INT. KITCHEN NIGHT A trash bin is absolutely OVERFLOWING with tissues. It's a MOUNTAIN of tissues, if you will.
Staring into the mountain is RICK NEWMAN, a 16 year old with an EXTREMELY runny nose. You could say he has the worst cold in human history. RICK (V.O.) You could say I have the worst cold in human history. I have had it for two months, five days, and... He glances at the clock above the oven RICK (V.O.) (CONTD) Thirteen hours. I have no idea how I got it, but I will do just about anything to get rid of it. Rick sniffles. RICK (V.O.) I haven't always been a stay at home guy. At one point after high school I moved out and got my own place. But then I fell behind and got lazy and long story short; I got evicted and moved back in with my mom. The phone RINGS and RICK runs over to pick it up. RICK Hello? Derek! Thank god you called, I'm going crazy man. I feel so left out, what's been going on? DEREK (O.C.) Nothing. RICK Nothing?! SOMETHING must have happened! I haven't hung out with anyone in two months, and everyone always makes those super-vague facebook statuses that mean practically nothing at all! Come on, give me even the saddest story you've got. DEREK (O.C.) Well, there is one thing. RICK Tell me, tell me, tell me! DEREK (O.C.) I need you to come outside.
RICK glances out his window, the sun has set and his suburban neighborhood is TRANQUIL. RICK I can't. I've got like a mutant cold. It'll latch onto anyone and spread. I'm like a less-cool zombie. DEREK (O.C.) Doesn't matter. Rick, I need you out here. RICK makes his way to the front door, phone in hand, when he STOPS just before opening the door. RICK Derek, what's going on? DEREK (O.C.) Is your mom home? RICK No, she's working. DEREK (O.C.) Good. Just come outside please. RICK hesitates, a beat of silence DEREK (O.C.) Please. RICK opens the door EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREET. NIGHT Below a yellow streetlight sits DEREK, hands tied, and next to him stand two scrawny teenagers. They speak in slight, botched ITALIAN accents. SCRAWNY TEENAGER #1 Well, if it isn't Howard Hughes himself! Your father owes us money, Mr. Hughes, and from what I heard, your father skipped town to Vegas a few weeks ago. That puts you, and your friend here in a bit of a bind. RICK So is this The Aviator or The Godfather, because either way, you're butchering it Tom. The Italian accent vanishes completely. TOM Goddamn it, Rick, you really are a
buzz kill! Also, if I was you, I wouldn't tempt me, because I have your friend all tied up. RICK If you were me, I would be you, so Derek would be fine. TOM That's not how that works! RICK waves at the second scrawny teenager. RICK Hey, Brian. BRIAN Hey, Rick. RICK Tom needed a ride? BRIAN Yup. TOM Shut. Up. Now, me and Brian came here for a specific purpose. Wanna guess why? RICK To kill us? TOM Correctomundo. Now, Brian and I each have a full clip in our guns. We are not afraid to empty these clips onto your bodies. Do I make myself clear? RICK ...Yes. TOM 'Course I do. Now, why, you might be asking yourself, am I trying to kill you? Because. My father put out a hit on your family. Since you move constantly, I had to ask Brian here where the hell you lived, so I could arrange this whole thing. RICK 'K.... TOM My father asked me to take you out so that your father knew he was serious. So, being the good son that I am, I obliged. And now,
young Skywalker... you will die. Derek, who is held by Brian's left arm, and Brian's right has a hand gun, headbutts Brian, knocking the gun out of his hand, and kicks it over to Rick. Rick picks it up and points it at Tom. RICK I don't know what the fuck I just did, but it was awesome... TOM If you even think about shooting that thing at me... RICK Why the hell would I wanna do something like that? You haven't hurt me yet! TOM Not yet, you say? Tom points his gun at Derek's head. RICK The FUCK are you doing, man? TOM Either point that gun away from me, or I will kill your best friend. RICK Don't fucking touch him. TOM I'm gonna count to 3. RICK I said don't FUCKING TOUCH HIM, TOM! TOM 1. RICK GODDAMMIT, I WILL BLAST YOUR ASS TO THE GRASS IF YOU DON'T POINT THAT GUN BACK AT ME! TOM 2. RICK Say 3 and see what happens, Tom. Don't FUCKING test me, you prick. TOM Thr--
BRIAN NO!! Brian jumps in front of Tom in a slow motion sequence, as the bullet exits the gun, and hits Brian in the head. His lifeless body falls to the ground. RICK AND DEREK Holy... shit... TOM (startsÂ to slow clap) Bravo! Bravo, man! Excellent! Just brilliant! RICK I just fucking killed him! TOM Yes, sir you did. He's as dead as any animal that has ever died. And now you know what it's like. RICK What? TOM Contract killing, boys. It's my specialty. And Brian here, well, let's just say he's your first kill. RICK What? TOM Did I stutter? RICK No... TOM Then stop saying what! RICK Ok... TOM You should look into contract killing, you'd be good at it. RICK Man, what the fuck are you talking about? TOM That gun belonged to me. Now, if the police find out that my property killed this man, my ass will be grass.
Tom points the gun at his head. RICK What the fuck? That doesn't explain anything! TOM I've had a good life, boys. Sure it's not what everyone did, but it was pretty great. See you all in the next world. Tom kills himself. Rick vomits. Derek vomits because of that vomit. DEREK Was he seriously that worried about getting in trouble, that he killed himself to cover up the evidence? RICK No, Derek, he was just fucking insane... DEREK Let's get the fuck outta here. Call your dad and see what in Thor's name is going on here! RICK That sounds like a good idea to me. OPENING CREDITS Credits fade out. Fade in p.o.v. toilet looking up, rick is scrubbing it out. INT. BATHROOM, 9 A.M. Rick's phone, whatever the popular phone is at the time, rings with the Peanuts theme song as his ringtone. Derek is on the caller I.D. He answers. RICK Heeellloo? DEREK Rick! It's me! RICK Yeah, I know, they invented caller I.D. a while ago, what's up? DEREK I'm in trouble, man! I need you to come over to my house!
RICK I wish I could but I'm cleaning my bathroom. DEREK FUCK YOUR BATHROOM, MAN! I'm in deep shit, and I need your help! RICK What's wrong, man? DEREK I can't talk about it! They might be listening. RICK They who? DEREK The government! RICK I doubt it. DEREK Seriously, dude, I can't talk about it! RICK Tell me, or I won't help you! DEREK Fuck.... fine... So, you know how me and Linda have been pretty serious, right? RICK Sure. DEREK Well, I asked her to be my wife like 2 weeks ago, but she said I needed her dad's blessing. RICK And? DEREK Well, he was a hard-ass about it, and said no. Well, you know me, and I don't normally take no for an answer. So I thought I would invite him over for dinner to change his mind, right? RICK (clueless) Ok...? DEREK
Well, I thought of a way to "take care of him" if you know what I mean. RICK HOLY SHIT, YOU FUCKING KILLED HIM? DEREK No, let me explain. I was planning on putting a poison in his food that triggers an embolism 6 hours after ingesting it. RICK You planned on killing him? What went wrong? DEREK Well, while preparing the dinner, I remembered that their family liked pineapples, so I put 2 pineapple slices on his, and other than that, the dishes were identical. RICK Ok... DEREK Well when he got there and was sitting down to eat I told him that I put pineapples in his food. He then informed me that he didn't like pineapples. So, absent-mindedly, I switched the dishes, forgetting that his plate had the poison in it. So, long story short, I killed my girlfriend. RICK WHAT?!?!? DEREK It took 6 hours for the thing to pop, and when it did, I started freaking out and hyperventilating, and I puked on my girlfriend. RICK So, right now, you not only killed your girlfriend, but you threw up on her dead body? DEREK Yeah... RICK When the fuck did this happen? DEREK
Last night. RICK WHAT? So you have her fucking body rotting in your house? DEREK I lit like 12 candles, I don't even smell it anymore. RICK That's fucked up, man! What the hell do you need me for? DEREK She's too heavy, and I can't lift her, and also, you have a pick-up truck. RICK You can't lift her? DEREK I can only bench like 80, now come on, man, hurry the fuck up! I need your help! RICK I......fuck! Rick hangs up, and leaves his bathroom EXT. RICK'S HOUSE, MID-DAY Rick gets in his truck, backs out of the driveway, and drives away. EXT. DEREK'S HOUSE, 20 MINUTES LATER Rick pulls up and gets out. He walks up to the house and rings the doorbell. RICK (to himself) Goddammit. DEREK (O.C.) Who is it? RICK Who the fuck do you think it is? DEREK ....It's open! Rick walks in. INT. DEREK'S HOUSE. Derek is smoking a joint while his girlfriend's corpse lies on the ground, foaming at the mouth.
RICK (looking at the body) Jesus. (looks over at Derek) What the hell? we see derek's naked butt on the right of the screen, and on the other, farther away, we see rick standing there. DEREK What? RICK Why are you naked? DEREK It got hot in here from all the candles, so I turned down the A.C. and accidentally broke it, so the summer heat took effect. And, since my girlfriend's dead, I can walk around the house naked, and it doesn't even matter. RICK Can you put some fucking clothes on? You're starting to get an erection, dude, and the only erect penis I want to see is mine! DEREK Fine! I guess. Derek walks towards the stairs and walks up them. RICK Shit! DEREK (O.C.) I'll grab the dufflebag! RICK Why? DEREK (O.C.) How the fuck else are we gonna carry her body around? RICK Will she fit? DEREK (O.C.) Dude, you could fit Gabriel Iglesias in this thing! RICK Okay, then. All of a sudden, Linda's hand twitches. RICK
The...fuck...? Linda starts to gain consciousness, and stands up, zombie-like with no life in her eyes. RICK Holy... shit... (to Derek) DUDE!!! DUUUDEE!! DEREK (O.C.) What? What is it? RICK Your girlfriend's a fuckin' zombie, dude! DEREK (O.C.) Very funny, man! RICK I'm not fucking kidding, you thundercunt! GET THE FUCK DOWN HERE! DEREK FINE! Just lemme get this suitcase down! Linda starts to walk towards Rick. RICK Shit! Rick runs into the kitchen and grabs a large butcher knife from the knife holder on the counter. DEREK Coming! (Slow motion) Rick throws the knife at Linda. The split second it hits her in between the eyes, the police kick in the door. POLICEMAN FREEZE! POLICE! The policeman runs into the kitchen, and sees Rick. POLICEMAN PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR, NOW! Derek falls down the stairs with his suitcase, still butt-ass naked. He lands at the bottom of the stairs, still alive. AMBIGUOUSLY GAY POLICEMAN Ooh! Now what do we have here? POLICEMAN (to Rick)
You're under arrest for murdering that woman! RICK No, no, man! She was a zombie, I swear! POLICEMAN BULLSHIT!! The policeman suddenly turns into a giant sasquatch. RICK JESUS TITTY-FUCKING CHRIST! The sasquatch-cop bends down and swipes Rick's head off, only the second before he does, Rick wakes up. INT. RICK'S CAR, DAY RICK HOLY FUCK BALLS!! DEREK WHAT??? RICK Oh... (pants) I had the most fucked up dream! DEREK Was I naked? RICK Yeah, how'd you know? DEREK I don't know, every person that has a dream about me has me naked in it. RICK That's... strange... DEREK Very. RICK Where are we? DEREK Somewhere between your house and the In-and-Out in Nevada your Dad told us to meet him at. RICK Que? DEREK You don't remember calling him and
him telling us to meet him at the In-and-Out in Nevada? RICK ...No... DEREK Seriously? RICK Seriously, I don't remember that. DEREK Strange. RICK What day is it? DEREK Sunday. RICK AH SHIT!! DEREK What? RICK Today was the Cheers marathon! DEREK Dude, you need to get out of the house more.