My Funniest Funnies

Let me see you turn that frown :( upside -down

:) Don't Fart in Bed This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you. "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in. Freds' Note

Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all." He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube?" Deadly Fruit One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of Indians attacked them and knocked them out. When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne. The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me." So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The chief then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed. Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The chief soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apparent reason, and was killed. The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy asks the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!" The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples." Parachute Trouble A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. After a bit, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens... He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail. Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going *up*!!

Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver -- by this time scared out of his wits -- yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?" The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?" COLLEGE LEG TEST A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten legs on them. Each bird had a sack over its head; only the legs were showing. He sat straight in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds' legs and give the common name, habitat, genus and species. The student looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it the madder he got. Finally he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and said, "What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?" With that the student threw his test on the professor's desk and walked to the door. The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name so as the student reached the door the professor called, "Mister, what's your name?" The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said, "You tell me buddy! You tell me!" In the window of an Indian shop along River Road... "Why go somewhere else to be cheated, when you can come here"? In a Nairobi restaurant... "Customers who find our waitress rude, ought to see the manager". In a Westland’s jewellery store... Ears pierced while you wait". On the grounds of a private school... "No trespassing without permission" On an Athi River highway... "Take notice; When this sign is under water, the road is impassable". On a poster at Kencom... "Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help". In a city restaurant... Open seven days a week and weekends too". In a cemetery... "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves". In a Mombasa hotel... "Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 daily".

for instance men & woman. Africa’s cleverest president has just taken my school backpack". One day he met a girl and fell in love. and I don't understand what it means. Nelson Mandela. I can’t afford to die" So he takes the first pack and leaves the plane. He loved them.. Spaghetti A doctor was having an affair with his Italian-born nurse. he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. He asked her what she thought might have caused the cardiac arrest." so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up his beloved baked beans. the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. "Dear. she became pregnant by him. says. the man called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. Since he still had several miles to walk. The second passenger." A plane is about to crash. Since they lived in the country. "That’s okay.A sign posted in a tourist camp site. I am the cleverest president in African history and Africa’s people won’t let me die. "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. "I am president of Zimbabwe and I have 13 Million helpless people who always look up to me for guidance. When it was apparent that they would marry. on the way home from work. and shortly after. he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got . I'll take care of all the child's expenses. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. The third passenger. he thought to himself "She'll never go for me carrying on like that. The first passenger says: "I’m Zinnedine Zidane." The doctor said. He replied." Not knowing what else to do. The fourth passenger. I’m also a New York senator and a potential future president "She takes the second parachute and jumps out. live together in one tent unless they are married to each other for that purpose". you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe. Once upon a time. Not wanting his wife to find out. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. he gave the nurse some money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. a 10-year-Chinese school boy. The wife picked up the card and read it to him: "Four Spaghettis: Two with sausage and meatballs. and fell to the floor with a heart attack. On his way home." Later that evening the doctor came home. Eventually. says: "I’m the most ambitious woman in the world. his car broke down.. says to the fifth passenger. It was his birthday a few months later and. Hillary Clinton. Fifa needs me. "But how will I let you know when the baby is born?" she asked. Robert Mugabe. "Just wait until I get home. "It is strictly forbidden in our camping site that people of different sex. says the boy. Above all. the world’s best soccer player. "So he puts on his pack and jumps out. that they got married. There are five passengers on board but only four parachutes. "I’ve lived a full and fruitful life and I’m well prepared for the after-life so I’ll let you have the last parachute". and I will explain it to you. read the postcard. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office. two without. "There’s a parachute for each one of us.

so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. While she was gone. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately. and smelled worse. "You didn't even examine that woman." "Huh. "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct. I think I'll try that at the next house. the flowers on the table were dead. but ripe as a rotten egg. and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. "Darling. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?" As they left the younger man said. just like you at the last house. "Surprise!!" To his shock and horror. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. the elder doc said. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. "Well. It was not only loud. she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold. I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him. "I've been a little sick to my stomach. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. a minute later. and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans." As they left." ." "You've probably been doing too much work for the church. After assuring her he had not. He had a hard time breathing. Apologizing for taking so long. she removed the blindfold and yelled. when another urge came on. All the way home he 'putt-putted'. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. She exclaimed. they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. That was what was probably making her sick. but how did you arrive at it?" "Well. there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.home. he tried fanning his arms awhile." the younger doctor told her. At the first house a woman complained. When I bent down to retrieve it. and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded. and she went to answer the phone. When he heard his wife saying goodbye (indicating the end of his loneliness." the younger doctor said. he carried on like this for the next ten minutes. he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. To keep from gagging. hoping the smell would dissipate. farting and fanning them each time with his napkin. So he went in and ordered. the windows rattled. "Pretty sneaky. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving. he seized the opportunity. Smiling contentedly. He had just started to feel better. the telephone rang. A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway." The older doctor said. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps. I dropped my stethoscope." Arriving at the next house. This was a real blue-ribbon winner. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?" "I didn't have to. I noticed the preacher under the bed. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. the dishes on the table shook and.

Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want. Finding the door locked. 3. but the people conducting the study were attacked by robbers on the way to the airport. you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.before and after marriage. and she does. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. So. we'll consider her "The Working Class. so let's call me "Capitalism. The study made use of an ordinary looking man standing in the airport terminal and reading a newspaper. The little boy replies. think if it makes sense. son." And your baby brother. To be happy with a man. the little boy says to his father. In Washington DC it was stolen within 3 minutes and 16 seconds. The next morning. Any married man should forget his mistakes. To be happy with a woman. 6. the Government is sound asleep. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change. the little boy goes off to bed. "Good son. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. Observers then recorded how long it took for the briefcase to be snatched: In Brussels the case was stolen within 4 minutes and 20 seconds. let me try to explain it to you this way. but he doesn't. "Dad. 4. we'll call him "The Future. In LA it took only 43 seconds before the case was snatched. The experiment was going to be held at Jomo Kenyatta International Airport in Nairobi. which he would ignore. so we'll call her "The Government". the case was stolen within 1 minute and 5 seconds. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. while Capitalism is having fun with the Working Class. What is the difference between men and women? 1. We're here to take care of YOUR needs so we'll call you "The People". Kenya. 5. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman. "Well. tell me in your own words what you think politics is about". the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep rubbish. beaten severely and the briefcase stolen along with the car! A little boy goes to his Dad and asks. "What's politics?" Dad says. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. "I'm the breadwinner of the family. " Your Mom is the administrator of the household. He gives up and goes back to bed. 7. The nanny works hard all day for very little money so. I think I understand the concept of politics now. 8. thinking about what his Dad has said. A woman marries a man expecting he will change. "Well. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing! . A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. he goes to the nanny's room. Not wanting to wake her. 2. he peeks into the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the Nanny. He had an empty briefcase next to him." Now. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. you must understand him a lot and love him a little.A study was made recently to determine the average crime rate at international airports around the world. Later that night he hears his baby brother crying so he gets up to check on him. In New York. At Heathrow the briefcase was snatched in less than 2 minutes." The father says. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. and the head and butt are interchangeable. He was damaged in the growing part. 10. 9.. those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end. Sing along at the opera. She is administrating.9.. Please excuse Lola for being absent. skip rather than walk. and when the job takes longer than you said it would... today. "That's what you think.. "What was that for?" the man asked. See if they slow down. 10. everything inside them is in alphabetical order." As often as possible. It was his father's fault. 2. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.I did: At lunchtime. The wife replied "That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your trouser pocket. She was sick and I had her shot. Please execute her. sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. Please excuse Jenny." The wife apologised and went on with the housework." The third surgeon says.. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.." The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know." The second responds.. I like construction workers." The man then said "When I was at the races last week.. "Yeah. 3.. Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. Women look at a wedding as the beginning of romance. When the money comes out of the ATM. "No. The first surgeon says. Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on. Kevin was absent from school yesterday because he was playing football. We have to attend her funeral. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.. My daughter is under a doctor's care and should not take P. Please excuse Jesse from school. no heart. 4.." Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. 7. Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies. scream "I Won! I Won! 3rd time this week!" A man was sitting reading his paper when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. Please excuse Holly from Jim today. "I like to see accountants on my operating table. because when you open them up. but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded. 5. I thought you'll enjoy this. switch to espresso. He had very loose vowels. 8.. Reply to everything someone says with. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions. . Jimmy has been absent yesterday because he had two teeth taken out of his face." But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN. She has been sick and under the doctor. I really think librarians are the best." These are the top ten funniest excuse notes from parents collected by schools from all over this country: 1.. Sandra won't be in school a week from today.E.. 6.. and no spine. A woman has the last word in any argument. Please excuse Johnny for being.. There's no guts. Amy could not come to school today because she was bothered by very close veins. while men look at a wedding as the ending of romance.. everything inside is numbered.

The boy asked. If anything." "You must be an engineer. "everything you told me is technically correct. but especially by two shiny. but now. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement. "Son." the farmer said. "A cow just gave me advice about my car!" he shouted. voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. "Boy. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped.Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan." answered the balloonist. go git yo Momma. and the fact is I'm still lost. "Oh. She doesn't know a darn thing about cars. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again. Frankly. "I believe it's your radiator. can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago." said the cow.. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life. you've not been much help at all." A city man was tooling down a country road when his car sputtered to a complete stop near a field filled with cows." replied the balloonist.. The man nearly jumped right out of his city slicker britches! He ran to the nearest farmhouse and knocked on the door." "I am. but I've no idea what to make of your information. waving his arms franticly back toward the field. "How did you know?" "Well. silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. said quietly to his Son. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met." said the balloonist. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. but I don't know where I am. I ain't got no idea'r what it is. "Your horse phoned. I dunno." Go Git Yo Mamma A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. "Yes! Yes! That's the one!" the excited man replied. "Excuse me." said the woman. "Don't pay any attention to her. "you don't know where you are or where you're going. knocking him unconscious. and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems." The woman below responded.. What's 'at?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded. You have risen to where you are -. "I am." replied the woman. The father. A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground." . The driver. They were amazed by almost everything they saw. He descended a bit more and shouted. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep. you've delayed my trip." The woman below replied. not taking his eyes off the young woman. somehow. "Paw. "but how did you know?" "Well. noticed one of the cows looking at him. The farmer nonchalantly leaned out beyond the door frame to glance down the field.due to a large quantity of hot air. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. getting out to see what was the matter. Well. a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. "The cow with two big black spots on it?" the farmer asked slowly. turning back to the man. "You must be in Management. it's my fault. that's Ethel.

Doyle was flabbergasted. when my family was eating at a KFC. who hunts them late at night. The brunette feared for her life.. my father. Mr. "I'm trying to blow the horn. the creator of the world-famous detective Sherlock Holmes. 'This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. After everyone was finished eating. my brother was sent to the counter to get more honey-mustard sauce for the chicken strips. during the day in flight. as he crosses a road.Sir Arthur Conan Doyle..' A group of burglars (of a particular hair colour) were robbing a bank. being one who can really make a point and not too happy about the cost of the fast food meal.. 'What is that?' 'Your name is on the front of your suitcase. he was waiting at a taxi stand outside the railway station in Paris.' The puzzled Doyle asked him how he knew he was Conan Doyle. You are a real-life counterpart to my fictional creation. "You mean H I S T O R Y!" The burglar shouted back. "How much are toothpicks?". or you'll be GEOGRAPHY!" The cashier laughed and said. Your clothing is very English. Then the bats radar. When a taxi pulled up. He was informed that it would be 45 cents for another little container. Son: I'm not working now. Nearly missing a cars windshield. The place roared. "What are you doing?!" The blonde calmly replied. One of them pointed a gun at a teller's head and shouted: "Give me all your money. This is the taxi stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. loudly. took care of the transaction. about six at the time. some jerk pulled in front of them. 'This is truly amazing. he placed his suitcase in the car and took a seat next to it. but had the courage to ask. and my brother. sir. One day. a blonde and a brunette were out for a ride in the blonde's new car. sent my same twin brother to the counter to inquire. was not above telling tales about himself in which he was the laughing-stock. "THE JUNE BUG" Tiny little June bug. And so. . Constantly on the move.' 'There is one other thing.' the driver said. He asked the driver whether he knew him by sight. I deduced that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. Your skin colour tells me you have been on vacation. The blonde then put her lips on the steering wheel." Father: Why don't you get yourself a job? Son: Why? Father: So you could earn some money..' Doyle remarked.and you would never have to work again. The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you're a writer. I have never seen you before. 'Where can I take you. Doyle?' asked the taxi driver. In one situation. "Don't change the subject. and not French. across the open meadow flying. a life that's death defying. 'No. Suddenly." Once upon a time. Trying to escape the birds. Son: Why? Father: So you could put some money in a bank and earn interest.. Dad gave him the money when he came back to the table for it. Son: Why? Father: So that when you're old you can use the money in your account.. Sherlock Holmes.

a strange light he decided to tap. Starfish don't have brains. the last sound he heard was zzzap. dough-faced. Always hiding and dodging." In Shakespeare's time. in a careless mood. that's where the phrase. The "save" icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy disk. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married. with the shutter on backwards. He came to a house. A boys string. just so his life to live. The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4. The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated. he was searching for his food. Mead is a honey beer. Then late one night. The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog. A duck's quack doesn't echo. of a very hungry toad. he coughed and hiccoughed. Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka. Butterflies taste with their feet.000 years ago that for a month after the wedding. As a fast learner. and was feeling very happy. The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. he knows about every trick. where in circles he would fly around. sleep tight" came from. Who wants a dentist who's major patients were in the 'Dirty South' and a "lot of teeth" is more than four? He just wouldn't know what to do!!! Interesting facts: The ant can lift 50 times its own weight. and no one knows why. opened my mouth and had him exclaim: "WOW! you sure do have a lot of teeth!" You better believe I grabbed my things and was out the door. "good night. He's not in any hurry. this period was called the "honeymonth" or what we know today as the "honeymoon. as he sat on the ground. meaning "containing arsenic. (developed by Western Union to test Telex/twx communications) The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable. as does arsenious. his last breath to give. He's lasted half the summer. a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined. Over to it he flew. and is now very quick.Then the long sticky tongue. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. In 10 minutes.000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs. after falling into a slough. and because their calendar was lunar based. making the bed firmer to sleep on. Nearly crushed by a shoe." It takes 3." uses every letter in the alphabet. can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order. thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough." . The quickest dental appointment I've ever had was when I sat in the dentist's chair. mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes when you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened.

The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand. Cat's urine glows under a blacklight. the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. An animal epidemic is called an epizootic. A group of larks is called an exaltation. according to the Oxford English Dictionary. Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants. Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan All porcupines float in water. you are entitled to receive $. The only nation whose name begins with an "A". In England. but doesn't end in an "A" is Afghanistan. A group of unicorns is called a blessing. too. A group of kangaroos is called a mob. The longest word in the English language. A group of rhinos is called a crash. actually) to keep from freezing. Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards. If you bring a raccoon's head to the Henniker. Customers wrote and told how much they loved that it floated.] Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor.950. you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.000 times. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring. it will not be heads 5. [It floats in gasoline. relax and correct itself. Ben and Jerry's sends the waste from making ice cream to local pig farmers to use as feed. A group of ravens is called a murder. while dogs only have about ten. New Hampshire town hall. Armadillos are the only animal besides humans that can get leprosy. The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds.000 times. but more like 4. A group of owls is called a parliament. Twelve or more cows are known as a "flink. Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head." Camel's milk does not curdle. and it has floated ever since. The heads picture weighs more. "Three dog night" (attributed to Australian Aborigines) came about because on especially cold nights these nomadic people needed three dogs (dingos. Non-dairy creamer is flammable. Pigs love the stuff. its plural. A group of whales is called a pod. and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified. engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building. is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. Ivory bar soap floating was a mistake. . If you toss a penny 10." A group of frogs is called an army. They had been overmixing the soap formula causing excess air bubbles that made it float. Every time you lick a stamp. so it ends up on the bottom. Hydroxydesoxycorticosterone and hydroxydeoxycorticosterones are the largest anagrams. The only other word with the same amount of letters is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses. The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built. except for one flavor: Mint Oreo.10 from the town. A group of officers is called a mess. Armadillos have four babies at a time and they are always all the same sex.

silver. dogs only have about ten.) No word in the English language rhymes with month. Right handed people live.345.hence the expression "to get fired.S. A polar bear's skin is black. When it got extremely cold outside. Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses down .The saying "it's so cold out there it could freeze the balls off a brass monkey" came from when they had old cannons like ones used in the Civil War. but actually clear. Vermont is the only U. If the population of China walked past you in single file. the rider died a politician. on average. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors. Did you know you share your birthday with at least 9 million people. Queen Elizabeth II. and about a gallon to clean the pot. moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns. No word in the English language rhymes with month. if the horse has all four legs on the ground.. Its fur is not white.111 x 111.987. Women blink nearly twice as much as men.111. 111. Montpelier.111. Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously." Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village. A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair. state capital without aMcDonald's.000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in firstclass. It takes about a half a gallon of water to cook macaroni. but our nose and ears never stop growing. The first Ford cars had Dodge engines. Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time. Thus the saying.678. China has more English speakers than the United States. She would stand seven feet.321 If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air." Marilyn Monroe had six toes. if the horse has one front leg in the air. Boston. American Airlines saved $40. they would crack and break off. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. the person died of natural causes. The cruise liner. Babies are born without knee caps.111 =12. the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age. nine years longer than left handed people do. Cat's urine glows under a black light. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.654. Massachusetts) is one of the few places in the world a boat can sail under a train driving under a car driving under an airplane. The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with. The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night. A snail can sleep for 3 years. Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants. it will eventually turn white. The Boston University Bridge (on Commonwealth Avenue. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself. If Barbie were life-size her measurements would be 39-23-33. Our eyes are always the same size from birth. the person died in battle. note: if the rider's head is up the horse's ass. two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human's neck." There are two credit cards for every person in the United States. the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. called a brass monkey. The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. . Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.. orange. and purple. The cannonballs were stacked in a pyramid formation. If you keep a Goldfish in the dark room. (ed.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older. They are supposed to help you solve problems. is feminine-"la maison" "Pencil" in French. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves. you have to turn them on. The men's group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computer"). by gender. however. 2. you could have gotten a better model. and 4.Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined. Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. A cockroach will live nine days without its head. are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. nouns. (although not individually!!) A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out. before it starves to death. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation. The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE. The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. unlike their English counterparts. and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. but half the time they ARE the problem. In the great fire of London in 1666 half of London was burnt down but only 6 people were injured. concluded that computers should be masculine ('le computer") because: 1. 3. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. is masculine-"le crayon" One puzzled student asked. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It to Beaver". you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. As soon as you make a commitment to one. In order to do anything with them. The women won. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough. Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day. and 4. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath. because: 1. A language teacher was explaining to her class that in French. The women's group. 2. Polar bears are left-handed. "House" in French. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review. "What gender is a computer?" The teacher did not know. you realize that if you had waited a little longer. 3. . As soon as you commit to one. and the word was not in her French dictionary. For example.

The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home. Nothing was unusual about the cabin except the stove. They came across an isolated cabin. "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! So how could you get lost ? " Leaning close to grandma. and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada.." "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. the manager of the store was sitting beside me telling me not to move." . the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. we are a part of NATO. a psychologist. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights. Noticing them before his grandfather did. and that one word is 'to be prepared'. you guys are fast!" Little Billy..." "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." "The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country. At the same time my pager went off and he looked at me and asked. shocked “Boy. “What was that? I said "My pager. Suddenly. so that the policeman couldn't hear.." "It's time for the human race to enter the solar system. and his grandfather entered the vacation cabin. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable." "We have a firm commitment to NATO. and grandpa Morris gets out. but they discovered the cabin was unlocked and they entered. said grandma.. I had gone in to get a head of lettuce and some apples." "I have made good judgments in the past. What was strange about it was its location . Unknown to me the floor was wet from the newly installed produce sprayers. I am 911. "Fascinating. Morris whispered. "Lost I wasn't.. We have a firm commitment to Europe. "It's no use. teachers are the only profession that teach our children. and made of cast-iron. Still.. it was not uncommon for my husband and me to stop at the local grocer to buy food for dinner after a call." "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls. isolated from humanity. hitting my head hard. It was a simple place ." said the psychologist. it was suspended in midair by wires attached to the ceiling beams. 2 rooms with a minimum of furniture and household equipment. Grandpa." "The future will be better tomorrow. No one answered their knocks." "Quite frankly.." An engineer. We are a part of Europe... pot-bellied." "We're going to have the best educated American people in the world. has elevated this stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to the womb. far removed from any town. and kept the lights off until they were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. space is still a high priority.I was just too tired to walk home. we run the risk of failure. "It is obvious that this lonely trapper. a few fireflies followed them in." He looked at me. Down I went. Little Billy whispered.LOST IN THE PARK: A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house.. When I came to. I have made good judgments in the future." "We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." "If we don't succeed." RAPID RESPONSE Working on a small town ambulance. It was large. that he had called 911. so they knocked on the door to ask permission to rest." "Public speaking is very easy. "Oh Morris"." "For NASA." "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.

0 and NBA 3.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2. "what are you doing in my bed?" A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5. DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1. WAV files. When the trapper finally returned. he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same thing." said the woman. After a while a beggar came up to her and said. or Beer 6.3 to fix these problems.0.1. Good Luck. "I'm not one of your cheap pickups!" "Well then. he has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin.0.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.0.7. In summary. how's about us going for a walk together. In addition.5 and Personal Attention 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs.0 is a great program. At last. then left.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance. Husband 1. he decided to drive a few miles away.0 and Lingerie 7. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2. What can I do? Desperate Dear Desperate: First keep in mind. there was the cat! He kept taking the cat farther and farther away. not much stove pipe." The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue. The next day. By elevating his stove. If all works as designed. the man answers: "Put that cat on the phone.0. "Had plenty of wire. Boyfriend 5.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly. Hours later.5." "With all due respect. Happy Hour 7.5. such as Romance 9. "The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics.0 is an entertainment package. But remember. then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there." said the beggar.0 to Husband 1. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.0. "I'm sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. the cat was walking up the driveway. Whatever you do. I've tried running Nagging 5.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2. particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 and Flowers 3. is the cat there?" "Yes.0 is an operating system. His answer was succinct."Nonsense!" replied the engineer. Husband 1. As he was nearing home." the wife answers. glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax. "Why do you ask?" Frustrated." Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5. overuse can cause Husband 1. Fire LIFTED UP has been a religious symbol for centuries. while Husband 1. past the bridge. but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.6 simply crashes the system. but the darn cat would always beat him home. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.5. As we was driving back into his driveway." interrupted the theologian. "Hello luv. And now Conversation 8. I personally recommend Hot Food 3. they immediately asked him why he had hung his heavy pot-bellied stove from the ceiling. Tech Support "Park Bench" A woman sat down on a park bench. Beer 6. turn right. I'm lost and I need directions!" . the man calls home to his wife: "Jen. but to no avail." "How dare you. Husband 1.

. According to the Italian police. so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself (to get more money) for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him. "That's not what I said!" Ouch.." he said... The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.." "Let's see the $2. More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10. Trips to the moon also available. An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. shouting pleas to come out and give himself up. A man walked in to a Topeka."He was seen hopping and jumping around.. Did I Say That?!.. A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. Are We Not Communicating?. Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to holdup a Bank of America branch without awe upon. he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. the would-be space travellers were told to spend their "next vacation on Mars.... Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup.. The salesperson .. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.. Apparently. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words. "No. A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms.000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. "This is her husband!" THE HEARING AID Morris realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid. amid the splendours of ruined temples and painted deserts." the man shouted. California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home... which he claimed had been stolen. but he felt unwilling to spend much money." said Morris the miser. "Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars.. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. the take was too small.. Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer!. an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain. Kansas Kwik Shop.. and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. "How much do they cost?" he asked the salesperson. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. but unfortunately.. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun... After firing ten tear gas canisters. In Modesto. In Ohio. "That depends. "Give me all your money or I'll shoot..00 to $2. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain. "with an explosion taking place inside his pants.000.. That Smarts!. you idiot!" the man shouted.. CA." said police spokesman Mike Carey.Police in Oakland...00 model. "They run from $2. officers discovered that the man was standing beside them.

" "MY BABY" I shouted "I'm not even married. "Well how are you feeling?" she asked "Crazy" I said. S: Cat installed.put the device around Morris' neck. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. I was sore and drowsy and resisted. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. S: That's what they're there for! P: IFF inoperative. S: DME volume set to more believable level. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics." She looked shocked and the other women in the ward started whispering. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket. When I woke up I had no idea that I had been placed in the maternity wing. "How does it work?" . asked Morris. in a 4 bed ward." One summer when I was still in college." he instructed. "For $2. Just when I thought I was going to completely loose it. where they admitted me. S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft. fly right." the salesperson replied. before these people give me a baby to take home. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. . S: Suspect you're right. "Get me out of here. P: Test flight OK. S = the solution or corrective action taken by the mechanics. and decided I had to have an emergency appendectomy. my boss arrived." When my boss finally got the whole mess cleared up we had a good laugh about it. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent. P: Aircraft handles funny. My boss contacted my parents and I was soon in surgery. Later. S: Evidence removed. well she did. she said “There now let's don't get upset. I got a job working on a film crew as a gofer. On the flight there I started to feel sick but just marked it up to motion sickness. S: Reprogrammed radar with words. in the oil fields out in the boonies. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up. P: Mouse in cockpit. and be serious.00 it doesn't work. I'll call a nurse to talk to you. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on backorder. Late in the day a young nurses aid came in to get me up. S: Something tightened in cockpit. They were shooting in a job in Oklahoma that summer. laughing was tough on my stitches. I don't have a baby. Qantas is supposedly the only major airline that has never had an accident: P = the problem the pilots entered in the log. "But when people see it on you. P: Radar hums. however I got so much worse that my boss took me to the closest hospital. they'll talk louder. By the way. P: Suspected crack in windscreen." Shortly a very kind nurse came in and started asking me questions that made me realize that she thought I was an unmarried mother. now" she said "we'll go see your baby. "Come on. except autoland very rough. They were short of beds and that was the only room they had.

" There was an unexpected knock on my door. Well. the pastor said. The toy arrived in 189 pieces. when it was all put together. By the end of the week. It was her next door neighbor who said. "I don't get it. lay in bed--mourning the passing of her cat and fearing that the same fate could befall her guests. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer. "Who's there?" "Parcel post. I was dispatched to check out the security fence where an alarm had gone off. I have a package that needs a signature. so I ran around and flapped my arms to scare off the animal. She had to confess to her guests that she'd served mousse eaten by the cat and now the cat was dead. I'd probably just use these. The deliveryman held it up. along with a 50 cent tip and a note that read." he replied wearily. the phone rang.. it worked. No one raised a hand. who hadn't eaten any because she knew her cat had. Our pastor asked who had bagged a deer. Scene V. "I'm sorry about your cat.. and like I always do I first opened the peephole and asked. keep up the good work!" One night at McChord Air Force Base in Washington.SALMON MOUSSE A housewife was having several couples over for dinner that night. Weary of constantly picking clothes up from the floor of her son's room. I found that a raccoon was the culprit. Proudly she stood to bring the empty plate out to the kitchen and looked out the window." A teacher was correcting exam papers when he came across Peter's effort: a sheet of paper. a mother finally laid down the law: each item of clothing she had to pick up would cost her son 25 cents. The housewife. Salmon mousse. lay her cat. The fence was at the end of the base runway. The entire dinner party rushed to the hospital to have their stomachs pumped. She received the money promptly. "Lady. "I cannot do this bloody thing.So I just put her on your lawn." And he pulled out the keys I had left in the door. Last Sunday many of you said you were missing because of hunting season. The teacher reached for his Shakespeare and turned to Macbeth where he found that the 28th line of the fifth scene of the second act read. Just before her guests arrived. still not convinced. "Well. "Attention to the airman at the end of the runway. next to the house. cut it into 189 pieces and mailed it off to the company. "Thanks. Line 28". Then. There. . "Could I see some ID?" I said. When I got to the scene. Mom. so she smoothed it over and served it anyway. Dead. "if I wanted to break into your house. She had worked so hard that she couldn't throw the mousse away. Suddenly an air-traffic controller came over the public-address system and announces loudly.. I should have told you that I ran her over but I was just so ashamed and saw that you had a dinner party in progress. She slaved for hours that afternoon and finally created a masterpiece. Everyone took seconds or thirds. the mousse was a hit. It took the old man two days to assemble the toy. he owed her $1. They're all safe. he wrote a check. ma'am. Puzzled.50." The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. so she wanted to cook something special. blank apart from his name and "Act II Macbeth. You are cleared for takeoff. The instructions said that it could be put together in an hour." THE CHRISTMAS HOBBY HORSE: A grandfather bought a hobby horse by mail order as a Christmas present for his granddaughter." "Where's the package?" I asked suspiciously." One hunter groaned. Finally. she caught her cat nibbling away at the dish on the dining room table.

State of Michigan. Michigan. Your certified letter dated 12/17/01 has been handed to me to respond to. While I did not pay for.30101 to 324.. 2002. It was an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality. authorize. "Goat. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted.. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal.'" Unauthorized Activity This one is a genuine hoot.. Mr. 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.. Sec.The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner.. MI 49339 SUBJECT: DEQ File No. Ryan DeVries is not the legal Landowner and/or Contractor at 2088 Dagget. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.. Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. T11N... Montcalm County. Therefore. R10W. Ryan DeVries 2088 Dagget Pierson. David L. 20. Price District Representative Land and Water Management Division ******************* This is the actual response sent back.. Pierson.. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31." said Johnny "I heard Pa say to Ma.. 97-59-0023. causing debris and flooding at downstream locations." I would like to . Dear Mr.. "Are you sure about that?" "Yep. I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris.but read the letter before you get to the response. Sincerely. 20... of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act. nor supervise their dam project. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws. Re: DEQ File No. annotated. the minister asked their son what they were having. DeVries: It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property.. and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. T11N. R10W." Little Johnny replied. the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301. Montcalm County Dear Mr. Sec.. "Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth. 97-59-0023... Wait till you read this guy's response. Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Price. Inland Lakes and Streams. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. First of all.. I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.. being sections 324. *************************** Mr.

The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence. it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams. naturally so he can park his car there. So. He is. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301. Why wait until 1/31/2002? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then. Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994. well. their dam persistence. of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act. My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers. I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws.aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation . annotated. their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. however. What most people do is write nasty notes the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. as far as the beavers and I are concerned. I have several concerns. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills.). In my humble opinion. this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name. I am sending this response to your dam office. If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers . If you are going to investigate the beaver dam. Then he goes back to the lot to get his car. This apparently is a problem for the Chicago police every winter. In conclusion. the grass is green and water flows downstream. watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!) Being unable to comply with your dam request. In other words. Where the police get involved. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter. As to your request. When he returns home. their dam resourcefulness. I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity. then slave away for how ever many hours it takes to shovel out a carsized space in front of his house. and place them on the windshield of the offending vehicle. we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. through the Freedom of Information Act. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine. he finds that the space has been taken by some other car. Stephen L.30101 to 324. I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. they being unable to read English. is the occasional case where the . being sections 324. Inland Lakes and Streams. upset.Tvedten ******************* Here is one story about people shoveling the snow for a parking space in front their house. Sincerely.but if you are going to arrest them. the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue. their dam ingenuity. which the Department is required to protect. My first concern is . What happens is that somebody will park in a nearby parking lot.

That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most uniquely successful lawsuits in the United States for last year. so the ones who get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck. but our clergyman offered to give it a try. When the owner returned. They go to a building called a wrecked center. He watches all day so nobody can escape. The water. There is a swimming pool too. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds. considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. My grandma used to bake cookies and stuff. he smiled and confided. Then they go cruising in their golf carts. . Then he confidently spun the dial and opened the lock. Robertson's son. They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. but they must have got it fixed because it is all right now. instead of a car. A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. but I guess she forgot how. brick house. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the dollhouse. joint awards should be given to the plaintiff attorneys and the flaming idiots on the juries who awarded anything at all to these morons--who deserved NOTHING!!!! The following are this year's candidates: Kathleen Robertson of Austin. I mean. They play games and do exercises there. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren. One child wrote the following: We always spend our vacation with Grandma and Grandpa. The note on the car read: "You want the space? Here. Instead of doing the usual nasty. They used to live here in a big. he found a car-sized Popsicle. but they don't do them very well. it's yours until spring! Even if you're not a grandparent you will enjoy this. The Stella's are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonalds.individual vents his wrath in somewhat more violent means. of course. I guess they don't know how to swim. they just eat out. At their gate there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. I needed some supplies from a Sunday school cupboard that was seldom used and was secured with a lock. but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on.000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. was awarded $780. Texas. Tires and throats have been slashed over this. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict. They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. Nobody there cooks. too. Some of the people can't get past the man in the dollhouse to go out. but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. very thoroughly. very. he got out his garden hose and watered the automobile down. My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded one day. Father Jack placed his fingers on the lock's dial and raised his eyes heavenward for a moment. froze solid. Sometimes they sneak out. I didn't know the combination. Actually. Seeing how impressed I was with this demonstration of faith. One time a fellow got creative. "The numbers are written on the ceiling. real well." It's time once again to consider the candidates for the 2003 Stella Awards.

He couldn't reenter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. On his first trip home. She was awarded $12. Since they live on a farm. The jury awarded him $1. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32. $113. he's a little ticked off. Terrence Dickson of Bristol.500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit. Not surprisingly.750. and Mr. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's manual that he couldn't actually do this. Mr. she turned to go back in. Mr.000.50 cover charge. The family was on vacation. Kara Walton of Claymont.000 and dental expenses. In 1990 a woman entered a Haagen-Dazs in the Kansas City Plaza for an ice-cream cone. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City. Oklahoma. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps. turned and found herself face to face with Paul Newman. The jury agreed. He was in town filming a movie. Mr. crashed and overturned. Gaining her composure she suddenly realized she didn't have her cone. Delaware. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3. successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. was awarded $14. to the tune of $500. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. "Are you looking for your ice-cream cone?" Unable to utter a word she nodded yes. He said to her. Jerry Williams of Little Rock. the RV left the freeway. She placed her order. His blue eyes made her knees buckle. This year's favorite could easily be Mr.000 plus a new motor home. Arkansas. Well. having driven onto the freeway. so he goes to feed the chickens.foot Winnebago motor home. he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee." said the little boy." A little boy comes down to breakfast.500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx! (tailbone). She finished paying and quickly walked out of the store. He goes to . A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster. "You put it in your purse with your change. his mother asks if he had done his chores. At the door she again came face-to-face with Paul Newman who was coming out. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. her heart still pounding.A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74. This occurred while Ms. Pennsylvania. While she was ordering. "Not yet. and kicks a chicken. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. another customer entered the store. Pennsylvania.000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. and a large bag of dry dog food. just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreation vehicles. was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.. the more you have. some are pretty. "Because I run all the body's systems. "I saw you kick the chicken. Birthdays are good for you. Learn to work the toilet seat. the legs got wobbly. Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them? Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us. You're a big girl. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!) 1. so for a week you aren't getting any milk. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. You may be only one person in the world. 1. Crying is blackmail. the longer you live. so without me nothing would happen. All the organs of the body were having a meeting. so you don't get any bacon for a week either. Let it be. you need it down. and he kicks a cow. These are the rules! (Please note.." "I should be in charge. some are dull." said the rectum. "I should be in charge. Don't cry because it's over. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. the guys side of the story. "Because I allow the body to see where it goes. but you may also be the world to one person. some have weird names.. The Moral of the story? The asshole is usually in charge !! Finally. "because I carry the body wherever it ! n eeds to go." Just then. I saw you kick the pig." "I should be in charge.but they all exist very nicely in the same box. We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp.feed the cows." said the brain . He goes to feed the pigs. smile because it happened." Because I process food and give all of you energy. I also saw you kick the cow. and he kicks a pig." said the stomach. and all are different colors." his mother says. We need it up." said the eyes. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have milk in my cereal?" "Well. I must admit. so you don't get any eggs for a week." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him." "I should be in charge. trying to decide who was the one in charge. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile. Sunday = sports. And no. .. the brain had a terrible headache. Within a few days." said the blood. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Shopping is NOT a sport. and says. but it does include a free trip around the sun every year. the eyes got watery. 1.. his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the pussycat as he's walking into the kitchen. Now here are the rules from the male side. If it's up. put it down. the stomach was bloated. he shut down tight. "Are you going to tell him. it's pretty good. and the blood Was toxic. "Because I'm responsible for waste removal. so in a huff. 1. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.." "I should be in charge." "I should be in charge. or should I?" THE POSITIVE SIDE OF LIFE Living on Earth is expensive. we are never going to think of it that way. Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open." said the legs.

Consequently. 1. Phineas works independently. Addendum The idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote this report. I truly recommend that Phineas be 12 promoted to executive management. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball. Finally. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. 1. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news. 1. where their family member lay gravely ill. can always be found 2 hard at work in his cubicle. Round is a shape. You have enough clothes.. That's what we do. or monster trucks. If you think you're fat. and he always 5 finishes given assignments on time. please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. I am in shape. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. Ask for what you want. sometimes skipping coffee 7 breaks. 1. don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. 1. In fact." he said . Whenever possible. Letter of recommendation 1 Phineas Dlamini. 1. for example. Phineas is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no 8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound 9 knowledge in his field. We have no idea what mauve is. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing. is a fruit. Often he takes extended 6 measures to complete his work. 1. but it is just not worth the hassle.. the type that cannot be 11 dispensed with. We know you are lying. absolutely anything you wear is fine. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. expect an answer you don't want to hear. and one of the ways makes you sad or angry. 1. See a doctor.1. Peach. We do that. like Windows default settings. you probably are. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls. just do it yourself. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. 1. 1. If it itches. it will be scratched. 1. You have too many shoes. the doctor came in looking tired and somber. the shotgun formation. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colours. I firmly believe that Phineas can be 10 classed as a high-calibre employee. 1. my assistant programmer. 1." we will act like nothing's wrong. without 3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Phineas never 4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. If you already know best how to do it. 1. all comments become null and void after 7 days. Really. and a proposal will be 13 executed as soon as possible. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room. If something we said can be interpreted two ways. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. not a colour. we meant the other one. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to. Not both. When we have to go somewhere. Don't ask us. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. Pumpkin is also a fruit. 1.

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. may I help you?" > "Yes. "They're still up in bed. so they are as good as new" "Teacher."They're still up in bed. right?" "Er. and R200 for a female brain." "What's that Joey?" asked the Sunday school teacher. right. "What wuz all the grown-ups doin'?" A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma. avoiding eye contact with the women. "Well. A man unable to control his curiosity. We have to mark down the price of the female brains." The moment turned awkward. "Where's Mom and Dad?" And she replied." The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play." announced little Joey. " R5." The family members sat silently as they absorbed the news. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma. however. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma." "An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines. "Where's Mom and Dad?" And his grandmother replied. well. someone asked. "Well. very risky but it is the only hope." The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked." "An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians. Men in the room tried not to smile. right?" "Right.." Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. "Well accordin' to the Bible. "So what's your question?" "What I wanna know is this. but some actually smirked. how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded. "there's somethin' I can't figger out. This is from the taped conversation leading up to dismissal : > "Word Perfect Technical Desk. I'm having trouble with Word Perfect. the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea. an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans. Insurance will cover the procedure. "They're up in bed. After a great length of time." agreed the teacher. "Where's Mom and Dad?" And she replied." > "What sort of trouble?" .as he surveyed the worried faces. right?" "All that is right.. blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask. "Why is the male brain so much more?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group. too. Needless to say the help desk employee was fired. Grandma fainted. right?" "Again you're right. "It's just standard pricing procedure. but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." "An' the Children of Israel built the Temple. because they've actually been used. last night Daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue!" He must have got himself stuck somewhere in his room.000 for a male brain. an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important. It's an experimental procedure. This is supposedly a true story from the Word Perfect help line." demanded Joey. the person is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "termination without cause". the male brains are hardly ever used by the owners. "What gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! What is going on here?" The little boy replied.

" > "Great.. there are. it is. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" > "There isn't any cursor: I told you." > "Dark?" > "Yes-the office light is off." > "Well.. did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it. . here it is.. Then take it back to the store you bought it from. Go get them." > "I can't reach. then look on the back of the monitor and find where the powercord > goes into it." > "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" > "Oh.." > "Hmm. I'm afraid it is. and all of a sudden the words went away. Okay." > "I can't... it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark. Can you see that?" > "Yes. it won't accept anything when I type." > "Nothing?" > "It's blank. ... So what does your screen look like now?" > "Nothing. can you see if it is?" > "No. > "Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" > "Well. > "Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" > "I don't know... I was just typing along.I suppose... I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.." > "Really? Is it that bad?" > "Yes..." > "Well. I keep them in the closet." > "Uh huh." > "A power. What do I tell them?" .and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.." > "Good. yes.." > "Well. Follow the cord to the plug.." > "When you were behind the monitor.. I think so. or did you get out?" > "How do I tell?" > "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?" > "What's a sea-prompt?" > "Never mind.. we've got it licked now. Well." > "Are you still in Word Perfect.. and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was > when you got it." > "." > "Well. not just one?" > "No..> "Well. turn on the office light then.all right then. it won't accept anything I type!" > "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" > "What's a monitor?" > "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV." > "Okay. and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." > "Went away?" > "They disappeared..... and the only light I have is coming in from the window.." > "Follow it for me. A power outage? Aha." > "No? Why not?" > "Because there's a power outage..Yes.

Friday. and gray when you throw it away? 5. and love kids. He has to choose between three rooms. and are extremely good looking. you might find out! Try to do so without any coaching! READY FOR THE ANSWERS? 1. Which room is safest for him? 2. a catch .These men have jobs. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 . Study it.These men have job s. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes.dead good looking and help with the housework "Oh. Today. "Wow. without using the jugs or any dividers." "Questions" 1. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. does not appear once in the long paragraph The Husband Store A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City . and hung it up to dry. but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So. Freeze them first. but feels compelled to keep going.. 4.Barbecue. . A woman shoots her husband. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday.. you may choose any man from a particular floor. are drop. Take them out of the jugs and put the ice in the barrel. love the Lord.These men have jobs. love the Lord. mercy me!" she exclaims. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. But if you work at it a bit. A murderer is condemned to death. . but you still may not find anything odd. red when you use it. What is black when you buy it. Thursday. and have a strong romantic streak. but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 . You will be able to tell which water came from which jug." 5. she hangs him. 3. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. Sure you can: Yesterday. Wednesday. "I can hardly stand it!" Still.dead gorgeous. love the Lord. How could you put all of this water into a barrel. 2. The third. the second is full of assassins with loaded guns. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it? It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it! In fact. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.These men have jobs. however. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 . In Homer Simpson's words: "hmmmm.012 to this floor. and Tomorrow! 6. love kids. She shot a picture of her husband. How can this be? 3." she thinks. The first is full of raging fires. are drop.These men have jobs and love the Lord. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 . There are no men on this floor. The woman was a photographer. This is an unusual paragraph.You are visitor 4. she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 . and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. love kids. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead." which is the most common letter in the English language. love the Lord.. love kids. The letter "e. help with the housework. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 . There is. or Sunday? 6. Finally. Tuesday. and still tell which water came from which jug? 4. and think about it.> "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer. This floor exists solely as proof that women . Saturday.363. developed it. nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. or you may choose to go up a floor. a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. The answer is Charcoal. where a woman may go to choose a husband. She is so tempted to stay.

. a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins. in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical.are impossible to please! Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. The dolphins are identical. The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it. the more stress that person is experiencing. Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you may want to take a vacation: No Need to Reply. The more differences a person finds between the dolphins. I'll be in Hawaii on Vacation . Read the full description before looking at the picture. A closely monitored. Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. scientific study revealed that. Watch your step as you exit the building. Mary's Hospital.Never take life too seriously. and have a nice day! STRESS I am not sure exactly how it works. but this is amazingly accurate. It was used in a case study on stress levels at St.

then there must have been something before it. Please also greet your wife. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times... where is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is? 2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T." When he returned. And rememba that English is not our mother land!! Yours in faith Pasopa Mampara My picture frame I look beautiful Pasopa Mampara A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. teaching me is jelos of myself.. couldn't be new. I here people you want security guards to you company and I tell you I Am one of that job experience for 2 years. What do they mean?? Life is the longest thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer? 9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'.. he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. My certificate is just sitting home for itself.1 People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. If the bus came would I be standing here. My father is dead long time ago and my mother mary in Zaire country there 10 years now. Mr Phiri. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their butts! 5 When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'." While driving in Pennsylvania. When something is 'new and improved!'. Ye right! What good is cake if you can't eat it? 4 When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. and change the channel manually.V. "Lead us not into temptation. then there has never been anything before it. I want to Join the company of you and chase criminal out with me AK47. I know where my watch is pal. Forgive us our trespasses. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. If I don't park here. because attached to the back of the carriage was a . I am red for interview with you. I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the floor. Me wear expenses cloth than Ngoni teacher. No Loser. Please consider my aplication careful and call me any time because me Have celphone. did ya sunshine? 7. 3 When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'..V. a family caught up to an Amish carriage. dumbass? JOB APPLICATION I am apply to my job of security guard to you boss in you company of Shoprite. I am very hornest and can speak English free.. Didn't really give me a choice there.. I shot thief dead. I complete to Grade 8 examination certificate in 1997. Which is it? If it's new. If it's an improvement. no see she so nobody known to help me. I am 27 ears to be Born of age and no mallied and no childish. remote because they refuse to walk to the T. 8 When people say 'life is short'. Of course it is. 6 People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'. I'll miss my appointment. Geography. Science and all subjects but fail in English because of Nyanja teacher. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor. but passes in Mathematics.

"I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied. yelling.' How do you recognize AYUBA in School? He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board." A father was approached by his small son who told him least he'll shut up after u let him in! She ran after the garbage truck. 'My Mobile No.. DR: Take this tablet. AYUBA: Doctor. AYUBA : Can I take it tomorrow. He replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot." The young boy replied excitedly.. "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. For whom do you mourn so? Deeply? A child? A parent?"The mourner took a moment to collect himself. jump in." said his father. Daddy. what is he studying? AYUBA: No. except the TV in my house. "Am I too late for the garbage?" Following her down the street I yelled. Once AYUBA was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on other.' Police: 'How the thief did not take TV?' AYUBA : 'I was watching TV news. "What do you mean. who do you let in first? The Dog of course. So the man asked him why he did so. He sent a message to everyone from his Phone Book & said. they are Studying him. Has changed. he is not studying. Friend: Really.! . all items are missing." . AYUBA complained to the police: 'Sir.. I don't wish to interfere with your private grief. "It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth. Earlier it was Nokia 3310. but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. you will be ok. then replied "My wife's first husband.' AYUBA comes back 2 his car & find a note saying 'Parking Fine' He Writes a note and sticks it to a pole 'Thanks for compliment...'" AYUBA bought a new mobile. "No. "I do know!" "Okay. "Sir. 'Why did u have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said. A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly parted mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. "What does the Bible mean?" "That's easy. tonight is final game. Now it is 6610' Teacher: 'I killed a person' convert this sentence into future tense AYUBA : The future tense is 'u will go to jail' AYUBA : I am Proud. I play football every night. coz my son is in Medical college .hand printed sign." If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife yelling at the frontdoor. you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied. in my dreams. Caution: Do not step in exhaust. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating.

" Double Decker bus Two groups charter a double Decker bus for a weekend trip to Atlantic City. she shops. As he holds the bucket in front of his privates he sighed with relief. but who cares? He was alone. I can read minds. "You really know what I'm thinking?" "Yes. "You know.She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her. As the ladies get nearby they look at him and smile. When she gets up to the top deck. but you guys have a driver!" Q: What’s the difference between hard and light? A: I’ve never had any trouble sleeping with the light on! Q: Did you hear about the stupid plastic surgeon? A: He stood in front of a fire and melted! Patent: Hey Doc! Everyone thinks I'm a liar! Doctor: Sorry but. "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said. staring straight ahead. After some delightful minutes of cool swimming." "Impossible. If I let go. "Yeah. Once upon the bus.Then the mud fell off. a pair of old ladies walks onto the shore in his direction. "I know that you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom in it. He panics. So. you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife. each clutching the seat in front of them. Then one of them says. she finds all of the blondes frozen in fear.what's going on here? We're having a GREAT time downstairs!" One of the blondes replies through chattering frightened teeth. the blondes head upstairs and the brunettes hang out on the bottom level. She decides to go and check on them." says the embarrassed man. That was only for the estimate." the lady replies. whoa -. The brunette group has a ball. get out of the water and grabs an old bucket. My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours. I asked my wife. We always hold hands. One group is all brunette and the other is all blonde. He didn't bring his swimming costume. I have a special gift. he undresses and gets into the water. so a guy desperately wants to take a dive in the nearby lake. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife. "Whoa. "How about the kitchen?" Cooling Swimming The weather was very hot. They're whooping it up and having a great time when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. I don't believe you! Q: How can you get your name in lights the world over? A: Change your name to Emergency Exit! Q: How do you start a polar-bear race? A: Say 'Ready! Teddy! Go!' Q: What did the police do when the hares escaped from the zoo? A: They combed the area! .

Q: What do you do if your dog has ticks? A: Don't wind him up! Q: What do you get if you cross a cowboy with an octopus? A: Billy the squid! Q: What do you get if you cross a gnome with a vampire? A: A monster that sucks the blood out of your kneecaps! Q: What do you get if you cross a hen with a bedside clock? A: An alarm cluck! Q: What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with an octopus. woolly jumper with eight sleeves! Q: What do you get if you cross a whale with a bird that quacks? A: Moby Duck! Q: What drink do frogs like best? A: Croaker-cola! Q: What flower can you eat? A: A cauli-flower! Q: What song did Cinderella sing as she waited four months for her photos to come back from the chemist? A: Some day my prints will come! Q: What time is it when you see an elephant sitting on your television? A: Time to get a new television! Q: What would you do if a rhino charged you? A: Pay him! Q: What's the best way to catch a rabbit? A: Hide behind a bush and make a sound like a carrot! Q: Which animal should you not play cards with? A: A cheetah! Q: Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas? A: Santa Jaws. a sheep and a zebra? A: A striped. Turkeys and Donkeys Q: What is the quietest sport? A: Bowling .you can hear a pin drop . Q: Why was the Turkey in the pop group? A: Because he was the only one with drum-sticks! Q: Why did the lettuce blush? A: It saw the salad dressing Q: Why was the belt arrested? A: For holding up my pants Q: What kind of nut has no shell? A: A Doughnut Q: What has teeth and can’t bite? A: A comb Q: What keys can’t open doors? A: Monkeys. Q: Why can't a bike stand up by itself? A: Because it's two-tyred! Q: Why couldn't the sailors play cards? A: Because the captain was standing on the deck! Q: Why did the chicken walk onto the football pitch? A: The referee whistled for a fowl Q: Why do you call your dog Metal-worker? A: Because every time he hears a knock he makes a bolt for the door.

Q: What part of a car causes the most accidents? A: The nut behind the wheel. Q: What bird never goes to a barber? A: A bald eagle Q: What does a dancer usually drink? A: Tap water Q: What would happen if pigs could fly? A: Bacon would go up. Q: What do you get when you cross a pastry chef with a soft drink. Q: Where do they store Chinese boats? . Q: Why are mummies good secret agents? A: Because they are good at keeping things under wraps! Q: What do you call a country. sir. Q: Why was the broom late? A: Because it over swept! Q: Why is any compliment from a chicken be an insult? A: Because it's a fowl remark. Q: Why is a bride always out of luck on her wedding day? A: Because she never marries the best man. Q: Why do cows wear bells? A: Because their horns don't work. where all the cars in it are pink? A: A pink carnation Q: What did Frankenstein say after his brain transplant? A: I think I changed my mind. it would be a foot. Q: Why is a calendar so popular? A: Because it has a lot of dates. Q: Why are spiders like tops? A: Because they are always spinning. Q: Why did humpty dumpty have a great fall? A: To make up for a lousy summer Q: Why did the farmer plant old car parts in his garden? A: He wanted to raise a bumper crop.Q: What kind of room has no doors or windows? A: A mushroom Q: What do you throw away when you use it and collect when you don’t need it? A: An Anchor Q: Why isn't your ear 12 inches long? A: If it was. Waiter. Well. it was ground only five minutes ago. A: Baking soda. this coffee tastes like mud. Q: How do athletes stay cool during a game? A: They stand near the fans! Q: What should a slow runner eat before a race? A: Ketchup Q: What kind of banks do alligators use? A: Riverbanks Q: Why are movie stars cool? A: Because they have so many fans. Q: Did the people laugh when the lady fell on the ice? A: No but the ice cracked up.

. Even the bridesmaids shone. 2. I wooden kid you!" Your veterinarian knows how to make your dog heal. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. you have to go through a battery of tests." Manager: "What do you use it for?" Office Secretary: "Well. When you're finally holding all the cards. Daylight Saving Time. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. When an apprentice electrician made mistakes. Two nuclear physicists got married recently. his mother grounded him... it's only good for small talk. it works much better when it's open.she was absolutely radiant. But he finally got promoted and felt a surge after the switch.. but I am pigeon toed. termites.. There are two kinds of pedestrians. some people prefer to bucket. Q: What is the difference between movie theatre refreshments and movies at a police stag party? A: One is popcorn.. because it makes a lot of scents (sense).. Apparently she can't control her pupils. the quick and the dead." Office Secretary: "I bought this mini-recorder. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney. Kids in the back seat cause accidents. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom. He was really a highenergy person. CHILDREN'S PROVERBS 1. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. Don't change horses. accidents in the back seat cause kids. Strike while the. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Cunnilingus is a real tongue-twister. why does everyone else decide to play chess? If you're living on the edge. Q: Why did the minister visit different car lots every day? A: He was looking for convertibles! Puns Two wrongs don't make a right. It's not hard to meet expenses. the other is cop porn. they're everywhere.. Q: Did you hear about the blonde who waited on the street corner with a piece of bread? A: She was waiting for some traffic jam.." There's a new trend of carrying water in a pail. My cross-eyed teacher has a problem. But like any trend. In order to become an electrician. A manufacturer of percussion instruments tried to drum up some business..A: In a junkyard. The mind is like a parachute. Patron to waiter: "Do you have frog legs? Waiter: "No. .. 4. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.. Q: What is the smartest animal? A: A skunk. It's always darkest before. wasp is close. The ceremony was beautiful . "I saw Pinocchio last night! No. until they stop running. make sure you're wearing your seat belt. 3. and he was glowing too. not the movie. A Man who eats metal paper fastenings has a staple diet. the real Pinocchio!" "You're joking?" "Nope. Never underestimate the power of. but two Wrights made an airplane.

. He asked if they were interested. explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. If you lie down with dogs.. Two's company..... 18... pigs. me. You can't teach an old dog new. pollution. 14. There are none so blind as. looks dirty. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters. 23. 11.. Where there's smoke there's. You can lead a horse to water but. Don't bite the hand that. not much. Don't put off till tomorrow what... A miss is as good as a.. How? 6... three's.. spanked or grounded. you put on to go to bed... get out of the way... cry and. 24.. See in the picture on the box.. 9..... 17.5. 19... Upon their arrival. gets all the presents. 22. trust.... 12.. LABOUR PAINS A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Stevie Wonder. Love all. Mr.. The pen is mightier than the.. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Children should be seen and not... But as the labour progressed. You get out of something only what you. is going to poop on you. If at first you don't succeed... 7. A penny saved is. A bird in the hand. Happy the bride who. stink in the morning.. impossible 8. 25. you'll. When the blind lead the blind. get new batteries. 20. Maths 10. the best way to relax. the Musketeers. No news is. You have to blow your nose. the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father.... 16. both said they were very much in favour of it. 13. the husband felt . 21. An idle mind is. 15..

The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. Q: Why did the turkey cross the road? A: It was the chicken’s day off. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. Q: What bird can lift the most? A: A crane. The husband was still feeling fine. Q: What do you call a cow with no legs? A: GROUND beef. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. The husband continued to feel quite well. Q: What do you call a calf after it is six months old? A: Seven months old. Q: What do you call a cow in an earthquake? A: A milkshake. the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground? A: To get to the other slide. Q: What do cows do for entertainment? A: They rent moovies! Q: What happened when the cow jumped over the barbed wire? A: It was an udder catastrophe.fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. When they got home they found the postman dead on the porch. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably. and the husband had experienced none. Q: What game do cows play at parties? A: Mooosical Chairs. Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice? A: Because it was a double crosser. Q: What do birds need when they’re sick? A: A tweetment. She and her husband were ecstatic. Q: What do you get when you cross a cement mixer and a chicken? A: A brick layer! Q: Why did the chicken get sent off? A: For persistent fowl play! Q: Why do birds fly south in the winter? A: Because it’s too far to walk! Q: What would you get if you crossed the first signer of the Declaration of Independence with a rooster? A: John Hancock-a-doodle-doo! Q: Why wouldn't the butterfly go to the dance? A: It was a moth-ball. At this point they decided to try for 50%. Q: What do you call a fish with no eye? A: FSH! Q: What’s the difference between a fish and a piano? A: You can’t tune-a fish! Q: How do electric eels taste? . Q: On which side does a chicken have the most feathers? A: The outside.

A: C-A-T. Q: What do you get if you crossed Lassie and vegetable? A: Collieflower. Q: What is one word a dog can say? A: Bark! Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils? A: Because they have big fingers!! . Q: Why is it hard to play cards in the jungle? A: There are too many cheetahs Q: Why did the snowman call his dog Frost? A: Because Frost bites. and 99 step back? A: A receding hare line. Q: What do you call a group of boring.? A: The Presidential Seal. spotted dogs? A: 101 Dull-matians. Q: What happens when frogs park illegally? A: They get toad. Q: What do you get when you cross an insect with a rabbit? A: Bugs Bunny. because the rest were copy cats! Q: What kind of cats like to go bowling? A: Alley cats. Q: What bone will a dog never eat? A: A trombone. eats fish. Q: What do frogs drink? A: Croak-a-Cola. Q: What do you call a no-legged dog? A: Nothing. Q: What did the lion say when he saw the kid on his skateboard? A: Meals on Wheels! Q: If there were 10 cats in a boat and one jumped out. and lives in Washington.C. Q: Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested? A: He was charged with battery. Q: Why did the frog cross the road? A: To see what was hoppining over there. how many would be left? A: None. He won’t come anyway. D. Q: Spell MOUSETRAP in three letters.A: Shocking! Q: How do you stop fish from smelling? A: You cut their noses off! Q: What’s grey. Q: Why don’t elephants smoke? A: They can’t fit their butts in the ashtray! Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a kangaroo? A: Big holes all over Australia! Q: What happened when the elephant sat on the car? A: Everyone knows a Mercedes bends! Q: What do you get if you have 100 rabbits in a row. Q: What kind of cookies do cats like? A: Chocolate chirp cookies. Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit? A: Unique up on it.

Q: What has one horn and gives milk? . Q: If you peel my skin off. Q: Why did the cook hunt his eggs? A: He liked them poached! Q: What do sea monsters eat? A: Fish and ships! Q: What has no beginning. But you will. Q: Have you heard the joke about butter? A: I can’t tell you because then you’ll spread it. Q: What was the first bus to cross the Atlantic Ocean? A: ColomBUS. Q: What has a fluffy tail and flies through the air? A: A hare-plane! Q: What do you call a song sung in an automobile? A: A cartoon (car tune). Q: What dinosaur love pancakes? A: A try-syrup-tops. Q: What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner? A: The cold shoulder. What am I? A: An onion. I won’t cry. Q: What does a Triceratops sit on? A: On Tricera-bottom! Q: What do you call a sleeping prehistoric animal? A: A dina-snore.” Q: Where were lemons first found? A: In a tree! Q: What do you give an injured lemon? A: Lemon-ade. Q: What do you call a dinosaur that wears cowboy boots and a hat? A: Tyrannosaurus Tex. Q: How do dinosaurs pay their bills? A: With tyrannosaurus checks. Q: What do you take before every meal? A: A “seat. Q: Why did the doughnut shop close? A: The owner got tired of the (w)hole business! Q: What did one plate say to the other? A: Lunch is on me! Q: What do potatoes wear to bed? A: Their yammies! Q: Why did the tomato blush? A: Because it saw the salad dressing. Q: What did the grape do when it was stepped on? A: It let out a little wine.Q: What’s the best thing to do if you find a gorilla in your bed? A: Go sleep somewhere else Q: Why couldn’t the long-neck dinosaur see? A: Because he had his head in the clouds. no end and nothing in the middle? A: A doughnut! Q: What’s a tree’s favorite drink? A: Root beer.

Q: What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook? A: Wet feet. Q: What two letters do you say when you answer the phone? A: L-O. Q: What’s round and bad-tempered? A: A vicious circle. I’ll hang around for a while.” Q: What word is always pronounced wrong? A: Wrong! Q: What’s the longest word in the dictionary? A: Smiles. Q: If a long dress is evening wear. Q: What do you call a country where everyone drives a pink car? A: A pink car-nation. Q: What did Tennessee? A: The same thing Arkansas. Q: How do we know that the Indians were the first people in North America? A: They had reservations. what’s a suit of armor? A: Silverware. Q: What is the biggest rope in the world? A: Europe. Q: Which is the biggest country in the world? A: Cuba. Q: What did the neck tie say to the hat? A: You go on ahead. Q: What’s the biggest gate in the world? A: Colgate. Q: What did the rug say to the floor? A: Don’t move! I’ve got you covered! Q: What do ears and candles have in common? A: They both have wax! Q: What did the glove say to the ball? A: Catch ya later! Diapers and government need to be changed frequently for much the same reason. Q: What do you get when you cross a highway with a bicycle? A: Run over! Q: What does a houseboat become when it grows up? A: A township. Q: What country makes you shiver? A: Chile. its armed forces in Africa and its people in the US. Q: What always ends everything? A: The letter “G. Q: What has a lot of keys but can’t open any doors? A: A piano. Q: What did the mother broom say to the baby broom? A: Time to go to sweep. Q: What did one elevator say to the other? . Its government is in Moscow. because there’s a mile between each s.A: A milk truck. Q: What did Delaware? A: Her New Jersey! Q: What clothes does a house wear? A: Address.

Q: Where did you get those big eyes? A: They came with the face. cry. Q: How do you make a tissue dance? A: Put a little boogie in it. Q: Where does the one legged waitress work? A: The Ihop. Q: Which is the fastest: cold or heat? A: Heat! You can always catch a cold. Q: Did you hear the one about the fireworks? A: It’s a blast! Q: What did one firecracker say to the other firecracker? A: My Pop is bigger than your Pop! Q: What are the hottest days during the summer? A: Sun-days! Q: Why did the boy bring a ladder to school? A: He wanted to see what high school was like. Q: Do you know why Eskimos always do their laundry in tide? A: Because it’s too cold out-tide. Q: What grade hurts the most to get? A: A “B” because it stings you! Q: What do you get if you cross a lamp with a violin? A: Light music. Q: What time do you go to the dentist? A: Tooth-hurty! Q: Which meringues always come back? A: Boom-meringues (Boomerangs)! Q: Why do you go to bed? A: Because the bed won’t come to you! Q: Why did the computer go to the doctor’s? A: It had a virus! Q: What runs all day but never gets tired? A: Water. Q: Why was the little boy staring so hard at the orange juice carton? A: Because it said "concentrate"! Q: What’s a baby’s motto? A: If at first you don’t succeed. Q: Why is perfume so obedient? A: Because it's scent everywhere it goes.A: I think I’m coming down with something! Q: What always falls without getting hurt? A: Rain! Q: Why do you always walk with your right foot first? A: Because when you put one foot forward the other is always left behind. Q: What happened to the boy who swallowed a flashlight? A: He hiccuped with delight. Q: Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? A: She ran away from the ball. cry again! Q: How do you keep an idiot busy for hours? A: Give him a piece of paper with "Please turn over" written on both sides. Q: How did the basketball court get wet? A: The players dribbled all over it. .

Q: What kind of books do librarians hate? A: Overdue books! Q: How does a physicist exercise? A: Pumping ion. Q: What notes does the tightrope-musician have to worry about? A: 'C sharp or B flat!' Q: What sports star do cats like the best? A: Tiger Woods.) Q: How do men exercise at the beach? A: By sucking in their stomach every time they see a bikini. thinking "I'm in!!!" She goes.. Nothing. when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy seductive voice. . So she could lip read. and puts two of her fingers in his mouth. Q.. Why did the deaf blonde sit on the newspaper? A. Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink? A. (No. Cause it said concentrate.. Pull the pin and throw it back. Frosted Flakes Q. "Not right now. Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? A.. Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice? A. Q. "Tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies restroom." Q. Q. can you spell your name backwards? A: Nomis. Artificial intelligence." Thinking he might get lucky. he goes. "I don't know if your the man to talk to. What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg? A. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? A. "Can you give the manager something for me?" The bartender nods. Q.. Q." She then looks at him with a smile. What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel? A. is there anything I can help you with?" She replies. "May I please speak to your manager?" He says.. Because that's where your supposed to wash vegetables. You get to park in the handicap zone. An airbag. miss. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer? A. What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette? A. Miss.. they haven't met! Q.Q: Simon.its kind of personal. Q. Q: Where was the Queen of England crowned? A: On her head! This bartender is in a bar. "I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem.and he begins sucking them..yes.

" The woman looked at the blonde.. "I need to get my hair trimmed. "Are you sure it's mine?" Q.No" A blonde went to a hair dresser's one day. she accidentally bumped the headphones..Yes." A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana... and the blonde replied. "Scarf!" A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible. the shopkeeper is driving home...breath in.. This is what she heard. I'm going to fall again! Q. What is a brunette between two blondes? A. Q. set on catching herself an alligator. How can you tell that a blonde sent you a fax? A. "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said. It takes too long to retrain them. The hair dresser asked her what she wanted. The hair dresser was very confused.breath out. listening to a walkman.. Q..No. he sees a huge 9 foot alligator .. "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you. As the officer peered through the driver's window.Q.. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers.. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way. Just then. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? A.. The brunette knows that she's speeding so she asks the blonde if there's a cop behind them.Yes. Oh no. "By all means. "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs.breath out. An interpreter.. the blonde fell over. It took her a month to figure out she could play it at night too. Q. Q. onto the floor.. but did as she was told. knocking them to the ground. She picked up the head phones and listened. While she was brushing the blonde's hair.. A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway.. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined. Later in the day."breath in."! A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver. "No!" the blonde yelled back. The blonde replies "Yes. As she bent down to pick them up. The brunette then asks if his he's got his lights on. shotgun in hand. It has a stamp on it. What do you call a blond with a brain? A. the blonde shouted. just make sure that you do not take these headphones off.. he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? A.No. be my guest. Hear about the blonde that bought an AM radio? A. when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water. The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. surprised. the blonde turned and headed for the swamps... She replied in a huff. What did the blonde say when she saw the banana peel on the floor? A. A golden retriever.

Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back. the blonde say a sign that said "Disney Land Left. When they were about half way there. "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down. "I don't want to complain. but I'm pretty sure those other two girls used their arms. kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. this one isn't wearing any shoes either!" Two blondes walking down the street. tell us where we are... A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says we just lost another engine but its all right we have two more it will take us another half hour though. The brunette came in first." The cashier leaned over the counter and said: "Buuurrrrrr-Gerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnnggg" Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. She takes aim. and if I could swim I would come over there and kick your butt!" A couple of blondes were driving through Louisiana when they came to a sign that told them they were almost to Natchitoches." . I saw a lot of signs saying 22. They argued all the way there about how to pronounce the name of the town. this is a 65 MPH highway. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. and frustrated. They tried and tried to get the door open. that's not the speed limit.swimming quickly toward her. After getting their food. Ill be more careful from now on. one of the blondes said to the cashier." so the blonde turned back around and went home. One reaches into her pocketbook for a make up compact and looks into the mirror. but they just couldn't! The blonde with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath. not 65. She drove over to her and said.. that's the name of the highway you're on!" Blonde : "Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know. Cop : "Miss. why are you going so slowly?" Blonde : "Officer. "Can you settle an argument for us? Very slowly.. A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it. The other blonde said anxiously. shouts out.. The other one has a look and says. After being revived with blankets and a drink she remarked." Cop : "Oh miss. Finally they stopped for lunch. brunette and redhead woman decided to compete in the Breast Stroke division of the English Channel swim competition. "It's idiots like you that give blondes a bad name." There were two blondes going to California for the summer. the redhead second." A blonde. The blonde finally reached the shore completely exhausted. "Of course dummy. One of the blondes says "If we lose the two last engines we will be up here all day" A brunette says to a blonde "Look! A dead bird!" and the blonde looks up and says "Where?" There was a blonde who was taking her kids to Disney Land. A blonde executive was driving by a field one day when she saw a blonde rowing a boat in the middle of a dirt field. "Darn it. they are about two hours into the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom and says we just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer. "This picture looks like someone I know" she says.. it's ME. The shopkeeper watches in amazement.

"How did you get her to move?" "I told her that first class wasn't going to L. So to get away from the cops they hid in an abandoned farm house." To which the blonde replies. I'm blonde. He says she can go next week. and I'm getting there in first class. "You don't understand. He runs over to the woman and demands. When the cops came to the farm house the one of the cops saw the sacks. Suddenly she gets up and goes back to coach seating with a look of surprise on her face." he explains. but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. Ten feet away the rabbit stops.. hops another ten feet. We just got off of highway 119". the stewardess gets her supervisor. not first class. She walks over to the limp. The flight technician says she can go tomorrow. so the officer says. "You don't understand. I'm going to L. I'm blonde. until he hops out of sight. bends down. So they hid in them. She tells the woman. The rabbit jumps up. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it. the blonde replies.At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car." when he interrupts and asks. The driver. beautiful. and sprays the contents onto the rabbit." Blonde : "Oh. Again.A.. "I feel terrible. "POTATOES!" There's 1 redhead 1 brunette and 1 blonde. beautiful. Much to his dismay.A. "Then kick them just to be sure it's not them hiding". the rabbit is dead. The flight technician says. "RUUFFF RUFFF!". The flight attendants are startled." The blonde says. a sensitive man as well as an animal lover. He tells the woman that she must move. its just a stupid cat in there. The redhead says to the flight technician "I want to go to the moon". waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. The blonde starts to say." A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. A blonde and two brunets. "There's just three burlap sacks in here!" To which his partner replies. dead rabbit." So he kicks the one with the other brunet in it and she yells. I'm blonde. Their all at the NASA space center." Also confused. "Don't worry. "Can I whisper something in your ear?" "Sure" she replies and he proceeds to whisper something in her ear. he hops down the road another 10 feet. beautiful. and repeats this again and again and again.A. He swerves to avoid hitting it. what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something awful." A beautiful blonde lady stepped onto a plane going to L. "You don't understand. "Oh. The brunette says "I want to go to Mars". "You're ticket says coach maam and we have a full flight today. the officers yells. I'm going to L. The flight attendant proceeded to go around the airplane checking the ticket stubs of each passenger to make sure they were all in the right seats." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. When she got to the Blonde woman she noticed that it was for Coach seating. "Don't you know you'll burn up?" The blonde says "Well then I'll go at night. The blonde says "I want to go to the sun". In the farm house there were three burlap sacks sitting around. where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts. I'm going to have to ask you to move. Again. "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The . Cop : "Excuse me miss. The man is astonished. she tells the woman that she must move. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.A. The officer goes and kicks the one with the brunet in it and she yells. turns and waves.." Confused. pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. There were these three women who escaped from prison. they go get the captain. "MEEEYYOWW!" the officer said "Oh. She steps out of the car and asks man what's wrong. turns and waves. and sat down in first class. and I'm getting there in first class. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of a road and pulls over. turns around and waves again. it's just a stupid dog!" Then he kicks the sack with the blonde in it and she yells..

"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer." and turns back to get some more sleep.00. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word." The red-head is carrying a shotgun with her. now agitated. she came out of her house again.00. and a red-head that was going on vacation to a native island. "Is something wrong?" "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying "You've Got Mail. They both ask the blonde "Why are you carrying our car door?" The blonde says "Just in case it gets too hot." She asks the lawyer. to no avail. and if you don't know the answer. puzzled. "I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!" Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked "What was wrong with it?" "It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!" said the blonde. "I have a complaint!" "Yes. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde. "Hair Spray . and then slammed it shut harder than ever. The lawyer. he wakes the blonde. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. and vice versa. he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers. who is more than a little miffed. And you thought blondes were dumb. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress. " Again. politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. tired. A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said. if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. I can roll the window down.Restores life to dead hair. adds permanent wave. she declines and tries to get some sleep. we can kill something to eat. says. Puzzled by her actions. She marched to the mailbox. The brunette brought a portable fridge with her.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. just wants to take a nap. and stormed back in her house. "Well. and goes back to sleep. The red-head asked her "Why are you carrying a fridge with you?" The brunette replies "To keep all of our food in. She opened it. went to the mailbox." The blonde is carrying their car door with her. The lawyer. Ma'am?" said the librarian looking up at her." .00. no answer. After an hour. agrees to the game. pulls out a $5. opened it and slammed it shut again. "Okay" says the lawyer. It says. Frustrated. you pay me $5. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn. and if I don't know the answer. she came out yet again." A man was in his front yard mowing grass when an attractive blonde neighbor came out of her house and went straight to her mailbox. The librarian nodded and said. I will pay you $500.00. So you must be the person who took our phone book. "I ask you a question. The lawyer asks the first question. opened it. and hands her $500. the blonde reaches into her purse. she again stormed back in her house." There was a blonde. wakes the blonde and asks. "Ahhh. Angered. what's the answer?" Without a word." This catches the blonde's attention and. "Thank you. The brunette asks "Why do you have that shotgun?" The red-head says "Just in case we run out of food. takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. "your turn. no answer. then slammed it shut. He explains. a brunette. The blonde says. "Okay.00.woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays." A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. hands the lawyer $5. A little later. the man asked. reaches into her purse.

"Can I have a burger and fries?" The librarian says." "Thank you. Once there was a millionaire. Towards the end of class. The water-proof towel 2. "That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well. he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed. He spent the class explaining about latitude. the teacher asked his students. A blonde walks into a library and says. For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered. The blondes look at each other and say "Just like those darn architects give us length when we wanted height." So the blonde whispers. longitude. this is a library. A book on how to read 5. and minutes. an accident occurred. Submarine screen door 4. who collected live alligators. All ten blondes applauded. Water-proof tea bag A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. "I'm sorry. Finally an architect walks by and sees they are having trouble so he takes the pole out of the ground and lays it down and pulls out his tape measure and measures the pole. I will give one million dollars. During a rock climbing expedition. "My dear guests. Solar powered flashlight 3. Finally. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might. degrees. The millionaire was impressed." the blonde says.. "Can I have a burger and fries?" There was three blondes at the University of Texas. A dictionary index 7. Powdered water 9. or my daughter. I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the dude who pushed me in the pool!" The teacher of the Earth Science class was lecturing on map reading. So they put the flag pole in the base and are then on ladders trying to measure the flagpole. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?" The guy catches his breath. As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. Inflatable dart board 6. the millionaire decides to throw a huge party.. there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished his last word. I must keep my end of the bargain.Blonde Inventions 1. "Listen. The Dean gave them the job of measuring the height of the new flagpole. One day. then says. He said. and hangs up. Pedal-powered wheel chair 10. I have a proposition to every man here. Ejector seat in a helicopter 8. This left the eleven climbers clinging precariously to the wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on the Mountain. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees. one was a brunette. Ten were blonde. "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?" The agent replies. "Just a minute. He writes the measurement on a piece of paper and walks away. 4 minutes north latitude and 45 . If that didn't happen the weight on the rope would cause more of the hooks to give way and everyone would perish. as some of the grappling hooks gave way. and during the party he announces. Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others. and the crowd began to cheer him on.

"Come on John!!!!!!!!" he screams "They got US!" . Soon the cop cars stop near the bushes and the two robbers hearing foot steps grow more nervous. None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee. what's your name?" "Sam. "Nine. but with no success." she said. Eight... until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted. "Ten?" the man asks. walking by. "You're dying. both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten. sir. if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." The man groaned but didn't budge. every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me. they summoned the police. "Sorry. sir." he replied. The two dive into two separate bushes hoping they won't get caught." Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter. Finally. The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique. Afterward. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked. The usher became impatient. there's not much to it. "Need some help?" a secretary. "Thanks. "how does this thing work?" "Simple. Second Woman : "I know. As he drags the robber off he looks back shaking his head in shame. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him. "I guess you'd be eating alone. Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony." The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused... The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot. the doctor comes out with the results. In a few moments. "All right buddy." A man hasn't been feeling well. but where do the copies come out?" A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. and the next morning and the morning after that.... which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. 15 minutes east longitude. "I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room. and volunteered. "Yes. that's terrible!" says the man. so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up. "Oh.. "Where ya from. taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.. and spit it back in when I get outside your office..." The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day." A student's voice broke the confused silence." the doctor says." Again.. the man just groaned. but you're only allowed one seat..degrees." admitted the clerk happily." Two guys rob a store. they burst out the door running as they hear the sirens of cop cars coming closer." First Woman : "How?" Second Woman : "My dog told me." the doctor says sadly. and you don't have much time left. Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. When the usher came by and noticed this.." "Oh. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news. First Woman : "My dog is so smart. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" The doctor interrupts. A cop then grabs one of the guys out the bush laughing "Busted". he whispered to the man. which caused him to spill much of it along the way. asked. The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim." the man moaned. "Sir.

Where do bees go to the bathroom? A. Q. He wanted cold hard cash! Q. Why did the man put his money in the freezer? A. the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground. A watch dog. Q. All the thief could find on Tim was 25 cents. What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room? . In snow banks. all of a sudden. Where do polar bears vote? A. Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels! Q. The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Tim why he had bothered to fight so hard for a 25 cents. What did the porcupine say to the cactus? A. Q. Cell phones. Where do snowmen keep their money? A. a thief jumped on him. "Is that you mommy?" Q. Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? A.One night. "I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in my shoe!" Q. What do prisoners use to call each other? A. Tim was walking home when. Frostbite. Tim and the thief were began to wrestle. However. "Was that all you wanted?" Tim replied. Q. What dog keeps the best time? A. Spoiled milk. At the BP station! Q. They rolled about on the ground and Tim put up a tremendous fight. The North Poll Q. Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea? A. The thief then went through Tim's pockets and searched him. What do you get from a pampered cow? A.

To get to the Shell station! Q. Why did the cookie go to the hospital? A. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? A. You crack me up! Q. it just waved. Q. Q. Because 789! Q. Dam! Q. What did the spider do on the computer? A. What has 4 eyes but no face? A. Because it felt crummy. . Milk and quackers! Q. Odor in the court. Nothing. Why was 6 afraid of 7? A. What did the ground say to the earthquake? A. Q. What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? A. What has four legs but can't walk? A.A. He wanted a light snack! Q. Why did the elephant eat the candle? A. A table! Q. Why don't skeletons fight each other? A. Made a website! Q. Mississippi! Q. They don't have the guts. What did the water say to the boat? A. Why did the turtle cross the road? A.

It was learning a new language! Q. The Space bar! Q. What does a teddy bear put in his house? A. Because you dribble on the floor! Q. What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer? A. How do you know carrots are good for your eyes? A. Every morning you'll rise and shine! Q. Nacho Cheese Q. What season is it when you are on a trampoline? A. Why did the sheep say "moo"? A. Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake! Q. What do you call cheese that is not yours? A. What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? A. A little horse Q.Q. Why did the boy eat his homework? A. Q. What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A. What happens to cows during an earthquake? . Why is Basketball such a messy sport? A. A rainbow! Q. Spring time. Dead ends! Q. What streets do ghosts haunt? A. Because you never see rabbits wearing glasses! Q. What bow can't be tied? A. Fur-niture! Q.

A. What is the difference between a school teacher and a train? A. Why did the jelly wobble? A. Q. Q. Why didn't the chicken cross the road? A. To a disc-o. Because his friend said its on me. Did you hear the joke about the roof? A. Because it saw the milk shake! Q. He was a chicken. Where did the computer go to dance? A. one foot and four legs? A. What has one head. Where do cows go on holiday? A. They give milk shakes! Q. Moo York Q. A Bed Q. Why was the guy looking for the food on his friend? A. Microwaves! Q. The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew chew". Never mind. Q. Q. What do you call a cow eating grass in a paddock? A. What washes up on very small beaches? A. A hole! . Because he had no-body to go with. What gets bigger and bigger as you take more away from it? A. A lawn mooer Q. it's over your head! Q. Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance? A. Q.

The road! Q. Hi Cliff! Q. What did Pooh say to his agent? A. Take away their chairs! Q. The scientists were brainstorming! Q. What do lawyers wear to court? A. up & over hills. Show me the honey! Q. You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street! Q. Why did Tony go out with a prune? A.Q. ends with an E. Lawsuits! Q. What did the blanket say to the bed? . and has a million letters in it? A. What has four wheels and flies? A. What goes through towns. Because he couldn't find a date! Q. Silence! Q. How do you make a bandstand? A. What breaks when you say it? A. What starts with a P. but doesn't move? A. Why did the traffic light turn red? A. A garbage truck! Q. Because he was sitting on the deck! Q. Post Office! Q. Why couldn't the pirate play cards? A. Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab? A. What did the little mountain say to the big mountain? A.

Q. Q. What do you call a bear with no socks on? A. Don't worry. What are two things you cannot have for breakfast? A. Why did the picture go to jail? A.A. Because it was framed. Why should you take a pencil to bed? A. the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth. Why did the man with one hand cross the road? A. What can you serve but never eat? A. Because he wanted to make a clean getaway. I've got you covered! Q. A bellybutton! Q. Q. To get to the second hand shop. Q. Q. Q. Q. . So he could have sweet dreams. One! After that its not empty! Q. Lunch and dinner. We make perfect cents. What did the judge say to the dentist? A. What did the penny say to the other penny? A. Why did the robber take a bath? A. Bare-foot. Do you swear to pull the tooth. Q. To draw the curtains! Q. How many books can you put in an empty backpack? A. Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep? A. What kind of button won't unbutton? A. A volleyball.

Why did the soccer player bring string to the game? A. What gets wetter the more it dries? A. I am stuffed. Q. What did the alien say to the garden? A.Q. Q. Sneakers. Climb a tree and act like a nut! Q. Q. Drop him a line! Q. No thank you. What runs but doesn't get anywhere? A. A refrigerator. Q. Why is a baseball team similar to a muffin? A. A towel. What did one teddy bear say to the other teddy bear when he offered him some dessert? A. What do you do with a blue whale? A. Why was the math book sad? A. Q. Where do sheep go to get haircuts? . Q. What did one wall say to the other wall? A. How do you catch a squirrel? A. They both depend on the batter. Q. I'll meet you at the corner. Q. How do you communicate with a fish? A. What kind of shoes do all spies wear? A. Because it had too many problems. Q. Try to cheer him up! Q. Take me to your weeder. So he could tie the score.

The temperature! Q. Because he had a big bill! Q. Neither. Mustard. It doesn't know the words! Q. Today and Tomorrow! Q. To the Baa Baa shop! Q. Which weighs more. A sour puss! Q. What two days of the week start with the letter "T"? A. Why can't a leopard hide? A. Mice Crispies! Q. Because he's always spotted! Q. What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon? A. Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean? A. A monkey! Q. What do cats eat for breakfast? A. Why does a hummingbird hum? A. What goes up and down but doesn't move? A. Because they dropped out of school! Q. they both weigh a ton! . Why was the pelican kicked out of the hotel? A. a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks? A. What do you give a dog with a fever? A.A. its the best thing for a hot dog! Q. What does a shark eat with peanut butter? A. Jellyfish! Q. What kind of key opens a banana? A.

Q. What do bulls do when they go shopping? A. On a bull-etin board. Why did the child study in the airplane? A. What is a tornado? . Why did the barber win the race? A. Q. Firecrackers! Q. Why was the broom late? A. It over swept! Q. A trum-pet! Q. What's taken before you get it? A. I think I've got penicillin! Q. Why did the tree go to the dentist? A. Q. To get a root canal.Q. Bunny Farts! Q. They CHARGE! Q. What kind of crackers do firemen like in their soup? A. He wanted a higher education! Q. What did one virus say to another? A. Stay away. Q. What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in? A. Where do bulls get their messages A. A water bed! Q. What is invisible and smells like carrots? A. Because he took a short cut. Your picture. What pet makes the loudest noise? A.

When do you stop at green and go at red? A. What happens to a hamburger that misses a lot of school? A. Because he wanted to work over-time! Q. What do you call artificial spaghetti? A. With cabbage patches! Q.A. Mockaroni! Q. How do you tease fruit? A. Banananananananana! Q. Why did the pharmasist tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? A. When you're eating a watermelon! Q. How do you repair a broken tomato? A. Mother nature doing the twist! Q. Tomato Paste! Q. Because he wanted to see time fly! Q. Because his parents were in a jam! . Jell-o! Q. How did the farmer mend his pants? A. He couldn't concentrate! Q. Why did the baby strawberry cry? A. Why did the man at the orange juice factory lose his job? A. Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk? A. He has a lot of ketchup time! Q. How does a moulded fruit-flavoured dessert answer the phone? A. Why did Tommy throw the clock out of the window? A. He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills! Q.

" Martha replies. I was gonna say something when Martha fell out. but Martha says no money. But if either of you make a sound. nearly hit a bus. well. its $10 each. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years. "Excuse me folks.. There's lots of unexplained fires. and stopped centimetres from a shop window. The pilot takes them up. Finally. "The driver replied. dives. climbs and spins. and says.Q. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. Stumpy looks to Martha.. and Stumpy kind of slumps down. What did the hamburger name his daughter? A. "Well. No sound. went up on the footpath. Gosh. looks back at Stumpy and says. lost control of the car. so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane. I'm 70 now. it's not really your fault. Martha and Stumpy look at each other. and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word. In the dictionary! One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. "Martha. well." Martha replies in the same old fashion. I couldn't help but hear your situation. 6.. "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. Today is my first day as a cab driver. Hey! Now there's a gift! 9. don't ever do that again. The pilot lands the plane. For a second everything went quiet in the cab. then the driver said. "I know you want to Stumpy. Over the next few years they return every year. and agree to take the ride. Patty! Q. The pilot pipes up. The driver screamed. "Martha. Well. but $10 is $10!" A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question." Top Ten Things To Say About a Christmas Gift You Don't Like. if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit. twists. and I have a deal for you. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation. I think I really should try that.. When does a cart come before a horse? A. or even making the slightest sound." So Stumpy goes without. This is perfect for wearing around the basement. Stumpy looks to Martha and says. 7. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said. I'll take both of you up together. 8. and the same thing. and $10 is $10.. but we have a lot of bills. when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old. and starts to do loop de loops. and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again." Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says. I have to hand it to ya. 10. "Sorry. Stumpy wants to ride. . There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. I'll give the ride for free. Boy. you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff. "Look mate." Well.. "Sir. and you know the money is tight.

one says to the other "Do you know how to drive this?" A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: get a huge block of marble. We're three blondes changing a light bulb. I really don't deserve this. 3. I love it . 2. "No. he slowly climbed the tree again. jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted. jumped." This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend "Is it true that if you pull your finger out. "Dear. After hours of effort. I'll sink?" Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. the fellow with the spray-gun and the cocker spaniel.5. Deep within a forest. tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program. The turtle tried again and again." There's two fish in a tank. Q: How many modern artists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Four. the female bird turned to her mate. a little turtle began to climb a tree. one to pile hundreds of them in a heap and spray-paint it orange. then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant. One to throw bulbs against the wall. Q: How many artists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Ten. "the kind for under his arms. Sadly." Operator: "The power in the house in on?" Blonde: "Of course. and fell to the ground. One of them decides to call 911: Blonde: "We need help. After recovering. I'll be furious! 4. yes. he reached the top. Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? A1: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity. 1." replied the blonde. If the dog buries it. One to change it and one to throw a bucket of water out the window. You put in a fresh bulb?" Blonde: "Yes." Operator: "Hmmmmm." Operator: "And the switch is on?" Blonde: "Yes. Finally. one to glue light bulbs to a cocker spaniel and one to put a bulb in the socket and fill the room with light while all the critics and buyers are watching the fellow smashing the bulbs against the wall." . A blonde goes over to the deodorant display and tells the clerk "I need to buy some deodorant for my husband.but I fear the jealousy it will inspire." she chirped. A2: Two. One to change it and nine to reassure him about how good it looks." "Does he use the ball kind?" inquired the clerk.

The car's occupants. now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes." "I can handle it. shaken but unhurt." Guest: "I'll make my own bed." said the stylist and she quickly shaved her head. she had cleaned 43 restrooms Innkeeper: "The room is $15 a night. "How can I help you?" asked the stylist." A Software Engineer. isolate the fault. define some Goals and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems. it's working fine. that method has never worked before. and we can be on our way." Operator: "Then what's the problem?" Blonde: "We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves. The personnel manager was impressing the applicant with the prospective job." A bald man took a seat in a beauty shop. bouncing off the crash barriers." Software Engineer: "Before we do anything." Innkeeper: "Good. I'll pay you $5000. The car careened almost out of control down the road. "We make parts for microscopes. propose a Vision. Many Marines where at that time on the beach." Hardware Engineer: "No. " A blonde and a brunette are sky-diving. If you can make my hair look like yours without causing me any discomfort. formulate a Mission Statement. The blonde jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race. She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed.Operator: "And the bulb still won't light up?" Blonde: "No. . Dear Boss." "No problem. a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting. You'll be required to work with lenses that are ten-thousandths of an inch thick." Once a programmer drowned in the sea. By the time she drove eight miles. I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me. that will take far too long and besides. The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord nothing happens. "but I couldn't stand the pain. It's $5 if you make your own bed. and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system. fix it and we can be on our way. but the programmer was shouting "F1!!! F1!!!" and nobody understood it. "I went for a hair transplant" the guy explained. huh?" On her way home she drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES"." the applicant said. I'll get you some nails and wood. What were they to do? Departmental Manager: "Let's have a meeting. "I used to slice meat in a delicatessen. until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside.

The dispatcher asked "How do we get there?" The farmer hesitated a few seconds then asked "Don't you.I just can't stop my hands shaking!" "Do you drink a lot?" "Not really . Is it enough. might as well give me the bad news first. and both of his ears are all bandaged up. Mondak. They said you have 24 hours to live. Doctor. Because. Thursdak. doctor." Patient: "24 hours! Thats terrible!!! What could be Worse?! What's the very bad news?" Doctor: "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday. Should I call them New Kork Kankees in order to be Y2K ready? A farmer rushed to his phone one day to report that his nearest neighbor's house was on fire. In addition. The boss says. I have changed the days of the week.. He promptly called 911 to report the fire. boss. Mak.I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions. Wednesdak. Because to be honest." Doctor: "I have some bad news and some very bad news. you see. if it's just because of them." Patient: "Well. guys." "Great! I never could before!" The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated: "I'm afraid we're going to have to operate you again. At any rate I have finished converting all the months on all the company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following improved months: Januark. "What happened to your ears?" . Februark. he reported the fire was at his neighbor's house two miles down the road. of course." Doctor: "The lab called with your test results.I spill most of it!" *** "Doctor." A guy walks into work. or should I change any other Y to K? I am a fan of the New York Yankees. You've got to help me .." Patient: "Well. I'd rather pay for them if you just leave me alone. Julk. none of this Y to K dates problem makes any sense to me. Tuesdak. In the calmest voice he could muster. I forgot my rubber gloves inside you. Fridak and Saturdak. and they are now: Sundak. have those big red trucks anymore?" "Doctor. will I be able to play the violin after the operation?" "Yes.

"Shingles. told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron. "Outside in the truck. He said. "Well." The receptionist asks. Congratulations. A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had. excruciating pain. "Shingles. I have this sharp. Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. jeez. medical insurance number and told him to have a seat." The doctor said. weight. Patient: "Whenever I drink coffee. that explains one ear.He says. Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. "Well." So she gave him a blood test. "No. "Shingles. The receptionist asks him why he is there. now you are a dermatologist. He said.add moist. "Where?" He said. just spots. "Have you ever seen a doctor?" and the man replies. He said. a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room. if it is moisten ." Eye doctor: "Try to remember to remove the spoon from the cup before drinking. but what happened to your other ear?" He says. The man complains. an electrocardiogram." So she took down his height. address. "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." So she took down his name. a blood pressure test. "Shingles. Where do you want them?" If it is dry ." . I had to call the doctor!" A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.add dryness." *** A man goes to the eye doctor. He said." The boss says.

*** Knock! Knock! Who's there? Harry. Fanny who? Fanny the way you keep saying 'Whos there' every time I knock. Butch. *** Knock! Knock! Who's There? A midget who cant reach the doorbell. . and Jimmy a kiss. Harry who? Harry up and let me in! *** Knock! Knock! Who's there? Harry. *** Knock! Knock! Who's there? Olive. Harry. Mummy who? Mummeasles are better so can I come in? *** Knock! Knock! Who's there? Boo. Olive who? Olive across the road. Butch your arms around me. *** Knock! Knock! Who's there? Mummy. Butch and Jimmy who? Harry up. and Jimmy.Knock! Knock! Who's there? Fanny.

*** Knock! Knock! Who's there? Mister. *** Knock! Knock! Who's there? Madam. York who? York coming over to my place tonight? . Mister who? Mister last bus home. *** Knock! Knock! Who's there? Ivor. it's only a joke. *** Knock! Knock! Who's there? Orange.Boo who? There's no need to cry. Orange who? Orange you glad I called by? *** Knock! Knock! Who's there? Atch. *** Knock! Knock! Who's there? York. Ivor who? Ivor sore hand from knocking so much. Atch who? Bless you. Madam who? Madam key broke in the lock.

What is it you want me to write?" "Your name on this report card. Isabel who? Isabel broken? I had to knock. can you write in the dark?" "I think so." "So why are you in uniform?" "Today is my day off. Lettuce who? Lettuce in. Mother: "What did you learn today?" Kid: "Not enough." The child comes home from his first day at school. what was it that you didn't do?" Girl: "My homework.." dang it! Scratch scratch.. He writes in his notebook: "Head on bullevard" and scratchs out his spelling error. do you have frog's legs?" Waiter: "Certainly. Sir!" Customer: "Well hop over here and get me a sandwich!" Customer: "Give me a hot dog. A tourist asks a man in uniform.*** Knock! Knock! Who's there? Isabel." A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident . "Head on bouelevard" Nope." Waiter: "With pleasure. doesn't look right . *** Knock! Knock! Who's there? Lettuce. "Are you a policeman?" "No. "Head on curb." . by the way. with mustard.body parts everywhere.scratch scratch.." Customer: "No." Mother: "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ." Customer: "Waiter. waiter." "Dad. I am an undercover detective. today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do." Girl: "Mommy.. He looks around and sees that no one is looking at him as he kicks the head. "Head on boolevard. it's cold out here. I have to go back tomorrow. He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head.

Teacher: "If you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?" Boy: "Somebody else's pants." Teacher: "Johnny, what is the outside of a tree called?" Johnny: "I don’t know." Teacher: "Bark, Johnny, bark." Johnny: "Bow, wow, wow!" Teacher: "Suppose there were a dozen sheep and six of them jumped over a fence. How many would be left?" Boy: "None." Teacher: "None? You don't know your arithmetic!" Boy: "Teacher, you don't know your sheep. When one goes, they all go!" Teacher: "If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?" Boy: "Seven!" Teacher: "No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?" Boy: "Seven!" Teacher: "Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?" Boy: "Six." Teacher: "Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?" Boy: "Seven!" Teacher: "How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?" Boy: "I've already got one rabbit at home now!" Billy and Willy were at Sunday school studying about Noah's ark. On the way home, Willy asked, "Do you think Noah did much fishing?" "How could he?" said Billy. "He only had two worms". The teacher is droning away in the classroom when he notices a student sleeping way up in the back row. The teacher shouts to the sleeping student's neighbor, "Hey wake that student up!" The kid next to this child yells back, "You put him to sleep, you wake him up!" Teacher: "You know you can't sleep in my class." Boy: "I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could." The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, "Now I'll show you this frog in my pocket." He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a chicken sandwich. He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said, "That's funny. I distinctly remember eating my lunch." Boy: "Isn't the principal a dummy!" Girl: "Say, do you know who I am?" Boy: "No." Girl: "I'm the principal's daughter." Boy: "And do you know who I am?" Girl: "No," Boy: "Thank goodness!" Teacher: "Why are you late?" Boy: "Because of a sign down the road." Teacher: "What does a sign have to do with your being late?" Boy: "The sign said, 'School Ahead, Go Slow!'" Teacher: "How do you spell "dog"?" Boy: "D, o, g, enter."

Boy: "I've just had the most awful time. First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy." Friend: "Wow! How did you pull through?" Boy: "I don't know. Toughest spelling test I ever had!" The answer to the problem was "log(1+x)". A student copied the answer from the student next to him, but didn't want to make it obvious that he was cheating, so he changed the answer slightly, to "timber(1+x)". A farmer, who went to a big city to see the sights, asked the hotel's clerk about the time of meals. "Breakfast is served from 7 to 11, dinner from 12 to 3, and supper from 6 to 8," explained the clerk. "Look here," inquired the farmer in surprise, "when am I going to get time to see the city?" "Room Service? Can you send up a towel?" "Please wait, someone else is using it." Chess Player A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen." "Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five." Singing Frog A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music. While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist." High Mileage A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked

with at a bar. The brunette suggested, "There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal." "That doesn't matter at all," replied the blonde. "All that matters it that I am able to sell this car." "Alright," replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde: "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car." The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette's advice. About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, "Did you sell your car?" "No!" replied the blonde. "Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it." Pass me another blanket A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married." "Why not?" giggles the woman. "Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket." Smile for the camera A drug dealer decided to impress his friends by hiring a limousine for a big night on the town. His first stop was at a posh suburban residence to sell some cocaine to a rather influential individual. Hoping to earn a little extra profit by blackmailing his wealthy customer, the crook handed a camcorder to the limo driver and asked him to record the event for posterity. The driver, an off duty police officer, was happy to comply. Blind Pilot One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airline are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes, the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the flight attendants for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin to panic. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief, and turns to the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers are going to get used to us flying this thing, not scream and then we'll be in trouble!" Welcome To Our Flight A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 123, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather

ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax OH MY GOODNESS!" Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!" Life Raft Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. If you look out of the window on the port, or left, side of the aircraft you will see that the inner engine is on fire just below the fuel tanks in the wing. If you look out at the starboard, or right, wing you will observe that a widening crack has developed at the wing root, making it unlikely that the wing will remain attached to the fuselage. If you look down at the surface of the sea over which the aircraft is flying, you will notice a small orange dot. This is a life-raft. In it are your co-pilot, your flight engineer and myself. This has been a recorded announcement. Thank you for flying further on your own." Nothing To Worry About While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Goodness gracious!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!" Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side. The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed to make most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attached the package to their backs. "Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?" The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?" "There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help." The Intercom Is On An airline pilot finishes talking to the passengers after the plane has taken off, and forgets to turn off the intercom. He said to the co-pilot, "I think I'll go take a dump and then put the make on that new

deep breath and said. He finally decided to march right up to the counter pulling his wheeled suitcase and demanded that he be given his boarding pass. pilots. "An apple hit me in the head!" They see another boy crying. We are doing our best to process the passengers as fast as we can. Travelers. airport personnel.nothing can go wrong. blinked. took a shallow. and the airplane taxied toward the runway. The plane taxied to the loading area automatically.blonde stewardess. blinked. picked up the public address system microphone and said calmly. The other throws out an apple. The passengers boarded the plane and took their seats. The third throws out a hand grenade. and he replies.nothing can go wrong. the man yelled at the ticket agent saying. took another shallow. She trips and falls in her haste. Everything on this aircraft is run electronically. He said he had to take a dump first. At one of the packed. "Welcome to the debut of the world's first fully computerised airliner. The steps retreated automatically. looked at him. "There is a man at the Delta ticket . flight attendants. they see a boy crying. "I farted and my house blew up!" World's First Fully Computerized Airliner The world's first fully computerised airliner was ready for its maiden flight with out pilots or crew.. "Good afternoon. ladies and gentleman. The ticket agent turned. as you can see there are many passengers ahead of you. the handicapped and infirm being transported through the throngs of shoulder to shoulder people." The ticket agent turned. the doors closed. "There's no rush. crowded. relatives. and runs up the aisle to tell him the intercom is still on." a voice intoned as the airplane lifted off. deep breath.. They asked why he was laughing. the steps came out automatically. I'm afraid you'll have to get back in line". They ask what's wrong. friends.. "An orange hit me in the head!" Then they see a boy rolling on the sidewalk laughing. Just sit back and relax. Nothing can go wrong. Outraged and red in the face.. "Sir." Boy Laughing Three men are on a plane." The stewardess hears it. honey. its doors opened automatically. looked at him.. ticket counters all of the ticket agents were doing their best to politely process each passenger as quickly as they could. A man toward the end of the snaking line of passengers was obviously impatient and very frustrated at having to wait so long in the slow moving line. A little old lady looks down at her and says.. He says. chaotic Friday before a holiday at the Atlanta International Airport." Do You Know Who I Am It was a typically busy. "Do you know who I am ???!!!. and he replied. They open a window and one throws an orange out. After getting off of the plane.

I went there to catch a couple of owls." "From hunger." Lori. crashed into the shatterproof shield. snapped the pilot's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin. Glad you got back okay. "I don't understand what you're talking about. along with the designs of the windshield. She was gone several days. taps them on the shoulder and says. Her friend." Susan replied." Lori replied. I thought I was going to drop dead that third day. you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." Lori answered. The next time I see you. But I couldn't find it.counter who does not know who he is. "Why. "Well. British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new airliners. that's amazing!" the doctor said." Susan said. "So. and begged the US scientists for suggestions. A Game Warden comes up behind them. from skipping." replied the second blonde. "I want you to eat regularly for two days. "we aren't fishing. The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment. and a gun was sent to the British engineers. Thank you". all traveling at maximum velocity. Anyone who may be able to identify this man is asked to please step forward and identify him." Lori said. But I went in the woods because I needed to find something there that would get me a man. British Engineers And NASA Scientists Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners. Arrangements were made." Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. "Well. I'd like to see your fishing licenses. she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "I'll tell you though." A blonde is terribly overweight. there were horseshoe magnets tied on . When the gun was fired. I took some dead mice and a bird cage. I know that. so her doctor put her on a diet. "Well. Why? Lori said." When the blonde returned. sure enough. But you look so sad. "Don't be so silly. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river. a young blonde woman. you mean?" asked the doctor." said the Game Warden. "Well. "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. how is that gonna help you get a man. you need fishing licenses. blasted through the control console. "But officer. then skip a day. like an arrow shot from a bow. but finally she returned." Susan asked. "Excuse me. the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel. "No. never saw Lori looking so sad. ladies. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields." "We don't have any. you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods. NASA responded with a one-line memo: "Thaw the chicken. smashed it to smithereens. I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters." replied the first blonde. military jets and the space shuttle. was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage. "Cause I just can't get a man. if you're going to fish." The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and. "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nodded. Susan. and repeat this procedure for two weeks.

" And with that. She walks over to the table. those are elk tracks. "Take all the debris you want. she was too tired to go on. the tenth and final blonde arrives with a picture under her arm. I know of no law against it. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. so she drowned." Three blondes were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks." So she swam out 5 miles. pours it on her car and sets it on fire. "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back. So she announced. As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight. and got really tired. "Well. a brunette. as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired." the second blonde said to the other two. The first blonde said. He drew a circle on the road and told the blonde to stand in the circle and not move. "I wonder if she made it. so he said. so she drowned. . He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down. The second one." The second blonde said. order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas. A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day. the glasses filled and they begin toasting and chanting." The blondes were still arguing when the train hit them." The third blonde said. and she was too tired to go on. After 15 miles. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face. "You're both wrong. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. fifteen miles. A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver. The corks are popped. "No." So she attempts to swim out. said to herself. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He is getting really mad. Up jump the others and they begin dancing around the table. He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve. sets a picture in the middle and the table erupts. She swam out ten miles from the island. "Those are deer tracks." Finally." So she swam out five miles. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. the redhead. "What's so funny?" The truck driver asked the blonde. Now she's laughing. when the door bursts open and in come nine exuberant blondes. 51 days. When she did. the three blondes started laughing hysterically. She replied. They come up to the bar. The shore was just in sight. "I'm going to try to swim to shore." He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. ten miles. 51 days. "51 days. you think that's funny? Watch this. but she said. "When you weren't looking. So the blonde thought to herself. I stepped outside the circle 4 times. too. He motioned for her to pull over. he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. and finally nineteen miles from the island. exchanging high-fives while chanting." said the Game Warden. "What a dumb Fish Cop. "Doesn't he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?" There were three women stranded on an island. he left. and a blonde. "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it.the end of each line. take their order over and sit down at a large table. a redhead. "Oh. those are moose tracks.

She put in the change from her dollar and pressed the Coke button again. She wanted to see the Capitol Building. DC for the first time. "Excuse me. I said to wait here for the number 46 bus and that was two and one half hours ago! Why are you still waiting?" The blonde replied. "Don't worry. The officer got out of his car and said. she gets down to the task at hand. "Excuse me. "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 46 bus. I'm winning!" This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all the blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. It'll take you right there. Ten of us got together. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. "You worked so hard and painted so fast the first couple of days." He . so she asked a police officer how to get there. "What's all the chanting and celebration about?" The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in. so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. The next day she painted three miles." The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer. but to get to the Capitol Building. it won't be long now. the bartender asks one of the blondes. how do I get to the Capitol Building?" The officer replied." he said. she couldn't find it."51 days. out came another can of Coke. "Sure. and he finally went up to her and said. She looked at it and smiled. The first day she painted five miles of stripes. The 37th bus just went by!" A blonde woman was standing at the pop machine. right after her husband leaves for work. bought that puzzle and put it together." A blonde was visiting Washington. we decided to set the record straight. 51 days. 51 days. but we put it together in 51 days!" A blonde. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. Then she was just beaming! There was a man standing there watching her. officer. "What are you doing?" She looked at him and said. so she begged her friend at the highway department for a job any job at all. The next day. When the frenzy dies down a little. put it in the pop machine pressed the 7Up button and out came a can of 7Up. While her husband is off at work. she only painted one mile of stripes. so he walks over to the table. She took out a dollar. officer. So. "Because the bucket keeps getting farther away. Would you be interested in painting stripes?" The blonde agreed and began working immediately. "I always have job openings to paint the lines down the center of the roads." She thanked the officer and he drives off. Why are you working so slowly now?" The blonde replied. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and detects the distinctive smell of paint. The side of the box said 2-4 years. Unfortunately. The supervisor took the blonde aside and asked her what was wrong. "Yes. She replies. needed some extra cash. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. She looked at it and really started smiling. "Duh. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. Two and one half hours later the police officer returned to the same area and the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. she put in her money and pressed the Coke button and out came a can of Coke. But on the third day.

When you get to 300 feet. "I know! Why don't you take the black one and I'll take the white one!" On the first day of training for parachute jumping. "I've got an idea.asks what she is doing. You're amazed to find out spam is a food. how are we going to tell them apart?" This lead to several hours of concentration until finally... the second blonde said. He told the students to start preparing for landing when they had dropped to 300 feet. they came up with the bright idea of getting different colored collars. After several more hours of concentration. We'll tie a red bow around my puppy and a blue bow around yours. The joy of their new best friend was quickly overshadowed when they got home and the first blonde said. After several more hours of concentration. you can recognize the faces of people on the ground." says the second blonde. put on two coats. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.. And the number one sign you are an computer geek: Two Words: "Pizza's Here!" You try to enter your password on the microwave. "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?" "That's a good question. your spouse sends e-mail. the first blonde comes running up to the second as soon as she gets home. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest. they've pulled the ribbons off while they were playing." Two blondes went to the pound where each adopted a puppy. "For best results. the next day. we need to find a better way to tell them apart. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is." "There's got to be some way to tell them apart. I can't tell whose puppy is whose." "OK." After pondering his answer. I can't tell whose puppy is whose. "What happens if there's no one there I know?" Is It Better To Be A Jock Or A Geek? Ways you know you are a computer Geek When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address. she asked.. You email your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready." says the second blonde. a blonde listened intently to the instructor. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said. and he emails you back. He then asks her why she has on a ski jacket and a fur coat. what's your URL?" Instead of calling you to dinner. the first blonde finally comes up with another idea. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server". "I think we're in trouble." The next day the first blonde comes running up to the second when she got home. The blonde asked. "Oh no. Again. they've pulled their collars off while they were playing. 'What's for . "Oh no. instead your line is "Hi.

You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa. Computer Repair A computer support technician got a call from a user. Is your wardrobe getting old? Click "update". If you don't like cleaning the litter box. click on "back". turn off the speakers. Hit "any key" to continue life when ready. but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year. When you lose your car keys. but it was the husband who truly lived. He told her to "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it. turn up the sound blaster. just adjust the display settings." About fifteen minutes later she shows up at his door with the power cord in her hand. you could press "Alt. and he said . The user told the tech that her computer was not working. You wouldn't need auto insurance. If life gets too noisy. If Life Was Like A Computer If you messed up your life.dinner dad?' Your daughter sets up a web site to sell Girl Scout Cookies. To "add/remove" someone in your life. Click on "close" to shut up the kids and spouse. To improve your appearance. Delete" and start all over! To get your daily exercise. click on "suspend". To get even with the neighbors. To undo a mistake. To feel like a new person. click on "delete". Ctrl. His wife finally realized how bad it gotten when one day she was scratching his back. You'd use your boot diskette to recover from a crash. Scratching An Itch A man and wife were both in an Internet business. click on "refresh". ate and breathed computers. "Help" with the chores is just a click away. We could click on "send" and the kids would go to bed immediately. just click on "run"! If you needed a break from life. click on "find". She described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced. click settings and control panel.

yeah." Bill: "You're kidding!?" Contractor: "Nope." ." Contractor: "Yeah." Contractor: "Oh! That's easy... The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work. not there. larger living room. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit.." Contractor: "Well." Bill Gates Meets His Match The following is a conversation overheard as Bill Gates was moving into his new house. someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. How do I fix that?" Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs. issue two." Contractor: "Ah." Bill: "Stacker?" Contractor: "Yeah. or you can use a Stacker. I have one last problem.... Scroll down a little. you put the entertainment center on the couch. so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. I dunno. you have our basic support option. the first issue is the living room.. when I have guests over.. etc. By stacking it."No... You leave an empty spot. You can purchase a new." Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round. not rectangular. Sometimes... Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss." Bill: "Uh." Bill: " Well. The second issue is the light fixtures." Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there. you have two options. We think its a little smaller than we anticipated. the chairs on the table.. Okay?" Bill: "Uh. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date. of course." Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. The threads run the wrong way.. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures. Its the only way.

reenter the house and then you can get back to work. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?" Among the ensuing forest of raised hands.. if you don't like it nobody made you buy it. Windows XP Error Messages A few of the new error messages that were taken under consideration during the development of the Windows XP operating system. let alone take off.. only one man sat motionless. Should I fake it? (Y/N) • Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User." Bill: "And when will this be fixed?" Contractor: "Oh. • Close your eyes and press escape three times.0 ." Bill: "That's the last straw. • BREAKFAST. What kind of product are you selling me?" Contractor: "Hey. in your next house -. he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard. When asked what he would do. turn off the water at the street.. • Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)" • Windows VirusScan 1. With his team's software. you all need to exit the house. but we've had some delays. • Smash forehead on keyboard to continue..which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. • File not found. • Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. he said.. • Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. turn it back on. the participants were given an awkward question to answer. • Press any key to continue or any other key to quit."Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)" .Bill: "And how do I fix that?" Contractor: "Well. Cereal port not responding. after each flush.." Awkward Question At a recent software engineering management course in the US.SYS halted. Actually it was due out this year. the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway.

He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out." Redneck Computer Terms Backup . NOW what do I do ? It just rang up sixty-four thousand.Needed when you go to da store. Cache . "Hey where am I?" The man replies. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless." The pilot rolls up the window. Bug .Waiting The checkout line at the hardware store was getting longer and longer as the clerk labored to get the new cash register to cooperate. Just as the plane stops. therefore. He banks the plane around. "You're in an airplane. a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with a guy working alone on the fifth floor. It wasn't until I got near the front of the line that I saw the neatly hand-lettered sign in front of the register: WE ARE CURRENTLY DOING BATTLE WITH OUR NEW COMPUTER FOR CONTROL OF THE STORE---WE APPRECIATE YOUR PATIENCE. Navigation Technique There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane." replies the pilot. that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East. "I asked the guy in that building a simple question.Them's the fight'n rules down da local tavern.What you do when you sight a skunk in the woods. five hundered seventy four dollars in sales tax on a ten-dollar sale !" Suprisingly.What yer pit bull dun to cusin Jethro. . At one point she wailed "Oh no. Byte . He began circling around looking for a landmark. rolls down the window and shouts to the guy. Finally. with a couple of very important executives on board. Some even chuckled sympathetically. The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. so does the engine as the fuel has run out. executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to perform a perfect blind landing on the airport runway 5 miles away. Bar code .The reason you is a giv'n for calling in sick. the customers in front of me didn't seem too upset by the delay. "Quite easy.

Digital .Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.Where the pope lives.Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.Big Bob's favorite fast food. Rom .A red wine you drink with breakfast.Where you hang the keys to the John Deere. Mouse pad .Where Mickey and Minnie live. It would hurt when you found out! Compress was something you did to garbage Not something you did to a file And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail for awhile! Log on was adding wood to a fire Hard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And a backup happened to your commode! Cut--you did with a pocket knife Paste you did with glue A web was a spider's home And a virus was the flu! I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my head You Know Your Adicted To The Internet When . Internet . Hacker .When you go to Junior's party uninvited.How your head feels after seventeen beers. Online .Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.Yer cusin's uncle's mother's boyfriend's name.Where cafeteria workers put their hair.Uncle Leroy after thirty years of smoking. Hardcopy . Screen . Modem . Network .Chip . Crash .Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line. Megahertz . Mac .Time to call da undertaker. Serial port .What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.The art of counting on your fingers. Keyboard . Life Before The Computer An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano! Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank account! And if you had a broken disk. Terminal .

• Your favorites takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom. where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus. and beautiful women frolicking about. • You wake up at 3 a." So. with sandy beaches and tall mountains. After all. I'm really confused on this one. • All of your friends have an @ in their names. • You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.m. why don't I let you visit both places briefly. clear skies. A smile came across Bill's face as he took in a deep breath of the clean air. cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled for God and Bill Gates was sent to Hell for eternity. Which do you choose to see first. "This is great. • You've already visited all the links at Google and you're halfway through MySpace." Within seconds of his thought. It's a tough decision. Bill looked up. God stood over Bill Gates and said. yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95 and the buggy Windows Vista among other indiscretions. Bill thought. Choose Your Punishment Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed." Bill pushed up his glasses. then you can make your decision. It was a beautiful and clean place. God said. "Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?" Looking slightly puzzled." he thought. It says "no new messages. then looked back at God and said. "Better yet. "Well Bill." So you check it again. • You check your mail. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. I believe I'll do something I've never done before. pristine water. I can't wait to see heaven. looked up at God and replied. another flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke appeared. • You forget what year it is. Heaven or Hell?" Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment. . I'll let you decide where you want to go. but not as enticing as Hell. "I think I'll try Hell first. Heaven was a place high above the clouds. It was a very nice place. Bill looked around. a bit warm. and Bill was off to Heaven. "if this is Hell. When he materialized in Hell. Bill Gates went to Hell. with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke. • The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg. you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America.

Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom! . If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port. how is everything going?" God asked. Seuss was a technical writer? Here are several examples of what he may write to help you resolve your computer problems. 'Cause as sure as I'm a poet. "This is awful! It's nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to the other place. When he got there.. Seuss was a technical writer What if Dr. Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang. and God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was progressing in Hell. being burned and tortured by demons.Time passed. Then your situation's hopeless. But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol. "So. And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort. If the label on the cable on the table at your house. the sucker's gonna hang! When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk. Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse.. and your system's gonna crash! If the above doesn't help with your computer troubles. Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report! If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash. perhaps this will." replied God.. he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire. And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse. And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort. And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc. Bill responded with a crackling voice filled with anguish and disappointment. That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women? "That was the beta version demo. And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash. If Dr. And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash.

And what to my wondering Eyes should appear.Night Before Crisis Twas the night before crisis. On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete! On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete! His eyes were glazed over. More rapid than eagles. Oblivious to fear. Too mindless to care. While visions of inquiries Danced in their heads. Programmers were wrung out. From weekends and nights . When out in the lobby There arose such a clatter. That I sprang from my tube To see what was the matter. Not a program was working. Knowing chances of cutover Hadn't a prayer. His programs they came And he whistled and shouted And called them by name. But a Super Programmer. Not even a browse. And all through the house. His fingers were lean. The users were nestled All snug in their beds.

And laying his fingers Upon the ENTER key. Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread. The deletes they deleted. "It's just what I asked for.Spent in front of a screen. The client's last changes Were even included! And the client exclaimed. With nary an abend. Turning specs into code. But it's not what I want!" Software Development . And a twist of his head. And all had gone well. And worked perfectly! The updates updated. But went straight to his work. The system came up. A wink of his eye. Then he turned with a jerk. The inquiries inquired. With a snarl and a taunt. The system was finished. He tested each bell. The tests were concluded. He spoke not a word. And the closing completed. He tested each whistle.

He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch. which had 783 bugs." "Well. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free. but introduce 456 new ones. formulate a Mission Statement. a Hardware Engineer and a Branch Manager were on their way to a meeting. 11. until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. 4. 6.13. and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system. 12. Users find 137 new bugs. Brake Trouble A programmer. having cashed his royalty check." said the Programmer. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. that method has never worked before. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release. now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. define some Goals. 2. "That will take far too long. shaken but unhurt. I think we should push the car back up the . The car's occupants." said the Hardware Engineer. "Let's have a meeting." said the Branch Manager. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overlyoptimistic programming schedule. 3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs. 10." "No. and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me. and we can be on our way. Original programmer. What were they to do? "I know. 14. isolate the fault. bouncing off the crash barriers. 9. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs. 8. "Before we do anything. Entire testing department quits. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4. propose a Vision.1. 13. fix it. 7. Repeat steps 2 . Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free. the product is released. no. and we can be on our way. is nowhere to be found. and besides. 5. The car careened almost out of control down the road. 20 bugs are found. Product is tested.

jerk. "Let's see you use that Visa card now. They all board the train. the conductor comes around collecting tickets. So after the conference. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers . The conductor takes it and moves on. Somehow he gets HBO on his PC at work. To their astonishment. The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea." Saving Money Three programers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. puh-leeez" over and over again during the movie "The Net" My Space profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons You hear him murmur." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. Mumbled.000. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down." answers a programer. the programers don't buy a ticket at all. When they get to the station. President. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. and all that). they buy a single ticket for the return trip. At the station. the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket." When asked for his phone number. you hear. "Good Morning." Signs That Your Co-worker Is A Computer Hacker You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.road and see if it happens again. the accountants decide to copy the programers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money. Mr. When his computer starts up. "Ticket. he gives it in hex. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see. "Watch and you'll see. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running. please. Shortly after the train has departed. He knocks on the restroom door and says. "Oh." answers a programer.

the trouble must be at your end!" Computer Programmer . Viruses will. and bullets. and tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. 4. 1. and then at the target. 2. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. 5. Windows does that too. Trouble Solving One of Microsoft's finest technicans was drafted and sent to boot camp. The technician looked at his rifle. He looked at the rifle again. The train departs. Windows does this. The end of his finger was blown off. He knocks on the door and says. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target. whereupon he yelled toward the target area. Windows does this. slowing down the system as they do so. 3.cram into another one nearby. Viruses are usually carried. Viruses use up valuable system resources. one of the programers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. Windows does this. In response to the high demand for an answer to that question a study was done and concluded the following. He fired several shots at the target. Same with Windows. yet again. along with valuable programs and systems. unkown to the user. Shortly afterward." Is Windows a virus? With the problems being encountered by Windows users people are asking themselves if windows is a virus. are frequently updated. and then at the target again. Maybe Windows really is a virus. please. from time to time. At the rifle range. trash your hard disk. "It's leaving here just fine. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. Ticket. he was given some instruction. So there! Windows is not a virus. a rifle. Nope! There is a difference! Viruses are well supported by their authors. Viruses replicate quickly.

and 50% to rich ones. I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want. I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero. "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess. Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem. but a talking frog is cool. smiled at it. 50% to middle-class processes. I'll turn into a beautiful princess. The frog spoke up again and said. Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor. smiled at it. Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network. I don't have time for a girlfriend." The man took the frog out of his pocket. even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years. and put it in his pocket. AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting. that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess. Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer.. Why won't you kiss me?" The man said. and returned it to his pocket. It'll be back. and put it back into his pocket. slow processes. only to resurface at . the frog asked. Finally. I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket. and returned it to his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said. The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus." Computer Viruses Airline virus: You're in Dallas. Dan Quayle virus: Simplye addse ane ee toe everye worde youe typee. "Look. Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does. slow." He bent over." Again the man took the frog out. David Duke virus: Makes your screen go completely white. Congressional Virus: The computer locks up. Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat. and lazy and then self destructs. "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess. The frog then cried out. picked up the frog. "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess.A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said. This virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs. "If you kiss me. I'm a computer programmer. smiled at it. but your data is in Singapore.

Terry Randle virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the " malls and service stations across rural America. but you can't get rid of it until November. Pat Buchanan virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen. the doctor asks him what happened. "I'm not Santa Claus. just before the whole thing quits. Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. If you attempt to erase a file. This virus won't harm your PC. Government economist virus: Nothing works. but it will trash your car." PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money. Paul Tsongas virus: Pops up on December 25 and says. Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file. George Bush virus: Doesn't do anything. and then slowly expands back to 200MB. lock up your dog! Mario Cuomo virus: It would be a great virus. twice if by C:. Big Mistake A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion. Nike virus: Just Does It! Ollie North virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder. UK Parliament virus: Splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming other side for the state of the system. Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard. but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine. two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system.5 percent margin of error). . Retry. Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB. Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor. Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. Fail" message. Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units. regardless of how old it is. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN. Warren Commission virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years. it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives. but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism". Madonna virus: If your computer gets this virus. but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer. Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus". Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3. Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened. Naturally. multiple bruises. Right To Life virus: Won't allow you to delete a file. each of which do practically nothing. but it refuses to run.

“Hey. noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. in room 1012. your husband will surely die. as he probably had a hard day. make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. and while I was rooting around." On the way home. “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife. it was like this. "I'm Betty Sanders in 1012! My doctor. she's had three meals. Sanders is doing very well. Be pleasant.” “That’s when I made my big mistake." He said. fix him a healthy breakfast." she . Bertran is going to send her home the day after tomorrow. “Well. I lifted the cow’s tail again and yelled to my wife. "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease. and sure enough. when at a difficult hole. and make sure he is in a good mood. we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. "What is the patient's name and room number?" She said. her blood pressure is fine. "Hello. yes. Don't discuss your problems with him. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. In fact. I walked over and lifted up the tail. "Thank you! That's wonderful! Oh! That's fantastic! That's wonderful news!" The man on the phone said." The woman said. said.“Well. After his checkup. If you don't do the following. "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die." The voice on the other end of the line said. Ms. this looks like yours!” “I don’t remember much after that!” Information A woman. there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it– stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. it will only make his stress worse. I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend?" She said. "Oh." "Each morning. "Yes. I want to know if a patient is getting better." What Did The Doctor Say? A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. the husband asked his wife. never tells me anything. He said. Don't burden him with chores.” said the man. she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement. We went to look for them.” “What did you do?” asks the doctor. combined with horrible stress. And most importantly. darling! She's Betty Sanders. I think your husband will regain his health completely. the doctor called the wife into his office alone. Dr. "From your enthusiasm. If you can do this for the next ten months to a year. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. calling a hospital.

. And if the ear doctor. They make an entire career out of that hole. The operation went fine. There are ear doctors.replied. The doctor sent back a list with two things: 1 screw $ 1 Knowing how to put it in $4999 $5000 total The businessman promptly paid. proctologists. He gives him projective tests. Nothing shows up. or proctologist can’t help you. there’s a guy who specializes in your hole. and the doctor sent the business man a fee for his services of $5000. in desperation. Finally. Why? So he can make a new hole! Cost Itemization A rich businessman’s wife broke her hip. any place you got a hole. Black And Brown A child psychologist for a school is asked to see a pupil who draws all his pictures with black and brown crayons. gynecologist. nose doctor. nose doctors. and throat man to get well. The operation consisted of lining up the broken hip and putting in a screw to secure it. Nothing obvious. throat doctors. gynecologists. he gives him some paper and a box of crayons. The businessman was outraged at the cost. he sends you to a surgeon. The businessman got the best bone surgeon in town to do the operation. He talks to him. Holes Once I was sick and I had to go to an ear. and sent the doctor a letter demanding an itemized list of the costs. nose. throat doctor.

my husband goes to the health club. and handed it to her and said. "Who listens?" Fit Middle Aged Woman Five mornings a week. "When you get to the part about calling a doctor. and rarely even broke a sweat. has made an old man of me. a woman stepped forward and prepared to help the victim." . we’ll have to have you put down. "I’m already here. about symptoms. worried and withered. gets on the stair-stepper. she's hopping back onto the stepper for another session." she said." Trained In CPR After an accident. if that doesn’t work. he noticed an amazingly fit middle-aged woman who seemed to run circles around everyone. and buries his nose in a book." The younger looking one replies. wrote out a prescription. all day long. looked her up and down. took few breaks. I’m a vet . sets the timer. "What's your secret? Listening to other people's problems every day. how long had they been occurring. Of course.. "There you are. while the other psychologist looks old. for years on end." The woman watched his procedures for a few moments." he complained. "It's not fair. when she interrupted him: "Hey look. "Step back please! I’ve had a course in first aid and I’m trained in CPR." The Secret Of Staying Young Two psychologists meet at their twentieth college reunion.I don’t need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what’s wrong just by looking." says the boy. One of them looks like he just graduated. Recently. "I get an old box in school and only black and brown were left. then tapped him on the shoulder. The doctor asked her all the usual questions. "By the time I'm dragging myself off to the showers."Oh goody. The older looking one asks the other." Too Many Questions A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. She was asked to step aside by a man who announced. Why can’t you?" The doctor nodded. etc.

What can you give me to keep it in? Doctor: A shoebox. "What are you in here for?" The first kid responded. what should I do if my temperature goes up a point or more? Doctor: Sell! Doctor: Nurse. What are the chances? Optometrist to patient: Don’t worry. you won’t be able to see the difference.One day he came home with a sheepish grin. I couldn't walk for a year!" More Medical One Or Two Liners Patient: My hair keeps falling out. you stupid monkey! Patient to optometrist: I’m very worried about the outcome of this operation. Patient: Doctor." The first kid said." The second kid said." I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." he said. Patient: Doctor. the one who swallowed ten quarters? Nurse: No change yet." You've got nothing to worry about. Patient: I just did. I can’t remember anything! . They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. "Well. "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I had that done to me once. Patient: Doctor. Doctor: Tell me about your problem. "What are you in here for?" The second kid said. It's a piece of cake!" The second kid then asked." Why Are You Here Two kids in a hospital who were lying next to each other? The first kid leans over and asked. how is that little boy doing. I keep losing my temper with people. "they're identical twins. you must help me. I'm here for a circumcision. doctor. didn’t I. "Well. I’m under such a lot of stress. I have a serious memory problem.

so he moves closer to her. "Doc. the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. When they arrived at the doctors." The doctor answers. move a little closer and ask again. "Well. If she doesn't answer. Later that night while watching TV. I think my wife's going deaf. she answers. until he's standing just a few feet away from her. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?" "Well. "Where are you . "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy. and they're in favor 15 to 2. "Honey. He repeats this several times.Doctor: So. Finally." My Wife Is Going Deaf A man is talking to the family doctor. After checking the couple out. here's something you can try on her to test her hearing. Keep repeating this until she answers. "Honey. the man got up from his chair and his wife asked. after a man had his annual physical. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question." "That's a pretty big decision. what's for dinner?" He doesn't hear an answer. since when did you have this problem? Patient: What problem? Vasectomy One day." he said. He walks in the door and says. I said we're having POT ROAST!" Memory Problems An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things. the doctor came out and said. so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is. Have you talked it over with your family?" "Yeah. what's for dinner?" Still no answer. "You had a great checkup. The couple thanked the doctor and left. "For the eleventh time." The man goes home and tries it out.

"Well I would also like some strawberries on top." He then fumes into the kitchen. to patient: "Well." She replied. Doctor. "Yes. I can remember that. . Mrs." Dr. "No. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." She asked. "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that. Jones. "Sure." She then said. "Why are all the blinds closed?" she asked her doctor. They begin to work after your check clears. "I can remember that. you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. the customer asks. "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied." Drawn Blinds The patient awakened after the operation to find herself in a room with all the blinds drawn. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!" Medical One Or Two Liners What do you call 2 orthopedic doctors reading an EKG? A double blind study! Patient: Doctor. he said. "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I’m afraid you’re not quite as sick as we’d hoped. I broke my arm in two places! Doctor: Stay out of those places! After receiving his medication from the pharmacist. "are these time release pills?" The pharmacist replies." She then asked him." He said.going?" He replied." With irritation in his voice. "To the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs.

"Excuse me. "They're fighting a huge fire across the street. what does the X-ray of my head show? Doctor: Absolutely nothing! Patient (to cosmetic surgeon): Will it hurt me. I think it is sharp enough.. Better save that.that uh.. Hand me that." he said. We'll need it for the autopsy. Whoa."Well. 7." the surgeon responded. doctor? Surgeon: Only when you get my bill.thingie 6. there's big money in kidneys. "We're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone. Don't worry. did this patient sign the organs donation card? 3.. saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds. Heck. she tries to prevent me from making her take it! . Darn! Page 84 of the manual is missing! 4. Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 1.." Even More More Quick Doctor Jokes Patient: Doctor." Top Ten Things You Do Not Want To Hear In Surgery 1. he's got two of them Heart Transplant A new arrival. "You know. about to enter hospital. Doctor! There are three dogs outside in the waiting room! Patient: My daughter believes in preventative medicine. Mrs Brown. wait a minute..000 bones in the human body? Patient: Shhh.. and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed. "have you lost something?" "No. 2.. Doctor: Oh.uh." replied one of the doctors. really? Patient: Yes. Everybody stand back! I lost a contact lens! 5. then what's that? 8. if this is his spleen. Nurse.. doctor.

this is a fish and chip shop! Doctor my son has swallowed my pen. of her chronic indigestion. entrusted his practice to his son ." said the father. Sir. Anderson. an aged and wealthy spinster. I really did! Doctor I think I need glasses You certainly do. what should I do? Use a pencil ? till I get there Doctor I think I'm a bell? Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring! Doctor I think I'm suffering from Deja Vu! Didn't I see you yesterday? Doctor I've got wind! Can you give me something? Yes .here's a kite! Doctor how do I stop my nose from running?! Stick your foot out and trip it! Broken Leg . that he had cured Ms. Patient: Doctor.a recent medical school graduate. "I'm proud of you. I have yellow teeth. but Ms. what do I do? Dentist: Wear a brown tie! Bad Cure A primary care Doctor. Anderson's indigestion is what put you through college and medical school. "My boy." Doctor One Liners Doctor I swallowed a bone. When the the father returned. the son told him among other things.A patient came to his dentist with problems with his teeth. Are you choking? No.

" "Never mind the past." "Are you sure?" she asked." Taken aback. I said. doc." the mother said. that night. Jones said. but you're 68 years old. when I first started working on the farm. this morning." The doctor thought some more and continued. Jones went to visit her doctor. I fell off the roof!" Birth Control Pills Mrs." I said. "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?" Mrs. "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night.. "They help me sleep better. "I'd like to have some birth control pills.25 years ago. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?" Mrs. "I reckon not... the doctor thought for a minute and then said. Jones responded. "No.. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. "She has been having some strange symptoms and I'm worried about her. "Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know." the farmhand explained. "I'm sure. "Excuse me. she replied." I replied. 25 years ago . everything is fine." "Like I was saying. I believe your daughter . Tell me how you broke your leg this morning. When the doctor asked why she was there. "Well. Jones. "when it dawned on me what she meant." Expectant Daughter A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologist's office."How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg. the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. Mrs. "Madam." said the doctor. The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter. "What does this story have to do with your leg?" "Well. right after I'd gone to bed. "Excuse me. The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced.

"That's nonsense! Why." Even More Quick Doctor Jokes A patient walks into a doctor's office. Doctor: Next! A man." Nurse: Doctor. is there something wrong out there?" "No. Then. but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month. He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask. "Why. you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!" The doctor looked from mother to daughter." She turned to the girl. John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat? Doctor: Of course! Cut your head off. staring out. and back again." "Yeah. you have always the same model. people ignore me. silently he stood up and walked to the window." said the girl. "You don't." said the doctor. Patient: Doctor. A doctor is talking to a car mechanic. visited the local doctor. Doctor: What does he call his other eye? Good News Bad News 2 An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. seeking to lose some of his excess weight. it hasn't changed since Adam. "the owner replied. there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown. When I told him it . a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up. "I have good news and bad news. mommy. "Doctor. my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men." The mother gasped. do you. dear?" "No. pregnant. Madam. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. "Your fee is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care. but you see. "It's just that the last time anything like this happened.

"Congratulations sir. When I asked him why he was leaving. A little more." . Smith stood up and said. She replies." The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave.. Smith's wife has just had triplets.. "Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little. "What's the bad news?" "The man was your doctor. you're the new father of twins!" The man replied.. I'm a little worried about the pain. how do ya like that.. "I work for 7-UP. "I think I need a breath of fresh air. he remarked.. "Well. it's difficult to describe pain. that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides." "I know. This is her first pregnancy. "Well." The man then followed the woman to his wife's room.. the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company.would." "Like this?" "A little more. he bought all 15 of your paintings. About an hour later. "Well." Waiting Room I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me. but can't you give me some idea?" she asks. How much will childbirth hurt?" The doctor answered." "Like this?" "No. "That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed. I work for the 3M Company. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. "How about that. Mr." Will It Hurt Much A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant." The man continued.

what should I do if my temperature goes up five more points? Doctor: Sell! Prisoner: Look here. and song. Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now. adenoids. and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game. Nurse: Doctor.00 for just a few minutes work? Dentist: Well. and one of my kidneys.00. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place! Doctor: I am. bit by bit. It will just seem longer. doctor! You've already removed my spleen. Patient: Doctor. women. I think I swallowed a pillow." "Now stretch it over your head!" More Quick Doctor Jokes Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest."Like this?" "Yes. there is an invisible man in your waiting room. Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled? Dentist: $100. I can extract it very slowly if you like. it wasn't all that bad this time. Patient: Doctor. Patient: Doctor. if I give up wine. Doctor: Tell him I can't see him now. Next. tonsils. Patient: $100. Good News Bad News 1 . Doctor: How do you feel? Patient: A little down in the mouth. will I live longer? Doctor: Not really. most painful screams? Patient: Why? Docor. Does that hurt?" "A little bit.

Ontario (just east of Toronto). broke into the local elementary school. And again. Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them. Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news? Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers. police said. Then they dragged out the restaurant safe. What to do? They decided the safe would open if they drove over it with the car. Patient: What happened? Doctor: Well. then bound them with duct tape. after spending more than half-an-hour trying to open a safe they had stolen from the restaurant by driving back and forth over it with a car. forced two cleaners leaving the Swiss Chalet back into the restaurant at gunpoint. who face a variety of charges. Police are still looking for a 21-year-old male suspect. and a third still being sought. ages 12. One way not to open a safe. Police said two would-be robbers were arrested early Sunday morning in the parking lot of a Swiss Chalet restaurant in Ajax. Damage to the car was extensive but the safe was barely harmed. loaded it into the trunk of one of the cleaners’ cars and headed out. They broke into the school office and pulled all the school records out of the file drawers and ran them .Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here? Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus. robbed them. 13 and 15. the men were still busy in the parking lot with the reluctant safe. A half-hour later. including broken windows and destroyed lockers. If didn’t. They caused over $50. Out tumbled the safe. and kicked one cleaner in the head. Mug Shots One night three boys. That’s when they hit the speed bump in the restaurant parking lot. They did. The frustrated robbers tried again. Police dogs ran down two suspects aged 18 and 19. The two men. And again. I've got some good news and some bad news.000 worth of damage to the school. When the police showed up. one of the cleaners finally freed himself and called 911. Which would you like to hear first? Patient: Give me the bad news first.

When the delivery man had trouble finding their house. and contacted the police. Pizza Delivery Two men ordered a couple of pizzas using their real names. Being the neat and tidy boys they were. Small Change A man walked into a convenience store. When the clerk opened the cash drawer.through the paper shredder. The sheriff looked in the trash cans the next morning and found perfect mug shots of each of the boys involved. Determined to do as much damage as possible. “When they got bored with trashing the place. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled-. got back in his car and drove off. they kept the copies they liked and threw the ones they didn’t like into a nearby trash can. who found the 21-yearold bank customer with a gun in his possession and some marijuana.leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. which the clerk promptly provided. about a week ago.” Big Check In Forth Worth.” a police spokes person said. a man tried to cash a check at a bank. they played with the copy machine. put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. Oh.” The delivery man drove back to the restaurant and called the police. the amount of the check? $360 billion dollars. he called and arranged to meet the two men nearby. the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register. The teller immediately realized something was up. who had no problem finding . “The delivery person got out carrying the pizzas and they put a gun to his face. taking prints of their backsides and faces. phone number and home address. along with the contents of all the desk and file drawers. “So the delivery person threw the pizzas at them. they started piling trash in the middle of the floor. He had stolen the check from his mother-in-law and then wrote in the amount.

” said a police spokesman. “Only he was in jail at the time. He was taken to a nearby Hospital. they pulled the bumper off their truck. though. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine. treated for a dislocated shoulder and released into the custody of police. lacking a key. With the chain still attached to the machine. Everything went according to plan until he became wedged in a crawlspace.wearing his own handcuffs. He got stuck and was trapped for several hours before passers-by heard his screams for help.” Stealing A Cash Machine Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. He's Back .the correct house. couldn’t get them off. The man was taken into custody . With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper Going Through The Roof A man decided to break into an office building by cutting a hole in the roof. With their bumper still attached to the chain. Handcuffs A man had a little too much time on his hands one day and decided to play with a set of handcuffs he had lying around the house. He put the handcuffs on and. The responding officers ran a routine computer check on the man and found an outstanding arrest warrant for failing to appear in court for driving on a suspended license. they left the scene and drove home. Scared. “We took them off like he asked. Did he call a locksmith? No. He called the police.

he was identified as the perpetrator of several bank robberies. ‘I didn’t say that!’ Needless to say. then patiently waited in their car for the loot to arrive. “I then proceeded to have them turn around and step forward. the man pulled a ski mask over his face and put his hand in his pocket.” Digital This During a high school break-in two burglars found a camera in one of the classrooms and amused themselves by taking pictures of each other committing the crime. they concluded it wasn't loaded and left it behind. I asked each of the men to repeat the same phrase. When the teller looked up and saw the masked man. she screamed and ducked behind the counter. who was now demanding all her money. Masked Man A first-time bank robber gave six $50 bills to a teller and asked her to exchange them for hundreds. social security number and current address. Then he became so nervous that he ran out of the store without a dime. We had all the tellers and witnesses in to view the line up.A man filled out a check-cashing card at a store he intended to rob. pressed the button to send it in. The men . He returned 25 minutes later. The robber got scared and ran out of the bank. When we got to number five. leaving his own $300 behind. Serial Bank Robber “We arrested a serial bank robber then arranged a line up. two blocks from the store. he said. age. instead of saying what I asked him to say. The store manager told police who the man was and they picked him up at his home. walked up to the same window and demanded money from the same clerk. feigning a hidden gun. As she did. When they couldn't figure out how to get the film out of the camera. The police arrived a few minutes later and arrested the pair. Pneumatic Tube A couple of geniuses pulled into a bank’s drive-up lane. put their stick-up note in the pneumatic tube. He wrote down his true name.

a Miami prosecutor is asking the judge to send him away for life. He liked the pants so much he stole the pants. The wallet contained a photo of the crook. along with his name and address. because the man has a record as a violent career criminal. They made a rope out of bedsheets and used it to scale a wall and climb down the other side. They were promptly apprehended. In a drunken stupor. He told her to wait while he went inside to conduct his business.apparently didn't realize they'd been fooling around with a digital camera that stores pictures on a computer disk. Mommy and Clyde A young man asked his mother to drive him to the bank without telling her he planned to rob it. Accidental Shooting An unemployed sanitation worker in Miami is facing life in prison -. Investigators downloaded the snapshots to a computer and got a complete photographic record of the break-in. Careless Shoplifter A crook went into a department store to try on a pair of pants. A few minutes later junior came running out with the cash. They entered it into the computer and moments later arrested him because information on the screen showed he was . the other side of the wall was still inside the prison grounds. the officers asked him for a piece of identification to use for demonstration purposes. At first. The suspects were quickly arrested. How About A Demonstration A man walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer to a group of children. The man gave them his driver’s license. a shirt. he ran out without his wallet. The man's public defender calls that "ridiculous. the man reached for a pistol he had hidden in his pants.. When he asked how the system worked. but the man was charged with a concealed weapons violation and possession of a firearm by a convicted felon. Unfortunately. The gun went off. he told officers someone else had shot him. nuggets. only to find that mom had parked the car and gone inside a nearby grocery store to do some shopping." and says the man's injury is punishment enough. Escape A couple of inmates tried to escape from their medium security prison. but changed his story after paramedics found the shell casing in his underwear. Cops ruled the shooting accidental. and the bullet struck the man in the. a watch and $100 from the clerk. The maximum sentence for those crimes is normally 15 years but. Unfortunately for them. which he’d put on a shelf while he tried on the pants..for shooting himself in the privates.

having friends. Walkie Talkies A group of burglars decided to use walkie talkies to pull off their biggest heist ever. Success is. They were..success is. At age 4...not peeing in your pants.having a drivers license. At age 85. only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties. so the robber called the police and was arrested. Intoxicated Robber When two service station attendants in Ionia.success is... Hoping to find your own meal...success is..wanted for a two year-old armed robbery..success is... the man threatened to call the police.success is. “Infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie! I need water! I should kill you.. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $75. he hurried towards it. They still refused.having money....success is..success is.having sex...success is....... was trudging through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. “I have no water.not peeing in your pants... At age 35..... The radios. “Do you have water?” The Jewish man replied. At age 50.. It never occurred to the mental athletes that the police might be listening in. Ice Cold Water A fleeing Taliban. but I must find water first!” ...having friends. At age 10.. The Taliban asked....success is.. At age 21.success is. At age 75.success is. At age 70. Michigan refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber. At age 16... desperate for your own meal. they figured.having a drivers license... would allow them to monitor the police as well as coordinate their own activities. At age 60.having sex...00” The Taliban shouted..... At age 12. At age 80..having money...success is.

Sit! Stay!" In a Cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Try to reach a full minute." At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for. you will find a lovely restaurant. OK” said the old Jewish man. almost dead… “Your lousy brother won’t let me in without a tie!” Exercise Plan For People Over 50 Begin by standing on a comfortable surface. put a potato in each of the sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute." In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Back in 5 minutes. “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. you've come to the right place." In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand. extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles. (I'm at this level. and then relax.” Muttering. Several hours later he staggered back." In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels." On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission" On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte.“OK. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. Socks can eat any place they want. It has all the ice cold water you need. Business Signs In a non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action. the Taliban staggered away over the hill. where you have plenty of room at each side. Growing wise is optional!" . After a couple of weeks. move up to 10-lb potato sacks.) After you feel confident at that level. Shalom. I will show you that I am bigger than that.

a stylist 14. sympathetic 25. a gynecologist 16. a good listener 21. attentive 28. very clean 24. a sexologist 15. a master 7.At a diet center: "It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts!" How to Make a Woman Happy It's not difficult to make a woman happy. strong 34. a friend 2. tender 33. warm 27. a mechanic 12. a brother 5. understanding . a decorator 13. an electrician 9. a healer 20. a companion 3. a good father 23. a carpenter 10. a father 6. a chef 8. athletic 26. intelligent 30. funny 31. a plumber 11. creative 32. a psychiatrist 19. a pest exterminator 18. gallant 29. an organizer 22. a psychologist 17. A man only needs to be: 1. a lover 4.

determined 41.. courageous 40. be very rich 49. IT IS VERY IMPORTANT: 54. not look at other girls AND AT THE SAME TIME. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table.35. it's a tiger. give her lots of space. tolerant 36. dependable 43. Never to forget: * birthdays * anniversaries * arrangements she makes Jigsaw Puzzle A blonde called her boyfriend and said. "According to the picture on the box.. love shopping 47. give her lots of attention. and I can't figure it out or how to get it started. give her compliments regularly 46. compassionate WITHOUT FORGETTING TO: 45. especially time for herself 53... give her lots of time. "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde said. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle. YOU MUST ALSO: 51." Her boyfriend asked. ambitious 38. prudent 37. true 42. but expect little yourself 52. not stress her out 50. capable 39. be honest 48. never worrying about where she goes. "Please come over here and help me." Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. passionate 44. .

5 and 6. If you are bipolar.. 12.. stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you have multiple personalities. Men are from earth.... we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He took her hand and said. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. hang up. 13. press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. it doesn't matter which number you press. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. no matter what we do. If you are manic-depressive. we know who you are and what you want. Women are from earth. . 7. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. Deal with it. If you are paranoid. press 3. If you are schizophrenic. 5. 3. please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. But . "First of all. I want you to relax... 6. 9. die anyway. then turned to her and said. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then. listen carefully and a little voice will tell You which number to press. 4. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. If you are co-dependent . Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. they move the ends.He studied the pieces for a moment. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. Experience is a wonderful thing. 10." he sighed. Eat well. nothing will make you happy anyway. 4. By the time you can make ends meet. Please select from the following options menu: If you are obsessive-compulsive. "Let's put all of these frosted flakes back into the box.. "Second." Modern Truisms 1. 2. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world... Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never run out of material. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. please ask someone to press 2 for you.. looked at the box. If you are delusional .. press 1 repeatedly... Mental Hospital Phone Menu Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.. 8. press 9-6-9-6. If you are dyslexic. 11. stay fit.

Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.Please wait for the beep. this means half an hour. or faint. (2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed. DO NOT say "you're welcome" in this case. (7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Our operators are too busy to talk with you. Do not question. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. You'll just mess it up. If you have low self-esteem. but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. (8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying screw YOU! (9) Don't worry about it. don't press any buttons. press 9. for that will bring on a "whatever"). This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. This will later result in a . and you should be on your toes. turn on the fan. If you are menopausal. If you have short-term memory loss. If you have short-term memory loss press 9. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care. meaning this is something that a woman has asked a man to do several times. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing.that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. (3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. What Women really Mean . This means something. (5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word. You won't be crazy forever. If you are blonde. Don't do It. I want to add in a clause here: This is true unless she says "Thanks a lot" . please hang up.Nine Useful Word Definitions (1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. If you have short-term memory loss. hang up. not permission. just say you're welcome. press 9. put the gun down. but is now doing it herself. lie down and cry. (4) Go Ahead: This is a dare. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. I got it: Another dangerous statement.) (6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man.

HE : How did you get to be so beautiful? SHE : I must've been given your share. I've been looking for a face like yours. How To Turn Down An Unwanted Advance HE : Can I buy you a drink? SHE : Actually I'd rather have the money. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice? SHE : Must've been once. HE : I'm a photographer. HE : I think I could make you very happy. I've been looking for a face like yours. . SHE : Okay. HE : Your face must turn a few heads. SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs. get out. I can't talk and laugh at the same time. HE : Will you go out with me this Saturday? SHE : Sorry.don't be shy. HE: Hi. I'm having a headache this asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to # 3. I never make the same mistake twice. HE : Can I have your name? SHE : Why? Don't you already have one? HE : Shall we go see a movie? SHE : I've already seen it. SHE : Why? Are you leaving? HE : What would you say if I asked you to marry me? SHE : Nothing. SHE : I'm a plastic surgeon. HE : Go on . Ask me out. HE : Where have you been all my life? SHE : Hiding from you.

what's your sign? SHE : Do not enter. 3. Leaving the house without your cell phone. 7. Even worse. you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message. HE : Is this seat empty? SHE : Yes. 14. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.HE : Haven't I seen you some place before? SHE : Yes. SHE : If I saw you naked. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries. ~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~ . and this one will be if you sit down. 5. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee. 11. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. HE : So. which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave. there are no services today. is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it. 15. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. SHE : Sorry. HE : Hey baby. That's why I don't go there anymore. 10. : ) 12. HE : If I could see you naked. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 2. I'd die happy. what do you do for a living? SHE : I'm a female impersonator. YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2011 when 1. 4. I'd probably die laughing. 13. 6. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen 8. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list. HE : Your body is like a temple. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

. · CHIHUAHUA: . my nails will be dry. me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? · TIBETAN TERRIER: Let the Border Collie do it. · BOXER: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.. You can feed me while he's busy! · JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.. · POODLE: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. · COCKER SPANIEL: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself. me. · DACHSHUND: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp! · ROTTWEILER: Make me. I'm going to sleep on the couch. · LAB: Oh. Change A Lightbulb · GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining.. and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb? · BORDER COLLIE: Just one. the day is young. · DOBERMAN: While it's dark. By the time he finishes rewiring the house.. we've got our whole lives ahead of us.

Yo quiero Taco Bulb. · IRISH WOLFHOUND: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover.... · POINTER: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there.... · GREYHOUND: It isn't moving. Who cares? · AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle.. · OLD ENGLISH SHEEP DOG: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb? · HOUND DOG: ZZZZZZzzzzz.z.z.z..z..z..z...z CATS: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the question is: How long will it be before I can expect light? ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF...

Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace (and elsewhere)!!! 1. BLAMESTORMING : Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. 2. SEAGULL MANAGER : A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves. 3. ASSMOSIS : The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard 4. SALMON DAY : The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end. 5. CUBE FARM : An office filled with cubicles. 6. PRAIRIE DOGGING : When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. 7. MOUSE POTATO : The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

8. SITCOMs : Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. 9. STRESS PUPPY : A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. 10. SWIPEOUT : An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. 11. XEROX SUBSIDY : Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace. 12. IRRITAINMENT : Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. 13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE : The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. Often feel like doing this to my computer...... 14. ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. 15. 404 : Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located. 16. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions. 17. OHNOSECOND : That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake). 18. WOOFS : Well-Off Older Folks. 19. CROP DUSTING : Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.

Wedding Anniversary Tony was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE!! The next morning, Tony got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Tony has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.

Darwin Awards When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked. the honorable mentions: The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER] When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

Attitude A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As the bride undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big guy, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants", she said. "That's right!", said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!" With that, the bride flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on, and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right and that's the way it's going to be until your attitude changes!"

Bad Weather A guy goes fishing every Saturday morning. He gets up early and eager, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes, all day long. Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck and down the driveway he goes. As he is coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph. Minutes later, he returns to the garage.

" Boy: "When we get married. dumb. "What do you like most in me." Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?" Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself." Wife: "I was looking for the expiration date. cantankerous. darling." To which she sleepily replies." Short Gender Jokes #1 Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet.or what?" "Not at all." Husband: "Nothing? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour. Concerned about this. quietly undresses and slips back into bed. but I don't have any worries or troubles. now with a different anticipation.He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders. a local woman called on the manager and asked him. know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them. no matter how impossible. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long."The weather out there is terrible. I want to share all your worries and troubles and lighten your burden. Ma'am. "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" Married Men Only In a small town in the US. 'what problem could be greater than this one?'" Husband: "What are you doing?" Wife: "Nothing.. "I like your sense of humor. there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak. so he puts his boat back in the garage. I look at your picture and the problem disappears. and whispers. my pretty face or my sexy body?" He looked at her from head to toe and replied." A wife asked her husband. Why?" Hubby: "When there is a problem. that's because we aren't married yet." Boy: "Well." the manager replied. There he cuddles up to his wife's back." ." Girl: "It's very kind of you. are accustomed to being shoved around.

What are my choices?" Wife: "Yes or no. Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them. 4. We'll never regret piercing our ears. You only get one wish!" . 8. Free movies . Genie A man was walking along a Florida beach and stumbled across an old lamp. About Men #2 How many honest. 3. 6. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions. 7. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know.. so we get to cash in on the life insurance. How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer. and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. We can fully assess a person just by looking at her or his shoes. We have the ability to dress ourselves. Free drinks. He picked it up and rubbed it. (you get the point)." It Is Better To Be A Woman 1. intelligent. caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems. We can cry and get out of speeding tickets. it has never happened. and out popped a genie. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing. The genie said.. You released me from the lamp. 9. 5. blah blah blah. 10. Men die earlier. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Free dinners..Wife: "Do you want dinner?" Husband: "Sure. This is the fourth time this month. Guys look like complete idiots in ours. "OK.. 2.

but I'm scared to fly. think of another wish. "That's impossible!!! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete -. . I just don't want you as a boyfriend now. Without you in it.The man sat. and I get very seasick." The man said. I wish that I could understand women. So. he said. "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii. know what they really want when they say "nothing. "I've been married and divorced four times. You cheap slob! I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW. COME HERE. I DON'T KNOW." The genie said. "OK. know how to make them truly happy. NO. I'll try to think of a really good much steel!! No." Finally. and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said. PIZZA'S FINE. Know why they're crying. and thought about it for a while and said. know how they feel inside. too. DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS? We haven't had a fight in a while. "Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?" What Women Really Mean I JUST NEED SOME SPACE. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? I can't believe you have nothing planned. My puppy does this.".

OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!! Well.. I'm just being nice. I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS. near there. What did the mayonnaise say to the refrigerator? Close the door. but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will. I'm dressing! Where does a bat eat his dinner? On home plate. We're gonna make fun of you and your friends. Why couldn't the sesame seed leave the gambling casino? Because he was on a roll. BUT. How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator? Footprints in the cheesecake. YOU NEVER LISTEN. OH. I just want to get this over with. Why did the student eat his homework? The teacher told him it was a piece of cake.. I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE. I don't like you. and he has a ball. there's no way I'm going dutch. NO. You never listen. . Food Riddles #1 What do you get when you put three ducks in a box? A box of quackers. What did the cannibal order for take-out? Pizza with everyone on it. I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF. What's in an astronaut's favorite sandwich? Launch meat.I LIKE YOU. I'm ready.

Why did the chewing gum cross the road? It was stuck to the leg of a chicken !!! What did the egg say to the other egg? Let's get cracking! What do you say to a cow that crosses in front of your car? Mooo-ve over. Why was the chicken afraid of the chicken? It was a chicken. .How can you make seven even? Remove the "S". Why is Turtle Wax so expensive? Because turtles have such tiny ears. Why did the boy bring a ladder to school? He thought it was a high school! If April showers bring May flowers then what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims! What's in the middle of a jellyfish? A jellybutton. What do mermaids have on toast? Mermerlade Why do elephants never forget? Because nobody ever tells them anything How do porcupines play leapfrog? Very carefully. What did Tarzan say when he heard the elephants coming? "Here come the elephants!" Why did the parrot wear a raincoat? So he could be polyunsaturated. Why did the turtle cross the road? To get to the Shell Station! How do you know if there's an elephant under your bed? You bump your nose on the ceiling. What did the duck say when he bought lipstick? Put it on my bill.

" Tommy replied. "Nope. then he stomped on it to ensure its fate.What would you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer." Sport Riddles #2 Why did the baseball player get arrested? For stealing the bases! Why were the baseball players so hot & sweaty? Because their fans went away! Why is Cinderella a poor basketball player? Because she had a pumpkin for a coach! Why did the campers bring a baseball player with them? To pitch the tent! Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarterback! . and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes. could stand it no more. "Because. but eventually one student. Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don't work. Little Jimmy replied: "That's how Mommy knows supper is ready!" My kids love going to the Web. eager to play their shiny new instruments. What did Mickey say when Minnie asked if he was listening? I'm all ears! Quips My mother came by to show off her brand-new Pontiac Grand Am. What pie can fly? A magpie. The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class: "Does anyone know what this is?" Little Jimmy's hand shot up and the firefighter called on him. "They spelled grandma wrong!" Little Jimmy's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station. "they said it has to have at least four characters." my son explained. He rolled up his music book and swatted the insect. Tommy." and asked why it was so long. My eight-year-old daughter took one look at the car and indignantly proclaimed. "Was it a bee?" another student asked. The sixth-graders. tried to ignore the buzzing intruder. I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto." The summer band class was just getting under way when a large insect flew into the room. "Bee flat.

What kind of football player wears the biggest helmet? The one with the biggest head! Why did the golfer take a spare pair of pants? In case he got a hole in one! Why didn't the nose make the volleyball team? He didn't get picked! What is the difference between a heavyweight boxer & a man with a cold? One knows his blows and the other blows his nose! Did you hear about the marathon runner who worked as a chimney sweep? He was a great runner but suffered from Athlete's Soot! Why are baseball stadium seats so cold? Because FANS sit in them! Does it take longer to run from first base to second or second base to third? Second base to third because there is a shortstop! What should you do when 19 guys are running at you? Throw the football! What does a hunter do with a basketball? He shoots it! Which baseball team also takes care of sick animals? The New York Vets! Why are basketball players such messy eaters? Because they dribble! What do a dog & a baseball player have in common? They both catch flies. They kept doing that until they were at the bottom. so he takes a waterproof chalk and board out of his bag and writes "How the heck can you stay down here without any gear?" The man without the gear takes the eraser and then writes "I am drowning you moron!!!" Greatest In The World A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard. chase strays. The man without the gear went down 20 more feet and the man with the gear followed. wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat: "I'm the greatest hitter in the world. & run for home when they see the catcher! Under Water A scuba diver was 20 feet down under the water and saw a man without scuba gear. ." he announced. Now the man with the gear is confused.

Police who? Police let us in. who? Doris locked. swung at it. but do you want to buy a set of encyclopedias? Knock Knock! Who's there? Tank. The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. Knock Knock! Doris. Undaunted. Norma Lee who? Normalee I don't go around knocking on doors. he tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed. He missed. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air." Knock Knock Jokes For Children #5 Knock Knock! Who's there? Police. I love who? I don't know. Wendy Who? . "Strike Three!" "Wow!" he exclaimed. "Strike One!" he yelled. Doris. He straightened his cap and said once more. and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried. Tank who? You're welcome! Knock Knock! Who's there? Wendy. he picked up the ball and said again. it's cold out here. that's why I had to knock! Knock Knock! Who's there? I love. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world. you tell me! Knock Knock! Who's there? Norma Lee.Then. "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it.

Why do cats like to hear other cats make noise? It's meow-sic to their ears! Why do cats eat fur balls? Because they love a good gag! Why does everyone love cats? They're purr-fect! What do you call a cat who eats lemons? A sourpuss! What do you call it when a cat bites? Catnip! What's every cat's favorite song? Three Blind Mice! What do you call it when a cat stops? A paws! . Knock Knock! Who's there? Spank. Goat who? Goat to the door and find out! Silly Cat Jokes What do cats eat for breakfast? Mice Crispies. Yo momma. Knock Knock! Who's there? Yo momma..Wendy Red Red Robin Comes Bob Bob Bobbing' Along. Spank who? Spank you! Knock Knock! Who's there? Goat. who? Yo mama that's yo momma who. Mary lee who? Mary Lee we roll along.. open the door! Knock Knock! Who's there? Mary Lee.

What do you call a cat when he first wakes up with the alarm clock? Catsup! Where do cats write down notes? Scratch Paper! Chicken Jokes #2 What do you call a rooster who wakes you up at the same time every morning? An alarm cluck! Why don't chickens like people? People beat eggs! Why did the rooster run away? He was chicken! What happened when the chicken ate cement? She laid a sidewalk! What did the chicken do when he saw a bucket of fried chicken? She kicked the bucket! What do you call a crazy chicken? A cuckoo cluck! Why did the horse cross the road? Because the chicken needed a day off. . Why did the chicken end up in the soup? Because it ran out of cluck! What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll! Why does a chicken coop have two doors? Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan! How long do chickens work? Around the cluck! What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon? They go on peck-nics! Why did the chick disappoint his mother? He wasn't what he was cracked up to be! Is chicken soup good for your health? Not if you're the chicken! Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? He heard the referee calling fowls.

After that. the box isn't empty anymore! Where do you go when a dinosaur sneezes? As far away as possible! What's the best way to talk to a Tyrannosaurus Rex? Long distance! Silly History Riddles Why were the early days of history called the dark ages? Because there were so many knights! How did the Vikings send secret messages? By norse code! What kind of lighting did Noah use for the ark? Floodlights! What did they do at the Boston Tea Party? "I don't know. I wasn't invited!" Why aren't you doing well in history? Because the teacher keeps on asking about things that happened before I was born! .Why is it easy for chicks to talk? Because talk is cheep! Dinosaur Riddles Which kind of dinosaur can jump higher than a house? Any kind! A house can't jump! What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks! What do you call Tyrannosaurus rex when it wears a cowboy hat and boots? Tyrannosaurus Tex! When can three giant dinosaurs get under an umbrella and not get wet? When it's not raining! Why don't dinosaurs ever forget? Because no one ever told them anything! What does a giant Tyrannosaurus eat? Anything he wants! What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed? Find somewhere else to sleep! How many dinosaurs can fit in an empty box? One.

what's your point!" ." "What stays in the corner. but travels around the world?" A stamp! Where do pencils come from? Pennsylvania! What rock group has four men that don't sing? Mount Rushmore! What is the capital of Washington? The W! School Riddles #1 Why did the music teacher need a ladder? To reach the high notes. he should have gotten up earlier and caught the schoolbus like everyone else!" Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? At the bottom! What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common? The same middle name Geography Riddles What has 5 eyes and is lying on the water? The Mississippi River Where do the pianists go for vacation? Florida Keys What is the smartest state? "Alabama.What did Ceasar say to Cleopatra? Toga-ether we can rule the world! Abraham Lincoln had a very hard childhood. What's the worst thing you're likely to find in the school cafeteria? The Food! Why did nose not want to go to school? He was tired of getting picked on! How do you get straight A's? By using a ruler! What did the pen say to the pencil? "So. it has four A's and one B. He had to walk 8 miles to school every day! "Well.

He said "Hi! My name is Fido Jagger. How do you know that cats are not sensitive creatures? They never cry over spilt milk. Why did the cat join the Red Cross? Because she wanted to be a first-aid kit. All he has for collateral is a black ceramic cat and I don't know what that is!" So his boss said "It's a knick knack Pattiwack give the dog a loan. I'm Mick Jagger's son. Pattiwack walked into his boss's office and said "There is a dog out here named Fido Jagger." Fido said "I have a black ceramic cat." So Mr. Pattiwack said "What do you have as collateral. but if it crawls on the ceiling your roof will collapse! Did you know that elephants never forget? What do they have to remember! What happened to Ray when he was stepped on by an elephant? He became an X-Ray! . and I need a loan. Why happened when the cat swallowed a coin? There was some money in the kitty. I Need A Loan A dog walked into a bank to see the loan officer. Why was the cat so small? Because it only ate condensed milk." Elephant Riddles #3 What is gray with 16 wheels? An elephant on roller skates! What do you get when you cross a spider & an elephant? I don't know." So Mr. Pattiwack. His old man's a Rolling Stone.Why did the kid study in the airplane? Because he wanted a higher education! How did the music teacher get locked in the classroom? His keys were inside the piano! What do elves learn in school? The elf-abet! Why did the teacher wear sunglasses? Because his class was so bright! Cat Riddles What do you get if you cross a cat with a tree? A cat-a-logue. Mr.

and an elephant only carries his trunk! Why is an elephant large. white and smooth it would be an aspirin! Why is an elephant so wrinkled? Because its too big to fit on an ironing board! Why did the twin elephants get kicked off the beach? Because they only had one pair of "trunks"! What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? Time to fix the fence! What did the natives do when they saw an elephant running down the path? They ran! What did the natives do when they saw an elephant with sunglasses on running down the path? Nothing. except for the elephant! Why don't elephants like to go swimming? Because its hard to keep their trunks up! What do you do when you're stuck in an elephant's stomach? Run around till you get pooped out! How do you make an elephant float? Add an elephant to 2 scoops of vanilla ice cream & some milk! What do you get if you cross a jaguar and an elephant? A car with a big trunk! What do you do if an elephant charges you? Pay him! Who is big and wears glass slippers? Cinderelephant! Why did the elephant eat the wierd man? Because someone said he was "nuts"! . they didn't recognize him! Why did the elephant have a lousy vacation? The airline lost his trunk! What do a grape & an elephant have in common? They're both purple. gray and wrinkled? Because if it was small.What is grey and has a trunk? An elephant on vacation! Why is a snail stronger than an elephant? A snail carries its house.

What do you give a sick pig? Oinkment! What kind of car does Mickey Mouse's wife drive? A minnie van! How did the telephones get married? In a double ring ceremony! Three Men Three men. and then shoot him with a purple elephant gun! How do you get down from an elephant? You don't. What is black and white. you get down from a duck! Riddles #5 What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly? It barked with de-light! Why do birds fly south in the winter? Because it's too far to walk. black and white. Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools. Finally the Californian threw his watch in the air. went and had a hot dog. ran down the hill and bam the watch hit the ground. came back and caught his watch. . one from California. "How did you do that?" asked the Texan. one from New York and one from Texas decided to have a competition. What do dogs eat at the cinema? Pup-corn! What's a snakes favourite subject in class? Hissssstory. While on top of the hill each man had to throw his watch in the air.How do you shoot a purple elephant? With a purple elephant gun! How do you shoot a pink elephant? You hold his trunk until he turns purple. black and white? A zebra caught in a revolving door. Then the Texan threw his watch in the air. then run down the hill and catch it before it hit the ground. ran down the hill. ran down the hill and bam the watch hit the ground. So the New Yorker threw his watch in the air. did some shopping.

After a while. They're having a great time until one string decides to go on the roundabout. the string feels really dizzy and falls off. scraping across the tarmac and making as tangled mess of one end and falling in a heap. because it's full of dates! What language do they speak in Cuba? Cubic! Why did the stupid racing driver make ten pitstops during the race? He was asking for directions! What is a myth? A female moth! Easy Riddles #2 . Riddles #2 How many balls of string would it take to reach the moon? Just one if it's long enough! What do elves do after school? Gnomework! If Ireland sank into the sea. The second string looked at him and sighed "you're not very good on that roundabout are you?" The first string looked at himself and said "I'm a frayed knot".The Californian said "My watch is 1 hour slow!" A Tale Of Two Strings Two pieces of string meet one day in the park and while one goes on the slide the other goes on the swings. what county wouldn't sink? Cork! How do we know that the Earth won't come to an end? Because it's round! What town in England makes terrible sandwiches? Oldham! What would you call theft in Bejing? A Chinese takeout! What animals are on legal documents? Seals! What are prehistoric monsters called when they sleep? Dinosnores! What is the fruitiest lesson? History.

Who's There?…. but never comes down?" A: Your age! Q: What gets bigger and bigger as you take more away from it? A: A hole! Q: How many months have 28 days? A: All of them! Q: Can you spell rotted with two letters? A: DK (decay) Q: Does your shirt have holes in it? A: "No. it's broken!" Q: Knock-knock…. a tail.Who's There?…. what place would you be in?" A: 2nd place! Q: What is the center of gravity? A: The letter 'V'! Q: What English word has three double letters in a row? A: Bookkeeper Q: "What has a head. How many T's in that? A: There are 2 T's in THAT! Q: "What goes up.Who's there?…. Q: "Knock..Annie……Annie Who?" A: "Annie thing you can do. knock…. is brown. knock…. knock….Yukon……Yukon who? A: Yukon say that again! ." Q: Knock-knock…... it's just a joke.. then how did you put it on?" Q: How can you spell cold with two letters? A: IC (icy) Q: "If you were in a race and passed the person in 2nd place.Alice……Alice who? A: Alice fair in love and war.. Q: "Knock..Q: The turtle took two chocolates to Texas to teach Thomas to tie his boots.Anita……Anita who?" A: Anita to borrow a pencil..Who's There?….Woo……Woo who?" A: "Don't get so excited.Who's there?…. knock….figs……Figs who?" A: "Figs the doorbell. and has no legs?" A: A penny! Q: "Knock.Who's There?….. I can do better." Q: "Knock.

.Who's there?…. Hawaii you?" Q: "Knock..lettuce……lettuce who?" A: Lettuce in and you'll find out! Q: Knock-knock…..Ashe……Ashe who?" A: Bless you! Q: "Knock.Tank……Tank Who?" A: You're welcome! Q: "Knock.Nobel……Nobel who?" A: "No bell.Who's there?….Leaf……Leaf who?" A: Leaf me alone! Q: "Knock.Who's there?…. knock….. Q: "Knock...Aaron……Aaron who? A: Why Aaron you opening the door? Q: "Knock.. knock…. knock….Who's There?….baa .cue! Q: How do you know when a dog has been naughty? A: It leaves a little poodle on the carpet! ..Who's There?….Amos……Amos who?" A: A mosquito bit me! Q: "Knock.Who's There?….Boo……Boo Who?" A: Well you don't have to cry about it. knock….Who's There?…. knock…....Who's there?…. knock…. knock….Hawaii……Hawaii who?" A: "I'm fine. knock….Theodore……Theodore who?" A: Theodore is stuck and it won't open! Q: Knock-knock….... knock….Who's There?….Who's There?…...Who's There?…. knock….Who's there?…..Cher……Cher who? A: Cher would be nice if you opened the door! Q: "Knock. knock…..Who……Who Who?" A: Is there an owl in there? Question and answer jokes for children #4 Q: What do monsters make with cars? A: Traffic Jam Q: Why did the pony cough? A: He was a little hoarse! Q: What do sheep do on sunny days? A: Have a baa .Orange……Orange who?" A: Orange you even going to open the door! Q: "Knock.Q: "Knock.. that's why I knocked!" Q: "Knock.Who's there?….

Right where you left him. Q. Q: How do you prevent a Summer cold? A: Catch it in the Winter! Q: What is the best day of the week to sleep? A: Snooze-day! Q: What does one star say to another star when they meet? A: Glad to meteor! Q: Why did the silly kid stand on his head? A: His feet were tired! Q: Why did the king go to the dentist? A: To get his teeth crowned! Q: What do you call a fairy who doesn't take a bath? A: Stinkerbell Q: What did the teddy bear say when he was offered dessert? A: No thanks. He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink. Q: When is a car not a car? A: When it turns into a garage.Q: Where do Aliens keep their sandwiches? A: In a Launch box Q: Why did the spaceship land outside your bedroom? A: I must have left the landing light on Q. Q. They're trying to get away from the noise. Why do bagpipers walk when they play? A. Where do you find a no legged dog? A. Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing? A. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A. A nervous wreck. I'm stuffed! Q: What did the little light bulb say to it's Mum? A: I wuv you watts and watts. Q: What tools do you need in math class? A: Multi-Pliers Q: What do you get if Batman and Robin get smashed by a steam roller? A: Flatman and ribbon. Q. .

says to her husband." The man remounts his horse and they continue their ride. the wife's horse once again lost its footing on a mossy slope. "she's my mistress. that's the last straw. On their honeymoon. "That's two!" He returns to his saddle and they move on. "That's one!" Wife Meets Mistress A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table. "Who the hell was that?" "Oh. The man dismounts.Q: How much do pirates pay for their earrings? A: a Buccaneer! Q: Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? A: He wanted to win the No-bell prize. quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed. and boldly states. and stares into its eyes. why would you do such a thing!" The man stares at his wife and firmly says. he states. "That's terrible. the wife's horse stumbles when stepping over a fallen tree. the wifes's horse mis-steps and jostles the her. Finally. As the afternoon sun began to set. stares the horse in the eyes." "Well. The wife. Moving to the front of the horse he stares it in the eyes and firmly says. "That's three." removes a pistol from his jacket. "That's one. The wife glares at her husband and says. and shoots the horse dead. the man dismounts." says the wife. walks over to the horse. That's One. "I've had enough. Once across the stream. gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss. and helps his wife out of the saddle. moves to the wife's horse. As the horses were crossing a small stream." replies the husband. The man dismounts. I want a divorce!" . A bit further down the path. they decide to go for a horse ride through the beautiful mountain passes of Europe. Q: Why did the atoms cross the road? A: It was time to split! Q: What do you do when your chair breaks? A: Call a Chairman. A man and woman were on their honeymoon after a long and very happy courtship. then says she'll see him later and walks away.

Right. I am. "but remember. dear. no more wintering in Barbados. thoughtful voice. "Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife. "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied."I can understand that. my shoulders are hunched over. My face is all wrinkled. if it weren't for marriage. a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Yes. I've got fat legs. "Well. men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. But the decision is yours. if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris. and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says. there is no better revenge than to let her keep him. Just think. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." replies her husband. At the cocktail party. "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself. I just didn't know his first name was Always. my hair is grey. there's nothing wrong with your eyesight." ." Just then." Marriage Quickies #2 I love being married." she replies. "I look in the mirror." she says. When a woman steals your husband. Say Something Positive A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. I married the wrong man. no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. no more summers in Tuscany. "You know. one woman said to another. "Ours is prettier. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself. and I see an old woman. "That's his mistress. The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it." says her husband. I married Mr." He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft.

why is the lady dressed in white?" His mom replies. breakfast is on the stove. "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life. spotless.M. you came home after 3 A. "You know. puked in the hallway. and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months . They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine. broke some furniture. why is everything in order and so clean. A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted' ." So he goes to the kitchen. My wife dresses to kill. "Well. and then says. but I was in love and didn't notice. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Darling. all clean and pressed. at a wedding looks at his mom and says.I don't like to interrupt her. Al asks. He forces himself to open his eyes. Love you. and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" ." The husband replied. what happened last night?" His son says. Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order. She cooks the same way. I left early to go shopping. drunk and delirious. "Mommy. "So. So is the rest of the house. I was a fool when I married you. Next day he received a hundred letters. His son is also at the table. and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door. He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him. dear. clean. "Yes.. "Son. "Well then. Al asks. why is the man dressed in black?" What Happened Last Night? Al wakes up at home with a huge hangover." The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.After a quarrel. and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. a wife said to her husband." Confused.' Marriage Ceremony Question A little boy. eating." The boy thinks about this.

her husband starts to feel frisky." . One day when he was putting their affairs in order. he found two doilies and $90." she explained. "What's the $90." She ignored the remark.200 in cash." Wrong Remark A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. Opening it. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it. "Oh. The wife calmly responds. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over." Bill was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice. A little later. weeding flowers from the flower bed. "Lady. and when she tried to take your pants off. "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener. "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill. "Geez. then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over. your butt really IS as wide as the grill!" She ignores this remark as well. measures her rear end and gasps. leave me alone.200 for?" he asked. I'm married'!" Doilies As a new bride. that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom. For fifty years Bill left the box alone until Jean was old and dying. the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill. Later that night while in bed. Jean moved into her new home with her new husband. "Oh. you said. that's the money I made selling the rest of the doilies. "My mother gave me that box the day we married.His son replies. So the man says to his wife. He took the box to her and asked about the contents. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you. you are sadly mistaken. he found the box again and thought it might hold something important.

We've already covered four miles!” Revitalized. “You're doing a FINE job. and the other who never forgets them.unfortunately. “we should reach the starting point any minute now. The Admiral (well into his second or third ice tea) announces to the group. When all three representatives have arrived. they wondered if the end would ever come. The only legal method of suppressing freedom of speech. A condition where no wife gets what she expected. The joining of two people. Long March Army basic trainees at Fort McClellan were required to go on a demanding 12-mile march. Marriage is not a word. “Men. A word which always means commitment . " Since it was my idea. and were pumped up for the trek. “And. feeling the heavy load of their packs. I'm first" and .” continued Sarge. An hour later.m. the knot can be a noose. They got started at 6 a.Marriage Definitions #1 An event which is called "tying the knot" . we picked up the pace. a Marine General and a Navy Admiral are all sitting around discussing who's service is better and whose troops are more brave.” our sergeant yelled. Well the other two commanders are in an uproar and each one promptly calls for his best soldier. but a sentence.” Who Is The Bravest? An Army General. the Admiral states. " My SEALS are the BEST in the world and to prove it I'll have one do the impossible" as he reaches for the phone. one who never remembers birthdays.but so does insanity. A status which depends upon two to be successful but only one to turn into a failure. and no husband expected what he was getting.

“Halt. across that sea.” “I’m sorry. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. climbing the far cliff. swim across those waters. I can’t let you through. Near the top of the cliff. The Marine General says "that was nothing". "Very nice gentlemen. thru the 4 miles of unmapped jungle. over the mountain and bring me back 2 eggs from the forest on the other side. but here's true bravery" and turning towards his BEST (an Airborne Infantryman).. tigers. He then runs back over to the Admiral and hands him the 2 unbroken eggs. where he says "No Way SIR!". he says " I want you to go down that cliff. The Army General then says. fighting off mean birds). that's BRAVERY. up the far cliff. swim across those 10 miles of shark infested waters. swimming across the sea. and turning to the Air Force Recon Marine he says " I want you to go down that cliff. and again back to the General. You’ve got to have a sticker on the windshield. he grabs the two eggs and starts back down (all the time. then the cliff. “General Brandon." The SEAL (being the highly trained soldier that he is) turned running towards the cliff.” . No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield." And with that the Air Force Recon moved-out. The General turn towards the other two (both with their jaws on the table) and says. climb up that shear cliff and return with 2 bird eggs." The Paratrooper looks at the General.turning to the SEAL.. and mean birds). who goes there?” The chauffeur. renders a proper hand salute and walks away. he heads back (all the while fighting off lions.. After performing a triple-lindy into the water. The sentry said. then move across the 4 miles of unmapped jungle and bring me back 2 eggs from the mountain on the other side of the jungle. the SEAL swam across the 10 miles (all the while beating off sharks with his bare hands) and reaching the far cliff." Sentry Duty A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. "Now gentlemen. a corporal.. unbroken of course. moving through the jungle and upon reaching the 2 eggs. bears. sharks.. Finally reaching the General. he began climbing. climb that other cliff. Traveling down the cliff. he says " I want you to go down that cliff. His orders were clear. Upon reaching the sea he swims back across (once again fighting off sharks) and climbs back up the first cliff. says. the Marine hands him the eggs.

5. Death. drive on!” The sentry walked up to the rear window and said. We will no longer accept the Medical Officer's statement as proof of illness as we believe that if you are able to go on sick parade. The third day you issued me a jock strap. however. Sickness: No excuses will be acceptable. The senior officer is Always Right. who proceeded to pull all my teeth. you'll never do enough. The instructor asked the young recruit. If you can arrange the funeral services to be held late in the afternoon. but we would like at least two weeks notice. The second day you issued me a toothbrush. Quality of Work: The minimum acceptable level is perfection." Marine Rules 1. and then proceeded to cut my hair off. 3. 4. as we feel it is your duty to teach someone else your job. Death. Leave of Absence for an Operation: We are no longer allowing this practice. A search party was dispatched immediately.The general said to the driver. you are able to come to work. and I wasn't about to stick around and find out what would follow that SIR. Quantity of Work: No matter how much you do. 8. “I’m telling you. we can let you off an hour early. . 2. "Why did you go AWOL?" The recruit replied. He was sent back to the base and promptly escorted to the drill instructor's office. Other than Your Own: This is no excuse. I’m new at this. son. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker. 6. We hired you as you are. the senior drill instructor realized that one of his recruits had gone AWOL. "My first day here you issued me a comb. Advice from the Commanding Officer: Eat a live toad first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. Do I shoot you or the driver?” AWOL Recruit As the sun rose over Parris Island. Your Own: This will be accepted as an excuse. “Drive on!” The sentry said. “Hold it! You really can’t come through. and sent me to the dentist. provided all your work is up to date.” The general repeated to the driver. “General. and to have anything removed certainly makes you less than we bargained for. 7. After a few hours the recruit was discovered hiding in some bushes.

and other regular food.m. This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. steak. He nags a lot. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: "Attack or retreat?" The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: "Yes. but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Men got to shave but it's not so bad.. I don't know why. Their food plus yours holds you 'til noon when you get fed again. We go on "route marches. bacon.. bewildered. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer that the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Refer to Rule 8. Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it.. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a." which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so. etc. succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. They don't bother you none.S. cereal. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled." A letter from a new Marine recruit to the recruit's parents back on the farm. Dear Ma and Pa: I am well. Military Computer The U. The sergeant is like a school teacher.9.. fire to lay. feed to pitch. eggs. fried eggplant. practically nothing. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: "Yes what?" Instantly the computer responded: "Yes sir. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice. ham. Hope you are too.. No hogs to slop. mash to mix. wood to split. I keep getting medals for shooting." The generals look at each other. The captain is like the school board. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. When the senior officer is Wrong. . The country is nice but awful flat. pie. but kind of weak on chops.. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. it's not my place to tell him different. potatoes.

A huge mushroom-like cloud of smoke rises into the sky. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. So he gathers some wood. send somebody to my location with $500!" The tribe recieves the signal. they break real easy. The tribe signals: "Ok. I have to be real careful though. but to make sure of it's meaning. but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry. He examines it. Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. signals back. chief. makes a fire and sends a smoke signal to his tribe: "Hey. Your loving daughter. Alice Smoke Signals An Indian chief is driving his Cadillac Escalade somewhere outside of Las Vegas Nevada. don't get so mad?" One Marine is better than ten taliban A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. Ok. Suddenly his car breaks down. The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes. You get to wrestle with them city boys. and finds that a mechanic has to be called. "One Marine is better than ten taliban". You don't even load your own cartridges. then silence. . and no credit cards. They come in boxes. chief. but why so much ?" At this moment a ground test of a nuclear bomb is being held on the test field nearby. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join up before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding on in. But the chief has only $4. I only beat him once. and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. "OK. we just wondered.The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move. He joined up the same time as me.

After about ten seconds. The voice calls out again "One Marine is better than one thousand Taliban". I say again. There's actually two of them. "Be vewy. Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship." The airwaves got strangely quiet as everyone listened. "That guy sounded just like Elmer Fudd. Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your Call A transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations. the second largest ship in the United States' Atlantic fleet. Cannon. the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander. Canadians: No.The voice then calls out "One Marine is better than one hundred taliban". the pilot broke the silence by announcing. We are hunting submawenes. Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a Collision. "Don't send any more men. I demand that YOU change your course 15 degrees north. vewy quiet. Elmer Fudd On a Navy carrier the air wing was busy with training missions. After 10 minutes of battle. I say again. divert YOUR course. After talking to a pilot. again silence." Getty Under Way . realizing that the pilot had also heard the comment. or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship. rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Your call. Furious. that's one five degrees north. We are accompanied by three destroyers. one air-traffic controller accidentally left his microphone on and remarked to a nearby buddy. its a trap. Then silence. you divert YOUR course. three cruisers and numerous support vessels. Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln. Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules . my cousin Sean. Paddy. Hussein. the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm. 14 thousand armored personnel carriers. the ship had left port and was streaming out of the channel." . The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain. Paddy?" Saddam asked.make sure the captain is aboard before getting under way. said Paddy." a heavily accented voice said. however. and my army has increased to 1 and a half million since we last spoke. "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough. The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. "Right Mr. he had the decks buzzing with men and soon." "Begorra!". He was. "Well. With a stream of crisp commands. the next day Paddy rang back. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!" "Well.A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way." Declaration Of War Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang. however. "This is indeed important news! Tell me. and he was even more surprised when he read. "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed.that makes 8!" Saddam sighed. "Hallo! Mr. Paddy. we have 2 combine harvesters. my next door neighbor Gerry. a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message." said Paddy after a moment's calculation. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my command. "I must tell you. how big is your army?" "At this moment in time. In fact. Hussein. and the entire dominoes team from the pub -. "there is myself. that I have 16 thousand tanks. In your haste." Saddam replied. Ireland." Once more Saddam sighed. "This is Paddy down in County Cavan. the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!" "And what equipment would that be.

do you have a story to share?" . Hussein. Paddy rang again the next day. "Now. But we raise chickens for the meat market. "Sure enough." "Johnny. We had a dozen eggs one time. Paddy called again the next day. 20 thousand MiG 19 attack planes." said Paddy "We've all had a chat. "Why the sudden change of heart?" "Well. I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess. "I'll have to ring you back." "That was a fine story Lucy. but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. Hussein. my army has increased to 2 million. Lucy?" "Our family are farmers too." Story With A Moral The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. don't count your chickens until they hatch. And the moral to this story is. "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. "Right Mr." "I'm sorry to hear that" said Saddam."Really?!" said Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 10 thousand bombers. then sighed. the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Ted's ultra-light with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!" Saddam was silent for a minute. and since we last spoke. and there's no way we can feed 2 million prisoners." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. Kathy said." "Faith and begorra!". The next day the kids came back and one by one they began to tell their stories. my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites. said Paddy." said the teacher. "Right Mr.

He saw a private mopping the floors. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break. and the Airman performing . and shouted: Listen. ma'am." what I really mean is "Shut up!!!" The room instantly fell silent. He slammed open the door. "No. the truck was late in arriving. Private. What you must realize. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey. but didn't have change for a dollar. my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen." said the horrified teacher. then she killed the last ten with her bare hands. "Soldier. The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. and asked him."Yes. "Sure. you all heard me say good night. a small voice could be heard from somewhere in the far back of the dark room: "Good Night. "Good heavens. you guys! A few minutes ago. is that when I say "Good Night. a machine gun and a machete. do you have change for a dollar?" The private replied. SIR!" Punishment A C-141 cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. do you have change for a dollar?" The private replied. when he heard some voices from inside. Sergeant" Change A major needed to use a pay phone. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Don't screw with Aunt Karen when she's been drinking!" Good Night A sergeant was passing the barracks after lights out. He said. "That's no way to address a superior officer! Now let's try it again. and they were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit." The major gave him an icy stare. But after a few seconds.

got lost. gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing. to the total disbelief of the Air Force. The Marines fired 178 rounds before they stopped shooting. it is 20 below zero.only this time there were two people in the plane. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas. . "Sir. and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. Just what are you going to do to punish me?" Cover Me The Marines were backing-up LAPD on a call that someone had broken into a store. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. the same Cessna showed up again. At the scene. The Marines promptly laid down a base of fire. super-secret base in Nevada. Hidden Air Force Base You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security. I'm stationed in Thule. complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison. the Airman responded. the MP's surrounded the plane. "cover" means to point your weapons in the direction of the threat.. "They're shooting at me!". to Marines it means lay down a base of fire!). By the next day. known simply as "Area 51?" Well. called 911 and reported. They gassed up his airplane.the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out.. Once again. The thief. and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. late one afternoon. probably a little scared at this point. When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment. the cop told the Marines to "cover" him as he approched the store (to police. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. and sent him on his way. told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading. I have no stripes. The day after that though.

" The officer paused. The end of the lecture was concluded with these words: "Thus you can tell that there is no possible danger because nothing can approach within 2000 yards of us without our being aware of it at once. he broadcast his call letters and asked for assistance. Climbing into his boat. They were seated in a cramped room full of green scopes and crackling radios.please keep your photo and return the others. "Do anything you want to me." "I'm on Interstate-75. had engine trouble a few miles inland from Lake Huron. He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find. There is a 300-yard deductible on that guarantee!" Giving Back A Photograph A soldier serving in Korea was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back. bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying. driving home from a fishing trip in northern Michigan with his boat in tow. "How fast were you going when you hit shore?" Deductible The ensign was instructing a group of enlisted reserves on the potential for information about an attack transport their ship was towing. Then an incredulous voice asked." Just then the towed ship bumped into the main vessel where the lecture was held and all were thrown off their feet. so he decided to use his marine radio to get help." A longer pause. "I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -. A Coast Guard officer responded. "Could you repeat that?" "I-75.The same pilot jumped out and said. He didn't have a CB radio in his car. While they were struggling to get up. but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!" Speeding A friend. two miles south of Standish. "Now you men must realize something the officer lecturing you did not tell you." . two miles south of Standish. "Please give your location. the duty radarman said.

want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated. You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. One finally ran up. eight more G. bought a horse but it dropped dead. sahr!" General: "Very good son. so what'll it be?" Soldier 1: "The tip of me head to me toes. sir! I can explain." The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G. ran 10 miles. son! As the general begins the measurement: "What! Son. Moments later. found a farm. that's 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds" Soldier 2: "The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other. and now I'm here. he asked them why they were late. I hailed a cab but it broke down. "I can't give out any medals. "Since we weren't actually at war. I hailed a cab but it broke down. panting heavily. sahr!" General: "That's a strange but fair request. however. found a farm. and now I'm here. boys. sir!" Suspicious Excuses The General went out to find that none of his G." . We'll start on the left. sir! I had a date and it ran a little late. "Sorry. go.I. where is your left pinky?" Soldier 3: "Falkland Island. three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General's office. "Sorry. Upon returning to England from the South American island. We did.s came up to the general panting.I. you see I had a date and it ran a little late. sir!" General: "Even better son.Reward A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis. that's 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds" Soldier 3: "The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinky." the General began.s were there. bought a horse but it dropped dead. ran 10 miles. I ran to the bus but missed it. I ran to the bus but missed it.I. What we've decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body.

the Arab tank put his white flag up.I." "Let me guess. The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army." said the G.. A ninth G." The general got very angry at the lack of tact and threw him out. He was. "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!" No Ears A young Marine officer was in a serious car accident. I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears. however very sensitive about his appearance. which were amputated. jogged up to the General. feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go. At the end of the interview the General asked him." "No. but the only visible permanent injury was to both of his ears. The first was an aviator. and it was a great interview. and went toward the border with the Arabs. . I hailed a cab but. he asked "How did you do it?" "Well. sir. panting heavily.I.The General eyed them." the General interrupted. One day the General was interviewing three Marines for his personal aide. it took forever to get around them. I said to the Arab soldier.. "there were so many dead horses in the road. I jumped in a tank." Three Day Pass An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass. "it broke down. I ran to the bus but missed it. he let them go. and saw an Arab tank. "Do you notice anything different about me?" The young officer answered. "Sorry.. I put my white flag up. I approached the border. too. and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed. sir! I had a date and it ran a little late. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the Marines and eventually rose to the rank of General." why yes.

He was articulate. the officer immediately called his captain. sir. Officer: The car is stolen? Navy Chief: That's right. sir. The sharp-witted Gunny replied. I stole it." Speeding Navy Chief A police officer pulls a Navy Chief over for speeding and has the following exchange: Officer: May I see your driver's license? Navy Chief Petty Officer: I don't have one. and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense . That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk. you have no ears. "Well. what an incredibly observant Gunny. it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no freaking ears." The General was very impressed and thought. The General wanted this guy. The car was quickly surrounded by police. and went ahead with the same question. looked extremely sharp and seemed to know more than the two officers combined (surprise). The General asked her the same question. "Do you notice anything different about me?" To his surprise the Gunny said. sir. and she was even better. It was suspended when I got my 5th DUI. "Do you notice anything different about me?" She replied. But come to think of it. "Well. Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?! Navy Chief: Yes. "And how do you know that I wear contacts?" The General asked. you wear contacts lenses. and he didn't mention my ears. Hearing this.The second interview was with a female Lieutenant. I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. "Yes sir. The third interview was with a Marine Gunny. Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? Navy Chief: Yes sir." The General threw her out also. Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle? Navy Chief: It's not my car.

no body." the coach asked. sir. Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it." Even More Big Air Force jokes ." "Why not. "We never made it to the beach. and I'll bet the liar said that I was speeding. Captain: I don't understand it. 'Exit. "every few miles down the interstate we saw signs that said. Navy Chief: Yeah. Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? Navy Chief: Yes. there was nothing in the glove box. The driver owned the car. too. Navy Chief: No problem. "Not good coach. Several decided to go down to Panama City Beach for fun and relaxation. Clean Restrooms The coach gave his Army football team a few days off. You have no idea how many restrooms we cleaned between West Point and Panama City." they replied. Clean Restrooms'. "car trouble?" "No. Sure enough. Captain: Whose car is this? Navy Chief: It's mine. and that there was a dead body in the trunk. officer. had a gun in the glove box. can I see your license? Navy Chief: Sure. but there's no gun in it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license." said the players. It was valid. Trunk is opened.situation: Captain: Sir. stole the car. The Coach saw the players the first day back at practice and asked about their vacation. Here it is. Here's the registration.

" says the Sergeant. 8. "Sarge. I seem to have lost my jet keys. 5. Oh sure. 24. We fly every day -. "Listen up. 16. We will be on time. I have 5000 hours total time. "Carlson. 19. 25. I thought YOU took care of that. I've got it all memorized. men. 23. I have no interest in flying for the airlines. 4. 14. 13. I've got the traffic in sight. report to the commander.I'm a member of the mile high club.O. I've got over 2000 hours in that aircraft. 22. Better go tell him and send him in to see me. All you have to do is follow the T. 15. ma'am. The Air Force doesn't work as hard as the other services. I fixed it right the first could anything be wrong? 6. 30. 3200 are actual instrument. it's clearing to VFR. I only need glasses for reading. 29. maybe even early." . I just got a telegram that Private Anderson's mother died yesterday. 17. The weather is gonna be alright. 21. No need to look that up. Pardon'll fly. 18. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. 10. Of course I know where we are. Inspector General to the base commander: We're only here to help. Don't worry about the weight and balance -. it must have failed for other reasons. Anderson. Me? I've never busted minimums. Base commander to the Inspector General: We're glad you're has wings. 12." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. 26. How Not To Give Bad news The Captain called the Sergeant in. I'm SURE the gear was down 11. doesn't it? 3. If we get a little lower I think we'll see the lights. 7. 27.we don't need recurrent training. This plane outperforms the T. 20.O. Oh by the way. by 20 percent. 9. report to Personnel to sign some papers. Lettner. I'd love to have a woman co-pilot. Your plane will be ready by 2 o'clock. Sure I can fly it -. 2. no problem. your mother died.All that turbulence spoiled my landing. 28. I've got the field in sight. It just came out of annual -. report to the mess hall for KP.1. We shipped the part yesterday.

This time be more tactful. take two steps forward. "Ok. the Captain called the Sergeant in again with. Thompson!" Even More Office Truisms When you don't know what to do. You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like. but there is always enough time to do it over. There is never enough time to do it right the first time. you will be assigned all the work. No one gets sick on Wednesdays. Sarge.. An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. Once a job is fouled up. The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong . that was a pretty cold way to inform Anderson his mother died. anything done to improve it makes it worse.until the next person quits or is fired.). "Hey." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives. next time?" "Yes." "Not so fast. sir. All vacations and holidays create problems. "Sarge. fall in and listen up. the smaller the organization. The longer the title. I just got a telegram that Private Thompson's mother died.Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. walk fast and look worried. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. GM. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing. AT&T . Success is just a matter of luck. The more pretentious a corporate name. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful. If you are good. you will get out of it. the less important the job. contrasted to IBM. except for one's own. A few months later. The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law. (For instance. If you are really good. .." "Everybody with a mother. just ask any failure." answered the Sarge. men.

“Darling. if you can't be replaced. Baker … that’s all I am to be referred to only as Mrs. Robertson. Now that we got that straight. . “Look… I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. the next thing I want to tell you is .” the new guy replied. Then quit. Don't be irreplaceable. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in. the more crap you are going to get. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. . you can't be promoted.” “Okay John. but I don’t call anyone by their first name. try again. Whoops A lady manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. People are always available for work in the past tense. She scowled. Never ask two questions in a business letter. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants. The more crap you put up with. and say nothing about the other. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office. they are never talking about themselves. It breeds Familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. nothing would get done.You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. to forgive is not company policy. “What is your name?” was the first thing she asked the new guy. Jones. If at first you don't succeed. I refer to my employees by their last name only … Smith. what is your last name?” The new guy sighed. If it wasn't for the last minute. My name is John Darling. . No use being a damn fool about it. “John. To err is human. When the bosses talk about improving productivity.

Your credit card has been charged $5. 7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. lengthwise. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. Do not put statements in the negative form. 10: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Done it all. A Committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing.99 for each additional word in your message.E-Mail Auto-Replies 1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position . 4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management 5: I will be unable to delete all the unread.' 8: Thank you for your message. You will learn a lot today. Don't bother to leave me any messages. which has been added to a queuing system. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received. 43% of all statistics are worthless. but why chance it? I don't have a solution. A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well. worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. 2: I'm not really out of the office. 3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office.99 for the first ten words and $1. You are currently in 352nd place. If a thing is worth doing. I'm just ignoring you. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. If at first you don't succeed. 11: I've run away to join a different circus. Please wait by your PC for my response. I love deadlines. Bureaucrats cut red tape. redefine success. If I was in. Please restart your computer and try sending again. Can't remember most of it. Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking? Seen it all. You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Office Truths A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer. but I do admire the problem. and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks. Hard work never killed anyone. . but as a group decide that nothing can be done. it would have been done already. 9: Hi. 6: Thank you for your email.

” “Why does the parrot cost so much?” the customer asks. On the big day. “The parrot to the left costs $500.000.” Naturally. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance.” The customer asks about the next parrot and is told. whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering. the American team became discouraged by the loss and their morale sagged. “Well. she wants her sign back!" Why does the parrot cost so much? A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot.000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.” Needless to say this begs the question. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says. Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering. “That one costs $1. “That one costs $2. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of "Executives" was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action. Who Is The Boss The boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and is told. they were as ready as they could be. The owner says. “What can IT do?” The owner replies “To be honest I’ve never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!” Performance An American automobile company and a Japanese auto company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River. The Japanese team won by a mile. Later that day when he returned from lunch. it knows how to use a computer. A practical alternative to work.It's lonely at the top but you eat better. he brought a small sign that Read: "I'm the Boss!" He then taped it to his office door. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. The next day. . MEETINGS. he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: " Your wife called. Afterwards.

The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure. After some time and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that "too many people were steering and not enough rowing." To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was changed to "4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager" and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six sigma performer. "We must give him empowerment and enrichment." That ought to do it. The next year the Japanese team won by two miles. The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives. Three Envelopes A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open one of these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said. Things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and the CEO was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor." The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press - and Wall Street - responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him. About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes." Why Bosses Are Different When you take a long time, you're slow. When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough. When you don't do it, you're lazy. When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy. When you make a mistake, you're an idiot. When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human. When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority. When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed. When your boss does it, he's being firm. When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude. When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original. When you're out of the office, you're wandering around. When your boss is out of the office, he's on business. When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick. When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill. When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview. When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked. Bosses My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory. My Boss said to me, "What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier." My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain. He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE. Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it. "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions." "We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes. Boss talking to his staff " I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decisions!" Boss to his assistant "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you." Wow Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT, "What starting salary were you thinking about?" The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but

you started it". Life At Work Is Good A young technician and his boss board a train headed through the mountains. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each because they are giving each other "looks." Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of the smack of a kiss followed by the sound of the smack of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself: "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him." The boss is setting there thinking: "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!" The young woman was sitting and thinking: "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!" The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself: "Life at work is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his boss all at the same time! Do you know who you're talking to? A Man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee. On his first day he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone, "Get me a coffee quickly!" The voice from the other side responded,"You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?" "No", replied the trainee. "It's the Managing Director of the company, you fool!" The man shouted back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?" "No.", replied the Managing Director. "Good!", replied the trainee and put down the phone! Office Terminology S-Z STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. TOURISTS: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. TREEWARE: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material. UMFRIEND: A personal relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Dylan, my ... um ... friend." UNINSTALLED: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice-mail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an Uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance. *(Syn: decruitment.)

XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace. YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after lunch, "We each owe $8, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps." Office Terminology A-O ADMINISHPERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. ALPHA GEEK: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. CHAINSAW CONSULTANT: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands. CHIPS & SALSA: Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem is in your chips or your salsa. CLM -Career Limiting Move: Used to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles. DILBERTED: To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week." FLIGHT RISK: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon. GOOD JOB: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" Job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again. IDEA HAMSTERS: People who always seem to have their idea generator running. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. Hiring Hints Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing. If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering. If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.

" . nothing much. "A small toothpaste account and a couple of discount stores. so he asks. right? What did he have?" "Oh. Computer Information Systems is their niche. "Why would you do that?" Came the answer." "Good Lord. meeny. wiser man." Gary continues. "Where has Ben Harris been hanging out? I haven't seen him for a while. Personnel is a good spot for them." "What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector. Public Relations would suit them well. send them to Marketing." The senior exec replied." This puzzles the inspector." said Gary. perhaps they're destined for the Help Desk. If they are writing up the experience. moe. "Eeny. If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks. but nothing much worth going after. "and I'd use the manual lever over there. "Then I'd dash down out of the signal box. If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs. If the room has a sweaty odor. "You're kidding me. "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box. The young exec trainee said to the older." replied the elder exec. If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests. "Because he's never seen a train crash. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box." "What if that had been struck by lightning?" "Then. Whatever Happend To Ben Two advertising executivess were having lunch and talking." Signs Your Company is Planning a Layoff CEO frequently overheard mumbling. If they don't even look up when you enter the room. send them to Consulting. If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut. "I would switch the points for one of the trains. miney." "What if that was vandalized?" "Oh well then I'd run into town and get my uncle Bill." persevered Gary." "What if the phone was engaged?" "Well in that case. assign them to Security. If they are sleeping. The inspector puts this question to him: "What would you do if you realized that 2 trains were heading for each other on the same track?" Gary says. "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there. put them into Purchasing. send them to the Technical Documents team." replied the junior man. "Haven't you heard? Ben Harris went to that great ad agency in the sky.If they are waving their arms and talking out loud. If they are talking to the chairs. they are Management material." Signalman Job Interview Gary wants a job as a signalman on the railways.

SENIOR MANAGEMENT . Sudden proliferation of teen-age geek interns.Same sign. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Guard at front desk nervously fingers his revolver whenever you pass by. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money. Employee Discount Days discontinued at Ammo Outlet. SALES . Company dental plan now consists of pliers and string More Professions 1. you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. "HEADHUNTER" . Giant yard sale in front of corporate headquarters. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action. CEO . Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in you social circle is a "Middle Manager. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat.Dr. you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living." Windows shutdown screen reads. PARTNER.Catty. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism.You are brilliant or lucky. cheery. Government workers are genius inventors.Laziest of all signs. positive. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college. you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture. MARKETING . CONSULTANT . As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service. different title) 3. Least compatible with Sales." 2.Paid to take days off. often referred to as "marketing without a degree. 5.Bright. you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life.(See above . your best bet is to sleep with your manager." Continually passed over for promotions. yet completely spineless." Company softball team downsized to chess team. CUSTOMER SERVICE ." You seek admiration for . 4. concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now." You are also selfcentered and paranoid. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job. 9. cut-throat.As a "person" that profits from the success of others. like the invention of new Holidays. 7. your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.Lacking any specific knowledge. 6. Your boss keeps asking you when he can "show your cubicle. Annual company holiday bash moved from Sheraton banquet room to abandoned Fotomat Booth. 8. PRESIDENT. RECRUITER. MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT . you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. GOVERNMENT WORKER .You are ambitious yet stupid. Kervorkian hired as "Transition Consultant. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter. "It is Now Safe to Start Looking for Work." Company president now driving a Hyundai.

" "Thanks. 13. the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane. Therefore. I will initiate . it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. ACCOUNTING . Despite [Name of the Company]'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants. 11.Ironically." says Carlson "I knew I could count on you!" Asprin One day a man tried to get a job at a great company. you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. he reaches into his pocket and pulls condom after condom out until he finds the Aspirin. ENGINEERING . After careful consideration. "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow." "We're short-handed. moving and hauling stuff.your golf game throughout your life. 10. You can be happy with yourself. we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome. I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. the CEO told him that his constant blinking would bother customers. I'll just take some and I'll be better in a second" So. "I can't give you the day off." he says. Carlson" the boss replies. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing. With such a varied and promising field of candidates. You are mostly immune from office politics. Wife Needs Help Carlson goes to see his supervisor in the front office. boss. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.Unable to control anything in your personal life.One of only two signs that actually studied in school. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. given your access to confidential information. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. He takes it and his blinking goes away. I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment at this time. "I can fix that with some Aspirin. you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. However. "Boss. The CEO says "We don't approve of womanizing!" The guy says "Oh! No! Have you ever tried to ask a pharmacist for aspirin while your winking" Rejection Letter The next time you get a rejection letter from a hoped-for employer. your office is full of all the latest "ergo dynamic" gadgets. just send them the following: To Whom It May Concern: Thank you for your letter of [date of the rejection letter]. HUMAN RESOURCES ." 12. have lunch AND then mail a letter. combined with your extreme organizational traits. you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut.The only other sign that studied in school. TECHNOLOGY . You are the most feared person in the organization. He passed every test with flying colours. and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage. At the final interview part.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 7. Are you coming on to me or having a seizure? 10.Old bankers never die. books or supplies. Ten Things You Wish You Could Say At Work 1. 5. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it to me.Old accountants never die.Old architects never die. If my arms are full of papers. I look forward to working with you. I just don't give a hoot.Old basketball players never die. I can see your point. 2. they just drop apart. they just lose their balance. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. Leaks like that could get me a promotion." run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. don't tell me which is the priority. 5. 6. tell everyone. 8. . 10. You are validating my inherent mistrust of co-workers.employment with your firm immediately. The challenge of a deadline is always refreshing. Never give me work in the morning. Sincerely.Old bosses never die. That greatly aids my efficiency.Old beekeepers never die. Old occupation What happens when people of different occupations get old. How about "never?" Is "never" good for you? 4. they just lose their structures. If you have special instructions for a job. 9. don't write them down.Old bookkeepers never die. 6. 12. Let me guess. 9. . If you don't like my work. . they just bow and quiver.Old actors never die. If fact. 3. 3. If it's really a "rush job.Old archers never die. 8. I might need to learn how to function as a paraplegic in future and opening doors is good training. I see the mess-up fairy has visited us again. . my shrewd deductions will identify them. . Best of luck in rejecting future candidates. . It sounds like English. they just go on dribbling. 7. boxes. If a job I do pleases you. they just lose their figures. keep it a secret. I like my name to be popular in conversations. they just lose interest. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are. but I still think you're full of crap. much as you want them to. Do your best to keep me late. . don't open the door for me. . [Your Name] Twelve Things You'll Never Hear An Employee Tell the Boss 1. 11. 4. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. but I can't understand a word you're saying. . save them until the job is almost done.Old cashiers never die. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. Ahhh. When you refer to them later. they just buzz off. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. . Never introduce me to the people you're with. . they just check out. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life. I have plenty of talent and vision. 2. If you give me more than one job to do.

.Old milkmaids never die. . . they just go under.Old sculptors never die. they just lose their appeal. they just get disarrayed. . they just lose their vision. . they just become incoherent.Old chauffeurs never die. ... they just cop out. .Old seers never die. . and on. they just go to a higher plane. they just go to pot.Old doctors never die.Old tanners never die. they just lose their drive. . they just ramble on.Old knights in chain mail never die.Old laser physicists never die.Old ministers never die.Old programming wizards never die. they just lose their marbles. they just go to seed.Old owls never die.Old photographers never die. .Old daredevils never die. they just kick the bucket. .Old typists never die. they just stop developing. and on. they just recurse.Old number theorists never die. they just pass away.Old garagemen never die. . they just lose their bearings. they just lose contact. . they just get disgorged.Old farmers never die. they just disintegrate. they just lose their grippe. .Old hackers never die.Old mathematicians never die. they just shuffle off their metal coils.Old numerical analysts never die.Old limbo dancers never die. . . they just get past their prime. .Old sewage workers never die. . . they just branch to a new address.Old musicians never die.Old steelmakers never die. they just lose their temper. . Young ones do. they just roll over. .Old programmers never die. they just lose their whey.Old students never die. they just retire. they just get discouraged.. . .Old horticulturists never die.Old investors never die. .Old policemen never die. they just waste away. . they just lose their faculties. ..Old preachers never die. .Old quarterbacks never die. . . they just go into hiding.Walt Disney didn't die.. they just go to peaces.Old cleaning people never die. .Old cooks never die. they just fail to react. they just don't give a hoot. .. they just get played out. they just cache in their chips. they just lose their patience. . they just get a little dingy.Old lawyers never die.Old deans never die. they're just not the type. .Old perfessers never die. they just get de-pressed.Old printers never die. . they just smell that way. . .Old pacifists never die. .Old hardware engineers never die. .Old white water rafters never die. they just go to bits. .Old hypochondriacs never die.Old skateboarders never die. they just get put out to pastor. He's in suspended animation. .Old chemists never die.Old sailors never die. and on. .Old journalists never die. . they just lose their class. .Old schools never die. . they just lose their principals. . they just get deranged. . . . they just get degraded.Old Soldiers never die. . .Old electricians never die.Old pilots never die.Old hippies never die. . they just lose their justification.

Everyday at lunch they would sit at the top of a very tall building to eat. next morning. After the line manager screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is. too!" Surely enough the Mexican got burritos.he made his own!" Tickle Me Elmo A woman looking desperately for work goes to the toy plant where they make Elmo dolls. The woman replies that she really needs work and will take almost anything. The Personnel Manager thinks about it and then says that he does have one job that requires very low level skills -. She replied. "I should have listened to him. Both managers watch as she cuts out a small swatch of the material. one Chinese. there's a knock on the Personnel Manager's door. Lunch Problem There were three construction workers. he pulls himself together and walks over to his newest employee. I didn't think he would actually do it!" And the Scandanavian's wife was sitting there confused. The next day at 8:45. as far as the eye can see. they just lose their grip. Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired. At the funeral. The woman is thrilled at the opportunity and happily accepts the job. One day. The Personnel Manager goes over her resume and tells her that he regrets that he has nothing worthy of her background that he might offer her. The Personnel Manager starts to kill himself laughing. The Tickle Me Elmo line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired.m.on the Tickle Me Elmo production line. too!" The Scandanavian said: "If I get one more PB&J sandwich I'm gonna jump off this building. "I'm sorry. "I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. one Mexican and one Scandanavian. I didn't make his lunch. She replies that she thinks can handle the job." he says to her. Together they head down to the line and. takes two marbles and begins sewing them between Elmo's legs. after about 20 minutes of rolling around in hysterics. What I wanted you to do was give each Elmo . "I'm confused.. sure enough. and agrees to report for work at 8:00 a. The other widows came over and asked her why she wasn't crying... the Personnel Manager suggests that the line man show him the problem. Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come.Old wrestlers never die. She has pulled over a roll of material used for Elmo's furry exterior and she has a big bag of marbles at her side. the Mexican said: "If my wife makes me one more burrito I'm gonna jump off this building!" The Chinese man said: "If my wife makes me one more egg roll I'm gonna jump off this building. the Chinese widow and the Mexican widow were huddled together saying. the Chinese got egg rolls and the Scandanavian got PB&J. and finally. Then the manager takes her down to the assembly line and explains her duties to her.

a young man in a Brioni suit. On your way home after work. lock your doors. turns round to our shepherd and says: "you have here exactly 1586 sheep!" "This is correct. Ray Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie leaned out of the window and asked our shepherd: "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock. draw the drapes. He watches the young man make a selection and bundle it in his Cherokee. As agreed." says the yuppie. surfs to a NASA page on the Internet where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system. why not" answers the young man. stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. Gucci shoes. such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. then at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers "sure!" The yuppie parks the car. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by Q-TIP. Be very sure that you get this brand. "You are a consultant. "This is correct. will you give me one?" The shepherd looks at the yuppie. opens up a database and some 60 Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas. will you give me my sheep back?" "Okay." says the shepherd. And you don't know anything about my business because you took my dog. "How did you guess that?" "Easy" answers the shepherd. whips out his notebook. "You turn up here although nobody called you. connects it to a cell-phone. You want to be paid for the answer to a question I already knew the solution to. " I am so glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-Tip Company.two test tickles. The driver." Now close your eyes and say out loud five times." A contest was held in which readers were asked to come up with excuses to miss a day of work . Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that "every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested. Then he says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is. Feel Better About Your Job When you have had one of those "take this job and shove it" days. Finally he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech miniaturized printer." Counting Sheep A shepherd was herding his flocks in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new Jeep Cherokee advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. Change to very comfortable clothing. scans the area. you can take one of the sheep. When you get home. Open the package containing the thermometer and remove the thermometer and carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. try this. and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy." says the shepherd.

I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. I can't get off the john. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss. who fired me for not showing up for work. reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I just found out that I was switched at birth. no.. could I help you? No. I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled. I will be in late. I write: "A very good doctor. My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it. OK? The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. how about them Hoyas. The dog ate my car keys. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Wal-Mart. I won't be coming in to work. I won't be able to. or early." After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there . hey. The voices told me to clean all the guns today. Yes. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy. Accordingly. I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates. huh? So. yes. More Workplace One Liners A computer does save time at work. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation. but I feel good about it. I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and. but I know we have that deadline to meet. When I got up this morning. but thank you for calling. I can play solitaire without having to spend all that time shuffling real cards.. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb. I'll be sticking with Sprint. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday. We're going to hitchhike to the vet. and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop. When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency. I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.If it is all the same to you. Legally.

Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. Unfortunately. The workers at the Federal Mint went on strike today. Figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme. but any way I sliced it. the more your tardiness or absence is noticed." "Incredible!" exclaimed the man. They are demanding to make less money! One Liners Law of Employment: When leaving work late. The salesman stared at the animal. but I didn't have any patients. but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income. but the work was just too draining. The less important you are to the corporation. Murphy's Law: Office equipment that has broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives. The dog looked up and said. but I just wasn't suited for it. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? Please Don't Tell The Boss A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. there's a decimal point involved. This is just part of my job. I tried but I just didn't fit in.was no future in it. so they gave me the axe. I tried to be a tailor. wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. I used to work in a shoe factory. you will meet the boss in the parking lot. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company. I once worked as a lumberjack. I became a professional fisherman. "I can't believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!" . I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting. but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind. "Don't be surprised. but they said I wasn't fit for the job. Mainly because it was a sew-sew job. I got a job in a work-out-center. you will go unnoticed. My last job was working at a coffee shop. I studied a long time to become a doctor. I tried to be a chef. I earn a seven-figure salary. but I just couldn't hack it. When you leave work early. I attempted to be a deli worker. I couldn't cut the mustard.

" The owner pulls out his wallet. "Please don't tell him! If that man finds out I can talk. GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS: Management communicates. The owner walks up to the young man and says. PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos."No. our call for resumes is just a legal formality. make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night. CAREER-MINDED: Female employees must be childless (and remain that way). APPLY IN PERSON: If you're old. JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you. how much do you make a day?" The guy replies. it looks like work to the casual observer. CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don't pay you enough to expect that you'll dress nicely. thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do. he'll make me answer the phone as well!" Goofing Off A business owner decides to take a tour around his business and see how things are going. you listen. MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day. Above all. A few minutes later. NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE: We've filled the job. SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You'll need it to replace the three people who just left. *** Use computers to look busy. figure out what they want and do it. . People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. "Have you seen that UPS driver?? I asked him to wait here for me!" Corporate Terminology COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors." pleaded the dog. DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone in the office can boss you around. the shipping clerk asks the owner. You can send and receive personal e-mail. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. and tells him to get out and never come back. Any time you use a computer. MUST BE FLEXIBLE: On many occasions. People with the newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the bathroom. gives him $150. fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled. How To Succed In Business Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. "Son. without the pay or respect. calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no quality control. no. REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS: You'll have the responsibilities of a manager. you'll be asked to bend over and grab your ankles. He goes down to the shipping docks and sees a young man leaning against the wall doing nothing. "150 dollars. SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend.

Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. I took care of it. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says. bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives. you're a self-starter. If that takes too long.000." "Excuse me?" the young accountant said. this mailbox is full"--a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work. *** Messy desk. you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. "I need someone with an accounting degree. That will make your boss scurry away like a frightened salamander. Worrying Fresh out of business school. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. For the rest of us." the young accountant said. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. it's volume that counts. "And how much does the job pay?" "I will start you at $85. That way.they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. Screen all your calls through voice mail. this will greatly increase the odds that they will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there." If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold. *** Voice mail. When you get caught by your boss--and you will get caught--your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use the new software.These aren't exactly the societal benefits that everybody from the computer revolution expected but they're not bad either. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is "Ignore my last message." "I see. "I worry about a lot of things. the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle. respond during lunch hour. Offer to show your boss what you learned. That's the way to live." the man said. "Sorry. send yourself a few messages." . last year's work looks the same as today's work." the man said. You're not a loafer. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. "But mainly. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing-. it looks like you're not working hard enough. Top management can get away with a clean desk. I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me. To the observer. thus saving valuable training dollars. make sure you reach that limit frequently.

20. 31. Got a full 6-pack. light bends around him. 22. He set low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. 30. "is your first worry. 23.and in conclusion. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge. 13. 4. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests. Fell out of the family tree. Sales Assistant 2 . he'd have to be watered twice a week."Eighty-five thousand dollars!" the young accountant exclaimed. A gross ignoramus . and the sooner he starts. A room temperature IQ. 5.. Has two brains: one is lost. When she opens her mouth. 8. but only out of morbid curiosity. 24. This associate is not so much of a has-been." Dictation Resolving to surprise her husband. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it. A prime candidate for natural de-selection. this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. Without hesitating. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard was not looking. he only gargled. 28. 15. I would not allow this employee to breed. This young lady has delusions of adequacy. 18.000. 27. 29. If he were anymore stupid. 32. 2. 19. 25. If brains were taxed.000 other sperm." the owner said. she would get a refund. but the hamster is dead. 9. This employee should go far. it seems it is only to change whatever foot was previously there. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle. 16. 12. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on. If you stand close enough to him." Job Evaluations 1.144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. but the train isn't coming. 6. but lacks the plastic thing to hold it together. 14. 21. On neuron short of a synapse. but more definitely a won't be. 10. an executive's wife stopped by his office. shortage or no shortage. It is hard to believe he beat out 1. I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?" "That. His men would follow him anywhere. 11. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. Wheel is turning. the other one is out looking for it. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. 7. 17. He's so dense. the better. 26. 33. Bright as Alaska in December. he dictated. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. gentlemen. If you give him a penny for his thoughts. ". She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap. Since my last report. 34. 3. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. Gates are down. you will get change. lights are flashing.. you can hear the ocean.

Man: I'd like to buy a pack of Tampax. I'll take one. then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Soon. "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day." "Well. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held. "You see?" he said. "When you applied for this job. so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser. On his first day. After the customer left. "Well. New Hire Several weeks after a young man had been hired. the sales manager turned to the assistant. "How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.'" Sales Assistant A new sales assistant was hired at a large department store. You'll also need a lawn mower to cut the grass when it starts growing too long. Then I sold him a small fishing line.000 dollars. The sales manager stepped in." the young man replied. you told us you had five years experience. he was called into the personnel director's office. "that's the way to make a good sale." blurted the boss. At the end of his first day on the job his boss fronted up and asked. a man strolled in. the assistant headed off for the pharmaceutical section. Sales manager: Excuse me. "Only one. Customer : I'll take one of those too. please. How much was the sale worth?" "100. a medium one and a huge big one. Sales manager: Here's a couple of bags. but will you be needing a hose to water your lawn? Customer : I guess so. Sales manager: And how about some fertilizer and weed-killer? Customer : Um. I said he would probably need a boat. the sales manager took him around to show him the ropes.A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. you may as well go fishing." said the young man. so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?" "No. "What is the meaning of this?" the director asked." answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him. Always sell more than what the customer originally came in for." The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment." said the young salesman. "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination." Impressed. where he was to work. your weekend's shot anyway." ." said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook. okay. They were passing by the gardening section. so you might as well mow the lawn. Sales assistant: Sure. and would you like to buy a lawn mower too? Man: Why would I want to do that? Sales assistant: Well. "How many sales did you make today?" "One. 'Your weekend's shot. when they heard a customer asking for grass seed.

It was fantastic. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. and it really helped. you should try it too!". Thank you. he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk. Wishing to appear the hot shot. Very Busy A young businessman had just started his own firm. "Boss". Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities. "But where were you yesterday?" Cure For Stress An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk. answers the employee. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor. we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time. he said. Management Attached: Extended Job-Code List Code and Explanation: 5316 Useless Meeting . Sitting there. "Can I help you?" The man said. "The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine" said the boss. Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter." Identifying wasted time TO: ALL PERSONNEL FROM: MANAGEMENT It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). "I see you followed my advice". totally stressed out. and the computer is running at full speed. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. I've come to activate your phone lines. "It was great! By the way I didn't know you had such a nice house!". "I did". He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. However. "Yeah. he saw a man come in to the outer office. He gives him the advice: "I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself pampered by my wife. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. when the manager arrives at his department.Late For Work Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Two weeks later. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. The faxes are piling up.

) 6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself 6211 Updating Resume 6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter 6213 Out of Office on Interview 6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching 6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job 6223 Pretending You Like Coworker 6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks 6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing 6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl 6601 Running your own Business on Company Time 6602 Complaining 6603 Writing a Book on Company Time 6611 Staring Into Space 6612 Staring At Computer Screen 6615 Transcendental Meditation 7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes) 7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone 7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone . wedding. etc. vacation.5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting 5319 Waiting for Break 5320 Waiting for Lunch 5321 Waiting for the End of your work day 5322 Gossiping with coworkers 5323 Gossiping about coworkers 5481 Buying Snack 5482 Eating Snack 5500 Filling Out Timesheet 5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries 5502 Waiting for Something to Happen 5503 Scratching Yourself 5504 Sleeping 5510 Feeling Bored 5600 Complaining About Lousy Job 5601 Complaining About Low Pay 5602 Complaining About Long Hours 5603 Complaining About coworkers 5604 Complaining About Boss 5605 Complaining About Personal Problems 5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining 5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu 6102 Ordering Out Meals or Snacks 6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive 6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food 6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit 6201 Stealing Company Goods 6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods 6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls 6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen Company Goods 6205 Hiding from Boss 6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g.

"What are you doing out here at 2 A. was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule. . However. Not wanting to wake his wife.7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone 7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone 7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone 7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone 7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone 7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone 7425 Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone 7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity 8000 Recreational Drug Use 8001 Non-recreational Drug Use 8002 Liquid Lunch 8100 Reading personal e-mails Going To A Lecture The man was in no shape to drive.. he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. "Get well quick. "I'm going to a lecture. the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. he was stopped by a policeman.?" said the officer. "My wife.. though scheduled for all-night duty at the station. so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. Get well quick A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. at 2 in the morning." Don't I Know You A police officer. Written in large black letters was the sentence. Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape. from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week. he undressed in the dark. the kind that doesn't come off easily." said the man. As he was walking unsteadily along..M." the man said.. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about. "And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked. crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.

but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want. his wife sleepily sat up and said. the steering wheel. before the police investigation could start. even the accelerator!" he cried out. so?" said the officer." "No sir. the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line. right?" "Yeah. honey. At least you know someone who can post your bail. dearest. huh?" "Warning! You want a warning? O. We used to have quotas. "Say." "I'm glad to hear the chief of police is a good..aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick. "I got in the back seat by mistake.Just then. you don't know how fast you were going." "Certainly. we don't have quotas anymore. "Never mind." said the druggist." he said. he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.K. would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache. "I know you . I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket. and feeling his way across the dark room. I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket. the brake pedal." he said with a hiccup. "They've stolen the dashboard." . the pharmacist looked up in surprise." Police Comebacks "So. As he arrived. However. personal friend of yours. "Mike. "Well. why are you all dressed up like a Fireman?" All Gone A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.

but I don't think it will help. Teacher Questions and Student Answers Are you in the top half of your class? No. The officer yesterday only gave me a warning too! Do you know why you pulled me over? Good. officer! That's terrific. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile. are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with your gun when you were little? Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to the . Oh. So. When you smack the crap outta me.44 magnum in my glove compartment. I'm one of the students who make the top half possible! The picture of the horse is good."Yes sir. at least one of us does. make sure you smile pretty for the video. did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?" "The handcuffs are tight because they're new." Don't Say This #2 Gee. you can talk to the shift supervisor. but where is the wagon? The horse will draw it! Why are you picking your nose in class? My mother won't let me do it at home! Why are you reading the last pages of your history book first? I want to know how it ends! What can we do to stop polluting our waters? Stop taking baths? Can't you retain anything in your head overnight? Of course. I've had this cold in my head for two days! Teacher: Can anyone give me the name of a liquid that won't freeze ? Pupil: Hot water ! .

Torn jeans and shorts aren't staples in your wardrobe. . You keep more food than beer in the fridge. Teacher: and what is "don't" short for Pupil: Doughnut ! Teacher: In 1940. what were the Poles doing in Russia ? Pupil: Holding up the telegraph lines ! Teacher: Why are you standing on your head ? Pupil: I'm just turning over things in my mind. 5. You have to file for your own taxes. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7. 8:00a.Teacher: Does anyone know which month has 28 days ? Pupil: All of them ! Why was the head teacher worried ? Because there were so many rulers in the school ! Teacher: I told you to stand at the end of the line ? Pupil: I tried. Your salary is less than you used to pay for tuition. what are you taking for it ? Pupil: I don't know teacher. 2. 7. 8. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year. What will you give me ? You Know You've Finished College When 1. the cow ate all the grass ! Teacher: What is "can't" short for ? Pupil: Can not miss. You have to pay your own credit card bill. 3.m. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal. Your potted plants stay alive. 6. 10. 9. is not early. sir ! Teacher: That's quite a cough you have there. but there was someone already there ! Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you've only drawn the cow ? Pupil: Yes. 4.

"Seven dollars and sixty-four cents.83 each "How much does that come to?" asked Larry. 1863.that's our arithmetic lesson for tomorrow. "Who said 'Government of the people." The teacher snapped at the class." "Who said that?" she demanded. You refer to college students as kids." said the boy. The teacher greeted the class and said.11. "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. knows more about it than you do. "Twenty-two dollars and thirty-six cents. Who said "Give me Liberty. "Now. "I don't want to buy the items. and I needed some help with it." As she turned to write something on the blackboard." "If I gave you three ten dollar bills. 12. Math Problem Solving Young Larry stopped by the corner grocery store and read the following list to the clerk: 10 pounds sugar at $1.." said the teacher. "Patrick Henry. Larry said. no response except from Toshiba: "Abraham Lincoln. by the people. except for that of Toshiba. 1775.." stated the clerk who appeared to be irritated by all the questions. how much change would I get?" said the boy. "You should be ashamed. Your parents start making casual remarks about grandchildren.25 a pound 4 pounds coffee at $1." History Questions It was the first day of school and a new student. entered the fourth grade. the son of a Japanese businessman. who had his hand up. or give me death?" She saw only a sea of blank faces.50 a pound 2 pounds butter at $1. . who is new to our country. as he disappeared through the door. Toshiba. for the people shall not perish from the earth?" Again.10 a pound 2 bars soap at $. she heard a loud whisper: "Lousy Japanese.

"Where did you get such a nice bike?" The second nerd replied. the clothes probably wouldn't have fit.. "I would do anything to pass this exam. "Would you.I would do. Take What You Want A nerd was walking on campus one day when his friend. ".." Internet Reseach Friend: "How's your history paper coming?" Student: "Well. closes his door. yesterday I was walking along minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike." she whispers." His voice softens. "I mean. "Lee" . rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle. another nerd. "Take what you want!'" The second nerd nodded approvingly." She leans closer to him. She glances down the hall. flips back her hair.. Friend: "Really?" Student: "Yes! I've already located 17 people who sell history papers!" Anything To Pass A student comes to a young professor's office hours..." His voice turns to a whisper.. "Well." He returns her gaze. gazes meaningfully into his eyes. The first nerd was stunned and asked. took off all her clothes and said. "Good choice. my history professor suggested that I use the internet for research." he said. and it's been very helpful.anything. "Anything??" "Absolutely anything.. "Anything?" "Anything. She threw the bike to the ground.. 1982. kneels pleadingly.Toshiba put his hand up.

32. If you have ever had to justify yourself for buying Natural Light. even though it tastes terrible. If your social life consists of a date with the library 20. because he was broke. 15. If you have built up a tolerence for beverages (he he he) 7. If you have ever seen two consectutive sunrises without sleeping. 28. If you wake up 10 minutes before class 17. If your room is so cold that your toilet freezes over 6. 25. 30. If you cannot remember when you last washed your car. 23. you might be a college student. If your midnight snack is microwave popcorn 4. If you wear the same jeans 13 days in a row -. If you haven't done laundry in so long you are wearing your swim suit to class 3. If you wear a sweat suit for so long that it stands up by itself 8. If your breakfast consists of a coke on the way to class 19. If you get more sleep in class than in your room 9. 31. If your glass set is composed of McDonald's Extra Value Meal Plastic Cups (ie.You might be a college student if #3 1. If your underwear supply dictates the time between laundry loads. If your idea of "doing your hair" is putting on a baseball cap 21. If you celebrate when you find a quarter 5. 24. If you have ever price shopped for Top Ramen. 29. If you have a fine collection of domestic beer bottles. If you live in an area that is smaller than most mobile homes.Olympic Dream Team I or II). If you consider Mac and Cheese a balanced meal. If you are personally keeping the local pizza place from bankruptcy 16. If you live in a house with three couches. If you eat at the cafeteria because it's "free". Extra Money A student called up his Mom one evening from his college and asked her for some money. If you carry less than a dollar on you at all times because that's all you have 2. If you have ever written a check for 45 cents. 11. 27. If your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some Ramen Noodles 10. If you go to Wal-Mart more than 3 times a week 14. If your trash is overflowing and your bank account isn't 13. If you average less than 3 hours of sleep a night. 12. none of which match. . If it takes a shovel to find the floor of your room 22. 26. If you can pack your worldly possesions into the back of a pick-up (one trip).without washing them 18.

Of course. Teachers deserve a lot of credit. the same student spoke up again. Everyone should get at least a high school education--even if they already know everything. I wrote two checks. "Sure.000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 15!" Saving Lives One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book.000. if we paid them more. "Are you going crazy???" "Don't worry hon. Dad asked." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture." responded the kid.His Mother said. kissed Dad on the on top of his head. School is very important. Of course. A few minutes later. Do you want me to send that up too?" "Uhh. When she gets back. Back-to-school sales get me all excited." replied the professor. but I put the $1. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask. dedication." "That's $1020!!!" yelled Dad. and the other for $1. School is where you always try to do your best-except when your friends are watching." Mom said. one for $20. and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. I went to a tough high school. To be a first-grade teacher you have to have skill. So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package.K. "It keeps the ignoramuses like you out of medical school. School One Liners #2 Today in English we learned absolutely nothing about killing mockingbirds. "So how does physics save lives?" he persisted. O. In biology we used to dissect custodians. sweetie. I will send you some money. . they wouldn’t need it. "Why do we have to learn this pointless information" "To save lives. kissed Dad goodbye. oh yeah. "Well how much did you give the boy this time?" "Oh. You also left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. You know our education system has problems when Hallmark comes out with a new line of "Easy-toread" graduation cards. pretty much any sale gets me all excited. and an immunity to knock-knock jokes.

But even the worms won't eat the Salisbury steak. there was no argument. "Well. pull all his hair out and yell. "I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student. but the teacher sent her to the office for violating dress code. math always was a little hard to swallow. I have pills for art history.. needing some learning. you know. and world history.. "Wait just a moment. “ABACADABA!! ABACADABA!!!!” The school board decided to remove speech and debate from the course schedule. Someone died of a brain aneurism today while taking a standardized test. The pharmacist replied.My kids have everything they need to go back to school—except the right attitude. The best part of going back to school is seeing all your friends. "Well." Today they call it "cease fire. goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. Then the student asks. We used to call it "recess. School is just an elaborate plot by vampires to obtain the blood of teenagers through periodic blooddrives. biology. Fifth graders in Texas are using worms to recycle garbage from school lunches. A student. The last thing anyone saw him do was stand up." and goes back into the storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter. Today in Art class we were going to paint a nude model. The pharmacist says. "Here's a pill for English literature." Biology Exam . Our school is very low-budgeted. I’m failing geometry because I refuse to believe that pie are squared. and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects. The student asks for these. Learning Pills An advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature! "What else do you have?" asks the student." College would be great if it weren't for all the classes. "Do you have a pill for math?" The pharmacist says. The worst part is that your teachers won’t let you talk to them." replies the pharmacist. our physics book is so out of date the last chapter deals with combustion.

then said freezingly. 8 minutes in the bathroom. "A double negative forms a positive. and define the conditions. right. would you please name the organ of the human body. Smith. "Miss Anderson." Linguistics A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. Smith called on Miss Jones and asked the same question. 10 minutes getting a snack. expands to six times its normal size. Smith. I don't think that is a proper question to ask me." Miss Anderson gasped. a double negative is still a negative. 7 minutes checking and answering e:mails. . In some languages. the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college. And three. Miss Anderson. 10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment." With that she sat down red-faced. such as Russian. 23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like students. Mr. in dim light. "In English. which under the appropriate conditions. Here is how most high school students spend those 90 minutes. "The pupil of the eye. there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative. with composure.Mr. Smith. I assure you my parents will hear of this. One. you have not studied your lesson." "Correct. I have three things to say to you." Homework Schedule Homework usually takes about 90 minutes. Miss Jones." said Mr. 15 minutes searching for assignment while reading your text messages. "And now. though. you have a dirty mind. said during class." A voice from the back of the room piped up. Unperturbed. "Mr. However. replied. "Yeah." he said. Two. you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment. 6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment. 11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment.

"Well." He continued. "For 5 points.Warning Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground. As each sat down.. both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything. when I was a child. they decided to tell the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study. Then. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. That evening. you can't say you weren't warned. "Bobby. "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. each boy was told to go to separate classrooms to take the exam. they read the first question. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." At this point. The professor told them that they could have another day to study. Are there any questions?" At this point." Season Pass On the first day of college. they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake. and answered the question with ease. Each shrugged and went to two different parts of the building. Ms. I was told if that I made ugly faces. Smiling sweetly. and the male dormitory to the female students. Arriving to class the next morning. it would freeze and I would stay like that. the Sunday School teacher said. they decided to party instead.. the Dean addressed the students. tell me which tire it was. the test continued. "For 95 points." Flat Tire Two university students had a week of exams coming up. So. Ms Smith. explain the contents of an atom." Bobby looked up and replied. However. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?" . when they went to the exam. pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students.

" Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars return to class. "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks. shook it and said. held it up and said. "No. Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift She held it up. What is it?" The boy replied. all the children brought presents for their teacher. "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks. "How much will it cost?" .it's a box of candy!" "That's right!" shouted the little girl. The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.'s some flowers!" "That's right!" shouted the little boy. "Is it champagne?" she asked. The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. "I bet I know what it is . "A puppy!" Post Graduate Questions The graduate with a Science degree asks. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it." the boy answered. She shook it." Presents For The Teacher On the last day of kindergarten. the teacher said.Move Your Cars Please It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. "I bet I know what it is . "I give up." the boy answered.

Theresa informed the teacher. Becky.." From somewhere in the back of the room. and it shall be yours for life. Becky. Becky. but my daddy says if I don't get better grades. "Becky. He dragged the boy to the next room and stood him in the corner." Good Grades The young boy wasn't getting good grades in school. may we have our teacher back?" ." Theresa replied.The graduate with a Philosophy degree asks. Angrily. "Do you want fries with that?" Following Person A teacher was sitting at her desk grading papers. "A what?" the teacher asked. the chairman of the Board Of Education became provoked at the noise the unruly students were making in the next room. Becky. he opened the door and grabbed one of the taller boys who seemed to be doing most of the talking. Becky. "John has to go to the principal's office. sir. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. came a small male voice chanting. when her first grade class came back from lunch. Becky. A few minutes later. Becky." Country School While visiting a country school. Becky. the teacher told her young charges." the teacher mused. Becky. "Please. somebody is going to get a spanking." Ten Times Stressing the importance of a good vocabulary. "Because he's a following person. a small boy stuck his head in the room and pleaded."I don't want to scare you." "I wonder why.. "It came over the loudspeaker: 'The following persons are to go to the office'. "Use a word ten times. He tapped her on the shoulder and said .

2. When we echoed back to him. you can blow off studying by writing lists like this. it's much more time-consuming to run between classes to that place where you know he/she will be in order to "just happen to bump into him/her. College men are cuter than high school boys. it's much more difficult to figure out the course schedule of the man/woman you have a crush on. . In college. In college. you don't need a note from your parents saying you were skip. In college. In college." He explained. when you miss a class (or two or three)." 3. When they put their feet up on the desks and keep texting. they're Freshmen.. Harvard Graduates Two young men who had just graduated from Harvard were all excited and talking effusively as they got into a taxi in downtown Boston. In college.Good Morning The Professor came in and said "Good Morning" to all of us. 9.. "You men Harvard graduates?" "Yes Sir! Class of 07" they answered proudly. and they say good morning back. he responded "Ah. uh. 7. When they look up so they can see the instructor they're juniors. you can't go out to lunch because it's not allowed. your dad doesn't pay for dates. you're Freshmen." "When you walk in and say good morning. it never took 3 or 4 weeks to get money from Mom and Dad. Once you've obtained the information described in #10. In high school. College women are legal. they're Sophomores. 8. In college. and they write it down." Differences Between High School And College 1. 6. 10. in order to figure out where he/she will be walking around campus and at what time to find them there. sick that day. they're graduate students. they're seniors. After hearing them for a couple of minutes the cab driver asked. When they put their cell phones down and open their books. "When you walk in and say good morning. you can't go out to lunch because you can't afford it. there's no one to tell you not to eat pizza three meals a day. In high school. 4. 5.

Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required reading for your class. saying. "No. Giggle throughout it. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz. 7." With that. Ask occassional questions.. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth. for next class. Assign a report on Volume 1. but mutter "as if you gibbering simps would know" and move on before anyone can answer. "Don't bother to hand that paper in. have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song." The guy looked at him and said. do you know who I am?" The professor replied. Play "Kumbaya" on the get a zero on this exam" The guy. 3. 8. "Class of '68. Well. and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board. 6. "Professor. Announce "you'll need this".. I've no idea who you think you are. "No. do you know who I am A history professor at school had a strict policy that the hourly examinations were to be completed at the bell and anyone who kept writing on their exam after the bell would take a zero on the exam. 9. The professor looked at him and said. Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear. 5.." Professor. "You mean you have no idea who I am?" The professor responded. When anyone asks a question. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. and I don't care if your dad is president of the United States. Have a band waiting in the corner of the room.. the guy said "Good!" plunged his exam into the middle of the stack of other student's exams. . shouted. you get a zero for continuing after the bell. Aardvark through Armenia. 2. with a enraged look on his face. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. 4.The cab driver extended his hand back to shake their hand. and did a hasty retreat from the examination room! Even More Fun Things For Professors To Do On The First Day Of Class 1. one guy kept writing on his exam for a while after the bell and then confidently strode up to turn it in.

rank. Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day. 11. She called all the girls into the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. say in a highpitched voice. If someone asks a question. Mr. resume your sentence and proceed normally. 14. 9. When someone asks a question. "Would YOU like to give the lecture. 10. . McGee?" 5. Point the overhead projector at the class. awkward silence. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?" 2. Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird". Bring a small dog to class. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. walk silently over to their seat. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. 4. freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. More Fun Things For Professors To Do On The First Day Of Class 1. Tell the class he's named "Boogers McGee" and is your "mascot". 13. you'll have to ask *me*. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors. and deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style. "The Professor can't hear you. After a long. Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester. "What'll be. 12. Every so often. 8. turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands. Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. If a student asks you a question directly. Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror. but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Demand each student's name. Smartypants?" 6. That was fine.Lipstick Problem A middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. Assign it an office and office hours. He took out a long-handled squeegee. Imply that this could happen at any moment. Ignore all questions. walk over to the dog and ask it. Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. 7. Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene. Whenever someone asks a question. and ask. and serial number. 3. Tell students that you'll fail them if they cheat on exams or "fake the funk". dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror. Winky Willy". hand them your piece of chalk. she asked the maintenance man to clean one of the mirrors. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

bumped his knee "accidentally". nothing at all. somewhat taken aback by this attention. "What are you doing tomorrow afternoon at 3:30?" The student lied. I really need to pass your course. I $imply ?an't think of anything I need. a$ I would love to hear from you. After receiving his son's letter. you can ju$t $end me a card. ask them questions. After confirming everyone's names on the roll. "Excellent! Professor Palmer is holding a help session for his students. the professor asked. tsk". Record their times in your grade book while muttering "tsk. Wear a hood with one eyehole. It is extremely important to me. and time their responses with a stop watch. $chool i$ really great. anything you say. The under graduate pulled the chair closer to the professor." After some brief reflection. Why don't you attend that. "Anything?" To which the undergradute cooed. Your $on. 16. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop. etc. smiled at him shyly. With all my $tuff. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. "Professor. clutch your chest and scream "MY PACEMAKER!" 20. Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie. 17. 18. $o if you would like. "Yes. "Oh." The professor then advised. thank the class for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop. the father immediately replies by sending a letter back. Attractive College Student One day. Love." Money Hint Dear Father. It is so important that I'll do anything you suggest. the undergraduate said. . Periodically make strange gurgling noises. I can be free then.15. Finally. sir. a very attractive under graduate visited the professor's office. replied. After turning on the overhead projector. 19. Pick out random students." The professor.

Make paper airplanes out of the exam.Dear Son. Bring a pillow. Talk the entire way through the exam. better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. yell out. "Why are you standing here all alone?" "Because. answer in essay form. run out screaming "Andre. Get a copy of the exam. 2. 4. . Feeling she was making progress. If it is long answer/essay form. ecoNOmics. 5. Wake up. "Okay. Sandy offered. If asked to stop. I've got the secret documents!!" 3. Read questions aloud." looking at the woman suspiciously. A little while later. and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. If it is a math/science exam. say "oh geez. "Would you like me to be your friend?" The girl hesitated. Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot. however. and you can never study eNOugh. Love. The girl said she was. I kNOw that astroNOmy. answer with numbers and symbols. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. "I'm so sure you can hear me thinking. Dad Lonely Girl Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. Be creative. Andre. " Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is. Sandy approached and asked if she was all right. "I'm the goalie!" Things Not To Do During Exams 1. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task. Sandy then asked. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril. Turn it in a few minutes early. then said. still by herself. Approaching again. Use the integral symbol." the little girl said with great exasperation. debate your answers with yourself out loud. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

e. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Bring cheerleaders. throw your papers down violently. "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a . If the instructor asks why. "If you're really daring. ask for another copy of the exam. rip up all the papers into very small pieces. say "They've found me. 17. As you walk out. Come into the exam wearing slippers. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam. . Show up completely drunk. If it is a multiple choice exam. 19. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. 22. 21. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Every five minutes. Twenty minutes into it. Try to get the instructor to let them stay. Be as vulgar as possible. 16. BABE. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear. 7. interesting way to refuse to answer every question. eat it. throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas. Do the entire exam in another language. start commenting on how easy it was. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out. Every now and then. About five minutes into it. Bring pets. a towel on your head. If you don't know one. 13. or fluorescent markers. scream out "Forget this!" and walk out triumphantly. collect all your things. . Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done. Walk into the exam with an entourage. stand up. and nothing else. spell out interesting things (DCCAB. On the answer sheet (book. Say you lost the first one. 18. 12. Play with the volume at max level. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. tell him/her in a very derogatory tone. 27. 9. 15. clap twice rapidly.6. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. make one up! For math/science exams. Blame it on the person nearest to you. Fifteen minutes into the exam. Get the exam. they are all leaving after one hour to go drink) 26. Be creative. "I don't understand any of this. I have to leave the country" and run off. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay. ). . I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?" 8. Breathe a sigh of relief. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. Go to the instructor. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. 20. Walk in. 10. stand up. 14. a bathrobe. move to another seat. whatever) find a new. get the exam. try using Roman numerals. loudly say to the instructor. 24. you should start crying for mommy). be persuasive. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes. 11. continue with the exam. sit down. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam. etc. 23. paint. etc. 25. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. Do the exam with crayons. ).

49. . Start a brawl in the middle of the exam. complain about the heat. Upon receiving the exam. One word: Wrestlemania. blow them up.clapper. . because you have bad circulation. 47. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about. . play various tunes. look it over. like history notes for a calculus exam. etc. otherwise you're not just failing. 48. while laughing loudly. . If the exam is math/science related. chairs. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Desks. " Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle. sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam. make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. 36. point to any question. with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit. . 41. When you walk in. 34. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day. 35. you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After you get the exam. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. 29. put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here. 45. say "it helps me think. Break the point off your paper. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious. challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. Insist this person is needed. From the moment the exam begins. Sharpen the pencil. 38. anything you can reach. When they finally get you to leave one way or another. start throwing them around like they do before concerts start. 31. complete with sword and shield. call the instructor over. DUH!" 28. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. " 39. and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai. . Come in wearing a full knight's outfit. 30. After about 30 minutes. Try to get people in the room to do the wave. say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!" 32. If you are asked to stop. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room. flowers. Repeat this process for one hour. 44. During the exam. Try to work it out of him/her. 42. where you know the class is very small. Fight for your right to take the exam. 40. telegrams. ask for the answer. . balloons. 33. Bring a water pistol with you. 43. relate everything to your own life story. hum the theme to Jeopardy. Get deliveries of candy. the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so". If it is a written exam. Bring balloons. Bring a musical instrument with you. 46. 37. take apart everything around you.

00. "That's where twelve ignorant people decide my fate instead of one. the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied.Random Short Funny Jokes #1 Did you know that if all of the smokers were laid end-to-end around the world. "Yes." A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "My dear. Finally the husband exploded. three-quarters of them would drown? A couple was having a discussion about family finances. "If it weren't for my money. asked the man while dolling out the $50. if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here. "Jury trial." answered the lawyer. can you read all right? Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting? If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest. will it make a sound? Would a fly without wings be called a walk? Why do people who know the least know it the loudest? Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? . "$50." A defendant was asked if he wanted a bench trial or a jury trial." replied the lawyer. "what's your third question?" Silly Questions #3 What's another word for thesaurus? What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants? If a parsley farmer is sued." replied the defendant. can they garnish his wages? Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia. "Isn't that kinda steep?".00 for three questions." the defendant replied. "Sure. "Do you understand the difference?" asked the judge.

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"? Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo? Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime? If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? If nothing ever sticks to teflon, how do they make teflon stick to the pan? If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

Priceless #1 Painting the bathroom on your day off ........ $29 New bathtub..................................... $800 Replace pants covered in paint.................. $19 Watering the front yard and flowers, standing in the front of the house waving as friends drive by

(while the first coat of paint dries)................................$10 Realizing after coming in the house that you still have a shower cap on your head.....priceless Note: The person who submitted this quip stated that this was not made up, it really happend to her. Random One Liners #5 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. A bartender is a pharmacist with a limited inventory. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. All men are idiots, and I married their King. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. A day without sunshine is like, night. All generalizations are false, including this one. Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. My Reality Check bounced. Why don't men often show their true feelings? Because they don't have any. What is the thinnest book in the world? What Men Know About Women. Did you hear about the idiot who walked around the world? He drowned. The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children. The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.

The longest sentence known to man: "I do." Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime? Why was man created before woman? Because you always need a rough draft before the final copy. I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead. A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action. Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high. Random Quips How do you confuse a blonde girl? Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner! I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn't looking good either. On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed. "What's the matter? Are you sick?" he asked. "No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see old ladies standing." Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework? Student: No, he did it all by himself. A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there's a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman "What did you do that for?" Son: Dad, what is an idiot? Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me? Son: No. My boss is so unpopular even his own shadow refuses to follow him.

Customer: Waiter, waiter! There is a frog in my soup!!! Waiter: Sorry, sir. The fly is on vacation. "I was born in California." "Which part?" "All of me." Customer: Excuse me, but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying it. Waitress: Oh, that's okay. The soup isn't hot. Teacher: Why are you late? Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill. Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it? Student: No. I was standing on it. Two cows are standing in a field. One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?" The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"

Short Funny Animal Jokes 1. If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too. If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. Your husband expects you to growl when you wake up. He also expects you to have hairy legs and excess body fat. I wish I was a bear. 2. "This morning I got up and shot an elephant in my pajamas. How the elephant got into my pajamas, I'll never know." Groucho Marx 3. From George Carlin: What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Lawyer Question And Answer Jokes

Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? A: Not enough sand. And which dwarf are you? It's not the size that counts. Q. Heck. Q. actually it is the size. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? A. I'll put shoes on my cat. From chasing parked ambulances. you would need over 100 just to lobby for the research grant. What ever kind of look you were going for. will you leave? If I want to hear the patter of little feet.Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? A: His lips are moving. you missed. Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers? A: Professional courtesy. . One Liners From Women To Men Not all men are annoying. Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle. I am doing my best to imagine you with a personality. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb? A. why don't you swerve to hit him? A: It might be your bicycle. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. If I throw a stick. Q: Do you know how to save a drowning laywer? A: Take your foot off his head. Some are dead. it's the. umm.

Absolute power is pretty neat.Random One Liners #2 All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy. You have the right to remain silent. then used against you. There is no "I" in "Team". anything you say will be misquoted. stay awake and plot your revenge. but there are four in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot". a woman always has the last word. do they know it? Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. All power corrupts. In an argument. Never go to bed angry.) Don't tell all you know. When blondes have more fun. I don't want buns of steel. one day you will be right. . There are two rules for success: 1. If you think there is good in everybody then you obviously haven't met everybody. Take everything in moderation. I want buns of cinnamon. I should get a free dog. Including moderation. I've been on so many blind dates. though. Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it. Treat each day as your last.

Sign up to vote on this title
UsefulNot useful