Dandy’s Revenge by Mikey DiLoreto Dandy, the 13th reindeer, has just topped the New York Times
Bestseller List. He or she (gender neutral) is being interviewed by a major TV host. Onstage should be one chair, one end table, a book, and a coffee mug. Sound and light cues are at the director’s discretion. Costume should indicate a reindeer, but not be overt (read: no hooves, SMALL antlers).
Dandy: Hi, Chuck. Thank you so much for having me on the show. I am just thrilled to be here. (Pause) I know, right? I couldn’t believe it made the New York Times Non-Fiction bestseller list. I mean, wow. What an honor and something I could never have even expected. What a wild ride this has been. (Pause) A Pulitzer? Well, let’s not get ahead of ourselves…but wouldn’t that just be the icing on the cake that I’m gonna shove down that evil fascist fucking drunk’s throat. (Pause) Oh, yes, I do apologize. You must understand, I’m a reindeer and I don’t really get the whole FCC thing. Don’t you humans have that BEEP button that suggests the obscenity, but we don’t actually get to bask in its decisive filth. (A sigh) Ah, things are different in the wild. You see, we get to actually talk…(Pause) What? (Pause) Yes, yes, quite true, I did mention a lot of censorship in the book, but, correct me if I’m wrong, if you turn to Chapter Seven of my tell all book, Dandy the 13th Reindeer: A Tell All Tale of Revenge Against the Red Coated Bastard… (Pause) Bastard, Chuck, is in the Merriam-Webster dictionary, and is a legitimate word. Yes? Now, may I continue? (Pause) Thank you. As I was saying, if you turn to Chapter Seven of my tell all book, Dandy the 13th Reindeer: A Tell All Tale of Revenge Against the Red Coated BEEP, you will see that I plainly describe that censorship against the reindeer kind was only in the presence of elves, trolls, and the fat man himself. All we were allowed to do is grunt and make these weird pig-like noises so that Kringle wouldn’t ever feel too inferior to our decidedly more intelligent kind. (Pause) Yes. Yes. They were quite destructive to our physical and emotional well-being. The abuse was just awful. Wouldn’t you run away too? Restricted food and water so as to gain muscle mass. Beatings at least twice a day to ensure our submissiveness. Rigorous calisthenics beginning in May to keep in shape for the “big day” with the “big man.” I mean, come on, he says he’s 250, but let the record show he is at least 400. On a good day. After a big…well, you know. (Pause) And, and…(about to cry) he’d make us tap dance for him. Yes. Yes! We were his chorus girls. My hooves would ache every Saturday. It was so humiliating, but I digress. (Pause) Mrs. Claus? Did you read my book, Chuck? I dedicated the whole damn thing to her. So sweet she is. Always giving extra hay and fresh water. Always sneaking out and massaging our hinds. And goddamn, she’s a great lay. (Pause) What? Oh come on, she swings like 5 ways, who cares?! I’d inflate the air sac in my throat and she would go wilder than a boar! (Pause) Oh, for Christ’s sake, get over it! You’re interviewing a damn reindeer,
it takes TWENTY-FIVE of us to pull that sleigh. oh bite my ass.who wrote a book with his hooves. fat chick. which is no easy task and I thank Jesus for spell check every day. (Pause) My book is not as vulgar as I am. But.THE REINDEER REVOLUTION WILL BE TELEVISED AND COMING SOON TO A ROOF NEAR YOU!!!!! FUCK YOU. when that MOTHERFUCKER whips all 25 of us. It’s what editors are…(Beat) WHAT DID YOU JUST ASK ME?! A detriment to the children of the world? Are you kidding? To the CHILDREN?! What about us. those 9 get all the damn glory because they give good antler. Chuck and get over the language. I was totally ridiculed but no song was ever written about… DON’T YOU DARE CUT ME OFF. especially you kiddies out there. (Blackout)
. and you know that. Huh? You like that? I was teased. people. but is actually reddening his nose) Rudy isn’t the only one of us with a red nose. Yes. and we usually lose a few poor reindeer souls along the way from pure muscle exhaustion. Chuck? Do we not feel any pain when that motherfucker. of course. CHUCK?! You son of a…. And you know what? (Dandy pulls out a makeup pad and seemingly is taking off make up. SANTA CLAUS. yet I’m the crazy one for getting my jollies off with an old.