Time and Deep Potential

April 2011

I poured through old papers from many, many years ago. They told tales I had forgotten; that I didn’t think I had a need to remember. In that past, they eluded to a future filled with promise. I had to stop and laugh. I went to a prestigious university, considered by many to be the best there is, and graduated with significant honors. Some aspects of reaching graduation were challenging, but I’m glad I chose to stick it out, and I did well there. And then, I was dropped into the world. Maybe I was on my way up, headed toward some external representation of the fulfillment of my potential, until 9/11. I was in New York City, a mile from what would be later named Ground Zero, at my one full-time job truly related to my awarded degree, thus far. I was working in the music business, as an assistant to an established band manager, answering calls to the sound of famous successful musicians asking to speak with the booking agent whose office I worked in. And then 9/11 happened. Although I didn’t recognize this ‘til much later, 9/11 triggered the start of a very serious and long journey with my shadow side. The side that does not achieve, that denied aspect that must ultimately find Healing and Integration: those little-valued though completely essential aspects of human life. I quit my music business job—my boss repeatedly inspired too much confusion, stress and concern. Eventually I left New York City, giving away most of my possessions in the process, and fled to a tiny town in southern Arizona where I lived in a fixed-up school bus on the woody rustic outskirts of the town’s population of a mere thousand… and confronted the darkest part of myself. Over the years after graduation I mostly did a number of various day jobs that had nothing to do with my prestigious degree. I did basic duties in a coffee shop. I typed. I studied some hands-on gardening. I worked at a food co-op. And then, I was fired for the first time in my

life. I was fired from my role as a part-time co-op cashier. Which is funny. It’s funny because, while I appreciated that job and to an extent found it meaningful, it’s probably not what I’m “meant” to do. In considering the strange reasoning behind the pink slip, I took it as a sign from God that I was supposed to pursue what I’m meant to do, and thus plunged completely into my creativity. Now, years later after traveling extensively through the insular land of shadow, I am healed. No, I am not perfect. I’m not perfectly beautiful. I’m not perfectly healthy. I don’t not stumble. There have still been occasional bouts of traumatic gut-wrenching self-loathing. But I’ve integrated my shadow side, that inner journey of years that went deep into the belly and dirt of bare existence, beyond the pedigree of the mind and the dictates of society’s values. I am whole. I wake up in appreciation. I look at the face of the world—the news of nuclear meltdowns, oil spills, bombings, funding cuts against the poor, and what many of us feel is the very real immediate crisis of humanity’s blood-stricken and heartbreaking relationship with Mother Earth— and I do my best to navigate the tides of the unknown, knowing I want to be a bearer of The Light on this planet for a long, long time in joyous well-being. Looking over these old paper records of mine, in folders tattered by the years, I can see more clearly, from this vantage point of healing and wholeness. These days, I write some poems, I make some music, I share these with some people, and my creative effort is generally very wellreceived. People like what I do. And... I’m making barely any money from it. I count my blessings in gratitude that my basic needs are met, but there is a strong feeling in me that things have to change, that it’s time for change, in so many ways. Every morning I wake up in unshakeable shock that my “roommate” is the sound of traffic roar and the smell of car exhaust. Atrocities done in the names of reckless progress and economic urges keep rolling in on the news feed. I feel both an urgency to return to Nature and an urgency to resolve this long-standing issue of: “What is my place in the world?”… including the world of incomes, careers, and external success. I want to share my creativity with more people. I know there are thousands more who would be moved to receive it. And I need to keep doing my part on the

paradoxical battlefield of fighting to live in harmony with the Earth and our fellow humans. I don’t know where I’m going. I know change is coming. I am preparing. I prepare my things, thus the going through the old papers, and I prepare my self. I write these things, I share these things, listening for what doorways open. I listen to my heart’s call for Nature… and, my heart’s call for Love, knowing Love will always steal me away one way or another, beyond this unfinished story that unfolds over hours, months, years. Love will always steal me away. Love will always steal me away. Thank you.

© 2011 de Vie

www.deVieMusic.com ; song+voicemail 520 505 9005

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