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Contents Page

Navigation: Please click on an article to go straight to that


one. You can come back to the contents page by clicking
on the title of each article.

An introduction from your author..

Alan Tonge’s Autism charity page

January 4th – Rivals Implode

January 10th – What’s the frequency Kenneth?

January 18th – Can Kenny take them down?

January 25th – The romance of the transfer window

1st February – The transfer window slams shut

9th February – 19 reasons to love United

17th February – Rooney scores a lucky shiner

23rd February - Worlds Bestest Great Legendary Genius

3rd March – Twats of the Week

10th March – Suarez.. What a girl

16th March – Aldridge invades twitter

25th March – VALUE in the transfer market?

1st April – Gerrard’s done it again

5th April – What F*cking What?

13th April – What a crackin’ erection

20th April – Spewing with joy

29th April – Apocalypse now Awards – part one

5th May – The Royal Wedding and Awards – part two

13th May – Stevie says

21st May – How to be a Cunt

26th May – The Grand Finale


Introduction from your author.. Alan Tonge’ss Autism charity page
pag

I can vividly remember the day that Yolkie finally – after http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/AlanTonge
much berating – agreed to let me
e send him an article for
7Cantonas. I sat at my typewriter and scratched my head.
What was I going to write about? Tactically I am retarded;
I have as much nous as Rafael Benitez, so that was out of
the question. I couldn’t do match reviews because I am
just
ust too biased. If a goal is scored against United not only
is it the fault of the match officials, I can also usually pin
the blame to at least 7 other sources;

Global warming, 7th day Adventists, swarming locusts,


Jamie Carragher etc etc.
The inspiration behind running the Bupa Great
I also couldn’t be trusted to review the papers as I have a
Manchester Run (10k) lay with my Nephew, Nathan. He
slight penchant for embroidering the truth and fairly
was diagnosed with autism at 3 years old. Autism is a
reasonable headlines could become scandal coated
disorder
isorder involving three areas (the triad of impairment).
fabrications that would rock the game to its very core.
To varying degrees children have: difficulties with their
So what was I left with? I started perusing the interwebnet
inte social interaction, imagination and language development.
and came across the quotes from Thieving Gerrard about He is a super, loving child, however faces many challenges
Joe Cole being the best player in the world and instantly I ahead. I’m just glad to be able to do something positive
was inspired. I managed to create a whole article mocking and help raise some funds. I’ll definitely be looking for
the words of the foolish DJ beater and “A Week In more ways to raise more monies in the future and would
Football” was born. Half a season later and Yolkie and Kyle like to ask you to consider making a donation, no matter
are still letting me soil their website with my vitriol, how small to this fantastic cause..
despite the odd threat of legal action, and now as a way of
- Alan Tonge
wrapping up the 2010/11 season, the one in which United
became THE most successful club in the history of English
football, we have collated every single edition and put
them together in a downloadable PDF format.

Please feel free to download and read at your leisure,


maybe ring bind and laminate them and give them to a
scouser for Christmas. All we ask is that you consider
following the link To Alan Tonge’s (Sir Alex Ferguson’s first
signing at United) page and think about making a donation
to the fantastic cause that he is representing.

- JY
Rivals Implode the one goal little Joe Cole has scored for Liverpool came
at the weekend against Bolton and hopefully this rare win
January 4th 2011
will have provided Woy with a wepwieve. I firmly believe
“[Lionel] Messi can do some amazing things, but anything that Woy was wecwuited by Sir Alex with the sole purpose
he can do Joe can do as well, if not better. He used to of keeping Liverpool away from the top 6. Sir Alex told him
shock us in training by doing footy tricks with a golf ball he was going to take Chris Smalling and in return he would
that most players
layers can’t even do with a football. I really relocate him in Merseyside with a well paid job. So far
fancy Joe for the [player of the year] award this season.” Woy is doing a wemawkable job and with a twist of good
fortune and a smattering of well timed injuries we hope to
see Liverpool finish in the bottom
tom half of the table this
season.

Some more well chosen lines have been erupting from


Stamford Bridge over the last seven days. Firstly, Tiny
tears told us that Chelsea are still the best team in the
country. Thanks John, but how can you possibly justify
that? Are Chelsea top of the league? No, they are
sitting uncomfortably in 5th place. Then they must be the
form team? No again, they are the 12th best team where
form is concerned in the Premier league and they recently
scraped a draw against the worst form
fo team, Aston Villa.
So in John Terrry and Steven Gerrard we seem to have
ourselves a pair of story tellers.
These were actual words spoken by Steven Gerrard as he
heralded the signing of Joe Cole. When you analyse the
Then the striker we all love to hate, Dider Drogba decides
stats he is right, Joe Cole has played
d 13 games (3 as sub)
he should explain why he has been playing like an
and scored one goal and received one red card.
amputee for most of the season. Apparently
Appar he is still
suffering from Malaria. This might be why he has only
Whereas “one trick” Messi has played 14 league games,
scored five goals since the opening day of the season? Or
scored 17 goals and provided 10 assists. In fact if you go
it might be because he has spent the subsequent four and
back a bit further in the last 3 years Messi has scored 768
a half months moaning, whining and falling over at the
goals, 1,400 assists,
ssists, won the Champions league, three
merest hint of an opponent’s shadow. He also told us
league titles, an Oscar, the booker price and the mercury
that their league position is very similar to that of the
music prize as well as being chosen as rear of the year in
same period last season. I checked this out (who am I to
Guam and The Easter islands. So it seems Steven may not
mistrust the cheater?) and it would seem he is wrong. At
have really thought his statement through, in fact it may
the end of the Christmas period 2009 Chelsea were top of
have been one of the most inaccurate set of words spoken
the table, now they are 5th. Similar Didier? Not so
since Emlyn Hughes said “It’s a panic buy” to describe the
much. Add Drogba to our gang of story tellers as well.
purchase of Lord Eric Cantona.

Another piece of news to capture my imagination this


Why review the words of the Southport bashe
asher now? Well
week was that Blackburn has made an offer for former What’s the Frequency, Kenneth?
Balon d’or winner Ronladinho. Even despite his fall from
January 10th 2011
the peak of world football over the past few years this still
seems an unlikely deal, but as we now realize watching
City sign player after player these days it is ALL about
money. It conjures up a wonderful mental image of the
goofy
oofy samba star sat in an office surrounded by
chicken carcasses with Mrs Desai while they wax lyrically
about the ambition of Blackburn and how he will dovetail
beautifully with Chris Samba and El Hadji Diouf.

Then we entered the farce that we know as the


th winter
transfer window. Surely created just to sell more copies of
the Daily Star and generate hits on spurious websites that
peddle lies and nonsense. “Sources” that have “seen” Xavi
at John Lennon airport wearing an Ian Rush tribute
moustache and a shellsuit. “Groundstaff” that gasped as
they watched David Beckham rock up at the Boleyn
ground and launch into a rendition of “blowing bubbles”.

So as we saw in the summer United will be linked with Discussing Kenny Dalglish’s shock return to Liverpool,
around 198 various players, then as the signings fail to comparing it with John Barnes’ reign at Celtic and
materialize
terialize the press will say it is just down to lack of expressing disbelief at Frank Lampard’s mobility; it’s a
funds and that Rooney will be off to Ewood park in the week in football, brilliantly written by John – follow him
summer for £57 million and three dozen chicken thighs. on Twitter.

So King Kenny returns to the scousers and thus provides us


with one of the most nonsensical comebacks since Dirty
Den returned to Albert Square. Kenny Dalglish is now 86
years old and hasn’t managed a professional football club
for 11 years. Even then he was at Celtic after curiously
recommending that they hired John Barnes as manager, a
suggestion made all the more bizarre by offering to take
over should the inexperienced Barnes fail. Of course
Barnes did fail, he was sadly not gifted with a single brain
cell and as such found it impossible to manage a club so
dominant in their domestic competitions that they have
90 major honours.

His worst moment came as he led Celtic to a home defeat


against Caley Thistle – then part timers struggling
truggling in the long-term
term brief of keeping Liverpool in the bottom half of
First Division. This result is akin to United losing 17-1
17 at the table, while ensuring that they sign the flotsam and
Old Trafford to ITV’s Loose Women. That coupled with jetsam
m of European football. In that regard Woy was doing
falling 10 points behind Rangers was the final straw for a sterling job having captured the worlds best player Joe
Barnes and he was duly sacked. How wrong Celtic were Cole, Christian Poultry and the mercurial Meireles whilst
though, he dusted
ed himself off and 9 years later took the sending Aquilani back to Italy. However with a healthy
reins of Tranmere with the third most annoying scousers compensation payment he can whistle
whis his way through
of all time Jason Mcateer, but this duo of remedials could the Mersey tunnel having done a grand job ensuring the
only win 3 out of 14 games and again Barnes was scousers finish trophy less and out of the champions
dismissed. league places for another year. Unless Kenneth can guide
them to the Zenith Systems European Thursday night for
That rambling was to highlight the fact that Kenny is underachievers cup
up league thing.
clearly a halfwit and this was clarified by his team
selection for the huge FA Cup match. I wasn’t sure if Kenny Maybe Ancellotti has bought himself some time with a 7-0
7
had watched a game in the last 5 years because he failed drubbing of Ipswich – but this is merely a case of a
to pick Joe Cole. As I highlighted last week we all know playground bully picking on the snotty child as
that Joe Cole is currently the best player in the world so to managerless (at the time) Ipswich were there for the
see him omitted from the team was a shock indeed, but taking, the only real surprise
se being Fat Frank managing to
then he also failed to notice that during the rafalution score twice in a minute. I would have imagined that
Liverpool had signed Sloth from the Goonies and were waddling back to the halfway line, eating a pie, having a
playing him on the right hand side of midfield.
ld. cuddle with Tiny Tears and eating another pie would have
taken a couple of minutes in itself.
As we all know now Ken was slating the referee after the
game, alleging that the penalty and the sending off were As for Grant and Houllier
llier no one really cares. They are
unjust, he didn’t go as far as Ryan Babel though who both dodgy managers who have had more than their fare
tweeted a mocked up picture of Howard Webb in a United share of luck and we the only thing that generates even
shirt. What a shame for the young
ung man that when the tiniest bit of interest in their fate is that that they have
Liverpool finally realise he is the reincarnation of Ali Dia both been beaten to the title by Lord Ferguson.
Ferguso I would
and sell him to Bedlington Terriers the only thing that he imagine Grant will be sacked and replaced with Big Sam
will be remembered for is his Photoshop skills and his who will use the transfer window to buy any player over
bench warming prowess. the height of 6 foot 5, while Grant goes back to his
previous day job as a baron Greenback impersonator.
The “Sack race” has been dominating the headlines over Houllier will probably be sacked
ked too as he drags Villa
the last week with four managers having earth deeper into relegation trouble. If he can quickly grow an
shatteringly bad seasons. Hodgson, Houllier, Ancellotti impossibly thin moustache there might still be time for a
and Grant being the men involved. Sadly the first die has stint playing Poirot on ITV 6 in the early spring.
been cast and Liverpool removed (by Mutual consent –
hmmmmm) Hodgson on Saturday – 24 hours before the FA
Cup clash with the mighty United. As I mentioned last
week I am sure that Woy was employed by Sir Alex with a
Can Kenny Take Them Down? the title in 1995, albeit by default as Eric Cantona was
ridiculously banned from playing after accidentally
acc
January 18 2011
tripping and falling awkwardly on a spectator at Crystal
In 1990, McDonald’s opened their first restaurant in Russia Palace.
– presumably serving McTurnip burgers, the prisoners got
on the roof at Strangeways prison and stayed there for Fast forward 20 years and those deluded half-wits,
half

more than three weeks, East and West Germany united, inbreds, and hubcap thieves on Merseyside think that

and George Bush gave the command to send the troops “King” Kenny is going to take them back to the promised

into Kuwait. land (the dole queue).. First and foremost, he abandoned
them saying that he was under too much pressure – then
popped up eight months later at Blackburn. A bit like Sir
Alex leaving United now and then resurfacing at Burnley in
September. Yet that didn’t matter, this was “King”
“King Kenny;
he is a Scouse hero. Aside from that he hasn’t managed a
team in over 10 years and quite possibly hasn’t watched a
game of any real quality in all of that time. He is also three
matches in and only has a draw to his name. Today,
Steven Legohead Gerrard
rrard made a statement on the
matter. Sadly no one had any idea what he said as they
The average house cost £72,290 and a GALLON of petrol haven’t located Carragher to translate it. We think it might
cost about the same as a Litre does now. Mobile phones have been displaying some kind of hope that Ken stays for
were the size of shoeboxes, there was no porn on the ten years, but this is as yet unconfirmed. Wouldn’t it be
Internet, and SKY TV had not officially invented
vented football. beautiful if United went on to claim the record breaking
This was also the year that Liverpool last won the league 19th title, thus knocking Liverpool off their perch as Kenny
title, or as it was then the first division. They had one and Legohead slid pathetically into the Championship,
Kenneth Dalglish at the helm, and seemingly nothing could their players unable to understand Kenny’s deranged
stop them ploughing through the 90s in the same way that Glaswegian ramblings.
they had dominated the 80s. Except then Kenneth went a
bit mad and decided he couldn’t cope with the pressure of In other
ther news, Citeh got themselves another striker.

his team winning most weeks and walked away from the Clearly they needed another average forward to

council house to become a furniture loving recluse. In accompany half-man, half-mythical


mythical beast Tevez,

1992, the back pass was outlawed, allegedly because the Adebayor, Balotelli, Jo, Bellamy, Santa Cruz, Weiss, and

World Cup in 1990 was rubbish and boring, but really the Caicedo. All they need now is another five defensive

dark lord Dalglish had persuaded FIFA to outlaw it as he midfielders


fielders and surely Mancini will proclaim that they are

aimed his Jack Walker-funded


funded Blackburn at the title. He the best team on the planet (again). It would seem that Mr

realised that the Liverpool team would be bereft of ideas if Cook had scripted Dzeko’s first words as a Citeh player.
they couldn’tt repeatedly pass back to the keeper, and
their tactics of boring the opposing team to death before
scoring a goal would be negated. Kenny did win Blackburn
Dobbin van Horsie two goals. Dobbin is one of the most
overrated footballers alive and quite often Arsenal’s
failure to win a trophy is blamed on his unfortunate
absence through injury. I can concur with this as over the
last two seasons he has suffered with a ruptured eyebrow,
a nasty cough, Mange, worms and worst of all he went
lame for three months with a stone in his hoof. I can only
imagine that West Ham haven’t sacked
sack Grant yet as they
don’t fancy paying him off. That £5 million pounds plus
compensation is a big sum of money – they will have to

Edin guaranteed himself an even more difficult afternoon sell a whole load of butt plugs to Chelsea fans to

at Old Trafford by declaring


ring that most people in supplement that.

Manchester are Citeh fans. That’s like saying that most


people in Newcastle support Gateshead FC. Given his
Bosnian-ness,
ness, I am sure that Vidic was looking forward to
cleansing him prior to these comments… I wonder how
many pieces Nemanja
emanja can break him into? Citeh had a
short stay at the pinnacle of English football on Saturday
night; long enough for the delusions to entrench
themselves even more in the minds of their embittered
fans. The way they reached the summit was laughable,
storming to a 4-1
1 lead against Wolves before nearly
managing to hand them a point with Green-like
like
goalkeeping and “can’t be bothered I haven’t had a fake
tan all day”-style defending.

Mike Dean managed to further endear himself to all


United fans with the ridiculous
diculous sending off of Rafael. I
imagine he chuckled all the way back to Heswall, Wirral
after that bit of magic. He couldn’t stop the mighty Reds
returning to the top of the league though, and still with
their unbeaten record in tact. Nice to see that no United
players resorted to Ryan Babel-like
like behaviour, tweeting
pictures of Mike Dean in a Spurs shirt, only because we all
know that the incapable clown would have had a Liverpool
one on.

Baron Greenback remains at West Ham despite their


entire team going missing against Arsenal on Saturday
evening. They were so poor that they even
n allowed
all
The Romance of the Transfer Window

January 25th 2011

I love January. I have always enjoyed the new start feeling


I get when I wake up on New Years Day.

I also love certain events and traditions that take place. I


have always been a huge fan of the FA Cup, and I have told
anyone that would listen how I can vividly remember
Norman Whiteside bending the winner impossibly past fat
Neville Southall in 1985. I was playing Lego at the time,
eating some beans on toast, and as the ball nestled behind
the unrealisticallyy hefty Everton goalie my dinner got
hurled into the air and my Lego knights were never the
same again.

When I was a callow youth, the FA Cup was held in higher


regard than the league, quite possibly because United
seemed more likely to win it, but also because
cause of the
outlandish results and fixtures that it conjured up. Living But over the last few years the perception of the FA Cup
relatively near to Kidderminster, I can remember the fever has changed as the game
e overall has altered. Gone is “the
pitch excitement that was created by the Harriers’ run to romance of the cup” as managers of relegation threatened
the fifth round in 1994. Saying that, the first match I ever teams send out their under-9
9 line up to avoid tiring or
went to watch involved Kidderminster Harriers; I was injuring their useless bunch of donkeys that have guided
dragged to Wembley to see them play Burton Albion in them to the bottom three in the first place. Managers
Manag of a
the FA Trophy final against Burton Albion. The year was team anywhere above 12th send out reserves and youth
1987 and I was wearing my newly acquired United kit, the players because they are still aiming for a spot in the
one with the white flashes on the shoulderss and the club Thursday night farce that is the UEFA Europa Challenge
crest in the middle. Having only really watched United league cup championship. Ironically they will fight to
play up till that point, I was absolutely dumbfounded by clinch a spot in this ridiculous
lous event and then do their
the pile of crap that took place on the pitch. There was no utmost to get knocked out as early as possible because
Jesper Olsen streaking down the touchline and no Bryan their team has now slipped into the bottom half of the
Robson destroying
ing everything in midfield despite 14 table with the strains of the extra football.
broken ribs and two broken shoulders. The game was a 0-0
0
The main change in January has been the creation, by Sky
bore and it is amazing that I didn’t consign football to the
Sports News, off the transfer window – sponsored by SKY.
bin there and then.
Where people used to look forward to the FA Cup third
round, the potential of a giantkliller like Wycombe, Yeovil
or Sutton United, and also the chance to see a marathon
stint of highlights and action on the telly, they are now
thinking about the transfer window. This is all pre-season
season in Lanzarote realised they were doomed and
compounded by thousands of “gossip” websites peddling turned instead to raising revenue for the club; even at £1
their ridiculous “exclusives” but the fire is mainly stoked per letter his printing could have raised an extra £20 per
by Sky Sports. They now have a countdown clock which sale. That must have been the only reason because at 31
one of their presenters appears
ears in front of while using appearances
rances and 3 goals he was more Heskey than Messi.
Andy Gray’s newly redundant giant touch screen plasma
to update us of the latest breaking news. The thing about During the summer transfer window, Steve Bartram of

the transfer window – sponsored by SKY – is that nothing manutd.com wrote a transfer diary and every time there

really happens. The big teams tend to have done their was speculation from any “source” the name and

work in the summer, City excluded, while the mid-table


mid potential fee was added to his list. Over the course of the

teams scramble and fight over players that normally window United were linked with 106 players at a total

wouldn’t trouble a Championship team. Suddenly a player potential fee of £1.877 billion pounds and the club actually
is made available by his team in the Ukrainian second signed none of them. They all went to City.

division, this player hails from the mighty footballing


But that demonstrates why the transfer window –
nation of Guam and before you can say “channel 455 in
sponsored by SKY – was created; to ultimately
ultima drive traffic
HD” he is involved in a tug of war between Stoke,
to Sky, and if you really want to treat yourself go along to
Sunderland, Bolton and West Brom.
the transfer centre section of their website and “surf”

The relegation-threatened
threatened teams are the ones that get away. There is a transfer fee ‘Totaliser’ which keeps a

involved and spend the money – well apart from the running total of the money spent so far in a very Blue

doomed teams. They have already accepted their fate and Peter stamp
mp appeal way. There is also my favourite item of

so they just try to get their name into the frame to the whole event – your rumours, where folks can let Sky

appease their supporters, who then fall for the hype and know what the news on their club is. Actual examples are

convince themselves they are going to climb up the table “my brother works for KLM airline, Suarez booked on a

because Ronaldinho is going to put


ut a return to his native flight to Liverpool at 8:35” and “Luis Suarez’s agent has

Brazil on hold to sign a short-term


term deal with Wigan been spotted contacting an estate agent – he is so

because he totally “gets their project”. confident the move will go through”.

Surely these managers are sat their thinking “Christ, I The second one is the finest piece of transfer gossip I have

shouldn’t have spent the entire month of July rimming ever read. This scouser has apparently seen the agent of

Bosnian waitresses in Lanzarote.


rote. If I don’t sign someone Luis Suarez (good football knowledge
know to be able to

soon we are going down”. That can be the only reason recognise a player from Uruguay’s agent) and has worked

they hadn’t done their necessary transfer business in the out that the gentleman was contacting an estate agent.

summer when the bigger clubs do. So in an act of The agent in question, Pere Guardiola, is a Spanish chap,

desperation a club lacking goals makes a bid for Carlton so again good knowledge of a foreign language, however

Cole or Emile
mile Heskey, while a club lacking creativity in improbable that
hat may be for a scouser. Unless Pere was

midfield tries to sign Robbie Savage or Lucas Leiva, and the stood down Croxteth High Street mumbling into his
only people that really profit are the agents and the club Blackberry in broken English about “finding an owse for

shops. Which maybe explains perfectly how Hull came to dee striker Suarez oo is flying into Liverpool to sign for the

sign Jan Vennegoor of Hesselink. Brown, having done the manager that looks like an old lady called Maggie”.
Ma It
doesn’t sound totally convincing to me. The Transfer window slams shut

rate players to
So you can expect another wave of second-rate 1st February 2011

be washed into our league during the remainder of the More than £200m was wasted by clubs in the January
window, and you can also be sure that City will be linked 2011 transfer window. I know this is true because I read it
with a “marquee” signing but end up with a second-hand
second on the website of the official sponsors
spon of “Deadline Day”.
tent instead. United will be linked with another 63 players, £218,525,000 is the official figure shown on the Sky Sports
and then the Gooners will buy a 14-year-old
old Belgian “Transfer Window Totaliser”, and that is without
(because to Wenger Belgium is the new France) who significant spending from either Manchester club, Arsenal
undoubtedly will play 54 Carling Cup games over the next or Spurs. So essentially it was the usual farcical melee with
10 years and then move on a free to Auxerre. And finally, everyone
ryone trying to grab the “last turkey in the shop” in a
in a mad flurry of false paperwork and missing documents, frantic dash. The transfer window is not unsimilar to 2am
Arry will buy nine players and loan four out just as the in a booze-fuelled
fuelled nightclub. The managers have forgotten
window slams shut, with a net spend of £45, a jar of jellied to make any significant kind of plans or preparation, and
eels and one of Jamie’s testicle wrapping
ng suits. so are forced to stumble round
ound desperately trying to find
anyone they can to sign (have a fumble with). All normal
decision-making
making processes are thrown out of the window,
and with their “beer goggles” on they suddenly see
average players as world-beaters.
beaters. Reasonable players like
Charlie
arlie Adam suddenly look like Andres Iniesta through
the eyes of deadline-inebriated
inebriated managers, and with a little
imagination and extending of the truth from the sponsors
of the “transfer window”, logic goes missing. At one point
Sky were claiming that the midfielder, who tragically
suffers from elephantiasis of the head, was being chased
by Liverpool and United and both clubs had lodged bids of
£14m. Not only that, but Sir Alex and Hatstand Kenny
were engaged in a frantic car chase up the M6 to try and
personally
onally ensconce the man who the mighty Glasgow
Rangers didn’t consider good enough. These reported fees
and exaggerated carry on were all disproved the day after
the window slammed shut. The Tsar of “The Transfer
Window – Sponsored by SKY”, Mr Arry Redknapp,
Redknap told us
all what had really happened.
responsible manner, until transfer windows approached
their dying embers. As the clock frantically ticked and the
Sky Sports news team grew ever more agitated, poor old
Arry was possessed with the need to purchase. Never
more so than in “Winter Transfer Window 2011 in
Association with Sky”. Having sold Robbie Keane to
another one of his boyhood clubs, poor old Arry suddenly
felt the compulsion to get
et himself another striker. This
need must have arisen while watching “Revista De La Liga”
judging by the alleged approaches. Giuseppe Rossi, Diego
Forlan, Fernando Llorente, Sergio Aguero were all
allegedly targeted and all bids were turned down, but Arry
wasn’t done yet. Kept awake by the gnawing desire to
buy, Arry finally had his light bulb moment, a player that
Arry is without doubt the man for whom the window he knew had handed in a transfer request. Although he
(sponsored by SKY) was invented. For him, the had wanted a striker, he now didn’t care – he just had to
responsibility of handling a transfer budget is just too spend. Even a few million, just to open the release valve
much. When he was at West Ham he never really had any on his own transfer pressure cooker. Charlie bloody Adam.
money to spend and so was forced to “make do” with Again, Arry wanted a striker, but what the fuck? As long as
youngsters such as Rio Ferdinand, Frank Lampard, Michael he could buy someone, anyone would do. Luckily for all
Carrick, Jermaine Defoe and of course the world’s greatest Spurs fans the deal was a moment too late and the
player little Joey Cole. But once he returned to generous
us headed midfielder was condemned to five more
Portsmouth and they had their questionable cash
ca injection months in Blackpool.
he was able to invest in real talent. With some cash
burning a hole in his probably stolen trousers he was able It wasn’t just Arry that was driven stir crazy by the
to go out and get some real footballers, and before long pressure of this manufactured spending spree though. A
Portsmouth fans were treated to the likes of John Utaka, man who has before been beaten by the tension and
Papa Bouba Diop, Djimi Traore and David Nugent. Proof, if expectations of football management
agement also lost his mind
it were needed, that quilt face should have been kept well yesterday. Poor old Hatstand Dalglish. As the decision was
away from the chequebook. made to sell Mrs Torres to John Terry yesterday, we all
knew what effect it might have on Hatstand. The unhinged
Once he had spent all of Portsmouth’s money, he quickly Scotsman probably sought some transfer advice from his
engineered himself a move to Spurs. He knew that they standard
andard lamp before scouring the country for a similarly
would have plenty to spend and the thought of that alone talented striker to replace their pre-op
pre No9. I can only
drove him to London. The first thing he did was buy half of imagine he started a geographic search in the northeast
his old Portsmouth team as a security blanket and then set before being distracted by the constant chattering coming
off in search of more brilliance. Now with more money from his office chair. A quickk debate with the rest of his
and a bigger club with which to attract the players,
pl Arry furniture left him behind schedule, so he weighed up his
desired all that seemed well in the world. Arry even options – would it be Andy Carroll or Shola Ameobi? Well
seemed to spend Daniel Levy’s money in a more
poor old Shola hasn’t scored a goal since netting a double at Atletico that had “You’ll Never Walk Alone” scrawled on
for his school team, so Hatstand settled on Andy Carroll.
Carr the inside. Well it delighted the ones with the capacity to
read, so probably at least a dozen of them were pleased.
Ell Nino became a hero of the Kop by scoring more than 20
league goals in his first season, thereby becoming the first
Liverpool player to do so since Robbie Fowler in 95-96.
95
Unfortunately for the scousers, he was surrounded by a
pile of rotting shit masquerading
ading as footballers, so they
ended the season trophyless. After two more seasons of
the same crap, the Liverpool manager Waiter Benitez was
sacked and they turned to special agent Woy Hodgson.
Hodgson had been deployed by Sir Alex to ensure that
Liverpool finished outside the top four and he put in a
sterling shift before the owners found him out and duly
A recent England international and showing signs of
sacked. Special agent Hodgson had announced that Torres
promise, Carroll would seem a reasonable enough choice
was not for sale at the start of the season and Torres
for around £10million or so, but just in case that all
herself backed that up by stating, “My commitment
com and
seemed too sensible, Kenny thought he better give it the
loyalty to the club and to the fans is the same as it was on
“Hatstand” treatment – hey presto,
esto, one pony-tailed
pony
my first day when I signed”. As is often the case in these
woman beater for £35m. Bargain. Andy does come with a
situations it was only a matter of time before he left. Poor
bit of a reputation as a violent drinker though. He also has
old Roman Abramovich, village idiot and part-time
part
the criminal record to back it up, having allegedly smashed
billionaire, had always wanted a super striker. The last
a glass in someone’s face during a nightclub tussle. All they
th
time he chose one himself, he plumped for Andriy
have to do now is stop the young scamp getting on the
Shevchenko from AC Milan, and £30million later he had
sauce and smashing poor scousers faces in. Second
his man. The Ukrainian had been prolific during his career,
thoughts – let’s get him a discount card for Bargain Booze.
scoring goals by the bucket load at Dynamo Kyiv and
a AC
And what of Fernando Torres – golden boy of the Kop. Milan, but sadly coming to Chelsea was the end of his goal
scoring. His initiation to the team was cruel; John Terry
claims that all new signings are made to stand on a chair
and sing to the squad, but we all know they are made to
have man cuddles with
th Ashley Cole. The humiliation was
too much and despite washing up to seven times a day he
still felt dirty. Andriy mustered four goals in his first
season, and half way through the next season was sent
back to Milan, feeling used and unclean. The experience
experie
hasn’t upset the village idiot though, and apparently it was
he alone that wanted to purchase Torres. It must have
been one hell of a surprise to the Chelsea doctor and
Supposedly a one-time target of United,
ited, he delighted all
physio when halfway through the medical Torres
scousers by wearing a captain’s armband during his time
accidentally revealed his badly scarred
red lady garden. Who said there was no value in the market?

Luckily for Sky, these two transfers made “Deadline Day in


Association with SKY” appear a tiny bit dramatic. Tales of
Torres bidding a tearful goodbye to her boyfriend
Carragher and then swooping off in a helicopter were
created by the Sky
ky team in an attempt to dramatise the
day. We had the supposed car chase up the M6 to get the
unfeasibly large headed Adam signed up, and then the
excitement of who would replace Carroll at Newcastle.
Sadly there is another village idiot in charge of Newcastle,
Newc
so again logic was defied. You would think that Mike
Ashley had made enough money out of the scousers from
sales of Fila and shell suits alone, but the greedy fat man
wasn’t happy until he had extorted £35m for Carroll. So
the only remaining question
n to be answered was where
would he spend his money. Which striker could he lure to
the north-east
east of England? The obese clown had other
ideas though and decided that the best way to try and
replace the goals scored by his woman-beating
beating striker
would be to go for……..N’Zogbia, a man who despised his
previous spell at Newcastle so much that he was happy to
sign for Wigan just to get away. A sulking left midfielder
who had only troubled the goal net 21 times in his entire
career. But then, Ashley is the man who
o bought the club
for millions of pounds and then sat in the crowd necking
pints of beer wearing an ill-fitting
fitting replica shirt. The man
who re-enlisted King Kev – not to be confused with King
Kenny – but equally as mentally challenged. The man who
sacked his title-winning
winning manager and replaced him with
perpetually average Alan Pardew. The man who actually
gave employment to repugnant midget Dennis Wise.

So, £35million for a striker that is as likely to go to prison


as he is to score a goal. £50million for a striker
triker that is still
to finish gender reassignment. £24million for a striker who
once missed a goal so open that Arry deemed his wife
could have scored it, and £22.8 million for a striker that is
quite possibly going to be suspended for wearing illegal
teeth.
19 Reasons to Love United CHELSEA – In the days before the Village Idiot put some of
his roubles into Chelsea, I didn’t dislike them that much. I
9th February 2011
admired the fact that they let their fans park round the
So after 29 league games unbeaten, United finally lost… pitch – not so far for those poor old pensioners to walk to
against Wolverhampton bloody Wanderers. Rubbish. So their seats. I also enjoyed the terrible kits they wore,
the media have once again awarded the Premier League particularly the turquoise affairs of the late 80s. Then I
title to Arsenal or Chelsea and have declared that it will be realised how much I hated them as they recruited such
many years until we win the league again as despicable individuals as Tiny Tears and Cashley Hole.
our ageing stars and manger cannot be replaced with the When you add in the most overrated midfielder of recent
buttons we have left in the coffers. times and his unrealistically fat posterior, as well as their
goalie who cycles to games and keeps his protective
Ass United fans we don’t feel like that. We still believe we headgear on during games, it is easy to let your hatred
can win the record breaking 19th title this season, and we grow. I will never forget Drogba’s limp wristed slap aimed
also know that we are supporting the BEST club in the at Vidic in Moscow. Had he managed to stop himself from
WORLD. So just to accentuate that thought, let’s have a behaving like a 9-year-old
old girl, Tiny Tears would never
look at what it might be like
e to support any of our Premier have
e had to step up and miss his penalty. Karma.
League rivals…
TOTTENHAM – Greatest team of the 60s, first English team
ARSENAL – Quite apart from the fact that you wouldn’t to win the league and cup double; remember Gary
have had much to celebrate over the last five years, those Lineker? Blah blah blah. No measurable achievements in a
Gooners must shake their funny shaped heads in dismay very long time, except for qualifying for the Champions
Ch
as Arsene stays away from the transfer market.
ket. Instead of League. When you take away the cash injection that this
buying normal players, he seeks out “rough diamonds” provides, it is a sad way for supporters to claim something
fresh from their mother’s breasts and prefers to shape to celebrate. Spurs fans can look back with joy on 2009-10
2009
them into Premier League winners. Well, a team that looks when they finally realised their dreams and
like they could win the Premier League until it gets really finished……fourth. Crap.
cold, and then they fall apart like a bookshelf from Ikea.
LIVERPOOL – Ignoring all the jibes about their supporters
MAN CITY – Where to start? Nothing in the trophy cabinet being bin-dipping
dipping hubcap thieves who enjoy nothing more
for nearly 35 years. 21 years of casting jealous glances at than walking past the job centre and straight to the post
United fans celebrating success after success. More office, there are two things that annoy me more than
recently though it has been worse than that.
t. City fans anything else. The first is the perceived
per idea that Liverpool
have had to drive from Stockport knowing that all they fans are “proper footballs fans” – some sections of the
have to look forward to is cheering on such hateful media even call them the most knowledgeable., almost as
bastards as De Jong, Lescott, anything called Toure and the if they have some kind of higher level of understanding of
half-man, half-money-grabbing
grabbing kettlenecked whore. Then, the game. I have four words that completely disproves this
whenever they come up
p against a team higher than tenth theory – ‘In Rafa we trust’. The second thing is their
in the league, they have to adopt a siege mentality and standard reply to any passionate debate about football –
line up in the newly monikered “Mancini la coward” “Five European Cups, mate”. Ignoring their 2005 triumph
formation of 9-0-1. when the Milanese pensioners were just too tired for the
second half, their other four victories were won by passing at St James Park and made the kind of decisions that Sepp
the ball back to the goalkeeper with a metronomic Blatter would be proud of. Although
Althoug he did reverse roles
regularity – thereby boring the opposition into submission. on the Scousers recently by selling them a ridiculously
overpriced piece of crap that was broken when they
SUNDERLAND – Apart from supporting a club on the bought it.
border of the Arctic circle, it wouldn’t be THAT bad as a
Sunderland
nd fan. Until you get to their nickname – The BLACKBURN ROVERS – Crap stadium, rubbish kit, hardly
Black Cats. What a load of shit. any fans and paying money to Benjani under the pretence
that he
e is a footballer. The only good thing they have done
BOLTON – A club that has started to play better football in many years is sending the horrific El Hadji Diouf to
under the increasingly impressive Owen Coyle. They have Rangers so that the Celtic fans have even more reason to
a relatively new, if horribly ugly, stadium. Not too bad you apply some violence to him. Now being run by the owners
might
ght think. But who is their “celebrity” fan? – Vernon of a company that “manufactures nutritional
n health
Kay. That long, lanky streak of piss off Family Fortunes. All products for humans” whose chairman introduced herself
teeth and text messages, very little talent. to the British media by saying “I don’t know a thing about
football”. A bit like Mike Ashley then.
STOKE CITY – Wouldn’t it be great to support the Potters?
Sat in that fervent and passionate crowd
owd as your team of FULHAM – Rubbish. Just a rubbish club in a ridiculous
cast-offs
offs and rejects punch above their weight. Imagine stadium with no more ambition than to try really hard
their glee as they spend another season in the Premier against United once a season and then allow themselves
League. Then imagine sitting there every other week to lose at home against teams like Wigan. They should
watching a curious mixture of American football and rugby voluntarily relegate themselves to League One with
as a team of strapping
rapping lads force themselves up by the immediate effect.
pitch just so they can get their ‘quarterback’ in position to
launch one of his freakish throw-ins.
ins. The pure excitement, EVERTON – See Liverpool – but without the trophies.
punctuated by the towel holding ball boy preparing the
weapon for Delap, as he waddles towards his mark. ASTON VILLA – The original claimants to the “we are a

Actually, not that exciting after all. sleeping giant” tag. They are more a sleepy giant that
accidentally took too much Ketamine and is forever in a
NEWCASTLE UNITED – A club lucky enough to have the state of transient slumber. It could have all been so
self-proclaimed
proclaimed “best supporters in the world”. Quite how different if Randy Lerner hadn’t entrusted
entru Martin O’Neill
they came to crown themselves with this title is open to with all of his spare cash. The tenacious chap then spent
question; I can only assume it is down to the ridiculously huge amounts of money on overpriced players just so he
fat gentlemen that show their love for the barcodes by could play them out of position, or in the case of Steve
standing topless at each home game. If this is what Sidwell – not at all. So out goes O’Neill and in comes
qualifies for great support, then they are welcome to it. Houllier, thereby
hereby guaranteeing themselves another season
The best thing about Newcastle is their genius chairman, of midtable mediocrity.
Mike Ashley. Almost as much of a limelight-seeking
seeking walrus
as Michael Knighton, he decided to buy himself a football BLACKPOOL – Their only redeeming factor is the hilarious

club for no particular reason at all. He then sat in his office and clearly mental Ian Holloway. The best way to describe
the town is to use a quote from the man himself, “I love Hammers, in the days when Fat Arse was running their
Blackpool, we’re
re very similar. We both look better in the midfield. What a vile and hate--filled group of supporters
dark”. they have. Their current plight is made all the more
enjoyable as the nasty peddlers of butt plugs and anal lube
BIRMINGHAM – A difficult place to go apparently. Teams had returned to their “boyhood club” and made the
don’t look forward to going to St Andews. I am not appointment of Baron Greenback-lookalike
Greenback Average Grant
surprised, it’s a shithole. Boring team with some . Hopefully the blindingly
ly useless Grant will deliver Gold
horrendous individuals like Lee Bowyer and Barry and Sullivan to the promised land of the Championship
Ferguson, they have used the money from Carson Yeung and then Karen Brady will bugger off out of it as well.
very shrewdly, buying players of the ilk of Zigic, a striker so
tall that he has his own weather system. Sadly he also has So there you are. Clearly Manchester United are the
a first touch so heavy that when he controls a ball it quite greatest football team.
often ends up in the
he Holte End… at Villa Park… 2.4 miles
away.

WEST BROM – The Hawthorns is the highest stadium of all


92 English league clubs. They also have a charming chant
that goes “Boing Boing”. It must be something to do with
the thin air affecting their ability to process information.
Like their chant, the Baggies go boinging backwards and
forwards between the Championship and Premier League,
but their happy, remedial fans don’t seem to care either
way.

WIGAN – On top of everything else that they have to


contend with,
h, their chairman decides to name the stadium
after himself. Then again, if DW hadn’t ploughed all the
money he fleeced from fans during his price fixing days
into the club, then they would surely be looking forward
to a fixture against the Red Lion Reserves
es in the Lancashire
Sunday League Division 5. Awful club.

WOLVES – How can you explain a team that can beat


United, Liverpool, Chelsea and Man City, yet still occupy
19th place in the table? Actually who cares? Kevin “Rod
Stewart” Doyle can reflect on the
e day his goal beat United
on the team coach next season as they head for a league
game against Scunthorpe.

WEST HAM – I have actually been to watch the happy


Rooney scores a lucky shiner

17th February 2011

There was a game played on Saturday morning that was


supposed to define the footballing power in Manchester.
Our noisy neighbours were coming and with them they
were bringing the hopes of the
e entire town of Stockport.
Despite the fact that Manicini had played his fabled 9-0-1
9
formation at Wastelands in the corresponding fixture,
there was still a belief from many that the bitter blues
would come and put a spoke in the wheel of the Premier
League leaders.

I watched the game with my 8-month-old


old son, who is I had to pause the game and call my other two boys and
already on a tactically different level to Mancini, and even my cats in to come and watch the replays. The
despite what that fat old duffer Mike Summerbee might monumental finish was great, but for me the best part was
have said after the game we both enjoyed a pretty much the bench celebrating as if they had just won the bingo.
worry free afternoon. There was a brief moment of Immense. I only have one more comment on this game – if
concern when that multi-million
million pound hitman Edin Dezko anyone who has since called the goal “a shinner” or
skewed a shot that was going nearer to the Gwladys road “lucky” or “over rated” then I am afraid you are either
end than the goal, only for David (Silva) Mitchell
Mitch to blind or blind.
inadvertently deflect it in. I still believed that we would
win even when the mercenaries appeared to be showing So, three more points in the bank and I waited for those

the early signs of a possible tendency to have an world-beaters


beaters Wolves to hand Arsenal a lesson with a

inclination to maybe attack, but I thought it would need disciplined and hard working performance. Except they

the introduction of Chicharito


o or even that nice little didn’t. They instead chose to play like my old Sunday

Michael Owen. By now baby was asleep, probably bored league team, chasing shadows and leaving huge gaps that

of the awful football being served up by Citeh, and I was even Theo Walcott couldn’t fail to exploit. Dobbin Van

stood up in the lounge (I am a very animated and hyper-


hyper Horsie got the goals meaning that the media get to talk up

tense viewer). I will admit that when Sky showed that nice his vital importance to the Arsenal challenge, some of
Michael
ael Owen warming up I was encouraging Sir Alex to them even throwing about “The Phrase”… World Class.

get the veteran goal getter on the pitch, especially as What a load of old shit. In my opinion there are very few

Berbatov played a pass into Rooney which spun off his world class players around, if there was loads of them

shin. Less than 15 seconds later I was stood open mouthed then the phrase would have to be altered and maybe a
and wide eyed in absolute disbelief as the previously new better “class” created for the few unique players that

leaden footed Rooney had just scored the best goal I have take your breath away. Too often players are
a called

seen since his volley against Newcastle. “legends” nowadays anyway; when the likes of Wilshere
are being tagged with it then it makes a mockery of
players like Best, Law and Charlton. How can a young
player who has made less than 50 first team appearances
be a legend of any kind? Dobbin though has been around with his system just to include the out of form
perpetually overrated by the media as the man who can striker. The love struck young lady looked out of sorts and
make a difference for the Gunners. That is of course when seems to have
ve lost his touch completely resulting in
he is not on the treatment table, suffering from a ruptured Ancelotti pulling him off in the second half, an act that
eyebrow or a badly twisted bootlace. Dobbin is more of a may seem slightly outside Carlo’s remit, but if it helps him
threat to medical insurance companies than he is to the feel like part of the team then a hand job well done. Cech
engravers of the Premier League trophy. saved a last minute penalty that keeps
kee their title hopes
still marginally alive and the goalkeeper was so emotional
Poor old Mrs Dalglish has seen a reversal of fortunes over he went to his post-game
game interview with his cycling helmet
the weekend. After the elderly lady spent millions of still on, or perhaps he was about to jump on his BMX and
pounds on a striker more likely to eat the goal netting get out of the Cottage before Ancelotti tried pulling him
than put the ball in it and a striker that will quite possibly off too.
cost more in bail money than he has done in transfer fees,
it seemed that Liverpool’s stock was rising. They had
picked up a few points and of course the poor scousers
were getting excited aboutt the top four, but they had
reckoned without the force of Wigan, and even though
Gnashers Suarez showed some fleeting signs of promise
they stumbled to a 1-1 draw.

And what of their neighbours on Merseyshite? The poor


old Evertonians are on a downward spiral
ral and could well
be sucked into the relegation battle as the season presses
on. It would be hard to imagine West Brom and West Ham
surviving after their 3-3
3 draw, notable for the fact that a
very big bee stung poor Carlton Cole on the lip. The
defending was so poor it was as if Wenger had coached
both teams. Average Grant has now completely given up
the last semblance of management and this week’s guest
motivational speaker in the Hammers changing room was
Scott Parker. That must have been some dynamic talk.
ta It
was so good that the man it empowered most was Demba
Ba; clearly he couldn’t understand a word of it and
decided to do his own thing instead.

The final act of the weekend (albeit on a Monday) was


Chelsea travelling to the Cottage. Poor old Ancelotti
Ancelott is still
trying to fit Torres in, although I understand Torres has
had no trouble fitting Cashley Hole in, and so he is messing
Worlds Bestest Great Legendary Genuis player stakes. Jack Wilshere took his crown and Dobbin
van Horsie was installed as the new No 2. Gooners all over
23rd February 2011
the country (well, London) rejoiced as it was now clear
It has been a funny week for Monsieur Wenger. A week that Arsene had been plotting this for years; he told them
ago his team of lovely boys somehow beat Barcelona. The that his boys would one day be rampant and his prophecy
Catalans arrived at the Emirates
es as the “greatest team the had been fulfilled. Talksport was jammed by delirious
world has ever seen”. They brought with them the Gooners laying claim to all four trophies, with the “world
mercurial Lionel Messi, who despite scoring more than a class” Wilshere driving them on. “If we can just keep Van
goal a game this season was only considered to be the Horsie fit” was their watch word. Good fucking luck with
second best player in the world by the UK media. Having that one. Dobbin is already injured, suffering from a
said that, he
e was behind the wonderous Gareth Bale, the detached eyelid after a particularly heavy nights sleep.
man who starred in “Planet of the Apes” and has this
season set world football alight… after he managed to As quickly as they were heralded, they were rumbled. On

escape from Rafael da Silva’s back pocket. Bale has not the following Saturday they made the short trip to

only scored a hat trick, in a game Spurs lost, he has also Brisbane road, home of Leyton Orient, for what should

found a cure for AIDS, halted third world famine and cut have been a simple game. Ghekko man made the

Jedwards quiff. customary changes and sent his lovely boys out to secure a
quarter-final
final berth. But hold on a minute, this wasn’t like
Despite giving Arsenal the kind of battering that would the midweek game. They weren’t playing
play a team of
terrify a cod, Barca only managed to head off at half time diminutive hispanics, knocking the ball around in pretty
with a 1-goal
goal lead. As the game wore on, the master triangles with perfectly gelled hair. This was a proper
tactician and ghekko lookalike game at an intimidating little ground and the opposition
were employing a strategy that the lovely boys hadn’t
seen in mid-week tackling.
ackling. Although Arsenal took the lead,
they never looked comfortable and worryingly Orient
snatched a late equaliser. Worrying because the winner
travels to Old Trafford in the next round and on recent
form Orient might prove more of a concern against United
Un
than Arsenal given the battle royale against Crawley.

Lucky old Liverpool had the weekend off. For some reason
they haven’t had a Champions League fixture either during
the past week. To fill his spare time between consulting
his office furniture, Kenneth
neth took Andy Carroll out for the
night. Where better to take Ladyboy’s replacement than a
Arsene Wenger began to weave his magic. His lovely boys Boyzone concert? In an attempt to encourage some striker
somehow contrived to win the game 2-1
1 and send the bonding, Kenneth also invited Suarez, but the toothy
media into overdrive. World order in football had been South American was unable to get his vast gnashers into
int
redressed. Arsenal were now the best team in the world Kenny’s car. Strange choice of concert you might think, it
and Mr Bale had been relegated down to third in the was actually Carroll’s. He had some specially adapted
lyrics for hatstand Kenny: Twats of the week

rd
“Don’t love me for fun Ken, Let me be the one Ken, Love 3 March 2011
me for the season, Let this season be love.” I would like to start by saying a very big thank you to
Ashley Cole, Joe Cole, Manchester City, Arsene Wenger,
Jack Wilshere, Wockface
ockface Chestnut (Arsenal Goalie), Alan
Huge drama enveloped Tottenham’s first game in the
Brazil (talkSPORT) and Dave Whelan. Collectively your
knockout stages of the Champions League. Spurs were
stupidity, naivety and uselessness has made it very easy to
expected to get thrashed as the “one man” in their one-
write this week’s blog.
man team was left at home,
me, to forage for nuts and berries.
With the exception of Jose’s Inter, the Italian teams have
been poo in Europe for a while, and Spurs deservedly ran
out 1-0
0 winners. The excitement though was all generated
by Gattuso. The hairy midget was already getting
gettin a bit
giddy when he decided he should “put the frighteners” on
Joe Jordan. Sadly the only other person to attempt this
was Joe’s dentist and look at how that panned out.
Gattuso is a fairy character who sometimes lets his
aggresion spill over, but surely even he should have
thought twice before “headbutting” a senior citizen.
Transpose that scene onto the streets and you have
a tattooed ASBO-wielding
wielding benefit cheat assaulting a
pensioner, guilty only of shouting his mouth off while
under the influence. San Siro and Merseyside, not that
different after all.

We have to start with Cashley Hole, quite possibly the


stupidest man alive. If you ignore all of the ridiculous
things he has done over the last few years then you would
be astounded by his most recent act of “Ashleyness”. But
we can’t ignore them because reviewing them is too much
fun. Start with “Wagegate”, poor old Ashley was
innocently
nnocently driving his beaten up old Nissan home after
another day of hard graft, working 12-hour
12 shifts at the
factory when he found out his wages weren’t going up by
much. He realised he wouldn’t have enough money to
feed his children and pay the bills, and
a in absolute
desperation he considered selling one of his kidneys to the
local Iranian doctor. Oh no, my mistake. He was cruising
home in his luxurious car after kicking a ball for a few sounded a bit like hard work, better take something in to
hours when his agent informed him that his wages were pass the time? Had he also got some paper targets for the
ONLY going up to £55,000 per week. Poor little mite nearly boys to aim at? Or were they going to use empty Lucozade
crashed his car in disgust, imagine that? Only earning bottles?. Maybe they have a problem with vermin at their
£200,000 per month. Quite rightly the sinned-against
sinned training ground? Not John Terry, actual vermin.
vermi Maybe
bottom botherer instantly demanded a transfer from the Cashley bought his gun in to protect Fernando Torres from
club that had given him his big break in top level
le football. a scouse stalker that has recently started hanging around
The tight fisted bastards. I will skirt over the national outside training. Poor Fernando shrieks “Carra” and flees,
lottery fiasco as I am not a talented enough writer to find and the Chelsea boys are left to pick up the pieces. Either
the correct words to describe the levels of scorn that the way, it would
d seem that taking an air rifle into training is
event deserved. I will instead use my level of vocabulary as inappropriate as taking a giraffe to a housewarming
and say that the photo-shoot
shoot made him look like a party in a bungalow. Carlo cleared it all up by saying that
twathouse of the highest order. he was cross. I think that was what he was saying, but it
was difficult not to keep watching his dodgy eyebrow that
However, he somehow managed to get Cheryl Tweedy of is still trying to sneak off the top of his head. Cashley Cole
Girls Aloud to marry him, probably by using his wage – twat No 1 of the week.
increase from Chelsea to purchase industrial strength
Rohypnol from which she
he has finally developed immunity. Next accolades go to the entire Arsenal team. I will begin
Not content with being married to one of the most desired with the club spokesman who said that WHEN they won
women in the UK, Cashley went to his local Phones 4 U the trophy Fabregas would lift it as he is club captain. Even
and got himself one of those fancy camera phones. Not for though he wasn’t playing in the game because he was
Ashley the banter of spending time with his team mates,
ma having his Barca shirt fitted and choosing his number. In
he preferred to take pictures of his tail and send it to pikey the process of making this statement the spokeswanker
hairdressing types, swapping a night of smokescreening subliminally told the Birmingham team that Arsenal had
cuddles for a bottle of rose wine. Eventually the journalists completely
ly discounted the possibility that the Blues could
discovered the story and poor old Cashley was exposed, win. Big Eck’s team talk was written and thus the gritty
literally, thus ending his marriage to Cheryl. You should be blues went on to win the cup with the help of Wockface
picking up a theme by now; this lad isn’t going to trouble Chestnut and that defender whose name I can’t even be
any IQ testers. bothered to Google. The great thing about
abo Arsenal losing
is that it causes upset to Wockface and the increasingly
Most recently though, Cashley has outdone even his annoying Wilshere. Wockface was the man who
previous “moments” by taking an air rifle into training and demonstrated his Cashley-like
like stupidity by tweeting “is it a
shooting an innocent youth.
h. Admittedly, this does sound plane? Is it an aeroplane?” when any normal person
like the kind of thing that he would do, being a remedial, would have realised that the first question made the
but when you look at it in a bit more detail it is second question redundant. No one would tweet “Is it a
astounding. Cashley leaves home for training, with a car? Is it a motorcar?” apart from Robbie Savage maybe.
firearm in his car (not the Nissan) for what possible Of course Wockface has also questioned the integrity of
reason? A footballers life is easy enough as it is; kick a ball referees on Twitter, but was exempt from punishment as
around, buy some gold, eat caviar, PlayStation, he represents
resents a club from London. Jack is a very promising
champagne, bedtime. Did Cashley think that training
player and was recently crowned World Player of the rang into the radio show demanding outrageous
Millennium by the tabloid journalists, but is becoming a punishments from a 17-game
game ban to castration to frontal
bit of a twathouse as well. Ignoring his semi--naked picture lobotomy, and old Alan encouraged them and incited
while asleep, which is something Wenger
enger demands as part them to ring and air their nonsense. Sadly all he achieved
of his image rights, he has also questioned referees on by doing this was to expose his lack of sobriety, and my
Twitter. But after the cup final defeat he made a comment favourite comment was when he asked one caller why
about Barry Ferguson “thanking” the Arsenal defender Wayne had done it and he suggested to said caller “do you
following the goal. Seems a bit cowardice really, why not think there was any afters previously?” I was just waiting
take Barryy to task after the goal or even after the game? for him to ask “is it a plane? Is it an aeroplane?” You can
It’s not as if he would be hard to find, he was probably add Dave Whelan into this category as well. A man that
mixing some mouthwash and aftershave to make a has sold shitty trainers for a living bought a club that
volatile cocktail of high proof alcohol in the girls toilets. everyone is indifferent to and then named the stadium
Wockface, Jack and Arsene – joint twats off the week. after himself. DW said that the FA was scared of United
and Rooney and that is why there was no frontal
I think I have mentioned previously that Steven Gerrard lobotomy booked. FA scared of United? Rio ban? Cantona
proclaimed Joe Cole to be a better player than Lionel ban? Reasonable
nable actions? DW and Balloon head Brazil –
Messi. While although that sounds a bit misplaced now twats of the week.
given that Joe has spent the entire season proving that he
is a one-trick
trick pony with a trick missing, Joe did get to start Finally a mention for Manchester City – the last time they
their recent Sunday league pub team European reject won a trophy (playoff final excepted) I was merely in
match against Prague Plumbers’ second eleven. Given the utero. They have now spent 17 trillion pounds and yet
chance (again) to launch his Liverpool career, Joe did what they still can’t fill theirr stadium (even when it is free to get
comes naturally to him, he fucked it up. I didn’t see all of in) and they have a team of mercenaries and overpriced
the game as there was some paint drying that I wanted to journeymen. But they are still the pride of Stockport.
watch instead, but I did switch on as Joe burst through on
goal. Luckily the half-witted pony contrived
d to put the ball
wide when even Dirk “Sloth” Kuyt would surely have
scored. Another Cole – twat of the week.

Next up is Alan Brazil. For those of you fortunate enough


not to listen to talkSPORT, Alan is an ex-footballer
footballer who
had to retire due to being a booze-riddled
riddled modern day
Dobbin Van Horsie. He drank more than he played and has
somehow ended up on a breakfast show talking about
sport, a subject he can barely decipher through his
drunken haze but he has managed to lead an almighty
witch hunt against young
ng Wayne Rooney. As we saw
against Wigan, Wayne was assaulted by James McCartney,
the Wigan player viscously banging his head into Wayne’s
elbow, yet Wayne got the blame. Thousands of callers
Suarez.. what a girl them, like a 13-year-old
old girl. What an absolute bummer.
Not that this is the first time he has been guilty of such
10th March 2011
cowardly assaults. In November, Suarez put his super-
super
sized gnashers to use, biting PSV
PS midfielder Otman Bakkal
on the shoulder. For this act of teenage girl petulance he
received a 7-match
match ban and the nickname “Cannibal of
Ajax”. However, there is an explanation of sorts for his
outrageous behaviour, it is understood that Suarez already
knew
ew he was going to be sold to Liverpool to replace Mrs
Torres who was going to be the plaything of Cashley Hole
at Chelsea. Having done his homework on his new team
mates, he realised that Carragher was going to be missing
a very special someone after the transfer window and so
was merely trying his hand at “tough love” foreplay.
Commendable. I don’t even need to mention his handball
that denied Ghana the progress they deserved in the
World Cup. Maybe it was reactionary and maybe lots of
players would have done the same thing, but I am sure
In amongst the aftermath of the “Big Game” on Sunday, a many of them wouldn’t have celebrated in the way that he
Liverpool
iverpool fan tweeted me. Strange I thought, this chap did. There was something very sinister about the whole
didn’t tweet me when we beat them in the previous two event, and I was pleased when the super-tusked
super cheat was
games, but I engaged him nonetheless. It seems he had ousted from the World Cup. So, a hair-pulling,
hair biting
been made aware of my 7Cantona’s feature, although he cheater – should fit right in on Merseyside.
did say he was “looking forward to my match
tch report on
Monday”. So he wasn’t 100% accurate. I informed him His hair-pulling
pulling antics made me think about some other
that my feature was actually a totally unbiased article half-arsed
arsed attempts at harming opponents. I will never
which was a musing on the week’s events in the world of forget the day that Drogba effectively lost his team the
football. He said that he hoped I would mention the Champion’s League with the gayest slap of all time. Into
brilliance of Suarez, and also muse about the “Fat Granny injury time, Drogba, who had played like a washing
Shagger”. So I will. machine, finally lost his rag and hit out at Vidic. Hit out is
actually a generous description; it was more of a
Luis Suarez played very well, and I was bitterly playground slap, but it was enough to get him sent off. As
disappointed in the summer when United didn’t make any the greasy-locked Ivorian trudged off the pitch so did
effort to try and recruit him. Watching him in the World Chelsea’s chances in the penalty shootout. Had Drogba
Cup he clearly is a quality player who could
ld well prove to been on the pitch Terry would not have been the vital fifth
be a fantastic asset to Liverpool. But that’s not all there is taker and his leaden feet would have been excused the
to say about him. Following the melee that broke out after chance to score the winning penalty. Then Anelka would
wo
Rafael’s accidental foul on Maxi, that dirty tombstone-
tombstone have been excused the terrible burden of having to walk a
toothed weasel actually pulled Da Silva’s hair. He reached short distance and kick a football 12 yards towards a great
across
oss and took a handful of Rafa’s curly locks and pulled
big goal. I always thought that in that position, having days at United sporadic spells of goals clearly correlated
correlate
made his mind up to do something to Vidic, then surely with some time spent at home with Mrs Rooney, but then
you might as well give him a proper twatting and earn the as away games and her work at Asda separated them he
inevitable red card. At least then you would feel like you was lacking the impetus to score. Last season, Wayne was
had been justifiably dismissed, but then if he had I cannot “allegedly” friends with two young ladies and he was a
begin to think about the way Vidic would have dealt with goal machine. Until he was “allegedly”
“allege caught and
it. They would probably still have vodka-add
addled probably made to sleep on the sofa. Now he can’t score
Muscovites searching for bits of Didier in the Moska River. anywhere. So the answer is quite clear, Wayne needs to
be a bit lighter before he goes out on the pitch. But how
So, as requested, I am going to mention Rooney. The man can this be achieved? Obviously we can’t advocate any
that looked like he was going to single-handedly
handedly win extramarital activities
ities and I think even a friendly hand
United the League and Champions League last season until shandy would be out of the question. However a quick
his untimely injury practically
ically ended his season. Then, of internet search reveals the answer – milking the prostrate,
course, there was all that unpleasant business in South this simple activity would enable Wayne to get out on the
Africa where Rooney was doing his best impression of pitch at his ideal fighting weight and he would
woul once again
Emile Heskey, with the first touch of a pelican and the be terrorising defences all over Europe. It’s a shame then
movement of a double garage. Wayne returned to Old that Mrs Torres tootled down to London, this would have
Trafford,
rd, but was clearly still unfit and unhappy. Then he been a great job for him.
asked to leave, then changed his mind, and all the while
he was still being Emile. With the exception of his wonder In other news, Jamie Carragher has been typically
goal against Citeh, he has been rubbish this season and apologetic after yet another tackle that wouldn’t look
lo out
although I originally thought that
hat it was the absence of of place in Karate Kid 2. The scouser, who has always had
Antonio Valencia that was lacking, I have finally figured it allowances made for him on account of his mental
out. If you look back through his career you can quickly handicap, attempted to cut Nani in half for fire wood at
figure out a pattern. When Wayne was breaking all the the weekend. Despite the completely unnecessary knee-
knee
scoring records in the Everton youth team he was courting high lunge it was deemed that it was perfectly acceptable,
Coleen and they were teenagers, in Liverpool, in love. mainly because he isn’t Wayne Rooney. Luckily talking
Wayne scored a few when he broke into the first team, about the tackle gave the BBC another chance (or nine) to
but then had a barren patch. He came to United and show the Rooney “coming together” against Wigan, so it
although his overall play and commitment was superb he wasn’t an entirely wasted event.
scored goals in fits and starts until lastt season. 2009-2010
2009
was his season, scoring goals from all angles and looking Also, your friend and mine, Kolo
olo Toure had a

like he was going to break Ronaldo’s 42-goal


goal record. Then misadventure. The poor lad accidentally took one of Mrs

it went wrong. So what is the catalyst? What is wrong Toure’s slimming tablets which seemingly contained a

now? Quite simply, Wayne is carrying a bit too much banned substance. I have a bit of sympathy for Colon, how

weight, only a few grams… in his testicles. else was he supposed to get the full effect of his afternoon
without taking
ng them? He was already wearing her
As a youth teamer, Wayne was banging the goals in and underwear and was just about to start applying the
banging something else, until he got caught with the makeup and Mrs Toure always has her slimming tablet just
elderly ladies. Then he hit a bad patch of form. In his early before she puts her lippy on. Wouldn’t be right without
them. It will be interesting to see what the magnificently
magnificent Aldrige invades twitter
consistent FA makes of this though. I would imagine the
16th March 2011
disciplinary committee will get together and send him a
few Weight Watchers ready meals, poor old Colon. Maybe The one thing that sets football apart from other sports is
Rio should have told them he missed his drugs test rivalry, or as some fans of other sports would call it,
because he couldn’t find his girlfriend’s
iend’s tablets. tribalism. In Rugby Union, both sets of fans mingle before
and
d after the game and have some light-hearted
light semi-
banter. I live near Worcester and I happen to know that
Worcester Warriors aren’t that fond of Gloucester Fans; in
fact they think that their near neighbours are a bit simple
and a bit thuggish. Nonetheless when the two teams play
each other there is still a generally good feeling around
the ground, a few pints drunk and a jolly good game of
rugger enjoyed.

In Rugby league fans from all clubs converge on the


Challenge Cup Final regardless of who is playing. Fans from
all clubs sit in harmony and enjoy the spectacle because to
them it is the finale of their season and they enjoy the day
out. In cricket I don’t think there is any kind of rivalry,
mainly because no-one
one ever goes to watch anything apart
from 20-20
0 and then they don’t really understand the
game, but the bar is open and the sun is (occasionally)
shining.

Then we come to football. I am absolutely not condoning


any kind of violence whatsoever, but the best thing about
football is rivalry. When Liverpool
Liverpo were dangling
precariously near the foot of the table under Agent Woy I
hoped that they wouldn’t end up being relegated because
what would be the point if you couldn’t spend at least two
weeks of the season building up to play the dirty hub cap
stealing,, bin dipping, giro collecting, shell suited job
clubbers. We may have been beaten by the church roof
lead stealers a couple of weeks ago, but that was their
biggest game of the season and they can now ease off
toward the end of the campaign safe in the knowledge
kn
that they have achieved their season’s ambitions. Well
done Pool. Luckily though we had the chance to avenge
that defeat just a week later in the FA Youth Cup, so all
was not lost.

I am very saddened and ashamed to say that I had to


record the game from LFCTV because it is free, not a lot of
point in making it subscription TV though unless they were
prepared to accept hubcaps and ring pulls from Stella Cans
as payment. I am also ashamed to say I haven’t watched
the whole game yet; I have to limit myself
self to 10 minute
spells before my ears start to bleed and I need total
silence for 9 hours to allow them to heal. However as you
will all know the United youth staged a fantastic
comeback to beat the mini dippers with Morrison and
Tunnicliffe in starring roles. The beast Pogba was
As we all know, since John retired from football he had a
ridiculously dismissed for collecting a second yellow card
go at being a manager for a while but resigned when he
for removing a shopping trolley from the pitch. Once the
realised that he was in fact far too stupid to have a job and
game was over the vitriol started to flow from the toxic
ever since has carved a new profession out for himself; he
wasteland of Merseyshite, it mainly centred on those
is employed by Sky TV to be a professional
pr lurker. As part
nasty
ty bigger boys from up the road being all mean and
of this deal he has to spend 24 hours a day skulking in the
physical and it wasn’t fair. They must mean those gigantic
shadows of the council house “just in case” anything
units Larnell Cole or Jesse Lingard who were wading in
remotely Liverpool-related
related happens, he can then spring
with elbows flying and studs exposed in an apocalyptic
into action and impart some of that famous scouse wit
fashion. The mini dippers reminded me
e of an incident
and knowledge
wledge interspersed with a lot of words that no-
no
from my distant youth. I was at a fight when a disco broke
one outside the toxic exclusion zone can understand. Poor
out, my tallest friend, ironically nicknamed Rocky, was
old John has recently been introduced to Twitter and I
right behind me as I waded in to rescue one of my other
think he is finding it difficult judging by some of his tweets.
mates who was getting a bit of a beating. As the dust
My favourite sequence was when he tweeted “not a7
settled and fisticuffs
sticuffs turned to handshakes we looked
much as i enjoyed twating u last wk shuda been 5.1”
around for Rocky who was nowhere to be seen. A good
Which I have run through Google translator and comes out
ten minutes and two pints had passed before he
as “I was very pleased with our win last week”. But then
reappeared, from under the bar, muttering the now
the generously beaked scouser followed that up with
immortal phrase – “they were bigger boys”.
“another condoning it but needs English lessons” which
The most staggering event
nt was the appearance of a new was a response to some of the chants being sung during
Twitter legend, @realjohnaldo,, or as you and I might know the game. If I thought he would understand irony that
him best, the man who made history by being the first would have been Twitter magic; a man who can barely
player to miss a penalty in an FA Cup Final. type let alone construct a meaningful sentence was kindly
informing
nforming someone else they needed English lessons.
These tweets came just prior to “the poor man’s Ian
Rush” losing his Twitter rag, he then started issuing legal
threats to everyone. It was interesting to see that he has a
lawyer in Dublin and Cork and quite
uite possibly England too, wearing a sleeping bag, offered these thoughts after the
maybe a man who is often on the wrong end of “unjust” game: “now we will focus on the league” which is
actions. Scrolling through his tweets seeing him threaten insightful really as it’s all those useless fuckers have got
legal action on everyone (although he said please when left. Not much point focusing on the Champions League or
asking for home addresses) made me think of a wild FA Cup now Arsene.
animal thatt is being backed into a corner, aiming bites at
everyone around it, then I remembered that John is to all
intents and purposes a wild animal and has adapted to
this role since the inception of his lurking contract with
Sky Sports.

The game was preceded byy the senior squad compounding


Arsenal’s misery by dumping them out of their third cup
competition in two weeks. The lizard man had been
edging nearer and nearer to a meltdown before this game,
watching his lovely boys led by the brittle Dobbin Van
Horsie manage to throw away the Carling Cup and then
wave the white flag at the Camp Nou. During that
Champions League match Arsenal became the first team to
ever complete a match without having a single shot on
target. They actually turned up to try and defend a one
goal lead against the most attack-minded
minded team on the
planet – with the exception of Manchester City.
Shamefully, Lizard man abandoned all of his footballing
ethics and set his team up to try and keep a clean
sheet… against Lionel Messi. Rather than tryy and expose
the high line of defence that Barca play, Wenger chose to
play Dobbin as the focal point of his attack which is always
going to be a risk as he could rupture a hair follicle at any
time. The plan failed miserably, although had Bendtner
not been
n blessed with the touch of a water buffalo they
still might have snatched the tie in added time.

So to the FA Cup, and Sir Alex selected a team with 7


“defenders” in the starting line. Many thought the lord of
Manchester had been trialling Colon Toure’s “slimming

Pills” with this team seeming a bit odd, but again he
proved he had the beating of Arsenal. The twins playing
wide in midfield and Rooney operating as the creative
force was all too much for Arsenal. Wenger, who was
VALUE? In the transfer market defences as if they were a skirted reveller on a Saturday
night? Well no as it happens poor old Andy was injured
25th March 2011
when he signed for the dippers and so far his greatest
Alexander Chapman Ferguson told us in January 2010 that performance has been attending a Boyzone concert with
there was “no value” in the transfer market and ever since poor old Kenny Dogleash, King Kenny probably mistook
this statement our rivals have used this phrase and Carroll for a standard lamp given his previous dalliances
twisted it around to create their own angle. They crowed with furniture. In his 4 games so far the improbable
that Manchester
anchester United hadn’t got any money, that they England international has yet to trouble the scorers but at
were being forced to gamble on has beens and never will least he has given that nice Carragher chap a bit of eye
be’s and that this was the start of the terminal decline that candy to look at since his old love has departed to Chelsea.
would ultimately lead to United contesting only for the 4th Value – bugger off.
Champions league spot. Twelve months later, after Citeh
had tried their best to prove Sir Alex right, we saw the Fernando Torres – the long-time
me love of that kind spirited

prophecy fulfilled. The transfer window, sponsored by Carragher joined Chelsea in an act of dramatic martyrdom,

SKY, was lilting along in its usual boring way with odd leaving the club against his will so that they would have

looking presenters getting proud and erect at astounding the funds to pay the Cannibal of Amsterdam and the blood

loan moves between Scunthorpe and Tamworth when bottler (Read the BFG). Fernando has been a bit iffy for the

suddenly “no Value” crashed right through the 3D last 18 months, actually in all fairness he has been playing

televisions of Chelsea, Stockport and Merseyshite. More like a one legged pensioner who was accidentally wearing

than £100 million pounds was spent on three strikers, his reading glasses. But not to worry he was heading to

three players that have surely carved their way terrifyingly


terrif Chelsea for £50m and they have a great track record of

through Premier league defences raping and pillaging like buying quality strikers
kers and making them into Heskeys.

Norse men of old?? Let’s have a look; Actually it is likely that the yacht mad village idiot
personally hand picks the strikers while completely
Edin Dzeko – The striker was named Bosnian player of the disregarding logic. Chelsea has managed to ruin Crespo,
year in 2009 and 2010, a huge accolade to receive indeed Mutu, Kezman and Shevchenko over the past few seasons
and he beat a goat herder and shepherd to the title. Dzeko with nearly £100 million pounds pissed up the wall in the
signed for Citeh for £27.5 million pounds and became their process. Torres has started his Chelsea career like a
second most expensive player after Robinho. What an squirrel too, starting his tenure with a game against his old
impact he made. As we approach the end of March Dzeko employers Liverpool. Sadly for the feminine chap it didn’t
is yet to score a league goal, but he has scored 2 in the FA go well and has set the tone
e for the following games. As
Cup and 2 in the Europa second hand car shield. So far the we reach the end of March Torres has also yet to trouble
lanky dimwit has scored 4 goals at a cost of almost £7m the scorers but you can be sure he has had more success in
each. Value – No. wooing Cashley Hole and probably tiny tears who would
surely park himself in any seemingly unoccupied space.
Andy Carroll – the part time woman beater and full time Value – Are you fucking joking? He cost £50 million and
violent offender joined the bin dippers for a mind jolting hasn’t scored a goal. He has been outscored by a mentally
fee of £35 million pounds, making him the most expensive unstable Fellaini lookalike. £50m would probably build a
British footballer of all time and the 8th most expensive new hospital or help scientists research a cure for a
football player ever. Gosh. Surely he has been pummelling
terminal illness or keep Rooney in “friends” for a good 10 “discrepancies that might get committed and what the
years, but it hasn’t purchased a single goal for Chelsea. punishment would be for a United player or John Terry,
the archangel of Chelsea;
In summary £112.5m has generated 4 goals for these
scabby clubs and Sir Alex can rightly feel vilified by their
collective performances (all goal totals are correct at the
th
time of writing and probably unlikely to change in the near
future due to the fact that all these players are crap.)
Whisper this though, United signed an unheard of Mexican
last summer. His signing was ridiculed at the time by some
of our rivals. This young
oung chap cost £7m and has scored 16
goals for United this season. Value – like you couldn’t even
imagine.

The England team have been front page news for the last
Following a fracas in the middle of the pitch a player falls
few days as they gather up their collective national pride
to the ground clutching his face with a bloody nose.
and look forward to a clash againstt Wales. That lovely man
United Player – 6 year ban, removal of the offending
offend
John Terry has been re-instated
instated as England captain at the
hand by way of amputation.
expense of Rio Ferdinand and one has to agree it is the
JT – FA release statement proclaiming Terry as an
right decision. The FA are desperately trying to find a
excellent peacemaker and praise his
figurehead to lead the national team out of the wilderness
leadership
and
d Terry is obviously the right man. What a role model
After the game a player harasses the referee and in trying
this stout chap is, an adulterer with the moral fibre of Paul
to escape the referee falls and eventually passes away
Pot. A man who is so vile and hateful that were the nation
from his head Injury
to harness their collective negative energy toward him it
United player – burnt at the stake in Trafalgar square
would probably provide enough power to melt the
while the London based Media chant and
remaining polar ice caps.
dance round Nelsons Column. The event is

So he fits the bill well, the FA being quite possibly the sold to the BBC who despite failing to get

most ridiculous collection of people that have ever been an interview with Sir Alex still sends

grouped together since the editorial team at the Sun Hansen and Lawrenson to dissect the

Newspaper when Piers Morgan was in charge.


arge. Their performance.

continual over punishing of Manchester United has led to JT – FA praise his passion and desire and label the

some of my 7 Cantonas colleagues suggesting that they referee “a bit clumsy”

are actually guilty of match fixing. I prefer to take the view A player speaks out after a defeat, blaming the “fixture
that they are so stupid and drunk on port that they don’t pile-up”

actually know
w what they are doing and their continual United player – is hunted and captured by the SAS and

lenience towards London based teams is not a calculated then water boarded until he reveals who

stance but a Nuero disability that they probably need else within the squad feels the same way.

medical help for. To illustrate my point I have picked a few They are then all transported to
Afghanistan and used as human shields on Gerrard’s done it again
the front line.
1st April 2011
JT – FA apologise for being so short-sighted
sighted and award
Chelsea the league title and a 4 week Thank the lord for Steve Gerrard. Without him what would
break to recuperate and avoid injury.
inju I ever write about?
A player makes an obscene gesture to the opposition fans,
a riot breaks out and sadly 14 Liverpool fans are injured in
the troubles
United player – is injected with dirty plutonium
directly into their eye live on ITV4 +1. The
player’s family and friendss are then made
to swim around the Mozambique coast
with bloody fish tied to their ankles, until
they are inevitably ripped apart by sharks.
JT is given the Victoria Cross, a Bugatti Veyron and the
freedom of London by the lord mayor to
show their gratitude
e for his help in
diffusing the situation.
So there is no value in the transfer market (unless you
managed to spot a Mexican genius while all your rivals
were busy getting a back, crack and sack in the summer). At the start of the season he told us that “Joe Cole is
better than Messi”. Weeks and weeks of hilarity followed
The FA sometimes favour the southern based clubs
cl (well as little “one trick” Cole did everything he could to prove
they generally favour anyone apart from United, so maybe his skipper wrong and fail to live up to Gerrard’s hype. So
the FA should be renamed the FAABU. far this season the Argentine Tom Thumb has managed
manag 45
goals in 42 games, while in comparison Joezinho Cole has
amassed 1 goal. I can’t tell you exactly how many games
he has played partly because I don’t care and partly
because it doesn’t matter. Unless he has only played 56
minutes of football his scoring
ing rate per game can’t be
higher than Messi’s. So it must be his assists that make
him the best player ever then? NO again. The mercurial
No.10 doesn’t have a single assist to his name in the
Premier League; even Edwin Van der Sar has 1 assist. In
fact, there
here are 248 players credited with a single assist. So
Cole isn’t better than Messi, and statistically he is at best
the 249th best player in the Premier League.

So after spending weeks hammering this nonsensical


uttering from the green cross code shy Scouser
Scou I was
beginning to grow concerned about what to address in the fairly anonymous player, plucked from the Mexican league
coming weeks. But fear not, the idiot escaped from the before his value rocketed at the World Cup in South Africa.
press department’s clutches and found himself a platform He has quickly become a huge fans favourite with his
again, so he could tell us that Suarez and Carroll are “the prayers before the game, his incredible movement and
an his
most feared strike
e force in the league”. And he is RIGHT. deadly predatory instinct. He has already plundered 10
Tell me one centre back who is going to want to be bitten league goals this season, which makes him the top scoring
by the Cannibal of Amsterdam or chased around the pitch Premier League debutant.
by “the blood bottler” clutching a Boyzone CD and an
industrial sized flagon of Newcastle Brown Ale. In terms of FEARSOME RATING – As scary as losing one of your limbs
how scary they are, we should really measure them on a cross desert trek, then being pursued by a mixed gang
gan

against some other strikers in the league to see if the of leopards, cheetahs and lions. Just when you think you

Southport slugger is right: have outrun them your other ankle dissolves due to a
mixture of heat and sweat and you find yourself stumping
Dimitar Berbatov – the silky Bulgarian recently brought a towards a dead end.
Boeing 737 down from the sky with one touch, pirouetted
piroue
and then delivered it directly to Schiphol airport runway So there is a pretty fearsome strike force at United for the

3… without looking. This season he is the Premier League’s Sabre Toothed Suarez and the binge drinking dimwit to
top goal scorer with 20 strikes. He has hit three hat tricks contend with. Not only that, you also have the perpetually
and 3 assists so far. greasy haired Drogba and his partner Anelka. You could
even throw Dobbin Van Horsie and Andrei Arse-sharing
Arse
FEARSOME RATING – as scary as being given a pair of into the mix. They have 115 strikers at Citeh
C that could
yellow gloves and a dustpan and brush and being sent to manage a goal or two, and I think even those boys at Villa
clean up the Fukashima Nuclear plant on your own. will prove to be more effective, until they slide out of the
Premier League with a very quiet whimper. Poor old Stevie
Wayne Rooney – Wazza, as he is stupidly known, has had a has done it again, I would imagine the scousers will now
mixed season. He temporarily lost his form, had an alleged try and
nd keep him away from microphones for fear of
foray into the dark world of prostitution
stitution and asked to another ridiculous batch of mouth dung escaping, but
leave the Mighty United. However, throughout his career what might he treat us to if he escapes again:
he has been a devastating attacking force both with goals
and assists. Last season he hit 34 goals before he lost the Dirk Kuyt is the best looking player in Europe?
plot, and this season he hit possibly the most goose bump-
bump Reina has the best hairstyle of the whole Spanish
inducing
nducing goal I have seen for some time against the blue squad?
turds. Carragher
gher loves his wife and has never look at another
man/woman
FEARSOME RATING – As scary as being dipped in blood
and then dangled over the edge of a small fishing boat In other news, the armband-stealing,
stealing, penalty-missing
penalty
that is winding its way over to Shark Island at feeding crybaby finally got his own way and led the England team
time. out at Wembley again. Quite why the captaincy of a team
that really can’t be arsed to put in a decent shift is so
Javier Hernandez – The little
ittle pea was signed while still a
fascinating is beyond me, but as he stole it from Rio it
would seem that he needs to be analysed to see if Fabio only really resulted in a spot of blindness for one of the
No-Speako-Da-Lingo
Lingo made the right decision: unsuspecting youngsters, so nothing to really dwell on. It’s
not as if he was even doing it for any reason, he was just a
Leadership – Terry managed to go the whole game bit bored so you can understand it really. If I was playing
without shagging any team mate’s wives or selling tours footballl for a living, earning a mindboggling amount of
round the stadium for cash. 10/10 money, and found myself with nothing to do I think I too
would take a stroll down to Sports Direct and buy a few
Motivation – Terry played the game without stopping for a
packs of arrows too. If anyone is to blame it’s the youth
wee against the advertising boards or interfering with any
players – you know what kids are like
lik these days, they
academy players. 10/10
probably deserved it.

Decision Making – Terry correctly decided not to


t miss any
Champions League-winning
winning penalties; he also correctly
elected not to cry at any point or try to shake hands with
ex-team
team mates who he had wronged by sleeping with their
loved ones. 10/10

Overall – Terry is a nasty, vindictive, spiteful pikey who has


the moral fibre of Colonel Gadhafi and the allure of a turd-
turd
filled swimming pool. He fits in well at Chelsea with these
characteristics, but maybe instead of captaining England
he should be made to try and outrun a ground to air
missile.

Finally, I wass thinking to myself the other day that I seem


to be writing about the same players all the time. I was
concerned that there is only so many times you can laugh
at Dobbin Van Horsie’s brittle bones, Tevez and his
mystical beastness or Cashley and his smokescreen
smoke
marriage and eventual outing as the gayest man since
Kenneth Grahame. I was thinking I need a new angle, and
then it hit me. I need to add – Ballotelliwatch.
Ballotelliwatch A new
permanent feature showcasing the work of the single
most stupid individual the footballll world has ever seen, so
here is Edition One:

BALLOTELLIWATCH – It has been a quiet few days for


Mario. His most recent moment of stupidity was only a
minor misdemeanour. He only threw a few darts at some
youth team players from a hotel window. This could
cou have
What, F*cking What? football until he has been put to justice.”

5th April 2011 Chelsea fan Isaac Hunt: “I saw the incident and I feel like
this has cost Chelsea
helsea the title. If he hadn’t sworn then
West Ham would have equalised and probably gone on to
win the game. I think United should be docked the 3
points for Saturday’s game and then the FA should watch
all their previous matches and if their lip reading experts
see him swear even once in any of them they should
overturn the results. This is the fairest way to deal with
the hooligan.”

Arsenal fan Johnny Kumlatelee: “I was told about the


incident by a friend of mine, I don’t really follow football
unless Arsenal
senal are at home because my company has a
On Saturday afternoon the world was outraged and
corporate box. I used to like Spurs, but they put their
disgusted. Millions of people all around the globe were
prices up. Anyway, I have written to my MP and the mayor
treated to one of the most incredible acts of puerile filth.
of London and asked them to get him deported. They
The fallout from this act of sheer and unadultered evil has
shouldn’t allow his sort south of the midlands; they
t are
reverberated around the footballing community and the
ruining the London culture. Did Arsenal win by the way? I
perpetrator is once again the subject of a worldwide witch
haven’t seen the results I was at a polo match.”
hunt. Ex-players,
players, journalists, radio and TV presenters and
quite possibly the
he Taliban are on a manhunt seemingly The overriding theme of both of the radio shows was that
driven by the fuel of hate. The act undertaken? Swearing. the supporters of Citeh, Rent boys and Gooners were all
The villain? Wayne Rooney actually uttered a “cuss word” incensed by the situation and
d genuinely were calling for
into a TV camera and so quite rightly he must now be bans ranging from 3 to 10 games, points being deducted,
hunted down by the world authorities and probably given United being charged for failing to control their players
a public hanging, quite possibly outside the city of and Ferguson being banned from the touchline until he
Stockport Wastelands stadium. The temerity of the young runs out of chewing gum. Before we lose sight of all sense
man to dare speak the words of the devil has shocked and let’s review what actually happened.
stunned a nation of football lovers. To get a temperature
check of the feelings of the
he country, I tuned in to Wayne Rooney, who has had a mixed season at best, was
talkSPORT radio and 5 live on Saturday evening and this is getting the kind of abuse that those lovely West Ham fans
the kind of thing I heard: are best known for. His team had been losing 2-0
2 and
there was a feeling that this could be a huge turning point
Manchester City fan Bert Bitter: “I watched the game with in the season. In converting the penalty young Wayne had
my aged aunt and upon hearing the swear words she completed his hat trick and had single handedly brought
collapsed and later passed away with severe shock. I think United back from the brink of defeat. In a season where he
the hateful out of control thug should be set on fire and has completely lost the use of both feet for a while, asked
floated down the Mersey Canal. I will never again watch for a transfer, allegedly
legedly frequented the company of
whores and been chastised by the media for accidentally and less time picking on players, then maybe you could get
elbowing some clown from Wigan, this was one of only a a job with a paper that has more credibility than the
few great moments. With adrenalin coursing through his Mirror. That is all.
veins he went to the fans to celebrate his possibly title-
titl
defining treble and then suddenly had a TV camera thrust
into his face, presumably to insight a headline writing BALOTELLIWATCH – Mario started the week off in a quiet

reaction from the fiery striker. Now try and imagine manner and it tookk him until Friday to do anything

yourself in that exact same situation, torrents of abuse controversial. My sources say he stayed at home for the

flowing down from the stands and


d you have just stuck the first part of the week sharpening his darts and sticking

ball in the net for the third time to put your team in front. pins into his Dzeko voodoo doll. However, by Friday it was

What would your reaction be? A polite wave to the away normal service resumed as the papers reported an

fans and maybe a look of apology to the Hammers overzealous


verzealous challenge on Tevez. Who can blame him? If

supporters? No, I don’t think so. you had to train every day with that shitbucket it would
surely be at least a twice hourly event to go straight
The FA, with all their wit and wisdom, have decided to through the half-man/half-horse
horse with studs (and kitchen
charge Wayne for his swearword. They have either implements) showing. Also this week,
week Mario has
buckled under the huge media pressure or they were so apparently been told by Berlusconi that he will never sign
battered on tawny port that they forgot what they were him for AC because of his bad behaviour. Hello Pot, I am
discussing and thought the show of hands was to see who kettle, you’re black. Incredibly the corrupt Italian, who has
wanted a brisk rub
b down with a horse blanket. Strangely been allegedly entertaining underage girls in exchange for
they don’t get involved when Cashley Hole takes firearms money, has told Jockey Balotelli he is just too naughty to
into training or when Mario Balotelli decides to “chuck sign for him. What, fucking what?
some arrows” at the youth team. Of course the main
difference is the club and the player, had John Terry done
exactly the same thing as Rooney they would have said he
was displaying “fantastic passion” or “wearing his heart on
his sleeve”.

Before we head into Balotelliwatch, I thought I should


mention that fine and upstanding journalist Oliver Holt.
Mr Holt wrote a piece for the Mirror about Nani and
basically told us why he didn’t really like the player. He
described him as a puerile petulant play actor. He also
says he plays with a scowl and thinks the world is against
him. The article was unkind and unprompted
mpted by anything
that Nani has done, and in my opinion it was a pathetic
attempt at boosting readership, Twitter followers or
Facebook friends. So well done Mr Holt, your article was
crap and written with the skill of a primary school student.
If you spentt more time working on your journalistic ability
What a Crackin’ erection the big spectacles and remember he was just a blind old
bastard. I had toyed with a massive goalkeeper statue
13th April 2011
covered in a tarpaulin in tribute to the fact that the youth
team loving professor has always had a blind spot for
keepers.

Aston Villa

A glass container full of sodium pentothal. Then the


villains can have a tablet and start telling the truth.
Instead of saying they are a “sleeping giant, a club that
deserves Champions league blah blah blah” they can tell
the truth and say “we are just a boring club in the arse end
of Birmingham, with a terrible manager and Fucking Emile
Heskey as our goal threat”

Blackburn Rovers
As far as erections outside stadia go you would have to do
something special to out-weird
weird the statue of Michael A giant chicken. So in years to come their fan(s) can cast a

kson at Fulham’s Craven Cottage. Quite why the rotund glance at the chicken and remember the day those poultry
Jackson po

Egyptian has chosen to erect a statue of the musically farmers bought their club and sacked their rotund

enlightened but mentally flawed singer is a mystery, but manager, thus breathing life into the demise of the town.

probably has something to do with the inane amount of Three successive relegations later and with David Dunn as

money Jackson spent at his corner shop.


op. This shop was of their player manager the chicken will be symbolic.

course Harrods and as Al Fayed sold it for £1.5bn it is quite


Blackpool
possible that he can’t think what else he could spend his
money on. Not for him the huge investment on players
In honour of the ultimate
te seaside resort they would have a
that the village idiot at Chelsea has made, rather than a
statue of a Victorian styled family on a day trip to the
statuesque
uesque lady boy striker Al Fayed has chosen to buy a
beach. Like the town however the statue would be rotten
statue of a man boy instead. When questioned on what
and falling apart, it would be coated in urine like fragrance
his fans might think about the statue Al Fayed said they
and unemployed pole dancers would writhe around
arou it on a
can either “go to hell” or support Chelsea. Seemingly one
Sunday night begging for enough cash to buy an oxtail
and the same? So what might other clubs be inspired to
soup.
erect outside their stadia;

Chelsea
Arsenal

A very elegant and ornate statue with a carved bust of


A Giant pair of bifocals. When the Gooners cast their mind
John Terry. From his slitty eyes water would gently trickle
back to the reign of the sleeping bag adorned lizard man
down into a pool by his feet. On the hour, every hour, the
and wonder how the fuck he never ever ever witnessed
statue
tue loses its footing and monetarily slips before the
any crime committed by an Arsenal Playerr they
the will see
waterworks increase and flow strongly for 10 minutes. Or love blowing bubbles.
a life-size
size statue of Cashley Hole with a mobile phone
protruding from his rectum. Wigan

Liverpool A signpost. One direction pointing towards


towar the Rugby
league stadium, the other towards the pie factory.
A gigantic 40 foot bin. Instead of any kind of transfer
tran fund
in the future their owners, or whichever bland
underachieving Americans are in charge, can use their
In other news “rooneyswearsafterahattrickgate”
money to purchase hub caps, roof tiles, shell suits, duty
continues to rumble on and I for one completely fucking
free ciggies and leccy cards which they then throw into the
understand it. The incendiary young man was fucking
bin. After the game the fanss are invited to have 1 dip each.
wrong to swear down the lense of a camera while there
Cue 38,000 very happy scousers unconcerned by their lack
were young bloody children watching the fucking game.
of success as they leave the council house adorned by
Clearly now all over the fucking country youngsters will
their winnings.
score goals and then burst into a frenzy of foul mouthed

Manchester City abuse. Or maybe their parents will have an ounce of sense
and explain
n that it is not right to swear and they shouldn’t
So many options. A cabinet – anywhere else it would be do it. But what if the FA is right and there is an explosion
called a trophy cabinet but in this instance they risk being of fucking swearing all over the world. Maybe the FA
troubled by trade descriptions. A stable – so fans could see should speak to the government and use this as the
where they housed Tevez during his time there. A huge benchmark in the future. I would like to see crimewatch
bowl of lemons – so the fans could take a couple to suck banned instantly, imagine all those children watching the
during the game thus ensuring they sported their
thei reconstructions and then careering round to the local bank
trademark bitter expression. and violently robbing the safe while brandishing a sawn
off shotgun. What about the news? All bulletins should be
Newcastle United screened before hitting the airwaves, imagine the looting,
murdering, raping and fraudulent behaviour these
A holy trinity statue of their own. Shearer, Keegan and
impressionable youngsters could get up to. Given the
Dennis Wise. The triumvirate of dickheads that created
constant coverage of the Raoul Moat and Derrick Bird
their downfall.
situations I would imagine we are only days away from
f a

Spurs plethora of earth shattering murder sprees as these


children once again ape what they see on the telly. Or
A print of their stadium with the Champions league boards maybe they will realise that all of these things are wrong
in place as this will be the last time they see them in action and instead watch a bit of fireman Sam while playing their
for the foreseeable. fucking Nintendo DS.

West Ham Balotelliwatch

A statue of Michael Jackson’s pet monkey in a lifelike It has been a poor week for Mario on the pitch,
pose. Then we can see of those cheeky cockneys really do overshadowing his off field antics for once. Away from the
cameras he has probably murdered a small African tribe Spewing with joy
because his hay fever was playing up but this week’s
20th April 2011
report is on his footballing ability
bility for once. Or lack of it. As
the bitters were defeated by the Bin Dippers (a match that Sunday 16th April will be one of those days that people will
left me feeling sick, it was like choosing a pint of piss or a look back with mixed feelings and in years to come fellow
shit sandwich) Mario was sent on to replace half man half United supporters will ask you where you were and what
horse Tevez who had gone lame. A period demonstrating
emonstrating you were doing
ng at the time Sloth from the Goonies was
his usual lack of application followed and eventually he hammering his penalty home against Arsenal. I had felt
suffered the humiliation of being a substituted substitute, uneasy all day, just the suggestion that I could hope
not only that but he was replaced by a defensive Liverpool would get a result had made me feel a bit bilious
midfielder despite the fact his team was trailing. When a from the off. Normally in these circumstances I would
similar fate befell Bebe the poor homeless lad was hope for a 0-0
0 draw littered with cards and non-life
non
ridiculed and United were laughed at for signing a player threating but niggly injuries that keep key players out for
so poor. Never mind Mario, in your spare time this week months.
you could go and find yourself a family to take hostage at
knife point and no-one
one will notice that you are a I felt on this occasion that a Liverpool win would probably

footballing shithouse. completely derail Arsenals challenge though, so I


swallowed my pride,
de, and my own vomit, and quite
privately hoped Liverpool would win. As the game drew
near I started to think what it could mean if Arsenal did
lose and in all the excitement I actually tweeted “Come on
Liverpool” I was instantly sick and collapsed to the floor
with the pain of what I had just done. However despite
doing all they could to gift Arsenal 3 points the dirty bin
dippers somehow contrived to enter injury time on level
terms, so just for good measure that potato headed
warlock Spearing tripped Fibreglass,
reglass, probably rupturing
his spleen in the process. Amazingly Dobbin Van Horsie
was still on the pitch at this late stage of the game and he
managed to summon enough power in his terminally
brittle limbs to score the penalty. So job done for
Liverpool, just see out the closing stages for a well-earned
well
defeat and put a spanner in the works for United, but that
poor Eboue is still struggling to learn the rules of the game
and he impeded the saviour of Brazilian football Lucas to
concede a last gasp penalty to the hubcap thieves. Of
course had the Southport Slugger been on the pitch he
would either have slammed the ball over the ball or even
shot behind him at his own goal to try and confirm the
victory. Gleefully he has broken his bail conditions and has impression be?
to stay at home for the rest of the season so the chance
fell to Sloth. He stood at the edge of the D, like a poor A) Wow, look at the iconic trophy it really is a symbol of

man’s Ian Dowie and I still felt sure he would put the ball the greatest and most revered knockout competition in

wide, or fall over his own forehead. With a spritely “Hey world football. I must centre all my efforts on watching as

you guys” he steamed in and


nd arrowed the ball into the many of the games as I can next season.

corner. I very nearly did some poo on the floor. Cue


B) What the fuck is that holding the cup? That thing has
Arsene and Kenny having a cussing match on the side-
side
blood on its fangs and must have eaten all of the players. I
lines, one which will of course go unpunished despite the
must never watch this shit again. It is worse than
fact that Sunday league managers all over the country will
Colombian football. I must turn this off and cleanse myself
now tell
ell each other to piss off after the game and refuse
with bleach.
to shake hands.

Even if the sabre toothed beast doesn’t make the final


Congratulations to Manchester City on a well-deserved
well
they still run the risk of offending millions of viewers with
victory in the FA cup semi-final.
final. I have just been sick again.
the pre historic tackling of De Jong, the sheer
On the day they played better and as much as it pains me
ridiculousness of Balotelli, the unlikely shape of
to say it they
ey deserve to go through, where they will be
Komppanys head or the compelling femininity of David
taken apart by the Potteries Barcelona. This is not the big
Silva.
a. Not that Citeh will win anyway, the manner of
issue though, by banning Rooney for the “what Fucking
Stokes semi-final
final win means that if they were based
What?” event they have inadvertently signalled the
anywhere near London they would be heralded as the
beginning of the end for their cherished cup competition.
c
greatest team ever seen in world football.
How? I hear you ask, well consider this. Should Citeh win
the cup, it will be lifted by their captain, Kettleneck. This is Balotelli Watch
the defining image of an FA cup campaign and think about
the fallout. E-On
On will instantly cancel their sponsorship of The blurry minded Italian had a funny old day on Saturday.
the cup. How can a power generating company have a He was mainly innocuous during the game despite the odd
man with a horrifically scarred neck on their promotional neat touch and sprinkling of his undoubted skill. Then as
literature, it’s a health and safety minefield. They would the game finished he went over to the United fans to
be advocating children burning their own necks on kettles, celebrate. Had it been Robinho I would have forgiven him
prompting lots of scousers to empty
pty boiling water onto as he actually thought
ught he was playing for United and when
their offspring and launch a “no win no fee” claim against he realised this wasn’t the case he fled instantly. Rio and
the energy giant. By carrying the images of the mythical Anderson didn’t see the funny side of it though and went
beast and his scalded features they were saying it was to challenge the mentally deficient striker. As they
okay, nay advisable, to burn infants. Then what happens approached he greeted them with “hello, my names
nam Mario
when the
he images are fed out around the world via the and I like ice cream and drawing with crayons”, disarmed
various media streams. Imagine all those potential by this the United men aborted their seek and destroy
football fans around the world as they catch their first mission and headed dejectedly off the pitch. It is
glimpse of the FA Cup, being held aloft by this “thing” all absolutely nailed on that Mario will disgrace himself at
neck decorations and unruly teeth. What will
ill their first some point during the final though, it might be soiling
himself on the half way line, it might be licking Ryan Apocalypse Now awards – part one
Shawcross just prior to a corner, but he will. He always
29th April 2011
does.
It’s been a funny few days. First Liverpool
Liverpoo win 5-0 with a
hat trick from Maxi Rodriguez and a goal from the world’s
best player Joe Cole. Bizarre. Then Torres finally breaks his
duck for Chelsea; had it not been for the waterlogged
pitch he would have overrun the ball and fallen down. A
first goall in about 92 years for the £50 million pound
striker, so massive that it was instantly “breaking news”
on Sky Sports News. Crazy. Then, to top it all off, I walked
into the lounge on Sunday evening to be greeted by my
former babysitter doing her strange poetry
p on Britain’s
Got Talent, being viewed by around 10 million people. The
snaggle-toothed
toothed lollipop lady was dribbling her way
through some curious verses on national television.
Insane.

At this point, I walked to the door and looked out


expecting to see the horsemen of the apocalypse winging
their way down from the heavens to inflict the final rites
on the earth, lightening crashing down on the houses
around me and lava spewing from the hills that encircle
our village. And then normal service was resumed.
resumed Arsenal
collapsed like a very tall man who has just been hit in the
testicles by an elephant’s trunk and the world was right
again. Had they managed to overcome their moment of
adversity at this time of the season, and with all these
other strange goings on taking place, I probably would
have conceded that the Mayans were right and bought
myself a large bottle of vodka and watched the drama
unfold. But they didn’t, because they have as much spine
as a Portuguese Man o’ War and as much team spirit as
Robinho,
ho, and so as usual it is United vs. Chelsea for the
Premier League title.

On to matters more serious than a near apocalyptic


happening, it is time for the first ever 7Cantonas annual
(nearly) end of season player awards. Being as this
features in “A Week In Football” it is obviously going to be
an alternative awards process and instead we will be at the youth team (Elite Development Reserves, Second
looking at the players that have hit the headlines for the Youngsters, Academy of Football and stuff), been allergic
wrong reasons. And so without further ado, here are the to grass, been ridiculously sent off, been incapable
in of
categories and winners: donning a bib and generally acting like a shithouse.

“The Ben Thatcher Fair Tackling” Award “The Kevin Keegan Level-Headed
Headed Under Pressure” Award
(via @MU689908)
Nominees – Jamie Carragher, Nigel De Jong, Lee
Cattermole, Karl Henry and Ryan Shawcross. Nominees – Arsene Wenger, Carlo Ancelotti, Ian Holloway,
Arry Redknapp and
d Agent Woy
Despite Nigel De Jong and Karl Henry shattering limbs on a
weekly basis, they don’t merit this award. Poor old Henry Arsene is always going to be nominated for this award
is simply not technically skilled
d enough to tackle without once we have passed March and his lovely boys start to
causing injury, and Nigel is disqualified for not passing the fall apart. The Sky Sports cameras hone in on the sleeping
minimum IQ level. Shawcross is instantly exempt for being bag adorned lizard, and every water bottle kick and shake
an ex-Red,
Red, and Cattermole, despite being a “tenacious” of the head is examined.
mined. But this award isn’t for Arsene,
tackler, does possess a small amount of ability. So the
th he hasn’t properly lost it yet this season, and he did try
winner, for being a horrid shitbucket with the ability of a and fight Kenny Dalglish so it’s not all bad. Carlo is always
cuttlefish and the charm and charisma of a puss-filled
puss turd under pressure as the village idiot desperately tries to win
is – Jamie Carragher. the European Cup, but usually he manages
m to express his
anger through his curiously elevated eyebrow, while Agent
“The Craig Bellamy Award for Tact and Diplomacy” (via Woy was dismissed despite doing the job Sir Alex hired
@topcat1512) him for, but all the while he maintained his decorum and
kept himself controlled. We think. It is sometimes weally
Nominees – El Hadji Diouf, Mario Balotelli, John Terry,
difficult
ult to understand what he is saying. So it’s between
Carlos Tevez and Andy Carroll
Arry and Ian for the title. Arry can be a touch incendiary at

Thankfully the offensively despicable Diouf has been times, especially if anyone doubts his proven transfer

whisked away from the Premier League to play in the policy (proven or scattergun?), but generally he is quite

North North England Sunday League, or the Scottish level headed. So the winner is Ian Holloway; in his debut

Premier League as it is sometimes known, so he is now season in the Premier League he has provided a perfect

ineligible for the award. John Terry was within a whisker spectrum of entertainment,, from the sublime to the

of winning it, but on his way to pick up the trophy lost his fucking stupid. From the start
rt Holloway has been a gem.

footing and fell awkwardly, drenching the place in the As reports broke of him leaving the club before the season

process. Carlos Tevez would surely have won except no started, he asked reporters whether they could see him

one ever knows what he is actually saying, and Andy and then declared he wasn’t a cut out. After fielding a

Carroll was almost certain until he moved to Merseyshite, weakened team for a game against Villa he basically

fell in love with Kenny and started going to see Boyzone offered
d all of the journalists outside and then said that if

gigs. So this trophy goes to Mario, the mohican-topped


mohican any of them came to see him for a coffee he would

fuckwit, who amongst


ongst other discrepancies has insulted probably just chuck it in their laps anyway. Take a bow Ian

Jack Le Wilshere (on its own not a bad thing), thrown darts Holloway.
The second part of the 7Cantonas annual awards to follow The Royal Wedding and Awards Part 2
in next week’s edition…
5th May 2011

Balotelliwatch After last week it seemed that the world couldn’t get any
weirder, but it managed to move one notch up the odd-o-
odd
This feature has now been disconituned. It is always good
meter again this week. First of all, we had the royal
to poke fun at people who appear to be slightly unhinged
wedding, an occasion that was viewed by an estimated 2
and enjoyable to wallow in their misfortune, especially if
billion people worldwide. Roughly a third of the world
they play for a rival club. Now, however, I realise that
were sat watching two people they had never met getting
Mario has a very serious problem and once this is the case
married at a place they had never been to, before the
it ceases to be funny and becomes mean and uncaring. It is
couple headed off to a reception that they weren’t
were invited
only recently that I found out about Mario’s problem and
to either. But at least the wedding was an educational
so it seems right to end the feature now and move on.
experience for all viewers, my son for example learnt from
Mario is allergic to grass. There, I have said it, it’s all in the
the ceremony that Jesus’ surname is Christ and that the
open now and we can all get along with our lives without
Archbishop of Canterbury is actually Father Christmas.
trying to block it out. The stupid clown clearly has a bag of
issues as full as Santa’s sack, but to decide to be a Then on Sunday Arsenal
nal managed to hold on to a lead and
footballer while suffering from such a debilitating problem actually win a game without their intense mental
is stupidity embodied. Has anyone ever seen a weakness working against them, or the brittle nature of
synchronised swimmer that has an allergy to water? No. their leading players causing them horrendous injuries. Of
course, the fact that the pressure was off them meant that
t
So from next week we will have a new naughty corner –
they could play with a bit more freedom than they can
Twats Tweets. This has taken a huge personal sacrifice as I
normally manage at the end of the season. The shackles
have had to create a list on twitter
ter including such
that are applied and increased during March and April
luminaries as Lucas, Dobbin Van Horsie, Jack Le Wilshere,
were off as they resign themselves to another season
Wockface Chestnut and even Dirk “Hey You Guys” Kuyt.
finale where they can cross trophy polish
p off their
Skimming through their tweets has made me feel sick at
shopping list.
times, but there is some comedy gold lurking, so it might
prove to be a worthwile sacrifice. Then on Sunday/Monday the world’s most wanted man
was “brought to justice” by a crack squad of American
soldiers. This terrible criminal mind has caused upset the
world over and was once possibly the most hated man on
earth. Just for clarity, I am not talking about Garry Cook,
but Osama Bin Laden. So now that he has gone, surely the
world will return to a haven of peace and tranquillity and
all will be right again. Gareth Bale will reclaim his place as
No 1 in the world, Ancelotti
otti will finally get control of his
flight risk eyebrow and Mario Balotelli will finally get some
industrial strength anti-histamine
histamine tablets to cure his grass
allergy. Speaking of Mario, it seems I finished
Balotelliwatch a week too soon given his training
trainin ground description now defunct) and when Rosicky arrived for the
antics, but I am sure it wasn’t his fault. I expect that nasty job she was inadvertently
rtently sent to the training ground
Vincent Kompany was goading him, probably showing off instead. Michael Johnson has made 4 appearances in the
about how enormous his funny shaped head was, and it’s last 3 seasons, but this is deceptive as he has actually been
not as if nice Mario has had any problems with his other injured since 2004. He suffered a rare and horrific brain
team mates. Apart from Jerome Boateng. And Carlos injury that made him think Manchester City were
we a
Tevez. And those naughty youth team players. It’s surely “massive club”. Medical experts tell us that this condition,
not Mario’s fault though. although rare, now affects around 25,000 people in the UK
and has increased due to a recent gathering of overpriced
However, back to matters of a serious nature and the turds in the Stockport area. Sadly, due to his actual
second instalment of the 7 Cantona’s annual awards… medical condition, he
e can’t win this award either. Instead
the award goes jointly to Dobbin van Horsie and Thomas
“The Darren Anderton Lifetime Award for Services to
Vermaelen. As well all know van Horsie has suffered from
Physiotherapists” (via @writtenoff_mufc)
a ridiculous catalogue of injuries over the years, from

Nominees – Dobbin van Horsie, Thomas Vermaelen, broken fingernails to stress fractures of the earlobe,
ear but

Thomas Rosicky, Michael Johnson, Fabio Aurelio he has found his match in Vermaelen. The Belgian injured
his Achilles in September and has managed to string this 6-
6
Sadly, the previous winner from 2009 and 20010,
20010 Owen week absence into an 8-month
month absence. That is impressive
Hargreaves is ineligible for this award as he is no longer even by Arsenal’s standards. One can only imagine the
being treated by a physio; instead United are employing glances of admiration/
on/ jealousy cast by van Horsie as
the healing hands of John Cofie (Seen Green Mile? No? Vermaelen is again ruled out for the upcoming game.
Then you won’t get that joke) to try and cleanse him of his
impurities. Fabio Aurelio
relio nearly made a lucky escape in the
summer from his years of torment at Analfield. Fabio “The Shaun Goater Award for Extreme Facial

found himself so immersed in scouse culture that instead Abnormalities” (via @centersneak
centersneak)

of going to training he would nip to the local shop, steal 20


Nominees – Suarez (teeth), Kompany (oversized
(ov head),
Lambert & Butler and razzle readers’ wives and
a watch
Kuyt (Sloth off the Goonies), Tevez (neck, teeth, head,
Jezza Kyle all morning. Instead of reporting fit for games
hooves)
he would loaf around the local job club and “banter” with
his fellow bin dippers. He finally managed to escape the The bin dippers snared themselves a very talented
vicious circle of impropriety in the summer and left the footballer at a reasonable price when they signed Luis
club, only for Agent
gent Woy to track him down and march Suarez, a cultured attacker who had a great scoring record
him back. Fabio can’t win this as he isn’t ever injured, he is (albeit in the
e Eredivisie, where my great aunt Gladys once
just a “scouser”. Work shy. Thomas Rosicky is also sadly scored 47 goals in a season for Willem II) and could
ineligible as, despite the fact he is slightly less sturdy than provide a creative spark for his team. However, take heed,
matchsticks, he has recently been uncovered
ncovered as an old as my Mum once said you get what you pay for (as she
Ukrainian lady that was accidentally purchased by the bought a car for £47) and the scousers should have been
sleeping bag-adorned
adorned lizard man. Arsene was actually alerted by his relatively low fee. Why was he so
looking to recruit a cleaner for the trophy room (job inexpensive in a market filled with overpriced shithouses?
Because he brings danger on two counts. Firstly, he is Robbie Savage
prone to bite folk with his fang-like
like toothypegs and he is
indiscriminate with his attacks. It might be an opposition Poor old Robbie Savage is now exempt from this
t award as

player (as it was before, earning him the nickname The he ceased to be a footballer about, erm, oh hold on, he

passer never was a footballer. So even though he consistently


Cannibal of Amsterdam) or it might be an innocent passer-
by. As it was when he recently savaged the tea lady, shows himself up to be a proper weapon he is ineligible.

putting her into a high dependency unit with 116 bite Little Jack le Wilshere has had an astonishing year,

wounds.
ounds. But secondly, he attracts danger from passing emerging in the Arsenall first team and playing for England,

tribes of ivory hunters. Just last week the Mokolo tribe before he suddenly took over as the world’s best player,

coated Liverpool training complex and snatching the award from Gareth Bale. He has a Twitter
stopped at the puss-coated
embarked on a two day siege, firing poison darts at the account and this has been his downfall, particularly his

coaching staff as they tried to secure their bounty. love for posting very, very dull and sometimes homoerotic
ho

Kompany on the other hand is a terrific defender who photos. His team mates “posing”, pictures of what he is

wins everything in the air. No fucking surprise really, given having for his tea (chocolate spread on toast one night),
the incredible size of his swede he would probably win an pictures of his team mates, some young chaps he plays
aerial duel with an Airbus A320. His head is so big that it with and some of his team mates. But Jack can’t win this

hass its own weather system and quite often it might be award because although he is a big dull Susan he isn’t

sunny in Manchester (Stockport) but snowing on the peak offensive enough. Szczesny, or for the purpose of my

of his bonce. Dirk Kuyt would normally get some intense editor and his spell checker, Wockface has had a few

abuse for everything that is wrong with him, but he scored shockers, on and off the pitch. My favourite tweet of his
the penalty against Arsenal that a certain Steven Gerrard was after Chelsea were despatched from the FA Cup on
would have put out for a throw in, so for now he is a penalties,
ies, with Cashley Hole missing the crucial kick “Is it a

moderately ugly man. That is all. So the winner, of course, plane? Is it an aeroplane? No, it’s just Ashley throwing

is Carlos “weeping sore” Tevez. A man so desperately Chelsea out of the fa cup ”. Excusing the possible language

disfigured that I once saw a picture of him mooing while barrier, does Wockface not know that a plane is an

he celebrated
ebrated a goal and my very core was frozen with aeroplane? Imagine the confusion
confusi on European away

terror. I once thought I had seen him at Bristol Zoo only to matches. Arsene: “Please board the plane lovely boys”.
realise that his doppelganger was actually one of the Wockface: “But that’s an aeroplane?”. Arsene: “Sacre

inmates. It’s not even as if he has any redeeming features. bleu, did anyone keep Lehmann’s mobile number?” Prior
Sometimes you meet a really fat and nd horrifically ugly to this, Wockface had stated that United always get the

person, but they have an infectious smile or a lovely sense decisions and then berated people who questioned him,
of humour, but this little bucket of shit spends his time actually tweeting that if people didn’t want to see his

barbecuing steak inside his house, scowling, snarling, opinions they should unfollow him and follow Katie Price.

mooing and generally looking like he would rather be From one great big fanny to another. The winner though

sticking hot sharp objects into his eyes than earning can only be Ryan Babel. He tweets like a deranged pelican,
p

£250,000 a week to play football. Bastard. an eclectic mixture of nonsense, rubbish and crap. Of
course, his highlight was the Photoshop image of Howard
“The Ryan Babel Award for Social Media Manipulation”
Manipulation Webb in a United shirt for which the FA charged him £9
and made him sit in the naughty corner for half an hour.
Nominees – Ryan Babel, Wojciech Szczesny, Jack Wilshere,
Had it been a United playerr doing something similar they Stevie Says
would have been sawn in half with a rusty hacksaw and
13th May 2011
then fed to the seagulls. Babel was signed for Liverpool
and for about 27 minutes was a much vaunted prodigy, I am going to begin by being absolutely clear on one thing
before he actually took to the pitch and showed the – I am a jinxer. So for this reason I won’t be mentioning
application
on and ability of Marco Boogers. He has since anything about the destiny of the Premier League title
been offloaded by Liverpool and is now on the inevitable until Mr Nemanja Vidic has the trophy in his death
decline that will lead him to co-owning
owning a bar in Tenerife, inducing grip, the handles being crushed out of shape as
probably called “Nobheads” before declaring himself as a he cavorts around Old Trafford in a terrifying death ballet.
prophet of the planet Crenk and teaming
ng up with David
Icke to launch a new intergalactic trading alliance.
Wanker.

Twats Tweets will be launched next week. I am finding it


very hard to trawl through the shit spouted by people like
Wockface, Dobbin, Sloth from the Goonies and Robbie
Savage.

So, back to the matter in hand and once again the


Southport Slugger has saved me. I normally start thinking
about writing this article
icle on a Monday and then get
distracted by the loud buzzing of a bee or the murmuring
of a wood pigeon and forget what I was doing. I then toy
with various ideas and thoughts during Tuesday and
Wednesday before deciding that the best course of action
is to
o just take the piss out of our most hated opposition
players and teams. Unless, that is, Mr Steven Gerrard has
been talking to the media, because when that happens my
work is done. I barely need to add anything to his inane
and ridiculous ramblings. We don’t
do need to remind
ourselves of his pre-season
season vocal cuntery, but we will –
“Anything Messi can do, Joe can do as well, if not better”.
For the LAST time I will just dissect that – Joe Cole – 2
goals, 1 red card. Most notable moment – scoring for
Liverpool RESERVES against the United Reserves and then
going absolutely bat shit mental and looking slightly less
retarded than Temuri Ketsbaia, he of the hoarding boards
assault. such a narrow margin? Well probably because they didn’t
have Ronaldo?
Then, just to prove his worth to the world of media, he
told us that Suarez and Carroll
roll are “the most feared strike It is easy to say that if “team x” had “player z” they would
force in the league”. Again, I refuted this nonsense and it have won the title. I am sure United would have had
made for another article that wrote itself. Just to check number 19 last season if only they had been in possession
where we are on that statement United has Hernandez, of Lionel Messi or Higuain, but they didn’t. What makes
Rooney and Berbatov as their main strikers and they have this fuckwit’s rambling all the more stupid
stu is that Jamie
returned 44 goals and 15 assists. Liverpool has the Carragher is about as good at defending as Arsene is at
“cannibal of Amsterdam”, the Blood Bottler and Sloth out spotting a defender. Shit. Some people of a generous
of the Goonies as their triumvirate of sewage and they disposition may have given Carragher some accolades
have mustered 30 goals and 13 assists. So the United earlier in his career, but for a few years now he has been a
strikers have scored 14 and created
d 2 more goals. I lumbering prick, as fleet footed as a wardrobe and with
imagine there are some scousers out there (providing they the ability of a shoebox. He would have added nothing to
can read and have stolen an internet accessing device) Arsenal’s squad apart from the need for them to hire
that would argue that Suarez has only been around for ANOTHER interpreter. The only person who might have
half a season. So has Rooney. Argument dismissed. In fact understood his phlegm filled garblings would have been
Chelsea’s trio
o of Malouda, Drogba and Kalou have 35 goals Jack Le Wilshere, but his playing time in the north of
(couldn’t be arsed to look for their assists, sorry). I haven’t England has now nearly completely been wiped from his
included Torres in the Chelsea trio because I don’t think he memory by the Arsenal brain washers, just in case he tries
has actually played for them yet. I understand that to play a pass of more than 14 yards or, heaven forbid,
Abramovich purchased him in reaction
on to news that make a tackle.
Fulham were going to have a statue outside their ground.
That simple village idiot always wants to go one better. So But Gerrard’s theory
eory deserves to be expanded upon. He

just so we are clear, Liverpool’s strikers aren’t the best says that if Arsenal had added Carragher they would have

statistically and their top scorer sits behind such won the league, but what other players could they have

luminaries ass Peter Odemwingie and the perpetually added to win other things;

injured Dobbin van Horsie. If a man who spends 73 out of


John Terry – They would have snared the prestigious
every 90 minutes injured has scored more than the most
“Hustler Shagging Team of the
he Year” currently residing in
expensive player in Britain, and newest member of the
the Stamford Bridge trophy cabinet.
Ronan Keating fan club, then not so fearsome.

Jonjo Shelvey & Jay Spearing – Buying these two hideously


So on to his latest moment of verbal diahorrea, the
disfigured goblins would have won them The Middle Earth
Liverpool captain and part-time
time DJ beater gave us this
Knockout Cup.
diamond. He told befuddled looking reporters that if
Arsenal had Jamie Carragher they would have won the Peter Crouch – Along with van Horsie (the incredible
league. So in that case when Liverpool were challenging
chall brittle man), Samir Nasri (the token gypsy) and Bacary
for the league title on 2009, with Carragher on board, why Sagna (the slightly bearded lady) they could have
didn’t they win the league? Maybe because they didn’t definitely challenged for the Annual “Circus Freakshow
have Fabregas? And why in 2008 did Chelsea miss out by
Shield” dissecting the document posted on the Manchester City
website – “How To Be a Cunt”.
”.
Carlos Tevez – They would have been entered into the
“World Gurning Championships – Handicapped Class”

Fellaini and David Luiz – wWith these two on board Jack Le


Wilshere would have had some models to practise on and
then win the “Magic Scissor Hairdresser of the Year”

So well done Steven Gerrard and thanks for spouting more


shit than a drain cleaning
ng machine stuck in reverse.

TWATS TWEETS

There has been no time to monitor the twats this week


because the Nevilles joined Twitter. Sadly this has
prompted a horrendous tirade of hideous abuse as bitters,
dippers and even Evertonians have tweeted threats and
insults to Gary, Phil and even little Michael Owen. These
mightily brave keyboard warriors have branded our
players, current and former, as Munichs as well as
threatening
ening them with death and wishing injury and illness
on their families. Nice. However, we know that it can’t
have been real fans of those clubs. Only 2.3% of Liverpool
fans can read and write and less than half of those will
have access to the internet on a device of their own. All
bitters will have been enthralled by “The
The Cunt’s Guide to
Being a Massive Fan” that was posted on
www.wewillwinatrophyevenifitcosts£10billion.c
www.wewillwinatrophyevenifitcosts£10billion.com, or the
club’s official website to give it its full title. And the
Everton fans will be too busy looting the houses of the
dippers once they have gone out on the rob. So instead it
is probably teenagers, spotty pubescent types who have
taken their parent’s
t’s phone and tried to make a name for
themselves by abusing footballing legends. Good work
geeks.

NEXT WEEK

In next week’s edition of “A Week In Football” I will be


How to be a Cunt normally all of those. This week, however, they have
surpassed themselves
es at the “Massive Club” by posting
21st May 2011
“The bluffer’s guide to MCFC” or as I like to call it “How to
Editor’s Note: Firstly, this article does contain expletive be a Cunt”. Sadly though they have gone about it all the
language. Also, much of this article draws from David wrong way, so as seeker of the truth I thought it only right
Clayton’s The bluffer’s guide to MCFC on the official that I decipher, translate and interpret it for all of you
website of Manchester City. For the sake of avoiding any magical Reds;
copyright issues, and giving due credit to the idiot who
wrote the original piece, the excerpts taken from the New to Manchester City FC? Then you have probably

original article are in blue. Just to reiterate, all blue text is stumbled upon this website by mistake, it’s my bet that

taken from The bluffer’s guide to MCFC.. Thank you.


you you were looking for Manchester United. Never mind, we
have loads of room at our stadium. We regularly have
20,000 spare
are seats at home games, so there is plenty of
room. Read on and see if we can convert you into a bitter
cunt too.

We all know we have the best fans in the world and


manager Roberto Mancini is building the team our
supporters deserve. Even if we only get 25,000
2 to home
games and despite spending £500m we have just the FA
Cup and a mythical half-man,
man, half-horse
half to show for it.

Loyalty, commitment, passion and, during the darker


Hello and welcome to the penultimate edition of A Week times, a sense of humour has been needed over the years
In Football for this season. Obviously the big news is the to follow the Blues – that’s
t’s what we affectionately call City
winning of the record breaking 19th title thus de-perching
d – but expectation and optimism have now been added to
the shit eaters from Analfield. A title won despite this those qualities. However, this should always be tempered
being a poo team that bears no semblance to any with caution because there will come a time when that
Ferguson teams of the past, a team that the journalists Sheikh will get bored of spunking away his illegally
said could well drop out of the top 4 this season. Good obtained
btained oil fortune and find something better to do with
work journalists –you are alll eulogising over it now I would it. Like trying to revive the dinosaurs or building a bridge
imagine. to the moon. And when the money goes we shall enter a
state of insolvency followed by a freefall through the
However, if you look around the 7Cantonas site there will footballing pyramid that would
d make Accrington Stanley
be plenty of tributes to the record breaking team, my job wince. So make the most of it while you can.
is to ridicule and discredit our opposition. If you regularly
read this section you will know that if Steven Gerrard is Success means we’ll be welcoming a new generation of
not providing me with the bullets then it’s usually City fans from here in England and all over the globe, too,
someone from the Wastelands showing themselves up to and when our new followers come on board, they’ll be
be aggressive, money grabbing, retarded or delusional. Or welcomed with open arms into our ‘family’,
‘family’ before they
too realise they have come to watch the wrong club and anyone (serious retards excluded) will know, there is more
troop out shrouded in disappointment and feeling bilious. than one City, but there is only one Citeh.
We will probably attract new followers in the same way
that Cheslea did when they got a rich benefactor, As they say on the evening news sports results round-up,
round if

gathering
thering together the floatsome and jetsome of the you don’t want to know the following – or more likely if

“drifitng” football fan pool. The ones that when asked you already know (!), look away now.

who they support refuse to specify a team, instead


Our fans’ anthem is Blue Moon, a song written 67 years
insisting “I used to like Liverpool in the 80s, apart from 87
ago by Rogers and Hart and adopted in or around 1989.
when I supported Coventry, but then I changed to
Though we don’t sing the whole song – just the chorus –
Wimbledon in 88. After that I was keen on Arsenal for a
Blue Moon echoes
es out when the players are need of an
while, while Leeds were my second team. I did like Chelsea
uplift or when we we’ve just scored. By echoes we mean
a few years ago, but you won’t catch me supporting
that the 25,000 that attend our home games sing, but the
United, all their fans are glory hunters.” The very type of
song echoes around the rest of the empty ground, keeping
fan for whom the “half
alf and half” scarf was invented.
the tumbleweed company.

Champions League qualification and the FA Cup Final will


If asked where we play our football, it’s the City of
mean hundreds of thousands of people will adopt the
Manchester Stadium – also nicknamed Eastlands due to
Blues as their chosen side and with that in mind, here is a
the area of Manchester it is in. It’s worth noting that from
guide to help ‘newbies’ bluff your way through the
1923 to 2003 we played our home games at Maine Road.
televised
elevised games, with your mates down at the pub or
By Eastlands, we mean Wastelands, due to the fact that it
actually at a game. By now you are probably thinking,
is a waste of perfectly good space. It would be better
“This is bollocks, they expect hundreds of thousands of
served knocking it down and making it into a park and ride
new supporters, plus they are calling them
for the local KFC.
‘newbies????”’”. To explain these indiscretions, the
th
person that writes our website used to sit halfway up the If you are asked who your favourite players are from down
stairs in our offices licking the windows and poking himself the years – your credibility is at stake here – don’t say
in the eye with a fork, but he was the only person we Francis Bell, Colin Summerbee and Yaya Dzeko though
could persuade to write such a condescending, riddled these names exists, they are combinations – have a good
with shit article. Sorry. Please read on. scan over the club website and check out who the current
favourites are and who the club legends are and take
So long as you’ve got City in your hearts, we want your
notes! To be safe, just say nothing. Most of the current
support – and if you are watching City (there’s only one
squad will be gone in the next few years. Tevez is off,
City, by the way!) take on Stoke at Wembley on Saturday
Toure is going to be banned for his crack abuse, Lescott is
and you’ll be cheering us on for the first time in the new
a third of the way through an internal melting process –
Carlos Tevez home shirt you’ve just bought on-line,
on this is
his head is melting from the inside very slowly. Dzeko has
stuff you need to know. Hold on, the first thing you
only recently
ly realised he signed for the wrong club and
actually need to know is that Carlos Tevez shirt you have
Balotelli will probably stick to a car window in the autumn
just bought is by now redundant. By the time you read this
frosts, mid-lick,
lick, and end up being dragged along the M6.
we will be mucking out Carlos’ empty stables
ables and he will
be in the air, freighted out to Italy or Spain. Plus, as
And, if we score against Stoke and some more experienced The Grand Finale
Blues (ahem!) around you ask you to join in a ‘Poznan’ ,
26th May 2011
don’t say ‘Sure, make it a double with ice’, simply turn
your back to the screen or the pitch, put your arms around So, after a roller coaster few months of threatened legal
the shoulders of the people on either side and jump up action, vitriolic reaction and a few laughs at other teams’
and down. Simple! Watch the experts in action first! By expense, this is the last edition of “A Week In Football” for
experts, we mean the originators, see if you can find Lech the 2010-11 season.
ason. Given the dynamic nature of this
Poznan on the internet and watch them. We copied it and feature (or the writer being unable to follow a disciplined
procedure and subject matter) it seems best to discuss the
now shamelessly harangue any other team that use it,
two topics on everybody’s lips right now;
calling it “our dance”. It shows the kind of dimwit that we
attract at our club that they celebrate
ate and chant while Who could be the next Chelsea Boss?
turning their backs on the game. Although given the dross
on show while Mancini’s mercenaries defend their way Players summer jobs.

through the game in their much drilled 9-0-1


1 formation,
*Obviously the TOP topic is the Champions League Final,
who can blame them?
but as I have said before I am a jinxer, so I won’t be
mentioning that game any more.*
Of course,, in the fullness of time you’ll pick ‘The
‘T
Knowledge’ and become a diehard City fan just like the So, with Carlo Eyebrowcelotti unceremoniously sacked,
rest of us. Until we lose our money, or become the the media glare once again shines upon the oligarch with a
epicentre for a pandemic of leprosy. When we disappear shady past, Mr Roman Abramovich. Roman has allegedly
back into division 3 you will probably find a better team to invested more than £600m in Chelsea, and so I don’t think
support. Like Leigh RMI or Havantnt & Waterlooville. anyone can question his right to do what the hell he likes
with the club. I would like him to sell the entire squad and
instead send out fully kitted
itted otters to represent the rent
boys, but that at present seems a little unlikely. Seemingly
the first manager to lead Chelsea to a Premier League and
FA Cup Double was no longer good enough for the village
idiot though, and so the search begins for the next
manager. Let’s analyse the possible puppets;

‘Arry Redknapp – The bookies favourite for the role, ‘Arry


is clearly keeping his options open, telling Sky sports “I
haven’t heard anything from Chelsea that’s for sure”.
Which translated from cockney into
int English is “I jolly well
hope I do get a call from that super Abramovich chap
because despite spending millions of pounds I have fucked
it right up at Spurs now and I will have to sell all my lovely
players because no-one
one wants to play in that European
Sunday
unday League used car second-hand
second shit shield
competition.” I think it is unlikely ‘Arry will get the call,
mainly because the first thing he would do is sell Roman’s
yacht, use the funds to buy a few tonnes of weapons
grade plutonium and then swap that forr Wesley Sneijder the teams are poo.
and Emile Heskey, creaming off the profits for himself to
spend on jellied eels. John Terry – This is not a joke. Mr Chelsea, or armband-
armband
stealing, penalty-missing,
missing, crack-dealing
crack cry baby to you
Guus Hiddink – The incredibly over-rated
rated Goose is hugely and I, could well end up as the Chelsea manager. To all
indebted to Abramovich because the simple looking oil intents and purposes he already is, if things don’t
do go
thief used to payroll him when he was the coach
coa of the according to his plans he tells “Romy” and the axe is
Russian team. Originally Goose had turned down the wielded. Just take a moment of your time to imagine a
approach from the Russians; he couldn’t justify taking a management team of Terry, Lampard and Cole. Crying, pie
job where the annual salary was 15 turnips and a brisk rub eating and secret man love while carrying a fire arm.
down from a former KGB officer. Roman agreed to pay
riendship (lifetime debt) began. So, topic two — what about some summer jobs for
him personally and so the friendship
Goose is a reasonably talented coach, but has chosen to players? As we all know it is a terribly hard job playing
manage national teams in recent years so that he can football. Countless riches, afternoons off and, of course,
avoid the pressure that comes with club management. playing the game you love for a job. It’s like being a lager,
One game every two months is just about manageable for pizza and 3D telly tester as a part-time
part job while winning
a man that
hat likes to spend his spare time eating cake. the lottery every other month. But, some of our favourites
Goose will not come to the Bridge permanently though; are either looking for new employment, or should be, so
the competition for the after training pastries is too fierce. let’s try and allocate them a summer job;
Several times during his last spell at the Bridge he went
Sol Campbell – Old father time has finally told Campbell to
hungry after being beaten to the trough
rough by Francis
fuck off. The rotund ex-defender
defender has been
be taking the piss
Lampard.
out of chairmen’s wallets for a few seasons now and has
Jose Mourinho – The Special One, or the man that finally seen fit to retire. Oh, hold on, no he hasn’t. The
inherited a team of superstars, bought a few more at a Barcodes have finally shed that troublesome 18 stone that
tectonic plate shifting expense, yet could only manage to has been bothering them for ages. But what will Sol do?
with the Spanish Cup, a trophy so shit that Sergio Ramos ‘Arry needs
eds a defensive minded coach, doesn’t he? I would
chucked it under a bus in disgust. There is no way Jose will imagine if Sol sends his CV in to Daniel Levy he will snap
go back to the Bridge. He is holding out for the head cunt his hand off.
role at Citeh. Imagine the millions he would have to fritter
Dobbin van Horsie – The fiendishly grey warhorse (sorry)
away at Wastelands, he could afford any fee Real Madrid
has been fighting his brittle body for years now, and
asked for Carvalho.
although he has scored a few this season the summer
Manuel Pellegrini – Very unlikely; he was shit as a player months will surely bring on another potentially career
and coach at Liverpool. ending ailment. Expect The Sun newspaper to carry the
headline “Horsie out to pasture” as a difficult bout of
Andre Villas-Boas – Clearly Roman is thinking through the sunburn finishes Dobbin off. So what could he do to make
latest vacancy. Instead of getting someone from job club ends meet? Don’t the makers of Toy Story need a new
he is contemplating the Porto boss as his new puppet. The “Potato Head” character for the 4th film? Easy for Dobbin,
not-as-stupid-as-he-looks
looks Russian has remembered that his limbs would detach with no bother, and probably fit up
his last useful manager came from Porto and has decided his arse with no difficulty.
that the club must be a rich seam of coaching talent. What
he hasn’t realised is that a tarragon brushed carrot could Andy Carroll – Possibly the most obscene waste of money
coach Porto to the Portuguese league title
itle as the rest of since the Millennium Dome, this lanky Geordie has
nothing better to do, apart from rape and pillage quite confident that if you planted a lilac tree in the
Merseyshite since his withdrawal from the U-21
U penalty area it would score more goals over a season than
tournament. To keep him out of the slammer he needs a that. But maybe Emile has got a vocation? With the
suitable line of work. Hold on, doesn’t the X--Factor need a increased terror
ror threat in recent weeks doesn’t
gawky looking Geordie woman to judge the laughable Birmingham airport need some hefty bollards to keep folk
“singing” contest? Perfect. And hasn’t the “messiah” away from the terminals? Heskey, Bendtner and Kuyt all
Simon Cowell gone too? Then get King Kenny in to replace working in harmony to protect the public. Nice.
him. It’s like for like. Another clown with an opinion that
And that is it. After nearly six months of haranguing,
matters less than how much wee a hippo
ppo does.
taunting and piss-taking
taking it is time for a well-earned
well break.
Those are the key appointments, but a brief roundup of Look out for the Caddies & Young season review coming to
June placements tells us; 7Cantonas in the next few days. Thanks for reading, see
you next season.
Carragher – Key worker in a school for the desperately
mentally retarded. Sadly this didn’t work out last summer
as the full-time
time staff had to stick post it notes to
t his
forehead to tell him apart from the patients.

Tevez – Kettleneck will quite possibly be giving donkey


rides on the Costa Dorado. Unless Citeh keep hold of him,
in which case it will be Southport beach. Or maybe the
club shop will release a “pin the tail
ail on the Tevez” game
and he will be tasked with marketing it.

Crouch – After his own goal cost the defensively inept


(until Sol arrives) Spurs their Champions League place, it is
likely that he will be spending his summer hiding ‘Arry’s
tax returns. That’s
’s the beauty of Crouch, if he hides them
in the branches of a tree, or the chimney of a cottage, who
the fuck else is going to find them?

Robbie Keane – Surely he is nearing the end of his time.


Did he retire after Berbatov was sold? There can’t be many
more
ore clubs that he dreamed of playing for as a kid? Maybe
he could be a careers teacher? I have always wanted to be
a train driver… no, a sandwich maker… wait, actually a
chicken plucker etc etc.

Emile Heskey – Has the bell finally tolled for poor old
Heskey? If it wasn’t for the wages surely the sheer
embarrassment would have finished him years ago. Emile
William Ivanhoe Heskey has scored 116 league goals in 518
appearances. Not “shoot him with a blunt knife” bad,
apart from the fact that he has only mustered
ed 37 of these
in the last eight seasons. Just over 4.5 goals
als a season, I am