Exes are from Uranus
Section 1

Section 2
The Unstoppable PMS Monster Suzy Homemaker's Evil Twin Women Have Beards, Too Needy, Greedy, and Just Plain Mean Hey Stupid, Don't You Ever Listen? Send Your Alien Back to Uranus When...

Section 3
She Was Only Good for the Sex, Anyway... Ms. Ex - Nature's Way of Flipping the Bird Things You'll Never, Ever Miss

Section 4
Getting Back in Orbit Be a Man - Drink a Six Pack Check Out that Chick's Orbs Curse Her in Writing Revenge Is Best Served Cold Do NOT Try This at Home

Section 5
We Have Liftoff


Section 1

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should find you a temp." ~~~Bob Ettinger When you first met, she was hot. I'm not talking about the average, decent looking girl who you wouldn't mind taking out for a test ride. I'm talking about a super sexy chick who was hot enough for you to sell your left nut on the black market. Of course, you didn't sell either nut to anybody - or at least I hope not. But the point is that you would have done it because she was just that perfect. In the beginning, she strutted around you in her cute little outfits, complete with color coordinated bras and panties. She applied make-up, styled her hair, and always made sure her legs were soft and smooth. As time went on, she apparently did a bit of shopping. Her cute little outfits were pushed to the back of her closet, while the front of her closet looked a lot like your closet. She also traded her g-strings and thongs for panties that covered just about everything. She wore less make-up, spent less time on her hair, and introduced you to the concept of leg stubble. Still, things were okay. By the end, she must have donated her entire wardrobe to the poor. You went through her entire closet, and those sexy little numbers she used to wear were missing. In their place was a variety of sweatshirts, sweat jackets, sweat pants, and sweaty sweat laundry. She must have outgrown her bra and panty sets, because all you could find in her underwear drawer was what looked remarkably like the underwear your great-great-grandfather wore. She completely abandoned her make-up, and insisted in tying her unwashed hair in a sloppy knot. The worst part was that her leg stubble turned into full-blown man-hair. By the end, you were dating a dude - and an ugly one, at that. Now the relationship is over, and you miss your butch bitch. You miss the way she went down on you those four times in the beginning. You miss the way she looked while she slept - the only time she would just shut the fuck up. You even miss the feel of her warm leg brushing against yours and giving you rug burn. And the fact that you miss her so much really pisses you off. 2

we would head to the dog pound. guys! 3 . Lose them and go home with a stripper. Hell. she wanted your soul . That's your business. remind yourself that they're still yours. After all. And you don't want to do her any favors. I'm not talking about the dancing kind of soul. you can take comfort knowing that you're not the only guy who's been fucked over by a woman with no soul. Just do whatever it takes to make you think of anything but her. really wicked bitch. Happy reading. Women have the ability to grow on us . but women are the ones who give that word an entirely new meaning. But some day. that will probably accomplish nothing. Do whatever you have to do to forget about her. I know it's hard to stop thinking about the succubus who sucked everything out of you but your semen. Unfortunately. Or maybe you'll think about that girl lying next to you in bed who you don't remember from the night before.except she didn't want your blood. spray. you won't be thinking about HER. and think about a juicy steak. other than eliminating her bug problem. scratch your nuts. but it really is necessary. And if we needed rotten bitches in our lives. the point is that you really don't need her. you can even ask the tourist on the side of the road to come home and video tape all of it for your future enjoyment. remind yourself that she's just a rotten bitch. So. Since your ex is awfully similar to a mosquito . It may not be easy. I digress. That day probably won't be today. In the meantime.) Excuse me. and get on with your life. Bitches may have gotten their name from female dogs. Grab a prostitute on the way home to join the two of you. Whatever. (Just to clarify. Adjust your balls. it's understandable. gel. or ointment that can eliminate her from your life. Throw her and her emotional. is that there isn't a cream. crazy-person baggage out of your life and out of your mind. the day will come. she was a really.Still. So. The point is. You simply can't be bothered with a lousy human who can't dance. you'll wake up. the best thing you can do to get over an evil woman is act like a man. The only difference between your ex and that fungal infection you caught on both feet from showering without flip-flops in your college dorm. You might even think about the dream you had about hanging out with Socrates. Go out and get shit-faced with your buddies. But if she didn't have that kind of soul either. But I guarantee you.sort of like a fungus. fuck her twice as hard. In any case.you could try to douse her with bug spray.

It's quite possible that you could be going to Hell for some other shit you did just for the fun of it. I'm not talking about menopause . If you experienced any of these symptoms . If you're gonna lose your soul. too.and I'm sure you did .C. women have great logic. We'll do anything to get away from them! 4 . But you have to admire it." . I can't say that I'm surprised. It's a natural fact of life. and now your soul is mine" change. But then she goes through the change. Oh. eating watermelon and taking it easy. Sure. she seems perfectly nice in the beginning. I'm talking about transforming from that pretty. As insane as they may be. And knowing the women that I know. I'm sure you would. The problem is that a woman would never accept that.Section 2 The Unstoppable PMS Monster (Or Why Men Die Sooner than their Evil Counterparts) "Where would man be today if it wasn't for women? In the Garden of Eden. but that's not the point. reeled you in. don't let it be because a woman sucked it out of you. I'm talking about the. this logic sort of sucks. If I could convince a woman that she should just shut up and do as I say. I would do it in a heartbeat.though it doesn't seem much different. "I've set the bait. and we should always pay for being so wrong.you're lucky you got out in time to save your soul. And try as we might. sexy little thang who adored you into that controlling Queen Bitch who resembles Owen's mother in the movie "Throw Mother From the Train". Kennedy Men die sooner than women. That's how much women can drive us men happily into our braves. Being men. we are always wrong. no man has the power to prevent the change from happening. They believe that they are always right. This section deals with various aspects of the change. and to answer the question as to why men die before women? It's because they want to.

and there's not a goddamned thing we can do about it. there's nothing we can do about it so long as we stay with our satanic beasts. and their wives waiting to service them in any and all ways. they're both full of shit. they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me. If this has happened to you." Whoever came up with that phrase never had the chance to witness my ex' asshole. a clean house. While it sounds like these things might give her a hint as to what you want. Dick Van Dyke. and find her sitting around in her pajamas. As the old saying goes. Mind you. covered in goo and glaring at you for some unknown reason. there's no food on the table. a beer. "Opinions are like assholes. This day is also known as the day men ceased to rule the world.Dick Martin Back in the day. When they got back. Or her opinions. You walk in the house exhausted. Men were lucky bastards back then. men have to contend with Suzy Homemaker's Evil Twin . You really don't care. Whenever I feel like getting married. you can go to work for 12 hours. the world as man knew it changed. they found a hot meal on the table. But the bed isn't made. Her hair is up in curlers and her face is covered in white splotches that certainly did not come from your body. While she starts bitching at you. He's sitting there with a nice cut of steak.Suzy Homemaker's Evil Twin "I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. and your dirty clothes are still in the hamper. they're not the sexy ones she used to wear. single-handedly build her a laundry room. And there's your woman. Obviously. your eyes wander over to your gay neighbor's window. and install a state of the art oven in the kitchen. Mike Brady. Ricky Ricardo. That is. Nowadays. and Ward Cleaver had it made. welcome to the club. starving. All over the world." . men had it made. Spend a couple hours watching Nick at Nite and you'll see what I'm talking about. Once women became opinionated. and dirty. Everybody's got one. She claims that it's an anti-aging mask. The only thing that matters to you is that you're exhausted. And then came the day that women got opinions. In either case. it just doesn't work that way. Your stomach rumbles and you look back over at your female from Hell. something here went wrong. They went to work and left their wives at home. and a smile. 5 .

Garrison. who cares about whether or not the bed is made? You're just gonna make it a mess again. Neither do I. It probably won't look any different than when she was there. You can zap something in the microwave or order take-out. In the words of South Park's Mr.The good news is that your beast has left the building. This is the best news of all. here's to the revival of your bachelor pad." Neither do I. 6 . "I'm sorry. Until you can find a new beast to take her place. Garrison. other than the fact that you can clean out the tampon drawer. you're self-reliant. There's really nothing to doing laundry. anyway. So. And seriously. Mr. but I just don't trust anything that bleeds for seven days and doesn't die.

And maybe we'd better keep dreaming . So. cosmetics. Maybe you'll be able to have a drawer. you can be happy to know that maybe the next one will be an Earthling. It's not until you get close to a woman that you see their gross nature firsthand. facial hair bleach. Maybe you'll be able to live a normal life like you did before she turned it upside down.because without these products. I also thought that men took a dump and women went poop. I swear. Once we lived together. I thought men grew the beards and women were naturally smooth. my dog threw up outside my bathroom when my ex lived with us. Your belief that she was naturally hairless was wrong again. too. the closest thing I saw my ex wear that resembled a dress was the oversized housecoat she got from her grandmother. I got stuck with the evil one who doesn't clean up after herself. I thought men wore the pants while women wore dresses. It's not until they invade our turf that we see that they're not like the women we know. To be honest. I had certain ideas about gender roles that turned out to be completely wrong. They come from a place where everybody looks like a man until they throw on a bit of make-up. feminine hygiene products. We just never hear about them until our medicine cabinets fill up with cream hair removers. The worst misconception I had was thinking that women are not smelly. Men are not the only ones with the pants in the relationship. They take nasty shits. Living with my ex taught me a lot of things. This would not have been a problem if I got the right Suzy Homemaker twin. And she looks about as sexy in that as her grandma does in the identical frock she bought for herself. and an arsenal of hair products. Your assumptions that she rolled out of bed looking as beautiful as she was when she went to sleep were wrong. fellas. Chances are that anything else you thought you knew was wrong. It's not until then that we realize that they're simply not human. Too Growing up. vile things. we 7 . Your ideas on how women are supposed to treat their men were wrong. It turns out that I was wrong. and at-home wax kits. Maybe your belongings won't disappear in the midst of her hair removal kits. either. For instance. I don't know what smelled worse. As luck would have it. cabinet.Women Have Beards. Women do not go poop. or closet to yourself. Women have mustaches and beards that put men to shame. This is because women are not from the same planet as us.

8 .would never want to meet them in the first place.

If you want to get laid. But she probably cared more about the way that you made her feel and the way she felt when she was around you. you better be in a chatty mood. we quickly learn that our needs mean nothing. Naturally. You're gonna be in for a long night. she probably cared about you at some point or another. If you want to cuddle . Sure. divorce . This means you're bound to be assaulted by an ass-load of whiny questions. Now if you want to talk. If she wants to be cuddled. or learn to smile and nod. As men. we get angry after women discard our needs like last night's used condom. "You're a real asshole. Greedy. you probably don't. women like to make us seem like the bad guys. you better saddle up. While their voices shatter through our brains. Their voices immediately raise about ten octaves . she would say she's too busy. And if you're in a bad mood.and that's when we know that we'd better just shoot ourselves.Robin Williams A woman's favorite person is usually herself. But if you did." 9 . If she wants to talk. And if she's in a bad mood. The problem with being in a relationship is that it's usually all about her. you'll probably be in a terrible mood by the time she's done with you. you better stop what you're doing and lay still.Needy.from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. Their lips curl into a snarl. you better brace yourself. "Why are you being so mean to me?" "What did I ever do to you?" "Don't you love me anymore?" The whiny questions are annoying. but they are better than the angry statements that are sure to follow. yes. Their eyes narrow. she'll twist your words around to make you look bad. Perhaps the worst sound known to man is the sound of a woman's whine. they try to figure out what they did wrong. and Just Plain Mean "Ah.well." . This is because women are self-centered bitches. They're suddenly very curious about the world and they need to know everything. she'll tell you that she's not your fucking sex toy. Once this happens. If she wants to have sex.

And dragons have nothing on what your ex is capable of doing. Congratulations on getting your balls back. You can sit on your white furniture naked. And women wonder why men can act like assholes." Ouch. You have the complete freedom to do whatever you want." "Fuck you. The good news is. you can be a man again. You can even glue the toilet seat up. Best of all. or curse you for being a man. 10 . you can't slay a dragon with bologna. The world is your oyster. You can be as big of an asshole as you want. whether she likes it or not."I do everything for you and you treat me like shit. It's not that we want to be mean. needle dick. You can scratch your balls while you hold your sandwich. You no longer have any need to listen to her whine. and you can do as you please. bitch. After all. you're single now. We just have no choice.

wife. it's too late. tell your girlfriend. and you'll probably wind up getting some.at least for a little while. If that's not enough. When a woman asks us a question.Hey Stupid. If she does look like an idiot. She's gone. As a general rule of thumb. 11 . process them. It's not sufficient to just compliment her whenever she opens her mouth. If she asks if she looks fat. Unfortunately. she's probably better off knowing. At least. For your ex. And even when we do listen. Any time that you can ease yourself out of an awkward situation AND get laid is a good time had by all. tell her she's the most beautiful girl you've ever seen. she deserves to know about that. this is not our fault. Assuming that the girl was not a stranger. tell her you really need to see her naked before you can judge. get out there and have the time of your life. that's what a logical person would think. women also want us to listen. If that dress does make her look fat. Now. Other than their strange grooming rituals. But the next time a hottie asks for the 'truth. They want to hear just about the furthest thing from the truth imaginable. and come up with a response before we forget the topic of conversation.' you can know what to do. We're actually quite good at it. This is much easier than it sounds. You deserve it. As women like to point out. The problem is that we're men. the exact opposite of what you're thinking. this is their favorite thing to do. Unless they have something pretty damn interesting to say. We have to hear her words. Don't You Ever Listen? Women like to talk. Unfortunately. It turns out that women do not want the truth. so fuck her. So. we don't really want to listen. That. she'll be delighted by the compliment. or whoever she may be. we never know what they're saying. Men can lie. This should not be a problem. That's usually enough to keep you out of trouble . mistress. we assume she wants to know the truth. logic is not part of the female vocabulary. too. it's rather pointless.

"Yes. Now you see that she could out-fart you any day. For your birthday. 1. dear. but everything is pink. she buys you a single ticket to Las Vegas and a box of unopened condoms. 4. 12 . She packs a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in your lunch. She covers herself in peanut butter and tells you that she'll only fuck you after you go down on her.. She invites you over for a candlelight dinner. You want to have sex with her." Now she responds with "Yes. She used to respond to your questions with a simple. You take her dog for a walk because she isn't feeling well. You're pretty sure she's had it for the past 19 days. 8.. but you notice she replaced the candles with dynamite.Send Your Alien Back to Uranus When. She used to wrinkle her nose if you accidentally let one rip. Satan. She 'helps you out' by doing your laundry. there's a newly installed doggy door and a new lock. She shows her affection by sautéing it for dinner. 3. You show your affection by buying her a bunny. 5." 2. When you get back. 7. 10. You're still highly allergic to peanuts. 9. Your new wardrobe looks just like your old one. but she refuses because she has her period. 6. You tell her that you're highly allergic to peanuts. She tells you not to open the box until you get there.

(And if she was a porn star. you can just as easily get yourself off with the added perk of not having to cuddle afterwards.your ex probably wasn't worth the trouble she gave you. It's also nice to have somebody else cook. she's really not worth it. Unless she's a porn star. clean. you're probably much better off without her. So. I give you my condolences. Anyway. razor blades. It sucks to be you more than I thought. or to dial the number for the nearest pizza place. it's nice to have a portable cum dumpster. and good standing among your friends'. And it's not too hard to replicate her microwavable dinners. But let's be honest . current account. confidence. and do all the other annoying things we'd rather not do ourselves.. The last section most likely made you wonder why the hell you stuck around for so long. (And a hooker WILL take it up HERanus!) "Women should have labels on their foreheads saying. fuck her.) Assuming she was like most women.Jeffrey Bernard If you really think about it." . genitals. After all. 'Government Health Warning: women can seriously damage your brains. Fuck her right in heranus. women aren't good for all that much. 13 ..Section 3 She Was Only Good for the Sex. Sure. This section will reiterate exactly why she wasn't worth the frustration.

a woman would say that's ridiculous. Buffy the Vampire Slayer covered these grounds when Xander was lured to the layer of a praying mantis.Sacha Guitry A common TV theme is women who initially appear perfect. (Like their granny panties and your favorite sweatshirt. grab you by the balls. she may be a bitch. More often than not. They lure you in by flaunting their bodies and acting sweet. The point is. but she's not into cannibalism. South Park addressed this issue when Chef nearly had his soul sucked out of him by a succubus. he would have gotten laid. and because they're evil little bitches. but not in the literal sense. 14 . If you were to object. let it be this: It's okay to lose your head over a woman. women are evil and they know it. Of course. they would simply bash you in the nuts and say. "Come with me. and tell you that life as you know it is over. but he would not have lived to see it happen. Why? Because they can. they're the exact opposite of what you would expect. women cover their distorted alien selves with cute little masks. The fact of the matter is that not all women are what they appear to be. They would skip over the 'perfection with a pussy' act. Ex . They appear prim and proper. but wind up being super bitches from beyond this world. As innocent or ditzy as they may seem. That. After all.Nature's Way of Flipping You the Bird "When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. And then they suck the life right out of you. And if they didn't have to worry about legal repercussions. Women know what they are doing. they would act the same through all stages of your relationship. And if you only take one thing out of reading this e-book. If women had nothing to hide. She probably sees herself as more of a black widow. All women are succubuses at heart.) Truth be told. Sure. do NOT let them fool you." Since they know they couldn't get very far with that kind of behavior. and nearly had his head eaten for dinner. we probably wouldn't notice if a woman had green antennae sticking off her head as long as she could distract us with her tits. They hide everything they don't want us to see inside their coordinated bra and panty sets. and cut to the chase. they would walk up to you. they wouldn't hesitate to rip off your head and eat you for dinner. And we don't suspect a thing until they strip off their sexy cover-ups and slip into something a lot more comfortable. If they didn't think so.Ms. They make you think that all is right in your world." .

) But some things just aren't worth the hassle. Life is way too short to spend it doing people that you're better off not doing . So. Better ones. Give her a final pat on the ass. If you can't remember why you were there in the first place.at least not in the long run. And there are other tits out there. Life is way too short to spend it doing things that you're better off not doing. And then I forget why I'm there in the first place. I'm not a woman. Say good-bye to her out-of-control leg stubble. take my advice. though." 15 . and step away from the succubus.Now don't get my wrong. grab your shit. If that is your kind of thing. Unless you're into having a woman shit all over you in the bedroom. I like a nice set of tits in my face as much as the next guy. let me rephrase that. their tits and asses disappear into the oversized clothes they wear. (Except that gay guy over there. so long as she kept me distracted with her boobs. The major problem with women is that when they get comfortable. so I don't want to sit around and chat about it. Say adios to her constant nagging. you probably know that you're much better off without her. Say ciao to her opinions on everything. there's a good chance I would stay with her. "At least I got out alive. And then you can say. Even if I knew that a woman was plotting to rip my head off. that's your business. Actually. it's best not to let her shit all over you in your every day life.

The way she blames everything on you 18. Being designated as the official bug killer of the house 17. Bitch. Watching chick flicks 24. Ever Miss 30. Wasting away so you can cuddle 25. "What are you thinking about?" 23. The way she sprouted fangs and horns when she had to go shopping 16 .Don't Let the Door Hit You on the Way Out. The PMS she's had every day for the past three months 16. The 149 unidentifiable grooming objects she scattered throughout your bathroom 10. Her whiny. Her idea of good music 29. Her asking you to fix other people's shit 21. Pulling long chains of her hair out of your drain every two weeks 13. chatty girlfriends 26. The way she goes on sex strikes whenever she doesn't get her way 15. The way she looks exactly like her mother after she has her morning coffee 11. Her asking you to fix shit for her 22. Things You'll Never. "Are you finished yet?" 20. The way you gave in to her demands to end said sex strikes 14. Everybody in her bloodline 27. Her love for all food that gives you the runs 19. The way she looks exactly like her grandfather before she has her morning coffee 12. Her constant need to talk 28.

even though she's the one who's always asking for more quiet time AND THE NUMBER ONE THING YOU'LL NEVER. 1. The way she wanted you to kiss her every morning. EVER MISS ABOUT THE EVIL BITCH MONSTER WHO RUINED YOUR LIFE IS. The way she wakes up looking like an entirely different species than she was before she fell asleep 5. with larger breasts.James Knowles 17 ." .because everything is always your fault 3. Her very existence on Earth . The way she sticks to her vow not to fuck you because "you've got nothing on her favorite vibrator" 7. "I love you" 2. The t-shirt and track pants she traded all her sexy clothes in for on the day you first said.because of a sale 9.because you seriously don't need her any more than you need syphilis "The trouble with finding your perfect soul mate is that she would probably want to get married. Her evil look that indicates that you are not gonna get any for a good.. long while 8. The way she made herself cry to make you feel bad whenever she was wrong about something 6. even though it smelled like something died in her mouth 4. Waking up every morning and trying to figure out what you should apologize for today . then four weeks after the wedding you would meet another perfect soul mate. Her bitching about giving you head ..

Section 4 Getting Back in Orbit (Or How to Forget the Evil Bitch Monster that Ruined Your Life) "Men are superior to women. She was a hairy. You've wasted enough time moping. I'm sure you hate your ex. You need to push your anger to the side and remember all that was good in your life before she fucked you over. this is one you really should follow. and she ruined your life . You need to get back out there and experience your life. Then go out and do as you're told ." .as tired as you are of hearing commands.at least for a little while. In fact. scary monster. her shit did smell. 18 . If you still feel like shit by the time you're done reading this. read it again. That's a perfectly natural way to feel. as well you should. Now you need to learn how to focus on getting your life back. Your dick will thank you. This section will teach you how to do just that. It will explore various ways for you to feel better for now and in the long run.Will Durst At this point. Now it's time to pack up your shit and bring your balls with you. For one thing. men can urinate from a speeding car. I promise. there are better tits out there. anger is about the best thing you can expect after coming out of the relationship from Hell. It's okay for you to be angry. Make it your mantra.

you can drink alone if you really want. I didn't make the law. Assuming that you're old enough to go to a bar. That's why you brought your buddies along. Forget about the stupid bitch that broke your heart. Tonight is your night and I'm sure your friends want you to make the most of it. and have a great time doing it. or have your buddies over. you need to get drunk. Also. have a great time. forget everything I just said.Be a Man . So. grab your buddies. So. wine. Cheers! 19 . designated driver. you should do just that. You just need to go out. Sorry. Get out there. Forget about those people who say that drinking doesn't solve anything. Take a shot for the brokenhearted 20 year old who's moping over his soda pop. You have a designated driver. In fact. I know those people. so long as you're not alone.Drink a Six Pack Some people say that liquor doesn't solve anything. I don't care if you're 21. If you're under 21 and you're reading this. or a good. And if you're looking to forget. a night of drinking will certainly help. and forget everything. and forget about how alone you feel. Just make sure you have a throw-up bucket waiting by your bed when you get home. Forget all the reasons you should have seen it coming. too. I'm not for paying your stupid DUI or DWI. All of these options are fine. And you already know that you're lonely. or 76 years old. Drink until you can drink no more. too. Well. Forget about everything that led up to that point. More likely than not. Drunkenness does not discriminate by age. That's why you're reading this e-book. Of course. and they're just plain stupid. go to a club. If you're looking for a quick fix for feeling better. They tell you that alcohol won't get rid of your pain. Head to the bar. 32. they don't fuck around about their discrimination laws. lonely drinking will do nothing more than remind you of how lonely you are. Go have a soda pop or something. but you'll sure be happy to have it if you do. Sure. drink a bit more after that. hard shot of alcohol are pointless. don't be shy. only time will. Hell. You might not need it. do your thing. states do. get out there. They say that beer.

don't waste your time at a classy place. but man do they shake . And if you're trying to distract yourself from what's going on in the rest of the world. You can hoot and holler until closing time. Unfortunately. strip clubs are at the top of the list. No. Men want boobs. We're men. That may sound barbaric. If you're looking for somebody that might be willing to go home with you. guys.Woody Allen Nothing goes better with a cold beer than a nice set of tits. there could be a full-blown war occurring right out front of the strip club. strip clubs aren't usually the greatest places to meet women that you want to see outside their line of work." . and other social places. When it comes to strip clubs. and wish you could nail her . And the last thing a stripper wants to do when she gets out of work is strip for you.AT THE NUDIE BAR!" "Where you swear like a sailor. Al Bundy says it best: "Where bucks are enough to see their stuff . it's probably best that you skip the strip club. If you're strictly looking to get laid. not all women are as eager to hand them over as we would like. I'm not talking about the male strip club. If you want to meet women. most of them are trying to satisfy the same needs as you. Or at least. Really. It just doesn't get any better than that.Check Out that Chick's Orbs "Sex without love is an empty experience. It's like Disney World with beer and boobs. but as empty experiences go it's a pretty good one. dance clubs. And you probably wouldn't care if you did know. And the best part is that it's fully legal. Hell. End of story.AT THE NUDIE BAR!" "Where the breasts may be fake. you need to throw yourself into the places that women like best. and you'd never even know it. it's best if that's not where you are at closing time.AT THE NUDIE BAR!" High five for the nudie bar. some women go to female strip clubs. 20 . Of course. You can pay a girl to show you exactly what you want. That's why God created the nudie bar. Out of all my favorite places to be. There you can ogle without shame. Of course. but not one of you can deny it. I can pretty much guarantee that the nudie bar is the place for you. Sure. (Though you could probably meet a TON of women there!) I'm talking about bars. But that's no matter.

you're gonna get kicked in the balls. You would have to try pretty hard to go out and not see one. jazz clubs. march straight back to the Nudie Bar. just for the fun of it. If you offer a woman at the art exhibit a night of orgasms. try going to some cultural venues. poetry readings. You can go to just about any bar. and any kind of festival that passes through town.Chances are that most of the women there are looking for more than a free beer and a free fuck. Women love to flock around museums. she might be willing to grind uglies with you at home. And if that doesn't work. This is obviously not a sure thing. Be yourself. The mere suggestion could get you slapped. If a girl is willing to grind against you to the music. Be cool. she might slap you too. try meat-market bars and dance clubs. (Unfortunately for you. she'll show you what her ass looks like when she walks away. But you'll probably get slapped across the face at least three or four times before you find the one or two willing women. As long as you don't go anywhere that has a 'Penis Parking Only' sign. that means independent foreign film festivals. If you're looking for sex and relationships. When sex is the only thing on your mind. but you'll definitely have a good time. Sure. too. and sex would be nothing more than an added bonus.) These kinds of places are predominately filled with women and gay men. Be smooth. Any straight guy that walks through the door has an immediate advantage over the straight guys who go to places filled with mostly straight men. there might be a couple of them who don't want any more than that. your chances of success will triple. 21 . But your odds are better than they would be at a piano bar. there are a lot of women out there. Basically. you at least have a chance. You might not get laid. If you're mainly looking for some company. If you tell a drunk lady at a sleazy bar that you'd love to show her the world. And if one woman sees another lady slap you. Just be sure to reserve certain moves for specific places. too. club. or social event.

you'll probably wind up with a literary masterpiece.Curse Her in Writing At this point. Did you get more enjoyment plunging the toilet than you did when she went down on you? Was her ass really as big as she thought it was? Did the thought of eating her cooking make you wish you were on a liquid diet? Was her out-ofcontrol body hair enough to make you feel like less of a man? If so. I know that's the last thing you want to do after all the hard work you put into your letter. You'll want to run to the post office and buy a book of stamps. But. mailing a letter is a bit like nailing your hand to a wall. That would give her all the leverage. you're going to rip it up instead. you're much better on top. And like your sex with her. It releases all your anger and articulates it into words. you can always work on her 22 . crack your knuckles. If you still feel shitty about the whole thing. It's just not a good idea. Now. don't hold back. She has no whining rights now. And you're just the man to get the job done. Like many other things in life. By the time your letter is finished. Rip the letter. Don't hold back. Again. On the other hand. grab a pen and paper. take my advice. So. Sit down at your computer. So. Sit around and think about everything she did that made you want to poke out your own eye so you could stay at the hospital instead of being with her. The process of writing a letter is therapeutic. The last thing you need is to hand her proof that she hurt you. write the letter. You could even print out snappy mailing labels so you can mail your Pulitzer-worthy letter to your ex and everybody else she's ever met. Crack open a beer. ideas on what you should have said when she acted like a royal bitch. And hey. you think and you think about everything that you could have done. If you'd prefer. the best thing you can do is to get rid of the evidence. Really rack your mind for all of the truths you never shared. and get cracking. you've probably got a lot of things you'd like to get off your chest. Get on with your life. Mega Hoe needs to be put back in her place. And it really pisses you off to know that it's too late to say any of them. You must have a lot of thoughts festering. So. all the things you could have said. so you can be as blunt as you want. You were so honest that she would probably cry for a week after reading it. you need to let it all out. You might run to Office Max for a new color ink cartridge so you can properly print the diagram you drew of what the differences between men and women are supposed to be.

obituary the next time you feel the need to write. 23 .

if she wasn't a woman. throw you in a mental institution. I know that revenge sounds like a splendid idea. is there? 24 . Still. In fact. A woman would probably be a bit disturbed by that idea. thrown it into the toilet. And if we don't have a deal. there's not really anything I can do to make you stay away from this list. it sounds like a perfectly rational reaction. here are some things that have crossed my mind during a break up. you're not going to feel any better about your break up if you wind up sharing a cell with a new girlfriend named Bubba. and I really can't blame you for thinking so. After all. meat-market bar. You've written a letter that could make a porn star blush. the only thing you can think about is hooking her nipples to your clothesline and leaving her to dangle naked while the neighborhood children hit her with sticks. The only problem with revenge is that it has a good chance of backfiring on you. and hopping nightclub in town. Just because you shouldn't act on all of the things you'd like to do to her doesn't mean that you can't think about them.Revenge Is Best Served Cold You've come to terms with the fact that she sucks. Assuming that we have a deal. I would say you probably shouldn't do it. You've gotten drunk to the point that you can't even remember if you had a good time or not. and a prostitute consider moving into a nunnery. it sounds a bit tame compared to what you would do to her if she wasn't a woman. I completely support your decision to plan out every nasty bit of retaliation that you can think of. you wouldn't be in this mess to begin with. I'd like to help you with your planning . You've gone to every strip club.as long as you promise not to actually try any of these things. and barfed all over it after your body told you what it thought of your drunken rampage. If you're thinking of doing something that could either land you in jail. To a bunch of men who know the evil power of women. You've even torn that letter up. In fact. or cause those neighborhood kids to move. a dominatrix cry. Of course.

phone number. Unless your ex regularly checks the home listings. If you have access to her video rental card. contact the National Guard. Call every delivery place in town and have them arrive at her house around the same time. Don't return them. the delivery drivers will put up a fight to get paid. Get your ex on the junk mail shit list. she'll probably make herself sick while she waits for the cold from Hell to hit. Payback's a bitch. If you have access to her clothes. Marines. Even if your germs don't get her. be bold. Replace her volumizing hair shampoo or conditioner with Nair. head to the video store and rent every dirty movie you can find. 3. I can't wait to get you in the sack tonight Signed. tear out the magazine subscription request forms from all the magazines. they'll sure drive her crazy trying! 9. But. Treat your ex to dinner . she'll never see it coming! 8. Put an in-depth listing in the newspaper that labels her house for sale. Contact the Army. Set a date and time for an open house. Any woman's name 7. seek her out. and email address to request information from any company that's willing to send 25 . Even though she's not the one who ordered the food. Don't forget to check off the box that says. Send an extravagant bouquet of flowers to her work." 2. hey. give her the new wardrobe she always wanted. Tell her how very sick you are and dwell on it for a bit.on her. While you're at the doctor's office for said cold. Ever. 6. You and the bill collectors will have a field day with this one! 1. The next time you catch a cold. If she was really a bitch. That will cut her volumized ego right down to size! 5. lick her on the face. Use her name.Do NOT Try this at Home But get a good laugh thinking about it! 10. and list it for a cheap price. too! If one of them can't convince her to join. 4. Cut the boobs out of her shirts and paint bulls eyes on her ass. Fill out her name and address. Once she gets the hint. and Air Force to let them know 'she' is interested. "Bill me. Navy. Hell. Make the card read something like this: Hey Sexy. Make it sound really good.

This works well for colleges. and just about every TV commercial that guarantees weight loss results. Tupperware parties. 26 .information.

Though you should try to refrain from doing any of these things. And knowing what you don't want is just the beginning of knowing what you do want. After reading this e-book. After all. women come from different planets. go to the nudie bar . She tortured you by burning your skin with her random body hair. You now know exactly what you don't want in a girlfriend ever again. And now that you have a better idea of how to move on. it doesn't hurt to dream.Section 5 We Have Liftoff "Women are an alien race set down among us. You've even learned about why you should never let a woman go near your toilet. In the meantime. So. And when all else fails. But that's no reason to hate all of them. it really did teach you a lot. Laugh. Let your past relationship teach you an important lesson. By now. And she couldn't even bother to fry up a can of Spam for you. All in all. I hope you agree. Somewhere out there is a perfectly human girl just waiting for you. you've learned a lot now. You've learned about the mutated female logic gene and why women can't think like men. I hope you'll dream better tonight. 27 .John Updike So. With all you've learned. I'm sure you have. Smile. there we have it. She drove you crazy with her incessant need to talk and cuddle. I think your ex sort of sucks. and letting children hit her with sticks while she hangs from the laundry line she never used. you've entertained the idea of sizzling off all her hair. You've learned about the problems that come with opinions.you've earned it." . She made you say you love her when she looked more like your brother than your girlfriend/wife/mistress/sex kitten. go have fun. I hope you've come to understand exactly why you don't need crazy bitches like her in your life. And you'll find her when you're good and ready. Sure. enlisting her in the military. It's quite possible that they bleed slime instead of blood. live. After all.

Copyright 2005 – Lifted Hearts Network – ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 28 .

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