NEEDINESS: A PRIME DESTROYER OF LOVE by Susan Jeffers, Ph.D.

As I see it, neediness is an emotion created by fear, which causes us to protect ourselves at all costs. It creates child-like behavior that is often demanding and unreasonable. It creates insecurity which results in jealousy, anger, numbness to our partner's feelings, and so on. Not good for relationships! It stands to reason that if we are feeling needy, consciously or unconsciously, we will try to manipulate our mate in the desperate hope that they will fill our needs. The needy child rules our being and, between you and me, a child cannot experience real love, whether they are 8 or 81. We truly have to grow up in order to create a loving relationship. The good news is that... The minute that we grow up...the minute that we connect to the Higher Self, the part of us that is strong, confident and therefore able to give...the entire nature of the relationship changes. It is then that real love is possible. Read that again. I believe that without embracing our Higher Self, the best of who we are, we will always be filled with a deep insecurity...and problems ensue. Ben and Jenna offer a perfect example. For six years, Jenna was a stay-at-home mother. She had been an actress prior to their marriage, and gave up her career to raise her son, who was now going to school full-time. Her days now seemed empty and unfulfilling. She missed her acting career. In addition, her confidence had diminished greatly as a result of being home for so many years. She felt that while she had gained a treasured son, she had lost an important part of herself. Then, through an unexpected set of circumstances, and much to her amazement and delight, she was offered a part in a television series. It was a small part, but it was a welcome opportunity to re-start her career. She couldn't wait to tell Ben the good news. But instead of the congratulations she expected, Ben strongly objected, insisting that he wanted her to stay at home. He came up with a lot of "logical" reasons why she shouldn't work, but, in truth, he was threatened by her going out into the world, meeting new people, earning her own money, i.e. he was threatened by her independence. Many fights ensued. Despite

the person who claimed to love Jenna. love can't help but grow as well. became her biggest critic. why couldn't Jenna have stayed at home to please Ben? Wouldn't that have been a loving thing to do?" Good and fair question. As we support each other in growing. You might be asking. it is important that we follow our own path of growth and that we support our mate in doing the same.. a deep closeness can grow.. She should have the opportunity to fulfill herself in the outside world.. he was afraid that his wife's actions would ruin their relationship. Jenna accepted the job.. "Susan. he would have said to himself. but he was wrong.and there certainly are times when it is appropriate and loving to do things just to please our mate. Ideally. his behavior was as irrational as a child's often is. Fear makes us addicted to control.BUT. Although he didn't lie on the floor and have a tantrum... "I'm incapable of loving you because my own insecurities are getting in the way. Ben... knowing that it was something important for her own sense of well-being.. Isn't it exciting she got such a good job? Let's celebrate!" "Oh. We may have a twinge of fear as our mate begins to spread his/her wings. "Yes. we can call it "need". Remember that. not only would Ben have had an opportunity to push through his fears and taken more control of his .Ben's objections. but I know she is unhappy staying at home." We can't really call this "love". Certainly an important sign of a Higher Self love is that we support our partner's growth. It is clear to me that two healthy people in a relationship want to support each other's growth. Unfortunately. Ben. if the truth be known. I'm a little bit nervous about losing her. why didn't you pick up the mirror and notice that the problem was your own insecurity? How different it all could have been!" With self-awareness. I like Jenna being home. If Ben had realized that his fear was the problem. our goal is to learn how to let go and be more flexible and flowing. We'll make it work somehow. but as we cheer each other on.. The put-downs began and never stopped. Think about it: To stand in someone's way is also the same as saying.when it comes to our own sense of personal fulfillment. It was his insecurity that ruined--and ultimately ended--their relationship. but I'll work on my insecurities. "I want it my way!" Ironically.

Susan Jeffers . "If it's this way. You get the point: If we can push through our fears and get rid of the neediness. but his marriage would have become an exciting partnership instead of an angry mess. that's great." As we take responsibility for our lives knowing we can handle it all. it's as though a curtain begins to lift and you can see more clearly and more lovingly. It often works that way. We'll find a way to make it work. we notice that our buttons rarely get pressed. Peace of mind ensues. we are no longer resentful and unhappy. From my heart to yours. What a tonic for a relationship! Once you start pulling yourself out of your insecurity. your mate is likely to become more loving as well. Remember this: Feelings are contagious: As you become more loving. If it's not this way.life. that's great.

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