As I said to Michael Jordan just last week


I never name drop myself.

~ Anonymous

I’m an idealist:
I don t know where I’m going but I’m on my way.

~ Carl Sandburg

I’d like to tell you some jokes now, but you’d only laugh.

~ Milton Berle

It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.

~ Mark Twain

I was told to be accurate, be brief, and then be seated.
So I promise I shall be as brief possible - no matter how long it takes me.

~ Willard Pearson

Once you get people laughing, they’re listening and you can tell them almost anything.

~ Herb Gardner

You can live to be a hundred, if you give up all the things that make you want to live to a hundred.

~ Woody Allen

As one cat said to another:
Birthdays are like fur balls the more you have, the more you gag.

~ Marla Morgan

Looking fifty is great - if you’re sixty.

~ Joan Rivers

For weeks I’ve been telling him not to buy anything for my birthday, and he still forgot to bring me something.

~ Tanya Noe

He’s so old his social security number is two digits.

~ Brian Morgan

My health is good; it’s my age that’s bad.

~ Roy Acuff

I stay away from natural foods.
At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.

~ George Burns

At eighty-eight, how do I feel when I get up in the morning?
. . . . Amazed!

~ Ludwigh von Mises

Of all the things I miss, the thing I miss the most is my mind.

~ Lotus Wienstock

After thirty, a body has a mind of its own.

~ Bette Midler

Pushing fifty is exercise enough.

Sometimes I feel that I’m not just aging . . .
I m decomposing.

~ Fletcher Anderson

You know you’re getting old when you stoop down to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you re down there.

~ George Burns

The really frightening thing about middle age is the knowledge that you’ll grow out of it.

~ Doris Day

When I think of my dad as a little boy, I tend to think of him in black and white.

The secret to longevity is to keep breathing.

~ Sophie Tucker

People who have the most birthdays live the longest.

~ Jean Bucher

Age is mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

~ Satchel Paige

There are three signs of old age: loss of memory. . . I forget the other two.

~ Red Skelton

To what do you attribute your advanced age?
Well, I suppose I must attribute it to the fact that I have not died.

~ Sir Malcolm Sargent

I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.
~ Albert Einstein

When Julia Child was asked to what she credited her longevity, she replied, Red meat and gin.

I’m at an age where my back goes out more than I do.

~ Phyllis Diller

You know you are getting older when happy hour is a nap.

~ Gray Kristofferson

You’re only young once, but you can always be immature.

~ Dave Barry

I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

~ Winston Churchill

If anything happens to me, tell every woman I’ve ever gone with I was talking about her at the end.
That way, they’ll have to re-evaluate me.

~ Albert Brooks

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying.

~ Woody Allen

The other night, while lying on the couch, I reviewed the high points of my life, then fell asleep.

Let us so live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.

~ Mark Twain

The trouble with life in the fast lane is that you get to the other end in an awful hurry.

~ John Jensen

Ninety percent of living is just showing up.

~ Woody Allen

The best way to get praise is to die.

~ Italian proverb

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

~ Johnny Carson

I do not believe in the afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

~ Woody Allen

Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.

~ Woody Allen

Death is just nature’s way of telling you to slow down.

~ Dick Sharples

Life is not a dress rehearsal.

~ Rose Tremain

I’m not afraid to die.
I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

~ Woody Allen

Everybody’s got to die sometime. That’s life.

~ Archie Bunker

A group of people who keep minutes and waste hours.

~ Milton Berle

An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less.

~ Nicholas M. Butler

Nothing in fine print is ever good news.

~ Andy Rooney

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up - because they are looking for ideas.

~ Paula Poundstone

After being on the road so much I want to spend more time with my family, who I hear are wonderful people.

~ Howie Mandel

Don’t be humble. You’re not that great.
~ Golda Meir

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.

~ Mark Twain

I succeed him; no one could replace him.

~ Thomas Jefferson

The man whose conscience never troubles him must have it pretty well trained.

Always do right.
This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest.

~ Mark Twain

A person’s reputation is a mixture of what his friends, enemies, and relatives say behind his back.

The motto in the workaholic Silicon Valley is: Stop for lunch and you are lunch.

I often feel like the director of a cemetery. I have a lot of people under me, but nobody listens.

~ General John Gavin

Sign up to vote on this title
UsefulNot useful