INT. KITCHEN NIGHT A trash bin is absolutely OVERFLOWING with tissues. It's a MOUNTAIN of tissues, if you will.

Staring into the mountain is RICK NEWMAN, a 16 year old with an EXTREMELY runny nose. You could say he has the worst cold in human history. RICK (V.O.) You could say I have the worst cold in human history. I have had it for two months, five days, and... He glances at the clock above the oven RICK (V.O.) (CONTD) Thirteen hours. I have no idea how I got it, but I will do just about anything to get rid of it. Rick sniffles. RICK (V.O.) I haven't always been a stay at home guy. At one point after high school I moved out and got my own place. But then I fell behind and got lazy and long story short; I got evicted and moved back in with my mom. The phone RINGS and RICK runs over to pick it up. RICK Hello? Derek! Thank god you called, I'm going crazy man. I feel so left out, what's been going on? DEREK (O.C.) Nothing. RICK Nothing?! SOMETHING must have happened! I haven't hung out with anyone in two months, and everyone always makes those super-vague facebook statuses that mean practically nothing at all! Come on, give me even the saddest story you've got. DEREK (O.C.) Well, there is one thing. RICK Tell me, tell me, tell me! DEREK (O.C.) I need you to come outside.

RICK glances out his window, the sun has set and his suburban neighborhood is TRANQUIL. RICK I can't. I've got like a mutant cold. It'll latch onto anyone and spread. I'm like a sublime zombie. DEREK (O.C.) Doesn't matter. Rick, I need you out here. RICK makes his way to the front door, phone in hand, when he STOPS just before opening the door. RICK Derek, what's going on? DEREK (O.C.) Is your mom home? RICK No, she's working. DEREK (O.C.) Good. Just come outside please. RICK hesitates, a beat of silence DEREK (O.C.) Please. RICK opens the door EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREET. NIGHT Below a yellow streetlight sits DEREK, hands tied, and next to him stand two scrawny teenagers. They speak in slight, botched ITALIAN accents. SCRAWNY TEENAGER #1 Well, if it isn't Howard Hughes himself! Your father owes us money, Mr. Hughes, and from what I heard, your father skipped town to Vegas a few weeks ago. That puts you, and your friend here in a bit of a bind. RICK So is this The Aviator or The Godfather, because either way, you're butchering it Tom. The Italian accent vanishes completely. TOM Goddamn it, Rick, you really are a buzz kill! Also, if I was you, I

wouldn't tempt me, because I have your friend all tied up. RICK If you were me, I would be you, so Derek would be fine. TOM That's not how that works! RICK waves at the second scrawny teenager. RICK Hey, Brian. BRIAN Hey, Rick. RICK Tom needed a ride? BRIAN Yup. TOM Shut. Up. Now, me and Brian came here for a specific purpose. Wanna guess why? RICK To kill us? TOM Correctomundo. Now, Brian and I each have a full clip in our guns. We are not afraid to empty these clips onto your bodies. Do I make myself clear? RICK ...Yes. TOM 'Course I do. Now, why, you might be asking yourself, am I trying to kill you? Because. My father put out a hit on your family. Since you move constantly, I had to ask Brian here where the hell you lived, so I could arrange this whole thing. RICK 'K.... TOM My father asked me to take you out so that your father knew he was serious. So, being the good son that I am, I obliged. And now, young Skywalker... you will die.

Derek, who is held by Brian's left arm, and Brian's right has a hand gun, headbutts Brian, knocking the gun out of his hand, and kicks it over to Rick. Rick picks it up and points it at Tom. RICK I don't know what the fuck I just did, but it was awesome... TOM If you even think about shooting that thing at me... RICK Why the hell would I wanna do something like that? You haven't hurt me yet! TOM Not yet, you say? Tom points his gun at Derek's head. RICK The FUCK are you doing, man? TOM Either point that gun away from me, or I will kill your best friend. RICK Don't fucking touch him. TOM I'm gonna count to 3. RICK I said don't FUCKING TOUCH HIM, TOM! TOM 1. RICK GODDAMMIT, I WILL BLAST YOUR ASS TO THE GRASS IF YOU DON'T POINT THAT GUN BACK AT ME! TOM 2. RICK Say 3 and see what happens, Tom. Don't FUCKING test me, you prick. TOM Thr-BRIAN

NO!! Brian jumps in front of Tom in a slow motion sequence, as the bullet exits the gun, and hits Brian in the head. His lifeless body falls to the ground. RICK AND DEREK Holy... shit... TOM (starts€ to slow clap) Bravo! Bravo, man! Excellent! Just brilliant! RICK I just fucking killed him! TOM Yes, sir you did. He's as dead as any animal that has ever died. And now you know what it's like. RICK What? TOM Contract killing, boys. It's my specialty. And Brian here, well, let's just say he's your first kill. RICK What? TOM Did I stutter? RICK No... TOM Then stop saying what! RICK OK... TOM You should look into contract killing, you'd be good at it. RICK Man, what the fuck are you talking about? TOM That gun belonged to me. Now, if the police find out that my property killed this man, my ass will be grass.

Tom points the gun at his head. RICK What the fuck? That doesn't explain anything! TOM I've had a good life, boys. Sure it's not what everyone did, but it was pretty great. See you all in the next world. Tom kills himself. Rick vomits. Derek vomits because of that vomit. DEREK Was he seriously that worried about getting in trouble, that he killed himself to cover up the evidence? RICK No, Derek, he was just fucking insane... DEREK Let's get the fuck outta here. Call your dad and see what in Thor's name is going on here! RICK That sounds like a good idea to me. OPENING CREDITS Credits fade out. Text: Part 1: Forced Roadtrip Fade in p.o.v. toilet looking up, rick is scrubbing it out. INT. BATHROOM, 9 A.M. Rick's phone, whatever the popular phone is at the time, rings with the Peanuts theme song as his ringtone. Derek is on the caller I.D. He answers. RICK Heeellloo? DEREK Rick! It's me! RICK Yeah, I know, they invented caller I.D. a while ago, what's up? DEREK I'm in trouble, man! I need you to

come over to my house! RICK I wish I could but I'm cleaning my bathroom. DEREK FUCK YOUR BATHROOM, MAN! I'm in deep shit, and I need your help! RICK What's wrong, man? DEREK I can't talk about it! They might be listening. RICK They who? DEREK The government! RICK I doubt it. DEREK Seriously, dude, I can't talk about it! RICK Tell me, or I won't help you! DEREK Fuck.... fine... So, you know how me and Linda have been pretty serious, right? RICK Sure. DEREK Well, I proposed to her like 2 weeks ago, but she said I needed her dad's blessing. RICK And? DEREK Well, he was a hard-ass about it, and said no. Well, you know me, and I don't normally take no for an answer. So I thought I would invite him over for dinner to change his mind, right? RICK (clueless) OK...?

DEREK Well, I thought of a way to "take care of him" if you know what I mean. RICK HOLY SHIT, YOU FUCKING KILLED HIM? DEREK No, let me explain. I was planning on putting a poison in his food that triggers an embolism 6 hours after ingesting it. RICK You planned on killing him? What went wrong? DEREK Well, while preparing the dinner, I remembered that their family liked pineapples, so I put 2 pineapple slices on his, and other than that, the dishes were identical. RICK OK... DEREK Well when he got there and was sitting down to eat I told him that I put pineapples in his food. He then informed me that he didn't like pineapples. So, absent-mindedly, I switched the dishes, forgetting that his plate had the poison in it. So, long story short, I killed my girlfriend. RICK WHAT?!?!? DEREK It took 6 hours for the thing to pop, and when it did, I started freaking out and hyperventilating, and I puked on my girlfriend. RICK So, right now, you not only killed your girlfriend, but you threw up on her dead body? DEREK Yeah... RICK When the fuck did this happen?

DEREK Last night. RICK WHAT? So you have her fucking body rotting in your house? DEREK I lit like 12 candles, I don't even smell it anymore. RICK That's fucked up, man! What the hell do you need me for? DEREK She's too heavy, and I can't lift her, and also, you have a pick-up truck. RICK You can't lift her? DEREK I can only bench like 80, now come on, man, hurry the fuck up! I need your help! RICK Sorry, man! I'm not being part of assisted murder! DEREK It's not assisted murder, I killed her, and I need your help to get rid of the body! RICK Also known as assisted murder! DEREK Do it! Or I swear I'll ruin you! RICK Did you just threaten to black mail me? DEREK Well... yeah... RICK I am the master of blackmail, dude! DEREK Bullshit! RICK Remember Horse Face in 8th grade? DEREK

Yeah, Horse Face No Tits! What about her? RICK Well, she was obsessed with me and asked me out numerous times, all of which I declined. DEREK OK?? RICK Well one day she hacked into my phone and found a naked picture of me and threatened to send it to everyone I knew if I didn't go on a date with her. DEREK So what'd you do? RICK ...I hacked into her phone and found a picture of her sticking a sharpie in her cornhole. DEREK Fuck! No shit? RICK No shit. So I blackmailed her with the pictures and told her that I would delete hers if she deleted mine. DEREK Damn, you're good. RICK So, in conclusion, blackmail doesn't work on me, my friend. DEREK Seriously, dude, you're being a shitty friend! RICK Hey Derek? DEREK Yeah? RICK I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK! Rick hangs up. After 20 seconds of him thinking about the situation, he throws down the toilet brush. RICK Goddammit!

He leaves the bathroom. EXT. RICK'S HOUSE, MID-DAY Rick gets in his truck, backs out of the driveway, and drives away. EXT. DEREK'S HOUSE, 20 MINUTES LATER Rick pulls up and gets out. He walks up to the house and rings the doorbell. RICK (to himself) Goddammit. DEREK (O.C.) Who is it? RICK Who the fuck do you think it is? DEREK ....It's open! Rick walks in. INT. DEREK'S HOUSE. Derek is smoking a joint while his girlfriend's corpse lies on the ground, foaming at the mouth. RICK (looking at the body) Jesus. (looks over at Derek) What the hell? we see Derek's naked butt on the right of the screen, and on the other, farther away, we see rick standing there. DEREK What? RICK Why are you naked? DEREK It got hot in here from all the candles, so I turned down the A.C. and accidentally broke it, so the summer heat took effect. And, since my girlfriend's dead, I can walk around the house naked, and it doesn't even matter. RICK Can you put some fucking clothes on? You're starting to get an erection, dude, and the only erect penis I want to see is mine!

DEREK Fine! I guess. Derek walks towards the stairs and walks up them. RICK Shit! DEREK (O.C.) I'll grab the dufflebag! RICK Why? DEREK (O.C.) How the fuck else are we gonna carry her body around? RICK Will she fit? DEREK (O.C.) Dude, you could fit Gabriel Iglesias in this thing! RICK Okay, then. All of a sudden, Linda's hand twitches. RICK The...fuck...? Linda starts to gain consciousness, and stands up, zombie-like with no life in her eyes. RICK Holy... shit... (to Derek) DUDE!!! DUUUDEE!! DEREK (O.C.) What? What is it? RICK Your girlfriend's a fuckin' zombie, dude! DEREK (O.C.) Very funny, man! RICK I'm not fucking kidding, you thundercunt! GET THE FUCK DOWN HERE! DEREK FINE! Just lemme get this dufflebag down! Linda starts to walk towards Rick.

RICK Shit! Rick runs into the kitchen and grabs a large butcher knife from the knife holder on the counter. DEREK Coming! (Slow motion) Rick throws the knife at Linda. The split second it hits her in between the eyes, the police kick in the door. POLICEMAN FREEZE! POLICE! The policeman runs into the kitchen, and sees Rick. POLICEMAN PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR, NOW! Derek falls down the stairs with his dufflebag, still butt-ass naked. He lands at the bottom of the stairs, still alive. AMBIGUOUSLY GAY POLICEMAN Ooh! Now what do we have here? POLICEMAN (to Rick) You're under arrest for murdering that woman! RICK No, no, man! She was a zombie, I swear! POLICEMAN BULLSHIT!! The policeman suddenly turns into a giant sasquatch. RICK JESUS TITTY-FUCKING CHRIST! The sasquatch-cop bends down and swipes Rick's head off, only the second before he does, Rick wakes up. INT. RICK'S CAR, DAY (this entire scene is done in one take) RICK HOLY FUCK BALLS!! DEREK WHAT??? RICK

Oh... (pants) I had the most fucked up dream! DEREK Was I in it? RICK Yeah! DEREK Was I naked? RICK Yeah, how'd you know? DEREK I don't know, every person that has a dream about me has me naked in it. RICK That's... strange... DEREK Very. RICK Where are we? DEREK Somewhere between your house and the In-and-Out in Nevada your Dad told us to meet him at. RICK Que? DEREK You don't remember calling him and him telling us to meet him at the In-and-Out in Nevada? RICK ...No... DEREK Seriously? RICK Seriously, I don't remember that. DEREK Strange. RICK What day is it? DEREK Sunday.

RICK AH SHIT!! DEREK What? RICK Today was the Cheers marathon! DEREK Dude, you need to get out of the house more. RICK Opinions. DEREK Seriously, man. So where you been, man? RICK My house. DEREK No, I mean, since college, where have you been? I haven't seen you around, man! RICK We've hung out! DEREK Not for the past 6 months we haven't! RICK Well, do you wanna know the whole story? DEREK Sure, we got another hour and a half. RICK Well, after college, I got hooked up with a production company, and we developed a pilot for a sketch comedy show. DEREK Oh, yeah, I remember something about that! Didn't it get canceled? RICK I'm getting to that. We wrote and shot the pilot, and it got picked up by (semi-popular TV network at the time) DEREK

I haven't heard of that. RICK Anyways, we got picked up, and this is 4 months after college, keep in mind. DEREK Ok, then what happened? RICK Well, you see, the producer thought it would be a good idea to do a live episode. DEREK Oh, no. RICK Oh, yes. Anyways, in one of the sketches, the characters are supposed to say 'friggin' over and over again. Welp, one of the actors accidentally said 'fuckin', and we knew we were in deep shit. DEREK At least he didn't pull out a picture of the pope and tear it up. RICK So, the producer is pissed, so he comes out onto the set and cusses the dude out, just every imaginable excuse he had to be mad at him. He was all 'fuck' this and 'fuck' that, but we cut to commercial before he said it more than 36 times. Well, the network canceled us for saying 'fuck' on TV 37 times in a row uncensored. Which I think is bullshit. DEREK Well, the FCC does have certain regulations that they have to follow, including bad language, am I right? RICK Yeah, but the reason I think it's bullshit is because there's no point in censorship. DEREK Yeah there is! To protect the children from using those words, right? RICK

Well, yeah. DEREK So, what's the matter? RICK Kids are gonna hear that shit anyways! What would be the point of censoring it? DEREK You got a point. RICK I have lots of 'em. But I'll spare you the bitching. DEREK Thanks. So what happened after it got canceled? RICK Well, I lost my job, and so I couldn't pay for the house I lived in, so I moved back in to my dad's house. DEREK Why the fuck wouldn't you wanna live at your dad's house? It's HUGE! RICK Well, I guess I just wanted a normal life, and I didn't wanna be a gambler/gangster, mainly because I don't wanna get shot. DEREK So you moved back in, and what, you sat around the house for 18 months, except for the few times we'd hang out and go to parties? RICK Well, no, I got a job at the Waterboard Video, and I got some money, but not enough to live on my own. DEREK So... RICK So, long story short, the one time I tried weed, I showed up to work high as fuck, and I apparently ran around the store naked yelling 'I LOVE PUSSY!!' the entire time.

DEREK You can not handle weed, dude. RICK Anyways, that was 6 months ago, so I worked there for about a year. But, I've been too lazy to get a job, so I've just been living on my dad's wealth for the past half year. But for the past 2 month's I've been as sick as a whore who can't get dick. DEREK Well, that sucks man. RICK Actually, I love it! I discovered the one thing I love doing is sitting at home and watching movies and TV. DEREK Well, then I'm glad things worked out for you. RICK So what's your story, man? DEREK Me? Well, I've been, you know, working at Trinity Industries ever since I graduated college. RICK What do you do there? DEREK I design train cars. RICK Really? DEREK Yeah, and I've worked my way up in the past 2 years, and I'm now the assistant manager. RICK Awesome, man! Didn't you get a house, or something like that? DEREK Yeah, I moved in with Linda 6 months after college. RICK Well, I'm glad you're happy man. DEREK

Yeap, I've been thinking about proposing to her, but I just never could find the right time. RICK You need to propose, dude, you've been with the chick for 3 years, she's waiting. Shit, if you don't do it soon, she might up and leave you. DEREK You think she will? RICK Dude, unless she has the patience of an elephant, she's hoping everyday that you're going to propose. DEREK How do you know? RICK Because that's what women want to do, they want to get married and have kids. DEREK I'm 24, I don't wanna start my family now! RICK Fine, wait till you've lived a quarter of your life and then propose. What more could you want? You have a job, and a house in the suburbs. You're in the perfect situation to have kids. DEREK But I hate kids. RICK Well, so does my dad, but he still had me! DEREK I just don't want kids. RICK Well, at least have just one. Unless you're Mormen and shit, and then you have to have like 5 or some shit. DEREK Ha, yeah. There is an awkward silence for about 30 seconds. Then,

suddenly, Derek passes out on the wheel. RICK Funny, man. (15 seconds pass) Dude. DUDE!! The car swerves, and almost hits a car in the other lane, but Rick steers the wheel to avoid getting in a crash. The jerk wakes up Derek. DEREK WHAT THE FUCK?? RICK Dude, you passed out! DEREK Oh, my bad. RICK Pull the car over, I'm driving now. DEREK FINE! Derek pulls over to the side of the road. They get out and switch seats. (still part of the same take.) Rick starts the car. RICK If you wanted to switch, you should have said something! DEREK I thought I could pull through, man! RICK Shit... The camera pans out and cranes up from the car. after the long continuous take, we cut to a driving montage with the song 'party and bullshit' by Biggie Smalls. INT. RICK'S CAR, 20 MINUTES LATER... Rick pulls the car over. Derek wakes up. RICK I gotta piss. DEREK (snorts) I gotta stretch. They get out of the car. Rick walks over to the other side of the road, and does his thing, and Derek walks away from the car, and stretches. All of a sudden, the car explodes, blowing Derek over. Rick turns around, and is still peeing.

RICK The fuck? The explosion creates somewhat of a mushroom cloud. The car is left in smoke and fiery debris. Rick pulls up his pants. Derek walks over towards him, having the wind knocked out of him. DEREK Well......shit... They look at each other, shrug, and start walking. Scene fades out. Text: Part 2: Murphy's Law ENTER: PARK, DAY Scene fades in, [continuous shot starts here] bird is seen on the ground, walking towards a perfectly fat field of dirt. the bird pecks his beak down into the dirt, and pulls out a worm. the bird flies away with the worm. It makes it to a nest. It feeds its children and flies away. As it flies, it shits on a nearby car. Phil gets out of the car and inspects it. PHIL HEY! You fuckin' bird! [throws a nearby rock at it.] Don't shit on my car!! Jesus... Phil walks into the house that he parked in front of. Kyle is on the couch. PHIL Come on, man, let's go! We're gonna be late! KYLE Late for what... oh shit! Kyle grabs his keys from the coffee table, and runs out the front door. He gets in the car with Phil, and they back out of the driveway. INT. PHIL'S CAR PHIL That asshole. KYLE Who? PHIL Mark. KYLE Mark... Stone?

PHIL Yeah. KYLE Why'd you call him an asshole? PHIL He fucked Jordan, man. KYLE Yeah, 2 years ago. PHIL That fucking prick. KYLE Why are you so pissed about this? PHIL Nobody fucks my best friend's girlfriend and gets away with it! KYLE It hardly concerns me. PHIL Bullshit, it doesn't! Look, that guy fucked Jordan, and you don't even care. KYLE It was a one-night stand at a party 2 years ago. They were drunk out of their minds, and he never called her back. End of story. Plus, it's before I even knew her. PHIL And as I recall, you met her, what, 2 weeks later? KYLE Yeah, and? It didn't even involve me. The only reason I knew it happened, is because you did a background check on her and found out. PHIL Yeah, and now every time you make out with her, you're gonna taste that guy's dick. KYLE That's assuming that she sucked his dick. She didn't. They only fucked. PHIL And Jordan told you this?

KYLE Yes, she went into full detail about it, and explained it to me. He wore protection, and she took a pregnancy test afterwards that came back negative. PHIL Why the pregnancy test? KYLE She was scared that she might be pregnant, I guess, I dunno. But that's all that happened. End of story. Got it? PHIL No, I do not 'got it!' They fucked, and she's not even ashamed! KYLE Why would she be ashamed? It's not like she fucked him for drug money, it was out of drunken horniness! PHIL Whatever, just don't flip out whenever I'm right, and you notice the next time you kiss her, it tastes like Mark's dick. KYLE That's assuming that I know what dick tastes like. PHIL Well, you never know. Plus, man, I can tell you're hurting. On the inside, it kills you everytime you think about it. They pull up to a Bob's Burgers, get out and walk in. INT. BOB'S BURGERS, 5 MINUTES LATER. KYLE I assume, of course that you're making all that up? PHIL Not at all, I have an acute ability to read people. For example, you see that guy over there? (camera sees old guy looking at sandwich until Phil is done talking) 40ish, balding, has an over-controlling wife who is extremely Mormen, hates his life, and is eyeing his sandwich wondering if it's even worth it to eat this, which is bad

for his cholesterol. When his wife finds out his cholesterol is up, she'll kill him. Or just divorce him. So, he's wondering, "should I keep living this secret life, or go back to the one I hate?" Shit, maybe he'll kill himself when he gets home. KYLE Or he could just be looking for a hair in his food... PHIL Anyways, dude, I can tell you're hurting. KYLE Great, well, I'm not, okay? PHIL Fine, but like I said, don't be surprised when I'm right and you're not. KYLE Whatever. (continues to eat food.) EXT. KYLE'S HOUSE, 1 HOUR LATER Shot: The car door handle opens, and the door closes. Cut to another shot where the same thing happens on the other side. this all happens in about 3 seconds. They walk into Kyle's house and Phil closes the door behind him. KYLE While you're here, lemme show you my alarm clock, it makes the most fucking hilarious noise. They run up the stairs. Kyle opens the door to the master bedroom and sees Jordan (his girlfriend) and Mark having sex. KYLE What the FUCK?!?!? PHIL (quietly) I hate being right... Kyle runs out the door. PHIL (looks after him) Hey! Wait up! Kyle runs out of his house, Phil 10 feet behind him. They both get into Kyle's car, and drive away fast. INT. KYLE'S CAR.

Kyle drives recklessly through the neighborhood. PHIL Dude, slow the fuck down! Kyle floors it, literally. After 30 seconds of avoiding civilians and signs and fire hydrants, they crash into a electronics retail store, where the front is made out of glass. PHIL What the fuck, man? KYLE Goddammit, Jordan! Why are you fucking Mark? Again?? PHIL Was... that supposed to happen in your head, Kyle? KYLE What? (snaps into it) Oh, shit. Text: One giant-ass ticket later... INT. KYLE'S HOUSE, 2 HOURS LATER... KYLE I'm so fucked... PHIL No, you're not Jordan is. KYLE Fuck you. But since she moved out while we were gone, I have no one to help me pay the rent. PHIL We were gone for 2 hours, how the fuck did she move out so fast? KYLE Beats me. PHIL Well, if you're looking for a house-mate, why not just put an ad in the classifieds in the newspaper? There are tons of people in this town who need a place to live. KYLE Yeah, they're called 'homeless people' and they're fucking disgusting.

PHIL No, I mean, there's people fresh out of college who need a place to live. Why not just advertise your house? KYLE Do you know how long that could take? PHIL Why don't I move in? KYLE The last time we live together, I woke up to see you masturbating naked over me. PHIL I'm telling you, for the 37th time, the ecstasy hadn't worn off yet! KYLE Whatever. PHIL Come on, dude, you know rent isn't an issue for me, ever since I won that $25 million lottery 2 years back! KYLE If you're a millionaire, why would you want to live in this shithole? PHIL The same reason I don't live in a mansion, 'cause it's simple. KYLE Fine. You can move in. PHIL Yes! KYLE But what about the 100 grand fine we have to pay? PHIL It came out to 100 grand? For crashing into a store? KYLE It's ridiculous, I know. But we gotta get the money in 2 months! And I'm gonna have to spend 5 years in prison if I don't. PHIL

I've heard some bad things about the showers at the state prison. KYLE Dude, I gotta be at work in like 20 minutes, so don't drink my last beer. PHIL I wouldn't plan on it. KYLE Phil, seriously. I need at least one for tonight. PHIL Why are you just going to work at noon? KYLE Beats the shit out of me, man. I'm gonna go. (walks to the door) And don't look at pay-per-view porn while I'm gone, either! Bring your own shit if you're going to! PHIL Dammit! INT. KYLE'S WORK, 10 MINUTES LATER... As Kyle is walking into the office, he sees his boss, Mr. Harrington. KYLE Hey, Mr. Harrington, did you want those scripts? I know legal hasn't reviewed them yet, so I-MR. HARRINGTON Kyle, please, could we step inside my office for a sec? We need to talk. KYLE Uh... sure... They go into Mr. Harrington's office. They sit down on opposite edges of the desk. MR. HARRINGTON Mr. Rostami, as you know, you've been the head writer at this show for over 2 years. You're the youngest writer the newspaper has ever seen. Unfortunately, I'm afraid we have to terminate your employment. KYLE

Why? MR. HARRINGTON I think this (pushes play on remote) explains it. NEWS REPORTER The local (static) store was demolished yesterday by an askew driver on the highway. The man crashed into the glass store, going at least 80 miles an hour. (meanwhile it cuts to clips of the destruction) The man and his passenger were fine, and have been issued a legal fee for the property damage. We'll have more on the story at 10. The clip stops. MR. HARRINGTON You're fired. KYLE Aww, for how long? INT. KYLE'S HOUSE. Phil is lounging on the couch. Kyle slams the front door, and runs upstairs. PHIL Hey, early lunch? (pause) Kyle? We hear Kyle's door slam. INT. KYLE'S ROOM Kyle goes over to the drawer, pulls out a revolver, puts a bullet in, cocks it, and stares at it. Phil bursts in. He sees the gun. PHIL (worried) Dude, are you okay? KYLE No, I'm not fucking okay. My life fucking sucks right now. My girlfriend-- or rather, my ex-girlfriend's a lying cheating whore, and I just got fired from my fucking job because I crashed into-- (sneezes) (pause) an electronic store made of glass, and because of that, not only do I have to pay them back for the damage to the store, I also have to pay for the electronics I destroyed in the

process, and disturbing the peace. And if I don't pay back that money, which adds up to $100 grand, I'm gonna go to fucking jail for 5 fucking years. So, no, I'm not fucking okay. That's why I have this fucking gun in my hand. Because it seems like the world would be better off without me. PHIL Dude, don't think for a second that any of that shit about the world not needing you is true. Don't think that there'll be people who won't miss you. KYLE (pause) Fuck, my life sucks. PHIL We're gonna find a way to fix all of this, dude. KYLE What am I gonna do for a job? PHIL You could... I dunno, clean up shit at the zoo? KYLE That's automatically not an option. PHIL Why? KYLE Would you do it? PHIL No. I'd be sick if I had to be around shit all day. KYLE Then, you see my point? PHIL Sure. KYLE And what about the $100K fine? What about that? Where the fuck am I gonna get 100 grand? PHIL WOULD YOU STOP ASKING ME ALL THESE GODDAMN QUESTIONS? (pause) Jesus, man, you act like I'm Doctor

fucking Phil! KYLE Heh, Dr. Phil. PHIL What's so funny about-- oh, I get it. Funny. KYLE So, what do we do? PHIL I dunno, look on Craigslist for a job? KYLE That sounds good. PHIL I'll start looking. KYLE Try not to get another date rapist! PHIL Come on, dude, that chick was hot! KYLE Whatever. Scene fades out. Fades in on Phil on the living room couch watching TV. Text: 2 weeks later... PHIL She's guilty! Guilty! Come on, you dumb cunt! Kyle walks in. KYLE Hey, man. PHIL Hey, how goes the job search, man? KYLE Dude, you know I've been working at a middle school as a security guard for the past week, right? PHIL Oh, yeah you said something about that. Wait, don't they have police for that? KYLE Well the WBPD is busy trying to

catch some rapist-slash-muderer. They caught him, but he escaped. PHIL Can you believe the crime in this town? KYLE I know, it's insane. PHIL Unbelieveable. KYLE Well, I'm off to work. Keep living off your lottery money. (walks towards door) PHIL I will! Hey, how goes the pussy search? KYLE Well, a middle school isn't exactly the place to pick up chicks, believe it or not. PHIL MILFs. KYLE Uh, no. Plus, can you imagine the conversation with the kid if he walks in on us doing it? The whole situation would be just awkward. PHIL Well, I got one upstairs, she's been out all morning. KYLE It's 8 AM, what did you expect? PHIL I dunno. I guess I just thought she would be up once she realized I was gone. A naked girl appears at the front of the stairs. NAKED GIRL Phil? PHIL Yes, honey? NAKED GIRL Come back to bed, please? PHIL

In a minute! NAKED GIRL I'll be waiting. She walks away. KYLE (shocked) Nice, dude! PHIL Yeah, I guess. KYLE What's the matter? I've never seen anyone upset about not having sex before. PHIL This chick's into bondage. KYLE Is that why you're limping? PHIL Punching and kicking gets her off too. KYLE You are one desperate son of a bitch. PHIL Yeah. KYLE Well, meat'er and beat'er, my uncle used to say. PHIL The fuck's that mean? KYLE I dunno, we found out like 2 years ago he was a convicted child molester, so... PHIL .... KYLE Well, I gotta go, or I'm gonna be late, and that Wilkins kid is gonna bring his machete in again, I just know it. Have fun on the pussy search! PHIL Fuck you.

EXT. HUFFINGTON MIDDLE SCHOOL Kyle and Farley are standing out front. FARLEY ...And then Michael says (laughing) he says "Oh my God, Mitch, could you be any gayer?" (laughs hysterically) (sniffs) and then... and then.. Mitch says (gay voice) "I don't knooow!" (laughs like a hyena) (Kyle is not laughing) Oh, man I love that show. It's too bad they don't make it anymore. KYLE (looking straight ahead) Sure is, Farley. FARLEY Man, I sure could go for a smoke right now. KYLE I didn't know you smoked, Farley! FARLEY Yep, a pack a day. Which is an improvement, it used to be 2. KYLE Trying to cut down? FARLEY Yeap. KYLE For how long? FARLEY ...About... I dunno, maybe since I was.... Fuck man, I dunno. KYLE Do you like the lifestyle? FARLEY No, man I hate it. KYLE If you could tell yourself in the past not to smoke that first cigarette, would you? FARLEY You bet your fuckin' ass I would. KYLE My grandpa smoked until the day he

died. FARLEY Yeah, I don't give a shit, man. Fuckin' cigs, ruined my goddamn life. KYLE That first cigarette sounds like a bad idea, huh? FARLEY Hey, fuck you, man. (as he says this, a mother and her child, age 9 walk by) Oh, sorry, ma'am. That's a pretty little girl you got there. KID I'm a boy, asshole! FARLEY Whatever. KYLE Go ahead ma'am. The boy and mother walk away. KYLE What the hell, man? Watch your language, we work at a middle school for Pete's sake! FARLEY Sorry, damn cigs got me ramblin' again. KYLE I'll say. FARLEY Wanna hear something sad? KYLE Not really. The metal detectors go haywire. A teenager runs out of the school, carrying a handgun. FARLEY STOP! The kid shoots at Farley, and keeps running. Kyle shoots him with a tazer. He runs over to where the kid dropped the gun, disarms it, and tazes him with a stun gun. He goes back over to Farley. FARLEY These are some bad fuckin' holes. I dunno if I'm gonna make it.

KYLE Yeah... probably not... FARLEY Damn, I wanted to see how Lost ended. KYLE Lost ended back in 2010. FARLEY Really? KYLE Yeah. FARLEY Shit... His eyes close, he dies. KYLE (looks confused.) INT. KYLE'S HOUSE, 4 HOURS LATER... Text: 4 hours later Phil is in the kitchen. Kyle walks in and collapses on the couch. KYLE [groans] My life sucks. PHIL (walking in) You might not wanna put your head there. KYLE Why not? PHIL I jerked off while you were gone. KYLE And? PHIL I was naked. KYLE (stands up abruptly) Gross, man, what the fuck? PHIL Hey, I was horny, and I kicked that freaky bitch out.

KYLE Smart move. PHIL Hey, I heard about your job, dude, I heard you shot another security guard after he tazed a kid. KYLE What? No, I tazed the kid after he killed the other security guard. PHIL Oh, well my bad. So, you still have a job, then? KYLE Yeah, but I dunno if the school's gonna be open for much longer, cause of the shooting and all. PHIL Well, (pulls two beers out of the fridge) you could always-KYLE For the last time, I'm not picking up shit at the zoo. PHIL Fine. KYLE Besides, what's it going to matter? I'm going to jail anyways. PHIL Not necessarily. KYLE What do ya mean? I have no means of paying off that fine, so I might as well go to jail. PHIL And spend half a decade getting butt-raped? That doesn't sound good. KYLE Shut up, you didn't even get fined. PHIL Cause it was your car, and you were driving. KYLE Whatever. Let's watch a long movie. PHIL

The Godfather? KYLE Sounds good, pop it in. PHIL Ok. Text: 2 minutes later. DON CORELONE (ON TV) You come to me on the day of my daughter's wedding and ask me for a favor? Kyle and Phil look at each other. KYLE Of course... BOTH THE MAFIA!! INT. DARK ROOM A table is lit by a single lamp, that hangs above it. Mr. Rittard is sitting there, staring at Kyle and Phil who are opposite him. KYLE Um... can we-MR. RITTARD Shut up. I'm thinking. KYLE ...Okay. (long pause) MR. RITTARD You want 100K? KYLE Yeah. MR. RITTARD What for? KYLE To pay off a legal fee. MR. RITTARD (pause) Fine. I need it by April 9th. KYLE That's great. That sounds good. MR. RITTARD Alright, nice doing business with you. (shakes both of their hands)

Please see your way out. Kyle and Phil walk out. EXT. MAFIA BUILDING Kyle and Phil are walking. KYLE That was nice and simple. PHIL Yeah. It was. A loud gunshot is heard from a distance. Phil and Kyle look back at the building, then at each other. KYLE Probably just torturing someone. PHIL Yeah. A masked man runs out of the building, gets into his car and drives away speedily, and Kyle and Phil watch as 10 mafia men follow him in 4 cars. KYLE That doesn't look good. PHIL They'll get him. CUT TO: RICK AND DEREK WALKING ALONG A ROAD Rick is on his cellphone. RICK I dunno, he's not picking up. DEREK Weird, try his office number. Rick dials the number. PERSON ON PHONE Mr. Rittard's Lumber, how may I help you? RICK Hi, I'm Rick Rittard, I'd like to speak with my dad. PERSON ON PHONE What's the code? RICK Octopussy. PERSON ON PHONE

One second. (loud gunshot) What the? VOICE SIC SEMPER TYRANNUS, MOTHERFUCKERS!! MAN GET THAT MOTHERFUCKER!! HE SHOT MR. RITTARD! MAN #2 Oh, shit, he got him in the fucking head!! MAN #3 Oh, God, he's fucking dead!! Rick hangs up. DEREK What? RICK My dad's dead. Scene fades out.

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