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The Fives – “To Infinity and Back” (with Chris Mullan)

Prologue – “Humble Beginnings”

The date is 15th December 2005. A school concert at a small Irish school is in full
force. Unbeknownst to the gallant young men and women on the stage, this show
was to be the spark that ignited the flame of Rock in two young rockers hearts.
“I remember watching a band play Van Morrison’s “Brown Eyed Girl” and
thinking to myself, this is my calling,” recalls Matthew “The BabyFace Bass Ace
from Outer Space” Magill. “As the bassist tore into that bass solo, and the cheers
erupted, I knew that one day I, too, would play the bass.”
Meanwhile, on the other side of the hall, a similar event is unfolding:
“Man, if there were two things I wanted to do after that show, it was Rock all
night and Party every day,” adds Conor Fivebretz, lead guitarist of the group.
“During the interval I found Matt, and I could see that he had the same gleam in
his eye that I could feel in my own. We both had one thought only on our mind –
We had to form a band!

Chapter the First – “The Recruitment”

As it turns out, forming an epic Rock Band is easier said than done. Armed only
with 2 beat up old guitars and blind ambition, the two young Rockers needed to
get more people on board. Location was thankfully simple – Matthew’s garage
seemed like the obvious choice. As for the matter of other members, that was a
little trickier:
“Our first choice was always Mick,” reveals Conor. “No-one else we knew even
cared about guitars, let alone owned one for themselves!”
And thus two became three, and Michael McElhinney joined the group. But still
two positions needed to be filled – including the dreaded role of
After several conversations about drumming yielded little to no results, it was
decided to forego the old skinbasher and concentrate on the guitars.
“We decided that the best option would just be to improve the three guitars, and
to find others later.”
So once a week, the three met up, and banged out a few chords to generically
popular hits. But still the songs were sans vocals, and noticeably so. One name
was on everyone’s minds for the role of singer, but no-one ever mentioned it out
loud – until now!
The Fives – “To Infinity and Back” (with Chris Mullan)

Chapter the Second – “The Core”

“Kieran, you HAVE to be our singer!”

It was the 50th time that day that the 3 guys had tried this tactic. Kieran
McKillop could have been the only singer in the world for all it mattered – he
was the only hope of Rock Stardom for the blossoming band.
“No-one sang in those days – NO-ONE! It was just too damn uncool to sing,”
remembers Mick, the de-facto singer of the Band at the time. “However
McKillop – Boy, could he sing! And the sex appeal could only mean big things for
the band.”
After many arguments, McKillop was coaxed along to a practise session – “just
to try it out”. The guitarists dutifully started banging out “Brown Eyed Girl”
and McKillop began to sing.
“In that instant, the face of Rock History was changed…for the better,” tells
Matt. “He didn’t just sing, man, he SANG! Sure, he didn’t know the words…or
the tune…or what a guitar was…but still, he was singing!”
And the best was still to come.

Chapter the Third – “The Setlist Begins to Grow”

“Looking back now, I don’t think I’d ever even heard Mark Robinson playing
the drums. But if anyone asked, Hell Yeah he was our drummer!”
With McKillop at the helm, the band was beginning to take shape. But the songs
still lacked a beat, and this was becoming increasingly problematic:
“Soooo…..American Idiot without drums? Yeah.”
This problem seemed solved in early March, when Mark Robinson revealed he
could be the drummer. However, several practises later, and with no follow-up to
this statement, some band members were beginning to doubt. And things
wouldn’t get any easier when Matt dropped this bombshell:
“Guys, I’ve got us our First Gig!”

Chapter the Fourth – “Backyard Bash”

“We had, I think, 6 songs,” recalls Mick. “A good start, but not exactly gig
The practises began in earnest, and nerves began to grow as the fateful day –
June 15th ’06 – approached. Salvation appeared to some extent in the form of
unlikely smash hit “Summer of ‘69”, but this couldn’t carry a gig, and the band
was only too aware.
“Sure we had a few good songs, but are you sayin’ we weren’t scared?” asks
frontman Kieran.
The day arrived, and a few surprises were in store for the band. Instead of the
open air gig they had envisioned, they would be performing in a large marquee.
“This…ROCKED! It totally gave the impression of playin’ a sold out
stadium!! know…kinda…if you think about it…”
The last minute practise did nothing to calm the fear of the heroic young Rock
Gods, and it was with a sense of dread that they watched the tent gradually fill
full of rock –hungry young girls.
“These girls were all between the ages of 11 and 15, so you KNOW they weren’t
The Fives – “To Infinity and Back” (with Chris Mullan)

going to take any shit in the rock department. This gig had to deliver, and we all
knew it.”
15 minutes before the show, the BFBAFOS hit on what he thought was the best
idea of all time:
“We should enter the stage one at a time! …with NICKNAMES!”
Thus it was that the 4 young Rockers earned the now historic alter egos:
With special guest PADDY BUCKETMAN!
After the squeals of applause had died down, the band roared into their first
“I knew from the start something was wrong,” reveals The Body. “It was way too
high. I glanced at Mick, and my fear was realized as I noticed that, although I
and The Beast were playin’ ‘D’ , he had started on ‘E’! A few hurried nudges and
head signals later, all was well.”
Despite the inauspicious start, something special happened that night. There was
a fire in the air, and the band was making the most of it. The crowd was going
wild. Several girls fainted during “A Little Respect.” “Summer of ‘69” delivered
everything the band had hoped and more.
Summer Of ’69 Drunken Lullabies
Golden Touch Ever Fallen in Love
A Little Respect Brown Eyed Girl

Chapter the Fifth – “The Cooldown”

The gig was a resounding success. The young men’s heads were full of ideas of
Rock Stardom. But their bodies were exhausted, and they entered a cooldown
period. They took care of smaller things, like exams and schoolwork.
“Don’t think for one second we weren’t still Rockin’ man! We just needed a
break after all the intense practisin’ and giggin’ of the past few months.”
This didn’t last long however. Not long after their groundbreaking debut gig, a
date was set for a second – August 17th ’06, to celebrate the birthday of Guitarist
“I’ll not lie to ya man, I didn’t know if we could do it. We didn’t want to become
typecast, and we had like what, 7 songs? But hell, if Rock calls, we’re answerin’
that phone baby!”

Chapter the Sixth – “Four Become Five – The Band takes a turn for
the Sexy!”

The months between the 2 gigs was a time of huge change for the Band. It was
time they took their Rock Status more seriously. The first step down this road is
the most important in the life of any young band – picking the Band Name.
“Haha! The name…Are you sayin’ it didn’t just become Infinity out of the blue
one day?” asks frontman McKillop.
The Fives – “To Infinity and Back” (with Chris Mullan)

Guitarist Mick has the answer to this:

“I had been making a CD of totally rad Rock Music, when I caught sight of the
word Infinity on the disk. One Gig Video and a Website later, the rest of the band
found out.”
“Sure Infinity was good, but it wasn’t us,” adds Matt. “It didn’t have the pizzazz
that we needed.”
The name would have to wait, however. Bigger things were in store for the band
that July.
“Funny story actually. We stumbled across him completely by accident. We were
on a holiday, enjoying our totally awesome Rockhood, when Deccy, McKillop’s
cousin, arrived to join the party. The topic of the Band inevitably entered the
conversation, and someone casually mentioned that we needed a drummer. Well
the rest is history.”
Deccy’s drumming career wasn’t always as glamorous as it is today however.
Joining this headstrong young band wasn’t just as easy as declaring an
“everlasting addiction to Rock,” although this he did, over and over. First he had
to prove he had the skillz to give the thrillz.
“The initiation was as simple as it was deviously brilliant. We couldn’t just let
any old riffraff into The Band. We needed only the best. So we devised a cunning
plan wherein we could learn the true extent of Deccy’s talents. Did he have the
natural rhythm necessary to roll with the RockGods? We got our guitars, and
seated him at a table. If he could keep time by knocking out a beat using only his
hands and the table, he’d be in. But if he dropped below 150bpm, his HEART
WOULD EXPLODE!! No, not really. Needless to say, he passed. With flying
Finally the band was an entire unit. There was nowhere to go now but up for the
cocky young group. And just in time, as a second drumless gig would have been
pushing it a bit…

Chapter the Seventh – “Backyard Bash II”

Now practises were beginning to really resemble a real band, and this was getting
the guys pumped with a capital P!
“Man, I thought we were good. But Drums! Suddenly we started sounding like a
real band, and songs started sounding like real songs. Hot…Damn!”
With just weeks, days, to prepare for the second gig, Deccy purchased a drum
set, and The Band got down to some hardcore practise. Their sloppy setlist
became a polished piece of art. New songs entered the set, and old friends were
left behind. This Gig had a big act to follow, and The Band was determined to
live up to it.
“Damn Right!”
Soon enough, the day arrived. It wasn’t the best weather for an open air gig –
“level 5 Hellstorm” wouldn’t be an understatement. There was tremendous fear
that the gig wouldn’t go ahead.
“Man, everyone was phonin’ everyone, and all the news was the same. Too Wet
for Rock was the news on every grapevine.”
Not so for Infinity! Or so they were still calling themselves, in lieu of a better
“Hell, a few planks of wood and a tarp, we’ve got ourselves an indoor show
The Fives – “To Infinity and Back” (with Chris Mullan)

This plan was quickly put into action, and soon enough a cover had been erected,
and the show was to go ahead as planned!
Only, not really. 2 hours after the scheduled start of the gig, the band was still
unready. Technical issues had delayed the start of the show. Tempers were
getting frayed. The band had to start soon, or this was going to be a huge failure.
Thankfully, half an hour later, everything was sorted, and the Band kicked off
the Rock Extravaganza.
“It…was…Rocksome! As in, an awesome display of Rock! The crowd was goin’
crazy, and we were electric. The songs went without a hitch, and the crowd even
wanted an encore. I’ve got two words and a letter for you, my friends – Rock ‘N’
Summer of ’69 Brown Eyed Girl
Drunken Lullabies Days Go By
Pieces Golden Touch
Teenage Kicks x 2! A Little Respect
Ever Fallen in Love I’ll Be – original

Chapter the Eighth – “Cooldown Pt II”

Following the success of Backyard Bash II, The Band entered a second, longer
cooldown. Practises ceased. Other topics of conversation were found besides
Rock. Band members embraced other hobbies.
“The second gig really took it out of us. We’d practised so hard, that the thought
of playin’ again so soon just didn’t seem right. So we let it go for a while, and got
some other stuff out of our systems.”
Some feared for the future of the band at this juncture. So long passed without a
whisper of rock, or roll, that some began to fear that the spark had been
extinguished too soon, and that Infinity had burned out.


Whispers began to circulate in late September. Whispers of a Third Gig. A

Return to Rock Stardom for the dormant Rockers. Most dismissed it as mere
fable, a rumour that was spread to create hype. Others held strong to their
beliefs, and knew that Infinity would one day resurface. That day was sooner
than anyone imagined.

Chapter the Ninth – “Disaster”

For some, 3 is a lucky number. This wasn’t the case for Infinity, as the third gig
was to be a huge let down for the band. More on that later, as a new face enters
the story here.
“Man, I was PSYCHED to go see an Infinity Gig,” enthuses No1 fan Chris
Mullan, Guitarist of legendary Queen tribute band Jukebox Annie. “I mean, I’d
read all the reviews, and I’d heard all the talk, but I really wanted to see this
rock phenomenon up close.”
He wasn’t the only one. Literally tens of people were going to be at the third
show, situated in a large barn at the house of Frontman McKillop.
“Are you saying it wasn’t my barn?”
The Fives – “To Infinity and Back” (with Chris Mullan)

Once the date had been set – Halloween ’06 – the practises resumed. The
practises of yesteryear were nothing compared to these knuckledowns. These
were hardcore sessions of preparation for the biggest show of the young band’s
career. After the success of the first two gigs, the band was confident it could
transcend these peaks and deliver the greatest show of Rock in history.
The crowd gathered. The lights were dimmed. The Band took to the stage. The
show roared into life. As expected, the crowd was lapping up everything the band
threw at them, and the group was plowing through their popular numbers like a
well-oiled machine. However, something soon went wrong. History doesn’t
record the problem, but the set broke up.
“I thought we were done,” reveals the Body. “I mean, we’d left the stage.
Apparently we’d left a song out. But who cares about one grain of sand when its
lyin’ on the beach of Rock, right? So I thought we’d leave it there.”
A bad taste was left in the mouth of the crowd. They had come to see the greatest
band in the world, not some guys who don’t know their setlist. The entire future
of the band was in jeopardy. Thankfully the band eventually returned and belted
out a few more songs, sating the crowd’s thirst for rock. But the Band was far
from happy.
“As far as our three gigs went, that was the 4th best we’d done. ….”
“I dunno, I thought it was smashin’” adds Chris. “What I saw was a band with a
long career ahead of them, tearin’ shit up and not playin’ by any of society’s
rules. RnR!”
Summer of ’69 Golden Touch
Drunken Lullabies Days Go By
Pieces Burn Baby Burn
Another Girl, Another Planet Ever Fallen in Love
A Little Respect I’ll Be – original
Teenage Kicks Brown Eyed Girl

Chapter the Tenth – “The Setlist Gets Hammered”

Thankfully, the Band learned a lot from the problems of Gig III. The first change
came in the form of a radical shake-up of the setlist. Three gigs into their career,
the band realised they were playing too similar a list at each show, so some of the
oldest songs were mercilessly cut. Thus the band bid farewell to “Teenage
Kicks”, “Drunken Lullabies”, “Ever Fallen in Love”, “Another Girl Another
Planet”, “Burn Baby Burn”, “Days Go By” and original piece “I’ll Be”.
“Sure this left us with hardly any songs. But it was for the best, and we still had
all our best left. Plus we had just brainstormed a whole heap of new, better, songs
to replace the old ones.”
But then the infamous cooldown effect kicked in. The Band had a serious
problem with gigs, and had anticipated this period. Thus the rock for the third
time faded to an all time low, and the Band took care of other things.
In early January 2007 however, the biggest news of the band’s career was enough
to revive their Rock Spirit.
“The Christmas Concert is back!”
The Fives – “To Infinity and Back” (with Chris Mullan)

Chapter the Eleventh – “Are You Sayin’ It Shouldn’t be the K Factor?”

“Ok, so it wasn’t actually Christmas,” explains Chris. “But ever since the first
GT Christmas concert, we’d been campaigning for a return. So that’s what we
called it, right up to March.”
This then was the moment the young band had been travelling towards since
December 2005. The chance to play in front of the entire school, at a concert on
April 4th. Once again, the fevered practises began, this time with efficiency that
hadn’t been seen before.
“This time we were going to be playing an audience of 600 chavs. We were used
to a small audience of friends and family, but this time we would actually have to
play well. Scary thought.”
As more news of this “concert” came to light, the band got colder and colder feet.
“This was so different from what we were used to that we were terrified of doing
it. There was plenty of talk of forgetting it, but in the end the Spirit of Rock kept
our morale alive.”
One of the earliest choices that had to be made was a Band name, which had
been put off since the previous summer. Infinity still wasn’t a popular choice,
and a new one was needed before the show. After hours of brainstorming, a
magical thing happened. History doesn’t record which member made the
suggestion, but nevertheless it was made:
“How about…The Fives? *Choir of Angels is heard*
This name seemed perfect for the young band, and so it stuck.
“I…LOVE the name The Fives!” adds Chris. “It is the PERFECT name for that
group of Rock Supremos!”
It wasn’t all good from there on in however. Several Band line-ups caught
everyone by surprise. Not least Deccy’s decision to drum for another band, as
well as The Fives.
“I was asked by The Garden Gnomes before I knew the Fives were playing!” he
insists. “Besides what’s so bad? I was only trying to increase my talents!”
Some of the band line-ups were surprising. But none as much as Niall Kelly,
King of the Chavs, deciding to be Frontman for “the Bean Brothers”.
“This was actually good,” reveals Mick, “As it let us concentrate more on the
Rock, confident that the majority of the Chav backlash would be on him.”
Chris would also be performing, which actually posed quite a problem for him,
as there was very little in the form of band places going around. He eventually
ended up with a guest spot in “Delargy’s Darlings, famous for their performance
at Christmas Concert I. However, he also snared a place in the ensemble
category with a band called Jukebox Annie. Sadly, their history cannot be
recounted here; theirs is a story for another book.
There was never any doubt about which song The Fives would be performing at
the show – ‘Summer of ‘69’ has served the band faithfully since the beginning.
All in all, the show was guaranteed a good turnout, with lots of Rocksome
competition for the Fives. Practise day arrived, and the Fives learned that the
rehearsal involved playing for the 1st year pupils. This would be a great
opportunity to get rid of nerves.
“It went good, but not great. Words couldn’t describe how scary it was standing
on the stage behind the curtains for the first time. But the song went well, and at
the end McKillop even did a powerslide right across the stage. Awesome!”
The Fives – “To Infinity and Back” (with Chris Mullan)

And thus the day of newly christened “T Factor” dawned, and the band arrived
at their venue. The appointed waiting room was the “Senior Recreational Area”,
and all the acts were herded here in preparation for the show. The show flew,
and soon it was the Fives’ turn to Rock. They took to the stage, and started up
that famous D chord. Their nervousness turned to awesomeness as the crowd
started to cheer and applaud. McKillop initiated the most impressive “Mass
Clap” since the One-Handed Leper clapping festival of 1846. They started to
move and perform on the stage like they had been doing it their whole lives (or at
least since the 80’s) The song ended to a huge burst of cheers and underwear
throwing, and suddenly McKillop powerslided his say across the stage AGAIN!
“Are you sayin’ the whole front row didn’t faint?”
Maybe they did, Kieran. Maybe they did.

Chapter the Twelfth – “The Results”

The Fives exited the stage with a feeling of euphoria unmatched by anything else
in their year long career. As they were the first act, nothing remained but to
watch the remaining bands battle it out to match their performance. Delargy’s
Darlings wowed the crowds, with the most awesome bassline in the history of
Rock being universally applauded. Their performance caused great fear in the
Fives, who felt their Rock Stardom to be seriously threatened. The Bean
Brothers gave a solid performance, and catered excellently to the chav audience.
The Garden Gnomes, as homecoming heroes were guaranteed a great reception,
however the song was tainted by technical errors in the microphone department.
Soon all the bands had performed, and it time to hear the results. All bands were
ushered backstage to anxiously await the decision. All the lesser categories were
called first, with a serious amount of wins coming from Fives members.
“You know it, girls!”
At last, the result of the BotB was announced with first place going to…The
“Hot…Damn! Our streak of wins continued at a perfect 100%! One for One
After this performance and the amount of victories, including the humbling of
the mighty Delargy’s Darlings and Garden Gnomes; was there anything The
Fives couldn’t do?


Best Junior whatever – who cares?

Best Senior Ensemble – Deccy, McKillop, Nigel – “The Kieran McKillop band”(!)
with “Whistle for the Choir” – The Fratellis.

Best Original Song - Chris, Mick, Nigel and Malzigay – “Jukebox Annie” with “Bail
Me Out”

Battle of the Bands – The Babyface Bass Ace from Outer Space, The Body, The
Razor, The Guns and The Axeman – “The Fives” with “Summer of ’69 – Bryan
The Fives – “To Infinity and Back” (with Chris Mullan)


Ensemble – Nigel, Deccy, McKillop – “The Kieran McKillop Band” – “Whistle for
the Choir” – “The Fratellis”
Phil, Blaney – No Name – “How To Save A Life” – The Fray
Jacob, Michael English – No Name – “Ring of Fire” – “Johnny Cash”
Bunch of Girls – “School of Pop” – Their own song
The McKenna Bros – Fiddly Stuff

Original Song – Mick, Chris, Malzigay, Nigel – “Jukebox Annie”- “Bail Me Out”
Mick – “Mick” – “Amazing”

Battle of the Bands – Fizzle, Fivebretz, D#, Mick with a cross through the M,
Beastly Magee – “The Fives” – “Summer of ’69” – “Bryan
FIVES ENCORE – “Golden Touch” – “Razorlight”
“A Little Respect” – “Wheatus”
“Days Go By” – “Keith Urban” AND
“Summer of ‘69” again! - “Bryan Adams”
Chris, Phil, Malzigay, Michael English – “Delargy’s Darlings”
“Chasing Cars” – “Snow Patrol”
Nigel Kelly, White, John, Hugh, Kinney, Mullan’s cousin – “The
Bean Brothers” – “Chelsea Dagger” – “The Fratellis”
Dan, Judas (lol OJ!), Blaney - No Name – “The Groove” –
Nigel, Chris Walsh, Rory, Nigel Kellbert, McCann –
“The AfterDans” – “500 Miles” – “The Proclaimers”

Entertainment – Blaney – “Drops Of Jupiter” – “Train” AND

“Superman” – “Five For Fighting”
The Ceili Band – Loads of Irish Stuff

Chapter the Thirteenth – “The Long Slow Year”

After the monumental success of the inaugural T Factor, The Fives enjoyed a
short period of acknowledgement.
“Everywhere we went, little girls were playing Summer of ’69 on their phones,
and wearing shirts with Fizzler’s face on the front,” reveals Bretz.
“Are you sayin’ you’re not jealous”
Any girl from first to third year was guaranteed to be a certified member of the
“Kieran McKillop fan club”. Cries of “Oh my God, he said HELLO to me!” as
the band walked past were not uncommon.
But despite this new found sortaFame, the dreaded Cooldown effect once more
took effect, for a FOURTH time. For six months, the band laid down their
instruments, and the band went on hiatus. In spite of the massive public demand
for another gig, the band remained showless.
The Fives – “To Infinity and Back” (with Chris Mullan)

“We knew we’d have T Factor II. So this time we were happy to postpone the
return to Rock for a little longer”
The Fives were convinced to partake in a small charity gig to celebrate
Halloween ’07. They were to play a small gig in the garage of Magill Mansion,
site of their very first gig.
“I guess the nostalgia did it for me. And y’know, we hadn’t played a gig in six
months, so it would serve to keep us on our toes.”
So The Fives belted out “Summer of 69,” “A Little Respect”, “Golden Touch”
and “Brown Eyed Girl”, perennial favourites of the fans, and everyone went
home satisfied. But as Christmas rolled around, and still no talk of T Factor II,
the band began to worry that it wasn’t going to happen.
“Are you sayin’ we weren’t worried it wasn’t gonna happen?”
So practises once again started up. And this time the band was equipped with a
wealth of new songs to add some spice to their set. Itching for a fresh gig, the
band held their breath for 3 months until late February ’08, when T Factor II
was FINALLY announced, for March 14th.

Chapter the Fourteenth – “T(hompson’s Cousin) Factor II”

By the time T Factor II rolled around, the Fives were ready for their return to
“We had all these new songs, and we couldn’t wait to get them on stage.”
It was clear from an early point, however, that there would be several key
differences in the two factors. For a start, after the departure of several older
members of the school, the Battle of the Bands would be down to one or two
“Sure, we were glad to see the back of some of the competition. But we also liked
the challenge, and we didn’t want to be one of two bands, or whatever.”
But the band had bigger problems. There was a new, hip, young band on the
block. Their frontman was like nothing the band had ever seen before – 7 foot
tall, positively rippling with muscle, and with girls hanging off of his every word.
His band members followed him like the God of Rock he surely was, and his
charisma was worrying to the confidence lacking Fives.
“We were the reigning champs, so y’know, we weren’t REALLY expecting to win
again. But we wanted to, don’t forget that! And if we lost to anyone, we couldn’t
let it be Thompson’s Cousin!”
“At first, we didn’t take TC too seriously. Sure he had a rep, a big one. But we
were the Rock Emperors, the Big Dogs – We were the Fives, baby! But one day,
at music practise, we heard it……..The ThompsTone.”
“Ahhhhh, the fabled ThompsTone. It has since faded into Music Legend, but in
its day – it was bigger than crack. It was rumoured that his sound was actually
the second coming of Jesus, seeking to enter the world through the
This band clearly was a source of great worry for the Fives. They could only
knuckle down at practise and concentrate on putting on the best damn show they
could. But just when they thought things couldn’t get any worse, a new face
emerged on the music scene.
“GLASSESFACE! Man, there are very few things in this world that I would not
suck out of her feet!...” Chris exclaims, with a faraway look in his eye…
The Fives – “To Infinity and Back” (with Chris Mullan)

The Fives (with Chris Mullan ) couldn’t believe it. THEY were the Music
Nerds at this school! They couldn’t let young, sexy upstarts like TC and
Glassesface steal their thunder!
And thus when the day of T Factor II rolled around, the Fives were aching to
perform. They didn’t just have their usual zest for entertaining a crowd; they
had a burning desire to reassert their Rock Superiority over the school, and
remind everyone who exactly the Music Boss around the place was.
But then something happened that could only have been made up…only it
“Kieran McKillop…our SINGER…got a THROAT INFECTION! OUT…OF…
BOUNDS! That’s right, the singer had a throat infection on the day of the gig! If
that isn’t a sitcom plotline somewhere, it should be!”
The band faced a terrible catch 22 situation. They couldn’t play the show with
the singer’s voice failing. But that would mean handing over control of the show
to TC and the gang.
“We had to think quickly. We sent Fizmaster to the matron, for a lay down and
some Strepsils, to see if he could get well enough to sing.”
In the meantime, all the band could do was pack up the equipment, and wait.
“But then, I saw a sight I’ll never forget, not till my dying day. While we were
waiting for McFizzman to recover, I caught sight of TC and his band carting the
drum kit to the gym. Carting…the…drums…to…the GYM. That’s our job!!! I
couldn’t BELIEVE it!”
“As soon as we told McKillop, he leapt out of bed.”
“Are you sayin’ I was goin’ to sit idly by while those sexy sons of bitches took
over every inch of our music control over that school? ‘Cos I wasn’t!”
And so the band entered that nervous stage of preshow worry once again. For
the second time they were herded into the “Senior Recreational Area” to await
the Call of Rock.
“Every five minutes or so, there arose a huge female yell. We’d look over and see
TC flexing his biceps, or launchin’ into some CRAZY riff. A few times he even
used his ridiculous similarity to Chris to come over and whisper negative things
in our ears. But we couldn’t let him get inside our heads. The only winner here
would be Rock!”
Finally the Fives were needed on stage. Thanks to the BFBAFOS’s newfound
tuning fetish, they had spent the last 2 hours tuning the strings of the guitars to
what can only have been NASA specifications. They once again soaked in the
familiar adrenaline rush that can only be felt by standing behind a closed curtain
in front of an audience. The curtains opened…
“duhduhduhduhduhduhduhduhduhduhduhduhduhduhduh DOW! DOW DOW
The band ripped into their song, Survivor’s “Eye of the Tiger”. As expected, the
crowd went wild for it. The band had been banking on the song’s chav appeal to
gain them a more widespread support, and it couldn’t have worked any better.
As the squeals died down, the band exited the stage, feeling only an
overwhelming sense of accomplishment. They might not have taken out TC and
Glassesface, and if they hadn’t, they did their damndest in the attempt!
The Fives – “To Infinity and Back” (with Chris Mullan)

Chapter the Fifteenth – “The Results II”

Once again, all the acts waited backstage with baited breath to hear the results.
As the BotB had seen a dramatic shortage of entrants, the Fives had a One in
Three chance of winning. Eventually, the judges gathered on the stage and the
results were read out.
“And the prize for Battle of the Bands goes to the band that played…Eye of the
The crowd went wild! The Fabulous Five went out to have the obligatory
winners photograph.
“Hot…Damn! Our streak of wins continued at a perfect 100%! Two for Two
baby! See you at T Factor III!”
So the collected talents of TC and the Gang and Glassesface were not enough to
take down the mighty Fives. Surely no-one could?


Best Junior Whatever – Who cares?

Best Ensemble – Piano Queen and Singing Girl – “1000 Miles” – “Vanessa

Best Original Song – Mick – “Amen” – Mick

Battle of the Bands “Are you sayin’ I’m not” McKillop, Fivesharks, Mickerman, The
RazorTrain and “That’s not G, It’s G#!”Magill – “The Fives” –
“Eye of the Tiger” – “Survivor”


Ensemble – The Piano Queens – No Name – “1000 Miles” – “Vanessa Carlton”

Fivebretz and Fizzle – No Name – “Walking In Memphis” – “Marc
Chris “Mrs Killough Smells Like Greasy Curry” Mullan, Figel, Mick,
– “Iris” – “The Goo Goo Dolls”
Nigel, Deccy O’Brian, Rory Millar, Barry the Chav, - “The AfterDans” -
“Afternoon Delight” – “Anchorman the Film”
White, John, Hugh, Mullan’s Cousin – “The Bean Brothers” – “Dani
California” – “The Red Hot Chilli Peppers”
TC and the Gang – No Name – “Summer of ‘69” – “Bryan Adams”
AND “Time Of Your Life” – “Green Day”

Original Song – Mick – “Amen” – “Mick”

Mulbret and Nigel – “Getting’ Better” – “Mulbret”
Mulberine, Mick, Nigel, Robbotron 5000 – “Jukebox Annie” -
“Jukebox Annie”
Catherine Hamilton and Anna Callan – “Goth Song” – “CH and
The Fives – “To Infinity and Back” (with Chris Mullan)

Battle of the Bands – McFizzlebert, Fivebears, Beasthead Magill, Mickersnaps, and

Decsharpes – “The Fives” – “Eye of the Tiger” – “Survivor”
White, Kinney, John, Hugh, Mullan’s Cousin – “The Bean
Brothers” – “Under the Bridge” – “Red Hot Chilli Peppers”
Nigel, Chris Walsh, Drum asshole chav man, Rory – “Wherever
You Will Go” – “The Calling”

Soloist – Fiddle man – No Name – Fiddly shit

Chris Walsh – No Name – “Other Side of the World” – “KT Tunstall”

Entertainment – Flippin’ Ceili Bollox again

Chapter the Sixteenth – “Glenarmageddon” (aka “Does that truck say


“Imagine (if you can), a bigger threat to The Fives than the combined forces of
TC and Glassesface. Yes, I know it’s hard, but do it. You may just have come up
with – “A gig where not every attendee was a personal friend of the band.”
That’s just what happened. The Date – 20th June 2008. The Location – Glenarm
Seafront. Predicted outcome? – 30 “Rock” or “Roll” related casualties.
“The Glenarm gig was a wild card. We were at our Rock Pinnacle, we were the
undisputed KINGS…but we’d never played an anonymous audience.”
This required something that the band had never delivered before. A multitude
of fresh, new tracks. Over the 2 year lifetime of the band at this point, they had
13 songs in the repertoire, and had done 28 live song performances. You do the
maths. Clearly what the set needed was another dose of a shake up. New songs
were added thick and fast, aiming to appeal to every possible combination of
audience – Chav, golden oldie, young punk? They tried to include something for
Several practises in, it transpired that a helping hand was looking for the band,
and was able to procure many pieces of very high spec equipment to help the
band prepare, much to their delight.
“Are you sayin’ there wasn’t like….FIVE HUNDRED POUNDS wortha stuff
Indeed, there was several five hundred pounds worth of “stuff”. With the new kit
in place, several subtle changes could be noticed:
When young Captain Sharpe hit the kick drum, lightning would split the skies,
and thunder would boom long and loud.
Much to the surprise of the band, it turned out that a bass wasn’t actually
supposed to sound like it was screaming for its life, and actually goes more along
the lines of “dumdumdum”. Who woulda thought it?
Singer/Dancer/Professional Beatboxer McKillop discovered the perfect machine
to suit his needs - it enabled him to harmonise with HIMSELF! Finally he could
drop the other four deadweights and start the solo tour he’d always dreamed of!
But after the 20th June…
Most of the new songs went off without a hitch, but others caused trouble, and
the band was practising new material right up to the eve of the gig. Almost all of
the “classic” Fives tracks were revived, to fill up space on the set. This, of course,
The Fives – “To Infinity and Back” (with Chris Mullan)

required a number of different tunings throughout that show. Not that much of a
problem, unless, of course…
“Ok, I have a fetish for tuning guitars.”
30 years on, the Outer Space Bass Ace with the Face of an Infant can admit to his
terrible affliction. Back in the day however, he was painfully oblivious, and the
band would watch on in despair as he endlessly turned the tuning knobs,
whispering into the pickups that “everything would be alright”, perfectly on key
with the tuning.
“Look…sometimes a man just wants his E’s to be E’s, and his D’s to be D’s –
know what I’m sayin’?”
No Matt, nobody knows what you’re saying. But now isn’t the time for this talk –
The Fives had a big show on their plate!
The 20th of June rolled around. Nerves were at an all time high for the young,
sexy group. The need to impress was all consuming, and the audience potential
was a matter of heated debate between the boys.
“I thought something like, one million people was going to be there,” explains
Portuguese international Deco. “Others disagreed.”
Faced with this uncertainty, the band turned up at Glenarm Seafront to be
greeted with the most glorious sight they had ever seen – The Rain King’s
of the band, every fan who turned up, the pope, the pope’s friends, you get the
picture. They raced towards the grassy area upon which the crowd would stand,
rounded the truck and saw…
A small marquee, smaller than their first ever gig two years previously. They all
stopped dead. Matt fainted. Filled with doubt and fear, they approached the
small group of professional looking people huddled around it. Turns out yep, that
was their stage.
“Ok, so it wasn’t…Wembley. But at least it…y’know…you could…yeah, it was
But yet did not The Gods of Rock decree, in the Rock Bible, that “Verily thy
shalt rock, even if thou hast but a tent for a stage, as long as thou hast rock in thy
Eventually a crowd gathered, mostly formed from hangers on from the earlier
gay rights parade. The band took to the stage under the new, and temporary,
name of Sidetrack. What happened next was a turning point in Rock History.
“2 years of Charisma lessons – they can do wonders for a band!”
The band performed its first group dance! Sure it was only for 10 seconds, and
the only instance of movement in the whole set…But it was a golden picture of a
brighter rock filled future!
The Fives – “To Infinity and Back” (with Chris Mullan)

Eye of the Tiger Ever Fallen in Love
Golden Touch I’ll Be There For You
Brown Eyed Girl If Tomorrow Never Comes
Talk Dirty To Me Galway Girl
Parallel Worlds Teenage Kicks
Days Go By Fallen Angel
Pieces A Little Respect
Take Cover Heaven/When You Were Young
Save It For The Bedroom I’m A Believer
Love Machine Summer of 69