Jokes Harmless

Harmless Jokes

Prepare to Groan …

Version: 1/00

Version date: Feb 2002

Collated by: http://Gasonga.com/

Version: 1/00 Page No: 1

Jokes Harmless

Bestsellers for Halloween Jokes from Amazon.com

Boo Who? : And Other Wicked Halloween Knock-Knock Jokes

by Katy Hall Stephen Carpenter
Our Price: $6.99
Sales Rank: 521,403 - Avg. Rating: 0 (out of 5)
Released: September, 2000 - ISBN: 0694013595
Halloween Book of Fun: Puzzles, Games, Jokes, Ideas, and More
by Jeffrey O'Hare
Our Price: $7.95
Sales Rank: 1,127,309 - Avg. Rating: 0 (out of 5)
Released: August, 2001 - ISBN: 1563979594
Hocus Pocus: A Whole Book of Spooky Fun
by Phoebe Spelling Sarah Symmonds Sarah Symmons
Our Price: $4.99
Sales Rank: 1,148,268 - Avg. Rating: 5 (out of 5)
Released: September, 2001 - ISBN: 0439296528
Garfield's Halloween Adventure (Formerly Titled Garfield in Disguise)
by Jim Davis
Our Price: $6.95
Sales Rank: 447,026 - Avg. Rating: 5 (out of 5)
Released: October, 1985 - ISBN: 0345330455
Funnie Haunted House (Doug Chronicles , No 6)
by Tim Grundmann Matthew C. Peters Tim Grundman Jumbo Pictures
Our Price: $3.99
Sales Rank: 219,469 - Avg. Rating: 5 (out of 5)
Released: October, 1998 - ISBN: 0786842598
The Halloween Joker (Wishbone Super Mysteries, No 1)
by Anne Capeci Vivian Sathre Rick Duffield Lyle Miller
Our Price: $3.99
Sales Rank: 316,528 - Avg. Rating: 5 (out of 5)
Released: September, 1998 - ISBN: 1570643385
Creepy Castle
by Colin Hawkins Jacqui Hawkins
Our Price: $10.95
Sales Rank: 1,057,018 - Avg. Rating: 0 (out of 5)
Released: August, 2001 - ISBN: 0764154389
Horse Magic (Saddle Club, No 47)
by Bonnie Bryant
Our Price: $9.50
Avg. Rating: 5 (out of 5)
Released: April, 1996 - ISBN: 0606085947
101 Spooky Halloween Jokes
by Melvin Berger Don Orehek
Our Price: $1.95
Sales Rank: 357,874 - Avg. Rating: 0 (out of 5)
Released: April, 1999 - ISBN: 0590471430
Catdog Halloween Joke Book (Catdog)
by David Lewman
Our Price: $2.99
Sales Rank: 742,966 - Avg. Rating: 0 (out of 5)
Released: 01 September, 2000 - ISBN: 0689833873

Version: 1/00 Page No: 2

Jokes Harmless

THE FACTS OF LIFE

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.
There was an important job that to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was
Everybody’s job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realised that Everybody
wouldn’t do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody
could have done.

A ROUND TUIT
(Pronounced Too it)

A ROUND TUIT

At long last, we have a sufficient

quantity for each of you to have your own!
Guard it with your life. These tuits have been
hard to come by, especially the round ones.
This is an indispensable item. It will help you
become a much more efficient worker. For years,
we have heard people say, “I’ll do this or that as
soon as I get” a round tuit. Now that you have
a round tuit of your very own, many things
that have been needing to be
accomplished will get done.

Dear Earthling,

I am an intelligent being from another galaxy whose sole purpose of existence is to have sex with
every other life form I have contact with.

To fulfil my task, I have the ability to change my shape and form. This is why I have
transformed myself into the sheet of paper you are holding. At this very moment, I am having a
fantastic sexual experience with your fingertips. I know you are enjoying this because of the
smile on your face.

After you have been sexually fulfilled, please give me to someone else so that I may carry
on with my joyful task, and so bring love to the entire universe.

Version: 1/00 Page No: 3

Jokes Harmless

Question & Answer

Q: What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?

A: Doyouthinkhesawus

Q: What’s the difference between a skunk lying dead in the road and a lawyer lying dead in the
road?
A: The skid marks are in front of the skunk.

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Banana

Q: Why don’t Arts students look out of the window in the morning?
A: It would leave them with nothing to do in the afternoon.

Q: How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

A: Marry it!

Q: How many civil servants does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Three. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done, one to screw it in, and
one to screw it up.

Q: What do you call a fish without an eye?

A: Fsh.

Q: What has four legs and an arm?

A: A Happy pit-bull.

Version: 1/00 Page No: 4

Jokes Harmless

BARMAN JOKES…

A one way street walks into a bar and says to the barman:
"I'm right hard, really tough - I'll have a pint of beer"
He's just started his drink when in walks a dual carriageway.
The dual carriageway says to the barman: "I'm right hard - I'll have two pints of beer"
The dual carriageway downs the first pint and is just starting his second pint when in walks a
motorway. The motor way then says to the barman: "I'm right hard - I'll have three pints of
beer"
The motorway downs two beers and is just starting his third when in walks a thin straggly piece
of red tarmac path and orders half a shandy with plenty of lemonade.
The bar goes very quiet and the roads all hide under a table.
The thin straggly piece of tarmac slowly finishes his drink and leaves.
The barman says - "What’s wrong with you lot - I thought you said you right hard!"
"We may be hard" the roads reply "but that guy's a cycle path"

Four fonts walk into a bar

The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

Two peanuts walk into a bar

One was a salted

A jump-lead walks into a bar.

The barman says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"

A sandwich walks into a bar.

The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

Did you here the one about a Dyslexic man?

He walked into a bra.

A man walks into a pub, goes up to the bar and says

"Pint of best" to the barman.
Whilst waiting for his drink he notices that Vincent Van Gogh is sitting at one of the tables.
He goes up to him and says "Are you Vincent Van Gogh?"
"Yes" the old man replies.
"Do you want a pint?"
"No, ta. I've got one 'ere."

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
"Pint please, and one for the road."

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but

Version: 1/00 Page No: 5

Jokes Harmless

unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving
once and for all, that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He
wanted to transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their
recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked
them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said,
"I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the
hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is
named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him "Juan".
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving
the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

SPEND A PENNY?

A Downing Street spokesman has confirmed that in order to meet the conditions for joining the
Euro the phrase 'spending a penny' is not to be used after the 31st of December 2001.
From this date the correct terminology will be 'euronating'.

A guy walks into a bar with a frog growing out of his forehead.
Astonished, the bartender shouts "wow, where'd you get that!!?
"The frog says, " I don't know, it started out as a wart on my ass!

Version: 1/00 Page No: 6

Jokes Harmless

A gorilla walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer. The bartender pours him a tall,
froth mug and says "That'll be five bucks."
As the gorilla is paying for his beer, the bartender adds
"You know...we don't get many gorillas in here." To which the gorilla replies,
"At five bucks a beer, it's no wonder..."

A grasshopper walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer. The bartender pours him a
tall, frothy mug and says "You know... we have a drink named after you."
To which the grasshopper replies, "You have a drink named Bob?"

A man walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the
monkey jumps around all over the place. First it grabs some olives off the bar and eats them,
then it grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then it jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue
ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy,
"Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!" says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron.
"He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later the man is back with his monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts
running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry
on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is
disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks.
"Now what?" responds the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barman.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron.
"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball, he measures
everything first!"

THE COWBOY

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher
came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy,
"Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher
became more impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager.” The cowboy just
groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the
manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked,
"All right buddy, what's you're name?"
"Sam," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied....
"The balcony."

Version: 1/00 Page No: 7

Jokes Harmless

A MISMATCHED PAIR OF GLOVES

A young man wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart, and after careful consideration,
he decided on a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department
store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the items got mixed up. The sister got the gloves, and the sweetheart got
the panties. Without checking the contents, he sealed the package and sent it to her with this
note....

Dearest Darling:

This is a little gift to show you I have not forgotten your birthday. I chose these because I
noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not
been for your younger sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears
the short ones that are very easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought
them from showed me a pair she had been wearing for three weeks, and they were hardly soiled.
I had the sales girl try them on, and she really looked smart. I wish I could put them on you for
the first time. No doubt other men's hands will come in contact with them before I have a
chance to see you again When you take them off, blow in them before putting them away as they
will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Be sure to keep them on when you clean them, or they
might shrink. I hope you will like them, and will wear them for me on Friday night!

All my love...

P.S. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. Also, the latest style is to
wear them folded down with the fur showing.

HAVING A BAD DAY?

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots
on? He asked for help and she could see why.
With her pulling and him pushing the boots still didn't want to go on.
When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."
She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was
putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on
- this time on the right feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face
and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him
pull the ill-fitting boots off.
And then he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."
She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on
his feet again.
She said, "Now, where are your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."

Version: 1/00 Page No: 8

Jokes Harmless

THE DUCK AND A BEER

Duck walks into a bar and orders a beer.

Barman says, "Hey, you're a duck"
"Nothing wrong with your eyesight," observes the duck.
"Yeah, but I mean - you can TALK" says the barman.
"Guess your ears are fine, too," answers the duck. "Now, can I have a beer please."
Barman serves the duck a pint and asks him what he's doing in the area.
"Oh," says the duck. "I work on the building site over the road. We'll be here for a couple of
weeks, and I'll be in each lunchtime for a pint."
And each day the duck waddles over from his job at the building site and has his lunchtime lager.
Next week, the circus comes to town on its annual round. The Circus owner comes in for a pint,
and the barman tells him about the talking duck.
"You should get it into your circus," he says. "Make a lot of bucks out of a talking duck. I'll
speak to him about it."
Following day, the duck comes in at lunchtime. Barman says: "You know, the circus is in town, and
yesterday I was chatting to the owner. He's very interested in you."
"Really?" says the duck.
"Yeah. You could make a lot of money there. I can fix it up for you easily."
"Hang on," said the duck. "You did say a CIRCUS, didn't you?"
"That's right."
"That's one of those tent things, isn't it? With a big pole in the middle?"
"Yeah!"
"That's canvas, isn't it?" said the duck.
"Of course," replied the barman, "I can get you a job there, starting tomorrow. The circus
owner's dead keen."
The duck looked very puzzled.
"What the hell would he want with a plasterer?"

SHY GUY

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of
gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively,
"Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs,
"No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in
psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

Version: 1/00 Page No: 9

Jokes Harmless

GOOD OFFER?

A man was sitting in a bar enjoying a drink after work, when an exceptionally good looking woman
entered. She was so beautiful he couldn't take his eyes off her. She noticed him looking and
walked up to him. Before he could apologize for staring at her the woman said to him,
"I'll do anything for you, absolutely anything, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.
You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words".
The man considered the proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly
counted out five twenty-dollar bills, which he pressed in her hand. He looked her deep in the eyes
and said, "Paint my house”.

HOT AIR BALLOON

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realises that he is lost. He reduces altitude and spots a
man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:
"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says, "Yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.
"I do", replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but of no use to
anyone."
The man below says, "you must work in business."
"I do", replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to
be able to help. You're in the same position you were in before we met, but now it's my fault."

NEW CAR

A man buys a huge new car and shows it to his neighbour. Its great says the neighbour but does it
have a bed in like mine? But your car is tiny says the man. Yes but watch this, the neighbour
presses a button on his tiny car's dashboard and a bed unfolds. The man rushes back to the car
showroom and demands a bed be fitted to his new car. The next day the man takes his huge car
(now fitted with a bed) to show his neighbour but the neighbour is out. The man drives around
looking for the neighbour and sees his car parked up in a lay by, with all the windows steamed up!
The man goes to the car and starts banging ion the window. There’s no sign of the neighbour and
the windows are too steamed up to see inside. He bangs again, and again, and eventually the
neighbour (naked) wipes a circle into the steamed up window.
"What do you want?"
"My car has a bed like yours!"
"Hell, you got me out the shower to tell me that!!!"

Version: 1/00 Page No: 10

Jokes Harmless

THE DRINKERS PRAIR

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,
At home as it is in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head, And forgive us our spillage,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, the bitter, and the lager.

A FUNNY THING

A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.
Have you got a workstation on your desk?

SMOKERS

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain,
so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her
cigarette and continued to smoke.
Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! What is it that you put over your
cigarette?"
The other old lady said, "It's a condom..."
"A condom? Where do you get those?"
The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy.
When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the
pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a
little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her,
"What size do you want?"
The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel!"

PERFECT BODY?

A man comes home to find his wife admiring herself naked in the mirror.
"Do you know what the doctor told me today?" she asks.
"He said I had the most perfectly formed woman's body he's ever seen.
"Did he say anything about that big fat ass of yours?" asked the man.
"No, your name didn't even come up."

Version: 1/00 Page No: 11

Jokes Harmless

THE PROGRAMMER AND THE ENGINEER

A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The
Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer
just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The Programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lotta fun. He explains "I
ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question,
and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."
Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The Programmer, now somewhat
agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer,
I'll pay you $50!" This catches the Engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment
unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.
The Programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The
Engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to
the Programmer.
Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and
comes down on four?" The Programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his
laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem
and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated and still without an answer, he
sends e-mails to his co-workers...all to no avail.
After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50. The Engineer politely takes the
$50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The Programmer, more than a little miffed,
shakes the Engineer and asks, "Well, so what's the answer?"
Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Programmer $5, and turns away
to get back to sleep.

NAUGTHY PARROT

A man received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully-grown with a bad attitude and an
even worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were,
to say the least, rude.
The man tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing
soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, and the bird got
worse. He shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, he put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawking and kicking and screaming, and then, suddenly,
there was quiet.
The man was frightened that he might actually have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer
door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto the man's extended arm and said....
"I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions and ask for your
forgiveness, I will endeavour to correct my behaviour."
The man was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had changed
him.... when the parrot continued.....
"May I ask what the chicken did?"

Version: 1/00 Page No: 12

Jokes Harmless

COMPUTER NERDS …

Two systems analysts were standing in the park. One had a new bike.
The other said, "Nice bike. How much?"
The first said, "It was free."
The other asked, "Wow, how did you get it for free?"
The one with the bike said,
"Yesterday a beautiful girl rode up on this bike, took off all her clothes and told me I could have
anything I wanted."
The other systems analyst said,
"Good move! Her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway".

CODE MONKEY

A tourist walks into a pet shop in Silicon Valley, and is browsing round the cages on display. While
he's there, another customer walks in and says to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey, please".
The shopkeeper nods, goes over to a cage at the side of the shop and takes out a monkey. He
fits a collar and leash and hands it to the customer, saying
"That'll be $5000". The customer pays and walks out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist goes over to the shopkeeper.
"That was a very expensive monkey - most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it
cost so much?"
"Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."
The tourist looks at the monkeys in that cage. "That one's even more expensive - $10,000
dollars! What does it do?".
"Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object oriented programming, Visual C++, even some
Java, all the really useful stuff".
The tourist looks round for a little longer and sees a third monkey in a cage on its own. The price
tag round its neck says $50,000. He gasps to the shopkeeper,
"That one costs more than all the others put together!
What on earth does it do?"
"Well, I don't know what he does, but he says he’s a Contractor."

JELLY BABY

Jelly Baby had developed a nasty rash down below so he thought he would go and see a doctor to
get an expert opinion, the jelly doctor examined him and then looked at Jelly Baby and said "I'm
not sure what's wrong Jelly Baby we'll have to take a Jelly sample, and you'll have to come back
in two days".

So he goes back a couple of days later for the test result and the doctor says "We've got the
result and it's as I suspected Jelly Baby, you've picked up a sexually transmitted disease" Jelly
Baby looked at the doc and said "Well, is that it?".
"You don't sound very surprised Jelly baby" said the doc.
Jelly baby replied, "I'm not, I've been sleeping with allsorts!"

Version: 1/00 Page No: 13

Jokes Harmless

Great Imponderables

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in what
happens to the other penny?

7. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

9. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not
called a racist?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is
the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be
delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and
dry cleaners depressed?

14. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

15. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

16. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

17. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older;
then it dawned on me ... they're cramming for their final exam.

18. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I
wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Version: 1/00 Page No: 14

Jokes Harmless

19. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?

What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the
postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

20. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

21. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

22. How come no one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning?

23. If I play a blank tape at full blast, will the mime artiest next door go nuts?

24. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian
water? Try spelling Evian backwards. NAIVE

25. OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers
are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans ?

26. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea ...does that mean that one enjoys it?

Version: 1/00 Page No: 15

Jokes Harmless

Dr Dr

Dr. Dr. I keep thinking I’m a bird"

"Well perch yourself over there and I’ll tweet you in a minute!"

"Dr. Dr. I feel like a pack of cards"

"Please Sit down, I’ll deal with you later"

"Dr. Dr. I feel like a pair of curtains"

"Well pull yourself together then"

"Dr. Dr. I keep thinking I’m a puppy"

"Lie on the couch and I’ll have a look at you"
"But I’m not allowed on the couch"

"Dr. Dr. I keep thinking I’m invisible"

"Who said that?"

"Dr. Dr. I keep seeing pink cats with three ears, before my eyes"
"Have you seen a doctor before?"
"No, just these pink cats with three ears"

"Dr. Dr. my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?"

"Use a pencil ‘till I get there" "Dr. Dr. I keep thinking there is two of me"
"One at a time please"

"Dr. Dr. a crab has just bitten my toe"

"Which one?"
"I don’t know, all crabs look a like to me" "Dr. Dr. I’ve lost my memory!"
"When did this happen?"
"When did what happen?"

Version: 1/00 Page No: 16

Jokes Harmless

A LESSON IN POLITICAL SCIENCE

SOCIALISM - You have two cows. The government takes one to give to someone else.

COMMUNISM - You have two cows. The government takes both and gives you the milk.

FASCISM - You have two cows. The government takes both and sells you the milk.

NAZISM - You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRACY - You have two cows. The government takes both, shoots one and pours the milk
down the drain.

CAPITALISM - You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

ANARCHY - steal neighbour's bull, shoot the government.

End

Version: 1/00 Page No: 17