FUTURAMA “Two Live Crews”

by Ben Joseph

Dan Bodansky Dixon Talent Dbodansky@dixontalent.com 212-965-4666

FUTURAMA "TWO LIVE CREWS" Written by Ben Joseph ACT 1 FADE IN: A TELEVISION SCREEN. A commercial plays: EXT. SPACE The PLANET EXPRESS SHIP flies through the cosmos. NARRATOR (V.O.) Intergalactic delivery raises a lot of questions. INT. OFFICE - VARIOUS Quick shots of three white-collar CONCERNED CUSTOMERS. CONCERNED CUSTOMER 1 When will my package get there? CONCERNED CUSTOMER 2 Will it be in one piece? Holding a FLAMING PACKAGE: CONCERNED CUSTOMER 3 Was this always on fire? NARRATOR (V.O.) Unlike some delivery companies, Planet Express doesn’t pretend to know the answer to these questions. A MAP of the universe’s nasty, uncharted parts. One system is labeled “HERE THAR BE WURMHOLES”. NARRATOR (CONT'D) There’s one question, though, we always know the answer to: “Will you go there?” A big “YES” graphic stamps the screen. (CONTINUED)

2. CONTINUED: NARRATOR (CONT'D) We don’t know why your package needs to get through the Venusian phantom zoneEXT. VENUSIAN PHANTOM ZONE The Planet Express Ship flies in a horrible void. GHOSTLY SPECTRES fly around it, moaning. NARRATOR (V.O.) -or past the Cerebrus of Alpha Centauri. EXT. SPACE - ASTEROID FIELD A giant sleeping THREE-HEADED DOG sleeps on an asteroid. The ship slowly creeps past it. NARRATOR (V.O.) But Planet Express is on the job. The dog suddenly WAKES UP, grabbing the ship with one of its mouths and shaking it. EXT. JUNGLE PLANET A courageous DELIVERY BOY runs through a dense, alien jungle, package in hand. He disappears into the distance. NARRATOR (V.O.) Planet Express. We go there, even if it’s not a good idea. The PLANET EXPRESS LOGO appears then fades out, ending the commercial and leaving us in the REAL JUNGLE. The delivery boy returns toward us, now not an anonymous actor, but FRY, package in hand, running for his life. FRY AHHHHH!! SOMETHING following him, Fry arrives at a clearing, where Bender and Leela wait outside the ship. FRY (CONT'D) Leela! Help! They’re going to kill me!


3. CONTINUED: BENDER Hey, the chump’s alive. Looks like you owe me five bucks. LEELA I said he’d be fine! Fry, why didn’t you deliver the package? FRY I tried, but- look! Fry points. A tribe of NASTY, FURRY ALIEN NATIVES emerge from the brush, filling the screen. A quick re-frame reveals they’re only inches high. One of them runs over and harmlessly pokes Fry in the ankle. LEELA Aw, did the harmless little furry men scare you? Fry nods. LEELA (CONT'D) Would you like me to come with you? Fry nods faster. Leela sighs. EXT. STEP PYRAMID - LATER A SMALL BOG separates the crew and their destination. LEELA See? Here already. Fry, you can’t be scared by every little obstacle weA few of the tiny natives venture onto the bog, which turns into a GIANT PIT MONSTER. It devours them with a SNAP. LEELA (CONT'D) Uh, we’ll just drop it off. INT. PLANET EXPRESS SHIP - LOW ORBIT The cargo doors open, Bender and Fry survey the jungle planet’s surface far below while Leela pilots.


4. CONTINUED: LEELA Almost there... Drop! Fry drops the package (labeled “FRAGILE”) over the edge. Eventually, there’s an expensive “CRUNCH”. BENDER Another satisfied customer. EXT. PLANET EXPRESS - THE NEXT DAY INT. PLANET EXPRESS - CONFERENCE ROOM PROF. FARNSWORTH addresses Fry, Bender, Leela, ZOIDBERG and AMY, all seated around the table. PROF. FARNSWORTH Good news, everyone! Today marks the longest we’ve ever gone without a crew fatality. OMNI Hurray! HERMES enters and slams down a folder labeled “COMPLAINTS”. HERMES It also marks the longest we’ve gone without successfully delivering a package. OMNI (AMBIVALENT NOISES, SHRUGS) HERMES At the rate we’re losing customers, we’d have to kill one of you just to make ends meet! BENDER Are we voting? If we’re voting, I vote Zoidberg. ZOIDBERG Fine, fine, I’ll do it already. (CONTINUED)

5. CONTINUED: Zoidberg leaves the table. LEELA Nobody’s killing anybody today! (TO O.S.) Including themselves! Zoidberg, almost out the window, shrugs and returns to his seat. LEELA (CONT'D) Professor, the problem isn’t that we’re lazyBENDER (INDIGNANT) Madame, you presume too much. LEELA -it’s that every shipping label these past few months has the words “horrible”, “man-eating” or “eternal doom” on it. PROF. FARNSWORTH Hogwash. What about the Nebula of Constant Torment? I don’t see that fitting into your little “pattern.” HERMES Delivery’s a dangerous business and you’re all paid within 20% of minimum wage. As they say in Kingston, “Nut up.” Fry stands up. FRY First, I demand a calculator and possibly a raise. Second, are you implying I’m some kind of coward? HERMES Pure Jamaican jerk chicken. AMY Scaredy-cat, even.


6. CONTINUED: LEELA You do still sleep with a night light. FRY You leave Glow-Bear out of this. Professor, give me your most dangerous delivery! The Professor opens up a RED FOLDER. PROF. FARNSWORTH There is this shipment of radon crystals heading for the Badlands of Freon 9. LEELA No! I’m tired of risking my life, all for a paycheck slightly larger than Fry’s. We’re taking the safest delivery available. A beat. The Professor slides the red folder to Leela. LEELA (CONT'D) Only delivery available? PROF. FARNSWORTH Bingo. EXT. SPACE - NEAR FREON 9 - LATER The ship flies toward an icy wasteland of a planet. EXT. FREON 9 - MT. MURDERKILL - CONTINUOUS The ship lands next to an imposing mountain. Bender, Fry and Leela exit in sub-zero gear. Fry pushes a hover flat. BENDER I’d hate to be warm-blooded right now. Or have any type of blood at all, really. FRY Does anybody else hear howling? I hear howling.


7. CONTINUED: LEELA Fry, we’re in the middle of a level seven windstorm. It’s all howling. Now focus, we need to findLeela checks the manifest. LEELA (CONT'D) -37 Horrible Cave Entrance, Mt. Murderkill, Freon 9. FRY Oo! I bet it’s that warm, inviting settlement. Fry points. A sleek looking dome base sits a mile away. LEELA (DEEP SIGH) No, it’s probably that horrible cave entrance in Mt. Murderkill. Leela points to a jagged hole in the base of the mountain. A small sign out front says “37”. INT. MURDERKILL CAVE - LATER The crew enters the cave. FRY Who needs a bunch of energy crystals in a cave, anyway? LEELA (READING) I.C. Weiner, apparently. FRY I. C.- Hey, wait a second. Fry grabs the paper. FRY (CONT'D) I’ve delivered to this guy before. He doesn’t live on Freon 9. He lives in abandoned buildings and empty high schools. And he rarely answers his door. (CONTINUED)

8. CONTINUED: BENDER We came all the way to this ice cube for a crank call? VOICE (O.S.) Not exactly. REVEAL: Three surprisingly eloquent YETI MONSTERS have surrounded the crew. LEELA This whole delivery was a trap! YETI 1 Oh no, we need the radon crystals. YETI 2 We just get a kick out of murdering and then eating delivery crews. YETI 3 Also, we don’t want to pay for the crystals. YETI 1 So it’s win-win-win, really. (REMEMBERS THE CREW) Oh, and lose. INT. YETI BASE - PRISON CELL - LATER The yetis throw the crew into a small holding cell, hewn into the ice. A steel door slams, locking them in. FRY I always knew it would end this way. LEELA You always knew you’d be eaten by abominable snow-monsters? FRY (DEFENSIVE) I had my suspicions. (TO BENDER) Why are you so calm? Bender sits on the prison toilet, feet up. (CONTINUED)

9. CONTINUED: BENDER Once they realize I don’t have any of those tasty internal organs you suckers haul around, I’ll be free to go. VOICE (O.S.) Actually, they’ll probably just use you for spare parts. BENDER Huh? Whazzat? VOICE (O.S.) Down here. Bender looks down to see a decapitated ROBOT HEAD. ROBOT HEAD (HANDY) Hey, I’m Handy. Nice to meet you! BENDER What happened to your body? HANDY You’re sitting on it. Bender looks at the toilet. It’s made of ROBOT PARTS. HANDY (CONT'D) It’s not such a bad life. You know, other than the constant stream of yeti feces. Bender throws up his arms in panic. BENDER We gotta get outta here! Fry, quick, have a heart attack. FRY Don’t you mean “fake” a heart attack? BENDER With your acting skills? Here, I’ll get you started. Bender PUNCHES FRY IN THE CHEST. Leela stops him. (CONTINUED)

10. CONTINUED: LEELA Even if they did open the door, we couldn’t fight our way past the guards. Fry and Bender sag. She’s right. HANDY You could get my crew to help. REVEAL: Frozen in the ice are two SOLDIERS: A grizzled MAN with red hair, and a WOMAN with THREE EYES. BENDER Holy mercenary! Fry ruffles through his pockets, pulls out a MATCHBOX. FRY One match left. Here goes nothing. He strikes it repeatedly against the box. Nothing happens. BENDER Here, let me help. Bender generates a LARGE BLOWTORCH from one of his hands. It instantly incinerates the match into ash. FRY Nice work. Now we’ll never get them out. A quiet, defeated beat. LEELA Hey, wait, a second! INT. YETI BASE - PRISON DOOR - LATER Two Yetis with large clubs stand guard. From within comes the sound of a BLOWTORCH. INT. YETI BASE - PRISON CELL - CONTINUOUS The sound is Fry and Leela, BLOWING HOT AIR onto the frozen bodies, now almost defrosted. They collapse, out of breath. LEELA It took three days, but we did it.


11. CONTINUED: FRY Would have gone a lot quicker if Bender had helped. Bender, still seated, looks up from his newspaper. BENDER (SELF-RIGHTEOUS) I told you already, I didn’t feel like it. LEELA They’re waking up! The Man’s eyes slowly open. MAN Wha- Who are you people? HANDY Captain Agnar! It’s me! WOMAN (AGNAR) Oh, Handy, what have they done to you? Agnar gently places Handy’s head atop the toilet tank. YETI 1 (O.S.) Hey, did we eat those prisoners yet? YETI GUARD (O.S.) I don’t know, want me to check? YETI 1 (O.S.) (SARCASTIC) No, I want you to answer my question with another question. YETI GUARD (O.S.) (GRUMBLING) Hey, dinner, you alive in there? He knocks on the door. LEELA We’re out of time. Think you can help us fight our way out of here? (CONTINUED)

12. CONTINUED: The man - FLASH - pulls out a LASER SHOTGUN and cocks it. MAN (FLASH) Does a yeti poop in the snow? HANDY I wish. AGNAR Flash, you take point. Butch cyclops, flank him. Sassy robot, guard our rear. Flabby ginger... Carry that toilet. Fry salutes, inspired. INT. YETI BASE - PRISON DOOR - CONTINUOUS The Yeti guard continues knocking on the door. YETI GUARD (WHINY) Come on, is anybody in there? The door EXPLODES OUTWARDS. Flash runs out, followed by Agnar, Leela, and Bender. A beat later, Fry follows, carrying the toilet. A FIGHT ensues. Flash takes out two YETIS with his shotgun. Leela gives Agnar a boost, allowing her to SOMERSAULT KICK a yeti past a casual, smoking Bender. Fry COWERS behind the toilet/Handy as two yetis close in. With his toilet seat, Handy knocks both of them out. Fry stands up, relieved, and carries Handy out of the base, followed by the rest of the crew. EXT. MURDERKILL CAVE The two crews exit, running for their lives. A pack of angry Yetis, wielding clubs and axes, follows them. INT. PLANET EXPRESS SHIP - COCKPIT The crew assumes their positions. Fry, finding his seat taken by Flash, drops the toilet and sits on it. The ship takes off. Bender looks out the window at the yetis, shaking their clubs and axes.


13. CONTINUED: BENDER Ha! Later, primitive cave-morons! The yetis turn their primitive weapons around, transforming them into LASER RIFLES. They fire at the departing ship. BENDER (CONT'D) (SCARED YELP) EXT. PLANET EXPRESS SHIP - CONTINUOUS The ship dodges laser blasts as it heads into space. INT. PLANET EXPRESS SHIP - SPACE Leela pilots the ship to safety. LEELA That was close. She leaves the wheel, joining Fry and Bender as they stand opposite their obvious counterparts. LEELA (CONT'D) Thanks for all your help back there. How did soldiers like you end up on Freon 9? AGNAR Oh, we’re not soldiers. We were a delivery crew. FRY Hey! Just like us! FLASH We were nothing like you! We worked for the best delivery company in the galaxy. A company called... Planet Express. A DRAMATIC MUSIC STING as Leela and Fry gasp. Bender doesn’t react. Fry leans over and whispers to him. BENDER (GETTING IT) Ohhhh! Weird. END ACT I


14. CONTINUED: ACT II EXT. PLANET EXPRESS - DAY INT. PLANET EXPRESS - DAY FRY, LEELA, and BENDER sit across from FLASH, AGNAR, and HANDY, restored to robot form. ZOIDBERG and AMY listen while the PROFESSOR and HERMES preside. PROF. FARNSWORTH Two of my delivery crews in the same room, and nary a disembowelment between them! Let’s welcome Flash, Agnar, and Handy back from their extended vacation. FLASH We weren’t on vacation, you old coot! We’ve been frozen solid for ten years! AGNAR Did you even look for us? PROF. FARNSWORTH That’s right. Their extended, unpaid vacation. HERMES You could have at least sent a postcard. FRY Professor, what’s the deal? I thought we were your favorite delivery crew. PROF. FARNSWORTH Oh, dear me, no. Agnar, Flash, and Handy were the best crew I’ve ever had. FLASH (MOLLIFIED) We did sling a package or two in our day. FRY So, we’re like, what, a close second? (CONTINUED)

15. CONTINUED: The Professor ignores the question and continues. THE PROFESSOR’S FLASHBACK: - A sleeker, heavily armed PLANET EXPRESS SHIP sails through the cosmos. PROF. FARNSWORTH (V.O.) Back in those days, Planet Express was the intergalactic shipping company. - A ROCKY MOON. HANDY jumps out and transforms into a HOVERFLAT. FLASH pushes him while AGNAR provides cover fire against various ROBOT ATTACKERS. PROF. FARNSWORTH (V.O.) (CONT'D) There was no job too hard or dangerous. Clients loved us. We even launched a children’s entertainment franchise. - A ROOM OF CHILDREN watch the previous scene on TELEVISION. TITLE CARD: PLANET EXPRESS DELIVERY RANGERS! PROF. FARNSWORTH (V.O.) (CONT'D) Then, one day, they vanished. - The TV SHUTS OFF. PROF. FARNSWORTH (V.O.) (CONT'D) I was left with only my hefty insurance pay-out and various licensing deals to comfort me. - In his LAB, the Professor sadly counts money. PROF. FARNSWORTH (V.O.) (CONT'D) With orders piling up, I was forced to hire the next bunch of losers who walked through my door. - FRY, LEELA, and BENDER enter the room. INT. PLANET EXPRESS - CONFERENCE ROOM - PRESENT The Professor finishes his story. ZOIDBERG What a story! (CONTINUED)

16. CONTINUED: AMY You guys are, like, heroes. FRY Hey! Don’t forget who rescued the heroes. AMY Splu’h. (TO AGNAR) He cried in the corner, didn’t he? AGNAR Fry was very brave in his own way. BENDER In the same way a baby is. When it cries. In some kind of corner. FLASH So what now? Our deal with you ended years ago. HERMES Normally, yes, but our contracts have a suspended animation clause. FLASH What’s that? HERMES While you were frozen, so was it. You still owe us some serious work. FRY Wait - are we fired? HERMES Of course not. We’d need you if these rascals disappeared on another “unpaid vacation.” Agnar, Flash, and Handy glare at Hermes. PROF. FARNSWORTH Or if someone needs a new liver. (CONTINUED)

17. CONTINUED: Leela and Fry glare at the Professor. Bender scratches his chin, intrigued. BENDER Half the work, eh? Genius! Hermes pushes a LARGE BOX WITH AIR HOLES into frame. HERMES But enough yammering. These Plutonian Snapping Beetles were due yesterday. And they are not happy about it. FRY The customers? HERMES No, the beetles. They’re snappier than an island snapping turtle on Snapper’s Day. He pokes the box. A chorus of loud SNAPPING emanates. Leela and Fry stare, horrified, but Flash steps forward. FLASH We’re on it. Flash and his crew run out, a model of efficiency. The old crew reluctantly follows behind them. EXT. SPACE The Planet Express ship hurtles into space. INT. PLANET EXPRESS SHIP - COCKPIT Leela and Agnar are at the helm. LEELA Look at us. Two strong, independent female captains, working together. AGNAR Isn’t it great? I’ve always wanted a role model of your age. LEELA Well, I’m not that much older than(CONTINUED)

18. CONTINUED: AGNAR And with such strong, masculine shoulders, too. Leela grinds her teeth into a smile. AGNAR (CONT’D) Oh, do you mind if I pilot for a bit? I know a short cut through this sector. LEELA (THROUGH HER TEETH) Sure. Why not. INT. PLANET EXPRESS - CARGO BAY The box of beetles is secured to the floor with straps. In one corner, Handy talks to a bored-looking Bender. HANDY ...THEN I transformed into a hand-cart. I was really helpful that day. BENDER If I hear one more story about helping or lifting, I’m going help my foot lift into your ass. Across the room, Fry pesters Flash. FRY Look at us! Two space explorers, just hanging out. We’re like Han Solo and his partner, Other Han Solo! Flash SIGHS HEAVILY. Suddenly, the ship SHAKES. FLASH Somethin’ hit us! Protect the cargo! Several of the straps SNAP. To keep the box from sliding, Bender and Fry hold one side, Handy and Flash the other. EXT. ASTEROID FIELD The ship flies through a dense patch of asteroids.


INT. PLANET EXPRESS SHIP - COCKPIT Agnar flies while Leela cowers behind her. LEELA THIS IS YOUR SHORTCUT? You’re going to get us all killed! AGNAR Please. Any captain worth their salt could fly this with one eye closedLeela gives her a cold, monocular stare. AGNAR (CONT’D) Ah. Right. INT. PLANET EXPRESS SHIP - CARGO BAY Bender and Fry hold one side of the box, Handy and Flash hold the other. FRY (TO HIMSELF) OK, Fry, don’t be scared. You’re a delivery boy, just like Flash. Hard, braveBENDER Ah, screw this, I need a smoke. As Bender walks away, the crate BREAKS FREE from its final restraints, pushing Fry off-screen. FRY (O.S.) Don’t worry, Flash, I have it under control! There’s a loud CRASH and high-pitched SHRIEK. Fry runs back through frame, SNAPPING BEETLES all over his body. FLASH Ah! They’re even more snappy than I imagined! FLASH! HELP! Flash and Handy look on, not impressed.


INT. PLANET EXPRESS - THE PROFESSOR’S LAB - THE NEXT DAY Leela and Bender storm in, followed by Fry, still pulling snapping beetles off of himself. LEELA Professor, we can’t work with that crew. They’re a bunch of arrogant, recklessBENDER -ass-kissing, slap-happyFRY -totally awesome dudes! The Professor is about to answer, when Agnar, Flash and Handy walk in. AGNAR We had some concerns, as well. FLASH Crew’s gone a bit soft in our absence. LEELA Just because we don’t want to risk our lives for a stupid packageThe Professor opens his mouth again, but Fry steps in. FRY Leela, I know you’re not rough-ridin’ delivery folk like Flash and meFLASH A yellow-belly like you? Don’t make me laugh. ‘Cause I can’t. Astro-hawk ripped out that part of my vocal cords. He points to a NASTY SCAR on his throat. FRY But- I made patchesFry holds up a military-style UNIT PATCH, depicting Flash giving him a piggy-back ride. (CONTINUED)

21. CONTINUED: LEELA Well, Professor, looks like you have to make a choice. Us orThe Professor stares silently. SMASH CUT TO: EXT. PLANET EXPRESS - FRONT DOOR Leela, Fry and Bender fly out, holding cardboard boxes of their possessions. The door slams behind them. LEELA -them. FRY This bites. Everybody thinks I’m a coward. BENDER An unemployed coward. LEELA Well, I think it’s for the best. I’d like a job whose contract doesn’t have a “death-by-giant-space-leech” clause. BENDER This is really going to do a number on my programming. Through Bender’s robot-vision, we see a list of DIRECTIVES: 1:AVOID WORK 2:BOOZE 3:GRIFT 4:PHILANDER He DELETES the first one, moving up the remaining items. BENDER (CONT'D) All better. Later losers! The crew go their separate ways. FADE TO BLACK. EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD EXPRESS - LATER A NEW DAY. We open a DIFFERENT BUILDING than usual - a small, modest, DELIVERY COMPANY. (CONTINUED)

22. CONTINUED: Fry approaches the door. He surveys the building’s sign “NEIGHBORHOOD EXPRESS: WE DELIVER... SAFELY!” - and sighs. INT. NEIGHBORHOOD EXPRESS - CONFERENCE ROOM Fry mopes into a tiny CONFERENCE ROOM. Posters litter the walls: “STEP 1: See danger, Step 2: Run away” and “FAST IS SCARY! SLOW IS SAFE!” A SWEATY CEO enters. CEO New guy! Big day today! the way to the edge! Fry perks up. CEO (CONT’D) ..of our five block delivery radius! FRY (BORED) Yippee. The CEO hands him a package. CEO Be safe! EXT. CITY STREET - DAY Fry, still morose, pedals a tiny KIDDIE DELIVERY SPACESHIP as several KIDS ON BIKES speed past him. EXT. MATTRESS AND PADDED ROOM FACTORY Fry pedals up to a large FACTORY. INT. MATTRESS AND PADDED ROOM FACTORY - FACTORY FLOOR Fry enters, carrying the package. FRY I have a package for (READS) Turanga Leela? He looks up - there’s Leela, in a jumpsuit and hard hat. FRY (CONT’D) Leela... You work here now? You’re going all


23. CONTINUED: LEELA (A LITTLE SAD) I said I wanted something safe, right? And hey - 393,271 days without and accident and counting. She points to a LONG SIGN counting the days. In the background, a man FALLS OFF a tall railing. He immediately lands in a pile of super-soft mattresses. MAN I’m OK! Everybody claps politely. Leela sighs heavily. FRY I guess that’s cool. Want to sign for this package of cotton-made fluff? LEELA (HOPEFUL) Weapons-grade stuff? FRY No... The MAN who fell down approaches Leela from behind. MAN Hey, Turanga, could youLeela, surprised, DECKS HIM AND FLIPS HIM ONTO HIS BACK. The ACCIDENT SIGN flips to zero. A sad “AW” from the room. FRY Are you sure you’re OK? LEELA (SOBBING) I AM SO BORED. Delivery was dangerous, but it was INTERESTING. Have you ever spot-checked 5,000 mattresses? FRY I know how you feel. Now when I pee my pants at work, I can only blame myself!


24. CONTINUED: LEELA/FRY WE WANT OUR STUPID JOBS BACKS! BENDER runs into frame, out of breath. LEELA Bender? What are you doing here? BENDER Same as you, unsatisfied, feelings, blah, blah, blah. Now let’s scram before any angry mobs just happen to show up. He pushes Fry and Leela to leave. BENDER (CONT’D) Oh, and if anybody asks, I’ve never been to Brazil, you’re my cousin Filipe, and I’ve been here for the past week. Cool? ANGRY MOB NOISES are heard off-screen. MAN (O.S.) There he is! Get him! BENDER Know what? I’ll just meet you guys back at the office. Bender runs off-screen. END ACT II


25. CONTINUED: ACT III EXT. SPACE - ASTEROID FIELD A DELIVERY SHIP, similar to the PLANET EXPRESS SHIP, flies tepidly through space, bombarded by asteroids. A harsh GUITAR RIFF plays under an AGGRESSIVE NARRATOR: NARRATOR (V.O.) Other delivery companies too wimpy to get your package where its going? Lasers hits the ship and it EXPLODES, revealing the ACTUAL PLANET EXPRESS SHIP, modified into a sleek war cruiser. NARRATOR (V.O.) (CONT'D) While other companies whine about things like “border treaties” and “war zones”, the NEW Planet Express is on the job. INT. STUDIO - “MOON SET” FLASH, HANDY and AGNAR stand on a set, holding a PACKAGE. A STUNT MAN in a SPACE MONSTER COSTUME lumbers on-screen. A lower third reveals this is a “DRAMATIZATION”. STUNT MAN/”MONSTER” Hey, Planet Express! I want that package... TO EAT!! Flash quickly whips out a very real looking LASER PISTOL and blasts the “monster” in the chest. STUNT MAN/”MONSTER” (CONT'D) HOLY CRAP HE ACTUALLY SHOTBefore he can finish, the commercial SLAM CUTS TO: EXT. ACTUAL JUNGLE An DOC STYLE CAMERA struggles to keep up with the crew as they run through a dense, alien jungle. NARRATOR (V.O.) In fact, we don’t need any sissy dramatizations.


26. CONTINUED: FLASH and AGNAR fight off a number of REPTILIAN GORILLAMONSTERS while Handy protects the package. A monster ATTACKS THE CAMERA-MAN. He SCREAMS as the camera shuts off. CUT TO an EXTREME PLANET EXPRESS LOGO. NARRATOR (CONT'D) Planet Express. We get your package there, no matter what. INT. PLANET EXPRESS - CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS The PROFESSOR shuts off the TV we were just watching. PROF. FARNSWORTH I hope that answered all your questions. FRY, LEELA, and BENDER don’t look satisfied. LEELA Of course not! We want out jobs back, not to see some stupid commercial. FRY All I learned was how much better those guys are then- Wait, was that the point? The Professor is now being FITTED FOR A SUIT. PROF. FARNSWORTH I’d answer, but thanks to my new crew, I’m so wealthy that I don’t have to. The Professor snaps his fingers. Two LARGE BOUNCERS approach the crew. One of them reads from a card: BOUNCER (FLAT) Good news, everybody. You are being removed from the premises. EXT. PLANET EXPRESS BUILDING - CONTINUOUS The bouncers throw the crew onto the street. BENDER Getting thrown out of this building is really starting to dent my ass. (CONTINUED)

27. CONTINUED: FRY Well, I guess it’s time to give up. LEELA No! I’m not going let some over-achieving adrenaline jockeys replace us. We took their jobs once. We can take them again. BENDER Me-thinks the lady doth propose a scheme! Leela smiles. INT. PLANET EXPRESS - CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER Handy, Agnar, and Flash enter, laughing after a job well done. Farnsworth waits for them. FLASH And the War Planet? Please. I’ve beat up children with bigger plasma rifles. AGNAR Yeah, Professor, when are you going to give us a real challenge? PROF. FARNSWORTH I was actually just discussing your next mission with this eccentric billionaire. REVEAL: On-screen, it’s BENDER, with a top-hat, fake mustache, and monocle. BENDER ‘Ello, ‘ello. HANDY That eccentric billionaire looks... familiar. BENDER (BAD BRITISH ACCENT) You’ve probably seen my reality show, (NO ACCENT) “No I Don’t, So Shut-Up You Dumb Robot.”


28. CONTINUED: FLASH Oh man, I love that show! AGNAR Did you just lose your British accent? BENDER Maybe. (WAVES HANDS) I’m eccentric! But to the point - I need a delivery crew to retrieve the mythical Celestial Egg. FLASH The Celestial Egg? But that’s just a myth! BENDER Not true! My imbecile man-servant found a map to it on the back of an ancient fast food menu. Skippy, if you please! FRY, grumbling, enters and hands Bender a PAPER MAP. Bender holds it up - there’s a crude EGG drawn on it. BENDER (CONT’D) Right between these two black holes, a smidge north of the Eternal Fire Planet. Unless you think it’s too... dangerous? FLASH Of course not! BENDER Excellent! Get the egg, and I’ll reward you with untold riches. Hurry, I could become un-eccentric at any time! He laughs maniacally as the screen SHUTS OFF. AGNAR Professor, I don’t know if we should take this job. It seems... fishy. Farnsworth wakes up from a nap.


29. CONTINUED: PROF. FARNSWORTH Wha- Oh, poppycock. It seems certainly on the level to me. Now get going! The crew dutifully files out. INT. ROBOT ARMS APARTMENT - FRY’S ROOM Bender, as we just saw him, faces a vid-screen. Fry pushes a MANSION BACK-DROP away, revealing his crappy apartment. BENDER I think they bought it! Nice work, me! LEELA Why did I have to be down here?? WIDEN TO REVEAL: Unseen by the Professor, Bender is wearing a LONG COAT and standing on LEELA’S SHOULDERS. BENDER You try giving a convincing performance with tired feet. He hops off of her, landing with a loud THUNK. LEELA Are we ready for phase two? Fry wheels a LARGE, PAPER MACHE EGG into frame. FRY You bet! INT. PLANET EXPRESS - CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER Leela and Bender enter on Farnsworth, counting money. LEELA Professor! We picked up that egg you were looking for! In record time! PROF. FARNSWORTH Oh my, really? Fry pushes in the PAPER MACHE EGG.


30. CONTINUED: BENDER That very handsome billionaire is going to be thrilled. Bet we make your current crew look like a bunch of chumps. PROF. FARNSWORTH Oh, this is great news! A second celestial egg! BENDER A second what now? REVEAL: Agnar, Handy, and Flash, with their own, much more impressive REAL EGG. FLASH What’s up... chumps. FRY You actually found the egg?! BENDER Clearly, this is some sort of a scam! Professor, fire these con artists immediately! FRY Uh, Bender, their egg might be real. BENDER What- Come on. Why would you say that? FRY (POINTS) It’s hatching. ANGLE ON: The REAL EGG shakes and cracks. A GIANT SPACE TREX with WINGS POPS OUT and knocks down Handy and Agnar. FRY (CONT’D) (GIRLISH SHRIEK) BENDER Uh, look, our egg’s hatching, too! Bender knocks it over. Candy pours out. (CONTINUED)

31. CONTINUED: BENDER (CONT’D) Whoa! The celestial pinata candy of- AH! A DINOSAUR TAIL knocks Bender off-frame. Leela runs to attack the beast, but it knocks her down and pins her with one of its feet. LEELA (STRUGGLING) Someone! Help! Fry just stands there, trembling. FLASH Ah, hell, I’ll handle this. He pulls out his SHOTGUN. The space-dino KNOCKS IT AWAY. FLASH (CONT’D) (SCARED) Ah, my gun! My lasers come out of that! Flash backs into the corner, whimpering. FRY What!? Flash, come on! Flash shakes his head “No.” Fry can’t believe it. FRY (CONT’D) Fine. My bowels may be on a mission to vacate, but I’m on mission to face my fears like a man! Hey dino, over here! The space-dino leaves Leela and ROARS IN FRY’S FACE. FRY (CONT’D) (MEEK) Mission accomplished on both fronts. The space-dino rears back and prepares to eat him. BENDER Fry! I don’t think he’s into morals! Leela suddenly leaps in to action, KICKING the space-dino on the nose. She punches it twice between the eyes. (CONTINUED)

32. CONTINUED: LEELA HEE-YA! Oh God, I’ve never felt so ALIVE! The space-dino retreats, leaving a hole in one wall. Everybody CHEERS. Fry helps Flash up. FLASH You did all right there, kid. Fry smiles hopefully. He holds up the PATCH from earlier. FRY Does this meanFLASH (SIGHS) OK, fine. Flash reaches for the patch, but Fry jumps on his back for a surprise PIGGY BACK RIDE. With Fry on his back giggling like a little girl, Flash stumbles past Leela and Agnar. AGNAR I’m sorry I put you and your friends at risk. LEELA No, it’s OK. My life needed a little danger. Handy looks to Bender hopefully. BENDER Bite me, sunshine. HERMES, holding PAPERS, enters with the Professor. PROF. FARNSWORTH Hurray! Everyone’s friends again. Just in time to renew your contracts without reviewing the terms. Handy, Agnar and Flash exchange glances.


33. CONTINUED: AGNAR Actually, we’ve been meaning to talk to you about that. FLASH We’d like to negotiate some extra compensation. PROF. FARNSWORTH Oh certainly! You’ve been working very hard for this company and you should be rewarded. SMASH CUT TO: INT. PLANET EXPRESS - CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER Fry, Leela, Bender, Amy, and Zoidberg sit across from Hermes and the Professor. AMY So you just fired them? PROF. FARNSWORTH (ANGRY) Of course! Can’t have employees just going around asking for raises once a decade. FRY Well, I know I learned an important lesson todayHERMES Didn’t we all! Larger profits don’t always justify an increase in overhead. FRY Right, but alsoBENDER If you can’t beat ‘em, undercut their prices. FRY Yeah, but you guys saw when(CONTINUED)

34. CONTINUED: LEELA Risking your life is OK, as long as you get your adrenaline fix. FRY GUYS! I stood up to a dinosaur. Doesn’t that mean anything to you!? OMNI Eh. / Not really. / Who? ZOIDBERG (HOLDING IT UP) I found a candy! Fry sags pitifully. Leela smiles and puts her hand on his. LEELA I thought you were very brave. She kisses him on the cheek. Fry smiles. LEELA (CONT’D) Now go change your pants. As we PULL OUT, we CUT TO: EXT. PLANET EXPRESS The FLYING SPACE-DINO rampages through the city, breathing fire and destroying buildings as a sweet CLOSING CUE plays. END.

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