The Autobiography of a Blacklisted American

Copyright 2013 Ise Batek

The Autobiography of a Blacklisted American Copyright 2013 Ise Batek During the years of the biography I was named James Batek. In 2013 I changed my name to Ise Batek. Introduction I have divided my ife to age !" into 100 segments# down to the second# using a program I wrote for the $ew ett%&ackard $&33' scientific ca cu ator. (here are three sets of these segments in the work) 1* the segments by themse ves. 2* the segments popu ated by short summaries or other distinguishing features of the fu commentaries. and 3* the segments popu ated by fu commentaries. (he short summaries are intended to enab e a +uick review of the content of the work. (hey are not repeated in the third set of segments with the fu commentaries. Instead# each commentary# which I ca items or sub%items ,though the distinction is not strict and there are very few sub%items to worry about# and in any case they can be considered p ain items without much oss of orientation*# is given a random he-adecima id which appears before both short summary and fu commentary. (he short summaries are not repeated with their fu commentaries because some of the short summaries are actua y .ust distinguishing features which may not serve to summari/e the commentary and so might tend to distract the reader from the true substance of the commentary# or e se are simp y redundant and wou d detract from the singu ar disc osure of events by the te-t. (he summaries are more the re ationship that the tit e of a work of pictoria art in the modern abstract era has to the art. (he random ids are used to create a comp ete y cross%referencab e re ationship between summaries and fu commentaries without dragging specific information around from one p ace to another whi e e-amining the interweaving of the te-t. (he scope# comp e-ity# and detai of the work is unusua and has re+uired this e-tensive machining to bring it a under contro without hampering either its f ow into manifestation or its avai abi ity to the reader who is interested enough in the facts to make brousing and tracing cross connections a desireab e feature. I use the term 0moment0 to refer to the combination of a date and time. In giving the segments as dividers I note the segment number# preceded by the opening moment# and fo owed by the c osing moment. I give moments starting from the year# a four digits# and then numbers for the month# date# am1pm# hour# minute# and second. 2m1pm is given as 011. In the hour# /ero is used instead of twe ve# throughout. (he order of these figures in each moment given is the on y guide to knowing what they represent. 'ome items themse ves have a moment or range of two moments isted if that is he pfu . (hese moments wi have a variety of comp eteness and wi simp y truncate in the ist of time units where accuracy stops. 3here a segment proves rich in content enough to warrant division into hundredths itse f# that can be done and one such instance has occurred at this writing. (he main division into 100 segments is shown in red type. 2ny further division into hundredths again# or ten thousandths# wi be shown in green type. 2 segment numbers wi be given# therefore# in units of 0000# that is# four digits. (he main divisions then wi appear ike this) 2300# 2400# 2!00. (he finer divisions wi appear ike this) !04!# !045# !046. (he opening segment is numbered 0000. 7o p ans are made at this time for divisions of a finer type than this# a though the ength of time of the who e work is such that some further divisions wou d sti

have practica meaning in terms of anecdota animate iving. 8orrespondence between specific times and rea events is the prob em here. 7o day ight savings is used throughout# as the $&33' program I wrote doesn9t accomodate it. 2 time references in the te-t wi be converted to :.'. 8entra 'tandard (ime. (hey occur rare y# which succeeds in avoiding use essness of the times used as segment dividers. (he action crosses the entire continenta :nited 'tates. 'ome bicyc e trips occurred within the span of the work# one in ;urope where the segment times wou d be way off# and the recounting of these is done by inkage to my .ourna s pub ished on the site cra/ where the e+ua time division format does not occur. 2 commentary which covers more than one segment is denoted by two asterisks in red before 0item0. (hese give their beginning and ending moments# separated by 0to0 in red# to whatever precision is possib e. (hese items wi be p aced in the segment which inc udes their first moment. (here are very few of these. (he reason these cases of over ap are so few is that the work is most y discussion of minute passages of action which do not as a conse+uence ast very ong# and for those cases of e-tended action recourse is to position them where the order of a items makes the most sense. (he first instance of a name in an item wi be in red print. Hyperte t (he work is sprink ed with hyperte-t inks wherever that seems to add va ue. 7ot every entity can be e-pected to be fami iar to the reader# so he wi have the option of seeing some re evant materia via a ink. 2 printed book cou d not do this. !n the title B ack isting is a conc usion I draw from a wide view and myriad minute detai s. It is hard to prove. $owever# itt e of what is here can be e-p ained without recourse to the idea of me being on a b ack ist of some sort. (he need to find such an e-p anation is found in the e-tremes that come to ight in a fu reading of the work. (he te-t contains passages written at a arge number of stages of my deve opment of the suggestion that I have been b ack isted# and one wi therefore find a ack of uniformity of thesis in that regard the more one reads. $owever# at this writing I can assert that the suggestion of me being on a b ack ist has reached a p ateau of certainty e-pressed in item 5<8D of segment 3300 and a other discussions must be considered a process of investigation and ana ysis. "e#isions (his is a work in progress. ;very mu tip e of 100 pages reached# I wi post a revision. ,:pdate) =evisions every 100 pages was a practice during beginning stages when the coverage was sparse. >ore recent y# at c ose to 400 pages# revisions have been up oaded at increments of one page# which inc udes considerab e editing that does not add to the page count.* $inally (hat said# here are 1* the segments by themse ves. 2* the segments popu ated by short summaries or other distinguishing features of the fu commentaries. and 3* the segments popu ated by fu commentaries.

(he segments by themse ves

1"!1 01 0? 1 0! 30 00 segment 0000 ,1"!1 Jan. ?# p.m.# !)30)00* 1"!1 0? 13 0 0? 33 32 1"!2 03 15 1 11 36 04 1"!2 10 1" 1 02 40 36 1"!3 0! 24 0 0! 44 0" 1"!3 12 25 1 0? 46 41 1"!4 06 31 0 11 !1 14 1"!! 03 0! 0 02 !4 45 1"!! 10 06 1 0! !? 1? 1"!5 0! 11 0 0" 01 !1 1"!5 12 14 0 00 0! 23 1"!6 06 1? 1 03 0? !5 1"!? 02 20 0 05 12 2? 1"!? 0" 24 1 0" 15 00 1"!" 04 2" 1 00 1" 33 1"!" 12 02 0 03 23 0! 1"50 06 0! 1 05 25 36 segment 0100 segment 0200 segment 0300 segment 0400 segment 0!00 segment 0500 segment 0600 segment 0?00 segment 0"00 segment 1000 segment 1100 segment 1200 segment 1300 segment 1400 segment 1!00 segment 1500

1"!1 0? 13 0 0? 33 32 ,1"!1 2ug. 13# a.m. ?)33)32* 1"!2 03 15 1 11 36 04 1"!2 10 1" 1 02 40 36 1"!3 0! 24 0 0! 44 0" 1"!3 12 25 1 0? 46 41 1"!4 06 31 0 11 !1 14 1"!! 03 0! 0 02 !4 45 1"!! 10 06 1 0! !? 1? 1"!5 0! 11 0 0" 01 !1 1"!5 12 14 0 00 0! 23 1"!6 06 1? 1 03 0? !5 1"!? 02 20 0 05 12 2? 1"!? 0" 24 1 0" 15 00 1"!" 04 2" 1 00 1" 33 1"!" 12 02 0 03 23 0! 1"50 06 0! 1 05 25 36 1"51 02 06 0 0" 30 10

1"51 02 06 0 0" 30 10 1"51 0" 12 0 00 33 42 1"52 04 15 1 03 36 1! 1"52 11 1" 0 05 40 46 1"53 05 23 1 0" 44 1" 1"54 01 25 1 00 46 !2 1"54 0? 30 0 03 !1 24 1"5! 04 03 1 05 !4 !5 1"5! 11 05 0 0" !? 2" 1"55 05 11 0 01 02 01 1"56 01 13 1 04 0! 33 1"56 0? 1? 0 06 0" 05 1"5? 03 21 1 10 12 3? 1"5? 10 24 1 01 15 11 1"5" 0! 2" 0 04 1" 43 1"5" 12 31 1 06 23 1! 1"60 0? 0! 0 10 25 4? 1"61 03 10 0 01 30 20 1"61 10 12 1 04 33 !2 1"62 0! 15 0 06 36 2! 1"62 12 1? 1 10 40 !6 1"63 06 23 1 01 44 30 1"64 02 2! 0 04 4? 02 1"64 0" 2" 1 06 !1 34

segment 1600 segment 1?00 segment 1"00 segment 2000 segment 2100 segment 2200 segment 2300 segment 2400 segment 2!00 segment 2500 segment 2600 segment 2?00 segment 2"00 segment 3000 segment 3100 segment 3200 segment 3300 segment 3400 segment 3!00 segment 3500 segment 3600 segment 3?00 segment 3"00 segment 4000

1"51 0" 12 0 00 33 42 1"52 04 15 1 03 36 1! 1"52 11 1" 0 05 40 46 1"53 05 23 1 0" 44 1" 1"54 01 25 1 00 46 !2 1"54 0? 30 0 03 !1 24 1"5! 04 03 1 05 !4 !5 1"5! 11 05 0 0" !? 2" 1"55 05 11 0 01 02 01 1"56 01 13 1 04 0! 33 1"56 0? 1? 0 06 0" 05 1"5? 03 21 1 10 12 3? 1"5? 10 24 1 01 15 11 1"5" 0! 2" 0 04 1" 43 1"5" 12 31 1 06 23 1! 1"60 0? 0! 0 10 25 4? 1"61 03 10 0 01 30 20 1"61 10 12 1 04 33 !2 1"62 0! 15 0 06 36 2! 1"62 12 1? 1 10 40 !6 1"63 06 23 1 01 44 30 1"64 02 2! 0 04 4? 02 1"64 0" 2" 1 06 !1 34 1"6! 0! 04 0 10 !! 06

1"6! 0! 04 0 10 !! 06 1"6! 12 06 0 01 !? 3" 1"65 06 10 1 0! 02 11 1"66 02 12 0 0? 0! 44 1"66 0" 15 1 11 0" 15 1"6? 04 21 1 02 12 4" 1"6? 11 24 0 0! 15 21 1"6" 05 2? 1 0? 1" !3 1"?0 01 31 0 11 23 25 1"?0 0" 04 0 02 25 !? 1"?0 0" 05 0 05 25 24 1"?0 0" 0? 0 10 2! !0 1"?0 0" 10 1 02 2! 15 1"?0 0" 12 1 05 24 42 1"?0 0" 14 1 10 24 0? 1"?0 0" 16 0 02 23 34 1"?0 0" 1" 0 05 23 00 1"?0 0" 21 1 10 22 25 1"?0 0" 23 1 02 21 !3 1"?0 0" 2! 1 05 21 1" 1"?0 0" 26 1 10 20 4! 1"?0 0" 30 0 02 20 11 1"?0 10 02 0 05 1" 36 1"?0 10 04 0 10 1" 03 1"?0 10 05 1 02 1? 2"

segment 4100 segment 4200 segment 4300 segment 4400 segment 4!00 segment 4500 segment 4600 segment 4?00 segment 4"00 segment !000 segment !001 segment !002 segment !003 segment !004 segment !00! segment !005 segment !006 segment !00? segment !00" segment !010 segment !011 segment !012 segment !013 segment !014 segment !01!

1"6! 12 06 0 01 !? 3" 1"65 06 10 1 0! 02 11 1"66 02 12 0 0? 0! 44 1"66 0" 15 1 11 0" 15 1"6? 04 21 1 02 12 4" 1"6? 11 24 0 0! 15 21 1"6" 05 2? 1 0? 1" !3 1"?0 01 31 0 11 23 25 1"?0 0" 04 0 02 25 !? 1"?1 04 0? 1 0! 30 30 1"?0 0" 0? 0 10 2! !0 1"?0 0" 10 1 02 2! 15 1"?0 0" 12 1 05 24 42 1"?0 0" 14 1 10 24 0? 1"?0 0" 16 0 02 23 34 1"?0 0" 1" 0 05 23 00 1"?0 0" 21 1 10 22 25 1"?0 0" 23 1 02 21 !3 1"?0 0" 2! 1 05 21 1" 1"?0 0" 26 1 10 20 4! 1"?0 0" 30 0 02 20 11 1"?0 10 02 0 05 1" 36 1"?0 10 04 0 10 1" 03 1"?0 10 05 1 02 1? 2" 1"?0 10 0? 1 05 16 !!

1"?0 10 0? 1 05 16 !! 1"?0 10 10 1 10 16 22 1"?0 10 13 0 02 15 4? 1"?0 10 1! 0 05 15 14 1"?0 10 16 0 10 1! 40 1"?0 10 1" 1 02 1! 05 1"?0 10 21 1 05 14 32 1"?0 10 23 1 10 13 !? 1"?0 10 25 0 02 13 24 1"?0 10 2? 0 05 12 !1 1"?0 10 30 0 10 12 16 1"?0 11 01 1 02 11 43 1"?0 11 03 1 05 11 0" 1"?0 11 0! 1 10 10 3! 1"?0 11 0? 0 02 10 01 1"?0 11 10 0 05 0" 26 1"?0 11 12 0 10 0? !3 1"?0 11 14 1 02 0? 1" 1"?0 11 15 1 05 06 45 1"?0 11 1? 1 10 06 12 1"?0 11 21 0 02 05 3? 1"?0 11 23 0 05 05 04 1"?0 11 2! 0 10 0! 30 1"?0 11 26 1 02 04 !5

segment !015 segment !016 segment !01? segment !01" segment !020 segment !021 segment !022 segment !023 segment !024 segment !02! segment !025 segment !026 segment !02? segment !02" segment !030 segment !031 segment !032 segment !033 segment !034 segment !03! segment !035 segment !036 segment !03? segment !03"

1"?0 10 10 1 10 16 22 1"?0 10 13 0 02 15 4? 1"?0 10 1! 0 05 15 14 1"?0 10 16 0 10 1! 40 1"?0 10 1" 1 02 1! 05 1"?0 10 21 1 05 14 32 1"?0 10 23 1 10 13 !? 1"?0 10 25 0 02 13 24 1"?0 10 2? 0 05 12 !1 1"?0 10 30 0 10 12 16 1"?0 11 01 1 02 11 43 1"?0 11 03 1 05 11 0" 1"?0 11 0! 1 10 10 3! 1"?0 11 0? 0 02 10 01 1"?0 11 10 0 05 0" 26 1"?0 11 12 0 10 0? !3 1"?0 11 14 1 02 0? 1" 1"?0 11 15 1 05 06 45 1"?0 11 1? 1 10 06 12 1"?0 11 21 0 02 05 3? 1"?0 11 23 0 05 05 04 1"?0 11 2! 0 10 0! 30 1"?0 11 26 1 02 04 !5 1"?0 11 2" 1 05 04 22

1"?0 11 2" 1 05 04 22 1"?0 12 01 1 10 03 4? 1"?0 12 04 0 02 03 1! 1"?0 12 05 0 05 02 41 1"?0 12 0? 0 10 02 06 1"?0 12 10 1 02 01 33 1"?0 12 12 1 05 00 !" 1"?0 12 14 1 10 00 2! 1"?0 12 16 0 01 !" !1 1"?0 12 1" 0 0! !" 16 1"?0 12 21 0 0" !? 43 1"?0 12 23 1 01 !? 10 1"?0 12 2! 1 0! !6 35 1"?0 12 26 1 0" !6 02 1"?0 12 30 0 01 !5 2? 1"?1 01 01 0 0! !! !4 1"?1 01 03 0 0" !! 20 1"?1 01 0! 1 01 !4 45 1"?1 01 06 1 0! !4 12 1"?1 01 0" 1 0" !3 3" 1"?1 01 12 0 01 !3 0! 1"?1 01 14 0 0! !2 31 1"?1 01 15 0 0" !1 !6 1"?1 01 1? 1 01 !1 23 1"?1 01 20 1 0! !0 4"

segment !040 segment !041 segment !042 segment !043 segment !044 segment !04! segment !045 segment !046 segment !04? segment !04" segment !0!0 segment !0!1 segment !0!2 segment !0!3 segment !0!4 segment !0!! segment !0!5 segment !0!6 segment !0!? segment !0!" segment !050 segment !051 segment !052 segment !053 segment !054

1"?0 12 01 1 10 03 4? 1"?0 12 04 0 02 03 1! 1"?0 12 05 0 05 02 41 1"?0 12 0? 0 10 02 06 1"?0 12 10 1 02 01 33 1"?0 12 12 1 05 00 !" 1"?0 12 14 1 10 00 2! 1"?0 12 16 0 01 !" !1 1"?0 12 1" 0 0! !" 16 1"?0 12 21 0 0" !? 43 1"?0 12 23 1 01 !? 10 1"?0 12 2! 1 0! !6 35 1"?0 12 26 1 0" !6 02 1"?0 12 30 0 01 !5 2? 1"?1 01 01 0 0! !! !4 1"?1 01 03 0 0" !! 20 1"?1 01 0! 1 01 !4 45 1"?1 01 06 1 0! !4 12 1"?1 01 0" 1 0" !3 3" 1"?1 01 12 0 01 !3 0! 1"?1 01 14 0 0! !2 31 1"?1 01 15 0 0" !1 !6 1"?1 01 1? 1 01 !1 23 1"?1 01 20 1 0! !0 4" 1"?1 01 22 1 0" !0 1!

1"?1 01 22 1 0" !0 1! 1"?1 01 2! 0 01 4" 41 1"?1 01 26 0 0! 4" 0? 1"?1 01 2" 0 0" 4? 34 1"?1 01 31 1 01 4? 00 1"?1 02 02 1 0! 46 25 1"?1 02 04 1 0" 45 !2 1"?1 02 06 0 01 45 1? 1"?1 02 0" 0 0! 4! 44 1"?1 02 11 0 0" 4! 10 1"?1 02 13 1 01 44 36 1"?1 02 1! 1 0! 44 03 1"?1 02 16 1 0" 43 2" 1"?1 02 20 0 01 42 !! 1"?1 02 22 0 0! 42 21 1"?1 02 24 0 0" 41 46 1"?1 02 25 1 01 41 13 1"?1 02 2? 1 0! 40 3" 1"?1 03 02 1 0" 40 0! 1"?1 03 0! 0 01 3" 32 1"?1 03 06 0 0! 3? !? 1"?1 03 0" 0 0" 3? 24 1"?1 03 11 1 01 36 !0 1"?1 03 13 1 0! 36 15

segment !05! segment !055 segment !056 segment !05? segment !05" segment !060 segment !061 segment !062 segment !063 segment !064 segment !06! segment !065 segment !066 segment !06? segment !06" segment !0?0 segment !0?1 segment !0?2 segment !0?3 segment !0?4 segment !0?! segment !0?5 segment !0?6 segment !0??

1"?1 01 2! 0 01 4" 41 1"?1 01 26 0 0! 4" 0? 1"?1 01 2" 0 0" 4? 34 1"?1 01 31 1 01 4? 00 1"?1 02 02 1 0! 46 25 1"?1 02 04 1 0" 45 !2 1"?1 02 06 0 01 45 1? 1"?1 02 0" 0 0! 4! 44 1"?1 02 11 0 0" 4! 10 1"?1 02 13 1 01 44 36 1"?1 02 1! 1 0! 44 03 1"?1 02 16 1 0" 43 2" 1"?1 02 20 0 01 42 !! 1"?1 02 22 0 0! 42 21 1"?1 02 24 0 0" 41 46 1"?1 02 25 1 01 41 13 1"?1 02 2? 1 0! 40 3" 1"?1 03 02 1 0" 40 0! 1"?1 03 0! 0 01 3" 32 1"?1 03 06 0 0! 3? !? 1"?1 03 0" 0 0" 3? 24 1"?1 03 11 1 01 36 !0 1"?1 03 13 1 0! 36 15 1"?1 03 1! 1 0" 35 42

1"?1 03 1! 1 0" 35 42 1"?1 03 1? 0 01 35 0? 1"?1 03 20 0 0! 3! 34 1"?1 03 22 0 0" 3! 01 1"?1 03 24 1 01 34 26 1"?1 03 25 1 0! 33 !3 1"?1 03 2? 1 0" 33 1" 1"?1 03 31 0 01 32 4! 1"?1 04 02 0 0! 32 11 1"?1 04 04 0 0" 31 36 1"?1 04 05 1 01 31 03 1"?1 04 0? 1 0! 30 30 1"?1 11 11 0 0? 34 03 1"?2 05 1! 1 11 36 3! 1"?3 01 1? 1 02 41 06 1"?3 0? 23 0 0! 44 40 1"?4 03 25 1 0? 4? 12 1"?4 10 2" 0 11 !1 4! 1"?! 05 03 0 02 !! 16 1"?5 01 0! 1 0! !? 4" 1"?5 0? 10 0 0" 02 22 1"?6 03 1! 0 00 0! !4 1"?6 10 16 1 03 0" 25 1"?? 0! 21 0 05 12 !" 1"?? 12 23 1 0" 15 31

segment !0?" segment !0"0 segment !0"1 segment !0"2 segment !0"3 segment !0"4 segment !0"! segment !0"5 segment !0"6 segment !0"? segment !0"" segment !100 segment !200 segment !300 segment !400 segment !!00 segment !500 segment !600 segment !?00 segment !"00 segment 5000 segment 5100 segment 5200 segment 5300 segment 5400

1"?1 03 1? 0 01 35 0? 1"?1 03 20 0 0! 3! 34 1"?1 03 22 0 0" 3! 01 1"?1 03 24 1 01 34 26 1"?1 03 25 1 0! 33 !3 1"?1 03 2? 1 0" 33 1" 1"?1 03 31 0 01 32 4! 1"?1 04 02 0 0! 32 11 1"?1 04 04 0 0" 31 36 1"?1 04 05 1 01 31 03 1"?1 04 0? 1 0! 30 30 1"?1 11 11 0 0? 34 03 1"?2 05 1! 1 11 36 3! 1"?3 01 1? 1 02 41 06 1"?3 0? 23 0 0! 44 40 1"?4 03 25 1 0? 4? 12 1"?4 10 2" 0 11 !1 4! 1"?! 05 03 0 02 !! 16 1"?5 01 0! 1 0! !? 4" 1"?5 0? 10 0 0" 02 22 1"?6 03 1! 0 00 0! !4 1"?6 10 16 1 03 0" 25 1"?? 0! 21 0 05 12 !" 1"?? 12 23 1 0" 15 31 1"?" 06 2? 1 00 20 04

1"?" 06 2? 1 00 20 04 1""0 03 02 0 03 23 35 1""0 10 04 1 05 26 0? 1""1 0! 0" 0 0" 30 41 1""1 12 12 0 00 34 13 1""2 06 1! 1 03 36 4! 1""3 02 16 0 05 41 1? 1""3 0" 21 1 0" 44 !0 1""4 04 25 1 00 4? 23 1""4 11 2" 0 03 !1 !! 1""! 06 03 1 05 !! 26 1""5 02 0! 0 0" !" 00 1""5 0" 0" 0 01 02 32 1""6 04 13 1 04 05 04 1""6 11 15 0 06 0" 36 1""? 05 20 1 10 13 0" 1""" 01 23 1 01 15 41 1""" 0? 2? 0 04 20 14 2000 04 01 1 06 23 45 2000 11 04 0 10 26 1" 2001 05 0" 0 01 30 !1 2002 01 11 1 04 34 23 2002 0? 15 0 06 36 !5 2003 03 20 1 10 41 2?

segment 5!00 segment 5500 segment 5600 segment 5?00 segment 5"00 segment 6000 segment 6100 segment 6200 segment 6300 segment 6400 segment 6!00 segment 6500 segment 6600 segment 6?00 segment 6"00 segment ?000 segment ?100 segment ?200 segment ?300 segment ?400 segment ?!00 segment ?500 segment ?600 segment ??00

1""0 03 02 0 03 23 35 1""0 10 04 1 05 26 0? 1""1 0! 0" 0 0" 30 41 1""1 12 12 0 00 34 13 1""2 06 1! 1 03 36 4! 1""3 02 16 0 05 41 1? 1""3 0" 21 1 0" 44 !0 1""4 04 25 1 00 4? 23 1""4 11 2" 0 03 !1 !! 1""! 06 03 1 05 !! 26 1""5 02 0! 0 0" !" 00 1""5 0" 0" 0 01 02 32 1""6 04 13 1 04 05 04 1""6 11 15 0 06 0" 36 1""? 05 20 1 10 13 0" 1""" 01 23 1 01 15 41 1""" 0? 2? 0 04 20 14 2000 04 01 1 06 23 45 2000 11 04 0 10 26 1" 2001 05 0" 0 01 30 !1 2002 01 11 1 04 34 23 2002 0? 15 0 06 36 !5 2003 03 20 1 10 41 2? 2003 10 23 1 01 4! 00

2003 10 23 1 01 4! 00 2004 0! 26 0 04 4? 33 2004 12 2" 1 06 !2 0! 200! 0? 03 0 10 !! 3? 2005 03 0? 0 01 !" 10 2005 10 10 1 0! 02 42 2006 0! 1! 0 0? 05 1! 2006 12 16 1 11 0" 46 200? 06 21 1 02 13 1" 200" 02 23 0 0! 15 !2 200" 0" 26 1 0? 20 24

segment ?"00 segment "000 segment "100 segment "200 segment "300 segment "400 segment "!00 segment "500 segment "600 segment "?00 segment ""00

2004 0! 26 0 04 4? 33 2004 12 2" 1 06 !2 0! 200! 0? 03 0 10 !! 3? 2005 03 0? 0 01 !" 10 2005 10 10 1 0! 02 42 2006 0! 1! 0 0? 05 1! 2006 12 16 1 11 0" 46 200? 06 21 1 02 13 1" 200" 02 23 0 0! 15 !2 200" 0" 26 1 0? 20 24 2010 0! 02 0 11 23 !6

(he segments popu ated by short summaries or other distinguishing features of the fu commentaries

1"!1 01 0? 1 0! 30 00 segment 0000 ,1"!1 Jan. ?# p.m.# !)30)00* @@item%%2135 1"!1 01 0? 1 0! 30 00 to 1"!4 01 Berwyn sub%item%%<2?3 Aenneth James Batek sub%item%%B388 Jane 3i t Batek sub%item%%426? chi dren of Aenneth and Jane Batek

1"!1 0? 13 0 0? 33 32 ,1"!1 2ug. 13# a.m. ?)33)32*

sub%item%%058! marriages of chi dren of Aenneth and Jane Batek# and chi dren of those marriages sub%item%%D"26 ancestry of my father sub%item%%"133 ancestry of my mother 1"!1 0? 13 0 0? 33 32 1"!2 03 15 1 11 36 04 1"!2 10 1" 1 02 40 36 1"!3 0! 24 0 0! 44 0" item%%2B13 segment 0100 segment 0200 segment 0300 segment 0400 1"!2 03 15 1 11 36 04 1"!2 10 1" 1 02 40 36 1"!3 0! 24 0 0! 44 0" 1"!3 12 25 1 0? 46 41

my first memory item%%<;?2 my first words 1"!3 12 25 1 0? 46 41 @@item%%!"B8 1"!4 01 to 1"!" 05 ived in ; mhurst# IB sub%item%%<4!8 my father9s beauty shop sub%item%%24D! my sense of time sub%item%%23"3 the neighborhood in ; mhurst# IB sub%item%%3!BB my range of movement in ; mhurst# IB item%%2BD3 other descendants of my parents9 parents 1"!4 06 31 0 11 !1 14 item%%2052 the firehouse in Corkfie d 1"!! 03 0! 0 02 !4 45 1"!! 10 06 1 0! !? 1? item%%5B48 our property in ; mhurst# IB item%%06D5 inf uence of pacifism# of my mother# and ater# strength# of my father item%%;;3" stepped on a board with a nai in it that pierced my foot item%%;<!! grape vine and garden item%%6D;3 caught bees in .ars fi ed with gaso ine# ki ing them. segment 0600 segment 0?00 1"!! 10 06 1 0! !? 1? 1"!5 0! 11 0 0" 01 !1 segment 0500 1"!! 03 0! 0 02 !4 45 segment 0!00 1"!4 06 31 0 11 !1 14

item%%;338 7orman 'haffer item%%?<03 the Jordans item%%;B<4 >a/iericks item%%;<1" =obie 8ramm item%%;!63 8arriers item%%4?!2 Bobb y 'id o item%%;!63 nowhere for sports item%%02B4 bicyc e trip item%%;;4? hand%operated brakes 1"!5 0! 11 0 0" 01 !1 @@item%%01B1 1"!5 0" to 1"!6 05 kindergarden item%%D4B2 Diane $ansen item%%4122 urination game item%%5!3D two gir s on .ung e gym item%%28B? se-ua ity%%diaper arousa item%%!2;3 cross dressing with >aureen Jordan segment 0"00 1"!5 12 14 0 00 0! 23

item%%;!3B not a homose-ua item%%5B1! church 1"!5 12 14 0 00 0! 23 segment 1000 1"!6 06 1? 1 03 0? !5

item%%B!55 neighborhood friends in ; mhurst# IB item%%3522 Johnny and 2r ene B aue 1"!6 06 1? 1 03 0? !5 @@item%%B4B< 1"!6 0" to 1"!? 05 first grade item%%"!;3 etters and numbers item%%168! dancing with 2r ene B aue item%%?;1D (ruth oses its uster in confronting my mother9s rigidity. item%%8""4 8hristmas 1"!? 02 20 0 05 12 2? @@item%%1<83 1"!? 0" to 1"!" 05 second grade item%%8865 interior courtyard item%%D?0! surprising the principa 1"!? 0" 24 1 0" 15 00 item%%24!8 (he teacher asks a +uestion. segment 1300 1"!" 04 2" 1 00 1" 33 segment 1200 1"!? 0" 24 1 0" 15 00 segment 1100 1"!? 02 20 0 05 12 2?

1"!" 04 2" 1 00 1" 33

segment 1400

1"!" 12 02 0 03 23 0!

item%%"0B6 >y father is f eeing the city9s b ack popu ation in moving to ; mhurst and then to D en ; yn. item%%"0!" painting the new house in D en ; yn# IB item%%?4;< moving .ob# ; mhurst to D en ; yn item%%6220 the new house item%%<182 ocation of the new house in D en ; yn# IB item%%0364 D en ; yn is wea thy. item%%5?41 Bake ; yn and D enbard 3est $igh 'choo item%%"D01 Deography of D en ; yn# IB @@item%%DB03 1"!" 05 to 1"5" 0" ived in D en ; yn# IB sub%item%%2B"3 my father9s beauty shop in D en ; yn# IB @@item%%?1!D 1"!" 0" to 1"50 05 third grade item%%!661 Baura 'inden item%%"6!1 Ji $artman item%%3;53 Diedre >ays item%%4<1< =aymond $endee# principa

item%%<DD0 a piece of artwork by me is disp ayed by >rs. &eterson to the c ass item%%?1?1 vacation at Deneva on the Bake# E$ 1"!" 12 02 0 03 23 0! segment 1!00 1"50 06 0! 1 05 25 36

item%%003< Betty 3i t gives me an escutcheon. 1"50 06 0! 1 05 25 36 @@item%%;208 1"50 0" to 1"51 05 fourth grade item%%"D3! oud whist ing item%%?5D< >y father whist ed for us at dinnertime. item%%5"42 mu tip icatiion tab e item%%8253 grade schoo band%%the c arinet 1"51 02 06 0 0" 30 10 @@item%%!"55 1"51 0" to 1"52 05 fifth grade item%%4628 Bisa >artins item%%B54B homing pigeons 1"51 0" 12 0 00 33 42 item%%8533 the 'chu t/es item%%0605 fishing at Deep Bake segment 1?00 1"52 04 15 1 03 36 1! segment 1600 1"51 0" 12 0 00 33 42 segment 1500 1"51 02 06 0 0" 30 10

item%%5D;< Bake ; yn# summer and winter item%%55<6 sobbing at the ake item%%;"02 my brother Dave9s theft of some coins from me item%%"866 Aenny Esborn item%%"2D2 the $odges item%%D568 code with >ike D92ddio item%%D264 >ike D92ddio9s speech item%%B443 reader system co ors item%%34"1 I invent a math operation of dubious significance. item%%1208 the Aants# iving behind us. 1"52 04 15 1 03 36 1! @@item%%?8"2 1"52 0" to 1"53 05 si-th grade sub%item%%5636 ocation of si-th grade c assroom sub%item%%3D8B >iss 'nowbrich and softba sub%item%%;"6B A Wrinkle in Time sub%item%%3"26 Ji ;ngher ,spF* sub%item%%12!5 segment 1"00 1"52 11 1" 0 05 40 46

tracked mathematics sub%item%%3282 science e-periment item%%"3D3 3eek y =eader item%%2?21 G!0 :.'. savings bond from Betty 3i t spent on a bicyc e item%%1<<3 (he coin and stamp co ecting tradition came down from Betty 3i t. item%%824; 7ew Cear9s ;ve parties 1"52 11 1" 0 05 40 46 item%%2?<; p ay and science item%%5?1" marching through the house beating pan covers item%%0484 (he home of James Jacob and >arie 'mach Batek in 7apervi e# IB 1"53 05 23 1 0" 44 1" @@item%%06B" 1"53 0" to 1"5! 05 .unior high sub%item%%;<30 four honors c asses sub%item%%226< Aaren $uenemann sub%item%%156; 8andice 3oods item%%!;"" each sub.ect taught by different teacher in .unior high item%%6""2 high honor ro segment 2100 1"54 01 25 1 00 46 !2 segment 2000 1"53 05 23 1 0" 44 1"

item%%B6?8 basketba the top sport item%%!825 cheer eaders item%%1658 intramura s item%%556< wrest ing item%%36<D origina etter sets in art c ass item%%8!52 ;ng ish c ass# 6th grade item%%2"1! shop# gym# socia studies# ;ng ish# and math item%%1518 gym c ass item%%225! cross dressing and e.acu ation item%%;2?? Bobby =ivers dance studio) winning dance contest with Barb Aramer item%%;2"< schoo dance contest) winning with Aathy =ahm item%%28"1 sitting beside Aathy =ahm and Aaren $uenemann at the D en (heatre 1"54 01 25 1 00 46 !2 item%%;D;2 Baurie Di iam item%%103B bought a ring 1"54 0? 30 0 03 !1 24 item%%D21! first date segment 2300 1"5! 04 03 1 05 !4 !5 segment 2200 1"54 0? 30 0 03 !1 24

item%%5262 2merican Begion award honorab e mention 1"5! 04 03 1 05 !4 !5 item%%0646 Boys9 'tate item%%5;"6 footba in high schoo @@item%%D546 1"5! 0" to 1"55 05 freshman in high schoo sub%item%%D<D! the course book et sub%item%%6228 representative to 'tudents9 Beague sub%item%%B"D! der and ambition item%%?2B6 Batin item%%"02; honors math item%%<25; Joe en Aennedy item%%D<5; wrest ing item%%B"5; go f item%4??; gym c ass 1"5! 11 05 0 0" !? 2" segment 2!00 1"55 05 11 0 01 02 01 segment 2400 1"5! 11 05 0 0" !? 2"

item%%B<5< typing c ass during summer of 1"55 1"55 05 11 0 01 02 01 segment 2500 1"56 01 13 1 04 0! 33

item%%5828 footba @@item%%8!!6 1"55 0" to 1"56 05 sophomore year of high schoo item%%B!;3 <rench item%%"2D? chemistry item%%<6B; .ourna ism item%%03BD wrest ing item%%3;<? s ideru e 1"56 01 13 1 04 0! 33 1"56 0? 1? 0 06 0" 05 @@ item%%011? 1"56 0" to 1"5? 05 .unior year in high schoo sub%item%%!<8< math sub%item%%46D? after studies# before bed sub%item%%<623 >u 2 pha (heta sub%item%%6<!! sports editor for the high schoo newspaper sub%item%%?55D no more foorba or wrest ing for me sub%item%%6??B 3endy Dirks sub%item%%8?3? segment 2600 segment 2?00 1"56 0? 1? 0 06 0" 05 1"5? 03 21 1 10 12 3?

separation of my parents# Aenneth James Batek and Jane 3i t Batek sub%item%%!;;! c ass rank ? out of 500 sub%item%%2!68 not admitted to 7ationa $onor 'ociety sub%item%%16<" 30%mi e charity wa k 1"5? 03 21 1 10 12 3? segment 2"00 1"5? 10 24 1 01 15 11

item%%;05; managing editor of the high schoo newspaper item%%310D .ob at Ben Daubner9s nursery @@item%%B8;; 1"5? 0" to 1"5" 05 senior year at high schoo sub%item%%2"28 high schoo newspaper item%%4!66 (he decision between careers as either a scientist or a socia activist. item%%853? >y father says to me I am not going to get into Ca e. item%%"380 give ecture on ste ar evo ution 1"5? 10 24 1 01 15 11 item%%;B4? 8hicago Dai y 7ews item%%<222 'tar (rek item%%?;"0 >artha $err item%%"140 =uth 'hepherd segment 3000 1"5" 0! 2" 0 04 1" 43

item%%B;2< animosity with :nc e Bi 3i t item%%;353 navigotor for Deorge 'chu t/ in a D enbard 3est road ra y item%%332B co ege entrance tests item%%"2<" c ass rank senior year item%%52B; 7ationa $onor 'ociety item%%D82? hired by <ermi 7ationa 2cce erator Babs for summer item%%65D; Barbara 'hoemaker got me the <ermi ab .ob. 1"5" 0! 2" 0 04 1" 43 segment 3100 1"5" 12 31 1 06 23 1!

item%%;628 D en ; yn 'tudent :nion eader item%%?26B &ame a ;spe and item%%?!1B <ermi ab @@item%%";21 1"5" 0" to 1"63 05 04 student at Ca e 8o ege sub%item%%D?6; E d 8ampus sub%item%%3433 8o ege 'cho arship 'ervice and my father9s underpayment of the bi item%%<858 3ithout a retarded person to peer with# I b ossomed# but it ed to menta i ness ater. item%%2;<1 iso ation at Ca e item%%2;!8

3%day conference before schoo started item%%352! I imagine for myse f a ife devoted to work for poor b ack peop e with no pay. item%%11<3 7ancy By off item%%201; Dined with Joan 2usebe in 'i iman 8o ege dining ha # not sure when. item%%5?!< Debby =othman item%%4!3" &i-ie 3i iams item%%212? my freshman roommates item%%!5D0 >y entryway freshman year. iem%%;!36 I mis.udge 8har ie# the freshman counse or. item%%2"8! I draw our door at 3?4 3right $a . item%%!"01 8hristian 8ommunity 2ction weekend in the $i 7eighborhood. =acist monarchy a erted to me. item%%?622 2nne =hodes item%%;<12 Batte 8hape item%%!;22 first semester freshman year courses item%%5?"4 Design 8ontinuum c ass item%%D0?B ; ementary ;conomics c ass item%%B<0< ;ng ish Biterature Backgrounds c ass

item%%!2"0 2dvanced <rench c ass item%%23?4 Binear 2 gebra H 2na ytic Deometry c ass item%%8D23 osing virginity in D en ; yn# IB 1"5" 12 31 1 06 23 1! item%%888D Debby 7ied/wicki item%%D!1< Betty 3i t on me and 2ndrea 2nderson item%%?BB" Jane 2nderson 3ise item%%0?8! mountaineering item%%0D52 caving item%%B221 second semester freshman year courses item%%62 D8 Design 8ontinuum c ass item%%2?5< Dovernment and &o itics in the :rban ;nvironment c ass item%%8602 >ayday Demonstrations in 7ew $aven item%%62D8 second summer at <ermi ab item%%;5"2 another summer with the D en ; yn 'tudent :nion item%%8DD< Ingrid 'pe nes9s mother says my sister 'andy is the bright shining academic star of our fami y. item%%4446 segment 3200 1"60 0? 0! 0 10 25 4?

I eap in the air saying# 0I have so much to bui dI0 1"60 0? 0! 0 10 25 4? segment 3300 1"61 03 10 0 01 30 20

@@item%%2?23 1"60 0" to 1"61 05 sophomore year at Ca e 8o ege item 5<8D sophomore year work%study. the beginning of b ack ists. sub%item%%D!8! Book and 'nake sub%item%%;;<2 'ku and Bones sub%item%%<;DD Janet Dougherty sub%item%%44B2 tour of $arkness (ower with Janet Dougherty sub%item%%D"62 fond ing Janet Dougherty in basement of Branford 8o ege sub%item%%?6B4 Janet berates me for disp aying my artwork. item%%422< Janet and I discuss our target ifetime engths. sub%item%%84!D s eeping with Janet Dougherty sub%item%%B?;0 Janet Dougherty takes the morning after pi . sub%item%%2B20 three embraces with Janet Dougherty sub%item%%6?B3 Janet Dougherty9s mother kisses me on the ips in Janet9s home in Bindenhurst# 7C. sub%item%%32!" 'taying with Janet Dougherty in her room during 8hristmas break sub%item%%D4B6 first semester sophomore year c asses

sub%item%%60<; Introduction to Bio ogy c ass sub%item%%!;6B Introductory $Istory of 2rt c ass sub%item%%2;5" Denera &sycho ogy c ass sub%item%%D212 ; ementary 'panish c ass sub%item%%8;B8 on y pub ic disp ay of affection with Janet Dougherty sub%item%%0D?B innocence and Janet Dougherty sub%item%%!!D8 randomness sub%item%%;!D8 break%up attempt with Janet Dougherty sub%item%%0?8< second semester sophomore year c asses sub%item%%?B08 20th 8entury &hi osophy c ass sub%item%%;034 &hi osophy of >odern 2rt c ass sub%item%%60<8 &ersona ity Dynamics and Deve opment c ass item%%5822 roommates sophomore year%%Jon <atu a and &eter $ickok 1"61 03 10 0 01 30 20 segment 3400 1"61 10 12 1 04 33 !2

item%%2"16 Janet Dougherty has an affair with her professor. 3e break up. item%%14<D third summer at <ermi ab item%%?215

decision to make so o bicyc e tour to avoid oncoming depression over osing Janet Dougherty item%%D65; maiden voyage bike trip to Bake Deneva# E$ 1"61 10 12 1 04 33 !2 item%%<2?2 stop cyc ing in 7ice# <rance item%%4;02 Bridgitte de Berti item%%0;<5 2merican friends in 7ice item%%B1BD trip to 'pain to buy a guitar# Ita ian ride pursues young gir item%%8646 Domini+ue &igno and 8hanta Jigoreuitem%%4DD4 Barce ona item%%5B8< ride to >adrid item%%3?<! I buy a guitar in >adrid. item%%45?B performing dogs item%%5"62 the Doyas at the &rado >useum item%%B824 stayed in home in >adrid item%%5?D1 hitchhike back to 7ice item%%1005 start practicing c assica guitar item%%B<63 7ice to =ome segment 3!00 1"62 0! 15 0 06 36 2!

item%%6;1" =ome# and on to 7ew Cork 8ity# 7ew $aven# and 8hicago item%%86B; Aaren 3o ff and ;i een $offman# roommates item%%3!DD (he $igh 'choo in the 8ommunity# 7ew $aven# 8() I teach a geometry c ass. item%%2"56 Brian# the ;ng ish 8ommunist &arty head9s son# visits. item%%6!68 (he three men I was to room with .unior year but didn9t. item%%<46" scu pture c ass with Irwin $auer item%%;82D housewarming party item%%56<! second semester .unior year c asses item%%81D4 ;conomic 'ystems c ass item%%226? Deve opment ;conomics c ass item%%2388 ;conomic $istory from the Industria =evo ution c ass item%%BD?3 &robabi ity and its 2pp ications c ass item%%410< >ary Aay 'im+u item%%822< Brenda 'trange# part 112 1"62 0! 15 0 06 36 2! segment 3500 1"62 12 1? 1 10 40 !6

item%%;D3B ink to .ourna of bicyc e trip from 'eatt e to 8hicago item%%6D24 fourth summer working at <ermi ab

@@item%%<28! 1"62 06 to 1""5 0" 2ntointette >arie Burchard item%%D"?8 8hery Ao/e ka and Jo ene @@item%%22;2 1"62 0" to 1"63 05 senior year at Ca e 8o ege @@item%%<B6B 1"62 0" to 1"?0 0" Danie a Dane i item%%22?; 36 (rumbu 'treet apartment item%%<62! Bi ie $utching# gir friend item%%23<? Bes ie 2coca item%%??!D Joanne 'tacey item%%5"18 internationa fo k dancing item%%?D0D first semester senior year c asses item%%"B1< (heory of 2rchitecture c ass item%%0?2? >oney and <isca &o icy c ass item%%36;? Internationa (rade (heory c ass item%%B85< Departmenta ;ssay item%%5223 Introduction to <rench Biterature c ass

item%%4DB! 8hery Burack 1"62 12 1? 1 10 40 !6 item%%5;12 Brenda 'trange# part 212 item%%"?8? mount a scu pture 1! stories ta in A ine Bio ogy (ower stairwe Kitem%%2382 hot cocoa and E9$enry at bedtime item%%2"86 8har es >oore gives me references to architects in five cities. item%%<1;5 ; iot 0'pike0 >idd eton photographs my scu ptures for me to show architect prospects in Boston. item%%83;D Boring Ingraham sends me to $arvard to get he p from Bart Brown ooking for work in architecture. item%%B21B Bi 3a t/er and I take a group of Ca e cyc ists to ' eeping Diant &ark. item%%;;15 discovery of the I 8hing item%%2;05 8hery Burack passes through 7ew $aven and gives me a ca . item%%8!0; second semester of senior year c asses item%%423" Drafting c ass item%%<;;" 'taticstics and ;conometrics c ass item%%1384 ;conomic &erspectives on 3omen c ass item%%;8?" Introduction to <rench Biterature c ass item%%3?!" fire in apartment# theft of bicyc e segment 3600 1"63 06 23 1 01 44 30

item%%D!03 Boring Ingraham castts the I 8hing for me# predicts things wi get worse. item%%281! &asha# friend of Jictor and 2nn 'tewart item%%2DD0 I find my bicyc e being ridden by someone item%%855! at 36 (rumbu ) 3anda# Brigg# Binda 'chott# and 2nne 'tewart item%%;5<D momentous argument over a graduation re+uirement item%%;851 Ca e graduation ceremony item%%DD12 24 >e on 'treet# 8ambridge# >2 1"63 06 23 1 01 44 30 item%%0"B" money runs out item%%?B10 start work at (he 2rchitects 8o aborative in 8ambridge# >2# as an office boy item%%?B10 foot race with James Jeas and (ody 'irois%%suggestion that it ed to my menta i ness item%%B266 some of the partners at (28 item%%<"12 (28 Effice 'ervices item%%52D! (28# specifications# ibrary# bui ding superintendant item%%?063 (28 ground f oor item%%"8"? Dennis Brady item%%2142 segment 3?00 1"64 02 2! 0 04 4? 02

Bob 'wain item%%64"1 2nn =hodes item%%!123 modern dance c ass with 2nn (o bert item%%05"D modern dance c asses with 8 air >a ardi and Dorothy $ershkowit/ 1"64 02 2! 0 04 4? 02 segment 3"00 1"64 0" 2" 1 06 !1 34

item%%<;3" I bui d a oft in my bedroom and design new e ectrica work. item%%B5D! Bawrence of 2rabia# the movie item%%B8D; fok dancing) >I( and 8ambridge C382 item%%5D"4 >anda a <o k Dance ;nsemb e member item%%51DD ; en 3eiss item%%1?"2 (he beginning of my interest in history. item%%632? the 2bu Dhabi hospita team at (28 item%%;2D! (he 2bu Dhabi team visits Ise Dropius in her home in Binco n# >2. ; en 3eiss and I go with. item%%4212 ateness to work item%%05<? spi coffee item%%6538 &atrick $Icko- on my knowing Bes ie 2coca item%%1822 party with 8 aire Be>esseurier on roof

item%%62<6 onset of menta i ness item%%466< dispute over fre+uency of visits to see physician# Dr. Anaster item%%B<34 'hort vacation to visit my mother in D en ; yn# IB. item%%D6?B days spent with Bob 'wain# James B ock item%%8D00 3! Bake Jiew residence 1"64 0" 2" 1 06 !1 34 item%%!26< (hora/ine and s eepiness 1"6! 0! 04 0 10 !! 06 segment 4100 1"6! 12 06 0 01 !? 3" segment 4000 1"6! 0! 04 0 10 !! 06

item%%B10? go off medication and re apse# arrange to move in with my father in 't. &ete Beach# <B 1"6! 12 06 0 01 !? 3" segment 4200 1"65 06 10 1 0! 02 11

item%%1<34 my father9s view of my memory of ife events item%%2"B" I read 2utobiography of a Cogi by &aramahansa Cogananda. >y father ca s it unsuitab e as I am sick. item%%2264 >y father te s me the news that Darry Bruack had died. item%%<;?2 I get on 'ocia 'ecurrity Disabi ity Insurance. item%%!?1< >y father says some Jews are beautifu . item%%"0<" &sychotic# I am arrested. item%%D23? patient at &ine as 8ounty >enta $ea th 8ener item%%621D

ock%up unit at D. &ierce 3oods >emoria $ospita 1"65 06 10 1 0! 02 11 item%%184! ife at 3oods $ospita item%%1!4< accepted at :niversity of 'outh < orida for work on second bache or9s degree in math item%%2D64 before :'<# a c ass in <ortran @@item%%3<5< 1"66 01 to 1"6? 05 attended :niversity of 'outh < orida in (ampa# <B item%%2022 residence at <ontana $a item%%26!5 =ay 2 bury# <ontana friends item%%16"D 8raig Brandt item%%2886 ;ddie Dares item%%!B0" a fe ow named >e item%%235! >ark <ountain item%%2D1" 7orman <rank in item%%4D"6 a gir named Brenda item%%054; Die Fledermaus item%%!<05 A Little Night Music item%%6B30 =io ando# the dancing count segment 4300 1"66 02 12 0 0? 0! 44

item%%;526 (he >ormon 8hurch item%%1D2; John 8age appearance item%%4"D? photo of 8arrie <isher as &rincess Beia item%%252! meet 8hristo# the artist 1"66 02 12 0 0? 0! 44 item%%3<!5 p anetarium at :'< item%%5255 Carrie item%%8B65 weight room item%%;;?6 wa k to :'< item%%4"6; switch from math to astronomy# and therefore physics for a B2 item%%<!26 performance night at <ontana $a item%%14D3 wet (%shirt contest at <onatana $a item%%BD4" 7orthside >enta $ea th 8enter item%%!"?1 >y father says I shou d become a writer. item%%180? work for summer at <ermi ab item%%"6;3 I attend a partic e physics conference. item%%!?D6 segment 4400 1"66 0" 15 1 11 0" 15

stayed with my mother for summer 1"66 0" 15 1 11 0" 15 1"6? 04 21 1 02 12 4" segment 4!00 segment 4500 1"6? 04 21 1 02 12 4" 1"6? 11 24 0 0! 15 21

item%%6DDB begin to work for summer at <ermi ab item%%32B5 <ermi ab work) so dering wires item%%D10! I discuss# with director =obert =. 3i son# mounting my scu pture in the centra ab bui ding at <ermi ab item%%B533 Baurie Di iam# =avinia item%%D6<B offerred a summer .ob at 72'2 in >ountain Jiew# 82# which I accept and +uit at <ermi ab item%%2224 I arrange to stay with Jon <atu a in &a o 2 to# 82. item%%;?;D Jon <atu a9s wife# =obin $uffman item%%<3!? I meet 'andy again on B2=(. item%%4D23 chess against the 'tanford :niverstiy computer item%%42<2 >y app ication to transfer in January of 1"6" to :8'8 from :'< is accepted. item%%6!<! sub et apartment in &a o 2 to item%%DD48 72'2 summer .ob item%%?00B Aatherine >cDerrity and her friend# John Dobson# astronomer item%%4<!D &Ioneer Jenus item%%5<53

te ephone ca to Jess Bair item%%;?"1 visit with Barbara 'hoemaker @@item%%8"0" 1"6? 0" to 1"6? 12 work at 8oherent# Inc. item%%6B0< 8oherent factory sub%item%%0;2; tunab e dye asers sub%item%%8D22 an ear ier autobiography item%%D640 Aah i Dibran item%%0;8B writing course in &a o 2 to item%%;4!! house with artifacts embedded in it item%%?;D" an a %ma e conference. 1"6? 11 24 0 0! 15 21 @@item%%?D<" 1"6" 01 to 1"?0 05 attended :8'8 item%%<6!B ; ectromagnetism with Bi Burke item%%55?2 8rown 8o ege# :8'8 item%%"3"3 redwood forested campus# :8'8 item%%33;2 $arvey $ouse friends item%%020B segment 4600 1"6" 05 2? 1 0? 1" !3

'an <rancisco 'ympony concerts item%%B!;0 Jacky Bea item%%645! 8aro yn Bruskin @@item%%660? 1"6" 02 to 1"?0 05 a gir named Aatrina @@item%%D!B3 1"6" 02 to 1"?0 11 'ue &eterson item%%!284 an 2sian gir item%%;514 I teach the wa t/. item%%001; Dera d 7ash# >D @@item%%20D< 1"6" 05 01 to 1"6" 0" 01 summer work at $a e Ebservatories# now the 8arnegie Institution sub%item%%14;0 $a e Ebservatories grounds sub%item%%?21" $a e Ebservatories receptionist sub%item%%85D2 $a e Ebservatories so ar department sub%item%%3!;! my summer pro.ect at $a e Ebservatories sub%item%%?DB" Deorge ; ery $a e biography sub%item%%35<! :nc e Bi pu s his weight around. 1"6" 05 2? 1 0? 1" !3 segment 4?00 1"?0 01 31 0 11 23 25

item%%D<02 Dauss $ouse# 8rown 8o ege# :8'8 item%%"4"2 hot tub item%%1B;8 drinks at a bar in 'anta 8ru/ item%%1;?2 8rown 8o ege 2rts and $umanities (ab e# co%founder item%%63"4 short story writing c ass with 8e ine Beonard item%%<4!D 7ico e 2dkins item%%825D run with 'teve 7ay or item%%6322 >ary 2nn 7o in item%%"!3! senior thesis with Deorge B umentha item%%1?"< 2"th birthday party item%%236; argument with 'tan ey < atte over departmenta ab re+uirement 1"?0 01 31 0 11 23 25 segment 4"00 1"?0 0" 04 0 02 25 !?

item%%D";8 graduation ceremony and the 8rown 8o ege 'ervice 2ward @@item%%52?6 1"?0 05 to 1"?0 0? 31 summer work at 8a tech radio astronomy department item%%3526 Internationa : travio et ;-p orer sate ite persona debac e ended by Jesse Dreenstein item%%B2"5 other 8a tech summer work item%%!620

meeting Budina De bruck item%%!446 Budina De bruck item%%032? >annie De bruck invites me to the De bruck home item%%8?14 picnic unch at the De brucks item%%B158 impact of the word De bruck at 8a tech item%%D02? ;rnie >a amud item%%B08B Jon Jerison says that Darry Bruack9s death had been a suicide. item%%<6<! Aenneth James Batek9s first heart attack item%%45D6 2riah Aoenig item%%;;32 7ancy Doo itt e item%%?041 James &ayne item%%<60" $a e Ebservatories so ar paper pub ished item%%8"?3 tour of 8a tech for fami y and a friend item%%863; a young man from ;thiopia item%%6320 2me ia 'argent item%%515! <rancoise < eurieuitem%%"B1" &asadena 'choo of Ba et c asses

item%%?183 $erb 3iebe9s group therapy item%%0348 goodbye ca to <rancoise < eurieu@@item%%"4"1 1"?0 0" 01 to 1"?0 10 31 attended Ca e9s graduate schoo in astronomy sub%item%%0D?2 I went off medication when I was sti a student in residence at :8'8 1"?0 0" 04 0 02 25 !? item%%4625 8e este Berg item%%131B ste ar popu ations and ga actic dynamics with 8hris Aing and Janet Canamaka# and genera re ativity item%%D48; first prob em# ste ar popu ations item%%2<6; first prob em# ga actic dynamics item%%?658 did itt e reading in astronomy item%%B024 taught a section of introductory astronomy and represented astronomy in graduate student senate 1"?0 0" 05 0 05 25 24 item%%!6D! Danie a Dane i item%%83<? psychiatrist 2ndrea Aaufmann 1"?0 0" 0? 0 10 2! !0 segment !002 1"?0 0" 10 1 02 2! 15 segment !001 1"?0 0" 0? 0 10 2! !0 segment !000 1"?1 04 0? 1 0! 30 30

item%%02D" I ie to Danie a Dane i that I on y want to be a department chair some day. 1"?0 0" 10 1 02 2! 15 segment !003 1"?0 0" 12 1 05 24 42

item%%6<44 I find the error in a b ackboard of another graduate student9s work. 1"?0 0" 12 1 05 24 42 segment !004 1"?0 0" 14 1 10 24 0?

item%%2110 Bob Linn doesn9t hear my correct answer to a +uestion. 1"?0 0" 14 1 10 24 0? segment !00! 1"?0 0" 16 0 02 23 34

item%%<520 I point out something that =ichard Barson missed. 1"?0 0" 16 0 02 23 34 item%%<B<2 genera re ativity 1"?0 0" 1" 0 05 23 00 segment !006 1"?0 0" 21 1 10 22 25 segment !005 1"?0 0" 1" 0 05 23 00

item%%6!D! 2stronomy Department reception at A ine Bio ogy (ower. 1"?0 0" 21 1 10 22 25 segment !00? 1"?0 0" 23 1 02 21 !3

item%%D?;? 2stronomy Department goes to 7ap e9s &i//a for unch. 1"?0 0" 23 1 02 21 !3 segment !00" 1"?0 0" 2! 1 05 21 1"

item%%0!"B & aying guitar in a deserted 2stronomy Department ha way one night. 1"?0 0" 2! 1 05 21 1" segment !010 1"?0 0" 26 1 10 20 4!

item%%342D 2bandoned a gir on a bicyc e trip to 3est =ock &ark. I appear at her door naked. 1"?0 0" 26 1 10 20 4! item%%D!?B Esiris# first incident 1"?0 0" 30 0 02 20 11 item%%64D1 psychotic re apse item%%?46D segment !012 1"?0 10 02 0 05 1" 36 segment !011 1"?0 0" 30 0 02 20 11

a ca from the Ca e po ice item%%"B<1 &ame a ;dmonds 1"?0 10 02 0 05 1" 36 segment !013 1"?0 10 04 0 10 1" 03

item%%0;D2 Dreek restaurant# &ame a ;dmonds item%%<1;3 app e picking with &ame a ;dmonds 1"?0 10 04 0 10 1" 03 segment !014 1"?0 10 05 1 02 1? 2"

item%%05<" &ame a ;dmonds resents my e itism. 1"?0 10 05 1 02 1? 2" segment !01! 1"?0 10 0? 1 05 16 !!

item%%2612 &ame a ;dmonds cooks artichokes. item%%<!?< &ame a ;dmonds and I attend church on the 7ew $aven Dreen. 1"?0 10 0? 1 05 16 !! segment !015 1"?0 10 10 1 10 16 22

item%%18!6 I demonstrate vio ence to &ame a ;dmonds. 1"?0 10 10 1 10 16 22 1"?0 10 13 0 02 15 4? 1"?0 10 1! 0 05 15 14 segment !016 segment !01? segment !01" 1"?0 10 13 0 02 15 4? 1"?0 10 1! 0 05 15 14 1"?0 10 16 0 10 1! 40

item%%<2D8 second admission to Ca e $ea th & an inpatient unit item%%2?43 $ea th & an emp oyee aughs uproarious y at my stated intention to become &resident of Ca e. 1"?0 10 16 0 10 1! 40 segment !020 1"?0 10 1" 1 02 1! 05

item%%6<88 >y psychiatrist# 2ndrea Aaufmann# convinces me to take a eave instead of +uitting schoo . 1"?0 10 1" 1 02 1! 05 segment !021 1"?0 10 21 1 05 14 32

1"?0 10 21 1 05 14 32 1"?0 10 23 1 10 13 !? 1"?0 10 25 0 02 13 24 1"?0 10 2? 0 05 12 !1 1"?0 10 30 0 10 12 16

segment !022 segment !023 segment !024 segment !02! segment !025

1"?0 10 23 1 10 13 !? 1"?0 10 25 0 02 13 24 1"?0 10 2? 0 05 12 !1 1"?0 10 30 0 10 12 16 1"?0 11 01 1 02 11 43

item%%2D<< Jane and Bisa Batek f y out to take me back to 8a ifornia. item%%18<1 < y to Bos 2nge es. item%%188< begin a one%month stay at Ing eside >enta $ea th 8enter in Bos 2nge es 1"?0 11 01 1 02 11 43 item%%2!4< dance therapy 1"?0 11 03 1 05 11 0" 1"?0 11 0! 1 10 10 3! 1"?0 11 0? 0 02 10 01 1"?0 11 10 0 05 0" 26 1"?0 11 12 0 10 0? !3 1"?0 11 14 1 02 0? 1" 1"?0 11 15 1 05 06 45 1"?0 11 1? 1 10 06 12 1"?0 11 21 0 02 05 3? 1"?0 11 23 0 05 05 04 1"?0 11 2! 0 10 0! 30 1"?0 11 26 1 02 04 !5 segment !02? segment !02" segment !030 segment !031 segment !032 segment !033 segment !034 segment !03! segment !035 segment !036 segment !03? segment !03" 1"?0 11 0! 1 10 10 3! 1"?0 11 0? 0 02 10 01 1"?0 11 10 0 05 0" 26 1"?0 11 12 0 10 0? !3 1"?0 11 14 1 02 0? 1" 1"?0 11 15 1 05 06 45 1"?0 11 1? 1 10 06 12 1"?0 11 21 0 02 05 3? 1"?0 11 23 0 05 05 04 1"?0 11 2! 0 10 0! 30 1"?0 11 26 1 02 04 !5 1"?0 11 2" 1 05 04 22 segment !026 1"?0 11 03 1 05 11 0"

item%%56<8 Jonanne >i igan 1"?0 11 2" 1 05 04 22 segment !040 1"?0 12 01 1 10 03 4?

item%%21!< Ing eside denies me one month stay I was entit ed to. item%%20"3 trip to :8'8 with (erry Brown 1"?0 12 01 1 10 03 4? 1"?0 12 04 0 02 03 1! segment !041 segment !042 1"?0 12 04 0 02 03 1! 1"?0 12 05 0 05 02 41

item%%8B01 five day stay with Jonanne >i igan in Bos 2nge es item%%16<; Jonanne >i igan driving drunk on the e-pressway item%%2680 soup for Jonanne >i igan item%%14;2 a g amorous photo of Jonanne >i igan 1"?0 12 05 0 05 02 41 1"?0 12 0? 0 10 02 06 segment !043 segment !044 1"?0 12 0? 0 10 02 06 1"?0 12 10 1 02 01 33

item%%6!"B I do damage to Jonanne >i igan9s apartment. item%%264D ive with Jane and Bisa Batek 1"?0 12 10 1 02 01 33 1"?0 12 12 1 05 00 !" 1"?0 12 14 1 10 00 2! 1"?0 12 16 0 01 !" !1 1"?0 12 1" 0 0! !" 16 1"?0 12 21 0 0" !? 43 segment !04! segment !045 segment !046 segment !04? segment !04" segment !0!0 1"?0 12 12 1 05 00 !" 1"?0 12 14 1 10 00 2! 1"?0 12 16 0 01 !" !1 1"?0 12 1" 0 0! !" 16 1"?0 12 21 0 0" !? 43 1"?0 12 23 1 01 !? 10

1"?0 12 23 1 01 !? 10 1"?0 12 2! 1 0! !6 35 1"?0 12 26 1 0" !6 02 1"?0 12 30 0 01 !5 2? 1"?1 01 01 0 0! !! !4 item%%151< move in with Betty 3i t

segment !0!1 segment !0!2 segment !0!3 segment !0!4 segment !0!!

1"?0 12 2! 1 0! !6 35 1"?0 12 26 1 0" !6 02 1"?0 12 30 0 01 !5 2? 1"?1 01 01 0 0! !! !4 1"?1 01 03 0 0" !! 20

item%%42<< Bi 3i t rabid over my moving in with Betty 3i t 1"?1 01 03 0 0" !! 20 segment !0!5 1"?1 01 0! 1 01 !4 45

item%%B"26 Esiris ana og with Betty and Bi 3i t 1"?1 01 0! 1 01 !4 45 segment !0!6 1"?1 01 06 1 0! !4 12

item%%;B43 my poetry book prepared on Betty 3i t9s typewriter item%%2?B; Betty 3i t and f esh item%%2025 Betty 3i t on =obert 3i t item%%3822 Betty 3i t on condition of bi s 1"?1 01 06 1 0! !4 12 1"?1 01 0" 1 0" !3 3" segment !0!? segment !0!" 1"?1 01 0" 1 0" !3 3" 1"?1 01 12 0 01 !3 0!

item%%255< move into house in 8 aremont# 82 1"?1 01 12 0 01 !3 0! segment !050 1"?1 01 14 0 0! !2 31

item%%"<<2 start .ob as gardener at 8 aremont 8o eges 1"?1 01 14 0 0! !2 31 segment !051 1"?1 01 15 0 0" !1 !6

1"?1 01 15 0 0" !1 !6 1"?1 01 1? 1 01 !1 23

segment !052 segment !053

1"?1 01 1? 1 01 !1 23 1"?1 01 20 1 0! !0 4"

item%%D60? inauguration of &resident =ona d =eagan 1"?1 01 20 1 0! !0 4" segment !054 1"?1 01 22 1 0" !0 1!

item%%2228 ecture by student of student of the yogi# 'ri 2urobindo 1"?1 01 22 1 0" !0 1! segment !05! 1"?1 01 2! 0 01 4" 41

item%%"!;< fired from .ob at 8 aremont 8o eges 1"?1 01 2! 0 01 4" 41 segment !055 1"?1 01 26 0 0! 4" 0?

item%%B"50 e-tended conversation with student of the yogi# 'ri 2urobindo item%%B<?" Bi 3i t throws me to the dogs. 1"?1 01 26 0 0! 4" 0? item%%!11< home ess for the first time item%%2250 Bi 3i t shuts me out. 1"?1 01 2" 0 0" 4? 34 segment !05? 1"?1 01 31 1 01 4? 00 segment !056 1"?1 01 2" 0 0" 4? 34

item%%542! Budina De bruck at 8 aremont 8o eges item%%!DD8 8 aremont &ub ic Bibrary c eaning ady item%%?81? gestures between two ife forms item%%8;?4 se- heard 1"?1 01 31 1 01 4? 00 segment !05" 1"?1 02 02 1 0! 46 25

item%%6?82 I utter# 0I ove the earth0 to some p ants in 8 aremont. item%%1!28 initiation 1"?1 02 02 1 0! 46 25 segment !060 1"?1 02 04 1 0" 45 !2

item%%2<22 answered Barbara =ovira9s ad for a ranch hand item%%6433 I wa k to the 'an Bernardino >ountains. item%%<<<8 work on ca endar%%0so y terre0 item%%"815 Ja ey of ;nchantment item%%2BD4 Barbara =ovira hires me. item%%5D4< >organ horses item%%!83" instruction in riding and grooming horses# I ride a mare named 'o itaire. item%%!111 hard work item%%6341 carrots in honey for 'o itaire before bed item%%?B;" dream of E ympics and dressage item%%828? I +uit the ranch .ob for ack of enough to eat. 1"?1 02 04 1 0" 45 !2 1"?1 02 06 0 01 45 1? 1"?1 02 0" 0 0! 4! 44 1"?1 02 11 0 0" 4! 10 segment !061 segment !062 segment !063 segment !064 1"?1 02 06 0 01 45 1? 1"?1 02 0" 0 0! 4! 44 1"?1 02 11 0 0" 4! 10 1"?1 02 13 1 01 44 36

item%%25B1 Jonanne >i igan says# 0Cou9re c assica . I9m popu ar.0 item%%D062 <reeman 'treet item%%B81" 8ircus Jargas hires me as a horse hand er. 1"?1 02 13 1 01 44 36 segment !06! 1"?1 02 1! 1 0! 44 03

item%%<?80 2 gang of men menace me and force me to +uit my 8ircus Jargas .ob. 8ontainment transition begins. 1"?1 02 1! 1 0! 44 03 1"?1 02 16 1 0" 43 2" 1"?1 02 20 0 01 42 !! segment !065 segment !066 segment !06? 1"?1 02 16 1 0" 43 2" 1"?1 02 20 0 01 42 !! 1"?1 02 22 0 0! 42 21

item%%04;" I +uit my .ob with 8ircus Jargas. 1"?1 02 22 0 0! 42 21 1"?1 02 24 0 0" 41 46 item%%5?;; I head 7orth. item%%D868 precession e-periment item%%6462 ride with a gang guy item%%42!2 dip in the ocean in 'anta 8ru/# 82 1"?1 02 25 1 01 41 13 item%%0B<? food pantry item%%2B1B re iving Magister Ludi item%%2B41 my first vision segment !0?1 1"?1 02 2? 1 0! 40 3" segment !06" segment !0?0 1"?1 02 24 0 0" 41 46 1"?1 02 25 1 01 41 13

1"?1 02 2? 1 0! 40 3" item%%!DD< >i arepa 1"?1 03 02 1 0" 40 0! 1"?1 03 0! 0 01 3" 32 1"?1 03 06 0 0! 3? !? 1"?1 03 0" 0 0" 3? 24 1"?1 03 11 1 01 36 !0 1"?1 03 13 1 0! 36 15 1"?1 03 1! 1 0" 35 42 1"?1 03 1? 0 01 35 0? 1"?1 03 20 0 0! 3! 34 1"?1 03 22 0 0" 3! 01 1"?1 03 24 1 01 34 26 1"?1 03 25 1 0! 33 !3 1"?1 03 2? 1 0" 33 1" 1"?1 03 31 0 01 32 4! 1"?1 04 02 0 0! 32 11 1"?1 04 04 0 0" 31 36 1"?1 04 05 1 01 31 03 item%%!2<1 Beda and the swan# reversed 1"?1 04 0? 1 0! 30 30

segment !0?2

1"?1 03 02 1 0" 40 0!

segment !0?3 segment !0?4 segment !0?! segment !0?5 segment !0?6 segment !0?? segment !0?" segment !0"0 segment !0"1 segment !0"2 segment !0"3 segment !0"4 segment !0"! segment !0"5 segment !0"6 segment !0"? segment !0""

1"?1 03 0! 0 01 3" 32 1"?1 03 06 0 0! 3? !? 1"?1 03 0" 0 0" 3? 24 1"?1 03 11 1 01 36 !0 1"?1 03 13 1 0! 36 15 1"?1 03 1! 1 0" 35 42 1"?1 03 1? 0 01 35 0? 1"?1 03 20 0 0! 3! 34 1"?1 03 22 0 0" 3! 01 1"?1 03 24 1 01 34 26 1"?1 03 25 1 0! 33 !3 1"?1 03 2? 1 0" 33 1" 1"?1 03 31 0 01 32 4! 1"?1 04 02 0 0! 32 11 1"?1 04 04 0 0" 31 36 1"?1 04 05 1 01 31 03 1"?1 04 0? 1 0! 30 30

segment !100

1"?1 11 11 0 0? 34 03

item%%;304 camp beside a creek in 'anta 8ru/ mountains item%%2?<8

Birds seem to predict an earth+uake. item%%"D16 I deve op a defense against mu tip e attackers. item%%"5DD fight with five attackers item%%B;02 0earth+uake 2merica0 painted on side of car# four b oodhounds on roof item%%58"" an earth+uake reported in the newspaper item%%62;2 sighting of one of my five attackers item%%8!D; =ussian coup e item%%822B Jictoria Dod y item%%2!4? Aitten from a wi d den item%%6;11 g amour of Jesus item%%!6"" foodstamps item%%218! &au a and 2 e-andra 'ens item%%0566 spi ed coffee on desk at 8o ege <ive# :8'8 item%%6?28 stay at 'anta 8ru/ 8ounty >enta $ea th 8enter item%%!2D< suspicions about a god% ike young man item%%<1?4 >i arepa item%%21?6 the writings of 2 ice 2nn Bai ey

item%%8?84 I offer my martia arts services to po ice. (hey dec ine. item%%2888 sighting of Jerry 7ash# >D item%%!;3D 8apito a Ji age# 82 item%%?442 very young gir in the window ate at night waves at me after I masturbate on park grounds item%%!6;B state champion heaviweight wrest er on beach in 8apito a Ji age item%%4380 cruising with wrest er item%%226! po ice in 8apito a Ji age item%%D!<2 po ice treat me at >cDona ds item%%32?8 hobo or trampF Both are bums. item%%4;22 freight train to 'anta Barbara# 82. Do to 7ew $aven# 8(. @@item%%060< 1"?1 10 to 1"?2 06 four egitimate p aces stayed at in 7ew $aven%%the ne-t four items item%%3D6< >arione >a aguena 8obb item%%B43B the home of a young b ack gir item%%82D3 8o umbus $ouse item%%6!52 a she ter in a church in the <air $aven section of 7ew $aven item%%;?22 2ndrea Aaufmann ies about my eave of absence from Ca e. ;nd of containment transition of b ack ist.

item%%!B04 artists9 mode item%%5!D! artists mode at Ca e 1"?1 11 11 0 0? 34 03 segment !200 1"?2 05 1! 1 11 36 3!

item%%8503 seek emp oyment in Botswana or 8ameroons item%%1?!? announce at Bate 8hape a =ichter 'ca e 10 earth+uake prediciton item%%B560 :8'8 B2 awarded item%%<212 $a e Ebservatories offers me summer .ob. item%%505? $a e Ebservatories ca the po ice on me. item%%0312 a ong etter to Aenneth James Batek# cc to Jane Batek item%%3023 ong wa k up a hi in Berke ey# 82 item%%?"28 sighting of 'he ey $ampton%(urner item%%!!05 red s eeping bag item%%1<55 modern art ga ery item%%4!62 interview with 8har es (ownes item%%?"52 2kashic =ecord item%%?052 post office bo- app ication as James >earthie 1"?2 05 1! 1 11 36 3! segment !300 1"?3 01 1? 1 02 41 06

item%%!023 errant episode in Eak and# 82 item%%D1"3 2rmy 7avy surp us store purchases item%%4<D! stay with brother# Dave item%%!2"? drawings done at the home of my brother Dave item%%138" 2 voice advises me to consu t with the I 8hing every sunup and sundown. item%%DD!D 8heyenne# 3C @@item%%2684 1"?2 11 to 1"?4 06 circ ed three times around 7ew Cork 8ity# 7ew $aven# and Boston item%%4228 7ew Cork 8ity item%%;1D2 7ew $aven item%%D82D bu etin at Ca e Baw 'choo about !!0 monarchies in the :.'. 1"?3 01 1? 1 02 41 06 segment !400 1"?3 0? 23 0 0! 44 40

item%%!1<? artists9 mode in 8ambridge# >2. to d hust ing is e-pected. item%%;?88 my mastery as an artists9 mode in 8ambridge item%%<BD8 first attractive b ack fema e 1"?3 0? 23 0 0! 44 40 segment !!00 1"?4 03 25 1 0? 4? 12

item%%B2;" two speeches in 7ew Cork 8ity about ha/ard item%%2050

fights ost and won in 7ew Cork 8ity >en9s 'he ter item%%48;3 p ay piano for function at 7ew Cork :niversity 8atho ic 8enter item%%<D?0 2rcane 'choo # 7ew Cork 8ity item%%33!! 2 ice Bai ey9s 8ompi ation on 'e-# sto en and paid for item%%<"15 In a bookstore I see an aura emerge from me in front of a copy of Aha i Dibran9s The Prophet. item%%3201 suicide attempt behind 7ew Cork :niversity ibrary item%%6324 puppy item%%D35" I eap in the air in anger because I be ieve I am being b ack isted. I am hitchhiking out of 7C8. item%%60DD drawing of the five item%%4812 drawing of i and . item%%226< a character set for base three. Batek Binary of Batek Binary item%%242" differing we comes by Ca e po ice and Ca e 2 umni $ouse item%%8364 masturbate on p atform of a tar at a <airhaven# 8( ;piscopa 8hurch item%%2222 masturbate on tab e in ibrary of 'i iman 8o ege# Ca e item%%<1B; she ter covert y sponsored byCa e item%%?335 martia arts demonstrative at Ca e she ter item%%;6<6 8o umbus $ouse and my own base ten character set

item%%BD81 to d to eave by .udge. return by p ane much ater than this entry 1"?4 03 25 1 0? 4? 12 segment !500 1"?4 10 2" 0 11 !1 4!

item%%3"?B coming into Boston and the matter of the I 8hing item%%"??2 masturbated in the gutter of a street in downtown Boston item%%2<5? meet 2nn $artmere in 8ambridge &ub ic Bibrary. 'he remembers me by name. item%%;866 admitted to psych ward of 8ambridge $ospita item%%;;<B &roposa of marriage to $o y <riedman is accepted. item%%?508 chat with 'hauna Brim ey item%%8;DD discharged from 8ambridge $ospita # spent 12 days in three she ters in Boston area @@item%%40;B 1"?4 06 to 1"?5 01 guest at &arker 'treet 'he ter on 'taniford 'treet in Boston 1"?4 10 2" 0 11 !1 4! item%%B5D1 Baura Dinerstein# >D item%%"<;? etters to my father from &arker 'treet 'he ter# Boston item%%D"8" =andom noise# on four vertica strokes among many I make on a book# forms the word 0ti t.0 item%%!235 'u/anne ;stes 'haw item%%D?!; I announce into the men9s section at the she ter# 0>i itary present.0 item%%B6B6 segment !600 1"?! 05 03 0 02 !! 16

I p ay a game of chess with Bob# another she ter resident# in the upstairs day program. item%%45!" =egina d 8arter 1"?! 05 03 0 02 !! 16 segment !?00 1"?5 01 0! 1 0! !? 4"

item%%;285 artists9 mode for a fema e c ass at 8ambridge 2du t ;ducation 8enter item%%;!<! passed >ar.orie Darber on the street at $arvard item%%83;0 2 gir at the she ter has a tiff with me# then ater manages to invite me out. I dec ine. item%%2<2< Irving Ains ey and I see (he 8o or &urp e. item%%?D6B I suggest the 8atho ic 8hurch shou d consider a home ess peop e for sainthood. item%%08D" >y father visits me in Boston. 1"?5 01 0! 1 0! !? 4" segment !"00 1"?5 0? 10 0 0" 02 22

item%%B505 eave &arker 'treet 'he ter and go to ive with Jane Batek item%%D822 ambush by federa emp oyee at 'ocia 'ecurity office item%%!<10 conversation with &rofessor Desai at :8 =iverside physics department item%%2;1B I buy a 7ishiki 1?%speed bicyc e. item%%1;2B dinner with Budina De bruck in =iverside# 82 item%%D?11 7ishiki 1?%speed road bike item%%6BD8 dispute with Bisa Batek eads to vio ence 1"?5 0? 10 0 0" 02 22 segment 5000 1"?6 03 1! 0 00 0! !4

item%%B!;4 I write to Aenneth James Batek that Jane Batek is regressing. item%%225" Jane Batek gets brain cancer. item%%1??1 Jane Batek dies of brain cancer. I move to 'an Diego area. item%%<<58 iving on Buena Jista in 'antee# 82 item%%;B4? ro ode-es and B ack =ussians# and a $arvard a umnus item%%2DD" p ayer piano# 2u d Bang 'yne item%%8;<B very ight p ane item%%D3!! sportsman item%%D104 gir in house item%%"B?B owner gay item%%238? c ean patio wa item%%2552 cooking potatoes# a g a/e item%%08?! bank checks simp e item%%8142 Ca e Banner item%%15;< te ephone ca s to architects and 8athy Buginbi . Better proposing marriage to ; en 3eiss# dec ined. item%%2415 c ash with .ogger using bike ane

item%%""51 ink to unusua bicyc ing e-perience in 'antee item%%?22B 2rby9s restaurant item%%<232 humming aria from Madama Butterfly item%%08;5 paranoia at aundromat item%%2"!5 a pub ic agency meeting item%%"4?3 post office bo- in 'antee item%%!B0B sma airport item%%4;1B racia y po ari/ed words for a b ack fe ow item%%2"4; eave 'antee. go to Boston item%%;!11 1"?5 12 carrying duff e ike ant carries big oads item%%4<2? mi itary convoy# 8ambridge $ospita # hospita in 3a tham item%%6462 1"?5 12 go to stay with brother# Dave item%%0!26 1"?6 02 app y to II( schoo of architecture graduate program 1"?6 03 1! 0 00 0! !4 segment 5100 1"?6 10 16 1 03 0" 25

item%%B;B2 1"?6 04 II( accepts my app ication. no financia aid. wi enter in one year# with oan# stay a year with Dave item%%DD35

1"?6 0" Du&age (rust approves oan for schoo 1"?6 10 16 1 03 0" 25 segment 5200 1"?? 0! 21 0 05 12 !"

item%%3<5" stay a year with Dave# getting 'ocia 'ecurity Disabi ity item%%!6!D Jane 7icho s 1"?? 0! 21 0 05 12 !" segment 5300 1"?? 12 23 1 0" 15 31

item%%?<34 moved to II( from D en ; yn# IB @@item%%2D<< 1"?? 0" to 1""1 05 attended II( graduate schoo of architecture item%%2??< roommate Jung 'uk Aim# then >r. &ark item%%2B26 write ?0 page poem# Assem le a !roup of the "ight Writers item%%1;3< <rank &ieri# >D item%%8!BD my c assmates at II( item%%;5;4 &eter Be temacchi9s design studio item%%B555 I# the physicist item%%D5;; 2 fred 'wenson9s stuctures c ass item%%2055 camera item%%2D24 movies at $ermann $a 1"?? 12 23 1 0" 15 31 segment 5400 1"?" 06 2? 1 00 20 04

item%%!12B 'econd semester of first year I start coming into 8rown ear y each morning. item%%4DD! attended 20 year reunion of D enbard 3est $igh 'choo c ass of 1"5" item%%0B!1 summer work fo owing first year at II( 1"?" 06 2? 1 00 20 04 segment 5!00 1""0 03 02 0 03 23 35

@@item%%2!D3 1"?" 0" to 1""0 05 second year at II( architecture graduate schoo sub%item%%428D &ao 8hi 8hang9s design studio opening assignment) a weekend house. sub%item%%""11 &ao 8hi 8hang9s design studio first semester assignment) a three story office bui ding. item%%<;22 I use Batek Binary in &ao 8hi9s design studio# as her suggestion. item%%;253 Aorean student mistaken y says I created my own anguage# a though actua y I did. item%%<621 research cryptography in Da vin Bibrary at II( item%%D"84 1"?" 12 06 etter to 'oviet ambassador. within one week =umania9s president assassinated# 'oviet :nion to fa . item%%??!4 served as residence ha representative to II( security committee item%%56?; &ao 8hi 8hang9s design studio second semester assignment) apartmentes particu iers. item%%5<;3 (hora $aggarty item%%B<1B city p anning with &eter Be temacchi# who says of one of my pro.ects# 0ahhhI Jintage BatekI0 item%%B;43 I make a habit of wa king around to everyone9s tab e in design studio.

item%%"!4" I watch a video of a speech by &rince 8har es to the 2I2 in 3ashington D.8. item%%?5<B keeping the p ace +uiet item%%42DD 2 fred 8a dwe may have been responsib e for II( giving me the shaft. &ay back ca ed for. item%%6642 &eter Band item%%3D;B Esiris# second occurrence 1""0 03 02 0 03 23 35 segment 5500 1""0 10 04 1 05 26 0?

@@item%%0;<< 1""0 0" to 1""1 05 third year of II( architecture graduate schoo . II( oan debac e. must eave schoo at end of year. item%%?";8 master9s degree thesis advisor) &eter Be temacchi. pro.ect) redesign 't. &eter9s. 1""0 10 04 1 05 26 0? item%%!223 Janet 8hen 1""1 0! 0" 0 0" 30 41 segment 5?00 1""1 12 12 0 00 34 13 segment 5600 1""1 0! 0" 0 0" 30 41

@@item%%;22< 1""1 05 01 to 1""3 05 ived on corner of Dunnison and =ockwe in 8hicago sub%item%%8""1 records in a four by four grid in bedroom sub%item%%238; use f oor of kitchen and iving room to shuff e ? 112 - 11 sheets sub%item%%!<3; patro property for owner# &eter Bee sub%item%%00BD ca ing for emp oyment%%fre+uency step down for ost pace sib%item%%421"

ast communication with Bi Aeck item%%!;01 death and funera of James Jacob Batek item%%5?D; attract ga/e of group of ten gir s in Burger Aing on entrance# sit down near them 1""1 12 12 0 00 34 13 segment 5"00 1""2 06 1! 1 03 36 4!

item%%DB?! I read a 54 he-agrams of the I 8hing in random order. 1""2 06 1! 1 03 36 4! segment 6000 1""3 02 16 0 05 41 1?

item%%623" 1""3 02 to 1""3 06 two weeks out of every month no food# for si- months 1""3 02 16 0 05 41 1? item%%34;2 1""3 06 go home ess item%%0B2< &acific Darden >ission item%%"38B insurance verse item%%6<4? 'a vation 2rmy staff tacit y acknow edges the who e '2 opeation is a sham item%%!BDD I see on a bui ding the same fire that >oses saw on a bush. item%%20D8 commotion at physica hospita ) I issue a sort of 0code 10 item%%22?! Ita ian man at >adden# a patient# says to me# 0Just put on twenty poundsM you9 be first.0 item%%?5!5 >uch ater I random y draw the initia s I&BI to indicate the identity of the Ita ian man# above. item%%"624 body bui der segment 6100 1""3 0" 21 1 0" 44 !0

item%%<!0; I e-perience an s in time whi e ta king to a po iceman at >adden# a patient. item%%!2?B >ary 2nn Benes item%%2?12 .udgment of my work) art therapy# BJ item%%6B6D commentary on :nc e Bi and work item%%BB?" BI and BJ item%%<""2 >ary $anes and ;rin item%%32"; John Aie basa item%%?4<? genera an-iety# atypica item%%BB!5 running outside item%%"382 8herry item%%!4;3 finding a home for me item%%?D;; f owers 1""3 0" 21 1 0" 44 !0 item%%D!BB si-th f oor# Bryn >awr 8are item%%8<B6 John E98onnor and homose-ua ity item%%12;1 David 'paudi item%%2682 e evator operator segment 6200 1""4 04 25 1 00 4? 23

item%%512< Jenny Casi o# 8aro Best item%%1"<3 oi painting item%%4D5" 2rt Institute of 8hicago donation of G1!0 1""4 04 25 1 00 4? 23 segment 6300 1""4 11 2" 0 03 !1 !!

item%%;10; ;piscopa 8hurch of the 2tonement @@item%%"<5< 1""4 0" to 1""5 0? emp oyment by $arro d $. $ayden 1""4 11 2" 0 03 !1 !! item%%5250 !630 7. 'heridan item%%5B;1 Intramark moves into >erchandise >art item%%D356 Birmingham convention center item%%00?! I88# 7;8 item%%!1D6 3ashington trip item%%<66< $arro d9s brother9s wife item%%42"? $arro d a descendant of the composer $ayden item%%022B document about my ife item%%836D 8aro yn Bowyer item%%8?;2 segment 6400 1""! 06 03 1 05 !! 26

distraction with a minor item%%4;6B >arion 'mith 1""! 06 03 1 05 !! 26 segment 6!00 1""5 02 0! 0 0" !" 00

item%%D6"2 two orgasms in five minutes# masturbating item%%1"14 persona ity game for fami y# Aenneth Batek doesn9t ike it. 1""5 02 0! 0 0" !" 00 segment 6500 1""5 0" 0" 0 01 02 32

item%%6548 <ather =ice not he pfu when I am fired 1""5 0" 0" 0 01 02 32 segment 6600 1""6 04 13 1 04 05 04

item%%56<! ;-hibit of oi s at (ruman 8o ege item%%28;2 I owe 'ocia 'ecurity for e-cess payments. item%%D6?; b ackboard item%%;D8? barbe s item%%D48B Batek Binary se- act item%%0<?6 unearth y dread becoming home ess item%%0"B" hitchhiking on e-pressway item%%?<!; station wagon driver sheds a tear item%%012< supercomputer item%%18B0 Derman ride describes how a house of po ygamy wou d work.

item%%0"08 hitch on 8anadian property item%%<00? Ji ;ngher ,spF* item%%<?!6 assai ant and accessory item%%03B? frostbitten toes item%%2"?? (oes come back in disformed. item%%D2?" =ooseve t $ote she ter item%%5;0" B3> item%%41!< carpenter friend item%%1!53 gift of a te evision item%%"8<" comp etion of base si-teen in my own characters item%%3518 two soup kitchens item%%650? Detroit pub ic ibrary item%%<613 I hack into ibrary computer. =aises a ruckus. item%%8B33 digita watch item%%?B!" :niversity of >ichigan students 1""6 04 13 1 04 05 04 item%%12<? segment 6?00 1""6 11 15 0 06 0" 36

=ooseve t discharges me. >ake connection with strangers who oan me a good bicyc e. item%%!5B8 egend in =oya Eak# >I item%%0<;4 fa as eep item%%;3D1 =oya Eak shop worker not in item%%3B"? =oya Eak psychiatric she ters item%%552" =oya Eak home ess she ter item%%8D5? =oya Eak Baptist church item%%818? =oya Eak >ethodist church item%%!522 =oya Eak pub ic ibrary item%%<25< 8/echos ovakian .acket item%%<B!8 2 woman9s face remembered forever item%%1;D8 a .acket item%%445B 02re you safeF0 item%%D4<0 cup of coffee in a doorway item%%!1?3 po icewoman item%%8432 chess in =oya Eak item%%12<5 she ter ike a home in &ontiac

item%%"6!3 &ontiac she ter item%%!B;5 .ob at 2rby9s item%%633" psychiatric assessment in &ontiac item%%<6D< tarantu a in ibrary item%%;6"! red ight vio ation item%%3862 super si/ed 8oke from po ice item%%060< Detroit Bions item%%B286 eave &ontiac item%%2?"B wa k from &ontiac to =oya Eak item%%B5D4 scabbies item%%014! baton in gut 1""6 11 15 0 06 0" 36 segment 6"00 1""? 05 20 1 10 13 0"

item%%D052 8hurch gives me bus ticket to return to 8hicago. item%%?BD? $arro d $ayden gets me temporary she ter. item%%?84" 8hinese consu ate item%%6;46 return to ive at Bryn >awr 8are 1""? 05 20 1 10 13 0" segment ?000 1""" 01 23 1 01 15 41

1""" 01 23 1 01 15 41

segment ?100

1""" 0? 2? 0 04 20 14

item%%2224 >y father# Aenneth James Batek# dies. 1""" 0? 2? 0 04 20 14 segment ?200 2000 04 01 1 06 23 45

@@item%%BD2! 1""" 0" to 2003 03 computer# a poem a day for 3 112 years item%%2<10 photo en argement business 2000 04 01 1 06 23 45 2000 11 04 0 10 26 1" item%%B058 Bunny Bickerman item%%262" Irma $owe item%%<2?5 3endy 'pino Eff 2001 05 0" 0 01 30 !1 item%%?;62 3or d (rade 8enter attacks @@item%%6!33 2001 0" 11 0 to 2010 0! 02 0 11 23 !6 >afia Aingpin responsibi ities with respect to 3(8 attacks 2002 01 11 1 04 34 23 item%%8421 .udge of e ection 2002 0? 15 0 06 36 !5 2003 03 20 1 10 41 2? @@item%%6<B2 2003 03 to 2005 01 segment ?600 segment ??00 2003 03 20 1 10 41 2? 2003 10 23 1 01 4! 00 segment ?500 2002 0? 15 0 06 36 !5 segment ?!00 2002 01 11 1 04 34 23 segment ?300 segment ?400 2000 11 04 0 10 26 1" 2001 05 0" 0 01 30 !1

2003 10 23 1 01 4! 00

segment ?"00

2004 0! 26 0 04 4? 33

item%%<23! origin of po icy of not ta king to gays 2004 0! 26 0 04 4? 33 item%%!D5; .ourna item%%132; (im $owe# my roommate# and his unacceptab e behavior item%%!D28 0I wish you were more war ike.0 2004 12 2" 1 06 !2 0! item%%<14" 'mi es of a king. 200! 0? 03 0 10 !! 3? segment "200 2005 03 0? 0 01 !" 10 segment "100 200! 0? 03 0 10 !! 3? segment "000 2004 12 2" 1 06 !2 0!

item%%182< 3ebcam video memoir made. 7ine parts tota ing three hours. &ut onto DJD%%about 20 copies. item%%860< &ut my video memoir onto Doog e Jideo. 2005 03 0? 0 01 !" 10 segment "300 2005 10 10 1 0! 02 42

@@item%%1?B6 2005 0? 01 to 2005 11 =epub ican candidate for I inois 'tate =epresentative in the 14th district 2005 10 10 1 0! 02 42 segment "400 2006 0! 1! 0 0? 05 1!

item%%3?08 2006 01 23 0 10 courtship of ten year o d gir # no s eep for si- days 2006 0! 1! 0 0? 05 1! segment "!00 2006 12 16 1 11 0" 46

item%%2!<? show of ink drawings at 'tarbucks item%%<D01 15-15 'udoku so ved# from scratch

item%%?15" more drawings in various 'tarbucks ocations item%%B34? awareness of residents affected 2006 12 16 1 11 0" 46 item%%5?B? Ivory 8o ins item%%68"1 'urgery for a necrotic bowe . 200? 06 21 1 02 13 1" segment "600 200" 02 23 0 0! 15 !2 segment "500 200? 06 21 1 02 13 1"

item%%1<?2 &ub ish spreadsheet with data on some Bryn >awr 8are residents. Bryn >awr 8are cries fou . I insist. item%%3802 8rysta 7ewe item%%012! Byric Epera with 8rysta 7ewe item%%2!<8 I meet 8rysta 7ewe 9s mother# Dracie Barnes item%%D2D3 date with 8rysta 7ewe to &rinters9 =ow# Bahai (emp e item%%1B;2 date with 8rysta 7ewe to Du'ab e >useum# :niversity of 8hicago# II( 200" 02 23 0 0! 15 !2 segment "?00 200" 0" 26 1 0? 20 24

item%%2613 8rysta and the shape of the earth item%%!!?! date with 8rysta 7ewe to Drant &ark >usic <estiva # >i enium &ark 200" 0" 26 1 0? 20 24 segment ""00 2010 0! 02 0 11 23 !6

item%%4883 <rank B oyd 3right9s autobiography) $e was a fighter. item%%12?4

8rysta 7ewe cou d be the /ero gir of a Batek Binary se- act. item%%D;6D 8 ient%authored ;ng ish (ransformation 2rt item%%1524 attended D enbard 3est $igh 'choo c ass of 1"5" 40th reunion item%%0";3 took 8rysta 7ewe to a pub ic observing night at 7orthwestern :niversity9s Dearborn Ebservatory. item%%;212 2010 04 0? first print of Bryn >awr 8are resident budget sheet made item%%0844 2010 04 14 1 02 I show 8hicago9s number one city datum to 8rysta 7ewe after showing her my safe deposit bo-. item%%<43B thoughts of suicide and stay at $argrove $ospita in 8icero# IB

(he segments popu ated by fu commentaries

1"!1 01 0? 1 0! 30 00

segment 0000

1"!1 0? 13 0 0? 33 32

@@item%%2135 1"!1 01 0? 1 0! 30 00 to 1"!4 01 Bived in Berwyn# IB# a heavi y 8/echos ovakian community at the time. (his was after the .oining of 8/echs and ' ovaks into 8/echos ovakia circa 1"00 and before their separation again into the 8/ech =epub ic and ' ovakia in 1""2. sub%item%%<2?3 >y father# Aenneth James Batek# had been instructed by his mother# >arie 'mach Batek# to take up the occupation of adies9 hairdresser. $e did so. (his was probab y right after he was discharged from the 8oast Duard after 3or d 3ar II. It is my understanding that he entered the service a month before what wou d have been his high schoo graduation# and if this is true he never got his high schoo dip oma. $is father# James Jacob Batek# was the superintendant of the >ac7ei >emoria $ospita in Berwyn# a fair y good career considering he on y comp eted the eighth grade of grammar schoo . It must not pass here to eave out a word about the possibi ity that Aenneth Batek ies at the heart of the a eged b ack isting that has eft me menta y i and impoverished. 3hat is certain is that the b ack ist has the po itica identity of unbounded hosti ity to the b ack race. 3hat more perfect opportunity for my father to give an answer to my eaning toward racia ibera ness growing up than by giving me over for hand ing to his underwor d ties with 2merican racism# and this wou d have even gone so far as the internationa cause of racism. (hat wou d have ru ed out an assassination# and it has been a rea mystery to me otherwise that that was never done. Ence the signing over had been done my father must have been more of an impediment from the standpoint of inte igence# and his view of my menta i ness as being comp ete y unre ated to the b ack isting must have been a resu t of this. $is numerous cryptic remarks over the years are c ear indications that he had done something terrib e that bent his mind way out of shape with respect to me. 2 though he is no one to discount in this matter# the forces

he introduced into my ife# under this e-p anation# are outweighed by the forces of internationa racism that entered the picture at my father9s re+uest. sub%item%%B388 >y mother# Jane 3i t Batek# comp eted high schoo and entered the 2rmy nurse corps after her nurse9s training. 'he was a native of the 8 eve and# E$# area and began her training there but at some point took training at $ines $ospita in >aywood# IB# and that is where she met my father# through some mutua friends. 'he served in ;urope in the 2rmy during the war a so. :pon her marriage to my father she took up housekeeping and mothering fu time. <o owing the separation circa 1"5?# which ed to divorce ater# she at some point returned to nursing. sub%item%%426? 2fter the marriage# my parents moved into the basement of my father9s parents9 house in Berwyn. I was the first chi d of five and came home to this house. >y sister 'andra Bee was born second# on December 30# 1"!2# and a so came home to this house. >y brother David 2 en was born on June 1# 1"!!# after we had moved to ; mhurst# IB. >y sister Bisa >arie was a so born when we ived there# on 'eptember 23# 1"!5. 'he contracted pneumonia at age nine months and there was brain damage causing menta retardation and epi epsy. >y sister Binda Bou was born on 'eptember 21# 1"!"# when we had moved from ; mhurst to D en ; yn# IB. sub%item%%058! I have never been married. >y sister 'andra has been married twice. 'he first married James Aaeding and they had two chi dren# Ja erie =enee Aaeding and =ebecca Aaeding Betteridge. =ebecca has two chi dren# Bi y and &hoeni-. 'andra divorced James and married =oger =e iford on the interva 1"?0 to 2005. =oger has been previous y married and has three chi dren of his own# whose names in order are 2manda# Jessica# and 8orissa. 2manda has at east one chi d. >y brother David is in his first marriage to a divorcee# =ita. (hey have no chi dren of their own. =ita has at east one chi d. >y sister Bisa has never been married. 2t the age of nine months she contracted pneumonia# which ed to encepha itis# which caused menta retardation and epi epsy. In my reco ection she was c assed as (>$# or trainab e menta y handicapped# but my brother Dave be ieves she was c assed as ;>$# or educab e menta y handicapped. It is my reco ection that my mother made some attempt at fighting the designation of Bisa as (>$# but fai ed to get it changed to ;>$. >y sister Binda married a man named Aennington# had two chi dren# named 8hrissy and 'hane# and divorced. En the interva 1""5 to 200! she wrote to me and vowed never to communicate with me again and stated that she wanted me never to have any contact with her chi dren. sub%item%%D"26 >y father9s name# Batek# comes from what was then known as 8/echos ovakia# in eastern ;urope. $is mother stated that in better times the fami y owned a shoe manufacturing company there. I have va idated from a chance ac+uaintence of 8/ech birth that there is such a shoe company there# or was. 'ee segment !!00# item D?45 for the fu incident. (he phone book doesn9t ist any Bateks in &rague. I haven9t checked the 3eb e-tensive y on it. >y father9s mother a so stated that her husband9s fami y came to 2merica around 1"00 f eeing what they perceived as imminent takeover by the 8ommunists.

(his may be drummed up from historica y convenient sub.ect matter. 1"00 wou d seem to be a bit too ear y for anyone to know with much certainty that the revo ution was coming. In any case# there doesn9t seem to be any remaining ma.or wea th in this part of the fami y# and no specific fami y record of any sort of past manufacturing history. >y father9s parents have indicated that the Bateks have a tendency to become permanent y a ienated from one another. >y father# when he came to visit me at &arker 'treet 'he ter in Boston# said that when he attended a reunion of his 8oast Duard shipmates in 7ew Er eans there was a booth where fami y trees were for sa e for certain we researched fami ies and he discovered that one of them was Batek. It seems to have documented a ineage that began in the 1200s in 8/echos ovakia or its predecessors. 3hen I was iving in 8ambridge >2 whi e working at (he 2rchitects 8o aborative I saw a notice for a ta k at $arvard about Jan >aseryk# the founder of the merged state of the 8/echs and the 'ovaks. I attended the ta k# which I be ieve took p ace on a ma.or anniversary of the man9s birth. (he anecdota evidence is that James Jacob Batek was born in 1"00 .ust after his fami y arrived in the :nited 'tates and >arie 'mach Batek was born in 8/echos ovakia and came soon after to the :nited 'tates with her fami y. >arie never shared anything with me regarding her ancestors# e-cept some very vague a usions to there being some oddness# or perhaps wi dness# among them. (hese a usions were offerred in the course of discussion of my menta i ness as of 1"64# and its possib e etio ogy. sub%item%%"133 I was to d that my mother9s father# =obert# had been a sargeant in the cava ry. $e was ca ed 0'arge0 by a ,and his wife 0Drandma 'arge0*. In the few days I stayed with Betty before becoming home ess in 1"?1# she to d me that =obert was a .ockey. (here is a fu comp ement of references to the fami y owning something of a farm# but the house I reca visiting# after =obert had died# wou d not +ua ify as one. It was a so said that =obert was of 'cottish b ood. 3hen I was a senior at Ca e my mother sent me an enormous fami y tree with myse f isted on it. (he centra root was a man named Aing who ived in the 1500s in 2merica. >y mother9s mother9s mother# and Betty9s mother# from what I can reca and step around as carefu y as possib e# had the maiden name of De a Aing. De a was married to a man named &a-ton# which was Betty9s maiden name. &a-ton is an ;ng ish name# as Aing is# of course# a so. Deneo ogica y# the name of Aing common y was taken by someone who had been an actor taking the part of a king in a p ay# or other such non% roya reasons# so I have no de usions that I am descended from an actua king. Betty reported that her fami y had been in (e-as before moving to Ehio. I have evidence that one ine e-tending back from myse f reaches =ome. 3hen I was an artists9 mode in 1"?5 working in a c ass at Boston :niversity# the teacher commented to the c ass that the mode # myse f# had =oman facia features. 2rt teachers know such things with authority and I have no doubts therefore that I am =oman# and so too must be my sib ings. 3hich parent it was is not certain but the fact that =ome occupied ;ng and for a ong time wou d support the view that my =oman ineage comes through my mother9s mother# both of whose parents had ;ng ish surnames. In 1""2 I was appointed a king%pin# or 0first0# in the Ita ian >afia of 8hicago. I cou d not have been so appointed un ess I was either Ita ian# which I am not# or =oman# which it wou d appear I am. (he finer points of this matter of my =oman ancestry are unknown to me but make itt e difference in practica rea ities of e-ercising power.

1"!1 0? 13 0 0? 33 32 1"!2 03 15 1 11 36 04 1"!2 10 1" 1 02 40 36 1"!3 0! 24 0 0! 44 0"

segment 0100 segment 0200 segment 0300 segment 0400

1"!2 03 15 1 11 36 04 1"!2 10 1" 1 02 40 36 1"!3 0! 24 0 0! 44 0" 1"!3 12 25 1 0? 46 41

item%%2B13 It was about in this segment that occurred the first thing I remember of my own ife. It was nighttime# I was outdoors# and I was in a garden# a most certain y my grandmother9s as she has a ways had a good one and at that age we were iving wtih my grandparents%%my father9s parents%%in Berwyn# IB. (he memory opens with a sense of a distant presence of water. I wa ked down a path between shrubs# on f agstones# and came to a arge can fi ed with water. (here may have been an atomi/er f oating in the water or somehow attached to the can or sitting on the ground. (here was no other human present# but I was very very vague y aware of the e-istence at east of others of my species# who were of my fami y# a notion inchoate for me at that age. item%%<;?2 It was reported ater to me by my parents that my first words# uttered in the car when a train had .ust passed# were# 0choo choo a gone.0 (hey didn9t state my age at the time of this event. 1"!3 12 25 1 0? 46 41 segment 0!00 1"!4 06 31 0 11 !1 14

@@item%%!"B8 1"!4 01 to 1"!" 05 Bived in ; mhurst# IB. at 142 ;. Be-ington 'treet. sub%item%%<4!8 I once was taken by my father to his adies9 hairdressing shop# I be ieve it was in Ji a &ark# IB. $e had a partner named $enry who had an a coho prob em and eventua y my father diso ved the partnership and started his own shop in D en ; yn# IB. 2t that .uncture the fami y moved to D en ; yn. sub%item%%24D! Ef the things that happened in ; mhurst there is very itt e of the evidence that identifies any particu ar memory for its time of occurence# e-cept that outdoor memories can be identified for their season. (ime of day is imited in certainty to either daytime or nighttime. (he first time I ever wore a watch was in .unior high schoo # but that is not a certainty as I cannot reca a specific instance of referring to a watch unti my high schoo graduation when I received one as a gift from my mother. 2s a chi d I to d time by the voice of my mother# when it was time to get up in the morning or time to eat# and there was no strict schedu e at home that the chi dren knew of. In schoo # there was a c ock on the wa # but I cannot reca any of my teachers referring to the time. It was in schoo # however# that I earned to te time. sub%item%%23"3 Eur home in ; mhurst was in a neighborhood ca ed Corkfie d. (his neighborhood had an e ementary schoo and a fire station# both on our street# which was Be-ington. (here was no e-tensive gridding of

the streets in the area and not much deve opment besides individua homes. 7orth of Be-ington# behind the homes# there was a ta grass fie d of some !0 acres# unprotected by property markers and so put into use by the chi dren of the area as a p ay ocation# though this was imited by the height of the grass and no one I9m sure ever gave any thought to mowing it because of a the troub e it wou d invo ve# and the issue of .ust who owned it a . sub%item%%3!BB >y range of movement in the wor d on my own inc uded Be-ington as far as Cork =oad to the 3est# the e ementary schoo to the ;ast# the houses on the 'outh side of Be-ington to the 'outh# and rough y the midd e of the ta grass fie d# which we ca ed 0the prairie0# to the 7orth. I don9t reca ever being instructed what boundaries to observe and my range was imited on y because I had a certain sense about what I cou d manage as a fami iar territory. 3e owned a car and I reca being driven to a sma grocery store somewhere outside my own range# and a so was driven to the 7orth part of town every so often# for what I don9t reca . item%%2BD3 >y father9s parents moved from their home in Berwyn# IB# to a beautifu home in a wooded deve opment ca ed Burr Eaks in 7apervi e# IB# but the date of the move I cannot p ace within the interva of 1"!! to 1"52. (hey moved to 't. &etersburg Beach# <B# on the interva 1"5! to 1"64. >y mother9s father# =obert 3i t# died on the interva 1"!4 to 1"53. $er mother# ; i/abeth &a-ton 3i t# moved to 8 aremont# 82# from her home in Deneva# E$# on the interva 1"5" to 1"6!# fo owing the move by my mother9s brother# 3i iam <. 3i t# before her to the same town# from a home in $omewood# IB. >y father9s sister# 'hir ey# who was o der than my father and was the on y other chi d# married Beonard &rstero before my parents married. I9m not sure where they initia y ived but by 1"50 they were iving at a home on two acres in 3estmont# IB >y mother9s brother and sister were younger than her. 3i iam married 3i ma# who was barren# and =oberta =uth married Jack >adden. 'hir ey and Beneard &restero had seven chi dren# who in order were >ark# 8raig# >arsha# who was murdered on the interva 2000 to 2010# 8ar # 'cott# 8aryn# and >ary.ayne. 3i iam and 3i ma 3i t adopted three chi dren# who in order were 'he y# =obert# and 3i iam. Jack and Bobby =uth >adden had five chi dren# who in order were Jack Jr.# 3i iam# >ichae # =obert# and 'usan. (he >addens a so moved to southern 82 from E$. Bobby =uth died on the interva 1"50 to1"63. >ark &restero married on the interva 1"60 to 1"?0. I don9t reca his wife9s name. (hey had two or three chi dren# names unknown to me# and then my correspondence with >ark fai ed on his side. 8raig &restero has had more than one marriage. $is first was to 'hir ey and they had one chi d# >iche e. $is second was to Binda Decker and they had at east one chi d# whose name I do not know at this sitting# but I be ieve it was 3i iam. 8raig and Binda divorced.

>arsha &restero married at east once# to =ona d# and they divorced. I do not know if >arsha has had any chi dren. >arsha was reported y murdered on the interva 1""" to 2010. 'cott &restero married a divorcee# remained married to her for some years# and I do not know what happened after that. 8aryn &restero reports that her partner is fema e. I do not know of any norma marriage she# 8aryn# has had. >ary.ayne &restoro9s marita history I do not know of. Jack >adden# Jr.# has been married at east once. 3i iam >adden9s marita history is unknown to me. >ichae >adden9s marita history is unknown to me. =obert >adden has been married at east once and has at east one chi d. 'usan >adden married Dan 8onnors and I be ieve they are sti married. >ore than this of her marita history I do not know. Drowing up# my mother had a c ose re ationship with a re ative who was apparent y some type of cousin# who ived for some time with the fami y. $er name was De a. De a married a man named 2nderson and had three chi dren# who in order are Jane# who married a man named Aar 3ise and I have heard no report of a divorce# 8hristine# something of a tomboy# and 2ndrea# whose marita history I know nothing of. 1"!4 06 31 0 11 !1 14 segment 0500 1"!! 03 0! 0 02 !4 45

item%%2052 (here was an abandoned fire station between our house and Corkfie d 'choo . It was overgrown with weeds. (here were severa paths worn into the ground going from Be-ington back into the area and during the summer it was a keen y taken%in p ace because there occasiona y were spider webs in the weeds at shou der height. (here were spiders there that seemed evi . I be ieve they were ca ed banana spiders for their ye ow body co or. (heir evi ness made you e-treme y carefu not to run into their webs. It was the biggest ha/ard in my universe. 1"!! 03 0! 0 02 !4 45 1"!! 10 06 1 0! !? 1? segment 0600 segment 0?00 1"!! 10 06 1 0! !? 1? 1"!5 0! 11 0 0" 01 !1

item%%5B48 (he house at 142 Be-ington 'treet where we ived in ; mhurst was ocated on the 7orth side of the streeet. (he who e ot was about !0 meters by 200 meters with the shorter side to the street. (he house p an was a 30 meter by 30 meter s+uare centered in the short dimension of the ot and set back from the street about 2! meters. 2 sma appendage on the ;ast side of the house# and a garage beside the

appendage comp icate this description. (he s+uare main p an of the house was a ground f oor and a second f oor compromised by an ang e roof# its top ridge running para e to the street. (he second f oor was sma er than the ground f oor# and f ush with the front of the house. (hese descriptions are drawn from scattered memories of diverse views of the property accumu ated over a time period in which I started out very imited in awareness. 8onse+uent y# the e-act detai s never during the years when I ived at this house coa esced into e-act y the image I have created here# in particu ar the fact that the ground and second f oors were of different si/e p ans. It is hard to argue against this difference. >y memory of the depth of the two f oors# when checked against the entire ayout of the property# comes out to two different figures for the two f oors. 2t the time# I never bothered to make this check# and had a vague sense that the rear of the ground f oor ined up with the rear of the second f oor# which wou d have been a mistake. (here were no windows facing the rear of the house on the second f oor# so I had no sense .ustifying that wa against the contour of the ground f oor p an of the house. (he house c ear y was too sma for a fami y of two parents and four chi dren# as our fami y became. Ether fami ies survive with much ess. (he point concerns socia c ass ambitions rep icating into succeeding generations. If my father had sincere y intended for his chi dren to rep icate his socia c ass# he wou d have had on y as many chi dren as he cou d put in the si/e house he cou d afford. (he room on the second f oor where my two sisters s ept was more ike a room for 1 112 chi dren. (he room where I and my brother s ept was definite y a room for one chi d on y. (hese figures are based on y on the f oor p ans. 3hen you add to that the fact that the roof ang e compromised the vo ume of both rooms# you get an even more cramped +uarters. It is striking to note that one brother emerged from this owning a who e house whi e the other# myse f# owns ess than a renta agreement. Is it too much to suggest that there was a fight between my brother and myse f# on a subconscious eve # for contro of the rea estate that was suited for on y one chi d at the standard of iving being offerred by my fatherF In a sense this was a better adaptation for the fami y as a unit than an e+ua sharing of the rea estate wou d have been. (hen neither one of us wou d have en.oyed my father9s standard of iving# and the net stabi ity in fami y terms might have been ess. 2s it was it was a sort of reverse primogeniture# in effect. 8ontinuing this ine of argument# who decided which brother wou d take the rea estateF (he fami y cou d not benefit from une+ua deve opment if it was decided by unbrid ed war. It may be that it was decided that the more ab e brother be e.ected because he wou d be more ab e to survive without rea estate. 2 this supposes that everyone in the fami y accepted the decision of my father to have more chi dren than the house he cou d afford cou d ho d. But considering the present argument# that decision is now open to review. >y father opined once# more or ess# that he was a better man than his father because he had five chi dren and his father on y had two. 3hen our fami y reached three chi dren# he had beaten his father. 3hen it reached four it no onger was going in a fruitfu direction# and that chi d was mistreated and contracted pneumonia at age nine months# eading to a terrib e condition# inc uding menta retardation at the trainab e menta y handicapped eve and epi epsy with grand ma sei/ures. >isfortune is everywhere. :sua y# it goes une-p ained. It wou d be a u-ury to be ab e to e-p ain my

own misfortune# and that of my sib ings. &erhaps I have done that# perhaps not. Diven the premise that my father wanted to beat his father# what ed him to such an unreasonab e intentF $is father never offended me in one detai whatsoever. Cet my father did# in a most a continuum of ways# most of the time. 3hat e ement entered at my father9s p ace in the fami yF $is mother. 3hat e ement was his motherF <raud. 'he ied to her husband about finances. I know it because she oaned me money for my second bache or9s degree and to d me we had to keep it a secret from Drandpa. It was one or two thousand do ars. 7or was it a uni+ue instance# .udging from her ack of worry over it. 'he was a ways ready to brag about how many descendants she had produced. I say she was a ways ready because whenever an opportunity came about for her to do so she .umped on it with vim# vigor and vita ity%%one of her favorite phrases. Drandpa never said anything remote y ike that. $ow does fraud get mi-ed up with po ykinder ustF I don9t know. 2nd I9m not sure which is worse. 3hy did she want to have a ot of grandchi dren when she on y wanted two chi dren of her ownF &erhaps beause her own chi dren9s costs went on her accounts# whi e her grandchi dren9s costs didn9t. But a of them accrued to her persona achievement. (his ref ects an error in understanding the finances of procreation. 2 parent who cannot make every cent e-tend his prosperity into succeeding generations# starting with his own# is not ab e to create capita . (his is not apparent universa y# probab y because capita is an issue for capita ists and not an issue for anyone e se. 8apita is a deve opment upon discoveries in financing propagation. (he difference between capita and ess than capita is not rigorous. But it is sufficient y dramatic that its effects# of capita ists on ess than capita ists# can be +uite e-treme. ;veryone wants money. But when they find out how difficu t capita is to get# they resign from its pursuit. >y ancestors did we # it may be# but they didn9t figure out how to invo ve those they recruited as spouses in the fami y9s finances. 7ot that they didn9t invo ve them# but that they invo ved them without understanding how it needed to be done to e-tend their prosperity into succeeding generations. 8ircumstances change and a patronymic may or may not sustain its capita # once it is created# against the tide. >y patronymic fared we # but circumstances gave it a shock and in my case brought me c ose to death as a refusenik beggar. ,(he on y difference between me and a beggar was for many years .ust the fact that I refused to beg.* I cannot describe my return from r.b. as a catching up by patronymic va ues on circumstance. It may# however# be possib e to describe it as a fortuitous mi-ing of the va ues of my patronymic with the wi passed on from =ome. (his is fortuitousness against a new universa circumstance# so the ba ance is not# in the previous universa circumstance# very g amorous. 2nd why wou d it not be a new universa circumstance. I in.ected myse f into the present day academic astronomica estab ishment. (hat I fai ed was not because I was among the ower ights. It was because the fami y emergency# forced on us by the baggage brought by my father9s mother# ca ed for drastic measures%%my removing myse f from the fami y rea estate. (he actors in this p ay didn9t have scripts# but they sti were eading ives written for them. 'o we did terrib e things.

item%%06D5 (here is another eve of interpretation of my chi dhood which presents itse f. 3hy# given that I was e-treme y bright and active# did I never deve op a fu y e aborated interest in any ife ca ing eading to a financia y sound careerF I had the focus# but never stabi i/ed my attention to the point of reaching a discovery of a the myriad racinations of detai that come with a ifetime ca ing. I be ieve the answer is that our househo d was permeated by a powerfu undercurrent of inte ectua pacifism that kept me at a distance from my father9s egacy of toughness. (his undercurrent wou d have been introduced unconscious y by my mother# who was something of a re igious renegade# espousing phi anthropic idea s and enthusiasm for charismatic pub ic figures. >y father to d me on the occasion of his visit to my graduatiuon from Ca e that my mother had forbidden him to be physica y affectionate to me. ;vident y she was of two minds about his strength of character# and it was this f irtation with pacifism that kept me from deve oping any aggressive interests# or any consideration of mi itary va ues as worthy ines of character deve opment. I was idea y suited to a mi itary career. I had the discip ine# and my menta strength wou d have made the ife of a career officer e-treme y attractive to me. But every impu se I had to go in that direction met with decay# I be ieve now because they were viewed as contrary to the idea of pacifism. (hat my mother didn9t verba i/e this view doesn9t refute the argument. &acifism is a running theme in society# with inf uence everywhere. It cou d have taken root in the fami y by resonating with my mother9s idea s. (his outside inf uence wou d have been necessary to e-p ain the decay of a my aggressive impu ses. >y mother9s idea s a one were not deve oped enough to have such an effect. In co ege# at Ca e# I became marked y more animated in genera than I ever had been before. (his may have been due to acceptance of my father9s persona strengths# atent in my own behavior# by the Ca e mi ieu# a more ba anced environment than the home created by my mother. But by that time it was too ate. 2 the mi itaristic seeds were underdeve oped# and their roots short of the ength that wou d have been necessary to be nourished by the eve of maturity demanded in co ege. (here are a ternate e-p anations for my charisma turning on at Ca e# one of which is that I was at ast free of the need to say on y what my retarded sister Bisa wou d understand. 3hen I reached apprenticeship in architecture after graduation from Ca e# I was tota y unprepared to become a professiona . It was a fun and games to me. (he eads I fo owed ed nowhere# I fa tered a ong the path# and in the resu ting backwater became psychotic because success was not the fruit which I earned. En the rebound# I took up astronomy. It too was a fai ure. >y aggressive powers had never been stoked beyond impu ses into the bui ding of arge strategies. I was incapab e of sustaining a ifetime of inte ectua advance. &sychosis returned# and I wound up on the street home ess for eight years. (he menta i ness may have been a product of never having been guided past the stage of conversationa mastery which my sister Bisa9s participation demanded# which was a ow one indeed. >y father9s egacy of toughness proved in home essness to be substantia # even without deve opment# because I was confronted with the ba d face of surviva # where the unspoken messages passed to me by .ust watching my father whi e I grew up served my needs in iso ation from the entire civi i/ed comp ement of resources and habits. (he gaps I fi ed up with ogistics of my own devisement# techni+ues of combatting co d and contention with others# and written figures that met my need to go beyond anything I had earned from anguage. I began to grow those roots that had a been stunted by the time I got to co ege. In the mind thus created I trave ed and strugg ed unti civi i/ation and I fina y came into direct conf ict# and I emerged the victor# admitted into the company of the 8hicago >afia as

first# no onger needing to sacrifice my aggression to pacifism# though not yet aware of its conf ict and sti fai ing to a ow myse f my aggressions when surrounded by the trappings of civi i/ation. (he rea i/ation of pacifism9s power over me came at about the time of this writing. It shou d bring a better use of power by me# knowing there is this tendency to decay my aggression. item%%;;3" 3hi e p aying in the back yard# in the area between our ot and the prairie in back# I once stepped on a board with a nai in it and the nai pierced my foot by a ha f an inch. It was an odd sort of pain that was new to me# not e-treme but worrisome# and I absorbed that. I was given a tetanus shot. item%%;<!! Eur back yard had a grape vine on a tre is and a sma garden# kept by my mother. (here was a mode of a f ying duck atop the grape vine to scare away birds. It had moving wings. (he grapes were tasty but I used to throw away the skins because they were too tart. 3hen my mother wou d give me a tomato from the garden I wou d put sa t on it in heaps and rea y iked them. 'he a so grew string beans# a esser .oy in taste but a richer ob.ect to study# the stem9s way of popping off# and the resistance of the skin to tear apart under pressure. item%%6D;3 I caught bees that were f ying around my mother9s f owers. I caught them in g ass .ars. I fe t dread of their stingers and put gaso ine in the .ars before catching the bees# ki ing them. I be ieve this practice of mine drew the attention of bees to me and brought them to set me down the path toward transgender and the same osiris state as occurred in ancient ;gypt. It a so ed to my entering the e-perience of >oses in seeing a fire that did not consume. 3hether Esiris and >oses had the e-periences of >oses and Esiris I do not know. (here doesn9t seem to be any evidence of either. 3hi e Esiris is genera y regarded as a creator# >oses# from the standpoint of the ;gyptians# was a destroyer. I use creator and destroyer in the theosophica sense. I cannot deny either in my case. &erhaps the mi-ture of the two wi enab e some sort of reaction. (he detai s have not sett ed in this. <or a discussion of the impact of this practice with bees on my pursuit of co ege and graduate degrees# see segment 4?00# item 236;. item%%;338 Ene door ;ast of us ived an o der boy named 7orman# son of 3erner and 2nnie 'haffer. I used to visit him and he ran his mode train set in the basement# p ayed the accordian in his bedroom# and shot at birds with his pe et gun in the back yard. (here was a big birdhouse on a high timber post in their backyard and it attracted birds for 7orm to shoot at# I suppose not what it had been origina y intended to do. Ence in a great whi e he wou d take out his mode airp ane that f ew# but I on y saw him run it on the ground. $e must have been in high schoo . $e was an on y chi d. 7orm once had a pet pig. 3hen it got to be of a certain si/e they butchered it and invited a the neighbors and their friends to a pig roast. (his was one occasion in which I remember them using their screened in itt e house in the back yard# for guests to sit and eat pig. item%%?<03 (he Jordan fami y# on the 'outh side of Be-ington a coup e doors to the ;ast of us# inc uded parents Deorge and Buci e# and chi dren =oger# >aureen# and =usse .

Deorge p ayed 'anta at 8hristmas time and I knew it and ca ed him out. =oger was a bothered fe ow. >aureen was my sister 'andy9s friend. 'he was one of severa possib e origina reasons I started cross dressing. 'ee segment 0"00# item id !2;3. =usse was my brother Dave9s friend. item%%;B<4 2cross the street from us ived >ichae and Janet >a/ierick# brother and sister# who were 8atho ics. I p ayed with >ike a ot and his sister was cute. (here was a sma pond back of their house where we went catching tadpo es with a soup can on the end of a ong po e. Inside the house it was a ways dark and there was a wa feature with ho y water that imbued the house with what to me was an odd resonance with adu t overtones. item%%;<1" 2 coup e doors 3est of us ived =obie 8ramm# a friend of mine. $e and my sister 'andy and I wou d wa k around arm in arm incanting over and over the itany# 03e9re friends.0 I remember =obie wearing a patch over one eye. I don9t reca whether this was permanent or temporary. item%%;!63 Just to our 3est was the home of the 8arriers. >r. 8arrier was a fireman# possib y a captain# and he et me wear his he mut once# to my de ight. 2 photo of me in it went down in our fami y photo archive for many years. item%%4?!2 I had a friend who ived a ways ;ast of us sti on Be-ington# on the 'outh side of the street# named Bobby 'id o. $e bui t a fort in his backyard out of p ywood# and he had a pet a igator. $e wou d come over to my house and we wou d wrest e in my bed. $e had a habit of humming when we wrest ed. (here was never any decison of who won# as I reca # at east as I agreed to. 00item%%;!63 (here was nowhere to p ay sports in the neighborhood. 7o footba # no baseba # no basketba . item%%02B4 Ence I took my bicyc e on a ong trip that went off of Be-ington to the 'outh# and in a circ e. I saw things I had never seen before. item%%;;4? (he two o der boys in our neighborhood# 7orman 'haffer and =oger Jordon# both had three speed bicyc es. I considered these bikes g amorous in genera and specifica y wished I cou d have hand% operated brakes on my bike ike they had on theirs. I devoted much thought to this. 1"!5 0! 11 0 0" 01 !1 segment 0"00 1"!5 12 14 0 00 0! 23

@@item%%01B1 1"!5 0" to 1"!6 05 2ttended kindergarden at Corkfie d ; ementary 'choo in ; mhurst# IB. (he teacher9s name was >rs.

$ansen. item%%D4B2 Aindergarden was chaotic. 'tudents were a very noisy and seemed to be bust ing at a moments. It was suited to p ay. (here were some huge b ocks in the front of the room to the east# behind >rs. $ansen9s desk. I /eroed in on these in my thoughts. Diane $ansen# >rs. $ansen9s daughter# was in the c ass. I had a huge crush on her# she and her mother e+ua y. (hey were both b ond and s ender. Diane used to run around the p ayground outside pretending to be a coup e other gir s9 mother. I wou d run around behind Diane as c ose y as I dared# about 2! feet behind. 'he never seemed to notice me. It9s possib e this iconic memory on y happened once. It seems though as if it asted forever. item%%4122 (he one%room schoo house was e+uiped with bathrooms for the boys and gir s# on the 'outh end of the bui ding f anking the entry door# boys to the ;ast# gir s to the 3est. I made up a game with some of the other boys to see who cou d stand back the farthest from the urina s and sti get his urine in them. (his was an active y pursued game by some vague number of us. item%%5!3D I was p aying on the .ung e gym on the schoo p ayground and there were two gir s there with me. (hey got a good ook at me# and I at them. item%%28B? Ence I was rummaging about at home in the c osets upstairs where a the kids s ept and found some c othing items inc uding a baby9s p astic diaper. I wanted to know how to put it on. 'eemed kind of arousing. 'o I ca ed down to my mother and asked her# 0how does this workF0 It sounds ike stupidity# but I didn9t think she knew anything about arousa . I had never seen her aroused and she had never ta ked about it. 'o the who e thing seemed to be something I had discovered independent y and which no one e se in the wor d knew about# e-cept that I considered it a part of the natura wor d and must have e-isted e sewhere# at some unknown fre+uency and distribution# terms I wou d not have known. item%%!2;3 I think it might have been the case that my pursuit of gir s in my own neighborhood# as a part of being there in the neighborhood# ended when I started kindergarden# and the pursuit then continued in kindergarden and the fo owing grades. 3hen it was occurring in the neighborhood it took the form of a game I made up in which the boys and gir s ined up separate y and then the gir s wou d run through the boys9 ine and try not to be caught. It they were caught they wou d be kissed# in my case kissed to death because I rea y desired to kiss them. Ence a friend of my sister 'andy# >aureen Jordan# had a itt e game she wanted to try with 'andy and me. 3e were up in my and my brother9s bedroom sitting on the f oor and >aureen instructed us a to take off our c othes and pass them to the person to our side and put these other c othes on. I don9t remember much but my matter of factness about this idea. It wasn9t arousing. item%%;!3B 2 these e-periences invo ving se-ua ity occurred with no apparent connection to one another. 2nd there was never anything in the east bit se-ua between me and any boys. 'uch fee ings when they ater occurred have a ways been from socia degeneracy reaching in from the outside# forcing me to

tread there in indignation. I am not inherant y attracted to ma es. (he fact that someone might be encouraging homose-ua ity in me because of some de usiona opinion that such fee ings are innate to me is the most reprehensib e idea I have ever come across. It seems that it is a fact and this has caused me to take up a position of strident opposition to homose-ua ity of a degrees and forms# in denia of certain of the ibera partisanships I have formed over the years. (his is an unfortunate situation# but un ess someone steps forward and c aims in open forum that I am a homose-ua and a ows the matter to be given due di igence of debate and evidence# there is itt e hope for anything but troub e between me and homose-ua s for the foreseeab e future. item%%5B1! 2bout this time I remember attending a church on Be-ington near Cork =oad# on the 7orth side of the street. I be ieve it was a presbyterian church and that I had been baptised there. (he chi dren met in the basement. (here was a gathering of a of us and we were supposed to recite bib e verses we had been assigned to memori/e. I remember I had to recite John 3)15. I don9t remember actua y doing so# but I did memori/e it. I had two sma new testament books and treated them ike va uab e property. I didn9t do much reading in them. =e igion was a weak appendage in my ear y ife. 1"!5 12 14 0 00 0! 23 segment 1000 1"!6 06 1? 1 03 0? !5

item%%B!55 >y friends in our neighborhood on Be-ington in ; mhurst inc uded >ike and Janet >a/ierick# =obbie 8ramm# >aureen Jordan# 'hea &etta# and Bobby 'id o. (here was a so Johnny and 2r ene B aue but for no apparent reason I castigated them most of the time and on y had peace with them one day when their mother invited my sister 'andy# who I encouraged to castigate the B aues with me# and me to visit and p ay with Johnny and 2r ene at their dinner tab e. (hese were the on y chi dren my age in the neighborhood and there was no movement in or out at any time during the five years we ived there# as far as I can remember. It was a one%fami y houses# each with a decent amount of property. Ether streets in ; mhurst were not a factor for the chi dren in my fami y. I have specific memories of a the chi dren named above e-cept for 'hea# despite a sense I have that he was a so a friend. $is house was a few doors ;ast of the B aues. I do reca there being a heavy rain once that f ooded a house that was either 'hea9s or near it# and I investigated. item%%3522 I carried on a ong%term feud with two chi dren in the neighborhood# Johnny and 2r ene B aue. It was done for a sense of be onging to a privi eged group# a very backward condition# and a sense that I was free to inc ude or e-c ude peop e from the group at my wi . Johnny and 2r ene were spind y# I thought# so I e-c uded them. Ene time I engaged Johnny in a game of chicken. $e had a garden imp ement and I had one and we marched toward each other down the midd e of Be-ington 'treet. I remember neither the outcome of this disorder iness nor e-act y how it came to be formu ated# and at whose instigation. I remember being proud of my imp ement and confident it wou d prevai . Did we make contactF I don9t reca . 2nother time my sister 'andy and I entered the B aue front ot where 2r ene was and we taunted her. 'he rep ied the wise words about sticks and stones wi break my bones but words wi never harm me.

I picked up some stones off their stoney driveway and said# 0oh# we have sticksI 3e have stonesI0 then proceded to put the stones in 2r ene9s hair# and my sister 'andy did the same. 1"!6 06 1? 1 03 0? !5 segment 1100 1"!? 02 20 0 05 12 2?

@@item%%B4B< 1"!6 0" to 1"!? 05 2ttended first grade at Corkfie d ; ementary 'choo in ; mhurst# IB. I don9t reca the teacher9s name. item%%"!;3 I reca at this age that I was handed a sheet with the etters and numbers on it. I seem to have dreamed about this event and it is very deep in my memory. 3hether I remember a waking e-perience or a dreamed one is hard to say. item%%168! In the first grade we were given some dance instruction. I remember being paired to dance with 2r ene B aue# the gir who ived near me with whom I he d a sort of a +uarre . I was so oath to touch her that I .ust he d my hand near her waist instead of on it. 'he took this in stride. item%%?;1D Aindergarden was ha f a day. 3ith first grade came unch at schoo . I soon rea i/ed I wasn9t getting enough strength from what my mother was fi-ing for me. I hit on a p an. I wou d ask my mother to fime for every unch a sandwich of peanut butter# butter# and honey butter# a kind of churned honey that my mother occasiona y had on hand. 'o I asked her. >uch to my dismay she said no. 'he said there was no such sandwich. 2t this point I had a crisis. 3ith a know edge of what I cou d accomp ish at schoo if I put forward the effort# and a sense about how much of a deficit my mother9s idea of unch wou d cause me in such an effort# any hope I had for a good ife# as was imp icit in everything I had ever been to d about schoo # was comp ete y at risk here. >y abiity to manipu ate my mother was not we practiced. I had never invested in becoming adept at p eading with her and so I had itt e confidence I cou d strengthen my case by app ying the kind of nonsense I knew chi dren common y e-ercised# such as whining# forcing up tears# or throwing a tantrum. I knew my mother to be motivated by champions# however. If I cou d manufacture evidence that my none-istent sandwich did in fact e-ist by virtue of a story that one of her champions in the cu inary arts had actua y fi-ed it for me once# then I stood a good chance of breaking the dead ock of my mother9s insistence it didn9t e-ist. Ef course no such evidence e-isted and I had to make it up by te ing the ie that it actua y happened. I used as cu inary champion our ne-t door neighbor# 2nnie 'chaffer. (he entire enterprise of ife stood in the ba ance for me. 3hether because of uck or because of the weight of due di igence being known by over ords to be comp ete y disregarded here by my mother# I cannot say# but my mother broke and said# ok# she wou d fi- me the sandwich. If she checked with 2nnie she never mentioned it thereafter# eaving a number of possib e outcomes I cannot verify re ated to my mother ta king with 2nnie. In any case# my mother fi-ed me that sandwich every schoo day for eight years# unti high schoo #

when I started having .ust a coup e cookies for unch. By high schoo the most important work I did had shifted to that done at home each night# and I resorted to making mi kshakes for myse f and eating grahm crackers and mi k after studies to be sure I had enough strength for them on a continuing basis. (his itt e history puts me in a difficu t position with regard to the guise of truth. It a so does so in a conte-t that casts considerab e doubt on the re iabi ity of peop e who never went to co ege for anything at stake between them and me that re ates to my surviva and success. In essence# it attaches a fi-ture to my mother9s ove for me# so that I get to deactivate it whenever I fee my surviva or success is threatened by it# in the greater picture beyond her actua ifetime. I fee I correct y e-ecuted my right to such a fi-ture throughout my mother9s ife# keeping her a part of my own ife despite a significant pena ty because she was not educated enough to understand events whether great or disparaging# as is the case for anyone ike herse f not we educated. ;-p anation was not possib e# particu ar y because one doesn9t do that for a parent. (here is much to be feared in the recurrent popu ar wisdom about the scenario of a chi d first of his fami y to get a co ege degree. <or one thing# you have to write a ine of thought for those uneducated# into the same e-pression into which you write a ine of thought for the educated. (hey both may find your writing and it is impossib e to hide anything from either. (hat is a eve of comp e-ity on y had by earning safe y to eave both educated and uneducated circ es# neither option of which is particu ar y pa atab e# not to say iveab e. item%%8""4 8hristmas was ce ebrated each year at our fami y by our parents giving us many gifts# the on y ones I remember being toys. >y favorite of these were a toy rif e with red p astic bu ets and a two gun ho ster with two toy guns. 3e were to d to make up ists of things we wanted as 8hristmas gifts and we went through the 'ears and 3ards mai order cata ogs to make our ists. I iked the chi d9s mi itary uniforms in these cata ogs but whether I put that on my ist I don9t reca . I never received one. I had an ear y desire# stimu ated by these uniforms# to enter a mi itary career. I9m not sure why this passed. 1"!? 02 20 0 05 12 2? segment 1200 1"!? 0" 24 1 0" 15 00

@@item%%1<83 1"!? 0" to 1"!" 05 2ttended second grade at Corkfie d ; ementary 'choo in ; mhurst# IB. >y teacher9s name was >iss 'mith. 'he was a pretty b ond. item%%8865 (he Corkfie d ; ementary 'choo had an interior c osed court# comp ete y bounded by windows# that fi ed the ha s with sun ight. 2cross the ha from the courtyard was my second grade c assroom. (he courtyard was fi ed with growing things. >y memory of the specific things growing there is vague but I seem to reca the presence of arge p ants# possib y inc uding trees# and another graduate of the schoo there# connected to via <acebook# confirms there were trees there during the years of this ater generation of students# so there probab y were trees there in my day too. item%%D?0! (he front door to the schoo was on the ;ast side of the 'outh facade# about five feet from the corner. Ence I was p aying a hiding game with someone and hid right around this corner with my back to the ;ast side of the bui ding. (hen I .umped out around the corner e-pecting to surprise the other person. Boom# there was the principa . I suppose he took it we . $e didn9t ye at me. 1"!? 0" 24 1 0" 15 00 segment 1300 1"!" 04 2" 1 00 1" 33

item%%24!8 During the second grade on y two things happened that I remember. (he first was that >iss 'mith asked the c ass why things fa . Immediate y everyone9s hands went up and I was hit by a sensation that my understanding of gravity cou dn9t be very rare# since everybody e se seemed to know why it worked. (he answer I wanted to give was that things fa because there9s nothing to ho d them up. 3hen the first person >rs. 'mith ca ed on said# 0because of gravity#0 I immediate y thought how ucky it was she hadn9t ca ed on me with my now disreputed answer. >rs. 'mith said that was the right answer. (hey rea y might have aughed at my answer# but on y recent y have I ref ected on the fact that what I was thinking about was the norma force that ho ds things back from fa ing# whether it be a desk or tab e or what have you. (ake away this force and an ob.ect has to fa . I hadn9t heard of 7ewton. It was .ust my natura sense of the way the wor d worked. (he second thing that I remember was not rea y something that happened. It was Baura 'mith# a student in the c ass. 'he was nice ooking# with beautifu b ond hair. 1"!" 04 2" 1 00 1" 33 segment 1400 1"!" 12 02 0 03 23 0!

item%%"0B6 (he moves my parents made# from Berwyn to ; mhurst and from ; mhurst to D en ; yn# were part of a f ight from what was percieved# primari y by my father and his network of friends and associates# as a city of 8hicago whose primary attribute was a high concentration of b acks. (his made it hard for me growing up to find any attraction to the city as a p ace to ive. I a ways en.oyed going into 8hicago. $owever# my atitude to investigate and bui d a frame on which to investigate more deep y# was severe y# if not abso ute y# restrained by events behind the scenes as we as those that were visib e. >y action# given the combination of this heritage and the fact of being re egated to poverty in the urban environment of the ;ast coast# was to stand my ground and confront the hosti ity and chaos of the b ack community without f eeing# as my father had done a his ife. $is endorsement of this action had to be circumspect# as there was nothing in it inherent y of racism# and he was a strong advocate of that. $e came forward# it must be presumed# on y because one component of the action invo ved fighting with b acks# and this he cou d endorse and was probab y instructed to by his over ords# which we now know everyone has. item%%"0!" Before moving into our new house in D en ; yn# my father did some interior painting and took me a ong for the ride. (here were no ightbu bs in the house so he used construction amps# on e-tensions. It was spooky. item%%?4;< (he move of a our be ongings from ; mhurst to D en ; yn was done using a fair y big truck owned by a friend of my father9s# (ony Junta. >r. Junta owned a company that so d food who esa e# I be ieve# and the truck was a de ivery truck. >r. Junta ived in D en ; yn during the years we did but I9m not sure whether he a so did at the time of our move there. If he did he might have been inf uentia in my father9s decision to move to D en ; yn. >y father and some others did a the abor of the move. item%%6220 3e bought the house from a fami y named the 8hrises. (hey had had a sma fire and I9m not sure if this is why they so d it. I didn9t see any fire damage in the p ace where we were to d it had happened.

(he house# a two%storey brick structure# was .ust as cramped as the one we were eaving. (here was a itt e more s+uare feet of bedroom space# but not that much# and the boys9 room had ma.or cutting off of cei ing height by the intrusion of the ang ed roof# .ust as in ; mhurst. (here was a ot of wood pane ing# and some bui t%in drawers in p aces. Ene thing it had that ; mhurst didn9t have was a fu basement. (he yard was sma er# about a third as big. (he chi d%usab e vacant ots in the neighborhood were sma and few. (he e ementary schoo was a ha f%mi e away# the .unior high 3 mi es# and the high schoo a mi e. I ended up wa king to e ementary and high schoo and took a schoo bus to .unior high. item%%<182 (he address of the house in D en ; yn was ?!! $i side 2venue. $i side ran ;ast%3est about two b ocks south of the 7orthwestern =ai road# which was the center of town9s atitude. ?!! was about five b ocks ;ast of >ain 'treet. item%%0364 D en ; yn was a bit wea thier than ; mhurst. Both are in Du&age 8ounty# one of the most wea thy counties in the natioin. item%%5?41 (here is a ake in D en ; yn# Bake ; yn# ocated in a woody park .ust north of the center of town and .ust to the ;ast. (he high schoo # D enbard 3est# sits on a hi and over ooks the ake# with an ath etic fie d inc uding the main footba fie d beside the ake. It9s very scenic. item%%"D01 3ith the greater awareness I had of the 7orthwestern =ai road in D en ; yn# as compared with ; mhust when I was younger# I became much more aware of the 8hicago and area in which these cities were ocated. 8hicago sits on Bake >ichigan# one of the five Dreat Bakes of 7orth 2merica# to the west of the ake. It is in the state of I inois# one of the fifty states of the :nited 'tates# which occupies 7orth 2merica a ong with 8anada to the 7orth and >e-ico to the 'outh. 7ear to 8hicago are the states of 3isconsin# to the 7orth# Indiana# to the ;ast# and >Ichigan# on the other side of Bake >ichigan# to the 7ortheast. 2t the time of my chi dhood# 8hicago was the second most popu ous city in the :.'.# after 7ew Cork. It grew in si/e from its founding most y because it was a transportation center on a nationa sca e. (he topography in the 8hicago area is +uite f at. 8hicago was among the first cities where ta bui dings were bui t.

2 prominent 8hicagoan# >arsha <ie d# fought for# and won# the provision of the akefront as park area for a to en.oy# rather than as private commercia deve opment. @@item%%DB03 1"!" 05 to 1"5" 0" Bived in D en ; yn# IB. (he first four schoo years in D en ; yn# third through si-th grades# I attended Ben.amin <rank in ; ementary 'choo . 2 four of my c assrooms then were in the 'outh wing of the schoo . sub%item%%2B"3 >y father owned a adies9 hairdressing shop ca ed Aenne9s &owder Bo-. It was in two ocations# first at !11 Duane 'treet# and then moved to !03 Duane 'treet# in D en ; yn. (hese were about the same si/e. !11 was divided into a barber shop and my father9s sa on# with a seven%foot high barrier between them. !03 was an individua shop. 2t some point my father and his father# under the company name of B H B Bui ding 8ompany# bought the who e bui ding at !03# which inc uded a so an e ectronics shop run by a fe ow named Derou# an auto mechanic9s garage# and severa stories of apartments. >y father and his father and I painted the who e e-terior of the bui ding. I don9t reca being paid for this. I was paid by my father to sweep the f oor of the beauty shop# once a week. I came into the habit of asking for my pay in advance so I cou d buy a $ardy Boys or (om 'wift Jr. book. I had no discip ine with money when it came to these two .uveni e series# but I never asked for more than one week9s advance wages at a time. @@item%%?1!D 1"!" 0" to 1"50 05 2ttended the third grade at Ben.amin <rank in ; ementary 'choo in D en ; yn# IB. >y teacher9s name was >rs. &eterson. (he c assroom was on the ground f oor# 'outh wing# ;ast side of the ha . Ene of the most thri ing events in the third grade was Ja entine9s Day. 3e a had shoebo-es decorated as mai bo-es and everyone gave everyone e se a Ja entine9s card. (here was a ot of variety in the effort put into these cards and I definite y read each one from a gir to see if there was any hint of a f irt in it. $owever I did not rea i/e that I cou d have sing ed out those gir s I thought were nice and made a note on my cards to them intended to e-press a romantic interest# then waited to see if there was any response. I hadn9t earned to use words as a means of estab ishing romantic re ationships. item%%!661 (here was a gir sitting ahead of me who I was very attracted to. $er name was Baura 'inden. 'he had ong dark hair and her ips were a ways wet. It made me kind of gushy inside to ook at her wet ips. 'he took up the f ute in band. item%%"6!1 (here was another gir I iked in the third grade. $er name was Ji $artman. 'he was outgoing. 'he ived on Bryant a the way out a most to =oute !3# to the 'outh of Ben <rank in 'choo # on the ;ast side of the street# the ast house.

item%%3;53 3e wou d have c ass sing a ongs in the third grade. Ene of the gir s was very dramatic and effervescent in her singing and it made me fee uncomfortab e. $er name was Diedre >ays. I took her out on a date in high schoo when she had a reputation as a g amorous s ut of unverified certainty# and te ephoned her for a ong ta k when we were freshmen in co ege# she at 'kidmore and me at Ca e. (he reputation she had was most y associated with her being a member of the ski c ub. I had a ow opinion of the skiing sport and maybe this is why I thought i of her reputation. 3hen I picked her up at her house for the date the house was e egant# modern# and circu ar# and was designed by her father# an architect. I ater heard that circu ar houses are usua y what neophyte designers attempt# but this one sure seemed beautifu . En the date we went into 8hicago# I forget what the event was but it rained hard and we stood on a bridge for a whi e and when I tried to kiss her she refused and when I asked her why she ooked strange and didn9t rep y. I thought there might have been some rumor about me of an off co or# or maybe she guessed that I had heard the rumors about her and took her out because of that and she didn9t want to p ay into it. item%%4<1< (he principa at Ben <rank in was =aymond $endee. $e had a bright# optimistic demeanor. $owever# as every schoo chi d knows# when you get into troub e they send you to see the principa and this was true at <rank in. (here was a dark wooden bench bui t into the wa outside his office and errant chi dren wou d have to sit there for some time. It was ca ed the 0bad bench.0 item%%<DD0 Ene day my third grade c ass worked on an art task. >y vague reco ection is that there was a centra p ace where a arge number of c ippings were disp ayed and each student was to choose one to use as a mode for a work of art from first white tempera paint on a dark sheet of construction paper# then some co ored medium# possib y water co ors# on top of the white. >y choice was a c ipping of a bunch of i acs# I be ieve. 2fter about ten or fifteen minutes# maybe a ha f hour# >rs. &eterson started to wa k around the c ass ooking at each student9s work. 'eeing mine# she stopped me and picked up my piece and ca ed the c ass9s attention to it# ho ding it up and fanning its view around herse f so a cou d see. I was mortified. I had never been the sub.ect of a who e c ass9s attention in my ife before. I had put my marb es in the bag of good grades and this was something different. 8onse+uent y my concept of the work was comp ete y ost and I had to finish the piece by copying the concept from the part that was done. (his was unsuccessfu . (he finished work was c ear y separated into the portion done before being disp ayed to the c ass and the portion done after that. (he ear y part was fu and robust and I cou d see why >rs. &eterson had sing ed it out# in retrospect. (he ater part was du # meagre# and programmatic# simp y fi ing up the space for the sake of that and nothing e se. In an operationa sense it was a manufacturing success. (he ear y work was sma # about two inches by three inches# and not perfect y centered on the sheet. (he ater work e-tended a coup e of graphic e ements from the ear y work into the surrounding space# and if one ignored the robustness of the one part the rest of it had a definitet y finished ook to it. 'o as art the work was a fai ure# no matter how much anyone might say about it# such as >rs. &eterson9s record of it and my mother9s de ight in that

and conse+uent e evation of the piece to fami y fo k art e-ce ence. It was in no way at the time a nod for me to fo ow up with as a successfu specia ty. 3hether this ack of a nod was a resu t of my oss of the origina concept or a resu t of the pedagogica fai ure of >rs. &eterson in her hand ing of me and my work# is hard to say. But though the work fai ed as art it succeeded as manufacturing. >y emotions surrendered to the task of producing a finished work. >y operationa facu ties took up the s ack from the oss of the inspiration and hammered out a product ab e to be touted as fami y fo k art. (his preserved the incident in memory and when a e se in my ife had been swept away by my first home essness that memory was sti a force of sufficient magnitude to infuse my efforts in my brother9s home in D en ; yn# as discussed in segment !300# item id !2"?# and resu ted in rea y fine work# one piece of which survives at this writing. (he reception by >rs. &eterson and my mother had been an unavoidab e et%down but sti effective at .ust creating an ear%mark that u timate y paid off in terms of product. (he progression from product to profit has not yet been made# and whether it wi eventua y pay off is a +uestion without i umination. item%%?1?1 2bout this time my parents and sib ings and I had a summer vacation with my mother9s mother# Betty 3i t# and father# =obert 3i t# and the 2ndersons# of whom I remember being there on y Jane 2nderson# and a friend of the fami y named >abe # the vacation spent at a cottage on Bake ;rie in Deneva on the Bake# Ehio. >y grandmother and grandfather were iving in Deneva. (his vacation is the on y memory I have of my mother9s father. =obert 3i t. It9s one of my ha/iest memories. 3e chi dren p ayed in the water and on the beach and it was here that I remember =obert 3i t. 2cross the street from the cottage was a teen entertainment district# from what my young mind cou d te . (here was a miniature go f p ace and a store with a ta rack of comic books# with such tit es as < ash# Batman# and 'uperman. En the cottage dining room tab e there was a big co ection of comic books that I poured over. Jane 2nderson sat there reading too and I was attracted to her. But I rea y en.oyed .ust as much wa king around across the street where there was a fee ing of young kids with money to spend and ooking for romantic action. It was most y the ooking for action that I sensed# and it was on y .ust reaching into my age group. I didn9t find anyone besides Jane. I did buy one or two comic books and took the specia action of taking a subscription to one# (he Beague of Justice. I got a money order somehow to pay for it. It came in the mai every so often back in D en ; yn. I chose that comic book because I cou dn9t make up my mind which superhero was the most thri ing and this one invo ved a who e bunch of them. 1"!" 12 02 0 03 23 0! segment 1!00 1"50 06 0! 1 05 25 36

item%%003< >y mother9s mother# Betty 3i t# gave me for 8hristmas a wrought%iron emb em# or escutcheon# about five inches by two feet# with a tab for mounting on a wa . 'he was not one to be unintentiona about such gestures. 'he never gave such a thing to my sib ings.

1"50 06 0! 1 05 25 36

segment 1500

1"51 02 06 0 0" 30 10

@@item%%;208 1"50 0" to 1"51 05 2ttended the fourth grade at Ben.amin <rank in ; ementary 'choo in D en ; yn# IB. >y teacher9s name was >rs. $ar an. (he c assroom was on the second f oor# 'outh 3ing# ast room on the 3est side of the ha way. item%%"D3! In the fourth grade I became fascinated with the act of making a oud whist e with my two hands9 indeand midd e fingers. ;ric Binb ade had a way to use .ust one hand9s thumb and inde- fingers. I considered his method superior because it eft a hand to use otherwise. $e whis ed a ot ike this in the bathroom at schoo . >y father had a way to whist e oud y without any fingers. I wasn9t ab e to earn this and it irked me. I fe t ike I wasn9t as much a man potentia y as my father. $is sister cou d do it and this rea y irked me. item%%?5D< (he imminent approach of dinnertime was usua y announced by my father whist ing for us. I suppose watches were too e-pensive. If we roamed too far and didn9t isten for the whist e we risked missing dinner. >issing dinner was not to be contemp ated. It wou d have had unknown bad conse+uences on a counts. item%%5"42 In the fourth grade we began to earn the mu tip ication tab e. >rs. $ar an dri ed us# going around the c ass giving each person a different pair of digits to mu tip y and give the answer. It seemed that one person kept getting the same pair# 3 - 6# and I came to use that person9s name and image in my memory as a mnemonic for that combination product. $is name was Joe. $e sat ne-t to the door to the c assroom. @@item%%8253 1"50 0" to 1"5! 05 2t the invitation of my parents# I entered the D en ; yn Drade 'choo Band program. >y mother and her mother both p ayed the piano# my grandmother having provided the sound for si ent movies# and 8/echs are very proud of their muscia heritage# so it was a musica fami y. (here was a disp ay of a the various instruments for the purpose of a owing each student to choose his instument. I had seen a c assmate with a c arinet at the home of my friend >ike $odge# and it had fascinated me how he took out a chamois c oth on a string with a weight to put through the instrument to c ean it so that was the insturment I wanted%%a physicist9s reason# not a musician9s. I was enchanted by earning to p ay the c arinet# which was both a matter of sma c asses with the director# Bi ;dwards# he d in each e ementary schoo # and practice at home. (he c asses inc uded a number of different instruments so we got a sense of the mi-ing of the sounds to make group music. (he c asses were on schoo time and we were e-cused from our scho astic c asses for them. (he books of music we used proceded through a number of graded issues. (hey were ca ed 0methods0. (here were four band ranks) training# cadet# .unior# and senior. (he orchestra was separate# and there

was a swing band for those we +ua ified. 2 c arinet p ayer cou dn9t get into the swing band un ess he a so p ayed the sa-ophone. I advanced at an average pace. (o get into the senior band one had to pass a test on memori/ation of a the different sca es. I worked on this with a method that gave me itt e f e-ibi ity p aying sca es but a itt e genera understanding of how the sca es are constructed. I passed the test and entered the senior band. I was ast or near ast chair in senior band and they had a cha enge for position that inc uded the who e ast row of p ayers# about 1! of us. >y father promised to pay me fifty cents for every seat I moved up in the cha enge. 3hen they announced the resu ts I was over.oyed to hear I went to the top# and I to d everyone about my financia earnings from this. (his was my seventh grade year and I had three rows of c arinets ahead of me# about four or five in each row. In the eighth grade I advanced to first chair of a the c arinets. Ef course attrition was part of it. (he band had three main standard features in its operation each year. Ene was marching in parades# one was a three day tour# and one was a spring concert. 2s I reca the training and cadet bands on y participated in the spring concert of these three. (he .unior band didn9t go on tour. (he high ight of my band e-periences was the ast senior band tour I went on in which we went to 'pringfie d# IB and p ayed 0a command performance0 for the governor of the state# Etto Aerner. It was windy and they gave us c othespins to keep our music on the music stands. (he governor made an appearance. (he senior band a so competed against other bands in the state in a contest. I don9t reca if the other three band ranks did. (here was a so an opportunity for band members to compete as so oists and ensemb es. I p ayed over time I think in three so os# and a so in one c arinet +uintet. (here were three sca es of competition) oca # district# and state. I went a the way to the state with my ast so o and got a second rating there. (hat so o was ca ed 0Ba >i itaire.0 >y mother accompanied me to the contest and# because she had one eye with poor sight and didn9t ike to drive# she hired a neighbor boy# Aenny Aant# to drive us there# to Di-on# IB. (here was a state penitentiary in Di-on at the time. >y piano accompanist was a ways >rs. Aafka# whose daughter 'a y Bou had p ayed f ute in the band and I thought was +uite attractive. I thought >rs. Aafka did an e-ce ent .ob and he ped me musica y in many ways. $er son 'tan ey was a gymnast and ater deve oped menta i ness. 'he a so had a son named 'teven. I had a regu ar habit of practicing in my bedroom for a ha f%hour every day. 3hen I reached first chair of senior band my mother enro ed me in private essons with a student of c arinet at 3heaton 8o ege# 3heaton was the community immediate y to the 3est of our town# D en ; yn. (hese essons# in which my teacher did some p aying# showed me that the instument cou d be p ayed much better than our band director# >r. Bi ;dwards# e-pected of us. I earned very itt e e se# however. I was aware that my mother was doing me a big favor by sitting in the car for a ha f%hour waiting for me during each esson. I don9t know how much they cost.

(he second chair c arinetist was a petite gir named 8hery 8hristie# younger than the eighth grade. 'he took over first chair for two weeks once by beating me in a cha enge# and then I beat her back. (his oss of mine temporari y struck me with embarrassment when it was first announced. I was determined to win it back and didn9t skip a heart beat when I did. 8hery was one of those gir s I considered attractive but not successfu enough of a student to try dating. 2mbition was a big issue with me. (he band was a thriving socia scene# with the director# >r. ;dwards# at its center at a times. $e kept firm contro # was musica y ab e for a we knew# and iked to have fun with us when the busy schedu e permitted# or perhaps the schedu e was aided by it. I have heard from one friend of some vio ations of his trust committed by him on her during a private audience for a cha enge. (here was never any sign I saw of this kind of thing being on his mind. >r. ;dwards9s son# Bi ie# p ayed with us from time to time. $is instument was percussion. $e was we % iked by the band members. During my ast year with the band I was e ected Jice &resident. I ost that tit e for a coup e weeks when I was accused of ta king back to >r. ;dwards during a discussion of my having brought a sma penknife on tour# which I announced I had during a room inspection. Anives were not a owed on tour. 2fter I was kicked off band counci I wa ked in a egator tears back to my seat in the bus for the ne-t eg of the trip# with wondering band members on both sides the who e way# a most to the back. >y seat partner# >ark Dustafson# was entire y conso ing and I s ow y came out of my state of ruin. I didn9t know if they wou d reinstate me but they did eventua y. >y fami y# especia y my mother# en.oyed wa king a ong with the band# on the sidewa k ne-t to it# as we marched in parades in D en ; yn. (he senior band uniform was a %white street c othes and a band% issued maroon sweater with a harp deca on the front. ;veryone pinned onto their sweater a the meda s they had won# whether from band competition or so o and ensemb e competition. (he spring concert capped off the schoo year. 2 the ranks of band# and the orchestra and swing band# got to p ay. Band members covered the community se ing tickets beforehand# going door%to%door# which was an interesting esson in business ski s. I e+uated the concett tickets# which came in two co ors for some reason I don9t remember# with money# and oved to hand e them. Ene of the spring concerts gave >r. ;dwards a fright when# during the senior band9s march from the back of the ha to the stage to take our seats# p aying a the whi e# and with the ights out and christmas ights attached to the instruments with battery packs be ted onto our waists%%>r. ;dwards was a showman%%one of the two fe ows carrying the base drum s ipped in the dark on the stairs to the stage in a painfu y evident break in the beat for the band and a ot of genera confusion for a few seconds. (he guy wasn9t hurt. (he repertoire of the senior band was a ot of musica show tune med ays for the concert stage and a ot of 'ousa for the marching. >r. ;dwards was into speed and not so much yricism. 3hen I was in first chair of the senior band >r. ;dwards used me to tune up the who e band at the beginning of every rehearsa or performance. 7orma y in orchestras this is done by an oboe. $e had an e ectronic tuning device that he had me tune to and then I tuned the who e band# from my seat# with >r. ;dwards conducting the tuning. I don9t reca or know whether the first chair c arinet was a ways the

tuner of the band or whether this changed from year to year. 1"51 02 06 0 0" 30 10 segment 1600 1"51 0" 12 0 00 33 42

@@item%%!"55 1"51 0" to 1"52 05 2ttended the fifth grade at Ben.amin <rank in ; ementary 'choo in D en ; yn# IB. >y teacher9s name was >rs. =end er. (he c assroom was on the second f oor# 'outh wing# ast room on the ;ast side of the ha way. item%%4628 2bout this time I was informed by someone that Bisa >artins# a gir who attended <rank in# had a big crush on me. 'he was not bad ooking but not one I wou d have thought to pursue on my own impu se. 'he did behave odd y around me# so I was pretty sure the rumor was correct. 7othing deve oped. 'he had the sense to gather from my inaction that such a strong attraction was not shared by me. I sort of a so had heard that she was a tomboy# and that was not a good thing in a over# such as the issue was# in my view. 'he was very aggressive. item%%B54B 2 friend of my father9s kept homing pigeons and convinced my father to buy some from him. >y father bui t a cage into a window in the garage for them. I got to feed them. (heir food was mu tigrain. 3e had about si- of them. Ence we took them to Ben <rank in 'choo and re eased them. 'ure enough# they came back home. Bater# we got rid of them%%I9m not sure to where. 1"51 0" 12 0 00 33 42 segment 1?00 1"52 04 15 1 03 36 1!

item%%8533 I had a friendship with a neighbor# Deorge 'chu t/# who ived down on Bongfe ow 'treet and ater moved to Jandamen. $is sister Aaren was very attractive but I didn9t fee socia y ab e enough to present a gesture of interest to her. $is mother was very attractive too. 'he was an art teacher. Ence Deorge and I had a conversation with him sitting in his bedroom and me standing in the door and he to d me that if I ever needed someone to ta k to he wou d be g ad to be there for me. I thought this was very thoughtfu of him but I was shy and never fo owed up. It probab y wou d have done me a ot of good to have someone to confide in. >y brother and I never ta ked# despite sharing a room a the time. item%%0605 >y father oved to fish. $e took my mother fishing in 8anada for their honeymoon. $e took my brother Dave and me on numerous thri ing adventures fishing in the 8hain E9Bakes in northern I inois# inc uding Deep Bake. 3e wou d get up at 4 in the morning on a 'unday at my father9s wake%up ca . It was a ways hard to get to s eep the previous bedtime because of a the e-citement. (he previous evening my father wou d give the grass a good coat of watering to force the earthworms to surface. (hen before bedtime we wou d take f ash ights# cover them with a kerchief# and go out in the grass and catch worms for bait. Cou had to guess which end of the worm showing was in the ho e. If you guessed wrong and reached for the free end instead# there was a fraction of a second where the

worm wou d beat you and s ip into its ho e. (hese were big worms. 3e ca ed them night%craw ers. 3e a so had a compost pi e in the back yard by the rear ot% ine and wou d do some digging there for the sma er type worms. 3e put some dirt in with the can of worms to keep them free of neuroses. 2fter a +uick breakfast right after getting up at 4 we9d get into the car# which we had packed with everything we needed the night before# and eave. (here were tack e bo-es for each of us# ife preservers and other f oatation ob.ects# a coo er of unch and pop# fishing rods and ree s# and a boat motor. 3e used my father9s father9s motor because my father9s had been cracked in an accident in 8anada. (hey were otherwise identica # more or ess# about fifteen horsepower. (he drive was one of my most p easant at that age. 2t the ake# usua y Deep Bake# we wou d register at Dwyer9s =esort# where there were renta fishing boats. 3e9d carry a the e+uipment from the car to the boat and set off. 3e caught b uegi s# crappies# and perch# most y. Eccasiona y there were other odd varieties# one with a rea y evi ooking c aw ike .aw. I wou d man the anchor in the front of the boat. Dave wou d man the wire basket that hung in the water and he d the fish we caught. Dad wou d man the motor and genera y direct the operation. 3e spent the who e day fishing. 2t the end of the day we9d come back to the resort and my father wou d go into the bar and have a drink. (hen we9d un oad the boat# pi e everything in the car# and hit the road to come home. 2t home my father wou d c ean a the fish# which means he scraped off the sca es# cut the head off# sp it the be y# and gutted them. 'ometimes he wou d fi et them a so# which was more comp icated. Cou had to grab the tai and force the knife up the skin without disturbing the f esh. >y father had worked once in a fish market and earned how to do a this. <ishing was grand fun. item%%5D;< During the summer I wou d go with my fishing rod and tack e and a bucket to Bake ; yn and fish. (here were go d carp# dark carp# and b uegi s%%sma stuff# not for consumption. (here was a ways a crowd of boys there fishing. In the winter the ake wou d free/e over and skating was very popu ar. :sua y my parents got me hockey skates but I admired the racers and asked for racing skates and one year they buck ed in and got me those. item%%55<6 Ene day my mother took us to the ake to skate and dropped us off and eft. >oments ater I discovered I had eft my mittens in the car and became frantic. I didn9t ike co d hands. I raced to the other side of

the park to try to catch my mother eaving and saw her car so I started to ye at her# but she didn9t hear and eft. 2s I was scramb ing I fe in the snow# dropping a my money# so my desperation ed to worse desperation. I found a dime in the snow# though# and went into the boat house# where there were concessions# and ca ed home to ask my mother to get me out of troub e. I suppose I wanted her to make an e-tra trip .ust to get my mittens to me. 'he didn9t ob ige. It was most y a matter of me wanting her to fi- ca amity by magica power. item%%;"02 >y mother got me a money bo- once when I tended to have a coup e do ars saved and I started the habit of recording my money on hand# noting the +uanities for every denomination coin and bi . Ene day when I was checking the money against the record# which I wou d do every so often .ust because it seemed the right thing to do# I found a discrepancy of a coup e do ars. I got disoriented to think my brother might have done this as he had never been caught doing something ike that before. I went to my mother and presented evidence of the record vs. actua and she took it up with Dave. I didn9t see what happened ne-t but pretty soon thereafter my mother informed me she had gotten the money back from Dave. 'he said she found it in the front vestibu e. 8onfusing information# I thought# but I fe t that my habit of keeping records had proven itse f of va ue in anyone9s eyes. >y re ationship with Dave was a ready very coo so this incident had itt e effect over the ong term. I probab y was a itt e too aggressive when I first went to my mother# but better that than getting into a fight with Dave. (he proper term for my re ationship with Dave was probab y not coo # but aisse/ faire. item%%"866 I had two friends west of us on $i side# Brian ;ck# younger than me# and Aenny Esborn# o der than me. Brian and I didn9t hang around much but we were friend y. $is o der sister9s name was ;mi ie. Aenny and I did hang around together a ot. >y mother was good friends with his mother and kept abreast of everything going on between her kids and theirs. >y sister 'andy p ayed with Aenny9s younger sister# Jane. (he mother9s name was $arriet and the father9s Aen. (here was an o der sister named 8aro 2nn. Aen senior bui t in their backyard a p ay barn for Aenny and a do house for Jane. Doing in the barn was fun. Aenny and I wou d erect a tent in his backyard and stay in it a night. 3e9d p ay mischievous tricks on his parents over night by attaching a string to the house and rubbing it with resin to send screetches through the house# at east this is what Aenny said it did. 3hen it wou d rain and we were tenting Aenny wou d sea eaks with wa- from a burning cand e. 3e9d sit in the tent and isten to Dick Biondi on a transistor radio ate into the night. Aenny9s father was a printer and he had a working printing press in their basement that Aenny was a owed to use. I witnessed how he wou d put together type onto a frame# and watched him work the press. $e made a stack of custom notepaper for my mother. (he Esborns were baptists. I went with Aenny regu ar y to a youth program ca ed 'tockades. It was ike scouts# with a handbook. 3e wou d p ay batt e ba # which is a game p ayed on a arge court where you throw a ba at the opposing team and they get e iminated if you hit them or you get e iminated if they catch your throw# in the church basement. Bi 'transky# who became the first string heavyweight wrest er in high schoo # was a member of 'tockades.

8aro 2nn got married in the church and my fami y was invited. (hey had s oppy .oes for the dinner after the ceremony. It was a big wedding. Aenny was interested in e ectronics and bui t some devices from intructions# something ike $eathkit or maybe e-act y that. $e took me through the process of ordering a microminiature microphone for one of his devices. 2 this work he did in his bedroom. item%%"2D2 I had a friend named >ike $odge who ived on the corner of $i side and Bryant. $e had an o der sister named Barbara and a younger brother. $is father Bart was a &h.D. in something and smoked a pipe. (he $odge chi dren once organi/ed the neighborhood chi dren in a sort of E ympics ath etic competition on their front awn. I didn9t participate. I thought it too cute. item%%D568 I had a friend in the fifth grade named >ike D92ddio. $e iked to do drawings of f y torturing machines of his own devising. (hey were very inventive%%vats of boi ing oi # conveyor be ts# and so on. >y schoo day pastime was drawings of airp ane batt es. >ike and I# at >ike9s suggestion# memori/ed a hand code for the etters of ;ng ish# out of some reference book# and we wou d ta k to each other in this code whi e the teacher was teaching. item%%D264 >ike D92ddio had a way of speaking that was kind of a mi- of humming and aughing# kind of ike my ; mhurst friend Bobby 'id o did but more with the aughing. >ike was a very high energy guy# very outgoing and friend y. item%%B443 In the fifth grade we had a reader system that used bright co ors to designate achievement eve s. (hese co ors stimu ated me to work hard and move up the sca e. item%%34"1 Ene day in the fifth grade when I had a itt e spare time I decided I wou d create my own math operation. It was an operation with three arguments. Cou add the sencond to the first and subtract the third from that sum. I put a p us sign on top of a minus sign to mark the operation. 7ot very deep# but I was not e-act y immersed in any great attention on my math work so this counted as c asswork# in my thinking. I took it up and stood in ine at the teacher# >rs. =end er9s desk%%what other students were ta king to her about is anybody9s guess%%and when I got up to her I showed it to her. 'he said something ike# 0that9s very nice# Jimmy.0 and she was done with it. I fe t my work had been given the fina ity of the waste bin. I didn9t try to work out any of the structure that might enab e this operation to be done with mu tidigit arguments. (here probab y isn9t any. item%%1208 (here was a fami y with some chi dren iving in the house behind us on $i 2venue. (heir name was Aant. (he parents were Aen and Jane. Aen was a ieutenant in the town9s po ice force and its .uveni e officer. (he chi dren# in order# were Aen# (om# Barbara# and (odd. Aen was +uite responsib e. (om was a wi d one. Barbara was cute and sassy but somewhat on a imb and a ways on the go. (odd was a bit bothered. Barbara ca ed him 0(oad.0 (hey had an affectionate dog they ca ed Bouncer# fitting y# as he

was a ways bounding about with arge movements. (he father was very discip ined. (hey bui t an addition onto their house and the new garage had an entrance from the backyard. Aen tried to hypnoti/e me and fai ed. $e worked a bicyc e ice cream cart. 2n untime y death fe upon him. (om and I p ayed some poo in their basement. >y age fe between (om and Barbara. 1"52 04 15 1 03 36 1! segment 1"00 1"52 11 1" 0 05 40 46

@@item%%?8"2 1"52 0" to 1"53 05 2ttended the si-th grade at Ben.amin <rank in ; ementary 'choo in D en ; yn# IB. >y teacher was a young woman named >iss 'nowbrich. sub%item%%5636 (he c assroom was ocated on the second f oor# far 'outh wing# very 'outh end of the ha # door on the right# or 3est side. It was the same c assroom where I had been for the fourth grade with >rs. $ar an. sub%item%%3D8B >iss 'nowbrich wou d p ay bounce%or%f y softba with us at recess. 'he did .ust the hitting not the fie ding. sub%item%%;"6B >iss 'nowbrich wou d read books to us. Ene was >ade eine B9;ng e9s award%winning 2 3rinke in (ime. It had a physics theme in that the itt e gir who was the heroine trave ed by some physics trick in space and time. $er father was a government emp oyee working on the secret pro.ect to contro this trick# and he mysterious y appeared in one of the gir 9s adventures. (his was the first book I rea y en.oyed. (he idea that a chi d cou d get into danger and it be made into a story worth recounting was what drew me to it. sub%item%%3"26 Ji ;ngher ,spe ingF* was in the c ass. 2 pretty b ond# I knew her from being in the band together. I p ayed c arinet. 'he p ayed the tenor sa-ophone. 'he was tops among the gir s I was attracted to# most y because she was known for her musica ta ent and was +uite popu ar. I never got the nerve to approach her in any way and she never said anything to me or even ooked at me# to my notice. (hey had a competition in band# for those who wanted# to direct the band. Ji p aced and a ways wore the sa-ophone pin she won thereafter. (his increased her attractiveness to me# but a so her unattainab eness. En tour with the band in the seventh grade they had a party for band members. I saw Ji there and was fi ed with dread for what wou d happen if I approached her and ta ked to her. I terrib y wanted to do it# but was very far from deciding to do it# and didn9t. (here was a ha way outside the party room with chairs a a ong the wa s and that was where I saw Ji and fe t the dread. In the eighth grade the band tour went to >ichigan and did a concert at the schoo where Ji 9s fami y

had moved to. (hey ca ed her down to p ay with the band. It was a tribute to her popu arity when she was in our band. I fe t terrib y unworthy of her when this happened. sub%item%%12!5 'i-th grade was the first grade I was in that had tracks for the different eve s of students9 mathematics ski s. I was in the top track and found that math was emerging as my specia area of e-ce ence. sub%item%%3282 3e were assigned at one point to groups of three students to se ect and perform a science e-periment. Ene of my partners was Jim Bush# who had sort of a nerd reputation but was a very friend y ta kative guy. $e definite y knew a ot about science. 3e did the e-periment at Jim9s house# maybe in his basement or maybe in his garage. 3hichever# it was kind of ike a workshop. 'etting the e-periment up so that it gave us good resu ts was a cha enge the three of us took on +uite cooperative y. (he e-periment we chose to do# which we found in some or other reference# was to put some g ass in a vise# spread iron fi ings on the g ass# and rub something on the g ass to make a stress pattern of the iron fi ings on the g ass. It was kind of interesting# but working together was .ust as interesting. I observed Jim9s socia ski s carefu y because if he was ab e to converse amiab y in genera # rather than .ust about science# he wou d have been a good friend to have# with his know edge of science. $owever# I found him firm y focused on science in a ways and so I decided not to pursue a freindship with him. (he who e matter was very ow key. In the present day I had occasion to communicate with him on ine and found him sti +uite friend y. item%%"3D3 I remember the 3eek y =eader in si-th grade c ass much more vivid y than other years. In particu ar it had stories about current events around the wor d. (he typography was notab y c ear and distinguished. item%%2?21 >y sib ings and I a received fifty do ar :.'. savings bonds from our mother9s mother# Betty 3i t. >ine went into a savings account at D en ; yn 'avings and Boan. $owever# I spent it very soon on a three%speed bicyc e. I rationa i/ed this e-penditure as an investment in my .ob c eaning my father9s beauty sa on. (his was a vacuous rationa i/ation# since I was getting to work ade+uate y by wa king. I had to assemb e the bicyc e. >y brother Dave a so got a three%speed bicyc e. I don9t know if he had to use his savings bond to get it. $is bicyc e went into disuse. item%%1<<3 2nother gift I got from my grandmother# Betty 3i t# one she gave to my sister 'andy a so# was about G2! in si ver do ars. (hese were huge and heavy. 'he a so gave my sister and me each a co ection book for Binco n cents. I active y worked on mine. 'he gave me# but not 'andy# a co ection book of stamps and a bag of internationa stamps as a starter. I did some work on this. (here were itt e icked adhesive ce ophanes you put on the back of the stamp to secure it in its p ace in the book. item%%824; >y parents he d an annua 7ew Cear9s ;ve party for do/ens of their friends. (hey served a coho . (hey asted a night and my father9s sister9s husband Ben wou d fi- breakfast for everyone. $is son# >ark# was bartender at the bar my father had bui t in the basement.

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segment 2000

1"53 05 23 1 0" 44 1"

item%%2?<; 3hi e I put my emphasis in p aying care ess y outdoors in ; mhust# in D en ; yn I went about my p ay outdoors in a more thoughtfu # scientific fashion. (here was a sp it og pi e in the two foot wide space between the garage and the property ine where there was a ong row of bushes and I discovered a the ife revea ed when you picked up a og that had been on the ground for a ong time. It was a somewhat scarey adventure because I didn9t know if any of the bugs had a poisonous bite and I assumed the worst. I investigated their behavior when disturbed and some of them I took up to my bedroom for disecting. >y bedroom became a aboratory. >y parents had bought me a sma disecting kit and a sma microscope with s ides so I was outfitted for a itt e scientific study. (here was a book in the fami y ibrary ca ed #cience in $our %&n Backyard. It had a ot of suggestions about where and what you cou d find in the yard# and how you cou d investigate it. I had a habit of going out on the grass and peering into it# searching for ife. In some book I found instructions for constructing your own ba ance out of a mi k bott e and other materia . Ence I bui t this it gave me hours of satisfying e-periments# .ust in ca ibrating the device using different engths of paper stap es as weights. 2 itt e ess fun was the chemistry set my parents bought me. I rea y didn9t get the point of chemistry and performed the e-periments with p odding attention to form# earning nothing. It was at this time that I deve oped my interest in astronomy. It remained most y from books as I never had a good te escope. >y parents bought me a te escope but it was rea y a toy# despite it having an aperture of a coup e inches. It was a refractor. >y father9s mother promised she wou d get me a te escope. 3hen my grandparents arrived in their car I ran out to see what the te escope was ike and I was crestfa en to see her with an ob.ect in her hands that didn9t ook at a ike a te escope. It turned out to be a mi itary gunsight# with a front ens that was much sma er than the eyepiece ens. It had a rubber head cushion that fit on the eyepiece end. :ndoubted y she had picked it up at an army surp us store. 'he was an e-perienced bargain shopper. :nfortunate y# this bargain was of no use in ooking at stars. It had no mount so it had to be he d in the hands. (he fie d of view was scored with a range finding reticu e. (he on y fun I got out of it was viewing down the b ock outside our front yard. item%%5?1" I think it was on more than one occasion that I ed my sib ings on a snaking sing e fi e parade about the house banging pan covers together as the beat of the cymba s whi e I hummed a med ay of John &hi ip 'ousa marches. Eur mother was present and most y ignored the racket. 'he wasn9t aware of how powerfu a statement it was of space and the spread of our nascent minds into it. I suppose it was a kind of an e-orcism of a the i fee ings between our parents on po itica issues# fee ings that were being stuffed away and denied when they weren9t f aring.

item%%0484 >y father9s parents9 home was in 7apervi e# IB# which is not far from D en ; yn so we went there to visit somewhat often. It was a one%storey modern ranch house with a basement on about a ha f%acre# with front and back ots of about e+ua si/e. (he house was in a recent deve opment ca ed Burr Eaks# named for its arge popu ation of o d oak trees. (here were about five such arge oaks on my grandparents9 ot. ;ach was andscaped into a we %manicured we with an outside wa of cinder b ocks# deep inside and sha ow# and near y f ush with the ground# out. (heir ocations were even y spread out. (he back yard had a concrete patio of some ten by twenty meters# eading to a arge garden. 'urrounding the back ot was an e-tended forest of new tree growth# of which there was a ot here and there in the deve opment. Ene of the nearby properties had a sma pond in back. >y grandmother once won an award for the who e of their property9s p antings from some or other organi/ation# maybe a garden maga/ine. Inside the house there was a two%car garage and a fu comp ement of iving spaces# inc uding a arge iving room and a sewing room# and two bedrooms. (here was a chute for aundry eading to the basement. (he basement had a ot of p ants growing under ights# and a coup e of rooms inc uding a workshop. >ost of the basement was one open space and on one part of the f oor were various artic es of nondescript hardware. Ence in a ong whi e at the end of a visit on a 'aturday my grandmother wou d invite me to stay overnight and spend the day 'unday. I got to run the se f%prope ed# seated awn mower on these occasions# .ust in the arge front yard. $o iday parties at this house were great fun# with our fami y# my father9s sister9s fami y# and some odd unc es and aunts of my father. In the summer there was corn%on%the%cob# soaked and roasted. In the winter there was a ong row of tab es for a feast in the basement. 'ometimes there was a >e-ican piNata# a paper%mache do stuffed with candy and hung from the basement cei ing so that the chi dren cou d be b indfo ded and try to hit it and break it with a stck. (he adu ts wou d drive us mad by using a hook to pu the piNata out of the path of our swings with the stick. 1"53 05 23 1 0" 44 1" segment 2100 1"54 01 25 1 00 46 !2

@@item%%06B" 1"53 0" to 1"5! 05 2ttended D en ; yn Junior $igh ,now $ad ey J.$.* in D en ; yn# IB# for seventh and eighth grades. sub%item%%;<30 En the first day of .unior high before c asses we received our c ass assignments on a card. $onors c asses were high ighted in green and I had four of them# the ma-imum. sub%item%%226< I identified a gir in my honors math c ass as a person I cou d be happy being associated with as mate. $er name was Aaren $uenemann. Ouite pretty# but unaffected. Eutgoing and soft y spoken. 7ot of the same ight mind as mine# but no one in our age cohort and schoo was# mathematica y. 'he was in the honors c ass# so she was smart enough to understand how smart I was. 7ot a .oiner. $er father was the

presbyterian minister in town. (he first chance I had to make a move on her I took it. I was at a schoo dance one night and my path came across hers in the area .ust outside the gym and a the dancers. I didn9t say anything I reca # but offerred her a sma schoo photo of myse f. I figured if she was interested in me she wou d want to have it. 'he said no# she didn9t want it. (hat was it. I knew then she didn9t think as much of me as I thought of her. >y heart wasn9t brokenM it was smacked right to the core. I have ref ected on a the ordea s I have gone through in ife and I have come to the conc usion that it has been a matter of a ways trying to achieve the most a human cou d achieve# for the so e purpose of proving myse f of such a type that Aaren9s re.ection of me must have been poor .udgment. It was a crisis of my estimation of peop e. >y high opinion of her was in direct opposition to her fai ure to recogni/e me as worthy of her. 'omething in the ogica connection was in error. >y abstract mind had to ock onto the greatest distance possib e to ocate the error. 2 my ambitions were transformed# instant y raising my sights in terms of the emotiona maturity of my age at the time. 2s a resu t# my emotiona deve opment came to a comp ete ha t# whi e my menta de iberations acce erated into a search for achievement possibi ities. 7othing I did after that wou d satisfy this purpose# though each achievement was pursued with fu devotion# insofar as my youthfu emotions cou d manage. It was a so entire y unconscious. I didn9t identify her as the reason I strived so much# not unti recent y. (he first evidence of this need to achieve was my decision that I wanted to go outside my habitua c inging to studies as my ma.or focus# and to try to reach any one of the three top student positions in high schoo # such as I considered them. (hese were president of the student government# top editor of the yearbook# and top editor of the schoo newspaper. 3hen I became top editor of the schoo newspaper# and had been in office for some time# I got a etter to the editor from Aaren# who had moved away some time ago. 'he comp imented me on the work I was doing as editor. 2t the time I had not identified her as the reason I origina y tried to become editor. I took the etter with the emotiona maturity of the much younger person. I scorned it. I figured she was trying to apo ogi/e for making a mistake in .unior high. But the fact that her first reaction to my interest was negative c osed the book on her# so her virtua apo ogy was moot. I got into Ca e# sti wanting to prove the point# but even moreso. (hen# when I was working to become an architect in 8ambridge# >2# I sti wanted to prove it# be ieving I was destined to become the greatest architect of the 20th century. But whi e I did we with ado escent achievement# I did not do we with professiona achievement. (he emotiona demands were too much for the ado escent motive for my drive. I became menta y i . But sti this wasn9t enough. 2fter a # I sti wanted to prove something. I pushed home essness to the very imit# and saw the fire that >oses saw# with graduate architecture schoo done on the way. I suppose I had in the back of my mind the fact that Aaren9s father was a minister# and I needed to beat that to prove something to Aaren. (his motive kept me pushing no matter what dire circumstances

befe me. Ouite a nice determination# in a way. =ef ecting on what I .ust wrote in this sub%item# it wou d seem probab e that the first step with Aaren wou d have been f irting# something ow%key because that9s a I wou d have been ab e to do. Effering her my photo wou d have presumed some prior interchange of sentiments. (he fact that she comp imented me on my conduct on the newspaper says she remembered the event to some degree or other# and this indicates I did make a mark that anything more appropriate wou d not have made. I was taking a chance that the affection was mutua and I think it is possib e we both were s ighted by that not being the case. sub%item%%156; During .unior high when I was in the senior band I was to d that 8andice 3oods# a trumpet p ayer high in the section# had a crush on me. Bike Bisa >artins# who had a crush on me in e ementary schoo # see segment 1600# item id 4628# I didn9t consider her someone I wou d have pursued on my own impu se# so I didn9t encourage her. 'he never betrayed an attraction# but .unior high was a pretty arge wor d and we were never in any situations of c ose pro-imity where it might have been obvious. 'he was a +uiet gir # b ond# and a hard worker. 'he might have been good company for me. 3e9 never know. item%%!;"" :p to the si-th grade we had had the same teacher a day. In .unior high each sub.ect was taught by a different teacher and we wa ked the ha s between c asses when the be s rang. I oved this more active idea of studying. <or one thing# you met a ot more peop e. item%%6""2 ;ach grade term we got report cards# a separate card for each c ass. (he cards were co ored and about five inches by eight. (hey came in an enve ope. >uch more was made of good grades than before that. (hey had an honor ro # one for a 2s and one for a 2s and Bs# and there was a convocation in the gym for the who e grade cohort in which the honor students were feted. (he straight 2 students were given the additiona honor of having seats for them on the stage. I didn9t have a perfect record# but a most# and was usua y on the stage. Drades were of two types# and each c ass gave you one of each. Ene was for achievement and the other was for effort. ;ffort grades were given appreciation e+ua to achievement grades%%both had their honor ro s. I9m not sure what effect this had on my inte ectua deve opment# but I rather think of it being a oss. It detracted .ust a bit from the deve opment of a winning academic strategy# and cu tured the notion that we were sti chi dren. I suppose at that age this was a po icy with some .ustification. 2t the time I .ust accepted it# without +uestion or deep thoughts. item%%B6?8 Basketba was the biggest sport in .unior high. (he p ayers on the interscho astic team seemed to me to have the highest esteem in the schoo # in genera # not .ust as ath etes# despite the honors convocations. >y biggest scho astic riva # Jon 2stroth# was one of the best basketba p ayers# and I he d him in a sort of angu ar awe for that. item%%!825 (he most popu ar gir s were the cheer eaders. (hey seemed to have been se ected for their beauty besides their gymnastic abi ity and persona verve. I never had much appreciation for the difficu ty of

cheer eading. It wou d seem this ref ected my specia i/ed ta ents%%academic and not ath etic. item%%1658 2 though the record shows me to have participated in intramura footba my on y reca of it is a fu//y comprehension of the ath etic fie d as a p ace of meeting for boys. item%%556< I discovered in gym c ass that I was a good wrest er. I came out on top of my gym c ass in my weight division and advanced to the schoo championship matches. >y first and on y championship match was with Jon 2stroth# and he pinned me in about ten seconds. (here was a big crowd of students and parents there in the activity room where it was he d# and I remember seeing Jon9s father# though how I knew it was him I don9t know. >ine was not there and I fe t deprived and dishonored for it# as much as for osing my match so resounding y. 2 though the match was short it ta-ed my recovery abi ities tremendous y because he e-p oded with motion at the opening whist e and I had to instant y revise my estimate of what it wou d take against him. Bater that day# in math c ass# the e-haustion got to my digestive system and I became nauseous. I raised my hand and asked to be e-cused to go to the nurse9s office. I said that Jim 8ondon# who sat there in c ass near me# wou d know why. Jim e-p ained that I had had a wrest ing match that day. I went to the nurse but I think my stomach ca med down by then# if I reca correct y. I was g ad to be ab e to et the math c ass know I had some ath etic ta ent after a . (hat was more important than any temporary i ness. I was particu ar y hopefu that the gir s wou d take note. item%%36<D 2rt was a fu c ass. >rs. >i er# an attractive# pert b ond ady# was the teacher. I didn9t fee I was e-pecia y outstanding as an artist but I did do a creditab e .ob drawing a sma artifact# one of our assigned tasks. >y work was not ess than others9. I got an 2 on an assignment to create an origina sty e for the 25 etters. I put two hori/onta bars through their centers. item%%8!52 >y seventh grade ;ng ish teacher was >rs. >a-we . It was an honors c ass. 'he had us go into groups of four to write and enact sma p ays. >y group inc uded Baurie 'tarrett# Dave (urn+uist# and Jodie 'inde ar. I was made eader by >rs. >a-we . I forget the content of the p ay we wrote but >rs. >a-we iked our performance. 'he commented that Baurie had very ski fu y gotten out of the scene after she was 0ki ed0. >rs. >a-we attributed our success to my eadership and made me a eader of one of the three teams in the ne-t segment of writing a p ay. I don9t reca how this arger group of mine went. Jodie is now a professor of pub ic hea th at Ca e# where I got my first B.2. 3e a so had a spe ing bee in the c ass. I didn9t win. Ene of the students in c ass# Dave =istau# had an uncha engab e reputation as a hood um. $e had a stern# unf appab e# very adu t demeanor# and dressed we # with a somewhat f amboyant hairsty e.

Ene day >rs. >a-we saw him do something in the back of the room where he sat and she commented to him something very adu t and bo ted from the room# ostensib y to report him in the principa 9s office. (he assassination of then &resident Aennedy was announced in this c ass over the &.2. system. It is a suspicion of mine that my materna grandmother >arie 'mach# when she got information about how we I was doing in .unior high math# and how we I was doing in band as we # determined that I was :.'. presidentia materia and went into action with her 8/ech network# which was communist at the time# to do everything necessary to make it happen. 'he got me a game for 8hristmas ca ed 3ff in &roof# c ear y a take on Ca e9s singing group the 3hiffenpoofs# and this set me on the tra.ectory to attend Ca e# a power in music education. (hey a so purchased an interest in the ine of presidents by having John Aennedy ki ed. 2 this went wrong when they discovered me cross dressing again. (he money was spent# and I did go to Ca e# but the reinforcements never arrived and I became menta y i . 2 this was within the p anning vista of bacteria intending to make an osiris out of me. item%%2"1! 2side from ;ng ish# I on y have memories of .unor high c asses in which I cannot distinguish between seventh and eighth grades. 'hop and gym were taught in a ternation by two teachers# so that one c ass had the same teacher in seventh and eighth grades but it was a different teacher for two ad.oining c asses. (he two gym teachers of my era were 'teve Coder and ;dwin Boppre# my teacher. (he two shop teachers were >r. Doy e and >r. Jorick# my teacher. 3e had a mechanica drawing unit in shop in which >r. Jorick wrote on my ast drawing# 08ongratu ations# JimI Cou have the best mechanica drawing record of over 200 drawing students.0 (here were a so units in meta work and wood work. <or wood work we chose a p an out of a arge set of pro.ect p ans. I chose a bookshe f that had tiered she f si/es# about si- feet ong in the ongest# bottom tier. (here was a arge comp ement of machinery in the shop# and a ong# dark storage space with umber. (here were a so desks for the students. In meta working# we had a number of e-ercises in addressing the many tasks of working on a bar of stee %%fi ing# dri ing# and riveting. (hen we chose a pro.ect to do. >ine was a hotdog skewer in a uminum# with a doub e pronged spear from a sharpened rod bent into a :%shape. <or two weeks the boys in shop and the gir s in home economics switched c asses# so we got two weeks of home economics. 3e earned how to prepare hamburger meat to put on bread and toast in the oven. (hat9s a I remember. I did it at home for my fami y once. 2s I reca # our home ec teacher9s name was >rs. =ichardson. In gym c ass# whenever there was no snow on the ground# we wou d start the c ass with an ??0 yard run around the p aying fie d. 3e were the first c ass of the day so it was rea y co d. I took it with difficu ty and had very itt e stamina. But one day I decided to take a bo d step. 2t the opening whist e I burst into the ead# not knowing how

ong I cou d keep it. I did keep it for ha f the race# which was something of a discovery for me. 2t the ha f way point Aen &ope.oy overtook me. $e wou d become the state champion cross country runner in high schoo . (hen more and more runners passed me# but sti # I finished way ahead of where I had been finishing usua y. It was a esson in pushing myse f. <rom then on my times continued to improve. 2t one point in gym c ass we were tested in push%ups and so on and a of us were encouraged to work on push%ups at home to boost our abi ity. I took this serious y and made a record of the number of push% ups I did .ust before going to bed each night. I started out doing about ten and after a few weeks was doing !0. I had a method of a ways doing another attempt at a push%up if the ast one I had done was done comp ete y. >y ast one was a ways incomp ete and didn9t add to the score. 2 though I was myse f interested in science I rea y didn9t find science c ass to be of much specia interest. (he on y c ass I remember was one in which we were given b ack bo-es with something in them and by doing tests we thought up we were supposed to try and figure out what was in them and how it was attached. 3e went around the room to various stations with different bo-es. >r. De8amp was the science teacher. (he on y memory I have of socia studies c ass was the unit on the :.'. 8onstitution. 3e had a workbook on it. &assing a test on it was a re+uirement for graduation from .unior high# probab y a state re+uirement. Eur teacher9s name was >r. Aing. >y eighth grade ;ng ish teacher was >rs. 'treet. It was for her c ass that I first had to stay up past midnight to comp ete a homework assignment. I constructed a showbo- for the story ine of The Prince and the Pauper' In a shoebo- I cut out a window and on either side two rods with a ong ength of paper ro ed up on them on which I drew scenes from the book. 2fter this my hours tended fair y often to go past midnight# once I knew that was an option open to me. 8onse+uent y I began to dis ike getting up in the morning%%not enough s eep. >y father opposed my sacrifice of fami y boundaries for the sake of studies. $e once ca ed upstairs when it was past midnight and to d me I shou d set the work down and go to bed. I ignored him. Incomp etes were not an option. &issing off my father was. 2s it was# he didn9t repeat his admonition subse+uent y. Ene day >rs. 'treet came to me and asked if I wou d consent to read a poem I had written for c ass to the schoo board. I said yes. Ene other student# Barb Anous# was to read her poem a so. >ine was entit ed 0Books0. $ers was entit ed 07ight0. >y mother kept my origina poem on her wa unti her death# if I reca correct y. (hen my math teacher# >r. Bynn Auckuk# asked me to make a presentation to the schoo board of what we were doing in c ass. I said yes. 2t some point I mentioned to someone that I had been asked to appear before the schoo board by two teachers and when someone in charge found out they considered it too much for a student to do# whether it was too much work or too much honor I don9t know. (hey made it sound ike the issue was work but I sensed they were .ust trying to codd e me. (hey decided that >r. Auckuk wou d give the math presentation in my p ace. (he math and the ;ng ish were both for the same meeting. I was miffed at them for denying me a math honor# but I had no disputation e-perience so I .ust accepted it. (he high point of math c ass was the day we earned the basis of a gebra%%the identity# commutative# associative# and distributive properties. It was a new perspective on how much importance cou d

emerge from a sing e character. $ere is the identity property) aPa It means that no matter where a character is p aced# if it is the same character it has the same va ue. item%%1518 In gym c ass during a game of basketba I had an in.ury. (here was a fast break and a who e horde of guys ran in a pack from one basket to the other. During the running I ost my ba ance due to the comp e-ity of the group of boys and fe . I was taken to a hospita or c inic and was diagnosed with a green ine fracture of my co arbone# or c avic e. It was painfu for a few weeks and I wore a s ing for that time# then it was hea ed. In gym c ass we were e-pected upon an occasion to c imb a rope from the f oor to the gym cei ing. I succeeded. It was a thick# knar y rope such as I had never seen before. 3e were a introduced to each other9s naked bodies for the first time in showers in .unior high. It was treated e+ua y by a of us as a norma thing. 2 most everyone had pubic hair by that time# maybe everyone. ;very c ass we a waited in the gym# gir s segregated from boys# for the be to ring at the end of c ass for us to go to our ne-t c asses. (he gym was used by both boys and gir s# who had separate ocker rooms and showers# the gir s to the ;ast# on the 'outh side# the boys to the 3est# 'outh side by the stage. Ence >r. Boppre caught Dave =istau doing something naughty and ye ed something adu t at him. (his stood out g aring y in gym c ass. >r. Boppre cou d be sharp. Dave was a ways doing something under the tab e# for unseeab e reasons. item%%225! I hadn9t pursued cross dressing since ; mhurst but one day when I was at home a one I happened to think of it and it made me e-cited so I went into my mother9s bedroom and did it. (hen one day I did it in the basement when everyone was e sewhere in the house. En this occasion what was the most remarkab e thing to me happened. I had an e.acu ation. 2s it was happening I was fi ed with the most into-icating sense of power. Ef course I didn9t want to make a mess that wou d be found by my mother and this comp icated the e-perience by forcing me to attempt to stop the e.acu ation. But the idea that I cou d do this in secret and have that into-icating fee ing more often was irresistab e to me. I started to attempt it fair y often and used c ean o d rags tied with a rag fi iment around my penis to keep the semen from getting on the garment. Because I had never heard anyone ta k about such a body event I thought perhaps I was the on y person to whom it had ever happened. (his started a time when I wou d do it fair y often for a whi e# then stop for a whi e# then start again. (hen one day when no one was home and I was doing it in my mother9s bedroom the car came in the

driveway and it was my mother returning. I scramb ed to reverse my steps but whi e I was doing so my mother came into her bedroom and found me. I desperate y tried to hide behind a .og in the ine of dressers that was three inches thick. 'he became distraught and tearfu and to d me to never do it again or she wou d te my father. Ef course I kept doing it. (hen one weekend my fami y took a vacation into downtown 8hicago# with a hote stay# without inviting me. $ow I got mea s I don9t know. But natura y I did some cross dressing. 3as this a set upF 3as it a test of my wi to obey my mother and avoid my father being to dF $ard to say. If so# the pena ty I incurred was not made known to me. item%%;2?? During .unior high schoo my parents sent me to ba room dance c asses at Bobby =ivers9s dance studio in D en ; yn. Ene week the seventh graders met and a ternate weeks the eighth graders met# so it was usua y ca ed 0fortnighters0. ;very so ofter they had a dance compettition. Ence my partner# Barb Aramer# and I tied with (om Divens and his partner for first p ace. (he pri/e for a of us was our choice of an a bum among those on hand by Bobby =ivers in the studio. >y choice was 0(he Dame of Bove0 by 3ayne <onatna and the >indbenders. (om worked for the studio as an assistant teacherr. item%%;2"< (he .unior high schoo had an evening dance and they had a contest where coup es wou d be e iminated by being tapped by the facu ty .udges and having to eave the f oor. I and my partner# Aathy =ahm# were the ast coup e on the f oor. (he pri/e was a gift certificate for both of us at the record shop in D en ; yn# enough for one 4! rpm disk. I chose &etu a 8 ark9s 0Downtown0 and 0Jack and John0. 3hen I saw Aathy on the corner of &ark and 8rescent# by what was then Aen H 3i 9s gas station# I asked her what she had chosen. I tried not to get invo ved with her as she didn9t occupy my mind as one of the more desireab e gir s from appearances# and I don9t reca what her answer was. 'he was in my honors math c ass. item%%28"1 Ene day I happened to buy a ticket to the show at the D en (heatre in town and wa king down the ais e to find a seat I ran into the gir of my dreams# Aaren $uenemann# and Aathy =ahm. 3e said he o and took three seats together. I despaired because Aaren was on the inside seat and I was on the outside seat# with Aathy between us. I accepted facts as they were and when we first sat down I p ayed handho d cat and mouse with Aathy# sort of pretending to strugg e for the one armrest between us and then finding a compromise of ho ding hands. 3e caressed each others9 hands througout the movie# what it was I forget now. I never fo owed up on this and I think 8athy understood that I was not ready to get invo ved with her from my genera behavior# despite ho ding hands with her that one time. Aaren was a itt e shorter than Aathy# more my si/e. 1"54 01 25 1 00 46 !2 segment 2200 1"54 0? 30 0 03 !1 24

item%%;D;2 It was in this appro-imate time period that an incident occurred between myse f and Baurie Di iam# the daughter of Da en Di iam# one of the barbers who had a shop across a seven foot divider with my

father9s beauty sa on. Baurie and her younger sister Janet had become p aymates with my sisters Bisa and Binda. (his was the idea of a their parents and it worked out very nice y. 'ometimes they p ayed at our house and sometimes at the Di iam9s house. Ene day when they were at our house# I happened to be wa king around the house# passing in front of the front picture window towards the northeast corner of the house where there was a three step stariway down. 2t the moment I got to the corner Baurie appeared coming from the opposite direction and running up the corner stairs# aughing and gig ing. 3ithout thinking about it I picked her up in my arms and ifted her as she continued to augh and gigg e. 3e both en.oyed this and I for one was confused about it since there was both something getting toward improper in it# because of our ages# and something natura and e-tending from having been aware of each other in the course of the gir s9 p ay history. I set her down as that seemed the thing to do and she ran off in good spirits. (hen a itt e ater when I was sitting on my bed in my bedroom Baurie appeared at the door of the bedroom. 3e didn9t speak and we weren9t aughing. But she was interested in coming in and I was interested in having her come in. 'o she did come in and we were both immediate y in a situation of e-traordinary ambiguities. 'he came over with my tacit ascent and sat by the window on the sma edge there. I was sti on my bed ne-t to the window. 3e ta ked id y about I reca not what. (hen I decided we both wanted a itt e more than this and I took her in my arms and ay her on my ap in the bed# without any ob.ections from her. I wasn9t doing anything other than momentary spontaneity. I wasn9t thinking about the future. I stroked her hair and said it was nice# not intending anything more but wi ing to see if there was anything more. 'he said something about her mother. (his signa ed to me she was worried about the ambiguities. 'he must have wanted to remind me that her mother wou d be concerned about this itt e situation# a very inte igent move on her part# as it was not a remonstrance but a reaching out for mutua concern by both of us as e+ua parties to this unusua action. 'o that is essentia y as far as it went. (he particu ars I do not reca after that# e-cept that there was no discomfort and no shame. 2fter that things went on the same way they a ways had. In segment 4500# item id B533# Baurie and I went on a date to =avinia# the summer home of the 8hicago 'ymphony. item%%103B 3hen I was in .unior high I decided I needed to show my circ e of ac+uaintences I was ooking for a gir friend. (he perfect way# I thought# was to wear a ring I cou d give to her. 'o I bought a ster ing si ver ring monogrammed with the etter J. En y after buying it I found that I was embarrassed by the thought of everyone seeing my human side# and so I cou dn9t bear wearing it# and never did. 1"54 0? 30 0 03 !1 24 segment 2300 1"5! 04 03 1 05 !4 !5

item%%D21! D enn Davis ca ed me at home one night and proposed that he and I doub e date with Barbara Aramer

and Aathy Buginbi . It was a we come idea to me. D enn said ok# Aathy wi be your date. I thought of Aathy as the more socia y active of the two gir s# and a better catch# shou d that evo ve# so I was ok with that. I earned on ine recent y from Aathy that she and D enn had been c ose friends for a ong time before this date. 3e went to the carniva that comes to D en ; yn every year. I don9t know where I got money. >y parents never responded to occasiona needs ike that# so there never were any occasiona needs. 3e wa ked the who e date. 3hen the four of us emerged from the passage under the 8hicago 7orthwestern tracks# Aathy9s .acket was uminescent under the street ight. 3e noted it. 3e went on severa rides. I on y reca the 0ti t%a%whir 0. It had circu ar cars# with roofs# that moved in circ es inside circ es and dipped and dived. Aathy# in her on ine messages# said Barb got sick to her stomach on it and vomited. I don9t reca that. 3hen the date was over we dropped Barb off at her home. (hen we went to Aathy9s house and the three of us sat up a ong time ta king. (hey did a the ta king. I sat there thinking D enn was stea ing my date. (urns out# as I said# they were .ust ong%time good friends and ta king was natura for them. (his was my first date. item%%5262 2t the fina convocation of the eighth grade I was surprised by an announcement that there was an award for citi/enship sponsored by the 2merican Begion and that I had won honorab e mention to Aen &ope.oy9s taking the top award. Aen# to my eyes# was most noted as a distance runner. $owever# he was a very good student too# e-cept that I don9t reca him being honored for straight 29s as I was. In high schoo I heard that his c ass rank was somewhere in the top !0. I was ?th and !th. Aen9s father# 8har es# was a awyer of some distinction and that is the fie d Aen went into# with success as he became a .udge. $e had a nice gir friend in high schoo . I be ieve it was Bynn Bymie but I cou d be mistaken. (his 2merican Begion award was the first time I had been honored with distinction on the sca e of an entire schoo compound. 1"5! 04 03 1 05 !4 !5 segment 2400 1"5! 11 05 0 0" !? 2"

item%%0646 I be ieve it was during the summer of 1"5!# before freshman year at D enbard 3est $igh 'choo # that I was informed that I had been one of three boys from D enbard 3est chosen to go to what was ca ed Boys9 'tate. I inois was proud of having been the first state to have such a thing# and referred to it as &remier Boys9 'tate. (he other two boys se ected were Aen &ope.oy# who had been chosen number one 2merican Begion honoree for character in eighth grade whi e I had been chosen number two# and &ete Druenberg# who was a good itt e eague pitcher# was ike myse f on the wrest ing team at D enbard# and was in honors math and ;ng ish with me. Boys9 'tate was he d for one week in 'pringfie d# IB# the capita of the state. 3e were bussed in. <or that week we marched around a big parade grounds. Eur company%%I don9t reca how they decided how to constitute each company%%was captained by a young fe ow with some sort of an arm disabi ity and who was rea y stentorian in his orders as we marched a ong. 7ice fe ow# though.

(he other ma.or thing we did was run for mock offices# those that fe t ike it. (hey were a offices that were in the I inois state government# a three branches. Aen ran for chief .ustice of the state supreme court. I forget if he won but I think he didn9t. I ran for governor and ost. I9m not sure whether any other offices besides governor were given time to speak to the who e Boys9 'tate popu ation. >y speech was rea y pueri e. I got a do/en votes out of about 1000. (he winner wore a beard and was a big corpuscu ar guy. $is speech was boisterous. (he who e affair made a asting impression on me of how itt e sense peop e had in e-ercising their right to vote. I guess I thought conscientious pueri eness was a c ear better choice than unconscientious bu iness. I had a campaign manager# some guy who said he wou d do it. $e# and I# did nothing e-cept for my speech# and a ta k I had with the director. I ca ed myse f J. Budd Batek in the speech. Budd was supposed to stand for eadership and u and d and d something. I had never heard of the Buddites# a British po itica group of some degree of e-temism over the issue of mechani/ation in the Industria =evo ution. Effices had no duties whatsoever. I found this out when I went to the director and had a ta k about what the duties of governor were. $e didn9t say they had no duties. I .ust found there was nothing in what he said that I cou d c aim mastery over in any sense in my speech. 'o I said in my speech that I had spoken with the director about the office9s duties# not mentioning anything he had said. (he on y peop e I reca meeting were the marching captain# my campaign manager# and the director# and seeing# the guy who won for governor. It was hot# and no airconditioning. Duys weren9t in a mood to start po itica careers e-cept for a ot of b uster. I did what I cou d. item%%5;"6 (he week before freshman year at high schoo I attended twice dai y practices for the footba team. I chose the position of end. I wasn9t fast# so I cou dn9t be a back# and I wasn9t big# so I cou dn9t be a inesman. Jon 2stroth was the first string +uarterback. (here were three different ranked grades of the team. I was in the owest. It was sti a ot of fun. 3e got to p ay other schoo s. Jictory was a tremendous fee ing. >y tota p aying time# even though I was third string# amounted to probab y under one minute. 3hen they came my way in a big group I fe t terrib y inade+uate. I didn9t ook for who had the ba # I was .ust worried about not getting knocked down. I didn9t avoid contact. It was a very unusua fee ing in my ife# a sca e of physica cha enge I had never had before. @@item%%D546 1"5! 0" to 1"55 05 <reshman year at D enbard 3est $igh 'choo in D en ; yn# IB. (he schoo was ocated at 560 8rescent. on a modest hi top# arge for the region# beside a beautifu ake# Bake ; yn# and wooded park# .ust ;ast of downtown D en ; yn. Eur home was ocated at ?!! $i side 2venue. 'o I had a one%mi e wa k to schoo that passed under what was then the 8hicago 7orthwestern =ai road ine. (he underpass was a traffic sorespot because it was one ane through two tunne s. ;very time a car

came to pass through it had to stop and honk. 'ome of them raced through without worrying about whether there was a car coming through from the other side. <ortunate y# as far as I know there never was a crash. (hey converted one rai ine to a nature wa k ater%%the &rairie &ath%%and took out its bridge and made the arrangement a itt e safer by creating a second ane in the vacated space from which you cou d better see the other end of the remaining tunne when you stopped. (he atter is its current state# at this writing. sub%item%%D<D! Before the start of c asses freshman year we were given a book et with a the course offerings at the high schoo . It was apparent that I had some eeway in the courses I was re+uired to take and this itt e book was my guide to what was avai ab e. I remember being inspired by the variety of the courses and impressed with the fact that they were a organi/ed into a sing e document covering four years. (his was something new to me. It presaged the course of study book at Ca e when I went to co ege the first time# which a so inspired me. sub%item%%6228 2t the beginning of the schoo year my homeroom# the room where attendance was taken before c asses started each day# voted me their representative to student government# (he 'tudents9 Beague. I conducted myse f conscientious y and neither great y won nor great y ost ground as a member of the schoo community. (here wasn9t a big budget%%pub ic schoo you know. sub%item%%B"D! ;ar y in the schoo year as I was wa king between schoo and home one day# it occurred to me I wou d be p eased if I cou d attain one of what I considered the three top student positions at the high schoo . (hese were# in no order ,or der# as I ca it... $ere is a note) I have found it usefu in my own bureau to be ab e to denote states of order succinct y. I took the word 0order0# removed the 0or0# and then started putting back r9s# as fo ows) der no order intended rder this order intended rrder some other order intended rrrder a random order imp ied rrrrder a orders referred to 'o if I have written# 2B# and then subse+uent y need to refer to its other order# B2# rather than erase it# I write ne-t to it# rrder. (he effects of the other forms are simi ar. (his gives me a much richer pa et of ogica structure in a very consise form. 7ow back to my commentary... (o repeat# ...the three top student positions at the high schoo . (hese were# in no order# ,der# as I ca it... &resident of the 'tudents9 Beague >anaging ;ditor of the yearbook >anaging ;ditor of the student newspaper I have recent y come to the conc usion that I decided to pursue this ambitious ob.ective because when

Aaren $uenemann# in .unior high# re.ected my romantic overture ,see segment 2100# item id 226<* I interior y committed an act of revo t from everything I was p anning on and decided to become as socia y significant as I cou d# to prove that she made a mistake. 3e # maybe so. It does# when app ied across the entire rest of my ife from then# answer some troub ing +uestions# such as why did I want to become the greatest architect of the twentieth century when there was at the time not a sing e scrap of evidence I had any specia ta ent for architecture whatsoever# and on y decided to become an architect because of the e-citement it stirred up in me# a basica y vague kind of foundation. (his is not an id e +uestion. I went psychotic apprenticing as an architect# and I have a ways been a very stab e kind of guy. It demands an attempt at understanding. Aaren $uenemann is proving to be a pretty good answer. Ef course it opens up the vast center of dispute# as I encounter it# of .ust why I reacted to her re.ection the way I did. But that goes beyond the scope of this commentary here on segment 2400. =egard ess of what my motives were# I did gain one of the three top student positions in high schoo # managing editor of the schoo newspaper# the D en Bard. <or how that was begun# see segment 2500# item id <6B;# and materia about how that went fo ows it# broad y but intermittent y. item%%?2B6 I took Batin freshman year with >iss Beffingwe # a ta ady with psoriasis# a ways scratching. (here was a senior gir named >argi E sen in the c ass who was very mature y attractive# with the accent on attractive. Dark hair# nice y done. 2nother nice gir in c ass was Janice >artin# a .unior. I .oined Batin c ub. 3e had parties they ca ed 'aturna ias# kind of ike food orgies# with big round oaves of bread and ots of honey. 3e a wore togas made from bed sheets. (he first two ines of the first Batin esson we had were 0Brittania est insula' (talia est paeninsula'0 item%%"02; <reshman and sophomore honors math was taught by D enn < ansburg. <reshman year we took a gebra and sophomore year it was geometry. I continued to be tops# especia y for geometry. 2t the beginning of the sophomore year >r. < ansburg said to the c ass that it wou d be wise for us to memori/e a the a-ioms and theorems# so that is what I did# taking my study ha s to do it in and it wasn9t easy# but it put me in good stead for the year. (he gir sitting ne-t to me in c ass# 'andy 8hiodo# was a ways asking me if there was a theorem for this or that# as it was easier for her than ooking it up in the te-t. 2t home during my off hours at my desk I deve oped a desire to discover a geometrica re ationship that no one had discovered before. I was inspired by the &ythagorean theorem. I constructed a sorts of e-p oratory figures with my drafting set# but nothing materia i/ed. I was a bit embarrassed by my fai ure as it indicated to me I was something of a di ettante# and so I never shared with anyone my attempts. item%%<25; In .unior high it had been decided by my counse ors that my p an to take honors bio ogy freshman year of high schoo was too much work for me# so they didn9t a ow it. Instead I had to take a very nonhonors course# genera science. 8onse+uent y I never took bio ogy in high schoo . Denera 'cience# taught by >r. <rench# was a matter of earning e-perimenta procedure# boi ing water

and such# and keeping accurate records. It was a time ki er. $owever there was a gir in c ass I carried on a f irtation with# named Joe en Aennedy. 'he was ta # had ong dark hair# and I was e-treme y attracted to her. >y prob em was money. (here was nothing I cou d p an to do with her because I had no money. I shou d have .ust invited her to my home to meet my parents and et things fo ow from there. $indsight. 3hat I did do was wa k with her. 2fter c ass I was a ways facing the cha enge of getting up the courage to id e up to her and accompany her in the ha way eaving science c ass. 'he never ob.ected# but we didn9t have much to say. I got no c ue as to what she rea y thought of me. 3a king home from schoo it was the same way. I was fortunate she and I had the same path for a ong way. I don9t know where she ived. item%%D<5; In addition to footba I went out for wrest ing freshman year. I had done we in this in .unior high so I ooked forward to success of some kind. I managed to get to the top of my weight division# 120 pounds# which inc uded weights between 112 and 120 pounds# so I began the routine of wrest ing other schoo s# most y in our ath etic conference# the 3est 'uburban 8onference# which inc uded# besides D enbard 3est) Cork# Downers Drove ,7orthF*# =iverside%Brookfie d# 2r ington $eights# $insda e 8entra # Byons (ownship# and &roviso ,3estF*. (oday the conference inc udes 1! schoo s. (he who e day of a day on which I wrest ed another schoo I was a continua nervous wreck# so I earned to keep my wits under pressure over a ong period. (he first string wrest ers on those days wore a tie to schoo . Eur uniforms were a green eotard tank top and green pants with a strap across the eg opening to keep them taut. (here was a white stripe down the sides of the pants. ;very so often the varsity wou d get new uniforms. I asked my parents to buy me a pair of specia i/ed wrest ing shoes# which had a rather ta er top# and they did. (he week before a meet# in practice# we wou d have sessions where the first string wrest er wrest ed against the others in his weight division one after another# so they got to rest and he didn9t. (his was good conditioning for me as first string and the designated representative of D enbard against other schoo s. (here were a coup e of tournaments. Ene was a four team event at D enbard 3est. I won my first match but ost my second to ;ric $in/ of D enbard ;ast# whom I had beaten in an away dua meet ear ier that year. 3e had become friends after that dua meet and I made the error of thinking that in the tournament we wou d both give each other a break. $e didn9t. It9s a dynamic of friendship I have yet to earn. 'ome matches with other schoo s that I ost were terrib y upsetting# because I didn9t ike to be outc assed in a sport I took as my own. But one match I won made up for a this. It was with some team far west of D enbard# he d at their schoo .

(he order of matches was a ways "! pounds first and then the rest in order up to heavyweight# which was over 1?0 pounds. 3hen my match was ne-t and the 112 pounders were wrest ing I and my opponent warmed up behind our benches. $e was a itt e shorter than me but un ike me had ots of musc e deve opment above the waist. $e was very aggressive warming up. (hen our match started. 2 match that went fu ength# meaning no pin# went for three periods of two minutes each. 3e start both up and go for take%downs# and in the second period one wrest er starts on a fours be ow the other# who is on knees with a imber ho d on the bottom wrester from behind. (he positions are reversed at the start of the third period. (wo points for a takedown. (wo points for a reversa . Ene point for an escape. 2fter two periods in this match I was behind# 3%2. (he third period I started on the bottom and it went score ess unti way towards the end when my coach# (om Cack ey# shouted to me to do a certain reversa move ca ed a switch. 2t that point I was tota y e-hausted# but I had a fierce desire to beat this guy and with my ast ounce of determination and strength that made it hard to breathe at a rate that wou d enab e my motions to be effective# I did the switch move and got out from under my opponent and back of him and grabbed on. (he referee shouted 0(woI0 3hich was the points I earned for a reversa . (hat put me in the ead. (hen for two to five seconds I .ust he d on# more ab e to stay on top for my sheer weight than my strength of arms. ;vident y he turned out to be worn out too# and with me on top# winning 4%3# the bu//er sounded. I had won the match. >y reversa had come so c ose to the end of the match that it was rea y e-citing for my teammates# who a got up from their bench and started .umping up and down and ye ing and rushing to the edge of the mat as the referee raised my arm in victory and I made my way weak y toward the edge of the mat and into their waiting arms and congratu ations. 3hen things subsided I needed a drink of water and went toward the fountain at the far atera side of the gym. But when I got there I became nauseous and vomited into the fountain basin. (eam points were awarded in wrest ing according to how a match was won# five points for a pin and three points for a win by match points. (hat day D enbard 3est9s freshmen won by one point# so without any sing e victory we wou d have ost the meet. It was a day to remember# on a counts. 2nd memory is served somehow by the won% oss%tie record I had for the season# which was the ast three digits of our year in schoo 9s most common birth year# 1"!1. >y record was "%!%1. >y freshman year was a good year for the varsity heavyweight wrest er# <red Bie fus# a senior. $e was

state champion. I attended his fina matches in a fie d house at some 8hicago area co ege and there I ran into the ;vergreen &ark cheer eader I had met in the stands at a meet at D enbard 3est. 3e didn9t say a word and .ust stood there in the concession area staring at each other for fifteen seconds or so. 2 re ationship against the grain. (he varsity wrest ing coach was John Biesner# who was a ways friend y to me. item%%B"5; <reshman year I went out for go f. &ractices meant recieving instruction from the coach# Deorge $aas# who had a ove y red%haired daughter in my c ass cohort# Binda. >r. $aas was hard to take. $e was not easy going and the abuse meter when he was ta king to you was pretty high I9d say. I don9t know if my fai ure to improve was due to my inabi ity to take instruction or his inabi ity to instruct. $e had high confidence# that9s for certain# but what did it do for meF 7othing. 'omehow I made the first cut# after which those that didn9t no onger recieved instruction. But# in three years on the team# I p ayed in on y one meet# and shot rea y bad y at that one. During high schoo I p ayed a ot of go f with a certain crowd of my friends# inc uding Deorge 'chu t/# John &urce # and 'cott <ord. I don9t know where I got the money. I wasn9t making a record of income and e-penses. I kept a centra record of a ho es on a rounds at a go f courses# which inc uded 3oodbridge# 2rrowhead# and the D en ; yn Ji age Binks# the atter of which was bui t .ust about this time and was much anticipated as an e-ceptiona course. ;d &osh was the Ji age Binks9s first professiona . $e was ta and thin# had a coo demeanor# and made a good image for the new course. item%%4??; <reshman year a students had to attend gym c ass a year. 2fter that anyone going out for an interscho astic sport got a bye during that sport9s duration. (he boys and gir s gym c asses were separate# as they had been in .unior high. >y freshman gym c ass was taught by the head varsity footba coach# Bi Duchon. Bi was an admirab e man# with a wa k of an ath ete and the sardonic wit of man in charge. ;very day we wou d ine up in Biester Dym for ro ca . During the footba season I was very proud to stand ne-t to =obert 2 gren# a stand%out running back on the scrub team with me. I wou d announce his atest accomp ishments on the fie d to >r. Duchon. Bob was very modest and had an unstoppab e augh. 2 coup e of times a year there wou d be standardi/ed tests in push%ups# pu %ups# sit%ups# and so on. 'choo records in these tests were noted on a big board on the inside wa of the gym. In the spring we had a unit in which was he d a re ay race around the footba fie d on a cinder track. I was the ast of four egs in our team. (he ast !0 meters or so I managed to get near the ead and on y at the finish% ine did I nose out the competition by in my estimation .ust eaning forward instead of keeping upright. 1"5! 11 05 0 0" !? 2" segment 2!00 1"55 05 11 0 01 02 01

item%%B<5< I be ieve it was the summer between <reshman and 'ophomore years in high schoo that I took a c ass in typing. (here were two IB> 'e ectric e ectric machines and I got one of them. 3hether for this reason or my own abi ity or some combination I was the second fastest typist in c ass. (he gir who was the first fastest was way out ahead of the rest of us. I sort of ran out of interest in the keyboard when we got to the numbers. I had .ust put so much devotion into the etters that I didn9t have any eft over for another row of new keys. (o this day I have troub e with them. 3e were taught that speed is gotten when you type in a rhythm# a sing e fre+uency# and not in spurts. I didn9t get the esson we but sometimes I fo ow it. 1"55 05 11 0 01 02 01 segment 2500 1"56 01 13 1 04 0! 33

item%%5828 (he week before sophomore year I attended twice dai y practices for high schoo footba # as I had for freshman year footba . (hey ca ed it he week. It was. But I got through it. 2th etes who successfu y comp eted a varsity or sophomore sport got to wear a uniform sweater to c ass. It had a big D deca sewn onto it for varsity# and sma er c ass year numera s sewn on for sophomore team participation. I earned my sweater numera s for being on the footba team that season. (he coaches for sophomore footba were Don ; more# Dick 7ordmeyer# and 3arren 3i tsie. 8oach ; more was a good man# very effusive when that was ca ed for# but ran a fair y tight ship. $e was the head sophomore coach. 8oach 7ordmeyer was so strong a ma e you cou d cut it with a knife# a big man# we %suited to the game of footba . 8oach 3i tsie was a sma guy and had a ot of empathy for us scrubs# as the third%stringers were ca ed# and he was our scrub coach. $e never had a sharp moment# but he kept us in ine. It may not have been time spent in the ime ight with him# but it was footba . @@item%%8!!6 1"55 0" to 1"56 05 'ophomore year at D enbard 3est $igh 'choo in D en ; yn# IB. item%%B!;3 I took <rench sophomore year with >iss Jane $ebe . >y mother spoke a itt e <rench so I was interested in it. Before advancing to high schoo I hatched a scheme to create a foundation for studying a modern romance anguage# which was to be <rench# by first taking a year of Batin. In a way# I was bui ding anticipation of taking <rench a throughout my year of Batin# and getting to actua y take <rench was that much more e-citing because of it. I was not fami iar whatsoever then with the ro e of Batin at one time in o der co eges# notab y such as Ca e# where I ended up myse f# a though now Batin is not so important in co ege for the genera student. >iss $ebe reported y had been a student at D enbard. $er simu taneous femininity and command of the c assroom were something to beho d. >ost of us were given <rench pseudonyms by >iss $ebe # to et us act more <rench ike. >ine was >arce . (he <rench for James is Jac+ues# however. 3e a subscribed to a <rench maga/ine# Paris Match# and spent time reading it to ourse ves in c ass.

(his was a rea p easure# though I wished my <rench was better so I cou d understand more of it. (hose of us who wanted were ab e to get a penpa in <rance. I did so. $er name was Denevieve &hi ipe# and she was about my age. 3e began a nice correspondence and I was oh so thri ed to receive mai from an e-otic foreigner. (he different economy was manifest in the manufacture of her etter and enve ope paper# whose ightness +ua ities were not the same as my own air mai stationary. 2fter Denevieve and I had become regu ar correspondents she asked me if I wou d consent to taking on a friend of hers as an additiona penpa . I did so# and her friend9s name was Jac+ue ine Bavabre# a though my reca has another ast name for her# that of Boudou. I don9t think it was a marriage issue# it9s .ust that I reca both as her ast name# though ranging over s ight y different memory fie ds of the two penpa s. Jacky was as faithfu a penpa as Denevieve# and a itt e more enthusiastic. (here was some writing in <rench and some in ;ng ish between us. :nfortunate y# I don9t reca any of the content of either correspondence# but fortunate y# and this is comp ete y on a different sca e# I was ab e to visit with both of them on a trip to ;urope in 1"61# to bicyc e so o starting from 'tockho m# 'weden# and u timate y ending in 7ice# <rance. >y friends ived in 2 es# which is in southern <rance. (he detai s of my visit are a in my .ourna of the trip# after the fact# posted to cra/ (his .ourna covers on y the part of the adventure during which I was trave ing by bicyc e# not the parts afterward iving in 7ice# making a hitchhiking trip to >adrid# 'pain to buy a guitar# and the departure trip from 7ice to =ome# Ita y# which inc uded a fa se hitchhiking start that got a the way to the <rench border with Ita y. >y correspondence with Jacky after I returned to the 'tates asted unti one year after my graduation from Ca e 8o ege# and I reca a photo she sent of herse f. I haven9t corresponded with Denevieve since my visit there. item%%"2D? I took 8hemistry sophomore year with >r. 'hinemann. >y ab partner was a .unior named 'ue Babb. $er mother# >aur ea# was a customer of my father# and a counse or at D enbard# mine in fact. >y father tried to convince me to go out with 'ue9s sister# Joyce# but I wasn9t so attracted to her as I was to 'ue. But the taboo against interc ass romance was too strong and I didn9t ask 'ue out either. I remember the tone of 'ue9s voice repeating the word# 0temperature0 cuing me to give a read off of the thermometer during e-periments. item%%<6B; In the second semester of sophomore year I took a c ass in .ourna ism# taught by >iss $e en >c8onne . 2t the end of the course she passed out sheets to sign up for work on the schoo newspaper# the D en Bard. I was caught up in the rush of ife and .ust fi ed out the form# not +uestioning whether I wanted to actua y work on the paper. ;veryone e se fi ed it out# so I did too. ;vident y I had done some reporting during the term because I was in the running for the sports editor9s .ob for the ne-t year. It was won by 8har es $offman because he had taken .ourna ism in the first semester and got the drop on me. But 8har es was from a wea thy fami y and was accepted to a prep schoo so he didn9t take the sports editor .ob and it was given to me instead. I didn9t make the connection menta y# unti some time after high schoo # between my ascent in the

ranks of the newpaper staff and my si ent decision at the start of high schoo to go for any one of the three top student positions in high schoo # which inc uded managing editor of the paper. 'ee segment 2400# item id B"D! for a discussion of that decision. item%%03BD I was on the wrest ing team again in sophomore year. (his time I didn9t do as we . 2 though I started out as first string# I didn9t keep that position a season. >y record against other schoo s was a winning one though I don9t reca what it was e-act y. I earned a bar on my numera s for being on the team sophomore year. item%%3;<? 2t some time in high schoo # perhaps sophomore year# I took a c ass in s ideru e# with >r. Brittain. It met for a ha f period at unchtime. Ever the years I have used a s ide ru e very itt e. 8heap e ectronic ca cu ators came on the market about this time. 'ti # I thought the s ideru e was kind of nifty. 3e used a circu ar s ideru e in co ege a gebra and trigonometry c ass .unior year. >ost s ideru es are straight. 2dvanced s ideru es were an ob.ect of my yearning# economica y. I never got to own one. 2 s ide ru e is used to ca cu ate mu tip ication and division to about three significant digits. It does this by providing two ru es# each a og sca e# that s ide past each other. Bog addition achieves mu tip ication. Bog subtraction achieves division. In addition to the ru e s ides there is a simp e mark# across the fu width of the ru es# on an independent s ide. 1"56 01 13 1 04 0! 33 1"56 0? 1? 0 06 0" 05 segment 2600 segment 2?00 1"56 0? 1? 0 06 0" 05 1"5? 03 21 1 10 12 3?

@@ item%%011? 1"56 0" to 1"5? 05 Junior year at D enbard 3est $igh 'choo in D en ; yn# IB. sub%item%%!<8< Junior and 'enior years of honors math were taught by ;ugene De8 ark# the head of the department. Junior year we had co ege a gebra and trigonometry. 'enior year it was ca cu us. I was ab e to do most of the homework these years and no one e se was ab e to do so. 3hen we went over the prob ems in c ass and a student was supposed to vo unteer to put each up on the b ackboard for discussion I ended putting up severa when we got to the hard ones. 7o one e se had them done. Doing homework in my bedroom at night got to be an industria process for me# churning out the math work without much troub e. (here were some hard ones but I found that persistence paid off with them and very few were unso vab e. I deve oped a need to so ve. $owever# I had no avai ab e way to advance beyond the schedu e within the framework of staying with the c ass. >y time was consumed by the given e-ercises so if I had attempted to work ahead of the schedu e I wou d have had to eave some schedu ed work undone and that wou d have .eapardi/ed my perfect grade record. (he system was not designed for introducing students to academic or scientific careers. I .ust didn9t have a sense that this was hard work# a necessary component of any worthwhi e endeavor# and it seemed as if I was stuck with acceptance.

sub%item%%46D? 'uch as it was# my work oad kept me up past midnight most nights. By the time of senior year I started to worry about keeping this up when I got to co ege. 2nd I wasn9t earning anything with a hint of destiny in it. I needed a map for my work that e-tended beyond the c assroom. I wou d end each day sitting in our dining room after everyone had gone to bed# reading page after page of the 3or d Book ;ncyc opedia# eating grahm crackers and mi k# and istening to the radio on the hifi in the iving room# a at the same time. I needed the genera sense of satiation in my work and this was the on y way I cou d get it. sub%item%%<623 I think it was .unior year that se ections for the mathematics honor society# >u 2 pha (heta# were made by the facu ty. I was admitted. 3e had one meeting I remember# he d at the home of our teacher of honors math freshman and sophomore years# D enn < ansburg. 3e worked on a cha enge to make a ist for a the counting numbers we cou d manage to produce as a function of the nine digits a one. I responded to the competitive aspect of this game# and fe t I had to do we at it. (here was no scho arship in it so I suppose I showed at that time that I wasn9t cut out for an academic career in math. (hey asked me to give a ta k on non%;uc idian geometry and I did some study of it and gave an ade+uate ta k on it. sub%item%%6<!! Because >iss >c8onne 9s choice for sports editor# 8har es $offman# was accepted into a private schoo and wou d not assume the post# the post was given to me. (he paper came out biweek y. (he first task of the sports editor was to sketch out on a sheet the si/e of one page of the paper the p acement and a otted inches of a the stories with their head ines# p us any photographs. (hen reporters were assigned to each story and then notified of the assignment# with the a oted si/e in words. &hotographs# inc uding a arge one of the most important sports event of the reporting period# were assigned to photographers who wou d attend the event and take their shots. 2s stories came in the sports editor wou d read them and then edit them for proper .ourna istic sty e as we as the ru es of grammar. 2n editor wou d have his own particu ar sense of how much of a change cou d be made to a story beyond the basics of grammar# synta-# and c arity. 'ome editors wou d take a free hand and a most rewrite the story if they fe t ike it# whi e others wou d respect the work of the writer and retain his story as is e-cept for basic f aws of grammar and so on. I suppose I fit into this range more toward the aisse/%faire side# but I wou d say >iss >c8onne # the paper9s facu ty advisor# was more on the rewrite side. It was inevitab e that there wou d be some difference and so I took it upon myse f to estab ish a status +uo between myse f and her in which particu ar stories were the ob.ect of some debate in regards to how much to change them. 2t a certain point the stories were typed on ha f sheets to be sent to the printer# which was the town newspaper# (he D en ; yn 7ews# owned by 'tuart 'tone. (here was a big transition about this time from the o d%sty e printing process to one ca ed off%set. I9m not sure what the difference is. I9d have to research it and I9m re uctant to enter such a side route to the story. If a ha f%sheet when comp eted inc uded the end of the story the number 30 with a circ e around it was written at the bottom in red penci . Etherwise# the word 0more0 circ ed was written in red. I have no

idea what the 30 represented. 2t the head of each story a the printing detai s# such as print si/e and type and co umn width# were given. Bo d%face and ita ic portions of the te-t were abe ed as such. (hen the printer wou d send to us the printed stories on ong sheets of newsprint paper. (here were two copies of each story# one to make proofreading marks on and one to retain so as a ways to know the initia state of the story in print form. (hese sheets from the printer were ca ed 0ga eys.0 I9m not sure why. (he proofreading wou d be done by as many writers and editors as cou d be assemb ed for the task# for a stories in the who e paper. (his was done in >iss >c8onne 9s c assroom# where there was more space. It was done after schoo was out# so the space wou d be free. During the proofreading or thereabouts a the head ines were written. (he mock%up of the page had on it a samp e of the appropriate typeface and its si/e se ection and these types and si/es were genera y kept throughout the paper9s creation process. (he head ine writers# who were either story writers or editors# wou d take a story in ga ey form and work out a head ine that wou d fit into the number of co umns a oted and with the imit of te-t that cou d be fit into those co umns given the typeface and si/e. (his was usua y a ot of fun and invo ved a very different sort of creativity than story writing. (here were certain terms of speech that were o d re iab es to get the .ob done# and then there were a ways the ones that you made up new. (here was a ot of sharing done between these workers# so it was one of the more socia activities of putting out the paper. (hen the printers wou d create a more fina copy of a the stories# on sheets of the same paper as the fina printing# inc uding the rea head ines# and these wou d go onto a page set%up. &hotographs went through a staged process a so. (hey wou d come in as prints# these wou d be marked with grease penci where crops were to occur# and then sent to the printer for preparation to become printab e. (hese page make%ups wou d go to the printer# who wou d make page proofs and send them back to us for proofreading# the ast chance to catch errors. 2 subscription to the paper was inc uded in the schoo registration fee# so everyone in schoo got a copy. 2dditiona income was gotten from paid commercia advertisements. 2 the money matters were hand ed by a separate business staff of students. In .ourna ism c ass the day the paper came out the entire c ass was turned over to reading the who e paper and fi ing out a comment sheet that inc uded naming the top three or so stories on each page. <rom these ratings a fina rating was gotten for a the stories in the paper. 3inning stories were posted on a specia disp ay somewhere in either >c8onne 9s c assroom or the D en Bard office. (he fu year of work was entered into a scho astic newspaper compettion ca ed the Da up 2wards of the Oui and 'cro 'ociety# an internationa organi/ation of high schoo newspapers. (here were categories for both the paper as a who e and individua stories and other creative work# such as poetry and photos# and on y one or so story was entered in each of these individua categories. (he D en Bard had won the top who e newspaper honor for so many years I considered it +uestionab e whether it was rea y such a big dea . I admit I didn9t know the history of the enterprise.

sub%item%%?55D Anowing that sports editor entai ed ong hours after schoo I was forced to give up footba and wrest ing. I retained go f because its time demands were fair y ight# meeting week y not dai y. sub%item%%6??B Junior year I went to a night time party at the home of the youth minister of the D en ; yn >ethodist 8hurch. I had a ot of friends who were >ethodists. 2t the party they p ayed a game ca ed 0kiss the cand e%stick ho der0. &eop e were disappearing for the game into a room with c osed door. 3hen my turn came and I went in there was a gir standing there with a cand e in her hands. (hen it hit me) she was the cand e stick ho der that I was supposed to kiss. 'he was a rea y attractive gir and it was my first significant kiss ever# and very e-citing. $er name was 3endy Dirks. 3endy and I and another coup e# Jay =oof and >arcia >orrow# whose o der brother &hi was a wrest er# went to some event together. Beforehand Jay and I went to 3endy9s house with >arcia and the four of us sat on the iving room sofa making out. I was of the frame of mind that any kissing I cou d get with a gir ike 3endy was to the good# so I went at it with gusto. Jay and I showed off by standing on our heads. It was si y. 2fter the date I asked 3endy for another date through >arcia and >arcia got back to me that 3endy said no. 'he said the reason was 3endy thought I was too fast for her. I guess 3endy didn9t ike the show of standing on heads and a the kissing. I certain y didn9t think I was fast# since I did so itt e dating. (here must have been some other category for me. sub%item%%8?3? 'ometime during my .unior year 7orm 'wett invited me to .oin a group of church peop e from D en ; yn in picketing the town9s 2H& food store because the store had reneged on an agreement to hire some number of b ack peop e. (his was the impression I got of the matter# but recent investigation has revea ed that in fact the action taken was much arger than the D en ; yn store and inc uded probab y most 2H& stores across the nation. It a so dated from about 1"53. I was fami iar with 7orm9s invo vement in ibera causes and had a fair y favorab e opinion of his good sense and appropriate pacing in such matters# a though I fe t something of an outsider because I attended a different church# one that didn9t push ibera causes. >y decision to accept the invitation was not made in an environoment of much persona responsibi ity beyond the scope of schoo . 7orm9s activities tended to push this imit and there was a certain e ement of secrecy in some aspects of his church activities that might have warranted either pursuing# to assure myse f it was a ega # or standing back and ooking at it in more grand terms# something that wou d have ed to better persona deve opment. $owever# I thought of none of this and simp y decided to do it whi e acknow edging that I needed to provide some basis on which my father# a man of conservative va ues# might .udge my actions with composure insofar as he was capab e# though there wasn9t much room for his doing so no matter what I might do# given I p anned to picket. I went to his beauty shop and simp y informed him of my decision.

2ctua y he reacted with e-emp ary emotiona contro . $e spoke in measured tones as he commented that it was up to me but that he advised me not to do it. $is inner fee ings# though masked# were a bit strained. It may be that his shop was the on y p ace I might have found him where outside eyes were present and I fe t the need of some outside protection because of the arge uncertainties I had come to view his po itica fee ings with. 8atching him at home might have a owed him to be more reactionary. 2nd in fact it was when he got home that night that he ost contro . :pon the very threshho d he was bursting with anger. >y mother came forward and redirected his anger from me to herse f# and the two of them began an angry argument over whether I had the right to do such a thing. ;vident y my father and I had different understandings of what effect his advice ought to have on me in any given instance. 'eeing that the matter had departed my concern I withdrew to my bedroom upstairs. 'hort y thereafter my father came to my room# got down on his knee# and sobbed that he had to eave the fami y because my mother had said they didn9t communicate. (his supports his ater statement that the separation was not my fau t. $e certain y didn9t consider me an e ement of primary troub e. I suppose the +uestion of cause of the separation is answered in terms of the independence of my mother in her own eyes# the icense she took for herse f# and the icense she e-tended to her chi dren because of it. In such a wor d it was definite y my mother who he d anything ike e ementa responsibi ity. >y father moved in with his parents for a whi e and then took an apartment in the beauty shop bui ding# which he and his father owned. 2fter that he moved into the 't. >orit/ apartments# sti in D en ; yn. 3hi e divorce didn9t come unti sometime after I started co ege at Ca e# I was immediate y struck by a sense of persona ca amity. I remember being in the D en Bard newspaper editoria room at schoo in the days after the event thinking about how I had now entered a grave genera situation that wou d certain y be marked by e-treme hardship. I had based a great amount of confidence for my my future on having a certain situation at home# one of two parents# and now that was gone. &erhaps I might have benefited from counse ing# but that never occurred to me and no one bothered to suggest it. 2t the point to come# discussed in segment 3100# item id 2;<1# where I e-perienced e-treme iso ation upon arriving at Ca e# it may have been that this iso ation was a direct conse+uence of the new terms of my home base brought about by my parent9s separation# and very possib y wou d not have happened otherwise. <rom that point# at Ca e# things were e-treme y tremu ous and this must have been why I got so socia y chatty at every possib y opportunity# trying to summon both my high y ta-ed strength and the socia reinforcement that inevitab y became avai ab e because of my in effect asking for it. 3hat I took for genera iso ation was in fact very specifica y iso ation due to oss of the certainties of my home ife# if this ana ysis is correct. It was not .ust a matter of stress due to being in a strange p ace with great cha enges and demands# this atter e-p anation being that which I have previous y taken as a necessary and sufficient e-p anation. Ence this re ative y# perhaps +uite so# unstab e condition began to penetrate my adaptation to ife# and saw a notab e errosion of what had been a conssistent across the board eve of high achievement in schoo # it was on y a matter of time before fu b own psychosis occurred. =easoning thus y# I am sitting here in a psychiatric nursing home as a resident because I didn9t

recogni/e that psychosis was in fact the danger at the core of my very pa pab e fee ings of ca amity when my parents separated. >edication is the on y offerring of the menta hea th industry that has been of any he p to me. (herapy didn9t turn up the sing eness of the the parenta separation. 'uccessive medication improvements have enab ed me to function we enough to do the therapy for myse f. It was my going against medica advice in going off successive stages of prior drugs that a owed these improvements in medication to be a factor. (he menta hea th industry doesn9t routine y subscribe to that approach. (he cost has been horrific. ;mpoverished and acking a work record# my economic prospects are what might be ca ed de usiona . 3e sha see. sub%item%%!;;! 'econd semester of .unior year was the first ranking of the c ass for grades. I was number ? out of about 500. sub%item%%2!68 (he end of .unior year was the first se ection of students into the 7ationa $onor 'ociety. Ef the top ten in c ass rank# I was the on y one not picked. (his seemed odd# and my peers commented that it was. sub%item%%16<" I did a thirty%mi e charity wa k. It was ca ed the 3a k for Deve opment. It took me a day of course. (here was a point when it got hard on my physica body and I fe in with three friends at that point# marching together as we sang rousing songs. I don9t reca how much money I raised. I didn9t focus on that. 'omeone to d me after the event that they had seen me on the evening te evision news# very sma image of me%%my first ever appearance on te evision. (his charity# though I never rea i/ed it unti this writing# was a precursor to my economics ma.or at Ca e specia i/ing in deve opment. It was a so a precursor to my ong%distance so o bike touring. 1"5? 03 21 1 10 12 3? segment 2"00 1"5? 10 24 1 01 15 11

item%%;05; 2t the end of .unior year# competition for positions on the ne-t year9s D en Bard staff were he d. <or one issue of the paper# the work of each office was done by those who had app ied for it. (his gave >iss >c8onne p enty of evidence of our re ative merits. (hree of us app ied for the top editor .ob%%managing editor. Besides myse f# there was Barbara Anous and 7orman 'wett. I guess this was the ast issue. In any case# the ast issue was the one in which the winners were announced in a story hand ed e-c usive y by $>8. 2s no one saw the story unti the paper came out# we a found out then who had won. I ignored the e-citement that preceded the emergence of the paper. &eter Druenberg# another editor that year# wa ked into the ibrary# where I was near the entrance# and

said to me# 0$i# chiefI0 I was the new managing editor. item%%310D During the summer between .unior and senior years at D enbard 3est $igh 'choo I worked on a nursery owned by Ben Daubner# a friend of my father. I was not a arge physica person and they gave me a ot of easy work. I en.oyed being outside. Ene of the things I did was care for the roses# under the guidance of the father of the owner of the nursery# Ben Daubner. (here were a potted# about a hundred of them. I had never known of a the industry invo ved with them. (heir names were a e-otic and ref ected their great variety. I used a awnmower with a power train that prope ed it to mow the grass outside >r. Daubner9s home# on the nursery grounds. (he mower was ca ed a Ca/oo. I vacuum c eaned inside the house# under his wife9s sure ga/e. I went into the back to dig up sma i ac bushes when customers wanted one. Ene day I was assigned to do some tending of the shrubbery around the front yard of a oca ce ebrity# the man who p ayed =ingmaster 7ed on Bo/o9s 8ircus# 7ed Bocke. >r. Bocke came out once in his bathrobe to greet me. I have no reco ection of what I did with my pay checks# or where the funds ended up# or how I spent them# if I did. I do remember asking my father if I needed to fi e for income ta-es and he said no. (his wou d have prevented me from getting a refund. I didn9t fi e. I was fortunate in that my mother a owed me to use her car to get to work. (he separation with my father had occurred the previous schoo year so the car was not being used. @@item%%B8;; 1"5? 0" to 1"5" 05 'enior year at D enbard 3est $igh 'choo in D en ; yn# IB. sub%item%%2"28 I had been chosen top editor of the schoo student newspaper# (he D en Bard# by the facu ty advisor# .ourna ism teacher >iss $e en >c8onne # at the end of the .unior year. >y term as top editor was for the senior year. (he three previous top editors had been# in order back from myse f# Dary >intor# Dreg $oughten# and Aathy Aracke. (he top editor after me was Darry Bruack# and after him was $arker =hodes. Dary went to Duke# Darry fo owed me to Ca e# and $arker went to $arvard. (he actua term for the top editor9s .ob was managing editor. Ether editor .obs inc uded news editor# features editor# sports editor# and poetry editor# and perhaps some others I don9t reca . (he two main branches of the staff were the editoria staff and the business staff. (he business staff hand ed everything invo ving money%%subscriptions and ads# most y. I had very itt e to do with the business staff and they rare y came around the editoria office. >y father had a regu ar ad in the paper for his beauty sa on# Aenne9s &owder Bo-. I had nothing to do with that. (he editoria office was separated from >iss >c8onne 9s c assroom by a wa that was a window from waste%high to cei ing. 'he was sure to keep tabs on us a when she was in her c assroom. 3ork in the office went on from before the start of c asses to severa hours after schoo was out# a throughout the day with varying busy%ness. 'omeone had the great idea of putting up an enormous posterboard against

the window between the office and $>89s room# ostensib y to keep track of story progress but it was referred to by everyone as the 0make%out board0 because it a owed coup ed staffers to make out in the office without being seen by $>8. It didn9t ast ong. 2nother such short% ived idea was a arge coffee perco ator. (he cord disappeared and everyone ta ked a day about who on earth took the cord# unti $>8 ca ed us a into her c assroom and gent y took the cord out of her desk drawer and said# 0I took the cord.0 (hat was the end of it. (here were a coup e other times when things were getting out of hand and $>8 and I had a c osed door discussion of the situation# with my standing behind the staff weighing against my understanding reason as put forward by $>8. I think she came to trust me this way. Ene day when one of the paper9s issues came out and I was wa king down the front stairs# here came John D. 'heahan# principa # racing up the stairs past me. 'omething was up. 3hen I got back to the D en Bard office I was to d I had been summoned to the principa 9s office a ong with my top editors. 'o there we were# 7orm 'wett# myse f# and probab y Barb Anous# sitting and standing in >r. 'heahan9s office. $e said he wanted me to make a statement on the morning &.2. of retraction of an artic e that appeared in the paper that said the administration had refused to a ow Jesse Jackson to appear at the schoo because he was a radica . 7orm said then that he had been at a meeting with >r. 'heahan in which the principa had said e-act y that. >r. 'heahan then said something that pa ed me great y# which was something to the effect of 0that9s right. I never said that.0 3e # there was nothing to do but issue the desired retraction. I went on the &.2.# gave the retraction# and offerred the observation that there was another artic e in the same paper that had some nice things to say about the administration9s position on civi rights. I forget what was in that artic e. Bater that day# >artha $err said to me that my &.2. address had made her proud of me. 'he said something about my having made it c ear despite my words that the who e thing was a sham. I was neverthe ess concerned that perhaps I had been a itt e too accomodating. Ene day 7orm 'wett# who with Barbara Anous ost the competition for the top editor9s .ob# said to me that initia y he had thought I was the wrong choice for top editor# but he had changed his mind over the course of the year. Ene other day# >iss >c8onne ca ed me into her c assroom and handed me a etter. It was addressed to her and it was from Ca e. It said something to the effect that once in a very great whi e they get a etter of recommendation for an app icant to Ca e that stood out from a the rest# and such was the case for her recommendation of me. 'he said Ca e was the on y schoo that had ever sent her such a etter about an app icant# the ast time it having been for >a co m &ond# the son of a ong%time ;ng ish teacher at D enbard 3est. <ina y# >iss >c8onne gave me the etter to keep. I saved it for many years. It had a so said that her recommendation was e-pected to be of inestimab e use in Ca e9s need to provide me with ade+uate counse ing. I9m not sure whether it is possib e to see evidence of such use by Ca e of the recommendation# or if so# in what way. I must say I have never seen any. In any case# I never saw the recommendation. I am ed to compare# on the one hand# this business of the etter from >iss >c8onne and its use by Ca e# and# on the other# the one time I went for counse ing to the Department of :niverstiy $ea th at Ca e# which occurred in my freshman year. I wanted to have an audience with someone other than my

fami y about my cross%dressing. I was wi ing to take the risk doing so because I had come to a good opinion of Ca e9s provisions for students in genera . It was more or ess a disaster. (he counse or they assigned to see me was notab y unbecoming. I somehow sensed that peop e I wou d now ca over ords were of a ow opinion of cross%dressing and weren9t wi ing to su y a pretty or at east average ooking counse or with the taking of my case. It was difficu t to get the initia words out. 7everthe ess she got the point. 'he said something I interpreted as a position that cross%dressing was not a prob em. I said that9s what I heard her say and she immediate y .umped in and said she didn9t think it wasn9t a prob em. $aving between us set the centra issue on whether it was a prob em or not# there was itt e e se I wou d ater remember her saying# and don9t to this day. 'he did say a few things after that. I have no idea what they were or what they were about. I wou d have been ready to start counse ing but she didn9t bring it up and I wasn9t particu ar y ready on my own to see it needed discussion. (his has not been something I remember as a strong point in Ca e9s favor. 3hi e I don9t ho d Ca e to account simp y because they assigned a re ative y ess attractive counse or to my case than I wou d have considered random# I do insist that# whatever the reasons were# Ca e and I were unab e to agree on terms of interaction with respect to my deeper psycho ogica make%up. I must conc ude from this that se-ua ity cannot be considered a topic which science at any university has come to a satisfactory understanding on# not .ust Ca e. (his is a gift to Ca e. I wish I cou d say I fe t Ca e has been as generous with me. I can9t. (herefore I must ca the debate c osed between Ca e and myse f and wi consider them an inte ectua competitor for the foreseeab e future. Cou may be sure I have prepared a statement of as much revu sion of Ca e as they have prepared for me. Bet us hope we neither have to emphasi/e our revu sions. item%%4!66 2t the beginning of high schoo # before deciding I wanted to become one of the three top student organi/ation eaders ,see segment 2400# item B"D! for that discussion* I considered myse f on firm ground in e-pecting to produce a career in science. But as my work on the student newspaper became more and more consuming# and my interactions with the student staff more e-tensive# I was forced to argue with myse f that the times were such that the push for e+ua ity for b ack peop e was possib y the best use of a capab e person9s devotion. (o sett e the argument I set up on an ? 112-14 sheet of paper four co umns divided twice into two. En one ma.or side I wrote the heading science. En the other ma.or side I wrote the heading social acti)ism. (hen under the science heading I wrote in the two minor sides pro and con# and under the social acti)ism heading I wrote the same. (hen I proceded to ist under each co umn those points that conformed to the headings. I worked on this tab e once# set it aside# and mu ed it over from time to time ater. (he four co umns were about a the same ength. (his to me was an indication that an answer to the +uestion of which fie d to enter had no answer by means of this tab e. 3hen I got into Ca e my thinking began to swing toward socia activism because Ca e to me occupied a position of nationa eadership that went beyond the fie d of science. >aking the decision harder though was that despite my mother9s constant harping on the need for e+ua ity of b ack peop e I grew up to the age of about 12 with no persona resonance with the issue. En the other hand neither did I resonate with the position of occasiona y uncovered racism of my father. I did have a resonance with the hawks on Jiet 7am# e-press y because the domino theory succeeded in drawing me out of my parochia conte-t# a p us for my in+uisitiveness about the wor d. But race did not resonate with me one way or another unti work on the paper got to be a consuming occupation. Before then I was fee ing as if I might be found unsuited to work on socia causes because of my ack of a track record in it. I sort of separated this consideration out from the others and this destabi i/ed the dead ock.

I entered Ca e with a growing certainty that I wou d work on e+ua ity for b acks. item%%853? During the time in which I was waiting to hear of the decisions of co eges I had app ied to my father showed up at our house one evening and said to me# 0Jim# you9re not going to get into Ca e because I9m a businessman.0 I9m not sure if he be ieved it. I had the impression he had been ta king to peop e about this and either was de iberate y deceived by them or was a party to it. I got into Ca e. item%%"380 I was not a member of 8hemistry 8 ub but its president# a friend of mine named &eter Druenberg who was an editor on the newspaper staff# asked me to give a ecture on ste ar evo ution. I was a ready somewhat fami iar with the topic and had no troub e preparing a ta k# which was recieved fair y warm y. 1"5? 10 24 1 01 15 11 segment 3000 1"5" 0! 2" 0 04 1" 43

item%%;B4? In the ater years of high schoo I had a habit of reading (he 8hicago Dai y 7ews# which arrived every evening at home. I fo owed 'ydney $arris9s co umn# 'trict y &ersona # and >ike =oyko. 'ometimes I watched the news on te evision but not habitua y. item%%<222 >y favorite te evision program was 'tar (rek. item%%?;"0 (here was a gir who worked on the newspaper whom I iked a ot. 'he had e-ce ent egs. $er name was >artha $err. Ene time I managed to get a date with her to go into 8hicago for a show# a review of songs by Jac+ues Bre . Driving home from the event we said nothing but seemed to be en.oying it. 3hen we got to her back door she went to the garden and got a f ower and put in on me. 'he said she wou d ca me the ne-t day. (he ne-t day she ca ed me and said she was staying with her boyfriend# Jim Jonder$eydt# a sort of a comic. I guess gir s prefer a comic to a tragedy. I was rea y sad about it. I went outside and wa ked around trying to understand it. item%%"140 =uth 'hepherd# a gir in my socio ogy c ass taught by $arry 'hoemaker# asked me out to the $eart $op# a gir %ask%boy dance. 2 though I wasn9t rapturous y attracted to her she was +uite nice ooking%% beautifu red hair and a nice face and comp e-ion# decent proportions# socia y not a high%rider# but of a good demeanor and some conversationa ski which I cou d not boast of better. (his turned out to be my on y forma dance# and so to this very day. I bought her a corsage# as was e-pected# and my mother gave me the car to use for the night. =uth was a bubb es inside# I cou d te # when I picked her up. 'he ooked very feminine in her forma dress# which comp imented her bosom in a way I had not seen her before.

(he on y restaurant I knew of was Ai9s 'teakhouse# 7orth of town# which my parents often ta ked about# so I took her there for dinner. Dinner was p easant. I remember our tab e in the midd e of the room# bright ights# and p enty of space to make ourse ves comfortab e# more or ess. 3e had a good time. I don9t reca much of the dance itse f# but I wasn9t particu ar y +uick to ad.ust to the demands of a forma dance and it fai ed to register any high points in my mind. I9m not sure what =uth thought of it and how I hand ed it. I probab y had this outcome because I hadn9t confronted any of the issues of dating%%primari y fide ity issues and what it meant to be with one gir among a who e crowd of them for a who e night. (he fact that I had gotten to this point because of =uth9s courage to ask me out rather than my own courage was not the kind of bearing point I was ooking for in my road to mastering courtship9s cha enges in genera . I wasn9t ooking for an interchangeab e unit of dating# or I wou d have found =uth a suitab e gir to sett e for. It wou d have been a good ife with her. item%%B;2< ;very so often my mother wou d te me I reminded her of her brother Bi . 'he wou d get vociferous about it. 'he wou d ca me Bi instead of Jim. >aybe she considered me Bi 9s son rather than my father9s. 'he certain y never made a fuss over any resemb ance there might have been between me and my father# and she never said anything to indicate that he was my ro e mode . 7o# I was Bi .unior. 3here was Bi senior in my ifeF $ow was he e-ecuting the duties of fatherF 3hat ambitions did he have for me and how was he he ping me to attain themF $ow was he aying the groundwork for being a continuing presence as I agedF 7othing is the answer to a of these. >y sib ings and I# in his evident read of us as shown in his behavior# were a e+ua . $e never asked us about what was going on in our ives. $e never commented on what my mother9s remarks to him must have been about that# at east not to me. I remember definite y wondering what he thought of my success in schoo # and sensing a vast vacuum of interest from him about it. It was such a vacuum that I wondered if it was active y pursued by him# for some dark reason. En what rea grounds did he te me in 1"?1 that I needed to workF I9 agree that my re ationships to my fami y were in for changing# but that didn9t mean my fami y cou d act as if it had a icense to define the terms of my e-istence. 3here was any of them when I sat up ate at night at home doing work for schoo F 3hat essons were they pointing out to me from a thisF 3hat part of it did they understandF (hey didn9t any of them comprehend the universa ity of the prob em I set for myse f by going off of >e ari in 1"?0. I was taking on the very nature of menta i ness# as a nemesis. 7o# my unc e Bi was working on a different p ane# where he and his work were not to be +uestioned for their supremecy in the order of the fami y. $e be ieved# apparent y# that his career success gave him fami y credits# without any e+ua associated responsibi ities. >y father may have been a boor# but at east he didn9t refer to his career success as a reason to ook to him as a ro e mode # for better or worse :nc e Bi had been in the service during 3or d 3ar II. 2fterward he eventua y became president of Draver (ank 8ompany. 3hen Draver was bought by Denera :nc e Bi became president of which was a manufacturer of part or a of the >inuteman missi e. I know nothing of :nc e Bi 9s schoo ing. 3ou d :nc e Bi have been as proud of my achievement with the 8hicago >afia as he was of my

achievement with the $a e Ebservatories summer .obF >aybe so. If I am right that my =oman b ood comes from my mother then he had it too. In that case he ought to have had it in him to see the sense in the way the >afia does things# and moreso. I ask this about the re ative p ace in my credits of $a e and the >afia because it was after my summer at $a e that Bi 3i t offerred to drive me back to :8'8 with a the fami y going for the ride. (his was gratuitous. I had made ade+uate p ans of my own for other means of returning. $ow cou d he turn on me so e-treme y when I became home ess when a of that time accrued to the keen interest of the >afia in a way that my summer at $a e cannot possib y have doneF :nc e Bi 9s =oman b ood# if that9s what it was# was invested e sewhere. I9m sure it was we invested# .udging from his success at a company that was a stakeho der in the nationa defense# but not to the same degree as I was investing mine. (his disaffection was most unfortunate. 8ontinuing on# was it reasonab e for me to take on menta i nessF I cou d not re y on anyone for he p. $umans had attacked the prob em for centuries. I didn9t ike their so utions. 3hi e today9s medicines I do ike# at east my Lypre-a# the so ution I found myse f goes beyond medication. 2nd why shou d I share itF 3hat economic sense wou d that serveF Between species there is competition# and that is my re ation to a $omo sapiens but my mate apparent# 8rysta 7ewe # p us a our descendants and their mates. En this statement foregoing $omo sapiens wi divide. :nc e Bi had no descendants# so any entertainment of his identity as a ca to serve or fo ow is without compensating sense# especia y because of the distraction of this business about my needing to work. item%%;353 I be ieve it was senior year when my friend Deorge 'chu t/ asked me if I wou d be his navigator for a road ra y being he d among D enbard 3est men. I agreed to do it. It was he d at night%time. (he starting and finishing were at the D enbard parking ot. Bots of commotion. Bragging and forete ing victory. 7oisy cars roaring. Deorge9s car was either a <irebird or a 8amaro and had been a graduation gift from his parents. It had over 400 cubic inches in the engine. (he cars eft the ot at distributed times# noted and recorded for comparison with their times of return. 2 sheet of directions and re+uirements was given to each entry at the starting point. Eff we went. (he first prob em we got to was when it ca ed for a turn onto a street we cou dn9t find. Deorge stopped at a restaurant where I went in and in+uired where the street we sought was. 'omehow we got back on track. I don9t reca what happened inside the restaurant. (here was a p ace where we came to a stopsign ne-t to a competitor. 3e made it a race to be the first car to pu ahead out of the stop sign. Deorge hit the acce erator. $is car had an automatic transmission so there was no guessing to it. 3e ost the race# the other car pu ing ahead of us. Bater cabit/ing opined that this was a mysterious resu t since Deorge9s engine was superior to the other one# according to the book. 2t some point in the directions we ost our way and had no choice but to return without getting whatever ob.ect or bit of information was the ob.ect of the race# besides time. 3e found out that one of

the teams had pu ed a street sign out of the ground and gotten rid of it. (hey won. I guess it was ega to do that# in the race ru es. item%%332B 'enior year the co ege admission tests were administered. (hese inc uded the 'cho astic 2ptitude (ests# or '2(s# which acronym now officia y has no meaning at a # of the 8o ege ;ntrance ;-amination Board# and the 2merican 8o ege (est# or 28(. Junior year there had been given a shorter version of the '2(s. >y fu '2(s# which I took twice# were something ike 6!0 math and 6!0 verba the first time and 620 verba and 6?0 math the second time. (hese were on the aptitude tests. I a so took achievement tests in ;ng ish# <rench# and >ath# the second time around but do not reca what achievement tests I took the first time around. >y ;ng ish achievement score was in the 500s. >y <rench score was ow. >y math achievement test# eve two out of two eve s# was perfect# ?00. 200 was the worst score possib e. 'hort y after the second administration of the test our honors math teacher# ;ugene De8 ark# said to the c ass that there had been two students who got perfect ?00s on the math eve two test. $e asked us to raise our hands. (he other student was ;dward 7eu# who never said a word in c ass that I remember and wasn9t particu ar y ab e to do a the homework as I had been doing. $aving another student score ?00 was good for my humi ity. >y 28( scores were a 30s or high 20s. 35 is the highest 28( score possib e. 2nother co ege entrance test was the 2dvanced & acement test. It was administered by the 8o ege ;ntrance ;-amination Board. (hese were tests of sub.ect materia in advanced p acement high schoo courses# honors courses. (hey were used to determine whether co ege credit wou d be awarded for work done in high schoo . I took two%%>ath and ;ng ish%%and got a 3 out of ! possib e for ;ng ish and a 4 out of ! possib e for math. 2s a resu t# I was awarded one year of credit in ;ng ish provisiona to my passing an advanced course of one year in ;ng ish at Ca e# and one year of credit in >ath without provision. 2nother benefit of a good score is advanced p acement in courses in co ege. 2 ! must do better in that than a 4. I be ieve both the 4 and the ! get on y one year of credit. 2ctua y these are Ca e9s po icy and it9s comp ete y up to the particu ar co ege how to award benefits for each grade in the 2& tests. I was a owed to take inear a gebra# and did so# without having taken any of Ca e9s ca cu us courses# the norma prere+uisite. item%%"2<" 8 ass rank was computed once every semester when grades came out. I had gotten a rank of ? in the first c ass rank I got# which was in .unior year second semester. (he c ass si/e was about 500. In senior year I went in to get my c ass rank first semester and it was ! out of !"!. I didn9t go in to get my c ass rank for second semester senior year because I fe t it was without impact on my future since I had a ready gotten in at Ca e# &rinceton# and =&I. item%%52B; ;ar y in senior year the appointments to 7ationa $onor 'ociety were announced. Junior year I had been eft out# the on y person with a c ass rank in the top ten not inc uded. In retribution# p us some arguments about the re ative merits of even having such an organi/ation as 7ationa $onor 'ociety%% some of which I eventua y presented in an editoria as managing editor of the high schoo newspaper%% I chose to dec ine admission. I reca the day in honors math c ass they gave me the form to dec ine it. I e-ecuted my signature with no sma amount of f air# and that was the ast of that nonsense.

3here you go to co ege is in some sense more of a va id honor than anything the administrative structure in a high schoo can come up with. (he se ection is sub.ect to vagaries of a different sort and in my view not a very good set of them. I didn9t hamper my co ege app ications by refusing admission by 7$'# that much is certain. item%%D82? >y D enbard 3est $igh 'choo physics teacher# >ichae ' oan# urged us to send in an app ication for summer student work at <ermi 7ationa 2cce erator Baboratory. and I did so. I inois9s :.'. senator# ;verett Dirksen# had worked hard to get this ab bui t in I inois. 2t the time I app ied they hadn9t yet begun construction on the ab and were in the atter part of the design stage# doing a ot of testing. 2fter sending in my app ication I +uick y got a ca asking me to come in to speak with a physicist. (he 3eston site of the ab was a sma deve opment of about !0 rough y identica one story wood frame houses# converted into offices. 3eston was in the far far west suburbs of 8hicago# near Batavia# where the ab u timate y was bui t. (hat who e area was most y farm and and ta grass ands. 2t my conference with physicist David <. 'utter in 3eston# Dave right away broke the news that they had a ready decided to offer me a .ob. item%%65D; (hinking about a date for an upcoming schoo p ay# my mind sett ed on a freshman in my honors <rench c ass# Barbara 'hoemaker. Besides smart# she was rea cute in a hard# no nonsense kind of way. 2 ways wore a charm on her neck. I fe t the usua .itters approaching her. 'he accepted the date. I drove my mother9s car# picked Barb up at her house# south of $i side on the ;ast side of Bryant on a corner# and we went to the p ay. During the intermission she turned to me right away and said# 0you app ied for a .ob at <ermi ab# didn9t youF0 I said yes. 'he said# 0we # my father works out there and was going over the app ications for the summer .obs and came across the name of someone from D enbard and asked if I knew you. I said yes# that you were very smart# and he shou d hire you. (hen he did.0 I remember wa king back to the car with Barbara after the p ay# and putting my arm around her waist. 'he was a rea short gir # about five%foot one# but as a freshman this was a so her youth. I fe t ike society was watching me. =ight after I moved# Barb put her arm around my waist. (his was une-pected# and a itt e awkward. I had prob ems with that no%nonsense fee ing I got from her# ike it eft very itt e room for me to move around in# at east in my own mind# so I never asked her for another date. I did see her again in 8a ifornia after she was married. (hen she got divorced. 1"5" 0! 2" 0 04 1" 43 segment 3100 1"5" 12 31 1 06 23 1!

item%%;628 During senior year at D enbard 3est $igh 'choo I had written an editoria advocating estab ishment of a student union for the students at D enbard. 2t the end of the year I got a phone ca at home from Jirginia Bess# who introduced herse f as one of a group of adu ts and students# origina y formed in the churches of D en ; yn# who were working to create such a student union for D enbard. 'he said they had read my editoria and she invited me to become student eader of the group and run it .oint y with the adu t eader# a >r. 'arpa. I accepted the invitation. (hat summer the group met at the D en ; yn &ub ic Bibrary week y. (he ibrarians came to be +uiet

fans of my work there# a ways giving me e-tra sa utory e-pressions when I appeared. It was apparent the group had motivation issues. I didn9t trust >r. 'arpa from the moment I met him. (here were so many prob ems of motivation in genera that I hit upon the idea of ho ding private invitation on y meetings of a handfu of se ect individua s from the group# a of them students if I reca correct y. In these meetings I fe t free to e-press my frustrations more honest y and vivid y# and to urge action on a fronts. 3hat ideas# suggestions# and other counse I cou d offer I did. (he response was pretty good. (he actua meetings started to show a itt e sense of movement. 2 critica moment came when >r. 'arpa aid out his p an for investigating possib e ocations. $e seemed to be putting it in terms of checking out one ocation after another. I commented with urgency that we needed 0para e investigations# not series.0 I had been earning e ectronics at <ermi ab that summer and the concept of para e and series circuits# a fundamenta one# struck me as right to the point. (he rest of the group%%perhaps not >r. 'arpa# I don9t reca %%paused in one common breath and marve ed at this idea and the way I put it# apparent y so succinct y and c ear y that the issue was won in a sing e stroke. 3hen I eft for co ege at the end of the summer# things seemed on a firm course. I heard during the schoo year that the group had found a house and rented it from the vi age at a do ar a year. (his house was ocated on the 7orthwest corner of Duane 'treet and <orest 2venue. En the 'outhwest corner was the >ethodist 8hurch. <arther down Duane to the 3est# on the 'outh side of the street# was Duane 'treet 'choo # which became the schoo district offices# and which then became the vi age ha . I9m not sure when a these transitions occurred. (he point is the house they found was right in downtown D en ; yn# we within wa king distance of D enbard. item%%?26B Draduation from D enbard 3est $igh 'choo . 8eremony in Biester Dymnasium. I ref ected on how everyone in the c ass were peers. (his was a definite thought# as I had spent four years working against that very idea. (he thought fo owed me to Ca e 8o ege. 2fter the ceremony I went to a party at the home of Jim von der $eydt. Jim was a photographer for the student newspaer# (he D en Bard# on which I was managing editor. $is father was a wea thy D en ; yn dentist. 2t the party I got kind of witty with >artha $err# over whom I had waged an invisib e riva ry with Jim von der $eydt and ost. 7othing came of it. (hen# as I was sitting on a sofa that wrapped around a support post in the midd e of the room# I got into a wistfu conversation with &ame a ;spe and# who was the D en Bard9s poetry editor. 2s I he d my tasse in my hand# she p ayed with it. (his incident identifies the tasse that everyone wears on their cap at a graduation ceremony as the ob.ect of hidden se-ua ibido stimu ation%%a fetish. I specu ate that it is there because one has by virtue of graduation advanced sufficient y in ife to confront the fetish9s powers. (he custom of moving the tasse from one side of the mortorboard to the other at the moment of getting the dip oma assures that the hand touches it# and makes a pub ic act of it right in the ime ight. 'o there we were# &am and I# p aying with the tasse . I fe t an urge to pet with her. I had not before that fe t such an urge with her. 'he was not my kind of physica ob.ect# rather bow% egged and not very

petite. I attribute the urge to the tasse . But I went ahead and petted with her. (hen I fo owed up and started dating her. It was rea y sense ess. $ere I was soon to go off to Ca e where they were accepting women for the first time in a most 300 years# and I didn9t have the prescience to remain free of commitments. I think it was that I had hit the panic button in .unior high when Aaren $ueneman refused my offer of a photo of myse f. (his acce erated my ambitions in order to prove that Aaren made a mistake. It a so turned every gir into a substitute for Aaren# and not to be won# by definition. &am had made it known much ear ier to me that she wanted a re ationship# first in genea terms during socia i/ing among a the D en Bard staff# then by asking me out to the $eart $op# a gir %ask%boy dance. 'he wrote the invitation down on the back of a sma photo of herse f that she gave me# ca ing it in her note a sneaky way to ask me. I had a ready accepted an invitation from =uth 'hepherd so a though I wou d have been hard put to dea with this invitation from &am# hard because I wasn9t attracted to her# I was ab e to dec ine po ite y. 'etting out on a re ationship with &ame a# I didn9t have the s ightest idea what I was doing. 3e ta ked it up# for sure. 'he wrote me poems. I took her out# once on a doub e with her sister# =oberta# and my brother# Dave# to =avinia# which I remember /ip about. 3e went to the Indiana Dunes. I showed her <ermi ab# which I say on y because I remember stopping with her and making out behind an abandoned bui ding one night and the bui ding was way far 3est and not on any trip itinerary e-cept <ermi ab. 3e wa ked hand in hand a ot. It was a a matter of the imperative of pro-imity. It was ife ess. It set a bad precedent for me. I got used to time spent with a date being event ess. 'he was the first of my dates who met my mother. 2gain# a bad precedent. But &am was not the prob em. It was Aaren. 7ow maybe I can ad.ust course# revise my ambitions# and ive more norma y. &am and Barbara Anous drove me to the airport for the f ight to go off to Ca e for the beginning of schoo . item%%?!1B 3orked for the summer at <ermi 7ationa 2cce erator Baboratory in 3eston# IB. (he director of the ab was =obert =athbun 3i son# who had been part of the >anhattan &ro.ect to bui d the first atomic bomb. (he groundwork for the ab was done at offices I be ieve in Eakbrook# IB. (hen they moved to 3eston. (he first summer I worked at the ab# at 3eston# it was ca ed .ust the 7ationa 2cce erator Baboratory. Bater they added the memoria to ;nrico <ermi# who had presided over the first nuc ear chain reaction at 'tagg <ie d of the :niversity of 8hicago. I wa ked by 'tagg <ie d with my gir friend# 8rysta 7ewe # in 2010# a though there is some doubt about this because there are actua y two 'tagg <ie ds at the :. of 8. 2n acce erator is a machine that takes fundamenta partic es# ike e ectrons or protons# acce erates them to great speed%%c ose to the speed of ight%%and then smashes them into a target# ike perhaps a foi of

meta . 8ameras or other ways of recording the paths of the partic es are trained on the area of the target. <rom the pictures physicists earn about the properties of the partic es. (he higher the speed# or energy# that the partic es achieve the more types of new partic es and interactions can be studied. <ermi ab acce erates protons. 3hen the ab was first p anned its design energy was 200 DeJ# or 200 bi ion e ectron vo ts. Ene e ectron vo t is the energy achieved by an e ectron acce erated by moving through an e ectric fie d of one vo t. Dr. 3i son gained renown at the abs for a trip e p ay%%the finished machine had an energy of !00 DeJ or 2.! times the design energy # it was finished ahead of schedu e# and it was bui t for a ower cost than budgeted. (he design of the acce erator was composed of four component acce erators) 2 purchased 8ockroft 3a ton acce erator to start off# a ab%designed inear acce erator ca ed the Binac after that# a ab% designed circu ar acce erator ca ed the Booster after that# and a arger circu ar acce erator ca ed the >ain =ing after that. (he 8ockroft 3a ton was two stories ta . (he >ain =ing was to be four mi es in circumference# the argest in the wor d at the time of going on ine. It was bui t inside a tunne covered with a berm of earth. (he e-perimenta areas were a so buried. (here was a coo ing poo of water in the center of the Booster# with .ets spraying the water into the air# for show as far as I knew. Inside the >ain =ing there was a herd of buffa o gra/ing# an idea I be ieve Dr. 3i son had had to make it c ear there was no danger to ife from the acce erator# the buffa o being an endangered species. <ears of the popu ation that there was some danger was a primary prob em in getting po itica support for the ab in I inois. $igh ;nergy &hysics has a ot to do with nuc ear energy and bombs# rightF 3e # yes# but there9s science behind a of that and engineering to make it safe. (hus the buffa os. (he Booster and >ain =ing# both circu ar acce erators# kept the protons they acce erated confined to a sma aperture through arge e ectromagnets whi e they trave ed in a circ e at increasing ve ocity. ;ach time the beam passed a particu ar point in the circ e it was given an acce eration by radio power# so the beam9s speed ramped up whi e it passed many times through the tube. Ene type of magnet# a bending magnet# provided the inward force that kept the circu ar radius of trave the same despite the increasing speed of the beam. Ether types of magnets kept the beam from getting too wide. Both the Booster and >ain =ing worked this way. (here were about 1000 bending magnets in the >ain =ing# which was about 4 mi es in circumference# so each magnet was about 20 feet ong. (hey had stee p ates that were stacked into a shape that was about 2 112 feet by 1 112 feet in cross%section# in two e+ua parts sp it hori/onta y. (he copper e ements that took the e ectrica power that created the magnetic fie d ran between these two masses of stee . (he copper e ements were encased in epo-y to shie d them e ectrica y from the stee and were ho ow so that water cou d be pumped through them to dissipate the heat generated by the e ectrica power. (he tube where the beam trave ed was centered in a of this stee and copper. (he entire magnet weighed about 13 tons# most y in its stee . I was assigned to the >ain =ing section. Eur head was <rank 'hoemaker# whose daughter had gotten me the .ob as e-p ained in segment 3000. >ain =ing was divided into three groups) ; ectrica ;ngineering# under Dick 8asse M >echanica ;ngineeringM and 8ontro s# under ;rnie >a amud. Ene of the physicists in 8ontro s Droup was Dave 'utter and he was my boss. <rank 'hoemaker# head of the >ain =ing group# was ab e to provide eadership in a three of these areas# and when he ater eft the abs to return to teach at &rinceton the three area eaders formed a triumvirate to cover what <rank had done a one.

;rnie had gotten his &h.D. at 8orne . $is thesis was about his work on contro s for their acce erator. $is office was in one of the converted houses at 3eston. (hat house and another ed into a arge ab bui ding made by But er. 2 so part of our turf was a bui ding he d up by air pressure. (here was a so a mock%up of a section of the >ain =ing# for testing e+uipment. Inside the air bui ding there was a Jarian computer# a Jariandata 520i. (here was a machinist9s shop in both the But er bui ding and the air bui ding. Bi 8arter was the machinist in charge of them. Bi was very he pfu to me and had a beautifu understated sense of humor. (here was a so a who e But er bui ding devoted to machines run by too and die makers. (hey were for service to the who e ab. (he surrounding countryside was a ta grass fie ds. Bots of wi d ife. (hey had moved some of the houses from the former farms of the ab property into a semicirc e to house visiting scientists. Inside the house where Dave worked there was a secretary named Barb 'ch ucter# new y engaged and it turned out they broke up. 'he took it pretty hard. Dave9s office had a b ackboard where he taught me everything I knew to date about e ectronics and computers. (he physicists9 offices were e+uiped with the first fancy ca cu ating e+uipment I had ever seen%%3ang e ectronic ca cu ators. I was ama/ed at the idea of a memory register and wondered at how usefu it wou d be. I sto e a few moments p aying with one. >y work station was in the But er bui ding. I managed a of the space assigned to Dave# room for two workers# p us a meta e+uipment cabinet. (here were shop desks surmounted by she ves for e+uipment such as power units. 3e had one or two osci oscopes# used in troub eshooting e ectronics# that were mounted on whee s. 2n osci oscope registers very rapid changes in vo tage# on the order of a mi ionth of a second. 2s anyone fami iar with modern computers knows# e ectronics often reach changes of vo tage this rapid. 8ontro ing a partic e acce erator invo ves a ot of e ectronic e+uipment. I was in charge of ordering supp ies for Dave9s work# most y e ectronic components and too s. (here was a so a centra supp y room in one of the houses where you cou d wa k in and get things on your signature. (here was a cafeteria in the vi age. Eutside it was a scu pture in modern sty e of a tree# created by Dr. 3i son. It was intended to make up for the ack of rea trees on site. Dr. 3i son had something of a reputation as an artist. 3a king through a science bui ding at $arvard one day# I think it was in about 1"63# I saw a work of art by Dr. 3i son on permanent disp ay in the ha . 2fter giving me the basics in computers# Dave to d me about the pro.ect he had for me for the summer. It was to find out if we cou d use the computer9s interrupt system to our needs. It was a very simp e pro.ect# but invo ved a ot of different things so it was very educationa . (he who e acce erator was to operate on a timed cyc e. (he purpose of the interrupt was to be ab e to stop the cyc e at a particu ar p ace in it. 'o we had to be ab e to oad a circuit with a certain time and

then have the computer interrupt itse f when it got to that time. If the time registered by the computer at the moment of interrupt was the same as the time oaded into the circuit# then the operation was a success. >y pro.ect invo ved both bui ding a comparator circuit to read the computer cyc e and compare it with a time oaded into the circuit by a set of switches. and earning how to program the computer in machine anguage so that the interrupt function# which was one of the very deep primary functions of the computer# cou d be contro ed to our specifications. I earned how to program the Jarian computer. >y teacher was 8huck 'chmidt. Dave said that a though 8huck on y had a >aster9s degree he was considered a physicist. (he Jarian computer was contro ed from an o d te etype machine# with paper tape. I earned machine anguage# which is the owest eve of the computer9s operation. (here were a so three sense switches on the computer which you cou d use to contro progress through a program. Ene of the regu ar e ectronics technicians# James 'ha enberger# commented that I earned programming rea y fast. Ence Dave and I were working on the e+uipment that had been set up in the mock >ain =ing tunne segment and Dave was trying to decide what wire ead was what on some device. $e rubbed his crewcut in a way that reminded me he was a 7avy man and forced his mind to concentrate on the wires and their meaning# going over it verba y# then made his decision. I earned a ot from this episode about how a professiona gets himse f through the many difficu ties that show up during the course of a day. 2nother .ob I did aside from my pro.ect was to test the strength of the fie d of a dipo e magnet at a points inside it# a ong the ength and breadth and height. <or this there was a turntab e with whee s to make tiny changes in position of the magnetic%fie d%strength%measuring%device# or probe# ocated on the turntab e bed and ab e to go in and out of the inside of the magnet. Ene day the sa esman for the company that made the dipo e came in and he was to d we cou dn9t get the two ha ves to come togetther. 3hen he and I were a one he took a hammer out and tried desperate y# it seemed to me# to get the two ha ves together. $is efforts were so memorab e I can9t remember if he succeeded or not. 2nother pro.ect I had was to cut out and assemb e an e ectrostatic beam position detector# according to a set of p ans drawn up by the drafting staff. (he tube in whi ch the partic e beam trave ed was about si- inches in diameter and this detector sat with f anges against the tube to keep it in position. (hen there were two sections of inner tube in a rectangu ar cross section that were divided in two diagona y# to create a pair of signa s for the detection e+uipment to use to compute the beam position. (he idea was that the beam# having an e ectric charge# wou d produce a force on a piece of meta that cou d be measured and then used in a ca cu ation to find the position of the beam# hori/onta y and vertica y at the position of the detector. (he position had to be ca cu ated from the two signa s. 7either one gave the position by itse f# a fine point that I had to accept on faith. >aybe it was a matter of a better resu t rather than any resu t at a . I9m not sure. $a f%way into the summer one of Dave9s co eagues from 8orne came to work with us. $is name was $oward &ffefer. $e was an e-ce ent debugger of circuits and got me out of troub e a number of times. I used my mother9s car to get to the ab. $ow fortunate for meI

(he ast day of the summer Dave to d me he thought I had done a good .ob. Ence before that he had .oked# and I9m not sure how much in .est# 0you do good work# Jim# .ust not enough of it.0 I was methodica . Ene day <rank 'hoemaker came through the But er bui ding and when he saw me# as he was wa king through with some others# he smi ed wide y at me and said something about Barb# or maybe .ust a uded to her. 2nother time <rank was in the But er bui ding working on a pro.ect of his own# getting his hands dirty using an enormous so dering iron. $e remarked about it ike a vehement educator accustomed to speaking to someone who cou dn9t keep up with him# but done cheerfu y and with an optimistic spirit regarding one9s comprehension. (here was a who e area of the But er bui ding set off for the vacuum technicians. (hey ran vacuum pumps a ot and sort of kept to themse ves. (he partic e beam tube had to be evacuated to enab e the beam to trave without striking air mo ecu es. (here was a arge section for the genera >ain =ing e ectronics technicians# ne-t to my section. Don =icheid was the eader# and besides Jim 'ha enberger there was Johnny Dreen and another tech. Johnny was b ack. 'tarting the .ob off they got me a pair of industria shoes to wear%%I chose the boot sty e. (hey had stee toes to protect you shou d heavy e+uipment fa on your feet. (hese were re+uired. Ene day a the e ectronics techs of >ain =ing gathered in the director9s office for a meeting with Dr. 3i son. $e went over a their concerns with great care and ski . I particu ar y remember the way he stopped at one point to massage his face and restore his menta freshness. During the summer Dave invited me to unch with his wife# and a so invited my gir friend# &am ;spe and but &am had other p ans and cou dn9t make it. Dave and Dar een# his wife# and I had a nice time at a sma restaurant. 2t the end of the summer Dave invited me out to have dinner at his home. It was immacu ate y furnished. $e was proud of a the yard p antings which he had put in himse f. $e was most y proud of his 8orne &h.D. thesis# whose severa copies fi ed a bookshef. I cou d re ate to this# having been we taught by him a about the sub.ect# which was acce erator contro . En one occasion Dave dropped by our house in D en ; yn for some reason I don9t reca and I was interested in what he wou d think of my mother# whom he addressed as >rs. Batek with his pronunciation of Bah%tek. $e took her in stride and was in the door out the door .ust ike that. 7ot much going on there# it seemed. >y father had eft the fami y and every incident of her meeting an adu t ma e was interesting. @@item%%";21 1"5" 0" to 1"63 05 04 2ttended Ca e :niversity in 7ew $aven# 8(. Draduated with an 2.B. ,Batin inverts the order from the ;ng ish# B2* in economics. 'pent three summers in D en ; yn# IB.# 3heaton# IB.# and D en ; yn# IB.

whi e working at <ermi ab in Batavia# IB in addition to the summer before arriving at Ca e. (ook a eave of absense for the first semester of the third year to bicyc e so o in ;urope# 1?00 mi es. (ook one month of the third summer off to bicyc e so o in 3estern :.'.# 1?00 mi es. $ad intended to become an economist but changed my mind and decided to become an architect# finishing the economics degree anyway. sub%item%%D?6; 2t Ca e# a freshman were housed on a b ock# ca ed the E d 8ampus# ringed by dormitories. 2fter that year students genera y ived in the residentia co ege to which they had been assigned when entering Ca e. >ine was Branford# but I never ived there. 'ophomore year I ived in au-i iary housing on the E d 8ampus. Junior and 'enior years I ived off campus. sub%item%%3433 (he 8o ege 'cho arship 'ervice ana yses financia statements from the parent and student to determine how much wi come from parents# student# and schoo to cover the cost of co ege. In my case# they determined the schoo 9s portion at G1200# a scho arshipM my portion at G1100%%G!00 in term emp oyment and G500 in summer earningsM and my father9s portion at G2000. >y father# >r. Aenneth J. Batek# however# informed me that he had set aside money for a his chi dren9s co ege and this amounted to G1200 a year for each chi d. I don9t reca him saying anything about those of us who wou d not be attending co ege# which was Dave and Bisa# nor anything about Binda# who attended .unior co ege. 'andra attended a state schoo in I inois and this wou d have been much cheaper than Ca e was. >y father informed me that he wou d pay what he had set aside# not what the 8o ege 'cho arship 'ervice had determined he shou d. I was not fami iar with my rights. $ad I been fami iar with them I wou d have been warranted to contact Ca e to inform them of this situation. (hey might have put some pressure on my father to come forth with his fair share. I don9t know if this wou d have been effective. I don9t know what e se I cou d have done. I doubt the aw wou d have been invo ved%%going to co ege# and being ab e to pay for it# is not a fundamenta right as far as I know. In any case# I said nothing of this to anyone and used my entire earnings from summer emp oyment each year to cover my portion of Ca e costs p us what my father refused to pay. I was fortunate that this was sufficient. >y ife at Ca e wou d have been much more comfortab e# and my socia ife and courtship possibi ities much wider# had my father paid the fu amount. item%%<858 Being at Ca e and having a base where I wasn9t forced to accomodate as a peer a menta y retarded person# name y my sister Bisa# was such an unconscious re ief that my .oy was bound ess. (his took ho d in a my activities and marked the beginning of an era of brist ing persona ity. :nfortunate y# since I didn9t know its origin# I made no effort to understand it and had no p ace in my thiinking to adapt to it conscious y. 2s a resu t most probab y of this# I became menta y i one year after my eventua graduation from Ca e in 1"63. I .ust didn9t understand that the foundation of my inte ectua identity was penetrated with stop signs due to my sister9s presence as a peer. Bisa has# for her part# been forced to compete with us sib ings and as a resu t she has deve oped a very aggravating set of persona defense mechanisms# whi e at the same time en.oying a reduced e-pectation from the outside because of her specia education status there. item%%2;<1

:pon first entering my bedroom# shared with another student# in the 3?4 suite of 3right $a on the 'outheast corner of ; m and 3a 'treets# I was struck by the spareness of the accomodations%%a bunk and one basic desk with a fo d%down writing surface. (he other student9s desk was in the iving room and a third student had a sing e bedroom. (here were wa %mounted cabinets for each of us and one c oset each%%mine was in the bedroom. Ene of us had arrived ear y and eft# to c aim the sing e bedroom by eaving his property there. $e ived in 7ew Cork 'tate so it was conventient for him to make an e-tra trip. 'eeing the bedroom and reca ing to mind everything I had seen since arriving in 7ew $aven# I sudden y became struck to the core by my iso ation amidst an enormous ca to action. (his effect permanent y imprinted itse f in my mind# and I sensed a great peri before me because of this iso ation. It may be that this is what drove me at Ca e to become e-treme y garu ous# in contrast to the imperturbabi ity of my ear ier ife in high schoo . item%%2;!8 I had signed up# before eaving home for Ca e# for a three day conference run by the chap ain9s office with the theme 0mascu ine1feminine0 especia y for the advent of coeducation at Ca e that year. (he conference was he d at a resort on a ake. It was in 8onnecticut. Ene of the first things there was a ecture# in an outdoor amphitheater with og seats# by the chap ain# 3i iam ' oan 8offin Jr. $e said that the way to true independence is through dependence. It hit home. I was swimming in the ake and saw a s ender# gracefu gir I iked. 'he was wearing a white swimsuit. I took the p unge and suggested we go out for some canoeing. 'he agreed. 3e canoed to the opposite side of the ake# got out# and went to the top of a huge bou der. 3e sat for a whi e and I kept thinking I shou d kiss her# but didn9t. 3e got back in the canoe and started canoeing back# but I said something to her about our fai ing to get something done back on the rock. 3e agreed to turn around and go back. Ence there it was automatic for us to embrace and kiss# but it was not f uid or arousing. >y error thinking it was of any substance. 2ctua y it was dry and she had a ook of revu sion during it. >aybe I did too# I don9t know. Back on campus# I tried ho ding hands with her and she resisted. I commented and she said she .ust didn9t fee ike it. (hat was it. I had her in my ;ng ish ecture that year and we never spoke. $er name was 2nn &arker. $er father was a genera in the army and she ived a over the p ace growing up# inc uding &anama. (he conference he d sensitivity games indoors. I e-ce ed at this and got a ow opinion of the openness of Ca e students. (hat year Ca e admitted to the freshman c ass about 2!0 fema es and 1000 ma es# to the sophomore c ass !0 fema es and 1000 ma es# and to the .unior c ass !0 fema es and 1000 ma es. Aingman Brewster# president of Ca e# said Ca e bore a responsibi ity to educate 1000 ma e eaders every year. ;ventua y this princip e was abandoned. item%%352! Jery ear y in the freshman year I was at home in my bedroom and began to imagine what I wou d do with my ife. 3i iam ' oan 8offin9s speech# discussed in segment 3100# item 2;!8# had gotten me

imagining a ife of se f ess service to mankind and I had gotten inspired to assist poor b acks achieve e+ua ity ate in high schoo . 2s a resu t of this preparation I imagined for myse f a ife spent in the inner cities of 2merica somewhere he ping get things off the ground for b ack peop e# especia y poor ones. I didn9t see this fa ing into any estab ished entity or having a minima income. I .ust wanted my part to be something a itt e more earthy. It concerned me deep y that there was no income in what I was imagining. 3hat wou d I do to provide for myse f# et a one a wife and chi drenF I didn9t know. (his p an took its p ace in my mind amidst a the tumu t of freshman year and seemed to hang there watching me after that. item%%11<3 Ene evening when I came out of the anguage ab I saw a gir carrying a suitcase. I offerred to carry it for her and she accepted. 2t her p ace# though my memory te s me it was at my p ace# which wou d have been awfu y out of the way# when I gave her her suitcase back# she said I was not the usua Ca ie and we made a date for another time. $er name was 7ancy By off. I took her on a wa k and we stopped in at 3oo sey $a and took in a rehearsa of the Ca e 'ymphony Erchestra. 2s we sat I began to caress her ear obe# which she was uncomfortab e with and asked me to do something more understandab e ike ho ding her hand# which I then did. Back in her room in either 'ty es or >orse she sat on her bed as the Beat es9 2bbey =oad a bum p ayed and I .ust stood there ooking at her wanting to have se- with her. It got me interested in the Beat es for the first time. 'he was from Boston and f ew there every weekend. <or some time after that I wou d try to get up the courage to go back and see 7ancy and have se- with her. 7ever happened. I considered her of a non%datab e age group. 'he was a .unior. I was g ad to be treated ike an unusua Ca e student by her but I cou dn9t figure out a way to direct it in a practica path of pursuit. Dating a .unior was a we regu ated unusua ness and I considered mine not sub.ect to regu ation# but sti prob ematic# perhaps moreso. item%%201; 'omewhere at Ca e I met a fema e c assmate named Joan 2usebe and took a iking to her. I asked her to unch or dinner and we ate at 'i iman 8o ege. 7othing further came of it. I9m not sure when I met her nor when we dined together. 7ice gir . item%%5?!< I heard about a study of 7ew $aven residents being done by a ega assistance group who were hiring peop e# inc uding Ca e students# to do interviews in 7ew $aven9s neighborhoods and I decided to do it. (he group was the 7ew $aven Bega 2ssistance 2ssociaton. En the first wa k over to their offices I ran into a gir a so wa king there and we started a conversation. 3e became good friends. $er name was Debby =othman# a .unior. 3e had unch at 8a houn 8o ege one day and she to d me she had had a fai ed ove re ationship recent y. 'he cried a itt e. 3e went out together doing interviews once and didn9t say much. I ran into her at a mi-er at Branford 8o ege and I asked her to dance and she said# 0oh# you ike to

danceF0 which I thought was obvious# didn9t every Ca e man want to get his hands on a Ca e womanF 'o I said yes and we danced a s ow dance and there wasn9t much to it. 'he wore a crocheted vest of a dark co or. item%%4!3" I heard from someone that there was a freshman gir named &i-ie 3i iams who thought I ooked ike =obert =edford# an actor who had starred in Butch Cassidy and the #undance *id# and ater The Candidate. I was not having success with women at Ca e and took this opportunity to ca her and ask her out# being sure to te her my name. 'he dec ined. But in senior year when I started fo k dancing she showed up at the dances. I specu ated that some gir s9 network had identified me from my fo k dancing as a good dancer and &i-ie got word of it and wanted to give me a second ook. I didn9t take the bait. I didn9t ike to maintain an open door across ong periods of time. 'he was a cute b ond and seemed to have a nice persona ity. item%%212? 'tudents were se ing used furniture a over campus before the start of c asses and I bought a tab e and a sma rug. I asked my roommates if they wou d sp it the cost with me and they dec ined. 2t some point we bought a sofa and a arge rug for the iving room. 3hen my bunk%sharing roommate arrived with his entire fami y# about ten of them chi dren# a b onds# I had gotten into my garu ous routine and e-pressed a wi d sa utation of the words# 0 ook at a the peop eI0 or something ike that. (hey comp ete y ignored me. (his was 8har es 08hick0 <rancis 2dams# of Birningham# >I. $e was ta and powerfu # became a member of the swim team. $is father was an advertising e-ecutive. (he other roommate was John $uthchings. $e was my si/e with dark hair. Jery conservative. $is father was a businessman who a so made an appearance at the beginning of the year. John announced a significant act he was taking by signing a framed sheet with the signatures of severa previous generations of Ca e men before him. I be eive it had a bu dog figure on it# the Ca e mascot. (hen he mounted it on his wa . John was animated# ta ked a ot about his romantic e-p oits. $e thought one of the best ooking gir s on campus was < oyann Brown. I agreed. $e sang a song for me which he had composed# with guitar accompaniment. $e came into my bedroom to sit on the ower bed whi e I sat at my desk. (his was an e-pression of amicabi ity. John was better at <rench than me and vo unteered to correct my papers for <rench c ass. 7othing that John ever said or did showed humi ity# but he was capab e of sincere generosity. I thought 8hick 2dams was terrib y inward and I devoted many a bedtime to ta king to him from my top bunk trying to oosen him up. $e indu ged me# without any messiness# and agreed that he had room for work on this. I certain y had .ust as much need for counse ing as he did. (he three day conference at the start of the year had given me a sense of icense. item%%!5D0 (he dorms on the E d 8ampus# and a of Ca e for that matter# were vertica %% ots of entryways and on y a coup e suites on each f oor. <reshman year my suite was on the second f oor# the first being devoted

to maintenance. (here was a ways a bu etin board on an entryway9s first f oor where they posted an enormous week y schedu e of events. 2 so iving in our entryway on our f oor were two freshman counse ors# one by the name of 8har ie# and a trip e of &eter $ickok# Jon <atu a# and J.D. 'mea ie. J.D. was an athe ete. Jon was a professor9s son. &eter was wea thy. &eter and Jon have disowned me. 3e ived together as roommates for sophomore year# Jon dropping out after one semester for bad grades. $e was a drug user. Ethers in my entryway inc uded) Dary 8hesnin# David Deffin# (om <it/patrick# 2 an Do d# Benny Brandt# (om 'tevens# &au 'e igman# and &au Bernstein# a though &au may have been in another entryway. (hese peop e are more my competitors than co eagues. item%%;!36 8har ie# the freshman counse or iving in our entryway# was a student in the Baw 'choo . $e was very i ustrious# from what I gathered# having won an important contest in the Baw 'choo # something about a >oot 8ourt# which I guessed meant they argued cases that weren9t rea or didn9t matter. Ene day I happened to have a mea in the Branford dining ha with 8har ie and I took the opportunity to offer my observation that he was pretty much a so id estab ishment fe ow and probab y didn9t have any interest in humanitarian causes. (his was a sign of my insu arity# and maybe my ack of appreciation for the importance of moot courts# and 8har ie hand ed it e-ce ent y# saying# 0I think you mis.udge me# Jim.0 item%%2"8! <or some reason I was fee ing one day ike doing a itt e drawing and I happened to have a drawing pad so I spent an hour sitting on the couch in our suite at 3?4 3right $a drawing the door of entrance to the suite# in penci . (he outer edge was a very dark# vertica # thin shape. item%%!"01 (hrough my connections at Dwight $a on campus I earned about the weekends run by 8hristian 8ommunity 2ction in the $i 7eighborhood of 7ew $aven. (hey were an opportunity for peop e unfami iar with the urban prob ems in 7ew $aven to get up c ose to some of the community eaders there# who wou d be ab e to te them what it was rea y ike. It was popu ar among suburbanites who wished to do good. I decided to attend one. 882 was headed by the =ev. David 7ehring# a ta soft%spoken white man. $e accompanied us on the event. (he on y session I distinct y remember was one with 3i ie 8ounse # the president of the $i &arents 2ssociation. I don9t remember what he said but it was a wake%up ca to how far from 2frican 2merican rea ity our ives were. 2fter the presentation he asked us to go around the room and have each person make a statement about what >r. 8ounse had said. (here were about 1! of us. 3hen it came to be my turn I was breaking out in tears# as I had had an aha moment as each person spoke# in that I saw I was a racist# despite my c aims to be sympathetic to b ack peop e# that it was part of my make%up and not easi y cast out. I said so much in my statement and I was rea y +uite overcome by my insight. 2fter a the statements were given >r. 8ounse commented. I don9t reca everything he said but he did

say that he fe t I was someone who might someday rea y do a ot for the b ack man in need. It is my be ief that a racist monarchy in the :nited 'tates was a erted to my danger to the racist cause. by my moving statement at the meeting with 3i ie 8ounse . It is my further be ief that soon after this weekend things began to go terrib y wrong for me. I wou d assert that it was because of this racist monarchy. <or a discussion of this c aim about the weekend see segment 3300# item 5<8D. item%%?622 Ene weekend night when there were a ot of co ege mi-ers going on John brought into our suite two gir s from the 8atho ic gir s9 schoo .ust north of Ca e# 2 bertus >agnus. $e introduced them to me. (hey said they were from some other schoo than 2 bertus >agnus. 3e didn9t find out unti ater about their itt e game# but it was a in good fun. 2 ot of 2 bertus students didn9t ike the way Ca e students treated them. 2t some point we a four agreed to go on a doub e date the ne-t week or so. I got paired with 2nn =hodes# +uiet and we %bui t# and John got paired with the other gir # named >ary. (hey were both +uite nice ooking. 3e picked them up at 2 bertus on the appointed hour and wa ked to Ca e for our date%%I forget what the date consisted of. I found out 2nn was an e-ce ent student in math. (his c ued me in to the possibi ity that John# who knew I iked math# had arranged the date .ust to he p me out in ny search for a nice gir . 2nn9s se f%contro was monumenta and I wasn9t ab e to get c ose enough to her to estab ish a connection. 2t one point in the wa k back to Ca e John and I had a chance to wa k together and ta k. I had been trying to have the same ro e with him as I was seeking with 8hick# to act as a faci itator for more norma socia process# as I saw it. $e was very forthright with me and said he fe t he didn9t need my he p. I immediate y understood him and said ok# then I9 stop it. 7o hard fee ings at a # at east not after a moment of read.ustment. I ran into 2nn ater in the four years of co ege at a mi-er at one of the Ca e residentia co eges# either 'ti es or >orse# and ta ked to her and that was as far as I got. I asked her to dance and she said she didn9t be ieve in it. I think she must have known I was dreaming about getting my hands on her we % bui t body. 2nn graduated summa and went to $arvard Baw 'choo . 2t this writing she is a professor of aw at Boyo a :niversity here in 8hicago. item%%;<12 During freshman year I attended Batte 8hape 9s service most every 'unday. I iked =everend 3i iam ' oan 8offin9s sermons# the passing of the peace# and the concerns of the church. I iked the idea of Ca e peop e gathering and sharing as strangers. item%%!;22 <irst semester of freshman year I took five courses) Design 8ontinuum# ; ementary ;conomics# ;ng ish%%Biterature Backgrounds# 2dvanced <rench# and Binear 2 gebra H 2na ytic Deometry.

2t the time# Ca e used a grading sca e of honors# high pass# pass# and fai . >y grades first semester were) Design 8ontinuum# honors ; ementary ;conomics# pass ;ng ish Biterature Background# high pass 2dvanced <rench# pass Binear 2 gebra H 2na ytic Deometry# high pass item%%5?"4 (he Design 8ontinuum was what was ca ed a 8o ege 'eminar# a sma c ass administered under one of the residentia co eges# this one being with 'i iman 8o ege# rather than# or perhaps in addition to# the Ca e 8o ege curricu um. (he teacher was =oger ;ber ie# a professiona artist with a master9s degree which +ua ified him to teach in a co ege. =oger9s own work inc uded things made from boat sai s. 3e started out with c ass members taking turns mode ing for short poses# c othed. Eur medium was water%di uted India ink# with Japanese brushes# and newspaper print pads. (hen we got into the sing e assignment for the course# which was to make a co ection of items of design interest from a around the campus# found items. =oger iked my co ection# gave me a curious ook# and gave me an honors for the course# .ust for first semester. (he c ass# inc uding >r. ;ber ie# smoked some hashish on a ho e in an empty pop can. I dec ined. (his action was# in my view today# no more nor ess a vio ation of 'i iman property than my masturbating on top of a tab e in the 'i iman 8o ege ibrary whi e home ess# as recorded in segment !!00# item id 2222. item%%D0?B I didn9t en.oy economics. (he teacher9s name was =eyno ds# not the same as the author of the te-t. ; asticity of the demand and supp y curves didn9t make any sense to me. 2fter that I .ust he d on for the ride and got a pass as a grade. item%%B<0< ;ng ish Biterature Backgrounds had one ecture and two sectiona discussions per week. (he ecture was given in rotation by a the section teachers. >y section teacher was >ar.orie Darber# a young woman. I passed her on the street on the $arvard campus one day when I was staying at a home ess she ter in Boston# see segment !?00# item id ;!<!. (he ecture was he d in Bins ey%8hittendon $a . I was rea y impressed when one of the ecturers had a brainstorm during his ecture and made a diversion. (he on y student I recogni/ed in ecture was 2nn &arker# whom I had kissed on a huge bou der during the conference run by the 8hap ain9s office before c asses started freshman year. 3e weren9t speaking. $er notes were vo uminous and very neat y written. >ine were sparse and garb ed. I was not active in section discussions. 2 few of the guys were. (here were no gir s. >s. Darber said a few things that made me notice her# but I don9t remember the nature of them.

2nother student in the c ass# 2 e-ander 'herriffs# befriended me and took me to see >s. Darber at her apartment in 7ew $aven. En a tab e she had a drawing of a woman by one of her students. I don9t reca who the drawing was of# maybe a mode . 2 e-ander# or 'andy# ca ed her 0>arge.0 >y papers were a mundane and uninspired. I genera y had to stay up a night the ast day to comp ete them. I used the rooms in 8onnecticut $a # which were used by one student each by convention. It was the day of typewriters. (he papers were usua y about five to ten pages ong. (he works I reca studying were $omer9s I iad# Dante9s Inferno# 8ervantes9 Don Oui-ote# and I be ieve something by >o iere. (he one c ever assignment was for Dante9s Inferno. It was to devise a combination of a sin and a suitab e pena ty. (he idea of the c ass was to cover some of the works on the ;uropean continent which served as a background for ;ng ish iterature. I was not a good reader and usua y never comp eted reading the works. I read ha d of the I iad. 7either my speed nor comprehension was good. By taking this course for a fu year I was granted credit for high schoo work as a fu year of co ege eve work because I got a 3 out of ! possib e on the 2dvanced & acement test in ;ng ish. item%%!2"0 2dvanced <rench was taught by a native <renchman. I wasn9t a good <rench student. Ene of the students a ways wore a tie and brought a briefcase. I had a crush on one of the students named Baura 'ch essinger# a ce o p ayer with the Ca e 'ymphony. 'he went for a ta thin Dreek in c ass. I got to be chatty with Baura# but fai ed to attract her. 'he introduced me to the famous Dary (rudeau# author of the comic strip then ca ed Bu (a es and ater Doonesbury. Ene day I met her in the Ca e bookstore and she ta ked about how music ensemb e work was ike a ove affair. Ene I wasn9t a part of# I mused to myse f. (he on y work I reca was 'amue Beckett9s Waiting for !odot. (here was .ust about ni for stage setting# and I found therefore it easy to focus on the dia og. It was an ear y c ass and I a ways rushed in at the ast moment# skipping breakfast after getting up ate. I did my work ate into the night. <rench met three times a week. item%%23?4 Binear 2 gebra H 2na ytic Deometry c ass was a one semester c ass taught by Deorge >ostow# the author of the te-t. (his course had a prere+uisite of ca cu us and I p aced out of it by having an 2dvanced & acement test score of 4 out of ! possib e. I went to the office of the director of graduate studies to discuss it and he said it wou d be difficu t for me to get back to other math courses if I did this because I didn9t p ace out of the third course in ca cu us. I ooked upon math and science as mere y satisfying the university re+uirements for distribution in various areas# and so I wanted something .ust to keep myse f amused# which ca cu us wasn9t.

(he first coup e weeks of c asses were when students wou d investigate various courses they were interested in but weren9t sure about. I attended two different teachers in this math course and the one I didn9t choose was an 2sian who started out standing at the board for what seemed ike five minutes .ust mu ing over his statement of the tit e of the course. >r. >ostow was brimming with speech and so I chose him. I dated a gir ater by the name of Debbie Dans who knew >r. >ostow9s daughter 8aro very we . Debbie9s father was on the facu ty in design at Ca e and had designed a stamp for the :.'. government. I never met 8aro . 2s a home ess I once attended an affair at the math schoo and during the reception I ta ked to >r. >ostow and showed him some work I was doing with symbo s and asked him if he thought there was anything to it. $e made a comment about L bar# but said there wasn9t anything to my work. I wasn9t deterred# .ust a itt e miffed. I wasn9t a math ma.or type student and on y got a high pass for the course. I worked on the homework every 'unday night# ate# before c ass on >onday morning. (he (2 knew me by name# which I iked. I got up an hour ate for the fina e-am# showed up when everyone was working on it# finished ear y# and got a high pass. item%%8D23 During 8hristmas break I returned to 8hicago. I had a party for 7ew Cear9s for &ame a ;spe and# whom I had dated steady during the summer between high schoo and co egeM p us the coup e of &eter Druenberg and Binda 'to t/# who had occasiona y made a p ay for meM and the coup e of Jim von der $eydt and >artha $err# whom I wou d rather have had than &am. 3e he d the party around the bar my father had bui t in the basement and there was a ro %away bed in the ad.acent room. (he basement was a open space# no ha ways. (he three of us coup es agreed to take the bed one at a time# to whatever e-tent we wanted. 3hen &am and I had it she gasped to me# 0there9s a wayI0 I figured she meant coitus interruptus and said yes I knew. 3e undressed and her figure was so unappea ing I intentiona y abandoned a sincere act with her and desperate y thought of my e-periences e.acu ating in my mother9s underc othes in order to c ima.ust to keep &am of the opinion she was satisfying to me. I had never before had se- with a woman. It had a ways been cross%dressing# a one. (his time# interrupting it# was bothersome and served on y a ong%dec ined socia rea ity from high schoo . 3hen I returned to Ca e the first phone conversation I had with &am# who was studying at 8ar ton 8o ege in 7orthfie d# >7# I acted on what was now c ear understanding that this re ationship cou d easi y be surpassed given my being at Ca e# even despite the ow fema e to ma e ratio. I phrased it with difficu ty# there having been nothing I had said beforehand to indicate disp easure. I said I was .ust starting to fee ike I didn9t ove her anymore# or something ike that. 'he started to cry# but I had gotten the .ob done and now I cou d move forward with ife. 1"5" 12 31 1 06 23 1! segment 3200 1"60 0? 0! 0 10 25 4?

item%%888D 2t a mi-er at 8a houn 8o ege I danced with a wi d gir . I got her name%%Debby 7ied/wicki. 'he was

an 2 bertus >agnus student. I took her to ;ast =ock &ark# but she proved to be wi d y untameab e and resisted my efforts to ho d her hand. I went to see her again at her dorm# a house# and whi e I ta ked with some friends of hers she danced in the room. item%%D!1< I trave ed to Ehio sometime hereabouts and visited my re atives the 2ndersons with my mother9s mother# Betty 3i t# at the 2ndersons9 home. 2ndrea 2nderson had become +uite attractive in my view. I wanted to get her to go for a wa k outside with me but I didn9t have the nerve to ask. 2fter a # she was a re ative. Incest hadn9t ever been discussed in our fami y. <or some reason I had a private moment with Betty 3i t and I voiced this secret desire of mine and my re uctance to act. 'he was rea y insistent that if it was something I wanted I shou d do it. I sti didn9t have the nerve and didn9t do it. item%%?BB" Jane 2nderson and her new husband# Aar 3ise# drove me to where I was going after the visit with the 2ndersons. I sat in the back of the car# Aar drove# and Jane sat in the front on the right side. It was a ta kative trip as it was my first opportunity to be with Jane in anything ike privacy# I having been attracted to her for a ong time. I wanted .ust to ta k to Jane but Aar was there and I had to be e-cessive y sappy in order to be ab e to do a ot of the ta king and show Jane what I was ike. item%%0?8! In the spring of freshman year at Ca e I saw a notice about mountaineering. It seemed ike an adventure worth doing so I signed up for a trip to =agged >ountain in 8onnecticut. I don9t reca the trip e-ept for the fact that it was pretty easy for me and created an interest. I was a owed then to sign up for a more advanced trip# to the 'hawangunk >ountains in 7ew Cork 'tate. In the interim before the trip I took the advice of the >ountaineering c ub to buy a pair of specia shoes for mountain c imbing. (hey were fit to a coup e si/es sma er than your street shoes# to create a more sensitive toeho d. (hey were ca ed k etershoes. It was a one day trip. 3e arrived some ways distant from the ridge and wa ked across a considerab e e-panse of strewn rocks to get there. (he ridge was a ong high rocky face# maybe a mi e ong. 2t the foot of the ridge there was a c eared path a a ong its ength. (he mountain rose straight up from there. Ene member of another party was practicing on a sma portion of the face and gave me a sense of the difficu ty I faced. (here were severa parties from Ca e and mine was myse f# a gir named 8indy who was probab y a freshman# and a guy who was probab y an upperc assman. (hese two others were e-perienced c imbers and occupied the e-treme ends of the rope# with myse f tied into the center. I earned a few basic knots and a few basic ca s. Ene knot was a bo in. (he ca s I earned were 0on be ay0 which was shouted by a c imber be ow the active c imber when the c imber be ow was pitched in and ready to cut short any fa s. 0c imb on0 which was shouted by the same c imber when a was ready for the c imb# and 0c imbing0 which was shouted by the active c imber .ust before setting out. En y one person active y c imbed at a time.

:p we went. I had earned at =agged >ountain to push my hand reach far beyond what was comforab e# as a matter of habit. (his I app ed here. (he main difficu ty I had with the c imb was a ong hori/onta c imb with on y a coup e inches of footing and s ight bumps in the rock as handho ds. I got ha f%way across and then I started to ose my handho d# and pitched s ight y away from the c iff. (he two other c imbers pu ed me back to the rock face. I9m not sure whether I comp eted the 0traverse0 as they9re ca ed# without being he d in by the rope. I did make it to the other side. $igher up there was a big outcrop bou der in the path. I hadn9t seen how the top c imber had surmounted it. 'omehow I got past it# with handho ds on rock reaching out from the vertica face. En the top# we rested and took in a magnificent view. (he other side of the >ountain was a gent e s ope down to the f at earth. It was a wonderfu adventure. item%%0D52 2fter mountain c imbing I saw a notice about caving. (he c ub was ca ed the Ca e 'pe eo ogica 'ociety. I decided to go on an outing. 3e were issued he mets with a chamber on them for acety ene in powder form. 3hen this substance is wetted it produces a f amab e gas# which serves as ight in the cave. (hese are a so ca ed carbine amps. Behind the f ame is a parabo ic mirror to achieve a focus for the ight so it concentrates on one spot. (he cave was in another state# near y comp ete y indistinct from the surrounding pasture and# which stretched across the fie d of view. (he entrance was a narrow triangu ar opening in a sma pi e of arge rocks. Ether cavers popped into this opening and disappeared# and so when my turn came I did the same. I s id on my seat down a ong chute# about thirty feet ong# co d with snow as yet unme ted in the dark# and p opped onto a hori/onta ground. It was pitch b ack unti my eyes got accustomed and the on y ight was from a the he mets. 3e e-p ored the cave# going down this fissure and that# and when a passage went farther than we cou d at first see the person in it ca ed back# 0it goesI0 (here was one passage that you had to go underwater and craw to an opposite side where there was space to craw in and air to breathe. (owards the end there was a passage I attempted to pursue as far as possib e and this ca ed for me to be perfect y sti and s+uee/e into a very sma space# deeper and deeper# unti fina y there was no more space# so I c imbed back out.

(he e-it of the cave# different from the entrance# took us into a poo of water that was fed by two springs# a hot and a co d# and by moving around in the poo you cou d choose your water temperature. (he bath was necessary# as the cave had made us a very muddy. item%%B221 'econd semester of freshman year at Ca e I took continuations of Design 8ontinuum# ; ementary ;conmics# ;ng ish Biterature Backgrounds# and 2dvanced <rench. I a so took a semester course# Dovernment and &o itics in the :rban ;nvironment. Ca e re+uired a number of things for graduation# one of which was 35 semesters of courses. (his cou d be satisfied by taking ha f of the time four courses a semestser and the other ha f five courses. Ca e gave me credit for one year of >ath and one year of ;ng ish because of my 2& tests# so I was ab e to take a fu semester off and bicyc e in ;urope. >y grades second semester of freshman year were) Design 8ontinuum# high pass ; ementary ;conomics# satisfactory ,a specia option due to the disruptions of >ayday* ;ng ish Biterature Background# high pass 2dvanced <rench# pass Dovernment H &o itics in the :rban ;nvironment# high pass item%%26D3 'econd semester of Design 8ontinuum >r. ;ber ie commented at the end that my work was not as good as it had been first semester and I on y got a high pass. item%%2?5< Dovernment and &o itics in the :rban ;nvironment c ass was taught by the on y professor I had who smoked during c ass. (he course materia was not remarkab e. I took the course because I was contemp ating a career serving society# rather than a career in science or math. I got a high pass. item%%8602 (his was the era of the Jiet 7am war. >ayday# >ay 1 of every year# being a traditiona time of sabre% ratt ing by eft%wing e-tremists# that is# arge demonstrations and passionate speeches# a number of groups got together and organi/ed for a demonstration on the 7ew $aven green to ast a coup e of days or so inc uding >ay 1. 2s the date approached word spread far and wide of the p anned demonstration and young /ea ots from who knows how far away but definite y from a a ong the ;ast 8oast p anned to attend. (he numbers were to overs of the peace frightening# especia y as there was ta k of intentions to foment vio ence. Ca e was said to be a prime target. It was a so a time in which a B ack &anther named Bobby 'ea s was on tria in 7ew $aven# something about a murder or murders as I reca . Both sides of this tria were wary of the other or worse and Ca e seemed a natura target in matters of entrenched power and the appearance of ack of sympathy for the downtrodden and their# presumab y# protectors such as the B ack &anthers. But Ca e# notab y its &resident# Aingman Brewster# came up with a great deterrent. >r. Brewster made a pub ic statement to the effect that he didn9t see how 'ea s cou d get a fair tria what with a the

pressures for action against the &anthers# and though I don9t reca how the tria ended >r. Brewster9s statement was read as utter y astonishing by the media and this def ated much of the animosity toward Ca e. (hen to sea the dea Ca e made p ans for# and e-tensive y promu gated word of# a ma.or operation to house and feed the visiting demonstrators# housing them in vo unteer student rooms and feeding them from big vats of fami ia under tents on the E d 8ampus# one of the principa open areas on campus# a at no cost and no +uestions asked. 3e had a demonstrator stay in our room. $e had with him a motorcyc e he met to protect himse f from po ice batans. I vo unteered to be a medic of sorts and wa ked around with a water s+uee/e bott e to wash out eyes when the mustard gas hit# and it did hit# and I did wash out eyes. (he sounds of the event were very muted. Ca e suffered no damage I know of. item%%62D8 Between freshman and sophomore years at Ca e I again worked at <ermi ab# and again with Dave 'utter as boss. I had two coworker techs named Bob &ighetti and 2 (anner. Ene day I was at Binco n &ark Loo in 8hicago and there was 2 with about 30 of his re atives. 3e had a nice he o. 2 and his fami y were b ack. I was sent for a week or so to do some work for a chemist at the ab. $e was a german fe ow and it showed in his discip ine. 3hen he met me he took out a notebook and carefu y recorded a the detai s that I re ated about myse f in answer to his +uestions. (he work I did for him was to ayer together sheets of fiberg ass fabric between coatings of epo-y resin. (hey were sma sheets# about si- inches by si- inches. It must have been for a test of the coatings for some e ectromagnet. 2nother guest assignment was with a physicist named $si <eng. $e had me trans ate the physica components on a circuit board into functiona symbo s in their proper re ationships in a circuit. item%%;5"2 2t the beginning of the summer of 1"60 I got a phone ca from 7orm 'wett# a friend who had been an editor on the high schoo schoo newspaper with me. Ene of his sisters# Baurie# had become invo ved with the student union I had worked on the previous summer. 2pparent y there was some prob em with motivation again and 7orm urged me to re.oin the group and get it going. 'o I did. 2t one of the first meetings I attended that summer# he d outside on the awn in the back yard of the student union# I suggested they give a b ock party and spread the word that there was such a p ace as the student union. (his seemed to fa on ferti e ground and it was decided to go ahead with it. I went home and drew up a personne profi e for the work to be done# how many adu ts and how many students for each part of the work. 2t the ne-t meeting# in the iving room of the student union# I distributed copies of this ayout to everyone# saying forcefu y as I began to hand them out# 0(his is going to workI0 ;veryone g ad y signed up and a the work had what I had ca cu ated to be an ade+uate team of workers. I ed a team of students to hire a band. (he first one we considered was Dave =edmond9s band. Eur team went to audition them at Dave9s home.

2fter they p ayed one number the team was rea y e-cited and wanted to hire them. But I fe t the drummer seemed a bit ine-perienced so I asked for a drum so o. $e gave it# I was satisfied# and we hired the band. I had the idea of putting the band on a hay oft. 3e found a nearby farmer who agreed to et us use his oft for free. (he day of the event I went out in my mother9s car with some of the students and we hitched the vehic e to the car and took it to the student union. 3e he d the party in both the ad.acent b ock of <orest 'treet and the student union grounds and house. (here were refreshments# inc uding the bu k soda dispensers. (here was a dunking booth that got a ot of s+uee s of de ight. Ene of the gir s who sat in it was =o-anne Dreeno. 'he and her sister Co anda were active student union members. I had a crush on Co anda. =o-anne had a crush on me. (hey invited me to a fondue party at their home. (heir parents were very sympathetic to their daughters9 activities and as I was a key p ayer in them they had a ot sympathy for me. I took Co anda out canoeing with a canoe kept by <ermi ab for emp oyee use. I had the idea for the b ock party of putting up a big p ywood sheet and having a tab e of paint for peop e to put graffiti up on the sheet. &arty%goers comp ete y covered the sheet with graffiti. 'o many peop e f ocked to the party that it was a comp ete success. &eop e were streaming in and out of the house a night. I remember asking Dave =edmond if he had gotten his check# and he said he had. (his was in the kitchen of the student union bui ding as I entered from the outside as the crowd outside was making a tremendous racket. In the succeeding weeks attendance at the student union was phenomena . I returned to schoo at the end of the summer confident it wou d ast and be a popu ar p ace for D enbard 3est students. $owever# I got word at schoo that three men# a of whom were friends of mine# had broken into the bui ding and burned it to the ground. (heir names were John 2nderson# John <orker# and >ark Aou/manoff# at east that9s what some students union members reported to me. (hey got caught somehow. I don9t know what their fates were# e-cept that John 2nderson and John <orker were recorded somewhere as being a ive at the time of the 40th reunion of our high schoo graduating c ass. I wrote a etter to the editor of the oca newspaper# (he D en ; yn 7ews# e-horting the student union organi/ation to turn the disaster to good and aunch a capita funds drive. >rs. Jirginia Bess# a key adu t with the student union# said it was a great etter# but without me to be present and ead the effort# it was futi e. ;ventua y# the vi age of D en ; yn estab ished a drop%in center for youth# housed in the city ha that was former y Duane 'treet 'choo . I visited it at one point and got very good reports about its usage rate. item%%8DD< Ene of the students who took part in the D en ; yn 'tudent :nion the summer of 1"60 was Ingrid 'pe nes. 'he was a coup e years younger than her sister 'o veig# the gir friend and ater wife of my friend Deorge 'chu t/. I had a chance to ta k to her and thought she was very attractive. I went to her home in D en ; yn one day in my mother9s car to see if I might be ab e to ta k to her.

3hen I arrived at the door of the 'pe nes home and knocked >rs. 'pe nes came to the door. 2s soon as she saw me she got tense and snuck out the door to confront me the same way my :nc e Bi 3i t did when I came to his door in 8 aremont# 82# when I first became home ess. 'he didn9t want me entering her house. 'he then took me out to the curb of the road in front of her house and we sat down there. 2t some point when we were at her door I to d her I was there to see Ingrid but >rs. 'pe nes# as I reca # comp ete y ignored me. By the curb she to d me she knew that my sister 'andy was the academic shining ight of my fami y. >y sister was a p ain honor ro student in high schoo . I was a consistent high honor ro student. I tried to be po ite to >rs. 'pe nes about this +uestion and e-pressed my contrary view of who was the academic shining ight of my fami y. 'he ignored me. In about 2012 I sent a <acebook private message to Ingrid# who had friended me# to d her the story about this incident with her mother# and asked Ingrid if she knew anything about it. 'he never answered my message. 2t this writing in 2013 I have yet to get any communications of any kind from Ingrid. $er sister 'o veig has corresponded with me numerous times. 'he is divorced from Deorge. item%%4446 'ometime during the summer of 1"60 when I worked my ast summer for the D en ; yn 'tudent :nion# I was wa king from the student union to my father9s hair dressing sa on and in the e-it to the parking ot ad.acent to the 7orthwestern =ai way tracks I was moved by a sudden spirit of e-u tation over having a future of historica proportions because of my community work. I eaped in the air and uttered# 0I have so much to bui dI0 Ene other time I eaped into the air this way but for opposite reasons. I was eaving 7ew Cork 8ity# hitchhiking# as a home ess person and fe t someone was watching me from space and seeing to it I never succeeded. (his time# though# I didn9t say anything# .ust gesticu ated wi d y in anger. I describe this a so in segment !!00# item id D35". 1"60 0? 0! 0 10 25 4? segment 3300 1"61 03 10 0 01 30 20

@@item%%2?23 1"60 0" to 1"61 05 'ophomore year at Ca e :niversity in 7ew $aven# 8(. item%%5<8D 2t the beginning of freshman year I had set for myse f in the most tentative terms the goa of working comp ete y on my own in some inner city for the benefit of poor b ack peop e. In the sophomore year I became e igib e for a Ca e work%study .ob. (hese were positions in the 7ew $aven community ocated by the student in which ha f the sa ary wou d come from the community organi/ation and ha f wou d come from Ca e# making these positions va uab e sources of abor for the organi/ations and thus easier to arrange than .ust a part%time .ob. I decided to create such a position. >y first idea was to work for 3i ie 8ounse at his organi/ation ca ed the $i &arents 2ssociation. I had encountered >r. 8ounse at his organiaation during the weekend event sponsored by 8hristian 8ommunity 2ction which I attended at the beginning of freshman year. I had made an e-traordinary impression on >r. 8ounse then%%see segment 3100 item !"01%%and I was hopefu he wou d be an-ious to hire me. I went to see him. 2t our meeting he showed

no sign of reco ection of me and asked what I thought I cou d do for his organi/ation. I was immediate y surprised by this and took the reaction that if my behavior had made no impression on him then there was no onger any reason to be hopefu about the prospects of working there. I muttered a few words of ame se f%promotion# not mentioning the 882 weekend# and >r. 8ounse was not interested. It is my view now that someone# probab y a racist monarch# was a erted by my 882 weekend behavior and had interceded to make >r. 8ounse forget me# thus throwing a wrench into my p ans to be usefu for poor b acks by nu ifying my best efforts to date in that direction. >y second choice was to work for a federa y funded organi/ation ca ed the $i 7eighborhood 8orporation. (his was easier to nu ify than my first choice since I had no record with $78 and thus there was no anticipation of the magnitude effect I was capab e of. I suggested to them I work on the neighborhood newspaper they said they wanted to create# pointing out that I had been managing editor of my high schoo newspaper. (he Director agreed to this. Ever the course of the schoo year I made somewhat regu ar trips to the $i 7eighborhood# a most y b ack and very poor section of 7ew $aven# with a kind of a mantra of ooking for stories. I didn9t know the first thing about starting a newspaper# on y finding and writing stories. I was surrounded by a ha/e and didn9t see the sense essness of my work. It can be ascribed to the racist monarchy. I didn9t write up anything. 3hy do that when there was no newpaperF I9m perp e-ed at how itt e anyone at $78 cared about my not working on what I was supposed to be working on# and didn9t ask what it was that I did do. &erhaps the cheapness of my sa ary made them oathe to +uestion my business p an. I think the same racist monarchy a so interceded to ruin my re ationship with Janet Dougherty# and to perturb my educaton so that my degree was compromised by fai ure to observe departmenta ru es. $owever the impression I made on a racist monarchy in the :.'. must be .u-tiposed with the impression I made on Brian# son of the head of ;ng and9s communist party# the former being a high va uation as an enemy of the cause of racism# the atter being a high va uation as an enemy of 3or d 8ommunism. :n ess one knows the magnitude of these va uations one doesn9t know where to ook for the intercessions they prompted. 2nd if one doesn9t know how these parties prioriti/e the many e ements of their strategic view of the wor d then one doesn9t have any way to accurate y guage their va uations of threats from a specific person. In the case of communism this presents a prob em more comp e- than comparative economics before 1"?"# which I know from course work at Ca e to have been an art and not a science despite the attempts of e-perts at the time to use mathematics to compare capita ist and communist economies. 8omparative economics after 1"?" pursued the new pattern of capita ism succeeding communism in what had been the :.'.'.=. and I have no e-perience with that# but it certain y didn9t come about because of theoretica advancements in comparative economics. Diven the fact that communism# as represented by 8hina and with the recognition that >ar- was an outstanding economist whether or not you accept his c aim that capita ism is a ways superceded by communism# is fu y ab e to subsume a the goods of a capita ist system into its own terms# it is arguab e that communism is a better .udge of capita ist va ues than capita ism a .udge of communist va ues. >y task is to suggest some va ue for my usefu ness that is arge enough that it doesn9t undercut the va ue p aced on me by communism but sma enough that it can be checked within some rea wor d view. If it undercuts the communist figure then a conse+uences of the suggested figure wi take a spin dictated by the communists. Diven the superior understanding of the communists of economics# the figures wi not be in do ars# but it wi be in some terms which inc ude the hunger of a given society for the type of person being .udged here# its abi ity to use such a person# and the resu ts which are known to be possib e from such a combination.

2 ogica initia guess wou d have to be that there is no precedent for such a combination. (hat a one wou d e-p ain the e-treme permanence of the intercession# provided the range of possibi ities considered is sufficient y beyond every precedent that e-ists to make up for the fact that communist va ues among the e ite of them cannot be mode ed very we # making it impossib e to know where they e-trapo ate to. (his is a rea %time process and every suggestion I make that affects communist strategy can be assumed to fa into the communists9 hands before it fa s to :.'. interests9 hands. (he suggestion that there is no precedent eads one immediate y to the conc usion that every path toward me# in body or in information# eads eventua y to unprecedented events that if occurring mu tip y wi merge. sub%item%%D!8! In my sophomore year Darry Bruack# who succeeded me at D enbard 3est $igh 'choo as managing editor of the D en Bard# the schoo newspaper# came to Ca e as a freshman. Darry introduced me to a fe ow 'aybrook student named Boring# or Joe# Ingraham. Joe# a freshman ike Darry # to d Darry and me how to break into one of the secret societies at Ca e# Book and 'nake. 3e used a garden hose to et ourse ves down a vertica air shaft in the back yard. (hen it was a ong hori/onta path through a tunne to the bui ding. 3e pried open a vent and got in. 3e e-p ored the bui ding. (here were some beds in a room by the front door. (here was a room with a sku on a desk in the front of the room and a ot of screwed in seats fi ing the room. :pstairs there was a huge space with a ong dark eather couch. In the basement there were coo ers with food in them. 3e each took a copy of a history book about the society. (here was a who e row of them on a she f in the room with the beds. sub%item%%;;<2 Boring and I spent a who e night trying to break into 'ku and Bones secret society. 3e managed to get onto the roof using a ong wooden board across the gap with the ad.acent bui ding# but that was as far as we cou d get. <rom the roof you cou d see the enc osed back yard. 2t one point Boring asked me if I wanted to keep going and when I said yes he said to me# 0I see you9re a hardcore.0 sub%item%%<;DD 2t the beginning of the year one day when I chose to have unch at 8ommons# where most of the freshmen had unch a the time# I sat down at a tab e where Darry Bruack was sitting with a gir . Darry introduced her as Janet Dougherty# a fe ow student in his ear y concentration phi osophy program# and a so a freshman. Janet was wearing a cute peasant outfit with a rea y nice bodice that f aired out and showed that she had a reasonab y nice bosom. It seemed to be some kind of fashion creation of note# though I knew itt e about such things. I iked her atttention span and genera awareness of everything. It was intense but humane. I wondered if she and Darry were serious because I decided I wou d make a p ay for her if I cou d. (here didn9t seem to be any interest by Darry in her.

Janet and I continued to ta k after unch was over and the two of us wa ked back 'outh# she to the ibrary# and there we stopped near the main entrance# she a coup e of stair steps above me. I made my p ay by asking her out for a tour of $arkness (ower# which I knew the cari oners gave regu ar y. It seemed a rea y nice romantic date to do. Janet ooked at me with sudden curiousity and paused for a shade of a moment# then said yes. In eight months it wou d end terrib y# but for now I was p eased with it being one of the few yes answers I had gotten from a gir at Ca e. (here definite y was an advantage in being a year past freshman myse f. sub%item%%44B2 (he date of the tour of $arkness (ower went e-treme y we . Jistas of the Ca e campus and the community of 7ew $aven were e-ce ent. Janet and I found a nook apart from the tour entourage and we did a itt e kissing# very tender y. sub%item%%D"62 En a date with Janet whose main attraction I do not reca # we passed through the basement of Branford 8o ege# a kind of rough environment in genera with ots of steam pipes e-posed# but there was a poo room with no one present and we stopped there# fee ing our inertia was headed toward e-pressing a physica re ationship and that re+uired stopping our ocomotion and assuming an approach to space more aggressive y. Janet sat up on a poo tab e. I stood in front of her# and we began to pet. I was rea y heated up right away# and so I think was she. I pressed her breasts deep y together and it was thri ing# with resonances deep in my sense of ambition at that moment for having Janet be my partner for the time being# maybe a ong time but that was not in my thoughts. 3e et the fee ings go knowing there was time yet to pursue them at ength# and some recognition that it a so carried a danger. (his danger# however# was actua y a conditiona one a ready# for as I earned short y she had an irregu ar period and was taking birth contro pi s for treatment. Janet said very itt e about it# and wanting to approach it at her pace I didn9t ever suggest that we take advantage of her being on the pi and go ahead and copu ate free y as our desires might have induced us to. sub%item%%?6B4 I had an interest in doing art# inc uding disp aying it. I did some pen drawings of abstract forms and put them up on the wa s of our suite# about ten drawings in a . It was something ike a signature%%as much c aim to authorship as origina ity or merit. 3hen Janet saw them she berated me for doing it# and asked why I did it. (his created a fee ing of incompatibi ity that I never got over. 'he had no compassion. 'he was consumed by business. item%%422< Ene day Janet commented that she wanted to ive to the age of !00. I had heard of peop e iving to the age of about 1!0 ma-imum so I said to her I wanted to ive to 1!0 and if we were sti together at that point I wou d consider increasing my target to !00. sub%item%%84!D Jery ear y in our re ationship Janet and I spent a night together in her bed. 'he had three roommates) Bes ie Dunn# a gir named Ju ie# and a gir named ;mi y. I be ieve ;mi y and Janet shared a bunk bed. Janet9s was the top bed. Bes ie was an aristocrat who was fre+uent y ca ed on by two upperc ass men# Draham 2rader and Jin (ian. Bes ie was a ways courteous to me. I ca ed her from 8hicago in 1""2.

'ee segment 6000# item ?D?D. 3e kept it +uiet# but Janet gave oos and ahhs as my hands e-p ored her body thorough y for hours on end. (hen we s ept. sub%item%%B?;0 Ene night Janet s ept over in my bed. I had two roommates# Jon <rederick <atu a and &eter $a deman $ickok. I shared a bunk bed with &eter# mine the top. (his was a more ambitious night. I e.acu ated upon the entrance to Janet9s vagina. (hinking she was taking the pi # I considered it ess serious a danger than I might have. (he ne-t day at dinner with Janet and some friends at 'aybrook# Janet and Darry 9s residentia co ege# Janet casua y and without drama of any sort noted that she had missed her birth contro pi the previous day. 2fter dinner I spoke to her c ose y and pointed out that our night9s passions cou d have put her at risk of becoming pregnant. 'he definite y hadn9t considered this. Janet made an appointment with her gyneco ogist in town and I took her to it. I had taken in my freshman year a non%credit course in human se-ua ity and I earned there of the e-istence of a morning after pi . I pointed this recourse out to Janet before she went in to see the doctor. 3hen she came out she said he had found that there was a possibi ity of pregnancy and he had arranged for the morning after pi to be taken right away with Janet as an inpatient at the Ca e infirmary# which was ocated in a former residentia bui ding. Cears ater as a graduate student at Ca e this bui ding had been converted to a graduate dorm and I boarded there. I visited Janet during her stay and she seemed to be doing ok. 2t that time the morning after pi was fair y new and considered a possib e source of comp ications. I don9t suppose they rea y knew if she was actua y pregnant. (he morning after pi is tantamount to a mini%abortion. It dis odges the ovum from the wa s of the uterus# and the ovum never deve ops. sub%item%%2B20 Ene day Janet and I were studying together in the room over the entrance to Branford 8o ege on $igh 'treet# ne-t to and entering upon $arkness (ower. 3e took time to be together# standing severa feet apart. (he spirit of both of us we ed up# as we cou d see in each other9s eyes# and we spontaneous y rushed into each other9s arms. (hen we separated to severa feet of distance again# and the same thing happened# with e+ua fervor. 3e did it once more# three times in a # each time with e+ua fervor. But the +uestion I wou dn9t have been ab e to answer then was# how did this affect what I p anned to do with my ife. I made no attempt to reach into myse f for such a +uestion9s answer. I was not the man for Janet# no matter how much e-citement we stirred up in each other. 'he was sett ed on her career a ready then# and today she is a professor of phi osophy at 't. Johns 8o ege in 'anta <e# 7>. Bast I knew she was married with chi dren. sub%item%%6?B3 Ever the 8hristmas ho iday I stayed with Janet in her room for two weeks. During those two weeks we made a trip to her home in Bindenhurst# 7C# on Bong Is and to see her mother# 'onny Dougherty# who was a fashion mode .

Janet presented me to her mother in a dark room. $er mother immediate y went up to me and kissed me on the ips# then eft the room. Janet was thri ed by this. 'onny was a perfect ten# as men say. Janet was pretty nice ooking# but not a perfect ten. 'he described her father as somewhat of an eccentric inte ectua type# iving in 8a ifornia. $er parents were divorced. I remember nothing of our trip to her home e-cept being kissed by her mother and Janet9s reaction. sub%item%%32!" 2 so during 8hristmas break# back in Janet9s suite# Janet tried on a do/en new dresses her mother had bought her# a rea y nice# as much haute couture as I was ab e to discern. Janet ooked rea y good and I embraced her and we ay down on the daybed and I c ima-ed over her# sti dressed. I c ima-ed over her again that night and again the ne-t morning. 'he got a big thri over me having three orgasms in 24 hours. 3e showered together once and it was not with arousa . 3e washed each other. sub%item%%D4B6 <irst semester sophomore year my courses and grades were) Introduction to Bio ogy# pass Introductory $istory of 2rt# pass Denera &sycho ogy# pass ; ementary 'panish# pass sub%item%%60<; Introduction to Bio ogy was arge y uninteresting to me. It was not mathematica . I got nothing out of the ectures and did very itt e of the reading. (he students in the ab were most y ath etes not serious y interested in studies. (his inc uded my ab partner. Ene day reading some c ass materia in the 8ross 8ampus Bibrary I came across a itt e mention about there being one feather on both wings of every bird that was critica for f ight# ocated in a particu ar p ace. I got a grade of pass. sub%item%%!;6B Introductory $istory of 2rt c ass was taught by Jincent 'cu y. It was high y recommended by one of my friends. >r. 'cu y gave two ectures a week and there was one section a week taught by a graduate student teaching assistant. >y (2 was named >ichae Ouick. (he ectures were utter y breathtaking and I didn9t take any notes. 8onse+uent y I was unprepared for the e-am and got on y a grade of pass. 3e were supposed to memori/e tit es and artists and dates of a arge number of photos of work on disp ay at the Ca e 2rt Department. I was intimidated by the enormity of the task# a done in pub ic without a desk# and didn9t even attempt it. >r. Ouick wrote high y audatory comments on my first two papers. Ene was about the passage through 3oo sey $a to street eve and the other was about the transition from the Eak 'treet 8onnector to downtown 7ew $aven.

In addition there was a ma.or paper that I did on one of the works in the Ca e 2rt Da ery# an o d masterwork. I tried to identify the artist and be ieved I had found him. I poured over prints in books in the 2rt Bibrary. 3hen I fai ed the e-am >r. Ouick asked me to argue for a pass but he was unimpressed with my argument. $e then gave me a second chance# probab y because he had said to me at one point ear ier that he be ieved I had a future in 2rt $istory. <or the second chance I was to read a book about Beonardo da Jinci and memori/e a the works and artists and dates in part of Jansen9s book# $istory of 2rt. (his was more tractib e for me than the origina situation of works on the wa in pub ic had been. I did the work# took a private e-am with >r. Ouick# and got a passing grade# to my re ief. sub%item%%2;5" Denera &sycho ogy c ass was taught by a woman named Day. I didn9t find the materia usefu . It was a arge c ass. >y grade was pass. I participated in a few e-periments run by the psycho ogy department. Ene invo ved memori/ation of words. 'ome of these e-periments were re+uired to pass the course. 'ome were for pay. sub%item%%D212 ; ementary 'panish c ass was taught by a young woman. I took it because I fe t it wou d be of use working in the inner city eventua y. I didn9t put in much effort# I suppose proving the shaky foundation of my interest in working in the inner city. I did a itt e work at the anguage ab# decided it was not on my persona agenda# and stopped going. I didn9t do much other work either. 3hen I did poor y on the ora e-amination by the teacher I tried to muster something resemb ing effort and she rewarded me# uncomfortab y# with a passing grade. Ence the teacher had a bott e of wine for us and someone found out and the who e c ass was carted off to the offices of 'i iman# where the c ass was he d# and there was a tense scene with the teacher ho ding the bott e# so I stepped forward and took it from her. 2nother instance of a c ass in 'i iman vio ating regu ation and thus feeding into the occasion when I masturbated on a tab e in the 'i iman ibrary as a home ess. 'ee segment !!00# item id 2222. sub%item%%8;B8 I remember going with Janet to a chamber music concert given in one of the residentia co eges. I caressed her hand during the concert and this was the on y incident when we e-hibited a pub ic disp ay of affection. sub%item%%0D?B Ence when Janet was in my room sitting on my bed she ooked at me with what I thought was evi desire. I said# 0you9re not innocent. I9m innocent.0 3e didn9t discuss it. sub%item%%!!D8 Ence when Janet and I were in my room I thought I wou d p ay a game with her# so I suggested it. I said a word at random# she was to say a word at random in response# then I wou d# then she wou d# and so on. (his went on for a ha f%do/en e-changes and we stopped. I e-c aimed# 0wasn9t that neatF0 'he said she didn9t think there was anything in it of va ue# or words to that effect. I was rea y pueri e and Janet at east was trying to grow up on schedu e. I wi say in my defense# though# that I have found that

co o+uia ;ng ish is too restricted for me to work on many of the things I need to work on with becoming socia y capab e. >aybe I sensed this in thinking up this game. sub%item%%;!D8 I was not secure about Janet9s commitment to me. 'he had a friend named 3i Bacey and once I saw them ta king and didn9t ike the way they ta ked%%seemed awfu y dear. 'o I burned up. I took a of Janet9s be ongings she had been keeping in my bedroom# put them in bags# and made severa trips to her dorm with the bags# instructing the door watchman not to ca her down to get the things unti I had moved a of them. (hen I eft. (hat evening when I was standing in ine for dinner at Branford Janet appeared in big crocodi e tears and asked why I did it. 3hen I said why she said there was nothing between her and >r. Bacey. I had a fee ing of pity for her# she was showing so much immaturity# and re ented and said I wou d take her back. I was not conscious of my own immaturity that day# and it definte y was that. sub%item%%0?8< 'econd semester sophomore year my c asses and grades were) Introduction to Bio ogy# pass 20th 8entury &hi osophy# honors &hi osophy of >odern 2rt# high pass &ersona ity Dynamics and Deve opment# high pass ; ementary 'panish# pass sub%item%%?B08 20th 8entury &hi osophy was a c ass of about twenty students taught by Judith Denova. I took it because I was intrigued by some of the things my gir friend# Janet Dougherty had said about phi osophy. 'he was an ear y concentration phi osophy student. I did +uite we in c ass participation. <or my paper I chose to write on ;dmund $usser s Phenomenology of (nternal Time Consciousness. >ost of the reading in this book I did whi e sitting on the ground on a ot# forested by sma spruce trees# owned by the fami y of my roommate &eter $ickok. I found what I be ieved to be an error in the reasoning and when I got back to schoo that9s what I wrote on. >s. Denova# in conference with me to discuss my grade# first said I got an honors and then made some remarks about my point. I went once to a ta k within the phi osophy department and sat ne-t to >s. Denova and she was cordia . 'he had an effervescent manner. sub%item%%;034 &hi osophy of >odern 2rt was a arge ecture course taught by Aarsten $arries# my Ca e 8o ege academic advisor. I en.oyed the course very much# as I iked both art and# it turned out# phi osophy. Ene of the books was >r. $arries9s own Philosophy of Modern Art' I found in that book that he had a wonderfu habit of reaching a strong end in his discussion and then going beyond it# over and over. I did one paper on the work of the artist Cves (anguy and another on a painting by &ave (che itchew entit ed +ide and #eek. >y grades were not fabu ous but I en.oyed a the work. I got a high pass.

sub%item%%60<8 &ersona ity Dynamics and Deve opment gave us an option to either participate in a regu ar sma c ass or to form our own group# ed and graded by ourse ves. >y friend 2 e-ander 'herriffs invited me to .oin a group with a few of his other friends# and he a so invited me to invite my gir friend# Janet Dougherty. Both of us accepted. (his group produced some fair in%c ass discussions# but I was off%center with Janet present and I don9t reca much. 3e decided that each of us wou d give ourse ves our own grade for the course. Ene of us# a fe ow named =obert But/# s y y admitted he was giving himse f an honors because he fe t he earned it. I gave myse f a high pass because I fe t it was the highest grade I cou d get away with under group scrutiny# and not a very strong one at a . (here was a so a fe ow named =ory in the group. 3e studied >as ow# To&ard a Psychology of BeingM <reud# Ci)ili,ation and (ts DiscontentsM and some other books. I spoke with a gir in the group# Jirginia Domingue/# after c ass a coup e times and had I not been going with Janet I might have asked her out. Jery nice gir . I think she was from a midd e eastern country# perhaps Jordan. item%%5822 2t the end of freshman year Jon <atu a and &eter $ickok# both iving in the ad.acent suite in 3right $a # came to my room# numbered 3?4# and asked me if I wanted to room with them sophomore year. 3e had had some good conversations the three of us and I accepted their invitation. I hadn9t started to ook for roommates. (he three of us were a inc uded in the Branford residentia co ege popu ation and norma y wou d have moved in there starting in the sophomore year. 2 freshmen ived on the E d 8ampus b ock of dorms. $owever# Branford was for some reason in short supp y of space moreso than other co eges and some of the suites in 3right $a # which was norma y fi ed with freshmen ma es from Branford and 'aybrook co eges# were assigned to house Branford sophomores# .uniors# or seniors. (here was a ottery for room assignments with various sorts of priorities. (he three of us took the suite where Jon and &eter had ived# 3?3 3right $a . Jon and &eter# being roommates by vo ition rather than assignment# were more congenia roommates than the two I had freshman year# John $utchings and 8hick 2dams# though 8hick and John and I a seemed to want the suite to work# and it did to a certain e-tent. Jon took the sing e bedroom and &eter and I shared the doub e. &eter had a tape recorder and p ayed a ot of c assica music# much to my iking# and I iked the way he had invested in a arge set of b ank tape ree s and when I managed to get my own tape recorder to Ca e I a so made such an investment. &eter had a the Beethoven symphonies on tape and p ayed them often. >any of them I had never devoted much time to before and I was p eased to make some new ac+uaintences among them.

Jon described to me a day in which he sat out on the grounds of the E d 8ampus for 24 hours straight. $is description reminded me of Buddha sitting under the Bodhi tree. Jon had two guests in the suite of note. Ene was 8hris Buck ey# a c ose re ative of 3i iam <. Buck ey Jr.# the noted co umnist. (he other was Jim J asic# an heir to the J asic pick e fortune. Jim had been at 8u ver >i itary 2cademy with Jon. $e was rea ta and skinny and was a &o o p ayer. Ever (hanksgiving break &eter# Jon# and I didn9t go home and stayed in the suite together. Jon fi-ed pancakes on a gridd e. &eter made rice with canned beef consumme in a crockpot. I had never ever had rice that tasted so good. $e used ong grain rice. Jon was into drugs. I earned to ro cigarettes in a itt e machine for him# but I never used. Jon a so used amphetimines. 2s a resu t of his drug use he was unab e to maintain a grade record in good standing for the first semester and was forced to drop out of schoo . $e u timate y comp eted a B2 at the co ege where his father was a professor. (his was probab y Deneva 8o ege as Jon9s fami y ived in Beaver <a s# &2# near the co ege. I took Jon9s sing e bedroom second semester of sophomore year and &eter then had a sing e of his own. Jon and I did some trave ing together at some point in his J3 van. I drove it a the way from 7ew $aven to 8hicago. 3e stopped to visit at his home and in the attic he handed me a sword of his. $e was a fencer in mi itary schoo and comp ained of some unfair ca by the officia s that kept him from taking the state high schoo championship in some category. $e took second p ace. 3hen he handed me the sword I fe t instant y a new form of de-terity and ski . In 8hicago Jon met 2manda >oyer# whom I had met at the 'tudents9 :nion during the summer between freshman and sophomore years at Ca e. 'he and Jon got on grand y and Jon entertained ta k of getting invo ved with her. 2manda and I a so had a re ationship and she came out to Ca e during (hanksgiving sophomore year. Jon and I picked her up at the airport and as the three of us sat in a restaurant I revea ed to 2manda that since the summer I had taken up a r e ationship with a gir at Ca e# Janet Dougherty. 2manda got stee y su en. 'he asked me if I thought Janet was prettier than she was and I said yes. (his made her even angrier# +uiet y. 'he asked if she wou d get a chance to meet Janet and I said no# that I wanted to avoid certain situations. 'he repeated this phrase of mine# casting umbrage on it. 7everthe ess# we a fo owed through on 2manda9s visit to Ca e and on the campus she did everything she cou d to make my ife miserab e. 'he and Jon engaged in p ay acting a due by imaginary sword out on the grounds outside 3right $a during the evening. Jon won. Jon and &eter were very critica of Janet. (he said they thought she wasn9t good enough for me. I paid ip service to a be ief they were wrong. It remains at issue. 3hi e I was out one day Janet got sick and vomited on my rug in the entrance to 3?3 3right $a . I had to have it professiona y c eaned at a rug store in 7ew $aven. Jon and &eter said they were tota y grossed out by this itt e affair. Ene day &eter and I were ta king in my bedroom and he said something he asked me not to te anyone about# which was that he had a arge inheritance. I wi not cite the figure.

2t &eter9s invitation he and I wa ked together in the procession for our graduation. 1"61 03 10 0 01 30 20 segment 3400 1"61 10 12 1 04 33 !2

item%%2"16 Bate in the schoo year when I was a one in my suite9s iving room with Janet she mentioned with a tone I no onger remember that she and her phi osophy teacher had had a very intimate hug in private conference. 'he a ways spoke of him as if the two of them were the on y peop e in the wor d who understood what they understood. I had seen this teacher# whose name was Jay Egi vie# once in the 'aybrook dining room when he came by to say something to Janet. $e wore sty ish c othing# ots of eather. >r. Egi vie was married and had chi dren. I e-pressed my disp easure with this deve opment. Janet said she wasn9t going to stop with it and if I wanted to keep her I wou d have to accept it. (his was the end# and I made a big oud groan thinking I had wasted my commitment to accepting her rigidity hoping she wou d get warmer from being my gir friend. 3e never went out again. I onged to have had it work. ;very time I saw her again it reminded me of how much I had wanted her. It was very painfu . item%%14<D In my third summer at <ermi ab I worked again for Dave 'utter. $is other tech was Bu// =odewa t# who became a good friend. $e was an e-pert pisto marksman and competed active y. $e said that a the top marksmen were mi itary men. Bu// and one of the vacuum techs and I went for a ong run down the main highway within the ab grounds. Bu// bought a pickup truck and he was very fond of it. $e had a rea gutsy attitude about it# en.oying the sound of the word# 0truck0. I be ieve he was from &ennsy vania# and he to d a story about a domestic +uarre there. $e said it ended when he to d them that if he got any madder he wou d have to decide whether to go out to the truck and get his gun. $e was a so id itt e critter# very we socia i/ed# as much because of his considered wi ingness to use a gun as in spite of it. Ene day Bu// and I witnessed Dave get into a spat with another physicist# =yugi Camada. Dave cornered the guy in the drafting room of the >ain =ing group and said in a crescendo voice# 0If you don9t appreciate my work you can shove it up your a@@.0 Bater that day Dave found us and gave a deep apo ogy for acting that way. =yugi had seemed not +uite to know what to think of it# and Bu// and I commented to each other how Dave had rea y gone off the deep end on that one. Dave was a veteran# I be ieve of the 7avy. 2t one time or other he had had a sma sai boat he was fond of sai ing. item%%?215 2s my departure from the re ationship with Janet Dougberty went on it continued to hurt and depress me and eventua y I rea i/ed that I had destroyed in my disappointment my sense of inevitabi ity of success. I decided I needed to do something drastic to save myse f from unending depression.

I had heard whi e at Ca e that some bicyc ists trave a hundred mi es in a day on a trip. I thought how great an adventure it wou d be to trave around the wor d by bike. I ca cu ated from one time /one being about 1000 mi es and the g obe having 24 time /ones that the diameter of the earth was about 24#000 mi es. 2t 100 mi es a day I figured it wou d take me 240 days to circumnavigate it. (his I knew was more time than I cou d afford to take off# so I decided that a shorter trip across ;urope wou d be possib e in a semester9s worth of time# taking a eave of absense from Ca e. I did a itt e figuring and I was +uite sure I cou d sti graduate on schedu e despite taking a semester off. I had advanced p acement credits in both math and ;ng ish and I cou d take five courses each semester instead ha f five and ha f four# as is the average. 'o began a new stage in my ife# of ong distance bicyc ing. $ere is a ink to my bicyc e trip .ourna s# written on y within the past year or so. 7o need to dup icate them here. 2 so# I initiated a forum discussion of myse f as a bicyc ing egend on item%%D65; Before starting my third summer of work at <ermi ab I took a weekend to try distance cyc ing# preparatory to my p anned ;uropean trip. I went by bike from my home in D en ; yn to Bake Deneva# 3isconsin. (he .ourna for that trip# written after the fact# is with my other bike .ourna s. 1"61 10 12 1 04 33 !2 segment 3!00 1"62 0! 15 0 06 36 2!

item%%<2?2 (he .ourna s I ink to in segment 3400 do not discuss the month I spent in 7ice# <rance# where I ended my ;uropean bicyc e tour. 2fter deciding to end the trip because I didn9t have enough money to cyc e to =ome# I figured out that I had enough money to ive in 7ice for another month# hitchhike to =ome# and then take a f ight from =ome back to the :.'. I then started ooking for an apartment. I went to one p ace I found advertised and met another apartment seeker# &atrick 8habrier# a <renchman. I forget if he informed me he was gay when I met him. 3e ta ked a bit and he suggested we take out an apartment together for a month as that wou d he p both of us find a cheaper p ace. I9m not sure when I to d him I was straight# but I did te him ear y on. I agreed to find a p ace with him. 2t some point he communicated with me that he had found a good p ace and we rented it together. $e never bothered me se-ua y or otherwise. Dod forbid if he had targeted me intentiona y to see if I cou d be recruited to homose-ua ity. (he p ace he found was in the +uai area# or seaport. It was on the top f oor# probab y the si-th. I don9t reca if there was an e evator# but I a ways wa ked up the stairs with my bicyc e. &atrick needed the apartment to have somewhere safe to rende/vous with his ma e over# whom I saw on y once# in the ha way outside our apartment door. 3e didn9t speak. (hey didn9t manifest any se-ua ity. (here was some geographica issue between them. &atrick spoke good ;ng ish and we did most of our ta king in ;ng ish. $e taught me some <rench 8hristmas songs.

&atrick had so d me on the idea of sharing an apartment in some part because he said he on y needed it to make the connection with his over and wou dn9t be there most of the time. (his proved true. (here was a hatch on the bathroom cei ing and I wou d pu myse f up there and sit on the roof# and ook down on the +uay. It was very nice. I ate most y bread and butter. (here was no refridgerator. I kept the butter under water to keep it fresh%% a <rench custom as I reca . I had come to ove the <rench sty e bread over my trave s# the arge si/e# or grande baguette# and the sma si/e# or petite bagette. I bought a bott e of wine at a wine store and they said a I had to do was bring back the bott e and refi s were cheaper. I wasn9t big on wine# but it was good. En the who e ;uropean bike trip I had had on y two a coho ic drinks. Ene was given to me by an unseen person at an art ga ery in 8openhagen. (he other I bought in a bar high up in the >assif 8entra mountains. Both were beers. item%%4;02 I wanted to earn a itt e money whi e in 7ice so I went out to the :niversity of 7ice to see about giving ;ng ish essons. In an office there I ta ked to a secretary who said she wou d ike a esson herse f. 'he was a bit o der than me and very attractive. During our esson#in which I corrected her reading of (ime >aga/ine in ;ng ish# she was very attentive. 'he then asked me to come over with her to a bar across the street. 'he sat there and had a drink as I stood beside her. I think she was trying to see whether I wou d put a move on her. I didn9t. It9s not my sty e# in genera . (hen we went back to her office. 2t a second meeting this ady asked me if I was interested in meeting one of the :niversity9s students# and I said yes. I came over and met the student# named Bridgitte de Berti# and was e-treme y invigorated se-ua y by her. 'he was a ten. 'he invited me to the 8 ub Bi angue# for students who spoke both <rench and ;ng ish. 2s I was wa king away from her on the sidewa k# after turning a corner# I threw my keys high in the air in e-u tation over meeting such an attractive <rench gir who seemed to be responsive to me. 3hen I got back to my apartment I right away masturbated with Bridgitte in mind. 3hen I met her at the c ub# it was very dark# crowded# and noisy. 3e wa ked through the crowd and .ust grooved a bit. 'he invited me to her home. 2t Bridgitte9s home# in the iving room# I met her father# a handsome inte igent man. 3e ta ked a whi e and he asked me what I wanted to do for a iving. I was immediate y aware that I was being e-amined as a prospective husband for Bridgitte# which p eased me very much e-ept that I didn9t fee at that point that I was on any particu ar career path whatsoever and cou dn9t possib y satisfy >r. de Berti9s in+uery. I did think of my inspiration during the bike trip that economics was important and wou d make a good ine of work for me if I wanted to be of service to peop e. 'o I said to >r. de Berti I thought I wou d go into economics. (hen he asked me some more +uestions about that and I rea y had no idea what to say. ;conomics was a very ha/y to me. (his made me ess optimistic about a romance with Bridgitte# not having come across very favorab y with her father. 3e ta ked in ;ng ish. $e and Bridgitte were f uent in it. I never saw Bridgitte again. item%%0;<5

I rode around 7ice asking if I cou d have posters I saw in store windows and got a few of them. 'omeone gave me that idea. (he idea to ask for posters probab y came from some 2merican students I met# where I met them I don9t remember. (he names were Joe 'higo# though I may be wrong and if so Joe was someone I met ater in >adrid# and Aristy 'herman and A.E. Esgood. (hey had a party with some other friends that I went to and Joe p ayed the guitar and I was very taken with it for some reason so he to d me I cou d buy a guitar in 'pain# they had very good very cheap ones# and he wou d teach me how to p ay. I decided to go and buy one. I eft my bicyc e in the apartment and took my s eeping bag in my pack and off I went. item%%B1BD $itchhiking to 'pain# I had a ride from a young Ita ian man. 3e stopped somewhere on the route and were wa king somewhere and there appeared a young woman and my ride said something to her and I rea i/ed that such pursuit of gir s was more rich a tradition in ;urope than in the :nited 'tates. item%%8646 2 ride I got yet in <rance was with two young gir s# Domini+ue &igno and 8hanta Jigoreu-. 3e had a grand time. (hey bought me some bread and cou dn9t understand how I cou d eat it without something with it. (hey got me some cheese for it. item%%4DD4 3hen I got to Barce ona I checked out a coup e of guitar stores but didn9t find anything I iked. item%%5B8< >y ast ride to >adrid# with a man in a sma sports car# was ong and went through the mountains a night. >y ride bought me dinner at a restaurant. It was very +uiet and we were .ust about the on y diners in the room. $e dropped me off .ust after dawn in downtown >adrid. I s ept a itt e on a bench. item%%3?<! 3hi e ooking around at guitar stores in >adrid I met a young 2merican boy. $e was in high schoo there. $e offerred to take me around to find a good guitar. 2t every guitar store we visited he found a better guitar and p ayed c assica on it of an increasing y advanced degree. (he music my host p ayed on the guitars was a c assica and the manner in which he steadi y increased the advancement of the pieces he p ayed changed my mind about what kind of music I wanted to earn to p ay. I wou d earn c assica guitar. <ina y we found one he was satisfied with. I said to the owner# 0a beautifu guitarI0 in 'panish. (he owner rep ied# 0no# not beautifu . 2 good guitar.0 in 'panish. It was on y G!0. I bought the guitar and the owner pu ed out a case for it and rapped on it to show how sturdy it was. It was inc uded in the price. >y young 2merican host9s name might have been Joe 'higo# or that might have been the name of the

2merican in 7ice who suggested I go to 'pain to buy a guitar. item%%45?B 3a king through the streets of >adrid I came upon a sma open s+uare where a man was performing tricks with some dogs. (here was a big crowd watching. item%%5"62 I earned at some point that there was a very good art museum in >adrid%%the &rado. I took the time to visit and discovered the arge co ection they had of work by <rancisco de Doya. (here were so many of them I got caught in my 0comp e de .oie0 syndrome# .ust ight y enough to spoi the true va ue of the work# and instead of getting that out of it got some images of the ga eries as showcases of the work# with visitors parading by in si ent ref ection. 08omb e de .oie0 had the same effect on my visit to see the &ab o &icasso e-hibit at the >E>2 in >anhattan as a graduate student in astronomy at Ca e in 1"?0# putting it rightfu y somewhere in segments 4"00 to !012. ;vident y I had a prob em conceptua i/ing artwork on the sca e of ess than a bui ding but more than a sing e work. 8ou d it be that architecture was se ected for me as a career choice when I did a drawing of a round bui ding of my own design as a student in 'arah Bush9s ;ng ish c ass senior year in high schoo F (his was in segment 2"00. 3e were to d to create a work of art. item%%B824 During the evenings in >adrid I rented a room in a home. (hey provided mea s too. (he night I returned with my guitar I idy ed with it and was very happy. item%%5?D1 En the trip back to 7ice I had some ong waits for rides and saw some beautifu 'panish countryside. (here was a so an appearance by a pair of 'panish po ice who seemed a caricature with their uniforms and rif es. item%%1005 3hen I got back to 7ice I went into a music store and bought a c assica guitar method. I studied it and practiced for four hours a day every day. It was hard. I wanted to be good at it. I never became very good# but the discip ine was a good companion for many years. item%%B<63 3hen the spending of money brought me to the end of my stay in ;urope I started out hitchhiking to =ome for my f ight back to the :nited 'tates. I intentiona y didn9t te my 2merican friends I was eaving. It was an oddity. I got to the border with Ita y and they asked to see my money. I didn9t have enough to their iking and I was forced to turn around and go back to 7ice. I was hitchhiking with a guitar and a bicyc e. In 7ice I ran into my 2merican friends and they chastised me for trying to eave without saying goodbye.

(hen I took a train to =ome and they didn9t ask to see my money. item%%6;1" In =ome I ooked around a site of ancient =oman ruins. It was a temp e. 2t the airport I waited for my f ight for a ong time and fina y went in and asked about it and they said it had been postponed and I was the ast one to find out about it. (he others had been put up in a hote at the air ine9s e-pense. 'o they sent me to the hote then. I had a nice dinner a a one in the dining room. I ooked in the shower up in my room and there was a cord in the shower that I had never seen before# being unaccustomed to staying in hote s# so I pu ed it to see what wou d happen. 2 few minutes ater I heard someone get off the e evator# wa k over to my room# and then the wa phone in my room fe off the receiver# evident y because of something the man in the ha did. 2fter a minute I picked up the phone and said into it# 0is someone thereF0 (here was no rep y. 'eemed awfu y inefficient a system. (he phone must have been in or near the bathroom so that someone in troub e in the tub cou d reach it when it was dis odged from its crad e. (he ne-t day I f ew back to 7ew Cork 8ity. I went to Ca e in 7ew $aven and eft my bicyc e there. I counted up my money remaining from the trip and it was about ten do ars. I thought that was nice y done. I returned then to 8hicago for the 8hristmas ho iday with my guitar. item%%86B; 3hen I returned to Ca e for the second semester of .unior year# having .ust spent a semester9s eave of absense bicyc ing so o in ;urope# I decided to ive off campus. >y ife .ust didn9t fit the roadmap of the traditiona student9s ife# though schoo was sti a priority. I visited p aces I found advertised at the Ca e $ousing Effice. Ene was a three bedroom apartment on the third f oor of a house# occupied by two gir s. I interviewed with one of them# Aaren 3o ff# and she said that she and her roommate# ;i een $offman# were socia ists. Despite her radica ism she was a cordia person and at G40 a month# as I reca # I iked the package. 'he did too so we sett ed the dea and I moved in. (he address was 4 ; d 'treet. item%%3!DD Aaren was an administrator at an a ternative high schoo in 7ew $aven. It was ca ed (he $igh 'choo in the 8ommunity. 3hen she found out I was good at math she suggested I teach a c ass there in geometry as there was a need for it. I agreed to it# and simp y a oted time for the c ass that otherwise I wou d have used to study for my own c asses at Ca e# making sure there were no schedu e conf icts. (here was no pay for the work. I chose the te-t for the c ass at a oca bookstore. (here were three students# Bi ie 2ugustine# Beon somethiing# and another student. Bi ie was white and the other two b ack. (hey seemed not to be we educated and I had a hard time figuring out what to teach them. 2t east they had fair attendance.

Diven the cha enges these students faced# I didn9t ook at it as an academic setting but rather a chance to argue for there being usefu ness in geometry in one9s dai y ife. I said that you cou d ook around you and see that the ines in bui dings# that you saw everywhere# had a sense that you cou d get out of them if you tried hard. I9m afraid I didn9t make the case successfu y. Bi ie he ped me mount a fifteen story high scu pture of mine in a stairwe at Ca e9s A ine Bio ogy (ower. >ore on this in segment 3!00# item id <46"# and in segment 3600# item id "?8?. item%%2"56 Aaren and ;i een had two friends who often visited in the apartment# =uth =esnick and =enee. ;i een# =enee# and =uth a seemed to be se-ua y interested in me# most of a =uth# who was an artist. =uth was a big gir with a nice y softened persona ity. =enee was sma and animated. ;i een was ambitious. 'he app ied to Ca e 8o ege during my stay in the apartment. :nfortunate y she was not accepted# a though I admit to being a itt e suspicious of a 8ommunist wanting to go to Ca e a of a sudden at a ater age. 8oncerning the three gir s9 se-ua attention# I tried not to enf ame the fires I detected# and certain y it might have been .ust my own imagination. Aaren had a boyfriend. 'he was a so id woman and commanded attention# but rea y oved a peop e. 'he had a itt e grem in in her too# which I found endearing in one sense but a itt e hard to get c ose to in another . En one occasion we were visited by a po itica friend of the gir s by the name of Brian. I wasn9t to d his ast name. I wi give him the random ast name of <ordd and the chosen midd e name of Deceiver. $is arriva was announced to me beforehand and they a so said he was the son of the head of the 8ommunist &arty in ;ng and. I assumed he must have had 8ommunist credentia s as we . I bought a bott e of wine for dinner and he took it in his hands# ooked it over# and commented that it wou d do. I didn9t consider my choice of wine to have any merit. $e ooked upon what I bought as not a serious gesture by me# maybe even a c umsy one# which was sort of a criticism of my character# and a va id one. Brian tried hard to be friend y toward me throughout the evening# but I don9t reca much of what he said. &erhaps he didn9t say much# which indicated he had business with the gir s that e-c uded me. 3ith the gir s I had never e-pressed interest in becoming a 8ommunist or even in ta king about it in earnest. 2s an economics ma.or I might have taken it as a cha enge to the standard schoo of capita ism# but I never even thought of that ang e of my iving there# at east not as an a desireab e topic of conversation and both I and the communists eft po itics out of our re ations whcih I wou d say is much to their credit that they cou d spare me the discomfort their radica ness might have coused me. (hat night Brian stayed in ;i een9s room and the house# which was a bit o d and rickety# shook noisi y as they made ove. >r. <ordd9s friend iness was patent y a deception# s imey and treacherous# but sharp as a ra/or. It is my be ief he was gathering information about me for the 8ommunist &arty to use against me# a though the party evident y began working against me as soon as they saw my potentia for socia action when I attended the weekend get%away sponsored by 8hristian 8ommunity 2ction in 7ew $aven at the beginning of my freshman year# an event discussed in segment 3100# item !"01. I don9t think my roommates knew Brian9s mission# a though Aaren engaged in a itt e mind gaming

when I returned to 7ew $aven after my 2merican 3est bike trip# saying to me# 0how do you know you trave ed 1?00 mi esF0 (his reminds me of the mind gaming my father p ayed on me# te ing me I wou dn9t get into Ca e 8o ege. I suspect this was disinformation p anted by the 8ommunists at an ear y stage of their fami iarity with me. item%%6!68 3hen I decided to take a eave of absence first semester of .unior year# the three men I was schedu ed to have as roommates within Branford 8o ege took a trip e. 3hen I decided to ive off campus during the second semester they continued the trip e. (hey were &eter $ickok# with whom I had ived in a trip e sophomore year with Jon <atu aM David Deffin# and Dary 8hesnin. David and Dary were very strict Jews. David ended up going to (ufts >edica 'choo and is now an onco ogist in Israe . Dary became a member of the 2 ey 8ats singing group .unior year and senior year a member of the 3hiffenpoofs singing group%%the most noted singing group at Ca e. item%%<46" I was taking this semester a course in design# ca ed scu pture but that hard y describes it# that had been high y recommended to me by ac+uaintences. It was taught by ;rwin $auer. (he first assignment we had to buy sticks%%sma diameter round hospita app icator sticks without the cotton# about si- inches ong. (hey came in bo-es of about 200. Before we got the e-act assignment I went to work. I put a bunch of sticks down on the work surface at home# .ust random y throwing them down. (his gave me the idea of putting a ength of 'cotch >agic (ape across a the sticks# and I did so. (his gave me the idea of doing the same thing with some sticks in a straight row# a ha f%inch apart. I did this and picked up one end of the tape. (he row of sticks was supp e and I touched the end of one of them and watched a wave f ow away from that stick in both directions. I had made a wave generator as scu pture. I took this scu pture into c ass to show them but I didn9t submit is as c asswork. (he course was e-ce ent and I did we but one day >r. $auer commented that I had a characteristic of canniba i/ing my work. 3hen fina grade time came we a were to assemb e our best work for >r. $auer to .udge. Before grades came out I went to ask >r. $auer what grade he had given me. $e said he had thought I had done much better work than I had gathered for the fina disp ay of work# but he wasn9t sure what grade he had given me and asked my patience whi e he went to check. $e came back short y after and said yes# he had given me an honors. >y suspicion is that he had first given me a ower grade but when he saw that I was interested in the course enough to ask for my grade he changed his mind and used the statement he wasn9t sure to cover for him going to change it. item%%;82D I had a housewarming party for a do/en of my Branford 8o ege# Ca e# friends. 3e sat on the iving room f oor in a circ e and chatted# with wine. (he p ace was very comfortab e. 2t some point the conversation came to a ha t and everyone waited for someone to say something# ooking most of them

at me. I was in my g ory and wanted to savor it so I didn9t say anything on purpose# .ust to see how ong the moment of attention from everyone cou d ast. (hen &eter $ickok# who had been my roommate sophomore year and had been schedu ed to be my roommate this year unti I went off campus# broke the si ence and asked me some casua +uestion# .ust to break the si ence. 2t some point I pu ed out my wave machine scu pture and showed it to severa of my guests# who found it appea ing. I reca discussing brief y with (om 'tevens an idea I had for bui ding a centra piece of furniture for my bare room to have bookshe ves and music stand space. It was wi d# unfocused of me# but (om took it in a seriousness and referred to it as my idea. item%%56<! 'econd semester of .unior year my c asses and grades were) 'cu pture# honors ;conomic 'ystems# high pass Deve pment ;conomics# high pass ;conomic $istory from the Industria =evo ution# high pass &robabi ity and its 2pp ications# high pass <irst semester I had taken a eave of absence to do a so o bicyc e tour of ;urope. I decided on that trip to ma.or in economics. item%%;24B 'cu pture c ass was taught by Irwin $auer. 'ome of the media we worked in were hospita app icator sticks# paper# and sand. <or a discussion of my grade# which was honors# see segment 3!00# item id <46". item%%81D4 ;conomic 'ystems was a comparison between the 8ommunist contro ed economy and the 8apita ist free economy. (he professor was John >ichae >ontias. It was a ot of mathematics and I did a fair y good .ob of keeping up with it in c ass. Ence &rofessor >ontias stopped# pointed to an e-pression on the board# covered with symbo s# and asked# 0what is thisF0 I saw that it was an e-pression divided by a summation of the +uantity one over the interva 1 to n. (his was an e-pression for the average va ue of the series terms in the e-pression on top# and I said# 0the average.0 >r. >ontias was ooking around and asked# 0who said thatF0 I said I did and he said# 0rightI0 In 1""2 I ca ed >r. >ontias and he remembered this incident. 'ee segment 6000# item 2D4". I got a high pass for the course. I don9t remember any written work or assignments or e-ams. Ence I stopped by his office for some reason and whi e there were a coup e other students in the room he and I shared a ong ook of recognition between us. I didn9t know it but he and I shared a passion for art# even the same artist# though >r. >ontias was a recogni/ed scho ar of this artist%%Johannes Jermeer%%and I was .ust an admirer. 3hen I ived at 24 >e on 'treet in 8ambridge >2# 1"63 to 1"64# I put a 1!0-200 print of Jermeer9s painting# 0Dir with a pear earring#0 on the wa in the iving room

and it stayed there. In mounting it on the wa I noticed that I cou d discern the aesthetic effect of minute rotations of the print# bare y noticeab e by themse ves. (hat was in segments 3600 to 3"00. item%%226? Deve opment ;conomics c ass was a sma seminar with =ichard Breecher# a young man. I remember one point# that one of the signa means of aiding deve oping countries is to provide e-perts. (hese are apparent y in short supp y in poor countries. I be ieve we had one c ass meeting in a oca eatery# $ungry 8har ie9s. =ich was very good about esprit de corps of the c ass members. 2s an economics ma.or I had about four specia ties to choose from. >y choice was deve opment economics%%he ping ess deve oped countries# or BD8s# become richer. I had no thoughts of using my economics degree to become rich myse f. (his course was part of the specia ty of deve opment economics. 2nother was my senior thesis. item%%2388 ;conomic $istory from the Industria =evo ution c ass was sort of interesting. (he things that the teacher ca ed c ear# fair y c ear# of seems to be c ear# respective y# a had different senses of confidence in them. ;very so often he wou d describe the evidence with one of these terms. $e ta ked about records of births and deaths a ot. (he principa ob.ect of discussion by the teacher was the acts of enc osure. (hese parce i/ations of and previous y set aside for co ective uses were arguab y the sing e most important reason the industria revo ution in ;ng and happened# it was suggested. I have heard arguments to the contrary and the issue remains open. I remember reading about some author9s trave s across the ;ng ish countryside and descriptions of the +ua ity of the roads. I was apparent y the on y student who took the troub e to ook steadfast y at the teacher. $e ooked back at me in a sort of confused state with respect to the re ationship among a the students in the c ass. I got a high pass in the course. item%%BD?3 &robabi ity and its 2pp ications c ass was taught by >r. >uirhead. (he te-t was by Dwass. I had a hard time with the difference between permutations and combinations but I worked pretty hard and got a high pass. item%%410< 3hi e hitchhiking from 8hicago to 7ew $aven about this time I got a ride ate at night from a nice ooking b ond who was driving a one. 3e had an animated conversation and I got her name# >ary Aay 'im+u# and phone number. 'he was a graduate student in photography at the =hode Is and 'choo of Design in &rovidence# =I and was from >cAeesport# &2. 3hen I ca ed her ater in the year from my apartment we made a date for me to come to =I'D and .oin her in a visit to &rovidencetown# >2# to see two friends of hers who were a ma e%fema e coup e.

I hitchhiked to =I'D and cou dn9t find >ary Aay for a ong time and started to worry she had eft without me# but then she showed up and off we went. (he four of us wa ked a ong the seashore which was a ot of big rocks. >ary Aay took a ot of pictures. 3e wa ked for a bit in the center city# which was sma . 2s >ary Aay was driving us somewhere we a had an animated conversation. >ary Aay said she had met the 2t antic =ichfie d heir# =itchie =itchfie d somehow and she didn9t think that wea thy peop e ike that ived a human ife%%too itt e suffering. 'he said with gusto that her ast name meant 0to ki 0 in some ;astern ;uropean anguage. 2t the coup e9s house the gir made a seafood dish that she put on oyster she s. It seemed to me a rea de icacy. 2s I was sitting in an antechamber before dinner >ary Aay took her camera and shot my crotch. 'he was a very aggressive gir . 3hen the day was over >ary Aay et me stay overnight at her house# I assume in &rovidence. (here was no physica action e-cept that I ooked carefu y at her pupi s whi e I ta ked about John Aenneth Da braith9s Ne& (ndustrial #tate# which I was reading for a c ass# but I hadn9t gotten far in it and most of what I said was sha ow and I rea y didn9t count on my understanding of it getting very deep. I had heard that pupi s get big when someone ikes what they see. $ers did# which didn9t seem to .ive with my rate of progress with her romantica y. 'he was absorbed with her career. item%%822< (oward the end of .unior year at Ca e I was riding my bike in the 7ortheast part of town and stopped for some reason at a store. (here was an o d man standing there. (hen a gir passed by on a bike and I ooked at the o d man and then got on my bike to catch up to the gir . 3hen I caught up to her we were at an intersection and I got her name# Brenda 'trange# and phone number and promised to ca her ne-t schoo year for a date. 'ee segment 3600# item id 5;12 for what happened on the date. 1"62 0! 15 0 06 36 2! segment 3500 1"62 12 1? 1 10 40 !6

item%%;D3B (he summer before senior year at Ca e I decided I hadn9t had enough ong distance so o bicyc ing so I p anned a trip. I wou d f y out 3est and cyc e back to 8hicago# taking some of the time I wou d otherwise have devoted to my summer .ob at <ermi ab. (his trip is documented on cra/ and I won9t go into it here. item%%6D24 (he summer before senior year at Ca e I again worked at <ermi ab. (his time I was assigned to operations for the >ain =ing# which was reaching comp etion.

2t the beginning of the summer when I was sti mustering around the 3eston vi age where I had first worked in the first summer at the abs# I happened to think I might show my scu pture done at Ca e the previous semester to those at the ab. I took it to work one day and then I thought I might get the director# =obert =. 3i son# to ook at it so I went to his office and sure enough he saw me there and when I proposed he come over to my ab bui ding to see the scu pture he agreed to it. 3e wa ked together across the street to the ab bui ding and when I showed him the scu pture he was very curious and seemed to sincere y ike it. Anowing how significant he was in history for his work on the 2%bomb# I fe t great y honored. I knew he was an artist# so I had entered the proposition with inner confidence. 2mong the first things I did that summer was take a week course with the =adiation 'afety department. 3e earned about what radiation does to the body and a the different measurements of radiation# each with its own detector. (here were very strict ru es and ock conditions for moving into a sector that had a posted radiation eve . (hese eve s were a ways being updated. Eperations meant rotating shifts# so I did a ot of cyc ing to work in the dead of night. Ene of the techs he ped me tape a f ash ight to my hand ebars and it was sufficient for the summer. 3hen the contro room got a ca for something to be done at one of the many even y spaced contro stations around the ring two of us wou d get in a .eep and bomb out .ust to f ick a switch or something cra/y ike that. Bearning to drive a .eep was a ot of fun. (he c utch made it interesting. (hey took a ot of abuse we . Day shifts we did a ot of riding e ectric carts through the >ain =ing tunne # a four mi es of it. (here were some gir s doing this work# co ege gir s. Ene of them I thought was rea cute# by the name of 2nne 'hoemaker. I asked her out and she said yes# te ing me that what attracted her to me was my ong ook at her. 3e went on a doub e date bow ing with a friend of my fami y# =on 8ih ar# whose date was a friend of my sister 'andy# named 7ancy Airchen. I picked up 2nne and the rows of shoes in the uti ity room of her house said she came from a arge fami y. 'he wore stockings with ots of para e rows of co ored stripes. 2t the a ey I acted ike I knew everything there was to know about bow ing. It makes me cringe when I think of it. 2 though I never dated 2nne again because I rea istica y saw that I hadn9t scored any points with the bow ing# I did go out to see her in a performance of a p ay out near where she ived. It was after I had become menta y i and when I saw her in the receiving ine after the p ay I commented that I had had a most unfortunate turn of fate and she ooked at me with pity and revu sion and said# 0yes# I see.0 @@item%%<28! 1"62 06 to 1""5 0" 2fter my summer 1"62 bike tour of the :.'. 3est# and during my stay in the 8hicago area whi e working at <ermi ab the summer of 1"62# I took a trip in my mother9s car to downtown 8hicago with my bike in the trunk and bombed around the city. (hat night I was standing with my bike at the outside edge of the pit be ow the John $ancock (ower when I spotted a nice ooking gir a itt e o der than me standing on the inside edge of the pit. Eur g ances met and connected with some fee ing. 'he turned and headed to the 7orth side of the tower and I came up behind her. I got even with her and she

sudden y turned to me and said he o. 3e got into conversation and sat down on a seat be ow some trees on the 'outh side of the tower. It got very spiritua and we both fe t unbrid ed interest in se-. 'he asked me if I wanted to come up to her apartment right then and have se-. I was over.oyed and said yes. 'he ived then at !! ;. 8hestnut# which is the street ad.acent to the $ancock on the 'outh side. (his address now has a new bui ding on it. $er apartment was immacu ate# modest# and very +uiet. I immediate y went into her bedroom and undressed and fe across her big doub e bed. 'he ducked in and saw me and said something about how great a body I had. 2fter a few minutes she came into the bedroom and I sat up on the inside edge of the bed and she came over to me on her knees and put her mouth over my penis. 'he was very aroused# ike me. 3e got into bed and I was utter y thri ed at se- with her# pounding with my my pe vis into hers and hyperventi ating. I was shocked at the hyperventi ation and asked in a my innocence# 03hat was thatF0 'he said# 03hat was whatF0 I9 never forget the wasy she ooked at me approaching inevitabi ity. 'he was p astered# you might say. (hen she asked my premission to take her vibrator out and finish off her orgasm. 'he gave me the impression she a ways did this when she had se- with a man. I understood that there were reasons for this and said ok. 2fter this she did a douche. I9m not sure how she achieved birth contro . I didn9t ask her. Ever the course of the evening we ta ked about spiritua ife and she said she was a student of Arishnamurti. (oni made a iving as some sort of secretary at & aygir >aga/ine. 'he said she had a number of friends ike herse f and they shared men they met# and she asked me if I wanted her to refer me to a number of these friends. I fe t that he d in it some risk of hard%core professiona ism and said no. I to d her I had a desire to cross dress and she said a ot of men do and sometimes gir s who are understanding et them dress up when they first arrive .ust to get it over with and then go on to regu ar se- with them. 'he a so said I was among the three most inte igent men she had ever met. I stayed over night and in the morning she fi-ed breakfast for us and sat down and I got up and went around behind her and grasped her breasts# which were c othed. I cou d have probab y gone for more se- but she had a ba et c ass to go to and we eft the apartment together and wa ked a itt e ways on >ichigan before she took off on her own. $er name was 2ntoinette >arie Burchard# (oni for short. 2t Ca e senior year (oni and I shared etters and were very prurient in them. I described my phantasy of us getting down on the f oor and having se-. 'he said she saved a my etters in a bund e tied together

with ace or something and kept in a specia drawer. I got revved up for another visit with her during 8hristmas break from Ca e. 2t that time she had moved from !! ;. 8hestnut to !! 3. 8hestnut# a newer apartment bui ding. 'he came to the door in a s inky satin robe that came down to her knees and we were immediate y invo ved in making out. But she wanted to save the se- for after we had gotten comfortab e re a-ing over some wine and a game of chess. 'he made a big dea of how thorough y I beat her. (he apartment seemed a itt e sma er than her other p ace had been# but it was more modern. 2t one of the ater dates# this one or another# I took her to see (he 8andidate# with =obert =edford. 'he to d me she wanted it to be c ear I didn9t have to spend money on her. I took it from this she was concerned about any possib e appearance of prostitution# considering how we had met in pub ic. I remember standing in ine outdoors for the movie and thinking it was something I had never done before with someone I was going to bed with# because I had never had someone to go to bed with if you don9t count &am ;spe and or Janet Dougherty# an easy thing not to do. In the theater I was very forward with kissing her. (oni proved her wisdom to me when I became menta y i short y after this and she and I arranged for another se-ua meeting. 'he asked me something unusua after we consumated and iked my answer very much and cudd ed very c ose y# in approva of my recent maturation through the menta i ness. >y mother had asked me to ca from (oni9s p ace and I had (oni do it and the two of them had a itt e sharing of notes. (oni had said a few things about her own mother to me# some of it having to do with something of a se-ua y repressive matter invo ving re igion. 3hen I became home ess and was in 8hicago I stopped at her apartment bui ding and# remembering her apartment number# eft her a written message I9m not sure saying what. In 1""5 on the verge of becoming home ess and eaving 8hicago for a year# I ca ed her# hoping to start something in my rapid y deteriorating situation# having ost my .ob and unemp oyment compensation having run out. 'he obvious y didn9t want to go that way but granted me an e-treme e-pression of appreciation for the visits we had had before. I uttered agreement# so emn y# seeing there was not going to be another meeting. item%%D"?8 En another occasion of having my bicyc e in 8hicago I took a unch break at a park by the Bake. 2s I was eating a gir sat down about 30 yards from me and had her unch. I iked the ooks of her and decided to pursue her. I smi ed at her. 'he ooked away. I smi ed at her again. 'he ooked away again. I smi ed at her again# and this time she smi ed back. 'he got up short y and wa ked to her car. I finished my unch# packed up# and headed on my bike to the parking ot e-it# where I pu ed up at the same moment this gir did. 03here are you headedF0 I asked. 0(o work#0 she said. (hen fo owed a brief conversation and I got her name# which was Jo ene# and the name of her emp oyer# which was a bar in the city ca ed It/e 9s. I promised to pay her a visit there sometime. En a day sometime after that I did visit her bar# and there she was. 'he wa ked# behind the bar# to the rear of the bar as I wa ked# in front of the bar# to the rear. (here she stood behind the bar and ta ked to

me as I sat at a seat in front of the bar. 'he said she didn9t think she wou d be ab e to date me because she had a steady boyfriend. I caressed her hair in p ayfu ness and acceptance of rea ity. (hen she said she had a gir friend who was .ust ike her and maybe I wou d ike to go out with her. Both of the gir s were studying weaving at the 2rt Institute. I got the friend9s name# 8hery Ao/e ka# and phone number. I ca ed 8hery on my mother9s bedroom phone at home and e-p ained the situation. 'he didn9t know about my meeting Jo ene# but was ready to go on a date with me if Jo ene had approved it. 'o we agreed to go to =avinia. 2t =avinia we had a p easant time picnicing. I took her home to her apartment and we made out on her iving room sofa. 'he iked it a ot and said# 0such tensionI0 (hen I had an orgasm. 8hery got eft out of it# I9m sorry to say# and this put her in a bad spirit and I eft with both of us fee ing uncomfortab e and I never asked her out again. Birth contro was an issue I shou d have asked her about. >aybe she was on the pi and we cou d have gone into her bedroom and shared the orgasm. 'he was a nice gir and I have a asting fee ing I shorthanded her. Cears ater I sent her a bo- with one of my Batewave scu ptures in it. 7ever got a rep y. 3hat cou d I e-pectF @@item%%22;2 1"62 0" to 1"63 05 'enior year at Ca e :niversity. @@item%%<B6B 1"62 0" to 1"?0 0" (he day I arrived at Ca e for my senior year I met a gir in &he ps Date. 'he was very f irtatious and I offered to carry her uggage for her across the E d 8ampus. I a ready had my bicyc e in my hands. 'he was a =omanian# by the name of Danie a. $er ast name never got fi-ed in my mind. It may have been something ike Dane i. 'he was a freshman but seemed very mature. 'econd semester of senior year Danie a was in my 2dvanced <rench c ass. 3e hooked up and went to Inga s $ockey =ink to ice skate. 3e noted one day that there was an attractive inte igent gir in our c ass named 8aro &a ey. Danie a urged me to take her out# even though she seemed unattainab e to me. But I did ask her out and we went .ogging out to the edge of ;ast =ock &ark# which is a few mi es from where we started# from her room in (imothy Dwight 8o ege. 8oming back and sti .ogging I s owed down a bit for her and she said to me that I didn9t need to s ow down for her. It was my error that I disregarded her statement and kept the s ower pace. 8aro was sma # and had pristine features# with dark hair. $er speaking was stunning y inte igent yet she was utter y without scheming. 'he was an underc assman. (hat I didn9t grant myse f the iberty to date her aggressive y# perhaps because of her being in a ater cohort# is a fai ure I think of often. Danie a had another ma e friend# a Dreek named Dino. I visited her in her room in Janderbi t $a once# maybe for a date# and in the time before we were to eave# if it was a date# she sat there and

p ayed with some cards# toying with me. Dino seemed to be present somehow. >aybe he even came in and sto e Danie a from me. It9s foggy now. Danie a came to my apartment on (rumbu 'treet and we sat on my bed and ta ked whi e I attempted to serenade her with my guitar. 'he toyed with me then too and asked if when I moved to 8ambridge# >2 as p anned I might bicyc e back down to 7ew $aven to see her. 'he said she was going to be an architect too# which I wasn9t sure was true. I ran into her in 7ap es &i//a when I was an astronomy graduate schoo at Ca e. 'ee segments !001 through !012. item%%22?; 2t the beginning of senior year I ooked for an apartment in 7ew $aven and found a sma sing e for G110 a month. It .ust bare y fit my budget and seemed we cared for so I rented it. It was in a three story bui ding owned by ;dward J. >arkus# a Ca e graduate and awyer with his office on the first f oor. In my apartment there were some furnishings eft by the previous occupant# a ounge chair and a record p ayer. (he address was 36 (rumbu 'treet. I went hunting for a bed on campus and found one someone had eft out in a Branford 8o ege courtyard. >y sophomore year roommate &eter $ickok he ped my more it to my apartment using his car. &eter roomed during senior year as he had during .unior with two other friends or ours# Dary 8hesnin and David Deffin. (hey were both strict Jews. item%%<62! I was taking a c ass in women9s economics and there was an attendee who was not a Ca e student but a 7ew $aven resident. $er name was Bi ie $utching. Ene day after there was a c ass viewing of a movie in some sort of sma theatre on campus Bi ie and I were sitting in the same row of seats for some time after the others departed. 3e ta ked and it was very warm between us. I embraced her and she was very moved. 3e started to date soon after. Ene of the first things I did whi e dating Bi ie was to buy her some daisies. I brought them to c ass and it was +uite a scene when I presented them to her. 'he b ushed. (here were a ot of gir s present and they ooked on si ent y# etting me e-pose my fee ings. It was an unusua day for me as a Ca e student. Ene time I s ept over at Bi ie9s apartment in the attic of a bui ding in 7ew $aven and she it up a mari.uana cigarette that we both smoked. I had tried pot once before at the home of Bes ie 2coca# a Ca e student# and I didn9t get high. But with Bi ie I got very high and it was frightening. 'he asked me if I wanted to take a wa k and we did. 3e sat on a swing at a p ayground and she daud ed around me# peeping through the chains# very bashfu y# which tanta i/ed my se-ua appetite. (he mari.uana seemed to make se- impossib e for me# whi e making it indescribab y more desireab e. It was terrib y frustrating. Bi ie had a daughter named Barbara. (he three of us went to a concert where everyone sat on the f oor. Barbara was continua motion and I read it as misbehavior and tried to get her to stop# raising my voice to her. Bi ie remonstrated me for doing it. 3e a p ayed on a p ayset outside for a whi e. I don9t reca our mode of transportation. I be ieve Bi y had no vehic e.

Bi ie moved into a different apartment at some point. 3e continued to date. item%%23<? I was riding my bike on ; m 'treet through campus one day and I saw a gir on a bike who was very pretty. 'o I caught up to her and used a ine on her. I said# 0what kind of bike do you haveF0 'he turned around and smi ed and answered. 3e rode on a bit and then we stopped outside the Ca e Dramat. 'he said her name was Bes ie 2coca. 3e ta ked a itt e and she invited me to visit her in her home# off campus ;ast +uite a ways# on another date. (he day came and I rode out to her house. It turned out she was iving with her boyfriend# a great disappointment to me. But we had a nice dinner and for the first time I was offered a mari.uana cigarette. It seemed safe enough of a setting so I tried it. 7othing happened. 2fter dinner we sat down in the iving room for conversation and Bes ie said that the ounge chair where she was sitting was where she had sat to comp ete her senior thesis# enab ing her to graduate. 'he said she wou d never forget it. Bes ie accounted for me her e-perience with cars as a cyc ist. 'he considered them adversaries in a very deep sense. 'he to d of an incident where a u-ury car was bothering her# I guess by getting too c ose# cutting her off# and honking at her on a city street crowded with parked cars# but repeated y as it wou d catch up to her and she wou d catch up to it by running red ights# which she considered the proper right of cyc es to do. 'he fina y had enough# got off her bike# and kicked in the u-ury car9s door# and then made off. 'he described her hand ing of this with spirited pride. I don9t remember# but undoubted y I wou d have recounted to her something about my so o bike trips. item%%??!D I bought some things at a bike shop on 8hape 'treet and the sa esgir was a nice ooking young b ond. 'he said her brother dropped out of Ca e to do bike racing. I iked her and got her name# Joanne 'tacey# and phone number. 3e made a date. 'he came over to my apartment and we made out on my bed without intercourse. It put her in an uncomfortab e position because we weren9t rea y c ear on what our re ationship was. 3e tried to ad.ust but it wasn9t something we cou d get comfortab e with. (he apartment was too sma for two peop e to use at once. 3e never went out again. 7ice gir though. I saw her wa king on the 'outh side of 8hape 'treet one day in hip boots and we said hi. item%%5"18 Darry Bruack# my friend from high schoo and one year behind me at Ca e# mentioned to me one day that he had been to a fo k dancing group on campus and recommended I try it. I went and it opened up a who e wor d of fun for me. (hey met every week. It was actua y a 7ew $aven group using Ca e space%%$endrie $a # where the Ca e Band had its offices. (here was a performing group in 7ew $aven whose members came to dance at $endrie. (he name of the group was 2idQ. I earned a ot of ine dances from a different countries. I wou d do the dance behind the ine whi e I

was earning it and when I fe t confident wou d break into the ine and .oin them# sometimes with disastrous resu ts because the ater figures were often more difficu t. I did earn +uick y though. 2s a regu ar attendee I chose to buy a pair of dancing shoes. 2 person from a company ca ed the (hracian Ba/aar# I be ieve in 7ew Jersey# came every so often and took orders for the hand%made shoes. <o k dance shoes are ca ed opanci. item%%?D0D <irst semester senior year at Ca e my courses and grades were) (heory of 2rchitecture# B >oney H <isca &o icy# D Internationa (rade (heory# B Departmenta ;ssay# 2 Introduction to <rench Biterature# B Ca e returned this year to a more traditiona grading system of 2B8D<. In my previous years there the system was honors# high pass# pass# and fai . item%%"B1< (heory of 2rchitecture was taught by 8har es >oore# dean of the architecture schoo . I have no idea what input there was by students that was gradeab e. (he ectures were noteworthy both for their surroundings in the notorious bui ding designed by &au =udo ph# the 2rt and 2rchitecture bui ding# and for their content. >r. >oore offerred the suggestion that a of architecture is one or the other of two basic entities. Ene was the ob.ect centra . (he other was the curtain surrounding. $is s ides were very good. I en.oyed the ectures a ot. It was my .unior year course in scu pture with ;rwin $auer that made me decide to become an architect. I remember taking a studio course in architecture that isn9t on my transcript. >y reco ection is that the teacher9s ast name was =oth. If it was then it might have been either of the two sons of ;mery =oth# Ju ian or =ichard# who took on contro of their firm of ;mery =oth and 'ons after their father died. It9s possib e this studio was part of >r. >oore9s course. ;mery =oth and 'ons was one of the foremost architecture firms of 7ew Cork 8ity. Ene pro.ect we did in the studio was to design a she ter for >anhattan9s 8entra &ark# in more than one variant. I did one that was borrowed from my scu pture c ass# with timbers represented by ba sa sticks# and another with a tension minima design represented by a piece of underwear stretched across wire simi ar to a coat hanger# in a sinusoida pattern in both hori/onta directions. (here was another pro.ect to design a bui ding showing structure and mine was a ba sawood structure with a diagona notch taken out of its midd e eaving a s+uare cross%section of sma er dimensions# and reinforced by string set into s its in the ba sawood. 3hen I moved to Boston after graduating from Ca e I saw a bui ding there with the e-act inverse design%%a protrusion outward at the midd e. (he teacher asked me how arge I was pro.ecting the structure to be# as there were no sca e c ues in the work. I said maybe a !0 storey bui ding. item%%0?2?

>oney and <isca &o icy c ass was taught by two peop e# a man named 3i iam 7ordhaus and a woman whose first name was 'usan. 3hen the c ass was supposed to form coup es to participate in a computer simu ation of the economy I fai ed to recogni/e peri in my very iconoc astic socia habits. I didn9t ook around the room to find a partner. I .ust watched as partnerships formed within a few seconds. I don9t reca there being any gir s in c ass. 2nyway# I was unab e to study the materia from e-perience as everyone e se was and got a D on the fina . I fe t terrib e because it was my first D ever# so I went to see >r. 7ordhaus and he asked me why I came in when I had passed. (his bothered me in that he was acting as if passing or fai ing was the on y issue. 'o on the uptake I went into a comp aint about the teaching not being very good. $e ooked at me with a pained e-pression and that ended the interview. item%%36;? Internationa (rade (heory c ass was taught by =ichard Breecher# who had taught my c ass in Deve opment ;conomics in .unior year. I iked this c ass as it presented the materia in a sensib e graphica form and I got the point. It was consistent mathematics. It argued that two contries can both benefit from internationa trade of two specia i/ed goods. (here was a student in c ass# a friend of mine by some ac+uaintence I forget# who tru y e-ce ed at this c ass and his c ass participation awed me. item%%B85< (he departmenta essay was a ma.or paper that was a departmenta re+uirement for graduation. $ow I managed to get Dary <ie ds as advisor I don9t reca but it was a fortuitous match. $e was young and encouraged me a ot. 3e met in 8ommons for unch sometimes to discuss the work. Dary was a abor economist and the topic for the paper he suggested to me was =ura :rban >igration and :nemp oyment in 2frica. 3hen I asked for an e-tension of a semester ater in the term he said he wou d a ow it on y if I e-panded it to cover 2frica and Batin 2merica. I worked pretty hard gathering data from 'ter ing Bibrary. I en.oyed it. (he card cata og became a fre+uent resource. (he echoes in the bui ding were comforting. (he fina writing went on most y in the Branford 8o ege ibrary sitting on the f oor# in a fair y sma number of very ong sessions. It was the most ambitious pro.ect I had ever worked on. (he process of contracting with an ;conomics department secretary to type the work when it was done was very p easant because of the fina ity of it for myse f. It cost me about a hundred do ars for about ?0 pages# typed. &retty cheap. 'he did an e-ce ent .ob. (here were a ot of tab es. Dary gave me an 2 minus# and that was the grade for both semesters of the course# necessari y. I went to a ecture Dary gave at the ;conomic Drowth 8enter about deve opment of some ess deve oped country and some abor topic. $e presented four different mode s to e-p ain the evidence in the matter whose substance I don9t reca . item%%5223 Introduction to <rench Biterature proved to be a better e-perience for me than my freshman c ass in 2dvanced <rench. (he reason was that I had spent a coup e months in <rance during the first semester

of .unior year. 3e did a 0recitation de te-te0 and the teacher comp imented me on mine. (here was a gir in c ass I iked and I asked her out to go fo k dancing. 3hen I showed up at her room in Janderbi t $a she said that her two roommates wanted to come# and it turned into a date with three gir s. It was une-pected and f oored me but it turned out a right. 3e a had a good time. I wore my boots# bought after the fashion of my friend (om 'tevens. (he three of us danced both together and apart. I got a B in Introduction to <rench Biterature. item%%4DB! During 8hristmas vacation I went back to 8hicago and stayed with my mother in D en ; yn. I did some checking and earned that there was an internationa fo k dance group at the Internationa $ouse of the :niversity of 8hicago. 2ttending a group there I met whi e dancing a gir of so id bui d yet tota y fema e named 8hery Burack. (a king afterward and being drawn to her I invited her to a p ay at the 'hubert (heater in 8hicago and she accepted. En our date to the p ay 8hery drove us in her car. 2fter the p ay as we wa ked back to the parking garage she immediate y showed me she was giving herse f to me comp ete y by the way she wa ked with me arm in arm but with especia y kinetic connection. I had no doubt we wou d have seeventua y. 2s we were driving that night she asked me to find a p ace for us to have se- and I thought of my father9s p ace and said I cou d do it. I contacted my father and he agreed to be out of his apartment one night so we cou d have it to ourse ves. I was fair y sure he wou d agree to this because he had a ways p aced such an emphasis on me dating. (he se- with 8hery was not memorab e. 3hen we eft the bedroom my father was s eeping in his ounge chair in the iving room# woke up# and greeted us. I dated 8hery two other times that vacation. Ene was to visit my mother. 3e spent some time wa king on the &rairie &ath and 8hery showed she had the wi to fo ow me wherever I went. (he other date I took me guitar with me for a visit to 8hery 9s house# met her mother# and we sat on her bed as I p ayed for her# showing very itt e ski but fee ing as if 8hery was g ad I was devoted to it and wanted to p ay for her. 1"62 12 1? 1 10 40 !6 segment 3600 1"63 06 23 1 01 44 30

item%%5;12 In segment 3!00# item id 822<# I note that I met a gir on bicyc e named Brenda 'trange and got her phone number. It was at the end of the schoo year of my .unior year and there was no time to go out with her then but I had promised her I wou d ca her when I returned for senior year. 'o that9s what I did. 3e went for a bike ride. I remember being stimu ated by her red hot pants as we

rode by $arkness (ower. 3e went to my apartment on (rumbu . :nder one of my sticks and tape scu ptures we ay on the f oor and started kissing. (hen we moved to my bed and had intercourse. 'he hadn9t gotten enough and said# 0ok# now I get to be on top.0 But I had c ima-ed and was not ab e to do that and she was crestfa en. 'he invited me to a party she had in her home apartment. I went and was offered my second ever mari.uana cigarette. (his time I got high and it was terrifying. I wanted nothing but se- with Brenda. But the thoughts that accompanied this desire were frightening and there cou d be no such se-. I wanted to s eep it off and stay a night on her couch but she shoed me out. 2s I rode my bike I continued to be terrified. I went to my c osest friends# &eter $ickok# Dave Deffin# and Dary 8hesnin# who were rooming together in Branford 8o ege at Ca e. I sat on Dave9s bed and e-pressed my ousy state of mind to him and gradua y I came out of it. item%%"?8? It occurred to me that 'cotch >agic (ape might be strong enough to carry the weight of a ot of sticks etand this wou d make possib e a very ong scu pture# described as first bui t in segment 3!00. I did some e-periments with bo-es of sticks sti in the bo- on the end of a ength of tape to see how many sticks they cou d ho d up and it was at east 3500# enough for a scu pture fifteen storeys ta . I viewed A ine Bio ogy (ower9s stairwe as the p ace to hang it. Anowing this needed sanction I went to the Ca e bui ding department with the idea. It took them a month to decide it was ok. I had to agree to take it down after a week or so%%fire ha/ard# which is why it was a good idea to go and ask in the first p ace. I spent a fu eight hour day bui ding it. I made a .ig to keep a ength of sticks in ine. 2s I made ength after ength I rubbed ta cum powder on the sticky side of the tape to keep it from sticking to itse f# then I fo ded each ength into a big cardboard bo-. I p anned out a proper anchor for the very top. Before assembing it I dipped every stick9s both ends in g ow%in%the%dark paint. I contacted one of my high schoo geometry c ass9s students# Bi y 2ugustine# to he p me erect it# and he was very e-cited about it. >ounting went smooth y. I contacted a friend who wrote for the Ca e Dai y 7ews# Don Betourneau# to et him know about it but he never got back to me and I don9t suppose he went to see it. I to d &eter $ickok about it and we went together to see it. $e was rapturous and made oohs and ahhs as he made waves in it that disappeared into the distance of the stairwe . 2fter a day it had stretched cumu ative y severa feet over its entire ength# so I c ipped the e-tra off the end. ;ach day or so I had to c ip a itt e more. (hen after a week I took it down# as promised. item%%2382

Biving in a sing e I had certain p easures I had never had before. I en.oyed making hot cocoa after my studies for the night were over# and sitting with it and reading short stories by E9$enry# I be ieve it was. item%%2"86 Anowing I faced a desperate search for work in architecture upon graduation from Ca e I approached 8har es >oore# who taught a course I was taking# to run my idea of apprenticing by him. I went to him right after c ass one day. I asked him if that was sti a viab e a ternative to going to graduate schoo . $e said# yes it definite y was worth a try. $e said to see him ater and he wou d give me some references. 'o ater I went to see him again and he asked me for five cities I was interested in iving in. I was shocked and de ighted that he was c aiming to be ab e to come up with a name in any city I cou d think of. >y ist inc uded 7ew $aven# 7ew Cork# Boston# 7ice in <rance# and another# possib y 8hicago. 'ure enough# he gave me five names in those p aces. I wrote to a of them# the one in 7ice in <rench. I got etters back but the one from Boston# which was actua y in 8ambridge# was the most promising. (hat was Don Byndon# I be ieve. 'ee this segment# item 83;D# for a discussion of how the trip went. I had ived in 7ice for a month at the end of my so o bicyc e tour of ;urope during a eave of absence from Ca e taken because I was depressed about osing my gir friend# Janet Dougherty because she was getting intimate with her &hi osophy tutor and teacher Jay Egi vie. <or a discussion of my stay in 7ice see segment 3!00# item <2?2 and fo owing. item%%<1;5 In order to have some evidence of my work in architecture and re ated fie ds to prospects in Boston# I engaged a friend of mine in Branford 8o ege at Ca e to take some pictures of scu ptures I had made in Irwin $auer9s c ass. (he friend9s name was ; iot 0'pike0 >idd eton. $e came to my apartment and took the shots with my assistance. (he pictures turned out very we . I don9t reca what if anything I paid for them. 'pike was very cordia and not charging for his work wou d have been natura for him. (he scu ptures 'pike photographed inc uded a ba sawood mode for a she ter for 7ew Cork9s 8entra &ark# and a hanging dynamic scu pture made of adhesive tape and hospita app icator sticks# three of which were assemb ed into a tight triang e. item%%83;D Ene of the references I got from 8har es >oore was to an architect in 8ambridge# >2 named Don Byndon I be ieve. 'ee this segment# item 2"86 for a discussion of the references. I wrote to Don and he invited me to come to 8ambridge and see him. 'omehow I happened to get in touch with Boring Ingraham about the trip and he gave me a phone number of a friend of his at $arvard named Bart Brown and said that Bart wou d be happy to he p me ook for work. (he phone number was 516%$C:% &;E7. Bart was indeed g ad to he p me out and put me up for a few days whi e I ca ed courtesy of my room providers to architects out of the ye ow pages# a of them in Boston and 8ambridge. I arranged interviews and saw a few of them. Ene was in downtown Boston. $e said they were 0a $arvard firm0 but were wi ing to hire Ca e grads as a sort of e+ua opportunity program. (hey didn9t hire me but it was a va uab e hospita ity for me as a visitor to the city. 2nother architect I spoke to on the phone commented that 0deciding for architecture is ike deciding for Jesus.0 I +uoted him to some senior archtects at (28 when I got work there but I probab y was in error in my attribution of it to someone

they were ta king about# which promted me to give the +uote. Don Byndon# my contact architect# was very he pfu and was the one who suggested I .ust sit down with a phone and ca every architect in the ye ow pages in the Boston area. Don9s office was sma and I be ieve was ocated on Bow 'treet. 3hi e I was staying at $arvard I created one of my scu ptures# the Batewave# and put a kitchen knife on it at the bottom and we mounted it into the cei ing. It made a big hit at a party they he d. (he Batewave was the reason I got into architecture. It is a strand of adhesive tape with sticks attached at right ang es every ha f inch. Cou put a weight on it and spin it and it winds up into a doub e he i- and unwinds and winds and so on# on its own. 3hi e I was in 8ambridge I be ieve Boring stopped into town and he and I and Bart went to an Ita ian restaurant on Dunster 'treet. During the mea Boring commented that the brain has two types of nerve ce s# inhibitive and incititive. It was outside this restaurant that I saw the first b ack gir who was attractive to me. I was home ess. <or a discussion of her see segment !400 item <BD8. I didn9t get a .ob on my trip to Boston but I did ta k to someone over the phone at (he 2rchitects 8o aborative and they had ha f a do/en office boy1apprentices on the staff and there was fre+uent turnover so they said I shou d persist. 3hen I fina y moved to 8ambridge I didn9t have a .ob ined up and my savings were running out. During my short trip to Boston I rea i/ed I needed to find a p ace to ive there so I cou d continue my search for work. I was wa king through the $arvard Draduate 'tudent $ousing# designed by (he 2rchitects 8o aborative# and found a bu etin board# and there I found a notice of a room in a cooperative apartment for rent. I ca ed# got a time to interview# and appeared. I made a hit with my enthusiasm and a so had a fee ing I wou d eventua y have se- with one of the three roommates# ; en 3eiss. (he to d me they wou d ca me in 7ew $aven with their decision. (he were interviewing a ot of peop e. (hey ca ed me in 7ew $aven and ; en to d me I was in. It was at 24 >e on 'treet in 8ambridge. 'ee segment 3600# item DD12 for what happened after I moved. item%%B21B 2 fe ow I had noticed wa king a ot on the E d 8ampus at Ca e when we were freshman# whose name was Bi 3a t/er# somehow found out with me that we both were ong distance bicyc ists. Bi had gathered a sma group of freshmen who were cyc ists into a short touring group and one day we a went on a trip to ' eeping Diant &ark# which was severa mi es away from Ca e. En a stop for repairs I showed the group how I used ubricating oi to coat my fingers before I attempted to p ace the adhesive tape on my sew%up tires# to avoid getting hope ess y stuck to the tape. Bi thought this was an e-ce ent idea. (he group of men ooked on with great interest. 3e came to a downhi run and a of us shifted into high gear but my derai eur fai ed and I ost out in the race to the bottom. 2fterward I comp ained of my e+uipment fai ure and Bi taunted me over it and said it didn9t matter%%I ost. 3e stopped for repairs again and I showed Bi how one of the 2mericans I met in 7ice had said he had earned to sit up with his back against a vertica wa and see who cou d stay there the ongest. I

cha enged Bi to such a contest and he accepted. 3e both sat against a handy tree. 2fter a coup e minutes I knew we were both getting shakey and I saw the contest reaching a key moment. I said to Bi that I cou d go another minute. (his broke Bi and he +uit# eaving me with victory. I stayed sitting for another ten seconds .ust to rub it in. (his assuaged my hurt from the oss of the race down the hi . (he group of cyc ists raced back to Ca e and strung out competitive y at great distances from each other. I got back first. item%%;;15 'ometime during my senior year# I9m not sure which semester# I was doing some reading in the section of a arge number of study tab es in the front# 'outh end# of the bottom f oor of 8ross 8ampus Bibrary# now ca ed the Bass Bibrary# at Ca e# when I decided I needed a study break. I got up# wa ked down the center of the stacks# stopped at a random row# turned random y to the eft side# wa ked down the row a random ength# turned random y to the right# went to a random she f# and after these si- random steps# took out a random book. It was a book I had never heard of) (he I 8hing. Booking over the te-t I discovered that it is used in the same way I found it%%random se ection. (here are 54 sections of commentary on what are considered to be 54 e ementary situations in ife and by random se ection# such as tossing sticks of yarrow or three coins# one of these sections is se ected and taken as counse on that particu ar moment and ife circumstance. >ore specifica y# a se ection of one out of 54 possibi ities takes si- binary choices# because 54 e+ua s 2 raised to the si-th power. It took me si- random choices to get to the book. I put the book back and considered its discovery by me a good use of time. item%%2;05 I got a phone ca in my apartment from 8hery Burack# whom I had met in 8hicago as discussed in segment 3500 item id 4DB!. 'he was driving through 7ew $aven for some reason# why was not c ear to me# and asked if she cou d visit me. (his of course wou d have ed to se- and I was not fee ing ike se- with her was not what I needed at the time# primari y because of my studies and a so because my apartment was very sma and a protracted stay there by 8hery wou d have been difficu t ogistica y. 3ithout e-p aining my ob.ections I .ust said no to her and though I don9t reca what she said or how she said it I am sure she took it with some surprise and considerab e disappointment. I had made no promises to her upon our ast seeing each other in 8hicago and was somewhat of a romantic idiot for the most part and had not figured out much about what women meant to me. It was a moment to moment thing with me. I certain y wish a the best to 8hery and wou d offer her my apo ogies for my insensitivity on that occasion. item%%8!0; 'econd semester of senior year my c asses and grades were) Drafting# B 'tatistics and ;conomics# D

Departmenta ;ssay# 2 ;conomic &erspectives on 3omen# 8 Introduction to <rench Biterature# B (he fu grade for departmenta essay was 2 minus but the transcript does not show p uses or minuses. item%%423" Drafting c ass was taught by $erbert Dute# who was aging but was very e-perienced. I was taking the course because I had switched my career p ans from economics to architecture. I had some troub e with this course. 2s a studio course it needed more physica presence in a studio# but none was avai ab e. 'ome of the students did e-ce ent work but it didn9t seem to be in response to anything >r. Dute said. 3e were pretty much on our own. (he best piece of advice I got from >r. Dute was to confine the si/e of ines of a drawing to three# and make them e-treme y different. 3hen I worked for an architectura engineer in 8hicago during the summer of 1"?" I used this techni+ue on a drawing and when a .unior draftsman saw it he ye ed at me that it was bad work. I didn9t buck e and the commotion attracted a senior draftsman who came over# ooked at the drawing# and said# 0the drawing is fine.0 (he vast ma.ority of drawings I have seen by designers do not use this techni+ue. (hey use a sing e si/e ine. I can see a ot more potentia for good drawings in the three ine si/e approach than in the one. >y fina drawing# which was of :nity (emp e by <rank B oyd 3right# got scortched by a fire I had in my apartment# but more to the point I ost my drawing set%up and cou dn9t finish the drawing. I got a B for the c ass. item%%<;;" 'tatistics and ;conometrics c ass was taught by >r. 7oushirvani# the director of undergraduate studies in ;conomics. I found the materia opa+ue. <or my paper# I got the he p of a $arvard friend of my Ca e friend Boring Ingraham. I went to 8ambridge with my punched cards and he processed them for me. (he fe ow and I had coffee at a cafe and he asked me what grade I got on my senior essay# which invo ved some statistics. I was intimidated by him and eft out the ninus on the 2. (he way he ooked at me# he must have sensed I was hiding something. (he transcript doesn9t show p uses or minuses. (here was during the course some work as a c ass at the Ca e 8omputation 8enter. I fe t ike an outcast and didn9t get any of those itt e tips shared between students. I poor y understood the work. item%%1384 ;conomic &erspectives on 3omen c ass was taught by a woman. I got itt e out of it. (here was some going over the statistics about a the things women do in the home and their economic va ue. I didn9t deny this. I didn9t get a sense that this was a very serious course. I didn9t work hard and was ucky to get a 8. (he discussion of my grade with the teacher at the end of the course was brief and unp easant. 'he was conscious of the fact I got a good dea and was concerned it was too good a dea . I don9t remember what substance she had of my work to go on. I met Bi ie $utching in the c ass# a 7ew $aven gir # and dated her# as discussed in segment 3500# item id <62!. item%%;8?"

I had in my Introduction to <rench Biterature c ass the gir I had met at the beginning of the schoo year# Danie a Dane i. 'he encouraged me to ask out another gir in c ass# 8aro e &a ey# a gir with great ooks and a great mind# +uite sma er than me. I did. 3e went running out to ;ast =ock. <or the fu story# see segment 3500# item id <B6B. I got a B in the course. item%%3?!" I was dating and having intercourse with a non%Ca e student gir from 7ew $aven named Bi ie $utching. It was not heading in the direction of permanence and this upset me# as I was very attracted to her. I was in my apartment at 36 (rumbu 'treet mu ing over this re ationship and had it a votive cand e to stare at. I had put it on top of a cardboard disk from a yoghurt container# on a wooden stoo in the kitchen. I did not rea i/e that I had .ust created a ma.or fire ha/ard. I was very unfami iar with fire. I was used to e ectric stoves# for one thing. I was a non%smoker# for another. I had never given fire much consideration. 'o there was the ma.or fire ha/ard. I comp ete y missed it. I had some schoo work to do# as a ways# and# after a whi e spent ooking at the cand e and mu ing Bi ie# decided it was time to go to the ibrary and work. 'o I eft the cand e burning on the stoo and took my bike and went to the campus ibrary. 2fter a coup e hours I decided I had enough studying and went home. I opened the door to my apartment and it was comp ete y engu fed in f ames. I shut the door +uick y and went upstairs to the apartment of Jictor and 2nne 'tewart# Jictor a Ca e a umnus. (hey weren9t home but they had eft the door un ocked so I went in and ca ed "11 and reported the fire. (hey had two dogs# < ucky and Brandiwine# but I cou d on y find Brandiwine and took him out of the bui ding to wait for the fire department to arrive. (he fire trucks arrived very soon. (hey had the fire out in a few minutes. >iracu ous y# 2nne 'tewart arrived right about this time and I to d her there was a fire and that was why I had Brandiwine. Dasping a breath# she rushed into the bui ding to find < ucky and found her ,himF* and brought her out. (hen I went into the bui ding to see my apartment. (here were three firemen standing amidst the soaking charred remains of everything. I saw my baby spider p ants sti sitting on the window fire escape. I rea y must have infuriated the firemen when I said something rea y f akey about ife sti iving in the p ants. But that was minor to what they must have thought when I rea i/ed that the cand e I had it must have started the fire and said that the scorched spot on the kitchen f oor must have been where the cand e was and that it must have started the fire. (hey didn9t say anything. (he ne-t day or so when I went into the aw offices of the bui ding owner# ;dward J. >arkus# in the bui ding downstairs# to ta k things over# he e-pressed his apo ogies and offerred to cover my osses. I ater made a ist and it was a few hundred do ars. I must admit that in my haste to make the most of

the situation# and unaccustomed to deep e-aminations of my motives# I padded the ist with a arge number of items for osses of books that had been damaged but I p anned to keep. I9m not sure what I gave as amounts but I had bought some of the book items at a considerab e markdown. I may have +uoted the fu price# as printed on the books. I don9t remember. I didn9t think about te ing >r. >arkus about my having started the fire# but I certain y didn9t go into the meeting hoping to concea it. I had private thoughts about the impropriety of accepting money when I had caused the fire myse f# but I didn9t have the ega preparation for activating those private thoughts with an e ement of ega ramifications of my actions. But then I was ca ed into the office by an assistant and he said that they weren9t going to cover my osses because one of the firemen had reported to >r. >arkus that I had started the fire# and a so had e-pressed contempt for my persona sty e of hairdo and the socia c ass it put me in. I had ong hair because my father wasn9t paying G?00 of his year y portion towards my co ege e-penses. 8utting my hair myse f when it got to be ong was an easy cost saving method. 7ot ong after the fire I rode my bike out to see Bi ie and te her about the fire. I was fee ing out of contro a itt e. I eft my bike on her front porch and went in to ta k to her. 3hen I went out again the bike was gone. I went into the house and to d Bi ie what had happened and said something about me being another Job ike the one in the Bib e. 'he remonstrated me and said I didn9t need to have a Job comp e-. I then took a wa k around the b ock ooking for my bike. Aind of si y# rightF En the corner there was a gang of b acks gathered sitting on some sort of bench or something and I asked them if they had seen a bike of my description of it. 2 so kind of stupid of me# rightF Ene of them asked me if I was a 0Ca e0. I said yes. Aind of stupid. I arranged at some point to move into a house that was a home for about a do/en Ca e students who were members of a church. >y friend from high schoo # Darry Bruack# was either among them or associated with them. I was ucky they accepted my re+uest to ive there. item%%D!03 Ene of the students iving in the Butheran $ouse was Boring Ingraham. 3hen I to d him at some point that I had found an interesting book ca ed the I 8hing# which discovery I discuss in segment 3600# item id ;;15# he said he used it himse f and# considering my run of bad uck# offerred to consu t it for me. I didn9t know the most traditiona method using yarrow sta ks so I accepted his offer. In his bedroom sitting on the f oor Boring did his work# casting the yarrow sta ks. (hen he took up his I 8hing te-t and ooked up the he-agram# as the 54 e ementary situations are ca ed# that he had se ected. $e read it through and said to me# 0(hings are bad for you. (hey9re going to get worse.0 $e didn9t te me which he-agram it was and I didn9t ask. I hadn9t done any further study of the book since finding it. 2bout a year ater I sufferred an acute psychotic break# as discussed in segment 3"00# item id 62<6. item%%281! 2nne and Jictor 'tewart had a friend named &asha who invited me to visit with him in the 'tewart apartment. 7ice fe ow# Indian. I never met Jictor. (he 'tewarts a ways eft their apartment un ocked. item%%2DD0

2fter my bike had been sto en I started ooking at every bike I saw on the street to see if it was mine. (his was vane# rightF But I did see it. 2 b ack guy was riding it# I be ieve on 8hape 'treet# near Janderbi t $a . I ran to catch up with him# and did so. I asked him to stop. $e did. I immediate y saw that someone had taken a sma hammer to the top tube# eaving a nasty dent and impression. 2pparent y ight y damaging sto en goods is a method theifs use to se sto en merchandise. >y heart urched. I said that this was my bike and asked where he had gotten it. $e said he had bought it in the ghetto. I asked for how much and he said something ike G!0. I figured this was possib y a ie# possib y truth. 2gain# out of despertion for a ife sty e now ost# I offerred to pay him that much for it. $e said he was interested. $e said he cou dn9t make the dea immediate y# that he had to go teach a martia arts c ass. I figured this was a ie trying to scare me with his abi ity to fight. $e gave me an address where he supposed y ived. I went to the Ca e po ice and asked them to accompany me to the address and recover the bike without paying for it# since it was mine. (hey did and the address was ocated in some housing owned by Ca e. (he precise address didn9t e-ist. item%%855! During the course of and after my residence at 36 (rumbu 'treet in 7ew $aven# I met four women iving or working there. (here was 3anda# the receptionist for ;dward J. >arkus9s aw offices. 'he was +uiet. 3e went on one date I forget where. I noticed she had an e-treme muscu ar tension throughout her body. (his distracted me from getting to know her. (hen there was Brigg# a Ca e graduate student of Derman e-traction I be ieve who ived in the other apartment on my f oor. 'he came and asked me if I had a hammer to fi- some furniture or something in her apartment. I was g ad to have a typica ma e9s ro e in meeting her as she was +uite attractive and vivacious. I dated the assistant of the dentist with his office on my f oor. $er name was Binda 'chott. 'he was a itt e heavy# b ond# and had a strong smoker9s breath. I made no p ay for her emotions beyond .ust getting from point 2 to point B# as I was interested in her se-ua y and nothing e se# which embarassed me a bit but I dived head ong into our date# .ust p ain going for it by picking her up in my arms in my apartment before we went on a date to the Branford 8o ege# Ca e# coffee house in the basement. 3a king from 13? to Branford she commented right away that she was g ad we 0did that.0 'he was c ear I was not out to take advantage of her# on y was stimu ated by her openness. 2t Branford we ay on the carpet surrounded by students and I read a graffitti on the wa about Aant and some sort of dia ectic# whatever that is. Ca e graffiti. (here was nothing much going on between Binda and me. <ina y# there was 2nne 'tewart# who ived with her husband Jictor 'tewart in the apartment above mine# the top f oor of three. 'he was a rea knockout and when I moved to 8ambridge# >2# after graduation I found out she had separated from her husband and was iving out in 8oncord or thereabouts# so I ca ed her and she invited me to come and visit. I rode my bike. 7othing was possib e because severa friends of hers# maybe of her husband9s# hung around her and watched me ike hawks the who e time I was there. (hose were the four gir s I met from 36 (rumbu 'treet.

item%%;5<D (oward the end of my senior year I tota ed up my economics credits to date and rea i/ed I had a prob em. I was short a course of the departmenta re+uirement for courses in the ma.or fie d. I hatched a scheme to use a probabi ity course I had taken as a nomina prere+uisite to econometrics# which I had taken. I appeared before my departmenta advisor# >r. 7oushirvani# to present my scheme. $e was not impressed. $e said the ink I was suggesting was weak and he wou dn9t buy it. I then brought into the discussion my fire and bicyc e theft and said I rea y needed a break here. $e gave in at that point. 2n unfavorab e ru ing wou d have meant needing funds for another term to take one course# for both tuition and room and board# funds which I didn9t have. I was very ucky to get my degree. item%%;851 2s I said e sewhere# &eter $ickok and I wa ked together during the procession at graduation from Ca e. >y parents arrived for the ceremony separate y. >y mother came accompanied by my sisters Bisa and Binda and our ne-t door neighbor# 8indy Bowyer# and her son# &au . <or the occasion I fi-ed the Dreek dish ca ed >oussaka for my Butheran group home# with my mother9s party .oining us. I had never fi-ed this dish and used a recipe from a book. I didn9t know what a white sauce was and didn9t heat it# as must have been specified. (he dish came out soupy and when +uestioned by 8indy about my procedure she estab ished this fai ure of mine to heat the white sauce. (hey were good so diers and ate it. En the occasion of the assemb y of the residents in the group home for dinner I to d the story of .ust a day ago passing &au 7ewman# a graduate of the acting schoo # in sung asses# on the sidewa k and smi ing at him# but he 0pretended he didn9t recogni/e me.0 as I e-pressed it. (his got a big augh. >y father took a room at the $o iday Inn# where he entertained me for a moment or two# drank something a coho ic on a tab e for that# and to d me that he didn9t eave my mother for se-# that she was 0very good.0 $e a so to d me that his doctor had given him permission# fo owing the separation# to masturbate# for the hea th of his se-ua organs. $e termed it permission# 0to p ay with myse f.0 (his affected my own practices# as I took the advice as good for me too. I took my father to the top of an entryway in Branford 8o ege# I be ieve it was. I wanted him to see Ca e from the vantage of height# something I fe t he wou d appreciate as a seasoned trave er. (his particu ar entryway had an out et at the top to a sma outdoor space. >y father took a whi e to gather his wits and sense of direction# and I was g ad to have done this for him and fe t it was not the kind of thing most students did for their fami ies. 2fter the centra university ceremony there was a sma ceremony at each of the co eges where the actua dip omas were handed out. Branford he d its one in the arge courtyard# with the students sitting on the grass# very green and fresh for the spring season. (he few fami ies witnessing the event stood here and there at the edge of the party of students. >y mother and her group were on one side and my father on another# we away from my mother. 2s they approached my name in the order of conveyances# I prepared a decsion# whether to accept my dip oma with gravity or with /est. I chose /est# and >aster (rnkhaus# handing me my dip oma# echoed that keynote.

item%%DD12 2fter graduation ceremony I put a my possessions in a :%$au van and moved to my new home in 8ambridge# >2. Bocated at 24 >e on 'treet# it was a house owned by Bes ie 8o ege# ne-t door. Ene man named 3i ie =uss ived on the ground f oor# the coop of four peop e where I wou d ive was on the second f oor# and a doub e was on the top f oor. >y roommates were =ick Bohn# an architect who received his training at $arvard9s Draduate 'choo of Design# Bi/ 3einberger# a psych ma.or somewhere# and ; en 3eiss# an architecture historian who had not recieved her &h.D. yet despite having done a the course work for it# putting her immediate emp oyment prospects into dim ight. I recieved a ot of encouragement in my .ob hunt from =ick and ; en. ; en ined up an interview for me with a fe ow# I be ieve by the name of Bob (hompson# who ived near us on >e on and was an architect in the andscape architecture department at (he 2rchitects 8o aborative# where I had an app ication in and had interviewed. (he interview with this fe ow from >e on 'treet was to be informa and we met at a oca bar. Eur ta k was very congenia and I made an attempt to disp ay my comradery rather than any putative design ta ents. 3e made an appointment for me to come into the office and be shown around. 2t the office I met 7ick =eed# another former office boy who was working in the andscape architecture department# and it was encouraging to hear the introduction between us# which was# to 7ick# 0here is a fe ow you wi want to meet.0 2pparent y my strategy of putting the emphasis on my socia ski s rather than my design ski s was working. 3ithin a week or so I got the .ob as office boy at (he 2rchitects 8o aborative. 1"63 06 23 1 01 44 30 segment 3?00 1"64 02 2! 0 04 4? 02

item%%0"B" I hadn9t gotten the .ob at (he 2rchitects 8o aborative unti a month after arriving in 8ambridge and a my money was used up by the time I started the .ob. I didn9t have any money for unch on the first day. item%%?B10 (he first day on the .ob I was assigned to the Interiors department# ocated on the top# si-th f oor# or penthouse# f ooded with day ight from sky ights. (he department personne were a most a women# and I immediate y went into high gear for them. (hey inc uded Baura 3adsworth# Binda =anieri# Dora Aaufmann# and two gir s named >ary and =andi. (he secretary9s name was Barbara and the two associates in charge were >ichae &rodonou and 2nn ; we . >y first day of work a fe ow of 8/ech ethnicity named Bi $visdak# who had on y .ust .oined the interiors team# took me as his student. $e was known for being unstab e. 3hen a sa esman came to the office Bi tore apart his samp es and to d the guy the product was defective. Bi gave me his portfo io and to d me to take it home and study it. $e f ipped through it with me and pointed to a photo of an interior he had designed and asked me# 03hat does that ook ikeF0 I wasn9t sure. $e said it was nothing# .ust a big vacant space. $e seemed terrib y proud of it. $e to d me to go get my unch and when I said I didn9t have any money for unch he gave me a five

do ar bi and said to go buy myse f unch. (hen when I got back he said he was putting me on charrette. I didn9t know what that meant# and I didn9t think it was important since it wasn9t in my vocabu ary and when I got up to go for a break Bi ye ed at me# 03here do you think you9re goingF Cou9re on charretteI0 I e-pressed my ignorance of that and he e-p ained to me that when architects are working to meet a dead ine they go on charrette and don9t do anything but draw unti the drawings are done. It comes from the days when drawings were picked up at their offices by someone in a cart# and the word for cart in <rench is charrette' 'evera days ater Bi had to eave (28 permanent y for menta hea th reasons. (he (28 bu iding# at 45 Bratt e 'treet# was designed by (28 itse f%%very typica of their work. (here was a courtyard shared by Design =esearch# off Bratt e 'treet. In this courtyard there was a stee abstract figurative scu pture ne-t to (28 and across from it# ne-t to D=# a concrete bench. (here were casement windows for (289s basement f oor a ong the ground# so when they were open the office boys wou d communicate when necessary between courtyard and the office services head+uarters in the basement# right behind the scu pture. (28 had been founded by 3a ter Dropius with some of his students from the D'D at $arvard in the first years he was Dean there. Dropius had founded the Bauhaus in Dermany. 8o aboration was a principa idea of his# that better work cou d be done when everyone subverted his ego to the group. $ow he did this whi e maintaining his own preeminence# which he definite y did# is something of a mystery to me. I arrived two years after his death so everything I earned about him was second hand. =ecent study by me has revea ed that Dropius didn9t know how to draw and deve oped his ideas of co aboration so that others wou d do that for him. item%%8"2? 3hy was there no ce ebration in Boston and vicinity when I won a foot race with Jim Jeas and (oby 'iroisF Did I need to speak of itF It was after my working with Bi $visdak and whi e I was sti the office boy for (289s Interiors Department. 'omeone in a monarchy had to have known about it. 8ertain y a ow ranking person did and had 'teve 7ay or return the favor# in evidence that it hurt rea y bad y# and that the who e matter had descended into bad b ood ooking for a weakness. (he finish of the race was eventfu . >r. Jeas and I were neck and neck and about 200 meters from the end# oose y defined# I produced a kick as if I hadn9t been running unti then. >r. Jeas had no kick and finished far behind me. (he course was about three mi es. >r. 'irois was ast. 'ometime ater in the (28 Interiors Department I was doing some drawing for >r. Jeas and he had some comment about my drawing# which I forget# and then said# 0,but* you certain y can run.0 >r. Jeas had had me drawing for him before the foot race. $e was an architect and I was an officeboy. If >r. Jeas be ieves his remark was a return b ow for his oss in the race# and my ack of a fight after it a oss in standing in striving with architects ca ing for finishing me off# then I give my permission# to those responsib e for assessing the standing in striving with architects# to consider the Boston >arathon bombings of 2013 04 1! my return b ow to his remark# since evident y Boston favors >r. Jeas over me. 3hat evidence is there that Boston favors James Jeas over meF (he (28 architects9 striving was in a sense confined to 8ambridge. 2nd there was substantia evidence when I was home ess in Boston that

Boston favored me in abso ute terms# regard ess of however it fe t about >r. Jeas. It wou d seem necessary to assign to Boston fina authority over 8ambridge in the administration of responses to professiona conduct if one is to understand the reasoning behind the introduction of etha force in Boston when the professiona conduct in +uestion occurred in 8ambridge. (he end of the ascent of authority in the matter wou d rest in the 'tate of >assachusetts# which governs the practice of architecture separate y from other states# at east in the matter of architects9 icenses. and as the argest metropo itan district in >assachusetts Boston has more to say in matters of professiona conduct than other districts in the state. (he ascent of .urisdiction to the federa eve # which wou d bring in the interests of other ma.or metropo itan districsts# might be e-pected to occur with significant certainty where there is an issue of morta ity that goes beyond the bounds of oca concerns# as etha and other processes that bear on the popu ation9s preparedness in nationa emergency are more rightfu y decided in a nationa arena. >y i ness brought me to ad.acency with death and this raises the .urisdiction to the federa eve . It may be that the nature of the ad.acency is sub.ect to some +uestion# resu ting in a difference of opinions on .urisdiction. >y three vo untary fa s straight back on my head in 1"65 wou d be re evant to such opinions# p acing my wi to bring my own death into ight. >y three s eeping pi overdoses whi e home ess go even farther in this# and c ear y the G!0 bi the $arvard :niversity &o ice gave me after the third overdose argues that at east for some the opinion is in my favor# and that immediate financia conse+uences are attendant on this. (he connection between menta i ness and morta ity may not be we known# speaking of its distribution# but it is known more common y among the higher ranks of doctors# one can fair y surmise# and this makes app ication of aw with recourse to such know edge a matter of privi ege. I had no such privi ege as an office boy but eventua y I arrived into it. 3e see the effects in Boston today ,2pri 2"# 2013*. I think that there is considerab e uncertainty in >r. Jeas9s mind# conscious nat or not ,a Bateknianism) natP1# notP0*# about the magnitude of my character# a situation that is echoed in his socia network. >y approach to this who e matter is that I have such an opinion of my character that I can e-treme y safte y say its magnitude is greater that that of >r. Jeas# who had a detectab e nervous habit in the workp ace that showed he had numerous issues unreso ved in his si/ing of his socia situation in that he a owed his ca cu ations to be seen to be out of strict contro . (his is the mark of a dangerous person without a measured sheath for his danger. $is socia network may now be assessed as e+ua y dangerous for the same reason. (hey view what appea I have as sugary and du . (hey share inte without cross%checking at higher ranks. 'uch a socia network is compe ed by surface appearances to the e-c usion of other detai s. I can never be we comed by them# a state forbidden which I shou d not seek. I shou d not take a boastfu position with the know edge Boston9s pain is a service to my score with Jeas# as if there was some advantage in the Boston arena in it. :nti Jeas is identified by Boston as the reason the bombings took p ace they are a situation in re ations between 8hicago and Boston# the monarchica entities of unknown number each. 2t the time of the foot race >r. Jeas did not have an architect9s icense stamp. Between the tme of the race and the beginning of my i ness he got one. I do not know what the ega time of icensing is with respect to the time of getting a stamp. (he course for the race between Jeas# 'irois# and myse f was from a $arvard fie dhouse# a ong the 'outh side of the 8har es =iver westward# across the first bridge# back east to the first bridge and over it# then a second such ap# back to the fie dhouse. I started my kick about 100 meters before the ast bridge. 3hether we did one or two aps is not abso ute y certain to me. Jeas and 'irois were maybe ten years o der than me# each. (hey were fit and ran the course at a decent pace. I hadn9t run with them before and didn9t after. (he invited me to run this time and didn9t invite me

again. (hey ran together regu ar y# I be ieve# how regu ar y I do not know. I be ieve they both were heterose-ua . (hey were both somewhat dashing# especia y Jeas. I know of no gir friends e-isting for either at the time I knew them. (hey were both fu y integrated into (28 society# though 'irois was a itt e shy# or softspoken. 2t the point of the race where I was neck and neck with Jeas and .ust about to begin my kick 'irois had a ready dropped back about 100 meters# so the transition from friend y run to race had effective y a ready occurred. It is not evident whether Jeas9s socia network intended to cause my menta i ness and if they didn9t whether they found it either acceptab e# agreeab e# or de ightfu . 8ertain y there was an over ord who found it acceptab e at some time when a decision cou d have been made that wou d have averted or transformed it. (he warning signs wou d have inc uded my having no presentab e gir friend# a situation that wou d ike y have been desired and engineered by Jeas9s network. 2nd certain y the appearance of consu tant9s son Jean &au ,see segment 3"00 item62<6* was intentiona y hosti e to me and showed c ear y no one was thinking about my fate favorab y. Jean &au was British. Jeas was of British stock. I am of British stock out of Devonshire# with arriva in 2merica in 1565. I am sure the broad range of popu ation hit by the bombs was not intended to rep ace Jeas# but to cut into the popu ation to get at the roots of my i ness# coming from a vantage of circumspection about my various specu ations about those roots but evident y some conc usion that there was enough evidence to be very confident that somewhere in a of it there was a rat. 2ny suggestion of a sense that genius was the cause of my menta i ness comes from a motive of hiding the rea cause tota y the reverse# name y my striving with (28 architect James Jeas and his network. (hat such a device is +uite arguab y intended by them wou d indicate that they harbor gui t in the cause of the i ness# whether or not it was intentiona . (hat they wou d use such a strategy# prone to use against them# is a mark of ow inte igence. If James Jeas fe t that his oss in the foot race was a cha enge of ife or death he needed to act to dispe his fee ings before ives were ost. $is comment to me in the office afterward was a I had to go on in assessing the cha enge he may have fe t# at east unti ong after my eaving (28. <rom a these considerations I can see no difference in any assessment of the status at present that depends on whether I did or did not have ife and death issues with Jeas at the time I knew him. I do not be ieve I showed I did have them. I was certain y unaware of my having any. I he d >r. Jeas in some regard as I did a most a the architects at (28# perhaps a of them. (he incident of the race and Jeas9s comment at the office did not change this. Incident and comment were transient. 2 search on ine has produced a more nob e view of >r. Jeas. $e spent time in the &eace 8orps before I knew him at (28# and he wi ed over G300#000 to his a ma mater# the :niversity of >ichigan. $e he d more than one administrative position in academia after (28# and he died in 1""?. I am sorry that I mis.udged him. But I sti don9t fee as if I ever acted with hosti ity toward him and don9t understand why he seemed to be in a funk over osing the foot race to me. &erhaps the peop e he served in the &eace 8orps# in Bo ivia# fo owed his course of ife afterward and out of not understanding 2merica9s competitive cu ture were upset about my dea ing him a resounding oss in the foot race. I can assure them that >r. Jeas was a fine person# and my attitude toward him was not something I thought significant in this wor d. I doubt he himse f ever wished me any i # as befits a

fine person# James Jeas. Bet9s put a this rancor aside. It doesn9t serve >r. Jeas9s memory. item%%B266 (289s office manager was 8har es (ownsend. 8har es was very c ear y spoken and a ways upbeat. $e got peop e to do e-ce ent work without a ot of fuss# whi e sti being e-p icit about what he wanted. 2fter a year of emp oyment he gave me a merit raise# which I didn9t notice unti he pointed it out to me# with a hea thy sa utation. I didn9t notice it as a raise because it was on y a few cents an hour and I thought it was a mistake. 3hen I .oined (28 the head of office services was &atrick $icko-# who had graduated from Ca e the year before I did and I9m sure this o d schoo tie he ped me get the .ob. (he princip es of my era that I remember were 8hip and 'arah $arkness# and $erb Da agher# a students of Dropius# and &eter >orton# a recent admittee. I met 8hip $arkness once. 2 group of associates inc uding 8hip were assemb ed by the e evator on the interiors f oor and 8hip was mounting something on the wa or doing some other mechanica task. $e asked for a hammer and I happened to have one so I put it in his hand with gusto# ike a nurse hands a sca pe to a surgeon ,my mother was an army nurse during 33II*. 8hip was taken by the gesture and paused to give me a carefu ook. (he assemb ed group gave a po ite itt e augh. 'a y9s persona secretary# 'aretta 3inneg# had been Dropius9s persona secretary. 'he was very soft and precious# a ways with a smi e. I wou d put app es and bananas in her desk drawer# secret y# and she wou d radiate acknow edgement to me when she found them. I never spoke to 'arah. $erb had his office on the fourth f oor and I spent severa months as their office boy. $erb9s persona secretary was Aay E9Beary# a ta # high y discip ined# but very warm ady with whom I came to be very friend y and whose needs I a ways went to every e-treme to satisfy# which she a ways made me g ad I did. $erb was aconic# very ta and thin# and seemed on the brink of re uctant invective constant y. &eter was the partner in charge of the 2bu Dhabi and 2 2in hospita pro.ects which I was office boy to. $is persona was definite y of a more recent mo d than the partners who were Dropius students. $e was a business# and had a sharp y focussed somewhat mean streak. I never had occasion to ta k to him. $e rare y appeared in the team office when I was there. item%%<"12 Effice services head+uarters consisted of the head9s desk# behind him a ot of meta frame she ves with office supp ies on them# the copy machine area for two machines one of which was a very arge Reroand the other an IB># and the mai area# with a workspace for the guy who did the mai # in my era Barry E9(oo e# behind the mai bo-es for each f oor. Interoffice mai enve opes went into these besides :.'. mai . 2ny copying .obs re+uested by anyone on the f oor had to be done by the office boy centra y in head+uarters. item%%52D! 2 so in the basement# entered by going c ear through the office services area# was the specifications office# which hand ed the specifications portion of a p ans turned out by (28. (hese documents specified what materia s were to be used for each bui ding component# and other such detai s. (he department was run by an associate# 3a ter =osenfe d.

2 so in the basement was a sma ibrary with p enty of g ossy design maga/ines. (he ibrarian was 2nn $artmere# whom I admired great y. 'he kept things tight a the time# and was a ways ready with e-pert advice or information. I had wondered what the A p us a number was in istings of >o/art9s music and happened to ask her about it# and she informed me it stood for Aocha # which was the name of a man who did a cata og of >o/art9s work. 3hen I rea i/ed that much of my time was s ack I asked if it was ok for me to spend this e-tra time sitting in the ibrary reading maga/ines# and they said it was. 'o I began my introduction to the fast% paced g amorous wor d of design there in the (28 ibrary. Ether office boys# and gir s# spent their e-tra time socia i/ing with each other in office services head+uarters# seated on a ong bench beside the head9s desk. >y a oofness earned me the tit e of 0spaceman#0 which I didn9t ike. 2mong the architects I was animated# and among the office boys I was mute. Ence when I was standing among other office boys 2nn $artmere commented to me that I had e-ce ent posture. I ran into 2nn many years ater when I was home ess# as I mention in segment !500# item 2<5?. 2nn had an assistant named =o-ie. 'he was petite and rea cute# but seemed very fragi e. 2t the rear of the ibrary was an office for the vau t. (he vau t itse f was ocated in a warehouse near >I(. (he guy who managed vau t storage# an e+ua with the office boys more or ess# was a guy who iked to draw imaginary scenes. $e was accepted at some high y rated architecture schoo in 8ambridge# >I( or $arvard# I thought probab y because he must have had an interesting portfo io# though I thought his things were very odd. 2 so in the (28 basement was the office of the bui ding superintendant# <rank. $e iked to hau me into conversation with him whenever I needed to get something from him. $e had two he pers# (im# who was of Irish stock# and another man# ta er with a itt e paunch. item%%?063 (here were two e evators in the bui ding# front and back. (he front cou d accomodate 1! peop e. ;ntrance to the bui ding was by the main entrance from the courtyard# the 'tory 'treet main entrance# or the minor 'tory 'treet entrance in the back. (he courtyard was at a ower than street e evation so you went up stairs to get to (289s ground f oor from the courtyard. (hat entrance brought you to an e evator obby for the front e evator# and then you cou d pass through to a reception area a so entered from an entrance on 'tory 'treet. (his area had rea y comfortab e chairs for waiting. (here was a cubic e in reception for a phone operator. 7orth of reception there was a arge office for a the accountants# with an office across the ha for the head of accounting. (he minor head of accounting was &eggy BeBois# with a desk at the head of the main accounting office in which there were rows of accountant desks. 2t the rear# south end of the ground f oor there was a arge vacant office. 3e used it to package a the sets of drawings for the 2bu Dhabi pro.ect when it was time for construction companies to bid on the .ob and they each got a set. (here were two packages to each set# each about five feet by one foot by si- inches. (here were a do/en or more construction companies getting a set each. (urner was one of the companies. 2rchitects are paid by their c ients 1! percent of the tota cost of construction.

$eading from the front e evator obby in the direction opposite reception# you entered the main conference room. I attended numerous presentations there by industry representatives hawking their products with e aborate s ideshows# and they a ways had an enormous tray of co dcuts# p us sodas# for free. It was a ways the younger .unior architects who most y came to these ta ks# because of the free food. item%%"8"? Ene day I was riding in the main e evator at (28 a ong with about 1! peop e and a young draftsman named Dennis Brady# standing kind of near me# said to me something offensive capped off with the appe ation# 0boy.0 $e knew I was a co ege grad and probab y that I was from out of town. I had never earned to fight and so I had to take it in si ence. 7o one in the e evator said anything. (hey a ooked around acting as if nothing had happened. I fe t I needed to focus everyone9s attention on this f agrant vio ation of civi conduct. 7ow# knowing <rank B oyd 3right had to fight to get ahead in architecture# I wou d say something back and start earning. item%%2142 2n architect who worked in the (28 construction supervision department# Bob 'wain# had a party at his apartment that I went to. It was attended most y by office boys# a ha f do/en of them. $e said then that he was ooking for a re ationshp# either a ma e or a fema e. (his was the first time I ever heard a friend say he was gay or bise-ua . item%%64"1 I bumped into 2nn =hodes in $arvard '+uare one day. 'he was the gir from 2 bertus >agnus 8o ege my Ca e roommate# John $utchings had introduced me to and doub e dated with# who had graduated summa cum aude. I found out 2nn was attending $arvard Baw 'choo . (his proved she had more socia wisdom than I had granted her# in my si y se f%motivated view. 3e arranged for a unch date. 2t the date# amidst the hubbub of $arvard '+uare and in a sma ow%profi e sandwich shop# we ta ked about our e-perience of seeking professiona ca ing. But I sti fe t I wasn9t making a connection and didn9t seek another date with her. I eft unch fee ing she was very different from other peop e I had met# more ster ing even than most Ca e students I knew. But I fe t I .ust wasn9t what she was ooking for# perhaps on y because I didn9t have the foggiest idea what that might be. item%%!123 I read somewhere about modern dance c asses he d at a church near (28 and decided to try them out. I had taken a master c ass from the &au (ay or dance company when I was a senior at Ca e. >y first teacher in 8ambridge%%the schoo 9s name was Dance 8irc e of Boston%%was 2nn (o bert# who had been in 2 win 7iko ais9s company. 'he took us carefu y through beginning warm%ups and I earned a ot about my body# which had been somno ent in these terms a my ife. In particu ar she had us ay on our backs with our feet toward our centers and knees up# and she had us raise our pe vises one vertebra at a time. 'he wa ked around the dance f oor he ping peop e. (he c asses I attended were he d right after I got off work. I wou d go to the church and enter the men9s room in the basement to change into tights and a tank top. (here was usua y on y one other ma e in the

c ass and a ot of gir s# which I en.oyed. In an improvi/ation c ass I took from 2nn there was a gir named 'andy. (he c ass did an improv in which we were a ying down on the f oor and I reached way into the air and offerred my hand to 'andy and she took it. 'he was a nice ooking gir . I ran into her in the subway in 'an <rancisco# discussed in segment 4500# item <3!?. (aking a further set of c asses and doing we # I was asked by 2nn to be one of four students to perform at a pub ic performance in a pub ic ibrary in a town nearby. I said yes. 3e rehearsed at Brandeis :niversity# where 2nn taught. 'he had us memori/e parts for one dance and that was what we rehearsed. (here were two gir s and another guy among us. 2nn drove us to rehearsa and she to d us that as a young dancer she and her friends found that they cou d eat yoghurt by shaking it up and drinking it. 'poons were a difficu t thing to get when you9re on the run. 3hen she drove us to the performance I sat with her in the front and because the ones in back said nothing it seemed as if 2nn and I were a one the who e time in the car. 3e warmed up in an ad.oining room to the performance space. 2s we went in some gent eman said to us# 0break a egI0 2t the performance we did an improvi/ation with each dancer adding a gesture one at a time. I made the ast gesture as it was a perfect one and the audience oohed and 2nn commented about my move# a s ight turn of my head. 3e took +uestions after the performance and I commented to someone that I fe t to rea y be a dancer you had to do choreography. It was a sophomoric idea. (hen they had a reception and we were in our dance c othes for it. I fe t we come. Before we eft the ibrary 2nn gave a the dancers a co orfu book about 7ico ai9s company. item%%05"D I was thinking I needed to pass on to a new teacher more advanced and asked 2nn to recommend one. 'he said I shou d take c asses from 8 aire >a ardi at $arvard. 8 aire was a rea character# and we % oved by her students. Ene c ass I deve oped a huge tear in the skin of one of my hee s. I didn9t stop dancing and there was another ha f of c ass eft. I asked 8 aire for a bandage when the c ass was over and she got one out of her things right there and he d it out to me frowning# as if it stinked# the idea of it that is. I te ephoned 8 aire in 1""2 from 8hicago and that is noted in segment 6000# item 231D. Ene of 8 aire9s students# 2rt Bridgeman# en isted me for a dance he created for the sidewa ks in the

center of $arvard '+uare. $e had to get approva from the 8ambridge po ice for it. (he group of us# about a do/en dancers# wa ked across the wa k when the ight was green and did various gimicks. Ene was to pass newspapers from the rear of the ine to the front where they wou d be p aced on the pavement to wa k on# unti a of us were on the opposite side. (he dance ended when a dancer drove up in a station wagon and we a pi ed in the back and drove off. 3e ce ebrated the dance by going to a restaurant and there 2rt had us a create motion sa utations. >ine was a grandiose waving of my hands. I wasn9t much of a creative choreographer. I a so took c asses from another teacher at the church# Dorothy $ershkowit/. 'he was known to ike ma e dance students. 'he had been in >erce 8unningham9s company. (he name of the schoo there at the church# Dance 8irc e of Boston# was kind of a misnomer since it on y operated in 8ambridge. Ene day in Dorothy9s c ass we did eaps and when I went to do them I had a moving fee ing of partnership with a crowd of accompanying fema e dancers a so eaping. 3hen we a came off the f oor a the gir s in the c ass oohed and ahhed me si ent y. Ene day in a dance c ass given by whom I don9t reca # he d in the basement# we were instructed for an improv to consider a particu ar spot on the f oor to be a p ace of e-treme energy. 'o as we danced around we danced with more ferver near that spot. But wou d we step on the spotF I did# and it was thri ing. 2nn was sitting on a tab e at the front of the room and saw me and ooked very deep y at me. 2 the time I knew 2nn she had a cast on her eg from an accident. I reca there being a professiona performance of a dance company somewhere and 2nn came out before the performance and introduced them# te ing some stories about 7iko ai 8ompany. >aybe the performance was by them. 3ith a the dance c asses I was taking my ife was as busy as that of a medica student. 1"64 02 2! 0 04 4? 02 segment 3"00 1"64 0" 2" 1 06 !1 34

item%%<;3" (he other ma e roommate in our cooperative apartment# =ick Bohn# was doing some work on the wa s. $e had scraped off the wa paper to revea the origina p aster# with embedded horse hairs. Detting the idea from him# I took up the task of doing the same in my bedroom. 3hen I got to the front cei ing I discovered that the bay there had been bui t with a two or three foot deep concea ed space. =ick suggested I revea this space and put in a oft to take advantage of the e-tra head room and eave a sha ow space for the bottom of the s eep space. I took up this pro.ect. I did a drawing of what the oft was to ook ike and =ick said it was a nice drawing. I bought wood% working too s and umber and bui t the oft. 3ith the oft in p ace there was now a need for a new ighting. I fe t capab e of doing the work mys ef and drew a wiring diagram# turned off power to the room# insta ed my ighting scheme# and turned the

power back on. <oo ish# and there probab y was a aw against construction of this magnitude without a permit. But fortunate y# the work was correct y designed and rea i/ed and when the power was turned on it worked perfect y. (here were two switches for the ight in the former y secret space# one in the secret space and one down0stairs.0 I had two different women in bed before I was .o ted by co apse when I was a one in the oft. (he nai s ho ding the p atform to one of the posts%%two 2-4s each%%came oose. I put in more sturdy construction then. item%%B5D! (here was a movie theater in 8ambridge ca ed the Erson 3e es 8inema. (he one movie I remember going to see there was La&rence of Ara ia. It was the most stirring movie I had ever seen. It ga vani/ed a the essons I had earned at Ca e about eadership and achievement# and spoke of the devotion of a person on the side ines to a vision at the center# and what he did with it. >y favortite part was Bawrence rescuing the man named Dassim from the p ace where he fe away from the main party of men on their way through the desert to 2+aba. $ere Bawrence showed he had contro over his own body on an individua effort against the preponderance of bad faith by the others. It remains my favortite movie to this day# though .//01 A #pace %dyssey is the easiest of a my favorite movies to watch. item%%B8D; I went to two different internationa fo k dance groups in 8ambridge. Ene# at the >I( student center# was on 'unday evenings. (he other# at the 8ambridge C382# was on <riday evenings. (he C382 group was for beginners and was a ot of teaching. It was ed by a married coup e# 8onnie and >aryann (ay or. 8onnie was a b ack man and >aryann was white. (hey were good teachers. >aryann was fu of verve and 8onnie was ow%key and dro . (heir daughter# 2ndrea# or 2ndy# was cute and a rea good dancer I found. I wou d have gone for her but she was very young and I didn9t reach that far into the popu ation then. I iked the C382 group because the beginners tended to be free of preconceived notions about dance. But I found most of the women stiff in the dances where we wou d go round the room and dance with everyone of the opposite se-. I was ooking for a good dancer to coup e with. ;ventua y I found Aiki Babcock# a very young gir # ear y twenties or ate teens# a seasoned dancer. 3e did coup e dances with her using no hands because she trusted me. It was very impressive. 3e did a itt e dating and I met her mother# a Derman ady. I worked on Aiki9s bike at her house. 3e stood in a 8ambridge transportation center one day for an hour waiting for a bus and danced together the who e time. 3e got a ong rea y great. I ta ked to her mother on the phone years ater and earned she had gotten married. (he ast dance of the eventing at the C382 was a ways a wa t/. Aiki and I wou d rush to each other when they announced it. (he >I( group was triba by comparison. It was big# fi ing the 'a a de &uerto =ico with dancers# about a hundred or more. (hey charged on y a +uarter. (here were e-ce ent dancers and a ot of fo ks who .ust en.oyed dancing. I oved it as a way to top off every weekend. I danced with a young gir in her twenties named Aaren 'ega and I asked her out# fee ing we wou d be good se- partners. 'he accepted# I took her to dinner at Coung and Cee9s 8hinese restaurant on 8hurch

'treet# and we had se- at her apartment. 2t first we sat on the f oor of her apartment and when I became aggressive she was de ighted and said she didn9t think I had it in me. $er vagina was dry and it was iritating# which destined the re ationship to a short duration. >aybe she .ust wasn9t ab e to switch gears fast to the more rapid pace she discovered with me. 2t Coung and Cee9s as we sat across from each other at a booth# I sudden y was inspired by our connection and reached out and cupped her head and e-c aimed# 0I have so much to te youI0 Aaren p ayed the f ute and we spent an afternoon p aying f ute%guitar duets on the 8ambridge 8ommon. It was most y effort. 7either one of us cou d sight read we . 'he was very outgoing and iked the idea of sitting out in pub ic and making something happen. Aaren was very thoughtfu toward me. 'he offerred me the use of her car# though I preferred not to impose and didn9t use it. Aaren to d me a itt e about a very important former re ationship in her ife with an o der man# most y .ust that he had a profound inf uence on her. 'he herse f was probab y in her ate twenties or ear y thirties. 'itting outside my apartment in Aaren9s car one day# I knew my roommate ; en 3eiss# with whom I was s eeping# wou d go ber/erk if I brought Aaren in# but I said what the he and invited her up. ; en went very definite y ber/erk and I had to reassure her. I stood Aaren up for a date once and that was pretty much it. I was .ust busy and ost touch with my fee ings for her. 'he was rea angry. I deserved it. Eur apartment went through a change of one roommate# ; i/abeth 3einberger being rep aced by 7ancy 'hippen. 3henever a member of our apartment foursome decided to eave the other three wou d p ace an ad for a roommate# of the right se- to preserve our two and two# in the two principa free newspapers in Boston# (he Boston &hoeni- and (he =ea &aper. 3e9d get a ot of rep ies. I had found the apartment from a notice they had p aced on a bu etin board in the $arvard graduate schoo housing# designed by 3a ter Dropius. (he three remaining roommates wou d interview ca ers one at a time# then wou d make a decision. (here were ususa y more than a do/en app icants interviewed. 8ambridge had a arge young professiona popu ation. 7ancy 'hippen was a dancer and went with me to >I( regu ar y. Ence she came pirouetting down the student center ha and it was very impressive and changed my opinion of her. 'he had a boyfriend named (ony and he came with us a few times. 3e a packed in someone9s itt e J3 bug and it was a good time. item%%5D"4 I was a regu ar fo k dancer in the Boston area and one night at home I got a te ephone ca from a dancer I knew to be a member of Boston9s top internationa fo k dance ensemb e# >anda a. 'he said I had been chosen to be invited to .oin the group. I knew that membership was on y offered to those who went through an audition competition so for them to offer it to me without an audition was a rea honor# at east in the fo k dance wor d.

I was not sure I wanted to .oin. 3ork was supposed to be my ca ing# to become an architect# and this wou d have been an added direction. (here was no sa ary. It was semi%professiona . But I knew it wou d be a great ride and said yes. (he ady said she was g ad I did. >anda a performed in the summer as a part of Boston9s 'ummerthing# and these were to be my first performances# a series of a do/en or so outdoor shows free to the pub ic# danced on a mobi e stage set up for each evening in a pub ic park or on a spacious street corner. >anda a9s core repertoire was a series of a do/en or so suites from various countries# with native costumes. (he suites I was assigned to dance in were the Ita ian# 2merican# Ba kan# and another I don9t reca . (he Ita ian was a coup e dance with two coup es. >y partner was named $eidi. (he 2merican was ca ed a cakewa k# a so a coup e dance but with about four coup es. >y partner9s name was 2bbey. (he Ba kan was the show%stopping fina e# a ine dance. (he rehearsa s# where I earned the dances# were he d in a studio in a church in 8ambridge. (here was a constitution to study and a business meeting before every rehearsa . (here were two or three or more rehearsa s a week. During the earning of the Ba kan dance# the 8opanit/a# which is a very comp icated dance# we were to d that during rehearsa and a so in performance never to stop dancing because another dancer stops dancing as the music continues. 'o during the first run%through of a who e segment of the dance# when another dancer in our ine of four ma e dancers# named >ark# forgot the steps and stopped dancing# I remebered the admonition and kept dancing through to the end. >ark resisted# so I dragged him a ong to the end of the segment. (hen ater during the same rehearsa # David 'kidmore# one of the topmost dancers in >anda a# who was present on y as a courtesy since he was on eave# invited me to do the dance with him a one. 3e went through it perfect y and at the end he smi ed at me and said thank you. >ark was the husband of $eidi# my partner in the Ita ian suite. 2nother rehearsa I was having troub e keeping up with the f ow of the rehearsa and when they ca ed me for one of the suites I wasn9t dressed yet# so I went into the dance studio with nothing on but my undershorts. 3hat a rouse this caused%% aughter and de ightI >any years ater when I met some >anda a members they to d me that it had become a custom that whenever a dancer had to rush into rehearsa semi%c othed it was ca ed 0doing a Batek.0 (he performance in Boston9s Ita ian neighborhood# Bitt e Ita y# was thri ing# ocated in a very popu ous street corner. Bitt e boys were trying to get under the stage before the performance and we shoed them out. Before each performance we a had a sandwich ordered by each dancer from ; sie9s De i in $arvard '+uare# 8ambridge. I iked the caviar and cream cheese. (he ast dance of the summer was in a park.

2t the intermission of this performance severa of us dancers went out into the crowd by the stage and taught dances. (here was a big wind and a ot of dust as the park was most y a dirt fie d and it was a weird scene trying to make it order y and en.oyab e. 2t the end of the show we were a given roses. I wa ked onto the empty stage and went to the downstage edge and tossed my rose into the crowd# to giant acco ades and cheers. 3hen I went back into the backstage area one of the gir s# the one who had ca ed me to invite me to .oin the troupe# said to my 2merican suite partner# 2bbey# 0did you see what he didF0 g eaming. 2bbey said yes# g eeming too. Bate that night when I got back home I found a rose sitting in a vase on the kitchen tab e. item%%51DD Ever the course of a year iving at 24 >e on 'treet in 8ambridge# >2# I got to know one of my roommates# ; en 3eiss# very we # most y from watching (J together. It was her set# ocated in the iving room. 'he was pointed about such things# and others. 2s ; en was a professor of architecture history at the Boston 2rchitectura 8enter# we wou d a so ta k a ot about architecture and my .ob at (28# about which she knew a great dea # and had severa friends among the architects there# inc uding Jeremy 3ood# a Ca e graduate. 3hen I first met ; en# on a trip to 8ambridge from 7ew $aven before I was picked to .oin the apartement on >e on# I immediate y had a fee ing we eventua y wou d have se- together. It did happen. Ene evening whi e we were watching (J I decided I wou d make my move. I wa ked over from my seat to her# ying on the couch# and simp y ay down on top of her# saying nothing. 'he said nothing either and took off her g asses. 3hen we had gotten +uire ready we moved into my bedroom and there in my bed had comp ete intercourse. It was supreme y e-citing. <or some reason we kept this deve opment from our two roommates# =ick and now 7ancy 'hippen# who had rep aced Bi/ 3einberger. 2 better idea# e-cept I was bothered by ; en9s continua state of unkemptness# wou d have been for ; en and I to move out into an apartment of our own. It sure y wou d have he ped my menta hea th and I probab y wou d not have had a menta breakdown# which I did ater have. 'e- with ; en became a c ose y guarded possibi i ty. 'he had a diaphram put in p ace# but I wasn9t aware of how significant fre+uent se- wou d have been and kept making se- on y an occasiona thing with us. 7ow# of course# there has arisen the matter of much younger gir s9 needs. I have earned that putting it off unti marriage# even kissing# can be an abso ute y better phi osophy. 'omeone in a fami y ine has to take the first step in this direction. But ; en and I did participate in it. 'he and I took trips in her car to her parents9 summer home on the is and of >artha9s Jineyard. :sua y we were a one but once her parents were there so I got a chance to prove myse f. :nfortunate y# and I did want to succeed here# I fai ed to prove anything. $er father# $arry# had been the highest unappointed officia in the (reasury Department of the :nited 'tates. $er mother was a so a high ranking officia there. 3ith a B.2. from Ca e in economics# as I did have# I might have seen my fate before me# but with a p an to become an architect no such thing happened. ; en reported to me afterward that her father had decreed after meeting me that I wasn9t aggressive enough.

2nyway# we made out when her parents weren9t there. 3e a so went biking a around the is and. Ence I# ; en# her mother# and some friends spent the day on the beach. <or some reason they wanted rain and I did a rain dance that they thought was cute. Ence ; en fi ed the car up with gas at a station and when we stopped somewhere e se on the is and she discovered the gas cap was sitting on the roof of the car a this time. 'itting on the ferry going to and from the is and# with the car aboard# was c assica y idy ic. Ence in bed in her bedroom on the is and ; en and I ta ked about meditation. I knew itt e about it but infinite y more than she did# mathematica y speaking# so I tried to re ate to her what it was ike .ust by trying to make a sympathetic ink between us as I went into a iight meditative state. (here wasn9t anything I cou d say about it e-p icit y. Just before getting into bed then# as I undressed her# the mundanity of her bra/ier bothered me. I kind of e-pected my women to be fri y. I didn9t say anything. Back in 8ambridge and Boston# ; en took me to a dance at the Boston 2rchitectura 8enter# where she taught. 3e danced together in the midst of a the students and I didn9t know whether to act cocky for being a professor9s date# or miserab e for dating an o der woman. ; en was rather short and had arge breasts and a norma woman9s hips and egs. 'he wore a short skirt a ot and wasn9t a fancy dresser# as I pointed out about her bra/ier on the is and. $er hair was auburn and she wore it pretty ong# usua y up# though once she had it cut fair y short. It seemed as if it was dirty a the time# and when it was ong and up it was never we coutoured and ooked a mess. (he emphasis she p aced on verba sassyness detracted from her fema e thrust# which one cou d te was +uite forcefu # if one ooked with due gravity at her. In bed# there was no such obscurity about her traits and desire. item%%1?"2 I watched a movie based on ;ng ish history with ; en and it stimu ated my interest in ;uropean history. 2s a conse+uence I bought A +(story of the Modern World by &a mer and 8o ton and en.oyed it +uiet a bit. ;ver since then my sense of the importance of history has been noteworthy# and probab y was notab y weak before then. item%%632? 2t work at (he 2rchitects 8o aborative I was assigned as office boy to the team producing the p ans for two hospita s in the :nited 2rab ;mirates# one in 2bu Dhabi and another in 2 2in. (his assignment was a p um because it probab y wou d entai some work as a draftsman. It was part of a dea that gave the .ob of head of the office boys to =oger# who had seniority over me. (he points cha ked up in this head .ob were very trans atab e into a fu time drafting .ob# though that never happened. Ene of the things I did for the 2bu Dhabi team was as a team with draftsman Jeff <eingo d. 3e bui t a mode of the two water towers for the mode taking shape in the office. I hit on the idea of making the towers out of assemb ed sheets of styrofoam board# each piece a different conic section which I constructed geometrica y. It worked out perfect y but I don9t think anyone rea i/ed how c ever it was. I

a so wasn9t recogni/ed for my supervision of Jeff# who was a good sport. 'ome of the other architects on the team were) &eter >orton# partnerM =a ph >ontgomery# associateM Bob (urner# associateM $ovannes Donabedian# captainM Bob Aennedy# captainM 'oren =ono# head of housingM <red Barson# e+uipmentM 'teven >ene o# Bi $iggins# 'ophia &rofessorsky# Barbara Johnson# Jichai (an# Dae >inh# $erman 2u# and ;kong ;tuk. (he secretary was Beth Beighton. =a ph was the g ue of the team# very sharp but very overworked so it obscured his sharpness. Bob (urner rare y said anything# at east that I heard. $ovannes was strong y 2rmenian ethnic and va uab e because he spoke 2rabic# the anguage where the hospita s were to be bui t. $e praised a drawing of mine I set out for everyone to see# though I was a canniba i/er of my work and didn9t ike this one. Bob Aennedy was a womani/er and very personab e with a ot of humaneness. $e drove a 8orvette and rode a 'chwinn &aramount bicyc e. 'oren# a Dane# was a good eader with a nice sense of humor. $e created a series of hi arious cartoons of ducks that represented a the various types of architectura ducts%%ducks and ducts# get itF $e and his wife# a so an architect# had the team out to visit their home once. <red was a typica mature man. 'teven to d me that <rank B oyd 3right had designed the ha ways in his houses intentiona y narrow so as to increase the drama of emerging into a room. $e a so to d me that to earn architecture I shou d start out by .ust drawing a ot of ines. I didn9t know what he was ta king about. Bi was a young and ta ented architect with organi/ation on his mind. $e2f mounted a who e wa covered with tickets having to do with some ogistica aspect of the pro.ect. 'ophia was an Israe i# I be ieve# very feminine. Barbara was very affectionate to everyone. 'he was married to another (28 architect# Ano- Johnson. Jichai was a businessman. Dae ooked and acted ike a master martia artist. $erman was warm and a ways friend y with the office boys. ;kong was from 7igeria# and a good friend. Beth was a ways out of breath and bui ding a higher p ace in her mind. 'he was devoted to serving =a ph and kept a c ose friendship with 'aretta 3inneg# who had been 3a ter Dropius9s persona secretary. item%%;2D! Ene 'aturday the 2bu Dhabi team a went out to the home of 3a ter# then deceased# and Ise Dropius in Binco n# >2# designed by Dropius. I went with. 2fter showing us around the grounds and house Ise sat down in her den and fie ded +uestions from a of us gathered around her. 'he was gratious. 2s we were eaving after the +uestions Ise stopped me in the dark ha way and asked me my name. I said James. 'he said I didn9t seem ike a James. I seemed ike a &hi ip. I was veering off into menta i ness at the time and the mention of &hi ip immediate y summoned up the reference to &hi ip of >acedonia# father to 2 e-ander the Dreat. I thought she was te ing me I was the incarnation of either &hi ip or 2 e-ander. Back in the car I got e-cited with the sudden idea I had of staying with Ise for the rest of the weekend. I voiced this idea to ; en 3eiss# our driver# who had a so come. 'he said I shou d definite y go and ask if I cou d do it. ; en and I had been re ating se-ua y for some time. I went back to the front door where Ise was standing ta king to Barbara Johnson and one or two others as the group was breaking up. I asked Ise my +uestion e-cited y. 'he immediate y a owed me to fee that it was ok to suggest this. 'he to d me she didn9t have the supp ies on hand to entertain a guest. 'he was caught up in the energy of my suggestion and though I was terrib y disappointed I was a so g ad ; en had urged me to ask it. 2s of this writing in 2013 I have pending in the courts a re+uest to change my name to Ise 2 e-andra

Batek. >y driver9s icense says fema e. I don9t take hormones now but I might. item%%4212 2t some point I started to fee the oss of s eep from a my activities outside work and began to show up ate to work. &atrick# the head of office services# had a word with me about it. I guess I managed to change my habit because he never said anything more about it# a though at some point I had my nervous breakdown and the ateness matter became sma change. item%%05<? 2t the rather important event of my being given some drafting to do on the 2bu Dhabi pro.ect# I +uick y brought a ong with me the trappings of my novice comfort# name y coffee. (he drawings I was assigned were structura ones for the housing segment# with re%bars to be indicated. (here were some ye ow trace origina s I was to redraw on my ar as a finished stage. I set my coffee on the draftingboard# one of the regu ar tab es in the housing sector of the office# and ignored the ha/ard in it# setting to work in earnest. & op. Down went the cup under my ine-perienced hand and arm. 2 over the drawings. 'oren =ono# head of housing sector# was impassive. Inside he must have been comp ete y turned off to my continued rise to prominence in the office. 3hen u timate y I finished the drawings there were words of appreciation# as if nothing wrong had happened. In my sou I sensed different y. item%%6538 Ene day I casua y mentioned something about Bes ie 2coca# a gir I knew at Ca e# and &atrick $icko-# head of office services# was nearby and heard me and gave me a rea y condescending ook and asked something to the effect of 0how the he did the ikes of you ever meet Bes ie 2cocaF0 I discuss my meeting her at Ca e in segment 3500# item id 23<?. item%%1822 I attended a party in Boston for ower eve # very young aspiring architects and did a trick for a group. I ay on the f oor and moaned. I earned it at a modern dance c ass. It was rea y spookey. 3hen I was done I sat up and beamed at the peop e in the room. It was u timate y a di ettante9s fare. Eut on the roof a group was taking in the sights. Ene of them was 8 aire Be>esseurier. I knew she was the daughter of the dean of the >I( schoo of architecture and I made every effort to think of some way to impress her# wanting to go to >I(. But it was a sham. I was swamped in the vaunting ambition# without .ustification# that soon became menta i ness. item%%62<6 (he son# by the name of Jean &au # of a contractor came onto the team of 2bu Dhabi hospita architects for the summer and I fe t vio ated as the team apprentice. I had not given the appropriate weight to work in my thoughts and had no good response# particu ar y when he started to order me to do something. 8onse+uent y# I started a dec ine into menta i ness over the course of a week or so. (he fina state in which I was unab e to speak asted three days in which I wandered witout s eep or food or e imination# whi e deve oping a coup e of paranoid fantasies which I was certain were true and proved that norma thinking was in error. I a ternated thinking I was destined for initiation or torture. I a so thought my every thought impe ed me on one ot the other path. Initiation promised se- with anyone I wanted it with.

I ended up wandering the ha s at >I( and someone must have comp ained to the >I( po ice# who took me into their station then got me to 8ambridge $ospita 9s psych unit. (here they gave me a shot of something and sent me to D enside &sychiatric $ospita in Jamaica & ain. 2t D enside I woke up free of psychosis but it took a few minutes to rea i/e I had .ust been through a ife%changing e-perience attested to by rude y odd surroundings. I was on (hora/ine. It took a whi e before I came to be aware of how soporific it was a day ong. I received two visitors) ; en 3eiss# who was upbeat but more or ess showed it was on y a good co ege try# and =on 2nastasia# who had a summer sub% et of the apartement above ours with his wife# 'usan 'ecord. =on was studying consciousness at $arvard and had to d me about initiation# the idea that proved centra to my psychosis. $e brought a book for me about some menta hospita that operated on the princip e that the menta y i .ust needed a safe p ace to ive through their psychoses# and no medication. I stayed at D enside for ten days# then returned to work. item%%466< In conference with my physician at the $arvard $ea th & an# Dr. Anaster# the doctor ooked at me with sophomoric know edge and said we shou d meet regu ar y to ta k about my menta i ness. I said# ok# how about once every three months. $e aughed at this. $e viewed the i ness as an e-cuse to te me what he thought of me. (his wou d become a recurring pattern with workers in the menta hea th industry. I don9t reca any further meetings with Dr. Anaster. item%%B<34 Just after I went menta y i I took a short vacation to go back to D en ; yn and visit my mother for so ace. (he (hora/ine was rea y weighting me down and I ooked out at the 'outh $arvard '+uare area outside the trave bureau office with a disma view of the future# facing so much viscera impediment for evident y the rest of my ife. En the subway train to Bogan 2irport there was a power outage. I had my guitar with me and took it out and p ayed for the captive audience. (he car was .ust about fu . 3e didn9t know how ong the outage wou d ast. I did my best to e-press a ack of concern about the manifest inconvenience everyone must have been fee ing. In D en ; yn my mother did her mother thing# but it came up a rea disappointment to me when we were sitting outside on the swing under the garage door opening. 3e weren9t saying much and I said# 0Ehhh%%I9ve seen so muchI0 'he got uppity and e-horted me to do as she did in the mi itary during the war when things got tough. I was not comp aining. 'he took it I was and rea y be itt ed me. item%%D6?B 3ith (hora/ine now keeping me s uggish a day I needed a break any way I cou d get one. I had two socia invitations from architects at (28. Ene was from =obert 'wain# the bise-ua . $e took me sai ing on his catamaran on 8ape 8od. I guess gays ike to take their +uarries on car drives in convertib es. $e drove a convertib e sports car. (he sai ing was unremarkab e. I ay on the boat ike a piece of furniture. $e worked the boat. I was not ooking for a ma e over. (he on y good thing about it was the hot sun.

En the way back we stopped at a high schoo (28 had designed and >r. 'wain inspected the wooken f ooring in the gymnasium. (he f oor had buck ed bad y. (he other socia invitation was from James B ock# an architect on the 2bu Dhabi team. $e was bui ding himse f a house in $u # >2. It was his design. I was his guest at the construction site for a day. I didn9t offer to he p out and .ust sat at a picnic tab e a day. In the evening we p ayed a ong game of chess and he won. $e cooked hamburgers or something for us. (hen he continued to work into the night. It was a good break for me but my mind was not spry enough# with the medication I was taking# to get much out of it. item%%8D00 (he apartment where I was iving had ost two of its members# 7ancy and John. John# ast name $o den# had rep aced =ick Bohn. ; en and I didn9t get rep acements and this eft us a one# but I was a use ess hu from menta i ness. Ene night ; en and I s ept together on the f oor in the arge bedroom John had occupied and she commented that my se- act wasn9t ike what it used to be. 'oon after that I moved out# into a house at 3! Bake Jiew in 8ambridge# in the top f oor with two $arvard students# Aen Bo in# a medica student and $arvard 8o ege a umnus# and Barry Do dstein# a $arvard 8o ege student. (he house was owned and ived in by a >rs. 8hurchi # who was e der y. I paid G!0 a month in rent. (here was no kitchen. 3e used a hotp ate and washed the dishes in the bathtub. >y room had been occupied at one time by James 3atson# one of the discoverers of the structure of D72# when he was a student. Aen and Barry were very congenia with me. 3hen I started to have re apses of menta i ness and was on new medication Barry p ayed his guitar for me and made me fee comforted. Aen made a trip to see me at D enside &sychiatric $ospita when I had to go back there. >y father came at the same time and they met. Aen was engaged to a nurse at the hospita where he worked. $e described an incident he had on a bus# being surrounded by five beautifu gir s who gigg ed f attering y at the sight of him. $e described his graduation from high schoo in Bivonia# >I# in which he got .ust about every award given. Barry was from 8hicago%%'kokie I be ieve. I had a birthday party at the apartment for a number of friends# inc uding ; en 3eiss# my former overM 'y via Di man# a (28 secretary with a degree from Jassar who was an artist and had i ustrated a chi dren9s book about the Boston &ops Erchestra# and a cute gir I had met at a pub ic ibrary in 'omervi e where she was painting an enormous mura . I stayed up a night once being tota y psychotic despite medication. I figured out that praying was not going to he p me. I wa ked to work through an area of mansions on Bratt e 'treet. I was a fish that had eft his ocean. 1"64 0" 2" 1 06 !1 34 segment 4000 1"6! 0! 04 0 10 !! 06

item%%!26< 2fter I became menta y i I was taking (hora/ine and because of the s eepiness it caused me a day I

was bare y ab e to work. (he team secretary# Beth Beighton# got angry with me because of this but =a ph >ontgomery# one of the two team eaders# to d her to set me up with a p ace I cou d set my head down and rest between my runs between the team office and the office services office. Bife after that was a waste# unti I rebe ed and went off medication# forcing a crisis. 1"6! 0! 04 0 10 !! 06 segment 4100 1"6! 12 06 0 01 !? 3"

item%%B10? 2bout summertime of 1"6!# after about a year of taking (hora/ine for menta i ness# I was fee ing pressure in my p ans for iving at east an undiscomfitted ife and certain y faced some e-traordinary pressures on my ambitions to surpass a e-pectations of my ife by others. 'o a things considered# there was no way I wou d continue taking the medication. 'topping was .ust ess comp icated than confronting the menta hea th industry direct y. 'o I stopped. I forget if I had any sessions with my doctor# Dr. Anaster# who was a genera practicioner# after stopping# but somehow I doubt it. It wou d have been painfu and I wou d remember that. $ad I not stopped I wou d be taking (hora/ine today# most ike y. (hey don9t ike to e-periment un ess there9s more of a reason than patient comp aints# which are never as e-pert as doctor rationa i/ations. 'uch a ife wou d have been so tragic I cannot imagine it. Ef course I re apsed within a few weeks or so# maybe months# and that started a cyc e of going into and out of D enside &sychiatric $ospita %%three times in%%over a coup e of months. 2fter that it occurred to me I might ca it +uits with architecture# at east for the present# and that meant fami y nurturing wou d need to be invoked# a rea +uestionab e idea since they had sent me out into the wor d once# after high schoo # and must have considered my transition to adu thood over and done with. But I was in a corner and so that9s what I decided to do. I ca ed my mother first and she was wi ing to take me in. >aybe there was some process going on in the abstract that ed me to go instead to ive with my father# who on earning of my p an to stay with my mother got e-treme y angry with me. $earing his anger# one thing was certain# he wasn9t trying to avoid at a costs any responsibi ity for my fortunes. En that s im assurance I said# ok# I9 come to ive with you%%my father. 2nd so I did. 1"6! 12 06 0 01 !? 3" segment 4200 1"65 06 10 1 0! 02 11

item%%1<34 Ene conversation I had with my father consisted of him mentioning something that happened with me in the past# and saying to me# 0you don9t remember that# do youF0 It was something I definite y remembered so I was a erted that my father had an erroneous concept of what I was doing going through ife. item%%2"B" I don9t know where or how I got it but I obtained a copy of &aramahansa Cogananda9s 2utobiography of a Cogi# which I had been wanting to read for some number of years. It so happened that as I was reading it I was having psychotic incidents and my father decided the book was causing the incidents and took it away from me. I ignored him and finished it. (wo incidents in the book stuck with me. Ene was the moment that Cogananda saw his master# 'ri Cukteswar# for the first time# on a busy street way far away# and knew he wou d become his master though he had never seen him before.

(he other was the occasion of Cogananda preparing himse f to come into the presence of a noted fema e spiritua person. $e was on his way up some steps indoors as he did this. $e stopped and began meditating. item%%2264 Ene evening my father and I were sitting on his porch taking in a coo bree/e. $e said to me a of a sudden# 0Cour friend Darry Bruack%%he9s dead.0 I knew enough about Darry 9s history of catharsis to understand that this was not une-pected# regard ess of the cause. I fe t no comment from me was necessary e-cept some sort of memoria # so I said I oved him and shed a itt e tear. I didn9t think my father wou d take it too deep y# but maybe I was mistaken# considering his behavior at the interment of his father in Bohemian 7ationa 8emetary in 1""2# as discussed in segment 5?00 item id !;01. If my father thought I cared more for Darry than for my grandfather because I cried at news of Darry 9s death but didn9t cry at my grandfather9s interment# added b ack ist severity cou d have come of it. item%%<;?2 2 friend of my father who worked for the government to d him that I cou d app y for 'ocia 'ecurity Disabi ity Income or 'upp ementa 'ecurity Income# because of my menta i ness disabi ity. 3e did so and it was accepted# so I started to get a check every month. $owever# I never saw any of the money because my father was my payee and hand ed it a without informing me of how he spent it. $e did show me# or rea y .ust f ashed it past my eyes# his edger record of how he was using it. $e had a history of being both tight with hand%outs to me and not open with his hand ing of my finances. 3hether the coup e thousand do ars he eft me on his death was a proper amount# and whether my other sib ings got the same amount# I have no idea. In any case# I have received 'ocia 'ecurity income on and off since then. I current y# as of this writing# do receive it. item%%!?1< 'eeking some verification that my father is a racist# I say to him# 0Cou think Jews are ug y# don9t youF0 $e surprises me by saying# 0oh# some Jews are beautifu .0 $e says this with a tone of voice that revea s a good dea more persona depth than I had given him credit for. item%%"0<" Biving with my father# despite my medication# I was having periodic psychotic episodes. I was in one in which I went outside with on y my undershorts on. I got as far as an a ey across the street when my father9s father# James Jacob Batek# found me. I cou dn9t be ieve his remark# which was that I shou d +uick get inside because I cou d catch co d. $e comp ete y ignored# or didn9t see# the psychotic aspect of it. In another psychotic event# I went outside and was wa king around on the neighbor9s property. I went up to a bui ding where there were some peop e I cou d hear inside. (hey came to the door and I said# 0I am you.0 (hen a po iceman appeared behind me with his gun pointed at my head# thrust me against the wa # put me in handcuffs# put me in the s+uadcar where his partner was# and we drove off. I asked# 03hat9s the chargeF0 (hey said# breaking and entering and burg ary. I said# 0I didn9t break in and I didn9t take anything.0 (hey took me to the station and ocked me up.

(he first day I was in the waiting ce . (hen they apparent y found out who I was and that I was menta y i and put me in the psych ce s. I was ok for the first few days but I did some pushups and that made me psychotic and everything after that was scary. (he psych ce s had a coup e of others who must have been there for a ong time. (heir conversation was very fami iar with each other. (hey used a can to heat water for coffee. I don9t know how they got a f ame. En the fifth day my father9s mother# >arie 'mach Batek# bai ed me out and I went home with her. item%%D23? ;vident y I kept acting up and they took me to the &ine as 8ounty >enta $ea th 8enter to stay. I was sti facing charges. (he first ward I was in was a ock%up. 3hen a gir came in I had a psychotic thought she was there for my se-ua p easure. I got rea y e-cited. 2 kinds of things ike that happened. <ina y# I must have ca med down and they transferred me to a more stab e ward. En the stab e ward it was very co/y. (hey served snacks every night that were unmonitored on a cart. (he minister from my church# Dona d ;ckert# came to visit me. $e asked me if I knew why he was wearing two watches. I said it must be because he thought I was schi/ophrenic and he wanted me to have two watches to read on him for my two persona ities. $e said no# that wasn9t why. I don9t reca what he said the reason was. (hen he accompanied to my bedroom where I ay down on my bed and he offerred to say a prayer for me and I accepted. It was a barn%burner. (hat sett ed my mind for a whi e. (hey were doing something with me as I sat on a chair in the ha and gave me a g ass of water to drink and I eaned back and poured it on my head. (hey a aughed. 3hen they were discussing my case someone said I wou d be going to 8hattahoochee. 'omeone e se said I wasn9t ready for 8hatahoochee. I had to go somewhere other than home because of the charges pending. 8hattahoochee was apparent y a hard p ace. <ina y they took me to the state menta hospita # D. &ierce 3oods >emoria in 2rcadia# <B. item%%621D In my first two weeks at D. &ierce 3oods >emoria $ospita I was on the ock%up ward. (his was for peop e who hadn9t reached the stage of order iness a owing ess confinement. & us I was not we myse f# so it was +uite a he . I was uncomfortab e constant y. (he residents were bruta to each other. 'omeone sto e my watch# I reported it# and they did a search of everyone in a ine. I doubted they wou d find it but they did. It was in someone9s shirt pocket. (he guy who had it had worked his way into my confidence by te ing me after I said I was from 8hicago that he was from there too. (hese were peop e I wou dn9t give two seconds of my time to norma y. 2nd they were probab y a regu ar Joes when they were not i . I had an odd concept in mind and intentiona y fe down f at backwards onto the f oor# hitting my head of course. (hen I did this again twice. (he staff dragged me away and put me in a room on a cot in

restraints for an hour and I didn9t do any more of that. 3e ate in a arge dining ha for a the residents# under carefu monitor in our case. It was the on y p easure of the day. Back on the ward# one of the residents was physica y attacked by another and had no sense of how to defend himse f and put his hands way out in front of himse f and .ust approached the guy# a gesture more than an act# and I rea y fe t for him. I didn9t know how to fist fight myse f either. 3e a went out into a courtyard and p ayed basketba . I was psychotic and groped around for the ba and got shoved around merci ess y in response. (here were a ot of ta big b ack men on the unit and their p ay was way beyond me. I went into a room a one once and did ten push%ups. (hen I went and to d someone I had done ten push% ups and they asked me if it was easy and I said yes and they said# 0then why are you so proud of itF0 I had a casua friendship with a young b ack fe ow named 3i bur. I think his ast name was 3ood. I was psychotic and stood in front of him and stooped to match heights for some ungod y reason. $e ye ed at me to cut that shit out. I had a deranged thought that recurred of the statement# 03i bur wou d. 3ou d youF0 It was about this fe ow. >y doctor at some point put me on >e ari and I started to improve and they transferred me to an open unit. >y doctor9s surname was 8assidy. $e wou d ask me open%handed y to ref ect on a that had happened to me# which was very he pfu since it wasn9t your standard concept of therapy. $e was a ta fe ow. >y father# though I9m not sure if he ever met Dr. 8assidy# fe t very strong y that he was the first doctor to rea y he p me. I had my guitar with me and I tried to practice regu ar y. It he ped my spirits. (here was a fe ow in my room who was terrib y pock%marked and ug y. 3hen he to d me he had a daughter I earned something about how anyone you think wou dn9t be ab e to attract a mate might very we # and have chi dren too. (his fe ow wou d sit on his bed and mutter how he had made big mistakes# and say it over and over again. $e was a curious fe ow. 1"65 06 10 1 0! 02 11 segment 4300 1"66 02 12 0 0? 0! 44

item%%184! (here were two regu ar features of ife at 3oods after I got to the open unit. Ene was the week y dance# he d in a arge gym# and the other was the patient abor program# in which I tutored two patients. (he dances were popu ar. I met a gir named 2nn Bowe who became my partner at every dance. ' ow dancing was inc uded so this was a great opportunity for a itt e fema e action. 2nn was good ooking. 3e wou d wa k among a the patients eaving the dance and then we wou d say goodbye unti the ne-t week. (here was one patient who danced wi d y a by himse f and I thought he was gay. I didn9t want to abor under fa se assumptions so I said to him# 0I was thinking you9re gay but you9re not# are youF0 $e said

he was. I had a bad opinion of gays so I thought ess of him then. I did some running outside during free time# going a regu ar route around a arge bui ding. It took a ot of wi and I was aware that I was in a dire condition compared to my ath eticism before menta i ness# but I did what I cou d. (he other regu ar feature# patient abor# was good for me too. Ene of my students was a gir named 'andy. 'he was very s ow but worked hard. (he other student was a boy. I forget his name. $e was fervent y eager to p ease me by his efforts# which were chaotic and e icited a sort of se f%f age ation from him. I taught them reading and arithmetic. 3e used a sma office in one of the office bui dings. 3hi e waiting for one of my students to arrive one day I ooked over a te-tbook on ogic that happened to be sitting there. It seemed to me that there was a better way to organi/e rhetoric that the one they gave so with enormous effort# given my medication that caused me to be s eepy a day# wrote down my system# which gave me much p easure to see in writing. (hey had a ta ent contest and I entered with my guitar p aying. 3e had a big audience in the gym and I gave it a I had# with the microphone stuck in the body of the guitar. I got a few c aps. Ene of the patients in my unit# <red Duesbury# prided himse f on his ta ent scout abi ities and praised to no end a patient who had performed on the drums. I hoped he wou d say something positive about me but he was of no inc ination to do so. (here was another patient on my ward who was a very professiona popuar singer and he serenaded a coup e of us e-pert y. I went to the weight room once and from a bench ifted a moderate weight from above my head in the body reference to above my head in the earth reference and a chi d patient there raved about it. I didn9t see anything e-ceptiona in it. (his chi d was someone who was usua y socia i/ing we outside my range and for that reason I took his remark wtih p easure. I happened to pay a visit to the office of two psycho ogists# a man and a woman. I had been thinking about my future and I chose this occasion to announce that I wanted to return to schoo and get a second bache or9s and doctorate in mathematics. (hey were most encouraging in their response and it he ped to earmark my announcement in my mind# particu ar y in that difficu t environment# which perhaps was essentia in keeping me on track after that to actua y get to graduate schoo # though in astronomy instead of mathematics# and not u timate y successfu y# e-cept for the second bache or9s# in physics intead of mathematics. 2 together I spent three months at 3oods# asting throughout the summer. item%%1!4< 3hen I got home from 3oods $ospita I app ied to the :niversity of 'outh < orida for a second bache or9s degree in mathematics and was accepted. :'< is in (ampa# which is right by 't. &etersburg# which is right by 't. &ete Beach# where my father and his parents ived. item%%2D64 'choo didn9t start unti January of 1"66 so in the interim I attended c asses in computer programming# specifica y <ortran# at the &ine as 8ounty 'cience 8enter. >y grandmother was most generous in

driving me to and from the c asses. I don9t know what she did during c ass# maybe return home. @@item%%3<5< 1"66 01 to 1"6? 05 2ttended the :niversity of 'outh < orida in (ampa# <B. for five +uarters pursuing a second bache or9s degree. Began with a ma.or in mathematics# but decided to become an astronomer instead of a mathematician and changed to a physics ma.or as that is the proper preparation for graduate work in astronomy. Began with something ike a B9s and ended with a 29s. (he first summer I spent working again at <ermi ab in Batavia# IB. (he second summer I began working at <ermi ab but got a ate acceptance# a few weeks into the summer# of my app ication for work at 72'2 in >ountain Jiew# 82. and chose to take that .ob# as it was c oser to my fie d of astronomy than high energy physics# the work done at <ermi ab. Ence in 8a ifornia# my roommate from Ca e second year# Jonathon <rederick <atu a# took me to see the :niversity of 8a ifornia at 'anta 8ru/# nest ed in the redwoods# and convinced me to app y there. I did and they accepted me so I transferred there from :'< and didn9t return to < orida. item%%2022 (he dorm where I ived as a :'< student was a private y owned faci ity named <ontana $a . It was ocated at 4200 ;ast < etcher 2venue# where one of the campus streets# 7orth &a m Drive# e-ited the campus. <ontana was a ta bui ding# perhaps fifteen f oors or more. (he dining ha was in a separate bui ding and there was an outdoor swimming poo between dorm and dining ha . (he dorm%poo %dining ha a-is was ;ast%3est# and the dorm was on the ;ast side# so <ontana wou d have been 7orth of campus. item%%26!5 >y first roommate was =ay 2 bury# a fair y ta # b ondish guy who p ayed guitar and was a ways nice to me# but not particu ar y a good buddy. >y friends on the f oor were 7orman <rank in# 8raig Brandt# ;ddie Dares# >e # and >ark <ountain. I was taking >e ari so I was pudgy and s ow and so I had no gir friends. item%%16"D 8raig so d me his c arinet. $e asked what I wou d pay and I immediate y offerred G100# which I knew was more than generous# and he took it. I had so d my origina c arined when I was a student at Ca e and got on y about G20. It was about G120 new. It turned out I rare y p ayed 8raig9s c arinet# so it was a bad investment# fortunate y one of my few at the time. item%%2886 ;ddie iked to have pi//a with me. $e wou d come into my room and say e-cited y# 0&i//aF0 (hen we9d order for it to be de ivered by Dominos. $e was an over.oyed kind of person. (a ked in a rush of .ubi ance. $is father# a doctor# to d him he wou d buy him a car for some occasion# maybe it was graduation# and ;ddie got to pick the car make. I think he sett ed on a (oyota 8e ica# which was sporty. $e drove me back to my father9s p ace in 't. &ete Beach once in it. item%%!B0" >e was a sort of soft%edged affab e guy# part of our group of friends on the f oor. item%%235! >ark <ountain was a red%haired guy with measured movements. $e turned out to be a straight 2 student. $e iked the movies and got a .ob as an usher at a nearby theater. I went there to see 'tar 3ars

nine times. >ark was a very we %mannered guy# very ikab e. $e showed up ater in &asadena# 82 either when I was working at the 8a tech radio astronomy department for the summer in 1"?0 or when I was working at $a e Ebservatories for the summer of 1"6"# .ust to visit me during a iesure trip he was making around the country. (hat was very nice of him. $e graduated summa cum aude from :'<. item%%2D1" 7orman <rank in was notorious for being a strong persona ity. 'ome peop e took to him# others didn9t. $e iked me a ot and I took up a friendship with him. I was a student of the guitar at the time and found a guitar teacher# possib y through 7orman# and 7orman vo unteered to drive me to the teacher9s house regu ar y for essons. It turned out the guy on y taught .a// guitar and I was into c assica . 'ti # it was essons# so I agreed to it and tried to earn what he had to teach. It was a waste. 2nother bad investment. 7orman and I were p anning to room together in the :'< dorms for my ast year there# but I transfered to :8'8 and didn9t return to :'<. item%%4D"6 (he guys in <ontana $a who were friends of mine knew a gir named Brenda# and many of them spoke to great desire of her. 3hen Brenda found out I spoke <rench she invited me to go to a p ay in <rench on campus and we went and had a good time# trying to speak in <rench as much as we cou d. item%%054; I went to see a performance of Johann 'trauss II9s Die Fledermaus at the :'< theater. =ea y good fun and music. item%%!<05 I went to see a performance of 'tephen 'ondheim9s 2 Bitt e 7ight >usic at the :'< theater. It9s signature number# 'end in the 8 owns# which I had never heard before# struck my heart and after the performance I went backstage to see if I cou d meet the ady who had sung it. 2 kinds of unreasonab e romantic notions about what might occur between us ed to nothing when I wasn9t ab e to find her. 2 more reasonab e notion might have ed me to keep ooking onger for her. I had a thing about the song after this. Ene of those tunes you go into heaven over. >y menta i ness and its medication had made my rea romantic a ternatives a terrib e strugg e and this on y f amed my romantic imagination. item%%6B30 I heard about someone organi/ing a fo k dance c ass to be he d in a mote or something near <ontana $a farther 7orth on 7orth 42nd 'treet# on the 3est side# and I went to it. (he guy eading it was named =io ando# with a nick%name of 0the dancing count.0 2pparent y there was some number of peop e who viewed him to be of nob e b ood. (here were on y about si- students and =io had an evident mass appea that went far beyond this group. $e was not choosey and instructed us with verve. 2t one point he asked us to perform with him and we a agreed to do it. 3e rehearsed at another oction and did one performance that was at an internationa dinner at :'<. 3e were a scared to death and very nervous and had a hard time smi ing# most notab y =io himse f# who strugg ed through it brave y. I had no easy time a so. 3e danced on some sort of e evated surface# possib y tab es# that passed among the assemb ed audience. (here were many groups that performed that night.

=io had an affair with one of the gir s in our group. 3e spent one wi d night ferrying in =io9s car between <ontana $a # =io9s p ace# and a rehearsa space somewhere who knows where. I fe t over%e-tended throughout the night. item%%;526 (here was a >ormon 8hurch across the street from <ontana $a and I went over once to try it out. (hey were very thoughtfu peop e and I went for a whi e regu ar y. (here was a first%timers esson given to me by two young men. (hey had the tit e of 0e der.0 It was an e-treme y simp istic presentation and they persona y bought every bit of it. 2 young gir named Betty became my friend there. 'he took me to <ami y $ome ;vening for the young peop e of the church. 'he had a thing about a particu ar shade of the co or red and her car had ots of things of that co or in it. (he meeting was in another gir 9s home. (hey a en.oyed thinking of themse ves as both hip and re igious. (hey were very chaste. I was ama/ed at the otherwor d iness of the >ormon message. (he story about Joseph 'mith finding in his back yard a tab et with inscrutab e inscriptions that he visionari y trans ated into ;ng ish seemed to ca for ong%term investigation and consideration. I thought it might be e-p ained by f ying saucers and an artifact fa ing out of the door accidenta y. Bater when I came to write things that had nothing to do with ;ng ish I happened to think that the >ormon tab et might have been written by someone ike me and discarded random y# ike I did with some of my things. item%%1D2; John 8age made an appearance at the :'< theater which I attended. Before the event I went out to ay on the grass and there was >r. 8age and a coup e of :'< peop e keeping him company and being good hosts. 2fter >r. 8age9s ta k he took +uestions from the audience# which fi ed the performance ha auditorium# and I asked# 0what do you say to peop e who say that modern art is garbage.0 >r. 8age thought a moment and said# 0I9d te them to become garbage co ectors.0 It got a big augh from the crowd. item%%4"D? :'< had a specia event in the student union. (here were a ot of promotions of various kinds and I forget what the genera theme of the event was. I found a sa e of theatrica photos and bought one of 8arrie <isher in her ro e as &rincess Beia in 'tar 3ars. (his sea ed my reputation among my friends at the dorm as a keen fan of that movie# especia y >iss <isher9s ro e# and a comp ete romantic. item%%252! (he artist 8hristo came to speak at :'<. (here was a reception which I attended and there I met him. I to d him about my e-perience with a scu pture I designed whi e I was a student at Ca e. It was a ength of 'cotch >agic (ape with &eer ess hospita app icators%%doub e%tipped cotton swabs without the cotton%%attached transverse y at their midd es# a ha f%inch apart# with ta cum powder rubbed on the remaining e-posed tape. I to d 8hristo about dea ing with the Ca e bui ding department to get permission to mount a 1!%storey version in the stairwe of the A ine Bio ogy (ower. It took them a

month to agree to it%%what they did during the month I don9t know. >aybe they were testing how serious I was about the who e thing. 2nd then they made me agree to take it down after a week%%fire ha/ard. 8hristo shook his head in bemusement and we shared a itt e ook of distaste for the ot of the artist in the wor d of men. 1"66 02 12 0 0? 0! 44 segment 4400 1"66 0" 15 1 11 0" 15

item%%3<!5 (here was a p anetarium on the :'< campus across from the physics ecture ha . I9m not sure if I ever attended a show. item%%5255 I attended a movie on the :'< campus. It was Carrie' 2t the end when 8arrie9s hand burst out of the ground the who e audience screamed in unison# e-cept for me. I sat there +uiet y and ca m y watching the p ace go abso ute y wi d. item%%8B65 I used the weight room once at :'< and was outsi/ed by a the footba p ayers. item%%;;?6 (he wa k from <ontana $a to schoo was a ong stretch# maybe about a ha f mi e# down a sing e road. (here was a ways a moderate si/ed popu ation wa king there. item%%4"6; 3hi e I was a math ma.or at :'< I took an introductory c ass in astronomy. (he teacher was an astronomy graduate student who de ivered her materia without emotion and I figured I cou d do a better .ob. 2 though I got an 2 in the course# I saw another student9s e-am paper and she got a perfect. But the course was so interesting# me being a chi dhood devotee of astronomy# that I had to give some thought to changing my p ans from becoming a mathematician to becoming an astronomer. : timate y I did decide to do that. I went to the astronomy department to ta k about my p ans with the head of the department. (hey on y had a masters degree program. $e said I definite y cou d get into it. I asked him if he thought I might be ab e to go into space and he said yes. I think he was .ust trying to get app icants to his schoo . In any case# I had to switch ma.ors from math to physics. 2 physics B2 is re+uired for astonomy graduate schoo . I took another astronomy course then# more advanced# from =obert ;. 3i son. Dr. 3i son was very he pfu when I came into his office with some +uestions. Eur te-t was 2-ploration of the 3ni)erse# by Deorge 2be . item%%<!26 <ontana $a ma e residents tended to be ta # ath etic# and noisy. (he dorm had a student act night# he d in the dining ha # and one of the gir s put on a so o song performance that featured the words# 0tits and ass0# prominent y# with her pointing in those directions whenever she said the words. (he assemb ed men aughed uproarious y.

item%%14D3 <ontana had a wet (%shirt contest for the gir s and the one wa of the dorm ne-t to the poo where it was he d was packed with on ookers. (he winner was a big%chested gir named >indy# who was something of a pop%figure because of her we %known proportions. item%%BD4" (o get my >e ari prescription fi ed I went to a menta hea th c inic nearby ca ed 7othside. I wa ked there across a arge# barren e-cept for a few trees and sparse grass# part of the :'< compus. >y counse or9s name was >arsha Bewis# a nice young ady# b ack. item%%!"?1 Before going to 8hicago for a <ermi ab summer .ob# I went to the home of my father# Aenneth James Batek# in 't. &ete Beach# <B. I wrote a etter at the time to some friend and knowing my father had an interest in my socia activities I et him read it. I was on the back porch when he finished it and came out and said he thought it was great writing and I was making a mistake going into physics. I said to him he didn9t have any evidence of my physics abi ity and was wrong. $ard to say who was right. item%%180? I went back to 8hicago for the summer of 1"66 to work at <ermi ab# where I had worked during the summer before a of my four years at Ca e. (his summer my boss was a fe ow named Jack >c8arthy# a young engineer. I a ways had a sense he was too young to have such a responsib e position# since he was about my age. $e gave me an assignment to so ve an e+uation for the circuit for a superconducting magnet. I was unab e. (here was a physicist in our section# I think a post%doc# named Brown# I think# who gave me my introduction to partic e physics. $e ca ed it a /oo. (hey had bui t the centra ab bui ding by this time%%they hadn9t when I was a Ca e student%%and I did a ot of work in a (echtroni- graphing monitor room in the bui ding# making graphs of properties of the superconducting magnets during +uench. 'ome meta s take on unusua magnetic characteristics when they are coo ed down to near abso ute /ero. (hey become virtua y nonresistant to e ectrica current and so they can be made to have a much arger magnetic fie d than norma meta s can. But they are very temperamenta and any s ight departure from perfect conditions causes a sudden oss of superconductivity. (his effect is ca ed a 0+uench0. (he p an was to put superconducting magnets in the >ain =ing be ow the norma magnets and transfer the proton beam from the norma magnet tube to the superconducting magnet tube where much greater beam energies can be reached. (his p an has been rea i/ed and the present energy reached is 1000 DeJ# or 1 (eJ. <ermi ab had a po icy of keeping every emp oyee9s emp oyee number for him for the remainder of his ife# so I had my o d number from the year 1"5"# which was !0?. 8urrent y .oining emp oyees at this time had emp oyee numbers in the many thousands. item%%"6;3 I had earned before arriving in 8hicago about a partic e physics scientific conference that was to be he d during the summer at <ermi ab and since I was e igib e to attend I signed up for it. I9m not sure

how se ective they were. (here was some e-pense to me# most y for the report to be pub ished afterward. 2t the event I attended one ecture in the main <ermi ab auditorium. I cou dn9t fo ow it. I a so attended one coctai hour# a very arge group a so# and I had a cathartic moment at the beginning when I# a mere undergraduate sti # was ab e to decide whether to .oin in someone9s conversation in a group of rea scientists. Anowing it was a ive or die situation# I .oined a coup e fe ows9 converstion and disp ayed tota ignorance and ungain iness of my very being there. But at east I made the p unge. (hen I went home# fee ing very much an amateur# and not a very good one at that. (he fina report was way beyond me. I had bought a semina te-t by <raunfe der and $en ey# Particle Physics# and that was no he p. item%%!?D6 I stayed during the summer of 1"66 with my mother in D en ; yn# IB. 1"66 0" 15 1 11 0" 15 1"6? 04 21 1 02 12 4" segment 4!00 segment 4500 1"6? 04 21 1 02 12 4" 1"6? 11 24 0 0! 15 21

item%%6DDB <o owing my fifth +uarter at :'< in (ampa# <B# I went to work for the summer at <ermi ab# in Batavia# IB. >y supervisor was a physicist. I on y remember him as Joe. Ene day at unch in the centra ab bui ding I asked him how many others had app ied for the .ob I got there. $e said hundreds. item%%32B5 >y .ob at <ermi ab this time was to he p another tech ay and so der wires into an e-periment detector. (he workroom was ocated in the 8entra ab bui ding. (he device was about ten feet by ten feet arge. item%%D10! (he director9s office and theoretica group9s offices were open and on my way between workroom and the cafeteria so I passed through there a bit. 'omeone e-p ained to me that the kinetic artwork on the wa behind the director9s desk had been designed and produced by the director# who was sti =obert =. 3i son. (he artwork was a row of ong para e s ats of wood painted different co ors# and each of the two sides of each s at a different co or. ;ach s at turned on its ong a-is and a ong the bottom of them a they each had a disk attached on the same center. Dr. 3i son wou d run his hand across the disks whenever he got tired of the e-isting co or scheme. I don9t reca if the s ats had a mechanism for keeping them with their broad side showing. Ene day I was p eased to see Bee (eng in the theoretica group offices. $e was that section9s eader. I had the good fortune of wa king through Dr. 3i son9s office one day when he was present and I introduced myse f as the fe ow who had shown him a scu pture of mine when I worked at <ermi ab previous y. I thought he might go for the idea of me making a ong version to go into the enormous ta space between the twin towers of the 8entra Bab bui ding# so I proposed it to him. I was very p eased that he said it was something that cou d be done. But I didn9t stay at the abs ong enough to even begin work on it. item%%B533

I happened to go into Du&age (rust for some reason and found Baurie Di iam to be their receptionist. Baurie and I had had a romantic incident when I was in .unior high%%see segment 2200# item id ;D;2. 7ow she was an adu t# and a very attractive one# so I invited her out to =avinia. 2t =avinia we had a picnic with wine and cheese and crackers. 7either one of us mentioned our ear ier romantic incident. It wou d have been ok to mention it but I didn9t know if she remembered it and I didn9t want to stir up gui t if she didn9t. 3e had a nice time in any case# most y in si ence. Dropping her off back at her mother9s house in 3heaton# I be ieve# we said good night and she ooked at me with a mysterious unsett ed e-pression. (hen Baurie invited me to go to her church with her and her sister# Janet. I went. It was a >ormon 8hurch. (hey had a session in which a microphone was handed around to anyone who wanted to make a statement. Baurie made one about no particu ar items of interest to me. I got a fee ing she and her sister were waiting for me to admit the who e ear ier incident to everyone. I dec ined that very troub ing option# si ent y. I earned much ater that Baurie had gotten married and was iving near 'a t Bake 8ity# :(# the home of the >ormon 8hurch. item%%D6<B 2 coup e weeks into the .ob at <ermi ab I received a phone ca from 72'2 in >ountain Jiew# 82# accepting my app ication to work there for the summer. 2stronomy was the fie d I was entering# so working at 72'2 was a better va ue than working at <ermi ab for me. I accepted. item%%2224 I contacted one of my roommates at Ca e sophomore year# Jon <atu a# who was working on a &h.D.# in computer science as I reca # at 'tanford# to ask him if he wou d put me up for a whi e so I cou d get situated for the .ob. $e was an hour9s bike ride from 72'2. I say that because I took my bicyc e with me to 82 and# Jon having a owed me to stay with him# I commuted to work for a whi e. It was cheaper than the bus so it he ped my budget. item%%;?;D Jon was married to a gir named =obin $uffman. (hey were most gracious hosts. 2fter a week or so Jon coo y suggested it was time for me to move out# so I happi y did so# with many thanks. item%%<3!? 3hi e trave ing with Jon <atu a on the 'an <rancisco rapid transit# ca ed the Bay 2rea =apid (ransit# bingoI I recogni/ed a gir coming in the turnsti e I was going out. I cried out# 0'andyI0 which was her name. 'he apparent y didn9t remember mine but she did act as if she recogni/ed me. 3e said nothing e se and continued on our way. item%%4D23 3hi e I stayed with Jon he invited me to p ay the 'tanford computer a game of chess on his termina . I hit on a nove opening# which was to make random moves with reduced concern for protecting pieces. Jon noted this and ca ed it a hypermodern opening. 2ma/ing y# the game went on for some time and when Jon saw I had a chance to win he .oined me in making moves. 3e won. I have pu ed out this hypermodern opening from time to time since then and it regu ar y frightens seasoned p ayers# and whi e it rare y wins it is a ways stunning when it does. It enab es me to re a-# since one must suspend

his defensive .uices from the start# and I en.oy it. item%%42<2 Jon drove me down to 'anta 8ru/ to visit the campus of the :niversity of 8a ifornia there. $e knew I wou d ove it and I did. It9s nest ed up in the 'anta 8ru/ mountains amidst a redwood forest. $e suggested I app y to transfer there from :'< and I was unab e to resist. I a so app ied to 'tandford but they turned me down. :8'8 accepted me and I never went back to < orida. item%%6!<! >oving out of Jon and =obin9s p ace I found a sub et in &a o 2 to from two 'tanford students# one of whom was a beautifu 2sian gir named Binda $uang. (he apartment9s bedroom had a arge waterbed and this was the on y time I ever s ept on one to date. item%%DD48 2t 72'2 I worked under an engineer named Jon Bader on the &ioneer Jenus program. It was yet to aunch. (he compound was ocated on a 7ava airbase%%>offett <ie d. (here were big bui dings everywhere and one of them was the argest wind tunne in the wor d# I was to d. item%%?00B Ene day on the bus home%%I had earned a itt e by then and cou d afford it%%there was a nice ooking gir sitting near me and I started a conversation with her. 'he a so worked as a summer student at 72'2. 3e hit it off so I invited her to come to my apartment and p ay duets. 'he p ayed the recorder and I p ayed the c assica guitar. 3e gave it a go but I was so inept at sight reading# being se f%taught# that not much music happened. 'ti # we got a ong rea we and she invited me to .oin her on a trip to visit John Dobson# the founder of the 'an <rancisco 'idewa k 2stronomers. (he gir had recent y taken up a new name# .ust for the heck of it as far as I cou d te . It was Aathryn >cDerrity. 'he was a divorcee. 'he was taking a bunch of 72'2 books%%they were free to emp oyees%%to John. 2pparent y they were +uite good friends. 3e were to spend the day with John and his woman. John was in about his si-ties and this gir was in her teens. I forget her name. 'an <rancisco was hot that day. John drove us in their van to >ount (ama pais. 3e set out hiking to the top# gir s and boys separate y. En the path to the mountain John stopped to throw pebb es at a amppost some distnce away# with his eft hand# he commented. It was a defense against aging# he said# to make a point of hitting the post eft%handed. 3hen we got to the top# John opened his bag and we each ate a who e pound of yogurt. (he hike trai was obvious y we fre+uented# but not abused# and there was abso ute y no itter. $ike done# we returned to their apartment and had a mea of fruit and nuts and some sort of thing ike brewers9 yeast or something. (heir kitchen was a c oset in the ha way. It was a basement apartment# more ike a warehouse# fi ed with te escope making e+uipment.

John was famous. Bater# I saw him appear on Johnny 8arson. 3hat makes the 'idewa k 2stronomers work is that p anets are not obscured as much as stars are by the g are of city ights. (he 2stronomers set up in the city on popu ar corners and invite passers by to ook in their te escopes# which they make themse ves. John eft a Jedantin seminary in 8hina #where he ived for many years# because his te escope making began to take up more of his time and energy than Jedantining. John e-pressed gracious# measured appreciation for the 72'2 books from Aathryn. 2t some point in ta king with John he to d me that before estab ishing the 'idewa k 2stronomers he had been home ess in 'an <rancisco. $e said he survived by picking wi df owers to eat. I borrowed this idea from him when I first became home ess in 1"?1# working for 8ircus Jargas without any money. I scoured the circus grounds for a particu ar type of weed that I found tasty. (here was a crowd of kids who saw me do it. item%%4<!D (he .ob at 72'2# on &ioneer Jenus# inc uded two pro.ects. Ene was to ca cu ate# using ca cu us# the amount of ight that wou d enter a window on the craft# if there were no c ouds in the atmosphere of Jenus. (his amount wou d be compared to the actua amount to get a measure of the obscuring caused by c ouds and thus their density. (he device measuring the ight coming through the window was ca ed a 0nephe ometer0# from the root nephe meaning 0c oud0. I was unab e to so ve the e+uation that Jon gave me for it and he so ved it himse f. I was humb ed. I worked on it at a desk in an office in the basement of the bui ding of the Instrument Deve opment Division where Jon was and his boss# Boris =agent. Boris9s secretary was very e-a tive about Boris. $e did e-hibit memory of phone numbers of co eagues that I thought was unusua . Boris9s secretary a so to d me that 2 an Backe worked in the bui ding. $e was the fe ow who successfu y fought a ega batt e against :.8. Berke ey over being re.ected in his medica schoo app ication because of e+ua opportunity po icies. $e was schedu ed to eave 72'2 soon and start schoo . Boris9s secretary urged me to introduce myse f to him# as she said he was a very ikab e guy# but I didn9t have either the nerve or much interest in g amor ike that. item%%5<53 <rom that basement office at 72'2 I used the govenment ine to make two free ong distance ca s. Ene was to my grandmother in < orida. (he other was to the :niversity of >ontana in Bo/eman to ta k to Jess Bair# the author of a se f%he p book that I had read and got much out of. $e was nice. >y ai ing menta hea th got a ot out of making the connection with >r. Bair. I am gratefu to the government for enab ing me to ca him# but I dared not speak of it as I had not been to d that I cou d use the phone. item%%;?"1 'omehow I earned that Barbara 'hoemaker# whom I dated in high schoo and earned she had gotten me my .ob at <ermi ab# was married and iving in the 'i icon Ja ey area. I ca ed and she invited me over to their house for a visit. I en.oyed seeing her again but had to restrain myse f given her marriage. (he >e ari I was taking didn9t he p. I don9t reca much of the visit. En ater occasions I had to ta k with her father# <rank# I a ways asked about Barb. 'he and her husband bought some and in 7ew $ampshire or Jermont. (hey got divorced at some point.

@@item%%8"0" 1"6? 0" to 1"6? 12 I found out that I cou d get 82 resident status and pay ower :8 tuition if I waited unti January# 1"6"# to enter schoo # so I found a .ob to ast from the end of summer# when my 72'2 .ob ended# through December. It was as an e ectronics technician for a aser manufacturer%%8oherent# Inc. (he founder and owner was James $obart. I9m to d he is of an o d 2merican fami y. I saw him once in the ha s of the administration department. >y .ob was to test the contro bo- for tuneab e dye% asers. (hese asers are ab e to ase at a fre+uency which varies by pumping co ored dyes through the device# and probab y by some other means that are beyond me. Cou se ect the fre+uency you want by turning a digita se ector on the contro bo-. (he pump has to accomodate severa different dyes which each a ow a different range of fre+uencies. sub%item%%6B0< It was a moderate%si/ed factory at 8oherent# about the si/e of a footba fie d. (he tuneab e asers were in one sma ab kept very dark with three component rooms) mine# which was the entranceway a soM the main ab# which was the si/e of a arge iving roomM and the back ab# a sma room. (he main body of the factory had carbon dio-ide asers being assemb ed. (hese asers are very powerfu and are used# among other things I be ieve# to put ho es in cigarette papers. (hey were the si/e of a city rai car# or maybe ha f that girth. sub%item%%0;2; (hree of us worked in tuneab e asers# inc uding a gir # who instructed me in a the detai s of my work# and a guy named Jose De gado. >y apartment during the summer was a sub et by students and I had to vacate. Jose offerred to put me up whi e I ooked for another p ace for the fa . $e was most accomodating. $e took me a so to his church# which was oud# friend y# and $Ispanic. I found a room in a home with some other students and ived bare y but ade+uate y for the duration of my 8oherent .ob. 3hen fa was ending I informed my boss# Aevin 3e s# that I had decided I wou d return to schoo and was +uitting. (his was a ie# as I knew I wou d be +uitting initia y and didn9t te them because I knew they wou dn9t hire me for on y three months9. Aevin muttered a itt e and said ok. 3hat cou d he doF sub%item%%8D22 I had been writing an autobiography for some time and it was about !0 typed pages. I adored one of the gir s in the 8oherant office and took it in one day and said she cou d read it. 3e went outside and she sat down on the curb of the entrance to the factory and read through the who e thing# rea fast but every page# whi e I stood there. 3hen she was done she handed it back to me and said nothing. I pressed her for a reaction but she made a face and refused. I thought this showed good breeding# but a so a bit of a mystery. 'he was a very attractive# savvy ady. item%%D640 2t some point in my stay in and around &a o 2 to I happened to attend a poetry reading given by a midd e eastern man. $e was effusive and generous with everyone# taking infinite pains to address

everyone sensitive y. $e said his teacher was Aha i Dibran# who was dead. (his was the first time I had ever heard of someone having a dead man as a iving teacher. $e didn9t speak of the teaching being by the words of Dibran. It was Dibran himse f. I noted this with some moment. Dibran was a Bebanese poet and artist# most renowned for his book# The Prophet4 with both a poem and accompanying art by the poet. item%%0;8B I took a writing course at an adu t education center in &a o 2 to whi e I was iving there. It was usefu for the feedback given by a the students to each other. I9m not sure what writing I submitted but it might have been the autobiography I was working on at the time. Ene of the students read a poem that had been composed by a computer. It didn9t make much sense# but one phrase was# 0ine uctib e moda ities of the divine0# which the c ass thought was funny. item%%;4!! I did a itt e wa king around &a o 2 to and came across a house with myriad artifacts embedded into the bui ding materia . (he owner happened to be home and I had a itt e conversation with him about it. (he weather was perfect for a wa k and this seemed odd to me# being from 8hicago where December is pretty co d. I had been in < orida during the winter# but somehow being on my own I fe t the weather more thoughtfu y. item%%?;D" 2bout this time I attended# through some agency I don9t reca # a meeting of about a hundred men. It was a sensitivity group. I was particu ar y active# priding myse f on my wi ingness to open myse f to a of them. 1"6? 11 24 0 0! 15 21 segment 4600 1"6" 05 2? 1 0? 1" !3

@@item%%?D<" 1"6" 01 to 1"?2 05 2ttended the :niversity of 8a ifornia at 'anta 8ru/# in 'anta 8ru/# 82. for five +uarters# studying toward a second bache or9s degree in physics. 2pp ied during the fina year to Ca e :niversity9s &h.D. program in astronomy# among other p aces in astronomy# and was accepted on y at Ca e. >y :8'8 senior thesis# under Deorge B umentha # was de ayed approva pending a few items needing a teration and I matricu ated at Ca e9s graduate schoo using my Ca e B2. I finished my :8'8 thesis during home essness and received my degree from :8'8 June 11# 1"?2. item%%<6!B In my first +uarter at :8'8 I took ; ectromagnetism from Bi Burke. $e handed back the papers from the midterm e-am in order of score and mine was first. I was over.oyed and mouthed to myse f a shout of e-u tation mi-ed with disbe ief. (here was no connect with other students. 2t the beginning of c ass Bi commented on his se ection of the te-t# which was by 8orson and Borrain. $e directed our attention to a ist of schoo s using the book and it was ong and i ustrious. I forget whee the ist was. item%%55?2

I chose to be assigned to 8rown 8o ege as a :8'8 student. (his was the residentia co ege primari y of science students. (he dorms were a named for famous scientists in history. >y first dorm was $arvey $ouse# named for the discoverer of the circu ation of the b ood. (he architecture at 8rown was white stucco. 2 the co eges had been designed by noted architects# each a different one. Aresge was designed by 8har es >oore# who# as dean of the architecture schoo at Ca e# had he ped me make the transition from Ca e to a .ob in architecture. item%%"3"3 (he :8'8 campus was ocated on and that had origina y been a ranch in the 'anta 8ru/ >ountains owned by $enry 8owe . It was heavi y wooded with =edwoods. (he bui dings were scattered here and there so one had a chance to make fre+uent wa ks with =edwoods on a sides. It was breathtaking. item%%33;2 >y roommate in $arvey $ouse was a nice fe ow named >ark 8ady. 3e never had any prob ems. $e and I formed a itt e group with some other residents of $arvey# Jeanice 'herman# her boyfreind Dwight Johnson# and >ark9s gir friend# whose name I think was 'herry. 3e went once to a arge bar in town and Dwight showed his sty e# which rea y seemed to impress Jeanice and made me .ea ous because I iked Jeanice a ot. item%%020B 2 group from 8rown 8o ege purchased ha f%season tickets to the 'an <rancisco 'ymphony and I was one of them. 3e trave ed in a van across the 'anta 8ru/ >ountains to the concerts. item%%B!;0 2 friend of mine from 8rown# Jacky Bea # invited me to see an ;ng ish anguage performance of the opera 8armen# by Deorges Bi/et. It was staged in a town +uite far from 'anta 8ru/ and Jacky drove us there. Jacky had a boyfriend she was in ove with# otherwise I might have made a p ay for her. (he same p ay for her was contemp ated by a mutua friend# Derhard >et/en. item%%645! I went to a p ay in a barn on campus and happened to sit ne-t to a cute inte igent gir and we started a conversation. I got her name and phone number and we ater made a date. $er name was 8aro yn Bruskin. 'he was not a :8'8 student. (he date was to a concert. 8aro yn drove and picked me up at $arvey. (his was good for my ego because >ark cou d see how pretty she was# so I was not so socia y unusefu as I might have seemed# given the effects of medication on my energy eve and physi+ue. 'he wore a f owery bonnet. 3e went first to her p ace in 'anta 8ru/. (here we had p enty of time before we had to eave so whi e she was fut/ing in the kitchen over something she gave me her poetry to read. I sat in the iving room and read it and ca ed to her my .udgement of it# or rather a modified .udgment because I thought it was pretty ordinary stuff. But she went to the troub e of writing so I honest y approved. 'he didn9t make a big dea of it so as a who e it was a positive +ua ity for her to write. 3e wa ked out to a park nearby .ust for the heck of it and as we came up to a sma pond a the wi d anima s# a ot of geese and other birds# f ocked right up to us and 8aro yn c ung to me for protection.

(hen we went to the concert. It was the first time I had heard 'travinsky9s &u cine a. I found it enchanting and have oved it ever since and am very gratefu to 8aro yn for introducing me to it. 2s we sat in our seats 8aro yn very endearing y c utched my arm. It made me fee desireab e and grounded in being centra in the eye of a sweet pretty young thing tota y without affectations. >y egoism eventua y overtook my comfort and I didn9t go out with 8aro yn again. It was a matter of socia stature and the investment of many peop e and institutions in me over time# making it necessary for me to find a permanent ove interest with e+ua cards. In actua ity I had many persona iabi ities and there wasn9t anyone I cou d have found who wou d have asted forever. @@item%%660? 1"6" 02 to 1"?0 05 3hi e I was iving at $arvey $ouse I noticed a very +uiet# su try gir named Aatrina. 'he attracted me very much and I determined to make a serious p ay for her so one day I went to her room and knocked# with no idea how to hand e it. 'he opened the door# which was and she had been sitting on the f oor with her roommate. 'he didn9t invite me in. I stood at the door speech ess for a whi e but probab y fina y said my name# I don9t know. (hen I sat down on the f oor with them. (hey didn9t say anything. I sat there si ent with them ooking at me for a fraction of a minute# then I came to the conc usion it was point ess and got up and eft# without a word. I kept a my friends up to date on my interest in and actions regarding Aatrina. 2t a wa t/ dance he d by 8rown 8o ege Aatrina attended and I asked her to dance. It was a great opportunity for me as I was a good dancer. 'he was unimpressed# though. 3e didn9t speak. I found out from my friend Derhard >et/en# a math grad student# that Aatrina was in a c ass that he taught. $e invited me to come to c ass one day as his guest. (here was Aatrina. 'he took in everything without e-pression# as usua . 2t the end of the schoo year the &rovost of 8rown# 'igmund &uknat# he d a ta ent show for students in his home on the 8rown campus. I performed with my guitar. 3hen I sat down to p ay there was Aatrina in the sma audience. 3hen I finished I made a point of ooking at her. 'he was stee y# as a ways. En the day I eft :8'8 after my graduation ceremony ,where I didn9t get my dip oma# as e-p ained e sewhere* as my friend Derhardt >et/en and I were getting in his car there was Aatrina wa king a itt e ways away# ooking at me for the ast time. @@item%%D!B3 1"6" 02 to 1"?0 11 8owe 8o ege at :8'8 had regu ar dances that were comp ete y wa t/es# with a ive orchestsra. I en.oyed these very much. I had a regu ar partner a ot of the time in a gir named 'ue &eterson. 'he was petite and a good dancer so we rea y got around. 3hen I attended Ca e astronomy graduate schoo I found that 'ue and her former boyfriend now husband# 'teve $erring# were on campus# 'teve as a graduate student and 'ue as a ibrary emp oyee# I be ieve in the 'ter ing ibrary. 2fter I had my re apse they took me to a p ay. 'ue was a scho ar a so and studied bird behavior. 'he to d me about keeping records of bird

observations she made from her home ooking out into her back yard. I9m not sure where this was# and when it happened e-act y. item%%!284 I took a ba room dance c ass. 2fter one session I happened to spend some time with an 2sian coup e# two young students. It was dark and there was a arge fie d and the gir asked me to he p her with her dancing so we danced together awhi e. 'he ooked into my eyes deep y and said I was a master. I was of a divided mind about this. It prevented me from pursuing a re ationship at the same time it put me past the possessive strength of her boyfriend. item%%;514 <or one of the wa t/es that 8rown he d they asked me to teach and to prepare a tape of some music. (he tape I prepared didn9t seem to p ease the dancers. >oreover# I have no idea how I cou d have made a tape as I didn9t own a tape recorder at the time. I found teaching the wa t/ difficu t. It was a crowd busy with distractions. (he on y times I had ever taught were at the post wedding party of 7orm 'wett in >inneapo is# >7M and during intermission at a performance by >anda a in BostonM so I was ine-perienced. item%%001; (he :8'8 psychiatrist# Barbara 'hip ey# connected me with a psychiatrist in 'anta 8ru/ she thought I wou d ike. $Is name was Dera d 7ash. Dr. 7ash had gone to India to study Coga. I went to see him once a week whi e I was a student at :8'8. 8a ifornia had a very progressive hea th insurance program ca ed >edi8a that paid for my visits to Dr. 7ash. (hey had a itt e s ip of paper with stickers that Dr. 7ash9s secretary wou d take off one at a time and put somewhere on their records. Dr. 7ash said my prob em was fear of fai ure# which I re.ected but since I didn9t know what my prob em rea y was I had to et it pass. (here was a moment in one session where he seemed to be a owing me to e-press some affection for him as an intimate friend. I didn9t understand what it meant. I had never had an intimate friend. &erhaps this is what he was trying to say. 2nother patient of Dr. 7ash was >ary 2nn 7o in# the gir from my modern dance c ass at :8'8 who asked me out to unch and we found out we were both patients of 7ash. I had a session with Dr. 7ash before our first date and I to d him about it and said I was worried that because I had never been ab e to have se- with a gir with whom in mind I had masturbated over# and I had with >ary 2nn# that I wou dn9t be ab e to have se- with her. $e ooked at me s y y and said maybe this wou d be the first time. ;vident y >ary 2nn had to d him something about her intentions with me. @@item%%20D< 1"6" 05 01 to 1"6" 0" 01 3orked as a summer student at $a e Ebservatories whi e boarding at 8a tech in one of the undergraduate houses# =icketts. sub%item%%14;0 $a e Ebservatories9 administrative offices# where I worked# are ocated at ?13 'anta Barbara 'treet in &asadena# 82. (here is a main bui ding p us an e+uipment bui ding where the =atheon computer was# and a shop bui ding# on about an acre of and. ;verything is very tight and neat. (he front awn runs about !0 feet from the foundation of the main bui ding to the sidewa k# where there is a foot and a ha f ta concrete curb and the sidewa k is that much ower than the awn. (hey have their own parking ot

in back. sub%item%%?21" Inside the main bui ding the entrance opens on a etters high desk where the receptionist# who was very nice to me# sits with her phone connection to a the offices. (he ha here is si- yards deep and windows ook out forward and back. (owards the back is 7orth. It9s a two storey bui ding. sub%item%%85D2 I was attached to the so ar department. (he head was =obert $oward. $is post%doc was Barry BaBonte. 3e three made up the who e department. Bob and Barry had their offices on the top# or second# f oor# in the 3est wing# Bob9s on the 3est side of the ha and Barry9s across from him. (hey gave me my own office. It was sma but comp ete y ade+uate# and was on the first f oor# a so on the 3est wing# on the 3est side of the ha . (he 3est 3ing e-tended 7orth from the front of the bui ding. sub%item%%3!;! >y pro.ect for the summer was to program the =atheon computer to reduce about 100 years of data from the so ar te escope to determine whether and how much the so ar disk was changing in si/e. I took instruction from Barry in how to operate the computer and in the organi/ation of the data. &rogram contro was by punched cards. (here was a so some data on magnetic tape and I don9t reca now where the data with the observations was ocated# on tape or on cards. (he programming was to be in <ortran. >y first course in <ortran was in the weeks before entering the :niversity of 'outh < orida in (ampa# <B# at the &ine as 8ounty# <B# pub ic schoo science center# in 1"65. >y first ever instruction in computers came as a summer student at <ermi ab# in Batavia# IB# in 1"5"# under physicist David <. 'utter. sub%item%%?DB" (he ibrarian knew I was menta y i and gave me a book she said I ought to get something out of. It was a biography of Deorge ; ery $a e# the founder of $a e Ebservatories# where I worked. $a e became menta y i at some point and began some episodes of seeing and ta king with a funny itt e man who didn9t e-ist. $e worked through this time and bui t the 200 inch te escope on >ount &a omar# now named in his honor# a though he died before fina comp etion. sub%item%%35<! :nc e Bi was de ighted with my progress in a career at this time and vo unteered to drive me back to schoo in 'anta 8ru/ from Bos 2nge es# where I had worked for the summer at $a e Ebservatories. >y mother and Bisa and BInda came for the ride. 3hi e we were sti in Bos 2nge es :nc e Bi had some matter he had to discuss with an operator on a pay phone. I don9t reca what it was about. During the conversation on the phone he reached the end of his patience and said to the operator something to the effect that he# :nc e Bi # was president of a big company and he wou d cance the company9s contract with the company the operator worked for. I thought this was very iso ated of him and showed poor .udgment. I got the sense he was trying to show off for his fami y. 1"6" 05 2? 1 0? 1" !3 segment 4?00 1"?0 01 31 0 11 23 25

item%%D<02 =eturning to :8'8 after the summer at $a e Ebservatories I took a sing e room in Dauss $ouse# a dorm for graduate students primari y# as I fe t it wou d give me more appropriate socia opportunities

than ife among the undergraduates. item%%"4"2 Ene of my friends at Dauss $ouse invited me to an evening in a hot tub at some house in the 'anta 8ru/ area. It was outside and steam poured out from it. 3e .ust sat there and en.oyed conversation. item%%1B;8 2nother friend# or possib y the same as invited me to the hot tub# invited me and another Dauss $ouse resident# >ark Bis+ueborn# to drinks at a bar in 'anta 8ru/. It was dark and they had ots of free snacks. >ark was fond of saying# 0in )ino )eritas40 which means 0ttuth in wine.0 (hese two other fe ows were more my age and more wor d y than most :8'8 students# especia y the one whose name I don9t remember. item%%1;?2 >y friend from Dauss $ouse# Derhard >et/en# came to me with an idea for us to cofound an 2rts and $umanities (ab e at 8rown. 'o we went ahead with it# as an officia function of the co ege. 3e came up with names of facu ty to give ta ks# a ong ist# and approached our choice before each event. (hen at the event we wou d a have dinner in a side room# Derhard or I# usua y I# wou d introduce the speaker# and then there wou d be the ta k# p us discussion afterward. 3e had (om Behrer for the first event. $e was the mathematician and popu ar song writer# perhaps most famous for his song about 0new math0. (a king over ideas for his presentation (om and I got to be friends. $e decided to do a ta k on Broadway shows# about which he knew +uite a ot. I ran into him in the door of the Internationa =eading bookstore in 8ambridge when I was home ess. $e had no idea I was home ess and we had a p easant greeting for each other. 3e had =aynor Banham# a noted architecture historian whom I had earned about from my over in 8ambridge# >2# ; en 3eiss. 3e had an astro oger from 'anta 8ru/ and I made a point to invite a ot of :8'8 astronomers to come and debate her. Before the event I went to her home and paid for her to do a reading for me. 'he e-p ained very he pfu y that as she had earned asto ogy it was simp y a base on which to mount the office of counse ing a person. 'he was a devotee of the work of the astro oger Dane =udyer. item%%63"4 I took a c ass in fiction writing from 8e ine Beonard# a iterature graduate student. <or the first short story I chose to write a fictina piece about a dere ict. It was tit ed# 03hat Ethers 3ish.0 It ended with a friend of the man9s daughter finding a poem stuck in a mirror in his very despoi ed iving +uarters. $ere is the poem) 3hat Ethers 3ish I may not be what others wish. I may not have the wor d in tow. But I can take my breaks and uck 2nd a the itt e words I hear <rom day to day#m from you and you

2nd a your itt e habits. 3hy make the wor d a nasty p ace 3hen ife and ove surround usF It9s not the wea th that you possess (hat makes me stop to ponder Just what it is that makes us b essed <rom saint to bum# or farther. (he other three stories were one about my breakup at Ca e with Janet Dougherty# tit ed 0'tained D ass#0 one about my visit with a fami y in E den/aa # $o and# tit ed 02 =ea Linger#0 and a fictina one about two men anding with their unit on the beach at 7ormandy# tit ed 0(he Banding.0 I submitted a these to the 8rown 8o ege student newspaper# (he 7ew Jeremiad# and they were a pub ished. item%%<4!D I took a c ass in modern dance with the physica education department at :8'8. Ene of the gir s in the c ass# who was a rea knockout# and ived in $arvey at 8rown# approached me with an invitation to a dance concert somewhere in the neighboring communities. I knew she wasn9t romantica y ooking at me# but .ust had a sense that I was an unusua person in a bad way for reasons beyond his contro # or sort of anyway. I accepted. $er name was 7ico e 2dkins. 3e took the bus and as we sat in a busstop I was very aware of her stature and her keeping her distance in fee ings and conversation# as she was not given over to id e pratt e in any way# and this made it a memorab e date. I don9t remember the dance concett content but I do remember wa king down the ais e to our seats in the midst of a hundred pairs of eyes# probab y most y dance fans and students. 7ico e being striking y beautifu I fe t we spoken for# but most y I .ust en.oyed the e-citement of a forma performance. Ence we got home I took 7ico e to the doorstep of $arvey and said goodnight without a hint of an attempt at endearment. I think she was aware of a my possib e options in that. 'ometime ater 7ico e invited me to go with her and her sister# a non%:8'8 student# to a performance by the we %known dance troupe &i obo us# in 'an <rancisco. I accepted. (here was a tour bus that took us to the performance and during the ride 7ico e9s sister and I ta ked about a summer e-perience of hers with an organi/ation that put young peop e on a sai ing yacht for a ong cruise# earning a about sai ing. (he sister was a itt e heavy and I was thinking maybe it was 7ico e9s intention that we possib y find an attraction# the sister and I. I hadn9t revised my se-ua ambitions though# and didn9t pursue it after the evening. 7ice gir # though. 7ico e and her sister were from >ount 'hasta# 82. item%%825D Ene day I went for a run around the :8'8 track with my friend 'teve 7ay or# an ;ng ishman and a graduate student. 'teve repeated what I had done to James Jeas in 8ambridge# >2# discussed in segment 3600 item 8"2?. $e did it with re ish. I was taking >e ari and this made me overweight. It

occurred to me I was no worthy racing foe for >r. 7ay or# who was very fit. item%%6322 I regu ar y took modern dance c asses in the &hysica ;ducation department at :8'8. =ita Ai patrick was one of my teachers. In one c ass there was a ta b ond with a nice figure and a pretty face who wore a pink string around her waste for some reason. Ene day after c ass when we were a getting our street c othes on by the e-it door# she stepped over severa peop e to get to me and asked me out to unch. $er name was >ary 2nn 7o in. I found out at unch with >ary 2nn that we were both going to therapy for menta i ness with a psychiatrist in 'anta 8ru/ by the name of Dera d 7ash. 3hen I mentioned >ary 2nn to Derry and said I was afraid that whenever I masturbated with a particu ar gir in mind I never was ab e to rea y have se- with her# and I had masturbated with >ary 2nn in mind# Derry said maybe this time wou d be an e-ception. 2fter another date with >ary 2nn she invited me to stay overnight at the home where she was boarding. In the busstop she ter on campus she said to me that she had a nice doub e bed. I owered my head to her shou der in understanding and thanks. 2t her home# we +uick y undressed and itera y .umped into bed# which was a matrass on the f oor# gigg ing bright y# and both of us cherishing this without any need for se-ua intercourse. 3e were .ust thorough y absorbed with each other. En one occasion as I was ta king to someone in 8rown 8o ege# my residentia co ege at :8'8# >ary 2nn appeared and was fee ing very down%%she had some i ness%%and asked me for my room keys so she cou d go and ie down. I touched her face gent y and with tenderness and gave her the keys. 'omething I don9t understand is why I fai to marry gir s who were perfect and I had a c ear passage to marriage with. (hese inc uded 8aro &a ey# at Ca e# Bridgitte de Berti# in 7ice# <rance# and >ary 2nn 7o in. =ecent y# though# I be ieve I have gotten some insight on this and it may be that I have been trying to prove with the wor d that Aaren $uenemann made an error re.ecting me in .unior high# and every gir has on y been re evant as a commentary re ated to Aaren# deep down inside me. En one occasion >ary 2nn and I had a shower together in the Dauss $ouse first f oor bathrooms. 3e had to e-ert e-treme se f%contro to avert coitus as we put our pe vises tight y together under the water. 'he e-c aimed +uiet y that my egs were ike weight% ifter9s# a comment which over time seems to show that >ary 2nn was sincere y physica y attracted to me and not over ooking my medication%caused physica imperfection for the sake of some greater identity e ement such as wisdom# perhaps. item%%"!3! >y senior thesis was taken under Deorge B umentha # who had .oint appointments in the physics and astronomy departments. 2t this writing# Deorge is 8hance or of :.8. 'anta 8ru/. Deorge suggested a topic. It was a iterature e-p oration of the observed behavior of some +uasars in which .ets of gases were trave ing faster than the speed of ight. Diven the ca cu ated distance of the +uasar from us# and the transverse motion of so many units of arc per unit of time# the ve ocity of materia can be ca cu ated# and for some of them there was materia trave ing in e-cess of the speed of ight# as much as two or three times that speed. (his is an intriguing behavior because the theory of re ativity# arge y accepted as va id# ho ds that matter cannot trave faster than the speed of ight. 7o

satisfying e-p anation of this anoma y had been suggested. (he paper did not concern e-p anations# .ust the evidence. 3hen I submitted my finished work# Deorge wrote on it that it was we written# but there were a coup e of things that needed editing. Deorge said I shou d hurry up and fi- the thesis. I was going off to astronomy graduate schoo at Ca e and things get put aside and never get done. I did put it aside# and I used my Ca e B2 to register for graduate schoo . It wasn9t unti I was home ess for a coup e years that I fina y finished the changes# submitted it again to Deorge# and Deorge approved it# getting me my degree# a second bache or9s in physics from :8'8# on June 11# 1"?2. <rom the moment I first eft campus in about June of 1"?0 after finishing my courses I periodica y wrote to >r. B umentha in the spirit of co egea ity# wanting to maintain a cordia re ationship. $owever >r. B umentha has never rep ied to any of my messages# up to this writing on June 30# 2013. (here were about four messages I sent to him a to d. I am eft to guess as to the reason he has not rep ied. During my home essness the campus po ice to d me I was we come to return to campus any time I wanted# so if there is a negative view of me there it hasn9t made its way everywhere. 'ti # it certain y confirms the impression that I have been b ack isted. (here is a point that needs to be raised concerning my argument with 'tan ey < atte about my ab work. It may be that >r. < atte# after granting me credit for the ab# approached my thesis advisor# Deorge B umentha # and discussed with him my prof igacy and ways to reta iate# despite the fact that he didn9t indicate to me when we discussed it that there wou d be one. (he two of them might have agreed that B umentha wou d find something short of perfect in my thesis and demand that it be corrected before approva cou d be given for the thesis. (his was sure to make me dance for my supper# so to speak. B umentha 9s refusa to answer my messages might then be part of this campaign of reta iation of the two of them. < atte died on 7ovember 4# 2006. item%%1?"< En my 2"th birthday# January ?# 1"?0# I had a party for my friends in a ounge in my dorm# Dauss $ouse. I bought two cases of champaign. item%%236; 2dvanced aboratory was a departmenta re+uirement for graduation in physics. I was taking the course from 'tan ey < atte. I missed the point on two of the abs# the hydrau ic ana og computer and radioactivity# and a discussion with 'tan showed he considered my work insufficient for passing. I presented an argument that my intermediate ab work at :'< had been superior and I a so had considerab e work e-perience of a aboratory nature during the summers# inc uding work at <ermi ab ,five summers*# 72'2# 8oherent Inc. ,during the fa *# and $a e Ebservatories. 'tan didn9t ike it. 'ti # I was adamant and he buck ed and granted me a pass. Etherwise I wou d have needed another term of residence for the aboratory and that wou d have posed grave difficu ties# financia # to pay for more tuition and residence# and difficu ties at Ca e for beginning graduate schoo ate. : timate y# I was ucky to graduate# .ust ike had happened at Ca e. But in both cases it was comp ete y within the power of the respective facu ty to make the decision# and both decisions came down in my favor# there being no +uestion in the subse+uent record from what I know of# of a vio ation of regu ation having occurred. (hus# the peop e designated as officers of the universities determined for the record that I was in comp iance and the discussions eading to that determination were not stamped on my dip omas. I note the matter here out of an interest in a arger story than the records give.

Ene conc usion that may be supported by the facts is that# with two weakened degrees in terms of co egia re ations with those concerned# I was not ab e to assemb e a sufficient attempt at graduate schoo # twice. (his is .ust as my b ack isters wou d want it. It a so p ays into the hands of those entities that desired me to enter the osiris state# in which my two attempts at graduate schoo were converted into free assist in those fie ds to others. I be ieve those entities are the genus Apis. (he high ight of the irises during the osiris moment wou d point to a stress point between the compound eyes of Apis and the eyes of humans. (he bones vibrating of that same moment# the os of osiris# wou d point to a stress point between the bacteria y edib e chitin of the Apis frame and the non%edib e human frame. (hese stress points wou d be true for any insect species. (he argument for bees is drawn from my own ife ,see segment 0?00# item 6D;3* and I have no evidence inking the ancient ;gyptian Esiris with bees# on y the sacred scarab beet e# an ob.ect of ancient ;gyptian reverence. (he re evance of bacteria edibi ity enters from my hypothesis that bacteria regu ate a anima centra nervous systems# which casts insects# with their edib e chitin frames# as vast y more compatib e with bacteria# and as bacteria seem to have the upper hand# despite what the fo ks at wi te you# this position makes a ot of sense. (he best pub ished source on my hypothesis about bacteria and centra nervous systems is my own website# 1"?0 01 31 0 11 23 25 segment 4"00 1"?0 0" 04 0 02 25 !?

item%%D";8 2 though my officia graduation had been he d up by the need of my senior thesis to be amended# I was a owed to participate in the graduation ceremony# the one for 8rown 8o ege being he d in the granite pit on campus. 3hen I went up to get my certificate# not a dip oma# they announced# as they did a so with a handfu of others# that I was a recipient of the 8rown 8o ege 'ervice 2ward. I suppose this was earned because of three things) teaching the wa t/# pub ishing four stories in the student newspaper# and co%founding the 8rown 8o ege 2rts and $umanities (ab e with Derhard >et/en. 2fter the presentations of the dip omas we heard a four or five hour ta k by Buckminster <u er. $e was very inspiring. Ene of his ideas was to have sate ites gather peop e9s menta states direct y from their brains to enab e them to vote that way in e ections. Aind of ridicu ous. @@item%%52?6 1"?0 05 to 1"?0 0? 31 3orked as a summer student at 8a tech9s radio astronomy department. item%%3526 During the course of the summer I was asked by my boss# radio astronomer <red Bo# to eye%ba a hard printed output of spectra recorded by the Internationa : travio et ;-p orer sate ite and see if I cou d identify anything as a non%noise feature# in particu ar either absorption or emission features. (he previous sentence is the who e of what I was given as guidance. It was a perfect situation for going to the department ibrary and doing a itt e basic research. I didn9t think of it.

Instead# my mind wandered as I inspected the data. In such a state of poor discip ine# an odd coincidence happened with my manipu ation of the record# turning benchmarks 2B8 and D which I had marked on the sheet into the order B8 2D. Ef course this coincidence had about a va ue in terms of money of ess than one penny# but I was in need of something# anything# to ca a resu t# and showed the data in +uestion to the secretaries in the department. I thought they wou d .oin me in ama/ement. (hey actua y seemed unphased by the who e thing and ooked at me funny. (he ne-t day I was ca ed into <red9s office and he made a few remarks about getting the I:; work under contro # saying he wanted to avoid any 0red herrings0. I was not too fami iar with the term 0red herring0. In fact at this moment I need to ook it up in my dictionary. It says 0something that draws attention away from the rea issue.0 $e said nothing about the B8 2D incident# but I was pretty sure that was the issue. (hen the ne-t day or so I was to d by someone I was supposed to report to Jesse Dreenstein9s office in the basement. Jesse9s was a name I knew. 2s a chi d I had read of his work in astronomy# though I didn9t remember what it was# on y that he was one of the most renowned astronomers of the day# on a par with <red $oy e. $e was at the time of this story an emeritus professor. Jesse introduced himse f and made no a usion to himse f whatsoever. (hen he began ta king about some astronomy issue phrased as a &h.D. ora e-amination +uestion# which I fo owed as he spoke and kept track of a the detai s of which I had some know edge. 2fter a minute of aying out the +uestion he said to me that my &h.D. was on the ine with my answer# which was mu tip e choice of two choices. I immediate y got on edge because this was Jesse Dreenstein and he was saying my &h.D. was on the ine and though he was speaking fami iar y and with some ight%heartedness I sensed there was something afoot. $e put the +uestion to me p ain y and waited for my response. I thought over what he had said and my sense of it as I had fo owed it as carefu y as I cou d do# and c ear y saw which answer was correct and knew that it was patent y obvious from the conte-t as the man had given it# and hard y a cha enge e-cept as a hurd e for someone that might have been considered possib y a poor candidate for the &h.D. and needed to be made to strugg e over a +uestion on which his degree depended. Ef course as master of the fie d the man said the two options with no hint of favor to one or the other# despite the patent obviousness I cou d see in them. I gave my answer fee ing confident# but needing the answer from the man .ust to be sure. $e said something ike# 0you get your degree0. ;nd of interview. I wa ked back upstairs. (he rea nature of the test may have been in the man9s observation of me when I gave the answer. I think he wou d have been ab e to detect the difference between a correct answer given because it was worked out and a ucky answer given ucki y and without work# and therefore uttered in fear of being wrong. (his makes the resu t of the test# of 0getting my degree0# not rea y a matter of record# since it wou d have been in his private thoughts# e-cept for the degree of certainty in his voice when he said I got my degree# which tends to support the view that he did see that I had done the work and wasn9t guessing. It must have transpired afterwards that he re ated this resu t to <red Bo. item%%B2"5 Besides the I:; data work# I had two other assignments that summer at 8a tech. Both were routine invo ving computers. Ene was on the Ja- reducing data on ga a-ies. (he other was on a sma computer and I don9t reca the nature of the data. item%%!620 I had arranged before the summer# working at 8a tech# to reside during the summer in a house in

&asadena. In the house there was a trip e and a sing e. I shared the trip e with two 8a tech grad students. (hese fe ows names were 'tuart and Di bert. (he sing e was occupied by a gir . In the first days of my occupancy I was visited by two friends from :8'8# Aay Di es and her boyfriend# 'teve 7ay or# both graduate students. 2s we were sitting in the iving room the gir who ived in the sing e came in and introduced herse f as Budina. 'he was about to become a co ege freshman and she said something about her father# >a-. 3e a ta ked for awhi e and Budina and I got a ong rea y we # and we found that we both p ayed musica instruments# she the ce o and me the c assica guitar. Before she eft# Budina invited me to be her guest in her apartment to isten to her practice. 2fter Budina eft# Aay had an urchinish smi e on her face and asked if I knew who >a-# her father# was. I said no and Aay said it was >a- De bruck# winner of the 1"5" 7obe &ri/e in physio ogy# and a 8a tech emeritus professor. item%%!446 I en.oyed very much sitting istening to Budina p ay the ce o. 3e decided it wou d be nice to find some duets to work on together. 3e started a .ourney to :'8 by bus to see their ibrary9s co ection of music# but we didn9t know the bus system we and the bus never came# after we had spent an hour sitting on the ground as there was no busbench# so we never got to try duets. But she invited me to a c assica guitar concert and we went# me driving her fami y9s car. En the way there she said to me 0Budina Batek wou d make a nice name for a musician.0 (his b atant hint surprised me and it changed my approach to Budina. $owever# I wasn9t ready to make a free path for her when I had made the path rocky for so many# and after her remark I was si ent. 'he was not as sharp y beautifu a gir as some I had dated# but her figure I found attractive. (emperamenta y we were good together# but no fireworks# so again# I considered it worth pursuing but sub.ect to a ot of conditiona s# such as her readiness for se- before marriage# which is now determined by me to be unnecessary. (he ogic of courting a very young gir I had not had a chance to work out and I didn9t recogni/e the specia re+uirements for care and consideration. 'ti # we continued a very strong re ationship for a ong time# inc uding a throughout home essness when everyone e se had abandoned me. In the back of my mind during a of it I was not on the same page se-ua y because I didn9t recogni/e I needed from the beginning an appreciation for her not wanting se-# for perfect y good reasons that I needed to adapt to but didn9t. I et the +uestion circu ate in my mind whi e pursuing a p atonic re ationship. 2fter the concert Budina wanted to go backstage and ta k to the performer# so we did. I he ped her get her +uestion out# which was how many hours a day did he practice. I don9t remember his figure but it was arge and this seemed to bother Budina. I think she had a strugg e with her own ob igations to succeed that came from her father9s success and fame. 'he wasn9t sure she was ready for the sacrifice she was beginning to see wou d be necessary for success in music. 'he was ready to think about it# and to position herse f shou d she decide to go for it# an approach that seems to me now to have been +uite inte igent. But was there the passionF (hat was a +uestion I asked myse f about her. I fai ed to find it and I have to say that if she had not had such a famous father I wou dn9t have devoted as much time to her. En the other hand# I was amp y rewarded by the time I did devote to her in that she was the on y person in the wor d who continued to nurture a re ationship with me throughout home essness# and without her I might not have made it through that with as much autonomy. 7ow I have rea i/ed the importance of ad.ustment to no se- in courting a young gir # without which my courtship of 8rysta 7ewe wou d have terminated.

Budina was a very courageous young ady. 'he commented to me during the car ride to the guitar concert that she had heard some noise recent y in the apartment. (his was sufficient y vague to seem to me that it referred to the sound of me masturbating# for which I had used my thoughts of Budina. >y room was right above her apartment. 2 more courageous man wou d have admitted this to Budina# and many facts wou d have entered into the conversation if I had come comp ete y c ean# even saying it was her I was thinking of. I chose to remain si ent. 3hen we got back to our house# her apartment and my apartment# I decided to see if there was any se-ua part in her interest in marriage# so I gestured her for an embrace. I was again surprised. 'he shook her hands and said forcefu y# 0I9m not interested.0 7ot the most e-pected of positions given an interest in marriage# but as I have suggested# I didn9t understand her youth. I said to her then# 0Eh# come on# Budina. 2 itt e hug for a friendF0 It was said in disappointment because it meant I was giving up the ine of action she had opened up with her comment about Budina Batek. 'he said ok and as I hugged her# gent y# she shuddered strong y. I was tota y out of touch with that. It seemed a most dishonest of her# considering her ear ier hint. >y error# in retrospect. item%%032? Budina invited me to her first paid performance# which was in the ce o section of a youth orchestra at an outdoors venu in Bos 2nge es somewhere. Before the concert I was treated to dinner by her parents. $er mother9s name was >annie# a so a scientist. 2 8a tech grad student of >r. De bruck a so came. 3e ate at a me-ican restaurant and during the mea when >r. De bruck said something to his wife and she asked him to repeat it# he got angry and shouted it so everyone in the restaurant cou d hear him. During the concert I ooked back at >r. De bruck at one point. I was on the ais e# on the right side# and he was on the ais e on the eft side further back# for some reason. $e ooked at me smi ing as he pretended to mimic the instrumenta so oist with his hands through a technica y difficu t but rythmic part. I thought this e-pressed a very different e-perience with music# one focused on technica bri iance# compared to mine# focused on yricism. I gave him ow marks for this. It may be my own neophytism# not his. It was a so an incidence of that nagging disbe ief I fe t about my association with 8a tech super atives. $e was so ready to e-press his euphoric fee ings with me# a nobody. 2fter the concert we went up to see Budina. 'he was e-hibiting her check for the concert and I kissed her on the cheek and said congratu ations. (his may have made an impression on her mother. 2s we were getting into the car# her mother said to me it wou d be ok for me to come visit Budina at their home. item%%8?14 I went over to the De bruck home for picnic unch. (he house was arge and I thought it might have been purchased with 7obe &ri/e money. It had a centra open air court where we had the picnic. I was asked to cook. 2s I s+uatted manipu ating the food >r. De bruck came by and asked me if I was an e-perienced barbe+ue chef. ;vident y I was etting my starstruck attempt to e-hibit mastery get the better of me. I saw I was caught red%handed and simp y said# no. During unch Budina reached over and sto e some food off >r. De bruck9s p ate. In an otherwise si ent mea this was noteworthy. $e said nothing. 'he was a itt e devi .

item%%B158 Before the De bruck picnic I was eating unch one day at the 8a tech 2theneum# an e-c usive% ike c ub# and# sitting at a arge tab e with severa 8a tech students# I said I was going to be eating at the De bruck9s for unch in a day or so. (he si ence was deafening and everyone ooked at me as if I was announcing the end of the wor d. It cou d have been .ea ousy. It cou d have been any number of things I was foreign to. 8a tech has a ot of cu tura e-c usivities# I found. item%%D02? Ene day on the 8a tech campus I ran into ;rnie >a amud in the co onnaded wa kway on the 3est end of campus. ;rnie had been the head of the physics arm of the <ermi ab >ain =ing group# so he was the boss of my boss# David <. 'utter. 3e made a date for unch in the 8a tech cafeteria. $e may not have known before that of my menta i ness since 1"64. I don9t reca seeing him during my ater summer .obs there# in 1"66 and 1"6?. $e was encouraging to ta k with# since he represented so much of my norma ife before the i ness# and his conversation was friend y. Dave 'utter had said once during my 1"61 or 1"62 summers at <ermi ab that ;rnie had been given an important administrative position somewhere# possib y in the :.'. ;nergy 8ommission# and Dave didn9t think ;rnie was a good enough administrator for the .ob. Dave cou d be a hothead# so I never gave much credence to this statement by him about ;rnie. 2s for Dave# though# he was a ways supportive of me# and on y .oked once about my s ow rate of doing things. $e and his wife# Dar een# had me out to unch once and once had me over to their house for dinner# so I was we hand ed by him# there is no doubt. item%%B08B 'omehow# during either the summer of 1"6" or the summer of 1"?0%%I was in &asadena for both%%I got together with an o d Ca e c assmate# Jon Jerison# for unch at a very popu ar eatery in &asadena. $e had gone to the same aw schoo as Darry Bruack# the one at :8 Berke y# and when the topic came up of Darry 9s death# of which I had heard from my father as discussed in segment 4200 idem id 2264# I said that I had heard that his parents had reported it as a hunting accident. Jon was struck by this and said he knew for a fact it had been suicide. Darry had come c ose to it before then so it wou d not have surprised me. It was a bit curious that the fami y wou d think they cou d maintain a cover story indefinite y and it seemed ike they were out of contro with it. I was not an insider there so I was eft to specu ate. item%%<6<! (he summer of 1"?0 I got word that my father had had a heart attack and a most died. It was his first. $e did die of the second on >ay 10# 1""". 2fter this first one I was singu ar y unmoved. I had never re ied on him for mora support so his oss was no crisis. item%%45D6 I was ca ed into the office# way in the back of the =adio 2stronomy bui ding# of one of the facu ty by the name of 2riah Aoenig . I forget the reason. I spoke to >r. Aoenig from his doorwayM he was in semi%shadows at his desk in the back of the room. In the few seconds I was there I was impressed by his appearance) very sensitive and stab e# dark haired# and moderate physi+ue# cu tured good ooks and manner of speaking# very attentive. item%%;;32 I was invited to the wedding of a :8'8 friend who a so ived in Dauss $ouse. It was he d in 3estwood# a wea thy part of Bos 2nge es# at the home of his fiancee. (he home was +uite amp e. 2t the wedding I met a young gir # 7ancy Doo itt e# who was very +uiet but ooked nice in her

refinements. 'he had beautifu red hair. 3e sat in the iving room ooking at coffee tab e books together. I suggested we take a wa k around the b ock and we did. 'he was very poised and +uiet. 2 few of the invitees went with the new yweds after the wedding to the site of the honeymoon%%the Oueen >ary II# permanent y docked in the harbor in that era. 7ancy and I were there. $er stepping through the ha s of the ship was very p easant to watch. I ca ed her on the phone on 8a tech9s tab ater and we ta ked for an hour. 'he was going off to co ege in the fa . I paid a visit to her home and met her step%mother. $er father Bob# whom I met at the wedding# was an astrophysicist working in industry. $er step%mother was Derman and comp ained about her husband spending a his free time working on his computer in the basement. $e said he was working on his own design for a word processor. 7ancy came in when she was ca ed and had nothing to say and that was the end of the visit. $er step% mother drove me home and in the car before I got out she said I shou d give 7ancy some time# she was sti young. (hat was my ast contact with the fami y. item%%?041 I met at 8a tech James &ayne# a young man who had some position there and had been a professor at Ca e9s astronomy department# if I9m not mistaken. $e was very encouraging about my going off to Ca e for graduate schoo . 3e had unch together at the 8a tech 2theneum. item%%<60" Ene day at the 2theneum I ran into =obert $oward# my boss at $a e Ebservatories during the summer of 1"6". I knew that his son# who had had a fondness for p aying basketba # had died tragica y recent y and I offerred my sympathy. $e to d me that the work I had participated in at $a e had been comp eted and the paper on it by himse f and postdoc Barry BaBonte had come out in the scientific .ourna # 'o ar &hysics# with a footnote thanking me for my part in it. I checked ater and saw that they had described my work as competent. (his wou d not have been read as a backhanded comp iment. 3ords go into scientific .ourna s with great se ectivity# and even e-pense# and I don9t think anyone in the profession wou d consider being competent any sort of handicap. It was mere y consistent with any kind of rea destiny that might emerge. item%%8"?3 I arranged for some of my fami y to come with me to see the 8a tech campus. (his inc uded my mother# Jane Batek# her mother# ; i/abeth 3i t# and my sisters# Bisa and Binda Batek. 2 gir I was dating# named Janice# who I had in my ba et c ass at the &asadena 'choo of Ba et ,or DanceF*# a so came. <irst we had unch# on my mother. 3a king through the campus I was struck by the triang e of awareness of posture of Janice# Betty# and myse f. I opened the door to the radio astronomy bui ding with my key and took them in and showed them most y .ust the computer room downstairs# which had big windows so you cou d rea y see the impressive# to me# array of big computers. (hey had a Ja-.

item%%863; (he ibrarian at the radio astronomy department was very he pfu to my sense of be onging# and invited me to have some goat9s mi k. 'he kept goats at home. (hey had a young b ack fe ow who worked in the ibrary and his story# as to d to me# was +uite unusua . (hey had hired him because of his story and his need. (his young man was iving in some sort of .eapardy in ;thiopia and stowed away aboard a ship to escape. $e hid in some ship feature ike an emergency boat or something for a week during the trip# without food or water. It was +uite tough. But he did escape# and came to the :.'. 7ice fe ow# had a ot of charm. item%%6320 I was working in my make%shift office in the radio astronomy department when professor 2me ia 'argent came in in a near y e-hausted rush# and passed throough to the inner office. I heard her then on the phone saying that she had .ust come from the radio observatory and they had gotten what she ca ed 0fringies0. It seemed to be a moment of some importance. <rom what I gather# fringies describes a pattern of the output of the radio te escope that marks achievement of enough stabi ity of the antenna array that some sort of interference patten# or fringies# emerges. (hose radio antennas for a radio te escope can be enormous. 'ome are arrays of dishes# or sing e dishes# and some are recti inear arrays. I presume the one >rs. 'argent was ta king about was a recti inear array. >rs. 'argent was very attractive. Just before I became home ess in 1""5 and was managing my possessions with desperation and no one to ta k to# I wi ed everything to >rs. 'argent. (he on y things of note were a the oi paintings I had showed at (ruman 8o ege in 7ovember of 1""5. Before eaving for the road# I destroyed a the paintings and as usua trashed everything. item%%515! Ene day I stopped at a Dunkin9 Donuts store to buy a donut and the emp oyee there was pert and I thought attractive# so I got into a conversation with her. 'he was <rench# with an accent# so being fond of <rench women from having bicyc ed so o in <rance# and fee ing good about her# I asked her out. 'he said yes. $er name was <rancoise < eurieu-. 'he was studying at &asadena 8ity 8o ege. I dated <rancoise +uite a bit that summer. (he first date# whi e sitting in her bedroom at the au pair home where she worked# she said something with the word 0sugar0 in a way that c ear y meant she wanted se-. 'o we started making out. (he coitus we engaged in was a ways in my bedroom where I ived. I reca buying condoms for my re ationship with <rancoise. I was with (erry Brown# my :8'8 friend. $e was skeptica that I wou d need# I think it was four do/en condoms# for a summer romance# but I bought them anyway. 3e used a of them. Eur first date was dinner at a restaurant in a arge home# with rea y common 2merican dishes on the menu. Ene date# she and I went out to some out ying suburb and it got very ate. 3e met a woman at a restaurant and she offerred for us to use the backyard of a house she had# to s eep. 'eems kind of strange now# but that9s what I reca . 3e dec ined the offer. I had the impression the ady was interested in a troika with us.

2nother date we went to an 2frican restaurant. item%%"B1" I took dance c asses at &asadena 'choo of Ba et ,or DanceF* every night after work. I paid for the a the c asses you can take option. I took modern# .a//# and ba et. (he teacher for modern# by the name of 8har ue# was socia y savvy. I thought she was cute# too# and one day got up a the nerve I cou d muster and asked her to have orange .uice with me at my home. 'he said no. It wou d have been beer and orange .uice# which I had discovered recent y. (his was my first time taking ba et. (he founder of the schoo stopped into our c ass one day and went around and checked everyone. 'he to d me to go for much# much more height in my open position. (his supercharged my dance efforts. (here was a gir in ba et c ass I iked. 'he was kind of sma and had a nice figure. I asked her out and she said yes. $er name was Janice. Ene date I took her to a dance performance. En another date we had drinks at a bar# sitting at a tab e. It was the first time I ever had a date at a bar. I sat there en.oying her company in a much more undistinguished way than I was accustomed to date someone# and this was very different for me. I was a so very aware of the fact that I was making decisions about money continuous y during the date. I had Janice back at my p ace and we got as far as her taking off her skirt# revea ing her eotard. I put my hand on her mons pubis and she said# 0you can9t.0 ,'he was 8atho ic.* I said 0I can# but I mayn9t.0 2t her car outside# I kissed her once and two more came automatica y# the first time I ever kissed a gir with that much inevitabi i ty. Just before the summer ended# I was getting ready for dance c ass when a gir dance student came to me and asked me if I wou d be her partner in the upcoming pas de deu- c ass. (his I thought was an e-treme y nice comp iment# but I had to dec ine# e-p aining that I was going off to graduate schoo . item%%?183 'omehow I had gotten the name of a psycho ogist# $erb 3iebe# to take group therapy from whi e in &asadena. $erb was a big# corpuscu ar guy# with an incomparab e heart. (he group sessions were kind of sedate# but I suppose I needed that. Ene of the gir s in the group who I iked# named Biticia# invited us a to a party and I went. (here I met her sister p aying ping pong and got rea y aggressive and she .umped to it and we had a good time. 'omeone gave her and me and someone e se a ride home and I asked her out. 'he said she a ready had three boyfriends. I said I had three gir friends ,actua y it was four) Budina# 7ancy# <rancoise# and Janice* so why notF But she said no. Bater# I ca ed $erb to ask him for Biticia9s phone number# but he hesitated and said he had been approached for that kind of thing before and had decided it was improper. item%%0348 2t the airport for my f ight to the ;ast for the start of astronomy graduate schoo I ca ed <rancoise to say goodbye# as I had not to d her when I was going. 'he was very upset that I was going. I was sorry I hurt her. @@item%%"4"1

1"?0 0" 01 to 1"?0 10 31 2ttended Ca e :niversity9s &h.D. program in astronomy. Did not get grades# as I eft before the first occurence of grades. &sychiatrist 2ndrea Aaufmann convinced me to take a eave of absense instead of dropping out a together. Bater# during home essness# I re+uested resumption of studies on the assumption I had been granted a eave. I was to d by >iss Aaufmann that she had never said she wou d get me a eave. I to d her supervisor# the head of psychiatry at Ca e9s hea th department# that I wou d get a restraining order pending suit so I cou d enro immediate y. $e was rendered off%center by this and said they wou d grant me the eave retroactive y. 8onfounded by the demands of home essness# however# I forgot comp ete y about reenro ing and did not. sub%item%%0D?2 I had been menta y i since summer of 1"64. &sychotropic medications 1"64%1""6 were e-treme y soporific# those that I took anyway. I went off my meds once in 1"6! and once in 1"?0. In the 1"6! case I eventua y ost my .ob. In the 1"?0 case I eventua y ost my student status at Ca e graduate schoo and became home ess for eight years. Bife under meds in either case wou d have been un iveab e and I do not regret either decision to stop taking them. (hey don9t ike to change your medication once you stabi i/e# so I wou d have been stuck with them forever# even though better ones are put on the market over time. 1"?0 0" 04 0 02 25 !? segment !000 1"?0 0" 05 0 05 25 24

item%%4625 (here was an orientation presentation for a graduate students in the auditorium be ow A ine (ower. I happened to speak with a gir sitting behind me and discovered she was ike me a graduate# though I had not yet rea y graduated# of :.8. 'anta 8ru/. 3e made a date. En our date I on y remember for the time spent at her apartment and my room. In my room I to d her I wanted to have se- with her and she said# 0EA. we can have se-.0 'he said she was having her period. >y mind was heading down the path to psychosis again and as we startted to pet I said to her# 0this is going to take a ong time.0 'he said back# 0don9t hurt me.0 (hen we had se-. 2fterward# I said to her I was fee ing as if I was in troub e menta y. 'he said# 0I know what your troub e is. It9s something you9re doing.0 I thought she rea y did know that# and that she knew what it was I was doing but didn9t want to te me. In her apartment I said something to her about our eterna y renewing virginity and she said it was the most beautifu thing a man had ever said to her. $er name was 8e este Berg. item%%131B I took three c asses as a &h.D. candidate in astronomy at Ca e) 'te ar &opu ations# Da actic Dynamics# and Denera =e ativity. (he first two were astronomy c asses and there were three students# a of my cohorts in graduate astronomy) myse f# 8hris Aing# a 8anadian# and Janet Canamaka# an 2merican. =e ativity was a physics c ass with arge attendance. item%%D48; (he first prob em in 'te ar &opu ations was the identification of ste ar c assifications from s ides of

their spectrograms. I stayed up a night working in the astronomy ibrary trying to do it by comparison of ines on a sing e s ide. (his was an error. I argued for my approach the ne-t day but no one wou d accept it. I got resu ts and that9s a that mattered to me. Beatrice (ins ey came in once ate in the night and she seemed driven by the devi . 2fter I had eft the department from i ness I got word she had died of cancer. item%%2<6; (he first prob em in Da actic Dynamics was to so ve a comp icated e+uation. I was deterred by the comp e-ity and never sat down to work on it. item%%?658 I never did any reading for my astronomy c asses. I did a itt e in re ativity once I was in the hospita . 2 that mattered to me was that I had the same birthday as 'tephen $awking# January ?. item%%B024 Beatrice (ins ey# the assistant director of graduate studies in astronomy# ca ed myse f and 8hris Aing# another of the three students in my c ass year# into her office. 'he said they needed someone to teach a section of introductory astronomy and she was ooking for a vo unteer. 8hris wasn9t moved. I was more than happy to do it# so I got the .ob. It paid G100 a month. (here was one c ass meeting each week. Beatrice a so said they were ooking for someone to serve on the graduate and professiona student senate. I took that too# but fee ing it was probab y taking e-tra curricu ars too far. I moved the section I taught from a c assroom to a seminar room in 3eir $a # an out of the way p ace. (he first meeting I had the students introduce themse ves. I to d them a so I was a Ca e a umnus. 2fter c ass one of the students came up to me outside and said his name was &ah avi and asked me not to revea this fact to anyone in the c ass. I agreed. &ah avi is the name of the 'hah of Iran# who had .ust recent y been ousted in Iran and came to the :nited 'tates to ive in e-i e. (his student ooked roya enough to be his son. I kept my promise not to disc ose his identity for many years but eventua y to d a few peop e. (he second meeting of the c ass was packed# twice as many students as the first meeting. But the third c ass meeting went back to the eve of the first c ass. 3e studied the ana emma and I knew from having had a subscription that 'ky and (e escope >aga/ine had had an issue with a photo# on the cover# of a se+uentia so ar image showing the form of the ana emma. I found the issue in the Ca e astronomy ibrary and brought it into c ass. (hey were most interested. Ene time a gir in the c ass asked me to visit her in her room for some he p. 3hen we met there she asked me a +uestion and I went through a so ution of the prob em s ow y# not knowing what the answer was. 2t the very ast part of the prob em I came to the wrong conc usion of two possib e and the student corrected me. I might have been embarrassed over this but if I was it was kind of s ight. 'he was a very attractive b ond and I had difficu ty restraining myse f from pursuing her. I attended on y one meeting of the student senate. It was poor y attended and from the comments of the officers they seemed to be having troub e in genera with getting students invo ved. 2cademics were more of a ife or death issue with graduate and professiona students and few were wi ing to serve.

1"?0 0" 05 0 05 25 24

segment !001

1"?0 0" 0? 0 10 2! !0

item%%!6D! Ene evening I went into 7ap es &i//a on 3a 'treet for a s ice of pi//a. 2fter fininshing I wa ked through the room where orders are p aced and there at a tab e was Danie a Dane i and three others# one of whom it turns out was Dino# the Dreek native Ca e grad who had been my riva for Danie a in my senior year# and was now her husband. Danie a gave me her phone number. 3e were f irting ike we a ways did. item%%83<? Ene of the first things I did as a graduate student at Ca e was to arrange for week y therapy with a psychiatrist at the $ea th 8enter. 'he was a pretty# young woman by the name of 2ndrea Aaufmann# Jewish. 2t one of our first meetings I was struck by the way she hand ed her b ouse in my presence. 'he seemed very su try. (his made it difficu t to view my time spent with her as therapy. 3e were ta king at one point about my need for a gir friend and she said to me# 0I9m not your pimp# Jim.0 >y reaction to that# unspoken# was# 0then are you my prostituteF0 1"?0 0" 0? 0 10 2! !0 segment !002 1"?0 0" 10 1 02 2! 15

item%%02D" I ca ed Danie a and we made a date to meet at a oca restaurant. 2t the restaurant she asked me what my ambitions were. Ef course the first thing I had to d her at 7ap es &i//a was about my being a &h.D. candidate in astronomy. (his +uestion was pure Danie a%% ooking for her best options. I didn9t trust her any more than I ever did and decided to give her some scraps%%that I wanted to be a department chairman some day%%instead of a good mea %%that what I rea y wanted to be was &resident of Ca e. I a so didn9t want to come off as grandiose# not a good impression for me# being menta y i . 1"?0 0" 10 1 02 2! 15 segment !003 1"?0 0" 12 1 05 24 42

item%%6<44 Ene day at the astronomy department I went into one of the grad student offices and there was a sma crowd gathered around a b ackboard. Ene of the fema e grad students was in the midst of a ong ca cu ation and had come to a snafu. (he board was covered with writing. I9m not sure how ong they had been there but I ooked over the board and found her error right away. I pointed it out to her and she was ha f%bothered# ha f%thankfu # as is perfect y natura . 1"?0 0" 12 1 05 24 42 segment !004 1"?0 0" 14 1 10 24 0?

item%%2110 Ene day in ste ar popu ations c ass the professor# Bob Linn# asked a +uestion of the c ass. I figured out the answer and gave it. 2pparent y I spoke too soft y and he didn9t hear me and gave the answer again to the who e c ass# e-act y what I had said. 1"?0 0" 14 1 10 24 0? segment !00! 1"?0 0" 16 0 02 23 34

item%%<520 Ene day in ga actic dynamics c ass with professor =ichard Barson professor Barson was ta king about the ca cu ations that show the mi ky way ga a-y is rotating. I saw that what he was saying about one ha f of the ga a-y was identica y true of the other# by reason of inear symmetric geometry in the argument given by &rofessor Barson. 3hen I pointed this out he was taken aback and said I was right. Bater that day in the astronomy ibrary my fe ow first year student Janet Canamaka had a showdown with me and asked me how I had come up with my idea about the ga a-y. I gave her the e-p anation# which she understood# and it seemed to put the matter to rest# but there was sti an undercurrent of incredu ity over it. 1"?0 0" 16 0 02 23 34 segment !005 1"?0 0" 1" 0 05 23 00

item%%<B<2 Besides ga actic dynamics and ste ar atmospheres I took a course in genera re ativity because I was interested in b ack ho es. I reca on y one c ass meeting where the teacher# Jince >oncrief# drew some ight trave paths on the board to use in his ecture. (he te-t was !ra)itation# by >isner# (horne# and 3hee er. 1"?0 0" 1" 0 05 23 00 segment !006 1"?0 0" 21 1 10 22 25

item%%6!D! (he astronomy department he d a reception in the top f oor at A ine Bio ogy (ower. (he room was the fu si/e of the bui ding f oor p an. 3e three first year students stuck together. It was a hushed tones and sma estab ished coteries. 1"?0 0" 21 1 10 22 25 segment !00? 1"?0 0" 23 1 02 21 !3

item%%D?;? Ene day the who e astronomy department# professors and graduate students# went to 7ap e9s &i//a for unch. 3e formed a ine of sing es# duos# and trip ets# strung out for a b ock or so. (he conversation at 7ap es was upbeat. 1"?0 0" 23 1 02 21 !3 segment !00" 1"?0 0" 2! 1 05 21 1"

item%%0!"B Ene night around midnight I took my guitar over to the 2stronomy Department. I figured it wou d be empty of persons and it was. I sat in the ha way and p ayed for a whi e. It was good acoustics. I remember during freshman year at Ca e 8o ege someone every so often# myse f inc uded# on the harmonica# wou d go out into the stairwe and p ay a musica instrument. It was good acoustics there too. 2 so# when I worked for $a e Ebservatories for the summer of 1"6" and ived in a 8a tech dorm I wou d sit out in the dorm stairwe and p ay my guitar. 2 gir in the dorm by the name of 'ten/i came up once to see who was p aying. 'he turned out to be an avid fo k dancer. 1"?0 0" 2! 1 05 21 1" segment !010 1"?0 0" 26 1 10 20 4!

item%%342D I invited an 2sian graduate student who ived where I did to go bicyc ing with me and she accepted. 3e went to 3est =ock &ark. En the descent I et my bicyc e go faster than hers and she disappeared in the

distance. 3e arrived back at home separate y. 3hen I found her in the dorm she was standing ta king to severa other students. 3hen she saw me she got very upset. I forget what if anything we said. (hen one night afterward I started to get psychotic and undressed comp ete y in my room. I istened to c assica music on the radio and pretended to conduct to it. (hen I went out into the ha # sti naked# went to the door of the gir I had abandoned at 3est =ock# and knocked. 'he opened the door a crack and when she saw me she gasped and shut the door. 1"?0 0" 26 1 10 20 4! segment !011 1"?0 0" 30 0 02 20 11

item%%D!?B 3hi e sitting amidst strangers in the cafeteria at the top of A ine Bio ogy (ower# I was sudden y gripped by a penetrating vibration at what seemed ike a fre+uencies. >y eyes were fi ed with ight of a fre+uencies too. I was eft unaffected# it seemed. 1"?0 0" 30 0 02 20 11 segment !012 1"?0 10 02 0 05 1" 36

item%%64D1 $aving gone off medication# I eventua y started to re apse into menta i ness. I checked my o d bott e of >e ari and there was on y one pi eft. I swa owed it and it had itt e effect. I continued to re apse. I was aroused by a phone conversation I had with a university emp oyee in the physica p ant office and went there to ook for her. It was psychosis. In the stairwe I saw an undergraduate gir and faked a fa to touch her. 'he ye ed at me# 0what9s your nameF0 I aughed and said# 0meI0 (hen she said# 0I9m ca ing the po ice.0 I eft the bui ding# rea i/ed I was psychotic# and checked into the Ca e $ea th & an inpatient ward. item%%?46D I got a phone ca at the $ea th & an from a Ca e po ice officer. I right away to d him I knew what he was ca ing about and I had checked in at the $ea th & an and was very sorry about what had happened and hoped the gir was a right. $e said they wou d eave it at that. item%%"B<1 2s a patient at the Ca e $ea th & an my friend Danie a Dane i# Ca e 1"65 I be ieve# found out somehow I had been admitted and came to visit# bringing with her &ame a ;dmonds# a patho ogist in the same department at Ca e17ew $aven $ospita that Danie a9s husband# Dino# was in. &ame a winked at me. I asked for her phone number and she gave it to me. 3hen I was re eased from the $ea th & an I ca ed her and we went out. 1"?0 10 02 0 05 1" 36 segment !013 1"?0 10 04 0 10 1" 03

item%%0;D2 I took &am ;dmonds to a popu ar Dreek restaurant in the 7ortheast part of town. item%%<1;3 &am ;dmonds took me in her car out a ways from 7ew $aven into the countryside to an app e orchard

where you picked your own app es before buying them. 3e picked a coup e bushe s. I was fee ing kind of neg igent about my growing work oad for schoo # but ove was e+ua y important to me as work# so I went app e picking and tried to ignore the worry. 1"?0 10 04 0 10 1" 03 segment !014 1"?0 10 05 1 02 1? 2"

item%%05<" I took &am ;dmonds to a concert at 3oo sey $a . =ight after we sat down# and I was definite y aware that I had been subt y putting her into her p ace inte ectua y# whether or not it was va id# she said to me# 0I9m .ust as inte igent as youI0 It was most y a Ca e thing. 'he went to some schoo in Iowa# I think it was# undergrad or med schoo # I don9t remember. Ene of those very rigid things you ac+uire at Ca e 8o ege. It can be usefu # when the wor d is te ing you your a f op. Cou ignore a ot of that# which can buy time. 2nyway# I said something pa try back to her and it never occupied our conversation again# which means nothing. 1"?0 10 05 1 02 1? 2" segment !01! 1"?0 10 0? 1 05 16 !!

item%%2612 &ame a ;dmonds invited me over to the home where she was iving# as a house sitter# I be ieve# for dinner. 'he made artichoke for us# my first time eating them. 2n awfu ot of troub e# ripping the meat off the eaves with your teeth# I thought. 7ow I buy hearts in a .ar and ike them very much# thanks to &am. 2fter dinner we ay side by side at a fire in the firep ace. 2 itt e necking# no intention of more. I noticed she was very pointed y stressed in genera . I thought it might be her medica know edge interfering with her ove ife. I never dated a doctor before. >y emotiona stature was not greater than hers and there was no grounds for me to .udge her stresses. It was .ust an id e observation that has been retained. item%%<!?< &ame a ;dmonds and I went one 'unday to a 'unday service at one of the three churches on the 7ew $aven Dreen# the norther y one. 3e sat on the right side ooking at the front of the room# about ha f% way back. 2 the seats were in bo-es# ike at a ba park# on y the dividers were wood painted white. I wore a suit and &ame a wore something nice I be ieve. I don9t think we spoke to anyone e-cept for perhaps greeting the greeters at the entrance on arriva and or departure. It was a nice day. It a struck me as significant because my fami y goes back in 2merica to 1565 and these three churches must have been bui t around then. I didn9t mention my fami y to &ame a. 1"?0 10 0? 1 05 16 !! segment !015 1"?0 10 10 1 10 16 22

item%%18!6 En a date to some p ace near 8hape 'treet# &am ;dmonds and I got out of her parked car# she on the driver9s side# and when I got to the sidewa k I was sei/ed by a fee ing of vio ence toward universa space and threw the ob.ect I was carrying# some sort of pack# down onto the sidewa k with great force# tota y ine-p icab y to &am.

I think it was a direct effect of my asting obsession with my re.ection by Aaren $uenemann in .unior high. <ina y it got to the stage# here with &am# of anger venting as physica vio ence. (he civi enshroudments fortunate y were sufficient to prevent any actua harm to anyone coming of it. (he events of my first graduate schoo psyotic break# where I pretended to bump into a Ca e coed in the stairwe of a Ca e office bui ding# wou d appear to have the same genesis# but more harrowing and c oser to actua harm# since they were first to the incident with &am9s second. 2pparent y after the first event happened# my abstract mind oosened the choke ho d a itt e# brought about the second event with more space between me and the gir # and took advantage of the space and re ative 0safety0 to a ow a more vio ent e-pression. I don9t want to seem not devoted to addressing the needs of the two gir s invo ved. But before I can ever make amends in a correct way I need to take care of business with my own patho ogica situation stemming# as I have said# from my re.ection by Aaren# supposing of course that I am right about that being the origin of the big prob ems in my ife# and noting that the fau t is with myse f# not Aaren. 1"?0 10 10 1 10 16 22 1"?0 10 13 0 02 15 4? 1"?0 10 1! 0 05 15 14 segment !016 segment !01? segment !01" 1"?0 10 13 0 02 15 4? 1"?0 10 1! 0 05 15 14 1"?0 10 16 0 10 1! 40

item%%<2D8 =ea i/ing I was having a psychotic re apse again# I went into the Ca e $ea th & an as an inpatient again. (hey changed my medication again. item%%2?43 2t the $ea th & an I was sitting in the patient re a-ation room# which was sma and had some arge# rectangu ar# p astic chairs# and f oor to cei ing windows in a corner ocation# and p aying my guitar# when I said to a ady sitting there%%she was either a nurse or an aide%%that I wanted to be &resident of Ca e. 'he went into hysterica aughter# and never ta ked to me again. I find her reaction a gross vio ation of academic propriety. 2ny &h.D. or candidate for it must be considered enough of a possib e candidate for a university presidency that to augh at it amounts to a vio ation of sense. It can on y be e-p ained by unknown e-traneous facts# such as my being on a b ack ist. 1"?0 10 16 0 10 1! 40 segment !020 1"?0 10 1" 1 02 1! 05

item%%6<88 2 third stay in the $ea th 8enter occurred because of another re apse and this time it got to me that this graduate schoo thing was not working out. I decided to +uit and when my psychiatrist# 2ndrea Aaufmann# came in I to d her so. 'he was against it. I persisted# and she said then I ought to take a eave of absence instead of +uitting outright. 2t first I said no# but she persisted and I fina y agreed to it. 1"?0 10 1" 1 02 1! 05 1"?0 10 21 1 05 14 32 1"?0 10 23 1 10 13 !? segment !021 segment !022 segment !023 1"?0 10 21 1 05 14 32 1"?0 10 23 1 10 13 !? 1"?0 10 25 0 02 13 24

1"?0 10 25 0 02 13 24 1"?0 10 2? 0 05 12 !1 1"?0 10 30 0 10 12 16

segment !024 segment !02! segment !025

1"?0 10 2? 0 05 12 !1 1"?0 10 30 0 10 12 16 1"?0 11 01 1 02 11 43

item%%2D<< >y mother and sister Bisa came out from 82 to take me back from Ca e graduate schoo where I had re apsed into menta i ness. I had ca ed a psycho ogist in B2# $erb 3iebe# with whom I had taken group therapy and he suggested I come to stay at a menta hospita where he was on ca . I accepted. (his hospita # he said# was so good it got a ot of ce ebrities as patients. (he name of it was Ing eside >enta $ea th 8enter. item%%18<1 3ith my mother# Jane Batek# and sister# Bisa# departed 7ew $aven# 8(# and f ew from 7ew Cork# 7C# to Bos 2nge es# 82. 3e were driven from the airport by my mother9s brother9s wife# 3i ma 3i t# to my mother9s apartment in >ira Boma# 82. >y be ongings eventua y arrived# probab y in =iverside# 82# from 7ew $aven# 8(# via bus and we picked them up in my mother9s car and took them to her apartment where we p aced them in a c oset. item%%188< Began a one%month stay at Ing eside >enta $ea th 8 inic in Bos 2nge es# 82. 1"?0 11 01 1 02 11 43 segment !026 1"?0 11 03 1 05 11 0"

item%%2!4< During a dance therapy session with a staff member and one or two other patients# a gir s# we were sitting on the f oor of a very sma dark room and my memories went back to a the passion I had put into dance over my ife. I was struck by the waste of it a now that I was stymied in ife by menta i ness# and I began to sob. It asted for a good five minutes and the staff commented to the others that dance can bring out deep fee ings in peop e. 2 i tt e ater this staff# who I thought was very attractive# suggested she and I meet at her home for therapy. I immediate y considered that she had been impressed with my passion whi e crying and wanted to start a re ationship of intimacy with me. I agreed to it and we went to the administration to see if it was permitted and they said no. 1"?0 11 03 1 05 11 0" 1"?0 11 0! 1 10 10 3! 1"?0 11 0? 0 02 10 01 1"?0 11 10 0 05 0" 26 1"?0 11 12 0 10 0? !3 1"?0 11 14 1 02 0? 1" segment !02? segment !02" segment !030 segment !031 segment !032 segment !033 1"?0 11 0! 1 10 10 3! 1"?0 11 0? 0 02 10 01 1"?0 11 10 0 05 0" 26 1"?0 11 12 0 10 0? !3 1"?0 11 14 1 02 0? 1" 1"?0 11 15 1 05 06 45

1"?0 11 15 1 05 06 45 1"?0 11 1? 1 10 06 12 1"?0 11 21 0 02 05 3? 1"?0 11 23 0 05 05 04 1"?0 11 2! 0 10 0! 30 1"?0 11 26 1 02 04 !5

segment !034 segment !03! segment !035 segment !036 segment !03? segment !03"

1"?0 11 1? 1 10 06 12 1"?0 11 21 0 02 05 3? 1"?0 11 23 0 05 05 04 1"?0 11 2! 0 10 0! 30 1"?0 11 26 1 02 04 !5 1"?0 11 2" 1 05 04 22

item%%56<8 2 gir arrived as a patient at the hospita who I met and we began a romance. $er name was Jonanne >i igan. $er maiden name was $annon. 'he was an B&7. 'he was in for a coho ism. 'he ater described seeing me for the first time as mesmeri/ing# my term. $er terms were more fo ksy. 3e wou d watch (J together and her companionship made me very witty ta king about the programs# making up .okes about them. 'he said to someone# 0he9s got a mi ion of them.0 Jonanne measured my midd e finger and said it was indicative of the si/e of a person9s se- passion. 'he seemed p eased wtih mine. 3e made p ans for me to visit her at her apartment when we got out. 'he ived in Bos 2nge es. 1"?0 11 2" 1 05 04 22 segment !040 1"?0 12 01 1 10 03 4?

item%%21!< I had been paying for ma.or medica hea th insurance as a student and knew this gave me coverage for two months of inpatient menta hospita i/ation instead of one. 2fter one month at this hospita # by the name of Ing eside >enta $ea th 8enter# I was informed by the office staff that my one month was up and I had to be discharged. 7o amount of p eading was ab e to convince them I had paid for two months. (he counse ing staff at the hospita had to d me I needed to stay another month# that I wasn9t ready to eave. item%%20"3 Began a five%day road trip from the Bos 2nge es# 82# area to :8'8 in 'anta 8ru/# 82. (rave ing companion (erry Brown drove me in his own car# a per+uisite car from his emp oyer# some aerospace company. 1"?0 12 01 1 10 03 4? 1"?0 12 04 0 02 03 1! segment !041 segment !042 1"?0 12 04 0 02 03 1! 1"?0 12 05 0 05 02 41

item%%8B01 Began a stay of five days at the apartment in Bos 2nge es# 82# of Jonanne >i igan. 3e had p anned this when we were patients at Ing eside >enta $ea th 8enter in Bos 2nge es.

(erry Brown drove me there when we got back from our trip to 'anta 8ru/ and :8'8. 3hen we arrived I found Jonanne in the spare bedroom# drunk. Ignoring her condition# I immediate y got passionate with her# aying down with her on the f oor and starting to make out. (erry took his cue and departed. Jonanne9s son# >ichae # was very young and happened to be in this bedroom at the time. I was disturbed for Jonanne at the +ua ity of her home. It was kitschy and I had a better opinion of her. Eur ove making was a she seemed interested in# when she did say something coherent. I was g ad of it. I a so intended to do what I cou d about her hea th. Ence I stood at the side of her ay%away in the sma iving room# naked# and she ay in the bed. 3hen I saw that she saw me naked# and the way she ooked at me# my penis became erect within a coup e seconds. >ichae was in that ay%away with us for a ot of the time. (his seemed to me somehow not he pfu at his age# but I didn9t discuss po icies ike this with Jonanne. item%%16<; Jonanne and I went to the supermarket in her car. 3ine was her primary interest# and she was heavi y drunk. 'he got a few other things. In the car on the e-pressway coming back with Jonanne at the whee the car careened from ane to ane. I watched# not knowing if there was anything I cou d do. 3e were ucky to get home a ive. item%%2680 I decided to make rea y nutritious soup for Jonanne to get her to start eating hea thy. I made it in a big pot and put in every kind of vegetab e I cou d find in her kitchen. 'he ate a itt e of it. item%%14;2 Jonanne has a photo of herse f from high schoo that shows a different gir # a coo # deep%seated y g amorous one. 1"?0 12 05 0 05 02 41 1"?0 12 0? 0 10 02 06 segment !043 segment !044 1"?0 12 0? 0 10 02 06 1"?0 12 10 1 02 01 33

item%%6!"B (hinking it was the +ua ity of her home decor that was c ose to the root of her prob ems I sudden y went on a binge of tearing down a the kitsch# the curtains and bric%a%brac tab e in a curvi inear shape. I rea y got into it. I even got ecstatic about the progress I saw# and shouted out# 08onstructionI0 which was a .oke referring to a the destruction I was doing. 3ithout the kitsch# her apartment was definite y ess# and more# I thought. I got so into a destructive menta ity that my body movements became automatic and# moving in steady sweeps# my fist went through a window that was painted shut. (he air in the p ace had been stu tifying. (he apartment manager came by and saw the mess and got furious. I tried to e-p ain and said

something about her fee ings. I considered him and his kitschy apartment to be the prob em# so the conversation was at the forefront of the batt e. $e said# 0fuck fee ingsII0 Jonanne came out from the back bedroom in her stupor and the manager said to her# 0this isn9t ike you# Jonanne.0 I ca ed (erry Brown to ask him to come and pick me up# as I had nothing more to say or do there. $e arrived soon and we sat in the iving room and ooked around at the mess and he wondered a oud what on earth had happened. (hen we swept a the mess up into one pi e# and eft. item%%264D >oved in with my mother# Jane Batek# and sister# Bisa# in >ira Boma# 82. 1"?0 12 10 1 02 01 33 1"?0 12 12 1 05 00 !" 1"?0 12 14 1 10 00 2! 1"?0 12 16 0 01 !" !1 1"?0 12 1" 0 0! !" 16 1"?0 12 21 0 0" !? 43 1"?0 12 23 1 01 !? 10 1"?0 12 2! 1 0! !6 35 1"?0 12 26 1 0" !6 02 1"?0 12 30 0 01 !5 2? 1"?1 01 01 0 0! !! !4 segment !04! segment !045 segment !046 segment !04? segment !04" segment !0!0 segment !0!1 segment !0!2 segment !0!3 segment !0!4 segment !0!! 1"?0 12 12 1 05 00 !" 1"?0 12 14 1 10 00 2! 1"?0 12 16 0 01 !" !1 1"?0 12 1" 0 0! !" 16 1"?0 12 21 0 0" !? 43 1"?0 12 23 1 01 !? 10 1"?0 12 2! 1 0! !6 35 1"?0 12 26 1 0" !6 02 1"?0 12 30 0 01 !5 2? 1"?1 01 01 0 0! !! !4 1"?1 01 03 0 0" !! 20

item%%151< >oved into the spare bedroom at the apartment of my grandmother# Betty 3i t. (he apartment was in 8 aremont# 82. item%%42<< >y mother# Jane Batek# and sister# Bisa# had driven me to Betty 3i t9s apartment. 2t the door was my mother9s brother# 3i iam <. 3i t# in a state resembing rabidity. $e attempted to b ock me from entering the apartment. Betty interposed herse f between us and admitted me over his ob.ections. 'he was coo # but registered ruff ed seriousness. 3i iam eft# and so did my mother and sister. 1"?1 01 03 0 0" !! 20 segment !0!5 1"?1 01 0! 1 01 !4 45

item%%B"26 Ene evening when I was heading off to the guest bedroom to retire and my grandmother# Betty 3i t#

was wa king around in the iving room I had a sense of se-ua attraction to her. It certain y wasn9t comfortab e# but I cou dn9t avoid it. It continued as I got into bed and I actua y considered# with .ust a itt e rea intent# acting on it with her. But I gave it carefu consideration and was very certain it was a path that wou d prove disastrous. (hen I dea t with the arousa . $aving dismissed action with Betty# I now faced the threat of an urge to masturbate with her in mind. I had a tendency to be weak when faced with an urge to masturbate# but in this case# especia y with nothing to catch the semen# I made a the necessary decisions to prevent it. (he attitude her son# Bi 3i t# took on toward me about this time# of e-treme be itt ement# taken together with his animosity for my taking up as a ive%in guest with Betty# marks this threesome of them p us me an ana ogy with Esiris# Isis# and 'eth# of ancient ;gypt as myse f# Betty# and Bi . (he e-perience I had on two occasions surrounded by academic popu ations# of hearing and seeing a fre+uencies and being shaken to my bones# makes a comp ete ana ogy between myse f and Esiris. >y wandering home ess is part of the ana ogy. (he two cases of being shaken to my bones are discussed in segment !011# item id D!?B# and segment 5!00# item id 3D;B. 1"?1 01 0! 1 01 !4 45 segment !0!6 1"?1 01 06 1 0! !4 12

item%%;B43 I put together a itt e book et of my poetry using my grandmother Betty 3i t9s typewriter. I put in it a dedication to two beings) Jonanne >i igan and a hummingbird. Jonanne was the nurse I met when we were both patients at Ing eside >enta $ea th 8enter in Bos 2nge es .ust before I became home ess. 'he and I hooked up for a week in her apartment in Bos 2nge esM see segment !042# items 8B01# 16<;# 2680# and 14;2# p us segment !044 item 6!"B# p us segment 4064 items 25B1 and D062. (he hummingbird appeared in the back yard of my Drandmother Betty 3i t9s apartment in 8 aremont# 82. I began to cry and it et oose some feces. (his taught me that there was a connection between the passions and body f uid contro . In the dedication I ca ed the hummingbird a >aster and wished him or her sun and ove. I get a 8 aremont bookstore to accept severa copies of the poetry book et on a commission basis. 7one se . (he tit e of the book was 08onspicuous 8ontro ed 8onfusion.0 (his is a p ay on 0contro ed fusion#0 which I have some know edge of as a physics student. item%%2?B; >y grandmother Betty 3i t says to me# 0I9ve tasted f esh#0 with a deep# spirited# more deep than spirited# ook. item%%2025 >y grandmother Betty 3i t says to me two things# on different occasions# about her deceased husband# =obert 3i t. 1* $e was a .ockey. 2* 0$e ki ed my ove.0 with the emphasis on 0ki ed.0 =obert died in about 1"!?# I don9t know how. >y mother said Betty was in ove with her# Betty9s# boss# Binco n 8ahn. item%%3822 >y grandmother Betty 3i t takes some do ar bi s of mine and straightens them out# remonstrating me about keeping my money more presentab e. ;ventua y# years ater# I think back on this remonstrance and decide to keep every minute fo d out of my bi s# putting a creased corner of a bi between a fingernai and a finger pad and compressing them to iron out the crease# rep acing a crease from edge to

edge with a crease from very corner to inside the corner# one that wi not diminish the rectang e of the bi . 1"?1 01 06 1 0! !4 12 1"?1 01 0" 1 0" !3 3" segment !0!? segment !0!" 1"?1 01 0" 1 0" !3 3" 1"?1 01 12 0 01 !3 0!

item%%255< >oved into the master bedroom of a house# as a tenant of another ma e resident of three residents in a # the third a gir and the two of these others students at the 8 aremont 8o eges. 1"?1 01 12 0 01 !3 0! segment !050 1"?1 01 14 0 0! !2 31

item%%"<<2 'tarted my .ob as a gardener at 8 aremont 8o eges in 8 aremont# 82. It was a temporary position. 1"?1 01 14 0 0! !2 31 1"?1 01 15 0 0" !1 !6 1"?1 01 1? 1 01 !1 23 segment !051 segment !052 segment !053 1"?1 01 15 0 0" !1 !6 1"?1 01 1? 1 01 !1 23 1"?1 01 20 1 0! !0 4"

item%%D60? 3as ooking out into the backyard from my bedroom in the house in 8 aremont# 82# where I had been iving for one week# and was istening on the radio to the inauguration of &resident =ona d =eagan. It was January 20# 1"?1. 1"?1 01 20 1 0! !0 4" segment !054 1"?1 01 22 1 0" !0 1!

item%%2228 'aw a poster in 8 aremont for ectures at a Cogi9s ashram in town. 3ent to one. (he master of the ashram was not present and one of his students ta ked. (heir yoga was ca ed Aarma Coga# or the yoga of good works# I be ieve. (he founder of the group was 'ri 2urobindo# and the master here was one of his students. <or some reason I was ab e to make an appointment for a private audience with the master. 1"?1 01 22 1 0" !0 1! segment !05! 1"?1 01 2! 0 01 4" 41

item%%"!;< 3as fired from my gardener9s .ob. 1"?1 01 2! 0 01 4" 41 segment !055 1"?1 01 26 0 0! 4" 0?

item%%B"50 Before eaving my home I went for my private audience with the Cogi in 8 aremont. $e had been i and gone to Dermany# I be ieve# for treatment. $e .oked about it and said that he viewed the pain he had been in as not bad because it was on y 20S of his body that was painfu . 3e ta ked a one in the front iving room. $e got up at one point and put some ogs in the burning fire in

the firep ace. 2t another point a che a# or student# came in with some ice tea for us. I e-p ained that I had ost my .ob and was about to become home ess. $e suggested I come to ive in his ashram. I said I had a gir friend. $e said bring her with. I aughed ight y and said# no# that wou dn9t work. Jonanne was not ready for yoga. I knew .oining the ashram wou d be a ma.or ife constraint. I a so didn9t see the point in making a spiritua commitment .ust to avoid inpending persona disaster. 3e ta ked some about my various ove affairs# of which I noted there had been some very young and some very o d. $e remarked that it is best for the over to be much o der or much younger. 3hen it became obvious I was dead set on going home ess# he said# 0the highest yoga in the wor d is not to fit in.0 I was fami iar enough with a the branches of yoga and buddhism that I knew that it was very common for adherants of one schoo to describe it as being in a certain position of advancement compared to other schoo s. 'o the yogi9s comment put a this comparing into a esser circ e than the one I was entering. It guaranteed that I was on so id footing and enab ed me to put my unc e 3i t9s parade of be itt ements into perspective# as far as how I had gotten where I was and where I might be going. 3hen the conversation ended we got up and wa ked over to the tab es of books for sa e to the pub ic# inc uding books by and about 'ri 2urobindo# the schoo 9s founder. (he master picked up one by 2urobindo and said something about it# but I was in a state unready to entertain the idea of sitting down and reading such a arge te-t# and I suspected that he wasn9t either# so I asked# 0wou d I read this for meaning or wou d I .ust scan a the words throughoutF0 $e said .ust scan it. I knew from his answer I wou d have nothing to earn at his ashram that I cou dn9t earn home ess. I had more important designs for my time than mind ess y scanning a book. En the other hand# his candor was admirab e. 2t the door as I was eaving he stopped to say# 0you9 be a great man someday.0 I thought to myse f that I a ready was great# which was more of a oan on future deve opment# so I said# 0perhaps# someday#0 smi ed# and ooked at his eyes where tears were beginning to fa . $e knew something about the path I was setting out on# a certain one of enormous difficu ties and unforeseeab e obstac es# and his fraterna gesture was va uab e beyond measure. En the strength of his send%off I entered the path of initiation# a ta e .ust a sma pace down the road. item%%B<?" <or some reason# 3i iam <. 3i t# my mother9s brother# picked me up in his car and drove me somewhere. Before I got out# he said to me# insidious y and with muff ed bad wi # 0you need to work.0 I knew from his behavior at the threshho d of Betty 3i t9s apartment that he had turned on me# and I gathered he meant 0hard abor# breaking rocks0. I ref ected on the fact that as president of a ma.or aeorspace company# Denera # he wou d have been ab e to get me a .ob# since I had comp eted a my studies for a physics B.2.# so my working was not what he wanted. 3hat he wanted was my suffering# based on what he manifest y saw as my fai ure to make good on a the opportunities I had ever had# and thus my usefu ness on y for a much ower grade of emp oyment than those I had been pursuing. $e a so seemed to be reacting to my wi ingness to re a- and be home ess and try something different for a change# with the iberty that brought being in his view nothing but a product and reward of irresponsibi ity# the cure to which# he must have be ieved# certain y was 0hard abor and breaking rocks0. I then said to him# 0I ha)e worked# :nc e Bi .0 and got out of the car.

1"?1 01 26 0 0! 4" 0?

segment !056

1"?1 01 2" 0 0" 4? 34

item%%!11< 2fter the unsuccessfu garage sa e of everything I owned# my and ord# one of the two other boarders in the ranch%sty e house where I had ived since ending my stay at Betty 3i t9s home# was not p eased and my te ing him he cou d have everything as rent didn9t he p# but there was nothing to be done about it. I wa ked away home ess for the very first time. item%%2250 $ome ess in 8 aremont I found that there were a fair number of orange trees around town and whether they were in season I don9t know but there were some oranges and I ate some of them. I app ied for work at a p ace or two# but that was it# in 8 aremont. I thought I wou d see if I cou d .ust get in out of the e ements for a few moments at the home of my mother9s brother# 3i iam <. 3i t# in 8 aremont# not knowing the e-treme severity of his new opinion of me. I appeared at his door. (he door opened .ust a bit and my unc e stuck his head out. It was udicrous. (hen he opened the door enough to s ip out without my having enough room to eap past him and start destroying everything in the house# which is what my unc e9s behavior showed he e-pected me to do. $e was tota y off ba ance. I saw this and grounded myse f to offset his ead. I put one hand cupped in the other and became ref ective. >y unc e mirrored this behavior# I suppose because he was such a ight weight that any strong ead struck him s+uare on his ba s. $e said something whimpy# I don9t reca what I said in rep y# and he snuck back into his house making it c ear he feared for his ife. (his raises consciousness. $ome ess peop e and crimina s are differentiated by things that for some peop e make no difference. 3hen you ose the endorsement of your fami y# you no onger have any endorsement whatsoever. (his point was ost on me at the time# even unti a week ago when I met a man who eft home at 15 and became a crimina . $e istened to a itt e of my story and pronounced with certainty# 0Cup. Cou9re a crimina # .ust ike me.0 I wasn9t .ust scorned by my unc e. I was caste as as much a crimina as if I had been put in prison for the rest of my ife. 'o that is where I wi a ways be in his egacy9s view. (here is so much suffering and pain he wou d want me to go through to work my way out of this caste that I9m sure he wou d be +uite wi ing to be ieve it wou d be impossib e to do so# and no regrets. Jeri y# he wou d not understand regret. 'o I wi make his egacy fee regret. I wi vi ify his name to the end of time and to the farthest p ace. I wi scramb e up upon the threshho d of a new wor d and I wi c aim it as the and where Bi 3i t9s name is b ack# abso ute temperature /ero. $is fo owers wi sting when they are hit# if they own up to fo owing him. (hey wi writhe in agony in their miserab e impotent sanctuary if they run. (hey wi se their trophies to pay for passage to the hinter and# and there they wi earn that they are prohibited from ever returning# and then# when the nove ty of victory wears off my brow# I wi assign them a to appropriate punishments. (he best medicine avai ab e wi assure they serve a ong ife sentence of these indescribab e tortures. By act of Batek.

1"?1 01 2" 0 0" 4? 34

segment !05?

1"?1 01 31 1 01 4? 00

item%%542! I went once to the 8 aremont 8o eges to visit Budina De bruck# who was a freshman at one of the co eges. 3e had a ta k outside sitting at a tab e. I said to her# 0It9s good to see you# Budina.0 and the birds came in and ca ed out and Budina c ucked a rep y. item%%!DD8 I spend one evening sitting outside the door of the 8 aremont &ub ic Bibrary. I work on the impossib e task of s+uaring the circ e in my head as I have no paper or penci . In the morning the c eaning ady arrives through some other entrance and starts to work. 'he disappears# reappears# and brings me a cup of coffee. I thank her. item%%?81? In a sma vacant fie d between downtown 8 aremont and the 8 aremont 8o eges I sit by a tree. I figure the three things of interest between two ife forms and the appropriate gestures a $. sapiens wou d make for them. (hey are) 1* she ter# the hand cupped with the open side down. 2* sustenance# the hand cupped with the open side up. 3* guidance# the inde- finger pointing. (here are some birds that and nearby. I give the three gestures to them. item%%8;?4 In the same fie d where I figured the three gestures of aid to another iving being I spend the night under the same tree where I figured. I masturbate to the thought of >ari yn >onroe. Bater that night# I hear coming from the rear of the ad.acent house the sounds of a young coup e having se-ua intercourse. 1"?1 01 31 1 01 4? 00 segment !05" 1"?1 02 02 1 0! 46 25

item%%6?82 I was wa king away from 8 aremont 8o eges when I was struck by the gravity of my situation# eaned over to ook at some p ants# and gave a huge wincing ye p and said# 0I ove the earth.0 It was seeming as if no one cared or knew that I fe t that way. item%%1!28 It was getting dark and I was wa king by a church near the corner of 3. 4th 'treet and Ca e 'treet in 8 aremont. I decided to try the door and get in out of the co d for the evening. It opened and I went in. I sat down in the sanctuary on a pew and remained there a night# without s eeping. In the midd e of the night as I sat there# the si ence was broken in my head by the deep# booming sound of a man9s voice saying# on my eft side# 0Does he wish to be an initiateF0 (hen there was another such deep man9s voice on my right saying# 0$e does.0 Bater# I read an occu t book by 2 ice 2nn Bai ey ca ed# Initiations# $uman and 'o ar. In it she described the process by which a person advanced from one eve of spiritua attainment to another. (here is one master of a high degree on the right and another on the eft and they say words of initiation. (here is a certain important distinction between the &ath of Discip eship and the &ath of Initiation. 2 are discip es# from the ow iest aspirant to even the 8hrist himse f. 2nyway# that9s what 2 ice 2nn Bai ey teaches.

I am not re igious. I attribute this initiation e-perience to natura phenomena. 2t the time I was agnostic. (here was p enty of time to think about such things in the years to come. In the morning as I eft the church I heard a voice# more norma in tone and resonance# say# 0the baptism of fireI0 I ater e-perienced an initiation by two fema e voices# not big ones as these ast ones were# as discussed in segment !300# item DD!D. (he words spoken were the names of two prominent fema e 2mericans. 1"?1 02 02 1 0! 46 25 segment !060 1"?1 02 04 1 0" 45 !2

item%%2<22 I took an opportunity seeing a free newspaper bo- to ook at the he p wanted ads. I noticed one for a horse caretaker at a ranch in the 'an Bernardino mountains. $ow I had money for a phone ca I don9t reca but I did# and ca ed the ranch. I ta ked to the owner# Barbara =ovira. 'he said she was wi ing to see me. 'o I wa ked 30 to !0 mi es to see her. item%%6433 By nighttime I had reached the 'an Bernardino mountains. 8ontinuing to wa k towards Barbara =ovira9s ranch into the night# I passed under a bridge that was shrouded in mist. It had an imaginary +ua ity. item%%<<<8 <ina y I bedded down for the night on the road# in my s eeping bag. I awoke the ne-t morning to sipuppies scampering into my bag sniffing me out. (heir owner ca ed them away. I stayed in my s eeping bag a morning# working on paper. I wanted to create a ca endar good for a the p anets. It was .ust busy work# as it was unsuccessfu # but it didn9t matter since I was now free to spend my time as I wished and was getting used to that idea. item%%"815 3a king again# I came upon the town of 8rest ine. 2 itt e further and I arrived at a sign that said# 0the Ja ey of ;nchantment.0 $ere is where the =ovira ranch was. item%%2BD4 2t the =ovira ranch# Barbara =ovira answered the door. 'he was ta # and bui t ike a man. $er iving room was covered# f oor to cei ing# most y the cei ing# with b ue ribbons. I didn9t see it then# but there was a portrait of Barbara9s mother on a piano or something. Barbara said she was a movie actress. 'he immediate y stated that she fe t ob igated to hire me because I had wa ked a that way# and this ob igation was uncomfortab e# she said. I said that a she needed to do was say no and I wou d be on my way with no comp aints. 'o we ta ked. 'he invited me to dry my socks out by her raging fire# and I did so. It had been raining much of the day before. 2fter some conversation Barbara decided to hire me. I was introduced to her two other ranch%hands# a guy and a gir . (he gir # a s ender# sma enthusiast# was much e-perienced in horses. (he guy was more

the one to do the ta-ing physica abor. (he gir boarded in the ranchhouse. 3e guys bedded down in a barn. item%%5D4< =ovira9s ranch was a >organ $orse ranch. >organs were breeded as a combination of show horse and work horse. 'he had about twenty of them. item%%!83" >y first assignment was to earn to ride. 2fter being shown how to mount# I rode a horse around the perimeter of a sma corra as the gir stood in the center with a whip and managed the horse9s gait. I earned the four stages of horse motion) the wa k# trot# canter# and ga op# or ope. (he name of the horse I rode was 'o itaire# a mare. (he name I had given to my subfunctiona ca endar the day before arriving at the ranch was 'o %y%terre# or sun and earth. I earned rapid y and when Barbara wa ked by the corra she shouted out that I was doing a good .ob. I got instruction ater from the gir in grooming the horses. 3hen approaching the horse# I was to d never to be in its b ind spot# as I cou d get kicked that way. I was showed how to ho d the hoof and scrape out the accumu ated dirt using a sma rod with a b unt point. item%%!111 I did a ot of manure shove ing and hay ba e throwing. Didn9t mind it. I oved the horses. item%%6341 ;very night before going to bed I wou d stea into the ranchhouse refridgerator and get some carrots# dip them in honey# and go out and feed them to 'o itaire. item%%?B;" >y Aaren $uenemann%originated urge to e-ce beyond reason got to me with the horses and I to d the other guy ranch hand one night that I wanted to enter the E ympics someday in the e+uestrian events. I found out about dressage at the ranch. It was a way for the rider to command the horse without any overt signa s. (his impressed me a ot. item%%828? ;ating was an issue I had at the ranch. I wasn9t getting enough to eat. Barbara must have known she was straining us# for one day when she had the other guy and myse f digging some ditches# which was rea y hard work# she cooked two enormous steaks for us. But the effect of the meagre routine diet over time was to make me unhappy# and I decided to +uit. Barbara gave me my check and the gir drove me into 8rest ine where I bought groceries. 2t the gir 9s truck before I set out a one# she said to me I was smart# maybe too smart. 7o hidden message# .ust her simp e observation. 1"?1 02 04 1 0" 45 !2 1"?1 02 06 0 01 45 1? 1"?1 02 0" 0 0! 4! 44 segment !061 segment !062 segment !063 1"?1 02 06 0 01 45 1? 1"?1 02 0" 0 0! 4! 44 1"?1 02 11 0 0" 4! 10

1"?1 02 11 0 0" 4! 10

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item%%25B1 Beaving my .ob at Barbara =ovira9s ranch# I hitchhiked to Jonanne >i igan9s apartment in Bos 2nge es. (here she was not home and I had to wait hoping she wou d arrive. 2fter a coup e hours she did# and was not happy to see me. I washed my dirty socks in her bathroom sink. 'he said she wanted me to go. 'he said# 0you9re c assica . I9m popu ar.0 2t the door# I said# 0I ove you.0 'he said# 0I know.0 I said# 0you don9t know enough.0 item%%D062 Beaving Jonanne >i igan9s apartment# I noticed the street sign. It said# 0<reeman0. item%%B81" 3a king away from Jonanne >i igan9s apartment# I came upon the tent of a circus# and found it to be 8ircus Jargas. I thought I might get a .ob hand ing horses# with my ast week9s e-perience on Barbara =ovira9s ranch as evidence of ski . I got the .ob. 1"?1 02 13 1 01 44 36 segment !06! 1"?1 02 1! 1 0! 44 03

item%%<?80 (he horses owned by 8ircus Jargas inc uded purebred 2rabians# 2ppa ousans# and others# about four each of about si- breeds. (here were two horsemasters who did tricks during the show# a headman and a young gir . Besides myse f there was another fe ow who hand ed the care of the horses# and we ed into the tent the ones that were to perform# ducking out at the ast minute. Ence there was a stiff wind and it spooked the horses whi e we ed them toward the tent. (hey reared up and we were ifted into the air# but strugg ed to keep contro and then did# getting into the tent and the wind vanished. 3e fed and watered a the horses# groomed them# and spread straw around to soak up the waste. Ene evening one of the horses bo ted and got free of its tether in the area where they were norma y kept in reserve. It ran a over the p ace and my fe ow hand er and I cornered it and I got very c ose trying to catch it and it kicked with its rear hooves and the hoof came within an inch of my .aw. (hen we fina y caught it and tethered it. 3a king around the anima grounds I saw a came and never having touched one I went over to pet it. I was surprised by its very cogent s ow movements and it reminded me of the fact that the movements of tai chih# which I had studied once# are based on anima behavior. (he e ephants were huge. 3hat can I sayF 3hen we were packing up to go to the ne-t stop on our itinerary the head horse master et the anima s into their truck# but some of them resisted and he used a whip on them very bruta y. I cou d see he was pressured for his .ob or he wou dn9t have behaved so crue y. En the other hand it was difficu t to watch the anima s being hurt intentiona y.

$aving no money but having to work hard I rapid y entered a state of confusion about my fate. (he mea card I was given gratis got me a few drinks of mi k but that was not much to go on and I started to use the tactic I earned from John Dobson and scoured the grounds for edib e weeds. 2 gang of very young boys saw me do it and I became a spectac e. 2t one point a gang of men gathered severa yards away from me and they eyed me suspicious y and seemed to wish me vio ence. I started to think I was in danger from them as we as from hunger. >r. Jargas he d a meeting in the tent of a circus emp oyees and said he didn9t ike the recent tensions and moves toward vio ence he had seen and e-horted us to behave ourse ves# or something ike that. I had a sense he was ta king about gangs directing their vio ent intentions toward me and maybe others. $ard to say if that was so. In any case# I fina y made the decision that I was not ab e to ast unti getting paid and to d the head horse master I was +uitting. $e was very sorry to hear that# rea y sorry# because he apparent y fe t I was a good horse hand er# probab y because of reports he must have gotten from the other horse hand er who had been there for some time# and didn9t want to ose me# so he offerred me a raise if I wou d stay. I didn9t think of te ing him I needed to eat and had no money. $e might have given me an advance# especia y since he seemed to ike my work. Instead of te ing him this# though# I insisted on +uitting. It sounds ike organi/ed repression surrounding every possib e means I have to get an income. It seems to me I have to e-press it p ain y in its simp est# most ogica form if I am to beat it. (he evidence is divided into two time interva s. Ene# from birth to the onset of b ack ist effects. (wo# from the onset of b ack ist effects forward. Interva two shows effects but not agents. Interva one doesn9t show anything but the e-istence of a mu tip icity of agents who might want to b ack ist me. 2 b ack ist# it is my understanding# wou d be run by a sing e agency. (he division of interva one from interva two# ca it the containment transition# seems to e-tend from the appearance of hosti ity from a gang at 8ircus Jargas# as discussed in this item# to the denia by psychiatrist 2ndrea Aaufmann that she ever promised to get me a eave of absence from graduate schoo at Ca e# this ast event being discussed in segment !100# item id ;?22. 1"?1 02 1! 1 0! 44 03 1"?1 02 16 1 0" 43 2" 1"?1 02 20 0 01 42 !! segment !065 segment !066 segment !06? 1"?1 02 16 1 0" 43 2" 1"?1 02 20 0 01 42 !! 1"?1 02 22 0 0! 42 21

item%%04;" <inding myse f in Bong Beach after +uitting my 8ircus Jargas horsehand er9s .ob# I wa ked to 'ea Beach. 1"?1 02 22 0 0! 42 21 1"?1 02 24 0 0" 41 46 segment !06" segment !0?0 1"?1 02 24 0 0" 41 46 1"?1 02 25 1 01 41 13

item%%5?;; Deciding to eave the Bos 2nge es area I headed 7orth. 'omehow about this time I managed to get a busride. I reca thinking I wou d ike to be impresario for the bui ding of an icosahedron of tunne s through the earth9s crust to create a transportation network. 2 vehic e trave ing through a tunne that deep wou d reach a top speed of something ike 1000 mi es an hour and then dece erate to /ero# a without e-penditure of energy# e-cept for whatever friction there was. (he first ha f of the trip gravity wou d acce erate the vehic e. (he second ha f of the trip it wou d dece erate it. (his is a form of a pendu um. I wanted to provide the entrance points ocated on the surface of the oceans with a way for sea creatures to enter and be transported. I iked the term 0sphere of mearth0 as a name for this structure# and took to the idea of taking the pseudonym of James >earthie. Bater# wandering the streets of Berke ey# I be ieve it was# I fi ed out an app ication for a post office bo- using the a ias of James >earthie. (his a ias is sti on record# under my rea name# with the :.'. government. item%%D868 En the way 7orth I did some wa king. I stopped to do an e-periment. 3ou d my dang ing arm show precession if I were f e-ib e enough with itF I didn9t detect any. &recession is a force due to the rotation of the earth. It causes the path of pendu ums to s ow y rotate in a circ e. item%%6462 I got a ride with a gang type of guy. $e made a stop for a snack or something and I cou dn9t be ieve that he eft me sitting in the car whi e he went. $ow cou d he trust meF Isn9t hot%wiring a car a pretty easy thing to doF 2nd cou dn9t I have sto en something and run away in the other directionF $e was friend y. >aybe he cou d te I was honest. item%%42!2 3hen we got to 'anta 8ru/# I had my ride et me off at the Boardwa k. I went straight into the ocean surf. 1"?1 02 25 1 01 41 13 segment !0?1 1"?1 02 2? 1 0! 40 3"

item%%0B<? In the first days in 'anta 8ru/ and environs I trave ed by bus to a food pantry somewhere outside of town. It was very good food# ots of fresh vegetab es especia y. I took it to a point on the &acific Ecean and got a start eating some of it# but there was a ot. 2 gir was there# but she ignored me# at some distance. I took the food in its bag back to 'anta 8ru/ and went up towards :8'8. item%%2B1B 2s I made my way 7orthward towards the :8'8 campus I passed a ong a sma stream of water that f owed in a median between the two directions of traffic a ong the road. (his scene reminded me of one in Magister Ludi# a nove by $erman $esse. (he master and protagonist wa ked in simi ar circumstances toward the schoo he was associated with# a greater man than mere y the academic in him. >y reca may be in error# but this is the sense I got from reading the book. item%%2B41 It was getting on toward night and I took my bag of food back into the =edwoods behind the :8'8 campus%%the campus is in the midd e of a =edwood forest in the 'anta 8ru/ mountains.

7ow it was getting ate. I kept going deeper into the =edwoods# wanting to e-tend my ife ine as far as I cou d# for I fe t this forest was my on y source of compassion remaining in ife# .ust because that9s where I was at the moment. <ina y I found a p ace to stop and decided that I wou d sacrifice the food for the wi d ife with an e-tra measure of friendship by spreading it on the ground in the form of the word# 0 ove.0 (hen# to rea y get myse f out of my e ement of se f%protection# I wa ked farther into the forest# farther and farther. <ina y I stopped. I stood there fee ing a eyes and no eyes on me. (hen I took a sing e step forward into the dark# .ust stood there awhi e# convening with the earth. (hen I returned to my 0camp0 near the food on the ground. I cur ed up in a =edwood circ e%%these trees were so dominant that they grew very re iab y from seeds cast off by every tree# in a circ e around them. 2 I owned was the c othing on my back. I was ready to s eep. But .ust at the moment before going to s eep I passed from one state of rea ity into another# in another man9s body. >y mind stayed with me and that enab ed me to ink this other body9s e-perience with my own as a memory. $e had an enormous# powerfu body and was in the midd e of a strugg e with a very attractive woman# trying to fend off her beating on him. (hey were situated in a space apparent y carved out of rock# with the entrance to a room on one side of them and a stairway eading downward on the other. (hey were dressed in what seemed to me to be very ancient garb in current condition# and of a privi eged socia status. I cou d participate in the man9s thoughts to the e-tent that he was in a re ationship with this woman# but he was on the defensive for some reason# fe t it was not .ust# and he had responsibi ities in the popu ation around there that he had to consider as he hand ed this business with the woman. (hen the woman ost her footing and fe down the stairs into a heap at the bottom# motion ess. (he man came then to a pivota point of decision. If the woman was a ive# she needed he p. If she was dead# there wou d be some e-p aining to do and perhaps the re ationship was known to be in troub e# so any e-p anation might be met with suspicion or doubt# and very possib y an accusation of murder. (he man was considering whether he shou d stay and check on the woman# or f ee the scene and not be found nearby when she was discovered. It was a crisis that strained my abi ity to cotend his body# and I emerged from it back into the so idity of my own body. Ence again in the =edwood circ e# another second# and I was as eep for the night. (he time I spent in this man9s body was e+ua in va idity to any moment of my own ife# e-cept for some degree of dua ness centered in the head. (here had to have been some para e sharing# in the other man9s mind# of actua events in my own ife. 3e were e+ua y va id# different beings# connected by sharing a certain space and time and e-changing proprietorship of a certain fraction of our own part of it. (here was not enough space%time in the event to accomodate two beings# so I assume what happened was that the boundary between us went through a coordinate transformation that produced a rotation of the boundary between us. (his was the first of 2! events of either a shared memory or some other e-perience outside the rea m of

the norma # most y the shared memory type# that occurred to me in the interva from this incident to 1""2. $owever# this particu ar one was the on y one whose function of time was that of rea ife. (he others of the shared memory type were a s owed down or stopped# and the detai s were ess vibrant. 'uch e-periences are inked in the occu t iterature with what is ca ed initiation. ; i/abeth $aitch wrote a book ca ed (nitiation in which she describes a ot of e-periences in the body of an ancient ;gyptian princess married to her own father. (hese e-periences occurred to >s. $aitch whi e she was in her basement. I read the book in 1"?0# on oan from my friend (erry Brown at :8'8. 1"?1 02 2? 1 0! 40 3" segment !0?2 1"?1 03 02 1 0" 40 0!

item%%!DD< I stayed at a rehabi itation center for a coup e days but it didn9t work out and I eft. Before I eft# I found a book there# one of whose authors was 8hristopher Isherwood# which had artic es about noted spiritua peop e# and these were intended to be possib e choices as peop e9s gurus. (he book made the point that anyone in history cou d be your guru# and wou d guide you even though they might be deceased. I thought I wou d take >i arepa as guru. $e ived from 1040 to 1123 2.D. and was the greatest yogi that (ibet ever produced. I began to have periodic e-changes with my concept of who >i arepa was. (his proved an effective way of negotiating difficu t situations in my mind. I cou d have the benefits of a teacher who had made his mark and didn9t have any need to compete with me. $e was tota y devoted to my success at a high spiritua eve . 1"?1 03 02 1 0" 40 0! 1"?1 03 0! 0 01 3" 32 1"?1 03 06 0 0! 3? !? 1"?1 03 0" 0 0" 3? 24 1"?1 03 11 1 01 36 !0 1"?1 03 13 1 0! 36 15 1"?1 03 1! 1 0" 35 42 1"?1 03 1? 0 01 35 0? 1"?1 03 20 0 0! 3! 34 1"?1 03 22 0 0" 3! 01 1"?1 03 24 1 01 34 26 1"?1 03 25 1 0! 33 !3 1"?1 03 2? 1 0" 33 1" segment !0?3 segment !0?4 segment !0?! segment !0?5 segment !0?6 segment !0?? segment !0?" segment !0"0 segment !0"1 segment !0"2 segment !0"3 segment !0"4 segment !0"! 1"?1 03 0! 0 01 3" 32 1"?1 03 06 0 0! 3? !? 1"?1 03 0" 0 0" 3? 24 1"?1 03 11 1 01 36 !0 1"?1 03 13 1 0! 36 15 1"?1 03 1! 1 0" 35 42 1"?1 03 1? 0 01 35 0? 1"?1 03 20 0 0! 3! 34 1"?1 03 22 0 0" 3! 01 1"?1 03 24 1 01 34 26 1"?1 03 25 1 0! 33 !3 1"?1 03 2? 1 0" 33 1" 1"?1 03 31 0 01 32 4!

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item%%!2<1 3andering a over 'anta 8ru/ I found by the ocean an estuary in which there were ta grasses. (here was a beaten down footpath and I fo owed it. I took a side path and it ed to what appeared to be the nest of a very arge bird. (here was a path beaten from it down to the water. I fe t sufficient y sec uded that I decided to masturbate in the nest. I took off a my c othes and began. But then there was the sound of an anima at water9s edge. It was a swan. It s ow y approached me and I put my hand up to stroke its breastbone. 2s I stoked its breastbone it moved its head right and eft a few times. I figured this was how an anima with eyes on the sides of its head gathered information about things around it up c ose. I was struck by the mytho ogica para e and said to the bird# 0BedaI0 I got my myth mi-ed up. Leus actua y took the form of a swan and Beda# with whom he had two chi dren# was not a swan. It then took a bite out of my outreached hand and I rea i/ed that regard ess of whether this was a gesture of passion or hosti ity# I was in danger. I got to my feet and grabbed one of my shoes and assessed the situation. (he bird raised up its wings and I noticed a spider sitting on both of them right in the .oint with the body. I figured these itt e anima s had a secret habitat iving there and that the swan probab y didn9t know it. (hen the swan swatted me with one of its wings and I rea i/ed it might be ab e to do some damage. (hen I rea i/ed there were spiders a over the ground and f ies a over in the air. I considered these itt e anima s the a ies of the swan%%the spiders%%and of me%%the f ies. I said# 0Don9t try it bub. I9 have f ies coming down your throat0 or something ike that. It was a b uff. I grabbed the swan by the throat and saw that one of its eyes was wounded. I broke the swan9s neck and it went imp on the ground. I took my fingers and p aced them on the eye in a way that I thought was magica by virtue of the ang es of the positions of the fingertips. I wanted to hea the wound. But the swan seemed dead. (hen I got dressed.

I went a ways down the path and began to wai in grief for the swan. (hen there was the sound of another bird anding in the water. I figured it was the swan9s mate. 3hen it got to the nest it cried out in apparent grief. (hen it went away. I heard the sound of some young boys coming down the path. I ca ed to them and showed them the scene. I asked if any of them knew swan anatomy and one of them said he did. I suggested he give resussitation. (he young boy got down and gave heart pumps. But the swan showed no sign of reviving. (he boys and I went our separate ways. I earned reading & ato ater that a swan song is the song a swan sings on its deathbed and is wonderfu y musica . I guess I reversed the ro e of oved one and dying one of the swan song. I a so reversed the ro e of si- month9s warning before death given to spiritua peop e# of my mother# as discussed in segment 5000# item id 225". 1"?1 04 0? 1 0! 30 30 segment !100 1"?1 11 11 0 0? 34 03

item%%;304 I made my camp for severa days in a park in the 'anta 8ru/ mountains beside a creek. It became my habit# fee ing a one# to wa k about with .ust a shirt on. (he shirt had been a gift from my mother. I decided to ay c aim# in a manner of speaking# to the spot# and tore the cover off a mai ing I had from Ca e. It was a photo of Ca e behind the churches on the 7ew $aven Dreen# and a sky fi ed with spotty c ouds and ots of sun. I put this sheet on a sma is and in the creek and weighted it down with some pebb es. I went away to town# came back# and someone had taken the photo on the is and and turned it over and rep aced it on the ground and rep aced the pebb es. (his to d me someone was keeping me under watch. I then buried the photo where it was ying. En another occasion in 0camp0 I heard someone step on a twig not far away. I went to see but it was very dense with brush and cou dn9t see anything. I was definite y being fo owed. 2t night I was aware of a ot of spiders craw ing on my body. I said# 0we come to my forest#0 referring to the hairs on my body. I bought two adies underpants in town# one white and one b ack. Back at camp at night I put on the white and masturbated. <ee ing rea y a one# thankfu y# I et myse f go and gave a super oud shreik as I c ima-ed. (hen above me# in the top branches of some redwood trees# a bunch of birds cawed and it seemed ike they were a saying# 0decieverI0 I was creating the deception I was a fema e.

item%%2?<8 3hi e I was in a sec uded area of the =edwoods around the :8'8 campus# masturbating and ta king# I said the word in <rench for 0earth0%%0 a terre0. (he birds above me immediate y started making a fuss. I thought this meant an earth+uake was coming. I wanted to know the si/e of it# so I simp y asked that +uestion. 2 young bird chirped in pu ses# 1# 2# 3# and 4 beats# in a random order. I noted that the tota was ten. 3as the earth+uake to be a =ichter sca e tenF >aybe there was a decima inp ied somehow. I thought it might a so .ust be a five. I went around 'anta 8ru/ investigating certain sites# ooking for a hint of where the epicenter wou d be. item%%"D16 :p on the :8'8 campus# in a arge fie d# I e-perimented with my body to find a way# shou d the need occur# to fend off an attack by mu tip e attackers. I hit upon a method of turning s ow y and making a my attackers around me think I had my eyes c osed when actua y they were open. I found the right p ace to ook whi e a ternate y opening and c osing my eyes out of eft%right synchroni/ation so that the attackers in one area wou d on y see the c osed eye whi e the other eye was open and scouting the situation# then I wou d switch open and c osed eyes and change that specia spot where I was ooking and do the same for the ne-t area# and so on. item%%"5DD I was using a busbench in downtown 'anta 8ru/ to s eep one night when I was awoken sudden y by a young kid pu ing on me. $e must have been in his ate teens. It was obvious immediate y he wanted a fight and there were severa other kids with him nearby waiting for the fight to start# and ready to .oin in. 2 of them were about si- feet ta . >y immediate impression was that things cou d get difficu t and I ran out to stand under the street ight# to make sure that if there were bystanders they wou d see that I was being attacked. (hen I went into my own routine for meeting an attack by severa attackers# at first s+uatting and raising my arms and cupping my hands# signa ing a refusa to f ee and readiness to fight. (hen# as I s ow y turned# I noted where a my attackers were and how they were conducting themse ves. 2fter a whi e# when I had seen what they a were doing# I started wa king away. (hen I stopped to assess their martia arts ski s. I did a warm%up e-ercise I had earned in 2iAiDo c ass and said to one of them# 0what am I doingF0 $e ooked confused and watched me very c ose y. (hen he said# 0you9 d better take the arts serious y.0 (his statement was uttered in a way that to me indicated he didn9t know what I was doing# and probab y wasn9t a b ack be t# so he wou dn9t be ab e to ki me. (his changed my degree of preparations in my mind for fighting. I then started to wa k again and got to another street corner# under the ight# and stopped. (wo of the kids# inc uding the one who had spoken# fo owed me and stopped by me. I put my egs apart to get a good base# and put my hands together# f at and centra . 2 few seconds ater# the kid on my right# who had said I shou d take the arts serious y# hau ed back and kicked me right in the groin.

But in a the action my testic es had retracted# so his kick didn9t hit them. I said# ca m y# 0I am not hurt.0 (hey were shocked# especia y the kid on my right. 2 sma crowd had formed on the edge of the action in the dark. 2 young man came out of the crowd in the shadows and wa ked straight up to me# shook my hand# and said# 0we come to 'anta 8ru/I0 (hen a group of peop e came wa king through where we were standing. 2 woman came c ose y up to me# ooked carefu y at me# and said to the others# 0it9s not him.0 2pparent y the fight was intended to get someone specific who they thought I was# but rea y wasn9t. I decided this was a good opportunity to share with someone my conc usion there was going to be an earth+uake. I said# 0there9s going to be an earth+uake# a five.0 (hey then eft. 7ot wanting to press my uck with the attackers# who were now defeated# I a so eft the area# wa king brisk y. item%%B;02 2 day or two ater I was sitting in downtown 'anta 8ru/ at dawn with a bo- of bits of food and some persona items# when a station wagon came s ow y down the street. It was painted in camouf age and had the words 0;arth+uake 2merica0 painted on it in white. En the roof was a s+uare bo- and four b oodhounds were sitting in it# in a pinwhee shape# ooking out and seeming to be sniffing the air. item%%58"" I saw in the papers the ne-t day that an earth+uake of about magnitude ! had occurred in the area. item%%62;2 2t some point after this I was wa king in downtown 'anta 8ru/ and saw the young guy who had kicked me# ta king to an o der adu t in a business suit. I stopped and said to the kid# aughing# 0$ow about a testic e massage on the other sideF0 $e ooked at me ike he didn9t know me and I went off. item%%8!D; I ran into a coup e one night in 'anta 8ru/ and somehow we got to ta king in a civi i/ed way. (hey were =ussians. 3e ta ked in ;ng ish and wa ked about the streets a bit and I was turned on by the situation as the gir was +uite attractive and .ust a itt e f irtatious with me# a though she was definite y the other guy9s date. (here was a beautifu c assic car parked on the street and I got e-cited and .umped up on the hood and started saying# 0Eh# my DodI Eh# my DodI0 as I wa ked around on the hood# then .umped off. (he coup e was amused by my antics# muted y# which was the on y reason I did it. (he ne-t day or so# as I was crossing a arge intersection in 'anta 8ru/# a car stopped# its driver got out and strode up to me and pushed me. I a most fe down. I was carrying a bo- of things of mine. (hen he got back into his car and drove away. item%%822B I got in the habit of going to a church where they had a service and handed out sandwiches and de icious bread pudding# once or twice a week. (here was a sma grounds outside the chape where we

a sat and ate our sandwiches# which the peop e who ran the p ace were carefu to hand out on y as we were eaving the chape # after the service. Ence someone began choking and I got up and did a $em ich maneuver to save his ife. I met a gir there# among the street peop e# by the name of Jictoria Dod y. (his name had been given her by her guru. 'he c aimed she was a singer and be ted out some song. 3e became friends and on some ho iday# probab y the <ourth of Ju y# we went to a church service to ce ebrate. 2s we sat# I was thinking we were reincarnations of Binco n and 3ashington. (he thought made me cry. I was seeking my g ory. item%%2!4? I was wa king a ong a shrub%overrun rai road right%of%way and heard some sounds of very young kittens. Booking more c ose y I discovered a den of kittens# about a do/en of them. >y need for companionship was e-treme and I reached in and took one out and kept it and wa ked into town. <or a day I wa ked around town with it. I had no shirt and no money and no home. 2 gir passing me on a crowded downtown sidewa k rebuked me. I continued to wa k with it. (hat evening I decided I cou dn9t proper y care for the anima and p aced it on the ground .ust outside the rear door to a 'anta 8ru/ community center. 3i d anima s# both of us# and both tragedies. En the ;ast 8oast# home ess# I fe in# simi ar y# with a puppy# as discussed in segment !!00# item id 6324. item%%6;11 I found a church center that served free food. It was 'outh of town +uite a ways# on a corner. En the wa there was a poster of names traditiona y given to Jesus. I thought it was the biggest comp iment to him I had ever seen# much more the ob.ect of adu ation and g amor. item%%!6"" I app ied for food stamps using the &ost Effice genera de ivery as an address and I was approved. Buying food on &acific Darden ma was the best eating I had ever had and introduced me to a ot of food I had never eaten before. item%%218! I ran into 2 e-andra 'ens# a friend of mine from :8'8. 'he was iving in a arge house with a group of peop e# inc uding her sister# &au a# a so a friend of mine. (he gir s were twins# 'wiss# and their father was a high energy physicist working for 8;=7# I be ieve. (hey invited me to stay with them a whi e. &au a9s room was sma and I ooked at her there with interest# wishing I cou d have a re ationship with her# as I a ways had. 2 e-andra was a itt e more e ongated. 'he and I went to a rock concert in town and it was stimu ating to have her with me# effective y as a date# which to a home ess person was a rare treat. I bought yoghurt of many brands and had a yoghurt tasting party in the kitchen at their house. It rea y on y amounted to a few tastes by =udy# one of the residents.

=ick# the owner of the house# who a so ived there# had said it was ok for me to s eep in the back yard. I sti had the s eeping bag I had bought for my ;uropean bike tour# the b ue Derry. I masturbated at night in the s eeping bag. It must have been grimy# but I didn9t notice it. I was entering a new regime of persona priorities more in keeping with a ways being mobi e. I did some work for =ick sanding a door in the area of the house under renovation. $e was astonished at the +ua ity of the .ob I did. Eutside his house# on the sidewa k# he and I were ta king and on an impu se I shouted out# 0=ick# you9re a cock suckerI0 I was impressed by him and it was intended as a comp iment. $e took it noncha ant y# which was perfect. 'aying something ike that out of the b ue was somewhat odd# especia y for me to do. I had no way# being home ess# to e-press any substantia appreciation for his friendship# but I sti wanted to ho d my own with him# as an ac+uaintence. item%%0566 2t one point whi e dea ing with :8'8 8o ege <ive I got very frustrated from the ack of cooperation they were giving me and I wa ked into an office where I was a a one and upon finding a cup of coffee on the desk I turned it over and spi ed the coffee a over the desk which was oaded with paperwork. (hen I eft and no one found me. item%%6?28 2t one point I went to see my friends at Dauss $ouse in 8rown 8o ege of :8'8# Bi Bogan and 'teve 7ay or. (here was a tense conversation in the ounge and I said I thought I was the reincarnation of &ythagoras and Beonardo da Jinci and I was afraid a so of Jesus. I said something about Bi 9s possib e thinking he was someone9s reincarnation and he said something about not wanting to troub e other peop e with his own 0private he .0 I thought this was generous to me in my confusion about reincarnation. In any case# it was obvious to him I was unstab e and he took me to the 'anta 8ru/ 8ounty menta hea th center. (here# he gave me a gift of a notebook and a pen with both red and b ack ink# on opposite ends. I was very p eased with the gift. (he red and b ack pen was the most powerfu graphic device I had ever owned. ;gyptian documents# if I9m not mistaken# were written in red and b ack ink# something I conc ude from their use of a symbo for an ink pot with one chamber for red and one chamber for b ack. 2t the hospita I met James ;dward 8unse man# a ta young fe ow who said he had gotten four or five ?00s on the '2( e-ams. 2n ?00 is perfect. I had one# in math achievement eve II. $e had a thing about p aying with do s# but his piano p aying was pretty good. 3e p ayed with co ored beads together. $e wou d position a bead# I wou d respond with an aesthetic counterpoint p acement# then he wou d respond# and so on# unti the beauty of the thing reached a ma-imum peak. (he ast move# into that peak# had been his# but my smi e at him after it was to me the rea fina cu mination# as I had sacrificed an attempt to outdo him. 'teve 7ay or visited and I introduced him to James 8unse man and to d him about James9s ?00s. (he menta hea th center maintained a tab e 2416 with bread and honey on it. (his was enough of a resource that it .ustified the stay there. >y doctor was a Ca e a umnus and when I to d him I was too# he was p eased and very humb e# and smi ed very endearing y.

>y thoughts during my stay at the hospita tended to be anguished with strife and strain. I often ca ed upon my image of >i arepa for advice. I be ieved that a itany I dreamed up was thought up by him. It went) (ry harder my son. (ry harder my son. (he Dods above adore you. 2 ternate y# it went) (hink faster my son. (hink faster my son. (he Dods above imp ore you. (his itt e refrain speeded up my mind to a fren/y# for better or worse. I attributed divine authority to it# thus its power. (here was a fema e patient who I got to know a itt e. 'he did very consciuous things. (he maga/ine pages she eft open seemed to be making usefu points for my interior functioning. I met her ater# outside the hospita . Ence we embraced in a courtyard of a commercia center and she dropped her bott e of skin treatment on the pavement and it broke and spi ed a over. (hen we met whi e we were crossing a bridge to 'anta 8ru/ in opposite directions. I said# 0'ma town.0 'he said# 0'ometimes I think this town is very arge.0 item%%!2D< Discharged from the menta hea th center and wa king back to town# I ran into a young man I had first met in a food store in town# where he had seemed a most god% ike in the c arity of his motions# even though he seemed on y about 1? years o d. I theori/ed that he was about the right age to be the 3or d (eacher prophesied by 2 ice 2nn Bai ey. (hat person was to have been born in 1"51. (his person was about ten years younger than me# I born in 1"!1. I had some thoughts about the possibi ity >s. Bai ey had been in error on one digit in the year and it was rea y 1"!1 and it was me. 2 nonsense due to my continuing wandering. 3e chatted and wa ked. $e to d me about being a one in his house and ingesting on y fruit .uice for a month# then wa king out of the house into home essness. I said that seemed painfu . $e said# 0when the universe opens...0 I was treating him as if he was my guru. I wondered if he had come to earth on a space ship or space% time warp. I didn9t know. I e-pressed confusion about re ative standing of peop e. $e said# 0.ust remember. 2 beings are e+ua .0 I said# 0what about the $ierarchyF0 (he $ierarchy was an idea I had read about in 2 ice 2nn Bai ey9s works. 2 the masters and discip es were in it and it had no upper imit. It was a secret body. I mentioned it because they definite y weren9t a e+ua s. (he young man ooked at me as if my mentioning it was a sin. <or a whi e everything that transpired with this man went into an account that disappeared# and I cou dn9t remember what had happened. (hen we said good%bye# he bowing# and I ooking at him with

distrust for the chance he was part of a secret body that was in contro . item%%<1?4 I fo owed the advice of my imaginary guru >i arepa everywhere in 'anta 8ru/. Ence it took me to a residentia area and at a house there it took me near the door and to d me to try the door because I cou d get in and have se- with the woman who ived there# even though she was married. I tried the door and it was un ocked. I wa ked into the iving room and ooked around. 7o one there. I wa ked up some open stairs# intending to find the bedroom where the woman and I wou d have se-. But at the top of the stairs I sudden y was f ushed with the rea ity that I was intruding in a strange home and if someone found me there the conse+uences cou d be terrib e. I wa ked back out of the house and eft. item%%21?6 I was brou/ing around in Book 'hop 'anta 8ru/ on &acific Darden ma # in the spiritua ity section# and noticed an impressive row of dark b ue covers. (he tit es were mind%bogg ing) (e epathy and the ;theric Jehic eM Initiations# $uman and 'o arM (he =eturn of the 8hristM and many others very intriguing. (hey a had the same author# 2 ice 2nn Bai ey. (he bookshop had a a read as ong as you ike po icy so I took one of these books# sat down in a chair# and began to read. (he book c aimed that its author was a (ibetan monk who had te epathica y transmitted it to 2 ice Bai ey. It turned out a of the books carried the same c aim# e-cept for 2 ice Bai ey9s autobiography# referred to as unfinished. I was unfami iar with the tone and diction in the book%%deeper# and carrying the signs of greater e-perience in reading than anyone I had met or read. 3hi e the merits of things in these books may depend on one9s spiritua orientation# they have proven va uab e to me over time in estab ishing a co o+uia precedent for high y responsib e se f%appointment. Ene item I have found recurrent y significant is a reference to 0the e-periment of sound on the batt efie d0 during 3or d 3ar II. 2 ice Bai ey took part in the war at a distance but with a arge point of view. item%%8?84 En my wa k out of 'anta 8ru/ I stopped in at a po ice station and fresh from my street fight with five kids# I offerred my services as a martia artist. (hey dec ined. item%%2888 In 8apito a Ji age I went into a c ub and had coffee that I made ast a ong time. En the way out# in wa ked Jerry 7ash# my psychiatrist when I was a student at :8'8. I said hi to him# I think# but I don9t know if he recogni/ed me. item%%!;3D I wa ked around 8apito a Ji age for severa days# window shopping and sometimes going into stores and ooking at items# thinking I shou d go into business se ing copies of a scu pture I made first in Irwin $auer9s c ass as an undergraduate at Ca e. Ene of my physics teachers at :8'8# Bruce =osenb um# had thought it was very c ever and wanted me to market it. I said I didn9t have any money for that and he said don9t worry about money# it wi come. I have never found money to .ust come ike that. Bruce had been the head of research at =82.

item%%?442 I spent the nights in 8apito a Ji age s eeping on the grass in a sma park. Ene night I was horny and masturbated right there in p ain view# in my c othes. (hen I ooked up and across the street that ran norma to the beach I saw a itt e gir standing up with her who e body in the window# .umping up and down ooking at me. I was embarrassed to think about it# deep in my mind# but not outward y. I wished I cou d be with her. ' ow y# I raised my arm and waved to her. (hen she disappeared. I eft the park hoping she wou d come out or invite me in. 3hen I got to her bui ding# on the corner# I went in an a ey to the back of the bui ding and imagined myse f being te epathic# istening for her thoughts# and thinking maybe she was waiting for me to be bo d and enter the house and go to her room. I was pretty sure I was getting no such signa # so fina y I eft. item%%!6;B 3a king by the beach in 8apito a Ji age I met a young man who said he had been the 8a ifornia state high schoo wrest ing champion in the heavyweight division. $e ooked pretty stong and he had a ca m ref ectiveness that seemed to have seen many cha enges in his young ifetime# so I didn9t doubt him. $e invited me to a wrest ing cha enge on the beach. 3e did three take%downs. Ene take%down# standing facing each other# I used standard wrest ing practice. $e did too# giving me a push# and I reacted by resisting# and he used my reaction9s inertia to score the take%down# a standard strategy I never earned to counter. 2nother take%down# I used a karate stance. $e won that take%down handi y# as karate has nothing to do with wrest ing. (he ast take%down# I started by turning comp ete y around ooking away from him and unging backward at his egs. $e won that one too. I wanted a wide variety of approaches# a I cou d hope to e-hibit with a superior opponent. item%%4380 2 day or so ater# the young man I did take downs with picked me up in his hot%rod and we cruised the beach a bit# sharing some id e conversation and mutua respect. item%%226! I got picked up by the po ice in 8apitoa Ji age# probab y .ust because I had become an obvious transient there. item%%D!<2 (he po ice took me to a >cDona ds and bought me a hamburger. (hen they took me to a Jesus 'aves mission and dropped me off. item%%32?8 2t the Jesus 'aves mission I took a shower and went to the chape . In the chape there was a priest standing in the ais e and he addressed this +uestion to me) 0'ir# are you a hobo or a trampF0 I didn9t understand the +uestion so he e-p ained that a tramp is someone who doesn9t want to work whi e a hobo is wi ing to work but .ust wants to trave . Both of them are bums.0 (he ne-t day I was to d that the freight train depot outside was used by a the bums to eave town# but I

was warned not to go into a bo- car because they sometimes get shut up and ocked. item%%4;22 Beft the Jesus 'aves mission in 'anta 8ru/ 8ounty# 82# via freight train# getting off in 'anta Barbara# 82. $itchhiked on to the home of my mother# Jane Batek# in >ira Boma# 82. 'pent a day and a night as a wou d%be yogi at the ashram and then at the off%site ocation of the student of 'ri 2urobindo with whom I had had a private audience in January of 1"?1# as discussed in segment !055# item id B"50. (he master was not home. I weeded in the garden# didn9t ike it# and eft. Bife was sparse there. (hey shower in unheated water and use a dish of water to c eanse after defecating. (he master wou d have been pu// ed by my return anyway. I took my recent y arrived federa ta- refund check with me by bus to 7ew $aven# 8(.# where I cashed the check. @@item%%060< 1"?1 10 to 1"?2 06 I stayed in four egitimate indoor p aces in the 7ew $aven area besides the various outdoor p aces and i egitimate indoor p aces I stayed. (he egitimate indoor p aces were) the home of >arionne >a aguena 8obb. the apartment of a b ack gir I met on the street in a residentia neighborhood of 7ew $aven. 8o umbus $ouse# a home ess she ter in the $i 7eighborhood of 7ew $aven. a she ter in a church in the <air $aven neighborhood of 7ew $aven. I wi discuss these each in separate items# fo owing. item%%3D6< 'tayed at the home of >arione >a aguena 8obb. I9m not sure how I connected with >arione at this time. I had first met her at internationa fo k dancing at $endrie $a my senior year at Ca e. $er daughter danced too and I was attracted to both daughter and mother. :pon comong to her door she invited me in and hearing my story et me get something to eat. 'he had honey out and I made some toast and put honey on it. I rea y needed it. 2s it turned out# I stayed with >arione for maybe a coup e weeks. 2t first I s ept on a bed tucked away in a corridor# but then# as we got to know each other more# I started s eeping with her and having sewith her. I he ped her edit a news etter for some pro.ect she was associated with. $er .ob was in socia work. 'he invited me to a dance# where I was embarrassed by her more e der y ways and bearing# and to a very uni+ue visit by some service group to a nursing home at 8hristmastime where we presented gifts and wore buttons that said# 0I9m the gift.0 meaning that it was the ove and caring we brought that were the rea gift.

3e drove to 7ew $ampshire to visit her daughter. It was snowing and the driving was difficu t. 2t her daughter9s house we .ust spent a ot of time spending time. 2 coup e of friends of her daughter .ust stood in the iving room for hours on end. (hey said they had earned to stand whi e in the mi itary. It was having se- at the daughter9s p ace that convinced >arione that we were getting more out of it a the time. I certain y agreed. (hey didn9t have any map e syrup so we stopped at a store and the daughter shop% ifted a bott e of it. >aryone introduced me ater to a friend who et me stay in her home for a whi e. 'he had a daughter who ran around naked and kept ta king about her 0gina0# that is# her vagina. I didn9t get physica with the mother as I was sti fee ing as if it was >arione for me. 3e a spent 7ew Cear9s ;ve dancing at the friend9s house. item%%B43B the home of a b ack gir (he bicyc e I had had as a graduate student at Ca e was sti at my former dorm house and I was ab e to get it from the resident assistant# 2ndreas. 2s I was wa king the bike around 7ew $aven9s 7orth side I happened to meet a young b ack gir and get into a conversation with her. 'he invited me to stay for a whi e in her apartment. I took a ong hot bath there in her very arge bathroom. 'he a ways spoke to me very respectfu y. I s ept on the f oor of a room apart from her apartment. 'he came to me the first night and to d me she oved me. 'he took me to a church service where they asked for those who had spoken in voices and I came forward. I didn9t rea y think I had done that# but I had done so many odd things I figured there must be something there I cou d say I had done. I visua i/ed up on the wa behind the minister the words# 0the ancient one0 in bri iant red. item%%82D3 8o umbus $ouse 7ew $aven saw the opening of a home ess she ter in a arge house in the $i 7eighborhood around this time. I stayed in it a few times# but remember more from a ater period of residence in 7ew $aven. (hat time at 8o umbus $ouse is described in segment !!00# item id ;6<6. item%%6!52 a she ter in a church in the <air $aven section of 7ew $aven 'omehow I found out about a she ter being started for the winter in a church in <air $aven# a neighborhood of 7ew $aven to the ;ast. $ere I stayed for some number of nights. (hey put arge rugs down on the f oor to make it more comfortab e for s eeping. (hey had picnic tab es for eating and working. I used the time to finish my :8'8 senior thesis# which I sent in and was

accepted so I cou d graduate. 2 crew from the 7ew $aven =egister came in and interviewed some of the guests# inc uding myse f. (hey took a picture of me with my egs stretched out en.oying the faci ities and chance to get out of the co d. 2n artic e came out on the front page of a 'unday edition a about me# and with the picture right there. 3hen the artic e came out I happened to run into the chie of the Ca e &o ice on campus and we stopped and e-changed p easant greetings. I was showing my mirth at having my face on many a Ca e breakfast tab e that day. (he had a te evision set up at the she ter and we watched 'uperman# the movie. item%%;?22 Ene possibi ity I be ieved was open to me in 7ew $aven was returning to graduate schoo at Ca e. 2s re ated in segment !020# item id 6<88# my psychiatrist# 2ndrea Aaufmann# had convinced me to take a eave instead of +uitting a together. 'o I went to Dr. Aaufmann and asked to be reinstated. 'he denied ever having given me a eave. 2t this point it was obvious Dr. Aaufmann had done something utter y unethica and probab y i ega . (here was no doubt she had indeed promised to get me the eave and I eft schoo under the impression she had done so. I asked for a meeting with her supervisor# the director of psychiatry. I don9t reca his name. 'he got me the meeting. 2t the meeting I presented my case. 3hen Dr. Aaufmann attempted to refute it I said she was ying and to d the director that if they didn9t get me the eave immediate y I wou d get a restraining order from a .udge so that I cou d enro whi e they hagg ed over the issue. (his threat to take the matter to court caught the director by surprise and he changed his demeanor and said they wou d grant me a eave retroactive y# bypassing the +uestion of whether Dr. Aaufmann had or had not secured the eave for me. ;vident y the director didn9t want to risk putting Dr. Aaufmann on the stand and having to commit per.ury# in the event I was te ing the truth and Dr. Aaufmann wasn9t. ;vident y he was +uite ab e to detect in my voice and Dr. Aaufman9s our wi ingness to take the stand to defend our statements# an abi ity that Dr. Aaufman must not have anticupated. :nfortunate y for me# in the succeeding days I ost track of the who e affair and didn9t take the director up on his offer. I had no money# no home# no phone# nothing to serve the task of getting a ife back. I was s eeping on the street and starving# no friends or associates to he p me through a transition. It was a ost cause. But it did te me one thing) something had changed for Dr. Aaufmann. I ca it this) the spread through the combined bureaucracies of a b ack isting. Is it any wonder I considered there to be no reason not to masturbate on a tab e in the 'i iman 8o ege ibrary# as described in segment !!00# item id 2222# and a so on the f oor of an a tar of an ;piscopa 8hurch in 7ew $aven# as described in segment !!00# item id 8364. (hese two atrocities are easi y matched with a b ack ist that caused me great suffering# and asks me to discount that suffering to make way for condemnation of the atrocities# something I am not going to do.

(his event# the denia by psychiatrist 2ndrea Aaufmann that she ever promised to get me a eave of absence from Ca e graduate schoo # marks the end of what I ca the containment transition# the beginning of it occuring in the event of a gang forming at 8ircus Jargas to show hosti ity toward me# as discussed in segment !06!# item id <?80. item%%!B04 2t this time I decided to earn cash as an artists9 mode . I started this at the &aier 'choo of 2rt# in $amden# 8(. >y first .ob was a cha enge# for I had never undressed before strangers before. 2s I wa ked from the backroom into the c ass area I determined to approach the .ob aggressive y# to distinguish myse f. I did poses that were aggressive. >ost notab y# I he d a book out in front of myse f and gripped it with physica assertiveness. It was a mi-ed c ass of men and women# and I began to sme hormones in the air. 2fter the c ass a mode who had worked an ad.acent c ass came over and comp imented me on my .ob. $e was a ta b ack man. 2fter this I was never afraid to again do this sort of work. item%%5!D! I mode ed a so at Ca e. Before c ass after I undressed I stood in a martia arts pose# raising one eg above my waist and pointing my toes. During the c ass the teacher got physica with me by putting his hand on me. (his was prohibited behavior. 1"?1 11 11 0 0? 34 03 segment !200 1"?2 05 1! 1 11 36 3!

item%%8503 3hi e I was home ess in 7ew $aven I sent etters seeking emp oyment in the fie d of deve opment economics to two 2frican counries# Botswana and the 8ameroons. I don9t know what return address I used but I do remember recieving etters from both countries asking me for a etter stating my +ua ifications. $ome essness intervened and I never rep ied to either country. I chose these two countries because I was ab e to find in the Ca e ibrary foreign newspaper room newspapers based there. I don9t reca the one from Botswana but I do reca a photo of some men on an ath etic team# probab y rugby# in the one from the 8ameroons. (he papers were good press for their countries and since they were the on y 2frican countries I found represented in the ibrary it was easy to se ect both of them to in+uire about a .ob. 2s a Ca e undergraduate I had ma.ored in economics with a specia ty of deve opment economics. >y senior thesis was entit ed# 3nemployment and "ural53r an Migration in Africa and Latin America' I got an 2 minus on it. I got no other 2s in any of my other economics c asses. item%%1?!? (oward the end of my current stay in 7ew $aven I happened to attend church one 'unday at Ca e9s Bate 8hape # the principa Ca e house of worship. I had announced in 'anta 8ru/# as discussed in segment !100# item ids 2?<8# "D16# "5DD# B;02# and 58""# the interpretation I made of bird sounds that there wou d be a =ichter 'ca e ! or 5 earth+uake# but I had another interpretation of the same sounds that there wou d be a 10. I chose to annouonce this interpretation on this occasion at Bate .

I rose during the concerns of the church section of the service# when members of the congregation may make a pub ic announcement# and eaped into a description of my time spent with anima s in 8a ifornia# noting the use made of anima behavior by the 8hinese to predict earth+uakes. I then said I was predicting there wou d be a ten. (hen I ca ed for counse with the minister# John Jannorsda # whom I had met during my difficu t days of i ness as a Ca e graduate student. John ca ed out# 0Is that Jim BatekF0 $e of course knew I might be having a psychotic episode# but I was adamant with him that I wasn9t. I referred him to the passage from the bib e that says a prophet is not we come in his own home. $e knew the passage. 2 few days ater# .ust before I eft for 8a ifornia# I was wa king on the sidewa k across ; m 'treet from Bate # when I ran into a friend of mine from the Ca e church community. 'he was very upbeat about me and said that my speech at Bate about the earth+uake had been the ta k of the community afterwards. item%%B560 >y :8'8 B.2. was awarded on June 11# 1"?2. item%%<212 >y re+uest to $a e Ebservatories that they et me work there for the summer of 1"?2 was accepted. In >arionne 8obb9s J3 beet e in a arge parking ot before getting on a bus to B2# she p eaded with me not to go. I had no prob em setting that suggestion aside# though I had nothing to offer her as appeasement and in a the emotiona turmoi wasn9t ab e to proper y thank her for etting me stay with her# which meant food to me as much as it did she ter. 2nd I did en.oy intercourse with her. item%%505? >y mother# Jane Batek# et me drive her car to &asadena to report for work at $a e Ebservatories. I was getting serious y psychotic because of the spectre of osing my freedom of home essness. I didn9t have a p ace to stay for the .ob and that night stayed at a mote . I ay in bed for hours the morning of my appointment at $a e# not getting up for fear of upsetting the things I was thinking about# and urinating in bed. (hen I wantdered around &asadena on foot a day unti I showed up at $a e. (here one of my o d friends said I wasn9t fit to work. 0Book at youI0 he said with pointed disbe ief# and ca ed the po ice# who took me out the door and re eased me. item%%0312 I returned my mother9s car to her and hitchhiked 7orth. I spent some time in Berke ey# 82. I spent near y a day sitting in a hamburger .oint writing a ong ong etter to my father# in diction he never heard me speak and wou dn9t get# but I considered it my time to spend. 2t the end of the etter I put down an invocation I had read in the works of 2 ice 2nn Bai ey# (he Dreat Invocation she ca ed it. $ere it is) <rom the point of Bight within the >ind of Dod Bet Bight stream forth into the minds of men. Bet Bight descend on ;arth. <rom the point of Bove within the $eart of Dod

Bet ove stream forth into the hearts of men. >ay 8hrist return to ;arth. <rom the centre where the 3i of Dod is known Bet purpose guide the itt e wi s of men % (he purpose which the >asters know and serve. <rom the centre which we ca the race of men Bet the & an of Bove and Bight work out 2nd may it sea the door where evi dwe s. Bet Bight and Bove and &ower restore the & an on ;arth. (hen in the margin I put a b ocked e-c amation point and wrote inside it# 03owI 3hat an e-c amation pointI0 I didn9t e-pect my father wou d be impressed. I had .ust used more turns of phrasing in the etter than he may have ever heard in his who e ife# inc uding from me. 7everthe ess# I took the etter to a copy shop and made ten copies and bought ten b ack fo ders and one go d one# put the copies in the b ack fo ders# the origina in the go d fo der# and mai ed the origina and nine copies to my father and kept a copy. (hen I somehow remember that my mother and two sisters and someone e se were in the 'an <rancisco area and wanted to 0give me a chance to see them.0 'o we arranged to meet at a restaurant in the <isherman9s 3harf area. I met them on the grounds outside and got down on my knees and pushed my one copy of the etter in its b ack fo der toward them. Bike my father# my mother wou d never get its point. But I was doing my duty of conscientiousness# which I had not yet earned had comp ete y fai ed me in ife. In the restaurant I spoke my mind and they thought it was bra/en and shamefu . I said nothing but e egant things# one by one dea ing with the manifestations of absense of erudition I recogni/ed around them a as a ways. I eft them mutua y disgusted. 2s I drove off in a bus# somewhere far away from the restaurant# I saw a of them rushing somewhere on the sidewa k ne-t to the bus# strung out each at a distance to the others. 'eeing them in this way# strugg ing with physica e-igences as I was reaching far beyond their e-perience in my own new wor d# I fe t a chi go deep into my heart# signa ing the end of an era for what I knew of as mankind. item%%3023 It was in Berke ey that I was hitchhiking ate at night and took off on a sidetrip# wa king a ong way through a suburb to the top of a arge hi # with a big bo- of items. (he star ight was refreshing. item%%?"28 3hi e in Berke ey I passed through a pub ic rose garden and met 'he y $ampton%(urner# an architect I had served as an office boy at (he 2rchitects 8o aborative in 8ambridge# >2# in about 1"64. I think she was unab e to te I was home ess# as our he o was unstrained by any such issues. Aind of unfortunate for me that she didn9t make any effort to e-tend the meeting# and I was wary enough to know not to suggest it.

item%%!!05 I bought a red s eeping bag in Berke ey. item%%1<55 I visited a modern art ga ery in Berke ey. item%%4!62 I brou/ed around the campus of the :niversity of 8a ifornia at Berke ey. I was aware that the dirt and grime was gathering around me as I wa ked around amidst a ot of posters and such. I went to ask to see 8har es (ownes# the inventor of the aser# who I knew was in the physics department. I asked his advice on ooking for a .ob in physics%%kind of a ridicu ous suggestion in my straits. $e didn9t have much to say. item%%?"52 2s I was wa king around in Berke ey it occurred to me that the statement in 2 ice 2nn Bai ey9s works that the 2kashic =ecord is read by ooking two inches away from the bridge of the nose# more or ess# I tried to wa k and keep my eyes focused on that spot. It didn9t rea y do much# but I tried to see if I cou d read the minds of passersby as I did it. 'i y# noF item%%?052 I app ied in Berke ey for a post office bo- under the a ias of James >earthie. 1"?2 05 1! 1 11 36 3! segment !300 1"?3 01 1? 1 02 41 06

item%%!023 I was hitchhiking in the rain by the entrance to the highway in Eak and# intending to head ;ast to my brother9s house in D en ; yn# IB# when I decided to get out of the rain by having some coffee at a restaurant I saw nearby. 2t the restaurant as I was having my coffee# my c othes soaking wet# there was a man at a tab e who made contact with me and I innocent y to d him enough of my situation that he knew he cou d take advantage of me# under the guise of he ping me. $e offerred me a p ace to stay for the night. 'o we went to this apartment with him. It was a terrib e mess. Dirt# debris# and furniture scattered here and abouts random y. $e took out some peanut butter for me and suggested I take my c othes off to dry. I stupid y did so. 2s he was putting peanut butter on some bread for me# he sudden y got aggressive. I was naked and saw this was a ousy situation# but un ess he actua y got vio ent there was nothing I cou d do. $e brandished the knife in his hands and it turned out to be a very sharp one. I spoke to him ca m y# didn9t egg him on# and eventua y he became peacefu again# though with a grin on his face. (hen he eft me to stay the night. (he ne-t morning I stupid y app ied myse f to c eaning up the p ace a itt e# scrubbing c ean a windowsi . $e came back to the apartment and ye ed at me for doing that. I got the sense this was a p ace he and maybe others kept for abusing vu nerab e persons and they wanted to keep it disorienting. 8ontinuing to be stupid# I went with him to the Eak and &ub ic Bibrary and he eft me there for a whi e

and after that I9m not sure what happened. (here was an issue about some books he had taken out. I remember deciding when I got back to the apartment that I needed to get away from this guy and eft the apartment in a hurry and made my escape. I then returned to hitchhiking. item%%D1"3 3hi e hitchhiking to 8hicago from Eak and I did a ot of wa king whi e waiting for rides. I stopped in at an 2rmy 7avy surp us store and bought one or two very handy sma items. >y hea th was very good and I was earning to pace myse f whi e near y penni ess but sti getting a ot of mi eage and persona action done. item%%4<D! It was a risk to appear at my brother Dave9s front door in D en ; yn# IB e-pecting him to et me stay. 2s it happened# he a owed it. <or a coup e months I stayed with him. En the p us side I did a ot of good drawings of ob.ects in the house. Ene of these I sti have# a se f%portrait. I gave one to Dave and years ater he sti had it and I made a photocopy of it for my app ication to II(9s schoo of architecture and got in. En the minus side# I was on and off psychotic the who e time I was there. Dave wasn9t feeding me and I had no money so it was natura I wou d be at my worst game. 2t one point he had the po ice over and they put me in handcuffs and took me to >adden >enta $ea th 8enter in $ines# IB. 3aiting in the admission room# Dave and I be ieve a so my sisters Bisa and Binda were present as I acted odd. I stayed in >adden for a week or so. I a so had an incident riding Dave9s bicyc e. I c osed my eyes for a whi e and crashed into a parked truck. I ay there on the pavement unti someone stopped and ca ed for a rescue vehic e. (hey took me to a hospita for -%rays but I was ok. Dave was upset he had to recover his bike from a gas station where they eft it. I wa ked a the way to Dave9s house from the hospita . In Berke ey# 82# I had bought a copy of 2 ice Bai ey9s Treatise on Cosmic Fire. In D en ; yn I turned every page in the book# .ust ooking at them but not reading them. I took the book on a wa k through D en ; yn. I was psychotic and eft the book somewhere on the ground. I never got it back. I found out the (heosophica 'ociety in 2merica was head+uartered in 3heaton# ne-t door to D en ; yn. I went and .oined. (hey had a beautifu bui ding and arge grounds. I en.oyed sitting in the ibrary reading Bai ey9s (nitiations4 +uman and #olar. (he ibrary had a very arge co ection. (hey had a painting of their founder# 2nnie Besant# on the wa outside the ibrary. I found out from someone she pronounced her name with the accent on Bes. I used my brother9s bicyc e to get to the (heosophica 'ociety. Ene morning I was washing dishes in the kitchen and a science e-periment occurred to me. I put a spoon in the faucet of the running water and ad.usted the pressure unti there was a beat fre+uency of drops on the stain ess stee sink. I further ad.usted the fre+uency unti it hit the fre+uency of the spoken voice. I was interested to see if there wou d be a voice imprinted on the drops# from out of the surroundings.

'udden y# a voice emerged from the drops hitting the sink. It said and repeated once the words# 0'oviet inte igence.0 (he sy ab es were a igned with the beat of the drops. 'ome time after that# I9m not sure if it was the same day or ater# I was in the kitchen and I heard a series of beats of sound coming from the iving room in the front of the house. (he beats then moved through the house to the kitchen# came toward me# and I began f ight behavior very s ow y. 2s I moved the beats tracked and c osed in on my head%%a behavior ref ecting cybernetics. 3hen they reached my head they dispersed. I had two visions whi e staying with my brother# both whi e ying in the bed in what had been my sister 'andy9s room upstairs. Ene vision was of a man turning to hand me# a young boy# some c othing. (he man was enormous and powerfu y muscu ar. $e was dressed in b ack ath etic c othing. (he other vision was of a sports combattant# a ta +uiet man who commanded the crowd by his stature a one. I was in the audience. I be ieve it was during my stay this time with my brother that I was invited to dinner at the home of the Dreenos in 3heaton# IB. Co anda and =o-anne had worked with me on the D en ; yn 'tudent :nion. (he Dreenos were very congenia and it was apparent they be ieved I was important in the ives of =o-anne and Co anda. I9m not sure how many of the daughters were present at this time# but I a so visited =o-anne at her home. 'he was married. I went on both visits on my brother9s bicyc e. I visited <ermi ab on bike as we # ooking for emp oyment. It was unsuccessfu . item%%!2"? I found in my brother9s house an artist9s drawing pad so I began to do drawings. I did a drawing of a scene in his iving room# inc uding the stack of birch ogs nest ed in a arge wicker basket# and a drawing on the wa of a 'iamese cat. (his was the drawing which I photocopied and sent in with my app ication to II(9s graduate schoo of architecture ater# in 1"?6# a successfu app ication. I did a drawing of the scu pture I had done of an 2frican mask on a maga/ine cover# a scu pture out of an oak# probab y# og. (he scu pture sat upside down on a cushion as I drew it. (he scu pture had been christened 0the bogey man0 by my sister Binda. I eft this drawing with the attendant on the gound f oor of the high%rise home of the prominent 7ew Cork architect# Dordon Bunshaft. I was home ess at the time of the gift. 2 sack containing other drawings# a impregnated with water from the rain# was taken from out my s eeping head on a sidewa k in the city the ne-t day or so. I did a drawing of the e-terior of a church in 7ew Cork. I a so did a drawing of a bui ding which I be ieve was by Bouis 'u ivan# ocated near the >en9s 'he ter on Bowery. 2nother drawing I did back at my brother9s p ace was a se f%portrait from my image in a mirror# showing a te-t of The +undred Thousand #ongs of >i arepa# The Bhaga)ad gita# A Treatise on Cosmic Fire by 2 ice 2nn Bai ey# and a ca cu us te-t# a books I had on hand at the time# on oan from the ibrary at the (heosophica 'ociety in 2merica head+uarters in 3heaton# in the case of the first two# my own in the case of the third# and of unkown source in the case of the fourth. (his drawing is in my own possession at this writing.

I did a drawing of a Jay9s &otato 8hip truck on a street in downtown 8hicago and a drawing of the then <irst 7ationa Bank of 8hicago tower. I a so did a drawing I humorous y ca ed #ecret Plans to Destroy the 3ni)erse whi e sitting in 3heaton ooking at a bui ding from a sma pub ic park. (hese were a penci drawings. I wou d estimate the +ua ity of these drawings to be very fine. (he se f% portrait is probab y the on y one surviving. item%%138" I used my time with avai ab e storage for a few books# something I didn9t have on the road# to do a itt e study of the I 8hing# whose discovery by me I discuss in segment 3600# item id ;;15. Bike many peop e who study the book# I acked counse on the best habit to keep# in particu ar how often and when to make a consu tation. (his is a point on which there is no apparent best habit perhaps because the orac e is in fact supposed to be usefu at any time whatsoever# for whatever reason. (hen on a certain day when I was in the bedroom upstairs where I s ept at night I heard a +uiet man9s voice say# with a fee ing it was directed at me# that I shou d consu t at sunup and sundown. I decided this wou d be a good habit# as it kept consu tations to a coup e a day# and got me into a frame of mind where I was content to get up around dawn# something I have a ways had troub e doing for very ong before I revert to rising ate. I kept a .ourna of my consu tations. item%%DD!D 2fter the >adden stay I had ost a my we come from Dave so I eft and headed 3estward. In 8heyenne# 3C# I got a temporary .ob with the 'a vation 2rmy ringing a be for 8hristmas. I had enough income to rent a hote room at the <rontier $ote . In my hote room I sat once in a otus position and sudden y my mind was f ushed with ight and I saw a vision of a woman standing beside a chest and putting something into it. It was seen through the eyes of a servant% ike man sitting on the f oor. I did some work researching 8hery (iegs and random numbers at the pub ic ibrary in 8heyenne. I found out >iss (iegs had had a prob em with menta i ness. 'he described having to stop on the highway because of an-iety. I a so found a statement by >iss (iegs to the effect that she a ways kept a ive the memory of a her overs. I sent a etter to the 8I2 with a ot of mysterious content. I posted it return receipt re+uested and got the receipt back. 3hen the .ob was over I became home ess in 8heyenne and hanged out on the grounds of the 'tate 8apitto and the airport. I sti had the red s eeping bag I had bought in Berke ey# 82. 3hi e ying in my s eeping bag on the grounds of the state capito I heard two voices# one in one ear saying the name 8hery (iegs# and one in the other ear saying the name D oria 'teinem. (hese two voices re ate to the e-perience of initiation I had in 8 aremont# 82 in 1"?0# documented in this autobiography in segment !05"# item 1!28. En that occasion the two voices were ma e.

(hen I headed ;ast to 7ew Cork 8ity. @@item%%2684 1"?2 11 to 1"?4 06 'tarting in 7ew Cork 8ity# hitchhiked in a circ e three times between 7ew Cork# 7CM 7ew $aven# 8(M and Boston# >2.M ending up in Boston. item%%4228 (he first few nights in 7ew Cork I had nowhere to s eep. (he first night I s ept on a sidewa k with my pack as pi ow. (he pack had in it some drawings I had done in D en ; yn and it was taken during the night. I went to a charismatic church choir rehearsa . (here were snacks afterward that he ped. I met a ady who took me under her wing and she showed me a comic book about 'aint <rancis which I read as she took me on a bus to a church counse ing service somewhere. It was the most I had ever earned about the man. 2t the church office they weren9t ab e to he p me. En my own again I went to the 7ew Cork 8ity >en9s 'he ter on Bowery. I took one ook and eft. It was a nightmare. I ca ed Debby Dans# who ived in the city# and she offerred to meet with me. 3e set up a time to meet at a sma restaurant. 2t the restaurant# where she had a friend%%I suppose she didn9t trust me%%she urged me to go back to the >en9s 'he ter and give it another try because there wasn9t any p ace e se to stay in the city. I went back and with the certainty it was the on y way I stayed for one night at one of its out ying she ters. (his was a breakthrough because I knew it wou d work# despite the bad conditions. item%%;1D2 During one of my stops in 7ew $aven# 8( during the winter I was wa king by the back end of the Ca e Baw 'choo at dusk and decided not to ook for a p ace to s eep the night. It was a +uestion of assessment of risk of dying of frostbite or hypothermia in my s eep. I had a ight .acket on. (he outside p aces that were private enough to escape being found and arrested were a e-posed. $ere at the Baw 'choo was a doorway with a sma roof and wa s. I decided to try to stand here a night. I stood in one corner and over the course of the ear y night gradua y found ways to maintain my ca m# which I knew I had to do to keep from needing to bust e around# which presented a risk of oss of heat. 2bout midnight this process ed to having to et shivvers trave from one p ace to another on my body# so that I cou d a ow my body to pursue its necessary response to the co d whi e keeping it in a sma magnitude so that it wou dn9t ead to bust ing. (here was on y one company of wa kers by the site a night. (hey didn9t bother me. 3hen the sun came up and I rea i/ed I had succeeded in my design I eft the nook# but et oose a wrenching scream because I knew there was tension of a menta kind to doing what I .ust did that

needed to be vented or it wou d have ed to prob ems. >y thanks to Ca e for providing heat# and apo ogies for trespassing. item%%D82D I was wa king through the Ca e Baw 'choo one day and stopped to ook at a bu etin board. (here I found a notice that said there were about !!0 monarchies in the :nited 'tates and there was to be a meeting about this topic somewhere at the aw schoo . $aving no schedu e of my own I was unab e to make a point of going. (he presence in the :.'. of monarchies meant a great dea to me# particu ar y because it was evident the aw was aware of them. I was unab e to determine from these facts whether monarchies were written into the aw or were .ust discussed by awyers. 3hat atitude was there in the 8onstitution for the e-istence of one or more monarchiesF It seems a +uestion with a great variety of responses# at east to me as a ayman. 8ertain y a person wea thy enough to pay a aw firm to erect a ega structure that wou d compromise to some e-tent the power of the government to govern the person# wou d# depending on the success of such a venture# be ca ed a monarch with some basis in rea ity. (he footho d of such a structure# within the aw# might be narrow# but so ong as its detai s were known on y to a few peop e this might not be an obstac e. 8 ear y money is centra # but c ear y too# not e-c usive y so. <or a discussion of my induction into such a monarchy# see segment 6100# item id 22?!. 1"?3 01 1? 1 02 41 06 segment !400 1"?3 0? 23 0 0! 44 40

item%%!1<? I did some artists9 mode ing at the 8ambridge 2du t ;ducation center. 3hen I went to the office before the first .ob one of the staff informed me that it was accepted practice for the mode s to contract# my word# for se- with the students. I thought to myse f then that this was not my sort of business# and I never did it# the se- for hire that is. item%%;?88 2fter a whi e I got we acc imated to the work of artists9 mode and took some persona interest in it# inc uding the work that the students did. (he ast time I had stayed with my brother in D en ; yn I had found my artist9s ta ent# so I was ab e to re ate with some insight to the work they were doing# though I kept my remarks to a minimum as that was not what I was getting paid for. I became aware that the gir s in the c asses were attributing genera mastery to me in the c assroom. 3hen this deve oped I took it upon myse f when breaks had run their course of time to c ap my hands twice to ca the students and teacher back to their work. I did this with care not to seem bossy. It was simp y a matter of being the one to do it# given my stature among everyone.# and I was ab e to e-hibit the fact to them that this mastery went as far as the c ass and no further# and was not for the purpose of demonstrativeness# .sut good c ass order# and a better working environment. I had a watch. Ence at the 8enter a gir did a drawing of me that was so f attering in its muscu arity that I considered it biased# a though I a so considered it to have possib y been comp ete y accurate to what she saw. I knew I had over that past year or so deve oped a arge upper torso. I attributed the argeness to the natura conse+uences of taking up a habit in 7ew Cork 8ity of eaping up and grabbing traffic ights on corners and doing some pu %ups. (he ones for wa kers were ow to the ground. item%%<BD8 Ene evening# wa king in 8ambridge# >2 on Dunster 'treet# where $o yoke 8enter is on the ;ast side and on the 3est side is a bui ding where there is a basement Ita ian restaurant where I once ate with

Boring Ingraham and a b ack $arvard student friend of his named Bart Brown ,see segment 3600 item 83;D*# I passed by a convertib e u-ury car with the top down and there was a b ack gir seated on the top. 'he was the first b ack gir I had ever seen who was attractive to me. 'he had beads in her hair. I said something as a f irt to her and she said something as a f irt back and this stimu ated me to be more aggressive as a home ess. 1"?3 0? 23 0 0! 44 40 segment !!00 1"?4 03 25 1 0? 4? 12

item%%B2;" (he ast oop around 7ew Cork# 7ew $aven# and Boston# I had been doing significant ogistica drawings and in 7ew Cork I did some at a ibrary at 8o umbia :niversity. I stopped there because it was on the route wa king from the <ort 3ashington men9s she ter back to the centra she ter offices and dining ha on Bowery. <ee ing that others were interested for i in my drawings# as I was eaving the 8o umbia campus I dropped a my drawings on a p anter# hoping some students wou d find them instead of some neerdowe s. (he ne-t day or so as I was passing through the neighborhood of 8o umbia I was stopped by a camera crew. 'omeone asked me if I wou d make a statement about 0ha/ard.0 I agreed and as the camera recorded me I made a itt e statement to the effect that I thought comets and asteroids posed a ha/ard# but in a ight spirit and with a bright smi e. (hey thanked me and that was it. But a coup e days ater in a comp ete y different part of the city# outside the 8atho ic 8enter at 7ew Cork :niversity# another camera crew stopped me and asked me to make a statement about the very same thing%%ha/ard. I said ok and this time they had me sign a re ease. (hen they to d me to go around the corner and there I wou d make my statement. 8ornering the bui ding I was considerab y nervous# but I gathered my courage and proceeded around the corner. 2round the corner was a cameraman and an attractive young woman with a microphone. I stood near the woman and after a moment she cued me to start my statement. I ta ked for about a ha f a minute and a uded to there being a need to consider ha/ard in nove ways. $a f way into it I turned to ook at the camera and gave a big smi e. 3hen I was done the ady thanked me and I went on my way# 'outhward. I ce ebrated at >cDona d9s# being fortunate at that moment to have a itt e change. I heard nothing about these two recordings unti 1"?!# the day before 8hristmas# when I was a guest at a she ter in Boston# the &arker 'treet 'he ter. 2 friend of mine named Irving Ains ey commented to me that the night before he had seen me on te evision. I considered there to be ots of uncertainty# and ha/ard# to any attempt I might have made to fo ow up on being a 0ce ebrity0 without a comp ement of associates to meet the event# and remained si ent# to Irving9s curiousity. 'ince then there have been a coup e of fi ms that fictiona y treated the idea of a comet or asteroid hitting the earth. Ene was entit ed# 0Deep Impact.0 I don9t know for sure# but my second statement

might have had one. It was a pub ic service message# you might say. It seems to have resu ted in a better approach to ha/ards by some of the ru ing c ass in the :nited 'tates. item%%2050 I stayed whi e in 7ew Cork 8ity at two she ters# (he 7ew Cork 8ity >en9s 'he ter and $o y 7ame 'he ter. (he 7C8 >en9s 'he ter had a centra ocation in a bui ding on Bowery. 2t nighttime we wou d wait for busses to arrive to take us to severa different ocations around the city where there were s eeping faci ities. (hey a so had a dining ha in the centra bui ding where they served unch and dinner. (he ine for mea s was very crowded# e-tending from outside the bui ding# up to the top of the bui ding and back down again in a strairwe to the dining ha . 3e waited five abreast and c ose together. (he she ters for s eeping that I reca were <ort 3ashington# which was an unused mi itary arsena # a schoo in Brook yn# a schoo in the Bron-# and a site on an is and where there was a so a prison. In Brook yn we got showers a so. It was in Brook yn that one of the men came in and upended the bed I was s eeping in# tossing me onto the f oor. $e wanted it for himse f# as beds were short of the needed number. I escaped to the auditorium where I s ept in a seat. 3a king around the centra bui ding on Bowery I was struck once by a man who didn9t ike how c ose I was wa king behind him and they took me to a hospita for stitches. 2nother time two men cornered me on the street around the corner from the centra bui ding and knocked me to the ground. I got up and confronted one of them and said I wou d take them one at a time. $e saw I intended to fight and the two of them went away. Ene day waiting outside in ine for unch in a big crowd# some young white man said into the crowd# 0I9m getting tired protecting the :.'. citi/en.0 I didn9t know# but I be ieved he was ta king about me and this was a sign that someone I had met whi e bicyc ing in ;urope iked me enough to protect me from this kind of situation in hopes I wou d return to ;urope. Bater# in ine for a mea at the centra bui ding# at the entrance to the dining ha # a man said# 0give me your penci .0 I was ho ding it in my hand. I was doing important drawings at the genera time and didn9t want to part with my penci . I immediate y suspected he was .ust trying to keep me from doing drawings. B ack peop e are natura y suspicious of whites in their territory. I said no and he then grabbed the penci out of my hand. I grabbed it back. 2 itt e ater sti in ine he was facing forward ahead of me in ine and I motioned c apping his ears with my two hands# which I knew had potentia to ki him. 2nother b ack man sitting eating warned him that I was doing this. 3hen I was seated he said he was going to attack me on a dark street corner. I said no# I wou d attack him on a dark street corner.

3hen I finished my mea I went outside through the back e-it# put my books down on the sidewa k# and started back toward the e-it ooking for him. $ere he came surrounded by a crowd of other b ack men. I strode up to him# kicked him in the chest# twice# and grabbed onto him and pu ed him into the street wrest ing with hiim. 3e came upright and I managed to get aho d of him from behind. (hat was a take% down in wrest ing terms. 2b ack po iceman sudden y appeared right behind me and tapped me on the shou der with his baton and asked me what I was doing. I saw my penci on the ground# picked it up# and said he had sto en my penci . It ooked ike he had .ust sto en it# but he hadn9t. (he penci had fa en out of my shirt pocket. (he po iceman to d me to move on. I did. (he fe ow was ta er than me by an inch. item%%48;3 (he 7ew Cork :niversity 8atho ic 8enter# which was c ose to Bowery# had a soup kitchen I went to. I met a nun there and she found out I knew something about the I 8hing. 'he was interested in that and invited me to come to her office one day to discuss it. 3e had a nice ta k for a ha f hour or so. I had a so been using the 8atho ic 8enter ibrary and there was a piano there that I wou d sit down and p ay on. I was se f%taught in the c assics. (he nun found out about this and asked me if I wou d p ay for a 8atho ic 8enter function coming up# for pay. 2t the function I sat down at the piano and a ternated between a itt e theme I had written myse f whi e using the practice pianos at Ca e# in $arkness $a # whi e home ess# this with Beethoven9s fur ; ise. (hey went together nice y. I p ayed them a ot of times and it b ended in we with the genera noise of everyone ta king. 2fter a whi e someone came to me and gave me an enve ope and si ent y indicated I had p ayed enough to earn it# and I cou d go. (here was a twenty do ar bi in the enve ope. item%%<D?0 I knew that 2 ice Bai ey9s organi/ation# ca ed the 2rcane 'choo # had its head+uarters in 7ew Cork 8ity and I ocated it. It was right near the :nited 7ations. (hey had a sma ibrary. I used the ibrary severa times and thought the ibrarian was nice ooking. I asked her if she was married. I don9t reca if she rep ied. (he ne-t time I came the door to the ibrary was ocked and I had to enter through the main door. I suspected they wanted to know when I arrived because the ibrarian had paniced over my asking her if she was married. (he ne-t time I came I met a woman I had met in 3heaton# IB at the (heosophica 'ociety in 2merica head+uarters# a beautifu bui ding on arge grounds which I discovered when I was iving with my brother in D en ; yn# the neighboring town# when I was home ess. (his woman was ta and attractive# a b ond. 'he was doing vo unteer work for the 2rcane 'choo . 'he invited me to unch# and shared hers# which she bought at the bui ding cafeteria# with me. 3e went outside and sat on a bench in a nearby sma park with a statue in it.

item%%33!! I checked out of the ibrary at the schoo of 2 ice Bai ey a book of compi ed writings by Bai ey on the topic of se-. It got sto en when I was staying at <ort 3ashington and I managed to assemb e the cost of the book to pay it to the Bai ey peop e. (he amount was about twenty do ars. item%%<"15 En my wa k from the <ort 3ashington she ter to the Bowery she ter# on the norther y part of the wa k# I stopped in at a bookstore to browse. 2t the rear of the store I spotted a copy of The Prophet by Aah i Dibran# of which I was fami iar. (o get c ose to it and ook it over I got down on my knees# and at that moment when my knees hit the f oor an aura departed my bokdy and e-pressed reverence for the scene# then disappeared. (he aura was very fami iar with my vision# but was not identica with me. Beaving the bookstore I saw across the street a +uarters for the organi/ation of the =everend 'un >yung >oon. I went in and ooked around# was met by somey of the peop e there# and departed. item%%3201 2t one point in 7ew Cork 8ity I got frustrated with being poor and decided to commit suicide. I bought a bott e of s eeping pi s# went behind the 7ew Cork :niversity Bibrary# and took a the pi s and ay down on the sidewa k. I went to s eep# s ept for a coup e hours# and woke up unaffected# then I wa ked away. It was daytime. item%%6324 I was wa king 7orth in >anhattan and passed a house with a sunken entry eve and a b ack man was there with severa b ack puppies and he stopped me and asked if I wanted a puppy. It was gross y irresponsib e of him to offer one to a perfect stranger and he didn9t even ask me for my name. It was a so gross y irresponsib e for me to accept# and I did. I wa ked away with my puppy. 2t the entrance to an e-pressway I paused and propped the puppy up on a barrier to ook at the e-pressway eading out of 7ew Cork and wondered if it was the dog9s fate to eave the city with me. I decided against it. I took off my scarf and the puppy put the end in its mouth and we wa ked a ong together ike that# crossing streets. In 8entra &ark I et the puppy drink from a water fountain. 3hen we came upon the Duggenheim >useum there was a crowd of peop e sitting around the entrance and in a festive mood and it occurred to me that I had no way to buy food for the dog so I et him go into the crowd and I never saw him again. I was hoping someone wou d see that he was without an owner and take him in. (hey were we %dressed peop e and one of them wou d have been more ab e than me to provide the dog with a home. I have images in my mind# however# of the puppy wandering the streets of 7ew Cork eating scraps from the garbage and being co d in the winter. Its origina owner bears some of the b ame for this. En the 3est 8oast# home ess# I fe in# simi ar y# with a kitten# as discussed in segment !100# item id 2!4?.

item%%D35" $aving decided to eave 7ew Cork 8ity because I wasn9t getting enough to eat I started hitchhiking toward the ;ast from the 7ew Cork >en9s 'he ter north of $ar em# heading toward 7ew $aven. I got the fee ing my tormenters# the peop e who had b ack isted me# were watching me from space. I eaped into the air in great anger and fury. It was physica y ike my eap into the air whi e I was working on the D en ; yn 'tudent :nion in 1"60# as described in segment 3200# item ;5"2. item%%60DD (his time around the oop of 7ew Cork 8ity# 7ew $aven# and Boston# I did some drawings at the Ca e ibrary# in 7ew $aven. I ca them drawings because they weren9t in ;ng ish# so ca ing them 0writings0 wou d be mis eading. Ene drawing started with a sing e stroke# straight# and added more and more stratight strokes as ogica additions unti there were five para e rectangu ar arrays of marks. $aving no home# I had no way to keep the drawing indefinite y# as I fe t I shou d# so I wa ked s ow y to the waste receptic e and gent y p aced the sheet inside and wa ked away and out of the ibrary. item%%4812 I did another drawing on another occasion in which I wrote an 0i0 and then saw the sense behind gent y curving another such figure at its bottom. (his gent e appendage I conceived of as the ogica difference between inorganic substance and organic substance. item%%226< In the periodica room at the Ca e ibrary I wrote down a point# and then a ine beside it. 2t this .uncture I rea i/ed that I had an e-tendab e se+uence. Beside the ine I made a circ e# but this I fe t was incomp ete in itse f. I put another point with a ine beside it inside the circ e# because that figure iterated what went before it# as we as e-tended it. I then treated these three characters# the point# the ine# and the circ ed point and ine# as digits in a number base of three# so I wrote the numbers 000 to 222 in base three using my geometric character set as the digits. I knew I now had a better representation of the foundation of ;ng ish than .ust base three using the digits 0#1# and 2# which I had origina y conceived as ;ng ish in 1"?1 in 'anta 8ru/. 25 etters p us the space as another digit%%the /ero%%make a character set of 26 digits# ab e to represent base 26. But 26 can be formed from three digits of base 3# because 26 e+ua s 3 to the 3 power. (hen I wanted a way to e-press the digit 0 consistent with e-pressing the digit 2 as two beats and the digit 1 as one beat. If there were to be on y three digits# each represented somehow as beats%%which are transmittab e as a signa %%then the ogica choice was for /ero to be represented by three beats. (his system is app icab e to any number base. Barger bases than three get to be uninteresting because they are so simi ar to indefinite y repeating beats. But base two is very interesting. (wo beats for /ero# one beat for one. 7ow I can use base two beat code to transform base three beat code. 2nd I can use base two beat code to transform the resu t. 2nd I can use base two beat code repeated y on any base three beat code ,or on any base beat code*.

In receipt of a many times repeated transformation# an inte igent agent wi start inverse transforming with inverse base two beat code unti he gets at east one se+uence of three or more beats# signa ing he has reached the stage of transformation .ust before the point at which base two beat code was started to be used to transform the message. Bess inte igent agents# sufficient y ess inte igent that is# wi not know that the received message represents anything other than se+uences of beats numbering .ust one or two. 2 message high y transformed with base two beat code can as a resu t be transmitted into a popu ous region and it wi segregate the popu ation into those ab e to get the under ying message and those not ab e to get it. 2ccompanied by a message not transformed by base two beat code# which some of the ess inte igent agents wi be ab e to decode# wi guarantee that the sheet on which the messages are p aced wi be treated as inte igence# thus possib y bringing it to the attention of higher inte igent agents# who wi get the more transformed message and be ab e to do it in secret# as higher inte igent agents are ab e to do. 'uch a doub e message has the potentia to transform an entire popu ation. I now refer the reader to segment 5!00# item id D"84. item%%242" Ca e had me arrested a number of times for trespassing. (he chief of Ca e po ice got to know me a itt e. Ence I wrote a etter to the &resident of Ca e and hand de ivered it to 3oodbridge $a # the president9s office. I handed a secretary on the second f oor the enve ope and went downstairs and sat on a bench to recoup my thoughts. 2s I was sitting there a swarm of po ice came in and surrounded me. (he chief saw I was not frothing at the mouth and asked me to go out and sit a s+uad car for a minute. I did so. (hey must have wanted to see if I had done anything frightening before etting me go. I hadn9t# and they came out and to d me I cou d go. 2s far as I know there is a standing watch on my person at Ca e to this day. In contrast to this# the a umni house a ways greeted me warm y and I spent many an hour sitting in their common room reading the newspaper and drinking comp imentary coffee. It was apparent y a matter of information# the a umni association being more ab e to .udge me than the university itse f. (here might a so have been some ega distinction between the two that gave the a umni office more discretion. item%%D?45 (he ;piscopa 8hurch between ; m 'treet and Broadway 2venue in 7ew $aven served soup for unch dai y to anyone who came. It was ca ed (he Broadway 'oup Aitchen. (hey were given eftover soup from a nearby restaurant that was e-ce ent if you had paid for it. (hey a so served some other sumptuous dishes# notab y when there were some beautifu innocent young gir s in the serving ine for some reason. En one occasion I got into an oratoria argument with a young b ack man standing by a wa and said to him we wou d see about things at my do.o# or something ike that. I went back to my seat. 2 moment ater he appeared behind me and I noticed that there were about three young b ack men stationed a around me ooking on# watching for possib e intrusions of staff of the soup kitchen. >y adversary said something vague y threatening to which I decided the proper rep y was si ence and after there appeared

to be a standoff he wa ked away. 2nother occasion on another day I was seated eating when I found I needed to eave my seat for a moment. >y pack was stuffed under my seat and I eft it there. 3hen I returned it was gone. (here was about twenty do ars in cash in it# given to me by a woman named 'usan whom I had met at Inga s $ockey =ink and who a owed me to stay with her and her husband Jim for a few days. Ene day after eating at this soup kitchen i met a ta we bui t b ack man and we sat down together on a bench not far from the church. $e said he had been a sparring partner for Beon 'pinks# I be ieve he said it was. 3e broached the sub.ect of having a itt e round of sparring the two of us but we .ust sat g oomi y and ooked at our hands instead. (he ine for the soup kitchen# which went through the kitchen and out the back door# was a ways ong and I discovered that peop e in ines in poverty tend to crowd the ine forward as much as possib e. I decided this was counter to everyone9s interests and deve oped a ski at eaving about two yards between myse f and the person ahead of me and enforcing it over the ca s from everyone behind me to 0move upI move upI (his pressure from the crowd verged on getting physica y dangerous but I managed to avoid that outcome# somehow without discussing my view of the matter# which I knew wou d on y degenerate into a shooting match which wou d do no good and weaken my position. I app ied this ski as a resident at Bryn >awr 8are in 8hicago rough y between 1""3 and 2011. I met at the soup kitchen an e der y man who turned out to be of 8/echos ovakian birth# with an accent. (his was about 1"?3. I asked him if he had heard of the Batek shoe company. $e perked up right away and said yes he had. $e seemed to consider it a we known company in 8/echos ovakia. (he man9s name# he said# was Ivan. $e dressed in a neat suit .acket and kept with him a shopping cart. (he conversation about the Batek shoe company occurred on the street outside the soup kitchen. item%%8364 I attended a dance at an ;piscopa 8hurch in <airhaven. (he chairman of the Ca e astronomy department# 3i iam van 2 tena# was there# sing e after a divorce from his wife# Jean# whom I met when she was working at the Broadway 'oup Aitchen and I was eating there. I didn9t speak to >r. van 2 tena at the dance# but he saw me. 2fter the event I hanged around and no one saw me go into the sanctuary so I decided to stay the night. Before going to s eep I went down to the a tar# took off my c othes# and masturbated on the p atform. item%%2222 Ene night I went into the 'i iman 8o ege ibrary at Ca e for some reason and found no one there. I took off my c othes# got on a big ibrary tab e# and masturbated. 7o one saw it. I didn9t think of it then# but this abuse of 'i iman property bears on another such abuse I witnessed but dec ined to .oin as a Ca e student. 2s recounted in segment 31# item id 5?"4# a 'i iman 8o ege seminar I was in smoked some hashish in c ass. (he instructor# =oger ;ber ie# was inc uded# but I dec ined it. <ina y# there was an instance of a coho used in a c ass he d in 'i iman# as discussed in segment 3300#

item id D212. item%%<1B; I stayed for a whi e at a temporary she ter in a schoo gym .ust outside 7ew $aven to which we men were bussed from a ho ding area in a workers9 rehabi itation center in 7ew $aven. 'omeone said confidentia y that Ca e had set this arrangement up. I was gratefu . (he mea s they served us at the rehab center were so precious. 3e men stood in ine with gent e +uiet reserve# each one sensing the rareness of this moment in our strugg e with home essness. (he workers for the she ter were suitab y somber and showed e-ecptiona care for us. 'eated and eating# someone asked me my name and I gave the a ias of 'am. 7o particu ar reason. 2t the actua she ter# in a gymnasium of a schoo # we ined up for breakfast on the gym f oor. Ence# in my habit of eaving a ot of space between myse f and the person ahead of me in ine# a fe ow I knew from 8o umbus $ouse who was behind me advanced past me. I took a swipe and grabbed him by the shou der and pu ed him back behind me. $e was a +uiet guy# seemed a ways to ta k to himse f in subdued tones# and was big of stature. 3ore a beret. $e said nothing when I pu ed him back# and stayed put behind me. Eur s eeping means were army cots. 3e each set up our own cot# in a rectangu ar grid some 1! feet by 1! feet apart. & enty of room# so they used it. In setting up my cot I found that my c asses in 2iAiDo at :8'8 were usefu . 3e were taught to fight whi e on our knees. I set up my cot on my knees. I imagined that >orihei :eshiba# the founder of 2iAiDo# had created the martia art whi e in the army# setting up a cot each night. Ene she ter guest by the name of 'cotty# a rea veteran of home essness by the way he dressed and kept his things# spoke with me once after we had set up our cots. $e was a 7ew $aven native and e-pressed confidence that I wou d escape home essness. 3ith this e-pression of support# I fe t ike a of 7ew $aven was behind me# and knew of my strugg es. 3aiting with the group in the parking ot before the busses arrived# I wou d p ay the game I invented whi e hitchhiking home ess# which I ca ed the stone game. I wou d pick up two stones in my right hand# ho d tight y onto one# and with the same hand throw the other far away with a steep ang e of e evation. (hen# whi e the stone was sti in f ight# I wou d throw the other stone at it# on a straiter tra.ectory# attempting to hit the first stone with the second. I cou d practice at sma distances and I worked my way up to far distnces. 'uccessfu co isions fe t very good# especia y at a far distance. (his game reminds me of the game John Dobson p ayed# throwing a stone eft%handed to hit a distant ight post as described in segment 4500# item id ?00B. item%%?335 3aiting for the gym she ter to open# in the dark# I wou d raise my eg and point it to the toes high in the air# signa ing to other guests my fami iarity with martia arts. item%%;6<6 7ew $aven had fi-ed up a she ter ca ed 8o umbus $ouse rea good by the time I made my ast pass through town on my triangu ar circu t between 7ew Cork# 7ew $aven# and Boston. (he first day I went to it and twenty or so persons were in ine outside waiting for it to open an hour or

so before dinnertime# there was an Ita ian man standing in the yard with a bi iards cue stick in his hand. $e gave it to me the way Jon <atu a had handed me a sword in the attic of his home in Beaver <a s# &2# when the two of us were Ca e students. Jon was a champion fencer. En the first f oor of the she ter there was an administrative office where everyone was checked in# a den with a (J# and a dining room. En the one or two upper f oors there were showers# toi ets# and bedrooms. Ene time my bowe s were so fi ed with feces# and the pressure so great# that I had to stand on my head on the toi et seat to ease the pain. Ene doesn9t have ready access to toi ets when home ess if he observes the usua regu ations restricting restaurant restroom use to customers. Ence I was put in a bedroom with a handfu of roudy youths who were making troub e for me# for no apparent reason. (hey s apped at me as I ay in bed. (he ne-t day as I wa ked away from the she ter they marched in formation behind me and threw various ob.ects at me. 2 fre+uent guest at the she ter was a minstre with a guitar. $e kept p aying 0:ptown Dir 0 over and over again. I had no choice but to ike it# as it kind of burned a ho e in my mind. I had earned to make space for myse f in a town when I was in 7ew Cork the previous time. I wou d sight over my outstretched hand and forefinger at ob.ects of strategic significance# especia y peop e in charge. (here was nothing they cou d do about it. I did this to two gent emen standing in a ha way at 8o umbus $ouse. Ene of them was a uniformed po ice officer. (hey .ust ooked at me b and y. (here was a pair of thrones in the downstairs ha way. (hey must have been from a stage set. Duests wou d sit in them and make fun of it a . I had been doing drawings at the Ca e ibrary of abstract thoughts of mine# so I used the time before dinner in the den to write a few characters on a scrap of newspaper. It was a mathematica progression in very genera terms. 2fter it was done I counted the characters. (here were ten. (he ru e was you had to turn in everything in your possession before going to the bedrooms. I didn9t want to give them my characters but I decided I wou d p ay it by the ru es and gave them up. (he ne-t morning they cou dn9t find the sheet. I considered it important to have those characters so after I had wa ked away from the she ter a ways I stopped and stooped down in the co d of winter and took out a scrap of paper and penci and wrote down a ten characters from memory e-cept one of them. (hat one that I cou dn9t remember e-act y I did have some thoughts about it and made a mark concerning those thoughts in p ace of the character# and under ined it to show it was different from the others as recorded. I came up with a c ose match to the missing character when I was a resident at a she ter in Boston a coup e years ater. 3hi e home ess in a she ter in Detroit# >I# in 1""6# I e-tended the set of characters to 15 in a so that I can use he-adecima functions on ca cu ators and computers in con.unction with the set of my own characters. I occasiona y refer to these characters as my own anguage. (here are no sounds for them# e-cept for three of them which occur in other anguages# two in ;ng ish and one in Dreek. I prefer not to use those sounds# but the two ;ng ish ones are hard to avoid. (his is a arge topic which wi remain

undisc osed e-cept to my future spouse and descendants# if they occur. $e-adecima # composed of ten digits from the 2rabic numera s and si- etters from ;ng ish ,2%<*# I refer to as a mongre . &ossessing the set of 0wounded0 characters in 7ew $aven# I happened to visit the Ca e emp oyment assistance office# or some sort of titie ike that# and they had scrap paper and penci s so I wrote out the ten characters about a do/en times on a sheet# one under the other# and made a who e bunch of such sheets. I figured they were va uab e to anyone# if they were ab e to understand them. (hen the ne-t day I was in a >cDona ds store and saw a guy there I9d seen staying at 8o umbus $ouse. I said he o and sat down for a chat with him. 3e .ust ta ked brief y# but I happened to think he might ike a sheet of my characters so I took out the who e wad and said# 0I have these things. 3ou d you ike oneF0 I didn9t say they were my own creations. 2t that point it was irre evant to a dea . $e said yes# so I gave him one# he commented# for reasons I was eft to guess at# 0I have an army of creeps and hood ums#0 and then I eft. (he ook on this fe ow9s face when I offerred him a sheet was one of# 0you9re offerring me a map to a treasureI%% sure I9 take itII0 (he ook on his face when he said he had an army was very matter of fact. (hen I was wa king .ust ;ast of the Ca e campus and decided there wou dn9t be any more opportunities to give away sheets in a contro ed setting# so I ditched the who e bunch of them into the street# by the curb. <orgetting the characters was no onger a danger# so it was safe to ditch them# I figured. Bater# when I was on the street in 7ew $aven in the co d in a semi%residentia area .ust 7orth of the Ca e campus# I saw the same guy I had given the sheet to wa king by me a hudd ed up and shivering s ight y in his brown eather .acket. 3e said hi. (his fe ow had asked me at 8o umbus $ouse very respectfu y how many generations it took to achieve egitimacy in the :nited 'tates. I considered my own fami y a good e-amp e# my mother9s side being here in the 1500s and my father9s side being here for two generations# so I said to the fe ow 0two.0 item%%BD81 (he ast time Ca e arrested me I went to .ai for two weeks at the 3ha ey 2venue center. (here was a p ainc othesman who was an aide and he was very he pfu keeping order during the showertime. Ence I did a martia arts pose in the dining room with one other# younger# inmate present. $e was a eyes and the camera must have caught the moment. 2t the end I appeared before a .udge at the 7ew $aven courthouse and he to d me I shou d eave town. I did. I returned once when I got estab ished in Boston# trave ing by p ane to &rovidence# missing my connection to (weed in 7ew $aven# and taking a cab to 7ew $aven. I stayed at the $o iday Inn for that visit. (he who e point of it was to see if they wou d arrest me on sight because of the .udge9s statement about me needing to eave town. I ca ed my mother in 8hicago from the $o iday Inn and said I wanted to go to <rance. I had .ust received severa thousand do ars in back payments from 'ocia 'ecurity so I cou d have gotten there. It

a so gave me the confidence to make the 7ew $aven trip. 1"?4 03 25 1 0? 4? 12 segment !500 1"?4 10 2" 0 11 !1 4!

item%%3"?B 8oming into Boston# sitting on a bench on the 8har es =iver at nighttime under a street ight# I happened to have some pennies and with some uncertainty about what ay ahead for me I took a scrap of cardboard I found and recorded on it some castings of one or more of the pennies. I don9t reca the resu ts. I do reca to a certain e-tent going over in my mind the various imp ications of the resu ts in terms of the I 8hing. It is possib e I did a arge number of tosses# but it is a so possib e I on y did a sma number of them. I don9t remember c ear y. But about this time I was using the I 8hing every so often when I happened to have three pennies. :sua y I didn9t have a book and re ied on my know edge of the si- positions of a he-agram9s ines to derive a description of the time I was in. If I did an I 8hing casting at this time there wou d have had to have been some organi/ation into groups of si- binary castings and if I did a hundred or so# as may have been the case# they wou d have had to have been in groups of si- and contradicitons between the he-agrams. 2 arge number of castings# however# might have appea ed to me for other reasons than the I 8hing. In any case# I do remember ater# as a guest at the &arker 'treet 'he ter in Boston# tossing one or three pennies one hundred times and recording the resu ts# for the same reason. (he three coin toss method for the I 8hing has four unordered possibi ities and so it gives two types of each of the two binary resu ts. (his distinction is between young and o d. 2 young resu t is said to remain constant throughout the duration in which the consu tation app ies. 2n o d resu t is said to be so strong it changes the binary resu t to its opposite# over time. (he two binary resu ts are ca ed yang and yin. 2 heads and two ta es is young yang. 2 tai s and two heads is young yin. (hree heads is o d yand. (hree tai s is o d yin. 2 young yang or yin can happen three ways. 2n o d yang or yin can on y happen one way. 2 of the eight possib e resu ts are thus accounted for. 2 manner of ceremonies are concocted. I don9t use them. 2nd I a so disregard the distinction between o d and young. I use a ca cu ator to generate a random number# mu tip y by 54# and add one. But if I ever were to wind up without a ca cu ator I wou d use coins# or if a random book were handy# I wou d choose a sentence at random# count the words in it# and ca it yang if odd and yin if even. I9ve done this with the Bib e# a kind of impudence I9m sure no 8hristian wou d find amusing. item%%"??2 <resh in Boston from 7ew $aven# I was wa king downtown and one of those urges from seeing so many attractive women came upon me and I got down in the gutter of the street and masturbated without removing a my c othes. Intercourse was not an option for a home ess person. item%%2<5? I was in the entrance foyer to the 8ambridge &ub ic Bibrary and saw 2nn $artmere and said he o to her by name. 'he was de ighted to see me and said he o to me by name. I discuss 2nn# who was the ibrarian at (he 2rchitects 8o aborative when I worked there# in segment 3?00# item 52D!. item%%;866 1"?4 05 3hen I arrived in 8ambridge# >2# from 7ew $aven# 8(# I discarded my shirt and appeared at a

she ter to stay for the night# but they insisted I first go to 8ambridge $ospita 9s psych emergency room to be checked out. 2t the psych emergency room they decided to admit me to the psych ward of the hospita . item%%;;<B >y socia worker at the hospita was a beautifu ta dark%haired gir named $o y <riedman. Ene day I was ta kiing to her at the desk and there was a noisy crowd of five other fema e staff right ne-t to us. <ee ing drawn to the circumstances because I needed more fema eness than one gir and the crowd of five gir s provided it# p us fee ing drawn to $o y in a big way# I said to $o y# 0Bet9s get married.0 'he said# 0whenF0 I said# 0in a year.0 'he said# 0ok# that wi be fine0 or something ike that. 2t that moment I was comp ete y ready to fo ow through with that p an# but in my ne-t session with my psychiatrist# Baura Dinerstein# when I said I had agreed with $o y to get married# she was immediate y .ea ous# by the ook of her. 'o I figured marriage to a psychiatrist wou d suit me more than marriage to a socia worker# and yet I had more natura resistance to pursuing this because the proscription against re ationships was greater. Baura and I f irted# and $o y went unattended and no marriage happened. Baura eventua y took a .ob with chi dren in another p ace and that was the end of it for us. But before that Baura he ped me reapp y for socia security disabi i ty income. (his was eventua y approved. item%%?508 3ith my marriage proposa to $o y <riedman more or ess so id y accepted I was on the sort of ground that some women find attractive. I was invited to do a one%on%one by a young gir working as some sort of intern on the unit# by the name of 'hauna Brim ey. 'he confirmed that she was the daughter of Dick Brim ey# an emp oyee at (he 2rchitects 8o aborative whom I had known s ight y. 'hauna was a bombshe . 'uch good ooks I cannot say. $owever# she was not positioned# as Baura Dinerstein was# to divert my primary attentions away from $o y. 3e had our chat and she behaved dangerous y couched between neutra business and making a p ay for me. I think my refusa to budge in my stated intentions angered her. $owever# she was a mature young ady and was ab e to pass +uick y on as I did when the chat was over. I think there was a sense in my chat with 'hauna that once I had opened the door to romance with a staff member# $o y that is# the f oodgates were open and everything# inc uding who I took as my se ection# was new y to be taken into +uestion. item%%8;DD 2fter severa weeks at the hospita my funding%%where it came from I don9t reca %%ran out and I had to eave. (he first night I wa ked the streets of 8ambridge from one end to another# severa times# and to make it more meaningfu I started a cairn on the stone wa abutting on a high awn in front of one particu ar house near the center of town# on 8ambridge 'treet. ;very time I passed the cairn I added another stone. By morning there were about a do/en stones. I eft it in p ace.

3andering around 8ambridge on another occasion I found a b ue b anket at the back of the 'a vation 2rmy. 2t a bus bench in front of the pub ic ibrary I put the b anket over me and took off a my c othes and eft them and everything# e-cept my pub ic aid ID# in the bo- on the bench# and then I wa ked away. <or three days I wa ked around 8ambridge in nothing but this b ue b anket. In such a state I ay on the sidewa k .ust off >assachusetts 2venue one entire afternoon. 2 car stopped at the stopsign and the driver gave me an unfinished pi//a. 3a king past the home of 'oren =ono# who was an architect on the team I worked for at (he 2rchitects 8o aborative# I p aced my ID on the driveway and wa ked off. (hen on 'unday I showed up at the ;piscopa 8hurch for service. (hey offerred me a set c othes and a referra to a she ter for three days and I accepted. I had been on the street wrapped in a b anket for three days after eaving 8ambridge $ospita . 2s I was standing in the ais e of the sanctuary in my b ue b anket waiting as the whee s of the church started to turn for me# the assistant minister was standing on the stage behind the podium watching me. I said# 0no more ike Jesus.0 $er stare got pointed. (he she ter where the church had arranged a stay for me was a gentee p ace. (hey ate in a rea dining room on circu ar tab es with white inen tab e c oths. It was ocated near the west end of >I(. 2fter the three days at the she ter I got a referra to Bong Is and she ter for three days. (here they got me on the waiting ist for &arker 'treet 'he ter in Boston. (he Bong Is and she ter itse f was on an is and. It had arge bui dings with beds. (he processing center where we checked in before being bussed to the she ter each night# and where they did the paperwork for my app ication to the &arker 'treet 'he ter# was ocated in Boston on the main and. 2fter Bong Is and I statyed at the $arbor Bights 'a vation 2rmy for three days# and then I got into &arker 'treet. @@item%%40;B 1"?4 06 to 1"?5 01 ' ept at &arker 'treet 'he ter# Bindemann 8enter# 'tate 'ervices Bui ding# Boston# >2. &arker 'treet 'he ter was named that because it had origina y been founded and housed at a ocation on &arker 'treet in Boston. It was ac+uired by the 'tate of >assachusetts and moved into a gymnasium in the 'tate 'ervices Bui ding downtown. (he structure had been designed by &au =udo ph# a former dean of the Ca e 'choo of 2rchitecture# and it had his signature rough concrete e-terior wa s. I admired it. But as a p ace to ive it had prob ems# most y .ust from the fact that we were non%paying guests. (he gym where we ived was segregated by dirty curtains into ma e and fema e spaces and there was a ot of fi th everywhere. >any of us brought in ots of debris from outside# such as empty soda cans to se to recyc ers. 2 guy named David did that. I tore up an artist9s pad into ong strips and put a my documents on them and stored them under my

bed. (here was no other p ace to use as a desk. I made a sign for fires. I received my :8'8 dip oma in the mai and disp ayed it in an open drawer of the standard cabinet beside my bed. I bought a ca endar and wrote in it 0sham0 to show what I thought provisions for us were. I kept the peace. I wrote a note and put it on the entrance to the men9s side. It said# 0(hese curtains are temporary. 3e are the greatest peop e on the ;arth.0 2 itt e ater they hired an architect to design a renovation of the space. $e used bright co ored graphics on the pi ars and specified new so id furniture and space dividers. I bought some Ca e shirts from the Ca e 8oop. Ene was sto en from my c oset and showed up without s eeves on one of the guests. (hey took us to dinner at a nice restaurant for the 8hristmas season. 2 guest arrived who said he was from 8hicago. I be ieved him. 3e became good friends. $is name was Irving Ains ey. I introduced him at a service at the Ouaker 8hurch downtown. It was very gracious and ight hearted. I did a ot of occu t drawings. 'ome I did at the nearby pub ic ibrary branch# some at the she ter. ;very so often I wou d tear them a up and dispose of them. Ene day I was randomi/ing my stack of sheets and Irving was sitting beside me ooking at them a . $e must have seen one that was a drawing of a prospective mi itary meda . Irv had been in the service as an officer and spoke of having to do 100 push%ups at officer training schoo . I was going throug my drawings one day with Irving sitting there and at random I pu ed a drawing and gave it to Irv and said he cou d have it. $e immediate y took it and eft the area. I fe t I was working toward formation of a schoo of some sort so I prepared two documents to make 1000 copies each at two different copy shops. Ene was in 8ambridge and when I chose the co or I noticed a binary process of se ection occuring# deep in my nervous system. 3hen I picked both .obs up I carried them by hand back to &arker 'treet 'he ter. En the way I passed two men sitting on a park stoop. Ene of them# an 2sian# seemed to indicate encouragement to me# his eyes g eaming in the dark. I used a few of the copies and when I eft town eventua y I threw the rest out. Bit of a waste I guess. (he co or se ected sheet was arcane. (he other showed a bird with outstretched wings and a itt e specia mark at the intersection of its wings with its body# one mark each per wing. 2s a tit e it said# 0$ow to rescue a civi i/ation...identify the immediate y ad.acent predator.0 (he marks on the wings corresponded to the ocation I had discovered of two spiders on a swan in 'anta 8ru/# as discussed in segment !0""# item id !2<1. 3hen my socia security fina y came through they sent me a check for retroactive payments dating back to my fai ed app ication in 1"?1. It was about G6000. I used most of it to pay off fami y debts. But the remainder made my ife a itt e better# with a ot of mea s at restaurants. I gave Irv a G20 and he said he wou d buy cigarettes with it. I gave an o der ady guest G50 so she cou d stay in a hote and fee comfortab e for an evening. I gave an 2sian guest G100. $is father# apparent y# came in ater and was in great spirits over something# perhaps the fe ow being ab e to go home for a visit. (he young ad

pestered me for do ars a ot after that. I made the effort to make a ist of coin gifts to make to guests# each in a certain different amount# and when no one was in I wa ked through the she ter putting these amounts on the nightstands of their recipients. I used some insight into their character to determine the amounts of the gifts. I had predicted an earth+uake when I attended Bate 8hape at Ca e in 1"?2. 3hi e I was at &arker 'treet there was a big +uake in >e-ico 8ity. En 8hristmas eve of 1"?! Irv said to me that he had seen me on te evision the previous night. It had to have been from my two tapings in 7ew Cork 8ity about ha/ard# as discussed in segment !!00# item id B2;". I said nothing though# because I didn9t want to perturb the deed in any way. ;very so often the she ter director# an attractive b ond ady# wou d meet with me and ask me if there was anything I needed. I got the sense# perhaps true perhaps not# that she was gratefu for what I had done at the she ter. (hey had a day program e sewhere in the bui ding because the she ter was c osed during the day. I didn9t care for the day program as it was geared for the ess functiona guests. (here was a so genera recreation and one day a guest threw a carton of mi k in my face. I a so p ayed some cards# making up games for my en.oyment. (he order of the deck appea ed to me. I bought some e-pensive running shoes%%;tonic Ouasars. I did a itt e running around the grounds of the bui ding. I was going bananas putting up with the du wit of one of the coordinators of the day program# a fe ow by the name of Bob 'mith. I sketched out his name one day on the sidewa k outside and grasped my hair in desperation. (here was a ong trai of cars waiting in ine on the street. 'hort y afterwards >r. 'mith ost his .ob. $e was on the phone trying to arrange a oan and I commented to someone that he was in no position to go into debt with no .ob. It was my day of troub e with b acks. 2 nice gir came into the she ter and I asked her if she wanted to 0go out and do something.0 'he said no. 2nother gir raised a bit of a fuss over space competition with me and I hand ed it with poise. Ene of the workers ater introduced her to me and said she wou d be p eased to go out with me. I didn9t think that much of her and dec ined# but it was a very appea ing gesture by her. Ene of the staff# a b ack gir named >a-ine $icks# made a p ay for me with a comment about how it wou d be between us%%se- was her meaning. I knew it was prohibited and said# 0(he oss is a mine.0 I subse+uent y did a itt e random research in the 8ambridge &ub ic Bibrary and earned that the British had been mystified by the fai ure of $icks# a generic fami y name. >a-ine was very nob e. >aybe peop e go into the b ack popu ation for mates when they fai # I thought. Ene day I got angry for some unknown reason and took it out on >a-ine and another staff# David Be . I scraped a pi ar%%making 0hicks0%%and thumped a p astic bin%%a 0be 0. >a-ine reported ater# with great despair# some deaths in her fami y. Ene day a guest went off the deep end ye ing at >r. Be . I interceded as they a wa ked out of the

bui ding and the event subsided. I to d the guy >r. Be was my friend. >r. Be was the son of a psychiatrist and had app ied to Ca e >edica 'choo but got waiting isted. I don9t know if he was ater admitted. I went to an event downtown and the si/e of the po ice scared me. I came back on the bus a upset with myse f. I to d a she ter staff# 8hristina 2nge # that I was a coward. 'he had beautifu breasts. Bater# I made a spectac e of myse f te ing her I respected her and wou d not upset her by getting fresh# a the whi e saying I was de aying that decision whi e making it c ear I was very attracted to her. Bater sti # she to d me she thought I was one of the most courageous peop e she had ever known. I voted in an e ection and the ady who kept things order y spoke to the who e room in a most e egant way. I was very impressed. I sometimes went to a different pub ic ibrary branch deeper in downtown and wou d read the 3a 'treet Journa and make notes. (he peop e there were more cu tured and business% ike. I ate at a sma restaurant named 'chehera/ade and wou d give the waiter big tips of a twenty or so. (hen one day the owner was eating at the restaurant and she seemed to know who I was and we e-changed greetings and I gave the waiter a G40 tip. 'he changed the name of the restaurant then to 2nn9s =estaurant. I oved their stuffed grape eaves. I went a ot to the main Boston &ub ic Bibrary. I9d unch at an 2sian restaurant near there where they had a great unch specia . I bought a copy of the 3i he m edition of the I 8hing and ater bought two more copies. 3hen I eft town for good I donated one of these books to the ibrary. (he others I put in the trash. I wrote sharp strokes on my ibrary card in ink. I thought a ot of my pen. 3a king to the ibrary was a ritua . Ene day a b ack man came running down the sidewa k and I crouched and put my arms up in se f%defense as he ran past. ;very so often I wou d take a cab out to a hote in 8oncord and spend the night so I cou d masturbate in secure surroundings. I made ong wa ks between the she ter and 8ambridge. >y stride was bo d and mi itant. Ene day in the spring I wa ked to 8ambridge 8ity $a for some reason and wearing my winter .acket I wa ked in u tra carefu steps. 2t an intersection on >assachusetts 2venue an e der y gent eman saw my carefu ness and ed me across the intersection# very very s ow y and carefu y. Ene day in the tv room at the she ter Irving asked me what I thought of Jane <onda. I thought for a moment and said# 0too usefu for po itics.0 'hort y thereafter >iss <onda became a fitness guru and +uit being a po itica ivewire. I bought a nice winter .acket with a /ip%out iner at a men9s store in 8ambridge. I eft it in the recreation room one day and when I rea i/ed it and went back it was gone.

I bought a so ar powered ca cu ator that I oved. I used it to do my bank account records. It made me aware of a the myriad ways I cou d fit my things into my nightstand. I sat on the f oor trying to reach a higher state of economy in my use of the space. >y bank account records were written with great de iberation and itt e care for detai . I never knew e-act y how much my ba ance was. I banked with the Bank of Boston. I wanted a safe deposit bo- and to get one I took out an account with a few hundred do ars ba ance at $arvard (rust in 8ambridge. I used the bo- to keep some of my most significant notes and it was very momentous to go and put drawings into the bo-. I had never had a bo- before. I made a habit of going to the po ice department offices and ooking at a the man wanted posters to see if I recogni/ed anyone at the she ter. I went to the <BI offices and comp ained that the .anitor at the she ter seemed to be awfu y aware of my notes and I feared for what he was doing with them after I threw them out. I conc uded with a statement that there was another guest who was a so ski ed in the art of occu t drawing. (he ady agent said she wou d make a note of it# which p eased me a ot and I eft satisfied I had done a I cou d. Ene day I ca ed my mother on an impu se and asked her if I cou d come to stay with her. 'he said yes. Irving was wa king by right at that moment and I to d him I was going to go ive in Bos 2nge es with my mother. 1"?4 10 2" 0 11 !1 4! segment !600 1"?! 05 03 0 02 !! 16

item%%B5D1 I had a regu ar week y appointment with my psychiatrist at 8ambridge $ospita # Baura Dinerstein. 'he was most accomodating to my need to ta k and have her .ust isten. I organi/ed myse f that way. Ene day with Baura I had written my ten characters on a sma s ip of paper that I he d in my hand. I kept it face down and was thinking that this was to prevent her from having a chance to see it. I considered viewing it rea y va uab e. Baura got rea y uptight and I thought maybe it was unconscious y because# or maybe conscious y# I was withho ding the characters from her. 'o I f ipped the sheet. 'he immediate y ca med down. En one occasion she suggested we have unch together at a nearby restaurant. I dec ined because I knew it wou d raise a stir. Baura was very aware of my ma e sturdiness. 2t a certain point she was reassigned to a therapy setting e sewhere with chi dren. 2t our ast meeting when I stood up to eave she got up and said# 0wait.0 (hen she said# 0$ere#0 took me in her arms and we hugged. I had made the decision not to get active y invo ved and because of that I was sad and had a few tears which she may not have seen# maybe did. I broke from her and ushered myse f out of the room. (here had been a meeting I was asked to step into of a the psychiatrists in the department inc uding

the chief. $e spoke with me then and seemed to be fishing for a sign of something. It may be he was on to Baura and me. item%%"<;? I wrote a etter to my father saying I wanted to teach my white brothers how to beat up b ack boys. $e didn9t rep y. I wrote in code on one of my te-ts of the I 8hing# 0the Au A u- A an has a genera .0 I thought this meant me# and fe t it marked a point of strategic impact for the A an. (hen I got co d feet and wrote another etter to my father asking him what he knew about the Au A uA an. (his was an obvious attempt to rat on him. $e didn9t rep y to this one either. item%%D"8" I found a book at the she ter tit ed# 0;isenhower (he &resident.0 It was bereft of its hard covers. I took the time to make some marks in it very respectfu y. I put one row of inear strokes on the top edge of the cover# then one stroke on each page at the top. (hen I put another row under the first on the cover# and then added a stroke to each page beside the first. (hen I put a third row under the first two on the cover and a third stroke beside the first two on each page. :nder the rows on the cover I had put a sing e stroke# another sing e stroke# and a third sing e stroke# beside each other. (hen I ca cu ated and put a dot be ow one of the three strokes centra on the cover. (his was the ast mark I made on the book. 2s I was making these marks# there occurred an anoma y with four of the strokes on the cover# a ad.acent. 2 the departures in the marks from perfect ines went to form the word# 0ti t.0 I noticed this after the fina stroke of the four. I did the work on the book in severa sittings# returning it to the same p ace in a bookcase each time. 3hen it was done# after I made the dot on the cover# and I came back to ook at it one ast time# someone had scraped the paper with the dot on it%%a very sma fragment about the si/e of the dot%%and it was hanging by one tiny edge. item%%!235 Ene of the workers at &arker 'treet whom I knew as 'ue# said to me one day her name was actua y 'u/anne. 'he was +uite +uiet y assertive about this and I took it as a comment for me a one. 2fter that we had a conversation in which she seemed to be a owing me do with her as I wished. I took the gesture confidentia y and didn9t go further with it. $er name was ;stes 'haw and I presume her maiden name was ;stes# which made her Ita ian and for some reason I took her as a compatriot. I didn9t know unti ater I was myse f of =oman b ood# as discovered under segment 5000# item id ;!11. item%%D?!; Ene day at the she ter I was present with my thought that the b acks there showed evidence of mi itary organi/ation c ose y he d by their race. <rom my bedside I announced into the she ter# 0>i itary present. B ack...0 at which point I considered how I wanted to put it as being .ust the b acks and continued# 0as the womb that made you born#0 which eft it open whether I was addressing my comments to the whites or the b acks since both e-perience a b ack womb in appearance.

item%%B6B6 Ene day at the day program operated by the she ter and he d in a ong room on an upper f oor in the same bui ding as the she ter# I p ayed a game of chess with a b ack fe ow named Bob who had a we merited reputation for inte igence. (he game was watched eager y by severa other residents. I won. item%%45!" Ene of the guests at &arker 'treet# a b ack man of about 40 years named =egina d 8arter# struck me as an e-ceptiona human being because of the way he stood for hours in one p ace without saying a word. I didn9t think anyone e se noticed so I went to a staff member named >iss =yan and said to her that I thought =egina d was an e-ceptiona man. 'he rep ied that yes# he was a nice man. I then said no# he9s more than .ust a nice man# and ooked at her with some gravity. 'he seemed to get the point. 2 short whi e ater I saw that =egina d was given a visit by his fami y members# some seven of them. (hey were +uite aware of =egina d9s +ua ities and everyone was very +uiet but aware. 1"?! 05 03 0 02 !! 16 segment !?00 1"?5 01 0! 1 0! !? 4"

item%%;285 I had an artists9 mode ing .ob at the 8ambridge 2du t ;ducation 8enter and when I showed up at the c ass I saw that it was a fema es# with ages ranging from very young to very o d. (hey were p aying Japanese music. (hey had me seated on a rotating p atform and each of them took turns rotating it throughout the c ass meeting. It was very emotion%charged# but sedate. item%%;!<! 3a king on the street on the $arvard :niversity campus I passed right by >ar.orie Darber and she didn9t say anything to me. 'he was my section teacher in ;ng ish Biterature Backgrounds c ass freshman year at Ca e. I had visited her apartment with another student in the c ass# 2 e-ander 'herriffs. item%%83;0 Ene day at the she ter I was sitting down in a two%seated sofa and some sort of dispute arose between myse f and a young fema e she ter guest. (he detai s escape me now but it was a matter of courtesy in which the gir was critica of my behavior and I accommodated her. It was something to do with sharing a seat or something ike that. 2 few days ater in the parking ot of the bui ding >r. Draham# a she ter counse or# introduced me to this same gir # I said he o# and >r. Draham indicated she was open to going out with me. $ad I had a better estimation of her se-ua features I wou d have gone for it but as I wasn9t very attracted to her I tried to be as courteous as I cou d and said that I wou dn9t impose myse f on her un ess she made the first move. 3e # she pretty definite y had done .ust that by getting >r. Draham invo ved as a go% between# but I ooked for a way to back away from the invitation without showing any ack of arousa and what I said was a I cou d think of on a moment9s notice. 3hat cou d a re ationship have produced# anywayF 7o privacy. 'he was a nice gir # fair y good figure# but not thri ing features and her persona ity was very se f%contained but very we discip ined%%she was a very carefu ady.

item%%2<2< (here was a young man at &arker 'treet named >r. 'antos who was ess troub ed than most and I fe t ike reaching out to him in friendship so I invited him out to coffee. $e said no. $e may have been concerned that it might ook ike a gay proposition. I be ieve it was ater that Irving Ains ey invited me to go see a movie in 8ambridge. I accepted. It was (he 8o or &urp e# for which Eprah 3infrey had won an Escar. Irving paid for a ta-i ride to 8ambridge and I remember sitting in the dark cab riding a ong 'torrow Drive ne-t to the 8har es =iver. 3e arrived after the movie had begun and it was packed# but we were fortunate to find seats. I don9t reca .ust e-act y how much I had heard about the movie and about >iss 3infrey. In 1"?4 3infrey had started her ta k show in 8hicago and we saw the movie probab y in 1"?!. item%%?D6B Ene day at &arker 'treet 'he ter I commented out oud that the 8atho ic 8hurch shou d consider a home ess peop e for sainthood. 2 day or so ater a 8atho ic priest came in# wa ked down the corridor outside the beds# and when he saw me he beamed mysterious y and eft. item%%08D" 2fter the victory of the insta ation of better faci ities at &arker 'treet# a fee ing of iesure pervaded the she ter. I was standing inside the she ter# near the entrance door# when I was swept up by a fee ing that my father was about to enter the door. It was about a coup e seconds into this fee ing when my father entered the door. 2fter a few introductions he had me pose with >a-ine $icks for a photo. 3e sat down at a picnic tab e in the she ter for a ta k# he and I. 2s we sat there I noticed a speck on his coat and f icked it off him. It was a son9s gesture to his father. $e took me out to unch and asked me where a good p ace was. I found a oca .oint for us. 3hi e my father was eating his food f ew off his fork into the air. I made some terse comment about how he shou d use his utensi s. I imagined it was embarrassing for him. I fe t Boston was my town and was ab e to absorb the discomfort of the two of us. (hen he took me in his renta car for a drive into the countryside. $e bought me some c othes. (hen we drove on. 3e passed a shoemaking factory. I commented that I considered my thing with cross dressing# which my father had ye ed at me for as a chi d# was mere y a matter of seeking sensory stimu ation for se-ua arousa . >y father didn9t say boo. 3e stopped at a rustic Inn. 2s we got out there was a man e-iting his car who ooked at me with subdued hosti ity. $e was short. 3e went into a room at the Inn and my father introduced a woman as the wife of 2 e-ander $aig. By the way the two of them were acting I guessed that they were overs.

>y father and I sat down in the apartment and when the woman reentered the room I immediate y stood up and remained standing. >y father noticed this and said to me# 0sit down# Jim.0 I remained standing. $e said# 0sit down# Jim.0 again. I remained standing. (he woman ooked at me with e evated curiousity. 'he brought out some c othes for me# apparent y used things. 2mong them were two pairs of pants with embedded e astic draws. (here was a ot of c othing. >y father brought me back to the she ter. 1"?5 01 0! 1 0! !? 4" segment !"00 1"?5 0? 10 0 0" 02 22

item%%B505 In January of 1"?5 I was staying at the &arker 'treet 'he ter on 'taniford 'treet in Boston# >2 and I was sudden y fi ed with an intent to ca my mother in 8a ifornia and ask her if I cou d come out and stay with her. (his is what I did# and she said yes. Detting off the phone# I saw Irving Ains ey pass by and I immediate y to d him I was going to go stay with my mother. I went to a trave agent where I purchased my p ane ticket to B.2.9s Entario 2irport and two sma red duffe bags with the ogo of the air ines I was taking# (32. (hen I went out 3est. item%%D822 In January of 1""5 I was iving with my mother in >ira Boma# outside B2# 82. I was getting socia security disabi ity checks and paying her rent. 2t some point I got notified I needed to come in to the socia security office regarding my case. I went in and at an interview with a fema e worker in a arge room with do/ens of other workers conducting interviews# she started getting mii tant and pointed# for some unknown reason# and asked me what I had done with the ump sum payment I had gotten when my case was approved in 1"?4 after being denied in 1"?1. I said I had paid off debts to re atives# severa thousand do ars9 worth. 'he immediate y went ba istic and accused me of irresponsib e use of what she ca ed the government9s 0bucks0. I sensed this ady was attacking me for a reason she wou d attempt if pressed to concea . I continued the argument as best I cou d for as ong as I cou d# refraining from any counter attack she cou d use as evidence of my irresponsibi ity. <ina y I took the attack and said I had more respect for the government9s money than to ca it 0bucks0. I was carefu to speak c ear y and oud enough to be heard by other peop e in the room. (his apparent y was the strategic edge and she buck ed# shuddering somewhat and dropping her attack back%handed y and etting me go with def ated distaste. item%%!<10 I found it p easant to ride the bus to =iverside and hang around at the :niversity of 8a ifornia campus there. I wou d sit outside an eatery and read in 2 ice 2nn Bai ey9s #e-4 A Compilation' I a so one day went into the &hysics department and attended a sma symposium. 2fterward I went up to a physics professor named Desai and said I had an idea I wou d ike to present to him. I said# 08ome to the board.0 and he did so with me. (here I drew a diagram and proposed the idea that space at its most minute sca e was an a ternation between space and time. $e said to me# 0(hat9s ;instein stuff.0 I eft the bui ding fee ing e ated. item%%2;1B 3hi e staying with my mother in >ira Boma I used some money I saved from socia security payments to buy a 7ishiki 1?%speed bicyc e. I used it to ride to =iverside fre+uent y.

item%%1;2B 2s it happened Budina De bruck was at home in &asadena and we arranged to have dinner in =iverside. 'he picked me up in her fami y9s Jeep. 3e ate at a 8hinese p ace. Budina was using her fingers to oad her knife with peas and I to d her she shou d use her spoon# not her fingers. 'he said she didn9t think it was such a big fau t. I said that with bad habits the magnitude of them isn9t important because you can9t ever be sure .ust what conse+uences wi come of them. 2fter dinner we went to a >e-ican restaurant for coffee. 'he dropped me off at my mother9s p ace and I decided not to share her and didn9t invite her in. It was the ast time I ever saw her. 2t some point she transferred from the 8 aremont 8o eges to Indiana :niversity# whose music schoo had a better reputation. 'he married a graduate student at Indiana and didn9t pursue her music career. item%%D?11 I happened to have been ab e to save a few hundred do ars from my socia security disabi ity income and decided to buy a bicyc e. It was a desperation move. I needed to in.ect power into my situation. I bought a nice road bike# a 7ishiki# and for the first time a so invested in a he met and g oves. (he bike had three front sprockets and si- rear# so it possessed eighteen different gear ratios. I used the bike to trave to the >ira Boma pub ic ibrary# which was ocated in a house trai er# and the =iverside pub ic ibrary. 2cross from the =iverside ibrary there was a <uddrucker9s hamburger shop. I thought their food was e-ce ent and their prices re ative y budget%minded. (heir interior space was up ifting# au courante. 8oming back from =iverside one evening# I was ooking down and a most hit the rear of a semi truck. I noted to myse f it was good I had the he met. 3hen some visitors came to my mother9s apartment my sister Bisa bragged to them about my eighteen speed bicyc e. (his I thought was i ustrative of her poor character. ;pi epsy and menta retardation due to pneumonia at age nine months were not a b essing. item%%6BD8 Ene day at my mother9s p ace I was up ear y and standing by a cart with a newspaper on it. I was reading the newspaper. Bisa came out of her bedroom and grabbed the newpaper right out from under my ga/e. I was standing reading it# not hunched over. >aybe she didn9t rea i/e I was reading it# but I figured that was generous and went over to her and demanded the paper back. 'he hau ed back and c obbered me in the face. I said I was going to ca the po ice and started to go to the phone. Bisa pu ed the phone out of its

socket. I went outside to a pay phone and ca ed the po ice and to d them what happened. 2 minute or so ater the po ice arrived at the apartment. I was coming up behind them on the outside wa k and entered and as they were asking who ca ed the po ice I said I had. (hen there was a discussion. 2fter I e-p ained my position# the officer asked me what I wanted to do. I +uick y ooked into the future with Bisa behind bars and saw it as a tota disaster for her and the fami y# so I said I didn9t see anything positive to be gained by ocking her up. (he officer agreed# said we shou d get some counse ing# eft his card# and departed. In the subse+uent days I asked my mother if she and Bisa wanted to go into counse ing with me. 'he said no. I contacted a private counse or in =iverside and went myse f# riding my bicyc e at night. It wasn9t he pfu # natura y# because it was on y me. I9m not sure how odd this was. It was pretty odd. I remember stopping for some ice cream at a Baskin =obbins on the way home by bicyc e from counse ing one night. 1"?5 0? 10 0 0" 02 22 segment 5000 1"?6 03 1! 0 00 0! !4

item%%B!;4 >y mother appeared to me to be having a regression in age. I wrote to my father te ing him this and he mysterious y came out to visit# ostensib y for some sort of unre ated event. <our of us# my mother# sister# father# and myse f# sat around the tab e on one occasion and I said# 03ho9s sick hereF CouF ,pointing to my sister* 7oI CouF ,pointing to my father* 7oI >eF ,pointing to myse f* 7oI CouF ,pointing to my mother* CesII (hey were incredu ous and speech ess. item%%225" 'i- months after I arrived at my mother9s p ace she took i # with vomiting when she awoke one day. 2t the hospita they found brain cancer. <ami y f ocked to her bedside# inc uding a ot of the >addens and Bateks. (here was wai ing and wagging. 2s a iberated sou # ever since home essness started# I was indifferent to it. (his brought fami y opprobrium down on my head. I was reminded of the poem I had memori/ed for c ass in the eighth grade# 0If0 by =udyard Aip ing. Ene part of it went# If you can keep your head whi e those around you 2re osing theirs and b aming it on you... ...(hen you wi be a man# my son... >y mother died on 'eptember 10# 1"?5# about ten days after taking i . I read in 2 ice 2nn Bai ey9s work that a spiritua person wi know si- months before that he is going to die. 3hy did I ca my mother and ask if I cou d come to stay with her# si- months before her deathF

3ho was doing the best thing for her# my wai ing fami y or meF 7othing has changed in this regard# as of this writing. item%%1??1 Before my mother took i she had to d me I had to move out. I contacted an o d high schoo friend# 3ayne 'wanson# iving in 'an Diego# and he said I cou d come to brief y stay with him in order to find somewhere e se to stay. 2fter my mother died# I went to 'an Diego# eaving most of my property at my mother9s p ace pending finding a new p ace. 3ayne was very courteous and treated me to mea s. $e had an 2(H( computer with a modem and used it in his work doing free ance writing. (his was before the big computer days to come. 2fter a coup e days he said time was wasting# so i picked up the pace of my search and found somep ace to stay in the 'an Diego suburb of 'antee. I went there to ive and my brother Dave trave ed down from B.2. with my other things. $e invited me to the funera for my mother# saying he wou d drive me there and back# and I dec ined. item%%<<58 In 'antee I ived in a house on Buena Jista# owned by a 8anadian fe ow. $e had turned it into apartments. It was very rustic. (he grounds in back were teeming with green things. (here was an outdoor shower. (here were geodesic domes as two residences# one which I initia y took. I didn9t ike the branches of a tree overhanging into my apartment and cut them off. (he owner went ba istic# comp aining that I had signed an agreement that inc uded eaving the grounds as is. 2 I cou d do was apo ogi/e. I suppose he cou d have kicked me out but he didn9t. I moved into an apartment there made out of the garage# with an upper f oor on the roof of the garage where she ter was had by a truck cap. (here was a dining room in rustic sty e where I wou d eat. I prepared various dishes# inc uding potatoes# and figs from a tree in back# and arranged them in a arge circ e. 2 resident# a young fe ow who was an airp ane g ider f yer and had his g ider attached to his vehic e# came wa king through and commented that he shou d eat that way. item%%;B4? I was wont to bomb around town on my bike. I went to the ibrary# a pi//a shop# a town meeting# and an office supp y store where I bought two ro ode-es. I used the ro ode-es to organi/e my notes. I was working on my notes in the dining room one night and the father of one of the residents came in and sat across from me. I was drinking b ack russians# the first time I ever went shopping for i+uor. (he fe ow and I discovered I was a Ca e and he a $arvard a umnus. It made a bond. (he son was gay and had a ive%in guy friend. item%%2DD"

(here was a front room with a p ayer piano. I p ayed a ro of 2u d Bang 'yne and got misty eyed. item%%8;<B 2 ight# modernistic design p ane f ew overhead every so often. item%%D3!! (he fe ow iving in the other geodesic dome was a sportsman. item%%D104 (here was a gir iving in one of the house rooms. 7ever got to know her or say much to her. item%%"B?B I think the owner of the house was gay. item%%238? I took it upon myse f to c ean up the back patio rea y we and the owner said he iked the .ob I did. item%%2552 3hen I went to the supermarket to buy potatoes# wa king +uite a distance# I had the fee ing I was making up# perhaps# for having been caught eating ma ted mi k and yoghurt ba s in an 2 bertsons store in 'anta 8ru/ when I was first home ess and had troub e with hunger. 3hen I cooked the potatoes I had a natura fee for cooking without .ost ing them. (he oi took an increasing y cogent# g a/ed form and the potatoes ooked better than I9d ever seen potatoes. (hey were de icious. I went around the house offerring a bite to everyone but no one accepted the offer. item%%08?! I took out an account at a bank and my checks were very neat and simp e sma s+uares for a background. item%%8142 I bought severa sty es of etter paper# most y a chi d9s. I bought ra/or b ade rep acements and used one a day. I bought a Ca e Banner# the co ege yearbook# from my graduating year. I had never bought one before. item%%15;< I ca ed a ot of architects ooking for work. I wrote to ; en 3eiss and asked her to marry me. 'he wrote back and said no# she wanted to trave the rest of her ife. I ca ed 8athy Buginbi 9s mother in D en ; yn and she was de ighted to ta k to me. 'he gave me 8athy9s number%%8athy was married%%and I ca ed 8athy and we had a de ightfu conversation. item%%2415 I sti had my 7ishiki road bike there in 'antee. I used it a ot. Ene day I went out past the oca high schoo . 2nother I found a steep winding path up a moderate%si/ed hi # and wondered if I sti had the

strength to attack it aggressive y. I was g ad to find I did. I made a trip a good ways 3est from 'antee# stopping at a very p ain restaurant to eat. I did some e-perimenting with moving my center of gravity as far from the seat whi e riding as I cou d# seeing how far I cou d get my hands forward and rearward of the frame a so. I was going down a big road 3estward# using the bike ane# when a .ogger came into view a so using the bike ane. I fe t ike c aiming my right to the ane and didn9t swerve# a most hitting him. $e ye ed at me. (hen a ways farther on I turned back and this same guy drove up to me in a pick%up truck. I started getting ready for a fight. But the guy had a gir with him# I suppose it was her idea for her to come a ong. $e didn9t seem ike he wou d have asked her to come to a fight. 2s soon as I saw her I switched menta gears and sought reconci iation. I said I apo ogi/ed. (hen he started ye ing at me and I said I said I apo ogi/ed. $e drove off# sti ye ing at me. I was regretting going civi # thinking I needed to te him he was in a bike /one. I rode back into the street and down the road aways I spit high into the air at his truck. It missed# by 30 car engths. $e must not have seen it or we might have been fighting physica y. I wasn9t sure I was up for it# but being on my bike I was a ot more aggressive than off. item%%""51 =eturning from one bike trip I had a most unusua e-perience. =ather than recount it here I wi a fu discussion of it in an artic e I posted to cra/ ink to

item%%?22B (here was an 2rby9s restaurant a ha f%mi e from my home in 'antee and I ate there sometimes. I wou d buy five regu ar roast beef sandwiches because I needed them. Ence when I did this and fe t particu ar y aggressive I heard a gir say something into the who e room that penetrated to me se-ua y very strong y. I cou d see her ooking at me in the ref ection from the front window. item%%<232 (here was a s ow y bending road from the 2rby9s back to my house and at night when I was wa king on it I wou d be so moved by the 8a ifornian countryside that I wou d hum those bars I ove from an aria from &uccini9s >adama Butterf y. item%%08;5 I did my aundry regu ar y at a aundromat in 'antee. I on y did the essentia s that cou d fit into one of my red duffe bags. I got a itt e paranoid at the mat# thinking some of the others were out to get me# and I reported it to the 'antee &o ice Department. (hey were courteous with me. item%%2"!5 I thought I wou d get a itt e f avor of civic activities in 'antee# so I got the time and p ace of a meeting of some 'antee government body and attended. (here was a company there to re+uest some kind of action on a proposa invo ving a arge sign. I think the sign inc uded the words# 02merican ;ag e.0 I forget what the decision was. item%%"4?3 I took out a post office bo- at the :.'. &ost Effice in 'antee because I wanted to get c oser to the point of arriva of my mai . I didn9t trust the house owner. It was a nice wa k between house and post office. Ence when I was on this wa k I decided I wou d ignore civi i/ed dictates in the manner of my wa king

and sure enough some menta hea th worker stopped his vehic e on the road# got out and approached me and gent y asked me wasn9t I a resident at his nursing homeF 2nd didn9t I need to go back with himF I didn9t want to honor his insu t and .ust stared at him a whi e# then I .ust to d him no I wasn9t a resident at any nursing home and maybe I said to he cou d take a hike or something ike that. item%%!B0B Ence I took a wa k 'outh of the house instead of the usua ;ast or 3est. It took me past a trai er court and a sma airport for private p anes. item%%4;1B (here was a bicyc e shop I used sometimes and a young b ack fe ow worked there. I was sti having troub e at the time figuring out my re ationship to b acks# being so poor# and I happened to see this fe ow on some street in 'antee and wa ked past him# then .ust past him I turned and said something racia y charged to him. $e said something back but I kept going. I ike to fight when there is somebody probab y around and this was very iso ated. Cou cou d get ki ed that way. item%%2"4; I at some point got fed up with the gay sty e of the owner of the house where I was iving and decided to bomb the p ace# figurative y speaking. I went to the 'antee & anning office# where I wou d e-pect they dea t with code vio ations# and to d them about the truck cap being used to cover my bedroom space. (hey were very concerned about it but I don9t know if they did anything about it because I packed my bags and went to the airport and took a f ight to Boston# with no idea where I wou d go or how I wou d ive# but I had been there before and survived so I thought I9d try again. item%%;!11 1"?5 12 Beft 'antee# 82# for Boston# >2. I visited my friend =ose 2bendstern in 8ambridge and she we comed me as a guest. 'he gave me the name and address of a co eague of hers who ived in Boston and who she said had some c othes I cou d have. =ose was a <rench teacher at the :niversity of >assachusetts. I cou dn9t be ieve a the c othes her co eague gave me. (hey fi ed my duff e bag and I had to fi- the bag on my hand ebars precarious y to accomodate them. I s ept on the banks of the 8har es =iver and a po ice car drove out onto the awn there and I ta ked with the officer. I said without prompting that I had a good attitude. $e wasn9t impressed but I was ega and he eft me a one. In Boston I did some artists9 mode ing at Boston :niversity. In one c ass the teacher commented that the mode # me# had =oman features. 2t another c ass when I eft my bike outside I chose to ive dangerous y and .ust use my ock to ock the front whee to the frame. I didn9t ock the bike to the bike rack where I eft it. 3hen I went to get it it was gone. I went into a state of danger readiness then as I gathered myse f and my remaining things before taking off again. I had a thought that I was as ready for troub e as an ordnance e-pert. I had another appoinment to mode at B.:. but without a bike I had to wa k in the wee hours from 8ambridge. 2s I carried my duff e bag I found that given my know edge of the route and my having no

money or food# every s ightest repositioning of the bag if thought out carefu y cou d aid me in getting there ontime. I was reminded of how ants carry arge burdens for ong distances# much heavier than their body weight. item%%4<2? 'itting on a granite b ock seat at 8ambridge 8ommons a mi itary convoy passed by on Darden 'treet. (here were from thirty to si-ty vehic es. I was writing in a b ack book with unru ed pages I considered my code book. I wrote my ten characters in modu o form# up to about the e+uiva ent of five hundred ines. It started to rain and to get out of the rain I went to 8ambridge $ospita 9s emergency room and reported menta i ness. (hey sent me as a menta inpatient to a hospita in 3a tham. (here they did a co onoscopy and determined I had hemeroids. I had never had an enema before. It was se f% administered. (here was an un ocked refrigerator on the unit# and a regu ation poo tab e. 'ome young kids were patients there. I got privi eges and took a wa k around the hospita . item%%6462 1"?5 12 Beft Boston# >2# for 8hicago# IB I ca ed my brother and asked him if I cou d come to stay and he said yes. I had a socia security check and =ose 2bendstern cashed it for me at her bank. I took a bus to 8hicago# which is a ways a p easure. item%%0!26 1"?6 02 Bought an E ivetti typewriter and comp eted a the paperwork in app ication to II(9s master of architecture program. >y brother Dave had kept a drawing I gave him which I did in 1"?2# and I submitted a photocopy of it for the II( app ication. (here was a bo- to check on the app ication if you desired financia aid. I checked it. 1"?6 03 1! 0 00 0! !4 segment 5100 1"?6 10 16 1 03 0" 25

item%%B;B2 1"?6 04 II( notified me it had accepted my app ication to their graduate program in architecture. (hey informed me no financia aid was avai ab e. I decided to stay at my brother Dave9s house another year and attend II( after getting a oan. Dave was not happy I wanted to stay another year. $e accepted it. item%%DD35 1"?6 0" I app ied to Du&age (rust in D en ; yn for a oan for II(9s graduate architecture program. It was approved. It covered the entire bi of tuition# room and board# and a e-penses# tota ing about G10#000 for one year. (wo years of oans were eventua y bought by <irst 8hicago Bank# which was bought by 8hase J.&. >organ. 1"?6 10 16 1 03 0" 25 segment 5200 1"?? 0! 21 0 05 12 !"

item%%3<5" In the interim between my acceptance to II( and my beginning studies there I ived at my brother Dave9s home in D en ; yn# IB. 'ince I was getting ''DI from the government I was ab e to eat in restaurants. Dave didn9t feed me and I suppose I cou dn9t comp ain since I was ab e to eat anyway. I had no way to transport groceries. item%%!6!D 2 high schoo friend of my sister 'andy# Jane 7icho s# was staying with her fami y in D en ; yn# due to her own batt e with menta i ness of +uite some time. Jane had become active in one of my own pro.ects after high schoo # name y the 'tudent :nion. 'he and I appeared at a high schoo orientation convocation and both of us gave ta ks about the 'tudent :nion. Jane9s mother invited me to come and see Jane# which I did# and after that Jane and I wou d meet every so often for unch at a restaurant in town. It cheered us both up .ust a bit. Bife was otherwise unpopu ated for both of us. Jane9s father# Aieth 7icho s# was at one time president of the vi age of D en ; yn%%it was my impression a arge y ceremonia office since the vi age was pretty much run by an une ected adminstrator named Bi Da igan. I be ieve >r. 7icho s had been an officer in the 7avy. 1"?? 0! 21 0 05 12 !" segment 5300 1"?? 12 23 1 0" 15 31

item%%?<34 1"?? 0" >oved from my brother Dave9s house in D en ; yn# IB# to the dormitory at II( in 8hicago# IB. @@item%%2D<< 1"?? 0" to 1""1 05 2ttended the master9s degree in architecture program at II( in 8hicago# IB. :sed bank oans to cover a costs. Cears one and two were routine. In year three I waited as usua at the beginning of the year for the financia aids office to ca me in to sign my oans. 2fter a coup e months they hadn9t ca ed so I ca ed them. I was to d it was too ate. In ater consu tation with the director of financia aids I was to d that it wou d have been acceptab e at any time during the schoo year to sign the oans for credit to my account. 3hy didn9t they ca me in the first p aceF 3hoever heard of such a thing in co ege financia aid routineF I9ve a ways been ca ed by the office# at Ca e 8o ege# at :'<# at :8'8# and previous y at II(. (he situation degenerated from there. II( was never paid for my third year. (hey fina y forgave me that# financia y. But at the time# when the debt was standing# I was not a owed to enro for the fina semester of the seven semester course of study for the >.2rch. 3ithout the >.2rch# I was unab e to find work. (he two B2s I have are not professiona degrees and wou d have re+uired me to ie that I was interested in pursuing those courses%%a resume impossibi ity. (herefore I was comp ete y unab e to find work. 3ithout work I defau ted on the oans I had. In defau t I cannot get another oan to finish my architecture degree.

item%%2??< >y roommate in the graduate dorm in the residence ha s was a 'outh Aorean student named Jung 'uk Aim. 3e got a ong we but for some reason I moved from there into the room of another 'outh Aorean student named >r. &ark who must have been ten or twenty years o der than me. 3e had more to ta k about. $e made ginsing tea for me. item%%2B26 I started whi e rooming with >r. &ark to write a ong poem. ;ventua y it got to be about ?0 pages. It was most y a ot of origina aphorisms# with a ong section that was a modernistic narrative of a venture on the seas with a rough crew. I cu ed a few pages of the best aphorisms for an introduction and cu ed a page of those for a prior introduction. (he first ine in the poem was# 02ssemb e a group of the right writers and ki a the rest.0 I tit ed the work# 02ssemb e a Droup of the =ight 3riters.0 If you get the tit e before you read the first ine you get a different impression from the one you get reading the first ine. I had a professiona typist# Dorothy E9'hea# type it up# and I had three copies made. I tried interesting a pub isher# sending the copies out a coup e of times# but nothing came of it. (hree undergraduates found out I wrote poetry and they invited me to .oin them in reading to each other our work. Ene of them# >onica Aramer# an architecture student# kept saying over and over that what I wrote was so true. I gave her one of the copies of the typescript to read the who e thing and she said after having it a whi e that she wanted to keep it. I was wi ing to et her have it for free but she insisted on giving me ten do ars for it. 'he went to 'omervi e# >2 to work after she graduated. item%%1;3< I somehow got the name of a psychiatrist who might meet with me and prescribe my medication. 'he to d me she thought she wou d not be right for me and referred me to another doctor# <rank &ieri. I met with <rank throughout my time at II(. 2t the end when I had to eave and didn9t have a .ob we stopped with me oweing him money and he wrote it off for me. $is office was ;ast off of the >agnificent >i e. item%%8!BD (he students in my year of graduate schoo in architecture whose names I remember are Jon Estertag# Ian >c8utcheon# Donna &i ot# David < eming# 'ander 3i iams# Bynn <riedman# (odd Dirante# Don Eshita# and Do ores >inkoff. Donna and David were b ack. Don was $ispanic1Japanese. (he others were white. Jon# 'ander# Bynn# Don# and Do ores were married. 'ander# Bynn# and Don were parents and Jon had a son whi e a student at II( they named Lach whom they brought into the studio for a to see. 'ander was ike me a graduate of the undergraduate program at :8'8. $e had some e-perience in an architecture office. $a f%way through the first year when I came into the studio and did some drawings of geodesics for some reason 'ander remonstrated me and said to put those things out of sight right away and don9t do it anymore. $e may have been being a itt e too conservative# but maybe not and I trashed the drawings. I sensed he was trying to he p me out as a fe ow :8'8 grad. I honed the traditiona path after that. I ran into 'ander near the high rise dorm on campus where he and his fami y ived. $e was pushing one of his chi dren in a stro er. Bynn had a party at her house for us a . 3hen she ca ed me to invite me she commented about Donna and David# very intentiona y# 0we don9t need to have them there# do weI0 2s I mentioned# Donna and David were b ack. I must have had a reputation from my home ess days as a racist. I had two

reputations# one racist and one a friend of b acks# and those things don9t a ways get reconci ed. 2nyway# I wasn9t the type of racist to put in with other racists# so I kept my mouth shut after she said this and the intense si ence was rather du . (hen she went on to comp ete the invitation and I never heard any more of such things from her. I forget if Donna and David were at the party. (he <riedmans ived in Barrington $i s# in a very nice modern house with a swimming poo . 'he cooked enormous steaks for a of us and I thought the way she s apped them onto the gri spoke of a 0 ets get this over with0 attitude. I did a itt e (ai 8hih 8huan on the awn for them a . (hey seemed to me to a be very unfami iar with vio ence. Inside there was a nice scu pture I think of a dog or some such anima that Bynn had done# and a ot of big coffee tab e books on architecture. I had a ride with Bynn and her husband# I think# and their son 8.J. in Bynn9s car. &arties have been rare for me since home essness and I en.oyed this one because of it. Bynn took a iking to me. I iked her in the same sense. But one day in the basement of 8rown $a she was having a cigarette and said something off%handed to me that I read as a come%on# or at east an e-p oratory comment for that. I had no interest in breaking into her marriage ike that and stood there unresponsive y. >aybe it was marita behavior of some sort I .ust didn9t understand. 3hen I had to eave II( due to financia prob ems Bynn offerred to give me G!00 and I accepted. 8 ear y# she was an unusua friend. 3hen she gave me the check ater she said that if I needed another G!00 at some time they wou d give it to me. $owever I did ask# when I was iving at Dunneson and =ockwe # and she said no and went into a stream of be itt ements of me for not seeking odd .obs. I got pushed past my imit and insu ted her $usband# (ed# saying he was stupid. 'he ca ed back a itt e ater and said they wou d give me the money but I had to apo ogi/e about (ed# which I did. Bynn be ieved that the architecture department needed a fi e of architectua detai s so she started one. I thought this was very cava ier and a waste of time. 2fter the graduation ceremony in which my friends graduated# three and a ha f schoo years after starting# Bynn had a party on the top f oor of what was then the 'tandard Ei bui ding in 8hicago. I was invited and it was an e-ercise of spending money more than proper use of an architectura setting. Bynn said she wasn9t p anning to do architecture now that she had her degree# for the immediate future. Ian was a graduate of the :niversity of 8hicago. $is father was once a 8hicago a derman. (here is an e ementary schoo near where I current y ive in the city named >c8utcheon# probab y for Ian9s father. Ian had a very nice y cu tured fraterna attitude and I considered him a good friend. $e bought a mechanica ettering system for his drawings# something I thought a noteworthy e-periment though a itt e odd. (he resu ts were pretty good. 3hen I moved into my apartment on Dunneson at =ockwe Ian drove me in his car with a my be ongings. 3e stopped for a mea at a restaurant and it cost me some of my ast do ars# but being ab e to start a difficu t new chapter in my ife with some fraterni/ing with a true friend was we worth it. Donna was taciturn but confident. 3e wa ked together between p aces on campus once and she sighed and said my name. I thought this was an e-pression of se-ua interest. I wasn9t strong y attracted because I am not fami iar very much with the range of b ack women and they are a unusua to me. >y current gir friend is b ack# but I had p enty of time to study her before making my move. I didn9t act on Donna9s gesture.

David was very menta y po ari/ed and this made for a very very s ight y odd standing. Cears ater I met him in the oop area of 8hicago and he said he wanted to go for a &h.D. in architecture. (o my know edge that9s a very uncommon route for practicing architects. (odd was a body bui der# though I cou dn9t te before he to d us. $e had been competitive. $e vo unteered to be the provider of some e+uipment we a needed to get set up at first on our drawing boards in the first year. $e bought the stuff# which inc uded the sheets of materia you put on the board to make drawing a nice ine easier# p us the para e straight edges you screwed into the board and had wires that kept the things para e when you moved them up and down# the brand name being >ay ine# and we then bought the stuff from (odd. I thought that was very gentee of him and a so showed some business proc ivity# though I don9t think he made a profit. 3hen I was put out by II( (odd said if I needed anything# even a p ace to stay# he wou d he p. (his was very nice of him but I wasn9t that c ose to him and didn9t fee taking his offer to be a reasonab e option for me. (he ast time I saw (odd he gave me a surprise hug. I rea y didn9t think he had been that fond of me and the hug seemed a itt e e-cessive# but it was done in good taste and I didn9t think anything of it. Don was a very so id guy# big and savvy. $e and Donna got .obs with the city after graduation. Do ores was in her fifties and I be ieve she had been a schoo teacher. 'he was rather petite and I considered her a friend. item%%;5;4 <irst year we had a studio with &eter Be temacchi. &eter had been one of >ies9s origina II( students. $e was active in Democratic &arty po itics in 8hicago. Eur first assignment was to design an office for a sma architecture firm. $e gave us some samp es of ines drawn at a drafting tab e and we had to try our hand at it. 3hen we put our work up he immediate y said that I had s am%dunked the assignment. (hen# going over everyone9s work carefu y# there was someone e se who impressed him .ust as much as I had at first. Ence he came in with kits of itt e wooden b ocks and we were supposed to figure out how to turn a corner with eight inch thick ;ng ish bond. (here were 4-? inch sca e and 4-5 inch sca e b ocks. I made a record of a the combinations of b ocks that cou d make one ayer going through a corner and tried each possib e stack of two ayers to see if it worked unti I found one that did. >ine was the first so ution. item%%B555 3henever &eter found that a situation ca ed for the view of a scientist he ca ed out# 0where9s the physicistF0 meaning me. item%%D5;; 3e had a c ass in structues with 2 fred 'wenson# one of >ies9s first students. 7obody in the c ass was active during ectures e-cept me# besides >r. 'wenson. I asked what I thought were good +uestions.

>r. 'wenson to d the story of a bui ding he designed that when it was nearing comp etion and he came by to inspect the work he found a pi e of rebars on the ground and this was grave news to him because he had ca cu ated e-act y how many rebars the bui ding wou d re+uire if bui t proper y and there shou dn9t have been any eft over since he ordered e-act y as many as were re+uired and no more. item%%2055 &eter had us a buy 3!mm 'B= cameras# suggesting that those who were strapped for funds cou d pick up a good used one at 8entra 8amera in the Boop. I took his advice and got a used &enta-. item%%2D24 2 student group presented movies at $ermann $a every so often and these were a we come break from the grind of graduate studies. (here was a ways an o d%time f ick before the feature. Jery period and ots of wider%wor d atmosphere. I saw "o ocop here for the first time. 1"?? 12 23 1 0" 15 31 segment 5400 1"?" 06 2? 1 00 20 04

item%%!12B 2t the start of the second semester of my first year of architecture graduate schoo at II( in 8hicago# IB# I for some reason hit out on a different course from the first semester# by coming into 8rown $a # the architecture bui ding# ear y each morning to work. I was noticed by professor &au (homas and he wou d come over and ta k with me for a whi e many days. item%%4DD! 2ttended my D enbard 3est $igh 'choo c ass of 1"5" 20th =eunion. (he on y event I attended was a reception at some bar in the genera vicinity of D en ; yn# where D enbard is. (here may have been other events# I don9t reca . (he reception was crowded and noisy and I stood in the periphery and was not very active. I ta ked to Bi/ Aemp# who had been managing editor of the schoo yearbook# (he &inac e. <or some reason we stood there ho ding hands# po ite y# for a ong time. item%%0B!1 During the summer after first year at II( I stayed at a fraternity# (riang e. I moved a my be ongings by myse f# everything stuffed into p astic shopping bags. <or the summer I somehow got a .ob with one of the architecture facu ty members at II(# &au 'haver. <irst I worked in his own office and then I worked under his aegis at a structura engineer9s office# >artin and >artin. In >r. 'haver9s office there were about a handfu of us working# ha f of them students. I was assigned to come up with f oor graphics for pedestrian passage through an odd%shaped gymnasium. I didn9t come up with anything. I did write some code whi e working. I set out to write 0phi osopher9s stone0 but it had an error in it. 3hi e I was working at >artin and >artin# on a crew of about four# I a so did some writing in code. I kept the stack of notes perfect y so that I wou d know it if someone were to snoop into them. (hey did. (he >artin and >artin crew once went to unch together and wa king through downtown I made some offensive remarks about 2sians# as one of us was# and I had a ot of persona prob ems with race at the

time. I got an invitation to a sit down unch at a restaurant with >r. 'haver and some associates and during the course of the mea >r. 'haver commented that 2sians are very devious. I was invited to a picnic at the home of a senior engineer at >artin and >artin# Curi 'weetin# a =ussian. 1"?" 06 2? 1 00 20 04 segment 5!00 1""0 03 02 0 03 23 35

@@item%%2!D3 1"?" 0" to 1""0 05 'econd year of architectura graduate schoo at II( in 8hicago. sub%item%%428D (he second year# I took the architectura design studio of &rofessor &ao 8hi 8hang. 'he began the year with a two week assignment to design a weekend house. In particu ar# she said she wanted to see how we used co or in our presentations. 'o I bought a arge set of &rismaco or co ored penci s. (o start my design work I first took out a ro of ye ow tracing paper and .otted down some abstract symbo s e-pressing the concept of a weekend house. (his got me to thinking in terms both genera and specific about my design# so that I wasn9t pushing the penci around ooking for ideas. (he ideas came from my ana ytic brain. I decided to nest e my house into some hi s in the country and inc ude a te escope in its own wing. (his appea ed to my ife ong interest in astronomy# and my brief time spent in astronomy graduate schoo at Ca e as discussed beginning with segment 4"00# item id "4"1. (he house was .ust basic# but for the presentation drawing I did four s+uare drawings of e+ua si/e p aced in one s+uare# one ooking at the te escope from inside its housing and past it into the iving roomM one a f oor p an of the house with each room9s furniture a different ma.or co or group and furniture types of specific co ors taken from the ma.or groups and chosen random y using my $&32' ca cu ator with a program to shuff e numbers which I had written during the summerM a perspective of the e-terior of the houseM and a site p an showing how the house was protected from the ight of traffic by sma hi s%%to make for better viewing conditions for the te escope. 2t presentation to the c ass# we a mounted our work on the wa s of a c assroom. >adame 8hang then wa ked s ow y around the room ooking at a the work# without saying a word. (hen she went back to my drawing and said# 0(his one shows some promise.0 (he rest of the c ass meeting was spent going over everyone9s work critica y# but she said nothing additiona about mine. >adame 8hang was one of >ies van der =ohe9s origina II( students. >ies was the first dean of the architecture schoo and designed its bui ding# 8rown $a # which is now a nationa andmark. $e a so designed the p an for the who e II( campus and severa of its bui dings. Before coming to II( he was head of the Bauhaus in Dermany. >adame 8hang had worked at 'kidmore Ewings and >erri and I heard stories about her being

difficu t. 2ccording to one story# she got into an argument of how a particu ar design was to be and ost the argument but came into the office that night and changed a the p ans to fit herse f. 'he was married to another origina >ies student and II( professor# 2 fred 'wenson. (hey had a practice together. I recogni/ed >adame 8hang as an astute .udge of character and carefu ana yst of design# before I took her c ass. sub%item%%""11 (he ma.or assignment of first semester then came upon us. It was to design a three story office bui ding for a rea site# which we visited. Cutaka (akiura# one of the students# took a camera and tripod and did a photo montage panoramic view of the site and bui ding. Cutaka had done a weekend house that seemed to me an assemb age of random unre ated wooden structures# and I thought it must have been a cha enge to keep its detai s straight in the p ans. During the course of my design for the assignment# I did a topographic map. I devised a specia notation to affi- to the contours to indicate which way was upwards. 3hen >adame 8hang saw it she said I shou d treat it as art and protect it. >y record keeping never has been good for such arge formats%%probab y why I never became a practicing architect%%and this drawing got ost soon after the second schoo year. item%%<;22 I had started to use my binary code for ;ng ish second year in c asses to make notes no one wou d be ab e to read over my shou der. ;ventua y it became known I had a code of my own. 2t one point &ao 8hi suggested I use the code in my design work. 'he a so suggested I give it a name. 2 few days ater I decided to ca it Batek Binary. 'o when I did a drawing of my studio pro.ect for &ao 8hi# the three story office bui ding# I abe ed the three parts using the code rather than ;ng ish. (here were three component drawings. En the top I used rows of sma circ es and fi ed some in with red to form the words# 0penthouse sign.0 En the midd e I simp y inscribed the perspective of the entrance with sma ines that spe ed# 0entry way.0 En the bottom I repeated the bottom out ine of the parking ot# with omissins# to spe the words# 0parking ot.0 &ao 8hi had provided the inspiration to assemb e these three views on a sing e arge posterboard. 2t presentation# one of the 2sian students comp ained# 0but that9s not architecture.0 &ao 8hi said# 0but is it beautifu F0 item%%;253 Ene of the Aorean students in my studio said to another Aorean student from outside our c ass year that I had my own anguage. I had not revea ed my origina ten characters so I thought he was referring to my binary code# and that is not a anguage. item%%<621 Ene day I did a itt e research at the Da vin Bibrary# ooking for information on cryptography. I wanted to be ab e to use it with my code. I discovered how to use the ogica operator e-c usive or# or RE=# to encrypt binary messages. (hus I became ab e to go from ;ng ish to Batek Binary to ;ncryption. 3hi e Batek Binary is fair y easy to decode# Batek Binary of Batek Binary is ess easy# so to a certain e-tent it is a ready encrypted.

item%%D"84 1"?" 12 06 2s I was iving in a sing e room in my second year at II( I was ab e to be more ambitious in my private acts. Ene thing I did was write a etter to the embassy of the 'oviet :nion. I was figuring that there was some possibi ity the 'oviet :nion had sabotaged my ife in the interest of their own we fare as our riva s. En a sing e sheet of typing paper I wrote by hand two sections# a top and a bottom. In the top I wrote my own ten characters in a circ e in order. (hen I wrote in my Batek Binary code the words# 0revenge for batek.0 I refer the reader to segment !!00# item id 226< for a discussion of Batek Binary. <or another discussion of it# go to In the bottom I put a header in Batek Binary of Batek Binary the word# 0message.0 Be ow that I put the resu ts of numerous determinants of random numbers I had copied out of a physics reference book and p aced around the 'oviet :nion on a wor d map on my wa . I a so put the resu ts in my own characters. (hat was the who e etter. Ene week ater the president of =omania was deposed and e-ecuted. 3ithin months the 'oviet :nion was overthrown. 'ome matters re evant to this possibi ity of cause and effect is to be found in segment !300# item id 4<D!. I e-tracted from an inanimate ob.ect the words 0'oviet inte igence. 'oviet inte igence.0 item%%??!4 2t the beginning of my second year at II( I was approached by the president of the =esident $a 2ssociation and he asked me if I wou d agree to serve as the association9s representative on the university security committee. I accepted. (he committee had about 1! members# facu ty# administration and students# and met in the $ermann $a student union# as I reca . (here was a nice buffet before the meeting. I wou d give a report to the =esidence $a 2ssociation after each meeting and once when I had missed a committee meeting I gave as my report a cute humorous speech instead that got a tremendous augh. 2t one committee meeting I comp ained that there was a crowd of b ack students at mea s in the residence ha cafeteria who wou d abusive y taunt everyone that wa ked by them. Deorge 'hipporeit# an architecture professor on the committee# took me to task for my comp aint# citing oca po itica pressure against anything negative about b ack peop e# though he couched his remark in po itica sweeteners. (his may have been why the financia aids office fai ed to ca me in to sign my oans in my third year# forcing me to eave schoo without a degree. In any case I +uit the committee because of 'hipporeit9s remarks. Before I +uit# though# I f ashed on my bedroom ight%%it was night time%%a message in Batek Binary that

I p anned to +uit the committee. item%%56?; (he pro.ect for the second semester of second year in &ao 8hi9s sudio was what &ao 8hi ca ed apartments particuliers. It was for a bui ding of apartments for the very rich# who wou d be very particu ar. It became something of a .oke for some students# who repeated the term apartments particuliers with comic g ee. >y idea was to organi/e the units of two towers into four sections on a side of the e-terior and combine four units dropping down one story each and moving atera y one unit# for four units. I wanted to have stairs on the e-terior of the bui ding taking residents from one unit to another of the four in the apartment. &ao 8hi suggested I do it with e evators on the interior and that is what I did. $owever# it was &ao 8hi9s fee ing that since the most fundamenta unit of the design was a sing e s ot# I shou d make a comp ete variety of different combinations of s ots into apartments# making for more choice of arrangements. I didn9t ike this idea as it c ouded the beauty of the stepped nature of the units# but I figured it wou d not be wise to oppose the teacher and did as she suggested. I did a mode of the bui dings# two of them identica y# and co ored each separate apartment with units here and there but connected# a different co or. I drew one set of four e evations for the mode and had it copied on a co or copier for the other bui ding. I put doub e sided tape on the sheets and transfered them to the mode s. 2t one .uncture 2run Aumar# another student# insisted he he p me app y the sheets and we made an error and the bui ding wasn9t right# but it was hard to te because the correct appearance was random anyway. 2fter I had eft schoo &ao 8hi ca ed me on the phone and asked me if I sti had the mode s I had made before she suggested I change the design. I didn9t# but I offerred to make a new one for her with that o d design. I took the mode I then made to her at her architecture office she kept with her husband# 2 fred 'wenson. I a so gave her the artwork I made out of the scraps from the mode design# which were a random arrangement of design components stemming from not bothering to order the work beforehand. (he marks on the artwork were those that I had made past the end of the cutting ines. item%%5<;3 I had a date at the gir 9s invitation. 'he wasn9t particu ary pretty but even so it turned out she .ust wanted friendship# no se-. 'he took me to a restaurant in Berwyn that she iked. 'he was in my city p anning c ass. $er name was (hora $aggerty. I was taking medication a the time I was at II( and this is why I wasn9t dating much. item%%B<1B I took city p anning in the second year# from &eter Be temacchi. Ene of our ater assignments was for the ayout of a who e city. I did mine as two different sca ed drawings. 3hen we put our work up for &eter to criti+ue us and he got to mine near the end# his first words were# 02hhI Jintage BatekI0 I had a so been the on y one to get notice from &eter on my design of a house for city p anning. $e had asked us to pay particu ar attention to the kitchen and I was the on y one who did. item%%B;43 'econd year I got into the habit of every so often going around to everyone9s drafting tab e# those of us in &ao 8hi 8hang9s studio. I wou d offer my comments to each one about their work. (his was taken

very serious y by everyone and was accepted as natura for me. item%%"!4" Ene day they p ayed a video on a arge o d te evision downstairs in the 8rown $a basement of a speech de ivered by &rince 8har es of 3a es to the 2I2 in 3ashington D.8. I was the on y person to watch it. $a fway through I got ca ed upstairs for some reason and had to miss the rest of it. 8har es comp ained that today9s modern bui dings are so ta they impede peop e9s broad views of the countryside. I didn9t think the p ay off between seeing great bui dings and seeing countryside was a that much a s ight to the bui dings. I en.oyed his accent and command of the anguage# however. item%%?5<B I commented to the group in our drafting area once that I ike to keep the p ace +uiet. Ene day a b ack student on the other side of the arge cabinets turned a radio on fu b ast. I went over and asked him to turn it off. $e turned it down and I went back to my tab e. (hen he turned it back up to fu vo ume and I .ust dropped the who e thing because it was getting into dangerous territory and I fe t it wou d impact my record as a student. 2 stranger of the b ack race wa ked through our studio one day and I said to him# 0keep wa king.0 item%%42DD Ene of the professors in the undergraduate division of architecture had a very emotiona fo owing and was the most high y regarded of a current professors of architecture. I didn9t see where a the e-citement was coming from. $is name was 2 fred 8a dwe . I did attend# with my friend Ian >c8utcheon who was in my c ass year# an honorary ecture by >r. 8a dwe at the Draham <oundation. (here was a standing ovation for him when they introduced him and it wou d have been dishonest of me to stand with them# considering my ack of adoration of him# so I didn9t. Ian .oined me in .ust sitting and we stood out sharp y in the crowd for doing so. En a subse+uent day when I was wa king through 8rown $a I happened to pass >r. 8a dwe # who saw me and muttered# 0so you9re the great one.0 I rep ied soft y# 0(hat9s what they say.0 ;vident y >r. 8a dwe was .ea ous of my reputation and probab y angry because Ian and I sat through his standing ovation. If this ed him to order II( to give me the shaft# which was done by the financia aids office very effective y# as described in segment 55# item id 0;<<# then >r. 8a dwe is hard y worthy of anyone9s emu ation. 2nd a so# his gui t is a matter of 8hicago scores to be sett ed. item%%6642 'econd year &eter Band# a teacher in the undergraduate division# came to me one day and we discussed my work. $e ca ed it 0minima ist0 which was a comp iment as it inked me with an i ustrious party of modern masters. $owever# the person he sought to connect me with# a teacher at a schoo in &ennsy vania named 3i iam $ough# seemed to be a poor match topica y. (he book professor Band referred me to didn9t have any apparent re ation to my work# I thought. $e a so said that he fe t it was entire y possib e there was money to be had for me to go to visit with >r. $ough. Because the book he recommended didn9t seem to re ate I didn9t pursue this otherwise enticing idea.

>r. Band ater invited me to go to see the ice racing boat he had bui t. It was an interesting incident. It was c ear someone was obbying for my being brought into the facu ty eve of schoo ife. $owever# I fe t they were asking me to distort the integrity of my work in order to make room for me. It may be the work was simp y too sui generis for any practica appraisa # which doomed it to a ife apart. item%%3D;B Ene evening as I ay in bed I was overcome with another e-perience of the type that had happened to me# in segment !011# item id D!?B# in the cafeteria at Ca e9s A ine Bio ogy (ower as a graduate student# a passge through me of many fre+uencies of sound and a b asting of my irises. (his was thus the second of two 0Esiris0 e-periences in my ife# one as a graduate student in astronomy and one as a graduate student of architecture. 1""0 03 02 0 03 23 35 segment 5500 1""0 10 04 1 05 26 0?

@@item%%0;<< 1""0 0" to 1""1 05 (hird year of architectura graduate schoo at II( in 8hicago. 2s any co ege student getting oans for schoo has e-perienced# each year the financia aids office wi contact the student when it is tiime to sign his oans for that year. (hey do this because preparing the paperwork for financia aid is somewhat of a comp e- process in which the student does not in any way participate# so it is impossib e for any student to know independent y when it wi be comp ete and the oans ready to be signed. 'o as a ways# at the beginning of this schoo year I waited to get a ca from financia aids to sign my oans. 2nother reason the office contacts the student is that etting this be the understood practice in a cases and at a universities tends to discourage students from ca ing the financia aids office# starting at the beginning of the year# and repeated y and often unti the papers are ready# which wou d be a rea burden on the financia aids offices considering how many students get aid and how important it is to get the papers signed# particu ar y if there is some dead ine to signing them during the schoo year. 'o as I said# I waited for the ca . It never came. 'o a coup e of months after the beginning of the schoo year I decided it was past a reasonab e time for them to ca and ca ed them myse f. (hey to d me it was too ate# that the dead ine had come and gone. If there was a dead ine# then students wou d be ca ing fre+uent y from the beginning of the year# and as far as I know that doesn9t happen. 2nd a few years ater# when I communicated with the director of financia aid at II(# she to d me that it wou d have been acceptab e for me to sign my oans at any time during the schoo year. 'o there was no such dead ine. (hinking a fe ow I met in D en ; yn before beginning studies at II( might be ab e to he p me with this prob em I gave him a ca . $e insisted with me not to drop out of schoo immediate y. (his was abso ute y bad advice. It forced me to go into debt to II(# which prevented me from entering my fina

ha f year of the three and a ha f year program# even if I had found a source of financia aid for that. $ad I .ust stayed out of schoo for a year I wou d have been ab e to get financia aid for the third year through the norma process# being sure to ca the financia aids office this time ear y in the year. (his so%ca ed friend to d me he wou d he p me get the money to pay for the third year. In fact a he did was hire me for a day moving office furniture. $e a so wrote a etter to the II( financia aid office te ing them he wou d work with me to come up with the money for the who e year. (his they agreed to. But as I said# this was a disastrous course of action. Cears ater# II( forgave me for the cost of my third year# but by then it was of no importance to my return to schoo # and that return never happened. 2 few months paying on my standing oans after the grace period e apsed wou d have been the on y cost of dropping out of schoo # other than the cost of iving for a year. I wou d have had to find a .ob for a year# not a difficu t task compared to getting started in a career without a professiona degree. 2s of this writing# one of those G20#000 oans has become G100#000 through accumu ated interest. I9m not sure about the other one. (hen there9s another one of about G20#000 current y. item%%?";8 In the third year of graduate architecture schoo at II( I began work on my thesis. I chose &eter Be temacchi as my advisor because at that time I wanted to take advantage of his ties to the Democratic &arty in 8hicago# which were strong. I was a =epub ican# but in 8hicago the Democrats are arge y the on y significant power. I had an inspiration ear y in the schoo year to make the sub.ect of the thesis a comp ete redesign of the Jatican. &eter was a so of Ita ian b ood. ;ventua y it became obvious this was too big a pro.ect so I sett ed on redesigning 't. &eter9s Basi ica. I was thinking that I needed to make my design so good that they wou d want to tear down the rea church and bui d mine. I incorporated my code for ;ng ish# Batek Binary# into the wa s# spe ing out John 3)15 with the p acement of the windows. (here was nothing e se interesting in the design. 3ork foundered on the construction of a dome for the mode . It a so affected my initiative that financia aids had ruined my oan for the year and it ooked ike I wou dn9t be ab e to get my degree no matter what I did in c ass. 1""0 10 04 1 05 26 0? segment 5600 1""1 0! 0" 0 0" 30 41

item%%!223 Ene day after professiona practices c ass Bynn <riedman introduced to me an undergraduate student# Janet 8hen# who was doing very we in her studies and was ooking for someone to take her out to a concert. I found her most appea ing and agreed to do it. I took her to a concert of the :niversity of 8hicago symphony orchestra at >ande $a on the :. of 8. campus. 3e took the e to Darfie d and whi e we were waiting for a bus to take us to the university a dere ict or some other type of ruffian approached Janet. I considered it my responsibi ity not .ust to

protect her but to enab e her to deve op her own abi ity to negotiate difficu t peop e and situations# so I didn9t intervene but remained poised to do so if warranted. 'he hand ed it fine and the person eft. 3hi e we were wa king on the campus towards >ande $a I commented to Janet that I was thinking in vague terms about marriage in a genera way. 'he said she was too# if I reca # but didn9t encourage me. (he conductor of the orchestra was Barbara 'chubert. I had been to hear them p ay before and thought +uite high y of them. I particu ar y remember her conducting a Bruckner symphony that was ama/ing%% ike a serpent in its s+uee/ing of my senses. I don9t reca what music Janet and I heard. 2fter the concert I took Janet to the reception for the orchestra and introduced her to >s. 'chubert. Janet to d her she p ayed the vio in and was interested in finding a group to p ay with. >s. 'chubert suggested the Du&age youth symphony# if I reca . I don9t know if anything materia i/ed in this way. 3hen I was forced to eave schoo because of an error the financia aids office made Janet was very kind to connect me to an architecture office in 8hicago where I cou d interview for a .ob. (he interview didn9t go we . 3hen I was iving after eaving schoo # in an apartment on Dunneson# Janet contacted me and asked me if I wou d accompany her to an awards ceremony at the >useum of 8ontemporary 2rt. 'he had won an award for one of her schoo pro.ects. 'he asked me if I wou d he p move it around from her car to the museum and back. It was a big piece of earth roped together oose y with a design for a house on top. I don9t reca the ceremony# but the space was very dark. Janet9s car was owned by her parents# who ived on the ;ast coast# I be ieve. 'he was of 8hinese stock. I invited Janet up to my apartment when she dropped me off there after the ceremony# but she dec ined. I got the sense she didn9t trust me. 2fter I made a three%hour video of me te ing my ife story# in 2005# I asked Janet if she wanted a copy and she said yes# and after she had a chance to see it I asked her in a etter if she wou d marry me. It turned out she was a ready married# and iving and working in 3isconsin. I am very gratefu to Bynn <riedman for introducing me to Janet. (oo bad it didn9t work out# though. 1""1 0! 0" 0 0" 30 41 segment 5?00 1""1 12 12 0 00 34 13

@@item%%;22< 1""1 05 01 to 1""2 05 2t the end of the schoo year at II(# fe ow student Ian >c8utcheon drove me with a my things to my new apartment on the 7orthwest corner# Dunnison side# of Dunnison and =ockwe in 8hicago. (he bui ding was owned by &eter Bee. It was an o der brick bui ding of so id construction# three stories high. I had a one%bedroom# on the third f oor. I moved after a whi e to a studio in the same bui ding# first f oor =ockwe side# because it was cheaper. I ived in the bui ding unti the summer of 1""3. sub%item%%8""1 I bought kitchen items and a card tab e and one fo ding chair. I had no other furniture. I s ept in a s eeping bag on the f oor in the bedroom. Bater I moved s eeping to the iving room and subdivided the

bedroom f oor into 15 units surrounded by a perimeter 20 units in ength# using masking tape to set off the units. (he center became where I kept a my books and records. I conducted shuff e of records using the 20 unit perimeter. 2t two .unctures I drew a map and e evation of the entire space and posted these on the wa . I used my contingencies program to record a random se ection of the records in a specia notebook# with a specia notation. subitem%%238; I used masking tape to designate about 100 page%si/ed spaces on the f oor of the iving room and dining room# in c usters of 4. (hese I used to shuff e a my sheet%si/ed records using an $&32' ca cu ator. I a so chose random ocations from these 100 on which to masturbate. sub%item%%!<3; &eter Bee said I was his best tenant. $e hired me to patro the outside of the bui ding once each night. I kept carefu records of my patro and he came by to pay me every week or so. (here was one incident. 2 tenant was evacuating her apartment on bad terms of some sort and >r. Bee asked me to stand outside and watch her. I stationed myse f against the front wa . 'omeone in a window in the bui ding across the street threw a snowba at me and it hit the wa c ose to my head. I decided the situation was dangerous and I abandoned my post# returning to my apartment. >r. Bee was upset that I had abandoned my post. sub%item%%00BD I had phone service and went through the ye ow page istings of architects ooking for a .ob. I became very frustrated and began to use a tormented aggravated tone of voice# not rea y hoping to get into a conversation. I a so began to add information to the ca ing se+uence of button pushes. I used a sing e fre+uency for the numbers# and ended with twice the fre+uency. If I ost track of the number I de ayed with ha f the fre+uency before the ne-t number# and continued with that fre+uency as a pena ty. If I ost track again I repeated the procedure to an even ower fre+uency. 2 these fre+uencies were harmonics. sub%item%%421" I ca ed Bi Aeck# the architect I had worked for the previous summer# to continue the conf ict I be ieved e-isted over my having someone e se as an 2I2 appointed mentor# rather than >r. Aeck. I be ieved this was why he et me go. I fe t >r. Aeck was not as good a mentor as the 2I2 pick# 8har es Coung# who was young# and >r. Aeck was o d. >r. Aeck had e-pressed his disp easure with this. I considered etting 8har es go# but decided against it and et myse f be et go by >r. Aeck. (he ca to >r. Aeck was not substantive. I asked if there was any unfinished business between us and he said no. (he end. item%%!;01 >y father9s father# James Jacob Batek# died on 2ugust 1?# 1""1. I was contacted by the fami y and invited to be present at the interment of the ashes at Bohemian 7ationa 8emetery. (he cemetery was a few b ocks 3est from where I was iving# so I wa ked there. 2 five chi dren and my father were there. 2 cemetery hand dug the ho e# deposited the urn# and fi ed the ho e up. (here were no ground eve markers for some five meters around the site and no e evated markers# or very few anyway# for some !0 meters around the site. 7o marker was p aced over my

grandfather9s interment. =ight after the buria my father burst into tears and eaped in my genera direction and ooked at me carefu y. I think he wanted to know if I fe t grief. I didn9t. (his fami y had kicked me out and my trave s after that had not et me conc ude anything but derogation for them. 3e then went to a pi//a .oint for pi//a. (hen they took me in their van# whose it was I don9t know# back home. >y father got out and said to me something rea y mysterious that sounded ike# 0good uck getting a white gir friend# sucker.0 I think he had conc uded I had no respect for my grandfather. (his was untrue. Drief is not a strong response to respect combined with oss. I a ways had the respect for my grandfather that norma y wou d be accorded one9s father. I had very itt e respect for my father. $e had points. I have se f respect. It imp ies that my father probab y had points. It imp ies itt e e se about him. 'o me being deemed disrespectfu to my father9s father# my father# it wou d appear ike y# decided he wou d dispatch my case in a manner ref ective of his father9s A an connections. I specu ate he communicated to his ethnic chain of command# unfami iar to me but sti a definite possibi ity of e-istence# a decision I was not to have white woman re ations again# or any asting ones anyway. Just throw that on top of the bonfire of b ack ists and other ignominy to my credit. ;ventua y# it wi be in the open# where discourse wi decide the merits of the parisans on both sides# ike a of these demerits of mine. item%%5?D; I went during the co d months once for coffee to the Burger Aing near my apartment on the corner of Dunnison and =ockwe and when I entered there was a group of about a do/en we dressed young women standing near the counter. Ene of them saw me and ooked interested y at me# then another# then another# unti a of them were staring at me# very interested y. I ca this a cascade. 3hen I got my coffee I sat down at a tab e ne-t to the two tab es where the gir s were sitting. $ere I was on new territory and strugg ed to find something to say but didn9t so I .ust sat there with my coffee. 'ince I was virtua y penni ess it wou d have been a tragic invo vement# though tota y erotic y e-tended. (he gir s said not one thing unti one of them spoke up into the group# saying# 0I wish we cou d ta k0 or something to that effect. 1""1 12 12 0 00 34 13 segment 5"00 1""2 06 1! 1 03 36 4!

item%%DB?! I had a copy of the I 8hing. I forget how I got it or if it was mine. I decided I needed to be fami iar with a 54 he-agrams# so I used my shuff e program to produce a random order of the numbers from 1 to 54 and read a the he-agrams in that order. It was a worthwhi e ob.ect. >y discovery of the I 8hing occurred in segment 3600# item id ;;15. It9s prediction of a worsening of my fate occurred in segment 3600# item id D!03. (he intercession of a voice advised me to use it at sunup and sundown in segment !300# item id 138". 'ome detai s of the coin toss method of consu tation are discussed in segment !500# item id 3"?B. 1""2 06 1! 1 03 36 4! segment 6000 1""3 02 16 0 05 41 1?

item%%623" 1""2 02 to 1""2 06 <or si- months# iving in a studio apartment in the bui ding on the northwest corner of Dunnison and =ockwe # I had been using up a of my socia security disabi ity income on rent p us two weeks of groceries. 'o for si- months# every month inc uded two weeks of fasting. item%%2D4" I ca ed Ca e and ta ked to John >ichae >ontias# who had been my teacher in 8omparative ;conomics# or ;conomic 'ystems# and asked him if he remembered the incident in which he had asked the c ass what a portion of his writing on the board was and I said 0the average0 and he said 0who said that0 and I said I did# and he said# 0right.0 $e said he did remember it. $e a so remembered my name. (he origina incident and >r. >ontias9s c ass in genera are discussed in segment 3!00# item 81D4. item%%231D I ca ed 8 aire >a ardi at $arvard. 'he was more than thri ed to get my ca . <or a discussion of 8 aire# $arvard9s modern dance teacher# see segment 3?00# item 05"D. item%%?D?D I ca ed Bes ie Dunn at Jassar 8o ege where she had become a professor of ;ng ish. I wasn9t ab e to reach her in person but they a owed me to eave a recorded message. I eft her a great one. (he word I got sometime ater was that she wou d be happy to recieve my ca . >y starvation mode of e-istence# as discussed in this segment# item 623"# prohibited me from making that ca . Bes ie9s appearance in my ife occurred in segment 3300# item 84!D. 1""3 02 16 0 05 41 1? segment 6100 1""3 0" 21 1 0" 44 !0

item%%34;2 1""2 06 I decided that fasting two weeks out of every month for si- months was enough and cut my id cards up# eft the keys to the apartment on the tab e# and wa ked out with the c othes on my back%%a sweatshirt and sweatpants tied with a drawstring. I p anned to make my way to &acific Darden >ission# on 'tate 'treet at the time. item%%0B2< 2t the mission I enro ed. 3aiting for mea s was armageddon% ike. (he men were a starving. 2s the front row in the room of fo ding chairs was sent in to eat# others waiting behind them# having no one to make the process order y# scramb ed over chairs to get a itt e c oser to the front# in such desperation and urgency that anyone cou d see that this was a point of stress on humanity of the nth degree. (here was no rhythm in their movements# on y vio ence and defense against vio ence. I ooked to the two white gent emen sitting beside me with a ook of what on earth shou d I doF I9m not an anima ike this. 2nd they# seeming ike they were veterans of a this without yet being consumed by it# ooked back at me with resignation and a ook that said# go ahead# you have to eat don9t you# start eaping over chairs. 2nd so I did. 2t dinner I practiced what I had evo ved in home essness# a certain discip ine which I used to e-tend the he ping hand of free space and breathing room to others ready to use it in vio ation of the manifest e-pectations of peop e in such poverty but in need of someone to show a better way. 3ith each bite taken in peace# food went into better corners of bodies and strength somehow came from nowhere# but unfortunate y# no one cou d say how ong the effects wou d ast. 2nd I sure y wou d not be staying

there forever. item%%"38B (he mission he d preaching sessions. (here# afterwards# they asked if anyone wanted to speak with a counse or. I wanted to know what that was ike# so I went there. In a room fi ed with many men being addressed in fervent tones by another man each# I istened to what a man had to say to me. $e said he had an insurance verse from the bib e for me. It was John 3)15. 3e said it together. I had never heard the bib e marketed ike that before. item%%6<4? En one occasion I accepted an invitation to us a to speak private y with a counse or. $e was dressed in a 'a vation 2rmy uniform. I can9t remember what he said but I remember something he imp anted very intentiona y during our ta k# which was that his who e ife and what he was being asked to do were something between a comp ete sham and most y sham. $e did this by where he put his words# and what he kept apart from them. In this impu se apart# there it was# the admission of sham. I was not rea y embarrasssed or ashamed for him# but I did fee very sorry for him having to ive with this. I knew he had taken a grave risk to et me see it. $e must have known I wou d be sympathetic and wou d sure y not comp ain to his superiors. It strikes me now as a gesture of supreme recognitiion that I was not his usua audience# that there was a service here that needed to be done and it wasn9t in the game book# and maybe .ust maybe I might be someone to get it done. item%%!BDD <or severa days as a 0customer0 at &acific Darden I wa ked# first back and forth between mission and pub ic ibrary. I ost my shirt# and my hair was wi d. I ooked a sight# and I was wa king around right downtown. It was a persona ow of some sort# in terms of out ook. I began to imagine a story that I thought was true in the past or present# that a man c imbed through a mountain range a one# found behind one mountain a cave entrance# and in the cave found a stash of the greatest artifacts of any civi i/ation ever# inc uding specimens of dna of a the species on earth# with instructions in an unknown anguage on how to derive bodies from them. (here was amp e food there in fridgid ockers. Eutside the entrance to the cave there was a ake fro/en over and the man found skates in the cave and ice skated. 2nd in his moments in the cave he was ikewise unab e to do more than p ay# in the terms its stockers wou d have used. 2nother thought I had was that this man so ved the prob em of war by c imbing to the highest peak on earth and eaving there two parce s# each containing the highest form of va ue to the two greatest# and competing# mi itary powers. En y by coming together# then# cou d these powers get these greatest goods. 3ho knows what those goods were. (hat was the most important part# and I had eft it out. I began widening the physica territory of my wa ks. I wa ked around the north side of 8hicago# doing strange things because I was at the imit of my means# ooking for some way to e-cede them. I saw a man who was a mission customer and as he crossed the street I ye ed out something to be heard by a the peop e around# and there were a ot# and then I +uick y circ ed around him# pointing at him with my finger. I saw another man in a rea y busy p ace and ca ed out a cha enge to him and wa ked across the street intersection toward him pointing unti I got right up to him. 7either of these men said a word about it.

'ti # I spent the night at the mission. Ene night# ying in my bunk bed# I ca ed out for +uiet and by some mirac e got it# and I attempted to say the Bord9s prayer# fai ing repeated y to get it right but trying over and over to correct my mistakes. I think I fina y got it right# but it sure y had no guts to it. It was a engineering. Detting the words out because it meets the minimum definition of saying a prayer. (hen I started a wa k asking other mission customers for a hamburger. 7o one had one. I kept wa king and every so often asked again for a hamburger# as I intended to keep wa king unti I dropped and I wanted it to be far enough to get my something beyond what I had. 8ontinuing to wa k# I wound up on 7orth 2venue going 3est. (he peop e were poor# they seemed to be gra/ing# not iving civi i/ed ife. 2 woman was undressing. I thought maybe she needed to go to the bathroom. I kept wa king and didn9t see. &assing a park# I rea i/ed I myse f needed to defecate. I went into the park# ay down# defecated# and it was very big. (his was a rea re ief and gave me new ife. I got up and continued on. I turned around and went back toward the center of 8hicago. I stood at a bridge and contemp ated suicide. 'ti without a shirt# I cried out at an intersection# 0I ost my shirt in the stock market.0 'omehow I fe t there were some peop e who were with me on this# on y the ru e of pub ic anonymity prevented them from manifesting it. 2t one point I was wa king in the street beside some parked cars and a speeding auto attempted to hit me. It came very c ose but I .umped out of the way between two parked cars. I started getting weak. (here was a s ight inc ine in the street so I began to cut across it at an ang e# back and forth# to reduce the ang e of inc ine. It was sti dark but I didn9t know the hour. I must have been wa king for eight hours. I was headed 'outh. 3ithout thinking I stopped. (urning to face the opposite side of the street# which was to the 3est# I raised my right arm and sighted a ong it at my inde- finger and beyond to the bui dings across the street. Before this sighting over my inde- finger# I knee ed down c ose to the sidewa k pavement and imagined myse f at the drawing storage cabinet of the architecture team I worked for at (he 2rchitects 8o aborative. I moved my hands forward and back# as if I was opening and c osing a drawer of drawings. 2s I did this I made c icking sounds with my mouth# as if keeping time for dancers. (he cadence was ike the words ,thinking of some random ones now* 0+uick as a wink. +uick as a wink#0 but rather s ow y. I pushed the imaginary drawer in on 0+uick0 and pu ed it out on 0as a wink.0 (hen I got up. ;ither immediate y before or immediate y after making these c icking sounds# I simp y imagined myse f bedding down for the night with a company of fe ow c imbers# a of us pitched by aids to a sheer vertica face# very high# of a mountain# our s eeping bags in a ong row. (he first recounted and ast occuring of these three acts which I note here# the one ooking over my inde- finger# was immediate y fo owed by the emergence# on the bui ding I saw on the opposite side of

the street# of a fire somewhat ike an e ectrica fire# or a forth of .u y fireworks spark er. It danced with motions that had some kind of inte igence and interestedness# a around the area of the bui ding where it emerged# inc uding the g ass of a window and its corners. (hen the fire disappeared back into the face of the bui ding# which was of brick# two or three stories ta as most of the bui dings in this o der commercia neighborhood were. 2fter these three acts and one sighting I continued on my wa k. It began to get ight right away# so the three acts and one sighting were .ust before dawn. (urning to the 3est# I paused for a whi e at a certain address# kind of ike a private residence on a midd e ma.or street# and a po ice car drove s ow y up and stopped atera y e+ua with me on the sidewa k eading to this house. (he driver9s window was open and I wa ked up to the car and engaged the men in ta k# though they didn9t say very much. I said my name# and my sib ings9 names# that we were >etropo itan 8hicagoans# and I wanted to .oin the >afia. I said I wanted to harmoni/e b acks and whites. (hen I was done ta king. I had been having troub e in race re ations persona y and fe t I needed to end a the turmoi and sett e this matter for good. >y mother had been in favor of intermarriage as the so ution. >y father was a racist. (hen the po ice drove off and I went on wa king# sti 3estward. I came to what seemed ike granaries# four or so of them# in a itt e spare area. It reminded me of a feature I saw when I was very young# in ; mhurst# on a trip in the car. I wondered if I had made it as far as ; mhurst and these were what I had seen then. Jery doubtfu . 7ot far from there on either side of the street# the city grid having disappeared so that it was pretty c ear I was out of the city# was a forest. I stood up on a c ump of earth and istened to the birds# whose ca s gave me strength for some reason. Ence out of the forest# after some few hundred yards# I fe t ike I had gotten somewhere other than a the turmoi of 8hicago# and co apsed# vo untari y# onto the side of the road# rotating a c ump of earth to indicate my buria marker. 2 few minutes ater# it seemed# and a po ice car and rescue vehic e drove up and stopped. (he rescue vehic e9s two man crew was comica and derisive of the who e thing. (he other officer seemed to be an officer and was very serious about it. I to d him why I turned the mound of earth over and he didn9t say anything%%a good sign. $e asked me if I had ever been out of 8hicago and I said I9d been to 8onnecticutt# since Ca e was my first big trip outside the area on my own. $e seemed to note this carefu y to himse f. (hen# as the two rescue workers were cracking .okes about me wanting to earn how to paint# they put me on a stretcher and into the rescue vehic e. item%%20D8 (he rescue vehic e took me to a regu ar hospita . (here they saw that I was emaciated and gave me three big high +ua ity steaks. (hen I started to think straighter. I asked for a 0discrete recta e-am.0 I got one# hand ed proper y# by a fema e aide# in a c oset% ike space. I wa ked away from my bed to the ong centra desk and stated# 0(his is a ;uropean%sty e e-pedition.0 to impress them with the gravity of my mission.

I once had heard of an e-pedition where they came to a passage through a mountainous region that was b ocked and got past it by disassemb ing their vehic es# carrying the parts by hand past the obstac e# and reassemb ing the vehic es on the other side of the obstac e. (his# to me# was the essence of what an e-pedition was a about%%vast reservoirs of competence carefu y se ected for .ust the right team to get the mission done# no matter what# and trave ing through unfami iar territory far far away with no one to ca on for assistance. (he comment went down +uiet y# with no response. I was ying in my bed and a young man# an emp oyee of some sort# came in and asked if there was anything I needed. I said write this down. $e pretended to take out a notebook and pen and waited for me to start dictating. (his fit my needs e-act y. I said a few incoherant things and he made carefu imaginary note of them. I kind of thought I was preparing my wi # among other ast acts. 3ith nothing to my name# an imaginary record was .ust the right thing. 7obody asked me any +uestions# but I suppose they got my name from the po ice# maybe the ones I to d I wanted to .oin the >afia# if not the ater ones. If they had it they cou d get my records and that wou d te them of my menta i ness. In any case# they to d me they were sending me to >adden >enta $ea th 8enter. I was furious. But instead of comp ain# I hit upon a means of showing my disp easure more sensib y. In my time home ess I had mused that a hospita s# being usefu to the mi itary# wou d need to have a way to prevent their assets from passing into the hands of the enemy# in the event a and war imminent y eads to oss of ground that inc udes the hospita . 'o it seemed to me the best way to be ab e to do this wou d be to have e-p osives attached to the hospita 9s foundations. 3e # to diverge and pursue this point# in one of the ear y episodes of the (J series 2 ias the secret head+uarters of a secret organi/ation# if I reca correct y it was ca ed 'D5# was on the verge of being taken over by some or other enemy force# maybe the :.'. I think. 'o of course the eader of 'D5 ca ed up something on his computer and initiated a countdown to have e-p osives on the foundation of the bui ding e-p ode. (hey added the nice detai of the countdown being endab e by the thumbprint of the eader being app ied to the computer somewhere# and since he was out co d p us other immovabi ity factors when the tide turned and they wanted to stop the e-p osives from going off they cut his thumb off and app ied it to the computer in time to stop the e-p osives from igniting. (his show of course was ong after the scene in the hospita I am describing# so nothing I did cou d be from having seen the show. 3hat I did# as i was ying on a moveab e bed out of the way of traffic# was announce in a kind of a oud voice that I was a descendant of the $apsburgs# which may or may not be true# I don9t know# and that I was initiating a verba countdown to detonation of the e-p osive charges on the foundations of the hospita . I started counting backwards from ten. 3e # ten came and went and there was no e-p osion. But a hospita aide then wa ked through the space with a ghost%white face# seeming +uite convinced that she .ust narrow y e-caped her death. (hen an out of view fema e voice# evident y a doctor by her tone and enunciation# said to someone out of view# 0I heard him say it.0 (he other person spoke something uninte igib e and it was a ma e# evident y a so a doctor. (here seemed to be a point of contention# and it seemed it was over what I had said about the e-p osives on the foundation. It a so seemed as if she was defending some action because of it# and I

am guessing it was to send out a code one in order to give them time to check on the facts since who knows but maybe there cou d be some way a verba countdown wou d work if I were someone important# ike a descendant of the $apsburgs. (hey didn9t have much time. In such a situation safety may ie ess in probabi ities than in certainties# thus the code is possib e. I don9t think they were ike y to attribute my performance to insanity anyway# and that was my intention. 7ow another (J reference for support of the story. In an episode of Drey9s 2natomy a ive e-p osive is found in a patient9s body and one of the ranking doctors orders one of the interns to issue a code b ack. (hat is actua y incorrect. 3hy they said code b ack is unknown to me# e-cept that it may be they didn9t want peop e to start going into hospita s and giving the right code for an e-p osive instead of the one for bad weather# which is what a code b ack is# and I know this from having subse+uent y ooked at a ist of codes in a rea hospita and it gave code one and code b ack as I give them correct y here. 'o with that accomp ished# I was taken off to >adden. (he intake interview was stark y responsive to my attitude toward information. I dismissed a who e s ew of +uestions that I didn9t think were he pfu to them# by inventing phraseo ogy e+ua to anything in the +uestioner9s command of the anguage. It he ped me that it was rea y ate and the guy was probab y not in the mood to get into any big arguments over tripe such as he was asking# and my attitude was very stict anyway and not presenting much room for me being pushed around a ot. 8ooperative# yes# fauning# no. 'o I entered >adden with good posture. item%%22?! 2t >adden I sett ed in +uick y and then there arrived a patient of Ita ian features and carrying himse f in a masterfu way# with no oss of command from having a pronounced imp. $e was present at a conference with myse f# another patient# and a doctor# and he did a the ta king# stuff of perfect c arity though I don9t reca any detai s or sub.ect matter. During this man9s stay they had a specia buffet for a mea s. It was a rea y high budget food. I was sitting at a tab e the day or so after hearing the man in conference and he appeared there beside me and ooked at what I was writing. It was an occu t device# you might say# with no inguistic intent. I had been writing such things ever since I became home ess in 1"?1. 3hen he saw what I had written he said to me# 0Don9t do that in hereI0 3hi e I cou d see reason in it not being something to a ow others to see# or menta patients in particu ar not to see# I a so saw reason in there being nothing harmfu in it to them# me# or others. 'o# seeing as I on y had two more marks to make before the drawing was comp ete# I went under the man9s outstretched hands and finished the drawing with two swoops# boom boom. $e then said to me# smi ing such a smi e as comes once in a ifetime# 0Just put on twenty pounds# you9 be first. 2sk for a specia diet.0 I have to reference here to what at this writing I have not yet written about that happened in about 1"?3. ,(he present I am describing is in 1""2.* I was wa king the ha s of Ca e Baw 'choo as a home ess and stopped to ook at a bu etin board and there I saw a notice about a ta k to be given about the !!0 or so monarchies in the :nited 'tates. $uhFF 3hat9s a monarchy# et a one !!0 of them# doing in the :.'.F I never made it to the ta k and am eft to wonder# but there is much to consider in this notice. (here are monarchies here.

'o what was this guy# who had proven his c arity of mind a ready# to be thought of# having said what I .ust +uoted him sayingF I am ed to be ieve he was a king. I am ed thus to be ieve the term king%pin is what he was assigning to me. (he event at the regu ar hospita might be .udged to have become know edge to the po ice# the po ice9s operations might be considered to be fu y open to :.'. monarchies# and my actions thus may have been .udged by this monarchy# the Ita ian >afia no ess# to contain the seeds of a new monarchy. 2nother important detai re ated to my 8hicago >afia status is that I have good evidence I am of =oman ancestry. (he evidence came in 1"?5 but is discussed in segment 0000# item id "133# as it re ates to my birth. 'oon thereafter the man disappeared from >adden. In my own de iberations about him# I am of two minds. Ene# he was not menta y i and got into the hospita on a comp ete y covert basis by virtue of his power. (he other# he was menta y i but was neverthe ess a king and got into the hospita on a partia y covert basis. (he second mind has a modified form in which he was menta y i and a though not a king# of sufficent y high rank in the Ita ian monarchy that he he d the power to name me a kingpin if he so chose. I know not enough of >afia affairs to be ab e to te much the difference between these two versions of mind two. >y primary concern is for the distinction between mind one# and mind two in genera . (he matter as such re ates to the sca e of my designation at the point of the statement by the man to me about my being first. If mind two ho ds# then I might consider that my designation is one of many in the .urisdiction of the monarchy# in particu ar having sway over the community of the menta y i . If mind one ho ds# then it is much more ike y that my designation as first is without peer in the monarchy# an organi/ation that certain y must e-tend to a wa ks of ife. (he manner in which my power is rendered no threat to those who took part in my designation is most y by virtue of the vastness of the territory. (here is no need# in any fina consideration# for me to fee I need to force my wi on them. (heir understanding is sufficient that when prob ems arise# arge or sma # there is a sensib e way to conduct them to a so ution. 7o human agency# within the domain of the monarchy# is as wise# and wisdom of a certain scope that this wisdom has proven to reach is utter y friend y to the un imited advancement of its successors. item%%?5!5 'ome years ater I used a ca cu ator to draw initia s at random by which to refer to the man who made me a kingpin in the 8hicago >afia as discussed in segment 6100# item id 22?!. I did this twice# at a ong interva . (he first initia s were B.I. and the second were I.&. 3hen I had both sets# I put them together to get I&BI and abstracted from that &B in straight brackets# in other words%%the chemica symbo for ead# a heavy substance. (he person named in this way by random se ection was certain y a heavy. item%%"624 3hi e I&BI was sti at >adden there was a patient there who said he was a 8icero po ice officer. $e was a body bui der and a tough cookie. 3e had a few cordia words on the eve of tough understanding of rea ities. It was my be ief that he was there to get some idea of what I was ike# or possib y to provide po ice security for I&BI. $e certain y wasn9t menta y i # as far as I cou d see. item%%<!0; 2nother patient I met who a so said he was a po ice officer# a high ranking one# if I reca correct y# ta ked to me candid y when we were outside on the patio of our unit# a ong with other patients. $e

asked me what I wanted to do with my ife. I had some ambition to introduce academia to the theory I had formed about menta i ness when I was a student taking a c ass in psychosocia aspects of disabi ity at II(# so I answered# go into academia. $e chuck ed in containment of surprise at this and said# 0rea y# what do you want to becomeF0 $e seemed to be +uite certain that there was no future for me in academia. I think he was checking me out for work more c ose y associated with the po ice# but he didn9t e-press this in words. I was ater ta king to this man as we were standing inside our unit# during the bright day# and he was saying something about his daughter. 2s he was speaking# my mind rep ayed everything from the ast two seconds%%scenery# sounds# and this man9s words# in a perfect copy. (here were c icking noises in my mind as this happened. In the years afterward# this event remained a keen mystery. (he best I can do to describe it# not e-p ain it# is that I trave ed backwards in time and re.oined the universe# in progress# with an over ap for me of about two seconds. Did anyone e se in the universe a so trave in time with meF $ard to say. I refer to the event as an 0s0 in time# a doub ing back and continuing. I think such an event wou d affect the space%time continuum marked y# and I wou d venture to say such events are rare# perhaps as rare as the formation of ga a-ies in the universe. If it has the effect on space and time of creating an s# then it might be specu ated that it is actua y the generator of a ga a-y# many of which have the form of an s. (he fact that there a ready is a ga a-y here is not in conf ict with this assessment. 'ome ga a-ies e-ist in pairs# one trave ing through another. >aybe they9re co iding# maybe they aren9t. 'cience says they9re co iding. If this is a correct description# inc uding the ga a-y formation idea# then ike it or not# I have to ive with being at the center of this new ga a-y# and a its events circ ing about me. 2ny conc usions about what socia structures wou d natura y form around such an arrangement wou d be tricky to imagine# and I try to .ust ive by what I know. 2t this ear y stage of the ife of this new ga a-y# if this ana ysis is correct# it might be at issue whether events take it a ong the course of creation of a +uasar or a ong the course of .ust a ga a-y. I interpret the difference to be a matter of finding a way for myse f to incorporate a the specifications for star formation# inherant in the creation of a ga a-y# into my own make%up# so that the star% ike features of the +uasar evo ve# instead of being spread out a across the surroundings of the center of the ga a-y. item%%!2?B 2t about this time I met a patient at >adden in my unit named >aryann Benes. 'he said her husband was descended from 8/ech kings. I was sitting at a tab e by myse f once and heard >aryann# sitting e sewhere in the room with some other peop e# say something ike# 0I have to go find out what someone wants to do for a iving.0 I figured she was ta king about me# since as a 8/ech descendant myse f word of my promotion circ ing in the ethnic power centers might stimu ate some concern over how this promotion wou d affect my ineage materia y. 'o# thinking it was me# I chose to make it easy on her# and get the message done +uick y so as to prevent bureaucratic rigidities from interfering in the connection# by .ust saying into the room# 0If I had to say what I wanted to do for a iving it wou d be the fine arts.0 It was not a convenient situation for me. >y interests have a ways been ec ectic and I seem a ways to go seria y through professions. But at that moment# I cou d visua i/e doing art# so I said so.

2s a guest# an unwe come one# at my brother9s home# the fami y homestead# in D en ; yn# IB in 1"?2 I had discovered my drawing ta ents had accrued somehow# so I fe t it wou d be possib e to focus for a whi e on art. =ecent y# a reissuing of my art business credit card# a >astercard# came out with an account number ending in 0022. (he usua identifier of a master is 22. It9s somewhat of a mystery. I think >aryann subse+uent y was informed by a very different power group that I have a history of making out with ug y women. 7ot the most favorab e way to put it# but there it is. I don9t discriminate once circumstances get to a certain point. I don9t take fat women though. 2nyway# during a dance on the unit >aryann gestured at me very bra/en y as if she thought she cou d have me so easi y it was a .oke. I wasn9t amused. (hings have not been financia y fruitfu in art for me. Despite me keeping my part of the bargain# others have not supported my efforts. I think very definite y I have been b ack isted. item%%2?12 $aving given my ca ing as art# I considered any +uestion of my ta ent to be no onger at issue# as far as the 8hicago >afia organi/ation was concerned. I didn9t fee I needed to immediate y do e-pert work e-hibiting technica mastery. I had done it at my brother9s p ace# so if they needed to know what my ta ents were they cou d ook at the record# and I e-pected they wou d make this a part of any assessment in any case. 'o confident the evidence was there# I decided to move forward from there. (hey had an art therapy session for the patients. 'taff eft after a whi e. I proceded to do simp e designs that showed how much aesthetic va ue cou d be had from on y a few marks%%the ess is more idea. I figured this was more he pfu to the other patients than my showing off. >aybe someone who was not a igned with my interests# especia y such as anyone inked to the b ack ist of me# took my work there as a sign I was a poor artist# uninterested in showing off because he cou dn9t do it. In any case# time passed. (hen a patient came to my unit who was obvious y Ita ian# and with a very strong persona ity# I wou d say not menta y i at a . $e took an interest in me. $e ca ed me >r. Designer# as if it was some kind of .oke needing to be c arified with a direct investigation. $e wasn9t abusive# on y skeptica in a po ite sort of way. $e took a maga/ine and paged through it to a photo of a b ack mode # very pretty# and asked me to draw it. (here was some paper and a pen handy so I took them and started to draw e-act y what I saw. (he man watched me very carefu y. 2fter a brief moment and the detai in my work continued to f ow steadi y and +uick y# he uttered# 0Jesus 8hristI0 It was pretty obvious his direct investigation was at odds with someone9s verba report. item%%6B6D (hen a itt e ater there was another apparent direct investigation by this man into what I have identified as someone e ses9s derogatory opinion of me. (his is the opinion of 3i iam <. 3i t# who was my mother9s brother# so my unc e# who had said to me with contempt# in 1"?1# 0you need to work.0 2t issue# I be ieved# was my attitude toward physica abor.

(he man presented to me the situation that he wanted to wipe off the tab es on the unit# and seemed to suggest that I might want to he p him. En y s ight y aware of the connections of this gambit to :nc e Bi # I pitched in right away and we got it done e-peditious y. I had no issue with abor. It9s my unc e9s thing. I do things knowing that I have on y so much certainty of resources materia i/ing in the indefinite future. I do not assume that because resources of a certain description have arrived in the past they wi arrive in the future# un ess detai s convince otherwise. >y rather heavy body is a resu t. Ethers may fai me. If I don9t give myse f# by maintaining a heavy body# a certain time hori/on I can count on as ab e to sustain a eve of work that has become regu ar# then I am at the mercy of uncertainties which others are unab e to reso ve and remove in their own functioning# speaking of others who de iver services and resources for my benefit. (hese uncertainties of others inc ude imits to their competence in their .ob# and this is a key ingredient in the detai s which I must address in maintaining a arge body weight. I work to increase the abi ity of those whose .obs contribute to my we %being. I do this whi e working toward financia and ogistica independence of my own. Ethers seeking independence may be more fortunate in having workab e environments a ready. I am not so fortunate# and work to make ife workab e. Ethers are benefiting from this situation# but that is acceptab e under the terms of my graduation from Ca e# where there is an e-terna wa inscribed with the words of 7athan $a e# 0I wish to be usefu .0 (hings# however# have gotten out of hand. I have so passed beyond the ambitions of $omo sapiens that I seek to curtai the benefits of my work to .ust my mate# 8rysta 7ewe # and our descendants. Being usefu to another species which considers you a fai ure because you don9t make much money is a transitiona state. (hey can ce ebrate my error in not accepting mutation as the origin of species variation. I have itt e to ce ebrate in their error accepting it. Back to :nc e Bi . If I were to ive by :nc e Bi 9s ru es# I wou d .ump into tasks at every turn in order to sustain a continuous impression in peop e that I am not afraid of work. (his wou d satisfy :nc e Bi . It wou d prevent me from being an effective kingpin# and it wou d have prevented me from pursuing my aspirations when I was home ess. $e never went to the troub e of getting my side of the argument. 3hen I answered his statement that I needed to work# I said I had worked. (his was an argument that there was no deficit# in the record of my working# to .ustify any suggestion I didn9t respect the fundamenta idea of abor. $e had the option at that point of saying something more. $e didn9t. 'o as far as I9m concerned I don9t owe him and his egacy a damned thing# and if I ever find it in my means to su y his name# .ust y and accurate y# I wi do so. $e and his egacy# it wou d be fair y obvious to any informed observer# have tried to su y my name without .ustice or accuracy# so I have a greater victory in store than any they seek. item%%BB?" By the same process that I gave the random initia s I&BI to the man who promoted me to kingpin in the 8hicago >afia# I have given to the man who performed these two direct investigations into my disposition# the art and the abor# the random initia s BJ. It seems convenient that when I first came up with BJ for the second man# I had .ust come up with BI for the first# and a common mathematica se+uence of ordering terms of e-pressions is I and J. In common# the etter B might stand for 0by act of Batek#0 a corre ary of the actions toward me of BI and BJ. 'o this state of affairs in genera seems amp e cause to inaugurate the bureaucratic rea ity of the terms# 0by act of Batek.0

I refer to my bureau# in a its e-tentions into the wor d and universe# as the /erobureau# because it is at the center of a matters of importance. item%%<""2 I was housed in two different units at >adden. In the first one I met &B. In the second one I met two gir s I chose as simu taneous gir friends# >ary $anes and a gir named ;rin. >ary was ta er and in her ate twenties I wou d say# and ;rin was medium height and in her ear y twenties I wou d say. >ary arrived first. 'he was right away the top gir in the unit. I didn9t make a p ay for her right away. I did when ;rin arrived and the two of them offered me a better pairing than either one a one. >ary iked art. (here was a group art session and >ary and I sat at opposite ends of the tab e. 'he ca ed me $oney and I ca ed her Dear. I had a private chat with one of the fema e staff in her office for some reason and I was physica y supportive of her# as she had a tough .ob. >ary was watching the who e thing from outside the staffer9s window and when I saw her she smi ed and gestured her p easure. (he staff member didn9t see her. >ary and ;rin and I p ayed a game with dice marked with etters. >ary and ;rin were rea y e-cited by it# I think because it enab ed them to f irt with me without anyone knowing%%choosing f irtatious words to spe . I had a moment# when ;rin was standing among some peop e and >ary was sitting with me# when I was moved to put my body into two simu taneous courting positions with them and I got up# remained engaged with >ary# and engaged ;rin in conversation that was e-treme y difficu t because of the simu taneity. ;rin9s parents came to visit and she introduced me with great pride as a Ca e graduate. (he unit went on a wa k around the campus shared with $ines Jeterans9 $ospita and >ary# ;rin# and I went. >ary and I had a foot race and a though I won I suspect she gave the race to me# knowing men don9t ike their women to beat them at sports. (hen we did cartwhee s in a picnic area. (hen on the way back >ary found a muscu ar fireman# with his parked firetruck# to f irt with. ;rin and I had a chance to ta k a one on the wa k and I e-pressed frustration having both her and >ary and she said I shou d have >ary9s chi dren and marry ;rin. I had had the same idea and said so. I was not financia y in any position to do either. item%%32"; I had the occasion at >adden about this time to meet a patient named John Aie basa# a &h.D. physicist who had worked at the :niverstiy of 8hicago. $e took me under his wing and we discussed very sketchi y the design of a fusion bomb. It didn9t add much to what I knew and I was not educated enough to get much of use from him anyway# not in a hospita setting.

John prided himse f on his chess p ay and we had one game. (owards the end he thought he definite y had me and he demonstrab y removed my king and rep aced it with an inferior ooking king that had been sitting around. (hen I went ahead and beat him. I think you cou d say he was crushed. (he ne-t day I ca ed to him from across the room and ayed my victory on thick. (hen one day ear y in the morning John and I were sitting together and I was not doing we menta y and he chose to ay it on thick# saying to a nearby psych worker# 0$e wants to be an aaaaastronaut.0 I had never said I wanted to be an astronaut. Ene day we were sitting in the pit# a sunken area of the open ward# in its center with a te evision# and I said something oud about two gir s sitting there# how we shou d take them out together. John thought I spoke too oud y and shushed me. I fe t that arranging a doub e date was a service to him I cou d and shou d perform# as first. I suppose it was a bit crude. item%%?4<? I had a severe y uncomfortab e psychotic fee ing one day and the nurse gave me an 2tivan prn. It took effect nice y after a ha f hour. 3hen my doctor heard this she decided she had so ved a my prob ems with the diagnosis of 0genera an-iety# atypica .0 'he put me on Buspar# a ess addictive variant of 2tivan. 'he was so proud of her diagnosis that she asked me to appear at a meeting of a the hospita 9s psychiatrists to present my case. 2t this meeting# which was not .ust devoted to my case# either she asked me to make a statement or I asked to make one. I made one. I gave an overview of my theory of menta i ness. 7one of them got it# apparent y# but as they a fi ed out after the meeting two 2sian doctors# apparent y interns# he d their heads in shame. I have three things to con.ecture about this) 1* (hey got it. 2* (hey intended to put it to use. 3* (hey were ashamed of themse ves for stea ing my work without attribution. 2 three are specu ations. item%%BB!5 I made it a regu ar practice to run around a circuit inside the hospita comp e- out of doors. I used fancy footwork. item%%"382 (here was a young student psych intern at >adden who was young and very attractive with ong dark hair# an 2sian gir . I en.oyed ta king with her and she said that her grandmother had given her a secret name# unbeknownst to her parents. 'he said it was 08herry.0 En the day I departed >adden for good and said my goodbyes to everyone I wa ked past 8herry and near y stroked her hair. 'he ooked on with crysta c arity. item%%!4;3 2pproaching my discharge date at >adden I e-pressed concern to a worker about finding a p ace to ive upon my departure and he said not to worry# that they wou d find me a home. Bater I attended a meeting in which this worker presented us with a sheet of names of nursing homes

a of which were possib e homes for us. $e to d us to pick out a few and they wou d take us there to visit. $e then casua y made some offhanded remark about something and part of what he said was the words 0Bryn >awr.0 Bryn >awr 8are was one of the names on the ist and in my semi%i thinking be ieved he was te ing me that the best one on the ist was Bryn >awr 8are. 'o I inc uded it in my ist of three and after visiting a three went ahead and chose Bryn >awr. (he others were 3i son 8are and 8 ayton $ouse. 2 three were in 8hicago. Bryn >awr is the name of a co ege in Bryn >awr# &2. Bryn >awr 8are is on the ;ast side of Aenmore 'treet .ust 'outh of the intersection with Bryn >awr 2venue. item%%?D;; 3ith my discharge date approaching I went on pass outside the hospita and found a f orist within wa king distance and bought some f owers for the staff as thankyou. (hey were de ivered. (his was very warm y recieved. 1""3 0" 21 1 0" 44 !0 segment 6200 1""4 04 25 1 00 4? 23

item%%D!BB >y first bed at Bryn >awr 8are is not memorab e. 'oon after I wound up on the si-th f oor. item%%8<B6 Ene of my roommates was John E98onnor# son of the famous po itca commenter on te evision# Ben E98onnor. John was a ways thinking and ready with something unusua to ta k about if you had a co ege degree. $is topics were a ways easi y wrapped in appea ing speech. 'ometimes he wou d ask me for information about something he was thinking about# usua y for c arification. 2s a roommate he came to the conc usion I wasn9t we educated because I cou dn9t ist the books I studied from in co ege. Ene day I saw John and another Bryn >awr 8are resident# 2 bert >aronce i# in the ha and John had his shirt off whi e 2 bert fond ed his nipp es and said# 0these are your nipp es# John.0 and aughed. Cears ater I said to 2 bert I thought he was a homose-ua and recounted seeing him fond ing John9s nipp es. $e denied it ever happened. 3hen I asked John whether he went out with gir s he said he didn9t want to ta k about it. $e was a c ose friend of 2 an Berberic# who is wide y regarded as gay. (hey roomed together outside Bryn >awr 8are for a whi e. It didn9t ast. item%%12;1 2nother of my roommates was David 'paudi. 2t this time he and I had the in%house .ob of wa king around the b ock with a waste receptic e picking up cigarette butts and other debris. 3e started before dawn. Dave showed me the ropes# and it was hard to get the wi up for this miserab e .ob# which is what Dave taught me. item%%2682 2nother in%house .ob I had was operating the back e evator# which at the time had a gate that needed to be pu ed back at each stop. I en.oyed this .ob# shouting out the f oors and ooking for 0customers.0 item%%512< >y first gir friend at Bryn >awr 8are was Jenny Casi o# an o d but rea y bui t ady with gang and connections. 'he said she iked her men 0chunky.0 I fit.

Jenny knew I needed to imber up and one day she ed me in stretches as the sun broke in the dayroom. Jenny one day in the dayroom gestured towards another o der fema e resident# 8aro Best# who I knew was very wea thy. Jenny seemed to be saying I shou d go for her# and so I did# and became 8aro 9s boyfriend. En into the re ationship# for some reason# a b ack fema e Bryn >awr 8are emp oyee tried to keep us apart. 'he said I wasn9t to touch her. (hat ended it. 8aro had a superb body and se- with her was great. (he first time she came into my room when my roommate was there so it was strained# but fee ing her skin sent me into heaven. 'he was very aggressive with me# but I et that go. Ence after a c ima- I raised myse f over her and picked her who e body up. 'he remarked ater that she rea y iked that. 8aro wou d sit by her bed and .ust sit# for hours on end. I earned a great dea of patience from her this way. 'he knew the bedroom. 'he had been married. I9m not sure if there was a divorce or she was widowed. 'he described the first se- with her husband as having si- or seven orgasms a around the house. 'he said her maiden name was 8hristiensen. I wrote to her daughter# who a so had chi dren# to say I iked 8aro a ot and wou d do what I cou d to make her ife good# and her daughter wrote a nice etter back with a five do ar bi . I read the etter in the obby of Bryn >awr 8are and there was a b ack man# apparent y with gang connections# sitting there and when he saw the five he asked me why she had sent it to me# in a voice that seemed to nu ify the va ue of the do ar and made me think that he was then going to take action to stop the re ationship. I took 8aro out to eat occasiona y at the restaurant across the street from Bryn >awr 8are. Ence 8aro asked me if I wanted to put on her night c othes and I did and got in her bed a one. 'he sat there and watched me. (hat was a of that there was. 'ome gir s know that some boys ike to foo around in gir s9 c othes. item%%1"<3 I took up oi painting when I was iving on the si-th f oor. 'ma canvases# about "0-120# were my choice# and I did a ot of them%%abstracts# each with a signature variant. >ark# the nursing home administrator at the time# bought one for about G20 and put it on his office wa . I had no shows other than private ones with certain staff members. : timate y they a wound up in the trash e-cept for that one I so d to 2ugie# and at a much ater date I asked for it back because I thought it was a forgery and trashed that too. (he work wasn9t good%%no privacy in the workspace# which was the dayroom. item%%4D5" 3hi e I was in the hospita at >adden I continued to co ect socia security income whi e at the same time >edicare was paying for the hospita bi # so when I came out I had about G2000 to my name. 2fter using up a but a coup e hundred do ars I made a G1!0 donation to the 2rt Institute of 8hicago. >y name appeared as a donor in a document pub ished by the 2rt Institute.

1""4 04 25 1 00 4? 23

segment 6300

1""4 11 2" 0 03 !1 !!

item%%;10; 2bout this time I decided to find a church to attend so I took a wa k outside Bryn >awr 8are# going 7orthward on Aenmore. (here was a church on the corner of Bryn >awr but I didn9t want something that c ose. 2 itt e farther on there was a church on the corner of 2rdmore and it was about far enough so I ended up attending there. (hey had a mass everyday so it was simi ar to the 8atho ic 8hurch. It was ;piscopa . (he name was 8hurch of the 2tonement. (he dai y morning mass was attended by about a do/en peop e and afterward they wou d usua y a go out for breakfast at a oca restaurant. I went a ong numerous times and tended to be treated by others. (he ta k over breakfast was fair y entertaining. (hey a had good .obs and were active and socia . (he priest who gave mass dai y%%the personne changed dai y%%had a ayman to he p and I started doing it. I had the mistaken notion that I was good at it and I wrote a etter to one of the priests suggesting they use me every day. It was ignored. I was tota y ungrounded in re igion and used the church socia y. (hey had events# the best ones were dinners for a big crowd he d in their parish ha . 2 in a # I was not appreciative of these peop e9s spiritua ity. It was most y about money. @@item%%"<5< 1""4 0" to 1""5 0? ;mp oyment by $arro d $arrison $ayden# owner and so e other member for most of my time with the company# Intramark# dea ing in internationa trave and trade. I met $arro d# an open y gay man# when I was regu ar y attending (he ;piscopa 8hurch of the 2tonement# on Aenmore at the southeast corner of ; mda e# in 8hicago. (his church was teeming with gay men and women. 2t the time# before seeing how insidious homose-ua ity is# I had no opinion about it and genera y accepted it as awfu # a things being e+ua . $arro d ended that acceptance. $e approached me with an offer to try me out doing te emarketing and if it went we he wou d bring me on fu time. $e had no emp oyees at the time and was working out of his apartment in 2ndersonvi e# a neighborhood of 8hicago and a part of the ;dgewater neighborhood# where I ived. 2ndersonvi e is a haven for gays. (he te emarketing went ok# I suppose# I don9t know. In any case# he said I was hired. 3hi e I had been working he had a fema e guest in the apartment and they disappeared for some time# then came out and $arro d was f ushed. 2pparent y they had been having se-. In retrospect# I think it might have been that he was trying to set things up to enter my heterose-ua routine subversive y. (hese gays do things that make no sense e-cept as manipu ation of unsuspecting heterose-ua s# for purposes inc uding seeing if they can get into your bed. (he woman congratu ated me on my 0success0. It was disturbing that so inconse+uentia a .ob cou d be considered by her a success.

(he work I did for $arro d was a waste of time. It didn9t inspire me# paid very itt e%%about G5 an hour%% and more to the point# put me in dai y contact with a man who was harboring se-ua intentions toward me whi e giving mouth service to a c aim that he never approached anyone as a gay over un ess they e-pressed a desire for that. In fact# it is possi be that eaving this impression in my mind# about him not approaching anyone un ess they say it9s ok# was intended to be inked eventua y with him making a pass at me# which he did# as the story ne-t wi show. (hese two inked# one without further information wou d conc ude# if he accepted $arro d9s word as good# that I had e-pressed at some point an interest in se-ua ity with $arro d. In 1""5# whi e we were working in the office he had taken at the 3or d (rade 8enter of the >erchandise >art in 8hicago# and I was on the phone with a fema e# $arro d spoke e-treme y se-ua y vio ent y to me and forced my conversation with the woman to end. 2 few days ater he did the same thing when I was on the phone with a different woman. It is my be ief he did this because he had been ooking for any interest in me becoming se-ua y responsive with him# ever since the beginning of my emp oyment# and after a most two years of this he had decided it didn9t ook ike I was going to come over to his side without coercion# so he took the ogica ne-t step of seeing if I wou d come over &ith coercion. (hus the sudden outbursts of provocation. >y reaction to these outbursts was to fi e them in my mind as acts of termina disinterest in the norma cy that had been estab ished over two years# apparent y a tota mas+uerade# and to seem to ignore them# then to assume that this .ob was not going to work out and eventua y something wou d end it# though what it wou d be I cou dn9t be sure as I have never been one to go to the aw over civi disturbances so there was nothing I persona y was going to do. 'ure enough# $arro d soon after this informed me that it was time for me to move on# in so many words. I didn9t ask him why and he didn9t vo unteer it# another suspicious e ement. En some other occasion ater# I9m not sure when# I did ask him why and he said it was because he had been re+uested to garnish my wages by my co ege oan creditors and that is something most emp oyers wou d rather not bother with# though he a so admitted that the matter was a bit of a .udgment ca # or something ike that. But as the firing came out of the b ue# without a history of any e-pression of dissatisfaction whatsoever# this seems a comp ete fabrication# and certain y the se-ua incompatibi ity e-p anation is by comparison a much better one. 1""4 11 2" 0 03 !1 !! segment 6400 1""! 06 03 1 05 !! 26

item%%5250 'oon after starting work for $arro d $ayden he convinced me to move out of Bryn >awr 8are into an apartment by myse f. It was a studio on the second f oor in a three story bui ding at !630 7. 'heridan in 8hicago. item%%5B;1 2bout this time $arro d decided to move his operation from his home# a two%bedroom apartment on D enview in 8hicago# to a suite of offices in the >erchandise >art of 8hicago# ca ed the 3or d (rade

8enter. 3e first were ocated in a coup e of desks stuffed into a itt e spare f oor space# but we short y moved into a room with a door. It was +uite arge# considering we on y had two desks and a ong creden/a. (here was a 3(8 staff and an administrator a of whom organi/ed events and worked dea s for corporate members of the 3(8. item%%D356 (he on y significant work $arro d did that I cou d see was to market# in 7orth 2merica# the services of a convention center in Birmingham# ;ng and. >y ro e in this was to do mass mai ings. I a so attended a meeting in 8hicago where severa prospective c ients were ab e to meet the top staff of the center. $arro d9s two key contacts at the convention center were 'hir ey Bow es and a woman named 8hristina. item%%00?! (he center was actua y two organi/ations. Ene was the Internationa 8onvention 8enter# or I88. (he other was the 7ationa ;-hibition 8enter. 2 prime c ient for the 7;8 was the Birmingham 'ymphony Erchestra# ed at the time by 'ir 'imon =att e. item%%!1D6 2nother specia event I went to for Intramark was in the 3ashington D.8. area# and we .etted out there with another associate of $arro d9s# a gent eman named Dreg Bewdanski ,spe ingF*. (his event was a trade show for the convention center business. (he e-hibitors were most y convention centers and the peop e who attended were prospective users. (he Birmingham peop e were not in attendance. En this trip there was a socia gathering at a bar# and another for dinner at a restaurant. Both were among a group of about si- that inc uded some other associates of $arro d9s besides >r. Beudanski and myse f. 2t the actua trade show I observed >r. Bewdanski meeting a young# attractive gir . $e surprised me with his e-treme naivetee. $e voca i/ed that he had abso ute y no sense about whether he cou d 0get0 this gir . $e had had p astic surgery done on his face. It was striking y handsome. &erhaps he hadn9t gotten accustomed to it. &erhaps he was natura y vu nerab e# and if so it wou d e-p ain $arro d9s emp oying him# considering that $arro d9s interest in me turned out to be se-ua and not business% re ated. I a so am +uite naive. item%%<66< $arro d occasiona y had his two nephews come to stay with him. (hey were his brother9s boys. $is brother was having troub es in ife. $arro d to d me he thought one of the boys might be considering that he was gay. $arro d# as a gay man# said that he wou d do what he cou d to get the boy to become gay. I met $arro d9s brother and his wife at $arro d9s p ace once and the wife put the moves on me when we were a one in the iving room. I dec ined her advances# which continued as they got in the car to eave. item%%42"? $arro d said he was a direct descendant of the famous composer# <ran/ Joseph $ayden. (he fami y had reunions from time to time.

item%%022B I assemb ed a number of documents I wrote about my ife# inc uding one that sketched out a number of the most remarkab e events# and showed them to three peop e at the church I was attending# (he ;piscopa 8hurch of the 2tonement. Ene was the second eve priest# Bi Johnson. $e and I ta ked over the introduction to the document in which I noted that my two degrees form the etters abba# and that this is the word for daddy# a spiritua term for one9s teacher in some or other anguage# and that it was used to refer to peop e in =oman times who ived on the edges of society# ca ed desert fathers# and that this in essence is how I ived when I was home ess# and that perhaps no other e-amp es of an 2.B. degree and a B.2. degree# in that order# e-ist outside of myse f. <ather Johnson said perhaps it is uni+ue. $e re ated an e-perience iving in a home ess she ter for a whi e as an introduction to home essness within the terms of his office. $e found it most unusua . 2nother person I showed the document to was =ona d <o-# a re igious brother. 3hen I first saw him after he had read the document on his own he immediate y went to his knees and genuf ected to me. 'ome of the document was pretty heavy. I saw no point in humi iating him in front of other parishoners who were around so I genuf ected to him right away afterward. I didn9t and don9t consider myse f a savior anyway. It was a very rare incident. (he fina person I showed the document to was 3atson 'tewart# a b ack homose-ua ayperson. (here were some offensive passages about b acks but a so a statement of a 7ew Cear9s reso utiion to forgive them# and >r. 'tewart said he cou dn9t find the document and wasn9t ab e to return it. >ore ike y he either burned it or gave it to someone for my registry as a racia be igerant# which I c ear y am not if you read the who e document. >r. 'tewart is a very efficient# responsib e man and wou dn9t be thought of as someone to misp ace something entrusted to him ike a book. 7atura y# I forgive him. item%%836D 2t the ;piscopa 8hurch of the 2tonement I was a member of the vounteer choir. Ether members inc uded >r. and >rs. &au and =ita Aikutani and >iss 8aro yn Bowyer. (he Aikutanis invited me to their home for a specia dinner# I forget what the occasion was. (hey a so invited a church member named Jacky <ourshee and tried to hook us up# with comp ete discretion and no direct words to the effect. (hey said private y she he d a very responsib e position in a company. >iss fourshee was compared to me fair y oversi/ed and though prim and proper did not accentuate her fema eness# so i wasn9t interested and as the evening wore on things got a itt e uncomfortab e. >iss Bowyer was an actress and taught acting in a c ass at (ruman 8o ege. 'he and I embraced once in her apartment on 'heridan =oad and though she sent me a the signa s I cou d imagine save for a very few that she wanted to retire with me to her bedroom I didn9t consider such impromptu se- to be wise considering my p ace in the wor d. 8aro yn was +uite appea ing but seemed to be revo ving around society at the church without much de iberation# and I considered the church to be oaded with dangerous possibi ities# most notab y the numerous gay peop e and a the fine points to consider in dea ing ade+uate y with them in an environment where they were emphatica y we come. 8aro yn wasn9t gay# but the church was no p ace to engage in any freehanded heterose-ua re ations. (oo many +ueer interpretations of a that entered the grape vine. item%%8?;2 I had a distraction with a minor at the 8hurch of the 2tonement. I won9t give her name. 3e were working on some church affair and became invo ved more than the regu ar e-tent for our re ative ages.

I had a chance to speak in some confidence with her father and to d him I was interested in marrying his daughter and wou d be interested in courting her to that end and was wi ing to make somewhat e-treme accomodations because of the unusua circumstances. $e said he had no prob em with that. I was e-hi arated. 'he was rea y cute. $er father may have known I was a Ca e a umnus. (his gir was precocious and her fami y a very inte igent with some appearance of se-ua ibera ness. item%%4;6B 2t the 8hurch of the 2tonement I sometimes ushered under the direction of a senior member of the aity named >arion 'mith. 'he was widowed and very senior but I had a keen appreciation for her feminine assets abiding within a very strict# wi fu demeanor. 'he commented to another senior ady once that I was someone she wou d do we to meet. I gathered from this there was something of a senior adies9 network for defending their se-ua vita ity with no a owance for margina ity. I was sure this was a good thing but not sure I wanted to become known for my senior womani/ing. I was a one with >arion in her car once going with her to the Jewe food store and it cou d have gotten intense but I did consider the church a dangerous grounds for heterose-ua s because of a the gays# p us my particu ar attraction to >arion was not deep enough to merit a physica side. 2 pregnant si ence was a that happened. 3hen I heard that one of the ma e gays at the church was infuriated that I had given him and two others & ayboy maga/ines as a .oke for 8hristmas# I said to him over >arion9s shou der something about my being a friend of 0>2=IE7 '>I($0. (his gay guy died of something a itt e ater. $e had been a c ose friend of my emp oyer at the time# $arro d $ayden. 1""! 06 03 1 05 !! 26 segment 6!00 1""5 02 0! 0 0" !" 00

item%%D6"2 In the privacy of my apartment I masturbated on top of my tab e. I used memories of an 2sian mode I had seen on te evision and thoughts of the image of an infant# .ust to be age ess about it. (he mode had had beautifu arge breasts. I had two orgasms on those two images within five minutes of each other. item%%1"14 2bout this time I created a game for my sib ings and father. I made a ist of ad.ectives for each of them and they were supposed to pick the ones they thought app ied%%each person to make se ections under each person9s group. (hen I wou d co ect a the se ections and distribute them back to everyone. I don9t reca if I p anned to bunch the se ections made for each person together without identifying who picked what# or if I p anned to show who picked what for whom. 7atura y# I oaded the ists for each person with things I didn9t ike about them# and a few I did ike. 3e # I guess I was a bit too obvious. >y father sent the sheet back to me and# writing in anger on the sheet# made a stick figure abe ed Jim with an arrow pointed at it and the words# 0never grew up.0 (he game had been a way to raise consciousness in the fami y. I figured it9s never too ate. I didn9t appreciate being ca ed .uveni e# in effect# and I sent back what I fe t wou d be taken by him as a more adu t% ike response because he considered profanity so important to his own adu thood. I made a big rectang e and wrote in it# 0dear Dad. Duess whatF Cou9re a fuckin9 assho e.0 $e didn9t know I was first in the 8hicago >afia. I never to d him. Anow it or not# he was not going to get away with insubordination.

$e wrote back and said he was taking my name out of a his records. I et things stew for a coup e months# I think# and ca ed him on the phone and said I didn9t know what a this was about. (hat9s a I said. $e took it as an apo ogy. I guess it sort of was. 2nyway# he accepted the apo ogy# he said# and that was about it. 2pparent y his second wife# Ingeborg# didn9t ike any of this. 'he stopped communicating with me and so did my sister# Binda# though on y Binda took the troub e to write and say she wou d never communicate again. Didn9t give a reason. >y fami y is not one to e-press itse f c ear y. B untness# they know what to do with. Binda a so said she wanted me never to have contact with her two chi dren. 7everthe ess# In my view this matter was between Aenneth Batek and me and if these others were to get invo ved they ought to get their facts straight. >r. Aenne took the first swing. If .uveni ity was the issue# then he certain y did take the first swing. If any of the matters I a uded to in my initia mai ing of the game were the issue# then which of them was itF Er which ones. (hat is a fight begun and not ended# and I am g ad to have taken a step down that path. I consider .uveni ity a misinterpretation of my eterna youth. It certain y is no dishonor to have appea to a 26 year o d gir when I am !". It can be a ha/ard. I read a newspaper artic e not ong ago that cited a study showing that men dating younger women have a significant incidence of attempts of suicide. I had my first incident# though on y to consider suicide# not attempt it# but it fe after the moment when I ca ed this autobiography ended in time e-tent so I wi not discuss it at ength here. >y game was not offensive. It was comprehensive. >r. Aenne9s remark was off%handed and of a esser si/e interest. It points to a rea fissure around me in the fami y. >aybe it9s Batek9s curse%%a tendency for fami y re ations to break off permanent y. >aybe# maybe not. >aybe it9s something uni+ue y me. 7ot enough p ay in the system# and it cracks under strain of uni+ueness. (he species is protected from the fireba by a the debris of ruined fami y re ations scattered about the site of the disturbance. (empering a this animosity is the fact# sti seeming y va id# of my fai ure to warm to my father9s toughness from the very beginning# a fai ure brought on by some sort of pacifism hovering over the fami y. It eads me to +uestion my own grounds of reason when observing anything tough my father did. (here are many approaches to the past# and many e-its to the future. 1""5 02 0! 0 0" !" 00 segment 6500 1""5 0" 0" 0 01 02 32

item%%6548 :pon my firing by $arro d $ayden# I went to see <ather >r. Dean &a-ton =ice# the head priest at the church I was attending# (he ;piscopa 8hurch of the 2tonement# where I had met $arro d# to ask for advice and assistance ooking for another .ob. $e was marked y uncooperative. $e said he wou d pray for me. I had paid a tithe a during my attendance and I e-pected something in return# a comp ete y unpenitant attitude but I never devoted any ipservice to being a penitant type. $arro d had said this priest was probab y gay# so I figured word of my firing# a ong with instructions to et me drown# had spread among the church9s gay crowd. 1""5 0" 0" 0 01 02 32 segment 6600 1""6 04 13 1 04 05 04

item%%56<! 3hen I was et go by $arro d $ayden# sometime about 2ugust# 1""5# I had no ideas for other emp oyment# so I decided to do art. I did about eight oi s# 240-350# and started ca ing p aces that might e-hibit them. I a so had transparencies made of them. I put nai s in the wa of my studio apartment# a around it# and considered the work from these mountings. (here was a mou ding high on the wa s a around and I put the nai s .ust above it. 3hen I ca ed (ruman 8o ege# the officia in charge of main obby disp ays invited me to come to her office with the s ides. ,&hotographers wi te you that what most peop e ca 0s ides0 are rea y to be ca ed 0transparencies0. It9s a habit of mine to ca them s ides and I haven9t bothered to fi- it.* 2t the meeting with her# she ooked at the s ides and said she wou d ike to have a show for me. It was to be a of the month of 7ovember that year. I brought the art to (ruman and they mounted it in the front obby of the co ege. 2t one point the administrator and one of the co ege9s art professors# and myse f# were in the administrator9s office and the administrator asked the professor what she thought of my work and she said immediate y and with an undercurrent of ine-pressib es that they were 0a inspired.0 (hey he d a reception for me one evening ear y in the show# beside the art in the obby. (hey had a cake with congratu ations on it# punch# and a vase of wi df owers# which they invited me to take home in thanks. 2 crowd of students came through the e-hibit area when a be rang. Ene of them was an attractive 2sian gir I spotted desiring y. 'he didn9t stop. Ene of the participants in the reception who spoke with me was an o der gent eman named 8ervantes. $e was of hispanic ethnicity. <or insurance purposes# the administrator had asked me to provide prices for a the works. I asked her for some suggestion of a range but she insisted it was entire y up to me and they wou d accept whatever I decided# no matter what. I strugg ed over this. <ina y I came up with a variety of prices# a of them in about the range of G2000 to G!000. It was a vanity to think there wou d be a sa e# no matter what the price# and the administrator had to d me that# so I priced them as what I thought their rea worth was if I had a patron. (here were no sa es. (o transport the works to and from (ruman I put them in my aundry basket and covered them with a towe . It was sufficient. I took a cab. 2 costs for the art and the show e-hausted my funds. It was a desperation effort in the face of unemp oyment. item%%28;2 (he show of oi s at (ruman 8o ege ended at the end of 7ovember# 1""5# so I started to ive e-pecting to go home ess when the money ran out. 'ocia 'ecurity notified me that by working for Intramark I had nu ified my e igibi ity for disabi ity income. By continuing to receive checks anyway I had amassed a considerab e debt to 'ocia 'ecurity. I secured unemp oyment compensation but it didn9t ast

ong. item%%D6?; I bought a nice itt e b ackboard and put it on the wa behind a wooden cabinet I had bought and assemb ed. (his enab ed me to work on ideas without wasting paper. item%%;D8? I bought a set of barbe s tota ing about 120 pounds. I didn9t use them near y enough to .ustify the e-pense. 3hen I did use them I had a sma weight on them. I thought as I ifted# not verbatim# 0I invite young gir s to be in my mind to see what it is ike for a man to ift weights.0 It didn9t occur to me that this wou d create a return offer from the gir s of some para e nature. 2t this writing I seem to have an abi ity to percieve the attractiveness of men. I don9t ike it and I want to take back my offer of viscera empathy with gir s. item%%D48B I deve oped a concept at this time for a se- act of high y vo ati e nature. Diven my iking for se- with many differrent gir s# I thought it wou d be the ma-imum of satisfaction for me to have se- with thousands of gir s. I knew that there was a report# in a trade pub ication book# that the basketba star 3i t 8hamber ain had had se- with a different gir each night after every game# the gir s being chosen by his staff# whatever that means for a basketba p ayer. (he number of gir s was in the thousands. En y I wanted to have offspring with a of them. It was on y possib e if there was a g oba crisis ending in me getting a the power and a the other men getting /ero power. I knew that such a thing wou d on y be possib e if I cou d satisfy every one of the gir s desires for seover the time of the event# which I estimated wou d be twenty years. 2nd then afterward there wou d be parenting and somehow dea ing with the possibi ity that one or more of the ma e offspring wou d want to fo ow in my footsteps. Diven that there wou d have to be great popu ar desire for se- with me# or it wou dn9t happen# I considered that I needed to satisfy the who e popu ation as much as I cou d# meaning that some gir s wou d have to accept that they wou d have an orgasm on my erection whi e I wou d not have an e.acu ation. I tried to estimate the number of times I cou d do this in a day in which on y one gir wou d get the e.acu ation. : timate y I figured about 2! gir s was the most I cou d possib y take care of this way. But 0rea istica y0 this wou d on y be at the beginning. I saw that over time my powers wou d wain unti one erection a day was my imit. 7ot knowing what the time function wou d be ike I estimated it to be iinear. 'o the average wou d be ha f the ma-imum. (wenty years of dai y se- ike this wou d provide orgasms for about "0#000 gir s. (here wou d be 6#300 possib e pregnancies. (he first prob em wou d be satisfying a the gir s. =aising the kids wou d come ater. I visua i/ed it as a se+uence of days beginning on one coast of the :.'. and going a sma distance# by bicyc e probab y since that9s my favortite transportation# to the ne-t site where another group wou d have things ready by the time I arrived. 3e wou d end on the other coast. I a so thought that the best surface for intercourse was stain ess stee # and I imagined a canopied ength of that materia # about si- to ten feet wide# being bui t the ength of the country. (his wou d suit having the gir s for each day take a position at e+ua y spaced distances between sites of the se- acts.

(he rest of the popu ation wou d migrate out of the country as the act proceded. $istory wou d be a tered. I a so did some figuring about how to order the gir s and what factors wou d be used to se ect them a # presuming I was the one to do the se ection. I might want them a to be .ust at the point of the onset of puberty at the time of se- act. Er I might want them to be of an age starting at puberty for the first gir and ending with a gir of some more mature age. >y own advancing age might be a factor in satisfying the gir s# or it might not# depending on whether I had earned enough about se- before starting out that I cou d guarantee satisfaction at any age of myse f. 2nother possib e se ection factor might be pu chritude# or beauty. (he idea of se ection of a uniform pu chritude wou d seem c ear y undesireab e. Better it be random. But better than random wou d be an order by beauty. But my own devices of order put strength in the idea I ca Batek Binary# in which a set of se+uentia numbers from one up to some number - is reordered with - taking the p ace of /ero in a number base system and a the other numbers taking their own p aces. 'o Batek Binary of a se+uence of gir s wou d have the beginning gir be the ma-imum of whatever the factor is# say beauty# the ne-t gir one# the ne-t gir two# and so on to -%1. (his way the beginning gir wou d get a va uab e esson in the se ection of a partner for se- act# seeing her beauty fo owed by a ong ine of gir s far ess beautifu and the mystery of what the rate of increase of beauty might mean on a gir by gir basis. I wou d have for myse f +uite a esson# and there wou d be a reward for being patient. (he Batek Binary idea cou d app y to age as we # or maybe both age and beauty. I cut out hundreds of photos of gir s from maga/ines I had and tried to put them a in order by beauty. (yra Banks was one of them. I got hers from a Jictoria9s 'ecret cata og I had used to order a ady9s ingerie for my use to have an orgasm. I discovered that the garment came in the mai without a ogo. 3ith this idea for a mu tipartner se- act# and after I had trashed everything I owned but a adies9 garment I had bought for my se-ua p easure# p aced in a sidebag# I wa ked out of my home into home essness once again# knowing however that I was sti number one in the 8hicago >afia. I had# in the days before eaving to become home ess# a thought that as first I might make it my work to begin a p an for 8hicago to engu f a territory surrounding it to the radius of Detroit. item%%0<?6 >y p an was to hitch to the ;ast 8oast where I had previous y had some success surviving in home essness. I wa ked first to 8offee 8hicago and had a cup of coffee there. 2 ready I was fi ing with a kind of unearth y dread of what was to come. 2 though I had confidence I was first# I knew that the tendency of the >afia not to intervene in my ife# as far as I ever noticed# was we estb ished. >y we % being was up to me to protect. item%%0"B" >y first ma.or move was to get on a bus on Bawrence 2venue going 3est. I got off at some ma.or e-pressway and there I hitched. 7o one picked me up for a ong time. (hen a highway department tow truck picked me up.

item%%?<!; ;ventua y I got to Indiana. I wa ked across some e-pressways fee ing ike my every second was eading me into perdition. In Indiana I stood at a gas station and hitched. 2 station wagon stopped at the gas station and its driver ta ked to me. $e asked to see my s ides when I to d him I was an artist. Booking at the s ides he began to cry and said to me never to forget our conversation. $e said he ived on a farm. I had the fee ing he was gay. 2t another spot I went into a sandwich shop and bought a soda or something and sat down. I went to take a Buspar but spi ed the who e bott e a over the f oor and didn9t bother to pick them up. item%%012< I got to an e-pressway service station where I stayed for a coup e of days. In the restaurant there I sat and had a coup e of conversations with customers. I said I wanted to buy a supercomputer so I cou d design an atomic bomb and b ow up some 7egroes. I was very ungrounded in my fee ings about b acks. (he rest station peop e et me s eep for a few hours in a ocker room. item%%18B0 I eft the rest station and started hitching and got a ride with a Derman fe ow from 8anada# to which he was returning. $e was driving a ate mode sedan and I fe t comforted by the u-ury but not changed in my forebodings of tragedy. I to d my ride I was thinking of having se- with a ot of gir friends but despaired of having a p ace to do it. $e said that peop e wou d be ok with my having a bui ding .ust for me and my gir s# and me inviting now one now another to have se- with. $e et me out in Detroit and continued on to (oronto. item%%0"08 In Detroit I was on the e-pressway so I got onto a feeder road and started wa king. It was a miserab e situation. I tried to hitch into 8anada standing on 8anadian property and a po ice s+uad bu horned that I needed to eave 8anadian <edera property. 'o I wa ked back to the :.'. side. I decided to stay in Detroit. item%%<00? 3a king a ong a highway feeder road it continued to grind into my sou . I thought about Ji ;ngher# who had moved from D en ; yn to >ichigan. I wondered if she was nearby. 7ot ike y. item%%<?!6 I went onto an e-pressway and started hitching. It was the midd e of the night. 'uddent y a young man# short and white# appeared right behind me. I ooked at him and there was another man# ta and b ack# standing a bit aways. (he c oser man started ta king to me acting friend y and I ta ked with him not knowing what to e-pect. 3hen he got aggressive and I didn9t respond he ca ed back to his friend# 0Don9t use the gun.0 (here probab y was no gun and he wanted to scare me since he was having troub e doing that. $e asked me if I had any money and started reaching into my pockets where he pu ed out some change that went a over the ground and into his hands. I continued

to resist and he punched me in the face# drawing b ood that went a over my .acket. I then grabbed him and started wrest ing with him# the two of us fa ing onto the ground. $e then decided to f ee# but grabbed my bag that was on the ground in doing so. (he two of them ran off. I wa ked back to the Detroit streets and a big truck came up. I tried to b ock its path to get them to stop but they didn9t. I asked some passersby to ca the po ice. 'hort y a s+uad came by and I got in. I to d them about my fight. (hey said they wou d take me to an emergency ward. En the way I to d them that I had adies9 c othes in the bag they took. I went into a defense of cross dressing and they asked me if we were done ta king now so I shut up. item%%03B? 2t the emergency ward they gave me a few stitches in my forehead and et me s eep unti morning. In the morning I started wa king toward Detroit. It was severa mi es away. I fe t an ambiva ent dread p us hopefu ness from the sense of popu ation. I stopped at a convenience store and tried ca ing my father co ect to ask him to send me some money. 3hen he was asked if he accepted the ca he sneered# 07oI0 Ence I got to Detroit it was night and it was snowing. I wa ked past some white imousines at a convention center where some event must have been occurring. Ene of the bui dings I saw was covered with inscriptions. =ight be ow it I passed five po ice officers standing on the sidewa k and as I swept by one of them I put my hand out to address his service revo ver in its ho ster. I fina y stopped wa king on a street and stood ho ding onto a street po e for a ong time. >y feet began to get numb so I eft and went into a bar. I had about fifty cents in change. 2t the bar they gave me a free cup of soup and et me sit down but after a minute they asked me to take my soup and move on. I stood outside a storefront with my soup for a ong time then ta ked to some po ice who asked me to wait for a whi e. (hen they took me to the po ice station. I sat on a bench for a whi e and then they took me to a ho ding she ter with a ot of disp aced men. I s ept on the f oor that night. In the morning I rea i/ed my feet were in bad shape# probab y frostbitten# so the po ice took me to the main Detroit hospita . I sat in a bed waiting to be seen for a ong time. (hey brought in another man who must have been in a fight and was a beaten up and b oody. I wanted to e-press my fee ing I was going to be a right so I said so everyone cou d hear# 0no code. no code.0 (hey banddaged my feet# put me in shoe s ippers# and gave me a cane. I asked if they cou d find me somep ace to stay and they said they wou d. <or a few days I stayed in another po ice ho ding she ter. It was arge and packed. (here was one guy there who ooked ike an aborigine. $e acted rea y wi d and tried to take my cane. (he nai s of my two arge toes came off. I removed my dressing and rep aced it to keep it as fresh y packed as I cou d. (hey took me back to the hospita for a ook at my feet and then they took me to a she ter# ocated at the =ooseve t $ote .

item%%2"?? (he nai s of my two arge toes came back in but because of the fungi that ive everywhere they came back in both deformed. >y body9s integrity has been permanent y reduced because of this. item%%D2?" ;ar y in 1""6 I began a si-%month stay at a she ter operating out of an o d hote in Detroit# (he =ooseve t. (he rooms were doub es. (here was a front obby# a arge side obby used for meetings and mea s# and an office comp e- on the first f oor. It was about four stories in a . item%%5;0" (here were re+uired work detai s at =ooseve t. I did some sweeping and a so some picking up debris around the bui ding# sweeping in front of the bui ding# and c eaning the ha s in the upper f oors. Ene of the ranking residents# with a specia apartment# taught me to sweep in sma thrusts# so that no dust was raised. 2n ear y roommate was a young b ack fe ow who was friend y. $e ta ked about the 0hood0 and I motioned as if I was putting my hood on# as if I was a frocked initiate. $e gave me his boots. 2 resident I passed in the ha way gave me a nice trenchcoat. I considered it my denotation as genera . >y most interesting roommate was a white man my age. $e showed me around that part of the city. I9 give him random initia s of B3>. B3> had been in the service and spoke high y of his e-perience. $e had been in a tight%knit unit and they had stayed in touch. (hey had an orgy once# with a of them having se- partners in the same room. B3> commented once to me that I cou d be e-treme y bothersome. I rep ied that I cou d be either his best friend or his worst enemy# the choice was up to him. I e-pressed a desire to work and B3> said I needed a socia security card. I said it wou dn9t be enough and he disaagreed. I tried to get a state id but they were e-treme y difficu t with me and I fai ed. B3> to d me where the 'ocia 'ecurity office was and I went and re+uested a copy. It arrived short y after. I went to work with severa men from =ooseve t at a p ant that recyc ed bott es. It was some kind of he in there# dark# industria # and stinking of a coho . I shove ed beer bott es into bins from the f oor and on a nonfunctioning conveyor be t. 'ome of the workers drank from the bott es. It wasn9t hard work# but very margina conditions. I used my pay to buy snacks at the grocery store around the corner from =ooseve t# which cashed my check for me. I didn9t get a ot of hours in# .ust a day or so. item%%41!< (here was a she ter guest friend of mine who was a carpenter. $e did some work for the she ter in an ad.acent bui ding and he paid me to he p him. I to d him I was first of 8hicago. $e and I sat on a bus bench outside the hote and he e-pressed disappointment in ove. I encouraged

him and spoke with what seemed ike more e-perience. 3orking with a hammer with him I hit the nai with great force and he noticced and took it up that way himse f. I used good sense deciding when to work and what to do when not being to d what to do. I kept my inertia reference system that way and was a ways ab e to provide astute assistance to him. item%%1!53 Ene of the staff at =ooseve t gave me a used te evision that p ayed on y one station. item%%"8<" I offerred to give a c ass to the staff on deve opment. (hey were interested. (hey gave me p enty of notebooks to prepare for it. It never happened. I prepared a test of ogistics ski instead. 7o one wou d have understood it. I imagined starting out# using my hands to impress a c ass with the significance of point% ike ogistics. I used the notebooks they had given me to write my own notes. I wrote the secrets of po ygamy. (he first one was the number of secrets that there were. I didn9t write that one down as I added more and more secrets. I wrote on each sheet a figure of random marks and organi/ed them according to the marks. (here were about 100 pages. I took the opportunity to write si- more characters to add to the ten I a ready had from 7ew $aven. (hus I was now ab e to use base si-teen without the mongre i/ation of base ten p us 2 through <# ca ed he-adecima . item%%3518 B3> took me to a coup e of soup kitchens in churches. In one of them I met a nice ooking church ady. item%%650? I used the Detroit &ub ic Bibrary a ot. I used three branches) one ;ast of the $ote # one in downtown# and the centra branch 7orth of town. (here was a b ond gir who worked in the first of these whom I iked. 'he was transferred to the downtown branch. I to d her I was fee ing ike I needed to admit I was interested in cross%dressing and asked for her he p. 'he said she needed officia approva . (he ne-t day she said she wou d be ab e to he p but on y in a professiona ro e. I never fo owed up with her. item%%<613 I sat down at a computer one day in the downtown ibrary branch and tried to og on. It re+uired a password so I tried three spaces and it worked. (hen the ibrarians found me using the computer and raised a ruckus. Ene of them asked me how I got on and I to d her. 'he was rea y confused by my success. item%%8B33 I bought a digita watch. I used it to annotate my notes with times.

item%%?B!" (here were a coup e of mea s that were specia y cooked and were served by a foursome of students from the :niversity of >ichigan. I to d one of them I wanted to make !0 bi ion do ars and have !0 wives and give each a bi ion do ars. 'he was interested# but when I suggested the students take me to see their campus the other gir +uashed it. (heir food was rea good though. 1""6 04 13 1 04 05 04 segment 6?00 1""6 11 15 0 06 0" 36

item%%12<? $a f%way through the year 1""6 the she ter at the =ooseve t $ote in Detroit# >I# where I had stayed since soon after I arrived in the Detroit area# informed me my entit ement to stay there had run out. (his caused me some an-iety# for it withdrew my comfortab e stasis. In any case# I had no choice. <ood and she ter were again a prob em. I went to the Detroit =iver. It seemed to be popu ated great y for some reason and I rea i/ed it was the <ourth of Ju y. I sat on a grassy strip outside the riverbank area# beside a street# and began to rea y fee unsett ed and in unknown e-treme danger. I didn9t even notice the fireworks. I tried to take a bus to the 8anadian side of the river# through a tunne # but for some reason they wou dn9t et me get on. I must have had the money# because that wasn9t the reason. 'o I dropped the idea of going to 8anada# an idea sort of simi ar to suicide it invoved so many unknowns. 2fter some time wa king about I found a sma park in the city that seemed both sedate and c ean# and I began to spend some time there in ieu of having anything e se I cou d do. I went through some rain there and tried to keep under my sma amount of cover. (hen one night# ate# there appeared three young persons# two guys and a gir # and they were engaging in casua conversation at another side of the park. I thought# gee# if I cou d on y strike up a conversation with them# they might he p me out# and it wou dn9t take much to turn the tide of fate given how ow I was on that sca e. 'o I girded myse f for the biggest private operation I had ever taken part in. I direct y inserted myse f into a private conversation on comp ete y i egitimate grounds# given that I had such a great need for a practica conse+uence# by wa king right up and scramb ing for words of introduction. (he operation was a success. >y words were taken in responsive y and we began an informa conversation# covering the basics of our reasons for being there# theirs and mine. (hen I hit big success. $earing that I needed she ter# they said that I wou d fare much better out by =oya Eak# a Detroit suburb# where they knew there were some rea y good she ters. Besides that# one of the guys offerred to et me borrow a ten%speed bicyc e of his for the trip to =oya Eak. 7o hitchhiking# and more than that# now I was in my own e ement# being an e-perienced cyc ist with two 1?00 mi e so o trips under my be t. (he gir and this guy offerring his bike# by the way# were 8anadian. (he gir a so gave me the name of her p ace of emp oyment in =oya Eak and said I shou d drop in and see her when I got there.

(hen the guy and I arranged a time the ne-t day for me to see the bike and try it out. (hat went we . I bombed around Detroit a bit and then returned to the guy waiting in the park. $e gave me his phone number to ca when I got to =oya Eak so we cou d arrange for him to meet me and pick up the bike. I said my thank you9s and started my trip. item%%!5B8 In =oya Eak# >I# I p ace a egend on the street in the midd e of the night# addressed to a street ight where I figured there might be a po ice camera. item%%0<;4 I sit in a =oya Eak park on a picnic tab e bench and .ust as a po ice car drives up I sudden y fa as eep and fa onto the ground. (he po ice +uestion me and te me to eave. item%%;3D1 I stop in at the shop where one of my benefactors worked in =oya Eak but she is not in. I eave a message. item%%3B"? I stage a co apse with my bike to attract he p. 2 woman ca s "11 on her ce phone and an ambu ance arrives. I give her my .ourna and point out the phone number of the guy who oaned me his bicyc e and ask her to ca him and get his bike back to him. (he ambu ance takes me away. (hey put me up at a psychiatric she ter system. (he mea s are e-ce ent. I meet a gir . (he she ter takes me to an is and where we meet some peop e inc uding a woman missing a tooth who is returning to 8anada. (hey take my picture with her# surrounded by geese. It was an opportunity to eave the :.'. for 8anada but I decide to stay in the :.'. (he she ter driver takes me to a store where I ask for work. 3hen the owner sees my app ication he asks me pointed y if Batek was my name and I say yes. $e9s a big bruiser kind of guy. $e te s me to stand by check%out and say thank you and goodbye to the peop e checking out. I do so. (he she ter te s me they can9t afford to cart me to a .ob. (he she ter e.ects me. item%%552" I register at a =oya Eak home ess she ter despite an attempt by an administrator to nai me. (hey cart us out to out ying churches and the food is e-ce ent. I am to d I have not been ooking for work and am terminated. (he woman who te s me this is from 'anta 8ru/# 82. I have been going to her church# the Baptist one. item%%8D5? Ene church I go to in =oya Eak is Baptist. (hey invite me to attend a meeting where they provide bage s and cream cheese. I f irt with a ta gir # going into a spin# sitting beside her# and c osing my eyes. I comment about (heosophy. (he church is hiring a new minister and I ask if I can submit an app ication for it and they say yes. I begin preparing a curricu um vitae at the pub ic ibrary on the chi dren9s computer. I never comp ete the c.v. as I am to d by the ibrary I am not supposed to use the computer. item%%818?

2nother church I attend in =oya Eak is >ethodist. (hey give me a itt e work sweeping a ha and pay me. 2 woman brings in some c othes for me in her car. 2 man gives me five do ars. I attend a arge meeting where everyone sits at circu ar tab es and they serve coffee and cookies. (he minister does an internet search for >onica Aramer for me. >onica bought a copy of my book# Assem le a !roup of the "ight Writers4 when we were students at II(. (he search fai s. item%%!522 I use the pub ic ibrary in =oya Eak. (hey have internet access and I e-periment with it. I co ect reference works into two stacks at some distance and study them. I write a manifesto about courting young gir s in their homes and eave it out for anyone to read. (he ibrary raff es off a wristwatch. (hey host a concert by a student of piano. I in+uire about taking essons from her teacher. Ene of the ibrary workers wears white stockings and I comp iment her on them. I use the ibrary restroom to wash my body. I s eep at night by the ibrary door and a young man who I think is an undercover po iceman gives me a nice b anket tu use. I eave the b anket under the bushes every day and it9s a ways there at night for me. item%%<25< 2 man gives me a nice .acket when I am sitting on a street bench in =oya Eak. It is made in 8/echos ovakia. item%%<B!8 2 woman stops to give me G!. I te her I9 remember her face forever. 'he takes back the ! and gives me a twenty and te s me pointed y to get a DEED >;2B. I go to 3endy9s hamburgers and have a feast. item%%1;D8 2 man comes by the ibrary door at night when I am going to s eep and gives me a warm .acket. item%%445B I take a ong wa k down a highway in =oya Eak and find a cha ked message on the sidewa k saying# 02re you safeF0 I pause and take it to mean 0Do you have birth contro F0. I9m not sure who it9s referring to. item%%D4<0 ;ar y in the morning I take a ong wa k down a =oya Eak street. I stop in an open doorway. 2 man comes to the door and gives me a cup of coffee.

item%%!1?3 I keep warm one night by standing in the =oya Eak post office. 2 po icewoman finds me and te s me to eave. I return another night and she finds me again and te s me to eave again. item%%8432 (here9s a sma crowd of teenagers downtown. 'ome of them are p aying soccer catch with a bean bag. I buy one of them some beer with his cash and he gives me a tip so I can buy a notebook. 2 gir reads my notebook on the sub.ect of chess. I ca myse f an incipient chessmaster. 'he te s me about a cafe in town where peop e hang out to p ay chess. I go and engage in a game with someone. I use my king in a so o attack at the beginning of the game and scare my opponent# but he wins.

item%%12<5 I am taken to a she ter in &ontiac. It is ike a home. (hey have an 22 meeting in the basement. (hey te me I have to get a .ob and I wa k the streets of &ontiac ooking for one. (hey transfer me to a different she ter where we go on a ong wa k. 2t a meeting they te me I haven9t found a .ob and am terminated. item%%"6!3 2t &ontiac I enro at a home ess she ter run by a church with a radio ministry. &rincess Diana is ki ed. I comment that she was a beautifu woman. I p ay the piano before singing group for the she ter guests. (he she ter ca s my brother to get him to fa- my birth certificate to them. I am attracted to a woman guest who is there with her daughter. I see her outside the she ter and we p ay on a swing. item%%!B;5 I get a .ob at an 2rby9s restaurant. 2s I am picking up debris on the grounds a mi itary .et streaks by. 3aiting for the p ace to open I do fo k dance routines. I cut my finger c eaning the toi et and ask for a bandage but the owner won9t give me one. I +uit the .ob over it as I fe t there was a danger of infection. item%%633" (he &ontiac home ess she ter re+uires that I go to a psychiatric outpatient c inic in &ontiac. (hey do an assessment. (hey ask me for the names of three ce ebrities. Ene of them I give is 8 audia 'chiffer. item%%<6D< I pass some time at the pub ic ibrary in &ontiac. (hey have a tarantu a spider in a terrarium. It sits there forever unti I issue a menta command and it moves. item%%;6"! 2 car goes through a red ight in &ontiac. item%%3862 I go on a ong wa k away from &ontiac and stage a co apse. 'omeone ca s the po ice on their ce phone and the po ice come and take me to a gas station where they buy me a super si/ed 8oke. item%%060< I see the Detroit Bions stadium in the distance on a wa k. item%%B286 I fa in with a guy who has a itt e to drink and gets us both e.ected from the &ontiac she ter. $e takes me to =oya Eak on a handfu of sma change. item%%2?"B I get back to &ontiac but eave again. I wa k a the way to =oya Eak. I stop in at a church where they are running a f ea sa e. (hey et me use the phone. I stop in at a prep schoo . (hey et me te ephone ;ero 'aarinen9s architecture office seeking emp oyment. 7one avai ab e. item%%B5D4 En a wa k between &ontiac and =oya Eak I drop to the sidewa k with itching in my groin. It9s

persistent and I scratch and scratch. (he po ice arrive and take me to Beaumont $ospita where they say I have scabies. (hey give me a prescription# which I can9t fi because I am penni ess# and re ease me. 2 man gives me a coup e do ars for the bus to =oya Eak. I sit near a highway# with ots of traffic inching by# and scratch for an hour. (he po ice come and te me to eave. item%%014! I fa onto the sidewa k one night and a po iceman comes and pumps his baton into my gut and te s me to eave. 1""6 11 15 0 06 0" 36 segment 6"00 1""? 05 20 1 10 13 0"

item%%D052 2t the end of 7ovember# 1""6# I was given a bus ticket# or rather it was he d for me because I suppose they thought I might se it ,maybe they knew I had bought beer for a minor in =oya Eak for a coup e of bucks each time so I cou d buy notebooks*# by 't. &au Butheran 8hurch of =oya Eak# back to 8hicago. It was snowing pretty bad by then and I was s eeping in a post at the bus station at night. (he hour of the bus9s departure came# I showed up at the bus# and there was the church officia with the ticket# which he gave to me when I got to the head of the ine and I immediate y gave it to the bus driver. I made one connection in Detroit and another in Indiana somewhere# the ne-t bus of which I missed so I had to sit in the station for severa hours before catching the ne-t bus# which took me to 8hicago. I en.oyed the bus. It was my first we %appointed surroundings# such as they were# since eaving 8hicago to begin with# if you don9t count sitting in a nice chair in the <irst Baptist 8hurch of =oya Eak. I ike a forms of paid trave . item%%?BD? Back in 8hicago I went home ess for a coup e weeks. >y first effort# the night I arrived in the city# was to visit my on y non Bryn >awr 8are ac+uaintence# $arro d $ayden and to ask to spend the night on his couch. $e a owed it# but in the morning he took me to a menta hea th organi/ation that got me a spot in a she ter for a few nights. (hey had a hot dinner# tried to prose iti/e us# and the s eeping +uarters were on the f oor in a arge room. I got terminated because I wou dn9t enter the day program. item%%?84" I went to the 8hinese consu ate in 8hicago to in+uire about emigration. (hey et me make a phone ca to somewhere about it but without a .ob ined up there was no way to do it. En the street afterward I met an 2sian fe ow and we had a friend y conversation. $e was a student at the >oody Bib e Institute nearby. I invited him to visit me at the ;piscopa 8hurch of the 2tonement. It never happened. item%%6;46 I happened to stop at Bryn >awr 8are and I met a new resident named 2 an Berberic. I didn9t know he was gay. $e suggested I move back into the nursing home. I in+uired and they said ok. 3hy I didn9t do this when I ost my Intramark .ob in the first p ace# and thus avoid home essness in Detroit for a year# is .ust a matter of chance thought. I had to enter the nursing home from a menta hospita so I had to go to a menta hospita first. ;ntrance cou d on y be arranged the ne-t day so a night I had to sta . I wa ked to II(# s ept there for a few hours in 8rown $a 9s basement# and wa ked back the ne-t morning. (he ambu ance drivers ta ked with me and I to d them I had been chosen first of 08hicago9s tough crowd0. (hey du y took me first to

8hicago =ead# a rather average menta hospita # and for some reason I wasn9t admitted. (hen they took me to =ock 8reek# which was a brand new hospita in award winning architecture. =ock 8reek was e-c usive and comfortab e. (hey had mea s de ivered from restaurants. (here was a huge kitchen for patients9 use and ots of food stocked. I had a sing e bedroom. I went to a group therapy session with a few peop e and at one point I commented I thought not much of peop e9s tendency to react to f atu ence with a modified form of capita punishment. I viewed it as unavoidab e. 2 b ack patient arrived and he said to me he was a member of a gang and he gave me a do ar bi on which he wrote his phone number for me to ca if I ever needed his he p. In an interview with a doctor I said in answer to a +uestion that I had a desire to fight other races. (hen they put me on Lypre-a and sent me to 8hicago =ead where I stayed for about a month. I got out on the day before my birthday# my birthday being January ?. <rom =ead I was admitted again at Bryn >awr 8are. Lypre-a proved to be an idea medication for me%%no s eepiness but good contro of symptoms. I am indebted to the fe ows who operated the rescue vehic e and got me admitted to =ock 8reek where I got the premium care from the doctor who prescribed Lypre-a for me. 1""? 05 20 1 10 13 0" 1""" 01 23 1 01 15 41 segment ?000 segment ?100 1""" 01 23 1 01 15 41 1""" 0? 2? 0 04 20 14

item%%2224 >y father# Aenneth James Batek# died on >ay 10# 1"""# of a heart attack. It was his second. I received about G3000 in his wi . $is refusa to pay the fu amount re+uested of him from Ca e for my co ege education had resu ted in me having to put up an additiona G2?00 of my own for co ege at Ca e. I be ieve it was this hardship that caused me to f ake out at Ca e and beyond and to become menta y i in 1"64. If I am correct then my father9s keeping the amount to himse f unti he died was the way in which my fate was engineered by eco ogica effects. It wasn9t unti about 200? that I fina y got my finances under contro and began to get out from under my ancestors9 financia constraints# not in ac+uiring a ot of money but in knowing how much money I wou d have before I had it on a month y basis. 1""" 0? 2? 0 04 20 14 segment ?200 2000 04 01 1 06 23 45

@@item%%BD2! 1""" 0" to 2003 03 >y father having died in 1"""# eaving me with something ike G2000# I bought a (oshiba aptop computer and a printer. Ene of my first pro.ects with this computer was to write poetry# which I had started to write a few months ear ier on paper. Between about Ectober 1""" and about >arch 2003 I wrote 1221 poems# which is about a poem a day for 3 112 years. (hey are co ected with an inde- on one 8D# in rich te-t format. I divide them into genera poems and specia topics# of which there are si-) chi dhood# computers# death# re igion# romance# and the ake ,Bake >ichigan*.

sub%item%%2<10 2nother use I made of the computer was to make en arged prints of photos as a business. >y customers were a emp oyees at my nursing home# Bryn >awr 8are. I bought a scanner. (he business proved more troub e than it was worth and I ended it. 2000 04 01 1 06 23 45 2000 11 04 0 10 26 1" segment ?300 segment ?400 2000 11 04 0 10 26 1" 2001 05 0" 0 01 30 !1

item%%B058 Ene day I was wa king by Dunkin Donuts on Bryn >awr near the =ed Bine ; station and saw a friend of mine sitting there ta king to someone. I went in to say he o and this friend introduced me to the person with him. $er name was Bunny Bickerman# short for Bonita. 'he was a itt e o der than me and was very g amorous and pretty# though a bit arge. 'he had once worked at Bryn >awr 8are# it turned out# as a 872. I started going out with her. Bunny a so had worked as a Das ight Dir # which she e-p ained to me was simi ar to a & ayboy bunny in a & ayboy 8 ub. 'he had been married a coup e of times# worked a number of .obs# and was used to having some money. 'he covered the e-pense of a our dates. (hese dates were a in the manner of coffee or a mea at a restaurant. 'he took me to her former 8hicago neighborhood and showed me arouond# inc uding the bui ding where she had ived. 3e were good company for each other. 3e went into >arsha <ie ds downtown one day. 'he said she had worked there in the make%up department and that9s where we stopped and she tried on some make%up with the he p of a sa es ady. I was struck by the ease by which someone cou d wa k in and get made up without any pressure to buy something. Bunny was a veteran. Bunny and I got engaged. 3e had se- three times in her apartment# which was in the Bryn >awr at !!!0 7. Aenmore. 'he was in the midd e of being moved out so they cou d renovate and it seemed a mess. I didn9t ike the sme of her cat9s itter bo-. Bunny was Jewish and we visited a 'ynagogue and I said I wou d convert to Judaism for her. 'he described the incident at Bryn >awr 8are that got her fired. 'he was in a tight situation and she screamed at the top of her voice at a resident. (hat did it. 3e did a marriage counse ing session with a couse or she knew. Bunny said I was .ust what she was ooking for. I heard in that an imba ance of benefits and decided to back out of the engagement. I said so# and Bunny didn9t know what to think. Bater# I to d her we cou d date but not get married. In actua ity# it was over. I am bothered by the fact that the timing of my e-it from the re ationship was .ust after she to d me her e-%husband had terminated his payments of a few hundred do ars a week. It made me unsteady and was not a good indication of my motives. item%%262"

2round this time I started to date Irma $owe # a resident at Bryn >awr 8are. 'he had been da ying with another guy and this interested me. $er primary attribute for me was her height# fair y ta . 'he was a bit dense# but very affab e. I took Irma to (edino9s for a mea a coup e times. 'he had sa ad and droo ed her dressing a over herse f. I was getting impatient with thngs in genera and Irma and I p anned to get married. 3a king back from (edino9s =estaurant# when we got to 8ata pa between 'heridan and Aenmore# and in front of the parking ot on the 7orth side of the street# a ady was in her car there# got out and was wa king around and saw us and commented nice y about 0the two of us0. 'he was very mature# probab y married# nice ooking and fair y we dressed# and it seemed she cou d te that I was dating down with Irma out of prevai ing circumstances and she wanted to indicate it was ok# it was something she was aware can happen. Irma and I had se- three times and each time she was as co d as a fish# ying motion ess and stiff in bed. It took some doing for me to get an erection and she urged me on with it. Irma and I took in a premarita counse ing session with Dordon Butcher# the minister at the ;dgewater &resbyterian 8hurch# and I saw the ack of sense in marrying her and used the issue of her smoking and my wanting her to +uit before marrying her to get out of the re ationship. 'he cried a bit and Dordon e-pressed his concern that this was something she needed to get contro of or it ooked ike the marriaage wou dn9t work out. 'he wasn9t ab e to see her way through to successfu y +uiting and that was the end of it. item%%<2?5 3hi e I was dating Irma and having occasion to enter her bedroom I noticed one of her three roommates 3endy Eff ying in bed# sometimes with her boyfriend# an o der fe ow named &at. It seemed to me 3endy was a ot more affectionate than Irma and I was thinking it wou d be nice to date her. 2fter things with Irma were over I was standing in the medication ine in the ha way behind 3endy and she and I started to f irt and augh. &at had been discharged from Bryn >awr 8are and was no onger a factor. ;ventua y 3endy and I went into my bedroom and continued to be comp ete y taken with each other. 'he cou dn9t ta k about it though and asked for a sheet of paper to write me a note. >y roommate 'ydney was in the room and she was embarrassed. 'he wrote asking me what my intentions were. I wrote back I wanted to have se- with her. 'he wrote more about that and I wrote more about that and it got rea y e-citing. 3hen my roommate eft the room we did have se-. (his was more to my iking. 3endy had had two husbands and one son and was not very savvy about re ationships. 'he hated to go outdoors and a ways wore concea ing c othing when she did. 'he came from a difficu t fami y. $er father had se- with her when she was young and 3endy said she was proud that her father oved her that way. ;ither her father had died or her parents had divorced. $er mother was a one and had a boyfriend. 3endy9s maiden name was 'pino. 3endy and I had a good physica and emotiona re ationship but we had nothing to ta k about that interested me e-cept se-. 3e were on again off again a number of times. 'he wanted to get married but

her mother had had 3endy9s fa opian tubes tied when she first became menta y i so that she cou dn9t have chi dren# and this was not acceptab e for me. I wanted kids to be possib e if I was going to get married. 3endy had a great capacity for se-. Ene evening without getting undressed I got her to have about fifteen orgasms# by her report. (hough it was +uite stressfu for me I en.oyed it very much. I took her to the gravesite of one of her grandfathers. It was difficu t to find it in the cemetary and she became hysterica . I did my best to ca m her down whi e a so ooking for the marker. ;ventua y I found it. 7ot doing so was a definite possibi ity# given her hysteria and its affects on my spatia orientation# and wou d have caused 3endy unimaginab e harm. During one of our off times 3endy started going out with another guy at Bryn >awr 8are named >ichae Irwin. I decided I wanted to have se- with 3endy sti and I went to the two of them in the dayroom and said I had something to say to 3endy. >ike ob.ected and we got into an argument. I said to him# 0you wi be civi .0 $e said I wasn9t his father. It was a very sharp argument but I succeeded in etting 3endy know I didn9t mind her going out with >ike and going out with me at the same time. 'ome days ater I got ca ed in to the case manager9s office for a private ta k and there was 3endy. 'he said she had been in the hospita and they thought she might have cancer and did a biopsy that they didn9t have the resu ts for yet. 'he started to cry profuse y. (he point turned out to be that she wanted to be friends again but not have se-. 3e wound up having se- again# and it turned out she had never been to the hospita # despite her story. (he c inica director# 8indy ; is# said she hadn9t been there. (his started a se+uence of a ternations between myse f and >ike for her. ;ventua y it .ust got to be too unstab e and I stopped having se- with her for good. I had done about si- penci drawings of 3endy and I asked >ike if he wanted a coup e of them. $e took two and I et him have them at no cost. 3endy was a good mode . 'he thought the work I did of her ref ected we on her. 2001 05 0" 0 01 30 !1 segment ?!00 2002 01 11 1 04 34 23

item%%?;62 During breakfast in the dining room of Bryn >awr 8are on 'eptember 11# 2001# our eating was interrupted by someone announcing that a .et air iner had crashed into the 3or d (rade 8enter in 7ew Cork# 7C. @@item%%6!33 2001 0" 11 0 to 2010 0! 02 0 11 23 !6 2s a kingpin of the 8hicago >afia it is my duty to dea effective y with situations ike "111 and its aftermath. Initia y I observed :.'. actions without comment. :pon the invasion of Ira+# the second one# I tried to assist by doing a itt e research on Is am and I determined that in my view the ma.or obstac e to success there was that the two principa >us im groups# the 'hiites and the 'unni# were in disarray over each other9s historic significance and present va idity. I considered that such disarray cou d on y cause the area to be a difficu t ob.ective of a c ear# order y# discip ined mi itary presence. I

wrote this view and hoped it wou d he p the effort. I a so suggested that there was much potentia in the approach offerred by our mi itary that they set up oca offices in popu ation centers and make a persona appea to the peop e# e-hibiting what we necessari y fe t were our strengths as a historica y successfu nation in the wor d# dea ing with a these tough re igious and cu tura issues# whi e at the same time getting the peop e9s cu ture right the way they wanted it to be seen by outsiders. It was difficu t in this genera position of mine to address the fact that there was a third ma.or Ira+i group# the Aurds# eft unaddressed by this re igious characteri/ation of the difficu ties. I thought about ways to make them a part of my approach# but fina y had to admit I didn9t have enough capacity for comprehension to inc ude them in my position# and simp y stopped giving that group much thought. I a so considered that maps cou d p ay a key ro e in an effective mi itary campaign. 3hi e there didn9t seem to be much attention payed to this by the media# I took the troub e to down oad a map of Ira+# ist its cities# and inde- the cities against a grid I inscribed on the map# so that I had my own +uick reference to news of the war for where it was occurring# in at east a genera way. I had become interested in maps as a freshman at Ca e. 'omeone introduced me to the :.'. Deo ogica 'urvey maps and I bought one of a arge area around 7ew $aven# where Ca e is ocated# and mounted it on the inside of the door to my bedroom# where it gave me much .oy to see a the grades and to picture in my mind what the and rea y was ike. I iked the varied terrain of the ;astern :.'. compared to the f at midwestern regions where I had grown up. I somehow discovered there was a department of the Ca e ibrary devoted to maps and spent some time there# perhaps in arge part because the young red%headed ady who worked there was very attractive. I be ieve her accent was Derman. 3e wi see what comes of Ira+. It does appear to have some e ements of a successfu outcome. (he ong%term# of course# is what we are rea y interested in# and for that we must wait. 2fghanistan# off to a good start and then become difficu t again# presents a different genera picture of the war on terror. >y studies show that it is important to discern that this area is historica y and anthropo ogica y +uite disctinct and poor y tied to the 8hinese territory. 'uch a distinction wi co or the p ace of the war there in the arger wor d situation# though how is hard to say and I am at a oss to point in any direction. &erhaps it wi be enough at this stage .ust to be a ert to this observation. I have rep aced on my wa the map of Ira+ with a simi ar y adapted one of 2fghanistan. ,note) a recent disruption resu ted in the map of 2fghanistan being removed.* It is a difficu t war# and not easy to keep one9s optimism about it through the ups and downs. But I am new at such affairs and re y on more e-perienced hands to keep things moving in our direction on something ike a favorab e schedu e. (here was some e-pression in my head of unhappiness with the degree of my warring abi ities and proc ivities# upon an occasion since "111# and in response I spent severa weeks at the pub ic ibrary studying an encyc opedia of war. I found it e-treme y fascinating and it increased my understanding of history in genera in a way I cou d not have e-pected# so I u timate y was g ad for the e-pression of unhappiness. It got me moving. 3hether the unhappiness is over is difficu t to assess. It is up to the powers that bear on me to continue their c ose watch on me. I va ue their position. En the other hand I stand by myse f. 2002 01 11 1 04 34 23 item%%8421 segment ?500 2002 0? 15 0 06 36 !5

2002 may have been the first year I served as a .udge of e ection in 8hicago. I was a =epub ican. Bater# in 200?# I became a Democrat. ; ection .udges are of a types and it took a ot of forebearance to accomodate everyone9s sty e. (he anarchy was overwhe ming since a .udges had the same authority and we were e-press y to d by the e ection board not to designate anyone over the others. It was a ot of work. $owever# knowing the importance of the service to the nation it was easy to muster the stamina for it. I had many surprises when .udges performed despite the enmities that bui t up. It eventua y became c ear we a had the same devotion to the right of everyone to vote. ;very e ection was preceded by a c ass he d by the e ection board. (hese were e-pert y ed in a cases. (he eaders disp ayed e-ceptiona ski handing peop e and speaking to a crowd of mi-ed aptitudes. 3e were paid for our time in c ass. 2002 0? 15 0 06 36 !5 2003 03 20 1 10 41 2? segment ?600 segment ??00 2003 03 20 1 10 41 2? 2003 10 23 1 01 4! 00

@@item%%6<B2 2003 03 to 2005 01 (his interva is about the time I operated my own website# I used >' &ub isher to create the site myse f. >y brother Dave had paid for my computer# a Dateway aptop. (he site was divided into four parts) photos# poetry# art# and an $&33' program. 'a es of a four was by &aypa . (he photos# avai ab e on a 8D# were shot by myse f of bui dings in my neighborhood of ;dgewater in 8hicago# 64! photos in a . (he poems# a so avai ab e on a 8D# numbered 1221 and had been written between ate 1""" and ear y 2003. (he art was what I now ca ;ng ish (ransformation 2rt. I encoded a word of my choice into my own binary code and converted the code into co ored s+uares to make an abstract artwork. I wou d have a fi e of the work printed at what was then Ainko9s and now <ed;- Effice and ship to the buyer by <ed;-. (he $&33' program# which I had written myse f# was ab e to shuff e numbers# up to 16! of them. 2n improved version of this program# ab e to shuff e up to 1?! numbers# is today avai ab e on for G!. :p oading updates to the site proved fraught with fai ure. It took a ong time and usua y it ended without succeeding in creating the update. I wou d ie in bed during the process and the nasty .ing e wou d come# informing me of the fai ure. >y internet connection was with (%>obi e and it was about ten ki obits per second. (he customer service was terrib e. (he on y sa e I made during the operation of was of three artworks# so d to my ong% time friend# Budina De bruck 'a aam. (his sa e a owed me to put the site away at a net ba ance of

about /ero. 2t the time I put it away it was getting about three hits a day# not enough to make it worth my whi e. 2003 10 23 1 01 4! 00 segment ?"00 2004 0! 26 0 04 4? 33

item%%<23! (here was a ta gir named &ame a $unt iving on my f oor at Bryn >awr 8are with whom I had had some engthy conversations. 'he turned out to have some very opinionated be iefs. (hen one day I heard her say to someone she was gay. 'ome number of days ater in an informa group meeting I mentioned to the group that this woman had said she was gay. 'he immediate y said that she had never said any such thing and she wasn9t gay. (his tipped me off to the insidiousness of gays. En a subse+uent occasion this gir and I got into an argument about re igion. 'he said she had a better re igion because it was much o der than mine. I guessed she was thinking I was protestant. 'he was =oman 8atho ic. I countered with the statement that on the contrary# my re igion was o der than hers%% (aoism is 1000 years o der. (he f oor case manager intruded at this time and tried to get us to reach a common midd e ground. $e was rather more destabi i/ing than stabi i/ing# but the argument ended. (he case manager ater resigned from his position and to d everyone it was nothing having to do with them. (he nervousness he e-hbited at this time# e evated from his a ready nervous conditon in genera # pointed toward his having deve oped a c inica y diagnosed emotiona disorder. $e had a master9s degree. 2fter this I took up a po icy of not speaking to anyone I know is gay. 2004 0! 26 0 04 4? 33 segment "000 2004 12 2" 1 06 !2 0!

item%%!D5; 2bout this time I was engaging in a .ourna . It got to be ten or so ?-10 inch ?0 sheet notebooks. Deep into it my psychiatrist determined that I didn9t need anymore to take Depakote# the medication I was taking for bipo ar i ness. >y depressive episodes had dropped to .ust about nothing and the eve s of Depakote in my b ood had increased# meaning that my body wasn9t metabo ising it because it didn9t need it. I attribute the end of my bipo ar i ness so e y to my .ourna ing# which aggressive y attacked my socia situation throughout my ife. 2t one point I rea i/ed I needed a two%toned .ourna . Ene in addition to the norma .ourna wou d be a og# because it took more contro # such as annotations of the date and time of entries. (his resu ted in the entrance into consideration of a more discip ined set of +uestions. : timate y# I attacked the very nature of the ;ng ish anguage# and found it imiting# so I abandoned the .ourna and threw a of them out. (hen# when I found I sti had issues to write about in something other than ;ng ish prose# I decided to cut up printer paper into eight sma sheets per page# and used that sma er format to write# discard# and reorder the sheets# giving me better contro over the entire work. I happened to read at that time that writing sma notes had been a popu ar trend among the <rench peop e at one time. item%%132;

2round this time I was given a roommate by the name of (im $owe. $e has an unacceptab e habit of ta king to himse f and putting in snide comments about me and my se- ife# which I have been unab e to keep him from seeing as my roommate# or hearing rather since we have drapes. <ina y I wrote down a manifesto which I read to him whenever he starts his unacceptab e behavior. I read it oud y and when he starts ye ing at me# which he a ways does# I ye the manifesto at him. 3hen I get to the end I start over. In every such case# he eventua y either eaves the room or stops ta king to himse f. I convinced the nursing home administrator that (im and I need to be given separate rooms. 8urrent y there is no space to do it# the administrator says# but as soon as there is he wi do it. It can9t be soon enough# as of this writing. item%%!D28 In the interva when I was writing the .ourna it so came about that my confining myse f to my desk most of the time and dea ing in thought rather than action evident y became an issue with my over ords. I was ying in bed thinking and my mind sett ed on a voice that said# 0I wish you were more war ike.0 In response# I went to the ibrary and started reading passages in an encyc opedia of war. (he work isted a the ma.or wars of history in a phabetica order. I rea y en.oyed it. I found that my picture of war had been very short%sighted. 3hether the over ords sti consider me unwar ike is not c ear# but what can be made of a voice ike that is unc ear a so. 2004 12 2" 1 06 !2 0! segment "100 200! 0? 03 0 10 !! 3?

item%%<14" Bryn >awr 8are he d and event where three gir s from the Joe Dray Dancers performed. I saw that they were not putting on strong performance faces so I took one up myse f# smi ing bright y and persistent y. Ene of them saw what I was doing and earned from it immediate y# putting on a bright smi e herse f. It was very outstanding. 2fter the performance I was wa king past the e-iting dancers and the most senior of the three said to me that she recogni/ed my smi e. I had some business to do on the ;B and continued my smi e there. 2nother passenger noticed me and said something to the other passengers about how someone had made it and beware if you don9t rea i/e it. (he ne-t day I had some business at the 'creen/ store at 8 ark and Diversey# took a bus# and smi ed. 3hen I was waiting for the bus to come back# standing on the sidewa k# I smi ed. 'udden y a parade of odd bicyc es appeared. (here were hundreds of these odd bikes of every description. I continued to smi e. 'udden y one of the cyc ists shouted out# 0I found the kingI0 'o evident y some peop e# rare but not uni+ue# know that there is something e-ceptiona about being ab e to smii e at ength in pub ic. (he ne-t day I carried my smi e into the service for the menta y i at ;dgewater &resbyterian 8hurch# corner of Bryn >awr and Aenmore. (he ady who runs the group saw me and reacted knowing y about

it. Ever the ne-t year she proved to be ab e to conceive of my socia abi ities and re ied on me for e-emp ary input to the group# which met week y. $er name was >a-ine Emara# a ay person. I ceased attending when I rea i/ed that as an atheist it was a waste of effort. ;verything they were doing was a g orification of Jesus# and I had no reverence for him. 200! 0? 03 0 10 !! 3? segment "200 2005 03 0? 0 01 !" 10

item%%182< :sing the webcam I bought for my computer I spent a 'aturday recording a ife memoir in nine parts# with a tota of three hours duration. I then burned it onto DJDs with a custom abe # about 20 copies. item%%860< I managed to up oad a my ife memoir videos to Doog e Jideo. 2005 03 0? 0 01 !" 10 segment "300 2005 10 10 1 0! 02 42

@@item%%1?B6 2005 0? 01 to 2005 11 3as the =epub ican candidate for I inois 'tate =epresentative in the 14t