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Alligators in the Pool
A CEO throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the
property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen.
The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry alligators.
The CEO says to his executives "I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is
what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to
dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that
person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!"
Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate.
Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial
Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to
the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at
The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing. I've never seen
anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me
what I can do for you.
The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me who the hell pushed me in the
This is supposed to be the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US naval ship and
Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. The Radio conversation
was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on Oct. 10, 1995.
- Please change your direction 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
- Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.
- This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
- No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
- THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF
THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!
- This is a lighthouse. Your call.
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street
performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his
office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has
died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off.
He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd
comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people
and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of
him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more
attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he
climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's
cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good
attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow
larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious
lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified.
The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round
and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling,
"Help me, help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his
back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us
Rolls Royce Loan
A businessman walks into a bank in San Francisco and asks for the loan officer. He says he is
going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $7,000. The bank officer says
the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan.
So the businessman hands over the keys to a Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the
bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An
employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the businessman returns, repays the $7,000 and the interest, which comes to
$19.67. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this
transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little confused. While you were away, we
checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What confuses us is why would you
bother to borrow $7,000?"
The businessman replied, "Where else in San Francisco can I park my car for two weeks for $20
These 4 pals go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the
other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.
"My son BIll," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He
began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in
fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
The second man, no to be out done, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now
owns a multi-line dealership. "George is so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave his
friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man's son, Albert, has worked his way up through a stock brokerage, and in the last
few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee, another tells him that they have been discussing their
progeny and asks what line his son is in.
"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son turned out," he replies. "For 15 years,
Frank's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay. However, on the bright
side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand
new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."
I worked in technical support at Silicon Graphics about a year ago, and I was part of the group
that was first in line to handle problem calls. Oh, joy. Being only eighteen at the time, my
experience in the field of technical support was somewhat limited, but I could still handle my
Now, as you may or may not know, SGI sells top of the line computers used in many different
industries. On average, they're about three times as expensive as personal PCs and are meant to
be used by professionals in the industries they're used in.
Anyway, the following call came in:
y Customer: "I just received an Onyx yesterday, and I tried to set it up today and it doesn't
y Tech Support: "It just doesn't boot up?"
y Customer: "It doesn't even turn on. I see nothing on the screen, and the fan doesn't even
turn on in the back of the system."
y Tech Support: "Is the monitor functioning? Is there a little green light in the lower right
corner of the monitor?"
y Customer: "Yes, there is."
y Tech Support: "Ok, is the computer plugged in?"
y Customer: (irritated) "Look, I think I know how to set up a system. I'm a college
graduate, you know."
y Tech Support: "Ok, let me finish typing up this report, and I'll send it off. You will get a
reply within one business day."
y Customer: (exasperated) "Thank you. Geez, I mean I paid a huge amount of money for
this computer. The least you people can do it make sure it works before sending it to
y Customer: "I mean, to add to the poor quality control, you even sent me one extra power
y Tech Support: "One extra cord?"
y Customer: "Yes, it looks just the one I used to plug in the monitor and computer, but
that's all you sent to me. I have no use for this other one."
At this point, I thought I should inquire a little more...but use a bit of tact to do so.
y Tech Support: "Sir, can you double check the serial number on the back of your
y Customer: "On the back of the computer?"
y Tech Support: "Yes, sir."
y Customer: (sigh) "All right, all right, hold on..."
I heard a few muffled grunts as he crawled over his desk to see the back of the computer. He
repeated the serial number from the sticker. I didn't bother to verify it.
y Tech Support: "Thank you, sir. Oh, by the way, can you check to see if the computer is
Dead silence. I could just picture the man's face when he realized that the computer was never
plugged in in the first place and that the "extra" power cord he was holding in his hand was for
the computer. I didn't wait for a response from him. I thanked him for calling, hung up, and
closed the case.
I was teaching a very basic class in BASIC programming to a group of adults. Adults who have
never been around computers before are very nervous and much harder to teach than children,
however I am a patient person so I enjoy their successes.
However, I must share the following:
After putting a short program on the board, I told the students to type "R," "U," "N" and press
return to see the program execute.
A hand went up in the back of the room, waving to get my attention, and the person attached to
the hand said, "I did what you said and it didn't work." Knowing full-well that all of us make
mistakes when typing at the computer, I suggested she retype "R," "U," "N" and press return. A
few seconds later, the lady's hand goes up again. "It still doesn't work," she said.
So... I went back to see what the problem was ... only to find that instead of typing RUN, she had
typed in the following: ARE YOU IN !
Emptying the Doctor's Waiting Room
A patient goes to the doctor's office where, much to his surprise the doctor asks him, "Would you
please help me with a problem I'm having?"
Sure, doctor, what can I do for you, says the patient.
"Would you scream in the most earsplitting, piercing screams you can manage? Try to make it
sound as if you're in terrible pain." The doctor says.
"But why, doctor, you've always been gentle with me and your treatments have never caused me
any pain?" Asks the patient.
"Yes," Says the doctor in a matter-of-fact tone, "but I have a 4 o'clock tee time at the golf course
I don't want to miss, and my waiting room is still full of patients."
The Business Meeting
A business woman named Cindy was in the airport VIP lounge on her way to Los Angeles.
While in the VIP lounge, she noticed Donald Trump sitting on the sofa enjoying a brandy. As
luck would have it, Cindy was meeting with a very important client who was running somewhat
Being a bold business woman, Cindy decided to go ahead and approach Mr. Trump, and
introduced herself. Much to her surprise Mr. Trump turned out to be very nice. Encouraged by
this she explained to "the Donald" that she was about to close a very important business deal and
that she would be very grateful if he could say a quick "hello Cindy" to her when she was with
her client. Mr. Trump consented to do just that.
Ten minutes later while Cindy was speaking with her client, she felt a rap on her shoulder. It was
Donald Trump. Cindy turned about and looked at him as Trump said.
"Hi Cindy, what's going on?"
To which Cindy glibly replied, "Not now, Donald, can't you see I'm in a meeting!"
Curiosity gets the Priest
A priest, in urgent need to use the bathroom, walks into a local bar. The bar is jumping with loud
music and lively conversation, but every few minutes the lights abruptly go off. Every time the
lights go off, the bar crowd bursts into loud whoops and applause, but when they see the priest
enter the bar, the place becomes absolutely quiet.
The priest walks over to the bartender and asks, "Can you please tell me where your bathroom
"Sure, but I have to tell you, father, there's a statue of a naked woman in it and she?s wearing
only a fig leaf."
"No problem, I'll just avert my eyes, then," Said the priest.
The bartender then shows the priest to the far side of the bar where the bathroom is located. After
a short while, the priest comes out of the bathroom and the bar crowd pauses only long enough to
give him a rousing cheer. Perplexed he goes over to the bartender and asks, I'm puzzled. Why
did they cheer for me as I came out of the bathroom just now?"
"Well, father, it's because your curiosity has made you human and likeable, just like us," said the
bartender. "May I pour you a drink?"
"No thanks you, but, I'm still puzzled," said the priest.
"You see, father," chuckles the bartender, "every time somebody moves the fig leaf on the naked
woman statue, the bar lights go off. Now, what do you say to that drink?"
The Wild Old Man
An old man shopping at a department store for a gift for his wife was intent on watching a
teenage girl who was going through the sale racks. The teenage girl had a Mohawk dyed in
various colors: pink, purple, green, and yellow. The old man kept staring at her.
Irritated by his staring the teenage girl finally broke down and sneered, "What's the matter, old
dude? I bet you haven't tried anything wild in your whole life, have you?"
The old man did not miss a beat when he replied, "I was drunk one time and was with a Macaw.
I was just curious if you were related!"
The smart way to catch Burglars
It was late and Charlie was about to climb into bed when his wife informed him that there was a
light on in their garden shed. Charlie started to go outside to turn off the light but noticed some
people in the shed who were busy stealing his things.
He ran back inside right away and called the cops, who asked him "Are there any intruders in
your house?" to which Charlie replied no and explained his circumstances. The cops told Charlie
that all patrol cars were otherwise occupied, and that he should just lock his door and a
uniformed cop would be at his house when one was free.
Charlie answered, "Alright," hung up, waited 30 seconds, and then called the cops again.
"Hello, I just called a short while ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. I
want to let you know that they're not a problem anymore because I've just shot every one of
Charlie then hung up the phone. In five short minutes, three patrol cars, a SWAT team, and an
ambulance arrived, and Of course, the cops caught the burglars in the act.
One of the cops snapped at Charlie: "I thought you said that you shot every one of them!"
"I thought you said there were no patrol cars free!" Charlie answered.
Revenge on a Taxi Driver
Two years later the man comes back and goes to the same casino. This time he wins money. As
he exits the casino, he sees a long line of Taxi drivers.. and at the end is his enemy from two
Seeing this, the man decides to get his revenge. He goes up to the first Taxi and says: "hey will
you give me a blowjob?" the taxi driver says: "no you freak, get out of my car!"
The man then goes on to the next car and says: "hey will you give me a blowjob?" the taxi driver
says: "no you maniac, get out of my car!" The man continues to do this all down the line until he
reaches the last taxi, and sees his enemy.
The man asks: "how much for a ride to the airport?" Not reconising him the driver replies: "$5"
"Okay." says the man and he gets in. Then as he passes the line of other taxis, he sticks his hands
out the window and gives them all a big thumbs up.
The Smart Blonde
A blonde woman boards an airplane. She is extremely exhausted and just wants to take a nap.
She finally finds her seat and sits down next to a very curious young man.
He wants to test the whole dub blonde thing and possibly make some money out of it. "Hey,
wanna play a game?" he asks her. "No thank you, i just want to take a nap." "Please, its really
easy, all you have to do is answer the questions that i ask you. If you don't know the answer, then
you give me five dollars, and if I don't know the answer to your question, then Ill give you five
"I really don't want to do this. I just want to take a nap."
"Oh but PLEASE pretty please. Okay, how about if I don't know the answer to your question, I'll
give you five hundred dollars." The blonde woman became interested and decided to play the
"Okay. How many moons does jupiter have?" the young man asked. The woman reached into her
purse and took out a five dollar bill. "What goes up the mountain with three legs and comes back
down with four?".
The young man, determined not to lose, gets out his laptop and searches all over the internet for
an answered. Flustered and confused, the young man hand the blonde five hundred dollars.
After a few hours, the young man was itching to know the answer to the question."What was the
answer to the riddle?" the blonde woman reached into her purse and handed the young man a
five dollar bill.
Funny Yet True Fortune Cookie Blunders
Be thankful the next time you open up a fortune cookie that doesn¶t have a fortune as strange ±or
hilarious - as these:
Confucius say you have heart as big as Texas.
You have an unusual equipment for success, use it properly.
Because of your melodic nature, the moonlight never misses an appointment.
You will gain admiration from your pears.
You will receive a fortune cookie.
Never wear your best pants when you go to fight for freedom.
A starship ride has been promised to you by the galactic wizard.
You love Chinese food.
Someone will invite you to a Karaoke party.
Don't behave with cold manners.
Help! I am being held prisoner in a Chinese bakery.
Don't forget you are always on our minds.
What you left behind is more mellow than wine.
There is no mistake so great as that of being always right.
Never forget a friend. Especially if he owes you.
A tub and a rub will change your day.
THAT WASN'T CHICKEN.
Suppose you can get what you want.
If you're happy and you know it, and you really want to show it, if you're happy and you know it,
eat a monkey.
It's about time I got out of that cookie.
The greatest danger could be your stupidity.
Eat your vegetable and you'll grow up big and strong like Popeye.
To lower your stress level, get a cat.
Your present plants are going to succeed.
A nice cake is waiting for you.
You may love the small ones but win the big ones.
An alien of some sort will be appearing to you shortly.
Life is not a struggle. It's a wiggle.
Sssorrryyy, duuplleexxx swwwitccch ooonnn«
A smile is your personal welcome mat.
You are not illiterate.
The rubber bands are heading in the right direction.
Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
You never know who you touch.
Do not follow the instructions of this fortune.
Your emotional nature is strong and emotional.
Your eyes will soon be sparking, keep them open.
Now is the time to make circles with mints, do not haste any longer.
A woman who seeks to be equal with men lacks ambition. Don't touch that.
Behind an able man, there are always.
You will soon be more aware of your growing awareness.
You may attend a party where strange customs prevail.
Someone can read your mind.
Magic time is created when unconventional person comes.
You are going to have some new clothes.
Real Excuse Notes
These are actual excuse notes (original spelling intact) from some of the most unintentionally
hilarious parents around:
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please excuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs.
[words in ()'s were crossed out.]
Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the
porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset
stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and
ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going
around, her father even got hot last night.
Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not
get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.
Strange Yet True English Subtitles
These real English subtitles have been featured in films primarily in kung fu films from Hong
Kong. Here¶s some of the best subtitles that will have you doubled over from laughter!
You daring lousy guy.
Beat him out of recognizable shape!
Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you
violently to your doctor for a thorough extermination.
I have been scared silly too much lately.
I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!
Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
How can you use my intestines as a gift?
Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the
country to inflict the pain of our karate feats on some butt of the giant lizard person.
I am darn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
I will kill you until you are dead from it!
Gun wounds again?
Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
Darn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken.
Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.
Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I
remove your toenails and leave them out on the dessert floor for ants to eat.
Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.
I threat you! I challenge you meet me on the roof tonight for a duet!
You are too useless. And now I must beat you.
This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I
remove your manhoods and l leave them out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat.
Now I feel flatulent, and you did it.
My innards have all been disturbed by him.
I please your uterus. You kiss my toes. It's fair.
This is the Martial Arts Competition, not a place for fighting!
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