Beastly

(2011)
Im not even going to try to write a straight review of this film. Its a modern retelling of the Beauty and the Beast story, plugging in modern young Hollywood stars in the main roles simply because theyre hot (in a career sense, although that also applies to their looks); whats worse, in doing my usual cursory research before I write a review, it turns out this is based on a book, which means someone was paid to re-write Beauty and the Beast. American popular culture may not be dead, but it certainly seems stuck in an infinite feedback loop, where we only make about eight movies and just change the names. Enough griping already. So why did I sit through this movie? Because both Bandslam and Sucker Punch convinced me that Vanessa Hudgens can act (more the former movie) and is just about the most beautiful young woman on the planet. If I can make it through Whiteout for Kate Beckinsale (oi), I can sit through this tripe for Hudgens, whom I could probably enjoy in a film where all she did was read the phone book. Silently. Its a proven fact that a mans IQ dips after he sees a pretty woman, which explains why I didnt hate this movie. You know whats going to happen the entire time (its friggin Beauty and the Beast, and an unsubtle version at that), and a lot of it is corny and contrived, but there are some good moments in it. Most of them involve Hudgens, whos even yummier than usual here, but Neil Patrick Harris is also enjoyably sharp as a blind tutor (could have used more of him, he was really good). Oh, and heartthrob-of-the-moment Alex Pettyfer plays the arrogant jackass who is made ugly (really, he just looks like an extra from Beyond Thunderdome); Pettyfers okay, he was enjoyable in the Roswell rip-off I am Number Four, and Im sure the girls find him easy on the eyes. I did scratch my head at the casting of one of the Olsen Twins (I cant tell them apart) as the witch who casts the spell; are we making a gentle stab at social commentary there, or did some casting director actually get her for her name? Shes not awful here playing a sort of shady Stevie Nicks, though I was glad she wasnt in it much, as I cant take her or her sister all that seriously. The movie mostly moves along by the numbers and coasts nicely on its own airiness, interspersed by some nice jabs by Harris and, well, lots of glossy close-ups of Hudgens, who once again is supposed to play a social outcast (really? looking like that? really?). Theres a half-assed effort to address shallowness in youth culture, but thats beyond the scope of this film (to see it covered with wit and verve, check out Josie and the Pussycats); were here to give teenage girls something to moon about, and in that aim the movie succeeds in spades. The ending is a little abrupt (and feels like it doesnt quite add up), but honestly, I didnt care; after ogling Hudgens for an hour and a half, they could have stitched on the non-ending from Blazing Saddles and I wouldnt have minded. July 3, 2011