Relationship Emergency Kit

Uncommon Wisdom for All Relationships

Dr. Chuck Spezzano © 2006
Original edited manuscript

To Kim Gordian for typing support. What a team! To Hollie Prior whose editing skills always make the books better. To Michael Ebeling for finding this book a proper home. To Susan Campbell, author of The Couple's Journey, for presenting the original idea of stages in relationship. To Christopher and J’aime Spezzano for your constant inspiration. To Lency Spezzano for your love and partnership along the path of life. What a partner, friend and cocreator! To A Course in Miracles for its guidance.

Table of Contents
Acknowledgments ................................................................................................................................ 2 Table of Contents................................................................................................................................. 2 Introduction......................................................................................................................................... 4 Chapter I Partnering Through the Stages of Relationships .................................................................... 6 Chapter 13 Ask For a Miracle ............................................................................................................ 13 Chapter 3 The Most Frequently Asked Question ................................................................................. 14 Chapter 4 Heal the Fear ................................................................................................................... 16 Chapter 5 Heaven’s Will For You is Total Happiness ........................................................................... 18 Chapter 6 Getting Rid of Guilt ........................................................................................................... 20 Chapter 7 Undoing Your Problem Through Grace ............................................................................... 24 Chapter 8 Loving Yourself................................................................................................................. 25 Chapter 9 Jealousy........................................................................................................................... 27 Chapter 10 Heartbreak ..................................................................................................................... 32 Chapter 11 Abusive Situations........................................................................................................... 35 Chapter 12 Listening Within .............................................................................................................. 38
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Chapter 13 Healing Addictions .......................................................................................................... 39 Chapter 14 The Trap of Specialness .................................................................................................. 45 Chapter 15 The Importance of Goals ................................................................................................. 48 Chapter 16 The End of the Romance and Shadowland........................................................................ 49 Chapter 17 Transcending Power Struggle .......................................................................................... 52 Chapter 18 Forgiveness .................................................................................................................... 58 Chapter 19 Joining Your Partner........................................................................................................ 61 Chapter 20 Emotions ........................................................................................................................ 63 Chapter 21 Hatred............................................................................................................................ 65 Chapter 22 The Need for Change ...................................................................................................... 68 Chapter 23 Any Bad Feeling You Have............................................................................................... 70 Chapter 24 The First Cut is the Deepest ............................................................................................ 74 Chapter 25 It’s All Equal ................................................................................................................... 77 Chapter 26 No Bad Guys................................................................................................................... 80 Chapter 27 The Power of Trust ......................................................................................................... 83 Chapter 28 This Problem is a Form of Self-Attack ............................................................................... 85 Chapter 29 How Does This Serve You? .............................................................................................. 88 Chapter 30 Further Explorations of the Subconscious ......................................................................... 90 Chapter 31 Taking Responsibility......................................................................................................101 Chapter 32 Healing Projection..........................................................................................................102 Chapter 33 Affairs ...........................................................................................................................104 Chapter 34 Commitment..................................................................................................................115 Chapter 35 Apology.........................................................................................................................118 Chapter 36 Giving to Your Partner....................................................................................................119 Chapter 37 Abortions, Stillbirths and Miscarriages .............................................................................121 Chapter 38 Dead Zone ....................................................................................................................124 Chapter 39 The Trap of Oedipus ......................................................................................................128 Chapter 40 Your Partner as Your Mirror ............................................................................................132 Chapter 41 Sex, Sexual Abuse and Incest, The Stages of Sex ............................................................134 Chapter 42 Competition...................................................................................................................141 Chapter 43 Appreciation ..................................................................................................................144 Chapter 44 Healing Ancestral Issues.................................................................................................145 Chapter 45 Curtain Call for Healing ..................................................................................................147 Chapter 46 Dark Stories...................................................................................................................149 Chapter 47 I'd Rather Be Happy.......................................................................................................150
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....... This naturally makes our relationships a spiritual path because of the joy available through love and healing. having happy relationships is the best and quickest way to living a fulfilled life............ The question is: Do you want to have a truly happy and successful relationship or do you simply want to pay lip-service to having a happy relationship? I have been a marriage and family counselor................................................................... When our relationships are troubled... we are probably using them to avoid our life purpose..... But relationships are meant to be a stairway to Heaven and they provide us with an accelerated path to get there...................159 Introduction Relationship is the central aspect of our lives....................Chapter 48 Healing Conspiracies ........... Every relationship has a purpose. leaving all of us in pain....... relationships fall far short of Heaven............ It Isn’t Love with Page 4 of 184 .............. Everything I have learnt through these stages I now use to help thousands of people all over the world transform their relationship problems........................... but it also makes it a prime target of the ego because of its ability to help us evolve quickly...... I began life in a happy enough family that eventually disintegrated........................................... I now have the perspective of thirty-five years in the healing field and I am regarded as a relationship expert in some of the countries where I teach...................................... Almost all of us have gone through trouble in relationships at times..... and it is inextricably bound up with the goal of living our purpose....... I eventually broke out of my dissociated independence to step up to partnership and marriage........ From there...... From that point............... I have been happily married for over twenty-one years.....................................158 Glossary ................... I know what it takes to heal relationship problems...... it was a short step for me into heartbreaking relationships.............................. I progressed to being dissociated and independent and became the one that everyone sought....................................156 Summary .... Yet................... I have conducted trainings in many cultures in over a dozen countries. A relationship is a continuum..............................................................154 Chapter 50 Healing the Authority Conflict .....153 Chapter 49 The Crossroads......... Princess Diana attributed my early book If It Hurts.......... For the most part....... I have been a relationship coach.... and the happiness and healing that come from relationships are the key aspects of our life purpose.................... It can be Heaven or it can be hell.......

The reason I am putting together the Relationship Emergency Kit is that I know it is something that would have saved me much time and pain over the years. This course of principles. love is spiritual. Chances are that if you learn the lessons necessary for success. lessons and exercises offers you principles of the mind. Because you chose the Relationship Emergency Kit. While principles of the mind and heart can have dramatic effects for emergencies. you either want to accelerate the healthy growth of your relationship or your relationship is in crisis. and I hope it is of use to you. Your learning curve will go as fast as you want it to. your partner and your relationship will transform for the better. it will! This is what I have seen. Relationships are central to our lives. The evolution of our love in relationships brings us ever more joy and natural spirituality. It takes into account what you think you want and what is going on in the most hidden parts of your mind. On the other hand. and all the fulfillment a relationship can bring. I wish you great success and miracles. The question is: Do you want your relationship to get better? This question is simple.getting her over her heartbreak with Prince Charles. nothing will stop you. it also employs spiritual principles. Learning the principles. but you want it to succeed with all your heart. I find principles of spirit to be the most efficient and effective tools in most relationship situations. being courageous with your emotions and allowing grace to help you are the keys for a quick turn around toward relationship success. but it is not naïve. I hope it does that for you. Page 5 of 184 . Do you want to learn what it takes to have a happy relationship? Are you willing to commit to do whatever it takes to be successful in your relationship? If you really want this. If you really do not want your relationship to get better. nothing will ever successfully take your relationship to the next level. This book not only uses emotional and relationship principles. But all the principles work hand in hand toward the goals of greater love and happiness. At the highest level. heart and spirit. If on the other hand your relationship has reached a disastrous stage. I know what makes a relationship work and what makes it fail. I have seen a number of people say they want to have a happy relationship but are not willing to learn or change for the better to accomplish this crucial goal.

They seem to be your missing piece. You have fallen in love with them. be of help to you as you go through this trying time. Any one chapter could do it. Once you know that your relationship will go through various ups. when you met your partner. You are energized for the stages that are to come. which is the result of thirty-five years of helping people out of suffering. you disowned many parts of yourself. the Power Struggle Stage. the more passion there will be. Chapter I Partnering Through the Stages of Relationships In this first chapter. all of the differences that contributed to the attraction between you become the issues of your fight. and have entered the Romance Stage. But it is up to you. beyond them. In the second stage of the relationship. downs. it is because you are attracted to that person. As the relationship goes on and your partner does not Page 6 of 184 . Even just some of the suggestions you will read here could completely transform your relationship. Then. I have written down in this book what I have learned to help you through this trying time. The love you give and the love you receive will sustain you and give your life meaning. Also included in this chapter are principles that make you successful in relationships. May this wisdom. This is a great and happy time in your relationship! You can see the potential of the relationship. your soul mate. The greater the differences and the more opposite you are. your partner and your relationship. ins and outs as it evolves. they seemed to embody all that you had lost – they were the part that completed you somehow. more good times await you. When you begin a relationship. Understanding Relationship Stages Love is what will save you. you will gain the strength and the awareness to Realise that you have the power to work through difficult times and that. May this and every problem dissolve easily for you. You have need of them and all they represent. When you were a child. your heart’s desire. Our relationships are our greatest treasures. It is a taste of Heaven on earth. I introduce the idea that relationships go through stages.This book is filled with answers and ways for you to completely transform yourself.

they become your nightmare. roles and relationship-family issues that have stopped your ability for authentic joining. As these are healed. You can do this emotionally. If you are not giving. While most of these issues are subconscious. This resolution allows you to take the next step in relationship that you were afraid of. too. This is the stage where you learn to handle your needs maturely. you review previous stages at deeper levels and enjoy honeymoons as you Page 7 of 184 . This leads to neediness. secondly. Your split-minds create conflicts within you and between you. though in every stage. honouring your differences while enjoying more wholeness and bonding. you will spend longer in the Dead Zone Stage. and sooner or later this becomes irresistible to your partner. so that. This means that how your partner acts and appears to you is not just about them but about you. If you have had a short Power Struggle Stage. Here you learn two of the most vital lessons of relationships: how to get past independence-dependence and. because you have a more compatible relationship. the more lessons you learn. The further you go in relationships. you reach the Partnership Stage. In some relationships. you begin to take from them.seem to be as forthcoming in supplying your need. that what you give is what will fulfil your needs. This is a wonderful stage. This path of healing will reap honeymoon after honeymoon. after the initial honeymoon in the Romance Stage. although often you will not be aware that you are doing this. instead of being your dreamboat. In the Power Struggle Stage. monetarily and in many other areas. The purpose of this book is to show you how to use relationships as a path of healing and happiness. attack or demand . you are not giving. you will dissociate. demands from the dependent one and the need to be in charge for the one who is independent and controls the relationship. This will give you the power to change your mind and help your partner. you will be defensive and righteous and so you will not appreciate what is given to you. a new way emerges that is the best of both of your ways. sexually. If you are fighting. With every step forward you become a better partner. you begin to project your shadows onto your partner. your lessons in relationship include building a bridge to your partner. This is the stage in which you heal all the defences. When you get past your Dead Zone Stage. there are always conscious healing tools that can be used to help you leap you forward.all of which work against you experiencing fulfilment and success in the relationship. integrating your personal differences and healing the conflicts inside both of you by healing your split-minds. Your partner naturally resists giving what they so freely gave before.

If you pass this stage.succeed. change accelerates. You and your relationship bring grace and miracles. As you become even more harmless. and you will inspire others with your relationship. In this way. These core aspects of your ego that separate you from love and greater success are now brought into the relationship for transformation. As you progress in consciousness. and the time between honeymoons becomes shorter. take advantage of it! Soon you will be dealing with the next issue. because you both have healed that much unconscious failure.Stage. In the Vision Stage of relationship you heal your soul-level fears and finally the great splits in your mind. This opens a gateway of transcendence that initiates you to higher levels of consciousness as you regain a more integrated and original mind. In the Vision Stage. Relationship Steps What people most often seem to underestimate is the amount of steps it takes to get to the Partnership Stage from the Romance Stage. your partner and the relationship itself will reach the Leadership – or Vision . You enjoy success within and outside your relationship. In the Dead Zone your honeymoon period may last only minutes before the next dark emotion or deadness comes up for healing. you have given up all attack. and so you extend an even greater influence of peace around you.” you will begin to delve into unconscious issues. There is a new sense of ease and intimacy and a feeling of being carefree. the next issue has already surfaced by morning. After every breakthrough you share there is a new honeymoon. you. after a magnificent joining or romantic night. Page 8 of 184 . you know that you and everyone deserve every good thing as children of God. After a season of enjoying a “golden summer. your partner and your relationship have become a living treasure on the earth. You live a creative life and experience the partnership of vision. Some people achieve mastery on their own and it is much more rare to achieve this stage as a couple. You will heal the self-consciousness. Your love bears fruit for your beloved and the whole earth. valuelessness and self-hatred. shame and self-torture of the ego that keeps you separate from your partner and others. If you reach the Mastery Stage. your relationship develops genius and high levels of creativity and giftedness. which helps you remember the original romance when you were so deeply in love with your partner. Do not be surprised when. So when romantic feelings come as the result of a breakthrough. Your relationship becomes a doorway for others to step through into a golden future. you have embraced your destinies as spirit. you Realise your individual purpose (what you are here to accomplish in your life) and the greater purpose for your relationship. You.

Over time. especially when there is a problem. Keep heading toward them. No matter what. and each problem offers another opportunity for greater bonding. 1. the orbit will eventually turn you back toward your partner for a new. your orbits will get smaller and shorter. At the outer end of the ellipse it is easy enough to become disinterested and break up. more prolonged romance period until the ellipse swings you out again. the only true direction for you to take is toward your partner. end the fight and bring on a new honeymoon. which my wife and I have discovered over the years in our work as marriage counselors. courageous and generous manner. the problems that come up in your relationship were with you long before you met your partner. The ‘Relationship Orbit’ You and your partner are on an elliptical orbit around the place in your relationship where you join your partner. Without your partner. Although they take a present guise. But if you are doing anything right at all. Either of you could have the right-mindedness to act in a true. there may be thousands of steps in your Power Struggle Stage and then only another thousand or so steps through the Dead Zone to get to the Partnership Stage. You can use the love in your relationship to surmount each of these problems. Problems will not withstand a new level of intimacy. you would never have had the courage to address many of these problems. you have a relatively short distance to go in Power Struggle and a much greater distance to go in the Dead Zone Stage. Whenever you are returned to your partner you will enjoy a honeymoon. No one wins in these situations. though one of you dominates. In a compatible relationship. coaches and trainers. Page 9 of 184 . raise the level of consciousness. Relationship Principles Here are some principles that help build partnership. unless you get caught in a trap. A fight that you persist in will result in a downward spiral of even bigger power plays that can end the relationship.If you are in a passionate relationship.

if you have gone beyond competition. When your partner is in trouble. If you can do something specific to help. When you put your relationship first. so you give your allegiance to it. there is more love and less ego. You could simply stop investing in beliefs about your weakness and invest in what you want to believe about yourself instead. There are three major reasons for weakness. They have to heal themselves. Your relationship. You could choose power and responsibility instead. The second is that you want to be weak because weakness is an ego strategy to get needs met. If you don’t. is a lost opportunity to build your relationship. you will blame. You could let go of your idols of weakness and all of your mistaken ego strategies and investments so that you can have what would really make you happy. have things your way or get revenge. Make your relationship your first priority. emotions. Your love can supply what is missing and reignite their own self-love. drink. An idol is something you mistakenly think will save you or make you happy. affairs. you build your career and your life. Take responsibility for your emotions and your experience. hide. every step you take toward your partner will give you a new step forward in success. This helps you maintain your relationship and your integrity. Every little indulgence. Never do anything that would hurt your partner. Page 10 of 184 . help them. There are many opportunities to build your relationship. attack and be victimised. The size of the indulgence is the size of the step forward to a new level of relatedness you could enjoy instead. 6. which are all expressions of your side of the power struggle. 4. complain. Since a relationship problem is at the root of all other problems.2. pornography. This always comes from a position of weakness. that is great. Also. drugs. overwork. never do or say anything that you would not do or say if your partner were in the room. 5. The first is that you believe you are weak. complaints or attack. fantasy. Your ego wants to distract and delay you because at each new level of intimacy. whether it is in food. but the most important thing is to love and support them. but your love can make all the difference. because any problem is simply a lack of self-love. The third is that you have made weakness into a false god. 3. will build your career. every time you build your relationship.

Taking responsibility for your emotions is a giant step. Because you do not feel worthy of anything you get through manipulation or control. I have found that emotional indulgence is one of the big temptations that women face. The extent to which you do not take the responsibility for your experience. Now is the time to commit to yourself and to emotional maturity. is the extent to which you are not acting in a mature fashion. This can be quite destructive to a relationship. she will take her place as the natural director of the relationship.An idol is a deep unconscious pattern used as part of our fight with God. The level of your emotional indulgence is typically equal to the level of your partner’s dissociation. and it naturally invites your partner to do the same. but you will definitely lose the war.whether through hurt. and you cannot make yourself happy. If you do not take responsibility for yourself. you put a heavy burden on your relationship and make the relationship all about you. you have to keep trying over and over again to get more and have your partner prove you are loveable. Page 11 of 184 . just as dissociation is one of the big temptations for men. and your demands will become taxing as a result. guilt or anger . If you lack maturity. If you use them to control . you cannot love yourself. eventually you will have to undergo those same may manipulate and win battles. Whenever you feel bad. Your willingness to be responsible can make all the difference in your relationship. but an Idol of Weakness could never make us happy. However. and if you do not help them through their pain. If a woman gives up her indulgence and weakness. Once you take responsibility for yourself and your emotions. Your partner is expressing feelings that you have buried in your subconscious. you experience a tendency to lash out at those around you and blame them for your experience. You can experience your emotions without using them as a weapon or as emotional blackmail. since your indulgent attempts to take push your partner away. you will expect your partner to love you. the next step in maturity and empowerment is to take responsibility for your partner’s emotions. and the relationship and both partners will grow and prosper as a result.

Even if they seem to be attacking you. value your feminine side. Do not personalise what your partner is doing or going through. you will. to the same extent. you will open your heart. Commit to equality with your partner. When you get courageous about feeling your emotions. which will transform the problem while still dealing with whatever pain from the past it triggered off in you. and it has the power of your first commitment to move you forward. be equal with your partner and bring your relationship to the Partnership Stage. it will allow you to concentrate on helping your partner. Fights and deadness in a relationship are a result of inequality. And as a result. breaking your heart or attempting to subjugate you. get courageous about feeling joy. If you hear their call for help. while still behaving maturely. Your commitment to equality will balance your relationship. balance your masculine and feminine energies. rejecting you. in order to move through it more quickly. It is not about you. Key Insights: Relationships go through 6 major stages: Romance Power Struggle Dead Zone Partnership Vision Page 12 of 184 . That is your interpretation of their motivation. These are just some of the key principles I have discovered for building a successful relationship. the pattern was established long before they met you. you will suffer all that much more and miss the call for help they are making through their behaviour. You can even exaggerate it. 8. which speaks more about your mind than theirs. simply feel it. It balances your relationship and increases the love between you. If you personalise it. They are not necessarily abandoning you. be able to receive more. Many more will be presented in the upcoming chapters. 7.When you get in touch with emotional pain.

You simply ask for a miracle. When you want to think of your problem. You can ask Heaven or your own higher mind to help in the letting go of your grievances. If you let go of your grievances. before a miracle occurs. It hides how frightened you are of change. you could not feel hurt. Grievances and guilt anchor you to the place you are stuck. you just want to be right and you would rather keep complaining than have a solution. your grievances will begin to fall away. When you wake up. The deeper these grievances are embedded in judgment and your own hidden guilt.- Mastery Each stage contains hundreds of steps. angry or victimised in any way. It does not matter whether you have any spiritual beliefs or not. Ask for a miracle every time you feel inclined to worry. guilty or hurt. Chapter 2 Ask For a Miracle This is a simple but powerful chapter on easy change in a relationship and what is necessary to clear the way for a miracle. By using the 8 key principles in this chapter you will be able to help your relationship to evolve more quickly and easily. Clearing the way for miracles: letting go of your grievances Sometimes. ask for a miracle. Do you want your grievances or do you want a miracle? As you continue to choose miracles. you need to let go of your grievances to purify your mind. What is it you really want? If you keep choosing grievances. you remain stuck in the problem. You simply ask for a miracle. When something reminds you of your partner or your relationship. Instead of feeling frightened. ask for a miracle. This righteousness again hides and compensates for guilt. ask for a miracle. Every breakthrough is followed by a ‘honeymoon’ stage. Do you want miracles or grievances? Your relationship depends on the answer to this question. Want a miracle with all your heart. When you go to bed. the longer it will take you to let go of them. ask for a miracle. Wouldn’t you rather have a miracle instead? If you are right. ask for a miracle instead. Your relationship is on an orbit – be patient and wait for it to turn round. Be Page 13 of 184 . Want a miracle with all your heart This is an easy principle.

Do you want the miracle or the grievance? One path leads to love. Choose miracles So you have a choice. Key Insight: To have miracles in your life. Ask as if your relationship depended on it. They will still be on the same team with you even if you never see them again. ask for a miracle. You may think you know all the facts. but pain speaks of misperception. Page 14 of 184 . Ask unceasingly. You are connected karmically.willing to be wrong and learn once again. This can be different for everyone. Even if your relationship ends. let go of your grievances. For your sake and the sake of everyone involved in your relationship. knowing that you deserve them. your ex-partner will remain on your network of energy. choose miracles and ask for them. Chapter 3 The Most Frequently Asked Question This chapter addresses the age-old question: when do you leave a relationship and when do you recommit to go forward? The most frequently asked question I have heard around the world is this: When is it time to call it quits? When is the relationship over? It’s in your hands The answer is that the relationship is over when you say it’s over. the other leads to pain and problems.

given inner and outer pressures. I suggest you pick out five numbers between four and fifty. You have probably already invested a lot of time and energy in this relationship. almost all relationships could have gone further had either of the partners known some key healing principles about relationships.So. it is a good idea to do so. in my experience. it will contain principles and exercise that can be of benefit. Even if a chapter does not seem to relate to you. the truth will become clearer to you. If you are in a desperate situation. you must either heal it immediately or it is neither wise nor helpful for you to stay in that relationship. first. Read these chapters in the book. some relationships are meant to go a lifetime and others are not. in the order in which they pop into your mind. Then. it is time to make the necessary changes. you can make a more informed choice. it can end on a happy note with feelings of friendship. if you are in the middle of a ‘relationship emergency’ and considering whether to end the relationship or not. commit to the truth. Should I stay or should I go? To find your answer to this question. Even if a relationship is not meant to go on forever. Then come back and begin on Chapter Four and systematically go through the book. As you progress through each chapter. Yet. Everything you heal is one less lesson you need to deal with in your next relationship. Ask for a Heaven-sent sign that is so clear that it is easily understandable for you as to whether it is best to stay or go. Want the answer and the peace that goes with it with all your heart. In an abusive situation. Let them help you. These principles have helped tens of thousands of people around the world in their relationships. I suggest you read through and give yourself to this book before you make your decision. There may be children. Unfinished business is carried on to your next relationship. But no matter what you decide. There is no need for any relationship to end in a fight In my experience. to the place where the answer is. People usually last in a relationship until they cannot go on any longer. Ask for the courage to go forward. Page 15 of 184 . If you can save your investment in this relationship in a healthy way. They do the best they can with what they know.

So what is it you are afraid of? You can guess or intuit the answer. What are you afraid of? Every problem hides fear. Now let yourself be shown the way. It is one of the root causes of all problems. simply let it go as a misperception. Somehow. Be a willing learner. which is always the best and easiest way or you can dwell on this question until you find both the answer and the fear that you have distanced yourself from. A common acronym for FEAR is: F – False Page 16 of 184 . Once you do this. this situation is a lesson you are called to learn. and you in your conscious mind and in your heart of hearts want to be happy. Whatever your fear is. What I have discovered is that all dark emotion is a misperception. Give up all blame as this only stops you learning the lesson and prevents you from making the change you are called to make within yourself. No relationship needs to end in a fight – if you are willing to heal your differences. Key Insights: When you are deciding whether or not to stay in your relationship: It’s your call – trust that the answers and wisdom to know the truth are inside you. Only when you find the fear can you let it go. Give your whole heart to listening within to your guidance. Blessed change will take place as a result. Know that there is a better way if you really want to find it. Naturally. That is why healing can happen because what is misperceived can be seen in a true way. it always has an object. Commit to the truth at every stage. a lot of your fear is dissociated because you could not stand to deal with it all at once. Heaven wants you to be happy.There is a better way if you really want it. Chapter 4 Heal the Fear This chapter explores how fear is at the root of all of your problems and presents different ways to heal your fear. you can part peacefully and remain friends.

11. Ask your higher mind to carry you back to that centre of peace within you. Forgive the situation. When this has been done for you. When your misperception evolves to higher perception. is a misperception. At each centre. You may go through a series of negative emotions. Centre yourself. 3. You can only experience fear when you are trying to live in the future. Bless everyone and the situation. This perception of a fearful future is fed by what was painful from the past. Forgive everyone involved. Remember who walks beside you. 10. It occurs only when you anticipate the future negatively. the root of all negative emotion. 6.E – Evidence A – Appearing R . like all negative emotions. You will know when this occurs because the problem will dissolve. as you proceed forward. Use love to melt away the fear. Let go of the past and your negative fantasy of the future. This speaks of an attachment. Invisible help is always present. including yourself. You cannot feel fear in the present moment. Feel the fear until it melts away. which. 7. which is always a key cause of any pain. Willingness heals fear. Let go of the attachment. 5. 1. 8. ask to be carried back to a higher and deeper centre. At the root of your fear. there is a fear of loss. Be willing to learn and willing to change. you will move through them more quickly and reach positive feelings and peace. 9. 2. also. Remember and feel all the love that anyone has ever had for you. Experience only the here and now. Love is the opposite of fear. Page 17 of 184 . you will be free of the fear. Getting through your fear Here are a few ways to dissipate fear. Apply it to your fear. Come back to the present. 4. Repeat this twelve more times.Real There are many ways to heal your fear. Bless instead of judge. relax and look at how the situation appears as you reach everdeeper stages of peace. Put your future in Heaven’s hands. But if you exaggerate them as you experience them.

Each of these exercises is tried and true and has brought positive results for many people. What proceeds from Perfect Love can only be love. Anything like that must have been your own mistaken idea. a fear of yourself. fear of intimacy and fear of success. such as fear of the next step. Take the next step. Heaven’s Will for you is total happiness. When you feel peaceful and free. having it all and of God. The next step is always better. there are probably fears of freedom. Practice healing each of these fears using the methods outlined above. your partner and your purpose. The bad news is that you do. Give over layer after layer of your fear to Heaven until you are at peace. you know that you have completed the exercise with that particular fear. the present problem will be resolved and your next step will be come clear. Heaven does not want to test you or ask you to sacrifice. All you need to do is be willing to move forward. There are ways through your fear – revisit the 13 suggestions in this chapter whenever you feel afraid. There may be a fear of sex. Finally. a fear of surrender and a fear of receiving. There may be fear of experiencing certain emotions and most certainly a fear of change. As you accept and open yourself to it.12. it comes to you. When you have the confidence. 13. One aspect of your present Page 18 of 184 . a decision that led to a karmic pattern. Chapter 5 Heaven’s Will For You is Total Happiness This chapter explores one of the easy ways to get through what is currently holding you back. It simply asks you to accept Heaven’s Will for you. Karma is an ancient Sanskrit word that means action. The good news is that Heaven does not believe in karma. There are other aspects of fear that will certainly be present in any problematic situation. meltdown. Key Insights: Every problem you have has fear at its root.

Heaven’s Will for you is perfect love. and it’s fighting for its life. The continued good news is that you can heal. you decide who can best act out the victimizer or victim positions. your ancestral family or your soul. But be careful. Wholeheartedly. It will have hidden agendas and dissociated parts of you going in other directions. You can learn the lesson instantly. Want Heaven’s Plan with your whole heart. which means you are caught in an old pattern. Your ego is slick. You naturally hide all of this away in your subconscious mind. Now is the time to unlock and unfold the situation with Heaven’s help. transform or transcend karma no matter how old it is or how deep the root is. ending the separation that began the pattern. They are just part of the painful illusions that have locked this situation in place. but your ego has had other ideas. Which way do you want to go? Given what you have been going through. as you keep embracing Heaven’s Will and your own true will for yourself. You can atone by simply joining your partner at a whole new level.situation is karmic. Key Insights: Page 19 of 184 . So embrace Heaven’s Will and your own true will for yourself so that this issue will dissolve. and it’s a path of success and happiness. do you want to continue to go the path that your ego has set up for you on or do you want Heaven’s plan? Pssssstt! Go Heaven’s Way. Heaven’s Will for you is perfect happiness. Yet. You deserve ease and all good things. and your relationship will progress forward to a new level of joy. This always reflects a fear of the next step. You can atone immediately simply by getting over the illusion or painful pattern that was set in motion earlier in your life. your ego and that of your partner is involved in a collusion to set up the problem situation. In the collusion. Whatever you do with your whole heart creates. Whenever there is a relationship problem. This includes love and a happy relationship. intimacy and success. these parts melt away because they are simply not the truth. It’s the path of your own higher mind. A happy relationship is an elementary step toward Heaven. choose Heaven’s Will.

Heaven’s Will for you is total happiness. Problems and unhappiness in your relationship are created by you because you are afraid of the next step. You have a choice about which direction to take: you can choose Heaven’s way. You deserve to be happy, fulfilled and loved.

Chapter 6

Getting Rid of Guilt
This chapter explores guilt and how it is at the root of all of our problems. It examines the nature of guilt as an illusion to keep our ego strong and hide our fear of love, intimacy and the next step. It presents a number of ways to heal guilt, such as the power of choice, going back to the root of the problem that caused the misunderstanding that led to guilt, including incidents from childhood, ancestral or “past lives” (the mythical, metaphorical stories of the ego).

Guilt is at the root of every problem There is no problem that is not built on guilt. Every problem, relationship problems included, is an attempt to punish ourselves for our guilt. Guilt could be said to be one of the most destructive concepts there is. Without the illusion of guilt, there would be no form of self-punishment and, therefore, no problems. The ego relies on guilt. The ego wants us to remain separate, and there’s nothing like a good dose of guilt to build walls between us and others.

Guilt is the cause of self-attack, self-destructiveness, unworthiness, valuelessness, failure and sacrifice. Sacrifice is an attempt to compensate for the guilt, though this never suffices to expiate the guilt. It is guilt that is ruining your relationship and causing you problems.

Guilt stops love Do you Realise that when you have guilt, you cannot help but pass it on to those you love, especially if you have children? Your self-attack keeps you from giving them all the love that they deserve.

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Without the contact that guilt blocks relationships either get old, boring and stale or they go into high drama. This is a breeding ground for trouble, and you are paying the price for it now.

As a child I had so much guilt, I went to the Olympics and got a gold medal in that event. When I finally dug my way out of that particular hole and cleared up my lack of self-worth that my guilt had produced, I really discovered the untruth of guilt. This was the beginning of a whole new way of life for me, especially in relationships. I could finally let love in. I could finally allow myself to feel loved. I could then speak with authority about the destructive illusion of guilt. I have helped people through the terrible guilt for having committed heinous acts toward other human beings. Their guilt was driving them either to become selfdestructive or to do something equally bad or even worse to others in a foolish and deluded attempt to bury the guilt.

How are you punishing yourself? Guilt does not work. It blocks love and hides the fear that it is built to protect, making the fear harder to find and heal. Guilt becomes a cruel master if you give it any power in your life. You cannot have guilt without punishing yourself. Guilt is its own vicious circle and sends you spiralling downwards towards the destruction of everything you hold dear. When you punish yourself, you feel momentarily free and appeased and then a darker layer of guilt, sometimes hidden by anger, comes up as a result of the ‘worse’ feeling. It is a never-ending cycle.

From my earliest days in counselling, I helped people through guilt by helping them correct the misunderstanding they had that led to the guilt. In the thirty plus years since then, I have learned many other ways to help people through their illusions of guilt. But if you are reading this now, you could simply Realise the folly of guilt and let it go.

EXERCISE: The way through: forgive yourself and let go of your guilt Ask yourself and make a list of what is it you are feeling guilty about?

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For your sake and the sake of those you love, can you forgive yourself for this mistake? You can correct mistakes, but guilt breeds more guilt, self-punishment and separation. Do you want to teach guilt? You will never be free of problems, self-judgment or the judgment of others until you get rid of your guilt.

You can ask yourself: If you were to know if this guilt came before, during or after your birth, it was probably…

If you were to know who it involved, it was you and…

If you were to know what was going on, it was probably something like…

If what came to you was that the guilt began before your birth, ask yourself if it began in the womb or before that. If it began before that, ask if it was passed down ancestrally or if it was an ‘other lifetime’ (if you do not believe in other lifetimes, treat this as a metaphor.)

If it was guilt that began in the womb or since your conception, Realise that any negative emotion you got from being part of that situation was shared by everyone in that scene. As a matter of fact, it was passed on to you by them. One way to free everyone is to Realise that you brought in a soul-level gift to free those in that situation from the guilt and the pain. If you were to know what that gift is, it is probably…

If you are willing, open up and receive that gift now. Fill yourself up with it. Then share this gift energetically with everyone in the scene. If it resolves completely, you are free; in the rare case it does not, then there is yet another gift to accept and share.

If the guilt was passed down ancestrally, then you also would have brought a soul-level gift in to free your family and your ancestors. Simply open up to and receive the gift, then pass it back through both your mother’s and father’s side of the family until there is only peace passing down through the family.

If the guilt occurred as a soul story, then ask yourself the following set of questions:

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sacrifice and other roles.If you were to know what country you were living in in your story. withdrawal. innocent and worthy of great love and happiness. Key Insights: Guilt forms the basis of all your problems – you create problems as a way of punishing yourself. It leads to attack. Then bring the feeling of that healed story all the way up until the present moment and your conscious mind. we allow love and innocence to take its place. ask yourself what soul-level gift you had brought into that story to help everyone… See yourself as a little child back there in that story embracing that gift. Page 23 of 184 . then sharing it with everyone and everything from that point on in that life. Becoming aware of how you are punishing yourself is key to moving through your guilt. Forgive yourself every day for what you think you did. shadow figures. If we let go of our guilt. judgment. All of these aspects build up selfhatred and generate negative experiences and other painful emotions. self-attack. Guilt blocks love because you attack yourself as well as your partner instead of loving them. Use the awareness you gained from the exercises in this chapter to go beyond your guilt and embrace the truth about yourself – that you are perfect. Guilt destroys relationships by blocking the bonding. it was probably… If you were a man or a woman in your story. unworthiness. you were probably… What must have occurred for you to carry such guilt all the way down until the present moment… What lesson was your soul was attempting to learn by having that experience… Finally. grievances.

Making way for grace Heaven’s love shows up for us in the form of grace. Get out of your own way – let Grace do the hard work for you. Every time you think of your partner and the situation. Even if you are an expert on relationships. grace always offers a better way. Today. Key Insights: Grace is the easy way through all your relationship problems. everyone else and the situation itself. open the door to grace. EXERCISE: Opening yourself to receive grace It can be helpful to sit and allow yourself the experience of grace filling you and then flowing from you to your partner. but do not let this be the last day you do this exercise. Let yourself and everyone around you be blessed today by your willingness to receive grace.Chapter 7 Undoing Your Problem Through Grace In this chapter I present another spiritual solution to all your relationship problems. the substance of all good things. Let it flood you. Grace looks for an opening to come to your aid. Do it every day until the situation has unfolded to a happy solution. your partner and anyone else who is part of the problem. Simply let the energy of grace unfold the situation where it has been stuck. The quickest way to turn any emergency into emergence is to get out of the way and let grace handle it. let grace flow to you and through you. be filled with grace and let it pass through you so that everyone is filled with grace. Watch grace effect the melting away of the problem. Today. Page 24 of 184 .

Your present problem could be such a wake-up call. Ask yourself honestly: What does this show me about my relationship to myself? Do I really love myself? You cannot love yourself and be sick. What would it take for you to love yourself? On the scale of one hundred percent. EXERCISE: Exploring self-love Look at the present problem in your relationship. you are in denial. It is certainly an opportunity to heal whatever pattern is prevalent so that it does not get any bigger. You cannot love yourself and have any kind of serious conflict. Now. Ask yourself a few questions and see what pops into your mind.Chapter 8 Loving Yourself This chapter is based on the principle that every relationship reflects our relationship to ourselves. what percentage would you say you love yourself? The number you get explains your problem. If you have a significant problem and score above seventy-five percent. it was probably… Page 25 of 184 . Denial leads to rude awakenings. ask yourself: How old were you when you stopped loving yourself? When in your life did you stop loving yourself? What percentage of you not loving myself does this incident cover? If you were to know who was involved when you stopped loving yourself. It presents a method of healing your relationship through self-love.

consider whether this was a good reason to stop loving yourself. you could redeem them with the gift of self-love. what could have been a single learning situation became a negative pattern that is still having an effect on you right now. it was probably… Recognise that if you stopped loving yourself this much because of that incident. See them surrounding you. coaches. When you stopped loving yourself. Once you know the answer to this question. et cetera. Now see any of your friends from spirit also surrounding you. teachers. concentrating on different times in your life to regain all the love you lost. Feel it. You are a purposeful creature and everything you do or have had done to you serves a purpose for you. you could now share it with everyone back there. So that instead of catching their self-attack. You may need to do this exercise a few times. Knowing what you know now. See and feel all of them pouring their love into you. Go back to that situation. Whatever happened back there. Key Insights: Your relationships with others reflect your relationship to yourself. people you worked with. close your eyes and surround yourself with everyone who has ever loved and believed in you: family. everyone there had this same amount of lack of self-love. lovers. As your self-love increases. Enjoy it. share it with your partner. You would never have stopped loving yourself if there was not some purpose in doing it. it was no reason to stop loving yourself. the more it was meant to serve a certain purpose for you. Page 26 of 184 . After this exercise is complete. Let it raise the level of your self-love. The darker the event.If you were to know what occurred that you stopped loving yourself. though you probably hid that from yourself at the time. how would you do it differently? If you choose to bring back the amount of self-love you lost. Ask yourself what purpose it served you to stop loving yourself. friends. Receive it. ask yourself what purpose not loving yourself could serve for you. Now.

Use the awareness you have gained from the exercises to build your relationship with yourself and increase your self-love. Remember to share your new level of love with your partner.

Chapter 9

This chapter explores the nature of jealousy and offers ways to heal this painful emotion.

Taking responsibility for your jealousy Jealousy is an emotion that torments. You are not jealous because of what your partner is doing; you are jealous because of how you have interpreted what your partner is doing. If you believe they are betraying you or deserting you, you will react as if they are doing so. Jealousy stems from your insecurity, and you will see all events through this filter. Our insecurity also sets up situations of betrayal. Jealousy comes from unmet needs from the past including loss, hurt, revenge, unworthiness and the most hidden aspect of all, fickleness. This may be hard to believe but the amount of jealousy you have is equal to how fickle you are yourself. This is hidden away under the pain of jealousy. Most people listen to their ego strategy at this point, and often a broken heart is the result. Or they become independent, so they dissociate their feelings and do not care how their partner acts. When you have dissociated your jealousy, your partner will act it out for you becoming the jealous one. You can tell how much jealousy is really inside you if you add up how much jealousy you and your partner have together.

Jealousy points to where there is a situation that you have misinterpreted or made potentially heartbreaking. Your own higher mind is attempting to heal that which is blocking your ability to partner. Your jealousy shows how much you have old need and heartbreak inside you. This blocks love, receiving, sexuality and joy. It brings up urgency and generates heartbreaking situations. Jealousy is a form of self-attack and revenge in which you threaten either to break your heart or cut the connection between your heart and genitals. This can withdraw you from life and your partner, which will lessen your self-value and attractiveness. This can also devalue sex and make it casual rather than an expression of love.

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Jealousy is a form of control over your partner Jealousy is a form of self-torture and often your pain will become anger. When you experience feelings of jealousy, you attempt to control your partner in order to make yourself safe. If you succeed in controlling them completely, they become boring to you and if you do not succeed in controlling them, you feel your old pain magnified in the present. The only solution is to gain confidence. Then you will no longer collude to make up such a situation with your partner. The ego is using this situation to compound your past pain and to make itself stronger while at the same time your higher mind has created a healing opportunity for you. Whether you stay with or leave your partner, you will need to heal your jealousy at some point or you will build your ego and become either more of a victim or more independent. You will then become controlling, demanding that relationships be on your terms. This will make you safe, but you cannot be safe and enjoy a vibrant, successful relationship. This can only come from equality between you and your partner.

Healing your jealousy It will take all of your healing ability not to drive your partner away. With jealousy, even if you are behaving maturely on the surface and feeling tormented inside, you have a split mind, and this prevents you from moving forward. All the roots of your pain from jealousy are in past heartbreaks and childhood losses. First of all, no matter what your partner is doing, commit to your own healing. If they are truly unfaithful, they too have similar losses and heartbreaks and are looking for ways to prove that they are loveable. They, too, are seeking to get love outside themselves. This is not an excuse for their behaviour, but it is a reason.

I will run through some solutions to jealousy, but remember that to clear your jealousy, you are actually attempting to clear most of the insecurity of your past. This includes all loss, pain and grievances from past relationships and childhood. Fighting with your partner out of pain will only make the problem worse. Here are some healing solutions to jealousy:

1. Take responsibility for your emotions. Feel the pain, even exaggerate it a bit. This will give you back control of your emotions so that they are not overwhelming. Learn to identify the emotion you are feeling. As you feel it, you “burn” it away. You can feel and melt away your emotions until they are finally replaced with good feelings. Emotions are not endless. If your jealousy is tied to unconscious emotion, it can be enormously painful. But by feeling it, which is one of the most fundamental forms of healing, you win your heart back bit by bit. Beware the temptation to
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dissociate or go independent, even if your partner is acting outrageously. You may choose to let go of your partner because if they are acting indiscriminately with little regard for you, they are not valuing the relationship. Sometimes, it is crucial to leave to value yourself, but if you do so, heal as much of the situation as you possibly can before you leave and come to a place of peace. You can leave the relationship without becoming dissociated, which cuts you off from your own heart.

2. Sacred Fire Pain is emotional pain so strong it takes you to your knees. It shows that you have vision-level gifts that the jealousy is defending against, such as Sacred Fire Love, creativity, psychic gifts, great sex, and transcendence to name but a few. The pain of jealousy and heartbreak then reflects a wedge between two major parts of your own mind that keeps you locked into, conflict and cross purposes. To heal Sacred Fire Pain is easy, and you can use this method to heal any emotion or problem. This method will either clear the whole problem or a layer of it. If it is a layer, you can simply repeat the exercise until the problem is resolved. This will create a new level of vision as a result.


Simply ask yourself, using your intuition, who needs your help. Go to this person and help them in any way you are inspired. Most of the time, it has to do with simply pouring your love toward this person through the wall of pain. This can shift the pain in seconds, though in some cases, there is another layer to be dealt with. This is a simple method, but it has the greatest efficacy in extremely painful situations or even in the smallest of problems. At one level, your pain or problem is an ego attempt to keep you from hearing the calls for help around you. As you help, you are helped. As you free others with your love and support, you are freed.

3. Transformational Communication. This is a very helpful way to learn to communicate with your partner. It will stop fights and encourage healing. 1. Set a goal of success for your communication. You can both succeed. 2. Ask for Heaven’s help and that of your own creative mind. 3. Realise there are no “bad guys.” Don’t try to make your partner wrong. 4. Ask for your partner’s support.
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your relationship will not work. not attack them. keeping as close to the emotion as possible so as not to get lost in the story. (See Chapter 34. how it feels. There are some easy ways to move beyond this step in the Power Struggle Stage. As you finish sharing about that experience. on Commitment. If you try to control them or use emotional blackmail. Jealousy occurs because the relationship has fallen into the trap of independence-dependence. there will be further issues. do not try to remember it. You can then simply repeat this same exercise. stick to the heart of the emotion as much as possible. you are healing yourself. it can be just as effective to speak of your emotion. back off a bit and reassure them that your intention is to heal yourself. and it will work against you. Simply use your intuition to guess. From the beginning of your sharing.) The way through is to commit to equality. and there will be a lot of pain. If it is not learned. page 115. including yourself. Commit to equality. As you share. your partner and your relationship. Simply share your experience while taking responsibility for your emotions and experience. As you share. 4. Simply share about the new experience. you will have healed a layer of it. If nothing immediately comes to mind. If you get hysterical or dissociated.5. If they begin feeling attacked or guilty. another older experience may occur to you. This can leave you feeling free and healed. The relationship problem will be resolved unless it is a chronic problem. but you will probably have to face it again a number of months down the line. ask yourself when you felt like this before and share about that situation and how you felt. you will realise how the present situation has been part of a pattern. but experience and share about your present emotion as the key to your transformation. you will soon be fighting instead of communicating. Recognizing and straightening out this imbalance is the most crucial lesson of a relationship. you have fallen into the trap of a power play. Though it may be a while before you reach the Partnership Stage. Even when you reach partnership. and your partner will feel as if they have helped and supported you. Share what is upsetting you without trying to make your partner change. you can hit plateaus of it along the way. 6. Page 30 of 184 . as well as reviews of independencedependence that call for a further rebalancing of your relationship. If nothing is still forthcoming. As you do this while feeling the old emotion. If it is a chronic problem. how you feel about everything.

you have sided with the ego. though your partner may seem to be in the superior position. the more you lose your attractiveness. you are obviously the dependent one. as you give up your dependency. The ego does not want love or contact. Give up fighting for the benefit of going forward to the next step. This gives you confidence for a successful relationship. This healing step will serve you the rest of your life no matter what relationship you are in. If you throw the relationship away. bonding and freedom. It is a step sideways in power struggle as you try to gain control. It is made up of separation. Love and bonding dissolve the ego. If your partner is not coming toward you. Do you want pain or truth? If you want the pain. you are not letting go of your attachments successfully. The ego builds itself pain. It is not enough to get rid of your partner. When there is full truth. the more your partner will come toward you because you are regaining attractiveness. you will lose because it will only be a matter of time before you are attacked back. probably emotionally.If you are jealous. if not further down the road in this relationship then in another future relationship. you are sometimes called to move rather than just keep suffering. 5. But remember. In a fight. even if you win. Page 31 of 184 . This can change quickly enough to you being the one to cause jealousy. rather than a step forward in partnership. if he or she is the independent one. The more you let go of your attachments. Let go of your relationship dependency. at least at the present time. You can rebalance the relationship each time you commit to equality and win back your attractiveness. Pain means that truth has not come to the situation. the suffering and potential jealousy were inside before this situation. Be careful not to swing the other way though. Jealousy anywhere around you is your own hidden jealousy. it is simply going for independence and dissociation. It will immediately bring light to the situation layer by layer. It is not happy for you or your partner when there is jealousy or the cause for it. you are probably indulging yourself in some way. simply choose it. The more dependent you become. Jealousy is your responsibility. though if they are not that into you. understanding. The process is not complete until you are at peace. To find the truth. dissociation and fights. Ask for it to be shown to you. and part of your purpose in life is to heal all the suffering inside and replace it with love. there is full healing. If you are not doing your healing work. need and pain. Simply want the truth and your perception will keep changing until there is success and peace.

You can step back from life. Your safety and security do not lie in keeping them under your control. innocent victim at your hands. the more dominant element is that of control. then this could never have happened to me. however. Heartbreak as revenge A heartbreak is a fight. It is part of a power struggle in which we use emotional blackmail. By having a heartbreak. You may be in a state of perpetual sacrifice because you can give but can no longer receive because you are no longer connected but withdrawn. “Look what you have done to me. independent and lonely. It stems from your own insecurities. it can be devastating for a number of reasons. dissociated. You cannot be a good person if this is what you have done to me. such as your parents and sometimes past relationships also. relationships and even yourself so much that you may never recover and always stay that far removed. had not done that to me. you state. You are saying to them.” In fact.” While there are aspects of denial and naiveté involved in heartbreaks.Key Insights: You can only move beyond your jealousy if you take responsibility for it. Similarly. This can only lead to more problems and pain for you. It will also cause you to take from your partner emotionally. I have been made a poor. Revisit the ways through jealousy presented in this chapter whenever you feel it arise in you. You may cut the connection between your heart and your sexual centre and in the most devastating heartbreaks even between your head and heart. you are getting revenge on others also. you are getting revenge on them. heartbreaks and need. Chapter 10 Heartbreak This chapter explores the nature of heartbreak and how to get beyond your heartbreaks to a place of wholehearted living. and had generally done it better. When a heartbreak occurs. It is because of you that I suffer. Give up trying to control your partner through jealousy. Page 32 of 184 . “If you had loved me more.

but because it has happened. you inadvertently cause heartbreaks in others to the extent that you were heartbroken yourself. In this case. It is not their seeming rejection that hurts. So. if you accept it. you would remain happy. it is your rejection that is causing the pain. No matter how another person acts. When you do this to others. If you are suffering a heartbreak now. Here are some principles to heal heartbreaks: 1. When you experience a heartbreak. you live a life of revenge either by withdrawal or dissociative independence. not because it is true or right. But if you are ‘giving to take’. you could not be rejected by your partner and. Partners pull away from those attempting to take from them. even if you do not like it. Accept yourself. it shows that everyone in that scene suffered or had the same heartbreak within them already. you move forward quickly to the next better step. Acceptance You cannot feel hurt unless you are rejecting something or someone. in which case. Accept your partner. you will be ‘giving to take. persists and it hurts while it persists. you are able to flow forward and the event falls into perspective in the context of your life and you let go of it easily and gracefully. By simply accepting it. you will be blind to it. Accept whatever it was that caused your heartbreak. if you learn to accept what is going on. but this behaviour does lead to wake-up calls and heartbreaks. This may be covered over by giving. What you resist. Acceptance. Healing your heartbreaks To the extent that you do not get over your heartbreak.You cannot be hurt or heartbroken unless you are dependent and trying to take.’ If you were genuinely giving. Page 33 of 184 . everyone will receive the healing as you achieve it. you will feel rejected as they push you away. unless you heal it. even if you were. you can change your mind about the event so as not to be stopped by it or locked in the hell of it. Practice acceptance every moment until you are at peace. As you heal your heartbreak or step forward in partnership. you will pass on this heartbreak to partners and children. No one wants to be possessed or swallowed up by their partner.

what is happening fits perfectly with what your ego has planned. Let go of the ego’s plan for one that will make everyone happy. Trust. Look inside your partner. Do not wait another minute. 3. Heaven knows what you need and what you like. Your trust. It restores your confidence and attractiveness. Want the solution with all your heart. Commitment. Grace. Forgiveness. Keep giving yourself wholeheartedly to the next step. Heaven’s plan for you is total happiness. Where there is pain. so you can let in the miracle. How many wounded children and wounded selves do they have within them? Could you let your wounded children and selves go to them. I would suggest asking for the grace and miracles to bring about Heaven’s plan for you. the situation and everyone involved. Your motivation to heal your heartbreaks lies in the fact that if you don’t heal them. your partner. It unravels the situation quickly and gracefully. which is the power of your mind pointed in a positive direction. Your commitment to go forward brings a better way that has been waiting for you in the next step. But deeper in your subconscious and unconscious mind. Heartbreaks come because you felt gravely insulted that your partner is not living up to the role you assigned them. Look back on your life. Let go of all grievances. and it will give you all good things if you let it. Accept what has happened to you – give up resisting and fighting about it. 5. heart and genitals. You cannot be hurt or heartbroken unless you are dependent and trying to take.2. Forgiveness heals the whole pattern that brought about the heartbreak. it shows your ego’s plan and where you bought into it. Page 34 of 184 . Trust yourself. you will pass them onto those you love. Unless you want a long delay of happiness in your life because you somehow bought into the ego’s plan for building itself. Key Insights: Being heart broken is your way of getting revenge on those you feel have done you wrong or not loved you enough. grow up to your present ages and melt them back into you? This would reconnect the wires that had been cut in your mind. is powerful enough to heal any problem. including yourself. Commit to the truth and to the next step. Everyone in the situation is God’s beloved child. There is a way for everyone to be happy but only in Heaven’s plan for happiness. 4. Holding onto heartbreaks is a way of fighting with those around you and your partner. This allows things to unfold perfectly for you. love and hold them until all or both of your wounded selves heal. Let it all go in exchange for Heaven’s plan for you.

Equally. It also presents ways to get beyond the cycle of abuse by healing guilt and fear. they do it to deny high levels of guilt within them. Even the abuser has taken on the scapegoat role in an attempt to act out the negativity in the family. You simply move to a Page 35 of 184 . whether it leads to you abusing or being abused. which is one of the key elements that brings about abuse by others.Chapter 11 Abusive Situations This chapter explores the root of abusive situations and how they are generated by guilt. in order to save the rest of the family from it. if ever. your health or your life. This guilt. A martyr-sacrifice pattern can continue through your life. But remember. Letting someone abuse you is neither helpful to them nor is it helpful to you. whatever the form of abuse. While guilt is mistaken. If you are willing to break it. help and whatever was accomplished by sacrifice could have been accomplished without it. while others can be similarly addicted to being abused. and you attempt to help or save others through illness. Abuse and Guilt There are a few important principles that are helpful in abusive situations. protect yourself and your children if you have any. An addiction-abuse cycle can be difficult to break unless one person in the victim-victimizer cycle is willing to break it. it almost always comes from your attempt to save your family. Abusive relationships Some people are addicted to abusing others. first. Guilt is also something that can drive someone to be abusive. being abused or some way of life in which you devalue yourself. These acts of sacrifice seldom. If you are abused in whatever form. The first one is that it’s important not to let someone abuse you. Because your family is worth more to you than your sexual integrity. If someone abuses others. Whether it is sexual abuse. the abuse is a form of self-punishment that you use to attempt to pay-off old guilt. physical abuse or mental-emotional abuse. there is the possibility to break the cycle for everyone. it is vital that you do not abuse others. It increases guilt for both of you. you will give yourself up for those you love. Common wisdom is that you get out of any abusive situations as quickly as possible. it is no less destructive or self-destructive. Childhood abuse Any abuse that occurred when you were a child is abuse that typically came as a result of you taking up the martyr role in your family. was a mistake on your part to begin with.

it was probably… Recognise that everyone in that situation had or took on the emotion you inherited in that situation. You can use the combination of them to great effect. and it is time to move on. it was probably at the age of… If you were to know who was there. it was probably… If you were to know what it was that occurred. Ask yourself the following questions: If you were to know. if you really want them to work. These next three exercises have had great effect in completely shifting relationships after one session. Taking action: Exercise Relationships are a form of collusion. you can still move out and continue the healing from a safe place. If on the other hand you made a promise to save them from themselves. once you have kept your promise. One important question to ask yourself is: “Are you using this relationship to hold yourself back or did you make a soul-level promise that you would save your partner?” If you have been using this partner as part of your conspiracy to hold yourself back from your purpose and your happiness. Sometimes. Page 36 of 184 . this relationship blossoms and becomes what it was meant to become – a learning. If it does not have immediate transformational effect. 1. you keeping that promise does not necessarily mean that you have to remain in the relationship. But let us apply some uncommon wisdom to see if it can have a saving effect on place. At other times. then it is important to commit to your healing and to theirs. growing vehicle to make you both happy. the relationship ends. how old you were when the fear and guilt started that is at the root of the abuse cycle. If you end your part of the collusion and the fear you have of going forward and being in a loving relationship. your partner and the relationship. then it is time to get out of the relationship and sometimes even out of town as quickly as possible. I spoke of you using them rather than of them using you. if it continues to be abusive. Again. you can break the cycle and this will free you both. Notice.

Let go of any sacrifice. Now do the same with yourself. Ask for this healing wholeheartedly. Want it with all your heart! 4. Also. Now pass these gifts through them to anyone who may ever have victimised or been victimised by them. martyr. Key Insights: Abuse is a form of self-punishment. Turn your perception of your partner. releasing and redeeming them. Return to Chapter 4 on Fear. The abuser typically abuses because they feel guilty. let them go.Knowing that the pattern that began there is bringing about the present abusive situation. the healing gifts pass through the whole network of victim-victimizer. would you be willing to change it? First. Page 37 of 184 . This abuse reflects a fear of intimacy. victim or victimizer roles you have carried within you. saving the whole network. pass these gifts to anyone you may have victimised or been victimised by and that they may have victimised. Ask for a miracle in your relationship. Thus. Share those gifts with everyone in the present situation. et cetera. 2. 3. Ask again and again. once again. being possessed or wanting to possess another. and use the exercise to move you past this trap of abuse. Any time you see any evidence of these roles or self-concepts. Ask yourself how many you have of each one and simply let them go to free yourself of such self-destructive programming. open the door to those gifts. Childhood abuse occurs because we try to save our families by sacrificing ourselves. Having an abusive partner can be a way to hold ourselves back. embrace them and share them with everyone back in that scene. Pass it back to the first victimizer and the last victim that is part of you and your partner’s pattern. pass it through to anyone who victimised you and others they may have victimised or who may have victimised them. which probably includes the gift of redemption. Now bring those gifts and healing energy up through your whole life to the present situation. Turn over any sacrifice. victim or victimizer self-concepts you have. page 16. yourself and your relationship over to Heaven and your own higher mind for healing. what is the soul-level gift that you brought in to change that situation and help the people involved in it? Whatever soul-level gifts you brought in.

There is a higher Source to listen to. relax and ask for the way forward. you shall receive. if only you are willing to listen. momentary and practical problems you may be facing in your relationship. Heaven has given you everything already.Chapter 12 Listening Within This chapter opens up another way to deal with the general issues and also the everyday. and she was told exactly what to say to help her husband stay on the straight and narrow path of sobriety. you will find the answer. You will never be told something that does not lead to your happiness. The answers are within you The answers are within you. simply close your eyes. you can ask once again and sit there openly and quietly. The woman prayed and asked for guidance. Yet. This need not be. You may be told something your ego does not want you to do. but you are afraid to hear. It is as simple as that. you shall find unless you are following your ego’s advice. Learning to listen To listen. If you ask. This is both frustrating and depressing. Page 38 of 184 . Are you willing to hear the way out? I once was coaching the wife of an alcoholic who was looking for any excuse to get angry and go off to the bar. If you seek. You are afraid that you will be guided to do something that you do not want to do. As soon as your desire to hear the way forward is stronger than your fear of listening. Heaven’s answers are within you. and it comes through your own creative mind. the answers she received were perfect. If you do not hear the way forward right away. which are already there. whose plan is for you to seek and never find. This sets up great resistance to listening. but you will never be told something your true self does not want to hear or do. It would have been so easy to trigger him and give him the excuse he needed to go drink. It took only her willingness to hear the way. It uses the method of listening within yourself for the answers.

If your mind is too busy to hear, it reflects the amount of fear you have. There is a simple meditation exercise you can do beforehand to calm your mind down. Pay attention to whatever thoughts come into your mind and say with each thought: “This thought reflects a goal that is keeping me from my answer.” The thought will fall away as you do this. Keep repeating this exercise for fifteen to twenty minutes until you have an extremely quiet mind. Then state: “Into this quiet mind, let my answer be given.” Whenever you need a specific answer for your next step, listen quietly for it. You may even ask that you get a certain body sensation when your answer comes in so that you can Recognise when your answer has come to you or rather when you are ready to hear it. Soon, you’ll get the signal even in the busiest of places, as you become more willing and attuned to listening.

Key Insights: If you are willing to listen, you will get in touch with your own wisdom and discover all the answers within you. All you need to do is be willing to hear the truth and to learn to listen and make your mind quiet.

Chapter 13

Healing Addictions
This chapter explores the nature of addiction in relationships and how to transform the addiction, whether you are the addict or the co-dependent partner. It bypasses surface solutions and deals with the deeper underlying dynamics.

Addiction and Sacrifice Addictions, like every other relationship issue, are collusions. An addiction contains many dynamics. It is a fear of the next step, which is shared by both the addict and their partner who is the co-dependent. This co-dependent partner inadvertently supports the problem because of their own fear of change and going forward. Many times, also, there is a hidden addiction in the co-dependent, which may be emotional or even behavioural, such as sacrifice. Within and between the addict and the partner, there is a vicious circle of addictions-sacrifice. Both partners will have this, though with the addict, the sacrifice
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aspect may be more hidden, though no less destructive. When you are in sacrifice, you mistakenly seek relief through indulgence. If you have a bad case of sacrifice, it can easily lead to burnout or addiction, generating a vicious circle downward.

With an addiction, you need a huge wake-up call to be motivated to break free of the addiction, whether it be to alcohol, drugs, sex, work, spending money, food. The addiction is an unsuccessful attempt to fill a spiritual and emotional void within you. As the addiction grows, so does the addict’s guilt and self-attack, which reinforces the addiction. In the same way, an attempt to medicate yourself will not make up for loss and loneliness but only exacerbate it. The need you are seeking to fill becomes more famished, and you become more driven and desperate as a result, eventually becoming more alienated and miserable. As an addict, there are conflicts in your life that seem insurmountable or overwhelming. You not only feel as if you do not know how and cannot heal these conflicts, the pain and need build to a point where you are less and less able to cope with them.

Addiction as a block Another much more hidden aspect of an addiction is that it can be a way to hide and not answer a call for help coming to you specifically. There is some leadership project you are called for in order to help a number of people, but because the ego has caught you in sacrifice, burnout and addiction, you are unwilling to answer the call for help and, thus, unavailable to have help be given to you. If you were to help free others, you would find the fulfilment that has been eluding you.

Breaking free of addictions When there is an addiction, something must be done to break the physical aspect of the addiction. Once this is accomplished, then the psychological addiction can be addressed. It is also important to discern the difference between transformation and a ‘flight into health.’ The latter only looks good, but it is just a little too perfect. It is compensating for the addiction. Usually, the addiction will break out of its defence at some point or other, which will cause a lapse into the addiction once more. It is helpful to have your higher mind integrate all of the levels of compensation used to hide all of the levels of addiction, so there is a new wholeness. “White-knuckled sobriety” is also a compensation over an addiction, and once it is integrated, leads to new peace and confidence.

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The motivation to heal is a key aspect in healing addiction both for the addict and the co-dependent. An addict may attempt to have their partner join them in their addiction to relieve their guilt. This, of course, can be quite destructive and only increases the guilt of the addict.

Breaking the cycle of addiction may take every bit of your courage, whether it is to detox, go cold turkey or gradually lessen the addiction. It takes commitment and the true will of your spirit to give up your selfdestructiveness. Here are some steps you may find helpful in breaking the addiction.

1. Ask for a miracle. Listen within and use grace every step of the way.

2. Use detoxification if this is appropriate to the addiction. I have used healing energy to help break strong heroin addictions. When someone relaxes deeper than the hold of the addiction, the addiction dissolves. I once had a case of a dealer who was getting very pure heroin. It took fourand-a-half hours of energy healing for the breakthrough. It was fairly dramatic, as the person flung himself up a couple of feet from the easy chair where he had been relaxing deeply as his therapist, myself and his best friend poured healing energy into him. I was also able to end a cold turkey detoxification in five minutes with healing energy. If you go this path rather than conventional methods, find a healer who believes it can be done and an addict who has some willingness.

I have also found that the compulsion-blowout in NLP can be very helpful in moving someone through the need for a drug, including smoking. But if other healing is not employed, the person may return to usage, not because they need it, but because they want it. The compulsion blowout is simply the first step.

3. Go back to the time where you decided to have this problem as the addict or the codependent.

How old were you when it began…

Who were you with, if you were to know, when the root of you this problem began…

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they are just a part of your own mind. you can do it for them. If they are not amenable. If your partner is open. then there is another gift you are being offered for yourself to free everyone. Use your love to reach a place of one mind and one heart. let your partner do the same exercise five times. Imagine you are one being. Page 42 of 184 . At an unconscious level.If you were to know. it was probably the gift of… Now. maintaining eye contact throughout. Burn through defences and all negativity until you both feel free. You would have brought a gift into this life as an antidote to this pain and using that gift is a much better alternative than suffering the pain. If you were to know the gift you brought in to heal that pain instead of inheriting the pain back there. it shows what everyone was suffering. at least on the inside. With intention. When you have time. Want it with all your heart. Open up any other gifts necessary to heal that situation and share them. It is the power of love and having a close relationship that allows you to do such healing for your partner. do it together with them. It will have a remarkable effect on you and your partner’s self-confidence and will begin the process of transforming your world to one that makes you both happier. Now. You can do this exercise every day for the next month. The pain was passed onto you. what was going on when you decided to have this problem… If you look at what you suffered back there. 5. concentrate on it. you can do this in your sleep or in the back of your mind. Join your partner. ‘Burn’ through any negative emotion that you experience in this being that includes them until there is only peace and joy. Repeat this exercise four more times to go back and heal significant roots of the present situation. 4. imagine yourself sharing this gift with everyone back there in that scene. Commit to the next stage in your relationship to heal the fear. If it’s not completely healed. as you go through your day.

To break the addiction you need to break the need of the addiction and the sacrifice that leads to burnout. What were you offered to go down that path… Imagine yourself continuing to go down the ego path of having this addiction problem. This is a wonderful exercise for bonding. healing and strengthening your relationship. What do you want for your life and relationship? 7. imagine yourself going down your higher mind’s path. Where does your relationship end up? Where do you end up? Now. What did your ego offer you as a reward for going down the path that led to your present state? Did it keep its promise? Did this make you happy? The other path that you were offered at the same time your ego seduced you came from Heaven and your own creative mind. 6. you can achieve profound experiences of Oneness or have profound release or simply burn away the defences that hide pain and gifts. Page 43 of 184 . Let us work on the roots that led to this problem. go back to that time when you were at the crossroads. You were at a crossroads in your life when you went down the ego’s path of addiction or co-dependency.By doing this. Go back to the crossroads. What gifts are you offered? What happens to your relationship as a result of going down this path? What happens to you? How does your life turn out? Now. Choose once again.

Addiction is a distraction from leadership and living your purpose. Revisit the exercises in this chapter whenever you feel you are acting out of addictive or compulsive behaviour. this problem represents a fear of success. Do this frequently.Ask yourself: If I were to know how old I was when one of the core roots of this problem began. Do it before sleep and when you wake up. it was probably… If I were to know what occurred. it was at the age of… If I were to know who was involved. it was probably… What I decided that led to the need that drives this addiction was… What I choose to decide now for back there at that time in my life is… The gift you brought in to heal this need that you inherited from the people in that situation was the gift of… If you open and embrace this gift back there and then share it with whomever is in that situation with you. It is always better. Want the next step with all your heart. You inherited the need/pain they felt in their lives that led to that situation. heart and spirit to commit to the next step in intimacy and success. you will heal it for both of you. 8. Key Insights: Addiction is an unsuccessful attempt to fill a spiritual and emotional void within you. intimacy and the next step. Page 44 of 184 . your partner or both who have the addiction. Use the power of your mind. Whether it is you.

Specialness feeds the biggest mistaken attitude of a relationship. Anger is all about specialness and specialness is all about having things your way in the relationship. making your partner jump through even bigger hoops. dilemmas. but sometimes it is your specialness that leads you to make others bow to you.Chapter 14 The Trap of Specialness This chapter explores the little known dynamic of specialness and how it usurps and destroys relatedness. All of your pouting and tantrums come from your specialness. The untrue part of romance is fed by specialness in which you are carried away because your partner seems to be ideal to fulfil what is missing in you. You virtually cannot suffer pain or have any upset whatsoever unless your specialness has been insulted. it would still not be enough. With specialness. triangles. And every problem is a pouting meant to tout your specialness. As a result of your needs. Specialness works against your relationships When you were a toddler. A fight comes about in an attempt to get your needs met and be treated in the manner to which you are accustomed. You think you want people to love you. It is a counterfeit form of love that works against your relationships. Your fighting with your partner comes about because they are not living up to the script you assigned to them. Of course. you thought the whole world revolved around you. it will get the attention in a negative way. you believe that a partner is given to you so that all of your needs can be met. which is that of taking. there is an issue of specialness as specialness is fed by your needs. you would seek a new fantasy to be satisfied. Since the underlying need would still not be satisfied. if they had. Special guilt Deadness in a relationship comes from patterns of sacrifice. Your partner rarely lives up to your fantasy of them in the Romance Stage. It is actually the bane of relationships because underneath every problem in a relationship. ambivalence about receiving. It is one of the underlying traps of all relationship issues. Frustration and disappointment are born of your specialness. You fight or withdraw to get your way. Deadness is fed by specialness Page 45 of 184 . If you cannot gain the attention your specialness feeds on in a positive manner. You demand or fantasize but cannot be satisfied. Specialness is a place within you where you have not outgrown this notion. competition and not going forward for fear of losing something. you attempt to take but cannot receive. but it is never enough.

Letting go of your specialness Now is the time to let go of specialness. 3. Page 46 of 184 . This can lead to depression and failure as a form of specialness that has taken on a negative expression. You can choose love and appreciation instead. 2. This special guilt can keep you punishing yourself for a lifetime.or the glamour of guilt. Specialness Involved 1. The first step is become aware of the insidiousness of specialness. What are they? What is it you are trying to get? What is the specialness involved? Negative Emotion 1. if unexamined and held onto. Examine some of your painful experiences from the past and look at them in light of your new awareness of specialness. 3. How do you demand that your partner treats you special? How do you pout or punish them when they do not? Examine where you are feeling negative emotions. This is such a primordial pattern that. such as feeling that you are the cause of your parents’ and family’s problems growing up. it stays more important to you than your partner. 2. This is a form of special martyrdom. as part of your own hidden specialness. What You Are Trying to Get 1. Examine the specialness in your present problem. 2. Examine the specialness your partner is exhibiting. Many times this is covered over by sacrifice and overwork. 3.

Go back to past situations and give your love instead of trying to get something from others. Transforming your relationship Commit to loving your partner. Page 47 of 184 . take responsibility for it. This fulfils both of you. Key Insights: Needing to be special works against your relationship. when you give in a true way. Doing this in your mind’s eye as vividly as possible allows you to heal the past patterns that are affecting you now. It is time for you to transform your relationship. Do not wait for your partner to begin. Specialness is based on need and will cause you to take from your partner as a result. Every step you take forward in a non-competitive way is a step given to your partner. Special guilt will hold your life and your relationship back. it will keep your relationship from becoming everything it could be and everything it was meant to be. giving is its own reward. It is the key to successful relationship. continuously let go of negative emotion. The way through is to let go of your need to remain special. and it is one of the elements that make relationships the fastest path of growth. Your relationship is not all about you. To transform your relationship. This is your responsibility. This simply will not work. Do it for yourself. You cannot attempt to give or love in a sacrificial way. What is it you could give your partner today without any expectations? Remember. Do not wait for your partner to take the first step. attachments and any form of taking.Be willing to let go of all of the specialness you discover. transforming your need. it brings your partner up to the new level with you. and as you succeed. Today is a day to transform the relationship from a place of getting and being disappointed to one of giving and being fulfilled. This is the economy that comes of partnership. As you seek to give rather than get. Instead. it is about your relationship and your partner.

you can end up anywhere. A relationship is the best chance you have for experiencing Heaven on earth. Everything between you and God will surface between you and your partner. healthy direction. each conflict could be your last.Commit to your partner and to your relationship. Once you have your long-term goal. Chapter 15 The Importance of Goals This chapter describes the importance of setting a long-term goal for relationship success. If you do not have a goal to get past every issue on the way to Oneness. Then you will wonder who this stranger is across the table from you instead of gazing over at your beloved. You know that the healing of this next conflict and what you learn as a result will bring you closer. Setting the goals of wholeness and heaven sets you in a true. where your two minds can become one and bring about the experience of Heaven on earth. and you do not become short-sighted when the next level of conflict comes up. Turn your relationship over to Heaven and periodically during your relationship. If you do not have a goal. Without goals. I would suggest that you have a goal of wholeness. Key Insights: It is vital that you set goals for your relationship so that you and your partner are heading in the same direction. then make short term goals for each next step. With a goal. dedicate and consecrate your relationship to wholeness. then each one can knock you further off course. renew. Choosing Wholeness and Heaven It is essential that you have a goal for your relationship. If you have a goal of wholeness in your relationship. Page 48 of 184 . you have the long view. then your conflict is just something to get through on your way to wholeness. When something untoward happens. simply reset your goals to keep your eye on where you want to end up. It will bring you more wholeness and confidence in your partner and your relationship to weather every issue on the way to wholeness.

you will find it much easier to work through each stage and issue in your relationship. There was a corresponding panoply of colours . Page 49 of 184 . and I became more independent. I used to think that the end of the Romance Stage was the end of the relationship because the intense ‘in love’ feelings were over. as the sun disappeared into the ocean. we looked over and wondered where the feeling had gone. This Romantic Stage is both a springtime and a renaissance. When it became dark. You feel as if you are coming alive again. which is the first major step in the Power Struggle Stage. Colours are brighter. The Romance Stage revives you and shows you all the possibility in your relationship. but it is most likely to destroy a relationship when it comes immediately after our Romance Stage. Continue to reset your goal constantly.purples. The Romance Stage The Romance Stage when you first meet someone can make you feel like you are floating on air. by this time. finally. and you have a whole new outlook on life. pinks and. Life has new meaning and wonder returns. When I was young and foolish.Once you have a goal and direction. we had enough awareness to Realise that we had simply entered the second stage of relationship already. The adventure of beginning a relationship with someone and getting to know them can fill your days with thrill and wonder. my Romance Stage got shorter. As I went through relationship after relationship. by the time I met Lency. my wife. Fortunately. our Romance Stage lasted the length of one brilliant Hawaiian sunset. It shows how to handle and transform the situation when your partner begins to look like a shadow to you by acting out the traits that most disturb you. Chapter 16 The End of the Romance and Shadowland This chapter explores the ‘shadow step’ in relationship. the mythical green flash. reds. oranges. We declared our love for each other and shared that we were each what the other had been seeking our whole lives. Finally. Shadows can occur at any time throughout a relationship.

your partner and the relationship. it was repressed. you must learn how to bridge the differences so that the needs of both people are met in a way that moves you both forward. Now. the relationship is about to begin its secondary purpose of helping you both to heal and become whole. It occurs right after the Romance Stage. Yet. To succeed in this stage. When the Romance Stage is over. This is the time when a new level of dedication is called for to bring back happiness. Sometimes. The good news is that when you succeed. soon enough. love and romance to its original Romance-Stage level. you have been seeking it to complete yourself. after splitting that part off. you always get a new ‘honeymoon. Then you are in a fight of aggression-withdrawal to try to meet your need while trying not to get used by your partner. when you start trying to take from them out of your need because you feel what missing in yourself. But when it does hit. Do not be surprised if you have a breakthrough and are feeling deeply in love. having had the best romance and sex in your life and wake up feeling distant from your partner. and to the extent that you do. it is crucial to be aware of it and to know what to do. They represent a missing part of you – a part that typically was split off as a child in a situation where you thought that if you acted like that. some couples step right past it. Then. Awareness is the key. the next issue has just come up. These oases give you hope and help you fall in love with your partner all over again. it would last longer or only two days or a day and a half. the next layer comes up. it has come back in the form of your partner. Now with the accelerating unfolding of consciousness taking place on the earth as the result of the amount of grace pouring down on us. renewing you.’ These honeymoons follow your breakthroughs and are like oases along the path of your relationship. You go from projecting your dreamboat on to your partner until all of a sudden they look like your worst nightmare. It is such an abrupt change that it is shocking and the relationship can break apart right Page 50 of 184 . the honeymoons would last about threeand-a-half days before the next stage came up. This feels great until the Power Struggle Stage.Beyond the Romance Stage: enjoying the oases along the way When you meet someone in romance. As we moved into the Dead Zone Stage. You are now projecting your biggest shadows and some of your worst fears on them. They sustain you. Shadowland This is the first step in the Power Struggle Stage. you would not survive. It does not always occur. Since then. you feel that they complete you. sometimes the honeymoon that followed each breakthrough would last only as long as an hour. the next layers of challenge seem to come up quicker. In the early stages of my relationship with my wife. This is normal. which was our real challenge.

Ask that they all melt together into one giant shadow. you simply reset your goal. judging and fighting. They are ways that you use to fight to be in charge of the relationship because of your fear. but commitment is one of the healing principles that can make all the difference quickly at this point. Shadowland is the time where you do not feel like committing. the Shadow. If you perceive a shadow. Handling your main lesson of Independence-Dependence with a secondary lesson of Shadowland can also be quite daunting and sometimes too much for people to continue in their relationship. Dealing with shadows Besides some of the ways already mentioned at the beginning of this book and others coming up. But if you do not make it past the Shadow Step. Once there is commitment. each step becomes easier. But if you wish to continue. the building block of all that is and then bring this energy back into yourself. The way through this is commitment to equality. your acceptance of your partner’s shadow behaviour instead of resisting. At one level. you can commit to yourself. and when you are fully in the Independent-Dependent Step. As you progress. but they all carry big challenges. it can only be because it is within you as one of your self-concepts. Whatever number pops into your that time. Simply ask yourself using your intuition how many self-concepts you have that are like the shadows you have projected onto your partner. your partner and your relationship. This allows the shadow that was right in your face and stopping you to fall into perspective. allows you and the relationship to move beyond the stuck place it is in and to go forward. Independent-Dependent and the Positive-Negative Steps are all about who is in control. you are moved up to the Independent-Dependent Step – the biggest lesson in all relationships. you will not succeed enough to be able to face the next step. Page 51 of 184 . One is integration. commit to moving through the Shadow Step. you have this many shadow self-concepts. Then have this shadow melt down to its pure positive energy. There are other exercises that you can do to help with shadow figures. which moves you past these fights step-by-step rather than just problem-by-problem. Armed with awareness and having set your relationship goal for joy and wholeness. commit to your partner and the relationship and you will be moved forward to the next step. You may still have more to heal about shadows but now it will not be right in your face.

See if you do the same thing as your partner. It examines the dynamics that lead to fights and what it takes to go beyond fighting to new levels of partnership. or if you compensate and completely hide that negative quality.Another way to heal shadows is to write down the qualities that you cannot stand in your partner. Whatever style you have. The Power Struggle Stage: fighting for your needs The second stage of relationships after the Romance Stage is the Power Struggle Stage. Page 52 of 184 . where you will begin to project negative selfconcepts onto your partner. if you do not learn them. will stop you from being successful in any of your relationships. Power Struggles are traps of great magnitude. which. Chapter 17 Transcending Power Struggle This chapter reviews the Power Struggle Stage in relationships and the steps we go through in this stage. pull back your projections and move towards your partner. Your partner will look much better to you as a result. you will dissolve these self-concepts and help both of you. You may even do both at once. Now comes the important question: Do you want to keep torturing yourself or do you wish to step out of the torture chamber within you and help your partner? If you choose to help your partner. To move through your shadows. which is to imagine the shadow as something you do or believe about yourself. Key Insights: Beyond the ‘Romance stage’ lies the ‘Shadow Step’. These sustain you as you go along and remind you of the deep love you have for your partner. To get through the shadowland step and reach a new honeymoon. you are torturing yourself about this quality. There are lessons involved in this stage. integrate them. Then pull back the projection. Repeat this exercise for all of the shadow qualities that your partner is showing you. raising your perception and experience of yourself while dissolving your shadow. Each time you get through a major trap (such as the shadowland) you will enjoy a honeymoon. simply recommit to your partner and reset your goal of wholeness and heaven. that is act out your shadow.

In interdependence you fight in a positive way for both of you to win. You not only fight for who is right. Your needs go on and on. Here. This means that you will not make the relationship all about you and what you are feeling. which is always possible. you look to fight or ambush your partner later. Competition and Conflict Competition comes out of the desire to separate. It is really crucial in this stage to reach a new level of equality. which is one of the key goals in the Power Struggle Stage. Every problem you have. which is the result of lost bonding in your family. at some level. you attack. complain. And. nag. contains the desire to be right. finally. partnership and maturity. It takes great maturity to move past the competition that you have had since you were a child. but you cannot be right and happy at the same time. bully and withdraw. You fight for your way. both of you feel included and you have reached a new level in your partnership by bridging the differences. it is never enough to satisfy you. Page 53 of 184 . The best and true way will always contain the best of your and your partner’s way in an integration of energy and ideas. In this way. it is crucial to desire the best or the true way rather than your way. If you are beaten. demand.You fight for your needs. The less bonded your family was the more competition you have and the stronger your desire will be to win over someone to prove you are the best. including ones in which you are victimised. If this occurs. You want your needs attended to and even if your partner attends to them. beg. Fighting for your way is one of the root dynamics of all problems. so you can finally win. make wrong. When you fight for needs. you fight because you are afraid of the next step. and you will mean you are not a high maintenance partner. it will take quite a long time to get beyond dependence and independence to reach interdependence. To deal with your needs in a mature way is a key to success in your relationship. you fight for who is superior. From competition comes conflict. You fight because of your competition.

they will always come back. All forms of letting go are helpful when you are in the dependent position. The more you forgive and join them. your attachment and your holding on to them. If you have been a good partner when you are the independent one. If you find your partner distancing him or herself from you. The dependent partner commonly confuses their need for their partner with love for their partner. loving and joining them despite any neediness. This proves irresistible. What you fear. the more benign they will seem to you. If you do not learn this lesson. they will stay away because of your attachment to them. You will know how well you did by how much they come back to you. If you let go. Each successful letting go reaps a new honeymoon until the next layer of independence-dependence comes up. Projecting your shadow on your partner can reoccur throughout your relationship and can lead you to break apart if you do not learn the lesson involved. experiencing it until it melts away into a positive feeling. which is the step in which your partner has become your worst nightmare. After the Romance Stage of relationships. While I shall deal in greater length with shadows in the Shadow and Projection Chapters. valuing. they appear to be. you have typically become needy. The dependent partner feels all the romance. the most important thing to remember is that your partner is helping you to heal a pattern that is within you. A second way is to exaggerate the need and the negative emotion underneath it. then they will be a good partner when you are the dependent one. your relationship will forever be a trial – that is. If your partner is moving away from you. let us review the steps in the Power Struggle Stage. The second step in the Power Struggle Stage is Independent-Dependent. Hold on and no matter how much you pretend you have let go. Page 54 of 184 .The steps in the Power Struggle Stage Finally. gambled or ran around. The dependent partner feels more than the dissociated independent partner.’ It simply wants to give without expectation. The first is the Shadowland. let go of your needs. If one of your parents drank. power struggle typically starts because the struggle to find out who will direct the relationship by being the more independent one begins. if it lasts that long. whether you are expressing it outwardly or not. The one who is the independent partner may stay the independent one through most of the relationship or the independence can shift back and forth. while neediness will typically be resisted. Love neither tries to take from your partner nor does it ‘give to take. so give yourself wholeheartedly to learning it. your partner may seem to do the same thing. reaching back for your dependent partner. but also feels most of the pain. Independence-Dependence is one of the main lessons that need to be learned to have a successful relationship. One simple form of letting go is to put the attachment in Heaven’s hands.

The final step in the Power Struggle Stage is Positive-Negative. Joined as a team. Otherwise. It is also important to remember that you can be positive in some areas and negative in others. Together there is a level of partnership that generates success and new honeymoons. it generates lots of power and energy just like the positive and negative poles on a battery. Page 55 of 184 . Here are some of the classic differences between these Positive and Negative Poles: Positive Optimist Denial Sees the Big Picture Friends From Beggars to Kings Naïve A Generalist Overgenerous Extroverted Overextended A Perceiver Problem Solver Glosses Over Heroic Negative Pessimist Realist Detail Oriented Fearful Very Discerning about Friends Focused Stingy Introverted Knows Exactly How Much Resources Are Needed A Judge Problem Finder Picayune Supportive When both positive and negative are included and integrated. This can lead to many misunderstandings and fights if you do not Realise the importance of working together. the positive and negative partners have everything necessary to succeed. there is the fight for superiority and dominance and attack when your partner succeeds over you.

Your partner is on your team. You do not have to agree with them to surrender to them. I suggest surrendering to your partner. The conflict within represents two parts of your mind. Commitment and Joining.While we will give Forgiveness. the whole team loses. Be a lover not a fighter. This is the emotional equivalent of bungee-jumping. This turns control into confidence. Integrating these two parts of the conflict for as many levels as the conflict goes down has the effect of bringing you to a new step forward in partnership by taking the best of both sides and creating a new level of bonding. not only intrapersonally (within yourself). it is important to mention them as key aspects of healing to get through the Power Struggle Stage. each with their own plan for your happiness. but you are going about it in a destructive and self-destructive way. and you swing across the chasm to join them. Without committing to this. nor blame. to them. but interpersonally (between you and others). For you to succeed. A transformation of negative energy to positive energy leaves a Page 56 of 184 . With surrender. nor does compromise. These are the things that stop communication. Communication is neither a fight. you know you succeeded. Gradually as the sharing goes back and forth. how can you possibly succeed? Giving up the fight For the really courageous. you might have the right answer. A power struggle reflects a conflict inside each of you. a bridge is built from both sides of the river until you are joined in between. It is a question of joining them. When there is dissension in the ranks. nor judgment. You project the less identified part of your mind on your partner and act out the conflict. If you are fighting. To communicate in a true way is to share your feelings. Again. not necessarily what they say. you move past the fight. the results will show you how well you did. Communication is another excellent way to heal your power struggle. By your surrendering to them. The extent you surrender to them will be the extent they surrender to you. Sacrifice does not count as surrender. their own chapters. You will know if you have done this because both of you will feel like you lost. you give up all of your resistance to your partner. If you have a new honeymoon. your position and your thoughts with the desire to move closer to your partner. you must treat your partner as your teammate.

Give the parts on all the levels over to your own higher mind to integrate. The steps through the Power Struggle stage are: Shadowland Independence-Dependence Positive-Negative To succeed in this stage: treat your partner as your team mate give up the fight – surrender to your partner communicate with your partner Page 57 of 184 . let go of your attachment to them. You not only fight for who is right. The way through this is to commit to the true way rather than fight for your way. Now. 3. melt all of these parts down to their pure energy and join the energy together. The energy becomes exactly alike when melted down and thus makes it easy to bring together. This brings a new experience of peace and wholeness inside and a new level of partnership. If you forgive and join your partner you will move through this stage faster.vaccination against further similar negativity. Choose that the integration occur. 2. If your partner moves away from you because of your level of neediness. Here are three ways to integrate: 1. but for who is superior. Take all the parts represented by one side and imagine them in one hand and put all the parts represented by the other part of your mind reflected by your partner in your other hand. Key Insights: In the Power Struggle Stage you fight for your needs and your way because you do not feel equal to your partner.

Grievances come from judgment. it is for you. they are released from their own and they can then respond to you in kind. and this allows your relationship to evolve. our partner and our relationships. it frees them. Page 58 of 184 . I present a number of easy ways to use the most fundamental but often the most challenging and confronting of the healing principles. so you did not have to go forward and face the fear. you would know that. that part of the relationship is arrested. you realise there is nothing to forgive. It all becomes an excuse not to move forward. you will remain stuck. Here. Unless you give forth to him or forgive him or her. The Path of Forgiveness You think that your forgiveness is for your partner. a grievance supports your hidden fear in a mistaken way. and judgment can only come from self-judgment or guilt. how everything that has occurred in your relationship was part of your own ego plan. but really. Your partner may have made a mistake and may continue to make mistakes. even much less so when you have a grievance. If you could see what you have buried in your subconscious and unconscious mind. Where forgiveness does not occur. problems and patterns. not one thought that you hold is completely true. which is used to hide fear. Forgiveness heals the hidden fear that generated this trap. Like a power struggle. Forgiveness is an act of love that dissolves the grievances and judgments that destroy relationships. If you give yourself to this chapter. It dissolves both the trap and the pattern that led to the trap. Your forgiveness makes your partner into an ally who will save you back in return. When you fully understand an incident. As you release them from the prison of your judgment. Various forgiveness exercises are presented to help you free your relationship from the vicious circle of fear-guilt-judgmentgrievance. in truth. but he or she will not get better without your forgiveness. Because you have hidden and dissociated so much of yourself. you will discover how forgiveness can save us. Forgiveness has the power to free us from traps. not only frees you. Your forgiveness. Forgiveness releases you from the hidden guilt that led to your judgment.Chapter 18 Forgiveness This chapter focuses on forgiveness and explores the nature of our grievances so that we start to look at what is going on subconsciously that creates difficult or problematic situations in our lives. Your grievances will give power to your fear and give you an excuse not to face it.

And after thirty-five years of healing work. you feel you will be attacked. Do not use a grievance with another to keep a wall between you and your partner and a Page 59 of 184 . Forgiveness dissolves not only the problem but the antecedent pattern that led to the problem in the first place. Your judgments and grievances serve a purpose for you. It’s guaranteed. which is what is occurring when someone acts out attach. When you have a grievance. Each time you forgive. A line from A Course in Miracles reflects this eloquently when it states that if a person does not show the Christ to you. It builds a wall between you and your partner. and it leads you to think you are right rather than realising that you were looking through the filter of your guilt and projected self-concepts. Judgment lies at the root of all suffering. not even you. whether grievance or gifts. It is important to know that no one deserves attack. There is no problem that does not have a grievance as one of its roots. Then.’ it also means that there are times when you believe you can be justly attacked. you did not show the Christ to him. another grievance will compound it. and you will always attack yourself first. They destroy relationships.Forgiveness: the antidote to fear and attack Whatever you give to someone.” You will build your ego instead of your relationship. I have seen it time and time again. When you are afraid. you release yourself from the prison of the past. This means that a grievance will precede any problem. What are you using it for? What will you choose? Do you want the grievance. If you felt innocence. it hides a lot of subconscious plotting and planning on your part. Everything you do to another. This is a carte blanche for your ego to justify attacking others first. you would simply respond with compassion to their calls for help. and you regain peace and happiness in the present as a result. The whole idea of being justly or unjustly attacked comes from your notion that you are justified in attacking others because you believe they deserve it. problem and pain or do you want forgiveness. resolution and freedom? If you keep your grievance. Do not use your grievance with your partner not to go forward. as a result of the problem arising. you will do to yourself. you will use it as an excuse for hidden indulgences and getting to do things “your way. and if you think you are ‘unjustly attacked. ask yourself how it serves you. The truth is that attack and judgment simply do not work. When you feel unjustly attacked by someone. they will give back to you. unless you respond with forgiveness.

Here are some forms of forgiveness: 1. In the same manner. This gives you the power to change and to choose a better way. empowers you and makes you happy. your guilt disappears. Forgiveness is a form of love that builds your life. you can re-choose.level of control over your partner. you will see that there was no good reason to plan it as you did and then hide the plan from yourself. forgive yourself so as not to withdraw from your partner. Ask for Heaven to help you forgive. Forgiveness is one of the hardest lessons to learn. When you uncover what you have hidden. Give forth blessings unceasingly to the person you want to forgive. Each time you forgive. and like all forms of giving. which needs guilt. you can re-choose what it is you really want. 3. Accountability allows you to take full responsibility back for what happens to you. Once you realise how you have set everything up. the more you experience a benign world and a benign self because as you forgive. judgment. When you get to the bottom of your hidden motivations. Forgiveness is most easily accomplished through grace. The more you forgive. It flies in the face of our ego. your past relationships. fear. Ask yourself: What was the soul-level gift you came to give this person? Give that. you bring the misperception that led to the upset closer to right perception. your relationship and a better world. 2. Value your partner and your relationship with them enough to forgive and keep it evolving. it brings you closer to the one forgiven. attack and misperception to build or maintain itself. 4. sets up a flow. You simply acknowledge your mistake and then your own higher mind can begin to transform it for you. I will explore more about the subconscious mind and accountability. your parents and God. Later. Keep choosing to forgive them as you forgive yourself. Learning to forgive Your forgiveness is a form of giving. Page 60 of 184 .

Use of the power of God’s love to forgive them. You have a choice between holding onto your grievances and practicing true forgiveness. You think that your forgiveness is for your partner but really it is for you. Then look at the person you want to forgive but look beyond their body. It emphasises the power of becoming one mind and one heart with our partner. How old are they? Love those wounded selves until they heal and begin growing up to your partner’s present age. bringing a new level of wholeness to both of you. the intention is. See the person you want to forgive and next to them see the person you love the most. everything else unfolds and transforms easily.5. Revisit the exercises in this chapter to help keep you on the path of forgiveness. See the wounded selves that caused them to act like that. Each time you forgive. “It is through God’s love that I forgive you. at which time they will integrate back into them. For example. Now join the combined light of you and the person closest to you to theirs to generate one light. 7. If this is accomplished. As you forgive others. Key Insights: Forgiveness allows you and your relationship to evolve with ease. Your partner cannot get better unless you forgive them. you release yourself from the past and regain peace and happiness in the present. Chapter 19 Joining Your Partner This chapter explores the only direction that works in a relationship. your own guilt melts away and your world becomes more innocent and benign. which is toward your partner. 6. Now join your light with theirs. personality and past and simply see the light inside them. Look at the person you love the most but look beyond their body and personality to see the light inside them. Attack and judgment do not work – forgiveness is the only way through.” The words are not crucial. Page 61 of 184 . Look inside them.

you automatically take the next step together. the only direction in which to head is toward your partner. If there is something in the way. It will increase your ability to receive and listen to both inner guidance and your partner. you will let nothing come between you – not a problem you have. Joining with your partner will help you remember your wholeness To raise it to the next level. you reach a state of joy. any negative emotion can be accessed by both or either of you. you will win your heart back. If you get good at this exercise. which continuously push up for healing. A problem can only exist if there is separation between you. these problems melt away and as this happens. which builds your wholeness and your relationship. Moving toward your partner: the solution to all your problems If you have any type of problem in any area of your life. Joining at its most basic level is about loving your partner and doing everything to increase the love between you until there is only love. The old pain disguises itself in present problems. it is actually a problem between you and your partner. When you join your partner. There is no problem that your love cannot heal. balance your masculine and feminine sides. not a problem your partner has. As the emotion is felt by one or both people. it begins to melt away. Page 62 of 184 . If you are not constantly heading toward your partner. you simply imagine that the two of you are one person. you melt away subconscious and unconscious roots until there is more and more love. nor a problem you have together.If you want to succeed in your relationship. You can join with your partner at any time. it was set there by the ego to keep you separate. as joining is an intention. As you take the opportunity to bond at every level. but it begins to build up unless you have an attitude of healing and joining toward your partner. If there is nothing in the way. develop your feminine side and open up the mystical parts of your mind. bringing you and your partner closer together. accelerate your healing. then the detritus and old pain. If you value your partner more than your problem. Joining your partner allows you to burn through all the pain and defences between you. Joining builds rapport and increases your ability to connect with those around you. In that way. get over your fear of emotions. also push you apart. whatever you are doing.

and begin to reach for Oneness of heart. You will realise that the patterns they are working through began long before they met you. and you will be more generous and forgiving toward them once you know this. This will then allow you to love and join them. on the other hand. Developing emotional courage If you do not become courageous with regard to your emotions. you will find it easier not to personalise how your partner is acting. engage the power of your higher mind. Healing our emotions builds our wholeness and our relationship. Chapter 20 Emotions This chapter explores how to deal with emotions in a mature way. adept at communication and responsive to those around you. As you become less afraid of emotion. When people are not courageous about their emotions. you get courageous about your emotions. Joining with your partner will help you remember your own wholeness and perfection. they tend to react blindly toward others who trigger their pain. By having the courage to feel whatever emotions surface. mind and soul with your partner. Understanding emotions makes it easy to understand how your partner is acting and what they are going through. you will become skilled at healing what comes up for you and your partner. you end up with armadillo–like defences. This opens you up to bliss and the Oneness of spirit. A problem can only exist in your life if there is separation between you and your partner.Ask for Heaven’s help with your Joining. It will also dissolve your fear of your partner’s emotions as you become confident with your own. you will Recognise Page 63 of 184 . passed down through your family and what your soul brought in to heal. It will also help you to cut through all the defences built up over a lifetime. Ask for Heaven’s help if you find it hard to move toward your partner. Happy Joining! Key Insights: Only moving toward your partner will move you on and allow your relationship to evolve. If. This is a sure recipe for boredom and deadness.

Commit to being able to heal any emotion by feeling it. like all the rest of us. Within your mind. If while you are experiencing a dark emotion. Emotional courage is a great blessing. The event in the present simply triggers your old pain. It allows you to be a good friend and even a healer. Your emotional courage will make you an excellent support to your partner. The darker the emotion. Page 64 of 184 . When you do complete your healing.that when emotions are triggered. If you are not afraid of your emotions. but this does not stop us feeling them. you have not fully healed it. Start with the old incident. You can be doing this in the back of your mind while you are doing other tasks. Maturity is taking responsibility for whatever you are experiencing emotionally in your life. you can transcend them and find the love and joy that is hidden beneath them. there are dark nights of the soul that are defended by secondary emotions of self-hatred. joy or grace focus on those feelings instead of the pain and the pain will melt away quicker. you also feel some love. If you are mature and willing to take responsibility for this. the event will look and feel totally different to you. it is time to win back what you have lost. Go back into it. Exercise Today. even though they are dissociated. Now. You will feel triumphant when you do. you will have the ability to look at things from a higher perspective and to act as a peacemaker in times of conflict. you will not automatically react but Realise that you have a choice about how you will respond. If you can still remember it as being painful. Do not stop until you have won yourself back. you will be grateful for the opportunity to heal this old emotion. You do not need to be directed by your emotions. If you do not shy away from these dark emotions. This process will happen more easily if you think of someone you love while you are doing this. pick out a painful event from the past. Your present experience of pain is always rooted in a past event or experience. Feel it as deeply as possible until the negative emotions melt away. None of these terrible emotions are ultimately true. It will allow you to help them get beyond their old pain. fear of love and having it all. have dissociated the exquisite love and rapture of Oneness. the greater the gifts and freedom it hides. Now choose an event with your partner that is unfinished and go back and feel all of that until you feel only peace and certainty. and you do not have to bully others or try to pass the pain back to them. that is a defence. Do not stop if you get to a place of non-feeling. misery and white-hot pain. emotion by emotion and defence by defence. You. One aspect of a power struggle is that a painful emotion comes up either in you or your partner and whoever experiences the emotion tries to get rid of it by passing it on or by blaming their partner for how they feel.

feel and experience anything between you and your partner until you reach a place of transcendent love. With intention. Subconscious and unconscious dynamics are explored to help you make a healthier choice about hatred and the part it plays in your life. Key Insights: Emotional courage and ability to feel emotion improves how you relate to others and how you communicate. They broke my heart. The world will look and feel like a much different place once you get your heart back. Understanding emotions helps you understand your partner better. Burn through all the emotion night and day.” All of these are typical responses of people experiencing hatred. even if it takes a week to get through the first one. Chapter 21 Hatred In this chapter hatred. Fasten your seatbelt. You feel justified in your hatred because you feel victimised by whatever it was that someone did. Understanding Hatred Hatred can spring up in you as a result of anything that brings up hurt and anger. it takes an event that is heartbreaking for hatred to be roused. They cheated on me. For the more placid types. You are about to enter a new realm of emotional courage and integrity. They cheated me. The rewards are great. and its effects on us and our relationships. They used me. are introduced. Page 65 of 184 . Any pain you experience in the present has its root in the past. Experiencing your emotions honestly allows you to react less and respond more. and you feel personally insulted: “They betrayed me. When you first begin this process. They hurt someone I love. Hatred arises from the feeling that someone has done something utterly unacceptable.Finally. you can even do it during your sleep. your attempt to get through an old incident may go slowly but keep at it.

In the same way. you are getting revenge on people around you and from the past. Hatred shows your level of resistance to life. the good news is that this means you can change it. Most of the time. This mistaken purpose might be revenge. Yet. hiding or running away from your purpose. You feel as if someone has harmed or infringed on you. relationships. on the subconscious level they acted exactly as you wished them to act even though it was for some mistaken purpose. Hatred also speaks of some loss. your hatred serves to give you an excuse to do what you want. and like anger. only you can victimise yourself. at a subconscious level. Yet. by its nature. In this way. contain elements of victimisation. The truth is that you cannot lose something that you value or do not choose to lose. I have frequently worked on this issue with people with major illnesses. your hatred is a tantrum. The self-attack and lack of self-love present in hatred can have catastrophic and even lethal effects on your body. but you can see it if you really want to find it. Hatred and self-hatred are very bad for your health. hatred and self-hatred become a vicious circle. The choice is yours. control. yourself. the amount you hate someone is the amount you hate yourself. Again.Hatred must. Hatred contains anger. does not discriminate in its attack. The present situation can serve as a springboard forward if you use the opportunity for healing or it can be a situation your life revolves around because you never mature beyond it. Of course. Page 66 of 184 . You have planned this beforehand in your subconscious. this is buried in your subconscious. The ego has used this event to make itself stronger by increasing separation. When your desire gets stronger than your denial. Hatred throws your whole life out of perspective and pushes something in your face that belongs in the background. which communicates that someone did not live up to your expectations of them. this is about taking responsibility and realising that you have chosen to lose this. You have planned this yourself. you will see what has been hidden in your own mind. Of course. in fact. By becoming a victim. So while you may hate only one person. In this way. your hatred acts as a toxic energy that hits everyone you love and everyone around you. going forward and your purpose. your power. This issue is actually a lesson that contains a great deal of past pain and old hatred. independence.

As you heal these areas of your mind. your health and your success. Your hatred is a ferocious way to point your attention away from your fear and avoid the real problem. As soon as you find it. This occurs at the deepest part of the unconscious mind where you gave up Oneness for separation and building an ego. if you have the courage to face the fear that drove you to find a partner or situation to stop yourself. hatred is either directly or indirectly part of deep patterns of authority conflict. that you do not identify with as you. power. You may feel that they used you. that you have as part of your self-identity. It means you will carry baggage that will cause separation and blocks between you and others and between you and life. you have been using them to hold yourself back. but do not keep it. will and your being.Taking responsibility for your hatred At the unconscious level. Hatred is destructive to your life. Healing your Hatred This need not be. no one does anything to you that you are not already doing to yourself. your partner. At unconscious levels. the first separation. give it to Heaven immediately to transform for you. You can find this conflict within acted out through the deepest of unconscious patterns. your family and friends. but in fact. Find out what your fear is. If you do not recognise that you have a spiritual connection. see the fear between you and them. which like fear and separation. you regain grace. This is the deepest trap of the unconscious mind and goes back to the first separation. is a part of every problem. Hatred originates in the self-hatred that was experienced in the “Fall”. Will you let that stop you from helping that person who needs your help? Or will you push past that fog of hatred and fear to help and support them? Page 67 of 184 . Your authority conflict goes all the way back to your authority conflict with God. When that person comes to mind. The person you hate mirrors part of your own mind. You know yourself as a spirit rather than a body. That someone did this to you reflects one of your self-concepts. joy. ask yourself who needs your help. or have done to others.

When you are small. Chapter 22 The Need for Change This chapter outlines how every problem we have represents our resistance to change. yourself. this need not be. Through this principle alone. they can finally be transformed. But if there is no one who can see past your nightmare to show you the way out. you can ask Heaven or your own higher mind to dispel your nightmare and show you the truth. Otherwise. Page 68 of 184 . Today. you will focus your energy on the past and cut off the possibility of good things coming. Key Insights: You can only feel hatred if you feel victimised by another. let go of your hatred and self-hatred that is always a part of the nightmares in your life. your power. Sometimes. Hatred shows your level of resistance to life. The way through is to take responsibility for your hatred. When your nightmares come to the surface from under your denial. relationships.It is vital that you see this hated person or situation as an opportunity for healing. someone around you will have enough awareness to be able to show you that your nightmares are not real and help you awaken to a better reality. This will dispel the fear eating away at your life. you could free yourself and those you love. Dealing with nightmares There is a vicious circle between hatred and nightmares. Our willingness to change brings about the movement forward that leads to resolution of problems along with greater success and intimacy. once again. going forward and your partner. your parents can show you that clothes thrown over a chair are not monsters or dragons. Nightmares are terror-based dreams that you have dreamed to suit some mistaken purpose but. You can ask your own creative mind or Heaven to dispel the nightmare by showing you the truth. If you hate one person you affect everyone you love with this energy.

Every emergency in a relationship speaks of the need for a new birth. everything occurs as you planned it. you must be willing to keep changing. It is crucial not to hide your mistakes under their mistakes or you will not make the changes crucial for you and your partner’s happiness. unless it is a regression. In your subconscious. it simply shows what needs to be healed. The situation serves a purpose for you. You pile up problems. not to mention getting to have things “your way. avoid your purpose and justify an indulgence. every problem is a fear of change. change is always for the good. Everything you demand of your partner is something you are not giving either to yourself or to them. For this to occur. but you will become more of your true and essential self. your partner will change with you for the better. How your partner is acting is subconscious collusion. difficulties and all manner of issues because of your fear of change.Change starts with you A crisis in a relationship points to the need for change. It’s a fear that if you go forward. While it may put you into a victim or sacrifice position. If you do. life usually finds a more dramatic and painful way to get you moving. yet. both of these positions are ones that you can use to hide. When you regress. Committing to change At some level. Your life and your relationship may be good. You are winning the competition and losing the relationship. If you do not. you are proving subconsciously that you are superior to them. If you have been trying to force your partner to change. If you made the change. easier way that would bring about a new renaissance for yourself and your relationship. it is time to change. you will lose something rather than have things be better. which is not true change. morally superior if nothing else. but they could not be that way unless you were screwing up badly. but they can always be better. It may look like your partner is the one who is screwing up badly. Yet. This is some ego agenda to give you an excuse or be right about something. they are acting exactly the way you want them to. it means that you have been refusing to change yourself. Accomplish that and everything else will fall into place. If they are failing. the energetic invitation would be irresistible for your partner to step forward with you. Realise that you are the one who is called to change. there is a better. Yet.” Now. The extent of your demands on them prove that. too. subconsciously. You are being asked to change. You will not become something or someone other than who you are. Change is in your best interest Page 69 of 184 . You can only be upset if someone is not living up to the script that you assigned them.

All your pain is past pain. Taking responsibility for your emotions Any bad feeling you have is your responsibility. Would you say yes and open the door to it now and continuously throughout your relationship? This is all that is necessary to bring change to you if you are sincere. Commit to the change now. then it is necessary for you to change. you have a choice. The change to a better way is waiting for you to accept it. Key Insights: Change starts with you.and that of your relationship. Go for it. When something triggers pain in you. Commit to the next stage in relationship for you both. The current event is simply triggering an emotion you already have inside. Once you know this and become accountable for your emotions. It is hard to have a successful relationship if we do not take responsibility for what we are feeling. This chapter presents the specific dynamics of the most common emotions. Chapter 23 Any Bad Feeling You Have The purpose of this chapter is to deepen our understanding of emotions. Page 70 of 184 . you can choose whether you will use it for healing or to compound the pain that was already inside. Most people react so quickly when an emotion is triggered that they do not know they have a choice. No one else can make you feel anything. Commit to change and a better way for your relationship. If you have been trying to force your partner to change it means you have been refusing to change yourself. Every problem signifies a fear of change. Commit to the better way. Commit to leaping forward with your partner. abundant or happy. If you are not satisfied.

squeezing your heart to hurt you. You live as if you believe this to be true so that you do not have to take responsibility for your emotions. stating that it was dishonest and wrong. comes from deep loss and the urgency of your needs. But if I said you have not been a good enough parent to your children. contains specialness and dark glamour. you make yourself a victim and disempower yourself. Used to hide fear of going forward. partner to your partner or child to your parents. A monument to a mistake. would you feel guilty? You could only feel guilty if you had actually robbed a bank or had a lot of guilt in general. Rejecting something or someone. Refusal to accept. That is because the guilt was already inside you. anger or hurt is to believe that people could unscrew the top of your head and crawl inside you. I would simply have triggered something that was already there. judgments and your projection of what you are doing (attack) as coming back to you from the world (fear). For instance. et cetera. Chronic guilt is attack on God. not just as a onetime experience. Here are some of the dynamics that bring about your major emotions: Fear – Resistance.If you blame your emotion on others. Projection of our rejection. Hurt – Resistance. stepping on the throttle of your anger. Page 71 of 184 . they will run you. Chronic guilt is arrogant. you might be more likely to feel guilty if you had any guilt at all about any of these things. hitting your guilt button. Comes from attack thoughts. Living in the future. self-attack and self-punishment. Guilt – Self-blame. Super-glues you to where you are stuck. Resistance. if I started ranting to you that you should not have robbed the bank. Failure. If you do not take responsibility to heal your emotions. but as part of a whole pattern. To believe that someone could make you feel guilt.

Giving without receiving. needs and fear. jealousy. Looking for others to meet your needs. Emotional blackmail. Using another to meet your needs. Sacrifice and Unworthiness – Compensation for guilt and fear. Compensation. guilt. Page 72 of 184 . Shattered dreams. Rejection and refusal to accept. Direct attack.Heartbreak – Part of a fight. fear. Something you did not fully value and so was lost. Using others to hold yourself back because of fear. Control – Compensation for fear and heartbreak. need. Lack of confidence. Frustration and Disappointment – Comes from expectations. An attempt to hurt another because of hurt that you have sustained. not valuing yourself. Not giving yourself. Revenge. Lost bonding. heartbreak. failure and sacrifice. Holding On Attachment – An inappropriate defence to deal with loss. Demands show what you are not giving to yourself and others. Separation. There is a vicious circle of heartbreak and revenge. Sadness – The experience of loss. withdrawal or hurting yourself to get back at another. Revenge – Resistance. Dissociated Independence – Compensating for loss. Lust – An attempt to meet old needs. A form of wanting to use others. hidden demands and needs. The need to have things your way. Surreptitious taking and using another. especially feeling unloved by taking in a sexual way from another.

It is a form of fighting and emotional blackmail. This automatically leads to success and intimacy in relationships. Hides self-blame. yourself. Nobody can make you feel anything. Displacement. you build bridges to your partner. fear and authority conflict. on the other hand. you move closer to your partner. mature and healing manner with your emotions. They are a form of resistance about going forward. bringing trust and peace to your relationship. Form of fighting. another or God. Key Insights: Any bad feeling you have is your responsibility. All negative emotion has its root in separation. Through communication and transformation of your emotions. It shows where you are using another to hold yourself back. fear.Anger – A protective emotion for need. Through communication about your emotions. If you use your emotion as an excuse to react. used as an excuse to dissociate (cut off from our heart) and become independent. loss. Emotional Maturity By dealing in a positive. Understanding these key motivations helps you work through your feelings in a mature way. Blame – Comes from your guilt projected on others. Page 73 of 184 . guilt. grace or reward. They are an attempt to gain control and have things your way. Attempt to control others. you build your relationships through healing. while deeper emotion and need are a compensation for some gift. frustration or simply not getting things your way. Emotional tantrum. you will hold your relationship hostage to your emotional indulgence. There are a number of key dynamics at the root of your emotional reactions. Fear of going forward. jealousy. It is a defence against a more painful emotion. Dissociation. It is transferred from the past as unfinished business. They express need and are a call for love and help. you generate more and more deadness in your relationship. which is a defence against something wonderful. Your courage to face your emotions and heal them balances the masculine and feminine energies within. Bullying. A negative emotion is a form of hiding. is an attempt to cover and compensate for emotion and need. You will use them to indicate a need for healing or as an excuse to do something you want to do or not do something you do not want to do. If you dissociate emotion that needs to be healed. hurt. It reflects fear of a gift.

lightens. And family patterns come from soul and ancestral patterns. and sometimes. At times. It was also stated quite clearly in A Course in Miracles and Gestalt therapy’s idea of continuing to bring unfinished business into the present until it is healed and the lesson is learned. to your partner and the situations that come up for healing. Sometimes. Later. I have also seen it take ten sessions to get to the root of a chronic yeast infection. I then present the Intuitive Method as a way to go back and free yourself of past pain that is showing up in present problems by transforming the root of the situation. Soul and ancestral patterns make up the unconscious mind. Relationship patterns come from family patterns. commit it to memory and apply it to each and every situation without fail. I learned that this was a key principle in Psychiatry called transference. All because they used the accident as a gateway to open up the past patterns that were ripe for healing. I have also experienced the remission of catastrophic illnesses with one healing of some past situation. They come from the deepest level of the authority conflict that generates the ego and separation instead of Oneness. you can hit the nail on the head. I have found that chronic situations usually have a number of significant roots in the past. The Principle of Transference All pain is rooted in the past. I learned as I went on that victim situations come from relationship patterns. Page 74 of 184 . As you learn this principle of transference. you must keep healing layer by layer until the root becomes available. This will cause a lot less wear and tear on those around you because you will be a lot less likely to attack. As each one is healed. It will also lend maturity and response–ability to your relationship. If you do this successfully. the present situation that they generated. I learned this vividly in my work in the 1970s and early 1980s. you will naturally take a healing attitude toward everything that comes up. blame and judge.Chapter 24 The First Cut is the Deepest In this chapter I introduce the idea that all pain is from the past as part of a pattern that began long before the present event. I have seen people recover so quickly from accidents that they left their doctor is a state of wonder and confusion.

Ask yourself if it began with a man. connect with everyone in the situation with lines of light and. Go back to before the original problem and do the bonding exercise until the scene is one of great joy and success. Then imagine this being passed down through the family instead of the problem. watch the effect. You can do this exercise until the scene and emotion are completely transformed. Bonding heals those negative emotions and generates love. Ask yourself how many generations ago it began. do the bonding exercise in that scene with all involved through your mind. Do this bonding exercise until the scene. success. this will always work unless there are other agendas. Page 75 of 184 . It will always transform unless you are using the past for an excuse to indulge yourself or to have control in your relationship now rather than equality. Then it gets worse for a scene or two before it starts to get better. once again. As you are connected. Next. ask yourself if there are any roots to this problem that began in the womb or at conception. you. If it does. If you have a root in childhood or at birth. There is no situation that bonding would not heal. Witness the change in the feeling and situation after each bonding. Keep doing this with everyone in that scene. Once again. If you had a trauma in adolescence or in your teenage years. witness how bonding changes the past situation emotionally and in appearance. there will be many layers of negative emotion. If there are. Repeat the bonding exercise. See lines of light connecting you with everyone in that old situation. ask yourself how old you were as a child when the root of this present problem began. and everyone in the situation are feeling happy.Exercise So with your present relationship problem. you can do this until the whole scene turns to light and joy. Again. ask yourself if it has any roots in your adult life. Actually. you will find a root either in childhood or in the womb. freedom and ease. The only time it will get worse is if there is a lot of emotion impacted beneath the initial scene or if there is a direct connection to the unconscious. Ask yourself what occurred that created the problem with those ancestors. with whom and about what? Here is an efficacious bonding exercise that can transform the roots of any problem. Now. Where there is separation. ask yourself if there’s an ancestral problem being passed down through your mother’s or father’s side of the family. a woman or both.

using your intuition and bringing bonding for them into their past painful situations. with Heaven’s help. if you were to know what country you were living in at that time. In your imagination. Notice the effect this has on the whole story. You can do this with ease by repeating the bonding exercise. You can repeat this same bonding exercise with your partner. Once this is healed. Do this until there is only joy. Page 76 of 184 . it was probably something like… Now go back to that scene and. As you bond at this level. you can even do these exercises for them. These were all set up to support separation and the building of your ego. Again. joy and innocence. bonding can reduce and heal the symptoms that are the foundation of our ego. The next layer of the unconscious contains great soul-level gifts but also holds the unconscious level traps. it is the country that is now called… If you were to know if you were a man or a woman. then do so. re-bond everyone with light. This will then be replaced with greater partnership.Now ask yourself if you were to know: Did you have a ‘past lifetime’ story that is part of the root of this pattern? If so. If you have to go back earlier in that life story to before the problem in order to generate the bonding. This leaves the past in the past and brings the gifts and grace forward. embrace these feelings and bring them into yourself until you feel them strongly. You can skip this symptom layer for now and examine the authority conflict that led to these deep patterns. creativity. You may find that there are other childhood. bring all of your positive feelings from either ancestral or “other lifetime” stories up to the present. ancestral or ‘past-life’ issues that you need to heal to help transform the current situation. love. you were probably a… If you were to know what occurred back there that led to this current problem.

everyone move forward together toward new levels of success. If you love rather than blame. Also in this chapter. of course. as I stated that you are using this condition for some hidden agenda. Then you will find resistance to having this exercise succeed. Though it may not look to be the case. Every problem shows a place of fear. Those who want help will find it even in impossible situations because it is Heaven’s Will. The man had a drug addiction. we are doing also. Nine months after he had stopped taking drugs. It brings about mutuality and partnership. your relationship can grow and if you refuse to love. in fact. come to the present situation and do the bonding exercise with everyone involved. When we draw this into a present situation it is called transference. Applying this principle to everything in your life transforms negative situations and problems. Bonding restores love and connection and helps. separation and conflict.Now. he had a night out on the town and used drugs once more. Chapter 25 It’s All Equal This chapter presents the collusional aspect of relationships and how anything a partner is doing. which has the power to balance a relationship and leap it forward. We discovered that she had been flirting with someone in one of her graduate classes at the same time that he had been using. I introduce the great healing principle of equality. and it is also your deepest will. you will be left feeling angry and small but superior. and his wife had no obvious addictions. It brings truth. you are cheating yourself. This took place only in her own mind as there was not much overt Page 77 of 184 . His wife and I searched for her part in this. Once you understand this. ease and freedom. This is an excellent exercise to heal past trauma and remove any post-traumatic stress unless. Key Insights: All pain is rooted in the past. You feel cheated by how your partner is acting when. Bonding brings both roots and wings. we examined where she might have been equally indulgent. I once worked with a young couple. you are not so quick to blame. everything in a relationship is equal.

Page 78 of 184 . One partner may seem to be the jealous one. it helped her affirm and recommit to the relationship. he was considering going back to drugs. it is equal on the positive side also. The dependent partner is showing how much dependency is being compensated for by the independent partner. It is important to forgive others and yourself for seeming lapses because forgiveness is a powerful form of love and healing that benefits both of you. neediness or control. But when they really examined the relationship. sometimes. I had partners complain that they were the only one bringing money into the relationship or the only one helping the relationship grow. The amount you commit to your partner will be the amount they commit to you. Remember. but they are simply showing how much the other has compensated for or dissociated it. and all three aspects will completely stop a relationship from going forward in a certain area if not in the whole relationship. the extent to which you surrender to your partner will be equal to the extent to which they surrender to you. blame and judgment come from guilt. I have worked with couples where one partner was out of integrity sexually and the other partner was out of integrity to the same extent emotionally through their demands. She recognised how crucial her love and attention were to her husband’s recovery. The husband was trying to indulge himself outside the relationship. This is also true for love: the amount you truly love them will be the amount they love you. Sometimes. It is the same with jealousy.action. In marriage counselling. For instance. so they could leave the relationship or win the competition. it is more hidden and denied. it is obvious where both partners are indulging. he had no further relapses. It turned out that it was a night where they were both flirting. and she was thinking about a new relationship. such as where one partner is independent and the other dependent. forgive their partner and help redeem them. After this. This was always the case unless one partner was seeking to have their partner fail. and the wife was indulging herself inside the relationship. When she recognised this. Besides areas that need to be healed. and. It can really help a partner take responsibility for themselves and the relationship. they could see that their partner was making a contribution in other areas. But there are other areas of hidden equality.

This will help you make contact. Look for what you might be doing that is equal to what they are doing. It has the ability to leap both you and your partner forward to a new step in your relationship. Commit to equality – it will rebalance your relationship and keep it healthy. Commit to equality with your partner. you will want to remain in control and do things your way. head in the same direction and clean up any area where judgment or independence might be at play. peace or true contact between you. Your love grows with your equality. Be willing to forgive your partner and yourself for the lack of equality in your relationship. Given the amount that comes up for healing. Commit to it. you and your partner could use equality to realign yourselves every couple of days. Any time there is anything other than love. peace or true contact between you and your partner. Any time there is anything other than love. If you are complaining that you are the only one making a contribution in one area of the relationship. Look for any area where there is a conflict because of what you or your partner are doing. recommit to equality. If you are independent. recommit to equality. Equality can pull you or your partner out of an emotional hole you may fall into. Page 79 of 184 . look to where they may be making a contribution in another area. Judgment is always used to allow us to separate and act superior to others. It helps you through mood swings and the ups and downs of life. Key Insights: Everything in a relationship is equal.Committing to Equality Committing to equality in a relationship is one of the most helpful things you can do because equality rebalances the relationship.

The sooner you give up the notion of ‘bad guys. We would all have to be more whole for that to take place. given inner and outer circumstances.Chapter 26 No Bad Guys This chapter introduces an important aspect of accountability. Taking responsibility When you label someone as a ‘bad guy. This chapter presents ways to explore how you are using ‘bad guys’ to hide fear. When someone fails you as a partner. If there are any ‘bad guys’ in your life. Certainly. and it is always because equally heinous things were done to them. Your partner is an easy target.’ you take no responsibility for the situation. I have worked with people who have done some of the most heinous things to other people. There are only wounded people in need of help. Your projected ‘bad guy’ shows you your own Page 80 of 184 . I have found that people are doing the best they can. you do not judge. If you feel innocent. This is an important principle if you are to succeed in relationships. which is self-punishing and self-destructive. and you will naturally project onto each other. it refers to your own hidden self-concepts of guilt. it shows the hidden competition meant to demonstrate that you were the very best one and that your partner is a ‘bad guy’ or at least not as good as you. This is not to excuse any such behaviour on their part but to show the reason for their behaviour and help your understanding of it. indulgence and excuses.’ the more you can respond in a mature way that will help your partner. you simply see that someone needs help. your relationship and your life. ignorant people in need of education and people who simply do not know what they are doing in relationships or in any other category. It is easy to write someone off as a ‘bad guy. But we can do and give our very best. If there are any ‘bad guys. There is no fairytale. People do not get better unless you give to them. the extent of your judgment and blame is the extent of your hidden (or not so hidden) guilt and also the extent of your self-punishment. guilt.’ It takes much more courage.’ there will be punishment for everyone. There are no ‘bad guys’. It shows how blame destroys relationships and is a defence to hide guilt. no-problem relationship. desire to change and sheer determination to make a relationship work when there is a problem. but that everyone can do better. but you cannot blame another unless you have guilt about the same thing.

If you do not accept the principle that there are ‘no bad guys. Exercise Look back on your life. You will live a life of righteousness to hide and compensate for how wrong you feel underneath. 3. 4. 2. ego agendas and even soul injuries that you have come to heal in this time and place. All relationships are a form of collusion. 2.guilt. if not literally. it naturally changes when there is understanding or truth. what gift does this all hide? Past Bad Guys 1. This is a buried pattern. What I Am Refusing to Get Over 1.. Then you will do to others metaphorically. 2. fights and revenge.’ you will be locked into your past. so that your perception and experience are completely transformed. Only by realising this and taking responsibility do you begin to uncover subconscious patterns. Their acting badly toward you could be your mistaken solution to your guilt. 4. You may be having them behave this way toward you to punish yourself. what was done to you. blindly living a life of judgments. 3. Because every negative emotion is an illusion. of course. Who do you consider to be a ‘bad guy’? What is it you refuse to get over? What fear is it hiding? What excuse is it hiding? What indulgence does it hide? What guilt does it hide? How have you been punishing yourself? Finally. What Fear This Hides 1. 4. Page 81 of 184 . 3.

What Excuse This Gives Me 1. 2. What I Have Felt Guilt About and How I Have Punished Myself 1. 3. What Fear This Hides 1. 3. 4. 2. 4. 3. 3. What I Am Refusing to Get Over 1. 2. What Excuse This Gives Me 1. 2. Where Present Partner is a Bad Buy 1. 2. 4. 3. 2. 3. Gift 1. 2. 3. 4. 4. 3. 4. Page 82 of 184 . 4. What Indulgence I Get to Have or Keep 1. 2. 4. 2. 3. What Indulgence I Get to Have or Keep 1. 4.

You will not only be a better person but also a better partner. negative situations unfold in paradoxical ways until there is only success. which means it is heading in two directions and wanting two different outcomes. and. Trust is using the power of the mind in a positive direction to bring truth to the situation. you may be wanting to love your partner and have a happy relationship.What I Have Felt Guilt About and How I Have Punished Myself 1. Your projected ‘bad guy’ shows your own guilt. Chapter 27 The Power of Trust This chapter introduces the healing power of trust. you may want to control and have things your way out of fear. your mind is split. This conflict within yourself naturally gives rise to conflict outside. 4. Conflict in Relationship If you are having trouble in your relationship. on the other hand. You can let the past go and embrace the gift instead. 3. Only seeing your own innocence and that of others will free you of feeling like a victim and judging others. For instance. There is no problem that trust cannot heal. When we trust. Key Insights: There are no bad guys – just people in need of help. If you feel innocent you do not judge. You may not believe Page 83 of 184 . you simply see that someone needs support. Love and Innocence will show you the way. 2.

It can be helpful to be aware of this because. you could ask your own creative mind to integrate all the conflicted parts of your mind at however many levels the conflict goes down in your mind. Trust the unfolding process. Trust yourself. either toward love or toward fear. your health. To trust is to put the power of your mind toward a positive outcome. When you find yourself in conflict. Exercising Trust Trust is a powerful healing tool. will give you confidence in the situation. You will know when this is complete because you will experience peace. When you trust. To worry about someone is a form of judgment out of ‘concern’ that is both an attack on them and on yourself. Trust that there will be a positive outcome in spite of how things appear. your partner and the outcome. success and relationship without any understanding of what is taking place. It employs the immense power of your mind to set things right. trust has the power to transform all that plagues us. Fear and worry are forms of attack and self-attack. which are built on judgment. Trust on the other hand. your partner and any other players in the situation. Today. the situation can unfold toward a positive end. otherwise. but it always takes two to fight. What a conflict shows you is that you are in conflict within yourself. the inner conflict keeps eating away at you. but trust brings the light. Things may look bleak. Trust is knowing that things will work out for the best in spite of how things look. As it states in A Course in Miracles. Page 84 of 184 . there is no problem trust cannot heal. make a choice to trust the situation to evolve to the truth so that a happy outcome may be experienced. To worry about someone out of ‘concern’ is to attack them with your own fear. Trust is a choice you make about how you will use your are the one fighting or instigating the fight. Like forgiveness.

which you thought would save you. Thus. There is no problem that trust cannot heal. you begin heading in a death direction. This split mind proved intolerable and so you projected out what you were antagonistic toward. On the other hand. which also comes about as the result of any separation. Every heartbreak you have had has been a way of attacking yourself. you will hide from yourself the realisation that you are attacking yourself. Every heartbreak you have is part of a fight with others and with yourself. your partner and your parents. Page 85 of 184 . All of your fear. You punish yourself for guilt. This self-attack stems from the original split in your mind when you. Self-attack is the number one problem in the world and most of us are blind to it. worry and every negative thing any partner has ever done to you was a way you used to attack yourself. When someone attacks or hurts you. having dissociated most of our feelings of unworthiness. When your self-attack and self-hatred reach lethal levels.) there are deep wells of self-hatred. it’s actually an expression of your own self-hatred. you have decided to like yourself less. what you had them do to you in the way of self-attack was very personal on your part against yourself. Naturally.Key Insights: Conflict in your life comes about as a result of your own inner conflict. guilt and self-hatred. it is not personal but is driven by patterns that have probably been inside them for a very long time. Trust is a choice you make about how you will use your mind. This has occurred to such an extent that within you (and all of us. Every time you have separated or lost bonding. you split off from your mind what you had judged about yourself. you see the world as antagonistic to you. began projecting out all that you judged in yourself. like everyone else. but where it is attacking toward you. To keep your ego identity intact. either toward love or toward fear. The Nature of Self-Attack It may surprise you to learn how destructive the dynamic of self-attack is. Everything the world or anyone has ever done against you has been a form of your own self-attack. Chapter 28 This Problem is a Form of Self-Attack In this chapter I show you how every negative situation reflects a place where we are attacking ourselves.

though. but it was your own self-attack that brought this event about. the decision to attack yourself was a mistaken decision that has exacerbated whatever occurred back there. Now you have the opportunity to free both you and them. If you feel you cannot muster love for yourself or anyone in that situation. what happened that began your self-attack was Page 86 of 184 . Now. and love supplies what was lacking. If more is needed because you have not allowed yourself to be in relationship with Heaven. This incident can be healed so profoundly that the whole situation can be transformed. then sit quietly and let yourself receive Heaven’s love for you and the people in the situation. These patterns can be transformed. This heals the fear-loss that led to that incident. go back and supply love to others and yourself in that situation. Ask yourself. You caught this problem. and I will present three different ways in which to do this. what went on that you decided to attack yourself… No matter what went on. Ask yourself if you were to know. Ask yourself if you were to know when you started attacking yourself in the way that led to the present circumstances or problems…. you would never use another to abuse or disrespect you. The first two healing methods are more of the mind while the last one is more of the spirit. you simply need to love yourself back at that time. A place of self-attack is any place where you have stopped loving yourself. if you were to know.Healing Self-Attack This problem. As others have the need supplied that led them to act in a negative fashion. Their negative behaviour came from lack. then let the love of anyone who has ever loved you come into that situation for yourself and the others. To change it. Whatever occurred indicated a place where you took in another’s lack of self-love. In other words. who was involved…. which is a vicious circle of guilt-self-attack–fear. then your healing becomes even more profound. will naturally cause you major relationship problems. You can do this same exercise again to transform the trauma that was antecedent to the one you just healed (transference). When you love and respect yourself. 1.

It may come off all at once if you are courageous or tired enough of the issue or it may come off layer by layer. it was at the age of… Repeat the same exercise as to generate wholeness where there was self-attack. as you heal the past. there is more love and bonding that remains to be embraced.actually part of a pattern that began earlier. If the problem is not fully healed. Key Insights: Every negative situation reflects a place where we are attacking ourselves. Share it with your partner. If you were to know when that began. When you embrace what is wonderful – the new gift or intimacy or miracle . you can go back restoring bonding to yourself and others. Page 87 of 184 . it is not personal but is driven by patterns that have probably been inside them for a very long time. It is not a solitary incident but the fruit of a whole tree. The extent to which the situation clears up is the extent to which you have accepted all that has been hidden under the compensation of the defence. When someone attacks or hurts you. 3. In this way. All problems are. Everything the world or anyone has ever done against you has been a form of your own self- attack. past problems and you can succeed to ever-greater heights and depths with your partner. Every problem and negative situation is a defence that is meant to hide something wonderful. No situation just happens. In which case. in truth. 2.the defence or symptom becomes unnecessary and is immediately released. Find what this present trouble hides and accept and receive it. Turn the symptom and the fear and self-attack generating it over to Heaven to be undone for you. Revisit the exercises in this chapter when you notice self-attack arising in your world. you simply turn it over again and again until you and your partner are at a whole new level of love. This exercise can be done every day to heal more situations that have contributed to the present one. This automatically generates more wholeness and love in your present situation.

Yet. it is one in which you have bought into an ego agenda instead of loving yourself. everything that happens to you serves a purpose for you. I had many mind-blowing experiences as I began to learn about the subconscious in my own personal and professional life. relationships and success have completely transformed as a result of my taking accountability for my life. You have denied and dissociated what you do not find acceptable in your thoughts and desires. dissociated and defended against which is what keeps us from finding and healing the real issue. it would be impossible for this to be occurring. If you were loving yourself. choices and intentions are relegated to the subconscious mind. After two years of counselling. The power of taking responsibility for your life It may seem hard for you to believe that you could be choosing the present situation if it is negative. This does not stop it from affecting you and affecting events in your life that seem untoward or even destructive. Everything serves a purpose for us as human beings. It continues the exploration of accountability and the subconscious factors always present in any problem. we do not realise that this is occurring. In truth. in any negative situation going on for you. the problem will only last as long as you give it power. Our tendency for self-destructive patterns is evidenced simply by looking at the nightly news. I offer you these insights so that you can heal your present situation. Your hidden patterns. You are a purposeful being and everything that is occurring in your life serves you in some way. As a human being.Chapter 29 How Does This Serve You? This chapter begins the exploration of the subconscious mind. But once you have experience with your own subconscious. Consciously. That was thirty-three years ago and each year I discover more. this self-attack becomes personal to us. You need not keep investing in it. In a relationship crisis. but it is also helpful to bring subconscious patterns into the light of day and make new decisions. You are the only one who Page 88 of 184 . Everything serves you This is an important lesson in understanding the nature of your own mind. We see that this is true once we begin to explore the dynamics of ego agenda that lead to our problems. My life. but it is your ego’s will. It was the beginning of a whole new way of thinking. These subconscious factors are denied. in negative situations. It is helpful to do this consciously. you will realise that it is a common occurrence. This is not your true will for yourself.

When you blame someone. let us pretend that you did want it to happen… How come? How could you possibly want that? How does it serve you? If you keep coming up with a blank. Page 89 of 184 . but for the sake of exploration. If you find where you have willed this present trap and change your mind. my relationship became more successful.can do this. This is not an exercise in changing the blame from your partner to yourself. Now I know that consciously you could never have wanted this to occur. Let us pretend that you wanted this relationship problem to happen. Exercise So. As each of these realisations took place. When I first began to help people with their relationships. you can change the situation and free yourself and your partner. if you are ready. It will help you immensely. let us begin. Guilt will not help at all. I believed that they were 50-50 in terms of responsibility. Finally. you will change your relationship and your world. you can examine other major problems in the past or present. of course. When you take responsibility. Blame and guilt are two weapons the ego uses to build itself and to keep the situation from changing for the better. work on your desire to know yourself and find what you have hidden away. you remain a helpless victim. Let us examine your primary relationship problem. with Heaven’s help. Later. Then I realised that they were 100-100. caught in a self-defeating pattern. I Realised that it was 100% my responsibility. The ego builds itself in problems and melts away in solution. while every situation is collusional because you are accountable. you can change it and acknowledge that.

There can be an easy birth to a new level rather than a traumatic one. Before you get started in this chapter. can you have true partnership and a happy relationship. Be brave. and it is time for you to take ownership of it. The chapter is presented as an exercise to find the roots of your biggest problems in relationship. It is the most powerful gift you have besides your love. people tend to change their numbers. realise that only if you both win. you will change your relationship and your world. Even if you agree with what you find hidden away. realise that whatever you have been trying to accomplish could be done easily. The only way to win back your power is to take responsibility for your life: if you find where you have willed this present trap and change your mind. gracefully and without pain. Chapter 30 Further Explorations of the Subconscious This is a chapter that delves further into the subconscious taking some of the biggest dynamics that are part of any problem and elucidating them.What does this situation allow you to do? What is it that you do not have to do because of this situation? Dwell and meditate on your situation. this is the time to choose what it is you really want. I ask you to write them down because in the face of deeper exploration. It is your mind. Secondly. and this will not be helpful. When answers do come to you and you fully own responsibility for these mistaken decisions. Page 90 of 184 . I want you to think of your biggest relationship problem and then choose five numbers between one to forty-four. Key insights: Everything that is occurring in your life serves you in some way. The ones you pick first are the most crucial ones. Imagine this is exactly what you want. Write these five numbers down.

Begin by asking your own higher mind for help. This is a simple but profound healing principle. listening to it in that relaxed state. Page 91 of 184 . Now is the time to discover what you have hidden away and to immediately give it to your higher mind. For instance. but there may be some here that are key for you. it can program you negatively. The subconscious does not hear ‘nots’ so unless you put a positive statement on one side or the other. these choices are made in a split second and repressed and some are even made below the level of your conscious mind. Do this forcefully. vividly and positively. you can transform the effects of your mistaken decisions. you can play your recording. You can do this by simply going into a relaxed. Your subconscious is neutral. Check out the five numbers that you chose against this list as your key dynamics for your present relationship pattern. meditative state and making choices for yourself. It already has all of the answers that you need. just before sleep or when you have wakened when the ego has least hold on you. Here are the forty-four key dynamics that are stopping you. whose job it is to transform problems for you. but you can program it positively. If you take full responsibility for any situation and immediately turn it over to your higher mind or Heaven to undo it for you. what is on your mind? You may even want to record your positive programming. Your subconscious is like a computer that you have programmed. it goes off in the direction toward which it was programmed. Every one of these dynamics is true for every problem. your partner and your relationship. Sometimes. if I ask you not to think of a white polar bear. Any time you are not consciously choosing the truth. so when you get into a relaxed state.

Holding On 11. Separation 42. Judgment 9. Page 92 of 184 . Fear of Commitment Of course. Self-Attack 28. Sacrifice 40. Testing 43. An Excuse 24. Attempt to fulfil a need 14. Withdrawal 7. Power struggle 31. there are many other dynamics. Rejection 19. Fear of Our Purpose 22. Negative Belief Systems 29.1. Fusion (lost boundaries) 20. Independence 13. Roles 38. Guilt 6. Fear of Your Relationship’s Purpose 23. Revenge 17. Martyring Yourself 12. Inner Conflict 39. Fear of loss 3. Taking 18. Controlling yourself or your partner or both 4. Here is a short explanatory exposition of the forty-four principles. Indulgence 25. Hiding 33. Shadow Figure 10. The Oedipus Conspiracy 21. My Way 36. some of which I shall address as we go forward. Grievance 8. Being Right 35. Authority Conflict 37. Complaints 15. Fear of a gift that the problem hides 5. Projection 44. Fear of the next step 2. Attempting to Prove Your Love for Someone 26. Family Roles 32. Transference 34. Need for Attention 41. Karma 16. Specialness 27. Competition 30.

Fear of a Gift Under every problem. Control The problem is an attempt to control another to do what you want or an attempt to control yourself out of fear you may go wild. You recognise the size of the gift by the size of the problem. as there is a thought that you will lose something precious to you if you do. 4. 5. you may want to go forward. 7.1. Fear of the Next Step There is a fear of going forward because of feelings of inadequacy and fear of not being able to handle the next step. Page 93 of 184 . which protects your hidden fear of going forward. but there is a hidden part of you that fears you will lose. but like blame and judgment. Withdrawal The problem is both a withdrawal and an excuse to withdraw even more. this problem could have never befallen me. 6. Grievances generate problems. 2. there is a wonderful gift. Control comes from fear and old heartbreaks. they come from your guilt. The size of the problem shows how big the next step is that the problem attempts to distract you from. Consciously. which is a defence or denial of the gift. Fear of Loss All fear comes down to a fear of loss. Grievance Every problem is a finger of accusation pointed at another stating. “If only you had not done this.” A situation of blame is at the root of all problems. Guilt Every problem is an attempt to pay off guilt. There is paralysis about going forward. 3.

Shadow Your partner has become a shadow figure for you. In this way. You chase others away by your taking and lack of self-value. At other times. in which case you will deny that the shadow has anything to do with you. 9. 13. 10. you are martyring yourself. Your perception coloured by your guilt perceives others as bad and deserving punishment. You may have compensated heavily for these self-concepts. Independence You attempt to dissociate a past loss by pretending you do not care. This may include many shadows. Neediness You are needy and attempting to make others responsible for your needs. Doing what you want and not being possessed by others has become a way of life for you. 12. Judgment Your judgment is the root cause of the problem. Page 94 of 184 . Holding On You are holding on to someone or something. 11. You have judged yourself. all of which are your own self-concepts. it is easy to Recognise that you act in the same way as your shadow figure and you will Realise it is your own projection. projected it out and rejected what you see of yourself in another. There is some loss you have not gotten over. repressed what you have judged. which keeps you from going forward and is secretly generating your problem. Martyring In an attempt to save someone. you separate from others and see yourself as superior.8.

Your suffering. 17. Fusion means you will have lost or blurred boundaries with another person. 16. 18. You excuse your preying on others because of your need or pain. Revenge The problem is an attempt to get back at someone for new and old hurts. Page 95 of 184 . This can be with a person in the present or from the past or both. Complaints Every problem is a complaint against another person or situation. Taking This problem is an attempt to take.14. It is part of a power play in which you sometimes make a problem into a weapon. though this may be dissociated. If the problem is big enough. It might be your partner’s behaviour. This has the effect of generating resistance. You may be getting revenge on people in the present and the past. it is a tantrum in which you emotionally act out or have a problem to get your way. Rejection The problem of whatever you are suffering comes from your refusal to accept. suffer as they do and not move forward. 15. hurt or problem covers a place where you are attempting to take from another out of your neediness. Fusion You are fused with another person instead of being bonded. hurt and even heartbreak. 19. Power Struggle The problem is an attempt to defeat someone. This makes you hold onto them. the situation or even yourself.

It stops intimacy and success. Indulgence You indulge yourself and your problem gives you permission to do this. Page 96 of 184 . generating deadness. it generates affairs. The Oedipus Conspiracy This is a trap set up to completely block your moving forward. Fear of Your Relationship Purpose You are afraid of how big the purpose of your relationship is. 21. 23. This may be a child or something that your love would create. It allows you to do something or gives you permission not to do something. You believe no one could expect anything of you given the nature of your problem. Indulgence is a self-prescribed solution to pain and sacrifice. emotional or sexual. revulsion or lack of sexual interest because of the original feelings of taboo. but it blocks receiving. It is one of the chief causes of major problems. Your indulgence may be physical. no relationships. Fear of Purpose This can set up very large traps or conspiracies that you use because you believe that you cannot handle your life purpose. and will sometimes cause you to direct your focus outside the relationship. 24. You promised that together you would bring some gift to life through your relationship. exhausts you and makes you feel guilty. Built on guilt. competition and lack of bonding from your original family.20. triangle relationships. It brings the transference of unresolved sexual feelings toward your family members onto your partner without conscious awareness. 22. This turns your sexual energy away from your partner. power struggles or complete deadness. leading to a vicious circle with sacrifice. gifts and purpose. Excuse You are using the problem as an excuse.

sacrifice and scapegoat (bad guy) are built on guilt. and they make you heavy and tired: living in a role in your relationship is like having a suit of armour between you and your partner.25. you believe that your suffering will prove how much you love another. You are making the relationship all about you. and it is at the root of all conflict. All negative situations and everyone involved in then reflect your negative belief systems about yourself. Negative Beliefs No negative solution could occur without your negative belief systems. 28. 26. These Page 97 of 184 . Roles Roles are compensations over feelings of guilt and failure that began with your original family. Specialness You are making yourself more important than your partner or your relationship. Self-Attack You are using the problem and the pain as a form of self-attack. 29. They lead to feelings of deadness and burnout. Competition Competition comes from lost bonding. These self-concepts are how you perceive and experience the world. Family Roles The core roles of hero. This problem somehow makes you special. 30. while the other two of Charmer-Clown-Mascot and Lost-Orphan-Invisible Child are built on guilt and inadequacy. They are doing the right thing for the wrong reason. as all beliefs are selfconcepts. 31. 27. Proving Your Love Through some misunderstanding. These roles have you give and not receive.

You are proving something that you believe and are invested in. Karma This problem is the result of a past pattern you set in motion through mistaken. 36. Most likely. Hiding Your problem gives you the excuse to hide. unloving behaviour. but its roots. Page 98 of 184 . If you pull a problem or weed up from its roots. 32. even though it is harmful to you. parents or God. 35. Transference All problems are from the past. 33. This could come from past relationships. My Way You are using the situation to get your way or have the carte blanche hereafter to do things your way. be small and not show up. Authority Conflict This problem is a fight.roles are forms of sacrifice that you live out in an attempt to save your family. They are unlearned lessons and old traumas that have festered and remained inside you. which is more important to you than yourself. 37. it is all of the above. an act of rebellion. 34. It could be your partner. You now have the opportunity to heal not only this problem. childhood or before. Being Right You are using the situation to show that you are right. You have transferred the past problem into the present. you get the whole thing. because of someone that is in a place of authority.

forgive yourself and decide whether you want to keep torturing yourself about this or you simply want to help your partner. One part of your mind feels it will lose or not have its needs met if you move forward the way another part of your mind wants. Testing The problem you have is one you are using to test your partner to see if they will respond correctly. Inner Conflict The outer conflict comes from an inner conflict. 40. loneliness and a lack of love on your part. Because of needs. and problems are wedges that keep the separation going. Page 99 of 184 . Sacrifice The problem is that you are in sacrifice. 39. the problems that are a call for help melt away. Separation Every problem comes as a result of separation. Separation breeds problems. Need for Attention You are using the problem to get attention. 43. it is time to own these back. You are giving but not including yourself in the giving or the receiving. 41. Where there is love and bonding.38. you are using the situation to try to get love. Projection You have projected parts of yourself that you have judged onto your partner and others in the situation. 42. Now. Your conflict keeps you afraid of moving forward.

The next step is always better. there is no more conflict between you and your partner. As you make these vital contributions to the relationship. It is another step on your stairway to Heaven.44. your partner will make equal contributions . The economy of a relationship is such that if you step forward. fickle. not judge or blame others. You have misconceptions given you by the ego in which you think you will lose your freedom. Once you become aware of these hidden dynamics. Fear of Commitment Because of your lack of self-inclusion and self-value. you can transform the effects of your mistaken decisions. We will go on to examine some of these principles in further chapters. you will be able to move past these blocks and achieve greater intimacy and success in your relationships. Your accountability makes it easy to forgive your partner and yourself. Forgive yourself for your traps and choose to step forward. which feels more focused. thus. your relationship and your family and open the door to receiving at greater levels. This leaves you doubtful. as you become willing to go forward. you give to both of you. All of your giving increases the bonding between you. especially your partner. Only your fear that it will not be better than now has stopped you both from moving forward. Page 100 of 184 . The truth is that you will lose independence but gain interdependence. freer and richer on inner and outer planes.usually in other areas. Key Insights: If you take full responsibility for any situation and immediately turn it over to your higher mind or Heaven to undo it for you. By understanding and forgiving yourself for the key subconscious dynamics described in this chapter. What you give to your partner. you can take accountability for the problem at hand and. you do not believe you or anyone is worth continuous attention. The next step will show itself to you. and they are lifted up to the next step as a result of the healing you accomplish. so you can have the solution rather than the problem. and afraid of partnership and intimacy.

you are in the realm of miracles. but you are so much more than your ego. Your responsibility empowers you and gives you more maturity. Your responsibility empowers you and gives you more maturity. Open. nature and Heaven. the way through is to take total responsibility for the situation as it is. Don't you love it when your partner is responsive to you?! And don't you love it when you feel responsive to your partner?! This is an effect of response-ability. It opens you to responsiveness from others. there is responsiveness to yourself and to your partner. which is what occurs when self-attack is gone. frank and loving communication can take place. and you do not need these problems anymore. do not hold onto it. you are just in a fight with others and yourself and you block grace.Chapter 31 Taking Responsibility This is a short chapter that uses a simple spiritual solution to any problem. which is Heaven's response to all of your problems. What do you have to lose but your problems! The ego needs these to build itself. This removes the blame and guilt that stops grace. Without blame and guilt. Key Insights: With any problem you are experiencing in your relationship or your life in general. This is a simple yet powerful method. Now is the time to bring it back. which is Heaven's response to all of your problems. If you take responsibility and immediately turn it over. but this gift and power have been repressed to the deepest part of the unconscious. You simply take total responsibility for the situation as it is. If you hold onto guilt and blame. Miracles are also your natural heritage. Once you have taken full responsibility for the situation. you are in the realm of miracles. Page 101 of 184 . If you take responsibility and immediately turn it over. tenderness and intimacy. Turn it over to Heaven immediately and to your own higher mind for resolution.

You would learn of your power to make a difference in life. Then you repressed that part and projected it out on the world. then your partner is the mirror of your mind. It may sound far-fetched and unlikely to you but try it out. the world and you. they saw their partner in a whole new light. You could practice this healing principle everyday with those around you. You might consider your partner to be the key part of your soul that you are trying to win back. You have projected your mind out onto the world. The anger and attack you see is yours. they are your own.Chapter 32 Healing Projection This chapter explores the nature of projection or how the mind deals with what we do not like about ourselves. I have seen this next exercise completely shift relationships that have been at odds and on the point of breakup. I have used this principle hundreds of times to great effect. If everything is a projection. also. actually. It goes on to show how we people the world around us with the projection of our self-concepts and how to transform these projections in a positive way. The gifts and greatness you see are your qualities. have so much self-judgment that you split off the part you judged. Fifteen minutes later. It helps you change the life in your partner rather than the partner in your life. it will make your life so much easier and will do wonders for your relationship. If you have a partner who is a life partner. This is the most helpful of principles to apply to a relationship. The negativity you see is your own. You. then there will be enough to unfold and heal for a lifetime. What you perceive is your projection. One woman attended one of my workshops in Germany and wrote a bestseller called Love Yourself and Marry Anyone. along with the rest of us. Healing your projections The principle of healing projection begins with taking responsibility for your perception. The separation in your mind between the part you identify with and the part you have distanced yourself from within is the distance between you and your partner. pretending it was not you. The principle I am presenting here is that you have the ability to change the characteristics and peccadilloes in your partner that drive you crazy because. though you are afraid of them and have judged them in some way. It would help them. You may win through both subconscious and unconscious differences and judgments until all that is left is sweet peace and the joy Page 102 of 184 .

family members. 11. 8. 1. This means that you have been acting in the right way. 12. Page 103 of 184 . See your partner with that quality and pull back the projection. I have never known this method to fail. 2. 7. Own it as your quality (which will be quite difficult if you have hidden this belief about yourself under a compensation. you can do it with ex-partners. But the most precious experience is being able to change a chronic fight or unhappiness that exists between you and your partner. 2. you never received it. 5. 1. Or perhaps you do both. 3. Ask yourself now how many similar self-concepts you have that are just like what you complained about in your partner. doing good that deserved a reward. people on the news.) Simply consider this quality to be one of your self-concepts. 3. To help you do this. Where there was any willingness at all.that comes of profound love. go to step three. 6. When you pull back the projection. Exercise The method is simple. At the same time. consider if you do the same thing that you have been complaining about in regard to your partner or quite the opposite . 4. gifts you have developed over a lifetime will begin to develop in your partner and vice versa. 10. Feeling terribly insulted that anyone would think you have this quality is a sure sign of a compensation.that you would rather die than ever do anything like that. et cetera. your experience changes and so reality changes for you and your partner. but because it was a compensation. Once you know the principle of healing projection. This principle alone has saved a number of marriages because when perception changes. Make a list of the qualities that really bother you about your partner. 9. people you work with.

It's a simple exercise that can have profound effect in your life if you use it to transform your negative perceptions and judgments. 6. Repeat this for all the qualities and see how your partner now looks to you. But first notice how you have been torturing yourself for these self-concepts. It shows how to heal from the effects of a partner’s affair whatever you choose to do. It is vital that you take responsibility for your perception and for your projections. but it is there. It may be buried. An affair can be viewed as a crossroads in the relationship. Chapter 33 Affairs This chapter explores what makes a partner have an affair in a relationship.4. If the situation somehow does not allow you to actually act this out then do this in your mind's eye. Your partner is simply a mirror of your own mind. Key Insights: Everything you see in your partner exists in you. Will you go forward or off in some other direction? This chapter deals with how to decide whether to go or stay if your partner has had an affair if you do not immediately know the answer. It also examines ways to heal if you are the one who had the affair. no matter whether you compensated for these negative qualities or acted them out at times. Go to your partner and embrace them. extending your love and help. An affair signals a lost opportunity to take a step forward in a relationship. Now comes the crucial question: Do you want to keep torturing yourself and keep the separation between you and your partner or do you simply want to leave all that behind and go help your partner? You will either help them or there will be judgment and suffering for both of you. 5. Page 104 of 184 .

I was. so I wanted to be able to have dispensed with affairs before I got married.” I realised that I was getting more and more dissociated and less able to enjoy anyone. there is the risk that Page 105 of 184 . My curiosity was piqued. pain. I simply brought this energy back to my partner and enjoyed a deepening in our relationship. my marriage and my partner. I did not fall for the temptation but kept my energy focused on my partner. but I trusted myself enough to be true and never wanted to do anything to hurt my wife or my own integrity. I enjoyed the connection and friendship with the new person. The glamour of the single life no longer attracted me. and I found it. I had many partners. I did a lot of research in temptation. but afterwards follows the drama. I have never seriously considered having an affair. I lived the epitome of the single life. I then watched with amazement as my girlfriend developed the very quality of openhearted tenderness in the next two weeks that I had been tempted with outside the relationship. They seem so exciting. Then. I have certainly received in return from the devoted love of my wife. I had worked with hundreds of adult children whose parents had had affairs and never wanted my children or my wife to suffer that. This knowledge was a great help in my marriage. What I have given. I had been down that path. fighting and disillusionment. of course. and I was open and honest with all my partners about the fact that I was dating other people. returning my energy to my partner. Instead. I originally thought the purpose of a temptation was to fall for it. I was at least honest enough with myself to realise my state of dissociation and dysfunction. and it has never failed to work when applied. guilt. I gave up on monogamous relationships. During this time. one I had hope I could get through the Dead Zone with. The Nature of Affairs Affairs can be casual or passionately driven. I kept pouring myself wholeheartedly toward my wife. During my independence. My partner soon developed the very quality I had been tempted by. hidden and dangerous. During my marriage while I have been tempted by the attractiveness of others. It was during this time that I realised that my best chance for happiness was in a committed relationship and that it was time to look for a lifetime partner. One time again for research purposes. for the most part. But after five years of “research. always with the same results. which then lasted much longer than most of my affairs. the independent partner and suffered the attractions and temptations of that position. I wanted to be true to myself. and I wanted a better way. and I studied this phenomenon the next few times I was tempted.My experience At one point during my bachelor days because I had not learned the way through the Dead Zone in relationships. I wanted something that was of defining depth in a relationship.

On the other hand. I have seen spouses be blasé about their partner’s affairs. which is actually making love to your partner by joining them wherever they are emotionally. his Page 106 of 184 . Fear of the Next Step An affair represents a lost opportunity. I have seen affairs spark a new beginning in communication that led to a whole new stage of commitment in the relationship. not being able to dress. I have seen affairs be a part of fights and other times be desperate attempts to get out of the deadness in one’s life and relationship. seemingly more exciting. This first stage is so engaging that if you are not ready to advance to the second stage in sex. I have seen affairs in which one partner used the affair to signal the end of the relationship. On the other hand. feed himself or go to the bathroom without help. The second stage is more of a challenge. Unless you have previously disconnected your heart and genitals. reaching back and valuing your partner to create another honeymoon. For the most part. attraction and the call of forbidden fruit. stage of sex. and it re-links your heart and sex. bringing in wood for stoves and fireplaces. If you have not been a good partner when you are the independent one. Part of the attraction of an affair comes from the unwillingness to let sex unfold into all of its states in marriage. though. Yet. you keep trying to return to that first. being with someone in a sexual manner when you had usually been warned for years to stay away from it. then your partner will tend to be equally independent when the control shifts. Then he broke both his arms and was in a cast across his whole upper body. they can be lessons from which both partners quickly learn and move on. Societal warnings. but because of fights and power plays. I have heard the story of a husband who was extremely independent. pain and romance. Affairs can be so heartbreaking that some people choose not to recover from them for a lifetime. He was a woodsman.everything that you have built up in your relationship and possibly in your career will be lost. Needless to say. then they continue to look for the thrill of ‘the forbidden fruit’ and affairs seem to provide this. your ego presents a temptation to split your mind. while the dependent partner is the one who feels more of the need. segregation of the sexes. You do so by seeking what is kinky or forbidden and affairs bring back all the attraction-excitement of the forbidden. sex at the beginning of relationships is full of excitement. the independent partner is the one who feels tempted. and I have seen murderous or suicidal rage on the part of other partners. the balance may shift fairly often as to who is the independent partner. if people are not ready to take that step forward in intimacy. build up a lot of energy. The independent partner feels more dissociated. Just as a relationship is about to take the next step forward.

so it offers what you were missing outside the relationship.wife. When a relationship changes position as to who is independent and in control. Committing to Equality It is important for both partners to remember to commit to equality. it is the most dangerous time in the relationship. While a partner’s unfaithfulness can be devastating during any period of a relationship. and I was blindly and blithely caught in it. This is usually the time when the ego offers this quality to you in the form of another relationship. Falling for a temptation splits your mind and can tear you apart with guilt as times goes on. I was also reliving many of my childhood heartbreaks. Through this heartbreak. I have found that the most devastating part of these heartbreaks were the lost dreams. it is often because your partner is about to develop one of the qualities you have been complaining that they could not offer you. in spite of your dissociation to begin with. the affair is a last straw. These shattered dreams centred around the relationship and who you believed your partner to be as your true love. The ego does not want the new step in intimacy and success that would occur if you kept your energy focused on your partner. it allowed me to forgive and be free. Temptation as a distraction When a relationship finally has the chance for a breakthrough. I probably would not Page 107 of 184 . I have seen people be quite independent from the time they were a child only to become very dependent at the end of their lives seemingly in an effort to balance themselves out. it especially seems to have a devastating effect at the beginning of relationships before you have learned much about them or about the crucial lesson of independence-dependence where so much heartbreak can occur. you shift into dependency to balance yourself out. This builds and strengthens the ego. The pattern was set long before I met my girlfriend. The heartbreak during that time was so intense I could just barely stand the pain without doing something self-destructive. Many times. Sometimes. Early on in my first real relationship when my partner (who was the independent one) was unfaithful. I was devastated and brokenhearted. the amount of my emotional dependency matched her lack of sexual integrity. as this is the easiest time for a break-up. As I look back on it. I realised at that point in relationships that if I did not become an expert on relationships. set up as the excuse to break up the relationship or so that the heartbroken person can be angry enough to win back the control and independence from their partner. As I understood how I had used those incidents to become the independent one. now in the independent position was as unresponsive to his needs as he had been to hers.

a couple from Long Island. It’s the story of Goldie and Abie.” Then Goldie beams as she says. do you know all that money you left for me on the dresser. “Please. leave a little something for me on the dresser. In short. “Abie concedes. regret. who get married. “You’re my wife.” “Abie. health. Goldie says to Abie.survive them. if I had known that. “Abie. “Abie. I saved it all and we can get a house instead of a cottage. and he looks in Goldie’s eyes and says. I have just enough money for us to get a little cottage to retire to. emotions. if you love me. Choosing to invest in your relationship There is an old joke about affairs that contains the essence of what an affair is. every time we ‘do it. On their wedding night in their first blush of love. “Damn. “After forty years of work.” Abie jumped up and exclaims. You could split your mind with idle wishes of fantasy. Abie is retiring.” Goldie intervenes. As a result of my girlfriend’s affair. I don’t have to leave something for you on the dresser. guilt. I would have invested all of my money in you!” There is a lot of potential energy that you could invest in your relationship. Forty years later. and selfdefeating patterns. Page 108 of 184 . I began to heal my relationships and my childhood pain. it is an opportunity lost that could have generated more healing. but if your energy is going someplace else entirely. I began to learn about heartbreak. happiness and abundance. loss of integrity or you could build something of lasting value.” “Oh. all right.’ would you leave a little something for me on the dresser?” “What!” shouts Abie.

Should I stay or should I go? There are other aspects of affairs that I will review in the later chapters of Dead Zone and Oedipus. You begin to develop some gift or ability they have. There may be children involved. Just keep going forward. But for now let us return to the matter at hand. Will you keep building the relationship or will you give up. you build another line of bonding between you and your partner. putting the affair in perspective. there is more love and peace invested in your relationship. it is important for you to clear away some or all of the pain before you can see the answer to this question clearly. and they develop some gift of yours. Your soon to be ex-partner will remain a friend. possessions. All of this energy could be focused and invested in your partner. you are simply saving up the pain for later. then the answer will be evident without you even having to make a decision. These are all considerations to examine before deciding whether to leave or stay with your partner. As you heal. seeing the affair as a sign that you have been going in the wrong direction? Sometimes. You must decide whether you want to continue in the relationship and if it is still worth it to you. Page 109 of 184 . and they will always remain on your team karmically. An affair in a relationship is a crossroads. and you can build something deep and meaningful over a lifetime. If you keep healing and going forward without getting stuck on any particular emotion. If you recognise that it is the end of the relationship and you have done your healing homework. The healing transforms the pain that had been hidden under the affair into learning and wisdom! But if you dissociate and go independent instead of dealing with your pain either by leaving or wresting the control of your relationship into your hands. Every time you step forward. overwork. you both begin to develop another entirely new gift. As they progress in maturity. Let us imagine that you are the one whose partner had the affair. Each step forward lessens the pain. shopping. you will leave amicably without this relationship or affair holding you back. you will progress and vice versa. With every heartbreak. Then as a result of that bonding and its corresponding step forward.Your energy can be indulged and lost in so many ways – pornography. a springboard to a much better relationship or simply the end of the relationship. If you keep going forward and do not stay stuck in the pain. On the positive side for staying is all that you have invested in the relationship already. healing and growth. there could have been a honeymoon instead as reward for your new learning. then you will know if this affair was just a digression on the way to happiness. fantasy.

This will be a step sideways to get control and have your partner not be as important to you. It represents a form of self-attack and self-punishment on your part for some old. Sometimes. First of all. Ask yourself how old you were when the root of the self-attack began. If your partner has had an affair. untrue guilt. Your partner's affair represents either a fight or expresses an ego attempt to deal with the deadness in the relationship in a way that will only lead to more problems. Give up blame. powerful. anger and hurt are surreptitious ways to hold on and holding on is part of the problem. People who have a strong spiritual connection can turn layer after layer of their emotions over to Heaven until there is only love again. They are your emotions. take responsibility for what has happened.Steps to Heal Affairs If your partner has had an affair 1. Only by taking responsibility can you be innocent. and it is a psychological dead end. transforming yourself and your relationship with a new and better way. Keep moving through of your emotions by either feeling them through until you get to peace or by letting them go. 3. then you are in a dependent position. This affair represents your and your partner’s fear of intimacy and the next step in relationship. and they will either hold you back or as you heal them. Commit to equality. Who was there? What was going on when you began to attack yourself? What was going on when you decided you should punish yourself? Page 110 of 184 . Commit to the next stage in your life and relationships. This is always the true direction to head in. Take responsibility for your position as the dependent one. What you want to do is heal your emotions and the relationship. your heart will become even more alive and you will open to a more successful level in relationships. It is always better. attack and self- attack or you will not move forward. Devaluing your partner devalues your relationship and yourself. The answer is not to move into the independent position. 2.

What was the gift that you have inside that would free everyone? Open up that gift and share it with everyone in that incident. as you heal the past to make yourself more whole and confident in the present. What gift did you bring in to free everyone? Open up this gift and share it with everyone there. Now bring this positive feeling up through your whole life. ask yourself how old you were when this emotion began. ask yourself what gift you brought in to heal everyone's self-attack. which is exactly what occurred. if was at the age of. You caught the negative emotion of the people in that situation who were with you. 4. In the situation regarding your self-attack. Now bring that positive energy up through the rest of your life. Share it with everyone in this situation. Now.. The alternative to helping everyone with this gift is to catch the self-punishment yourself. ask yourself in the situation regarding self-punishment what gift you brought in to heal everyone. See yourself back at that time before any negativity occurs and open up this gift. Page 111 of 184 .. 5. If you are in pain. Bring the positive feeling up through your life from that time until now.How old were you when you decided you should punish yourself? Who was there? This was a mistake in both incidents. This exercise can be repeated a number of times a day.. Ask yourself if you were to know where the root that led to this affair began for you in your life. Go back to that incident. Who was involved at that time? What was it that occurred if you were to know. feeling unloved or needy..

burn-out and lack of satisfaction for anyone... as it becomes an expectation which hides demands. Bring this love and happiness through your life instead of the negative pattern. And what was going on was probably something like. Page 112 of 184 . even if it is positive. needs and brings about stress. See how this changes the situation. Now help everyone else in that situation do the very same thing.. Now.And who was there when it began was probably. as you did back there. back at this beginning place you can receive God's love and His Will for you for total happiness.. Deciding you have to do something. What did you decide about yourself as a result of this incident? What did you decide about life? About Relationships? About men? About women? And about sex? What did you decide you would have to do from then on? You could decide to let all those beliefs go and choose what you want to believe now instead. You could also choose what you want to do instead of what you have to do. is self-defeating.

but it is there. In telling them. Some partners feel that it is extremely indulgent on their partner’s part to tell them and have them suffer so much. I suggest that they commit to the truth and to the next step where the answer to this question awaits them. and. everyone knows when their partner is having an affair. By indulging yourself. they feel that it is as indulgent as their partner having the affair in the first place. you give the bit of the ego which would have melted away between you. It is a very important question for your relationship. You may be so dissociated that you do not seem to feel the guilt of the affair. Don’t be trapped by your guilt: forgiveness is the only way through The guilt from the affair may be driving you to distraction. but that is your responsibility to heal. It looks like you don’t care very much about your partner. You may be so independent that you do not really care enough about your partner. but it is crucial not to compound it by holding onto guilt. you may be asking the important question of whether or not to tell your partner. which will either cause you to use guilt to try to control yourself or to hide the guilt by having another affair or continuing the present one. At some level. What I suggest to people who come to me with this question as to whether to disclose this to their partner. If you have had an affair If you are the one who had the affair. Your guilt reinforces the mistake. I also suggest that they ask for a sign so clear that they could not mistake the answer but know exactly what is best to do for everyone. You do not learn the lesson with guilt. You may have made a mistake. To let go of the guilt is to learn the lesson and allow more love and relatedness to develop with your partner. a reprieve. Just as the affair was a lost opportunity to reach a new level of intimacy. so is the guilt. But some partners absolutely do not want to hear about their partner’s indiscretions. but the guilt you hold onto afterwards can prove to be a wall between you and your partner for ever after. My own predilection is to get everything out in the open so you see what is being dealt with and it's all above board. Forgive yourself and everyone involved in your current situation. but they choose not to bring it up to their conscious awareness. to see if there are other roots for you. so you act in a selfish way. you do not care about Page 113 of 184 . even a very big mistake. sometimes to break up the relationship. Some feel it would force them to act.You can repeat this exercise. These are ego solutions that simply will not work and will lead you in the wrong direction. though you seem indulgent.

you will never have any fulfilment in spite of how many partners you have. you make an emotional mess with an affair in an attempt to win back some ability to feel or you become more independent and continue to dissociate. just as a relationship is about to take the next step forward.yourself that much either. Your best chance for happiness is in a committed relationship. You will most likely find roots in guilt. Commit to equality with your partner Choose to invest in your relationship If you do not commit to yourself and your life. If you are caught in a triangle and cannot decide what to do or which partner to choose. I suggest you go directly to the Commitment chapter 34. Both of these alternatives head you in the wrong direction and away from life. page 115. Now. Page 114 of 184 . you cannot enjoy what you have. When you meet someone you are attracted to. Do the exercise about where the root of the affair began. It is time to commit to yourself and your life or you will never have any fulfilment in spite of how many partners you have. This will not fill that place within you that feels empty. Only healing or true love will do that. Affairs are a sure sign that you are looking for love in all the wrong places. review the exercises in the section just before this one. Sometimes. Your need for love has turned into a quest for specialness or ego-love. to springboard yourself forward in your relationship. Your independence and dissociation will need to be transformed if you ever hope to have a successful relationship. heartbreak and feeing unloved. If you have made a mistake. With dissociation. and Oedipus chapter 39. it is time to build treasure in and through your relationship. Instead of collecting trinkets. It is time to heal yourself and correct the mistake. your ego presents a temptation to split your mind. you can use it in a true way to learn from. These are emotions for which you will typically have dissociated and compensated. page 128. You cannot really feel yourself or your partner. it is because. for suggestions that I have seen work numerous times. Key Insights: An affair is usually a crossroads point in the relationship.

you are raised to a new level of partnership. As you give yourself fully in spite of the fear. courtesy of the Page 115 of 184 . The power of commitment Commitment is a crucial element in any successful relationship. there will be other occasions where you are called to commit and recommit. intimacy and success. It is our lack of self-value and our inability to value others that leads to the fear of commitment. Commitment shows you what is true Commitment brings the truth. Partnership bonds you. there can be as much as three hundred to three thousand lessons. guilt or blame. you will have an easier time when the next problem or issue shows up. there is no pain. it will fall into perspective. not just to get you through the step that is troubling you. depending on whether you have a passionate or a compatible relationship. It has the power. it is like flying over the whole mountain range of problems. In any stage of relationship.Chapter 34 Commitment This chapter explains both the power and necessity of commitment for a long-term relationship. but to do so with ease and grace. Commitment is not like climbing over a mountain of a problem. making everything easier and giving you both focus and freedom. Though you will always continue to deepen your learning. So if you commit to a partner who is not true for you. commitment helps you learn whatever lesson is before you. but the reward for succeeding at a whole new step. As you progress forward. The passionate relationship has a bigger Power Struggle Stage. It is choosing your partner totally. Commitment is the wholehearted giving of yourself. The honeymoon that occurs as the result of commitment is not just the one you get for a single problem. consideration or traps. I know of passionate couples who have been together over thirty years and not succeeded in getting past the Power Struggle Stage. When that occurs. and the compatible one has a bigger Dead Zone Stage. and having learned the lesson. they typically say goodbye in the next week or so. it will save you a great deal of time and get you through chronic problems with ease. Whatever issue is there will no longer be right in your face. If you learn it.

the relationship ends naturally in innocence for all concerned. commitment brings the parents back together. so the extent to which you commit is the extent to which your partner will do the same. the levels of partnership that unfold are absolutely worth it. even thousands. willingness and love. When you have valuelessness. Commitment changes all that. Commitment is the realisation that it is what you give in a relationship that makes you happy and allows both you and your partner to keep growing and unfolding. All problems have their roots in need and judgment. and more allegiance to yourself. Through commitment. As I have explained in previous chapters what occurs in a relationship is always equal. You have been moved up to a new stage. of these potential conflicts that are in you or your partner’s mind. no one feels guilt. Commitment. understanding. They bring beauty. then. neither you nor your partner nor your children. and if it is no longer true to be with this partner. you feel that neither you nor anyone is worth continuous attention. your partner stops growing and you stop being happy. if there are any. Where you supply the need to your partner through commitment. There are tens of thousands of symptoms that come up in a relationship. can be healed by giving yourself fully to your partner and the relationship. which is bent on getting what it can while staying as far away from your partner as possible. you move past judgment. Doing this will allow you to reach the ever-higher rewards that relationships bring. Because of the greater bonding brought about through commitment. your partner and your relationship. When you stop giving to your partner. While it takes courage to commit. If you think you are committed Page 116 of 184 . Hundreds. there is love and success with ease. But in some cases. There is less allegiance to the ego. In most cases with children. Commitment as a way to value yourself The fear of commitment really has to do with feelings of unworthiness.principle of commitment. the dissolution of the relationship at the new level occurs swiftly and in a friendly manner for all concerned. As a result of commitment. you are shown that it will no longer serve you or make you happy to continue together. It allows you to value yourself and your partner and brings a sense of peace and inner adventure. is not a one-time thing but something that is called for continuously. Commitment heals the fighting and withdrawal of Power Struggle and the deadness and exhaustion of the Dead Zone. and the problem and its hidden fear melt away in the love that comes as a result of the giving.

they occur not because you have not given to your partner. Make a list of all the things you appreciate about your partner. Key Insights: Commitment is the wholehearted giving of yourself. If your partner is failing at some level. It brings with it the opportunity for even greater commitment and more bonding. Remember the love and feelings of possibility at the beginning of your relationship. This giving forth is a forgiveness. there is nothing that can withstand its power. This is the most precious gift you have. which is a powerful form of love. it is giving yourself fully. Yet. Commitment is one of the great timesavers. Dwell on this for awhile. 3. this dependency masquerading as commitment goes back and forth between partners with first one wanting to get married and then the other. Page 117 of 184 . Where there is a problem. Commitment in not just giving fully. many times. Continuously applied. they may seem like the last person you want to commit to. There is no problem that commitment cannot transform because it brings truth. when you do. Exercise 1. When issues arise. commitment will heal it. Your giving supplies the need that the problem is a compensation for. Concentrate on mustering all of your will into the choice to give yourself fully to your partner once more. 2. only commitment will have the results of moving you forward to the next stage. but because now the next issue has arisen between you. direction and freedom with ease. they are starving for you and only true giving of yourself without any ulterior motive will succeed. you have dependence masquerading as commitment. and only when you do. and it is a key to relationship and all other success. Whenever there is difficulty.and your partner is independent. your commitment is the antidote. your perception changes and they get better. Commitment always moves you forward Commitment. is paradoxical because whenever you are feeling negative or judging your partner. Commitment shows you what is true. Sometimes. Choose your partner once more wholeheartedly. No matter what you call it.

when you get to the Dead Zone. the more he just had this puzzled look on his face. opened my heart and said I was sorry. an apology can make a big difference in a relationship. you infringed on your partner. you actually reinforce the mistake. but if you take on guilt and beat yourself up. I stood about six steps away from her. to go over and hold her. she was wailing. Page 118 of 184 . The power of apology Offered sincerely. By the fifth step. The more I talked. It acknowledges that you are responsible. you are the heroic. looked in her eyes. When he began saying he was sorry at first quietly and then louder. Then you neither learn the lesson nor make the necessary change to remedy the situation in order to come closer to your partner. An apology that is not sincere is totally worthless. who still had a confused look on his face. he was frequently insensitive to his wife’s feelings. you will teach your partner that you cannot be trusted and your word will have less and less value. If you are insincere regarding your apology and do not mend your ways. looked in her eyes. Being dissociated. Chapter 35 Apology This chapter speaks of how the power of an apology sincerely offered can make a difference in our relationships. independent partner or if. and that in some way. Then I took another step closer to her. she just sobbed in release as he held her and apologised. By the third step and apology. I was once in a Relationship Workshop in Switzerland. she burst into tears. So to demonstrate. then you can make a real difference to your partner by apologising. and I was explaining the power of apology to the man in a young couple. He was obviously the independent one. I signalled to the husband. It simply acknowledges that you made a mistake. If you are the dissociated. Commitment always moves you forward.Commitment is the realisation that it is what you give in a relationship that makes you happy and allows both you and your partner to keep growing and unfolding. “rock” type. opened my heart and apologised. An apology is not an excuse for a mistake.

) If you sincerely apologise to your partner for what you think they did to you. Chapter 36 Giving to Your Partner This chapter explains how true giving builds your relationship and dissolves problems at the same time. You may not think that you could ever have done that to them. you may want to apologise to everyone you may have wronged. If you sincerely apologise to them for what you think they did to you. satisfying yourself and opening the door to receive love. inadvertently or otherwise. Let us take the example of an affair your partner may have had. you might try apologising to your partner for what you think they did to you. but if you apologise with any sincerity: “I’m sorry I was faithless to you and disregarded you and your feelings. It explores the concept of soul gifts that we brought in to help our partner and our relationship. “I’m sorry you had a rough day. Someone cannot be unfaithful to you unless you were faithless to them. If you are devoted to your partner. you will give to yourself at the same time. It is an excellent way to move beyond conflict and competition. they will be devoted to you. but remember how everything is equal.Even when something happens to your partner that is not directly your responsibility. Once you realise the power of apology. Page 119 of 184 . (Remember: an apology that is not sincere is totally worthless. For example.” you will feel the truth of your words. For extra credit. you will feel and know the truth in your apology. your apology is a way to express being sorry for what happened to them.” expresses your love and tells your partner that it matters to you what kind of day they had. you will feel and know the truth in your apology. By apologising you move through the collusion. You may have had no affair. Key Insights: Apologising in a true way is a powerful act and can make a real difference to your partner. Think of what you would like to apologise to your partner for and share that. If you concentrate on giving to your partner.

which only leads to pain. Page 120 of 184 . you can do this easily. while making each other happy and enriching each other’s lines. you could give your partner your pain. which is the opposite of sacrifice. in truth. It meant: “I would trust you with my life. Giving brings wholeness Every time you give. you will typically have used up all these gifts. you give love. To give your old wounds to your partner is to no longer value them more than your relationship. your partner and your relationship value. enjoying each other in the good times. when your partner is suffering or has problems. In truth. after a year or two. your relationship and your own personal development. This gives you. When your partner is sick.Once you give up trying to get or take from your partner. which causes you to devalue yourself. This advances your partner. they are asking for help. they are asking for your love because they do not have the strength to love themselves. You resisted the temptation to respond to your partner lovelessly when they called for help. the greatest compliment they could give you was: “I’d want you to be in my foxhole. and they are asking for your help specifically. When I worked with the Marines in their drug rehabilitation program. If you remember God and if you remember that He is there to help you.” This implied that before anyone could get to their back. This helps your partner and avails you of help when you need it. your partner and the relationship. you would have to no longer be alive. of course.” Imagine this as the goal of your relationship and from there you could set your sights on joining so completely in love that you enter the mystic state of union. When your partner is acting any other way than lovingly. your trauma and your misery. This concentration on devoted giving builds both your and your partner’s wholeness. Most people find that. This gives your relationship a new level of trust and relatedness to your partner in favour of greater partnership. which opens the door to Heaven. you can consciously build and improve your relationship. Your partner will not get better unless you give to them. Yet. You will move out of the central position and into equal partnership. they have been more attached to their past than to their partner. Next. This is what partnership is: helping each other. most of which is buried inside. These are both helpful and attractive. Giving your gifts All your life you have developed gifts so that you could give them to your partner. I would let you cover my back as I covered yours.

but your relationship will lead and inspire others.your painful past has been used for dissociation. It will give people hope so that they know that successful relationships can occur. in any situation where there is a problem. Ask yourself what gift you brought in for your partner to help heal this situation. This is the kind of exercise that you can do daily for yourself and your partner. At a certain point when enough partnership has developed in your relationship. This is when your relationship will give to and inspire others. you have brought in soul-level gifts to help heal and transform your partner. Now. stillbirths and miscarriages have in common. As you offer these to your partner. You can also ask for any gifts Heaven has for your partner and receive and share those with your partner. It presents an exercise to heal the long-standing guilt. namely that each one reveals a place where a self or selves died of emotional trauma when we were young. quiet your mind. I will no longer let this be between us. I will get over this for your sake as well as my own. Imagine yourself opening a door in your mind behind which this gift awaits you. This chapter explores how the occurrence of each of these represents a crossroads in the relationship. Key Insights: Your partner will not get better unless you give to them. fights or deadness in the relationship. I will no longer be closer to my wound than to you. also. Chapter 37 Abortions. You have brought in soul-level gifts to help heal and transform your partner.” Finally. You are unaware of this when you are caught up in problems. independence and control. Page 121 of 184 . pain and self-destructive pattern that began when we were young. Share these with them. not only will you and your partner become leaders. it is like saying: “I will no longer use this to hold myself back. Stillbirths and Miscarriages This chapter explores the aspect that abortions. Embrace it and share it with your partner energetically. it can be used as a gift. Whenever your partner is caught in a problem.

it will generate a positive future. I found that many of them reported at first being blasé about getting an abortion. abortions and miscarriages are a crossroads for your relationship. their men felt totally free. the ego and the higher mind will never agree. though at times. By the way. and in some instances. this occurs either with relationships that have been just drifting along or ones that have been moving forward with great intensity. they signal a crossroads in a relationship. then listen clearly to what the ego is offering you in return for following its path and then to what your higher mind is offering to go up its path of relationship. stillbirth or miscarriage. As we healed these original experiences. ask yourself if you were to know where the bad feeling began that generated this situation. The Crossroads If stillbirths.When abortions. there was typically much greater pain involved in abortions and stillbirths than in miscarriages. the guilt of the abortion and the trauma dissolved. stillbirths and miscarriages occur. because of shattered dreams. we always ended up returning to a childhood trauma in which their self or a number of selves had died out of shock or pain. In the crossroads is a question: Is it worth it to me to go forward or have I had enough in this relationship? Healing guilt In my experience. if you have suffered an abortion. miscarriages can generate an equal level of pain. Exercise Next. stillbirth or miscarriage. It was almost as if the abortion was trying to remind them of the self they had lost earlier in life. which is only interested in winning and getting its own way and sooner or later you will pay the price. in spite of what the ego might say to the contrary. In every one of these cases. it was probably… Page 122 of 184 . there began a pattern of guilt and selfdestructiveness as a result of the self that died. stillbirth or miscarriage. If you follow your higher mind. which later culminated in the abortion. it probably began when you were at the age of… If you were to know who was present when the trauma occurred that led to the abortion. When I first began working with women who had had abortions. and the women. Will you go on or will this be the end of the relationship? Most of the time. If you follow your ego. As I worked together with them to put this experience into perspective as a lesson learned. but later thoughts about the abortion came back to haunt them with pain and guilt.

it was probably around… Next. reconnecting wires in your heart and mind. Next. it will generate a positive future. All of these situations come about as a result of a ‘self’ that died when you were young. Key Insights: Abortions. it was probably… If you were to know how many selves died at that point. What was that gift or gifts… Imagine yourself back there.If you were to know what happened when this pain began. Love them until they grow to your present age. opening up the gift before the trauma occurs and then sharing that gift energetically with all of those people back in that situation. If you follow your higher mind. Page 123 of 184 . look at that earlier scene and realise that you took on the bad feelings of everyone in that situation. stillbirths and miscarriages represent a crossroads in a relationship. Your gifts allow you to redeem others rather than investing your energy in guilt and self-crucifixion. Abortions. stillbirths and miscarriages are indicative of a pattern of self-destructiveness that needs healing and can be transformed now. This will free up the situation and allow you to bring the good feeling up into the present situation. The only alternative is to share with them the soul-level gift you brought in to save them from themselves. The key healing dynamic in these situations are to bring the self back to life and dissolve the old guilt that set a pattern leading to the present situation. You can choose which path to take at the crossroads. imagine yourself taking those dead selves in your arms and blowing the sacred breath of life into them so they come alive. Then they will melt into you.

This stage can wreak havoc on a relationship. Primarily. family. support and resourcefulness. work Page 124 of 184 . hiding feelings of guilt. Attempting to set boundaries against such deep patterns is bound to lead to further dissociated independence. sex. makes it an act of sacrifice rather than a true act of giving and receiving. this alone will not work because you are dealing with a family pattern that is subconscious and an ancestral pattern that is unconscious in origin. emotionally and psychologically. failure. You give but do not receive because you still believe in your guilt. is that emotional and sexual deadness can be quite pervasive and exhausting. To do something because you are supposed to rather than because you choose to.Chapter 38 Dead Zone This chapter reveals the third stage of relationships and what brings deadness to a relationship sexually. failure and unworthiness. which is the problem in the first place. The first stage of the Dead Zone is made up of roles. Getting through the Dead Zone With the Dead Zone comes sacrifice. Most of the time. The upside of this stage is its steadiness. Roles are used as a compensation to prove you are good. people in this stage work very hard but sometimes a person is lazy instead of busy as a way to compensate because of their fear of dealing with their buried beliefs and emotions. fusion and co-dependency. Roles lead us to do the right thing but for the wrong reason. hiding guilt and feelings of failure. It presents nine ways to heal and transform the Dead Zone and its separation. It explains how the ego uses the Dead Zone to keep us from partnership and success in order to build itself. especially for compatible couples. It can be so boring that if you do not know what is going on or how to get past it. What is necessary is the fine balance of being responsive to your partner. The down side of this stage. While setting boundaries can be helpful in getting through these traps. This is where you act out of recipes rather than authenticity. rules and duties. you can easily stay stuck in these emotional and sexual doldrums until the relationship dies out of ennui. This means that you act out of roles. Is your relationship in the Dead Zone? The Dead Zone is the third stage of relationships after the Romance and Power Struggle Stages. this stage is a compensation. It explores the trap of compensation and roles and how they began as children in our efforts to save our families. competition and fear.

each one can be as big as a normal stage of growth in a relationship. This can save a great deal of time and give you a sense of success. But it is also a great deal faster to use the healing principle of commitment to transform each major step in the Dead Zone Stage. and while this step does not contain power struggle. partnership. more complicated. balance. a new aliveness comes into the relationship. ease. Steps through the Dead Zone There are a number of steps in the Dead Zone. which is where. Most people are quite frightened of the unconscious because of the depth of the issues and the power of the emotions at this level of the mind. The Dead Zone is an ego defence against commitment. Page 125 of 184 . The Dead Zone Stage is the ego’s last ditch attempt to keep you from partnership and the ongoing level of joining that makes the ego. If you give up roles for authentic giving. The Rock and Swamp Step refers to how each of the partners seems to have polarized once again. The next step typically has to do with Rock and Swamp. sacrificial and heroic is the Rock. creativity. Boundaries help you know how far you have overextended or how invasive others have been. freedom. A conspiracy is a trap set up so well that it looks like there is no way out. and its subconscious issues based around family guilt. The Oedipal Complex was the first conspiracy I discovered. while the other partner becomes emotionally indulgent and makes the relationship all about them because they are working through the vast amount of childhood feelings of being unloved. and for the most part is completely subconscious. redundant. but they do not help you get through the co-dependency. the principle of separation. vision and the unconscious mind. You can go back using the intuitive method of: “If you were to know” to pull out mistaken beliefs of guilt. which is even bigger. though some couples also go through another Shadow step right at the beginning of the Dead Zone. by judging your partner. your purpose. especially if you feel that you. intimacy. One partner who is dissociated. Then you run into the Oedipal Step. greater success. failure and sacrifice. you avoid the change you need to make to be successful in relationships. fusion. But there is always a better way if you really want to find it. leadership. it can be quite competitive. your partner. failure and their strategy of sacrifice. It is helpful to do so because this gives you a feel for the territory you are attempting to heal. or the relationship is dying inside. Each partner believes their position is right and superior.and yourself at the same time.

can stop you from partnership. have a balance of your masculine and feminine and. Page 126 of 184 . Willingness. I gave up on monogamous relationships as a result of not finding a way through the Dead Zone. The final step may not occur in every relationship. Finally. The Dead Zone is never fun. While this looks like a glamorous lifestyle if you can maintain it. thus. So. Then I thought the answer was in being independent and having any number of partners at the same time. instead I went toward marriage in a strongly committed relationship with my present wife. the next relationship step is the Fear of the next Step. in late 1979. As you heal the Dead Zone. as does every couple who has made it this far. I found the courage to attempt what I could see as the only way possible for me to move forward. you either have the self-abuse style or the sickness style. These patterns of competition are deleterious to relationships. freedom. there were numerous Dead Zone lessons but we made it through. Finally. Usually. but both of you are looking for continuous. The other partner is the one who is always sick. all areas of your life and have ease. commitment and grace are powerful aides at this point. success and flow. allowing yourself to receive. as I knew I was moving in a death direction through independence and dissociation. We learned how to get through all that needed healing together. My relationships would break up time and time again in the Dead Zone. This is actually one of the core dynamics of every problem. as I went on. but it is always instructive. ever-deepening love from your partner. After competition. Of course. One of you calls for love by abusing your body through excessive work or play or by accident and injury. but it is here that you realise that it has been the fulcrum on which the Dead Zone has rested. and as a result of our experience. enjoy partnership. as they are at the root of all conflict and deadness. Mutuality. Because of our compatibility. but it is a kind of step that. we learned shortcuts and principles. we return to the Dead Zone for periodic reviews from time to time.My experience In the seventies. As we went through every basic step. if it does occur. Here you can finally heal the subtle (or not so subtle) pattern of competition that began with your unbonded family. there are ancestral or unconscious. It is a type of competition for love that centres around illness. The next step is that of Competition. I lost many relationships because I could not find my way through Dead Zone. you become more worthy and innocent. thus. soul-level roots. In some cases. I was able to map out the territory to make it easier for other couples. I could see that I was losing my heart and becoming more and more dissociated. equality and commitment are key healing principles in this step. in early 1984. and these were corroborated with couples and individuals that we worked with around the world.

Integrate the deadness with the fear it hides. Become an expert at finding compensations. As soon as you see what it is. freeing them and yourself. Embrace the gift and share it with everyone in that scene. it was probably at the age of… If you were to know who was with you. such as overwork. sacrifice or roles. it can save many hundreds of individual steps. Use the intuitive method to find and clear the root of the problem by asking these questions: If you were to know where the root of this problem began. 5. it was probably… If you were to know what occurred that brought this current deadness about. you readily dismiss the defence that every problem is by embracing the good thing that it defends against. you simply imagine the energy of both melting together. If you give yourself to your partner wholeheartedly. To do this. Then you integrate this energy with the gift underneath. immediately let it go or give it to Heaven. Awareness that you are in the Dead Zone and of the particular step you are facing. Ways to Heal the Dead Zone: 1. Page 127 of 184 . it was probably… You took on the pain and problems of everyone in the scene. bring you back to yourself and give you a new level of courage. 8. Ask to be shown the fear that hides under the deadness. With defences you cannot receive the rewards for your giving. Want truth. freedom and ease with your whole heart. It is the first time that you can successfully deal with your relationship and family Dead Zone and Oedipal issues. All of the Dead Zone steps hide fear and all of the fear hides a gift and a new level of intimacy and success. As you get better at realizing that every problem compensates for a gift. Integrations heal your split mind. Communication with your partner about it. ask yourself what soul-level gift you brought in to heal them. 2.Ways through the Dead Zone The Dead Zone is the number two stage for stress and the number one stage for burnout. 7. Instead. 3. Commitment takes you over a mountain range instead of each individual ‘problem mountain’. 6. Look for the gift that hides underneath the trap. gives you a vaccination against further negativity in this regard and generates confidence and a new level of wholeness. This dissipates the negativity. as these mimic true giving and are only a defence. 4.

you become more worthy and innocent. but as I researched further into human consciousness. There are 5 main steps in the Dead Zone: the Roles. when all of a sudden you start to hear the soundtrack from Jaws. success and flow. and Fear of the Next Step. how it affects our relationships. Commit to the next step. have a balance of your masculine and feminine and. The root of the Oedipus Conspiracy The Oedipus Conspiracy is caused by lost bonding. the Oedipus Complex comes up from below with lightning speed and pulls you down. Key Insights: One way through the Dead Zone is to achieve a fine balance of being responsive to your partner. imagine yourself out for a leisurely swim in the ocean at night. the Oedipal trap. all areas of your life and have ease. Momma. Chapter 39 The Trap of Oedipus This chapter presents practical research regarding the Oedipus Complex. once shouted out in comic angst: “Oedipus-Smedipus. determines the amount of competition in a family. which in turn. allowing yourself to receive. showing how the ego uses it as a conspiracy against us. thus. Competition. Freud thought the whole mind revolved around the Oedipus Complex because it was so pervasive. Rules and Duties. enjoy partnership. all meant to stop us from finding and living our purpose. freedom. I love ya. I Realised it was a conspiracy. In simple terms it explains what the Oedipus Conspiracy is. Robin Williams. Commit to mutuality and equality with your partner. As you heal the Dead Zone.9. After six years of intense study of the Oedipus Complex in the mid to late 1980s. family. Page 128 of 184 . the Rock and Swamp. The Comedian. where it comes from and how to transform it. thus. which is a trap set up so well that it seems there is no way out. Like Jaws. work and yourself at the same time.” To impress on you the power of the Oedipus Complex. I found that it was just one of more than half a hundred conspiracies.

6. When bonding has been strongly shattered. the Murderer and the Betrayer. there is a sense of scarcity and so the competition begins for love and attention. The Dynamics of the Oedipus Complex Part of the reason why the Oedipus complex is such a powerful trap is that it is subconscious. which perpetrates the oedipal pattern. which is naturally subsumed in love until bonding is lost. 3. you win the person of your dreams only to keep some distance between you. The subconscious pattern is tied into an unconscious pattern with God as Father in which we believe we have stolen His gifts and killed Him. It can take different forms in a relationship: affairs and triangles. the ego tells you that you killed your parents as you separated from them and stole their gifts. An oedipal loser in which you are afraid to compete or succeed because it seems you will kill the same sex parent to do so. 2. It leads you to repress shadows such as the Failure. The competition for the opposite sex parent and sometimes the same sex parent leads you to be: 1. This allows you to succeed but with guilt for succeeding so you do not allow yourself the full reward or enjoyment of your success. now arises in an exaggerated manner. no relationships. They are repressed because of societal taboos. regarding sex between family members. there arise incidents of sexual abuse and incest or sex may be repressed or blown out of proportion. they are acted out in incestuous relationships. In some cases. In the Oedipus Conspiracy. 4. When bonding is lost. the family members resort to roles in an attempt to save the family. you will tend to transfer these feelings onto your present partner and then pull back from them because any Page 129 of 184 . It leads you to repress anger and sexuality or act them out in exaggerated ways. These sexual impulses are then either fantasised about or repressed or both. the Thief. and now He is angry and makes for a particularly formidable and frightening enemy. 5. An oedipal winner in which case you are closer to the opposite sex parent than your same sex parent is. Because of the unfinished business of the sexual attraction to your opposite sex parent and siblings. always fighting or dead relationships. As a result. Sex. It especially makes you keep a certain amount of emotional distance from your partner.When bonding is lost.

I have seen this work. one will come forward with the qualities of both. Going beyond the Oedipus Conspiracy: the path to Partnership The ego wants to prevent you at all cost from reaching partnership because by that time you have learned the key lesson of knowing to always head for your partner and that any way your partner acts that is not love is a call for love. opening for your true partner to come in. Page 130 of 184 . If you do this. If you are the one with two partners. These are two of the best and most complicated conspiracies the ego has to keep you from reaching successful partnership. Simply want and commit to the truth and the next step. Or you begin turning your sexual energy outside the relationship. but a week later. It does matter which position in the triangle you have taken up.attraction to them brings up the old forbidden attractions. Commitment to equality and the next step. the situation resolves itself without you having to do anything different on the outside. You can transform the triangle by your wholehearted commitment to the truth of the next step. even when there were children with both partners in a triangle. It looked impossible. Awareness and Communication 2. the situation will resolve itself so that everyone can be happy. they will leave with no bad feelings on anyone’s part. they generate most of the issues in the Dead Zone. joy and creativity that grows in partnership. there are no dramatic outward symptoms. Commitment to Your Partner 3. If someone is not your true partner. You can tell the Oedipus Conspiracy is occurring if suddenly you lose all attraction for your partner or if you feel revulsion or repulsion toward them emotionally or sexually. This makes you pull away from your partner and deny sexual energy and attraction for them. one partner and child came and told the man to go where he would be happy in such a way as to free him from this deadly dilemma. and within seven to ten days. The ego begins to melt away more quickly in the face of the love. but simply a pervasive deadness in the relationship. Ways to Move Through the Oedipus Conspiracy: 1. You must transcend these traps to reach partnership and the beginning of La Dolce Vita. especially in the case of dilemmas or triangles. The Oedipal Conspiracy and the Family Conspiracy are inextricably tied together and between them. Sometimes.

The way through is always to head for your partner with awareness and communication. Page 131 of 184 . What occurred if you were to know… How old were you if you were to know… Who was involved if you were to know… Go back there and do a bonding exercise. you can ask that they pull you down through the Oedipal mire down to the next step. Do this bonding exercise with your partner. You can tell the Oedipus Conspiracy is occurring if suddenly you lose all attraction for your partner or if you feel revulsion or repulsion toward them emotionally or sexually. Then have the light inside them connect and join with the light inside you. Key Insight: The Oedipus Complex is a subconscious trap rooted in childhood family dynamics and can show up at any time during your relationship. B. Commitment easily transforms the Oedipal Conspiracy. A.4. After each time you do a bonding notice the effect of it on your feelings and on the situation. Do this for as many times as is necessary to restore the family to peace and joy. Alternately. but mostly once you have reached the Dead Zone Stage. Do this until there is only one light. Ask to be taken back to where your family had its biggest separation. having the light inside of everyone extend to all the family members. Ask your angel or your creative mind to airlift you out of the muck and onto the next step. C. Repeat exercise C at least five other times to heal those situations that even now are causing you to have ambivalence and be less than committed to your partner. Imagine yourself caught in Oedipal mire. Have the light inside you join the light inside them.

Your partner will act out for you all the parts that you split off in your mind. Your belief systems dictate how your life unfolds for you.Chapter 40 Your Partner as Your Mirror This chapter points out how our partner reflects subconscious and unconscious elements in our own mind. Ask yourself how many belief systems you have that your partner is acting out for you… Ask yourself how these belief systems serve you… What purpose do they serve? Ask yourself what excuse having belief systems like this provide for you… Ask yourself how many ‘past lives’ you were just like your partner… Another way to ask this. It shows how. every time there is a profound joining through love. reflecting back to you hidden (or not so hidden) parts of your mind. Exercise What you perceive in the world represents beliefs and belief systems. so all perception goes through your own beliefs and experiences of yourself before you see it in the world. we can see remarkable improvement in our partner. The world around you reflects your mind. Your partner then is your closest mirror. I. it is probably… Page 132 of 184 . Just like the dreams you have at night reflect your mind. forgiveness or integration. Now. is how many unconscious self-concepts you have that come from your unconscious life scripts. so does the waking dream of your daylight hours reflect your mind. Your partner and children reflect back to you both subconscious (since conception) and unconscious (ancestral and soul) elements. as we transform our own self-concepts. using a different metaphor. Every belief is a self-concept. your partner moves closer.

The following is a good healing way to use if you are using the ‘past lives’ metaphor. As you go forward to different stages.Ask yourself what lesson you were looking to learn to live so many ‘lifetimes’ or have so many ‘life scripts’ just like how your partner is… In regard to how many negative belief systems you have that your partner reflects back to you. traps buried up to this point appear to try to stop you from moving forward. As you move forward. Or you can give them to heaven and see what you are given back in their place. more buried belief systems become available to let go of. If you were to know what country you were living in. ask yourself how many of these stories you have… Ask yourself how many are necessary to heal to completely shift the pattern. What gifts were you meant to bring into those ‘past lives’ or life scripts in which you lived like your partner… If you realise that your partner and you or you by yourself have ‘other lifetime’ or life script patterns or karma that is bringing about the present situation. The same occurs with other levels of the mind. it is probably… If you are working out your life script patterns. you were probably a… Page 133 of 184 . You can let them go when you see they do not express what you really want. it is probably the country that is now called… If you knew if you were a man or a woman. II. These scripts were chosen by you for some purpose. using stream of consciousness or whatever pops in. other. take a pen and paper and. you can let go of these belief systems and choose something better. write these life script stories down.

reflecting back to you hidden (or not so hidden) parts of your mind. Key Insight: Your partner is your closest mirror. which is essentially communication. can either be used as a vehicle for love or for need. Page 134 of 184 . bring the good feeling into the present. Can you embrace those gifts now and share them with everyone you are in those unconscious-level soul stories with? As everyone is freed of their traps. and the second makes it a battleground.If you were to know if anyone in the present situation was there in that other lifetime. The first builds the relationship. sex and our partner. The chapter further explores societal messages and the effect of the Oedipus Complex and sexual abuse on sex in a relationship. Embrace your soul-level gift and share it with everyone and everything in that life. it is probably… If you were to know what lesson you were looking to learn back there and how well you learned it… If you were to know what soul-level gift you had meant to contribute in life back there. it was probably… If you were to know what happened back there that is affecting you here. Chapter 41 Sex This chapter shows how sex. By completing the exercise in this chapter you will be able to bring these hidden selfconcepts to your conscious awareness and move through them. it was probably… Now. imagine yourself going back to when you were a little child in that life. I present a description of the stages of sex and exercises to reconnect us with love.

the extent to which we are unattached to sex is to extent to which we are attractive to our partner. and this makes for a difficult dynamic sexually. In the dependent position. Sex is not only one of the areas in which we express love. This puts you in a difficult situation because the extent to which your partner is dissociated and independent is the extent to which they are afraid of being possessed emotionally or sexually. they are objecting to a feeling of being taken from. sex becomes one of the common ways to attempt to get needs met. you will most likely review these basic lessons all over again at a new stage. or other guilt-inducing deadness such as the Oedipus Conspiracy. therefore. the ego attempts to use everything regarding the body as political or a way to gain control for itself. one partner can be listless. Every relationship has a chronic problem. as both partners negotiate their needs. almost every couple that came to me had a complaint about sex. On the other hand. But without understanding. loss. unresponsive or disinterested. wounded. which will be the most trying area of relationship for one or both partners. there can be feelings of fear. needs can be off-putting and unattractive. When I worked as a marriage counsellor.Sexual Imbalance in Relationship Sex is one of the essential areas of a love relationship. you want to possess your partner because they seem to have something that you do not. this can provide a wonderful opportunity for building the relationship. This can make sex into a battleground instead of a playground. At other times. One partner or the other felt that they were not getting enough sex. In relationships where sex is the chronic problem. Until a couple has reached a level of partnership. to the same extent. health. Even after you reach higher stages of partnership. Our independence will generate control and typically sends our partner into the dependent and. Actually. With mature communication and response. When one partner begins to feel needy. sensitivity and responsiveness. Page 135 of 184 . less attractive position. such as sex. Being dissociated and independent can generate attraction also but for all the wrong reasons. being unloved and feeling rejected. Any major area of relationship. Sex is one of the favorite chronic problems in relationships. child-raising or career can become the chronic problem in a relationship. money. This can generate all kinds of power struggle. it is also one of the areas in which we express our needs. the other partner seems overly sexed. The more one person seems withdrawn or unresponsive in sex. your or your partner’s sexual energy can bring up memories of abuse. Sometimes. This not only includes sex but all forms of illness and injury. It is a bridge of communication that can build a foundation of love.

which distort sex with shame and guilt. she wants him for her little buzzer. There is a negative societal effect on sex and relationships that can also be exacerbated by the Oedipal Conspiracy. instead of inspiration and naturalness. are no-minded or in love do we have the possibility of experiencing the earth-shaking fireworks that sex can provide. The little bee can sadly begin to droop and lose some of his Page 136 of 184 . exaggeration. Things continue merrily enough until at some point after they are married. among all of the bees. vitality. As consciousness increases. remembering her early flower training in which she was told that good flowers are not so open and forthcoming in their fragrance begins to hold back. This is a trap that can unwittingly happen between a man and a woman. it makes the whole area of sex grow in ecstatic possibility instead of being the quick “boink” of an “oil change. The little bee takes one heady sniff of the exotic essence and bzzzzes right over to the flower. we live in a world where even the most gifted people sexually are only operating at about 30 percent of their sexuality. sex gets tied into oedipal areas of competition. The poor little bee does not know what is happening and bzzzzes all around trying to discover and understand why things have changed. It is love at first bzzz and the little bee bzzzzzes happily around his flower. They have cut the cords between their heart and sex and even between their head and their hearts in regard to sex. For most people not caught up in a Sex Conspiracy. I call this effect the story of the flower and the bee. At which time. with those wounded in sex operating at only 5 to 15 percent. guilt. The little bee is happily buzzing around the meadow. Even when she is open. This leads them to either cut off sex altogether. It is only when we have a quiet mind.” Unfortunately. A couple of scenarios can occur at this point.Sexuality and Societal Conditioning As far as I can ascertain. Besides religious beliefs. while normal people are operating at about 20 percent. gathering nectar from the flowers until a certain flower spies him out and sees that. we are looking at the area of sex myopically. she is much less generous with her fragrance. have very dissociated sex or go to great lengths to have wild or kinky sex so that they can feel something. At best. naturalness and rejuvenation has been lost. all too many people have become dissociated around sex through heartbreak and relationship wounds. the flower begins to close up. All of this interferes with how we experience sex. As a result. the flower. she exudes a certain special fragrance that she wafts over only to him. and repression. Self-concepts around sex lead to self-consciousness and shame. This means that a significant amount of spontaneity. fear of intimacy and success. it is their one chance to fully let go and their closest experience of Heaven on earth.

father or siblings onto your partner it can lead you to find excuses to avoid sex. you are usually telling them at some level that your love for them is more important to you than having your favourite thing – sex. This whole pattern can lead to the ‘Madonna-Whore syndrome’ for men. you most likely made a soul-level promise to save them from their Sex Conspiracy. caught between being a good flower and giving to her true bee. This can kill sexual attraction and generate revulsion instead. This can go back and forth for a while until either they both wilt or the bee goes off on his own. the little flower begins to close up once more. and the mistress has the fun. after bzzzing around the flower and trying to get some response. unbeknownst to yourself. The most prevailing of these is the attempt to save the family by playing the role of the martyr and literally laying yourself down Page 137 of 184 . this conspiracy occurs when you transfer the unfinished business of sexual attraction and societal taboo onto your present partner from your parents or even your siblings. If you are the partner of someone who has been abused sexually. also.bzzz. they both live happily ever after to the sound of much bzzzzzing. I have found that under sexual abuse. As we explored in the chapter dedicated to this topic. In which case. once again sniffs the happy familiar fragrance and. there are a number of dynamics going on. though he would rather not. Or. When this occurs the flower wakes up thinking. No!” I can’t let this happen and wafts her lovely fragrance out to her bee again. If this is the case. excited bzzzzzs back to his flower to be greeted happily on his return. For women. nasty things with someone outside the relationship. the bee goes bzzzing off looking for nectar in the meadow. The little bee. When. although far away. in which he treats his wife with passionless respect and does all the fun. “Oh. The Oedipus Conspiracy One key aspect that affects sex is one that is subconscious but very powerful in dictating how our sex life is. But all too soon. Sexual Abuse and Incest A history of sexual abuse can lead to exaggeration or withdrawal from sex. The wife has the position. It can lead to affairs. you project your mother. The Oedipus Conspiracy generates deadness toward your partner while there is attraction to others outside your relationship. after which the flower begins to droop a bit. Another happier scenario is that the flower and bee wake up and make their love and intimacy paramount. deadness or no relationships. power struggle. it can set up a wife-mistress conflict.

This is playing the martyr role in the family and this role. This mistaken attempt of using sexual abuse to try to save the family can take place within or outside the family. Partners can be frightened when this stage ends and seek to prolong it by returning to what is forbidden by having affairs or becoming ever more kinky. The Stages of Sex There are stages that everyone goes through in normal adult sexual development. This means that. Recommit to a loving. accepted part of your family or country culture. Given the state of sexual backwardness in society. If you have been wounded sexually. you have self-concepts that are just like how your partner is acting. also. In the second stage. Besides the sacrifice dynamic. Sexual abuse was an ego solution that you used to hide yourself. physical or sexual abuse and even giving up your life. rarely works to save the family. illnesses. such as accidents. Do this nightly. humour and playfulness. at an unconscious level. These can be let go of for more successful and more intimate life scripts. They may have come down ancestrally or from childhood. Victimisation is what occurs when you identify with your ego. I have always found gifts of sexual leadership and precocity under someone’s sexual trauma. healing and leading in the area of sex when it seems such an overwhelming job. you can win back your partner if they have been wounded sexually. Through love. innocence. successful sexual relationship with your partner. The first stage is where you have excitement because of the novelty of sex. but more often they come from the soul level where you have key soul stories or karmic past lives where you live by such scripts. Do this daily. This is the stage that is so very strong because it is when you first engage in sex. recommit to yourself and your sexuality. it is an emotional love Page 138 of 184 . Grace is Heaven’s solution. Even to see your sexual partner nude in all their glory can be the most aesthetic and sensual of experiences. If the first stage of sex is relinquished for the second stage. especially if nudity was not a natural. in whatever form it sacrifice. a sexual maturity emerges in the relationship. It is not just a physical love experience. you learn to make love to your partner in a personal way. this is not surprising. It is also important to remember that your partner is a mirror for you. The abuse gives the victim an excuse not to pursue these gifts. What was repressed is now expressed with a vengeance. This means it was no solution to the issue of fulfilling your promise to accomplish your purpose of teaching.

it is important to know that there is a higher stage that you can evolve to and that sex is not just “drilling for oil” but an evolution in love and spirit. where you seek communion with your beloved to open your experience of God the Beloved. This lovemaking carries you into timelessness and the fields of light. Here is the realisation that you are consciousness and your joining occurs at the level of energy. By your choice and the help of your higher mind. Leadership.experience where you are joining a partner wherever they are in whatever emotional experience they happen to be. which is the partnership stage. Power Struggle. In whatever stage you are in with regard to sex. Partnership. Ask yourself: How many wires have you cut between your heart and your genitals? How many wires have you cut between your head and your heart in regard to sex? How has this affected your experience of your partner and your experience of sex with your partner? No matter what caused the break in the wires. The final stage is that of the mystic. not just physically but emotionally. Vision or Mastery. This is sex at a more bonded level that uses the vehicle of emotions and the body but goes beyond it to the wellspring of the soul as the gateway to the spirit. This is a real act of love to find and join a partner. it is also important to realise what stage of relationship you are in: Romance. Sexuality can branch out from passion to playfulness to profound love to being humorous and tender. bringing juice back to these areas. Page 139 of 184 . When you get past this stage. It can be a golden time sexually when emotional and psychological wounds have been healed. you can have the wires be reconnected. Dead Zone. Exercise I. The fourth stage of sex is tantra. Whilst it is important to realise what sexual stage you are in. Committing to your partner sexually and emotionally can raise you up to the next stage. as this is a key determinant in the quality of sex you are having. you reach the third stage. it does not have to stay this way.

what was the gift you brought in to heal your mother’s side of the family? Give this gift to your mother energetically and then pass it up through the family until everyone is free. Instead of catching the wound that someone had sexually that led them to act in a wounding way. Go back to the point where you had your greatest setback sexually. ask yourself what soul gift you brought in to heal that particular pain in that person.II. Share that gift energetically with whomever is in the scene until they are free of the pain. What was the gift you brought in for your father’s side of the family? Pass this gift to him and up through his side of the family. See it pass through them to whoever passed it to them or whoever else they passed it to so that the gift goes through the entire network of victims and victimisers. Bring the results of the healed event all the way up to the present time. Page 140 of 184 . What is the gift you brought in for your partner’s mother’s side of the family? Now pass this gift to your partner and up through them and up your mother’s side of the family. guilt or shame? Whatever emotion you picked up in the event was an emotion that every other person in that event either picked up then or brought into it. III. Next. Was it heartbreak. abuse. What was the major sexual trap passed through your mother’s side of the family? Your father’s side? Your partner’s mother’s side? Your partner’s father’s side? Trust your intuition on your answers.

which emerges as a result of our unbonded families in our relationships. it is also one of the areas in which we express our needs. as you embrace this. Sex is not only one of the areas in which we express love. Page 141 of 184 . This can be where we run into problem areas. you can win back your partner if they have been wounded sexually. Note the change that occurs day by day. innocence. By understanding the stages of sex described in this chapter you will be able to evolve onto higher and higher stages with your partner. Whatever your sexual block is in your relationship or in your self. it will dissolve the sexual trap. Employed in a true way. I present ways to move beyond competition to cooperation and partnership. Turn any sexual problem and your perception of the sexual problem over to your own creative mind for transformation. Through love. IV. Embrace the sexual gift and.What is the gift you brought in for your partner’s father’s side of the family? Pass this gift through your partner up through their father’s side of the family. Chapter 42 Competition This chapter explores the destructive effect of competition on our relationships. humour and playfulness. it can form a truly loving foundation for your whole relationship. generates both power struggle and deadness in a relationship. ask yourself what the gift it is meant to hide. Competition. V. Key Insights: Sex is a form of communication.

which brings interdependence.. brings about both power struggle and deadness. If you were to know in what specific ways it affects your partner.Competition is the bane of relationships. Page 142 of 184 . and as a result.. winning is not necessarily always successful nor is losing always unsuccessful. It puts all of your attention on winning or at least on not losing. bonding. your original family and your work associates. When there is competition. focus. but rather a learning experience to bring greater success. Yet. In this case. success and intimacy and saves so much time. 2. your children. Bonding that was lost or missing in your original family can be regained in your present relationship. As you win and your partner loses.. Deadness at one level could be considered the comfortable distance that you place between you and your partner so as not to have to lose to them in your competition. it would be by. It is the root of all conflict. it is by.. you will never reach the cooperation of partnership.. you will experience a corresponding success in your work. If you were to know how you could be a better partner. Competition is also used as a defence against dealing with certain issues that you do not wish to face. Through this intimacy. Exercise Ask yourself the following questions: 1. This means you will be paying the bill. 3. no matter who wins. If you begin losing. either you or your partner has to lose. the withdrawal at the root of the deadness becomes part of the fight. in an effort to hide your nightmares under the ‘certainty’ of your professed belief in winning as the way to success. how competitive are you. Without getting through the defence of competition to face the fears of going forward. and it is passed from generation to generation. they become less attractive as they begin failing in one or more area.. ease and freedom and. The key to success in relationships is intimacy. On the scale of 100%. It comes from unbonded families. you feel both less attractive and less worthy. there is love.

It also keeps you caught in a superior-inferior dynamic.4. IV. your relationship becomes a mere shell and you are robbed of a vehicle for love and transformation. This leads to equality. passive-aggression and withdrawal. it would be by. If you were to know what specific action you could take to end any competition between you and your partner. Live by cooperation. mutuality and contact with your partner at new levels. Page 143 of 184 . Realise that all the higher levels of success and intimacy are based on cooperation. It is the only way to be happy. self-absorbed and self-attacking. which will set up deadness. Be aware that every place your partner screws up shows a place you were looking to win. Competition sets up a win-lose dynamic in which you have to lose part of the time in order to keep the win-lose dynamic going. there can be no competition. II. the trap that keeps the Dead Zone Stage going. Where there is equality.. Give this up for the support that allows you both to win. which is time-consuming. See your partner as yourself. It turns excellence into a form of competition and you attempt to prove you are the best instead of committing to equality. Without partnership. Healing Principles: the path to partnership Here are some healing principles to help you move out of competition and into partnership. Of course. You will pay for the glee of every little win by ambush. Commitment can move you up to the next step in relationship. only partnership. Commit to partnering with your partner. I. Competition obfuscates areas where you lack self-inclusion.. III. if you really believed you were good. Commit to equality in your relationship. you would not need to prove it.

To each of these questions. One woman who was about to divorce her husband could not think of one thing that she appreciated about her husband. in some instances. The key to success in relationships is intimacy Bonding that was lost or missing in your original family can be regained in your present relationship. it provides a saving grace. Finally. Once you get past a defence. this woman’s movement forward with her husband was definitive. Appreciation can save relationships It was the last day of a relationship workshop I was facilitating when a remarkable thing occurred. her face lit up as she recalled what a good provider her husband was and how hard he worked for the family. Appreciation generates flow. the woman replied a firm ‘no’. If you have been stuck in your relationship. Page 144 of 184 . brings about both power struggle and deadness. the happier she got until in a short ten minutes. her whole feeling for her husband had transformed as a result of her appreciation. as a result of appreciation. as in the above example. She had no appreciation for her husband in any of the areas that I asked about. While all of the other participants had had definite movement forward. it provides just the impetus to get past the defence of a problem.Key Insights: Competition lies at the root of all conflict. The more she thought about it. This provides a breath of fresh air and. I asked everyone in the workshop to write down what they appreciated about their partners. It was the spark that reignited her love for him and allowed her to feel his love. it is of no further use and falls away. and as a result. I supported her asking questions about areas in which she might have some appreciation for her husband. Chapter 43 Appreciation This chapter explores the power of appreciation to create flow in a relationship and how it can be used to transform our relationships.

Sometimes. such as from NLP and TimeLine Therapy. you may remember other qualities about your partner that you appreciate and feel grateful for. who was doing a ritual for ancestors who had been buried in unblessed ground. our partner and our ancestors. look back on your relationship to all the times your partner deserves appreciation and gratitude.Exercise Make a list of all the qualities that you appreciate about your partner. It presents a way to heal this past. I have found a number of efficacious ways besides my own to heal ancestral patterns. But I also heard of an Episcopal priest in the U. Similarly. Healing Ancestral issues has provided some of the key breakthroughs in my work with relationships. Now. Chapter 44 Healing Ancestral Issues This chapter explores how our ancestral issues generate present destructive patterns in our life and relationships. If you give yourself fully to the exercise in this chapter you will bring new life to yours. Do this as fast as you can simply using whatever pops into your mind. Then take your time to go over each and dwell on it for a while. What can start as a trauma with one ancestor can be passed down through the generations. As you do this. As you do this. As early as 1975. Key Insights: Appreciation has the power to save relationships. this was the essential element that allowed the relationship to transform and reach a whole new level of success. and free ourselves. and it was having the same efficacious Page 145 of 184 . lack of success in life and relationships could appear as a similar strain passed down in the family. Healing Ancestral Patterns Over the years. take a little time to savour each of these times. I was using this method to free some of my clients. and show up as many different symptoms along the way.K.

. Exercise Ask yourself what trap was passed through your mother's side of the family... Here is a way that has worked in thousands of instances around the world. do it through your partner up through his mother's or her father's side of the family..effect of relieving symptoms. When this is complete.. When this is complete. As you go forward. but you are no more trapped by them than something that happened a week ago. a woman or both. Open up this gift and embrace it. as you have brought gifts in to free her or his parents' families. Now fill your mother up energetically with the gift. Now do this same exercise with your father's side of the family. pass it through her up her ancestral line to where the problem began until everyone is freed.. ask yourself what soul-level gift you brought in to heal this ancestral trap. Ask if it began with a man. people will find the way that makes a healing difference for them no matter what the form.. Ask what occurred that set this pattern in motion. I believe where the intention is strong. you will realise that other challenges actually have their root in past generations. And you are not trapped at all if you really want to transform a pattern with all your heart. Both gifts and challenges have been passed down to you through your family.. also.. Now.. Ask yourself how many generations ago this began. Page 146 of 184 .

emotions and behaviour. as these are also passed down ancestrally. Imagine you are seated with those you love in a theatre. higher mind for help. Chapter 45 Curtain Call for Healing This chapter presents a highly effective healing method that transforms present problems and old traumas and the problems that lead to problem patterns. in which case it will seem to get worse for a few curtains. It is also of great help in healing Dead Zone and Oedipal issues. It can also be used to heal post-traumatic stress by using it to transform the image of old trauma that is stuck in your mind causing negative beliefs. it seems that your problem or the old trauma is being shown up on the curtains. What are the soul-level gifts you brought in to free your ancestors of this karma or soul pattern? Pass it through your parents up to your ancestors freeing everyone of these patterns. As you look at the curtains. the curtains pull back to reveal another set of curtains upon which the next scene is projected. Key Insights: What can start as a trauma with one ancestor can be passed down through the generations. see the curtains pull back. and show up as many different symptoms along the way. This exercise cleans out images that have been stored in your mind. This scene will typically be slightly better than the last one unless you have been suppressing emotions or the problem has unconscious roots. As you are ready again. Page 147 of 184 .It is good to repeat this exercise periodically. These can cause huge problems in our relationships if we are not aware of them. when you are ready. At a certain point. Exercise This is a healing exercise that can be used to solve problems. What is projected on the next set of curtains? As the next image presents itself. Ask your creative. Return to the exercises in this chapter whenever you feel that an ancestral issue arises for you or your partner.

When this occurs. Page 148 of 184 .experience it but quickly ask your higher mind for the next scene. Look and feel how that scene shows itself but quickly ask for the next set of curtains. if it has improved only a little or it has not progressed at all. especially if it is unpleasant. However you remember or see what is left of the original scene. This is an easy. using whatever image still comes to your mind from the original scene. simple exercise that can be used to progress any situation. make your way from curtain to curtain until there is only a beautiful light on the curtains. Then begin pulling back the curtains one at a time until there is either a very happy scene or beautiful light. you can repeat the curtain exercise. Repeat this exercise until there is no percentage of the problem or original trauma left over. then you know that you are using this scene for some hidden purpose. What might you be using it for? What does it allow you to do or what is it you do not have to do? What excuse does it give you? What indulgence do you get to keep? What investment have you made that you need to keep this trauma or problem? No matter what percentage is left. ask yourself what percentage the original issue or scene has improved. Now. In this fashion. Key Insight: Use this exercise to become aware of the multi-layered patterns that exist in your mind. begin with that image.

usually positive Life Stories. having done so much work to clean out adult and childhood heartbreak patterns. Independent. Yet. This would allow her to finally get on with her life and still have the thrill of love. Control. Needy. you naturally let go of Heartbreak. we pulled up dozens of the Heartbreak Stories she was scripting her life with. Sacrifice. he felt she should have been healed and free." Together they had cleared up all of her adult and childhood heartbreak patterns so that she was ready to go off and make a fresh start in relationships. she once again suffered rejection and heartbreak. et cetera. This was compounded by her therapist kicking her out of therapy because. Tragic. I heard that she was engaged to be married. When you find that you have something like this scripting your life. She was able to let these heartbreaking scripts go when she realised that she would be given creativity in exchange for the drama. Together. The bigger the trap. She was. except for one thing. These dark stories can occur at unconscious levels. ask yourself how many of these dark stories you have. And these Dark Stories hide major soul-level gifts. Fear. Revenge. so they program your life. Soap Opera. My Discovery When I had been a therapist a mere thirteen years. Six months after our session. we found that she was addicted to romance at the beginning of relationships and dark glamour and tragic romance at the end. Brought to the light of the conscious mind. Sad. Guilt. I have found that just getting rid of one is not enough when you have dozens. Dead Zone and Oedipal Stories. Misunderstanding. Martyr. she was telling Heartbreak Stories. I treated a client who had been thrown out of therapy by her very famous therapist for being in "bad faith.Chapter 46 Dark Stories This chapter explores the crucial unconscious patterns of life scripts. Page 149 of 184 . the bigger the soul-level gift that it is defending against. they all depend on remaining hidden to exist. But after two months in her new relationship. It shows how they can determine our experiences in relationships chapter after chapter. Unbeknownst to herself. When we got down to her motivation. It demonstrates ways to become aware of and let go of our dark relationship stories to free ourselves and transform our relationships.

... As a line from A Course in Miracles states: Page 150 of 184 . six and twelve months.. especially in relationship problems. you are attempting to make yourself right about something. Chapter 47 I'd Rather Be Happy This chapter reviews our subconscious desire to be right all the time. In any problem. Key insight: We are all writing stories in our lives – and. The good news is that the bigger the trap... negative stories. Now imagine the effect of the removal of the Dark Stories and the effect this addition of the soul-level gift has on your life in the next three. This desire to control reality wreaks havoc on our ability to be happy. Would you be willing to turn these over to Heaven and see what you are given for your Dark Stories? Simply let them go and see what aspect of grace or soul-level gifts await you.Exercise Ask yourself how many different kinds of dark stories are influencing your relationship. the bigger the soul-level gift that it is defending against. Ask yourself how many you have of each one. Ask yourself what different types you have. in some cases.

Realise that every time you were victimised was simply a place you were fighting to be right. Exercise Imagine every problem you have ever had. Use your intuition to find the answers in those situations where you have held yourself back. Then ask yourself what guilt. the more right and righteous you attempt to act. You are attempting to prove your point. but you are not willing to listen or learn. Look back on three of the major traumas that you have had in your life. The more wrong you feel. You can examine those areas in your life and ask yourself what it is that you are trying to be right about. shame and fear this hides. 3. examine your current relationship problem about what you are trying to be right about now. but it is a dynamic that hides both guilt and fear. 2. What was it you were trying to be right about? Trauma 1. It reads: "I told you I was sick. What You Were Being Right About Now." Do you want to be right or happy? Being right is usually one of the subconscious dynamics that lead to a problem. unbeknownst to yourself. Page 151 of 184 ."Do you want to be right or happy?" This reminds me of the line on a gravestone that always reminds me of the absurdity of our desire to be right.

2. especially in relationship problems.Current Problem 1. You cannot be right and happy too. you can let go of your righteousness and ask Heaven or your own creative mind what you could have in its place. Page 152 of 184 . you are attempting to make yourself right about something. you are shown the way even in the midst of what looks like an impossible situation. you will show me a better way. When you try too hard to convince others and prove that you are right. Of course. you will continue along the current unsuccessful path. You have a choice: you can either be right or happy. I hope I am wrong about this situation because if I am right. But if I am wrong about this. There is no in-between." If you want partnership by going beyond power struggle and deadness then you will need to leave righteousness behind you and become willing to be shown a better way. Key Insights: In any problem. Being Right Guilt Shame Fear Now comes the key question: "Do you want to be right or happy?" If you choose to be right. they seek to show where you are wrong. there would be no need to prove anything. If you choose to be happy. This has led me to make a little prayer for the times when I have a negative perception or experience: "Lord. But when you ask for guidance and you have sincere willingness. this is what I get. if you really believed it yourself. Give up your righteousness and the judgment underneath or you will only suffer as a result.

. give you an excuse not to show up. To get out of a conspiracy. Examine what you thought the payoff would be for having a certain conspiracy? Was it true? Did the ego keep its promise? Did it make you happy or would you like to start all over again and leave this behind you? Page 153 of 184 . it is a sure sign of a conspiracy. you simply need to bring it to your awareness and choose again. get revenge. Revenge. It seeks to distract. Sex or Sickness Conspiracy. It wants you to give up hope when it looks as if you will never succeed in freeing yourself. A conspiracy can never make you happy. You could let go of this investment and free yourself. You can simply stop investing in it and give your perception of the situation over to your higher mind to show you a new way. What was so distracting that your whole life seemed to revolve around it? When you are caught by a big trap from the past. The indulgence a conspiracy offers only leads to more sacrifice. Heartbreak.. Exercise Examine your life for conspiracies past and present. be independent or gain control. Anything wrongly used can set a conspiracy in place. Failure. Every conspiracy is an attempt to hide from your purpose and give you the excuse to do whatever you want. delay and build itself at your expense. The ego has constructed a seemingly fool-proof trap but A Course in Miracles states fool-proof traps are not God-proof. which depends on remaining hidden in the unconscious as its best defence. You can have emotional conspiracies. such as Fear. Guilt.Chapter 48 Healing Conspiracies A conspiracy is a trap set up so well that looks as if there is no way out. Conspiracies show where you have invested in the ego and its control. The Nature of Conspiracies You can have a Relationship. Sacrifice or Control. Ask yourself what conspiracies you have and how many of each type of these conspiracies you have. The ego builds itself on these types of chronic traps. though sometimes they do succeed in helping you hide.

how many do you have and what are the gifts your Relationship Conspiracies are trying to hide? You could embrace these gifts now. being right and other similarly tempting strategies. Bringing them to your awareness helps you to let go of them and move past them. the ego does not keep its promise even if you go down its path. Key Insights: A conspiracy is a trap that is set up so well that it seems there is no way out. and you can choose how you live it. You can leave this prison behind. You do not need the 'safety' of a Relationship Conspiracy.What were the gifts each conspiracy attempted to hide? If you have a Relationship Conspiracy. At other times. This includes such offers as doing whatever you want or doing things your way. I discovered that every problem represents a crossroads. and returning to these pivotal moments. it keeps its promise. Many times. Chapter 49 The Crossroads This chapter explores a core dynamic of all problems and how to reverse the destructive effect of mistaken choices at key crossroads in our lives. but what was Page 154 of 184 . The ego is attempting to lure you down one path. It will help you find a way to be free. It really provides no safety at all. After three-plus decades of exploring the subconscious. Conspiracies never make you happy and provide no real safety. is God proof. Every problem represents a crossroads. hiding and avoiding your purpose. we can make new choices for our lives. and you can leave prison after prison behind until you are finally willing to leave all prisons behind. however. By bringing these choices to our awareness. No trap. as you can tell by looking at your present situation. It's your life. having control or being independent. offering you every incentive.

grace and more relatedness. When was the exact moment you were at the crossroads and the ego path that led to the problem? What did the ego offer you to go down its path? What happened as a result of choosing the ego path? Did it make you happy? Page 155 of 184 . one that contains gifts. not just for the present situation but for the rest of your life. it was easy for her to decide on the gifted path of the higher mind. also. the people involved in those situations are freed of their traps. they can choose once again. These types of decision lead to root events that set up painful patterns. The ego tells you a little bit of pain is a small price to pay to get off the hook of doing some impossible purpose or having an excuse to do whatever you want. As they embrace the gifts and share them. As a matter of fact. it leads to bigger problems and the ego makes another offer which leads you even further down the path of building your ego and away from life. We went back to a crossroads where. I then began to work with her on what led to the burnout and exhaustion. I had her take the hand of herself back there and travel the path of truth up to the present moment. On the other hand. consider your present relationship problem. I have found that traumas from the past represent similar crossroads but ones in which the ego's path has been chosen. your own creative mind and Heaven are offering another solution. she decided to end her life. out of burnout and exhaustion. After I took her back to the crossroads to see the difference of what her ego and higher mind were offering her. This path is always more successful. this time consciously choosing the path of gifts and grace. I was just working with a woman with an incurable cancer. By taking people back to the original crossroads and clearly delineating what the offers were on both sides as depicted through their intuition. Exercise Now.promised does not make you happy.

Every problem represents a crossroads. What would really make you happy? Key Insights: By returning to key crossroads in our lives.Back to that crossroads to see what your own higher mind is offering to go up its path. The authority conflict with them actually comes from you fighting yourself. Like the authority conflict. your authority conflict is part of what is going on. In the beginning. your higher mind and God. parents. whenever you have a problem. especially relationship problems. fear and building your ego. This can be with your partner. One of the roots of every problem is the authority conflict. Embrace the gift offered to you by Heaven. as I have worked deep in the unconscious. which has the power to return us to peace and success. What would you like to choose now knowing what will occur if you re-choose the ego path? Follow the path of your higher mind.. Chapter 50 Healing the Authority Conflict This explores the authority conflict as one of the key dynamics of all problems. grace and more relatedness. Now. Your ego will always offer you a pathway. boss. I present the centring method. Go back to the point of the crossroads and choose again. and bringing the choices we made to our awareness. co-workers or just about anyone. Yet. Similarly. the deepest of all the shadow figures that I have found is the Rebel. the Rebel is often deeply buried and heavily compensated for. Share those gifts energetically with whomever is involved in this situation. go back to three major events in your life that have negatively influenced your relationships. it was what led to separation. we can make new choices for ourselves. but your own creative mind and Heaven are offering another solution. Page 156 of 184 . Take the path of your higher mind up to this present moment.. one that contains gifts.

you give up the ego's last prerogative to choose. Basically. Exercise Now. you can use these questions to help. The extent to which you truly give up your ego will be the same extent that your partner does also because the call of love is irresistible. How does this affect the scene? Page 157 of 184 . every step in evolution and in relationship is a place where you give up ‘your way’ for greater love and intimacy.. places of peace. And what was happening was probably something like… Now in that situation. it was at the age of. If you were to know how old you were when you the biggest part of your authority conflict began. joy and innocence. Who was present was probably.. In radical dependence.. if you are willing to let go of your ego and its authority conflict for love and a more successful relationship. In return. not only now but forever.Giving up your Authority Conflict An authority conflict can wreak havoc in a relationship because you want to direct the relationship and be in control. Consciousness ascends from dependency to independence and from there to interdependence and from partnership to radical dependence. you receive the guidance that would always give you the best way for you and others to be happy.. You give up your ego for the benefit of truth and love. At the very least you do not want to listen to your partner regardless of whether or not they are right. ask your own creative higher mind to carry you and everyone there to your respective centres.

Ask that you and everyone be returned to your centres in the present situation at least ten times or until the whole scene has turned to light. From time to time. relaxing ever more deeply. two or however many numbers you feel you need. It is not meant to be just a one-time read but as a resource to be there whenever you need it. How does the scene seem now? Take your time but ask that you be carried back to each successive centre. one that is both higher and deeper until you and everyone in that scene have reached a place of light. Good Luck and Good Loving. love and abundance. Your relationship is a priceless jewel. It is the fastest path of personal and spiritual growth if practiced. Learn how to enhance and transform yourself and your relationship and you will enjoy huge rewards. you can open the book and practice whichever chapter you land on or guess a number between one and fifty or even put the fifty numbers in a hat and pick one. love and joy. When this is complete and you feel deep abiding peace. An authority conflict can wreak havoc in a relationship because you want to direct the relationship and be in control. It deserves your investment.Now. Page 158 of 184 . Summary You have now finished the Relationship Emergency Kit. It deserves you. I wish you miracles. once again. Key insights: The authority conflict is one of the key dynamics of all problems. ask to be carried to a second centre where there is even more peace. When you give up your authority conflict. your partner will do the same – and to the same extent. ask your higher mind to carry you and everyone in your present relationship issue back to their centres.

Most likely. Ancestral Pattern This is a negative pattern passed down inter-generationally through the family that began with a trauma or some negative experience. Page 159 of 184 . All problems reflect a fight. Recognising that we. directed toward someone who is in a place of authority. The pattern is passed down from parent to child. psychologically. Appreciation This is a healing gift that creates flow. Accountability This principle recognises that we are responsible for everything that has happened to us. follow our own way and not have to listen to anyone who thinks differently to us – regardless of whether they are right or wrong. rather than being caught in a victim stance. sometimes taking on different symptoms in each generation. There is no problem in which the authority conflict is not one of the main dynamics. which. Our appreciation of others is also a gift we give to ourselves. Using timely healing principles. your parents or God. It could be your partner. it is all of the above. because it leads naturally to valuing what we have. at some level.Glossary A Course in Miracles A set of books that contain profound psychological and spiritual wisdom. have chosen everything that has ever occurred (for whatever purpose) empowers us to transform the past with understanding: we can understand and let go of the past. enabling us to recognise where we made mistakes and correct them. is the weakest state of all. Accountability helps us transcend the painful illusion of guilt. The authority conflict is basically the desire to be our own boss. Accountability is meant to free us and bring us back our power. it relates with the highest spiritual perspective of all religions and spiritual paths. Authority Conflict The authority conflict could be said to be one of the roots of all evil. The authority conflict is one of the great traps of the human mind that even shows up in the deepest parts of the unconscious. It allows us to recognise and enjoy the qualities of those around us. an act of rebellion. Using a Christian model. it brings us to the timeless world of Oneness.

you will use situations to show that you are right. innocence. You will try to prove that what you believe and are invested in is true. become self-fulfilling prophecies. Blame Blame is an ego defence we use to hide and compensate for our feelings of guilt. The more bonding there is in a situation. Choice Choice is a healing gift.Being Right When your goal is to be right at all costs. life or death. Beliefs Choices we have made over time or in dramatic situations become beliefs. Blaming is the opposite of taking responsibility. our direction and our behaviour. Bonding Bonding is best described as the psychological ties and connective joining that bring about love and success with ease. Negative choices are mistakes we make in an attempt to gain happiness. fun and joy there will be. We make choices to either live our purpose or move away from it . Centring This is a Psychology of Vision technique that allows bonding to be restored and brings people and situations to deeper experiences of peace. they are static thoughts that affect our emotions. loneliness and scarcity. It is the investment of the mind and its power in a step in a certain direction. and what we feel determines how we act and what happens to us. even when it is harmful to you. When we blame others we are only displacing our self-blame onto move toward light or darkness. so do we feel. They generate our perceptions and so bring about our experiences. it actually makes us feel worse. love and grace. Beliefs are values we have invested in and. As we choose. Bonding heals all problems as it dispels the illusion of separation that brings about pain. fear. Blame stops communication and starts fights. so do we think. As we think. whether positive or negative. the more creativity. loss. There are only two directions that choice can take: we can either move toward love or toward fear. unwillingness and separation that are at the root of every problem. Bonding heals the need. Page 160 of 184 . through it. While we do this in an attempt to lessen our guilt. Choice is the primordial power of the mind. Beliefs are choices caught in time. all the other gifts that have been lost can be recovered.

Competition comes from lost bonding. The extent of our commitment is the extent of our ease and feelings of freedom. all complaints are self-complaints (judgments we have about ourselves). Control comes from fear and old heartbreaks. and this is carried over into relationships. Each commitment can have the effect of saving a great deal of time. the principle of separation. to leap us forward to a new step in our lives. It builds the ego. commitment is a mountain range. and it is at the root of all conflict. we become insecure. which can only be satisfied by love and bonding. It is the choice to give ourselves fully to make a situation successful. Co-dependency looks like we are taking care of another. It is an attempt to dominate or win over others in a way that builds our specialness. In this position. We begin to compete in an attempt to compensate for our insecurities. When our own natural centring is lost. delay and fear of the next step. Complaining hides our fear of the change that would make the situation better. Commitment If choice is a mountain. comparison. we go into sacrifice with family members. At the deepest level. Control Any problem is an attempt to control another to do what you want or an attempt to control yourself out of fear you may go wild. but it is a role that hides our own fear of going forward. creating opportunities and making the way smooth. Every problem is a complaint against another person or situation. Competition is a mistaken attempt to satisfy needs. Page 161 of 184 . we are frightened of the person who is ostensibly in need of help getting better because then we would have to change. Commitment clears obstacles and difficulties. it points to where we are having a tantrum in an attempt to get our way. Competition When bonding is lost. It is a form of control that we use in an attempt to hide old pain. When we complain. If the problem is big enough. we try to deny our responsibility for what is happening to make it look like it is all someone else’s fault. Competition is based on scarcity. Complaint Complaint is verbal distemper used with hopes of having others or the environment change according to our will. Commitment brings about a new level of success and intimacy.Co-Dependency This is the fusion that comes about as the result of lost bonding. To be codependent is to be an untrue helper.

and how we play roles. so they can be healed. It is a way of giving up that brings about sleep rather than awakening. Dead Zone This is the final stage of independence. It reflects the ways we have withdrawn in our lives. and they invite attack. follow rules and act out of duty but not in an authentic. Although they were originally created to protect us from pain. most people or relationships did not survive the Dead Zone. giving way. a choice for the letter of the law rather than true integrity or authenticity. which would bring about an accelerated path to its dissolution. leadership. driven (or in some cases. that have been usurped by the ego. they are not God proof. It is a time when we have the opportunity to heal many of the compensations and fusions that began with our original families. In the Dead Zone we are engaged in the Oedipus Conspiracy. Page 162 of 184 . where we must face the defences our ego has generated to keep us out of partnership. it sets up a further problem to be solved. partnership. We feel stuck. A defence mechanism is a reaction that not only does not provide a solution to our problem. true friendship. sexually and spiritually. Defence Mechanism Defence mechanisms are strategies that were originally set up by the mind to aid and abet us. It represents a choice of form over spirit. lazy).Conspiracies Conspiracies are psychological traps in our mind that are set up so well that it looks like there is no way out for us. While conspiracies may seem to be foolproof. In the previous generation. vision and facing the fear of the unconscious mind. The Dead Zone brings about feelings of deadness that we experience emotionally. exhausted and depressed. It is the stage in relationships just prior to reaching partnership. which can be transcended through commitment. giftedness. When we are in the Dead Zone we work very hard but stay in the same place because we are giving but not receiving. or that we don’t have much of a life. they keep us stuck in it rather than resolving it. These chronic problems block us from accessing our soul-level gifts. We may feel like a fraud and a failure. A death temptation comes about because we think of death as a way out. yet death resolves nothing. It suggests that we decide by not deciding. Death Temptation Death temptation is the ego’s solution for a present problem or conflict. and are ultimately designed to be a conspiracy against our life purpose. competition and fear of the next steps.

pain. thinking we are not good enough for it. It fights God and our higher mind. the separation. the inequality and the need to have more than others that the ego desires. specialness. control and competition. even though it depends on the mind for its survival. pain. It is generated by domination and control. and it attempts to make us the supreme authority and the sole author of our lives. The ego’s plan is to get our need satisfied by taking from others. It is the part of us that wants to be in charge – ultimately. to be in charge of the whole Universe. so it is part of our growth path to develop strong egos. It brings about a splitting of the mind. Embracing Embracing is a feminine gift that allows us to hold. It viciously attacks us if we seek to transcend it. It is an act of emotional giving and receiving that opens the door for greater receiving. guilt. it is built out of fear. such as need. Once it is in place. The ego tries to convince us that our body is who we are. It eventually tries to kill us. It is one of the three major roles that come about as a result of lost bonding. It is an act of acceptance. it is more concerned with its own existence than it is in serving our true needs. or by weakness and victimisation (which is just a hidden form of control). distractions and all sorts of traps to keep itself strong. in order to progress forward into partnership and spirituality. It generates an inability to feel or receive because it generates conflict both inside and outside of us. In order to continue its existence. It is through giving ourselves fully that we are able to receive greatly. hunger and loneliness. but inside we are still feeling all the pain. Our ego is the ultimate rebel. Ego The ego is the principle of separation. Page 163 of 184 . The solutions it comes up with are solutions that lead to further problems. in which we look like we are in control and have it together. We all need egos to function in the world. The ego is starving for attention and wants to do everything its own way. Dependence is a strategy of the ego to solve the problem of lost bonding: we give up our own power in an attempt to use the power of another. the ego makes a pact with us – a contract that allows it to deal with the world and handle problems for us – and it uses delays. guilt or sacrifice. joining and integration that allows us to receive positive qualities fully and to heal negative qualities. Dissociation Dissociation is a defence mechanism of the ego meant to deny and protect us from certain painful emotions. we must heal the attack and self-attack.Dependence Dependence is the experience of need so great that we feel it necessary to be emotionally helped or carried by another. Then. experience and cherish.

You have Page 164 of 184 .Emotional Evolution These are the steps we take forward towards maturity. Fear Fear is a state of contraction brought on by separation and judgment. It either allows us to do something or gives us permission not to do something. abandonment. Fear of a Gift Under every problem. It locks us into dependent. integration. Because fear built the ego. which is a defence or denial of the gift. Excuse All problems are a form of excuse. and afraid of partnership and intimacy. the ego produces fear. joy. The path of emotional evolution is a path toward ever-greater truth. Fear comes from attempting to deal with the future. it has the same general dynamics as loss. our ability to give and to receive. wholeness and love. power and happiness. It is possibly the most chronic of the conspiracies along with the Oedipal Conspiracy. blocking life. success and relationships. You recognise the size of the gift by the size of the problem you are experiencing. As one of the great illusions that create misery. These roles are forms of sacrifice that you live out in an attempt to save your family members. the more successful we are in life and relationships. Every step in emotional evolution is a step forward in integrity. Family Roles The core roles of hero. while the other two of CharmerClown-Mascot and Lost-Orphan-Invisible Child are built on guilt and inadequacy. The greater our emotional maturity. rather than being in the present moment. whose happiness is more important to you than your own. Its expectations of the future are built on a dark past. Family Conspiracy This conspiracy directly sets up the Relationship Conspiracy. We believe no one could expect anything of us given the nature of our problem. fickle. there is a wonderful gift. martyr and scapegoat (bad guy) are built on guilt. you do not believe you or anyone else is worth continuous attention. need and unwillingness. independent or sacrifice roles. and it is one of its main components. This leaves you doubtful. Fear of Commitment Because of your lack of self-inclusion and self-value.

guilt. It produces sacrifice and attempts to compensate for feelings of failure. Fear of Loss All fear comes down to a fear of loss. Fusion breeds resentment. We are fused with another person instead of being bonded. Forgiveness Forgiveness is the most fundamental healing principle. It moves us forward in life out of the problems generated by grievance and onto the next step in success. co-dependence and enabling that is passed down inter-generationally. judgment and fear. as there is a thought that you will lose something precious to you if you take a step. and brings about transformation and happiness. Fear of Your Relationship Purpose You are afraid of how big the purpose of your relationship is. The size of the problem shows how big the next step is that the problem attempts to distract you from. You promised that together you would bring some gift to life through your relationship. It is a form of counterfeit intimacy that serves the ego’s goal to prevent us from stepping forward. you may want to go forward. or is generated through family dynamics when we lose our centres. Fusion Fusion is a state of lost boundaries. deadness and an inability to receive. This means that we hold onto them and suffer as they do Page 165 of 184 . The truth is that you will lose independence but gain interdependence. which feels more focused. It heals fear. Consciously. This may be a child or something that your love would create. It is one of the chief causes of major problems.misconceptions given you by the ego in which you think you will lose your freedom. Fear of Purpose This can set up very large traps or conspiracies that you use because you believe that you cannot handle your life purpose. There is paralysis about going forward. It always generates a “giving-forth” that allows us to transcend withdrawal. but there is a hidden part of you that fears you will lose something if you do. Fear of the Next Step There is a fear of going forward because of feelings of inadequacy and fear of not being able to handle the next step. freer and richer on inner and outer planes.

It is energetic. A human being has thousands of potential gifts just waiting to be Recognised. Whenever there is a problem. Giving allows us to reach out to others. God’s Will God is the greatest force of Love in the Universe. When there is guilt. Grievance Every problem is a finger of accusation pointed at another that states. His Will for us is our awakening and a return to the communion of love and joy. there is always selfPage 166 of 184 . While mistakes can be forgiven and corrected. healing and filled with feeling. Grace helps us to realise ourselves as children of God. Giftedness creates flow. Giftedness Part of the purpose of our life is to develop our gifts from a state of potential to a state of realization in order to enhance our life and the lives of others.which stops us from moving forward. Giving creates flow and is one of the essential healing principles. there to empower and enlighten us so that our way can be made easy and full of delight. This can be with a person in the present or from the past or both. which the ego uses to build and strengthen itself.” A blaming. It is God’s energy. there is something that we are not giving. sharing with them what we know is ours to share. love and light. We use guilt to hold ourselves back. this problem could have never befallen me. but like blame and judgment. guilt states that who we are is wrong and deserves punishment. Giving Giving is one of the essential aspects of love. Beyond time He is the principle of Oneness. His Will for us is our true will for ourselves – The best of All That Is. Grievances generate problems. Grace Grace is God’s gift to us. Guilt’s purpose is to paralyse us and build monuments to our mistakes. accusing attitude is at the root of all problems. One solution to any problem is to Recognise the gift the problem has been hiding and to embrace it. Guilt Guilt is the result of mistaken self-judgment. forever flowing to us in whatever way we need it. embraced. which protects your hidden fear of going forward. developed and enhanced by sharing. they come from your guilt. and protect ourselves from our fear of stepping forward. Fusion means we will have lost or blurred boundaries with another person. “If only you had not done this.

safe. created us as happy. and Wholeheartedness. which exhausts you and eventually leads to burnout. you give but are unable to receive. Every problem is an attempt to pay off guilt. grievances and attack. It stems from non-acceptance. joyous. it opens a door to happiness. Ultimately. Guilt breeds separation and it is the key dynamic of judgment. in my books 100 Healing Principles. guilt is an act of revenge upon others and upon God. Whenever we fully give ourselves. a disillusionment of major proportion. It is a way to get revenge through emotional blackmail. but our ego has other plans for us. if they got better. (I describe these dynamics in detail. radiant. Happiness Happiness is a by-product of love and creativity. and even rejection. You are doing the right thing for the wrong reason. then the untrue helper would be called upon to change as well. From the experience of higher consciousness you recognise and see others as you see yourself. You are able to Page 167 of 184 . It occurs when we have been dependent. remain small and not show up. as in any role. By taking on the helper role we avoid or compensate for the feeling of loss by trying to help others with their problems. happiness is coming to us all the time – we just don’t notice it when our ego interferes. it is humorous. Heartbreak Heartbreak is a shattered dream. It is our deepest nature as spirit. Higher Consciousness In Higher Consciousness we experience everything from a spiritual point of view. transcendent. In truth. In this role. Happiness is the very state of our being. Hiding Most problems give us an excuse to hide.) Helper Role The helper role (also known as the untrue helper or sacrificer role) is one of the three major roles that a person goes into when there is a loss that has not been fully or successfully mourned. we use heartbreak to fight back. On the other hand. and have lost the person upon whom we were dependent. as happiness. When we have been in a power struggle and lost.punishment and withdrawal. God. of what another is doing or saying. Heartbreak is an expression of frustrated need that attempts to manipulate or take in order to get that need met. it is a form of co-dependence because there is a hidden fear of the other person changing or getting better. healed and whole. This state is not only peaceful and centred.

yet all of us have some idol or other tucked away in the unconscious. supplanting Heaven and God with things that can never make us happy. You can usually recognise people with higher consciousness. and we will have to deal with them eventually. such as sickness. In this role we dissociate ourselves from need. hurt. because we cannot receive when we are playing a role. so we either turn towards another idol or towards death. where successful relationships and greater success are possible. These idols hide under our needs. lust. In the Judeo-Christian world. Here we have to integrate or heal that which has been buried or dissociated. It is used typically in an attempt to save the family by sacrificing ourselves to meet another’s sexual needs to keep the family together. most of us would never think of breaking the first commandment. power and fame and the more negative ones. which keeps us from going forward and secretly generates our problems. When we are successful in obtaining that which we idolise it only leads to disappointment and disillusionment. The compensations we develop to protect ourselves from the bad feelings are meant to save us from the pain. The ego relies on our lack of awareness and denial to keep these traps hidden. but they will eventually collapse. In the independent stage we exaggerate the masculine side of us in an untrue way. before we can move into interdependence. Incest When boundaries are lost and fusion occurs. Despite all the seemingly good or positive things that we accomplish through compensation. Independence Independence is one of the three major roles (besides dependence and sacrifice) that we go into when there has been a loss of bonding. An idol is a temptation we have fallen for. You float on the unfolding Tao. It is one of the greatest traps the ego has put together.intervene and help in creative ways. we are never able to receive the natural reward that should come to us. as they can’t seem to get that silly smile off their face. Idols Idols are false gods that we think will save us or make us happy. Holding On Most setbacks we experience point to where we are holding on to someone or something. failure and feelings of unworthiness. indulgences and addictions. feelings of rejection and heartbreak. fear. Independence is a stage of consciousness we experience once we have gone past our dependent stage. guilt. this is our solution for how it was when we indulged ourselves in an Page 168 of 184 . suffering crucifixion and death. There are the more positive idols. basking in bliss. incest (inappropriate sexual relations between family members) can occur. such as money.

Indulgence is one of the five major personalities (in addition to dependence. We attempt to dissociate past losses by pretending we do not care. since all problems come from the guilt feelings that spawn grievances. where mistakes are made the innocent Recognise them as a call for help and respond with compassion. Doing what we want and not being possessed by others becomes a way of life for us in this stage. Innocence God as Innocence created us as innocent beings. Indulgence Indulgence comes from need. There would be no problems. healed. Our innocence blesses the world and allows us to see others as innocent. If we knew of our innocence we would know that we are a child of God who deserves every good thing. We who feel guilty project our judgment onto God. willing. connected. but what we take we cannot receive. who is safe. It brings about feelings of guilt. Our conflict keeps us afraid of moving forward. The recognition of our innocence is one of the greatest gifts we can give to the world. The guilty believe in judgment. can only experience our innocence. who is innocent. indulgence is a form of self-medication. One part of our mind feels it will lose or not have its needs met if we move forward the way another part of our mind wants to. punishment and self-punishment. It makes us responsive. exhausts us and makes us feel guilty. but it blocks receiving. dark self concept and the untrue helper). We indulge ourselves and our problem gives us permission to do this. Indulgence stops our flow. Page 169 of 184 . It is an attempt to satisfy ourselves through some form of taking or gratification. God. independence. Inner Conflict All outer conflict in our lives comes from our inner conflict. felt guilty and punished ourselves. it makes us afraid of him. gives us our true sense of value and self-worth. Our indulgence may be physical. emotional or sexual. The burnout from the sacrifice leads us back toward indulgence in an attempt to refresh ourselves. Our innocence. Indulgence leads us in a vicious circle that can lead to addictions and death. Indulgence is a self-prescribed solution to pain and sacrifice. teachable. It is the ego’s solution to our loss of bonding but it simply does not work. but now that we are caught in the illusion of time. and the recognition of that innocence. for which we then compensate through sacrifice. Essentially. whole and holy.untrue and painful way when we were coming from our feminine side in the dependent stage. we have all made mistakes. leading to a vicious circle with sacrifice. Indulgence leads to excess and excess leads to trouble or ill health. and without receiving we can never be satisfied. open. This does not change God. Only when there is a balance and equality of our masculine and feminine sides will we reach the intimacy and success of true partnership. generous and receptive.

Only when we let go of all the emotional pain that we have swallowed from our families. It is necessary that we give God back his job so that we no longer carry our families and the rest of the world on our backs or in our stomachs. It is successful only to the extent that we have a specific highly developed psychic ability that allows us to heal the introjected pain – which is to say that it is rarely successful. Introjection The Psychology of Vision model recognises introjection as a defence in which we swallow the emotional pain of someone close to us. in which we join two conflicting parts of our mind into a new whole. Joining Joining is a unique Psychology of Vision healing method. Introjection is one of the more subtle and devastating traps of the ego. needs. can be integrated and melted together to achieve greater success. pain. vision and mastery. leadership. It can be done either through eye contact or energetically from any distance. intimacy and ability to receive. It is brought about by the integration of our dependence and independence. We end up carrying emotional burdens and pain that do not belong to us. communication and success. at some level. which brings about equality in our relationships and success in our world. That integrated whole contains a greater level of peace. as healing takes place at higher and higher levels. Joining is the method of extending ourselves to another on an equal. Interdependence This is the stage that begins with partnership and moves into friendship. In joining with another. willing to see them as our self. a form of integration. It is a way of connecting with another person in love until we see God looking back at us through their eyes. valuing different things. confidence. therefore. fear and other negative emotions are healed in an energetic uplifting through the chakras. horizontal basis. separation. This allows us to move through the major issues of our subconscious and begin to deal with unconscious or soul issues. Interdependence allows us to enjoy and receive. loneliness. friends and loved ones can we turn the mechanism of introjection over to the higher mind for its creative use. Interdependence is the balance of our masculine and feminine sides. The energy moves up through us until the issue being healed is Page 170 of 184 . It opens our mind to experience our giftedness.Integration Integration is one of the major healing principles. in spite of any healing or therapy we do to rid ourselves of it. the same pain can show up again in a matter or weeks or months. All healing is. The conflicting parts of our mind that are going in different directions.

forgiving and taking the next step forward in our lives. True leaders are lucky and gifted and have a knack for getting the job done at the least possible cost. In this way. but supports us in our lives. judgment is a perception of the world through the lowest common denominator.hearing the calls for help. Judgment Based on our own feelings of guilt. It cuts the ‘cord of attachment’ to fantasy. which generate stress. Our perception. unloving behaviour. A leader is a person of vision who is irresistible with integrity. It has the ability to put the greatest pain and shattered dreams of our lives into a new perspective. A leader always believes that helping another in a situation is much more important than any feelings of self-consciousness or self-attack. frustration and disappointment. giftedness. exaggerating and feeling the negative feelings until they have completely burned through and dissolved. Letting go heals the attachment that is at the root of all pain. re-establishing bonding and flow at successive levels as we let go. humour. childhood or before. A group supports the leader so that the leader can support the projects and well-being of the group. Letting go is the act of freeing ourselves of the attachment and needs that keep us stuck. When we are stuck in judgment we look out at the world and see the need to punish rather than seeing a world that needs help. Karma This problem is the result of a past pattern you set in motion through mistaken. joining with another opens the door to receiving Divine Love through connection with the Mind of God. which is coloured by our guilt. Judgment is one of the root causes of all suffering. and we feel so much love that we experience a state of bliss. This could come from past relationships. In this way.completely released. Page 171 of 184 . Letting Go Letting go is a healing principle that can move us forward in any situation. causes us to perceive others as bad and deserving punishment. expectations and perfectionism. intuition. playfulness and naughtiness. A leader is a person who solves problems or creates flow so that the group can progress. It is the art of responsiveness . Leadership Leadership is action for the common good. Our judgment is one of the root causes of any problem. we separate from others and see ourselves as superior. Major forms of letting go are: putting things in God’s hands. It is a form of attack that separates us from others in an attempt to prove our superiority. They bring in elements of brilliance. which no longer holds us back.

When we experience the state of Mastery we are so centred that we live neither in the past nor the future but in the here and now. Based on love. Our soul is the experience of our mind in time. It sets up deadness in relationship. They lead us away from life and towards death. Mastery Mastery is a state of consciousness in which we are aware of being. they transcend the laws of time and space. Happy stories. and are key patterns to explore in any kind of chronic problem situation. It typically begins in our original families when we throw ourselves away in an attempt to save those around us. They consist of both dark and healing stories. locks in the guilt and failure rooted in our families and causes co-dependency. Miracles Miracles are God’s answer to our problems and pain. broken bonding and loneliness. Masters are conduits of grace and inspiration between heaven and earth. need. grace and the recognition that we are God’s child. Mind God as pure Mind or Spirit created us in kind. Martyring This is the role of sacrifice carried to an extreme in an attempt to save someone close to us.Life Stories Life Stories are the unconscious scripts we choose to live by. Martyr-Sacrifice Pattern This pattern is generated by roles. innocence. Dark stories are mistakes based on specific ego goals and agendas that always lead to suffering. and dissolve the patterns and karma that are slowing us down and obstructing us. are life enhancing and move us in a positive direction. now that we have fallen asleep and are unaware of the state of Oneness. Loss on the earthly plane shows us that what we depended on could not sustain us and that a new birth is being called for that will create a greater or truer success. on the other hand. love. Loss Loss is the primordial experience of being separated from a previous state. Every loss generates fear. We can reach a state of having ‘no-mind’ to the point that we feel great joy. A miracle Page 172 of 184 . wonder. but there can be no loss without choice. What is accomplished through martyring could have been accomplished through miracles and grace.

These self-concepts are how we perceive and experience the world. Neediness When we are needy we are attempting to make others responsible for our needs. gifts and purpose. problems and self-defeating patterns. All negative situations and everyone involved in them reflect our negative belief systems about ourselves. attachment. Built on guilt.provides us a leap forward into a greater stage of truth. as all beliefs are self-concepts. loss or abandonment. there is usually some loss from which we have not recovered. Needs create illusions. Negative Beliefs No negative solution could occur without our negative belief systems. Needs are a core dynamic at the root of all problems. Needs make us feel empty and lonely and so we try to get or to take. When we are needy. It brings the Page 173 of 184 . They come from experiences of separation. no relationships. feelings of inadequacy and unwillingness. loneliness and a lack of love on our part. All of us have the potential to create miracles. Need for Attention Often. triangle relationships. We chase others away by our taking and lack of self-value. Because of needs. we use our problems to get attention. Needs We experience needs when bonding has been lost and lack occurs as a result. but we cannot truly receive that which we have taken. understanding or letting go and through other healing methods. It stops intimacy and success. My Way ‘My Way’ is the name I give to the attitude characterised by our attempts to have things our own way. competition and lack of bonding from our original family. miracles can be felt throughout the entire field of human consciousness. it generates affairs. We use situations and problems as an excuse to do whatever we want and not to have to compromise or take others’ wishes into account. although most of us have repressed this ability into a place deep in our unconscious. A need can be fulfilled by giving or forgiving. power struggles or complete deadness. Besides their ability to heal our present situations. Needs generate fear. we use situations to try to get love. Oedipus Conspiracy (or Oedipus Complex) This is a trap set up by our ego to completely block our moving forward.

and as we do. intuition and gifts. values and self-concepts. This turns our sexual energy away from our partner. Each personality came about through some form of separation or lost bonding. personality is a way to be alone together. Personalities Personalities are the self-concepts the ego uses to build itself. Our thousands of personalities all compete with each other for ascendancy. due to some choice we have made or some negative belief.transforms. Parenting True parenting is the art of nurturing. and that we have to go get it. Pain (emotional) Pain is a state of resistance that is generated when we make a mistake. Personalities are the first aspects of the ego that we take on and they are the last things we get rid of before enlightenment. Each personality is like an individual cellophane wrapper that prevents us from receiving or hearing the calls for help around us. to heal and to accept the situation as it is. Originally we took them on to be acceptable to others. From these stem the tens of thousands of personalities that may be in our minds. In other words. generating deadness. There are four major personalities: dependent. Personalities can also be negative and troublesome. The extent of our pain in any situation is the extent of our unwillingness to learn. but they have made us part of the lonely crowd. independent. Personalities take us out of the ‘here and now’ and tell us our happiness is elsewhere. Perception Perception is our visual experience of the world.transference of unresolved sexual feelings toward our family members onto our partner without conscious awareness.and how we perceive it to be . Each one stops flow. revulsion or lack of sexual interest because of the original feelings of taboo. the Page 174 of 184 . sacrificial and indulgent. fostering and guiding children. our actions have created a conflict. accomplish something or to have something. the world we see and experience is what we believe about ourselves. Each one has its own prescription for happiness. As we heal our mind. We can break through these personalities easily. inspiration. and will sometimes cause us to direct our focus outside the relationship. success and intimacy. Our perception is made up of the projection of our beliefs. Personalities can mimic a gift but they stop the natural reward the gift brings. Personalities are aspects of the mind that generate ‘doing’ in order to get somewhere. as well as making a place of safety for them to learn about life. its own logic system and its own strategy about how to bring that happiness about. the world .

Projection Out of guilt we split off part of our mind rejecting it as bad. Any problem is an attempt to defeat someone. As we do this. Problems are either an attempt to run away from our purpose or they occur to provide us with the crucial lessons we need to learn in order to accomplish it. how a certain problem serves a certain purpose for us. We repress this part. we receive the gifts and grace that create our happiness. It is what we have come for. Definition 2: Purpose is also a term used to describe the ego’s agenda. It is the alignment of our will with the Will of God. recognising ourselves as children of God. Radical dependence is the Page 175 of 184 . we can sometimes believe that our suffering will prove how much we love another. they are our attempt to defeat another in order to control a situation. judging them for what we feel guilty about. Power struggles come out of our authority conflict. Our purpose is our soul’s promise to help the world. All power struggles are based on fear of the next step. Power Struggle A power struggle is the projection of an inner conflict onto the world around us. It is part of a power play in which we use our problems as weapons. deny it and then perceive it in someone or something in the world around us. As we do this. for instance. Purpose The importance of living our purpose is one of the key principles of the Psychology of Vision. Purpose used in this way reflects the ego’s agenda or strategies – the mistaken dynamics underlying all problems.self-consciousness. we are able to hear and respond to the calls for help around us that the personalities were meant to prevent us from hearing. Radical Dependence This is the state towards which we are all evolving. Proving Your Love Through some misunderstanding. self-torture and self-attack related to problems falls away. Power struggle is a fight for control and is usually caused by old heartbreaks. Our purpose is usually so great that most of us spend our lives running away from it by generating obstacles and problems to hide it and to hide from it. listening for all of the guidance and hearing the answer to every issue. and each person in the power struggle is usually acting in opposite ways but feeling the same thing.

Resistance comes about when something other than what our ego has planned. hurt and even heartbreak. the situation or even ourselves. it sets us on a path towards heartbreak. It is inextricably tied with giving. and the greater the pain. It is the gift of opening ourselves up to embrace and integrate that which is offered to us. The old adage is that ‘rejection is projection’ – when we feel rejected. It might be our partner’s behaviour. and it is this act of judgment and rejection that generates the hurt. Resistance is brought about by the fear that is generated when our different personalities want different goals. We pay attention to them and keep them in our awareness and. If we don’t learn this lesson. it is a feeling that we don’t want to accept something and therefore we need to push it away from us. so that as we receive more. except when it serves its ulterior motives. Most human beings are very poor at receiving and it is only when we achieve a balance of our masculine and feminine sides that we can learn to receive well. This has the effect of generating resistance. occurs. we open the door to receiving. we naturally give more and. as this would lead to its destruction. create a flow forwards. with that. Resistance Resistance is a state of stress that is brought about through unwillingness. Recognition Recognition is the interest and appreciation given to another. the bigger the problem. Page 176 of 184 . Only to the extent that we give recognition will we feel recognised. It is the experience of wild joy. Receiving Receiving is the feminine aspect of love. The ego despises recognition or appreciation.simple mystical state where. it is actually we who are refusing to accept something. This makes it really difficult to recognise or be recognised. creativity and boundless love. Rejection Rejection is the experience of feeling pushed away and unwanted. we give up our fight with God and. the slower we move forward. as we give more. The greater the resistance. in so doing. These mistaken feelings of rejection are usually brought about when we are trying to get or take something. The problem of whatever we are suffering comes from our refusal to accept. our need to be separate. to ever-greater degrees. which causes emotional hurt. This comes about through our own resistance and refusal to accept things the way they are.

in this stage we project our idealised self onto our partner. To be responsible is to step up and take our place in leadership to bring about greater success. but we can move through it easily if we give through the pain to whomever needs help. It is one of the three key roles used to compensate for loss. Roles Roles are compensations over feelings of guilt and failure that began with our original family. and the state of love. Revenge plays a win-lose game and locks you into a vicious circle with heartbreak. They cause us to do the right thing for the wrong reason. Although romance is based on need and illusion. The ego tries to confuse responsibility with burdens and sacrifice. Sacred Fire Pain This is pain that emerges out of the unconscious triggered by a painful experience in our life. It is an attempt to remedy things by giving ourselves up or throwing ourselves away. cohesion and teamwork. Romance Romance is the first stage of relationships. These roles have us give and not receive. this stage can serve to show you the possibility contained within the relationship – what it can become when it is healed and whole. They lead to feelings of deadness and burnout. Revenge The problem is an attempt to get back at someone for new and old hurts. but it brings about fusion and increases the sense of failure for which it was meant to compensate. If we feel above others.Responsibility Responsibility is ‘response-ability’: it is the art of responsiveness.” It is a level of pain that takes us to our knees. It puts us either above or below others. and they make us heavy and tired: Living in a role in our relationship is like having a suit of armour between us and our partners. It is what psychiatry calls “primary process. this generates a new birth to create a new chapter in our life. You may be attacking someone directly or attacking yourself as a way to get back at someone else. joy and creativity becomes a matter of course. we tend to carry them and if Page 177 of 184 . Sacrifice Sacrifice is one of the key roles we take on and is based on guilt and unworthiness. It is hearing the calls for help around us and moving toward those who need us. At this stage. we are uplifted by and attracted to them because they seem to fit all of our missing parts.

we feel below them, we sacrifice ourselves to them in order to feel worthy of the relationship. Sacrifice is a hidden form of competition and as such it carries with it the fear of success. It is both inefficient and ineffective because, in truth, nobody is called upon to sacrifice; what is done through sacrifice can be accomplished without it. Sacrifice is giving without receiving, so it is inauthentic and leads to feelings of deadness and burnout. Any problem is a form of sacrifice. We are giving but not including ourselves in the giving or the receiving. Scripts These are the recipes or stories that we invent and then live by. We assign scripts for others to follow and are upset when they do not live by them. We fail to recognise that, at subconscious and unconscious levels, we are writing everyone’s scripts (even those who seem to frustrate us by going against what we think we want) in the hopes of gaining certain payoffs. Self-Abuse This is the self-attack and self-torture brought about by the feelings of inadequacy upon which all personalities are built. Every problem is actually some form of self-abuse that comes about through feelings of guilt. Self-Attack Self-attack is a way of punishing ourselves because of our self-hatred. Brought about by guilt or anger at ourselves, it is an attempt to beat ourselves into shape. This ego strategy never works, of course. Selfattack is probably one of the greatest problems in the world today. From it stem all of our troubles and all of our attack on others. In any negative situation, we are using the problem and the pain it causes as a form of self-attack. Selves These are the personalities, self-concepts, or parts of our mind that have their own agendas, believing they know what will move us forwards and make us happy. (See Personalities) Separation Separation is the root of all problems and it brings about all of the destructive and self-destructive elements that exist in our lives. It is the opposite of love – it generates fear, guilt, judgment and authority conflict. It is ultimately based on the illusion that led us to ‘fall asleep’ and lose our awareness of heaven and Oneness. Every problem comes as a result of separation. Separation breeds problems, and problems

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are wedges that keep the separation going. Where there is love and bonding, the problems and separation naturally melt away. Shadow Once we move past the ‘Romance Stage’, our partner will often become a shadow figure for us. This may include many shadows, all of which are our own self-concepts. We judge ourselves, repress what we have judged, project it out and reject what we see of ourselves in another. We often compensate heavily for these self-concepts, in which case we deny that the shadow has anything to do with us. At other times, it is easy to recognise that we act in the same way as your shadow figure and we Realise easily that it is our own projection. Shadowland This is the first step of the Power Struggle Stage where we tend to project our shadows on our partner causing them to become our worst nightmares. Specialness Specialness is the ego’s answer to our need for love. Whenever there is a great gift, the ego makes a counterfeit of it (in the way, for example, that sacrifice is counterfeit love) in an attempt to lure us away from the real thing. The ego is afraid of our gifts because the love that comes from sharing our gifts melts away the ego. Specialness is based on getting the most attention, either positive or negative, in order to feed the ego and make it stronger. Specialness is one of the main traps in relationships as it prevents equality, success and intimacy. With specialness, we make ourselves more important than our partner or our relationship. We make the relationship all about us. Every problem somehow makes us special. Spirit Spirit is the state of being; the fabric of love, light, Oneness and the nature of God in ourselves. It is the state of eternity. Spiritual Dependence (See Radical Dependence) Spirituality Spirituality is the experience of seeing life from a spiritual perspective. The spiritual path is one that leads us towards love, happiness and Oneness. It is the desire for truth that leads us forward to be ever more joyful, effective, full of grace and innocent.
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Split Mind This is the state of the ego. Our mind has been split in so many thousands of ways through self-judgment and self-attack that it has become virtually impossible to know what it is we think we want. Our split mind generates conflict, which is one of the roots of all problems, ambivalence, resistance and fear. Spirituality is the path of healing our split mind so that we want just one thing: ‘Seek ye first the kingdom of Heaven, and all things shall be added unto you.’ Taking Taking is an ego strategy designed to fulfil our needs. Taking generates fear and is the stuff that rejection and heartbreak are made of. What we take, however, never satisfies our needs – it actually makes them stronger because it has no way of increasing our self-worth. In truth, taking makes us feel guiltier, which adds to our feelings of unworthiness. Taking is at the heart of all power struggle and deadness because we pull back to keep others from taking from us. We seek to take in order to be fulfilled, not realising that it is only in giving, loving and creativity that true fulfilment can be found. All problems at some level are an attempt to take. Any suffering, hurt or problem covers a place where we are attempting to take from another out of our neediness. We excuse our preying on others because of our need or pain, though we may be unaware of this as usually we dissociate from these feelings. Temptation Temptation is an ego trap designed to stop us just before we reach our goal. Typically, the ego tempts us with a quality that would be realised as we reached that next step, no matter how unbelievable it might seem. The ego knows what we think we need and uses that as a means to distract, delay and stop us. Temptation can only lure us because of our need and guilt. Only what tempts us can kill us. Temptation is always a sign for us to commit to our goal or our partner and invest our energy in something that will keep building our life rather than just satisfy a passing fancy. Testing The problem you have is one you are using to test your partner to see if they will respond correctly. Transference All problems are from the past. They are unlearned lessons and old traumas that have festered and remained inside is. Then we transfer the past problem into the present. When this happens, we have the opportunity to heal not only this problem, but its roots. If you pull a problem or weed up from its roots, you get the whole thing.
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Vision Vision is a joining of heart and mind in which we open ourselves so completely and give ourselves so utterly that a new and positive way shows itself and carries us forward in inspiration. Unhappiness Unhappiness is a state of withdrawal in which we have lost our centre and our sense of self.Triangle Relationships This relationship trap is generated by the Oedipus Conspiracy. thinking it will be just like the past. a mistaken attempt to protect ourselves from fear or to pay off guilt. If we would only listen. Our victimisation paints the face of innocence on us. We are afraid of our future. to indulge ourselves in some way. Even now. Unhappiness comes from our mistakes and miscreations and from listening to the ego’s voice rather than that of our higher mind. This trap may be foolproof. If we were to completely give up all victimisation within us. it would carry with it not just the answer but also the grace of the answer. The Oedipus Conspiracy. which is generated by lost bonding and feelings of guilt. we would be enlightened. We are having a tantrum over an experience of loss rather than letting it go to make way for a re-birth to a much better level. whispering the answer. so the obstacles that we face now are really unfinished business from the past and the fear of the future. to be special or even to sacrifice ourselves to try to save someone else. our victimisation is an act of revenge. to be right about something. Being trapped here is the expression of our lack of belief that we could have all of the qualities we desire in one person and have true love. an attempt to defeat someone. Committing to the truth and the next stage of our life with our whole heart can bring resolution to this situation. We have stopped giving ourselves and we are not open to receiving. Victimisation Victimisation is a key ego agenda that is designed to keep us weak. We use it in an attempt to get permission to do something or to not have to do something. is just one of the ego’s great traps that keeps us from true love and partnership. to prove something. Vision is the creative future that shows us a better way. Our victimisation is the result of both self-attack and a grievance with a significant other. which transcends the re-runs of the past as they play over and over again in our lives. Vision cuts through all of Page 181 of 184 . And these are just a few of the ego agendas present in victimisation. but it is not God proof. It is one of the weakest and most painful positions in life. however impossible it may seem. Despite how it looks. while we attack a significant person around us. the voice of God is within us. It is an attempt to hold on. All three people involved are afraid to know the truth and to have the problem resolved. Victimisation denies accountability and hides the subconscious and unconscious patterns and choices that brought it about.

The Dead Zone Stage The Dead Zone Stage is the third stage of relationships. Page 182 of 184 . The Power Struggle Stage The second stage of relationships. we pull back from life and those around us. All of the differences that at first excited us become the grounds for fights until we build a bridge between us in this area that reflects the best of both our and our partner’s way. Success and intimacy are ours within the relationship. we have come to a committed relationship with our partner. It shows us the next step in our life’s purpose and allows us to let go of what is unneeded so that we can focus our life in a truer sense. and leaving a bridge for others to follow. a balance in our life and in our relationships. competition and the fear of the next step. we now work through the difficulty and fusion and sacrifice brought on by family roles. Vision is leaping the abyss out of love. We are inspired. the Power Struggle Stage. The Stages of Relationships The Romance Stage The first stage in a relationship is when we have fallen in love. There is a balance within us. is one in which we work through many of the differences between us and our partner. It is a time of harvest and enjoyment. As we venture everything in ourselves. the Oedipus Complex. All of the differences provide the excitement. withholding nothing. we learn individuation. even intoxicated by our beloved. In this stage. the birth of new vision can come about. Partnership In this stage. This makes everything thereafter difficult and a form of sacrifice. Having worked through much of the differences in the Power Struggle Stage.that to show us a better way. self-value and valuing others through commitment. and this creates a successful flow in our lives as a result of our relationship. Withdrawal Out of emotions we are afraid to face.

Many of the walls have dissolved between us and our partner leaving love and being in its place. We live in a creative. Our relationship will inspire others with hope and give them permission to succeed in their relationships. The Mastery Stage This is a stage of relationships where not only both people in the relationship have become masters. Our relationship also brings creativity and vision to those around us. and our relationship itself has taken on a leadership position. in-love relationship in which our relationship itself provides a gateway to greater love.The Leadership Stage This is a stage in the relationship where both we and our beloved have become leaders in our lives. The Vision Stage This is a stage where both of us have become visionaries and bring new and original contributions to the Earth. miracles and being for us and those around us. but the relationship itself has become a living treasure. Page 183 of 184 . showing them a better way. also. The relationship itself has become a vehicle to realise joy. Spirthill Page 184 of 184 .psychologyofvision. For full details visit us online: Psychology of Vision UK Naish House.More about Psychology of Vision and our events Dr Chuck Spezzano and his wife. International website: www. courses and groups around the country. Wiltshire SN11 9HW Tel: +44 (0)1249 760486 Email: info@povuk.psychologyofvision. For details about all Psychology of Vision local and international events and products. hold lectures and seminars worldwide. please get in touch with In the UK: There is a team of trainers facilitating events.

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