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Homoeopathic ER By Nathaniel Tapley

INT. AN OPERATING THEATRE. DAY There is pulse-pounding music as the doors CLATTER open from a busy emergency room. A NURSE and ORDERLY rush in pushing a trolley and an IV stand. On the gurney is a PATIENT who clutches at the bleeding stump where his right leg used to be. A determined-looking DOCTOR follows closely behind, rolling up his sleeves. DOCTOR What have we got? NURSE Blunt, crushing trauma to the lower anterior region, resulting in shock and massive... leggal haemmorhage. DOCTOR (scrubbing up in thin air) Right. Im going to need 250ccs of water, another 800ccs of water, and as much water as you can carry. Stat! The orderly rushes out of the room. The patient screams as arterial blood sprays across the doctor and nurse. DOCTOR If only there were something we can do. He stands, helpless, with his hands on his hips. PATIENT My favourite leg! The doctor just watches with a baffled look. NURSE Doctor. DOCTOR I feel like Im missing something, but what, what? NURSE Well, you could always do something to stop the bleeding.


CONTINUED: DOCTOR And what would you suggest, nurse? There happens to be a man dying here! PATIENT Dying? NURSE A tourniquet? Applying pressure to the wound? Antiseptic? DOCTOR You poor, naive tool of the medical companies. This man doesnt need your pharmaceuticals, hes got everything he needs to cure him inside himself. All he needs is to trust his body to heal itself. That and some herbs and magic water. Where is that orderly? PATIENT I feel awful. Some more blood gushes out of him. The nurse pulls out a bottle of water. NURSE Well, Ive got some water hereThe doctor snatches it away from her. DOCTOR Let me see that. Water has a memory, see, it remembers what it used to be, like you remember yesterday evening, or I remember that I use to be a Jacobean serving wench called Tilly. He examines the bottle. DOCTOR Good God, woman, do you want to kill him? This water is filtered through volcanic rock, it remembers being a volcano. If we give him this hell explode in a shower of superheated gases and magma. Get this out of here! He goes to the door and tosses it out.


The orderly dashes in, and gives the doctor a large bottle of water, which he pours into the bag on the IV stand. (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: DOCTOR Now, we can only wait. Wait and pray. PATIENT Oh God!


There is a final burst of blood, and the patient falls back. DOCTOR No! No! No! Hows his aura? The orderly checks a machine. ORDERLY Green. DOCTOR God damn it. The nurse starts pumping the patients chest, with sharp CPR motions. The doctor knocks her aside. DOCTOR Not like that, like this. He begins to make wispy, tentative, aura-feeling motions over the patient. The blood dribbles out more feebly. DOCTOR Im losing him! Im losing him! Someone get me some crystals and a healing wand! The patient gives their death rattle, and lies still. The doctor shouts at the body, but doesnt touch it. DOCTOR Come on! Dont do this to me! Live! Live, damn you! Live! ORDERLY Doctor, hes gone. The doctor pulls off his imaginary gloves. DOCTOR All right. Call it. Time of death: 12:04. PATIENT (weakly) Actually, Im still alive.




DOCTOR (sobs) It never gets any easier. PATIENT I really think I could survive if I were to receive treatment now. The nurse and the orderly put their arms around the doctors shoulders, and walk him out. They turn the light off as they leave. PATIENT Hello? Hello? Pause. PATIENT Hello? BIG TITLE CARD: Homeopathic E.R.