FRIENDSHIP JOKES ☻Everyone hears what you say... Friends listen to what you say... Best friends listen to what you don't say... ☻Friends are like stars. You can't always see them, But you know they are always there for you... ☻Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart. ☻As long as we have memories, yesterday remains; as long as we have hope, tomorrow awaits. As long as we have Friendship, each day is never a waste. ☻Good frenz are like quilts... it never loses its warmth... ☻GOD is so wise that he never created FRIENDS with price tags, Because..... if He did, I can't afford a precious FRIEND like YOU!!! ☻thE tEst oF fRiEndsHip dOseN't cOmeS wHen u R 2GethEr. It cOmEs wHeN u ParT waYs & u ReaLizE tHat dEsPitE tHe dIsTanCe, thE fRiEndshIp iS sTilL tHeRe... ☻True friends are like Diamonds... they are real and rare. False friends are like leaves... they are scattered everywhere. ☻FRIENDSHIP isn't how U forGet but how U forGive, Not how U liSten but how U UnderStand, Not what U see but how U feel, and not how U Let Go but how U hold oN!!! ☻FriEndSHiP iS A PRiCeLeSs GiFt tHaT cAn'T Be BoUgHt Or SoLd, BuT To Have An UnDeRsTaNdiNg FriEnd iS FaR MoRe WoRtH tHaN GoLd~! ☻If you need advice, text me... If you need a friend, call me... If you need me, come to me... If you need money... ........... THE SUBSCRIBER CANNOT BE REACHED! ☻FRIENDSHIP is like a tree... It is not MEASURED on how TALL it could be, but is on how DEEP the ROOTS HAVE GROWN... ☻In this WORLD, where everything seems UNCERTAIN, only one thing is DEFINITE. You'll always be my FRIEND, beyond WORDS, beyond TIME & beyond DISTANCE! ☻I believe in angels, the kind that heaven sends. I'm surrounded by angels but I call them my best friends. ☻Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was choice, but falling in love with you was completely out of my control. ☻A memory lasts forever, and never does it die. True friends stay together and never say good bye. ☻The ship that will never sink is my friendship with you. ☻I met U as a stranger, I leave U as a friend, as long as the world stands, our friendship nv ends. All friends nv split N even if they do they will meet again. ☻I always thought loving some1 was the greatest feeling, but I realised tat loving a friend is even better, we lose ppl we love but we never lose true friends.

☻EveRyDay I seE LoTs oF StRangErS PasSiNg By mE, ThiS mAkeS mE reAlisED tHat, LifE woUlD be BORING, WiThoUt A FriEnD LiKE U... ☻We gain and lose things every day. But trust me on one thing: YOU WILL NEVER LOSE ME! I will always be there as a friend! ☻A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart. ☻The times we shared is like shooting star... the time is short but really beautiful moments.... Forever engraved in our hearts.... Friends forever~!!! ☻We've known each other by CHANCE, became friends by CHOICE, still friends by DECISION. And when we say FRIEND FOREVER, that's definitely a lifetime PROMISE! ☻If friends were flowers I would not pick you! I'll let you grow in the garden & cultivate you with love and care so I can keep you as a friend 4ever!! ☻A ring is round and has no end.... and that's how long I'll be your friend. ☻There is a gift that gold cannot buy, a blessing dats rare & true, dats the gift of a wonderful friend like the friend dat i have in u! ☻Wat u see as truth wat u see as lies remember that true friendship never dies although we may change & drift apart, ill always value u deep within my heart! ☻A friend is never a coincidence in your life, they are meant to enter your life to bring you joy and laughter. So, i will treasure the friendship between us. ☻If you are in trouble, If you need a hand, Just call my number, because I'm your friend! ☻Whenever I see your smiling face, I have to smile myself, because I like you, you're my friend!!! ☻Nostalgia is not what it used to be. ☻Those who think that things happen too fast are expected in a bank or a post office! ☻Make your life a house your heart can live in. With a door that is open to receive friends. And a garden full of memories.... of many good things. ☻You cannot buy friendship, you can earn it. If someone comes for help, be a true friend ! ☻A friend is always welcome ... Early in the morning or late at night. Time is of no importance ... When it concerns real friendship!! ☻Friendship is a wonderful word, it might be the most beautiful one on earth. Friendship is something powerful, a gift of great value! ☻No gold or precious stones ... give us happiness and peace, friendship and its warmth ... will bring it to us

☻There is a big difference between friendship and a rose... Roses last only a while ... but friendship is for ever ☻I asked God 4 a flower, he gave me a garden. Asked 4 a tree, he gave me a forest. Asked 4 a river, he gave me an ocean. Asked 4 a friend, he gave me you ☻Friends are like stars... you don't see them all the time, but you know they're there! ☻Life is not easy and it will never be, but you've got friends and one of them is me ... ☻I must have been born under a lucky star , to find a friend as nice as you are. I will follow the rainbow to the end , if you promise to remain my friend !!! ☻When friendship is deeply rooted, it is a plant that cannot even be uprooted by a storm.... ☻My "aim" in life is: die young when I am very old. ☻When you are lazy, you cannot help it. When you are tired, that is your own fault. ☻A friend is someone who knows when you need her... ☻A ring is round and has no end, so is my love for you my friend. ☻If my head looks like yours, I'd shave my rear end and walked on my hands. ☻Mirrors should be able to think before reflecting the images. ☻A friend is someone who knows the song of your heart and who can sing it for you when you have forgotten it ☻Friend: someone who tells you things while you are alive, things that others tell after you die ☻You can eat and drink together, talk and laugh together, enjoy life together, but you are only real friends when you also cried together. ☻Wherever you go, whatever you do, may god's angels watch over you. ☻Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver the other gold. ☻A little clown is living in my heart. Small and very special. It can dance and jump, laugh and sing. Are you in pain and you need to cry, come and borrow it! ☻I would not call myself important, but I am convinced that when I was not born, everyone would like to know why. ☻The only good thing about your own mistakes, is that is might make other people happy. ☻Not the lack of love, but the lack of friendship makes marriages unhappy. ☻A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart. ☻The times we shared is like shooting star... the time is short but really beautiful moments.... Forever engraved in our hearts.... Friends forever~!!! ☻KeEping a FRIEND is As Difficult AS losing one. U sacrifice A lot To keep them. I may not have sacrificed enuf 4 u... but in

I have to go to a funeral.I'm protecting u. but the lack of friendship makes marriages unhappy. When i'm alone. When i'm beside u i'm there for u.. ill always value u deep within my heart! ☻A friend is never a coincidence in your life. ☻Not the lack of love. You get lazy. is that is might make other people happy. became friends by CHOICE. but I am convinced that when I was not born. I would not call myself important. Feel better when somebody Loves u. that is not possible. ☻I was a beautiful baby. when i'm behind u.but it is sweeter when its TRUE! But u know what? Its sweetest when its you. And when we say FRIEND FOREVER.. but my friendship with u will never die.I'm thinking of u. they are meant to enter your life to bring you joy and laughter. ☻A friend gives hope when life is low. But they switched my in the hospital. So. ☻A ring is round and has no end. tears may dry. But feel best when somebody never forgets u. . years may fly. a friend is true. I wanted to know the people I work for. ☻The only good thing about your own mistakes. ☻Flowers need sunshine. you might start loving life. me or your life? I will say: my life… You will walk away from me without knowing that U R MY LIFE!!! ☻Feel good when somebody Miss u.. i will treasure the friendship between us. that's definitely a lifetime PROMISE! ☻If friends were flowers I would not pick you! I'll let you grow in the garden & cultivate you with love and care so I can keep you as a friend 4ever!! ☻When i'm walking in front of u. a blessing dats rare & true. I'm watching over u. ☻A new meeting next month ? Sorry. ☻I visited the tax office. The only type he knew was his blood type.4 my HEART I swear I'm keeping U. ☻Happiness is a disaster. ☻We've known each other by CHANCE. A friend is precious a friend is u. and that's how long I'll be your friend. still friends by DECISION. a friend is honest. violets need dew. ☻One day u will ask me: What is more important to you.. ☻A friend is sweet when its new…. everyone would like to know why. dats the gift of a wonderful friend like the friend dat i have in u! ☻Wat u see as truth wat u see as lies remember that true friendship never dies although we may change & drift apart. all angels in heaven know I need u. When you do not pay attention. ☻There is a gift that gold cannot buy. ☻He was very lonely. a friend is a place when you have nowhere to go.

u got the intelligence and u sure got the body. a day 2 love them. Please report to your nearest hospital to be put down. If hugs were leaves. "Broccoli . ☻Always draw a circle around the ones you love. but there is always a rough draft before the final copy. but circles are never ending. FUNNY JOKES ☻Costly Perfume An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when a young. it beems to be special breed. ☻People live People die People Laugh People Cry Some give up Some will try Some say hi Some say bye Others may forget YOU but never will I. True friends stay together and never say good bye. but then an entire life 2 forget them.49 cents a pound. wrong number! ☻Of all the gifts. $200 an ounce!" About three floors later. big and small. live on ur cheeks & die on ur lips!!!!! ☻If u r a chocolate ur the sweetest. I will give u sea. she looks both beautiful women in the eye. born in ur eyes. the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator.I am lucky to have spent less than half my life finding you & wish to spend the rest keeping you. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly. Before she leaves. yes. and never does it die. 5. 2 stop rembering u. that's how long I'll be your friend!!! ☻The morning is just a few moments away. ☻If I were to be anything in this world….If u luv a planet. ☻A memory lasts forever. We apologize for any inconvenience. If u are a Star u r the Brightest. beautiful woman gets into the elevator. remember me as a friend who is always there for you and never let you down ☻Yes. u got sex-appeal. Wait. and since u r my ―FRIEND‖ u r the ―BEST‖!!!!!!!!! ☻A special friend is rare indeed. perfect friends r very few. an hour 2 appreciate them. ☻The NHS regrets to inform you that your birth was an accident. I can be conceived in ur heart.. ☻They say it takes a minute 2 fine a special person. I‘d be ur tears!!!… So. I will give u a galaxy. Sorry. your friendship is the greatest of them all. Go to sleep and when you wake up. "Chanel No. ☻When God opened the window of the Heaven He asked me: What is your wish for today? ―I said : please take special care of the person reading this!!!!!!!‖ ☻Time might lead me to nowhere and faith might break into pieces but I will always be THANKFUL that once in my life‘s journey we became FRIENDS! ☻It takes half our life to find true friends & half of it keeping them. if friendship is life I will give u mine. ☻In my life I learned how… 2 love 2 smile 2 be happy 2 be strong 2 work hard 2 be honest 2 be faithful 2 forgive but I couldn‘t learn how. smelling of expensive perfume. ☻U got style. I will give u a tree. ☻A ring is round and has no end. then bends over and farts and says. God made you first." . $150 an ounce!" Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator. if u r a Teddy Bear u r the most huggable. and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying.5 ☻If kisses were water. never draw a heart because hearts can be broken. so lucky I m for having you. "Romance" by Ralph Lauren.

And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent. When you're out of the office. When doing something without being told. When your boss does it. it belongs to the railway company/. When you make a mistake. he's too busy. I want to speak to Annie Wan! Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this? Caller: I'm Sum Wan . When you apply for leave. Caller: No. When your boss does the same thing. he's being co-operative. When your boss pleases his boss. i mean to ask you. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. you must be going for an interview. When your boss makes a mistake. When your boss is a day off sick. When your boss doesn't do it. Rightnow. can i take this train to new delhi? station master: no madam. you're wandering around. he's on business. When you're on a day off sick. Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this! Caller: You are so rude! Who are you? Operator: I'm Saw Lee. The guy askes the doctor. When your boss applies for leave. you're being bull-headed. When your boss takes a long time.''I can clearly see you're nuts.6 Difference between you and your boss When you take a long time. you're overstepping your authority. i'm afraid it's too heavey . that's initiative. he's being original. A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only Saran Wrap. Now give me your name! lady: is this my train? station master: no madam. When your boss skips a few rules. you're being rude. you're always sick. you're lazy. When you overlooked a rule of etiquette. he's only human. it's because he's overworked. ''What do you think is wrong with me?'' The doctor replied. can I speak to Annie Wan ? Operator : Yes. he's being firm. lady: don't try to be funny. When you don't do it. Operator: I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about? Caller: Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother. Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. you're an idiot. you can speak to me. you're slow.'' CHINESE JOKE Caller : Hello. he's thorough. When you take a stand. you're apple polishing. When you please your boss. Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital. he must be very ill. When your boss is out of the office.

Joe. the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says. the door closes. . I dont understand what these people use to do during day time? ☻If you can't change your mind. The husband gave his wife a gift . The plane moves faster and faster down the runway.get out! We don't want your type in here" ☻A priest." Later. so I know what I would have smelled of. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off. one of these days. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here" ☻A dyslexic man walks into a bra ☻A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please. and two men walk up the aisle. But at that moment. No pain.so he gave her one! ☻Four fonts walk into a bar.a tombstone. are you sure you still have one? ☻Did you ever walk into a room and and forget why you walked in? that's how dogs spend their lives." ☻Galileo used 2 study in smal lamp. searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane. the plane lifts smoothly into the air. they're going to scream too late. ☻A woman walked into a fancy cocktail bar and asked the barman for a "double entendre" . "You know. screams of panic fill the cabin. Shakspeare used 2 study in street light. and one for the road.Cold As Ever. a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar.7 A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary. but the men enter the cockpit. Graham Bell used 2 study in candle light." ☻Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication. that it will plow into the water. and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. The passengers begin glancing nervously. None is forthcoming. with the inscription: "Here LIies My Wife . ☻I only use de-oudourant under one arm. One is using a seeing-eye dog. ☻I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week. The entrance opens. ☻I'm not into working out. Up in the cockpit." ☻A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin. and we're all gonna die." ☻Blind Pilot Passengers on a plane are waiting for the flight to leave. phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs. and the engines start. on which the inscription read: "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last. the furious wife bought a return present . Both are wearing dark glasses. "Is this some kind of joke?" ☻A sandwich walks into a bar. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.also a tombstone. My philosophy: No pain. dressed in pilot uniforms. ☻Did you hear about the idiot who walked around the world? He drowned. The barman says "Oi . The barman says.

I'd put U and I together. They'll clean it.... but when they lit a fire in the craft. for they are subtle and will whiz on your computer. you've got the harbor . ☻ I'd explain it to you. busy dog. put it on a hanger. what color does it turn? ☻ Just because you're paranoid. ☻Why were males created before females? Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.yep. but your brain would explode.. a dog.. 1 was caught watching tv. Bush orders 15. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. way dog.. ☻Don't spend £2 to dry-clean a shirt. is dog.. ☻ Why'd the couple stop after 3 children? Cos they heard every fourth child born is chinese. God made women and then no one rested ☻The longest sentence known to man: "I do. They work best when open. it doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you. for dog. ☻ I wonder if you choke a smurf.Does that mean my job is a crime? ☻This dog. keep dog.000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. tat's how u. ☻ You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. lick you. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this ☻Crime doesn't pay. . ☻ It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.. ☻ What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool.. Now beam up my clothes. what say we tie up for the night? ☻If I could rearrange the alphabet. wanna move my tongue all over you. Today is not your day. ☻I want to suck you. seconds dog! . it sank. to dog." ☻CNN News. ☻ My Reality Check bounced. ☻ Do not meddle in the affairs of cats. an dog.eat an ice cream! ☻ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.. ☻ Lightyears ahead! Just a phonecall away! ☻Very funny Scotty. 20 dog. Next morn buy it back for 50p. Now read without the word dog. proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. ☻I can please only one person per day.8 ☻Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. ☻News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo.wanna feel you in my mouth.. anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac? ☻ I've got the ship.. ☻ Minds are like Parachutes. good dog.. another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message ☻God made man and then rested... Tomorrow isn't looking good either. ☻Do you ever notice that when you're driving... idiot dog..

One says to the other.. a wedding ring. and suffering ☻How Dogs and Women are alike. ☻What do you call a handcuffed man? . Neither can balance a checkbook. ☻A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.T. ☻What's the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing plant ☻Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? ☻A: Run like hell. "Do you know how to drive this thing?" ☻What is the difference between a woman and a magnet? Magnets have a positive side! ☻The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.. ☻If you jogged backward .E. ☻Why don't men often show their true feelings? . what? ☻WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind! ☻What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet? The 1977 World Hide and Seek Champion. 1 ☻What's the difference between a man and E. ☻Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.. ☻Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back ☻As a computer.. . ☻Two goldfish are in a tank.Trustworthy.Because they don't have any. aim for their bodyguards. I find your faith in technology amusing ☻Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. ☻What is the thinnest book in the world? What Men Know About Women. ☻Q: What does a blonde owl say? A: What.? ..T. But first. Both put too much value on kissing. Neither believe that silence is golden... phoned home.she's got a hand grenade in her mouth. ☻Marriage is a three ring circus: an engagement ring..9 ☻Do chickens think rubber humans are funny? ☻There cannot be a crisis today. would you gain weight? ☻Did you hear about the new Chinese Cookbook being sold only at pet stores? "101 Ways to Wok Your Dog" ☻Aim for the stars.. my schedule is already full.

wrinkled and hangs oot yer trousers??? Yer Gran! ☻What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Honey.10 ☻Why was Phillip's girlfriend annoyed? Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV. he shoots. ☻ A chicken sandwidch walked into the bar. ☻For sale : Twin beds. ☻Whats the definitoin of suspicion? A nun doing pressups in a cucumber field. ☻Whits pink. ☻I'm late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn't come back for a day and a half. ☻How many men do you need for a mafia funeral? Only one. . HE SCORES!! ☻Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high. ☻Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with a whore? A: An f****ing know it all. ☻What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle. the other screwed Majors ☻Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? A: Her IQ goes up. one hardly used. ☻Why doesn't Jesus eat M and M's? Cos they fall through his hands. ☻Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh! ☻What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? You don't. ☻I like Kids. we don't serve food here". ordered some food and beer. The bartender says: "Sorry. Never happens. ☻Q: Why was the leper caught speeding? A: He couldn't take his foot of the accelerator. But I don't think I could eat a whole one. I'm home! ☻What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A bitch who knows everything. ☻ Why do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf. To slam the car boot shut. A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries. ☻Jesus saves. you've told her twice already! ☻What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie? One screwd the miners. ☻How do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot of his head. ☻Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll? A: We don't know.

.. put you flower in your pipi… ☻Don`t drink water. but better for boy to park meat in girl. it's too little to be out on it's own!!!! ☻Sex is like programing.. a dog..?? ... seconds dog! . lick you.. to dog. wanna move my tongue all over you...... good dog..Does that mean my job is a crime? ☻This dog.ERROR: Your penis was not found! Sorry. she loves me. ☻Jesus loves you. Now read without the word dog... idiot dog.....000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. it's too little to be out on it's own!!!! ☻It is good for girl to meet boy in park. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. way dog.. ☻News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo." ☻CNN News.... ☻Never let a man's mind wander. and YOU WILL HAVE TO SUPPORT IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE… ☻Their are moments in life when you really miss someone... then can we just practice? ☻I took an IQ test and the results were negative. do you want to have my children? No.. another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message ☻God made man and then rested. and I love myself too... ☻Do you ever notice that when you're driving.... we are so perfect..... put it on a hanger.... ☻I think drinking and driving is terrible..Okay. tat's how u. ☻I want to suck you..wanna feel you in my mouth....yep. keep dog...... for dog. 1 was caught watching tv.. . ☻My girl and me.. They'll clean it..... God made women and then no one rested ☻The longest sentence known to man: "I do. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this ☻Crime doesn't pay. ☻Why were males created before females? Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy. because fish fuck in it! ☻Hi! Please stand by while this program enlarges your penis....... 20 dog. ☻Hi... Next morn buy it back for 50p.11 ☻Never let a man's mind wander. everyone else thinks your an asshole… ☻If you wanna be a hipi.eat an ice cream! ☻ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.... One mistake. an dog. busy dog. anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac? ☻Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? A:About 45 pounds!! ☻Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO? A: There have been sightings of UFOs. Bush orders 15.. And you wish you could just pluck them from your dreams. ☻Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt.. You always spill it when you change gears.. is dog...

talking about it or thinking about it? ☻You with your beautiful eyes.. i put my doner card in by mistake. A flower can kiss a butterfly. ☻What did the elephant say to the naked man? How do you breathe through that thing? ☻What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive? Popeye beat the crap outta him.Wine can kiss a frosted glass. Employee: Who's there? Boss: Not you anymore. o. you with your nice hair. ☻A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. John came fifth he won a toaster ☻A girl phoned me the other day and said. so I'm calling in dead.. sorry."Come on over. ☻What's the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle? If Rotty starts humping your leg. You can telephone for free from now on! ☻It's important to find a man who has money. wrong number ☻You‘d better not be a dayfly and not having your day. The rate is determined by the length of your genitalia. the less you pay.a man who is great in the sack. ☻You should know what it takes to look this cheap! ☻You used to be so ugly that your mother had to tie a steak around your neck. it cost me an arm and a leg! ☻Hey can u do me a favour. you with your fantastic body . a man who adores you.Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant. What part will you leave out. let it finish.. ☻I've used up all my sick days. the shorter they are.100 million people r sleeping & 1 stupid fool is reading my text!pass on ☻The rain makes all things beautiful.12 ☻There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. It's also imprtant that these 3 men should never meet! ☻A man can kiss his wife goodbye." ☻Boss: (to employee) . If rain makes all things beautiful why doesn‘t it rain on you? . ☻Your provider adjusted his rates." I went over. i'm playin cards n i'm missin the joker!! ☻Hey friend remember dat without stupidity there can be no wisdom & without ugliness there can be no beauty… so the world needs YOU after all! ☻Jesus says to John come forth ill give you eternal life.But u my friend can kiss my ass! ☻i tried to call you from a payphone last night. Knock. Nobody was home ☻At dis moment in time 10 million people r having sex.The grass & flowers 2. there's nobody home. otherwise even the dog would not play with you ☻You will have to cut back on your sex live. take a pic of urself n send me it. Knock..5 million people r drinking coffee. He slides up to the bar and says: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.

a cat. a fox in the closet... 60% is having sex. for cat.. It is proven statistically that at that age only few people die. seconds cat! Now read it all without the word cat! ☻This is the telephone terrorist team. unless you are ugly." .U lauf i lauf. use both sides. idiot cat. that incredible body. then the suffering. Your mobile will be disabled. . a cat. I thin I have forgotten this before.maybe you are just not sexy?.try again. And after sex? boy.suck my dick and do it quick. then the wedding ring. I found them between my brests! ☻At this moment i have a déjà vu and a loss of memory at the same time. ☻This is your boss: "You are allowed to read the newspaper during the working hours and do certainly not miss the job adds.. what vagina looks like? Before sex: a pink rose with soft lovely pelats and perfum aroma.... way cat. While receiving this message a virus will be activated. just like everyone else.. Born Free. . and a numbskulll to pay for this all... a bull in bed.. but that is enough about me.hey don't force it ugly!!! ☻Those beautiful eyes. busy cat. 20 cat. ☻Are these your eyes. is cat.U jump out of da window. and do it fast. ☻This cat. 19% is watching television and one yokel is now holding his mobile in his hand ☻A woman likes to have four animals in the house: a jaguar in front of the doorway. tell me how you are? ☻We cannot grant you a life insurance policy because you are already 102 years old. keep cat. Laziness pays off NOW! ☻First the engagement ring.U cry i cry. nice smile . ☻Bad sex is better then a good day in school.. to cat. "I do not understand. I look down & den. a sexy mouth. ☻Always remember you're unique. This virus should have infected your mobile by now. ☻Hard work has a future payoff. ☻I get enough exercise just pushing my luck! ☻Sorry.. . ☻Conserve toilet paper.Taxed to Death. . good cat..again. I don't date outside my species. ☻Dad.13 ☻i want u 2 know dat our friendship means alot 2 me.. have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise! ☻Kiss my ass... i lauf again ☻20% of the population is now drinking coffee.one more time." ☻This sms can only be read by someone SEXY:. such a brain.

.. the eggs... You got the BRAINS. I do not want ..WAIT!!!!!.Please wait. and you were a flower.. What we want.I kill people for money. The worst kind are those who think that they are doing things. God also created woman and thought : ‗I hope she will make herself up‘! ☻HALLO.But because you are my friend.T ☻I am not your type ... .. I can't find a brain. I am blond!!! B .00 item that she does not need..00 for $. You got SEX-APPEAL.. ☻Excessive use of alcohol can lead to a pregnancy.. I make few bad creations but you are the worst monster I ever realised.. Your parents paid the medical expenses for your birth with their accident insurance.Still searching...... is not allowed! ☻When I was a dog..... sorry I will leave..Searching. ☻You are never too blond to learn !!! ☻You got STYLE.......L .. but yes.. he does not want . ☻E man pays $. ☻Hello.. a woman pays $.. hard-boiled or impregnated? ☻I am a killer. no brain found !!! ☻What he want... God created the woods...N . There is no particular problem...... I am not inflatable.Searching.00 item that he needs.. ☻For you I would go as far as the end of the world... My apologies on behalf of the whole world..1.... God created you too. this is GOD.. the earth.2. Do you promise to stay here ?" ☻God created the earth. ☻How would you like your egg for breakfast. nature. and you sure as hell got the BODY.1....O .. I just wanted to leave your pocket.. What I want.2..SORRY..Sorry.I'll kill you for nothing! ☻I am not stupid. man and saw that it was good and beautiful. I walked over you and gave you a shower!! ☻You are an unwanted child..wrong number ☻You have the ones that think and you have the ones that do things... even God makes mistakes! ☻God created the universe.. this is your mobile.... want the smell is unbearable!!! ☻Hello I am a virus and I am entering your brain right now.14 ☻We will now upgrade your brain.00 for a $.

. perfect taste....... look he is working! ☻In case of fire read this message.. keep them." ☻My mother in law walks five miles every day.. ☻Nice perfume....... SARDAR JOKES ☻Top 10 sardar inventions☻ 1) The water-proof towel 2) Solar powered torch 3) Submarine revolving door 4) A book on how to read 5) Inflatable dart board 6) A dictionary index 7) Ejector seat in a helicopter 8) Powdered water 9) Pedal-powered wheel chair 10) Water-proof tea bag .. 2 for anal.. my parents-in-law were not able to have kids. Hey.I SAID IN CASE OF FIRE YOU FUCKING IDIOT!! ☻It is charming. 4 for a trio.an animal in bed and it knows one French word .... extremely good.. If your father. In twenty years you can prove that you have not changed a bit.... ☻If you have picture where you look old.. MOI!! ☻Love me or leave me.. ☻If being ugly would hurt.. it must be you. ☻I like to compare you with a nice cold glass of beer.. beautiful colour. smoke all day and people say . your mother and your brother are not Chinese. " Wild and romantic ? " "No. 3 for normal.15 ☻I know why I am single..where is everybody going ☻Mobile sex: push 1 for oral. really perfect and when the glass is empty i just take the next one! ☻I once sniffed Coke... but the icecubes blocked my nostrils.. you are not fit enough to travel.. incredibly handsome.... 5 for SM and for everything . horny.. dial my number! ☻My feelings for you are like the sea. ☻Ik would like to be a volcano.... I wonder where she is at this moment. they make me sick. ☻If you really ressemble the picture on your ID... you would be in pain all day long... well shaped..... but do you really need to marinate in it? ☻One out of four people is a chinese.....

I could never eat twelve pieces. hindu. hanuman ji was his follower so hanuman ji was also hindu. usko kya pata ☻Q: What do you call a surd in an institution of higher learning? A: A visitor." Q: Why did 18 sardarjis go to a movie? A: Because below 18 was not allowed !!! Q: How do you keep a surd busy? A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper. what do you call a sardar who drinks only beer? just-beer singh.16 ☻Once there were four guys . he replied "I just can't do any better. please. what would punjabi international airlines be called? kitthe pacific. the next day three miles. what would national airlines be named? itthe pacific. The matter of their arguement was the religion of hanuman ji. pata hai ki cinema hai lekin voh to janwar hai. Q: A surd ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. Q: How do you measure a surd's intelligence? A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in his ear! . Then the foreman asked the sardar why he kept painting less each day.hanuman). Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can. what is history of punjab called? sarson-da-saga. At this the sardar ji got angry and said "Jo insaan kisi doosre ki bewee (wife) ke liye apni poonch mein aag lagwa sakta hai." ☻A sardarji goes to the see Jurassic Park and when the Dinosaurs start approaching he is swetting in his seat when his friend asks him 'kyon sardarji. the following day less than a mile. First of all Hindu came forward and said Ram ji was hindu . A: "Six.superman.wo sardar ke siwa koi nahi ho saktaa" ☻what is a sikh scuba diver called? jal-andhar singh. On his first day he painted six miles. kya baat hai? Dar kyon lag raha hai cinema hi to hai??' Sardarji replies 'Aadmi hoon aur akkal hai. Then the muslim guy quickly responded at this and said hanuman is a muslim name jaise rehman suleman waise hi hanuman. The christian guy said no it is an english name just like heman and superman (heman.sikh and christian. what do you call a sardar who has only one drink? just-one singh ☻Paint the highway☻ A sardar was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of a highway.muslim.They all started an arguement about hanuman ji.

Q: Why do men like surd jokes? A: Because they can understand them. Q: Why do surds work seven days a week? A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday. Q: What do you call a surd with half a brain? A: Gifted! Q: What do you call a surd in a tree with a brief case? A: Branch Manager.he's got a hand grenade in his mouth. Q: Why did god give surds 2% more brains than horses? A: Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during parades. Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A: A surd parade. Q: SOMEONE ASKED IF A SURD BELEIVED IN SMOKING. Q: How do you keep a surd in suspense? A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.. It's off. They're born that way. Q: How did the surd try to kill the bird? A: He threw it off a cliff. Q: What do you do when a surd throws a hand grenade at you? A: Pull the pin and throw it back. how can you steal his window seat? A: Tell him the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row. Q: A surd going to London on a plane. Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN A SURD THROWS A PIN AT YOU? A: Run like Hell. It's on.) Q: Why can't surds make ice cubes? A: They always forget the recipe. Q: What do you call 10 surds standing ear to ear? A: A wind tunnel. Q: How do you make a surd laugh on Saturday? A: Tell him a joke on Wednesday. Q: What's the difference between a surd and a computer? A: You only have to punch information into a computer once. Q: What is the surd doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears? A: Trying to hold on to a thought. It's off.. It's on. It's off. Q: What did the surd do when he noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency? A: He turned it over and used the other side.17 Q: Why do surds wear their hair up? A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads Q: HOW DO YOU KEEP A SURD BUSY ALL DAY? A: Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner. Q: What does a surd say when you ask his if his blinker is on? A: It's on. .. Q: How do you confuse a surd? A: You don't. Q: Why did the surd stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? A: Because it said 'concentrate'.

. A: I don't have to think. says the Sardarji. so I did the next best thing. . my zip code keeps changing.) A: He takes a Xerox of the white paper !!! Q: THINK about it.. I put a mailbox in my car. How's that working?" Sardar. "I figure its because when I'm driving around. I haven't gotten any letters yet.lock kar doo ? Sardarjee replies Ha ji lock kar do. "Saab main bhi yehi socha lekin jab train nazdeek aayi to voh saala bhagnay laga". All this long the passengers are shocked and upon the next stop complain to the Station Master. "Actually. ☻Kaun Banega Crorepati☻ Once a sardarji is selected to play the Kaun Banega Crorepati game with Mr Bacchan. Q: What surdarji will do if he wants a white paper ? (he already has one and he wants one more. and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me. please hand over the cholestrol which the company offered free with purchase of this pack". drives it into the nearby field and back on to the rails. Sardar." Psychiatrist." Q: What Surdarji will do after taking Xerox ? A: He will compare it with the original for spelling mistakes. "Don't you have a phone in your car?" Sardar. ☻One day a sardarjee entered my provision store and asked for a packet of butter. he replied " don't think I will get fooled by you shopkeepers. Mr Bacchan " Mubarak ho Aap ek hazaar rupye jeet gaye". He paid for the butter and was handed over the butter He waited for sometime. But the SM retorts "To toone ek aadmi ke liye itnee logon ki jaane mushkil main daali. On asking him what else he wanted." Psychiatrist." ☻This Sardarji is driving a passenger train when all of a sudden he gets the train off the tracks.sure ? Sardarjee .. abe saale le jaana tha uske upar say". "Uh . I'm surd !! Q:) why does a sardar smile during lightning? A:) He thinks his photograph is being taken! Q:) Why did a sardarji took a binocular to a funeral? A:) Because it was a close friend of sardarji..18 A: He said "Yes. Mr Bacchan asks the Sardar "Aap ek hazaar rupye jeetne ke liye taiyaar hain" Sardarji replies " Haanji bilkul taiyaar hain" Mr Bacchan says " Aapka pehla sawal " Aapka naam kya hai ?" Sardarji replies "Balwinder Singh"..Oh jee 100% sure Mr Bacchan asks ... I've seen it done. He was handed over with the packet which had the caption cholestrol free written on it.. "That was a little too expensive. Mr Bacchan asks . "Saab main theekh hee chala rahatha jab main ne dekha ke ek aadmi tracks par khada hai"." Psychiatrist. An angry SM confronts the Sardar who says.. Mr Bacchan says "Ab aapka doosra sawaal" Mr Bacchan asks the second question . "And why do you think that is?" Sardar."Aap ke pitaji ka naam kya hai ?" After thinking for quite some time the Sardarji says " Are atleast chaar options to do" ☻A Sardar is speaking to her psychiatrist. "I'm on the road a lot.

they were on their honey moon and they were to visit Mumbai and delhi. Again Pathan came and opened it with one kick and said " Pathan Sher ka bachcha hai" This time sardar was to angry he asked pathan "oye muzhe ek gal bata. They had to go to delhi the next day." All of them moved towards the Deck where a japanese came forward and shouted "Long live japan" and jumped into the sea." repeated the attendant. One newly married couple came there. We need to give sacrifice and I need three people to sacrifice their life so that rest of us can be saved. The next day the couple saw the sardarji in front of lal kila in Delhi and was filling the same form.19 ☻A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. we are in trouble because of God's being angry with us. Jai Hanuman" "jai Sri Ram. Of course I know what 'UFO' means. Jai siva-sankar. "Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered. bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. 'Unleaded Fuel Only. the couple went to the sardarji and asked "tusi ki karte piyo (what are you doing?"the sardar ji replied my son is just born I am filling his birth certificate ". his young Sardar attendant just filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off. After an hour sardar was busy in opening his lunch box. Jai baba nanak di" "Jai jawan jai kissan " and finally yelled at the top of his voice "Bharat mata ki jai" And Kicked the pakistani standing next to him in the sea. "So?" "Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!" The attendant rolled his eyes." said the attendant. The ship became slow and finally came to a grinding halt. Pathan came and opened the suitcase & said " Pathan Sher ka bachcha hai" and went off . paralyzed with shock. ☻Once a cruise ship carrying people from all the nations was going on a around the world' tour when it got grounded. the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big. Captain of the ship called an emergency meeting and told the passengers. But he could not opened it. "Yeah." ☻Once one sardar and one pathan were traveling in one train. boss! I've been working here for five years. After some time sardar was trying to open door of toilet but he couldn't . Sardar was trying to open his suitcase to take out his night dress." repeated the Sardar attendant. the couple went again to the Sardarji and asked "what are you doing here"? Sardarji replies "I am filling my son's birth certificate " the couple says "but you were filling the same form in Mumbai yesterday " The sardarji now irritated replied "Can't you see it is written fill in Capital" ☻The Exam☻ . "So?" "Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!" "Yeah. Jai maa Durga. sat sri akaal" "wahe guruji da khalsa. "Friends. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence. wahe guruji di fateh" "Jai maa Kali. opened the box & said "Pathan Sher ka bachcha hai" and went off . "So?" "Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!" "Yeah. teri ma jungle gayi thi ya sher tere ghar aaya tha?" and went off. " Jo bole-so-nihal. Then a Israeli jew stepped forward said "Hellulaja" and dived into the sea. After that no one came forward for few seconds while people stared at each other and suddenly out of nowhere a Sardarji came forward near the railing and chanted. Pathan came. But he was unable to open it. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection in fact. ☻One day one sardar was standing outside the gateway of India in Mumbai. "Good grief.

. During the last few minutes. swearing and sweating. all the other boys were shorter than me. today we had a Spelling Class . Later after two days." replies his father. Next day . But he decides to tell people that it is a boy and not a girl!!!! At the naming ceremony of the child. he childs nose is also like that of the sardar. but I knew the whole thing. that's because you are intelligent. "Are bhai.. Italian : Only two miles. He answers in a COOL way. "I am rechecking my answers and am not able to tally them with what I wrote. running or praying to God. today we had Math class ." ☻ Once a Sardar was going to his office. Is that because I am Sardar?" No son. please pass the spoon".He is very upset as he expected a boy. Is that because I am Sardar ??" . he is seen desperately throwing the coin. Is this because I am Sardar ??" No son. within one and a half years he gets a baby girl. crying. The invigilator. I finished the exam in half and hour". the sardar tells them that its a boy!!! The two sardarji friends tell the father of the child that the eyes of the new born child are like him. I have got the experience of swimming even more. on his way to the office. ☻Bantu returns from his first day at school and immediately questions his father. I was atleast twice their height. " Bantu seeming content with the answer." Dad. At the beginning of the lunch it was announced that every thing which is to be asked will be asked in a poetic way. A person sitting next to sardar said to his partner "Mr. alarmed. two of his sardarji friends look at the child for the first time..Y for Heads and N for Tails. he says.All the other kids could only say half the alphabet. Italian : Just tell me which side. stares at the question paper for five minutes. aaj to choice hai"!!!!!! ☻Once a sardarji marries a girl. he noticed a banana peel and exclaimed " sala aaj bhi phisalna hoga". "Oye. They ask the father sardarji the reason for this. removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet . In the end he said to his partner "you bastard... Just then a Italian asks the nearby Sardarji in the ship.20 Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination which consists of Y/N type questions. Dad. today we had Medical Examination. There was a sardar also.All the other kids could only count from 1-10. The Italian jumps off the ship into the sea and comes up to the layer to ask something again. Suddenly the new born baby urinates on one of the sardar friends. from here ? Sardarji : Two miles . He takes his seat in the examination hall. Then why are these fools making noise.. "But yaar". He thought a lot for a simile for custard but couldn't find one. Dad. that's because you are intelligent. you said the babys eyes and nose are like me.. the Titanic is going to be drowned. ☻Once many people from around the world were invited at Queen Victoria's residence for lunch. is land two miles from here ? Sardarji : Downwards . pass the custard". approaches him and asks what is going on. Happy with the answer. Bantu poses another question to his father. I could count from 1 to 20. On the way he slipped on a banana peel and was badly hurt. and then in a fit of inspiration takes his wallet out. Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. Now the sardar wanted custard. As told earlier. Tibutboon. he noticed two banana peels and exclaimed" ari sala . Alas they are shocked to see that it is a baby girl.. So something should be like its mother also SAMJHE KYA?" ☻"Help. asks his father another question.. Italian : How far is land."☻ Everybody in the ship is shouting. hey take out the nappy to clean the baby.

* sells the car for gas money. he turns around and goes home.' said the digger. Kennedy's mother. One was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them in again. The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos." ☻A sardar was recently hired at an office. ☻You should be sure the person is Sardar when he: * puts lipstick on the forehead because he wants to makeup his mind." The Sardarji left smoking! ☻Sardar's Planting Trees☻ A passerby watched two sardarjis in a park. * studies for a blood test and fails."Airport left". He remembered kennedy's speech and he told the crowd that he had slept with only one woman other than his wife and challenged the people to guess who the person was. He toured the entire united states and before returning he visited Washington D. Eager to do well on the first day on the job. ☻A sardarji once went to america. then finally replied. During his speech Kennedy told the crowd that he had slept with only one other woman than his wife and challenged the crowd to guess who she was." "Oh good!" the sardar sighed in relief. one of his friends claimed that he can make the Sardarji a chainsmoker. * takes a ruler to bed to see how long he slept. hesitated a few seconds. * misses the 44 bus. ☻There was this Sardarji who was a non-smoker. It was a hundred bucks bet. When the crowd gave up he promptly told that it was his mother. this friend claimed that he can de-addict Sardarji but for two hundred bucks. 'Usually there are three of us. "No son. His Friend brought a pack of WILLS (cigarette) and told Sardarji that it was an abbreviation for "Women in London Love Sadars" (WILLS) The Sardarji loved the concept and started smoking and soon became a chainsmoker. "Yeah. Today Balwant is off. * tries to drown a fish in waters. Now it was a turn of another of his friends.21 The father replies. Balwant plants the tree saplings and Gurpreet fills in the hole. This Friend also brought the Sardarji a pack WILLS (Cigarette) but told the Sardarji what WILLS if reversed (SLLIW) stands for "Sardars Look Like Indian Women. 'Tell me. and takes the 22 twice instead. When the crowd gave up the surd said. * trips over a cordless phone. * sends a fax with a postage stamp on it. 'What on earth are you doing?' 'Well. It looks like about six cups to me. "Then give me two regular. His first task was to go out for coffee. and two decaf. two black. * gets locked in Furniture Shop and sleeps on the floor. he grabbed a large thismos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. * gets stabbed in a shoot-out. that's because you are 31 years old. "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" the sardar asked. The crowd went wild and the surd was very impressed. because he is ill.C to hear John F.' said the passerby. * drives to the airport and sees a sign that said. When he came back a party was thrown in honor of him and he was asked to give a speech. I dig the hole. but that doesn't mean Gurpreet and I get the day off! . He held up the thismos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take his order. Kennedy's speech. * thinks socialism means partying.

"Look. Blonde Sardarini. put on two coats" . but he always started reading from the middle. He goes to Delhi to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. "I want my 20 lakhs. The man replied. So the two sardars swapped their sandwiches. But how did you get only 12 seconds in a year?" The Sardar replied. February 2nd.22 ☻A Sardar died and went to heaven." complained the pub-owner." ☻Q:) Why does sardarji brings binoculorses in his own marriage? A:) To see his far reletavies. Name two days of the week that begin with "T". She showed him the instructions on the tin. 2.. We give >you one lakh today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 weeks. Saint Peter said. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.. "For best results. he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall. A friend of his asked why he did so?" It'z doubly interesting". It doesn't work that way.. "No. ☻Q. "Well. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. What would you call an Irish lady that marries a Sardarji? A. since math says 50%+50%=100% ☻A sardar was very fond of sensational and detective novels.. The Sardar. said the Sardar." The Sardar said. Yes. even though it's not the answer I expected. ?You can't eat your own sandwiches in here. the man explained that he would only get a lakh that day and the rest during the next 19 weeks. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions: 1." Sardar: "No Problem. no. January 2nd. "TO start from the middle keeps one curious not only about its conclusion but also about its beginning". I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow. There are 12 seconds in a year. "OK. sir. screams out. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket. "Oh. 2. 1. so your answer is correct. I want my money! If you're not going to give me my 20 lakhs right now. etc." Saint Peter lets him in without another word ☻Sardar to Sunita: "I want to marry you" Sunita: "But I am one year elder to you. then I will marry you next year. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it. And would this couple be as smart as other people? A. " Again. ☻Two Sardars went into a pub and after ordering two beers took some sandwiches out of their pockets and started to eat them. March 2nd. How many seconds are there in a year? The Sardar thought for a few minutes and answered. Q. The Sardar says. furious with the man. ☻ A Sardar buys a ticket and wins the lottery. Thinking this was a little strange.. then I want my five rupees(of ticket) back! ☻A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a Sardarni painting the walls.

" Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response. we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says.that's because the picture I showed is his side profile.. "The doctor told me to check sugar level regularly.uh.." The SARDAR looks at the picture intently for a moment and says. "What's the matterwith you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?" Extremely frustrated at this point. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect. We will be definetly defeated by America and we shall be the part of the America and then they will obviously develop our punjab also". "Wow" the crowd cheered up. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear. how would you recognize him? He quickly adds. "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds. get freedom from India then. Again he comes after sometime opens sugar box and closes." He leaves the room and goes to his office. Each of them started giving suggestions . he shows the first SARDAR a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.. Declare war on America... his wife sees this.. there was at last a thin voice asking "What about if we win ?" ☻A policeman was interviewing 3 SARDARS who were getting trained to become detectives. he shows the picture to the third SARDAR and in a very testy voice asks.. ☻Sardarji enters kitchen. "This is your suspect.. . how would you recognize him?" The first SARDAR answers. "The suspect wears contact lenses. Wait here for a few minutes while I check this file and I'll get back to you on that." bolo ta ra ra raa. "That's easy.." ☻Sardar's Interview☻ Sardar went to an interview. Its 4 asterisks(****). "Well. Interviewer: Have u heard of "MIKE TYSON"?? Sardarji: Yes Sir. Interviewer: Can u tell me his father's name?? Sardar thought for a while & replied : "MIKE TIE" !! BEST FRIEND JOKES ☻A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your successes. how would you recognize him?" The second SARDAR smiles. "What are you doing?" Sardarji replies.23 ☻A sardar was drawing money from ATM.. that's an interesting answer... "Ha! Ha! Haaa! I've seen ur password. Its 1258 ☻Punjab Develpoment☻ Once all Sardarji's clubed together and decided to develop Punjab and they wanted the Punjab as a Developed State. Opens sugar box. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. The first sardar replies." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. Think hard before giving me a stupid answer. flips his hair and says.. and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "This is your suspect. finally one great Sardarji gave a suggestion with a huge volume "Lets fight with Indian Government." the SARDAR replied.. Ha! Ha! Haaa! U r wrong. sees it and closes.. "Well.. "Wow! I can't believe it.. Wife asks... Good work! How were you able to make such an acute observation?" "That's easy.. he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second SARDAR and asks him "This is your suspect.. The sardar behind him in the line said. checks the suspect's file in his computer.

like that of the parent for the child.. Times of prosperity are full of 'friends'. by the doubling of our joy and the dividing of our grief. who came first or who cares the best. ☻True friends are those who are there for you unconditionally. no love. its about who came and never left. it was d sky who was Crying coz it lost its most BEAUTIFUL star ☻If friends were flowers i would not pick you. ☻Difference between love & friendshp. ☻Friendship is like money.you give your whole heart to your love & they BREAK IT but you give your broken heart to a friend & they MAKE IT Thats Friendship ☻All flowers cant debit LOVE but ROSE did it All birds cant symbolize PEACE but DOVE did it .neverends. i'll let u grow & cultivate u with love n care so i can keep u as a friend 4ever ☻Friendship isnt about whom you have known the longest. dear friends are always close to the heart.. ☻There is no distance too far between best friends. easier made than kept. ☻Love is friendship set on fire. so I got two Girlfriends ☻We win and loose things everyday. ☻Two people can't wish to be friends long if they can't manage to forgive each other's minor failings. ☻Friendship improves happiness and abates misery. ☻A best friend is somebody who knows every last thing about you. ☻Life is nothing without friendship. but always offer support no matter what the circumstances are. ☻True friendship comes when silence between two people is comfortable. yet still manages to like you anyway ☻If time slips away and you havent heard a word from me. ☻Friends r like mirrors they are our reflection you r **beep** lucky I look good !!! ☻It must have been a very rainy day when U were born but it wasnt rain. I will allways be there. for friendship gives wings to the heart. ☻Life without friendship is like the sky without sun. but trust me you will never loose my friendship. always remember that our friendship is more then just words. Never do they question. but love in friendship -.. ☻Friendship is a single soul living in two bodies.. its a feeling of togetherness!! ☻My girlfriend told me. Best Friends are the people worth living for. ☻There is no friendship. I should be more Affectionate.24 ☻Real friendship is most notable in those times of trouble. ☻Friendship often ends in love. ☻Side by side or miles apart.

FRIENDSHIP TEST.. Nice Friends. Thank U my good friend lastly gd nite n sweet dreams.. Intelligent. I'll always be thankful that once. a kiss is a form of affection.. Charming. well. Good Looking.. . It is nice to have a friend like U making my everyday seems so great... RING I wish I were a ring Upon my girlfriend's hand. Not Visible But Always There.. Have a nice day ☻Sometimes in life. Fate might break me apart. Expect less. RULES TO BE HAPPY 6 rules to be HAPPY: Free your heart from hatred. Live simply. along my life's journey I found a friend like U. Give more & Always have ME as UR FRIEND FRIENDS Time might lead me to nowhere. A picture is a form of remembrance. Spontaneous.. to pick us. FRIENDS LIKE HAIR Friends are like a head of hair...we only notice THEM when we fall & THEY stop. ☻A*smile* is a sign of joy a *hug* is a sign of love.. but with enough $money$ you can buy them back.. Free your mind from worries. ehem GOOD TASTE! BE MY FRIEND If U need a friend and there are a hundred steps between us. ä friend is ä living treäsüre & if yoü häve 1. NICE FRIENDS A day is going to end again.a*laugh* is a sign of happiness & a frend like me is a sign of YOUR DAM GOOD CHOICE ☻A friend is 1 of nicest thngs you can häve & one öf the best things you can be... CHOOSING me as your FRIEND is a form of.we tend 2 run so fast that we dont notice FRIENDS are running with us.25 All friends cant enter in my HEART buT you did it ☻A True Friend Is Not Like The Rain That Pours And Goes Away But Like The Air. yoü häve one öf the most välüäble gifts and life thanks for being one. Enough about ME! How about you? GOOD TASTE A phone is a form of communication... ABOUT ME Handsome. you can take the 1st step to get near me and i will take all 99 step to be there for you. 'Cause everytime she'd wipe her rear I'd see the promised land. You might lose some. Funny... Sweet.

Not what U see but how U feel. and that's how long I'll be your friend... FRIENDS True friends are like Diamonds.. WHAT YOU SAY Everyone hears what you say. a blessing dats rare & true. I laugh. LEAVING FOOTPRINTS Many people will walk in and out of your life.. ill always value u deep within my heart! FATE 2B FRIENDS A friend is never a coincidence in your life. FRIENDSHIP isn't how U forGet but how U forGive. AS LONG AS.. Not how U liSten but how U UnderStand...26 thE tEst oF fRiEndsHip dOseN't cOmeS wHen u R 2GethEr. U jump out of d window.. they are meant to enter your life to bring you joy and laughter.... tomorrow awaits. thE fRiEndshIp iS sTilL tHeRe. False friends are like leaves. As long as we have memories. Friends listen to what you say. Friends are like stars.. dats the gift of a wonderful friend like the friend dat i have in u! WAT U SEE Wat u see as truth wat u see as lies remember that true friendship never dies although we may change & drift apart... as long as we have hope... FRIENDSHIP IS. WONDERFUL FRIEND There is a gift that gold cannot buy. they are real and rare. U cry. i will treasure the friendship between us. I look down n then.. It cOmEs wHeN u ParT waYs & u ReaLizE tHat dEsPitE tHe dIsTanCe. but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart. You can't always see them. But you know they are always there for you.. I want u 2 know that our friendship means a lot 2 me. yesterday remains.. Best friends listen to what you don't say.. ... I laugh again. U laugh.. I cry. and not how U Let Go but how U hold oN!!! A RING A ring is round and has no end. So. they are scattered everywhere.. hahaha ALWAYS THERE FOR YOU.. FRIENDSHIP MEANS... each day is never a waste..... As long as we have Friendship.

please make all my friends fat. put on a shirt and a button fell off. but I realised tat loving a friend is even better. . we lose ppl we love but we never lose true friends. FALLING APART Its been a rough day. NEVER LOSE TRUE FRIENDS I always thought loving some1 was the greatest feeling. if He did. I JuSt ChOsE To WaLk BeHiNd U So I CaN CaTcH U WhEn U Fall. I said to the guy. I'm afraid 2 go 2 the bathroom. Can you also make me sexy? If you can't make me sexy. Friendships is like wine: it gets BETTER as it grows OLDER.. I saw a guy jogging naked.. BEHIND YOU DuRiNg OuR FrIeNdShIp.. DuN ThInK I LeFt U BeHiNd. WiThoUt A FriEnD LiKE U. thank you for making me healthy. ThErE wIlL B TiMeS U wOn't SeE Me BeSiDe U.. 'Hey buddy. I can't afford a precious FRIEND like YOU!!! OLD FRIENDS Never abandon old friends.27 PRICETAGS GOD is so wise that he never created FRIENDS with pricetags. upon the sunlight i see the path of our friendship shining brightly knowing that it is so great to have a friend like YOU! NIGHT PRAYER Dear God.. ThiS mAkeS mE reAlisED tHat.. 'Because you came home early.' NEVER LOSE ME! We gain and lose things every day.. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. WITHOUT A FRIEND LIKE U EveRyDay I seE LoTs oF StRangErS PasSiNg By mE.. They are hard 2 replace. HOME EARLY 1 day as I came home early from work. i get BETTER.. PATH OF FRIENDSHIP The sun is glazing. I got up this morning. why are you doing that?' He said. But trust me on one thing: YOU WILL NEVER LOSE ME! I will always be there as a friend! BEST FRIEND A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart. LifE woUlD be BORING. Amen. Because. u get OLDER. Just like us..

Believe in things you wanna do.. friends like the waves. Friends forever~!!! KEEPING A FRIEND KeEping a FRIEND is As Difficult AS losing one. your heart as the seashore.28 SHOOTING STARS The times we shared is like shooting star. I may not have sacrificed enough 4 you. But its a friend who makes you realise how wonderful you are to the world. it never matters how many waves are there. And when we say FRIEND FOREVER. but im sure l wasnt wrong in choosing you 2 be my friend ☻A lover makes you realise how wonderful the world is. Feel glad when your dreams come true. what matters is which one touches the seashore. YOU sacrifice A lot To keep them. You are one of the best books ever written.. the time is short but really beautiful moments.. but in my HEART I swear I'm keeping you. that's definitely a lifetime PROMISE! FLOWER If friends were flowers I would not pick you! I'll let you grow in the garden & cultivate you with love and care so I can keep you as a friend 4ever!! FALLING APART .. ☻True Frnds see yoU true. A masterpiece worth reading million times ☻lm not wealthy but I have a rich heart. l am not the best but I always try my best. PROMISE We've known each other by CHANCE. THAT's LIFE ☻When u draw a circle with friendship as radius & love as center u will always find me on the circumference ☻Treat life as the sea. l may not right in evrythng.Friend is a book with only one copy published..... Forever engraved in our hearts. Best of all they dont judge you & simply love you coz ur you PRICELESS GIFT FriEndSHiP iS A PRiCeLeSs GiFt tHaT cAn'T Be BoUgHt Or SoLd. still friends by DECISION.... BuT To Have An UnDeRsTaNdiNg FriEnd iS FaR MoRe WoRtH tHaN GoLd~! .. became friends by CHOICE.

OUT OF MY CONTROL Meeting you was fate. me 'enter' ur life. where everything seems UNCERTAIN. Without love. All friends never split and even if they do they will meet again. come to me.. only one thing is DEFINITE. becoming your friend was choice. 'save' u in my heart. 'format' ur problems. NEVER SPLIT I met you as a stranger. MEMORY LASTS FOREVER A memory lasts forever. as long as the world stands. THE SUBSCRIBER CANNOT BE REACHED! COMPARE FRIENDSHIP is like a tree... and never does it die. but is on how DEEP the ROOTS HAVE GROWN... your all that 4 me. a shoulder when you cry. life is impossible! COMPUTER A good friend is like a computer. text me... If you need me.. beyond TIME & beyond DISTANCE! ANGEL FRIENDS I believe in angels. our friendship never ends... I'm surrounded by angels but I call them my best friends. life is hopeless... life is hard. True friends stay together and never say good bye. It is not MEASURED on how TALL it could be. smile when your sad. Without friends like you.. Without courage.. word when your quite.. touch when your lost.. call me. the kind that heaven sends. but falling in love with you was completely out of my control. ... life sux.. Whos a frnd? A push when you stop.. You'll always be my FRIEND. If you need money. beyond WORDS. 'shift' u 2 opportunities & never 'delete' u from my memory! FRIENDS ALWAYS In this WORLD.. If you need a friend. ..29 SUBSCRIBER CANNOT BE REACHED If you need advice. FRIENDS 4 LIFE Without humor. I leave you as a friend. FRIENDSHIP The ship that will never sink is my friendship with you.

.30 Happy frndshps day In the rhythm of life v smetimes. but whn we became FRENDS i jst knw tht i got d SWEETEST BOX! HAPPY FRIENDSHIP DAY! F'ship is like standin on wet cement. Happy frdship day! Love says i love u. r u? Do you know what is FRIENDSHIP? It is the SMALLEST thing u argue 4... Another tear. Making a million friends is not a miracle. but there'll never be. U cant ever bring them back thats Y i hv tied u tight to my H-E-A-R-T! Bcoz u r 2 precious 2loose!! A true friend is someone who thinks that Ür a good egg even though he knows that Ür slightly cracked. smile says i adore u. But as long as there are frenz 2 provide the melody. OSCAR WINNING Ur validity being myfrend is going to be expird 2day. bt my HEART is TRUE. Ven God gav FRIENDS. A summer too. when u r together AND MISS those SMALLEST thing when u r APART Time might lead me nowhere & fate might break me into pieces. once u let them go. bt ven I got U. longer U stay harder it is 2 leave & if U ever leave. Frnds I can make. but I will always be THANKFUL that once in my life's journey we became FRIENDS Frnds r like films. sum r comedy. sum r musical.. the miracle is to make a friend who will stand by you when a million are against you. n yet othrs r tragedy.. "i'm still here.HAPPY FRIENDSHIP DAY Life s like box of chocolates u never knw wht u gonna get. but a FRIEND says i care for u. find ourselvs 'Out of tune'. Very few are like U. hug says i want u. Even i didnt knw.. sum r advnturus.. Another year.. Plz Rechrg ur frendship a/c immdiatly by Sending 4-5 sweet & Cool msgs. crush says i like u. So Hurry Rechrg Now !! . bt none as SWEET as U..he tried 2 b FAIR.. wat will make me happy is tht 1 day if u hear my name u'll smile n saY dats my frnd! Though my WORDS r FEW. the music plays on!' HAPPY FRIENDSHIP DAY. sum r romantic. Another winter. U can never go without leaving ur footprints! Another month. Ü shud be proud to have a true friend like me! friends never leave each other friends never part they just some times sit silently deep in each others heart saying. ANOTHER YOU.I got MORE than my SHARE! F-R-I-E-N-D-S are like balloons.. Another smile.. today tomorrow & FOREVER!! I dont expect 2 be the most imptnt friend in ur life dats 2 much 2 ask.

Each frnd v make is a start of each story. creates a miracle called FRIENDS...! Sometimes in life.. Certain frnds touch our heart & v cant stop thinking about them..31 Friends r like fishes. we only notice THEM when we fall & THEY stop . but having a friend like u. when u have friends to share it with. Think of me and keep in mind. Our story had a wonderful bgining.. u have 2 sit patient 4 a long time to catch a nice one. That is the kind of frnds v are Far yet so Near.. better stay nice or i'll fry u 24 sweet hrs make 1 sweet day. You are the best heart surgeon in the world. a faithful friend is hard to find. v cn alwys mke a diff. Simple yet so Precious Feeling of love. just like i caught u.. 2 b 2gether in pain. But trust me on 1 thng: You will NEVER lose ME! I will ALWAYS be thr. Bt wid d help of a true frend. Having a crush is sweet. V WIN & LOSE thngs evryday.! In the world few things r GODS gift.. 4 sweet week make 1 sweet month..TOTALLY ROCKS. friend.2 pick us up.. b'coz you made a place in my HEART without cutting & spilling it.having a heart break sucks. v cn cnvrt dis end in2 jst a BEND! 2gethr.. moments of caring... To eat ùr head! ("..falling in luv is exciting. shoulders 2 cry.. small small sharing.... . stupid fights. Thanks for being my FRIEND There is a story bhind every frndship.. Thank u for sharing my life with me. but if you find one equal and true.) JL Happy Friendship Day Life is meaningful. Hope this story never has an nding Often v stand at life's crossroads & view wht v thnk is d END. 7 sweet days make 1 sweet week. But 1 sweet frnd like u makes my life.. never leave the old for new . we tend to run so fast that we dont notice FRIENDS r running with us..... ... mother's love father's advice brother's care sister's fight baby's smile & ours frendship.

Never walk without a document -. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric. 8. 1. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about. (thick computer manuals are the best). That's no way to live. it looks like we're not working hard enough.it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel..Sigh loudly when there are many people around. To the observer. last year's work looks the same as today's work. Remember. it looks like "work" to the casual observer. Look impatient and annoyed -. but they're not bad either. wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday. Use computers to look busy -. 7. so the 2 men march down to the factory floor." . Leave the office late -. 2. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you really do. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. Well. they don't have to understand what you say. "I'm sorry.Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up. Screen all your calls through voice mail." he says to her.only top management can get away with a clean desk. bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM.Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. etc. respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there -. 9.People with documents look like hardworking employees headed to important meetings. For the rest of us. it's volume that counts.e.. Messy desk -. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing -. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. especially when the boss is still around. If somebody leaves a message for you and it sounds like impending work. Put lots of books on the floor. but you sure sound impressive. giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Stacking strategy -.DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake! Tickle Me Elmo: There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give off the impression that you're always busy. 5. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle.Always leave the office late. You can send and receive personal e-mail. 7:05am. Build vocabulary -. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software.) and during public holidays. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. MOST IMPORTANT -.According to George Costanza. Pile them high and wide. barely able to keep a straight face. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're headed for the toilet.32 10 Office Rules: 10. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read. etc. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. 6.It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Creative sighing for effect -. People with nothing in their hands look like they're headed for the cafeteria.and you will get caught -. Voice mail -. Above all. 4. putting the entire production line behind schedule. 3. Send important e-mails at unearthly hours (i. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. chat and have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. thus saving valuable training dollars. 9:35pm.Any time you use a computer. When you get caught by your boss -. make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night.

"If you're going to work here young man. 7: Thank you for your message. You are currently in 352nd place. 10. 9. 4: I will be unable to delete all the unread. 4. "the number two thing you must learn is that we are very keen on cleanliness in this firm. 8. 6: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Don't bother to leave me any messages. There is no mat. Be prepared for my mood. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received. I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend. This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to. 2. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress. sir. This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people! 6." "Out-Of-Office" E-Mail Auto-Reply: 1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. 3. and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks. 9: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Please restart your computer and try sending again. 10: I've run away to join a different circus. I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm! 5. .'(The beauty of this is that when you return. 8: Hi. Please wait by your PC for my response. 5: Thank you for your email. 7." said the boss. 2: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. 3: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management. you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over). They told me at the blood bank this might happen. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. which has been added to a queuing system. Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem. worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. If You Get Caught Sleeping at Your Desk 1. "And another thing the number one thing we are very keen on is truthfulness.99 for each additional word in your message.33 "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles. chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all. The coffee machine is broken. yes. If I was in. Your credit card has been charged $5. I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance. Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP)." responded the young man.99 for the first ten words and $1. " said the boss." "Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?" "Oh. Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper.


This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny! NAME: Greg Bulmash. SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person. DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. SALARY: Less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes. DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely. SIGN HERE: Aries.

Ways To Have Fun in the Workplace Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after you boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-Cha."

Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom." Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Marge. Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way. Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document. Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they want fries with that. Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing. Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN." Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers. Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "oh you've got to be faster than that. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

WINTER JOKES The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared. Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?" The man on the phone responded, "This winter is going to be quite cold indeed." So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"

Q: Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman than a regular one? A: You have to hollow out the head.

A bird was flying south for Winter, but he had left it too late and was frozen solid in a storm. He dropped down into a pasture of cows. The biggest, fattest cow was doing a crap there, and the bird landed in it. At first

he was disgusted, until he realised the poo was thawing him out! He started crying out for joy as the ice melted. A cat that was nearby heard the cries, walked over, saw the bird and ate it There are three morals to this story: 1. Not everyone who gets you into shit is your enemy 2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend 3. If you are in shit, keep your mouth shut

Peekaboo Street (the US Olympian) apparently came into a lot of money because of her Olympic performance this winter. Rather than spend it on herself, she showed a lot of character by donating it to a local hospital. The primary facility the hospital needed was a retrofit of the Intensive Care Unit, so in her honor, the hospital board is going to name the new unit, "Peekaboo, I.C.U."

DIRTY JOKES A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, 'I wish I had bigger tits'. The boyfriend says 'well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months'. 'How will that help to make my tits bigger?' asks the girlfriend. 'Well it worked for your ass' says the boyfriend.

A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a classoom observation. He took out a jar of yellow liquid. "This," he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and taste." After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths. After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth."

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"

There was this woman who had bags under her eyes and wanted to get them removed so she could look younger so she went to a plastic surgeon. She tells the doctor I cant get rid of these bags please help me. The doctor says he is gonna try and new experimental technique on her. He will put a crank in the back of her head and when she sees bags under her eyes she's supposed to crank it and the bags will go away. So she gets this crank put in her head and leaves. It works and works for a while until one day she cant get rid of these bags under her eyes. She cranks and cranks as hard as she can but they just wont go away. So she goes to the doctor. She says to the doctor: "Doctor, this was working for a while, but I cant seem to get rid of these bags under my eyes." The doctor replies: "Lady those aren't bags... those are your tits!" All she had to say was, "Now that would explain why I have this goatee."

A guy is walking past a bus stop and says to a woman "Can I smell your cunt?" "Fuck off, no you can't smell my cunt!" the woman yells back at him, "Oh" he replies, looking slightly confused, "it must be your feet then".

Here's another: it's long. it was awful." It got crowded in heaven." he insisted. "Oh. Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. I was sure my wife was having an affair. Also. St. I sneak up the stairs." "Johnny!" she cries. so.. "A banana." Johnny is kind of irritated now. "Well. and I died. plumb and red. following the wedding. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. and fairly hard." he said. "Tell me about the day you died. "No. then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!" St. picture this. But I like your thinking. yellow. slam the door. I take my shoes off before I go into the house. I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway." Now for the second. and she's always sound asleep." she says." The teacher replied. it was awful. I get undressed in the bathroom. and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. so he speaks up loudly. whether you're here or not. I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit. but I like your thinking. fuzzy. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man. but landed in some bushes. "No Deborah. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack. hard.. "Tell me about the day you died?". for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died." The man said. But. who promptly answered "An apple. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. Peter chuckled. got a hammer. I'm naked. we live on the 25th floor. "Now class. jump into bed. I'll go hunting. "Well." Well. he let the man in. and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want.. the husband laid down some rules. So I went out onto the balcony. "OK. storm up the steps. Billy. and since it was a crime of passion. I don't know what else to do.. but the teacher. 'How about a blowjob?' . I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening. I screech into the driveway. and started hitting his hands. "I'll be home when I want. Those are my rules. wisely ignored him and picked Deborah." the teacher replies.. So. I've got one for you teacher. I've got it: it's round. "No. let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Okay. I'm afraid it's a potato.37 A couple were married and." answers Johnny. "it's a squash. it's a beet. but I like your thinking. and colored red and brownish. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says. so I came home early to catch her with him. Johnny raised his hand high. Luckily I landed in some bushes. It's soft. if I want." St. I don't expect any hassle from you. "And. he said to the third man in line. just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night." Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says.." the teacher replies. "You know. Okay. that's fine with me. "it's a quarter. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking. first: it's round. But she skips him again and calls on Billy." Of course. "Any comments?" His new bride replied. throw my shoes into the closet. boozing. But. "That's disgusting!" "Nope. and at what time I want. and it got a head on it.. He fell. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day. I went inside. rub my hands on my wife's ass and say." One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Hey. fishing." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. but I like your thinking!" . and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. let me put my hand in my pocket. you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below. sir. "No." said the second man. hiding inside a refrigerator. unless I tell you otherwise.

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor. but few are blind. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? . two inches wide. after covering the tip of his penis with honey. doctor!" she shouted. tricky situation. concentrating very hard. What's six inches long. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it. What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant. Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds? Because most men are stupid. what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he blasted. The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. swallowing and gargling. there's a bee in my vagina!". what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit"." The husband nodded and gave his approval. "Hmm. The young lady began to quiver with excitement. she began to moan and groan aloud. The doctor. replied: "Change of plan. yes. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts. What's the difference between love. "Oh doctor. inserted it into the young lady's vagina. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It's not hard. "Oh my god. The young lady said "Yes. What do blondes and the Bermuda triangle have in common? They've both swallowed a lot of semen.." So the doctor. After a few gentle strokes. at this point. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. So the doctor went deeper and deeper. the doctor said. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper". The doctor said "OK. "Now wait a minute. The woman started screaming. The husband.. "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. I'm gonna drown the bastard!!" Check out our other Dirty Jokes pages. What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig? A man who hates every bone in a woman's body. suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. help me. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day. How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. true love and showing off? Spitting. looked like he was enjoying himself. just get on with it. except his own. and drives women wild? Money.38 One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common? They can both smell it but can't eat it. whatever. still concentrating. The doctor thought for a moment and said. He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises. anal sex makes your hole weak.

Never the less to say. As Adam's thing. as everyone knows. Under Eve's eyes. when Dad came home from work. without any clothes. Her legs spread wider. . The head of Adam's thing. A few days later. started to rise. And wonder came. "Son. Peeked into the hole. Billy rushed out to meet him yelling. "Dad." said little Billy. Lives Adam and Eve. I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!" In the Garden of Eden. one covered Eve's. a nice big tree. "Well Dad. As the story goes on. All covered with hair. and blew the leaves away. Adam did stare. and wider apart. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming. When his Dad came home Billy said. that suited them best. Came into her heart. one covered Adam's. In this garden. They found a spot. "Jesus I'm coming. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said. and filled her with passion. "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air.39 She is the one who can eat the last donut! What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom? A pick pocket snatches watches. were two little leaves." "Gee Dad that's great. Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad. While thrill after thrill. the wind came along. At the sight. Dirty Joke about Little Billy Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven. where they began to rest. There was Eve's treasure. Beyond her control.

for me and you. was all wet inside. and lay in the grass. Until Adam's thing. His thing did slide. She wouldn't let loose. And Eve's treasure. and now it is time. for a piece of that ASS! Ben & Jerry's New Presidential (Clinton) Flavors Slick Willie Double Nut Joy Subpoenas 'n' Cream Impeach-Mint Candy Pants Chocolate Chip Doughboy Chilly Hillbilly Draft-Dodging Pot-Smoking Intern-Nailing Raspberry Swirl Vanilla Pantsachio Subpoena Colada Biscuits 'n' Gravy Horny Bubba Crunch Arkansas Peach Subpoena Butter Cup Peppermint Fattie Captain Cream Tubby Bubba Hillary Chiller Fundraising Coffee Oval Office Surprise Arkansas Smoothie Hyperactive Nuts . So pull down your pants. People did screw. Was all out of juice. because I'm in the mood. The joy was good.40 Backward and forward. Then down through the years.

L." 11) After months of shared experiences and emotional investments. 12) Her postmaster rejects your e-mail not as "undeliverable" but as "unlikely to get you anywhere. 6) You can barely make out your S.41 Scandalberry Viagra Joke Woman: Can I get Viagra here? Pharmacist: Yes. Woman: Can I get it over the counter? Pharmacist: If you give me two of them. I feel guilty and depressed for a week. 13) You: Large.gov" 1) In an ironic twist of fate. and she's dialing in from Langley." "For God's sake." she pleaded. you must help me. hairy man. A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. but his GIF looks like some geek who works for a software company. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward. 3) She's suddenly changed her address to comingout@lesbian. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy. NO!" exclaimed the woman. she lets a reference to cutting her chin shaving slip by.000 points. After ten minutes of the bloke pestering her." nodded the psychiatrist. she attacks you in the Mines of Quarn with a Vorpal Sword when she learns you're worth 45. "Doctor.com has become cold and distant. 7) You discover that she has been cutting and pasting her orgasms. you discover that the object of your affection is a curvaceous 18 year old. 5) He claims to be the richest man in the world." A bloke is sat at a bar when he sees this gorgeous woman waiting for her date. VA. And then afterward. rather than the geeky 14 year old boy she'd pretended to be.Money. hairy man. He decides to go over and chat her up. 'Oh come on. I'm only interested in women' said the woman. she had had .com 2) Ken Starr launches an investigation into your relationship with the mysterious "tubby@whitehouse. 4) Since her first e-mail." 9) Your cyber-lover is just too busy editing that silly little Top 5 List. no doubt.Fast!@cyber-promotions." "I see. want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter. you can 14 Signs Your Online Relationship Isn't Working Out 14) You discover that "Chesty McBust" isn't her real name. Make. 'I think you're wasting your time. 10) "Returned mail: User unknown and never wants to hear from you again. 8) Getting perhaps a bit too comfortable. Your online girlfriend: Large. I end up in bed with him. "And you.'s face in the JPEG she sent because she's obscured by her 25 cats. I bet I can change your mind' said the bloke.

" one said. I told him that I once broke-up with a girl long ago because she had a seemingly incurable speech impediment. What was the girl's problem?" Taking a sip. But a talking frog is pretty neat. 'OK' said the woman 'I'll sleep with you if you can do anything for me that my vibrator can't!' 'OK. and saw a beautiful model walking towards them." A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. George said. After months of the social isolation that comes from eighty hour work weeks. However. He was glad for the interlude because it taught him how much his wife loved him.. I'm shocked. "What a babe.. They are walking down the hall when President Clinton sees them. OK. I never know you to be one to be prejudiced against handicaps. The frog pipes up." he replies. she ran out and yelled. I've never come across your faces before. A few minutes later. the associate was puzzled. "What's wrong with you? I've promised you great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss a frog?" "I'm a programmer. the associate was happy to reciprocate. "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me. "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you great sex for a whole year!"." Two lawyers were walking down Rodeo Drive. I paused and reflected. Finally. The President walks up and says. 'let's see your vibrator do that?' A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road." Reasons For Being Fired From Toys 'R' Us . "I don't have time for sex. when asked by a friend to identify the lover. A few minutes later.42 enough. I'll give you great sex for a week". "My husband's home! My husband's home!" Over drinks one afternoon a buddy of mine and I were discussing former "loves".I had to do all the work.. barman get this lady a drink' he said. The programmer smiles and walks on. "All I know for sure is that it was a partner -. "She couldn't say 'yes'. the frog says. "Gee. The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket. if you kiss me. I'll stay with you for a week". The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket." A young associate was romantically ambushed in a darkened room of the law firm. "Jimmy. the frog says "OK. "Out of what?" Clinton Joke Two new young interns are hired in the White House. "I'd sure like to fuck her!" "Really?" the other responded. She was so thrilled to have him around that when a delivery man or the mailman arrived.

They start talking as the doctor is examining his eyes." The doc said .43 15." How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way. 7. Too many reports from people who swear they saw Geoffrey the Giraffe in a leather bar." A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. This was the first time he had seen them. A little too much joie de vivre while demonstrating the erector set. Source of reefer smoke finally traced to "nostrils" of Geoffrey the Giraffe. A few minutes later she asked. he said again. it's still in the CRATE!" A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. When he finally gets himself to the doctor. he says. the doctor casually says. 11. he replied. Cross-dressing the Ken and Barbie dolls and telling kids they're the new "Jerry Springer" edition.I'm on break. I don't". 14. 10. In the middle of their conversation. 4. Your sales display. "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. marries. "Why Doc? Am I going blind?" ." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage. She says. kid -. you stick your head in an Easy Bake Oven and threaten to "end it all. "You'll be the first. you answer. Writhing in agony. "Barbie's Struggle for Survival in Post-Nuclear Holocaust Malibu" was not exactly an overwhelming success." The guy replies. "I wanna stay here in the front seat with you." He whips down his pants and says. Jaws of life needed to pull your knees out of your chest after you jackknifed a Big Wheel." 13. 5. Numerous parental complaints about your "Tickle Me Carl The Stock boy" display. 8. 2. 1. It should be okay next week." 3. he falls to the ground. ―Now do you want to get in the back seat?‖ "No. Every time you're passed over for a promotion. an impressive work of art. "Nope". 12. and wired it all together. Impromptu demonstrations of why Malibu Ken is not anatomically correct. The guy mentions none of this to his girl. Caught hocking phlegm into tykes' hands and telling them it was "homemade Gack." The Kentuckian and his gal were embracing passionately in the front seat of the car. Got caught doing your Dolly Parton impression with basketballs again. "Bite me. You went overboard with your GI Joe Militia display by adding the Tonka truck full of fertilizer. The "My Little Taxidermy Kit" (with starter squirrel) is not selling. "Want to go in the back seat?" she asked. no one has ever touched these breasts. 9. 6. Regardless of the question. "You need to stop masturbating. You got caught adding a garage to your house using embezzled Lego bricks. if you know what I mean. she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. "Look at this. and on his honeymoon night in the motel room.

"That makes sense. They were troubled because the President of the United States was behaving in an inappropriate manner and there were many people who saw nothing wrong in what he had done. Ma reached over and slapped Pa. how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead. They decided that the only course of action left was to create an 11th Commandment to get their message across." A man was going door-to-door doing a sexual survey in Jeff's neighborhood. lotsa money. she's my wife. "Three times. Ma said oh and continued rocking. you goina have a beautiful wife.Really Hip Macarena Instructor 6. But grandpa I really don't like guns." Jeff said. Now. Top Ten Acronyms Least Used In Personal Ads 10. SWFWHBTP -. the Pope and Moses.Janet Reno Look-Alike 9." Jeff said without hesitation. You lisina to me. but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room. He says to the doctor. After great meditation and discussion they concluded: "Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff. a biga home . STLSM -.Extremely Hairy White Chick 2. can you tell me what's wrong?" The doctor replied." A guy walks INTO a psychiatrist's office covered only in Saran Wrap. "No. "That is once more often than your neighbor. "I've felt so weird lately. "How often a week do you sleep with your wife?" asked the inquirer. RHMI -. so you will always remember me. WSUBFC -.Cigar-Wielding President 8. the problem remained exactly how to word this new commandment so that it matched the other commandments in style and holy inspiration.Works At Radio Shack and Drives A Pinto and the Number One 1. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol. WARSADAP -.Moon walking Single-Gloved Straight/Gay White/Black Male/Female King Of Pop With Predilection For Young Boys 7.Will Screw Ugly Bastards for Cash An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. EHWC -.Single White Female Who Has Blown the President 3." Last week a very important meeting took place among God.Heroin Addict with Great Sense of Humor 5. CWP -." the inquirer said. some day you goin a be runna da bussiness. JRLA -. Doc. Pa said what was that for? Ma said for knowing the difference. writing. I can clearly see your nuts!" Ma and Pa where rocking on the front porch when Pa turned and slapped Ma.44 The doctor says. Ma said what was that for? Pa said for forty years of bad sex. "after all.Show Tune-Loving Straight Male 4. "Well. HAWGSOH -. MSG S/G W/B M/F KOPWPFYB -.

Martha. sunshine most of the time. They vowed that if either died. Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said. "Is that what heaven really is like?" "Heaven? I'm not in heaven. John. I knew this would happen. some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man.. 'I don't belong here. There are azure skies. True to her word." "What do you do all day?" asked Martha." Martha was somewhat taken aback." On little Larry's first day of first grade. Martha. 'I don't belong here. Today is the viewing" One fine morning in Eden. he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the room and said. you have sinned. "What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't?' asked the teacher." "Oh that's terrible!". The same nurse says. 'What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?' asked the teacher." "Well. Where is Eve now?" Adam replied. "It did. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her. "John. The principal and the first grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he belonged.. but couldn't find them. I should be in third grade!' The teacher looked at little Larry's records and told him to please take his seat. and there's nothing but making love until noon. a soft breeze. the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Well. this is Martha. After lunch. we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p. she called out. the young man died in a car wreck. "now all the fish will smell funny. we nap until two and then make love again until about five. we get up before sunrise. "The morning Eve and I made love for the first time. Unfortunately. Later in the day God saw Adam and asked where he and Eve were earlier.m. I should be in the third grade!' Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Larry's problem. 'Pockets!' said Larry. "I thought it died yesterday. eat some good breakfast. then. a few weeks later. "TIMES UP"? A man at a retirement home was walking around with his zipper down holding his penis. God was looking for Adam and Eve." The man replies. I can hear you." There were two lovers. washing herself out." Martha tearfully asked. his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. 'Legs!' Larry immediately replied. After dinner. Adam said. who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. "It died today." "Damn. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say. The teacher suggested they try some biology questions. "Oh John. "She's down at the river. what is it like where you are?" "It's great. the grass is so green and the cows have such beautiful eyes. this is John. "Yes Martha. "Well." says God. . the nurse replied The next day the man has his penis hanging outside of his pants again. they soon discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of. A young nurse says "Why are you doing that?" He replies. where are you?" "I'm a bull in Montana." God said.45 and maybe a couple od bambino. "Adam. At the séance.

she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. She got on the scale." "That's right." The instructor said. Normally. Waura. A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. and John lost his dollar. this fellow finds himself standing next to a tall Jamaican at the urinal. When the results came back. "And that's how it's going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off. Tom and Harry. "What would you like to do first. The magician built an invisible contraption that was attached to the queen's waist. Laura." said the girl. "How'd it go?" Kim responded. He guessed 120 pounds. dropping her off with a handshake. she prepared carefully for weeks. and completed the exam with tremendous skill. but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting. saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result. it was wousy." she responded.. John figured she was really weird and took her home early. When time for the practical exam approached. When the ride was over. on inspection found the only man who had a penis left on him! Pleased with his minister's loyalty he asked him as to what punishment would befit all the others and in reply received only a blubbering sound from the minister's mouth. The king was short in vital parts and the queen had to seek solace with every Dick." There once lived a king and a queen who ruled a large kingdom. it read 117 and she won a prize. "I want to get weighed. "During the exam. Her roommate. it would slice any elongated object that ventured anywhere within an inch of the queen's waist. she called the instructor. he had his bride's name tattooed on his love muscle. "I want to get weighed." John took his blind date to the carnival. signed up for evening classes and attended diligently. although when he was aroused. By this time. in the men's room. . he guessed her correct weight. the tattoo spelled out W -E-N-D-Y. Now they're on their honeymoon at a resort in Montego Bay. Your wife. "Oh. you took the engine apart perfectly. "I want to get weighed." replies the bloke. You put the engine back together again perfectly. Back to the weight guesser they went. Fearing an error. on the other hand. The mechanism was simple.. which is also worth 50% of the mark. "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse you answered 'twice weekly'. Kim?" asked the man. answered 'several times a night'. The only man left was his minister and to his surprise the king. By mid-afternoon he realized that there was not a single male soul in the vicinity who had not made a valiant attempt only to be left peniless (pun). asked her about the blind date. who said. Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. Immediately after his arrival he summoned the queen's private bodyguards to his foyer and having dispatched all attendants ordered them to undress." she said. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved. They ambled over to the weight guesser.46 The teacher looked at the principal. only the first and last letters were visible. The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. Having set his trap the king set off on a hunting trip and returned to his palace after spending a sleepless week and burning with curiosity. All of them had lost their penises! He next summoned the palace guards and the result was the same. which was worth 50% of the total mark. He sought the services of his court magician to help identify the culprits. After some time the king grew suspicious of the queen's escapades and wanted to punish the subjects willing to risk their lives for a fling with her. Since they had been there before." This fellow was so deeply in love that just before he was married. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the muffler. I missed those last two questions!' This sex researcher phones one of the participants in a recent survey of his to check on a discrepancy. 'Maybe he should be in third grade. learning all she could. He asks the bloke. John again asked Kim what she would like to do. One night.

. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underwear. "You will have a boy!" the doctor exclaimed." The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Ed Zachary Disease was and he replied. Newly married couple both nymphomaniacs. "I was on top ". After signing off. When the woman arrived. he notices that this man. 8. Husband comes home for lunch. was the reply. mon. Chang shook his head and said. she replied.. "Excuse me. 9. "but I couldn't help noticing your tattoo." he says. Chang said. 1. He's gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand. The fax file is filled with pictures of someone's butt. Do you have a girlfriend named Wendy?" "No way. 3." She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr. "Ed Zachary Disease. 5.worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex probrem. 6. too. she came upon a Chinese sex therapist named Dr. Looking thru the phone book. Lipstick on the mouse. husband comes downstairs in the morning and the wife asks what he'd like for breakfast "Oh I think I'll have a shag please!" So they go upstairs have a shag then he goes to work. she decided that it was time to see a doctor. The second woman was asked the same question. mon. . "you will have a baby girl. Chang. In hopes of finding a solution to her problem." and she did. She makes sarcastic remarks about your "software". Lately she sits at the computer naked. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate. "Take off all your clothes and you crawl real fass away from me across the froor. " said the doctor. "I'm warming up your dinner!!" There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived?" "He was on top ".. "you haf real bad case of Ed Zachary disease.. has the letters W-Y tattooed on his penis. have a nice day. 4. In the morning. "What would you like for lunch dear?" "Oh I think I'll have a shag please!" So again they shag and he returns to work.that when your face rook ED-ZACHARY rike your ass!" Top Ten Signs Your Spouse May Be Having an On-Line Affair 10.. During sex. Mine reads. the computer screen is all fogged up. she screams "A colon backslash enter insert!" 2. Half hour later he walks in the house and finds his wife sliding up and down the banister! "What are you doin?" he asks. "Welcome to Jamaica. she told the doctor her symptoms and he said.47 To his amazement.... The giant rubber inflatable disk drive. I work for the Tourist board. "Now.you crawl real fass back to me. 7. Dr. he always has a cigarette.'" A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time.

But one Saturday night the cock went missing! The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning. He rushed from one thing to another. cried all the time and threatened suicide. but he does happen to know a witch who lives in the forest. So he goes to the doctor and begs him to shorten it. When I was 25." he said. I got a boyfriend." he said. She might be able to help.. He was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. "please help me. and your wife is on the back of the milk carton. When I was 18. no. but I couldn't keep up with him. "Am I going to have puppies?‖. "No. he tells the man. "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up. So I decided I needed a guy with stability. He did mad. your mistress is on the cover of Playboy. "No. three altar boys. But he sets off into the forest and sure enough finds the witch sitting in front of her cottage casting spells. took everything I owned. "that wasn't what I meant. I found a very stable guy but he was boring. When I turned 31. Everything was an emergency. "that wasn't what I meant. I am now 47 and am looking for a guy with a big dick. a blonde. During Mass. He made me miserable as often as happy. I found a smart ambitious guy with his feet planted firmly on the ground and married him. Has anybody seen MY cock?" All the nuns. In college I dated a passionate guy. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up. but there was no passion. "No. no. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a guy with some excitement.. because every woman who sees it faints at the sight.. two priests and a goat stood up. the third women. The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church." he said. "What's the matter?" asked the doc. but directionless. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up. He was so ambitious that he divorced me. So I decided to find a guy with some ambition.. no. he was a drama queen. There's a man who has fifty inch long penis. So I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life. though of course he thinks it's all a bit odd. burst into tears. Story of a Woman who just turned 47 When I was 16." he says. but he was too emotional.48 With this. He was great fun initially and very energetic. But he can't get any sex. "Witch. But the doctor refuses . he asked the congregation. When I was 28. I found an exciting guy. Because he's so desperate he decides he'll go and see her. "that wasn't what I meant. I have a fifty inch long penis and no one will have sex with me!" . impetuous things and flirted with everyone he met. and ran off with my best friend. I hoped that one day I would have a boyfriend. The Perfect Breakfast As a Man Sees It You‘re sitting at the table and your son is on the cover of Wheaties.he can't shorten a perfectly good penis. never settling on anything.

I'm married to God. unzips his trousers and slaps his cock on the counter.49 She takes one look at his massive cock and then says. She looks him straight in the eye and says "Put that away Sir." So the men. and each time he refuses.AND FOR THE LAST TIME." he whispers. He won't be allowed to join our order.. annoyed.. but he's delighted.. So we have a test for all our prospective members. "I can't do that. this is a clock shop . Something to do with the black stockings maybe. and equally qualified . "please marry me!" The frog looks up. and she'll have sex with you!" . go on. so there was only one solution ." replies the man. please marry me!" "No . young and old alike. "No .sure enough. "Froggy.. I've got a terrible headache?" This bloke gets on a bus and sees a nun he rather fancies. This was going to be a hard decision . so he turns to her and says: "Sister." So he bends down.. Until she gets to the end of the line and pushes her butt into the man's face.NO. But there's a recruitment test... not a single bell rings. I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off... sure enough.but one had to go. so he shouts back at the frog: "Oh. But you must go into the forest and find the magic frog who lives in the pond.Jack and Mary. And. at forty inches. and attach this bell to the end of your penis. so he goes to join the monastery. tell her you're God. the man is desperate.. the bus driver stops him .. "I know how you can get to have sex with her!" "You do?" the guy says. sit on the bench.I told you once!" the frog croaks." She looked at him for a moment in silence then replied: "Well. it's all too much for him ... But there were only two possibilities ." Well. Ask him to marry you."Hey. so off he goes into the forest. and from behind him comes the tinkling of nine little bells. "I've got some bad news. and must leave at once. Then the most beautiful young blonde with big tits waltzes into the room and starts walking slowly down the line.." The guy looks down . and all you have to do is lie on one of the tombstones dressed in white robe with a false beard. he's disappointed. "Why don't you put two hands and a face on it?" The manager was having difficulty with profits and fixed costs. he finds the magic frog singing quietly to itself. he knows that if you don't ask you don't get. his penis has shrunk by ten inches! It's still a bit long for sex. so he thinks that's that. "I'll just pick it up and leave.. "quick. "You do need my help...NO!" So this guy's tired of life and fed up with not getting sex. will you have sex with me?" "Oh no. sit on the bench with a little bell tied to the end of their cocks. but he sees her point. the bell rings furiously and goes flying off across the room with the force of his erection. Not a sound.they were both excellent workers. for he will be sorely troubled with sexual thoughts while he is in our midst. Take your clothes off." he roars across the pond.. he thinks. seeing as how I'm a frog and you're a man. The woman behind the counter doesn't bat an eyelid. your penis will shrink by ten inches!" Weird though this is. As the Abbott explains to the ten potential recruits.not a cock shop!" "Well.. "I'm sorry. "My sons.. naked butt upwards. "I can't possibly do that. Well. Anyhow. tell me!" "Every Saturday night she goes to the cemetery to pray. teasing the men as she goes. "I can't do that!" The man looks down .. another ten inches off would be perfect! "Frog. A man walks into a watch and clock store.his cock shoots up." he mumbles. He was obviously going to have to interview them both and then decide.. Not a single erection. waiting expectantly. we must be sure that you won't be troubled by sexual impulses if join the order. confused and embarrassed. "No!" he croaks. can you jack off." he began. his penis has shrunk by ten inches again! It's now only thirty inches long! The guy thinks this is wonderful but. "I'm sorry. "please marry me!" The frog looks extremely annoyed. shakes his head and shouts." she says. any man whose bell rings will have failed the test. still.more layoffs." he shouts. When the naked woman comes into the room..sure enough. But when he gets off the bus. So he called Mary in first. balls dangling. shocked..

when they come back. She was a bit embarrassed. "I'm not God. With a red face she rubbed it out and went on with the lesson. But the next day when she came in." the man declares. and went on with the lesson. and Divorced Barbie for $265. Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19. well." The teacher walked into the classroom to find the word "penis" chalked in small letters on the board. "Oh master. The male Martian looks puzzled." he demands. Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19. and says: "Hey. The first thing they see is a Martian couple. "give me a cock that touches the floor. "it's just not long enough to go inside me!" . Again next day.95. after some discussion. "What's the matter?" "Well. keeping his hood low about his face." "Hey. he's pretty desperate too.how did you do that?" "Simple. as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house. Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19. This week I showed him. I'm the man in the bus!" "Ha-ha." the guy asks.. Ken's car. on Friday she went into the classroom to find chalked up: "See. "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19. The horse's owner goes over to the other guy. as you would..." he cries. As he finishes. "Ha-ha. there was the word "penis" again. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. So the following week. "I don't think this is going to work. Finally. Only one guy says he can do it.00. Well. his chance has finally come! "Genie. a genie flies out. Mike and Maureen naturally want to know how they have sex. it's like this. Barbie Goes Shopping for $19. It's 2022 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. "Guess what? I'm the bus driver! A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter.. I just gotta know . thinks the guy."penis"." it declaims. this went on for a whole week. "your wish is my command. but rubbed it out and went on with the class. she found the same thing again . Well. "How much is Barbie?" "Well. Sure enough. but his time he offers $200 to anyone who can make the horse cry." says the male Martian. The same guy comes up to him. every day the word penis getting bigger." The nun agrees without question. so he goes along with it and enjoys his romp with her. the nun comes in and begins to pray. the horse is sobbing. this time written slightly larger. I think. the bigger it gets!" A guy walks into a bar with his horse and offers $100 to anybody who can make the horse laugh. She goes straight to the point: "So how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish. but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex." Great. the harder you rub it." she replies. in larger letters. Sure enough.95. the horse laughs his head off. he's skeptical.95. "why is Divorced Barbie $265. then whispers to the horse and they go off to the bathroom." cries the nun. the guy is back in the bar with his horse again. and he whispers something in the horse's ear. "Like you do.50 Well..00 when all the others are only $19. "Why not?" he asks. hang on. Ken's furniture. Much to his surprise." he replies. "but maybe we'd better check it out to be sure!" So." Whereupon both his legs fell off. disappointed beyond belief.95?" "Yeah." she says. "last week I told him I had a bigger cock than him." This guy's walking along the beach when he kicks a bottle. He's got only a tiny penis about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. Amazingly. so she didn't say anything. "I am God. So she rubbed it out again.. they all agree to swap partners for one night.." says Maureen. "and you must have sex with me. Ken's boat. but why not? So Saturday night sees him in the cemetery.95.95. So he asks the assistant..

and starts to slap his forehead with his hand.. was it any good?" "I hate to say it. and he says he doesn't know. So he asks the checkout girl if she could have someone bring them. "My God. When he gets to the register. One quick feel. "all I got was a terrible headache. it misbehaves. so. "Clean up crew to check out 10!" Bill worked in a pickle factory. I'll try to make it quick. his cock grows till it's actually pretty long." says the male Martian. and asks if she could have some brought up to the register. Bill. It squirms and writhes and stretches out. he thinks. "My God. and he'd never had any sexual experience with a woman. and he starts pulling his ears. Bill. "Well. So she asks him to drop his pants for her to check. before they fall into bed and make mad. she asks him to drop his pants to check his size. what's wrong?" she asked. Bill came home one day white-faced. erecting when it shouldn't. The subject is quite simple: the joy of owning dick. grabs his cock. picks up the store intercom and says. his willy in between. so this seemed like his big chance. Mike says to Maureen." "No problem. he tells the checker that he too has forgotten to get condoms.. I mean what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh. yes. His testicles on either side. and he drops 'em. it's softly warm and loyal. With each slap. But when he gets to the register he realizes he's forgotten to pick up his condoms. horrified. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh Bill. Bill looked at her. suggested that he saw sex therapist to talk about it." she moaned. It dangles neatly down below. "One box of medium sized condoms to check out 10. As they walk along. it's smooth and mostly hairless. But at the slightest hint of lust." he says. "but it was pretty wonderful. She just kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears. but it's still quite narrow. just when you 'spect it least. she got fired too. what happened?" "I got fired. She reaches over the counter. he tells the checker he needs some condoms bringing up. How about you?" "It was horrible. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.51 "No problem. Sometimes. An organ with such lovely skin. he said. It seems to have a mind all of its own.. I did. Bill. when he gets to the check out. Drop your pants please. and she picks up the intercom and announces. his cock grows wider and wider until it's huge! "Wow!" shouts Maureen. With each pull. it's like an untamed beast. His wife. She asks him what size." Well. it's ready to uncoil. ." I have a little poem. you didn't. He thought what he'd seen was just so cool. passionate love. His wife knew something was seriously wrong." replied Bill." A few customers back was this teen-age boy. but Bill refused . the next man in line thought this was interesting and." she says. "One box of large condoms to check out 10." "No. and vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. It starts to grow so quickly when a guy's about thirteen. She replies. "Of course. Sir. "Yes. you ladies should be jealous." replies Maureen. So a few weeks later. Sure enough. "Well." This man's in the line at the supermarket check out. this is great service." Wow. "that's very impressive. A penis is a splendid thing. but I'll just check your size. terribly concerned. picks the store intercom and announces. gives him a quick feel.he'd be too embarrassed. Next day the two couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. He'd been employed there for years when he came home one day and told his wife he had a terrible compulsion." says Mike.

moles. And better yet. and more than that ." Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps.at least some folks believe. puts it back in and zips it up. he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. that is a new piece of information. with hair clumps. But handle it with love and care. If you're not careful what you do with it. The guy tells Bob. It can be up or down. Bob says. "OK. but I ain't touching it.52 A bumpy train ride sets it off. Those who have it would be devastated if it were cut off. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?" "Umm. And so I'd say with certainty That every man just loves his tool: But girls. taking care of business. "Uh. Once you've started playing with it." Bob says. And never. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him. no matter how good your intentions. It has no brain of its own. do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?" "Sure. During summer. there's no way they can pee! Masturbating is a sin . OK. it can get you in big trouble. Somehow. "No problem. scars. "Ah. it uses yours. "Why on earth did I do that?" It has no conscience and no memory. 8. "I don't know. for it will give great pleasure. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. or you'll be thrown in jail. and reeks something awful. OK. As Bob's standing there." Then the man says. 6. no shag would be complete. scabs. Some people have it. sure. sunning on the beach. Brown. "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies. wearing little. yeah. it can spread viruses. "Thanks. 5. ever bend! Why E-mail Is Like a Penis 1. 9. and then I wish it wouldn't. some don't. wondering what they'll see. I'll help you. The guy has no arms. it will do the same damn dumb things it did before. Whatever it is doing. but must admit defeat. 'cause it really can relieve. it stays with one. sir. Later you may ask yourself. but it makes it hard to get any real work done.to pee! But what seems most amazing about my one-eyed flute. but what the hell's wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says. it knows which juice to shoot." A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. rashes. Instead. 4. 7. I often check if it has grown . They sneak a look in toilets. "Mr. man. "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says. I'm sure you will agree: To start a whole new life. lick and play. it's hard to stop. Lesbians can try their best. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant. It's more fun when it's up. until one's old and frail. but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?" "And did you know we milk the . Don't take it out in public though. If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures. Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. Is seven inches long enough? It makes them quite distraught. and Bob points for him. That's just some old wives' tale. Without this super organ. It has some splendid functions. 3. be sure you never chew. A glimpse of wobbly boobs or bums will make it squirm and reach." The man asks. Being a kind soul. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do. I really appreciate it. But if another glances back at them. Just suck and fondle. 2. Bob then shakes it. It has its own agenda. Left to its own devices. it will warp your behavior.now when did I last measure? Some men will fret about their size: they give it lots of thought.

so. The woman decided to buy the frog. the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day. while she was in the middle of praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. "Well. so on Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. A few parts shy of an erector set . The husband looks up at her and says. she said. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him." said the clerk. You can catch and release a fish. "What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?" asked the woman. 180 degrees shy of heaven 14. but only screwing you once a year. sitting at the kitchen table like best buddies. and she'd never have to do that again. but said for sure he'd try it out that night. the woman did not particularly enjoy giving head. The hippie decides this is a great idea. so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God. wouldn't you go mad. she woke up to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. Performing with Flaccido Domingo 13. that's bad. If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are god and you could command her to have sex with you. Top 15 Euphemisms for Impotence 15. You can catch a fish on a 20-cent night crawler. your ass is outta here. When the bus starts on its way the driver says to the hippie. In fishing you lie about the one that got away. Ha Ha I'm the hippie!!" Then the nun jumps up and shouts "Ha Ha Ha I'm the bus driver!!" Why Fishing is Better Than Sex When you go fishing and you catch something.53 cows twice a day?" "Mr. Brown." A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. Of course. Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing. She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift. "Well. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the bus at the next stop. If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie minimum. but all of yours are so expensive". that's good. "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50. At midnight sure enough the nun showed up. looking through cookbooks. if I can teach this frog to cook. The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. first you must have sex with me. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun. She got up to go see what was going on. what's the point?" "Lady. About two in the morning. Would you like to see it?" "$50. Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither and don't want to know how many other fish you caught. The clerk said. She'd get her husband a gift he'd surely enjoy. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were very expensive. you don't have to lie and promise to still be friends after you let it go. that's interesting. In loving you lie about the one you caught. but. "I AM GOD" I have heard your prayers and I will answer them BUT .00. She went to the counter and questioned the clerk. too?" A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet.. The hippie says that he'd love to know. "I wanted to buy my husband a pet. her husband was a bit skeptical. If you're making love and you catch something. "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you". After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts "Ha. The woman went to bed that night relieved knowing she'd never have to give another blow job. It gives blow jobs.. When she got to the kitchen she saw her husband and the frog. You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.00?? For a Frog??" asked the woman. "It's a special frog. she thought his was a heck of a deal." Well.

"That was very nice but. back? A pregnant woman is in the bank when the bank is robbed. "Nurse. "Mom. the strangest thing just happened — I was using the toilet. Miraculously." he mumbles from behind the mask. I'm only here to wash your hands and feet". "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed. she pulls back the covers." The mother interrupts her and says. the first child. Several weeks later. "You passed a bullet. Unleavened Man-Bread A little girl goes to see Santa Clause at the local shopping mall. A few weeks later. "Mom. holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look. comes to his mother and says. also a daughter. "No. the doctor tells her. they have hit no vital organs. results. When she arrives and sits down on Santa's lap Santa asks "What do you want for Christmas little girl?". All Doled up with nowhere to go 3. Twelve years pass. and she assures her daughter that everything is okay. raises his gown. Barbie only 'cums' with GI Joe!" A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. "Nurse. "Mom." The mother interrupts him and says. the strangest thing just happened. my. comes to her mother and says.. After giving a full examination. the third child. a daughter. right?" The mother goes on to tell the daughter the story. are. she is unharmed. One day.. Disappointing Miss Daisy 8. He struggles again to ask." The mother explains everything. the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies. Mom — I was masturbating and shot the dog!" . a son. She is rushed to the hospital. Bouncing the Check of Love 5. Welcome to Flaccid City. A gunfight breaks out. the second child.. though. and says "There is nothing wrong with them!" Finally. the strangest thing just happened. comes to her mother and says. Less-than-Magic Johnson 4.54 12. "But Barbie comes with Ken" Santa says. Luckily. and she is shot 3 times in the abdomen. "I have good and bad news for you. and I passed a bullet. test.." The woman has 3 healthy babies. are my testicles black?" Finally... You are going to have triplets — but each baby has a bullet in it. "I don't know. "I want a Barbie and a GI Joe" says the little girl. Sch-wing and a miss 11. the young nurse replies.. right?" The son says. Not rising to the level of impeachable offense 10. and she has all but forgotten the incident in the bank.. and eventually your children will pass the bullets naturally. Population: You 2. Ascension Deficit Disorder 6. The Null Monty 9. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet. "You passed a bullet. "No. Taking the gold at the Lake Flaccid Olympics 7. Serving boneless pork 1.

While the man is back there. "Size? I didn't know they came in sizes. * When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is. or large?" The man replies. "I don't know.. The girl again asks him what a penis is. They pack the truck and head off." At that time he hears his mum calling him for lunch. As soon as she starts she stops and says." she says. * During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.. we will head off at sunrise. as a matter of fact this is the perfect penis. He goes home and eats his lunch. They get there late at night and the man says." the man answers.. "What is a penis?" The dad whips his out and says to the boy." * A prison guard is shaving your head..." * He tells you that he's never told a lie. The little girl asked the boy. He goes up to his dad and ask him. The wife isn't to pleased but realizes it's one or the other. they high-five each other. medium. He whips out his penis and says to her. The husband is furious and replies." The boy leaves to go find his friend and brings her to the woods. "To hell with the rubbers. They rise early in the morning and the husband says well. "What size do you want?" "Well. give me a hundred feet of that fence back there!" There is a little boy and a little girl in the woods. the dog didn't want to go either. * You met him in prison.55 A man goes into a drug store and asks the cashier for some rubbers. When the they return. your dick tastes like shit. I will give you 3 options. * He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser. they do. "What size?" The man replies. The cashier asks. me and the dog shoot. * He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose. what's it to be. me and the dogs are going pig shooting. you. He replies: "Yeh. * He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger. I don't know. and if it was two inches smaller it would be the perfect penis!" One afternoon a man says to his wife. Then he sees his dad on the couch. "What is a penis?" The boy replied. I don't want to go in the morning. the cashier asks. She isn't pleased but decides to give him a blow job. The wife is tired and replies." "Yes. "This is a penis. gee. The lady is used to this. or you give me a blow job or we have anal sex. "What will it be? Small. "This is a penis. so she tells him to go to the back yard and measure his dick by sticking it into each of the three holes in the fence. What happens when you give Viagra to lawyers? They grow taller! ." LAWYER JOKES YOU know you need a Different Lawyer when . the lady sneaks around to the other side of the fence and spreads her legs behind each hole as the man tests it. you.

One attorney turns to his associate and comments "Boy.there's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce. a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce. "My Daddy's a lawyer. and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce. The lawyer turns around. He asked the priest. "I'm sorry. but his firm kept receiving calls asking to speak with him. Obviously he saw the trail of slime they left!) One day." he asked. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. the receptionist who fielded the calls began to realize it was always the same voice. when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there. and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues. the river overflowed. The outraged lawyer says. do you?" A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor. and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!" A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. "My Daddy's an accountant. "Gee. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains . there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car. as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. just the regular kind". but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked. but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me. back. "No. so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?" The crusty old managing partner finally passed away." A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers. Father?" "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road. were overheard talking at the zoo one day. so she asked who it was and why he kept calling. "NOOO!" he screamed. he's dead. and then swerve back onto the road. A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. The reply: "I used to be one of his junior associates. and neck. "Tommy. "My name is Billy. I'm a lawyer. enjoy the load. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed.in fact. "how did you start the flood?" Two small boys. it's so large.how come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?" The doctor replies. "Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. Tommy replied.56 Two attorneys were walking out of a bar and a beautiful young lady walks by. they have to do a brain transplant. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor. "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well. "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well. Suddenly. and it's inoperable . I am. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it. replied Tommy. . The lawyer replied. "HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic." "Honest?" asked Billy. Finally. Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him. Finally. I would like to fuck her! The other attorney thinks for a second and said "Out of what"? One day." replied the second. and I just like to hear you say it. What are you doing here?" The doctor replied. satisfying "THUMP". he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders. "Yes. "This is a ripoff . not yet old enough to be in school. a cop came by. and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." replied the priest. it caught fire." was the standard answer." The lawyer looked puzzled. (at this point some of you are probably wondering how the trucker could distinguish the lawyers from the humans." "Well. All you care about is your possessions. "Where are you going. and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. it never would be the same.

completely beaten. but was interrupted again.000." . did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500." On a roll. so she asked who it was and why he kept calling. Climb in the truck." The lawyer interrupts.57 "No problem. he turned to the priest and said. When asked by her best friend to identify the new lover." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. so at the last minute he swerved back away." she purred.. no. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "I'm sure you could . said simply. and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied. to her surprise and delight. He thought a minute and said. she was puzzled: "All I know for sure is that it was a partner . they have to do a brain transplant. The outraged lawyer says. get down on my knees and give you the best blow job of your life. "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?" The crusty old managing partner finally passed away. narrowly missing the lawyer. Father! I'll give you a lift. I almost hit that lawyer. "I'm sorry... and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed. "I had no idea. is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology." A new female associate was romantically ambushed in a darkened room at her new firm. the United Way rep mumbled. Finally.there's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce. he still heard a loud "THUD". "I got him with the door!" Generous lawyer A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. and it's inoperable .he made me do all the work. The reply: "I used to be one of his junior associates.. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains ." "That's okay". However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer. "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep.how come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?" The doctor replies. the lawyer cut him off once again. the receptionist who fielded the calls began to realize it was always the same voice. "First. you give not a penny to charity. "or that my brother. "Um . why should I give any to you?" An attractive woman found herself alone in the elevator with a lawyer. "This is a rip-off . "So if I don't give any money to them." was the standard answer. "I'm sorry Father. "or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident. and I just like to hear you say it.but what's in it for me?" A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor. Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything. he's dead. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce. replied the priest. a disabled veteran. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him. "I could push this red button. it's so large. but his firm kept receiving calls asking to speak with him." the lawyer's voice rising in indignation.in fact.

when I was a lawyer. and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. The waiter snorts. a lawyer. finds a cannibal restaurant. and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down. Having lawyers make laws is like having doctors make diseases. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. and said. "Judge Garber has just died" said the attorney. "He said 'Get lost. a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out. After a lengthy search. An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.who would build a robot to do nothing? There's a true story about a convicted con man who was recently found to be impersonating a lawyer in New York City." Replied the governor "Well. Finally. that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.fried doctor brains for twenty bucks. he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina. in Spanish. To which the judge remarked. Stanley Livingston. put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head." Any time a lawyer is seen and not heard. and roasted attorney brains for two hundred bucks. perplexed. what is it?" grumbled the governor. saying "I don't even make that kind of money . sautéed architect brains for twenty-five bucks. "You're under arrest. it's a shame to wake him.doesn't that seem a bit steep?" The plumber replied. The specialty of the day is brains . "That's what I thought. You wouldn't dare shoot me.58 The plumber presented his customer. "So. "I should have suspected he wasn't a lawyer." . snuck up behind him. The lawyer was outraged. "and I want to take his place. in deepest Africa. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out!" But the bandit didn't speak English. asks the waiter why the attorney brains are so costly." Children who never come when called will grow up to be doctors. A lawyer's job is secure .'" An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight. "Do you know what a job it is to clean those suckers?" A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The lawyer answered. Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titanic. Children who come before they are called will grow up to be lawyers. Livingston. insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency. He was always so punctual and polite. its OK with me if its OK with the undertaker. Fortunately. a reward was offered for his capture. Gringo. with a bill charging rates of $500 an hour.

Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing. To his dismay. scuffed her feet and said. there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. so he went and took the car I stole. "I'm actually an attorney." "Thank you. and a lawyer. Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice. Adolf Hitler. "Well." replied the witness. "How much do you want it to be?" Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz. "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse." That's wonderful. The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. The lawyer said. I'd return the compliment. "If I wasn't under oath. Peter replied. How about you. he laughed and said." The lawyer pulls the drapes." The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography." sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea. "He won your acquittal." he said.59 Q: You're stranded in a deserted island with Attila the Hun." "Why ?" asked the judge. God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. "Your honor. you be first. and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!" A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. Billy's father answered the door. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. When Satan heard this. Amie." replied Carlson. "I don't mind all this attention. Peter. Amie?" Amie shyly stood up." she said. To his surprise. Then St. and greeted him warmly. an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?" The housewife replies: "Four!". Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line." said the teacher. and into a comfortable chair by his desk." "You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said. "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?" . but what makes me so special?" St. Billy's father said. and after a long trial. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time. "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine. the jury acquitted him. What do you do? A: Shoot the lawyer twice! When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet. I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients. "What about your father. "Tim. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling." It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?" A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. What do you want to have him arrested for ?" "Well. St. go and bury 20 of them. "I didn't have the money to pay his fee. A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "My father is a mailman. You have a revolver with two bullets. "She's a doctor. dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice. your honor. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. A housewife. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was.

" Yes. and throws the Lawyer through it. but I can't do that. Each summer.. lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba. sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings. 2. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says. the other three are mythological creatures. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes. leveled his gun. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer. which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful. "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied.. And the list goes on for quite awhile. Peter looks in his book and says." A Russian. the tooth fairy. and got the local backwoods sheriff.." retorted the stonecutter. Peter is listing his sins: 1. As they went around the berry patch.. that we can just throw them away. "Sorry. nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in the Ukraine. The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack. Well. the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no.. "That's Strange!" At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another. of course.". he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him.rising early and living in the great outdoors. that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place. He just had to save his friend. and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do. Saying that.a male and a female." replied the stonecutter." St. "Yes. to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. that we can just throw it away. eager to get a freebee off a lawyer. though.Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high. On one particular occasion. it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. Sure enough. and without batting an eye." replied the sheriff. "Wait. . for three reasons. the lab assistants don't get so attached to them. they had a splendid time in the country . opens the window. the American just stands up. correct?" The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies. "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell.Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case. The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. Early one morning. One more time. tore into town as fast has he could. I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer" "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer. gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy. an American and a Lawyer are in a train. an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. "In this state. "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?" The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. pours some into a glass. takes one of them. After he had made his selection. He admits all these things. I see. seeing the two bears. we have the best vodka of the world." responded the lawyer. "Certainly will.. immediately dashed for cover. drinks it. pointing to the male. I've done some charity in my life also. and SHOT THE FEMALE. "I said he was in the other!" "Exactly. The sheriff looked at the bears.. 3. and says: "In USSR. he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle thru it." Saying that. the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. The Cuban takes a pack of Havana's. the two bears were still there. A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer.. and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast." A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country. Who gets it? The old drunk. Overcharging fees to many clients. "people will read it and exclaim. However." St. Well. a Cuban. All the others are quite impressed. he throws the pack of Havana's thru the window. "Why did you switch?" "Well. wasn't so lucky. but argues. And we have so much of it. agreed. nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigar and we have so much of them. However.Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty. while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. "Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer. along came two huge Bears .60 Santa Claus. His friend. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. everybody is quite impressed. At this time. the lawyer. second. The friend.. we have the best cigars of the world: Havana. took careful aim.

he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. I just ate an attorney and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!" A stingy old attorney. telling the rancher. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store. The Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks.and the butcher hadn't brought the shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office]." The rear tiger says. "Sorry. "You know. writes the butcher a check for $8. that darned old fool. "Hey! Cut it out. After about another 5 minutes. The startled tiger turns around and says." The lawyer. the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success. anyway?" The rear tiger replies. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. . "You can't take it with you. I bluffed you!" The old rancher replied. The lawyer did his best selling job. Two tigers are stalking through the brush when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger. After about another 5 minutes." and they continue. "I said stop it!" The rear tiger says. "Well. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand." and they continue. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today. Several weeks after the funeral. was determined to prove wrong the saying." she exclaimed." What's the difference between an attorney and a trampoline? You take your boots off to jump on a trampoline. I couldn't have won the case." A group of Arab terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Convention. up in the attic cleaning. running about unleashed. "Absolutely. because that durned bull came home this morning.50 [attorneys don't carry cash -.61 A lawyer's dog. "What is it with you. "Sorry. came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation. the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. I'll tell you. who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness. A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The scene is a dark jungle in Africa. Several periods of time later -. I was a little worried about winning that case myself. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says.it's too plebeian -. already. young feller. the rear tiger once more licks the ass of the tiger in front. but I put one over on you in there. and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. without a word. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed.50. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. the old ambulance chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. "Oh. old man." "Then you owe me $8. I hate to tell you this." After much thought and consideration. "Well. do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. the deceased attorney's wife. His plan was that when he passed away. More than a hundred attorneys were taken as hostages.it could be the next day but that would be unrealistic -. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast.

" . Going by instinct." whispered Angela. As expected a large crowd gathered. "Were they all dead?" The old farmer replied. Angie took her first vacation on a luxury cruise ship." "Well put. The doctor took the flask with a shaking hand and belted back a couple of swallows. Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches. as he chooses. While sitting in a deck chair. and walked out. An attorney defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. they would release one attorney every hour. She crossed the deck and shook hands with her friend and said: "Hello. Lying in front of the car was a donkey. "Using your logic. but both were shaken up. but you know how them attorneys lie. The old farmer after seeing what happened went over to investigate. and the attorney offered the doctor a drink from a pocket flask. and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb. After years of hard work. With his attorneys assistance he detached his artificial limb." A doctor and an attorney in separate vehicles collided on I-95 one foggy night. a long-lost friend from her old hometown. "after the Highway Patrol gets here. "Aren't you going to have one too. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat." the judge replied. Being a clever sort. but he couldn't get near the car. His arm is not himself. she recognized a former high school classmate. "Well." The crowd made way for him. the local sheriff came out. I haven't seen you in years. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the attorneys. He can accompany it or not." A bus load of attorneys were driving down a country road when all of a sudden the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. saw the crashed bus. I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. and then asked the old farmer. he started shouting loudly. "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!" The attorneys looked at each other. Angela. What are you doing these days?" "I'm practicing law." The defendant smiled. An attorney was on vacation in a small farming town. While walking through the streets. for your nerves?" "Of course I am.62 The terrorist leader announced that. As the attorney started to put the cap back on the flask the doctor asked. a car was involved in an accident. unless their demands were met." replied the attorney. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them. "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim. some of them said they weren't. the attorney was eager to get to the injured. A few days later. The fault was questionable. laid it on the bench. She still thinks I'm a prostitute. "But don't tell my mother.

the expected arrival time." The guy replies.. one of the passengers stops her and says "Don‘t forget the coffee!" A guy meets a hooker in a bar. "This is your lucky night. I wish my friends were back here. you know. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says. and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar. In the first room. A newlywed couple moves into their new house. why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket. What's the difference between an attorney and a herd of buffalo? The attorney charges more. She says. I‘ve got a special game for you. well." "Uh.. I think it needs a new battery. ―That kid never learns!‖ Later. Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home. the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. and a bit about the weather. and advises them to relax and have a good flight. "What do I look like. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married. The second guys says. "Honey. ―Hey. there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. the game is over!‖ It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final. "Honey. and it's raining pretty hard. find a magic lantern containing a genie. digs out a pair of sneakers. he says to his co-pilot." A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The guy says "no. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says. ―They're all at the funeral.63 What's the definition of a tragedy? A busload of attorneys crashes off a cliff and one seat is empty. I‘ll do absolutely anything you want for $300. Three years later. and says. "What do I look like. we call him an accomplice." "I don't need to outrun the bear. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested. "The seat is empty. what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. Then. he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "I just need to outrun you. in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking. people are standing in shit up to their necks. or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head." said the man. "Hey.. She says. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested. The second guy wishes the same. the car won't start. The first guys drops his backpack. and he comes home from work and his wife says. but she passed away. "Well. noticing that the seat next to him is empty. son?‖ The boy takes the quarters and leaves." A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. "Honey. I'm so sorry to hear that. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." the first guy says. He asks his wife what happened. could you fix it?" The husband says." she says. "Oh. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future attorney? She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney. and the roof is fixed. then calls the boy over and asks. He sits down. ―Which do you want. Watch while I prove it to you. actually. ―Because the day I take the dollar. So is the car. "Betty Crocker?" Three guys. Satan opens the door to the . the seat belongs to me. The snail says "What the hell was that all about?" A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Mr. He tells them at what altitude they‘ll be flying." In the second room. "No. "No" says the neighbor." she says.‖ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other. Wife says: "Nothing. son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?‖ The boy licked his cone and replied. He opens it and sees the same snail.‖ he says. shows him doors to three rooms. and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like. The third guy says "I‘m lonely. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Finally. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. who grants them each one wish. let me see the next room. The wife finds a leak in the roof. and frantically begins to put them on. "What are you doing? Sneakers won‘t help you outrun that bear. I was supposed to come with my wife. people are standing with shit up to their noses. when the customer leaves. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by. Mr." Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up. That's terrible." "This is incredible. "What do I look like. as long as you can say it in three words. "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob. we call him a defense attorney. a friend or relative. Plumber?" A few days go by. ―What did I tell you?‖ said the barber." "Oh." On a passenger flight." All the passengers hear it. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. slowly: "Paint…my…house. I had a handyman come in and fix them. ―This is the dumbest kid in the world. So is the plumbing. Satan meets him. stranded on a desert island. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. forgetting to turn off the microphone. But couldn't you find someone else. Guy says no again. there‘s a knock on the door.

have a big lunch. " He turns and asks the dog: "Who. I don‘t get it. She asks the middle child what he wants. okay. He rubs it and a genie comes out. And the dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?" Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. On the way out Satan yells. 'Well. "I pick this room. "I don‘t know. "Well. my god..." he says meekly. Then I go back sleep. After a minute. everyone buys me drinks. It's a woman. who is delivering a baby. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. (Jerry Seinfeld) A guy tells his psychiatrist: ‗It was terrible." "Oh. then open it. (Richard Jeni) Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money." I always look for a woman who has a tattoo." says Sid "So that's what heaven is like?" "Oh no. Says to the patrons. "Turn the lake into beer. and wake up the next day. "He says you‘re gonna die." The guy ruins back to his friend. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try. He is losing his patience. but I get up for lunch. "All dogs go ‗roof‘." The crowd agrees. The mother is outraged at his language. drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. "but I definitely don‘t want the fuckin‘ French toast. "I‘ll go into town for a doctor. a pretty violent image there. He brings it to a talent scout. I see a woman with a tattoo. The mother asks the oldest boy what he‘d like to eat. come on. coffee break's over." A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator." the guys says to the dog. wait. Some things just can't be changed. The guy says." "No. "No." he claims to the unimpressed agent. Now we've got to piss in the boat. "So what do you think?" The other guy says.. and I'll remove my unit unscathed. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" goes the dog. The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I'm a bear in Yellowstone Park. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town‘s only doctor." The genie looks concerned. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. "Oh." the other says. cut a little X where the bite is. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. How could she do this to me?" "Well. lots of sex. I was away on business.K. It's Irv. Then I have sex. Sport. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. "Peace in the Middle east. smacks him..." TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains. And the talent scout. "Here‘s a deal. "Maybe she didn‘t see the email. "I‘ll have some fuckin‘ French toast.for my whole life I've never receievd oral sex from my wife." she says. "This one will amaze you. Gator closes mouth. the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. People are standing with shit up to their knees." he says." he says. Go to sleep. and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. and I‘m thinking. He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. Do you have another wish?" The guys says 'Well. hang on. Huge dinner. I think if you've got a Tshirt with a bloodstain all over it. hits him. The gator will close his mouth for one minute. suck out the poison and spit it on the ground. and I emailed my wife that I‘d be back a day early." the guy says. in your opinion. Take a nap. have a big breakfast. He says. and sends him away. "Here‘s that $20 I owe you. Everyone buys him drinks." Two Irish guys are fishing. He says to the other guy. "I can‘t leave. The gator opens wide. here‘s a gal who‘s capable of making a decision she‘ll regret in the future. "So there is an afterlife! What's it like?" Sid asks." Satan says okay and starts to leave. That would be my wish. "I'm not in heaven. Everyone back on your heads!" A guy has a talking dog. "O. Then one day he gets a call. "You jerk. boots them out of his office onto the street. "what‘s on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. figures there is no afterlife. that's my wish. and sends him upstairs. "I'll give it a try. "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle. Have some more sex. and he removes his genitals unscathed. a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. having seen enough." Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. Sid and Irv are business partners.64 third room. ‗What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. a hand goes up in the back of the bar. who is in agony." The genie pauses for another moment and then says "How would you define peace?" . maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem." he says. promises to grant him one wish." says Irv." says the psychiatrist. Sid doesn't hear from him for about a year. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. ‗But here‘s what to do." A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing genie. I get up. that's just not possible. She is livid." the talent agent responds." After a while. then says "No." the guy says. More sex. So Irv dies. I sleep very late. If it works." the doctor says." he says. As he's taking it off the hook. I'm sorry. "This dog can speak English. I guess that leaves more fuckin‘ French toast for me. "Okay. Take a knife.

or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God. watch your health. One billion. about to jump off. "Cold floors. or why they‘re dead. famed for his silence. The dealer has a six showing. Like the night before that last earthquake hit. "I quit. we had an enormous feast. "Saul." the elders say. (Bob Hope/Gene Perret) A guy shows up late for work. and then I killed them and took their land. It reaches the green. go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand. (A. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. and sat down again. "That‘s not surprising. Seven more years pass." I was walking across a bridge one day. "Reformed Baptist Church of God. and a guy comes over and asks "Are you reading that?" I didn‘t know what to say. turned the page." "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant ? "Protestant. sells his store. the frog croaks and drops the ball. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. exasperated. "Saul ." the voice commands. "Saul. (Jon Stewart) . So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. our family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona." They nod and send him away. "Well. After the first seven years. and said "Mr. "Okay. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?" I have a large seashell collection. there are still a thousand others exactly like you. having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers." He replied: "You lose. heretic scum".65 My grandfather always said. The voice says ‗Saul." he says. "You‘ve done nothing but complain since you got here. He has twenty. It‘s another ace. (David Brenner) I went to the psychiatrist. "Die. They bring him in for his two words. He breathes easy. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house. you're ugly too!" (Rodney Dangerfield) They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming. Twenty one. "Bad food. Hit me. "Saul. He‘s dealt an 18. a woman approached Calvin Coolidge." He asks why. That means even if you‘re a one in a million kind of guy." He hesitates but knows he must. "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" "Christian. are you religious?" He said yes. Seven more years pass. It‘s in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus." he says." He obeys. down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. sell your business. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. Nineteen. there's so much to live for!" "Like what?" "Well." "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" "Baptist" "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" "Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God. Jesus is up next." So one day while I was watching my health. He clears his throats and says. reformation of 1915?" He said. St. take another card.. An eagle swoops down. but it‘s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses. It was my grandfather. Saul gets an ace." After weeks of this. As the eagle flies over the green. (Ellen Degeneres) I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I have twenty! Saul shouts. (Laura Kightlinger) At a White House party. onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter." What? The dealer has -. Whitney Brown) I was on the subway. take a card. "Don't watch your money. "Saul. (Steven Wright) Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough. They nod and send him away. reformation of 1879. He gets another ace."Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. It goes on for days. and pushed him off." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. "Saul. He says. President. goes to a casino.. which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. I made a bet I can get more than two words out of you. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna fuck around?" Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul. or how you met." I tell him I want a second opinion. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. someone stole my money. I stood up. The booming voice goes: "unfucking-believable!" A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he‘s allowed to say two words every seven years. the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. take another card. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot. grabs the frog." Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. So I said yes. (Jackie Mason) I can‘t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name. Voice says. Bounces off a truck. He slices it. go to Las Vegas. he relents. (Emo Philips) China has a population of a billion people. and I saw a man standing on the edge. and he says "You're crazy. or Reformed Baptist Church of God. reformation of 1915!" I said. sitting on a newspaper. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. take the $3 million to Las Vegas.Saul says. I said. sell your business for $3 million." He ignores it.

In the morning. (Dick Gregory) I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken. and I picked up that chicken. and they won‘t know why. "I charge $50 for three questions.so now it's just a waiting game." Churchill replies. "Father O‘Malley. Believe it or not. "Sir." the lawyer replies. (Redd Foxx) I failed my driver‘s test. her 19 year old sister. and in my entire life I‘ve never felt better. "Now what‘s your final question?" An old woman is upset at her husband‘s funeral." says the priest." (Ronnie Shakes) I was so ugly when I was born." So I put down my knife and fork.. ma‘am" and yells back. "Madam. here‘s where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?" (Henny Youngman) I was coming back from Canada." And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach. Why are you telling me?" And the guy goes: "I‘m telling everybody!" Jack Benny is walking down the street. (Rodney Dangerfield) A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea." he says. switch the heads on two and four!" . dying. Because someday they‘re going to be in a hospital bed." My sister was with two men in one night. You wrap it up. But as she goes out the door you realize she‘s given you two $100 bills. I don‘t know… look around. and these three cousins.66 A lady at a party goes up to Winston Churchill and tells him.. and I kissed it." He goes: "Not in a row!" (Steven Wright) Last time I was down South. I beg of you. (Bill Dwyer) A father is explaining ethics to his son. act like they just woke up and go." "My good man. I‘m currently involved with a 28 year old girl. "please God. "Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. you are drunk. when a stick-up man pulls out a gun and says "Your money or your life!" An extremely long silence follows. and also. "my name is Emil Cohen. "Yes. Can you imagine? Two dinners! (Sarah Silverman) My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -.. I shall be sober. "No hablo ingles. good as new. then." So I opened up the box. the sign says you're open 24 hours. She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!" (Myron Cohen) A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. "Ed. She could hardly walk after that. "I think you‘ve come to the wrong place. She pleads. bring him back. Finally Benny says "I‘m thinking!" After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. we‘re gonna do to you. and sure enough. When I got there. who is about to go into business. I said. I was in a restaurant and ordered some chicken. "You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit" The mortician says "We‘ll take care of it. "Do you have any firearms with you?" I said: "What do you need?" (Steven Wright) Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. I‘m seventy eight years old. The guy asked me "what do you do at a red light?" I said. the doctor slapped my mother. when somebody comes up. and you give it to her. listen to the radio… (Bill Braudis) I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out. we‘re givin‘ you fair warnin‘. you know the ones I mean. come up and say "Boy. We engage in all manner of pleasure. She pays you with a $100 bill." the lawyer says. you are ugly. (Henny Youngman) I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don‘t want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff. Anything you do to that chicken. Now. Klu. I'm just looking. They said "Can I help you?" and he said "No. driving through Customs. Kluck and Klan. the guy was locking the front door. (Brian Kiley) I know a guy who called up the Home Shopping Network. He said. isn‘t it?" the guy asks. save my only grandson. on the side. and the guy asked. "Your money or your life!" the thug repeats. "What was that?!" (Jack Handey) A guy asks a lawyer what his fee is. "That‘s awfully steep." (George Miller) I feel sorry for people who don‘t drink or do drugs. "Hey.

please bring me some coffee. I can walk down any street in America and women will clutch their purses tighter.' The genie went Poof!'. Is that clear?" His son looks at him and says: "Too late. "I got six months.. If this is tea. "I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months. "How did you get such a huge orange head?" The guy says.67 The only thing I know about Africa is that it's far.'" I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for member.. but three good leads." The doctor says.. Ten million dollars." he says." he says. you‘ve got it made. "Well. I'll grant you three wishes. I'd like a huge orange head. you know? The one guy who would have supported him. and turns to face his son. far away. One snowman turns to the other and says. The doctor says. douchebag. and I don‘t ever want to hear you saying it." He said. He's getting old. my parents threw a going away party for me. he thinks he's a chicken. (Chris Rock) Two snowmen are standing in a meadow. my brother's crazy. "I was angry at that driver. according to the letter." says the priest. (Johnny Carson) I went to my doctor and told him "my penis is burning. I'd like all the money I could ever spend. (Paula Poundstone) I knew these Siamese twins.what is your first wish?' I said. the butcher's daughter?" the preist asks. (Abraham Lincoln) Mario Andretti has retired from race car driving. the boy's friends ask what happened. son. "Your father just said a bad word." (Rodney Dangerfield) A Catholic teenager goes to confession.." (Garry Shandling) If this is coffee. And what is your third wish?'. "I promised not to tell!" he says. (George Burns) A man is driving his five year old to a friend‘s house when another car races in front and cuts them off. But just because I said it.. "Do you smell carrots?" A guy with a huge orange head goes in to see a doctor." says the boy. and there she was. "We would. I'd like a beautiful woman to love me. If you can fake that. and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can't be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is. They moved to England. and he shot him." Last night. please bring me some tea. "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said." Sincerity is everything. and I still won't tell!" 'Was it Mary Francis. and there it was. They‘ve already dialed 9-1. (Emo Philips) I was making love to this girl and she started crying. You know. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. What a tough break. "No. one day I was walking down the beach when I tripped over an old lantern.." The guy who shot Robert Kennedy. but that was no excuse for what I said. That's a good thing. I hate myself now. What is your second wish?' I said." As if someone is going to pay $200 a ticket to see a 57-year-old carpet salesman get hit in the face once and cry. It was wrong. "Well. it doesn‘t make it right.and are just waiting for me to do something wrong.I said. The boat ride's so long." Outside." "Was it Mary Elizabeth. "Doc. (Larry Miller) I was born a suspect. Once he even told the parole board that if Kennedy was alive today. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion. About a thirty-five hour flight. (Chris Rock) I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. Then the genie said. "That means somebody is talking about it. "No.and I think this is where I went wrong. for that kind of money. I‘d fight him. 'Well. "Was it Mary Patricia. (Groucho Marx) A man goes to a psychiatrist and says. Sirhan Sirhan. whatever you desire. he would speak in his favor and say let him go. Then he said. nearly causing an accident. "Douchebag!" the father yells. (Jon Stewart) . there are still slaves on their way here. (Steven Wright) When I went to college. I said. a gorgeous girl who immediately loved me. the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.' The genie went Poof!'. pulls over. If I look up into the windows of the apartments I pass I can see old ladies on the phone. the baker's daughter?" "No. so the other one could drive. lock their car doors. someone I could enjoy this money with. it was so cold. and I said I wouldn't tell. goes up for parole every year. But we need the eggs. A genie came out and said. all the money I could ever spend. the printer's daughter?" "No. "Why don't you turn him in?" The guy says. hold onto their Mace. (Steven Wright) There‘s always one of my uncles who watches a boxing match with me and says "Sure.

" the lawyer argues." (Rita Rudner) A comedian is sitting at the bar of a comedy club late one night when a beautiuful woman comes up to him and says "I saw you perform tonight. A major game there was Pin the Blame on the Donkey. I used to pay my check. I guess ugga bugga. Crickets. it‘s the third comic‘s turn. which I also keep handy. UGGA BUGGA! Three comedians are shooting the breeze at the back of a nightclub after a late gig. I want to take you home and give you the hottest night of sex you‘re ever had. it‘s usually hilarious. On my metaphysics final. (Richard Lewis) Animals may be our friends. (Rita Rudner) New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move. "Isn‘t 44 funny?" "Sure. now." That‘s now escalated into "You care care of yourself. (George Wallace) I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake. they‘ve reached the point where they don‘t need to say the jokes anymore to amuse each other – they just need to refer to each joke by a number. they'd say "Thank you. "Did you see the first show or the second show?" A car hits a Jewish man. but my friends scare me. you‘re eighty two. "There must be some mistake. When the big moment comes. but he uses one of those yellow highlighters. I'd use one for parts. I don‘t mind him reading lips. according to out calculations. The chief then asks the second minister. Fields) I believe Dr. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me. and the others break up." The comedian looks at her and says." (Henny Youngman) My grandfather is hard of hearing. But first." they answer. One of my friends told me she was in labor for thirty six hours. Peter: "We added up your time sheets. (W. "No. "Well." and shouts "DEATH. ""Number 53!" says the second guy. I quit. But they won‘t pick you up at the airport." A guy has a parrot that can sing and speak beautifully. and they howl. "You can‘t fire me. He takes it to the synagogue on Rosh Hashonah and makes a wager that the bird can conduct the High Holiday service better than the temple‘s cantor." "Fifty five?" says Saint Peter. "Now you have a choice. There are guys in Alabama who are their own father.C. The guy is outraged. so I suppose it must be death. (Brian Kiley) We had a depression fair in the back yard." The chief shouts "UGGA BUGGA!" and 30 members of the tribe attack and sodomize the first missionary. He takes the bird home and is about to kill it when the bird finally speaks: "Schmuck! Think of the odds we‘ll get on Yom Kippur!" At the airport they asked me if anybody I didn‘t know gave me anything. The paramedic rushes over and says. I think he‘s great. I don‘t even want to do anything that feels good for thirty-six hours." The other day I paid my check – the waiter said. or ugga bugga. "Are you comfortable?" The guy says: "I make a good living. Kevorkian is onto something. the parrot is silent. death or ugga bugga. "I‘m too young to die. though. He needs to read lips. I‘m only fifty five. He gets nothing. and in the middle of dinner he turned to me and said "Is it hot in here. "44!" he quips. "Very well. The chief says to them. "You have a choice – death. "But the way you tell it…" I want to have children. Because suicide is our way of saying to God. (Bobcat Goldthwait) I was thrown out of NYU. Even the people I know don‘t give me anything. (Woody Allen) If I ever have twins. my religion does not allow me to choose ugga bugga. they caught me cheating. "What?" he asks." The chief says." He says "well. (Steven Wright) Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson. or am I crazy?" (Gilbert Gottfried) ." (Bill Maher) Two ministers doing missionary work in the South Seas are captured by a tribe and tied to stakes." The first guy says. (David Letterman) I worked some gigs in the Deep South…Alabama…You talk about Darwin‘s waiting room. "Number 37!" cracks the first comic. and you‘re the funniest guy I‘ve ever seen." "How‘s you get that?" the lawyer asks. They‘ve heard one another‘s material so much. Finally. "Don‘t put off that mammogram." That graduated into "Have a nice day. Answers St.68 A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. (Dennis Miller) Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring.

It‘s a shark riding on an elephant‘s back. "OK!" said Florence. In football you receive a penalty.697 cartons of cigarettes as a business expense. in baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody. The tax man said. Football is concerned with downs. the food here is just terrible.how about you?" The first actor says.and when he shows up. they tell him there'll be a ten-minute wait. They turned around and saw a big black bear coming towards them." (Dick Gregory) L. One says: "How long has it been since you had a job?" The other actor says "Thirty two years -. I only have to outrun you! "What shall we play today?" said Florence to her best friend Jenny. In football the specialist comes in to kick. "I'm in the secret service. in baseball you make an error. "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" Paul's friend replied.69 Last year. just trampling and eating everything they see. "I'm already in the Army of the Lord. (George Carlin) Take my wife…please (Henny Youngman) Jokes for your friends Paul and his best friend were coming out of church one day. "Don‘t ever let us catch you without a cigarette in your hand." Pastor questioned." The other shakes her head and adds.A. baseball is concerned with ups. You can't outrun that bear!' The first man said. Pastor. "You know. (Dennis Miller) In football you wear a helmet." (Woody Allen) Contrary to what most people would say. and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. I deducted 10. in baseball you wear a cap. The man smelled like a guy eating cheese while getting a permanent inside the septic tank of a slaughterhouse. there's a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson -. Both men started to run when one of them stopped to change into tennis shoes. "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back. I haven't had a job in forty years!" The other says. 'I know I can't outrun the bear. He grabbed his friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him." Two friends were walking through the woods when they thought they heard something. "And such small portions." said Jenny. (Bill Maher) Two old ladies are in a restaurant. "That's nothing. The second man said 'You don't have time to change shoes." A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married? . (Jack Handey) Two old actors are sitting on a bench. "But I'm going to be absent. One complains. is so celebrity-conscious. "One of these days we've got to get out of this business!" I had a cab driver in Paris. "Let's play schools. the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant.

" The man below says: "Yes. "Jack. but I don't know where I am. You are in a hot air balloon. "Surely you have met at least on girl that you wanted to marry." "Yes." .. walks all the way out to Shankar and asks him. I guess she was the one perfect girl. After roaming all day long under the hot sun. "you don't know where you are. looking at nothing. but I have no idea what to make of your information." said the friend. when he spots his friend Shankar standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. "Excuse me. doing nothing. I guess I just never met the right woman . John woke up his friend. He reduces height and spots a man down below. what are you doing?" Shankar replies. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that Shankar is just standing there. "everything you have told me is technically correct. The only perfect girl I really ever met. once. there was one girl . and the fact is I am still lost." Pritam is driving down the Delhi-Amritsar highway." "You must be an engineer" says the balloonist. come on now.70 Replied the gentleman. "She was looking for the perfect man. latitude. I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl. She was just the right everything ." asked the friend. says the man. longitude. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me.. but now it is somehow my fault. and you expect me to solve your problem. "Well. and between 58 and 60 degrees W. "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize. "but how did you know?" "Well". hovering approximately 30 feet above this field." "Well." The man below says "You must be a manager." Two adventurers John and Jack were hunting for gold in the desert. "How did you know." "How?" asks Pritam. or where you are going. puzzled. look up at the sky and tell me what you see. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep.." he said." "I am" replies the balloonist. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me. Some hours later. "Well I heard they give the Noble Prize to people who are out standing in their field. why didn't you marry her." "Oh. "I am" replies the man. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met. Pritam gets out of the car. they set up their tent and fell asleep. can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago." "Well" says the balloonist.. A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost.

He was asked what had happened. money It can buy a House But not a Home It can buy a Bed But not Sleep It can buy a Clock But not Time It can buy you a Book But not Knowledge It can buy you a Position But not Respect It can buy you Medicine . the other for myself. Jack thought for a minute and said. "Because it has still not occurred to you that someone has stolen our tent. John spoke. money.' Money. First is that." Jack looked at John.you are an idiot. Time wise. They were inseparable friends and spent their evenings drinking together. it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.' Suddenly one evening Tom was seen with only one glass on his table. they went to different states and settled. So I take a sip from each . "I can see millions of stars. surprised.. they could not decide upon any game. I have given up drinking but Timothy has written that he has not. After retirement. Astrologically." replied John. it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Jenny and Jinny were thinking what to play during the afternoon. "Why do you say so?" he said. Theologically. Two friends. Meteorologically.one on behalf of Timothy. She turned to Jinny and said excitedly. this one is mine.. So I have put away my glass and drink only on behalf of my friend. they kept correspondence through letters and e-mails. What does it tell you?" After a moment of silence. Jenny had an idea. "Let's play schools". To keep the memory of their boozing bouts alive. he explained: 'This glass is Timothy's. it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. 'You see. Tom always filled two glasses with rum and water and sipped from each alternately! When somebody asked him why he did so. "It tells two things to me. it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant." "What does that tell you?" asked John. For a long time. He replied. "But I'm going to be absent. Suddenly. "OK!" said Jinny." Tom and Timothy were in the same regiment in the army. "Astronomically speaking. However.71 Jack looked up and replied.

no problem.." Well. and for the spirit in which they were given!" Forward these jokes to your friend now! Click here! Golf ball Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off.. he asked. "Are you sure?". Joe. Money isn't everything. "you see." "Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?" The other guy replied. What are you going to do then?" "No problem. waiting to see the minister's embarrassment. The other guy replied that no. You see. for his kind gift of peaches . this ball is fluorescent. I'll be able to get it back -. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas. Let's say our game goes late. and you hit your ball into a sand trap." he replied. the minister hurriedly agreed and left. "Okay.72 But not Health It can buy you Blood But not Life So you see.. So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. And it often causes pain and suffering. I'll be able to see it in the dark. and as your Friend I want totake away your pain and suffering. but his passion was for peach brandy. he only needed the one." says the other guy. In his haste to get the bottle. hoping for his usual Christmas present. "This is a very special golf ball. "Before we begin. the friend persisted. the sun goes down. That morning. he was not disappointed.. when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball." the friend asked." Exasperated. The minister climbed into the pulpit and said. I tell you all this because I am your Friend. I'll be able to retrieve it. So send me all your money and I will suffer for you. I won't lose it so I don't need another one. the friend asks. "Don't you have at least one other golf ball?". "this special golf ball floats. his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face. I would very much like to thank my friend. A more true Friend you will never find:-) Espirit de spirit The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then. I have an announcement." . One year. "That's okay too. this special golf ball has a homing beacon. "What happens if you lose that ball?" The other guy replied. "what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?" "That's okay. when the minister went to visit his friend. but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday.

on the way back and visit with your friend from class. and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands." Lord's Army A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day.I mean it! As soon as it's over you are going to start that paper. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either." Pastor questioned. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Pastor. where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?" The other guy replies. "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back. comfortable chair in a clean. 21. well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. the friend asks. 6. 19. 7. the course. The Pastor said to him. you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26. 11. Sit in a straight.step by step 1. you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. the university. 14. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. savor its special flavor. 17. double-spaced. 2. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV. 3. 12. 9. . Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. and the world at large. Ask who everyone is. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that's it-. 10. "I found it. You know. roll the words across your tongue. sit in a straight. If your friend shows you his paper. "Hey. Stop off at another floor. Sit in a straight. 18. 15.73 Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror. 4. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it. Preston of the Yukon. drop him. is truly worthwhile. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he's started writing yet. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate. trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall. 16. 13. 5. and bound in one of those irritating see-through plastic folders. 20. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order. Read over the assignment carefully. to make certain you understand it. "I'm in the secret service. When you get back to your room. "I'm already in the Army of the Lord. "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" My friend replied." Do your homework . Discuss the finer points of the plot. anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. typed. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours. comfortable chair in a clean. 8. Listen to the other side. Read over the assignment again.

Read over the assignment one more time. 24. Leap up and write the paper. Lie face down on the floor and scream at the top of your lungs. 28. just for the heck of it. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise. Type the paper. 23. 25. 26. well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 27. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write the paper.74 22. comfortable chair in a clean. . Sit in a straight.

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