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Staring into the mountain is RICK NEWMAN, a 16 year old with an EXTREMELY runny nose. You could say he has the worst cold in human history. RICK (V.O.) You could say I have the worst cold in human history. I have had it for two months, five days, and... He glances at the clock above the oven RICK (V.O.) (CONTD) Thirteen hours. I have no idea how I got it, but I will do just about anything to get rid of it. Rick sniffles. RICK (V.O.) I haven't always been a stay at home guy. At one point after high school I moved out and got my own place. But then I fell behind and got lazy and long story short; I got evicted and moved back in with my mom. The phone RINGS and RICK runs over to pick it up. RICK Hello? Derek! Thank god you called, I'm going crazy man. I feel so left out, what's been going on? DEREK (O.C.) Nothing. RICK Nothing?! SOMETHING must have happened! I haven't hung out with anyone in two months, and everyone always makes those super-vague facebook statuses that mean practically nothing at all! Come on, give me even the saddest story you've got. DEREK (O.C.) Well, there is one thing. RICK Tell me, tell me, tell me! DEREK (O.C.) I need you to come outside.
RICK glances out his window, the sun has set and his suburban neighborhood is TRANQUIL. RICK I can't. I've got like a mutant cold. It'll latch onto anyone and spread. I'm like a less-cool zombie. DEREK (O.C.) Doesn't matter. Rick, I need you out here. RICK makes his way to the front door, phone in hand, when he STOPS just before opening the door. RICK Derek, what's going on? DEREK (O.C.) Is your mom home? RICK No, she's working. DEREK (O.C.) Good. Just come outside please. RICK hesitates, a beat of silence DEREK (O.C.) Please. RICK opens the door EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREET. NIGHT Below a yellow streetlight sits DEREK, hands tied, and next to him stand two scrawny teenagers. They speak in slight, botched ITALIAN accents. SCRAWNY TEENAGER #1 Well, if it isn't Howard Hughes himself! Your father owes us money, Mr. Hughes, and from what I heard, your father skipped town to Vegas a few weeks ago. That puts you, and your friend here in a bit of a bind. RICK So is this The Aviator or The Godfather, because either way, you're butchering it Tom. The Italian accent vanishes completely. TOM Goddamn it, Rick, you really are a
buzz kill! Also, if I was you, I wouldn't tempt me, because I have your friend all tied up. RICK If you were me, I would be you, so Derek would be fine. TOM That's not how that works! RICK waves at the second scrawny teenager. RICK Hey, Brian. BRIAN Hey, Rick. RICK Tom needed a ride? BRIAN Yup. TOM Shut. Up. Now, me and Brian came here for a specific purpose. Wanna guess why? RICK To kill us? TOM Correctomundo. Now, Brian and I each have a full clip in our guns. We are not afraid to empty these clips onto your bodies. Do I make myself clear? RICK ...Yes. TOM 'Course I do. Now, why, you might be asking yourself, am I trying to kill you? Because. My father put out a hit on your family. Since you move constantly, I had to ask Brian here where the hell you lived, so I could arrange this whole thing. RICK 'K.... TOM My father asked me to take you out so that your father knew he was serious. So, being the good son that I am, I obliged. And now,
young Skywalker... you will die. Derek, who is held by Brian's left arm, and Brian's right has a hand gun, headbutts Brian, knocking the gun out of his hand, and kicks it over to Rick. Rick picks it up and points it at Tom. RICK I don't know what the fuck I just did, but it was awesome... TOM If you even think about shooting that thing at me... RICK Why the hell would I wanna do something like that? You haven't hurt me yet! TOM Not yet, you say? Tom points his gun at Derek's head. RICK The FUCK are you doing, man? TOM Either point that gun away from me, or I will kill your best friend. RICK Don't fucking touch him. TOM I'm gonna count to 3. RICK I said don't FUCKING TOUCH HIM, TOM! TOM 1. RICK GODDAMMIT, I WILL BLAST YOUR ASS TO THE GRASS IF YOU DON'T POINT THAT GUN BACK AT ME! TOM 2. RICK Say 3 and see what happens, Tom. Don't FUCKING test me, you prick. TOM Thr--
BRIAN NO!! Brian jumps in front of Tom in a slow motion sequence, as the bullet exits the gun, and hits Brian in the head. His lifeless body falls to the ground. RICK AND DEREK Holy... shit... TOM (startsÂ to slow clap) Bravo! Bravo, man! Excellent! Just brilliant! RICK I just fucking killed him! TOM Yes, sir you did. He's as dead as any animal that has ever died. And now you know what it's like. RICK What? TOM Contract killing, boys. It's my specialty. And Brian here, well, let's just say he's your first kill. RICK What? TOM Did I stutter? RICK No... TOM Then stop saying what! RICK Ok... TOM You should look into contract killing, you'd be good at it. RICK Man, what the fuck are you talking about? TOM That gun belonged to me. Now, if the police find out that my property killed this man, my ass will be grass.
Tom points the gun at his head. RICK What the fuck? That doesn't explain anything! TOM I've had a good life, boys. Sure it's not what everyone did, but it was pretty great. See you all in the next world. Tom kills himself. Rick vomits. Derek vomits because of that vomit. DEREK Was he seriously that worried about getting in trouble, that he killed himself to cover up the evidence? RICK No, Derek, he was just fucking insane... DEREK Let's get the fuck outta here. Call your dad and see what in Thor's name is going on here! RICK That sounds like a good idea to me. OPENING CREDITS Credits fade out. Fade in p.o.v. toilet looking up, rick is scrubbing it out. INT. BATHROOM, 9 A.M. Rick's phone, whatever the popular phone is at the time, rings with the Peanuts theme song as his ringtone. Derek is on the caller I.D. He answers. RICK Heeellloo? DEREK Rick! It's me! RICK Yeah, I know, they invented caller I.D. a while ago, what's up? DEREK I'm in trouble, man! I need you to come over to my house!
RICK I wish I could but I'm cleaning my bathroom. DEREK FUCK YOUR BATHROOM, MAN! I'm in deep shit, and I need your help! RICK What's wrong, man? DEREK I can't talk about it! They might be listening. RICK They who? DEREK The government! RICK I doubt it. DEREK Seriously, dude, I can't talk about it! RICK Tell me, or I won't help you! DEREK Fuck.... fine... So, you know how me and Linda have been pretty serious, right? RICK Sure. DEREK Well, I asked her to be my wife like 2 weeks ago, but she said I needed her dad's blessing. RICK And? DEREK Well, he was a hard-ass about it, and said no. Well, you know me, and I don't normally take no for an answer. So I thought I would invite him over for dinner to change his mind, right? RICK (clueless) Ok...? DEREK
Well, I thought of a way to "take care of him" if you know what I mean. RICK HOLY SHIT, YOU FUCKING KILLED HIM? DEREK No, let me explain. I was planning on putting a poison in his food that triggers an embolism 6 hours after ingesting it. RICK You planned on killing him? What went wrong? DEREK Well, while preparing the dinner, I remembered that their family liked pineapples, so I put 2 pineapple slices on his, and other than that, the dishes were identical. RICK Ok... DEREK Well when he got there and was sitting down to eat I told him that I put pineapples in his food. He then informed me that he didn't like pineapples. So, absent-mindedly, I switched the dishes, forgetting that his plate had the poison in it. So, long story short, I killed my girlfriend. RICK WHAT?!?!? DEREK It took 6 hours for the thing to pop, and when it did, I started freaking out and hyperventilating, and I puked on my girlfriend. RICK So, right now, you not only killed your girlfriend, but you threw up on her dead body? DEREK Yeah... RICK When the fuck did this happen? DEREK
Last night. RICK WHAT? So you have her fucking body rotting in your house? DEREK I lit like 12 candles, I don't even smell it anymore. RICK That's fucked up, man! What the hell do you need me for? DEREK She's too heavy, and I can't lift her, and also, you have a pick-up truck. RICK You can't lift her? DEREK I can only bench like 80, now come on, man, hurry the fuck up! I need your help! RICK Sorry, man! I'm not being part of assisted murder! DEREK It's not assisted murder, I killed her, and I need your help to get rid of the body! RICK Also known as assisted murder! DEREK Do it! Or I swear I'll ruin you! RICK Did you just threaten to black mail me? DEREK Well... yeah... RICK I am the master of blackmail, dude! DEREK Bullshit! RICK Remember Horse Face in 8th grade? DEREK Yeah, Horse Face No Tits! What
about her? RICK Well, she was obsessed with me and asked me out numerous times, all of which I declined. DEREK Ok?? RICK Well one day she hacked into my phone and found a naked picture of me and threatened to send it to everyone I knew if I didn't go on a date with her. DEREK So what'd you do? RICK ...I hacked into her phone and found a picture of her sticking a sharpie in her cornhole. DEREK Fuck! No shit? RICK No shit. So I blackmailed her with the pictures and told her that I would delete hers if she deleted mine. DEREK Damn, you're good. RICK So, in conclusion, blackmail doesn't work on me, my friend. DEREK Seriously, dude, you're being a shitty friend! RICK Hey Derek? DEREK Yeah? RICK I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK! Rick hangs up. After 20 seconds of him thinking about the situation, he throws down the toilet brush. RICK Goddammit!
He leaves the bathroom. EXT. RICK'S HOUSE, MID-DAY Rick gets in his truck, backs out of the driveway, and drives away. EXT. DEREK'S HOUSE, 20 MINUTES LATER Rick pulls up and gets out. He walks up to the house and rings the doorbell. RICK (to himself) Goddammit. DEREK (O.C.) Who is it? RICK Who the fuck do you think it is? DEREK ....It's open! Rick walks in. INT. DEREK'S HOUSE. Derek is smoking a joint while his girlfriend's corpse lies on the ground, foaming at the mouth. RICK (looking at the body) Jesus. (looks over at Derek) What the hell? we see derek's naked butt on the right of the screen, and on the other, farther away, we see rick standing there. DEREK What? RICK Why are you naked? DEREK It got hot in here from all the candles, so I turned down the A.C. and accidentally broke it, so the summer heat took effect. And, since my girlfriend's dead, I can walk around the house naked, and it doesn't even matter. RICK Can you put some fucking clothes on? You're starting to get an erection, dude, and the only erect penis I want to see is mine! DEREK
Fine! I guess. Derek walks towards the stairs and walks up them. RICK Shit! DEREK (O.C.) I'll grab the dufflebag! RICK Why? DEREK (O.C.) How the fuck else are we gonna carry her body around? RICK Will she fit? DEREK (O.C.) Dude, you could fit Gabriel Iglesias in this thing! RICK Okay, then. All of a sudden, Linda's hand twitches. RICK The...fuck...? Linda starts to gain consciousness, and stands up, zombie-like with no life in her eyes. RICK Holy... shit... (to Derek) DUDE!!! DUUUDEE!! DEREK (O.C.) What? What is it? RICK Your girlfriend's a fuckin' zombie, dude! DEREK (O.C.) Very funny, man! RICK I'm not fucking kidding, you thundercunt! GET THE FUCK DOWN HERE! DEREK FINE! Just lemme get this dufflebag down! Linda starts to walk towards Rick.
RICK Shit! Rick runs into the kitchen and grabs a large butcher knife from the knife holder on the counter. DEREK Coming! (Slow motion) Rick throws the knife at Linda. The split second it hits her in between the eyes, the police kick in the door. POLICEMAN FREEZE! POLICE! The policeman runs into the kitchen, and sees Rick. POLICEMAN PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR, NOW! Derek falls down the stairs with his dufflebag, still butt-ass naked. He lands at the bottom of the stairs, still alive. AMBIGUOUSLY GAY POLICEMAN Ooh! Now what do we have here? POLICEMAN (to Rick) You're under arrest for murdering that woman! RICK No, no, man! She was a zombie, I swear! POLICEMAN BULLSHIT!! The policeman suddenly turns into a giant sasquatch. RICK JESUS TITTY-FUCKING CHRIST! The sasquatch-cop bends down and swipes Rick's head off, only the second before he does, Rick wakes up. INT. RICK'S CAR, DAY (this entire scene is done in one take) RICK HOLY FUCK BALLS!! DEREK WHAT??? RICK Oh... (pants) I had the most fucked
up dream! DEREK Was I in it? RICK Yeah! DEREK Was I naked? RICK Yeah, how'd you know? DEREK I don't know, every person that has a dream about me has me naked in it. RICK That's... strange... DEREK Very. RICK Where are we? DEREK Somewhere between your house and the In-and-Out in Nevada your Dad told us to meet him at. RICK Que? DEREK You don't remember calling him and him telling us to meet him at the In-and-Out in Nevada? RICK ...No... DEREK Seriously? RICK Seriously, I don't remember that. DEREK Strange. RICK What day is it? DEREK Sunday. RICK
AH SHIT!! DEREK What? RICK Today was the Cheers marathon! DEREK Dude, you need to get out of the house more. RICK Opinions. DEREK Seriously, man. So where you been, man? RICK My house. DEREK No, I mean, since college, where have you been? I haven't seen you around, man! RICK We've hung out! DEREK Not for the past 6 months we haven't! RICK Well, do you wanna know the whole story? DEREK Sure, we got another hour and a half. RICK Well, after college, I got hooked up with a production company, and we developed a pilot for a sketch comedy show. DEREK Oh, yeah, I remember something about that! Didn't it get canceled? RICK I'm getting to that. We wrote and shot the pilot, and it got picked up by (semi-popular TV network at the time) DEREK I haven't heard of that.
RICK Anyways, we got picked up, and this is 4 months after college, keep in mind. DEREK Ok, then what happened? RICK Well, you see, the producer thought it would be a good idea to do a live episode. DEREK Oh, no. RICK Oh, yes. Anyways, in one of the sketches, the characters are supposed to say 'friggin' over and over again. Welp, one of the actors accidentally said 'fuckin', and we knew we were in deep shit. DEREK At least he didn't pull out a picture of the pope and tear it up. RICK So, the producer is pissed, so he comes out onto the set and cusses the dude out, just every imaginable excuse he had to be mad at him. He was all 'fuck' this and 'fuck' that, but we cut to commercial before he said it more than 36 times. Well, the network canceled us for saying 'fuck' on TV 37 times in a row uncensored. Which I think is bullshit. DEREK Well, the FCC does have certain regulations that they have to follow, including bad language, am I right? RICK Yeah, but the reason I think it's bullshit is because there's no point in censorship. DEREK Yeah there is! To protect the children from using those words, right? RICK Well, yeah.
DEREK So, what's the matter? RICK Kids are gonna hear that shit anyways! What would be the point of censoring it? DEREK You got a point. RICK I have lots of 'em. But I'll spare you the bitching. DEREK Thanks. So what happened after it got canceled? RICK Well, I lost my job, and so I couldn't pay for the house I lived in, so I moved back in to my dad's house. DEREK Why the fuck wouldn't you wanna live at your dad's house? It's HUGE! RICK Well, I guess I just wanted a normal life, and I didn't wanna be a gambler/gangster, mainly because I don't wanna get shot. DEREK So you moved back in, and what, you sat around the house for 18 months, except for the few times we'd hang out and go to parties? RICK Well, no, I got a job at the Waterboard Video, and I got some money, but not enough to live on my own. DEREK So... RICK So, long story short, the one time I tried weed, I showed up to work high as fuck, and I apparently ran around the store naked yelling 'I LOVE PUSSY!!' the entire time. DEREK
You can not handle weed, dude. RICK Anyways, that was 6 months ago, so I worked there for about a year. But, I've been too lazy to get a job, so I've just been living on my dad's wealth for the past half year. But for the past 2 month's I've been as sick as a whore who can't get dick. DEREK Well, that sucks man. RICK Actually, I love it! I discovered the one thing I love doing is sitting at home and watching movies and TV. DEREK Well, then I'm glad things worked out for you. RICK So what's your story, man? DEREK Me? Well, I've been, you know, working at Trinity Industries ever since I graduated college. RICK What do you do there? DEREK I design train cars. RICK Really? DEREK Yeah, and I've worked my way up in the past 2 years, and I'm now the assistant manager. RICK Awesome, man! Didn't you get a house, or something like that? DEREK Yeah, I moved in with Linda 6 months after college. RICK Well, I'm glad you're happy man. DEREK Yeap, I've been thinking about
proposing to her, but I just never could find the right time. RICK You need to propose, dude, you've been with the chick for 3 years, she's waiting. Shit, if you don't do it soon, she might up and leave you. DEREK You think she will? RICK Dude, unless she has the patience of an elephant, she's hoping everyday that you're going to propose. DEREK How do you know? RICK Because that's what women want to do, they want to get married and have kids. DEREK I'm 24, I don't wanna start my family now! RICK Fine, wait till you've lived a quarter of your life and then propose. What more could you want? You have a job, and a house in the suburbs. You're in the perfect situation to have kids. DEREK But I hate kids. RICK Well, so does my dad, but he still had me! DEREK I just don't want kids. RICK Well, at least have just one. Unless you're Mormen and shit, and then you have to have like 5 or some shit. DEREK Ha, yeah. There is an awkward silence for about 30 seconds. Then, suddenly, Derek passes out on the wheel.
RICK Funny, man. (15 seconds pass) Dude. DUDE!! The car swerves, and almost hits a car in the other lane, but Rick steers the wheel to avoid getting in a crash. The jerk wakes up Derek. DEREK WHAT THE FUCK?? RICK Dude, you passed out! DEREK Oh, my bad. RICK Pull the car over, I'm driving now. DEREK FINE! Derek pulls over to the side of the road. They get out and switch seats. (still part of the same take.) Rick starts the car. RICK If you wanted to switch, you should have said something! DEREK I thought I could pull through, man! RICK Shit... The camera pans out and cranes up from the car. after the long continuous take, we cut to a driving montage with the song 'party and bullshit' by Biggie Smalls.
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