The Hunger Games Parody Claudius Templesmith: Ladies and gentlemen, let the 74th Hunger Games BEGIN

! Announcing in black. Lights come on after announcement; while people are waiting on the platform, zoom in on individual contestants with name and district. Katniss: *intense face* Peeta: *nibbling on a little piece of bread* Thresh: *extreme angry/brooding face* Glimmer: *hair flip/ file nails* Foxface: *calm with fox mask on* Rue: *cute smile and wave* Cato: *pounding on chest and roaring ferociously* Clove: *twitchy/ crazy* Link: *playing Ocarina* Show Cornucopia with weapons. Show Katniss ogling bow and arrow. Zoom on it. She looks at Peeta. Who does a obnoxious, flailing,’ no’ gesture. Katniss does a skeptical look. Peeta: Remember what Haymitch said! *flashback* Haymitch: *swig* Now listen up ya young whipper snappers! I was in the Hunger Games once, and if I can win, then ya be your sweet pippies that you can too! Peeta: Well, can you give us some tips to help us you know… survive? Haymitch: *bottle switches* Don’t drink and drive. Peeta: No, to win the games! Haymitch: The orange pacman ghost is the only random one, the others have set patterns. Peeta: No, the Hunger Games! Haymitch: *bottle switches* Oh! Ooooh! Definitely do NOT go to the Cornucopia in the first five minutes; go get whiskey. Katniss: Whiskey?

Haymitch: *bottle switches* Water. Katniss: Wait which is it? Haymitch: *bottle switches* Whiskey. Katniss: Whiskey? Haymitch: Yes. Katniss and Peeta: *exchange confused look* HORN BLOWS Katniss misses chance for arrow. Damn Peeta. She goes for the orange backpack. Tug of war follows. Boy: This is so lame! *Katniss yanks it away and hits him with backpack, he falls back and dies. Obvious ketchup* Katniss scurries off, while the careers kill the chumps. Glimmer pops up on the screen with a loaf of bread. Glimmer: *smiles and laughs like a nit* Oh look, some bread! <3 Peeta: *whips his head in her direction with a look of RAGE and then lunges and tackles Glimmer for the bread; then holds up the bread victoriously. Katniss is in the forest. Katniss: Uh…so thirsty! *falls to the ground and crawls forward* I am already dehydrated! HAYMITCH! HAYMITCH! WHERE ARE MY SPONSERS!? IM DYING! HELP MEEEEE! Haymitch: *appears out of bush* There’s a stream right in front of you, you swine! Katniss: *looks up at water* Oh hey! *collect water in Barbie thermos taken from orange backpack* Katniss finds herself a nice tree. Looks up clutching sleeping bag, smiles at tree. Then sleeps at bottom of tree. Wakes up to seeing a fire. Idiot Girl: No one will ever find me here! I think I’m gonna win these Hunger Games! Do my District Proud! :3 *puts sticks in fire*

*dramatic Career running scene* *Idiot Girl is oblivious* *katniss in tree* *shows Idiot Girl’s face in terror, goes to black, Katniss gasps* Careers chill casually. Cato: Is that girl who started the fire dead? Peeta: I’ll go check *runs away* Glimmer: Why are we letting him hang out with us, anyways? He’s just this spare guy! He’s that guy around when we don’t need a guy around! He’s such a spare! Cato: We need Lover Boy to find Katniss. Clove: Oh my god Katniss, she’s so stupid, if I see her flouncing around in that dress I’m gonna stab her! *Katniss is RIGHT THERE* Cato: She’s just so- ya know what I mean? She’s just like- AUGH! Clove: And how did she get the eleven in her training scores?! *flashback* *Show Katniss attempting to lift weights, running, and stuff. She’s terrible. Spongebob music playing. Then the Game makers ask her what she can do, she rubs tummy and pats head. They all break into applause- “Beautiful, wonderful, how does she do that!? ELEVEN!” Peeta returns. Glimmer: Did you, like, kill her? Peeta: YEAH. *canon* *takes a ferocious bite of blood covered bread loaf* LETS GO! *careers scurry off* *Katniss sniffs the air and turns around, noticing the oncoming flames. She wriggles in the sleeping bag; it falls and she squirms on the ground. She finally gets off and runs and runs from the wall of fire descending on her. At one point, she catches on fire.* Katniss: THIS IS JUST LIKE THAT ONE TIME! *flash back* *Cinna: “I’ll make sure you’re remembered by everyone!” Katniss: How? *Cinna takes lighter and sets the edge of the bottom of the dress on fire*

*Interview: Announcer: TWIRL FOR ME, KATNISS! *Katniss twirls, Cinna runs up with a match and sets it on fire, runs off cackling* The wall of fire ends, Katniss crawls into a spring of water. She lets her wounds heal for a while whilst murmuring in pleasure. Then, she goes into a tree. The Careers strut over. Cato: Hey Katniss ;) Katniss: Hey guys! What’s up? *terrified smile* Cato: Nothing much…you hangin’ in there? (Careers giggle) Glimmer: You’re so punny, Cato! Cato: Shut up, I got this! Katniss: YEAH…YOU COULD SAY THAT *twitch* Wanna come up to my place? Cato: Yeah why not. Glimmer: Here, take these, Cato! *reveals bow and arrow* Katniss: *Y U NO face* Cato: I’ll do much better with my…sword. *whips out sword, Link runs over, making Link noises, steals Master Sword, that noise happens, Link holds sword over head and runs off, the theme song playing for no reason* *Moment of WTF* Cato: …We’ll I’ll do just as fine with my OTHER SWORD! *pulls out other sword* Cato: * attempts to climb tree, puts one hand on branch, AH this is too tiring! Glimmer: I’ll try! *tries to climb tree, is evident she can’t. She tries to shoot Katniss, bow and arrow falls out of her hands. Fail.* *Careers group up, realize they can’t get up tree.* “We can’t get up the tree!” “Shit bro!” Random Career: *Captain Kirk voice* We must get to the tree but we are stuck down here! Peeta: Oh, just leave her there! Let us break bread. *they proceed to have Communion* *Katniss spots Rue. Rue was there the whole time. Rue is in the next tree.* Katniss: Where did YOU come from?!

Rue: *shrugs and pouts* Katniss: …. Aight. *camera goes to sleeping Careers. Peeta is cuddling with a loaf of bread* Katniss: You know… we could probably sneak down there while they’re sleeping… *imagines her and Rue sneaking down, Katniss steps on a twig, careers wake up and viscously slaughter her* … alright that’s out. Rue: *points at nest* *There is a nest on a branch. Katniss realizes what it is, signals at Rue to leave (she flies away), smiles evilly, drops nest. Nest starts to break open. Hand breaks through. Tracker Jacker runs at Careers.* Careers: *in unison* TRACKER JACKERS! RUN! Clove: TO THE LAKE! *She, Peeta, Marvel, and Cato dart away* *Glimmer goes completely mad, twitches and falls to the ground, still clutching bow and arrow. Katniss jumps out of her tree, and tries to pry arrow from Glimmer. It’s stuck. Finally gets it. Is dizzy and confused, not knowing what to do. Peeta runs in.* Peeta: What are you still doing here? You mad, bro? Get up, GET UP! Run! RUN! Katniss: Oh, my god. Can you just chill? Like, dude, you need to chill out. When’s the last time I saw you? Where have you been? What are you doing? Can we just take a moment toPeeta: GET OUT OF HERE, YOU IDIOT! Cato: *runs back, sees Peeta helping Katniss. She stumbles and runs away.* Katniss: *in wonder* Peeta just saved my life. *fade out, end of scene* Katniss: *collapses to ground saying “Angst, angst”* Rue: *approaches, smiles and waves* Katniss: Oh hey Rue. Wanna be allies? Rue: *doe eyed look, nods happily* *They pinky swear. That’s serious* *Inspirational musical montage of Rue and Katniss, dancing and laughing and doing friend activities. Then, Rue gets stabbed with a spear. Marvel cackles. Katniss destroys him.*

Rue: *whimper* Sing for me, Katniss! Katniss: …What!? Rue: Sing for me! Katniss: Well I can’tRue: DO IT NOW! Katniss: *sings Rue’s Lullaby* Haymitch: Pssst! *gives flowers* Katniss: *covers Rue.* Goodbye, Rue. *does District 12 hand signal thing. Haymitch runs up, heaves bread at Katniss. It’s a roll with 11 on it.* Katniss: *looks to the sky* Hey all you hotties at District 11, wanted to say thanks for the bread, appreciate it. *kiss and wink* *Walks around sadly for awhile* Claudius : Yo biz-natches, it’s Claudius here! There’s been a rule change in the Games; under the new rule, both tributes from the same district will be declared winners if they’re the last two alive. Katniss: Both of us can live. *murmurs this* PEETA! *she chirps* *Claps her hand over her mouth, horrified.* *She starts to run through the woods, thinking to herself* Katniss: I wonder where he could be… *sees trail of bread, follows it, finds Peeta* Peeta: You here to finish me off, sweetheart? Katniss: Peeta, Peeta where are you? Peeta: Well don’t step on me. *camera pans down to camouflaged Peeta with Katniss’s boot on his chest* Katniss: Oh, Peeta! *steps off, crouches beside him* Peeta: Hey Katniss.

Katniss: I guess all those hours of decorating cakes paid off. Peeta: Thanks. *holds up can of frosting* Frosting: the final defense of the dying *winks* Katniss: …. So do you need help or what? Peeta: Yeaaaah, my legs hurt, there’s too much nature, I’m hungry, I want my Mom, I’ve been here for days, where’s all the bread, Katniss, where’s all the bread!? *etc.* Katniss: *twitches and knocks Peeta out. Screen goes black* *fades in from Peeta’s POV into the cave* Peeta: *groans* Ehhh where are we? Katniss: I found us this cave, pretty sweet huh? Peeta: Yeah… how’d you get me here? Katniss: You fainted, and then I cleaned up your wounds, dragged you to this conveniently located cave by way of the stream, and here we are. Peeta: Oh, that explains everything. Katniss: Yep. *the two sit in the cave awkwardly, twiddling their thumbs, whistling, etc* Katniss: Well, you’re still weak from your injuries, why don’t you go to sleep and I’ll take the first watch? Peeta: Thanks, Katniss! :D *goes to sleep* Haymitch: PSSSSSSSSST *Katniss looks around* Haymitch: PSSSST. KATNISS. KATNISS. Katniss: Is that a Mockingjay?! *Aflack* Haymitch: KATNISS. KISS HIM.

Katniss: What?! What?! No! Haymitch: Come on- you’re the star-crossed lovers of District 12! You know- Romeo and Juliet? Thibault and Mercutio? Ash and Misty? Dean and Seamus? Katniss: Oooh, right! Haymitch: I have SOUP. If you KISS HIM. Katniss: Fine, I’ll do it! *goes over to Peeta and kisses him awake* Peeta: *smiles* I’d be happy to lay here gazing at you forever. Haymitch: GOOD. *throws Ramen and it hits Katniss* Katniss: Peeta, look what Haymitch has sent us! *Katniss and Peeta devour the noodles* *next scene* Peeta: So… how do you think Gale’s holding up? *shows Gale in front of TV, munching on popcorn* Katniss: He’s probably looking after my family like he promised. Peeta: I wonder who’s left in these games. Katniss: I suppose they were all mysteriously killed off screen because the writers have no budget… Peeta: Naw, there’s Foxface, Cato, Clove, Thresh, and that strange boy in tights, who doesn’t speak in full sentences- only “Heeyah!” “Hike!” Katniss: Speaking of Thresh, where is that crazy son of a bitch? Peeta: Oh you know… a field…. Grass as high as your shoulders… nobody wants to track him down, it has a very sinister feeling to it… there could be anything in there. *cuts to Thresh. Plays with various games while getting frustrated* Katniss: Maybe there is a bread bush in that field! Peeta: Oh, Katniss, I’m feeling faint!

Katniss: Peeta, what’s wrong!? Peeta: I haven’t had bread in so long… Claudius: Yo, biznachoes! I bet y’all are feelin’ mighty hungry this late in the hunger games…well, as it turns out, it’s time for a feast. So come on down to the cornucopia and grab a sliccccee Peeta: *grabs onto her arm* Katniss- don’t do it! Don’t risk your life for me! Katniss: But Peeta- you need the bread! And besides- I’m a main character, nothings gonna happen to me! Peeta: I won’t let you go. Katniss: *internal thoughts* I need to get to the Cornucopia. But I can’t do it with Peeta awake. There must be some way that I can subdue him for a few hoursHaymitch: *walks over to Katniss, hands her Aunt Jemima syrup* Here ya go. *winks and leaves* Katniss: *goes back over to Peeta* Here, drink this! *pours syrup into his mouth* Peeta: *choking, passes out* Katniss: I’m sorry, Peeta- it’s for your own good. *nice table set up, all the tributes are calmly eating at the table. Fancy music playing. A beautiful loaf of bread sits in the middle.* Katniss: *hesitantly approaches, eyeing the bread.* Clove: *reaches for bread* Katniss: *slaps her hand away, grabs bread* This is for Peeta! Clove: *leaps out of chair* What are you doing, Katniss!? Katniss: Peeta needs this bread! I’m out! *starts to run away, Clove throws a knife at her. It grazes her cheek, Matrix style* Clove: Not my bread, you bitch! *tackles Katniss to ground* Forget it, District 12. We’re going to kill you, just like we did your pathetic little ally…what was her name? The one who hopped around in the trees? Rue?

Thresh: Aw hell no! *pounds fists on table before standing up and running over, pushes Clove off of Katniss* Thresh: What’d you do to that little girl? You kill her, mon? Clove: No! No! It wasn’t me! CATO! Cato: *looks up from his food* Thresh: Jamaican me crazy, Clove! You said her name- you kill her! Clove: CATO! HELP! *cut to Cato, Link, and Foxface* Cato: Can you pass the pumpkin pie? *Link says “HEEYAH!” and passes it* Thresh: *hurls pebble at Clove* Clove: *slow mo “Noooo!”. Pebble hits her skull, she is on the ground, close to death* Thresh: *roars and pumps fists on chest, turns to Katniss, rock in fist* You- Rue- ally- explain! Katniss: We teamed up! We had an inspirational montage through the forest! I tried to save her but- District 1. Thresh: You kill him? Katniss: Yes, I killed him. And I sang her a song. It was a beautiful song. I mean I messed up a little bit on the middle eight, I was a little flat on that F, but overall it was a great performance on my part if I say so myself, and I do! *pause, look more serious* Your district…they sent me bread. Do it fast, okay, Thresh? Thresh: *he is conflicted and angry and Jamaican* Jamaican me crazy, Katniss! I can’t kill you! Just this one time- I let you go. For the little girl. Me- you- even. No more owed. You understand? Cato: *stands up and runs over to Clove’s twitching excuse for a body* CLOVE! *anguished* Thresh: You better run now, Fire Girl. *darts to the table, takes Cato’s meatballs and runs into the wheat field* *Link and Foxface awkwardly continue eating. Katniss scurries off. Camera shows Link and Foxface eating, pans down to Cato weeping over Clove’s still corpse, as the canon booms*

Katniss: *stumbles into cave, Peeta looks startled, awake* Peeta- your bread! *tosses him the bread and faints* Peeta: *looking down at her sleeping frame* Oh Katniss…you’re my forever girl. *fades out with Peeta wrapping a bandage over her cut cheek.* *a few days later, torrential downpour* Katniss: It has been raining. FOREVER. Peeta: Well, not foreverKatniss: FOREVER. Peeta: Just – just a few daKatniss: FOREVER. *angry face* where is all this rain coming from?! *camera pans out, Haymitch is sitting on top of the cave with a hose* Katniss: Hey Peeta… do you remember, when we were kids, and you gave me that bread? I guess I can finally stop owing you now. *gestures to the feast bread* Peeta: You never owed me anything. Katniss: But you didn’t even know me! Why did you do that, anyway? Peeta: You really don’t know? *shakes head* Haymitch said you’d take a lot of convincing. Katniss: *looks confused* Peeta: *awkward pause* You know, I don’t give my bread to just anybody, Katniss. Katniss: Really? *Peeta and Katniss exchange meaningful looks* *cuts to someone sitting in front of their t.v. wearing a Team Peeta t-shirt* Fan: *sob* THEIR LOVE IS SO REAL *sob* *cuts back to the two in the cave* Peeta: So did you ever really check your backpack for anything?

Katniss: Eh…no. Peeta: You- you wanna… do that now? Katniss:… yeah that’s a good idea. *check pack* Katniss: Alright, we got a sleeping bag, we got dried fruit, we got the last season of Lost, Spongebob band aids, a rubber chicken, Chicken Soup for the Tribute’s Soul, and an eight track. Peeta: Well shit. That stuff’s not gonna help us at all. Katniss: Well, I’m off to bed. Night Peeta. *Katniss goes to sleep* Peeta: *while Katniss is sleeping, he goes up and starts talking to her* You know, Katniss. I remember the day I fell in love with you. You were wearing a red plaid dress and your hair… it was in two braids instead of one. And my dad was all like, “You see that chick?” and I was like, “Yeah,” and he was all like “I wanted to bang her mom. I wanted to make sweet sweet buns with her, with lots of cinnamon and honey.” And I said, “Dad, I’m like, five” and he just said, “Bunssss” and that’s when I fell in love with you. Katniss: *wakes up* what’d you say, Peeta? Peeta: Bunsssssss Katniss: *suddenly jumps up, gesticulating* : Peeta! Look! Mockingjay: AFLACK. Katniss and Peeta in unison: What a majestic creature…… Peeta: Hey, I think the rain stopped. The two walk out of the cave and look up in the sky. Thresh’s face is shown- he is dead. Katniss: gasps Oh, no! Thresh is—is— Peeta: *pulls Katniss into his embrace as she cries* Tell you what, Katniss. You go to sleep, and dream of home. Katniss: ._. But I’m not even tired, I’m just sad, damnit! Peeta: Just sleep and think happy thoughts.

Katniss: *stand up* No! I want to avenge Thresh. The rains stopped- let’s get out of this cave, and finish these Games. Katniss and Peeta have a woods montage! Katniss and Peeta begin picking berries off a bush. Suddenly Peeta gasps. Katniss: What, what is it Peeta? Peeta: *walks over to a nearby shrub reverently*: The fabled bread bush! Few live to see such glory! Such beau—Fox Face?! Fox Face is chomping on the berries they had dropped in their haste to get to the bread bush. Katniss: Foxface! *whips out bow and arrow, prepared to fight* Fox Face *chokes, sputters, and dies* Katniss: Peeta! The berries were poison! Let’s keep them around incase Cato gets hungry. *looks around* Now, where would Cato be? Peeta and Katniss: The lake. *They head off to the lake, and look around* Peeta: Where is he? Katniss: Let’s give him another hour. We don’t wanna fight him after dark. *Cato comes out of the woods, sprinting* *Katniss shoots him and the arrow bounces right off* Katniss: He has some kind of armor! *Cato charges them, but runs right pass them* Peeta: He’s going to the Cornucopia! *rumble rumble rumble* Katniss: What is that? *muttations*

Peeta: Run! *running scenes, run into Link chopping grass with sword* Katniss: What are you doing out here?! Link: I’m looking for rupees! *is eaten by muttations* Euuuuuh *They look on in horror as Link is dragged away, they turn and run in the opposite directiontowards the Cornucopia, where Cato is* Peeta: Quick! Let’s climb onto the Cornucopia! Cato: *locks Peeta in headlock* Katniss: *whips out bow and arrow* Cato: *laughs evilly* Shoot me and he goes down with me. Peeta: *whips out bread with paint on it* *paints an X on his hand* Cato: Wait- what are you doing? Stop touching me! Katniss: *shoots his hand* Cato: AUGH! *stumbles back, and the muttations drag him off* Katniss: Is- is he dead? Peeta: I think so Cato: I’M VERY MUCH ALIVE Katniss: Yeah, he’s definitely dead. Cato: HELP MEEE Peeta: Yup, so dead. Katniss: Dead as a door nail. Cato: AAUUGHHH *dies* *cannon* *Afflack*

Claudius Templesmith: Attention, Tributes! Greetings to the final contestants of the seventy fourth hunger games. The earlier revision has been revoked, biznatches! Closer examinations of the rule book has disclosed that only one winner is allowed. Good luck and may the odds be ever in your favor. Katniss: Welp. *stabs Peeta* THAT’S WHAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED. BUT NO. THIS IS WHAT REALLY HAPPENED. Katniss and Peeta: *exchange looks* Peeta: If you think about it, it’s not that surprising. *drops bread, Katniss gasps* Do it, Katniss. Shoot me and go home and live with it! Katniss: *matter-of-factedly* I can’t. I used my last arrow on Cato. Peeta: *ignores that and keeps going* We both know that they have to have a victor, and it can only be one of us. Please, for me. I love you. Life would be lame without you. There’s no life for me in District 12 without you, Katniss. Please. Just do it. Katniss: Idea! *makes idea face* Trust me, Peeta. They have to have a victor. On the count of three? *pulls out berries* Peeta: On the count of three. *takes berries. They hold hands and face outwards.* Katniss: One. Peeta: Two. Claudius: WOAH WOAH WOOOAH BIZNATCHES. SLOW DOWN THERE. NO. This is not allowed. You both win. Tributes of District 12 everybody. Yeah. Good job kids. The odds were ever in your favor. Good job. Yeah. Peeta and Katniss: *they collapse into each other’s arms, fade out* *fades back in, they’re on the train. Peeta and Katniss are perched on a couch, Haymitch is passed out on the ground.* Peeta: I can’t believe we’re going home, Katniss- we did it. *he holds her hand* Katniss: *looks at their interwoven fingers guiltily* Peeta, I need to talk to you about something. Peeta: What’s up, jelly buns?

Katniss: The whole thing in the arena…the ‘star-crossed lovers’ bit… Peeta: ‘Bit’? What do you mean? Katniss: Haymitch said if we pretended to be in love, he’d give us bread- and I know how you like breadPeeta: It was just some strategy you guys worked out? It didn’t mean anything to you? *pulls away, angst* Katniss: Not all of it… Peeta: Forget that, I guess the real question is, what’s left of us when we get home? Katniss: *looks off into the distance* Already the boy with the bread is slipping away from me… Peeta: No, Katniss, I’m RIGHT HERE and waiting for an answer! Katniss: I don’t have an answer right now… Peeta: Well, let me know when you work it out. *walks off, looking depressed* Katniss: *a single tear slides down her cheek* Haymitch: *wakes up, drunken slur* So, no sequel then? ~Fin~

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