A Bastard's Guide to Dating

By Shyanne Neiman

Section 1

Section 2
WOMEN - God's Way of Telling You to Fuck Yourself

Section 3
Your Problem, In a Nutshell

Section 4
No More Mr. Nice Guy

Section 5

Reel Her In

Section 6
God Bless The Internet

Section 7
She Bought the Bait!

Section 8
Tips to Keep in Mind...

Section 9
Final Thoughts


Section 1
In an ideal world, women would be like they were in 1950s sitcoms. They would giggle and squeal when you approach them, jump up and down when you make your move, and bend over backwards so you could pin them. Sure, the last one refers more to a school pin than to the kind of pinning you want, but we've got to draw the line somewhere. Even the 50s fantasy has its limits. The point is, things were much easier when men were men and women wanted to be the objects of your affection. You were Kings, we wished we could be treated like Queens, and all was right in the world. Unfortunately for you, things changed somewhere along the line. Now men are only as manly as we let them be, the majority of Queens have the word "drag" in front of their titles, and the world is just alright. If you want your life to change from alright to absolutely fricking fabulous, you're going to need to reclaim the manliness that disappeared with that crazy little thing called the women's rights movement. You're going to have to learn how to stop being the nice guy that every woman says she wants, and become the bastard that every woman claims to hate. I know that sounds a bit ridiculous and it seems like women are much more likely to want the nice guy over the bastard. While you let that thought run through your head, take a moment and think of every woman you've ever seen crying, sniffling, or bitching about their boyfriends. Now take a minute to think of how often you've heard those women say, "I don't know why I always end up with the bastards." Assuming that you've heard those words as often as the rest of the human race has, you can probably see a metaphorical light bulb flashing right now: Women always end up with bastards because that is what they secretly want. With that said, it's time for you to move from hero to zero. (I know that's not a common goal, but it's also not common for a guy to get just about any girl he wants. Think about it.) By the time you finish this e-book, you'll know how to shed your nice guy ensemble and transform yourself into the bastard women crave. You'll learn why women secretly want bastards, how you can become that bastard, and what you should do once you reach that bastard status. You'll also learn some great tips on where to meet women, where to take them, and what to do with them once you have them all to yourself. So, read this e-book, take notes, and get ready to be the best bastard you can be.


boys! Shyanne Neiman ~The Chick Who's about to Change Your World 4 .Happy reading.

In the beginning. "He's just too nice.God's Way of Telling You to Fuck Yourself In the beginning. Then when a nice guy shows his interest in us. Good luck and God speed. we cringe and say. Hell. and he could do whatever he wanted. guys! Five Common Misconceptions about Women Women like to talk big. And from that day on. He could even frolic naked without getting thrown in the slammer. He could sit around and choose names for every animal known to man. the only way I could make you understand why women think this way would be to chop off your penis and put you through extensive hormone therapy. The Garden of Eden was his for the taking. The chances of getting back to the Garden of Eden are slim. Before he could claim his gift. I may not be able to solve that mystery for you. Unfortunately. 5 . And Toto. That should have been Adam's first clue that the creation of woman would bring him nothing but pain. This section will teach you why today's women are more like the serpent than they are like Eve. I have a feeling we're not in the Garden of Eden anymore. Since neither of us is in the mood for that. things were good. God decided to give Adam the gift of Eve. including the forbidden fruit he accepted from her. we wouldn't even know where to look for it! But the good news is that you can finally begin to experience a life that's a bit more like Adam's life was before that fruit.Section 2 WOMEN . the lives of all men . but I can help guide you through the mostly unknown mystery of why nice guys can't seem to score with women. Then one day." I realize how ridiculous that sounds and I wish I could explain why we say things like that. We like to sit around and bitch about all of the bastards in the world and we whine about the fact that we can't find a nice guy.including yours have been cursed. Adam had it made. and it will teach you how to see through their slimy ways. He could have anything his heart desired without working for it. Adam trusted Eve with everything. he had to part with one of his ribs. let's just say that the female preoccupation with bastards is one of nature's mysteries. But as the story goes.

' Sure. but I can assure you that it's not true. So. compliment us. we have the arm strength to pull out our own chairs. but they won't do shit for your dating life. 3. I'm sure we can all agree that gonorrhea is not too high on a man's list of necessary priorities. And unless you belong to a very strange breed of men. Women like men who are sensitive. we already know how good we look. I'm going to let you in on a little secret. 2. and abstinence. Sometimes we want to take a bubble bath and relieve our stress without you asking if we want to be washed. Women like men who will treat them 'right. Women like men with souls. hope. They might get you far in the eyes of the church.our self-learned cleanliness is one of the things that attracted you to begin with. goodhearted men. Sometimes we want to be bitchy and avoid thinking about the light at the end of the tunnel. We like to tell you that we want guys who will pull out our chairs. So. Women have enough emotional hormones as it is. And believe me. When it all comes down to it. long sobbing session while 6 . and cook us dinner. prudence. so we don't need you to consistently ask if we need anything. 4. Remember . and we don't need you to always play the hero. Women like to talk about how they want nice. The last thing we want to do is sit around and pat your back while you let out a good. too. Contrary to popular belief. Women have come a long way over the past several millennia. and we're more than capable of ordering out for dinner. that's what we want you to think. The point is. forget about faith. women need some alone time. this bullshit is so deep that you would need a shovel to dig through it! 1. courage. if treating us 'right' is your game plan. so we don't need you to always be there with encouraging words. Women like men who dote on them.This section will describe the five most common misconceptions that men have about women. Nowadays. women want men who are more on the side of the Seven Deadly Sins than the Seven Contrary Virtues. we have no need for gifts that represent decay. charity. send us flowers. you're going to be in for a long round of solitaire. I don't know who is responsible for spreading this rumor. but that's simply not the truth. As soon as you learn to see these vicious rumors for what they really are. Sometimes we want to watch TV without a drink. We don't like it when men are always around. solitaire is a game for one. you'll have the advantage over every other man who can't see through the bullshit. pleasant. we are self-sufficient on our own. waiting to be helpful. Well. And just to be clear. Women like men who are sensitive about as much as men like women with gonorrhea. justice.

The best way to explain what we want is to break down the word "bastard" to its barest elements. Whatever the reason is. No. Believe it or not. bastards see what they want and they go for it. Unlike nice guys. rather than treat us like we're flowers. While it irritates the Hell out of us when that 7 . bastards might get slapped across the face every now and then. When we get involved with assholes. Sure. we don't know whether we're going to hear from them again or not. bastards are just sexy as hell-no matter what they look like. we all hate the idea of a life without Leonardo. but that's well worth the pleasure they experience when they find a woman who's too excited to say 'no. This is perhaps the biggest misconception of all. but there's something about bastards that's incredibly sexy. Maybe it all stems down to the fact that we crave unobtainable things. Maybe it's the way they look or the way they speak. what women really want is a bastard to bitch about. T is for thrill . let's put technical definitions aside and take a look at bastards for what they really are. What Women Really Want Incase you haven't gotten this point yet. Women love bastards. but we sure do love them in practice. S is for sex appeal . It's pretty tough for us to be crazy about a guy who isn't all that wild about himself. the point is still the same. maybe it's the arrogance. but we don't want to think about how sad you would be in a life without Leonardo. that doesn't mean we're going to look at the definition of the word. A is for arrogance . but we do like a bit of brawn in our guys. this isn't a fricking dictionary. We may not like bastards in theory.When we meet a guy. Sure. Women DON'T like bastards. Case closed.We might not want men who are complete brutes. but we just can't get enough of them. we judge him the same way he judges himself. Whatever it is. So. I don't know exactly what it is about them.' A is for anxiety .you watch the Titanic sink. Maybe it's the brawn.Bastards are notorious for sweeping women off their feet. we just want men who won't hesitate to slam us against the wall and fuck our brains out. Basically. Ode to the B~A~S~T~A~R~D B is for brawn .I don't know what it is.Part of the appeal of bastards is the anxiety that comes along with them. Please be a man and leave the sensitivity to us! 5.

R is for reassurance . maybe he won't. maybe he won't." "Sorry. they automatically refer to what is scientifically known as the bullshit defense. we get a sense of living on the edge. D is for drama ." "I can't make it this weekend and I won't make it next weekend. Dating a bastard might not sound all that exciting." "I always figured we would wind up together in the end. I have plans this weekend. The Bullshit Device When women are encountered by a nice guy they're just not willing to face. a relationship with a bastard never gets boring. Since we can never tell what our favorite bastard is going to do. We get so excited to capture his attention that we overlook what an ass he is to begin with. but I think of you as more of a brother." "I don't want you now and I won't want you then." "I'm just not ready for a relationship with you. does "We're such good friends that I could never risk our friendship." Absolute Bullshit Decoded "You sick fuck. but we've got to get our kicks where we can get them. She knows you're a nice guy so all of your efforts are futile.If nothing else. Maybe he'll call. back away slowly and vacate the area. Absolute Bullshit "I'm flattered. Maybe he'll want to do something.You know the feeling you get when a super hot woman notices you? That's what it's like for women who get involved with bastards." "Sorry.phone call doesn't come. back off now because it's never going to happen. I've seen your flu face and now you want me to see your cum face?" "If you still want to be friends in the morning. If you hear a woman spout any of these lines." "This guy just doesn't get it. I'm not available next 8 ." "I'm just not ready for a relationship. we secretly love the thrill of not knowing what to expect. Give it up.

See what you've done?" 9 .weekend. this whole month is just bad for me. asshole!" "You've left me no choice but to kill you." "You know what? I think I'll be living on Mars by then." he?" "Take a hint. either." "Come to think of it.

you're not likely to receive any other kind of blowing. And you happen to have a fabulous ass. that will work out great for you. what could be the problem? Unfortunately. I know. if you would stop dilly-dallying to ask silly questions. and it will prepare you for the next step in your transformation. you would find out. You don't even need to improve the state of your ass. let's move on to what you can do to polish those letters off your chest and change the letters on the sign to say 'I'm 10 . Follow me! Nice Guy Syndrome When women see a nice guy heading their way. (Or series of letters. While most women will eventually cherish a nice guy. if you want to get technical!) But since we're not too big on technicalities. they see lights flash. You're charming. they have to go through their fair share of bastards first. your love life is doomed to blow-and as long as your love life blows. or more charming. What you need to do is undergo the ultimate transformation. Fortunately for you. It's a cruel world. What's that next step. I've dealt with thousands of men with your exact problem and I know how to solve it. You don't need to become nicer. You're funny. you need to go from nice guy to bastard. So. This section will teach you exactly what qualities you need to get rid of in order to make that transformation possible. their 'nice guy radar' goes wild.Section 3 Your Problem. your problem lies in the very essence of who you are. and they envision the metaphorical 'Please Don't Fuck Me' sign that is branded onto your chest like an enormous scarlet letter. It will explain everything that's wrong with what nice guys frequently do and say. Somewhere down the road. you ask? Well. You're smart. In the meantime. funnier. In a Nutshell You're nice. smarter. They hear sirens wail.

Planet during the day. but trust me. the gym. I know this is a far-fetched method. Sensitivity A.' That might sound like the last thing you want your sign to say. poverty. we can never hope to beat that addiction if we have to wean you off the chick flicks. you'll find yourself saying that much more than you ever thought you would. or wherever else we might go and find you crying along with a Lifetime movie. Seriously. While these subjects are very important issues. Straight women really dig the straight man thing. Wanker As we already covered in the last section.Too Good to Fuck You. Sure. those are some sad fricking movies and they can certainly be addictive. Sure.K. do you? Well. Busy Pants. As much as we might bitch about the men who hold their balls while they park their asses on the couch for horror movie marathons. or flowery poetry. While charity can be a wonderful feature to exhibit to a potential girlfriend. or hunger. but by the time you finish reading this e-book. but I really think you should try to save yourself first. In other words. If you want to intrigue a woman. Unfortunately. it can't take over your entire life. Even if you choose to be Capt. Charity Equals Chastity So. the salon. We don't want to come home from work.) 11 . and constantly prove that you are an all-around great citizen. women are really not into sensitivity. too. (Note: As the foreplay section later in this e-book might indicate. you can still do all of the wonderful things you want to do. you don't have to stop being a good person. you do weekly volunteer work.A Mr. you're going to have to take on more of a Superman role come nightfall. Mr. that doesn't leave you with an awful lot of time to be charitable to your penis. try to pretend that we are women and you are a man. absolute horror is not a good way for you to go. puppy dogs. you should find a way to do it that does not include sunsets. they do not frequently inspire sexual urges-unless you consider absolute horror due to the conditions of the world as some form of bizarre foreplay. too. but you will have to find some conversation starters that don't include the environment. but you're going to have to find something else to talk about. Instead. disease statistics. crime rates. Mr. now does it? I appreciate your effort to save the world. we need to see things like that in our partners. donate money to nearly every charity you can find.

And just the thought of that world is enough to make us let out a sigh and smile. Women were born with an extremely small window for 'getting to know you' time. As you can see. Save the Chivalry for Your Grandma When women think of chivalry. and we have to boot our asses to work. our empty coffee pots mock us. Then the phone rings in tune with our alarm clocks. If we want to experience romance. we have to do it in 12 . burp. it does not usually work in practice. the luxuries of modern day living do not leave us with the time or means to really search the world for a chivalric knight. "I just don't want to ruin our friendship. And if you don't believe the importance of getting stuck in the 'just a friend' category. if you want a woman to think of you in a sexual way. If you want to become more than a friend. or do any of the other disgusting habits that men seem to find endearing. If you do not make your move within the first couple of weeks of befriending your special lady. If you want it now. you have no choice but to try and get it now. You can't sit around and hope it will happen in the future.' The part of the message that you didn't hear is the part where they said that they're really just not into dating a guy who feels like their brother. and be a man about it. who wouldn't want to be with someone who we already know everything about before we tread into the dating realm? Who wouldn't want to date someone who we could read inside and out without the least bit of effort? Who wouldn't want to date someone who feels more like a brother or sister than like a stranger? The answer to all of these questions is simple: A non-incestuous person who wants a bit of passion and mystery in their dating lives would not want to be in a relationship with that special friend. think of it this way: You've heard women say. You'll have to plant some ball seeds. your name will move from the 'potential orgasm provider' category into the 'just a friend' category. In other words. you should probably try that before she's seen you fart. While dating a friend sounds great in theory. grow a set of balls. don't we? After all. we think of medieval knights wooing ladies and princesses all around the grassy countryside. We think of a completely fantastical world that we can barely even imagine.' you can never turn back. And once you are labeled as 'just a friend. We think of all of the things that those knights do in the name of love and chivalry. you will have to make your intentions known.Friendship Won't Get You Laid We all want to be friends first.

Sure. Your befuddled girlfriend will have the chance to tell all of her friends about how she 'trained' you to become the absolutely perfect boyfriend. Then it will be time for the best part. you're going to have to appeal to her zest for bastards before you can pull out the nice guy moves.between business meetings. Then she will finally reach the point where she can gloat about her bastard to nice guy love story and she'll be yours forever. you can add a bit of chivalry once you secure yourself a woman. every woman wants to wind up with a nice guy some day. That might suck for you at the moment. but I won't tell if you don't! 13 . and woo the lady of your choosing. So. there is just no room for chivalry in this world. you're going to have to get in line behind the other guys who are willing to be direct. If you want to spend your Saturday nights with anyone but your Grandma. I've spent some time there myself. and that crazy little thing called sleep. that day is never today. She'll think that she's a miracle worker. all of the nice moves that would have previously annoyed the shit out of her will make her swoon and fall in love with you all over again. Unfortunately. you and I will both know your little secret. It is much easier for a nice guy to transform into a bastard and then revert back to his nice ways than it is for a born bastard to change into a nice guy .ever. Sure. Ideally. Trust me. She'll think that she's responsible for your major change. if you want to be the perfect gentleman. and I promise you. but that will not be the way to get her in the first place. and that bit of power will drive her wild. The problem with women who say they want to be with nice guys is that they are not thinking about the here and now. take your time. I know! If you want to catch a woman. you're going to have to make a move and step into the 21st Century. Why Nice Guys Aren't Sexy The problem with nice guys is that they're just not sexy. traffic-filled commutes. What women really want is a man who starts off as a bastard and progressively transforms into a nice guy. If you wait until the time is right. and all of the bastards she had to go through before she got to you paid off in the end. household duties. you're absurdly devoted to her. As sad as it may be. it's really not all that bad. but it will all pay off in the future.

" "I didn't mean to. Plain and simple." "I don't know. What do YOU want to do?" What We Hear "You think. What do YOU think?" 14 ... in general. I just suck." "Why don't we just cuddle?" "Ladies first. Hell.. If you want to improve your love life and get a girl to move past negative first base with you.Words that Will Make Her Cringe Nice guys aren't distinguishable just because of their looks and mannerisms. therefore I am. you can keep them in your word bank if you really want-but only if you remember these phrases so you can make fun of the other men who still haven't caught on." "This upsets me so much that I could cry. the foolish things that come out of their mouths are the absolute worst giveaways." "My head I'd be scratchin' While my thoughts were busy hatchin'If I only had a brain." "I'm not sure. so you're on your own.." "I don't have a creative bone in my body." "I suck. make sure that you completely eliminate these unappealing phrases from your memory bank. To be fair. What You Say "Whatever you say... Maybe I'll just go watch Titanic again. these are some of the worst things you could say if you are trying to convince her that you're a man. This section deals with some of the worst possible things you could say if you are trying to convince her that you're a bastard." "Why don't I just get a sex change?" "I guess I'll point out that my sex change didn't go through yet." "If that's what you want.

" 15 ." "I'm sorry."I have to go to the mall today. I seem to have misplaced my penis. Do you want to go with me?" "Excuse me for a moment." "I am such a pussy.

Wanna know more about bastards? Read on! The Bastard. an asshole. Nice Guy At this point. You just might need a little help figuring out what this kind of bastard is all about. it only really requires four simple steps that will be a piece of cake for you. Say goodbye to Mr. A bastard could be a person who was born out of wedlock or it could be a term of endearment. or any other run of the mill douche bag. Stop thinking about pussy long enough to train yourself. Making the transition from a nice guy to a bastard is a lot like any other program that requires you to change nearly everything about you-except this transition doesn't require 12 steps. 3. you're either super excited to start your transformation or you're planning to jump off a bridge. I know it can be quite shocking to realize just how unsexy nice guys are. A bastard is not the same as a dick head. A bastard is a breed all of its own." you'll come up with a variety of definitions. Summarized If you do a Google search on the word "bastard. Decide that you would rather get some pussy than be a pussy. This section will teach you the basics of being a bastard. Go get that pussy. In fact. 4. According to Princeton University. Admit that you were a pussy. Now the next step is to learn how to become the ultimate bastard so you can move on to step four and utilize everything you've learned. You'll learn what the hell I'm talking about every time I tell you to be a bastard. but there is hope for you yet. and you'll learn how to become the bastard of all bastards. Nice Guy! The Difference Between Bastards and Dick Heads By now. By now.Section 4 No More Mr. a bastard could also be "an insulting form of address for people who are stupid or irritating or 16 . you have steps one and two under control. you know that you want to be a bastard because the bastards get all the girls. 1. 2.

Both scenarios involve the same aspects . To better explain this phenomenon.ridiculous. But the difference is that he will make the woman aware that she doesn't have any power over him. That doesn't necessarily mean that you have to be an arrogant ass. they tend to keep their mouths shut. and just about as obnoxious as a person could possibly be. he's really just treating himself the way he ought to be treated.being stood up and a game of chase but there is one major difference. This cycle could go on forever because nice guys don't get mad or even: they just get more depressed. rude. phone number. but they won't sacrifice their own pride and sanity to live the pleasant life. Nice guys do the chasing while the bastards are busy getting chased. As a result. They are arrogant. His lack of availability will drive her nuts and she'll begin to chase him. Bastards are concerned with the feelings of others. When she calls him to make amends. Dick heads do not care about other people's feelings and they do not see any reason why they should. If you want to be a bastard by my definition. or email address. you're going to have to put your needs first. They ignore the fact that they feel like pansies and they'll give the bitch another chance. Dick heads think with their dicks and their dicks only care about the most conveniently accessible pussy. Summarized Now the dick head is a totally different story." Sure. When nice guys get fucked over. If a bastard gets stood up. That right there is the basic meaning of a bastard. he's not going to cause a big scene about it either. stop taking other people's shit. Instead of calling her 34 times to make sure that she didn't lose his address. The Dick Head. Their only purpose in life is to receive instant gratification in 17 . but they are more concerned with their own feelings. and realize that you are just as important as anybody else. They want things to be pleasant. While he might look a dick head to the rest of the world. Or maybe he will answer the phone and he'll tell her that he's just too busy to meet her at another time. If you want to get chased. those definitions are accurate. but those aren't the things we're aiming for. he just might not answer the phone. They sacrifice their wants and needs for the wants and needs of others. nice guys commonly feel like shit. let's put you in both sets of shoes and imagine that a woman stands you up. the bastard will simply forget about it. Nice guys have the tendency to put their own feelings on the backburner. you have to have a great love for yourself. you just have to know how to look like one.

but they still pay for the first date. Dick heads feel sad when they run out of lube. Bastards versus Dick Heads BASTARDS Bastards put their feelings first and the feelings of others seconds. When dick heads get hurt. and screaming. they 18 . Bastards may be cheap. Everything else is meaningless and not worth their time. Dick heads get their way by kicking. Bastards look cool by acting like they don't have a care in the world. and instant pleasure. Dick heads don't go on dates. instant money. Dick heads act nice when they're sleeping. Dick heads look for one night stands at the local nunnery. DICK HEADS Dick heads don't have any feelings in general. they Dick heads look cool by making others feel like shit. Dick heads get revenge on an ex by posting her naked pictures all over the Internet-and they don't forget to add her name and phone number. Bastards get their way by acting like there's no other way that could possibly exist.instant pussy. punching. Bastards look for one night stands at bars and clubs. Bastards feel bad when they realize that they hurt someone they care about.every field of life . When bastards get hurt. they go to orgies. Bastards act nice once their kindness is earned. Bastards get revenge on an ex by acting like they didn't care in the first place.

you will have to put up a fight. Fuck biology." Needless to say. If you continue to walk around and let people walk all over you. you're totally fucked . If you want to make yourself stand out from the crowd. Contrary to what you might believe. we don't really care what that means for biology. we're talking about what that means to you as a man. If you want to see things work out for you. Bastards don't act like bastards to everyone. throw yourself out there. This section will explain the various ways that you can put your bastard face forward and make everybody think that your innerbastard is the most natural thing in the world. You need to get laid. Be the Best Bastard You Can Be Now that you know what a bastard is (and isn't). Sure. and monkeys could fly out of my butt. You'll have to make yourself known. there are many dicks out there besides your own. For the purpose of this e-book. Bastards only act like bastards to cover their own asses. ooze green slime. you're going to have to evolve past the nice guy phase of your life and become the ultimate bastard. it's time for you to learn how to be the best bastard you can be. and get into the mix. your sex life will literally become extinct. Survival of the Fittest When Charles Darwin introduced his theory of natural selection.bleed red blood. they only act like bastards to those who haven't deserved to be treated differently yet. it's just not gonna happen. Dick heads act the way they do because they are too ignorant to know that there is any alternative. You can't just sit around playing D&D and hope that an amazingly hot chick will float into your room. he made a great point: It's all about the survival of the fittest. When we talk about survival of the fittest. And in the words of the great Wayne Campbell. If you can't do something to make yours stand out.just not in the fun way. 19 . that could happen. Dick heads would sell their own mother's panties on eBay if they could make a profit. "Yeah.

On the inside. and accessories. So. Even if you're already thinking of calling her the second you turn away from her. control yourself and be patient. When we see something we want. conniving. And that's when we know we have you. and greedy as sin. You see. And 20 . we want it now.There endeth the pseudoscience lesson. you blush. That's why we don't go to the clubs looking like we do when we wake up in the morning. The effort involved in this process might sound ridiculous. and perfectly groomed eyebrows. straighten it. Act cool. and most of all. act suave. and our legs look long. And if that thing doesn't seem to care either way. If you want to get us. and volumize the hell out of it. Finally. it takes us a good hour or six to get ourselves ready. Oh. imagine what it would be like for the woman who spent four hours getting ready to realize that you don't give a shit about her Coach purse or her Manolo Blahnik shoes. If you want to be irresistible to women. We need to look our best so we can instantly gain your visual approval and make us feel like we're worth something. we're just as nervous as you. A Bit of Healthy Indifference If you're reading this book. That is the way of the woman. We have to give ourselves smoky eyes. When you guys see us walk around in our cute little outfits with our perfect hair. act like you don't care if you ever see her again. we have to find outfits that make our asses look small. Imagine if she thought that you could look at her and still be the same guy you were before she stepped into your life. You stutter. makeup. you've probably suffered more than your fair share of rejection. We are naturally jealous. you're going to have to act like you simply don't give a shit. when women go out. we'll just want it more. but I can assure you that it's not. Imagine if she thought that you looked at her for what she is rather than the costume she puts on. our boobs look big. In case you were too busy getting dumped to notice. Then we have to de-frizz our hair. your minds immediately wander to what we must look like under all of our equipment. women are mean. and your IQ levels drop a good 100 points. you have to see right through our arsenal of beauty supplies and realize that we only use these things to cover our selfconsciousness. and then we have to find shoes and purses that match us and make us look even better. add some curls. Why? Because I'm going to let you in on a little secret. pouty lips. vile things.

and fuck us again when the mood returns. We like to lay back. straight women like manly men. boys. I have enough experience with what women actually want to see in a man. Al Bundy is a TV character so I could not get him to help you learn a lesson in manliness.in more ways than one. through and through. All in all. We like men who can fix things around the house. Thankfully. and enjoy the ride. but the dominatrix routine gets old. pick up heavy things. We might get excited to take the lead every now and then. fast. He surrounds himself with beautiful women. That shouldn't be so difficult. he hogs the remote control. should it? Dominate that Dominatrix So. a wife who can't bully him. We like men who will fuck us on command. and kill spiders without screaming like a little girl. Now you're totally fucked . you can cook dinner in a Speedo while you simultaneously fix the leak in our kitchen ceilings . While it's nice to have a guy who's willing to help out around the house. but he is a man.we won't complain about that. Sure. Unfortunately. so we won't need to bring in any outside players. whine when we're not in the mood to fuck. we like to be pampered and pleasured with as little effort on our parts as possible. Take it from me. and his favorite position is with his hand down his pants in front of the TV. The best place for you to be a man is in the bedroom. Contrary to what most women will tell you.now imagine just how wild that would drive her. relax. But when you bust out with an apron and oven mitts while you cook us some French meal that's hard to pronounce. Grab Your Balls and Be a Man Al Bundy might not be the most charming of men. you found yourself a randy sex kitten. 21 . A bit of healthy indifference works like a charm. You see. and enough testosterone to fill his old high school football stadium. your best bet is to act like a straight man. I would say that Al understands his role in the world. He has his own private bathroom. did you? Congratulations. If you're looking to appeal to a straight woman. boys. we cry a little on the inside. that guy can't replace the manly man that we all desire.

too. The Taming of the Shrew Every now and then you might find yourself with a woman who seems like she should be perfect. she's bound to mark her territory first. If you're with a woman who always tries to take the driver's seat in the bedroom. Don't blatantly tell her that your idea sucks and don't try to defend your idea. She is always right. on her terms. If you want things to work out with this girl . Then the tables turn and she becomes a demanding little bitch who won't budge on anything. (Note: Please don't follow your dog's lead and mark your territory by peeing on your woman. 22 . I reiterate: it's fine to let her take control every now and then. tell her that you'll be at the bowling alley and she's welcome to join you if she wants. we can get our way as long as you'll let us. you are always wrong. and a pleasure to have around . casually disagree with her. Just tell her that you're doing what you want to do and she can do whatever she pleases. I mean. if you want to have things done your way. sweet. She's nice. you're on top everywhere else. While I'm sure that you are wrong at least half of the time. She may whimper and whine about this at first. Everything must be done her way. if peeing is your thing and that's what it takes to turn you on. that's no reason to let her control you. you're going to have to let her know that's the only way that works for you. The next time a woman tells you what you're going to do.until you get her alone. I digress. You have to play the role of the dominator in the bedroom if you want to keep the action coming.Consider sex as a metaphor for the rest of your dating relationships. but that's perfectly natural. you're going to be in for a short ride. you're always going to be at the bottom of the relationship. That is.you're going to have to tame the hell out of her. If you don't mark your territory when you have sex.) Ahem. and that's all there is to it. she'll own you in all other ways. If she says that you're going to go to the opera and you would rather go bowling. That's your business. Women like to whimper and whine because we can usually get our way when we do. If you're on top in the bedroom. she's bound to follow you wherever you go. whatever. But if you've been having sex with her for two months and you've yet to be on top. If she's always on top in the bedroom. Just be sure to fill her in on your business before things get a little too moist for her liking. As long as you're not a dick head about it.or with any other woman . So.

You don't feel so bad now. Congratulations. Don't trade in your humanity. The best way to get over the awkwardness of this stage is to refuse to feel bad about your transformation. You know that your best bet is to become a bastard and reverse the curse 23 .And that. Guilt is for Pussies As much as you want to follow these techniques and become the ultimate bastard. Sure. either. blown off. my friend. you're going to have to get over the weirdness of the situation and just make it a part of your normal routine. But if you want to succeed in this four-step program. Here's how: Don't feel bad. you're probably going to feel pretty shitty about it at first. It can be quite awkward to move from never getting your way to always getting it. Similarly. but I'd like to take a moment to reiterate what you learned. or yelled at for no particular reason. Now think of how you felt each time that happened. Think of how many times you were stood up. but you're still going to get back some of the kindness that you've devoted your entire life to giving. do you? If you want to see yourself gain the respect you deserve. The point is that you're not going to be a total dick head. You earned it. buddy. you're going to have to become a slightly different man to make that happen. but that's rather irrelevant. We've already gone over the difference between bastards and dick heads. is how you tame the shrew. You already know why nice guys just can't win and why bastards can't seem to lose. This transformation has been a long time coming and it's finally time for you to get treated like the man that you are. You've always been kind to others and you've gotten shit in return. you have to start off by reminding yourself that you do deserve it. Take a moment to think back on all of the people who trampled over the nice guy version of you. it can be odd when you go from being invisible to women to being irresistible to women. Now it's your turn to be in the driver's seat and have your feelings and needs met for once.

that has foiled the rest of your life. But don't forget where you came from in the process. You know what it's like to be treated like absolute shit and you know how lousy you felt every time you were mocked, degraded, or ridiculed in any way. Those days are over for you, but that doesn't mean they should begin for somebody else. Have fun. Be a bastard. Be good to yourself. Make up for all of the good things you missed out on. But don't forget what it's like to be on the other side of the tracks.


Section 5 Reel Her In
Before you can hope to reel in a woman, you need to understand a bit about the way the female mind works. Women are naturally very suspicious and we will do everything in our power to prove that men are full of shit. If you plan to act like a bastard when you first meet her and then revert to your natural self, she's going to see right through you. And once she knows what you're really up to, her claws are bound to come out. If you want to reel her in, you'll have to do more than pretend to be a bastard; you'll have to be a bastard. That means that you're going to have to utilize everything you've learned so far and fine-tune your skills to suit your situation. This section will teach you how to do just that. You'll learn how to make her want you like crazy and how to make yourself look like the most appealing bastard out there. Follow these rules and it will be nearly impossible for her to turn you down!

Play Hard to Get (And You're Bound to Get Some!)
Do you remember being in elementary school and watching that little boy who tormented girls but they all had crushes on him? You know, the boy who showed his affection by pulling hair and tripping girls at recess? Well, as much of a prick as that little boy was, he still grew up and got all the girls. Why? Because women are absolutely smitten by the unobtainable. That unobtainable thing could be a little boy with a fear of cooties or a full-grown bastard who doesn't seem interested. Either way, the point remains the same. Women want what we can't have. So, if you're interested in her, you're going to have to become the little boy with a kicking problem. (Just leave the kicking part out of it!) If you want her and you want her to want you, you're going to have to act like you don't want her at all. As stupid as that sounds, it's the complete truth. No matter how old we get, women are suckers for the 'I don't want you' game.

Desperation is NOT a Turn-On.
Even if you're not a good enough actor to make her think that you don't want her at all, you'll have to at least act like you wouldn't sell your left nut for a chance with her. And if you would sell a nut to be with her, then you might want to look


into a bit of therapy in the future. As pleasant as it can be to have a woman around, it's not worth one of your testicles. If you decide to show your slight interest, play it cool. Don't jump at the chance to ask for a date and don't act like you're in a panic. Keep your voice level at a normal pitch, refrain from stuttering, and try not to shake like you have a sudden case of Parkinson's. Just be cool and let her see that your balls belong to you and there's nothing she can do to make you part with them.

Step Away from the Phone.
When a woman tells you that she'll call you, don't act like a bitch and wait by the phone. If she calls, she calls. If she doesn't, she doesn't. Repeat that after me and let it be your new mantra. You're not going to act like a pansy over a fricking phone call. If you want her to be attracted to you, it's going to have to look like you lead some kind of life. If she dials your number and you answer before the phone finishes the first ring, you're going to look like a loser. If you sound like you ran through a military obstacle course to get to the phone before that first ring finished, you're going to look like a complete faggot. Your best bet is to forget that she even said she would call. Take your time answering the phone. Don't sit by the phone and wait and don't have a panic attack every time it rings. Just get on with your life, do what you have to do, and prepare yourself for that phone call when the time comes. Remember: If she calls, she calls. If she doesn't, she doesn't. It's as easy as that.

Make Her Sweat.
Along with acting like you haven't been dying to see her or hear her voice, you have to act like you're really just too busy to deal with her. Don't call her every day and never call at the exact moment you said you would. Be a little bit late for your dates and avoid answering the phone every now and then. If she thinks that you are avoiding her and she suddenly hears your voice, she will be absolutely elated. You need to make her chase you if you want to have the upper hand in your potential relationship. Make yourself unavailable sometimes and be accessible at others. Answer the phone when she calls sometimes, but don't answer it every time. Show up or call her on time sometimes but completely blow her off for a little while on other occasions.


you're going to have to show off as much as you can. extend your fingers and stretch them out every once in a while. While you're sitting with her. Show Off Your Goods Whether you're an Adonis or an average Joe. If you want to make a convincing bastard. Remember that. but they'll still highlight your physical appeal. And when it comes to dating games. If you have a killer smile. Maybe you have a great ass or maybe you have huge hands. If you're having a conversation that's slightly sexual in nature. Just remember that a show off is not the same as a douche bag and you'll do just fine. Whatever your most appealing features may be. too.or at least that's how it works with nice guys. Be a Show Off When men deal with other men. And you can see your Bastard Badge as tactical ammunition in your own hunt. every man has positive physical features. run your fingers through your tresses every now and then. In any case. Which is what you're doing. All of these things will look very natural while you're sitting with her. they love to show off.This constant battle of not knowing whether or not you'll be available to her will intrigue her and make her work for your attention. they tend to be a lot more modest . They might have a contest to see whose piss can shoot further. If you have a six-pack that other men would kill for. you're going to have to show them off if you want her to look at you in a sexual light. make a comment about food and place your hand on your stomach. If you know you have great hair. Make her see what's so appealing about you and why she should want you in her life. She doesn't need to know that she got your attention from the start: that would ruin the purpose of her little game. When men deal with other women. or they might try to compare sexual escapade stories. flash her with your pearly whites whenever it seems appropriate. men love to show off to other men. the hunt is more exciting than the prize. if the two of you are having a conversation about religion and you start running your hands 27 . try to nonchalantly show off your positive physical features. Just be sure not to overdo it or you will look like you have some weird fixation with your own body parts. In other words.

That bastard touch will drive your potential lady crazy and make her feel like she has to work for your attention. you're going to have to show off your mental qualities a little bit. you're going to look like some kind of freak. the less willing she'll be to see things come to an end. if you leave the waitress a big tip. If cars aren't really your thing. you're on the right page. women will try to avoid getting freaky with the freaks. At this point. you can make it look great with a paint job and a lot of wax. it may seem like I'm telling you to find a girl who wants to use you. If you want to catch her eye. the more work she puts in. Buy yourself a nice car and make sure you take good care of it. What you don't realize is that you're on the right page for the completely wrong reasons. too. Show her what makes you a guy that she would want to be with and why she would be crazy if she didn't want you. balance that off with something that makes you look like a bastard. That doesn't mean that you have to have a lot of money or that you have to throw the money you do have around. That will draw her eye to it and make her think of any jewelry you could potentially buy her in the future. And more often than not. If you give any information that makes you seem like a nice guy. Make sure that piece of jewelry is visible and play with it whenever you get a chance.over your pecks. but that's just the way it is. The best way for you to do this is to splurge on yourself and make it work to your advantage. make sure you flirt with the waitress just a little. If that's the impression you got. Even if you drive a shit box. Don't be afraid to crack a joke or to display your natural sense of wit. And as we've already covered by now. 28 . you could try buying yourself a nice piece of jewelry. It may not be right and it may not be fair. you're going to have to be a little flashy. Show Off Your Lifestyle Women are naturally attracted to money. Just be sure not to show off too many things that will send her nice guy radar off the charts. For instance. Show Off Your Charms If you want to make yourself look appealing. You just need to have a few key items that show that you live a comfortable lifestyle.

The problem with women is that they tend to fall for men hard and fast. Unlike emotions. Who gives a damn if you have to get her attention through a dishonest reason? Honesty is for nice guys. So. there's nothing more attractive in a man than his ability to make us feel attractive. If you plainly ogle her physical assets without making yourself look like a total pervert. All you have to do is follow up on your hungry eyes routine with a small smile. And you'll immediately transform into a sex god before her eyes. read on and ooze away. sexual desire isn't something that can usually develop over time. she's going to blush. giggle.. it's really easy to ooze sex appeal if you know how to get that appeal flowing. and feel like a sex goddess. her motivation will change from the prizes you could buy her to the prize that is you. make sure you check out her body. 1. the more she will become attracted to your bastardly ways. Let your eyes roam over her face. and right down to her toes. If you ever want a chance to get in her pants. and that is clearly not you anymore. the best thing you can do to make yourself look sexy is to make it look like you think she's sexy. Before she even realizes what happened. When you talk to her. Go! Check Out Her Goods Strangely enough. you're going to have to make yourself look like a sexual creature right off the get go. Before that time can come. Believe it or not. her motivation for being with you will change over time. It's good to be a bastard. The more she sees of you. She's bound to notice and she won't forget the way you looked at her. Even if she begins with the intention of using you. 29 . You might be in a bit of a panic right now but I can assure you that there's no need to worry. your main goal is to peak her interest and get her to that point. boys. You're going to go from sexless to sexy in 3. legs. 2. For most women. She doesn't have to have a killer body for this to work.. isn't it? Ooze Sex Appeal You can be as much of a bastard as you want to be but it won't make a lick of difference if she doesn't want to fuck you. chest.

and for her approval . Nerves have the tendency to make our voices pitch higher and make us sound like cartoon characters on drugs.is to be confident. there's no way she's going 30 . the worst thing we can do is get nervous. If you can make her be the first one to look away. Project your voice into the voice of a man. Of course. Let your gaze linger. so remember not to give her too much rambling time! Lower Your Voice When it comes to our voices. she would go find that elementary school hair-puller. try to make your voice as low and deep as possible. but speak from your gut rather than from your mouth.Just make sure that you don't make yourself look like a complete asshole. but it truly does. And if a woman wanted to date someone with a squeaky voice. It might not seem like voice pitch counts for much. She'll notice that you were checking her out and she'll count the moments before you do it again. it's okay for her to see you take a glance at her tits. In other words. you're a bastard now. Play it cool. You have to make her see that you're physically attracted to her but you're not going to rape her in the bushes. Trust me on this one! Be Confidant One of the best things you can do for yourself . make yourself sound guttural. but don't be obnoxious about it. the ball is in your court. the best place for you to look is in her eyes. When you talk to her. eye contact will give the impression that you're really listening to her-and women simply love men that will listen to them ramble. Your goal is to intimidate her and excite her. Remember that eye contact is not the same thing as a staring contest. If it doesn't look like you think you're terrific. let your gaze linger for a moment. Make Eye Contact When you're not staring at the rest of her body. Your main objective is not to avoid blinking for as long as possible or to make her laugh. Plus. but it's not okay for you to speak directly to them. and then look back up towards her face. Speak loudly enough for her to hear you. Keep your eyes focused on hers unless it starts to feel uncomfortable.

And fast. wondering if you might maybe want to come over for a little while?" Instead. don't ask. 31 . hot. If you do make a move. there will come a point in your meeting where everything is perfect.to think you're terrific either. And if you can't be the Master. Minus that exception. but she's much more likely to agree if you appear confident in your statement.. "So.. Get Up and Leave When things reach their peak and it looks like you can't lose. she's going to expect you to make a move and prove your interest. she'll call. If you want to display your confidence. put your foot down and say. The only logical thing to do at this point is to try to plan your next date and secure your future opportunities with her.unless you are trying to make her jealous by casually observing another woman on the sidelines. I realize that might sound a little ridiculous. Even if you're saying something that really should be more of a question than a statement. I was. Act like everything you say is factual. logic doesn't mean shit when it comes to dating. Say it as if that's just the way it is. if you want to invite her over to your place. but that move leads you straight out the door. Unfortunately. she'll even go home with you right then if you'll have her. keep your gaze on her and don't look away. umm. you're going to have to act a little cocky. sexy. you're essentially telling her that she is your master and commander. she's going to be shocked. and all around wonderful. Another way for you to appear confidant is to look directly at her and keep your head high. "I want you to come over" or 'Let's go to my place. It seems like she wants to see you again and you know you want to see more of her. If things are going perfectly. than if you stutter around a nervous question. Never look at the ground or look off to the side . For instance. try to have some authority with your words. Hell. you're bound to get stuck in the role of Master Bater. Don't raise your voice at the end of a sentence so it sounds like a question. your goal is for her to think you're terrific." There's a chance that she'll deny you of your request. If you look into her eyes and quickly avert your gaze to the ground. your best bet is to get the hell out of there. And just to be clear. She'll instantly worry if something is wrong and she'll do what she can to ensure that everything turns out all right. If things are going well. but it will do wonders for you in the long run. She'll email you.

don't walk. If she's the kind of girl who thinks she did something wrong. tuck away her number for a week. They dress to the 32 . This works out well for you because she'll already have her ticket in advance and you don't even have to be the asshole that shuts the lights. get there quickly. And that. Chances are that she'll call you within 24 hours. It's as simple as that. or ladies night. The ladies will be waiting. she would drink at home. you can always get shitfaced if things don't work out. and you should be able to at least sneak in a drink with her. give her yours. Bars: If a woman wanted to drink without meeting anyone. you'll probably find her at a restaurant bar. Beaches: Women. jazz night. Need I say more or do you get my point? Stage 2 . she's looking to meet. she might not call. Restaurant Bars: If a woman wants to drink and find men but she doesn't want to go to a standard bar. trendy. Stage 3 . Invest in a dog and the ladies will be all over you. she's probably sitting by her phone and praying to hear from you. If you're looking for something longer. Bikinis. She'll be so happy to hear from you that she'll do just about anything that you want. Run. my friend. Parks: Women love to spend their free time roaming around the park. bring her back home with you. Take down her number. Where the Chicks Roam Stage 1 .Further Up the Ladder Movie Theaters: Women flock to the movies in huge groups and they're usually open to meeting people there. And the best part is.The Cheaper the Better Coffeehouses: Women love coffeehouses because they're safe. Themed Clubs: Women love getting dressed up to fit in with a particular theme. Let her sweat it out for at least five days before you give her a call. Suntan lotion. and make your exit. Keep an eye on any lonely ladies eating dinner or drinking.If you're looking for a one-night stand. is how you become Master Bastard. When you get home. If she goes to a bar. You.The Top of the Ladder Theatre: Women love the theatre. tell her you simply have to go. If you know a club with an 80's night. This works out for you because it just doesn't get any cheaper than a coffee date. If that's the case. and easy places to meet people.

Ethnic Restaurants: Women love ethnic food and they usually can't find guys who agree with that sentiment.nines. Look for lame ass chick shows like The Vagina Monologues and you're sure to have center stage. pay a ton of money to see a show. not too many men are into dinner theatre. Show up for a show and you'll be outnumbered 50 to 1 by randy women. Show up at an ethnic restaurant and you'll catch her eye before you even notice that she exists. 33 . As you may have guessed. and look for any men who might be into the same thing. Dinner Theatre: If there's anything that women love more than theatre. it's food.

(In the meantime. With each advancement in technology comes a new potential advancement for your sex and dating life. Then you got to wait for the damn thing to go to print. the Internet is a pretty damn convenient dating tool. the times they are a-changin' and the technology is changing even faster. it's important for you to understand some of the pros and cons of Internet life. easy. 34 . Online dating is a great way for you to get to know a person before you have to sit with them. Scanners made it possible for us to see whomever it is that we're talking to. and convenient as hell. This section will teach you just about everything you should know about Internet dating and Internet mating. Thankfully. Those were the days when you could sit in the privacy of your home and still have a chance to get laid three months after you put in your original request.Section 6 God Bless The Internet I remember the days when the only way that you could meet someone from home was to place an ad in a newspaper or magazine. wait even longer while you waited for any possible replies. and how to navigate your way through the plethora of online dating services. The Internet made it possible for us to connect with other singles and get to know each other within minutes. I'll try to keep the 80s lingo out of my 21st Century discussion. Happy searching! Internet Pros and Cons Before you get all psyched up about the wonders of the Internet. Microphones made it possible for us to be lazy-ass bitches and have online phone sex while we watch on webcams. clever ways to arrange meetings. You'll learn the ins and outs and ins of cyber sex. All in all. Just keep these things in mind while you surf the net and try to pick up those bitchin' babes. The Internet is a great place for you to practice your new bastard skills without the added nerves of talking to a 3D woman.) Pros • • • The Internet is fast. and then wait to make arrangements to meet. Stupid newspapers.

(In other words. You might totally connect with someone online and then see that there's absolutely no chemistry between the two of you once you meet. You could be dealing with some kind of psychopath who will stalk you once you give her your personal information. You might meet a lot of girls who seem wonderful but live impossibly far away for you to carry a relationship with them. Cyber Sex When John Hughes released Weird Science twenty years ago.) If it turns out that you're dealing with a complete douche bag. You can read her online profile to see if the two of you are looking for the same things before you make a move. you might find that you have nine billion women who might be perfect for you. You can 'woo' her with a greeting card. men around the world went wild. Online dating services are full of available women who are looking for the same things as you. You can pick up women 24/7 without worrying about pesky things like closing time and last call. The convenience of cyber sex can eventually become addictive and keep you from meeting all of the women you could potentially have real sex with. or just about any other form of flattery without getting off your ass or paying a penny. She might be that cute little blonde in the picture or she could be a group of corny adolescent boys who spend their Saturday nights fucking with people like you.• • • • • • • If you're looking for quick relief. e-kiss. just like you probably plan to do. Cons • • • • • • • • Online relationships that don't develop into in-person relationships can leave you with a serious lack of female flesh in your life. It turned out that men love the idea of a computer generated sex 35 . you don't have to worry about getting the shit kicked out of you for approaching a woman who happens to be dating a wall of muscle on legs. you can easily find an online cyber buddy so you don't feel so alone. You can sit around in your underwear while you go searching for women and worry about the grooming when you know you're going to score. Once you start your profile searches. You never know who you're really talking to. People lie on the Internet. so you save them all in a little folder and never get around to contacting any of them. Don't be surprised if you go to meet a college professor who spends her summers in the Peace Corps and wind up meeting a retired waitress who spends her summers reading to her cats. you can simply click the little 'x' to get rid of her and move on to someone worth your time.

They don't want to look at a screen that's filled with a bunch of ooh's and aah's while they sit around and type out a novel. If you have a problem with it. And hey. there aren't any written rules or regulations in the cyber world. Cybersex is not one of those times. You might not be able to have a woman magically burst from your computer. those people were wrong and probably feel a little foolish about their inaccurate predictions.machine that is virtually perfect in all ways.Be graphic and downright dirty. buddy. but if you do. and straight to the point. What is not fine by me is the amount of men in the world who don't know what they're doing when they have cyber sex.Wait. A little white lie never hurt anyone and . Well. If you want her to stick around for your finale. but you've got to have at least one of those two down pat if you want to succeed with women. They want to be turned on by someone else while they do their busy work. No. Whatever floats your boat is fine by me. You can heed my advice and try to beat around the bush. you're going to have to be dirty.Pick a name and stick to it. you better skip ahead to the next section and brush up on your cunnilingus skills. but they were at least on the right track. 36 ..) Now as I was saying. Why? Because just like men. you could always wear that bra on your head while you cyber. And if you happen to lack cunning linguist skills. There are certain times in life when it is okay to be shy and reserved. a lot of people were convinced that we would have electronic sex bots of our own by now. I know a promise is a promise. graphic. I recommend that you refer back to the section of this e-book that tells you to stop being such a pussy.. but sometimes it's okay to break that promise if it will benefit others. Tricks of the Trade # 1 . # 2 . Back then. but it turns out that I lied about that. if you're really that bummed out that the Weird Science fantasy didn't pan out. (Note: I know I promised that I would avoid any talk that involved the 1980s. If you want to turn a woman on. Sorry. but there damn well should be. but you can still sit around your computer and have a great sexual experience. she's going to take her bush and get the hell out of there. I don't need to explain myself to you. you're going to have to dazzle her with your cunning linguistics. women cyber for a reason.

Be articulate. # 5 .Don't just think with your dick. chances are that you're going to get straight to the point. For times like this. That's what this chart is for. that will just show her that you're into what you're doing.When you meet a cyber gal. Your Own Cybersex Cheat Sheet Male Anatomy Dick Penis Sac Cock Balls Head Shaft Nuts Ass 37 . However. really. There's nothing wrong with a random 'f' or 'g' thrown into the middle of a word.dajer. You're only having cybersex so you can get off. Make sure that you spend at least half the amount of time describing what you're 'doing' to her as she spends describing what she's 'doing' to you.' You can hold that key down for just about as long as you'd like without annoying her . Make a document with nifty words and phrases that might help you out when times get hard and your dick gets harder. You just need something to call her so that you don't have to spend your night writing to MyTitsInYoFace69. you're not trying to find a soul mate. as will she. That name will probably be fake.and your nine other fingers will still be completely accessible. At a loss for words? Don't worry. In the midst of all that lying. The rule of half never fails. try sticking with the letter 'm.' If you're way too busy to type anything legible. do yourself a favor and try to catch her name. However. it might be a good idea to keep a cheat sheet handy. but I understand how difficult it must be to type anything clever when your cock is hard and one hand is occupied. I know. but that doesn't really matter. You're probably going to lie your ass off. I realize that you're a bit preoccupied when you cyber.When all else fails. cheat. I don't have a dick. # 4 . that doesn't give you an excuse to just type random strings of words that look like 'jdfkahdgknf . It's a no lose situation. I know. # 3 . you really need to keep her involved if you want her to stick around. but you're going to have to be at least a little articulate when you type.

My tongue is running I'm holding you by your I'm rubbing your pussy hair so you can watch with the head of my what I do to you. I'm pulling down your My fingers are 38 . Where are your hands? Tell me exactly what you want me to do to you. What are you doing now? Tell me how good it feels.Female Anatomy Breasts Pussy Boobs Tits Cunt (Use wisely! Try Lips pairing this word with a pleasant adjective. Describe What You're Doing to Her My hand is brushing against your thigh and my mouth is around your nipple.) Opening Ass Clit Good Adjectives hot delicious horny throbbing dirty sexy tasty nasty pulsing wet steamy beautiful hard amazing sooo good deep slutty (Use this one at slippery your own discretion-you don't want to offend her!) Ways to Stall for Time What are you wearing? Tell me what that feels like. hard cock.

Describe Your Reactions That feels so good. right there! so hot. You make me so hot. I'm so close. I'm getting so hard.over your clit and you taste so good. really here. panties and damn. you make me Oh yeah. I'm licking your juices I'm pounding my cock off my finger and you into your pussy and I taste fucking delicious. Make Her Feel Good You're amazing. pussy while I lick your clit. Mmmmmmmmm Oh baby. I want you so bad. 39 . Keep going. your slamming into your pussy is beautiful. Speed Things Up I'm almost there. I'm gonna cum. You taste delicious. I'm fucking you from behind while my balls slam into your clit. You are so sexy. My hand is down my pants and I'm rubbing my balls. I'm rubbing my cock and wishing my hand was your mouth. Describe What You're Doing to Yourself I'm taking off my boxers I'm stroking my cock and throwing them on and wishing you were the floor. Keep going. I'm running my hand over my cock and stroking it. just like that. can feel you shaking. You're so fucking good. I'm pumping my cock faster and faster.

" Chat Rooms If you're hoping to meet a girl in person." "totem pole. leave out phrases like "hole in one. In other words. Of course. When you talk about her body. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to engage in decent cyber sex. I'm cumming." and "member" when you talk about yourself.Oh God. I know it's hard to believe. Simply put. The most important thing you can avoid is technical terms that will leave her scratching her head and wondering what the hell is wrong with you." and "canal of love. Things to Avoid When it comes to cybersex. baby. Note that I said almost. but you'll need to the above mentioned tricks of the trade if you want your rocket to blast 40 . I can't hold on much longer. That means that you should steer clear of any terrible cliques like "lance of love. Cum with me. it's easier to hook up with a girl when she's alone than it is to pick her up when she's in the middle of an online orgy. won't turn on ordinary girls. an online orgy is a pretty fricking accurate definition. Chat rooms provide you with a great way to instantly receive an abundance of IM's and a variety of dirty cyber invitations. you're close enough to avoid large or technical words. there are plenty of reasons why you shouldn't eliminate chat rooms from your list of potential places to hook up with random women. Why? Because as a general rule of thumb." Also avoid any extremely derogatory words that are bound to turn her off unless she's into some pretty heavy cyber shit. And if you want to define the essence of a chat room. Try to avoid any super cheesy lines that will probably make her laugh and sign off on you. you fucking slut". you're going to look like some kind of freak if you spout out "I'm penetrating your vaginal canal with my phallus and it feels absolutely spectacular. but it really is true. If you're looking to spend a lovely evening with nothing but your hand and your penis. If you're close enough to have an orgasm with her. chat rooms are a great place for you to get your jollies on." "backdoor. your best bet is probably to try to pick her up in a place where 100 other yapping people do not surround her. "Take it all. seeing you type. almost anything goes.

Pussy Magnets So. These types of groups are perfect whether you are trying to find yourself a wife or a cum dumpster. too. hey. personalities. You can search for women based on physical assets. and going back to the clichés I mentioned earlier? Never refer to your dick as a rocket. Internet dating services make it ridiculously easy for you to find exactly what you want with the click of a button. Just follow these tips when you create your profile and you should be all set. Sure. Ever. It just doesn't get any easier than that. Unfortunately. you don't drive a Ferrari. I'm thrilled for you. or various keywords that might appeal to you. emoticons are good for some things but they won't get you laid.A. And by that. You can also search for rich women. you're on the Internet so you don't have to be completely honest.Reel her in with a smile. You just have to be honest enough for her to NOT want to kick you in the face when she meets you and sees that you're not six and a half feet tall. I don't mean to send her a cute emoticon. Now you just have one small problem: she has to want you. 41 .off before you bore her to death or scare her away. That may sound like a difficult feat. If bars and clubs could be this helpful. Internet Dating Services If you're looking to meet in person. They put all of the tools you will need at your fingertips and you just have to fill in the blanks. bars and clubs are nearly useless if you want to have any idea what you're getting yourself into before you walk up to a woman and risk making an ass of yourself. All you have to do is create a profile that will really advertise your positives and cloak your negatives. Great. Thankfully. Remember. but it's really rather simple. Oh. Internet dating services are exactly what you need. I mean. let alone the European cucumber you described earlier.K. we wouldn't need the Internet. Tip # 1 . you're officially convinced that Internet dating services are exactly what you need in your life. such as MillionaireMatch specialize in just such a service. and your pants don't even look like they're stuffed with a Pez dispenser. why not go for the gold? Dating sites. does it? Profiles A.

she can't be bothered to read the ones that don't grab her attention right off the bat. she's going to scan right past you and move on to the next guy. If your profile sounds like it was copied from some kind of form letter. could make the difference between getting fucked and getting fucked over. You don't want to sound like the kind of guy who spends all of his free time roaming around dating sites and looking for chicks . You don't need to sound like Einstein reincarnated. Use a good amount of adjectives and adverbs.Virginity is not a turn on. Tip # 2 . that's one of those things that you can omit from your profile. When you choose your picture. try to vary them up a bit. 42 .even if that is exactly what you do. you're going to have to include a picture and make it a good one. You might not think it's important to tell the world whether or not you smoke. If you set up your profile at multiple dating sites.) Tip # 3 . try to be a bit naughty. but that question could be very important to her. With all of the profiles out there. You're not going to get very far if you use the picture that shows you wearing a huge grin because you just grew your first pubic hair. Tip # 5 . but you should sound like you have some kind of activity going on up in your noggin.Be Bad. You don't have to sound like a complete douche bag but you don't want to sound like the kind of guy who's in his late 40s and still lives at home with Mom. When you create your profile. Fill up every space on the profile and don't leave any questions unanswered. And that. You should also try to use a high quality picture that shows you in good lighting. Hey.If you want to entice her. If she can't see you because the picture is too dark or grainy. my friend. Tip # 4 . but don't overdo it. what she doesn't know can't hurt her. make sure you pick a recent one.Don't get into a routine. she's going to slap a huge metaphorical rejection sticker on your application. (And if you do still live at home with Mom. you're going to have to include a picture of yourself. If you want to make her notice you.Use your head.

don't respond to her question of where you're from with an answer about your dick size. ask her questions about her favorite ice cream. of course. you're going to have to think of every good thing you know about yourself and bring it up. Then. Talk about Yourself As you already know. If you plan to lather her up in chocolate sauce and have yourself a buffet. Ask her a couple of questions that could help you out if you ever meet in person. So. That kind of question will seem innocent 43 . or you're going to look like some kind of weirdo. you can swoop in for the kill and try to meet her in person. But before you get to that point. E-mail Buddies Once you get to the point where you're ready to talk to each other outside of the dating service or chat room. that information might be useful later. it's fine to answer. Do this as casually as possible. listen closely and get ready to put your new bastardizing skills to the test. it will be necessary for you to talk about her at some point. the most logical way for you to chat is through emails. Similarly. Sure. if she writes to tell you about her favorite local bars and you respond with a story about how you recently got a huge raise.Even if it is your first time using an online dating service. You have to get across your bastard appeal in writing and make her want to know more about you. it's critical that you don't fuck things up. or you're bound to look like online dating routine guy. If you want her to see your bastardly ways. it's best to leave that out of your profile. If you get to this stage." When it comes to your level of experience with online dating services. she's going to raise her eyebrows and think you're crazy. Just don't offer that information without a good reason for it. never mention that on your profile. you have to get through the email stage. but it's just going to make you look like you're off your rocker if you bring it up at an inopportune time. There are far too many men who say "I normally don't do this sort of thing" or "I've never done this before but I figured I would give it a try. For instance. Bring Her Up Even though your main focus should be on you. If she asks you when you're one on one. bastards have to be more than a little self-confident.

and other various forms of pop culture.and it will make it look like you're just curious enough to want to learn all about her. I'm not telling you to figure out what would make her the happiest because that would defeat the whole purpose of your bastard training. Now is the time for you to utilize all of the useless bullshit you learned about her from the chat room. online dating service. You might not give a damn about any of these things now. And the best part is. you made her an offer she couldn't refuse and now she wants to meet you. dazzle her with your knowledge of how Joe Perry was invited to join the band because he could cook a mean batch of french fries. she will more than likely agree to meet you. but they will help you out later if you want to invite her over to check out your collection of whatever. either Meeting Time So. If you say it like a demand instead of asking her consent. you have a heads up on what this girl likes and dislikes. move things along. don't offer any more details. Once you throw out your hook. I'm telling you to use your previous spy work to speed things up. she probably won't want to wait very long. 44 . Fabulous.She Can't Hang Up on You! If you want to speed things up and move into the meeting phase of your plan. If she tells you that she loves lasagna. If you're looking for a woman you could actually be with in the future. Just be blunt and tell her you want to meet her. tell her that you know a restaurant that makes what is possibly the world's best lasagna and maybe you'll show it to her some time. use what you know to make her want to see more of you. Whether that place is in her heart or in her pants doesn't matter to me. If she tells you that her favorite band is Aerosmith. I just want to see you get to the place you most desire. Since you met this girl online. movies. Say you want to meet her and make her feel like there is no other alternative. Don't ask her if she wants to meet you. or stupid email conversations. Make her wonder where the story is going and then make your exit. Think about what you know and use it to your advantage. Be Bold . try asking her questions about her favorite music. Unlike the chicks that you meet out in the real world. She'll be so shocked that you didn't offer her more details that she'll want to see you again as soon as possible. you're going to have to step things up. You're done with the hardest part now. you have the extreme upper hand. She doesn't need to know your ulterior motives! Similarly. and get you to where you ultimately want to be.

she wasn't going to be the one-night stand you were looking for.If you're looking for a woman who you want to fuck. Don't ask if she might. be blunt and tell her that she's welcome to join you. And if not. 45 . possibly want to go back to your place. maybe. you'll have to play your cards a little differently. Chances are that she'll be so shocked by your bluntness that she will join you. Tell her that you have to get home and you'd like her to come along. anyway. If you plan to end the date by making an abrupt exit.

and how to know whether you want to even bother keeping her around or if you would rather just be done with her before things get complicated. she'll have to wait it out and make herself worthy. For bastards. 46 . you reeled her in. don't forget to be a bastard. If you play your cards right in the beginning. You've gotten through the hardest part! Now you need to know what to do with her now that she's ready for more. For nice guys. You can do this by giving her subtle promises of what will be in her future if she sticks around from now. You're interested in her. and make it seem like she would be plain stupid if she didn't stick around. how to move things along. This is also the stage that determines whether or not you'll get to move into the stages that follow. make it seem like sex with you is just about the best thing any woman could hope for. Don't spoil her from now because she'll expect to get whatever she wants from you. boys. Keep things cheap and simple. the beginning stage is usually where things end.. Congratulations. If you want to keep her begging for more. In the beginning. When it comes to the real world of dating. you're going to need all the luck you can get! In the Beginning. she's interested in you. you should be able to hold on to her for as long as you possibly want.. things are wonderful. and exciting as hell. Your main goal at this point is to keep her interested and reel her in for more. There's just one problem. you're going to have to throw yourself all in and hold back at the same time. This is when things are fun. Make it clear that if she wants to get a piece of the Bastard Pie. the beginning stage is just a taste of what is to come in the future. You'll learn how to get through the beginning dating period. and she bought the bait. When you take her out in the beginning. Get your horseshoes and four leaf clovers ready. don't dish out a lot of cash. you met her. And most importantly.Section 7 She Bought the Bait! So. Show off all of the things that I told you to show off before. passionate. but you don't know shit about each other. This section will teach you what to do with her based on how long you plan to keep her around.

you should do whatever you can to tease her into wanting more.In the beginning. That's the only sure fire way to get whatever it is that you want out of her in the future. Dating Hot Spots For the Cheap Date Bars Beach Picnic Diner Ice Cream Parlor Bowling Arcade Happy Hour Park Barbeque Matinee Movie Zoo Roller Blading Beach Volleyball Coffeehouse Free Concert Fast Food Your Place Ice Skating Volunteer Together Play Board Games Slightly More Expensive Dates Average Restaurant Karaoke Bar Bar & Grill Carnival Drive-in Movies Aquarium Laser Tag Themed Bar Cheap Sporting Event Amusement Park Bingo Comedy Club Concert Sleigh Ride Themed Club Movies Museum Road Trip Community Theatre Miniature Golf Hay Ride Dates for the Worthy Woman Theatre Day Cruise Psychic Bungee Jumping Upscale Restaurant Casino Dinner Theatre Hot Air Balloon Ride Expensive Concert Film Festival Horseback Riding Sailing 47 .

Give a Bit of Leeway If she's made it this far and she's passed all of your tests. Heh. If you want to keep the relationship going. Tip # 2 . Act even cockier than you were before and remind her that she likes you just like that. I crack myself up. If she'll stick around through your extreme bastard stage.Keep Your Wallet Where You Can See It If she's stuck around for the second stage. what can you expect? You're being a fucking bastard. You should still act like a bastard but avoid ever acting like an asshole. Congratulations.Dinner Cruise Limo Ride Art Gallery Snorkeling Wine Tasting Jazz Club Moving Right Along. In this stage. but you should be willing to be less cheap than you were in the beginning. Now you're really done with the hardest part and it's safe to say that your bastard training has paid off so far. 48 . If not. It's okay for you to mix and match spots from sections one and two. If you've been seeing her for a while now. You made it through the first stage and you managed to keep your balls intact. Act like you just can't get enough of her body and steam things up in the bedroom. start to wean off the dating hot spots in the beginning part of the chart and slowly introduce her to some of the better places. Just make sure you don't wait a week before you call her back like you did in the beginning. you should be mostly faithful to whatever schedule you two have worked out. Tip # 3 . here are some tips for you to follow. now would be a good time to put her to the test.Kick It up a Notch Since she's stuck around this long. If you're unsure of what her actual intentions are. chances are that you have her right where you want her. but try not to head into the expensive waters of section three yet. You still shouldn't sacrifice your mortgage payment for her. it's time for you to open up to her a little more. it's okay for you to call at 8:30 instead.. If you tell her you'll call her around 8:00. Tip # 1 . it's okay for you to make your wallet a little more accessible. you know she's worth your time.. Do all of the bastardly things you were doing before but be a bit more extreme.

you would have won the gold. so there's no need for you to sell your dick to the devil after all you've already been through. have you? Well. you may find yourself wondering what the fuck happened. Figure Out What YOU Want Now that you're in a serious relationship. women are still direct descendants of the devil. Where the hell were you when this change happened? While this feeling of sudden confusion is totally normal. dominated that dominatrix. Don't Sell Your Dick to the Devil If you've been with her for this long. She'll be so shocked to see her bastard boyfriend taking an interest in the world that she won't even have time to think of you as a nice guy. Bam! You're There! So. Just make sure that you acknowledge your own feelings and remind yourself that your emotions matter. and acted like the best bastard you can be. it does mean that you're 49 . Remember: Now matter how much you love her. If they gave out medals for dating conquests. it looks like you've done a wonderful job with your bastard training. That's wonderful and I'm very happy for you. Now that you've traveled into the realm of serious relationships. You've made it this far. A short time ago you were taking her to McDonald's and now she's hoping that you'll pop the question at that fancy Italian restaurant you took her to on her birthday. but you'll have to be very careful now. Now you just need to know a few more tips that are sure to keep things flowing smoothly for you. there's no reason to revert back to the nice guy who let himself get walked all over. She'll just think that she brings out the good in you and she'll fall for you even harder. you should also try to incorporate a touch of your nice guy charms back into your life. Since your emotions are on the line.At this stage. Buy her flowers or invite her to join you for a volunteer escapade. that's just fabulous for you! That means that you've tamed the shrew. chances are that you have some pretty intense feelings for her by now. Even though you're in a relationship. it will be hard for you to do anything that might potentially hurt her. you've made it to the third stage.

you need to think about what you really want in your life. Now it's okay for you to show her all of the nice guy traits that you hid for so long. you're probably ready to heave. You still want to put your own emotions first because that was the point of this whole quest for bastardization. Sometimes a man just needs to fuck. Don't just start being nice one day or she'll realize that the beginning of your relationship was a lie. but you are interested in having at least 7 onenight stands every week. While I wouldn't take it as far as vomit. If you're not interested in dating.going to have to sit down and think pretty hard. At this stage. Once you can answer that question. Just let all of the good qualities from both sides of your personality come out. One Night Stands If you're not looking for a relationship and you've read up until this point. you should gradually introduce these features so it seems like a change you went through over the course of your relationship. Don't let her walk all over you and don't let that shy guy come back out to play. there are a few things you should know before you throw yourself on the market. but avoid doing all of the things that made it suck to be a nice guy. Now you can be the Boy Scout that you have always been at heart. Keep the Kindness Coming At this point in your relationship. You can choose to skip the rest of this section and just throw yourself out there. and the rest will all happen naturally. that would be like salting your body and 50 . You should still put your foot down when you believe in something and remember that your opinions do count. you'll know where to take it from there. The best thing you can do is sit down and figure out what you really want. However. I understand that sentiment and I can't say I blame you. but if you don't have the proper skills. Are you willing and ready to be tied down to one woman for an infinite amount of time? Or would you rather get back out there and play the field before you settle down? When it comes to these questions. If you do things properly. you should be displaying equal amounts nice guy qualities and bastard characteristics. there's not much I can do to help you. you've got to treat her like she's of the human species if you want to be in a serious relationship with her.

you'll have to go equipped with some tools that will be vital to your mission. nobody wants to get attacked by a pack of angry wolves . Even if you don't plan on seeing her ever again. she's going to tell everybody she encounters. If you think you might want a relationship. Be Prepared If you plan on going on the Quest for the Holy Pussy. anyway.throwing it to the wolves. it can be easy for you to forget that you're dealing with a person. you should really stop to think about what you're doing. What you might not realize is that women talk. Are You Sure You're Done with Her? Before you discard your latest fling into the one-night stand rejection pile. And the last thing you need is to be at some bar picking up a beautiful woman when a brigade of wronged women assaults you. but they sure will know you. then it might be worth it to stick around and see where things go. If you plan to bring a woman back to your place.especially when nudity is involved. it will be too late to pick her out again. You'll need to be prepared for if you go back to her place or if the two of you decide to shack up in a cheesy motel. Make sure that your kitchen isn't filled with moldy dishes and that your underwear isn't thrown all around the floor. but Don't Get a Bad Rep When you try to pick up chicks like a bastard. The choice is yours. Be a Bastard. If she gets to your place and realizes that you're a dirty slob. Do you have a particularly good reason to never see her again? For instance. Just don't forget that once she's in the discard pile. there's a good chance that she will get the fuck out of there faster than you could tell her that you only wanted to fuck her once. it probably is best for you to get out now before either of you become emotionally attached to each other. A lot. be sure to pussy proof your pad before she arrives. If you really don't want a relationship. And take it from me. 51 . you should really consider what you're wasting. you're still responsible for at least some of the financial obligation that sex with strangers brings. You won't know who these people are. Make sure that you head out with plenty of cash and condoms. did she snort when she had an orgasm? Did she smell like your dog smelled when you left him out in the rain? Or was she just such a vile bitch that you can't stand the idea of ever seeing her again? If you can't answer 'yes' to any of these questions. or to questions that are equally important. If you treat her like she's a filthy whore.

…bitch. …will want you to leave after you finish fucking them. Flings will… …tell you to not to call them until you're ready to fuck. …pretend you don't have a family because they don't give a fuck about you. more.Sure. romance. …not see your mess because they don't know where you live. …clean up your mess and bitch about it forever. But are you confident that the woman you're chatting up will want anything to do with you now that she knows you're a slime ball? Think about it and get back to me on that one. I'm confident that you could survive the assault without a problem. nag. …tell you to fuck yourself when you call them to begin with. …walk your dog when you're too tired to move. …expect you to call them whenever …expect you to call them when you go out. …tell you to fuck off when you give take your anger out on them. …tell you to eat before you meet up with them. …take care of you when you get sick. and other signs of your affection. …kick your dog when you're not looking. …expect you to call them when you get hard again. …expect presents. Girlfriends versus Flings Girlfriends will… …rub your shoulders after a long day at work. …want to fuck on any occasion. …cook you a hot meal whenever you're hungry. …get mad if you forget to put the toilet seat down. …spend time with your family without complaining. you're hard. …ask you to use the public restroom. …want to make love on special occasions. …expect you to call them as soon as you get home. …expect orgasms. …tell you to fuck yourself because you could be contagious. …want to cuddle after you have sex. and can't guarantee they'll remain STD free 52 . and suck the life out of …fuck and fuck and fuck some you whenever they can.

Now that you know nearly everything there is to know about being a bastard. You may be asking yourself how one manages to look like a bastard. or even worse. improve your game. after all. you'll need to know how to get a woman's attention before you can show off all of your other bastard qualities." or anything along those lines. Basically. All you have to do is follow a few simple tips that will make you look as irresistible on the outside as you are on the inside. Contrary to popular belief. women like men who look like they belong to the modern-day human species. Out of the approximate three billion men in the world.Section 8 Tips to Keep in Mind. Look the Part Now that you know how to think and act like a bastard. This section will teach you how to be the ultimate bastard by teaching you the tricks that will keep her hooked. you will need to attract her before you get the chance to show off your wallet or avoid calling her for a few days. After all. Just step away from the rack and remember that real bastards don't need to advertise. You'll learn how to look the part. a mix of the two. you'll have to learn how to transform yourself into the stud that's just dying to come out.. Now's your chance to stand out from the crowd and be the stud that any woman will swoon for. In other words.. a caveman. don't buy it. get ready to ditch anything that might make you look like a wild ape." "asshole. you have to learn how to keep up the charade. Quick Grooming Tips The first thing you'll need to learn is how to properly groom yourself." "player. and be a humane bastard in the process. You don't have to be an Adonis to unleash the inner stud. these are tips that all men should know but barely any do. there may be one thousand who fit into the 'facial hair' is good 53 . you need to learn how to look the part. So. Facial Hair There are two kinds of men in this world: those who can get away with facial hair and those who should never even try. too. Your new bastard aura should say it all!) If you want your look to make a statement. it's not like there's a universal bastard uniform! (Note: If you see a shirt that says "bastard.

Then there are those other men. If your beard grows so long that you nearly pull your arm muscles while you brush it. the majority of the male population. that would just make them self-conscious about any hair that they might have on their bodies. Facial hair can show off your prominent chin. facial hair is a blessing that does wonders for their personal appearances. Otherwise. Ironically. Now that most women have sobered up. So. i. distract from the lack of hair on top of your head. For these men. Unless you are one of those men.e. Women want men to have body hair in moderation. the 1960s was also the time when nearly every woman did a lot of drugs. while others give off the illusion of carrying a dead animal carcass beneath their chins. The men who fall into this category try to grow out their facial hair and frequently have disastrous outcomes. be consistent and shave the rest of your facial hair often. For some men. you're doomed to lead the 'facial hair is bad' party. While it is okay for some areas to have more hair than others. if you think you might fall into the second category. and give the illusion of jutting cheekbones. chop some off. body hair does not have the same appeal that it used to have. please do the world a favor and make friends with a razor. take another look in the mirror and be sure before you make a facial hair commitment. Try and keep it as neat and smooth as possible so she doesn't get hair burn when she kisses you. Now. Finally. Now let's put two and two together and try to make a connection. body hair was a real turn-on for nearly every woman. women do not like to make out with anything that reminds them of road kill. Just to be clear. Hairs that Make Her Say 'Eww' In the 1960s. if you want to design your facial hair into a nifty shape. it is not pleasant to encounter too much body hair in any location. Here is a quick rundown of some body hair hot spots: 54 . just be sure to take good care of it. Modern women simply don't want to date gorillas . Are we on the same page now? Good. Some of these men simply look strange. If you think you fall into the first. facial hair is a fabulous way to emphasize their great features.category. don't get me wrong. Most women don't want men to be completely hairless. it's probably best that you find a different way to make a statement.no matter how big their bananas may be. That's why so many spas offer men's packages and so many hair removal companies focus on men. If you absolutely require facial hair.

but there is a good chance that it will leave you with a nasty case of razor burn that could make you look worse than the hair did to begin with. do whatever feels right. the sex appeal that 55 . Never under any circumstance should you shave or wax your pits.When it comes to pubic hair. Your sex kitten will also appreciate those trimmings when she doesn't choke on a hairball while she goes down on you. Pearly Whites The only thing worse than furry backs is furry teeth. Take it from me. Unless you're a rich Italian man who still lives in the motherland. If your back hair is out of control. feel free to shave it.For some reason. it's best to keep what you were born with. they would be lesbians. but that will take a significant amount of time out of your day-plus. you should be very careful with chest hair.Men have armpit hair and there's nothing we can do about that. "eyebrows" is a plural word. Waxing only takes a couple of seconds and the results will last for almost a month. it is a good idea to trim your pubes down so that your penis doesn't get lost in them. If your armpit hair gets so long that it threatens to dip into your dinner when you lift your fork. If you want to find a woman. you risk the chance of screwing up your eyebrows beyond repair. So therefore. Shaving will help your problem too. but bare in mind that the less pubic hair by the base. If you play in porn. If you don't. the larger your penis will appear. your best bet is to get rid of all of it. Chest hair . If you suffer from a unibrow or eyebrows that blend in with your sideburns. Your best bet is to get them waxed by somebody who knows what they are doing. just think of how manly you'll feel when your smooth back gets you laid. Armpit hair . Da Pubes . While a bit of back hair is fine. take good care of your eyebrows and they will take good care of you. Eyebrows . catch her interest. Much like back hair. men think that back hair makes them look sexy and manly. In any case. Either have somebody help you use a cream hair remover or invest in a back wax at a salon.Back Hair . it's just a fact of life. blowjobs require enough effort without the added hazard of death by hair. If you think that will make you less manly. Trust me on this.Chest hair just isn't what it used to be. you should strongly consider trimming or waxing that hair. most women do not want to braid the hair on your shoulders while they have sex with you. Just don't fuck with your armpit hair. If your nipples appear to be missing in the midst of your chest hair jungle. You can try your luck at tweezing. and make her your sex poodle. you really should consider some facial hair removal.In case you didn't notice. That's because there's supposed to be two of them. If women wanted to date other hairless creatures. trim it down with a pair of regular scissors. you'll have to do so without tempting her with the fur in your mouth.

If your clothes fit you properly. presentation is everything.made Austin Power's sexy in his day will not help you today. If you do this. that's something to smile about! Fashion for Dummies Now that you look awesome. (What can I say? I'm your own personal sex life advocate!) Clothing Made Simple Did you ever notice how much time people spend wrapping Christmas and birthday presents? They use bows. Compare these measurements to your favorite store's size chart the next time you go shopping. invest in some whitening strips. and there's nothing wrong with that. Clothes that don't fit will do the exact opposite. waist. I'm here to teach you exactly what you need to know. it's usually preceded by an "I'm sorry. glitzy paper. when it comes to dental hygiene. 56 . Be sure to brush and floss at least once a day. she's more than likely to devote more than a little time on you. All in all. A lot. If you can show her that you put at least a little bit of effort into your ensemble. All you need is a few simple tips that will make it look like you know more about fashion than you really do. so you shouldn't wrap yourself in anything as shitty as a bag. These simple tips will keep your teeth looking fresh. hips. The best advice I can give you on clothing is that size matters. You don't have to be a fashion pro to look good. Now it's time for you to realize that you're the gift that she's been waiting for. your actual fashion sense won't make much of a difference. Thankfully. On the off-chance that somebody does present a gift in a brown paper bag. clean. If you want to wear clothes that fit you right. you need to be sure that your clothes match. ribbons. These barely take any time out of your day and they will make a significant difference for your smile. I realize that not every guy has a knack for fashion. Properly fitting clothing will highlight your assets and cover your downfalls. Stores sell clothes by size for a very good reason: your clothes are meant to fit you. the more the better! If your teeth have lingering evidence of your addiction to coffee or cigarettes. you will look a million times better than if your clothes are too small or too large. You wouldn't dress yourself in a brown paper bag. you're bound to look your best. and decorative bags." When it comes to gifts. and neck. and healthy. you'll just need to take five minutes out of your day to measure yourself and look at a size chart. Use a measuring tape to measure the widest parts of your chest.

All of these advantages go right down the drain when you try to mix them with a pair of socks. When it comes to clothing with patterns. but it's not so funny when that diagram is clearly broadcasted across your chest. they want you to just pull your pants up. For crissake. Remember. There is no reason to combine different patterns on any occasion. If you have a humorous statement to make. the only thing you will accomplish is to make yourself look like a clown. it's funny to see a diagram of various drunken or sexual positions on the wall. For the love of God. do the world a favor and wear a closed shoe with them.Don't Lose Your Pants Now that you know not to wear oversized clothes. anyway? If you can manage to choose either socks or sandals. it may have stripes. your feet .Don't Mix Patterns Every now and then. less really is more. On the contrary. Clothing Rule # 3 .Big Fashion No-No's Proper fit will get you pretty far. If you want to take the effort to put on socks.Tuck in Your Testicles 57 .will thank you. baggy pants.and the rest of the world . but there are still some cardinal rules of clothing that you should never break. what's the point of putting socks on with them. you'll be amazed to see how handsome you'll look. Clothing Rule # 4 . When women see men's boxers hanging out of the back of their pants. they're easy. Clothing Rule # 2 . pull your pants up and let her use her imagination. we encounter a wild pattern that we cannot help but love.Socks OR Sandals: Make Your Choice The beauty of sandals is that they're fast. It may have plaid. If you try to mix different patterns together. Clothing Rule # 5 . they don't want to see what's beneath the boxers. do it with a bumper sticker. and they can be quite fashionable. No matter what the pattern. Sure. you probably noticed the plethora of witty shirts with clever sayings or pictures on them.Keep the Funny Out of Your Closet If you've taken a walk through the mall over the past decade or so. and it may even have dots. If you can follow these simple rules and choose clothes that actually fit. Clothing Rule # 1 . I don't care how well the colors match or how great the outfit makes you look. it should always be surrounded by a bit of normalcy. anything that you put on your body is more of an advertisement of who you are than it is for the person who designed it. I hope you'll understand the horror of saggy.

which will make it even easier for her to fall for your bastard trap later. bastards should be arrogant and more than a little cocky. body hair trimming. Just don't go overboard or you won't have anything to talk about if you decide to see her again. This segment will teach you exactly what you need to do if you want to make a good date and an amazing lover. shaving. with skin care. If you want to show her that you're a bastard. but you should take the time to ask her some questions about herself. you're going to have to flash her some of your charm. Ask Questions If you want her to come back for seconds. Anything beyond that is a felony . The last thing you need is to show her how badly she wants you and then fizzle out when things get steamy. Suggestions Anyone? 58 .at least in the fashion world. but make it look like it didn't take any effort at all. you're going to have to get over the shy thing and show her a bit of charisma. That will make her feel like you're really into her. diet.I feel like I shouldn't even have to mention this. but too many representatives of your gender make this mistake. Don't Be Shy Like I've said before. you're going to have to include her in your conversation. Never wear shorts that are shorter than her daisy dukes. but that's no reason for you to expose your business to the world. Follow these general tips to get a good idea of how to make the most out of any dating situation. you need to learn how to become the master of dating situations. A proper pair of men's shorts should not go more than four inches above the knee. General Dating Tips Just because you're trying to be a bastard doesn't give you an excuse to be the world's worst date. I understand that summertime can be hot and it can really take its toll on your body. Location. Think of an interesting place that will pique her curiosity. Location Before you take her anywhere. If you want to keep her around. Location. You certainly don't want to focus the whole date on her. Be Good at What You Do Now that you know how to make the most out of your appearance. you're going to need a game plan. For more information see Grooming Secrets For Men. exercise and lots of tips for men to help them look their best.

all it will do in this stage is ensure that you'll never see the foreplay. either. invite her over to see your CD collection. you'll need to have a good idea of what you're doing. you'll have to hope that the kiss is mighty impressive. While a lot of spit will help you in the foreplay department. However. her cheeks. Pretend that you're a man instead of a vacuum cleaner. Invite her back to your place so she can "see" something that might be of interest to her. because women don't like to have their tongues brutally sucked out of their mouths. When it comes to kissing. Take this time to shower a couple of kisses on other areas around her mouth. You don't have to come right out and say. Needless to say. "Hey. her eyelids. that also 59 . wanna fuck?" But you should flash some indirect signals that indicate that sex has crossed your mind. Try to avoid doing anything that will hurt her. Your tongue doesn't have to be involved in everything you do! Once she's warmed up to your lips and she seems about ready to melt into a puddle right in front of you. Kiss her neck. Be Slick If it seems like she's ready to let you rock her socks off. This is most likely not your first sexual experience. there is a big difference between knowing how to have sex and knowing how to have great sex. A little exploration will remind the rest of her body of how badly it wants to join in on the fun. The final thing you should avoid is drooling all over her. or simply gross her out. you'll need to make your intentions known. to sex itself. Spend a bit of time just concentrating on her lips. from kissing to muff diving. let your tongue make its entrance. her ear. Kissing It all begins with a kiss. Never shove your tongue back as far as it will go because women don't want to deep throat every part of you. This section will teach you some of the most important things you'll need to know. And if you want things to move past the beginning. This is the perfect way for you to get your point across without making an ass of yourself. choke her. make sure to remove your tongue and go back to lip play so you can both breathe and swallow any saliva that threatens to turn into drool. Gently ease your tongue into her mouth and explore. Every now and then. so you already have a rough idea of what goes where. How to Be a Better Lover Before you can hope to rock her socks off. let this be your new mantra: Gentle will make her mental. If she tells you that she's a hardcore rock & roll fan. This is another great reason for you to ask questions during your date.If you want to get her back to your bedroom. don't be afraid to extend the invitation. or her forehead.

you can do just about anything you want . When it comes to pussy. but that's not the best idea if you plan on seeing her again. Foreplay As far as women are concerned. It's all about the foreplay. He could be a complete dick face in all other aspects of life and it won't matter. you're going to reach for her tits like a starving infant. First impressions are everything! Cup her boob in your hand and move your fingers in soft circles.. but it's nothing compared to foreplay. you're on the right track. Let your tongue get in on the action and swirl it around her nipple. Unless she specifically requests a set of nipple clamps.) Spirit Fingers Other than oral sex. try to be polite. You can involve your teeth as long as you bite fairly gently. If a woman finds a man who's great at foreplay. Boobies. When you introduce your hands to her breasts. I understand that you're eager and I really can't complain about that.means you won't get any sex. First of 60 . slow down and back off. If she arches her back away from you. sex is great. foreplay is the perfect time to wake up her clit and announce that you're going to be visiting for a while. try having somebody squeeze. there are a few things you should know. bite. If you don't understand my logic on this part.so long as you're not a brute about it. Sure. a bit of crafty handwork is the most likely way for you to get her off. or pinch your nipples with incredible force. (Note: I've never encountered a woman who stretches before sex. Chances are that if you're not in a hurry. Once you get to her nipples. Since most women can't have an orgasm based on vaginal stimulation alone. That doesn't feel so good. After all. A woman can have a great fuck and walk away without a second thought. so use your brain on this one. does it? What will feel good is any attention that isn't overly painful. Boobies Everywhere. there is no reason for you to be rough with her tits. there is nothing better than foreplay. nearly every woman likes a good fondling every now and then! Just be sure that you don't overdo it and act like you've never seen a set of boobs before. she'll stay with him no matter what. If she pushes your head or your hand closer to her boobs.. Play it cool and she won't even realize how happy you are to say "hello" to her little friends. You're either being too rough or she suddenly realized that she forgot to do her pre-sex stretches. Focus on her nipples only after you've sufficiently explored the rest of her tits. You may want to jump right into the good stuff.

Secondly. If she pulls away. Start off by gently probing the rest of her nooks and crannies before you move in for the kill. We don't have time to go over this subject in detail. And for any guy who's ever had a problem finding a clit. and how to get there. she wants you to eat it. If she pushes into you. it's time to make your move. oral sex is just about the best thing you can do for any woman. follow her cues and know when to stop. virginal. So. you'll need to treat her pussy like it's the last pussy on Earth and you will have four billion angry men on your back if you damage it. These things can't be learned in a night." The only thing worse than a pissed off clit is a pissed off woman attached to that clit. she's really saying "Back off. where you're going. you could very likely scare it away. you need to know what you're doing. the clit is more sensitive than any other part of the male or female body. uptight. The best and most important thing you can do is to avoid doing things all wrong. Keep an eye out for her body language. This could make the difference between an amazing night of sex and an amazing night with your dirty cum sock. Once you feel her swollen clit come out to see who's at the door. but I'd like to fill you in on a few pointers. she's into what you're doing. If she has a pussy. When your fingers decide to do a bit of exploring. If you spring up on it to fast. 61 . or evacuate that immediate area. What she doesn't want is for you to look at her pussy like it's a creature from another planet while you blindly flop your tongue around inside of it. or an outright dominatrix. Muff diving is an art and it must be treated as such. If direct clitoral stimulation is too much for your lady of the night. Try rubbing some gentle circles over and around it. the vaginal canal is not all that sensitive compared to the rest of it. switch tempo. that is the last thing you ever want to do. asshole.all. things should be clicking into place right about now. Oral Makes the World Go Round As you may have guessed by now. don't jump right to the vaginal canal or to the clit. focus more on the surrounding areas. If you want to make her your willing sex slave. The choice is yours. but they can be learned with a good guide and a lot of practice. If you want to be a successful master of all things pussy. Her clit will need a bit of time to adjust to the idea of your invasion. If you put two and two together. It doesn't matter if this woman is shy. It's as simple as that.

While I can understand 62 . More memorable would be for you to just tease her with it at her opening . too. Rotate your pelvis in circles while you go at it so your penis can hit as many areas of her pussy as possible. you might not want to take all of the extra time and effort. that is where you should go!) Let's Talk About Sex So. you have to be gentle. try treating her as if she might want to get something out of the sex. Her pussy is hosting an invitation-only party. deliver your load. Very. Basically. soft thrusts. and she'll be yours for the taking. If you really want to be a stud. Now the only thing that's stopping you from having the time of your life is you. If they try to crash the party. if you're only looking for a one-night stand. You've been ready to have sex with her since you saw her and she finally agrees with your opinion. Funny how the world works. this is not a good technique for you to follow. and get the hell out of there. Don't act as if your mouth is an alien Brillo pad that was sent down to Earth to rid the world of pussy scum. Since you most likely want her to remember you as the man who made her a nymphomaniac. hard thrusts with fast. Swoop in for a little more oral.lingering there while just barely sneaking in and out a fraction of an inch. if you're looking for an advanced handbook. and your teeth did not make it onto the guest list. your entire body will get kicked out. isn't it? Many men find the best sexual technique (for them) to be the one where they slam into her over and over while she pounds her head off the headboard. I highly recommend that you read Cunnilingus Academy: 101 Lessons in the Art of Cunnilingus. It even delves into the secrets of the g-spot and teaches you how to find the damn thing to begin with.Are you with me so far? Good. we're finally down to the nitty gritty of it. Be gentle and take your time. Just keep in mind that oral sex is not the time to incorporate a 'the more the merrier' philosophy into your foreplay. Let your tongue explore and let your fingers join in on the fun. Instead. take a break to collect yourself and prolong your own orgasm. This comprehensive e-book will teach you advanced techniques in hand and oral play. When you go down on a woman. (Note: If you are interested in knowing just about everything there is to know about eating pussy. You might just want to present her with your package. Ironically. very gentle. Alternate slow. these men are the same men that make women wish they were still virgins. Of course.

From anyone. you should stop to think about the location. Once you bring her home with you. be good and you'll be able to cum your way through the entire female circle. So.where you're coming from. even bastards need good manners. feel free to do as you see fit . I'm simply saying that you need to be a little nice and display a bit of human decency. If you go to her place. Think of sex etiquette as your way of paying it forward. If she has a pleasant one night stand with you. Shania" while you fuck. Your Place or Hers? If you know you're going to get some. She could even kick your ass out on the street and refuse to return your clothes if you don't play your part well. In other words. If you leave her with a sour taste in her mouth (and not from your semen. but I can tell you that their gossip can ensure that an unpleasant penis encounter is all it takes to ensure that you don't get any again. She could handcuff you to the bed and force you to stay the night. Your courtesy might not help you out in your own life. Remember . If you feel comfortable enough to stage a one-man invasion on her pussy. Sex Etiquette If you want to keep yourself off of every local woman's shit list. the act of pleasant one-night stands will eventually come full circle. Just keep in mind that she could. When it comes to sex. she'll know where you live. She could have a secret room where she likes to shove things in her prey's asses. 63 . I'm not at liberty to say exactly what they talk about.women talk. you could wind up opening an even bigger can of worms. she's much more likely to either give you more pleasant experiences or engage in future pleasant experiences with other men. she probably won't do any of these things. But hey. If you bring her back to your place. if every bastard out there could do his part to pay it forward and pave the road for other bastards. you should feel comfortable enough to treat her like a human.just don't complain to me if your dick makes it on the America's Most Unwanted list. The good news is. but it would help out other men in the future.) she is less likely to have any one-night stands in the future. you could potentially throw yourself into an uncomfortable situation. Ever. I can't say I would recommend this. you'll have to display a bit of sex etiquette. I'm not saying that you have to pull out her chair before she cums or address her as "Ms.

Leave her to fend for herself and I can almost assure you that a brigade of angry women will be on your doorstep in no time and unlike the woman who started the whole thing. If something went terribly wrong. if you're going to bring it on home. You can drive her or call her a cab. she could even be waiting to kick you in the balls for being a bastard. these women will not have your pleasure on their minds. Or. fling. just make sure you think things out beforehand. you're the man and it's your responsibility to get her home safely. or whatever you'd like to call it. The point is that once you let her invade your personal space. Politically correct or not. While most women have the self-restraint not to do these kinds of things. You could find her sitting on your stoop when you come waltzing in with another woman. some of us are just crazy enough to break the rules. you could find her standing outside with a pizza while she waits for you to get home from work. Even Bastards Pay Cab Fare The most important thing you can know about sex etiquette is that you're still the man in the relationship. but the point remains the same. Her transportation is your moral and financial obligation. she'll be free to drop by as she pleases.That means that she'll be free to show up at your place whenever she wants. So. 64 .

but they won't do you much good if you don't practice. You started this journey as a nice guy who couldn't get a girl. You learned exactly why it's not good to be labeled as a nice guy and you learned why bastards get all the girls. you'd better put this book down and get practicing! It's been a pleasure going through the phases of being a bastard with you. Through the course of reading this e-book. boys. you learned a hell of a lot. We've come a long way. All in all. men. and how to react when you want your bedroom to yourself again. now you just have to get out there and put your knowledge to good use. You learned how to phase the nice guy out of your life and how to let the bastard take the drivers seat. Now you know how to tuck away all of those qualities that repel women and how to replace them with strategies that nearly any woman will find irresistible. Yeah. where to find them. You learned how to pick up women. You know everything you need to know to succeed. I would say your mission was successful. if you want to be the perfect bastard. Now go get that pussy! ~ Shyanne Neiman The chick who really did rock your world 65 . And since you learned that whether you're acting like a nice guy or a bastard. Now all you have to do is get out there and practice everything you learned. You also learned how to make yourself the perfect date. As with all other things in life. So. you're still the same person.Section 9 Final Thoughts Well. The tips in this e-book will provide you with all of the knowledge you need to get women. you learned why you deserve that driver's seat. Now it's time for me to depart and let the magic begin. Now you know how to get a girl and you know exactly what to do with her once you have her. what to do when the date winds up in your bedroom. and what to do with them once they're in your clutches. you learned everything you need to know to go from nice guy to bastard. practice makes perfect. you and I.

All Rights Reserved Advice For Men 66 .Bastard Resources: Cunnilingus Academy: 101 Lessons in the Art of Cunnilingus MillionaireMatch Grooming Secrets For Men By Shyanne Neiman Copyright © 2006 Lifted Hearts Network.

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