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The life of someone who learned everything the hard way.
This book allows you to see life through my eyes. Travel with me through poetry, quotes, and short stories that helped me get through life. ©2009 By: Enjoli Baker this book may only be reproduced by LuLu.com
Dedication I dedicate this book to my mother who is the love of my life. She always told me that I could be whatever I wanted to be. Life has been hard and life has been filled with happiness. I am glad I had a wonderful mother to share it with. Mom I want to thank you for being you, you’re the best. Mom this one is for you enjoy!
Table of Contents 2. Dedication 3. List of Contents 1 4. List of Contents 2 5. List of Contents 3 6. List of Contents 4 7. List of Contents 5 8. Quotes 9. This Life…….. 10. Mind Wonders 11. My Thoughts 2 12. Quotes 13. I Want to Tell You a Story… 14. Stuck 15. Window to My Heart 16. Smoke 17. Figure It Out 18. Fire 19. Not There Anymore 20. Say You Didn’t Mean It 21. A Name 22. Secret Letter 23. Got to Have It 24. Dust 25. A Segment 26. What Was I Thinking? 27. Second Segment 28. 3rd Segment 29. Believe In Our Love 30. Untitled #43 31. Now I’ve Figured It Out 32. Caramel Charm 33. Brown Skin 34. What If I 35. My Head 36. Questions 37. Untitled 22 38. Suddenly Confused 39. Real Feelings 2002 40. Speak to Me 41. Secret Connection 42. Untitled #33 43. Lifetime 44. How Can You Call Yourself a Man?
45. My thoughts 99 46. My thoughts 98 47. I Don’t Understand 48. Lonely Days 49. I Waited 50. When Will You 51. What Should I Do? 52. Do Not Disturb Me 53. You Can Be 54. Chill Mode 55. What Really Happened? 56. Depressed 57. A Pause 58. Short Thoughts 59. True Side of Loneliness 60. She 61. The Night 62. Isolated 63. Falling Apart 64. I Will Never Forget You 65. With or Without 66. Dear Emotions 67. The Lumberjack and the Trees 68. The Hidden One 69. Broke Jan 7, 2004 70. Proof that God Loves Me 11/23/2003 71. Lucky Number 7 72. The Week 73. While Waiting to See You 74. Simply Beautiful 75. The Thought of It 76. A New Time in Life 77. Wishing I Was There With You 78. Untitled #100 79. Life….Again 80. For the One Who Had Me…. 81. A Friend 82. A Matter of Understanding 83. All 84. Are 85. Being a Mother 86. Believe 87. Black Brotha 88. Black Butterfly 89. Black History 90. Can I Survive
91. Chances 92. Cookies ‘n’ Cream 93. Dark Life 94. Dear Heart 95. Dear Soul 96. Dying Earth 97. Do You 98. Don’t Give Up 99. Down This Road 100. Dreaming 101. Empty Reaches 102. Falling For You 103. Far Away 104. Get Out Of My Life 105. He 106. Heart Of Stone 107. How 108. I Can’t Believe 109. I Pretend 110. If You Believe 111. It Was Me 112. It’s Not Easy 113. It’s To Good To Be True 114. I’ve Learned 115. Life In a Closed Wrapper 116. Life’s Story 117. Looking 118. Many Ways 119. Mentally 120. My Angel 121. My Broken Hands 122. My Dream 123. My Needs 124. My Past 125. My Place 126. My thoughts 1 127. One of Life's Lessons 128. Only You 129. Reflections 130. Seed 131. Silent Whispers 132. Simple 133. Sitting Here 134. Slightly Confused 135. Sounds of the Heart 136. Special Call
137. Suddenly You Turn Around and………… 138. The 4 Little Girls 139. The Days 140. The Desert 141. The End 142. The Last Time 143. The Lonely Heart 144. The Lost One 145. The Love Of My Life 146. The New Girl 147. There 148. Through the Storms 149. Tomorrow 150. Twisted Mind 151. I 152. Untitled 2 153. What 154. When I 155. When I Went Away From You 156. When You 157. Wherever You Are 158. Wind 159. Winning 160. You Never 161. You 162. You Took Me Away 163. Dear Life 164. All I Want Is You 165. All You Have Done 166. Am I Really Strange 167. Everyday of My Life 168. Feeling Blue 169. Feelings 170. Forget The Past 171. How I Feel Now..... 172. Just A Little More 173. Last Time for Love 174. Leave Me Alone 175. Let Me Be 176. Life is Like a Highway 177. Lonely 178. Me First 179. My Own Little Park 180. On My Own 181. Peanut Butter and Jelly 182. Your Love Touched Me
183. Secret Letter#20 184. Spring Time 185. Suicide 186. Sweet Prince 187. The Place I Once Knew 188. The Road Ends Here 189. Then Came You…… 190. Why? 191. Who Is He? 192. Where to Find Love 193. What Is Love 194. Voices of The Night 195. Turning My Life Around
Quotes If you want to understand someone open up your heart If you can’t hear what someone is saying then try to listen If you want to fight check to see if your battle is already won If you stop trying you start dying Doing believing and believing is achieving If you’re in darkness turn on the light If you want to get somewhere quick in your life stop letting people slow you down If you don’t know where you are going stop moving If you want to get things done stop giving only 50% If your going to fall in love you must no how to fall If you want people to think highly of you stop downing yourself If you want to reach the end of the tunnel you must find the light Don’t go and get something you already had If you want something what are you waiting for? Go out and get it Change yourself before you try to change the world
This Life…….. This life that I have is sometimes horrible; I don’t understand why every time I think I am making progress the road just ends. I am tired of never being able to do things myself. I am tired of living sometimes; I don’t think I am even scared to die anymore. I am sick and tired of dealing with angry people. Letting them use me when they want to, abuse me, and act anyway they want to. I have dealt with this same situation earlier in life. And to tell you the truth I am sick of it. I thought things would be better for me somehow but I guess I was wrong maybe sleeping on the floor is better. Anyway I thought life was looking up as I moved and went to school. But you know some things don’t get better. I was first with this guy, I won’t mention his name. Anyway I thought he was cool but now I know that when he first showed signs of anger I should have left. I am so tired of him I am trying to break free but for some reason it gets harder and harder. Lord knows I want to leave him, because I just can’t take this anymore. I like everyone else in the house but him. I deserve to be treated better he thinks that just because you spend money on someone that means you have done everything. I mean after all I have become more mature than ever. I don’t club as much as I used to, I don’t even go out as much as I used to. Right now I should be happy but I am not. After all when things changed they really just stayed the same. I am so stressed out for the first time in a long time, and I don’t know what to do about it. I need a good friend right now, because there are no instant cures for this type of thing. I mean this other person switches attitudes like I switch panties. And sometimes you should just let things blow over. If you see that things are not working then find a way to get out of it. Don’t give up like a pure jackass all of the time. Should I give up school? I don’t think so. But sometimes I want to quit only because of the things I am going through not because of school. Anyway I need help a load off, a vacation simply perfect. When will I ever get a release, a breath of fresh air in my life? Some people are so immature and what will they do without you not much right? Nothing from nothing equals nothing as far as I am concerned. Lord help me please because this is very difficult for me to deal with. But is it worth dieing for? I guess not or maybe it is. I need something else but I do not know what it is. Is all of this happening because I am missing God in my life? Maybe so but right now I need some clear answers. Help! Well anyway people want to do things on there own time, when you want to talk they don’t. When you don’t want to talk they do and it is like a lose, lose situation I don’t understand it at all. And then what makes it so bad is that people know what you have been through and then they want to bring it up like it was something funny. What kind of crap is that supposed to be? I think it is very rude, and when these things happen it is time for you to go. Anyway I sometimes get myself in a situation where either way I go I can lose something like school, or where I live. And it is like that just because I do not save money. Isn’t that a shame? Well I seem to think so. I need to start doing better some how but saving some money and getting the hell out of dodge. I mean the littlest thing that I don’t do causes me to lose out well not this time. I will not be a fool again and that’s for sure.
Mind Wonders If you have problems sleeping, think of the homeless who has no where to sleep. If you happen to lose the one you love, think about a person who does not know what love is. If you ever get tired of listening to a friend’s problem, think of what a deaf person will do just to hear anyone. If your car ever breaks down, think of someone who could never own a car. If you lose your job think of someone who couldn’t work for two months. If you keep making mistakes, think of someone who didn’t get the chance to make many. If you only own two pieces of clothing, think of someone who has never had money to but any clothing. If you have to work everyday for a week, and make 9.00/hr think about someone who is working everyday for 1 month to fed her family for only 3.00/hr. If you get up everyday and your sick, be thankful other people didn’t get the chance to wake up. If you’re tired of eating left-over’s, think of someone who has no leftover’s to eat. If you don’t want to see other people think about the blind who wants to see anyone.
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My Thoughts 2 As I look into the past, there is a dark remembrance. My thoughts are empty there is no energy. No life but there is pain; the valuable time that I have is never well spent. But wasted and alone I am, who can I turn to when nothing ever feels right? I come and I go into another scene, every time your mind wonders. When you want something it never happens. But when you’re not expecting it, it comes. Then you have to dig yourself and your feelings back up, just to bring a smile upon my face. I want to get back into the spot light. But yet I can’t get past the dirt I am standing on. But one day for sure I will surface, I will breathe and continue my life, but for now, I have to get past the rushing storm.
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Quotes Don’t dwell on something, because it could very well be nothing at all. If you have a big package, open it, and there you will find your simple solution. Never open a door if no one knocks. It only takes several years to make you think you have been alive for a lifetime. Your problems are never far away, they are so close you can touch them. You can not change the past, but you can try not to let it happen again. Secrets will tell on you, if you don’t tell on them first.
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I Want to Tell You a Story…………. There once was a boy and a girl who met in a funny way. They were in each other’s class so they really didn’t have much to say. From month to month the girl fell for him because he was so fly. Then finally she got with him, instead of some other guy. Then she fell in love she was committed and faithful, but what she did not know is that he was secretly ungrateful. She held on to her heart and discovered her mind, only to find out that he left her behind. For some ass or maybe some booty, but we all know players have to do their duty. He came back around so she tried again, but little did she know after all that he just wants to be friends. For one minute or for one hour, love to her is power, she cried her tears after all of these years, sometimes she still gets 38 hot. But little did he know he has the only love that can fill her spot. She wanted to run away from him, because she did not think he felt the same. But little did she know he was already running game. When she thinks of life without him she just wants to die. But will he be there for her in the end? He better try, she has the best love he could ever find, but he doesn’t want to give it a try. He says wait she says that’s cool. But really is she going to be the fool? She wants to move to be by his side, and support him the whole way through, but little did he know she has needs to. She will always be there for him but she can’t sit and wait for years. But hopefully just hopefully there will be no more tears, because she is not a rug but a woman, and as for having her heart you are the true one.
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Stuck As time passes by, I wonder if I will ever make it. But when a chance comes and knocks on my door, will I even take it? Am I scared of change? Or do I just feel ashamed of what I missed? As crazy as my life has been, I barely remember my first kiss. And now the world passes me by, with everything that’s good. And now I’m stuck mentally living in the hood.
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Window to My Heart The window to my heart is open welcoming a steady breeze to grab a hold of. But yet it is not free for the taking. The window to my heart has been shattered many times, but only to be put back together. The window to my heart is the eye to my soul that goes deeper than any fiber that you could imagine. And the window to my heart is still waiting for someone to come and look in.
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Smoke As you come into the room you realize that you can’t see with your eyes. And your mind is confused, and unable to use its usual senses. You try to breathe but you can’t, because your lungs are filled up with stress and tension, but who will miss it? As you try to move forward and press your way on, you realize that the smoke is in the air and that your life is gone.
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Figure It Out Try to figure out what’s in and what’s out, when I need a sexual healing. With your stares and your glares, no one knows and no one cares where you about to go without even a dare. Your style and your smile makes me wonder how you travel the mile that you do. Am I up or am I down? You need to figure it out, and try to hold it down. I’m floating and I’m free, could it not or could it be. You’re chasing me, and what I’m saying out of my mouth. Just take sometime brotha and figure it out.
- 17 -
Fire There is a fire that burns inside of me but it’s for you only. It steams up my heart like water being dropped on hot cement. But so sweet it makes water drop from my eyes. The sensation of having you near makes the fire reappear when it is ready to blow out. Nice but gentle there’s a fire in the middle, in the middle of this almond joy. With a caramel twist you can never resist the fire I have for you boy.
- 18 -
Not There Anymore I loved you and needed you, thought I would die without you. But it’s not there anymore. All the hurt and pain I used to feel are not there anymore. Because I have taken the key put it back inside me, and locked you out of the door. I feel the same well not exactly the same, because it’s not there anymore. When you held up your hand that should have made me understand, that this is not what I deserve. I needed you then, but I don’t know now it’s not there anymore.
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Say You Didn’t Mean It Say you didn’t mean it, say it’s no more. Say you didn’t mean to walk out the door. Say you didn’t mean to love me the wrong way. Say I wanted to go but you wanted me to stay. Say you will see me another day. Say you didn’t mean it by the things you said. Say you didn’t mean it when you wanted yourself dead. Say you didn’t mean it, but tell the truth. Say you didn’t mean it but wait, I’m leaving you.
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A Name What’s in a name? A name so sweet it will knock you off your feet. A simple phrase that will last all of your days, but only you can make it unique. The talent, the smile, or even the style can make your name complete. What is a name? A beautiful name and that name is Enjoli.
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Secret Letter Why can’t you understand the equalization of you and me? Why can’t we do something other than what you want to? Your cruel words hurt me more than the things you do. Face it I need time or were through. You think that I am confused but why should I be? If I am loyal to you and you are loyal to me. Stop playing these games, because it’s a shame that you treat me like you do. You know what I am not trying to be funny but I can do better without you. Why do I stay? I’ll tell you why because I can’t love another guy. You always want me, always calling my name. But do you really know that I feel pain? So what really do you have to gain? You just want me because you love me, and that’s just all. But I am the only one who always takes the fall. I have to admit I’ve got it bad. For me to think that you were the last thing that I ever had. When we are talking and you hang up. I always call right back. You don’t deserve my body but yet I still give it to you. And for what, what do I get? Someone with a late plan who can’t take a hit, listen to these words that I spit. You make me change my ways like hanging out with my crew. And you never have anything better for me to do. I’m trying to leave my past behind, thinking that there will be new things to find. But it’s only you. When I’m away from you sometimes your own my mind, I act like I’m ready but I don’t really know. I don’t really know what to do, or really where to go. Can you help me because life is a prison when you are in love alone? I want you to leave but I want you to stay. Sometimes I sit and hate you all over again but I know what is up in the end. This is my life I have control. There is something that is keeping me around. But I can’t for the life of me figure out what it is, but when I do you will be the first to know. But I’m finished and if you don’t understand anything by now I have to go.
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Got to Have It Everyday I sit and wonder what I would do without it, how will I breathe how will I face another day? That’s why I must keep it around over and under and on the ground. Everywhere with me it must go, but still I sit and wonder when you asked me to be with you forever. Why did I say no?
- 23 -
Dust What should I do about the dust in the room; this is reality so let’s not ever assume that dust is good while it sits on the shelf. When you know very well you can get rid of it yourself. Why let the particles build until you can’t take the load. You might as well go on and just explode. Don’t let things sit for a long period of time, because all of the dust might fill up your mind.
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A Segment Going no where fast, how long will this last? Will it last until I take my breath away? How long can I go on like this searching for something that I am not getting? I look for conversation and I find confusion. I look to move up but I still fall down, I try and try everyday to make my life better. But it feels like I am just turning around in a big hot sweater, with no air to breath and no place to go, with little squares that I can’t fit through. Because I am going no where fast, I’m crying because I’m dieing. I’m at the point where I get nothing, don’t have anything, can’t get anything, but I crave everything. I’m losing my appetite for love, for life, for living. Because I am giving much more than I’m getting, because I’m going no where fast, and you ask what am I to do now? But right now there is no rest.
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What Was I Thinking? Why do I have to be where I don’t want to be just because? I have been around this circle time and time again. And I have convinced myself that it is love. I don’t know how to have feelings anymore, so I look for answers from up above. Some people are not always what they seem to be. They may be nice to everyone else, but who knows what’s being done to me? I am not living life like I’m a precious jewel. I’m more like one who is being rented, one who is shiny for that day, and then thrown away with the sides slightly tinted. I should value myself more than I do. Because the only mistake that I’m making is being with you know who. I still don’t understand why people get the nerve to say things, and they know that’s it’s not true. So wait a minute, refresh my memory on the reason why I am with you. You are a weak link in my strong heart, which is another reason I should part. But you know I can honestly say that I wasted my time, because you aren’t worth a dime. You hurt me, and blame things you do on other people. Can’t you tell that your see through? This is not a game and I don’t have to strike back. Remember what you do to others always come back; you’re just a little devil, a clever little fellow always doing something wrong. You can never explain your actions, so you play certain songs, to give me a hint of some kind, you act like I need you, go ahead you aren’t mine. With you I have been a fool once, but I will not be that fool again. Because we both know, and surely we do, who will prosper in the end.
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Second Segment You can’t begin to imagine just how I feel, I’ve closed my eyes and now my wounds can heal. I never wanted to leave you, but I knew I had to in order for me to be the person I am meant to be. You cared for me yes that was true, but the only one that could tell was me and you. You knocked me down but I try to build myself back up. You tore me down and over-filled my cup, why did you hit me when you knew it hurt me so bad you acted like I wasn’t all you had. You damaged my heart so now I’m throwing you away. Because only then am I likely to have a brighter day.
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3rd Segment I can’t un-wrap your box if you won’t let me. Nor can I chase you if you’re still going to come get me, I can’t be all yours, if you’re not all mine. Why do you leave your words behind? I think you are losing track of time. For several days and several nights I have been thinking of you, and about how you shift from day to night, in such a short while. But I don’t really know if I’m feeling your style. Your style is shady, sweet, but it’s all gravy. Because I will figure you out soon. You’re lying to my life, like the sky when it’s lit by the moon. All I know that if I can’t hear you, I will be leaving soon. I am blinded by your faith and love in me. I can’t see pass your smiling face, and maybe if you get close to me I might give you a taste. You know nothing about this love you are receiving. But I know exactly what you believe. You do believe in me and yes that is true, because you’re unspoken words go deeper than you.
- 28 -
Believe In Our Love Believe in our love in life, in us, in everything we do. Believe in communication in living, in staying, in me being with you.
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Untitled #43 All I ever wanted was you in my life. I wanted you to love me. How hard was that to do? Haven’t I been good to you? What more do you want me to do? I was there when you were down, but look who you have around. You don’t deserve this love you receive, and now you’re down on your knees begging me back. But only I know it’s not going down like that. You lost the best thing that you had. But my heart is the one that’s sad. I thought we had a lifetime together, but now I see a lifetime is not forever.
- 30 -
Now I’ve figured It Out You said I’m not stupid any more and that I know the game. But what I have figured out is that, that will be the thing that puts you to shame. I was young, dumb and stupid but all so in love. But when you were with those other cats you showed me no love. So love from me you do not get. Life is a journey and the path to you. I quit no more crying every night waiting for you. You know why because I have better things to do. I’m tired of your excuses and your lies. Don’t get me talking you might find a surprise you won’t get anymore of this because it is too good for you. But let me tell you what you can do. You can turn around and never be heard again. Because I can do better without you, here is the end. You have something coming soon enough, but since I know your game now you aren’t so tuff. This beef I will squash, because it’s not worth the plate it was served on. So there you have it Mr. I’m too busy for anyone. Well you go ahead and have your fun, because your heartache has just begun.
- 31 -
Caramel Charm Caramel skin sweet to the touch, and pleasing to the eyes, makes me want to open up and watch my temperature rise. As you touch me I shiver, because I am fully aware of what you will deliver. What you will bring to me will bring such joy. Move slow and don’t rush, I want this to last forever. Because the way we move is so clear. Can we move as one? Or can we be as to, you on top of me and me on top of you? Enjoyable you may be but my heart still goes boom. It beats faster and faster as we collide all through the room. This is a fairytale night so it must be illegal to meet this way. But the way you touch me is so sweet and it makes me want to stay, all night long in your arms, with those sweet lips, and that caramel charm.
- 32 -
Brown Skin I travel the length of your brown skin each and every night. When I feel your brown skin it makes me melt away into the incense that is burning and it smells so sweet. Your brown skin drips from the tip of your tongue to the bottom of your feet. Your brown eyes scream you want to come inside of my brown thighs. But there is a pause in between, because there is a small sip of love between everything that brown skin means.
- 33 -
What if I What if I were to be like you? And put you through all the things you put me through. What if my game was tighter than yours? What if I locked you out with no door? What if I lived my life like you? And do all of the things that you do? What if I never had time? Would you help me unwind? What if my love was just like yours? Just like a freezer with no doors. What if I never thought about you? Well then there would be nothing for us to do.
- 34 -
My Head My head is hurting my heart beats fast I’m tired of my life, how long can this last? Sometimes I want to close my eyes and sleep forever, but even that would be too clever. I’m freezing cold I just want to get away, but for now I have to stay, this world is going crazy Lord please let me in all I have is you. Who cares about the friends I need to calm down, but my head won’t listen to what I say. What should I do should I go a different way? I’m lonely I’m hungry for what I don’t know. My head still hurts so now I have to go.
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Questions When will I get to hold you in my arms again? When will you whisper in my ear and tell me you love me? When will you set aside your pride to tell me your true emotions? When will you pour out your heart to me? When will you love me like you used to? When will you notice that I am here for only you to love? And when will you notice me for who I really am? I’ll tell you when, when I’m gone, that’s when you’ll ask when I’m coming back.
- 36 -
Untitled 22 You are the rose in my garden, the bloom in my life. You are the one that tells me everything is alright. You are the seed, the root, and the soil. You are the one that makes my temperature boil. You are the shade on a sunny day, and my shelter form the rain. But if you are all these things to me why do I feel pain?
- 37 -
Suddenly Confused I looked out for you I was there for you, when things were going down. When lips locked, and hips switched, I knew what was around. But I watched you while you were taking a view. But it’s funny no one was looking at you. Tootsie rolls solid gold, sun glistening on your skin. I can’t wait oh I can’t wait for you to think I’m letting you in. So you want to play the game, and be put to shame. Well I’ll play game number two, I needed you before but I don’t need you now. But wait help me out for one minute. Who are you?
- 38 -
Real Feelings 2002 I want to be with you, but I don’t know how, my heart bleeds your blood but my mind says not now. How silly of me to sit and try to hear you when you’re not talking. Sometimes it’s even harder to pack my bags and keep on walking. I’ve given you everything that you could want, but when you’re in my face you want to front. Close your ears and open your eyes. Through those you will find a big surprise, someone that was there for you and someone who cares someone you let cry while she was going up the stairs. I love you and that much is true, because I only want to be with you and stare at your brown eyes even when your not here. Your beautiful to me so what should I have to fear? My love is as strong as it will come. But despite anything you did your still number one.
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Speak to Me Speak to me softly, speak to my mind. Make me remember your words for all times. Make me feel you when your not there. Speak to my heart while you are away; tell me sweet words day after day. Speak to me love say what it means to you to l-o-v-e me. Let me know what it means to you, when you travel the mile of me. Speak to me love and show me what you see. Speak to my soul, and tell me what you believe. You are the spoken word of love that I will receive someday in this lifetime. If only we can keep growing the seed.
- 40 -
Secret Connection We have a secret connection that shows obvious affection when we make love. Your brown sugar slowly melts all over me, as you look into my eyes. I’m feeling hot and hazy; damn I want to have your baby. But for what your about to receive, I don’t think your ready. When I touch your body you will shiver, because you are not fully aware of what I will deliver. This caramel will have you hot and sticky; I like to be on top so I hope you’re not picky. As we kissed I think back on everything I missed, as you rub my skin and come in slow. I want to shout, but then again I have to keep it on the down low. You always knew I was the one, and the good thing is that our secret connection has just begun.
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Untitled #33 I still love you but I need some healing. I remember back in the day when you use to give me the feeling the feeling that you love me, and the feeling that you cared, and I still remember all of the things that we shared. I will always love you.
- 42 -
Lifetime A lifetime with you would be like a sweet candy that melts in your mouth, it will be like a sunny day in the south. A lifetime with you would be like frozen ice cream with a warm spoon that makes a dip in it like the moon. A lifetime with you would put the stars out of commission wait let me tell you what else I vision. A lifetime with you would taste like a fruit, juicy inside but don’t eat the peel. Let me tell you what else I feel….
- 43 -
How Can You Call Yourself a Man? How can you call yourself a man? When you don’t understand a woman you give her what she wants but it’s never what she needs. You can’t see past her smile because you won’t go the extra mile. She deserves better but yet she settles for you. Why does she do this? She is not your boo. How can you call yourself a man when communication means silence to you? What the hell is she supposed to do? When she has a lot to offer the world, her long golden brown hair and caramel skin is so easy to get lost in. How can you call yourself a man when you never know what to do? You try to figure out everything that she is going through but the bottom line is you. She is alone when she is with you. But you call yourself a man. She does everything in her power to make you understand what she does not. But the only thing you know is her hot spot. She knows that she is a woman; she also knows that you’re not a man. She is tired of trying to mold you; she has done all she can. So how can you call yourself a man? Why are you so confused about the news that you saw on the front page of your women’s face? I’ll tell you why because you are blind, and you just want a taste, a taste of her love, and her life, from her point of view. How can you call yourself a man, when her last name is Campbell, because she’s so mmmmmmmmm good? You wouldn’t know how to roll if she didn’t come around your hood; she is a woman, who is always there for you. How can you call yourself a man? When you know she’s about through.
- 44 -
My Thoughts 99 Life is too short, to let it just slip by, when you get your wake up call. Why do you slowly die? God wants to save you, but you have to want that to. Stop lying and start trying that’s what you have to do. Life is like sand that is slipping through your hands, if you don’t get it together. There are always warning signs made just for you. But again only you can choose what you do. Living today might be your last, so please don’t live in the past. Do what you need to do to get you by, and get you through. Because any life can be taken, and if you don’t watch out it could be yours.
- 45 -
My Thoughts 98 What should you do when your steps are met half way? Should you turn around and wait for a sunny day? I have been guided in my life, in so many ways. But yet I’m still speechless. I am ready to forget everything and leave this cruel world behind. There is a problem in every direction. But yet not even one solution. Solutions are becoming too far in my confused state of mind. I notice things that other people don’t see is that why certain people do not understand me? When you have new flames, and they die. Do you wonder about it? Or do you just cry? When you get a new present you say oh my. But your new present gets old and it’s time to say goodbye.
- 46 -
I Don’t Understand I don’t understand why I can’t find a good man. I’m not that picky but they just want to stick me. I understand that everyone has their flaws, but why does it have to be so obvious? That all they want to do is sleep with us. We are more than just carpet. I don’t understand why sometimes they just won’t park it. I’m tired of all of the games; I’m tired of all the lies. I’m sick of all that oh you’re pretty and I like those thighs. I don’t understand what more I can do. You can be good to them, but that doesn’t mean they will be good to you. I’m not the villain I don’t know why they trippin, but they need to get it right. What am I supposed to do? Wake up alone in bed for the rest of my life? I need some true love, but still I like those thugs. Maybe I’m going about it all the wrong way, but I still don’t understand why I can’t find a good man. But still no matter what the test, I will not dare settle for less. I respect myself to much to feel the touch of someone I don’t know. Sometimes I want to though, sometimes I am so lonely I get desperate but I don’t let it show. But I still don’t understand why I can’t find a good man. I guess there is none left so I’ll quit while I still can.
- 47 -
Lonely Days I have spent my lonely days without you. You used to hold me tight, but slowly you let go. But you always claimed you loved me so, what scars could you put on me? That I don’t already have. You left me all of a sudden, so you do the math. You will never understand how lonely days will simply make a man, and leave him to wonder about what would have happened if he would not have made any lonely days.
- 48 -
I Waited I waited for you and on the way you came, back into my life and still full of shame. The life you lived was foul, and I don’t even know how the Lord let you get away. How dare you not appreciate the love that was given to you? How dare you let fear run you away? Since you have chosen another path, you will never regain the half of everything you lost. You painted a pretty picture, but the paint that you used was not everlasting. Because it ran right off the page, maybe you will be better off in another chapter of life.
- 49 -
When Will You When will you need me? When will you care? When will you figure out that I was always there? When will you notice me? When will you give me a call? When will you try to catch me when I fall? When will you love me? When will you touch me? When will I see you again? When will you send me a message? You won’t do anything until the end.
- 50 -
What Should I Do? How can I get away from this lonely feeling, when what I need is good conversation and some sexual healing? How foolish can I be to think who I wanted actually wanted me. As of now I don’t know where to turn, the object of the game is not to get burned. Should I just crack open the book and focus on what’s inside, or should I just sit back and let it ride. But no matter what I’m still lonely, no matter what I think of to pass the time, it doesn’t go by quick enough. What am I really living for, should I just call this life a bluff? Where are you? Where do I go? One thing is for sure, I never want to be labeled a ho. I’m tired of waiting, I’m tired of trying, and I’m only 20 I need someone to confide in. Give me some choices or show me a sign. Because I am on the path of loneliness, and yes I am in the right line.
- 51 -
Do Not Disturb Me Do not disturb me I’m tired of the games. Do not disturb me I’m tired of dealing with you lames. Do not disturb me I don’t need your phone call. Do not disturb me I don’t need you at all. Do not disturb me because I don’t have time. Do not disturb me yes I am a dime. Do not disturb me I don’t owe you anything. Do not disturb me you can always keep the change. Do not disturb me I’m to busy to deal with all of this drama. Do not disturb me and make me feel pain. Do not disturb me because I already feel rain.
- 52 -
You Can Be You can be so great, so wonderful with no one to love you. You can be so unique and sweet with no one to hug you. You can be so beautiful and caring with no one to hold. You can be so outspoken and sensitive with no one to kiss. You can be so sexy and thoughtful with no one to stare at just because... You can be so smart and fun, with no one to talk to. You can be so lonely and spontaneous with someone there. Written: Because I was stood up.
- 53 -
Chill Mode Let the incense burn Let me kick up my feet Let me forget about my troubles Let me only bite off what I can eat Let me live Let me die Let me look at you and ask why Let me think Let me be mad Let me wonder Let me be sad Wait I’m not finished but the incense just burned out
- 54 -
What Really Happened? You looked at me You started to talk I looked at you I turned away I sat up I started thinking I was lost I said no You got up You left I lay down I started thinking Tears feel My heart hurt More tears fell then I fell asleep Quote: What is good sometimes is just part of the word.
- 55 -
Depressed I thought I would never be in this kind of depression. But lately all I’ve been doing is second guessing. I made it through all of those other times. What’s so different now? I feel like I won’t float in water, and I can’t survive the rain. What am I supposed to do depressed like this? Just remain the same. I don’t feel like my self anymore, when I see people I just want to close the door. I don’t feel like talking, I’m not me. But someone else I wish I could be. Then and only then might I not feel this way. But I hope this change soon, because I have no more to say. Quote: What’s another day, if you didn’t live the last one?
- 56 -
A Pause You have just stopped my life with one small scene. You looked at me smiling, but inside you looked mean. The question that you asked me totally ripped me apart form the inside out. I can’t believe you let those words out of your mouth. I’m thinking I’m in love I’m thinking you care. Your just like the other ones, wait don’t touch me, don’t you dare! You wish you were a man, but you have a long way to go. What did you think I looked like yesterday a ho? I don’t really know why I’m writing this because I have nothing left. But if looks could kill, I would have killed you myself. Now my mind wonders and seems to skip the question that you asked. I won’t to say hold up one minute give my love back. You don’t deserve me, and I know that. But I can’t stop thinking of you, and why opposites attract. How could you kill my spirit with just a couple of words? I’ll tell you right now I wish I was a bird so I could fly far away from you. So you could find other things to get into. You hurt me so bad, but once again I’m through. But these feelings I have inside are no longer for you.
- 57 -
Short Thoughts Just leave me alone Don’t talk Don’t look Don’t touch Don’t ask Don’t wonder Just leave me alone Don’t think Don’t stare Don’t care Don’t write Don’t be curious Just leave me alone Don’t come Don’t go Don’t open the door Don’t try to help Just leave me alone
- 58 -
True Side of Loneliness I like you To dislike you I spend time with you To miss you later I love you To hate you I need you To not want you I want to get to know you So you can be a stranger I want to share myself with you So I can be stingy I want you to hold me So I can feel alone I want to see you So you can be forgotten I want to leave you Only to return I want to tell you the truth But it would be a lie I want to be a big part of your life Even though I will only be a small portion I want to live only to die inside you
- 59 -
She She is lonely but she wants to be held. She is talkative but she wants to be quiet. She is emotional but now she is emotionless. She is carefree and now she’s stressed. Because of this mess that is going on. She is strong but now she is weak. She felt good and now she’s under the weather. She wants to go but she stays. She has lost her definition, she can not be defined. She is lost never to be found. Her heart is on the ground, she is floating. But now she is sinking slowly, and her soul dies.
- 60 -
The Night We got together, we feel in love. We locked ourselves away. As you touched my skin, I closed my eyes and I slowly took in a breath, and the scent of you made me high. As you gave me something I can feel something that was oh so real. You lit me up like a burner on a stove when it is turned on high. You were as hard as the concrete and as bright as the sun and as we proceeded I knew that you had won. You had finished the race and broke the line. It’s kind of funny how love is always on time.
- 61 -
Isolated No light No dreams No seams to hold it all in Isolated Alone in the storm Far from the norm But still in view Isolated Barely alive Severely deprived Rolling in and out with the tide Isolated Barely there Not fair Left without a care Isolated Over and done Because I am only one
- 62 -
Falling Apart The rain is falling down on me I’m drowning fast but yet I’m still trying to survive while I’m falling apart. There goes my heart There goes my mind There goes my soul There goes my will I’m falling apart No love No motivation No strength No dream No direction I’m falling apart Can’t think Can’t move Can’t live Can’t go on because I have fell apart
- 63 -
I Will Never Forget You I will never forget you The way you smile The way you laugh How you used to hold me I will never forget you How you were always there How you always cared I will never forget you What we did Where we went The time we spent I will never forget you Because the s** was all so good I will never forget you But I see you have forgotten me….
- 64 -
With or Without With or without you I have to move on With or without you The love is gone With or without you My emotions will flow With or without you My heart will grow With or without you The times will change With or without you I can change my last name I will pull through With or without you I’m leaving and that is true
- 65 -
Dear Emotions What are you feeling? And why do you shift day to day? What do you want now I ask? But there is no reply. You want to be lonely and free. But yet you want to be caught up, in your very own existence. Will you stop shifting and remain balanced for a while? So I can take in my life as more than blur. Emotions the key to my world, the constant rhythm to a beat that never stays the same. The ups the downs, the peaks are flowing fast. But I can’t catch up with them, because I will drown in the river first. And only my emotions will keep me floating.
- 66 -
The Lumberjack and the Trees There are many lumberjacks. There are many trees. In society women are beautiful trees. In society men are lumberjacks. Easy women are the thin trees. Women of substance are the thick trees. Women think men are simple. Men think women are complicated. Men chose women and then begin chopping at their trees. Men never just want to be friends with a woman. Two lumberjacks can try to cut down one tree at the same time. And they will compete until the end. Advice to women make sure your tree is strong and lumberjack resistant, if you don’t want to be bothered. Men love thick trees but, thin trees are easier to cut down. Women are not passive. Women say men are useless without them. Men find out what a woman likes and that’s what they use. Women do the complicated thing by doing what we think a woman is supposed to do. (This is what we think he wants) In the end…Women don’t have to lose, but some of us do. Women are chosen by the Lumberjack lured in and then before you know it, women would be better off on the forest alone with no rain or sunshine. In life a tree that is constantly chopped will fall. But all women are not in this case right? Remember when a tree is missing branches or leaves, (this stands for women who have been through a lot.) The tree is still standing so it can still be chopped. Sorry ladies some lumberjacks have a dull axe. But men remember we are complicated so the man will keep on chopping and end up messing the tree up, (the women). By then the tree is in no shape for any other lumberjacks. But in any other case ladies if your tree is still strong and lumberjack resistant after all of these trials, then ladies you will be the one yelling T-I-M-B-E-R!
- 67 -
The Hidden One The one who doesn’t have a name the one whose face has never been seen. The one, who you give all your love to, is the hidden one. The one you see secretly. The one you never forget. The one, who you spend all your time with, is the hidden one. The one who cares for you, the one who is your friend, the one you look up to, is the hidden one. The one that left you, the one who was tired of being hidden, is the found one.
- 68 -
Broke Jan 7, 2004 When you blew all the money you had because you thought it would never run out. Not realizing you would later be a fool you stuck around and played it cool. You took a vacation, bought some clothes, went to the club bought some drinks, but little did you know your life is about to stink. You moved out your mother’s house for the second time, and decided that you were rich. So you went to Florida and got caught up, and almost became someone’s b****. Now you have no apartment, hate your hometown so no matter what you are not going back. You look at yourself in the hotel mirror and give yourself a slap. What the hell was I thinking? Now what am I going to do? You don’t have money for your car payment so now you are through. You stop by the ATM to see what you have left it says $300.00. Now you really can’t help yourself. You get a room for rent that is $250.00 but you realize the landlord acts shi***. So you move out after pawning all of your stuff. And you eventually find a hostel, we’ll that doesn’t sound to ruff. You move there for $260.00 a week, but the manager didn’t know your pockets were weak. He eventually found out and still let you stay, so you start drinking for Downtown Disney on Saturday. A couple days later you’re playing it cool. But you can’t call your mama because you don’t have anything going for yourself but school. One night you meet to people who seem to be nice, later you move to OHIO with them, and damn there is nothing but ice. You try to find a job like you did in Florida, but you’re still living like you have three daughters. We all move into a hotel, the new friends that you made don’t get along all that well. Then one night the phone rings and the man on the other line is saying get those ni**** out of there now. So we leave in 28 degrees and sleep in the car for three days, with no food or water wow. We go to the welfare office tell them our story and get food stamps. And yes you guessed it we slept in the car some more. Then we found a shelter stayed for two months and it was all over. How we made it I will never know. But I thank GOD that he rescued us from the snow, and as for the people we thought were friends you’re suffering will never end.
- 69 -
Proof that God Loves Me 11/23/2003 Problem- Lived in the projects for three years Solution- Now we have a house Problem-Being bullied in middle school Solution- GOD stopped that completely Problem-Being broken hearted after being cheated on Solution-GOD let time heal my wounds Problem-Moved to Atlanta with an abuser Solution-GOD removed him from my life the same day Problem-Date rape I left college in Atlanta Solution-GOD healed my pain, and he let me find healing through my new talent as an abstract artist Problem-Motorcycle accident in South Carolina Solution-GOD let me live Problem-I was put out of my house, I did not communicate with my mom for one year. I moved in with my grandma. Solution-GOD let me find friends and a place and also lead me back home to my mom Problem-Moved to Savannah, Ga no job, no money Solution-GOD let me get money and an apartment Problem-Dated second abuser Solution-God allowed me to move on Problem-Had a hard time getting back in college for the second time Solution-GOD allowed me to get in Problem-Became homeless four times in Savannah, Ga Solution-Stayed with family, stayed with abuser, stayed on the army base, stayed with friends, GOD lead me home Problem-Moved back home after all the issues in Savannah, Ga Solution-GOD put me closer to my mom Problem-Wanted to give up on life Solution-GOD gave me determination Problem-Prayed about change, but saw no change Solution-GOD changed things eventually Problem-Didn’t know what to do with my new found life Solution-GOD let me wake up and I discovered all talents, and put them to use, and realized I won’t give up and that I am somebody Problem-Wanted to get in school for the third time Solution-GOD put me in FMU online End Result-Decided not to do anything else without being completely ready
- 70 -
Lucky Number 7 Seven centuries Seven years Seven months Seven weeks Seven days Seven hours Seven minutes Seven seconds until I see you 10/07/2005
- 71 -
The Week Monday- Is a mellow day Tuesday- Tell all day Wednesday- Wonder when I will be rich day Thursday- Thought day Friday- Fast food day Saturday- Suit up day Sunday- Sunny day
- 72 -
While Waiting to See You I dream of seeing your face every night. I dream of you holding me tight. I dream of you telling me your secrets. I dream of your life merging into mine. I dream of peace and unity between us. I dream of touching your skin. But now my dream is over, because you’re finally here, I have been waiting to see you…. 10/07/2005
- 73 -
Simply Beautiful Yesterday, I didn’t even know you and now you’re always on my mind. A person as sweet as you is very hard to find. As we discuss the past we slowly see that is not very inviting. But thinking about spending quality time with you seems so exciting! You have me feeling like the breeze so fresh and free. The way we melt together makes me want you forever, but wait I’m not through. Every time I close my eyes I feel your smile looking at me. Come teach me what I am here to learn about this life, about this love. Intoxicated every time I here you speak; your smooth deep tone has me feeling so weak. I can’t push you away no matter how I try. What if I had a good chance and lived a lie? I am not sure what the future holds for me and you. But I can tell you what we can do. We can run away together and never return again. We can start a love together and still be good friends. An angel came to me in a form of you, and I am thankful for what I have received. I am living in the moment, and I need not to think to far ahead, I want every part of you to last in my mind, so clear I can hit rewind. I want to take all of you in like a breath of fresh air. Let’s live not in the past, but in this very moment this very minute, this very day.
- 74 -
The Thought of It The thought of me passing you by and you catching my eye will be grand. The gift of choice and freedom go hand in hand. Shall I surrender to you? Or shall I just move on? I am so confused on what to do, because I am so stuck on you. What if I let you in and you destroy my heart? But on the other hand what if I let you in and we never part? The perfect ways you have make me love you more, but I’m not sure about the future and what it has in store. You don’t understand what the thought of you does to me. My senses go wild, my heart beats fast, my mind wonders, but will it last? The visions of you touching every inch of my skin and kissing me softly letting me take it all in are clouding my thoughts of love. And with love there comes pain, pain to live life, and to start something new. Did you really ever think it would be me and you? I will never let your smile get in the way of my thoughts. Because what I possess can not be bought. But then again it’s just a thought. You don’t see how wonderful you are, and what you hold inside. But yet you are willing to be on this journey and still take a ride. You have to understand that this will be a difficult road, but if you are willing to travel I will hold your hand. All I need you to do is stay awake and understand. Quote: Loneliness is a puddle of me, and I am drowning.
- 75 -
A New Time in Life Ready for love, but not knowing the path, how does it all add up, how do I do the math? The vision of isolation is so clear and easy to follow. But yet my spirit has become so shallow. To be alone, to rest alone, to think of life without light, will be life without a (you). But to put the past behind to let it rest, and forget what I have been through, will be very difficult for me times two. Where will I go to hide from all things promising? Where will I find peace and serenity? Is love the answer? Can love happen over and over again, will I lose or never win? This journey has lasted for a life time in a frame, but out of mind. As intangible as love may seem, my heart doesn’t understand what life really means. Sweet chocolate satisfaction is what I wish for, but what about when life offers much more? Along with new things come changes, changes that I might not be ready for but yet I adore them at the same time. I care about love, but it is not my friend, because at the end it is never there. And all that’s left is a puddle of me, exposed, confused, and once again hungry for more heart, please talk to me, let me know why your refusing to let me live, give me a sign show some compassion. Make me feel brand new. Let my world have a broader view. I need a change, a new beginning, so that when love comes back around I will be winning. My broken pieces must first be mended, otherwise life has ended. To move on, is to press forward, to live, to enjoy the gift of love. But loneliness must not take over, and isolation has to isolate it’s self from the farthest depths of my heart, in order for life and love to not be apart. Stay with me, focus on my heart and soul, and focus on the being that lies in this hardened shell, so that changes can be clear. And love will remain here. The feelings inside me are so real, so trusted so true, but first a new time in life must follow through. Quote: Love is just a wrapper waiting to be unwrapped!
- 76 -
Wishing I Was There With You Wishing I was there with you so you could hold me and tell me everything will be alright. Wishing I was there with you so you can tell me I’m your everything, and then I look back and smile. Wishing I was there with you, so I can feel your sweet kisses on my face. Wishing I was there with you so I can feel your warm touch on my soft skin. Wishing I was there with you. Let’s not let the distance take us to the end. 11/05/05
- 77 -
Untitled #100 What will become of us? Will we remain brand new? Will our thoughts become one? What will our vision be? What lies ahead of us? Will the long road become a short one? These are questions that I need to ask? In this thing we have going, we are feeling brand new, but our feelings are still showing. The cover of your book is worth knowing. But it’s the inside that keeps things flowing. I wait impatiently everyday to hear your smooth voice on the line. And when I get the chance to meet you, I wonder what else I will find? The beauty in the wisdom you possess lights the road to your heart. Your heart may have been in pieces before but I will never reject you or close the door. I will always be here for you, even if you just need a friend. Hold me close to your heart don’t let this end. 11/06/2005
- 78 -
Life….Again Life is full of changes. But if you don’t like the way things are going you should leave life behind. You should move and run away from life when it changes so suddenly. You have to be ready because a time will come, when you need to go far away from obstacles that bind you. Somehow you have to over look things that are going on in your life and vision yourself somewhere else. But remember life is full of changes and you should be ready to accept the things you can’t change. 11/08/2005
- 79 -
For The One Who Had Me…. I need you, I want you. Why don’t you want me? I need you love to survive the things I cannot see. Why do you constantly desert me? I was made from you, designed by you, don’t leave me like this. Without you I am alone, but I am not as hurt as I used to be. I am over the fact that you must not love me. How could I be rejected so early, so fast? What really happened in the past? Will you ever hold me and say I’m sorry for isolating you from my heart? Will you think of me while you’re out in the world? Or will be separated, by life, by love, by circumstances? Don’t let life keep us apart, because I want you to know you will always be in my heart. Even though I can’t believe you left me stranded. I know that people deserve second chances. So empty my life has been without you in it, if you won’t hear me out now, I will be sure to meet with you later in the great thing they call the sky. Leaving me out in the cold all my life is not a good solution. But please come back to me sometime soon, before your life makes it’s on conclusion. 11/07/2005
- 80 -
A Friend A friend is someone you can trust. So why do they stab you in your back? A friend is someone you can talk to. So why do they act like their not listening? A friend is someone who will stay by your side. So why do they leave you? A friend is someone who believes in you. So why do they put you down? A friend is someone who comforts you. So why do they leave you on the ground? Maybe in this world we have now realized friends can’t be found.
- 81 -
A Matter of Understanding There is nothing in the streets for me; I would rather be with you. I don’t care what job you get, or what city you’re in, as long as I am there to. Can’t you understand I just want to be with you? I know now that you really care for me. It was you that helped me face the world. It was you that took me under your wing, and flew me away. So you need to come back soon. Please don’t make me wait.
- 82 -
All All this hurt and pain I feel, is it true is it for real? My deepest thoughts can’t compare, to what you do when I’m not there. Vindictive I could be, but I’m not you and you’re not me. All you do is show and tell, but I’d rather tell and show. Because all of this mess that you have put me through. Right now I’m about to go.
- 83 -
Are Are the truths really false? Is the beginning really the end? Are my lonely days also my lonely nights? When you comfort me, why am I still cold? Are the feelings you have for me real? Or is it just a reflection of how I feel? Are you really mine? Or do you belong to another? When you hurt me, I don’t heal; this is all the pain that I feel. Are you for real? Could this be true? Are you in love with me? Like I’m in love with you? Or are you just doing what you want to do? Are you really truthful with me like I am being to you?
- 84 -
Being a Mother Being a mother means: Working extra hard, cooking everyday, cleaning frequently. Washing lots of clothes, spending money like water. Looking out for your kids being a role model all the time and last but not least being tired frequently. If you can’t do one thing on this list please never consider having children.
- 85 -
Believe Believe in God he’ll answer your prayers, he will care for you when no one else is there. All it takes is a little faith, and a little love. To get the gift, that God has waiting for you from up above. If you believe, he will always come through, let God show you what he can do. The pain you suffered, you will suffer no more, you will find the light and he will open the door. Come in my children, he will say, It is because you believed, that you are accepted into heaven on this day.
- 86 -
Black Brotha All my life I’ve wanted a smooth dark skin brotha, to come and sweep me off of my feet, with pearly white teeth, and smooth black hair. I’m down for anything anywhere, smooth chocolate tide taste so sweet. And pleasurable to the eyes, sweet surprise awakens me with his crystal clear brown eyes. That candy yam smile can’t be beat. Only a smooth black brotha will knock me off my feet.
- 87 -
Black Butterfly Wings of the night, the beauty of its black body getting ready for its flight. The wings are power, so it will get pass the daylight, and the harmful rays of the sun. At night it hides so no one can see it. But yet if they did would they believe it? It is free from pain, and can never be touched. That is why the” Black Butterfly” is respected so much its color and the power of its wings. Makes it the strongest most powerful black butterfly anyone’s ever seen.
- 88 -
Black History Black history will go on for years and years. God knows we have cried each others tears. We need to stick together somehow in life, We need to learn how to handle things, we don’t need to fight. Black history month is a month to remember Because plenty of things went on between January and December. Black history is everyone’s history, It is something that everyone should share. If there was no black history, we wouldn’t get anywhere. We have learned from our mistakes, and I hope others did to. I surely hope black history Has the same influence on you.
- 89 -
Can I Survive Can I survive knowing that someone has left me in the dark? All alone without an explanation, without a claim, because you weren’t there at night, while I was hurting, and calling your name. The spark of flame that was left in my heart has been blown out. By the cruel words you have laid upon me. You think not of what you do, but only of what I said or confessed. The love I have for you is strong, and cannot be broken, by bits and pieces of un-living life. June 25, 1999
- 90 -
Chances You have to ask if you want to know, if you want to show, first you have to go, everything is done for a reason. Chances have to be taken no matter the season. It takes all the running you can do to keep in the same place. So if you want more out of life, run in a bigger space. What you perceive, determines what you receive, which determines how you achieve. So when you take chances always have something else up your sleeve.
- 91 -
Cookies ‘n’ Cream I am your outer shell, for your inner love. Together our hearts beat as one, one is not good, there has to be two. The bond that we have formed together is like glue. My heart is flaming all or you. You surround me like a big hug that I have always needed. The pain that I will always hold on my heart will be forever hidden. But no matter what’s going on in my life, you will never be forbidden.
- 92 -
Dark Life The feeling of not knowing what you should know. The feeling of finding what you never lost. Dark Life You wished you already knew what you did not know. Letting the virus of love take over your heart, and invade your soul. Dark Life Being alone while involved with another. The heart you have is broken, but you do not recognize the hurt it is feeling, while you’re alone. Dark Life Without love there is no life, without truth there is no lie.
- 93 -
Dear Heart I’m very sorry that I broke you; I took the wrong pathway again. But this time I was worried about someone else’s heart, instead of yours. I know that you have been broken many times before. But I promise this time no more.
- 94 -
Dear Soul I wonder when you will find yourself, and notice that you need love to. When will you come, and recognize the shady things that people do? The loneliness that you feel is because you brought it on yourself. Because you didn’t think before you jumped in. And you did not jump out quick enough to save yourself from devastation. Maybe next time soul you will be wiser. So that next time your time comes along, you won’t jump in at all.
- 95 -
Dying Earth The air is still, no life is living on earth. It is a noiseless place, with cold blood running all over. There is no wind to play with the trees. All that is left is the remains of what was once living. The smells of this place will make you sick, and you will eventually die like all the others. The poisonous water is so dirty you can’t see through. There is no food, what will you do? The sky is colored gray, the grass is brown. The heated sun has cracked the ground; everything you see around you has broken down. The buildings are falling apart, it never rains, so they plants won’t grow. This will be our dying earth, now you know.
- 96 -
Do You Do you really want to be with me? Do you want to share my world? Do you really want me to be your girl? Do you want to share my tears? Do you want to help me with my fears? Do you want to share my life? Do you want to find the key to my heart? If you want to do these things we will never part?
- 97 -
Don’t Give Up When you give up before you try, that’s the reason why you fail. You try and try again, but someone is always on your tail. How will you succeed, if you’re not sure you can follow through? You want to give up, but you won’t back away. Because you know what you have to do, and you have to do it today. All you have to do is pray the Lord will tell you what to do, and what to say. Keep your mind open and try again, because you would only be a fool to be a loser and win.
- 98 -
Down This Road Down this road I will walk with you, while you hold my hand. Down this road I will tell you my problems and you will understand. Down this road you will be with me, and I will be with you. Down this road we will realize there is nothing we would rather do. Down this road you have been with me through thick and thin. Down this road there will never be an end. Down this road I will give all my love to you, and down this road I will always be true. I have been down this road many times but only to find out that you were mine!
- 99 -
Dreaming As I lay asleep in my bed, I have a lot of thoughts in my head, thoughts of love, and thoughts of life. Thoughts that I might one day be a wife. I hope what I have been dreaming, will someday come true, and when you start dreaming I hope the same thing happens to you.
- 100 -
Empty Reaches Do you ever reach for someone and their not there? Then you begin to think that they don’t care. When your down, their never around. And you find yourself still on the ground. You reach over to someone, so they can hold your hand. But instead they look at you confused, because they don’t understand your bad news. Empty reaches won’t help at all, because no one will be there when you fall.
- 101 -
Falling For You I have been falling for you, for a long time, ever since you’re soft brown eyes met mine with your smooth skin and your luscious lips, and when your gentle hands touched my hips. The softness of your voice when you call my name, I hope I am not going insane. You never break a promise, you always show your love and I think that you were sent from above. I’m falling for you, can’t you see? Now the question is are you falling for me?
- 102 -
Far Away Far away there is a man. Far away there is a heart. Far away there is love. Far away there is life. Far away there is trust. Far away there is a place. Far away there is honesty. Far away there is respect. Far away there is pain. Far away there is me, and close to me is you.
- 103 -
Get Out of My Life Leave me alone, get out of my life. I do not love you; I do not want to be your wife. Do not call me, or write me at all, if you keep on doing these things you’re going to fall .Fall out of sight, fall out of range. If I could buy you a death ticket I would, and tell them to keep the change. Please leave me alone, get out of my life, your running down a tunnel without any light. You are blinded by your own sins, but love always wins. What you have for me is not love, it is not something sent from above. Get out of my life, and it will be much better. The storm you have caused, no longer has any effect on my sunny weather.
- 104 -
He He would never let a tear drop fall from your eye into the un-rich soul of another person’s heart. Only by his love are you bonded together. He is so busy running after your heart until he couldn’t find his own. The pathway that he made can’t be followed, but yet it is blocked by un-rich love, where no seed can be planted and grown to attach to another, and still you feel alone and lost in love.
- 105 -
Heart of Stone A heart of stone knows nothing and fears little. A heart of stone is not forgiving, a heart of stone, cares not about what others think. A heart of stone will never fall in love. A heart of stone is not a healthy heart. And a heart of stone, pumps black blood from its veins into its dying now infected body. This lonely heart does not know it is lonely by choice. So therefore a lonely heart has no voice.
- 106 -
How How could my lifeless life pass so quickly? How come the things I want I never get? Could I be demented or am I just confused? I wonder how I could demolish everything in my path. Or should I just sit and watch them laugh? Events go by and events take place, but they still have an everlasting meaning in a specific space a space in my mind that I am trying to define. I’m lost to the point of no return, I can’t go back. How can I move on? The shield I once had in front of me has been broken down. Now I am as free as death it’s self. But meaningless to say I don’t think I can get pass the pain that is on my heart. So I just sit and think, how...
- 107 -
I Can’t Believe I can’t believe what I said I sometimes wish that I was dead. How could I be so cruel? It looks like I have broken the golden rule. I am about to melt in a puddle, because I can’t believe what I said. I think I should move away or just stay in bed. The tongue is a wicked object that I have used. I hope no one else spreads the news. Why did I say it? It wasn’t even right well I guess I have to go now and get out of sight.
- 108 -
I Pretend I pretend not to know you, but I recognize your face. I pretend not to know your heart, but yet I hear it beating. I pretend not to notice your faults, but yet I start to dislike you. You pretend to love me, but yet I still enclose you in my heart. You pretend to change for me, but under black lies there are white spaces. You pretend to be with me, and just leave me alone. I should have known when you pretend nothing lasts long. Jan 4, 2000
- 109 -
If You Believe Anything is possible when you believe, your heart can be filled, and your mind at ease. Your soul can shed light on others, and you can get closer to your sisters and brothers. You need to pray if you believe, and if you don’t you will not receive.
- 110 -
It Was Me Who blamed you for all of the lies? It was me who said you touched my thighs. It was me that had you put in jail. It was me that sent you to hell, it was me that took your love, and threw it away. It was me that didn’t believe a word you said. It was me who wished that you were dead. Forgive me; it was me who did all these things. It was me, only me now who feels ashamed.
- 111 -
It’s Not Easy It’s not easy fighting through the world to get by. It’s not easy when you love someone, and your favorite thing to do is cry. It’s not easy to turn your back and walk away. It’s not easy always knowing what to say. It’s not easy getting through the tough spots, only to find out you lost in the end. It’s not easy to be mature and have many friends. It’s not easy to live your life, and try to meet someone new. It’s not easy to be here, so that’s why I’m leaving without you. P.S. But I shall return soon, alone. Written: because of hard times alone.
- 112 -
It’s To Good to Be True I can’t believe I’m here with you; I want to hold you so much. I want to feel your tender touch. I love to be with you, there’s nothing else I rather do. I like when you call my name, man I think I’m going insane. You took away all my pain, and turned it into joy. It’s too good to be true, because I’m right here with you boy. This is so amazing how you making me feel. I hope all of my feelings are real, I hope they never go away. It’s too good to be true, all I want is you. I see you every night and day, and I never know what to say. It’s too good to be true; I won’t ever take my eyes off of you.
- 113 -
I’ve Learned I’ve learned that, a broken heart doesn’t heal without a bandage. I’ve learned that, love takes time. I’ve learned that, even when you’re with someone you can feel alone. I’ve learned that, someday you wake up sleeping. I’ve learned that, yesterdays problems are today’s solutions. I’ve learned that, even in cloudy air you can breathe. I’ve learned that, death is a part of living. I’ve learned that, love hurts, as long as you allow it to. I’ve learned that, even when you’re blind you can see. I’ve learned that, you can’t make someone love you. I’ve learned that, sometimes in life you learn the hard way. I’ve learned that, in life God comes first. I’ve learned that, writing is meaning. I’ve learned that, fire lives within the heart. I’ve learned that, the wrong places are right on time with the wrong answers. I’ve learned that, your own steps can get ahead of you. I’ve learned that, a man with no friends is not alone. I’ve learned that, people who have a hard outer shell have feelings. I’ve learned that, children need attention. I’ve learned that, a mother’s prayer can save your life. I’ve learned that, I still have a lot more to learn.
- 114 -
Life in a Closed Wrapper My life has been a closed area, a form of life that is sealed and tucked away. No one understands the level of ground that I stand on. But as their leaning over they want to take a quick look. Just to see if I’m on the ground, or to see if I’m floating. Behind the tears is a confused soul, which has been misled. The fact is all of the downs out way the ups. In the game of chance I have always chosen the wrong card. In my life every little thing has a big meaning. Everything matters when everything goes right, but when the time is up nothing matters. How do I live with such a closed mind? Why do I not care what others think? It is because I am not open for all to see. Deep-sea thinkers, and up in the cloud dreamers are precious elements that help you understand life. If your feelings flow like water, then you need to go at the red light, and use caution at the green one. Life has different paths, but remember there are always spaces between every line.
- 115 -
Life’s Story I’ve thought long and hard about my life. And to tell you the truth, sometimes the road is harder than I think it’s going to be. I mean if you have been misused what should you do? Even when I find a new path to go down, it still seems to all be wrong in the end. It gets so bad until it’s hard to accept things, when they do work out. And in this point in time, I don’t believe in love, marriage, or sex. I mean really what’s the point in all of it? Maybe I’m too young to understand, but I hope I will understand one day. This is how I see it. If you have something you value and it doesn’t work out the first time, I guess you just let it go and eventually get over it. But when it happens the second time you become the fool. Or do you? I think that mental abuse stays in the heart for a very long time. And that is the negative outlook for the future. How many times can you allow yourself to start over? Why not start at all? For me the end has always been the beginning. To be happy is a struggle these days, because love is blind. Once you take a piece of someone’s heart, you have damaged them for life. If you cross the wrong paths, pieces of the heart are very valuable, and meaningful. Sometimes love can over power you, it can make you do things that you would have never thought about doing. Think with your heart, because that is healing, don’t think with love because that’s just a feeling.
- 116 -
Looking I’ve been looking in all of the wrong places, for a cure without any bad traces. I have tried love, I have tried life, and I still have not found a solution. What could I possibly do to have a good conclusion? I’ve tried everything that I know how, I’ve tried to be a wife, but that can’t save me now. I guess I will have to pray, but wait a minute, I’m alive but I can’t move today.
- 117 -
Many Ways Show me the many ways that you can love me. Show me the many ways that you care. Show me how you can treat me better than any other man. Show me the way; show me that everything will be fine. Show me everything that is on your mind. Show me the way to your heart. P.S. Please do it soon!
- 118 -
Mentally Mentally my thoughts have been invaded. By wishes, and dreams, that may never come true. What I once thought to be true and real, I no longer feel. I feel unbalanced and wasted, and I can no longer be tasted. By anyone who has since enough to understand my views. Should I give up my golden shoes? Or shall I lay low in the darkness, and watch the world laugh at me? When I am unleashing what was once tied down.
- 119 -
My Angel You beautiful sugar coated wings, spread out as you begin to fly above the clouds. As the wind blows through your hair, not once did you shiver. As your passing through you realize that, you see people that you were once like. As you think back about all of the things you’ve been through. You are glad you made a change. Your brown stained eyes twinkle at the sight of light. You float in the sky, looking for someone to help, but all the while the one who needed help the most was me, just me guardian angel.
- 120 -
My Broken Hands My broken hands can’t serve a put together heart, because mine has not yet been mended. There is no space to put any love in between. My broken hands can’t hold the weight of the world, and it surely can’t bear the weight of you, and all of your lies in between. My broken hands can’t heal you why? Because I have a broken heart. Jan 1, 2000
- 121 -
My Dream The night of my lonely days, seem to stay longer as I see your eyes against the soft moon lit sky. The stars all shine on your soft brown skin. As the wind plays its usual tune for the trees to dance to. Your heart still bleeds for me. But am I sure it’s not for another? Sweet words that you say melt in my ear as I listen. If you were to ever leave you would know, what you would be missing. My unglued heart makes yours whole. Because you have all of my missing pieces, that need to become glue again. But only by your love, I can survive.
- 122 -
My Needs As I look out of the window, and I see your face up in the clouds, I wonder if you’re thinking of me while I am trying to talk to you out loud. The days we had are left behind, but that can be renewed. Soon I want to see you, just as you once were. Even though we are far apart, I feel as though you are right with me. You are as close to my skin as you’ll ever be. If you could just show me that you love me, a little bit more. Then my nights will not be as long as they were before. I am but a person knocking on your door, if only you knew the love we could share, if you were to let me in. But as our season starts new feelings begin.
- 123 -
My Past My past is not of you, I thirst for more of what I can’t drink. I left what I hated, but once loved. I should have known you could not make a long string short, without cutting it. Why do I still bleed blood from a dry vessel? My past will never be of you but many different sources that you will never have come from. My future is of you, if we can drink out of the same cup. But yet thirst for more. Jan 1, 2000
- 124 -
My Place My place is warm and cozy with a nice fireplace, and an excellent view, soft blowing breeze, beautiful plants and trees. Clear blue sky don’t you wonder why? Because it’s my place, and imagination will take you high.
- 125 -
My Thoughts 1 What good is a message if it is not the whole truth, because the truth always remains inside? This is where most things start and end. What are you to do? When the people around you want to see you destroyed. You are talked about, and walked on by your own people. They think that you are changing but yet, it is the world around you. This cycle will not end unless you change. Let truth be in any message that you so speak, so there would be no back path into your mind leading others in the wrong direction. There are messages out there that will change your life, but will you be the one to write it? Will you allow yourself to speak of truth, into the ears of the listening? Or will you continue to speak to the death? Because you think that they can’t hear you? You will always have twisted thoughts, in your mature mind. And maybe even sometimes, your thoughts will over power the way you see other people. And yet they can careless what you think of them. But knowing the truth can set you free, in any given situation in life. Lies are just like double-spaced lines, there is nothing in between. Don’t let your life become a empty space. Because there is no truth to fill it in, just hold on to your truths and never bend them.
- 126 -
One of Life's Lessons Rain is wet. The snow is cold, after you get soaked. You start to grow old.
- 127 -
Only You The words you speak to me make me feel good inside. Your love and the reflection of your heart will be my guide. You always understand how I feel, I hope this is for real. I like to see you every night and day; I always listen to what you say. When you stare into my eyes, I know what you’re saying it’s no surprise. Your heart and mind show the beauty of your thoughts. The sweet words you whisper to me will forever be on my mind. No one has ever treated me this kind. The love you give would be hard to miss. Who would have known we would end up like this?
- 128 -
Reflections The reflection of you in my mind, changes suddenly all of the time. The vision of the blue sky behind you suddenly turns gray. I am speechless but yet I have words to say. Your touch is no longer tender; you began to slowly drift away. In these days things are getting worse everyday. The reflection of your heart, no longer pour out my blood. Your love no longer moistens my lips. The sound of your voice is dying out, in my reflection of you.
- 129 -
Seed The seed that you have planted extends your love to my heart. It’s only to ensure that we will never part. As the roots grow out, I begin to understand, how one seed could hold together a woman and a man. I hope we stay on top of the soil, and continue to grow as one, because the seed that we have, will keep growing towards the sun.
- 130 -
Silent Whispers You whisper your sweet voice in my ear. But I do not hear you. You talk about your love for me. But I do not hear you. You talk about how you need me. But I do not hear you. You talk about all of your truths that I think are lies. But I have never really heard your story. Until you looked in my eyes. But I still do not hear you…
- 131 -
Simple It’s simple to trust someone, but it’s hard to lie. It’s simple to kill someone, but it’s hard for you to die. It’s simple to break someone’s heart, but it’s hard to get yours broken. It’s easy to have different feelings, but it’s hard to feel the same. If you have ever been in love you already know this game.
- 132 -
Sitting Here Sitting here in this lonely place, it feels like I have no space. No space to breathe, no space to move. But it seems like everyone else is in the groove. Sitting here wishing I didn’t have to go any place I didn’t want to go. But Lord knows the things I go through, sitting here just wasting time away. Waiting for another boring day, sitting here there is no happiness, and no joy. It’s just like having a broken toy. It is useless; it just sits there until you do away with it. Sitting here I can’t stand to get up; I just want to sit here all day. If you listen to this poem; you will understand how I feel all day.
- 133 -
Slightly Confused I wonder how he feels about me. Could it be one day or could it not be? Did your feelings change for me after a while? Or did I just cramp your style? When you call me I’m not there, could it be that I don’t care? Well all these feelings I have for you, I just wanted to know if you love me to.
- 134 -
Sounds of the Heart How softly does the silent wind blow? As you speak of love from your lips, to the depths of my soul. I hear the beats of your dying heart. You want to speak louder but yet, you’re not sure of your ever changing feelings. You hold deep dark secrets in your heart that you would not ever share. That is the sounds of your heart, but yet you do not care.
- 135 -
Special Call The distance between us, separated us for a while. And that made me more willing to go the mile. To be lonely, and to be blue, I would do anything just to receive that special call from you. Just to hear your voice would be a pleasure. It is because of God that we are together. How desperately I look around, waiting to feel you near. But when I come back down to reality, I realize you aren’t here. I wish that I could trust you, but I don’t know what to do. You’re so far away, I need love to. I promise that I would stay on top of things. And that I wouldn’t let myself fall. But all I’m hoping and praying for is that one special call.
- 136 -
Suddenly You Turn Around and… And you have an incurable disease, there is nothing you can do yet your mind is at ease. Everyday you live like it is your very last. You do not know how it happened, but you think it happened in the past. Suddenly you turn around and there is no hope, nothing to hold on to. The next breath you take could be your last. How did all of this happen so fast? The life you took advantage of, you will soon regret. You start to think back on the days when you used to have fun. Now it seems all o f a sudden you don’t have anyone. You feel neglected and really out of place. Things are getting so bad for you, you feel like you have lost the race. You try to move but you can’t all you can do is pray. You want to die, but something still allows you to stay. You are tired of the pain and the sorrow, so suddenly this happened. You wonder will there be a tomorrow. Through the years you start to waste away and die. All of this happened, but you still wonder why.
- 137 -
The 4 Little Girls 4 little girls were taken out of this world because of the color of their skin; the bomb was planted in a church that the 4 little girls were in. The KKK did not care that they had committed such a sin. Inside I knew that they knew it wasn’t right. Everyone was so heart broken, nobody slept that night. All the mothers wanted to do is hold their innocent daughters tight. It is a shame that racism had to lead to death. Jesus Christ didn’t make us all different for our health, and the memory of those 4 little girls, we will always remember. Because no one in this world will ever forget what happened in September.
- 138 -
The Days The days and nights are spent without you by my side. The ways of the world shift, and we have no where to hide. My worries are forgotten when I’m with you. And my pain is not alone, for it is with you, and your heart, that I have found a home. The only place I feel safe is with you, in your arms I will forever be. Me with you, and you with me, not a day goes by that I don’t think of you, and your soft kisses in the wind, that trickles across the top of my lips. My heart will forever be empty until we meet again. The tears I will cry will remain dry until we are reunited again.
- 139 -
The Desert Dry cruel place, no raindrops no tears. Everyone is silent with fears; there is no room for growth in the dry sand. The wind won’t obey any of your commands. The nights are long, and they leave you impatient to wait for another day. How cruel is the desert, what a time to waste, with no where to go. In a place full of sin, this is the world that we live in.
- 140 -
The End The end is where I left you, silent without tears. The end is where you shall stay. You have stolen my heart, but like trash you threw it all away. What about everything we shared? And what about all of the sweet things we used to say. Why didn’t I figure you out before? Why couldn’t I have found something better or something more? But as for you it’s the end, so don’t speak just go. Because it’s you that I once loved so, and now it’s time for me to go.
- 141 -
The Last Time I will breathe for the last time. I will cry for the last time. I will love for the last time. I will be alone for the last time. Now I will see you for the last time.
- 142 -
The Lonely Heart The lonely heart receives no love; it knows nothing about the heavens above. It will not open up to anyone; it will die in its own darkness and pain. It will stay away from anyone without shame. The lonely heart doesn’t know night from day. That’s why love is never sent its way; a lonely heart will never recover, unless it finds a truthful lover.
- 143 -
The Lost One There is a lost child who wanders from place to place. The child’s mind is filled with darkness, and hatred, to the core of its heart. The child can’t see, because it is blinded by its own fears, fears of letting another get to close. As the child walks down the cracked sidewalks, it tries to make pictures of its past with the clouds, which resemble soft cotton balls. The heated sun slightly burns its skin, during the course of the journey. The child passes by a garbage can, the smell of decomposing food, would make anyone sick. But yet the child grabs for whatever its little hands can carry. At night a violent storm emerges, and the child finds shelter, between two old boxes. The child stays there until the storm is over. But the child doesn’t know that death is near. In the morning the air is still, and the child is frozen stiff from the night before. But yet no one comes to the rescue, because no one wants to rescue the lost one.
- 144 -
The Love of My Life I wish the love of my life could be a person with a clear mind, a person with a nice look, a person that touches my soul every time they walk by. A person that knows what they want to do in life, a understanding person who knows what I feel. And when I find that special person, they will know how I feel. The love of my life will cause problems, and there will be much less pain. The love of my life, will always know when you do evil there is no gain. The love of my life will love me forever, so forever we will stay. We will be together and stay together no matter what people say. The love of my life will always brighten up my day. The love of my life will protect me and not do me harm. The love of my life will always welcome me with his open arms. The love of my life will probably be so hard to find. I listen to others hopes and dreams and now I have found mine.
- 145 -
The New Girl There was a new girl in town. She had torn clothes, dingy socks, uneven hair, and cloudy eyes. She was very skinny and she didn’t talk much. She lived in a cheap looking trailer park. During the course of her life, her father badly abused her mother. And her father had repeatedly raped her. She went outside one day to take out the trash. And three kids, all with neat clean cut clothes on. They started to pick on her, and call her names. She ignored them for a while but after a couple of days, she decided that she could not take anymore of anything. Her small heart had been as generous and as loving as it possibly could. So she invited the three kids over, and offered them donuts, which she sprinkled rat poisoning on. After they ate, they left, and her mom and dad ate the rest. The next day everyone died, by this time the girl was very pleased with herself. Over the years in foster homes, she began to feel very sick. So her foster parents took her to the hospital, and they found out that she had A.I.D.S., of course from her father, and so she slowly wasted away. But everyone in that town will always remember the new girl. And they also watch closely who they talk about.
- 146 -
There There was a snowstorm then, there was a hurricane then, there was a rainstorm then, there was a windstorm then, and then there was a tornado. But only you swept me off my feet.
- 147 -
Through the Storms Through the storms you have been my shelter from the rain. Through the storms you have felt my pain. Through the storms you held my hand, and guided me through the blurry chapters that life has stored upon me.
- 148 -
Tomorrow Good-night to all my pain, good-bye to all of my sorrow, all of these things that I am going through, I can’t wait until tomorrow. My river is dried, my pain blocks the sun. Tomorrow when will it come? My heart is in pieces all over the floor, they usually piece themselves back together, but not anymore. Tomorrow is a day on which I cannot rely. So I won’t wait until tomorrow will just go ahead and die.
- 149 -
Twisted Mind The twisted mind full of confusion and illusions, the visions that you have are taking over your ways of thinking. The darkness surrounds you, your heart beats fast, and you wonder when the twisted thoughts will all past. You reach out and suddenly you remember no one can help you, because no one cares. Your speechless, scared, and alone, these are the things that you don’t want to be. But you twisted mind has you blind and unable to see. How will you get out into the light? Or will you let your twisted mind continue to blind you with all of its might?
- 150 -
I As I walk into the mist that keeps me lying low. I vision my feelings and they grow all so slow. Because I let the love that was so perfect go. All for something that was not right. How the hell will I be able to sleep tonight? The highs and lows shifts as the wind blows. The hardest thing knows that I can’t return. Return to the love that I loved, but only for a small amount. Now I have nothing, and for the most part I am not worth a dime. Because everything ran dry before I knew it was time.
- 151 -
Untitled 2 Not one but two, two is more than one. Anymore than two equals less fun. Confused you may be, but you think it’s only one me. Who should you turn to, to make sure everything will be fine. You can’t tell because even you find yourself hard to define. Does love mean everything or is it just simple passion? Is it just a phase that you wish you did not go through? None of this matters, because if you’re reading this you obviously don’t know what to do.
- 152 -
What What What you What you did What you did will What you did will never What you did will never be What you did will never be forgotten What you did will never be forgotten because What you did will never be forgotten because it What you did will never be forgotten because it was What you did will never be forgotten because it was not What you did will never be forgotten because it was not maintained What you did will never be forgotten because it was not maintained by What you did will never be forgotten because it was not maintained by your What you did will never be forgotten because it was not maintained by your heart What you did will never be forgotten because it was not maintained by your heart but What you did will never be forgotten because it was not maintained by your heart but by What you did will never be forgotten because it was not maintained by your heart but by your What you did will never be forgotten because it was not maintained by your heart but by your thoughts What you did will never be forgotten because it was not maintained by your heart but by your thoughts I What you did will never be forgotten because it was not maintained by your heart but by your thoughts I laid What you did will never be forgotten because it was not maintained by your heart but by your thoughts I laid upon What you did will never be forgotten because it was not maintained by your heart but by your thoughts I laid upon you.
- 153 -
When I When I was with you I was whole. When I was with you I never felt old. When I was with you every touch you gave me, made me love you more. When I was with you, you were always the key to my door. When I was with you, and it was your last breath, it was mine to. When I was with you I felt secure and in place. When I was with you I always had a smile on my face. And now I am not with you, so I have to leave this place.
- 154 -
When I Went Away From You When I went away from you, I thought for thirty days, in many different ways. I felt that you loved me, but you didn’t care. I felt I could have trusted you but you were not there. I want to be with you, never leave me alone. When I went away from you I left my only home.
- 155 -
When You When you kissed me and told me good-bye, I would not lick my lips, even if they were dry. When you left me I tried not to cry. When you said I love you, those words played over and over in my mind again. When you held my hand I never wanted to let yours go. When you wanted to take our love further, I had to say no. But when you walked away, I just let you go. November 1, 1999 Thoughts: My love leaves me once again, but only to return.
- 156 -
Wherever You Are Wherever you are, you are in my prayers. I dream about you every night, I sense you all around me. But yet were still far apart. Let my days of darkness be your guiding light. I hope I see you again soon, please don’t give up the fight. Wherever you are I want you to know. From the day you left me, my heart felt like snow. Please come back wherever you are. I need you in my life; I hope you’re not far.
- 157 -
Wind As the wind blows silently past my ears, I sit and wonder about all of my fears. And as I came to a conclusion, my only fear was losing you. How would I be able to go on another day? I am lost without you, I’ll lose my mind. I couldn’t bear to face the world alone. And to just go unnoticed without you, will just have to suit me fine. But if you leave me, think about what you would be leaving behind.
- 158 -
Winning Winning is hard. Losing is harder, Giving up takes no effort at all.
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You Never When she smiled at you, you almost cried. You never did that over me and I almost died. Your day is perfect the moment she passes by. Your eyes connect with hers, when she speaks. I wish it could be me, one day out of the week. You never pay attention, to anything I have to say. But the less she speaks the more you want to pay her way. The love she gives you is not like mine, you never ever left her behind. My blue sky is colored gray, with all of the things you say. She is like a pot of gold, what about the dreams that I hold? You would never think twice, about laying your life on the line for anyone but me. Is this how it’s supposed to be? She is a devil in disguise, but yet you’ll never get passed her big brown eyes.
- 160 -
You You fill my heart with joy, you give me lots of love, and you excite my heart. I hope we never part, you are my special friend. From now until the end, you amaze me everyday. There are so many things I want to say, you looking at me makes me happy everyday. You look so beautiful to touch; I want to hold you so much. I am glad you’re with me, there’s so much we can be. That’s why it’s clear to see, that you mean so much to me.
- 161 -
You Took Me Away You took me away from all that I know. You took me away and I had no where to go. You locked me away somewhere that I didn’t want to stay. I told you no but you kept on, I said stop, and you said go. You touched me in all the wrong ways, now because of you, I will always have bad days. Didn’t you say you love me? Didn’t you say you cared? How could you do this to me? Do you know what you have put me through? I am unable to do the things everyone else does, because of you. I tried to get away. Was it really my fault yesterday? You overpowered me, you hurt me so bad. But don’t worry you secret is safe with me. If anyone found out what will they think of me? You took me away, because you had something in mind. But I think right now, I’m running out of time to find myself, and to find you. I am helpless now; I am no one with something to prove, but yet I am still unable to make a move, because you took me away.
- 162 -
Dear Life I really don’t understand what’s going on. Someone that I played kind of came back and haunted me. Why is it that I can be with someone, but not really get over the other person? But I can’t stand them with anyone else. What am I to do? I want to cry after I have not seen that person for a long time. Why is it taking so much time to get over this person? I moved on because I thought it would help me, but it made things worse. I would give anything to make things right, when you move on things are supposed to get better, and not worse. Will my heart be forever with this person? It seems like I can’t move on, there is no substitution for what I had. What can I do now though? I am hurting so much inside I wish someone would fell my pain, and maybe things would be different. I really don’t think that a relationship is right for me because I can’t seem to keep on alive. I try time after time to forget you, but I know that I just can’t right now, it seems like I will not be happy with anyone else. My love is still as strong as it was on the first day of new love. I do however love someone else but it’s not that type of love, it’s not deep enough to penetrate the heart to make it stop beating. Maybe I will move on, but that would be really hard. After all of this time can love connect after it is old, or after it has been messed up? I never want to get married; women and men are all bullshit. It’s mind over matter, and with me matter took control of my thinking. I am leaving though on Tuesday without even facing old flames a second time. Why can’t I just get what I want? It’s so sad that I have to live with these feelings. Is it my heart or is it my mind? When I see my so called love I want to burst out with the words “take me back”. But I know that even now that would not be the right thing to do. I’ll be back in a controlling world, but the fact is I deserve everything that I have been getting. But I think it’s time for things to start looking up. What do I need to do to forget this part of my life? Lord I am so sorry for what I have done, but my heart is still aching for a certain type of love. I wonder will I ever have that love again. Maybe, but these strong feelings need to release me once and for all. A part of me wants to forget and another part of me wants to always cherish and remember, only because now I can’t touch or can’t have what I want. I really don’t need what I want or do I? Only God knows what I need but maybe it’s not good anyway. But a part of me doesn’t even care, I just want what I want and that’s it. But I did think that I was in a healthy relationship, but maybe that wasn’t good enough for me either. Well what is good for me then? I don’t want any relationships no time soon though, I just want to be through for now, because either way I go my happiness will not fulfill me as a whole. So maybe I have changed, because I don’t even have friends, I don’t need them anyway. I guess when it comes to friends and guy’s things just don’t want to work out for me. Maybe things will look up soon but until then I quit, because I have to cleanse myself first.
- 163 -
All I Want Is You I don’t want a fancy house, and a big car, all I want is you. I don’t want all your money, Is that a problem for you? I don’t need fancy outfits, and a fancy hair do, all I want is you. I don’t want any fancy pick-up lines, or any expensive blinds, all I want is you. I don’t want expensive jewelry, or an expensive pet. All I want is you and I haven’t got you yet. All I want is you, your heart and soul, because me and you together are as rich as a pot of gold.
- 164 -
All You Have Done You have accused my truths with your false lips. You have made me poor with all of your riches. You have made me sad with all of your happiness. You have torn my heart in two because yours is whole. You have made me sick because of your wellness. Now you are bringing death upon me because you live.
- 165 -
Am I Really strange Am I really strange? I ask myself today, or am I just listening to what other people say? They say I never comb my hair, they say I don’t wear underwear. They say I have boogers hanging out of my nose, they say I have toe jam in between my toes. They say I don’t brush my teeth. They say I am dirty. And that my lips are cracked and dry, they say I have little red spots on my left thigh. Well for all you people, who said these things, please get out of my hair. Because now I know I have jealous people talking about me everywhere.
- 166 -
Everyday of My Life I have problems, everyday of my life. I get talked about everyday of my life. I get up early everyday of my life. I deal with people everyday of my life. I learn nothing everyday of my life. So therefore I wish I could change everyday of my life.
- 167 -
Feeling Blue I am able to breathe, but I’m still feeling blue. I can't forget the past; because I lost you. The sun no longer shines, the stars no longer glow. I’m feeling blue over you now where do I go? I'm tired of living this life, if I have to live it without you. That's why I’m feeling blue over you.
- 168 -
Feelings Feelings are like a rug, everyone steps on them. Every night and day I pray, that these hurt feelings will go away. My rug is worn out, and my patience is thin. I don’t think I have any feelings left from within. I have been treated so wrong; tell I don’t want to go on. I am tired of being stepped on, and hung out to dry. I have no feelings left, now you understand why.
- 169 -
Forget The Past I know I have done plenty of things, to make this relationship last. But all I am asking of you is to please forget the past. You know I love you, you know I care. For you I would do anything and go anywhere. I know you are wondering how I could have done such things to make this last .But all I am asking you now is please forget the past.
- 170 -
How I Feel Now... Everyday I wish my life was different. Why did I have to fall in love with you? Why do I have to feel this way? I need to rid myself of these feelings, before they consume my heart. I need to break free of this life before I become the sacrifice. I can't handle this life, this love, and these feelings. Everyday you and I cross paths and as I watch you sleeping, I wish I was the cover that makes you so warm at night. But I know you don't really want me, because you’re afraid of what might happen to your heart. So I will sit back, move on and let you go. But I will be hurting for more than one reason, and I will try to remember love comes only for a season. P.S. What is not planned will show up eventually.
- 171 -
Just A Little More I have been drinking for several years, now I just need a little more. I have been smoking for several years, now I need a little bit more. I have done drugs for several years, and I just need a little bit more. I have tried everything and so much more, and my body still hasn’t shut down. But now I just can’t figure out why I’m 6 feet underground.
- 172 -
Last Time for Love The love of my life has left me, never to return again. The love that I once knew was my lover and my friend. I never knew that it was the last time for our love, or that it would ever end. The life that we had together, made the pieces of the puzzle come together, that my life had been missing. I would give anything to feel your gentle kiss across my lips, yet I can not reach you. I cry at night and call out your name. Do you hear me? Who would have known, in just a few seconds that you would not be near me? You will live forever in my heart, and not even death will do us apart. April 26, 2001
- 173 -
Leave Me Alone Please leave me alone, can’t you see I am having a bad day. Can’t you see that I don’t have a thing to say? When I’m not talking to you, don’t talk to me, I don’t want to be bothered today can’t you see. I want to be left alone, please don’t call me on the phone. I don’t want to work, I don’t want to play. Please people leave me alone today, please stop asking me what’s wrong, and do I have a problem? I wouldn’t tell anyone anyway, because no one can solve them. Just get away, leave me alone, and let me hold my head down. If you bother me one more time, you might find yourself on the ground.
- 174 -
Let Me Be I don't have time for your lies, because it's causing me pain. If people would just let me be, I would not be insane. They talk about me in my face and behind my back. I am sick of people, why can't they let me be. I do not bother people. They bother me, leave me alone let me go my separate way. Maybe if you do that we will have a better day. Let me be, my life would be much better, if you only knew why we aren't together.
- 175 -
Life Is Like A Highway Life is like a high way, there are twists and turns. Life is like a highway, if you go the wrong way you might get burned. Life is like a highway, there are only two lanes, the fast lane and the slow lane. Which lane in life have you taken?
- 176 -
Lonely As I sit in my room all by my self. I wonder what it would be like to be someone else, to go shopping with a friend, to get out of the house. People think that I am as quiet as a mouse. I think wonderful thoughts like they do to; In fact the road I live by is lonely to. I’ve walked down that road plenty of times. I wish I could turn back the hands of time. To make my life worth living again, to call someone on the phone and say hi friend! I am so lonely I might go insane, so pray for me that I might find a friend, before my life comes to an end.
- 177 -
Me First When I go to the store, I just cut people in line. Me first I say, so move to the back of the line. I’m first at the ATM machine, I’m first in the class, and I am first at the grocery store. I’m the first one to get a raise; would someone tell me why I am the first one in a grave?
- 178 -
My own little park I wish I had my own little park, with soft green grass to lay on until dark. The wind will blow, the birds will sing, Isn’t this just a wonderful thing? The flowers are blooming; the soil is rich and clean. Isn’t this a magical scene? The trees are beautiful, the sun is bright, and I don’t think I will go home tonight. I wish I had my own magical park, so I can stay there, and stay there, until it becomes dark.
- 179 -
On My Own All my life I've been on my own, I never had a place to call home. No one wanted to take me in, I try to forget that but it plays over and over in my mind again, on my own without a friend, trying to start my life over, trying to begin. On my own it's needless to say, I will never amount to anything anyway.
- 180 -
Peanut Butter and Jelly You and I are like peanut butter and jelly, because we are so close. I am the jelly; you are the peanut butter, which one do you like the most? I’ve known you for years; we have cried each others tears, so you don’t have to boast. We are so much like peanut butter and jelly because we are always together. You can tell we are really good friends in any kind of weather. We are like peanut butter and jelly, because we will be together forever.
- 181 -
Your Love Touched Me Your love touched me with a song, a song that lasted all night long, a kiss for everyday that you missed. Our souls go together like hand in glove, you have a secret way for showing all your love. On my sleepless nights and lonely days, I dream of you in so many ways, your love touched me, and it went right to the heart. What would I become if we ever were apart? Your touch is gentle with a everlasting feel, your love touched me now my wounds can heal. Many things besides words can express how I feel, everyday I have to pinch myself to see if this is real. I love you dearly and I hope you know this is for real. Tell death do us apart, now do you understand how I feel?
- 182 -
Secret Letter#20 Sometimes I sit and wonder. How did I ever end up this way? In my life when I want to quit, I keep on going. In my relationships when things were not right, I kept it all together. When they hit me and beat me, what did I do? I stayed and I supported them emotionally. But what do I ever get in return. What money, a ride, computer usage. Does this all equal to reward for dealing with all to bullshit. I don’t think I will ever be rewarded. Why? Because I am priceless, but it seems after all of this I am sort of losing myself. After all why do women get involved with such abusive men? Whose fault is it really? Well I’ll tell you whose fault it is. It is mostly ours, because we notice a sign of an anger problem. But since we are so loving and thoughtful we still stay. Stay, stay, stay are the key words in this story because this is exactly what we do. We will never leave their sorry butts. Well once again I am in the same bad relationship, and things are not working out. So this time instead of going around in circles again. Soon as the Lord gives me a way out I am taking it head on. And the thing is sometimes I am selfish with certain things. But I am a very giving person in general. But I get no credit, no love, just heartache and pain. The good times don’t last long enough for me to enjoy them. I need something else though, something more than what I have now. Lord I know that you are not supposed to hate anyone, but I hate men. I am finally through no more dating for me. All of then are the same. So no more sex until I’m married. What is it about their anger that draws them to me? And I have noticed that they care about your job or rather you’re in school or not. And that plays a big part in the whole thing. They use that against you to keep you. And they are very judge mental also, verbally and physically abusive, as well as mental abuse. Well bye for now, no more tears. Bite the bullet. Written: By the one who is always ran over by others. Nov 08, 2002
- 183 -
Spring Time Spring time is near, the water is crystal clear. The fruit is good and ripe, come on and take a bite. The air is fresh, the flowers bloom, and I hope winter does not come real soon. Spring time is here to stay, well for a couple of months anyway. So enjoy the water, the fruit, and the fun. For spring time is over, even though you just begun.
- 184 -
Suicide I want to leave this world now, because I have no life. I am thinking about using a gun, or shall I use a knife? It doesn't matter what I say or do, I just hope suicide is not a option for you. You can say don't do it, or it's not right. But your not the one crying every night, I will leave now and let this world be, because everything in this world will be better without me.
- 185 -
Sweet Prince Sweet prince, please come to me with a rich heart. I hope you’re as sweet as you say, so we will never part. Your eyes are blue like the lit sky. When people see you they have to stop and sigh. Sweet prince you’re as sweet as a jellybean, the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen, skin of satin, golden brown hair. Sweet prince please come to me, I think it’s only fair.
- 186 -
The Place I Once Knew There was a place that I once knew, where the ground was rich, and the sky was blue, where the water was crystal clear and clean. And the trees were tall and the leaves were green. This place is real and I loved it so. But now that it's gone I have no where to go.
- 187 -
The Road Ends Here This is the end, I can't take anymore. You have robbed me of my riches and now I am poor. You say hurtful things, you bring me down. Ever since I met you I felt lower than the ground. You have so many negative thoughts going through your head. I am surprised you’re still living and not dead. Everything I say seems to make you think, but I didn't say anything when I saw you crying over the sink. The road ends here if you don't get it together, because at the end of the road, there is no sunshine in stormy weather.
- 188 -
Then Came You…… The other day I didn’t know your name, and now it seems like you’re always on my mind. I wake to hear your voice; I go to bed to see you the next day. I hang up the phone to call you back again. I fall so you can catch me, I cry knowing that you will catch my tears. I talk to you knowing that you will listen, you are the joy in my life you are my truth. You are my little present in a big box; you’re my guidance in the worse storm. I didn’t know you, I didn’t feel you, and I didn’t need you. But I was all alone and then came you. For so long you were invisible, non existent, gone. But I waited and waited and then came you.
- 189 -
Why Why do people run over me, what have I done? I have not yet fought a battle, but yet I feel that it has all ready been won. I have feelings to, do people understand? Do they care? All they care about is what they need, and what they think they deserve. I am tired of the lies, and everything people say. What makes them think they are better than me anyway? People are selfish; they always want everything to go their way. They never stop and listen to what I have to say. People have their own opinions, and their own morals to. Let me do what I want, and I will leave you alone to. Let me be and think the way I want to think. Let me live my life, let me succeed you are holding me from my blessings, because of your greed. Understand me and my justifications for things. Why must people put me down when they can do other things?
- 190 -
Who Is He? I pray to him every night, and he answers my prayers. I love him so much, I have to pray while I am walking down the stairs. I've hit rock bottom and he has brought me a float. And when the doctors said I had 3 days to live, he said you won't be leaving now. Because you still have a lot more to give. He is the one who turns night to day, who is he you say? You should know who he is by now, because he has all ready paid your way.
- 191 -
Where to Find Love You don’t find love down the street, or in a car, or even hanging out at the bar. You don’t find it in a store; gosh do I have to go on some more? Not in a tree, not in the sky and definitely no one who just passes by. You find love in someone’s heart, their soul and their mind. If you follow what I just said, true love you will find.
- 192 -
What Is Love Love comes from the heart, it means till death do us apart. Feelings for each other flourish everyday, they never keep secrets from each other, and they just say what they have to say. Love is beautiful, pure and sweet, sometimes love will knock you off your feet. Love takes two not just one, if you have not fell in love yet, your journey has not yet begun.
- 193 -
Voices of the Night As I awake and hear the soft wind calling me out to play. I say leave me, for it has not become day. The moon is lit, the sun has gone down. There are little drops of rain falling on the ground. The street is glistening all shiny and bright. As I look up to see a star getting ready for its flight. The stars are dancing in the sky tonight. They call me to dance with them upon their shining light. With all these wonderful voices, who will sleep tonight?
- 194 -
Turning My Life Around I am finally deciding to turn my life around. Oh! How good it would feel to get my feet off the ground. Well to be frank, I’ll be the best dressed woman in town; I’ll walk around with a golden crown. Real jewelry, name brand clothes, I just might get rid of all these moles. I make $5.00 an hour, well oh! Gee. I guess turning my life around; will be the hardest thing for me.
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