Dennis & Dee Mourn Steve Jobs By Shyam Popat

It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia spec script

Copyright 2011 Shyam Popat

shyam.popat91@gmail.com 07912623323

EXT. STREET/INT. BAR 10.30am. On a Monday. Philadelphia, PA. CHARLIE and MAC walk towards the bar. CHARLIE I just don’t get why you would wanna watch movies about a bunch of foreign people. I mean, what do they have that you can’t get in America? MAC They’re Chinese or something, OK? And they do karate and jiu jitsu and kung fu and it’s awesome. CHARLIE OK, that’s awesome, I get that, but what about the bits in between? You gotta read all those subtitles and wait so long for the next kick-ass fight. That can last, like, ten minutes man. MAC Story is important, Charlie. It sets up dramatic tension so that when the sweet moves come back on we’re super pumped, because we’ve been so bored for so long. CHARLIE Oh, that kinda makes sense... Charlie and Mac enter the bar. It is dimly lit, with candles supplying the only light. Patrons are scattered around. DENNIS and DEE stand, in silence, turned away from the front door, looking down. Dennis wears a black turtleneck, Dee a black dress. Dee cries, her make-up running over her cheeks. Mac and Charlie walk to them. MAC Why the hell aren’t the lights on? CHARLIE Are those candles scented?

(CONTINUED)

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2.

DEE No, they’re not scented, Charlie. CHARLIE I like the smell. Is that what normal candles smell like? DENNIS We’re in mourning, Mac. CHARLIE Oh... MAC Who died? Dennis and Dee part to reveal a framed picture, surrounded by candles, a wreath lies at its feet. The picture is of Steve Jobs. A caption reads: RIP Steve Jobs 1955-2011 END OF TITLE SEQUENCE CREDITS ROLL: DENNIS AND DEE MOURN STEVE JOBS INT. PADDY’S PUB CHARLIE So you never actually knew this guy. Did you meet him? MAC No, they never met Steve Jobs. This is so stupid. DENNIS You’re stupid, Mac, if you’re not sad that we have lost a true American hero. MAC OK, Dennis. What makes this guy so goddamn great? DENNIS Uh, I dunno, maybe the fact that he invented computers?

(CONTINUED)

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3.

DEE And music on your iPod? DENNIS Yeah, but then that goddamn pussy nerd Bill Gates stole all of his computer ideas and all that money and then gave it all to charity. DEE Pussy nerd! Mac turns on the lights. Many in the bar cower in pain, and squint. Mac proceeds to blow out many of the candles and goes behind the bar. Charlie examines them. MAC You guys are so goddamn predictable. You idiots can waste your time with this bullshit, but I am opening the bar. CHARLIE Hey, the candles smell better when they’re not burning! These things are amazing! Charlie walks out of shot. DENNIS If you will have used your stupid fat eyes, you’d have noticed that the bar is already open. DEE Can’t you see all of these sad, pathetic people in here? MAC You were having a wake in the bar, Dee. It’s getting everyone down. DEE So they’ll drown their sorrows! It’s perfect! DENNIS (pleased with himself) Genius, right? I thought of that. DEE No, we both thought of it.

(CONTINUED)

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4.

DENNIS Sure. You wanted the candles, I wanted the wake, with the picture and the people. DEE The candles gave the bar the sense of melancholy that we needed for the plan to work. DENNIS (to Mac, with condescension) Melancholy. Listen to her. Charlie returns, a candle in his hand. There is a well defined bite-mark in it, as Charlie chews. CHARLIE These candles were your idea, Dee? MAC Oh, Charlie, don’t eat the candles. DEE That is disgusting. CHARLIE I was just nibbling. FRANK enters. He holds a plastic bag, containing a DVD. FRANK Guys, guys. I have a great idea. He stops at the picture. FRANK Who’s this homo? DENNIS He is not a homo, Frank. DEE You’re a homo. DENNIS This is the late Steve Jobs. Frank smashes through the set-up, stepping on the flowers, and sits at the bar. The picture falls, candles scatter.

(CONTINUED)

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5.

FRANK Who gives a shit? Come over here, take a look. Get me a beer, would ya, Mac? DEE Frank! You are ruining our wake. DENNIS My chrysanthemums! Frank takes the DVD out of the bag, as Mac ducks behind the bar for a drink. FRANK Have you seen this? It’s called Hostel. Mac returns with a beer. MAC Yeah, I heard about that. Isn’t that that movie with the college kids getting tortured and killed on vacation? DENNIS Yeah, the rich European guys paying millions to do whatever they want, right? FRANK That’s the one! I love it! It’s a freakin’ goldmine! MAC Goldmine? What do you mean, goldmine? FRANK We can make a bundle! We turn this place into a hostel, like in Hostel! Beat. DENNIS Are you saying you want to kill people in the bar? I mean, come on, Frank. That’s going too far. Is money more important than a life?

(CONTINUED)

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6.

FRANK We’re not gonna kill ’em! We’re just gonna go find ’em! What this other guy does to them isn’t our problem! DENNIS What do you mean? This guy’s gonna kill them! FRANK Oh, don’t be so dramatic. They’ll just... rough ’em up a little, that’s all. Beat. MAC I’m OK with that. DENNIS What!? MAC Look, I need the money right now, OK? I’ve got a little bit of debt... and my diet is not cheap. DEE Oh, does all your food come from health shops, Mac? CHARLIE No, Frank, I like the sound of messing with some tourists. I mean, we don’t want any outside folks here anyway, right? I mean, in those movies, and it takes forever to get to the fight scenes, they just yap, yap, yap. All those foreigners? Charlie takes another bite. DEE Your family’s from Ireland, Charlie. CHARLIE What the hell are you saying? My family is American, Dee. And we live in America, OK? We have the freedom to do whatever we want. We (MORE) (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

7.

CHARLIE (cont’d) can do a Hostel, and we can eat candles, and we can be sad about this guy- who is this guy again? DENNIS You people are completely unappreciative of genius. We’re gonna go to Sweet Dee’s apartment to mourn. Come on, Dee. Dee and Dennis leave. Frank turns to Mac and Charlie. FRANK Let’s find us some meat! INT. DEE’S APARTMENT Dennis and Dee sit, watching news coverage of Steve Jobs’ death. DENNIS So early. So young. DEE He was taken in his prime. DENNIS Taken. They sit, and continue to stare at the screen. DENNIS So you wanna call the cops on Frank? DEE Oh, yeah. Dee gets out a smartphone and begins tapping. DENNIS Woah, hey. When did you get that? DEE It’s an iPhone. Cool, huh? DENNIS That’s really cool! How long have you had this? He snatches it from Dee, and excitedly begins playing it. (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

8.

DEE I bought it at some market for $50. Dennis stops. DENNIS $50? DEE Uh-huh. DENNIS Dee, this is probably a stolen phone. You say you bought it at a market? DEE Yeah, I got it today when you went into the drugstore. Do you remember those stalls? Dennis smiles. DENNIS Yes, I do. INT. DEE’S APARTMENT - LATER The door swings open, as Dennis and Dee enter with glee, hands full with bags of electronics. DENNIS I just can’t believe how cheap all of this stuff was! DEE Who cares if it’s stolen? DENNIS Things get stolen all the time! Get over it. No point in whining. DEE Get on with your lives, y’know? Stop living in the past. Dennis takes out a box from one of his bags. DEE Ooh, what’s that?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: DENNIS iPod. 30 Gigabytes. DEE That doesn’t sound like a lot of those. DENNIS Yeah, maybe you’re right. Dennis throws the box onto a table and they continue to ruffle through their bags. DENNIS What did you get? Dee pulls out a box. DEE iPad! Dennis pulls out an identical box. DEE Oh, snap. INT. PADDY’S PUB

9.

Frank sits at a table, as Charlie and Mac walk in circles. Charlie continues to eat a candle. FRANK Come on, guys, I need your help here. I don’t know where the tourists go in this town! MAC Do you think we know where the tourists go, Frank? CHARLIE I saw a bunch of gay dudes across from my apartment last night, maybe they’ll know? MAC Why were you watching a bunch of gay guys? CHARLIE I don’t know, I’m throwing out ideas here, I don’t see you throwing out any ideas. (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

10.

MAC Let’s throw that idea out. Throw those kinds of ideas straight out. FRANK Charlie’s right. He’s the only one doing the thinking here. MAC Alright, alright! What about ... Chinatown? FRANK My guy wants tourists, he doesn’t want immigrants! It’s not the same! CHARLIE Little Italy? FRANK Oh, no. I’m not getting involved with the mob again. That shit gets hairy, fast. They locked me up in a closet for three days! I had to eat whatever I found in my belly button! MAC You can’t wait three days before you dig around in your goddamn belly button, Frank? That’s disgusting. CHARLIE Do people perhaps like to torture old ladies? MAC (to Frank) My Chinatown idea was better than that one! CHARLIE I’m just saying, I know a knitting circle... Frank jumps off his seat. FRANK OK, OK. This is going nowhere.

(CONTINUED)

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11.

MAC What about college kids? Frank begins to walk to the door. FRANK That’s better than nothing. Come on, let’s go. Mac and Charlie follow. MAC Hey, Frank, I want to ask you something. Frank stops at the door, and turns. MAC We’re not gonna do anything... illegal are we? Like, kill people? FRANK Listen, Mac, I told ya already. We’re just gonna give them over to some guy, and then we’re done with it. We’re not a guilty party, here. Our hands are clean! MAC OK... Frank turns to the door again. Interrupted, he turns back. MAC And... we get some of this money, right? FRANK It’s a complicated situation, Mac. There’s bank transfers and laundering and... y’know. CHARLIE If we’re gonna get somebody murdered, I want to see some vig action. MAC No-one’s getting murdered, Charlie. And, Frank, you don’t have to tell us amounts just yet. I just wanna know so I don’t worry.

(CONTINUED)

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12.

FRANK OK. Yeah. You’ll get a cut. He leaves. Mac and Charlie high-five, and leave. INT. COFFEE SHOP Dennis and Dee sit on couches, in between them is a table. Their hair is ruffled, they have visibly not slept. Both are using their iPads, coffee cups and food packages lay strewn across the table. A WAITRESS walks to the two. WAITRESS Hello again. They do not respond. WAITRESS Guys, I’m gonna have to ask you to keep this area clean. I’ve warned you about this already. Dennis waves her away. Insulted, she stays. WAITRESS Hey! What do you people think you’re doing? Dee looks up at her, then over to Dennis, who proceeds to look up too. They put down their iPads. DENNIS Lady, we are in mourning. We are mourning the death of an American hero. DEE His name was Steve Jobs. Do you even know who that is? DENNIS Of course she doesn’t. She’s a waitress. Do you think she’s educated? DEE No, I don’t. She looks stupid. DENNIS And fat.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

13.

DEE She is horribly fat. DENNIS And she needs to get her fat ass back to work, before something bad happens. DEE You don’t want to make us angry. We’re in mourning. They stare up, silently. The waitress, overcome with angry embarassment, leaves. The two looks back at their iPads. DEE What are you doing? DENNIS I’m buying things online. DEE Me too. I’m bidding on coloured iPad cases on eBay! DENNIS Me too! But some asshole keeps outbidding me. Beat. DENNIS Wait. Are you littlemisshotpants? DEE pussymagnet69? Beat. Simultaneously: DENNIS You stop bidding on that right now! DEE It’s mine! They descend into argument.

14.

INT. COLLEGE HALLWAY Frank, Mac and Charlie stand in a corridor, its walls lined with boards and notices. A typical college hallway. Charlie and Mac walk together, looking vigilant, as Frank examines the walls and looks inside rooms alone. CHARLIE So this is what a college looks like, huh? It’s not what I was expecting. MAC What exactly were you looking for? CHARLIE Free drinks? Butlers? Expensive food and hot women and a fireplace maybe? And wood, like, lining the walls, lots of wood. MAC Charlie, that sounds like a country club. CHARLIE I mean, it costs so much to go here. This place isn’t that nice. It reminds me of my apartment building. MAC This place is nothing like that. CHARLIE It’s kinda like that. MAC The smell, specifically, is very different. CHARLIE Yeah, this place smells different. MAC It’s almost like it’s been cleaned. CHARLIE That does seem to be the case. Charlie licks a wall, out of curiosity, as Frank returns to the group, defeated.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: FRANK This place is a goddamn ghost town. There’s no-one here! MAC This one might be my fault, guys. I’m pretty sure it’s Spring Break right now. FRANK Goddammit, Mac! Well, now what are we gonna do?

15.

Charlie takes another bite out of his candle, as Mac looks around frantically. CHARLIE Shoulda asked those gay guys. MAC Wait, wait! I got it! Mac rips off a flyer from the wall. Mac gives it to Frank. FRANK Free English language classes offered to affiliate students over Spring Break, room 2.04, Wednesdays and Fridays, 2pm. He looks up at Mac. FRANK That’ll do. EXT. COLLEGE COURTYARD Frank stands, waiting by his car. A door opens, and students of all races begin to pour out. Mac and Charlie leave, as Mac has his arm over the shoulder of ASIF, a thin, Arabic man of around 20. Mac leads him to Frank. FRANK What is this guy, Mexican? CHARLIE No, he’s a gypsy. MAC No, he’s Egyptian. This is our new friend, Asif. He’s looking for some temp work, and we own a bar, so he can work at the bar, right, Frank? (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

16.

Frank examines the man. FRANK He’s kinda skinny. (to ASIF) Don’t they feed you where you’re from? ASIF (replying in an American accent) I’m from Jersey. Frank jumps back. FRANK Woah! This guy speaks English fine! What are you, some kind of Middle Eastern spy? Because we got Osama, you know. The war on terror’s over! MAC No, Asif teaches English here, Frank. Frank pulls Mac aside. FRANK He’s no tourist. I told you I didn’t want immigrants, Mac. ASIF Uh, I’m not an immigrant, guys. I was born here. MAC No-one else wanted to talk to the us because Charlie was eating that stupid candle! CHARLIE Hey, I heard that! This candle is delicious. (he gestures to ASIF) Wanna try? Asif refuses. FRANK OK, I guess he’ll do. Come on. They get in the car and drive away.

17. INT. PADDY’S PUB Frank and Mac stand in the office, speaking in hushed tones. Charlie and Asif sit in the bar, visibly bonding. Frank holds a bottle of pills, and some yarn. FRANK OK, here’s the plan. You put this roofie in the towelhead’s drink, he’s out, cold. We tie him up with some of this yarn that Charlie got from his knitting circle, then I call my guy and tell him we’ve got him some nice fresh meat to play with. MAC Why do you keep calling him ’meat’? Is he gonna die, Frank? Tell me the truth. FRANK OK, yeah. He’s gonna die. MAC Oh, Frank. Frank. You know I can’t let you do this. Beat. FRANK How much? MAC 500. FRANK Done. MAC (excitedly) Alright! Mac jumps out of the office into the bar. Frank follows, and locks the office. He takes the key and puts it on the bar. Charlie bites his candle. CHARLIE Eh, what’s up, Mac? FRANK (to Asif) So, you want a job, huh? I think we’ve got something for ya. (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

18.

ASIF That would be great. Do you have any information on the position? FRANK (to Mac) Mac, get young Jose here a drink. CHARLIE (to Asif) Want some candle? ASIF For the last time, no. Do you have any real food? CHARLIE Oh, they haven’t kept any food here for a while. But they’ve got plenty of candles in the office. Are you sure you don’t want one? There’s a bunch of different colours. Mac hands Asif a bottled beer, after discreetly slipping a pill into it. ASIF Oh, I’m sorry. I’m Muslim. I don’t drink. MAC Come on, just one drink. FRANK Just a little drink. MAC I mean, one drink can’t hurt, can it? ASIF No, no. I really don’t drink at all. CHARLIE Hey, ease off, guys. The guy doesn’t want a drink. MAC (intensely) Drink it.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: ASIF I really will not drink this. MAC Drink it, goddamn it! CHARLIE Hey, Mac, what’s your problem? MAC (to CHARLIE) I just want him to drink the goddamn beer! CHARLIE Who cares if he doesn’t want it? This is America! ASIF I don’t want your beer! Mac lunges forwards with the bottle. MAC Drink it, you bastard! CHARLIE I’ll drink it, alright!?

19.

Charlie rips the bottle from Mac’s hand and begins to chug the beer. Frank and Mac jump at him, trying desperately to stop him. Charlie finishes it, and burps. He places it back on the bar, victoriously. CHARLIE Woo! Yeah! America! MAC Charlie, you’ve gotta puke that thing up, man! CHARLIE Why? I totally just chugged that beer hard. MAC Because, goddamn it, I put a roofie in there! ASIF & CHARLIE What!? Mac turns to Frank.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: MAC Oh... FRANK (to Mac) Get him! CHARLIE Get me!? FRANK (pointing to Asif) No, get him!

20.

Mac jumps desperately for Asif, who dodges and grabs the empty bottle. He smashes it on Charlie’s head and uses the other half as a weapon. He slashes at Mac, and advances on the group, who are forced to retreat into the office. They all yell, indiscriminately. Frank’s key drops on the floor. Asif bangs the door closed, and locks it with Frank’s key, leaving the key in the door. He proceeds to run out of the bar. FRANK Oh, no! My key! He got my key! MAC Did he lock it? Did he lock us in? FRANK He locked us in! CHARLIE My head! FRANK He got Charlie! INT. COFFEE SHOP Dennis and Dee still sit, environment is completely and packaging everywhere. to the two, alongside the on their iPads. The surrounding destroyed, with spilt coffee, food They are silent. A WAITRESS walks MANAGER.

MANAGER Excuse me, it has come to my attention that you have been insulting my staff. I’m going to have to ask you to please leave. They do not respond. The MANAGER puts his hands over their iPads. (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: MANAGER Uh, excuse me! The two look up sharply, their eyes narrow and evil. EXT. STREET

21.

Dennis and Dee walk down the street, iPads out. They tap away furiously. DENNIS So we’re no longer welcome in that coffee place. DEE There’s plenty of coffee places. DENNIS I’ve found thirteen in this zip code alone. DEE Well, they just lost some very good business. DENNIS There’s one on this block. Follow me. They turn down an alleyway. RICKETY CRICKET appears, knife in hand. RICKETY CRICKET Give ’em here. Give them to me! Now! DENNIS Hey! Rickety Cricket! What are you doing with that knife? DEE Are you gonna stab us, Cricket? RICKETY CRICKET Oh, Sweet Dee. I won’t stab you, don’t worry. Beat. Rickety Cricket stabs Dennis. Dee screams as the iPad from her hands, while Dennis screeches in iPad is taken, too. Rickety Cricket runs away. The left screaming - Dennis on the ground, holding his Dee grieving her loss. She raises her hands to the he rips pain. His two are wound; sky.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: DEE Why, Steve!? INT. PADDY’S PUB 3 days later.

22.

Inside the office, Frank and Mac lie, their shirts lifted to reveal their stomachs. Mac roots around his belly button as Frank licks his own fingers. Charlie sits on the chair, half-eaten candle in hand, multiple wicks on the desk. His head has been crudely bandaged with newspaper. CHARLIE I can’t believe you won’t try these candles. They’re delicious. MAC Shut up, Charlie. Mac looks at his finger, and licks it. Charlie takes out the bottle of pills and drinks from it. CHARLIE They go really well with these pills, Mac. You shouldn’t judge them without trying. Dennis and Dee enter the empty bar. Glass is strewn on the bar, some on the floor. DEE Watch out. Don’t walk too fast. DENNIS I can’t believe those guys didn’t come and visit me. I was in the hospital for days, goddamn it. Not hours, days! He winces from the pain. DEE Look at this mess. Where are those bastards? DENNIS Check the office. Dee walks towards the office door and unlocks it. The door opens, and they stare at each other. Beat. CREDITS.