I wanna meet myself!

Before I meet myself I would like to tell you who am I.
I am Kuldeep Bhatnagar. That’s it a full stop a big full stop. This is the only thing which I can say about me because Kuldeep is a very common name but as a person as Kuldeep Bhatnagar I am unknown how people can know me? What I have done? Zilch. I have done zilch despite of having dreams in mind, ambition in life jealousy from others success, keen interest to rise, wish to reach at top, desire to succeed, then why I am unknown? Why? A big why? Because I have dreams but to fulfill them first I have to wake up, I have ambition but not the desperation, enthusiasm, willingness, to achieve it, I have keen interest to rise but I am always afraid of falling. I wish to reach at top but I have vertigo problem. I know my destination but do not know the way which will lead me to it. That’s why I am unknown Kuldeep Bhatnagar is unknown. That makes me feel ashamed. Why I can not do things which others can do? What n where I lack? I have so so personality, I am an eloquent person, I can make friends easily, I know what I have to do, I know what I want to be. Now I tell you where I am lacking. I have so-so personality but as a person I am zero. I am eloquent person but I do not use my eloquency at right time and right place. I can make friends easily and that’s my biggest problem, I know what I have to but I do not know how? I know what I want to be but that does not matter what matters is what you are doing for what you what you want to be. My predicament is like everything is crystal clear to me but I am not opening my eyes because I know my drawbacks. I do not know why I am making my simple life an enigma for myself. But now I have decided I will convert my mental spasm in to enthusiasm, will produce the zeal to treat the deal, I will be player instead of spectator; will be a worker in spite of speculator. I will learn how to fix priorities, I will be careful not careless, will be hopeful not hopeless And this is my promise to you with full determination, desperation and comprehension I will reach to zenith

And then you will know Kuldeep not only as name but as a name of fame as a person as KULDEEP BHATNAGAR, a dreamer and achiever. This is what I know about myself till date, and I am confused about myself and to stand on my promise I need to know myself, I want to know my true identity, my real self, In short I

want to meet myself!

what confused me is, right from my grad life I have seen my different faces, and I was amazed by myself, it was unbelievable for me that I can be like this or I can do this also. Every day I met with a new Kuldeep, good kd, bad kd, best kd, the worst kd and every kind of kd was there to surprise me. So if you also want to know me or you want to help me to meet myself lets come with me and have a ride in time machine towards my grad days,,,,,,,,,,,,lets go…………………..

Let’s begin with end…..
It would be awkward but that’s how I am; I am starting the story with end, I have a valid reason for that. It will direct me that where should I take the whole story, and the benefit for you is that you don’t have to wait till end to know the end,,,,, Hello, I am I am ummmmmmmmm…. Let me think……….even I don’t know who am I, I am still in quandary about that, okay let me tell you what I know, I know about my present my past and little about my future and this knowledge has created pandemonium for me. I am confused who, forget who but what is important for me is WHAT I am. Currently I am a management student, I am a regular student as I hate absenteeism, I am indulged in every activity of college except studies, and people say I am responsible hmmmmmmmm??????????? People say I am sincere??????????? I am sensible????????? I am disciplined?????????????????? That’s where my problem starts when I look in to my past I find a completely different kd or I should say opposite one, am I changed? My old pals say no, but the comments, compliments from my new mates forces me to think about that. Yup I wanted to change myself but without changing the basic kd , I just wanted to improve my self but……..not on cost of my real self……. Once again a debatable issue REAL MYSELF what is that real my self????????? Lets find out …………………..

Grad days
Counseling day
Look that guy struggling with his papers and folder and with his mind, that’s me. Just came to Udaipur far apart from parents to stay with Da ji and Dadi ji. And I was struggling with myself that have I taken a right decision to come at Udaipur?, because the scene in front of me was like….like…like like I don’t know what to say, I was expecting a cool gentry over here but what I found made me cold. I was between people who were more or less like village folks, but now nothing can be done about that. Phas Gaye miya kd. I was waiting for my turn for counseling, I heard some thing some body called me, I turned around, and a creature that looked like a girl was standing in front of me, “pehchana?” Nna but… “Arey I am Arpita” I think you are mistaken, do we know each other? “You are Kuldeep and we were together at PMT crash course” I nodded but believe me still I don’t know that when she was with me? Then she started her story “I wasn’t selected in pmt and hard luck just due to 2%” I never understand why every body lacks behind by just 1or2 %. “What happened with you?” I crashed in exam after that crash course and then tried once more and crashed more badly. “So how come, here?” I never understand why people ask such silly questions what am I expected to do over there, to admit my kid over there?. But I gave the expected answer. At last she said the long awaited sentence, “ok see you later, I may join this college if I didn’t got admission in ICAR or Pharmacy” phew……. what a tough conversation was that,. Anyways now it was called for my turn and I got admission for a different combination then that, what I wanted. I went home and called pa,’pa I want to gat back I dint got what I wanted’ but he asked me to wait for few days because a re counseling was there. So I was left with no option.

FIRST DAY
I entered in the massive building that looked more like an old ruined palace rather than a college. Looked time table, and started searching for class room. And for the whole hour my search continued, and it was time for next period, but now my courage for attending college, was lost. I sat on internet at plaza, a thought came to my mind lets smoke, so what that you haven’t touched ciggy from last two years, just one! I took one, the same old brand Marlboro lights. That gave me immense pleasure. Returned to home and sweet dreams, in the evening I found inner kd urging for one more ciggy; okay let’s have an evening walk till circle. And

it became a routine than…college….plaza….sleep….circle and 2 ciggy a day.

New class new people…
After few days I got the subjects I wanted and then I left Udaipur for Ma’s place just wanted a break from that bull shit routine. Came back after one and a half month, idea of going to college was horrifying, going again between same ajeeb kind of log. The only different thing was my section, my class. I was standing outside class and I found somebody gawking at me, I simply don’t like this I started the same thing I thought he may come to me but he went away. in next few minutes I found that guy sitting beside me in class. We dint talked with each other, ego problem, but don’t know whose problem was that mine or his. I observed my class mates, there were 18 students 10 were gals and rest were boys, you can do this much calculations, that how many boys were there, I guess. Boys were quite but gals as usual were busy in wrestling with words, some times I wonder what about gals talk, they know less but they have hell lot of things to talk about, they even don’t need a topic to speak they just speak. After that class we moved to another room for next class that was the worst part, for every class a different room was there, so whole day you keep going up and down. In this class there were around 60 students and I was not at all in mood to attend that I was about to leave for plaza, I felt some one was coming behind me, I turned around, I found a guy smiling to me “hi I am Abhishek, we are in the same class” ‘the name is kd if it interests you’ “why are you leaving early?” ‘Not in mood’ “okay, coming tomorrow?” ‘Yup’ “where are you going now?” ‘Plaza’ “may I join you” ‘yap sure, That was the first guy of Udaipur whom with I talked. I was happy that at least some body is there whom I can talk with.

Fresher party
Next day we found that there is a fresher party that day, I and Abhishek were sitting together. There were songs, dances, and one minute contests, for one such contest we raised our hand to compete, we were on stage with two girls for a stupid game, and one who will stick more bindis on face will win. And to my amazement Abhishek won. We came back to our seats, “what a cool piece she is” ‘who’ “that green suit

who played with us” ‘she is in our class’ “wish me luck, hope I make her talk with me” ‘all the best’ Now the Mr. Fresher and Ms. Fresher contest begun they selected me…..hey hold on they selected me as participant. There was introduction round, performance round and question round; I was going well at least people were listening to me, because I used the language they want to hear HINDI. And according to my jatt buddhi I sang ‘mai nikla gaddi le ke ‘in performance which was appropriate according to the audience. Result: I was first runner up. I felt little low but I was happy that I tried. I congratulated the winner, his reply was anger awakening. He said I knew the result every judge is known to me. But that made me feel like a winner. Ethically I was the winner not that cheater. But that fresher party gave me popularity mileage. And I was happy by my act. Next day Abhishek was searching for that green suit, we found her in library “please you start” ‘ok’ ‘hi m kd may I know your name please?’ “Abbey you know the name then why are you asking “this was the dumbest act of his, and really I did not know her name, she replied IA M G.S. Abhishek started conversation with her I was just there as his moral booster I guess! Days passed away and I and Abhishek were just passing time over there in college both of us were not at all interested in attending college Abhishek was only change in my routine except it every thing was same collegeplaza-home a nap-circle and two butts a day. One day Abhishek said he is leaving as he got selected in biotechnology, so he left the college. Now I was alone again. Well no worries I was back to my old routine.

New friends came in:
I was bugged up my routine one day I was not in mood to attend the class so I bunked and was just moving to bhatta (a place in front of coll where guys can get sutta, tea and refreshment) I was in mood of fag, somebody disrupted me in between, “hi I am Ashish Kuldeep” ‘yap I am Kuldeep, but how do you know my name? “No boss I dint knew your name but my name is Ashish kuldeep” don’t know why we both smiled “do you smoke?” I said I do. He introduced me with 3 more guys Abhinav, Amod and

Mukesh. Mukesh was the same guy who I found gawking at me very first day. We all were in same section. From that day we five were together every time. Sixth person joined in, himanshu a big time dumbo, but tolerable one. Then raju joined us and we became a group of 7 That’s where we started fun teasing lecturers, comments, singing songs loudly in corridor; I mean we were in our own world. Slowly the group grew and we became 22 guys and believe me we were like a gang every body among us was non social element of class, but we marked our presence in college in a very short span of time, but the pilot group of we 6 was more close to each other.

Royal fateh group
That was a new beginning for me; we were having every kind of fun, before attending class we used to gather at bhatta and then a round of sutta, friends gave me a second name PACKET coz I used to keep a packet of lights every time with me, and my 2 ciggy became how much I don’t know. I was almost a chain smoker, okay where I was?????/???? yap after bhatta we used to go to nearest theka, quarter each n then entering college together, sitting in the auditorium and giving marks to girls crossing from there, according to their appearance “ ye 5_ nai yar just 4 look at her 8- if she is 8 then my doggy is 8.5” these were some of the conversations, singing songs in class, bunking classes is something not to be mentioned ya but attending classes was something unique for us. I people started calling me kul sa instead of kd and used to wish me by namastey instead of helo and hi, that was something which I dint liked but my impression over there was of gunda don’t know why but that was the reality. We cared for no body classmates, seniors or faculties once even I intrigued an M.Sc student. And taking intro of people of same class was regular activity of mine. One day we planned a daru party at fateh sagar we all 22, so we purchased some snacks cold drinks, cigarettes, and bottles in black just to get cheaper liquor. We were in to fateh sagar coz some area of it was dry and we were enjoying till the time bottles finished and every body got talli. A tally among us said we should give name to our group, another talli proposed ROYAL FATEH GROUP and it was accepted by rest of the talliz then a PRATIGYA ceremony was held all talliz promised each other to stay with each other in any condition, and after that the worst part I was taking

care of talliz who were vomiting, falling and roaming here and there, thanks to my pa ki I am born talli and I am always in senses after drinking.

Found a true friend

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