This is a small collection of some of my lyrics and poetry.

You may notice that they are signed either ‘Jimmy lee’ or ‘Rysmorr’. Those are both me. The first is a childhood nickname, and the latter a name my great grandmother gave me in a dream. This collection is some of my later work. Though I do enjoy my earlier writing, I’m not really sure where I left them. I write when the muse strikes, and sometimes it’s in the middle of McDonald’s and all I have to write on is a greasy napkin. So as you can guess, some of my earlier stuff hasn’t survived very well. Ah well, they served their purpose, which was to make me feel better at the time.

Some of these lyric and poems I used in my blog on MySpace, and I’ve left the annotations in because I think it brings a bit of clarity to my otherwise chaotic writings. I hope you enjoy reading them, and that you find some solace in their embrace.

James Markstahler Jr.

Table of contents:

A Moment (Tammy's Song) A Thought on Life Beneath the Mountain Broken Donovan Free Fall Lover Goodnight My Love I like the Pain Lonely Nights My life of Dream One More Try Rock God Would you Still Love Me?

A Snippet of Thought Back to Reality Beyond the Edge Chemically Happy Eye of the Storm Golden Sands Hate the way I Feel Ink in a Jar Love Note Never Me Riding the Storm The ID in Love

A Moment (Tammy’s song) Jimmy Lee 5-2-2009

There’s a moment child, Somewhere out there for you, Lost among, All the things you must do. There’s a moment child, So perfect and pure, And this moment child, This moment is all yours. … So hold it tightly in your hand, Make the most of what you have, And know that this too, Will not be taken from you. … This is your moment child, Your time has come at last, A brief respite, From the pain of the past. This moment child,

So perfect and so pure, This moment child, This moment is all yours. … So hold it tightly in your hand, Make the most of what you have, And know that this too, Will not be taken from you. … This moment child, That you hold so dear, A talisman, Against all you fear, This moment child, So perfect and so pure, This moment child, This moment is all yours. … So hold it tightly in your hand, Make the most of what you have, And know that this too, Will not be taken from you. … There’s a moment child,

Somewhere waiting for you. Table of Contents

A Snippet of Thought Jimmy Lee 08-16-2008

Two leaves blown together, Down a dusty road, Laughing, together and apart, But always down the road.

Together they love, Together mourn, Bound together forever, But never together bound.

For all those who've ever loved someone, who, for one reason or another, can't love them in the same fashion. Table of Contents

A Thought on Life Jimmy Lee 10-13-2008

There is, in all things compromise, In war, in life, in a lover’s sigh, And all down through history, With the use of hindsight, do we see, That nothing ever comes from naught, A harsh lesson, we each are taught. One must strive, and ever reach, To attain, the dreams we seek. Yet, before we grasp our valued prize, We must pay the price in compromise.

And the Fates, it would seem, are merchants born, for, in most cases, the price for attaining one’s dream is directly proportional to how fiercely one desired the dream. Table of Contents

Back to Reality Jimmy Lee Date:? She parts the curtains of her efficiency, Just to catch a glimpse of reality. The booze is bad and the needle's worse, Can't find a vein that doesn't hurt. And she cries for all the friends who died, Along the way, Back to reality. Just another night in his prison cell, Safe and sound in his own little hell. The voices scream out loud while he raves, No one left to hear, no one left to hate, And he cries for all the friends who died, Along the way, Back to reality. Table of Contents

Beneath the Mountain Jimmy Lee Date:? Rain falls like moonlight, Upon the window pane, Bathe myself in memory, Try to wash away the stain, That my heart in loving you, Has left upon my soul. Lord, let me forget, The things I should not know. Ice melts in whiskey, I drink to my past. Why do the sweet things, Never seem to last? … Beneath the mountain, Below the sea, Underneath the stars, Memories to be. I'm going nowhere fast, Got to make it last, Load the pipe again, Sink deeper into sin. … Rain falls in the desert, And a garden blooms. Years locked in a prison, It knows to well its doom. Fighting for the right to live, Only the strong survive. God, I would give anything, Just to feel alive. … Beneath the mountain, Below the sea, Underneath the stars, Memories to be.

I'm going nowhere fast, Got to make it last, Load the pipe again, Sink deeper into sin. … And darkness shines, In my mind, My eyes see, Though they are blind. The question knows the answers, The answers know the feel, Pain is no mystery, The truth a bitter pill. … Beneath the mountain, Below the sea, Underneath the stars, Memories to be. I'm going nowhere fast, Got to make it last, Load the pipe again, Sink deeper into sin. … The last part of forever, Is always goodbye. Your last drink of love, Will be the tears you cry. … Beneath the mountain, Below the sea, Underneath the stars, Memories to be. I'm going nowhere fast, Got to make it last, Load the pipe again, Sink deeper into sin. Yes, I know. Dark and morose; but if you will remember one of my earlier posts, men generally have no coping mechanism for their darker emotions. I know how to act when I'm happy. Poems like this are what you get when I'm not. Please put the knife down.        Table of Contents

Sometimes a situation becomes too much to handle, and your heart develops tunnel vision. All you can feel is despair and anguish. Like a giant fist crushing your chest. At times it becomes hard just to remember to breathe. You become desperate to put an end to negative feelings. "Anything," you think to yourself, "I'll do anything to make it stop." Keeping faith and hope alive during this is difficult, to say the least. I don't think time does heal all wounds, I think you just get used to the pain, and learn to live with that awful hollow feeling. Beyond the Edge Jimmy Lee 05-19-2008 Beyond the edge of ecstasy, Lay a chasm full of pain, Dark and secret are its depths, Cradle the insane. I'm told that it's a crucible, Through it I will change. Just a simple leap of faith, And I'll never feel the chain. To jump is such a simple act, All it takes is trust. Yet feeding all my hopes and dreams, My trust has been used up. I do not even trust myself, To know the way I feel. So instead of leaping in good faith, I stumble and I kneel. Beyond the edge of friendship, Lies the crucible of love, Dark and secret are its depths, Yet all it takes is trust. Strange what one can find inside a vacuum. Table of Contents

Hate is such a hard thing to do. Much more difficult to maintain than you would think it was. I've long held the belief, that the capacity to hate a given individual is directly proportional to your capacity to love them. Vis-à-vis; you have to love them to hate them. Luckily for us, love can be abused to the point where it wears thin, and in the end, that last surge of rage simply burns the capacity out of us. Therefore; the worst thing you can possibly do to someone, to anyone, is simply not to care. Broken Jimmy Lee 06-08-2008 Crystal shattered lovingly, Is broken still, I fear. No matter how you fit the pieces, It will not mend my Dear. To be broken so in heart and soul, Can one find the beauty there? I thought that I was holding dreams, And found I was only holding air. In a moment, with a scream so pure, Love was yanked out at the roots. The next time you step on my heart, I'll try not to bleed on your boots. One must have a bit of a sense of humor when your heart goes numb. It brings about a type of clarity. Gladly, this has only happened once in my life. And believe me, once is more than enough. Hell, who am I kidding? Lying to myself is more like it. It will most likely happen again. After all, I am that damned gullible. Table of Contents

Chemically Happy Jimmy Lee 05-27-2008 I stare into the chaos, That's become my mind. Trying to stay calm, And keep my heart in line. The torment in my soul, So familiar by now. I hold onto hope, 'cause that's all I have now. … I try not to give into, These feelings for you, I know that my pain, Is not all due to you. But it's hard not to let, Bitterness shine through. So I will put on the mask, And keep up the act, And I time my next fix, So you won't see me like this, And if you'll never be able to want me, I'm chemically happy. .. I force myself to be, What you need me to be. 'Cause that's the only way, You will interact with me. And I listen to you, While you pour out your soul, Silently screaming, It's me you need to hold, Onto. … I try not to give into, These feelings for you, I know that my pain,

Is not all due to you. But it's hard not to let, Bitterness shine through. So I will put on the mask, And keep up the act, And I time my next fix, So you won't see me like this, And if you'll never be able to want me, I'm chemically happy. … Silently screaming, Chemically happy, Quietly dying, Chemically happy. … I try not to give into, These feelings for you, I know that my pain, Is not all due to you. But it's hard not to let, Bitterness shine through. So put on the mask, And keep up the act, And I time my next fix, So you can see me like this, And if you'll never be able to want me, I'm chemically happy. Table of Contents

A poem for my son:

Donovan Jimmy Lee 04-09-2001 Into this world I bring you, And then I let you down. I hope you will forgive me, When that time comes around. But if you find, That it's easier to hate, I will understand, But I'll never go away. … They call it love for a reason, And now I know it's true, I never knew what I didn't have, Until I had you. … So I will hold your hand, Through the pain and the fear, And I will be the one, Who will always care. Every dream I've ever had, I realize in you. You are my ever after, You are what pulls me through, So if you ever, Feel that no one’s there, Simply call my name, And I will face your fears. … They call it love for a reason, And now I know it's true, I never knew what I didn't have, Until I had you. … So I will hold your hand,

Through the pain and the fear, And I will be the one, Who will always care. Daddy loves you. Table of Contents

Eye of the Storm Jimmy Lee 05-21-2008 Gently blows the breeze now, The sky above is clear. Looking at the road behind me, I see reasons for my tears. A calming breathe informs me, That I am still alive, The storms still rage inside me, But I have reached the eye. I know that this, brief interlude, Only lets me gather strength. The world is still and beautiful, Like a tiger as it waits. Upon the road, ahead I see, The storm will come again, So I take solace in the now, And revel with my friends. 'We are alive,' I declare, 'We've been tested and found true. Though we have suffered and felt loss, We have gained so much too.' Hand in hand my loved ones laugh, And turn to face the fore. Together we are strong enough, We can weather any storm. I cannot express enough, the importance of friends and family in times of adversity. It has recently been explained to me, what the absence of that support feels like. Simply trying to imagine it was a very lonely feeling. Take a moment to contemplate your own support network. Try to bring to mind all the people you rely on. Now imagine them gone from your life. Makes you appreciate the little things, eh? I know after I thought about it like that, all my petty little problems really didn't seem that big any more. Made me appreciate what a truly blessed life I've led, and still lead. Like many people, I may not have a clear idea of where I'm going in this life, but I know if I stumble along the way, someone will help me up,

dust me off, and get me going again. To all of you, who pick up, thank you from all of us that fall. Table of Contents

Free Fall Lover Rysmorr 05-20-2003 I'm one step closer to the, Edge of the mountain where I, Went, to be alone with God. I asked for revelations, He gave me reservations, All about this life I got. He said, 'Don't worry man, Leave it all in my hands,' But that feels like giving up. I won't shed a tear, Shove it in, and keep it there, I'll understand when, I grow up. … My future is a free fall, Wind rushing, cliff is tall, One glimpse of beauty, and that's all. Where do I go from here? Struggling in open air, Just let darkness take me there. … The moon on the water, calls my name, The shadow in the corner, keeping me sane, If I venture into sunlight, Will I just fade away? Or will you hold my hand, Help me face the day? … My future is a free fall, Wind rushing, cliff is tall, One glimpse of beauty and that's all. Where do I go from here? Struggling in open air, Just let darkness take me there. … On the edge I see,

Death is reality, Close my heart, and lock it tight, Demons won't get in at night, And now I've gone and lost the key. … My future is a free fall, Wind rushing, cliff is tall, One glimpse of beauty and that's all. Where do I go from here? Struggling in open air, Just let darkness take me there. One glimpse of beauty, No more air. Table of Contents

Golden sands Jimmy Lee 04-12-1998 I walk upon the ancient shores, And think of those that came before. Upon my breast an open sore, Bleeding memories on the shore. Golden sands keep pace with time, Memories cause the stars to shine, Upon the beach falls quantum wine, Inebriated I drink of time. Phantoms tell tales life of old, Before men's minds were bought and sold. Oh how time repeats its goals, From life to life before time was old. One of the few poems I've written that still calms me when I read it. New situations in life always give it renewed meaning for me. It also sparked one of my favorite songs from my old band, Two Rivers. Table of Contents

Goodnight My Love Jimmy Lee 10-14-2008

Where have you gone, my love, my life? You never call, just to say goodnight. ‘Tis true, I bade you stay, Away, I could no longer bear the pain, To love someone who loves me not the same. And, yet, I find I miss you love, Nigh unto agony. I worry it, like an ulcered tooth, E’en though it brings me pain. I miss the way you make me laugh, The illusion that you cast, That let me ‘scape to fantasy. Now without you I feel lost, Life is worthless, left to rot, In inattentive apathy, Yet, I spread a thin veneer, My Dear, ‘pon the dredging of my life, A spot of spirit for fortitude,

And an act that all is right. And scripted into loneliness, Are memories of thee, Bittersweet, this pill I take, To set my soul at ease. Like an addict, chasing opiated dreams, I seek the numbing of my mind, To quench the fires of love bereaved. And still I find I miss you love, The last thought, ‘fore darkness claims its goal, I wonder if you miss me too, This deeply in your soul. Goodnight, Love.

Table of Contents

Hate the Way I Feel Jimmy Lee 07-04-2009

I can’t stand here, Right beside you, And not tell you, How I feel. I hate the way, You make me feel, The hot hand of hate, Gives me chills.

Your love for me, Takes me away from myself. My love for you, Won’t let me hold on myself. I hate the way, You make me feel, Like losing control, Is all that’s real.

And I love the way, That you make me, Hate the way I feel.

I promised me, Never again, Would I lose me, You only need a friend, I hate the way, I’m falling again, The way you catch me, Should be a sin.

Your love for me, Takes me away from myself. My love for you, Won’t let me hold on myself. I hate the way, You make me feel, Like losing control, Is all that’s real, And I love the way,

That you make me, Hate the way I feel.

Just one more time, Is all I have, To give to you, Before I crash. And while I learn, To love again, I hate the fear, This might be the end.

Your love for me, Takes me away from myself. My love for you, Won’t let me hold on myself. I hate the way, You make me feel, Like losing control, Is all that’s real, And I love the way, That you make me,

Hate the way I feel. Table of Contents

I like the pain Jimmy lee 5-4-2009

It’s strange what I believe, Death and destiny They may be the same, Maybe I like the pain.

Two hands to hold it tight, One look to realize, My grin is insane, I think I like the pain.

I’m tired of all the cryin’, Just get to the dyin’ If it’s all the same, I really like the pain.

Tell me a tale of woe, Sing a song no one knows, How much you hurt inside,

I want to taste your cries.

Now that you realize, No matter how you try, You’re losing this game, I thrill at your shame.

And when you believe, Death and destiny, Are one and the same, I will eat your pain.

If this is all a dream, Never wake me please, I love what I see, In your cold dead eyes.

I love what I see, When you die for me, And clarity came, Maybe I like the pain. Table of Contents

Ink in a Jar Jimmy Lee 05-16-2008 My heart is like a well read book, Dog-eared in the places I visit most. Joys, pain, embarrassment, Wistful dreams and deep lament, The story of my life is written there. Each day a chapter, the plot never clear, I follow myself through hope and fear, Love and loss, indifference and care. Not the greatest story I've ever read, Yet not the worst by far. So why have I now closed the book, Keeping the ink within a jar? Perhaps I fear for the hero, Though his trials are not that great, I fear to read of hardship, So my plan, to keep him safe, Is to close the book we've written, The hero and myself, And still I feel the story continue, Writing by itself. Table of Contents

Lonely Nights Jimmy Lee 08-08-08

Lonely nights filled with empty wishes, And all I see when I close my eyes, Is what might have been If we could get it right, If we could start all over, And forget this fight.

Yesterday and the day before, I kicked myself for walking out the door. The things I should have done, Things I left unsaid, Don't really matter now That the fire's dead,

And that doesn't hurt so much, As the fact that we both gave up. Forever doesn't mean what it used to, I'm sorry is just another platitude,

The hugs and the kisses are gone, But the hurt still lingers on.

I never told you, Why I think you're wrong, You never asked me, To just hang on, When I said it's going to be ok, You thought I was cute for being brave.

I never thought that I would let go, But it wasn't me you wanted to hold. Lonely nights filled with empty dreams, I close my eyes and see the could-have-been. Table of Contents

Love Note Jimmy Lee 03.25.2009

There’s evidence of my failure, There’s evidence of my lies, There’s evidence of my broken heart, Lurking in your eyes.

You say you understand me, But there’s no way you can. I haven’t told you everything, That makes me what I am. You tell me that you love me, And that will never change, But if you got to know me, Would the story would end the same?

There’s evidence of my failure, There’s evidence of my lies, There’s evidence of my broken heart, Lurking in your eyes.

Even when you’re happy, Your eyes look so sad. To think I may have caused you pain, Makes me feel so mad. You are better off without me, Go live your life in peace. You are not my white night, And I wanted to believe.

There’s evidence of my failure, There’s evidence of my lies, There’s evidence of my broken heart, Lurking in your eyes.

We can never go back, To what we had before, There’s too much between us, And both our hearts are sore. But if you still can love me, Then I can be your friend,

And I will do all I can, To help your heart mend.

There’s evidence of my failure, There’s evidence of my lies, There’s evidence of my broken heart, Lurking in your eyes. Table of Contents

My Life of Dream Jimmy Lee 10-20-2008

I foreswear that, which the morning may bring, And, instead, nestle in my dreams, Where all manner of thing are bright, And happiness is mine for another night. No restless mussing of the day, And fear and strife fade away, Nor will I be called upon, To answer to the world anon, The questions I have answered afore, If the answers do not suit, question no more. Leave me to my sweet delight, The peace that I have found in night, Nightmares forgotten easily, But, so too, the sweetling dreams, And so I’ll stay upon my bed, And chase contentment in my head.

At last, when I am forced to rise, May my dreams lend me their strength for a time? As I reluctantly face a life, I cannot change no matter what I try, Yet will strive to all the same it seems, ‘Til my life reflects my dreams. Table of Contents

Never me Jimmy lee 9-15-2009

She sees your picture, she cries, And every time I hear her, I die a little, deep inside. How long before she forgets, How long do I have to wait this time? How long before she’s mine?

You never once dried her eyes, You never held her through the night, While nightmares claimed her life, You never wanted her heart, You walked away and left her, I was there to protect her,

But it was never me and always you! She always forgave and I tried too,

But it was never me and always you!

Leaving bruises on her soul, How did I heal the hurt you sowed? I was only ten years old. Much too young to be a man, Much too old to trust again, I gave her everything you can’t. How long before she accepts, I am everything you lack, When do I get my mother back? And when will it be my time, For her to hold me while I cry, And heal the hurt caused by your lie?

But it was never me and always you! She always forgave and I tried too, But it was never me and always you! Table of Contents

One More Try Jimmy Lee 10-17-2008

One of my first memories, Growin’ up as a lad, Was skinnin’ my knee, And getting’ brushed off by dad. He didn’t laugh at me, As I sat there and cried, Just put me back on my feet, Said, ‘Give it one more try.’

My best friend died, When he was twenty-three, I thought the world would end, ‘Till my mother hugged me, She said, ‘I know you’re hurtin’, But this pain won’t last. Get all your cryin’ done, And don’t live in the past.’

Life is made of highs and lows, Giddy happiness and shocking hard blows, But you gotta keep climbin’, Hand over hand, And every time you fall, Look for a soft place to land. And if, along the way, You hear somebody cry, Try to put them back on their feet, And say, ‘Give it one more try.’ Table of Contents

I don't know how most people deal with negative emotions. I find it better to make something useful out of them.

Riding the Storm Jimmy Lee 05-05-2008

I see the storm clouds risin', I see them fill the sky, I see the lightnin' strikin', I see I can't survive. … So much of what I say, So much of what I do, So much of what I am, All depends on you. … I hear the thunder rollin', I slowly close my eyes, I hear the waves a breakin', Make a wish and let it fly. …

So much of what I say, So much of what I do, So much of what I am, All depends on you. … I can't go on thinkin', Our love was just a lie, 'Cause if I start believin', Our love will surely die. … So much of what I say, So much of what I do, So much of what I am, All depends on you. … One last hope, one last chance, One last fumble at romance, One last kiss, one more goodbye, I slowly close my eyes. Make a wish, and let it fly. Table of Contents

And that is why men watch movies with explosions in them. Not that we don't like a sappy romance every now and again. We simply lack the coping mechanism for them. Some find release in an addiction to adrenaline and endorphins. Some seek the solace of the woods or a lake shore. And some idiots, like myself, bottle it all up and let it stew until something has to be done to relieve the pressure. Welcome to my overflow, everyone!

Rock God Jimmy Lee 7-04-2009

I want you to kneel before me, Give me your heart, worship me, I want you to bow before me, Give praise to my majesty. I want you all to love me, And if you will obey, I will love each one of you, And give you everything.

I am a rock god living, I feast upon your dreams, A rock god living, Larger than reality, I am a rock god living,

Everyone wants to be me, A rock god living, Tonight I set you free!!

Your soul is such a precious thing, Gave to me and I guard it well, Open your mind to my words, I’ll see you all through hell. Reach out your hands to touch me, Come on now you’re almost there, Tell me, can you feel my power? I give you license not to care.

I am a rock god living, I feast upon your dreams, A rock god living, Larger than reality, I am a rock god living, Everyone wants to be me, A rock god living, Tonight I set you free!!

For one night and one night only, Anything your little heart’s desire, All you need do is covet me, I will set this stage afire. I will bare myself for you, You worship me from afar, And the only thing I ask of you, Give me everything you are!

I am a rock god living, I feast upon your dreams, A rock god living, Larger than reality, I am a rock god living, Everyone wants to be me, A rock god living, Tonight I set you free!! Table of Contents

The ID in Love Jimmy Lee 10-23-2008

I put my heart upon a pedestal, And deemed it perfect and complete. I worshiped all I loved, From beneath the feet, Of those that stood it’s equal, So far above me. I groveled and I cringed, When they would stoop to pull me high, And curse them for their arrogance, When they would just walk by. Damn me for the fool I am, And foolish ideology, That allowed me to place myself, So far below ME. Table of Contents

Late at night, doubts plague my mind. This is what comes of those random musings.

Would you still love me? Jimmy Lee 05-07-2008

Would you still love me? If tomorrow I cried, For everything that should have been, And dreams that have died? If I woke to morning laughter, And startled you awake, Would you still love me? With that absurd look on my face? Would you still love me? If I pushed you away, Not knowing why I'm doing it, Just knowing I need space? If, as I always do, I let the blackness claim my mood, Would you still love me?

Knowing there's nothing you can do? Would you still love me? After everything I've done, If I confess to you, I know that you're the one? The one I want to hold me, When I'm in misery. The one I always count on, To come back to me. The one I want to laugh with, The one I can't live without, Would you still love me? When I can't love myself?

A small nugget of truth young readers? You like someone for their strengths, but you love someone for their faults. Enjoy. Table of Contents

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