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saw* the movie 'Tootsie' starring "Dustin Hoffman Dustin Hoffman, and my whole and James Infantino life changed. James Infantino, director of the Co-op office was changed my life," also very supportive of my < sexchange," stated Wolper. \* said John Wolper. Infantino explained | that he Mercyhurst College authorities stayed by Wolper's side \at the announced on Thursday, April 7 hospital. "Johnny, or Joannie as that John Wolper, Hotel she prefers now, is a wonderful Restaurant Management (HRM) woman whom I find to be a very instructor was released from Mer- sensual, sensitive and loving percy Medical Center £ after a sex- son. V believe wedding bells are sounding," said Infantino. Junior change operation. i The Enquirer interviewed Maria Santangelo was unavailable Wolper after his operation to find for comment at press time. % out the I reasoning behind it. "I Wolper intends to remain

teaching classes at Mercyhurst. 1 "I think >Joannie's operation will]be an\ asset to the HRM department. After all, we've been wanting a woman faculty member for two years, IJ commented Frank P a u z e , | H R M department director. j K & 3 8 3 § M m The Enquirer I asked Dr. William P. Garvey, president of the college, how he felt about Joannie Wolper's J sex-change operation. "I think it's great. Everyone should do i. their own thing. After all, I will be on tour with the'Wigglin' Willies {band anyway.'' s fflBJSfSMiliflH'ifi

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John Green, star basketball player for the Mercyhurst Lakers, recently revealed that he has been reunited with his mother after 12 years. "Yes, he is my son!" exclaimed Cheryl Green, director of tutorial services at Mercyhurst College. |Green and -her son were reunited at a Laker home basketball game when Mrs. Green recognized her son on the court. "I would know that layup style ( anywhere," she revealed. "I taught him everything he knows!" The loving mother-and-son teanmoldfthe ENQUIRER that they were separated in 1971 when he was sent abroad to basketball camp. When John returned home for Christmas break during his second! year,'his mother was not there. # "I went to the Marvin Gaye conceit and never made it back," admitted Cheryl.* £ John lived from hand-to-mouth for nearly ten years until one day he was found huddled underneath the bleachers at St. Bonaventure University in Olean, New York. Coach of the St. Bonnie's hoopsters, Billy Kalbaugh, found . John and took him in. ^ "That's my little Johnny," said Kalbaugh, "I've made him the basketball star he is." Junior Maria Santangelo was unavailable for comment. "From the moment I found him I knew he would fulfill The Dream that I've always had," exclaimed Kalbaugh. f • §*

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a boy from Oil City, f Was a college presi- after he was discovered by a Los dent, till & he quit Angeles promoter visiting Erie to find new talent and see the sights. school. *^^tM An unscheduled act at the Junction, Garvey and*-his group, the Now I wanna be a PWiggUn' Willies"! had to be heavy metal star j9g| escorted from the bar when they continued tinging several hours With a leather after closing. This was the birth of a ** 4&*^v*» d bedspread and electricS brilliant career.assistant to the#i 99 John Nesbit, guitar. „ „ „ _ _ _ president 'for 'institutional ad3 •| (Ed. pfote: Sung to vancement, told \ the Enquirer, 44 At first, I thought his new career the tune of "Jack and would lead to a wild life;- you 9 know, wine and loose women Diane '* by pJo/m but Billy has a good head on his
shoulders," he said. "Actually, I'm beginning! to'like Jhisf new The lyrics 1 to? Dr. William career - I'm even learning to slam Garvey's hit^ tunel "Born to dance." ~1X9HB tt JPf Boogie" are the saga of his transi"I remember when Billy would tion from a small college president sing the theme; songs from his to a Rock and Roll star. Bp ;- favorite I shows, 'My Little Garvey skyrocketed to stardom Margie' and 'Howdy Doody' until

he would drive me crazy, Nesbit
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*• Garvey admits that he used to practice singing and dancing for his secretary Dorothy Kirk. Kirk commented,' "Beam me up, Scotty!" '^r < . £ Academic Dean David Palmer said he first realized something strange f was happening * to * the former president when he came into a meeting and burst into his rendition of Elton Jjohn's "Hey...Little -tDeaiiie,"" junior Maria Santangelo was unavailable for comment. • ,.* • v-v- = '-} Garvey and his band, the "Wigglin'' Willis" will begin a 12-country tour on April 15. The tour will include Iceland, Zimbabwe, Nicaragua, Finland, Upper M o n g o l i a , S i b e r i a , Greenland,"Madagsscar, Bolivia, Luxembourg, 4 Transylvania and Peoria. fe*£ *• ^P &w\^fcfc*l •

i . ^ L _* x i.. * J.^ « Garveylcommented, "Like,I- think the cold At the a mike, Garveyf? croons his Jheart-wretching irenditaon of shtLCldes ^ j m ^ j . ^ reaUy adfl i ^ t o e "Welcome To My Nightmare". outfit. The chicks really dig the stuffM
QUOTE OF THE WEEK "No Comment -Maria Santangelo
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than a charred * While celebrating kjln the midst memory, on the of a lesson the feast of Don Ho- burning bush, Father Chuck burst into flame. % ly, popular Mer- Dashing from the congregation, cyhurst [ chaplain O'Brien extinguished Father Chuck with the holy water from Father Chuck \ spon- the Baptismal font. Amid shouts of taneously combusted and "Amen", the "Praise God" chorus broke in f r o n t of an into a spirited rendition of "You Light Up My Life." f I astonished audience "Eet wass a meericle," Sister of 5 0 0 * H u r s t Elisabeth said, "a troo sien off Godt's pressenze." k students. Maria S a n t a g e l o was And if not for the quick think- unavailable for comment. ing of Bob O'Brien, Father Chuck "It was an act of divinetinwould today be • nothing more tervention," O'Brien reported.

"It was a mission from God." From his room in the intensive care 'unit of ?the Our Lady of Perpetual Light Hospital, Father Chuck talked to the ENQUIRER about his close call. * "Thank God for Bob O'Brien. He's the light of my life. A few more minutes and'I would have been one big ash hole. 3 "I took it as a sign from God. I've already sent my application fork canonization to Rome. One more big miracle and I'm in." & "Veevettaf andt I weeI nurse heem back to halth," Sr. Elisabeth promised. "Een the futur nee moost protekd heemself."

Hunka-Hunka Bunun' Love

C. Foods Diet For Fost, Amazing Weight Loss
A college weightloss program developed „ by Keith CrouseJ director of K.C. Foods, Inc. at Mercyhurst, now makes dieting simpler and more fun than evert before. The diet involves no caloriecounting, no exercise, and virtually no work.
Just eating the regular cafeteria foods in set portions and in specific combinations Awill produce fast, amazing weight loss.' "I never knew dieting could be so great," exclaimed!!R.A. Beth Marzullo. "This really beats mud wrestling to take off those unwanted pounds!" f P a u l a Tofil, a 'Hurst sophomore, lost an incredible 75 pounds in just one month while on the K.C. diet. 4 'I look great, I feel great; I'm not a blimp anymore!" says Tofil. "K.Q: worked wonders for me!" Tofil heard about the K.C. diet while having lunch one day.1 "1 heard MSG President Rich Lanzillo telling his friends about the unsuccessful spaghetti dieChe had been on. Well, when Bryan Doherty mentioned how much homo milk and jello you can have on K.C.'s diet, I knew I'd have to give it a try," remembers Tofil. {Directions for the diet are uncomplicated,- explains Keith Crouse. Thefirstday the El Ranchero sandwich is the main course, providing high protein and zippy flavor. Homo milk and jello balance out the day's menu which gives the dieter calcium and a light sugar content. F& On day two, navel oranges and { Captain's Wafers can be eaten in unlimited quantities. Homo milk and jello balance out the day's menu which gives the dieter calcium and a light sugar content. Weight management counseling will be offered on day three with cafeteria manager Jeff Campbell. "We'll meet in the.dishroom and rap abouUsnacking, soccer, how ;to watch what you eat at places like Panos' or Taco Bell, how a haircut can mean easier dieting, over-the-counter diet aids and their influence in making friends, as well as many, many more .interesting and helpful topics." I On days four and five, K.C. says it really doesn't matter what the students eat because they're so tired of milk and jello, they're usually not hungry anymore!''. The K.C. Foods Diet representative on campus™ Maree-Ljnn Cicon will hold fa? "happy feet organizational meeting" \ next Saturday at noon in the Campus Ministry. Dave Robinson and Dan Schrader will hum and make coffee during the meeting. * "I wouldn't miss this for the world," commented Schrader. "Maybe I'll even share* some tips from my 'Thesis' Diet." "Nothing beats a good presidential campaign to lose a few pounds," said Robinson. Junior Maria Santangelo was unavailable for comment. This utterly amazing diet program for students is finally in Erie at Mercyhurst College. And you read about it in the ENQUIRER.

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This is a direct quote from former administrative intern Rich Bengel. Bengel left his post at Mercyhurst after?he won $20.00 playing Bingo at St. Luke's Church recently. "I never knew getting rich could be so easy." \ Besides being a chronic bingo player,? Bengel enters other contests as well. Former office mate, James Connolly' stated that Bengel's desk used to be loaded with Publisher's Clearing House

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Sweepstakes, Reader's Digest off coupons and also enjoys an Sweepstakes, as well as the "Lost occasional game of Lotto. and Found" section of the daily ' T d play the lottery more, but newspaper. sometimes it's hard to fight my "When I get writer's cramp way through the long lines where from filling out contest forms, I the lottery tickets are sold!" ' take the newspaper, hop in my car Junior, Maria Santangelof was and look for lost animals. The unavailable for comment, i 4 'rewards* of my new job are plen'My sweepstakes idol is Mary tiful," revealed Bengel. Jean Weiser, a faculty secretary, Bengel sends I for f rebates who won $50,000 by playing the whenever possible. He uses cents- lottery," added Bengel.

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Rival'Schools Plan Incredible Merger
by Chunk Snob nia m e d e i t h e r A confidential Edinhurst or Mersource revealed to the cyboro, and apparentMercy hurst Enquirer ly the latter name is that the ^president of 'favored.} ! ^ Some changes have already apE d i n b o r o S t a t e peared on the former Mercyhurst University, Foster campus. The most notable! of which j§ the cube located on the Brooks, and Dr. north side of the LRC (see photo). informed the EnWilliam P. Garvey, Our sourceplans are in the works quirer that President of Mer- to move the cube from its present location to the top £ of the Old cyhurst College, |h ave Main tower so that it too may be agreed to a merger illuminated at night. The cube will rotate so that all sides of the new between their respec- logo I(designed by Dr. Pizzat's children's art class) will be visible. tive schools. The new A time and temperature feature university will be may be added at a later date. McDonalds

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Hln another move directl y related t^the merger, registrar Bonnie Cherico and Admissions Counselor Tom Dore have been named as people {who have no business coaching.*Both coaches, and junior Maria Santangelo were unavailable for comment, 1 The campus radical committee, an outlaw offspring of the Mercyhurst Student Government, has claimed responsibility for attempting to sabotage the new cube, and I continued on page 8

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Neptunians Seize Campus;, Administrator Reveals Alien Love
Top-notch Enquirer reporter Steve Curcio was on the scene as dozens of leisure-suited Neptunians landed last week on the Mercyhurst campus which has resulted in some destruction, ^ l! ail lot of excitement/and even joy fin one the heart starry-eyed administrator!^
Their relationship was a topic of speculation on campus when Aiello and Fard were spotted closer than this on* many occasions. But their whirlwind romance was confirmed this weekend when l Aiello proudly flashed the A carat diamond given her by Fard. "I can't believe this is happening to me. It's just like something out of The Waltons. '£
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lg"Yes, I love him," revealed Director of Housing and Safety Phyllis Aiello, referring to the captain of the Starship Puna, Keek Fard.

* 'That's even my favorite show," Curcio grinned. "He's everything I've ever wanted in a man /-even though he's two-faced," Aiello said. "I haven't seen Phyllis so happy since the 2-for-l sale at Dairy Queen," reports Director of A l u m n i R e l a t i o n s Gary Bukowski. p u t others on campus were not so enthusiastic about! the space invaders. 5''Look what they,did to this lawn!" screamed Dave Cherico, pointing out the damage done to the multi-purpose field by the landing space craft. ^Commented* E. Williamt Ken* nedy, Director of Student Servicest: a| "I don't care if they are from outer space. There will be no spaceship landings on this field for six months. % "And I mean it." The adventure began I at midnigh v\ on March 28, when the

Puna, mistook Mercyhurst, for Steve Curcio's thin driveway and landed at the school on the hill. Fard and 10 of»his 68 man crew donned ft heir best leisure suits, and set out to explore this strange new world. "They seem like nice guys / and they dress really well, too," commented Curcio. \ "When we saw Stevie, we felt right at home," said Fard. "But look what they did to the ladies room door!" shouted Igor Stalsky from inside the facility.; Despite the? damage, students were at first unaware of the event. "I just thought they were Gannon transfers,'' claimed Joanie Podolinski, a 'Hurst senior. Junior'jj!Maria Santangelo was unavailable for comment. The visitors were welcomed at a

gala Blue Room reception held late last week, and attended I by most of Mercyhurst's finest. Guest speaker at the extravaganza was football coach Tony DeMeo, who spoke on "Recruiting on § Neptune; How Big Do You Buys Get, Anyway?" Though many local luminaries attended the spectacular / including Mercyhurst President William P. Garvey, popular TV weatherman Vance McBride, and Steve Curcio / Captain Fard only had eyes for Aiello. " Wei hope to be married as soon as possible," Aiello swooned. "I've decided that I'll resign my position here. "Then, since we're both such fans of the sport, we're going to tour on the mud wrestling circuit with Steve Curcio."

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"They came in through here,'* Stalsky pointed out, In this rare photo, two-faced Captain Keek |Fard - sporting his souvenir angry at the destruction caused by the intergalactic Mercyhurst jersey. - explains the intricacies of a spaceship!control panel to an intruders. overawed Dick Garcia.
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Happiness is hearing a good "Lisa Costello" joket -Laura Copney Happiness would be having a dorm named after me. -Dean Hall
V

I By A. J. Mary and "Why dofthese to|me? { lamented ja things always [happen breathless jj Shirley Chunk Snob ^ [ Hordinski m directly following a close call.
1

,,

iHordinski,| noted copy center representative, was the recent victim of an unwarranted attack in the basement of Old Main. A loyal'Qwik I Print | manager, she wast working alone after hours when she was apparently cornered and repeatedly copied by a rampaging Xerox 4000 machine. SB

"I cried out! after each copy, Hordinski recalls, "but the stupid machine wouldn't stop {and no one came to help me." F B f f l » |hBill Ducz, J maintenance directory was I questioned! by I the Enquirer, j 1 jS^^B • k I "Sure I heard the screams," he admitted, "but I just thought she was into yoga or primal solitary therapy. If I'd known the situation I'd have run over with my tool box and beat the living paper out of it." g s l - Wmli I In order to conform to newly

appointed President Palmer's edict on wasting paper, copies of Shirley were distributed to faculty members for scratchlpaper. This evoked varied ^comments from 'Hurst faculty members. IT" I think this could be afnew breakthrough in the cloning process," commented Biology professor, Dr. Lewis Lutton. * B 'This has many empirical implication s," % vaguely stated Bud Brown. z& % W 'i. % . % I Junior ? Maria Santengelo was unavailable for comment, pt W\ ''This unnecessary duplication is anti-Reganomics," stated Dr. H. Michael Erisman, noted Caribbean cruise director and political science professor. 3 S The Xerox 4000 refused to comment, repeatedly flashing 'clear paper path' as campus security unmercilessly questioned the machine. I i
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Born with a deformity of his left nostril, -Georgie has t>eeir unable to do anything 5except spout religious •; philosophy and evaluate recent foreign films. M He*$ a very good little boy," says Georgie's case worker, Mary Daly. "Since he came here, he's had a hard time, without a loving family of his own to help him," Daly stated. £ t His own mother and father felt that they couldn't handle Georgie, so they left him here at Mercyhurst. Georgie was placed^ in several emergency foster homes, including the home of Admissions Director Andy Roth. ^ mm® "He was a| real Spain," commented Roth. Junior Maria SanGeorgie Garrelts $ tangelo was unavailable for comment. *f * But it wasn't until September of 1981, when Georgie was taken in by Media Services Director To adopt Georgie: If you are in- Office of External Affairs, Mer Sharon Sisco that Georgie started terested in adopting Georgie or cyhurst College, Glenwood Hills to show improvement. any other hard-to-place . faculty Erie. Pa. 16546. ', J* M & "When we first * brought him member — please contact: The here, all he would do was watch a videotape of The Ten Commandments and try to part the water in the bathtub," said Sisco^"Now he even plays with the dog!" Georgie. has begun doing other AND A LARGE SELECTION A COMPLETE LINE! things under limited supervision, OF SCHOOL SUPPLIES OF TEACHERS AIDS such as playing patty-cake by himself? and trying to write interoffice memos. Little Georgie is DRAFTING^! NOTE BOOKS in good health, and requiresSno GRAPHIC, AND RING BINDERS medication or special diet. ART SUPPLIES FILLER PAPER! PENS & PENCfLS This little boy has a loving heart DICTIONARIES SUPPLIES!** PORTFOLIOS! and a wonderful smile, and he's C o , inc. just as cute as can be! It's amazing how cheerful he is. He's so loving! He enjoys being held and| being hugged. I I | "George has so much love inside him! But he desperately needs The most interesting store in town a lasting, permanent family who Mon. Through Sat. 9 to 5 will take the time and effort to give him the support he needs!"
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§3 Those are the words of former Student Development Director E. William Kennedy. When learning that Mercyhurst President Garvey actually left his post to pursue a rock and roll career, Kennedy said he was inspired to do the same thing and go after I his lifelong ambition. I §81 | P ^ p w *»"Rome {has always been like home to Jime,"! theii would-bePontiff j confessed. J Although he has never been there, he said he has always liked to mill around in travel j agencies collecting brochures about Italy and gazing at the travel posters. Wm S^c SB "And I love to wear tall hats, too," added Kennedy. He told the ENQUIRER* hat at home The always made a habit of trying on large hats in front of his mirror. His gformer secretary! Sally Schrader said that she remembers ordering Abe Lincoln hats, dunce caps, $ sombreros, and, of course, rented Pope hats so that her boss could pursue his habit. | "Rome has always been like home to me/' the d Tyrone Moore, director of would-be-Pontiff confessed. $kk ! Career Services, said that several times when he visited Kennedy in

his I office,; the, administrator would be boning up on his Latin and waving a yardstick with a foil ball on the end of it. "I guess he pretended it j was a scepter," ? assumed Moore. * tjjjla S Junior Maria Santangelo was as usual, unavailable for comment. I Asa going away gift, the Mercyhurst community presented Kennedy with a Josten'sfishring. S "If and when I [become Pope Eugene I, I'll never forget you all when I see this ring," he declared. ^ During his employment at the 'Hurst, William Kennedy has touched many lives of the students who are enrolled at the school on

Vatican. JH 8£jt * S "I will not forget the 'Hurst," said j Robinson. "The money I make peddling pops will be sent to Mercyhurst so I may keep one of my campaign promises; to grow grape vines on the maintenance fence." & L Z- J& -

Merger IM
Continued from page 5

the bombing of several lavatories the hill. S P n l M throughout the school. This group j | "We have become great friends of revolutionaries is reportedly led over ?the {years,'' commented by MSG* president-elect \Dave senior Mary Fatigati. "After pro- Robinson, |and advised by wellblemsfwith fire hoses, bathroom known liberal/conservative Dr. M r doors, and many out-of-hand par- Barry Grossman. | ties, his only request from me is to 1 Dr. Garvey, outgoing president hand over my first born son to the of Mercyhurst, appeared ecstatic Church " § I g|gj % 3J| about the merger, as he displayed j | Former? student and ex- the Edinboro pennant in his ofemployee of Kennedy, Patricia fice. Garvey said that he was very Phillipi was j not available for happy about the* potential for academic | improvement, Dr. comment. * '$&&£& m Garvey also informed the EnNewly| elected MSG President Dave Robinson will give up his quirer that he will be unavailable for further comment, due to his new position at the 'Hurst to travel with Kennedy and sell Jello leaving on an overseas tour with his new rock group. Pudding § Pops1 in front of tthe

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E.T. and a host of others have really gained. . . popularity - for lack of a better term - said History Prof Mike McQuillen.

Didn't anyone ever tell Steven Spielberg that it's not polite to point?questioned Admissions Counselor Steve Frisina.
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A Polish JE.T.? fls Dick Kubiak imitating E.T. or is the getting \ down to a funky beat? \ ~<

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Winner! Criminal Justice instructor Raymond strikes the pose that won him dinner for two at Mary's Puppy Palace as the first place finisher ENQUIRER'S annual E.T. look-alike contest!
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Gary Bukowski, phone home!