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Britney vs Justin - The Verdict
It started as the modern day John Lennon and Yoko Ono. T wo popular celebrities shacking up and ranking a solid 8.7 on the Feel Good Scale. T hen, before you could say ‘skanky hoe’ it all came tumbling down. T imberlake has enjoyed a meteoric rise to stardom. He’s cast off his boy band surrounds and has become arguably both the most popular male musician on the planet, and the man most women want beneath the sheets with them. On the other hand you have Britney Spears. Once hailed as the face of modern pop music, Britney’s career has sunk faster and more dramatically than the T itanic. It’s been one horrific incident after another for the former pop princess. So with 2008 now upon us, let’s have a look at just why JT won the war against Britney in both the popularity and the life stakes. Ultimately JT could raise the victory flag because of 3 deciding factors. 1: T he relationship revenge JT kicked things off with a brilliant and unmistakable act of pop culture revenge. His song ‘cry me a river’ ranked a solid 9.8 on Bill Simmons’ Vengeance Scale. Sure the song itself was impossible to listen to, and only JT ’s biggest fans would ever dare to pass it off as actual ‘music’, but it was all about the video clip. For those who haven’t seen it, check it out on youtube here. Now that you’ve seen it, just take a moment. WOW! T alk about professional revenge! Basically, the implication is that Britney cheated on him and this was his ultimate case for vengeance. Maximus would have been proud of JT ’s efforts here. Not only did the song go number 1, but suddenly, Britney was painted as the archetype ‘bad person’. You see, when they broke up, Britney still had a semblance of the all American ‘girl next door’ angle to her. Until this. If JT ’s ultimate goal was to start Britney’s new public image as a skank… then this was the greatest publicity move in the history of music videos. Verdict: JT wins 2: T he next career move JT decided that being the front man of a boy band was a bit too low key for him, so he launched a solo career. He did this by embracing his sex symbol image with an awesome album – Justified. T he album was a massive hit and clubs around the world now had an official anthem to play at 1am on the dance floor – Seniorita. Seriously, I went to a lot of clubs when this album came out and you could set your watch to when this song would come on. What did Britney do? Well, after more and more allegations of her sex life started to surface, she decided that the only album she could release needed to embrace her slutty image. So, she released the album ‘Britney’. Now, it didn’t have the most inventive title, but some of the songs… scratch that… ALL of the songs were down right ridiculous. Perhaps the most hilarious example was her song ‘touch of my hand’ which is about… well I’m sure you can all guess. So what were the next career steps? JT releasing a solo number 1 album cementing himself as the next big thing in male music, and Britney releasing a self titled album that screamed the message “ I am a slut’. Aside from the fact that we already knew this, she decided to broadcast it in surround sound. It’s the equivalent of Simon Katich releasing a cricket autobiography titled: ‘I suck at cricket’ – hardly breaking news. Also, remember that they’ve both had attempts at movies as well. Britney starred as the lead actress in the train wreck film Crossroads. T his movie deserves a place in the 20 worst films of all time list. Watching it, I didn’t know how to react. It was like watching someone throw up. You feel disgusted, but you can’t look away. Oh, it flopped at the box office. What was JT ’s attempt? Shrek 3. How much safer could he have gone? No matter what happened in this film, he was always going to come out ahead. If it was a success, then he was a major star. If it was a flop, he could fob it off because he was only doing a voice. Brilliant! Incidentally, it was a hit and this has only added more fuel to his star power fire. Verdict: JT wins 3: T he next relationships and Britney’s total meltdown After JT released his album, he decided that another high profile romance was on the cards. So he got together with none other than Charlie’s Angel Cameron Diaz. Ka-Pow! T his was a truly outstanding move. Not only was Cameron Diaz one of the top 5 hottest actresses on the planet, she had a good 7 years on him. T his was further indication that JT was punching above his weight. T he bad rap was that it may have been just a fling. Well, he smashed those rumours for 6. T he relationship ended up lasting a good few years. In fact, it lasted for longer than the combined total of Britney’s 2 marriages - more on those in a moment. Ultimately though, JT walked away from the Britney relationship with a number 1 album, Britney before she entered the 'skank' era T he once famed 'Dream Couple'
on those in a moment. Ultimately though, JT walked away from the Britney relationship with a number 1 album, incredible celebrity status, and a smoking hot girlfriend who was even more famous than he was. Not a bad effort I say. On the other end of the scale, we have Britney. Britney’s relationships went from bad to worse, to just downright humiliating. T his all culminated in her surprise marriage to a high school ‘friend’ in a drunken 3am service in Vegas. Hardly the stuff of great romance really. T his marriage was annulled faster than you could say ‘show me the money!’ and it was off into the dating world once more. Suddenly, along comes the world famous Kevin Federline, aka K-Fedd – a former Spears backup dancer who already had a daughter from a previous 1 year failed marriage. When their engagement was announced Britney said “ I’ve kissed a lot of frogs but I’ve finally found my prince’. Ok, when I wrote that I threw up a little in my mouth… give me a second… ok I’m good. So, off to the chapel they went and soon there was little Sean Preston Federline in the world. T his is one of those rare births which should have been sent to the courts. Britney raising a child had to be classified as child abuse somewhere right? Little did we know what was to come! Soon, there was baby number 2 and for a fleeting moment, it seemed the impossible could happen – this marriage could last. Of course it didn’t with K - Fedd being dumped by text message. In fact, it can be seen here! God bless youtube. So, did this mean that Britney was cutting her losses and back on track. Once again the answer was a resounding no. Britney’s bizarre exploits took her to a Beverly Hills hairdresser where she shaved HER OWN head. Click here for more. T hen, on her son’s 2nd birthday Britney decided to try and launch her new album with a performance in Vegas. Critics said she looked ‘fat’, ‘dizzy’, ‘disoriented’, ‘out of it’, etc… and they were the nice comments. Meanwhile, what did K-Fedd do? He threw a birthday party for his son. T he unthinkable had happened. K-Fedd now looked like the good parent! T hat absolutely destroyed the unintentional comedy scale. I think I laughed myself to sleep that night. Now, Britney’s in hospital where she is under 24 hour supervision as she’s apparently a danger to both others, and herself. Her sister is pregnant at 16, and her mum is about to release a book on parenting skills – the equivalent of Julia Gillard releasing a book on public speaking. Meanwhile, JT just finished a world tour which further established him as the most popular male musician in the world, and he’s now in a relationship with one of the hottest girls alive, Jessica Biel. Not bad eh? At this point, I’m prepared too call victory for Justin T imberlake over the calcified Britney Spears. What happens next you ask? I have a predication for each. JT continues his world wide stardom until he enters his mid thirties and releases a ‘has been’ album and then quietly goes off into rock star retirement with billions of dollars and a supermodel on each arm. Britney gets married again to her travelling secretary, has baby number 3, subsequently divorces him and ends up in Australia as Julia Gillard's hair and makeup consultant. Ok maybe not, but one thing is certain… JT has won the war. Click here to email Dylan about the above column. Click here to go back to the homepage. I think the majority of all sane people would rather watch Shrek 3 than Crossroads
A match made in heaven
Britney's hot new look
Jessica Biel was the icing on the cake of JT 's victory