FRIENDSHIP JOKES ☻Everyone hears what you say... Friends listen to what you say... Best friends listen to what you don't say... ☻Friends are like stars. You can't always see them, But you know they are always there for you... ☻Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart. ☻As long as we have memories, yesterday remains; as long as we have hope, tomorrow awaits. As long as we have Friendship, each day is never a waste. ☻Good frenz are like quilts... it never loses its warmth... ☻GOD is so wise that he never created FRIENDS with price tags, Because..... if He did, I can't afford a precious FRIEND like YOU!!! ☻thE tEst oF fRiEndsHip dOseN't cOmeS wHen u R 2GethEr. It cOmEs wHeN u ParT waYs & u ReaLizE tHat dEsPitE tHe dIsTanCe, thE fRiEndshIp iS sTilL tHeRe... ☻True friends are like Diamonds... they are real and rare. False friends are like leaves... they are scattered everywhere. ☻FRIENDSHIP isn't how U forGet but how U forGive, Not how U liSten but how U UnderStand, Not what U see but how U feel, and not how U Let Go but how U hold oN!!! ☻FriEndSHiP iS A PRiCeLeSs GiFt tHaT cAn'T Be BoUgHt Or SoLd, BuT To Have An UnDeRsTaNdiNg FriEnd iS FaR MoRe WoRtH tHaN GoLd~! ☻If you need advice, text me... If you need a friend, call me... If you need me, come to me... If you need money... ........... THE SUBSCRIBER CANNOT BE REACHED! ☻FRIENDSHIP is like a tree... It is not MEASURED on how TALL it could be, but is on how DEEP the ROOTS HAVE GROWN... ☻In this WORLD, where everything seems UNCERTAIN, only one thing is DEFINITE. You'll always be my FRIEND, beyond WORDS, beyond TIME & beyond DISTANCE! ☻I believe in angels, the kind that heaven sends. I'm surrounded by angels but I call them my best friends. ☻Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was choice, but falling in love with you was completely out of my control. ☻A memory lasts forever, and never does it die. True friends stay together and never say good bye. ☻The ship that will never sink is my friendship with you. ☻I met U as a stranger, I leave U as a friend, as long as the world stands, our friendship nv ends. All friends nv split N even if they do they will meet again. ☻I always thought loving some1 was the greatest feeling, but I realised tat loving a friend is even better, we lose ppl we love but we never lose true friends.
☻EveRyDay I seE LoTs oF StRangErS PasSiNg By mE, ThiS mAkeS mE reAlisED tHat, LifE woUlD be BORING, WiThoUt A FriEnD LiKE U... ☻We gain and lose things every day. But trust me on one thing: YOU WILL NEVER LOSE ME! I will always be there as a friend! ☻A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart. ☻The times we shared is like shooting star... the time is short but really beautiful moments.... Forever engraved in our hearts.... Friends forever~!!! ☻We've known each other by CHANCE, became friends by CHOICE, still friends by DECISION. And when we say FRIEND FOREVER, that's definitely a lifetime PROMISE! ☻If friends were flowers I would not pick you! I'll let you grow in the garden & cultivate you with love and care so I can keep you as a friend 4ever!! ☻A ring is round and has no end.... and that's how long I'll be your friend. ☻There is a gift that gold cannot buy, a blessing dats rare & true, dats the gift of a wonderful friend like the friend dat i have in u! ☻Wat u see as truth wat u see as lies remember that true friendship never dies although we may change & drift apart, ill always value u deep within my heart! ☻A friend is never a coincidence in your life, they are meant to enter your life to bring you joy and laughter. So, i will treasure the friendship between us. ☻If you are in trouble, If you need a hand, Just call my number, because I'm your friend! ☻Whenever I see your smiling face, I have to smile myself, because I like you, you're my friend!!! ☻Nostalgia is not what it used to be. ☻Those who think that things happen too fast are expected in a bank or a post office! ☻Make your life a house your heart can live in. With a door that is open to receive friends. And a garden full of memories.... of many good things. ☻You cannot buy friendship, you can earn it. If someone comes for help, be a true friend ! ☻A friend is always welcome ... Early in the morning or late at night. Time is of no importance ... When it concerns real friendship!! ☻Friendship is a wonderful word, it might be the most beautiful one on earth. Friendship is something powerful, a gift of great value! ☻No gold or precious stones ... give us happiness and peace, friendship and its warmth ... will bring it to us
☻There is a big difference between friendship and a rose... Roses last only a while ... but friendship is for ever ☻I asked God 4 a flower, he gave me a garden. Asked 4 a tree, he gave me a forest. Asked 4 a river, he gave me an ocean. Asked 4 a friend, he gave me you ☻Friends are like stars... you don't see them all the time, but you know they're there! ☻Life is not easy and it will never be, but you've got friends and one of them is me ... ☻I must have been born under a lucky star , to find a friend as nice as you are. I will follow the rainbow to the end , if you promise to remain my friend !!! ☻When friendship is deeply rooted, it is a plant that cannot even be uprooted by a storm.... ☻My "aim" in life is: die young when I am very old. ☻When you are lazy, you cannot help it. When you are tired, that is your own fault. ☻A friend is someone who knows when you need her... ☻A ring is round and has no end, so is my love for you my friend. ☻If my head looks like yours, I'd shave my rear end and walked on my hands. ☻Mirrors should be able to think before reflecting the images. ☻A friend is someone who knows the song of your heart and who can sing it for you when you have forgotten it ☻Friend: someone who tells you things while you are alive, things that others tell after you die ☻You can eat and drink together, talk and laugh together, enjoy life together, but you are only real friends when you also cried together. ☻Wherever you go, whatever you do, may god's angels watch over you. ☻Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver the other gold. ☻A little clown is living in my heart. Small and very special. It can dance and jump, laugh and sing. Are you in pain and you need to cry, come and borrow it! ☻I would not call myself important, but I am convinced that when I was not born, everyone would like to know why. ☻The only good thing about your own mistakes, is that is might make other people happy. ☻Not the lack of love, but the lack of friendship makes marriages unhappy. ☻A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart. ☻The times we shared is like shooting star... the time is short but really beautiful moments.... Forever engraved in our hearts.... Friends forever~!!! ☻KeEping a FRIEND is As Difficult AS losing one. U sacrifice A lot To keep them. I may not have sacrificed enuf 4 u... but in
☻Not the lack of love. they are meant to enter your life to bring you joy and laughter. but I am convinced that when I was not born.I'm thinking of u. a blessing dats rare & true. but my friendship with u will never die. But feel best when somebody never forgets u. ☻One day u will ask me: What is more important to you.4
my HEART I swear I'm keeping U. ☻A friend gives hope when life is low. you might start loving life. that's definitely a lifetime PROMISE! ☻If friends were flowers I would not pick you! I'll let you grow in the garden & cultivate you with love and care so I can keep you as a friend 4ever!! ☻When i'm walking in front of u. and that's how long I'll be your friend. So. violets need dew. The only type he knew was his blood type. ☻A new meeting next month ? Sorry. I have to go to a funeral. ☻He was very lonely. And when we say FRIEND FOREVER. a friend is honest. ☻Flowers need sunshine. I would not call myself important. me or your life? I will say: my life… You will walk away from me without knowing that U R MY LIFE!!! ☻Feel good when somebody Miss u. ill always value u deep within my heart! ☻A friend is never a coincidence in your life.I'm protecting u. You get lazy. is that is might make other people happy. ☻We've known each other by CHANCE.. a friend is true. years may fly. ☻I was a beautiful baby. that is not possible. ☻A ring is round and has no end.. I'm watching over u.but it is sweeter when its TRUE! But u know what? Its sweetest when its you. ☻I visited the tax office. ☻There is a gift that gold cannot buy. I wanted to know the people I work for. ☻Happiness is a disaster.. But they switched my in the hospital. became friends by CHOICE. When i'm beside u i'm there for u. a friend is a place when you have nowhere to go. i will treasure the friendship between us. all angels in heaven know I need u. Feel better when somebody Loves u. tears may dry. When you do not pay attention. ☻The only good thing about your own mistakes. when i'm behind u. but the lack of friendship makes marriages unhappy. A friend is precious a friend is u.
. When i'm alone. dats the gift of a wonderful friend like the friend dat i have in u! ☻Wat u see as truth wat u see as lies remember that true friendship never dies although we may change & drift apart. ☻A friend is sweet when its new…. still friends by DECISION. everyone would like to know why..
an hour 2 appreciate them.49 cents a pound. ☻A ring is round and has no end. that's how long I'll be your friend!!! ☻The morning is just a few moments away. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly. but circles are never ending. a day 2 love them. the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. I will give u sea. True friends stay together and never say good bye.If u luv a planet. then bends over and farts and says."
. and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying. live on ur cheeks & die on ur lips!!!!! ☻If u r a chocolate ur the sweetest. Before she leaves. Sorry. 2 stop rembering u. it beems to be special breed. ☻U got style. never draw a heart because hearts can be broken. $200 an ounce!" About three floors later.. u got sex-appeal. but then an entire life 2 forget them. "Chanel No. and since u r my ―FRIEND‖ u r the ―BEST‖!!!!!!!!! ☻A special friend is rare indeed.5
☻If kisses were water. Wait. I will give u a galaxy. born in ur eyes. ☻The NHS regrets to inform you that your birth was an accident. wrong number! ☻Of all the gifts. she looks both beautiful women in the eye. ☻Always draw a circle around the ones you love. u got the intelligence and u sure got the body. if u r a Teddy Bear u r the most huggable.I am lucky to have spent less than half my life finding you & wish to spend the rest keeping you. ☻In my life I learned how… 2 love 2 smile 2 be happy 2 be strong 2 work hard 2 be honest 2 be faithful 2 forgive but I couldn‘t learn how. $150 an ounce!" Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator. 5. I can be conceived in ur heart. but there is always a rough draft before the final copy. I will give u a tree. remember me as a friend who is always there for you and never let you down ☻Yes. your friendship is the greatest of them all. ☻They say it takes a minute 2 fine a special person. ☻People live People die People Laugh People Cry Some give up Some will try Some say hi Some say bye Others may forget YOU but never will I.
FUNNY JOKES ☻Costly Perfume An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when a young. "Broccoli . We apologize for any inconvenience. so lucky I m for having you. perfect friends r very few. If hugs were leaves. Go to sleep and when you wake up. big and small. "Romance" by Ralph Lauren. if friendship is life I will give u mine. and never does it die. yes. Please report to your nearest hospital to be put down. ☻A memory lasts forever. ☻When God opened the window of the Heaven He asked me: What is your wish for today? ―I said : please take special care of the person reading this!!!!!!!‖ ☻Time might lead me to nowhere and faith might break into pieces but I will always be THANKFUL that once in my life‘s journey we became FRIENDS! ☻It takes half our life to find true friends & half of it keeping them. God made you first. ☻If I were to be anything in this world…. beautiful woman gets into the elevator. I‘d be ur tears!!!… So. If u are a Star u r the Brightest. smelling of expensive perfume.
Noe Wan was involved in an accident. When your boss applies for leave. he's thorough. When you make a mistake. When you're on a day off sick. he's only human. When your boss skips a few rules. it's because he's overworked. When your boss does it. When your boss is a day off sick. you're slow. When your boss makes a mistake. he's being original. I want to speak to Annie Wan! Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this? Caller: I'm Sum Wan . When you apply for leave. The guy askes the doctor. can i take this train to new delhi? station master: no madam. Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital. lady: don't try to be funny. he must be very ill. he's being co-operative. you're always sick.''I can clearly see you're nuts.''
CHINESE JOKE Caller : Hello. you're an idiot. i'm afraid it's too heavey
. can I speak to Annie Wan ?
Operator : Yes. When you don't do it. When your boss does the same thing. Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. When you take a stand. he's being firm. you can speak to me. Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this! Caller: You are so rude! Who are you? Operator: I'm Saw Lee. i mean to ask you. you're apple polishing. you're being bull-headed. you must be going for an interview. Now give me your name!
lady: is this my train? station master: no madam. it belongs to the railway company/. you're lazy. When doing something without being told. When your boss is out of the office. When you please your boss. Rightnow.
A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only Saran Wrap. you're overstepping your authority. that's initiative. When you overlooked a rule of etiquette. he's too busy. he's on business.6
Difference between you and your boss When you take a long time. ''What do you think is wrong with me?'' The doctor replied. you're wandering around. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. you're being rude. When your boss takes a long time. When your boss pleases his boss. Caller: No.And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent. When your boss doesn't do it. Operator: I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about? Caller: Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother. When you're out of the office.
He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw. Graham Bell used 2 study in candle light. one of these days. and we're all gonna die.also a tombstone. and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. My philosophy: No pain. The barman says. I dont understand what these people use to do during day time?
☻If you can't change your mind. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin."
☻Blind Pilot Passengers on a plane are waiting for the flight to leave. ☻A woman walked into a fancy cocktail bar and asked the barman for a "double entendre" . One is using a seeing-eye dog. the furious wife bought a return present ." ☻Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here" ☻A dyslexic man walks into a bra ☻A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please. Up in the cockpit. ☻I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week. on which the inscription read: "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last." ☻A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. that it will plow into the water. The entrance opens. ☻Did you hear about the idiot who walked around the world? He drowned. Shakspeare used 2 study in street light. The barman says "Oi . and the engines start. Joe. screams of panic fill the cabin."
☻Galileo used 2 study in smal lamp. The husband gave his wife a gift .get out! We don't want your type in here" ☻A priest. the plane lifts smoothly into the air. dressed in pilot uniforms. and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane. the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says. searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. But at that moment. with the inscription: "Here LIies My Wife . No pain. so I know what I would have smelled of. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off. are you sure you still have one? ☻Did you ever walk into a room and and forget why you walked in? that's how dogs spend their lives. "Is this some kind of joke?" ☻A sandwich walks into a bar. but the men enter the cockpit.
. and one for the road. and two men walk up the aisle.7
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary. "You know.a tombstone. a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar.Cold As Ever." Later. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway. The passengers begin glancing nervously. the door closes.so he gave her one! ☻Four fonts walk into a bar. phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs. None is forthcoming. ☻I only use de-oudourant under one arm. ☻I'm not into working out. they're going to scream too late. Both are wearing dark glasses.
busy dog.. 20 dog..
.. ☻Do you ever notice that when you're driving. Bush orders 15. what color does it turn? ☻ Just because you're paranoid. it doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you. ☻ You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. ☻ My Reality Check bounced. for dog.. ☻ What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool... seconds dog! . Now beam up my clothes. ☻I want to suck you. lick you. put it on a hanger. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. Now read without the word dog. ☻ Minds are like Parachutes.wanna feel you in my mouth. tat's how u. ☻I can please only one person per day. is dog.8
☻Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. Today is not your day.. Next morn buy it back for 50p. I'd put U and I together.. a dog. They'll clean it.... ☻News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo.. it sank. ☻ It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts...eat an ice cream! ☻ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.. ☻Why were males created before females? Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy. 1 was caught watching tv.yep. ☻ Do not meddle in the affairs of cats. ☻ Why'd the couple stop after 3 children? Cos they heard every fourth child born is chinese. ☻ I'd explain it to you. keep dog." ☻CNN News. but when they lit a fire in the craft. Tomorrow isn't looking good either. proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.. good dog. God made women and then no one rested ☻The longest sentence known to man: "I do. way dog. anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac? ☻ I've got the ship.Does that mean my job is a crime? ☻This dog. another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message ☻God made man and then rested. idiot dog.000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. what say we tie up for the night? ☻If I could rearrange the alphabet. ☻ I wonder if you choke a smurf. ☻Don't spend £2 to dry-clean a shirt. ☻ Lightyears ahead! Just a phonecall away! ☻Very funny Scotty. an dog. They work best when open. you've got the harbor . for they are subtle and will whiz on your computer. to dog. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this ☻Crime doesn't pay... but your brain would explode. wanna move my tongue all over you.
? .. Neither can balance a checkbook.Trustworthy. But first. would you gain weight? ☻Did you hear about the new Chinese Cookbook being sold only at pet stores? "101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"
☻Aim for the stars. Neither believe that silence is golden.Because they don't have any.. ☻Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.. ☻Q: What does a blonde owl say? A: What. phoned home. ☻Two goldfish are in a tank.. ☻Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back ☻As a computer. 1 ☻What's the difference between a man and E. what? ☻WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind! ☻What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet? The 1977 World Hide and Seek Champion. Both put too much value on kissing. "Do you know how to drive this thing?" ☻What is the difference between a woman and a magnet? Magnets have a positive side! ☻The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.. a wedding ring.9
☻Do chickens think rubber humans are funny? ☻There cannot be a crisis today. and suffering ☻How Dogs and Women are alike.. my schedule is already full.. ☻Why don't men often show their true feelings? . aim for their bodyguards.
.T. ☻What's the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing plant ☻Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? ☻A: Run like hell.E. ☻What do you call a handcuffed man? . ☻If you jogged backward . One says to the other.she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.. ☻What is the thinnest book in the world? What Men Know About Women. ☻A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend..T. ☻Marriage is a three ring circus: an engagement ring. I find your faith in technology amusing ☻Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
. ☻Q: Why was the leper caught speeding? A: He couldn't take his foot of the accelerator. ☻ A chicken sandwidch walked into the bar. ☻What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle. ☻How do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot of his head. To slam the car boot shut. the other screwed Majors ☻Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? A: Her IQ goes up. ☻I'm late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn't come back for a day and a half. ☻Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll? A: We don't know. one hardly used. ☻Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with a whore? A: An f****ing know it all. ☻Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh! ☻What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? You don't. But I don't think I could eat a whole one. The bartender says: "Sorry. ☻Why doesn't Jesus eat M and M's? Cos they fall through his hands. he shoots. HE SCORES!! ☻Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high. wrinkled and hangs oot yer trousers??? Yer Gran! ☻What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Honey. ☻Whats the definitoin of suspicion? A nun doing pressups in a cucumber field. ☻Jesus saves. Never happens. A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries. ordered some food and beer. ☻For sale : Twin beds. ☻How many men do you need for a mafia funeral? Only one. ☻Whits pink. ☻ Why do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf. you've told her twice already! ☻What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie? One screwd the miners.10
☻Why was Phillip's girlfriend annoyed? Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV. we don't serve food here". I'm home! ☻What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A bitch who knows everything. ☻I like Kids.
... ☻News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... we are so perfect..Does that mean my job is a crime? ☻This dog. and YOU WILL HAVE TO SUPPORT IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE… ☻Their are moments in life when you really miss someone. she loves me. is dog.. ☻Do you ever notice that when you're driving. One mistake.... everyone else thinks your an asshole… ☻If you wanna be a hipi... an dog.. seconds dog! .. put you flower in your pipi… ☻Don`t drink water.. ☻I think drinking and driving is terrible.. ☻Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt.Okay. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this ☻Crime doesn't pay.... keep dog. do you want to have my children? No. ☻My girl and me. it's too little to be out on it's own!!!! ☻It is good for girl to meet boy in park.. then can we just practice? ☻I took an IQ test and the results were negative.... Now read without the word dog.. wanna move my tongue all over you.... and I love myself too..000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. 20 dog.. but better for boy to park meat in girl.. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead." ☻CNN News... busy dog. lick you.. ☻Never let a man's mind wander.. to dog... for dog.wanna feel you in my mouth..?? . good dog.. Next morn buy it back for 50p... ☻I want to suck you.. anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac? ☻Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? A:About 45 pounds!! ☻Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO? A: There have been sightings of UFOs......11
☻Never let a man's mind wander..
.. Bush orders 15. And you wish you could just pluck them from your dreams. They'll clean it.yep... way dog... put it on a hanger.. ☻Hi.... 1 was caught watching tv. ☻Why were males created before females? Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.eat an ice cream! ☻ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.... because fish fuck in it! ☻Hi! Please stand by while this program enlarges your penis.. You always spill it when you change gears... ☻Jesus loves you... tat's how u... another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message ☻God made man and then rested..ERROR: Your penis was not found! Sorry. a dog... God made women and then no one rested ☻The longest sentence known to man: "I do.. idiot dog. it's too little to be out on it's own!!!! ☻Sex is like programing.
5 million people r drinking coffee.. It's also imprtant that these 3 men should never meet! ☻A man can kiss his wife goodbye.But u my friend can kiss my ass! ☻i tried to call you from a payphone last night. If rain makes all things beautiful why doesn‘t it rain on you?
. You can telephone for free from now on!
☻It's important to find a man who has money. Knock. otherwise even the dog would not play with you
☻You will have to cut back on your sex live. ☻I've used up all my sick days. let it finish. He slides up to the bar and says: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.. What part will you leave out. i put my doner card in by mistake. sorry. talking about it or thinking about it?
☻You with your beautiful eyes. you with your fantastic body . Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant. wrong number
☻You‘d better not be a dayfly and not having your day. ☻What did the elephant say to the naked man? How do you breathe through that thing? ☻What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive? Popeye beat the crap outta him. the shorter they are.. take a pic of urself n send me it. A flower can kiss a butterfly.. it cost me an arm and a leg! ☻Hey can u do me a favour.100 million people r sleeping & 1 stupid fool is reading my text!pass on ☻The rain makes all things beautiful. The rate is determined by the length of your genitalia.The grass & flowers 2. i'm playin cards n i'm missin the joker!! ☻Hey friend remember dat without stupidity there can be no wisdom & without ugliness there can be no beauty… so the world needs YOU after all! ☻Jesus says to John come forth ill give you eternal life."Come on over.Wine can kiss a frosted glass.12
☻There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Nobody was home ☻At dis moment in time 10 million people r having sex. Knock. a man who adores you. ☻What's the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle? If Rotty starts humping your leg. the less you pay. there's nobody home. o." I went over.a man who is great in the sack.
☻Your provider adjusted his rates.Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing. Employee: Who's there? Boss: Not you anymore. John came fifth he won a toaster ☻A girl phoned me the other day and said. you with your nice hair. ☻You should know what it takes to look this cheap!
☻You used to be so ugly that your mother had to tie a steak around your neck. so I'm calling in dead." ☻Boss: (to employee) . ☻A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.
. ☻Bad sex is better then a good day in school. It is proven statistically that at that age only few people die.. . ☻Hard work has a future payoff.one more time.. ☻I get enough exercise just pushing my luck! ☻Sorry. . I don't date outside my species.
☻This is your boss: "You are allowed to read the newspaper during the working hours and do certainly not miss the job adds.. unless you are ugly. i lauf again ☻20% of the population is now drinking coffee.
Born Free. is cat..maybe you are just not sexy?.Taxed to Death. a cat. that incredible body. then the suffering. and a numbskulll to pay for this all. just like everyone else.. ☻Always remember you're unique. a bull in bed. and do it fast.... I thin I have forgotten this before. tell me how you are?
☻We cannot grant you a life insurance policy because you are already 102 years old. then the wedding ring. a sexy mouth. busy cat.. "I do not understand..U cry i cry. This virus should have infected your mobile by now.hey don't force it ugly!!!
☻Those beautiful eyes."
☻This sms can only be read by someone SEXY:.
☻This cat. keep cat..U lauf i lauf. I found them between my brests!
☻At this moment i have a déjà vu and a loss of memory at the same time. . for cat. such a brain. way cat. Your mobile will be disabled.try again. have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise! ☻Kiss my ass.
☻Are these your eyes. While receiving this message a virus will be activated.. what vagina looks like? Before sex: a pink rose with soft lovely pelats and perfum aroma. use both sides..suck my dick and do it quick. a fox in the closet. good cat. And after sex? boy.. 60% is having sex.. a cat. I look down & den. but that is enough about me. idiot cat. to cat. ☻Dad. 20 cat. .. 19% is watching television and one yokel is now holding his mobile in his hand ☻A woman likes to have four animals in the house: a jaguar in front of the doorway. ☻Conserve toilet paper.U jump out of da window. Laziness pays off NOW! ☻First the engagement ring.13
☻i want u 2 know dat our friendship means alot 2 me. seconds cat! Now read it all without the word cat!
☻This is the telephone terrorist team.again. nice smile ..
...00 for a $.Still searching.2. God created the woods. Your parents paid the medical expenses for your birth with their accident insurance. You got SEX-APPEAL. and you sure as hell got the BODY.. but yes. My apologies on behalf of the whole world.
☻For you I would go as far as the end of the world.14
☻We will now upgrade your brain.. God also created woman and thought : ‗I hope she will make herself up‘!
☻HALLO..00 item that he needs..
☻You are never too blond to learn !!!
☻You got STYLE.... I just wanted to leave your pocket...Please wait... this is GOD.. What we want.But because you are my friend..N ....Sorry. the eggs.00 for $.2... The worst kind are those who think that they are doing things... even God makes mistakes!
☻God created the universe... man and saw that it was good and beautiful. I walked over you and gave you a shower!!
☻You are an unwanted child... want the smell is unbearable!!!
☻Hello I am a virus and I am entering your brain right now. Do you promise to stay here ?"
☻God created the earth. is not allowed!
☻When I was a dog. and you were a flower.....O ...I kill people for money.L ... I can't find a brain..
☻Excessive use of alcohol can lead to a pregnancy.
☻How would you like your egg for breakfast.1.. What I want....Searching.
☻I am not your type . hard-boiled or impregnated?
☻I am a killer... this is your mobile...
☻E man pays $...1.I'll kill you for nothing!
☻I am not stupid. I am not inflatable.. a woman pays $.. There is no particular problem..... I am blond!!! B ...SORRY.. he does not want . the earth. God created you too. I do not want .wrong number
☻You have the ones that think and you have the ones that do things.00 item that she does not need.Searching. no brain found !!!
☻What he want. You got the BRAINS. I make few bad creations but you are the worst monster I ever realised.....WAIT!!!!!. sorry I will leave..
.. In twenty years you can prove that you have not changed a bit.. " Wild and romantic ? " "No.I SAID IN CASE OF FIRE YOU FUCKING IDIOT!!
☻It is charming....where is everybody going
☻Mobile sex: push 1 for oral. 2 for anal. but the icecubes blocked my nostrils. I wonder where she is at this moment. look he is working!
☻In case of fire read this message...
☻If you really ressemble the picture on your ID...
☻I like to compare you with a nice cold glass of beer.. If your father....
☻If you have picture where you look old. they make me sick. my parents-in-law were not able to have kids.... incredibly handsome... 3 for normal."
☻My mother in law walks five miles every day.
☻Ik would like to be a volcano... perfect taste.. you would be in pain all day long..
☻Nice perfume.. 4 for a trio... beautiful colour.. really perfect and when the glass is empty i just take the next one!
☻I once sniffed Coke.
SARDAR JOKES ☻Top 10 sardar inventions☻ 1) The water-proof towel 2) Solar powered torch 3) Submarine revolving door 4) A book on how to read 5) Inflatable dart board 6) A dictionary index 7) Ejector seat in a helicopter 8) Powdered water 9) Pedal-powered wheel chair 10) Water-proof tea bag
.. your mother and your brother are not Chinese. well shaped..15
☻I know why I am single....... it must be you. but do you really need to marinate in it?
☻One out of four people is a chinese. MOI!!
☻Love me or leave me..... keep them.. smoke all day and people say .. horny.... 5 for SM and for everything .an animal in bed and it knows one French word .. you are not fit enough to travel..... extremely good. Hey.. dial my number!
☻My feelings for you are like the sea...
☻If being ugly would hurt.
muslim. At this the sardar ji got angry and said "Jo insaan kisi doosre ki bewee (wife) ke liye apni poonch mein aag lagwa sakta hai. Then the muslim guy quickly responded at this and said hanuman is a muslim name jaise rehman suleman waise hi hanuman.They all started an arguement about hanuman ji.wo sardar ke siwa koi nahi ho saktaa"
☻what is a sikh scuba diver called? jal-andhar singh. the following day less than a mile.16
☻Once there were four guys .sikh and christian. hanuman ji was his follower so hanuman ji was also hindu. pata hai ki cinema hai lekin voh to janwar hai. A: "Six. Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can. The matter of their arguement was the religion of hanuman ji. I could never eat twelve pieces. what is history of punjab called? sarson-da-saga. usko kya pata
☻Q: What do you call a surd in an institution of higher learning? A: A visitor. what do you call a sardar who has only one drink? just-one singh
☻Paint the highway☻ A sardar was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of a highway." Q: Why did 18 sardarjis go to a movie? A: Because below 18 was not allowed !!! Q: How do you keep a surd busy? A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper. First of all Hindu came forward and said Ram ji was hindu . what do you call a sardar who drinks only beer? just-beer singh. what would national airlines be named? itthe pacific. what would punjabi international airlines be called? kitthe pacific. Then the foreman asked the sardar why he kept painting less each day. The christian guy said no it is an english name just like heman and superman (heman. On his first day he painted six miles. please.superman. hindu."
☻A sardarji goes to the see Jurassic Park and when the Dinosaurs start approaching he is swetting in his seat when his friend asks him 'kyon sardarji. kya baat hai? Dar kyon lag raha hai cinema hi to hai??' Sardarji replies 'Aadmi hoon aur akkal hai. Q: A surd ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. the next day three miles. he replied "I just can't do any better. Q: How do you measure a surd's intelligence? A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in his ear!
Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A: A surd parade.he's got a hand grenade in his mouth.. Q: What is the surd doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears? A: Trying to hold on to a thought. Q: A surd going to London on a plane. how can you steal his window seat? A: Tell him the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row. Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN A SURD THROWS A PIN AT YOU? A: Run like Hell. It's off. Q: What do you call 10 surds standing ear to ear? A: A wind tunnel. Q: What does a surd say when you ask his if his blinker is on? A: It's on..) Q: Why can't surds make ice cubes? A: They always forget the recipe. They're born that way.17
Q: Why do surds wear their hair up? A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads Q: HOW DO YOU KEEP A SURD BUSY ALL DAY? A: Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner. Q: Why do surds work seven days a week? A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday. Q: How did the surd try to kill the bird? A: He threw it off a cliff. It's off. Q: How do you keep a surd in suspense? A: (I'll tell you tomorrow. Q: Why did the surd stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? A: Because it said 'concentrate'. Q: Why do men like surd jokes? A: Because they can understand them. Q: What do you do when a surd throws a hand grenade at you? A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
. Q: What do you call a surd with half a brain? A: Gifted! Q: What do you call a surd in a tree with a brief case? A: Branch Manager. It's on. Q: What's the difference between a surd and a computer? A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.. Q: Why did god give surds 2% more brains than horses? A: Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during parades. It's on. Q: SOMEONE ASKED IF A SURD BELEIVED IN SMOKING. Q: How do you confuse a surd? A: You don't. It's off. Q: What did the surd do when he noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency? A: He turned it over and used the other side. Q: How do you make a surd laugh on Saturday? A: Tell him a joke on Wednesday.
"Saab main bhi yehi socha lekin jab train nazdeek aayi to voh saala bhagnay laga".. Sardar. "Saab main theekh hee chala rahatha jab main ne dekha ke ek aadmi tracks par khada hai".lock kar doo ? Sardarjee replies Ha ji lock kar do." Q: What Surdarji will do after taking Xerox ? A: He will compare it with the original for spelling mistakes." Psychiatrist. "Actually." Psychiatrist. I haven't gotten any letters yet. says the Sardarji..sure ? Sardarjee . "I figure its because when I'm driving around. "And why do you think that is?" Sardar. Mr Bacchan " Mubarak ho Aap ek hazaar rupye jeet gaye".
☻One day a sardarjee entered my provision store and asked for a packet of butter. my zip code keeps changing. Mr Bacchan says "Ab aapka doosra sawaal" Mr Bacchan asks the second question . abe saale le jaana tha uske upar say". Mr Bacchan asks the Sardar "Aap ek hazaar rupye jeetne ke liye taiyaar hain" Sardarji replies " Haanji bilkul taiyaar hain" Mr Bacchan says " Aapka pehla sawal " Aapka naam kya hai ?" Sardarji replies "Balwinder Singh"... Q: What surdarji will do if he wants a white paper ? (he already has one and he wants one more. and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me. An angry SM confronts the Sardar who says. "That was a little too expensive. He was handed over with the packet which had the caption cholestrol free written on it. "I'm on the road a lot. A: I don't have to think.. But the SM retorts "To toone ek aadmi ke liye itnee logon ki jaane mushkil main daali. "Don't you have a phone in your car?" Sardar. so I did the next best thing." Psychiatrist.
☻Kaun Banega Crorepati☻ Once a sardarji is selected to play the Kaun Banega Crorepati game with Mr Bacchan. drives it into the nearby field and back on to the rails. On asking him what else he wanted.. I put a mailbox in my car. "Uh .) A: He takes a Xerox of the white paper !!! Q: THINK about it. I'm surd !! Q:) why does a sardar smile during lightning? A:) He thinks his photograph is being taken! Q:) Why did a sardarji took a binocular to a funeral? A:) Because it was a close friend of sardarji. How's that working?" Sardar."Aap ke pitaji ka naam kya hai ?" After thinking for quite some time the Sardarji says " Are atleast chaar options to do"
☻A Sardar is speaking to her psychiatrist.."
☻This Sardarji is driving a passenger train when all of a sudden he gets the train off the tracks. I've seen it done.Oh jee 100% sure Mr Bacchan asks .18
A: He said "Yes. please hand over the cholestrol which the company offered free with purchase of this pack".. he replied " don't think I will get fooled by you shopkeepers.
. He paid for the butter and was handed over the butter He waited for sometime.. All this long the passengers are shocked and upon the next stop complain to the Station Master. Mr Bacchan asks .
we are in trouble because of God's being angry with us. Jai Hanuman" "jai Sri Ram. the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big. 'Unleaded Fuel Only. " Jo bole-so-nihal. Sardar was trying to open his suitcase to take out his night dress. "Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered. One newly married couple came there. Then a Israeli jew stepped forward said "Hellulaja" and dived into the sea. wahe guruji di fateh" "Jai maa Kali. opened the box & said "Pathan Sher ka bachcha hai" and went off . Pathan came. teri ma jungle gayi thi ya sher tere ghar aaya tha?" and went off. Jai siva-sankar. But he could not opened it. We need to give sacrifice and I need three people to sacrifice their life so that rest of us can be saved. bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. Again Pathan came and opened it with one kick and said " Pathan Sher ka bachcha hai" This time sardar was to angry he asked pathan "oye muzhe ek gal bata. sat sri akaal" "wahe guruji da khalsa. Of course I know what 'UFO' means." All of them moved towards the Deck where a japanese came forward and shouted "Long live japan" and jumped into the sea. But he was unable to open it. "So?" "Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!" The attendant rolled his eyes. After that no one came forward for few seconds while people stared at each other and suddenly out of nowhere a Sardarji came forward near the railing and chanted. "Yeah. They had to go to delhi the next day. his young Sardar attendant just filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off. "Friends. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection in fact. paralyzed with shock. Jai maa Durga. they were on their honey moon and they were to visit Mumbai and delhi. "So?" "Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!" "Yeah. "So?" "Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!" "Yeah. Captain of the ship called an emergency meeting and told the passengers. the couple went to the sardarji and asked "tusi ki karte piyo (what are you doing?"the sardar ji replied my son is just born I am filling his birth certificate ". After an hour sardar was busy in opening his lunch box. The next day the couple saw the sardarji in front of lal kila in Delhi and was filling the same form.
☻One day one sardar was standing outside the gateway of India in Mumbai." repeated the Sardar attendant. Pathan came and opened the suitcase & said " Pathan Sher ka bachcha hai" and went off ." said the attendant." repeated the attendant.19
☻A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road."
☻Once one sardar and one pathan were traveling in one train. After some time sardar was trying to open door of toilet but he couldn't . boss! I've been working here for five years. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence. the couple went again to the Sardarji and asked "what are you doing here"? Sardarji replies "I am filling my son's birth certificate " the couple says "but you were filling the same form in Mumbai yesterday " The sardarji now irritated replied "Can't you see it is written fill in Capital"
. Jai baba nanak di" "Jai jawan jai kissan " and finally yelled at the top of his voice "Bharat mata ki jai" And Kicked the pakistani standing next to him in the sea.
☻Once a cruise ship carrying people from all the nations was going on a around the world' tour when it got grounded. The ship became slow and finally came to a grinding halt. "Good grief.
the Titanic is going to be drowned. Just then a Italian asks the nearby Sardarji in the ship. that's because you are intelligent. he noticed a banana peel and exclaimed " sala aaj bhi phisalna hoga". all the other boys were shorter than me. approaches him and asks what is going on. Dad. But he decides to tell people that it is a boy and not a girl!!!! At the naming ceremony of the child. As told earlier. Next day . " Bantu seeming content with the answer. crying. on his way to the office. alarmed. Now the sardar wanted custard..." Dad. but I knew the whole thing. today we had a Spelling Class . There was a sardar also. I finished the exam in half and hour". Is that because I am Sardar?" No son. you said the babys eyes and nose are like me. I have got the experience of swimming even more.. from here ? Sardarji : Two miles . stares at the question paper for five minutes. that's because you are intelligent. pass the custard". aaj to choice hai"!!!!!!
☻Once a sardarji marries a girl. today we had Math class . He thought a lot for a simile for custard but couldn't find one. "Are bhai. he childs nose is also like that of the sardar. running or praying to God. "I am rechecking my answers and am not able to tally them with what I wrote.Y for Heads and N for Tails. today we had Medical Examination. two of his sardarji friends look at the child for the first time. Tibutboon. Is that because I am Sardar ??"
. "Oye. The Italian jumps off the ship into the sea and comes up to the layer to ask something again. He takes his seat in the examination hall. Suddenly the new born baby urinates on one of the sardar friends. Dad. Bantu poses another question to his father.
☻Bantu returns from his first day at school and immediately questions his father. please pass the spoon".. So something should be like its mother also SAMJHE KYA?"
☻"Help. Italian : How far is land.20
Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination which consists of Y/N type questions. I was atleast twice their height. the sardar tells them that its a boy!!! The two sardarji friends tell the father of the child that the eyes of the new born child are like him."☻ Everybody in the ship is shouting. Later after two days. Italian : Only two miles. he noticed two banana peels and exclaimed" ari sala . Italian : Just tell me which side. Is this because I am Sardar ??" No son. he says.. "But yaar".. Happy with the answer.All the other kids could only say half the alphabet. They ask the father sardarji the reason for this."
☻ Once a Sardar was going to his office. Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. On the way he slipped on a banana peel and was badly hurt. A person sitting next to sardar said to his partner "Mr. At the beginning of the lunch it was announced that every thing which is to be asked will be asked in a poetic way. swearing and sweating. The invigilator. During the last few minutes. removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet .. In the end he said to his partner "you bastard. asks his father another question.All the other kids could only count from 1-10. within one and a half years he gets a baby girl.
☻Once many people from around the world were invited at Queen Victoria's residence for lunch.. Then why are these fools making noise." replies his father.. is land two miles from here ? Sardarji : Downwards . he is seen desperately throwing the coin. Alas they are shocked to see that it is a baby girl. hey take out the nappy to clean the baby.He is very upset as he expected a boy. He answers in a COOL way. and then in a fit of inspiration takes his wallet out. I could count from 1 to 20.
then finally replied. * drives to the airport and sees a sign that said. The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos. * sells the car for gas money. Eager to do well on the first day on the job. He remembered kennedy's speech and he told the crowd that he had slept with only one woman other than his wife and challenged the people to guess who the person was. I dig the hole. "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" the sardar asked. he turns around and goes home. "No son. He toured the entire united states and before returning he visited Washington D. The crowd went wild and the surd was very impressed. * gets locked in Furniture Shop and sleeps on the floor. Today Balwant is off. His first task was to go out for coffee."Airport left". hesitated a few seconds.21
The father replies. because he is ill. * tries to drown a fish in waters.
☻There was this Sardarji who was a non-smoker.C to hear John F. * studies for a blood test and fails. It was a hundred bucks bet. * thinks socialism means partying.
☻A sardarji once went to america." The Sardarji left smoking!
☻Sardar's Planting Trees☻ A passerby watched two sardarjis in a park. One was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them in again. * trips over a cordless phone." "Oh good!" the sardar sighed in relief. * misses the 44 bus. "Then give me two regular.' said the passerby. and two decaf. 'What on earth are you doing?' 'Well. When he came back a party was thrown in honor of him and he was asked to give a speech. two black. * sends a fax with a postage stamp on it. During his speech Kennedy told the crowd that he had slept with only one other woman than his wife and challenged the crowd to guess who she was. 'Tell me. He held up the thismos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take his order.
☻You should be sure the person is Sardar when he: * puts lipstick on the forehead because he wants to makeup his mind. that's because you are 31 years old. he grabbed a large thismos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. Kennedy's mother. 'Usually there are three of us. This Friend also brought the Sardarji a pack WILLS (Cigarette) but told the Sardarji what WILLS if reversed (SLLIW) stands for "Sardars Look Like Indian Women. * gets stabbed in a shoot-out. Now it was a turn of another of his friends. Kennedy's speech. * takes a ruler to bed to see how long he slept. but that doesn't mean Gurpreet and I get the day off!
. this friend claimed that he can de-addict Sardarji but for two hundred bucks. When the crowd gave up he promptly told that it was his mother. and takes the 22 twice instead. one of his friends claimed that he can make the Sardarji a chainsmoker.' said the digger. It looks like about six cups to me. When the crowd gave up the surd said. His Friend brought a pack of WILLS (cigarette) and told Sardarji that it was an abbreviation for "Women in London Love Sadars" (WILLS) The Sardarji loved the concept and started smoking and soon became a chainsmoker. "Yeah. Balwant plants the tree saplings and Gurpreet fills in the hole."
☻A sardar was recently hired at an office.
" The Sardar said. So the two sardars swapped their sandwiches. but he always started reading from the middle. The man replied. A friend of his asked why he did so?" It'z doubly interesting".. I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow. February 2nd.. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it. I want my money! If you're not going to give me my 20 lakhs right now. Name two days of the week that begin with "T". Blonde Sardarini... "For best results. "Look. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions: 1. March 2nd. then I will marry you next year. He goes to Delhi to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number." complained the pub-owner. the man explained that he would only get a lakh that day and the rest during the next 19 weeks. Yes. She showed him the instructions on the tin. even though it's not the answer I expected. January 2nd. The Sardar. Q. "Oh. Thinking this was a little strange. 2. We give >you one lakh today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 weeks. no.
☻Two Sardars went into a pub and after ordering two beers took some sandwiches out of their pockets and started to eat them. The Sardar says. " Again. furious with the man. so your answer is correct. screams out."
☻Q:) Why does sardarji brings binoculorses in his own marriage? A:) To see his far reletavies. And would this couple be as smart as other people? A. How many seconds are there in a year? The Sardar thought for a few minutes and answered. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow." Sardar: "No Problem. "Well. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. "No. etc. What would you call an Irish lady that marries a Sardarji? A. 2. sir.
☻ A Sardar buys a ticket and wins the lottery. Saint Peter said.. then I want my five rupees(of ticket) back!
☻A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a Sardarni painting the walls. It doesn't work that way. said the Sardar. put on two coats"
. But how did you get only 12 seconds in a year?" The Sardar replied.
☻Q. "TO start from the middle keeps one curious not only about its conclusion but also about its beginning". "OK. ?You can't eat your own sandwiches in here." Saint Peter lets him in without another word
☻Sardar to Sunita: "I want to marry you" Sunita: "But I am one year elder to you. "I want my 20 lakhs. since math says 50%+50%=100%
☻A sardar was very fond of sensational and detective novels. 1. he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall. There are 12 seconds in a year.22
☻A Sardar died and went to heaven.
"The doctor told me to check sugar level regularly. how would you recognize him? He quickly adds. Opens sugar box. "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds.that's because the picture I showed is his side profile. flips his hair and says. finally one great Sardarji gave a suggestion with a huge volume "Lets fight with Indian Government." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response. how would you recognize him?"
The first SARDAR answers.. that's an interesting answer. checks the suspect's file in his computer. "Ha! Ha! Haaa! I've seen ur password...." The SARDAR looks at the picture intently for a moment and says. "What's the matterwith you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?" Extremely frustrated at this point. there was at last a thin voice asking "What about if we win ?"
☻A policeman was interviewing 3 SARDARS who were getting trained to become detectives. he shows the first SARDAR a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.. "That's easy. Ha! Ha! Haaa! U r wrong."
☻Sardar's Interview☻ Sardar went to an interview. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear." bolo ta ra ra raa.. Each of them started giving suggestions .. we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says.
. "Well.. Interviewer: Have u heard of "MIKE TYSON"?? Sardarji: Yes Sir. how would you recognize him?" The second SARDAR smiles. "Wow! I can't believe it. Wait here for a few minutes while I check this file and I'll get back to you on that. Declare war on America.. The first sardar replies. sees it and closes. "What are you doing?" Sardarji replies. "Well.. he shows the picture to the third SARDAR and in a very testy voice asks. Good work! How were you able to make such an acute observation?" "That's easy.uh. "The suspect wears contact lenses. "This is your suspect. Again he comes after sometime opens sugar box and closes.... The sardar behind him in the line said. "Wow" the crowd cheered up. We will be definetly defeated by America and we shall be the part of the America and then they will obviously develop our punjab also"... Wife asks. his wife sees this. "This is your suspect. Its 1258
☻Punjab Develpoment☻ Once all Sardarji's clubed together and decided to develop Punjab and they wanted the Punjab as a Developed State. get freedom from India then." the SARDAR replied. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Interviewer: Can u tell me his father's name?? Sardar thought for a while & replied : "MIKE TIE" !! BEST FRIEND JOKES ☻A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your successes. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect." He leaves the room and goes to his office.... Its 4 asterisks(****). he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second SARDAR and asks him "This is your suspect.
☻Sardarji enters kitchen. and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.23
☻A sardar was drawing money from ATM.." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.. Think hard before giving me a stupid answer..
☻There is no friendship.you give your whole heart to your love & they BREAK IT but you give your broken heart to a friend & they MAKE IT Thats Friendship ☻All flowers cant debit LOVE but ROSE did it All birds cant symbolize PEACE but DOVE did it
. ☻Life is nothing without friendship. ☻True friendship comes when silence between two people is comfortable. but always offer support no matter what the circumstances are. ☻Friendship improves happiness and abates misery. ☻Difference between love & friendshp. ☻Friendship is like money.24
☻Real friendship is most notable in those times of trouble. by the doubling of our joy and the dividing of our grief. always remember that our friendship is more then just words. its about who came and never left. Times of prosperity are full of 'friends'.. like that of the parent for the child.neverends. Best Friends are the people worth living for. no love. ☻Friendship often ends in love. ☻Two people can't wish to be friends long if they can't manage to forgive each other's minor failings. but trust me you will never loose my friendship.. ☻Side by side or miles apart. ☻Life without friendship is like the sky without sun. yet still manages to like you anyway ☻If time slips away and you havent heard a word from me. ☻Friends r like mirrors they are our reflection you r **beep** lucky I look good !!! ☻It must have been a very rainy day when U were born but it wasnt rain. Never do they question. easier made than kept. but love in friendship -. ☻Friendship is a single soul living in two bodies. ☻Love is friendship set on fire. ☻True friends are those who are there for you unconditionally. so I got two Girlfriends ☻We win and loose things everyday. ☻There is no distance too far between best friends. I should be more Affectionate. it was d sky who was Crying coz it lost its most BEAUTIFUL star
☻If friends were flowers i would not pick you.. for friendship gives wings to the heart. ☻A best friend is somebody who knows every last thing about you. who came first or who cares the best. its a feeling of togetherness!! ☻My girlfriend told me. I will allways be there. i'll let u grow & cultivate u with love n care so i can keep u as a friend 4ever ☻Friendship isnt about whom you have known the longest. dear friends are always close to the heart..
CHOOSING me as your FRIEND is a form of. It is nice to have a friend like U making my everyday seems so great.
. well.. You might lose some. Fate might break me apart.
RULES TO BE HAPPY 6 rules to be HAPPY: Free your heart from hatred. Sweet. Funny. ä friend is ä living treäsüre & if yoü häve 1.
FRIENDS LIKE HAIR Friends are like a head of hair.. ehem GOOD TASTE!
BE MY FRIEND If U need a friend and there are a hundred steps between us. Free your mind from worries.. Give more & Always have ME as UR FRIEND
FRIENDS Time might lead me to nowhere.
NICE FRIENDS A day is going to end again. a kiss is a form of affection.
RING I wish I were a ring Upon my girlfriend's hand. along my life's journey I found a friend like U..we tend 2 run so fast that we dont notice FRIENDS are running with us. Intelligent. Live simply. Expect less. Have a nice day ☻Sometimes in life.
ABOUT ME Handsome..
FRIENDSHIP TEST.. but with enough $money$ you can buy them back.. to pick us....... Thank U my good friend lastly gd nite n sweet dreams. Enough about ME! How about you?
GOOD TASTE A phone is a form of communication.. yoü häve one öf the most välüäble gifts and life thanks for being one. Charming. I'll always be thankful that once.a*laugh* is a sign of happiness & a frend like me is a sign of YOUR DAM GOOD CHOICE ☻A friend is 1 of nicest thngs you can häve & one öf the best things you can be.we only notice THEM when we fall & THEY stop. Spontaneous.... Not Visible But Always There. you can take the 1st step to get near me and i will take all 99 step to be there for you.25
All friends cant enter in my HEART buT you did it ☻A True Friend Is Not Like The Rain That Pours And Goes Away But Like The Air.. Good Looking. Nice Friends. 'Cause everytime she'd wipe her rear I'd see the promised land. ☻A*smile* is a sign of joy a *hug* is a sign of love. A picture is a form of remembrance.
and not how U Let Go but how U hold oN!!!
A RING A ring is round and has no end.
LEAVING FOOTPRINTS Many people will walk in and out of your life. It cOmEs wHeN u ParT waYs & u ReaLizE tHat dEsPitE tHe dIsTanCe.. hahaha
ALWAYS THERE FOR YOU.. they are real and rare. a blessing dats rare & true. and that's how long I'll be your friend.26
thE tEst oF fRiEndsHip dOseN't cOmeS wHen u R 2GethEr. i will treasure the friendship between us. I laugh again... I laugh.
FRIENDSHIP MEANS. each day is never a waste. dats the gift of a wonderful friend like the friend dat i have in u!
WAT U SEE Wat u see as truth wat u see as lies remember that true friendship never dies although we may change & drift apart. U cry. I look down n then.... Friends are like stars.. U laugh. As long as we have Friendship. thE fRiEndshIp iS sTilL tHeRe... they are meant to enter your life to bring you joy and laughter. U jump out of d window.. as long as we have hope.. Best friends listen to what you don't say. tomorrow awaits...
WONDERFUL FRIEND There is a gift that gold cannot buy.. So... You can't always see them. False friends are like leaves. I want u 2 know that our friendship means a lot 2 me. ill always value u deep within my heart!
FATE 2B FRIENDS A friend is never a coincidence in your life.
FRIENDS True friends are like Diamonds. they are scattered everywhere. FRIENDSHIP isn't how U forGet but how U forGive.. Friends listen to what you say. As long as we have memories..
AS LONG AS.....
WHAT YOU SAY Everyone hears what you say. But you know they are always there for you. yesterday remains.... Not what U see but how U feel... Not how U liSten but how U UnderStand. but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart. I cry..
Because.. 'Because you came home early. DuN ThInK I LeFt U BeHiNd. we lose ppl we love but we never lose true friends. please make all my friends fat.'
NEVER LOSE ME! We gain and lose things every day.
.. if He did.. I saw a guy jogging naked.
BEHIND YOU DuRiNg OuR FrIeNdShIp. ThiS mAkeS mE reAlisED tHat. put on a shirt and a button fell off. u get OLDER. why are you doing that?' He said. Can you also make me sexy? If you can't make me sexy. i get BETTER. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. NEVER LOSE TRUE FRIENDS I always thought loving some1 was the greatest feeling... but I realised tat loving a friend is even better. Just like us. 'Hey buddy. I said to the guy.
HOME EARLY 1 day as I came home early from work..
PATH OF FRIENDSHIP The sun is glazing. ThErE wIlL B TiMeS U wOn't SeE Me BeSiDe U.. They are hard 2 replace.. I got up this morning. I JuSt ChOsE To WaLk BeHiNd U So I CaN CaTcH U WhEn U Fall. Amen.27
PRICETAGS GOD is so wise that he never created FRIENDS with pricetags.
WITHOUT A FRIEND LIKE U EveRyDay I seE LoTs oF StRangErS PasSiNg By mE. upon the sunlight i see the path of our friendship shining brightly knowing that it is so great to have a friend like YOU!
NIGHT PRAYER Dear God..
FALLING APART Its been a rough day. Friendships is like wine: it gets BETTER as it grows OLDER. thank you for making me healthy. But trust me on one thing: YOU WILL NEVER LOSE ME! I will always be there as a friend!
BEST FRIEND A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.. I can't afford a precious FRIEND like YOU!!!
OLD FRIENDS Never abandon old friends. WiThoUt A FriEnD LiKE U. I'm afraid 2 go 2 the bathroom. LifE woUlD be BORING.
. it never matters how many waves are there. friends like the waves..28
SHOOTING STARS The times we shared is like shooting star.. YOU sacrifice A lot To keep them. that's definitely a lifetime PROMISE!
FLOWER If friends were flowers I would not pick you! I'll let you grow in the garden & cultivate you with love and care so I can keep you as a friend 4ever!! FALLING APART .. the time is short but really beautiful moments. became friends by CHOICE..
☻True Frnds see yoU true. but im sure l wasnt wrong in choosing you 2 be my friend
☻A lover makes you realise how wonderful the world is. still friends by DECISION. A masterpiece worth reading million times
☻lm not wealthy but I have a rich heart.Friend is a book with only one copy published. I may not have sacrificed enough 4 you. BuT To Have An UnDeRsTaNdiNg FriEnd iS FaR MoRe WoRtH tHaN GoLd~!
PROMISE We've known each other by CHANCE. but in my HEART I swear I'm keeping you. what matters is which one touches the seashore. Forever engraved in our hearts.. And when we say FRIEND FOREVER. Friends forever~!!!
KEEPING A FRIEND KeEping a FRIEND is As Difficult AS losing one. l may not right in evrythng... l am not the best but I always try my best. THAT's LIFE
☻When u draw a circle with friendship as radius & love as center u will always find me on the circumference
☻Treat life as the sea. your heart as the seashore. But its a friend who makes you realise how wonderful you are to the world. Best of all they dont judge you & simply love you coz ur you PRICELESS GIFT FriEndSHiP iS A PRiCeLeSs GiFt tHaT cAn'T Be BoUgHt Or SoLd. Feel glad when your dreams come true.... Believe in things you wanna do. You are one of the best books ever written.
. life is hard. Without friends like you. as long as the world stands.. but is on how DEEP the ROOTS HAVE GROWN.. life is hopeless... smile when your sad.
OUT OF MY CONTROL Meeting you was fate. 'format' ur problems.. If you need money. You'll always be my FRIEND.. life sux.. 'save' u in my heart. If you need me.. I'm surrounded by angels but I call them my best friends. If you need a friend. word when your quite... 'shift' u 2 opportunities & never 'delete' u from my memory!
FRIENDS ALWAYS In this WORLD. come to me..
FRIENDSHIP The ship that will never sink is my friendship with you.. It is not MEASURED on how TALL it could be.
MEMORY LASTS FOREVER A memory lasts forever.. but falling in love with you was completely out of my control.. All friends never split and even if they do they will meet again. beyond WORDS. only one thing is DEFINITE. Without courage.
FRIENDS 4 LIFE Without humor. touch when your lost. . and never does it die. me 'enter' ur life.29
SUBSCRIBER CANNOT BE REACHED If you need advice..... becoming your friend was choice.. Without love..
Whos a frnd? A push when you stop. the kind that heaven sends.. life is impossible!
COMPUTER A good friend is like a computer.
NEVER SPLIT I met you as a stranger. I leave you as a friend. beyond TIME & beyond DISTANCE!
ANGEL FRIENDS I believe in angels. text me. your all that 4 me. our friendship never ends. True friends stay together and never say good bye. where everything seems UNCERTAIN.. call me. a shoulder when you cry. THE SUBSCRIBER CANNOT BE REACHED!
COMPARE FRIENDSHIP is like a tree.
. Ü shud be proud to have a true friend like me! friends never leave each other friends never part they just some times sit silently deep in each others heart saying.. ANOTHER YOU. but a FRIEND says i care for u. OSCAR WINNING Ur validity being myfrend is going to be expird 2day. U cant ever bring them back thats Y i hv tied u tight to my H-E-A-R-T! Bcoz u r 2 precious 2loose!! A true friend is someone who thinks that Ür a good egg even though he knows that Ür slightly cracked... sum r advnturus. Very few are like U. Another year. Another smile. "i'm still here. wat will make me happy is tht 1 day if u hear my name u'll smile n saY dats my frnd! Though my WORDS r FEW. r u?
Do you know what is FRIENDSHIP? It is the SMALLEST thing u argue 4. A summer too. Making a million friends is not a miracle.30
Happy frndshps day
In the rhythm of life v smetimes. when u r together AND MISS those SMALLEST thing when u r APART Time might lead me nowhere & fate might break me into pieces.. Ven God gav FRIENDS. bt ven I got U. Frnds I can make. today tomorrow & FOREVER!! I dont expect 2 be the most imptnt friend in ur life dats 2 much 2 ask. hug says i want u. but there'll never be. but whn we became FRENDS i jst knw tht i got d SWEETEST BOX! HAPPY FRIENDSHIP DAY! F'ship is like standin on wet cement.. bt none as SWEET as U. But as long as there are frenz 2 provide the melody. sum r romantic. Even i didnt knw. U can never go without leaving ur footprints! Another month. bt my HEART is TRUE.. So Hurry Rechrg Now !!
. crush says i like u. the miracle is to make a friend who will stand by you when a million are against you. sum r comedy.. Happy frdship day! Love says i love u. Another winter. sum r musical..HAPPY FRIENDSHIP DAY Life s like box of chocolates u never knw wht u gonna get. longer U stay harder it is 2 leave & if U ever leave.. the music plays on!' HAPPY FRIENDSHIP DAY.he tried 2 b FAIR.I got MORE than my SHARE! F-R-I-E-N-D-S are like balloons. but I will always be THANKFUL that once in my life's journey we became FRIENDS Frnds r like films. n yet othrs r tragedy... Another tear. Plz Rechrg ur frendship a/c immdiatly by Sending 4-5 sweet & Cool msgs. smile says i adore u. once u let them go. find ourselvs 'Out of tune'.
but having a friend like u. Hope this story never has an nding Often v stand at life's crossroads & view wht v thnk is d END.. V WIN & LOSE thngs evryday. v cn cnvrt dis end in2 jst a BEND! 2gethr.! In the world few things r GODS gift.. stupid fights.. shoulders 2 cry. That is the kind of frnds v are Far yet so Near...having a heart break sucks. Thanks for being my FRIEND There is a story bhind every frndship. 2 b 2gether in pain.. when u have friends to share it with.. but if you find one equal and true. Our story had a wonderful bgining.
. To eat ùr head! (".falling in luv is exciting. u have 2 sit patient 4 a long time to catch a nice one. better stay nice or i'll fry u 24 sweet hrs make 1 sweet day.31
Friends r like fishes. friend. Simple yet so Precious Feeling of love. Think of me and keep in mind.) JL Happy Friendship Day Life is meaningful.. never leave the old for new . 7 sweet days make 1 sweet week... But 1 sweet frnd like u makes my life.. moments of caring. creates a miracle called FRIENDS. small small sharing.! Sometimes in life.... Bt wid d help of a true frend. But trust me on 1 thng: You will NEVER lose ME! I will ALWAYS be thr. we tend to run so fast that we dont notice FRIENDS r running with us.. You are the best heart surgeon in the world. Each frnd v make is a start of each story.. we only notice THEM when we fall & THEY stop ... a faithful friend is hard to find..TOTALLY ROCKS. v cn alwys mke a diff. Thank u for sharing my life with me...
Certain frnds touch our heart & v cant stop thinking about them.. . just like i caught u.2 pick us up. 4 sweet week make 1 sweet month... mother's love father's advice brother's care sister's fight baby's smile & ours frendship. Having a crush is sweet.. b'coz you made a place in my HEART without cutting & spilling it..
5. 8. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing -. Creative sighing for effect -. Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. 7. so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night.it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. 2. Voice mail -. Put lots of books on the floor. 9:35pm. giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure. it looks like we're not working hard enough.According to George Costanza. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.and you will get caught -. When you get caught by your boss -. it looks like "work" to the casual observer. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.32
10 Office Rules: 10. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric. last year's work looks the same as today's work. (thick computer manuals are the best). The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself. they don't have to understand what you say. "I'm sorry. thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you really do. Remember. 4.DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!
Tickle Me Elmo: There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. Pile them high and wide. Use computers to look busy -.. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read. Never walk without a document -. For the rest of us. etc. 7:05am. Look impatient and annoyed -. "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday. 1. If somebody leaves a message for you and it sounds like impending work. Screen all your calls through voice mail. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. To the observer. one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give off the impression that you're always busy.Always leave the office late. People with nothing in their hands look like they're headed for the cafeteria. 3. barely able to keep a straight face. especially when the boss is still around. but you sure sound impressive. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee..Sigh loudly when there are many people around. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. Well. thus saving valuable training dollars.only top management can get away with a clean desk." he says to her.e. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up.) and during public holidays. You can send and receive personal e-mail. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle. respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there -. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. but they're not bad either. Build vocabulary -.Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. Stacking strategy -. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're headed for the toilet. Send important e-mails at unearthly hours (i. it's volume that counts. That's no way to live.your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out.People with documents look like hardworking employees headed to important meetings.It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. MOST IMPORTANT -. Messy desk -. etc. chat and have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. 6. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's."
. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about.Any time you use a computer. Leave the office late -.Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives. 9. Above all.they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. putting the entire production line behind schedule.
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles. Your credit card has been charged $5. Be prepared for my mood. 9: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. 3. sir. You are currently in 352nd place. Please restart your computer and try sending again. " said the boss. Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem. 10: I've run away to join a different circus.
If You Get Caught Sleeping at Your Desk 1. The coffee machine is broken." said the boss. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
." responded the young man. 2. chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
"If you're going to work here young man.99 for each additional word in your message. 2: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress. This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people! 6." "Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?" "Oh.99 for the first ten words and $1. 9."
"Out-Of-Office" E-Mail Auto-Reply: 1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. They told me at the blood bank this might happen. 5: Thank you for your email. and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks. Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP). worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. 7. I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm! 5. which has been added to a queuing system. Don't bother to leave me any messages. 4. This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to. "the number two thing you must learn is that we are very keen on cleanliness in this firm. Please wait by your PC for my response. There is no mat. Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper. 10.'(The beauty of this is that when you return. 7: Thank you for your message. yes. 8: Hi. 4: I will be unable to delete all the unread. 3: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management. 6: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. "And another thing the number one thing we are very keen on is truthfulness. I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend. If I was in. you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over). 8. I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me.
This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny! NAME: Greg Bulmash. SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person. DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. SALARY: Less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes. DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely. SIGN HERE: Aries.
Ways To Have Fun in the Workplace Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after you boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-Cha."
Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom." Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Marge. Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way. Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document. Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they want fries with that. Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing. Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN." Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers. Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "oh you've got to be faster than that. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.
WINTER JOKES The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared. Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?" The man on the phone responded, "This winter is going to be quite cold indeed." So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"
Q: Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman than a regular one? A: You have to hollow out the head.
A bird was flying south for Winter, but he had left it too late and was frozen solid in a storm. He dropped down into a pasture of cows. The biggest, fattest cow was doing a crap there, and the bird landed in it. At first
he was disgusted, until he realised the poo was thawing him out! He started crying out for joy as the ice melted. A cat that was nearby heard the cries, walked over, saw the bird and ate it There are three morals to this story: 1. Not everyone who gets you into shit is your enemy 2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend 3. If you are in shit, keep your mouth shut
Peekaboo Street (the US Olympian) apparently came into a lot of money because of her Olympic performance this winter. Rather than spend it on herself, she showed a lot of character by donating it to a local hospital. The primary facility the hospital needed was a retrofit of the Intensive Care Unit, so in her honor, the hospital board is going to name the new unit, "Peekaboo, I.C.U."
DIRTY JOKES A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, 'I wish I had bigger tits'. The boyfriend says 'well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months'. 'How will that help to make my tits bigger?' asks the girlfriend. 'Well it worked for your ass' says the boyfriend.
A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a classoom observation. He took out a jar of yellow liquid. "This," he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and taste." After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths. After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth."
Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"
There was this woman who had bags under her eyes and wanted to get them removed so she could look younger so she went to a plastic surgeon. She tells the doctor I cant get rid of these bags please help me. The doctor says he is gonna try and new experimental technique on her. He will put a crank in the back of her head and when she sees bags under her eyes she's supposed to crank it and the bags will go away. So she gets this crank put in her head and leaves. It works and works for a while until one day she cant get rid of these bags under her eyes. She cranks and cranks as hard as she can but they just wont go away. So she goes to the doctor. She says to the doctor: "Doctor, this was working for a while, but I cant seem to get rid of these bags under my eyes." The doctor replies: "Lady those aren't bags... those are your tits!" All she had to say was, "Now that would explain why I have this goatee."
A guy is walking past a bus stop and says to a woman "Can I smell your cunt?" "Fuck off, no you can't smell my cunt!" the woman yells back at him, "Oh" he replies, looking slightly confused, "it must be your feet then".
"Now class. Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. "Tell me about the day you died?". and it got a head on it. yellow. But.. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day. and since it was a crime of passion." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. who promptly answered "An apple. It's soft. Billy." said the second man. then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!" St. "No. just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night." the teacher replies. sir." The man said. St. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below.. I'm afraid it's a potato. if I want. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. Here's another: it's long. I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit. "No. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. so I came home early to catch her with him. so he speaks up loudly. wisely ignored him and picked Deborah. I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway.. unless I tell you otherwise." the teacher replies. it was awful. and at what time I want. that's fine with me. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking. and fairly hard.. jump into bed. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man. for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. Peter chuckled. he said to the third man in line."
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says. I went inside. "it's a quarter." Of course. it was awful." Well. I don't know what else to do. But I like your thinking. but I like your thinking!"
. you're obviously taking the wrong approach. plumb and red."
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. but landed in some bushes. I was sure my wife was having an affair. "it's a squash. and colored red and brownish. the husband laid down some rules. "That's disgusting!" "Nope..37
A couple were married and. So I went out onto the balcony. I don't expect any hassle from you. and I died. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. "Oh. hiding inside a refrigerator. "You know. and started hitting his hands. Okay. "No Deborah." "Johnny!" she cries. But. I get undressed in the bathroom. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. I screech into the driveway. "Well." St. we live on the 25th floor. Those are my rules. I've got it: it's round. picture this.. Luckily I landed in some bushes. it's a beet. boozing. but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. I'll go hunting. I've got one for you teacher. storm up the steps. I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening. slam the door. He fell. "Tell me about the day you died. whether you're here or not. but the teacher. "No. "Well. "Hey. got a hammer." Now for the second. and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. throw my shoes into the closet." answers Johnny. I sneak up the stairs. rub my hands on my wife's ass and say. let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "OK." Johnny is kind of irritated now. Okay. "And. but I like your thinking." she says. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Any comments?" His new bride replied. he let the man in. fishing. "A banana." The teacher replied. let me put my hand in my pocket. Johnny raised his hand high. So." he said." he insisted. Also. following the wedding. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.. I take my shoes off before I go into the house. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack. and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. I'm naked. so. but I like your thinking. 'How about a blowjob?' . "I'll be home when I want. fuzzy. first: it's round. and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want."
It got crowded in heaven. hard. and she's always sound asleep.
yes. at this point. What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant. The doctor thought for a moment and said. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It's not hard. What's six inches long. The woman started screaming. What's the difference between love. replied: "Change of plan. except his own. "Oh my god. Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds? Because most men are stupid." The husband nodded and gave his approval. concentrating very hard. still concentrating. suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. The doctor. true love and showing off? Spitting. whatever. The young lady said "Yes. anal sex makes your hole weak. two inches wide. He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises. what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a few gentle strokes.. inserted it into the young lady's vagina. just get on with it. there's a bee in my vagina!"." So the doctor. "Now wait a minute. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper".38
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. "Hmm. How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick. The doctor. looked like he was enjoying himself. the doctor said. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day. what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he blasted. What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig? A man who hates every bone in a woman's body. What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common? They can both smell it but can't eat it. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. I'm gonna drown the bastard!!" Check out our other Dirty Jokes pages. The young lady began to quiver with excitement. and drives women wild? Money. The husband. The doctor said "OK. after covering the tip of his penis with honey. "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. swallowing and gargling. The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. What do blondes and the Bermuda triangle have in common? They've both swallowed a lot of semen. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit". but few are blind. The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina.. help me. tricky situation. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts. doctor!" she shouted. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. "Oh doctor. she began to moan and groan aloud. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
As Adam's thing. and blew the leaves away. "Son. "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air.39
She is the one who can eat the last donut! What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom? A pick pocket snatches watches. "Dad. In this garden. when Dad came home from work. There was Eve's treasure. and filled her with passion. Under Eve's eyes. the wind came along. At the sight. without any clothes. A few days later. Billy rushed out to meet him yelling. "Jesus I'm coming.
. As the story goes on. a nice big tree. Never the less to say. While thrill after thrill. All covered with hair. When his Dad came home Billy said. and wider apart. as everyone knows. "Well Dad. And wonder came. I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming. Lives Adam and Eve. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said. They found a spot. that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven. Came into her heart. I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
In the Garden of Eden. one covered Adam's. Her legs spread wider." said little Billy. were two little leaves. Beyond her control. Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad. Peeked into the hole. that suited them best. The head of Adam's thing. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. started to rise." "Gee Dad that's great. where they began to rest.
Dirty Joke about Little Billy Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Adam did stare. one covered Eve's.
for me and you. Was all out of juice. People did screw. and now it is time. She wouldn't let loose. and lay in the grass. for a piece of that ASS!
Ben & Jerry's New Presidential (Clinton) Flavors Slick Willie Double Nut Joy Subpoenas 'n' Cream Impeach-Mint Candy Pants Chocolate Chip Doughboy Chilly Hillbilly Draft-Dodging Pot-Smoking Intern-Nailing Raspberry Swirl Vanilla Pantsachio Subpoena Colada Biscuits 'n' Gravy Horny Bubba Crunch Arkansas Peach Subpoena Butter Cup Peppermint Fattie Captain Cream Tubby Bubba Hillary Chiller Fundraising Coffee Oval Office Surprise Arkansas Smoothie Hyperactive Nuts
. Until Adam's thing. The joy was good. Then down through the years. His thing did slide. because I'm in the mood. And Eve's treasure. So pull down your pants.40
Backward and forward. was all wet inside.
com 2) Ken Starr launches an investigation into your relationship with the mysterious "tubby@whitehouse." nodded the psychiatrist. hairy man." "For God's sake.
A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. and she's dialing in from Langley. He decides to go over and chat her up. 12) Her postmaster rejects your e-mail not as "undeliverable" but as "unlikely to get you anywhere. 5) He claims to be the richest man in the world." 11) After months of shared experiences and emotional investments. After ten minutes of the bloke pestering her. 3) She's suddenly changed her address to comingout@lesbian.Fast!@cyber-promotions." she pleaded. but his GIF looks like some geek who works for a software company. L.Money. 13) You: Large. want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter. she had had
." 9) Your cyber-lover is just too busy editing that silly little Top 5 List. Woman: Can I get it over the counter? Pharmacist: If you give me two of them. you can
14 Signs Your Online Relationship Isn't Working Out 14) You discover that "Chesty McBust" isn't her real name. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward. I end up in bed with him. hairy man. no doubt. rather than the geeky 14 year old boy she'd pretended to be.com has become cold and distant.'s face in the JPEG she sent because she's obscured by her 25 cats. "And you.000 points. 6) You can barely make out your S. she lets a reference to cutting her chin shaving slip by. Your online girlfriend: Large. 'I think you're wasting your time. you must help me. VA.41
Viagra Joke Woman: Can I get Viagra here? Pharmacist: Yes."
A bloke is sat at a bar when he sees this gorgeous woman waiting for her date. 7) You discover that she has been cutting and pasting her orgasms. you discover that the object of your affection is a curvaceous 18 year old. I'm only interested in women' said the woman. 8) Getting perhaps a bit too comfortable. 10) "Returned mail: User unknown and never wants to hear from you again." "I see. I bet I can change your mind' said the bloke. "Doctor. Make. 4) Since her first e-mail. NO!" exclaimed the woman. I feel guilty and depressed for a week.gov" 1) In an ironic twist of fate. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy. she attacks you in the Mines of Quarn with a Vorpal Sword when she learns you're worth 45. And then afterward. 'Oh come on.
The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket. when asked by a friend to identify the lover. The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket. I'll stay with you for a week". "All I know for sure is that it was a partner -. The frog pipes up. Finally. I've never come across your faces before.. "I don't have time for sex. the associate was puzzled. I never know you to be one to be prejudiced against handicaps. she ran out and yelled. I told him that I once broke-up with a girl long ago because she had a seemingly incurable speech impediment. They are walking down the hall when President Clinton sees them. However. After months of the social isolation that comes from eighty hour work weeks. if you kiss me. "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me. "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you great sex for a whole year!". 'OK' said the woman 'I'll sleep with you if you can do anything for me that my vibrator can't!' 'OK. I paused and reflected. and saw a beautiful model walking towards them. the associate was happy to reciprocate.. barman get this lady a drink' he said. the frog says "OK." one said." he replies. A few minutes later. OK.42
enough. "What's wrong with you? I've promised you great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss a frog?" "I'm a programmer. "What a babe. But a talking frog is pretty neat. the frog says. I'll give you great sex for a week"."
Reasons For Being Fired From Toys 'R' Us
. "My husband's home! My husband's home!"
Over drinks one afternoon a buddy of mine and I were discussing former "loves". The programmer smiles and walks on. "Jimmy."
A young associate was romantically ambushed in a darkened room of the law firm.I had to do all the work. "Gee. "I'd sure like to fuck her!" "Really?" the other responded. He was glad for the interlude because it taught him how much his wife loved him. A few minutes later. She was so thrilled to have him around that when a delivery man or the mailman arrived."
A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. "Out of what?" Clinton Joke Two new young interns are hired in the White House. 'let's see your vibrator do that?'
A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The President walks up and says.. I'm shocked. "She couldn't say 'yes'. George said. What was the girl's problem?" Taking a sip."
Two lawyers were walking down Rodeo Drive.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl. 12. "You'll be the first. kid -." 3."
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. "Barbie's Struggle for Survival in Post-Nuclear Holocaust Malibu" was not exactly an overwhelming success. he said again.I'm on break. She says. You went overboard with your GI Joe Militia display by adding the Tonka truck full of fertilizer. This was the first time he had seen them. It should be okay next week. 11. it's still in the CRATE!"
A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. 1. Impromptu demonstrations of why Malibu Ken is not anatomically correct. Caught hocking phlegm into tykes' hands and telling them it was "homemade Gack. The "My Little Taxidermy Kit" (with starter squirrel) is not selling. 9. Numerous parental complaints about your "Tickle Me Carl The Stock boy" display. Your sales display." How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way. 7. he falls to the ground. she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. A few minutes later she asked. ―Now do you want to get in the back seat?‖ "No. They start talking as the doctor is examining his eyes. Source of reefer smoke finally traced to "nostrils" of Geoffrey the Giraffe. "Bite me." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage. Writhing in agony."
The Kentuckian and his gal were embracing passionately in the front seat of the car. "Look at this. if you know what I mean." The doc said . Too many reports from people who swear they saw Geoffrey the Giraffe in a leather bar. 6. Jaws of life needed to pull your knees out of your chest after you jackknifed a Big Wheel. 14. Every time you're passed over for a promotion. he replied. an impressive work of art. "You need to stop masturbating. 2. no one has ever touched these breasts. Got caught doing your Dolly Parton impression with basketballs again. "Nope". 8. In the middle of their conversation. "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. When he finally gets himself to the doctor. 5. You got caught adding a garage to your house using embezzled Lego bricks. Regardless of the question. "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"
. A little too much joie de vivre while demonstrating the erector set. the doctor casually says." He whips down his pants and says. I don't".43
15." The guy replies." 13. 10. he says. you answer. "Want to go in the back seat?" she asked. you stick your head in an Easy Bake Oven and threaten to "end it all. and wired it all together. 4. "I wanna stay here in the front seat with you. marries. Cross-dressing the Ken and Barbie dolls and telling kids they're the new "Jerry Springer" edition. and on his honeymoon night in the motel room.
" Jeff said. how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead."
A man was going door-to-door doing a sexual survey in Jeff's neighborhood. "Three times. WARSADAP -.Cigar-Wielding President 8. Ma said oh and continued rocking. the problem remained exactly how to word this new commandment so that it matched the other commandments in style and holy inspiration. "Well.Heroin Addict with Great Sense of Humor 5.Show Tune-Loving Straight Male 4. Now. "No. so you will always remember me. can you tell me what's wrong?" The doctor replied.44
The doctor says. some day you goin a be runna da bussiness. He says to the doctor. RHMI -. "That makes sense. "I've felt so weird lately. Ma reached over and slapped Pa. Pa said what was that for? Ma said for knowing the difference. STLSM -. CWP -." the inquirer said." Jeff said without hesitation. You lisina to me. WSUBFC -. I can clearly see your nuts!"
Ma and Pa where rocking on the front porch when Pa turned and slapped Ma." Last week a very important meeting took place among God.Single White Female Who Has Blown the President 3. she's my wife. After great meditation and discussion they concluded: "Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff.Really Hip Macarena Instructor 6.Janet Reno Look-Alike 9. MSG S/G W/B M/F KOPWPFYB -. They were troubled because the President of the United States was behaving in an inappropriate manner and there were many people who saw nothing wrong in what he had done. writing.Extremely Hairy White Chick 2. EHWC -. "How often a week do you sleep with your wife?" asked the inquirer.Will Screw Ugly Bastards for Cash
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. lotsa money. JRLA -. They decided that the only course of action left was to create an 11th Commandment to get their message across. HAWGSOH -. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol. the Pope and Moses. a biga home
. but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room. Doc. SWFWHBTP -. But grandpa I really don't like guns. "after all.Moon walking Single-Gloved Straight/Gay White/Black Male/Female King Of Pop With Predilection For Young Boys 7."
A guy walks INTO a psychiatrist's office covered only in Saran Wrap. Ma said what was that for? Pa said for forty years of bad sex. you goina have a beautiful wife.
Top Ten Acronyms Least Used In Personal Ads 10.Works At Radio Shack and Drives A Pinto and the Number One 1. "That is once more often than your neighbor.
a few weeks later. Martha." "Damn. they soon discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of. "I thought it died yesterday. and there's nothing but making love until noon. "Yes Martha. Where is Eve now?" Adam replied. the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. eat some good breakfast. Later in the day God saw Adam and asked where he and Eve were earlier. I can hear you. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her. Today is the viewing"
One fine morning in Eden. but couldn't find them. we nap until two and then make love again until about five. I should be in the third grade!' Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Larry's problem. "It did. this is John. The principal and the first grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he belonged. I knew this would happen. you have sinned. The teacher suggested they try some biology questions. we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p." The man replies. what is it like where you are?" "It's great. Martha." "What do you do all day?" asked Martha." God said. this is Martha. There are azure skies. his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. "It died today. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say. Adam said.45
and maybe a couple od bambino. she called out. then. "Adam. he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the room and said. "Well. a soft breeze. the nurse replied The next day the man has his penis hanging outside of his pants again. True to her word. At the séance." says God. "She's down at the river. 'Legs!' Larry immediately replied. 'What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?' asked the teacher. Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said. "What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't?' asked the teacher." "Oh that's terrible!". we get up before sunrise."
There were two lovers. "now all the fish will smell funny." Martha was somewhat taken aback. After dinner. the young man died in a car wreck. who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation." Martha tearfully asked. Well. A young nurse says "Why are you doing that?" He replies. "John. washing herself out. God was looking for Adam and Eve. The same nurse says. "The morning Eve and I made love for the first time.m. "TIMES UP"?
A man at a retirement home was walking around with his zipper down holding his penis. 'I don't belong here. Unfortunately.. where are you?" "I'm a bull in Montana. "Is that what heaven really is like?" "Heaven? I'm not in heaven. "Oh John. They vowed that if either died. I should be in third grade!' The teacher looked at little Larry's records and told him to please take his seat.
. the grass is so green and the cows have such beautiful eyes. 'I don't belong here. After lunch. sunshine most of the time. some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man." "Well. John."
On little Larry's first day of first grade. 'Pockets!' said Larry..
Now they're on their honeymoon at a resort in Montego Bay. which is also worth 50% of the mark. she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Since they had been there before."
This fellow was so deeply in love that just before he was married. "What would you like to do first. it was wousy. he guessed her correct weight. on the other hand. "How'd it go?" Kim responded. By mid-afternoon he realized that there was not a single male soul in the vicinity who had not made a valiant attempt only to be left peniless (pun).46
The teacher looked at the principal. After some time the king grew suspicious of the queen's escapades and wanted to punish the subjects willing to risk their lives for a fling with her. who said. signed up for evening classes and attended diligently. The magician built an invisible contraption that was attached to the queen's waist." she responded. he had his bride's name tattooed on his love muscle. and completed the exam with tremendous skill. They ambled over to the weight guesser.. Back to the weight guesser they went. John figured she was really weird and took her home early. and John lost his dollar. He asks the bloke. You put the engine back together again perfectly. The mechanism was simple. Having set his trap the king set off on a hunting trip and returned to his palace after spending a sleepless week and burning with curiosity." "That's right. Next the couple went on the ferris wheel.
. Your wife. it would slice any elongated object that ventured anywhere within an inch of the queen's waist."
John took his blind date to the carnival. on inspection found the only man who had a penis left on him! Pleased with his minister's loyalty he asked him as to what punishment would befit all the others and in reply received only a blubbering sound from the minister's mouth." she said. it read 117 and she won a prize. 'Maybe he should be in third grade. "I want to get weighed. learning all she could. "I want to get weighed. "I want to get weighed. Normally. The only man left was his minister and to his surprise the king. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved. One night. The king was short in vital parts and the queen had to seek solace with every Dick. only the first and last letters were visible. Kim?" asked the man. she prepared carefully for weeks. John again asked Kim what she would like to do. in the men's room. When the ride was over. Fearing an error. she called the instructor.
A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic." said the girl. "Oh. although when he was aroused. Immediately after his arrival he summoned the queen's private bodyguards to his foyer and having dispatched all attendants ordered them to undress. I missed those last two questions!'
This sex researcher phones one of the participants in a recent survey of his to check on a discrepancy. answered 'several times a night'. When the results came back. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the muffler. He guessed 120 pounds. "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse you answered 'twice weekly'. Tom and Harry." There once lived a king and a queen who ruled a large kingdom. the tattoo spelled out W -E-N-D-Y. saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result. He sought the services of his court magician to help identify the culprits. When time for the practical exam approached." The instructor said. but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting. She got on the scale." replies the bloke. this fellow finds himself standing next to a tall Jamaican at the urinal. dropping her off with a handshake. you took the engine apart perfectly. asked her about the blind date.. By this time. Her roommate. "During the exam. Waura. The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "And that's how it's going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off. Laura. which was worth 50% of the total mark. All of them had lost their penises! He next summoned the palace guards and the result was the same.
"Ed Zachary Disease.
. Chang said. Husband comes home for lunch. The fax file is filled with pictures of someone's butt. "you will have a baby girl. she came upon a Chinese sex therapist named Dr. too. 4.. has the letters W-Y tattooed on his penis. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underwear. he notices that this man." and she did." The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Ed Zachary Disease was and he replied. Mine reads. "Excuse me.47
To his amazement. " said the doctor. 8. Chang. "but I couldn't help noticing your tattoo. "you haf real bad case of Ed Zachary disease. have a nice day." he says. Half hour later he walks in the house and finds his wife sliding up and down the banister! "What are you doin?" he asks. "Take off all your clothes and you crawl real fass away from me across the froor. was the reply. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive. She makes sarcastic remarks about your "software". the computer screen is all fogged up. 1. 3. After signing off.. 5. "I was on top ".'"
A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time... Lipstick on the mouse.. When the woman arrived. Chang shook his head and said. 7.. "Welcome to Jamaica. 6." She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr.that when your face rook ED-ZACHARY rike your ass!"
Top Ten Signs Your Spouse May Be Having an On-Line Affair 10. she told the doctor her symptoms and he said. "What would you like for lunch dear?" "Oh I think I'll have a shag please!" So again they shag and he returns to work. Do you have a girlfriend named Wendy?" "No way. He's gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand. Looking thru the phone book. she screams "A colon backslash enter insert!" 2. he always has a cigarette. During sex. I work for the Tourist board. "I'm warming up your dinner!!"
There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived?" "He was on top ". She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate. "You will have a boy!" the doctor exclaimed. mon. she decided that it was time to see a doctor.. Dr. In hopes of finding a solution to her problem. 9.
Newly married couple both nymphomaniacs. mon. husband comes downstairs in the morning and the wife asks what he'd like for breakfast "Oh I think I'll have a shag please!" So they go upstairs have a shag then he goes to work. Lately she sits at the computer naked. she replied.. In the morning.you crawl real fass back to me. "Now. The second woman was asked the same question.worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex probrem.
he asked the congregation. the third women. During Mass. I found a very stable guy but he was boring. cried all the time and threatened suicide. When I was 18. He made me miserable as often as happy." he said.." he said.he can't shorten a perfectly good penis. He was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.." he said. She might be able to help. But he sets off into the forest and sure enough finds the witch sitting in front of her cottage casting spells. I found a smart ambitious guy with his feet planted firmly on the ground and married him. "that wasn't what I meant. "No. your mistress is on the cover of Playboy. When I was 28." he says. "that wasn't what I meant. but directionless. Everything was an emergency.
The Perfect Breakfast As a Man Sees It You‘re sitting at the table and your son is on the cover of Wheaties.
Story of a Woman who just turned 47 When I was 16. impetuous things and flirted with everyone he met. "No. He was so ambitious that he divorced me. Has anybody seen MY cock?" All the nuns. though of course he thinks it's all a bit odd. but he was too emotional. no. When I was 25. three altar boys. but there was no passion. He rushed from one thing to another. no. a blonde. burst into tears. but I couldn't keep up with him. because every woman who sees it faints at the sight. "that wasn't what I meant. He was great fun initially and very energetic. When I turned 31. But the doctor refuses . "What's the matter?" asked the doc.. but he does happen to know a witch who lives in the forest. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up. "Am I going to have puppies?‖.. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up. But one Saturday night the cock went missing! The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning. So I decided I needed a guy with stability. I found an exciting guy. he tells the man. Because he's so desperate he decides he'll go and see her. never settling on anything. and your wife is on the back of the milk carton. I am now 47 and am looking for a guy with a big dick. "Witch.
There's a man who has fifty inch long penis.48
With this. "please help me. The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. no. So he goes to the doctor and begs him to shorten it. two priests and a goat stood up. "No. But he can't get any sex. took everything I owned. So I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life. I have a fifty inch long penis and no one will have sex with me!"
. he was a drama queen. So I decided to find a guy with some ambition. "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up. He did mad. I hoped that one day I would have a boyfriend. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a guy with some excitement. In college I dated a passionate guy. I got a boyfriend. and ran off with my best friend.
"No . and she'll have sex with you!"
. naked butt upwards. seeing as how I'm a frog and you're a man.his cock shoots up.NO. shakes his head and shouts. young and old alike. But there were only two possibilities .Jack and Mary.. She looks him straight in the eye and says "Put that away Sir. and all you have to do is lie on one of the tombstones dressed in white robe with a false beard. "I'm sorry." she says.." he roars across the pond..." he whispers. another ten inches off would be perfect! "Frog. please marry me!" "No . He won't be allowed to join our order. your penis will shrink by ten inches!" Weird though this is. the man is desperate. confused and embarrassed. "I can't do that!" The man looks down .. Well. his penis has shrunk by ten inches! It's still a bit long for sex. "I know how you can get to have sex with her!" "You do?" the guy says. Something to do with the black stockings maybe. Anyhow.. Then the most beautiful young blonde with big tits waltzes into the room and starts walking slowly down the line. so he thinks that's that. and equally qualified . tell her you're God. sure enough. any man whose bell rings will have failed the test.. So we have a test for all our prospective members. tell me!" "Every Saturday night she goes to the cemetery to pray. he thinks. so there was only one solution . and attach this bell to the end of your penis.sure enough. The woman behind the counter doesn't bat an eyelid. "quick. I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off. And. "please marry me!" The frog looks up." replies the man. "Froggy. teasing the men as she goes. "I can't possibly do that.AND FOR THE LAST TIME. his penis has shrunk by ten inches again! It's now only thirty inches long! The guy thinks this is wonderful but.. will you have sex with me?" "Oh no." Well. "No!" he croaks.more layoffs." So the men. I've got a terrible headache?"
This bloke gets on a bus and sees a nun he rather fancies. balls dangling. so he goes to join the monastery.. go on. and each time he refuses.they were both excellent workers. we must be sure that you won't be troubled by sexual impulses if join the order.not a cock shop!" "Well. "Why don't you put two hands and a face on it?"
The manager was having difficulty with profits and fixed costs. but he sees her point. This was going to be a hard decision . But when he gets off the bus.. Ask him to marry you." he mumbles. waiting expectantly.. "I'll just pick it up and leave.. When the naked woman comes into the room. he's disappointed. As the Abbott explains to the ten potential recruits. not a single bell rings." he began. Not a single erection. the bus driver stops him . at forty inches.. the bell rings furiously and goes flying off across the room with the force of his erection. can you jack off. "You do need my help. but he's delighted. sit on the bench with a little bell tied to the end of their cocks. he finds the magic frog singing quietly to itself."Hey.
A man walks into a watch and clock store. "I can't do that. still. But there's a recruitment test. "My sons.. But you must go into the forest and find the magic frog who lives in the pond. so he shouts back at the frog: "Oh. he knows that if you don't ask you don't get. "I'm sorry. I'm married to God. "I've got some bad news. Not a sound. Take your clothes off. it's all too much for him .." he shouts.but one had to go.49
She takes one look at his massive cock and then says. So he called Mary in first. Until she gets to the end of the line and pushes her butt into the man's face. sit on the bench... for he will be sorely troubled with sexual thoughts while he is in our midst. shocked.NO!"
So this guy's tired of life and fed up with not getting sex." So he bends down. He was obviously going to have to interview them both and then decide.I told you once!" the frog croaks." The guy looks down ..... "please marry me!" The frog looks extremely annoyed.. unzips his trousers and slaps his cock on the counter.sure enough." She looked at him for a moment in silence then replied: "Well. and from behind him comes the tinkling of nine little bells. so off he goes into the forest.. this is a clock shop . and must leave at once.. annoyed. so he turns to her and says: "Sister.
a genie flies out."penis". thinks the guy. in larger letters. every day the word penis getting bigger. and Divorced Barbie for $265. Sure enough. "but maybe we'd better check it out to be sure!" So. "why is Divorced Barbie $265.how did you do that?" "Simple. "it's just not long enough to go inside me!"
. "Like you do. I just gotta know . He's got only a tiny penis about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick." he demands. As he finishes.. this went on for a whole week. "Ha-ha. Ken's furniture. Finally.50
Well. The same guy comes up to him.95. the bigger it gets!"
A guy walks into a bar with his horse and offers $100 to anybody who can make the horse laugh. "Guess what? I'm the bus driver!
A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter.. the horse laughs his head off. "last week I told him I had a bigger cock than him. after some discussion. this time written slightly larger. well. Only one guy says he can do it." it declaims.00. "give me a cock that touches the floor. So he asks the assistant." The nun agrees without question. This week I showed him. The horse's owner goes over to the other guy. "I don't think this is going to work. but why not? So Saturday night sees him in the cemetery." she replies. he's pretty desperate too. the harder you rub it." he cries. She goes straight to the point: "So how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19. Sure enough. Much to his surprise. "I'm not God. "and you must have sex with me. as you would. I think. Well.. I'm the man in the bus!" "Ha-ha. he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish. The first thing they see is a Martian couple. disappointed beyond belief. Ken's car. "Why not?" he asks. the horse is sobbing. Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19. so he goes along with it and enjoys his romp with her." Whereupon both his legs fell off. he's skeptical. Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.. she found the same thing again . Again next day. but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex. "How much is Barbie?" "Well.95."
The teacher walked into the classroom to find the word "penis" chalked in small letters on the board. when they come back. so she didn't say anything. as she is desperate not to lose her virginity." cries the nun. and says: "Hey.95. So she rubbed it out again. his chance has finally come! "Genie. then whispers to the horse and they go off to the bathroom. She was a bit embarrassed." says the male Martian.95. Well." she says. "your wish is my command. they all agree to swap partners for one night. but his time he offers $200 to anyone who can make the horse cry.95." he replies." "Hey.. there was the word "penis" again. and he whispers something in the horse's ear. but rubbed it out and went on with the class. Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19."
This guy's walking along the beach when he kicks a bottle. With a red face she rubbed it out and went on with the lesson.95?" "Yeah. keeping his hood low about his face. But the next day when she came in.
It's 2022 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles.. and went on with the lesson. "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19. Amazingly. "Oh master.Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. The male Martian looks puzzled. So the following week." says Maureen. Mike and Maureen naturally want to know how they have sex.." the man declares. on Friday she went into the classroom to find chalked up: "See. Ken's boat. the guy is back in the bar with his horse again. the nun comes in and begins to pray." the guy asks.00 when all the others are only $19. hang on.. "What's the matter?" "Well. it's like this. "I am God." Great.
she asks him to drop his pants to check his size. he said. this is great service. It dangles neatly down below.. you ladies should be jealous. grabs his cock. and asks if she could have some brought up to the register. he tells the checker that he too has forgotten to get condoms." says the male Martian. Next day the two couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. he thinks. So a few weeks later. erecting when it shouldn't. "Well. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. and starts to slap his forehead with his hand. As they walk along. and she picks up the intercom and announces. She replies. It seems to have a mind all of its own.
." "No. His testicles on either side. picks the store intercom and announces. "One box of medium sized condoms to check out 10." Wow. you didn't. "Of course. suggested that he saw sex therapist to talk about it. horrified. I did. So he asks the checkout girl if she could have someone bring them.. He'd been employed there for years when he came home one day and told his wife he had a terrible compulsion. But when he gets to the register he realizes he's forgotten to pick up his condoms. she got fired too. so. He thought what he'd seen was just so cool. his cock grows till it's actually pretty long. and he'd never had any sexual experience with a woman. "Well. Bill. his willy in between. "Yes. His wife. "One box of large condoms to check out 10. the next man in line thought this was interesting and. and vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. Sure enough. picks up the store intercom and says. terribly concerned. How about you?" "It was horrible." says Mike. She reaches over the counter. His wife knew something was seriously wrong." replies Maureen. it misbehaves. With each pull. passionate love. Sir. gives him a quick feel. before they fall into bed and make mad." Well. "My God. yes. so this seemed like his big chance. Bill. but I'll just check your size. "but it was pretty wonderful. but Bill refused ."
This man's in the line at the supermarket check out. "that's very impressive. I'll try to make it quick. just when you 'spect it least. Bill looked at her. and he drops 'em. but it's still quite narrow. Bill. "Clean up crew to check out 10!"
Bill worked in a pickle factory. One quick feel. it's like an untamed beast. what's wrong?" she asked." she moaned. An organ with such lovely skin. it's smooth and mostly hairless. his cock grows wider and wider until it's huge! "Wow!" shouts Maureen. She asks him what size. It squirms and writhes and stretches out. The subject is quite simple: the joy of owning dick." A few customers back was this teen-age boy. and he starts pulling his ears. It starts to grow so quickly when a guy's about thirteen. I mean what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh.. it's softly warm and loyal. Mike says to Maureen. She just kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears. A penis is a splendid thing. and he says he doesn't know.51
"No problem. But at the slightest hint of lust. was it any good?" "I hate to say it. what happened?" "I got fired. he tells the checker he needs some condoms bringing up." she says." he says. it's ready to uncoil."
I have a little poem. Sometimes. When he gets to the register. "My God. when he gets to the check out. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh Bill." "No problem.he'd be too embarrassed." replied Bill. Bill came home one day white-faced. "all I got was a terrible headache. With each slap. So she asks him to drop his pants for her to check. Drop your pants please.
sunning on the beach. and more than that . it can get you in big trouble. It has no brain of its own. lick and play. It has some splendid functions. But if another glances back at them. it can spread viruses. It has its own agenda. A glimpse of wobbly boobs or bums will make it squirm and reach. Lesbians can try their best. no shag would be complete. moles. OK.52
A bumpy train ride sets it off. "OK. If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures. "I don't know. "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says." The man asks. 8. be sure you never chew.
Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. "Uh. That's just some old wives' tale. "Thanks. And so I'd say with certainty That every man just loves his tool: But girls. it knows which juice to shoot. for it will give great pleasure. Being a kind soul. Just suck and fondle. but it makes it hard to get any real work done. with hair clumps. some don't. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Somehow. and Bob points for him. yeah. scabs. They sneak a look in toilets. "Mr. Is seven inches long enough? It makes them quite distraught. ever bend!
Why E-mail Is Like a Penis 1. 'cause it really can relieve. Some people have it.now when did I last measure? Some men will fret about their size: they give it lots of thought. sir. 2." Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps. Later you may ask yourself. no matter how good your intentions. until one's old and frail. and reeks something awful. taking care of business. During summer. and then I wish it wouldn't. I'm sure you will agree: To start a whole new life. I'll help you. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant. it's hard to stop. 5.to pee! But what seems most amazing about my one-eyed flute. I often check if it has grown . And better yet. Bob says. wondering what they'll see. Bob then shakes it. "No problem. he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. that is a new piece of information. Without this super organ." Bob says. but I ain't touching it. Whatever it is doing. scars. it will do the same damn dumb things it did before. "Ah. wearing little. It's more fun when it's up. Instead. sure." A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. 3. puts it back in and zips it up. rashes. it uses yours. Don't take it out in public though. "Why on earth did I do that?" It has no conscience and no memory." Then the man says. And never. The guy tells Bob. Once you've started playing with it. "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies. I really appreciate it.at least some folks believe. The guy has no arms. 6. Left to its own devices. OK. 4. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him. but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?" "And did you know we milk the
. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do. man. do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?" "Sure. it stays with one. 9. there's no way they can pee! Masturbating is a sin . Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?" "Umm. or you'll be thrown in jail. but what the hell's wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says. 7. It can be up or down. If you're not careful what you do with it. But handle it with love and care. Brown. As Bob's standing there. it will warp your behavior. Those who have it would be devastated if it were cut off. but must admit defeat.
wouldn't you go mad. 180 degrees shy of heaven 14. The woman decided to buy the frog. the woman did not particularly enjoy giving head." said the clerk. your ass is outta here. You can catch and release a fish. The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. If you're making love and you catch something.
Top 15 Euphemisms for Impotence 15. In fishing you lie about the one that got away. She got up to go see what was going on. if I can teach this frog to cook. It gives blow jobs. Of course. her husband was a bit skeptical. "What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?" asked the woman.53
cows twice a day?" "Mr. she woke up to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun. the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day. When the bus starts on its way the driver says to the hippie. When she got to the kitchen she saw her husband and the frog. "Well. that's bad. while she was in the middle of praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. The husband looks up at her and says.. that's good. too?"
A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet. The hippie says that he'd love to know. looking through cookbooks. Brown."
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. so. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were very expensive. "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50. She went to the counter and questioned the clerk. she said. "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you".00. but. After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts "Ha. "Well." Well. but said for sure he'd try it out that night. so on Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. A few parts shy of an erector set
. The hippie decides this is a great idea. "It's a special frog. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the bus at the next stop. "I wanted to buy my husband a pet. but only screwing you once a year. she thought his was a heck of a deal. If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are god and you could command her to have sex with you. She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift. Would you like to see it?" "$50. first you must have sex with me. Ha Ha I'm the hippie!!" Then the nun jumps up and shouts "Ha Ha Ha I'm the bus driver!!"
Why Fishing is Better Than Sex When you go fishing and you catch something. You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish. The clerk said. In loving you lie about the one you caught. and she'd never have to do that again. what's the point?" "Lady. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. She'd get her husband a gift he'd surely enjoy. Performing with Flaccido Domingo 13. Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing. "I AM GOD" I have heard your prayers and I will answer them BUT . that's interesting. About two in the morning.00?? For a Frog??" asked the woman.. Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither and don't want to know how many other fish you caught. At midnight sure enough the nun showed up. you don't have to lie and promise to still be friends after you let it go. If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie minimum. The woman went to bed that night relieved knowing she'd never have to give another blow job. You can catch a fish on a 20-cent night crawler. sitting at the kitchen table like best buddies. but all of yours are so expensive". so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God.
"That was very nice but. You are going to have triplets — but each baby has a bullet in it. are. the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies. She is rushed to the hospital.. back?
A pregnant woman is in the bank when the bank is robbed. When she arrives and sits down on Santa's lap Santa asks "What do you want for Christmas little girl?". "No. the young nurse replies. and she is shot 3 times in the abdomen. holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look. raises his gown." The mother explains everything. the second child. Several weeks later. the doctor tells her. "No. "You passed a bullet. Population: You 2. Serving boneless pork 1. Less-than-Magic Johnson 4. right?" The mother goes on to tell the daughter the story. "Mom.. "Nurse.. I'm only here to wash your hands and feet". "But Barbie comes with Ken" Santa says. and she assures her daughter that everything is okay. Twelve years pass. "I want a Barbie and a GI Joe" says the little girl. Sch-wing and a miss 11. A gunfight breaks out. the strangest thing just happened. comes to his mother and says. Barbie only 'cums' with GI Joe!"
A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. comes to her mother and says. Unleavened Man-Bread
A little girl goes to see Santa Clause at the local shopping mall. are my testicles black?" Finally. comes to her mother and says. Ascension Deficit Disorder 6. and I passed a bullet.. One day. she pulls back the covers. After giving a full examination. Disappointing Miss Daisy 8. "I don't know.54
12. though. the third child.. and says "There is nothing wrong with them!" Finally. The Null Monty 9.. Mom — I was masturbating and shot the dog!"
. "Mom." The mother interrupts him and says. Luckily. "You passed a bullet. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet. right?" The son says. they have hit no vital organs. a daughter. and she has all but forgotten the incident in the bank. Bouncing the Check of Love 5." The woman has 3 healthy babies. also a daughter. "Mom." he mumbles from behind the mask. the strangest thing just happened. He struggles again to ask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed.. Welcome to Flaccid City.. results. Taking the gold at the Lake Flaccid Olympics 7. a son. "I have good and bad news for you. "Nurse. my." The mother interrupts her and says. she is unharmed. the strangest thing just happened — I was using the toilet. test. All Doled up with nowhere to go 3. Not rising to the level of impeachable offense 10. and eventually your children will pass the bullets naturally. A few weeks later. the first child. Miraculously.
* You met him in prison. They get there late at night and the man says. "What is a penis?" The boy replied. you. you.. * During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway. Then he sees his dad on the couch. "What will it be? Small. they high-five each other. He goes home and eats his lunch. "I don't know. "This is a penis. The husband is furious and replies. what's it to be. give me a hundred feet of that fence back there!"
There is a little boy and a little girl in the woods. * He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger.. The little girl asked the boy. as a matter of fact this is the perfect penis. or large?" The man replies. I don't want to go in the morning. While the man is back there. your dick tastes like shit." At that time he hears his mum calling him for lunch. They rise early in the morning and the husband says well. The wife is tired and replies. She isn't pleased but decides to give him a blow job." "Yes. me and the dog shoot. When the they return.
What happens when you give Viagra to lawyers? They grow taller!
. "What is a penis?" The dad whips his out and says to the boy.. gee. "What size do you want?" "Well. "To hell with the rubbers. I don't know. medium. * He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose. so she tells him to go to the back yard and measure his dick by sticking it into each of the three holes in the fence. and if it was two inches smaller it would be the perfect penis!"
One afternoon a man says to his wife. I will give you 3 options. or you give me a blow job or we have anal sex." * He tells you that he's never told a lie. They pack the truck and head off. "This is a penis.. He goes up to his dad and ask him.. The wife isn't to pleased but realizes it's one or the other. "What size?" The man replies. "Size? I didn't know they came in sizes. * When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is. the dog didn't want to go either. * He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser. He replies: "Yeh."
LAWYER JOKES YOU know you need a Different Lawyer when . we will head off at sunrise.55
A man goes into a drug store and asks the cashier for some rubbers. the lady sneaks around to the other side of the fence and spreads her legs behind each hole as the man tests it. The lady is used to this. As soon as she starts she stops and says. they do." * A prison guard is shaving your head." she says." The boy leaves to go find his friend and brings her to the woods. the cashier asks. He whips out his penis and says to her. The cashier asks. The girl again asks him what a penis is. me and the dogs are going pig shooting." the man answers.
"how did you start the flood?"
Two small boys." replied the second. The outraged lawyer says. it's so large. just the regular kind". it never would be the same. the river overflowed. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there." he asked. but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me."
A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers. a cop came by. One attorney turns to his associate and comments "Boy. "Tommy. and then swerve back onto the road. "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well. "NOOO!" he screamed. and it's inoperable . What's yours?" asked the first boy. He asked the priest. "Gee. he's dead. (at this point some of you are probably wondering how the trucker could distinguish the lawyers from the humans. "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well. "My Daddy's a lawyer. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. satisfying "THUMP".
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. were overheard talking at the zoo one day.
. I am. "No. and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line. and I just like to hear you say it. they have to do a brain transplant. "I'm sorry. "My name is Billy. not yet old enough to be in school. replied Tommy. he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders." The lawyer looked puzzled. "Where are you going. so she asked who it was and why he kept calling. as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. enjoy the load. do you?"
A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor. The reply: "I used to be one of his junior associates. The lawyer turns around. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. I would like to fuck her! The other attorney thinks for a second and said "Out of what"?
One day. a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce. and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce. "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?"
The crusty old managing partner finally passed away. I'm a lawyer. and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues." "Honest?" asked Billy.how come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?" The doctor replies. All you care about is your possessions." replied the priest.56
Two attorneys were walking out of a bar and a beautiful young lady walks by. Finally." "Well. and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "My Daddy's an accountant. Finally. there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car.in fact. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains . the receptionist who fielded the calls began to realize it was always the same voice. but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked. "Yes. but his firm kept receiving calls asking to speak with him. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed. "Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there." was the standard answer. Obviously he saw the trail of slime they left!) One day.there's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce. Tommy replied. so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. The lawyer replied. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. back. "HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. it caught fire. and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?" The doctor replied. Suddenly. because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it. and neck. Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him. "This is a ripoff . "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor. Father?" "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road.
Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed. to her surprise and delight.. The reply: "I used to be one of his junior associates." she purred. it's so large. "First. he still heard a loud "THUD"." On a roll. Father! I'll give you a lift. "I'm sorry Father. "I'm sure you could . The outraged lawyer says. completely beaten.how come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?" The doctor replies. so at the last minute he swerved back away. she was puzzled: "All I know for sure is that it was a partner ."
A new female associate was romantically ambushed in a darkened room at her new firm. "So if I don't give any money to them. the United Way rep mumbled.000.. "This is a rip-off . said simply. When asked by her best friend to identify the new lover.in fact. did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. and it's inoperable . "I could push this red button. he's dead. narrowly missing the lawyer. they have to do a brain transplant." The lawyer interrupts. Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything.there's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce." the lawyer's voice rising in indignation. so she asked who it was and why he kept calling. Climb in the truck. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains . but his firm kept receiving calls asking to speak with him. replied the priest. you give not a penny to charity. Finally. the lawyer cut him off once again. he turned to the priest and said. "or that my brother. "or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer.. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500. "I'm sorry. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied. no.. is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology.he made me do all the work."
. why should I give any to you?"
An attractive woman found herself alone in the elevator with a lawyer. He thought a minute and said. the receptionist who fielded the calls began to realize it was always the same voice. a disabled veteran. "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?"
The crusty old managing partner finally passed away. but was interrupted again. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep.57
"No problem. and I just like to hear you say it. "Um . get down on my knees and give you the best blow job of your life. a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce." "That's okay"." was the standard answer.but what's in it for me?"
A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor. I almost hit that lawyer. "I got him with the door!" Generous lawyer A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him. and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce. "I had no idea.
a lawyer. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. when I was a lawyer. it's a shame to wake him. Fortunately."
. "Do you know what a job it is to clean those suckers?"
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out!" But the bandit didn't speak English. a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina. in deepest Africa. A lawyer's job is secure . and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down. asks the waiter why the attorney brains are so costly."
Children who never come when called will grow up to be doctors. and roasted attorney brains for two hundred bucks."
Any time a lawyer is seen and not heard. Gringo.fried doctor brains for twenty bucks. that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina. An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor. "He said 'Get lost. snuck up behind him. "Judge Garber has just died" said the attorney. The lawyer was outraged. and said. You wouldn't dare shoot me.58
The plumber presented his customer. "So. "and I want to take his place. Children who come before they are called will grow up to be lawyers. He was always so punctual and polite. and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. The terrified bandit blurted out. Having lawyers make laws is like having doctors make diseases. After a lengthy search.who would build a robot to do nothing?
There's a true story about a convicted con man who was recently found to be impersonating a lawyer in New York City. Finally. The lawyer answered. finds a cannibal restaurant. what is it?" grumbled the governor. put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head. The specialty of the day is brains . sautéed architect brains for twenty-five bucks. Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titanic. "That's what I thought. saying "I don't even make that kind of money .
Stanley Livingston.doesn't that seem a bit steep?" The plumber replied. perplexed. Livingston." Replied the governor "Well. with a bill charging rates of $500 an hour. "You're under arrest. "I should have suspected he wasn't a lawyer. insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency. a reward was offered for his capture. in Spanish. The waiter snorts.'"
An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight. its OK with me if its OK with the undertaker. To which the judge remarked.
Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time. "How much do you want it to be?"
Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz. "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine. The lawyer said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said. scuffed her feet and said.
God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. To his surprise." The lawyer pulls the drapes.59
Q: You're stranded in a deserted island with Attila the Hun. "Well. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates." "Why ?" asked the judge. When Satan heard this. you be first. What do you want to have him arrested for ?" "Well.
A housewife. St. You have a revolver with two bullets. "Your honor. your honor. and a lawyer. and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
. To his dismay. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing. but what makes me so special?" St."
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background.
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. "He won your acquittal. How about you. Amie?" Amie shyly stood up. Peter. and into a comfortable chair by his desk." said the teacher. The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea. "My father is a mailman. Then St. dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice. "What about your father. go and bury 20 of them. an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?" The housewife replies: "Four!". "Only a shilling?" said the Justice. "If I wasn't under oath. and greeted him warmly." she said. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Adolf Hitler. and after a long trial. I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients. "I didn't have the money to pay his fee. Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced. the jury acquitted him. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. What do you do? A: Shoot the lawyer twice! When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet. "I don't mind all this attention. Billy's father said. "I'm actually an attorney." That's wonderful. "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse." "Thank you."
It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets. Billy's father answered the door. "Tim. "She's a doctor." he said." sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand." replied Carlson." The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. he laughed and said. I'd return the compliment." replied the witness. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line. Peter replied. Amie. so he went and took the car I stole.
an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill."
A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country.. As they went around the berry patch. Who gets it? The old drunk. while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. "people will read it and exclaim.Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case. everybody is quite impressed. "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"
The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. The sheriff looked at the bears. that we can just throw them away. On one particular occasion. "That's Strange!" At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another. The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack.a male and a female. takes one of them. nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in the Ukraine. pointing to the male. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes.Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty. of course.
A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. "Yes. Overcharging fees to many clients. At this time. he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle thru it. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says. "Why did you switch?" "Well."
A Russian. he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. However. immediately dashed for cover. took careful aim. "Certainly will.. and without batting an eye. and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful. His friend. they had a splendid time in the country ." retorted the stonecutter. we have the best cigars of the world: Havana. the lawyer." replied the stonecutter. Well. Early one morning. pours some into a glass.
Santa Claus. it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. Peter is listing his sins: 1. he throws the pack of Havana's thru the window. One more time. 3. opens the window. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer. The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. along came two huge Bears . He just had to save his friend. "I said he was in the other!" "Exactly. Peter looks in his book and says. to which he retreated for several weeks of the year." Yes. and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. "Sorry. lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba. "Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer.rising early and living in the great outdoors. the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no.. "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell. correct?" The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies. that we can just throw it away.. However. though. I've done some charity in my life also." responded the lawyer. And the list goes on for quite awhile. I see. the lab assistants don't get so attached to them. the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. seeing the two bears." replied the sheriff. the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast.. we have the best vodka of the world.. and got the local backwoods sheriff. "In this state. And we have so much of it. gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities. The Cuban takes a pack of Havana's. the American just stands up. an American and a Lawyer are in a train. the tooth fairy. Well. which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. "Wait. I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer" "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.. that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place. the two bears were still there. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy. sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings. second. the other three are mythological creatures.Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high. drinks it. Sure enough.. and SHOT THE FEMALE. and throws the Lawyer through it. Each summer. wasn't so lucky." St. All the others are quite impressed. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer. but I can't do that. After he had made his selection. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. and says: "In USSR. tore into town as fast has he could. "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied.. eager to get a freebee off a lawyer. agreed." Saying that. for three reasons. but argues. The friend. 2. a Cuban.". nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigar and we have so much of them. leveled his gun. Saying that. He admits all these things.
The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says. A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers. The Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. without a word.50. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning." The lawyer. "Oh. the old ambulance chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. "Well.it could be the next day but that would be unrealistic -. but I put one over on you in there. "You can't take it with you. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store. who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness."
A group of Arab terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Convention.
. I hate to tell you this. Two tigers are stalking through the brush when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front." and they continue.it's too plebeian -. After about another 5 minutes. "Well." and they continue. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. "You know. "Sorry. I couldn't have won the case." she exclaimed. "I said stop it!" The rear tiger says. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. More than a hundred attorneys were taken as hostages. I bluffed you!" The old rancher replied. that darned old fool. up in the attic cleaning. beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed.and the butcher hadn't brought the shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office]. I'll tell you. was determined to prove wrong the saying. The startled tiger turns around and says."
What's the difference between an attorney and a trampoline? You take your boots off to jump on a trampoline. anyway?" The rear tiger replies. Several periods of time later -. the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success. "Hey! Cut it out." "Then you owe me $8.50 [attorneys don't carry cash -. His plan was that when he passed away. young feller. Several weeks after the funeral. already. I just ate an attorney and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"
A stingy old attorney.61
A lawyer's dog. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash. "What is it with you.the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation. writes the butcher a check for $8. "Absolutely. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement." The rear tiger says. The lawyer did his best selling job. I was a little worried about winning that case myself. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today. telling the rancher.
The scene is a dark jungle in Africa. because that durned bull came home this morning. running about unleashed. old man." After much thought and consideration. the deceased attorney's wife. the rear tiger once more licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger. "Sorry. After about another 5 minutes.
"Using your logic. shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches."
A doctor and an attorney in separate vehicles collided on I-95 one foggy night." "Well put. Angela. Being a clever sort. "Well. as he chooses. he started shouting loudly. but he couldn't get near the car."
. "Were they all dead?" The old farmer replied. The old farmer after seeing what happened went over to investigate. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them. Lying in front of the car was a donkey. a long-lost friend from her old hometown. the attorney was eager to get to the injured.62
The terrorist leader announced that. and then asked the old farmer. The doctor took the flask with a shaking hand and belted back a couple of swallows. "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!" The attorneys looked at each other. While sitting in a deck chair. What are you doing these days?" "I'm practicing law. I haven't seen you in years. Angie took her first vacation on a luxury cruise ship. and walked out. She crossed the deck and shook hands with her friend and said: "Hello. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the attorneys. "But don't tell my mother.
After years of hard work.
An attorney defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles." replied the attorney. some of them said they weren't. she recognized a former high school classmate. for your nerves?" "Of course I am. A few days later. As expected a large crowd gathered. "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim. they would release one attorney every hour. He can accompany it or not." The defendant smiled. His arm is not himself. She still thinks I'm a prostitute. a car was involved in an accident. but both were shaken up.
An attorney was on vacation in a small farming town. While walking through the streets. Going by instinct. unless their demands were met."
A bus load of attorneys were driving down a country road when all of a sudden the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment." whispered Angela. "Aren't you going to have one too. As the attorney started to put the cap back on the flask the doctor asked. but you know how them attorneys lie. "after the Highway Patrol gets here. and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb. saw the crashed bus." The crowd made way for him. the local sheriff came out." the judge replied. and the attorney offered the doctor a drink from a pocket flask. With his attorneys assistance he detached his artificial limb. laid it on the bench. The fault was questionable.
a friend or relative. the seat belongs to me. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. The third guy says "I‘m lonely. "I just need to outrun you. forgetting to turn off the microphone." she says. I wish my friends were back here. and he comes home from work and his wife says. "Well. but she passed away." she says. The snail says "What the hell was that all about?" A guy dies and is sent to Hell. I‘ll do absolutely anything you want for $300. "Honey.. He asks his wife what happened. I had a handyman come in and fix them. I was supposed to come with my wife. Satan meets him. "What do I look like. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him. Guy says no again. "Honey. I‘ve got a special game for you." In the second room. "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob. could you fix it?" The husband says." "Uh. and the roof is fixed. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. find a magic lantern containing a genie. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says." On a passenger flight. who grants them each one wish.. Wife says: "Nothing. and a bit about the weather. He opens it and sees the same snail. "This is your lucky night. "Oh. In the first room. ―What did I tell you?‖ said the barber. as long as you can say it in three words. ―That kid never learns!‖ Later. well. and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. the car won't start. He sits down. The wife finds a leak in the roof. "No.." A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. and frantically begins to put them on. people are standing in shit up to their necks. son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?‖ The boy licked his cone and replied. So is the plumbing.‖ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other. ―Because the day I take the dollar. and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. ―They're all at the funeral. the game is over!‖ It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final. That's terrible. in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking. Plumber?" A few days go by.63
What's the definition of a tragedy? A busload of attorneys crashes off a cliff and one seat is empty." said the man. son?‖ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. Finally. The first guys drops his backpack. and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married." "I don't need to outrun the bear. stranded on a desert island.
A newlywed couple moves into their new house. there‘s a knock on the door. we call him a defense attorney." "Oh." The guy replies. "What do I look like. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like." the first guy says. when the customer leaves. digs out a pair of sneakers. She says. he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. and says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested. one of the passengers stops her and says "Don‘t forget the coffee!" A guy meets a hooker in a bar. people are standing with shit up to their noses. The guy says "no." "This is incredible. slowly: "Paint…my…house. What's the difference between an attorney and a herd of buffalo? The attorney charges more. actually. The second guy wishes the same. But couldn't you find someone else. Then. then calls the boy over and asks. "What do I look like. I'm so sorry to hear that.‖ he says. She says. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by. Watch while I prove it to you. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. I think it needs a new battery. let me see the next room." Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. Three years later. "What are you doing? Sneakers won‘t help you outrun that bear. He tells them at what altitude they‘ll be flying. ―Which do you want. Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up." A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. noticing that the seat next to him is empty. Satan opens the door to the
. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future attorney? She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney. Mr. the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. and it's raining pretty hard. "No" says the neighbor. or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. ―This is the dumbest kid in the world. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says. there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says. The second guys says. you know. "The seat is empty. why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket. and advises them to relax and have a good flight. "Betty Crocker?" Three guys. "Hey. Mr. what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. shows him doors to three rooms. we call him an accomplice. the expected arrival time. "Honey. he says to his co-pilot. ―Hey." All the passengers hear it. So is the car.
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested.
" says Sid "So that's what heaven is like?" "Oh no. As he's taking it off the hook.. I get up. that's just not possible. Do you have another wish?" The guys says 'Well. Huge dinner. Sport." "Oh. Take a nap. suck out the poison and spit it on the ground. The gator opens wide. Some things just can't be changed. The gator will close his mouth for one minute. 'Well. "but I definitely don‘t want the fuckin‘ French toast. "Here‘s a deal. Then one day he gets a call. Sid and Irv are business partners." The genie looks concerned. The guy says. who is delivering a baby. "Okay." A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator." I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I'm a bear in Yellowstone Park. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. "I'm not in heaven. He brings it to a talent scout." says Irv.. everyone buys me drinks. hits him." the other says. People are standing with shit up to their knees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. "Peace in the Middle east. here‘s a gal who‘s capable of making a decision she‘ll regret in the future. "I can‘t leave. "O. Take a knife." Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table." he says. After a minute." she says." the guys says to the dog. figures there is no afterlife." the guy says. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside." the guy says. That would be my wish. And the talent scout. She asks the middle child what he wants. The mother asks the oldest boy what he‘d like to eat." the doctor says. ‗What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. in your opinion. "This dog can speak English. have a big lunch. cut a little X where the bite is. and I'll remove my unit unscathed. boots them out of his office onto the street. but I get up for lunch. He is losing his patience." TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains. lots of sex. More sex." After a while. Says to the patrons. I was away on business. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare." "No. I don‘t get it. then says "No. I sleep very late. "Well. Go to sleep." he says. I'm sorry. Everyone back on your heads!" A guy has a talking dog.K. He rubs it and a genie comes out. "So there is an afterlife! What's it like?" Sid asks. "I pick this room. It's Irv. Everyone buys him drinks. (Richard Jeni) Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money.. "I'll give it a try. I see a woman with a tattoo. " He turns and asks the dog: "Who. "He says you‘re gonna die." he says meekly.. "I don‘t know. Gator closes mouth. Have some more sex. having seen enough. And the dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?" Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake." Satan says okay and starts to leave. a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish." he says. Then I have sex. I guess that leaves more fuckin‘ French toast for me. and he removes his genitals unscathed. Then I go back sleep. promises to grant him one wish. (Jerry Seinfeld) A guy tells his psychiatrist: ‗It was terrible. okay. who is in agony. "Turn the lake into beer. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. "Here‘s that $20 I owe you. So Irv dies. a hand goes up in the back of the bar. "You jerk. and I emailed my wife that I‘d be back a day early. and sends him away. Now we've got to piss in the boat. my god.for my whole life I've never receievd oral sex from my wife. and sends him upstairs." he says. If it works." A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing genie." Two Irish guys are fishing. wait. smacks him. maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. come on.. "This one will amaze you. "So what do you think?" The other guy says. He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. He says to the other guy. hang on. and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle." he claims to the unimpressed agent." the talent agent responds. "I‘ll go into town for a doctor. and wake up the next day. He says. The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town‘s only doctor. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. that's my wish. "No. On the way out Satan yells. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." The crowd agrees. "Oh.64
third room. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. I think if you've got a Tshirt with a bloodstain all over it. the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. have a big breakfast." The guy ruins back to his friend. "Maybe she didn‘t see the email. Sid doesn't hear from him for about a year. then open it." The genie pauses for another moment and then says "How would you define peace?"
. "what‘s on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. a pretty violent image there. "All dogs go ‗roof‘. and I‘m thinking. The mother is outraged at his language. was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" goes the dog. It's a woman. coffee break's over. She is livid. "I‘ll have some fuckin‘ French toast." says the psychiatrist. ‗But here‘s what to do. How could she do this to me?" "Well.
sell your business for $3 million.Saul says. I made a bet I can get more than two words out of you. He gets another ace. "Saul . someone stole my money." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. sells his store." the voice commands. The booming voice goes: "unfucking-believable!" A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he‘s allowed to say two words every seven years. One billion. sell your business. It‘s another ace. "Saul. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight." What? The dealer has -. Whitney Brown) I was on the subway. Like the night before that last earthquake hit. So I said yes. take a card. As the eagle flies over the green. "Cold floors. Nineteen. having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers." He ignores it. famed for his silence. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said.. go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand. "Okay. Jesus is up next. sitting on a newspaper. take the $3 million to Las Vegas." "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant ? "Protestant. you're ugly too!" (Rodney Dangerfield) They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming. Hit me. and sat down again. I stood up." the elders say. and I saw a man standing on the edge. onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter. I said. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. go to Las Vegas. It was my grandfather. They bring him in for his two words. reformation of 1915!" I said." he says. Voice says. or why they‘re dead. and said "Mr. a woman approached Calvin Coolidge. It goes on for days. Bounces off a truck. It reaches the green. President. (Jackie Mason) I can‘t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name. "Well. but it‘s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses. there's so much to live for!" "Like what?" "Well." So one day while I was watching my health. Seven more years pass." After weeks of this. turned the page. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul. the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. That means even if you‘re a one in a million kind of guy. An eagle swoops down." I tell him I want a second opinion." I was walking across a bridge one day. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. It‘s in the hole. (David Brenner) I went to the psychiatrist. He slices it. I have twenty! Saul shouts." "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" "Baptist" "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" "Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God. he relents. Saul gets an ace. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" "Christian. there are still a thousand others exactly like you. which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. take another card. He has twenty.. Seven more years pass. about to jump off. (Bob Hope/Gene Perret) A guy shows up late for work." He hesitates but knows he must. "You‘ve done nothing but complain since you got here. After the first seven years. (Jon Stewart)
. He breathes easy. "Saul. down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. we had an enormous feast. and then I killed them and took their land. "Saul. (Emo Philips) China has a population of a billion people. (Ellen Degeneres) I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. reformation of 1879. grabs the frog. and pushed him off. "Reformed Baptist Church of God. (A. or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God.65
My grandfather always said. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?" I have a large seashell collection." He replied: "You lose. and a guy comes over and asks "Are you reading that?" I didn‘t know what to say. or how you met. goes to a casino. are you religious?" He said yes. reformation of 1915?" He said. They nod and send him away. The voice says ‗Saul. He clears his throats and says. take another card. "Die. and he says "You're crazy." He obeys. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house. the frog croaks and drops the ball. "Don't watch your money. "Bad food. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. (Laura Kightlinger) At a White House party. heretic scum". "I quit. our family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona. He says. "That‘s not surprising. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot." They nod and send him away. He‘s dealt an 18." He asks why. "Saul." he says. (Steven Wright) Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough. or Reformed Baptist Church of God. St. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna fuck around?" Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul. watch your health."Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Twenty one. Saint Peter looks at Jesus." Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. exasperated.
She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!" (Myron Cohen) A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. bring him back.. We engage in all manner of pleasure. She pays you with a $100 bill. "Father O‘Malley. "I charge $50 for three questions. the doctor slapped my mother. "You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit" The mortician says "We‘ll take care of it." So I put down my knife and fork. driving through Customs. "No hablo ingles. "Ed. and they won‘t know why.. "Now what‘s your final question?" An old woman is upset at her husband‘s funeral. the sign says you're open 24 hours. I shall be sober. Why are you telling me?" And the guy goes: "I‘m telling everybody!" Jack Benny is walking down the street. The guy asked me "what do you do at a red light?" I said. who is about to go into business." And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach. the guy was locking the front door.. her 19 year old sister. "Your money or your life!" the thug repeats. isn‘t it?" the guy asks. But as she goes out the door you realize she‘s given you two $100 bills." (George Miller) I feel sorry for people who don‘t drink or do drugs. when a stick-up man pulls out a gun and says "Your money or your life!" An extremely long silence follows. I‘m seventy eight years old. (Bill Dwyer) A father is explaining ethics to his son. I don‘t know… look around." Churchill replies.66
A lady at a party goes up to Winston Churchill and tells him. act like they just woke up and go. Klu. Believe it or not. "Yes. and the guy asked. you know the ones I mean. we‘re givin‘ you fair warnin‘." (Ronnie Shakes) I was so ugly when I was born." "My good man. Can you imagine? Two dinners! (Sarah Silverman) My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -. save my only grandson. and I kissed it. "please God. I was in a restaurant and ordered some chicken. dying. (Brian Kiley) I know a guy who called up the Home Shopping Network. (Rodney Dangerfield) A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea." the lawyer says. I said. "Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. we‘re gonna do to you. here‘s where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?" (Henny Youngman) I was coming back from Canada. I'm just looking. then. listen to the radio… (Bill Braudis) I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out. In the morning. (Henny Youngman) I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don‘t want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff. "Madam. and also. switch the heads on two and four!"
." My sister was with two men in one night." So I opened up the box. good as new. and in my entire life I‘ve never felt better. and these three cousins. "Sir. ma‘am" and yells back. Now. on the side. She pleads. "my name is Emil Cohen. I beg of you. Because someday they‘re going to be in a hospital bed. When I got there. and I picked up that chicken. He said.so now it's just a waiting game. "Do you have any firearms with you?" I said: "What do you need?" (Steven Wright) Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. Kluck and Klan. Finally Benny says "I‘m thinking!" After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. and sure enough. (Redd Foxx) I failed my driver‘s test. come up and say "Boy. (Dick Gregory) I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken. "Hey. and you give it to her. "What was that?!" (Jack Handey) A guy asks a lawyer what his fee is. You wrap it up. Anything you do to that chicken. you are drunk. you are ugly. She could hardly walk after that." says the priest. "That‘s awfully steep." he says." He goes: "Not in a row!" (Steven Wright) Last time I was down South." the lawyer replies. They said "Can I help you?" and he said "No. when somebody comes up. "I think you‘ve come to the wrong place. I‘m currently involved with a 28 year old girl.
"How did you get such a huge orange head?" The guy says." As if someone is going to pay $200 a ticket to see a 57-year-old carpet salesman get hit in the face once and cry. I'd like all the money I could ever spend. But we need the eggs. "Well." (Rodney Dangerfield) A Catholic teenager goes to confession." he says.. Is that clear?" His son looks at him and says: "Too late.and I think this is where I went wrong. One snowman turns to the other and says. nearly causing an accident. Once he even told the parole board that if Kennedy was alive today. all the money I could ever spend. my brother's crazy. I‘d fight him. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on. What a tough break. "That means somebody is talking about it. far away. A genie came out and said. the butcher's daughter?" the preist asks." says the boy. but three good leads. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion. (Groucho Marx) A man goes to a psychiatrist and says. "No. Then he said." The guy who shot Robert Kennedy. and he shot him. "Do you smell carrots?" A guy with a huge orange head goes in to see a doctor. and I don‘t ever want to hear you saying it.67
The only thing I know about Africa is that it's far. (Chris Rock) I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. You know.' The genie went Poof!'." (Garry Shandling) If this is coffee. it doesn‘t make it right. "Why don't you turn him in?" The guy says." he says. They‘ve already dialed 9-1. (Larry Miller) I was born a suspect. I'd like a huge orange head. I hate myself now. lock their car doors." He said. I'd like a beautiful woman to love me. a gorgeous girl who immediately loved me. you know? The one guy who would have supported him. hold onto their Mace. and there she was. Sirhan Sirhan. (Steven Wright) There‘s always one of my uncles who watches a boxing match with me and says "Sure. "Doc. (George Burns) A man is driving his five year old to a friend‘s house when another car races in front and cuts them off.'" I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for member." "Was it Mary Elizabeth. son.what is your first wish?' I said. and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can't be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is." Last night. the printer's daughter?" "No. and there it was. If you can fake that. "I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months. for that kind of money. I'll grant you three wishes." The doctor says. and I said I wouldn't tell. and I still won't tell!" 'Was it Mary Francis. goes up for parole every year. About a thirty-five hour flight. the baker's daughter?" "No." Sincerity is everything. "I was angry at that driver." Outside. He's getting old. douchebag. so the other one could drive. It was wrong. (Chris Rock) Two snowmen are standing in a meadow. my parents threw a going away party for me. (Emo Philips) I was making love to this girl and she started crying..' The genie went Poof!'. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. it was so cold. 'Well. "Your father just said a bad word. please bring me some tea. whatever you desire. the boy's friends ask what happened. If I look up into the windows of the apartments I pass I can see old ladies on the phone. (Abraham Lincoln) Mario Andretti has retired from race car driving. Ten million dollars. there are still slaves on their way here. (Steven Wright) When I went to college. and turns to face his son. "Well. And what is your third wish?'. I said. They moved to England. please bring me some coffee. Then the genie said. according to the letter. but that was no excuse for what I said.and are just waiting for me to do something wrong. (Jon Stewart)
. he would speak in his favor and say let him go. That's a good thing. one day I was walking down the beach when I tripped over an old lantern..I said. What is your second wish?' I said. The doctor says. someone I could enjoy this money with. But just because I said it." says the priest. the flashers in New York were only describing themselves... he thinks he's a chicken. you‘ve got it made.. "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said. (Paula Poundstone) I knew these Siamese twins. If this is tea. "I promised not to tell!" he says. The boat ride's so long. "I got six months. (Johnny Carson) I went to my doctor and told him "my penis is burning. I can walk down any street in America and women will clutch their purses tighter. "Douchebag!" the father yells. "No. "We would. "Was it Mary Patricia. pulls over.
He takes it to the synagogue on Rosh Hashonah and makes a wager that the bird can conduct the High Holiday service better than the temple‘s cantor. "Did you see the first show or the second show?" A car hits a Jewish man. and they howl. "You have a choice – death. "You can‘t fire me. I'd use one for parts." The chief says." That‘s now escalated into "You care care of yourself.68
A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. or am I crazy?" (Gilbert Gottfried)
." "How‘s you get that?" the lawyer asks. Crickets." A guy has a parrot that can sing and speak beautifully. "Don‘t put off that mammogram." The comedian looks at her and says. UGGA BUGGA! Three comedians are shooting the breeze at the back of a nightclub after a late gig. and in the middle of dinner he turned to me and said "Is it hot in here." The chief shouts "UGGA BUGGA!" and 30 members of the tribe attack and sodomize the first missionary. I don‘t mind him reading lips. (Dennis Miller) Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. "Now you have a choice. it‘s usually hilarious." "Fifty five?" says Saint Peter. the parrot is silent. (David Letterman) I worked some gigs in the Deep South…Alabama…You talk about Darwin‘s waiting room. On my metaphysics final." (Bill Maher) Two ministers doing missionary work in the South Seas are captured by a tribe and tied to stakes. Finally. I‘m only fifty five. I don‘t even want to do anything that feels good for thirty-six hours. death or ugga bugga. they caught me cheating. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me. I want to take you home and give you the hottest night of sex you‘re ever had. and the others break up. (Steven Wright) Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson. (George Wallace) I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake. "Isn‘t 44 funny?" "Sure. He needs to read lips." The first guy says." (Rita Rudner) A comedian is sitting at the bar of a comedy club late one night when a beautiuful woman comes up to him and says "I saw you perform tonight. "But the way you tell it…" I want to have children. One of my friends told me she was in labor for thirty six hours." That graduated into "Have a nice day.C. now. I used to pay my check. "Well. "No. though. you‘re eighty two. Because suicide is our way of saying to God. (Woody Allen) If I ever have twins. The paramedic rushes over and says. He gets nothing. according to out calculations. Peter: "We added up your time sheets. I quit. I think he‘s great. The chief says to them." The other day I paid my check – the waiter said. There are guys in Alabama who are their own father. Even the people I know don‘t give me anything. (Bobcat Goldthwait) I was thrown out of NYU. (Rita Rudner) New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move." (Henny Youngman) My grandfather is hard of hearing. The chief then asks the second minister. He takes the bird home and is about to kill it when the bird finally speaks: "Schmuck! Think of the odds we‘ll get on Yom Kippur!" At the airport they asked me if anybody I didn‘t know gave me anything." He says "well. They‘ve heard one another‘s material so much. (Brian Kiley) We had a depression fair in the back yard. "Are you comfortable?" The guy says: "I make a good living. Kevorkian is onto something. (W. it‘s the third comic‘s turn. my religion does not allow me to choose ugga bugga. (Richard Lewis) Animals may be our friends." they answer. A major game there was Pin the Blame on the Donkey. When the big moment comes. "I‘m too young to die. "What?" he asks. which I also keep handy. but he uses one of those yellow highlighters. they'd say "Thank you. "Number 37!" cracks the first comic." and shouts "DEATH. I guess ugga bugga. they‘ve reached the point where they don‘t need to say the jokes anymore to amuse each other – they just need to refer to each joke by a number. But they won‘t pick you up at the airport. ""Number 53!" says the second guy. "44!" he quips." the lawyer argues. But first. "There must be some mistake. Fields) I believe Dr. The guy is outraged. so I suppose it must be death. and you‘re the funniest guy I‘ve ever seen. but my friends scare me. or ugga bugga. Answers St. "Very well.
I haven't had a job in forty years!" The other says. In football you receive a penalty." (Woody Allen) Contrary to what most people would say. Both men started to run when one of them stopped to change into tennis shoes. "And such small portions. is so celebrity-conscious. In football the specialist comes in to kick. there's a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson -. baseball is concerned with ups. "That's nothing." Pastor questioned. Football is concerned with downs.A. (Bill Maher) Two old ladies are in a restaurant." (Dick Gregory) L.697 cartons of cigarettes as a business expense. "Don‘t ever let us catch you without a cigarette in your hand. One says: "How long has it been since you had a job?" The other actor says "Thirty two years -. in baseball you make an error. Pastor.and when he shows up. just trampling and eating everything they see. "I'm in the secret service. "Let's play schools. 'I know I can't outrun the bear. I deducted 10.69
Last year. (Jack Handey) Two old actors are sitting on a bench. (Dennis Miller) In football you wear a helmet." The other shakes her head and adds. One complains. The man smelled like a guy eating cheese while getting a permanent inside the septic tank of a slaughterhouse. "One of these days we've got to get out of this business!" I had a cab driver in Paris. The tax man said. I only have to outrun you! "What shall we play today?" said Florence to her best friend Jenny. You can't outrun that bear!' The first man said." Two friends were walking through the woods when they thought they heard something. "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" Paul's friend replied. (George Carlin) Take my wife…please (Henny Youngman)
Jokes for your friends
Paul and his best friend were coming out of church one day. "OK!" said Florence. in baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody. He grabbed his friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The second man said 'You don't have time to change shoes. The Pastor said to him. It‘s a shark riding on an elephant‘s back. and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back. the food here is just terrible. "But I'm going to be absent. "You know.how about you?" The first actor says. in baseball you wear a cap. "I'm already in the Army of the Lord. They turned around and saw a big black bear coming towards them." A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married?
." said Jenny. the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. they tell him there'll be a ten-minute wait.
walks all the way out to Shankar and asks him. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep. hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. The only perfect girl I really ever met." Two adventurers John and Jack were hunting for gold in the desert. "I am" replies the man." said the friend." "Well. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. I guess I just never met the right woman . "How did you know." The man below says "You must be a manager. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me. "everything you have told me is technically correct. I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl. says the man."
. come on now. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met. what are you doing?" Shankar replies." Pritam is driving down the Delhi-Amritsar highway." "I am" replies the balloonist. John woke up his friend. She was just the right everything . Some hours later. but I have no idea what to make of your information.. "you don't know where you are. "Jack. You are in a hot air balloon. "She was looking for the perfect man. "Surely you have met at least on girl that you wanted to marry." "Yes. He reduces height and spots a man down below. "Well. they set up their tent and fell asleep. Pritam gets out of the car. and the fact is I am still lost. or where you are going. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me. I guess she was the one perfect girl..." "How?" asks Pritam. looking at nothing. A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. once. "Well I heard they give the Noble Prize to people who are out standing in their field. puzzled. look up at the sky and tell me what you see.. there was one girl ." he said. when he spots his friend Shankar standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. and you expect me to solve your problem. but I don't know where I am. but now it is somehow my fault." "Well" says the balloonist. and between 58 and 60 degrees W. latitude." "You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.70
Replied the gentleman. After roaming all day long under the hot sun." "Oh. doing nothing. longitude." The man below says: "Yes. why didn't you marry her. "Excuse me. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that Shankar is just standing there. "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize. "but how did you know?" "Well"." asked the friend. can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago.
this one is mine. He replied. I have given up drinking but Timothy has written that he has not. "I can see millions of stars. it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise. To keep the memory of their boozing bouts alive. Jenny had an idea. So I take a sip from each . After retirement. Two friends. Meteorologically. They were inseparable friends and spent their evenings drinking together. He was asked what had happened. they could not decide upon any game.' Money.71
Jack looked up and replied. Jenny and Jinny were thinking what to play during the afternoon. "Let's play schools"." replied John.one on behalf of Timothy. First is that.." "What does that tell you?" asked John. money. However. "But I'm going to be absent.' Suddenly one evening Tom was seen with only one glass on his table. surprised. "It tells two things to me. they kept correspondence through letters and e-mails. Theologically. So I have put away my glass and drink only on behalf of my friend. John spoke. "Because it has still not occurred to you that someone has stolen our tent. 'You see. Tom always filled two glasses with rum and water and sipped from each alternately! When somebody asked him why he did so. the other for myself. "OK!" said Jinny. it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Jack thought for a minute and said. "Why do you say so?" he said. What does it tell you?" After a moment of silence. it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. She turned to Jinny and said excitedly. "Astronomically speaking. they went to different states and settled. Suddenly. Astrologically. it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. money It can buy a House But not a Home It can buy a Bed But not Sleep It can buy a Clock But not Time It can buy you a Book But not Knowledge It can buy you a Position But not Respect It can buy you Medicine
." Jack looked at John." Tom and Timothy were in the same regiment in the army. For a long time.you are an idiot. he explained: 'This glass is Timothy's..
I tell you all this because I am your Friend. "Don't you have at least one other golf ball?". I'll be able to retrieve it. "Before we begin. So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. I won't lose it so I don't need another one... he asked." Exasperated." the friend asked. the friend asks. Joe. And it often causes pain and suffering. "you see. "Okay. "this special golf ball floats. his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face. Let's say our game goes late. In his haste to get the bottle. A more true Friend you will never find:-) Espirit de spirit The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then. this special golf ball has a homing beacon. hoping for his usual Christmas present.no problem. the sun goes down. and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?" "No problem. "That's okay too. when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball. the friend persisted."
. for his kind gift of peaches . So send me all your money and I will suffer for you. waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.. he was not disappointed. I'll be able to get it back -. I'll be able to see it in the dark. Money isn't everything. "This is a very special golf ball. and as your Friend I want totake away your pain and suffering. "what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?" "That's okay. You see. the minister hurriedly agreed and left.. and for the spirit in which they were given!"
Forward these jokes to your friend now! Click here! Golf ball Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off." "Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?" The other guy replied. I would very much like to thank my friend. when the minister went to visit his friend. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas. That morning." he replied. I have an announcement. but his passion was for peach brandy.72
But not Health It can buy you Blood But not Life So you see. he only needed the one." says the other guy. "What happens if you lose that ball?" The other guy replied. The other guy replied that no. One year." Well. "Are you sure?". The minister climbed into the pulpit and said. but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday. this ball is fluorescent.
" Pastor questioned. The Pastor said to him. Read over the assignment again. to make certain you understand it. you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. the friend asks. the course. 10. trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall. Stop off at another floor. savor its special flavor.I mean it! As soon as it's over you are going to start that paper. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher. 19. 18. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order. "Hey. "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back. 2. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror. comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. 17. double-spaced. 3. and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate. comfortable chair in a clean. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home.73
Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he's started writing yet.
. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate. Read over the assignment carefully. drop him. 5. Discuss the finer points of the plot. 4. 8. "I'm in the secret service. where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?" The other guy replies. 15. and bound in one of those irritating see-through plastic folders. 7. roll the words across your tongue. Ask who everyone is. comfortable chair in a clean. Sit in a straight. and the world at large. Sit in a straight. you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV. 9. 21. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that's it-. You know. is truly worthwhile. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror. "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" My friend replied. 12." Do your homework . typed. 14. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26. 20. Pastor. Listen to the other side. anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. "I found it. 11. 16. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either. When you get back to your room. 6. the university. well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils."
Lord's Army A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day. Preston of the Yukon. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future. well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. "I'm already in the Army of the Lord. sit in a straight.step by step 1. 13. on the way back and visit with your friend from class.
well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. comfortable chair in a clean. Read over the assignment one more time. 25.74
22. just for the heck of it. 26. Leap up and write the paper. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write the paper. 23. 24.
. Type the paper. 28. Lie face down on the floor and scream at the top of your lungs. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise. Sit in a straight. 27.