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(A book of poems and other musings – Version 1.1 Dated 2011-07-11) By Emma Jane
This book of poems and other musings of my life are dedicated to my parents. Though many of the poems and musings express anger or frustration of things I was experiencing. It was of no fault of my parents. They knew something was off but had no idea. Even those they took me to try and find out what was going on, couldn't tell them. They did their best with what information they had. I myself couldn't express to them what was going on. I didn't understand what was happening and or had no words to describe it or took it to be normal, despite the problems it gave me. For no one seemed to be struggling with this like me. When I did try to tell others by words that I could express or by my actions, I was told to get over myself or was given a look, that made me feel like I wanted the ground to swallow me whole. My reaction to this was to keep quite, put my head down and carry on. Even all these years later and only after eventually getting a diagnosis of a sort (The person I went to, turned out not to believe it is a condition and refused to give it stated on paper), I am only now starting to learning the words to describe what has happened to me and is still happening to me. Most times when I do, it takes a while. That's why I write it down, it is easier than trying to say it face to face. Yet my parents raised me with love and lots of answered prays. Despite not know what was wrong. Both my parents went out of their way never to give us kids any labels. The way they raised me and my brother, in many respects the way that was ahead of its time for the norm. Which when I looked up how to raise children with Aspergers, they had done exactly all the right things and more! Including the use of computers and this is without the guidance of professionals in this field! You must remember this was the early 80's and it was a very rare thing to have a computer in the home. The use of computers for Aspergers was most likely not even on the radar for people else where either at the time either. Because of what my parents did many of my symptoms are not as severe as they could have been. If I did do something that was different, the only thing they would say was 'you think out of the box.' As I have read more and more on the subject of Aspergers, I have come to realise that despite some of the problems in some regards it gives me. It is just figuring out how to use those 'problems' and turning what could be a potential problem into an advantage. Though I must admit this can take a while at times and have and will be bumping my head more than a few times as I figure things out.
Something is just not right Broken Telephone Now will you let me be? Do I know you The Ironie Get the message yet? Just plain stubborn Mind your manners The picky eater Mustn't be late Where is the order? Playing the pretend game Sparkly things Who are you? Why aren't you listening? The Clumsy one You don't have Aspergers You got lost …..Where? You're an adult now Always lagging behind Out of the box Hanging on for dear life The unwritten rules I want to be alone The wallflower The tightrope walkers Woe is me Your inner strength Always been misunderstood I hate forms No imagination? The rat race Paperless is better Which is better? Please don't touch me that way! The bee in my bonnet Are you ok? The collection bug Difficulty in explaining The sound of an argument Unlocking the door What's the point of it all? An Automatic Reaction Feelings I like order Just visiting The dance Lemonade Playing with children Page 4 5 5 6 6 7 8 9 9 10 10 11 12 12 13 13 14 15 16 17 17 18 18 19 19 20 21 21 22 22 23 23 24 24 25 26 26 27 27 28 28 29 29 30 30 31 31 32 32 3
The invisible barrier The realization The longing The slow poke The look When Inspiration hits Index – Alphabetical listing
33 33 34 35 35 36 37
SOMETHING IS JUST NOT RIGHT
All your life you know something isn't quite right with you. Others too see it too. But what is it? No one knows. To others you're just quirky or one the who thinks out of the box. You try to explain what you are experiencing. But can't most times. When able to do so in part, you are told: You are imagining things. To get over yourself. Everyone is also dealing with that. So you keep quiet, put your head down and carry on. You want to be alone. People don't want to accept this. You don't like certain foods. Like Onions. They call you a picky eater. How would you like it if all you tasted was onions and nothing else of the food? Yuk. Need order. Not amused when someone disrupts that. People must leave your things where you put them. Must not be late for things. Even better, arrive earlier. Certain touches make you want to climb the walls. Loud noises are a pain. You react badly or show displeasure at your world been disrupted in some way. People shake their heads in amusement or are puzzled. You are frustrated that no one seems to understand you or is willing to try to. Everyone seems to expect you to be like them. How can you when you don't seemed to be working from the same script as everyone else. Frustration builds. You have a blow up about the way people are reacting to you. You seek help once more. This time the you recognised some symptoms from an article on the net. The psychologist listens. Some help she is. She says you have Aspergers, but doesn't believe it is a condition. So refuses to state it on paper. You are angry at first. Then you realise that you have the answer of why you are different, even if there is no paperwork for now. Your actions make more sense Many of the others you tell about this are now starting to listen to you. Now knowing what is the matter, you can deal with it and make life a little easier. Never give up. You may see the world a little differently to others, but so what, we were never meant to be the same. 5
Playing Broken Telephone as a child is fun. In real life not so much. People don't understand. Face to face you hearing seems to be fine. Use a telephone and you begin to play a real life version of Broken Telephone. Don't recognise voices too easily. If you know what the conversation is about you are ok most of the time. People who don't talk clearly, or have very bad accents, sound like Martians. Need someone else to take directions to a new place you need to go. Otherwise the person will have to spell extremely slowly each new word you don't recognise and then you still get lost. People talking near you. Crackling noises on the phone. People answering the phone in very noisy places. Background noises can make it almost impossible to hear what they are saying at times. You have your hearing tested. The results come back, there is nothing wrong with you. Now what? People think you are acting up or talking nonsense when you tell them you can hear, but not properly on a phone. Years later you see a program on hearing problems. Your symptoms fit one of the conditions talked about. You most likely have CAPD. It means that you hear fine, but understanding its just that you can't filter out certain sounds, or distinguish certain words from each other. Now you understand why at other times besides the telephone, you misunderstand instructions at times or find out what you thought the singer was singing about was not what they were saying. You have been playing Broken Telephone all along and no one had told you!
NOW WILL YOU LET ME BE?
I said I wanted to be alone You wouldn't listen I said I don't like crowds You wouldn't listen Well I've done the deed I've taken the test I am not anti-social I am Autistic Now get off my back and let me be. 6
DO I KNOW YOU?
People don't understand or want to believe. You have difficulty recognising faces. You have difficulty remembering names. More so when trying to put them together. They laugh and they say they do too, it comes with age. I'm in my 30's! They don't understand. I have always had this problem. I have learnt ways of hiding it. It can be very embarrising at times, when you do trip up. You change your hair, The way you dress, I see you in a place I don't normally see you. I cannot recognise you. You wonder why I look hard at you for a second. Sometimes I fain regcognition. For only after talking to you for a moment I realise who you are. The person you are talking to about this, has a look on their face. You can tell they still don't seem to understand even after all this explaining. They go on their merry way. You have no idea who the where, only that they looked familiar, but cannot place them.
I Know I think out of the box I know I am different But you would not listen I'm tired of defending my actions that fall on deaf ears. I have accepted that I am who I am Without having to know the cause. But you still won't Why do I have to try and get a piece of paper from a psychologist, stating that there is something wrong with me to get you to listen? Now I've spent a small fortune I'm stuck with a label Are you listening now? Or is this still not enough? I AM AUTISIC!!!! LEAVE ME BE! 7
GET THE MESSAGE YET?
People keep saying, “Where have you been” “We've missed you” Most times in a patronising voice of some kind. Nothing makes my blood boil quicker. I said I was going to be away I said I didn't like been in crowds Yet they still ask. They don't listen. I don't tweet and twit. I don't use facebook. I don't use mixit. I barely use my cell phone. I was born before personal cell phones, computers and the internet. When cell phones were available, they cost a pretty penny and were sizes of bricks. Most didn't have computers, even when I was in high school. The internet was only something you heard about and was expensive to use. You may be addicted to your little electronic boxes. I am not. It has resulted in you constantly being in communication with someone all the time. The problem is now you don't know how to be by yourself. Well my message is this. Don't make your problem mine.
JUST PLAIN STUBBORN
Your world is difficult at times You put down your head and just carry on You are just plain stubborn Things can be overwhelming at times You take one step at a time You put down your head and just carry on You are just plain stubborn Others ignore your cries for help Or just don't understand. So you do your best to figure things out on your own. You put down your head and just carry on You are just plain stubborn You struggle to do things, others do with ease. It takes you hours, even days what others do in a few minutes. You put down your head and just carry on You are just plain stubborn While everyone else seems to know the script to life by heart You do not and seem to loose the plot at times. Others do not react well to this You put down your head and just carry on You are just plain stubborn You look back at all have done, despite all you have faced You are amazed. “I did all that?” you say in disbelief. Many of the things, you seem to be dealing quite well with in you own way. Others are surprised, knowing what ails you. It is not normal for someone like you to do some of those things willingly. You realise why. You put down your head and just carry on You are just plain stubborn Remember no matter what life throws at you, there is away to get around those stumbling blocks. If you can't go around it or over, DIG! It may take you a little longer to get there, but you will get there. The key is never to give up. So in the mean time, put your head down and just carry on. Being just plain stubborn has it's rewards!
MIND YOUR MANNERS
Mind your manners. These word I heard a lot when younger. Use your knife and fork. Not your fingers. But I hate using a knife and fork. I can't eat my food properly. I don't want them. You are told it is not good manners, especially in public. Then comes the pudding. There is only a big spoon. “Can't I have a teaspoon?” I ask. No But I can't get it in my mouth, It is too big. You get the look. The conversation is over. So you reluctantly nibble the food on the edge of the spoon. The years have passed. But at home I eat how I please. But still in public, I hear these words ring the back of my mind. Mind your Manners.
THE PICKY EATER
Such a picky eater others say. Be greatful for the food you have. Stop wasting it. There is nothing else if you don't eat that. 'If you don't eat it all up, you will not get some sweets like the others.' they would say. I don't care. I am not hungry. The look of disbelief on the person's face, 'You doesn't want sweets?' When little, I had no word to describe what I can now. To me I just didn't like the food or want the food. Now I know that certain tastes and textures get to me, Sometimes to the point I just can't eat it no matter what and I would rather go without. I don't like to mix most of my foods together and prefer they don't touch each other on the plate. I do not have a eating disorder. Though it can lead to one if not careful. I will eat other healthy things with pleasure. But I just won't eat that.
MUSTN'T BE LATE
Mustn't be late, Mustn't be late. I know the world will not fall apart if I am. But the words still are still ringing in the back of my mind. Mustn't be late. Mustn't be late. When do you have to be there? They ask. A week or so from today. Their eye brows rise. You're packed already? It's only a two day trip. I don't want to forget something. Time gets closer. More double checking. Is this all that I need or think I will need? The day comes closer. Mustn't be late. I arrive at least half and hour earlier, some times more. It gives me time to think about things. Calm my nerves before we leave. But with every appointment I have, the words still ring in my head. Mustn't be late, Mustn't be late.
WHERE IS THE ORDER?
They know you like order They know you like your routines At work things are where they need to be. At church you run the library with an iorn fist Each thing in it's place and don't you dare mess it up. Yet when they see your home they see only chaos. At times it looks like a hurricane has gone through it. They cannot understand this. This is not order But they are wrong The definition of order, is it not, the placing of things in ways to find them again when needed? There is a name for what my place looks like. Organised Chaos Yet to those looking in it is a hopeless mess But I know where everything is.
PLAYING THE PRETEND GAME
Be careful when playing the pretend game The objective is not to be found out If you are You have failed. Failure brings shame. You mustn't let people see fully who you really are. They will not understand So you do your best The 'Normal' world can be harsh if you fail. So the facade stays rigidly in place But when they see though the cracks in it, panic sets in. They mustn't see all of the real you They will not understand. So you try even harder to master the pretend game. You hope and pray that you get through this hiccup, in the game. Relief sets in when you do Till the next hiccup crops up Then you panic once more. The pretend game is not just something to amuse one self with to pass the time. It's the difference between surviving the world out there or yours falling apart infront of everyone. The last thing you want, is to be treated like some freakish thing. So be careful when playing the pretend game The objective is not to be found out If you are You have failed. Remember failure brings shame.
Many like to watch flowing water. I like water, but to play in. Many like to watch spinning things When younger I liked to spin till I fell down, then watch the world spin instead. But now just watching someone spin, sometimes makes me not feel too good. But what I have always liked, is sparkly things. They seem to mesmerise me at times Gold and silver crayons The way the light bounces off different shiny objects Things like marbles, glass figurines, even certain types of metallic paints Almost anything that allowed sunlight to sparkle through its shapes or bounce off it sparkling. My most favourite is water droplets when the sun hits them, especially on a leaf or a flower. My favourite picture when younger was of a kingfisher just had it hits the water. It was from my veiwmaster. The sunlight used to see the picture, made the water sparkle even more. I would stare at it for ages. So while others like their flowing water and spinning things, give me something sparkly and it will most likely have my undivided attention for quite a while. Well that's if it doesn't interfere with my work or with others. Otherwise I have to patiently wait till I can, then the world can carry on without me.
WHO ARE YOU?
'Who are you?' The teacher asks the question What do you mean 'who am I?' I am me. She explains. Now what? Frantic thinking. Quite a while later, put down, I am a child of God. Teacher says no religious answers. I am confused. If I'm not that, what am I? Says describe yourself. Now what? Rest of the class begin to read their responses. I listen. Write down what I think the teacher wants. But is it really me? For still inside, my first response is: I am me. 12
WHY AREN'T YOU LISTENING?
The teacher says something. She immediately asks you a question about it. But you are unable to respond. She gives the questioning look of disapproval. Why you are not listening? But I am. It's just that I can't answer right now. If she asks five minutes from now you will be able to. You know this is weird. You cannot explain it. So you do your best not to be seen in class. The less questions you are asked the better. It is not a nice feeling you get from the teacher as she gives you a look when she thinks you are not listening. Yet inside you are screaming, I am listening. I just need time to think!
THE CLUMSY ONE
The Clumsy one. That's what you are. You cannot deny it. You walk into things. You fall over things. Even your own feet at times when younger. Your 4 year old brother can beat you at a computer game. You are 6 years old! All you have to do is hit the spacebar! You sit there for hours crying, trying to get it right. He got it right in only a minute or two. You still haven't. Eating with a knife and fork is a challenge. They don't want to go where you want them to. You were 8 before you could ride your bike without training wheels. Have been to swimming lessons for years. But you are nearly 10 and a half before you can swim. You cannot hit a tennis ball in a straight line. Even now you have to work doubly as hard as most people to get certain things right. It means hours and hours of practice. But lose your concentration for just a second and your co-ordination goes out of the window. When this happens, everyone knows. You are the clumsy one.
YOU DON'T HAVE ASPERGERS
You don't have Aspergers You hear people say when you tell them. You seem fine. Even the psychologist says that, after she tells you she doesn't believe it is condition. But admits on paper you show strong signs of it. You try walking in my shoes for a day or two and see what you have to say then.
The severity of my symptoms over long periods of time ebb and flow. But I have them. Not as bad as some may get them, but I still have them. Aversion to certain smells, tastes, textures, lights, sounds and even touch. My co-ordination is up the creek. I have difficulty in: Recognising faces Hearing on the phone Spelling Processing my emotions Understanding and interacting in social situations I even have difficulty in unfamiliar places finding my way many a times Taking the scenic route to get there is not my idea of fun, especially when one is in a hurry. That's even sometimes when I use a map. But when people look at me they don't see that. They don't see the hours and hours of hard work, just to keep up the appearance that everything is fine, including the routines I have developed to get though the day or to deal with certain situations. They don't see the panic, when things start to go wrong. When they do see you do something out of the ordinary, the looks you get are not always pleasant. Or when you refuse to do what everybody else is doing, they hound you and will not listen to you. You try to explain, but have difficulty in doing so. Your conditions seems to baffle them and the reaction from most is the same every time. They just say get over yourself. I am still lucky, most of my symptoms many a times are more of an irritation to me at times, than debilitating. But the embarrassment from doing something you shouldn't have, infront of others, is very real and very unpleasant. That on its own can be very debilitating. So to those who refuse to listen. Spend some time in my world and you will soon change your tune. I do have Aspergers. It's just that I am good at hiding it.
YOU GOT LOST..... WHERE?
You got lost.... where? In the the shopping Centre. You hear and see the response of disbelief and amusement. That place is so small. In less than five minutes they knew their way around. They laugh again. You feel embarrassed Now years later you understand why you got lost. Going to new places, especially shopping Centres is not fun. Your eyes feel like they can't open wide enough to take it all in. Feels like everything is coming at you all at once. You feel off balance and disorientated, almost like you are high on something. You now learn this is not normal. Yet you had tried to tell before, but struggled to find the words. When you managed to tell them, that you felt disorientated. Everyone just told you that they too get slightly disorientated in a new place of that size, there is nothing unusual about that. But they don't fully understand what you are experiencing. You still go to shopping Centres. Have learnt ways to cope with what is happening. Look only where you need to. Focus on where you are walking. Going with someone also helps, focus on them and not whats around you when you start to feel disorientated. Some say stay away from such places. I will not. Things will be fine once I get to know the place well. Well, till they swap things around quite a bit, that is. Then I will have to learn all over again where things are. But so what? Staying away will not solve the problem. I will live my life the way I want to, not letting things like this stop me.
YOU'RE AN ADULT NOW
You hear the words You're an adult now You are 21 But inside you feel like you are still 12 years old. Things have just got harder. The fear just got more Will they realise that you are not as old as they think you are?. Some in the past have When much younger you were not acting your age, but more of your younger brother's at times. But they said that was normal there was only 2 years difference between the 2 of you. But as the years pass you too seem to notice you are not the age inside others expect you to be. The gap ever widening, no matter how you try to hide it. You feel like a child constantly trying to play pretend. At 21 you feel like a 12 year old who has been given adult responsibilities It is very overwhelming . Now even in your 30's, you still feel like a young child inside, trying to deal with an adult world at times. Some times even now you feel like you are seeing things as perhaps 12, now 13, maybe 14 year old would see the world. Yet at other times maybe even a little older. There are times when the facade fails. The looks you get when it does, only makes you want to hide your secret more. People do not understand. But do you really want to tell others? You have the intelligence of an adult But the emotions and reactions of a child at times. They will not get this. The fear of been treated as less than who you are by others is real. Knowing many would talk down to you. You are not stupid, You are not dumb. You just want them to be understanding if you react differently. Yet you know they will most likely will not. So you hold up your facade to the world. While others say you're an adult now. Inside you know you are not.
ALWAYS LAGGING BEHIND
When others tried the latest fads You did not You would analyze it first Think about it Then only do it if you felt it is worth the while This could take days, weeks, months and even years But you have learnt Jumping in with both feet like everyone else, most times leads to disaster Decisions that you come to regret later Some of them have serious consequences So you take your time Tread carefully Make sure everything is right Then go ahead To others it may look like you just aren't interested or that you are lagging behind But when you are doing a balancing act with your life Trying to keep everything together The decisions you make have far reaching consequences So while others think you are lagging behind You are not You are moving at a pace that is right for you
OUT OF THE BOX
You don't think like others You think out of the box But so what? Look back in history What do you see? Those that made the biggest contributions to the world They thought out of the box True you may not be a genius like many It doesn't mean you can't make a difference. You still can Help others to see things from your angle Help them too, to think out of the box Imagine a world where no one is in their own little world A box so small That they do not see there are other ways of seeing things How much better this world would be If we all thought out of the box.
HANGING ON FOR DEAR LIFE
Everyone has a part of them they do not reveal to others Only yours is a bit more As you grow up you realise you are not like everyone else You know not why You have learnt to show that difference, brings looks of disapproval Yet you have broken no laws that you know of and do not understand why So you try bury that part of as deep as you can Hang onto it so tightly Fearing to let go To do so, would mean loss of control and others seeing You do not want those looks The years pass and nothing changes Then you discover why you are like you are Though you only tell only a few why You start to let go The freedom it brings The relief The load has been lifted But still a large part of you still wants to hang on for dear life, to that part of you that was hidden Will you truly be able to let go? You know it will take time But life is much better knowing whats wrong Denying it only makes things harder, if not, much worse
THE UNWRITTEN RULES
You get the look. What? You shouldn't have done that. Done what? You broke the rules. What rules? You don't know of any rules written down, that say you can't. Not all rules are written down. If they are not written down, how are you supposed to know them? You just do. You have no idea what they are talking about. You get the look once more, but no one explains 18
I WANT TO BE ALONE
I don't mind being around people some of the time But I need my alone time The constant bombardment of things happening around me Constantly trying to readjust to it It is very draining I just need to get away from it Being constantly being on my toes Must not make a mistake Can be very stressful People say you don't have to take part You can just sit there and watch They do not understand Even just sitting there trying to be invisible is still too much The noise The going ons And people will never truly let you be You are continually trying to fend them off You are tired of doing so The looks you get are not always pleasant So when I say no Or want to be alone Please respect my decision
For most of the time in your life you are a wallflower You fly under the radar Many a times you have tried to move away from the wall Only to end in disaster You learn quickly it is far safer to remain by the wall You are not subjected to looks When you get things wrong or cannot keep up People tend to forget wallflowers are there They leave you alone No unwanted attention they give So you remain where you are observing the world as it goes by
THE TIGHTROPE WALKERS
The tightrope stretches before you It is so thin It is so high up You feel dizzy You are scared How are you going to get across this? You haven't been trained You have no idea what you are supposed to do You look to your right You see your friend, who stands at his rope He gives you a smile and a thumbs up He is not scared He can't wait to get started You are both handed some items and told to take them to the other side You both take a step There is no going back You hesitate You look at your friend Your eyes grow wide He is juggling his items Then he dances across like it was a 6 lane highway How is that possible? The audience cheers and begs for more You look at the rope It is so thin Holding on tightly to your items, you take the next step Your balance is going You take a few quick steps to try to regain it You fail You drop some of your items The audience becomes quiet You take a few steps more You loose your balance again This time you fall You catch the rope You cannot stand up, so you inch along The audience boos You get to the end What a relief You and your friend climb down He is congratulated and carried on shoulders Those that notice you, do not look happy Everyone leaves 20
You are alone You look up at the tightrope of life and know tomorrow you have to do it all over again The fear hits you again What if you fall once more? But you know you have no choice So you head out the door, fearing what the next day will bring.
WOE IS ME
Woe is me That's the reaction many psychologists and psychiatrists think you will have You sitting in a corner crying Woe is me If they acknowledge you have Aspergers That's not true What utter nonsense I am stronger than they think I am not an ostrich like them Sticking one's head in the sand never solved anything If you deny there's a problem How are you to face it? To know if you can learn to deal with or over come it? So to all the psychologists and psychiatrists out there that think like this. Wake up and smell the roses And take your head out of the sand!
YOUR INNER STRENGTH
Many say: You are so strong You are coping with what? How are you able to do what you do? You are always smiling when I see you How do you do it? This I can tell you One cannot deny it That strength is there when you need it the most When you come to the end of your tether When you think you cannot no more It fills you with hope You know he is there So give him your thanks and your praises And never forget Heavenly Father is there 21
ALWAYS BEEN MISUNDERSTOOD
You open you mouth and say something Yet it seems no one hears you It got lost in translation You try once more You say your say again Yet they still don't seem to be listening It got lost in translation once more It's got corrupted some how How is this possible? We speak the same language You try a third time It still does not work You are given the look or reprimanded for your trouble Your reaction to this, is to keep quiet Don't make a scene The frustration it brings How do you get them to understand?
I HATE FORMS
The paper is placed before you Great another form Where do you start? All the words are coming all at the same time So you take a deep breath You try to take it all in Now that you see more than a jumble of words But the requests of information are not clear Are they wanting this or that? You are frustrated You write carefully You think you are done You ask to make sure it is all there They seems satisfied You are relieved It is now over But you are not happy A single page has taken 10 – 15 minutes to fill in But you know sometimes it can be longer. 22
Many people say that those with Aspergers have no imagination Is that so? No it is not Mine is just different Mine does not always come quickly True mine was structured to some degree My playmobile dolls had to be the same colour for families Our lego was was mostly to do with cops and the hospital Barbie and Ken were family orientated stories But so what? There are so many variations to what each of those story lines could be. As I got older stories began to run around in my head But how to put it to paper? I didn't know how It took years, before I began to It is still takes time at times. It comes in waves Sometimes seeing what others have to say about a certain subject helps It unlocks the door, to let me get started But my imagination is there
THE RAT RACE
Hurry, Hurry, Hurry This should have been finished yesterday I cannot wait, I need this right NOW! People hoot for they feel the car infront of them is not going fast enough 20 000 things to do and only 24 hours to do it in For me I have no choice But in a way its good I have to take things slower Otherwise I will not survive Everywhere I look Everyone is in the same rat race They are stressed They become ill because of it It may take me longer to do things In the end it will get done The chaos and the rushing This is not for me
PAPERLESS IS BETTER
Give me a computer any day I don't like pen and paper I write too slow I press too hard My hand gets sore after a while You are given a form to fill in How on earth are you supposed to get all that information in such a small space My hand writing is at least twice the size of yours I used to write in cursive But at times I couldn't read my own hand writing Now I only print But as I said give me a computer My spelling is atrocious My ideas are very scattered I can go over and over my work without having to re-write everything Thank goodness for the internet Spelling checkers are a great help If I couldn't do it this way I wouldn't even attempt to write down my works So many trees would have to be sacrificed My poor hand would not survive Let alone my patience
WHICH IS BETTER?
It is a question I have often asked myself. To be aware that I am not always doing things the way others do The looks I get at times because of it. Then the upward battle to make sure you don't do it again Or to be blissfully unaware Of the looks or of my actions not being exactly right But then I think of the heartache this may cause My parents do not deserve to have that They have sacrificed and dealt with so much So as I think of this dilemma I know what the answer will be But still at times you do wish That life was not always feeling like Mount Everest While others seem to be crossing life with ease
PLEASE DON'T TOUCH ME THAT WAY!
“How are you my dear?” she says She pats you on the arm as she greets you You want to get away You can't, she's holding you by the wrist She continues to pat your arm with her other hand as she talks Someone please help me! You want to climb the walls You've got to get away But you are helpless till she lets go She eventually lets go Thank goodness! Oh, no! Another person comes to greet you They place their arm around you as they talk You cringe once more Why must they hang onto you? At last you are free of them. Then someone hugs you from behind You stiffen Not again! You don't mind getting hugs But they must let you know it's coming I don't mind a hug or handshake But to all of you out there Please take note If I do not return the greeting or stiffen at your touch Please let go Remember for the next time Please don't touch me that way.
THE BEE IN MY BONNET
I've got a bee in my bonnet I have got to do this thing right now I cannot wait If I do, it will not get done I have learnt to harness the bee in my bonnet Focus it in the direction I need to go But do not disrupt I cannot get restarted It is extremely hard to do so It will lie there unfinished So while I have this bee in my bonnet I will go all out By the end of it I will be exhausted But much will be done So when you see me with a bee in my bonnet Please do not disrupt me You can ask me if I need help But if I say no Do not insist Leave me alone So I can get it done quickly For once this bee in my bonnet is gone You can have my undivided attention
ARE YOU OK?
The tears are coming The nose is running Are you ok? They ask There is no need to be upset That's just it I am not upset This is very embarrassing I am just nervous But I do not have total control So when I am nervous Agitated or even just slightly upset This is the result that you get 26
THE COLLECTION BUG
I like to collect things And many different things over the years Many are not like what others would Some is not voluntary It just happens But the urge is always there Radio Stories I do not like listening to music in general So radio stations are a pain You can't get your work done if you are stuck in front of the TV Remembering random facts But have difficulty in remembering formulas or whole subjects Remembering TV schedules and what the programs are about Though I didn't studied it Remembering the almost all the books I've read But only if you show me the book, can I tell you if I have Do not ask me the Authors or names of the books I may only remember a few at random Be warned do not let me into a second hand bookstore they may be left bare These are just a few such things I like to collect But let it be known Thankfully I am not much of a horder If things get too much they will be gone
DIFFICULTY IN EXPLAINING
Others talk with ease Explaining their world to others I have extreme difficulty with this Speaking face to face about my world This is not for me But have found it best to write What you want from me It takes time to answer as best as I can do Of what you want from me But even then I do not always get it right 27
THE SOUND OF AN ARGUMENT
You turn on the TV You watch Dr Phil You watch a real court case You watch to the end But not me When the arguing starts The pitch of their voices change I don't feel real good I am uncomfortable I've got to stop watching I've got to get out of the room Change the channel Turn off the TV Just make it stop It's made me feel agitated Want to curl into a ball The strange part is, that if this was a movie It would most likely not affect me that way But if someone shows just the slightest agitation to another in real life All I want to do is get away The sound of someone pulling ones fingernails across a chalkboard, is better than this
UNLOCKING THE DOOR
A key has been turned It's opened a door The words are now tumbling I've got to keep up Or all will be lost I cannot explain it But words are now found How long they will stay I do not know So while they are here I'll make the most of them Explain what I'm feeling Explain what has been For tomorrow the words may be gone The struggle returns So while I can Here is my voice This is what it means to be me
WHAT'S THE POINT OF IT ALL?
I am not perfect by any means But one things for sure I find it harder than many to lie What's the point of it all? Some say it makes things easier Others say they it's the only way to get ahead in life Others get rich But as I said What's the point of it all? You are going to be found out Weather it's now or after you die When you're standing before him The Master will ask Why you did that Your head will be hung low The punishment hard So the question is this What's the point of it all?
AN AUTOMATIC REACTION
You've unknowingly trained yourself well A question is asked You answer without thinking But when you take the time to think of the question You now realise the answer is wrong But as you grew up You learned your lesson well The answer you have given Is the one you think that they want or the nearest to what you cannot say Back then you had no words to describe what was happening So you answered without thinking To a script that you knew Now you have found the right answers But it's still hard not to answer without thinking But slowly that's changing Hopefully one day There will be no answers without thinking. 29
While most show their feelings at a drop of a hat Many a times you cannot It takes time for what has happened to sink in Then the feelings hit The result can be Feeling like a dear caught in headlights To others they may think You do not care As you do not react as they had expected For at times You have no idea what to do with you emotions Which can be very confusing or overwhelming Because of this when someone asks How are you feeling? You are unable to find the words To express what you are feeling
I LIKE ORDER
While most live according to the chaos theory I do not I like my world to be a bit more orderly Most things in it's place I do not mind small changes Or major ones if given time to process it But I do not like been disrupted When a time limit has been placed I've got to do this in order Otherwise disaster might take place Strange as it may be I do not like when others change my schedule But when I do it myself, I am ok with it I guess the reason for that Is that I can take my time While with others Most times they do not give me time.
If I were from Uganda And did what I had done You would not give me a look of disapproval You would help me learn the culture Guide me along the way If I were from Russia And did what I had done You would not give me a look of disapproval You would help me learn the culture Guide me along the way But because I sound like you Look like you Then I do not always react like you You do not Yet I am too just visiting
You've been dragged here You don't want to be here The musics too loud The flashing lights are too much There's too many people You don't want to dance You have 2 left feet stuck in cement So you sit outside Away from most of the noise While you wait for the others Wishing this night would be over
Would you like some lemonade? She asks It's homemade You reply that you would You have never had it before You've heard people talk about how nice it is So you wait in anticipation She hands you the glass This does look good You take a sip Oh, my word! Your face screws up What on earth is this stuff? That is not sweet and delicious as everyone said It is most bitter It is most vile How can anyone drink this stuff? It would have been easier If she gave you the peal to chew The results would have been the same Only a lot quicker A lot less hassle for her to prepare Since then you have learned That your taste buds cannot handle certain tastes Like with citrus, where the peal is to be used Nomatter how much sugar they use!
PLAYING WITH CHILDREN
When playing with young children I am more at ease No needing to pretend to fit in Or worry that you may do wrong They do not judge So long as you enthral them in their world They are happy Which allows me co come out Happy and carefree 32
THE INVISIBLE BARRIER
You see the world You want to take part You want to connect But you're unable to do so There's an invisible barrier between You are unable to tell What you want or you need When you try The message doesn't get through There's an invisible barrier between People can't seem to see it or understand But it is there No matter how much you or they try to deny it There's an in visible barrier between At times it's like watching a play You are there as things happen But you cannot take part There's an in visible barrier between
As I now look back on the stories I've written Before I had words to describe as I do now I have discovered The realization is quite shocking I already unknowingly knew the answers way back then A lot of what my characters experienced or who they are In some ways had a started in mine In a way it is quite spooky And as I continue to uncover Understand more of what goes on I'm beginning to see more of me in these stories of mine.
You want to dance in the rain Out in the open But the looks that one gets Make you want to hold back You want to build sandcastles Out on the beach But the looks that one gets Make you want to hold back You do not like crowds You want to go where you will not be bothered But you can't get away You've got to be there For the crime is too high There is so much that you would like to do But the looks that one gets Make you want to hold back It hurts you deep down inside When they look at you that way Like you've done something most horribly wrong When all that you've done Is to be all of yourself Yet no laws have been broken So you do your best to avoid those looks But as time passes on You are screaming inside You want to get out You want to be all of you But you know that you can't It will hurt a lot more So you hold back Only letting all out you out When you know that it's safe
THE SLOW POKE
I was almost always one of the last to finish things in class If I tried to rush it Things would be even more untidy My co-ordination completely out the door While others made their decisions now I would take my time Think it over most carefully While most people I know are speed freaks Most times I do not go faster than 60 k/m an hour Which most of them pass quite speedily on their way to their top speed Everyone else is rushing, rushing, rushing I take my time on things I know I do take longer But it will get done But if I tried to live my life like yours My world would end in shambles Things would not get done Quite frankly it would leave my head spinning Not knowing what was going on.
I may miss some body language and expressions people show at times But the one that hurts and affects me most I am cursed to know To me the look people give That says they are extremely disappointed in me Like a parent would a child With the threatening look behind it Just wait missy till we get home You are in big trouble now! Most times I have no idea What I did wrong But I do my best Not to do it again Of what you think I may have done But the feeling one gets From the look that they give Makes you want the ground to swallow you whole 35
WHEN INSPIRATION HITS
The wave of inspiration hits Oh great look at the time It's nearly passed midnight Most of times during the day I'm as dry as the perverbal desert But when it's time for bed or much later The rains begin to fall I am greatful for these waves of inspiration They are helping me to express What was once locked away for so long But there is just one thing Why can't these waves of inspiration come at a more convenient time?
Always lagging behind Always been misunderstood An Automatic Reaction Are you ok? Bee in my bonnet, The Broken Telephone Clumsy one, The Collection bug, The Dance, The Difficulty in explaining Do I know you Feelings Get the message yet? Hanging on for dear life I hate forms I like order I want to be alone Invisible barrier, The Ironie, The Just plain stubborn Just visiting Lemonade Longing, The Look, The Mind your manners Mustn't be late No imagination? Now will you let me be? Out of the box Paperless is better Picky eater, The Playing the pretend game Playing with children Please don't touch me that way! Rat race, The Realization, The Slow poke, The Something is just not right Sound of an argument, The Sparkly things Tightrope walkers, The Unlocking the door Unwritten rules, The Wallflower, The What's the point of it all? When Inspiration hits Where is the order? Which is better? Who are you? Page 17 22 29 26 26 5 13 27 31 27 6 30 7 18 22 30 19 33 6 8 31 32 34 35 9 10 23 5 17 24 9 11 32 25 23 33 35 4 28 12 20 28 18 19 29 36 10 24 12 37
Why aren't you listening? Woe is me You don't have Aspergers You got lost …..Where? Your inner strength You're an adult now
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