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, in chronological order. some entries have been omitted due to lack of relevance all text/data contained in this in other words, they’re my memories. if to anything human-oriented, and the format of some entries has been altered, mostly spaces deleted in order to make it shorter. conglomeration of entries is ©jon schaub-2007.
for any reason you have the urge to suddenly... i don’t know... use something i wrote in a letter to your grandma or something like that, just send me a message first via www.myspace.com/ifonlyonce i hope you like reading it as much as i did re-reading it. because i was there. -jon! take care, and never forget! i don’t know... maybe it’s
if you get anything out of reading this, please, let me know.
play practice - 08:43pm 19/02/2004 play practice is fun, its great, its the best thing ever invented... until i get there. people just don't get it... i'm fine when i'm taking 1 on 1, but when there gets to be mass groups of people (3 or more) it freaks me out and i want to shrivel up into a little ball. so, that being said, vandy's paper is really stressing me out, i keep trying (wanting) to work on it and just get it done, but i keep getting side-tracked and end up with 3 1/2 more hours racked up on kirby and a quazi-crap thesis statement... i don't update my journal much, i'm just that much loser, so if you see me, knee me in the... you know... and tell me to update it. one last thing... whats all this talk about gay people? nothing against them, but it really peeves me when i hear someone talking about them behind their back and starting rumors. so... yeah... quit it! i'm sure they don't start junk about you. and yup, thats about it...
[untitled] - 10:30am 24/12/2004
wow... its been forever since i wrote last. just another grey christmas break, beth dropkicking nick, sam screaming like someone tried to kill her, the usual. and incase you're wondering why theres two answers to the quiz above, when you take it, the quiz shows you %'s for each character. i got 49% for yuki and shuichi. ^_^
weeee, christmas! - 07:00pm 26/12/2004 well, theres always that one christmas entry, so here's mine. it all started christmas eve, my stomache was kinda gurgly, i thought i'd eaten some of my moms food again. as the day went on, it got worse and worse, until my family went off to church, leaving me home. after church they were going to go to the first of three family christmas parties, one christmas eve, christmas, and the day after. about an hour after they left, i really started to feel horrible... then i puked, i threw up eight times, at least thats how many i'm guessing, because i got distracted by these tiny chunks that looked like brain and lost count after the fifth time. anywho, that was my wonderful christmas eve. on christmas, just really achy and i only threw up once. much better than the day before if you ask me. my kitty layed on me all day as i played my new ps2 game, star ocean (its awesome). she smells like butt. and today, i'm feeling much better, cept i woke up with a bad headache and had to miss church (awe darn). this may sound like a bad christmas, but it was actually the best christmas i've ever had! no one fighting or yelling, i got to stay home all day by myself while the rest of the schaub mob went to parties and church and stuff. but really, it was my favorite christmas.
mirror of my mind - 09:25pm 26/12/2004 "make the world your enemy and your friends will soon follow" –js
mirror of my mind - 10:05pm 26/12/2004 "you never know who you can hurt until you try" -js
i don't know... it seems that so many people are hurting others, maybe out of some sort of curiosity if whether there actions will actually influence those around them or make an impact, so they try something and it works, but then its too late, and they hurt the ones they love. it seems so sad.
post-it notes own - 01:52pm 27/12/2004 well, i'm not really doing anything else for the next week, cept going out the movies with two people. if anyone wants to hang just give me a call! if you don't know my number then... oh well... you should just know my number.
enervation - 01:58pm 27/12/2004 kacey, you rock my fricken socks, and i don't know why. keep being a kacey ^_^ that reminds me, i got some elmo socks (yes, elmo, sesame street) for christmas from my grandma... i don't know, must be a grandma thing i guess. i'll wear them monday. they look funny but holy crap there warm and fuzzy ?=d
i can't wait - 05:39pm 29/12/2004 tomorrow's going to be so fun! i get to hang out with two of the awesomest people on the planet... if everything goes right of course.
back in my corner - 07:27pm 02/01/2005 i'm so frustrated i don't know what to do... i could just kill myself, literally. why are my parents against everything that i'm about? it seems that every time i try to make something of myself they step in the way, doing anything they can to stop me. i'm so fed up with everyone, why can't they for once let me do something on my own, or am i really that horrible of a person that they need to keep me locked down and away from the world? everything that i've tried to do, they make excuses, like "you can't because you don't really need to" or "we don't have the money", but it's all a bunch of bs. talking makes me want to scream until i bleed.
mudpuddles - 08:03pm 02/01/2005 well, i had a good weekend, until i realized how stupid i actually am... it happened while i was at a new years party, i got a reality check that makes me question myself about a lot of things. i've never hated someone so much. i want this person to just dissappear, get out of my life, but some reason they keep tormenting me and screwing up my life until i can't live anymore. me
temporary insanity - 08:45pm 02/01/2005 so many things are racing through my mind... so many emotions and untold thoughts, i honestly think that i'm going crazy. have you ever had that feeling that you know you've failed before you even started? i'm trying to drown my mind right now, anything to make it all go away, and a few things are working. i only hope i don't slip up and hurt someone, i wouldn't be able to forgive myself again... right now, i'm waiting for the one person that i know i can talk to, but i can't seem to find them. i don't want to end up doing what i used to in order to relieve pain, but i'm killing myself on the inside, and i'd rather die outside than in.
falling to fate - 06:05pm 03/01/2005 everything seems so useless these days, being beat down by even the slightest of difficulties. each day seems less valuable than the last. i used to hide behind my computer, burrying myself in games, then i moved to music, losing my mind in its flawless rhythms, but now i don't know if anything can kill the unsettling thoughts of my mind.
ambition - 10:35pm 09/04/2005 the more simple life seems, the harder it is to figure it out... i don't know what that meens but i thought of it when i was out walking one day. i don't know why, but i've started walking quite often, almost every day for about two hours, i'm not sure whether
i'm trying to walk away from something, give myself time to think, or find somewhere that i can find comfort with myself. the issues in my previous entry's aren't as bad as i imagined, i kind of just pushed them down into the depths of myself and let them fester for a while until they one day decide to go away, it's always worked for me before. i've been thinking lately about a lot of things, mostly about life in general, but also on where i want to go with myself. i can't seem to put a finger on what i'm all about, or what my meening in life is yet, and it's sort of depressing in and of itself. as of now i don't really have high expectations for myself, but for some reason i keep waiting for something to happen, for me to have my one chance to shine and show everyone who i am and everything, to be myself like i want to. nothing in my mind really makes sence anymore, almost like it's playing games on itself. this probably makes me sound crazy, but everyones just a little bit crazy, so i have no problem with it. i can't get past the thought of what i want to become, there's so many things that i want to just get out and do but some reason i'm holding myself back, or others are holding me back, there's always something. i'd never be able to wright about my true feelings, or tell anyone for that matter, because i've haven't yet found the perfect person for me to share something like that with yet, and i probably never will. i don't know, i guess i'm waiting for the perfect person to just fall out of the scy right on me and live happily ever after, but being a perfectionist, i don't want to accept anything less than my very strict guidelines of what i want. there's only been one person that's even matched a few out of the endless list of requirements that i'm looking for, but i know when i find the person, i won't even care about what i want anymore and all i'll care about is them, like nothing else matters. kind of cheesy in my opinion... just another fairy tale. no matter how hard i try, some people just can't be understood. they get so angry at little things that they can't really see the big picture, which i still don't see, so i'm being rather hypocritical. there are others that just destroy and cause so much corruption, as if trying to infect the world. i don't even know what i meen anymore. everythings changing. i don't know why, but lately i haven't been able to sleep. i'll lie awake until about 3 or so in the morning, or at least that's when i stop checking the clock, then be awaken by myself maybe a half hour or an hour later. i'm not really hungry anymore either, it's sort of odd. everyday i'll start off with eating a bowl of cereal, and at night i'll maybe eat a sandwich (usually pb&j) or some microwaveable thing we have in the freezer, but for about the past week and a half that's all i've been eating, and i don't really get hungry; i just eat so i don't get something crazy like malnourished and
have all my hair fall out or something like that. something just doesn't seem right. wherever i go, i feel like i should be somewhere else, and when i get there i feel like i shouldn't be there. i want there to be one person that i can just tell everything inside me, but there's a certain lack of trust i guess that keeps me from doing just that. i couldn't think of the word earlier, but a great one just popped into my head. it's almost like i feel all numb, numb to the world and to my surroundings. sort of withdrawn, but from here i can see everything for what it really is, that not always being a great attribute, because some things i've looked up to or prided are just fake, flimsy, false idols blackened with the corruption that results from living in the world that we do. i hate it and everything it symbolizes. america. i don't want people to think that i'm the huge anti-american anarchist kind of person, because it's not true. i love the american government, i just think the people living here are a collection of the worst abominations in existance. *(i just had to stop myself from going on about how masked americans can be, it was going to be very long and criticizing.)* my birthday's in a few days, and just like all the other years i really don't care. my birthday's never been anything special to me, just an easy excuse to get a few gifts from my parents or whatever, and it's been harder every year to even find something for that. every time someone askes me what i want now, i really don't know what to tell them, that's how it's been for the past few christmasses, and now for my birthdays too. i don't know what's happening to me, or even if i like it or not, but i guess i'm just waiting for something to happen. something big. and i think i know what it is... but i can't allow it to happen, because life as i know it will change, and not necessarily for the best. it's almost like being told "you can be anything you want to be" then coming to a harsh realization that you really can't, that you're just another number in the croud, another lifeless face in the world of doubt. i can't really describe what i'm feeling, or what i've been feeling for the longest time, but it's sort of an unease. i can't put my finger on what it is, or why it is, but i know the sollution, just not how to get there, or why, what. i'm so confused right now, i think the night's getting to me. if anyone actually reads my journal anymore they'll think i'm some freaky psycho. maybe i am... with every day that goes by, i can't help but wonder why. why about a lot of things, things everyday people wouldn't expect, but why about everything in general. it just
makes no sence. i really don't know what i want to be when i grow up, ever since i was little i wanted to be a mechanical engineer, and i knew what that was when i was little because i used to be brilliant, but no so much anymore. when i got into highschool i wanted to go into music performance, and i still do somewhat now, but not anywhere near as much as i had when i first got into highschool. so far, altogether, i've wanted to be a surgeon, musician, psychologist, mechanical engineer, photographer, writer, actor, scientist, investigator, the list goes on. now all i want to do is think and study language, how people interact and what makes people do what they do. i want to learn the mind. some reason the thought of learning multiple languages has appealed to me, but i don't see myself having the mental capacity to master even a second language. for my birthday i was thinking about going to barns and nobel and buying ten or so books on language and maybe another five on social interactions, the human mind, many things... i just want to know why. why me? i have to go for now though, i would of written pages more, but my parent's are getting irritated by my pounding away on the keyboard at midnight, and there's some things i wish to think about. quote from me: "make you're own cage and you'll never know freedom, for you're the key" – js
the day before tomorrow! - 03:17pm 14/04/2005
i'm really hoping to go to the amityville horrow, if anyone wants to go with me just (i prefer that you're 17+, you know, the whole rated r thing)
no one believes me, but i swear that physician at the career day thing was gay... he told me he liked my shirt anywho, i'm unusually happy today, probably because i'm listening to good music and it's sunny out, who knows, my minds kinda freaky. i'm still lookin for "them" to find me, if you know who "they" are then tell "them" i'm lookin for them.
returned - 10:11pm 03/06/2005
hi everyone! i haven't been able to write for a long time, it's been really stressful this year, sorry! so here's what's been goin on. i played at my sisters thingy -graduation- yesturday, it's kind of sad because it's me, playing for my sister, the only semi-sometimes-cool relative of mine (except for some other people i'm forgetting). (if anybody's interrested, i have a really interresting story about what happened just before i went there) today's been kind of a down day... i'm don't know why, and i guess not knowing why makes me even more down. the end of this month's going to be aweful! just don't ask... there's two reasons, and i think they're part of why... band camp is comming up soon, like tomorrow. i can't wait to go, cept i'm going to be a senior ;( i wish i could stay a junior forever, they really do have it best. even at band camp, they are third-time-returning-members, so they're kinda looked up to, and they have experience, and they don't have to be all sad about it being their last year. being the end of the year, i actually want to study for once for exams... if anyone wants to study with me (and i do meen anybody) just gank my phone number, pretty much everyone has it since i tell everyone never to give it to anyone. i gotta catch up with how everyone else's journaling is going, i'll write again soon! want of the moment: i have to get a job in something with music or i'll die! (*dies*)
a piece of the madness - 05:21pm 06/07/2005 first of all, what i'm about to say isn't intended in any way to be insulting to anyone! if it is, i'm deeply sorry and hope you accept my apology. i don't understand what the big deal is with the whole gay marriage thing. in my opinion, you don't have to be married just to let someone know that you love them, or let everyone else know that you're in love with someone. honestly, i think marriage as a whole is ridiculous, whether gay or straight.
why do people get married? is it a kind of promise that the two will always love each other forever until they die? if so, then why do so many people treat marriage as more of a burden than anything else? i'm honestly starting to believe that marriage is only a symbol that the two people will only sleep with one another and won't be promiscuous and sleep around, or with anyone else, but after i've deeply thought about marriage in that since i still can't understand why people get married, because most married couples stray away from even that concept and get "bored" or angry with their marriage and still sleep with someone else. this is how i view relationships. you should read carefully, because i don't think i've ever said this to anyone before... ever. relationships are for the easily misled, simple-minded people. why do you "love" your boyfriend or girlfriend? is it that you love them, or is it that you love the feeling that have when you're around them? it's not that you love the person, it's that everyone is self-centered and loves the feeling they get when they're around that other person. i'm not trying to make it sound like i'm all supreme and perfect, because i'm not. i like the feeling i get when other people are happy, so i'm always trying to make sure everyone's happy just to ease my own greed to make myself feel good. to relate this to what i said about marriage, why does everyone feel they have to legally bind themselves to someone else just to be able to get that good feeling when they're around that person? isn't the feeling good enough? i'm not trying to say i'm against gay marriage, but i am, and all marriage at that, (yes, i'm against straight marriage). i believe marriage (next to religion and sex) is one of the biggest factors in the world's crime and sadness. i think it's bad enough that people start to act like they own each other when they start dating, but put a document that show's the people are "legally bound in marriage" behind the relationship and that's when people really start going crazy. it always starts out "yeah, we love eachother so much and i'd never do anything to hurt [him/her]!" then after several years, sometimes a just a few months, it turns into "well, the only reason we're still together is because i don't want to go through the hassle of divorce" or "i don't want to do that to the kids." the most i've ever liked someone (that i'll talk about ^_^) is just my plain old friends, but you don't see me trying to go out with them, or act like they're mine!!! and being a jerk, monitoring their every move to make sure that no one else tries to like them or divert their attention from me. another thing, why is it that all the "normal" people get to decide and make the laws and
standards as to what you're allowed to or not to like? if someone were to love something else, lets say movies (you know they're someone out there that can't live without the feeling they get from watching movies...i think...) they don't "love" movies, they're looked at as obsessive and odd, maybe mentally ill or as we americans call it, have a "mental disorder." back to the whole gay marriage thing, who ever said it isn't "morally acceptable" for a man to get married to a man, or to love each other for that matter? all the christians, and especially the catholics (trust me, my entire family is catholic) say "it's against the bible, it's not what god intended." yes, i completely understand, i'm sure that right when the first gay couple got married, god pulled out his calling card and was like "yes... i need to speak to pope john paul...... hey john, how's it been? long time no see man! anywho, there's this guy that loves this other guy, and that's just not gunna fly with me, if ya know what i mean... i mean, adam and eve's children slept with each other to populate the world, but a man being with a man? that's just weird..." and the pope said, "i understand... i guess we'll do what we always do when the catholics feel like we need to control something... we'll use politics. the us government is so screwed up anyway, they'll do anything we want 'em to... especially since it's 'in the bible' so it must be right... mwa ha ha ha ha..." ok! now, i'm not saying that love and relationships are bad to any extend, just what they contain and what people do because of them are sickening. the only laws that i believe are justified are the ones that ban relationships on the basis that there are proven effects, such as mental instability or mental illness, physical damage, or something like that which could be the result of the relationship. by this, i mean like older men getting married to a young child. this could cause obvious emotional effects and result in serious mental problems for the kid, so it actually makes since that we'd ban something like that... but putting a ban on something like gay marriage? i guess it just shows the extent of the conformity inside the us. if you're not "normal" and love someone of the opposite sex, then you're not allowed to love anyone at all, so ha! this is pretty much why i hate the us so much. it's taken this "conform or die" attitude where everyone is criticized for showing how they truly feel and what they truly believe in. sometimes they don't even have to write a law banning something, they just criticize someone until the person (or people) fall into a deep state of depression and kill themselves, and tada~! no more problem! school... i was almost tempted to make this into a totally separate journal entry so this one wouldn't be a novel, but since i'm here anyway i guess it doesn't really matter. the biggest thing i hate about school is the constant aching drama. it's become such a huge problem that everyone's thrown into a huge panic if there isn't complete and utter
chaos for a day, "oh my god, what do we do? there's nothing to gossip about or rumors to spread around. i think i'm going to be sick..." lately, it's been more like a competition. someone starts something, most likely just for the rush and the drama that it'll cause, then rushes to see how many people they can backstab before anyone figures out they were behind all of it. it's great. take kacey and myself for example (this is just and example (kacey's my best friend in the u.s., right next to phil)). someone (generic guy bob) spreads this rumor that "i heard kacey telling all the drum majors that the color guard is the worst section in the band, and that jon's been sleeping around with guys, jessica's dog, and big bubba at the corner, and he uses his flag as a..." you get the point. then bob, as fast as he can, runs around spreading all these other rumors, starting all these mini problems trying to cover up all the crap he's started. that's your typical day at orchard view. good job kids. what's with everyone at orchard view feeling like they absolutely have to be dating someone, and if they aren't than they must be worthless or something. honestly, i think that people today are so dependant on making themselves happy with these fake relationships and drama that they go out with someone just for a moment of happiness, then break up just to create drama to get that rush even higher. dating is like america's new cocaine. it can make you happy, but it doesn't do anyone any good. ever. and, in the end, it only ends up tearing you up inside. now, about the highly controversial message i'm about to post that i'm sure will get a ton of replies and cause so much drama. ok, when i think about relationships and me, it's kind of a joke inside my mind that i play with myself. i'm so picky and precise about what a relationship has to be like that i don't think i'll ever find the right person for me. first of all, and most importantly, i don't believe in sex, in any form. so if someone has sex pretty high on their list, or finds it most important on their list of priorities when searching for someone, look the other way because i'm not interested. because of this, i believe that if i ever do find the perfect person for me, it won't matter if they're a boy or a girl, because sex won't be a factor, it'll be just based on personality and how i feel when i'm around them. no matter how much i like them i would never marry them. i think that if i did, it would completely kill the relationship (and if it turns out to be a guy then it probably won't be legal =p). this doesn't in any way mean that i'm bi or gay, or even straight for that matter. i guess i'm just the result of years of criticism and mental illness, or maybe
i'm just a freak. i guess i've always had this image of a fairy tale love, where when i meet the person, i'll just know that they're the one and nothing will matter anymore. (yes, i'm sure i'll get a lot of criticism about that. be my guest, post away.) i know it sounds cheesy, which even i'm saying it does. that's why i'll never date, because i doubt i'll ever find anyone that's just the way that i've always imagined, and i won't take anything but perfection (it's a terrible state of mind, i know). but when you're dealing with something so unimaginably powerful, why even think of accepting anything but perfection? if you accept anything less, you're just setting yourself up for failure, whether personal or a broken relationship. this is why i truly can't understand why so many people go from relationship to relationship, failure after failure, like this new one will be somehow better than the last, then they end up crying because it wasn't. someone needs to beat them with a stick. you'd think that after the first time they'd realise that they can't just pick a random person and develop a relationship with them just because they're lonely or feeling like they're missing something, it's not going to happen, so stop trying! honestly, being someone's boyfriend or girlfriend when you know that they don't really love you, they just want you in bed, or that they're just with you for your looks or popularity, the first time could maybe be called a learning experience. the second time is just plain stupidity. the thing that i love most right now is music. well, i don't love music, i love the feeling i get when i listen to it or make it. can't marry that though, but i bet if i tried they'd make a law against it. (don't worry, i won't try. it was a bad joke anyway) school. the nation's try at a revolutionary new dating service, or an a place to get an education? i'm really starting to believe the first... i have to go study and read and all that stuff, but if anyone found this offensive, i'm truly sorry, post me a message or something... wow, +2,500 words of pretty much nothing. go me! -(all those times i said that i don't date, i lied. it's just so highly improbable that i'll ever find the perfect person for me (and since i won't accept anyone but the perfect person) it's just easier for me to tell people that i don't date, which in a way i really don't.)love: i think that too many people today are confusing the "need to date someone" with "love".
do people really love each other, or are they just comforted by the other person, under their little security blanket having that need to be dating someone fulfilled? i think that the two feelings are too easily misrecognised (i think i just made up a new word). i also believe that less than 1% of relationships are the true "love" and not the other. but; when you absolutely know that he or she has to be the one for you, what if... could it ever be possible that there is someone out there that's a better match for you? in a lifetime, i don't think anyone could ever find the one that's absolutely perfect for them in every way, shape, and form. i guess our world relies on these imperfect relationships, because if we all wouldn't settle for anything but perfection, the human race would cease to exist. but i guess it just makes me wonder what it would be like if everyone had actually found the one perfect for them, i guess i'll never know... people die for many things, usually "justified" on some basis of religion or moral belief that what they are doing is righteous. somehow i've come to the conclusion that anything worth dying for is worth living for, and vice versa. there are few people i'd gladly take a bullet for, i'm not yet sure whether it would be because i love them or because i want the last memories of me to be that of the heroic one that was so selfless he gave his life for others. another memory, another lie. i guess, to sum up what this whole things about, i'm waiting for the one person that i'd go anywhere, do anything, be myself for. one of the best friends i've ever had, now no longer with us, used to hate it when i wasn't being or doing what i truly wanted to do or be. that's just one of the things i'm looking for in a person, the kind that isn't fooled by the things i say, fooled by the way i can twist perception to make anything look how i want them to see it, which i hate to admit but i do often. i guess what's holding me back is the personal hate i have for myself, for who and what i am, everything i represent. i feel bad because i guess some parts of the above post have made a few people question their relationships. but, anything i say could possibly even make you think about questioning your relationship, are they really relationships that will last? i'll always be searching, always.
boo - 02:24pm 12/07/2005 yep, it's official, i'm going psycho again... oh well, it happens. i'm mostly posting because i lost track of the days, just been sitting in my room, sometimes moving to the couch, and reading about 14 hours a day, but sometimes i cheat and get online for a few hours. i haven't felt the sun on my face for about 3 weeks. to be honest, i'm kind of
scared to go to band camp because i've changed so much, and i don't want people to not like me anymore or to go there and find out that they've changed just as much as i have. i'll just have to wait and see how things unfold.
quote of the... i just thought it up... - 11:00pm 15/07/2005 "music is like drugs for the soul. band geeks are kinda like the crack babies" -jon schaub
just shoot me now - 11:39am 23/07/2005 good god, is it just me or is everyone freaking crazy? i'm beginning to believe that stupidity is contagious. right after someone does something completely idiotic, i think to myself, "wow, you can't get much dumber than that." and just then, someone else proves me wrong. i don't know, i guess i'm just upset at the moment. that being said, i've finished a few of the books i've been studying this summer, not finished with any of the language ones because you almost need an english degree just to read them, but i'm getting there. i can't wait to go to band camp! i've been eating microwaveable food since school got out... every day... i guess it will be kind of fun to make a friend, and make freshmen be my friends. i can't wait to see merchant! i haven't seen him all summer, maybe he's gone through some super transformation like on the fantastic 4 and become superhero merchant fantastic (get it? mister fantastic? (...boo...) ). i've found a new substance that's better than drugs (i think...). it's french vanilla coffee creamer. not the coffee, just the creamer, it's delicious. it doesn't taste too bad in coffee either. if anyone sees audra let her know she's my favorite and i still would like to learn piano if she doesn't hate me! quote of the moment: “nĭ huí chī nà ma?” –js
band camp!!! - 11:00am 24/07/2005 i can't wait! this'll probably be my last entry for at least a week because i'm going to... wait for it... band camp!!! it's always so insanely hot, sweaty, always ache, always have a sunburn, freshmen screwing up things (or shooting un-named teachers with water guns while they're in the bathroom), nastily tasty food, grumpy friends all around... it's quite possibly the most fun thing i've ever done in my life. i am a little worried about how things will go seeing as how we haven't had our pre-camp senior meeting with merch yet and camps tomorrow. it'll be fine, that's why we hire people like phil and erica's mom. ahh, my julie's going to camp. i always feel safe when she's there because i know if i do something stupid and jap a flag through my leg, she'll be there to put a bandaid on it and make me giggle too. i saw her and my, my kc, in walgreens (did i spell that right?) and i was getting dimetapp (i don't think i spelled that right...), childrens dimetapp, because we all know that works better than anything else. boo claritin d. i still have no clue who i'm rooming with... at band camp, it's not really about who you room with, but who you room above. yes. ask anyone, they'll tell you. i really wanted my health to get better before band camp but i guess i'll just have to bare with it for now. it's been exhausting day and night not sleeping but if i can do it at home then i'm sure i can handle it at camp. i just hope that i don't get dizzy and pass out on the field from my meds, that'd be sad and i'd be so embarrassed. i'd get run over by some freshmen or something and die. a freshmen with a plastic sousaphone... i want to bring my alto to band camp to help anyone that wants help learning parts, because i'm pretty good at sightreading, so is kacey and she's bring hers, so why not? i just don't want to appear all show-offey, especially to the freshmen who don't know what i'm really like and have them take that as the first impression. oh well, if they see me as being a show-off, i might as well look and play fricken awesome doing it, right? i have freshmen buddies! i want to be so meen to them just because it's supposed to be tradition (but hasn't been... sadly...) but i'd feel so bad if i made them do something that embarassed them and made them cry. i'm most excited to see people like my stephie, audra, brittney & brittany (i don't know how to spell either...), kooi, you know, the elite four(ish) posse. i get to see my kacey and phil, and nancy, but i'm kind of dissappointed because i wanted to practice early like we were supposed to, but i'm sure nancy had a good reason why she couldn't. things
happen, people get busy and caught up. i swear to god, i will make ashley powel(l?) the most popular kid at band camp. i don't know what it is about her, maybe the red hair, but i think she could be a really powerful leader, but no one believes me! one day she will rule the world! mha ha ha ha ha or it may be because she's the only person to shy to talk to me. which is weird because usually i'm too shy to talk to anyone else so other people feel bad and start talking to me, but she somehow resisted my rediculous and complex trap. i've been trying to invent a substance that we can stamp onto a freshmens hands every morning and that only washes off after they bathe. yes, i could make millions. i could change the world of hygiene foreva! but really, if you march 9 or more hours a day, do us all a favor and drink the water from the pond (and die) or make yourself nice and minty fresh. well, i've been meen enough for one entry... so i'll start another one after i eat lunch. have a good next week! i hope to see everyone at camp!
i can't wait! - 12:40pm 31/07/2005 so, all i have to look forward to is my big package. it's supposed to get here with a bunch of stuff in it and i know it's going to be so cool! it should be here about two weeks from wednesday (i think the 20th). i'm going to get some pens and some books and some stuffed animals, i love stuffed animals.
it's like christmas - 11:55am 04/08/2005 it's here! i can't believe it, i saw the mailman pull into out driveway and i about peed myself, so i opened up the door and took the package and ran. he said "sir, i'll need you to sign here..." so i did. i got books and pens and so much cool stuff! i'm lookin for my digital camera so i can put up some pictures.
into the future - 09:37am 07/08/2005 i've been thinking a lot about what i want to be when i grow up. the truth is, i don't think i'll ever make up my mind, but i have narrowed it down to about four things. from what i want to be most to least, it goes: 1. musician (rock) or surgeon 2. musician (sax or piano or something like that) 3. psychologist 4. actor 5. radiologist 5-ish. scientist 6. graphics designer 7. engineer, maybe electronics or mechanical 8. architect 9. judge, lawyer, senator, something in law, i like how politics is fun to twist 10. writer / author 11. composer / songwriter 12. artist (painterish) so i lied, i haven't really narrowed it down. i thought i did. i guess it's just too hard to narrow it down with all the opertunities there are. why does america have to give us all these hard choices? why can't they just be like china or something where they're like "hey, you'll play piano" and you play piano day and night since you're a little kid? it would make it a lot easier. "hey, you're a surgeon." *scalpals the cat* i wish i could just do everything one at a time and rewind after i've learned it. the only reason i don't just become a doctor or surgeon is because you waste sooo many years bound up in medical school, i don't want to dedicate that many years to strictly reading and studying and have no social skills. i'm also weary about becoming a musician because, honestly, i suck at singing and playing guitar. i don't even know a little about how to play the guitar, but i want to. one thing that i've always wanted to do is do voiceovers for cartoons, but not like little kids cartoons, like movie cartoons. like anime movies. that would be so cool. i also think it would be cool to design clothes. this is because my body is all funky shaped so it's hard to find clothes that fit me, so i want to make my own and make them look spiffy. i've wanted to become a scientist and develope defensive weapons, or defensive armor. i think it would be cool to get a degree in metalergy or something like that. i'd like to research various fields like electromagnetic fields and see if i could manipulate them somehow to actually create a barrier sort of thing that could repel bullets, explosions, radiation kind of things. like the gungans energy shields ^_^. or i would want to develope very high powered weapons, like particle accelerating rifles (bullet is supercharged and shot at insane speeds) and assault weapons. i wouldn't want to do any explosives like missiles or bombs or anything like that, what fun is blowing stuff up? this is more like a fantasy than a goal, but i'd really like to control a nation. what i'd do is build huge walls, kind of seclude the people from the rest of the world, and
only let the best scientists and researchers in. then we would develope the best technology of anywhere, and about 30 years from now we would unleash it on the world and take it over, and create one giant nation so there's no war and rediculous fighting. just one nation. the only thing that i know i'd be able to do forever and still love it even more is music. that's about it...
i got it! - 02:03pm 08/08/2005 i know what i want to be, but i don't really think i have the talent to. i want to be a musician! it would be so cool to sing or play an instrument infront of thousands of fans, even doing something as small as playing for maybe a hundred people at orchard view is such a rush. mmmm. i feel like a little kid in a daydream, it probably won't happen =(
just been thinkin - 12:22pm 25/08/2005 i guess i haven't posted in quite a while... so i thought i'd get caught up on that. language and culture, some reason i'm fascinated by those kinds of things. quite sick for a while, but especially this past week's been horrible. get to a doctor soon... i haven't been many places this summer, at least not as often as i thought i would durring school. i've really been thinking a lot, i'm still not sure why, but every night i guess it's kind of like my own little way of this is probably the reason before i go to bed i will spend anywhere from one hour to four hours just laying there thinking about anything and everything. contemplating and meditating on all the things i don't understand, which is so many things so it's no wonder why i spend so much time doing it. four just think. i have problems sleeping, i only sleep maybe four hours a night because i spend the other anyway, moving on to something more interresting... i've been in
the past few weeks i've done quite a bit of band and colorguard stuff, but also studying i should really
...color guard is going well, i think this colorguard is much stronger than last years
guard, maybe because of the new instructor, maybe just from the different people in it, i'm not sure. i almost don't want to be in it because i feel more judged in a way, like i if i always do everything right i'm going to look like a perfectionist show-off. i just hate doing anything wrong... ever. i hope this next year i'll get to be in the play or musical and talent show. of ironic and confusing but that's how it works. you're going to mess up. of it. i'm not particularly thrilled about this next school year. i meen, i do get to see a like i'm going to i really kind
probably am a perfectionist though, it's not that i like doing things right all the time,
like that stuff, but i hate it because i get so nervous and i hate being on stage.
i get the best feeling when i'm playing
on stage for people but i hate how you know they're watching you, and only you to see if i guess the two go hand in hand and you have to make the best
bunch of old friends and hang around normal people for seven hours of my day instead of my family, but somehow i know that something bad is going to happen. pretty much anything you can think of i've thought of going wrong. this past saturday i had the opertunity to play at the class of like '65 or something like that's reunion. it was horrible! everyone else there was good, i think tony, adam, now, this was my first adam, jessica, roger and me went. i'm not sure if roger went... but i think he did. fail a class, or i'll get there and find out that all my friends moved over the summer,
anyway, we were supposed to play the fightsong twice, that's it. face it, it's really easy. i meen, it's the fightsong.
time ever playing the fight song on alto, and i had to sightread all new music, but lets so it should of been really it easy, but i didn't have a flipfolder, or a lier, so i had to play it with one hand. that needed the other, so i was out of luck for those...
wasn't too bad because *most* of the notes only needed one, but there were about 7 notes on top of my horrible playing, you know how it's supposed to go "(click click click click) bum bum... bum bum... buuuuuuummm bum bum", well, i haven't played it outside of pepbands for a longs time, so it went more like "(click click click click) bujon schaub" enough to follow me so i didn't look like a complete idiot. horrible playing, bad start, $100 check... it's all good. lately it seems that many people are just, well, avoiding me. with it if i just knew why. most intelligent person. i wouldn't have a problem everyone else knew what they and afterward, they didn't were doin, but somehow i came in about eight seconds too early, but everyone was kind really say anything about it, but i know they all knew i messed up, it was obvious.
it really gets me upset when people don't like me, but
especially when i'm left clueless, like i am most of the time just because i'm not the i don't know...
i'm always thinking, my brain's constantly buzzing about something.
like a few minutes
ago i was listening to a song, so i started to think about the lyrics and chord progressions and vocals, sounds and how they're made and everything that you shouldn't be thinking about when you just want to enjoy music. then that got into me thinking about why they wrote the lyrics and i make a little music video in my mind that goes with the music, then i start to think about what kind of people would like that music, or do like that music, and what it'd be like if they had wrote the song and were famous. mess. times. was thinking so much i didn't hear the last four and a half minutes. like when i just want to enjoy music... just like it's a and after listening to the first ten seconds of the song, it was over because i it's frustrating at
that's kind of like what happens when i try to go to sleep, i start thinking. that.
i've been thinking a great deal about what i want to go into for colege and as a job in general for the future. i really would like to be a shock trauma surgeon, but the 12+ some reason, i'd they usually make years of schooling it takes after highschool is just too much for me. getting out of medical school and starting my first job... at thirty.
feel like i've wasted half my life away studying when i'm thirty years old and just around $250,000 per year, which i admit would be more than nice, but to me it's not enough to cover for all the lost years that i could be out there making a name for myself doing something else. i would rather be dirt poor performing music for a living as long i'm just crazy like that. as i'm known than not be known and have tons of money.
beth was kicked out by my parents about two weeks ago (i think it was two weeks ago). she apparently has been telling people that if they wanted her contact information to get it from me, but she hasn't left me anything and i haven't seen or heard from her since she left. it makes me think that my paretns are literally going insane. my dad is always *grumpy* (he's a jerk...) and it's driving my mom crazy, literally, she talks to herself and to me like she's talking to someone else, and she's constantly doing anything she can to get out of the house, she's a mess. it's not just from him though, he's probably the biggest part, but it's also from her migraines she's had since she got in a car accident about five years ago when she hit her head. people aren't always what they seem. i've been friends with this one person for a long
time, probably one of the first people i've been friend swith since middle school, and they've always been the same and i've liked them for that until about a month ago when we started talking more, and they've changed, like they believe they always have to come first and if they don't someone's going to pay. their needs are more important than
anyone elses... but i try to be fair and help who i think needs the most help, and they don't like that... i don't know, it just bothers me. everything in the world is about money. more power. even in places like schools, the more money, the when i get older, i
it's pathetic that the needs of people are surrendered when money is
involved, people become all chaotic and violent, people go insane.
only want enough money to keep me going, or doing whatever it is that i end up doing. i'm a really stubborn person, and if there's something i want i won't stop until i have it. people see that i'm dedicated, at least i try to be enthusiastic with everything i maybe i am a perfectionist... i usually don't talk about beliefs because it can do, because i think that if you don't do it perfect the first time, it won't be perfect when you most need it to be.
i'm not quite sure what i believe in. extreme. paganism. kinds. but i'll talk about mine.
get people very upset if your beliefs are different or if they think your beliefs are too i'm not sure exactly if there's a name for what i believe in, so far all i can draw is that it's a mix of druidism, satanism, and before you go all "ahhhhhh", when i say satanism there's many different the kind i believe isn't in worshiping satan, it's the belief that there is no people look down apon this belief and classified it
god and that you have to enhance your own mind, body, and spirit to become a supreme being, like an angel but not quite. with satanism because they see it as being greedy for power and "thinking you're better and more powerful than god", but i don't care what they say, it's my belief, not theirs. with druidism and paganism i believe more in the earth-based parts of the religion. more like an earth science. something, you can do anything, literally. them hurting you? it's i think that as long as you try, if you put your all into i believe in things like trees have souls,
much like humans only different, and that you shouldn't hurt them because would you want i also think you shouldn't hurt animals, because even though they one of my most out there beliefs is aren't human, if you hurt them it's still painful.
that when you die, you're soul is manifested into the thing that you least respected, or that you were the most cruel to so that when you die you can see what it was like to be that thing and you can grow in wisdom. i don't know, i'm just a crazy high-schooler. on a more religion based scale, i believe there is a heaven... or at least there will be someday. i think that people will have to set aside their differences and work to build a heaven on earth, when the world will truely be perfect, but since that's so highly improbable because of wars, personal bias, racism, violence and all of that, there may never be a heaven. i'm saying that i believe if there is to be a heaven, we can't hope for some divine intervention to raise us up to some promised land, we have to make it ourselves and that's the only way, because if you die, you'll just be cycled back onto
earth through reincarnation until worldly perfection is achieved. i think that over the past year or so i've grown greatly in mind but my body is kind of fading away. it. i've been really sick for nearly five years but not many people know about so far i've been z-pac 12+ i have a bad infection that my doctor keeps giving me medicines and antibiotics for,
but they only help for a month or so, then it all comes back. take it), and others that i don't know the names of.
times, levaquin 3x, biaxin 1x, ceptra 1x (it made me through up for weeks so i couldn't i've been on oral steroids about five times, not the kind you use to bulk up and get stronger, but the medicinal steroids. that's why i've been really sick for the past week or so... enough with the self-pitying, anywho; my computer's been working for almost two days straight! won't turn on again for another month. tuesday morning. post this. my schedule this year is kind of upsetting... 5th hour, and band 6th hour. this year i have jazz band 0-hour, college this is the computer that won't
work for a whole month, then magically turn on for about ten minutes then freeze up and but it's been working flawlessly since about i should stop talking about it before i jynx it and it stops before i
class 1st and 2nd hour, english 400h 3rd hour, psychology / sociology 4th hour, speech i wanted to take something like living skills this year i don't this year's going to because i like doing things like cooking and sewing, crafty kinds of things. have many classes with people i know, especially the college class. homework...). every year before school starts i set a goal for myself, usually it's just personal growth and that i don't get bad grades. exchange student friend. last year it was to help people, like my this year i want to help people again, but not just like people i'm not quite sure how i'll find people like that,
be tough, more than previous years, but i think i can do it if i try (and actually do my
that have obvious problems like language, but people that are maybe having a hard time or have problems no one else can see. but maybe i'll come across a few. this year is my first college class! classes. i'm taking three science classes the first marking
period, then three every marking period after that for a total of twelve science i have to schedule new classes for every marking period, but the ones for the well, i'm can't find my mccid, but when i do i'll post them. it was right under the monitor... wait a my first marking period classes it's going to be so first one are... are:
minute... found it!
cellular prospective, the plant kingdom, and the living plant.
much fun, i think that going to college will be more fun than highschool just for the
fact that everyone that is there <i>actually want</i> to be there. been with since fourth grade.
and i get to meet
people out of my normal grade level, more than just the general senior class that i've
not many people know where i came from, and most non-seniors didn't know that i moved here in fourth grade. muskegon. i came from the little town of watervliet, about an hour away from from there, you can you should visit this link: http://www.watervliet.org/ ;
click on schools and stuff to see what my old schools were like, i went to south elementary school and started at north middle school at fourth grade, but apparently they've turned north middle into north elementary school since i've been there... like seven years ago. i still remember everything about there, perfectly, my old phone it number, the names and addresses of everyone on my block, exactly where everything is. within walking distance. peaceful. i have a few appointments comming up, like my eye appointment with dr. otto to get them checked. i may get contacts, i don't know, i'll try them and see if i like how i look (i look kinda freaky without glasses), but all my appointments this week are on fridays! someone remind me to get with mr. merchant and see if they're durring football games or performances or something, i've forgot for the past two weeks and i don't want to be there before the game and be like "see ya... i got to get my eyes checked" gotta get yo brain checked, they is a performance in tree seconds." anyway, i just want to get back to school, i want to go out and do something, i don't really care what. just call me ^_^ i'm up for going to the movies or out to eat if anyone's interrested, . since i'm getting paid from going to that gig for the class of '65, well, i've blah'd enough for one sitting, maybe bye for now! (merch:)"yo
was a very small town, like the church, firestation, post office, and "downtown" were all i wish i could go back there just for a little while, it was so
i finally get to buy a dvd that i've been trying to get for a long time, so i can finally complete the set! it's so exciting. more to come in the future. someone call me so i can do something!
"if it's music from britain, how will we understand the language?" "oh yeah... don't they speak english?" - (jon to nancy, said with all honesty)
free hour!!! - 09:31am 29/08/2005 yeah!!! this is so cool. i just got home from going to 0 and 1st hour like 2 minutes ago.
i just realized that i get a break every 2 classes. my schedule is 0,1, .5-1hour break, 3,4, lunch, 5,6, go home. i just thought it was really cool so i wanted to post, tootles!
so far down i fell from the sky - 11:35am 03/09/2005 i've been really down lately, mostly in the afternoon and at night, and i'm not quite sure why. it's been getting progressively worse. but today, i woke up and i'm feeling better than ever! i'm just generally happy about everything. i plan on slowly getting back into reading like i used to, it is very hard for me to read so i haven't read a book for a few years now. i guess i blame my big spout of happiness on music, because i didn't do anything different this morning, but i sat down and played games on my computer, but this time, with music. i have a lot to owe to music, it has stopped me from doing so many things, and helped me make the final decision for a lot of things. i have no clue whatsoever what i'm babbling about. i'm still quite sick and congested this morning, like i've been for the past month and before. lately i've been talking to john wu's best friend, cai, over the internet and with microphones and all that cool stuff. he's brilliant, i meen, his english is beyond mine and the extent of what he knows, even about things such as local news and biology and all that stuff is baffling. i hope i get to talk again to him soon, it's always interresting and educational. that's about all for my short little update! didn't want to scare anyone with more 28004000 word posts again... smile! ^_^
in all honesty - 08:55pm 13/09/2005 i've been thinking, as i normally do, but this time mostly about myself. i've been asking why i've been so down lately, and i've found the source of my depression. i cannot tell anyone though, because they would not understand it, nor would they likely accept it. one reason i keep winding down the same path of mind everyday is because not only am i upset from this one instance, but for the first time in my life i do not know how to fix it and make everything better, which slowly tears into my sanity, worsening my depression. with each day it becomes harder to hide, which is also a cause for my unrest because i've always been able to hid my personal feelings, the pain, from most of those around me; but as i count the days i find my ability to mask all feelings fading along with my remaining happiness.
this is probably the most information i've ever given out about me... ever. i hate talking about my feelings. i was thinking about making this journal private, which is likely to happen if i am ever to write anything even relatively this personal again...
check this out! - 04:28pm 21/09/2005 i just realized something... and after i say it i bet you'll go look through every reply on my journal just to see if i'm lying. ok, i just realized that pretty much half the people that read and reply to my journal have man icons... well, man + man icons. kinda freaky. it makes me happy. well, it makes me smile when i think about it... you're all a bunch of perverts; go away. i'm thinking about turning my whole livejournal private. then i can start writing the really freaky stuff. jessie keller is probably going to kidnap me for interogation by the end of the week. that is all. things i made up: (i never actually said them... but i thought about it.) "those who speak the most are heard the least." - js "every band was created equal, our equal just looks better." - js "respect is gained through the actions of the remembered, not the quantity or content of his words." - js "there is no least but first." – js
important! - 09:15pm 26/09/2005 due to recent happenings, i am going to try my best to express in words my beliefs, my thoughts, and my opinions. because these are so personal and valuable to me, i will only be allowing very few people to have access to these. if you want to be added to my list, reply to this message, but know and understand that you may not be selected to view the content of these entries. the selection will be based on who i believe will benifit most
from this, who has the most objective point of view, and those that i believe are open minded; reading only for self mental-growth and will keep all of my thoughts private.
i have a new pet! - 09:29pm 27/09/2005 i got a venus fly trap today! it freaks me out.
yup, the science says it all - 08:06pm 04/10/2005 recent studies confirm actually how much i hate my dad. i had to search far and wide for a word to describe the hatred. after several years of searching, i found the perfect word to describe the intensity of the hatred, "trejknad". it comes from a language spoken by the inhabitants of guam, a small city on the planet pluto. (they have had extremely cold weather and torrential snow recently, so i will be setting up a relief fund to help them get through their hard times)
just been thinkin - 09:14pm 09/10/2005 been thinking about a lot of things, and it's past my bedtime and i really want to share what i'm thinking so someone has to ask me at school what i'm thinking.
the list of glory justice - 09:59pm 14/10/2005 this is henceforth to be known as the list of justice glory (or the gj list). people on this list are recognized for their unique and outstanding personalities, either toward me only or to everyone in general. and so without further adu (ado? adew? a duu?), the list of justice glory: 1. (first place grand prize). (in no particular order). kacey w., phil deyoung, beth, ru, j.k., nate brandow. 1.1. daniel torez.
1.-2. steph schugars, heather torez, gerard way. 1..5. tsai, sarah g. 19. brittany c., bowling for soup's bass player, other. if you are not on this list, don't be offended; i didn't get on it either ='( this doesn't really rank people, if you're on the list than you've done something really cool, or i imagined you did something really cool. people in 1, 1.1 or 1.-2 are people i hold to the absolute highest respect. people in 1..5 are people that go on and off the list so much that i feel they deserve their own ranking; or it could be people that i really just don't know where else to put them. section 19 is people who are temporarily off the list, but i feel they will get on... someday...
fanaticism - 10:29pm 14/10/2005 gravitation has quite possibly the best fricken storyline i've ever experienced (the people in my background are the main characters). if you want to know what it is just ask me, don't search for it on the internet, you'll only get a bunch of dirty pictures. i've liked it for about 2, maybe 3 years and it's still my favorite series!!!
i miss you - 03:57pm 04/11/2005 i miss jessie keller :'( i guess you never know how much someone meens to you until they're gone (even for a little while).
the list - 07:16pm 06/11/2005 honorable mention: susie peake the list has been updated, people change, so my list smite's them with a vengence. 1. (first place grand prize). (in no particular order). kacey w., phil deyoung, beth, j.k. and jessie keller (...?), daniel torez, steph schugars, heather torez, kara,
daniel's mom (what a scamp). 1.1. ru, tsai, kristi bearman (i spelled that wrong i think), jacey, ben cook, april saville, brittany leatherman, ***susie peake***. 1.-2. nate brandow, gerard way, kyle taylor, garett (spelling?), tony steimack, sarah g, little torez, roger, shauna, kristen. 19. bowling for soup's bass player, laura, other. *x-files. brittany c., jason h.(maybe moving up soon???), alissa (ugh, spelling). (*x-files are people that may potentially make it to the list, or they were and they're making their way off the list (but aren't there yet) because maybe there's something about them that's uneasy, maybe there was a past dispute, or maybe they were nice and now they're being meany faces so they're making their way off the list. think of the x-files as customs.)
it's kinda funny, but... - 09:06pm 09/11/2005 the play starts tomorrow!!!
wow, it's crazy, this has been horrible, yet one of the best experiences of my life. i guess i've kind of made new friend's, but i'm not sure really. everyone (about 30%) in the cast is rediculously funny, one of my favorites is robert. it kinda sucks that the friday's showing has been moved, now i have to march for the stupid fuutball game. i don't know, i guess i just feel like i've been in a non-start performance since the year began, not really being myself anymore, just a stranger trying to act out who i should be. daniel's party was fun, just thought i'd add that. that's been the first non-birthday party party that i've ever been to (i believe i've been to 1 birthday party). in further news, the grapefruit trees in my room have started sprouting, still looking for the apples to start though, and the venus fly trap is doing quite poorly, because it's supposed to die in the winter months... i think i killed it.
back to the play; so, i think the best actor we have is justin, his accent is superior. there's so many good actors and actresses that i'm kinda getting down when i step onto the stage and give a mediocre performance. here is when i would normally say "well, i guess we can't have everything", but lately i've been really thinking, and i can't find neither anything that i'm strong at or passionate about. i've been getting dizzy quite a lot lately too, i think it's because of my condition. hopefully that'll all change after christmas break. grrrr, that reminds me... i really don't think i'll be able to try out for the musical. it about ripped my heart out when i found out. the main reason i even tried out for the play was so i'd have at least a slightly better chance of making it into the musical, so my efforts are kind of wasted. i would of given anything to be able to be on stage for a musical one last time. i'll have to wait until it's all over, then i'll wake up.
[untitled] - 04:08pm 10/11/2005 i feel like poo today. first, my cnf isn't talking to me. then there was the play, i sucked like usual. then depression kicked in, and i went to chess club. after that, my best friend asked me to wait for them to go somewhere, and they left without me, so i just walked home. when i got here, there wasn't much to eat, so i just ate a bowl of cereal, then my dad came home and started his yelling fit, "what the hell, i told you you're not to be eating cereal." it doesn't sound like a bad day, but for some reason it feels like it.
[untitled] - 03:22pm 13/11/2005 the play is done, it doesn't seem like it should be... i don't want it to be. i've made some truly great friends, and kind of became a little more outspoken. (or loud).
yes!!! - 10:58pm 13/11/2005
watching south park right now, but really waiting to see drawn together. one of my favorite shows, oh hunky xander! haha!!! cartman has gingervitis. -i want more friends, reply to this so i can add all of you!!! especially people from the play, i really want to stay in touch!!!!!
*yawns* - 05:22am 14/11/2005 i can't believe i was dumb enough to stay up so long. ugh. i knew i had to get up early for jazz band. it was all worth it though, to see xander and drawn together =p. i have to remember my speech for... well... speech, so i can give it tomorrow. boo. i hate speech... not because the class is so boring, but because my class is full of grade a retarted people. oh my gosh! grrr. my mom's just like "nuo, i won't let you get an application at joann's because you suck and they wouldn't want someone like you." so i'm going to try for the hobby lobby. she said we *might* be able to go *eventually*. -i love my new wallpaper!!! (it's a boy =p)-
[untitled] - 09:32am 14/11/2005 just thought i'd say hello just because it's second hour and all and i'm at home instead of school... i'm still tickled (like in the stomache region) that i have a free hour =p . listening to launch, eating toasted honey crunch (raisin bran crunch without raisins, and honey instead of high fructose corn syrup) and drinkin my hot zen green tea. this is the life. my flowers from the play are on my table, the one from miss harvey and from kacey. everytime i look at them it's upsetting. it seems like the play was so long ago, when it's been just a few days. and it makes me think about the musical...
i want to be a [noun] when i grow up. - 11:35am 27/11/2005 i don't know if i want to be a professional surgeon that playes music, or a professional musician tha playes surgeon. all this week i've pretty much been thinking of what i want to be when i grow up. so far i've come up with: a. musician b. surgeon c. ben cook and that's pretty much all i can come up with... if anyone has ideas on what they think i would be good at, let me know!
christmas is comming!!! - 07:32pm 29/11/2005 first of all, boo to fake santas. they're just posers. probably all pedifiles. with funny mustaches. and they're never really jolly. just really creepy. like "it". anyway, here's a list of things that i want for christmas. i've thought really hard!!! 1.spending time hanging out with friends 1.stuffed animals ...and that concludes the list! tune in next week, maybe i'll have a #2 for the list... but that's kinda pushing it a smidge. i think if i got even half of everything on my list i'd be satisfied. woooo nutcracker, the musical auditions aren't until "a couple of weeks" after the end of christmas break!!! this meens i have a really good chance of being able to audition!!!!!~!!~!~~~ i also just beat kingdom hearts: chain of memories on gameboy sp. now i have the option
to play the whole thing over as riku instead of sora, but i get bored too fast and i allready started final fantasy ix. maybe i'll do it when i beat ffix. or i might just try to beat star ocean. who knows.
[untitled] - 06:12pm 30/11/2005 ugh, i wish i looked cool so i could take a picture of myself and have a fricken awesome icon. it's not fair that jill, april, and ben can do it but i can't. hideous isn't fun. i wonder what it would feel like to staple my kidney to the wall. just a thought... i really wonder what it would feel like if you got a paper-cut on your brain. down with the establishment. of religion. 's feindish worship. ing henchmen. bu hao, tai, bu hao.
oh so soft... - 05:56am 02/12/2005 i believe i've created the perfect bed-sleeping-thing. it's so soft and comfy and warm. whenever i wake up i still feel like i'm in a dream. i think it's because the large number of fleece and flannel blankets, along with the mass quantities of stuffed animals... ...or it could be that i make my bed so comfy. i need a second opinion... i think i'll get someone to sleep in my bed without me, then with me, and then we'll compare the soft-perfectnessisis. sounds like a plan to me. (*looks at panda*)
i'm so happy i could die - 05:57am 05/12/2005 chinese kid e-mailed me! twice!!! i thought he forgot about me because he didn't email or call me for about 3 months. oh, the excitement. i think my chair's a little damp...
[untitled] - 07:08pm 07/12/2005 not much to report. been quite happy, well, compared to the last 17 years at least. pretty much been hanging around daniel and a bit of kristy (or is it, i?). i think it's because they see eye to eye with me, no matter what i'm looking at, or from which way. i don't know, it just makes me happy. i feel like i'm in a dreamworld. probably from all the meds i'm on though. or maybe because i have more *good* friends now than any year. if i tried to make a list now i'd be late to the choir concert. oh yeah, go choir!
[untitled] - 05:56am 09/12/2005 i'm not going to the christmas dance. i'll just be home... sitting in my basement... with the cat...
dreams say the darndest things - dreams say the darndest things so, i was having this dream and this figureless figure... or was it a indescribeable shadowy figure?... was following me around, and it was raining and the sky was clear, and everything was gloomy. i was upset because someone that i apparently liked in the dream was being a pooface and made me cry. (which is funny, because i haven't cried since early freshman year). anyway, i'll call this guy gillbert for the dialog (because dilbert was taken and billbert sounds funny). i was cuttin some skin and this shadow thing comes up and said. gillbert: "why are you crying" *wheeze* me: "they never notice me, no matter how hard i try, like i'm just a piece of glass." gillbert: *~~wheeze~~* "(somethin somethin, i don't remember quite what) worthless piece of flesh i ever put eyes on, like a soul with no ties. a walking body with no hope, just fear and longing. (somethin)" me: "i've tried that once. it's like no matter how much i dream and try, no amount of tears can stop time from passing me by; make the best moments last forever. i don't know,
it makes me feel so week and worthless, like nothing really matters in the world." *wheeze~cough~cough* gillbert: "you'll always have [name deleted for privacy], they like you like you like them." me: "i never knew..." gillbert: (somethin somethin) "you can't just wait for things to go your wait, let yourself be stepped on; you matter just as much as any of them." me: "i could never let them now... i could never let anyone know. i'm trapped now, now that everyone thinks i'm not interrested.; ironic, all i really the thing i'm most afraid of" gillbert: "it will all work out in the end; just remember this." *changes shape to someone i know who will not be named for legal (imaginarily legal) reasons* super saiyan gillbert: "all you had to do was ask. because i must say that no matter what i do love you." then everybody died. no, really, some reason they started falling to pieces, laying in bloody puddles of scattered body parts, dead. and this is one of those dreams that i sleep walked. well, i don't know if it was sleep walking, but i woke up about 3:16ish and i was sitting in the corner of my room, leaning my head on the corner of the nightstand and the wall.
christmas break my heart - 10:21pm 23/12/2005 i hate christmas break so much. not only do i hate it, but i'm grounded durring it too. it was never too bad because every other year i'd just stay home like a loser anyway, but this year i actually have friends, and i'm better friends with old friends than i was in years past, so people would actually want to hang out with me. whenever i'm alone for long periods of time, i tend to think (whereas when i'm with other people i stop thinking period. *clear! ^zap^*). but really, when i'm alone, i start to think about everything, and this weeks specialty was time. i've always thought this but never have been able to put into words what i
think, and i think i can now at least put it in a way some people will understand it. there are times that hurt, physically or mentally, that we want just to pass us by and be nothing more than a memory; they seem to last forever. then, the times we want to last forever,-- being with someone you love more than anything else-- pass the fastest; like sand through my fingers. i guess life is funny that way. "gods" sick joke on humanity. if you ask anyone, maybe someone who lost someone close to them, or even better, a mother whos child has been terribly injured. they'll tell you, "...it seemed like hours, but it must of been only a moment...". i guess what i'm trying to say is it's sick how things we want to end never do, and the "i wish this moment could last forever"'s just pass me by. that got me into thinking about something else, similar. if life seems to pass by faster as we get older, does that meen we appreciate (or enjoy) life greater with age? good things leave fast. it almost makes me want to drown myself in the bad just because thats the only thing i can rely on to always be there. i don't know what i'm saying... it's not healthy for me to think. leave me a little somethin, i want to know what other people think.
there he goes quoting himself again...- 11:34pm 25/12/2005 so, i was at this "levandowski family christmas party" thing and i was being hit on (yes, kind of creepy) and she said "so why don't you date?". i was listening to the fob cd (aren't they great =p ) and i said "love's a landmine, and i'm on stilts". no clue what this means, but it sounded cool so i decided to share it.
monopolization declaration (gvn s&) (one of them is for beth)- 12:14pm 26/12/2005 i've got an addiction to fob's xo. -anywayscamped my dads camera and snapped a few shots of things i like. only took a few because it's like heroin to the soul.
i didn't want to have it when he got home and have my soul eaten with a side of shrimp. okie dokie, i'm new to this whole picture postin thing you kids do so much these days, so
the pictures will probably just end up way too big and on my journal mainpage. though, it'll be fun and you can all laugh at me in your replies. first, a really cheesy picture of me. see my prized pinecone.
i know, my smile makes me look like i did
something bad and i got away with it (well, i did gank my dads camera), and you can also it's in the very center of the tree, i made it when i was in i took this elementary school and it's really sparkly and glittery and oh so nifty. want to do it. up the glasses) [picture of me] ok, now here's a picture of the tree. i put the tree together (it's a fake tree because the blue box ~*awe*~
picture because my friend ru from china wanted a picture of me. (come on, you know you yeah, he hasn't seen me since before i had my hair cut and stood
real trees hide sap sucking midget barbarian assassins (not really, i'm just allergic)). it was put together on christmas eve, and took about 4 - 4 1/2 hours. mom. [picture of random christmas tree] (sometimes i wish i could be a photographer, but i'm just a little noob) allrighty, now for a little bit of this action [little picture of me] no clue what that meens, but it made my eyes look all freaky (if you zoom in really close they're all blue and grey and purple in the pupil) now some cat action, this ones for beth! background. the cat did it, i swear). ya the little winkie eye thur). [picture of cassie] and now, the queen of the house. chair (yes, it is hers). her little kitty mouth. like a person. [picture of my bailey. may she rest in peace] we see her in her natural habitat, perched atop her (ewe, look at the messy house in the (she's givin thingy just looked cool, it was a present from a previous year from my aunt paula to my
her name's cassie, and she's beths.
she's the stupid one.
look at the hidden wisdom in her eyes just waiting to burst out too bad she thinks we're stupid, or else she'd just talk to us
pessimistic aftermoon - 07:18pm 26/12/2005 i don't know which is worse, not having dreams, or knowing you'll never reach them.
i guess today i just feel in a hole with no way out, and when i look up theres someone there, with a rope and a warm smile. just as i climb and am about to get out and see who it is that came to my rescue, they just let go; i'm lost forever. someday i'm going to write songs and people will be like, "holy gol dang, that kid's got some interrestin lyrics" i think i have the name for my first song, sanity's got a gun. the only problem is the words might be kinda extreme and harsh against things that i don't like. like hyprocritical idiots, or people that stereotype, the cedit card company, health insurance, and the people that make all the stupid stuff you see advertised on tv; maybe throw in a little word of love so when you hit puree it all blends nicely. it'll be my fall out plan.
[untitled] - 09:18pm 27/12/2005 what? daniel comes home tomorrow?
[untitled] - 12:57am 28/12/2005 i am pleased to announce that i now have my own love boat. kara told me so. you're all invited. this thing was built like the titanic. (cold and low, ooo, just burned myself)
needing a break from the break - 02:05pm 28/12/2005 when will this break end?!?!?! it's been 7 whole freakin weeks of break, and only 11 days have gone by.
i've found a new way to make money. i will sell shares of myself on e-bay. so far, kristi gets the eyes, and just because i know he'll ask for it, kyle gets the right hand. and kacey gets the butt i don't have. (so she says...)
[untitled] - 02:36pm 28/12/2005 here's a list of the movies showing around now. the times might change before saturday (if they do, probably won't change very much) [long list of movies and show times] i saw memoirs of a geisha (loved it!), hp3, and i'm planning on going to see wolf creek today. don't really mind seeing any of them again (just that harry potter is soooo long). just remember that wolf creek is rated r, some people wouldn't be able to go unless theres an adult. maybe we could see the chronicles of narnia? i don't know, it's up to all you. i say we alls gets together and goes to see a movie this saturday. that's the whole mob lets see... there's kacey jes kyle adam dustin kristi jill sunshyne daniel kara possibly me? (insert name here if i'm forgetting you) oh, and april. just wouldnt' be the same without april. i know i'm forgetting someone... ...and steph schugars!!!
important!!!- 12:25am 31/12/2005 chronicles of narnia; 12:00p showing. be there or be squared into submission. call anybody for my phone number, everyone pretty much has it... (just don't want to post it on lj). aol screenname - yuki yuugi yahoo! messenger - xvnight e-mail - email@example.com just drop me one. it'll be fine. if you don't want to, just call like jes b, kacey, kyle, daniel... pretty much everyone knows it but you.
movies! - 03:33pm 31/12/2005 wow, 3 movies in 3 days. memoirs of a geisha - great, 9 out of 10 wolf creek - not as scary as i thought it would be, 7 out of 10 chronicles of narnia - the griphon and lady are the only ones that died, and the girl didn't shank anybody 7 out of 10 lookin forward to seeing if i can audition. all depends on how jan 9 goes (first krio surgery appointment). feelin pretty good today. got to see kara! (that's always a happy day) and april/daniel (they're really the same person... like kami in dbz) and sunshyne! can't wait til kara posts pics of when we went to the movies. jill! no! where have you gone? come back! come back to me jill... no...
at home for the holidays. -06:29pm 31/12/2005 can't go anywhere. at home. alone. guess it's because i'm such a big troublemaker. what can i say. sometimes i can't help it. i need a hug. or a kara. or daniel. or kristi!. or a hug from one of the above. or another midnight phone with kacey. haven't seen her in a long time. she's a good kid. nobody puts baby in the corner. xo. need to work on lipsync. and on jill. haven't talked to her for awhile. baidu.
welcoming in the new year with screams - 01:11am 01/01/2006 i don't know why now, maybe it's just because of the silence of 1:00 am, but i'm completely panicking about going to college, not seeing some friends for years, some never again... i'm scared out of my mind. even shaking. kacey talked to me for a bit, and it helped. just like i told her... there are some people that mean more to me than i ever let them know, and not being able to just pick up a phone and see their smiling face in a few minutes is like childhood terror comming back all over again. of all the things i'm afraid of, being alone is number one...
teach me to sleep - 11:50pm 01/01/2006
my god, someone give me a tranq. i've always had problems getting to sleep and i'm tired of it. (hehe, get it?). freaking excited, made contact with phil. what a hunk. i wish i could buy people on e-bay, would make things so much easier. buy a little bit of (name withheld), and maybe rent a bit of (other name withheld) for a night. then i'd buy kacey a josh groban for a bedsheet ornament. and not one of those genetically engineered copies, i'd buy the original for my kacey. psh, it's only 27 cents; he was made in china. maybe i'd have a star named after kara. or all of them. from now, they're not stars, they're kara's karas. i'd buy japan for kyle, make steph the emperoressness and kyle the right hand. a meat packaging plant for brittany carney. i would buy jill her own fairy friends, not that she has to buy them for them to be her friends, but i'd pay for them to be released from captivity back into the wild, then pay to have them captured for jill. hmm... for april, i would buy the month of november. jessica would own manhattan, and all the pattents/copywrite thingies to all louie armstrong's schtuff (sry if i spelled his name wrong). daniel would own the entire mcdonalds franchise, so they all have to work for him, mwa ha ha ha ha... poor souls... i wonder, how much would it take to buy e-bay on e-bay? anyway, this whole thing is just to say that i'm sick of not being able to fall asleep.
weeeee! - 11:15pm 04/01/2006 that was fun. just when i thought my day couldn't get any worse, it didn't; it got better. (imagine that). phil arrived in his magical goldishly silver chariot, and we flew away to the cinema carousel... well, more like i just hopped in the car and we drove there. turned my bad day around though. we saw the producers, and if you can't see the obvious gayness pouring out from the screen, you might be bright enough to pick up on the gay undertones. it was a good movie, hilarious, but so gay. (not saying that's a bad thing, but just sooo much gay when you don't expect the movie to be about that). besides,
what could be funnier than a singing dancing flaming hitler neo nazi running around on stage? i'll tell you... watching a singing dancing flaming hitler neo nazi running around on stage while sitting right next to phil. that was a great time. really, i was having a rottencore day and that just turned it around, just in time (it's pretty late and almost tomorrow). all smiles. like how i feel inside when i see sunshyne/kara/kacey/anyone that smiles at me / gives me hugs / gives me lovin (shiiii!). i'm out, my eyes keep screaming obscenities at me. =)))
cry-o-genically freeze my brain, my brain, ha ha ha ha ha... - 08:14pm 09/01/2006 went through cryo - day 1 conclusion: it sucks.
"it" happens - 06:04pm 12/01/2006 "you can't help who you fall in love with."
(...and with that being said, you will all now love me.)
sang for play auditions. i didn't do as horrible as i thought i would, but i didn't do the best i could. depressing =/ . i at least hope april, kara, sunshyne, kristen, and ben (and all the other people i've forgotten because i just took my pill)--the people that i personally think should be in it--get in.
fortune time - 07:59pm 15/01/2006 so, i ate this fortune cookie, then i took the little paper out and it had what i think is the best few words on it that i've seen, for me at least (because they don't really have fortunes anymore, like "you are a good person, but it was her fault"). so, it said: "you have an unusual magnetic personality.
just be aware of your polarity." it just made me happy because in my favorite anime series, seguchi tohma tells k that shuichi has "an unusual magnetic personality," and shuichi's my favorite character of all time. there's so many things i want to do, but i feel like there's some invisible cage keeping me from contacting the outside world. i went to the movies to watch tristan and isolde, which is a great movie by the way, and the princess said something that i said a few days earlier; nearly word for word. i was going to quote it as mine since i said it before the movie did, but i thought about it, and they probably had it in the script much earlier than the time i said it. *shakes fist* jon's version: "asking me to stop loving them is like asking me to stop breathing." the movie: tristan: "this must end." isolde: "it will be like asking me to stop breathing." i think mine is better, except that isolde is much prettier than me; also, she gave tristan the clap and i didn't.
on a gooder note, i cleaned my room! my brother went off to college in another state and right before he left he trashed my room. i woke up at eight o'clock yesturday and started cleaning it until 12:30 the next morning (8am-12:30am). it still wasn't clean, so i woke up this morning, went to church, and cleaned from about 10am-3:30pm. it's almost all the way done. i got a clothes basket! i'm so excited!!! stole a light to put in my closet so it's not so dark in there all the time! it doesn't work... bought an extension cord for the light in my closet!!! actually plugged the light in! still doesn't work... made it into the play. i was kinda hesitant at first, but now that i look back on it, i'm
glad i tried out. it's my senior year, and with the kind of friends i have, i'm really glad that i get to spend the extra time stuck by them. even if i face public humiliation for my inferior dancing and singing ability, they're worth it. seriously, honestly, really, no kidding, urgently, truthfully--i want to learn to play the guitar. i'm bad at teaching myself things, but i can pick up like that *makes that sound* if someone else teaches me. lookin forward to taking sewing. and aiding mrs.prins 1st hour. (oh kristi!) i need community service. and i should start looking for scholarships (>.<) that's about it, i'm going to go back to sitting indian style on the floor in my room--or sometimes i lie on my bed making dirty poses--stairing up at the stereo and listening to music, waiting for friend to call.
fun fun - 07:49pm 16/01/2006 went to the mall with kara, jacey, leah, the mom, the kid sister, and the baby sister. it was fun, a lot of little inside jokes. kinda sad now that i didn't get to see kristi/daniel/april/jill all weekend, but i guess that's my own fault. went to the movies with steph/kacey/kyle. the movie was good, but there was a whole lot of doin (tristan and isolde). really bummed out last night, sat up for hours looking at my stereo, thinking about many things. why things are the way they are. why i'm too weak to change them. feel like i'm sitting back, watching my life pass by through a monochromatic television.
ahhhhhhh!!!!! - 08:28pm 20/01/2006 extraordinarily happy about absolutely nothing!!! and that makes me excited!!! well, i just finished reading the best thing i've ever read. it really made me realize that whether life is bad or not... just live it!!! i've practically lived my life in my room, a prisoner behind the walls that i thought were to keep me safe, and watched my life kind of drift hazily by. i don't have any good
memories, or bad ones for that matter. no more. i want to make memories, so i can laugh later, cry later, have something to remember later. i just want to talk to someone, hang out with anyone, do something!
movin out!!!- movin out!!! i'm moving almost entirely to myspace, it's just more funner. i'll still reply to peoples stuff (just haven't been lately). my myspace is at ---> http://www.myspace.com/ifonlyonce <--just visit and add me and lets be friends.
i'm back, so nah - 02:58pm 26/02/2006 hi everybody! i guess i'll be writing on livejournal again mostly because my parents blocked myspace. oh well coming soon! a highly controvercial, overly exaggerated post about religion and other highly touchy moral issues. i love you all too. the end. jon. (woot! jon's back on livejournal!)
status report, mr. schaub - 11:03am 18/03/2006 well, i'm still alive. just barely... woke up this morning, sleeping in was so great, slept in til about 6. when i got up, everyone was gone. they all jumped in the car and drove down to ohio to drop brother schaub off at college. woohoo, home alone all day today. feel free to drop
by. but please, no smoking. my email is firstname.lastname@example.org send me some emails!!! they make me go =) ok, back to this morning. i got up, took a shower, experimented with my hair and it went horribly wrong, so i had to wash it again, and now it's really soft because i actually put conditioner in it (first time since i got it cut short). after that, i got on aim and yahoo! messenger, then made a pot of coffee, and now i'm almost done with this pot so i might make another pot... but we're almost out of the brown coffee stuff so i don't think i'll be able to. i put about 4 scoops of the brown coffee stuff in the filter and the coffee turned black, but it's good with enough sugar. started up the red beast this morning (that's my baby [my car]), and the engine just randomly stopped about 5 times. so i was dumb and kept restarting it, seeing if i could make it explode. no luck =/ it eventually stayed on, and i was comfy in that little car so i reclined the seat and layed there for about 40 mins while it ran. the rpm gauge was stuck like this (shows you with hands), and when i floored the gas, it unbroked itself, so now that's fixed too. i'm tellin ya, my car's a beast, it's selfrepairing. so far, both the front and back turnsignals fixed themself, and now they actually blink instead of just the front one staying on and the back one not doing anything. lets see... still no air conditioning... i'm thinking if someone kicks the flat tire then it'll fix the conditioning problem. still, no air comes out the dashboard, just out the vents right under the base of the windshield. and i'm out of washer fluid, i can funnel it out of my brothers car though, that problems solved. the only thing i really have to fix before i can take the test is get new tires (found some really nice [a.k.a. cheap] ones) at discount tire co., so i'll have to dip into my secret savings account that nobody knows about to buy new tires (total: $200), then get a small piece of metal to put the bumper back on (total: free if i steal it from brother schaub's car). and i want a radio, and there's a really nice one (it's cheap, but it really is nice) that playes any cd's and mp3 cd's at best buy for $67 that i want to get. and i need wipers, i tried to take brother schaub's, but they're a different kind, so i guess i'm going to have to actually buy those... i'm so excited! i can't wait until i can drive everybody around everywhere!!! and i want to get a job, and i hope i can get a job with someone i know so i can drive them there too! i'm so excited, i can't wait!!!
i gotta go pee! too much coffee! and excitement! oh no! my kidneys! just kidding... see you all later
[untitled] - 09:42pm 21/03/2006 just end me now
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