This action might not be possible to undo. Are you sure you want to continue?
FRIENDSHIP JOKES ☻Everyone hears what you say... Friends listen to what you say... Best friends listen to what you don't say... ☻Friends are like stars. You can't always see them, But you know they are always there for you... ☻Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart. ☻As long as we have memories, yesterday remains; as long as we have hope, tomorrow awaits. As long as we have Friendship, each day is never a waste. ☻Good frenz are like quilts... it never loses its warmth... ☻GOD is so wise that he never created FRIENDS with price tags, Because..... if He did, I can't afford a precious FRIEND like YOU!!! ☻thE tEst oF fRiEndsHip dOseN't cOmeS wHen u R 2GethEr. It cOmEs wHeN u ParT waYs & u ReaLizE tHat dEsPitE tHe dIsTanCe, thE fRiEndshIp iS sTilL tHeRe... ☻True friends are like Diamonds... they are real and rare. False friends are like leaves... they are scattered everywhere. ☻FRIENDSHIP isn't how U forGet but how U forGive, Not how U liSten but how U UnderStand, Not what U see but how U feel, and not how U Let Go but how U hold oN!!! ☻FriEndSHiP iS A PRiCeLeSs GiFt tHaT cAn'T Be BoUgHt Or SoLd, BuT To Have An UnDeRsTaNdiNg FriEnd iS FaR MoRe WoRtH tHaN GoLd~! ☻If you need advice, text me... If you need a friend, call me... If you need me, come to me... If you need money... ........... THE SUBSCRIBER CANNOT BE REACHED! ☻FRIENDSHIP is like a tree... It is not MEASURED on how TALL it could be, but is on how DEEP the ROOTS HAVE GROWN... ☻In this WORLD, where everything seems UNCERTAIN, only one thing is DEFINITE. You'll always be my FRIEND, beyond WORDS, beyond TIME & beyond DISTANCE! ☻I believe in angels, the kind that heaven sends. I'm surrounded by angels but I call them my best friends. ☻Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was choice, but falling in love with you was completely out of my control. ☻A memory lasts forever, and never does it die. True friends stay together and never say good bye. ☻The ship that will never sink is my friendship with you. ☻I met U as a stranger, I leave U as a friend, as long as the world stands, our friendship nv ends. All friends nv split N even if they do they will meet again. ☻I always thought loving some1 was the greatest feeling, but I realised tat loving a friend is even better, we lose ppl we love but we never lose true friends.
☻EveRyDay I seE LoTs oF StRangErS PasSiNg By mE, ThiS mAkeS mE reAlisED tHat, LifE woUlD be BORING, WiThoUt A FriEnD LiKE U... ☻We gain and lose things every day. But trust me on one thing: YOU WILL NEVER LOSE ME! I will always be there as a friend! ☻A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart. ☻The times we shared is like shooting star... the time is short but really beautiful moments.... Forever engraved in our hearts.... Friends forever~!!! ☻We've known each other by CHANCE, became friends by CHOICE, still friends by DECISION. And when we say FRIEND FOREVER, that's definitely a lifetime PROMISE! ☻If friends were flowers I would not pick you! I'll let you grow in the garden & cultivate you with love and care so I can keep you as a friend 4ever!! ☻A ring is round and has no end.... and that's how long I'll be your friend. ☻There is a gift that gold cannot buy, a blessing dats rare & true, dats the gift of a wonderful friend like the friend dat i have in u! ☻Wat u see as truth wat u see as lies remember that true friendship never dies although we may change & drift apart, ill always value u deep within my heart! ☻A friend is never a coincidence in your life, they are meant to enter your life to bring you joy and laughter. So, i will treasure the friendship between us. ☻If you are in trouble, If you need a hand, Just call my number, because I'm your friend! ☻Whenever I see your smiling face, I have to smile myself, because I like you, you're my friend!!! ☻Nostalgia is not what it used to be. ☻Those who think that things happen too fast are expected in a bank or a post office! ☻Make your life a house your heart can live in. With a door that is open to receive friends. And a garden full of memories.... of many good things. ☻You cannot buy friendship, you can earn it. If someone comes for help, be a true friend ! ☻A friend is always welcome ... Early in the morning or late at night. Time is of no importance ... When it concerns real friendship!! ☻Friendship is a wonderful word, it might be the most beautiful one on earth. Friendship is something powerful, a gift of great value! ☻No gold or precious stones ... give us happiness and peace, friendship and its warmth ... will bring it to us
☻There is a big difference between friendship and a rose... Roses last only a while ... but friendship is for ever ☻I asked God 4 a flower, he gave me a garden. Asked 4 a tree, he gave me a forest. Asked 4 a river, he gave me an ocean. Asked 4 a friend, he gave me you ☻Friends are like stars... you don't see them all the time, but you know they're there! ☻Life is not easy and it will never be, but you've got friends and one of them is me ... ☻I must have been born under a lucky star , to find a friend as nice as you are. I will follow the rainbow to the end , if you promise to remain my friend !!! ☻When friendship is deeply rooted, it is a plant that cannot even be uprooted by a storm.... ☻My "aim" in life is: die young when I am very old. ☻When you are lazy, you cannot help it. When you are tired, that is your own fault. ☻A friend is someone who knows when you need her... ☻A ring is round and has no end, so is my love for you my friend. ☻If my head looks like yours, I'd shave my rear end and walked on my hands. ☻Mirrors should be able to think before reflecting the images. ☻A friend is someone who knows the song of your heart and who can sing it for you when you have forgotten it ☻Friend: someone who tells you things while you are alive, things that others tell after you die ☻You can eat and drink together, talk and laugh together, enjoy life together, but you are only real friends when you also cried together. ☻Wherever you go, whatever you do, may god's angels watch over you. ☻Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver the other gold. ☻A little clown is living in my heart. Small and very special. It can dance and jump, laugh and sing. Are you in pain and you need to cry, come and borrow it! ☻I would not call myself important, but I am convinced that when I was not born, everyone would like to know why. ☻The only good thing about your own mistakes, is that is might make other people happy. ☻Not the lack of love, but the lack of friendship makes marriages unhappy. ☻A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart. ☻The times we shared is like shooting star... the time is short but really beautiful moments.... Forever engraved in our hearts.... Friends forever~!!! ☻KeEping a FRIEND is As Difficult AS losing one. U sacrifice A lot To keep them. I may not have sacrificed enuf 4 u... but in
tears may dry. ☻There is a gift that gold cannot buy. that's definitely a lifetime PROMISE! ☻If friends were flowers I would not pick you! I'll let you grow in the garden & cultivate you with love and care so I can keep you as a friend 4ever!! ☻When i'm walking in front of u. When you do not pay attention.4 my HEART I swear I'm keeping U.. ☻Happiness is a disaster. Feel better when somebody Loves u.but it is sweeter when its TRUE! But u know what? Its sweetest when its you. years may fly. ☻A friend gives hope when life is low. but the lack of friendship makes marriages unhappy. a friend is true. still friends by DECISION. ☻I visited the tax office. I would not call myself important. ill always value u deep within my heart! ☻A friend is never a coincidence in your life. When i'm beside u i'm there for u. ☻One day u will ask me: What is more important to you. all angels in heaven know I need u. when i'm behind u. ☻A ring is round and has no end. is that is might make other people happy. became friends by CHOICE. I have to go to a funeral. You get lazy. a blessing dats rare & true. ☻Not the lack of love. But they switched my in the hospital. ☻Flowers need sunshine. and that's how long I'll be your friend. ☻A new meeting next month ? Sorry. ☻We've known each other by CHANCE. but I am convinced that when I was not born. When i'm alone.. you might start loving life.I'm protecting u. And when we say FRIEND FOREVER. I'm watching over u. violets need dew. ☻A friend is sweet when its new….. but my friendship with u will never die. ☻I was a beautiful baby. So. The only type he knew was his blood type. they are meant to enter your life to bring you joy and laughter. a friend is a place when you have nowhere to go. everyone would like to know why. ☻The only good thing about your own mistakes. ☻He was very lonely. . dats the gift of a wonderful friend like the friend dat i have in u! ☻Wat u see as truth wat u see as lies remember that true friendship never dies although we may change & drift apart.I'm thinking of u. me or your life? I will say: my life… You will walk away from me without knowing that U R MY LIFE!!! ☻Feel good when somebody Miss u. i will treasure the friendship between us. But feel best when somebody never forgets u. A friend is precious a friend is u. that is not possible. I wanted to know the people I work for.. a friend is honest.
I will give u a tree. and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying. ☻Always draw a circle around the ones you love. if u r a Teddy Bear u r the most huggable. 5.I am lucky to have spent less than half my life finding you & wish to spend the rest keeping you. ☻When God opened the window of the Heaven He asked me: What is your wish for today? ―I said : please take special care of the person reading this!!!!!!!‖ ☻Time might lead me to nowhere and faith might break into pieces but I will always be THANKFUL that once in my life‘s journey we became FRIENDS! ☻It takes half our life to find true friends & half of it keeping them. u got the intelligence and u sure got the body. ☻The NHS regrets to inform you that your birth was an accident. it beems to be special breed. and since u r my ―FRIEND‖ u r the ―BEST‖!!!!!!!!! ☻A special friend is rare indeed.. live on ur cheeks & die on ur lips!!!!! ☻If u r a chocolate ur the sweetest. Go to sleep and when you wake up. if friendship is life I will give u mine. ☻They say it takes a minute 2 fine a special person. smelling of expensive perfume. ☻U got style. but circles are never ending. Before she leaves. If hugs were leaves.5 ☻If kisses were water. "Chanel No. $200 an ounce!" About three floors later. perfect friends r very few. ☻People live People die People Laugh People Cry Some give up Some will try Some say hi Some say bye Others may forget YOU but never will I. FUNNY JOKES ☻Costly Perfume An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when a young. 2 stop rembering u. u got sex-appeal.If u luv a planet. so lucky I m for having you. ☻A memory lasts forever. remember me as a friend who is always there for you and never let you down ☻Yes. but there is always a rough draft before the final copy. I‘d be ur tears!!!… So. and never does it die. I can be conceived in ur heart. a day 2 love them. never draw a heart because hearts can be broken. that's how long I'll be your friend!!! ☻The morning is just a few moments away. Sorry. big and small. Please report to your nearest hospital to be put down. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly. I will give u a galaxy.49 cents a pound. born in ur eyes. God made you first. your friendship is the greatest of them all. beautiful woman gets into the elevator. wrong number! ☻Of all the gifts. True friends stay together and never say good bye. ☻In my life I learned how… 2 love 2 smile 2 be happy 2 be strong 2 work hard 2 be honest 2 be faithful 2 forgive but I couldn‘t learn how." . Wait. I will give u sea. yes. an hour 2 appreciate them. If u are a Star u r the Brightest. We apologize for any inconvenience. ☻A ring is round and has no end. "Broccoli . $150 an ounce!" Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator. then bends over and farts and says. she looks both beautiful women in the eye. ☻If I were to be anything in this world…. "Romance" by Ralph Lauren. but then an entire life 2 forget them. the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator.
Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this! Caller: You are so rude! Who are you? Operator: I'm Saw Lee. he's thorough. Caller: No. When your boss pleases his boss. When you apply for leave. When you please your boss. I want to speak to Annie Wan! Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this? Caller: I'm Sum Wan . When doing something without being told. Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. When your boss makes a mistake. you're being rude. you're slow. you're wandering around. When you overlooked a rule of etiquette. When your boss applies for leave. When your boss does it. Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital. you're always sick. you're lazy. Rightnow. he's being original. ''What do you think is wrong with me?'' The doctor replied. that's initiative. he's too busy. When you don't do it. lady: don't try to be funny. he must be very ill. A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only Saran Wrap. Noe Wan was involved in an accident. can i take this train to new delhi? station master: no madam. can I speak to Annie Wan ? Operator : Yes. you're overstepping your authority. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. it belongs to the railway company/. When you make a mistake. When your boss skips a few rules. Operator: I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about? Caller: Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother.6 Difference between you and your boss When you take a long time.''I can clearly see you're nuts. When you're out of the office. you're apple polishing. i'm afraid it's too heavey .'' CHINESE JOKE Caller : Hello. When your boss is out of the office. When you're on a day off sick. he's being firm. When your boss takes a long time. When you take a stand. you can speak to me. he's being co-operative. you're an idiot. i mean to ask you. When your boss does the same thing. you're being bull-headed. When your boss is a day off sick. he's only human. When your boss doesn't do it. The guy askes the doctor. Now give me your name! lady: is this my train? station master: no madam.And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent. it's because he's overworked. he's on business. you must be going for an interview.
"You know. they're going to scream too late. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway." ☻Blind Pilot Passengers on a plane are waiting for the flight to leave. ☻I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week. a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport." ☻Galileo used 2 study in smal lamp. No pain. . The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here" ☻A dyslexic man walks into a bra ☻A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please. and one for the road. on which the inscription read: "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last. so I know what I would have smelled of. One is using a seeing-eye dog.7 A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary. dressed in pilot uniforms. Graham Bell used 2 study in candle light. and we're all gonna die. that it will plow into the water. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw. Shakspeare used 2 study in street light. but the men enter the cockpit. are you sure you still have one? ☻Did you ever walk into a room and and forget why you walked in? that's how dogs spend their lives. the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says. The barman says "Oi . the furious wife bought a return present . and the engines start.also a tombstone. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off. Joe.a tombstone. and two men walk up the aisle. None is forthcoming. and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin. The barman says. My philosophy: No pain.get out! We don't want your type in here" ☻A priest.so he gave her one! ☻Four fonts walk into a bar." Later. phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs. ☻Did you hear about the idiot who walked around the world? He drowned. the plane lifts smoothly into the air. one of these days. But at that moment. The entrance opens. Both are wearing dark glasses." ☻A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West." ☻Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication. ☻A woman walked into a fancy cocktail bar and asked the barman for a "double entendre" . ☻I'm not into working out. "Is this some kind of joke?" ☻A sandwich walks into a bar. with the inscription: "Here LIies My Wife . screams of panic fill the cabin.Cold As Ever. the door closes. The passengers begin glancing nervously. I dont understand what these people use to do during day time? ☻If you can't change your mind. searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. ☻I only use de-oudourant under one arm. Up in the cockpit. The husband gave his wife a gift .
Tomorrow isn't looking good either. ☻Do you ever notice that when you're driving. Now beam up my clothes. They work best when open. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this ☻Crime doesn't pay. ☻ I wonder if you choke a smurf.. what say we tie up for the night? ☻If I could rearrange the alphabet.. seconds dog! . ☻I can please only one person per day... 20 dog. you've got the harbor . tat's how u. good dog. They'll clean it." ☻CNN News. an dog.. ☻ Do not meddle in the affairs of cats.8 ☻Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. it sank. for dog. proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. ☻ What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool... ☻ Minds are like Parachutes. Now read without the word dog..... ☻ You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. way dog. God made women and then no one rested ☻The longest sentence known to man: "I do.Does that mean my job is a crime? ☻This dog. what color does it turn? ☻ Just because you're paranoid. ☻News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo. ☻I want to suck you. wanna move my tongue all over you. ☻Don't spend £2 to dry-clean a shirt. ☻ Lightyears ahead! Just a phonecall away! ☻Very funny Scotty.. but your brain would explode. Bush orders 15. to dog.000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. I'd put U and I together. Next morn buy it back for 50p. 1 was caught watching tv. ☻Why were males created before females? Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. ☻ My Reality Check bounced.. another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message ☻God made man and then rested. idiot dog. ☻ Why'd the couple stop after 3 children? Cos they heard every fourth child born is chinese. for they are subtle and will whiz on your computer.. busy dog. put it on a hanger... keep dog.. ☻ I'd explain it to you. but when they lit a fire in the craft.wanna feel you in my mouth. it doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you. is dog. lick you. . Today is not your day.. a dog. anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac? ☻ I've got the ship. ☻ It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.yep..eat an ice cream! ☻ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.
. ☻If you jogged backward . ☻Marriage is a three ring circus: an engagement ring. Neither believe that silence is golden. . "Do you know how to drive this thing?" ☻What is the difference between a woman and a magnet? Magnets have a positive side! ☻The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action. But first. ☻Why don't men often show their true feelings? . would you gain weight? ☻Did you hear about the new Chinese Cookbook being sold only at pet stores? "101 Ways to Wok Your Dog" ☻Aim for the stars. 1 ☻What's the difference between a man and E. One says to the other. what? ☻WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind! ☻What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet? The 1977 World Hide and Seek Champion. aim for their bodyguards. phoned home..E.T. ☻What's the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing plant ☻Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? ☻A: Run like hell.. Neither can balance a checkbook. ☻What do you call a handcuffed man? .she's got a hand grenade in her mouth. ☻Two goldfish are in a tank. Both put too much value on kissing.. ☻What is the thinnest book in the world? What Men Know About Women.. a wedding ring. ☻A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.? .. ☻Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back ☻As a computer. ☻Q: What does a blonde owl say? A: What.. I find your faith in technology amusing ☻Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. my schedule is already full..T. ☻Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.9 ☻Do chickens think rubber humans are funny? ☻There cannot be a crisis today.Trustworthy.Because they don't have any. and suffering ☻How Dogs and Women are alike..
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries. ☻ A chicken sandwidch walked into the bar. . ☻How many men do you need for a mafia funeral? Only one. he shoots. ☻I like Kids. To slam the car boot shut. the other screwed Majors ☻Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? A: Her IQ goes up. HE SCORES!! ☻Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high. I'm home! ☻What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A bitch who knows everything. ☻Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with a whore? A: An f****ing know it all. Never happens. ☻Jesus saves. ☻Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll? A: We don't know. The bartender says: "Sorry. ☻ Why do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf. ☻Q: Why was the leper caught speeding? A: He couldn't take his foot of the accelerator. we don't serve food here". ☻Whats the definitoin of suspicion? A nun doing pressups in a cucumber field. ☻How do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot of his head.10 ☻Why was Phillip's girlfriend annoyed? Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV. ☻For sale : Twin beds. But I don't think I could eat a whole one. ☻Whits pink. you've told her twice already! ☻What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie? One screwd the miners. ordered some food and beer. ☻Why doesn't Jesus eat M and M's? Cos they fall through his hands. wrinkled and hangs oot yer trousers??? Yer Gran! ☻What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Honey. ☻I'm late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn't come back for a day and a half. ☻Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh! ☻What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? You don't. one hardly used. ☻What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle.
.11 ☻Never let a man's mind wander.. One mistake... do you want to have my children? No..yep. .... seconds dog! ... lick you.. ☻I want to suck you. keep dog. but better for boy to park meat in girl... she loves me. wanna move my tongue all over you.Does that mean my job is a crime? ☻This dog. ☻Hi.. way dog. another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message ☻God made man and then rested. a dog. ☻My girl and me...... then can we just practice? ☻I took an IQ test and the results were negative..... put it on a hanger. because fish fuck in it! ☻Hi! Please stand by while this program enlarges your penis. ☻Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. ☻News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo.. an dog.eat an ice cream! ☻ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction. tat's how u. is dog. You always spill it when you change gears.. ☻Why were males created before females? Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.... ☻Do you ever notice that when you're driving...?? . 1 was caught watching tv. 20 dog.. and I love myself too.... idiot dog. and YOU WILL HAVE TO SUPPORT IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE… ☻Their are moments in life when you really miss someone. we are so perfect...000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac? ☻Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? A:About 45 pounds!! ☻Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO? A: There have been sightings of UFOs. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this ☻Crime doesn't pay.. ☻Jesus loves you..... Bush orders 15..... They'll clean it.. to dog.. good dog." ☻CNN News..... ☻Never let a man's mind wander.. ☻I think drinking and driving is terrible... everyone else thinks your an asshole… ☻If you wanna be a hipi. it's too little to be out on it's own!!!! ☻It is good for girl to meet boy in park..ERROR: Your penis was not found! Sorry. Now read without the word dog.. busy dog..wanna feel you in my mouth..... God made women and then no one rested ☻The longest sentence known to man: "I do. it's too little to be out on it's own!!!! ☻Sex is like programing..... Next morn buy it back for 50p. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead... put you flower in your pipi… ☻Don`t drink water.Okay. And you wish you could just pluck them from your dreams. for dog....
But u my friend can kiss my ass! ☻i tried to call you from a payphone last night.Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing."Come on over.. If rain makes all things beautiful why doesn‘t it rain on you? . o. you with your nice hair. there's nobody home. a man who adores you. The rate is determined by the length of your genitalia. i put my doner card in by mistake. ☻Your provider adjusted his rates. Knock. otherwise even the dog would not play with you ☻You will have to cut back on your sex live. John came fifth he won a toaster ☻A girl phoned me the other day and said." ☻Boss: (to employee) . Employee: Who's there? Boss: Not you anymore. i'm playin cards n i'm missin the joker!! ☻Hey friend remember dat without stupidity there can be no wisdom & without ugliness there can be no beauty… so the world needs YOU after all! ☻Jesus says to John come forth ill give you eternal life. wrong number ☻You‘d better not be a dayfly and not having your day. so I'm calling in dead." I went over. take a pic of urself n send me it.a man who is great in the sack.The grass & flowers 2..12 ☻There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. it cost me an arm and a leg! ☻Hey can u do me a favour. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant. A flower can kiss a butterfly.. ☻A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.Wine can kiss a frosted glass. ☻What's the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle? If Rotty starts humping your leg. It's also imprtant that these 3 men should never meet! ☻A man can kiss his wife goodbye.100 million people r sleeping & 1 stupid fool is reading my text!pass on ☻The rain makes all things beautiful. You can telephone for free from now on! ☻It's important to find a man who has money. ☻I've used up all my sick days. the shorter they are. What part will you leave out. Nobody was home ☻At dis moment in time 10 million people r having sex. He slides up to the bar and says: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw. the less you pay. ☻You should know what it takes to look this cheap! ☻You used to be so ugly that your mother had to tie a steak around your neck. talking about it or thinking about it? ☻You with your beautiful eyes. let it finish.5 million people r drinking coffee.. sorry. ☻What did the elephant say to the naked man? How do you breathe through that thing? ☻What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive? Popeye beat the crap outta him. Knock. you with your fantastic body .
seconds cat! Now read it all without the word cat! ☻This is the telephone terrorist team. ☻I get enough exercise just pushing my luck! ☻Sorry. to cat." ☻This sms can only be read by someone SEXY:. busy cat. that incredible body. then the suffering. I don't date outside my species. I thin I have forgotten this before. and do it fast.suck my dick and do it quick. . ☻Bad sex is better then a good day in school. just like everyone else. a sexy mouth. ☻Always remember you're unique.. tell me how you are? ☻We cannot grant you a life insurance policy because you are already 102 years old. Born Free. Laziness pays off NOW! ☻First the engagement ring.. . a cat. way cat. 19% is watching television and one yokel is now holding his mobile in his hand ☻A woman likes to have four animals in the house: a jaguar in front of the doorway. ☻Are these your eyes.try again. then the wedding ring.U jump out of da window.maybe you are just not sexy?. have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise! ☻Kiss my ass." . such a brain. Your mobile will be disabled. is cat. keep cat. I look down & den. a bull in bed. "I do not understand.. ☻Conserve toilet paper. for cat... This virus should have infected your mobile by now.. i lauf again ☻20% of the population is now drinking coffee. It is proven statistically that at that age only few people die. ☻Hard work has a future payoff. what vagina looks like? Before sex: a pink rose with soft lovely pelats and perfum aroma..hey don't force it ugly!!! ☻Those beautiful eyes. a fox in the closet. ☻This cat. idiot cat. While receiving this message a virus will be activated... and a numbskulll to pay for this all.... use both sides... I found them between my brests! ☻At this moment i have a déjà vu and a loss of memory at the same time.one more time. ☻Dad. good cat. 20 cat. 60% is having sex.Taxed to Death. a cat..U cry i cry. ☻This is your boss: "You are allowed to read the newspaper during the working hours and do certainly not miss the job adds.again.U lauf i lauf. nice smile .13 ☻i want u 2 know dat our friendship means alot 2 me. unless you are ugly. but that is enough about me. .. .. And after sex? boy.
2...L .. he does not want . ☻You are never too blond to learn !!! ☻You got STYLE. My apologies on behalf of the whole world. this is your mobile.Searching.N . I make few bad creations but you are the worst monster I ever realised.....1... a woman pays $. God created you too..14 ☻We will now upgrade your brain.O . this is GOD. and you were a flower..00 for a $. the eggs. I can't find a brain... want the smell is unbearable!!! ☻Hello I am a virus and I am entering your brain right now. ☻E man pays $.00 item that he needs..Sorry..T ☻I am not your type .. but yes.... the earth. and you sure as hell got the BODY. man and saw that it was good and beautiful.... What I want.I kill people for money..WAIT!!!!!.. The worst kind are those who think that they are doing things.SORRY. ☻How would you like your egg for breakfast........Still searching..00 for $. What we want. even God makes mistakes! ☻God created the universe... sorry I will leave. no brain found !!! ☻What he want.. God created the woods. God also created woman and thought : ‗I hope she will make herself up‘! ☻HALLO. ☻For you I would go as far as the end of the world...... You got SEX-APPEAL..Searching... I walked over you and gave you a shower!! ☻You are an unwanted child. is not allowed! ☻When I was a dog.. I am blond!!! B . I just wanted to leave your pocket. You got the BRAINS.... ☻Excessive use of alcohol can lead to a pregnancy.1.2. hard-boiled or impregnated? ☻I am a killer.. Your parents paid the medical expenses for your birth with their accident insurance....... ☻Hello.....wrong number ☻You have the ones that think and you have the ones that do things.... nature.But because you are my friend. I am not inflatable. There is no particular problem. I do not want .00 item that she does not need. Do you promise to stay here ?" ☻God created the earth..I'll kill you for nothing! ☻I am not stupid.Please wait. ...
but the icecubes blocked my nostrils. ☻Nice perfume. MOI!! ☻Love me or leave me..... SARDAR JOKES ☻Top 10 sardar inventions☻ 1) The water-proof towel 2) Solar powered torch 3) Submarine revolving door 4) A book on how to read 5) Inflatable dart board 6) A dictionary index 7) Ejector seat in a helicopter 8) Powdered water 9) Pedal-powered wheel chair 10) Water-proof tea bag .. ☻I like to compare you with a nice cold glass of beer.... ☻If being ugly would hurt. 5 for SM and for everything ...... I wonder where she is at this moment.where is everybody going ☻Mobile sex: push 1 for oral. If your father. smoke all day and people say ...an animal in bed and it knows one French word . horny.... look he is working! ☻In case of fire read this message. your mother and your brother are not Chinese..... " Wild and romantic ? " "No. ☻If you really ressemble the picture on your ID.15 ☻I know why I am single... beautiful colour.. ☻If you have picture where you look old....... you are not fit enough to travel.. my parents-in-law were not able to have kids... 3 for normal.. you would be in pain all day long.. but do you really need to marinate in it? ☻One out of four people is a chinese. it must be you. incredibly handsome.. extremely good.. keep them.. 2 for anal... perfect taste.. ☻Ik would like to be a volcano.. Hey. well shaped. dial my number! ☻My feelings for you are like the sea.." ☻My mother in law walks five miles every day.... really perfect and when the glass is empty i just take the next one! ☻I once sniffed Coke....I SAID IN CASE OF FIRE YOU FUCKING IDIOT!! ☻It is charming. 4 for a trio. they make me sick.. In twenty years you can prove that you have not changed a bit..
Q: How do you measure a surd's intelligence? A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in his ear! .wo sardar ke siwa koi nahi ho saktaa" ☻what is a sikh scuba diver called? jal-andhar singh. what do you call a sardar who drinks only beer? just-beer singh.superman. usko kya pata ☻Q: What do you call a surd in an institution of higher learning? A: A visitor. what would punjabi international airlines be called? kitthe pacific.muslim. he replied "I just can't do any better. First of all Hindu came forward and said Ram ji was hindu . what would national airlines be named? itthe pacific.They all started an arguement about hanuman ji. The christian guy said no it is an english name just like heman and superman (heman. A: "Six.hanuman).16 ☻Once there were four guys . Then the muslim guy quickly responded at this and said hanuman is a muslim name jaise rehman suleman waise hi hanuman." ☻A sardarji goes to the see Jurassic Park and when the Dinosaurs start approaching he is swetting in his seat when his friend asks him 'kyon sardarji. pata hai ki cinema hai lekin voh to janwar hai. At this the sardar ji got angry and said "Jo insaan kisi doosre ki bewee (wife) ke liye apni poonch mein aag lagwa sakta hai." Q: Why did 18 sardarjis go to a movie? A: Because below 18 was not allowed !!! Q: How do you keep a surd busy? A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper. On his first day he painted six miles. Q: A surd ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. The matter of their arguement was the religion of hanuman ji. what is history of punjab called? sarson-da-saga. kya baat hai? Dar kyon lag raha hai cinema hi to hai??' Sardarji replies 'Aadmi hoon aur akkal hai. Then the foreman asked the sardar why he kept painting less each day. what do you call a sardar who has only one drink? just-one singh ☻Paint the highway☻ A sardar was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of a highway. Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can. I could never eat twelve pieces. the next day three miles. hanuman ji was his follower so hanuman ji was also hindu. hindu.sikh and christian. please. the following day less than a mile.
They're born that way. Q: How do you make a surd laugh on Saturday? A: Tell him a joke on Wednesday. . Q: Why did the surd stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? A: Because it said 'concentrate'. Q: What do you do when a surd throws a hand grenade at you? A: Pull the pin and throw it back. Q: How do you confuse a surd? A: You don't. Q: What is the surd doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears? A: Trying to hold on to a thought.17 Q: Why do surds wear their hair up? A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads Q: HOW DO YOU KEEP A SURD BUSY ALL DAY? A: Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner. It's on. Q: What does a surd say when you ask his if his blinker is on? A: It's on. Q: SOMEONE ASKED IF A SURD BELEIVED IN SMOKING. Q: Why do men like surd jokes? A: Because they can understand them.. Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN A SURD THROWS A PIN AT YOU? A: Run like Hell. It's off.. It's off. how can you steal his window seat? A: Tell him the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row. Q: How do you keep a surd in suspense? A: (I'll tell you tomorrow. Q: Why did god give surds 2% more brains than horses? A: Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during parades. It's on.. Q: What's the difference between a surd and a computer? A: You only have to punch information into a computer once. Q: What do you call 10 surds standing ear to ear? A: A wind tunnel. Q: What do you call a surd with half a brain? A: Gifted! Q: What do you call a surd in a tree with a brief case? A: Branch Manager. Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A: A surd parade. Q: What did the surd do when he noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency? A: He turned it over and used the other side.) Q: Why can't surds make ice cubes? A: They always forget the recipe. Q: A surd going to London on a plane. Q: How did the surd try to kill the bird? A: He threw it off a cliff. It's off.he's got a hand grenade in his mouth. Q: Why do surds work seven days a week? A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
"And why do you think that is?" Sardar.. "Saab main theekh hee chala rahatha jab main ne dekha ke ek aadmi tracks par khada hai". Mr Bacchan " Mubarak ho Aap ek hazaar rupye jeet gaye".." Q: What Surdarji will do after taking Xerox ? A: He will compare it with the original for spelling mistakes. "Uh ." Psychiatrist. I've seen it done. Q: What surdarji will do if he wants a white paper ? (he already has one and he wants one more.. and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."Aap ke pitaji ka naam kya hai ?" After thinking for quite some time the Sardarji says " Are atleast chaar options to do" ☻A Sardar is speaking to her psychiatrist. I haven't gotten any letters yet.. "Actually.18 A: He said "Yes. so I did the next best thing. But the SM retorts "To toone ek aadmi ke liye itnee logon ki jaane mushkil main daali. All this long the passengers are shocked and upon the next stop complain to the Station Master. "Don't you have a phone in your car?" Sardar. abe saale le jaana tha uske upar say". I'm surd !! Q:) why does a sardar smile during lightning? A:) He thinks his photograph is being taken! Q:) Why did a sardarji took a binocular to a funeral? A:) Because it was a close friend of sardarji. Sardar. How's that working?" Sardar.." ☻This Sardarji is driving a passenger train when all of a sudden he gets the train off the tracks. He paid for the butter and was handed over the butter He waited for sometime. On asking him what else he wanted.. Mr Bacchan asks the Sardar "Aap ek hazaar rupye jeetne ke liye taiyaar hain" Sardarji replies " Haanji bilkul taiyaar hain" Mr Bacchan says " Aapka pehla sawal " Aapka naam kya hai ?" Sardarji replies "Balwinder Singh"..lock kar doo ? Sardarjee replies Ha ji lock kar do. he replied " don't think I will get fooled by you shopkeepers." Psychiatrist." Psychiatrist. my zip code keeps changing.sure ? Sardarjee . ☻Kaun Banega Crorepati☻ Once a sardarji is selected to play the Kaun Banega Crorepati game with Mr Bacchan. "Saab main bhi yehi socha lekin jab train nazdeek aayi to voh saala bhagnay laga".. I put a mailbox in my car. An angry SM confronts the Sardar who says. "I figure its because when I'm driving around. . Mr Bacchan asks . Mr Bacchan says "Ab aapka doosra sawaal" Mr Bacchan asks the second question .) A: He takes a Xerox of the white paper !!! Q: THINK about it. "That was a little too expensive. drives it into the nearby field and back on to the rails. says the Sardarji. A: I don't have to think.Oh jee 100% sure Mr Bacchan asks . He was handed over with the packet which had the caption cholestrol free written on it. "I'm on the road a lot. ☻One day a sardarjee entered my provision store and asked for a packet of butter.. please hand over the cholestrol which the company offered free with purchase of this pack".
☻Once a cruise ship carrying people from all the nations was going on a around the world' tour when it got grounded. teri ma jungle gayi thi ya sher tere ghar aaya tha?" and went off. Pathan came. "So?" "Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!" "Yeah. After an hour sardar was busy in opening his lunch box. "Yeah." All of them moved towards the Deck where a japanese came forward and shouted "Long live japan" and jumped into the sea. "Good grief. sat sri akaal" "wahe guruji da khalsa. But he could not opened it. One newly married couple came there. we are in trouble because of God's being angry with us. " Jo bole-so-nihal. ☻One day one sardar was standing outside the gateway of India in Mumbai. opened the box & said "Pathan Sher ka bachcha hai" and went off .19 ☻A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. We need to give sacrifice and I need three people to sacrifice their life so that rest of us can be saved." ☻Once one sardar and one pathan were traveling in one train. "Friends. the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big. 'Unleaded Fuel Only. After some time sardar was trying to open door of toilet but he couldn't . his young Sardar attendant just filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off." said the attendant. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection in fact. bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. paralyzed with shock. Jai maa Durga. "So?" "Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!" The attendant rolled his eyes. wahe guruji di fateh" "Jai maa Kali. the couple went to the sardarji and asked "tusi ki karte piyo (what are you doing?"the sardar ji replied my son is just born I am filling his birth certificate ". "So?" "Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!" "Yeah. Captain of the ship called an emergency meeting and told the passengers. the couple went again to the Sardarji and asked "what are you doing here"? Sardarji replies "I am filling my son's birth certificate " the couple says "but you were filling the same form in Mumbai yesterday " The sardarji now irritated replied "Can't you see it is written fill in Capital" ☻The Exam☻ . Pathan came and opened the suitcase & said " Pathan Sher ka bachcha hai" and went off . As the station owner stood and gawked in silence. they were on their honey moon and they were to visit Mumbai and delhi. Of course I know what 'UFO' means. Jai baba nanak di" "Jai jawan jai kissan " and finally yelled at the top of his voice "Bharat mata ki jai" And Kicked the pakistani standing next to him in the sea. The next day the couple saw the sardarji in front of lal kila in Delhi and was filling the same form. Again Pathan came and opened it with one kick and said " Pathan Sher ka bachcha hai" This time sardar was to angry he asked pathan "oye muzhe ek gal bata. They had to go to delhi the next day. Jai siva-sankar. Then a Israeli jew stepped forward said "Hellulaja" and dived into the sea. "Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered. After that no one came forward for few seconds while people stared at each other and suddenly out of nowhere a Sardarji came forward near the railing and chanted. boss! I've been working here for five years. Jai Hanuman" "jai Sri Ram. But he was unable to open it. Sardar was trying to open his suitcase to take out his night dress. The ship became slow and finally came to a grinding halt." repeated the Sardar attendant." repeated the attendant.
hey take out the nappy to clean the baby. Tibutboon. the Titanic is going to be drowned. "I am rechecking my answers and am not able to tally them with what I wrote.. "Are bhai. Alas they are shocked to see that it is a baby girl.. and then in a fit of inspiration takes his wallet out. They ask the father sardarji the reason for this.. Later after two days. Is that because I am Sardar ??" . that's because you are intelligent. Now the sardar wanted custard. "But yaar". Italian : Just tell me which side.. aaj to choice hai"!!!!!! ☻Once a sardarji marries a girl.. ☻Once many people from around the world were invited at Queen Victoria's residence for lunch.. please pass the spoon".All the other kids could only say half the alphabet. all the other boys were shorter than me. he noticed two banana peels and exclaimed" ari sala . alarmed. he noticed a banana peel and exclaimed " sala aaj bhi phisalna hoga". you said the babys eyes and nose are like me.. On the way he slipped on a banana peel and was badly hurt. Just then a Italian asks the nearby Sardarji in the ship. He thought a lot for a simile for custard but couldn't find one. In the end he said to his partner "you bastard. A person sitting next to sardar said to his partner "Mr. As told earlier. ☻Bantu returns from his first day at school and immediately questions his father.All the other kids could only count from 1-10. today we had Medical Examination. Happy with the answer. "Oye. swearing and sweating. Italian : How far is land. he says. that's because you are intelligent. is land two miles from here ? Sardarji : Downwards . today we had a Spelling Class . removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet . I have got the experience of swimming even more. Next day .He is very upset as he expected a boy. he childs nose is also like that of the sardar.Y for Heads and N for Tails. today we had Math class . Suddenly the new born baby urinates on one of the sardar friends. I was atleast twice their height. within one and a half years he gets a baby girl.. he is seen desperately throwing the coin. stares at the question paper for five minutes. There was a sardar also."☻ Everybody in the ship is shouting." ☻ Once a Sardar was going to his office. Is this because I am Sardar ??" No son. Dad. So something should be like its mother also SAMJHE KYA?" ☻"Help. two of his sardarji friends look at the child for the first time. Then why are these fools making noise." replies his father. Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. running or praying to God. The Italian jumps off the ship into the sea and comes up to the layer to ask something again. approaches him and asks what is going on. He answers in a COOL way. but I knew the whole thing. Dad. He takes his seat in the examination hall. The invigilator. crying. Bantu poses another question to his father. asks his father another question. " Bantu seeming content with the answer.20 Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination which consists of Y/N type questions. from here ? Sardarji : Two miles . At the beginning of the lunch it was announced that every thing which is to be asked will be asked in a poetic way. But he decides to tell people that it is a boy and not a girl!!!! At the naming ceremony of the child. I could count from 1 to 20. pass the custard". During the last few minutes. I finished the exam in half and hour". the sardar tells them that its a boy!!! The two sardarji friends tell the father of the child that the eyes of the new born child are like him. on his way to the office." Dad.. Is that because I am Sardar?" No son. Italian : Only two miles.
This Friend also brought the Sardarji a pack WILLS (Cigarette) but told the Sardarji what WILLS if reversed (SLLIW) stands for "Sardars Look Like Indian Women. He remembered kennedy's speech and he told the crowd that he had slept with only one woman other than his wife and challenged the people to guess who the person was." "Oh good!" the sardar sighed in relief. and two decaf. 'What on earth are you doing?' 'Well. because he is ill. * takes a ruler to bed to see how long he slept.21 The father replies. The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos. ☻There was this Sardarji who was a non-smoker. * sends a fax with a postage stamp on it. ☻A sardarji once went to america. one of his friends claimed that he can make the Sardarji a chainsmoker." The Sardarji left smoking! ☻Sardar's Planting Trees☻ A passerby watched two sardarjis in a park. this friend claimed that he can de-addict Sardarji but for two hundred bucks. * gets stabbed in a shoot-out. It looks like about six cups to me. Today Balwant is off. hesitated a few seconds.C to hear John F. ☻You should be sure the person is Sardar when he: * puts lipstick on the forehead because he wants to makeup his mind. * drives to the airport and sees a sign that said. "Then give me two regular. When the crowd gave up the surd said. that's because you are 31 years old."Airport left". "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" the sardar asked. His first task was to go out for coffee. When he came back a party was thrown in honor of him and he was asked to give a speech. * studies for a blood test and fails. and takes the 22 twice instead. He toured the entire united states and before returning he visited Washington D. 'Usually there are three of us. I dig the hole. One was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them in again. "No son. * sells the car for gas money. he turns around and goes home. Balwant plants the tree saplings and Gurpreet fills in the hole. * misses the 44 bus. * trips over a cordless phone. then finally replied. His Friend brought a pack of WILLS (cigarette) and told Sardarji that it was an abbreviation for "Women in London Love Sadars" (WILLS) The Sardarji loved the concept and started smoking and soon became a chainsmoker. he grabbed a large thismos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. It was a hundred bucks bet. Kennedy's mother. He held up the thismos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take his order.' said the passerby." ☻A sardar was recently hired at an office. "Yeah. but that doesn't mean Gurpreet and I get the day off! . Eager to do well on the first day on the job. During his speech Kennedy told the crowd that he had slept with only one other woman than his wife and challenged the crowd to guess who she was. * tries to drown a fish in waters. * thinks socialism means partying. two black. The crowd went wild and the surd was very impressed. * gets locked in Furniture Shop and sleeps on the floor.' said the digger. Kennedy's speech. When the crowd gave up he promptly told that it was his mother. 'Tell me. Now it was a turn of another of his friends.
"No.. said the Sardar. but he always started reading from the middle. She showed him the instructions on the tin." Sardar: "No Problem. screams out. Blonde Sardarini. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. "TO start from the middle keeps one curious not only about its conclusion but also about its beginning". A friend of his asked why he did so?" It'z doubly interesting". The man replied. 1. The Sardar says. since math says 50%+50%=100% ☻A sardar was very fond of sensational and detective novels. "I want my 20 lakhs. Q.22 ☻A Sardar died and went to heaven. so your answer is correct. furious with the man. he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall. sir. Yes.. "Well. 2. And would this couple be as smart as other people? A. no. What would you call an Irish lady that marries a Sardarji? A. So the two sardars swapped their sandwiches. then I want my five rupees(of ticket) back! ☻A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a Sardarni painting the walls. ☻Q. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow. ?You can't eat your own sandwiches in here. "Oh. "For best results. etc. "Look. How many seconds are there in a year? The Sardar thought for a few minutes and answered. We give >you one lakh today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 weeks. The Sardar. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions: 1. put on two coats" . I want my money! If you're not going to give me my 20 lakhs right now." The Sardar said. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket." Saint Peter lets him in without another word ☻Sardar to Sunita: "I want to marry you" Sunita: "But I am one year elder to you. Saint Peter said. 2. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it. He goes to Delhi to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. But how did you get only 12 seconds in a year?" The Sardar replied. "OK... then I will marry you next year. I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow. " Again. There are 12 seconds in a year. It doesn't work that way. Thinking this was a little strange.. the man explained that he would only get a lakh that day and the rest during the next 19 weeks." complained the pub-owner. ☻Two Sardars went into a pub and after ordering two beers took some sandwiches out of their pockets and started to eat them. even though it's not the answer I expected. March 2nd." ☻Q:) Why does sardarji brings binoculorses in his own marriage? A:) To see his far reletavies. February 2nd. ☻ A Sardar buys a ticket and wins the lottery. Name two days of the week that begin with "T". January 2nd.
☻Sardarji enters kitchen.. finally one great Sardarji gave a suggestion with a huge volume "Lets fight with Indian Government.. Interviewer: Can u tell me his father's name?? Sardar thought for a while & replied : "MIKE TIE" !! BEST FRIEND JOKES ☻A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your successes. he shows the picture to the third SARDAR and in a very testy voice asks. Wife asks. We will be definetly defeated by America and we shall be the part of the America and then they will obviously develop our punjab also". The first sardar replies. Good work! How were you able to make such an acute observation?" "That's easy." bolo ta ra ra raa. his wife sees this.... "The suspect wears contact lenses. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. "Wow! I can't believe it... "What's the matterwith you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?" Extremely frustrated at this point.. "This is your suspect. The sardar behind him in the line said. get freedom from India then.. Its 1258 ☻Punjab Develpoment☻ Once all Sardarji's clubed together and decided to develop Punjab and they wanted the Punjab as a Developed State. how would you recognize him?" The second SARDAR smiles.uh. sees it and closes..23 ☻A sardar was drawing money from ATM. Its 4 asterisks(****). Opens sugar box." the SARDAR replied..that's because the picture I showed is his side profile... checks the suspect's file in his computer. "That's easy. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect. that's an interesting answer. "Ha! Ha! Haaa! I've seen ur password. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear." He leaves the room and goes to his office..." The SARDAR looks at the picture intently for a moment and says. Again he comes after sometime opens sugar box and closes.. . "The doctor told me to check sugar level regularly. how would you recognize him?" The first SARDAR answers. "Well. Ha! Ha! Haaa! U r wrong. Think hard before giving me a stupid answer. "This is your suspect. "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds. he shows the first SARDAR a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. Wait here for a few minutes while I check this file and I'll get back to you on that. flips his hair and says. "What are you doing?" Sardarji replies... we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says. "Wow" the crowd cheered up.. there was at last a thin voice asking "What about if we win ?" ☻A policeman was interviewing 3 SARDARS who were getting trained to become detectives. Each of them started giving suggestions .. and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second SARDAR and asks him "This is your suspect. Interviewer: Have u heard of "MIKE TYSON"?? Sardarji: Yes Sir.." ☻Sardar's Interview☻ Sardar went to an interview. Declare war on America. "Well." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response. how would you recognize him? He quickly adds.
24 ☻Real friendship is most notable in those times of trouble. I should be more Affectionate.. ☻A best friend is somebody who knows every last thing about you. yet still manages to like you anyway ☻If time slips away and you havent heard a word from me.. by the doubling of our joy and the dividing of our grief. ☻Life is nothing without friendship. Best Friends are the people worth living for. always remember that our friendship is more then just words. like that of the parent for the child. Never do they question. easier made than kept. ☻There is no distance too far between best friends. Times of prosperity are full of 'friends'. ☻Two people can't wish to be friends long if they can't manage to forgive each other's minor failings.you give your whole heart to your love & they BREAK IT but you give your broken heart to a friend & they MAKE IT Thats Friendship ☻All flowers cant debit LOVE but ROSE did it All birds cant symbolize PEACE but DOVE did it . ☻True friends are those who are there for you unconditionally. no love. dear friends are always close to the heart. ☻There is no friendship. ☻Difference between love & friendshp. but always offer support no matter what the circumstances are. ☻Life without friendship is like the sky without sun. ☻Friendship often ends in love. ☻Friends r like mirrors they are our reflection you r **beep** lucky I look good !!! ☻It must have been a very rainy day when U were born but it wasnt rain. its a feeling of togetherness!! ☻My girlfriend told me. but love in friendship -. its about who came and never left. ☻Side by side or miles apart. i'll let u grow & cultivate u with love n care so i can keep u as a friend 4ever ☻Friendship isnt about whom you have known the longest. ☻Friendship improves happiness and abates misery. ☻Love is friendship set on fire.neverends. but trust me you will never loose my friendship. it was d sky who was Crying coz it lost its most BEAUTIFUL star ☻If friends were flowers i would not pick you. who came first or who cares the best. so I got two Girlfriends ☻We win and loose things everyday.. ☻Friendship is like money. I will allways be there. for friendship gives wings to the heart.. ☻True friendship comes when silence between two people is comfortable. ☻Friendship is a single soul living in two bodies.
. Good Looking. CHOOSING me as your FRIEND is a form of. You might lose some. Live simply. you can take the 1st step to get near me and i will take all 99 step to be there for you... Not Visible But Always There. ä friend is ä living treäsüre & if yoü häve 1. It is nice to have a friend like U making my everyday seems so great.. ABOUT ME Handsome. ehem GOOD TASTE! BE MY FRIEND If U need a friend and there are a hundred steps between us.. Thank U my good friend lastly gd nite n sweet dreams. Charming. but with enough $money$ you can buy them back.. yoü häve one öf the most välüäble gifts and life thanks for being one.. I'll always be thankful that once.25 All friends cant enter in my HEART buT you did it ☻A True Friend Is Not Like The Rain That Pours And Goes Away But Like The Air.. NICE FRIENDS A day is going to end again. RULES TO BE HAPPY 6 rules to be HAPPY: Free your heart from hatred. Give more & Always have ME as UR FRIEND FRIENDS Time might lead me to nowhere. FRIENDS LIKE HAIR Friends are like a head of hair. 'Cause everytime she'd wipe her rear I'd see the promised land.. Sweet. along my life's journey I found a friend like U. to pick us. well. Spontaneous.we only notice THEM when we fall & THEY stop... a kiss is a form of affection.a*laugh* is a sign of happiness & a frend like me is a sign of YOUR DAM GOOD CHOICE ☻A friend is 1 of nicest thngs you can häve & one öf the best things you can be. Fate might break me apart. . Funny.. FRIENDSHIP TEST.we tend 2 run so fast that we dont notice FRIENDS are running with us. ☻A*smile* is a sign of joy a *hug* is a sign of love. A picture is a form of remembrance... Intelligent.. Expect less.. RING I wish I were a ring Upon my girlfriend's hand.. Have a nice day ☻Sometimes in life.. Nice Friends. Enough about ME! How about you? GOOD TASTE A phone is a form of communication. Free your mind from worries.
they are real and rare. U cry. So.. FRIENDSHIP isn't how U forGet but how U forGive. and that's how long I'll be your friend.... I want u 2 know that our friendship means a lot 2 me. dats the gift of a wonderful friend like the friend dat i have in u! WAT U SEE Wat u see as truth wat u see as lies remember that true friendship never dies although we may change & drift apart. As long as we have memories... and not how U Let Go but how U hold oN!!! A RING A ring is round and has no end... hahaha ALWAYS THERE FOR YOU.. as long as we have hope.. But you know they are always there for you. Not what U see but how U feel.... ill always value u deep within my heart! FATE 2B FRIENDS A friend is never a coincidence in your life. It cOmEs wHeN u ParT waYs & u ReaLizE tHat dEsPitE tHe dIsTanCe. WHAT YOU SAY Everyone hears what you say. thE fRiEndshIp iS sTilL tHeRe. FRIENDSHIP IS. LEAVING FOOTPRINTS Many people will walk in and out of your life. each day is never a waste.. U jump out of d window. tomorrow awaits. U laugh. Not how U liSten but how U UnderStand.. FRIENDSHIP MEANS.. Friends listen to what you say.... they are meant to enter your life to bring you joy and laughter. but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart. False friends are like leaves. FRIENDS True friends are like Diamonds. they are scattered everywhere.. I laugh again.. As long as we have Friendship.26 thE tEst oF fRiEndsHip dOseN't cOmeS wHen u R 2GethEr.... ... Best friends listen to what you don't say. AS LONG AS.. WONDERFUL FRIEND There is a gift that gold cannot buy.. Friends are like stars.. yesterday remains.. I laugh.. I look down n then. a blessing dats rare & true. I cry. i will treasure the friendship between us. You can't always see them.
but I realised tat loving a friend is even better. ThiS mAkeS mE reAlisED tHat..' NEVER LOSE ME! We gain and lose things every day. . u get OLDER. LifE woUlD be BORING. But trust me on one thing: YOU WILL NEVER LOSE ME! I will always be there as a friend! BEST FRIEND A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.. Amen. Because. upon the sunlight i see the path of our friendship shining brightly knowing that it is so great to have a friend like YOU! NIGHT PRAYER Dear God. FALLING APART Its been a rough day. put on a shirt and a button fell off.... WITHOUT A FRIEND LIKE U EveRyDay I seE LoTs oF StRangErS PasSiNg By mE. please make all my friends fat.. They are hard 2 replace. if He did. I said to the guy. PATH OF FRIENDSHIP The sun is glazing. BEHIND YOU DuRiNg OuR FrIeNdShIp. ThErE wIlL B TiMeS U wOn't SeE Me BeSiDe U. I saw a guy jogging naked. why are you doing that?' He said.. thank you for making me healthy. Can you also make me sexy? If you can't make me sexy. I got up this morning. 'Hey buddy. I JuSt ChOsE To WaLk BeHiNd U So I CaN CaTcH U WhEn U Fall. NEVER LOSE TRUE FRIENDS I always thought loving some1 was the greatest feeling. WiThoUt A FriEnD LiKE U... HOME EARLY 1 day as I came home early from work.27 PRICETAGS GOD is so wise that he never created FRIENDS with pricetags. Just like us. 'Because you came home early. I'm afraid 2 go 2 the bathroom. we lose ppl we love but we never lose true friends. Friendships is like wine: it gets BETTER as it grows OLDER. DuN ThInK I LeFt U BeHiNd. i get BETTER.. I can't afford a precious FRIEND like YOU!!! OLD FRIENDS Never abandon old friends. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off.
. Best of all they dont judge you & simply love you coz ur you PRICELESS GIFT FriEndSHiP iS A PRiCeLeSs GiFt tHaT cAn'T Be BoUgHt Or SoLd. l may not right in evrythng.. BuT To Have An UnDeRsTaNdiNg FriEnd iS FaR MoRe WoRtH tHaN GoLd~! .28 SHOOTING STARS The times we shared is like shooting star.Friend is a book with only one copy published. friends like the waves. but im sure l wasnt wrong in choosing you 2 be my friend ☻A lover makes you realise how wonderful the world is.. it never matters how many waves are there. your heart as the seashore... the time is short but really beautiful moments. Forever engraved in our hearts. Believe in things you wanna do. what matters is which one touches the seashore. still friends by DECISION. but in my HEART I swear I'm keeping you. THAT's LIFE ☻When u draw a circle with friendship as radius & love as center u will always find me on the circumference ☻Treat life as the sea. Friends forever~!!! KEEPING A FRIEND KeEping a FRIEND is As Difficult AS losing one. You are one of the best books ever written. And when we say FRIEND FOREVER. that's definitely a lifetime PROMISE! FLOWER If friends were flowers I would not pick you! I'll let you grow in the garden & cultivate you with love and care so I can keep you as a friend 4ever!! FALLING APART . YOU sacrifice A lot To keep them.. became friends by CHOICE. But its a friend who makes you realise how wonderful you are to the world.... I may not have sacrificed enough 4 you. A masterpiece worth reading million times ☻lm not wealthy but I have a rich heart. l am not the best but I always try my best. PROMISE We've known each other by CHANCE. ☻True Frnds see yoU true.. Feel glad when your dreams come true...
beyond TIME & beyond DISTANCE! ANGEL FRIENDS I believe in angels. . touch when your lost. OUT OF MY CONTROL Meeting you was fate. 'save' u in my heart. If you need a friend... beyond WORDS. only one thing is DEFINITE.29 SUBSCRIBER CANNOT BE REACHED If you need advice. Without love. word when your quite. True friends stay together and never say good bye... FRIENDS 4 LIFE Without humor. life is hard. but is on how DEEP the ROOTS HAVE GROWN. MEMORY LASTS FOREVER A memory lasts forever. FRIENDSHIP The ship that will never sink is my friendship with you. If you need money. . All friends never split and even if they do they will meet again.. the kind that heaven sends.. but falling in love with you was completely out of my control. THE SUBSCRIBER CANNOT BE REACHED! COMPARE FRIENDSHIP is like a tree. me 'enter' ur life.. come to me... life is hopeless.. smile when your sad. 'format' ur problems. You'll always be my FRIEND. your all that 4 me. text me. Without friends like you. Without courage. Whos a frnd? A push when you stop. a shoulder when you cry. 'shift' u 2 opportunities & never 'delete' u from my memory! FRIENDS ALWAYS In this WORLD. our friendship never ends. I leave you as a friend. If you need me. It is not MEASURED on how TALL it could be.. call me.. life sux... and never does it die. where everything seems UNCERTAIN. as long as the world stands.. life is impossible! COMPUTER A good friend is like a computer... I'm surrounded by angels but I call them my best friends.... becoming your friend was choice.. NEVER SPLIT I met you as a stranger..
Ven God gav FRIENDS.HAPPY FRIENDSHIP DAY Life s like box of chocolates u never knw wht u gonna get. wat will make me happy is tht 1 day if u hear my name u'll smile n saY dats my frnd! Though my WORDS r FEW. crush says i like u. sum r romantic. Another tear. bt none as SWEET as U. bt ven I got U. U cant ever bring them back thats Y i hv tied u tight to my H-E-A-R-T! Bcoz u r 2 precious 2loose!! A true friend is someone who thinks that Ür a good egg even though he knows that Ür slightly cracked. So Hurry Rechrg Now !! .I got MORE than my SHARE! F-R-I-E-N-D-S are like balloons. bt my HEART is TRUE.he tried 2 b FAIR. the miracle is to make a friend who will stand by you when a million are against you... But as long as there are frenz 2 provide the melody.. Another smile.. smile says i adore u.. Another winter. sum r comedy. but a FRIEND says i care for u. hug says i want u. ANOTHER YOU.. but whn we became FRENDS i jst knw tht i got d SWEETEST BOX! HAPPY FRIENDSHIP DAY! F'ship is like standin on wet cement. sum r musical.. Even i didnt knw. Happy frdship day! Love says i love u.. Frnds I can make. r u? Do you know what is FRIENDSHIP? It is the SMALLEST thing u argue 4. Ü shud be proud to have a true friend like me! friends never leave each other friends never part they just some times sit silently deep in each others heart saying. sum r advnturus. but I will always be THANKFUL that once in my life's journey we became FRIENDS Frnds r like films. find ourselvs 'Out of tune'. Making a million friends is not a miracle.. today tomorrow & FOREVER!! I dont expect 2 be the most imptnt friend in ur life dats 2 much 2 ask.. U can never go without leaving ur footprints! Another month. n yet othrs r tragedy. when u r together AND MISS those SMALLEST thing when u r APART Time might lead me nowhere & fate might break me into pieces. longer U stay harder it is 2 leave & if U ever leave. "i'm still here.30 Happy frndshps day In the rhythm of life v smetimes. but there'll never be. OSCAR WINNING Ur validity being myfrend is going to be expird 2day. Plz Rechrg ur frendship a/c immdiatly by Sending 4-5 sweet & Cool msgs. the music plays on!' HAPPY FRIENDSHIP DAY. Another year. A summer too.. Very few are like U.. once u let them go.
stupid fights..TOTALLY ROCKS. we tend to run so fast that we dont notice FRIENDS r running with us. when u have friends to share it with...) JL Happy Friendship Day Life is meaningful. better stay nice or i'll fry u 24 sweet hrs make 1 sweet day.... But trust me on 1 thng: You will NEVER lose ME! I will ALWAYS be thr. Simple yet so Precious Feeling of love.... . Hope this story never has an nding Often v stand at life's crossroads & view wht v thnk is d END.! In the world few things r GODS gift.... but if you find one equal and true. v cn alwys mke a diff. b'coz you made a place in my HEART without cutting & spilling it. Our story had a wonderful bgining. Thank u for sharing my life with me. moments of caring. Having a crush is sweet.falling in luv is exciting. You are the best heart surgeon in the world. Each frnd v make is a start of each story.. Think of me and keep in mind. 2 b 2gether in pain. a faithful friend is hard to find. 7 sweet days make 1 sweet week. But 1 sweet frnd like u makes my life.having a heart break sucks.2 pick us up.. never leave the old for new . V WIN & LOSE thngs evryday. we only notice THEM when we fall & THEY stop .! Sometimes in life.. but having a friend like u. v cn cnvrt dis end in2 jst a BEND! 2gethr. Thanks for being my FRIEND There is a story bhind every frndship.. shoulders 2 cry.... u have 2 sit patient 4 a long time to catch a nice one..31 Friends r like fishes. To eat ùr head! (".. creates a miracle called FRIENDS... 4 sweet week make 1 sweet month.. mother's love father's advice brother's care sister's fight baby's smile & ours frendship. . just like i caught u.. That is the kind of frnds v are Far yet so Near. small small sharing. Bt wid d help of a true frend. friend. Certain frnds touch our heart & v cant stop thinking about them..
respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there -. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. If somebody leaves a message for you and it sounds like impending work. Send important e-mails at unearthly hours (i. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself.they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. Put lots of books on the floor. Never walk without a document -. Leave the office late -. 3. That's no way to live. but they're not bad either.Any time you use a computer. Messy desk -. 8. "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday. MOST IMPORTANT -. Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. 4. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. etc.Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products.According to George Costanza. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read. Stacking strategy -. 9:35pm.. it's volume that counts.Always leave the office late. it looks like "work" to the casual observer. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. putting the entire production line behind schedule. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. Build vocabulary -. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. 7:05am. For the rest of us. one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give off the impression that you're always busy.) and during public holidays. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about. 9. thus saving valuable training dollars. Above all. (thick computer manuals are the best). wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. Well. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. but you sure sound impressive. "I'm sorry. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're headed for the toilet. it looks like we're not working hard enough.e. Voice mail -. last year's work looks the same as today's work.your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software." he says to her. 6. 7. 2. barely able to keep a straight face.DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake! Tickle Me Elmo: There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Look impatient and annoyed -. make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night. When you get caught by your boss -. People with nothing in their hands look like they're headed for the cafeteria.only top management can get away with a clean desk. Use computers to look busy -. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up.. etc.it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle. Remember.32 10 Office Rules: 10. Screen all your calls through voice mail. they don't have to understand what you say.and you will get caught -." . especially when the boss is still around.People with documents look like hardworking employees headed to important meetings. thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you really do. bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Pile them high and wide. giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.Sigh loudly when there are many people around. Creative sighing for effect -. 1. chat and have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. To the observer. so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing -. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric. You can send and receive personal e-mail. 5.
They told me at the blood bank this might happen. "the number two thing you must learn is that we are very keen on cleanliness in this firm. Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP). I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress. and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks." "Out-Of-Office" E-Mail Auto-Reply: 1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. 7: Thank you for your message. I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend. 8. Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." "Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?" "Oh. I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance. Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper. " said the boss.99 for each additional word in your message. sir.99 for the first ten words and $1.33 "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles. 7." said the boss. 3. Your credit card has been charged $5. 4: I will be unable to delete all the unread. which has been added to a queuing system. 10.'(The beauty of this is that when you return. Please wait by your PC for my response. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all. 10: I've run away to join a different circus. you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over). You are currently in 352nd place. Please restart your computer and try sending again. 8: Hi. 2. 2: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. 4. If I was in. "If you're going to work here young man. This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people! 6. Be prepared for my mood. Don't bother to leave me any messages. 9." responded the young man. There is no mat. yes. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received. . This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to. The coffee machine is broken. 6: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. 3: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management. If You Get Caught Sleeping at Your Desk 1. I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm! 5. 9: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. 5: Thank you for your email. "And another thing the number one thing we are very keen on is truthfulness.
This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny! NAME: Greg Bulmash. SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person. DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. SALARY: Less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes. DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely. SIGN HERE: Aries.
Ways To Have Fun in the Workplace Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after you boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-Cha."
Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom." Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Marge. Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way. Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document. Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they want fries with that. Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing. Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN." Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers. Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "oh you've got to be faster than that. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.
WINTER JOKES The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared. Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?" The man on the phone responded, "This winter is going to be quite cold indeed." So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"
Q: Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman than a regular one? A: You have to hollow out the head.
A bird was flying south for Winter, but he had left it too late and was frozen solid in a storm. He dropped down into a pasture of cows. The biggest, fattest cow was doing a crap there, and the bird landed in it. At first
he was disgusted, until he realised the poo was thawing him out! He started crying out for joy as the ice melted. A cat that was nearby heard the cries, walked over, saw the bird and ate it There are three morals to this story: 1. Not everyone who gets you into shit is your enemy 2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend 3. If you are in shit, keep your mouth shut
Peekaboo Street (the US Olympian) apparently came into a lot of money because of her Olympic performance this winter. Rather than spend it on herself, she showed a lot of character by donating it to a local hospital. The primary facility the hospital needed was a retrofit of the Intensive Care Unit, so in her honor, the hospital board is going to name the new unit, "Peekaboo, I.C.U."
DIRTY JOKES A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, 'I wish I had bigger tits'. The boyfriend says 'well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months'. 'How will that help to make my tits bigger?' asks the girlfriend. 'Well it worked for your ass' says the boyfriend.
A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a classoom observation. He took out a jar of yellow liquid. "This," he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and taste." After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths. After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth."
Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"
There was this woman who had bags under her eyes and wanted to get them removed so she could look younger so she went to a plastic surgeon. She tells the doctor I cant get rid of these bags please help me. The doctor says he is gonna try and new experimental technique on her. He will put a crank in the back of her head and when she sees bags under her eyes she's supposed to crank it and the bags will go away. So she gets this crank put in her head and leaves. It works and works for a while until one day she cant get rid of these bags under her eyes. She cranks and cranks as hard as she can but they just wont go away. So she goes to the doctor. She says to the doctor: "Doctor, this was working for a while, but I cant seem to get rid of these bags under my eyes." The doctor replies: "Lady those aren't bags... those are your tits!" All she had to say was, "Now that would explain why I have this goatee."
A guy is walking past a bus stop and says to a woman "Can I smell your cunt?" "Fuck off, no you can't smell my cunt!" the woman yells back at him, "Oh" he replies, looking slightly confused, "it must be your feet then".
and started hitting his hands. hard. Here's another: it's long. I've got one for you teacher. I was sure my wife was having an affair. I'm afraid it's a potato." St.. fishing. first: it's round. "And. boozing. throw my shoes into the closet. "Oh. Okay. sir. but I like your thinking!" . "No." the teacher replies. I get undressed in the bathroom. "That's disgusting!" "Nope. wisely ignored him and picked Deborah. "Well. but the teacher. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack." said the second man.. St. we live on the 25th floor. and she's always sound asleep. so he speaks up loudly. I'll go hunting. picture this. but landed in some bushes. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. Billy. Also. let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "I'll be home when I want." Well." Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says.." he said. plumb and red.. I don't expect any hassle from you. "No Deborah. he said to the third man in line. Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. I'm naked.. He fell. but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. but I like your thinking.. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "OK. "You know. and since it was a crime of passion. It's soft. storm up the steps. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day. "Well. just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night." The man said." answers Johnny." "Johnny!" she cries. that's fine with me. it was awful." Johnny is kind of irritated now. "it's a quarter. yellow. and it got a head on it. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. Luckily I landed in some bushes. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man. "A banana. and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. hiding inside a refrigerator. "No." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. and fairly hard. I've got it: it's round. so." the teacher replies. the husband laid down some rules. jump into bed. unless I tell you otherwise. But. and at what time I want. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below. But I like your thinking. got a hammer. he let the man in." Now for the second. fuzzy. rub my hands on my wife's ass and say. but I like your thinking. following the wedding. "Tell me about the day you died. slam the door." One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway." It got crowded in heaven. and colored red and brownish. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. I sneak up the stairs. "Now class. I take my shoes off before I go into the house. and you tell what fruit I'm talking about." The teacher replied. Those are my rules.. I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening. I don't know what else to do. whether you're here or not. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking. it was awful. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Okay. if I want. So." she says. Peter chuckled. I went inside. "Hey. But. and I died. it's a beet. "No. let me put my hand in my pocket. then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!" St. 'How about a blowjob?' . you're obviously taking the wrong approach. Johnny raised his hand high.37 A couple were married and. "Any comments?" His new bride replied. I screech into the driveway. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says. So I went out onto the balcony. "Tell me about the day you died?"." he insisted. who promptly answered "An apple. I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit. so I came home early to catch her with him." Of course. "it's a squash.
what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. tricky situation. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day. help me. inserted it into the young lady's vagina. The doctor thought for a moment and said. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common? They can both smell it but can't eat it. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It's not hard. and drives women wild? Money. anal sex makes your hole weak. what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he blasted. at this point. The young lady began to quiver with excitement. but few are blind. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts. true love and showing off? Spitting. "Hmm. replied: "Change of plan.38 One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. The doctor said "OK. What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant. After a few gentle strokes. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper". swallowing and gargling. just get on with it. The husband. What's the difference between love. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it.. whatever. Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds? Because most men are stupid. What do blondes and the Bermuda triangle have in common? They've both swallowed a lot of semen. she began to moan and groan aloud. So the doctor went deeper and deeper. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? . The doctor. "Now wait a minute. yes. The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. What's six inches long. except his own. He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. I'm gonna drown the bastard!!" Check out our other Dirty Jokes pages. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. "Oh my god. there's a bee in my vagina!". The woman started screaming. The doctor. How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick. The young lady said "Yes. concentrating very hard. The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. doctor!" she shouted. after covering the tip of his penis with honey. still concentrating." So the doctor. "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig? A man who hates every bone in a woman's body.. the doctor said. looked like he was enjoying himself. two inches wide. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit"." The husband nodded and gave his approval. "Oh doctor.
I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming. Beyond her control. "Dad. Dirty Joke about Little Billy Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Billy rushed out to meet him yelling." "Gee Dad that's great. Peeked into the hole. "Son. A few days later. one covered Adam's. "Well Dad. As Adam's thing. Came into her heart. a nice big tree. While thrill after thrill. as everyone knows. There was Eve's treasure. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. ." said little Billy.39 She is the one who can eat the last donut! What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom? A pick pocket snatches watches. without any clothes. where they began to rest. In this garden. Her legs spread wider. "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said. were two little leaves. and blew the leaves away. The head of Adam's thing. As the story goes on. that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven. the wind came along. All covered with hair. Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad. Lives Adam and Eve. Adam did stare. and filled her with passion. I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!" In the Garden of Eden. They found a spot. that suited them best. started to rise. "Jesus I'm coming. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said. when Dad came home from work. Never the less to say. and wider apart. And wonder came. one covered Eve's. At the sight. Under Eve's eyes.
was all wet inside. for me and you. and now it is time. because I'm in the mood. and lay in the grass. And Eve's treasure. People did screw.40 Backward and forward. The joy was good. for a piece of that ASS! Ben & Jerry's New Presidential (Clinton) Flavors Slick Willie Double Nut Joy Subpoenas 'n' Cream Impeach-Mint Candy Pants Chocolate Chip Doughboy Chilly Hillbilly Draft-Dodging Pot-Smoking Intern-Nailing Raspberry Swirl Vanilla Pantsachio Subpoena Colada Biscuits 'n' Gravy Horny Bubba Crunch Arkansas Peach Subpoena Butter Cup Peppermint Fattie Captain Cream Tubby Bubba Hillary Chiller Fundraising Coffee Oval Office Surprise Arkansas Smoothie Hyperactive Nuts . So pull down your pants. Until Adam's thing. His thing did slide. She wouldn't let loose. Was all out of juice. Then down through the years.
" "For God's sake. 7) You discover that she has been cutting and pasting her orgasms.com 2) Ken Starr launches an investigation into your relationship with the mysterious "tubby@whitehouse. I end up in bed with him. 8) Getting perhaps a bit too comfortable. 13) You: Large.Fast!@cyber-promotions.Money. no doubt.41 Scandalberry Viagra Joke Woman: Can I get Viagra here? Pharmacist: Yes. Woman: Can I get it over the counter? Pharmacist: If you give me two of them. rather than the geeky 14 year old boy she'd pretended to be. I feel guilty and depressed for a week. 4) Since her first e-mail. 10) "Returned mail: User unknown and never wants to hear from you again. 3) She's suddenly changed her address to comingout@lesbian. I'm only interested in women' said the woman." A bloke is sat at a bar when he sees this gorgeous woman waiting for her date." "I see. Make. hairy man. A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist.'s face in the JPEG she sent because she's obscured by her 25 cats. VA. L. but his GIF looks like some geek who works for a software company. I bet I can change your mind' said the bloke. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward. she attacks you in the Mines of Quarn with a Vorpal Sword when she learns you're worth 45. you can 14 Signs Your Online Relationship Isn't Working Out 14) You discover that "Chesty McBust" isn't her real name. 6) You can barely make out your S. she had had .gov" 1) In an ironic twist of fate. 'I think you're wasting your time. "Doctor. hairy man. 'Oh come on. 5) He claims to be the richest man in the world." she pleaded.000 points." nodded the psychiatrist. He decides to go over and chat her up. want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter. 12) Her postmaster rejects your e-mail not as "undeliverable" but as "unlikely to get you anywhere. NO!" exclaimed the woman. you discover that the object of your affection is a curvaceous 18 year old. And then afterward. "And you." 9) Your cyber-lover is just too busy editing that silly little Top 5 List. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy.com has become cold and distant. After ten minutes of the bloke pestering her. Your online girlfriend: Large. and she's dialing in from Langley." 11) After months of shared experiences and emotional investments. she lets a reference to cutting her chin shaving slip by. you must help me.
I told him that I once broke-up with a girl long ago because she had a seemingly incurable speech impediment. "I don't have time for sex. But a talking frog is pretty neat. "My husband's home! My husband's home!" Over drinks one afternoon a buddy of mine and I were discussing former "loves". the associate was puzzled. The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket. "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you great sex for a whole year!". barman get this lady a drink' he said. I'm shocked. "She couldn't say 'yes'. I've never come across your faces before.. They are walking down the hall when President Clinton sees them. I paused and reflected. "I'd sure like to fuck her!" "Really?" the other responded. He was glad for the interlude because it taught him how much his wife loved him." A young associate was romantically ambushed in a darkened room of the law firm. I'll give you great sex for a week". "What's wrong with you? I've promised you great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss a frog?" "I'm a programmer. "Gee." Reasons For Being Fired From Toys 'R' Us . "All I know for sure is that it was a partner -." Two lawyers were walking down Rodeo Drive. George said. Finally.42 enough. the frog says "OK. when asked by a friend to identify the lover. the frog says. I never know you to be one to be prejudiced against handicaps. After months of the social isolation that comes from eighty hour work weeks. What was the girl's problem?" Taking a sip." one said. "Out of what?" Clinton Joke Two new young interns are hired in the White House.I had to do all the work. "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me. I'll stay with you for a week". The frog pipes up. The programmer smiles and walks on. She was so thrilled to have him around that when a delivery man or the mailman arrived. 'OK' said the woman 'I'll sleep with you if you can do anything for me that my vibrator can't!' 'OK. "What a babe. 'let's see your vibrator do that?' A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road.. "Jimmy. the associate was happy to reciprocate. and saw a beautiful model walking towards them. The President walks up and says.. she ran out and yelled. The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket." he replies. if you kiss me. A few minutes later. However. A few minutes later. OK." A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day.
11. In the middle of their conversation. you answer. When he finally gets himself to the doctor. "Why Doc? Am I going blind?" . and on his honeymoon night in the motel room. Your sales display. he falls to the ground. the doctor casually says. Impromptu demonstrations of why Malibu Ken is not anatomically correct. Source of reefer smoke finally traced to "nostrils" of Geoffrey the Giraffe. "Nope". "You'll be the first. You went overboard with your GI Joe Militia display by adding the Tonka truck full of fertilizer. Too many reports from people who swear they saw Geoffrey the Giraffe in a leather bar. Regardless of the question. Jaws of life needed to pull your knees out of your chest after you jackknifed a Big Wheel." 13. Writhing in agony. 4. Numerous parental complaints about your "Tickle Me Carl The Stock boy" display. 9. "I wanna stay here in the front seat with you. A little too much joie de vivre while demonstrating the erector set." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage." The doc said . I don't". kid -. Every time you're passed over for a promotion. it's still in the CRATE!" A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. "You need to stop masturbating.I'm on break." The guy replies. The "My Little Taxidermy Kit" (with starter squirrel) is not selling. 1. marries. "Barbie's Struggle for Survival in Post-Nuclear Holocaust Malibu" was not exactly an overwhelming success. Caught hocking phlegm into tykes' hands and telling them it was "homemade Gack. They start talking as the doctor is examining his eyes.43 15. 6. he replied. she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. 12. 7." He whips down his pants and says. You got caught adding a garage to your house using embezzled Lego bricks." How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way. "Want to go in the back seat?" she asked. 5." A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. 10. She says. "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. no one has ever touched these breasts. he says. 8. and wired it all together. Cross-dressing the Ken and Barbie dolls and telling kids they're the new "Jerry Springer" edition. he said again. It should be okay next week. "Look at this. Got caught doing your Dolly Parton impression with basketballs again. "Bite me." The Kentuckian and his gal were embracing passionately in the front seat of the car. A few minutes later she asked. you stick your head in an Easy Bake Oven and threaten to "end it all. This was the first time he had seen them." 3. ―Now do you want to get in the back seat?‖ "No. 14. The guy mentions none of this to his girl. if you know what I mean. 2. an impressive work of art.
SWFWHBTP -. she's my wife.Single White Female Who Has Blown the President 3. "How often a week do you sleep with your wife?" asked the inquirer. STLSM -. writing. They were troubled because the President of the United States was behaving in an inappropriate manner and there were many people who saw nothing wrong in what he had done. You lisina to me.Moon walking Single-Gloved Straight/Gay White/Black Male/Female King Of Pop With Predilection For Young Boys 7. Doc. "Well. I can clearly see your nuts!" Ma and Pa where rocking on the front porch when Pa turned and slapped Ma." Last week a very important meeting took place among God. Ma said oh and continued rocking. Top Ten Acronyms Least Used In Personal Ads 10. the Pope and Moses. But grandpa I really don't like guns.Really Hip Macarena Instructor 6. CWP -. "I've felt so weird lately." A man was going door-to-door doing a sexual survey in Jeff's neighborhood. WARSADAP -. MSG S/G W/B M/F KOPWPFYB -.Extremely Hairy White Chick 2. some day you goin a be runna da bussiness." the inquirer said.Will Screw Ugly Bastards for Cash An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. Now. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol.44 The doctor says. a biga home .Janet Reno Look-Alike 9.Cigar-Wielding President 8." Jeff said without hesitation. RHMI -. Ma reached over and slapped Pa. They decided that the only course of action left was to create an 11th Commandment to get their message across. the problem remained exactly how to word this new commandment so that it matched the other commandments in style and holy inspiration. "after all." Jeff said.Heroin Addict with Great Sense of Humor 5. Pa said what was that for? Ma said for knowing the difference. "That makes sense. lotsa money. JRLA -. HAWGSOH -. you goina have a beautiful wife. "Three times. Ma said what was that for? Pa said for forty years of bad sex.Works At Radio Shack and Drives A Pinto and the Number One 1. He says to the doctor. but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room. WSUBFC -. EHWC -." A guy walks INTO a psychiatrist's office covered only in Saran Wrap.Show Tune-Loving Straight Male 4. how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead. so you will always remember me. can you tell me what's wrong?" The doctor replied. "That is once more often than your neighbor. After great meditation and discussion they concluded: "Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff. "No.
'I don't belong here." "Damn. "It did. Today is the viewing" One fine morning in Eden. "Adam. 'What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?' asked the teacher. A young nurse says "Why are you doing that?" He replies. "I thought it died yesterday.45 and maybe a couple od bambino. a few weeks later. "What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't?' asked the teacher." "Oh that's terrible!". "She's down at the river. eat some good breakfast. I knew this would happen. God was looking for Adam and Eve. a soft breeze. we get up before sunrise." Martha tearfully asked. "Oh John. I should be in the third grade!' Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Larry's problem. Martha. but couldn't find them. "now all the fish will smell funny. There are azure skies. The teacher suggested they try some biology questions. At the séance. Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said. Adam said. "Yes Martha. where are you?" "I'm a bull in Montana.." says God. They vowed that if either died." Martha was somewhat taken aback. Where is Eve now?" Adam replied. washing herself out. she called out. then. some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man. sunshine most of the time. 'I don't belong here. you have sinned. I can hear you. . the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death." "What do you do all day?" asked Martha. After lunch. this is Martha. "Is that what heaven really is like?" "Heaven? I'm not in heaven." There were two lovers. I should be in third grade!' The teacher looked at little Larry's records and told him to please take his seat. he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the room and said. "The morning Eve and I made love for the first time. The same nurse says. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say. "TIMES UP"? A man at a retirement home was walking around with his zipper down holding his penis. we nap until two and then make love again until about five. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her. 'Pockets!' said Larry." On little Larry's first day of first grade. True to her word. they soon discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of. "It died today. Later in the day God saw Adam and asked where he and Eve were earlier. 'Legs!' Larry immediately replied. the grass is so green and the cows have such beautiful eyes. what is it like where you are?" "It's great. "Well. and there's nothing but making love until noon. The principal and the first grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he belonged. who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation.. his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later." God said.m. John. After dinner. Martha." "Well. we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p. the nurse replied The next day the man has his penis hanging outside of his pants again. Well. the young man died in a car wreck. Unfortunately. this is John. "John." The man replies.
John figured she was really weird and took her home early. All of them had lost their penises! He next summoned the palace guards and the result was the same." This fellow was so deeply in love that just before he was married. and completed the exam with tremendous skill. They ambled over to the weight guesser. she called the instructor. Since they had been there before.. Fearing an error. Immediately after his arrival he summoned the queen's private bodyguards to his foyer and having dispatched all attendants ordered them to undress." There once lived a king and a queen who ruled a large kingdom." The instructor said. in the men's room. but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting. Her roommate." she said. she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. which is also worth 50% of the mark. He guessed 120 pounds. Now they're on their honeymoon at a resort in Montego Bay. it would slice any elongated object that ventured anywhere within an inch of the queen's waist. which was worth 50% of the total mark. I missed those last two questions!' This sex researcher phones one of the participants in a recent survey of his to check on a discrepancy. saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result. who said. When the results came back. 'Maybe he should be in third grade. asked her about the blind date. signed up for evening classes and attended diligently. Normally. the tattoo spelled out W -E-N-D-Y. it was wousy. "Oh. One night. He asks the bloke. "And that's how it's going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off. and John lost his dollar. The magician built an invisible contraption that was attached to the queen's waist. Your wife. "What would you like to do first. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the muffler. "I want to get weighed. . he guessed her correct weight. "How'd it go?" Kim responded. Waura. Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse you answered 'twice weekly'. A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. Tom and Harry. "During the exam. "I want to get weighed. When the ride was over." John took his blind date to the carnival. The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. When time for the practical exam approached. By this time. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved. He sought the services of his court magician to help identify the culprits. answered 'several times a night'. she prepared carefully for weeks. You put the engine back together again perfectly. only the first and last letters were visible." she responded. he had his bride's name tattooed on his love muscle. on inspection found the only man who had a penis left on him! Pleased with his minister's loyalty he asked him as to what punishment would befit all the others and in reply received only a blubbering sound from the minister's mouth. "I want to get weighed. Kim?" asked the man. She got on the scale." "That's right. this fellow finds himself standing next to a tall Jamaican at the urinal. learning all she could. By mid-afternoon he realized that there was not a single male soul in the vicinity who had not made a valiant attempt only to be left peniless (pun). you took the engine apart perfectly. The only man left was his minister and to his surprise the king. although when he was aroused. dropping her off with a handshake." said the girl. After some time the king grew suspicious of the queen's escapades and wanted to punish the subjects willing to risk their lives for a fling with her. Having set his trap the king set off on a hunting trip and returned to his palace after spending a sleepless week and burning with curiosity." replies the bloke..46 The teacher looked at the principal. Laura. John again asked Kim what she would like to do. it read 117 and she won a prize. Back to the weight guesser they went. The king was short in vital parts and the queen had to seek solace with every Dick. on the other hand. The mechanism was simple.
she screams "A colon backslash enter insert!" 2. "I was on top ". "Ed Zachary Disease. have a nice day." and she did. Chang. Do you have a girlfriend named Wendy?" "No way. 9. I work for the Tourist board. "What would you like for lunch dear?" "Oh I think I'll have a shag please!" So again they shag and he returns to work. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underwear. husband comes downstairs in the morning and the wife asks what he'd like for breakfast "Oh I think I'll have a shag please!" So they go upstairs have a shag then he goes to work. "Take off all your clothes and you crawl real fass away from me across the froor. 6. During sex. "You will have a boy!" the doctor exclaimed. When the woman arrived. she replied. In the morning. "you haf real bad case of Ed Zachary disease. Chang said. "but I couldn't help noticing your tattoo. Half hour later he walks in the house and finds his wife sliding up and down the banister! "What are you doin?" he asks." he says. The second woman was asked the same question.that when your face rook ED-ZACHARY rike your ass!" Top Ten Signs Your Spouse May Be Having an On-Line Affair 10.. In hopes of finding a solution to her problem. He's gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive. " said the doctor. . Lately she sits at the computer naked.. mon..'" A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. Husband comes home for lunch. she decided that it was time to see a doctor. he always has a cigarette. Dr. has the letters W-Y tattooed on his penis.. she told the doctor her symptoms and he said.. 4. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate. She makes sarcastic remarks about your "software". Lipstick on the mouse. 1.you crawl real fass back to me. Chang shook his head and said. "I'm warming up your dinner!!" There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived?" "He was on top ". After signing off. "Welcome to Jamaica. mon." She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr. the computer screen is all fogged up. she came upon a Chinese sex therapist named Dr. too.worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex probrem.. 8. Newly married couple both nymphomaniacs. "you will have a baby girl. "Excuse me." The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Ed Zachary Disease was and he replied. Looking thru the phone book. he notices that this man.47 To his amazement.. "Now. 7. Mine reads. The fax file is filled with pictures of someone's butt. 5. was the reply. 3..
I am now 47 and am looking for a guy with a big dick. and your wife is on the back of the milk carton. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up. no. "Witch. burst into tears. I found an exciting guy. I hoped that one day I would have a boyfriend. a blonde. he was a drama queen. though of course he thinks it's all a bit odd. he tells the man. But he sets off into the forest and sure enough finds the witch sitting in front of her cottage casting spells. "please help me. "What's the matter?" asked the doc. I have a fifty inch long penis and no one will have sex with me!" . When I turned 31. "No. Because he's so desperate he decides he'll go and see her.48 With this. But the doctor refuses ." he said. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up. your mistress is on the cover of Playboy.. but there was no passion. But he can't get any sex. He was so ambitious that he divorced me. She might be able to help. When I was 25. But one Saturday night the cock went missing! The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning. impetuous things and flirted with everyone he met. In college I dated a passionate guy. cried all the time and threatened suicide.he can't shorten a perfectly good penis. Has anybody seen MY cock?" All the nuns. but he does happen to know a witch who lives in the forest. "Am I going to have puppies?‖. but he was too emotional. He was great fun initially and very energetic. I got a boyfriend. but directionless. "No. because every woman who sees it faints at the sight. He rushed from one thing to another. During Mass. So I decided to find a guy with some ambition. never settling on anything. I found a very stable guy but he was boring. Story of a Woman who just turned 47 When I was 16. The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. "No. "that wasn't what I meant. "that wasn't what I meant. but I couldn't keep up with him. So I decided I needed a guy with stability. He made me miserable as often as happy. When I was 18. "that wasn't what I meant. The Perfect Breakfast As a Man Sees It You‘re sitting at the table and your son is on the cover of Wheaties. I found a smart ambitious guy with his feet planted firmly on the ground and married him. two priests and a goat stood up. no.. three altar boys. "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up." he says. When I was 28. So he goes to the doctor and begs him to shorten it.. He was totally predictable and never got excited about anything." he said. and ran off with my best friend. So I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life. the third women. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a guy with some excitement. Everything was an emergency. There's a man who has fifty inch long penis." he said. took everything I owned. he asked the congregation. no. He did mad..
Not a single erection."Hey.more layoffs.. "You do need my help.. He was obviously going to have to interview them both and then decide. go on. for he will be sorely troubled with sexual thoughts while he is in our midst. waiting expectantly. Anyhow." replies the man... your penis will shrink by ten inches!" Weird though this is. Ask him to marry you. And. so there was only one solution .. and each time he refuses. so off he goes into the forest." he whispers. I'm married to God. he finds the magic frog singing quietly to itself. and from behind him comes the tinkling of nine little bells.Jack and Mary. "please marry me!" The frog looks extremely annoyed. This was going to be a hard decision . the man is desperate." Well. As the Abbott explains to the ten potential recruits." he mumbles. the bell rings furiously and goes flying off across the room with the force of his erection. and she'll have sex with you!" . his penis has shrunk by ten inches! It's still a bit long for sex.." So he bends down. "I can't possibly do that." So the men. unzips his trousers and slaps his cock on the counter.his cock shoots up.. shakes his head and shouts.AND FOR THE LAST TIME. shocked.. he knows that if you don't ask you don't get. and all you have to do is lie on one of the tombstones dressed in white robe with a false beard. we must be sure that you won't be troubled by sexual impulses if join the order. "I'm sorry. Not a sound. any man whose bell rings will have failed the test. the bus driver stops him . and attach this bell to the end of your penis. tell me!" "Every Saturday night she goes to the cemetery to pray. The woman behind the counter doesn't bat an eyelid. But there were only two possibilities . sure enough. but he's delighted. can you jack off. A man walks into a watch and clock store. so he goes to join the monastery... "No . this is a clock shop .. and equally qualified . at forty inches. Well. sit on the bench.. "I'll just pick it up and leave.they were both excellent workers. and must leave at once. He won't be allowed to join our order. Take your clothes off... his penis has shrunk by ten inches again! It's now only thirty inches long! The guy thinks this is wonderful but. he thinks. When the naked woman comes into the room.I told you once!" the frog croaks.." she says. teasing the men as she goes.49 She takes one look at his massive cock and then says. naked butt upwards. Until she gets to the end of the line and pushes her butt into the man's face.. confused and embarrassed. sit on the bench with a little bell tied to the end of their cocks.. he's disappointed.but one had to go. Something to do with the black stockings maybe.sure enough. another ten inches off would be perfect! "Frog. so he thinks that's that. "I'm sorry. "Why don't you put two hands and a face on it?" The manager was having difficulty with profits and fixed costs.. I've got a terrible headache?" This bloke gets on a bus and sees a nun he rather fancies.. But there's a recruitment test. "Froggy." he roars across the pond. still. She looks him straight in the eye and says "Put that away Sir." The guy looks down .NO. So he called Mary in first.. please marry me!" "No ." he shouts. "My sons.. but he sees her point. it's all too much for him . seeing as how I'm a frog and you're a man. balls dangling. so he shouts back at the frog: "Oh. "I've got some bad news. But when he gets off the bus. will you have sex with me?" "Oh no. I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off. "I know how you can get to have sex with her!" "You do?" the guy says. "I can't do that.NO!" So this guy's tired of life and fed up with not getting sex. "No!" he croaks. "I can't do that!" The man looks down . so he turns to her and says: "Sister.sure enough." he began. So we have a test for all our prospective members... tell her you're God. "please marry me!" The frog looks up. young and old alike. Then the most beautiful young blonde with big tits waltzes into the room and starts walking slowly down the line. But you must go into the forest and find the magic frog who lives in the pond.not a cock shop!" "Well. annoyed." She looked at him for a moment in silence then replied: "Well.. not a single bell rings. "quick.
Ken's boat.Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house." "Hey. The horse's owner goes over to the other guy. "your wish is my command. She was a bit embarrassed. hang on. the bigger it gets!" A guy walks into a bar with his horse and offers $100 to anybody who can make the horse laugh. his chance has finally come! "Genie. well. but why not? So Saturday night sees him in the cemetery. and Divorced Barbie for $265. this time written slightly larger. Amazingly.95.. Sure enough." she replies." he demands. So the following week." it declaims." the man declares. the horse laughs his head off. and went on with the lesson.00 when all the others are only $19.. So she rubbed it out again." he replies.. he's skeptical. With a red face she rubbed it out and went on with the lesson. but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex. in larger letters. and says: "Hey. but his time he offers $200 to anyone who can make the horse cry. "why is Divorced Barbie $265. they all agree to swap partners for one night.. Again next day. This week I showed him. The same guy comes up to him. So he asks the assistant. as you would. the horse is sobbing. "give me a cock that touches the floor. She goes straight to the point: "So how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.95. "last week I told him I had a bigger cock than him.95."penis". he's pretty desperate too. Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19. so she didn't say anything. The male Martian looks puzzled. He's got only a tiny penis about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick." Whereupon both his legs fell off. Ken's furniture. on Friday she went into the classroom to find chalked up: "See." says the male Martian. Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95?" "Yeah. I just gotta know . As he finishes. "Oh master. "but maybe we'd better check it out to be sure!" So." This guy's walking along the beach when he kicks a bottle. the guy is back in the bar with his horse again. Much to his surprise." cries the nun. it's like this. disappointed beyond belief.. "What's the matter?" "Well. every day the word penis getting bigger. so he goes along with it and enjoys his romp with her. Well. "I'm not God." says Maureen. he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.how did you do that?" "Simple. It's 2022 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles." The nun agrees without question." he cries. keeping his hood low about his face. the harder you rub it. I'm the man in the bus!" "Ha-ha. The first thing they see is a Martian couple. when they come back. thinks the guy. I think. after some discussion. "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19. this went on for a whole week. But the next day when she came in." she says. she found the same thing again . "I don't think this is going to work. and he whispers something in the horse's ear. Finally." the guy asks. Mike and Maureen naturally want to know how they have sex. the nun comes in and begins to pray. there was the word "penis" again. Barbie Goes Shopping for $19." Great.00. but rubbed it out and went on with the class. then whispers to the horse and they go off to the bathroom. "Why not?" he asks. "Like you do. Ken's car.95. as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.50 Well.95. Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19. Only one guy says he can do it.. "Ha-ha." The teacher walked into the classroom to find the word "penis" chalked in small letters on the board. "How much is Barbie?" "Well.. Sure enough. "I am God. a genie flies out.. Well. "it's just not long enough to go inside me!" . "and you must have sex with me. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. "Guess what? I'm the bus driver! A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter.
His wife. Bill came home one day white-faced. picks up the store intercom and says. Bill. but Bill refused . Sometimes." says Mike. So she asks him to drop his pants for her to check. I'll try to make it quick. terribly concerned. "Yes. the next man in line thought this was interesting and. . and asks if she could have some brought up to the register." This man's in the line at the supermarket check out.he'd be too embarrassed. It squirms and writhes and stretches out. Sir. But when he gets to the register he realizes he's forgotten to pick up his condoms. I mean what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh. passionate love. his cock grows till it's actually pretty long. "all I got was a terrible headache. So he asks the checkout girl if she could have someone bring them. With each pull. "My God. it's softly warm and loyal. he thinks. you didn't. His testicles on either side. "that's very impressive. Next day the two couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. horrified. but I'll just check your size. it misbehaves." replies Maureen. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. his cock grows wider and wider until it's huge! "Wow!" shouts Maureen. so." she says. He thought what he'd seen was just so cool. "Clean up crew to check out 10!" Bill worked in a pickle factory. But at the slightest hint of lust.. she got fired too.." Well. and he'd never had any sexual experience with a woman." I have a little poem. "but it was pretty wonderful. yes. So a few weeks later." says the male Martian. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh Bill. she asks him to drop his pants to check his size. it's smooth and mostly hairless. this is great service. Bill." A few customers back was this teen-age boy. "My God. he tells the checker that he too has forgotten to get condoms. Mike says to Maureen. With each slap. She just kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears." she moaned. erecting when it shouldn't. I did. grabs his cock. suggested that he saw sex therapist to talk about it. but it's still quite narrow. he said." "No problem. When he gets to the register. and he drops 'em. She replies. She asks him what size. and he says he doesn't know. His wife knew something was seriously wrong. so this seemed like his big chance.51 "No problem." he says. Sure enough. "One box of medium sized condoms to check out 10. picks the store intercom and announces. it's like an untamed beast. It seems to have a mind all of its own. It starts to grow so quickly when a guy's about thirteen. "Well. She reaches over the counter. when he gets to the check out." Wow. Bill looked at her. It dangles neatly down below. An organ with such lovely skin. "Well. what happened?" "I got fired." "No. A penis is a splendid thing. his willy in between. it's ready to uncoil. One quick feel. what's wrong?" she asked. and starts to slap his forehead with his hand. How about you?" "It was horrible. and she picks up the intercom and announces. Bill. and he starts pulling his ears. "Of course. Drop your pants please. he tells the checker he needs some condoms bringing up.. "One box of large condoms to check out 10. you ladies should be jealous. just when you 'spect it least. was it any good?" "I hate to say it. He'd been employed there for years when he came home one day and told his wife he had a terrible compulsion. and vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own." replied Bill. before they fall into bed and make mad. gives him a quick feel. As they walk along. The subject is quite simple: the joy of owning dick.
it uses yours. Somehow. Just suck and fondle. it knows which juice to shoot. "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies. and then I wish it wouldn't. sunning on the beach." The man asks. puts it back in and zips it up. scars. moles. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him. That's just some old wives' tale. with hair clumps. 9. "No problem. "Mr. it can get you in big trouble. Without this super organ. "Ah. and more than that . be sure you never chew. 'cause it really can relieve. "OK. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?" "Umm. Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. 7.at least some folks believe. Once you've started playing with it. wearing little. 4. If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures. "I don't know. but must admit defeat. And so I'd say with certainty That every man just loves his tool: But girls. man. "Why on earth did I do that?" It has no conscience and no memory. it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do. wondering what they'll see. As Bob's standing there. Bob says. lick and play. Bob then shakes it. I'll help you. But handle it with love and care. If you're not careful what you do with it. but it makes it hard to get any real work done. The guy tells Bob.now when did I last measure? Some men will fret about their size: they give it lots of thought.52 A bumpy train ride sets it off. ever bend! Why E-mail Is Like a Penis 1. It can be up or down. I really appreciate it. And better yet. sir. there's no way they can pee! Masturbating is a sin . Later you may ask yourself. But if another glances back at them. Being a kind soul. "Thanks. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. but what the hell's wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says. for it will give great pleasure. It has its own agenda. it will do the same damn dumb things it did before. It has some splendid functions. They sneak a look in toilets." Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps. Instead. it stays with one. Left to its own devices. A glimpse of wobbly boobs or bums will make it squirm and reach." Bob says. 5. It has no brain of its own. OK. that is a new piece of information. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant. 2. do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?" "Sure. yeah. scabs. no matter how good your intentions. it can spread viruses." Then the man says.to pee! But what seems most amazing about my one-eyed flute. rashes. he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak." A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. I often check if it has grown . and reeks something awful. sure. but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?" "And did you know we milk the . it will warp your behavior. Those who have it would be devastated if it were cut off. And never. "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says. 6. Whatever it is doing. I'm sure you will agree: To start a whole new life. OK. The guy has no arms. taking care of business. until one's old and frail. "Uh. 3. Is seven inches long enough? It makes them quite distraught. Brown. or you'll be thrown in jail. It's more fun when it's up. some don't. Lesbians can try their best. no shag would be complete. Some people have it. and Bob points for him. 8. Don't take it out in public though. but I ain't touching it. During summer.
Top 15 Euphemisms for Impotence 15. that's interesting. so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God. but. She went to the counter and questioned the clerk. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun. but all of yours are so expensive". The hippie decides this is a great idea. "I wanted to buy my husband a pet.. You can catch a fish on a 20-cent night crawler. It gives blow jobs. The clerk said. Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing. that's bad. If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are god and you could command her to have sex with you. the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day. but only screwing you once a year. "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you". "Well. too?" A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet. A few parts shy of an erector set . She got up to go see what was going on. At midnight sure enough the nun showed up. "What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?" asked the woman." Well.00?? For a Frog??" asked the woman. what's the point?" "Lady. you don't have to lie and promise to still be friends after you let it go. Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither and don't want to know how many other fish you caught. she said. The hippie says that he'd love to know. she thought his was a heck of a deal. In fishing you lie about the one that got away. Would you like to see it?" "$50. About two in the morning. If you're making love and you catch something." said the clerk. She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift. In loving you lie about the one you caught. If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie minimum. first you must have sex with me. You can catch and release a fish.53 cows twice a day?" "Mr. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. your ass is outta here. and she'd never have to do that again. Ha Ha I'm the hippie!!" Then the nun jumps up and shouts "Ha Ha Ha I'm the bus driver!!" Why Fishing is Better Than Sex When you go fishing and you catch something.. that's good. "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50. wouldn't you go mad. the woman did not particularly enjoy giving head. Performing with Flaccido Domingo 13. while she was in the middle of praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. so on Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. but said for sure he'd try it out that night. "Well. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the bus at the next stop. When the bus starts on its way the driver says to the hippie. sitting at the kitchen table like best buddies. The husband looks up at her and says. The woman went to bed that night relieved knowing she'd never have to give another blow job. 180 degrees shy of heaven 14. When she got to the kitchen she saw her husband and the frog. so. "I AM GOD" I have heard your prayers and I will answer them BUT . The woman decided to buy the frog. Of course. After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts "Ha. She'd get her husband a gift he'd surely enjoy. You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish. The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. her husband was a bit skeptical. "It's a special frog. Brown. if I can teach this frog to cook.00. she woke up to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen." A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. looking through cookbooks. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were very expensive.
. Population: You 2.. Miraculously.. Disappointing Miss Daisy 8. A gunfight breaks out. holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look. Less-than-Magic Johnson 4.. and she has all but forgotten the incident in the bank. "Mom. are my testicles black?" Finally. comes to her mother and says. right?" The son says. Welcome to Flaccid City." The mother explains everything. also a daughter. the strangest thing just happened. You are going to have triplets — but each baby has a bullet in it." he mumbles from behind the mask. "Nurse.. and says "There is nothing wrong with them!" Finally. "Mom. Ascension Deficit Disorder 6. the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies. they have hit no vital organs. When she arrives and sits down on Santa's lap Santa asks "What do you want for Christmas little girl?". "No. I'm only here to wash your hands and feet". He struggles again to ask.. "No. "You passed a bullet. back? A pregnant woman is in the bank when the bank is robbed. are. Twelve years pass. The Null Monty 9. comes to her mother and says." The mother interrupts her and says. Mom — I was masturbating and shot the dog!" . "But Barbie comes with Ken" Santa says. "I don't know. She is rushed to the hospital. A few weeks later.. results. comes to his mother and says. the third child. the young nurse replies. Not rising to the level of impeachable offense 10. a son. and she is shot 3 times in the abdomen. right?" The mother goes on to tell the daughter the story. Barbie only 'cums' with GI Joe!" A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. "I have good and bad news for you. "Nurse. All Doled up with nowhere to go 3. One day. Bouncing the Check of Love 5. Taking the gold at the Lake Flaccid Olympics 7. "Mom. raises his gown. the doctor tells her. the strangest thing just happened — I was using the toilet. the second child. test. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed. Sch-wing and a miss 11. she is unharmed. my." The woman has 3 healthy babies. "You passed a bullet. and I passed a bullet. After giving a full examination. she pulls back the covers. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet. the first child. and she assures her daughter that everything is okay. and eventually your children will pass the bullets naturally.. Several weeks later.54 12. a daughter." The mother interrupts him and says. the strangest thing just happened. though. Luckily. "I want a Barbie and a GI Joe" says the little girl. Unleavened Man-Bread A little girl goes to see Santa Clause at the local shopping mall. Serving boneless pork 1. "That was very nice but.
She isn't pleased but decides to give him a blow job. your dick tastes like shit. What happens when you give Viagra to lawyers? They grow taller! . "I don't know. "What will it be? Small. He goes up to his dad and ask him. * When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is. The wife is tired and replies. * He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose. they high-five each other.55 A man goes into a drug store and asks the cashier for some rubbers. medium." LAWYER JOKES YOU know you need a Different Lawyer when . He replies: "Yeh. the dog didn't want to go either." "Yes." The boy leaves to go find his friend and brings her to the woods." * A prison guard is shaving your head. I don't want to go in the morning. "What is a penis?" The boy replied." the man answers. or large?" The man replies. you. * He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger. so she tells him to go to the back yard and measure his dick by sticking it into each of the three holes in the fence. "This is a penis. "What size do you want?" "Well. * He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser. we will head off at sunrise. They get there late at night and the man says. give me a hundred feet of that fence back there!" There is a little boy and a little girl in the woods. * During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway... The husband is furious and replies. The little girl asked the boy. and if it was two inches smaller it would be the perfect penis!" One afternoon a man says to his wife. The girl again asks him what a penis is. While the man is back there." she says. the lady sneaks around to the other side of the fence and spreads her legs behind each hole as the man tests it. me and the dog shoot." At that time he hears his mum calling him for lunch. "This is a penis. He whips out his penis and says to her. They pack the truck and head off. I don't know.. The wife isn't to pleased but realizes it's one or the other. "Size? I didn't know they came in sizes. They rise early in the morning and the husband says well. The lady is used to this. you. gee. me and the dogs are going pig shooting. He goes home and eats his lunch.. they do." * He tells you that he's never told a lie. "To hell with the rubbers. "What is a penis?" The dad whips his out and says to the boy. or you give me a blow job or we have anal sex. I will give you 3 options. "What size?" The man replies. the cashier asks. as a matter of fact this is the perfect penis. The cashier asks. When the they return. As soon as she starts she stops and says.. what's it to be. Then he sees his dad on the couch. * You met him in prison.
"This is a ripoff . A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds. and it's inoperable . He asked the priest. "My Daddy's a lawyer. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed." he asked. the receptionist who fielded the calls began to realize it was always the same voice. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains . "I'm sorry. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. it's so large. Suddenly. The reply: "I used to be one of his junior associates. I'm a lawyer. The lawyer replied. replied Tommy. they have to do a brain transplant. there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car. were overheard talking at the zoo one day." A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers. but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked. All you care about is your possessions. "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well. and I just like to hear you say it. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor.in fact. Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him. "My Daddy's an accountant. Finally. One attorney turns to his associate and comments "Boy. and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." replied the second. because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it.how come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?" The doctor replies. do you?" A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor." replied the priest. I am.there's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce. The lawyer turns around. "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?" The crusty old managing partner finally passed away. and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues. it never would be the same. enjoy the load. so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. the river overflowed. and then swerve back onto the road." The lawyer looked puzzled. "HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. "how did you start the flood?" Two small boys. "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well. a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce. so she asked who it was and why he kept calling. he's dead. (at this point some of you are probably wondering how the trucker could distinguish the lawyers from the humans. "Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. Obviously he saw the trail of slime they left!) One day.56 Two attorneys were walking out of a bar and a beautiful young lady walks by. Tommy replied. Father?" "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road. "Tommy. "No. but his firm kept receiving calls asking to speak with him. What are you doing here?" The doctor replied. I would like to fuck her! The other attorney thinks for a second and said "Out of what"? One day. not yet old enough to be in school. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. it caught fire. Finally." was the standard answer. "NOOO!" he screamed. satisfying "THUMP". and the lawyer ran up to him yelling." "Well. "Gee. "Where are you going. . The outraged lawyer says. a cop came by. back. "Yes. and neck. and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. just the regular kind". when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there. he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!" A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there." "Honest?" asked Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me. "My name is Billy.
"I'm sorry. The outraged lawyer says. he turned to the priest and said. Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything. "or that my brother. get down on my knees and give you the best blow job of your life. he still heard a loud "THUD". "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500. and it's inoperable . "I got him with the door!" Generous lawyer A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. "I'm sorry Father. Climb in the truck. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains . why should I give any to you?" An attractive woman found herself alone in the elevator with a lawyer.how come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?" The doctor replies. "First. Father! I'll give you a lift.. "I had no idea." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. so at the last minute he swerved back away. you give not a penny to charity. The reply: "I used to be one of his junior associates. but his firm kept receiving calls asking to speak with him." A new female associate was romantically ambushed in a darkened room at her new firm. and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed. he's dead. "So if I don't give any money to them.57 "No problem. the United Way rep mumbled. completely beaten. "Um . "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?" The crusty old managing partner finally passed away. but was interrupted again. Finally. When asked by her best friend to identify the new lover.there's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce." was the standard answer." On a roll. "I could push this red button. a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce. replied the priest. "or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident. He thought a minute and said." she purred.. they have to do a brain transplant. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep.in fact. narrowly missing the lawyer.he made me do all the work.000." "That's okay". no. she was puzzled: "All I know for sure is that it was a partner ." the lawyer's voice rising in indignation. said simply. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied.. and I just like to hear you say it. "This is a rip-off .. I almost hit that lawyer. did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness. the receptionist who fielded the calls began to realize it was always the same voice. is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology. "I'm sure you could . and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce.but what's in it for me?" A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor. to her surprise and delight. a disabled veteran. the lawyer cut him off once again." The lawyer interrupts. it's so large. so she asked who it was and why he kept calling." . However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer.
" Children who never come when called will grow up to be doctors. with a bill charging rates of $500 an hour. The waiter snorts. "He said 'Get lost. A lawyer's job is secure . An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor. You wouldn't dare shoot me. "Judge Garber has just died" said the attorney.who would build a robot to do nothing? There's a true story about a convicted con man who was recently found to be impersonating a lawyer in New York City." . "and I want to take his place. put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head. To which the judge remarked. Gringo. and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down. perplexed. Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titanic. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. it's a shame to wake him.'" An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out!" But the bandit didn't speak English. insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency. a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out. After a lengthy search. in deepest Africa. finds a cannibal restaurant. Children who come before they are called will grow up to be lawyers." Replied the governor "Well. Livingston. He was always so punctual and polite. The lawyer was outraged. a reward was offered for his capture. The lawyer answered. saying "I don't even make that kind of money . and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. "You're under arrest.fried doctor brains for twenty bucks. in Spanish. Having lawyers make laws is like having doctors make diseases. Stanley Livingston.doesn't that seem a bit steep?" The plumber replied. snuck up behind him. and roasted attorney brains for two hundred bucks. sautéed architect brains for twenty-five bucks." Any time a lawyer is seen and not heard. The specialty of the day is brains . when I was a lawyer. and said. "So. he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina. that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina. "That's what I thought. Finally. a lawyer. "I should have suspected he wasn't a lawyer.58 The plumber presented his customer. "Do you know what a job it is to clean those suckers?" A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Fortunately. its OK with me if its OK with the undertaker. what is it?" grumbled the governor. asks the waiter why the attorney brains are so costly.
St. "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea. and greeted him warmly." "You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice. A housewife." sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "Your honor. go and bury 20 of them. and a lawyer. Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced. Then St. What do you want to have him arrested for ?" "Well. Peter replied. Amie. "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse. you be first. Billy's father said." "Why ?" asked the judge. "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine. Amie?" Amie shyly stood up." The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. When Satan heard this. and into a comfortable chair by his desk. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice. "How much do you want it to be?" Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?" A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. "My father is a mailman. I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients. "If I wasn't under oath. To his surprise. he laughed and said. an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?" The housewife replies: "Four!". Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing. Adolf Hitler. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line. and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!" A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. I'd return the compliment." "Thank you. How about you. Billy's father answered the door. Peter. "What about your father. To his dismay." That's wonderful. so he went and took the car I stole. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said. "Well. the jury acquitted him. God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all.59 Q: You're stranded in a deserted island with Attila the Hun. "I'm actually an attorney. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time. there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. "I don't mind all this attention. "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?" . but what makes me so special?" St." replied the witness. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. "He won your acquittal. The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. "She's a doctor." replied Carlson. scuffed her feet and said. You have a revolver with two bullets." The lawyer pulls the drapes." said the teacher." It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets. "Tim. your honor. and after a long trial." he said. What do you do? A: Shoot the lawyer twice! When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet." she said. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was. The lawyer said. "I didn't have the money to pay his fee.
and throws the Lawyer through it." replied the sheriff. gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities. an American and a Lawyer are in a train. that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place. The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case." A Russian. agreed. along came two huge Bears . The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes. Early one morning. He admits all these things. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy. eager to get a freebee off a lawyer. And the list goes on for quite awhile. Sure enough. he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle thru it. leveled his gun.. I've done some charity in my life also. As they went around the berry patch. and says: "In USSR. One more time. pointing to the male. 3. "Why did you switch?" "Well. he throws the pack of Havana's thru the window. the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no. that we can just throw it away. to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. His friend. "I said he was in the other!" "Exactly. "That's Strange!" At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another. However. and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do. the American just stands up. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer." replied the stonecutter.. After he had made his selection. Who gets it? The old drunk. nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigar and we have so much of them. On one particular occasion. but argues.. Peter looks in his book and says. wasn't so lucky. and SHOT THE FEMALE. second.". opens the window.a male and a female. which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. we have the best cigars of the world: Havana. Saying that. while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head." A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country. that we can just throw them away. I see. and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. "Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer. The sheriff looked at the bears. the lab assistants don't get so attached to them. He just had to save his friend. All the others are quite impressed. the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied. sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings.. Well. lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba. And we have so much of it. Overcharging fees to many clients. "Certainly will. the tooth fairy.Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high. a Cuban. tore into town as fast has he could.. immediately dashed for cover. nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in the Ukraine. an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill." St." Saying that. "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell.. and without batting an eye.. pours some into a glass. "people will read it and exclaim. A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?" The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. of course. the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer" "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer. the two bears were still there. takes one of them. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Peter is listing his sins: 1. "Sorry. "Wait. 2." St. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful. and got the local backwoods sheriff. it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. though. "In this state.60 Santa Claus.. the lawyer.Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty.. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer. drinks it. Well. but I can't do that. The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack. everybody is quite impressed.rising early and living in the great outdoors. he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend. "Yes. The Cuban takes a pack of Havana's.Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case. correct?" The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies." Yes. took careful aim. However. seeing the two bears. Each summer. we have the best vodka of the world. ." retorted the stonecutter. they had a splendid time in the country . for three reasons. the other three are mythological creatures." responded the lawyer. At this time.
"Well. "Hey! Cut it out. "Absolutely. The lawyer did his best selling job.61 A lawyer's dog. A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court." and they continue. Several periods of time later -. I bluffed you!" The old rancher replied." The lawyer. the old ambulance chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. the rear tiger once more licks the ass of the tiger in front. I hate to tell you this. do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers. came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash. the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. that darned old fool. old man. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. "I said stop it!" The rear tiger says. "Oh. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.it could be the next day but that would be unrealistic -." and they continue. The Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks." "Then you owe me $8. "You can't take it with you. His plan was that when he passed away. and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. "What is it with you. already. After about another 5 minutes.the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation. was determined to prove wrong the saying. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger. young feller. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check." she exclaimed." What's the difference between an attorney and a trampoline? You take your boots off to jump on a trampoline. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed." A group of Arab terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Convention.and the butcher hadn't brought the shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office]. up in the attic cleaning. beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. running about unleashed. but I put one over on you in there. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. After about another 5 minutes. I couldn't have won the case. without a word. I'll tell you. he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. "Sorry. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.it's too plebeian -." The rear tiger says. because that durned bull came home this morning. "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store. who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness. I just ate an attorney and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!" A stingy old attorney. The startled tiger turns around and says. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. "Well. "You know. "Sorry. writes the butcher a check for $8. the deceased attorney's wife. More than a hundred attorneys were taken as hostages." After much thought and consideration. anyway?" The rear tiger replies.50. telling the rancher. . The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says.50 [attorneys don't carry cash -. Two tigers are stalking through the brush when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. Several weeks after the funeral. The scene is a dark jungle in Africa. I was a little worried about winning that case myself.
saw the crashed bus. Angela. and then asked the old farmer. and the attorney offered the doctor a drink from a pocket flask." whispered Angela. but he couldn't get near the car. After years of hard work. she recognized a former high school classmate. a car was involved in an accident. "Using your logic." The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey. shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches. As the attorney started to put the cap back on the flask the doctor asked. "But don't tell my mother. I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. they would release one attorney every hour. The doctor took the flask with a shaking hand and belted back a couple of swallows. "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim. The fault was questionable. Being a clever sort. The old farmer after seeing what happened went over to investigate. As expected a large crowd gathered. Angie took her first vacation on a luxury cruise ship. An attorney defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles.62 The terrorist leader announced that. and walked out. "Well. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them. What are you doing these days?" "I'm practicing law. Going by instinct. as he chooses." the judge replied. for your nerves?" "Of course I am. He can accompany it or not. laid it on the bench. She still thinks I'm a prostitute. he started shouting loudly. the local sheriff came out. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the attorneys. She crossed the deck and shook hands with her friend and said: "Hello. His arm is not himself. Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. I haven't seen you in years. and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. some of them said they weren't." . While sitting in a deck chair. An attorney was on vacation in a small farming town." A doctor and an attorney in separate vehicles collided on I-95 one foggy night. "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!" The attorneys looked at each other. unless their demands were met. but both were shaken up. With his attorneys assistance he detached his artificial limb. "Aren't you going to have one too. A few days later. but you know how them attorneys lie. While walking through the streets. a long-lost friend from her old hometown." "Well put. "after the Highway Patrol gets here." The defendant smiled." A bus load of attorneys were driving down a country road when all of a sudden the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field." replied the attorney. the attorney was eager to get to the injured. "Were they all dead?" The old farmer replied.
actually. I'm so sorry to hear that.‖ he says. find a magic lantern containing a genie. who grants them each one wish. "No" says the neighbor. She says. when the customer leaves." said the man. ―What did I tell you?‖ said the barber. the game is over!‖ It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final. "Honey. The first guys drops his backpack. ―That kid never learns!‖ Later. ―Because the day I take the dollar. digs out a pair of sneakers." she says. Wife says: "Nothing. The second guy wishes the same. we call him an accomplice. you know. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says. I had a handyman come in and fix them. we call him a defense attorney. and advises them to relax and have a good flight. I was supposed to come with my wife." All the passengers hear it. and says. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there." In the second room. So is the plumbing. "Betty Crocker?" Three guys. and a bit about the weather. shows him doors to three rooms." "Uh. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. What's the difference between an attorney and a herd of buffalo? The attorney charges more. "Oh. a friend or relative. "No. slowly: "Paint…my…house. "What are you doing? Sneakers won‘t help you outrun that bear. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. ―This is the dumbest kid in the world. "The seat is empty. Plumber?" A few days go by. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says. Watch while I prove it to you. stranded on a desert island. well." A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. then calls the boy over and asks." On a passenger flight. "What do I look like. She says. people are standing with shit up to their noses. The guy says "no. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like." the first guy says. The second guys says." The guy replies. in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking. Three years later. one of the passengers stops her and says "Don‘t forget the coffee!" A guy meets a hooker in a bar. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up.63 What's the definition of a tragedy? A busload of attorneys crashes off a cliff and one seat is empty. He sits down. as long as you can say it in three words. noticing that the seat next to him is empty. there‘s a knock on the door. "I just need to outrun you.. the expected arrival time. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch.." she says." "Oh. why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket. "Well. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by. "What do I look like. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested." A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. and frantically begins to put them on." Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. That's terrible. what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. the seat belongs to me. Satan opens the door to the . and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. but she passed away. Finally. Mr. Mr. he says to his co-pilot. In the first room. and the roof is fixed. The third guy says "I‘m lonely.. ―They're all at the funeral. son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?‖ The boy licked his cone and replied. "Hey. I‘ve got a special game for you. let me see the next room. or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. ―Hey. "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob. Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home." "This is incredible. he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. So is the car. could you fix it?" The husband says. the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. I think it needs a new battery.‖ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married. The snail says "What the hell was that all about?" A guy dies and is sent to Hell. and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice." "I don't need to outrun the bear. son?‖ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. He tells them at what altitude they‘ll be flying. there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says. A newlywed couple moves into their new house. and it's raining pretty hard. "Honey. Then. "Honey. people are standing in shit up to their necks. Satan meets him. "This is your lucky night. forgetting to turn off the microphone. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. ―Which do you want. The wife finds a leak in the roof. "What do I look like. He opens it and sees the same snail. I‘ll do absolutely anything you want for $300. and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar. the car won't start. Guy says no again. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future attorney? She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney. He asks his wife what happened. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him. But couldn't you find someone else. I wish my friends were back here. and he comes home from work and his wife says.
who is delivering a baby. "but I definitely don‘t want the fuckin‘ French toast. Sid doesn't hear from him for about a year." the doctor says. then open it." The genie looks concerned. He rubs it and a genie comes out. He says to the other guy. figures there is no afterlife. Everyone back on your heads!" A guy has a talking dog. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife." A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing genie.K. "I can‘t leave. That would be my wish. come on. and wake up the next day. "O. a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. "Here‘s a deal. Take a knife." The crowd agrees." he says. The mother is outraged at his language. smacks him. have a big lunch. hang on." she says. "I don‘t know. "I'm not in heaven. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers." the talent agent responds. having seen enough. Some things just can't be changed. Then I have sex. I think if you've got a Tshirt with a bloodstain all over it. Now we've got to piss in the boat. a hand goes up in the back of the bar. How could she do this to me?" "Well. After a minute. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside." TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains. Then one day he gets a call. was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" goes the dog. maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. "I'll give it a try." he says. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. then says "No. and sends him away. He brings it to a talent scout." I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. The gator opens wide. Take a nap. hits him. but I get up for lunch. Do you have another wish?" The guys says 'Well. " He turns and asks the dog: "Who. Sport." A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator.64 third room. Everyone buys him drinks. Gator closes mouth." he says meekly. I'm sorry. the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head." The guy ruins back to his friend. Sid and Irv are business partners. (Jerry Seinfeld) A guy tells his psychiatrist: ‗It was terrible. I see a woman with a tattoo." After a while. "All dogs go ‗roof‘. "He says you‘re gonna die. suck out the poison and spit it on the ground. The gator will close his mouth for one minute. If it works. coffee break's over. "This dog can speak English. "Okay. Have some more sex. "I‘ll go into town for a doctor. okay. She asks the middle child what he wants." Satan says okay and starts to leave." The genie pauses for another moment and then says "How would you define peace?" . ‗What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "You jerk. and I emailed my wife that I‘d be back a day early." the other says. "Peace in the Middle east. cut a little X where the bite is. lots of sex. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill." the guy says. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. Says to the patrons. wait. "what‘s on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies.. have a big breakfast. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. ‗But here‘s what to do. "So there is an afterlife! What's it like?" Sid asks. a pretty violent image there.. everyone buys me drinks. I sleep very late.. drinking coffee and eating danish pastries.for my whole life I've never receievd oral sex from my wife. It's a woman." "No. "I pick this room. and sends him upstairs. and he removes his genitals unscathed." he claims to the unimpressed agent. that's my wish. who is in agony. Go to sleep. I was away on business. (Richard Jeni) Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. and I'll remove my unit unscathed. It's Irv. She is livid." says Irv. "Oh. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town‘s only doctor.. I guess that leaves more fuckin‘ French toast for me. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle." Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The guy says." says the psychiatrist. my god." Two Irish guys are fishing." the guys says to the dog. He is losing his patience. More sex. The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer. As he's taking it off the hook." the guy says. I get up. Huge dinner. "Turn the lake into beer. that's just not possible. and I‘m thinking. I don‘t get it. promises to grant him one wish. He says. On the way out Satan yells. boots them out of his office onto the street. 'Well. And the talent scout. and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee." says Sid "So that's what heaven is like?" "Oh no. "Here‘s that $20 I owe you." he says. People are standing with shit up to their knees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle. The mother asks the oldest boy what he‘d like to eat. "So what do you think?" The other guy says.." he says. Then I go back sleep. in your opinion. And the dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?" Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. So Irv dies. "This one will amaze you. I'm a bear in Yellowstone Park. "I‘ll have some fuckin‘ French toast. here‘s a gal who‘s capable of making a decision she‘ll regret in the future. "No." "Oh. "Well. "Maybe she didn‘t see the email.
the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. take the $3 million to Las Vegas. which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. turned the page. I stood up. or why they‘re dead. Twenty one. Hit me. Saint Peter looks at Jesus. The booming voice goes: "unfucking-believable!" A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he‘s allowed to say two words every seven years."Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. One billion. "Saul. "Cold floors. "Die. Seven more years pass. the frog croaks and drops the ball." I tell him I want a second opinion. take a card. (A. St. Like the night before that last earthquake hit." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card." He replied: "You lose. He clears his throats and says. we had an enormous feast. "You‘ve done nothing but complain since you got here. They bring him in for his two words." After weeks of this. take another card. "Don't watch your money. heretic scum". (Jon Stewart) . "That‘s not surprising. President.Saul says. "Saul. "Reformed Baptist Church of God." he says.65 My grandfather always said. Seven more years pass." They nod and send him away. "Saul." He ignores it. "Saul. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. I made a bet I can get more than two words out of you. "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" "Christian. take another card. (David Brenner) I went to the psychiatrist.. I have twenty! Saul shouts. "Saul. someone stole my money. "I quit. They nod and send him away. He gets another ace." the voice commands. "Bad food. or Reformed Baptist Church of God. After the first seven years. having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. and then I killed them and took their land. He‘s dealt an 18. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. It was my grandfather. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. As the eagle flies over the green. exasperated." the elders say. reformation of 1915?" He said. but it‘s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses. (Steven Wright) Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough. (Ellen Degeneres) I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. It goes on for days. down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. famed for his silence. and pushed him off." He asks why." He obeys. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house. (Laura Kightlinger) At a White House party. and I saw a man standing on the edge." What? The dealer has -. and a guy comes over and asks "Are you reading that?" I didn‘t know what to say. there are still a thousand others exactly like you. (Bob Hope/Gene Perret) A guy shows up late for work. sell your business. Whitney Brown) I was on the subway. Voice says. The dealer has a six showing. Saul gets an ace. or how you met. there's so much to live for!" "Like what?" "Well. or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God. about to jump off. reformation of 1879. "Well. "Okay. onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter. I said. reformation of 1915!" I said. watch your health. He says. go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand. our family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?" I have a large seashell collection. sitting on a newspaper. "Saul . It‘s another ace." he says. and sat down again. grabs the frog." He hesitates but knows he must." "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant ? "Protestant. are you religious?" He said yes. He slices it. goes to a casino." Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. The voice says ‗Saul. Nineteen. It‘s in the hole. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice." I was walking across a bridge one day. (Emo Philips) China has a population of a billion people. An eagle swoops down. He breathes easy." "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" "Baptist" "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" "Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God. (Jackie Mason) I can‘t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name." So one day while I was watching my health. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna fuck around?" Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul. Bounces off a truck. sell your business for $3 million. go to Las Vegas. He has twenty. and said "Mr. It reaches the green. That means even if you‘re a one in a million kind of guy. So I said yes.. a woman approached Calvin Coolidge. sells his store. and he says "You're crazy. you're ugly too!" (Rodney Dangerfield) They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming. Jesus is up next. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot. he relents.
" he says. The guy asked me "what do you do at a red light?" I said.66 A lady at a party goes up to Winston Churchill and tells him. when somebody comes up." the lawyer says. "Yes. dying. "No hablo ingles. come up and say "Boy." the lawyer replies. "Sir. She pleads. listen to the radio… (Bill Braudis) I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out. "I charge $50 for three questions." (George Miller) I feel sorry for people who don‘t drink or do drugs. "Now what‘s your final question?" An old woman is upset at her husband‘s funeral." (Ronnie Shakes) I was so ugly when I was born." says the priest.. Now. He said. In the morning. I don‘t know… look around." So I put down my knife and fork. Klu. I shall be sober. switch the heads on two and four!" . you are drunk. "Hey.. "What was that?!" (Jack Handey) A guy asks a lawyer what his fee is. I‘m seventy eight years old. Anything you do to that chicken. and I kissed it. good as new. She pays you with a $100 bill. Because someday they‘re going to be in a hospital bed. Believe it or not. I‘m currently involved with a 28 year old girl. I was in a restaurant and ordered some chicken. the guy was locking the front door. Kluck and Klan. She could hardly walk after that. I said. driving through Customs.so now it's just a waiting game. They said "Can I help you?" and he said "No. "Do you have any firearms with you?" I said: "What do you need?" (Steven Wright) Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery.. the doctor slapped my mother. you know the ones I mean. "my name is Emil Cohen." And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach. and the guy asked. bring him back. (Rodney Dangerfield) A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. who is about to go into business. and you give it to her. "Your money or your life!" the thug repeats. "please God. "You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit" The mortician says "We‘ll take care of it. and I picked up that chicken. She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!" (Myron Cohen) A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. (Bill Dwyer) A father is explaining ethics to his son. "Madam. ma‘am" and yells back. "I think you‘ve come to the wrong place. I beg of you. when a stick-up man pulls out a gun and says "Your money or your life!" An extremely long silence follows. act like they just woke up and go. Why are you telling me?" And the guy goes: "I‘m telling everybody!" Jack Benny is walking down the street. isn‘t it?" the guy asks." My sister was with two men in one night." "My good man. (Henny Youngman) I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don‘t want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff. her 19 year old sister. (Brian Kiley) I know a guy who called up the Home Shopping Network. then. you are ugly. we‘re gonna do to you. When I got there. I'm just looking. on the side. we‘re givin‘ you fair warnin‘. "That‘s awfully steep. here‘s where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?" (Henny Youngman) I was coming back from Canada. and in my entire life I‘ve never felt better. "Father O‘Malley. "Ed. save my only grandson. (Dick Gregory) I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken. and they won‘t know why." He goes: "Not in a row!" (Steven Wright) Last time I was down South. and also." So I opened up the box. "Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up. But as she goes out the door you realize she‘s given you two $100 bills. and sure enough. Finally Benny says "I‘m thinking!" After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. (Redd Foxx) I failed my driver‘s test. We engage in all manner of pleasure. Can you imagine? Two dinners! (Sarah Silverman) My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -. the sign says you're open 24 hours." Churchill replies. and these three cousins.
lock their car doors. he thinks he's a chicken. (Steven Wright) When I went to college. It was wrong." The doctor says... (George Burns) A man is driving his five year old to a friend‘s house when another car races in front and cuts them off." The guy who shot Robert Kennedy. A genie came out and said. (Emo Philips) I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I'd like a beautiful woman to love me. and there it was.' The genie went Poof!'. And what is your third wish?'. (Larry Miller) I was born a suspect. goes up for parole every year.' The genie went Poof!'. I said. (Johnny Carson) I went to my doctor and told him "my penis is burning.. the boy's friends ask what happened. it was so cold. and I said I wouldn't tell. but that was no excuse for what I said. and I don‘t ever want to hear you saying it. "I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months.. Sirhan Sirhan. I'd like a huge orange head. far away. "I was angry at that driver. "I promised not to tell!" he says." (Rodney Dangerfield) A Catholic teenager goes to confession. If I look up into the windows of the apartments I pass I can see old ladies on the phone. He's getting old. the flashers in New York were only describing themselves. If this is tea. What a tough break. a gorgeous girl who immediately loved me. there are still slaves on their way here." As if someone is going to pay $200 a ticket to see a 57-year-old carpet salesman get hit in the face once and cry. Ten million dollars. If you can fake that." says the priest." Outside. all the money I could ever spend." (Garry Shandling) If this is coffee. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on. You know. "Your father just said a bad word. my brother's crazy. (Abraham Lincoln) Mario Andretti has retired from race car driving. (Jon Stewart) . I‘d fight him. "That means somebody is talking about it." "Was it Mary Elizabeth. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. pulls over. "Why don't you turn him in?" The guy says. "Douchebag!" the father yells. son. "Do you smell carrots?" A guy with a huge orange head goes in to see a doctor. "No. whatever you desire. They‘ve already dialed 9-1.I said. (Chris Rock) Two snowmen are standing in a meadow. the printer's daughter?" "No." he says." he says. but three good leads." Last night. I hate myself now. About a thirty-five hour flight.and are just waiting for me to do something wrong. and he shot him. I'll grant you three wishes. I can walk down any street in America and women will clutch their purses tighter. and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can't be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is. "No. One snowman turns to the other and says. and there she was. douchebag. But just because I said it. and I still won't tell!" 'Was it Mary Francis.and I think this is where I went wrong. he would speak in his favor and say let him go. my parents threw a going away party for me. "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said. the butcher's daughter?" the preist asks. the baker's daughter?" "No. hold onto their Mace. for that kind of money.. 'Well. The doctor says. What is your second wish?' I said. please bring me some coffee. I'd like all the money I could ever spend." Sincerity is everything. according to the letter. Then he said. "I got six months. please bring me some tea. (Paula Poundstone) I knew these Siamese twins. you‘ve got it made. They moved to England. "Well. you know? The one guy who would have supported him." He said. one day I was walking down the beach when I tripped over an old lantern. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion. Is that clear?" His son looks at him and says: "Too late. The boat ride's so long. "How did you get such a huge orange head?" The guy says. That's a good thing. (Chris Rock) I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time.. "Was it Mary Patricia. (Steven Wright) There‘s always one of my uncles who watches a boxing match with me and says "Sure.67 The only thing I know about Africa is that it's far.what is your first wish?' I said. "We would. But we need the eggs." says the boy. "Doc. Then the genie said.'" I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for member. "Well. someone I could enjoy this money with. Once he even told the parole board that if Kennedy was alive today. so the other one could drive. it doesn‘t make it right. and turns to face his son. (Groucho Marx) A man goes to a psychiatrist and says. nearly causing an accident.
it‘s the third comic‘s turn. "There must be some mistake. "Very well. I‘m only fifty five. it‘s usually hilarious. "Isn‘t 44 funny?" "Sure. They‘ve heard one another‘s material so much." (Bill Maher) Two ministers doing missionary work in the South Seas are captured by a tribe and tied to stakes. "Number 37!" cracks the first comic. which I also keep handy. so I suppose it must be death. and you‘re the funniest guy I‘ve ever seen. (W.68 A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven." He says "well. But first. you‘re eighty two. The guy is outraged. (Steven Wright) Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson. One of my friends told me she was in labor for thirty six hours. UGGA BUGGA! Three comedians are shooting the breeze at the back of a nightclub after a late gig. He takes it to the synagogue on Rosh Hashonah and makes a wager that the bird can conduct the High Holiday service better than the temple‘s cantor." and shouts "DEATH. (Richard Lewis) Animals may be our friends. and they howl." the lawyer argues." The comedian looks at her and says." The chief says. "Now you have a choice. or am I crazy?" (Gilbert Gottfried) ." The other day I paid my check – the waiter said. my religion does not allow me to choose ugga bugga. Crickets. The chief then asks the second minister." (Rita Rudner) A comedian is sitting at the bar of a comedy club late one night when a beautiuful woman comes up to him and says "I saw you perform tonight. "But the way you tell it…" I want to have children. (David Letterman) I worked some gigs in the Deep South…Alabama…You talk about Darwin‘s waiting room. Answers St. He gets nothing." That‘s now escalated into "You care care of yourself. "No. I don‘t even want to do anything that feels good for thirty-six hours. I used to pay my check.C. Because suicide is our way of saying to God. Peter: "We added up your time sheets. death or ugga bugga. according to out calculations. (George Wallace) I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake. and in the middle of dinner he turned to me and said "Is it hot in here. I guess ugga bugga. When the big moment comes. "44!" he quips. "You can‘t fire me. and the others break up." A guy has a parrot that can sing and speak beautifully. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me." "How‘s you get that?" the lawyer asks. I quit." (Henny Youngman) My grandfather is hard of hearing." "Fifty five?" says Saint Peter. now. On my metaphysics final." The chief shouts "UGGA BUGGA!" and 30 members of the tribe attack and sodomize the first missionary. (Woody Allen) If I ever have twins. "I‘m too young to die. (Bobcat Goldthwait) I was thrown out of NYU." they answer. I'd use one for parts. There are guys in Alabama who are their own father. (Rita Rudner) New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move. The chief says to them. I don‘t mind him reading lips. But they won‘t pick you up at the airport. "Are you comfortable?" The guy says: "I make a good living. they'd say "Thank you. (Dennis Miller) Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring." The first guy says." That graduated into "Have a nice day. but my friends scare me. though. "What?" he asks. ""Number 53!" says the second guy. Finally. I think he‘s great. but he uses one of those yellow highlighters. (Brian Kiley) We had a depression fair in the back yard. Kevorkian is onto something. "Don‘t put off that mammogram. "Did you see the first show or the second show?" A car hits a Jewish man. He takes the bird home and is about to kill it when the bird finally speaks: "Schmuck! Think of the odds we‘ll get on Yom Kippur!" At the airport they asked me if anybody I didn‘t know gave me anything. The paramedic rushes over and says. "You have a choice – death. "Well. A major game there was Pin the Blame on the Donkey. the parrot is silent. or ugga bugga. they‘ve reached the point where they don‘t need to say the jokes anymore to amuse each other – they just need to refer to each joke by a number. Even the people I know don‘t give me anything. I want to take you home and give you the hottest night of sex you‘re ever had. He needs to read lips. they caught me cheating. Fields) I believe Dr.
The second man said 'You don't have time to change shoes. "I'm in the secret service. (Jack Handey) Two old actors are sitting on a bench. baseball is concerned with ups." A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married? . "I'm already in the Army of the Lord. The Pastor said to him. Football is concerned with downs." (Woody Allen) Contrary to what most people would say. I only have to outrun you! "What shall we play today?" said Florence to her best friend Jenny.and when he shows up. the food here is just terrible." Pastor questioned. and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. One says: "How long has it been since you had a job?" The other actor says "Thirty two years -. Both men started to run when one of them stopped to change into tennis shoes.69 Last year. The man smelled like a guy eating cheese while getting a permanent inside the septic tank of a slaughterhouse. the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" Paul's friend replied." (Dick Gregory) L. "And such small portions." Two friends were walking through the woods when they thought they heard something.A. "OK!" said Florence. Pastor. they tell him there'll be a ten-minute wait. One complains." The other shakes her head and adds. in baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody. "One of these days we've got to get out of this business!" I had a cab driver in Paris. 'I know I can't outrun the bear. I deducted 10.how about you?" The first actor says." said Jenny. (Dennis Miller) In football you wear a helmet. "But I'm going to be absent. there's a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson -. (George Carlin) Take my wife…please (Henny Youngman) Jokes for your friends Paul and his best friend were coming out of church one day. "You know. in baseball you make an error. He grabbed his friend by the hand and pulled him aside. I haven't had a job in forty years!" The other says. In football the specialist comes in to kick. You can't outrun that bear!' The first man said. "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back.697 cartons of cigarettes as a business expense. in baseball you wear a cap. (Bill Maher) Two old ladies are in a restaurant. It‘s a shark riding on an elephant‘s back. They turned around and saw a big black bear coming towards them. "Don‘t ever let us catch you without a cigarette in your hand. In football you receive a penalty. just trampling and eating everything they see. The tax man said. is so celebrity-conscious. "That's nothing. "Let's play schools.
. when he spots his friend Shankar standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. After roaming all day long under the hot sun. but I have no idea what to make of your information." The man below says "You must be a manager. "you don't know where you are.. "I am" replies the man." "I am" replies the balloonist.." "How?" asks Pritam. Pritam gets out of the car." "You must be an engineer" says the balloonist." "Yes. "Excuse me. they set up their tent and fell asleep.. She was just the right everything . once. doing nothing. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me. "Well. why didn't you marry her. puzzled. "She was looking for the perfect man. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. I guess I just never met the right woman ." Pritam is driving down the Delhi-Amritsar highway." The man below says: "Yes. and you expect me to solve your problem. hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. "Surely you have met at least on girl that you wanted to marry." said the friend. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me. "Jack. there was one girl ." "Well" says the balloonist. You are in a hot air balloon. but I don't know where I am." "Oh. latitude. what are you doing?" Shankar replies. A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. "everything you have told me is technically correct. I guess she was the one perfect girl. The only perfect girl I really ever met. look up at the sky and tell me what you see. He reduces height and spots a man down below. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met. and between 58 and 60 degrees W. "How did you know. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep. can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago. "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize. looking at nothing.70 Replied the gentleman." Two adventurers John and Jack were hunting for gold in the desert. I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl." . John woke up his friend. and the fact is I am still lost. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that Shankar is just standing there. come on now. walks all the way out to Shankar and asks him." he said." asked the friend. longitude. "Well I heard they give the Noble Prize to people who are out standing in their field. says the man. but now it is somehow my fault. "but how did you know?" "Well". Some hours later. or where you are going." "Well.
Meteorologically. What does it tell you?" After a moment of silence. John spoke. "Why do you say so?" he said. Time wise. Jenny and Jinny were thinking what to play during the afternoon. "I can see millions of stars. "Because it has still not occurred to you that someone has stolen our tent. They were inseparable friends and spent their evenings drinking together. surprised.you are an idiot.one on behalf of Timothy." Tom and Timothy were in the same regiment in the army. Two friends. She turned to Jinny and said excitedly. "Astronomically speaking. So I have put away my glass and drink only on behalf of my friend. it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. "But I'm going to be absent. First is that.." Jack looked at John. they could not decide upon any game. So I take a sip from each . this one is mine. "Let's play schools". He was asked what had happened. I have given up drinking but Timothy has written that he has not. it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Suddenly. they went to different states and settled.' Suddenly one evening Tom was seen with only one glass on his table. Jack thought for a minute and said. they kept correspondence through letters and e-mails. "It tells two things to me. To keep the memory of their boozing bouts alive. it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. He replied.. Tom always filled two glasses with rum and water and sipped from each alternately! When somebody asked him why he did so. 'You see. For a long time. "OK!" said Jinny. Jenny had an idea. the other for myself. money. it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. he explained: 'This glass is Timothy's. it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically. However. Astrologically. After retirement." "What does that tell you?" asked John.' Money. money It can buy a House But not a Home It can buy a Bed But not Sleep It can buy a Clock But not Time It can buy you a Book But not Knowledge It can buy you a Position But not Respect It can buy you Medicine .71 Jack looked up and replied." replied John.
the minister hurriedly agreed and left. In his haste to get the bottle. A more true Friend you will never find:-) Espirit de spirit The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then. when the minister went to visit his friend. "you see. this ball is fluorescent." Well. I'll be able to retrieve it. Joe. his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face. You see. And it often causes pain and suffering. I'll be able to see it in the dark. Let's say our game goes late. So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. I have an announcement. The other guy replied that no. One year. this special golf ball has a homing beacon. What are you going to do then?" "No problem. I tell you all this because I am your Friend. "That's okay too. hoping for his usual Christmas present. "Before we begin. "What happens if you lose that ball?" The other guy replied. the sun goes down." . and as your Friend I want totake away your pain and suffering. So send me all your money and I will suffer for you. I would very much like to thank my friend. "Okay... The minister climbed into the pulpit and said.no problem. but his passion was for peach brandy. That morning. for his kind gift of peaches . waiting to see the minister's embarrassment. he asked. the friend persisted. "what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?" "That's okay. I won't lose it so I don't need another one." the friend asked. and you hit your ball into a sand trap. "this special golf ball floats. and for the spirit in which they were given!" Forward these jokes to your friend now! Click here! Golf ball Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off. "Don't you have at least one other golf ball?". "This is a very special golf ball. Money isn't everything. when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.72 But not Health It can buy you Blood But not Life So you see." Exasperated.. "Are you sure?"." he replied. I'll be able to get it back -. he was not disappointed.. the friend asks. but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday." "Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?" The other guy replied." says the other guy. he only needed the one. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas.
step by step 1. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order. and the world at large. Read over the assignment carefully. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Sit in a straight. sit in a straight. 7. 8. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. comfortable chair in a clean. 11. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future. savor its special flavor.I mean it! As soon as it's over you are going to start that paper. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either. drop him. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror. 9. roll the words across your tongue. 2. You know. 14. If your friend shows you his paper. The Pastor said to him. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate. 18. double-spaced. "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" My friend replied. Pastor. the course. trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall. "I'm already in the Army of the Lord. comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. and bound in one of those irritating see-through plastic folders. "I found it. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it. Ask who everyone is. "Hey. is truly worthwhile. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV. . Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26. "I'm in the secret service." Pastor questioned. Listen to the other side. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours. comfortable chair in a clean. 10. "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back. 4. where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?" The other guy replies. Discuss the finer points of the plot. 6. anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt." Lord's Army A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day. the friend asks. the university. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate. Stop off at another floor. typed. and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. 12. 13. 5. 21. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that's it-. to make certain you understand it. 15. 20. 3. well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 17. Preston of the Yukon. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he's started writing yet. Sit in a straight.73 Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball. When you get back to your room. you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils." Do your homework . Read over the assignment again. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. on the way back and visit with your friend from class. 16. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious. you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. 19.
25. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise. comfortable chair in a clean. 27. Type the paper. Leap up and write the paper. Lie face down on the floor and scream at the top of your lungs. Read over the assignment one more time. just for the heck of it. Sit in a straight.74 22. . 28. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write the paper. 23. 24. 26. well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
This action might not be possible to undo. Are you sure you want to continue?
We've moved you to where you read on your other device.
Get the full title to continue reading from where you left off, or restart the preview.