Lessons on Love

A four-part discussion/study series

Rev. Graeme Gardiner

August, 2002

Introduction:
I have a strong conviction that there is widespread agreement amongst people of all kinds – both people
of various faiths and people of no particular faith – that these paraphrased words of St. Paul’s from 1
Corinthians 13 are true: “Without love we are nothing.” This can be understood as an affirmation of the
importance of relationships to us, as an affirmation of our need to be loved or as an affirmation of our
need to love others.

But if love is as important as we say it is, why do we in our culture give so little attention to
understanding it and so little attention to growing in our capacity for love? We devote immense
resources and time to developing skills for use in the workplace, on the sporting field or in the arts, but
neglect to our detriment sharpening our skills in the art of love. This, therefore, is the goal of this
discussion/study series – to grow in our capacity to live in love.

(Note: While there are four studies in this series intended to parallel the worship services of the four
Sundays of August, the material is also designed to be used by those groups that only meet fortnightly
and thus will only meet twice during this series. Groups that meet weekly may choose to use one study
for each of their weekly meetings and to use all the material provided – including the sections headed:
For those with more time. Groups that meet fortnightly may choose to do studies 1 & 2 together and
then studies 3 & 4 together, leaving out the sections headed: For those with more time.)

Study 1: All you need is love

- coming to terms with being ‘loved to death’

This picture is of a giant bronze sculpture

by Guy Boyd which hangs beneath the
cross in St. Andrew’s Anglican Church,
Brighton, Victoria.

Discuss: (after first spending silent

time contemplating the sculpture in detail)
• Which figure here seems to be
in need? Which figure is
providing the comfort?
• Discuss this quote: "The
embrace is so intense that it's
hard to know where one leaves
off and the other begins. What
one has the other has; mercy
and need are blended into one."
This sculpture is of course a representation of the embrace of father and son in the
famous parable of chapter fifteen of Luke’s gospel.

Read: Luke 15:11-32 paying particular attention to your emotional responses.

Discuss:
• Who do you feel most pity for in the story? Why?
The following questions may take a little time to personally explore, to bring remembrances to mind of
events in our lives, and to feel their emotional impact. To allow us to truly encounter the power of this
passage this discussion should not be hurried. Not everyone in the group will necessarily be able to
relate to each question.
• Placing yourself in the ‘shoes’ of the Prodigal, what experience in your life comes
closest to his? (it may have been an experience that was in no way ‘religious’ or ‘spiritual’)
How strong was your need to be loved and ‘welcomed home’? Did you ever
receive this welcoming love?
• Placing yourself in the ‘shoes’ of the father, what experience in your life comes
closest to his? How compelling was your love to draw the other ‘home’? Did they
‘return’ and did reconciliation take place?
• Placing yourself in the ‘shoes’ of the older son, what experience in your life
comes closest to his? Was there a feeling of being overlooked, or of being
unvalued, or of a lack of ‘fairness’ about the situation? In hindsight, were these
feelings reasonable? Was the situation ever resolved for you?

Read: 1 John 4:7-10,19 and Romans 5:8

In his book Shame and Grace, Lewis B. Smedes writes:
“Being accepted is the single most compelling need of our lives.”
“Grace is the beginning of our healing because it offers the one thing we need most:
to be accepted without regard to whether we are acceptable.”

Discuss:
• Do you agree that being “accepted without regard to whether we are acceptable” is
a ‘hallmark’ of the kind of love all people need? Is it what you need?
• For human life to exist, all kinds of things are ‘needed’: air, water, food, shelter…
Do you agree then with Smedes that “being accepted is the single most compelling
need of our lives”? If you could only provide one or the other (which of course is
purely hypothetical!), which would you give a needy person: the love of
acceptance, or food to meet their hunger? Is love marked by acceptance without
regard to your acceptability what you need most?
• In the light of the parable of the prodigal and the other bible texts, do you feel
loved and accepted by God without regard to your acceptability, or do you feel
such love needs to be deserved?
• Is it important, perhaps even indispensable for the wellbeing of life, to be
grounded in an awareness of being loved by God? Why?

(For those with more time….

It is one thing to be told by someone that they love us, it is another thing entirely to
feel or know that we are loved. In human relationships we look for more than mere
words – we want love to be shown. Gifts of love and loving action for our benefit are
demonstration of someone’s love for us.
Read: Ephesians 1:3-14

Discuss:
• Using Ephesians 1:3-14 as a starting point (but by no means limiting yourself to
it) seek to list down all those ‘gifts’ or ‘loving actions for our benefit’ that come to
us as a demonstration that God does indeed love us. You may wish to place them
in two categories: that which benefits us in the ‘here and now’ and impacts upon
our daily living, and that which will be ours in the fullness of the reign of
God/heavenly realm.
• Does a list such as this reassure you and help you feel loved?)

Study 2: Ego is not a dirty word

- discovering the difference between self-love & self-centredness

Read: Numbers chapter 13. While Caleb and Joshua report a land of great riches
and are confident that they can take the land, the remainder of the forward party are
much less sure. The final words of chapter 13 seem to have a large bearing on their
perception: “All the people we saw there are of great size…. We seemed like
grasshoppers in our own eyes, and we looked the same to them.”

Discuss:
• Proverbs 23:7 reads: “As a person thinks in their heart, so is that person.” Do you
support the modern preoccupation with ‘self-esteem’? Is it important how we view
ourselves? Does it have an impact upon how we live? Is this the dynamic behind
Numbers 13 and 14 and the reluctance of the Israelites to enter the Promised Land
as instructed by God? Does poor ‘self-esteem’ limit your capacity to live life to the
full and be faithful to God?
• Do you see dangers with the modern preoccupation with ‘self-esteem’? Is ‘self-
esteem’ (having a good opinion of yourself) the same as ‘self-love’ (having love
for yourself)? What do you see as the differences, if any? Which would you prefer
to have?

Read: Mark 12:28-31 and then Ephesians 5:28,29

Discuss:
• There is a fairly common ‘theology’ in the church that a self-belittling attitude is
pleasing to God, that it is part of Christian humility and necessary for the process
of sanctification (development of Christian character and ‘holiness’). How do you
respond to this common view in the light of these two texts?
• On the other hand, there is a view that a self-belittling attitude and a resultant gut-
level feeling of inferiority, inadequacy and low self-worth paradoxically leads to
self-centredness and a loss of capacity to genuinely love others. Does this ring true
from your experience, and is it supported by these bible texts?

Read: Lewis B. Smedes in his book Shame and Grace writes:

“Grace does not make me feel less; it makes me feel more worthy.”
“Grace graciously given honours our worth as it overlooks our undeserving.”
“A grace that makes us feel worse for having it is an ungracious grace and therefore
not really grace at all.”
Discuss:
• Smedes makes a careful and important distinction between being deserving and
being worthy. He argues that we are not deserving of God’s love (in that we are
rebellious sinners), but that we are worthy of love (in that God has created us in
God’s image (Genesis 1:27) and that we are God’s children (1 John 3:1,2)). Is this
a helpful distinction for you?
• Has your experience of Church and the Christian life left you feeling better or
worse about yourself? How, do you believe, God would desire for you to feel and
think about yourself?

(For those with more time….

The word ‘ego’ has to do with a ‘sense of self’. The word ‘egotism’ has developed
connotations of narcissism, arrogance and self-centredness. It would seem that in
Christian circles our greatest fear is that any talk of ‘ego’, self-esteem or self-love will
quickly have us in the realm of ‘egotism’, and therefore on the steep and slippery
slope of pride and its resultant fall.

Discuss:
• In preparing to talk with the Church in Rome about their privileged role as the
‘Body of Christ’ on earth, and the individual giftedness and contribution that each
one could make, St. Paul firstly encourages an accurate assessment of one’s self:
“think of yourself with sober judgement.” (from Romans 12:3 – you may wish to
read Romans 12:1-6a). If it is true that love must speak truthfully, can you see that
implicit in self-love is this goal of examining ourselves with ‘sober judgement’? Is
this sufficient to stop us slipping into self-centredness?
• If humility is an important Christian quality, and if humility is not the same as
having a ‘self-belittling attitude’ or a poor sense of personal worth, what is it? You
may wish to refer to some of these texts: Matthew 5:3, Mark 9:33-37, Luke 22:24-
27.)
Lessons on Love
Study 3: Love lifts us up where
we belong
- the how and why of worship

Read: Thus far in our Lessons on Love we have considered God’s love for us, and as
a consequence of the value God places on us, our need to have self-love. We now
begin to look at what further response is to be made to such love from God. We will
see that the Bible teaches that love for God is a proper and natural human response to
the divine initiative. In the final study we will see that a significant expression of our
love for God is given in our love for others and the way in which we live in God’s
world. Living compassionate and holy lives with a heart for equity and justice is a
necessary response. As 1 John 4:19-21 reads:
“We love because God first loved us. If anyone says ‘I love God,’ yet hates his
sister or brother, that person is a liar. For anyone who does not love their
brother or sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not
seen. And God has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love
their sister and brother.”
But firstly, in this study we will explore the subject of worship as a vital means of
responding to God in love.

Discuss:
• How important is worship of God (both private/individual and public/corporate) to
you? How is this degree of importance evidenced by what you do and how you do
it? If an impartial and outside observer were to make a report on the place of
worship in your life, what do you think they would conclude?
• Who do you believe worship is for? Is it for God’s benefit, or for people’s benefit?
What benefit does God receive from worship? What benefit do you receive from
worship?

Read: Here are a range of texts to consult, all affirming a call upon our lives to give
praise and worship to God: John 4:23, Hebrews 13:15, Colossians 3:16,17, Psalm 96
(there are 41 Psalms that include the instruction to “Sing unto the LORD”!)

Discuss:
• While there are many instructions to worship God, nowhere in the New
Testament is a particular form, order or style of worship prescribed. What does
this suggest to you? Can the ‘forms’, that is, the hymns or songs, the prayers, the
words, the symbols and actions we use in worship be equated with worship itself?
That is, is simply singing the hymns/songs and praying the prayers truly worship?
If not, what is it that makes our singing and praying truly worship?

Read: It is often said: “You are what you eat”. Read Philippians 4:8 in the light of
this saying. Also read Isaiah 6:1-8. 2 Corinthians 3:17,18 can be translated as:
“Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is
freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all contemplate the Lord’s glory,
 are being transformed into God’s likeness with ever increasing glory, which
comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.”

Discuss:
• From these readings do you consider it reasonable to conclude: “To worship is to
be changed”? Is it true that genuine worship/love of God “lifts us up where we
belong” and so is not only a gift to God, but a gift for us?
• How often has this been your personal experience? If worship is rarely
‘inspirational’ or ‘life-changing’ for you personally, who is responsible?

Read: In Mark 12:30 Jesus says that the most important thing we can ever do is
“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your
mind and with all your strength.” That is, love and worship of God is to be
wholehearted and should involve our whole being. Richard Foster in Celebration of
Discipline writes:
“One reason worship should be considered a Spiritual Discipline is because it
is an ordered way of acting and living that sets us before God so he can
transform us. Although we are only responding to the liberating touch of the
Holy Spirit, there are divinely appointed avenues into this realm.” (p207)
Foster in this chapter on worship speaks of the importance of preparing to worship
God through anticipation and expectation, pre-reading of Scripture, prayer, ‘practicing
the presence of God’ and focussing one’s attention fully upon listening for God in all
things.

Discuss:
• Following on from the last discussion question, how much responsibility for the
‘success’ of worship as an inspiring and transformational experience rests with
God, how much with the worship leader, and how much with the congregation
and individual?
• What might you be able to do to help the ‘worship form and ritual’ of a regular
Sunday worship service become truly worship of the living God? What
preparation could you make to worship God? What should your approach,
attitude and ‘stance’ be when part of a worship service?

(For those with more time…..

Read: Revelation 5:6-14

Discuss:
• It is often said that worship of God is the only ‘work’ or ‘vocation’ that will
continue past death and into eternity. What does this notion suggest to you about
the priority and investment that should be made in worship by both individuals
and the church as a body? (In ancient Israel an entire ‘tribe’, one twelfth of the
nation, was devoted to administering the worship and spiritual life of the nation.)

Read: Acts 16:16-34

Discuss:
• Does this story speak to you of the power of praise and worship to bring about
liberation in people’s lives? Have you had personal experiences of ‘liberation’
taking place through praise and worship?
• Does this story speak to you about the evangelistic potential of genuine praise and
worship? Have you ever witnessed someone drawn to Christian faith through
observing the genuine praise and worship of others?)
Study 4: Love makes the world go
round
- exploring what love for one another really looks like

Read: John 13:34,35. This instruction of Jesus to “love one another” is repeated by
other New Testament writers up to 10 times. In addition there are up to 50 other “…
one another” instructions in the New Testament that reflect an attitude of love, such as
“forgive one another”, “serve one another”, “bear with one another”, “have
compassion for one another”, “accept one another” and “show hospitality to one
another”.

Discuss:
• When Jesus says: “Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one
another”, what do you understand this love to look like? In what ways did Jesus
demonstrate love towards his disciples?

Read: Refer to the Parable of the Good Samaritan in Luke 10:25-37. Also refer to
the story of Jesus washing the feet of his disciples in John 13:1-17.

Discuss:
• These texts speak in familiar ways of what it means to love one another. What
meaning do they have for you?
• Consider the John 13:1-17 story in the light of the instructions in Ephesians 5:21
to “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” and in James 5:13-16 to “…
confess your sins to each other and pray for each other….”. Do these texts bring a
different light to the John 13:1-17 passage? Do they suggest that love of one
another means more than care of one another in a physical, material or ‘moral
support’ sense?

Read: M. Scott Peck in his bestseller The Road Less Travelled offers a thought-
provoking definition for love:
“The will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or
another’s spiritual growth.” (p85)
It is important to note that for Peck, the word ‘spiritual’ embraces more than religion
or doctrinal belief or religious practices. It includes the sense of ‘wholeness’ of life
and connectedness with God, self and others, as well as the well-being of all things.
He also acknowledges that love that has the purpose of nurturing spiritual growth will
involve actions that are not directly spiritual. So for instance, when speaking of self-
love (which is embraced by his definition) he says:
“In loving ourselves – that is, nurturing ourselves for the purpose of spiritual
growth – we need to provide ourselves with all kinds of things that are not
directly spiritual…. To nourish the spirit, the body must also be nourished.”
(p113)
Presumably he would also say that love of others will involve actions that are not
directly spiritual, such as feeding and sheltering the poor.

Discuss:
• What is your reaction to Peck’s definition of love? Is it consistent with God’s love
for us as expressed in Jesus Christ?
• Peck’s definition for love has a definite ‘end’ or ‘goal’ in mind – what he calls
‘spiritual growth’. Do you support his conviction that love by definition must have
a particular goal in mind? Do you agree that this goal should be ‘spiritual
growth’?

Read: Colossians 3:12-17, Hebrews 10:19-25 and Galatians 6:1-5. Lawrence J.

Crabb in his book Understanding People writes:
“People who love, I suggest, are not always those who look the most loving.
Nice people are not hard to find….. but loving people are in short supply.
Love cannot be measured by above-the-water-line activity. Compliments,
warm smiles, and affectionate pats never define love. So much of what passes
for Christian community represents the well-developed art of graciously
distancing one another for the purposes of personal comfort.” (p196f)

Discuss:
• The bible texts include familiar notions of loving one another such as compassion,
kindness and forgiveness. But they also include less palatable and more intrusive
elements such as “teach and admonish one another” (or “disciple and warn or
correct each other”) or “stir up one another to love and good works” (or “incite
one another”) or “restore those who are in sin” (or “set right those who are doing
the wrong thing”). Do you accept that these tasks are just as important to the
concept of ‘loving one another’ as activities such as mercy, compassion,
forgiveness and service?
• Do you agree with Crabb’s assessment of what is often passed off as Christian
community? Do these texts help you identify the difference between being ‘nice’
and genuine love of one another? Do you agree that the kind of love for one
another taught in the New Testament requires people taking the risk to truly draw
close to each other and both encourage each other in spiritual growth and hold
each other accountable to living a faithful life?

(For those with more time….

Discuss:
• If love is the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or
another’s spiritual growth, then is it reasonable to understand evangelism (sharing
the good news of God’s love in Jesus Christ through both word and deed) as an
essential activity of love for another? Is it loving to avoid inviting people to
consider the possibilities for ‘spiritual growth’ found in the Christian life?
• Is it likewise reasonable to see activities of social welfare and social justice as
activities of love that indirectly lead to ‘spiritual growth’ in the sense of wholeness
and wellbeing?)