Humor by Brianroy: “That didn’t go over too well”

(First posted by me on August 21, 2011 )

This is a fictional short story about a plagiarist journalist that worked for a well-respected Print and Internet Leftist Media, who was so used to fabricating the truth, that he was incapable of discerning his own chronic plagiarisms that even a child could catch him at. Upon getting terminated in a plagiarism scandal that rocked the nation, followed on the heels of a fabrication scandal that rocked New York City, this Leftist Character decided to call on an uncle who was an executive Vice-President in a very successful Candy Novelty Enterprise for a job to tide him over until the fury of the betrayed media public died down. On his first day, Uncle Jon (aka. "Uncle Jack") assigned Jason Tehitz (aka. “Jay Tee”) to a department of new ideas and development. Wishing to make a good impression, Jay Tee came up with several innovations with items that he brought with him in his personal use and possession, and decided that these would be enough. The next day, Uncle Jack decided to stop by and ask Jay Tee how his first day went, and did he have any new ideas. Jay Tee had several. The first item up was a large over-sized lime lollipop 3 inches in diameter with a band-less Timex ™ analog wrist-watch just beneath the surface, and the time could clearly be seen ticking away. “This is my first creation, the Limex. It takes a licking, and keeps on ticking. Sells for $29.95. If we want to be inclusive of the Gay Community and Prostitutes, we can shape it like...” “Don’t you damn well say it!” his Uncle Jack suddenly interrupted. “We are a family friendly enterprise. You just tried to rip-off Timex of its world famous slogan it has used for more than 4 decades, you moron! What else?” Jay Tee paused a moment, and stared in mild disbelief. Then, he reached for a bag of about 15 oversized clear menthol Peppermint cough drops. They had what appeared to be a liquid filling that sloshed around inside when he picked them up and presented them at shoulder height to his Uncle. “What’s this?” Uncle Jack asked.

“Give me a „wow” Humongous Peppermint Cough drops. Each loaded with about ¾‟s of an ounce of Peppermint Schnapps. I only made as much as I had in my flask. I call it Schnappswell-house candy. It‟s good to the last drop.” Uncle Jack coughed twice and then fumed, “That’s another rip-off name and slogan from before you were born until today. 'Maxwell House Coffee is good to the last drop.' Are you trying to have Kraft Foods sue us into insolvency? And furthermore, my sister’s son, are you telling me that you showed up to work drunk, and drinking a flask of Peppermint Schnapps? That you put your filthy germy liquid into my candy? Do you have any idea how much it costs to sterilize the equipment, and what this shut down will cost us? Didn't you know that we are regulated, and have to report this violation?” “Uh, no. Uncle, only the Conservative Right is stupid enough to have to obey the law. We are the elite. The law doesn‟t apply to us in the same way.” “Jay Tee, where do you come up with this stuff? You were Columbia educated. You got a Master’s in Journalism, and have a Bachelor’s in Business Administration. I'll give you just one more chance to redeem yourself. And if you don't, so help me, Jay Tee, so help me...." "No problem, sir." Jay Tee continued. "I got exactly what you need. It is cutting edge, and we can not only corner the market, we can make a whole new one before anybody else does. This next one is a special gum. It's especially good for all those kids that are bummed out on a crappy life, and like the Muslim Quran, targets kids ages 6 years old and up. If they can make a choice of having consensual sex with adults, like we now have the National Education Association teaching in our classrooms, and Aisha did in getting engaged with Mohammed at age 6 before losing her virginity him at age 9, then kids of like ages can also all mellow out on hemp gum before or after getting laid. It's a special recipe passed from father to son, as my father gave me. I used half a joint per stick. Look here! I had enough on me to make a whole pack of 10 sticks! This one can't mi---('gasp'!)" Jay Tee suddenly felt a steely-handed death grip closing his windpipe at the top of his neck. Suddenly the room began to spin as his oxygen supply was cut off and depleted with his last gasp.

Enraged, Uncle Jack furiously growled, "You just shut up, and listen to me, boy. You’re fired! And not only are you fired, but you can tell your dumb-ass father that your being a freakin’ retard is from his gene pool and his side of the family. And you can tell your mother, my sister, that she’s a dumb ass for marrying your dumb-ass father and having morons for a legacy. Now get out, and don’t ever call me Uncle or ever have any contact with me ever again.”

With that, Uncle Jack spun Jay Tee around, grabbed him up with great strength and ease by the belt and collar and lifted Jay Tee on his toes, giving him a wedgy all the way to the parking lot

(distance of perhaps two football fields in length). And once there, booted Jay Tee so hard, it was as if Mr. Dither’s elevating Dagwood Bumstead in the comic strips. Jay Tee flew up feet first off the ground a good 4 ½ feet high or more, letting out a “Yeeeoooow!” Uncle Jack’s sole broke in two from the impact, and he angrily limped back into the factory, breathing just shy of heavily.

The following week, fresh from his failures, Jay Tee (upon dropping his drawers and showing his temporary “battle scar”) was welcomed with open arms as a true plagiarist, ahem, Leftist journalist, and happily and prosperously found himself writing for both an major unnamed New York City newspaper and a New York magazine. He was also a favorite guest of the most highly rated and watched Left Wing Television Show hosts and any other talking head who could care less about the truth as long as the guest bashed on Conservatives for any reason or no reason. In fact, the television hosts loved him all the more when he plagiarized his host’s words as if they were his own. Jay Tee found that Fictionalizing, like Crime, pays. Truth simply leaves you with a size 12 shoe –print on your rear, and a black and blue imprint that his own doctor guaranteed to be in the same pretty much in place for more than six weeks, but after a couple weeks, it would lose its original size and shape.

However, his comeback and comeuppance was short lived. While in a museum with a producer and several journalists and several more technicians after exploiting 8 days of fame, Jay Tee dropped his drawers one too many times, and mooned two nuns and a group of 29 Second and Third grade" girls from a good Catholic School who had just come around a corner into the hall where Jay Tee was making an exhibitionist of himself publicly. Jay Tee was promptly arrested, and cited for "indecent exposure; and 31 counts of sexual assault, 29 of these to minors under the age of 12".

The next day, standing before a judge “Jay Tee” was asked to enter a plea, he turned facing away from the judge, yelled “Not Guilty!”, bent over and suddenly dropped his drawers, hoping for the judge to carefully notice his (now unbeknownst to him, deteriorated and unrecognizable as a shoe-print shaped) black and blue mark on his rear. Suddenly, there was a loud profane noise followed quickly by a horrible stink, as the act of suddenly bending over caused Jay Tee to pass gas long and loud for about 9 seconds. He was immediately ordered for a psych eval by the judge and taken away. He hasn’t been seen or heard from since. It's rumored that in the faint echos of Bellevue Psychiatric Hospital, and you pass by the street below, you can (from time to time) still hear the fellow patients singing to him, "A sprinkle each day, helps keep odors away!" Perhaps, instead of "Shower to Shower," they should have been recommending "Beano". I don’t know about you, but I would have to say, “That didn’t go over too well.”

Sign up to vote on this title
UsefulNot useful