My Thoughts

Ivan Frimmel

©

Ivan Frimmel 2005

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REFLECTING ON "DOING NOTHING"
Thursday, 09 December 1999

a few minutes ago I experienced one of those wonderful, silent and seemingly everlasting moments when I had absolutely nothing to do: everything seemed to be done, completed, still and perfect – nothing left undone, nothing wanting to be done, nothing to do, nowhere to go. no fear, no worry, no unfulfilled ambitions, hardly any thought, or sense of being, or time… total silence that later seemed to have lasted an eternity. as good as dead - and still very much awake. then thoughts & time started creeping in again. deep down, at the core of my being, I felt as if I, time or space did not exist, and that if "I" did anything at all, even as much as moved my finger or entertained any thought whatsoever, "I" would only interfere with the perfection that is all here & now, and thus spoil it. I am now painfully aware that I am spoiling it by reflecting on it, and that by thinking about it ”I” am "creating" the very “I” that interferes with the perfection that Is. in that almost perfect stillness I realised that the world can go on perfectly well without "me", and might even be a better place without my pain-ridden body, ever-changing emotions and silly thoughts, incessant questioning, criticising and complaining, and all my unnecessary talking, not to mention all my pointless and useless deeds, and all the guilt and self-recrimination that go hand-in hand with being the way “I” ususlly am. what a fool I was most of my life thinking that the world needs me, my so-called contribution, my so-called help. what an idiot I was, hoping that I - or anything I can do would make any difference in the world. now I can see very clearly that what I was doing most of my life was violently interfering with the inherent perfection of this world, unsuccessfully trying to fit my imperfect self into a perfect world.
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the only positive lesson I learned in my life is that all my thoughts, feelings and actions were futile, achieved nothing, led from nowhere to nowhere – and that nobody cares a damn anyway. I could also see very clearly how stuck I am in this modus operandi, how keen I am to continue with my futile habits and violent interfering for perpetuity. usually not a moment of true silence, only incessant commenting, questioning and complaining. Look! the next question is welling-up already on the screen of my consciousness, and demanding an answer. let me type it out: so, what do you do in times like that, when you realise that you have nothing to do, no role to play in this world, that nothing needs to be done? I ask myself the above question. that's a circular answer which leads nowhere, only back to the same question. What is the answer to the question that can get you out of the circle? here it is: What I must do is do nothing at all and accept that there is nothing to do, that I have no role to play - and relax into " doing" nothing, without any desire to do something about it at all – that's the answer! Is it really? If it was then why can't I shut up and really do nothing at all, not even think about doing nothing? How long do you intend to keep doing nothing? Forever, if necessary, or until something worth doing presents itself, whichever comes first. right now the only worthwhile "thing" that presents itself as an example of "doing nothing" is this thinking and writing quite effortless.
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So, what exactly does it mean `doing nothing'? It means exactly what it says. Just doing what comes up – nothing more, nothing less or else, effortlessly, in awareness. When tired – sleeping. When hungry – eating. When thinking - just thinking. When writing - just writing. When daydreaming – just daydreaming. No idea of what's to be done next, or a "doer". No desire to do anything other than what "I" am "doing" now. Waiting for what? Not even waiting for anything. Just being. Being who I am. Totally empty of all ideas about what is "my" role or purpose in life, or how "I" am going to survive tomorrow. Jesus said: `Have no thought for tomorrow' and Let thine will be done, not mine. No personal desire, no ambition, no interfering whatsoever, with anything whatsoever, which includes not interfering with my thoughts, or with my interfering… just pure non-being being, non-doing doing. there is no way that any words "I" know can convey exactly what wishes to be communicated here. let's give up trying to do so.

WILLING SLAVE TO WHAT IS
Saturday, 30 September 2000

liberated from all desire to be liberated remaining a hopeless slave to what is, I am having left behind all seeking after enlightenment basking in the dazzling light of darkness perfectly happy with not knowing everything after courting order and consistency for years finally married chaos and insanity without any hope or fear enjoying the coolness of heaven and the heat of hell in the comic tragedy called life
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grasping neither after any thing nor after no-thing enjoying everything as it comes, when it comes and letting it go as and when it wishes to go or stay, if it wishes to stay – who cares? resisting nothing especially not my own resistance accepting everything including my own non-acceptance tolerant of everything including my own and other people’s intolerance finding joy in embracing all pain, even the pain in joy feeling like being inside even when outside and outside even when inside. just watching everything including watchfulness, I am. leaking tap in my bathroom crying for recognition: drip, drip, drip… stupid dog outside my window bravely chasing some shadows and its own fears away with his nervous bark… how nice it is to enjoy the freedom of being a slave to what is.

NAKED TEMPTRESS
Tuesday, 03 October 2000

naked existence parading seductively, in sight, but just out of reach, teasing us into a hopeless chase after a mirage of happiness. promises, promises, promises. lifelong foreplay without any orgasm what an absurdity life is.

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RAW REALITY
Wednesday, 04 October 2000

we believe that raw reality needs some cooking in the mind to be more digestible.

SEEING CLEARLY
Thursday, 05 October 2000

seeing clearly the futility of waiting for the cessation of waiting non-waiting is. seeing clearly the futility of waiting for the arrival of non-doing non-doing is.

LAST WILL
Friday, 06 October 2000

let the last act of my will be willing itself away.

KEY QUESTION
Saturday, 07 October 2000

like a computer our body-mind also has Enter, Delete, Control, Help, Home, End… keys. who or what is pressing them? CONFESSIONS OF A MENTAL RAPIST
Monday, 09 October 2000

how cruel of me finding pleasure in trying to provoke a response from people who wish to be left undisturbed and forcing them to think against their will.

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ABSOLUTE ABSURDITY
Tuesday, 10 October 2000

who ever said that the Absolute is One, Nondual? why can’t the Absolute be Absolute Nihility, Duality, Trinity or Plurality? or Absolute Relativity? or Absolute Absurdity?

DANGERS OF GIVING
Tuesday, 10 October 2000

did you notice that your loving can be the cause of another’s hate and that your desire to help could be interpreted as trying to interfere your free gift could be bitterly resented by those who cannot give or receive freely, by those with suspicious minds, by those who are proud and don’t wish to feel obligated or by those who are self-sufficient and satisfied with what they have?

IMPATIENT PATIENCE
Tuesday, 10 October 2000

patience brings some fruit but unfortunately often quite shrivelled or downright rotten. if you wait long enough for something you may not want it or be able to enjoy it anymore when it finally comes. there is some merit in being a bit impatient in your patience.

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WHY?
Thursday, 12 October 2000

anxiety comes anxiety goes but the sense of life’s futility lingers on

CHOOSY BEGGAR
Thursday, 12 October 2000

"to be or not to be?" can only be answered by asking "do I have a choice?" "who is the 'chooser' ?" "who am I?" you know that beggars cannot be choosers don’t be a beggar – find the answer.

WHO AM I?
Friday, 13 October 2000

I can neither find any I nor any appropriate word for that I which I am but can never find because I am being I, now & here already and always I ‘find’ I when I stop looking for I and simply be I, doing nothing at all about finding I just being who I am now and here already and always I can never see, feel, touch, hear, smell, find I or want to be I I can only be I and express I by being who I am now and here already & always no more wanting
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nothing more to do, nothing more to say now & here.

MIND GAME
Saturday, 14 October 2000

i or the mind can’t see multiplicity as one – only I can. illusion is truth in disguise – the truth that I am not i. I AM
Saturday, 14 October 2000

When all not-I is “gone” I am that which is, I am that which I eternally am. Who or what is that? no-thing and everything.

IN PRAISE OF CARTOGRAPHY
Monday, 16 October 2000

knowing that a map is not the territory is only part of the whole truth, and certainly should not prevent us from making or using maps a good map is to be cherished and honoured long after the territory is known and the treasure found— as a good teacher should be, long after the lesson is learnt you’ll find that a good cartographer usually has a good, first-hand knowledge of the territory, and finds delight in the art of map-making both are revealed in the beauty and usefulness of the map reading a good map can be either a great pleasure for its own sake or for finding your way around the territory— either way, the art of cartography should not be scorned at like knowing that a painting can never fully capture the actual scenery or a song fully capture the mood or intentions of the composer
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should not stop us from painting, or from composing music realizing that no map can ever replace the territory should not lead us to giving-up cartography altogether only motivate us to become better cartographers there are good maps and map-makers and there are bad ones reading or making a good map can lead us to the same treasure as a physical walk through the territory the whole truth is that the map and the territory are ultimately only seemingly separate parts of the same, One , Non-dual Territory.

NIRVANA NOW
Tuesday, 17 October 2000

your “practicing” sounds like “rehearsing”, “planning”, “preparing”, "seeking" for the real thing which may or may not come in lovemaking, are you making love or practicing lovemaking? in eating, are you eating or practicing eating? in living life, are you practicing, rehearsing for life or living it? in “meditation practice” or "enquiry practice" are you practicing, seeking for results to come in time? if enlightenment means being here & now how can you “practice” or “prepare” for it? either you see it, or you don’t if you don't see it now, maybe you will see it later but you don't have to call your repeated attempts to see "a practice" - just re-trials if I am who I am, right now and here, and cannot be anyone else or anywhere else, how can I find my "self" through seeking or any kind of “practice”? of course “practicing” or "seeking" may be your way to live life and to express your current enlightenment if that’s what turns you on. try to drop the concept of “practice” or "seeking" for a while and see what happens.
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you may be able to live your life EXPRESS your enlightenment right now and here – without any further practice or delay. anything and everything you do may turn into "practice" and "meditation" "preparing" or "practicing" or "seeking" for enlightenment or for life, wisdom, "self-knowledge" may be taking one away from it practice “makes” perfect non-practice reveals ever-present perfection practice is becoming perfect non-practice is being perfect perfection is – it does not need any practice practice does not add one iota to the perfection that is (being) only makes promises about some perfection to be (becoming) Nirvana is now, in Samsara: perfect being-in-becoming, which is neither being nor becoming at all, just dancing.

WHY DOES IT TAKE AGES TO GET TO WHERE YOU ARE?
Tuesday, 17 October 2000

true enlightenment or self-realisation is seeing clearly through the illusion of the existence of I as a separate entity, thing or being located somewhere in time and space and realizing the paradox of I being an eternal, impersonal non-being right now and here this realisation takes no time, effort or practice at all but ages of great effort and struggle may pass before one finally gets it – quite suddenly and effortlessly.

ICONOCLAST’S BELIEFS
17 October 2000

you scratch my back and I scratch your back you destroy my beliefs, idols,
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(especially those I cannot see myself) and I destroy your beliefs, idols, (especially those you cannot see yourself) after all, what else are good friends for especially if they both profess to be lovers of truth, philosophers, iconoclasts? and after such radical purge the last belief to go is the belief in destroying beliefs. then there will be no more beliefs (idols) to destroy. JUST LET IT BE (OR DON'T)
Tuesday, October 24, 2000.

rejecting nothing, not even our perceived attempts at rejection, clearly seeing maps as maps, concepts as concepts, words as words, books as books, territory as territory, illusions as illusions, madness as madness, mountains as mountains, thoughts about mountains as thoughts about mountains, words about mountains as words about mountains, pictures of mountains as pictures of mountains, songs about mountains as songs about mountains, one's preference for songs over words or silence, or preference for maps (symbols) over the territory as one's own preference, truth as truth, lies as lies, symbols as symbols... that's all that we need to DO, just seeing what is what, which really does not need any "doing" (i.e. trying). irrespective of whether you do or not-do, reject or accept, think or not, talk or not, meditate or not, practice or not, struggle or not, compare or not, dissect or not, do what you may, WHAT IS JUST IS. just let it be and see it for what It is (or don’t). even if you don't it will be just the way it is, anyway.
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enjoy It (or don't).

CLEAR SEEING
Wednesday, 25 October 2000.

What is it exactly that a) is here and now b) you cannot see here and now c) but you wish, imagine or expect to see here and now, anyway? —seeing which would put an end to all your seeking? WHAT IS (here and now) can be seen very clearly by anyone, even a blind person, without any effort, special skill or talent. What cannot be seen (here and now) is what is not (here and now), and therefore exists only in our fantasy. But this fantasy is also here and now, and can be seen for what it is, here and now. Try and practice as you may, you will never be able to see here and now that which is not here and now. It is a delusion to think or believe that what you see here and now (reality, actuality, what is) can be otherwise as it is. It is a delusion to think that clear seeing can happen in "the future", in some "future time", perhaps through putting some more effort at seeing, or through some more practice, better or smarter practice, etc. All time is now. All this shit is happening here and now. Once one can see all illusions and delusions as part of what is happening, right now and here, clarity of current reality is inescapable, inevitable and unavoidable. What must I do in order to see clearly
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that which is here and now? Nothing at all. You are already seeing what is, as it is, right now and here. Future enlightenment is bullshit. Enlightenment is now. Disappointed? Are you still expecting something else to be here and now, instead of what is here and now? Then, I suppose, you will have to "wait" for the "future time", when you can see the futility of expecting anything, and can see only what is here and now, including the expecting.

IMPERFECT PERFECTION
Monday, 30 October 2000

Seeing what is requires no special talent, effort or practice, especially if one is not burdened by such ideas, ideals, idols as seeing duality or non-duality, reality or illusion, doing or non-doing, practicing or non practicing, being enlightened or endarkened, clear or unclear seeing, I or non-I that is seeing or doing this or that, etc. Any ideals you strive for (expect to come in the future) prevent you from seeing what is. You can decide to see what is (reality, actuality) as being the ideal, perfection itself, now and here. After all, if what is is the only way it can be, anyway, then why not see what is as perfect with all its apparent imperfections? The Absolute goes with and is entirely dependent on the relative, the relative goes with and is entirely dependent on the Absolute. Duality and multiplicity arise simultaneously and go together with Nonduality. VERBAL SANDCASTLES
Wednesday, 01 November 2000

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What did you do, when as a child playing in a sandpit someone (or the rain) shattered your sandcastles to pieces? Did you laugh, cry, got angry, started building again, or what? What do you do now, when as an adult playing some other games, one of these “nasty” Advaitic or Zenist or Nihilist iconoclastic “bullies”, kicks your beautiful verbal sandcastles to pieces? You would say “Thank you” and laugh. Especially if it is the “I” (ego) sandcastle. And continue playing (or not).

ABSOLUTE RELATIVITY
Saturday, 04 November 2000

In my opinion, all that Madhyamika, Advaita and any other monistic or nihilistic philosophy “proves” is that nothing, not even I, exists INDEPENDENTLY of it’s polar, dual “opposite”, and that all such perceptual and conceptual “opposites” are actually complementaries, absolutely relative, and inseparably dependent on each other. It does not prove that NOTHING EXISTS, or that I am not, or that I do not (or I does not) exist. Nothing depends on everything, I depend on non-I, subject on objects, nonduality on duality, two on one, one on many, reality on illusion, presence on absence, eternity (timelessness) on time, sound on silence, existence on non-existence, beliefs on the absence of beliefs, being on becoming, absolute on relative, this on that… and vice versa. They all arise and disappear simultaneously, they cannot exist without each other. The “proof” of all this is right now and here, in these words and beyond all these words.
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All this which is and all that which is not is a “cosmic” paradox, and can best be “expressed” in paradoxes, or in silence.

SCHIZOID TALK
Sunday, 05 November 2000

Hi. My name is Ivan and I am a schizophrenic. No human vices or virtues are unknown to me. I am not here to justify my “madness”, I am here to express it, if I may. There is some violence in my love, some clarity in my confusion, much stupidity in my cleverness, much wisdom in my folly, some subtle lies in any truths I may ever think or utter, some joy in my pain, a degree of sanity even in my deepest madness, a lot of sorrow even in my greatest joys, some fullness in my emptiness, total darkness even in the brightest light, and a deep silence in all the noises I make… If you think this is very confusing “wait’ until you meet my alter-ego – “he” is exactly the opposite to all of the above-mentioned nonsense and “uses” the very same name and body-mind. You may not always be able to see and tell what’s happening, the tug of war in this body-mind called Ivan, but “I” can. One part of the whole truth is that “I” am not my name, body, emotions, or mind, or any other names or properties ascribed to “me” by “me”, or by “you”… The other part of the whole truth is that I am all of the above, these are all just different names, labels and aspects of “me”, and the different roles “I” play,
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but I am also much “more” (or perhaps less?) than all those names, labels, aspects, and roles I play… I am none and all of what is happening, and also the awareness of all that is happening. Do you think you can really hurt “me” with your insults or flatter me with your praise? Think again. Do you think you are different from “me”? See deeper, beyond all appearances. Maybe one day “we” meet here as One. And that “one day” is already here, right now, eternally. What are you still waiting for? For a better “me” or better “you” to emerge, or better “time” or “place” to meet? CRY MURDER
Tuesday, 07 November 2000

Did your love-affair with Advaita, Taoism and Zen led you to a paralysing moral agnosticism and cowardice that you are mistaking for a freedom of expression, and to the conclusion that anything goes, and anarchy rules? Now that you are sooo enlightened, and One with the Universe, and, soo full of love, you think that you stand way-above such petty dualities as right and wrong, truth and lie, pettiness and profundity, drivel and wisdom, awareness and unawareness? Would YOU just stand by and silently watch, or walk away, if you saw someone abusing a child, or dog, or try to murder your mother? Of course not. Then how can you silently stand-by and watch how so many people around you abuse and murder their beautiful mother tongue this profound and priceless Advaita teaching for all kinds of petty, selfish, ignoble, personal ends and purposes, and you, too, unashamedly, join in the mob killings? And it’s not even my mother tongue that many of you are murdering here. Please wake up and express your “awakeness”. I am still hoping.

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DON’T HIDE YOUR LIGHT
Tuesday, 07 November 2000

Let those of you who truly KNOW stand up and be counted among those who KNOW. Don't hide behind false humility and clichés like "Those who KNOW don't speak..." Don't expect everyone to be psychic and know that you KNOW. Have the guts to tell us that you KNOW, and what you KNOW, even if it means to take some ridicule from those who cannot tell the difference between your KNOWING and their own ignorance. I am sick and tired today of this pussyfooting around the TRUTH, as if it was too fragile to be exposed for the fear of being ridiculed or silenced. Don't hide your light under any bushels anymore, or anywhere else. There are many who need to KNOW. Urgently.

IMAGINE NOTHING
Tuesday, 14 November 2000

imagine NOTHING nothing to think, nothing to do, nothing to strive for not even striving to imagine NOTHING no-one to imagine anything total oblivion – total freedom.

WHO THE HELL IS (AM) I?
Monday,

20 November 2000

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In awareness or unawareness, who is aware or unaware? In identification or dis-identification, who is identified or dis-identified? In doing or non-doing, who is doing or non-doing anything? In realization or non-realization of something, who is there / here / anywhere to realize or not realize? In enlightenment, who is here to be enlightened? etc. I? Who the hell is (or am) I? There is no such separate thing, entity, state, being or non-being, existing here / there / anywhere. Then how can such a non-existent entity be aware or not aware of anything, be identified or dis-identified from something, do or refrain from doing anything, realize or not realize something, be unenlightened or get enlightened, suddenly or gradually? Isn't "I" just another thought, namely “I”-thought, referring to nothing general or specific at all? What is - just is. What isn't - isn't. "I" isn't. Even saying "let it be the way it is" or saying "just see it – or be aware of it the way it is" is implying that there is “someone” or “something” who can "let it be" or not, "see something" or not “be aware” or notand there isn't any such entity, thing, being or non-being... The "I" and "other" (or “non-I”) perceptual and conceptual split is just a cognitive and linguistic convenience. NONDUAL LANGUAGE
Tuesday, 21 November 2000

What language would One who realized one’s essential oneness, unity with the Absolute Nondual One (i.e. ‘One , Single, Alone, without any opposite’) speak, to whom and why? This?: “John, would you pass me the salt, please?” or the usual ‘clumsy’ Advaitic jargon?:
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“Would the body-mind-process that goes under the label “John” temporarily overlook the undeniable fact that we are all One, that One is Void, that neither of us has any individual will and that all is perfect AS IT IS, here and now, and without any doing whatsoever pass to this not-really-desiring-anything (‘wanting nothing’) “aspect” of Impersonal Consciousness that I (in some seemingly ‘unaware times’ of this timeless and ever-present awareness) erroneously think I am, that round object (or rather ‘that process of swirling sub-atomic particles’) over there (or more precisely ‘eternally here and now’) commonly known in our inadequate and dualistic language as a “saltdispenser?” Can there ever be such perception, cognition or language as non-dual? Or, perhaps one can be able to see all perception, cognition and language as such?

IMPERSONAL NAMELESS PRESENCE
Saturday, 02 December 2000

Early in childhood the reification of personal “I” is created the illusion that “I” refers to something real and existing as a separate and independent object in space and time, identified with a particular body, emotions, mind, “spirit” or “soul”, an “object” that allegedly has its own independent volition… By arrogantly thinking that I can choose to do or not to do, see or not see, assert or negate, grasp or let go, hold-on or surrender, to be or not to be, etc. independently of the Whole Reality, the non-separate and illusory “I” strengthens and propagates the myth of it’s own separate existence… Asserting the non-existence of “I” as a separate entity or negating the existence of “I” as a separate entity only further strengthens the illusion of “I” as such… Neither “my” nor “your” presence or absence seeing or non-seeing asserting or negating grasping or letting-go attachment or detachment holding-on or surrender
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doing or non-doing being or non-being is possible or necessary in order for THIS REALITY to be precisely WHAT IT IS. WHAT IS is WHAT IS. TRUTH, REALITY is AS IT IS all-inclusive, i.e. including all our illusions, deceptions, contradictions, myths and lies about It. Impersonal Eternal Nameless Unspeakable Perfect Presence. Here & Now - and also There and Then. Everywhere and Nowhere… No offence, but THIS PRESENCE is present irrespective of “my” and “your” illusory personal presence, or absence.

FINAL SACRIFICE
Thursday, 14 December 2000

Bodhi Avasa wrote in NoDoer eGroup recently: Love is the first vibration to arise from emptiness, it is the original illusion for it is based upon the idea of separateness, an energy that flows from and to, its belief is that there is duality, "I" here (the lover) and "YOU" there (the loved) and immediately "WE" and "TIME" and "SPACE" come into illusive existence. In deep sleep Love cannot BE its ISNESS is NOT and finally this is seen, Love too must be transcended before that which is prior is fully rested in. The surrendering or sacrifice of Love is the ego's final death and when it has taken place there are no others, all is Self! The pain of letting go of this last gem IS the real death for nothing survives, all dies and arises anew as Nirvana which is exactly the same one as Samsara which was the illusion of a love within which loved the without. When Love is dissolved there is nothing in the body that it is realised within and in the same instant it is seen that there is nothing to be loved in anything, all now arises in nothing for no reason other than it does so, no purpose, no reason , not even Love. Aloneness cannot Love for it is everywhere it has nowhere to move towards being all things everywhere now in this eternal moment. Nothing is left and this cannot die, nor is it born, or does it exist in time. Love MUST pass away, it is the final sacrifice. Love is not. Nought remains and all that appears does so temporarily in this nought, the zero.
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Ivan’s reply: Dear Bodhi Avasa, Those of us who have been around for a while, seen a bit too deeply here and there, and perhaps got disappointed a few times too many, can appreciate the beauty and truth of your words. But why would LOVE be the final sacrifice? Surely LIFE itself is the final "sacrifice", and death is the final, total liberation and the only perfect unification? So, please let me know, Sir, do you think it is "safe" and "wise" to speak like this in a forum which is accessible to all kinds of unripe adults and life-drunk and bright-eyed children, still addicted to life? I have a deep Love and Respect for "your brand" of Nihilistic Wisdom, but I am not sure if it is really "suitable" for general audiences.

MY TRUE IDENTITY IS WHOLE EVEN IN FRAGMENTATION
Sunday, 17 December 2000

Everything "I" (the impersonal "I" - the Source of everything) perceive, think and talk, the "foreground" or "content" of my awareness is in the "realm of objective reality, duality or multiplicity (of objects, phenomena)", with "nonduality" “wholeness” as the unchanging but also objective "background" (or “foreground”?) to all that. My true identity "is" in the perceiving, thinking, talking "Subject", "I", "Self", "Awareness", "Source of all that is", not as a third "factor" or "entity" watching or opposing objectivity, but as "NONE" or "ALL" of that which is, i.e. the "impersonal subjectivity", which is paradoxically EVERYTHING / NOTHING, both "subjectivity" and "objectivity", or neither "subjectivity" nor "objectivity" the impersonal silence "beyond" all words, labels and descriptions, no-personal-self at all, total silence, emptiness, void, absent of any "me"... But when "I", "myself", "decide" to "do" anything, i.e. when "I" "decide" to look, see, feel, think, talk or write, i.e. just simply live, in my waking state, "I" always experience conceptualising, analysing, synthesizing, fragmenting, differentiating, integrating, disintegrating, discriminating, comparing, evaluating, manipulating, thinking, feeling, judging, re-arranging, building, maintaining, destroying, etc... In fact, that's all "I" can ever "do", and enjoy or suffer "doing", in "my" life...
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"I" don't think that "I" NEED to live or "do" anything at all, but if "I" decide that "i" (i.e. this body-mind) still "need" or "wish" to live, and also to "do" something, "i" also "need" to judge: "my" body, mind, feelings, actions, circumstances hopefully just as "fairly" and "objectively" as those of "other" people, things, circumstances... Hopefully, I am always fully "aware" of the ever-present impersonal silence "I" truly am, and the inevitability and futility of it all... My true identity remains one, whole even if "involved" in fragmentation and any judging... When I perceive, feel, think, talk and act, I cannot "avoid" being & acting in a realm of dualism. For me there are others, and there is "need" for judging. But I am still One, anyway, even in all the apparent duality and fragmentation.

EXTREME SUBJECTIVITY IS A WAY OF EXPRESSING OBJECTIVITY
Sunday, 17 December 2000

I sincerely hope that my criteria for judging others are the same as those for judging myself, i.e. that all my judging (of myself and others) is equally objective, impartial and impersonal - and fair – and I urge others to be and do the same. I don't always succeed (in being perfectly impartial, objective, impersonal and fair) but I always keep trying, sometimes by being extremely subjective. In order to achieve perfect objectivity, impartiality and fairness, I need, encourage and appreciate honest feedback from others - and keep (naively?) believing that most people will also need and appreciate mine. I see nothing wrong in exchanging observations about myself or other people, and about the relevant influences and circumstances, even in public, if necessary, providing it is done primarily for the love of Truth, for the sake of Truth, Goodness, Perfection, objectively and fairly, and not maliciously and irrationally to further one's own selfish interests or objectives...

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NEED FOR JUDGING, VALUES AND FOR HIERARCHY OF VALUES
Monday, 18 December 2000

In my opinion it is nearly impossible to live and survive as a human being without any perceiving, feeling, thinking... Thinking includes conceptualising, analysing, evaluating and judging... Of course conceptualising can often prevent one from "clear seeing", but also enhance it. In order to judge properly (rationally and accurately), one needs a system of values. Values are usually sorted-out in some hierarchical order, in order of desirability, enjoy-ability, survival value..., as more-less, better-worse, desirable-undesirable, safe-dangerous, healthy-unhealthy, pleasurable-painful... I cannot live, or even imagine living, in this world without judging myself, things, people, circumstances... without having some values. Can you, or anyone else?

MY INTERNET NONDUALITY

COMMUNICATION

WITH

CHRISTIANA

ABOUT

Monday, 18 December 2000

Christiana: See how delightfully quick our human identification peeks through? In your post to me and to Zoran, you speak of what is attempting to be maintained, what is being revealed and what is concealed... all from the reference of identity. Ivan's reply: When I perceive, feel, think, talk, share, act ... I cannot (and don't wish to) "avoid" thinking, talking & acting in the realm of phenomena and dualism, and yes: from my human identity and perspective. In this realm (of phenomena and "my" expressions about it) there will be always references to "me" and "not me", I and you, him and her, etc. in their full dualistic "glory" (or "fall", if you prefer such term). I will talk about the phenomenon known as "I", "me" and even "you" and "him" and "her" and "them" – with nonduality (Noumenon, Self, Brahman, God) as the nameless, silent,

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passive and permanent “background” (or “foreground”?) to all such phenomena, as well as "permeating all phenomena"... immanent AND transcendent; or NEITHER immanent NOR transcendent... The Absolute in-and-as the relative. I am afraid, I can only relate in and to the relative world (to ideas, things and people, including you) "dualistically": i.e. observing, thinking, analysing, maintaining, revealing, concealing, commenting, judging... perhaps, in some people's opinion, seemingly "fragmenting" the One which is Whole (and therefore cannot be fragmented) – knowing very well deep in my "bones" (or "heart" if you prefer) that "duality and fragmentation" is just another inseparable (simultaneously arising) aspect of the concept and the (pre-conceptual) reality of "nonduality and wholeness"... I don't know any language (except total silence) that can be said to be a true expression flowing "directly" from the Nondual Source, One, God - only statements ABOUT It – and I therefore decided to listen to Greg's and Dan's suggestion and see our "ordinary", "relativistic", "dualistic" language (seemingly issuing from my "human" mind or identity) as being an expression of the Absolute, Nondual One, instead of looking for the way the Nondual-Single-Alone-One, Omnipresent, God would speak, for the reasons why, and to whom... It's not so much the using of a politically correct 'nondual' language that I care about nowadays, it is the AWARENESS of the nondual in-and-as the dual, or the absolute in-and-as the relative... Christiana: There is no "condition" to earn or reject. There isn't even a notion of condition to label "unconditional". It seems here that it is merely the exquisitely alive pulse… the glue that binds and releases.., as Zohar says… the (ever-present) "homogenous field". Ivan: For “you”, maybe. For “me”, duality is just as "real" (or "unreal") as "non-duality". They arise and exist simultaneously. For me, the one "ever-present homogenous field" contains two, three, many, all... It is a PARADOX of ONE in-and-as MANY, or MANY in-and-as ONE,
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Unity in-and-as Diversity, Relative in-and-as the Absolute, All in-and-as Nothing... So, in this “world of mine”, some things are good, true, beautiful, lovable – other things are bad, false, ugly, impossible to love; some things we need to welcome and accept - others to reject... – and also there are no "things" to cling to at all, ever... Where exactly is this world where everything is a homogenous field and all seeming polarities are equally valid, equally valuable and significant – and where only Love is? If it exists, it must be here and now, in this world of such dualities as love & hate, good and bad, conditional & unconditional, binding & releasing... Christiana: That we tend to associate "heart" with "feelings", seems more a factor of our limited human translating mechanisms. Ivan: As I said many times before, I can only speak as a human being, from my "relativistic" human perspective, from my mind and heart, and can only "speculate" about how would I speak or love if I were God Himself (Herself or Itself)- - you know, the Non-dual-Absolute-Alone-GenderlessImpersonal-One, the One-without-any-second, and hope that my self-expression is getting closer-and-closer to His/Her/Its way of “speaking”, and that my will is “getting” aligned more closely with Her/His/Its Will all the time. In fact, I (secretly) believe that my will IS His will already, always – but, please, don't tell anyone, as I intend to continue speaking as if I was manifesting and expressing my own, human will, in a totally human and dualistic fashion. Perhaps I am "too old, lazy or stupid" to look for or learn any new (nondual) language, if there is such language anywhere at all... Christiana: As known here, the Stream does indeed have a “sense” of feeling, but it seems of a different order. Being unaccustomed to this infusion of the Stream, it tends to trigger associated (more limiting) memories of mind-body feelings. Ivan: "Known here" by whom? "Seems a different order" to whom? Who is the being “unaccustomed to the infusion of the Stream"? In whom or where are the "memories triggered"? etc. I would answer the above questions simply by saying: "by me", "to me", "me", "in me", "through me"… all referring to “me” or “I”… Of course what I mean by "I" and "me" could refer to something different
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in each of my utterances, and may therefore need to be explained a bit more, but for me, the "I" and the "me" (however imprecise without further explanation they may be) are still perfectly good words to use, for the dual “me” and even for The Nondual One, Self... Christiana: Perhaps, what we are embarked on through these inter-nets is placing our limitations on the line. Allowing the endless waves (male-female; reason/heart; wisdom/ignorance) of words as pointers to Essence, the freedom to crack open the precepts and percepts; and.… who knows… maybe evolve the human brain's capacitance for non-gender, non-bifurcated receiving. Ivan: Awareness of any bifurcation and fragmentation brings with it its own wholeness. Awareness of differentiation brings with it its own integration and synthesis. Therefore, in my opinion, there is no need whatsoever to ignore, reject or censor any gender, moral, perceptual, conceptual, emotive or any other kind of duality or plurality... in order to live in-and-as wholeness and non-duality. RESTING PLACE
Tuesday, 19 December 2000

I am beginning to suspect that the ultimate "resting place", "true peace" and "perfect unification" can only be found in death, after the dissolution of this tired old body, stupid mind and silly ego... Please believe me I am not contemplating suicide at all, just terribly weary of life and all it has to offer – and also weary of my idiotic belief that that which I am looking for can be found somewhere, by looking around and by travelling somewhere else to find it. I am very curious to see what's next - and this curiosity is the main thing that keeps me alive.

IN LOVE WITH WHATEVER IS
Saturday, 11 October 2002

when night’s darkness descends upon my lonely bedroom and no amount of artificial light can brighten my mood when no sound or noise can mask the all-pervasive silence and no idea whatsoever can pacify my mind
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when I know there is nothing and nobody to latch onto for security, comfort or happiness and feel that there is absolutely nothing worth thinking, saying or doing when the sense of life’s futility is my only companion and I accept things exactly as they are when I give up trying to change things to my expectations and relax into wanting nothing other than what already is only then I feel most alive and at peace – and, taking nothing for granted, I am in love with whatever is.

THERE IS NO ELSEWHERE
Saturday, 14 June 2003

right now and here in the foreground, before any seeking or effort, absolute peace, bliss, perfection is, eternally. perfect state of Knowledge, Consciousness, Bliss, Nirvana Itself, Ultimate Reality, All… is always available to all – especially to those who are willing to stop searching for It and believing they need to DO something to find It or deserve It. start thinking you need to do anything to get It, that It is somewhere else in time or space, and It, being ever-so-polite, gives way to the illusion that it is elsewhere... there is no elsewhere!

MY THOUGHTS ON ANGER
Wednesday, 16th March 2005

Unlike some lucky, timid or saintly people, I have had many encounters with expressed and suppressed anger and violence in my family, at school, in business, etc. and therefore my opinions are based on my own life experience, however “old-fashioned” they may appear to be. Isn’t it interesting to note that in the “bad-old-days” • when men were still thinking, walking, talking and fighting like men (i.e. in the nowadays considered “barbaric” times of duels and martial art combats) and man’s or woman’s honour was of so much importance that a real man was prepared to get hurt or die in defending it; • when man’s aggression was not seen as unwanted and unnatural, and something that he needs to be ashamed of, and psychoanalyzed out of his system;
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• when the only outlets for women’s aggression was mouth-to-mouth combat and throwing temper tantrums or soft toys at each other (with occasional murderous exceptions like Lucrezia Borgia) and not attempting to emulate men in aggression and physique, as they do nowadays in musclebuilding & female pro-wrestling; • when so few people were “sparing the rod” in disciplining their children, and corporal punishment and death penalty was a common sentence in courts; etc the incidence of neuroses, emotional repression and frustration, and even of such heinous crimes as we see in the modern, “morally advanced” and "civilized" society (e.g. baby rape) was unheard of? Although a free expression of one’s aggression –i.e. aggression unchecked by reason— can cause untold problems, repressed anger is known to be the cause of many serious psychosomatic illnesses and can result in an anger outburst inappropriate to the provocation… I believe that instead of denying and repressing it, aggression needs to be acknowledged, and approached with the same kind of RESPECT & CAUTION as one normally has towards contact with electricity or exposure to sun-rays: it must be properly UNDERSTOOD for what it is, CAUTIOUSLY approached, and FREELY expressed in small daily doses APPROPRIATE to the situation; it must be MANAGED in non-harmful ways, with great AWARENESS of and TOTAL RESPONSIBILITY for the consequences of one's actions… I also believe that today’s children need much more discipline than they are getting, and an occasional firm slap on the wrist, cheek, or backside to show them who is the boss, and what is right and wrong… Not out of anger or any kind of compulsion, but out of our deep concern and compassion for THEIR well-being. Finally, I strongly believe that a man should never hit a woman, and a man only very seldom, mainly in defence of one's honour, self-respect and dignity. But, as I said, my ideas are very "old-fashioned"... THINKING ABOUT NO-THOUGHT
Wednesday, 16 November 2005

no amount of thinking about no-thought or silence no desire to bring about the desired state is going to bring it about so what is one to do to make it happen? to “realize” that there isn’t “one” to realize anything at all, that the desired state is Here & Now, always, “before” or “behind” or “in front” of all desires and thoughts, and that no desire, time or doing is required to experience it
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WHAT IS THE POINT?
Wednesday, 16 November 2005

the point is: there is no permanent point anywhere

LIGHT & DARKNESS
Thursday, 17 November 2005

the Light that I eternally am can ignore Itself and create the illusion of it’s own absence – and that’s what is called “ignorance” or “darkness” or “un-enlightenment” TOTAL ACCEPTANCE
Friday, 18 November 2005

no more wishing for anything to be otherwise, including the occasional wishing to be so no more trying to be different to who I am, even when trying to be so just total acceptance of WHAT IS, as IT IS and of what I am, as I am, not just the way I think I am

LAST DESIRE
Thursday, 29.12.2005

The desire to have no desires is the last desire to go. TRUE SELF
Thursday, 29.12.2005

Who or what is the “I” that says “I am” or “I am not”? The One Impersonal Universal Eternal I, True Self that I truly am… TOTAL SILENCE
4.1..2006

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YOU cannot do anything to bring about Total Silence, because there is not “you” apart from It. You cannot DO anything to bring about Total Silence, because It is the absence of all “doing”. And you certainly cannot talk your way into It. Total Silence is not “my” property, It is not “my” Silence. Total Silence is not a destination that can be reached by “me” in some future time. It is eternally Here & Now: in the “absence of an individual “i” — And there is nothing “I” or “you” can do to find It.… HAPPINESS
4.1.2006

Happiness is not a destination – it is a way of travelling.

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