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Funny Sports Quotes

Free eBook

Volume 1

www.sportsebooks.com

A Collection of the Funniest


Sporting Quotes from Some of Our
Greatest Sporting Legends

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General Information

Title: Funny Sports Quotes – Volume I


Author: David Horne, BSc (Sp. Med), MHExSc.
First Published: 2004
Revised and Updated Digital Edition (eBook): 2011
Composed and published by: SportseBooks.com and with the assistance of
www.ebookauthoracademy.com
Website: www.sportsebooks.com
Website: www.ebookauthoracademy.com

Copyright © 2004 - 2011 www.sportsebooks.com


SportseBooks.com is a Division of “eBooks International”

You may distribute this eBook to friends or include in your ezines, newsletters or pass onto other
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Did I Really Say That?

To be the best you need to learn from the best! And the best way to do that is to listen to
what the most successful athletes, coaches and administrators say in their own words.
However, sometimes these champions just say things that don’t come out the way that
they wanted them to. And sometimes these champions say things that are just down
right hilarious especially when they don’t know why people are laughing at them!

Along with reading those great inspirational quotes, it has always been enjoyable
reading those “not so great” quotes. It is often the funniest quotes that you remember the
most.

Read through these quotes and think about the context that they were said in and then
think about the way that the person who said the quote has to dig themself out of a deep
hole. This collection of quotes comes from a wide range of athletes, coaches and media
from sports all around the world.

Enjoy reading these quotes and you hopefully you won’t end up in this book of funny
quotes one day!

I love reading funny quotes and after reading this collection of quotes I hope that you will
too! There is always a lighter side to even the most hardened and toughest of athletes.

All the best in your sporting careers and we will see you at the top of your mountain!

David Horne
Founder: www.SportseBooks.com
Founder: www.eBooksInternational.co
Founder: www.GlobalTennisCoaching.com

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“One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that,
Before each tee-shot,

His wife takes out his balls and kisses them.

Oh my God, what have I just said?”

Golf Commentator
Unites States TV

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“I Owe a Lot to My Parents,
Especially My Mother and Father.”

Greg Norman
Australian Golf Champion

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“Sure there have been injuries and deaths in

boxing- but none of them serious.”

Alan Minter
Boxer

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“This is a really a lovely horse,
I once rode her mother.”

Ted Walsh
Horse Racing Commentator

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Golf and sex are the only things you can
enjoy without being good at them!

Jimmy Demaret
Hall of Fame Golfer

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'Here we are in the Holy Land of Israel –
A Mecca for tourists.'

David Vine
BBC Commentator

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'He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it -

you can see it all over their faces.'

Ron Atkinson
Football Pundit

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‘Well, either side could win it,
or it could be a draw.'

Ron Atkinson
Football Pundit

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'If you'd offered me a 69 at the

Start this morning

I'd have been all over you.'

Sam Torrance
Golfer

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‘….....and later we will have action from the
men's cockless pairs ...’

Sue Barker
Sports Commentator

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“The racecourse is as level
as a billiard ball.”

John Francombe
Jockey

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'A fascinating duel between 3 men...'

David Coleman
BBC Commentator talking about the hammer throw competition

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'The lead car is absolutely unique, except
for the one behind it which is identical.'

Murray Walker
Formula One Motor Car Racing Commentator

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“There are the boys, their balls between their legs.”

Amanda Redington
GMTV

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'In cycling, you can put all your money on one horse.'

Stephen Roche
Eurosport Television

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“We now have exactly the same situation as we had at

the start of the race, only exactly the opposite.”

Murray Walker
Formula One Motor Car Racing Commentator

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'Julian Dicks is everywhere.
It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'

Metro Radio
Football

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'I'd like to play for an Italian club,
like Barcelona.'

Mark Draper
Aston Villa Footballer

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“These greens are so fast they
must bikini wax them.”

Gary McCord
Commenting on the golf greens in Atlanta

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“Batistuta gets most of his
goals with the ball.”

Ian St John
Football Player

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“Hodge scored for Forest after 22 seconds
- totally against the run of play.”

Peter Lorenzo
Football “Pundit”

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“We actually got the winner three minutes from
the end but then they equalized.”

Ian McNail
Footballer

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“It took a lot of bottle for Tony (Adams)
to own up.”

Ian Wright
Commenting on His Team Mate's Alcoholism

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"I don't like to see players tossed off needlessly"

Andy Gray
Football Player

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"When you are 4-0 up you should never lose 7-1"

Lawrie McMenemy
Manager of Southampton Football Club

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"The beauty of Cup football is that Jack
always has a chance of beating Goliath"

Terry Butcher
Football Player

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"If you stand still there is only one way to go,

and that's backwards"

Peter Shilton
England Goalkeeper

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"And Farmer has now scored 19 goals, exactly
double the number he scored last season"

Garry Lyon
Australian Football Commentator

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"I would not be bothered if we
lost every game as long as we
won the league"

Mark Viduka
Australian Soccer Player

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"Statistics are like miniskirts:
They give you good ideas but hide the important things"

Ebbe Skovdahl
Danish Football Manager

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"When Manchester United are at
their best I am close to orgasm"

Gianluca Vialli
Soccer Player

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"Winning doesn't really matter
as long as you win"

Vinny Jones
Former Chelsea Football Player

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"Despite the rain, it's still raining

Here at Old Trafford"

Jimmy Hill
BBC Sports

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“He's pulling him off!
The Spanish manager is pulling his captain off!”

George Hamilton commenting on Spain’s manager Luis Suarez's substitution of


Butragueno during their world cup qualifier with Ireland

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'Morcelli has the four fastest 1500-metre times

ever. And all those times are at 1500 metres.'

David Coleman
Athletics Commentator

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'For those of you watching in black and white,
Spurs are in the all-yellow strip.'

John Motson
BBC Sports

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Dennis Pennis asks boxer Chris Eubank the following question during an
interview:

'Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?'

Chris Eubank: 'On what?’

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'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge
president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew.'

Harry Carpenter
BBC TV Commentating on a Boat Race in 1977

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"It took me seventeen years to get three
thousand hits in baseball.
I did it in one afternoon playing golf."

Hank Aaron
Baseball Player

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"The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym
instructors got together and said:
If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it
jumping up and down."

Rita Rudner

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'And Nakano tries to avoid being passed by his team-mate
Trulli, which should in fact be quite easy, because Trulli is
going more slowly than his team-mate Nakano.'

Murray Walker
Formula One Motor Racing Car Commentator

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'I always used to put my right boot on first,
and then obviously my right sock.'

Barry Venison
ITV

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'Without being too harsh on David,
he cost us the match.'

Ian Wright
ITV

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"My parents have been there for me,
ever since I was about 7."

David Beckham
English Soccer Player

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"I think Sheffield Wednesday are a very poor
football team. They are like a man who's got
diarrhoea who can't get his trousers down"

Rodney Marsh
Australian Cricket Player

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"Is the Pope Catholic. No I'm serious, is he? I really need to

know" - when asked if he might be moving to AS Roma

David Beckham
English Soccer Player

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“The ref was vertically 15 yards away.”

Kevin Keegan
Football Player

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"Diego Maradona - a flawed genius who has
now become a genius who is flawed"

Bob Wilson
Arsenal Manager

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"Now you see me, now you don't.
George thinks he will, but I know he won't!"

Boxing Champion Muhammad Ali taunting George Foreman

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"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if

I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."

North Carolina State basketball player Chuck Nevitt, explaining to coach Jim
Valvano in 1982 why he appeared nervous at practice.

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Frank Layden, Utah Jazz basketball president commenting on a former
player:

"I told him, 'Son, what is it with you.


Is it ignorance or apathy?'

Player: “Coach, I don't know and I don't care."

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"The immortal Jackie
Milburn died today"

Cliff Morgan
Welsh Rugby Union Player

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"We're definitely going to get Brooklyn christened,
but we don't know into which religion!"

David Beckham
English Soccer Player

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"If at first you don't succeed
….... So much for skydiving."

Henry Youngman
Comedian

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"Monica Seles - I'd hate to be next
door to her on her wedding night."

Peter Ustinov
News/TV

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“It was the fastest-ever swim over
that distance on American soil.”

Greg Phillips
Portsmouth News

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“It's amazing how, in this part of the world,
history has been part of its past.”

David Duffy
Eurosport

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When asked on the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living
in a foreign country:

“It was like being in a foreign country.”

Ian Rush
Former Liverpool Footballer

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"The underdogs will start
favourites for this match"

Anthony Hudson
Australian Football Commentator

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'Bill Frindal has done a bit of mental
arithmetic with a calculator.'

John Arlott
Cricket Commentator

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"Germany are a very difficult team to
play...they had 11 Internationals out
there today"

Steve Lomas
West Ham United

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'They've picked their heads up off the
ground and they now have a
lot to carry on their shoulders.'

Ron Atkinson
Football Pundit

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"If you were in the Brondby dressing room
right now, which of the Liverpool players would
you be looking at?"

Ray Stubbs
BBC Sports

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"Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever
had at this level. Well, he's the only manager
I've actually had at this level. But he's the
best manager I've ever had"

David Beckham
English Soccer Player

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"They called it golf because all
the other four letter words were taken."

Walter Hagen
British Open Golf Champion

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"I've seen George Foreman shadow boxing
and the shadow won."

Muhammad Ali
Boxing Legend

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'Chile have three options - they
could win or they could lose.'

Kevin Keegan
Football Player

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'I came to Nantes two years ago and it's much the
same today,
except that it's completely different.'

Kevin Keegan
Football Player

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'Street hockey is great for kids. It's energetic,
competitive, and skilful.
And best of all it keeps them off the street.'

Radio 1 Newsbeat

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“England has the best fans in the world
and Scotland's fans are second-to-none.”

Kevin Keegan
Football Player

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'Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to
hang in the air even longer.'

David Acfield
Football Player

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Shelby Metcalf, the basketball coach at Texas A&M recalling what he told
one of his players who received four F's and one D on a report card:

"Son, looks to me like you're spending


too much time on one subject."

Shelby Metcalf
Basketball Coach

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We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees!

Jason Kidd
American Basketball Player

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"Michael Chang has all the fire and passion of a
public service announcement, so much so that he
makes Pete Sampras appear fascinating."

Alex Ramsey

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'If history repeats itself, I should think
we can expect the same thing again.'

Terry Venables
Former England Football Team Manager

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'I've never had major knee surgery on
any other part of my body.'

Winston Bennett
Basketball Player

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'What will you do when you leave football Jack?
Will you stay in football?'

Stuart Hall
Radio

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“Ian Mackie is here to prove his
back injury is behind him.”

Spar Athletics Commentator

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'Batistuta is very good at
pulling off defenders.'

Kevin Keegan
Football Player

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"Well, I can play in the centre, on the right and
occasionally on the left side" - when asked if he thought
that he was a volatile player.

David Beckham
English Football Player

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Reporter: Shaquille, did you visit the Parthenon during your
visit to Greece?

"I can't really remember the names of all the


clubs that we went to."

Shaquille O'Neal
Basketball Player

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"Nobody in football should be called a genius.
A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

Joe Theismann
NFL Football Player and T.V. Commentator

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'Her legs are kept tightly together,
She’s giving nothing away.'

Anon.
Gymnastics T.V. Commentator

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'Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan,
who turned 20 a few weeks ago.'

David Coleman
Olympic Games Commentator

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'There goes Juantorena down the back straight,
opening his legs and showing his class.'

David Coleman
Olympic Games Commentator

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"We didn't underestimate them.
They were a lot better than we thought."

Bobby Robson
Football Manager

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“…… and Ray Illingworth is relieving
himself in front of the pavilion.”

John Arlott
Cricket Commentator

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“Moreano thought that the full back was gonna
come up behind and give him one really hard.”

Ron Atkinson
Football Pundit

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'I wouldn't be surprised if this game
went all the way to the finish.'

Ian St John
TV Presenter

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This was Chicago Cub’s outfielder Andre Dawson’s response when being asked
about being a role model:

"I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me.


I want all the kids to copulate me."

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"You guys line up alphabetically by height."

Bill Peterson
Florida State Football Coach

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'Adams is stretching himself, looking for Seaman.'

Brian Moore

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'The swimmers are swimming
out of their socks.'

Sharon Davies
BBC Commentator

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"If one synchronised swimmer drowns,
do all the rest have to drown too?"

Steven Wright
Comedian

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"You watch the pit lane
while I stop the start watch..."

Murray Walker
Motor Sport Commentator

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Much, much more!!

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"Frazier is so ugly he should donate his
face to the US Bureau of Wild Life."

Muhammad Ali
Boxing Great

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"If you even dream of beating me you'd
better wake up and apologize."

Muhammad Ali
Boxing Great

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“It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball.
I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.”

Hank Aaron
Baseball Player

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"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria... I saw her
snatch this morning and it was amazing."

Pat Glenn
Sports Commentator (weightlifting)

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He's usually a good puller - but he couldn't
get it up that time.

Ritchie Benaud
Australian Cricket Commentator

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"A verbal contract isn't worth
the paper it's written on"

Samuel Goldwyn
Media

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“Honey, I Forgot to Duck.”

JackDemsey talking to his wife after he


just lost the 1926 World Heavyweight Title

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Zero - zero is a big score!

Ron Atkinson
Football Pundit

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"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when
Darryl Gibson comes inside of him"

Murray Mexted
NZ Rugby commentator

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Ardiles strokes the ball like it is
part of his own anatomy!

Jimmy Magee
RTE

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That's great, tell him he's Pele and get him back on.

JOHN LAMBIE responds when told a concussed striker


did not know who he was after getting hit.

Partick Thistle manager

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Newcastle, of course, unbeaten in their last five wins.

Brian Moore

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This is an unusual Scotland side
because they have good players

Javier Clemente
Coach of Spanish Football Team

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"You guys pair up in groups of three,

then line up in a circle."

Bill Peterson
Football Coach at Florida State

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"We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general
manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."

Pat Williams
Orlando Magic Basketball General Manager, 1992
Commenting on his team's 7-27 record:

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“I'mdisappointed, but I'm not going to run around
like Dennis Rodman and head-butt somebody.”

Greg Norman
Answering a reporter’s question after giving up a six shot lead
at the Masters Golf Tournament

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“We actually got the winner three minutes
from the end but then they equalized.”

Ian McNail
Footballer

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“We'll still be happy if we lose.
It's on at the same time as
the Beer Festival”

Noel O' Mahoney


Cork City Boss Commenting Before the Game

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“I would not say he is the best left winger in the
Premiership, but there are none better.”

Ron Atkinson
Football Pundit Talking about David Ginola

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“Her time is about 4.33,
which she's capable of.”

David Coleman

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'Well, you gave the horse a wonderful ride,
Everybody saw that'

Desmond Lynam
BBC horse racing commentator

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"If you can't stand the heat in the dressing-room,
get out of the kitchen"

Tony Shaw
Australian Football Player

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When Bob Costas asked Oiler’s football coach Bum Phillips why
he always takes his wife on the road trips, Phillips replied:

"Because she is too damn


Ugly to kiss goodbye!"

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“The Germans only have one player under 22,
And he's 23!”

Kevin Keegan
English Football Player

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"They didn't change positions,
They just moved the players around!"

John Sammy Newman


Channel 9 Football Commentator

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"I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor.
The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring
your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."

Ray Forsythe - Clemson football player


Commenting about why he was ineligible as a freshman because of academic
requirements

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"Show me a man who is a good loser
and I'll show you a man who is
playing golf with his boss."

Jim Murray

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"I went to a fight the other night and a
hockey game broke out."

Rodney Dangerfield

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Whenever I feel like exercising I
lie down until the feeling passes!

Robert M. Hutchins

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If you are going to throw a club, it is important
to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so
you don't have to waste energy going back to
pick it up.

Tommy Bolt

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When a question was asked of boxing promoter Dan Duva
about Don King managing Mike Tyson again he replied:

"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter?


He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

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Boxing is a lot of white men watching two
black men beat each other up.

Muhammad Ali
Boxing Great

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"If women were meant to play football,
God would have put their tits
somewhere else."

Gordon Sinclair

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If you think it's hard to meet new people, try
picking up the wrong golf ball.

Jack Lemmon

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Don't park in the spaces marked,
"Reserved for Umpires."

John McSherry

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When asked why he keeps a color photo of himself just
above his locker:

Chicago Blackhawks Hockey Star Stu Grimson said:

"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I


can still find my &%@*%#& clothes."

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When someone asked Texas Football Coach, Darrell Royal, if the abnormal
number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical
conditioning:

Royal replied:
"One player was lost because he broke his nose.
How do you go about getting a nose in condition for
football?"

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In 1991, Steve Spurrier, told Florida Gator fans that a fire at
Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books:

He then said: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been
coloured yet."

Steve Spurrier
Florida University Football Coach

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Most football players are temperamental. That's
ninety percent temper and ten percent mental.

Doug Plank

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Playing football in the morning is like

eating cabbage for breakfast.

Press

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Hawaii doesn't win many

games in the United States.

Lee Corso
College Football Commentator

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Let's face it, you have to have a slightly recessive gene that
has a little something to do with the brain to go out on the
football field and beat your head against other human
beings on a daily basis.

Tim Green

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When asked about what it would take for him to leave
Essendon Football Club from his current position as an
assistant coach; Mark Harvey replied:

“I won’t leave unless I’m offered a Head Job from


someone else!”

Mark Harvey
Assistant Football Coach - EFC

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Cricket commentator Mark Nicholas was interviewing Australian spin bowler
Shane Warne about his bowling technique.

Nicholas asked Warne how he puts a certain spin on the ball.

Warne relied by saying that you have to cock your wrist a little more.

Nicholas then responded by saying “so you need a bit more cock in your hand to
get the ball to do that!”

Both paused for a second and then continued as they knew that it was a PG
rated show.

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Well, Clive, it's all about the two M's.
Movement and positioning"

Ron Atkinson
Football Pundit

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"You're about as useful as a one-legged
man at an arse kicking contest."

Rowan Atkinson

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"It's raining and the track is wet!"

James Allen

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"And he's lost both right front tires."

James Allen

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"Baseball is 90% mental –
The other half is physical."

Yogi Berra
Baseball Great

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"In Russia, if a male athlete loses
he becomes a female athlete."

Yakov Smirnoff

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I spent 90% of my money on women and drink.
The rest I wasted!

George Best
Champion English Football Player

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