How about a few facts to end the week off. Well now try swallowing some facts.

As we all should know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade.
Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally
consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to
body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only
available source, your body fat.

For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg. F) will in a short
time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram
of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average
dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216
calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's
temperature is normalized.

Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000
calories. Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat, the better off you are and the faster you
will lose weight, if that is your goal. This process works equally well when drinking very cold
beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036
calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus the net
calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate
that 12,240 calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of
drinking a can of beer.

Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt
them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body
temperature. The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down.

Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent
calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as
the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer
with pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.

We could all be thin if we were to adhere religiously to a pizza, beer, and ice cream diet.
Happy eating!

Actually this story reminds me of a tale about a monkey and a barrel of water, friction and
heat, and how long it would take a barrel of water to boil. But that is another story altogether.

A guy runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a policeman. Cop says, "License and
registration, please." Guy says, "What for?" Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete
stop at the stop sign." Guy says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Cop says, "You
still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please." Guy says, "What's
the difference?" Cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop.
License and registration, PLEASE!" Guy says, "If you can show me the difference
between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration." Cop says, "Exit
your vehicle, sir." At this point, the cop takes out his nightstick and starts beating the
ever-loving shit out of the guy and says: "DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST
SLOW DOWN?"

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has
foolishly squandered the money his parents gave him. "Hmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna
get more dough? Then he gets an idea. He calls his Redneck father. "Dad," he says, "you

1
won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have
a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?" "Just send
him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."

So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money
runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've
had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the
animals how to READ!" "READ?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him
in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money. At the end of the
semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can
neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk
and listen to him read something!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This
morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner,
reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your
daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that liar!" "I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!"

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on
the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue
wasn't wearing any underwear beneath her dress! Shocked by this, John, upon trying to
sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, he went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked,
"Did you see anything that you liked under there?"

Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She
said, "Well, you can have it, but it will cost you $500."

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, he
confirmed that he's interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday
afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 PM Friday
afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, he showed up at Bill's house at 2 PM sharp and after paying
Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as
agreed. He quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife
abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump in her throat Sue
answered "Why, yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you
$500?"

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In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best
poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500!"

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he
did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me
he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

A New Zealander, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found
themselves stranded on an inhabited island. After being there for awhile, they got into the
habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening
the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night
for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Kiwi. Soon, he leaned
over to the sheep and put his arm around it. The dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the
Kiwi took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the
sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was
a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful the Kiwi had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad
way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to the evening ritual. It was
another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a
night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he
could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in
her ear... "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's mini van and
headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So
they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if
they could spend the night.

"I realise it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but
I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you
stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather
breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way
to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and
they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took
him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the
attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking
widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?"

3
"Yes, I do." said Bob. "Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to
the house and pay her a visit?" "Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about
being found out. "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name
instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did."
"Why do you ask?" "She just died and left me everything!"

The truth will out eventually.

At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Master Carlos? This is Arnaldo your country house
caretaker" "Ah yes, Mr. Arnaldo. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?" "Um, I am
just calling to advise you sir that your parrot died"

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the competition?" "That's the one." "Darn! That's
such a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. Oh well... what did he die from?"

"From eating rotten meat." "Rotten meat? Who was so mean as to give him meat?"
"Nobody. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses." "Dead horse? What dead horse
Mr. Arnaldo?""Why, those pure breed ones that you had, sir. They died from all that
work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?" "The one we used to put out the fire." "Good Lord!
What fire are you talking about, man?" "The one at your house! A candle fell and then
the curtain caught on fire."

"What the...!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for???" "For
the funeral." "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL???!!!!!" "Your mother's! She showed up one
night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her."

Have you ever wondered where and how yodelling began?

Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was
rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep so he went up to a farmhouse and asked
the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. As
the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"

"That fellow travelling through," said the farmer. "He needed a place to stay for the night, so, I
told him he could sleep in the barn." The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she
prepared him a plate of food for him and then took out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing dishevelled and straw in her
hair. Up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant and suggested that perhaps
the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did
not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also
headed straight to bed.

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The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving
to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How
could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last
night" "What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who
by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you!
You had sex with my daughter!" The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped
his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....

"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"

The problem is………………………..

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older it becomes harder for
them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When
you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive and there's nothing
worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron...... Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie.

When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-
time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly
after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from the Golf Course about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an
hour or so before she starts dinner.

I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets
dinner on the table.

I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm
ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door...

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now, it's not unusual for
them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically
reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she
appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to
bed.

I really think my experience as a teacher helps a lot. I consider telling people what they
ought to do one of my strong points...

And speaking of bed, her age really shows up there. I go out and golf all day, come in
dead tired and after a two hour nap and a good meal, I'm ready, if you know what I
mean. Age has gotten her so bad that she actually dozes off during lovemaking. But

5
that's okay. Her satisfaction in that area is important to a sensitive guy like me and if
she enjoys sleeping during our little trysts, what the hey...

Now that she has gotten older, she does seem to get tired so much more quickly. Our
washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make another
trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this; as long as she finishes up the
laundry the next evening, I'm willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need
something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting, or to Wednesday's or
Saturday's poker club, or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling, or something like that, I
will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more
time to do some of those odds and ends like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting...

Also, if I had a really good day on the course and it was wet and muddy, my clubs are a
mess, so I let her clean them, you know.....get the grit off the grips and a little light
Brillo on the club faces at a casual pace. My golf bag is heavy so I lift it out of the
trunk for her. Women are delicate, have weak wrists and can't lift heavy stuff as well
as men. But I did tell her I don't like to be wakened during my after-golf nap, so rather
than bother me, she can put them back in the boot when she's finished.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is
difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But boys,
we take ‘em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to
stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I
also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you
know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to
take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a
scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly
squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for
herself, she may as well make one for me too, and then take her break by my hammock.
That way she can talk with me until I fall asleep.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying that
showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find
it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get
older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your
aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.
After all, we are put on this earth to help each other...

Signed,
Ron.

When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship.

The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at
Princess and I can get a long-term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day.

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That leaves $65 a day for:

1. Gratuities, which will only be $10 per day.

2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room
service (which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week).

3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers,
and shows every night.

4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.

5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have
the entire staff scrambling to help you.

6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.

7. TV broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem!
They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.

8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.

9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare. If you fall and break a
hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to suite for the rest of your life.

Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti,
Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? Princess will have a ship
ready to go.

So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.

P.S. And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side, no charge AS
SHARK FODDER!

This blonde really wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and
finally, after getting all the necessary tools together, she made for
the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy footstool, she
started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly---from the sky---a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH

UNDER THE ICE!" Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice,
poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.
Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH
UNDER THE ICE!"

The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up
her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, even louder:

7
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"

The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE SKATING RINK MANAGER!"