親職與青少年成長 Parenting & Teens Development

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親職 與 青少年成長
讓孩子能夠高飛! Enable Children to Fly High!
給父母和教師的個人成長月刊 Personal Development Monthly for parents & teachers

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Parenting & Teens Development

您是那一類型的父母?
Do You Know Your Parenting Style?

By Photos8.com

親職與青少年成長 Parenting & Teens Development

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【親職 與 青少年成長】是向公眾免費提供的個人成長電子月刊 ——
支持父母和教師的持續成長與發展。 今天,讓我們有效地支持孩子的成長與發展。 明天,讓孩子在面對更嚴峻挑戰的環境下,能夠高飛,成為自己的人 生領袖,創造理想目標,成就豐盛人生! 目錄
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Parenting & Teens Development is a free monthly e-magazine in
Personal Development, serving the needs of parents and teachers in continuous growth and development. Today, let us effectively support our children’s growth and development, enable them to fly high in the even more challenging tomorrow, to be their own leader in life, to achieve their goals and to live fulfilling life. Contents

您是那一類型的父母? 與孩子有效溝通(一) :用愛說事實 化解與孩子的權力鬥爭 孩子說謊怎麼辦? 訓練孩子成功

p4 p10 p16 p21 p28

Do You Know Your Parenting Style? More Effective Communication with Children – Part 1 - They need the truth with love A Simple Key to Dissolving Parent-Child Power Struggles How to Deal with a Lying Teen? Training Your Child for Success

請與親友分享本月刊,讓更多的孩子可以高飛。 訂閱免費的【親職與青少年成長】個人成長月刊, 發送‘訂閱親職’到:service@trans4mind.hk

Share this magazine with friends, so we are enabling more children to fly high. Subscribe to the Free Parenting & Teens Development Monthly, send “subscribe to Parenting” to : service@trans4mind.hk

編輯 :林木培
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Editor : Tim Lam
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親職與青少年成長 Parenting & Teens Development

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像所有父母一樣,露絲無可避免地把自己的心態傳了給孩子, 而她擁有的,是“失敗者”的態度 …… 伊蒂絲長大後,與母親 一樣,總覺得自己比別人差。
~ 訓練孩子成功 (p.27)

作為父母,您需要在那方面提升?
要改善您培育孩子的模式? 從今天開始!
~ 您是那一類型的父母? (p.5)

Like all parents, she could not help passing her attitude to her kids. But hers was a "loser's" attitude …… Edith grew up with the feeling that other people are better than her, and she is inferior.
~ Training Your Child for Success (p.27)

Where Do You Need Work as a Parent? Need to modify your parenting style? Start today!
~ Do You Know Your Parenting Style? (p.5)

親職

— 至親的職責 — 讓孩子能夠高飛!

Parenting - Enable Children to Fly High!

親職與青少年成長 Parenting & Teens Development

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您是那一類型的父母?
Do You Know Your Parenting Style?
作者:托馬斯•費倫博士 Dr. Thomas Phelan 翻譯:林木培

想成為更好的父母?知道自己的培育模式,有助 您確定改善的地方。 要孩子能夠同時提升自律能力和自我價值, 父毌 需要具備高度的情感和情緒調控能力 - 既要嚴謹和有 高要求,又要關懷和體貼,絕對不容易,這是父母和孩 子的持續學習過程! 成年人的性格和情性, 令他們自然地成為某一類 的父母。
Want to be a better parent? Knowing what your current parenting style is will help you identify your needed areas for improvement. Promoting the self-discipline and self-esteem of the children in your family often requires an emotional juggling act by you as a parent. It is not easy to be firm and demanding with a child one minute, then warm and affectionate the next. This is an ongoing education process both for the parent and for the child. In addition, many adults naturally have personalities or temperaments that predispose them toward one parenting style or another.

By Photos8.com

親職與青少年成長 Parenting & Teens Development

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專制型父母
專制型父母對孩子的紀律和服從要求,達至極點。 他們採用威嚇和恐嚇手段與孩子相處,對服從和尊重的要求高於一 切。當他們要求的服從和尊重不能被滿足時,他們會非常憤怒和暴捩。在 孩子的眼裡,他們的愛和接納是帶有條件的。 他們不善於教導孩子或聆 聽孩子的想法,亦不會向孩子解釋要求的原因或道理。他們對孩子的要 求,很多時是不現實或不合理的。他們認為孩子的個性和自立是不必要的, 甚至是對他們有威脅的。 研究顯示, 專制型父母培育的孩子, 性格傾向於與人疏離, 焦慮, 不信任和不滿。這些孩子往往被同輩所忽視,而他們的自信心也往往是偏 低的。 Authoritarian Parenting
Parents who tend to overemphasize the discipline side of the equation are referred to as authoritarian. Authoritarian parents are demanding in the worst sense of the word. They are intimidators, requiring obedience and respect above all else. They become overly angry and forceful when they don’t get that obedience and respect. Their love and acceptance appear totally conditional to the child. They do not teach or listen to their kids or explain the reason for their expectations, which are frequently unrealistic. They often see their children’s individuality and independence as irrelevant or threatening. Research has shown that authoritarian parents tend to produce children who are more withdrawn, anxious, mistrustful and discontented. These children are often overlooked by their peers. Their self-esteem is often poor.

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親職與青少年成長 Parenting & Teens Development

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放任型父母
放任型父母過份強調培育孩子的自我價值。 他們溫柔地與孩子相處,支持孩子的想法,但並非優秀的紀 律執行者,就是在沒有外人的情況下,他們也甚少批評孩子的行 為。他們對孩子的要求不多也不高,亦避免處理甚或忽視孩子的惡 劣行為。他們認為孩子的成長過程中,應該沒有憤怒,哀傷或挫折。 這種培育模式,令孩子提出更多的索求並滋長了孩子的輕率和自私 行為。他們很容易便對孩子的要求讓步。因為他們設定極少的守則 和絕少限制孩子的作為,他們對孩子‘無條件’的愛和接納,是傷 害性和負面的。 研究顯示, 放任型父母培育的孩子, 性格傾向於不成熟,苛 求和依賴,並且不易被同輩接受。經常因為自己的問題和困難而怪 責他人,使他們的自我價值變得不現實和難以理解。

Permissive Parenting
Parents who overemphasize the self-esteem side of the equation are referred to as permissive. They may be warm and supportive, but they are not good disciplinarians even in the privacy of their own home. They make only weak demands for good behavior and they tend to avoid or ignore obnoxious behavior. They seem to believe that children should grow up without any anger, tears or frustrations. They reinforce demanding and inconsiderate behavior from their children and often find it easier to just give in to their child's demands. Their love and acceptance are “unconditional” in the worst sense of the word, for they set few rules or limits on what their children do. Research has shown that permissive parents tend to produce children who are more immature, demanding and dependent. These children are often rejected by their peers. Their self-esteem is often unrealistic and hard to interpret, for they often blame others for their problems and misfortunes.

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權威型父母
權威型父母能夠同時規範孩子的紀律和滿足他們的自尊需要。對於子女 的行為,權威型父母清晰地表達他們的高要求;實際和可達成的要求。他們期 望子女有良好的表現,並對優秀的表現加以贊賞。他們會在適當的時候,給與 積極正面的鼓勵。當子女的行為出現偏差的時候,他們會堅持自己設定的要求 和規律,但是,他們不會情緒失控或大發脾氣。他們是溫柔和講理的,對孩子 的需要有著敏銳的觸覺,也支持孩子的個性發展,並鼓勵孩子自立。 權威型父母培育的孩子,多數也是能幹和自立的,擁有良好的自制能力, 包容和快樂,受到同輩的歡迎與愛戴,校內表現優秀,自我價值偏高,認同自 己擁有快樂的童年。 The Authoritative Parenting Model
Parents who are able to provide for both the discipline and self-esteem needs of their youngsters are referred to as authoritative. They clearly communicate high—but not unrealistic—demands for their children’s behavior. They expect good things from their kids and reinforce those things when they occur. They also tend to give more positive encouragement at the right places. When kids act up, on the other hand, authoritative parents respond with firm limits, but without fits of temper. They are warm, reasonable and sensitive to a child’s needs. They are supportive of a child’s individuality and encourage growing independence. Authoritative parents tend to produce competent children. These kids are more self-reliant, self-controlled, content and happy. They are usually accepted and well-liked by their peers and perform better in school. Their self-esteem is good and they report having a happier childhood experience overall. 平庸的老師 好的老師 優秀的老師 偉大的老師 — — — — 訓示學生。 讓學生理解。 作學生的典範。 啟迪學生。 威廉•亞瑟•沃德 William Arthur Ward

The mediocre teacher tells. The good teacher explains. The superior teacher demonstrates. The great teacher inspires.

親職與青少年成長 Parenting & Teens Development

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作為父母,您需要在那方面提升?
邏輯推理和研究結果顯示,孩子同時需要嚴格的紀 律和情感上的支持,才能發展出健康的心理素質。 如果你發現自己是傾向於專制型的父母,你需要提 升對孩子的關懷與支持,與孩子享受更多的歡樂和樂 趣,更好地聆聽孩子的心聲和給與更多的稱贊。 另一方面,如果你發現自己是傾向於放任型的父 母,那麼你需要提升的地方是設立清晰的紀律和規則, 正視並處理孩子不良的行為。 要改善您培育孩子的模式?

從今天開始!
Where Do You Need Work as a Parent?
Logic and research, then, support the idea that children need both firm discipline and emotional support to grow up psychologically healthy. After reading the descriptions of the parenting styles above, if you found that you leaned too much toward the demanding, authoritarian style, then you need to work on the warm, supportive side of parenting. You need to have more fun with your kids, listen better and dole out more praise. If on the other hand, you leaned too much toward the permissive style, you need to work on establishing clear rules, setting limits, and confronting obnoxious behavior. Need to modify your parenting style? Start today!

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親職與青少年成長 Parenting & Teens Development

9 其它內容 Other Contents

作者簡介 About Author Dr. Thomas Phelan is the best selling author of the 1-2-3 Magic parenting program, available in books, videos and DVD at http://www.parentmagic.com. A registered clinical psychologist and an internationally renowned expert on child discipline and Attention Deficit Disorder, Dr. Phelan's books also include 1-2-3 Magic for Teachers, Surviving Your Adolescents and All About Attention Deficit Disorder.

與孩子有效溝通(一) :用愛說事實 More Effective Communication with Children Part 1 - They need the truth with love 化解與孩子的權力鬥爭 A Simple Key to Dissolving Parent-Child Power Struggles 孩子說謊怎麼辦? How to Deal with a Lying Teen 訓練孩子成功 Training Your Child for Success

托馬斯•費倫博士是註冊臨床心理學家,國際知名的兒童多動症和兒童行為專家,也是暢銷書 作者,其著作包括‘1-2-3 Magic parenting program’,‘1-2-3 Magic for Teachers’, ‘Surviving Your Adolescents’和‘All About Attention Deficit Disorder’ 。 更多關於托馬斯•費倫博士的資料,請登入網站 http://www.parentmagic.com
原文:Do You Know Your Parenting Style? © 2006 ParentMagic, Inc. 譯本:您是那一類型的父母? © 真我品位 trans4mind.hk

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與孩子有效溝通(一) :用愛說事實
More Effective Communication with Children (Part 1) : They need the truth with love
作者:羅伯特﹒埃利亞斯﹒尼占美 Robert Elias Najemy 翻譯:何偉明

現今的社會,家長和教師,跟他們負責 照顧的孩子們,彼此之間溝通上的鴻溝正不斷 地擴大。只有透過誠實和真摯的溝通,我們才 能幫助孩子成長為誠實,健康和快樂的人。一 些溝通上的基本概念會在這裡被引用,而重點 是關於與孩子的溝通 [溝通的基礎] 是有效溝 。 通的指引,適用於與孩子及所有人與人之間的 溝通。
Today we are experiencing an ever-growing communication gap between parents, teachers and the children whom they are responsible for. Only through honest and sincere communication can we help our children to become honest, healthy and happy individuals. Some of the basic concepts of communication are repeated here with emphasis on communication with children. THE BASIS OF COMMUNICATION - The guidelines for effective communication with children are, of course, the same as those for communication between all human beings.

By Photos8.com

親職與青少年成長 Parenting & Teens Development

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[溝通的基礎] - 你希望別人怎樣對待你,便怎樣對待別人。這是
有效溝通的金科玉律。要知道怎樣做,我們只需要回答:“我們希望別人 怎樣跟我們溝通?”。以下是一些建議:

(1) 坦誠
我們都希望別人對自己坦誠。沒有人喜歡謊言,也不會喜歡那些編造 的故事和藉口。我們都想聽到真相,對方真實的想法和感覺,曾經和正在 做的事情。清楚了解所面對的情況,我們會感覺更安穩,會更有能力地去 處理。這道理同樣適用於我們的兒女身上。當我們撒謊,孩子會感到不安 全,並且會不信任身邉的世界。他們也學會了說謊。這樣,溝通便無法進 行。雖然,說真話並不一定容易,但它永遠是達致心靈連繫的方法。 The basis of communication is the golden rule, "do to others as you would
like others to do to you". So we simply need to ask, "how we would like others to communicate with us?" Here are some thoughts: 在人生的旅途上,總有迷惘與困惑的時候。 【心連心-人生教練】是 真我品位 的核心服務之一, 支持您在關鍵的時刻,作出明智的決擇。 您可以通過電子郵件,免費獲得教練指引。 今天,你面對最重要的人生決擇,問題,疑惑是…

心連心 - 人生教練
Heart-to-Heart Coach

(1) Honesty
We would all like honesty from all who communicate with us. No one likes being told lies. Nor do we like people to make up stories and excuses. We would like to hear the truth about what the other is thinking, feeling or doing. We feel safer, more able to cope with any situation when we know what we are dealing with. The same holds for our children. When we tell them lies, they feel insecure and distrustful of the world around them. They learn to tell lies. There can be no communication in such a case. Although the truth might not always be the easiest response, it is always the "soul- ution"

www.trans4mind.hk

親職與青少年成長 Parenting & Teens Development

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(2) 講道理
我們都希望跟有邏輯和合理的人溝通。假如對方使用 非理性的方式說話,例如“按我說的做,不要問,我也不會 向你解釋,因為是我說的,因為我喜要這樣做,儘管不合 理”,我們一定會感到不悅。我們會覺得對方不重視我們的 感受或需要。我們會覺得他(她)不尊重我們。當我們跟孩 子下達命令或作出要求而不給予理由之時,他們亦會有相同 的感受。 孩子年紀小並不是我們拼棄理性和邏輯對話的理由。 即使不能掌握所有道理,孩子們也會感到被尊重。這一點非 常重要。

(2) Be Reasonable
We all want logical reasoning and explanations from the person who is communicating with us. If he or she speaks in an irrational way, or says, "look it will simply be done this way and I have no intention of explaining to you why; do it that way because I said so, because I want it that way, although it seems illogical", we will not feel very happy. We will feel that the other has no interest in our needs or feelings. We will feel that he or she is not respecting us. This is the way our children feel when we give orders or make statements without explaining the reasons behind them. No child is too young to be spoken to with reason and logic. Even if he or she cannot grasp all the factors involved, he or she will at least feel respected. That is extremely important.

(3) 尊重
尊重 —— 在溝通上是絕對重要的元素。我們必須尊 重自己和對方。意思是,我們不去壓制自已的意願或感受, 另一方面,我們亦不去壓制對方的。我們亦不會使用嚴苛的 說話去呼喝,批評或貶低別人。我們絶對不希望別人這樣跟 自已說話。對於呼喝和嚴苛的説話,兒童比成人更敏感,會 對他們的自我形象和安全感帶來嚴重的負面影響。 種『尊 重』得『尊重』 。當我們在孩子年幼時給予尊重,日後他們 亦會用相同的方式看待我們。如果我們經常批評,責備,貶 低或看輕他們,當孩子到了青春期,他們將會同樣地不尊重 我們。

(3) Respect
Respect is absolutely essential in communication. We need to respect both ourselves and the other. That means that on the one hand, we do not suppress that which we want or feel, and on the other, we do not suppress the other. It also means that we do not shout at, criticize or demean the others with harsh words. We would not like to be talked to in this way. Children are even more sensitive and vulnerable to shouting and harsh words. Their self-image and sense of security are seriously undermined. Respect breeds respect. When we show respect to our children during their early years they will return this behavior in the later years. If we frequently criticize, blame, demean or speak down to them, we will find that during adolescence, this lack of respect will then be returned to us.

親職與青少年成長 Parenting & Teens Development

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(4) 無條件接受
我們都希望被愛,被關心和被接受。他人無須完全 同意或接受我們所做的或所相信的。雖然有差異,但我 們可以互相接納。無條件接受是必需的,它使人與人之 間可以開放地和坦誠地溝通。 當你認為把事情告知某人後,會引至對方生氣,否 定自己或對自己抱怨,很多時候,你便不會把事情告知 這個人。孩子經常面對這些情況,也經常這樣做。 當我們不斷地批評和給與指令,漸漸地,孩子不會 再告訴我們任何事情。他們停止溝通,因為無論他們說 什麽都會受到批評。也許,他們會開始批評或否定我們 所說的。他們會作出象徵著叛逆,獨立和否定我們的信 念之行為或說話。 無論大家將會怎樣做,確保互相關愛和接納,讓坦 誠溝通的渠道保持開放。這裏所指的接納是接受對方這 個人,而並不是他(她)的行為。這項區分非常重要; 我們可以對孩子的某些信念或行為表示不滿或否定,但 我們仍然是愛護和接納孩子這個人的。

(4) Unconditional Acceptance
We all want to be loved. We want to know that the other person cares for us, accepts us. It is not necessary for them to agree with us or accept all that we do or believe. We can accept each other despite our differences. This kind of unconditional acceptance is essential for open, honest communication. If we feel that the other is going to get angry, reject us or nag me for something which we will tell him or her, then we will likely not communicate at all with that person. This is a situation children get into frequently. When we continuously criticize and advise our children, they gradually stop telling us what they are doing. They stop communicating, because whatever they will say will be criticized. Or they may start criticizing us. They start rejecting whatever we say. They may do this with words or with actions which symbolize rebellion, independence and rejection of our beliefs. Assurance that there will always be love and acceptance, whatever the one or the other may do, keeps the channel open for honest communication. We are talking about accepting the being and not every action which he or she may perform. This distinction is important. We can express our displeasure or disagreement concerning a particular belief or behavior, while still feeling love and acceptance for the child.

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(5) 言行一致
孩子們會觀察成人是否言行一致。當所說的和所做的 並不一致時,溝通的基礎便會被破壞,因為言語變得空洞和 沒有意義。

(5) Consistency
Our children look for consistency from their elders. When there is no consistency between words and actions, the basis of communication breaks down, because words have no meaning and they are empty.

(6) 雙向溝通
溝通是一個雙向的過程。我們需要學習表達意見和聆 聽。我們不喜歡與喋喋不休的人交談,因為自己沒有表達的 機會。另一方面,我們也不喜歡與全無反應的人溝通。平衡 是必要的。對大多數人而言,他們需要學習的是聆聽。孩子 需要表達的空間,發表他們的想法,他們的發現和他們的問 題。如果我們缺乏聆聽的能力,孩子將會封閉自己和/或尋 找別人交談。

(6) Two Way Communication
Communication is a two way process. We need to learn to speak and to listen. We do not like communicating with someone who talks continuously and does not allow us a chance to express ourselves. On the other hand, neither do we like it when we speak and the other does not respond. A balance is needed. Most of us need to learn to listen more. Children need a sounding board for their thoughts, discoveries and problems. If we are not capable of listening properly our children will close up and / or find someone else to talk with.

下期

on next issue

與孩子有效溝通(二) :我們時下的溝通模式

More Effective Communication with Children

Part 2 : How we communicate now

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Robert Elias Najemy is the author of over 600 articles, 400 lecture cassettes on Human Harmony and 20 books; sold over 100,000 copies. His book The Psychology of Happiness is available at http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0971011605/holisticharmo-20 and http://www.HolisticHarmony.com/psychofhappiness.html. You can download FREE articles and e-books and get guidance at http://www.HolisticHarmony.com

羅伯特﹒埃利亞斯﹒尼占美創作了 600 編以上的文章,400 套關於和諧的錄音和 20 本書;書 的銷售量已超越 100,000 本。 要獲得更多免費資料,請訪問 http://www.HolisticHarmony.com
原文:They need the truth with love © Robert Elias Najemy 譯文:用愛說事實 © 真我品位 trans4mind.hk

其它內容 Other Contents

您是那一類型的父母? Do You Know Your Parenting Style? 翻譯贊助 Translation Sponsor 化解與孩子的權力鬥爭 A Simple Key to Dissolving Parent-Child Power Struggles 孩子說謊怎麼辦? How to Deal with a Lying Teen 訓練孩子成功 Training Your Child for Success

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化解與孩子的權力鬥爭
A Simple Key to Dissolving Parent-Child Power Struggles
作者:妮可﹒麥肯齊 Nicole MacKenzie 翻譯:何偉明

在現今的家庭, 誰才是真正 的‘話事人’?孩子是否掌握了太 多的權力?教育子女讓許多家長感 覺難以應付。要不停地跟子女解 釋,爭論和談判。育兒彷弗變成是 一件令人沮喪和沒趣的事。本應是 溫馨愉快的時間卻花在苦惱的權力 角力上。
myheartfelthealing.com

Who is really "in-charge" in today's family? Do kids have too much power? Many parents today are overwhelmed when it comes to parenting. They find themselves constantly explaining, arguing and negotiating with their children. Parenting becomes frustrating and not much fun. The "quality time" is often spent in a power-struggle. Parents know they don't want to raise their children in an authoritarian, diminishing, character-crushing style. Yet, the "laissez faire" approach doesn't work either – it results in spoiled self-centered kids. The more kids get to "run the show", the harder it actually is for them to be happy and satisfied. The harder it is for them to grow up to be productive responsible adults. Is there a middle ground? A way that works for both the parent and child? Yes, happily there is. But to understand how to effectively balance freedom and discipline requires a look at the roots of kids' power struggles.

家長都不希望孩子在專制, 被忽視, 抑壓的環境下成長。但是,自由放任亦行不通 - 這樣會寵壞孩 子,使他們只曉得以自我為中心。孩子擁有愈多的‘話事權’,反而愈難 感到快樂和滿足,成長後亦更難成為具創造力和負責任的人。 要在約朿與自由之間取得平衡,尋找有效的育兒之道,便要從權力 鬥爭的根源著手。

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孩子會觸動你的“死穴”,嘗試以情緒化的行為(哭啼, 板臉,發脾氣…等)操控你,與你爭奪‘話事權’。他們引發 這些操控遊戲的目的,是要測試他們對你的情緒有多大的影響 力;這代表著他們的‘話事權’。 孩童在 1-2 歲左右便會開始測試自己有多大的‘話事 權’。同一時間,他們的“自我意識”開始形成 -- 當看著鏡 子時, 他們開始明白裡邊的反影並不是別人,而是自已。 他們會開始反對你,並不因你説的不合理,只因他們可以 這樣做。 孩童很快便會掌握到甚麽行為可以使父母屈服,並會 不斷地測試父母的底線。假若哭啼可以換來糖果,那麼,哭啼 的次數和激烈程度便會增加。 假如,哭啼經常是孩子達成目標的方法, 哭啼便會變成 習慣,你將發現孩子會不自覺地重覆這行為。表面看來,每次 都能得到想要的東西,孩子便會感到滿足和快樂。但諷刺的是, 當日子久了, 孩子的要求會越來越多,最終養成根深蒂固,難 以改變的不滿足和不快樂的處世心態。 懲罰也不會解決問題 孩子引發這些情緒操控遊戲以測試 。 自己能夠得到甚麼並不是錯,也不代表他們是壞孩子。他們只 是在探索,體驗和認識自己所身處旳世界與及自己的位置。

Children learn how to engage you into a power struggle by manipulating you with emotions (whining, pouting, tantrums, etc.). They push your "hot buttons". The goal of the manipulation game on the child's part is to see if you will engage emotionally with him – it is a measuring device of power. Children usually start to test their power between 1-2 years of age. This is the same time they start to develop a sense of self. It is the time when they no longer look at the reflection in the mirror and see another baby -they now recognize the reflection as their own self. At this point they will object to what you say, not because of reasoning, but just because they can. They quickly find out what works and will continuously push for more and more. For example, if whining will eventually get them what they think they want they will increase the whining. If, over time, the whining keeps "working", this behavior develops into a habit and the child will start doing it unconsciously. The irony is that although the child is on the surface getting what they want, they become more and more demanding and eventually develop an ingrained attitude of unhappy dissatisfaction that is hard to break. Punishment is not the answer. Children are not bad or wrong for pushing and testing to see what they can get with their emotional manipulation games. They are just exploring, experimenting and learning about the world and their place in it.

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很多時候, 孩童們是不自覺地這樣做的 他們只是在模彷 。 著其他孩子的行為或電視上看到的情景。要避免這些耗費精力 的爭鬥, 首先要向孩子説明並使他們認識到自已在幹甚麽,然 後使他們明白這是行不通的,他們不會獲得想要的東西,並讓 他們知道父母想要的是怎樣的行爲。 家長需要保持溫和但堅定不移的態度。如果你讓步,孩子 便會明白到他們的行徑是有效的 - 他們只會提升哭啼的聲量 和時間。 重要的是,家長不能被情緒牽著走。 請用非批判性的眼 光去觀察孩子的行為,然後作出適當,非情緒化,的回應。一 旦被情緒主導,客觀和理性便隨之消失,你和孩子也會成為輸 家。避免墮入情緖陷阱的最有效方法,是以好奇求知的態度去 處理問題。 以好奇求知和非批判性的態度處理孩子情緒化的訴求 就 , 如送給孩子一份價值重大,終生受用的禮物 —— 讓他們學曉 為自已引發,於其他人身上所做成的情緒影響而負責任。這不 單止避免了與孩子的權力爭鬥,還提升了孩子的情緒智商。讓 孩子學曉主宰自己的情緒,而不是讓情緒反過來控制自已。

Children often are not even aware of the emotional games they are playing. They are simply modeling what they have seen on TV or what they've seen other kids do. The first step is to point it out to them and bring their awareness to it. Then you can explain that what they are doing "doesn't work" and explain the behavior you want instead. You must be gently firm but unwavering in your commitment. If you "give in", your child will simply learn that their game really does work after all – they just need to whine louder (or cry harder, etc.) and keep at it longer. The real key is for you, the parent, to avoid getting emotionally hooked into the game - to observe the child's behavior in a non-judgmental way, and then respond appropriately instead of emotionally reacting. Once you "take it personally", your objectivity evaporates and everybody loses. The easiest way to stay out of this emotional quicksand is to shift into a mental attitude of curiosity. One of the biggest gifts you can give your child is to hold them accountable to their emotional impact on others. If done with curiosity and non-judgment – IT WILL WORK. It takes the fight out of potential power-struggles and strengthens the child's emotional intelligence. Children learn how to control their emotions instead of having their emotions control them.

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Certainly the Mom Has Fun Parenting! e-book is an excellent introduction to my program for teaching children and their parents emotional intelligence. [http://trans4mind.momhasfun.hop.clickbank.net] But there's no way around it... fundamental changes take time. I really want you to have awesome results with this system! For that I need a bit more of your time so we can go slowly and take just one small step at a time. By having a 120-day home study course, you get a very satisfying way of learning that creates the greatest and most long-lasting results: Mom Has Fun 12-Lesson Home Study Course [http://rulenumberone.com?rc=trans4mind]

對月刊內容有任何疑問或在應用上需要支 援,請發電郵與人生教練。

coach@qmcon.com

妮可﹒麥肯齊在其著作“ Mom Has Fun Parenting! ”內介紹了如何培育孩子和家長的情緒 智商。 [http://trans4mind.momhasfun.hop.clickbank.net] 但改變是需要時間的。Mom Has Fun 12-Lesson Home Study Course 是一個 120 天的自學 課程,讓你逐步提升,以達致持久的理想效果。[http://rulenumberone.com?rc=trans4mind]
原文:A Simple Key to Dissolving Parent-Child Power Struggles © Nicole MacKenzie 譯本:化解與孩子的權力鬥爭 © 真我品位 trans4mind.hk 翻譯贊助 Translation Sponsor

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其它內容 Other Contents

您是那一類型的父母? Do You Know Your Parenting Style? 與孩子有效溝通(一) :用愛說事實 More Effective Communication with Children Part 1 - They need the truth with love 孩子說謊怎麼辦? How to Deal with a Lying Teen 訓練孩子成功 Training Your Child for Success

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孩子說謊怎麼辦?
How to Deal with a Lying Teen
作者:梅根•迪瓦恩 Megan Devine 翻譯:王柳青

最近一位母親告訴我: “我 17 歲的兒子老是在說 謊;無論是關於學校的作業, 午餐吃甚麼,還是是否已經刷 牙。他有時又把事情誇大,使 我以為事情很嚴重或以為他 突然之間長大了。現在,我不 再相信他所說的任何話。他本 guardian.co.uk 性不壞,但我實在搞不懂他為 什麼總是在撒謊,尤其是,有 些時候,如果他說真話,其實是更為簡單和容易的。我該怎麼辦?” 孩子說謊令很多家長感到懊惱和困惑。不幸的是,青少年和孩童經常說 謊, 或只告訴你事實的一部份。 詹姆斯·雷曼解釋, 孩子說謊有多種原因 —— 掩飾做過的事,逃避他們不想做的事,還有就是仿效同背的行為。有時,孩 子們會因為顧及他人的感受而說些善意的謊言。我的繼子在電話裡對一位親 戚說:“信號不是很好” ,而不是直接告訴對方:“我現在不想說”。當被 問及此事時,他說是因為不想那位親戚不高興,所以沒有直說想掛掉電話。 簡單地說,就是因為說謊能夠更容易地達到目的。

"My 17 year old son lies all the time," a mother said to me recently. "He lies about his schoolwork, what he ate for lunch and whether or not he's brushed his teeth. He also exaggerates to make his stories more dramatic or to make himself sound bigger. It's come to the point where I don't take anything he says at face value. He's not a bad kid, but I just don't understand why he lies so often, especially when telling the truth would be easier. What should I do?" Dealing with lying is frustrating and confusing for many parents. Unfortunately, teens and pre-teens often lie or tell only part of the truth. James Lehman explains that kids lie for many reasons: to cover their tracks, to get out of something they don't want to do, and to fit in with their peers. Sometimes kids tell white lies to protect other people. I've heard my stepson claim a "bad connection" while speaking to a relative on the phone, rather than simply telling them, "I don't want to talk right now." When asked, he says he doesn't want to hurt that person's feelings by saying he wanted to get off the phone. Simply put, it was just easier to lie.

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有些孩子對他們認為無關重要或無須說事實的事情,只 說實情的一部份或把事情粉飾跨大,並成為了習慣。他們可能 以為,這樣做有助他們達到某些目的,或者有助他們避免某些 麻煩。像許多成年人一樣,孩子有時不那麼誠實,是因為他們 覺得事情的真相並不那麼有趣。他們說謊可能是為了獲得關 注,讓他們看起來更為能幹或更具吸引力,贏得同情和幫助, 或者因為他們缺乏解決問題的能力。

Some teens develop the habit of telling half-truths or exaggerating about things that seem completely irrelevant or unnecessary. They might think it will get them what they want, or get them out of a sticky situation. Like many adults, kids can also be less than honest at times because they think the truth isn't interesting enough. They may lie as a way to get attention, to make themselves seem more powerful or attractive to others, to get sympathy or support, or because they lack problem-solving skills.

隱瞞冒險或危險的行為
我們必須分辨清楚,孩子是在隱瞞吸毒,濫藥或其他危 險的行為,還是那些習以為常,為求一時便利的“小謊言”。 對於那些將導至或用以掩飾不安全或違法行為的謊言 我們必 , 須立即和直接處理。如果孩子的謊言與危險的事情相關,比如 涉及毒品或酒精,偷竊或其他危險的行為,你須要向相關的機 構尋求協助。

Lying about Risky or Dangerous Behavior
It's important to differentiate here between lies that cover up for drug use or other risky behavior, as opposed to "every day lies" that some teens tell just as a matter of habit or convenience. Make no mistake, lying that results in, or covers for, unsafe or illegal behavior must be addressed directly. If your child is lying about things that might be dangerous, involving drug or alcohol use, stealing, or other risky behavior, seek resources and support in your local community.

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為什麼孩子認為說謊沒甚麼大不了?
青春期是孩子的困難時期 —— 他們試圖融入周圍的 環境,覺得受到不公平的批評或限制,期望被視為能者,但卻 感到自己對任何事情也無能為力!當青少年和孩童面對這些 成長中的挑戰時,一部份的他們會認為,撒謊是應對壓力的簡 單方法。美國兒童和青少年心理科學院表示,對於孩子偶爾說 些小謊言不需要太過擔心。但是,對於長期說謊及誇大事實的 行為,我們須要關注並處理 —— 但你的那一套,可能並不是 有效的處理辦法。 很多至電“父母支援熱線” 的父母也認為說謊是一個 道德問題。但即便如此,如詹姆斯·雷曼所說,把撒謊當成一 個道德問題來處理,對解決問題毫無幫助。當你的孩子說謊 時,給他們一翻訓話,大條道理地告訴他們“說謊是錯誤行 為”, 無助於他們改變行為。大多數時候,他們根本不理會 我們的訓話!另一方面,當發現孩子習慣了說謊時,你需要面 對現實,和他們溝通並找出他們試圖通過說謊去解決的問題。 他們是否想避免某些麻煩?他們是否認為撒謊比令到別人不 快為好?謊言是否有助於他們與別人的相處?仔細地耹聽他 們的說話。

Why Doesn't My Child Care that Lying is Wrong?
Adolescence is such a tough time: trying to fit in, feeling unfairly judged or limited, wanting to be seen as powerful even while you feel completely powerless. Teens and pre-teens are navigating some pretty challenging waters. For some, lying can seem like an easy way to deal with the stress of being a teenager. According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychology, an occasional fib from a child is nothing to get too concerned about. Chronic dishonesty and exaggeration, on the other hand, should be addressed - but maybe not in the ways you think.

We talk with many people on the Parental Support Line who feel that lying is a moral issue. But even so, as James advises, treating it that way is not likely to help solve the problem. When your child tells a lie, giving a lecture about why it's wrong is probably not going to help them change their behavior. Most of the time, they're tuning out our words of wisdom anyway! On the other hand, if you feel that your child is making a habit of lying, you need to acknowledge what you see happening. Open a discussion with them and find out what problem they are trying to solve. Are they trying to avoid trouble? Do they think it's easier to lie than to risk hurting someone else? Do they believe that saying something dishonest helps them fit in? When they answer you, listen to what they have to say carefully.

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孩子以謊言來避免麻煩
在【全面轉變】課程內(#1),詹姆斯·雷曼指出,大多 數孩子之所以說謊,是因為在當刻來說,說謊看來是最好的選 擇;一時的權宜之計。當你知道孩子說謊的目的,希望從中得到 甚麼好處以後,你就可以幫助他們尋找更好的選擇。如果你的孩 子是為了避免麻煩而說謊,例如告訴你他們已經倒掉了垃圾而事 實上沒有,你要清楚地告訴他們家裡的規定,以及違反這些規定 所要承擔的後果。提醒他們,對於這些規定,他們沒有必要喜歡, 但卻必須遵守執行。告訴孩子,如果他們不遵守規定並說謊,那 麼,他們是須要為說謊而承擔額外的後果。
現在 所有 企業,機構,團體,學校,家教會…

When Kids Lie to Get out of Trouble
In The Total Transformation Program (#1), James Lehman points out that most kids lie because it's expedient--it seems like the best decision at that time. Once you understand what your child is hoping to gain from lying, you can help them come up with a better problem-solving strategy. If your child is being untruthful to get out of trouble--for example, telling you that they took out the trash when they really didn't--clearly state the rules of your house, and the consequences for breaking those rules. Remind them that they don't have to like the rules, but they do need to comply with them. You might also tell your child that if they break a rule and lie about it, there will be a separate consequence for lying.

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為說謊而說謊
如果孩子說謊的目的並不僅僅是為了避免麻煩,你便須要更深入地去了解其 中的原因。你可以對孩子這樣說:“很奇怪,我注意到你經常在一些無須說謊的情 況下說謊。比如,當我問你電話在哪里時,你說不知道,沒有拿,但我卻在你的房 間找到了。其實,如果你說實話,你便不會有麻煩的。你能告訴我為什麼要說謊 嗎?”。如果孩子把事情跨大,你可以問他:“我對這件事很感興趣,但看來有些 部份是你添加和虛構的,並非事實,你能告訴我為什麼那樣做嗎?” 我知道,你可能無法得到令你滿意的答案。對某些孩子來說,對你聳聳肩, 已經是你可以期望的最好回應了。無須教條式的訓話,只須肯定並清晰地向孩子表 示你知道他在撒謊 你便已經給孩子傳達了一個十分重要的訊息 —— 說謊並不能 , 讓他們達到目的。同時,你也讓他們知道,你已經意識到他們的不誠實行為。 一般而言,孩子並不明白撒謊有何害處。所以,你更加有必要提醒他們,不 明白和不知道撒謊有何害處,並不代表他們可以這樣做。與孩子討論甚麼是誠實和 不誠實,並討論他們選擇說謊的原因。請緊記,討論的焦點是關於孩子要解決的問 題,而不是關於說謊在道德上的問題。你不一定能夠阻止那些常見的小謊言,但你 可以向他們傳達一個訊息 —— 說謊以外,還有其他的選擇。
#1:【全面轉變】課程 The Total Transformation Program : [http://www.thetotaltransformation.com/?pcode=affiliate0206&utm_medium=webaffl&utm_so urce=affiliate0206&dsource=sas]

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Exaggerating and Lying for the Sake of Lying
If your child isn't simply lying to keep out of trouble, you might have to dig a little deeper to find out what's going on. Start by saying, "I notice that you often lie about things that seem strange to me. For example, when I asked you where the phone was, you said 'I don't know, I don't have it,' and then I found it in your room. You wouldn't have been in trouble if you'd told the truth. Can you tell me why you lied about it?" If your child is exaggerating a story, you might ask, "I was interested in your story, and then it seemed like you started to add things to it that weren't true. Can you tell me why you decided to do that?" Now I realize you may not get a great answer from your child. From some teens, a shrug is the best response you can hope for. But by acknowledging the lie without moralizing or lecturing, you are sending a powerful message to your child that being dishonest won't get them what they want. You are also letting them know that you are aware of the fact that they were being less than truthful. Kids often don't understand how hurtful lies can be. Still, you need to remind them that not knowing doesn't make it okay. Start a discussion with your child about honesty and dishonesty, and why they choose to lie. And remember, focus on the problem your child is trying to solve instead of on the morality of lying. You may not be able to stop your teen from creating those every day lies, but you can send the message that there are other options available. Now, All kinds of organizations; firms, NGOs, schools…

can have
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#1: The Total Transformation Program : [http://www.thetotaltransformation.com/?pcode=affiliate0206&utm_medium=webaffl&utm_source=affiliate02 06&dsource=sas]

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"How Dare You Lie to Me!" is reprinted with permission from The Total Transformation Program for parents. [http://www.thetotaltransformation.com/?pcode=affiliate0206&utm_medium=webaffl&utm_so urce=affiliate0206&dsource=sas] This program offers practical, real world solutions for the most challenging problems parents face: defiance, disrespect, back talk, lying, cursing, lack of motivation, acting out in school and more. In this step-by-step program you'll learn the techniques James has used in his private practice to help children take responsibility for their behavior and help parents get back in control of their homes. Megan Devine, LCPC, is a Parental Support Line Specialist and writer. She holds a Masters degree in Counseling from Antioch New England and a Master of Fine Arts from Goddard College. Megan has been in the counseling field for over 10 years. She has a children's career book in pre-publication, and has several other books in the works.

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‘孩子說謊怎麼辦’ 由‘完全轉變’課程授權轉載。 ‘完全轉變’課程是為家長而設計的自學課程。 [http://www.thetotaltransformation.com/?pcode=affiliate0206&utm_medium=we baffl&utm_source=affiliate0206&dsource=sas] 課程提供實用有效的方案,協助家長解決在教育子女方面遇到的重大難題;違 抗,無禮,反駁,說謊,咒駡,缺乏動力和在學校表現不佳等。通過漸進式的學 習,你將學到詹姆斯•雷曼的技巧;如何教導孩子對自己的行為負責任和如何重 整家庭秩序。 梅根•迪瓦恩是“父母支持熱線”的指導員和作家。她是新英格蘭安提阿大學的 心理諮詢碩士和戈達德學院的藝術碩士。梅根在心理諮詢領域擁有 10 多年的經 驗。她準備出版一本有關兒童職業發展的書,還有幾本其它的著作在編寫中。
原文:How to Deal with a Lying Teen © Megan Devine 譯本:孩子說謊怎麼辦 © 真我品位 trans4mind.hk

其它內容 Other Contents

您是那一類型的父母? Do You Know Your Parenting Style? 與孩子有效溝通(一) :用愛說事實 More Effective Communication with Children Part 1 - They need the truth with love 化解與孩子的權力鬥爭 A Simple Key to Dissolving Parent-Child Power Struggles 訓練孩子成功 Training Your Child for Success

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訓練孩子成功
Training Your Child for Success
作者:以斯帖•安德魯斯 Esther Andrews 翻譯:王柳青

不論在那個年齡段,你也會遇到一 些無論做任何事也會成功的人。不管甚麼 工作,甚麼嘗試,成功與他們也是如影隨 形,而其他的人,要麼須要付出更多的辛 勞和努力,要麼根本就得不到成功。夠 竟,這些“成功常客” 擁有甚麼其他人 不具備的特質呢?

Sometimes you meet people (of all ages) that are successful at everything they do. Whatever they touch, whatever they attempt, success is theirs. Others have to struggle and work much harder to achieve success, and yet others don't achieve success at all. What is it, that the "always successful" people have, that the others don't?
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自信
我經常跟孩子們談論他們的目標,而我常聽到他們說: “我不夠聰明”,或者“我認為自己做不到”。為什麼孩子在 這麼小的時候便這樣評價自己?孩子的自我價值越低,失敗的 可能性就越大。要孩子成為成功的人,我們須要培養他們的自 信心,“我能”的態度。 這是真的:“你認為自己是怎樣的人,你就是怎樣的 人”。如果你認為自己做得到 —— 你是對的!如果你認為自 己做不到 —— 你也是對的!我想說的是,一個人的價值,在 於他認為自己的價值是多少。換句話說,如果你認為自己能夠 成功,完成一個項目,你將會揭盡所能地去做。但如果你認為 自己不會成功,你根本不會去嘗試,這樣,你永遠也不會知道 自己能否成功。 那麼,我們怎樣讓孩子擁有“我能”的心態呢?這其實 在孩子的嬰兒期已經開始。對於每一項新的嘗試;轉身,微笑, 坐,站,走路,說話…,嬰孩也從周邊的人,尤其是父母,接 收回應。在孩子的整個成長過程中,我們給了孩子很多關於他 們是誰和他們的價值的回應。無可避免地,我們把對自已的感 受,我是誰和我的價值,傳給了孩子。

SELF CONFIDENCE.
I often have conversations with children about their goals and objectives, and often I hear young children say to me, "I am not very smart", or "I don't think that I can achieve this." How did a young child get to this opinion of themselves, so early in life? A child that has low self esteem stands the chance of failing. Self confidence, a "can do" approach that's what we want our children to develop, so that they succeed in life. It's a known saying, that whatever you think about yourself - is true. If you think that you can do - you are right. If you think that you can't - you are right! I like to say that a person is only worth what he thinks he is worth. In other words, if you think that you can achieve success in a project, you will do your best, but if you don't think you can, you will not even attempt it, and never find out if you would be successful at it or not. So how do we instill a "can do" mentality in our children? This starts very early in life! Believe it or not, your baby, when trying to achieve his first achievements in life: turning over, smiling, sitting up, standing up, making the first steps, saying the first words, is already getting feedback from his environment, and especially from you. Throughout our child's growing up years, we provide feedback about who they are, and what they are worth. We can't help it; we teach them how we feel about these issues ourselves.

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當孩子學會自己走出第一步的時候,大多數的父母也會稱贊 孩子,給予鼓勵和支持。但過了一兩年之後,我們不一定再這樣 做;我們需要提醒自己,繼續給孩子鼓勵和支援。為了強調自信 的重要性,我想舉個例子:

Most of us celebrate our baby's first steps, provide encouragement and support. But after the first year or two, we need to remember to go on and keep encouraging and supporting. I'd like to shed some light on this issue, by giving an example: Ruth, who was a great mother, a unique and talented person, did not get support in her home. When she was growing up, her parents provided the best education to her brother, but did not bother to send Ruth to a good school and to college, because she was a girl, and she was supposed to get married and be supported by a husband. Ruth grew up, feeling inferior. Like all parents, she could not help passing her attitude to her kids. But hers was a "loser's" attitude. I know that Ruth was not aware of the affect of what she was doing on her children, but she always compared her children to other kids, or other people, who always did better. For example, "Look at Michael, he is so talented and smart, always gets the best grades." "I wish I was a good a business person as Paul, he always manages his business wisely, but we are not that smart, and always make bad decisions and choices." In a very subtle way, almost not noticeable, she would react in a very surprised way, when her children achieved excellence in school. Edith came home one day, with an award, for being the best reader in her class. Yes, Ruth celebrated it, of course! She was very happy for Edith. But at the same time, she acted somewhat surprised! "You? How wonderful!" and Edith, as all smart children, also heard the subtle undertones, the unsaid words, "I would never

露絲是一位好母親,一位有個性和才華的人,但沒有得到家 人的支持。在她的成長過程中,父母為她的哥哥提供了最好的教 育,卻沒有送她去好的學校,也不讓她上大學。他們認為,女孩 子長大後便要結婚,生活是依靠丈夫的供給。露絲長大後,總覺 得自己比別人差。 像所有父母一樣,露絲無可避免地把自己的心態傳了給孩 子,而她擁有的,是“失敗者”的態度。我知道露絲並沒有意識 到她對孩子所做成的影響,但她總是拿自己的小孩跟表現更好的 其他孩子比較。比如,她會對孩子說,“看看麥克,他那麼聰明 優秀,總是拿最高分” 。“我希望自己像保羅一樣,是個成功的 商人,他很會做生意,但我們沒他那麼聰明,總是做出錯誤的決 定和選擇”。當自己的孩子表現優異時,她會非常驚訝,以不易 被察覺的隱晦態度,表達她內心的懷疑。一天,伊蒂絲獲得班裡 的‘最佳閱讀獎’。當然,露絲感到很高興並稱贊她!但同時, 露絲表現得有點驚訝:“你得獎?真的太棒了!”。就像所有聰 敏的孩子一樣,伊蒂絲聽到了母親的言外之意:“你也可以得獎,

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簡直難以至信!” 伊蒂絲長大後,與母親一樣,總覺得自己比別 人差。 如果我們希望自己的孩子成功,就要明確地讓孩子知道: “你能做到。”我們所做的一切,也要以他們的成功為依歸。千 萬不要讓孩子感覺到你懷疑他的能力,或者你懷疑他是否能夠成 功。注意你和孩子溝通的模式,避免那些會讓孩子解讀為你懷疑 他們能力的說話。

expect it!" Edith grew up with the feeling that other people are better than her, and she is inferior. If we want our children to be successful, we have to make sure we give them a very clear message: "You can do it." With everything we do, we must expect them to succeed. Never give your child the feeling that you doubt his ability. That you doubt that he will succeed. Listen to the way you talk to your child, and catch every sentence that could be interpreted as doubt.

ASSUME SUCCESS

成功設想
如果你的孩子遇到障礙,學習成績不如理想;請給予支持, 不要批評!他們每天承受來自同伴和老師的批評已經夠多了,而 你,是想支持他的!確保與孩子站在同一陣線,最重要的是,你 相信他‘能夠做到’。

If your child stumbled, and did not achieve the maximum success in an assignment - offer support. Don't criticize! Your child faces enough criticism in his everyday life, from peers, teachers...you want to offer support. Make sure your child knows that you are on his side, and most important - that you believe in him.

EXPECT SUCCESS

預期成功
如果你預期孩子成功,孩子也學會預期自己成功。很多父母 (和老師)擔心給孩子壓力。所以他們不強調成功,接受平庸。 我建議的不是給孩子壓力,而是鼓勵孩子成為優秀的人。讓孩子 清楚地知道,他們可以成為優秀的人,從而可以成功。不要比較 或批評,只須要清楚明白,你知道自己的孩子是可以成功的。如 有需要,給他們幫助和支持。

If you expect success, your child will learn to expect success too. Many parents (and teachers) are concerned about stressing a child out. So they don't encourage him to succeed, they accept mediocrity. I don't suggest putting stress on a child. I suggest encouraging a child to excel. Make clear to your child that it's possible to excel, and that he can succeed. Don't judge or criticize, just make it clear you know your child can succeed. If needed, assist your child and support.

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從能者的位置出發
教導孩子這一項是會有點困難:從能者的位置出發,而不 是受害者。相信孩子能夠成功,教育他們對結果負責和結果是取 決於他們自己。 怎麼去教育孩子這些能者的特質呢? 讓孩子理解,他的人生,取決於他自己。讓他感受到,他 是‘可以’和‘有能力’掌控自己的人生。不要學露絲的做法: “我們運氣真差,每次我們投資股市時,股市就下跌。”這是受 害者的心態。如果露絲決定承擔投資股市的風險,她要做的是對 市場進行研究分析,作出投資決定,對結果負責任。當有虧損時, 她的想法可以是:“我犯了個錯誤,我會吸取教訓,從中學習。” 告訴孩子犯錯沒什麼大不了;每個人都會犯錯。錯誤只是一個訊 息,告訴我們某些方法是行不通的。如果你的孩子碰到了火爐, 經歷了燒傷手指的痛苦,給他安慰,告訴他“熱的”。孩子會吸 取教訓,會從中學習。如果你的孩子在學校遇到錯節,回到家的 時候心情很沮喪,先給他支持和安慰,然後協助他找出下次做得 更好的方法。

COME FROM A PLACE OF POWER
This point is very hard to teach: come from a place of power, not from a place of a victim. Teach your child to take responsibility for the results. Your child can achieve success. The results depend on him. How do you teach that? Teaching a child that he is the one who determines what happens in his life, provides a feeling of control and power. Don't do what Ruth did: "We have such a bad luck, every time we invest in the stock market - the stock market crashes." This is a victim approach. If Ruth decided to take the risk of investing in the stock market, do her research and make her decisions, she needs to take responsibility and simply say: "I made a mistake, I need to learn from it." Teach your child that it's alright to make mistakes. Everybody makes mistakes. Mistakes are simply feedback for us to learn what works and what doesn't. If your baby touched the stove and experienced the pain of burning his finger, provide comfort, and simply say "hot." Your child will learn the lesson. If your child comes home from school disappointed, because something did not go his way, first provide support and comfort, then help him draw the conclusion: what is he going to do differently the next time?

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領袖與表現 02
6 月 14 日出版 堅持
教育你的孩子學會堅持,鼓勵他不要放棄。教 導這一點並不容易,所以我建議使用講故事的方法。 講故事對於孩子有類似催眠的功效。選擇那些關於堅 持,不怕逆境艱辛,最後通過努力奮鬥以達致成功的 故事。這些故事非常振奮人心,並有鼓舞作用。
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PERSISTENCE
Teach your child persistence. Encourage your child not to give up. This is not easy, so the technique I suggest for this is story telling. Story telling has a similar affect to hypnosis on children. Find children's books or stories about people who persisted, and achieved, despite adversity. These stories are very uplifting and motivating.

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成功技巧: 1. 想像力
這技巧有激勵作用。眾所周知,成功的運動員在正式 比賽前,都先會在腦海中想像自己完美地贏出競賽。引導你 的孩子在腦海中想像成功的過程。孩子們有豐富的想像力, 對他們來說,這是容易的事。你可以序述成功的過程,引導 孩子想象,把過程形象化。最佳時間是在孩子準備上床睡覺 的時候。協助孩子為第二天做好準備,談論明天他將要做的 事,讓他告訴你,當他優越地完成這些任務時,他會有什麼 感覺。就是這樣,你支持了孩子對成功進行想象,這會給他 們動力和激勵。讓你的孩子詳細描述成功的過程件,這會鼓 勵他提前做出計畫,並想像達至成功的步驟。養成這樣的習 慣,對孩子有重大的幫助。

TECHNIQUES FOR SUCCESS: 1. Visualization
This is a technique that helps with motivation. It is a known fact that successful athletes visualize themselves going through their routine in a perfect way, before they actually perform in a competition. Teach your child how to visualize his success. Children have active and strong imagination, and it is easy for them to visualize. You can "talk your child through" a visualization. The best time to do this is at the end of the day, when your child is ready to go to bed. You can plan the next day, talk about the assignments and ask your child to tell you how it will feel to perform the assignments with great success. This way you encourage your child to visualize his success, and it will motivate and encourage him. Ask your child to describe what he needs to do to succeed in detail, this will encourage your child to plan ahead, and visualize the steps he has to go through, in order to achieve success. Get into the habit of doing that. You will help your child tremendously.

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2. 與以肯定
這個技巧也同樣適用于成年人,對你的孩子會很有幫 助。你可以預先想好並寫下來,要對孩子的那些優點,表現 和貢獻給與肯定。這技巧非常有效,你可以把準備好的內 容,讀給孩子聽。每天花幾分鐘時間,坐下來想想,孩子值 得你與以肯定的地方。這方法對嬰兒同樣有效,他們的理解 能力比我們所知的要多很多,你完全可以很早便開始使用這 個方法。你的孩子每天在做什麼?任何時間,你也可以告訴 他:“你很聰明,而且每天還在進步”。經驗告訴我們,重 複三遍的肯定,會更為有效,所以,對你要給予孩子的每項 肯定,跟他說三次。 用積極的態度和當下的語調,給予孩子肯定。比如: “你很強壯和很有活力”。當你的孩子學騎自行車時,你可 以對他說:“你的協調能力很好,而且每天也在進步著” 。 以下是一句常用的肯定語:“每一天,每一方面,你也在進 步,成長和做得越來越好” 。無論你的孩子在做甚麼,你 都可以給他合適的肯定。當孩子對自己進行自我肯定,或復 述他人對自己的肯定時,那就更好了。與以肯定是增強孩子 自信心的有效工具。

2. Affirmations
This is a technique that is used often for adults, too. It can be very helpful to your child. You can plan the affirmations and write them down. Affirmations can be very effective, and you can say them to your child. Take a few minutes each day, to sit and think what affirmations you want to use that day. Please don't think that you cannot apply this technique to babies. Babies understand so much more than we know - you can definitely start using this technique at an early age. What is your child working on? "You are very smart, and you are getting smarter every day," is a good affirmation on any day. It has shown that affirmations are more effective if said 3 times. So you can make sure that you say each affirmation 3 times.

Say affirmations always in a positive way, in the present tense. For example: "You are very strong and resilient." When your child is learning to ride a bike, or play a sport, you can say to him: "You have a great coordination, and your coordination is getting better every day." A very well know affirmation is, "Every day, in every way, you are getting better, better and better." Whatever your child is engaged with at the time, you can put together an affirmation that is appropriate, and say it to your child. If you can get the child to say it to himself, or to repeat it, that is even better. Affirmations are a great tool to increase self esteem.

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Hope I gave you a few ideas. Please choose the ones that feel right to you, and try them out. Please share with me the results you observe: email Esther Andrews [mailto:esther@all-gifted-children.com]. Esther Andrews has grown 2 highly gifted children, and managed the "School of Gifted Education" for many years. In her newsletter, "Develop Your Child's Genius" she shares her experiences and provides information about fun and easy activities you can do with your children, to develop their intelligence in a few minutes a day. To subscribe, go to: www.all-gifted-children.com [http://trans4mind.qandrews02.hop.clickbank.net]

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希望這些建議對大家有用。請選擇適合你的技巧並且進行嘗試。與我分享你的成果和 經驗,請發送郵件至 esther@all-gifted-children.com。 以斯帖·安德魯斯有 2 名天資聰穎的孩子。多年來,她是“資優教育學校” 的管理 者。在英文版的“培養孩子的天賦” Develop Your Child's Genius 中,以斯帖·安 德魯斯將與大家分享她的孩子培育經驗,如何與孩子們進行輕鬆有趣的活動,與及只 需每天幾分鐘時間的孩子智力開發技巧。訂閱 Develop Your Child's Genius 請訪問 www.all-gifted-children.com
原文:Training Your Child for Success © Esther Andrews 譯本:訓練孩子成功 © 真我品位 trans4mind.hk

其它內容 Other Contents

您是那一類型的父母? Do You Know Your Parenting Style? 與孩子有效溝通(一) :用愛說事實 More Effective Communication with Children Part 1 - They need the truth with love 化解與孩子的權力鬥爭 A Simple Key to Dissolving Parent-Child Power Struggles 孩子說謊怎麼辦? How to Deal with a Lying Teen

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項目 目的

【黃埔軍校】夏令營

【突破】夏令營

By photos8.com

讓青少年 從活動和遊玩中學習與成長! 活動

培養青少年的 培養青少年的 ● 意志力 ● 意志力 ● 團隊精神 ● 團隊精神 ● 自律,自理和自立能力 ● 生存能力 ● 創意和動手創做的能力 ● 創意和動手創做的能力 ● 認識後,才會愛 —— 讓孩子從軍校的歷 ● 認識自己,突破障礙 —— 自己 史中認識中國人近百年的經歷,讓他們擁 ‘想象’ 和‘假設’ 的障礙,是造 有選擇驕傲於成為中國人和愛國的機會 成失敗的‘最強’ 因素;讓孩子認 識自己真實的能力,學會如何面對 和處理這些成功的障礙。 軍事訓練 動手做 觀光 電影欣賞 晚會 9-16 歲 5天 12-16 歲 5天 戶外拓展訓練 動手做 電影欣賞 晚會

終生受用的學習經歷!

適合年齡 計劃於暑期間舉辦青少年夏令營的 天數 學校和機構,請與我們聯系: 注 快意顧問培訓 Quickmind Consultancy & Training info@qmcon.com

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為確保活動順利進行並能夠達至預期的效果,主辦單位需控制學員年齡差異於三年以內。 我們將為每一班的訓練營設立網上互動平台,讓學員保持聯系,持續地互相支持,延續訓練的成效,於培訓結束後 的第一年內,我們的教練亦會向學員提供免費的網上咨詢和支持服務。 學員家長,將獲贈一年的【家長網上支援服務】 。

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