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Vanity Fair (November 1996

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This is a diary of sorts: a sketchbook of feelings, ideas and dreams, all relating to one subject – the making of Evita. By the time this movie comes out, I will have been living vicariously through her for two years. I remember sitting down during Christmas of ’94 and writing an impassioned letter to the director, Alan Parker, listing the reasons why I was the only one who could portray her, explaining that only I could understand her passion and her pain. I can honestly say that I did not write this letter of my own free will. It was as if some other force drove my hand across the page. Soon afterward I heard from Alan and following several nerve-racking meeting the part was mine. This was only the beginning of what turned out to be a great adventure. I could kick myself for not starting my journal then, but there was so little time. I had to learn the score, train my voice, and master the tango before flying to London to record the sound track. Throughout the year I had the most extraordinary experiences, and we hadn’t even begun filming, so the month before shooting began I made a promise to myself that I would write everything down that happened to me. I had butterflies in my stomach and I knew I was in for the ride of my life. I wanted to remember every detail. And so I began… New York [Saturday, January 13, 1996]: After a series of delays I’ve finally been given the go-ahead to fly down to Buenos Aires. I desperately need the weeks before filming for rehearsals, wardrobe fittings, and camera tests. But, more important, I need to explore and investigate the myth of Eva Perón. An Argetinean journalist whom I met in London has agreed to meet me in B.A. and arrange interviews with people who knew or worked with Eva, as well as some anti-Peronists. Most are very old and I’m sure a good number will be quite suspiscious of me. I can hardly blame them if the me they know is the one they’ve read about in newspapers. I am prepared to disarm all and get them to share their deepest, darkest secrets about Eva. Buenos Aires [Saturday, January 20, 1996]: It’s morning and I’ve just arrived in my hotel. It is grand in a shabby way. High ceilings, big windows, and a lovely balcony. My only complaint is that my room is on the second floor and my fans are outside chanting “Eva/Madonna” and singing the words to my songs. This is very flattering during the day but not so great at night when I’ll be trying to sleep. On the drive from the airport I twice saw graffiti painted on the walls that said ‘Evita lives, get out, Madonna’. How’s that for a welcome? I have also read in the local newspapers that Alan Parker, Antonio Banderas, who plays Che, and myself have been declared personae non gratae, which is a nice way of saying we are dirty rotten scum. Of course this is all coming from a very small group of Peronists who are in desperate need of attention and aren’t really certain what they’re protesting against. I’m sure they’d all come over for tea if I invited them. None of this discourages me.

Buenos Aires [Sunday, January 21, 1996]: Today I ventured out in the city for a series of interviews with people who knew Evita. The most interesting was with Tuco Paz, who was an Argentinean diplomat for more than 40 years. He met Eva when she was 29 and is the first person to tell me how shy she was. He says that her agressive behaviour was a nervous reaction to how insecure she felt around certain people. He says that she had great character but that many people were bored by her monolithic interest in politics. Nothing else interested her [that's only because Prada hadn't started making dresses!]. He said that Juan Perón coached her in public speaking. Perón would sit in a chair and have Eva go behind him and talk to the back of his head. Then he would throw out a series of subjects which she would have to expound on. Perón constantly changed the topic to keep her on her toes. So she wouldn’t be nervous, he would stay with his back to her. For some reason, I was very moved by this story. It seems like a real act of love and caring for him to have taken the time to do this. Tuco’s apartment was lovely – full of old books and beautiful Cubist art. Unfortunately, about 500 screaming fans made my departure next to impossible. The police are not terribly organized down here and I didn’t have enough security, so the three feet I walked from the building to the car were very scary. Somehow I got pulled down to the ground for about three seconds. I managed to crawl into the car and shut the door, only to find that one of my shoes was missing and the heel was broken on the other. They were Versace. Don’t worry. When everyone was in the car we sped away, only to discover that a young girl was holding on to the roof of the car for dear life. So we stopped and pulled her off as she kicked and screamed and cried that she loved me. I wanted to give her the business card of my shrink, but my driver drove away too fast. Buenos Aires [Monday, January 22, 1996]: Today I never left my prison cell so as to avoid any riots until the security situation has been worked out. It wasn’t so terrible. It rained all day and the shutters to my bedroom windows kept banging open and shut. I think the spirit of Eva was in my room. A wonderfully well-grommed, fantasticlooking older gentleman named Hector Villanueva came to talk to me. He met Evita when she was 19 and working at a radio station. He says he was very attracted to her, but didn’t do anything about it because he was married. [That doesn't sound like any men I know.] It seems our dear Evita liked to drink beer and go to boxing matches. A girl after my own heart! He said that her favorite meal was breaded panfried veal with a fried egg on top and French fries. I’m going to try that tomorrow. The only way to eat sensibly in this country is not to eat. The concept of non-fat has not made its way here yet. I’m still trying to get used to my brown contacts, which make me feel dizzy, nauseated, and permanently in the dark. Or maybe this happens when you stay in your hotel room all day. I’ve got to get out more – I’m starting to talk to my dog too much. I could have sworn she said “Mama”.

she didn’t have her passport. We devised an elaborate plan where my assistant.Buenos Aires [Tuesday. and then they set out in hot pursuit to apprehend the criminal [me. And why should they sleep? Everyone is unemployed – no one has to get up and go to work in the morning. Eventually Luciano. I slept like shit. The great news is that it worked and I went on with my sight-seeing trip unhassled. The children outside my window came at two-hour intervals all through the night to beckon me to the balcony and profess undying love. the cemetry where Eva is buried. they thought]. anyone can accuse another person of a wrongdoing and have his house or car or person searched. some members of the press were apparently trying to frame me. and all of us would lie on the floor until the coast was clear. Thank God I wasn’t in that car. Shakespeare this was not. The idea was to get everyone to follow my car without me in it. She was arrested and called me on my cell phone from the police station completely hysterical. Otherwise we’ll all be visiting police stations every time the papers want a story. I have never seen such a beautiful. Of course. haunted place. The dead live in style. The bad news is what happended to Caresse. In Argentina. So she told the driver to take her back to the hotel. There are camera lenses trained on me at every window and I have hidden everything of value in a secret place because the safe looks suspect. which in this place is a crime punishable by death. I sometimes think my phones are tapped. But just because I’m stuck in an uncivilized country doesn’t mean I can’t have a little fun. pulled some strings. which are surrounded by gargoyles and statues and religious paintings and plaques and wreaths and framed photographs. Very often the accused get hauled down to the station before they even know what they’ve done! In this case. and get some juicy headline news about the famous celebrity who goes around driving over unsuspecting fans. The only people making any money are the press and they will go to any extreme to get a picture or any information about me. Then we got the rest of the story. Caresse got out of the car and was attacked by paparazzi who proceeded to shove her around and call her a puta. and wonder if every employee in this hotel is on the take. the police pulled her car over and started muttering about a crime which implicated her. and five hours later Caresse was returned to us very shaken up. Caresse. It seems that the press were furious when they discovered that I was not in the car. Then I would leave in a van with my bodyguards. I went to Recoleta. would go out in the car I usually ride around in and fake out the fans and the press. There were hundreds of wild cats everywhere and each mausoleum was more grand and exquisite than the last – little tiny mansions with windows to view the caskets. I was determined to go sight-seeing. inform the police. They had paid off two teenagers to fall in front of the car when it drove out of the underground driveway. After they’d gone about a mile. Did I already say how . my Argentinean bodyguard. When they discovered that we had duped them they decided to torture Caresse. First. 1996]: Today was the day from hell. “Murderess! Murderess!” I called the producer and my manager and threatened to quit unless they got some secretservice guys down here to beef up security. January 23. By the time she arrived at the station they were shouting. decadent.

Kindness is timid and evil is a ham. He doesn’t understand that all Latinos exaggerate and are all over the top. For instance. Went to a cocktail party last night and collected everybody’s germs. President Menem may finally agree to meet with me. the Old Guard whom I have met have all spoken to the press.scary it was to be here? I guess this is the closest thing to a dictatorship I’ll ever experience. I didn’t come all the way to Buenos Aires to sing “Don’t Cry For Me Argentina” on a soundstage. but they’re not very vocal. I told Freddy to relax. Let’s see if that makes a difference. Was too tired to write. If only people would report the good things. Did I leave out the part about the horny cop that kept telling Caresse how beautiful she was and running his fingers through her hair? Buenos Aires [Thursday. . and there have been a lot of favorable articles. Still. January 26. I am portrayed either as a stupid cunt who doesn’t deserve to play Santa Evita or a spoiled American movie star who has no interest in the truth. he has a good point in that there needs to be more positivity and togetherness among the people making this film or we will never survive the shoot. that I was receving death threats and that I must immediately come home. 1996]: I continue to have bone-crushing entrances and exits whenever I go out. January 25. There are people who appreciate what I’m trying to do here. I came home feeling very upbeat. The custom here is to kiss everyone hello instead of shaking hands. I’ve got to stop reading the papers. We had a long discussion about how there needs to be more unity on the film and how people have to stop being negative and complaining about being here. but the phone rang and it was Freddy. I think the tide is gradually turning. And too grouchy! Buenos Aires [Friday. 1996]: Went to dinner with the cinematographer of the movie. that’s easy for him to say – people don’t jump him and attempt to rip off his clothes and strangle him every time he tries to go outside. telling me that it was in the news in the U. and went to sleep.S. Top-notch security arrives today. put in my earplugs. His name is Darius Khondji and he’s incredibly talented and completely lovable. my manager. Of course.

1996]: Finally slept last night – deeply and sweetly. And torture them! Later: Did makeup and hair tests and finally settled on a brown wig for the younger Eva that didn’t make me look like a cocker spaniel. Wonderful man. I ran around trying to pack my suitcases but stopped when I realized I really wouldn’t need to pack.Buenos Aires [Saturday. Buenos Aires [Sunday. After speaking to me for 20 minutes he said he regretted saying no. I’ve been sleeping in a room the size of a broom closet upstairs to avoid the noise in my suite. Latin men were put on earth to charm women. I blew them several kisses and saw the tears in their eyes and it almost made me cry. I thought if I went out and waved to them they might be less ferocious when I go out to dinner. January 28. Of course. I needed some peace and quiet. who spoke to me for three hours about Argentinean hirstory and the Peronist movement. but he kept getting up to go to the bathroom. who was very charming and said he had turned down Alan Parker’s offer to play Perón. January 27. I wasn’t in my room. Later on I had drinks with Plácido Domingo. Met with a brilliant Argentinian historian named Jose Luis Peco. People recognized me and stared but no one attacked me. Maybe he only has one kidney. I felt uncomfortable and after an hour of being gawked at I came back to my hotel prison and sulked. 1996]: Dreamt last night that there was going to be a big earthquake and it was going to destroy the world. Nevertheless. . We shall see. Sneaked out this morning in what I thought was a disguise to walk around the street fairs of San Telmo. Agaist the wishes of my security I went out on my balcony and waved to about 500 screaming fans.

Or else I’ve misplaced a day. Every day is a new and interesting form of chaos. Met the British ambassador and lots of radio and television personalities and the man who owns all the soccer teams. The library director is a true man of letters. as there are no gyms and no decent food. years later she’s a saint who can do no wrong. Victor Alfaro. but I was too tired to be shallow. 1996]: I seem to have misplaced a diary entry. The lieutenant said he . There were a few rakish-looking young men with very long hair and lust in their eyes. I suddenly missed my friends terribly. [It's very easy to fall out of favor here. January 31. Finally. the National Library was built as a sort of memorial to Evita. and I think I was supposed to take one of them home with me.Buenos Aires [Tuesday. Couldn’t sleep again and I went to work with puffy eyes and a sheet-lined face. I was served a glass of warm water which tasted like it had been chlorinated. someone whips out the trays of croissants and petits fours and bonbons and I’m so hungry I’m forced to inhale a few. and there’s an enormous amount of research material pertaining to her there. 1996]: Slept in silence at last. What. me worry? We discussed Peronism and of course Evita and how her enemines were divided into two camps. hoping for champagne.A. I made a solemn promise to myself to start eating better. in their true hotheaded fashion. I moved upstairs to the top floor. Godard. which isn’t difficult to do in this godforsaken place. then she dies and you’re assassinated if you speak her name. The library was built on the exact same spot where the Peróns lived and where Evita died. Two very charming and handsome men – what else is new? They assured me that they were going to look after me and that I shouldn’t worry about death threats. Etiquette alone demands that you at least sample the lard sandwiches. Rossellini. Yesterday my trainer arrived and thank God. It seems the Argentineans. Whew! I had a butter sandwich and a chocolate truffle and ran off to a cocktail party to mingle with the cre`me de la cre`me of B. Forgot to mention that I met with the chief of police and his first lieutenant. and Visconti. Buenos Aires [Wednesday. I felt very empty rifing down in that elevator. We talked about Pablo Neruda and Gabriel García Márquez and then discussed cinema: Renoir. the aristocracy and the communists. but every time I go to a meeting or an interview. Ha! As I walked in the door. a die-hard Peronist and very charming man. of course. so at 10:30 I bid everyone adieu and ran into the elevator with my escort.] Years later when Peronism was fashinable again. I had to pose for a zillion photographs before I left. January 30. demolished the house brick by brick until there was nothing left but dirt! This. I asked the director of the library where the house went. Another glaring example of the fickleness of thois country. It would be very easy to get an enourmously fat ass on this shoot. Of course. It’s not much bigger than the broom closet but at least I can’t hear the fans screaming on the street. did not happen until Eva died and Perón had fallen out of favor and fled the country. First she’s a queen and she lives in a palace. I went to the National Library with Xavier Fernandez.

I never thought I’d say these words. That we are women with success and power. “You’re so intelligent! Not what I expected at all!” Could an idiot have come this far in life? I wonder if I could ever have been the kind of sweet. I was defending myself. Once again this proves my point that if you have an opinion or stand for something in this world you are considered a threat. 1996]: Dreamt last night that Sharon Stone invited me to her house because she . February 1. My hair is completely messed up and I look like I just received shock treatment. We shall see! Buenos Aires [Thursday. There’s a really good one where it looks like my security guard is grabbing my breast. submissive. Trying to stay alive. We discussed politics in this country and how. I was quite stunned. 1996]: Woke up exhausted from my dreams. Yet. If I had known that I would be so universally misunderstood. His answer was that he was doing what Perón would do if he were in office now. Then he said the most amazing thing – that people were angry with Evita in her day for the same reason they are angry with me today. A friend of his was killed in a car accident. I spent the rest of the conversation defending myself and the choices I’ve made in my career. He makes me laugh. This is why we call them politicians. I’m trying to stay positive. I’m so sick of seeing unflattering paparazzi photos of myself in magazines and newspapers. Fighting for… what? I splashed cold water on my face. Basmati. Something about art imitating life. I asked why he calls himself a Peronist if in fact his policies are so different. who tried to explain to me why the president cannot agree to a meeting with me. Menem is trying to undo the damages that Perón did. Something to be feared. he didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know. by privatizing industries. looked into the mirror. but I suppose in the end I do. feminine girl that the entire world idealizes. and noticed a red indentation in my forehead. Buenos Aires [Friday.admired Evita but he was not a Peronist. We tried to cheer each other up. Darius came over to have dinner with me and he was depressed. February 2. maybe I wouldn’t have been so rebellious and outspoken. and I must say it was a bit of an insult to discover that the president has had lunch with Claudia Schiffer and entertained the Rolling Stones and he is not free to meet with me. A wound received in my nocturnal battle. Then we began discussing reincarnation and he started quoting Oscar Wilde. Did I unconsciously hurt myself? This must be a result of the conversation I had with Constancio. too. Of course. Charming. He calls me Lola Spaghetti and I call him Mr. for his macho appearance did not prepare me for his sensitive and perceptive point of view. I often say I have no regrets. All through my fittings and my rehearsals I felt like the homely girl at the dance whom nobody wanted to dance with. Don’t judge a federal policeman by his uniform! Tonight I am having a drink with Constancio Vigil. Good answer. but I felt like crying all day. but I am so tired of having to explain myself and I am so tired of being told. supposedly Menem’s best friend. They find the ugliest ones and blow them up just to torture me.

I love to tango. I went. I hope he’s going to bring good news about the president. My dog started barking and woke me up. I had it in one of the ornate old ballrooms on the first floor and put up one of the paintings I had found in San Telmo on the fireplace mantel. so I’m going dancing with them all on Sunday night. as a thank-you. This made me homesick for Miami. and they each scared me in a different way. saying it was only a joke. Tomorrow I have to face the conservative minority who are violently opposed to the making of this film. The press is trying to make a big deal about my competing with his girlfriend. Buenos Aires [Sunday. Makeup. Tomorrow. and when I arrived she was taking a bath with a red dress on and all her makeup. It’s all very hush-hush. I have enough to worry about. which is ludicrous because everyone knows I would never date a man who wears cowboy boots. I hope it goes away. the choreographer. They’re going to ask me if I am a Catholic and if I wear underwear and if I’m a lonely person. I’m so tired today. Buenos Aires [Monday. asked me to dance a mambo with him. Is it because I got up at the crack of dawn after two hours of sleep? Is it because I ate an entire box of graham crackers in 10 minutes? Is it because the press conference is tomorrow and I have butterflies in my stomach? Or is it because of the cholera epidemic that slowly making its way into town? Whatever it is. Tonight I have another top-secret meeting with Constancio. . They’re going to ask me stupid questions. They are going to be rude. At one point Vince Paterson. Wardrobe. Sometimes. but the younger one kept trying to show off and he was wearing too much cologne. 1996]: What a night! I decided to have a cocktail party and invite the Old Guard. reactionary. Thank God. waving a gun at me and slurring her words: “I know you guys are in there – I’m going to shoot you both”. etc. PS: The president has agreed to meet with me wednesday evening on an island off the coast. Very romantic. One was younger and funnylooking. or milongueros. Another reason not to take Xanax to sleep. 1996]: I’m sick to my stomach and I’m having the chills. Hair. Then we heard voices outside and the doorbell rang and Sharon immediately submerged her face under the water to prove to me that she didn’t care if people saw her looking bad. Antonio Banderas arrives. The older ones were patient. When I opened the door Courtney Love was standing there in a torn dress. Apparently we can go only by boat or helicopter. and ignorant. with some suspicion.wanted to know me better. but I need to practice more. At dance rehearsals I worked with four tango dancers. Three were older and funny-looking. February 5. Mambo and tango music music played in the background. etc. Yes. so I invited him and the rest of the creative team working on the movie. Then she bursts out laughing. lit candles everywhere. I wanted Alan Parker to meet them as well. whom I have been courting for the past two weeks. and turned off all lights.. February 4. I thought I was a pretty decent tango dancer until I danced with these guys. I love to dance to mambo music. and the floor cleared and we showed those old Argentineans a thing or two. Yes. Production Design.

A very seductive man. looking right trough me. It wasn’t as bad as expected. and Eva did not want to be remembered as a girl from the sticks. Several very goodlooking boys sat in the front row blowing me kisses and mouthing the words “I love you”. This cheered me up immensely. I’m so excited to see him! Oh yeah. As I walked toward the president [small. He was surrounded by very suspicious-looking men and a very pretty and formal older woman who had acted as our translator. so we went inside. He told me that I looked just like Evita. Hundreds of flamingos scattered out of our way. Jonathan Pryce. I will never get used to the hostility that comes from fear and envy. The mosquitos started to devour us. She wanted her life to matter.. I continue to read negative press from around the world. on the way to meet President Menem. my mind started drifting. She needed results. Our helicopter landed on the grounds of a beautiful estate in the middle of the delta in El Tiagre. has arrived and I’m going out to dinner with him. a choir chame to sing to me outside my window. I was not outside watching her. and I decided to play Menem some of the music from the movie so he could understand the mood of what we are trying to accomplish. Only a few cranky questions from a few women who looked like they didn’t have enough love in their lives. I knew I had cancer and I was dying. On a good note David Caddick.” It was like a fairy tale.S. I noticed that . The kind man who owned the house brought our champagne and caviar. his eyes going over every inch of me. or the wife of the president. The desire of someone who has lived her life completely misunderstood. February 8. the music director. I was her.. That basic human desire that most people have to see another person fail. I felt hungry and unsatisfied and in a hurry. Buenos Aires [Thursday. The idea of death is not so horrible if one can leave behind a legacy. We talked about how fanatical I had become about knowing absolutely everything about her. President Menem was very charming. which Eva sings to Perón when she finds out she is dying. I noticed that he had small feet and dyes his hair black.A. like Evita. As I gazed down on all of B. who plays Juan Perón. A press conference is worth 100 trips to the dentist. you are welcome here. I tried to imagine how I would react and what I would do if. I could finally understand the feverish pace at which Evita lived during her last few years. 1996]: Thank God that’s over with. February 6. or a B actress. defiant. whom I adore. “Don’t be nervous. 1996]: Last night I dreamed of Evita. that somehow still manages to hurt my feelings. We sat down immediately. I could see a tear fall from his eye. which I couldn’t resist. I felt her sadness and her restlessness. My heart was pounding so loudly I was sure the whole room was hearing it. He did not take his eyes off me.Buenos Aires [Tuesday. was very witty. Just as I had earlier in the helicopter. I was surprised at how much I liked him. including the U. and tan] a baby deer came up to me and nuzzled my side as if to say. It sounded beautiful. suspended over the earth. She didn’t have time for bureaucracies of government. She wanted to be remembered for her godness. whom he had met when he was a very young man. When I played him the new song [You Must Love Me].

Chivalry is not dead! Dinner was strangely bland. everyone else sat. 1996]: There are no words to describe the weariness I feel today. I thought it was a rather strange question. At 11. I spent a good deal of time snooping around in the bathroom and checking out the décor of the second floor. there is no escape. I feel at any moment that I could break. We talked about everything from Mao Tse-Tung to mambo. which was showing ever so slightly. but I figured he was a hygiene freak or something. catering to his very need. there is no comfort. And I thought of a line from The Alchemist that goes something like “If you want something bad enough the whole earth conspires to help you get it. They seem to be completely in love with the president. He said one always has to have faith in the things that cannot be explained. and when I caught him staring. Like my life. Like God. “Yes. kissed me on both cheeks. I have not slept well in days. My dreams are violent and full of betrayal. He had worked his magic on me.” The whole table went quiet and he looked at me for a moment and said. I am watched whereever I go. I caught Menem looking at my bra strap. February 9. Maybe he wanted me to leave the room so he could talk about me.two men followed Menem everywhere. and even when I do. The president took my face in his hands. We started to talk about reincarnation and God and psychic phenomena and he said he believed in the power of magic. Dear God. and the president stood up and asked me if I wanted to wash my hands.” My heart was in my shoe. and when I sat. Then the owner said it was time for dinner. I want to cry for all the sadness in the world. what have I gotten myself into? What is happening to me? . Buenos Aires [Friday. Maybe I looked dirty. I feel the weight of the responsibility of this film. We flew away and I was floating inside of the cabin the whole way home. Criticized for being outspoken and ridiculed for staying quiet. but mostly my own. we all ran out to the helicopter. but the conversation was not. waiting for us like a giant insect. that’s why I believe that you will change your mind and allow us to film on the balcony of the Casa Rosada. I can only hope I did the same. The president pulled out my chair. and wished me good luck. They had very bad hairdos and kept eyeing me suspiciously.” And I took a deep breath and said. “Anything is possible. He contiued doing this throughout the evening with his piercing eyes. I cannot talk about Evita and her life without defending myself. Inside my head there is never silence. I must have been up there for at least 15 minutes and when I came downstairs the men were all standing around the table waiting for me to sit down. his eyes stayed with me.

Nevertheless I managed to walk and eventually ride a very slow trot. Satin pants and Prada shoes are hardly appropriate riding apparel. Once we were outside the city limits. To do nothing. with much planning. We stopped at the last one. Children belonging to the caretakers were laughing in the distance and the flatlands streched out as far as the eye could see.Buenos Aires [Sunday. I imagined myself galloping through the countryside at full speed without care in the world. Cows were grazing in the fields and beautiful shiny polo horses were posed like statues all around me. to not be watched. the wind in my hair. six of the dirtiest dogs jumped all over me. covering me with mud. I was perfectly content to sit on the porch and watch caretakers feed the horses and rake the leaves. No police escort. It was like a dream. to be anonymous. I could sit in the front of the car and enjoy the countryside going by. 1996]: Yesterday. no bodyguards. The house itself was a standard pueoble ranch with an inviting porch that went all the way around it and the comforting shade of some very old trees. I could have this life if I wanted it. I was on my way to a private ranch owned by the company that is distributing our movie in Argentina. My driver was one of the partners in the company. February 11. After much urging by one of the caretakers I summoned up the courage to get on one of the horses. When I got out of the truck. I managed to escape for the day lying down in the back of a truck with a blanket over me. After driving for an hour we ended up on a narrow dirt road which led to a series of farms and ranches. I thought to myself. One I never wanted to leave. no noise. Children and a . and he happens to be a polo player who owns many polo horses. no cameras.

It wasn’t until the last shot of the day that I realized why it was so important to shoot the movie here. flies. then they had 10 minutes of silence.husband waiting to have lunch with me. It was hot. there was a golden light around my head. There was dust. Yes. Then I told her I wanted to go back inside of her womb and I began to cry. and eating enourmous amounts of dust. In fact. but she’s a survivor. can’t she? Buenos Aires [Monday. and at this point I went out on the balcony and waved and blew kisses and almost started to cry. My life is surreal down here. the day ended for me in an anticlimatic way. We finished the scne by lunchtime and all the actors left and took the fun with them. Buenos Aires [Tuesday. When they arrived they chanted “Eva” / “Madonna” for a while. and hornets was that the scenery was dull and lifeless and there was nothing to look at. I’d never seem him so excited and alive. I was a child and I was pressing my head against her belly. Saying my good-byes to my family at the train station on my way to the big city. Everywhere. I kept saying to myself over and over . February 12. Then they started to play “Like A Prayer”. It was dry. All of my fans got together and marched from the Obelisco [a monument in the middle of the Avenida Nueve de Julio] all the way to my hotel. I have given up on sleep and happiness as I know it. We were doing a wide shot of my train whizzing across the countryside and 20 gauchos came galloping through the frame over the prairie as the sun went down. I know this is where the acting comes in… Alan didn’t seem to notice the heat or the flies. Still. and when I looked up. There was a demonstration in my honor yesterday afternoon. 1996]: Today I met the actress who plays my mother in the film and I love her. inside and out. Tomorrow is my first day of shooting as the young Eva and I am beyond nervous. Two are English and one is Cuban and I’ve grown attached to them that it was not difficult to imagine how sad I would be to leave them. The rest of the day I sat on the train with a lot of strange extras [none of them spoke English] and reacted to the passing scenery over and over again from every angle. so all is understood. but we speak the language of hurt people. And then I remembered I had about eight months of work ahead of me. Maybe she does. 1996]: I made it through the first day of filming after spending most of the day inhaling poisonous smoke billowing from an ancient train. If only she knew how close to the truth this is. I have never seen such a majestic sight. I went from extreme anxiety and nervoussness to elation and then to boredom and self-doubt. The first half of the day was fun and easy. I love all the actresses playing my sisters. A girl can dream. The only problem besides the fact that I was dying from heat exhaustion and was being made a meal of ants. February 13. There is something else to be learned here. She’s an old soul and she’s been hurt. Her English is as good as my Spanish. scraping dirt from the inside of my contacts. Mis lágrimas son para ti. Recuerdo el suen~o! Then she gave me a beautiful antique emerald ring she was wearing. She told me about a dream she had recently.

Receiving flowers from my accountant is not my idea of romance. Why do we celebrate the men who rule our nation when we ultimately have only contempt for them? Went to dinner with David . whispering behind the camera. Little did I know. People sit around all day. 1996]: Today is my first day off in a week and I am practically catatonic. I’m sure they all thought I was mad.M. and patting down your sweat while they fill in the lines on your face with Spackle. I have never felt heat from the sun with such intensity. but it had lots of good stairs and pillars to dance around. I guess I am even more offended by it because people always imply that about me. Little did she know. This is the part of the script I find a little dodgy. It’s a way for envious people to undermine your strength and your accomplishments. Buenos Aires [Monday. My dressing room was inside an old courthouse which had stained-glass windows and high ceilings. Buenos Aires [Saturday. Today’s work was a lot more fun because we actually got to shoot a scene where people were talking/singing to each other.again. “When is something really exciting going to happen to me!” I think I may have even said it loud a few times while we rolled back and forth on the dusty tracks. plucking stray eyebrow hairs. Rare. And it isn’t until now. Buenos Aires [Thursday. and leave the owner of a magazine for the owner of a soap company. February 19. turning you from left to right. 1996]: Valentine’s Day came and went and I scored very low in the valentine department. just me and the extras. and for hours I pretended I was in the Ziegfeld Follies. When they are setting up the next shot. I am mistrustful of flowers from people who make a percentage of my gross income. that I realize that that’s surely what Eva must have been saying to herself as she left her dusty little village on her way to a better life.M. Yesterday we watched a polo match with the aristocrats and I was little more than set dressing. cutting your nose hairs. You wonder if you’re pretty enough or good enough or thin enough or attractive enough and you inevitably feel like a slab of beef. as I write this. February 17. Is this moving up? I’m not sure. I had to flirt with lots of men. dance the tango. medium. which was at five P. At least I will be clean all the time.. The implication that Eva slept her way to the top. Today I had to be up at the crack of dawn for one hour of good light on the sidewalk between eight and nine A. It really looked more like a church. It doesn’t matter as long as peole want to eat you.S. 1996]: The last days of shooting have gone by without too much fanfare. Then I spent the rest of the day for the next good light. February 15. you are told to go and wait in your trailer like a good little doggy and this is where you have an ample time to be hypercritical of yourself. My wig feels like a vise grip on my head. or well done. I am finally in sync with the U. I went a bit crazy and started making up dance routines a` la Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers. I have decided that acting in movies is a very humiliating job. where it is Presidents’ Day and everyone has the day off.

1996]: . After dinner we went to a milonga club so I could brush up on my tango. We are shooting several montage sequences of Eva doing her charity work. 1996]: Perhaps I have been bitten by a tsetse fly. Today I wanted to cry from frustration. I would have gotten myself sent to the principal’s office all the time if this had been what I had to look forward to. Buenos Aires [Wednesday.” Buenos Aires [Friday. It’s hard to imagine small children running around in the hallways. Lots of strech pants. What is your definition of power now?” and I replied. There are balconies and marble staircases everywhere and a huge science room that looks like a museum of natural history. It was a scene straight out of GoodFellas. I sat at his kitchen table on the verge of tears. Then he said to me.Caddick and my movie family and we entertained ourselves with imitations of Jodie Foster in Nell and gossip about who’s sleeping with whom on the set of the movie. February 22. The only thing missing was Joe Pesci. February 21. “You once described a man’s body as powerful. There was folding tables and chairs around a big empty space. 1996]: Last night I dreamed that I was pursuing a director I was once in love with and he invited me into his home to tell me that he couldn’t be with me. it looked like we were entering a bingo game. I have an uncontrollable urge to sleep from the moment I wake up to the moment it is actually permissable. Giant leather chairs and Venetian chandeliers. It’s a real soap opera and I hoard and relish the secrets I have been told about various philandering husbands and so-and-so’s boyfriend. My insomnia has reserved itself. High ceilings and old master paintings on the walls. we have been formally invited to an audience with the president at his private residence. So all day long I am handing out shoes and bicycles and medicine to poor children and posing for cameras. The heat makes me lethargic. and for security reasons my makeup. We’ve been shooting all week in a beautiful old school. make me feel like a body that has been deserted. It must be my trustworthy face. and no one under the age of 60. which is very posh and ritzylooking. which I will never get used to. We will grovel if we must. I spent my free time looking at stuffed mammals and ancient artifacts. but nothing could distract me from my feeling of uselessness. and the endless sitting around and waiting. Snore. fabulous fluorescent lighting. There is no dialogue – just a lot of kissing and hugging and costume changes. and sequins. “Power is being told you are not loved and not being destroyed by it. Which is just about everyone. hair. For some reason people feel the need to confess things to me. Buenos Aires [Thursday. Speaking of balconies. who’s sleeping with so-and-so’s sister. February 23. and wardrobe are all in the principal’s office. When we walked in. I call this photo-opportunity week. gold lamé.

My body rejects the idea of being ordered around and following directions at after midnight. 1996]: The last two days were night shoots and I woke up both mornings feeling ravaged. I will consult the stars and work my voodoo. There were children everywhere begging for money and between takes they would swoop down like birds on the tables outside the cafés where the extras were sitting and gobble . but Mother Nature is not cooperating with us today. Buenos Aires [Saturday. It was my first scene where I give a speech to the workers from the back of a truck while Peron is in prison. and everyone was being very polite and I couldn’t take it anymore. Today it is still inhabited by poor immigrants who showed they were not happy to have us there by throwing rocks. I was mesmerized by them. but in the 20s yellow fever swept the neighborhood and the rich moved to another part of town.” Hopefully. Antonio.It’s raining cats and dogs and as much as I love the idea of a day off I was disappointed when most of the day’s work was canceled. and it was much more formal. We did have a lively little chat with Menem at his private residence. February 24. ” When we’re done talking about pizza can we talk about balconies?” And Menem said that he was sure there would be no problem if we used it and any other government building we wanted. Zulemita. I was ready to jump for joy. She held her father’s hand through the entire meeting and they kissed and whispered things to each other in a very intimate way. As I watched the film I realized for the first time that I was dead and I began to cry and soon I was choking on my own tears and sobbing violently and then I woke up. Alan. and Jonathan were there. I was all psyched and ready to emit a little fire and brimstone. So in the middle of the discussion about pizza I said. Alan will change his mind. We filmed in La Boca district. I dreamed that I was Evita and I was watching the finished version of the movie we are making in a screening room all by myself. Unlike everyone in this city. Buenos Aires [Monday. But hadn’t the reason for the meetings been to convince him to let us shoot on the balcony? And what an honor and a thrill to be able to stand there looking down on that plaza at night filled with all those people. Forgot to mention Menem’s daughter. Not to mention the fact that we did not have the proper lighting equipment. It was not as much fun as the first meeting. but Alan shot me down by saying that we’d already spent so much money on a replica of it in London that financially it wouldn’t make sense to shoot here. We had to work around them and I spent the night listening to catcalls and dirty old men throwing me kisses and making lurid propositions. who also attended the meeting. singing “Don’t Cry For Me Argentina. 1996]: Woke up this morning with tears streaming down my face and a wet pillowcase. I am not a night person. making way for an onslaught of Italian immigrants. Alan was basically reiterating what he had said in the press conference about having freedom as artists. February 26. which was once a very chic area. A thin wisp of a girl who seemed very fragile and very sad.

I am temporarily laid off. Buenos Aires [Tuesday. I rarely speak to my friends and when I do I find it impossible to share what I I am experiencing. March 2. peanut brittle. 1996]: As I descended further into this labyrinth called movie making I am stunned by the number of possibilities for feeling lonely and alienated. of the crowd in Budapest. no matter how many times I tried. I do not exist until movie is finished. 1996]: Last night there was a full moon. and unusually aggressive. 1996]: I am so disappointed. At first we all felt like retching. March 5. fairly reliable way to get to do things I’m not keen on doing.up all the food and run away. Buenos Aires [Saturday. hostile. I feel increasingly more cut off from the rest of the world. and Gucci caftan. They have seen me bare my soul and yet they know nothing about me. March 6. and licorice whips. But I didn’t need an excuse to feel violent. Buenos Aires [Wednesday. Buenos Aires [Wednesday. It’s right next door to a slaughterhouse and all day we had to smell the rotting decay of animal flesh. but I know she’s here to warn me that it’s going to be another blisteringly hot day. My family and friends are the people in the movie. I don’t know how she got in and I cannot see her. A video on my day off! I’m so immersed in the life of Eva Peron and the movie music that I could not remember the words to my own song. It felt funny to be me with green eyes. I hate settling. Like the cricket in my room. Perhaps it will rain. There is a kind of shyness that occurs when someone is required to be extremely vulnerable in front of complete strangers.O. I consciously rejected the idea of being me. This is by the way. Why should we settle when we have the real thing? Today we filmed in the shantytown which doubles for the village I leave to go to the big city. I have just seen the shooting schedule for our last two weeks in Argentina and we will not be shooting on the balcony of the Casa Rosada. While I have become more and more accepted by the Argentineans. Then we got used to it. In the beginning I received letters and care packages all the time. I have to say I found myself rooting them on. Now I will have to settle for a set on a soundstage looking at a bunch of crew guys and they will film my P. Yesterday I snapped when the producer arrived to ask me for the millionth time if I would move out of my hotel because we were going past shooting schedule here and the . It’s amazing what you can adapt to when you have no choice. hair down. What we smell is the remainder of the bones and fat cooking. I am on strike. When you are lonely you notice things that you otherwise wouldn’t. February 28. Fiddle Faddle. Now I come home and my fax machine is empty and there are no phone messages. Which is exactly what I did yesterday. But I did enjoy my candy.V. We were told that the diseased cows are not slaughtered but instead cooked in a giant vat of boiling water. 1996]: Friday has come to visit me and brought me massive amounts of caramel corn.

after midnight. either because her deceased husband was a devout anti Peronist or because she thought I would bring a torrent of photographers with me. and I could barely keep my eyes open. He wants me to move to some shit hole next door. Darius kept looking at me and shaking his head and suddenly I burst into tears. It was all very Mission: Impossible. and one day Juan Duarte.rooms had been previously booked. I was going to walk off the set. I have done enough campaigning to win a local government election and I do it gladly in the name of the movie. but I took a deep breath and agreed to go back into the trailer and make one last attempt. Oh shit!! Buenos Aires [Thursday. We sat down to talk there and I tried in vain not to be distracted by the Légers and Mirós around us. who whisked me out of my car. 1996]: Yesterday I was finally and formally invited for a drink to the home of Mrs. where her Kahlos are. which is not a nice thing to do to a lady. Mrs. Eva’s brother. quite liked Evita and spoke about her in a very loving way. We talked about Frida Kahlo. Meaning I am not prepared. She insisted I called her Amalita and went on to talk about her late husband. This beautifully coiffed. came to visit and inquire about the .A. We finished the shot and on my way out I was informed that we may be filming the balcony of the Casa Rosada this weekend. Fortabat. which opened directly into her apartment. then silently led me into the building and up a private elevator. Squatters? At this point I wanted to rip my hair out. Meaning. the best in B. and I am told she is considered a saint by the labor-union leaders because she has been so generous to them.A. Meaning two days from now. Then to add insult to injury they saved my close. who she was sure he died of anti-Peronism. My makeup was cracking off. I shoot six days a week and rehearse on my days off. and said that she hoped I hadn’t come to talk about Eva Peron. The least they could do is stop trying to push me around like I am an extra. and certainly on of the most clever. in the 12th hour of shooting. which my dealer in New York insisted was amazing. the lace to my brunette wig had been glued on one time too many and it wouldn’t lie flat against my head. She is very good friends with the president. We ended up cutting off all the downy blond hair that grows around my hairline and now I look like Bette Davis in The Private Lives of Elizabeth and Essex. elegantly dressed woman greeted me. but I couldn’t.. She.up till the last shot of the day. She led me through rooms decorated in Louis XVI style until we reached the main sitting room which had the most breathtaking view of the city and the El Tigre River that I had seen. Of course I told him what he could do with his request and he walked away mumbling something about hotel’s having squatters. For weeks she hesitated to meet with me. as I was wearing a wig. on of the wealthiest women in B. What really interested me was her art collection. on the other hand. Amalita told me that she once had a very good masseuse. and she invited me to her apartment in New York City. March 7. I said I was there to see her art and she seemed relieved. Fortabat’s building was surrounded by what seemed to be a secret service police. whom we both adore. I should have refused. kissed my cheek.

Dona Juana. . he smelled her and shouted. He would merely open the door and wave and she would invite him in and he would say he had things to do and would come back later. she was not allowed any painkillers. He wanted her to look good. get that thing out of here!” I almost cried when I heard this story. but for his mother. Amalita told me that my skin was like Evita’s. I was disgusted by this whole story and Peron’s cruelty and it was hard for me to enjoy the rest of the evening. To make matters worse. her cancer. so he talked to a mortician and they decided they would have to start injecting her with chemical concoctions which would preserve her organs and flesh. They had slept in separate bedrooms for several years. because they would have interfered with the preservation process. Peron knew how instrumental Evita was to his popularity and it was he who decided. Apparently the mother and the masseuse became friends and Dona Juana confided a great many things about Evita. She said that Evita did not have a good body or nice legs. because he could not stand the smell of her room.masseuse and see if he could borrow her services. so I can only imagine how she must have suffered. It was not for Eva. but Amalita went on. which the masseuse told Amalita. Then she said that Evita had the sweetness of revenge running through her veins. but she had a beautiful face and she knew how to dress. but she was losing weight and starting to deteriorate. to have her body put on display after her death. her body. Perón forbade any visitors except for immediate family. When she woke him up. before she died. When Evita was very ill and confined to her bed. and one night Eva woke up from a bad dream and got out go bed to go to the Perón’s room because she was scared. “Get out of my room. God only knows what effect the injections must have had. He himself rarely visited. who was very ill at the time.

traveling up my spine.A. I thought this day would never come and now she’s here and I’m a bit sad. and flying out my fingertips. 1996]: I dreamed one of my teeth felt loose and I wiggled it and it fell out of my mouth.Buenos Aires [Sunday. March 12. My room is a mountain of suitcases and the unloved remains of things I have acquired but do not want to take. Last night I walked out on the balcony of the Casa Rosada in front of thousands of people and sang “Don’t Cry For Me Argentina. I went to the doctor’s and asked what was wrong with me and he said it was one of the first signs of cancer. and at that moment I felt her enter my body like a heat missile. out to the people. Buenos Aires [Tuesday.. I have suffered. for I feel like I have accomplished everything I set out to do and then some. Yes. But I felt a great sadness too. When you want something bad enough the whole earth conspires to help you get it. Then I felt the rest of my teeth and they all started to break off and fall out of my mouth. and back up to heaven. I raised my arms and looked into the hungry eyes of humanity. March 10. but not in . Buenos Aires [Friday. 1996]: Last night was like a dream and yet it happened so easily and effortlessly I have to keep pinching myself to make sure that I haven’t imagined it. into the air. March 15. 1996]: Today is my last day of shooting in B. starting with my feet.” In the exact place she had stood so many times before. Afterwards I could not speak and I was so happy. She is pushing me to feel things. Because she is haunting me. but not too sad.

It’s hard to look happy and lively when your teeth are chattering. God. I think they just wanted to see how far I was willing to crawl and beg for something. March 28. Like anything important in life it must be earned. The extras are a morbid bunch. I do wonder why the Argentineans made such a fuss. so I’m not straying too far. No vicious journalism. They obviously don’t know me. What can I say about Budapest? The architecture is beautiful.it’s so damn bleak here. 1996]: I am in a jet-lag stupor. is a big. I hope it was not a mistake to come here. The one good thing about the cold is that your hair doesn’t grow as fast. No sense of humor. I couldn’t sleep last night and even the freezing temperature on the set did not wake me up. No one protested when I was on the balcony. but I needed to remind myself that I had a life before her.heat. and spirit must stay focused. I don’t blame them. All very un-Evita. Last week. I wonder if anyone paid any attention to the fact that it’s wintertime and almost everything we’re shooting is an exterior. 1996]: Between the layers of silk thermals and the hot chocolate I was guzzling . and if you squint your eyes it feels like Paris. and sunburn. I think I’m going to protest. There’s still a chill in the air and not a hint of spring. I spent three uninterrupted days of bliss in Miami and here is why I feel guilty: I rode my bike and took my boat out to see the dolphins and buried my nose in my gardenia bushes and watched the Tyson fight and stayed in my nightgown all day and had acupuncture and read Shakespeare’s love sonnets and ate ice cream. I pray to God it warms up or I’m in for some real suffering. I reserve judgment until further exploration. I’ve been sneezing all morning and tomorrow we’re shooting a scene outside and all I’ll be wearing is a simple summer dress. 1996]: When we got off the plane in America I kissed the ground. I’m not getting paid enough to suffer hypothermia.vain. I do feel like I have earned a modicum of respect here. that’s not like me. This week. exhaustion. 1996]: I cannot wear any of my new frocks in Budapest. Budapest [Tuesday. But these decisions are made by people who get to walk around in warm parkas all day long. body. New York [Tuesday. on the other hand. Budapest [Thursday. March 25. I had to march through mud puddles with steelworkers and my feet were wet and frozen. March 26. so I won’t have to shave my legs often. I don’t want to get too far away from the movie. Evita did like to go shopping. In any case. My hotel. modern glass monstrosity run by Germans. Oh dear.like behaviour.pneumonia. Mind. March 19. I felt good to be home. No anger. Am I? Budapest [Monday. So tired my skin hurts. I’ve stopped off in New York to prepare myself for the cold and gray of Budapest and get in a few dance rehearsals and of course shop.

The fact that I never know what we’re shooting from day to day because of the weather? The fact that I was on my feet for 14 hours with and irritated sciatic nerve? Pain like lighting bolts shoot down my leg. Too many trips to the ugly side of my unconscious. Budapest [Wednesday. Fortunately. Neither would Evita. I wonder if he would let 75 percent of his parishioners in his church if he knew what they did in their spare time. I could have spent hours there smelling the incense and staring at the painted ceilings. Four singers singing in French with and organist and a cello player. I will never apologize for my behavior. 1996]: Yesterday was a real cryfest. This will not be a stretch. 1996]: Woke up sideways on the bed. After midnight the wind kicked up and it was so bitterly cold that the only thing that got me through the evening was my desert visualization and chanting my mantra. A fallen woman. Budapest [Thursday. If I gave him an autographed picture he would probably change his mind. We are trying to get permission to shoot a scene in a basilica. It was all very pleasant and civilized. Today I spend the day in the hospital bed being told that I am dying. I kept thinking about how . which was decorated with beautiful mosaic tiles and Baroque trimmings. April 3. Gorgeous. I lit a candle and prayed for the movie to go well and the sun to come out and the bishop to stop torturing me. and then in the hospital bed being told that I have cancer. I’m not groveling for one more person in the name of this movie. The good news is that I finished all my work last night and I have this evening off. A sinner. The music filled up the entire church. I did not have to pretend to be unconscious. Seven hundred years old. I don’t feel like a trapped prisoner. We went to a beautiful Gothic church called Matthias or Holy Mother Church. I am a bad girl. There is no more skin left on my knees. Budapest [Sunday. The cold did it for me. I’m not sure what I was most upset about. we were shooting the scene were I faint and I’m carried down a hundred steps by my brother. but it seems a certain holier-than-thou bishop won’t allow it because he doesn’t approve of my behavior. The bishop can kiss my ass. First in the operating room. We went after a service and there was a sort of choral practice going on. Now it’s news all over the world that I’m causing problems in Budapest. I went to sleep in a bad mood. April 4. where I felt like I was doing an ER episode. tangled in my sheets and slightly nauseated from too much dreaming. March 31. It’s Antonio’s turn to freeze. The bishop will not let me in his church. The sun was out in the afternoon and we walked to an old coffeehouse built at the turn of the century and gorged ourselves on more hot chocolate and wonderful cakes and marzipan. Then we walked to the river and looked at all the castles on the hill and the beautiful House of Parliament. I spent the entire day horizontal. 1996]: Today is Palm Sunday.to stay warm I could hardly fit into my costume last night. When people recognized me they kept their distance and even the fans following me were polite and shy.

as I am sure everyone else is. during. Alan already knows. Until Christ rose from the dead. . I live in fear of the press’s finding out. Like we’re all in a holding pattern. And then I became panic-stricken. I had hoped to keep it secret until the end of shooting . working too hard. and chocolate. I decided to tell only a handful of people: my assistant. And how she stayed so cheerful and never gave in to her sadness even at the end. or not sleeping. Easter-egg hunts. April 6. Not to mention the fact that there are at least six more weeks of shooting and some big dance scenes to be filmed in England at the end of the schedule. I haven’t ever told my best friends or my sisters. Not because I’m ashamed of anything. “Haha. but I feel as if time has stopped. I fooled you!” I heard its heartbeat and immediately fell in love. If only the sun would shine or a bird would sing. As if to say. but he only looked at me when the camera was rolling. I thought maybe something had happened to his wife or his children. but it’s difficult. I’m trying to get into the spirit here. Sometimes I cried in reaction to his obvious grief. new buds on the trees. I thought it a bizarre ritual but quite beautiful. Tap-dancing. Of course. so I couldn’t ask. I often missed periods when I’m stressed. I think. Clearly he didn’t want to talk about it. traveling. but they will send their camera crews to torture me and I’m desperate to finish filming in peace. but the idea of someone else doing my dancing is repulsive. they could always get a body double for all my dance sequences [like Jennifer Beals in Flashdance]. He had gotten some upsetting news and he was a mess before we started shooting. What is not in a holding pattern is the baby growing inside of me. I’m three months pregnant and I’ve got about four more weeks of barely hiding it. The movie is going along smoothly and we’re getting things done. But I must face the facts and tell Production because my costumes are starting not to fit and I’m becoming very self-conscious about my body. This brought on the flood of tears throughout the entire day. let them change the schedule and let me get through this and still be great and not wreak havoc on the movie. Sometimes he would sneak off to the side and face the wall and sob. and while I am ecstatic. I was stunned when I saw on the ultrasound a tiny living creature spinning around in my womb. The pure and joyful laughter of a child. Easter has always been my favorite holiday. I could have sworn I heard it laughing. and Carlos. my trainer. dear God. of course. I have known for three weeks. But Jonathan cried more than I did. I really never suspected for a moment that I might be pregnant. Waving its tiny arms around and trying to suck its thumb. but I don’t think this will be possible. Budapest [Saturday.my mother must have felt with my father when he told her that she was dying. His whole body was racked with tears. I was so afraid of how it might affect the movie [my other baby] that I couldn’t even write about it. how she would cover up all the religious pictures and statues in the house with purple cloth. I told him after I got to New York and went to the doctor’s. New hats. Oh please. and after takes. He cried before. I promise I’ll be good. 1996]: Yesterday was Good Friday and I thought about my mother again.

I feel like a 14 year old who is trying to hide the fact that she is pregnant from her parents. and perhaps all this negative behavior toward my character is getting to me. More and more people are starting to find out because Alan has to explain to the producers and the art department why he wants such drastic changes in the shooting schedule. I keep having this nagging feeling that I’m going to destroy what we’ve all work so hard to accomplish. She was very well received in Spain and Italy. It makes me feel like I have something to be ashamed of. Everyone’s scrambling and being very sweet and supportive. who were carrying torches and singing for Persón’s freedom. but they say this is normal. it’s not. The people that do know congratulate me when they find out. though I’d better be careful or that bun in my oven will turn into a loaf. Of course the building was . but when she got to France things started to go wrong. Too close to home. and looking out my window I swear I see a patch of green. I will try not to be too homesick. but this embarrasses me. 1996]: The last few days have been extremely worrisome. April 10. We worked late last night in extremely cold weather. Some days I even feel trapped. Why? Haven’t figured this out yet. The sun is shining. Today I will try not to worry about anything. I will not read any Dorothy Parker. when Evita went to Europe as a goodwill ambassador. mostly dancing. April 15. I heard that the extras revolted after I left because of the cold and started burning banners and signs with the kerosene torches. I would have done the same thing. On my feet for 14 hours. go home!” I didn’t have to try very hard to imagine how she felt. There were anti-Peronist demonstrations. This is not exactly how I envisioned starting a family. I’m sure all of this would be easier if Carlos was here. I came home and crawled under every blanket I could find. but instead I am scared. leading the workers. 1996]: Last night was hell. Budapest [Monday. Did not sleep nearly enough. but I just couldn’t seem to get warm enough.Budapest [Easter Sunday. I should be happy end excited. Budapest [Wednesday. All my friends have sent me care packages. but I feel guilty that I’m inconveniencing people. Marching up and down Heroe’s Square. and she had eggs and bricks thrown at her car and crowds chanted. How will I do all those glamorous photo shoots to promote the film when I can’t even fit into my costumes? What will the press do when they find out? I keep looking into the mirror expecting to see that glow of pregnancy and all I see are dark circles under my eyes and acne. caviar. Being pregnant should be cheering me up. 1996]: Woke up with a stomachache. Budapest [Sunday. I feel like we are all in a race against time. for rights for the working class. Thank God he arrives next week. 1996]: There is a God. and Cadbury’s Creme Eggs. We filmed in a huge museum that had a beautiful ballroom. and I intend to gorge myself on foie gras. for all Argentina. We’ve been shooting what will look like a documentary footage from the famous Rainbow tour. I don’t blame them. Too fatalistic. April 14. ” Whore.

April 17. What’s the big deal? Don’t millions of women get pregnant everyday? Most of the reaction has been positive. Antonio still doesn’t know I’m pregnant and he keeps asking me what I think of different baby names that he and Melanie like. CNN. so we stayed cold. These are comments only a man would make. crying and cursing God for making me so vulnerable. I was bitching and moaning all night. Budapest [Wednesday. I have been avoiding all my friends’ calls because I know I will be berated for keeping it a secret for so long. and the floor was icy cold. I am covered in bruises from falling. It’s much too difficult to be pregnant and bring a child into this world to do it for the whimsical or provocative reasons. but secretly I was proud of myself and excited. I just try to hold my stomach in. Who am I trying to kid? At the end of the dance I fall to the ground clutching my cancer-riddled womb. I felt for a moment the potential of this film. 1996]: Well. I realize these are all comments made by persons who cannot live with the idea that something good is happening to me. The front page of the Post. Lighting was minimal. They will want to know when and where and how and what my plans for the . even Hungarian radio. but it was worth it. Some people have suggested that I have done this for shock value. the world knows and I feel like my insides had been ripped open. Implying that I am not capable of having a real relationship. Over and over again for what seemed like a million takes. There are also speculations that I used the father as a stud service. but I wish everyone would just let me do my work. Something special and wonderful that they cannot spoil. I know it’s going to be a very moving scene.ancient and there was no heat.

Still. I’m always tired and cranky. every morning I wake up with my face down on the mattress and I’m sure I have broken my baby’s nose. It’s sure to be warmer in London and Andy has agreed to the house in Holland Park. I just wrote a letter of outrage to the boss with the applesauce. I mustn’t think about these things. Spring is thawing out the universe. but I feel like I am being taken advantage of. Why do I keep dreaming about death? What do I have to be worried about? Today is our last day of filming in Budapest and I should be a very happy girl. Production screwed up and forgot to make reservations in London near the soundstage where we’ll be shooting and now either I have to stay in a crappy hotel an hour away from work or I can rent a house for the month. Today I am going to call my father and tell him the rumors are true for a change. April 28. So basically I have no place to stay in London. Andy Vajna. this feeling of vulnerability and weakness is helping me in the movie. 1996]: Thank God we’re leaving in five days. I was embarrassed and frightened that this was a sign of a more serious health problem. Not a good idea when you are almost fourth months pregnant. But I’m afraid I’ve acquired a world-weary look in my eyes that may never go away. 1996]: I’ve just spent the last two days doing a Vanity Fair photo session by day and the movie at night. Maybe he’s not such a bad guy after all. In any case. I have to resist the inclination to want to be taken care of. When you’re paranoid and neurotic every little twinge you feel is a signal that you’re about to have a miscarriage. I’m sure Evita felt this way every day of her life once she discovered she was ill. .future are. Budapest [Sunday. April 24. I hope he’ll be happy. 1996]: That giddy feeling is back. My call time has been delayed and I’m sitting in my room with smoke coming out my ears. I have been able to fall asleep only on my stomach my entire life and now that I am pregnant I am trying to learn to sleep on my side. I don’t like to be petty about money. But because it is last minute it’s more expensive and production refuses to pay the extra. Budapest [Friday. Burning the candle at both ends. Two more days of shooting in Budapest! I feel like I’ve survived yet another war. I know comparing myself with other actors and how they are treated gets me nowhere. My second tour of duty. Building strength as I go. but in the end it’s about respect. but I do anyway. April 20. I must remain independent and strong in order to finish this film. April 26. Budapest [Saturday. Budapest [Wednesday. and I haven’t got a clue. 1996]: Last night I dreamt again about my teeth falling out and I tried to disguise my problem with the teeth I wear in the movie. Ironically. so to speak. as I am sick of being made to feel grateful for being allowed to be in this movie. which only frustrates me because I haven’t got any answers.

It’s frightening to think that her husband is the chairman of Christie’s International. I considered going outside this morning and giving the workers a piece of my mind. but I don’t want to add fetal alcohol syndrome to my list of worries. Why is God punishing me again? Had a great dance rehearsal for the big dance number we’re shooting on Friday. Doesn’t it sound cozy? It wasn’t when we got here. London [Friday. no towels. The woman who owns the house is an interior decorator who believes that a well-furnished room has no empty space. only one phone line. April 30. Maybe that’s why they wanted to rent out the house. and of course I feel exploited once again by someone I trusted and let in to my life. May 3. The front window is shaded by an ancient magnolia tree and there’s a garden in the back which I hope to be spending some time in when it gets a bit warmer.Last night I had a celebration dinner with Jonathan Pryce and Jimmy Nail. but Caresse and I have beaten it in to submission. We have cleared out some of the over stuffed couches and chairs. but we’re not going to touch the artwork. but I didn’t think I’d be too convincing in my flannel pj’s and zit medicine. I hope he likes it. London [Tuesday. Have also been craving martinis. How could a girl survive such primitive circumstances? We have since rectified most of the unpleasantness. When we arrived there was no heat. which covers every inch of wall space and adds up to exactly nothing. It’s not a hotel and I can make my own damn cup of coffee. no television. Worst of all. the tango singer who takes Eva to Buenos Aires for the first time. Tomorrow we show it to Alan.M. It’s so silly I ‘m sure no on will take it seriously. she said wistfully. A friend of mine has donated some Pratesi linens and finally I can sleep without scratching myself to death from harsh hotel detergents. There was a lovely Merlot that I sampled and I was longing for a glass of it. who plays Magaldi. and drilling for the next four weeks. 1996]: I’m sitting in the living room of my cozy new home in Holland Park. I can’t complain. but I don’t feel like reading the headlines. We had to send her back to the States . Maybe it’s the not-humanly-possible shooting schedule or because I miss my dog. Is it because a certain disgusting basketball player I made the mistake of going out with deciding to publish an autobiography and devoted a whole chapter to what it was like to have sex with me? Complete with made-up dialogue that even a bad porno writer would not take credit for. There’s a bust of Mozart as a boy on my desk and a fire roaring in the fireplace. This of course required several threatening phone calls to owner and realtor. My insomnia has resurfaced the last few nights and I’m trying to figure out why. 1996]: Woke up this morning feeling like a truck had run over me. We had Thai food and it was spicy and fragrant and I ate too much and went home with a stomachache. until the jackhammers started at 7:30 A. The house next door is being renovated and we will be awakened every morning by a chorus of pounding. Maybe it’s the olives. scrapping. Still. I was bewildered as to why the owners would rent their house out for a month and move into another one in the city. and no fax.

though I won’t pretend it was painless. women you call themselves feminists. I spent the rest of the weekend feeling guilty about working too hard and apologizing to my unborn child for any anxiety and uncomfortable bouncing around I was causing it. I was winded after every take and had to lie down on a couch every 10 minutes so I could recover from dizzy spells. like a mother with her cub. I was worried that I was shaking the baby around too much and that I would injure it in some way. a notoriously gay feminist and journalist. The doctor was very comforting and we watched the baby move around for a while before invading its space with a seven inch needle. What a hypocritical society we live in! But the surprising thing is how sexist women are.K. Dear God. I believe that divorce is more socially acceptable than single motherhood or being honest about your future. dancing and whooping it up. He put . women who are gay and have the nerve to attack me in the press and say that my choice to have a baby and not be married is contributing to the destruction of the nuclear family. When I could hear my baby’s heart beating. Enjoying my new freedom and showing off. Today I am having amniocentesis and I’ve never been more scared in my life. Camille Paglia. Does anyone complain that neither Susan Sarandon nor Goldie Hawn is married to the father of her children? Who said a word when Woody Allen and Mia Farrow had a child and continued to live across the park from each other? Why are these people not expected to be rolemodels? Why are these things never an issue with men? I believe that most people would be more comfortable if I got married and the marriage failed. For the first time I felt fiercely protective.because of the stupid quarantine laws in this country. but just barely. As damage control. To keep from crying out or destroying something. There are discussions and arguments in editorial columns all over the US concerning my status as a single mother and whether I am a good role model for young girls. May 6. We filmed a scene where Magaldi brings me to the big city and we go to a cantina and I end up in the arms of several men. London [Monday. Women who are educated. 1996]: I survived the weekend. London [Tuesday. I was instantly reassured. 1996]: I am writing today as therapy. They are afraid that I will raise my baby [a la Joan Crawford in Mommie Dearest] all alone in a dark mansion. please let this day go smoothly and please let me sleep tonight. And please let my baby be O. so a very comforting Indian doctor came to the set to examine me. May 7. The second day I started getting a cramping feeling and I got worried. Today is the first day of shooting at Shepperton and it’s all dancing and I’m worried about my tummy showing and I’m worried I’ll be too tired to get through the day and I’m worried that the corner of Xanax I’ve nibbled on the last two nights is going to deform my baby for sure. I survived my amniocentesis. went as far as to imply that I had a child out of wedlock because I’m unable to bond with a man and that the public is justified in being outraged because people are concerned for the welfare of the child. On a good note.

May 11. Now. There never seems to be enough time to finish our work each day without going into serious overtime. but I guess she was so surprised she had to go around asking people to verify her findings. It’s tedious to constantly edit everything that comes out of your mouth for fear that you will be misquoted or. I know I didn’t sound like an idiot the day before. London [Saturday. It’s also good because it allows for 45 minutes on my Lifecycle or Stairmaster before going off to work in the hope that I will avoid water retention and weight gain and that my costumes will continue to fit. but it showed its complete and utter annoyance with the intrusion by turning away from the camera and refusing to give up any information. May 9. 1996]: I am so tired.the needle in with out numbing the area. Production seems more chaotic than ever – a last minute scramble to fit everything in. we had a long philosophical discussions about everything from motherhood to being Catholic to fearing death. When the procedure was finished we tried to determine the baby’s sex by moving the camera between its legs. It was probably when she asked me what method of birth control I used after I told her that I didn’t discover I was pregnant until my eleventh week. This one writer in particular [from Vogue magazine] has me feeling really very nervous. They intrude into our private world. Then I proceeded to dig a hole in Caresse’s hand with my nails while the doctor withdrew the amniotic fluid. asking several members of the cast and crew if they thought I was intelligent. yet I feel guilty. I have some very important scenes coming up. they don’t understand that our silly behavior or emotional outbursts are a result of exhaustion. the most important scenes in the . We had a long interview on my day off while I was recovering from the giant needle invasion. London [Thursday. In addition to this. I know I have every right to be distracted by these things. the baby instinctively moved away from it and raised its hand into little fists to hide its face. journalists from a number of publications have been frequenting the set like birds of prey. 1996]: Two weeks left of filming and the discomforts of being pregnant and the future demands of motherhood are becoming my sole preoccupation. writing on their little pads and looking away nervously when they make eye contact with me. misunderstood. I need to stay focused and hang on for two more weeks. I thought that things went well. Instead of bumping into the needle. she did not endear herself to me. Not exactly exchanging pleasantries. worse. Needless to say. which really hurt.. which isn’t such a bad idea considering that an hour later the jackhammers next door will start up and send me running out of my bed anyway. For some reason this gave me relief. In fact. I’ve been getting up all week at six A.M. The astonished look on her face when I told her it was none of her business leads me to believe that she will not be kind. which was what I feared. She spent the next day on the set. A girl/boy after my own heart. It causes me to feel so paranoid. I’m trying to think when I turned against her.

even off-camera. London [Sunday. But God works in mysterious ways. pounding my fists on the desk and feeling like some kind of deranged monster. Oh yeah. and the entire room was a snot factory all day. mothers do these sorts of things. By the end of the day I was madly in love with her and when we had to say good-bye she said she wished I were her mother and my eyes welled up with tears. The work we are doing now is so hard and so intense and I am so profoundly tired. They were all about eight or nine years old and they were so affectionate and the would anxiously grab my hands and smother me kisses inbetween takes. May 14. 1996]: Today is Mother’s Day and as usual I’m depressed. decided to attach themselves to me. May 12. Today he sent me flowers. I mustn’t be unfaithful to her. I feel so old and worn out. Figures. I’m such a sap. where I meet with poor people and promise things like houses and bicycles and jobs. My movie family was there. Take after painful take. “Happy Mother’s Day!” Then later on. thinking. we were shooting a scene in my office. Carlos has been very sweet and supportive on the phone. People ask me if I’ve gone shopping for baby clothes or thought about names and I stare blankly at them. If . I always get sad around this time of year for the obvious reasons. I was giving an angry speech to a group of union leaders in my office when I felt the baby kick for the first time. I long to know the sensation of having a mother to hug or to call up and say conspiratorial things to about how difficult men are. London [Tuesday. I had to resist the temptation to hold my belly and laugh out loud. Not give in to thinking about where I’m going to have my baby and where I want it to go to school and what the results of the amnio test are going to be. I was a wreck. In two weeks I’ll be back on a plane flying away from all this lunacy with the only thing that really matters growing inside of me. for I received several gifts on the set of the movie today. I even hide the numerous books I have on being pregnant and having children from friends and coworkers lest they think I’ve turned into some weepy domesticated female. trivial things. but I feel I cannot give in to this sort of gooey sentimentality until I have breathed Eva’s last breath. and my beautiful baby kicked me in the side as if to say. On the longer breaks they told me about their cats and dogs and horrible brothers and what they wanted to be when they grew up. It had to remain my delicious and lovely secret. They saddest and most forlorn of the group [her name was Levi] said she wanted to be like me. I need to hunker down with my nose to the grindstone. You know. God. There I was in a room full of suits and cigars and mustaches. with Jonathan holding my hand. The most complicated things I can think about outside of the movie are along the lines of whether I should remove my belly button ring now or later and what nationality I want the nanny to be.film have been very sadistically saved for the last two weeks of filming. 1996]: Today I died a thousands deaths. or to simply share my joy with. and three of the sweetest little girls who were extras. This year I am even sadder because I’m sure she would be the happiest to know that I am having a baby.

Even my complaining is boring me. Later: Well. London [Thursday. gray haired hunchbacked old lady and say. security guards. and I realized I had grown to love each and every member of our traveling circus. Joan Leder. Last night my fans caused a bit of a riot in front of my house. May 16. The twenty extras who were hired for me to react to were poor substitutes for the enthusiastic Argentineans. for an emergency voice lesson in case I had to sing live. My fans have gotten into the habit of hoisting themselves up onto this ledge to peer inside the grounds. London [Saturday. I did it and it wasn’t so bad after all. We truly are a family. The lesson went great even though we did it on the speakerphone with her two year old screaming in the background. secretaries. This movie is destroying my body. May 20. but it’s not working. Old before my time. You know everyone’s coming to have the time of their life and you’re just so sure you’re going to disappoint them. runners. well. Even the ones who got on my nerves. 1996]: I’ve been waiting in my dressing room for hours to do my close ups of the famous balcony scene. I still feel like my eyeballs had been dug out of their sockets. May 18.someone came into the room right now he would see a sagging. 1996]: I slept a luxurious seven hours last night. This baby is. I alternate between swilling Mylanta and sipping ginger tea. It reminds me of when I was a little girl and I’d get into some sort of silly trouble and my stepmother would give a me a wooden spoon and tell me to go upstairs and wait in her room with the door closed and she would come up later to spank me. Last night when I returned from work they all jumped on the ledge at once and pulled the whole damn thing over in one resounding thud. but at least I have the day off. “Jeez. In a moment of panic I called my voice teacher. that’s me. In a matter of minutes all my favorite crew members. I can’t take the pressure. I felt so much love and support in the room that I forgot we we not in Argentina. I’ve dreaded shooting this scene in the way I dreaded singing the song in the studio. For the first time I thought. I’m trying to feel nonchalant. My faith in the humanity has been restored. Everyone chalks it up to my being pregnant. The fact that they are making me wait is torture. so I asked Alan if we could fill the room with people working on the movie. There’s an old stone wall that surrounds the front yard and it has a ledge halfway up that is in a serious state of decay. I made it safely into the . It’s like throwing a New Year’s Eve party. London [Monday. and miscellaneous children were standing below my balcony beaming up at me. Throw in the anxiety of waiting for the results of the amnio test and you have the makings of what feels like an ulcer. but I know the real reason is that I don’t get enough sleep and my nerves are shot. not destroying my body but altering it beyond recognition. I didn’t know women could bear children in their 80s!” Yep. 1996]: I’ve developed a strange nervous-stomach condition that causes so much pain that sometimes I have to lie down in the middle of a scene.

so it’s just me and the boys. May 26. how most movies are scheduled. I understand now why most actors are alcoholics. I realize now that this whole movie was scheduled around the availability of locations and the construction of sets. My supposed fans are out of school and making all sorts of irritating . 1996]: Work is so ugh! We’re crawling through the last days. Every day is so full and there’s never enough time. London [Friday. The crew alternates between complete exhaustion and absolute giddiness. Will I spend my last days of shooting as a homeless vagrant? At this point I am positively allergic to hotels and there is a lovely park with some nice benches for sleeping right down the street. I slipped and fell rushing to the elevator in a scene we were shooting. May 27. May 23. so I better call the police and fill out a police report. Jonathan. Today he put his head on my shoulder for several minutes and I petted him like he was my little puppy. is throwing us out of her house in five days. Jimmy. God. There are no easy days at work. The intensity of the scenes we’ve been shooting and the amount of emotional work and concentration that is needed to get through the day are so mentally and physically exhausting that I’m sure I will need to be institutionalized when it’s over. but it’s completely unfair to the actors. drug addicts. London [Sunday. May 24. but all I could think about was how irate the owners would be and how they probably threaten me with a lawsuit. I slammed my fingers in the elevator door. I’ve become very accident-prone lately. 1996]: Not knowing what our last day of shooting is going to be makes me feel so incredibly helpless and anxiety-ridden. London [Monday. 1996]: Today is a bank holiday in London. Why don’t they leave me alone? Today I get the results of my amnio. London [Thursday. I have eaten all the skin off the inside of my mouth. or Scientologists. We all cried when we said good-bye. later on. Alan walks around looking shattered. Tonight my arms are covered with bruises from being manhandled by the military police. Lady Hinlip. Dare I say it? I am tired of being her. The streets are dead and the skies are gray. I thought these kind of things happened only at rock concerts and soccer matches. 1996]: It’s getting harder and harder to write in my journal. Yesterday was my movie family’s last day of work. and Antonio are all wrapped now. This is. Later: The results of the amnio are back and the baby is fine and a female and I am deliriously happy! Thank you.house and let my security guards deal with the problem. Then they started arguing about whose fault it was. in fact. then. Sometimes he can be so damn sweet. Eventually the police showed up. One of the girls called another girl a nigger and then two other girls jumped the girl who said the n-word and pretty soon there was an all-girl rumbling in the rubble. our very aristocratic landlady.

I can’ t believe I don’t have to get up at six A. I tried in vain to write a closing journal entry on my last day of shooting. I wanted cast and crew members to flock to me imploring me to stay in touch. about my call time in my pretend angry voice. But I was just too damn tired. For me. Who called me Moushka and Mouse Head and Lou-Lou and made faces at me until I laughed every morning. I wanted to throw myself on the ground and drown in my tears. I’m in a state of shock. Normally a day like this would put me in the foulest of moods. Granted my eyes were burning form the special-effects smoke. Ain’t life grand? New York [Wednesday. I envisioned myself breaking down completely when Alan yelled. but we did not finish filming until four A. 1996]: I’m home finally. I shall miss him terribly. And so was everyone else. I need a whole new suitcase for all the baby clothes that I’ve acquired. I wanted to hear trumpets and angels heralding my bravery. probably 18 hours. So what if my fingers were frozen and my belly was straining against my suit and I felt like puking. “That’s a wrap!” I’d rehearsed a whole good-bye speech that I would deliver while I sobbed and shivered in the cold. Every once in awhile I catch myself laughing out loud. work on the film isn’t truly over.M. My daughter is going to be the best-dressed girl in the world. it was time to leave for the airport.noises in front of my house. I thought the end would be so much more emotional. We’re going to exchange gifts and bitch and moan for the last time. I can’t believe I wont have to spend three hours each day doing my hair in elaborate braids and 40s rolls.M. May 29. And Darius. It ended just in the nick of time. I’m powering through this house stuffing suitcases and throwing out unwanted excess like there’ s no tomorrow. tomorrow or yell at Gallagher. For no particular reason. Alan and I gave each other a long bear hug. I think it will take me months to recover and a very long time before I’m able to digest all that has happened to me these past five months. But today I am grinning like the Cheshire cat. the second assistant director. I can’t believe I won’t have to paint my nails red and wear false teeth. but I know I’ll be seeing plenty more of him when we mix the record and do all the final dubbing. My life will never be the same. Tomorrow is our last day of shooting! Hooray! Granted it will be a long day. I couldn’t have taken one more minute of it. but the endless traveling and long hours of filming are. . and my legs felt like lead weights from standing on them for 16 hours. Everything is different now. but all at once it was over and all I felt was numbness. damp London night. in the morning and then the long good-byes and the long drive home and the last-minute packing. Tonight I’m going out to a farewell dinner with several members of cast and crew. and before I knew it. I wanted it all to end in a big crescendo. whom I’ve grown to love as a brother. but who cares? Today I’ve got enough adrenaline pumping through my veins to run a marathon.

for her and against her? Why did she evoke such a strong response in people. There’s nothing more that I can do. but I know one thing – I have grown to love her. It’s time to move on to the next chapter in my life. I hope and pray that people will see that when they watch the movie.Have I solved the riddle of Evita? Have I answered all the burning questions? Why was her country so passionately divided. She was a human being with hopes and dreams and human frailties. I’ve tried my best. then and now? Was she good or bad? Innocent or manipulative? I’m still not sure. Evita has left the building .

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