Copyri ght © 1973 by Jack Lee Rosenberg

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyri ght Convent i ons
First printing: February 1973, 1,500 copies in cloth
50, 000 copies in paperback
Second printing: December 1975, 25, 000 copies in paperback
Illustrated by Joseph Jaqua
Typeset by Vera Allen Composi t i on Service, Castro Valley, California
(special thanks to Vera and Dor ot hy)
Art Edi t or: Anne Kent Rush
Special Edi t or: Pat Rosenberg
Typi st : Jul anne Crocket t
Photograph of Jack Rosenberg by John Pearson
This book is co-published by Random House Inc.
201 East 50th Street
New York, N.Y. 10022
and The Bookworks
2043 Francisco Street
Berkeley, California 94709
Distributed in the United States by Random House, and simultaneously published
in Canada by Random House of Canada Limited, Tor ont o
Please order from Random House.
Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data
Rosenberg, Jack Lee, 1932-
Total Orgasm.
1, Exercise. 2. Orgasm. I. Title.
RA788. R64 613. 7' 1 72-12650
ISBN 0-394-48501-7
ISBN 0-394-73167-0 (pbk)
Manufactured in the United States of America
to Said
and a special t hanks to
Phil Cur cur ut o,
my Reichian therapist, from whom I have
gained a great deal of knowledge.
Preface to the Second Edition
Since the publication of TOTAL ORGASM in 1973 I have been very pleased
with the response that readers have given me by mail and directly in my workshops.
Many of the letters comment ed t hat the exercises and concept s out l i ned here were
useful: to some they were earth-shattering.
The greatest enthusiasm has come from therapists and counselors in the
sexual field, who see this book as a reference or a guide to their work. This
accept ance is most gratifying and rewarding to me. Thank you.
My thanks also to Brev Sinclair who devised the chart of exercises found on
page 214 in this edition. It should greatly simplify rememberi ng the sequence of
exercises and therefore make their practice easier.
Jack Lee Rosenberg
In the Beginning 1
Some Principles 7
How to Work 13
Breathing and Movement 21
Orgasm 29
Exercising Alone 37
Preliminaries for Working wi t h a Partner 99
Working wi t h a Partner 109
Masturbation 163
Joining Together 173
How to Lose your Mind 187
Religion and Sex - Spirituality and Orgasm 199
How the Book Came to Be 209
Publisher's Note:
This edition of Total Orgasm includes a chart of exercises,
found on page 214, which should be a great help both in
giving at a glance an overview of the work and in providing
a handy tear-out reference page to the structure of the
work in progress.
In the Beginning
there was a man and a woman, and t hey came together and begat children,
and we've been doing it ever since. But now that peopling the earth is no
longer an urgent goal — in fact it' s rather frowned upon in some circles — .the
serious work of that coming together is removed, and we are left with the pure
pleasure of it.
For many people, sexual union is barren of pleasure; an obligation, a
performance maybe, but barren of real personal pleasure. For others, there is a
continual desire for more and deeper pleasure coupled with the nagging t hought
that there is no such thing. If you feel that your present sexual relationship is
okay, normal, good or excellent, but you wish to explore the possibility of
making it even better, then this book may be for you.
The book assumes t hat having an orgasm is a natural body event —
much like sneezing - and, like many body events, is a kind of reflex action.
Given the right condi t i ons, your orgasm will j ust happen; all you will have to
do once the condi t i ons are set up is go along with it. But, in order to go along
with an orgasm, you have to know how to set up the right conditions. I offer
here a set of exercises which can do just t hat . You will learn to use your
breathing and certain movement s to build tension and energy in your body in a
pattern which simulates the movements that automatically precede an orgasm,
that, in fact, have to be present for complete orgasm. As you practice this
pattern, you will begin to get in touch with exci t ement , tension and ot her
body feelings which until now you may not have known you had. As you
recreate this excitement again and again in your exercises, you will learn how
to allow yourself to tolerate more excitement , more pleasure than you could
before. Finally, I will show you how to take this increased capacity for
pleasure and excitement, and join with your partner to develop even more
excitement which can culminate in a complete involvement together - both
psychically and physically — and in the enjoyment and poet ry of a total
It is possible - with time and practice - to have orgasms that are not
limited in feeling to your genital area alone, but that fill your entire body and
psyche; orgasms that will leave you nourished and fulfilled as never before;
orgasms which are not forced in any way, but which are a natural body event.
In fact, as you practice these exercises, you may come to see that previously
you at t ai ned an orgasm by pushing on yourself, and t hat this very pushing
blocked any intensity in the orgasm which resulted.
This book is not a sex manual and not a therapy or substitute for
t herapy. There are many books offering "102 new posi t i ons" or urging us to
drop our inhibitions and give ourselves permission to do "anyt hi ng that feels
okay. " Many of these are certainly useful and valid, but after I had gotten
comfortable with the conviction t hat anyt hi ng is all right, I wondered where I
could go to improve on "all ri ght " and make it better. What I offer here is the
result of my own search for answers to personal sex questions together with
years of experience teaching the exercises at Gestalt awareness training
workshops and with private patients.
I have drawn into this book elements from Gcstalt awareness training,
dance and movement therapies (primarily the work of Ann Halprin), basic body
therapies such as that of Wilhelm Reich and bio-energetic therapy, the
structural patterning concepts of Ida Rolf and Moshe Feldenkrais, some asanas
(exercises) from Hatha Yoga, plus my personal experience and experimentation
as a therapist. All this energy is organized i nt o the book.
In Gestalt awareness we teach t hat in order to change any way of being,
it is necessary to first become aware of what you are doing now, how you
stop yourself, how you prevent yourself from actualizing your own pot ent i al . We
emphasize taking responsibility for your own behavior by gaining awareness of
what is happening; then you have a choice whether to continue what you are
doing or change it. The key is the concept t hat until you are aware of what
you are doing you have no choice but to continue doing it. The exercises in
this book allow you to experience how you st op yourself from building
excitement and tension and pleasure during intercourse. Once you can feel how
you block yourself, you will have the opt i on to change those blockages.
I have drawn from Dr. Moshe Feldenkrais the concept of "self-image":
how because each of us behaves according to an image we have of ourselves,
we acquire an overly limited idea of what we can be like and what we can do,
both with our lives and with our bodies. When the individual repeatedly
experiences a certain difficulty, he usually abandons the activity that he has
found hard to master, at which he has not succeeded, or that has proved
disagreeable in some way. He establishes a rule for himself, saying, for instance,
"1 cannot learn to dance, " or "I am not sociable by nat ure, " or "I shall never
understand mat hemat i cs. " The limits that he t hus sets for himself will st op his
development not only in fields that he has decided to abandon but also in
ot her areas; they may even influence his entire personality.
We learn how we are to behave in our sexual relations, particularly in
an orgasm, and we respond to that image of behavior more than to our
feelings. The movement exercises in the book will allow you to experience the
orgastic reflex as feelings; you will be able to begin to replace your image of
an orgasm with your real experience.
The flow of movement leading to the orgastic reflex is like a dance, and
I owe the greatest gratitude to Ann Halprin, a beautiful person and dancer,
who shared with me her work in rhyt hmi c movement and breath timing. This
allowed me to develop movement s directly associated with the orgastic reflex.
Wilhelm Reich spent his life developing, among other things, a
psychology of the body. He translated many of Freud' s psychological concept s
i nt o body concept s, then worked directly with these bodily expressions. He felt
t hat you express psychic t rauma in your body through muscular patterns and
tensions, and his therapy included worki ng with a person' s breathing to directly
effect the aut onomi c or "veget at i ve" nervous system. I have drawn from
Reich' s work his theoretical way of seeing energy flow in the body, and the
idea of developing tolerance to pleasurable feelings.
Hatha Yoga is the yoga of the body; it is the art of letting go slowly,
of allowing yourself to be relaxed. Many of the exercise positions 1 use are
from Yoga; along with these I borrow the attitude of allowing your body to
move in an unaccust omed way.
Tantric Yoga, the yoga of achieving enlightenment through sexual union,
is for the most part not suited to Westerners, since it takes many years to
master, but it cont ri but es a t heory of psychic joining t hat is useful to us here
and which I will enlarge upon later.
The book is an eclectic collection of useful t ool s; what holds them
together is t hat they work.
Mountains of literature have been produced on the subject of sex, some
heavy t ext books full of scientific data, some offering advice, many sex manuals
or how-to-do-it books offering the reader detailed instructions for having
intercourse, pleasing a partner or j ust general information. These books all
assume that if you follow steps one, t wo and three, your sex life will blossom.
I have found this attitude hopelessly unrealistic. My viewpoint is t hat each
person must take the responsibility for his own sexual pleasure, and, in view of
individual differences, that there can be no set procedure. Each person must
learn how to get in touch with his own feelings of sexual exci t ement and learn
how to tolerate them and let t hem grow. Orgasm is a reflex; it happens when
either your psychological or your physiological setting is right (ideally bot h) . It
cannot be forced wi t hout inhibiting body pleasure.
Most sex manuals tend to concent rat e your at t ent i on upon pleasuring
your partner; I want to show you how to give pleasure to yourself. While it is
desireable to bring pleasure to a partner, it is easy to fall into a "performance
t r ap" where you find yourself always working to please the other person. In my
experience, this is a good means of increasing your tension, but not your
enjoyment of sex. It can be injurious to both persons if it shifts the
responsibility of excitement to someone or something else.
if you are currently undergoing t reat ment for a serious physical or
psychological probl em, such as heart disease where any exci t ement is
prohibited, or if you are in any psychotherapy t hat may be disturbed by
arousing your feelings or exci t ement , show this book to your doctor before
you begin. These exercises will lead you to get in t ouch with feelings and
emot i ons which will increase your breathing and your excitement, if your
doctor or therapist feels t hat this could work against your professional
t reat ment , follow your doct or' s advice; don' t do the exercises. Although I have
had some very good results in my workshops using these exercises with
non-orgastic women - helping them to begin to experience how to be
multi-orgastic - and with men who have trouble with premature ejaculation, I
wish to emphasize that this is not a book for anyone who has severe sex
problems . . . t hat is, anyone who is suffering from continual i mpot ence, the
inability to achieve an erection, or any ot her problem that makes regular
intercourse impossible. Such problems are beyond the scope of the book, and
should be brought to the at t ent i on of a therapist.
Now let' s begin.
Some Principles
Your success with these exercises will be based on how much you can allow
yourself to get in t ouch with your body sensations and your feelings - to
relax and open yourself to your natural feeling of aliveness and flowing energy,
the same energy and aliveness that you experience as sexual exci t ement . There
can be no formulas or instructions to show you how to do this. However,
there are several basic principles or concept s which underlie and guide this
work. It would be well for you to have them in mi nd before you begin.
First of all, understand that the information you need is inside you.
The information is not in this book and cannot be in any book, because it is
your experience of the excitement of being alive and of allowing your
excitement to be expressed in many ways in your life, your work, your play
and particularly in your sexual relationships. What you need is to get in t ouch
with this exci t ement . This you can do by practicing the movement s and
breathing that will allow you to feel and to learn' to tolerate, a little at a time,
the excitement and mot i on t hat come naturally during the sexual experi ence.
One way to describe how you get in touch with these feelings is to say that
you will just allow t hem to happen. You let your feelings go.
As you work on these exercises, you will experience body sensations
and perhaps emot i ons that seem to spring up from nowhere. You will
encounter feelings which surprise you, such as j oy, exci t ement , loneliness, fear,
anger, grief and ot hers. It is i mport ant to realize that since you are trying to
get in touch with your feelings, you should view these experiences as signs of
success, as clear markers that you are getting deeper in touch with yourself.
Often people are caught by surprise by the strength and the sudden appearance
of feelings they didn' t know they felt. Therefore their response is to hold on,
to resist the feelings, to want to pull back to more familiar ground, to want to
regain cont rol of themselves. Try not to do this. A good orgasm presupposes
loss of cont rol . Let your natural body reflex take over. Go with your body;
try to get i nt o whatever feelings want to come out . Though such an experience
may be unfamiliar to you at first, you will quickly see t hat your body is only
living out a natural, healthy response and that the st rong emot i ons you now
feel will pass in a while.
If you work on these exercises and feel nothing — something is wrong;
you are holding on t oo tight. However, it is difficult to speak for another
person. Don' t be afraid to innovate for yourself. If, as you work with the
exercises, you get an impulse or feeling to do a certain thing differently than 1
suggest, or to try something new — do it. But keep in mi nd the basic
principles of the book. So long as it leads you toward increased feelings in
your body and emot i ons you can' t be on the wrong track. In fact, you very
well may be on the only track t hat will work for you.
Anot her important principle underlying this work is your attitude
t oward pleasure. The way to have a bet t er orgasm is to allow yourself to feel
pleasure. Did you ever ask yourself "I wonder if I should enjoy t hat " and then
decide not to? You may find, as you work through this book, that you have
difficulty allowing yourself to feel good - in both mind and body. In your
head you begin to doubt whet her you ought to be doing these exercises at all;
in your body, as you move and breathe and get a pleasant sensation traveling
up or down your body, you tense up, st op breathing, and j ust go through the
mot i ons.
You may as well face the fact t hat these exercises will put you in
touch with a strong resistance to your own pleasure. Part of the purpose of the
book is to help you to build a tolerance to pleasure and exci t ement . Some
people feel t hat if they really let .go and enjoy themselves sexually now, they' ll
have not hi ng left for the future. In our culture it is considered "adul t " to
post pone pleasure and "save" some for t omorrow . . . if you eat all your cake
now, you won' t have it when you' re hungry so you let it sit around until it
molds, and then you don' t have it anyway. Others secretly fear that they will
die of over-pleasure; in fact in some languages the orgasm is referred to as "t he
little deat h, " recognizing the orgasm' s similarity to the ultimate "letting go" —
deat h, if you can identify these feelings in yourself now, you are beginning to
get in touch with how you' re stopping yourself from the feeling of total
In sex, the not i on of postponing pleasure is self-defeating, because it
means your excitement will be shut off j ust as it begins to build. For a clear
idea of how to go with your excitement, watch a child at play. Children
literally let their exci t ement carry them away. Adults are "cont rol l ed" chi l dren.
You control yourself by deadening your emot i onal responses. In fact, t here' s a
really interesting thing you can do. Watch the excitement of a child at play,
and imitate that exci t ement . . . let yourself j ump and move and scratch. Then,
slow it down . . . a little at a time; now move half as fast. Cont i nue to slow
your movement down, and you will find that your bodily movements, such as
scratching your leg, moving your foot, turning your head etc. , are really the
same movements t hat the child makes in exaggerated form, and you have j ust
controlled in yourself. Thi nk of the meaning of the phrase "be cool . " How do
you "cont r ol " your exci t ement ? Always by restricting your movements and
your breathing. For instance, stop reading for a moment and breathe normally.
Become aware of your breathing . . . relaxed and quiet. Now stand up and try
moving your hips in a circle (this is a warm-up exercise used in Tai Chi) . . .
forward, side, back, side . . . all around in a smooth circle, again, and again, for
about a mi nut e. Now, what about your breathing? If you' re like most people,
you are now breathing in restricted pants from your chest. Your abdominal
muscles are drawn up tight. No breath can reach your abdomen. In fact, your
pelvis, which is moving, cannot breat he. You have blocked your breath from
getting down i nt o your pelvis. You have also blocked any sensations or feelings
from getting into the area. You have constricted your muscles, separating
breathing from mot i on, blocking your feelings. You have "cont r ol l ed" yourself.
But, of course, the Tai Chi practitioner doesn' t have this problem. It is
anatomically possible for everyone to breathe and move his pelvis at the same
t i me. In fact, that is j ust what my exercises are all about . When you move and
breathe in this way, you will turn yourself on — not because you are
performing for anyone else or for an image of what you might look like, but
because this breathing and mot i on will really feel good to you.
Perhaps you experience no difficulty with your breathing . . . perhaps
the Tai Chi exercise came easily for you . . . perhaps you are one of the lucky
ones who can have pleasure easily. For instance, I have a friend who says she
is multi-orgastic. She has as many orgasms as she want s, and she says, "I don' t
do all t hat breathing stuff to have an orgasm. I don' t know what you' re talking
about . I just go off, and go off, and go off, and it' s like a spiral. I keep going
higher and higher. I don' t underst and why you' re writing all this stuff about
breathing and everything. " I began to question her. What she does,
aut omat i cal l y, when she starts the foreplay of sex, is to breathe hard, yelling
and making noise (she's very ext rovert ed), and she really put s her whole body
i nt o her sexual experience before she starts having intercourse, before
penet rat i on. She has, unfort unat el y, been charged with disturbing the peace and
has been asked to move by more than one landlady, but she has no shortage
of pleasure in her life. If you are like her, you do not need this book, just a
good lawyer!
Finally, the work in this book is an awareness training exercise. By
beginning to experience (not t hi nk about ) how you move, breathe and feel
during intercourse, you will get to know yourself better and will open up the
possibility of moving away from patterns which have previously blocked your
pleasure. Even if you decide not to i ncorporat e these exercises i nt o your
orgasmic pattern or your sex life, by reading this book you will have t hought
about what your present pattern is, what you feel like in intercourse, where
and when you are tense or tired and whet her you are really willing to let
yourself enjoy yourself. By doing this, you will have made a big step toward
loving yourself a little mor e. You will have gotten in touch with where you are
now, and you will have seen that perhaps t here is a choice for you. Follow
your feelings and see where you go.
How to Work
Some of the exercises in the book are to be done alone; ot hers are
done with a partner. Since these t wo kinds of exercises are somewhat different,
I have put t hem i nt o separate sections of the book. You will be working alone
for a week or more before you begin work with your partner. It is a good idea
to have your partner begin his or her solitary work at the same time you do.
That way both of you will be at about the same place when you begin your
work together. However, don' t work alone t oget her, or in any ot her situation
in which you' ll have to be aware of anot her person. Instead, try to get your
head i nt o a place where you can have a good time with yourself alone — doi ng
something for yourself, spending time on yourself, not wanting to accomplish
anything, not trying to learn anything, j ust allowing yourself to " be. "
Such an at t i t ude may be a luxury to you; you may not be in the habit
of being good to yourself. It ' s a fine habit to cultivate, though it may t ake
time before you can really relax into it. But start now. Pleasing yourself is an
absolute must for bet t er sex . . . be greedy!
When you try to push for something, when you set yourself a goal, or
try to solve a problem in this kind of wor k, t hat ' s when you' re bound to be
defeated. Success in the pleasure of sex requires t hat you allow yourself to
enjoy- Just try to let yourself go i nt o these exercises. They are for your whole
body, not your head.
On c e you get i n t o t h e s ol i t ar y exer ci ses you ma y begi n t o feel s ome
c ha nge s i n y o u r b o d y pa t t e r ns or mo v e me n t . Pe r ha ps t h e c h a n g e s will be slight
at fi rst , b u t t hey' l l be e n o u g h f or y o u t o get t he feel of wha t t hi s a ppr oa c h i s
all a b o u t . Pe r h a ps you' l l pa y mo r e a t t e n t i o n t o y o u r s exual e x p e r i e n c e , feel less
t e n s e ; p e r h a p s you' l l br e a t he mo r e eas i l y; pe r ha ps you' l l be mo r e a wa r e of your
o wn feel i ngs. You ma y not i c e a n i ncr eas e i n y o u r f r e que nc y of ur i nat i on.
Wh a t ' s h a p p e n i n g i s t ha t y o u ' r e o p e n i n g y o u r pel vi s, y o u ' r e pa yi ng a t t e nt i on t o
t he s phi nc t e r s t ha t hol d t he bl a dde r , a nd y o u can tell wh e n t h e y ' r e t i ght . As
y o u r el ax t h e m you feel as i f y o u have t o ur i nat e mo r e of t e n, s o y o u ma y
have t o i nt e r r upt y o u r exer ci s es . Do n ' t wor r y a b o u t i t . An i ncr eas e i n
f l at ul ence i s al so a sign of l oos e ni ng y o u r i nt er nal s t r u c t u r e s . A l ot of t he
c o n t r o l s t h a t we nor mal l y k e e p on o u r bodi es and whi c h ma k e s us a dul t s , a s
o p p o s e d t o chi l dr en, begi n t o let go. Thi s does not me a n t h a t y o u c a n' t get
c o n t r o l of t h e m agai n. I t me r e l y me a n s t ha t y o u ' r e be gi nni ng t o feel t h e m
agai n, j us t as you will begi n t o feel s exual e xpe r i e nc e s mo r e . . . i ns t ead of
t ur ni ng t h e m off.
Onc e y o u begi n t o feel t he s e c ha nge s , you' l l be r eady t o begi n wor k
wi t h a pa r t ne r .
Th e fi rst t hi ng t o deci de i s wh o t o wor k wi t h. I t ma y s ur pr i s e y o u t hat
I suggest not wor ki ng wi t h y o u r ma t e or usual sex p a r t n e r . But y o u s houl d
cons i der t hi s . Th e change c an a d d s o me t h i n g t o t he l ear ni ng pr oces s a n d can
l ead y o u t o avoi d s ome of y o u r set pa t t e r ns a nd bl a mi ng ga me s . Al s o, when
you r e t ur n t o your ma t e for i nt e r c our s e , y o u will have l ess c h a n c e of t r eat i ng
t ha t l ovi ng, car i ng, exci t i ng s i t ua t i on as an exer ci s e. I am not t r yi ng i n a ny way
t o t a k e y o u f r om y o u r nor ma l s exual pa r t ne r . Thi s b o o k i s i n t e n d e d t o a d d t o
y o u r pl eas ur e, not s epar at e you f r om y o u r l oved o n e . But I have f ound t hat
whe n t wo pe opl e ar e us ed t o e a c h ot he r , t he y t e n d t o br i ng ol d pa t t e r ns of
r es pons e i n t o n e w s i t ua t i ons ; t hi s can i nhi bi t t he n e w p a t t e r n s of move me nt
y o u ar e t r yi ng t o de ve l op.
Wh e t h e r y o u wo r k wi t h y o u r ma t e or not , i t i s ver y i mp o r t a n t t hat you
wor k wi t h s o me o n e wi t h wh o m y o u feel q u i t e c o mf o r t a b l e . Unl es s you are a t
ease wi t h y o u r pa r t ne r , unl es s y o u feel a bs ol ut e l y no demand or e x p e c t a t i o n
for he l p, you wi l l n o t be abl e t o l et go i nt o y o u r o wn e x c i t e me n t a n d
e n j o y me n t . You ma y e n d up pl easi ng or pe r f or mi ng or wai t i ng for s o me o n e
else t o pr ove s o me t h i n g for y o u .
I t will not be neces s ar y t o be c o mp l e t e l y n u d e wi t h y o u r pa r t ne r , a n d
you will not have a ny geni t al c o n t a c t dur i ng t h e exer ci s es . Th e i l l us t r at i ons i n
t hi s book ar e dr a wn i n t he n u d e s o t h e b o d y mo v e me n t s can be s h o wn mo r e
cl ear l y. Thes e c ons i de r a t i ons mi ght ma k e i t easi er f or y o u t o wo r k wi t h
s ome one o t h e r t h a n y o u r ma t e .
Do n ' t ove r l ook t he possi bi l i t y of wo r k i n g wi t h s o me o n e of t h e s ame
sex; i t ma y be easi er t o fi nd s o me o n e of y o u r o wn sex wi t h wh o m y o u wo u l d
feel c omf or t a bl e wo r k i n g a n d wh o wo u l d s har e y o u r i nt er es t i n d o i n g t hes e
exer ci ses.
Goi ng a l i t t l e f ur t her i nt o t he q u e s t i o n of c h o o s i n g y o u r pa r t ne r , I
suggest you pay a t t e n t i o n t o y o u r feel i ngs a b o u t t he pe r s on. I s he or she
at t r act i ve t o y o u ? S o me o n e wh o r eal l y r epel s y o u wo n ' t d o . Lo o k for s o me o n e
you feel good be i ng wi t h a nd can a c c e pt j us t as he or she is, wi t h o u t f eel i ng
you want t o c ha nge hi m or t hat he wa n t s t o c ha nge y o u . Al so, ke e p i n mi n d
t he pr obl e m of c ompl i c a t i ons . Do n ' t pi ck s o me o n e wh o will c ompl i c a t e y o u r
l i fe. For i ns t a nc e , a ma r r i e d ma n wh o pi c ks his s ecr et ar y t o wo r k wi t h c oul d
be aski ng for t r o u b l e . What you wa nt i s a wa r m b u t uncharged s i t ua t i on.
Si t uat i ons car r yi ng e mo t i o n a l l oa ds will not he l p y o u f ol l ow t hi s b o o k .
Fi nal l y, be s ur e y o u r per s pect i ve pa r t ne r i s r eal l y as i nt er es t ed i n t he
wor k as y o u ar e a n d i s n o t exer ci s i ng j u s t t o pl ease y o u . By t he wa y , i t can be
a g o o d i dea for t wo c oupl e s t o wo r k t oge t he r , but do not wor k wi t h mo r e
pe opl e t ha n t hi s , or t h e g r o u p e xpe r i e nc e will t a ke over ; you will l ose t he sense
of y o u r own d e v e l o p me n t . The s e exer ci ses ar e f or your a wa r e ne s s t r ai ni ng; t h e y
ar e t o be d o n e s l owl y a n d wi t h a gr eat deal of a wa r e ne s s of wh a t i s h a p p e n i n g
inside you. Keep y o u r exer ci s es a nd y o u r sex life s e pa r a t e , but f r e que nt , a n d
hopef ul l y b o t h will get b e t t e r !
Where To Work
Pi ck a r o o m or a s pace t h a t y o u l i ke . . . wh e n wo r k i n g wi t h a pa r t ne r ,
t h a t you both l i ke. I t s houl d be s o me wh e r e you wi l l not be di s t ur be d, ei t her
by a n i n t r u d e r or by t o o mu c h noi s e. Th e t e mp e r a t u r e i n y o u r s pa c e s houl d be
" b o d y w a r m" s o y o u can sl i p o u t of y o u r c l ot he s wi t h o u t g o o s e b u mp s , a nd s o
y o u c a n mo v e wi t h o u t s we a t i ng.
Le t ' s as s ume you have pi c ke d o u t y o u r space a n d ar e n o w s t a ndi ng i n
i t . Li e d o wn on y o u r ba c k f or a mo me n t . What do y o u he a r ? Mus i c, t raffi c or
c onve r s a t i ons wi l l ke e p y o u f r om cl ear l y he a r i ng yourself. Al s o, e xt e r na l s ounds
l i ke mus i c wi l l i nt er f er e wi t h t h e d e v e l o p me n t of y o u r i nt e r na l r h y t h ms . Tr y
for a t i me of da y i n y o u r s pa c e wh e r e b a c k g r o u n d noi se i s at a mi n i mu m.
Th e f l oor i s usual l y t he bes t pl ace t o wo r k , t h o u g h a b e d wi l l do i f i t
i s a ver y l arge o n e . i f y o u use a b e d , ma k e sur e y o u c a n n o t feel l i ke you' r e
goi ng over t he edge. Pe r ha ps y o u can ma k e a doubl e b e d do for exer ci si ng
a l one . I r eal l y feel t ha t a n y b e d s mal l er t h a n ki ng size will n o t do f or you a nd
y o u r pa r t ne r t oge t he r . I n fact , I pr e di c t y o u will e n d up wo r k i n g on t h e f l oor
a n y wa y . I t al l ows mo r e r o o m for mo v e me n t , a n d mo r e st abi l i t y for t he
g r o u n d i n g exer ci s es . An o t h e r a r g u me n t i n favor of wo r k i n g on t h e f l oor : i t will
he l p t o k e e p t he exer ci ses s e pa r a t e f r om y o u r sex life ( a s s umi ng y o u do t hat
mo s t l y i n b e d ) .
I f t h e f l oor i n y o u r s pa c e i sn' t c a r pe t e d, y o u will wa n t pa ddi ng -
e nough t o ma k e a c omf or t a bl e but fi rm s u p p o r t b e n e a t h you. Ma y b e a sl eepi ng
bag wi l l d o , or a bl a nke t or t wo .
Fo r pe r s ons wo r k i n g o u t d o o r s : on a beaut i f ul , mo d e r a t e da y not hi ng
c oul d be be t t e r ! But have an i n d o o r r e t r e a t avai l abl e for c ol d or r ai ny days s o
y o u r r out i ne wo n ' t suf f er . An d pol i ce t he ar ea for a nt hi l l s a nd beehi ves bef or e
y o u s t ar t !
What a b o u t wa t e r be ds ? No good. Exer ci s i ng on t h e m i s def i ni t el y o u t .
Th e r eas on i s t ha t wh e n y o u pus h d o wn on t he wa t e r b e d , i t pus he s r i ght ba c k
on y o u a n d a mo t i o n of waves i s set up all a r o u n d you. J u s t as wi t h mus i c or
noi s e, t hi s mo t i o n will i nt er f er e wi t h y o u r abi l i t y t o hear your s el f d u r i n g t h e
exer ci s e, a nd all will be l ost . Th e s ame i s t r ue of an ai r ma t t r e s s . Fi nd s ome -
t hi ng sol i d.
Th e i nf or ma t i on y o u ne e d t o i ncr ease y o u r s e xua l pl easur e mus t c o me
f r om inside y o u . Yo u c a n ' t get i t f r om a p a r t n e r ; y o u c a n ' t get i t f r om t hi s
b o o k . Yo u wer e b o r n wi t h i t . Fi n d a wo r k s pace wi t h o u t di s t r act i ons a n d t unc
i n y o u r o wn i nne r mu s i c .
About Time
What ' s a g o o d t i me of da y t o begi n exer ci s i ng? Basi cal l y, a ny t i me t ha t
fits y o u a n d i ncl udes t h e f ol l owi ng c ons i de r a t i ons . Fi r s t , y o u s houl d feel r es t ed
as y o u st ar t t h e exer ci s es . Th a t ma k e s first t hi ng i n t he mo r n i n g or j us t af t er a
nap i deal . The s e exer ci s es ar e des i gned t o l et you ope n up t o your sel f ; r el axi ng
y o u r mus cl es , r egul ar i zi ng y o u r br e a t hi ng a n d l i s t eni ng t o wh a t ' s goi ng on i nsi de
you i s wha t i t ' s all a b o u t . A t i r ed b o d y na t ur a l l y cl oses u p ; t hi s i s t h e b o d y ' s
nor ma l def ense r e a c t i on. Whe n y o u ar e t i r ed a n d y o u r b o d y has begun t o cl ose
but you push on i t t o wo r k , i t will onl y wa n t t o cl ose mo r e . Wor ki ng at s uch
t i mes will be f r us t r at i ng a n d a c c ompl i s h l i t t l e. Th e basi c t h o u g h t for wo r k i n g
al one is: I want to be good to myself. Ge t r e s t e d bef or e y o u begi n.
I sai d ear l i er t h a t y o u wa n t t o wo r k i n a s pace whi ch will br i ng you
mi ni mal ext er nal s t i mul i . Thi s t hought appl i es t o i nt er nal but extraneous s t i mul i
as wel l , such as a l c ohol , t o b a c c o or gr ass. Do not i ndul ge i n s t i mu l a n t s or
depr es s ant s bef or e exer ci s i ng; t he y will j us t t a ke y o u a wa y f r om your s e l f a n d
y o u r ef f or t s wi l l be wa s t e d . Th e best t i me t o do t hi s wo r k i s whe n y o u ar e
cal m a n d clear.
I f y o u have a heavy a p p o i n t me n t t o r us h of f t o i n an h o u r , i t ' s not a
good t i me t o s t ar t exer ci s i ng. Ma ke a ni che of t i me a n d s pace a r o u n d your sel f ,
l uxur i a t e i n i t - t r eat your sel f .
I t ' s bes t t o wo r k c ons i s t e nt l y for several weeks . Fo l l o w y o u r feel i ngs, of
c o u r s e , but al l ow f r om t he st ar t a way t o wo r k at l east onc e a day for t wo
we e k s , t hr e e we e ks , or howe ve r l ong unt i l you feel y o u have it. On c e y o u get
s t a r t e d, you' l l u n d e r s t a n d wh a t " u n t i l y o u feel y o u have i t " me a ns . Real i ze
t ha t ever y pe r s on i s u n i q u e ; each t a ke s hi s o wn r i ght a mo u n t of t i me . Some
pe opl e wi l l need onl y one ser i es of br e a t hi ng exer ci s es a nd t he y' ve got it.
Ot h e r s will be sl ower ge t t i ng t hei r r h y t h m t oge t he r . What y o u will be wor ki ng
for i s ge t t i ng a sense of y o u r o wn na t ur a l r h y t h m. Th a t will t a ke y o u as l ong
as i t t a k e s y o u . I f seven or ei ght s es s i ons l eaves you unc e r t a i n whe r e you ar c,
c o mp a r e n o t e s wi t h y o u r f ut ur e p a r t n e r ( t he per s on y o u will be wo r k i n g wi t h
on t he t oge t he r exer ci s es , wh o i s n o w al s o wo r k i n g al one. ) Th e mo r e r el axed
y o u ar e a n d t he mor e f r equent l y you pr a c t i c e , t he s oone r y o u s houl d be r eady
for wo r k i n g wi t h a pa r t ne r .
Al l t h e exer ci s es y o u will be doi ng go i n a s e que nc e , wo r k i n g a l one or
wi t h a pa r t ne r . We a l wa ys s t ar t at t he he a d, go t o t he e ye s , d o wn t o t he j a w
a n d t h e mo u t h , t h e n we go t o t h e neck, t he u p p e r c he s t . . . t hen
s y n c h r o n i z i n g t he br e a t hi ng ( c he s t - a bdomi na l br e a t hi ng) , t h e n t o t he pel vi s, t hen
br i ngi ng t he ener gy d o wn i n t o t h e l egs a nd gr oundi ng i t , l e t t i ng y o u get t he
feel of ener gy i n y o u r f eet . . . t h e n ba c k up t o wo r k wi t h t he s ync hr oni z i ng
of al l t hes e mo v e me n t s t oge t he r .
Where Your Head Is
As you begi n wo r k i n g a l one , k e e p t he s e t hi ngs i n mi n d : Th e r e i s r eal l y
n o t h i n g t o a c c o mp l i s h ; t he r e i s no goal . Th i s wo r k i s a l ot easi er t h a n i t s e e ms .
Don' t pus h your s el f ; y o u c a n ' t get i n t o u c h by pus hi ng. Pus hi ng i s af t er all
h o w y o u have p r o b a b l y gone a b o u t sex all t he s e year s . Re l a x. Al l y o u c a n do
i s get i n t o u c h wi t h t h e f eel i ngs a n d r h y t h m y o u we r e b o r n wi t h. Thi s i s gent l e
wo r k . Be ki nd t o your sel f .
Thi s i s a pl ay e xpe r i e nc e for y o u . Yo u ha ve n o t h i n g t o l ose or
a c c ompl i s h. No one can see y o u ; t hi s i s a s ecr et for y o u a l o n e . What ever y o u
do i n y o u r s pace wo r k i n g on t hes e exer ci s es i s for y o u r pl eas ur e. Enj oy
your sel f .
Where My Head Is
Fr e q u e n t l y , i n de s c r i bi ng t h e exer ci s es , I f ound mys e l f sayi ng " h e or she
t hi s " or " ha ve hi m or her do t h a t " or o t h e r wi s e us i ng t h e mas cul i ne a n d t h e
f emi ni ne p r o n o u n f or ms . I t b e c a me i mpos s i bl y c l ums y t o ke e p r e pe a t i ng b o t h
p r o n o u n f or ms , o n e af t er t he ot he r , a l t e r na t i ng whi c h c a me fi rst . On t h e o t h e r
ha nd, si nce t he b o o k i s n o t excl usi vel y for e i t he r sex a l one , I felt I c o u l d n ' t
use j us t she or j u s t he a l o n e .
Th e s ol ut i on I c hos e i s t o mos t l y use he i n t he book whe n I me a n
whi chever gender f i t s y o u r s i t ua t i on, i f y o u , t h e r e a de r , ar e wo r k i n g wi t h a
wo ma n , i n y o u r mi n d s u b s t i t u t e she e ve r ywhe r e I say he, e t c . An d be a r wi t h
me .
We ne e d a n e w p r o n o u n f or m i n t he l anguage, b u t t h a t ' s an u n d e r t a k i n g
t o o bi g f or me !
Breathing and Movement
Br eat hi ng i s t h e mos t basi c f unct i on of y o u r b o d y . Wi t hout i t al l o t h e r
s ys t ems of t he b o d y fail. I t i s t he fi rst i nt e r na l s el f - s uppor t i ng act i vi t y y o u r
body pe r f or ms wh e n y o u e n t e r t he wor l d. Howe ve r , y o u pr oba bl y t a ke t hi s
i mp o r t a n t act i vi t y ent i r el y for gr a nt e d. This book assumes you have never
thought about breathing and sex together, a n d have never r eal i zed t he c e nt r a l
rol e t he br eat h pl ays i n y o u r sex life.
To a cer t ai n e x t e n t y o u easi l y ha ve c o n t r o l of y o u r b r e a t h . Th e
r el at i ons hi p b e t we e n i t a nd o t h e r f unc t i ons a n d act i vi t i es of y o u r b o d y i s qui t e
c ompl e x. I want t o t al k he r e onl y a b o u t br e a t hi ng, mo v e me n t a n d e mo t i o n ,
a nd wh a t t h e y have t o do wi t h s ex.
Br eat hi ng is di r e c t l y r el at ed to e mo t i o n . Any emotional response you
have will immediately change your breathing pattern. Conve r s e l y, by c ons c i ous l y
changi ng your br e a t hi ng, y o u can al t er y o u r e mo t i o n s a nd f eel i ngs. Ma ny
r el axat i on t e c hni que s ( a nd yoga exer ci ses) ar e bas ed on t hi s pr i nci pl e.
Ex c i t e me n t , t h e o p p o s i t e of r e l a xa t i on, i s al s o achi eved by al t er i ng t h e
br e a t hi ng pa t t e r n. Thi s i s wh a t my exer ci s es ar e de s i gne d t o d o . On e r es ul t of
doi ng t h e exer ci s es i s t ha t you will have mo r e e ne r gy or " c h a r g e " avai l abl e t o
you dur i ng i nt e r c our s e . Thi s i ncr eas ed char ge wi l l r es ul t i n a mo r e i nt e ns e
or gas m.
Body mo v e me n t s ar c al s o cl osel y associ at ed wi t h e mo t i o n s . It i s possible
to alter your feelings by changing the way you move. Fo r e x a mp l e , if you
d a n c e , y o u ma y begi n t o feel h a p p y . When y o u feel depr es s ed a n d d o wn , your
s houl de r s sl ope a nd s l ouc h. I t i s a l mos t i mpos s i bl e t o be de pr e s s e d a nd s t and
wi t h y o u r s houl de r s ba c k a n d y o u r ches t out .
So b o t h mo v e me n t a n d b r e a t h i n g ar e di r ect l y r e l a t e d t o e mo t i o n s . Tha t
i s, the way you breathe and the way you move both affect the way you feel,
and vice versa. Thi s pr i nci pl e will obvi ous l y appl y t o y o u r s exual feel i ngs and
h o w y o u e xpr e s s t h e m. When you s t udy t he me c ha ni c s of a n or ga s m, you see
t h a t proper breathing and movement wi l l l ead you t o an e mo t i o n a l hi gh and
set up t he c o n d i t i o n s neces s ar y t o t r i gger y o u r or gas t i c r ef l ex. Th e exer ci ses i n
t hi s b o o k will gui de y o u i nt o t hi s pr ope r br e a t hi ng a n d mo v e me n t , whi ch you
wi l l e xpe r i e nc e as an u n d u l a t i n g wave t ha t f l ows up a nd d o wn your body.
T h e y will i ncr eas e your e x c i t e me n t , s pr e a di ng i t over y o u r e nt i r e t or s o, ar ms
a n d l egs. Wor ki ng wi t h a n o t h e r pe r s on, you wi l l l ear n h o w t o ma i nt a i n t hi s
r h y t h m a n d char ge i n t hei r pr e s e nc e .
On e a s s ume s t ha t Na t ur a l Ma n or Wo ma n , c o mp l e t e l y r el axed a nd
c e n t e r e d a l wa ys i n t he pr e s e nt ( an e nt i t y I' ve ye t t o me e t ) , wo u l d have no
ener gy bl oc ks a n d no t r oubl e bui l di ng hi s or her char ge t o a t ot a l or gas m. One
f ur t he r a s s ume s t ha t you or I will have t o l ear n h o w t o pay a t t e n t i o n t o wher e
we bl oc k ener gy i n our bodi es , whe r e we hol d on e mo t i o n a l l y , whe r e we st ore
t e ns i on, a n d wha t pa t t e r ns we have de ve l ope d i n b o t h b r e a t h i n g a nd move me nt
whi c h di s r upt a nd f r us t r at e o u r na t ur a l r es pons es , pr e ve nt i ng us f r om r eachi ng
our or gas t i c pot e nt i a l .
I n t hi s b o o k I use t h e t e r m excitement t o cover t h e he i ght e ne d ener gy
mobi l i z a t i on t ha t oc c ur s i n y o u r b o d y whe n t he r e ' s a s t r ong c onc e r n or a
s t r ong " c o n t a c t , " a n aggressi ve f eel i ng, a nt i c i pa t i on, j o y , e t c . Wi t h gr owi ng
e x c i t e me n t t he r e ' s always an i ncr eas e of t he me t a bol i c pr oc e s s ( oxi di zi ng s t or ed
n u t r i e n t s in t he b o d y ) so you need more air.
Si nce b r e a t h i n g i s t h e mos t sensi t i ve me a s ur e of any e mo t i o n a l
e xpe r i e nc e , i t i s i mp o r t a n t t h a t you r e s p o n d t o y o u r i ncr eas ed e x c i t e me n t b y
i ncr easi ng t he r at e a n d a mp l i t u d e of y o u r br e a t hi ng. Bu t i ns t ead, ma n y peopl e
a t t e mp t t o control t hei r e x c i t e me n t , t he r e by i nt er f er r i ng wi t h t hei r br e a t hi ng,
by ke e pi ng t he ms e l ve s " c a l m, cool a n d c o l l e c t e d . " T h e r e a s on pe opl e t e n d t o
hol d t hei r br eat h is t h a t breathing deeply and fully amplifies their feelings, a n d
t hese feel i ngs, whi c h ar e of t e n u n c o mf o r t a b l e , ar e b r o u g h t f or ci bl y t o t hei r
a t t e nt i on. Unf o r t u n a t e l y , r es t r i ct i ng t he br eat h t o r epr es s uncomfortable f eel i ngs
l eads t o t h e r es t r i ct i on of pleasurable feel i ngs as wel l .
Th e subj ect i ve e xpe r i e nc e of a br e a t hi ng di f f i cul t y caus ed by a pe r s on' s
a t t e mp t t o c ont r ol hi s or her e x c i t e me n t i s one de s c r i pt i on of anxiety. I t i s t h e
e xpe r i e nc e of wa nt i ng t o get ai r i n t o l ungs whi c h ar e i mmobi l i z e d by mus c ul a r
cons t r i ct i ons of t he ches t a n d d i a p h r a g m. Th e wo r d " a n x i e t y " c o me s f r om
angusta — n a r r o w n e s s — w h i c h d e s c r i b e s t he c ondi t i on of t he
i nvol unt ar i l y- cons t r i ct ed ches t .
I t i s a p p a r e n t , t hr ough obs e r va t i on of o t h e r me mb e r s of t he ani mal
ki ngdom, t ha t a ny or ga ni s m whi ch i s s udde nl y f r i ght ened will hal t i t s
mo v e me n t s a nd i t s br e a t hi ng, a nd freeze. Th i n k of t h e s t ar t l ed r ef l ex of a
r abbi t or deer t ha t has be e n s ur pr i s ed a l ong a r oa d. We h u ma n s al so use t hi s
pr i mi t i ve l i f e- pr eser vi ng i ns t i nct whe ne ve r o u r s u d d e n , full a t t e n t i o n i s n e e d e d .
At such t i me s t h e ver y s o u n d s a n d mus cul ar mo v e me n t s t ha t go wi t h br e a t hi ng
are a s our ce of di s t r a c t i on, s o we t r y t o get ri d of t h e m, e i t he r by b r e a t h i n g
shal l owl y or by hol di ng our br e a t h. One ma y e x t e n d t hi s emergency be ha vi or
i ndef i ni t el y - or shi ft i t t o c ont r ol o t h e r f or ms of e x c i t e me n t , for e x a mp l e ,
sexual e x c i t e me n t .
Whenever you try to "control" yourself, you automatically restrict your
body movement. Yo u hol d your s e l f r i gi d i n o r d e r t o pr event even mi n u t e
mo v e me n t s , a n d t hi s r i gi di t y pr e ve nt s y o u f r om f eel i ng y o u r feel i ngs as wel l ,
becaus e movement is feeling.
Ear l i er I s ugges t ed y o u t r y an exer ci s e f or r o t a t i n g y o u r pel vi s i n a
ci r cul ar mo t i o n . When mo s t pe opl e do t hi s mo v e me n t t he y hol d t hei r b r e a t h .
Dur i ng sexual e x c i t e me n t t he br e a t h i s af f ect ed t he s a me wa y ; i t f r equent l y
get s s hut d o wn j us t wh e n mo r e air i s ne e de d.
Mo v e me n t i s a na t ur a l pa r t of be i ng al i ve. Th e mo r e al i ve y o u a r e , t he
mo r e s p o n t a n e o u s y o u r mo v e me n t s , a n d y o u r b o d y can nat ur al l y expr es s your
feel i ngs. I n t he abs ence of mo v e me n t t he r e i s no f eel i ng. Yo u l ose y o u r abi l i t y
t o feel i n a l i mb whi ch i s i mmo b i l i z e d , a n d y o u mu s t mo v e i t agai n t o regai n
t he feel i ng. Si nce t he d e p t h of y o u r br e a t hi ng af f ect s t h e i nt ens i t y of your
f eel i ng, s uppr e s s e d feel i ng can be r evi ved t hr ough br e a t hi ng. De a t h i s no
mo v e me n t , no br e a t hi ng, no f eel i ng. To be wholly alive is to breathe deeply,
feel deeply and move freely.
I t i s possi bl e t o c o mp l e t e an a c t i on - wal ki ng a c r os s t h e f l oor , for i nst ance
— wi t h l i t t l e or no ef f or t , s mo o t h l y , a l mos t l i ke gl i di ng. A t r a i ne d da nc e r or a
Ze n mo n k of t e n gives t hi s a p p e a r a n c e ; each mo v e me n t i s c o o r d i n a t e d a nd no
mo t i o n i s wa s t e d. Th e r e i s a j o y i n obs er vi ng t hi s ki nd of mo v e me n t — and an
i nne r j o y i n be i ng abl e t o mo v e t h a t wa y. I t i s al so possi bl e t o cr oss t he same
s pace a n d , by us i ng a l ot of unne c e s s a r y mus cl es a n d e xpr e s s i ng gr eat effort ,
ma k e t h e j o u r n e y ver y di f f i cul t . Whe n y o u obs er ve t hi s t ype of mo v e me n t i n
s o me o n e , y o u no d o u b t feel t he i r s t r ai n.
I n ma k i n g l ove t he r e can be a s mo o t h a n d f l owi ng mo v e me n t r eachi ng a
c r e s c e n d o of e x c i t e me n t , t h e n gr adual l y decr eas i ng t o st i l l ness a n d compl et e
s at i s f act i on. Or , you can h o l d on f r om t he very begi nni ng, not onl y by failing
t o b r e a t h e p r o p e r l y , b u t al so wi t h e xa gge r a t e d facial e xpr e s s i ons , t e ns i ons i n the
ba c k a n d ne c k, hangi ng on t o y o u r pa r t ne r or t he b e d wi t h ha nds , legs and
f eet , or o n t o your s e l f i n t h e a b d o me n , b u t t o c k s or a nus . Thi s exces s effort
i nt e r f e r e s wi t h t ot al or gas t i c r el ease. Si mpl y put , any restriction of your
breathing or your movements during love-making will rob you of sexual
Th e t ype of b r e a t h i n g t h a t I wa nt t o e nc our a ge y o u t o t r y i n t he s e
exer ci ses i s cal l ed diaphragmatic breathing. Wi t h t hi s t y p e of br e a t hi ng y o u get
a ma x i mu m a mo u n t of ai r wi t h a mi n i mu m a mo u n t of ef f or t , us i ng b o t h y o u r
chest a nd y o u r a b d o me n . Th e di a phr a gm i s pul l ed d o wn , t h e ches t i s e x p a n d e d
a nd t he bel l y i s p u s h e d o u t , put t i ng t he gr eat est possi bl e vol ume of air i nt o t he
l ungs.
For s ome pe opl e t h e pr obl e m i s n o t a l ack of ai r i nt a ke , but a f ai l ur e
t o al l ow all t he air t o be e xha l e d agai n, or t o al l ow t h e ches t t o r el ax e n o u g h
s o t hat t he air can be c o mp l e t e l y expel l ed. Br e a t hi ng o u t i s ver y mu c h l i ke
" l et t i ng g o . " I t i s a passi ve pr oc e dur e allowed by r el easi ng t h e mus cl es i n t h e
chest a n d a b d o me n , i f t h a t mus c ul a t ur e i s not r el eas ed f ul l y, b u t i s he l d i n
t ens i on, s o me air i s r e t a i n e d i n t h e l ungs a n d s u b s e q u e n t i nhal at i on i s r e s t r i c t e d.
Br eat hi ng i s n o t j us t i nhal i ng, i t i s a full cycl e of i nhal i ng and exhal i ng.
Each per s on has hi s or her o wn char act er i s t i c wa y of br e a t hi ng a nd
hol di ng t he br e a t h. On e wa y of br e a t hi ng i s i n une ve n s pur t s ? as i f b u mp i n g
down a st ai r case, or a l ong a r ough r oa d. Thi s t y p e of br e a t hi ng i s i ni t i at ed i n
t he ego a nd r e qui r e s a de l i be r a t e ef f or t t o ma i n t a i n . As one b e c o me mo r e
r el axed a nd " o u t of mi n d , " hi s br e a t hi ng s mo o t h e s o u t .
In proper development, t h e br eat h f ol l ows a def i ni t e s mo o t h r h y t h m,
unl ess ha mpe r e d by t he pos i t i on of t he b o d y . Th a t is, you always breathe
deeply and fully in spite of any work effort you expend.
I n a he a l t hy b o d y , r h y t h mi c a l pel vi c mo v e me n t i s an i nt egr al par t of
br eat hi ng. The r e f or e , y o u wi l l fi nd t ha t my exer ci s es e mpha s i z e he l pi ng y o u
l earn h o w t o c o or di na t e y o u r pel vi c mo v e me n t a n d y o u r br e a t hi ng t oge t he r .
Th e r h y t h m of sex r e qui r e s an exhalation with every forward swing of the
pelvis. I f you i nhal e dur i ng f or wa r d mo v e me n t , y o u r di a phr a gm c o n t r a c t s a n d
pr event s t he " l e t t i ng g o " i n t h e a b d o me n neces s ar y for or gas t i c r el ease. Fu r t h e r ,
i f you hol d y o u r pel vi s r i gi dl y, pr ope r b r e a t h i n g c a n ' t t a ke pl ace, becaus e t he
pel vi s par t i ci pat es i n ever y br e a t h cycl e. In t h e exer ci s es for pelvic rocking, y o u
will pr act i ce t hi s pr i nci pl e.
To c he c k o u t y o u r o wn br e a t hi ng pa t t e r n, y o u mu s t fi rst fi gure out
h o w you s t op your s e l f f r om ma ki ng a c o mp l e t e or full e x h a l a t i o n ; t ha t is, h o w
you use mus cl e c ont r a c t i ons t o i nhi bi t a full e xha l a t i on. In t he exer ci s es , I call
t hi s training the breathing pattern. Th e wor k is s l ow, a n d a gr eat deal of
c o n c e n t r a t i o n i s r equi r ed t o pay a t t e nt i on t o h o w y o u ' r e movi ng a nd how
y o u ' r e br e a t hi ng. You will fi nd t ha t you pr ogr ess i n s t eps or l evel s; you' l l
per i odi cal l y r each a pl a t e a u whe r e n o t h i n g s eems t o be h a p p e n i n g , whe n all of
a s u d d e n y o u will br eak t hr ough a nd move on f r om t he r e . Your problem will
lie in trying to go too fast, a n d in goi ng b e y o n d y o u r b o d y ' s level of t ol er ance
for t h e i ncr eased o x y g e n a t i o n a n d i ncr eas ed feel i ngs t ha t c o me wi t h " l et t i ng
g o " a n d wi t h deeper br e a t hi ng. Th e r e f o r e , whi l e at first i t ma y s eem as i f little
i s h a p p e n i n g t o you, y o u have t o al l ow t i me for y o u r b o d y t o ove r c ome its
ol d pa t t e r ns .
As you wo r k t h r o u g h t he exer ci s es , y o u ma y fi nd t h a t each ne w one
br i ngs a new fl ood of e mo t i o n s , whi ch i nt e r r upt s y o u r newl y est abl i shed
s mo o t h - b r e a t h i n g a n d movi ng p a t t e r n . This is what you should look for and
pay attention to. What i s h a p p e n i n g i s t ha t y o u r b o d y i s " l e t t i ng g o " of an ol d
pa t t e r n of t ens i on. Th e e mo t i o n y o u feel i s ener gy r el eased as t he pat t er n i s
b r o k e n . You will wa nt t o s t ay wi t h t he e mo t i o n unt i l i t s ubs i des , t o al l ow i t
t o be e xpr e s s e d ful l y. When a n e w e mo t i o n c o me s u p , s t o p , go back t o a place
i n t h e exer ci s e s e que nc e t ha t feel s c omf or t a bl e a n d move t h r o u g h t h e s equence
agai n f r om t hi s saf e, c o mf o r t a b l e pl ace, wa t c hi ng your b r e a t h i n g p a t t e r n cl osel y.
Re me mb e r , your br e a t hi ng i s y o u r " f eel i ng t h e r mo me t e r , " s o pay cl ose
a t t e n t i o n t o i t .
As y o u s t ar t b r e a t h i n g d e e p l y , you' l l pr oba bl y not i c e s ome new body
s ens at i ons . I nvar i abl y y o u will de ve l op t i ngl i ng s e ns a t i ons i n var i ous par t s of
y o u r b o d y , usual l y s t ar t i ng i n t he ha nds , feet a n d face ( par t i cul ar l y a r ound t he
mo u t h ) a n d ver y of t en e x t e n d i n g over t he whol e b o d y . The s e t i ngl i ng
s ens at i ons , i f e nc our a ge d by exces s i ve br e a t hi ng, can b e c o me i nt ens e, a nd
feel i ngs of n u mb n e s s can oc c ur . Such s ens at i ons ar e k n o wn as " p a r e s t h e s i a " i n
me d i c i n e a n d ar c s o me t i me s seen a s s y mp t o ms o f hype r ve nt i l a t i on.
Hyper vent i l at i on oc c ur s wh e n t o o mu c h c a r b o n di oxi de i s di s char ged f r om t h e
bl ood, due t o a r a pi dl y i ncr eas ed br e a t hi ng r a t e . I n our wo r k t he r e ' s mo r e
chance t ha t y o u r b o d y will get ove r c ha r ge d wi t h o x y g e n whi ch i t i s u n a b l e t o
ut i l i ze, a n d for t hi s r e a s on y o u ma y e xpe r i e nc e s ome di zzi ness or n u mb n e s s t o
whi ch y o u ar e n o t a c c u s t o me d .
Whe t he r t hi s p h e n o me n o n i s hype r ve nt i l a t i on or ove r - oxyge na t i on i s
i r r el evant . I t i s i mp o r t a n t t h a t exces s b r e a t h i n g be a voi de d. The s e exer ci s es
r equi r e onl y mi ni ma l a mo u n t s of o x y g e n a t i o n ; only the slightest amount of
sensation or tingling is necessary to begi n a n d ma i nt a i n t he a c t i va t i on of
s i mul at ed sexual f eel i ngs - a ny st ress on t h e b o d y t h r o u g h br e a t hi ng s houl d
onl y be done wi t h a c o mp e t e n t t he r a pi s t pr e s e nt wh o i s fami l i ar wi t h t hi s t ype
of wor k.
Peopl e wh o ar e act i vel y wo r k i n g or exer ci s i ng r egul ar l y ar e not as l i kel y
t o devel op t hese s y mp t o ms . I f you d o , you will f i nd t ha t t h e s e ns a t i ons ,
emer gi ng dur i ng t he exer ci s es , will usual l y di s a ppe a r as s oon as y o u r b r e a t h i n g
is r el axed a n d s l ows d o wn . This phenomenon is completely under your control.
Do n ' t push your sel f ; t he r e i s no hur r y. Yo u ar e be t t e r of f i f y o u l ear n t o
t ol er at e t he s e ns a t i on t ha n i f you pus h your s e l f a n d cr eat e an e mo t i o n a l
r esi st ance (i . e. y o u b e c o me af r ai d) t ha t will be di f f i cul t t o ove r c ome l at er .
As you begi n t o de ve l op t he c a pa c i t y t o t ol e r a t e hi gher l evel s of
exci t at i on a nd o x y g e n a t i o n t hr ough pr ope r br e a t hi ng, t he di zzi nes s a n d t he
t i ngl i ng will t end t o di mi ni s h a n d di s a ppe a r , l eavi ng onl y a " c h a r g e " of e ne r gy.
Thes e feel i ngs of e xc i t a t i on ar e ver y si mi l ar t o t h e feel i ngs of e x c i t e me n t t ha t
go al ong wi t h an or ga s m. Th u s y o u will be al l owi ng your s el f t o t ol e r a t e mo r e
e xc i t e me nt - wi t h o u t s h u t t i n g i t of f - by c o n c e n t r a t i n g on your br e a t hi ng.
The final s t e p i n t h e exer ci s es i s t o al l ow y o u r newl y r el eas ed ener gy or
charge t o be f oc us e d i nt o y o u r or gast i c e x p e r i e n c e . Thi s r equi r es uni f yi ng t h e
body' s feel i ngs. Whe n y o u ar e c a ught up i n s exual e x c i t e me n t , i t i s pos s i bl e t o
di s s i pat e or was t e y o u r e ne r gy. My exer ci s es on g r o u n d i n g pr event t hi s energy
l oss by f ocus i ng y o u r e x c i t e me n t i n y o u r f eet a n d l egs, a n d t hei r r el at i on t o
t he e a r t h or s ome t hi ng s ol i d. I t i s as t hough t he ener gy t r avel s d o wn your
b o d y , r e a c he s t he gr o u n d , i s c a p t u r e d or col l ect ed, t h e n b o u n c e s up your legs
agai n, ma k i n g i t sel f avai l abl e for y o u r or ga s m.
I f y o u ar e pat i ent wi t h t hes e exer ci s es , t he y can ope n y o u r body t o
y o u r ener gy f l ow, a n d he l p y o u d e v e l o p a hi gher l evel of e xc i t a t i on, whi ch will
r es ul t i n i ncr eas ed b o d y pl e a s ur e a n d mo r e life f or y o u . I t will be wo r t h your
ef f or t s !
Per haps no e x p e r i e n c e k n o wn t o ma n can c o me cl oser t o a pe a k
e xpe r i e nc e , t o a u n i o n wi t h t he uni ver sal or c os mi c cons ci ous nes s , t h a n t h e
or gas m. I t i s t h e pe a k of e x c i t e me n t a n d i t s c u l mi n a t i o n , one of o u r mo s t
pl easant , sat i sf yi ng, s o me t i me s awe- i ns pi r i ng, a n d y e t transitory n a t u r a l gi f t s.
Agai n a nd agai n we st r i ve t o wa r d or gas m. F o r s o me , i t i s t h e u l t i ma t e
exper i ence; for o t h e r s i t s va l ue i s s o me wh a t l ess. S o me peopl e e x p e r i e n c e
or gas ms as sky r o c k e t s e x p l o d i n g , o t h e r s as a s mal l ma t c h lit t o wa r d of f t h e
dar knes s of a di s mal e xi s t e nc e . An d t he r e ar e ma n y pe opl e wh o s eem una bl e t o
exper i ence an or ga s m at al l .
I f y o u r e xpe r i e nc e s a r e n' t i n t he f i r s t c a t e g o r y , t he r e i s no n e e d t o
accept t hi s s t at e as " t h e wa y y o u a r e . " Yo u r or gas m can be i mpr ove d t h r o u g h
t hese exer ci ses. Th e r e ar e ma n y (i n f act s o me t i me s i t s e e ms t o o ma n y ) t hi ngs
t ha t c a nnot be c h a n g e d for t h e be t t e r t ha t we ha ve t o l ear n t o live wi t h , s o i f
t her e i s s ome t hi ng t h a t y o u can c ha nge , t h e n f or he a ve n' s s a ke , c ha nge i t !
( Bet t er yet , do i t f or y o u r own sake. )
But wha t i s an or ga s m? Wha t am I t a l ki ng a b o u t ? Th e r e i s no s t a n d a r d
or gas m; each d e p e n d s on t h e i ndi vi dual ' s c a pa c i t y for pl eas ur e a n d e x c i t e me n t ,
Cer t ai nl y a c o mp a r a t i v e s t u d y i s r i di cul ous . Or ga s m i s a s ubj ect i ve e x p e r i e n c e
t hat i s i mpos s i bl e t o me a s u r e a n d pi ge onhol e .
What I c oul d do i s de s c r i be an or gas m f r om a n u mb e r of di f f er ent
vi e wpoi nt s . We c oul d first t al k a b o u t t he phys i ol ogy of an or gas m - wha t t akes
pl ace on an a na t omi c a l , phys i ol ogi cal level, i f I we r e t o do t hi s I woul d
des cr i be a c ompl i c a t e d set of a na t omi c a l r e s pons e s t ha t have l ong been a favori t e
s ubj ect of l i t er ar y f i ct i on a n d f ant as y ( and s ome sci ent i f i c f ant as y as wel l ! ) . To
avoi d t he mass of mi s - i nf or ma t i on avai l abl e, 1 r ef er y o u for s o u n d sci ent i fi c
i nf or ma t i on t o t he s t udi e s i n t hi s fi el d pi one e r e d by Mas t er s and J o h n s o n i n
t hei r mo n u me n t a l c o n t r i b u t i o n Human Sexual Response. Howe ve r , I per sonal l y
have a l wa ys f ound t hi s t y p e of r e a di ng s o me wh a t dul l .
What I pr ef er t o di scuss her e i s t he process of an or gas m, how i t
h a p p e n s , a nd wh a t st ages l ead up t o i t . Wi t h t hi s knowl e dge you can al t er the
qual i t y of y o u r or gas ms . Wi l hel m Rei ch pr e s e nt s an or ga s m t he or y whi ch I have
i nt e r pr e t e d i n t he f ol l owi ng di a gr a m.
Phase I i nc l ude s a ny f or m of e xc i t a t i on, be i t l ooki ng, t al ki ng,
t hi nki ng . . . a n y t h i n g t ha t bui l ds e x c i t e me n t i s a f or m of f or epl ay. Th e par t of
t he cur ve l abel ed foreplay i s whe n act ual t ouc hi ng, ki ssi ng, e t c . begi ns . T h e n as
e xc i t e me nt bui l ds t he r e i s a s udde n i ncr eas e of ener gy t ha t s t ar t s t he cur ve up
t owar ds a n or ga s m. Thi s ma y or ma y not be t h e poi nt of p e n e t r a t i o n , b u t i n
any case i t i s t h a t poi nt whe r e t he possi bi l i t y of bui l di ng t o an or gas m i s mo r e
l i kel y. Th u s t he r e begi ns t he bui l di ng a n d s t or age of ener gy ( e x c i t e me n t ) . Thi s
i s t he char ge s t age. Fr o m t he begi nni ng, y o u r mo v e me n t s have been di r e c t e d
from t he he a d ( unde r c ont r ol of t h e e go) . The s e mo v e me n t s can be s l ow, gent l e
a nd r el axed, a n d t he y c a n be i n t e r r u p t e d t o al l ow for all ki nds of pl eas ur abl e
t hi ngs t o t ake pl ace, such as pos i t i oni ng, pe r i ods of r est , a ny s or t of t hi ng t ha t
feels r i ght . I f t he r e i s an i nt e r r upt i on, i t us ual l y doe s n' t i nt er f er e wi t h t he
cour se of e xc i t a t i on.
Th e or ga s m c a n be di vi ded i n t o f our si gni f i cant par t s , a l t h o u g h , i n
r e a l i t y, t he y all f l ow t oge t he r . Th e f our pa r t s ar e ma r k e d by Ro ma n nume r a l s
on t he di agr am a nd ar e di vi ded i n t he f ol l owi ng ma n n e r : 1. excitation. II.
cont i nuat i on of t h e e xc i t a t i on, whi ch i s al so t he bui l dup of a charge ( s ome
peopl e use t h e t e r m pl a t e a u he r e ) . I I I . release a n d di s char ge of t he b u i l d u p ( t he
orgast i c r ef l ex) . I V. resolution ( r ecover y pha s e ) .
No w a t p o i n t " 1 " t h e l oss o f t hi s ego c ont r ol be gi ns . At " 2 , " t he poi nt
of no r e t ur n, t h e t e mp o of y o u r s exual mo v e me n t i ncr eas es , a s do your
c ompul s i ve b o d y mo v e me n t s . At t hi s poi nt , vol unt a r y c ont r ol of t h e cour se
of e x c i t a t i o n i s no l onger pos s i bl e. Body e xc i t a t i on b e c o me s mor e and
mo r e c o n c e n t r a t e d i n t h e geni t al s , a n d a ki nd of me l t i ng s ens at i on set s in. Thi s
e xc i t a t i on s t a r t s t he fi rst i nvol unt a r y c ont r a c t i ons of t h e t ot a l mus c ul a t ur e of
t h e geni t al s a n d t he pel vi c f l oor . The s e c ont r a c t i ons o c c u r i n waves , a nd t he
cr es t of t he waves oc c ur wi t h c o mp l e t e f or wa r d mo v e me n t of t he pelvis at
e x h a l a t i o n . I n t he wo ma n , t he r e oc c ur s a c o n t r a c t i o n of t he s moot h
mu s c u l a t u r e of t he vagi na; t h e mo r e i nt ens e t he or ga s m, t h e mo r e not i ceabl e
ar e t he c ont r a c t i ons . I n t he ma n , t hese ar e t h e c o n t r a c t i o n s whi ch start
e j a c ul a t i on. Wi t h each t hr us t t h e pel vi s i s pul l e d f or wa r d a nd u p wa r d . All the
f l exor s ( mus cl es ) of t he a b d o me n c o n t r a c t powe r f ul l y; at t he s ame t i me the
sacr al ( l ow ba c k) r egi on i s c o mp l e t e l y r el axed. So me pe opl e fail t o l et go i n
t he i r l owe r back r egi on d u r i n g i nt e r c our s e a n d t he y e xpe r i e nc e backaches
a f t e r wa r d. I n es s ence t he y have b e e n wo r k i n g agai nst t hems el ves . Lo w backaches
have be e n a t t r i b u t e d t o " t o o mu c h sex a c t i vi t y, " wh e n i n a c t ua l i t y i t i s not
t o o mu c h sex b u t mer el y t o o mu c h holding on t h a t i s t he c a us e .
F r o m t he poi nt of no r e t u r n " 2 " unt i l t he ces s at i on o f i nvol unt ar y
mo v e me n t s " 4 " t he r e i s a pe r i od of he i ght e ne d pl eas ur e r ef er r ed t o as the
or gas t i c pe a k. At " 4 " t h e e xc i t a t i on begi ns t o s ubs i de a n d awar enes s and
c ont r ol s t a r t t o c o me ba c k i n t o t he b o d y . I nvol unt a r y mo v e me n t persists
for a whi l e t o " 5 , " a n d t h e n r e l a xa t i on t a ke s over . Phas e I V. i s t h e r ecover y or
r e s ol ut i on pe r i od, a t i me wh e n f ur t he r s t i mul a t i on t o or ga s m i s not possi bl e.
Fo r wo me n t hi s can be a pe r i od of t i me r angi ng f r om a ma t t e r of s econds t o
an h o u r or mo r e ; for me n t h e r e c ove r y t i me i s l onger . Us ual l y a ma n mus t wait
f or f r om 5 mi n u t e s t o an h o u r or mor e bef or e hi s or ga s mi c cycl e can be
r e p e a t e d .
Thi s di agr am cl osel y t ypi f i es t he mal e s exual r e s pons e , b u t for women
t he r e i s a possi bl e wi der var i at i on i n r e s pons e . He r e , i n mo r e det ai l , ar e some
t ypi cal f emal e pa t t e r ns , as t a k e n f r om Mas t er s a nd J o h n s o n .
1. A t ypi c a l ri se i n e x c i t e me n t unt i l pl at eau, t he n or gas t i c
r el ease. I f t h e e x c i t e me n t i s hi gh e n o u g h a n d s us t a i ne d, t he pl a t e a u or
char ge s t a t e i s n o t di mi ni s he d a nd a l i t t l e s t i mul a t i on ( t hi s can be i nner
e x c i t e me n t al so) wi l l al l ow a mul t i pl e e xpe r i e nc e of or gas m. ( Bui l di ng
t hi s e x c i t e me n t f r om t he i nsi de i s wh a t my exer ci s es are all a b o u t . )
2. I n t hi s t y p e cycl e ( e xpe r i e nc e d al l t o o f r e que nt l y) t he wo ma n
arri ves at t he pl at eau phas e ye t i s una bl e t o achi eve an or gas m. Whe n
t hi s h a p p e n s t he r e i s us ual l y a l onger pe r i od of r e s ol ut i on, l eavi ng mos t
wo me n qui t e f r us t r a t e d.
3. So me wo me n qui ckl y pass t h r o u g h t he e x c i t e me n t pe r i od a n d
t he pl at eau t o an or gas m. The i r r e s ol ut i on t i me i s ver y r api d ( t he y ma y
even fall asl eep or pass o u t f r om t he r a pi d r el eas e of t e ns i on) .
To s umma r i z e , t h e n , t he b o d y s t ar t s of f as a " t h i n k i n g " e nt i t y, ge t t i ng
as much pl eas ur e as i t c a n f r om wh a t t he he a d, or e go, de c i de s wi l l be
pl easur abl e. As t he mo v e me n t s i n i nt e r c our s e or s t i mul a t i on c o n t i n u e , a n d as
t he or gast i c r ef l ex t a ke s ove r , mo v e me n t s begi n i n t h e pel vi s a nd y o u get " o u t
of c o n t r o l " ( out of r at i onal c o n t r o l ) . Gr a dua l l y t h e mo v e me n t di r ect i on shi f t s
s o t hat t he f or wa r d t hr us t of t he pel vi s i s ma d e mo r e a n d mo r e f r om t h e
gr ound or f eet , as will be d e mo n s t r a t e d i n my mo v e me n t exer ci ses l at er . Th e r e
comes a poi nt of no r e t u r n , af t er whi ch t he mo v e me n t f l ows f r om t he pel vi s up
t o t he he a d. Th e n f ol l ows a c or r e s pondi ng l et t i ng- go of t he ego, wh e n o n e
c o mp l e t e l y f l ows wi t h t he me l t i ng qual i t y of t h e or gas t i c r ef l ex. Fo r many
pe opl e , a pr obl e m ari ses wh e n , as t h e r ef l ex act i on i s r e a dy t o t ake over , a
n u mb e r of fears s udde nl y s ur f ace.
On e of t he fears y o u ma y e xpe r i e nc e i n i nt e r c our s e , as wel l as i n ot her
s i t ua t i ons , i s t ha t , i f y o u l et go of y o u r mi n d , y o u wi l l " l os e y o u r mi n d " - go
c r a z y. Pe opl e wh o live ent i r el y i n t hei r heads , t h i n k i n g t y p e s , r un t he risk of
ge t t i ng s t uc k i n t hei r t h i n k i n g pr oces s as an or gas m a p p r o a c h e s , a nd t ur n off
t hei r s exual ener gi es . Ene r gy mu s t f l ow freel y i n t he b o d y , becaus e or gasm i s a
r ef l ex r e a c t i on. I t i s as di f f i cul t t o t hi nk your s e l f i n t o a s neeze as i t i s t o t hi nk
your s e l f i n t o a n or ga s m!
Th e fear of fal l i ng i s a n o t h e r pr i mar y a n x i e t y t h a t c a n be t r i gger ed as
an or ga s m a ppr oa c he s . Whe n y o u l et y o u r e go, or mi n d f unct i on shi f t , you do
get a s ens e of fal l i ng. Thi s can be ver y f r i ght eni ng. Th e r e al so arises
occas i onal l y t he fear of d e a t h . Th e as s oci at i on of de a t h a n d or gasm i s a
c o mmo n p h e n o me n o n . Rei ch s aw t he st r i vi ng for non- e xi s t e nc e , for Ni r vana, for
d e a t h , as i dent i cal wi t h t h e st r i vi ng for or gast i c r el eas e. Thi s l ed hi m t o believe
t ha t t h e or gas m i s t h e mos t i mp o r t a n t ma ni f e s t a t i on of l i fe. Rei ch ci t ed two
ki nds of a t t i t ude s t o wa r d de a t h a n d dyi ng: e i t he r as an i dea of severe injury or
d e s t r u c t i o n of t he ps yc hophys i c a l or gani s m (i n t hi s case a c c o mp a n i e d by severe
a n x i e t y a nd gr oupe d a r o u n d geni t al cas t r at i on) or i n t h e f or m of bodily
di s s ol ut i on, mel t i ng a wa y , whi c h i s si mi l ar t o full or gas t i c gr at i f i cat i on and
pl eas ur e.
Fr e ud first p r opos e d t he i dea t ha t pl eas ur e r es ul t s f r om t he release of
b o d y t e ns i on. He r el at ed t h e degr ee of o n e ' s pl eas ur e t o t he a mo u n t of t ensi on
di s char ged. An d he was r i ght . Th e gr eat er y o u r c ha r ge , t h e mor e rapid
y o u r r el ease a n d t h e gr eat er y o u r pl eas ur e.
My mo v e me n t exer ci s es ar e des i gned t o dupl i c a t e t he mo v e me n t of the
or gast i c r ef l ex. So me pe opl e c a n n o t p r o d u c e even t h e v o l u n t a r y osci l l at i ons of
t h e pel vi s whe n r e q u e s t e d t o do s o, mu c h less p a y a t t e n t i o n t o br e a t hi ng and
mo v e me n t all at onc e . Pe opl e wh o c a n n o t r e p r o d u c e t hes e os ci l l at i ons cannot
e xpe r i e nc e t he s exual e xc i t a t i on whi c h i ncr eases t h e hei ght of t hei r char ge, or
t e ns i on t o or ga s m.
You will wo r k t h r o u g h my exer ci ses i n a s e que nc e whi ch al l ows y o u r
body t o be c ome a c c u s t o me d t o c ha r ge , e xc i t a t i on, a n d t hei r a c c o mp a n y i n g
feelings a nd to spread that char ge throughout your whole body, n o t j u s t
l ocal i ze i t i n t he geni t al ar ea. When t hi s i s d o n e y o u r di s char ge ( or gas m) i s a
t ot al body e xpe r i e nc e or total orgasm, as o p p o s e d t o t h a t whi c h i s l ocal i zed i n
t he geni t al ar ea a l one . Whe n t hi s e xc i t a t i on i s not s pr ead t h r o u g h o u t t h e whol e
body wha t of t e n h a p p e n s i s t hat , f or a ma n t he e xc i t a t i on b e c o me s so
l ocal i zed i n t he geni t al s t ha t he ma y have wh a t i s c o mmo n l y cal l ed
" p r e ma t u r e " e j a c ul a t i on. When I say p r e ma t u r e , I me a n an or gas m t h a t i s
pr emat ur e for him; i t mi ght be l ong e n o u g h t o sat i sf y his pa r t ne r , b u t t h e
ej acul at i on a nd di s char ge ar e not e n o u g h t o r el eas e hi s t ens i on b u i l d u p , a n d
t her ef or e he i s unf ul f i l l ed.
Some me n , i n o r d e r t o ma i nt a i n a n e r e c t i on l onger d u r i n g a c t ua l
i nt er cour s e, mus t t u r n t hei r a t t e n t i o n off, t h i n k of t hei r g r a n d mo t h e r s or of
veget abl e gar dens , or el se t he y will r each a c l i ma x t o o s oon. By di s s i pat i ng t h e
energy t h r o u g h o u t hi s b o d y , a ma n can last l onger a n d at t he s ame t i me enj oy all
t he s t i mul at i on a n d e x c i t e me n t t ha t c o me s wi t h hi s c ha r ge pha s e .
For a wo ma n , t h e s e que nc e ma y be si mi l ar . She ma y e xpe r i e nc e an
or gasm, but i t i s o n l y a smal l bui l dup a n d di s char ge. A wo ma n i s c a pa bl e of
havi ng mul t i pl e or ga s ms , but i t i s essent i al t h a t she ma i nt a i n her e ne r gy for
bui l dup be t we e n t h e m. Whe n her or gas t i c t e ns i on i s smal l , he r or ga s m i s
si mi l arl y smal l , a n d ma n y t i me s her t e ns i on r e ma i n s , pr e ve nt i ng a n o t h e r b u i l d u p
t o a not he r di s a ppoi nt i ng di s char ge. I t i s pos s i bl e t o e mpha s i z e t hese di f f er ences
bet ween mal e a n d f emal e, but I feel , as Ma s t e r s a n d J o h n s o n d o , t h a t t he
si mi l ari t i es r a t he r t ha n t he di f f er ences ar e f r e que nt l y mo r e si gni f i cant i n
compar i ng me n a n d wo me n ' s s exual r es pons es .
St an Ke l e ma n , a Bi oener get i c t he r a pi s t , ha s obs er ved t ha t o u r c ul t ur e
provi des us wi t h a hi gh level of sexual s t i mul a t i on b u t wi t h l i t t l e or gas t i c
expr es s i on. Wome n ar e t a ught t o t eas e, a n d me n ar e t a u g h t t o live f r om wh a t
he descr i bes a s a n " e n d of t he pe ni s " a t t i t u d e . . . t he stud a p p r o a c h . Bot h of
t hese emphas i ze e xt e r na l s t i mul a t i on at t h e e x p e n s e of i nt er nal g r o wt h . . .
he i ght e ne d s par kl i ng e x c i t e me n t t h a t i gnor es t he d e p t h s of t h e pe r s on' s feelings
a n d his i nne r mo v e me n t s a n d pul s at i ons . Th e de e pe r or gast i c s t a t e s or i gi nat e
f r om t h e i nsi de o u t . I t i s eas y e nough t o go a l ong wi t h t hese ext er nal st i mul i
b u t whe n t he feel i ngs s t a r t t o c o me f r om wi t hi n, ma n y peopl e will hol d back
a n d s hut off t he s e i nne r pul s a t i ons , f eel i ng o v e r wh e l me d a nd af r ai d. Fo r this
r e a s on, t he exer ci s es i n t hi s b o o k ar e des i gned t o e mp h a s i z e t h e development as
wel l as t h e t ol e r a t i on of inner e xc i t a t i on.
I t i s easy t o ove r e s t i ma t e t he i mp o r t a n c e of e x a mi n i n g t he sexual act i n
t e r ms of a di a gr a m or a c ur ve . Di agr ams wi l l l ead t o c ompa r i s ons , a nd t hi s i s
not a b o o k a i me d at c o mp a r i n g y o u wi t h a n y o n e el se, nor c o mp a r i n g your
sexual life wi t h y o u r pa r t ne r ' s . I t i s a i me d me r e l y at hel pi ng y o u i ncr eas e your
o wn e n j o y me n t of y o u r o wn s exual f eel i ngs, he l pi ng y o u have be t t e r , more
pl eas ur abl e or ga s ms a n d a fuller sexual e xpe r i e nc e .
Per haps t he mo s t di f f i cul t s t ep i n al l owi ng your s e l f t o have pl easur e i s
t h e r emoval of s o me of t he " s houl ds , s h o u l d n ' t s , mu s t s a n d c a n ' t s " t h a t all of
us have been r ai s ed wi t h — i n ot he r wo r d s , i deas of wh a t i s r i ght a nd what i s
wr ong. The s e i deas ar e t r ans f er r ed a n d i nf er r ed, a n d s o me h o w get put i nt o our
sexual l i ves. I have f o u n d i n my mo s t l i ber al a nd free pa t i e nt s t he same
pr obl e ms t ha t exi st a mo n g t hos e wh o feel s o me wh a t i nhi bi t e d. Th e freer people
tell t hems el ves t ha t t h e y " s h o u l d " be abl e t o s l eep wi t h a n y b o d y , t hey
" s h o u l d " enj oy sex wi t h e ve r yone , t he y " s h o u l d " be free a b o u t t hei r bodies,
a n d t he y' r e puz z l e d a b o u t s ome i nne r r es i s t ance whi c h r ef uses t o go al ong with
t hei r " s h o u l d s . " Thi s i nne r voi ce i s of t e n a voi ce of s ani t y t h a t i s s ear chi ng for
mor e me a ni ng i n a r e l a t i ons hi p t h a n j us t geni t al c o u p l i n g can pr ovi de.
What my exer ci s es can b e c o me t h e n , a n d wh a t I wa nt t o war n you
agai ns t , i s a n o t h e r t r a p of h o w you " s h o u l d " pe r f or m i n i nt e r c our s e , whe r e you
" s h o u l d " have a n or ga s m, h o w y o u " s h o u l d " a c t . Pl ease do not a d d t hi s book
t o y o u r o t h e r l i st of " s h o u l d s " . En j o y me n t a n d pl eas ur e wi l l e l ude y o u forever
i f y o u put a " s h o u l d " bef or e t h e m.
Exercising Alone
I wo u l d l i ke n o w t o i n t r o d u c e y o u t o s ome of t h e e x p e r i me n t s a nd
exerci ses I have de ve l ope d for wo r k i n g a l one wi t h your br e a t hi ng, mo v e me n t
and ener gy f l ow. The s e exer ci s es ar e d o n e i n s e que nc e ; y o u ma y have
t r oubl e ge t t i ng t h r o u g h t h e m all i n o n e s es s i on. When y o u ' v e d o n e t h e m all
once, you ma y deci de t h a t s o me ar e not a s usef ul a s o t h e r s : s ki p t h e m i f y o u wi s h. Th e
overal l s e que nc e of exer ci ses wor ks f r om t he he a d d o wn t o t he f eet , t he n ba c k
up. You will de ve l op y o u r own sense of h o w l ong t o pr act i ce each o n e . I t
shoul d t ake a b o u t t wo hour s t o do ever y exer ci s e pr ope r l y i n s e q u e n c e . I t
i s most i mp o r t a n t t ha t you est abl i sh y o u r br e a t hi ng pat t er n t h r o u g h t h e
breathing exercises a n d exper i ence s ome t i ngl i ng bef or e y o u go on t o t he
movement exercises.
You s houl d do t hes e exer ci s es s l owl y a n d wi t h a gr eat deal of a t t e n t i o n
and awar enes s . Tr y t o i magi ne t h a t y o u r a wa r e ne s s i s s o me t h i n g l i ke a
searchl i ght goi ng over y o u r b o d y , s o t h a t wh e n I ask you t o be a wa r e of
s omet hi ng, you br i ng y o u r t ot al a t t e n t i o n . . . your s ear chl i ght . . . t o t ha t ar ea.
Exper i ence t ha t a r e a i n r e l a t i ons hi p t o t h e o t h e r a r e a s ; i t b e c o me s an
i l l umi nat ed fi gure on a dar k b a c k g r o u n d .
For mo r e det ai l s on ge t t i ng s t a r t e d, see t he c ha pt e r cal l ed How To
Fi r st of al l , whi l e y o u ar e l yi ng on t he f l oor or on a be d, feel t he f l oor
( or be d) pus h up agai nst y o u , a n d t h e we i gh: of y o u r b o d y pus hi ng agai nst the
f l oor . Yo u r knees s houl d be u p ; feet f l at on t he f l oor . Not i c e wha t par t s of
y o u r b o d y t o u c h t h e f l oor . Pay a t t e n t i o n t o a ny ar ea t h a t s e e ms t o be t ense i n
y o u r b o d y . Ti ght e n t ha t ar ea as mu c h as you can a n d exagger at e t he tension.
No w l et i t go c o mp l e t e l y . As y o u do t ha t , e xha l e . Te ns e as y o u i nhal e, relax as
y o u e xha l e .
No w br i ng y o u r a t t e n t i o n t o y o u r f ace. Tr y t o feel your facial
e xpr e s s i on. Pay a t t e n t i o n t o t h e t e ns i on i n t he mi n u t e mu s c u l a t u r e of your
f ace. What i s t h e feel i ng y o u ar e expr es s i ng wi t h y o u r face? Exagger at e t hat
e xpr e s s i on . . . t ense i t t o i t s u t mo s t . See wha t i t i s t ha t y o u r face i s expressing.
Gi ve t h e expr es s i on a voi ce as i f i t c oul d t al k. Yo u r face ma y say; "I am
t e n s e " or " Th i s i s s i l l y, " or " I ' m wo r r i e d " e t c . Th e r e ar e an i nf i ni t e number of
e xpr e s s i ons t ha t c o me i nt o y o u r f ace. Let t h e m c o me o u t of y o u i f t hey want
t o — t h e n l et t he e xpr e s s i on g o . As y o u do t hi s , e xha l e t h o r o u g h l y four or f i ve
t i me s . Th e n begi n t o b r e a t h e sof t l y, bei ng s ur e t h a t t he e xha l a t i on i s not
f or ced but j us t a l e t t i ng go. Yo u c a n feel t he ai r c o mi n g i n y o u r t hr oat , i n
y o u r mo u t h a nd i n y o u r h e a d . Pay a t t e n t i o n t o y o u r br e a t hi ng a nd t o your:
b r e a t h — n o t t o wh a t i t d o e s , b u t t o whe r e i t c o me s i n a n d whe r e i t goes out
of our b o d y . Al l ow t he air t o move i n t o y o u r b o d y t hr ough y o u r nos e .
Exhal e a nd feel t h e s t r e a m of i t wi t h y o u r h a n d .
Pay a t t e n t i o n t o y o u r ches t . Do you k e e p y o u r ches t e x p a n d e d wh e n
no air i s c omi ng i n? Or y o u r s t o ma c h ? Do y o u e x p a n d y o u r s t o ma c h on
i nhal at i on or e x h a l a t i o n ? Do y o u feel t he i nha l a t i on d o wn i n t he pi t of y o u r
s t o ma c h ' Do wn t o your pel vi s? I n t o y o u r geni t al s ? Can y o u feel y o u r r i bs
expand on t he si des? I n t h e ba c k? Ma ny pe opl e , u p o n i ncr eas i ng t he v o l u me of
t hei r chest s, hol l ow o u t t hei r back at t he s a me t i me ; t hus t he vol ume i s n o t
really i ncr eas ed. Do n ' t t r y t o change a n y t h i n g i n your s e l f yet - j us t b e c o me
aware of wha t y o u ar e doi ng.
I magi ne for a mo me n t , t ha t i ns t ead of y o u r b r e a t h i n g t he ai r, t he air i s
br eat hi ng you. I magi ne t ha t t h e air i s s l owl y movi ng i nt o y o u r l ungs , a n d
sl owl y i s pul l ed o u t agai n . . . wi t hdr a wi ng a n d c o mi n g o u t of y o u . Yo u d o n ' t
have t o do a n y t h i n g at al l ; t he air i s doi ng y o u r br e a t hi ng for y o u . J u s t
exper i ence t hi s .
Le t ' s i magi ne t h a t y o u r br e a t h i s f l owi ng i n t o di f f er ent pa r t s of
your body. As y o u t a ke a br e a t h, t he air f l ows i nt o y o u r nos e and mo u t h . As
you let t he br e a t h o u t , i t fl ows d o wn i nt o y o u r pel vi s, i n t o y o u r h a n d s a n d
i nt o your bel l y. I magi ne t ha t i t goes t h r o u g h o u t y o u r b o d y t o di f f er ent pa r t s
wi t h each successi ve b r e a t h . St ar t by havi ng i t go i n t o y o u r t oes , t he n i nt o
your feet , i nt o b o t h l egs, c o mi n g up i nt o y o u r pel vi s, a n d i nt o y o u r ha nds ,
t hen t hr oughout t h e r est of y o u r b o d y , o n e par t at a t i me . I magi ne t h a t t h e
part of y o u r b o d y t o whi c h t he ai r i s f l owi ng e x p a n d s a l i t t l e as t he ai r move s
t o t hat ar ea. Fi na l l y, a s y o u begi n t o do t hi s br e a t hi ng, pa y a t t e n t i o n t o t h e
sequence wi t h whi ch y o u br e a t he . Che s t fi rst ? Ab d o me n f i r s t ?
Pl ace one h a n d on y o u r ches t a n d one ha nd on y o u r a b d o me n a s you
b r e a t h e . Th e r e s houl d be a ri se i n t he ches t a nd t he a b d o me n , t he n a collapse,
a l e t t i ng go, of t h e ches t a n d t he a b d o me n down agai n. I deal l y t he chest begins
t h e wa ve , t hen t he bel l y r i ses; at t he cr est of t he wave b o t h chest and
a b d o me n let go for e x h a l a t i o n ; d o n ' t pus h, y o u r na t ur a l b o d y el ast i ci t y will
f or ce t h e air o u t . Th e s e que nc e i s not of gr eat i mp o r t a n c e howe ve r , as l ong as
b o t h t he ches t a n d bel l y pa r t i c i pa t e fully i n y o u r i ns pi r at i on a n d expi r at i on.
So me peopl e are a b d o mi n a l b r e a t h e r s ; t hey nat ur al l y fill t hei r a b d o me n first.
Th a t ' s o k a y t o o . Thi s mo v e me n t s houl d f l ow i n a s mo o t h wave s o t hat i t goes
d o wn y o u r ent i r e b o d y , a n d wi t h pr act i ce i t wi l l . Co n t i n u e t hi s breat hi ng
a wa r e ne s s unt i l y o u feel c o mp l e t e l y r el axed a nd ar e b r e a t h i n g easi l y.
No w t a ke a d e e p b r e a t h a n d , without e xpe l l i ng t h e ai r , hol d y o u r b r e a t h
and ma ke t he mo v e me n t s of br e a t hi ng. Re pe a t t hi s exer ci se f our or f i ve t i me s .
f i l l i ng your l ungs a n d ma k i n g t he mo v e me n t s of t h e ches t a nd a b d o me n . S t o p
and rest , a nd t h e n do t he s e que nc e agai n for five r e pe t i t i ons . Thi s exer ci s e frees
your di aphr agm a n d s t a r t s t h e br e a t h f l ow mo v i n g ; i t al s o gives you a feel for
the exagger at ed mo v e me n t s of br e a t hi ng, a n d h o w cl ose t o t hi s exagger at i on
you nor mal l y c o me .
Begi n t o a dd s ome s o u n d t o y o u r br e a t hi ng. As y o u t a k e a br eat h i n,
i magi ne t he air goi ng c o mp l e t e l y d o wn t o t he b o t t o m of y o u r pel vi s . . . l i ke a
huge y a wn , i n whi ch y o u f i l l y o u r wh o l e b o d y wi t h ai r . Wh e n i t get s t o the
b o t t o m l et i t go, open your mouth, l et t i ng t he air c o me o u t of y o u very much
l i ke a sigh . . . a s o u n d of r el ease . . . ( h u h h h ) a c o mp l e t e l y l et t i ng- out , letting-go
s o u n d . Th e vi br at i on i n t h e t h r o a t r el axes a nd r el eas es t ha t ar ea. Cont i nue t o
ma k e t h e s o u n d . I t doe s not have t o be a l oud s o u n d , b u t you shoul d emi t a
s o u n d each t i me you br e a t he throughout the exercises. Ke e p y o u r mo u t h open.
4 2
As chi l dr en we us e d t o ma k e s o u n d s all t h e t i me , b u t n o w, as a dul t s , we ar e
cont r ol l ed a nd qui e t . Fo r ma n y pe opl e , t h e me r e t h o u g h t of t he sexual e xpe r i e nc e
wi l l cause a gasp a n d a s hut t i ng- of f of s ound. Th e r e i s no r ul e t h a t e x c i t e me n t i s
si l ent ! Begi n t o al l ow y o u r e x c i t e me n t t o e me r ge t h r o u g h y o u r s ounds . Pr a c t i c e
maki ng di f f er ent ki nds of s ounds . The s e will e n h a n c e y o u r r e pe t oi r e for s exual
cor nmuni cat i on wi t h o u t wo r d s . Dur i ng i nt e r c our s e , s ounds c a n be s t i mul a t i ng a n d
exci t i ng t o y o u r pa r t ne r , bes i des be i ng a me a n s of c o mmu n i c a t i o n .
No w you have be gun t o est abl i sh a d i a p h r a ma t i c br e a t hi ng r h y t h m,
soundi ng as y o u e xha l e . Th e n e x t exer ci s e for f r eei ng t h e ne c k a n d c he s t will
st r engt hen t hi s r h y t h m, a n d ma y begi n t o caus e y o u r h a n d s or o t h e r pa r t s of
your body t o t i ngl e. Thi s pa t t e r n of f ul l - t or s o, noi s y br e a t hi ng a nd t i ngl i ng
must be kept up t hr ough all t he exer ci ses t h a t f ol l ow. Each t i me y o u t r y t o
exercise a par t of y o u r b o d y t ha t i s t e ns e , y o u r br e a t hi ng ma y s t op. I f i t d o e s ,
go back, r eest abl i sh y o u r br e a t hi ng pa t t e r n a n d t r y t o exer ci s e t he t ens e ar ea
again. You can — af t er r e p e a t e d a t t e mp t s - br eak t h r o u g h t he t e ns i on, f r eei ng
the area.
Work y o u r wa y t h r o u g h each exer ci s e i n t hi s ma n n e r . Let y o u r br e a t h
pat t er n, not y o u r " p r o g r e s s " t h r o u g h t he e xe r c i s e s , be y o u r gui de pos t .
Freeing the neck and chest. Thi s exer ci s e is used to free t he uppe r par t
of t h e b o d y , t h e ches t a n d t he ne c k. I t i s mos t easi l y u n d e r s t o o d i f y o u s t udy
t he h a n d pos i t i ons , for t he y i ndi c a t e t h e mo t i o n of t h e s houl de r s . To begi n, lie
on t he f l o o r wi t h y o u r kne e s u p ; pl ace y o u r a r ms o u t t o your s i des , y o u r
hands pal m d o wn . No w t a k e a br eat h i n a n d r ol l y o u r ha nds a n d a r ms up i n
t he di r ect i on of your head . . . not i c e y o u r ches t will c o me u p , y o u r back will
ar ch a n d y o u r he a d will r ol l ba c k.
No w rol l y o u r h a n d s i n t h e oppos i t e di r e c t i on a n d l et y o u r br e a t h o u t
agai n. Your whol e a r m a nd s houl de r , neck a n d he a d wi l l f ol l ow. Re p e a t t hi s
five t i mes, t aki ng a b r e a t h each t i me y o u r c he s t ri ses a n d l e t t i ng i t o u t each
t i me your ches t i s c o n t r a c t e d on t he f or wa r d mo v e me n t . Ne x t , do t h e s a me
r ot a t i on of t h e h a n d s , a r ms a nd s houl de r s , b u t t hi s t i me c ha nge t h e mo t i o n s of
y o u r he a d a n d n e c k . I n o t h e r wo r d s , wh e r e y o u r h e a d was r ol l i ng back now i t ,
s houl d c ome f or wa r d as y o u i nhal e, a ddi ng pr es s ur e t o y o u r ches t . . . and
wher e y o u r he a d wa s f or wa r d, i t s houl d n o w be ba c k a s y o u e xha l e . Cha nge
onl y t he head a n d n e c k mo t i o n . Do t hi s f i ve t i mes . No w, r e t u r n t o t he or i gi nal
exer ci se; a s y o u do i t not e h o w mu c h mo r e f r ee y o u r mo v e me n t s ar e.
He r e ' s a less c o mp l i c a t e d exer ci s e t o free t h e ches t a n d ne c k.
Ta k e a br e a t h a n d rai se y o u r a r ms
up a n d over y o u r head i n a hi gh
a r c h , enl ar gi ng your ches t cavi t y
( b r e a t h e i n as mu c h as pos s i bl e) .
As you let your br e a t h go, p u t y o u r a r ms ba c k d o wn . Do t hi s s e que nc e of r ai si ng
your ar ms over y o u r he a d a s y o u br e a t he i n a n d l owe r i ng t h e m a s you b r e a t h e o u t
five t i mes . No w r ever s e t h e pr oces s . As y o u t a ke a br e a t h i n, p u t y o u r a r ms d o wn ;
as you let y o u r br e a t h o u t , rai se y o u r a r ms i n an a r c h ove r y o u r he a d. Put y o u r
ar ms down agai n, t a k e a b r e a t h i n. Do t hi s 5 t i me s . No w go ba c k t o t h e or i gi nal
way, t hi s t i me l et t i ng y o u r a r ms fall ( 5 t i me s ) . Th e s e exer ci s es ar e all de s i gne d t o
l oosen t he ches t , a n d t o get y o u t o begi n t o b r e a t h e a l i t t l e mo r e de e pl y.
At this point you may begin to feel some tingling in your face and
hands, and you may find some feelings (emotions) beginning to emerge. Just
allow these to come up. Do not be alarmed; this is suppose to be happening. If
you arc paying at t ent i on you' ll notice this same tingling present in an orgasm,
unless it is shut off by restricted breathing. Keep breathing; you are beginning
to learn to tolerate exci t ement ! This feeling of tingling is present in our bodies
all the time when we let go and pay attention to it. It merely means you are
alive! What you are experiencing is an exaggeration of your natural awareness
of being alive.
wish to do. Slow your breathing
pace. Holding on to your feelings is
often reflected in your hands; the
way you hold your hands often can
be an indication of your feelings. A
closed fist may mean anger or t hat
you are holding something in; many
people grasp at the bed and hold
on to it as they approach orgasm.
Try not to hold on as you exercise;
let your hands rest open, palms up
in a receptive position.
The feelings you may be experiencing, if they are this close to the
surface are not new. You probably have just been holding them under control
by limiting your breathing. Let them happen. Begin to pay at t ent i on to t hem
as though they were an interesting phenomenon. Let yourself experience what
they are, but avoid thinking about them or analyzing them.
Yo u r h a n d s
may also begin to
t i n g l e . Thi s wi l l
c o n t i n u e , i f t h e
tingling in your hands
gets so great t hat
your hands begin to
contract, you' ve gone
too far. This much
breathing is beyond
the scope of what we
Head, face, and neck self-massage. Begin to massage your forehead by
placing your hands on your brow and stroking, massaging from side to side,
stroking the brow. Start at the center, stroke out ward, carrying your strokes
clear around to behind your ear.
Allow your brow to be relaxed and comforted. Let yourself go. Pretend that
you' re just wiping the emot i ons from your brow and removing t hem.
Put your hands behind your head and feel your neck. Feel the tension
in the muscles along the ridge at the base of your skull (the occipital ridge -
t he r i dge wher e your scalp
attaches, almost directly in line
with the ears). This tension is
part of the tension t hat you hold
in your forehead. The scalp is a
one-pi ece facial ligament that
attaches both in the front at the
forehead and in the back of the
neck. The neck has the most
mus c l e s , and also the most
tension. Therefore, you have to
work with the back of the neck
as well as the forehead to relieve
t e ns i on i n y o u r scal p and
One of the things you can do to relieve this tension is to take a small
firm ball (a Coke bot t l e will do, or a milk bottle, but a ball is more
comfortable) and place it at the back of your neck. Now let your head relax
ont o the ball; begin to roll your head, feeling for tense areas. You will know
what area is tense . . . you will feel a lump or bulge in the back of your head
and maybe a feeling of soreness there. Tension in the neck or back of the head
can be a source of headache and stiffness. This exercise releases a large amount
of that held tension. Allow yourself to completely let it go. Be sure to
continue your breathing; sometimes this tension and discomfort is enough to
st op your breathing rhyt hm and make you tighten elsewhere in your body. If
so, stop the exercise until you have your breathing and tingling pattern going
again, then continue.
The next area of awakening is the area just above the eyes along the
eyebrows and in between the eyes. Start by placing your t humbs just along the
ridge of the eyebrows, especially between the eyes. Massage this area with a
stroking mot i on. Carry the stroke around to t he temples. Do this at least 10
times; keep your breathing going, one stroke with each breath. You use this
area of your face to express such feelings as worries, fretting, doubt s, and
inquiry. These and many more feelings may come to you as you release the
area through massage, if a thought or a feeling does come to you just allow
that to happen, experience it, then watch it p a s s . . . merely continue your
letting go and your breathing.
When you come to the area around your temple, be aware of any
holding or tension in the fan-shaped area above the ear (this is the temporalis
muscle). This area is associated with clenching your teeth and jaw. Massage the
area with the heel of your hand. As this area is released, you may become
aware of aggressive or angry feelings, or you may feel like moving your head in
a " no" mot i on. Go ahead, express the " n o " by shaking your head... just let
it roll from side to side . . . allow the feeling associated with this mot i on to
come out . Somet i mes this is expressed as "I want " or "I will"; encourage these
feelings to be expressed.
Now with the three middle fingers of the hand, begin to stroke just
below the eyes, carrying the stroke clear around again to the temple area,
"mi l ki ng" out the puffy areas just below the eye sockets and making a
continual mot i on around to the t op of the ears and the back of the head. Do
this 10 times, but keep your breathing going. This mot i on helps to get rid of
bags and lines around the eyes; it also relieves the hard, cold, staring quality
that many people' s eyes develop.
It is interesting to not e t hat after you work with the muscles around
the eye you may discover t hat you have new energy in your eyes; things may
look very much clearer. You may have a new consciousness of what you see
when you open and close your eyes. If this begins to happen, look around the
r oom, exercise your eyes, put t i ng this new awareness to use.
Continue your massage down your face to your cheeks. Rub with
circular mot i ons and firm pressure; feel the muscles beneat h your fingers. Use a
"wiping-away" mot i on. As your massage moves down your face to your cheek
you may find yourself feeling like you wish to cry. if you can, j ust allow
yourself to cry; allow the tears to come until they are finished. You will find
t hat a great deal of the tension t hat was held in your face has been relaxed.
When massaging your upper lip, you may discover feelings of laughter, and
fantasies of a pleasant nature . . . such as running in the count ry, or the
memory of a pleasant childhood out i ng. Again, let the experience happen.
Now go to the lower lip and chin, paying particular at t ent i on to the
corners of the mout h.
The area from just below the j aw up to the ear is the masseter, the
major jaw muscle for clamping the jaw shut. Don' t forget to give this muscle
firm pressure and massage it in a circular mot i on.
The emot i ons and expressions that are held in this cheek area seem to
be some of the most dramat i c yet the easiest to release. The constant "nice
guy" smile which hides anger or aggression, or its female count erpart , the
"host ess" smile, the look of sadness around the eyes which holds tears and
sorrow, a feeling of terror or panic like not being able to escape, etc. may be
associated with this area. The point is that if you feel these things pay
attention to t hem, and that you are allowing them to come up; you can
experience the feelings, let t hem happen, and go on from t here. Remember to
allow your breathing to cont i nue at a full, smoothly-flowing, relaxed rate, if
your breathing pat t ern is broken, reestablish it before beginning again.
Now take your lower jaw in your hands, hold it, and open and close
your mout h, clicking your teeth together — about 32 times. See if you can let
your jaw become more relaxed, as if you were in a stupor.
As you work with your j aw, you can begin to see the connection
between the sounds you make and your breathing. As you were doing this
massage, you should have been making the sounds that Come with the
breathing, if you didn' t, do so the next time you practice these exercises.
There are some chronic emot i ons t hat seem to be released when working
around the mout h and j aw. Somet i mes helplessness, feelings of pitifulness, a
quivering chin, and tears are released at this point. The gesture of turning down
the corners of the mout h (as a negating st at ement ) is also associated with these
negative feelings, which may be expressed when the area is released. A great
deal of tension is held in the j aw, but most particularly anger. As tensions are
released here it is useful to stretch your j aw out and raise your upper lip in a
snarl — and growl. Now make a vowel sound to go with your expression. You
may feel strange, but doing this will dissipate some stored anger.
It is obvious that as you do these exercises, you will find that a great
many feelings and expressions associated with your "charact er" or "mask" may
come to the surface. You will be very interested to not e how many of your
feelings you hold or "bl ock" in your face. The face is a major means of
expressing feelings, but it is also one of the major means of blocking feelings
and their expression. During sexual excitation many people hold their jaws very
tense, hold their faces very rigid, close their eyes and block a great deal of the
feelings of excitement that want to come out during intercourse. Releasing the
tension now will increase your feelings in intercourse, which is what you are
Now let' s move on to the chest , and begin the movement exercises.
Over A Barrel. I have devised a padded barrel (I call it the Rosenberg
barrel) which is a convenient way of working with breath, sound and the way
you hold tension in your chest. (A word of caution: don't do any exercise that
is uncomfort abl e or painful, particularly those which involve bending backwards.
if you have back t roubl es, you had bet t er skip this one. ) The construction of
the barrel is very simple. It is merely a keg about 18 inches in diameter and 3
feet long, padded with a piece of foam rubber, t hen covered with canvas or
leatherette. If you don' t wish to go to t hat effort, j ust wrap a blanket around
a barrel, and tie it wi t h a rope or t wo.
Before you begin this exercise,
make sure that your breat hi ng is up and
t hat you have some tingling in your hands
or body. Sit with your back against the
barrel, and make yourself comfortable.
Raise your arms up over your head and, as
you roll, you' ll find t hat t here' s one place in your back, or a couple of places,
that are tense. Also, the sound you' re making will seem to stop or be forced at
those places. When this happens, roll back and forth over that area to
encourage releasing the area.
you take a breath in, roll back on the barrel; let a sound o u t . . . ahhhhh. As
Now start up the barrel again. Do this until you have freed yourself of
these tense areas and your sound doesn' t change as you roll. In other words, the
sound is one continuous ahhhhhhh . . .
You don' t have to have a barrel; you could use a stool or the end of a
couch, some pillows rolled up, or any number of things, but using a barrel
allows you to roll back and forth at the rate and degree to which you feel
most comfortable.
Many times the tension that you feel on the barrel is right at the point
below the diaphragm. This is the major place t hat you' ll want to put pressure;
If you don' t have a barrel . . . you' ll want to stretch your back, and open your
chest as much as possible.
After you' ve opened the diaphragm, you can roll on back, and keep
rolling back and forth until you' re able to rest your shoulders on the floor
with only your pelvis supported by the barrel.
When you can do this, your whole torso will be opened for deeper breathing.
This exercise often elicits a fear of falling in many people and is akin
to the same feeling of loss of cont rol t hat comes with orgasm or "falling in
l ove. " Fear not , you won' t fall. Pay at t ent i on to your breathing and notice
where on the roll you tense up and stop yourself. Work these places back and
forth until they open.
Then turn over and bounce it the other way. (if you are male and you have an
erection don' t do this part . You may waste the whole price of the book. )
It is helpful to put your feet against the wall as you bounce. Bounce your pelvis
vigorously at least 25 times on each side. This will awaken your pelvis and it will
begin to come alive. This exercise may release stored anger; if this happens, hi t
or beat a pillow. See page 103.
The Pelvic Bounce. You are now ready to move further down t he body
and i nt o your pelvic area. As you' re lying on the floor with your knees up,
raise your hips off the ground and bounce your pelvis.
Pelvic rocking. Lying on your back again, place your hands on your
pelvis and, as you take a breath in, let your pelvis rot at e back, arching your
back very slightly. At this point, it is important t hat you begin to change the
emphasis on your breathing. You have been breathing in and out through your
nose and mout h. Now begin a kind of mental gymnastics to change the origin
of your breath . . . it should now be centered on your genital area. In other
words, imagine you're pulling the air in through your genitals and exhaling out
through the same place. But keep your mout h open, and keep sighing as you
exhale. Your first motion is to slightly cock your pelvis back as you take a
breat h in, and then as you let it out , let your pelvis rot at e forward.
Hold the pelvis there until you' re ready to inhale again. Your pelvis may want to
bounce. Allow that to happen any time it feels comfortable. So it' s breathe in -
pelvis back, and breath out — pelvis forward. If you have trouble doing this and
imagining your breath is coming in and out your genitals at the same time, practice
j ust the breathing part until you' ve got it.
Once you' re sure of your pelvic movement , drop your arms to your side
and continue the movement in a relaxed manner fifteen times. Your exhalation
should be a letting-go. Your stomach shoul dn' t be tight. Do not force the
movement. Just rock your pelvis forward very lightly, letting air out . This
pelvic rot at i on is the proper way to thrust during intercourse. If you do not let
your pelvis rot at e freely, you can only thrust rigidly, with your whole t orso.
Once you get the hang of pelvic rot at i on, you' ll prefer it to whatever you' ve
been doing.
Now, at the same time you exhal e, reach downward with your arms. Do
this about 10 times, then st op reaching and just breathe and rock your pelvis
back and forward. This is the major movement that you want to synchronize
at this t i me: your breath with your pelvic rotation. Practice it very slowly; be
sure your breath goes out when your pelvis comes forward. Pay attention to
how you tense yourself by moving more muscles than are necessary to do this
simple rocking of the pelvis. Try to relax those extra muscles. Once you' ve got
it. you' ll begin to see how natural the phenomenon of pelvic movement is.
Breathe and do this pelvic rock for at least 5 minutes, paying at t ent i on to your
breath... being sure that your breath is "drawn in t hrough the genitals" when
the pelvis tilts back, and goes out through t hem when the pelvis tilts forward.
You rnay find that now you arc getting some vibrations, some shaking and
tingling on the inside of your legs. This merely means that the energy flow has
moved downward. Slapping your legs together or rubbing and light massage make
these feelings more comfortable.
Strange things may start happening now; all of a sudden your neck may
get tense, or a headache may start, or you may feel pain some other place in
your body. Stop if you feel tension coming into your neck. As your pelvis
moves, it is most common to get tension reflected back up i nt o your neck,
because the neck and the pelvis work together. The way you hold your head
and the way that you hold your pelvis are coordi nat ed, so as you begin to
loosen up your pelvis, the tension may shift up to your neck, if so, start
again . . . start back with massaging your neck, get your breathing started
smoothly again, paying at t ent i on to it as you go along, and again slowly work
up to your pelvic movement . With a little work, your neck should release
again. Do this same thing - massage plus starting over again — for tension
anywhere else in your body.
During the day, as you go about your life, pay at t ent i on to the amount
of tension you hold in your pelvis when you don' t need to... while walking,
dancing, or moving in any way. Then try to see how you reflect this to your
neck if you can catch this sequence often enough you can save yourself a lot
of tension headaches.
Panting. One way of rapidly starting the breathing pat t ern and increasing
your tingling is to pant with the chest onl y. The sequence is: draw air i nt o your
chest and pant 6 times, then do one long exhalation. Repeat this sequence
about 10 times and your breathing and tingling will be started. Do this after
any interruption in your exercises to quickly resume your previous level of
Pelvic Lift. (snake-like lift of pelvis) Thi s is a yoga and dance exercise
which is designed to emphasize the proper motion of the final pelvic
movements of the orgastic reflex. It also gets your energy, which has been
7 5
aroused by your breathing, into your feet . . . grounding the energy, in other
words. The pelvic lift is similar to the way a snake lifts off the ground, one
vertebrae at a time. Start by taking a breath in and cocking your pelvis back'
then as you expel your air out (remember to imagine your air coming in and
out through your genitals) raise your pelvis off the ground, one vertebrae at a
time until you are resting on your shoulders and feet.
Now come back down reversing the process, letting your pelvis stay cocked
forward or up until the last moment . Be sure to come back down one
vertebrae at a t i me. Your st omach is not tight at this poi nt : it should be
relaxed with the pelvis up and forward. Begin the sequence again by taking a
breath and cocking your pelvis back only when you're ready to breathe again.
Do this exercise in a very slow movement . Practice this at least 8-10 times each
session. This, as I said, is the final movement in an orgasm: t hat is, the pelvis
moved forward, breath out , feet grounded. It is most critical to feel the
spreading of excitement t hroughout your body, especially how your energy
bounces back from the ground or your feet to your pelvis.
Bioenergetic Bridge. This exercise is really an exaggeration of the last
exercise that you did. Somet i mes by exaggerating, the feeling of the muscles
can be brought to your at t ent i on far more easily. I don' t recommend this
exercise for everybody; it' s pretty strenuous. Just do it if you wish to further
cement your feeling of pelvic activation. Place your fists underneath your heels.
Then slowly bring yourself up on your head, bridging, like wrestlers do, from
your head to your heels. As you breathe, let your pelvis rot at e back in the
same easy breathing manner t hat you used in pelvic rocking. Breathe forward
and back in this alternative position to get the feeling of moving your pelvis.
What you' re starting to do now is to get i nt o the concept of "groundi ng, " of
getting your energy movement down into your feet. At the same time, you are
getting your pelvic movement and your breath bet t er coordinated.
rocking it forward and lifting off the floor, one vertebrae at a time until you' re
on your shoulders, feet on the wall.
Grounding against a wall. Put your feet up against a wall and do your
breathing movement, rocking your pelvis back as you inhale; now exhale
Hold here until you feel like coming down. You can begin to get the feeling of
using the extensor muscles on the front of your thighs to pull the pelvis up and
forward, and of grounding your energy i nt o the floor (the wall, in this case) or i nt o
your feet. Do this 5-10 times slowly. Remember to breathe in and out of your
genital area.
On all fours. This exercise is similar to the last exercise, but turned
over. Your feet are against the wall; rock your pelvis back (inhaling) and then
come forward with your pelvis (exhaling), pushing with your hands on the
floor and pushing against the wall with your heels. Then come back slowly to
All these exercises are ways of getting your energy down i nt o your feet,
and of pushing up with your pelvis. As you do t hem, you may begin to feel
tight and tense again.
your starting position. Do this
one 5-7 times.
If tension occurs, you must go back and find where you' re holding on
You may have st opped breathing, so start again. As you begin to pay attention
to where you' re holding on, you' ll find that many times the inguinal area (the
area just above the pubic area) and the belly are very tight.
The Belly Rest. An excellent exercise to relieve tension in the inguinal
area is to t urn over and lie with your head on the floor, but t ocks up and
knees apart . Allow yourself to just breathe in this position for awhile and relax
a bit giving that area a chance to let go. This is particularly comfortable to a
woman, for if her uterus is slightly tilted (prolapsed), it will right itself in this
position. The position also relaxes tensions in the belly.
Another place tension appears frequently is in the inner thighs, from the
stress of holding your legs together. Take a breath, rocking your pelvis back.
and then as you let your breath out , open your legs and imagine you're
exhaling through the genital area. Particularly i mport ant here is the idea of
being receptive, of letting air come in as you inhale and then imagining letting
someone "penet r at e" (particularly, but not only, for women). Relax your
stomach muscles as you do this exercise. Repeat about 10-15 times, breathing
slowly and easily.
Knee Circles. Here is an exercise t hat is useful to help you in letting go
of your legs and stomach muscles. Put your hands on your belly to make sure
that you' re not using the stomach muscles to draw your legs up. Now, draw
your legs up very slowly, drag your heels, so that your legs come up over your
body- Allow your legs to fall apart and open, and t hen back down on t he
ground. Do this six or seven times. Pay at t ent i on to your breathing.
The "Little Bird". Thi s is an alternative exercise. Many of us have spent
years building our "mor al i t y" muscles, the inner muscles of our legs that we
use to keep our legs together.
x x
The "little bi r d" is a Yoga exercise that can be very useful for opening the muscles
on the insides of the legs, for allowing that opening to take place. You sit with
the soles of your feet together, drawing t hem as close to your body as possible;
hold your feet with both hands. Now raise and lower your legs in a flying-type
movement, very much as a bird would fly. Do this about 15 times.
Then lean over, exhaling, and try to put
your head ont o your feet. This stretches
the "mor al i t y" muscles in between the
legs, and also stretches the neck and back.
Repeat this sequence at least 3 times.
The Vaginal Squeeze. This is an exercise many women have found
useful for increasing feeling in the genital area; it is frequently prescribed for
women who have just had babies, to ret urn t one and flexibility to this area.
The Pubococcygeus muscle is a broad band of muscle that surrounds the
vagina. It is rich in sensitive nerve endings, which are stimulated by pressure
from inside the vagina, such as occurs in sexual penet rat i on. Obviously the
more firm and bet t er-t oned this muscle is, the more pleasure it can give you as
it is stretched by penet rat i on; a flaccid, flabby pubococcygeus won' t afford you
much feeling at all.
To locate this muscle, try stopping your urine flow; you use this muscle
to do t hat . Then try contracting the muscle at ot her times. By inserting a
finger in your vagina, you should be able to feel the contractions.
To do the exercise, lie down and start your breathing pattern. Now
contract your muscle while inhaling, pulling the muscle in with the intake of
your breath, and as you exhale, relax the muscle. You may notice that you
contract your stomach muscles when you cont ract t he pubococcygcus muscle;
with practice you will learn to contract it wi t hout cont ract i ng the stomach
muscles. Now bear down like you' re trying to push something out of your
vagina, or trying to urinate in a hurry. Continue to breathe regularly. Do these
exercises 10 times each, working up to 25 times each in t wo or three weeks.
This is an exercise you can practice any time or place you choose: standing in
line for a movie, on a bus — nobody will ever know. Just contract and relax
the muscle; then cont ract it and hold it for the count of t hree. Do this several
times whenever you think of it. You and your sexual partner will both reap
the benefits!
The Japanese Testi-Pull. This exercise is a Japanese massage technique
for those men whose testes and penises are held up tight most of the time. It
is a means of bringing relaxation and awareness to the scrot um and testes and
it helps loosen genital tension. It can be done in any position and any time
tension is present.
Take one teste in each hand and gently pull down on them one time
for each year of your life (if you are 35, pull each teste 35 times). Pull down,
hold for a count of three, then let go. This exercise is not recommended for
those men whose testes hang quite freely.
Squatting. Squatting helps to place the
organs of the body in a good position and to
open up and relax the genital area. Somet i mes
this is difficult for people who arc not used to
doing these kinds of exercises; if you' ll place a
book under your heels it will make the exercise
much easier. Put your arms in between your
legs to add pressure to the inside of the legs.
Then reach out in front of you with your arms.
You may want to grab hol d of somet hi ng to
help you maintain this position. This exercise
stimulates the flow of energy t hroughout the
body, and it also gets you in t ouch with the grounding of your heels so that
you can feel your feet and your energy flow at the same t i me. All of this is
done while you are still breathing rhythmically. Remember that the breathing is
the most important thing. You should have a steady pat t ern of breathing g o ing
on while you are doing this and every exercise. Stay in this position for at
least three mi nut es.
Bioenergetic Bends. Here is a basic bioenergetic exercise which helps get
energy streaming t hroughout the body. Stand and turn your t oes slightly
inward, put your fists on the small of your back, and lean back as far as you can; you'll find that your
legs begin to vibrate and shake in a very short time. Feel the ground under your feet. As the energy gets
going, put your head backward, which will help to pull your chest back. Continue breathing deeply.
Now lean over with your arms dangling to
the ground.
Here is the incorrect position: the
person' s weight is t oo far back on his
heels; leaning more forward in the
proper manner will allow the energy
to flow bet t er. You can do this
exercise about three times backward
and forward, holding for at least one
minute in each position. This
exercise, like most of the others.
tends to encourage the release of feelings, so it is important t hat you allow
and even encourage this release. For example, if in this exercise you should feel
anger while in the back position, exaggerate the expression of anger by sticking
your chin out or growling; snarl like a dog who is mad. This will facilitate
the feeling-
Stepping out. This is a useful exercise for
getting in t ouch with the feeling of moving energy
to your feet by activating the extensor muscles of
the legs. St and up against a wall, and do the
Pelvic Lift in this position. Cock your pelvis back
as you take a breath in and, as you let your
breath out , (through your genitals, remember)
push forward with your pubic area; your back will
come off the wall automatically, vertebrae by
vertebrae up from the tailbone. if you push hard
enough, you will find t hat the extensor muscles of your legs have to come
forward to catch your forward movement. When you take a step forward those
muscles activate the pelvis, and you get the feeling of forward mot i on. Step
out five times with each foot. This exercise can be practiced any time while
waiting for a bus, or between projects at work to keep the feeling of moving
out and down in mind.
These exercises have been designed to promot e harmony between your pelvic
movement and your breathing. Each time t hat you go from one exercise to
another, you may find that you have st opped your breathing, lost track of the
sequence of breathing, or t hat you are no longer breathing correctly with
your pelvic movement s. Your forward, upward exhalation has to t ake place
during the orgastic reflex. The most i mport ant thing in the exercises is to keep
the movement of your pelvis in an easy, flowing manner as you t ake a
breath. . . backward and forward. At this poi nt , when you can work through
these exercises and not alter your breathing, you are ready to begin work with
a partner.
Although most of these exercises have to be done in private, in the
ideal, quiet, warm condi t i ons I discussed earlier, a few can be done anywhere,
any time you wish. For exampl e, every time you walk or move begin to see
how you hold ont o your breath and your movement s . . . notice where you
carry your tension, then let it go. I have even found t hat pelvic rocking can be
used on a trip in the car to keep my energy flowing. Merely take a breath in
"through your genitals" and rock back. As you let the breath out , move your
pelvis forward and imagine that your mot i on is helping to propel the car along
the road!
Try the Squatting exercise first thing in the morning. Even if you have
time for no ot her exercising, this one will help get your energy started for the
People who are physically handicapped in some way, and yet have a
very satisfactory loving relationship with anot her person, can increase their
physical excitement by doing these exercises, even t hough t hey may be partially
paralyzed. The exercises stimulate the aut onomi c nervous system and will help
increase the level of exci t ement for anyone.
These exercises have been developed to arouse your total body energy
in general as well as your sexual energy specifically. They are excellent to
continue even after you have begun working with a partner, in between sessions
with your partner. Then, after the major purposes of worki ng together have been
accomplished, the exercises can be cont i nued as a way of keeping your energy
t uned up. Make t hem part of your general health exercise program.
Preliminaries for
Working with a Partner
As you move into the exercises for worki ng with a partner, your major
task is to bring the energy you' ve achieved through worki ng alone i nt o the new
relationship. The exercises in Exercising Alone are ample for getting you in t ouch
with your exci t ement and teaching you how to breat he and move so you can
experience the smoot h flow of your body in orgasm. Now t he task is to keep
that excitement in the presence of anot her person . . . in fact, to increase it
through making contact and sensing anot her' s presence. When you work with
another person, t he major thing to be conscious of is your feeling about t he
relationship, for it is in the feeling realm t hat you shut off your exci t ement
and your pleasure.
It is absolutely necessary in worki ng with a partner to establish the
understanding that the responsibility for sexual excitement remains with each
participant. As soon as you begin to try to teach somebody else to t ol erat e
excitement, or as soon as the motivation and the energy for these exercises
comes from outside yourself rather than within, you are automatically defeated.
You cannot get somebody else to enjoy anyt hi ng. You can do some things to
facilitate it, but you cannot make anybody else enjoy something.
I like to re-emphasize this point to those who feel it their dut y to help
their part ner, not realizing t hat they often invade the ot her ' s space and rob
him of his own right to develop his own potential. 1 am reminded of the
Kazantzakis story of St. Francis who was standing on a hill, at one with the
universe, in total bliss and j oy, in ' Satori. ' All of a sudden, he began to think
of all the poor, wretched, suffering people who were not at his level of Bliss,
and he said to God in a very worried voice, "But God, what of those poor
suffering peopl e?" And a deep voice came from the heavens, "Franci s, those
ot hers are mine. Take care of yourself." if you take the responsibility for your
part ner' s exci t ement rather than leaving it to hi m, your working together is
When you work with a partner, it is i mpor t ant that both of you put
off immediate gratification for the sake of possible long-range gratification.
Although it doesn' t happen rout i nel y, you may become sexually aroused during
the exercises, perhaps even have an erection. This will give you an opport uni t y
to practice spreading your exci t ement t hroughout your body instead of focusing
it on your genitals. Keep moving and breathing.
There is no rule t hat says if you are sexually aroused you have to
satisfy t hat urge i mmedi at el y. Enjoy your exci t ement and let it add charge to
your exercises. It is i mport ant to discuss this possibility frankly with your
partner in advance and to establish your feelings about your sexual excitement
with your partner beforehand.
Remember, these are exercises to increase your tolerance to exci t ement .
If you are not willing to do the work, if you get charged up and go on to an
orgasm before you are able to tolerate the charge for any length of time, then
you are going to decrease your possibility of worki ng with the exercises
successfully. For this reason, I recommend t hat when you work with a partner
you do not go to orgasm. Later on we will talk about the use of the exercises
for increasing the excitement of foreplay and of the orgastic cycle. That is t he
proper time to think about releasing your charge, in an orgasm.
These exercises for working together are to be done very slowly, and
both partners have to be willing to commi t themselves to t he project. It is
really better to work alone than to work with an uncooperative or i mpat i ent
partner. This work cannot be hurried or rushed through in any way. The same
areas of tightness have to be experienced again and again before you will begin
to let them go. This may sound a bit difficult and discouraging, but the
muscular pat t erns that defend your body were not developed overnight, and it
will take time to pat t ern new responses. If you can work t oget her this way,
you may find a new kind of pleasure, a kind of sharing in this situation that
neither of you may have been able to achieve before.
In order to work together you will have to open yourselves, your
relationship, and your communi cat i ons to each other. Both partners have to
pay at t ent i on to themselves, as well as each to the other person. Many of us
can tolerate the sexual experiences or pleasurable feelings t hat come with sex
alone, or with fantasy, but when we get in the presence of anot her person, we
no longer can tolerate these feelings. Instead, we get feelings of embarrassment,
guilt, et c.
Some women can achieve orgasm easily by masturbation, and yet, when
with someone else, find it impossible to reach a climax. Men more often find
they reach a climax t oo soon. It is extremely important when working with a
partner t hat you maintain cont act and communication with t hat person so t hat
you can experience the feelings in your own body and allow t hem to occur,
and also be aware of the presence and effect of the other person upon you . . .
and you upon hi m. This coincidence of feeling, or coming t oget her, is part of
the goal you will work toward.
As I have said before, these exercises will put you in close t ouch with
your emot i ons. This is true whet her you are working alone or with a partner.
You may have added discomfort if you are not used to exposing your feelings
in the presence of another. All of a sudden, as you start breathing, you might
"expl ode" i nt o feeling. Many men, in particular, are not used to feeling like
they are going to cry. Crying is a normal occurrence in this kind of work; you
can feel like crying more easily when you increase your overall feeling content.
We all have a number of things to cry about . If we di dn' t , we woul dn' t be
human. It ' s your part ner' s j ob t o let you know you can go through this, to
reassure you. Let these feelings out; you won' t keep crying forever. Think of
the body as an iceberg, a huge iceberg t hat has had many years to build up its
coldness, its insensitivity, and its hard out er shell. Most of t he iceberg' s bulk is
below t he wat er, so when t he sun comes out and it begins to mel t , the only
part t hat melts is the part above the surface. As t hat part melts through,
another part comes up. And so the melting process, the crying, the allowing of
feelings, is a cont i nuous part of the growing process. Until you can "mel t "
some, until you can get in t ouch with all your feelings, you can' t possibly
allow your pleasurable feelings to increase.
Some people believe t hat because someone is crying or is into his
feelings deeply, somet hi ng has to be done about it. if a baby cries, he' s usually
trying to elicit some kind of influence on his environment to get something to
happen. We respond by picking him up to comfort him or to get him to quiet
down. In this work, you are to j ust merely be with your partner and allow
him or her to have feelings; t here is not hi ng t hat you can do about it, or that
you have to do. Just be t here, stay in cont act , and allow.
Crying or feelings of loneliness or wanting to be held are one type of
emot i on t hat may come up. Anot her t ype t hat may arise in this wor k is anger
and resentment. If you get in touch with some anger, kick or hit a pillow, or
bite or chew or strangle the pillow. The feelings must be let out , but not taken
out on your partner. Just allow t hem to happen. These feelings may surprise
you by their intensity. You may feel like you' re going to kill yourself or
somebody else; you have "cat ast rophi c expect at i ons" which, when followed to
their ultimate conclusions, will reveal themselves as unfounded fantasy. You can
comfort yourself by knowing that you can turn these feelings off. You know
how to do t hat ; you' ve been doing it for a lifetime.
If you are in a space where your feelings seem overwhelming, where
you can' t go on, you can always seek counsel, and I recommend very strongly
you do seek professional help if you even suspect you need it. Call a
psychologist or psychiatrist and talk to him. Let someone else share your
feelings; this may be the most i mport ant thing in your life. If you shut off
your feelings now and go back i nt o your iceberg, you may never get to them
again. When someone begins to realize how t urned off he is and seeks
professional help, it' s usually a major step in his life.
if your feeling space doesn' t seem "mor e t han you can handl e, " just
return to it again later; it will be different then. Come back to it just as you
do with your breathing . . . a little at a t i me. In this way, you will be able to
work through the feeling; soon it will no longer bot her you.
I've talked mostly about the emot i ons t hat go with this work. Ot her
feelings t hat will arise, whether working alone or with your partner, are bodily
feelings. As you breat he, you tingle and vibrate. Your body begins t o t wi t ch.
Sometimes the energy gets so strong you feel t hat you j ust can' t contain
yourself. If so, stand up and j ump around, turn some music on and dance . . .
let the energy out , let it go.
if the vibrations become so st rong t hat you feel t hat t hey' re
overwhelming, put yourself on your side in a fetal position, curled up like a
baby, and j ust lie there, breathing slowly . . . your breat hi ng, tingling,
everything, will calm down in a couple of minutes. You have a safety valve;
you can always shut the energy off. If your partner gets i nt o this space, many
times by just having him curl up in the fetal position and holding him, you
can be of help. Put your arms around him very much like you hold a baby,
not around his head, but around his body.
What if these exercises don' t work? You might say, "I' ve done all of
the breathing, and I do my pelvic movement s, then I j ump in bed, and as soon
as I look at my girlfriend I go off." Or, "I work as hard as I can and I still
can' t have an orgasm. I've tried all your suggestions; you' r e full of baloney. " It
may be that you' ve fallen i nt o a "performance t r a p" in your sexual
relationship, and you automatically act a certain way. The more you can stay
in t ouch with yourself during intercourse, the easier you can realize whether
this is what ' s happeni ng to you. Such a problem is, in my opinion, beyond the
scope of any book. If the exercises still seem to have no effect on you after
several weeks of work this could be a sign t hat some form of counseling would
be useful. These exercises were not designed for people who have a serious
problem with sex. There are sex clinics in most urban centers now which are
set up to help with just such difficulties.
In describing this set of exercises, I often need to distinguish one
partner from the ot her, and have run i nt o language difficulties. I tried "Part ner
A" and "Part ner B, " "Doer " and "Hel per , " etc. none of which are clear
enough. Nothing seemed adequately descriptive wi t hout being bul ky. I settled
on "act i ve" and "passi ve" as a compromi se, with the reservation t hat when I
use the word "passive" I am implying a passive (t hat is open, receptive)
Begin with your partner by deciding upon a series of times to meet ;
allow at least one to t wo hours for each session, perhaps three times a week.
My advice is t hat each of you take a full session or week of sessions in each
role as "act i ve" or "passive, " then switch roles for the next session or week of
sessions. Don' t try to trade roles after each exercise or you will lose your
energy charge and your r hyt hm.
You may not be able to work t hrough the entire sequence for several
sessions. If you do t hem all the first session, you are working t oo fast and
need to spend more time on each exercise, if you can, imagine yourself moving
in slow motion - t hat ' s the way this work should be done.
The sequence up to lifting and rocking the pelvis may be accomplished
perhaps in the first t wo hours; from rocking the pelvis up to and including
grounding should take anot her hour. Start each session at the beginning exercise
each time... don' t go on from where you left off the previous session
because that would leave part of your body unenergized that time. The
"get t i ng acquai nt ed" exercises need only be done for the first session or so -
after t hat , skip t hem and go directly to your breathing and movement .
As you do these exercises, you may sometimes find t hat you will want
to take more time with the breathing sequence, to get your breath energy up,
and therefore will have to ext end your total exercise t i me. Some of the
breathing exercises you did when working alone can easily be used for this
One possible way of working so that you won' t have to stop and refer
back to the book all the time is to record an outline of the exercise sequence
on a tape recorder. Perhaps there will be some things t hat you wish to leave
out . . . or to add from the chapt er on Working Alone.
Take your time, relax i nt o the exercises and enjoy!
Working with a Partner
When exercising with a partner, it is not necessary to work in the nude.
In fact nudity sometimes gets in the way. if it t urns out that this is the case,
that your nudi t y creates unreal expectations, then put some clothes on.
The most i mpor t ant thing is to get used to being with anot her person.
Being with anot her means accepting where he or she is . . . not expecting
anything, demanding anything, feeling any demand on yourself or put t i ng any
expectations on yourself. When this is possible, when you can really look at
the other person with accept ance, wi t hout maki ng a demand, then it is possible
to begin to work together, if you can' t do this, then you should discuss what
it is that keeps you from doing it. Name what it is you want from the other
person; make your demands explicit. Consider this an i mport ant part of the
exercise and try to get to a place free of demands before you begin.
Sensing another. After you have established your relationship verbally,
the first thing to do is to lie down together, each with a hand on the ot her' s
belly close to the solar plexis, and feel the ot her person' s rhyt hm. You may
notice quite a bit of nervousness now and t hat your partner' s belly might be
quivering slightly. In this position, you can feel his heart and how it beats.
You can feel his exci t ement . Lie this way for at least five mi nut es by t he
clock ... until your r hyt hms have begun to flow together. At this point you' ll
notice that your breaths seem to come somewhat at the same time. Don' t
make any effort to have this happen. Just lie still and pay at t ent i on to the
ot her person' s breath r hyt hm.
Eye-alogue. This
is a silent, no-sound-at-all
exercise. Sit up, as in the
illustration, join hands
and look at each other. As
you join hands, do so in
bit and begin to look in each ot her' s eyes to establish the feeling of presence.
By "presence" I mean are you here? Is your partner here? It is possible to be
present in the body, physically in the room, but not present with your whole
Sometimes j ust being present with anot her person is enough to cause
you to become nervous, turn off, go away, close up, or alter or st op your
breathing. Look at the ot her person; see if she' s present, and acknowledge her.
Continue this eye-alogue for a time; cont i nue to make cont act . (An eye-alogue
' s similar to a dialogue; the difference is t hat you use your eyes only.)
Remember, don' t talk during this exercise . . . j ust look.
Now each of you close your eyes and put your at t ent i on i nt o your
body, inside yourself. Try to find your center, a place of calmness inside
such a way that you hold each other equally. You are not holding your
partner' s hands any more than she is holding yours. Sit in this position for a
yourself. Experience what it is like to be with yourself. Stay "t her e" for at
least a mi nut e. Now come back to the present. Open your eyes and be aware
of your partner again. What is it like to be " her e?" How do you feel here?"
Compare this "her e" with your "t her e, " your inner self. Go inside again.
Experience your "i nsi de" more fully . . . come back again . . . open your eyes
now, and again make contact with your partner. Each of you can continue to
shuttle back and forth between the " her e" and the "t her e, " comparing your
inner experience with your out er.
This contact and withdrawal shuttling can be very useful to you, in
several ways. By withdrawing briefly from a situation i nt o your physical
experience or your inner self, you can usually get some rest and support; then
you can come back to the present with more energy . . . you can cope better.
Many times you' ll discover "t her e" inside what is missing "her e. " I'll talk a bit
more about cont act and withdrawal in the chapter on Losing Your Mind.
Now, come and be present in the " her e" with your partner, and bring
your at t ent i on t o your hands and to those of your part ner.
Silent conversation with hands. Imagine that your hands can speak or
have a voice. Find out about your partner by letting your imagined
"hand-voi ce" speak to your partner, then allow your partner' s hands to
"answer. " Each partner imagines a conversation bet ween the hands, but neither
speaks out loud. A conversation could go like t hi s: "I ' m holding you tightly
because I feel nervous and I feel your calmness reassuring me. " Your partner' s
hands might answer: "Please don' t be afraid; I will not hurt you, " or "I t oo
am tense and am holding on to you. " Cont i nue this imagined dialogue as long
as your hands can express what you feel; then talk about these exercises with
your partner. Tell him what has been happening in you and how you are
feeling right now. Talk about your feelings during the "eye-al ogue" t oo and
how they changed or di dn' t change when you went "i nsi de" . . . talk about
what your hand "sai d" and what his hand "answer ed" during your silent
conversation with hands.
Many people, when they describe what ' s between their hands, refer to
their part ner' s head as "i t , " an object. And t hat ' s how they treat someone else.
So if you described what you held between your hands as an "i t , " t hat ' s how
you held the person . . . as "I - i t . " Look at your partner and say al oud: "I
- it," still holding ont o his head. This will give you a feeling for what it' s like
to treat a person as an object.
I — Thou. Now put your hands on bot h sides of your part ner' s head
while he puts his hands on either side of your head. Describe to each other
what' s between your hands. Do this before reading further.
Now, try anot her st at ement . . . "I — you. " Say "I - you" to your
partner a couple of times. This will establish what it' s like to treat a person
not as an object, but as anot her person. "I — you" involves a separateness, a
" you" out t here. "I — you" is still not relational.
Now try "1 — t hou. " Martin Buber said in his book, I - Thou, that
when " t hou" is spoken there is no thing for an object. When there is a thing
there exists anot her thing; both things are bound by each ot her. An "i t " can
only exist through being bounded by anot her "i t . " But when " t hou" is spoken,
there is no "t hi ng, " no "i t , " for " t hou" has no bounds. The speaker has taken
a stand in relation to another. If you treat anot her as an object, you treat
yourself also in that manner; but in the I - Thou relationship there is a sense
of caring for anot her as you care for yourself.
A relational process is t aki ng place which bot h of you are sharing. The
" t hou" implies t hat a little of you is in me, and a little of me is in you, and
we share t hat relationship with the infinite being. It' s a " t hou" that experiences
both of us together. This experience - of both of us together in the "I -
Thou relationship — I want to encourage! This is a good exercise for opening
up to your friend or mat e. Again, talk to your partner of your feelings about
this exercise, about knowing him as " Thou. "
Sensing another's energy. Sit opposite your partner on the floor. Now
rub your hands together rapidly for a mi nut e to generate heat and energy in
your hands.
Put your hands up next to each ot her, about a quarter-of-an-inch to an inch
apart . You will feel the ot her person' s presence or "vi brat i ons, " even
t hough you don' t t ouch her hands. Close your eyes now and with your hands
still almost-together, feel t he ot her person' s presence wi t h your hands. Ext end
this to a movement or "dance; " don' t t ouch, but be aware of where t he ot her
person is. Keep your eyes closed during this " dance" and you' ll find out who' s
leading. Keep silent during the exercise; talking will only distract you. Take
t urns; let the lead come from one of you, then flow to the other. Allow your
movement s to be slow and gentle. Start on your knees; move to a standing
position. Allow this movement to happen. You are getting in touch with your
partner' s sensitivity to you and with your sensitivity to her. It' s amazing how
much you can sense with your eyes closed.
Now share your experiences verbally with your partner; talk about what
you discovered about yourself and about her. Share how it felt to be active or
passive, the follower or the leader.
For the rest of these exercises, one partner will be "act i ve" and the
other "passive. " (Remember bot h partners are actually active participants in this
process.) Choose which of you wishes to be "passi ve" first; you' ll switch places
later so both of you will experience bot h roles. All 'the exercises in this chapter
are directed to the "act i ve" participant to read to the "passive" partner, who
does them.
Saying "Hello" without words. The "passi ve" partner begins by lying on
her back with her knees up, in the breathing position. The "act i ve" partner
The most i mport ant thing you can do for yourself is be with another
" t hou, " wi t h t hat part of t he ot her person that shares with you this time and
space dimension called " now. " Your caring for your partner helps you get into
t hat place. Keep your hands next to your partner' s ears for a mi nut e or so.
kneels behi nd, and begins by merely put t i ng his hands next to his partner' s
ears, somewhat in the way t he sensitivity "dance" is done . . . not touching,
but at a distance, allowing her to feel the presence of his hands.
touch your partner and while you are with your partner, you will certainly
promot e t he proper at mosphere for doing these exercises.) As you hold, begin
to breathe with her. The receptive or passive partner just breathes normally,
while you begin to make your breath move with her breat h. Notice any tension
in your own body, where you feel tight as you' re breathing. Watch your
partner' s chest and belly move. If you review the chapt er on Breathing and
Movement you' ll underst and what you should be seeing now . . . her breat h as
a "wave. " Slowly, as you mat ch your partner' s breath rhyt hm to your own,
you' ll find t hat you can feel in your own body where she is holding on.
Now hold your part ner' s head. (If you can continually keep in mi nd t he
word holding and experience the care t hat this word implies, in the way you
Developing a breathing pattern. Now you are going to help your partner
develop a smooth breathing pat t ern. Without t ouchi ng your partner, put your
hand over any tight area you see on your part ner' s body. Your partner will
feel the energy from your hand. Many times this energy will enable her to
relax her body.
The upper chest, in the clavicle area, and the lower chest, at the solar
plexus, are constricted in many people, so just rest your fingers on these areas
and, as your partner exhales, add a little pressure first on one area, then the
other, to encourage her to let the air out compl et el y and use this increased
torso space for bet t er breathing.
Now as your partner takes a breat h, push down on the chest with the
palm of your hand, increasing your pressure as the air is expressed out and
decreasing it as she inhales. Regulate your pressure to follow her breathing
movement . Stay sensitive to her rhythm. Work in this way until her breathing
seems deeper, more regular; about 5 mi nut es should do.
her belly up, to t ouch your hands. What you' re trying to do now is make your
partner aware t hat she should be breathing with her chest first and then with
her belly, with both of t hem going down together on the exhalation. However,
if your partner breathes belly first and chest second, then both down, go along
with that sequence. As 1 explained in your first exercises, some people are
"belly" breathers and will go belly first. The i mport ant thing is that bot h parts,
chest and belly, participate in a complete breat h.
Now, as her chest and belly go down together, push down and help expel
the air out . You' ll find t hat as you do this your partner may begin to " hol d"
Now put one hand over your partner' s belly and one hand over her
chest and again bring your awareness to the belly-chest area. Do not t ouch her
at first. The "passive" partner, as she inhales, brings her chest up first and then
in t he chest by tightening some chest muscles, if you t ake bot h hands and put
t hem j ust above the chest (just below the clavicle) and add pressure just at the
final tip of the exhal at i on, it will force the upper chest to participate in the
upper chest where the musculature is, this will help your partner a great deal
to "let go. " As you work on tight areas in his chest, your partner should be
breathing deeper, and his body should be more relaxed.
The pectoralis muscles of the chest sometimes become qui t e tense, so if
you can massage the muscles of the chest j ust above the breast area, in the
if you' re working with a man, remember these are very heavy muscles
and if you' re smaller than he is, you might have to add qui t e a bit of pressure
to be effective. Don' t worry, you' re not going to break any ribs, but you are
going to assist him to begin to use his chest better in his breathing pattern. So,
as he takes a breath in, take your pressure off the chest, and then lean
forward, putting your body pressure ont o his chest to help force that breath
out .
tension is held in t he neck, in t he muscles running up the back and along the
side of the head. Pressure and massage in these areas greatly reduces the amount
Your part ner now may begin to feel a tingling in the face and some
tingling in the hands, as in the exercises when working alone. Many times
of tension. Use your hands, not j ust your fingers, to massage the back of the
neck, lifting up with your strokes.
Come up the back of the neck to the back of the head and the muscle
at the at t achment of the scalp, where a great deal of tension is held.
By the time you get here, you may find that your partner has st opped
breathing. If so, go back, start the breathing pattern again by placing your
hand on your partner' s chest , and work through each exercise back up to this
one Once the breathing pattern has been re-established, and your part ner' s
tolerance for being t ouched has increased, go again to the neck and continue to
loosen it up, using light pressure and circular mot i ons to massage the area.
Now we move the massage to the face. Begin by put t i ng your thumbs
together in the middle of the forehead, the rest of your hands resting on the
temples. Stroke the brow, bringing your t humbs alongside the brow and down
across the eyebrows.
Do this a number of t i mes.
When you get to the sides of the head, use the heel of your hand to massage along
the temple and the side of the head area. This muscle, the temporalis, is used when
you bite down, and a great deal of holding takes place in this area.
Always carry the strokes on around to the sides of the head. Go below the eyes
and start at the sides of the nose . . .
again the stroke is carried
around the sides of the face.
Now bring your t humbs across the upper lip, beginning at the cent er,
and massage along the sides of the jaw.
Massage the muscle in the jaw in little circular mot i ons. Then do the lower jaw
t he same way, going around the chin to the muscles of the j awbone. This facial
massage helps to break down the "mask of hol di ng, " and a great many feelings
If your partner feels like crying, encourage t hat emotion by holding his
face with bot h hands.
come up, including feelings of relaxation and comfort. As these feelings come
up again your part ner' s breathing will tend to catch and st op, so go back to
your beginning breat h work again, paying at t ent i on to the upper chest in
It is important at this point that the "passive" partner communicate
where she' s feeling her tension, and her feelings regarding the amount of
pressure t hat you are using in your massage. For some, a light pressure is
almost a tickling feeling as opposed to being relaxing. And t oo firm a touch on
the face may be uncomfortable. So it' s i mport ant at this time that the
"passive" or receptive person point out where it is that she want s more, or less,
pressure. What area does she feel is still tense in her chest, and in her
breathing? What parts of her body are tingling; are there any vibrations or
twitching? if there is, it means that the muscles are letting go. The tingling
sensations are i mpor t ant , and the more area of the body t hey cover, the bet t er
her energy flow. Have her shake her legs if she feels like it. The Knee Drop
exercise is also good to use here.
Back to back bend. This is an exercise for developing trust as well as a
good way of openi ng the chest and body so t hat it is moving and breathing
more freely. Begin by standing back to back and interlocking your arms, if you
are the "act i ve" part ner, get in a position so that your partner' s but t ocks are
on a level with your lower back. Now lean over with slightly bent knees and
lift, supporting your part ner' s weight with your legs . . . not with your back,
but with your legs. Differences in size really don' t cause a great deal of
problem as long as the "passive" part ner' s weight is placed over the "act i ve"
part ner' s legs. (The weights of our models were about 200 lbs. on t op, and 115
lbs. for the lifter.)
As your partner takes a breat h, bring his arms down. With his
exhal at i on, the arms should be raised. Do this at least ten times, and you'll
Begin to see how much it stimulates your part ner' s chest. His legs shoul d be
dangling or hanging, and his head resting on yours. Encourage him to just
completely let go.
I strongly recommend t hat anyone who has any kind of back problems
at all not try this exercise. It is not absolutely necessary to do this one, but it
is a marvelous exercise to do for building up trust as well as opening up the
"passi ve" partner' s body, if your height or weight differences are t oo great
have your partner do Over the Barrel instead.
When you' ve gotten this far with the exercises, and your breathing is
good, you are ready to begin the pelvic movement s. The "passive" partner
should be lying again on her back, knees up. Her breathing should be "going;"
tingling should be well st art ed. Go around and place your knees so that they
support or fit in under your partner' s but t ocks. It is extremely i mport ant to
make this cont act - your knee cap against her but t ocks. Now say "hel l o" by
holding her hands or her feet, or bot h. Rest here and allow both your breathing
pat t erns to settle at this point. Make eye cont act and pay at t ent i on to your
own feelings now. Check your partner' s breathing; you may find that you' ll
have to go back and help your partner start her breathing sequence again.
Now it is time for the "passive" participant to mentally shift the
"origin" of her breath down to her genital area, as she did in the exercises for
working alone. From here on, she must imagine her breath is drawn in and
expelled out through her genitals as she moves.
Starting the breathing again. Place your hand on your part ner' s chest
this time you' re in a different position . . . just place your arm between his
legs ... and get his breathing started again. If at this point your partner has
any difficulty getting his breathing under control because of the new and
possibly strange positioning, it is best to j ust sit and comfort abl y wait again
one or two minutes. Remember, there is no hurry. Usually the breathing will
j ust start again. If your partner has difficulty sometimes it' s useful to just bring
your hand up to the chest and have your partner pant with her chest. This is
one of the best ways to rapidly increase energy flow. The sequence is the same
as in working alone; pant six short pants, then one long exhalation. See page
75 if you don' t remember how.
When the breathing pattern has again been established and is smoothly
moving, begin pelvic rocking. Keep in mind that no one can bring energy in tc
the body from the out si de; movement has to originate from within. All you dc
here is just rest your hands on your partner' s pelvis . . . putting your thumb:
on the crest of the iliac and the forefingers around t he sides. As your partner.
breathes, emphasize the rotation of her pelvis by placing your hands under her
buttocks and lifting up with her exhal at i on, then back down with the breath in.
This movement is slow and very, very smoot h. Concentrate on it for at
least five mi nut es, doi ng the movement and breathing, the passive partner
making a sound as she exhales . . . back and forth. You' ll find that as she does
this her breathing pat t ern may change again. Both of you should be breathing
in unison at this t i me. If you feel as though your breath is tightening, hers
probably is t oo. Both of you should stop and concent rat e on getting her breath
going again. It is a mat t er of relaxing, allowing the breath to open so that the
pelvis moves each t i me a breath is taken - moving back with the breath in and
forward as the breath goes out .
After a while, your partner can begin to emphasize and accentuate this
movement, bringing the pelvis up more. As this is done, areas in her body
might begin to become more tense. It is your partner' s responsibility to let you
know where these areas are. Go back to any tense area and work t here, adding
These exercises must proceed slowly. Sometimes nothing needs to be
done; sometimes nothing should happen, if you can j ust hold your partner's
a little pressure and massage. Emphasis to these areas . . . perhaps to the face,
abdomen or the back of the neck, can begin to loosen them. If you can give
some reassurance to your partner in this way, it is extremely helpful.
doing. Being with anot her person is extremely i mport ant ; often this is enough
to enable the person to feel his tension and let go.
hand and let him know that you' re there, you may accomplish as much as all
of the manipulation, all of the movement , all of the breathing you have been
Don't climb over your partner! In your eagerness to be with your
partner, you may be t empt ed to lean over to say something or j ust be closer
.. . this may give your partner a feeling of being smot hered or pinned down or
being pushed in some way. Avoid, in any case, the possibility of getting on top
of your part ner, keeping her down.
Rocking pelvis with legs. Sometimes at this point your partner's
breathing and pelvic movement s begin to get so tense and tight it becomes
difficult for her pelvis to move. A way to loosen it is to take your part ner' s
legs and with a little push and pull mot i on, rock your partner' s whole body
back and forth. Do this about six times, then stop and push on her heels as
she exhales so that she begins to feel the
"gr oundi ng" sequence. See page 80 if you' ve
forgotten what grounding is.
if your partner' s legs are t oo heavy for you to hold this long, rest his
feet on your thighs and rock yourself back and forth t oo! This puts your
whole body right into it and lessens your effort. The Knee Circle and Knee
Drop exercises from Working Alone are sometimes useful at this point. See
page 87.
Moving the energy to the ground. Ret urn again to t he pelvic rock. Rest
your hands on your part ner' s knees while she does pelvic rocking and
breathing. Breathe in unison with her and remi nd her to keep thinking of
breathing in and out through the genitals. Now as your partner exhales, put
pressure on her legs, directing it t oward her feet for 2 or 3 mi nut es so that she
increases her consciousness of her feet touching the floor.
Pelvic lift. Your partner cont i nues to breathe and to move, but now at
the end of the exhalation, the pelvic lift is done. Your partner imagines
blowing the air out the genitals as he exhales and raises his hips up as high as
possible at the same t i me. This is t he same exercise that you did in Working
Alone, page 75. The difference is that you are now reinforcing your partner' s
grounding by stroking up his thighs and pushing down on his knees as he lifts
his pelvis and exhales. As your partner reaches the heightened position, he
should stay there for awhile . . . until he feels like coming back down. While
holding the " u p " position, his pelvis may vibrate or bounce. Allow this to happen.
It is merely a natural reflex action. As he inhales, he slowly cocks his pelvis
back, coming back down to a beginning position, then exhales and lifts back up
again. All this time, you can encourage the feeling of grounding by pushing
down on his legs. Do this 6-8 times.
Some of the exercises from Working Alone can be done at this point to
reinforce the grounding concept, such as Squatting, Bioenergetic Bends, or Up
Against the Wall.
On all fours. Once you have established the groundi ng sequence, you
can do this exercise the same way as in Working Alone, only this time you
hold your partner' s pelvis so t hat you can feel the movement as she comes
forward, making sure the pelvis is rot at i ng properly with the breathing. Do this
about 8-10 times.
Following this, have your partner lie on her back, legs down, and get
completely relaxed. Just completely let go.
Now verbally share the experiences and feelings that you have had
during the exercises.
The sequence you have j ust been through has been a way for you to
experience and increase your excitement in the presence of anot her person. The
major emphasis in these exercises, as in love-making, has been to focus on your
relationship, sensing another, responding, sharing yourself, being with another,
and yet always taking the responsibility for your own exci t ement .
Trust your body. As you work through these exercises again and again,
your body will naturally i ncorporat e the basic breath and movement patterns
i nt o your life. Therefore, do not worry about whet her you' ve got the sequence
right; do not even think about the exercises except when you' re doing them.
Do t hem with your full at t ent i on, then go away from t hem, giving your
at t ent i on to your regular life activities; your body will do the rest.
"Masturbate, Participate and Enj oy" . . . This bumper sticker i s the
major thought I wish to convey. The idea that masturbation is bad, harmful, or
detrimental in any way, I hope, is as ant i quat ed as the source of the concept s
from which it came. Since you may not know why masturbation has been so
condemned in our culture, let me tell you some of the story.
Back in 1758 a Frenchman named Tissot wrote a book called,
"L'Onanisme: Dissertation sur les Maladies Produites par la Masturbation (The
Sicknesses Produced By Masturbation). Within a few years this work was
reproduced in all of the major European languages, and more than thirty
editions were published in t hat cent ury. N. Samuel Auguste Andre-David Tissot,
professor of medicine and a member of the Royal Society of London, Paris,
Milan and St ockhol m, was a knowledgeable writer on almost every aspect of
medicine. His opinion exert ed a significant influence on the sexual at t i t udes of
his contemporaries, and still affects us t oday.
Tissot' s work views masturbation as catastrophically harmful to a person,
producing "weak eyes, pimples, constipation, epilepsy, weakness of the
intellectual faculties, sexual and genital di sorders, " and a full range of
hypochondriacal and hysterical sympt ons. In fact, since Tissot, almost every ill
of t he body, to say not hi ng of the mind or society, has at one time or another
been blamed on mast urbat i on. Tissot' s principle argument against masturbation
was that the "vital seed" is lost in ejaculation, which is physiologically harmful
The physiological model upon which Tissot based this at t i t ude was very
universal in primitive cultures. In fact, it appears quite forcefully in
Hippocrates, whom Tissot quot ed and relied upon. Briefly, the theory was that
the nervous system is composed of a set of very fine tubes through which
circulate the "soma hor mont a, " or "corpse exci t ant . " The idea was that the
loss of semen was a loss of this soul substance, which circulates within the
body to maintain life. "Seed l oss" in mast urbat i on was harmful because the
mot i ons of mast urbat i on were more violent than those of coitus, resulting in
excessive excitation, analogous to epilepsy. Also, it was felt that in
mast urbat i on t he seed loss was not replenished.
Tissot believed that t here was an invisible current flowing between two
people during intercourse, and that an exchange through the pores and an
intromission of the vital breath restored the vigor, the "soma hormonta, "
whereas masturbation is solitary, with no inhalation exchange for replenishment
of the "seed. " It is interesting to note t hat mast urbat i on was as forcefully
condemned for females as it was for males, even after the discovery in 1827,
by Gal ue, of the ovum which proved that females did not have semen and,
therefore, their "vital seed" could not be lost.
Even though cont emporary approval of mast urbat i on is overwhelming,
there remains a curious remnant of the ancient at t i t ude in many books . ..
subtle put-downs, such as "mast urbat i on fantasies lead one to introverted,
schizoid withdrawal, and away from real life and l ove" or "although
masturbation is normal in childhood and adolescence, it is not mature
behavi or" or "it prevents, in women, vaginal orgasms" or "an element of
addiction is present in auto-eroticism because the phenomenon of ejaculation is
accompanied by a sense of sexual pleasure." More subtle yet: "Moderate
auto-eroticism, by either sex, is a satisfying means of allaying physiological
tension, and brings peace of mind, or even increased work efficiency. It is as
ffective as moderat e sexual relations in marriage. There is but one difference.
The opposite sex partner is actually present in cohabitual relations whereas in
auto-eroticism, it does not exist. In this sense, auto-eroticism is definitely an
unnatural act." (!)
Ironically, I feel Tissot was approaching the right track when he said
that masturbation was "solitary, and there was no inhalation exchange. " It is
not true t hat you have to have a partner to replenish your energy supply, but
for many people masturbation does create a problem. Most mast urbat i on,
particularly in adolescents, is done alone, quickly, silently. Breathing is inhibited
by "holding on" and hurrying, many times because of the fear of discovery.
Contrary to Tissot, this is the probl em, not t he loss of vital seed.
The Kinsey report s not ed a high frequency of masturbation t hroughout
adult life among people who enjoy ot her forms of sexual activity as well. Kinsey
pointed out that many adults who are not immature in any realistic sense do
masturbate, and there is no sense in refusing to recognize this fact. There are
reliable statistics to show that mast urbat ory activity precedes, runs parallel with,
and succeeds hetero-sexual activity in human life, and that it goes on from
infancy i nt o very old age. For many people, it is the only form of sexual
outlet. After heterosexual intercourse, masturbation is the next most frequent
form of sexual activity in the general popul at i on. Perhaps no ot her natural,
normal, healthy human activity has received such t remendous and horrible
condemnations, puni shment s and t ort ures down through history, ranging from
surgical removal of the clitoris, to restraints, both physical and mental . . .
actions which make the Inquisition look like kindergarten. Even today,
masturbation is for many people one of the most guilt-producing activities
experienced in their lifetime.
Almost all current sex manuals and literature offer some reference or
support to relieve these guilt feelings, and yet there persists among most people
t h e need to feel guilty over masturbation. Ot t o Fenichel, a noted
psychoanalyst, states t hat in adolescence and in later life, fears and guilt
feelings are frequently still connect ed with mast urbat i on, and there is even a
distinct resistance on the part of patients t oward enl i ghtenment about the
harmless nature of mast urbat i on.
Most people are aware of their "gui l t " feelings toward masturbation
feelings which may well have come from repressive social, religious, or medical
at t i t udes that have been around for years. However, 1 would like to propose a
new explanation for mast urbat ory guilt feelings.
Since most of the time people masturbate with their bodies completely
pas s i ve a nd t he i r geni t al s stimulated by their hands, their action
(psychologically) makes a split within them - that is, hands active - body passive;
hands doing - body done unt o. In a sense this is similar to many kinds of human
relationships; sexual relationships in particular may fall into this category. One
person is the active partner, the other is the passive recipient of the action, or
in many cases, the passive resister, who through passivity allows himself or
herself to be used. In relationships where this game is played, usually the
passive recipient becomes dissatisfied, upset, angry, or enraged, blames her
dissatisfaction on the other person, and feels as if she is being used as an
The passive part ner' s anger usually takes the form of guilt slinging: "if
you really loved me you' d know what I want and satisfy me . . . since 1 am
not satisfied you don' t love me . . . if you don' t love me you hate me .. . if
you hat e me I've done somet hi ng wrong; therefore I'm guilty . . . I should be
puni shed. " In this way, one transfers his anger or blame from his partner back
to himself.
The most explicit exampl e of rage in the passive partner can be found
in cases of rape. (I have never seen more "st or ed" rage expressed than in
therapy sessions dealing with experiences of rape). Although it is well
established t hat there are many cases of rape in which the victim is forced to
comply, there are a considerable number in which the victim is a passive
participant, in both the act and the provocation.
Well, in a sense, you are being raped by your hands during many forms
of mast urbat i on, and since you are the rapist, your anger is then put on
yourself. Anger t urned inward on oneself is expressed as depression or the
feeling that "I am being punished. " if one is punished, one must be guilty.
Down through history, guilt about masturbation has been support ed by
the church. In the five medieval Penitential Codes, there are t went y-t wo
paragraphs dealing with various aspects of sexual behavior - such as sodomy and
bestiality - and there were twenty-five paragraphs dealing with mast urbat i on for
laymen . . . as well as others for the clergy!
If you want to feel guilty about sex, your at t i t ude toward masturbation
is the most popular way to do it. But, if you are through with the eighteenth
century and not t oo interested in self-flagellation, it is worthwhile taking a
look at the more positive aspects of mast urbat i on.
When no other sexual outlet is available, the advantages of masturbation
are obvious, but even when other sexual release is available, mast urbat i on can
mean the difference between mediocre or unsatisfactory sexual relations and a
full, compl et e orgastic relationship. The fact is that if a woman can learn to
relax enough to have an orgasm by masturbating, she is more likely to have
satisfying and more frequent orgasms with a sexual partner. Kinsey' s statistics
indicate that, generally, women who mast urbat e regularly during adolescence
and adul t hood seem to have bet t er socio-sexual adjustments, regardless of age
or marital status. Besides this, mast urbat i on is a good way for a woman to
become more aware of which parts of her body give her the most pleasure, and
what kind of manipulation in the genital area gives the quickest arousal, or the
most effective means towards the next orgastic cycle. Thus, she can better
communi cat e her needs to her part ner, or shift her own body and movement
to achieve more pleasure.
Masturbation is the surest, most frequent way in which the female
reaches orgasm. It requires no adjustments to a partner. Once she' s learned the
t echni que, a woman has a quick means of reaching an orgasm to relieve
congestion and muscular tension in the pelvis. Many women can achieve an
orgasm by crossing their legs or placing a pillow or other object between their
legs and squeezing to afford pleasure. This allows movement of the hips but
unfort unat el y sets up a pattern of squeezing to activate an orgasm; it prevents
the openness and receptiveness which leads to heightened orgasm. Squeezing
retards the possibility for compl et e release in orgasm as well as the further
buildup necessary to achieve anot her orgasm, or multiple orgasms.
For men who participate in it wholly, mast urbat i on can relieve sexual
tension which builds and hinders their ability to tolerate excitement with a
partner. This excess sexual excitement many times leads to premature
ejaculation and unsatisfactory speed in the sexual relationship. Anot her virtue in
masturbation is that it can be a way of coping with the disparate rhythms of
partners, where one does not wish to have as much sex as the other.
I feel it is possible to use this knowledge to your advantage by learning
to pay at t ent i on to your experience of masturbating: notice when you stop
your breathing and when you hold on.
1 advocate full use of your fantasies for the highest enjoyment in
mast urbat i on. Most of us have very vivid fantasy worlds. Practice exercising yours.
Allow yourself to go with any of the fantasies that you enjoy. If you need to
have more stimulation for your fantasy worl d, there is a great deal of literature
that is available to turn you on. The point that I want to emphasize is t hat a
an exciting fantasy is no crime.
Pick a place where you won' t be disturbed. Get yourself in the mood with
"whatever turns you on. " Begin by exploring your whole body. It may be very
useful to have a mirror to look at yourself. Many people have never taken the
time or had the courage to really see what their genitals, much less their whole
body, looks like. Look at and feel your entire body; then bring your awareness
to your genitals, your anus, and the peri neum, the space between your anus
and genitals. Explore these areas; you may discover something new and
exciting. Learn about your body.
Another suggestion to get a new perspective on your body is to take a
shower in total darkness . . . feel your body and pay at t ent i on now when the
lights go on. You will be aware of much more than you were before.
Now begin your breathing pattern until your energy flow, tingling, and
vibrations are well established. Then add the proper pelvic movement. Do your
movement exercises to the point where you are moving freely. Be sure that
your legs are up so that your extensor muscles can move, that your body is
supported, and t hat you can move your pelvis. Don' t stimulate your genitals
yet (this includes your breasts, both men and women) until you really have your
whole body feeling the rush of energy that comes with good breathing and
movement. Now slowly begin to stimulate and explore your whole body with
your hands. Pay at t ent i on to your breathing; if it stops, start again! Remember
that essentially your skin is a sexually-based sense organ, and therefore your
whole body is basically an erogenous zone. For this reason, don' t go directly to
your genitals, give yourself some stroking pleasure ot her than on your genitals.
Learn which areas pleasure you. Become aware of what lubrications feel good
on your body - natural oils such as olive, al mond, or coconut , or even vaseline
are good. Try some of the body lotions or hand lotions, but be careful of any
lubricants that contain alcohol, for they can be an irritant to delicate mucus
tissue. Next, move to your genitals, slowly and with plenty of lubricant
(women can use their own vaginal lubricant at this point.) Pleasure yourself
now . . . you are in an active, participating, caring relationship with the most
important person in your life. That ' s you! Trust yourself.
The National Sex and Drug For um has a fine pamphlet on Masturbation
Techniques for Women. They have published it in response to the countless
women who say to their doct ors or counselors, "I just don' t feel anything. " In
it t hey recommend the use of an electric vibrator as part of their program of
mast urbat i on. I don' t . I feel t hat a vibrator can create t oo much excitation
from outside, from an external source, and that by using it you don' t allow
enough inner excitement to be generated. It is all right once or twice . . . try
i t , you' ll like it . . . but not as a steady diet. It will hinder you from building
your own sexual energy from the inside.
Pe o p l e have ma n y f e a r s a s s oc i a t e d with masturbation. My
recommendat i on to promot e mast urbat i on as an enjoyable adjunct to your
sexual life may bring some of yours forward. The most prevalent is, "I' m afraid
I might enjoy it t oo much, get stuck t her e. " Tolerating enjoyment is the whole
message in this book; so mast urbat i on offers an opport uni t y for you to practice
t hat enj oyment without shutting it off by psychologically putting guilt and
ot her pressure on yourself. Pleasure is not rationed. Give yourself permission to
experience what feels good to you. Begin to listen to your body and hear what
it want s, what feels good to it. The not i on that it is not as good as sex with a
partner is irrelevent. I am not advocating complete substitution of masturbation
for intercourse with a partner. What I am suggesting is t hat you can get some
added advantages with a practice t hat you probably use anyway, advantages
which will allow you to enjoy your life more.
Masturbation can be a source of insight for bot h you and your partner.
After all, you now know what pleases you; teach someone else. A couple that
can learn to mast urbat e each other effectively with just the right timing for
pleasure can accomplish a more creative and satisfying sexual union. The best
method of teaching is to demonst rat e for your partner. That will show him or
her your favorite strokes and positions. In intercourse it can be a means of
stiffening the man and bringing the woman to a preliminary peak before
penetration. Afterward it is useful for stimulation for anot her cycle or orgasm
for her and possibly for further arousal for him. A woman' s pleasurable areas
change quite often, so never assume that because you know what sent her in
orbit last time it will be the same this t i me. Always ask her first.
It is with this at t i t ude of discovery and sharing that masturbation can
make a major cont ri but i on to your relationship.
Joining Together
In most of the ot her chapters in this book I have talked a lot about
satisfying yourself, getting your own sexual energy flowing, and taking
responsibility for your own pleasure. Now t hat you have presumably done the
exercises bot h alone and with a partner and have mastered the arts of breathing
to build energy, of moving in coordi nat i on wi t h your breathing, of
communicating with verbal or non-verbal sounds as you breathe, and of
grounding to focus your energy, you are ready to graduate to the sack to see
how it works for you with your chosen sexual partner.
You are ready to "f or get " everything you' ve learned in this book!
At this point it is important to decongest your head of the details
you've learned; your body will remember very well if you' ve practiced your
exercises enough. Thinking can only interfere wi t h your sexual experience. If
you concentrate on any movement , you will eventually be unable to do it at
all. The way your golf swing goes to pieces after a lesson is a typical exampl e
of what I mean.
I can recall a dramatic group therapy session in which a man was asking
for instruction in every aspect of his life; he felt he needed guidance in order
to be absolutely correct. The therapist asked him to stand up and simply walk
in a circle. As he did this he was instructed in detail how to walk: "Now lift
your foot; no! no! Put your heel first, then the t oe, " et c. As he tried to
compl y, to do it the best way possible, he became absolutely paralyzed, unable
to move. He could not walk at all. This is what can happen to any natural
function if you concent rat e on it in t oo much detail. Don't let this happen to
your love-making. Your body is participating in a natural event and it will
automatically choose the easiest, simplest, and most natural thing once it has
experienced bot h your old pattern and your new exercises.
When I think about joining together, the main thing t hat comes to my
mind is not the mechanics of intercourse, or teaching some techniques for
stimulating exci t ement , but t he feeling that is involved in the sexual experience.
I think t he feeling and psychological aspects are as i mport ant , or even more so,
than actual intercourse. To me "love-making" is really an appropriate term in
this cont ext , for it implies t hat as you join together with your partner each of
you is expressing care, giving and allowing from your feelings deep inside - a
very beautiful experience.
I am well aware that sex doesn' t have to take this form to be fun. but
I feel t hat when it does the energy flow and excitement level will be significantly
higher and more rewarding, and the union much more fulfilling. I am, after
all, talking about the opt i mum total orgasm in this book, and love and deep
cont act are i mport ant , though not indispensible, ingredients.
Of course, there are many reasons for having sexual cont act besides just
the sexual drive. Many people seek ego satisfaction from the sexual experience
and feel satisfied when they have satisfied their partner. Some people just wish
to lie close to someone and be held, and are willing to have sex to get this
benefit. And some just have not hi ng else to do while the TV set is out being
repaired (or even while it' s on) . But to me, the ideal sexual uni on presupposes
the deepest mutual joining of love and care. The quality of a sexual
relationship is after all, an expression of your total relationship, so it follows
t hat the deeper your relationship the more intense your sexual experience will
By this I do not necessarily mean joining together in a permanent
relationship, or in one t hat has to go on year after year. What I' m talking
about is a quality of deepest meaning in the here and now . . . at this t i me.
What happens in the future no one knows. Right now, in your physical uni on,
there is no discrimination, no differences, no ot herness; there is no sense of
boundary between you and no sense of a separate person who must be not i ced
or approved, mani pul at ed or enjoyed.
This is the ultimate confluence, the compl et e joining. It is very much
like the smoke coming from a cigarette . . . as it goes i nt o the room at first it
seems to be a distinct figure or shape; then it fades and becomes part of the
air in the room . . . it becomes confluent with the room. Another example of
confluence: once you swallow your food it is no longer t here; you are no
longer aware of it (as long as it agrees with you) . It has become confluent,
part of you . .. inside of your borders. Now it becomes energy for your
Confluence at the high point of sexual union is wholly desirable. It is
that loss of ego which I talked about in the chapt er on Orgasm. A problem
arises when people try to ext end this confluence and live permanently in a
confluent relationship. Then they do not make personal contact with each
other. Many marriages are like this; the partners see themselves as one and can
stand little or no difference of opinion between t hem, if they disagree, they
have difficulty coming to a point of agreement by discussion, nor can they
agree to disagree. They must restore the disturbed confluence by any means,
usually it' s by repression, flight into isolation . . . i nt o a separateness t hat is a
sulking withdrawal, using any means to make the ot her person "give up. "
Anger and hostility are other ways of getting the other person to return to the
pattern of oneness, the confluence.
When t wo people are in contact, not confluence, they respect their own
as well as the ot her person' s way of being and welcome the animation and
excitement that comes with disagreement. Sexually speaking, then, I suggest
you use cont act exci t ement (charge built upon your differences) to build
tension until it is at its ultimate peak. Then seek confluence, a joining with the
other (not only physically but also in the deeper centers of each of you) , which can
become possible for that short time.
Because it is so i mport ant to understand the rhyt hm of the sexual
experience, I would like to discuss the differences between sensuality and
sexuality in relation to joining together . . . the ext remes of sensuality in the
sensualist and the ext remes of sexuality in the sexualist.
Sensuality is an i mport ant part of the sexual process. My exercises
certainly are aimed at building excitation and at allowing one to create more
tension, such as the sensualist would seek, but sensuality can become
an end in itself. The sensualist is less interested in the end pleasure of
his discharge (orgasm) than in the exploitation of the tension-creating steps of
the orgastic cycle. If you will remember, in the chapt er on Orgasm, Reich's
curve (see page 30) shows foreplay, then a gradual rising to a plateau, followed
by a discharge. All of this is part of the cycle that takes place in the sexual
experience; each phase is enjoyable in its own way. But it is possible to enjoy
one aspect of this curve more than another. The sensualists really enjoy the
first part of the curve . . . the foreplay, or the building of the charge . . . more
than their plateau or their discharge. Conversely, there are some people, the
sexualists, who care little about the foreplay or building the charge, and are
only interested in their discharge or orgasm.
Both types, the sensualist and the sexualist, frequently end up
dissatisfied. The sensualist keeps trying to bring his excitation to a high pitch
and to retain it at that state so that he is taken out of himself. Each failure is
seen as a lack of sufficient st i mul at i on. He keeps looking for bigger and better
ways to stimulate himself to an ecstasy that forever escapes him. He is left
unfinished and continually dissatisfied, only to try again.
The sexualist, in t urn, has his problems also. He wishes only for his
orgasm, but he doesn' t build the tension necessary to really have a satisfactory
discharge in the orgastic reflex, a complete letting go and a joining with his
partner. Therefore, he spends most of his life hopping from bed to bed, but is
rarely satisfied. Saying he, I mean he or she, of course.
The sensualist is limited in that he deals only with the surface . . . only
with what can be stimulated from the outside. He disregards the inner feelings
in the body that are the true source of complete satisfaction. Deep satisfaction
in sexual involvement involves the guts, the nerves, the mind, and the heart of
a person. These are t ouched only by allowing yourself to be with anot her
person in the deepest sense and make clear cont act . The sexualist misses true
satisfaction because he also avoids deep cont act . In his or her race to orgasm,
who has time? The novelty of a new partner is primarily a sensuous
phenomenon, but the sexualist in his const ant dissatisfaction will seek new
partners also. The buildup of a relationship of caring and deep contact that
can lead to heightened orgasms and more total resolution is missed by bot h.
I do not mean to label people or to catalogue t hem, and then discuss
them as some kind of pathological entity. I have ment i oned these possibilities
in order to emphasize the importance of the relational character of intercourse
and the enjoyment of all of its phases.
Keep in mind t hat each of us is different. Look at nat ure: copulation
takes place in many different ways depending on the species of the animal . . .
taking from a mat t er of seconds with gazelles or rabbits up to days with some
kinds of bears . . . involving intricate mating rituals in some, or immediate
coupling in others. So also in our own species everyone is different; it is
important to pay at t ent i on to your sexual partner' s r hyt hm. Become conscious
of where your partner fits into the sensuality vs. sexuality curve. Some people
require and want more time for foreplay than ot hers. Frank discussion is the
only way you can possibly begin to merge your r hyt hms together.
it is valuable to know some of the common signs of sexual arousal in
bot h sexes. For a man, it is quite obvious if he has an erection that something
is going on. The problem with the male does not lie in being able to tell when
he is aroused, but when he is overly aroused, when he has passed the "point of
no r et ur n" . . . t hat is, when he has entered the orgastic reflex portion of the
sexual cycle. Only the man himself can tell when t hat point has been reached
Masters and Johnson, in their work on human sexual inadequacy, developed a
technique called the "squeeze t echni que" t hat is designed to train the male to
gain more control over his point of no return.
The National Sex and Drug For um, at Glide Memorial Church, 330 Ellis
Street in San Francisco, has published an excellent little book called, "You Can
Last Longer" which teaches this technique. Briefly, t he technique consists of
the woman sitting between the man' s legs and stimulating the man either orally
or manually to the point of ejaculation. The male tells her that he has arrived
at the "poi nt of no r et ur n, " and she squeezes his penis by placing her thumb
just below the head on the side facing her, her index finger just above the
ridge of the head on the side away from her, her ot her fingers below the ridge;
she squeezes for eight to fifteen seconds, until his erection is somewhat
diminished. This is repeated four or five times for three sessions. By this time, t he
male has learned to recognize his point of no return. The next step is actual
vaginal cont act . The female, now sitting astride the man, stuffs his soft penis
into her vagina and wi t hout moving allows the man to have an erection and to
get used to being inside her. Then, when his point of no ret urn comes, she
withdraws his penis and squeezes it in the same manner as before. This is done
three times for three sessions. The couple can return to these exercises any
time the man needs to reinforce his cont rol over the point of no ret urn.
While severe difficulties with premat ure ejaculation are beyond
the scope of this book, the use of the breathing techniques I have presented
here are helpful in many less severe cases.
When you breat he deeply, you spread your excitement t hroughout your
body, not allowing it to remain strictly in the genitals. With the exci t ement
spread through the body, the chances of centering your sexual exci t ement in
the penis to the point of inevitable ejaculation, before complete exci t ement and
tension in your whole body are built, is greatly lessened. Premature ejaculation
is the result of t oo much excitement in the genitals. Slow deep breathing and
relaxed movement s, particularly as the pelvis is thrust forward, and compl et e
relaxation of the anus before the return of the pelvis, is i mport ant for the
prevention of premat ure ejaculation.
For a woman, the signs of sexual arousal are not quite so out st andi ng,
but they are clear and should be not i ced. The most noticeable anatomical
response will be in her breasts. In the exci t ement phase, look for nipple
erection, and as she approaches the plateau phase, a kind of a measle-like rash
or vascular flush appears, at first just on the lower breast surfaces. As orgasm
approaches, this rash-like flush t ends to spread, and then ret urns to normal
after her resolution. Somet i mes this is hard to see, depending on the woman' s
skin character. During excitement, the aureola (the colored area around the
nipples) becomes puffy and engorged, and the breast itself increases from
one-fifth to one-fourth over its normal proport i ons. The bluish veins and
markings on her breasts may become more noticeable also.
As for genital anatomical responses in women, the labia tends to spread
sideways as she approaches her plateau phase, making her vaginal outlet more
accessible for intercourse. Perhaps one of the most i mport ant aspects of female
exci t ement is the secretion of moisture i nt o the vagina from glands in the
vaginal lining, with the obvious purpose of lubrication for penetration. This
information, although el ement ary, is extremely i mport ant to have in mind in
order that smoot h, rhythmical sexual joining can t ake place. Further detailed
information can be found in most sex manuals.
The sensuality of the sexual encounter can be greatly enhanced if your
skin, which is an organ of perception as much as any other sensing organ, is
utilized to its fullest during foreplay. Stroking can be combined with the
breathing you learned in the exercises . . . light stroking motions are good along
the limbs and on the back. I recommend skin stimulation rather than direct
genital stimulation in the beginning of foreplay. It is good to continue this
stimulation even after penetration; the loving touch should not be forgotten.
Stroking and touching are natural phenomena, yet during intercourse many
people focus entirely on their genitals.
Another exciting means of bringing pleasure to your partner that should
not be missed is oral stimulation. Deep kissing as well as oral-genital stimulation
are superb means of increasing one's sexual excitement. This oral-genital
stimulation, when a high level of excitement has been reached by your
breathing and movement pattern, is especially exciting and pleasurable for both
One principle that I continually stress in the exercises is grounding
that is, feeling the flow of your energy move from a solid base: moving
your energy down your body to your feet and utilizing that cont act with the
earth or "gr ound" (something solid) to make the energy bounce up again through
your body. Also, it is i mport ant to activate the extensor muscles of your legs, pulling
the pelvis up and forward, simulating the orgastic reflex. This grounding principle
should be followed in sexual joining, and your body positions should allow you
both to ground. In general, it is i mport ant t hat those positions which inhibit
breathing or prevent either partner' s movement should be avoided in the final
stages of orgasm. Those positions which enable bot h partners to place their feet
against somet hi ng and push (the end of the bed, a wall, etc. ) are better. Sitting in
a chair face to face also can pr omot e your grounding. A rocking chair wi t hout arms
is wort h t ryi ng t oo.
The current fad promot i ng water beds as the answer to sexual
exci t ement is a misleading one. One of t he problems of making love on a
wat erbed is that grounding becomes very difficult, and your movement is
inhibited for lack of anyt hi ng solid to push against. Anot her problem with the
wat er bed is t hat your rhyt hmi cal movement s are difficult to synchronize, due
to the outside rhyt hms of the bed. Sexually speaking, water beds can be a
delightful occasion, but as a steady diet they can' t compare to a solid
foundat i on.
Remember t o pay at t ent i on t o t he r hyt hm and fl ow of your sexual
excitement, and t hat of your partner. It is your absolute responsibility to stay
conscious of your own rhyt hm and to communi cat e your desires to your
partner (gently, not like you' r e directing traffic at a busy intersection). Don' t
wait passively to be pleased, unless t hat ' s an occasional, mutually agreeable
game between you. It ' s easy to confuse "want i ng" wi t h communi cat i on. Instead
of communicating, you may assume your part ner knows what it is you want .
Or you may not be sure what you want yourself. This problem can become
even more complicated if the feeling of const ant confluence is present bet ween
you. The "unspoken assumpt i on" goes somet hi ng like this: "I f we are one
(confluent) and you really love me, you woul d know what 1 want and give it
to me. if you really loved me, you would satisfy me " . . . and so on. These
assumptions occur in a split second, and immediately one retreats, wi t hdraws,
loses exci t ement , even becomes angry and reproachful when not satisfied. The
other person senses this and the occasion ends up as yet anot her
disappointment for bot h.
No one can read your mind, although if bot h partners are paying
attention you can read each ot her' s body signals. It is not necessary to
verbalize; non-verbal sounds can do t he j ob very nicely. Words can have the
effect of getting you hung up in your head, and your head is what you' re
trying to lose j ust now.
There is no hurry; enjoy each phase of pleasure to its fullest and then
move on to the next, seeking a mutual r hyt hm as in a dance. Not all of us
move at the same r hyt hm. This is not even necessary. Each can stay with his
own rhyt hm if they can get synchronized together. This doesn' t mean one
person can be t hrust i ng vigorously while the other one lies there like a day-old
corpse . . . but it is possible for one partner to be moving t wo times to the
other person' s one movement if their timing is smoot h and synchronous. The
major thing is t hat t he movements begin slowly and stay slow until the orgastic
reflex begins.
These slow, rhyt hmi cal movement s can be greatly facilitated by the use
of outside lubrication even if t here is plenty of secretion by the female. Many
times ext ra lubrication, such as Vaseline (see my comment on lubrication in
Masturbation) will make your movement s much more comfortable, A
compromi se between t oo much and t oo little friction for either party is the
secret when using outside lubrication. Some women feel like failures if they
don' t provide the lubrication for intercourse, t hus placing upon themselves an
unnecessary responsibility.
The pelvic movements I advocate in the exercises are "back and forth"
movement s, duplicating the motion of the final moment s of the orgastic reflex.
During foreplay, and particularly during the "charge" sequence of intercourse,
you can derive a great deal of pleasure by using a slow circular motion with
your hips, like the "bumps and gri nds" of the burlesque dancer. This motion
can be stimulating to both the woman and the man, as long as your breathing
is synchronized so that as your pelvis comes forward, your breath goes out. It
is probably preferable to take turns during this circular movement , as it's
sometimes difficult to coordinate t wo circles going at once. If you join your
movement s with simultaneous breathing and make a sound together (as in the
exercises), then you will be doing those things that most promot e the dance of
Since each person builds exci t ement and then discharges it at a different
rat e, it is not always possible to achieve an orgasm simultaneously. When this
does happen it is an added pleasure, but it' s not a necessity. It more often
happens that one or the other partner may have an orgasm first. When this
occurs, t he part ner who has not arrived yet may shut down his or her
exci t ement ; it becomes even more difficult to achieve an orgasm t hen, because
the rise in excitement has to be built again. This can lead to resent ment , blame
and anger at the ot her partner. It is all t oo common a circumstance. But, if
each partner takes the responsibility for his or her own pleasure, the partner
who is unfinished can go on to achieve an orgasm and be satisfied . . even if
it' s not accomplished by actual inter-vaginal intercourse. An explicit verbal
"cont r act " between the partners to this effect relieves both of a great deal of
pressure . . . on him for failing to satisfy her and on her for having to perform
and produce an orgasm.
Here is where your masturbation practice can be put to good use. If
you are not satisfied, try masturbating (right t here, not in a dark closet by
yourself), or teach your part ner how to mast urbat e you, to a climax. There is
a different kind of excitement in watching someone masturbate or doing it for
him or her. Somet i mes this voyeuristic quality will arouse the finished partner
to anot her height of exci t ement or erection, and intercourse can be resumed.
Regardless of the sequence of orgasms, a mutual caring relationship is the
i mport ant , underlying, basic "gl ue" which will make your sexual uni on
Don' t forget the final phase of your love-making, the last but certainly
not the least i mport ant . Post-coital holding encourages resolution and makes a
much more loving finish for you both than j umpi ng up and running off to the
It is not always necessary or possible to take the time for ext ended
sexual buildup and discharge. A great deal of pleasure can be derived from the
"qui cki e" . . . a brief and exciting, usually i mpr ompt u sexual experience. In the
shower, the car, the ki t chen, or on the stairs, at lunch time or before breakfast
are a few of the favorite times and places for this adventure. These brief
encounters can add variety and excitement to your life.
Up to this point, I have discussed the process of joining together in
terms of a heterosexual relationship. I wish to st at e clearly that heterosexuality
is not a prerequisite for a satisfactory sexual relationship. The relational aspects
of any sexual union . . . care, respect and love, the cont act and involvement
that are present and necessary in any deep relationship are also possible, as
many people know, in homosexual relationships. It is your connection with
anot her person' s being that is the gift of life. How you use the energy
generated by turning your body on is really a matter of your personal
preference, an expression of the means whereby the ultimate possibility . .
compl et e, satisfactory, total orgasm . . . works best for you.
How to Lose your Mind
Some people experience a very curious phenomenon when they begin to
pay at t ent i on to their bodies: their minds become very active! This mental
activity seems to bring to consciousness a flood of cont ent which is irrelevent
to the situation. One way of dealing with this phenomenon is by analyzing the
cont ent . Another way is by dealing with the process of the mind, emphasizing
the how of the mental activity rather than the why or the what.
I would like to discuss this process of the mind and how you can
change it to facilitate your awareness of yourself and greater sexual enj oyment .
Fritz Perls once said, "Lose your mind and come to your senses." This has to
happen for many people before they can obtain an intense orgasm.
To us in our "west er n" way of t hi nki ng, "lose your mi nd" may sound
like heresy; our culture worships the rational. Everything has to be explained
to us in terms of cause and effect relationships; even in complex phenomena
everything must make sense. Our power to think is all i mport ant . Unfort unat el y
thinking usually interferes with your ability to feel. And it is the feeling
content of your orgasm that you are working to increase.
A colleague of mi ne, Steve Schoen, has figured out t hat there are three
things the mi nd does to distract your feelings: he calls t hem fussing, holding
on, and turning off. Although I know that this is an oversimplification, these
concept s are useful in looking at the process of the mi nd, if you pay attention
to your mi nd, you can discover some very interesting things about it.
Let ' s try an experi ment . Close your eyes and just pay attention to
where your mi nd goes. What is going on inside your head as you do this? You
may find t hat your at t ent i on comes to how you are feeling; how your body is
now. That is, the mind comes to t he here and the now. You become aware of
the chair being t oo hard. You are aware of the sounds out si de. You are aware
of your breathing, discomfort in your body, and so on. You are paying
at t ent i on to what ' s happening in the present - here and now.
Or your mind may go to the future . . . rehearsing, planning or figuring
out what ' s going to happen. This takes you away from what ' s happening right
now — here and now - and it robs you of your spontaneity as well.
Perhaps your mind traveled to the past, to an unfinished situation,
something that needs to be compl et ed in some way, an unresolved disagreement
with someone (the "1 should of sai d" phenomenon), dishes t hat need to be
washed, or something that needs to be "fi xed. " A very common unfinished
situation is neglecting to say goodbye to someone or to t hank them for
something they did for you. When you wi t hdraw to your fantasy, you often
get little reminder t hought s of these situations that won' t let you rest. In
general, the deeper your emot i onal involvement with a situation, the greater the
need to finish it, to close it compl et el y and say goodbye.
The concept of finishing or closing a situation (completing a gestalt) is
one of the basic tenets of Gestalt t herapy. An incomplete gestalt attracts
energy like a magnet; it is analagous to hearing the t enant upstairs come in,
take off his shoes and drop only one. Your at t ent i on then gets stuck on
waiting for the ot her shoe to drop. Only by compl et i ng the gestalt — droppi ng
the other shoe — is your energy freed to deal fully with the present. Some of us
prefer to stick grimly to what we are doing and avoid dealing with unfinished
situations, even in fantasy. We are often unwilling to let go of such things as
lost loved ones, "t r easur ed" tragedies or "cheri shed" resentments. This holding
on to the past prevents your full involvement in the present. You are caught
between "t hen and t her e" and "here and now. " Your energy is split.
You will recall from the exercise of the eye-alogue (page 110) in
Working with a Partner the idea of the development of "cont act " and the
importance of "wi t hdrawi ng. " This technique can be used to deal with these
unfinished situations as well. Suppose you are making love with someone, and
your mind starts flashing back to a former lover! Immediately you might say,
"But I' m here with Joe, (or Sarah) and I shoul dn' t be thinking of someone
else. That ' s in the past . " So you expend energy trying to be present . . . fussing
about how you can possibly stay in the present. If you really try to avoid
your past situation, it probably gets worse; they hardly ever go away. If you
hang ont o the now, you exhaust yourself. But if you alternately allow yourself
to wi t hdraw, go inside to the past, then shuttle back to the now, you may be
able to finish the unfinished situation in your fantasy.
This shuttling can clarify the present for you, and your unfinished
situation may j ust fade. If it doesn' t, keep the shuttling process going until you
can take time to be alone. Many unfinished situations cannot be compl et ed in
actuality so fantasy is the only met hod available to you. When you are al one,
close your eyes; allow your mind to go to the situation and, in fantasy, carry
it to a completion. Mentally finish the situation and "tell it goodbye. "
Sometimes professional help from a compet ent therapist is required before you
can compl et e a more deeply disturbing unfinished situation.
Most people realize t hat overext ended withdrawal is harmful, if y
o u
t ended to "go away" for long periods of time, you would be completely l
to fantasy, wi t hdrawn, autistic. Few people realize though t hat overextended
contact is j ust as harmful; maintaining cont act for a long period of time i
almost impossible, and the effort of doing so will drain your energy. Learning
to establish your own best rhyt hm of cont act and withdrawal is an important
part of emot i onal compet ence.
We can gain greater perspective and invaluable insights i nt o the processes
of the mi nd by looking briefly at some aspects of Eastern philosophy. The East
has for t housands of years recognized the invasive and distracting qualities of
t he mi nd and has developed ways of dealing with t hem. In fact, one form of
yoga - Raja Yoga - is the way of enlightenment through controlling the mind;
it is a met hod of stopping the mi nd' s spontaneous rambling. I have found some
of these concept s most useful in dealing with the processes of my own mind.
Before I can discuss Eastern philosophy, I want to digress briefly to
clarify certain basic cultural differences between the Eastern and the Western
view of the world. Anthropologically speaking, there are different ways to
understand man' s place in the world. First there is man under nature. An
example of this is the Australian Aborigine. If something happens in the world,
he is subject to it. Nature is in cont rol . If there is a flood, he moves his
village. His life is full of ritual and superstition directed at the hope of
favorably influencing an all-powerful natural force.
As man evolved he reached anot her stage . . . man over nature. This
stage is typified by western man. We are used to such st at ement s as "Man' s
cont i nued struggle with nat ure. " We don' t accept the idea of being subject to
nature — we are trying to gain cont rol of it. Western man wants to get from
one place to anot her as quickly as possible with a highway. If there is a
mountain in the way, he bulldozes it down and put s t he highway t hrough. We
pay little at t ent i on to nat ure, except as somet hi ng to subdue.
A third approach is man within nature — t hat is, man as an integral
part of nature, much as animals, rocks, rivers, trees, and the whole earth are
part of her. This eastern philosophy is becoming more pervasive in the west
now t hat western man is beginning to see the price he pays, psychologically
and ecologically speaking, for his "i nfl uence" over nat ure. In this philosophy of
man within nature, man is part of nat ure; therefore the knowledge of the
universe is also within man . . . a t ree, for instance, does not need to be
educated in school in order to learn how to be a bigger tree. Man also has this
innate knowledge of himself; he has only to allow himself to develop in accord
with nature. He does not have to seek outside knowledge. In this view: you are
it; you are what you seek.
The major difference between western and eastern philosophy is one of
"doi ng" and "bei ng. " We westerners are always "doi ng. " Most of us in the
west have great difficulty just being; whereas in eastern philosophy the
emphasis is on being. You are, you don' t have to do anything.
Eastern thinking emphasizes t hat when you view something intellectually
you view it as a separate ent i t y, something apart from yourself. By "st oppi ng
your mi nd, " you can have a direct experience of the universe; you can be at
one with it. It follows that intellectual self-analysis only creates greater distance
between your mi nd and your self. If you can st op your mind, you can have
direct knowledge of your self and, since you are one with the universe, direct
knowledge of the universe. Unfortunately, the mind does not always want to
cooperate, and continues to run its own way. Thus, Oriental philosophers
developed ways of calming the mind and experiencing oneself more directly.
From a western st andpoi nt it is possible to t hi nk of the mi nd as a
comput er with thought tapes inside it. Most of the time the mind runs
smoot hl y, but sometimes it is as though the mind gets stuck — very much as
though there were a tape l oop, or a broken record at work. This broken record
is your fussing. It can take the form of an unfinished situation if it is in the
past; it can t ake the form of rehearsing if it is in the future - both of these
rob you of the present, the here and the now.
The opposite of fussing is calm. One way you can achieve calmness of
mi nd is through the practice of meditation. More than an elementary
i nt roduct i on to meditation is beyond the scope of this book, and there are
many fine works available on the subject. There are a few kinds of meditation
t hat are particularly useful to us here, and I recommend t hat you try them.
A very popular and effective form of meditation is Mantra meditation.
Mantras were originally Sanskrit phrases with religious significance that are
repeat ed again and again, although they can also be j ust a nonsensical repetition
of sounds or words. The repetition is really the most i mport ant thing.
A yogi once t ol d me the story of the maharajah who had a talented
servant, able to do anything for him. The only problem was t hat the servant
constantly was at the master' s side saying, "What can I do now, Master? What
shall I do now?, " tugging at his sleeve, asking for further tasks. The servant
was driving the master crazy. So finally the master said, "I want you to go and
build a t ower seven stories high, and then 1 want you to run up and down the
t ower stairs until I call for you. " So the master t ook care of himself by taking
care of the servant who was driving him crazy . .. j ust as you can t ake care of
your mi nd when it is driving you crazy. You should be able to call upon it
only when you need it. You don' t need it fussing when you are trying to
relax, do body exercises or enjoy sexual pleasure.
So one solution to the problem of the repeating tape l oop in your
comput er is to overload the circuit with a mant ra as it were, until gradually,
wi t hout your noticing, after a while your comput er becomes . . . very . . . still.
The only thing left in your mi nd is the mant ra.
There are different mant ras or phrases to use for different purposes or
tasks; all are ai med at dis-identifying you from your t hought s and act i ons.
Most of us identify ourselves with our t hought s and we fear t hat not
thinking woul d be not being. Certainly Western culture has been built on such
assumptions as Descartes' "I think, therefore I am. " One object of medi t at i on is
to break our st rong identification with our thoughts.
An exercise to assist you in dis-identifying from your standard way of
seeing the world is this sequence of ideas:
1 am not my body: I have a body, but
I am not my body.
I am not my emot i ons; I have emot i ons
but I am not my emot i ons.
I am not my desires; I have desires but
they are not myself.
I am not my intellect; I have an
intellect but it is not myself.
What am I then? What remains after discarding
my sensations, emot i ons, desires and thoughts?
I am a center of awareness and will,
and capable of mastering, using and directing all
my psychological processes and my physical body.
When you no longer identify yourself with anything but your center of
self-awareness you are then able to accept each part of your being as available
for, but not necessary t o, existence. You will remain a continuing ent i t y; for
the moment all else will pass. As a continuing ent i t y you are in charge and
you can change any aspects of your emot i on, t hought or desire so you can
obt ai n t he most out of your life.
Even when your mi nd isn' t stuck in a fussing pat t ern, you may at times
find it difficult to "let go" i nt o your body' s exci t ement . You are holding on
with your mi nd, of course, as well as with your body. So if you can
concent rat e your mind on somet hi ng t hat doesn' t start another thinking
pat t ern, you will find your body is freed to experience its feelings. A mantra is
very useful in this case. Any phrase will do, even something like "copper
t obacco can. " The words don' t mat t er; the repetition is what ' s i mport ant .
One of my favorite mant ras is Aditya Hridayam Punyam Sarv Shatru
Bena Shenam (which means "All evil vanishes from life for him who keeps the
sun in his heart. ") This phrase, if you will take the time to learn it, is
excellent to repeat. It is meant to open your fourth chakra or heart center (see
the chapt er on Sex and Religion — Spirituality and Orgasm, page 00)
stimulating your feelings of love and compassion. But whet her the Eastern
purpose for using the mant ra works or not is uni mport ant . If you use it at any
time, you will find yourself feeling calmer and more in touch with your
When you are doing your exercises alone and you find yourself fussing
and unable to finish a situation, I recommend withdrawing into yourself to
center yourself. Sit in an upright position, spine straight. Close your eyes and
merely pay at t ent i on to your breathing, using the words "rising" as you take a
breath in and "falling" as you let your breath out , to help give your mind
somet hi ng to do. Just sit qui et l y in this way for at least 10 minutes, or as long
as it takes. When you finish, your mi nd will be calm and you can continue.
If when you are worki ng wi t h a partner your mind gives you trouble,
you could bot h st op and sit in this manner for a t i me; but this sometimes
interrupts the flow of your energy and your relationship. If so, try j ust
coordinating your breathing with your part ner' s and using the words (silently)
"rising" and "falling" as your belly rises and falls during the exercise.
As I said previously, the mind is like a huge active comput er collecting
data all the t i me, every moment we are awake. Sometimes it becomes so
overloaded wi t h t hought s there seems to be no room for any more. At this
point you need t o empt y your mi nd, clear your "t apes, " and start anew. There
is anot her form of meditation for doing this.
As with all forms of medi t at i on, sit in a comfortable upright position
on the floor, on a cushion or in a straight-backed chair, as long as your spine
is straight and upright. Now just pay at t ent i on to your t hought s as though you
were removed from t hem, listening to a record or watching a movie, as though
they were not part of you; you are a passive witness to yourself. Let your
t hought s flow, neither censor nor hol d on to t hem. Again, you are
dis-identifying yourself with your t hought s. It is sometimes helpful to imagine
yourself comfort abl y sitting by a slow-moving river or a stream; your t hought s
are flotsam and j et sam, passing you by and moving on.
This is a process of empt yi ng your mind, of letting your t hought s flow
wi t hout st oppi ng t hem. If one image or t hought ret urns, examine it closely, see
if it is unfinished material, then if it is, imagine yourself put t i ng it aside
mentally, put t i ng a wall around it; you can come back to it later. Right now it
is time to relax and empt y your mind. This may only take a few moment s or
so of concent rat i on, then you can go on. You will know when your mi nd
stops fussing.
Active participation in medi t at i on is a very useful practice for calming
and centering yourself in every aspect of your life. There are many schools of
t hought as to how to go about this. When you are interested you can find the
path that suits you.
Anot her thing you may discover when you go inside your mind is
holding on. By holding on 1 mean trying to control every situation around you,
trying to get each thing in its place . . . controlling and isolating your
envi ronment so t hat you have everything going the way you want.
"Rehearsi ng" is a form of controlling.
The opposite of holding on is, of course, letting go, accepting things as
they come . . . spontaneously responding to the Now. This is more easily said
than done, but my exercises are designed to enable you to learn to let go.
Thus, as you bring your at t ent i on to your body . . . not to what your partner
is doing, nor to what is happening around you . . . you may become aware of
your own holding on, your own difficulty in letting go.
As we hold on in our minds we also hold on in our bodies, that part
of our environment with which we are most closely in cont act . The asanas
(exercises) of Hatha Yoga, the yoga of the body, are exercises in letting go. 1
recommend the st udy of Hatha Yoga as a good way to increase the process of
letting go . . . as well as for helping to keep your body flexible. Since Hatha
Yoga is becoming more popular these days, classes are available in most areas.
Where classes are not available, there are many, many books to start you.
The third phenomenon people experience in their minds is that they
turn off. Many people are j ust not present in the world a great deal of the
time. It is as though they were aut omat ons. This is particularly true when it
comes to any anxiety-producing situation, as sex is for many people. Turning
off is a way of disassociating yourself from your experience. It is possible to
chemically enhance this "non-presence" by using alcohol or tranquilizers; they
often have this effect.
If you are turning yourself off regularly and you want to reverse this
process, it is possible. If you bring your at t ent i on to your awareness in detail,
really pay at t ent i on to what you are doing, you can begin to turn yourself on.
The Eastern approach to paying at t ent i on is epitomized in any Zen
monast ery, where there is a moment -t o-moment discipline over each t hought
and act, requiring const ant and t ot al at t ent i on. We can use a similar t echni que
for paying at t ent i on.
Start with the simple exercise of saying to yourself, "Now 1 am aware
. . . " and finish the sentence ". .. aware of the colors of the room . . . aware
of the tips of my toes . . . my hands . . . my body .. . my eyes . . . my ears . . .
sounds, smells, all of my senses, " etc. Regular practice will increase your
sensitivity to the present around you. Each time you do this exercise, you will
find new sensations, within and wi t hout , to be aware of.
Come to the world, here and now, and pay at t ent i on. Enjoy your life
to its utmost. As far as 1 know, this is the only chance you get. This is . . . in
the words of Ken Kesey .. . "t he only ticket you get to this show. " If you
don' t pay at t ent i on, you' ll blow it!
Religion and Sex -
Spirituality and Orgasm
Spirituality and orgasm are different expressions of the same life force.
There is a great similarity between an intense religious experience and a total
orgasm. Each is often called a "peak experi ence. " This peak of bliss can be
attained through other experiences as well, such as childbirth, which sometimes
gives a woman a feeling of being at one with the universe for a brief moment .
In orgasm, the experience of being swept out of the ego or mi nd and i nt o the
senses is not uncommon. The giving of oneself to another with love, total
surrender, loss of duality and merger describes the religious experience as well
as it describes sexual uni on.
The practice of sexual participation in connect i on with a religious ritual
for the at t ai nment of enlightenment has a history almost as old as man. Many
so-called "pagan" religions included sexual orgies and phallus worship as
cornerstones of their ritual. The Judeo-Christian morality put somet hi ng of a
damper on such activities and Calvinism all but finished it off, leaving only
Satan worshippers to carry on the tradition. The idea persisted, however, and
from time to time various "heret i cal " sects appeared in Western Christianity,
their members usually ending up burning at the stake. Within the last hundred
years, in such a devoutly Christian society as Czarist Russia, such a sect, called
the Khlysty, could secretly boast such an illustrious member as Rasputin among
its ranks. Orgiastic revelry alternating with fervent religious ceremonies achieved
for these faithful a union of opposites: the highest and the lowest.
The psychic energy of the body can be expressed or manifested in
different ways, including both spiritual expression and sexual expression. This
concept of expressing energy is a basic teaching of yoga, particularly
"Kundal i ni " Yoga, which I'd like to discuss here in the light of modern depth
The Yoga Sutra is the basic t ext of yoga, and its teachings dat e back to
centuries before Christ. The word "yoga" comes from the Sanskrit base "t o
yoke" — to link t wo things together. What is to be linked in yoga is our
consciousness, our everyday awareness, to the source of consciousness, the
spiritual God, so that we may live in t une with the source of consciousness
rather than out of the limited consciousness of our everyday awareness. For the
yogi, the goal is to rise above the duality of petty love and hate and pain and
pleasure, above the limitations of the ego, and attain a level from which the
pitifulness and worthlessness of our ordinary consciousness becomes very
apparent . Saint Paul expressed it in Christian terms when he said, "I live now
not me, but Christ in me. " However, in the Christian view one would hesitate
to say, "1 am Christ or God, " but the yogis believe we are each a
manifestation of God. The yogi works toward realizing his own "God-ness"
rather than having a "rel at i onshi p" with the infinite being, as in the
Judeo-Christian tradition. The key concept in yoga is the idea t hat you are it!
(TAT TWAM ASI.) You are that divine principle which you seek.
One yoga concept that is particularly relevant here is t hat of the
Kundalini, a name given to the energy of the universe which is within us all at
different levels. It can be t hought of as a serpent which resides at the base of
the spine. One image of it is of a coiled snake biting his own tail, not
outwardly t urned. The goal of the yogi is to awaken t hat serpent to start the
flow of energy up the spine, t hus activating the six different psychic centers, or
chakras, until it reaches the crown of the head. At each of these centers the
entire psychological st ruct ure, the way man uses his energy in the world around
him, is expressed differently. In other words each chakra is a way of being in
the world, (Weltanschauung) a way of expressing the energy within us to the
The devotee of kundalini yoga tries to stimulate the flow of energy up
the spine to activate the different centers or chakras. He does this by
meditation, breathing (pranayama), and movement . . . body asanas or positions
t hat stimulate the energy flow up the spine. Each chakra or center has a
picture that goes with it; there is a color, a sound and a whole at mosphere
about it. The chakras are viewed as lotuses opening, and as the yogi brings his
energies to these centers they begin to tingle within the body. It is interesting
to not e that the chakras correspond closely to the neuroplexes of western
The realms of the spiritual and the physical in eastern thinking are so
intimately interrelated t hat one can hardly separate the t wo. To the oriental,
the psychological way of being and the physical way of being are t wo
manifestations of the same thing. There is no difference between the t wo.
The first chakra is the Müladhara Chakra, located at the base of the
spine. This is the root or base chakra. The person whose energy is tied up here
has a kind of a hanging-on existence . . . not moving out into the world. The
picture is one of the serpent biting its tail. There is no j oy; there is no zeal for
life. There is simply a hanging-on to life. I once heard Joseph Campbell, the
eminent aut hori t y on myt hol ogy, describe this state in terms of dragons. He
said that dragons have a curious function. They tend to guard things, and the
things that they guard are gold and beautiful girls. They can' t make use of
either; they just hang on. This is the way their kundalini or psychic energy is at this
first level, and it corresponds to how some people are t hroughout life. They
won' t "give-up" and enjoy life . . . they are j ust hanging on and existing.
The second center is at the genitals. It is the Svadisthana Chakra. This is
the favorite resort of the kundalini, the life energy. Here one' s whole existence
in life is centered around sex. One in turn interprets all of one' s existence in
terms of sexual energy. This is the "Fr eudi an" chakra . . . the conception of
man as basically erotic. In t herapy, interestingly enough, as one begins to come
to life, to let go and to move, the first thing that opens up many times is
sexual desire and sexual energy.
The next stage or chakra is the Manipüraka Chakra. It resides at the level
of the navel. Here the energy is directed at power . . . to turn things i nt o the self,
taking in. This is the area of Adlerian psychology or Nietzschian philosophy.
The main goal of life at this level is to be on t op, to be in control, to
i ncorporat e, to consume, to achieve power, to be a winner. Some politicians are
an excellent example of life at this stage.
These first three chakras typify the way most of us live in the world. We
manifest different forms of these chakras at different times, although it' s
possible to get stuck with only one focus of energy. These then are man' s
major uses of life energy. The way we cont rol these energies, centers or
ways of being in the worl d is det ermi ned by social cust om and laws.
The next three chakras are the spiritual chakras. The first of these is
the Anahat a Chakra, which is at the solar plexis or heart center, and is
the chakra of love. It is also the chakra of t ransformat i on, of the "comi ng
t oget her " or the loss of duality. At this point opposites come together . . .
desire and aggression, terror and fear are extinguished. The reason is that at
this point there is a loss of the sense of ego, a loss of selfness. One acts
wi t hout a sense of self, yet with love. The central t heme in Jungian psychology
is this uni on of opposites with man' s spiritual origins. It is interesting t hat when
we feel affection, love, and warmt h for someone, we want to reach out and
bring t hem to our breast, to hold t hem close to the chest. The way of being in the
world when operating from this chakra is one of reaching out with love.
The next chakra is the Visuddha. This is the chakra right at the base of
t he t hroat . At this chakra one' s energy is directed toward purifying the
cont ami nent s of the lower chakras on the trip to higher spirituality, and
coming to the inner light directly, tuning into the inner sound of God. This is
the monastic level. Here are the disiplines of the spiritual level, moving out of
the world and t urni ng to the inner world. One' s energy is directed inward
spiritually to ease one' s consciousness on to the next higher level.
The sixth chakra is Ajnna, located between the eyebrows at the "t hi rd
eye. " It is the center of spiritual power and knowledge, the highest sphere of
inner aut hori t y t hat you can at t ai n. When the energy or serpent is here, you
have reached the point of beholding the image of the world of God. This is
the realm of heaven and bliss on earth.
The final chakra is the Sahasrara, located at the crown of the head.
Here one is past all pairs of opposite and at one with God.
There are a great many t ext s written about the chakras. Sir John
Woodroff' s The Serpent Power, is a very authorative text on kundalini yoga.
I have given a brief description of a way of conceptualizing how energy
within us can be expressed in different ways. This way of looking at the body
and spirituality gives us some understanding of how sex and spirituality come
together, in that sex is just one manifestation of the pure life energy force. As
this power or force is activated in you it can be expressed in many ways:
sexual expression is one way; spiritual expression is anot her. You can see these
as forms of the same power. I have found the yogi' s way of looking at energy
to be most useful in understanding different people' s ways of being in the
world, and the different theories of psychology.
Anot her form of yoga which is especially relevant here is Tant ra, the
yoga of sex. In Tantric Yoga it is the yogi' s goal to achieve divine union
through sexual union. A brief summary of the Tant ri c ritual may give you
some idea of how this is achieved. The female partner plays the role of the
"divine woman. " She becomes shakti itself, the universal passive principle. She
is t he compl et e being . . . t hat subtle power which, when used correctly, leads
to liberation. The male becomes the shakta, the male principle. In uniting with
her, the yogi experiences unity and enjoys supreme bliss. This uni on is not
easily accomplished, for the male must never have seminal emission or, like
Tissot, the yogi believes that he will lose all the energy that is generated. The
yogi must therefore prepare and master three major controls; the control of
t hought , the control of breat h, and the control of semen. These practices of
preparation for sexual union are enough to lift anyone' s mi nd and body
spiritually. The divine ritual of Tantric Yoga is long and involved. In essence
t hough, what takes place is t hat the shakta, the male, is seated with a woman,
the shakti. The shakti may be the man' s wife or anot her woman . . . any
woman is the living embodi ment of shakti. Each approaches the ritual by
meditation and preparation; the preparation is part of the ritual and there are a
number of steps in the ritual — from cleansing the body to drinking wine and
eating meat or fish. This is followed by each partner' s t ouchi ng the other at
various places on their body while chanting a mantra. The final ritual is the
j oi ni ng of t he male and t he female. The partners sit facing each other; they
breathe in unison . . . as they exhale, they make a sound or vibration. They
concent rat e on the Müláhara Chakra in the area at the base of t he spine. When
they feel the energy begin to spread, (the kundalini rising) they draw t he
energy up the spine and send it to their partner. After a length of time, when
the male is feeling a great enough flow of energy, he draws the female shakti
ont o his lap, she wraps her legs around hi m, and her arms are around his neck.
She draws the male' s penis inside her vagina, and they are joined . . . but
remain motionless. They are joining their eyes and minds. They breathe in
unison, they j oi n their foreheads, and their eyes merge i nt o one as do their
spirits. You may have seen some of the oriental statues that depict this scene.
This in general is the sequence, but it may vary from one devotee to
another. The major emphasis is on the psychic and spiritual tension, not the
genital function. The Tantric rite trains the participant to use one of the most
powerful physiological forces - sex energy — for the attainment of a higher
state of consciousness in which personal ego is transcended.
On the other hand, in contrast to those which encourage sex, many
religions in the eastern and the western worl d have advocated sexual cont i nence
for the spiritual pat h. The idea is t hat one' s energy, usually vented in sexual
participation, woul d be conserved and available for higher functioning . . .
spirituality. The assumption t hat one can get spiritually high by denying oneself
sexual pleasure may have prompted some churches to demand abstinence in
sexual relations from their priests.
1 suspect that as one becomes more spiritually in t une, as your psychic
energy becomes more manifest in the higher chakras, sexuality becomes less
important . . . as does all desire. There are certain stages to the spiritual life,
and as each stage is passed, the "charge" is dissipated and one automatically
goes on to the next stage. When one tries to rush the process, to skip stages,
the unfinished stages, such as the sexual, still maintain a pull. The initiate then
spends a great deal of time and energy trying to suppress sexual desires.
Meditation and prayer are constantly being interrupted by sexual t hought s and
fantasies. The followers of very spiritual men have noted that their Masters or
Gurus did not want or need to participate in sex. When the higher spiritual
centers can utilize that energy, sexual cont i nence occurs naturally, wi t hout
effort. When one is ready to give up somet hi ng . . . sex, power, whatever . . .
then the giving up does not require energy.
I am not , however, advocating giving up sex, nor have I any plans to do
so myself. On the contrary, my view is that sex is an i mport ant expression of
life energy as well as a possible source of great bliss in the larger-than-self
experience. Besides, it' s fun. I am not in accord with the "hair-shirt"
philosophy that anything t hat ' s fun should be avoided.
You can only be where you are, after all. And while you are there you
might as well make the most of it. Since the great majority of us are not on
t hat rarified spiritual plane where desire drops from us like an unneeded
garment, we are still very much in possession of our sexual drives, so let' s put
t hem t o good use . . . t o expand our consciousness, to express our love, to
stimulate our energy to a high level of aliveness. That is what I hope this book
will help you to do.
How the Book Came to Be
I guess I felt I knew something t hat someone else di dn' t know,
something that was valuable and useful, and I wanted to get that information
to as many people as possible.
My background may seem somewhat schizoid, but it has come together
very nicely for me. I was a psychology major in college and a pre-dental minor.
I was interested in people, and my parents want ed me to have a profession. I
was able to do things easily that required fine coordination with my hands, so
dentistry seemed nat ural . I applied (or actually my mother applied) for dental
school and I was accept ed. I found out while I was there that I was good at
carrying out the mechanical aspects of dentistry, and yet 1 kept thinking about
what it was t hat really made a successful dentist and about the aspects of
human nature that were involved (how difficult it is for some people to go to
the dentist, for instance). I found myself becomi ng more and more involved
with the patient . . . how can we make things more pleasant for hi m, how can
we do things to improve the atmosphere of the office, etc?
After I got out of dental school, I went into the Air Force for t wo
years. About the time my t our of dut y was up I returned to the University of
California for a post-graduate course in psychology in dentistry . . . the first
course I had heard of t hat dealt with the psychological aspects of dentistry. I
met a man there by the name of Lauren Borland, who held a PhD. in
psychology and was also a dent i st . He was instrumental in encouraging me to
come back up to U.C. Dental School to teach and do research.
I started my private dental practice and was spending part of my time
teaching at U.C. and at the University of Pacific Dental School. I was also
doing a lot of research and taking post-graduate courses, so actually I was
learning as much about psychology as 1 was about dent i st ry. I was particularly
concerned with people who were apprehensive, afraid to go to the dentist, and
people who were having hysterical sympt oms. I was ready and willing to take
on all kinds of problems with dental patients.
I was advised that if I want ed to stay in the academic field I would
have to go back and get some more degrees, so 1 went back for a Masters
degree is psychology. I cont i nued teaching psychology to the st udent s at the
University of the Pacific Dental School , and became the Director of Counseling
there. At the same time I started at t endi ng groups and pursuing my own
personal insights, including long-term private therapy. As I got more and more
involved in "one- t o- one" relationships, I began to get qui t e a bit freer myself. I
was very compulsive and "upt i ght " before this.
Esalen had just started around this time and I became interested in the
whole encount er trip. I began to see how inadequate my training had been for
group work, so I went to a program at Big Sur with Bob Hall and Fitz Perls
which t urned out to be very influential on my life. Bob later became my chief
trainer as a Gestalt Therapist. I worked with him for about three years as a
member of his group, and then as a co-therapist. I also went to the Gestalt
Institute of San Francisco for anot her t wo years of training (I' m still involved
there as a training therapist) . . . t hat ' s how I got i nt o Gestalt. I compl et ed my
training as a therapist by going back to school to get a PhD. in Clinical
Psychology. That sort of sums up my professional career.
Now, how did I come to write the book? I had been married about ten
years, and had begun to wonder: Can sex be any better? I di dn' t have any big
problems, and it seemed as though everything was fine to me, but how was I
to know? I want ed to explore further. So I talked about it in t herapy and
with other people; nobody seemed to have any good answers. If you had a sex
problem, there were a lot of places you could go for help, but if everything
was OK, people said: "Well t here' s not hi ng the mat t er with you, you' re fi ne. " I
began to study and try new ways to make things better. 1 di dn' t know if it
was even possible . . . I had no idea, just a hunch.
I worked with Alexander Lowen in a workshop at Big Sur, and felt he
had a marvelous grasp of the theory of the sexual energies of life. I was ready
for his approach, since I was already i nt o the "energy concept " through my
study of Hatha Yoga and had begun to realize, through meditation in yoga,
how much energy there is in the body and how it can be controlled and used
to best advantage. I di dn' t buy the whole Eastern " t r i p" of turning off your
sexual energy, t hough, so it seemed t hat Lowen, and Reichian t herapy, might
offer some of the answers I sought.
I had occasion to talk with Ann Halprin, who was a dental patient of
mine, about my studies concerning therapy for facial expressions (the subject of
my doctoral thesis in psychology) and she was very interested, as a dancer, to
experience this t herapy herself, and in turn agreed to teach me movement . I
talked to her about a pelvic block I seemed to have; I di dn' t move in my
pelvis. I would work a couple of hours with her on movement and breathing,
and she would work a couple of hours with me on facial t herapy. As I did
this, I began to learn a lot by putting bioenergetics, yoga, and Ann' s work
together. I found myself able to enjoy sex much more when I did my
breathing and paid at t ent i on to my movement . In fact, it was a fantastic
By this time I was leading groups down at Big Sur and talking about
my experience to different groups. People asked what exercises I did. So I
offered to show those who were interested what Ann taught me, and what I
added from other disciplines. The results were amazing . . . people were ecstatic;
they said, "I t changed my whole sex life . . . I had no idea it could be so
great " et c. So I began showing peopl e, as a regular part of my workshop, how
to do some of the exercises. Mostly I worked with professionals . . . physicians,
dentists, nurses, etc and their relations with ot her people. The problem
was t hat I got to be known as "t he dentist who teaches sex. " I found t hat this
was detracting from my work, so I qui t doing it. I cont i nued doing the
exercises for myself, along with my yoga exercises, for I found t hem to be
very energy-provoking.
As time went on everything seemed to come together. I t ook Dr.
St one' s course in "Polarity Ther apy"; I had structural integration (Rolfing) and
began Reichian therapy training. Then I met Dr. Feldenkrais and studied briefly
his work with breathing and movement . This conglomeration all began to come
together, and is what the book is all about .
George Downing, a friend of mi ne, had just wri t t en The Massage Book.
He was studying to be a Gestalt Therapist at the Inst i t ut e, and I was his
trainer at the time. He gave me, as a present, a copy of his book. When I saw
it I comment ed to him . . . "George, this is a really lovely book. I' m sorry I
di dn' t write i t . " He replied, "t he difference between us is t hat you di dn' t make
the effort; I di d! " So I said, "Well, dammi t I'm going to write a book t oo! "
And he said "Great I'll introduce you to my publisher. "
I went home t hat night and started talking with my wife, Pat, and our
friends Bob and Julie Crocket t as we were lounging together in our Japanese
bat h. I said "I ' m going to write a book. " And they said, "Oh sur e. " So we
started talking about the different things t hat I knew about . I'd already
t hought about doing a t ext book on psychology in dent i st ry, and there were a
number of ot her possibilities to pursue. But none of t hem seemed exciting to
me . . . my energy wasn' t there at the moment ; I di dn' t feel like it. And
somebody said, "The only thing t hat will really sell is something, on sex. "
They asked me if I knew anyt hi ng about sex, and I said t hat I used to teach it
. . . and suddenly I realized t hat that's what the book was to be about !
I started out writing the book about the ex-
ercises and the movement strictly from a body
st andpoi nt . It became evident to me as I kept
going t hat the sexual relationship is so much
more; it is the relationship that count s. That ' s
why I began to explore some of the things that I
hadn' t been able to find in other books — for
instance, religion and sex. I was drawn to the
spiritual pat h, but the part t hat said "cut out all
sex" di dn' t fit for me. And the Reichian not i on
that orgasm is the greatest thing there is seemed
to st op a little short also.
In exploring the actual physiological sequences of orgasm, I found t hat
very few people ever talk about what ' s going on in terms of the total body.
Usually just the genitals arc emphasized. So when 1 got to writing t he book, I
realized that I could really do something to hel p people, so that they woul dn' t
have to struggle around looking for answers as I did (over a seven year period).
Maybe I could pull it together for them. That ' s when the book began to be
something i mport ant to me, when it became somet hi ng more than j ust teaching
someone to have a better orgasm.
I am still a teacher of professional people; I also have a consulting
service and I go to offices to work with personnel relations. I divide the rest of
my time between my private practice in dentistry and my work with private
patients and groups as a clinical psychologist. In therapy, I like to work with
people who are well. I am not a "sex t herapi st " dealing with people who have
serious sexual probl ems; there are sexual clinics all over the count ry to which
people with serious hangups can be referred. I am more interested in worki ng
with couples, with people who are interested in growth, and who consider sex
an important adjunct to their growth.
I woul d be interested in your comment s. I can be reached c/ o

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