Professional Documents
Culture Documents
Introduction
The current operating stage for survivors is the stage in which they tend to be
strongest (i.e., a majority of their ego states are operating at this stage). Although
life events may temporarily trigger shifting to earlier, or later stages, there is a
tendency to return to the current operating stage. In order for survivors to shift
toward a later stage, it is necessary for individual ego states within them to
advance from one stage of healing to the next. A primary purpose of
psychotherapy may be to assist survivors to reduce the amount of time they spend
in Stages One, Two and Three, as well as to increase the portion of time they
spend in Stages Four and Five.
The fifth assumption proposes three conditions, which are a part of
movement through the stages of healing and empowerment. The first of these
three conditions exists at birth. This model assumes the relative perfection,
innocence and helplessness of all newborn infants. According to this model,
children are born with physical or psychological strengths, weaknesses and
personality traits. Otherwise they are perfect, and fully dependent on caretakers
for their safety, care and wellbeing.
The second experiential condition, for survivors of child abuse, is the
presence of dysfunctional family patterns, which eventually lead to abusive
behaviors. The disturbed family dynamics and abuse prevent children from
developing healthy self-esteem, or self-control and empowerment. In essence, the
child is victim -"ized".
In an attempt to manage the intense emotions that often result from abuse,
many children “survive” by creating the third condition, which I call "naive
happiness". In an apparent attempt to survive and normalize unthinkable
childhood experiences, children may repress or dissociate (i.e., “disown”) the
memories of their abuse and create instead false realities of “blissful normalcy.”
Survivors of abuse, operating from this illusory state of mind, might respond to
questions regarding how they are with something like, "Everything is fine. Why do
Each of the Five Stages of Healing and Empowerment will be explored in the
following manner. First, we will list the constellation of emotions that tend to
characterize the key issues of the stage. Second, the defining characteristics of
each stage will be described with respect to the following: 1) The survivors’ sense
of the source of their personal power; 2) Their sense of control over themselves
and others; 3) The nature and manner of deployment of the boundaries survivors
use to defend themselves; 4) The survivors’ relationship to their life "story" (e.g.,
what stories do they tell about the abuse and its effect on them?). The discussion
of Stage One, because of its basic nature and function, does not follow this
pattern.
Stage One: Becoming Aware of the Problem: "I have this nagging sense that
something is wrong."
Prior to initiating the process of healing, survivors are often well established
in a state of naive happiness, described previously, which seems to assist them to
live through the suffering and trauma of their childhoods. Survivors may begin to
emerge from this state of denial as they experience a gradually increasing
awareness of an unresolved problem. This stage typically involves two phases: A)
A growing sense of the magnitude of the problem and pain, often accompanied by
a sense of confused disorientation; and B) An increasingly insistent motivation for
change. The memories and emotions, that were suppressed, now seem to make
their presence felt. Much like a toothache, the symptoms are, at first, ßeasily
ignored or alleviated. Over time the ache intensifies until, as the saying goes,
"When the tooth huts bad enough you go to the dentist." Survivors who enter
Stage One of the healing process gradually come to the realization that something
is very wrong and that something needs to be done.
Stage Four: Resolving the Past and Embracing Empowerment: "I am secure in
my world."
Stage Four is divided into two phases. First comes an awareness that "living
in" the fear, pain, shame, and anger of Stages Two and Three no longer serves
these survivors in their lives – from that awareness emerges a gradually increasing
determination to transcend the past and move forward into empowerment.
Survivors with ego states moving into Stage Four have begun coming to
terms with the necessity of going back into the unresolved emotional issues of
Stages Two and Three. This return does not constitute a repetition of the abuse-
related pain, fear and anger, but rather a resolution of them by discovering,
acknowledging, overcoming and releasing their painful realities. As someone has
stated, for healing and empowerment to eventually replace victimization and
resentment, "the only way out is through."
This decision to “dig up” old memories, with their pain, fear, denial, and
anger that are connected to abuse is one of the most difficult choices that survivors
will ever have to make. It is also crucial to healing and to becoming empowered.
It will take considerable courage, determination, and willpower to return to the
issues that were so successfully tucked away inside, “never to be spoken of again.”
Internal beliefs and convictions will loudly express their sincere and eloquent
arguments against these thoughts of re-opening “Pandora’s box.” Given the
potentially life-threatening nature of abuse, avoidance and hostility were valid life-
preserving activities. It will likely be argued that any changes to these once-
essential defenses will lead to disaster.
By considering the options – survival VS healing and empowerment – many
survivors find the needed incentive to assist ego states mired in Stages Two and
Three to move forward. It is imperative, however, to keep very clearly in mind
that Stage Four survivors must honor, respect and reverence the purposes served
by the ego states that stayed behind. They took upon themselves the fear, the pain,
the abusive memories, and the sense of helplessness and despair. They did this
because, from their perspective, the self could not survive those overwhelming
memories and emotions. Survivors and those who would assist them need to keep
in mind and acknowledge the amazing courage and love that these early stage ego
states possessed. The are worthy of being honored for their essential role in
keeping the “bad stuff” until these survivors have moved along the healing path
sufficiently to be able to take it back.
Survivors will do well to seek out therapists, caregivers and other supportive
individuals who can offer needed encouragement to “go back,” and support during
Stage Five: Opening to Love and "Enlightenment": "I am lovingly at peace, with
myself, and with others."
Stage Five represents the most advanced level of healing, personal
empowerment, and transcendence over the abuse of the past. Ego states in this
Stage have progressed through all prior stages and are becoming open to deeper
and more intimate relationships with themselves and with others. Whereas fear
was the prime issue of Stage Two, love is the primary force of Stage Five. The
love referred to here is similar to that described by M. Scott Peck17 as, " . . . the
will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's
spiritual growth.” Individuals operating at this level have a capacity for and desire
to interact with others in relationships where the goals of the group ensure the
growth and wellbeing of all members of the community. Because this is the most
advanced stage of the healing process, it is also the least likely for survivors to
experience, and is not easily maintained, despite its empowered condition.
Ultimately the healing goal for any survivor is to increase the amount of time
spent in Stages Four and Five.
Key emotional issues. The fundamental emotional issues of Stage Five are
love, harmony and reverence. We employed M. Scott Peck’s definition of love
above and we revisit it here. Harmony is experienced as a sense of balance
emerging from a centered place of strength and inner peace. Reverence is a
complex sense of deep appreciation for the self, others and life, which embodies
honor, respect and love. All life is sacred and is to be reverenced. All living
beings are considered part of a whole that, at its best, is in harmonious interaction.
Sense of power. For survivors in Stage Five power emanates from the heart
as a healing energy flow. Fear and anger have been replaced by love and
compassion. The power of this stage is the healing power of love.
Sense of control. Stage Five survivors are in harmonious balance with
themselves, and have little need for controlling others. The enlightened nature of
this stage creates a natural drawing force to others, who are attracted instinctively
to the healing energy that emanates from these individuals.
Deployment of boundaries to defend the self. Survivors in Stage Five have
resolved much of the fear, pain, anger and other issues that led them to build solid
boundaries for protection. At this level boundaries are deployed only as necessary
Summary
Endnotes
ii
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iv
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v
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vii
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viii
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ix
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x
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xi
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xii
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