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– DAY OSCAR A BIG BLACK CAT is seated on the floor and the animal is meowing. The room is immaculate. A black leather settee covered with cellophane stands in front of a very large television screen. Framed pictures hang upon the wall, and a tall pot plant stands in the corner upon a grey rug. The door opens at the far end of the room, and Marshall Brent walks through it. He is dressed in a blue silk dressing gown. The cat meows at him. Brent walks to the window, lifts it, and turning around he picks the animal up and drops him through it. JENNIFER GALE staggers through another door, carrying a large red handbag. She is buxom, blonde, heavily tanned and very attractive. Although her clothes are extremely slutty, and her skirt is short, and Jennifer’s thick
2 lipstick, and mascara is smeared across her face. She slumps down upon the settee, and blows out a ball of pink bubblegum, before swallowing it back in her mouth and chewing loudly. Brent places his hands upon his hips and stares at the girl. BRENT The only time you’re awake this early in the morning is when you stay out all night. You’re worse than that blasted cat. JENNIFER (Thick London accent) Bog off… (She blows another bubble) Girl’s night out… (Bubble gum bursts on her face) Brent notices that Jennifer’s knuckles are cut… BRENT Jennifer have you been brawling again? JENNIFER Yeah, got into an argument at the taxi rank. BRENT Who with?
3 JENNIFER Kate. She’s so stupid. BRENT Kate. I heard she got married. JENNIFER (Smiles enthusiastically) Yeah! It was so romantic, he proposed to her on an island. BRENT Really? Where? JENNIFER The island off the A42. The big round green one. BRENT Oh, yes, very romantic… JENNIFER Kate, right, she had the nerve to suggest that Charles Dickens… The dead writer?… Great Expectations? Hard Times? That Dickens was a better writer than Oscar Wilde… I mean, think about it, yeah? Picture of Dorian Gray… Importance of Being Ernest? I mean… It made my blood boil. So things got really heated. She opens up her handbag and slides out a rather dented book entitled ‘Selected Plays by Shakespeare’ and flicks through the pages with a smile. JENNIFER (cont’d) It started with fists. Then I bashed her around the head with Shakespeare’s selected plays… She had no chance.
BRENT Oh? JENNIFER Yeah, all she had on her was a slim volume of the Romantic Poets. (Smiles at Brent) I mean… It’s no match is it? Jennifer pats the book, and grins proudly. JENNIFER (cont’d) No match for this heavy weight… BRENT Well I won’t argue with that… JENNIFER Kate… I mean, come on, she needs to get a life. BRENT (Shakes his head) Another fight over literature… Another Saturday night in the city. JENNIFER Yeah?… (Stroppy) Why? You want to make something of it too? BRENT No… It’s not worth fighting over…
JENNIFER (Sarcastic) Spoken like a true literary critic… (Mocking) I mean, you only have to read Wilde to see that quite clearly he has a much broader spectrum of ideas than Dickens. (Scoffs) I mean Dicken’s was paid by the word… Brent stretches out his arms and yawns. He looks bored by Jennifer’s ramblings. JENNIFER (cont’d) But you can’t argue with Kate. Oh no… She get’s a bee in her bonnet, there’s no shutting her up on literary subjects. I think she’s someone I should Sigmund Freud… BRENT Sigmund Freud? JENNIFER Sigmund Freud?… Avoid? Cockney Rhyming slang?… Blimey, you weren’t born near the sound of Bow Bells, now were you?… BRENT Well neither were you. You were born in Oxford. Jennifer looks around for the cat.
JENNIFER (Defensive) So? I’m a Oxford Cockney… Anyway, where’s Oscar? Brent looks vague. JENNIFER (cont’d) My cat? BRENT He was meowing so I tossed him out the window. Jennifer jumps to her feet and runs across to the open Window, and gazes out. JENNIFER (Shouting) Oscar! Can you hear me babe? BRENT They always land on their feet. I’ve heard stories of cats being tossed off the Empire State building and landing on their feet. (Frowns) Although their feet generally ended up embedded in their spines. She looks back at Brent. JENNIFER You’re a sick and twisted man. Especially after all the cat napping that’s been going on.
BRENT Cat napping? What you mean? JENNIFER Cats have been going missing all over town. You should know, you work for the police. BRENT No I didn’t know. We don’t have many photographs of missing cats stuck on the police station wall. Got a few mug shots of some cat burglars, face and profile. (Grins) Can’t find them either. Although we were a whisker away from catching one of them. Ralph jumps back through the window, and Jennifer picks the animal up and cuddles him. She sits back down upon the settee. JENNIFER Oh… God you talk bollocks. (Blank looks) But I’m worried for Oscar. And all those other animals. (Stroppy) And what you been doing about it hey? Too busy solving murders and stuff like that to care about something that really matters. (Hugs Oscar) Cat theft. BRENT Well, Stone’s coming over shortly, you can discuss it with her.
8 JENNIFER I’m knackered… (Raising her voice) Anyway, don’t you care? I mean all animals are living things. BRENT True, and no I don’t care. It’s my day off. JENNIFER Don’t get me mad… She starts hitting herself on the head with the book. BRENT Please don’t do that… MARSHALL BRENT’S LIVING ROOM – LATER Brent has dressed. The man is wearing blue jeans and a tee shirt. Stone walks into the living room alongside Jennifer. The young woman has changed into pair of blue pyjamas. Stone is dressed in a leather jacket and red leather trousers. STONE Nice tan Jenny. Where’ve you been? JENNIFER (Flippantly) Oh, just the local supermarket. Brent rolls his eyes.
9 STONE Oh… It looks nice. Spray or cream?. BRENT (Shakes his head) It’s a cream… (Sighs) That’s why I leave the cellophane on the seats. She leaves a brown stain wherever she sits. JENNIFER The stains are orange. At least I don’t wash my football boots in the bath… (Grumpily) I’m going to bed. She crosses the room and picks up Ralph. JENNIFER(cont’d) I have to be up at nine tonight. Another girl’s night out. Oh you’d better talk about the cat problem. Otherwise Oscar will never be allowed to leave the house again. And you know he’s not house trained. Jennifer exits the room through a near door. STONE Messy disgusting creature. STONE I like that cat. BRENT No, I’m talking about Jennifer. Anyway…
10 Brent sits down on the settee and picks up the remote control and puts the football on. BRENT (cont’d) You want a coffee? STONE (Smiles) Yes please… BRENT Thank you. I’ll have one too. You know where the kitchen is? Stone looks disgruntled… STONE (Unimpressed) Yes. Thanks for that. BRENT (Pleased with himself) No. I mean it’s no trouble at all. (Grins) You can open the expensive decaf if you like. It’s quality stuff. Brent reclines on the settee, and makes himself comfortable. BRENT (cont’d) Oh, have a digestive biscuit if you like. They’re chocolate coated.
11 STONE (Irritated) You’re so kind. But I happen to be on a diet remember… BRENT Sorry, but you know I like to spoil my guests. INT. MARSHALL BRENT’S LIVING ROOM - LATER Brent and Stone sit next to each other on the settee. They are both drinking from mugs of steaming coffee. The football plays out in front of them upon the television. STONE this is what you on your days off. (Whispers) it was me I’d rather at work.
So do If be
BRENT Yeah, I’ve got six channels of sport. Getting another three installed Monday. Brent tears open a packet of crisps, and dips into them. He shoves a handful into his mouth. BRENT (cont’d) It’s really inspiring isn’t it?… (Crunches the crisps) Football… It’s such a manly ballet. I mean people talk about great painters… STONE Great painters? Like who?
12 BRENT Like Edam, Bousin, or Brie… But I see more art in a fine pair of feet than I do in a fine painter’s hand. STONE Yes, well you would. Your idea of great painting is using a sponge roller. BRENT (Staring blankly at the television) Look at the grace behind their ball play, I mean you don’t get that in a Monet. I bet he couldn’t score at Wembley. STONE Don’t think he’d want to. Or be able to, since he’s been dead Since 1926. I don’t think you can make the comparison between Monet and a football player. Although he could do a good impression of a football player. (Grins) Impression? Get it? Impressionism? BRENT (Ignoring her) I wouldn’t sign Monet to play for Arsenal. He’d be useless. Kicking a ball, now that’s real art, and on a much wider canvass. STONE I also think you’ll find that Edam, Brie, and Bousin are types of cheese… Not famous painters.
13 BRENT (Ignoring her words) The watercolours they did, well, yeah, they were something else. But I agree that they’re also known for their cheeses. (Smiles) As a great writer once said… Blessed are the cheese makers. But, anyway, sport makes me hungry. STONE Sure. Watching all that exercise must work up an appetite. Crams in some more crisps. STONE (cont’d) Although it’s not very considerate to stuff your face when I’m dieting. BRENT These are low fat crisps. STONE What’s that got to do with it? (Irritated) You know I can’t eat them. The doorbell rings… Brent dips his fingers into the crisp packet and draws out more of the snacks. The doorbell rings again…
14 BRENT You going to answer that or what? STONE Why me? BRENT Well, Jennifer’s in bed. (Indignant) You can’t expect me to wake her… STONE Day off?… Or have you actually ceased to exist? INT. THE HALLWAY – LATER Stone opens the door, and MRS GWENT a very old lady is standing on the doorstep. She is dressed in a long red coat, and she is wearing a rather peculiar woolly hat. It has a cats head upon it, the large eyes bulge outwards, and four legs hang down to her shoulders, the flaps of loose fur have small paws attached and a tail trails off down the back of her neck. MRS GWENT Good morning. What can I do for you? STONE Sorry, you rang the doorbell?…
15 MRS GWENT (Smiles) Yes… (Thoughtfully) But you answered it… STONE (Looking confused) Yes I did… Stone stares into the staring eyes of the dead cat. MRS GWENT Then you must want to speak to me… Stone stares at Mrs Gwent’s cat hat again. STONE Are you wearing a real cat? MRS GWENT Oh no, of course it isn’t real. A real cat wouldn’t sit on someone’s head like this one does. STONE I’m glad to hear it… MRS GWENT No it’s quite dead. STONE Hmmm, (Chuckles uncomfortably) OK, (Whispers) Marginally eccentric I think…
MRS GWENT Sorry?… STONE Should we start again? MRS GWENT Please do… STONE You rang the bell. If you remember?… MRS GWENT Oh yes, so I did… Mrs Gwent removes a blue tin from her coat and shakes it in front of Stone, the coins inside rattle loudly. MRS GWENT (cont’d) I’m collecting. STONE Collecting for what? MRS GWENT Cat’s Protection League. Hence the defining hat… Stone shakes her head in disbelief and reaches into her back pocket for a coin. STONE Oh of course that makes sense… She draws a fifty pence piece from her trousers and
attempts to place it into the tin. Mrs Gwent sticks her hand over the tin’s slit. MRS GWENT Oh no, I’m only collecting notes now. Not small change. STONE What? Stone shakes her head again and once more reaches into her back pocket, she continues to stare at the hideous hat. STONE (cont’d) Where did you get that hat? (Grins and whispers) Where did you get that smile? MRS GWENT (Defensively) You can’t have it, it’s mine. Mrs Gwent smiles when she sees the five pound note, Stone reaches forward but drops the five pound note as the old lady’s feet. Mrs Gwent leans over to pick it up and the cat’s eyes fall out of the hat, and roll around at Stone’s feet. MRS GWENT (cont’d) Oh deary me… Must buy some glue.
18 Mrs Gwent scrambles around at Stone’s feet and picks up the eyes, and the five pound note. She straightens up and slides the five pound note into the tin. Stone stares into the empty sockets of the cat hat’s head. Mrs Gwent slots them back in, but they are lopsided and crooked. STONE I don’t want it… Just want to know where you got it. MRS GWENT Www.cathat.com. They’re expensive but it seems that you’re happy to throw your money around. STONE I’ll look it up. MRS GWENT Is there anything else I can do for you? STONE Erm… (Confused) No… MRS GWENT (Abruptly) Well, you can go now. Mrs Gwent stares unblinking at Stone, and Stone stares
back. The old lady is rigid, motionless. STONE Right. Mrs Gwent makes no attempt to move and she continues to stare at Stone. STONE (cont’d) What’re you going to do? MRS GWENT That is none of your business. STONE I think you’d better go. MRS GWENT (Sternly) Stop harassing me, and close the door. Stone starts to close the door… STONE Bye then… Stone closes it very slowly, Mrs Gwent remains standing upon the doorstep, and Stone clicks the door shut. She shakes her head and turns away, but something draws her back and she opens the door again. Mrs Gwent is still standing upon the doorstep.
20 MRS GWENT Yes, can I help you? Mrs Gwent recognizes Stone, and glares at the young woman. MRS GWENT (cont’d) (Angrily) Not you again? Stone shudders, shuts the door and bolts it… INT. MARSHALL BRENT’S LIVING ROOM - LATER Stone walks back into the living room. Brent is chomping through a gigantic sandwich. He barely registers the young woman’s presence. Stone sits down next to him again. BRENT Who was it? STONE (Anger) Just some old lady with a dead cat on her head… BRENT (Indifferent) What kind of cat? STONE A tabby. (Disbelief) What difference does that make?
21 BRENT Not pedigree then?… (Smiling) Arsenal just scored. Well chuffed. STONE (Disgusted) She was wearing a cat skin hat… It was horrible. BRENT (Calmly) Don’t get in a flap about it. (Grins) Yeah, a cat flap… STONE (Irritated) Is that a joke? BRENT No… I was just trying to lighten the mood. STONE (Grumpily) It’s hardly going to lighten the mood. Stone looks annoyed and crosses her arms, Brent grins, and rolls his eyes. BRENT (Whispers and grins) No need to be catty… STONE (Ignoring him) Have you got the internet?
BRENT Yeah… STONE I need to check out a Website… BRENT Yeah, sure thing. Do it in forty, nearly half time… INT. COMPUTER ROOM - LATER Stone sits in a dark room with the curtains drawn. She is staring at a computer screen and her face is glowing with blue light. Brent stands behind her, gazing down at his colleagues shoulders. He admires the woman’s neck. BRENT You’ve got a nice neck. It’s very… (Struggling to find the word) Giraffe… STONE (Unimpressed) Giraffe? Stone presses enter. STONE (cont’d) Here we are. Www.cathat.com
23 Brent and Stone read carefully. Their expressions registering disbelief. STONE (cont’d) Look how they’ve spelt catalogue. Capital C capital A capital T… BRENT So many hats… Expensive… (Pointing at the screen) Look at the price of that one… STONE I don’t want to buy one. (Self righteous) Call us a nation of animal lovers? Nation of animal owners more like… BRENT There’s a contact number. STONE Store it to favourites. She moves and clicks the mouse… BRENT I’ve just had a thought. I reckon this explains Jennifer’s cat napping mystery. STONE What do you mean? BRENT Cats have been going missing all over the City.
24 STONE Yeah, and here’s the answer, they’re being made into hats. BRENT What should we do? STONE We’re plainclothes division now. Contact Harrison, and get us some shooters. I’ll pop down and pick them up. BRENT OK. you ring Cat Hats. What else you going to do? STONE Pop to the local toyshop. And then I’m going to ring that number and make ourselves an appointment with these people. BRENT You’ve got a plan? STONE I’ve got a plan. BRENT Is it cunning? STONE Infinitely…
25 EXT. CAR PARK – LATER Stone crosses the car park to the door of her car, unlocks it and climbs inside. INT. STONE’S CAR Stone places a large, bulging plastic bag on the passenger seat. It has the name ‘TED’S TOYS’ stencilled upon it. Stone takes out her mobile phone and pushes in the buttons. It rings at the other end, an INAUDIBLE MALE VOICE echoes over the line. STONE (Mexican accent) I’m ringing about your cat hats. I am a cat smuggler from Mexico, (Shakes her head) And I have two rare breeds that I would like to sell to you… Would you like to meet and make the trade? INT. A POLICE STATION OFFICE – LATER Harrison Blake is standing in the office his leg is propped up on the chair, and he is dressed in a slick brown shiny suit. He is staring, unblinking into space. Two pistols rest side by side upon the desk. Stone walks into the room, and approaches her superior. STONE Chief?
26 Harrison continues to stare straight ahead, the man’s body is rigid and makes he no attempt to move. HARRISON I’ve got your guns. Just remember, they maybe toys, but they’re still dangerous toys. STONE But they’re not toys. HARRISON (Smiles and winks) I’m not opposed to going commando. Harrison reaches for the belt of his trousers and starts to unclip it, and he pulls down the zip, and unbuttons the trouser top. STONE (cont’d) (Uncomfortable) What you doing? I’m not interested in your grooming habits chief… HARRISON Let me show you something. STONE What? HARRISON The hole in my arse. STONE No, chief… (Grimaces) I’d rather not.
27 HARRISON It’s so deep you can stick your finger in it. STONE No… (Forcefully) Please stop… I feel quite ill. Harrison does his zip up, and fastens the button, He loops the belt back in place. HARRISON I was living in the lowlands at the time. (Dramatically) The lower regions. It was the great Dwarf uprising of 79. STONE Don’t recall that… HARRISON You were far too young. It was led by a dwarf, a tall dwarf in fact… His mame was Ronald Rudge and he shot me in the arse… STONE Oh, I see… Hence the bullet hole in your buttocks. HARRISON How else would it get there? (Glaring at Stone) You’ve never heard of Ronald Rudge?
STONE No… No I haven’t… HARRISON Have you never seen his erection? In the lower regions? STONE (Chuckles) Erm… No I haven’t… HARRISON He has a six foot erection. I saw it unveiled. STONE A statue? Oh of course. but if he was a dwarf, surely he wasn’t six foot tall? HARRISON I told you he was a tall dwarf… STONE I think I’ll take those guns now… INT. MARSHALL BRENT’S LIVING ROOM – LATER Brent storms through the bedroom door into the living room. He is holding a picture of Jennifer. The man sits down on the settee and removes a lighter from his pocket. He lights it and begins to burn the photograph.
29 Stone walks into the living room, she is carrying the bulging bag. She sits down next to Brent. He is very focused on burning the picture. STONE Just a hunch, but are you and Jenny having issues? Sticks the smouldering photograph in an ashtray. BRENT How did you guess? (Sighs) I’m just not mahogonous. Mahogany… You know? STONE Touch wood that you’re still together though. Can I help in anyway? BRENT (Scoffs) With relationships? STONE Yes. I’ve had relationships. BRENT When? Not since I’ve known you. With what person? STONE What about Ralph? That was five years.
30 BRENT Yes… It was… But Ralph was a gold fish, not really a person. He also had a two second memory. You know… (Mimics a fishy wobbly voice) I don’t like this woman… What Was I thinking about? I don’t Like this woman… What was I thinking about? (Normal voice) I’m talking about a relationship with a man. STONE What about Ben? BRENT Ben? Oh Ben… Yes, he’s a man. A gay man, and he’s also your brother. STONE It’ll be different when I get down to a size eight. BRENT (Grins) You look like an eight now, a big round top and a big round bottom. STONE (Sarcastic) Can you ever get any funnier? BRENT Probably. Anyway what you got in the bag? Stone peers inside, and she smiles. STONE The master plan…
31 BRENT Yeah, I’ve been thinking about that. What happens when we meet the cat napper and we don’t have any cats to trade? STONE Well. (Smiling proudly) Meet Binky and Bluesy… Stone slides her hands into the bag and two blue furred, glove puppet Cats rise up from inside. Stone manipulates the puppets to give them life. BRENT (Aghast) You cannot be serious. STONE Simple. You sit in the back seat, hide out of sight and just put on a show. I’ve tinted the car windows. BRENT But they don’t look real. We could be dealing with dangerous people. STONE I’ve got microphones as well. We’ll be linked up, you’ll hear everything that’s said. BRENT It’s nuts…
32 Stone rubs one of the cats against Brent’s face. STONE Oh don’t be like that you’ll hurt their feelings. EXT. THE DISUSED FACTORY - LATER BRYSON is a big round, fat man. He is dressed in a black suit, black shirt and a red tie. He is completely bald, and he is wearing sunglasses, and chomping on a big fat cigar. SANCHEZ is a tall man in a pale green suit. He has thick, curly black hair, and very bushy moustache. He is holding a machine gun, and his eyes are hidden beneath big black sunglasses. Stone’s car pulls up some distance from the two men. Stone climbs out of the car and approaches. Bryson extends his hand and Stone shakes it in her own. BRYSON I’m Bryson. The fat man points a sausage finger towards his companion. BRYSON (cont’d) That’s Sanchez, my bodyguard.
33 Stone waves her hand at the man. He fails to respond. STONE (Mexican accent) Greetings Sanchez. BRYSON He won’t hear you, he’s deaf… (Pauses) And blind… STONE But he’s your bodyguard? Bryson draws back his jacket, and shows Stone a red button upon his belt. BRYSON Deadly all the same. If I’m threatened I press this, and he gets a shock to the testicles. STONE Nice… BRYSON Then he sprays the whole area with bullets. (Looks back at the car) Now where is the merchandise? STONE In my car.
34 BRYSON I can’t see them. (Threateningly) Hey lady you’d better not be trying to trick us, I like to see the cats. (Narrows his eyes) We’ve been sold badgers in the past. STONE (Extreme Mexican accent) Badgers? We don’t have no stinking badgers… The two cats appear in the rear window of the car. Bryson smiles when he sees the two animals moving about through the slightly tinted glass. BRYSON (Smiles) Good, I’m glad to hear they’re not badgers. What breed are they again? STONE Mexican Blue. Very advanced pedigree breed. BRYSON Advanced in what way? One of the cats turns towards the glass window, and waves his paw at Bryson. The man looks astonished. BRYSON (cont’d) The cat. It just waved at me.
STONE (Irritated) No. Are you sure? BRYSON Plain as day. (Disbelief) It waved. STONE They’re circus cats. They were trained by the Mexican State Circus. BRYSON Do they do anything else? STONE No, I don’t think so… The two cats start to play catch with an orange. They stand in the window and throw the fruit back and forth. BRYSON They’re playing catch now… STONE No. I’m sure they’re not. She watches the display and nods. STONE (cont’d) So they are. The two cats drop the oranges and wave their paws at Bryson.
BRYSON You want to sell these to my hat company? Surely cats like these should not be made into hats. STONE No, they deserve it, they’re very annoying. Bryson is entranced. He starts to walk towards the car. BRYSON I must see them close up… STONE Yeah, do go and have a closer look. Please. The two cats stands motionless in the rear window, their heads turning to follow the man’s progress to the car. Bryson reaches the passenger door, and tries the handle but it is locked. Bryson looks across at Stone. BRYSON (Eagerly) Can you unlock the door? STONE No problem. The cat’s are trained to wind down the windows.
37 The window begins to descend and Bryson leans forward towards the tinted glass. BRYSON Little cats, can you see me? One of the two cats appears in the window, but it is brandishing a pistol between its paws. GLOVE PUPPET CAT (Brent’s voice high pitched) Hands up! Bryson raises his hands sharply. BRYSON (Stunned) They speak to? Bryson turns towards Stone. She too is pointing a gun at Bryson. STONE You’re busted. She edges back and takes the machine gun from Sanchez. BRYSON Who are you? STONE The true Cats Protection League. Now lie down on the ground.
38 Bryson goes down on his knees, Stone and the cat are still holding their guns on him. BRYSON Never trust a Mexican. STONE (Losing the accent) You know one of my pet hates? (Disgust) It’s making hats out of people’s pets. Bryson lies fat upon the floor, the red button is activated, and Sanchez starts jumping about with his legs arced outwards, his arms flapping about, until his hands grab at his testicles. BRYSON You’re not even a Mexican. STONE No, (Proudly) I’m a vegetarian. She straddles his prone body, and grabs at his wrists. BRYSON Who are you? STONE Give me your wrists. Bryson rests his arms upon his back and Stone fastens a pair of handcuffs upon him.
BRYSON (Snarling) Copper tops. I should have known when I saw those cats. STONE What do you mean? BRYSON Advanced division, or something… You’ve got police cats… Sanchez staggers past clutching himself, and sucking in his cheeks. STONE Yeah, if you like… Stone shakes her head, as she watches Sanchez staggering about. She approaches the gun wielding glove puppet cat, and strokes its fur. STONE (cont’d) What’s the world coming to Binky? Is everyone crazy?
INT. A POLICE STATION OFFICE – LATER Harrison is still standing with his leg on the chair staring into space. Brent and Stone walk into the office and sit down at the desk.
40 STONE (Disbelief) Chief, have you been standing there all day? HARRISON You know what… STONE What? HARRISON I’ve got a bit of cramp. STONE Perhaps you should move about a bit? HARRISON I’m impressed by you today. You cracked a mystery on your day off, and reunited people with their beloved pets. There is a knock on the door, and a rather frail OLD MAN sticks his face around the corner. OLD MAN I was told you’ve got my cat? Harrison smiles and calls the old man into the room. HARRISON Ah yes, you’re in luck it’s a tabby I think?
41 OLD MAN Yes, that’s right… I was worried about him. I’ve missed Mr Tinkle. HARRISON Have you indeed. (Smiles broadly) Well worry no more. Harrison reaches down beneath the desk and lifts up a tabby cat hat, its eyes are crossed, and it is as stiff as a board. The old man looks stunned. HARRISON He’s more useful than before. Harrison places the cat hat on the old man’s head. HARRISON (cont’d) He can keep the rain off. The old man looks dazed, and exits the room. STONE You could’ve been a little more considerate. HARRISON He’s got his pet back. It’s deceptive. BRENT What you mean?
42 HARRISON Like the moon? (Smiles knowingly) We know the moons not the size it is in the sky. STONE Not sure where you’re going with this chief. HARRISON We know that the moon is at least… (Thinking) Ten times the size it is in the sky. (Smiles knowingly) It’s not the real image at all… It’s deceptive… (Nods firmly) You see what I’m saying? STONE Not entirely. I think you’ll find the moon is even bigger than that chief. HARRISON (Ignoring her) His cat is dead. Yes, but it’s deceptive because he’s got his cat back. Therefore he hasn’t lost his cat at all. STONE (Looks confused) But it’s been made into a hat…
43 Well chief, I guess as we worked today. (Grins) Oh, do remember it was by accident… So perhaps we should be allowed the day off tomorrow? HARRISON Brent, you only work by accident anyway. But the men up top are proud. You boys, you did good work both of you… BRENT Well, what can you do with people like them? HARRISON I’ve had a vision. (Stares into space) Everyone in prison should be released… Brent frowns and looks at Stone, and she rolls her eyes. HARRISON (cont’d) And an explosive device placed in their chests. With a camera on every street corner they can be watched. If they cause any trouble, the watchers can press a red button and blow the scumbags to pieces. STONE Wouldn’t that make an awful mess? And upset the general public?
44 Hang them all on elastic and watch them bounce. That’s what my Maude used to say. BRENT She was a wise woman. HARRISON No, she was completely insane. (Smiles at his colleagues) So my boys, be proud of your success, because you’re normally useless. But today you’ve earned my respect. STONE (Rolls her eyes and smiles) Perhaps one day Brent you’ll have an erection too… BRENT I beg your pardon? HARRISON (Slowly) A statue, erected in your name. STONE A very small one, about two inches… BRENT (Whispers) What? STONE Never mind.
45 That reminds me… Harrison starts to undo his trousers. HARRISON (cont’d) Maybe you’d like… Brent starts toe edge away towards the door. Harrison unzips his flies. HARRISON (cont’d) To see the hole in my arse. A dwarf put it in me. Brent’s face drops, and his mouth falls open in horror. FADE OUT END
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