So Charlie and I have had our big talk and still nothing is better, or even remotely resembles being

fixed. Which isn’t a total surprise, Charlie isn’t exactly the friendliest people person, she’s actually the complete opposite. She tends to piss off more people on a regular and daily basis than George Bush has done in his last eight years as president. Despite all of that I still for some unknown reason, care about this girl. Even after how rude, and annoying, and frustrating she has been, I somehow am able to look past it all and remember the countless times she’s made me smile, laugh, cry, and feel an unexplainable rush of joy that I only ever got when being with her. She’s been a constant fixture in my life for the past few years and although at times its been rough and difficult I hate to think of my life without her. I’d rather just take the bad, so that I can also experience the good. I know your probably thinking that I am naïve, delusional, maybe even completely crazy and out of my mind, but when I feel truly loved by Charlie I feel invincible. Its like nothing in the world can break me because no matter what she’s there and that just makes everything okay. I feel elated like I’m above everything and nothing in the universe could ever bring me down. I think that’s why I do it, no one else has ever made me feel so happy, complete, angry, nervous, ecstatic, and alive. I’m only living when I’m with her, the rest of the time I’m merely existing until the next time I can be with her. She scares me because she’s so different and out of my normal range but its exciting, she makes me want to try new things. Which if you know me is like a miracle. I am a semi conservative republican who downright hates change. At least that’s who I was until Charlie came into my life, she threw my life into total chaos and its been the most thrilling thing I’ve ever dealt with. She’s everything I didn’t know I wanted. This probably sounds semi generic. A straight, uptight high school girl falls in love with the strange, out there lesbian girl, I get it. But I think it just may surprise you, I even hope it might inspire a few of you. Knowing Charlie has certainly inspired me, she’s taught me to figure out who you are and embrace it, how to live each day and make it mean something, to take risks, but most of all she has taught me how to love without fear. Eventually, that is. It took me a while to learn that lesson, so I might have missed my chance with her but never say never, right? I guess for all of this to make sense to you I’ll have to take you

back to where it all began . . . . I am seventeen years old. I was born and raised in Portland, Oregon, in fact I’ve never left the West Coast and yes I am fully aware that in this day and age that is totally sad. I am an on and off Catholic, I love music, photography, cooking, and houses. I hate school, science and bugs. I started Grant High School when I was fourteen years old, which meant I had to leave my neighborhood school district in North Portland and all the friends I had gone to school with since kindergarten. But in exchange I got to go to the fancy school in Northeast Portland, aka the Hollywood district which is nothing like the real thing except for the fact that all the people there are so snooty and stuck up they probably think they are in Hollywood, CA. I really hate Northeast, I am a small town girl at heart trapped in a big city full of people with even bigger egos. Freshman year was difficult I really missed my friends from home but fortunately through PE I met some new friends. Taylor, Stephanie, Sarah, Rachel, Haley, and Charlie. They had gone to school together since kindergarten, except Charlie who moved from Arizona in fifth grade. So I quickly found myself in a new school with new friends, while my old ones slowly started fading from my life. By sophomore year I had lost all of my old friends and become quite close with my new ones, especially one in particular, Charlie. Charlie and I had the typical on and off relationship, although the off part was mainly always my fault. There was about one month though where it was perfect bliss. We volunteered at the MS society together, we went to the movies during spring break, we watched the finale of ANTM together, we went to the mall, she even watched the Real World: Denver for me. She was one of the best friends I have ever had. She knew I had trust issues and she tried really hard to get me to let her in. Unfortunately, for me, I did. Problem was there was a reason I was trying to keep her out, I knew even back then, in sophomore year that I had fallen quite hard and I was in love with her. I wanted so desperately to be the one she wanted, I tried everything to get her attention, but she never saw me in that way. I know that because I once told her I loved her and it was about as ugly after that as Amy Winehouse. After my brief dance with honesty our relationship was never quite the same, she backed way off, the closeness we had

once shared was shattered. It was nothing more than a broken lamp crying in the corner of a dark room. Now as always there is more to the story, and once I explain it you’ll probably get so tired of hearing about the same, cliché, love triangle you’ll stop reading and that’s fine. I understand completely. This is where the story gets messy but I cant leave Stephanie out of it because she has dictated so much of what’s happened with Charlie and I. See Stephanie is my “wifey”, she and I have been best friends since we met three years ago. We’ve shared countless good times, birthdays, dragon boat practices and races, I even went on vacation to Canada with her and her dad one summer. The only problem is, she is also best friends with Charlie. So Charlie and I used to have a major competition over who was closer to Steph. Yes it was stupid and an obvious waste of time, but at the time it seemed of great importance. I also think that Charlie may secretly be in love with Steph, because of the way Charlie acts around Steph. Consequently, the battle over Steph has brought Charlie and I together at times and others it is what’s forced our separation. Another person in my tangled web of life who has some relevance is Allison. Allison was my first girlfriend. I met her freshman year and we had a four day relationship, during my “bi phase”. Now there are three main reasons why I had that relationship with Allison. The first one is because at the time I cared for her deeply, the second one is because I wanted to show Charlie that I too could be a lesbian, I know its ridiculously stupid. Lastly, and perhaps more stupid than the previous reason, I secretly wanted to make Charlie jealous. I wanted Charlie to notice me and see me with a girl so she’d think to herself, “hey that’s my girl”, but I doubt that thought ever occurred in Charlie’s pretty head. But this story isn’t about Ally, its about Charlie. Though I bet by now most of you are tired of hearing about Charlie, well join the club. I know it makes no sense. If she irritates me that much why am I so caught up with her? I ask myself that very question more times than I’d like to admit. Because every single time I end up at the same reason I’ve tried to ignore for the past three years. Love. I love her more than words can explain, more than a person should, more than I ever thought I could give to someone else, so much it makes me do

dumb and crazy things. For the majority of my relationship with Charlie all I’ve really wanted was to be close to her, but either she or I would end up screwing it up. I guess I’m just chasing that closeness as an addict would chase a high. She makes me feel better than anyone else has the power to and I just want to feel that way all the time. I love being near her, I love the feeling she gives me. I love her. Despite all of our issues, our differences, and her quirks, I love her. Which makes me a moron and a fool, another cliché, jeez they seem to be defining my life these days, don’t they? She’s the only place my heart can ever call home because she’s the only one who has made me feel home. So today is Friday and it was also toga day at school. Now toga day is an honored tradition at Grant High School, and has been for years. It basically just means that all the seniors wear sheets or aka “togas” and at the pep assembly we have senior power signs and we chant and say mean things to the underclassmen. It is an odd tradition and one that I don’t fully get the point of. But anyway, Charlie wore a toga today and I kind of melted, she looked so sweet and innocent, delicate even. The reason this surprised me so much is because Charlie looks like your typical dyke regularly. She has a short boy haircut and blonde chunks in her brown hair, brown eyes that can just about make you forget your own name, she is short, about 5’4 and a tad chunky, plus she dresses more manly than anyone with a vagina ever should. But today most of that was stripped away, the only thing she had to hide under today was a thin white cotton sheet with stars on it. As I get further into this I feel as though the story isn’t flowing as smoothly as I intended it to. Which is weird because this is what usually happens when I talk to Charlie, but now it appears I can’t even write about her without getting all fluttery and tongue tied. Ah the power she has over me, she can make me nervous even when she’s all the way across town. I wonder if that’s normal. Because honestly nothing with Charlie feels normal at times, sometimes it feels like the worst, stupidest, way out of character thing I have ever done. I don’t know if its because I’ve never felt this way before or if it is because she’s a girl. She can make me feel like the biggest fool one moment and the next she can smile at me and make me forget everything. Make me remember all of the things I love about her. Make me erase any doubt I ever entertained. That’s how wonderfully unique she is,

everything is a surprise. Yet on certain occasions’ I can predict her like any given person could predict Tabitha Stevens will get more plastic surgery. For example, my sixteenth birthday party. My parents arranged for a few friends and I to have dinner at my favorite Italian restaurant, and of course Charlie was there. The dinner went great and everyone seemed to enjoy themselves, but at the end of the evening when Charlie had to leave she got up and looked at me and I looked at her. My eyes saying “I don’t want you to leave, give me a hug at least before you do.” Before I knew it she had came over and we were hugging, it was incredible, the only present I remember getting that night. The hug lasted a while because I didn’t want to let her go, I wanted the other people, the restaurant, and everything else to just fade away so that Charlie and I could stay like that forever. Just the two of us sharing an eternal moment of bliss. Soon enough the hug ended, she left, and my internal moment of joy floated away with her. She got on the bus and went home because she was going to a club downtown that night, she had just come to the dinner for my birthday. Another example of how unbelievably sweet she can be. Lucky for me though she texted me almost the entire night while she was at the club, making sure I was awake and making me jealous by telling me about the girls she had been dancing with. That is one of the countless reasons why I love Charlie, she is an amazing friend, she will go out of her way to be there for someone she cares about. You would never guess that under her punk, manly exterior is a sweet, sincere, caring girl. Sometimes I wonder if Charlie ever thinks about me. I think about her probably too often so I’m just curious if when she’s ever alone or even in a crowd, if I ever cross her mind. Because if she doesn’t than that seriously proves me being a stupid fool in love with someone who doesn’t even know they exist. Well she knows I exist although we never interact so to her I might as well not. Sorry for the emo sounding verse this has been a gloomy day on the Charlie front, I still haven’t made any progress in my hopes of rekindling our friendship so that eventually I can finally tell her how I feel and take her in my arms and kiss her. So its almost October and that means its almost Charlie’s birthday. I was a little off with my timing, I thought I still had two weeks to get

her present so I was going to order a really nice poster of May and Walsh, the beach volleyball players we both idolize. But since I only have a few days I have to look outside the box which means praying I can find something spectacular in sucks Ville Portland. This birthday is super important for me so I really don’t want to screw it up. I’m hoping this can be a chance to show her what a good person and friend I can be to her. So I need a perfect present, I really want to knock her off her feet. Translation: I just want her to look at me the way she used to. Like I’m special to her, like I mean something to her, like she almost might love me. And that will never happen if I get her something lousy for her birthday. I know I must sound like the most pathetic person on the planet but I know deep down in my heart that Charlie is my one. She is the only person who noticed when we got a new fridge, or when I dye my hair, or if I don’t smile one day, and she can always tell when something is bothering or wrong with me. Her and I are so similar yet insanely different, we compliment each other. More than that, she is the only person I cant say goodbye to. I got over Jodie, my on and off boyfriend of three years, even Mik, who was my best friend for four years and the person I once claimed to be closer to than anyone. We used to complete each other and I loved her more than anyone because she understood me, but about a year or two ago she became a major pothead and forgot about me. I didn’t even get to say good bye to her but I managed to get over it anyway. Even Heidi, her, Mik, and I were the three musketeers at one time but when Heidi moved to Washington that quickly slipped away. So you see I have dealt with the people I’ve been far closer to than Charlie leaving and I’ve gotten over it. Of course I miss them a little at times but for the most part I’ve mended. Charlie is the one person I cant be without. I felt such a strong connection to her that I’d do anything to get it back, although I don’t completely understand it I know its real and stronger than anything I’ve ever felt before. Plus her senior pictures are really fucking hot. Which is why tomorrow, Sunday afternoon at one, I am going over to Taylor’s to confess to her my lesbianism and my deep love for Charlie. So after my big talk with Taylor I feel really depressed, because it made me realize how much I actually love Charlie and how dim my chances of ever being with her appear to be. There are times when I

feel like bursting into tears every two seconds. But at others I find myself walking through life in a haze, an empty haze where I feel nothing at all. Just numb. I’m not quite sure how to end this, of course I want to give you the fairy tale, happily ever after ending I’ve always dreamed of having, but I might have to face reality and move on. Nothing remotely resembles progress with us, and although I don’t want to give up it might be a good idea. Maybe I can regain my dignity. I have jumped through a thousand hoops for Charlie, gone to the moon and back trying to make her happy but nothing has worked. So maybe nothing ever will. Maybe this time its really over. I hate thinking that, but I have done so much for her and she doesn’t care, she doesn’t even acknowledge my presence anymore. That’s what makes this so hard. I just want my Char back. The one who gave me her coat when we waiting for my dad downtown one night and I was cold, I texted her “thank you”, later that night and she replied, “anytime”. I could really use that now, that girl. The one who knows me better than anyone. The only person to ever offer me their coat. When I look at her now all I can see is her worn blue raincoat and the girl who used to wear it. She was so sweet but now she’s changed, and not for the better. After all of this Charlie mess, I’ve learned that sometimes things don’t work out the way you want them to. But that shouldn’t stop you, like Char said one day, love is the best thing to take a risk on, because it can be so great. No matter what the outcome of Charlie and I becomes, it has been great, getting to know her, being able to spend time with her. It was all worth it, and I’d do it over again countless times, even if it never amounts to anything. Just because the experience was so spectacular. She was one of my best friends and I’d still do anything for her. In knowing her I found myself. She defined the person I’ve become and will most likely have an impact on the rest of my life. I was always so afraid of letting myself feel anything for Charlie, well at least to show what I was feeling but now I know what a huge mistake that was and I'm paying for that mistake in a big way and it haunts me everyday. But at least I'm not afraid anymore. I've learned that you can't worry about what might happen and all the bad or you'll let the good pass right on by. You are simply wasting your time on Earth if your too afraid to feel and more importantly to live. I believe

in destiny and fate, whatever is going to happen is inevitable, there's no preventing it so you shouldn't prevent yourself from living.

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