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My Thoughts

Ivan Frimmel

© Ivan Frimmel 2005

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Thursday, 09 December 1999

a few minutes ago

I experienced one of those wonderful,
silent and seemingly everlasting moments
when I had absolutely nothing to do:
everything seemed to be done, completed, still and perfect –
nothing left undone, nothing wanting to be done,
nothing to do, nowhere to go.

no fear, no worry, no unfulfilled ambitions, hardly any thought,

or sense of being, or time…
total silence that later seemed to have lasted an eternity.
as good as dead - and still very much awake.

then thoughts & time started creeping in again.

deep down, at the core of my being,

I felt as if I, time or space did not exist,
and that if "I" did anything at all,
even as much as moved my finger
or entertained any thought whatsoever,
"I" would only interfere with the perfection
that is all here & now,
and thus spoil it.

I am now painfully aware that

I am spoiling it by reflecting on it,
and that by thinking about it
”I” am "creating" the very “I”
that interferes with the perfection that Is.

in that almost perfect stillness I realised

that the world can go on perfectly well without "me",
and might even be a better place
without my pain-ridden body, ever-changing emotions and
silly thoughts, incessant questioning, criticising and complaining,
and all my unnecessary talking,
not to mention all my pointless and useless deeds,
and all the guilt and self-recrimination
that go hand-in hand with being the way “I” ususlly am.

what a fool I was most of my life thinking that the world needs me,
my so-called contribution, my so-called help.
what an idiot I was, hoping that I - or anything I can do -
would make any difference in the world.

now I can see very clearly that what I was doing most of my life
was violently interfering with the inherent perfection of this world,
unsuccessfully trying to fit my imperfect self into a perfect world.

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the only positive lesson I learned in my life
is that all my thoughts, feelings and actions were futile,
achieved nothing, led from nowhere to nowhere –
and that nobody cares a damn anyway.

I could also see very clearly how stuck I am in this modus operandi,
how keen I am to continue with my futile habits
and violent interfering for perpetuity.

usually not a moment of true silence,

only incessant commenting,
questioning and complaining.


the next question is welling-up already on the screen of my

consciousness, and demanding an answer.
let me type it out:

so, what do you do in times like that,

when you realise that you have nothing to do,
no role to play in this world, that nothing needs to be done?

I ask myself the above question.

that's a circular answer which leads nowhere, only back to the same

What is the answer to the question that can get you out of the

here it is:
What I must do is do nothing at all
and accept that there is nothing to do,
that I have no role to play - and relax into " doing" nothing,
without any desire to do something about it at all –
that's the answer!

Is it really?
If it was then why can't I shut up and really do nothing at all,
not even think about doing nothing?
How long do you intend to keep doing nothing?

Forever, if necessary,
or until something worth doing presents itself,
whichever comes first.

right now the only worthwhile "thing" that presents itself

as an example of "doing nothing" is this thinking and writing -
quite effortless.

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So, what exactly does it mean `doing nothing'?

It means exactly what it says.

Just doing what comes up – nothing more, nothing less or else,
effortlessly, in awareness.
When tired – sleeping. When hungry – eating.
When thinking - just thinking. When writing - just writing.
When daydreaming – just daydreaming.
No idea of what's to be done next, or a "doer".
No desire to do anything other than what "I" am "doing" now.

Waiting for what?

Not even waiting for anything. Just being. Being who I am.
Totally empty of all ideas about what is "my" role
or purpose in life, or how "I" am going to survive tomorrow.

Jesus said: `Have no thought for tomorrow' and

Let thine will be done, not mine.

No personal desire, no ambition, no interfering whatsoever,

with anything whatsoever,
which includes not interfering with my thoughts,
or with my interfering…

just pure non-being being, non-doing doing.

there is no way that any words "I" know can convey exactly
what wishes to be communicated here.

let's give up trying to do so.


Saturday, 30 September 2000

liberated from all desire to be liberated

remaining a hopeless slave to what is,
I am

having left behind all seeking after enlightenment

basking in the dazzling light of darkness
perfectly happy with not knowing everything

after courting order and consistency for years

finally married chaos and insanity

without any hope or fear

enjoying the coolness of heaven and the heat of hell
in the comic tragedy called life

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grasping neither after any thing nor after no-thing
enjoying everything as it comes, when it comes -
and letting it go as and when it wishes to go -
or stay, if it wishes to stay – who cares?

resisting nothing
especially not my own resistance

accepting everything
including my own non-acceptance

tolerant of everything
including my own and other people’s intolerance

finding joy in embracing all pain,

even the pain in joy

feeling like being inside even when outside

and outside even when inside.

just watching everything

including watchfulness,
I am.

leaking tap in my bathroom crying for recognition:

drip, drip, drip…

stupid dog outside my window

bravely chasing some shadows and its own fears away
with his nervous bark…

how nice it is to enjoy the freedom

of being a slave to what is.

Tuesday, 03 October 2000

naked existence parading seductively,

in sight, but just out of reach,
teasing us into a hopeless chase
after a mirage of happiness.

promises, promises, promises.

lifelong foreplay without any orgasm -

what an absurdity life is.

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Wednesday, 04 October 2000

we believe that
raw reality
needs some cooking in the mind
to be more digestible.

Thursday, 05 October 2000

seeing clearly
the futility of waiting for the cessation of waiting
non-waiting is.

seeing clearly
the futility of waiting for the arrival of non-doing
non-doing is.

Friday, 06 October 2000

let the last act of my will be

willing itself away.

Saturday, 07 October 2000

like a computer
our body-mind also has
Enter, Delete, Control, Help, Home, End… keys.

who or what is pressing them?


Monday, 09 October 2000

how cruel of me
finding pleasure in trying to provoke a response
from people who wish to be left undisturbed
and forcing them to think against their will.

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Tuesday, 10 October 2000

who ever said that

the Absolute is One, Nondual?

why can’t the Absolute be

Absolute Nihility, Duality, Trinity or Plurality?
or Absolute Relativity?

or Absolute Absurdity?

Tuesday, 10 October 2000

did you notice that

your loving
can be the cause of another’s hate
and that your desire to help
could be interpreted as trying to interfere

your free gift

could be bitterly resented
by those who cannot give or receive freely,
by those with suspicious minds,
by those who are proud and don’t wish to feel obligated -

or by those who are self-sufficient and satisfied with what they have?

Tuesday, 10 October 2000

patience brings some fruit

but unfortunately
often quite shrivelled or downright rotten.

if you wait long enough for something

you may not want it
or be able to enjoy it anymore
when it finally comes.

there is some merit in being a bit impatient in your patience.

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Thursday, 12 October 2000

anxiety comes
anxiety goes
but the sense of life’s futility lingers on

Thursday, 12 October 2000

"to be or not to be?"

can only be answered by asking
"do I have a choice?"
"who is the 'chooser' ?"
"who am I?"

you know that beggars cannot be choosers

don’t be a beggar – find the answer.

Friday, 13 October 2000

I can neither find any I

nor any appropriate word for that I which I am but can never find
because I am being I,
now & here
already and always

I ‘find’ I when I stop looking for I

and simply be I,
doing nothing at all about finding I
just being who I am
now and here
already and always

I can never see, feel, touch, hear, smell, find I

or want to be I
I can only be I
and express I
by being who I am
now and here
already & always

no more wanting

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nothing more to do, nothing more to say
now & here.

Saturday, 14 October 2000

or the mind can’t see
multiplicity as one –
only I can.

is truth in disguise –
the truth that I am not i.

Saturday, 14 October 2000

When all not-I is “gone” I am that which is,

I am that which I eternally am.

Who or what is that?

no-thing and everything.

Monday, 16 October 2000

knowing that a map is not the territory

is only part of the whole truth,
and certainly should not prevent us from making or using maps

a good map is to be cherished and honoured

long after the territory is known and the treasure found—
as a good teacher should be, long after the lesson is learnt

you’ll find that a good cartographer usually has a good, first-hand knowledge of
the territory,
and finds delight in the art of map-making -
both are revealed in the beauty and usefulness of the map

reading a good map can be either a great pleasure for its own sake
or for finding your way around the territory—
either way, the art of cartography should not be scorned at

like knowing that a painting can never fully capture the actual scenery
or a song fully capture the mood or intentions of the composer
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should not stop us from painting, or from composing music

realizing that no map can ever replace the territory

should not lead us to giving-up cartography altogether
only motivate us to become better cartographers
there are good maps and map-makers
and there are bad ones

reading or making a good map

can lead us to the same treasure
as a physical walk through the territory

the whole truth is that the map and the territory

are ultimately only seemingly separate parts of
the same, One , Non-dual Territory.

Tuesday, 17 October 2000

your “practicing” sounds like

“rehearsing”, “planning”, “preparing”, "seeking" for the real thing
which may or may not come

in lovemaking, are you making love or practicing lovemaking?

in eating, are you eating or practicing eating?
in living life, are you practicing, rehearsing for life or living it?

in “meditation practice” or "enquiry practice" are you practicing,

seeking for results to come in time?

if enlightenment means being here & now

how can you “practice” or “prepare” for it?
either you see it, or you don’t

if you don't see it now, maybe you will see it later

but you don't have to call your repeated attempts to see
"a practice" - just re-trials

if I am who I am, right now and here,

and cannot be anyone else or anywhere else,
how can I find my "self" through seeking or any kind of “practice”?

of course “practicing” or "seeking" may be your way to live life

and to express your current enlightenment
if that’s what turns you on.

try to drop the concept of “practice” or "seeking" for a while

and see what happens.

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you may be able to
live your life
EXPRESS your enlightenment
right now and here – without any further practice or delay.

anything and everything you do

may turn into "practice" and "meditation"

"preparing" or "practicing" or "seeking" for enlightenment

or for life, wisdom, "self-knowledge"
may be taking one away from it

practice “makes” perfect

non-practice reveals ever-present perfection

practice is becoming perfect

non-practice is being perfect

perfection is – it does not need any practice

practice does not add one iota to the perfection that is (being)
only makes promises about some perfection to be (becoming)

Nirvana is now, in Samsara:

perfect being-in-becoming,
which is neither being nor becoming at all,
just dancing.


Tuesday, 17 October 2000

true enlightenment or self-realisation

is seeing clearly through the illusion of the existence of I
as a separate entity, thing or being located somewhere in time and space
and realizing the paradox of I being an eternal, impersonal non-being
right now and here

this realisation takes no time, effort or practice at all

but ages of great effort and struggle may pass before one finally gets it –
quite suddenly and effortlessly.

17 October 2000

you scratch my back and I scratch your back

you destroy my beliefs, idols,

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(especially those I cannot see myself)
and I destroy your beliefs, idols,
(especially those you cannot see yourself)

after all, what else are good friends for

especially if they both profess to be lovers of truth,
philosophers, iconoclasts?

and after such radical purge

the last belief to go is the belief
in destroying beliefs.

then there will be no more beliefs (idols) to destroy.


Tuesday, October 24, 2000.

rejecting nothing,
not even our perceived attempts at rejection,
clearly seeing maps as maps, concepts as concepts,
words as words, books as books, territory as territory,
illusions as illusions, madness as madness,
mountains as mountains,
thoughts about mountains as thoughts about mountains,
words about mountains as words about mountains,
pictures of mountains as pictures of mountains,
songs about mountains as songs about mountains,
one's preference for songs over words or silence,
or preference for maps (symbols) over the territory
as one's own preference,
truth as truth, lies as lies,
symbols as symbols...

that's all that we need to DO,

just seeing what is what,
which really does not need any "doing" (i.e. trying).

irrespective of
whether you do or not-do, reject or accept,
think or not, talk or not,
meditate or not, practice or not, struggle or not,
compare or not, dissect or not,
do what you may,

just let it be and see it for what It is (or don’t).

even if you don't

it will be just the way it is,

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enjoy It (or don't).

Wednesday, 25 October 2000.

What is it exactly that

a) is here and now
b) you cannot see here and now
c) but you wish, imagine or expect to see here and now, anyway?
—seeing which would put an end to all your seeking?

WHAT IS (here and now) can be seen very clearly by anyone,

even a blind person,
without any effort, special skill or talent.

What cannot be seen (here and now)

is what is not (here and now),
and therefore exists only in our fantasy.

But this fantasy is also here and now,

and can be seen for what it is,
here and now.

Try and practice as you may,

you will never be able to see here and now
that which is not here and now.

It is a delusion to think or believe that

what you see here and now (reality, actuality, what is)
can be otherwise as it is.

It is a delusion to think that clear seeing

can happen in "the future", in some "future time",
perhaps through putting some more effort at seeing,
or through some more practice, better or smarter practice, etc.

All time is now.

All this shit is happening here and now.

Once one can see all illusions and delusions

as part of what is happening, right now and here,
clarity of current reality is inescapable,
inevitable and unavoidable.

What must I do in order to see clearly

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that which is here and now?
Nothing at all.

You are already seeing what is, as it is,

right now and here.

Future enlightenment is bullshit.

Enlightenment is now.

Are you still expecting something else to be here and now,

instead of what is here and now?

Then, I suppose, you will have to "wait"

for the "future time",
when you can see the futility of expecting anything,
and can see only what is here and now,
including the expecting.

Monday, 30 October 2000

Seeing what is requires no special talent, effort or practice,

especially if one is not burdened by such ideas, ideals, idols
as seeing duality or non-duality, reality or illusion,
doing or non-doing,
practicing or non practicing,
being enlightened or endarkened,
clear or unclear seeing,
I or non-I that is seeing or doing this or that, etc.

Any ideals you strive for (expect to come in the future)

prevent you from seeing what is.

You can decide to see what is (reality, actuality)

as being the ideal, perfection itself, now and here.

After all, if what is is the only way it can be, anyway,

then why not see what is as perfect
with all its apparent imperfections?

The Absolute goes with and is entirely dependent on the relative,

the relative goes with and is entirely dependent on the Absolute.

Duality and multiplicity arise simultaneously

and go together with Nonduality.

Wednesday, 01 November 2000

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What did you do, when as a child playing in a sandpit
someone (or the rain) shattered your sandcastles to pieces?
Did you laugh, cry, got angry, started building again, or what?

What do you do now, when as an adult playing some other games,

one of these “nasty” Advaitic or Zenist or Nihilist iconoclastic “bullies”,
kicks your beautiful verbal sandcastles to pieces?

You would say “Thank you” and laugh.

Especially if it is the “I” (ego) sandcastle.

And continue playing (or not).

Saturday, 04 November 2000

In my opinion,
all that Madhyamika, Advaita
and any other monistic or nihilistic philosophy “proves” is
that nothing, not even I, exists INDEPENDENTLY of it’s polar, dual “opposite”,
and that all such perceptual and conceptual “opposites” are actually
absolutely relative, and inseparably dependent on each other.

It does not prove that NOTHING EXISTS,

or that I am not,
or that I do not (or I does not) exist.

Nothing depends on everything,

I depend on non-I,
subject on objects,
nonduality on duality,
two on one,
one on many,
reality on illusion,
presence on absence,
eternity (timelessness) on time,
sound on silence,
existence on non-existence,
beliefs on the absence of beliefs,
being on becoming,
absolute on relative, this on that…
and vice versa.

They all arise and disappear simultaneously,

they cannot exist without each other.

The “proof” of all this is right now and here,

in these words and beyond all these words.

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All this which is and all that which is not is a “cosmic” paradox,
and can best be “expressed” in paradoxes,
or in silence.

Sunday, 05 November 2000

Hi. My name is Ivan and I am a schizophrenic.

No human vices or virtues are unknown to me.

I am not here to justify my “madness”,

I am here to express it, if I may.

There is
some violence in my love,
some clarity in my confusion,
much stupidity in my cleverness,
much wisdom in my folly,
some subtle lies in any truths I may ever think or utter,
some joy in my pain,
a degree of sanity even in my deepest madness,
a lot of sorrow even in my greatest joys,
some fullness in my emptiness,
total darkness even in the brightest light,
and a deep silence in all the noises I make…

If you think this is very confusing

“wait’ until you meet my alter-ego –
“he” is exactly the opposite to all of the above-mentioned nonsense
and “uses” the very same name and body-mind.

You may not always be able to see and tell what’s happening,
the tug of war in this body-mind called Ivan,
but “I” can.

One part of the whole truth is that

“I” am not my name, body, emotions, or mind,
or any other names or properties
ascribed to “me” by “me”, or by “you”…

The other part of the whole truth is that

I am all of the above,
these are all just different names, labels and aspects of “me”,
and the different roles “I” play,

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but I am also much “more” (or perhaps less?)
than all those names, labels, aspects, and roles I play…

I am none and all of what is happening,

and also the awareness of all that is happening.

Do you think you can really hurt “me” with your insults
or flatter me with your praise?
Think again.

Do you think you are different from “me”?

See deeper, beyond all appearances.

Maybe one day “we” meet here as One.

And that “one day” is already here, right now,

What are you still waiting for?

For a better “me” or better “you” to emerge,
or better “time” or “place” to meet?

Tuesday, 07 November 2000

Did your love-affair with Advaita, Taoism and Zen led you
to a paralysing moral agnosticism and cowardice
that you are mistaking for a freedom of expression,
and to the conclusion that anything goes, and anarchy rules?

Now that you are sooo enlightened, and One with the Universe, and, soo full of
you think that you stand way-above such petty dualities as right and wrong,
truth and lie,
pettiness and profundity, drivel and wisdom, awareness and unawareness?

Would YOU just stand by and silently watch, or walk away,

if you saw someone abusing a child, or dog, or try to murder your mother?
Of course not.

Then how can you silently stand-by and watch

how so many people around you abuse and murder their beautiful mother
this profound and priceless Advaita teaching
for all kinds of petty, selfish, ignoble, personal ends and purposes,
and you, too, unashamedly, join in the mob killings?

And it’s not even my mother tongue that many of you are murdering here.

Please wake up and express your “awakeness”.

I am still hoping.

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Tuesday, 07 November 2000

Let those of you who truly KNOW stand up

and be counted among those who KNOW.

Don't hide behind false humility

and clichés like "Those who KNOW don't speak..."

Don't expect everyone to be psychic

and know that you KNOW.

Have the guts to tell us that you KNOW,

and what you KNOW,
even if it means to take some ridicule from those
who cannot tell the difference between your KNOWING
and their own ignorance.

I am sick and tired today of this pussyfooting

around the TRUTH,
as if it was too fragile to be exposed
for the fear of being ridiculed or silenced.

Don't hide your light under any bushels anymore,

or anywhere else.

There are many

who need to KNOW. Urgently.

Tuesday, 14 November 2000

imagine NOTHING

nothing to think, nothing to do, nothing to strive for

not even striving to imagine NOTHING

no-one to imagine anything

total oblivion – total freedom.


Monday, 20 November 2000

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In awareness or unawareness, who is aware or unaware?
In identification or dis-identification, who is identified or dis-identified?
In doing or non-doing, who is doing or non-doing anything?
In realization or non-realization of something, who is there / here / anywhere
to realize or not realize?
In enlightenment, who is here to be enlightened? etc.


Who the hell is (or am) I?

There is no such separate thing, entity, state, being or non-being,

existing here / there / anywhere.

Then how can such a non-existent entity

be aware or not aware of anything,
be identified or dis-identified from something,
do or refrain from doing anything,
realize or not realize something,
be unenlightened or get enlightened,
suddenly or gradually?

Isn't "I" just another thought, namely “I”-thought,

referring to nothing general or specific at all?

What is - just is.

What isn't - isn't.
"I" isn't.

Even saying "let it be the way it is"

or saying "just see it – or be aware of it the way it is"
is implying that there is “someone” or “something”
who can "let it be" or not, "see something" or not “be aware” or not-
and there isn't any such entity, thing, being or non-being...

The "I" and "other" (or “non-I”) perceptual and conceptual split
is just a cognitive and linguistic convenience.

Tuesday, 21 November 2000

What language would One

who realized one’s essential oneness, unity with the Absolute Nondual One
(i.e. ‘One , Single, Alone, without any opposite’) speak, to whom and why?


“John, would you pass me the salt, please?”

or the usual ‘clumsy’ Advaitic jargon?:

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“Would the body-mind-process that goes under the label “John”
temporarily overlook the undeniable fact that we are all One, that One is Void,
that neither of us has any individual will and that all is perfect AS IT IS, here
and now,
and without any doing whatsoever pass to this
not-really-desiring-anything (‘wanting nothing’) “aspect” of Impersonal
that I (in some seemingly ‘unaware times’ of this timeless and ever-present
erroneously think I am,
that round object (or rather ‘that process of swirling sub-atomic particles’) over
(or more precisely ‘eternally here and now’)
commonly known in our inadequate and dualistic language as a “salt-

Can there ever be such perception, cognition or language as non-dual?

Or, perhaps one can be able to see all perception, cognition and language as


Saturday, 02 December 2000

Early in childhood the reification of personal “I” is created -

the illusion that “I” refers to something real and existing
as a separate and independent object in space and time,
identified with a particular body, emotions, mind, “spirit” or “soul”,
an “object” that allegedly has its own independent volition…

By arrogantly thinking that I can choose to do or not to do,

see or not see, assert or negate, grasp or let go,
hold-on or surrender, to be or not to be, etc.
independently of the Whole Reality,
the non-separate and illusory “I” strengthens and propagates
the myth of it’s own separate existence…

Asserting the non-existence of “I” as a separate entity

or negating the existence of “I” as a separate entity
only further strengthens the illusion of “I” as such…

Neither “my” nor “your”

presence or absence
seeing or non-seeing
asserting or negating
grasping or letting-go
attachment or detachment
holding-on or surrender

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doing or non-doing
being or non-being
is possible or necessary
in order for THIS REALITY to be
precisely WHAT IT IS.


all-inclusive, i.e. including all our illusions,
deceptions, contradictions, myths and lies about It.

Here & Now - and also There and Then.
Everywhere and Nowhere…

No offence, but THIS PRESENCE is present

irrespective of “my” and “your” illusory personal presence,
or absence.

Thursday, 14 December 2000

Bodhi Avasa wrote in NoDoer eGroup recently:

Love is the first vibration to arise from emptiness, it is the original illusion for it
is based upon the idea of separateness, an energy that flows from and to, its
belief is that there is duality, "I" here (the lover) and "YOU" there (the loved)
and immediately "WE" and "TIME" and "SPACE" come into illusive existence.

In deep sleep Love cannot BE its ISNESS is NOT and finally this is seen, Love
too must be transcended before that which is prior is fully rested in. The
surrendering or sacrifice of Love is the ego's final death and when it has taken
place there are no others, all is Self! The pain of letting go of this last gem IS
the real death for nothing survives, all dies and arises anew as Nirvana which is
exactly the same one as Samsara which was the illusion of a love within which
loved the without.

When Love is dissolved there is nothing in the body that it is realised within and
in the same instant it is seen that there is nothing to be loved in anything, all
now arises in nothing for no reason other than it does so, no purpose, no
reason , not even Love. Aloneness cannot Love for it is everywhere it has
nowhere to move towards being all things everywhere now in this eternal
moment. Nothing is left and this cannot die, nor is it born, or does it exist in
time. Love MUST pass away, it is the final sacrifice. Love is not. Nought remains
and all that appears does so temporarily in this nought, the zero.

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Ivan’s reply:
Dear Bodhi Avasa,
Those of us who have been around for a while,
seen a bit too deeply here and there,
and perhaps got disappointed a few times too many,
can appreciate the beauty and truth of your words.

But why would LOVE be the final sacrifice?

Surely LIFE itself is the final "sacrifice",
and death is the final, total liberation and the only perfect unification?

So, please let me know, Sir,

do you think it is "safe" and "wise" to speak like this in a forum
which is accessible to all kinds of unripe adults
and life-drunk and bright-eyed children, still addicted to life?

I have a deep Love and Respect for "your brand" of Nihilistic Wisdom,
but I am not sure if it is really "suitable" for general audiences.


Sunday, 17 December 2000

Everything "I" (the impersonal "I" - the Source of everything) perceive, think
and talk,
the "foreground" or "content" of my awareness
is in the "realm of objective reality, duality or multiplicity (of objects,
with "nonduality" “wholeness” as the unchanging but also objective
(or “foreground”?) to all that.

My true identity "is" in the perceiving, thinking, talking "Subject",

"I", "Self", "Awareness", "Source of all that is",
not as a third "factor" or "entity" watching or opposing objectivity,
but as "NONE" or "ALL" of that which is,
i.e. the "impersonal subjectivity", which is paradoxically EVERYTHING /
both "subjectivity" and "objectivity", or neither "subjectivity" nor "objectivity" -
the impersonal silence "beyond" all words, labels and descriptions,
no-personal-self at all, total silence, emptiness, void, absent of any "me"...

But when "I", "myself", "decide" to "do" anything,

i.e. when "I" "decide" to look, see, feel, think, talk or write, i.e. just simply live,
in my waking state, "I" always experience conceptualising, analysing,
fragmenting, differentiating, integrating, disintegrating, discriminating,
comparing, evaluating, manipulating, thinking, feeling, judging,
re-arranging, building, maintaining, destroying, etc...

In fact, that's all "I" can ever "do", and enjoy or suffer "doing", in "my" life...

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"I" don't think that "I" NEED to live or "do" anything at all,
but if "I" decide that "i" (i.e. this body-mind) still "need" or "wish" to live,
and also to "do" something, "i" also "need" to judge:
"my" body, mind, feelings, actions, circumstances hopefully just as "fairly" and
as those of "other" people, things, circumstances...

Hopefully, I am always fully "aware" of the ever-present impersonal silence "I"

truly am,
and the inevitability and futility of it all...

My true identity remains one, whole even if "involved" in fragmentation and

any judging...

When I perceive, feel, think, talk and act, I cannot "avoid" being & acting in a
realm of dualism.

For me there are others, and there is "need" for judging.

But I am still One, anyway, even in all the apparent duality and fragmentation.


Sunday, 17 December 2000

I sincerely hope that my criteria for judging others are the same as those for
judging myself,
i.e. that all my judging (of myself and others) is equally objective, impartial and
impersonal -
- and fair – and I urge others to be and do the same.

I don't always succeed (in being perfectly impartial, objective, impersonal and
but I always keep trying, sometimes by being extremely subjective.

In order to achieve perfect objectivity, impartiality and fairness,

I need, encourage and appreciate honest feedback from others
- and keep (naively?) believing that most people will also need and appreciate

I see nothing wrong in exchanging observations about myself or other people,

and about the relevant influences and circumstances, even in public, if
providing it is done primarily for the love of Truth,
for the sake of Truth, Goodness, Perfection, objectively and fairly,
and not maliciously and irrationally to further one's own selfish interests or

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Monday, 18 December 2000

In my opinion it is nearly impossible to live and survive as a human being

without any perceiving, feeling, thinking...

Thinking includes conceptualising, analysing, evaluating and judging...

Of course conceptualising can often prevent one from "clear seeing",

but also enhance it.

In order to judge properly (rationally and accurately), one needs a system of


Values are usually sorted-out in some hierarchical order,

in order of desirability, enjoy-ability, survival value...,
as more-less, better-worse, desirable-undesirable, safe-dangerous,
healthy-unhealthy, pleasurable-painful...

I cannot live, or even imagine living, in this world without judging myself,
people, circumstances... without having some values.
Can you, or anyone else?


Monday, 18 December 2000

See how delightfully quick our human identification peeks through?
In your post to me and to Zoran, you speak of what is attempting to be
what is being revealed and what is concealed... all from the reference of

Ivan's reply:
When I perceive, feel, think, talk, share, act ... I cannot (and don't wish to)
"avoid" thinking,
talking & acting in the realm of phenomena and dualism,
and yes: from my human identity and perspective.

In this realm (of phenomena and "my" expressions about it) there will be
always references to "me" and "not me", I and you, him and her, etc.
in their full dualistic "glory" (or "fall", if you prefer such term).

I will talk about the phenomenon known as "I", "me" and even "you"
and "him" and "her" and "them" –
with nonduality (Noumenon, Self, Brahman, God) as the nameless, silent,

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passive and permanent “background” (or “foreground”?) to all such
as well as "permeating all phenomena"...
immanent AND transcendent;
or NEITHER immanent NOR transcendent...

The Absolute in-and-as the relative.

I am afraid, I can only relate in and to the relative world

(to ideas, things and people, including you) "dualistically":
i.e. observing, thinking, analysing, maintaining,
revealing, concealing, commenting, judging...
perhaps, in some people's opinion, seemingly "fragmenting" the One which is
(and therefore cannot be fragmented) –
knowing very well deep in my "bones" (or "heart" if you prefer)
that "duality and fragmentation" is just another inseparable (simultaneously
arising) aspect
of the concept and the (pre-conceptual) reality of "nonduality and wholeness"...

I don't know any language (except total silence)

that can be said to be a true expression flowing "directly" from the Nondual
Source, One, God - only statements ABOUT It –
and I therefore decided to listen to Greg's and Dan's suggestion
and see our "ordinary", "relativistic", "dualistic" language
(seemingly issuing from my "human" mind or identity)
as being an expression of the Absolute, Nondual One,
instead of looking for the way the Nondual-Single-Alone-One, Omnipresent, God
would speak,
for the reasons why, and to whom...

It's not so much the using of a politically correct 'nondual' language

that I care about nowadays, it is the AWARENESS of the nondual in-and-as the
or the absolute in-and-as the relative...

There is no "condition" to earn or reject.
There isn't even a notion of condition to label "unconditional".
It seems here that it is merely the exquisitely alive pulse…
the glue that binds and releases..,
as Zohar says… the (ever-present) "homogenous field".

For “you”, maybe.

For “me”, duality is just as "real" (or "unreal") as "non-duality".

They arise and exist simultaneously.

For me, the one "ever-present homogenous field" contains two, three, many,
It is a PARADOX of ONE in-and-as MANY, or MANY in-and-as ONE,
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Unity in-and-as Diversity, Relative in-and-as the Absolute, All in-and-as

So, in this “world of mine”, some things are good, true, beautiful, lovable –
other things are bad, false, ugly, impossible to love;
some things we need to welcome and accept - others to reject... –
and also there are no "things" to cling to at all, ever...

Where exactly is this world where everything is a homogenous field

and all seeming polarities are equally valid, equally valuable and significant –
and where only Love is?
If it exists, it must be here and now,
in this world of such dualities as love & hate, good and bad,
conditional & unconditional, binding & releasing...

That we tend to associate "heart" with "feelings",
seems more a factor of our limited human translating mechanisms.

As I said many times before, I can only speak as a human being,
from my "relativistic" human perspective, from my mind and heart,
and can only "speculate" about how would I speak or love if I were God Himself
(Herself or Itself)- - you know, the Non-dual-Absolute-Alone-Genderless-
the One-without-any-second, -
and hope that my self-expression is getting closer-and-closer to His/Her/Its way
of “speaking”, and that my will is “getting” aligned more closely with
Her/His/Its Will all the time.
In fact, I (secretly) believe that my will IS His will already, always –
but, please, don't tell anyone, as I intend to continue speaking
as if I was manifesting and expressing my own, human will,
in a totally human and dualistic fashion.
Perhaps I am "too old, lazy or stupid" to look for or learn any new (nondual)
if there is such language anywhere at all...

As known here, the Stream does indeed have a “sense” of feeling, but it seems
of a different order.
Being unaccustomed to this infusion of the Stream, it tends to trigger
associated (more limiting) memories of mind-body feelings.

"Known here" by whom? "Seems a different order" to whom?
Who is the being “unaccustomed to the infusion of the Stream"?
In whom or where are the "memories triggered"? etc.

I would answer the above questions simply by saying: "by me",

"to me", "me", "in me", "through me"… all referring to “me” or “I”…

Of course what I mean by "I" and "me" could refer to something different
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in each of my utterances, and may therefore need to be explained a bit more,
but for me, the "I" and the "me" (however imprecise without further
explanation they may be)
are still perfectly good words to use,
for the dual “me” and even for The Nondual One, Self...

Perhaps, what we are embarked on through these inter-nets is placing
our limitations on the line. Allowing the endless waves (male-female;
reason/heart; wisdom/ignorance) of words as pointers to Essence, the
freedom to crack open the precepts and percepts; and.… who knows…
maybe evolve the human brain's capacitance for non-gender, non-bifurcated

Awareness of any bifurcation and fragmentation brings with it its own
Awareness of differentiation brings with it its own integration and synthesis.

Therefore, in my opinion, there is no need whatsoever to ignore,

reject or censor any gender, moral, perceptual, conceptual, emotive
or any other kind of duality or plurality...
in order to live in-and-as wholeness and non-duality.

Tuesday, 19 December 2000

I am beginning to suspect that the ultimate "resting place",

"true peace" and "perfect unification" can only be found in death,
after the dissolution of this tired old body, stupid mind and silly ego...

Please believe me I am not contemplating suicide at all,

just terribly weary of life and all it has to offer –
and also weary of my idiotic belief that that which I am looking for can be
found somewhere,
by looking around and by travelling somewhere else to find it.

I am very curious to see what's next - and this curiosity is the main thing that
keeps me alive.


Saturday, 11 October 2002

when night’s darkness descends upon my lonely bedroom

and no amount of artificial light can brighten my mood

when no sound or noise can mask the all-pervasive silence

and no idea whatsoever can pacify my mind

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when I know there is nothing and nobody to latch onto for security, comfort or
and feel that there is absolutely nothing worth thinking, saying or doing

when the sense of life’s futility is my only companion

and I accept things exactly as they are

when I give up trying to change things to my expectations

and relax into wanting nothing other than what already is

only then I feel most alive and at peace –

and, taking nothing for granted, I am in love with whatever is.

Saturday, 14 June 2003

right now and here

in the foreground,
before any seeking or effort,
absolute peace, bliss, perfection is, eternally.

perfect state of Knowledge, Consciousness, Bliss,

Nirvana Itself, Ultimate Reality, All… is always available to all –
especially to those who are willing to stop searching for It
and believing they need to DO something to find It or deserve It.

start thinking you need to do anything to get It,

that It is somewhere else in time or space,
and It, being ever-so-polite,
gives way to the illusion that it is elsewhere...

there is no elsewhere!

Wednesday, 16th March 2005

Unlike some lucky, timid or saintly people, I have had many encounters with
expressed and suppressed anger and violence in my family, at school, in
business, etc. and therefore my opinions are based on my own life experience,
however “old-fashioned” they may appear to be.

Isn’t it interesting to note that in the “bad-old-days”

• when men were still thinking, walking, talking and fighting like men (i.e.
in the nowadays considered “barbaric” times of duels and martial art combats)
and man’s or woman’s honour was of so much importance that a real man was
prepared to get hurt or die in defending it;
• when man’s aggression was not seen as unwanted and unnatural, and
something that he needs to be ashamed of, and psychoanalyzed out of his

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• when the only outlets for women’s aggression was mouth-to-mouth
combat and throwing temper tantrums or soft toys at each other (with
occasional murderous exceptions like Lucrezia Borgia) and not attempting to
emulate men in aggression and physique, as they do nowadays in muscle-
building & female pro-wrestling;
• when so few people were “sparing the rod” in disciplining their children,
and corporal punishment and death penalty was a common sentence in
courts; etc

the incidence of neuroses, emotional repression and frustration, and even of

such heinous crimes as we see in the modern, “morally advanced” and
"civilized" society (e.g. baby rape) was unheard of?

Although a free expression of one’s aggression –i.e. aggression unchecked by

reason— can cause untold problems, repressed anger is known to be the cause
of many serious psychosomatic illnesses and can result in an anger outburst
inappropriate to the provocation…

I believe that instead of denying and repressing it, aggression needs to be

acknowledged, and approached with the same kind of RESPECT & CAUTION as
one normally has towards contact with electricity or exposure to sun-rays: it
must be properly UNDERSTOOD for what it is, CAUTIOUSLY approached, and
FREELY expressed in small daily doses APPROPRIATE to the situation; it must be
MANAGED in non-harmful ways, with great AWARENESS of and TOTAL
RESPONSIBILITY for the consequences of one's actions…

I also believe that today’s children need much more discipline than they are
getting, and an occasional firm slap on the wrist, cheek, or backside to show
them who is the boss, and what is right and wrong… Not out of anger or any
kind of compulsion, but out of our deep concern and compassion for THEIR

Finally, I strongly believe that a man should never hit a woman, and a man only
very seldom, mainly in defence of one's honour, self-respect and dignity.

But, as I said, my ideas are very "old-fashioned"...


Wednesday, 16 November 2005

no amount of thinking about no-thought or silence

no desire to bring about the desired state
is going to bring it about

so what is one to do to make it happen?

to “realize” that there isn’t “one” to realize anything at all,

that the desired state is Here & Now, always,
“before” or “behind” or “in front” of all desires and thoughts,
and that no desire, time or doing is required to experience it

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Wednesday, 16 November 2005

the point is: there is no permanent point anywhere


Thursday, 17 November 2005

the Light that I eternally am can ignore Itself

and create the illusion of it’s own absence –
and that’s what is called “ignorance” or “darkness” or “un-enlightenment”

Friday, 18 November 2005

no more wishing for anything to be otherwise,

including the occasional wishing to be so

no more trying to be different to who I am,

even when trying to be so

just total acceptance of WHAT IS, as IT IS

and of what I am, as I am,

not just the way I think I am

Thursday, 29.12.2005

The desire to have no desires

is the last desire to go.

Thursday, 29.12.2005

Who or what is the “I” that says “I am” or “I am not”?

The One Impersonal Universal Eternal I, True Self that I truly am…


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YOU cannot do anything to bring about Total Silence, because there is not “you”
apart from It.
You cannot DO anything to bring about Total Silence, because It is the absence
of all “doing”.
And you certainly cannot talk your way into It.

Total Silence is not “my” property,

It is not “my” Silence.

Total Silence is not a destination that can be reached by “me” in some future
It is eternally Here & Now: in the “absence of an individual “i” —

And there is nothing “I” or “you” can do to find It.…


Happiness is not a destination – it is a way of travelling.

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