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For some ungodly reason, I think this going to be one of those editions that will provoke laughs by the paragraph. Well maybe each tall tale. This is GOLD !!!!!!!!! A bloke is in a queue at the Super Market when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled Hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar, he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry do you know me?" She replies "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!" His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, "Christ!" he says "are you that strip-o-gram on my stag night that I sha**ed on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your Mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ar*e?" "No" she replies. " I'm your son's English Teacher!"
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting in the car. Were they trying to steal it? "Heavens no, we bought it." "Then why don't you drive it away." "We can't drive." "Then why did you buy it?" "We were told that if we bought a used car here we'd get screwed, so we're just waiting." Enjoy some quickies
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing. ________________________________________________________________ Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband ________________________________________________________________ A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy." ________________________________________________________________ Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrheae in the convent." "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of Chardonnay." ________________________________________________________________ Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got MARRIED, did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name? --------------------------------------------------------------A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where DID all of my intelligence come from? The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine" -------------------------------------------------------------"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week," "That's very fair your honour" the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself". ---------------------------------------------------------------A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all" "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids. --------------------------------------------------------------An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you. The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife." --------------------------------------------------------------Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1. All the DNA is the same. 2. There are no dental records. A guy walks into the local Centrelink office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year." The guy, wide-eyed, joyously says, "You're bull shittin' me!" The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."
Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you." "Well", said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2." "Ahhhhh, that's nothing", said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid, and it is all on the house." The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims. But he swears every word is true. "Well," said the Englishman "did this actually happen to you?" "Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman... "But it did happen to me sister." A man on a business trip is looking for a little action. So he picked up a Chinese hooker and took her back to his hotel. While having sex she was screaming OMWA OMWA!! He did not speak Chinese so he kept on going he wanted to get his $3.00 worth. The next day he chilled out and went for a game of golf with this Chinese worker. He took a big swing and hit the golf ball as hard as he could. The Chinese man said in a sad voice "OMWA" the guy looked at him strangely and asked: "what does that mean?" The Chinese man then said: "you have got it in the wrong hole"
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog which he loved and doted on. After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died so Muldoon went to the parish priest: "Father, my dear old dog is dead, could you be saying a mass for the creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I am so very sorry to hear about your dog's death. But, unfortunately we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal." Muldoon said, "I'll go right now. Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?" Father Patrick: "$500? Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?!" The “Laird of Mariah” is back. There was a farmer out in the country, a meek little guy who had a speech problem and couldn't talk right. He got his first telephone, the kind that hangs on the kitchen wall and has to be cranked to get the operator. Soon after it was installed, he tried his first call. (crank, crank, ring, ring) "Operator". "Gimme fvree, fvree, one, fi, pease." "Excuse me?" "I wanna talk ta fvree, fvree, one, fi." "I don't understand you, sir." "FVREE, FVREE, ONE, FI!" "Sir, if you want to make a call, you're going to have to talk plainer than that." "Oh, yust shtick it up yer ash!" (slammed the phone down) The next morning, there was a knock at the farmer's door. Two very large repairmen from the phone company were there, and they asked him if he was the one who had used a profanity with their operator. "Yesh, I yam", he said. The telephone man said "Sir, we don't stand for our ladies being treated that way. You have a choice. You can either, call her right now and apologise, or we're going to remove your telephone." Without saying a word, the little man walked to the telephone. (crank, crank, ring, ring) "Operator". "Are yew th' lady I told ta shtick 'dis telephone up her ash?" Immediately huffy, the operator replied "I CERTAINLY am!" "Well, get ready. Dere bringin' it in!"
The Priest A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"
"Of cause. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through ustoms for me? Under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvellous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." Next! Now for some Old Timers humour from “Suddenly Susan.”
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing
on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap." A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket . They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!" When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee." I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon. I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m." I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!"
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 50. Oh hell, send it to a
bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are. Then something is supposed to happen . . . . I think. How to make a fast dollar. From Dianne this gem. A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..." "Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!" "Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" "Did you steal it?" "Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" "So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes" "Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay." Women drivers Driving to the office this morning on the expressway, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 150 kilometres per hour with her face up close to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane still working on that makeup!! It scared me (I'm a man) so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn BIG JIM AND THE ROUND TWINS, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!!! """"""AND THAT'S WHY I HATE WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!"""" I AM THE MAN
The husband had just finished reading a new book, called "You can be The man of your house". He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife... Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, YOU need to know that I AM the MAN of this house, and my word is law!" You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert afterward....after dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the sex that I want....after that, you are going to run me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my dressing gown.....then, You will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's all done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?".... His wife replied, "The f**king funeral director would be my guess." A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks,"How will I recognize him?" "That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment." So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. "A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly. "Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?" So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over. "Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?" So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears. "Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?" The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nith mouf, can I see her twat?" Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should re-phrathe that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?" A GOOD CATHOLIC An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Casino went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father .. during World War! II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic." The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that." "It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors."
The priest said, "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven." "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one more question." "And what is that?" asked the priest. "Should I tell her the war is over?" An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table three objects: a Bible, a gold one dollar coin, and a bottle of whisky. "I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be." The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. He tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink. "Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "he's gonna be a Politician!" Enough of this nonsense, time to start on next weeks offering. Stay off the whiskey, don’t get involved in politics it will come back and bite you on the arse, and if you want to read a few good stories, then it’s the good book for you. Try the book of Ruth in the Old Testament.
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