he T

Plateless dining
Sara Saturday Rogers
Food fight initiator
In an unexpected move last week, Mount Saint Allison’s food provider, Errormark, took a huge step forward in their quest to make Lemmings Meal Hall as eco-friendly as it can be, by making plates no longer available at dining facilities on campus. e school administration has applauded Errormark on this move, calling it an example for the rest of the school, and potentially the basis for a new video contest. “It’s innovative thinking like this that really makes our university stand out,” said Mt. St. A President Cobert Ramble. e move, however, has had some unfortunate consequences; every flat surface in Lemmings has been commissioned as a pseudo-plate, with sneeze guards, wall tiles and the clock among the first to go. Campus police are actively checking students for plates, cutlery, and Tupperware on their way into meal hall. And with every available plate option taken, many students have been bringing backpacks into Lemmings under the pretense of studying while in fact using their books as plates. Professors are not pleased with this turn of events. “First they come late to lab because the clock is gone, their lab manuals are covered in spaghetti when the finally get here, and then when they leave, all of my beakers are gone!”

April 2, 2009

In poor taste since pretty much always Vol. 138 Iss. 21

Environmental reasons cited as food provider’s removal of plates
remarked one irate professor. e lack of plates has also caused other problems at meal hall. Packs of students have been seen scurrying away from Lemmings at full speed in fear of the food fights that have become common this past week. “It’s food rage, you know? Someone diving for that last sandwich will accidentally knock someone’s food out of their hands, and before you know it, it’s a war zone!” said one student, whose name was lost when he was hit by a flying sloppy joe. In a strange twist, however, the removal of plates has actually brought commerce students out of hiding. Drawn away from their plasma TVs by force of the fact that the TVs were stolen as plates, they’ve taken the lead role in organizing the black market sale of paper plates, and the conversion of many residence lounges into illegal restaurants. And food isn’t the only thing disappearing from meal hall now. With more backpacks getting into meal hall, larger and larger items have been disappearing, including meat slicers, grills, and the entire ice cream cart. e whereabouts of these items is currently unknown, but it is suspected that they have been put to use in the residence restaurants. Still, the removal of plates hasn’t been all bad. Students have shown a remarkable cooperation in the development of a three-second rule for drinking from the faucet of the drink dispensers. Faculty have also noticed a huge increase in the turn-

Jizzica Semin

Errormark will no longer be providing plates. Students have been using any and every imaginable flat surface for their breakfast, lunch and supper.
out to guest lectures, since plates and cutlery are still provided at the receptions that follow them. e most well-attended lecture of the week was for the President’s “Marathon of Lectures” on the environment. And for the first time ever, Bagtown is facing a huge shortage of off-campus housing, while residences are reporting record low numbers of returning students. Both the town and the university are thrilled by this development. Mt. St. A can take in a record number of new students for the fall, and the town has approved a proposal for a new apartment building, standing a record five stories tall. While the administration and town are delighted by the concept, it’s uncertain how many more of these changes students will take. Incensed students from the newly-formed group DISH held a protest outside of the library yesterday, encouraging students to question Errormark’s real motive in eliminating plates and cutlery. e protest ended tragically when the student, dressed as a plate, was carried off by a hoard of hungry freshmen. Meanwhile, buoyed by the overwhelming support from the university and environmental groups, Errormark is looking into the feasibility of removing tables from meal hall. ough there is no official word, all signs point towards this policy being implemented soon.

Benadryl XVI visits Bagtown, stands by anti-condom statement
Julio Mandarez
Devout Catholic
During a brief press conference in Bagtown this week, Pope Benadryl XVI stood behind his recent statement that condoms are not the solution to the HIV problem. “AIDS is a worldwide crisis,” he said at the conference. “We need to combat it in a way that’s accessible and affordable to everyone.” He listed condoms among the least accessible strategies for HIV prevention. e only plausible solution, reasoned Benadryl, is to educate the general population on the benefits of pulling out. “Pulling out is a time-honoured tradition,” he stated. “It’s reliable, fun, and 100 per cent effective against

Pope endorses pulling out
diseases.” e Pope’s initial denouncement of condoms was met with criticism and aggression worldwide, with health officials and HIV specialists accusing the Pope of distorting the issue and causing “immeasurable harm” to the anti-AIDS initiative. In an effort to better explain his standpoint, the Pope recently set out on his ongoing worldwide media tour, which will include four stops in North America. During his stay in Bagtown, the Pope went on to denounce condoms as “totally lame,” with particular emphasis on the evils of french ticklers. e global response to this latest stance remains to be seen, but the Pope expects that his more recent statements will be well received.

Abigail Franklin

Independent Student Journal of Mount Allison University

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