A HUSBAND SCORNED A ONE-ACT M USICAL M USIC BY: TWO HOUR'S TRAFFIC BOOK & LYRICS BY: ANDY BROWN

Andy Brown IRAE1984@GM AIL.COM 407-497-7587 © 2011

CAST PIED PIPER/KLAUS/FRAU SCHLUM PF/EGBERT HILDEBRAND KATRINA PRIEST M ulti-role An Older Peasant Hildebrand's Wife Katrina's Lover

M USICAL NUM BERS "A GOODLY LIFE" PIED PIPER/KLAUS, HILDEBRAND, KATRINA PRIEST, KATRINA ALL

"PICK A PECK OF LAUREL LEAVES" "TRALA TRALORE"

A HUSBAND SCORNED Lights rise on DR where the PIED PIPER stands. He is dressed in the garb of an 18th Century troubadour. He plays a quick motif on his pipe, one that has perhaps been played earlier in the play or can be after. PIED PIPER People are vile and easily corrupted. They only seek themselves to please and shrug off the needs of their fellow travelers with the greatest of ease. What, you don’t believe me? Fine. I’ll show you. Lights rise on the rest of the stage to reveal the facade of a kitchen interior in the home of HILDEBRAND at SR, a village facade at C, and the church facade at SL. HILDEBRAND and his wife KATRINA are in the kitchen. They are both dressed in peasant garb. HILDEBAND is a handsome man, but a good deal older than KATRINA. They are smiling, sharing sweet kisses, and holding hands as the PIED PIPER continues. PIED PIPER Just look at them. They are so in love, or at least they appear to be. It’s disgusting. How easy it would be for me to drive a wedge between Old Hildebrand and his wife Katrina, to level the very foundation of their happiness, to...wait, you don’t know the story of Old Hildebrand? Well, sit back. You’re in for a treat. (to KATRINA) Katrina, dear, get off the stage. We’re going to start from the beginning. (KATRINA hurries off) I think this calls for a little music. Depravity is far more palatable when served up in a song. (Plays motif on pipe, thinks) Many a form the devil may take. Let’s see what mischief I can make! (MUSIC CUE) “A GOODLY LIFE” IN THE VILLAGE KAMPF THERE ONCE LIVED A MAN BORN OF SIMPLE FOLK FOLLOWING GOD’S PLAN.

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AND HE LONGED FOR A GOODLY LIFE, FOR A HOME AND A PRETTY WIFE, DAYS AND NIGHTS FREE FROM ANGST AND STRIFE, MAKES ME WANT TO GRAB A KNIFE! HILDEBRAND mimes business in the house. PIED PIPER Hildebrand was a peasant farmer like his father before him. All his days he yearned for love but never found it. That is until the day he was visited by his aged friend, Klaus. PIED PIPER puts on a wig and hat and hobbles over to HILDEBRAND. HILDEBRAND Klaus, my old friend! What brings you here this fine day? KLAUS Hildebrand, I need your help. (sings) I AM GROWING OLD. I DON’T HAVE MUCH TIME. I’VE A DAUGHTER FAIR WHO IS AT HER PRIME. SHE WOULD MAKE YOU A GOODLY WIFE. SHE WILL COOK, CLEAN, AND BEAR NEW LIFE. I SHOULD ADD THAT SHE PLAYS THE FIFE, AND HER SKILL IN LOVE IS RIFE. HILDEBRAND Yes, old friend, of course I will take your daughter in marriage. Katrina! KLAUS Get in here! KATRINA enters. KATRINA Yes, Papa? KLAUS Daughter, I am at the end of my life, and it would please me to know that you had a goodly husband to love you and care for you. KATRINA looks at HILDEBRAND, very much taken with her father’s choice of husband for her. She doesn’t get out much.

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KATRINA Thank you, Papa. I will happily bend to your wishes. Good. KLAUS You’re married. KLAUS falls to the ground dead. PIED PIPER takes off wig and hat and crosses to his spot at DR. PIED PIPER And with that, Klaus died and Hildebrand and Katrina were joined in marriage. HILDEBRAND and KATRINA kiss and HILDEBRAND starts dry humping KATRINA from behind, much to KATRINA’s delight. I I I I HILDEBRAND LOVE HER! LOVE HER! LOVE MY KATRINA! CAME!

KATRINA HE LOVES ME! HE LOVES ME! IT HAPPENED SO QUICKLY. HOW LAME! KATRINA adjusts her clothes and goes to tidying the house as HILDEBRAND sits by the stove, smoking a pipe in great satisfaction. PIED PIPER AND THEY LIVED LIKE THIS FOR A YEAR OR TWO. IN THE THROES OF LOVE, WHAT’S A GIRL TO DO? KATRINA HOW I LONG FOR A DIFFERENT LIFE! HILDEBRAND SHE HAS ONCE YET TO PLAY HER FIFE! PIED PIPER AND I STILL WANT TO GRAB A KNIFE!

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ALL I I I A WANT WANT WANT GOODLY LIFE! Music ends. PIED PIPER And this was their life for five long years. Katrina loved her husband, but bore him no children, much to their dismay. As time passed, her affection for him mellowed and she regarded him more as a companion than a lover. This greatly frustrated Hildebrand, who had a problem containing his impulses and expressing his angst. KATRINA is situating the kitchen table when HILDEBRAND comes from behind and starts humping KATRINA’S leg. KATRINA Not now, Hilde. I am tired and aching. HILDEBRAND stops humping her leg. HILDEBRAND You are always tired and aching. long. I know. What? KATRINA I said my skin feels like rubble. Hilde, dear, if you run into the village and get me some scented lotions, I might be rested enough when you get back. HILDEBRAND Of course, my love! I’ll leave at once. HILDEBRAND exits. PIED PIPER pushes bed unit onstage and dons KLAUS wig and hat. KLAUS (moaning) Daughter.... KATRINA That’s the trouble. HILDEBRAND It won’t take

5.

Papa?

KATRINA Aren’t you dead? I’m here to

KLAUS That doesn’t matter right now. warn you about Hildebrand.

KATRINA Why should you warn me about Hilde? KLAUS Hildebrand doesn’t appreciate you. He just values you for the pleasure you give him. KATRINA I am good. KLAUS Listen, daughter. Ready yourself for bed before Hildebrand returns. Deny his passion, and you will see for yourself that he cares little for your needs. KATRINA That seems a bit cruel, but you have come all this way. Hurry! KLAUS Before he returns! KLAUS exits and returns to his spot DR as the PIED PIPER as KATRINA readies herself for bed. PIED PIPER And so Katrina readied herself for bed. when Hildebrand returned... And

HILDEBRAND enters with lotions. HILDEBRAND Katrina, my love! I have the lotions! KATRINA You took too long, Hilde. HILDEBRAND But you promised. KATRINA Tomorrow, dear. It can wait. I am already in bed.

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HILDEBRAND (fuming) Frick, frickety, frack, frack, bricker bracker, criminy, crack, etc. KATRINA Hilde, I’m trying to sleep. HILDEBRAND Fine. I’m going to the barn. the lotions with me. And I’m taking

HILDEBRAND exits. KATRINA Papa was right. Hilde does care more about his own pleasure than he does for me. PIED PIPER That was easy. Let’s leave the happy couple for a while. I’m needed elsewhere. Note: This might be an opportunity to segue to another story. When the PIED PIPER returns, he can start at this point in the HILDEBRAND plot. PIED PIPER Where was I? Oh, yes! Hildebrand was sanding wood in the barn. Anyway, one day the village of Kampf was appointed a new, young priest to provide for all their spiritual needs. Enter PRIEST. He is a handsome devil, dressed in a priest’s garb and collar. He crosses to C where he meets KATRINA at the village facade. KATRINA Hello. PRIEST Hello. PIED PIPER This exchange happened on more than one occasion. KATRINA Hello.

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PRIEST Hello. PIED PIPER Until finally one day the Priest said to Katrina... PRIEST Good morning. KATRINA Good morning. PRIEST crosses to the church facade as PIED PIPER puts on a woman’s wig and apron and becomes FRAU SCHLUMPF. FRAU SCHLUMPF crosses to KATRINA and the PRIEST observes their conversation. FRAU SCHLUMPF Katrina! How long has it been? you in the village anymore. I never see

KATRINA It has been too long, Frau Schlumpf. well, my friend. Thank you. Who? FRAU SCHLUMPF The new priest. He is very handsome. KATRINA I hadn’t noticed.

You look

FRAU SCHLUMPF So, have you seen him yet? KATRINA

FRAU SCHLUMPF How could you not? If I weren’t married, you can guarantee I’d be making confession on a daily basis. KATRINA Frau Schlumpf, really! FRAU SCHLUMPF You know I’m right, child. KATRINA I suppose he is pleasant to look at.

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FRAU SCHLUMPF And there’s no harm in looking. KATRINA I suppose there isn’t. FRAU SCHLUMPF Well, I should go, dearie. There will be hell to pay if I don’t have supper on the table for Reuben when he comes home. Goodbye! KATRINA Goodbye. PRIEST exits, greatly pleased at what he has heard. FRAU SCHLUMPF crosses to DR and becomes PIED PIPER. PIED PIPER I know. I’m an ass. So, now that the Priest was certain that Katrina fancied him as much as he did her, he invited Katrina to church to give her confession. KATRINA crosses to the church facade where the PRIEST meets her. KATRINA Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. PRIEST Then we are doubly damned, for I, too, have sinned. KATRINA What are we to do? PRIEST Listen, Katrina, I have thought it through, and I know how the two of us can spend an entire day together. On Wednesday, tell your husband that you are sick and lie down in bed, moaning and groaning. Carry on like that until Sunday, and in my sermon I will preach that if anyone has a sick child at home, a sick husband, a sick wife, a sick sister, brother, or anyone else, then that person should make a pilgrimage to Mount Cuckoo in Italy. There for a kreuzer, one can get a peck of laurel leaves, and this person’s sick child, sick husband, sick wife, sick sister, brother, or anyone else will be healed on the spot.

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Yes!

KATRINA I’ll do it. KATRINA exits and crosses to her home facade where the bed unit has been set in place. HILDEBRAND is whittling by the stove, and KATRINA makes a big show of being ill, almost to the point of melodrama. HILDEBRAND helps her to the bed.

PIED PIPER And do it she did. Wednesday arrived on schedule and with it Katrina’s lament of sickness. She moaned, she groaned, she even emptied her bladder to make her husband believe she was at death’s door. Hildebrand was beside himself. HILDEBRAND I am beside myself. PIED PIPER He brought his wife cold compresses, bowl after bowl of chicken soup. He even thought to bleed her with leeches. But nothing seemed to help. Finally, Sunday arrived. HILDEBRAND is at KATRINA’S side. He is humping the bedpost. KATRINA Hilde, I am dying. HILDEBRAND Are you sure? KATRINA Yes. Quite. HILDEBRAND No, my love, it cannot be. There must be something I can do to save you. KATRINA It is too late for me. thing... But there is one

HILDEBRAND Anything. Name it, and if it is within my power to grant, it will be yours.

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KATRINA Before I die, I should like to hear the sermon that the priest is going to give today. HILDEBRAND But, my love, you can’ go out now. up, it might make you worse. KATRINA But he’s such a dish. HILDEBRAND What? KATRINA I said it’s my dying wish. HILDEBRAND Oh. Look, I’ll go to church and pay close attention and tell you everything that the priest says. KATRINA Oh, Hilde. What did I do to deserve such devotion? Go now to the church, pay close attention, and then tell me everything you have heard. HILDEBRAND kisses KATRINA on the forehead and darts off to the church facade where the PRIEST stands behind the pulpit. PIED PIPER And off Hildebrand went to the church as quickly as his feet would carry him, just as his wife wished. He made it just in time to hear the Priest’s sermon. (MUSIC CUE) PRIEST I had a dream last night... “PICK A PECK OF LAUREL LEAVES” PRIEST I DREAMT A SHEPHERD WANDERED THROUGH THE HILLS OF GOCKERLI. HIS SOUL BEREFT BECAUSE HE FEARED TO LOSE HIS FAMILY. THEN HE HAPPENED ON A MYSTIC, FRAIL AND GNARLY, WISE AND OLD. THE MYSTIC TUGGED ON HIS WHITE BEARD, AND THIS IS WHAT HE TOLD... If you get

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PICK THAT PICK YOUR

A PECK OF LAUREL LEAVES. WILL DO THE TRICK. A PECK OF LAUREL LEAVES. LOVED ONES WON’T GET SICK.

THEY ONLY COST A KREUZER, AND THAT PECK ALL ILLS RELIEVES. PICK A PECK OF LAUREL LEAVES. IT’S ALL YOU HAVE TO DO. JOURNEY NOW TO ITALY, AND GO TO MOUNT CUCKOO. Music continues as HILDEBRAND jumps for joy. He rushes to the PRIEST and they mime conversation as the PIED PIPER speaks. PIED PIPER No one could have been happier to hear the Priest’s sermon that Hildebrand. What gave him even more joy was that the Priest was generous enough to offer him a laurel sack and a kreuzer so that he could afford the cure for his sickly wife. With that, Hildebrand hurried home to tell Katrina the news. HILDEBRAND crosses to the home facade as lights dim on the church facade. KATRINA, who has been filing her nails, hears his approach and returns to feigning her illness. KATRINA Is that you, Hilde? HILDEBRAND Katrina, my love. It’s a miracle! good as cured! You are as

PIED PIPER And Hildebrand began to tell Katrina of the Priest’s sermon. KATRINA I don’t understand. What does this mean? HILDEBRAND It means you are going to be healed. The Priest said so himself. All I have to do is... A pool of light rises on the PRIEST at the pulpit.

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PICK THAT PICK YOUR

PRIEST A PECK OF LAUREL LEAVES. WILL DO THE TRICK. A PECK OF LAUREL LEAVES. LOVED ONES WON’T GET SICK.

THEY ONLY COST A KREUZER, AND THAT PECK ALL ILLS RELIEVES. PICK A PECK OF LAUREL LEAVES. IT’S ALL YOU HAVE TO DO. JOURNEY NOW TO ITALY, AND GO TO MOUNT CUCKOO. Music continues as lights dim on the PRIEST and the scene continues. KATRINA But Mount Cuckoo is so far away. I could never ask you to make that journey. I have lived a good life. Let me spend these last few days with you here at my side. HILDEBRAND No distance is too great for my love. I shall take off immediately, so you can get better as soon as possible. I just hate to leave you alone in this condition. Don’t worry. What? KATRINA I mean, I’ll have your love to keep me safe and warm. HILDEBRAND Oh, how I love you. You have to know I wouldn’t be responsible for my actions if I ever thought I might lose you. KATRINA That’s sweet. And very disturbing. HILDEBRAND kisses KATRINA on the forehead and exits with the laurel sack and kreuzer in tow. PIED PIPER Hildebrand had scarcely left when his wife leapt from her bed, and the Priest arrived. KATRINA I won’t be alone. HILDEBRAND

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PRIEST enters and runs to KATRINA. They twirl in a circle together holding hands in celebration. The PRIEST moves in to kiss KATRINA as the lights dim on the home facade. PIED PIPER We should probably give them a little privacy. I have a feeling that the Priest won’t be content to hump the bedpost. Note: This might be another opportunity for segue. PIED PIPER Now let’s see what happened to Hildebrand. You see, Hildebrand was hurrying along through the village so would waste no time on his journey to Mount Cuckoo. However, before he got very far, he ran into his cousin, the egg merchant. PIED PIPER puts on a hat, pulls an oversized egg cart from the wings and becomes EGBERT, the egg merchant. He crosses to C to meet HILDEBRAND. Cousin! EGBERT Where are you off to in such a hurry?

HILDEBRAND Egbert, my cousin! My wife is at deaths’ door. But today at church, the Priest told us that if anyone had a sick child at home, a sick husband, a sick wife, a sick sister, brother, or anyone else, all he had to do was... A pool of light rises on the PRIEST and KATRINA in the home facade humping on the bed unit. PICK THAT PICK YOUR PRIEST/KATRINA A PECK OF LAUREL LEAVES. WILL DO THE TRICK. A PECK OF LAUREL LEAVES. LOVED ONES WON’T GET SICK.

THEY ONLY COST A KREUZER, AND THAT PECK ALL ILLS RELIEVES. PICK A PECK OF LAUREL LEAVES. IT’S ALL YOU HAVE TO DO. JOURNEY NOW TO ITALY, AND GO TO MOUNT CUCKOO.

14.

Lights dim on the PRIEST and KATRINA as the music ends. EGBERT Oh, cousin, do not be so simple as to believe that. You know what I think? The Priest wants to spend an entire day alone with your wife. He has given you this errand just to get you out from under his feet. HILDEBRAND You think so? EGBERT Oh, I think so. Your wife is a whore. HILDEBRAND What? EGBERT (shouting) I said your wife is a whore! HILDEBRAND Oh. That’s what I thought you said. should like to know if that is true. How I

EGBERT Then climb into my egg cart, and I will carry you home, and you can see for yourself. Yes. HILDEBRAND I think I will. HILDEBRAND climbs into EGBERT’S egg cart and is concealed. EGBERT takes off his hat and becomes the PIED PIPER. PIED PIPER And that is just what happened. Hildebrand climbed into the egg cart, and Egbert carried him home. Lights rise on the home facade. The bed unit has been struck. The PRIEST has his collar off and is playing a fiddle as KATRINA plays her fife. PIED PIPER When they arrived, the good times had already started.

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PIED PIPER The Priest was playing his fiddle, Katrina her fife, and they were making merry over draughts of ale. HILDEBRAND (sticking head out) That’s odd. Katrina never played her fife for me. PIED PIPER puts his hat on again to become EGBERT and pushes HILDEBRAND’S head under cover. EGBERT knocks on the “door.” KATRINA Who’s there? EGBERT Katrina, it is your cousin, Egbert. Can you give me shelter for the night? I did not sell all my eggs at market, so now I have to carry them back home, but they are too heavy, and I cannot make it. It is already dark. KATRINA Well, you have come at a most inconvenient time, but it cannot be helped. (To PRIEST) Hurry, put your collar back on. PRIEST puts his collar back on and KATRINA open the “door” and makes way for EGBERT and his cart. KATRINA Just sit down over there on the bench by the stove. I will have dinner ready in a while. EGBERT Thank you, cousin. EGBERT crosses and sits on the bench and rests the egg cart beside him so that HILDEBRAND can observe everything undetected. KATRINA starts to prepare dinner but stops to share furtive glances with the PRIEST. KATRINA Hello. PRIEST Hello.

16.

EGBERT Hello. The lovers are shaken from their moment. PRIEST Katrina, I hear tell that you are an excellent singer. Sing something for me. KATRINA Oh, I cannot sing anymore. I could sing very well as a young girl, but those days are behind me. PRIEST Please, just one song. KATRINA I couldn’t. PRIEST A few notes? KATRINA Stop, I’m blushing. PRIEST The good book says to make a joyful noise unto the Lord. KATRINA Well, since it is in the good book, how can I refuse? (MUSIC CUE) EGBERT How is that dinner coming along? KATRINA and the PRIEST turn and glare at EGBERT. Never mind. EGBERT I had a late lunch. “TRALA TRALORE” KATRINA I SENT MY HUSBAND OUT, YOU SEE, TO MOUNT CUCKOO IN ITALY. AND NOW I WISH HE’D STAY FOR FOREVER AND A DAY.

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AND I WOULD FOREVER AND A KREUZER’S TO HAVE YOU

PRIEST STAY RIGHT HERE A YEAR. NO LARGE FEE HERE WITH ME.

PRIEST/KATRINA TRALA TRALORE THAT MAN’S A BORE TRALA TRALORE BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE! TRALA TRALEE YOU’RE ALL I SEE! AND YOU’LL SPEND THE NIGHT WITH ME! EGBERT Do I need to leave the room? You see. PRIEST You do sing beautifully.

KATRINA Only when I sing with you. KATRINA and the PRIEST close in for a kiss when EGBERT’S verse interrupts them. EGBERT HEY YOU, MY COUSIN, HILDEBRAND, DO YOU NOW AT LONG LAST UNDERSTAND? YOUR WIFE’S MADE YOU A TOOL, AND YOU’LL BE KNOWN AS HER FOOL. HILDEBRAND bursts from the egg cart, much to the shock of KATRINA and the PRIEST. HILDEBRAND THIS SINGING I CAN BEAR NO MORE. MY WIFE IS SUCH A PETTY WHORE! AND THIS PRIEST WITH HIS FINE COLLAR, I WILL BLEED UNTIL HE HOLLERS! HILDEBRAND and EGBERT pulls clubs and knives from the egg cart and take justice against the lovers as they sing. HILDEBRAND/EGBERT TRALA TRALORE DOWN WITH THE WHORE!

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TRALA TRALORE JUST WAIT! THERE’S MORE! TRALA, IT’S SWELL! YOU’LL BURN IN HELL! AND THE PRIEST WILL BURN AS WELL! The PRIEST and KATRINA lie on the ground in a bloody mess and lights fade on them and HILDEBRAND as EGBERT takes off his hat, becomes the PIED PIPER once more and crosses DR as the music continues. PIED PIPER When the villagers of Kammpf discovered the adulterous escapades of the Priest and Katrina, their lifeless bodies were hung in the town square as a reminder to all who would sin against the Lord. Hildebrand died alone, an old and bitter man. And Egbert was publicly flogged when it was later discovered that he had an unnatural love for the chickens whose eggs he sold. Well, it looks like my work is done here. (singing) TRALA TRALORE HILDEBRAND THE MORAL’S CLEAR! PRIEST KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS KATRINA NOT A CHICKEN’S REAR! ALL TRALA TRALO AND WE THINK YOU KNOW... IF YOU WANT LONG LIFE THAT IS FREE FROM STRIFE AND A GOODLY WIFE WHERE THE SEX IS RIFE THEN YOU SHOULD PAY HEED TO OUR WORDS AND DEEDS LISTEN AS WE PLEAD CAUSE WE KNOW YOUR NEEDS IF YOU PRACTICE, TOO, WHAT WE SAY NOT DO.

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THEN YOU JUST MIGHT LIVE A GOODLY LIFE. THE END. BLACKOUT.

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