FRIENDSHIP JOKES ☻Everyone hears what you say... Friends listen to what you say... Best friends listen to what you don't say... ☻Friends are like stars. You can't always see them, But you know they are always there for you... ☻Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart. ☻As long as we have memories, yesterday remains; as long as we have hope, tomorrow awaits. As long as we have Friendship, each day is never a waste. ☻Good frenz are like quilts... it never loses its warmth... ☻GOD is so wise that he never created FRIENDS with price tags, Because..... if He did, I can't afford a precious FRIEND like YOU!!! ☻thE tEst oF fRiEndsHip dOseN't cOmeS wHen u R 2GethEr. It cOmEs wHeN u ParT waYs & u ReaLizE tHat dEsPitE tHe dIsTanCe, thE fRiEndshIp iS sTilL tHeRe... ☻True friends are like Diamonds... they are real and rare. False friends are like leaves... they are scattered everywhere. ☻FRIENDSHIP isn't how U forGet but how U forGive, Not how U liSten but how U UnderStand, Not what U see but how U feel, and not how U Let Go but how U hold oN!!! ☻FriEndSHiP iS A PRiCeLeSs GiFt tHaT cAn'T Be BoUgHt Or SoLd, BuT To Have An UnDeRsTaNdiNg FriEnd iS FaR MoRe WoRtH tHaN GoLd~! ☻If you need advice, text me... If you need a friend, call me... If you need me, come to me... If you need money... ........... THE SUBSCRIBER CANNOT BE REACHED! ☻FRIENDSHIP is like a tree... It is not MEASURED on how TALL it could be, but is on how DEEP the ROOTS HAVE GROWN... ☻In this WORLD, where everything seems UNCERTAIN, only one thing is DEFINITE. You'll always be my FRIEND, beyond WORDS, beyond TIME & beyond DISTANCE! ☻I believe in angels, the kind that heaven sends. I'm surrounded by angels but I call them my best friends. ☻Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was choice, but falling in love with you was completely out of my control. ☻A memory lasts forever, and never does it die. True friends stay together and never say good bye. ☻The ship that will never sink is my friendship with you. ☻I met U as a stranger, I leave U as a friend, as long as the world stands, our friendship nv ends. All friends nv split N even if they do they will meet again. ☻I always thought loving some1 was the greatest feeling, but I realised tat loving a friend is even better, we lose ppl we love but we never lose true friends.

☻EveRyDay I seE LoTs oF StRangErS PasSiNg By mE, ThiS mAkeS mE reAlisED tHat, LifE woUlD be BORING, WiThoUt A FriEnD LiKE U... ☻We gain and lose things every day. But trust me on one thing: YOU WILL NEVER LOSE ME! I will always be there as a friend! ☻A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart. ☻The times we shared is like shooting star... the time is short but really beautiful moments.... Forever engraved in our hearts.... Friends forever~!!! ☻We've known each other by CHANCE, became friends by CHOICE, still friends by DECISION. And when we say FRIEND FOREVER, that's definitely a lifetime PROMISE! ☻If friends were flowers I would not pick you! I'll let you grow in the garden & cultivate you with love and care so I can keep you as a friend 4ever!! ☻A ring is round and has no end.... and that's how long I'll be your friend. ☻There is a gift that gold cannot buy, a blessing dats rare & true, dats the gift of a wonderful friend like the friend dat i have in u! ☻Wat u see as truth wat u see as lies remember that true friendship never dies although we may change & drift apart, ill always value u deep within my heart! ☻A friend is never a coincidence in your life, they are meant to enter your life to bring you joy and laughter. So, i will treasure the friendship between us. ☻If you are in trouble, If you need a hand, Just call my number, because I'm your friend! ☻Whenever I see your smiling face, I have to smile myself, because I like you, you're my friend!!! ☻Nostalgia is not what it used to be. ☻Those who think that things happen too fast are expected in a bank or a post office! ☻Make your life a house your heart can live in. With a door that is open to receive friends. And a garden full of memories.... of many good things. ☻You cannot buy friendship, you can earn it. If someone comes for help, be a true friend ! ☻A friend is always welcome ... Early in the morning or late at night. Time is of no importance ... When it concerns real friendship!! ☻Friendship is a wonderful word, it might be the most beautiful one on earth. Friendship is something powerful, a gift of great value! ☻No gold or precious stones ... give us happiness and peace, friendship and its warmth ... will bring it to us

☻There is a big difference between friendship and a rose... Roses last only a while ... but friendship is for ever ☻I asked God 4 a flower, he gave me a garden. Asked 4 a tree, he gave me a forest. Asked 4 a river, he gave me an ocean. Asked 4 a friend, he gave me you ☻Friends are like stars... you don't see them all the time, but you know they're there! ☻Life is not easy and it will never be, but you've got friends and one of them is me ... ☻I must have been born under a lucky star , to find a friend as nice as you are. I will follow the rainbow to the end , if you promise to remain my friend !!! ☻When friendship is deeply rooted, it is a plant that cannot even be uprooted by a storm.... ☻My "aim" in life is: die young when I am very old. ☻When you are lazy, you cannot help it. When you are tired, that is your own fault. ☻A friend is someone who knows when you need her... ☻A ring is round and has no end, so is my love for you my friend. ☻If my head looks like yours, I'd shave my rear end and walked on my hands. ☻Mirrors should be able to think before reflecting the images. ☻A friend is someone who knows the song of your heart and who can sing it for you when you have forgotten it ☻Friend: someone who tells you things while you are alive, things that others tell after you die ☻You can eat and drink together, talk and laugh together, enjoy life together, but you are only real friends when you also cried together. ☻Wherever you go, whatever you do, may god's angels watch over you. ☻Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver the other gold. ☻A little clown is living in my heart. Small and very special. It can dance and jump, laugh and sing. Are you in pain and you need to cry, come and borrow it! ☻I would not call myself important, but I am convinced that when I was not born, everyone would like to know why. ☻The only good thing about your own mistakes, is that is might make other people happy. ☻Not the lack of love, but the lack of friendship makes marriages unhappy. ☻A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart. ☻The times we shared is like shooting star... the time is short but really beautiful moments.... Forever engraved in our hearts.... Friends forever~!!! ☻KeEping a FRIEND is As Difficult AS losing one. U sacrifice A lot To keep them. I may not have sacrificed enuf 4 u... but in

☻A new meeting next month ? Sorry. years may fly. . ☻One day u will ask me: What is more important to you. ☻The only good thing about your own mistakes.4 my HEART I swear I'm keeping U. When i'm beside u i'm there for u. when i'm behind u. that's definitely a lifetime PROMISE! ☻If friends were flowers I would not pick you! I'll let you grow in the garden & cultivate you with love and care so I can keep you as a friend 4ever!! ☻When i'm walking in front of u.I'm protecting u. a friend is honest. So. I'm watching over u. The only type he knew was his blood type. everyone would like to know why.. ☻Not the lack of love.. is that is might make other people happy.. still friends by DECISION. I have to go to a funeral. When i'm alone. but my friendship with u will never die. became friends by CHOICE. A friend is precious a friend is u.but it is sweeter when its TRUE! But u know what? Its sweetest when its you. tears may dry. ☻There is a gift that gold cannot buy. ☻A friend is sweet when its new….. But they switched my in the hospital. You get lazy. ill always value u deep within my heart! ☻A friend is never a coincidence in your life. And when we say FRIEND FOREVER. they are meant to enter your life to bring you joy and laughter. a friend is a place when you have nowhere to go. Feel better when somebody Loves u. I would not call myself important. a blessing dats rare & true. but the lack of friendship makes marriages unhappy. ☻We've known each other by CHANCE. that is not possible. dats the gift of a wonderful friend like the friend dat i have in u! ☻Wat u see as truth wat u see as lies remember that true friendship never dies although we may change & drift apart. but I am convinced that when I was not born.I'm thinking of u. ☻A ring is round and has no end. i will treasure the friendship between us. a friend is true. I wanted to know the people I work for. ☻I visited the tax office. violets need dew. ☻A friend gives hope when life is low. all angels in heaven know I need u. you might start loving life. But feel best when somebody never forgets u. ☻I was a beautiful baby. ☻Flowers need sunshine. and that's how long I'll be your friend. ☻He was very lonely. me or your life? I will say: my life… You will walk away from me without knowing that U R MY LIFE!!! ☻Feel good when somebody Miss u. When you do not pay attention. ☻Happiness is a disaster.

Before she leaves. 2 stop rembering u. If hugs were leaves. Sorry. FUNNY JOKES ☻Costly Perfume An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when a young. live on ur cheeks & die on ur lips!!!!! ☻If u r a chocolate ur the sweetest. I‘d be ur tears!!!… So. Please report to your nearest hospital to be put down. ☻A memory lasts forever. an hour 2 appreciate them. but there is always a rough draft before the final copy. ☻A ring is round and has no end. remember me as a friend who is always there for you and never let you down ☻Yes. ☻In my life I learned how… 2 love 2 smile 2 be happy 2 be strong 2 work hard 2 be honest 2 be faithful 2 forgive but I couldn‘t learn how. "Chanel No. ☻If I were to be anything in this world…. ☻The NHS regrets to inform you that your birth was an accident. ☻People live People die People Laugh People Cry Some give up Some will try Some say hi Some say bye Others may forget YOU but never will I. $200 an ounce!" About three floors later. beautiful woman gets into the elevator. ☻Always draw a circle around the ones you love. and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying. smelling of expensive perfume." .. and since u r my ―FRIEND‖ u r the ―BEST‖!!!!!!!!! ☻A special friend is rare indeed. Go to sleep and when you wake up.I am lucky to have spent less than half my life finding you & wish to spend the rest keeping you. $150 an ounce!" Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator. I will give u a tree. u got the intelligence and u sure got the body. and never does it die. God made you first. True friends stay together and never say good bye. u got sex-appeal. ☻U got style. born in ur eyes. yes.If u luv a planet. so lucky I m for having you. "Romance" by Ralph Lauren. but then an entire life 2 forget them. if friendship is life I will give u mine.5 ☻If kisses were water. We apologize for any inconvenience. never draw a heart because hearts can be broken. I can be conceived in ur heart.49 cents a pound. "Broccoli . I will give u sea. ☻They say it takes a minute 2 fine a special person. 5. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly. I will give u a galaxy. Wait. your friendship is the greatest of them all. big and small. if u r a Teddy Bear u r the most huggable. If u are a Star u r the Brightest. perfect friends r very few. wrong number! ☻Of all the gifts. but circles are never ending. then bends over and farts and says. ☻When God opened the window of the Heaven He asked me: What is your wish for today? ―I said : please take special care of the person reading this!!!!!!!‖ ☻Time might lead me to nowhere and faith might break into pieces but I will always be THANKFUL that once in my life‘s journey we became FRIENDS! ☻It takes half our life to find true friends & half of it keeping them. it beems to be special breed. a day 2 love them. that's how long I'll be your friend!!! ☻The morning is just a few moments away. she looks both beautiful women in the eye. the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator.

you're wandering around. you're slow. When you're out of the office. you're being bull-headed. he's being firm. When you make a mistake. you're apple polishing. he's being original. When you overlooked a rule of etiquette. he's thorough. he's too busy. Rightnow. he's on business. When your boss doesn't do it. When your boss does the same thing. you must be going for an interview. you're always sick. When your boss does it. you can speak to me. When your boss is out of the office. can I speak to Annie Wan ? Operator : Yes.'' CHINESE JOKE Caller : Hello. Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this! Caller: You are so rude! Who are you? Operator: I'm Saw Lee. you're lazy. Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital. When your boss applies for leave. i'm afraid it's too heavey . When you take a stand. Now give me your name! lady: is this my train? station master: no madam. When your boss takes a long time. it belongs to the railway company/. you're overstepping your authority. Operator: I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about? Caller: Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother. he must be very ill.''I can clearly see you're nuts. it's because he's overworked. can i take this train to new delhi? station master: no madam.6 Difference between you and your boss When you take a long time. When you're on a day off sick. he's only human. Noe Wan was involved in an accident. ''What do you think is wrong with me?'' The doctor replied. When you please your boss. When you don't do it. Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. When your boss makes a mistake. When you apply for leave. When your boss pleases his boss. When your boss skips a few rules. When doing something without being told. you're an idiot. Caller: No. The guy askes the doctor. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. lady: don't try to be funny. When your boss is a day off sick. he's being co-operative. i mean to ask you. you're being rude.And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent. A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only Saran Wrap. that's initiative. I want to speak to Annie Wan! Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this? Caller: I'm Sum Wan .

the furious wife bought a return present . Shakspeare used 2 study in street light. are you sure you still have one? ☻Did you ever walk into a room and and forget why you walked in? that's how dogs spend their lives. "You know." ☻A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. My philosophy: No pain. Graham Bell used 2 study in candle light. ☻A woman walked into a fancy cocktail bar and asked the barman for a "double entendre" . Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin. Joe.7 A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary. phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs. ☻Did you hear about the idiot who walked around the world? He drowned. but the men enter the cockpit.so he gave her one! ☻Four fonts walk into a bar. "Is this some kind of joke?" ☻A sandwich walks into a bar. screams of panic fill the cabin. Up in the cockpit. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway. and we're all gonna die. One is using a seeing-eye dog." ☻Galileo used 2 study in smal lamp. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off. on which the inscription read: "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.also a tombstone. The husband gave his wife a gift . The barman says "Oi . But at that moment.a tombstone. None is forthcoming. The passengers begin glancing nervously. they're going to scream too late. and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport." ☻Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.get out! We don't want your type in here" ☻A priest. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here" ☻A dyslexic man walks into a bra ☻A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please. the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says. I dont understand what these people use to do during day time? ☻If you can't change your mind. searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. ☻I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week. ☻I only use de-oudourant under one arm. one of these days. the plane lifts smoothly into the air. so I know what I would have smelled of. Both are wearing dark glasses. No pain. with the inscription: "Here LIies My Wife . the door closes. ☻I'm not into working out.Cold As Ever. and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane." ☻Blind Pilot Passengers on a plane are waiting for the flight to leave. and one for the road. that it will plow into the water. The barman says. The entrance opens." Later. and the engines start. and two men walk up the aisle. . a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. dressed in pilot uniforms.

Now beam up my clothes.. is dog. 1 was caught watching tv. seconds dog! . Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. good dog. ☻ I wonder if you choke a smurf. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this ☻Crime doesn't pay. ☻ My Reality Check bounced.. wanna move my tongue all over you. but your brain would explode. . way dog. ☻Don't spend £2 to dry-clean a shirt. an dog. Tomorrow isn't looking good either. 20 dog. idiot dog. lick you.. what color does it turn? ☻ Just because you're paranoid. ☻I want to suck you.. put it on a hanger. you've got the harbor ..eat an ice cream! ☻ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction. ☻I can please only one person per day. ☻ You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.. a dog.wanna feel you in my mouth. it sank. what say we tie up for the night? ☻If I could rearrange the alphabet. tat's how u. ☻ Lightyears ahead! Just a phonecall away! ☻Very funny Scotty. it doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you.. ☻ Do not meddle in the affairs of cats. but when they lit a fire in the craft. keep dog. ☻ What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool. Bush orders 15. They work best when open.. for dog. Now read without the word dog. ☻ It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts. Next morn buy it back for 50p.." ☻CNN News. ☻Do you ever notice that when you're driving. I'd put U and I together.. Today is not your day. busy dog...Does that mean my job is a crime? ☻This dog. ☻ Why'd the couple stop after 3 children? Cos they heard every fourth child born is chinese.. ☻Why were males created before females? Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy. ☻ Minds are like Parachutes. to dog. ☻ I'd explain it to you. God made women and then no one rested ☻The longest sentence known to man: "I do..000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama...8 ☻Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message ☻God made man and then rested.yep. proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.. They'll clean it.. anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac? ☻ I've got the ship.. for they are subtle and will whiz on your computer. ☻News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo.

and suffering ☻How Dogs and Women are alike. Neither can balance a checkbook. ☻Marriage is a three ring circus: an engagement ring.E.? . ☻Why don't men often show their true feelings? .. a wedding ring. ☻A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. One says to the other.. ☻Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back ☻As a computer.. ☻What's the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing plant ☻Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? ☻A: Run like hell. ☻If you jogged backward . what? ☻WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind! ☻What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet? The 1977 World Hide and Seek Champion.Trustworthy. ☻What do you call a handcuffed man? . aim for their bodyguards. phoned home.... Neither believe that silence is golden. 1 ☻What's the difference between a man and E.T.T.9 ☻Do chickens think rubber humans are funny? ☻There cannot be a crisis today. "Do you know how to drive this thing?" ☻What is the difference between a woman and a magnet? Magnets have a positive side! ☻The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action. ☻Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.. would you gain weight? ☻Did you hear about the new Chinese Cookbook being sold only at pet stores? "101 Ways to Wok Your Dog" ☻Aim for the stars.. I find your faith in technology amusing ☻Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. ☻Q: What does a blonde owl say? A: What. But first. my schedule is already full. . ☻Two goldfish are in a tank. ☻What is the thinnest book in the world? What Men Know About Women.she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.Because they don't have any.. Both put too much value on kissing.

10 ☻Why was Phillip's girlfriend annoyed? Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV. ☻ A chicken sandwidch walked into the bar. ☻ Why do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf. . ☻Jesus saves. ☻Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll? A: We don't know. The bartender says: "Sorry. ☻Whats the definitoin of suspicion? A nun doing pressups in a cucumber field. A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries. he shoots. But I don't think I could eat a whole one. ☻Whits pink. wrinkled and hangs oot yer trousers??? Yer Gran! ☻What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Honey. ☻How do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot of his head. To slam the car boot shut. the other screwed Majors ☻Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? A: Her IQ goes up. ☻I'm late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn't come back for a day and a half. ☻How many men do you need for a mafia funeral? Only one. Never happens. ☻I like Kids. ordered some food and beer. we don't serve food here". ☻What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle. HE SCORES!! ☻Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high. one hardly used. ☻For sale : Twin beds. I'm home! ☻What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A bitch who knows everything. ☻Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with a whore? A: An f****ing know it all. ☻Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh! ☻What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? You don't. ☻Why doesn't Jesus eat M and M's? Cos they fall through his hands. ☻Q: Why was the leper caught speeding? A: He couldn't take his foot of the accelerator. you've told her twice already! ☻What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie? One screwd the miners.

FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this ☻Crime doesn't pay. it's too little to be out on it's own!!!! ☻Sex is like programing. ☻News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo......ERROR: Your penis was not found! Sorry.." ☻CNN News... seconds dog! .. and I love myself too.... ☻Jesus loves you...... ☻Never let a man's mind wander. tat's how u.. because fish fuck in it! ☻Hi! Please stand by while this program enlarges your penis...... Bush orders 15.. ☻Why were males created before females? Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy..yep. ☻My girl and me.. then can we just practice? ☻I took an IQ test and the results were negative. we are so perfect..... everyone else thinks your an asshole… ☻If you wanna be a hipi. idiot dog...11 ☻Never let a man's mind wander...... lick you.. 1 was caught watching tv... do you want to have my children? No.. ☻Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt.. it's too little to be out on it's own!!!! ☻It is good for girl to meet boy in park... ☻Do you ever notice that when you're driving.. good dog. and YOU WILL HAVE TO SUPPORT IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE… ☻Their are moments in life when you really miss someone.. but better for boy to park meat in girl.. an dog.. ☻I want to suck you. she loves me.Okay.. You always spill it when you change gears. for dog. put it on a hanger.....000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. a dog.. put you flower in your pipi… ☻Don`t drink water.wanna feel you in my mouth. wanna move my tongue all over you. .. ☻I think drinking and driving is terrible. And you wish you could just pluck them from your dreams.. One mistake. is dog. Next morn buy it back for 50p... way dog. 20 dog.. Now read without the word dog..?? .... Donate it to the Salvation Army instead... God made women and then no one rested ☻The longest sentence known to man: "I do.eat an ice cream! ☻ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.. to dog. They'll clean it... keep dog.. ☻Hi.Does that mean my job is a crime? ☻This dog. another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message ☻God made man and then rested.. busy dog. anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac? ☻Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? A:About 45 pounds!! ☻Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO? A: There have been sightings of UFOs.

The rate is determined by the length of your genitalia. a man who adores you.. Knock.Wine can kiss a frosted glass. He slides up to the bar and says: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw. talking about it or thinking about it? ☻You with your beautiful eyes.12 ☻There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. the less you pay..Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing." ☻Boss: (to employee) . ☻What did the elephant say to the naked man? How do you breathe through that thing? ☻What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive? Popeye beat the crap outta him. ☻I've used up all my sick days. ☻You should know what it takes to look this cheap! ☻You used to be so ugly that your mother had to tie a steak around your neck.The grass & flowers 2."Come on over. It's also imprtant that these 3 men should never meet! ☻A man can kiss his wife goodbye. o. i'm playin cards n i'm missin the joker!! ☻Hey friend remember dat without stupidity there can be no wisdom & without ugliness there can be no beauty… so the world needs YOU after all! ☻Jesus says to John come forth ill give you eternal life.But u my friend can kiss my ass! ☻i tried to call you from a payphone last night.5 million people r drinking coffee. so I'm calling in dead.." I went over. A flower can kiss a butterfly. the shorter they are. Knock. wrong number ☻You‘d better not be a dayfly and not having your day. John came fifth he won a toaster ☻A girl phoned me the other day and said. ☻Your provider adjusted his rates. Nobody was home ☻At dis moment in time 10 million people r having sex. let it finish. you with your nice hair. you with your fantastic body . ☻A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. otherwise even the dog would not play with you ☻You will have to cut back on your sex live. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.. it cost me an arm and a leg! ☻Hey can u do me a favour. there's nobody home. i put my doner card in by mistake.a man who is great in the sack. What part will you leave out. ☻What's the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle? If Rotty starts humping your leg. Employee: Who's there? Boss: Not you anymore. sorry.100 million people r sleeping & 1 stupid fool is reading my text!pass on ☻The rain makes all things beautiful. If rain makes all things beautiful why doesn‘t it rain on you? . You can telephone for free from now on! ☻It's important to find a man who has money. take a pic of urself n send me it.

. idiot cat. And after sex? boy.13 ☻i want u 2 know dat our friendship means alot 2 me." ☻This sms can only be read by someone SEXY:. for cat.. I thin I have forgotten this before.. but that is enough about me. keep cat. "I do not understand...suck my dick and do it quick. ☻This is your boss: "You are allowed to read the newspaper during the working hours and do certainly not miss the job adds.hey don't force it ugly!!! ☻Those beautiful eyes.. ☻Are these your eyes. I don't date outside my species.. a cat. and do it fast.. way cat. I look down & den. a cat. ☻Always remember you're unique. that incredible body. Laziness pays off NOW! ☻First the engagement ring. While receiving this message a virus will be activated. It is proven statistically that at that age only few people die. 60% is having sex. a bull in bed. This virus should have infected your mobile by now..try again..maybe you are just not sexy?. 19% is watching television and one yokel is now holding his mobile in his hand ☻A woman likes to have four animals in the house: a jaguar in front of the doorway. have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise! ☻Kiss my ass. I found them between my brests! ☻At this moment i have a déjà vu and a loss of memory at the same time. use both sides. ☻Bad sex is better then a good day in school. a fox in the closet.. seconds cat! Now read it all without the word cat! ☻This is the telephone terrorist team. then the wedding ring.Taxed to Death.. is cat. and a numbskulll to pay for this all. tell me how you are? ☻We cannot grant you a life insurance policy because you are already 102 years old. ☻Conserve toilet paper..again. unless you are ugly. i lauf again ☻20% of the population is now drinking coffee.. then the suffering. nice smile .U lauf i lauf.U cry i cry. Born Free. . what vagina looks like? Before sex: a pink rose with soft lovely pelats and perfum aroma. 20 cat. ☻I get enough exercise just pushing my luck! ☻Sorry. to cat.. Your mobile will be disabled. good cat.one more time.. . ☻Hard work has a future payoff.U jump out of da window. busy cat. ☻Dad.. a sexy mouth.. just like everyone else. ☻This cat. ." . such a brain.

Your parents paid the medical expenses for your birth with their accident insurance.. What I want.Searching....wrong number ☻You have the ones that think and you have the ones that do things.. ☻You are never too blond to learn !!! ☻You got STYLE.00 for a $.I kill people for money. You got SEX-APPEAL. God created you too......2.1. the eggs..... I just wanted to leave your pocket. ☻Hello.N ..14 ☻We will now upgrade your brain.. ☻E man pays $. nature.....Still searching. There is no particular problem. I am blond!!! B . is not allowed! ☻When I was a dog.WAIT!!!!!.. man and saw that it was good and beautiful.L . he does not want ..... even God makes mistakes! ☻God created the universe. I do not want . this is GOD. You got the BRAINS...00 item that he needs.. ☻How would you like your egg for breakfast... ....2.I'll kill you for nothing! ☻I am not stupid....T ☻I am not your type . God also created woman and thought : ‗I hope she will make herself up‘! ☻HALLO... want the smell is unbearable!!! ☻Hello I am a virus and I am entering your brain right now.... I make few bad creations but you are the worst monster I ever realised. no brain found !!! ☻What he want. a woman pays $.. this is your mobile.Please wait. What we want...00 for $... I can't find a brain. ☻For you I would go as far as the end of the world.But because you are my friend.SORRY. ☻Excessive use of alcohol can lead to a pregnancy. and you were a flower.. sorry I will leave.... I am not inflatable.. My apologies on behalf of the whole world. the earth. Do you promise to stay here ?" ☻God created the earth....1. hard-boiled or impregnated? ☻I am a killer.Searching.O .Sorry.00 item that she does not need..... and you sure as hell got the BODY. God created the woods.... The worst kind are those who think that they are doing things. I walked over you and gave you a shower!! ☻You are an unwanted child.. but yes...

. dial my number! ☻My feelings for you are like the sea.... Hey...... MOI!! ☻Love me or leave me. incredibly handsome. my parents-in-law were not able to have kids. If your father.. ☻Nice perfume. 3 for normal. keep them. " Wild and romantic ? " "No. really perfect and when the glass is empty i just take the next one! ☻I once sniffed Coke.an animal in bed and it knows one French word .. I wonder where she is at this moment.... perfect taste... horny.... ☻I like to compare you with a nice cold glass of beer...I SAID IN CASE OF FIRE YOU FUCKING IDIOT!! ☻It is charming. you would be in pain all day long.. 5 for SM and for everything . beautiful colour. In twenty years you can prove that you have not changed a bit. SARDAR JOKES ☻Top 10 sardar inventions☻ 1) The water-proof towel 2) Solar powered torch 3) Submarine revolving door 4) A book on how to read 5) Inflatable dart board 6) A dictionary index 7) Ejector seat in a helicopter 8) Powdered water 9) Pedal-powered wheel chair 10) Water-proof tea bag . ☻Ik would like to be a volcano. extremely good.where is everybody going ☻Mobile sex: push 1 for oral. ☻If you really ressemble the picture on your ID.. 2 for anal. it must be you. 4 for a trio. ☻If being ugly would hurt.... but do you really need to marinate in it? ☻One out of four people is a chinese..15 ☻I know why I am single.... look he is working! ☻In case of fire read this message..... your mother and your brother are not Chinese. smoke all day and people say . you are not fit enough to travel..." ☻My mother in law walks five miles every day....... well shaped..... they make me sick. but the icecubes blocked my nostrils....... ☻If you have picture where you look old.

muslim. The matter of their arguement was the religion of hanuman ji. pata hai ki cinema hai lekin voh to janwar hai.They all started an arguement about hanuman ji. what do you call a sardar who drinks only beer? just-beer singh. what is history of punjab called? sarson-da-saga. Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can. what would punjabi international airlines be called? kitthe pacific. First of all Hindu came forward and said Ram ji was hindu . A: "Six.wo sardar ke siwa koi nahi ho saktaa" ☻what is a sikh scuba diver called? jal-andhar singh." Q: Why did 18 sardarjis go to a movie? A: Because below 18 was not allowed !!! Q: How do you keep a surd busy? A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.hanuman). what would national airlines be named? itthe pacific.superman. kya baat hai? Dar kyon lag raha hai cinema hi to hai??' Sardarji replies 'Aadmi hoon aur akkal hai. Then the muslim guy quickly responded at this and said hanuman is a muslim name jaise rehman suleman waise hi hanuman. Q: How do you measure a surd's intelligence? A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in his ear! .sikh and christian. what do you call a sardar who has only one drink? just-one singh ☻Paint the highway☻ A sardar was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of a highway.16 ☻Once there were four guys . At this the sardar ji got angry and said "Jo insaan kisi doosre ki bewee (wife) ke liye apni poonch mein aag lagwa sakta hai. Then the foreman asked the sardar why he kept painting less each day. hanuman ji was his follower so hanuman ji was also hindu. I could never eat twelve pieces." ☻A sardarji goes to the see Jurassic Park and when the Dinosaurs start approaching he is swetting in his seat when his friend asks him 'kyon sardarji. he replied "I just can't do any better. please. the following day less than a mile. usko kya pata ☻Q: What do you call a surd in an institution of higher learning? A: A visitor. the next day three miles. hindu. On his first day he painted six miles. The christian guy said no it is an english name just like heman and superman (heman. Q: A surd ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.

It's on. Q: What's the difference between a surd and a computer? A: You only have to punch information into a computer once. how can you steal his window seat? A: Tell him the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row. It's off.17 Q: Why do surds wear their hair up? A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads Q: HOW DO YOU KEEP A SURD BUSY ALL DAY? A: Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner. Q: What does a surd say when you ask his if his blinker is on? A: It's on.he's got a hand grenade in his mouth. They're born that way. Q: How do you confuse a surd? A: You don't.. It's off. Q: What do you call 10 surds standing ear to ear? A: A wind tunnel. Q: What do you call a surd with half a brain? A: Gifted! Q: What do you call a surd in a tree with a brief case? A: Branch Manager. Q: How do you make a surd laugh on Saturday? A: Tell him a joke on Wednesday.) Q: Why can't surds make ice cubes? A: They always forget the recipe. Q: How did the surd try to kill the bird? A: He threw it off a cliff.. Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN A SURD THROWS A PIN AT YOU? A: Run like Hell. Q: SOMEONE ASKED IF A SURD BELEIVED IN SMOKING. Q: What did the surd do when he noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency? A: He turned it over and used the other side. It's on. It's off.. Q: Why did god give surds 2% more brains than horses? A: Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during parades. Q: Why do men like surd jokes? A: Because they can understand them. Q: A surd going to London on a plane. Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A: A surd parade. Q: What do you do when a surd throws a hand grenade at you? A: Pull the pin and throw it back. Q: Why did the surd stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? A: Because it said 'concentrate'. Q: How do you keep a surd in suspense? A: (I'll tell you tomorrow. Q: Why do surds work seven days a week? A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday. . Q: What is the surd doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears? A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

Oh jee 100% sure Mr Bacchan asks . ☻One day a sardarjee entered my provision store and asked for a packet of butter. says the Sardarji. "Uh . Q: What surdarji will do if he wants a white paper ? (he already has one and he wants one more.) A: He takes a Xerox of the white paper !!! Q: THINK about it. Mr Bacchan asks . my zip code keeps changing. I've seen it done. . so I did the next best thing. Mr Bacchan " Mubarak ho Aap ek hazaar rupye jeet gaye". "Saab main bhi yehi socha lekin jab train nazdeek aayi to voh saala bhagnay laga"." ☻This Sardarji is driving a passenger train when all of a sudden he gets the train off the tracks.lock kar doo ? Sardarjee replies Ha ji lock kar do. Sardar. abe saale le jaana tha uske upar say"." Psychiatrist."Aap ke pitaji ka naam kya hai ?" After thinking for quite some time the Sardarji says " Are atleast chaar options to do" ☻A Sardar is speaking to her psychiatrist. "I'm on the road a lot. On asking him what else he wanted.. "And why do you think that is?" Sardar.. All this long the passengers are shocked and upon the next stop complain to the Station Master. He was handed over with the packet which had the caption cholestrol free written on it.sure ? Sardarjee . I'm surd !! Q:) why does a sardar smile during lightning? A:) He thinks his photograph is being taken! Q:) Why did a sardarji took a binocular to a funeral? A:) Because it was a close friend of sardarji. An angry SM confronts the Sardar who says. He paid for the butter and was handed over the butter He waited for sometime." Psychiatrist. How's that working?" Sardar. and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me. ☻Kaun Banega Crorepati☻ Once a sardarji is selected to play the Kaun Banega Crorepati game with Mr Bacchan.." Psychiatrist.. "That was a little too expensive. please hand over the cholestrol which the company offered free with purchase of this pack".. he replied " don't think I will get fooled by you shopkeepers... I haven't gotten any letters yet. But the SM retorts "To toone ek aadmi ke liye itnee logon ki jaane mushkil main daali.." Q: What Surdarji will do after taking Xerox ? A: He will compare it with the original for spelling mistakes. "Don't you have a phone in your car?" Sardar.. drives it into the nearby field and back on to the rails. "Saab main theekh hee chala rahatha jab main ne dekha ke ek aadmi tracks par khada hai". Mr Bacchan says "Ab aapka doosra sawaal" Mr Bacchan asks the second question . A: I don't have to think. "Actually. "I figure its because when I'm driving around. Mr Bacchan asks the Sardar "Aap ek hazaar rupye jeetne ke liye taiyaar hain" Sardarji replies " Haanji bilkul taiyaar hain" Mr Bacchan says " Aapka pehla sawal " Aapka naam kya hai ?" Sardarji replies "Balwinder Singh". I put a mailbox in my car.18 A: He said "Yes.

After that no one came forward for few seconds while people stared at each other and suddenly out of nowhere a Sardarji came forward near the railing and chanted. Pathan came. Then a Israeli jew stepped forward said "Hellulaja" and dived into the sea. "Friends. opened the box & said "Pathan Sher ka bachcha hai" and went off .19 ☻A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence. the couple went again to the Sardarji and asked "what are you doing here"? Sardarji replies "I am filling my son's birth certificate " the couple says "but you were filling the same form in Mumbai yesterday " The sardarji now irritated replied "Can't you see it is written fill in Capital" ☻The Exam☻ . boss! I've been working here for five years. We need to give sacrifice and I need three people to sacrifice their life so that rest of us can be saved." repeated the Sardar attendant. they were on their honey moon and they were to visit Mumbai and delhi. teri ma jungle gayi thi ya sher tere ghar aaya tha?" and went off. the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big. Sardar was trying to open his suitcase to take out his night dress. After an hour sardar was busy in opening his lunch box. his young Sardar attendant just filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off. 'Unleaded Fuel Only. After some time sardar was trying to open door of toilet but he couldn't . "So?" "Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!" The attendant rolled his eyes. ☻One day one sardar was standing outside the gateway of India in Mumbai. The ship became slow and finally came to a grinding halt." said the attendant." repeated the attendant. But he could not opened it. One newly married couple came there. Again Pathan came and opened it with one kick and said " Pathan Sher ka bachcha hai" This time sardar was to angry he asked pathan "oye muzhe ek gal bata. Captain of the ship called an emergency meeting and told the passengers. Jai maa Durga." All of them moved towards the Deck where a japanese came forward and shouted "Long live japan" and jumped into the sea." ☻Once one sardar and one pathan were traveling in one train. "Yeah. ☻Once a cruise ship carrying people from all the nations was going on a around the world' tour when it got grounded. "So?" "Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!" "Yeah. The next day the couple saw the sardarji in front of lal kila in Delhi and was filling the same form. But he was unable to open it. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection in fact. Jai Hanuman" "jai Sri Ram. Pathan came and opened the suitcase & said " Pathan Sher ka bachcha hai" and went off . sat sri akaal" "wahe guruji da khalsa. Jai baba nanak di" "Jai jawan jai kissan " and finally yelled at the top of his voice "Bharat mata ki jai" And Kicked the pakistani standing next to him in the sea. Of course I know what 'UFO' means. paralyzed with shock. Jai siva-sankar. "So?" "Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!" "Yeah. " Jo bole-so-nihal. wahe guruji di fateh" "Jai maa Kali. bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. the couple went to the sardarji and asked "tusi ki karte piyo (what are you doing?"the sardar ji replied my son is just born I am filling his birth certificate ". "Good grief. They had to go to delhi the next day. we are in trouble because of God's being angry with us. "Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.

Dad. today we had Medical Examination. There was a sardar also. two of his sardarji friends look at the child for the first time.20 Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination which consists of Y/N type questions. Is that because I am Sardar?" No son. removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet . Italian : Just tell me which side. asks his father another question. is land two miles from here ? Sardarji : Downwards .All the other kids could only say half the alphabet. Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.. the sardar tells them that its a boy!!! The two sardarji friends tell the father of the child that the eyes of the new born child are like him. Next day .." Dad. " Bantu seeming content with the answer. alarmed. that's because you are intelligent. all the other boys were shorter than me. Tibutboon. During the last few minutes.. please pass the spoon". Then why are these fools making noise...He is very upset as he expected a boy. approaches him and asks what is going on. swearing and sweating. He takes his seat in the examination hall. I have got the experience of swimming even more. he noticed two banana peels and exclaimed" ari sala ." replies his father. They ask the father sardarji the reason for this. today we had Math class . the Titanic is going to be drowned. I finished the exam in half and hour". Italian : Only two miles. within one and a half years he gets a baby girl. stares at the question paper for five minutes. He answers in a COOL way. "I am rechecking my answers and am not able to tally them with what I wrote. Happy with the answer. Just then a Italian asks the nearby Sardarji in the ship. I was atleast twice their height. The Italian jumps off the ship into the sea and comes up to the layer to ask something again. I could count from 1 to 20. Bantu poses another question to his father. On the way he slipped on a banana peel and was badly hurt. pass the custard". So something should be like its mother also SAMJHE KYA?" ☻"Help. Later after two days. In the end he said to his partner "you bastard. but I knew the whole thing. Is this because I am Sardar ??" No son.. ☻Bantu returns from his first day at school and immediately questions his father. "Oye. he says. "Are bhai. and then in a fit of inspiration takes his wallet out. The invigilator.." ☻ Once a Sardar was going to his office. he noticed a banana peel and exclaimed " sala aaj bhi phisalna hoga". from here ? Sardarji : Two miles . He thought a lot for a simile for custard but couldn't find one. crying. he childs nose is also like that of the sardar.Y for Heads and N for Tails. on his way to the office. As told earlier. running or praying to God... A person sitting next to sardar said to his partner "Mr. aaj to choice hai"!!!!!! ☻Once a sardarji marries a girl. Italian : How far is land. "But yaar". Is that because I am Sardar ??" . he is seen desperately throwing the coin. Suddenly the new born baby urinates on one of the sardar friends. ☻Once many people from around the world were invited at Queen Victoria's residence for lunch. Alas they are shocked to see that it is a baby girl. that's because you are intelligent. you said the babys eyes and nose are like me.All the other kids could only count from 1-10. today we had a Spelling Class ."☻ Everybody in the ship is shouting. Dad. But he decides to tell people that it is a boy and not a girl!!!! At the naming ceremony of the child. hey take out the nappy to clean the baby. Now the sardar wanted custard. At the beginning of the lunch it was announced that every thing which is to be asked will be asked in a poetic way.

It was a hundred bucks bet. His first task was to go out for coffee. * sends a fax with a postage stamp on it. Balwant plants the tree saplings and Gurpreet fills in the hole. that's because you are 31 years old. * tries to drown a fish in waters. I dig the hole. "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" the sardar asked. * thinks socialism means partying. The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos. 'Tell me. * sells the car for gas money. He held up the thismos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take his order. he grabbed a large thismos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. one of his friends claimed that he can make the Sardarji a chainsmoker. ☻A sardarji once went to america. It looks like about six cups to me. ☻You should be sure the person is Sardar when he: * puts lipstick on the forehead because he wants to makeup his mind. Kennedy's mother. When he came back a party was thrown in honor of him and he was asked to give a speech.C to hear John F. During his speech Kennedy told the crowd that he had slept with only one other woman than his wife and challenged the crowd to guess who she was.' said the passerby. He remembered kennedy's speech and he told the crowd that he had slept with only one woman other than his wife and challenged the people to guess who the person was. "No son. * trips over a cordless phone. He toured the entire united states and before returning he visited Washington D. His Friend brought a pack of WILLS (cigarette) and told Sardarji that it was an abbreviation for "Women in London Love Sadars" (WILLS) The Sardarji loved the concept and started smoking and soon became a chainsmoker. then finally replied. Today Balwant is off. and two decaf. two black." ☻A sardar was recently hired at an office. but that doesn't mean Gurpreet and I get the day off! . Eager to do well on the first day on the job. 'What on earth are you doing?' 'Well. "Then give me two regular. When the crowd gave up he promptly told that it was his mother. * drives to the airport and sees a sign that said. ☻There was this Sardarji who was a non-smoker. * gets locked in Furniture Shop and sleeps on the floor. * gets stabbed in a shoot-out. 'Usually there are three of us.21 The father replies.' said the digger. * studies for a blood test and fails. Kennedy's speech. he turns around and goes home. this friend claimed that he can de-addict Sardarji but for two hundred bucks."Airport left". because he is ill. Now it was a turn of another of his friends. When the crowd gave up the surd said." The Sardarji left smoking! ☻Sardar's Planting Trees☻ A passerby watched two sardarjis in a park. This Friend also brought the Sardarji a pack WILLS (Cigarette) but told the Sardarji what WILLS if reversed (SLLIW) stands for "Sardars Look Like Indian Women. "Yeah." "Oh good!" the sardar sighed in relief. and takes the 22 twice instead. * takes a ruler to bed to see how long he slept. hesitated a few seconds. * misses the 44 bus. One was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them in again. The crowd went wild and the surd was very impressed.

sir. What would you call an Irish lady that marries a Sardarji? A. 2. "For best results. I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow. The Sardar says. then I will marry you next year. Q. "Oh.. Yes. And would this couple be as smart as other people? A.22 ☻A Sardar died and went to heaven. even though it's not the answer I expected. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions: 1. March 2nd.. "I want my 20 lakhs. "No. " Again." ☻Q:) Why does sardarji brings binoculorses in his own marriage? A:) To see his far reletavies. ☻Two Sardars went into a pub and after ordering two beers took some sandwiches out of their pockets and started to eat them. "Look. ☻ A Sardar buys a ticket and wins the lottery. ?You can't eat your own sandwiches in here. put on two coats" . the man explained that he would only get a lakh that day and the rest during the next 19 weeks. Blonde Sardarini.. 1. There are 12 seconds in a year.. January 2nd." complained the pub-owner. Thinking this was a little strange. He goes to Delhi to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number." Saint Peter lets him in without another word ☻Sardar to Sunita: "I want to marry you" Sunita: "But I am one year elder to you. February 2nd. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it. "TO start from the middle keeps one curious not only about its conclusion but also about its beginning". Name two days of the week that begin with "T"." The Sardar said. How many seconds are there in a year? The Sardar thought for a few minutes and answered. he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall. 2. She showed him the instructions on the tin. The man replied. A friend of his asked why he did so?" It'z doubly interesting". The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow. but he always started reading from the middle. We give >you one lakh today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 weeks. But how did you get only 12 seconds in a year?" The Sardar replied. said the Sardar. since math says 50%+50%=100% ☻A sardar was very fond of sensational and detective novels. ☻Q. then I want my five rupees(of ticket) back! ☻A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a Sardarni painting the walls. screams out.. "OK. It doesn't work that way. So the two sardars swapped their sandwiches." Sardar: "No Problem. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. I want my money! If you're not going to give me my 20 lakhs right now. furious with the man. The Sardar. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket. "Well. Saint Peter said. no. so your answer is correct. etc.

☻Sardarji enters kitchen.. We will be definetly defeated by America and we shall be the part of the America and then they will obviously develop our punjab also". Wait here for a few minutes while I check this file and I'll get back to you on that. flips his hair and says. "Wow" the crowd cheered up. he shows the picture to the third SARDAR and in a very testy voice asks.... "This is your suspect. and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.... he shows the first SARDAR a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.that's because the picture I showed is his side profile. Its 4 asterisks(****). ..uh. The sardar behind him in the line said. checks the suspect's file in his computer..." ☻Sardar's Interview☻ Sardar went to an interview. his wife sees this. Each of them started giving suggestions . "Well. sees it and closes. The first sardar replies. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect. finally one great Sardarji gave a suggestion with a huge volume "Lets fight with Indian Government. Interviewer: Have u heard of "MIKE TYSON"?? Sardarji: Yes Sir. how would you recognize him?" The second SARDAR smiles. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.. "What are you doing?" Sardarji replies. get freedom from India then.." He leaves the room and goes to his office.. how would you recognize him? He quickly adds. Ha! Ha! Haaa! U r wrong. "Wow! I can't believe it." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response. "This is your suspect. Again he comes after sometime opens sugar box and closes. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an acute observation?" "That's easy.. "Well." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. Its 1258 ☻Punjab Develpoment☻ Once all Sardarji's clubed together and decided to develop Punjab and they wanted the Punjab as a Developed State." The SARDAR looks at the picture intently for a moment and says..23 ☻A sardar was drawing money from ATM. "Ha! Ha! Haaa! I've seen ur password." bolo ta ra ra raa. Think hard before giving me a stupid answer. there was at last a thin voice asking "What about if we win ?" ☻A policeman was interviewing 3 SARDARS who were getting trained to become detectives.. that's an interesting answer." the SARDAR replied.. "The suspect wears contact lenses. "What's the matterwith you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?" Extremely frustrated at this point. he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second SARDAR and asks him "This is your suspect. Interviewer: Can u tell me his father's name?? Sardar thought for a while & replied : "MIKE TIE" !! BEST FRIEND JOKES ☻A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your successes. "That's easy. Wife asks. we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says. "The doctor told me to check sugar level regularly.... Opens sugar box. how would you recognize him?" The first SARDAR answers. Declare war on America. "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds..

☻Love is friendship set on fire. Never do they question. its about who came and never left. who came first or who cares the best. ☻Life is nothing without friendship. no love. Times of prosperity are full of 'friends'. by the doubling of our joy and the dividing of our grief. ☻Friendship is a single soul living in two bodies.. for friendship gives wings to the heart. i'll let u grow & cultivate u with love n care so i can keep u as a friend 4ever ☻Friendship isnt about whom you have known the longest. but always offer support no matter what the circumstances are.. dear friends are always close to the heart. ☻There is no friendship. ☻Friendship is like money. ☻Friends r like mirrors they are our reflection you r **beep** lucky I look good !!! ☻It must have been a very rainy day when U were born but it wasnt rain. but love in friendship -. its a feeling of togetherness!! ☻My girlfriend told me. ☻Friendship improves happiness and abates misery. ☻True friendship comes when silence between two people is comfortable. always remember that our friendship is more then just words.. ☻A best friend is somebody who knows every last thing about you.neverends. yet still manages to like you anyway ☻If time slips away and you havent heard a word from me. but trust me you will never loose my friendship. ☻Side by side or miles apart. ☻Two people can't wish to be friends long if they can't manage to forgive each other's minor failings. ☻Life without friendship is like the sky without sun.. so I got two Girlfriends ☻We win and loose things everyday.24 ☻Real friendship is most notable in those times of trouble. I will allways be there. Best Friends are the people worth living for. ☻There is no distance too far between best friends. it was d sky who was Crying coz it lost its most BEAUTIFUL star ☻If friends were flowers i would not pick you. easier made than kept. ☻Friendship often ends in love.you give your whole heart to your love & they BREAK IT but you give your broken heart to a friend & they MAKE IT Thats Friendship ☻All flowers cant debit LOVE but ROSE did it All birds cant symbolize PEACE but DOVE did it . ☻True friends are those who are there for you unconditionally. ☻Difference between love & friendshp. like that of the parent for the child. I should be more Affectionate.

Enough about ME! How about you? GOOD TASTE A phone is a form of communication. Give more & Always have ME as UR FRIEND FRIENDS Time might lead me to nowhere. Spontaneous.. A picture is a form of remembrance. It is nice to have a friend like U making my everyday seems so great.. along my life's journey I found a friend like U.. Fate might break me apart. ☻A*smile* is a sign of joy a *hug* is a sign of love. RULES TO BE HAPPY 6 rules to be HAPPY: Free your heart from hatred... Good Looking. Live simply.. Not Visible But Always There. Free your mind from worries..25 All friends cant enter in my HEART buT you did it ☻A True Friend Is Not Like The Rain That Pours And Goes Away But Like The Air. RING I wish I were a ring Upon my girlfriend's hand. a kiss is a form of affection. yoü häve one öf the most välüäble gifts and life thanks for being one. ä friend is ä living treäsüre & if yoü häve 1. You might lose some. CHOOSING me as your FRIEND is a form of. FRIENDS LIKE HAIR Friends are like a head of hair. I'll always be thankful that once... well..we tend 2 run so fast that we dont notice FRIENDS are running with us. Charming. you can take the 1st step to get near me and i will take all 99 step to be there for you. but with enough $money$ you can buy them back.. Sweet. Have a nice day ☻Sometimes in life.... to pick us. . Funny. Intelligent.. Expect less.a*laugh* is a sign of happiness & a frend like me is a sign of YOUR DAM GOOD CHOICE ☻A friend is 1 of nicest thngs you can häve & one öf the best things you can be. FRIENDSHIP TEST.. Nice Friends. ABOUT ME Handsome.. ehem GOOD TASTE! BE MY FRIEND If U need a friend and there are a hundred steps between us. 'Cause everytime she'd wipe her rear I'd see the promised land. Thank U my good friend lastly gd nite n sweet dreams.we only notice THEM when we fall & THEY stop.. NICE FRIENDS A day is going to end again.

. but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart. each day is never a waste. WONDERFUL FRIEND There is a gift that gold cannot buy. they are scattered everywhere.... I want u 2 know that our friendship means a lot 2 me... AS LONG AS.. But you know they are always there for you. I laugh again. LEAVING FOOTPRINTS Many people will walk in and out of your life.. So. they are meant to enter your life to bring you joy and laughter. U jump out of d window.. hahaha ALWAYS THERE FOR YOU.. ... U cry. Not what U see but how U feel.26 thE tEst oF fRiEndsHip dOseN't cOmeS wHen u R 2GethEr. and that's how long I'll be your friend.. dats the gift of a wonderful friend like the friend dat i have in u! WAT U SEE Wat u see as truth wat u see as lies remember that true friendship never dies although we may change & drift apart. yesterday remains. ill always value u deep within my heart! FATE 2B FRIENDS A friend is never a coincidence in your life. tomorrow awaits. Friends are like stars. Friends listen to what you say.. As long as we have Friendship. they are real and rare.. You can't always see them. FRIENDS True friends are like Diamonds... As long as we have memories. I look down n then. It cOmEs wHeN u ParT waYs & u ReaLizE tHat dEsPitE tHe dIsTanCe.. I laugh... i will treasure the friendship between us.. Best friends listen to what you don't say.. U laugh. False friends are like leaves. as long as we have hope... and not how U Let Go but how U hold oN!!! A RING A ring is round and has no end... WHAT YOU SAY Everyone hears what you say.. FRIENDSHIP MEANS. I cry.. thE fRiEndshIp iS sTilL tHeRe... FRIENDSHIP isn't how U forGet but how U forGive. Not how U liSten but how U UnderStand.. a blessing dats rare & true. FRIENDSHIP IS.

. I got up this morning. 'Because you came home early. I'm afraid 2 go 2 the bathroom. Amen... ThErE wIlL B TiMeS U wOn't SeE Me BeSiDe U.. LifE woUlD be BORING.. But trust me on one thing: YOU WILL NEVER LOSE ME! I will always be there as a friend! BEST FRIEND A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart. but I realised tat loving a friend is even better. FALLING APART Its been a rough day.' NEVER LOSE ME! We gain and lose things every day. why are you doing that?' He said. Just like us. if He did. Can you also make me sexy? If you can't make me sexy. Friendships is like wine: it gets BETTER as it grows OLDER. ThiS mAkeS mE reAlisED tHat.. They are hard 2 replace. WITHOUT A FRIEND LIKE U EveRyDay I seE LoTs oF StRangErS PasSiNg By mE. DuN ThInK I LeFt U BeHiNd. I can't afford a precious FRIEND like YOU!!! OLD FRIENDS Never abandon old friends.. Because. PATH OF FRIENDSHIP The sun is glazing. we lose ppl we love but we never lose true friends.. WiThoUt A FriEnD LiKE U. NEVER LOSE TRUE FRIENDS I always thought loving some1 was the greatest feeling. upon the sunlight i see the path of our friendship shining brightly knowing that it is so great to have a friend like YOU! NIGHT PRAYER Dear God. BEHIND YOU DuRiNg OuR FrIeNdShIp. please make all my friends fat. thank you for making me healthy.. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off.27 PRICETAGS GOD is so wise that he never created FRIENDS with pricetags. . HOME EARLY 1 day as I came home early from work. I said to the guy. 'Hey buddy.. put on a shirt and a button fell off. u get OLDER. i get BETTER. I JuSt ChOsE To WaLk BeHiNd U So I CaN CaTcH U WhEn U Fall. I saw a guy jogging naked.

the time is short but really beautiful moments. THAT's LIFE ☻When u draw a circle with friendship as radius & love as center u will always find me on the circumference ☻Treat life as the sea. Feel glad when your dreams come true. PROMISE We've known each other by CHANCE. YOU sacrifice A lot To keep them. Believe in things you wanna do. ☻True Frnds see yoU true. what matters is which one touches the seashore.. I may not have sacrificed enough 4 you.. And when we say FRIEND FOREVER. l may not right in evrythng. it never matters how many waves are there.. that's definitely a lifetime PROMISE! FLOWER If friends were flowers I would not pick you! I'll let you grow in the garden & cultivate you with love and care so I can keep you as a friend 4ever!! FALLING APART . friends like the waves. became friends by CHOICE. Best of all they dont judge you & simply love you coz ur you PRICELESS GIFT FriEndSHiP iS A PRiCeLeSs GiFt tHaT cAn'T Be BoUgHt Or SoLd.28 SHOOTING STARS The times we shared is like shooting star. still friends by DECISION. but im sure l wasnt wrong in choosing you 2 be my friend ☻A lover makes you realise how wonderful the world is.Friend is a book with only one copy published... You are one of the best books ever written. l am not the best but I always try my best.. BuT To Have An UnDeRsTaNdiNg FriEnd iS FaR MoRe WoRtH tHaN GoLd~! ... but in my HEART I swear I'm keeping you. A masterpiece worth reading million times ☻lm not wealthy but I have a rich heart. your heart as the seashore..... Friends forever~!!! KEEPING A FRIEND KeEping a FRIEND is As Difficult AS losing one. Forever engraved in our hearts. But its a friend who makes you realise how wonderful you are to the world.

word when your quite.. 'format' ur problems. 'shift' u 2 opportunities & never 'delete' u from my memory! FRIENDS ALWAYS In this WORLD. life is hard. Without courage... It is not MEASURED on how TALL it could be... touch when your lost. call me. Without love. where everything seems UNCERTAIN.. I leave you as a friend.. THE SUBSCRIBER CANNOT BE REACHED! COMPARE FRIENDSHIP is like a tree.. MEMORY LASTS FOREVER A memory lasts forever.. All friends never split and even if they do they will meet again. as long as the world stands. text me. True friends stay together and never say good bye. ..29 SUBSCRIBER CANNOT BE REACHED If you need advice... life sux. smile when your sad.. 'save' u in my heart... life is impossible! COMPUTER A good friend is like a computer. only one thing is DEFINITE. the kind that heaven sends. beyond WORDS. FRIENDS 4 LIFE Without humor. If you need money.. If you need a friend.. Without friends like you. and never does it die. come to me. but is on how DEEP the ROOTS HAVE GROWN. If you need me. our friendship never ends.. You'll always be my FRIEND. but falling in love with you was completely out of my control. becoming your friend was choice. I'm surrounded by angels but I call them my best friends. . OUT OF MY CONTROL Meeting you was fate. FRIENDSHIP The ship that will never sink is my friendship with you.. beyond TIME & beyond DISTANCE! ANGEL FRIENDS I believe in angels.. me 'enter' ur life. a shoulder when you cry. your all that 4 me... NEVER SPLIT I met you as a stranger. life is hopeless. Whos a frnd? A push when you stop.

. longer U stay harder it is 2 leave & if U ever leave. Making a million friends is not a miracle. Ven God gav FRIENDS. Another smile. bt ven I got U. Plz Rechrg ur frendship a/c immdiatly by Sending 4-5 sweet & Cool msgs.. sum r advnturus.. OSCAR WINNING Ur validity being myfrend is going to be expird 2day. Frnds I can make. Another winter. but there'll never be.. n yet othrs r tragedy. U can never go without leaving ur footprints! Another month.. Even i didnt knw. A summer too..he tried 2 b FAIR. Very few are like U. find ourselvs 'Out of tune'.. today tomorrow & FOREVER!! I dont expect 2 be the most imptnt friend in ur life dats 2 much 2 ask.HAPPY FRIENDSHIP DAY Life s like box of chocolates u never knw wht u gonna get. U cant ever bring them back thats Y i hv tied u tight to my H-E-A-R-T! Bcoz u r 2 precious 2loose!! A true friend is someone who thinks that Ür a good egg even though he knows that Ür slightly cracked. bt none as SWEET as U. once u let them go. Happy frdship day! Love says i love u.. r u? Do you know what is FRIENDSHIP? It is the SMALLEST thing u argue 4. sum r musical. smile says i adore u. hug says i want u. sum r comedy. "i'm still here.. bt my HEART is TRUE. when u r together AND MISS those SMALLEST thing when u r APART Time might lead me nowhere & fate might break me into pieces. wat will make me happy is tht 1 day if u hear my name u'll smile n saY dats my frnd! Though my WORDS r FEW. but I will always be THANKFUL that once in my life's journey we became FRIENDS Frnds r like films.. Ü shud be proud to have a true friend like me! friends never leave each other friends never part they just some times sit silently deep in each others heart saying. But as long as there are frenz 2 provide the melody.. ANOTHER YOU. the miracle is to make a friend who will stand by you when a million are against you. but whn we became FRENDS i jst knw tht i got d SWEETEST BOX! HAPPY FRIENDSHIP DAY! F'ship is like standin on wet cement. So Hurry Rechrg Now !! . Another year. the music plays on!' HAPPY FRIENDSHIP DAY. crush says i like u. Another tear. but a FRIEND says i care for u..I got MORE than my SHARE! F-R-I-E-N-D-S are like balloons.30 Happy frndshps day In the rhythm of life v smetimes. sum r romantic.

moments of caring.. ... That is the kind of frnds v are Far yet so Near. but if you find one equal and true.. never leave the old for new . But 1 sweet frnd like u makes my life. creates a miracle called FRIENDS. Our story had a wonderful bgining. V WIN & LOSE thngs evryday. friend. Each frnd v make is a start of each story....) JL Happy Friendship Day Life is meaningful.... You are the best heart surgeon in the world. 7 sweet days make 1 sweet week. Think of me and keep in mind. v cn cnvrt dis end in2 jst a BEND! 2gethr. Thanks for being my FRIEND There is a story bhind every frndship. when u have friends to share it with. Simple yet so Precious Feeling of love. just like i caught u. u have 2 sit patient 4 a long time to catch a nice one.. Hope this story never has an nding Often v stand at life's crossroads & view wht v thnk is d END. To eat ùr head! (". v cn alwys mke a diff. a faithful friend is hard to find.TOTALLY ROCKS.2 pick us up. But trust me on 1 thng: You will NEVER lose ME! I will ALWAYS be thr.having a heart break sucks. small small sharing.... 2 b 2gether in pain.! In the world few things r GODS gift.falling in luv is exciting.. but having a friend like u..! Sometimes in life. Having a crush is sweet.. better stay nice or i'll fry u 24 sweet hrs make 1 sweet day.. we tend to run so fast that we dont notice FRIENDS r running with us... shoulders 2 cry. .. 4 sweet week make 1 sweet month.. Certain frnds touch our heart & v cant stop thinking about them. stupid fights. mother's love father's advice brother's care sister's fight baby's smile & ours frendship. Thank u for sharing my life with me..31 Friends r like fishes.. b'coz you made a place in my HEART without cutting & spilling it.. Bt wid d help of a true frend.. we only notice THEM when we fall & THEY stop .

6. 9:35pm.and you will get caught -. 7. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives. 1.Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. Leave the office late -. barely able to keep a straight face. especially when the boss is still around. putting the entire production line behind schedule. Use computers to look busy -. thus saving valuable training dollars. Send important e-mails at unearthly hours (i. (thick computer manuals are the best). but you sure sound impressive. That's no way to live. "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday. For the rest of us. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. etc. respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there -. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing -.Any time you use a computer.) and during public holidays. Build vocabulary -. Stacking strategy -.People with documents look like hardworking employees headed to important meetings.Always leave the office late. make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night.your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software.e. giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure. 9. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. MOST IMPORTANT -. but they're not bad either. Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. it looks like "work" to the casual observer. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself. 7:05am. it looks like we're not working hard enough.. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read. so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. You can send and receive personal e-mail. Never walk without a document -. 5. When you get caught by your boss -.32 10 Office Rules: 10. 8. Look impatient and annoyed -. 4.DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake! Tickle Me Elmo: There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.only top management can get away with a clean desk. they don't have to understand what you say. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. "I'm sorry. wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you really do. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle. chat and have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. Screen all your calls through voice mail. etc. Messy desk -.According to George Costanza. If somebody leaves a message for you and it sounds like impending work. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. last year's work looks the same as today's work." he says to her. Pile them high and wide..they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. Creative sighing for effect -. Voice mail -. Above all. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up.It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. To the observer. People with nothing in their hands look like they're headed for the cafeteria. 3. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're headed for the toilet.it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Put lots of books on the floor. Well. Remember. it's volume that counts. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about.Sigh loudly when there are many people around." . one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give off the impression that you're always busy. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. 2.

Please restart your computer and try sending again. 9. 3. Please wait by your PC for my response. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received. I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance. 3: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management. 9: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend. 7: Thank you for your message. Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper. Be prepared for my mood. and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks. sir. 6: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message.99 for each additional word in your message. worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. 8.99 for the first ten words and $1. I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm! 5. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. They told me at the blood bank this might happen. The coffee machine is broken. you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over). . yes. 4. Your credit card has been charged $5. If I was in. 10. Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." responded the young man. 10: I've run away to join a different circus. "If you're going to work here young man. chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all. 7. 4: I will be unable to delete all the unread. 5: Thank you for your email.33 "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles. " said the boss. This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people! 6. There is no mat. 2: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office.'(The beauty of this is that when you return. Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP). If You Get Caught Sleeping at Your Desk 1. which has been added to a queuing system. 8: Hi. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress. You are currently in 352nd place." "Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?" "Oh. "the number two thing you must learn is that we are very keen on cleanliness in this firm." "Out-Of-Office" E-Mail Auto-Reply: 1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to. Don't bother to leave me any messages. "And another thing the number one thing we are very keen on is truthfulness." said the boss. 2.


This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny! NAME: Greg Bulmash. SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person. DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. SALARY: Less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes. DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely. SIGN HERE: Aries.

Ways To Have Fun in the Workplace Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after you boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-Cha."

Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom." Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Marge. Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way. Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document. Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they want fries with that. Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing. Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN." Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers. Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "oh you've got to be faster than that. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

WINTER JOKES The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared. Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?" The man on the phone responded, "This winter is going to be quite cold indeed." So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"

Q: Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman than a regular one? A: You have to hollow out the head.

A bird was flying south for Winter, but he had left it too late and was frozen solid in a storm. He dropped down into a pasture of cows. The biggest, fattest cow was doing a crap there, and the bird landed in it. At first

he was disgusted, until he realised the poo was thawing him out! He started crying out for joy as the ice melted. A cat that was nearby heard the cries, walked over, saw the bird and ate it There are three morals to this story: 1. Not everyone who gets you into shit is your enemy 2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend 3. If you are in shit, keep your mouth shut

Peekaboo Street (the US Olympian) apparently came into a lot of money because of her Olympic performance this winter. Rather than spend it on herself, she showed a lot of character by donating it to a local hospital. The primary facility the hospital needed was a retrofit of the Intensive Care Unit, so in her honor, the hospital board is going to name the new unit, "Peekaboo, I.C.U."

DIRTY JOKES A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, 'I wish I had bigger tits'. The boyfriend says 'well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months'. 'How will that help to make my tits bigger?' asks the girlfriend. 'Well it worked for your ass' says the boyfriend.

A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a classoom observation. He took out a jar of yellow liquid. "This," he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and taste." After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths. After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth."

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"

There was this woman who had bags under her eyes and wanted to get them removed so she could look younger so she went to a plastic surgeon. She tells the doctor I cant get rid of these bags please help me. The doctor says he is gonna try and new experimental technique on her. He will put a crank in the back of her head and when she sees bags under her eyes she's supposed to crank it and the bags will go away. So she gets this crank put in her head and leaves. It works and works for a while until one day she cant get rid of these bags under her eyes. She cranks and cranks as hard as she can but they just wont go away. So she goes to the doctor. She says to the doctor: "Doctor, this was working for a while, but I cant seem to get rid of these bags under my eyes." The doctor replies: "Lady those aren't bags... those are your tits!" All she had to say was, "Now that would explain why I have this goatee."

A guy is walking past a bus stop and says to a woman "Can I smell your cunt?" "Fuck off, no you can't smell my cunt!" the woman yells back at him, "Oh" he replies, looking slightly confused, "it must be your feet then".

But. boozing. I'm naked. and colored red and brownish. so he speaks up loudly. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack. storm up the steps." he insisted. Okay. But. I take my shoes off before I go into the house. jump into bed." Johnny is kind of irritated now. got a hammer. I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit. I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening. 'How about a blowjob?' . I've got it: it's round.. "Tell me about the day you died. the husband laid down some rules. and started hitting his hands. "OK. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. wisely ignored him and picked Deborah. if I want." One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. St. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. hiding inside a refrigerator." the teacher replies. fishing. unless I tell you otherwise. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "Any comments?" His new bride replied. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below. but I like your thinking. and I died. "And. and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. let me put my hand in my pocket. Johnny raised his hand high. he let the man in. I'm afraid it's a potato. "No Deborah. I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day." It got crowded in heaven. I get undressed in the bathroom." "Johnny!" she cries. picture this. so. I've got one for you teacher. that's fine with me. "Now class. I sneak up the stairs. I don't know what else to do." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. "Well. "A banana. "Tell me about the day you died?". "No." answers Johnny. throw my shoes into the closet. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says. then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!" St. "Oh. So I went out onto the balcony. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man." she says. first: it's round. Billy. for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. and at what time I want. slam the door. "it's a quarter.37 A couple were married and. he said to the third man in line." Well. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. who promptly answered "An apple. Also.. I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him." said the second man. I was sure my wife was having an affair. plumb and red." he said. Peter chuckled. "No. I went inside. He fell." The man said. "You know. it's a beet. let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.. But I like your thinking." Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says. "That's disgusting!" "Nope. and fairly hard. but landed in some bushes. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "I'll be home when I want. you're obviously taking the wrong approach. Okay. we live on the 25th floor. and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. So. whether you're here or not." St. Those are my rules. but I like your thinking!" . but the teacher. just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night. following the wedding. rub my hands on my wife's ass and say.. It's soft. Luckily I landed in some bushes." Now for the second.. "No." the teacher replies. it was awful." The teacher replied. and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. so I came home early to catch her with him. and since it was a crime of passion. "Hey. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. it was awful. I screech into the driveway. Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. but I like your thinking. Here's another: it's long.. hard. "Well. I'll go hunting. and it got a head on it." Of course. sir. I don't expect any hassle from you. and she's always sound asleep. fuzzy.. yellow. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. "it's a squash.

Perhaps I should go a bit deeper". As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. concentrating very hard. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it. "Oh my god. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. tricky situation.38 One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. the doctor said. and drives women wild? Money. What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common? They can both smell it but can't eat it. What do blondes and the Bermuda triangle have in common? They've both swallowed a lot of semen. at this point. The husband. What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant. So the doctor went deeper and deeper. The young lady said "Yes. whatever. What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig? A man who hates every bone in a woman's body. The doctor thought for a moment and said. looked like he was enjoying himself." So the doctor. He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises. The woman started screaming. but few are blind. except his own. The doctor. After a few gentle strokes. The doctor.. "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. What's the difference between love. "Now wait a minute. Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds? Because most men are stupid. yes. replied: "Change of plan. after covering the tip of his penis with honey. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit". just get on with it. what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he blasted. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? . help me. "Oh doctor. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It's not hard. still concentrating. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day. what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. anal sex makes your hole weak. swallowing and gargling. How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick. true love and showing off? Spitting. I'm gonna drown the bastard!!" Check out our other Dirty Jokes pages. "Hmm. inserted it into the young lady's vagina. The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor said "OK. doctor!" she shouted. two inches wide." The husband nodded and gave his approval.. there's a bee in my vagina!". After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. What's six inches long. she began to moan and groan aloud. The young lady began to quiver with excitement.

"Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Dirty Joke about Little Billy Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. A few days later. All covered with hair. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said. The head of Adam's thing. At the sight. the wind came along. As Adam's thing.39 She is the one who can eat the last donut! What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom? A pick pocket snatches watches. that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven. a nice big tree. where they began to rest. In this garden. and wider apart. And wonder came. "Son. Under Eve's eyes. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. "Well Dad. Lives Adam and Eve. They found a spot." "Gee Dad that's great. While thrill after thrill. I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!" In the Garden of Eden. Adam did stare. Came into her heart. "Jesus I'm coming. when Dad came home from work. and filled her with passion. There was Eve's treasure. Beyond her control. As the story goes on. and blew the leaves away. that suited them best. as everyone knows. Her legs spread wider. started to rise. When his Dad came home Billy said. Never the less to say. "Dad. I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming. Peeked into the hole. one covered Adam's. Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad. . one covered Eve's. without any clothes. Billy rushed out to meet him yelling." said little Billy. were two little leaves.

And Eve's treasure. for a piece of that ASS! Ben & Jerry's New Presidential (Clinton) Flavors Slick Willie Double Nut Joy Subpoenas 'n' Cream Impeach-Mint Candy Pants Chocolate Chip Doughboy Chilly Hillbilly Draft-Dodging Pot-Smoking Intern-Nailing Raspberry Swirl Vanilla Pantsachio Subpoena Colada Biscuits 'n' Gravy Horny Bubba Crunch Arkansas Peach Subpoena Butter Cup Peppermint Fattie Captain Cream Tubby Bubba Hillary Chiller Fundraising Coffee Oval Office Surprise Arkansas Smoothie Hyperactive Nuts . His thing did slide. So pull down your pants. Then down through the years. Was all out of juice. The joy was good. and lay in the grass.40 Backward and forward. because I'm in the mood. and now it is time. was all wet inside. She wouldn't let loose. Until Adam's thing. for me and you. People did screw.

7) You discover that she has been cutting and pasting her orgasms. "And you." A bloke is sat at a bar when he sees this gorgeous woman waiting for her date. He decides to go over and chat her up. "Doctor.'s face in the JPEG she sent because she's obscured by her 25 cats. rather than the geeky 14 year old boy she'd pretended to be.com has become cold and distant. 4) Since her first e-mail.com 2) Ken Starr launches an investigation into your relationship with the mysterious "tubby@whitehouse. hairy man. you can 14 Signs Your Online Relationship Isn't Working Out 14) You discover that "Chesty McBust" isn't her real name. I bet I can change your mind' said the bloke. 'Oh come on. you must help me. she lets a reference to cutting her chin shaving slip by." nodded the psychiatrist. she had had . I feel guilty and depressed for a week.Money. NO!" exclaimed the woman. 5) He claims to be the richest man in the world.Fast!@cyber-promotions. she attacks you in the Mines of Quarn with a Vorpal Sword when she learns you're worth 45.000 points.gov" 1) In an ironic twist of fate. And then afterward. I'm only interested in women' said the woman. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward. A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist." 9) Your cyber-lover is just too busy editing that silly little Top 5 List. and she's dialing in from Langley. you discover that the object of your affection is a curvaceous 18 year old.41 Scandalberry Viagra Joke Woman: Can I get Viagra here? Pharmacist: Yes. VA. 'I think you're wasting your time." she pleaded. no doubt. I end up in bed with him. 10) "Returned mail: User unknown and never wants to hear from you again." 11) After months of shared experiences and emotional investments. but his GIF looks like some geek who works for a software company. Woman: Can I get it over the counter? Pharmacist: If you give me two of them." "For God's sake. want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter. Make. 12) Her postmaster rejects your e-mail not as "undeliverable" but as "unlikely to get you anywhere. 13) You: Large." "I see. 3) She's suddenly changed her address to comingout@lesbian. 8) Getting perhaps a bit too comfortable. hairy man. 6) You can barely make out your S. L. After ten minutes of the bloke pestering her. Your online girlfriend: Large.

"Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you great sex for a whole year!". George said.. "What a babe. I'm shocked. the associate was happy to reciprocate. The programmer smiles and walks on. I paused and reflected. The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket." A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. "Out of what?" Clinton Joke Two new young interns are hired in the White House. Finally." A young associate was romantically ambushed in a darkened room of the law firm. "I'd sure like to fuck her!" "Really?" the other responded. A few minutes later. the associate was puzzled. if you kiss me. "Gee. when asked by a friend to identify the lover. 'OK' said the woman 'I'll sleep with you if you can do anything for me that my vibrator can't!' 'OK. "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me. The frog pipes up. I told him that I once broke-up with a girl long ago because she had a seemingly incurable speech impediment. I'll give you great sex for a week". I'll stay with you for a week".I had to do all the work. OK. However. barman get this lady a drink' he said. 'let's see your vibrator do that?' A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road.. What was the girl's problem?" Taking a sip." Reasons For Being Fired From Toys 'R' Us . But a talking frog is pretty neat. "She couldn't say 'yes'. "Jimmy.42 enough. A few minutes later. "All I know for sure is that it was a partner -. "What's wrong with you? I've promised you great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss a frog?" "I'm a programmer. He was glad for the interlude because it taught him how much his wife loved him. The President walks up and says.." one said. I've never come across your faces before. she ran out and yelled. the frog says "OK. the frog says. "I don't have time for sex." Two lawyers were walking down Rodeo Drive." he replies. and saw a beautiful model walking towards them. I never know you to be one to be prejudiced against handicaps. They are walking down the hall when President Clinton sees them. "My husband's home! My husband's home!" Over drinks one afternoon a buddy of mine and I were discussing former "loves". She was so thrilled to have him around that when a delivery man or the mailman arrived. After months of the social isolation that comes from eighty hour work weeks. The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket.

A few minutes later she asked." The doc said . "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. Caught hocking phlegm into tykes' hands and telling them it was "homemade Gack. he falls to the ground. ―Now do you want to get in the back seat?‖ "No. he replied. Source of reefer smoke finally traced to "nostrils" of Geoffrey the Giraffe. marries. you answer. 11. kid -. 2." He whips down his pants and says. 7." How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way. Every time you're passed over for a promotion. Cross-dressing the Ken and Barbie dolls and telling kids they're the new "Jerry Springer" edition. Numerous parental complaints about your "Tickle Me Carl The Stock boy" display. he said again. no one has ever touched these breasts. he says. 5. You got caught adding a garage to your house using embezzled Lego bricks. 14. Regardless of the question.I'm on break. This was the first time he had seen them." 3.43 15. Too many reports from people who swear they saw Geoffrey the Giraffe in a leather bar. 12." 13. Your sales display. You went overboard with your GI Joe Militia display by adding the Tonka truck full of fertilizer. 6. "Barbie's Struggle for Survival in Post-Nuclear Holocaust Malibu" was not exactly an overwhelming success. Jaws of life needed to pull your knees out of your chest after you jackknifed a Big Wheel. "Nope". "I wanna stay here in the front seat with you. "Want to go in the back seat?" she asked. In the middle of their conversation. the doctor casually says. she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. When he finally gets himself to the doctor. it's still in the CRATE!" A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination." A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. She says. and on his honeymoon night in the motel room. and wired it all together. Impromptu demonstrations of why Malibu Ken is not anatomically correct. 1. if you know what I mean. Got caught doing your Dolly Parton impression with basketballs again. I don't". "Bite me." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage. "You need to stop masturbating. an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl. It should be okay next week." The Kentuckian and his gal were embracing passionately in the front seat of the car. 10. you stick your head in an Easy Bake Oven and threaten to "end it all. A little too much joie de vivre while demonstrating the erector set. The "My Little Taxidermy Kit" (with starter squirrel) is not selling. Writhing in agony. 8. 4. "Why Doc? Am I going blind?" ." The guy replies. "Look at this. 9. They start talking as the doctor is examining his eyes. "You'll be the first.

After great meditation and discussion they concluded: "Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff. "How often a week do you sleep with your wife?" asked the inquirer. SWFWHBTP -.44 The doctor says. You lisina to me. Ma reached over and slapped Pa.Cigar-Wielding President 8. RHMI -." A guy walks INTO a psychiatrist's office covered only in Saran Wrap. They decided that the only course of action left was to create an 11th Commandment to get their message across.Moon walking Single-Gloved Straight/Gay White/Black Male/Female King Of Pop With Predilection For Young Boys 7.Show Tune-Loving Straight Male 4." the inquirer said. "No. Pa said what was that for? Ma said for knowing the difference. Ma said what was that for? Pa said for forty years of bad sex." A man was going door-to-door doing a sexual survey in Jeff's neighborhood. a biga home .Heroin Addict with Great Sense of Humor 5.Will Screw Ugly Bastards for Cash An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. Now." Jeff said without hesitation. I can clearly see your nuts!" Ma and Pa where rocking on the front porch when Pa turned and slapped Ma. CWP -. They were troubled because the President of the United States was behaving in an inappropriate manner and there were many people who saw nothing wrong in what he had done. STLSM -.Really Hip Macarena Instructor 6. WSUBFC -. the Pope and Moses. she's my wife. "I've felt so weird lately. but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room. EHWC -. some day you goin a be runna da bussiness. But grandpa I really don't like guns. He says to the doctor. WARSADAP -.Janet Reno Look-Alike 9. lotsa money. "Well. so you will always remember me. "That is once more often than your neighbor. Doc. Ma said oh and continued rocking. Top Ten Acronyms Least Used In Personal Ads 10. writing. how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead. "That makes sense. "Three times. MSG S/G W/B M/F KOPWPFYB -." Last week a very important meeting took place among God.Extremely Hairy White Chick 2." Jeff said. you goina have a beautiful wife. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol. "after all. JRLA -. can you tell me what's wrong?" The doctor replied.Single White Female Who Has Blown the President 3. the problem remained exactly how to word this new commandment so that it matched the other commandments in style and holy inspiration. HAWGSOH -.Works At Radio Shack and Drives A Pinto and the Number One 1.

some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man. Today is the viewing" One fine morning in Eden. At the séance. "I thought it died yesterday. 'I don't belong here. I knew this would happen. The same nurse says. washing herself out. a soft breeze. John. this is Martha. There are azure skies. we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.. "It did. the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. she called out. "She's down at the river. "Well. Well.45 and maybe a couple od bambino." "What do you do all day?" asked Martha." On little Larry's first day of first grade. "Oh John. Where is Eve now?" Adam replied. The principal and the first grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he belonged. God was looking for Adam and Eve.. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say. we nap until two and then make love again until about five. Martha. but couldn't find them. "John. the young man died in a car wreck. 'What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?' asked the teacher. 'I don't belong here. "Adam. . eat some good breakfast. The teacher suggested they try some biology questions.m. Unfortunately. "Is that what heaven really is like?" "Heaven? I'm not in heaven. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her." There were two lovers. "now all the fish will smell funny. "What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't?' asked the teacher. you have sinned. what is it like where you are?" "It's great. 'Legs!' Larry immediately replied. True to her word." Martha was somewhat taken aback. a few weeks later. Later in the day God saw Adam and asked where he and Eve were earlier. this is John. who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. "TIMES UP"? A man at a retirement home was walking around with his zipper down holding his penis. A young nurse says "Why are you doing that?" He replies. Adam said. he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the room and said." "Damn. I should be in third grade!' The teacher looked at little Larry's records and told him to please take his seat. They vowed that if either died. and there's nothing but making love until noon. his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. "The morning Eve and I made love for the first time." "Oh that's terrible!"." says God. Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said. After lunch. sunshine most of the time. the nurse replied The next day the man has his penis hanging outside of his pants again. I should be in the third grade!' Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Larry's problem. After dinner. "It died today. where are you?" "I'm a bull in Montana." The man replies. 'Pockets!' said Larry. they soon discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of. Martha. we get up before sunrise." Martha tearfully asked." God said." "Well. the grass is so green and the cows have such beautiful eyes. then. I can hear you. "Yes Martha.

Back to the weight guesser they went." The instructor said. Tom and Harry. Her roommate. answered 'several times a night'. saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result. "I want to get weighed. and completed the exam with tremendous skill. it read 117 and she won a prize." said the girl. on the other hand. The only man left was his minister and to his surprise the king. Normally. Immediately after his arrival he summoned the queen's private bodyguards to his foyer and having dispatched all attendants ordered them to undress. it would slice any elongated object that ventured anywhere within an inch of the queen's waist. on inspection found the only man who had a penis left on him! Pleased with his minister's loyalty he asked him as to what punishment would befit all the others and in reply received only a blubbering sound from the minister's mouth. which was worth 50% of the total mark. He guessed 120 pounds." she said." "That's right. The mechanism was simple. only the first and last letters were visible. "During the exam. she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. John figured she was really weird and took her home early.. Waura. "I want to get weighed. although when he was aroused. which is also worth 50% of the mark. Since they had been there before. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved. "How'd it go?" Kim responded. All of them had lost their penises! He next summoned the palace guards and the result was the same. Fearing an error. John again asked Kim what she would like to do.46 The teacher looked at the principal. By mid-afternoon he realized that there was not a single male soul in the vicinity who had not made a valiant attempt only to be left peniless (pun). "Oh. The king was short in vital parts and the queen had to seek solace with every Dick. this fellow finds himself standing next to a tall Jamaican at the urinal. They ambled over to the weight guesser.. asked her about the blind date." replies the bloke. A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. Having set his trap the king set off on a hunting trip and returned to his palace after spending a sleepless week and burning with curiosity. After some time the king grew suspicious of the queen's escapades and wanted to punish the subjects willing to risk their lives for a fling with her. "And that's how it's going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off." There once lived a king and a queen who ruled a large kingdom. The magician built an invisible contraption that was attached to the queen's waist. Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. she called the instructor." she responded. "I want to get weighed. she prepared carefully for weeks. the tattoo spelled out W -E-N-D-Y. When the results came back. I missed those last two questions!' This sex researcher phones one of the participants in a recent survey of his to check on a discrepancy. Now they're on their honeymoon at a resort in Montego Bay. Laura. . I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the muffler. She got on the scale. He sought the services of his court magician to help identify the culprits. 'Maybe he should be in third grade. he had his bride's name tattooed on his love muscle. dropping her off with a handshake. "What would you like to do first. When time for the practical exam approached. he guessed her correct weight. Kim?" asked the man. you took the engine apart perfectly. learning all she could. but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting. One night. Your wife." John took his blind date to the carnival. He asks the bloke. and John lost his dollar." This fellow was so deeply in love that just before he was married. By this time. When the ride was over. in the men's room. "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse you answered 'twice weekly'. You put the engine back together again perfectly. it was wousy. signed up for evening classes and attended diligently. who said.

mon. Lately she sits at the computer naked. has the letters W-Y tattooed on his penis. Chang said. "Take off all your clothes and you crawl real fass away from me across the froor. "I'm warming up your dinner!!" There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived?" "He was on top ". Dr.. she screams "A colon backslash enter insert!" 2. the computer screen is all fogged up. . The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underwear. husband comes downstairs in the morning and the wife asks what he'd like for breakfast "Oh I think I'll have a shag please!" So they go upstairs have a shag then he goes to work. 7. Lipstick on the mouse. "you haf real bad case of Ed Zachary disease. " said the doctor..that when your face rook ED-ZACHARY rike your ass!" Top Ten Signs Your Spouse May Be Having an On-Line Affair 10. she decided that it was time to see a doctor. He's gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand.worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex probrem." The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Ed Zachary Disease was and he replied. Half hour later he walks in the house and finds his wife sliding up and down the banister! "What are you doin?" he asks.. 9. 3. "What would you like for lunch dear?" "Oh I think I'll have a shag please!" So again they shag and he returns to work. Mine reads. he always has a cigarette. She makes sarcastic remarks about your "software". Chang." he says.. After signing off. Newly married couple both nymphomaniacs. "Excuse me. he notices that this man. "You will have a boy!" the doctor exclaimed. "I was on top ".. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive. 8. she came upon a Chinese sex therapist named Dr. When the woman arrived.. was the reply.47 To his amazement. "Ed Zachary Disease. In hopes of finding a solution to her problem. In the morning. 5. During sex. Looking thru the phone book." and she did. too.you crawl real fass back to me. "Welcome to Jamaica.. "you will have a baby girl. Do you have a girlfriend named Wendy?" "No way. she replied. Husband comes home for lunch. mon." She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr. 6. 4. have a nice day. "Now. she told the doctor her symptoms and he said. 1. I work for the Tourist board. "but I couldn't help noticing your tattoo. Chang shook his head and said.'" A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. The fax file is filled with pictures of someone's butt.. The second woman was asked the same question.

" he said. Has anybody seen MY cock?" All the nuns. cried all the time and threatened suicide. never settling on anything.he can't shorten a perfectly good penis.48 With this. though of course he thinks it's all a bit odd. I got a boyfriend. "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up.. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a guy with some excitement. But he sets off into the forest and sure enough finds the witch sitting in front of her cottage casting spells. When I was 28. no. the third women. "please help me. but he was too emotional. Story of a Woman who just turned 47 When I was 16. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up. Because he's so desperate he decides he'll go and see her. but he does happen to know a witch who lives in the forest. but directionless. There's a man who has fifty inch long penis.. So I decided to find a guy with some ambition. So I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life. no. He was great fun initially and very energetic. but there was no passion. "No. She might be able to help. I am now 47 and am looking for a guy with a big dick. In college I dated a passionate guy. and your wife is on the back of the milk carton. "Witch. The Perfect Breakfast As a Man Sees It You‘re sitting at the table and your son is on the cover of Wheaties. But he can't get any sex. I have a fifty inch long penis and no one will have sex with me!" . When I was 25. "that wasn't what I meant. but I couldn't keep up with him. impetuous things and flirted with everyone he met. he asked the congregation. I found a smart ambitious guy with his feet planted firmly on the ground and married him. During Mass. He was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. burst into tears. two priests and a goat stood up.. "Am I going to have puppies?‖. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up. a blonde." he said.. So I decided I needed a guy with stability. "No. because every woman who sees it faints at the sight. The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. He rushed from one thing to another. three altar boys. he tells the man. But the doctor refuses ." he says. I found a very stable guy but he was boring. I hoped that one day I would have a boyfriend. Everything was an emergency. no. your mistress is on the cover of Playboy. He did mad. he was a drama queen. When I turned 31. and ran off with my best friend. When I was 18. "No. He made me miserable as often as happy. "that wasn't what I meant. "that wasn't what I meant. took everything I owned. He was so ambitious that he divorced me. So he goes to the doctor and begs him to shorten it. "What's the matter?" asked the doc. But one Saturday night the cock went missing! The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning. I found an exciting guy." he said.

.his cock shoots up. shocked.. "I'll just pick it up and leave. But there's a recruitment test. another ten inches off would be perfect! "Frog. sit on the bench with a little bell tied to the end of their cocks.they were both excellent workers. waiting expectantly.. sit on the bench. and must leave at once. please marry me!" "No . So he called Mary in first. "You do need my help. his penis has shrunk by ten inches! It's still a bit long for sex. can you jack off. tell her you're God. so there was only one solution . for he will be sorely troubled with sexual thoughts while he is in our midst.. go on." Well. we must be sure that you won't be troubled by sexual impulses if join the order. still. I'm married to God.. "I can't do that.. "quick. naked butt upwards. He won't be allowed to join our order. sure enough. annoyed. not a single bell rings.more layoffs. any man whose bell rings will have failed the test. Not a sound. will you have sex with me?" "Oh no.I told you once!" the frog croaks. I've got a terrible headache?" This bloke gets on a bus and sees a nun he rather fancies. it's all too much for him ." So the men. and all you have to do is lie on one of the tombstones dressed in white robe with a false beard.sure enough. "I'm sorry. But you must go into the forest and find the magic frog who lives in the pond.." he began. he knows that if you don't ask you don't get. He was obviously going to have to interview them both and then decide." So he bends down. and attach this bell to the end of your penis. so he thinks that's that. A man walks into a watch and clock store. But when he gets off the bus. young and old alike. shakes his head and shouts." replies the man.. I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off. the bus driver stops him .not a cock shop!" "Well. the man is desperate.but one had to go.. "I've got some bad news. "please marry me!" The frog looks extremely annoyed. When the naked woman comes into the room." she says. "I know how you can get to have sex with her!" "You do?" the guy says. Take your clothes off."Hey. at forty inches." he roars across the pond.. "Why don't you put two hands and a face on it?" The manager was having difficulty with profits and fixed costs.." The guy looks down . but he's delighted.. "I can't do that!" The man looks down . tell me!" "Every Saturday night she goes to the cemetery to pray.NO.. he thinks.Jack and Mary.. But there were only two possibilities . teasing the men as she goes. balls dangling. unzips his trousers and slaps his cock on the counter. Until she gets to the end of the line and pushes her butt into the man's face. confused and embarrassed... his penis has shrunk by ten inches again! It's now only thirty inches long! The guy thinks this is wonderful but. "No!" he croaks.. This was going to be a hard decision . the bell rings furiously and goes flying off across the room with the force of his erection. So we have a test for all our prospective members." She looked at him for a moment in silence then replied: "Well.49 She takes one look at his massive cock and then says. Anyhow. "No . seeing as how I'm a frog and you're a man.. he's disappointed. so he shouts back at the frog: "Oh. "Froggy.NO!" So this guy's tired of life and fed up with not getting sex. but he sees her point.. "I can't possibly do that. he finds the magic frog singing quietly to itself. Something to do with the black stockings maybe.. and she'll have sex with you!" . so he turns to her and says: "Sister. so he goes to join the monastery..AND FOR THE LAST TIME. this is a clock shop ." he shouts. Not a single erection. "My sons. She looks him straight in the eye and says "Put that away Sir. so off he goes into the forest.sure enough. and from behind him comes the tinkling of nine little bells. As the Abbott explains to the ten potential recruits. Well.. your penis will shrink by ten inches!" Weird though this is. The woman behind the counter doesn't bat an eyelid." he mumbles." he whispers. "please marry me!" The frog looks up. And. and equally qualified . Then the most beautiful young blonde with big tits waltzes into the room and starts walking slowly down the line. "I'm sorry. Ask him to marry you.. and each time he refuses..

"and you must have sex with me. his chance has finally come! "Genie. when they come back.95." cries the nun. but his time he offers $200 to anyone who can make the horse cry.00. keeping his hood low about his face. but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex. The same guy comes up to him.. "Like you do. so she didn't say anything. "it's just not long enough to go inside me!" ." says the male Martian. the horse laughs his head off.Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house. "but maybe we'd better check it out to be sure!" So. Only one guy says he can do it. Well.. then whispers to the horse and they go off to the bathroom. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. as you would. So she rubbed it out again." This guy's walking along the beach when he kicks a bottle.95. Amazingly. Sure enough.. As he finishes. and he whispers something in the horse's ear. he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish. and says: "Hey." he cries. but rubbed it out and went on with the class. But the next day when she came in. I'm the man in the bus!" "Ha-ha. I think. Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19. well. it's like this. this went on for a whole week." the man declares." The nun agrees without question.50 Well. after some discussion.. Mike and Maureen naturally want to know how they have sex. This week I showed him. So he asks the assistant. "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19. "give me a cock that touches the floor. the bigger it gets!" A guy walks into a bar with his horse and offers $100 to anybody who can make the horse laugh. she found the same thing again . The male Martian looks puzzled. there was the word "penis" again." it declaims.how did you do that?" "Simple. "Guess what? I'm the bus driver! A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. on Friday she went into the classroom to find chalked up: "See. The horse's owner goes over to the other guy. the harder you rub it. "I don't think this is going to work. I just gotta know . thinks the guy." Great. every day the word penis getting bigger.00 when all the others are only $19. She was a bit embarrassed. Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19. this time written slightly larger.95?" "Yeah." he demands. and Divorced Barbie for $265. Much to his surprise." he replies. Ken's furniture. hang on. "why is Divorced Barbie $265. Again next day. the guy is back in the bar with his horse again. "Ha-ha. Finally. "What's the matter?" "Well. "Why not?" he asks. he's skeptical.." she says. With a red face she rubbed it out and went on with the lesson. "I'm not God." she replies." "Hey. "Oh master. She goes straight to the point: "So how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. The first thing they see is a Martian couple." says Maureen. they all agree to swap partners for one night. and went on with the lesson. "How much is Barbie?" "Well. Sure enough. He's got only a tiny penis about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. disappointed beyond belief. the horse is sobbing.. as she is desperate not to lose her virginity. So the following week. "last week I told him I had a bigger cock than him.95.. Ken's car. Ken's boat. Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19. Well." the guy asks. a genie flies out. Barbie Goes Shopping for $19. the nun comes in and begins to pray. "your wish is my command. but why not? So Saturday night sees him in the cemetery.95."penis". so he goes along with it and enjoys his romp with her." Whereupon both his legs fell off.. he's pretty desperate too. "I am God.95. It's 2022 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles." The teacher walked into the classroom to find the word "penis" chalked in small letters on the board. in larger letters.

The subject is quite simple: the joy of owning dick. his cock grows wider and wider until it's huge! "Wow!" shouts Maureen. Bill came home one day white-faced. Sure enough. and he drops 'em.. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. "Well. Bill looked at her. it misbehaves." A few customers back was this teen-age boy. he tells the checker that he too has forgotten to get condoms. . Drop your pants please. His wife. it's ready to uncoil. and she picks up the intercom and announces. "that's very impressive.he'd be too embarrassed. He'd been employed there for years when he came home one day and told his wife he had a terrible compulsion." says the male Martian." Wow. "but it was pretty wonderful. suggested that he saw sex therapist to talk about it. and vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. picks up the store intercom and says. It dangles neatly down below. So he asks the checkout girl if she could have someone bring them. but Bill refused .. "One box of medium sized condoms to check out 10. so. when he gets to the check out. His testicles on either side. It starts to grow so quickly when a guy's about thirteen." "No. She replies. but I'll just check your size. Bill." replied Bill. but it's still quite narrow. you didn't. erecting when it shouldn't. Mike says to Maureen." she moaned. passionate love. gives him a quick feel. it's smooth and mostly hairless. When he gets to the register. She asks him what size. she asks him to drop his pants to check his size. his cock grows till it's actually pretty long. Bill. she got fired too. "Well. he thinks. With each pull. and he says he doesn't know. It seems to have a mind all of its own. "My God. I'll try to make it quick. "One box of large condoms to check out 10. it's softly warm and loyal." This man's in the line at the supermarket check out. His wife knew something was seriously wrong. With each slap. Bill. "My God. An organ with such lovely skin. She reaches over the counter. "Clean up crew to check out 10!" Bill worked in a pickle factory. what happened?" "I got fired. before they fall into bed and make mad." he says. A penis is a splendid thing. Sometimes. this is great service. Sir. "all I got was a terrible headache. he tells the checker he needs some condoms bringing up. But at the slightest hint of lust. grabs his cock. what's wrong?" she asked. and starts to slap his forehead with his hand. But when he gets to the register he realizes he's forgotten to pick up his condoms. just when you 'spect it least. you ladies should be jealous. yes. and he'd never had any sexual experience with a woman. He thought what he'd seen was just so cool." says Mike. So a few weeks later. the next man in line thought this was interesting and. She just kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears." "No problem. and he starts pulling his ears. Next day the two couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along." Well. and asks if she could have some brought up to the register. How about you?" "It was horrible. I mean what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh." she says. "Of course. It squirms and writhes and stretches out. "Yes. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh Bill. it's like an untamed beast. So she asks him to drop his pants for her to check. he said. so this seemed like his big chance. I did. was it any good?" "I hate to say it.51 "No problem. terribly concerned. his willy in between." I have a little poem. picks the store intercom and announces. horrified." replies Maureen.. One quick feel.

Left to its own devices. sir. do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?" "Sure. 3. "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says. taking care of business. Later you may ask yourself. Once you've started playing with it. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?" "Umm. 8. but must admit defeat. or you'll be thrown in jail. for it will give great pleasure. "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies." The man asks. It has some splendid functions. sunning on the beach. OK. During summer. "Ah. Whatever it is doing. no shag would be complete.now when did I last measure? Some men will fret about their size: they give it lots of thought. that is a new piece of information. "Thanks. Just suck and fondle. until one's old and frail. there's no way they can pee! Masturbating is a sin . Bob says. it uses yours. wearing little.at least some folks believe. I'll help you. it can spread viruses. it will do the same damn dumb things it did before. man. be sure you never chew. and Bob points for him. Lesbians can try their best. puts it back in and zips it up. The guy has no arms. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him." Then the man says. ever bend! Why E-mail Is Like a Penis 1. I really appreciate it. I often check if it has grown . That's just some old wives' tale. but what the hell's wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says. And so I'd say with certainty That every man just loves his tool: But girls. 5. Some people have it. "Uh. I'm sure you will agree: To start a whole new life. If you're not careful what you do with it. and reeks something awful. Instead. scabs. It's more fun when it's up. "No problem. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.to pee! But what seems most amazing about my one-eyed flute. moles. but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?" "And did you know we milk the . Brown. some don't. Without this super organ. it's hard to stop. "I don't know." Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps. But handle it with love and care. If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures. it will warp your behavior. "Why on earth did I do that?" It has no conscience and no memory. lick and play. And better yet. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. and then I wish it wouldn't. It has its own agenda. Bob then shakes it. 2. rashes. he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. with hair clumps. "Mr. "OK. and more than that . but it makes it hard to get any real work done. But if another glances back at them. wondering what they'll see. Those who have it would be devastated if it were cut off." A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. it knows which juice to shoot. yeah. OK. It can be up or down. It has no brain of its own. it can get you in big trouble. Being a kind soul.52 A bumpy train ride sets it off. no matter how good your intentions. it stays with one. Somehow. And never. Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. scars. 7. 6. Don't take it out in public though. A glimpse of wobbly boobs or bums will make it squirm and reach. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do. 'cause it really can relieve. sure. As Bob's standing there. The guy tells Bob. 9. They sneak a look in toilets. Is seven inches long enough? It makes them quite distraught." Bob says. but I ain't touching it. 4.

"Well. Of course. that's good. so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God. "What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?" asked the woman. In loving you lie about the one you caught. A few parts shy of an erector set . You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.. the woman did not particularly enjoy giving head. while she was in the middle of praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the bus at the next stop. "I wanted to buy my husband a pet. Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither and don't want to know how many other fish you caught. but only screwing you once a year. Would you like to see it?" "$50. It gives blow jobs." said the clerk. The husband looks up at her and says. so on Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. that's interesting. that's bad." A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat.. If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are god and you could command her to have sex with you. her husband was a bit skeptical. "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you". She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift. The clerk said.00. In fishing you lie about the one that got away. you don't have to lie and promise to still be friends after you let it go. but. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun." Well. looking through cookbooks. and she'd never have to do that again. The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. wouldn't you go mad. "Well. the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day. "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50. but all of yours are so expensive". When the bus starts on its way the driver says to the hippie. She got up to go see what was going on. "It's a special frog. You can catch a fish on a 20-cent night crawler. Brown. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were very expensive. what's the point?" "Lady. Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing. Performing with Flaccido Domingo 13.00?? For a Frog??" asked the woman. she said. About two in the morning. "I AM GOD" I have heard your prayers and I will answer them BUT . At midnight sure enough the nun showed up. sitting at the kitchen table like best buddies. if I can teach this frog to cook. The woman went to bed that night relieved knowing she'd never have to give another blow job. Top 15 Euphemisms for Impotence 15. too?" A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet. If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie minimum. your ass is outta here. The hippie says that he'd love to know. she thought his was a heck of a deal. first you must have sex with me. You can catch and release a fish. The hippie decides this is a great idea.53 cows twice a day?" "Mr. After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts "Ha. Ha Ha I'm the hippie!!" Then the nun jumps up and shouts "Ha Ha Ha I'm the bus driver!!" Why Fishing is Better Than Sex When you go fishing and you catch something. She'd get her husband a gift he'd surely enjoy. 180 degrees shy of heaven 14. The woman decided to buy the frog. she woke up to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. When she got to the kitchen she saw her husband and the frog. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. She went to the counter and questioned the clerk. but said for sure he'd try it out that night. If you're making love and you catch something. so.

"But Barbie comes with Ken" Santa says. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed. "I have good and bad news for you.." The mother interrupts her and says. right?" The son says. Barbie only 'cums' with GI Joe!" A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. She is rushed to the hospital.54 12. my. Less-than-Magic Johnson 4. comes to his mother and says. she is unharmed. "I want a Barbie and a GI Joe" says the little girl. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet." The mother explains everything. test. Welcome to Flaccid City. "Mom. are. and she assures her daughter that everything is okay. and eventually your children will pass the bullets naturally. right?" The mother goes on to tell the daughter the story. and I passed a bullet. she pulls back the covers. When she arrives and sits down on Santa's lap Santa asks "What do you want for Christmas little girl?". Unleavened Man-Bread A little girl goes to see Santa Clause at the local shopping mall. the strangest thing just happened. He struggles again to ask. back? A pregnant woman is in the bank when the bank is robbed.. and says "There is nothing wrong with them!" Finally. Luckily. also a daughter. the first child. Mom — I was masturbating and shot the dog!" . raises his gown. a daughter. they have hit no vital organs. Serving boneless pork 1. The Null Monty 9. Population: You 2." The mother interrupts him and says. comes to her mother and says. After giving a full examination.. "No. "Nurse. A gunfight breaks out.. Twelve years pass. I'm only here to wash your hands and feet". You are going to have triplets — but each baby has a bullet in it. Sch-wing and a miss 11. the second child. Not rising to the level of impeachable offense 10. "Mom.. Taking the gold at the Lake Flaccid Olympics 7.. "No.. "That was very nice but. Miraculously. the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies. a son. "You passed a bullet. "You passed a bullet. the strangest thing just happened — I was using the toilet. the strangest thing just happened." he mumbles from behind the mask. Ascension Deficit Disorder 6. A few weeks later. the doctor tells her. Several weeks later. "Nurse. holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look. though. and she is shot 3 times in the abdomen. All Doled up with nowhere to go 3. the third child. comes to her mother and says." The woman has 3 healthy babies. "I don't know. Bouncing the Check of Love 5.. the young nurse replies. results. "Mom. and she has all but forgotten the incident in the bank. One day. are my testicles black?" Finally. Disappointing Miss Daisy 8.

"What size?" The man replies." * A prison guard is shaving your head. so she tells him to go to the back yard and measure his dick by sticking it into each of the three holes in the fence. They pack the truck and head off. medium." she says. * You met him in prison. or you give me a blow job or we have anal sex. I don't want to go in the morning. gee. your dick tastes like shit.55 A man goes into a drug store and asks the cashier for some rubbers. and if it was two inches smaller it would be the perfect penis!" One afternoon a man says to his wife. "What will it be? Small. He whips out his penis and says to her. the lady sneaks around to the other side of the fence and spreads her legs behind each hole as the man tests it. they high-five each other. "To hell with the rubbers.." "Yes.. "Size? I didn't know they came in sizes. The little girl asked the boy. what's it to be. we will head off at sunrise. the cashier asks. The girl again asks him what a penis is. The husband is furious and replies. me and the dogs are going pig shooting. Then he sees his dad on the couch.. or large?" The man replies. He goes up to his dad and ask him. He goes home and eats his lunch. * When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is. The wife is tired and replies. * He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose. They rise early in the morning and the husband says well. "I don't know. * He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger. you. as a matter of fact this is the perfect penis." * He tells you that he's never told a lie.. The lady is used to this. They get there late at night and the man says. "What is a penis?" The dad whips his out and says to the boy. "What size do you want?" "Well. I will give you 3 options. "This is a penis. they do. * He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser. the dog didn't want to go either." the man answers. I don't know." LAWYER JOKES YOU know you need a Different Lawyer when . What happens when you give Viagra to lawyers? They grow taller! . As soon as she starts she stops and says. * During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway." The boy leaves to go find his friend and brings her to the woods.. "This is a penis. give me a hundred feet of that fence back there!" There is a little boy and a little girl in the woods. The wife isn't to pleased but realizes it's one or the other. "What is a penis?" The boy replied. When the they return. She isn't pleased but decides to give him a blow job. The cashier asks. He replies: "Yeh. me and the dog shoot. you. While the man is back there." At that time he hears his mum calling him for lunch.

"MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed. it caught fire. Finally." "Well. "Tommy. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!" A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. "NOOO!" he screamed. he's dead. and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line. the receptionist who fielded the calls began to realize it was always the same voice." replied the priest. do you?" A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor. "I'm sorry. and I just like to hear you say it. "No. but his firm kept receiving calls asking to speak with him. back. I am. (at this point some of you are probably wondering how the trucker could distinguish the lawyers from the humans. Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him. replied Tommy. . when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there. and then swerve back onto the road. and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce. so she asked who it was and why he kept calling. "HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. One attorney turns to his associate and comments "Boy. were overheard talking at the zoo one day.in fact. and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. not yet old enough to be in school. He asked the priest." he asked. Tommy replied. so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. I would like to fuck her! The other attorney thinks for a second and said "Out of what"? One day. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. What's yours?" asked the first boy. there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car. "Where are you going. Obviously he saw the trail of slime they left!) One day. "My name is Billy. and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds. The lawyer turns around. Suddenly." "Honest?" asked Billy. the river overflowed. it's so large. "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked. it never would be the same.56 Two attorneys were walking out of a bar and a beautiful young lady walks by. and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues. and neck. The reply: "I used to be one of his junior associates. they have to do a brain transplant. just the regular kind". enjoy the load." was the standard answer. "This is a ripoff .how come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?" The doctor replies. but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains . A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. satisfying "THUMP". The lawyer replied. "My Daddy's a lawyer. "Gee. Father?" "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road. "how did you start the flood?" Two small boys. All you care about is your possessions.there's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce. a cop came by. because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it." replied the second. The outraged lawyer says. Finally. "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well. "Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman." A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers. What are you doing here?" The doctor replied. "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?" The crusty old managing partner finally passed away. he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders. I'm a lawyer. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor. a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce. and it's inoperable ." The lawyer looked puzzled. "My Daddy's an accountant. "Yes.

"First. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him.57 "No problem. He thought a minute and said. it's so large. but his firm kept receiving calls asking to speak with him. When asked by her best friend to identify the new lover. "I got him with the door!" Generous lawyer A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. and it's inoperable .in fact. so at the last minute he swerved back away. so she asked who it was and why he kept calling. "Um . they have to do a brain transplant. "So if I don't give any money to them. get down on my knees and give you the best blow job of your life. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied. and I just like to hear you say it.but what's in it for me?" A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor. she was puzzled: "All I know for sure is that it was a partner .000. Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything. said simply. "I'm sure you could .. the receptionist who fielded the calls began to realize it was always the same voice. but was interrupted again. did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness." . Finally.. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500. he turned to the priest and said. "I could push this red button. you give not a penny to charity. I almost hit that lawyer. he still heard a loud "THUD"." "That's okay". His doctor gives him a choice of available brains . no. The reply: "I used to be one of his junior associates. a disabled veteran. narrowly missing the lawyer. replied the priest. "I'm sorry. and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed. "or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident. "I'm sorry Father. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. he's dead." A new female associate was romantically ambushed in a darkened room at her new firm. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "I had no idea. and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce." On a roll. why should I give any to you?" An attractive woman found herself alone in the elevator with a lawyer. Father! I'll give you a lift. the lawyer cut him off once again." was the standard answer.. completely beaten.he made me do all the work." The lawyer interrupts. The outraged lawyer says. Climb in the truck. "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?" The crusty old managing partner finally passed away. a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce." the lawyer's voice rising in indignation.there's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce. "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep. "or that my brother." she purred. to her surprise and delight. is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology.. the United Way rep mumbled.how come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?" The doctor replies. "This is a rip-off .

"That's what I thought.58 The plumber presented his customer. "So. The lawyer was outraged. The specialty of the day is brains . perplexed. An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.'" An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight. Livingston.who would build a robot to do nothing? There's a true story about a convicted con man who was recently found to be impersonating a lawyer in New York City. "Judge Garber has just died" said the attorney." Children who never come when called will grow up to be doctors. "I should have suspected he wasn't a lawyer." Replied the governor "Well. A lawyer's job is secure . in Spanish. put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head. insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency. Gringo. sautéed architect brains for twenty-five bucks. he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina. asks the waiter why the attorney brains are so costly.fried doctor brains for twenty bucks. that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina. "You're under arrest. and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down. Children who come before they are called will grow up to be lawyers. After a lengthy search. He was always so punctual and polite. it's a shame to wake him. saying "I don't even make that kind of money ." Any time a lawyer is seen and not heard. To which the judge remarked. The terrified bandit blurted out. what is it?" grumbled the governor. The waiter snorts. and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. "Do you know what a job it is to clean those suckers?" A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. and said. a lawyer. Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titanic. with a bill charging rates of $500 an hour. finds a cannibal restaurant. when I was a lawyer. a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message.doesn't that seem a bit steep?" The plumber replied. "and I want to take his place. Stanley Livingston. in deepest Africa. its OK with me if its OK with the undertaker. "He said 'Get lost. snuck up behind him. and roasted attorney brains for two hundred bucks. a reward was offered for his capture. Finally. Having lawyers make laws is like having doctors make diseases. The lawyer answered. You wouldn't dare shoot me." . Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out!" But the bandit didn't speak English.

you be first. Adolf Hitler. "I didn't have the money to pay his fee. "If I wasn't under oath. Amie." It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets. How about you." sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. The lawyer said. "I don't mind all this attention. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line. Billy's father answered the door." "Why ?" asked the judge. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing. there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. A housewife. scuffed her feet and said. Peter. "How much do you want it to be?" Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time. You have a revolver with two bullets. and after a long trial. dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice. "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine. When Satan heard this. "I'm actually an attorney. "She's a doctor. What do you do? A: Shoot the lawyer twice! When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet. God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. and a lawyer. "Tim. Peter replied. "He won your acquittal. Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced. the jury acquitted him. Amie?" Amie shyly stood up. an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?" The housewife replies: "Four!". The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation." "You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background. St. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?" A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. your honor. What do you want to have him arrested for ?" "Well. he laughed and said. To his surprise. "Your honor." replied Carlson. "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea." The lawyer pulls the drapes. The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. "Well." she said. I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients." "Thank you. and greeted him warmly." replied the witness. To his dismay. Billy's father said." he said. Then St. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was. I'd return the compliment. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice." That's wonderful." The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. go and bury 20 of them.59 Q: You're stranded in a deserted island with Attila the Hun. "What about your father. but what makes me so special?" St." said the teacher. and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!" A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse. "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?" . and into a comfortable chair by his desk. so he went and took the car I stole. "My father is a mailman. A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.

the tooth fairy.". the lawyer. The sheriff looked at the bears. nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigar and we have so much of them. an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. "Why did you switch?" "Well. Sure enough. along came two huge Bears . Peter looks in his book and says." A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country. opens the window. and throws the Lawyer through it. they had a splendid time in the country . though. On one particular occasion. 2.60 Santa Claus. correct?" The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies. the other three are mythological creatures. "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied. the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place. to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. but I can't do that." replied the stonecutter. One more time. and says: "In USSR. "Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer. he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle thru it. an American and a Lawyer are in a train.a male and a female. tore into town as fast has he could. that we can just throw them away. All the others are quite impressed. he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. "people will read it and exclaim. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer. the American just stands up.." Yes. and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. "I said he was in the other!" "Exactly. Well." A Russian. everybody is quite impressed. Each summer. the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. And the list goes on for quite awhile. took careful aim. eager to get a freebee off a lawyer. seeing the two bears.. Early one morning. "Certainly will. The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. immediately dashed for cover." responded the lawyer... However. that we can just throw it away. second." St. drinks it. "In this state. Who gets it? The old drunk. leveled his gun. and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes. Overcharging fees to many clients. And we have so much of it. of course.rising early and living in the great outdoors. gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities. After he had made his selection. we have the best cigars of the world: Havana. The Cuban takes a pack of Havana's. while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. "Wait. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful.Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty. The friend. At this time.Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case.. "That's Strange!" At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another. . "Yes." St. the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no. 3. lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba. agreed. His friend. pours some into a glass. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer.. I see. "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?" The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy. the lab assistants don't get so attached to them. However. I've done some charity in my life also. and got the local backwoods sheriff. He admits all these things. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer." Saying that.. a Cuban." replied the sheriff. pointing to the male. Saying that. He just had to save his friend. and without batting an eye. nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in the Ukraine. "Sorry. As they went around the berry patch. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says. Peter is listing his sins: 1. The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack.. he throws the pack of Havana's thru the window. "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell. sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings. and SHOT THE FEMALE. I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer" "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer. we have the best vodka of the world..Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high. it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. takes one of them. the two bears were still there. for three reasons. Well. but argues." retorted the stonecutter. wasn't so lucky. A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone.

without a word. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today. came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash. and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven." After much thought and consideration.50 [attorneys don't carry cash -.and the butcher hadn't brought the shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office]. that darned old fool. I was a little worried about winning that case myself. because that durned bull came home this morning. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement. "Well. writes the butcher a check for $8. "Sorry. running about unleashed. but I put one over on you in there. After about another 5 minutes. "Sorry.61 A lawyer's dog." A group of Arab terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Convention. the deceased attorney's wife. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. More than a hundred attorneys were taken as hostages. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. I bluffed you!" The old rancher replied. "I said stop it!" The rear tiger says. the rear tiger once more licks the ass of the tiger in front. His plan was that when he passed away. who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness. telling the rancher. the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks. . "Oh. "You know. "Absolutely.the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation. Several periods of time later -.it could be the next day but that would be unrealistic -. anyway?" The rear tiger replies. The startled tiger turns around and says. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger." and they continue. A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. old man. up in the attic cleaning. Two tigers are stalking through the brush when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front." The rear tiger says. "Well. The lawyer did his best selling job. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. "What is it with you. do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers." What's the difference between an attorney and a trampoline? You take your boots off to jump on a trampoline. already. young feller. the old ambulance chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. Several weeks after the funeral. "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store. "Hey! Cut it out." "Then you owe me $8. "You can't take it with you. I'll tell you. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check.50. After about another 5 minutes. I hate to tell you this.it's too plebeian -." and they continue. The scene is a dark jungle in Africa. I couldn't have won the case." The lawyer. beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. I just ate an attorney and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!" A stingy old attorney. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store." she exclaimed. the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. was determined to prove wrong the saying.

She still thinks I'm a prostitute. but both were shaken up. they would release one attorney every hour. "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!" The attorneys looked at each other. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them. An attorney defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the attorneys. the attorney was eager to get to the injured. and walked out. As the attorney started to put the cap back on the flask the doctor asked. "Aren't you going to have one too." "Well put. the local sheriff came out. unless their demands were met." replied the attorney. The doctor took the flask with a shaking hand and belted back a couple of swallows. "Were they all dead?" The old farmer replied. "Using your logic. Being a clever sort. for your nerves?" "Of course I am. shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches. a car was involved in an accident. His arm is not himself. "Well. "after the Highway Patrol gets here." the judge replied. Lying in front of the car was a donkey. and the attorney offered the doctor a drink from a pocket flask." The defendant smiled." The crowd made way for him. Going by instinct. I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. While sitting in a deck chair. I haven't seen you in years. "But don't tell my mother. some of them said they weren't. Angie took her first vacation on a luxury cruise ship. Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks." A bus load of attorneys were driving down a country road when all of a sudden the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field." A doctor and an attorney in separate vehicles collided on I-95 one foggy night. A few days later. Angela. The fault was questionable. but he couldn't get near the car. laid it on the bench. She crossed the deck and shook hands with her friend and said: "Hello. The old farmer after seeing what happened went over to investigate." . but you know how them attorneys lie. After years of hard work. he started shouting loudly. "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim. and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb. With his attorneys assistance he detached his artificial limb. a long-lost friend from her old hometown. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. An attorney was on vacation in a small farming town. He can accompany it or not. As expected a large crowd gathered. What are you doing these days?" "I'm practicing law. and then asked the old farmer." whispered Angela. she recognized a former high school classmate. as he chooses. saw the crashed bus. While walking through the streets.62 The terrorist leader announced that.

the expected arrival time. what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar. well. He sits down. let me see the next room. and frantically begins to put them on. but she passed away. What's the difference between an attorney and a herd of buffalo? The attorney charges more. "The seat is empty. people are standing with shit up to their noses. people are standing in shit up to their necks. son?‖ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. and advises them to relax and have a good flight." In the second room. The second guys says. and a bit about the weather. ―Hey. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says.‖ he says. Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home." Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. "No. the car won't start. could you fix it?" The husband says. ―They're all at the funeral. I wish my friends were back here. "Hey. stranded on a desert island. why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket. forgetting to turn off the microphone.. The snail says "What the hell was that all about?" A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Mr. the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married. He tells them at what altitude they‘ll be flying. there‘s a knock on the door. ―That kid never learns!‖ Later. Satan meets him. and it's raining pretty hard. That's terrible. Mr. there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says. find a magic lantern containing a genie. then calls the boy over and asks." she says. "I just need to outrun you. the seat belongs to me. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested. He opens it and sees the same snail. But couldn't you find someone else. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up. I‘ll do absolutely anything you want for $300. She says. A newlywed couple moves into their new house. The wife finds a leak in the roof. shows him doors to three rooms. or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob. Satan opens the door to the . digs out a pair of sneakers. "Honey. and the roof is fixed.63 What's the definition of a tragedy? A busload of attorneys crashes off a cliff and one seat is empty. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by. you know. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says. ―What did I tell you?‖ said the barber. son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?‖ The boy licked his cone and replied." A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. The second guy wishes the same. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them." she says. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." The guy replies." "Oh. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. Watch while I prove it to you. Guy says no again." "I don't need to outrun the bear. "Well. when the customer leaves. ―This is the dumbest kid in the world. In the first room. he says to his co-pilot. Then. Wife says: "Nothing. The third guy says "I‘m lonely. we call him a defense attorney. The first guys drops his backpack. the game is over!‖ It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final. and he comes home from work and his wife says. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.. and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice." said the man. in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking. "What do I look like. "What are you doing? Sneakers won‘t help you outrun that bear. who grants them each one wish. She says. "What do I look like. and says he must choose one to spend eternity in." On a passenger flight. "This is your lucky night. I had a handyman come in and fix them. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested. Plumber?" A few days go by. ―Which do you want. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future attorney? She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney. "What do I look like. "Honey. he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. a friend or relative. we call him an accomplice. So is the car." "Uh. and says." the first guy says. He asks his wife what happened. actually. one of the passengers stops her and says "Don‘t forget the coffee!" A guy meets a hooker in a bar. I think it needs a new battery. "Betty Crocker?" Three guys. I‘ve got a special game for you. Three years later." All the passengers hear it. ―Because the day I take the dollar. Finally. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. I'm so sorry to hear that. "Honey.‖ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other." A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door." "This is incredible. "Oh. slowly: "Paint…my…house. So is the plumbing. noticing that the seat next to him is empty. The guy says "no. as long as you can say it in three words. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. "No" says the neighbor. I was supposed to come with my wife..

(Jerry Seinfeld) A guy tells his psychiatrist: ‗It was terrible." "No." he says meekly. People are standing with shit up to their knees. here‘s a gal who‘s capable of making a decision she‘ll regret in the future. She asks the middle child what he wants. The gator opens wide. have a big lunch." he claims to the unimpressed agent. Have some more sex. It's Irv. hang on. "I'm not in heaven.for my whole life I've never receievd oral sex from my wife." he says." Satan says okay and starts to leave. "He says you‘re gonna die." The crowd agrees." A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing genie. "I don‘t know. I don‘t get it. He is losing his patience. Go to sleep." the other says. who is in agony. the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. and wake up the next day. lots of sex. come on. everyone buys me drinks. Sid and Irv are business partners. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. "Turn the lake into beer. 'Well. So Irv dies. He says. "O. "No. figures there is no afterlife." "Oh. Now we've got to piss in the boat. who is delivering a baby. If it works. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." he says. "So there is an afterlife! What's it like?" Sid asks. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend." the guys says to the dog. I think if you've got a Tshirt with a bloodstain all over it. The gator will close his mouth for one minute. cut a little X where the bite is. On the way out Satan yells. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside." Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. Do you have another wish?" The guys says 'Well. Huge dinner. "I'll give it a try. Everyone buys him drinks. That would be my wish. a pretty violent image there. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife." says Irv. Sport. I was away on business. After a minute. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. then open it. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. and he removes his genitals unscathed. in your opinion. "You jerk." the doctor says.. Some things just can't be changed. Then one day he gets a call. promises to grant him one wish. having seen enough. I see a woman with a tattoo. and I'll remove my unit unscathed. okay. "but I definitely don‘t want the fuckin‘ French toast." After a while. The mother is outraged at his language. Gator closes mouth. Then I go back sleep. "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle." he says. "Maybe she didn‘t see the email. More sex. "All dogs go ‗roof‘. I'm a bear in Yellowstone Park. "Well. a hand goes up in the back of the bar." The genie looks concerned. I guess that leaves more fuckin‘ French toast for me." The guy ruins back to his friend. "I‘ll have some fuckin‘ French toast." TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains. and I‘m thinking. was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" goes the dog. a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. And the talent scout. Everyone back on your heads!" A guy has a talking dog. and sends him away. "I pick this room. hits him. coffee break's over. The mother asks the oldest boy what he‘d like to eat. "This one will amaze you. He brings it to a talent scout. "I‘ll go into town for a doctor. I'm sorry. that's my wish.. but I get up for lunch. (Richard Jeni) Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money." says Sid "So that's what heaven is like?" "Oh no." The genie pauses for another moment and then says "How would you define peace?" . then says "No." the talent agent responds. "I can‘t leave. have a big breakfast. The guy says. He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. I get up. "what‘s on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. " He turns and asks the dog: "Who. He says to the other guy. wait.64 third room. Says to the patrons. He rubs it and a genie comes out." the guy says... Take a nap. Then I have sex. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. and I emailed my wife that I‘d be back a day early. "Peace in the Middle east. Sid doesn't hear from him for about a year. The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer. I sleep very late." he says. that's just not possible. ‗What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. and sends him upstairs. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town‘s only doctor. my god. suck out the poison and spit it on the ground. "Here‘s that $20 I owe you. ‗But here‘s what to do. "Here‘s a deal. She is livid." says the psychiatrist. smacks him." the guy says. "Okay. drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. boots them out of his office onto the street." I always look for a woman who has a tattoo.." Two Irish guys are fishing." she says. How could she do this to me?" "Well. As he's taking it off the hook. And the dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?" Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Oh. Take a knife." A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. It's a woman. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. "This dog can speak English. maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.K. "So what do you think?" The other guy says.

there's so much to live for!" "Like what?" "Well. Voice says." After weeks of this. I said. the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. He says. "Saul. I have twenty! Saul shouts. there are still a thousand others exactly like you. It‘s in the hole. go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand. "Bad food. The booming voice goes: "unfucking-believable!" A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he‘s allowed to say two words every seven years. I made a bet I can get more than two words out of you. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. sitting on a newspaper. (David Brenner) I went to the psychiatrist. "Saul . "Okay. (Jon Stewart) . take another card. "You‘ve done nothing but complain since you got here." he says. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. Nineteen. onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God. famed for his silence." He ignores it. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?" I have a large seashell collection. He has twenty. he relents. and I saw a man standing on the edge. "Die. They bring him in for his two words." "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant ? "Protestant. or Reformed Baptist Church of God. (Emo Philips) China has a population of a billion people. One billion. "Don't watch your money. sell your business.. Jesus is up next. watch your health. down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. but it‘s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. sells his store." the voice commands." He replied: "You lose. Like the night before that last earthquake hit. I stood up. He‘s dealt an 18. goes to a casino. and pushed him off. turned the page. "Saul. Saul gets an ace. we had an enormous feast. An eagle swoops down. They nod and send him away. It‘s another ace. and then I killed them and took their land. Twenty one. about to jump off. It was my grandfather. (Laura Kightlinger) At a White House party. a woman approached Calvin Coolidge. reformation of 1915?" He said. "That‘s not surprising. "Reformed Baptist Church of God. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot. So I said yes. the frog croaks and drops the ball. heretic scum". Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world." the elders say. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna fuck around?" Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul. Saint Peter looks at Jesus. our family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona. He gets another ace. grabs the frog. "Saul." He asks why. The voice says ‗Saul.Saul says. "Saul. and sat down again." I was walking across a bridge one day." He hesitates but knows he must. take the $3 million to Las Vegas. take a card." He obeys." Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. (Jackie Mason) I can‘t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name. "Saul. Whitney Brown) I was on the subway." What? The dealer has -. He slices it. having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. He breathes easy. (Bob Hope/Gene Perret) A guy shows up late for work. reformation of 1915!" I said. Hit me. After the first seven years. "I quit. It goes on for days. or why they‘re dead. go to Las Vegas. He clears his throats and says. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house. "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" "Christian. someone stole my money. St. sell your business for $3 million. Seven more years pass. The dealer has a six showing. (A. reformation of 1879.."Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him." he says. or how you met. exasperated." "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" "Baptist" "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" "Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God. take another card. Seven more years pass. (Ellen Degeneres) I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. and he says "You're crazy. President." So one day while I was watching my health. "Cold floors. are you religious?" He said yes. As the eagle flies over the green. and a guy comes over and asks "Are you reading that?" I didn‘t know what to say. "Well. It reaches the green." I tell him I want a second opinion. you're ugly too!" (Rodney Dangerfield) They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.65 My grandfather always said. and said "Mr. That means even if you‘re a one in a million kind of guy." They nod and send him away. (Steven Wright) Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough. Bounces off a truck.

and you give it to her. "Hey. listen to the radio… (Bill Braudis) I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out. (Brian Kiley) I know a guy who called up the Home Shopping Network. we‘re gonna do to you. "Father O‘Malley. "I charge $50 for three questions. then. come up and say "Boy. when somebody comes up. When I got there. when a stick-up man pulls out a gun and says "Your money or your life!" An extremely long silence follows. Anything you do to that chicken. the sign says you're open 24 hours. "I think you‘ve come to the wrong place. I‘m currently involved with a 28 year old girl. I‘m seventy eight years old. She could hardly walk after that. Kluck and Klan. Klu. She pays you with a $100 bill. You wrap it up. "Your money or your life!" the thug repeats. In the morning. "You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit" The mortician says "We‘ll take care of it. They said "Can I help you?" and he said "No. I don‘t know… look around." the lawyer says. "please God. bring him back. ma‘am" and yells back. you are drunk.66 A lady at a party goes up to Winston Churchill and tells him. But as she goes out the door you realize she‘s given you two $100 bills. Believe it or not. and the guy asked. (Redd Foxx) I failed my driver‘s test. Now. dying. Because someday they‘re going to be in a hospital bed.. I beg of you. He said. and in my entire life I‘ve never felt better." So I put down my knife and fork. (Dick Gregory) I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken. and I picked up that chicken. and also." He goes: "Not in a row!" (Steven Wright) Last time I was down South. and I kissed it. She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!" (Myron Cohen) A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. Why are you telling me?" And the guy goes: "I‘m telling everybody!" Jack Benny is walking down the street. driving through Customs.so now it's just a waiting game. "That‘s awfully steep. Finally Benny says "I‘m thinking!" After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. I was in a restaurant and ordered some chicken. you know the ones I mean." And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach. save my only grandson. "Ed. I shall be sober. "What was that?!" (Jack Handey) A guy asks a lawyer what his fee is. and sure enough. "my name is Emil Cohen." So I opened up the box." he says." My sister was with two men in one night." Churchill replies.. on the side. She pleads. (Bill Dwyer) A father is explaining ethics to his son. "Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. isn‘t it?" the guy asks. "Now what‘s your final question?" An old woman is upset at her husband‘s funeral." the lawyer replies. the doctor slapped my mother.. "No hablo ingles. "Do you have any firearms with you?" I said: "What do you need?" (Steven Wright) Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery." says the priest. her 19 year old sister. (Rodney Dangerfield) A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea." (Ronnie Shakes) I was so ugly when I was born. I said. I'm just looking. we‘re givin‘ you fair warnin‘. We engage in all manner of pleasure. "Madam. "Sir. who is about to go into business. you are ugly." (George Miller) I feel sorry for people who don‘t drink or do drugs. "Yes. the guy was locking the front door. Can you imagine? Two dinners! (Sarah Silverman) My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -. and these three cousins. here‘s where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?" (Henny Youngman) I was coming back from Canada. act like they just woke up and go. switch the heads on two and four!" . good as new. and they won‘t know why. (Henny Youngman) I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don‘t want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff." "My good man. The guy asked me "what do you do at a red light?" I said.

(Groucho Marx) A man goes to a psychiatrist and says.. "Why don't you turn him in?" The guy says. What is your second wish?' I said. my brother's crazy. But just because I said it. But we need the eggs. (Larry Miller) I was born a suspect. "Well. a gorgeous girl who immediately loved me." Sincerity is everything. my parents threw a going away party for me. so the other one could drive." Outside. (Jon Stewart) . Then he said." He said. lock their car doors.'" I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for member. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion. "How did you get such a huge orange head?" The guy says. Is that clear?" His son looks at him and says: "Too late.I said. Ten million dollars. A genie came out and said.. the baker's daughter?" "No.and I think this is where I went wrong. the butcher's daughter?" the preist asks. goes up for parole every year. pulls over. They moved to England. If I look up into the windows of the apartments I pass I can see old ladies on the phone." The guy who shot Robert Kennedy. the printer's daughter?" "No. I hate myself now. (Emo Philips) I was making love to this girl and she started crying. "No. "Douchebag!" the father yells. I'd like a huge orange head. it doesn‘t make it right. One snowman turns to the other and says. "That means somebody is talking about it. I'll grant you three wishes. son. he would speak in his favor and say let him go. I can walk down any street in America and women will clutch their purses tighter. Once he even told the parole board that if Kennedy was alive today. nearly causing an accident." As if someone is going to pay $200 a ticket to see a 57-year-old carpet salesman get hit in the face once and cry. That's a good thing. one day I was walking down the beach when I tripped over an old lantern." Last night. (Chris Rock) Two snowmen are standing in a meadow. "I got six months. What a tough break." (Rodney Dangerfield) A Catholic teenager goes to confession.. "Was it Mary Patricia. "We would. someone I could enjoy this money with. the boy's friends ask what happened. for that kind of money. (Steven Wright) There‘s always one of my uncles who watches a boxing match with me and says "Sure. he thinks he's a chicken.what is your first wish?' I said. far away.. I'd like a beautiful woman to love me. and turns to face his son. "Doc. "I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months. (Abraham Lincoln) Mario Andretti has retired from race car driving. all the money I could ever spend. They‘ve already dialed 9-1. He's getting old. you know? The one guy who would have supported him. hold onto their Mace." "Was it Mary Elizabeth. please bring me some coffee. and there it was. whatever you desire." says the boy. (Chris Rock) I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. "Well. according to the letter. you‘ve got it made. I'd like all the money I could ever spend. If you can fake that. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. If this is tea." he says. and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can't be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is. (Johnny Carson) I went to my doctor and told him "my penis is burning. I said. and he shot him. "Do you smell carrots?" A guy with a huge orange head goes in to see a doctor. and I don‘t ever want to hear you saying it. and there she was. (George Burns) A man is driving his five year old to a friend‘s house when another car races in front and cuts them off. the flashers in New York were only describing themselves. "I was angry at that driver." he says.' The genie went Poof!'. I‘d fight him." (Garry Shandling) If this is coffee. but that was no excuse for what I said. "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said.." says the priest. douchebag.and are just waiting for me to do something wrong. and I still won't tell!" 'Was it Mary Francis. And what is your third wish?'. and I said I wouldn't tell. (Paula Poundstone) I knew these Siamese twins. "No.67 The only thing I know about Africa is that it's far.' The genie went Poof!'. The doctor says. please bring me some tea. Sirhan Sirhan. "Your father just said a bad word. The boat ride's so long. but three good leads. "I promised not to tell!" he says." The doctor says. Then the genie said. You know. there are still slaves on their way here. About a thirty-five hour flight. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on.. it was so cold. It was wrong. (Steven Wright) When I went to college. 'Well.

the parrot is silent. (Steven Wright) Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson." "How‘s you get that?" the lawyer asks. they caught me cheating. and the others break up. The paramedic rushes over and says. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me. The chief then asks the second minister. He takes it to the synagogue on Rosh Hashonah and makes a wager that the bird can conduct the High Holiday service better than the temple‘s cantor. He gets nothing. "You have a choice – death." That‘s now escalated into "You care care of yourself. but my friends scare me." the lawyer argues. they'd say "Thank you. and you‘re the funniest guy I‘ve ever seen.C. "Number 37!" cracks the first comic. which I also keep handy." The chief says. "No. "Now you have a choice. One of my friends told me she was in labor for thirty six hours. Peter: "We added up your time sheets. (Rita Rudner) New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move. Even the people I know don‘t give me anything. I want to take you home and give you the hottest night of sex you‘re ever had." He says "well. according to out calculations. death or ugga bugga. (Richard Lewis) Animals may be our friends. (Woody Allen) If I ever have twins." "Fifty five?" says Saint Peter. "Don‘t put off that mammogram. But they won‘t pick you up at the airport. "Are you comfortable?" The guy says: "I make a good living. He takes the bird home and is about to kill it when the bird finally speaks: "Schmuck! Think of the odds we‘ll get on Yom Kippur!" At the airport they asked me if anybody I didn‘t know gave me anything. UGGA BUGGA! Three comedians are shooting the breeze at the back of a nightclub after a late gig. I'd use one for parts. Finally. I guess ugga bugga." The other day I paid my check – the waiter said. I used to pay my check." A guy has a parrot that can sing and speak beautifully. "44!" he quips." they answer. or am I crazy?" (Gilbert Gottfried) ." The comedian looks at her and says." The chief shouts "UGGA BUGGA!" and 30 members of the tribe attack and sodomize the first missionary. "You can‘t fire me. Crickets. A major game there was Pin the Blame on the Donkey. "Well. so I suppose it must be death. There are guys in Alabama who are their own father. and in the middle of dinner he turned to me and said "Is it hot in here. I‘m only fifty five." (Henny Youngman) My grandfather is hard of hearing. it‘s the third comic‘s turn. "There must be some mistake. "Isn‘t 44 funny?" "Sure. (George Wallace) I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake. He needs to read lips. and they howl. "What?" he asks." (Rita Rudner) A comedian is sitting at the bar of a comedy club late one night when a beautiuful woman comes up to him and says "I saw you perform tonight." (Bill Maher) Two ministers doing missionary work in the South Seas are captured by a tribe and tied to stakes. or ugga bugga. it‘s usually hilarious. But first. I don‘t even want to do anything that feels good for thirty-six hours." The first guy says. they‘ve reached the point where they don‘t need to say the jokes anymore to amuse each other – they just need to refer to each joke by a number. Fields) I believe Dr. Because suicide is our way of saying to God. though. (Brian Kiley) We had a depression fair in the back yard. The guy is outraged. On my metaphysics final. The chief says to them." That graduated into "Have a nice day. "Very well. you‘re eighty two. "Did you see the first show or the second show?" A car hits a Jewish man. (Dennis Miller) Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. Kevorkian is onto something. "I‘m too young to die. I quit. They‘ve heard one another‘s material so much. but he uses one of those yellow highlighters. ""Number 53!" says the second guy. I think he‘s great. my religion does not allow me to choose ugga bugga. When the big moment comes. (Bobcat Goldthwait) I was thrown out of NYU. (David Letterman) I worked some gigs in the Deep South…Alabama…You talk about Darwin‘s waiting room. "But the way you tell it…" I want to have children. Answers St. now." and shouts "DEATH.68 A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. (W. I don‘t mind him reading lips.

just trampling and eating everything they see. "But I'm going to be absent." (Woody Allen) Contrary to what most people would say. I deducted 10.A. (George Carlin) Take my wife…please (Henny Youngman) Jokes for your friends Paul and his best friend were coming out of church one day. "Let's play schools. He grabbed his friend by the hand and pulled him aside.how about you?" The first actor says. baseball is concerned with ups. In football the specialist comes in to kick." said Jenny. is so celebrity-conscious. One complains. there's a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson -. The tax man said. "You know. in baseball you wear a cap. The Pastor said to him. and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands." The other shakes her head and adds. "That's nothing. "I'm already in the Army of the Lord. I only have to outrun you! "What shall we play today?" said Florence to her best friend Jenny." A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married? ." Pastor questioned. in baseball you make an error. I haven't had a job in forty years!" The other says. The second man said 'You don't have time to change shoes. "Don‘t ever let us catch you without a cigarette in your hand. (Dennis Miller) In football you wear a helmet. the food here is just terrible. Football is concerned with downs. "I'm in the secret service. They turned around and saw a big black bear coming towards them. The man smelled like a guy eating cheese while getting a permanent inside the septic tank of a slaughterhouse. (Jack Handey) Two old actors are sitting on a bench. Both men started to run when one of them stopped to change into tennis shoes." Two friends were walking through the woods when they thought they heard something. "And such small portions.69 Last year. "One of these days we've got to get out of this business!" I had a cab driver in Paris. Pastor. It‘s a shark riding on an elephant‘s back. in baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody. (Bill Maher) Two old ladies are in a restaurant. "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back. "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" Paul's friend replied. "OK!" said Florence. the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. In football you receive a penalty.697 cartons of cigarettes as a business expense." (Dick Gregory) L. You can't outrun that bear!' The first man said. One says: "How long has it been since you had a job?" The other actor says "Thirty two years -. they tell him there'll be a ten-minute wait.and when he shows up. 'I know I can't outrun the bear.

and the fact is I am still lost. After roaming all day long under the hot sun. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met. "Excuse me. doing nothing. "Surely you have met at least on girl that you wanted to marry.70 Replied the gentleman. Some hours later. "I am" replies the man." "Yes. She was just the right everything . The only perfect girl I really ever met." The man below says: "Yes.. but now it is somehow my fault. looking at nothing. what are you doing?" Shankar replies. can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago. they set up their tent and fell asleep. I guess she was the one perfect girl. or where you are going. John woke up his friend.. Pritam gets out of the car. "Well. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that Shankar is just standing there. "Jack. I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl. You are in a hot air balloon. but I don't know where I am. hovering approximately 30 feet above this field." The man below says "You must be a manager." said the friend." "Oh. "but how did you know?" "Well". "everything you have told me is technically correct. I guess I just never met the right woman ." he said. come on now. but I have no idea what to make of your information. there was one girl . latitude. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N." "How?" asks Pritam." Two adventurers John and Jack were hunting for gold in the desert. when he spots his friend Shankar standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. longitude. says the man." asked the friend. "Well I heard they give the Noble Prize to people who are out standing in their field. and you expect me to solve your problem. "How did you know." "Well. look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "Well" says the balloonist. A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me. once. "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize. and between 58 and 60 degrees W.." ." "You must be an engineer" says the balloonist. walks all the way out to Shankar and asks him. puzzled." Pritam is driving down the Delhi-Amritsar highway. He reduces height and spots a man down below. why didn't you marry her. "you don't know where you are. "She was looking for the perfect man." "I am" replies the balloonist. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me.. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep.

Meteorologically. Jenny had an idea. Jack thought for a minute and said. She turned to Jinny and said excitedly. the other for myself. money It can buy a House But not a Home It can buy a Bed But not Sleep It can buy a Clock But not Time It can buy you a Book But not Knowledge It can buy you a Position But not Respect It can buy you Medicine . First is that. this one is mine. "It tells two things to me. it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. They were inseparable friends and spent their evenings drinking together.71 Jack looked up and replied. "Because it has still not occurred to you that someone has stolen our tent.one on behalf of Timothy. After retirement." replied John." "What does that tell you?" asked John. they went to different states and settled." Tom and Timothy were in the same regiment in the army. he explained: 'This glass is Timothy's. He was asked what had happened." Jack looked at John. Theologically. it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. "I can see millions of stars. 'You see. "But I'm going to be absent.. So I take a sip from each . "Let's play schools". I have given up drinking but Timothy has written that he has not. Suddenly. Two friends. they kept correspondence through letters and e-mails. "OK!" said Jinny. So I have put away my glass and drink only on behalf of my friend. it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.you are an idiot. money. surprised.' Money. "Why do you say so?" he said.' Suddenly one evening Tom was seen with only one glass on his table. John spoke. To keep the memory of their boozing bouts alive. For a long time.. "Astronomically speaking. However. it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. He replied. Tom always filled two glasses with rum and water and sipped from each alternately! When somebody asked him why he did so. Jenny and Jinny were thinking what to play during the afternoon. they could not decide upon any game. What does it tell you?" After a moment of silence. Astrologically. Time wise.

I tell you all this because I am your Friend. the sun goes down.no problem." . What are you going to do then?" "No problem. One year. I would very much like to thank my friend. but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday. "this special golf ball floats.. I'll be able to see it in the dark." "Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?" The other guy replied.. the minister hurriedly agreed and left. and you hit your ball into a sand trap." the friend asked." he replied. "what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?" "That's okay. And it often causes pain and suffering. when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball. hoping for his usual Christmas present. "you see. and as your Friend I want totake away your pain and suffering. for his kind gift of peaches . That morning. I won't lose it so I don't need another one. I'll be able to retrieve it.. waiting to see the minister's embarrassment. In his haste to get the bottle. "Before we begin. "That's okay too. The minister climbed into the pulpit and said. Let's say our game goes late. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas." Exasperated. he was not disappointed. "This is a very special golf ball. A more true Friend you will never find:-) Espirit de spirit The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then. "Are you sure?". Money isn't everything.72 But not Health It can buy you Blood But not Life So you see. So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. You see. the friend asks. I have an announcement. this ball is fluorescent. The other guy replied that no. he asked. and for the spirit in which they were given!" Forward these jokes to your friend now! Click here! Golf ball Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off. when the minister went to visit his friend.. "Don't you have at least one other golf ball?". but his passion was for peach brandy. Joe. "What happens if you lose that ball?" The other guy replied." Well. I'll be able to get it back -. he only needed the one. "Okay." says the other guy. his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face. the friend persisted. this special golf ball has a homing beacon. So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.

and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. Discuss the finer points of the plot. Listen to the other side." Lord's Army A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day. Pastor. 14. "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that's it-. well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 17. 12. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. 11.step by step 1. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher. 7. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror. 21. roll the words across your tongue. trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. 3. the friend asks. is truly worthwhile. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious. anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. the course. Sit in a straight. 8. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future. Read over the assignment carefully. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order. well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. . When you get back to your room. sit in a straight. Read over the assignment again." Do your homework . drop him. and bound in one of those irritating see-through plastic folders. double-spaced. 4. 10. 20. The Pastor said to him. 16. Preston of the Yukon. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he's started writing yet. "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" My friend replied. 13. on the way back and visit with your friend from class. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror. where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?" The other guy replies. If your friend shows you his paper. comfortable chair in a clean. the university. 6. comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV." Pastor questioned. comfortable chair in a clean. to make certain you understand it. You know. 18. "I'm already in the Army of the Lord. typed. 19. Stop off at another floor. Sit in a straight. "Hey. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26. and the world at large. "I'm in the secret service. 15. Ask who everyone is. 2. savor its special flavor.I mean it! As soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.73 Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball. 5. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate. 9. "I found it. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either. you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate.

24. comfortable chair in a clean. 25. 28.74 22. just for the heck of it. 23. Read over the assignment one more time. . Lie face down on the floor and scream at the top of your lungs. well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write the paper. 27. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise. Type the paper. Sit in a straight. 26. Leap up and write the paper.

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