Here it is the 8th of April 2005, boy before we know where we are it will be ANZAC Day, two days

later a date that I’m not allowed to forget, our 42nd Wedding Anniversary. Just ask yourself, how could two people possibly put up with one another for so long. That’s easy. Be tolerant in all things, be open, and avoid arguments like the plague. We never argue really, and if we do, I always have the last say…………………. “Yes dear!” It wasn’t my intention to use this piece of prose this week, but in light of what happened in Burnie over the last weekend, how could I not include it. One has to wonder what the world is coming to. Three people in Hospital with stab wounds, two critical but stable, and you can bet you bottom dollar drugs are involved. Here then is something from Maureen.
“Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. He declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Panadol to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.


He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I'm A Whinger, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone. If you still remember him pass this on, if not join the majority and do nothing.”

Your PPS attachment is a beauty. Not quite sure who sent it to me, but I think it came from a fellow service club member in Launceston. Anyway I will share it with you. Welcome to the world of David Copperfield. Now read on McDuff.

2nd edition
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? Why is it that to stop Windows 98 to 2003, you have to click on "Start"? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Why is it the person who invests all your money is called a broker? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food? When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes????? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?! Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Getting Old! Not me, no way!
Life is like Salsa. The more spices you add the better the flavour. >===================================== Oh, I know this alphabet extremely well A for Arthritis,


B for Bad Back, C is for Chest pains. Perhaps Cardiac? D is for Dental Decay and Decline, E is for Eyesight--can't read that top line. F is for Fissures and Fluid retention G is for Gas (which I'd rather not mention) H High blood pressure [I'd rather have low) I for Incisions with scars you can show. J is for Joints that now fail to flex L for Libido--what happened to sex? Wait! I forgot about K! K is for Knees that crack when they're bent This brings us to M... (Please forgive me my Memory ain't worth a cent) N for Neurosis, pinched Nerves and stiff Neck O is for Osteo-and all bones that crack P for Prescriptions, I have quite a few. Give me another Pill; I'll be As good as new! Q is for Queasiness. Fatal or flu? R is for Reflux--one meal turns into two S is for Sleepless nights, counting my fears T for Tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears U is for Urinary: difficulties with flow V is for Vertigo, that's "dizzy", you know. W is Worry, now what's going 'round? X is for X-ray - and what might be found. Y for another Year I've left behind Z is for Zest that I still have my mind, I have survived all the symptoms my body's deployed, and kept twenty-six doctors gainfully employed!!! I wish you a day of Peace, happiness and joy and above all else, GOOD HEALTH!!!!

Those Intellectually Deficient Blondes
How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?


100. One to make the batter and 99 to crack the shells on the M&Ms.

Fish On The Wall
What did the fish say when he hit a wall?


Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.


Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine? Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living? Woman: I'm a female inpersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign? Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? Woman: Unferrtilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple. Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Dorothy and Edna two "senior" widows, are talking at the local coffee shop. Dorothy: "That nice Joe asked me out for a date . . . I know that you went out with him


last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer." Edna: "Well . . . I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car . . a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner. . a marvellous dinner - lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show . . . let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and had his way with me.... twice!" Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! . . so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?" Edna: "No, no, no. I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
The teacher gave her fifth grade class a met: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day they came back and one by one began to tell their stories. "Robbie, do you have a story to share?" "Yes ma'am. My dad told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands." "Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story." "Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinkin'." The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumour had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumour was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."


Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon. About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the new wife?" asked the banker. Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant." The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?" Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too." Don't ever underestimate an old geezer’s virility! During World War II the train from Liverpool to London was absolutely full and many soldiers had been standing in the corridors for hours. All this time a wealthy dowager had been occupying two seats in a first class compartment, one for herself and one for her tiny dog. A weary English Officer asked her politely whether she would mind putting her dog on the floor. She replied, “I have paid for Fifi's seat and she is going to stay there for as long as she wants.” Eventually the Officer could stand it no longer. He picked up Fifi and threw her out of the window. For a moment there was stunned silence. Then an American Officer sitting opposite leant towards the English Officer. “You know”, He said, “You English are a strange lot. You eat with your fork in the wrong hand, you drive on the wrong side of the road and now you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.” A middle-aged woman went to a local K-Mart service counter and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on "special". Suddenly, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming "PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!". The befuddled clerk ran away to get the Store Manager in front a growing crowd of customers. The manager approaches the woman and asks, "Can I help Madam?" She explained the problem with the toaster, and HE tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on “special”. Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming "PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!"


And doing so draws and even bigger crowd! In shock, the Store Manager pleads, "Madam please, why are you saying that? In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I AM BEING SCREWED!! The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded! Serious stuff. A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, ''Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat.'' The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. ''Sir,'' the usher said, ''if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager.'' Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly. ''All right mate, what's your name?'' ''Sam,'' the man moaned. ''Where yah from, Sam?'' the cop asked. …..''The balcony above us.''
Late advertisement received from a Melbourne correspondent. For sale: 2001 Range Rover - heavily modified, but street legal - low mileage - great visibility - virtually indestructible - deceased estate, so quick sale desired. - $45,000 o.n.o See attached photo.>

Time to think about next week’s edition. As usual there will be something for every body. Till then be good, if you can’t be good, be good at it, and don’t tell your missus about her. Bye.


Sign up to vote on this title
UsefulNot useful