Brenna Nordeng

A modern twist on a Shakespearean tale with characters from our chi

Characters Tink R. Belle- longs to be famous, dresses like Lady Gaga/Katy Perry/Madonna, host of Dust’d Peter Panbest friend of Tink, attached to his cell phone Snowvampire-pale, in love with Jack RapunzelJersey spray tan and bumped bangs, in love with Beast Jack(and the beanstalk), recently famous, rich, followed around by paparazzi, in love with Rapunzel Beasta werewolf in human form throughout the play, in love with Rapunzel Sleeping Beauty- whiney Mad Hattercameraman for Dust’d March Hare- cameraman for Dust’d Seven Dwarves- paparazzi that follow Jack Other random fairy tale characters

Tink: Scene One (Bubblegum pop or tween music plays as the lights come up on Tink. She is dressed in a bizarre Lady Gaga-esque outfit. She bops around to the music, lip-synching into her hairbrush. The music ends after a few seconds and Tink stops dancing around.) Tink: (In an announcer-like voice) And the winner of Neverland Idol is…Tink R. Belle. (She holds the hairbrush up like an award and feigns tears. She wipes at her eyes overly dramatically. Peter sneaks onstage, unnoticed by Tink.) Peter: Um…Tink? Are you alright? (Tink blushes as Peter crosses closer to her. She hides her hairbrush behind her back.) Tink: (Embarrassed) I’m fine, Peter. Peter: You weren’t just crying? Tink: (Offended) No, I wasn’t crying! I don’t cry! Peter: (Unsure) O…kay… Tink: How are you? (Peter frantically pulls his cell phone out and begins ferociously pounding on keys.) Peter: My Facebook status reads, “Thinking happy thoughts” but my Twitter account says, “Grounded”…so I’d say I’m confused.

Uh…huh…Oh! Peter, I’ve figured out how to get my big break! Peter: (Not looking up from his phone) Really? How? Tink: Well, every celebrity seems to be getting a reality show lately…like The Real Housegiants of Oak County…or Elf and Pixie Plus Sixty…so I was thinking… Peter: OMG! Have you read Chicken Little’s status lately? All he talks about is the sky falling. Yea right! Tink: (Ignoring the interruption) Well…I’m going to make a hidden camera prank show starring me. Peter: (Finally catching on) I can handle your PR for you. (Tink hugs Peter. Peter wriggles out uncomfortably. He goes back to texting like nothing happened.) Tink: Thank you, Peter! The March Hare and Mad Hatter agreed to be the camera crew already. Peter: (Reading his phone) Cinderella says, “Great idea! Any plans for who the first victim is going to be?” Tink: Tell her I’ve got it covered, but I can’t explain; top secret. Peter: (Rolling his eyes.) Whatever… (Peter texts quickly, then finally puts his phone in his pocket.)


Do you want to go to Second-Star-OnThe-Right-Bucks? Tink: Duh! (Lights down as they both exit offstage.) Scene Two (Rapunzel and Snow stand together center stage. Beast is brooding by himself at the punchbowl. Jack is posing for the seven dwarves/paparazzi. Sleeping Beauty is marveling over birthday presents. Other fairytale characters can be milling about.) Rapunzel: Can you believe Beauty’s over a hundred years old? Snow: She doesn’t even look twenty yet! Botox? Rapunzel: A hundred years of beauty sleep can work miracles. Snow: Get me the name of her dermatologist. Whatever anti-aging cream she uses is amazing! Rapunzel: I doubt a dermatologist would know what to give a vampire. Snow: (Defensive) I’m not a vampire. I’m fair-skinned. Rapunzel: Call it what you will…it’s gross. I’ll take you to get a spray tan. Snow: You look like a carrot with hair! Rapunzel: Better a carrot than a marshmallow; I’m on Weight Watchers.

(Snow scans the room for a different topic.) Snow: Did you hear about Tom Thumb and Thumbelina? Rapunzel: They broke up again? Snow: It’s all over the Enchanted Inquirer. Rapunzel: You can’t believe everything you read in that magazine. It had a story last month about the Little Mermaid getting plastic surgery to change her fin into legs. Snow: That does sound a little fishy. Rapunzel: One of the mice that work for Cinderella’s Maids service told me that Rumpelstiltskin was thinking about adopting another first born. Snow: What’s his deal with first borns? Rapunzel: (Laughing) Got me. (Snow laughs and looks around the room. She spots Jack and the paparazzi.) Snow: You didn’t tell me Jack was going to be here! Rapunzel: (Staring at Beast) Didn’t cross my mind… Snow: He’s so dreamy…I know everyone gave him a hard time for trading the cow for beans, but the market showed cow stock was down and stock in beans was on the rise. Rapunzel: Bean stock? What kind of “magic” bean stock is better than a whole cow?


That kind, apparently. He’s rich now! He’s got more money than Prince Charming now. Rapunzel: It’s just weird that a small share in bean stock could make him so wealthy. Snow: (Ignoring Rapunzel) I’ll be back. Rapunzel: Wait! What? No! (Snow ignores Rapunzel’s protests and walks over to Jack and the paparazzi. Jack poses proudly as they snap pictures.) Snow: Jack? Jack: (Uncapping a Sharpie) What do you want me to sign? Snow: Uh…no…I don’tJack: (Recapping the marker) Ah! I’d be happy to pose for a picture. I didn’t realize vampires showed up on film. Snow: (Exhausted) I’m fair-skinned. Jack: Wait…I know you! You’re Snow: “The fairest of them all”. Jack: Sure. Whatever. (Rolls eyes) No, you’re Rapunzel’s friend. Snow White, right? Snow: (Excited) Yes! Yes, I am. Jack: Cool. (To paparazzi) Excuse me, guys. (The paparazzi shrink away to take pictures of Sleeping Beauty.) Snow: (Talking frantically) I’m a huge fan of yours. It’s so amazing how you went from rags to riches practically

overnight. You’ve been on the covers of every money magazine already. Is it true that you’re opening up a chain of hotels? Jack: (Nonchalant) And they’re giving me a show where I try to find people to work for me. I fire someone at the end of every episode. Snow: That’s so cool! Jack: Yea... (Putting his arm around Snow) Could you introduce me to your friend? Snow: Rapunzel? Jack: Yea… Snow: Yea! (Snow walks over to Rapunzel. Jack still has his arm around Snow’s shoulders as they walk. When they reach Rapunzel, who’s been staring at Beast, he drops his arm and extends the hand to Rapunzel.) Jack: Hey, I’m Jack. Rapunzel: (Flippantly) And I’m not interested. Jack: (Dropping his hand) Can I just say you are the most beautiful girl here? Rapunzel: You can, but then my boyfriend would have to punch you…and you look like a guy who cares about his appearance too much to want a broken nose. You’d hate to come out looking like Pinocchio. Jack: Feisty! I like it!

Snow: Jack:

(Desperately) I can be feisty! Well, Rapunzel, if you decide to dump the boxer, give me a call. Here’s my number. (Jack hands Rapunzel his card. Jack walks away and the paparazzi fall instep behind him. Snow snatches the card from Rapunzel and rushes after Jack. Beast walks over to Rapunzel with two glasses of punch.) Beast: What was that about? Rapunzel: Nothing. Beast: Well, (Offers her a glass) I brought you some punch. Rapunzel: Is it diet? Beast: (Caught off guard) Well…no…I don’t think so. Rapunzel: (Disgusted) You keep it. (Beast slugs down both glasses and tosses the empty cups on the floor.) Rapunzel: You’re a werewolf, not a pig. Don’t make a mess. (Rapunzel picks up both cups.) Beast: Sorry, dear. Rapunzel: Let’s get out of here. This party is lame. (Rapunzel and Beast leave as the lights go down.) Scene Three (Tink stands center stage in another weird outfit. She holds a cordless mic in her hand. The

March Hare stands off to one side of her holding a camera. The Mad Hatter stands on the other side with a camera. Peter stands in the background playing with his phone. Sleeping Beauty stands next to Tink.) Tink: Welcome to Dust’d; the show where magic and mayhem meet. I’m your host, Tink R. Belle. Today on Dust’d, Sleeping Beauty has set up her four friends. Beauty: I’m setting up my friends to be “Dust’d”, Tink! Tink: Sleeping Beauty has set up Jack, Beast, Rapunzel, and Snow. How do you think they’ll react today? Beauty: I think we’ll see some fur fly…mostly Beast’s. Tink: (Laughing kindly at the lame joke) So we’re bringing the couples out here to meet, but once they get out here they’ll get “Dust’d”. (Sleeping Beauty cheers.) Tink: (No longer speaking into the mic) And cut. (The March Hare and Mad Hatter lower the cameras.) Tink: Okay, Beauty, you’re done. Beauty: My fifteen minutes of fame took about ten seconds! Tink: That’s Enchantedwood for you.

(Sleeping Beauty pouts. Peter directs her offstage without looking up from his phone. She exits.) Tink: (To Peter) How’d I do? (Peter crosses over to Tink.) Peter: Sounds great…but what’s the prank? Tink: (In a long breath) Well, both guys like on girl but the girl only likes one of the guys and her best friend likes the other guy but he still likes the other girl so I’m gonna make both guys like the other girl instead. Peter: Wait. What? Tink: The guys are going to like the other girl. Peter: (Pocketing his phone) Are you sure that’s a good idea, Tink? Tink: How could it not be? When it’s all over with, they’ll have a good laugh and I’ll become famous… Peter: You’re tampering with people’s emotions, Tink… Tink: (Getting upset) You’d know all about that, wouldn’t you?! Peter: (Annoyed) And what do you mean by that?! Tink: Don’t play dumb, Peter! Peter: I’m not playing! Hare: Quiet! Hatter: They’re coming! Tink: Quickly, get the cameras going. You’ll need this.

(Tink sprinkles pixie dust on everyone.) Tink: They shouldn’t be able to see us, now. (Jack enters annoyed as the March Hare and Mad hatter bring up their equipment. Snow follows after Jack frantically.) Snow: So, a dwarf walks into a bar and asks the giant behind the bar for a drink. The giant tells him it’ll be five dollars and the dwarf asks, “Can you help me out, pal? I’m a little short.” (Snow laughs at her joke but Jack rolls his eyes.) Jack: She was supposed to meet me out here. Where is she? Snow: Who are you looking for, honey? Jack: I’m not your “honey” and I’m looking for Rapunzel. I don’t know what you’re doing. Snow: You sent me a note to meet you out here. Jack: I did no such thing! I hardly know you. Snow: You know me more than you know Rapunzel. Jack: But she and I are meant to be together. Snow: Do you realize she has a boyfriend? Jack: She’ll come to her senses eventually and see I’m the obvious choice. (Jack rushes offstage.) Snow: Jack, wait for me! (Snow follows after him as the lights go down.)

Scene Four (Peter and Tink stand center stage. Peter’s phone is put away. Tink has removed some of the weird pieces of her outfit. They stare at each other in silence for along moment.) Tink: I’m sorry, Peter… Peter: It’s me who should be sorry. Tink: Thanks, Peter, but you don’t’ even know why you’re apologizing. Peter: Because I doubted your creative genius? Tink: (Laughing sadly) No…I knew you had no clue. It’s my fault for not speaking up at the time. Peter: (Taking Tink’s hand) Tell me now, then. (Tink pulls her hand free.) Tink: There’s no point in explaining now… (Tink wipes away a tear and rushes offstage.) Peter: (Calling after her) Tink! Wait! (Peter runs offstage after her as Beast and Rapunzel enter from the opposite direction. They hold hands and cross center stage.) Rapunzel: It’s beautiful tonight, isn’t it? Beast: (Staring at Rapunzel) Yea… Rapunzel: The stars… Beast: Beautiful… Rapunzel: The full moon…

Beast: moon?

(Snapping out of his daze) “Full”

(Beast quickly looks up panicked.) Rapunzel: Why would you have me meet you during the full moon? Beast: I’m only out here because you asked me here. Rapunzel: (Defensive) This wasn’t my idea… Beast: It wasn’t mi(Beast clenches at his stomach in pain and rushes offstage.) Rapunzel: Oh! Quit being a cry baby! We’re finishing this conversation when you change back. Then you’re bringing me on a real date; some place romantic like Poisoned Applebee’s. (Rapunzel slowly exits off after Beast as the lights go down.) Scene Five (Beast crawls onstage and curls up like a puppy, asleep behind a rock. The Mad Hatter and March Hare are posted at opposite corners of the stage filming. Tink enters and sprinkles pixie dust on Beast. Snow enters as Tink rushes upstage to watch.) Snow: (Talking to herself) Maybe I should have taken Rapunzel’s advice and gotten a spray tan…teased my hair…

Jack is in love with her so she must have something I don’t… (Beast stirs.) Snow: It’s not fair that Rapunzel should have both Beast and Jack. She doesn’t even like Jack. Maybe that’s it. I’m trying too hard. I have to be cold and stand-off-ish. (Beast groans and stands up. He rubs his eyes sleepily before gazing at Snow. His expression changes. He is utterly in love with Snow, now.) Beast: Snow White… Snow: (Startled) Oh! (Embarrassed) Sorry, Beast, I didn’t see you there. How much of that did you hear? Beast: Now. Please, repeat all of it. Snow: Oh, good, never mind. Beast: Please, indulge me in your thoughts. Your voice and mind are almost as beautiful as you. Snow: (Confused) Wait…what? Beast: Oh, I’m sorry, am I too far away to hear? (Beast quickly closes the distance between them.) Beast: I merely said how gorgeous you are. Snow: Apparently not “gorgeous” enough for Jack! Beast: (Taking Snow’s hand) Sweet, Snow, let’s not talk about that vile Jack. Snow: (Pulling back annoyed) As long as Rapunzel loves you, you don’t need to

Beast: How? Snow:

make fun of the person I like. You should be happy that Rapunzel chose you. (Laughing) Happy with that orange?!

Oranges are short and round. I, at least, compared her to a carrot. Beast: A baby carrot, at most. She is small and childish. She could take a note from you. Snow: (Frustrated) Oh, now I see what you’re trying to do! You saw how upset I was about Rapunzel and Jack so you thought I’d be an easy target for your stupid game! “Let’s mess with Snow more. See how broken I can make her.” Beast: Broken? No, my love, I would never want to hurt you. Snow: You’re a jerk! Why not just cut out my heart and put it in a jewelry box?! I’m going to find Jack. (Snow storms offstage and Beast follows after her like a lost puppy as the lights go down.) Scene Six (Tink is onstage writing in a notebook quietly. Peter enters and sneaks up behind her.) Peter: What are you writing? Tink: (Quickly shutting the notebook) Nothing!


(Hurt) Tink…we used to share everything. Now, you’re upset with me and you won’t even tell me why. Tink: It’s…complicated, Peter. Peter: Help me understand. Tink: You want to know? (Tink hands Peter the notebook. He flips to the first page.) Peter: (Amazed) Tink…I didn’t know you could draw. This is…wow! (Peter flips a few pages.) Peter: What’s this? Tink: Just read it. Peter: “I’m not sure if I should tell him that I dress like a crazy person so that he notices what I’m wearing. I’m not sure if I should tell him I think about him while I sing love songs with the radio. I’m not sure if I should tell him I want to be famous only so he will see me. I’m not sure if I should tell him how adorable I find his face when he’s reading his phone. I’m not sure if I should tell him that I long for us to grow old. Together. I’m not sure if I should tell him how much it hurt”… (Looking up)Is that the end? How did he hurt her? Tink: (Almost in tears) You still don’t get it! (Tink snatches back the notebook as the March Hare and Mad Hatter enter with their equipment

held up. Snow and Beast enter after them, unaware of the camera crew, Tink, or Peter.) Snow: Leave me alone! I figured out your dumb game already! You can drop the act! Beast: What act, my sweet? Snow: (On the verge of tears) Stop it! (Snow blows past the camera crew and offstage. Beast rushes after her. The March Hare and Mad Hatter lower their equipment.) Hare: This is some must-see TV, here! Hatter: It’s part comedy, part tragedy! (The March Hare and Mad Hatter exit off the direction of Snow and Beast.) Peter: Tink…I… Tink: I need to stop this before Jack wakes up. Peter: What happens when he wakes up? Tink: (Rushing offstage) He falls in love with Snow, too. (The lights go down.) Scene Seven (Snow enters followed closely by Beast. Jack is sleeping at center stage. The March Hare and Mad Hatter are filming.) Beast: My love… Snow: Aren’t you sick of following me, yet? Beast: No, I love you.


If you love me, then you’ll have no trouble telling Jack that Rapunzel’s all his. (Snow points to Jack.) Beast: Absolutely, dear. (Snow rolls her eyes, but stops short as Beast wakes up Jack.) Beast: (To Jack) Rapunzel is all yours. (Jack stands up. He, too, has become enthralled with Snow. He crosses to her and kisses her hand.) Beast: Don’t touch her! Jack: (To Snow) You truly are the fairest of them all. (Snow allows herself to believe Jack until Beast steps between them.) Snow: (Snapping to reality) Oh, now I see! He’s a part of your game, too?! That’s cold! Jack: (Lost) What do you mean “cold”, Snow? What game? Snow: You two have a sick sense of humor! You must think I’m pretty dumb. Jack: Pretty? Yes. Dumb? No. Snow: You are horrible people! (In tears) Did you want to hurt me? Do you take some sick pleasure in seeing me cry? I give up, Jack! You win! Rapunzel can have you both! (Rapunzel entered near the end of Snow’s rant and stood with her arms crossed in the background.)

Rapunzel: (To Beast) What is she talking about? Snow: Their dumb prank. Rapunzel: What prank? Snow: They want me to believe they are both in love with me. Beast: (Defensive) Because I am! Rapunzel: (Crossing to Beast) What do you mean, you love Snow? I thought we were going to get married and live happily ever after. (Rapunzel takes Beast’s hand, but beast shakes her off. She reaches out for him and he crosses to the other side of Snow.) Rapunzel: (Turning on Snow) What have you done? You thief! You’ve stolen his heart! Snow: You’re a part of it, too? I thought you were my friend, but you’re in on this trick. You would turn on me for your own amusement. I will not stay here and listen to your cruel joke any longer! (Snow starts to leave, but Jack reaches for her hand. She allows him to hold her hand for a brief second before shaking it, and him, off.) Beast: Don’t leave, my love. Rapunzel: “My love”! (To Snow) You witch! Snow: Takes one to know one. (Rapunzel rushes over to Snow and slaps her. Snow pulls Rapunzel’s long hair. They claw at

each other as the guys separate them. Beast holds back Snow. Jack holds back Rapunzel.) Beast: (To Rapunzel) Anger does not become you. Rapunzel: (Defeated) What’s happened? (Rapunzel collapses to the ground helplessly. Jack doesn’t attend to her, but crosses to Snow.) Snow: (Sobbing) Leave me alone! (Snow rushes offstage as the lights go down.) Scene Eight (Tink stands in the background as Beast rushes onstage. She waves her wand and he crashes to the ground in a snoring heap. Jack rushes on and the same thing happens.) Peter: (Rushing onstage) Tink, ITink: Shh! (Whispering) They’re asleep! Peter: But I need toTink: Wait until I clear this whole mess up. Peter: I can’t wait! (As Peter is about to speak, Rapunzel rushes onstage. Tink waves her wand before Rapunzel can even reach center stage. Rapunzel drops. Snow runs on crying, but trips over Rapunzel and gets knocked unconscious.) Tink: Moon in the sky and starlight gleam. You’ll think this all an awful dream.

For when you wake up today. With your true love you will stay. (The four lovers stir in unison, sigh, and fall back asleep.) Tink: I need to find the Mad Hatter and the March Hare. (She walks offstage. Peter follows frantically after her. After a moment, Jack awakens.) Jack: Snow? (He spots her and walks over to her.) Jack: Snow White? (He leans down and kisses her. She blinks awake.) Snow: How cliché! (She giggles and he laughs.) Snow: Was it real? Jack: What? Snow: (Blushing) The kiss? You actually like me? Jack: Of course! Snow: (Remembering) But Beast…and Rapunzel hated me. And I was mad at you…but it was a dream…wasn’t it? Jack: That part was. Snow: Are you sure? (Snow goes over and wakes Beast.) Snow: Can I get a kiss? Beast: Not from me, I hope. (Snow throws her arms around Beast in relief. Jack wakes Rapunzel.) Rapunzel: (To Snow) Get away from him! Snow: No problem.

(Snow goes over to Jack as Rapunzel goes over to Beast. Rapunzel and Beast hug and Jack and Snow hold hands.) Rapunzel: It was all a dream? Snow: Yes…a horrible, horrible dream. (Lights down.) Scene Nine (Tink holds the DVD in her hands. She studies it, debating what to do with it. Peter enters and crosses to Tink.) Peter: Tink, I have to talk to you. Tink: (Shrugging) Go ahead. Peter: (Quickly, without a breath) All those girls who reattached my shadow or told me stories…they mean nothing to me. They never have. It’s always been the two of us for as long as I can remember. You’re my best friend. You don’t need to dress in wild outfits to get my attention. Tink, I love you. I always have. Tink: Wait…what? (Peter grabs her and kisses her in a dramatic fashion. When he lets her go, she is momentarily stunned.) Tink: (With a giggle) About time! (She snaps the DVD in half.) Peter: What about your “big break”? Tink: (Shyly) I thought if I were famous, you’d notice me.

Peter: You think I didn’t notice you before? Tink: You’re so busy on your phone sometimes. Peter: (Handing over his phone) Here Check my history. Tink: (Reading the phone) Most of the time you’re on my page? (Tink smiles and hands him back the phone.) Tink: Check your Facebook. Peter: (Reading the phone) “Tink R. Belle and Peter Pan are now in a relationship”. Tink: That okay? Peter: Duh! (Lights down as they hug.)

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