‘Allo ‘Allo

A Comedy by Jeremy Lloyd and David Croft Adapted by Kyle Le Grange

CHARACTERS René Edith Yvette Michelle Mimi Colonel Helga Alberto Crabtree Leclerc Gruber Schmelling Soldiers. peasants. . 2nd World War. two airmen The action of the play takes place in and around the Café René in occupied France.

as you can see. and my serving girls Mimi and Yvette who I enjoy being nice to when my wife isn’t about. The set is a composite comprising mainly the café but also the larder. open. who I have to be nice to. finds out I will be shot. A fairly normal café in wartime France you might say. Flick’s quarters. But if my wife finds out about Mimi. From behind the bar. René If the Germans should find them I will be shot. the staircase to the attic. Do not laugh. If Mimi finds out about that I am having an affair with Yvette. René Those of you who have been paying attention will know that this is my café. René’s and Edith’s bedroom. Her hair is wrapped round small bridge rolls. How peaceful it all looks. a side room. I will be shot. Why are you wearing on your hair rolls? Edith Because they were hot out of the oven and it seemed a shame to waste them. I am hiding it for the Germans. Do not be deceived. If the Resistance. These sets can be minimally dressed jus to show the location. René comes down the stairs. There are tables and chairs. Airmen Hallo. Near the piano hang René’s hat and coat. Edith enters coming down the stairs. for whom I am hiding the British Airmen. He comes Direct Centre. Edith (off) René. He is in his apron and working clothes. René Are you going to put them on the table? . The bar is direct Left. Upstage from Left to Right are the door to the kitchen. the two Airmen (as British as can be) pop up. But shortly it will be full of Germans who I have to be nice to and my wife. They pop back down again and exit backstage. It is. In my cellar I am hiding two British airmen. The paly opens in the café. as will Yvette if she finds out about Mimi. she will shoot me. about the same as an over-rip Camembert.ACT 1 SCENE 1 René’s café in France during the German Occupation of the Second World War. the recess and rostrum on which is the piano. My life expectancy is. He crosses and changes the sign form “Shut” to “Open”. The entrance to the café is Front Left. René! René Here comes the wife. as you see now. and a small cinema. Upstairs is my wife’s mother who nobody enjoys being nice to. the Colonel’s room. In my kitchen is hanging a decaying knockwurst sausage which contains the priceless portrait of the Fallen Madonna with the big you-know-what’s by master painter Van Klomp.

you and I will be up in the bedroom banging. can get rid of his worries. Michelle Listen very carefully. There is a loud banging noise from upstairs. It is time for her supper. Edith That is my mother. my love. (calling) Yvette. They all come together. Michelle Psst. and I realize that I am not half the man that you are. Michelle crosses to the bar to search. René (to the audience) As you see. it preys on my mind. come attend to these tables! There is more banging noises from upstairs. why do you have all these headaches? René It is worry. you are Knight hawk. We are open. Mama. After all. One day. I shall say this only once. The Germans have been intercepting . Coming. Then Michelle enters through the front door. Yvette René. you Edith. I look at you. Yvette must come prepare the tables. René Not if you are wearing those curlers. René Your mother–she eats more than the chickens. René searches under a table and behind the curtains etc.Edith For the Germans–yes. René Michelle. I am a coward. Hiding the airmen for the Resistance and the paintings for the Germans. I crack. Edith René. there is only one way that a Frenchman. just an everyday story of war-torn France. Michelle Are we alone? René If we are not we have just wasted thirty seconds. weak. Edith I know this. They all search the room. Well. I am not like. (he goes to the kitchen door and raps on it) The coast is clear. (he calls up the stairs) Shut up. hero of the French Resistance. René I hope you will soon be set. feeble husband. Yvette enters. René Yvette. my poor. Edith Do not talk about my mother like that. such as myself. But you must try not worry. They embrace. your firm face framed with bridge rolls. Centre Stage. If I am tortured. Edith goes up the stairs to her mother. you old bat.

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