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FRIENDSHIP JOKES ☻Everyone hears what you say... Friends listen to what you say... Best friends listen to what you don't say... ☻Friends are like stars. You can't always see them, But you know they are always there for you... ☻Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart. ☻As long as we have memories, yesterday remains; as long as we have hope, tomorrow awaits. As long as we have Friendship, each day is never a waste. ☻Good frenz are like quilts... it never loses its warmth... ☻GOD is so wise that he never created FRIENDS with price tags, Because..... if He did, I can't afford a precious FRIEND like YOU!!! ☻thE tEst oF fRiEndsHip dOseN't cOmeS wHen u R 2GethEr. It cOmEs wHeN u ParT waYs & u ReaLizE tHat dEsPitE tHe dIsTanCe, thE fRiEndshIp iS sTilL tHeRe... ☻True friends are like Diamonds... they are real and rare. False friends are like leaves... they are scattered everywhere. ☻FRIENDSHIP isn't how U forGet but how U forGive, Not how U liSten but how U UnderStand, Not what U see but how U feel, and not how U Let Go but how U hold oN!!! ☻FriEndSHiP iS A PRiCeLeSs GiFt tHaT cAn'T Be BoUgHt Or SoLd, BuT To Have An UnDeRsTaNdiNg FriEnd iS FaR MoRe WoRtH tHaN GoLd~! ☻If you need advice, text me... If you need a friend, call me... If you need me, come to me... If you need money... ........... THE SUBSCRIBER CANNOT BE REACHED! ☻FRIENDSHIP is like a tree... It is not MEASURED on how TALL it could be, but is on how DEEP the ROOTS HAVE GROWN... ☻In this WORLD, where everything seems UNCERTAIN, only one thing is DEFINITE. You'll always be my FRIEND, beyond WORDS, beyond TIME & beyond DISTANCE! ☻I believe in angels, the kind that heaven sends. I'm surrounded by angels but I call them my best friends. ☻Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was choice, but falling in love with you was completely out of my control. ☻A memory lasts forever, and never does it die. True friends stay together and never say good bye. ☻The ship that will never sink is my friendship with you. ☻I met U as a stranger, I leave U as a friend, as long as the world stands, our friendship nv ends. All friends nv split N even if they do they will meet again. ☻I always thought loving some1 was the greatest feeling, but I realised tat loving a friend is even better, we lose ppl we love but we never lose true friends.

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☻EveRyDay I seE LoTs oF StRangErS PasSiNg By mE, ThiS mAkeS mE reAlisED tHat, LifE woUlD be BORING, WiThoUt A FriEnD LiKE U... ☻We gain and lose things every day. But trust me on one thing: YOU WILL NEVER LOSE ME! I will always be there as a friend! ☻A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart. ☻The times we shared is like shooting star... the time is short but really beautiful moments.... Forever engraved in our hearts.... Friends forever~!!! ☻We've known each other by CHANCE, became friends by CHOICE, still friends by DECISION. And when we say FRIEND FOREVER, that's definitely a lifetime PROMISE! ☻If friends were flowers I would not pick you! I'll let you grow in the garden & cultivate you with love and care so I can keep you as a friend 4ever!! ☻A ring is round and has no end.... and that's how long I'll be your friend. ☻There is a gift that gold cannot buy, a blessing dats rare & true, dats the gift of a wonderful friend like the friend dat i have in u! ☻Wat u see as truth wat u see as lies remember that true friendship never dies although we may change & drift apart, ill always value u deep within my heart! ☻A friend is never a coincidence in your life, they are meant to enter your life to bring you joy and laughter. So, i will treasure the friendship between us. ☻If you are in trouble, If you need a hand, Just call my number, because I'm your friend! ☻Whenever I see your smiling face, I have to smile myself, because I like you, you're my friend!!! ☻Nostalgia is not what it used to be. ☻Those who think that things happen too fast are expected in a bank or a post office! ☻Make your life a house your heart can live in. With a door that is open to receive friends. And a garden full of memories.... of many good things. ☻You cannot buy friendship, you can earn it. If someone comes for help, be a true friend ! ☻A friend is always welcome ... Early in the morning or late at night. Time is of no importance ... When it concerns real friendship!! ☻Friendship is a wonderful word, it might be the most beautiful one on earth. Friendship is something powerful, a gift of great value! ☻No gold or precious stones ... give us happiness and peace, friendship and its warmth ... will bring it to us

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☻There is a big difference between friendship and a rose... Roses last only a while ... but friendship is for ever ☻I asked God 4 a flower, he gave me a garden. Asked 4 a tree, he gave me a forest. Asked 4 a river, he gave me an ocean. Asked 4 a friend, he gave me you ☻Friends are like stars... you don't see them all the time, but you know they're there! ☻Life is not easy and it will never be, but you've got friends and one of them is me ... ☻I must have been born under a lucky star , to find a friend as nice as you are. I will follow the rainbow to the end , if you promise to remain my friend !!! ☻When friendship is deeply rooted, it is a plant that cannot even be uprooted by a storm.... ☻My "aim" in life is: die young when I am very old. ☻When you are lazy, you cannot help it. When you are tired, that is your own fault. ☻A friend is someone who knows when you need her... ☻A ring is round and has no end, so is my love for you my friend. ☻If my head looks like yours, I'd shave my rear end and walked on my hands. ☻Mirrors should be able to think before reflecting the images. ☻A friend is someone who knows the song of your heart and who can sing it for you when you have forgotten it ☻Friend: someone who tells you things while you are alive, things that others tell after you die ☻You can eat and drink together, talk and laugh together, enjoy life together, but you are only real friends when you also cried together. ☻Wherever you go, whatever you do, may god's angels watch over you. ☻Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver the other gold. ☻A little clown is living in my heart. Small and very special. It can dance and jump, laugh and sing. Are you in pain and you need to cry, come and borrow it! ☻I would not call myself important, but I am convinced that when I was not born, everyone would like to know why. ☻The only good thing about your own mistakes, is that is might make other people happy. ☻Not the lack of love, but the lack of friendship makes marriages unhappy. ☻A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart. ☻The times we shared is like shooting star... the time is short but really beautiful moments.... Forever engraved in our hearts.... Friends forever~!!! ☻KeEping a FRIEND is As Difficult AS losing one. U sacrifice A lot To keep them. I may not have sacrificed enuf 4 u... but in

When i'm alone. ☻I was a beautiful baby. ☻Happiness is a disaster. you might start loving life. ☻Flowers need sunshine. You get lazy. But feel best when somebody never forgets u. ill always value u deep within my heart! ☻A friend is never a coincidence in your life. all angels in heaven know I need u. dats the gift of a wonderful friend like the friend dat i have in u! ☻Wat u see as truth wat u see as lies remember that true friendship never dies although we may change & drift apart. ☻A new meeting next month ? Sorry. became friends by CHOICE. ☻There is a gift that gold cannot buy. that's definitely a lifetime PROMISE! ☻If friends were flowers I would not pick you! I'll let you grow in the garden & cultivate you with love and care so I can keep you as a friend 4ever!! ☻When i'm walking in front of u. everyone would like to know why. that is not possible. years may fly. But they switched my in the hospital.4 my HEART I swear I'm keeping U. ☻He was very lonely. The only type he knew was his blood type. when i'm behind u. ☻A friend is sweet when its new…. Feel better when somebody Loves u.. a blessing dats rare & true. but the lack of friendship makes marriages unhappy. I would not call myself important. me or your life? I will say: my life… You will walk away from me without knowing that U R MY LIFE!!! ☻Feel good when somebody Miss u. .. ☻The only good thing about your own mistakes. So.. a friend is a place when you have nowhere to go.I'm thinking of u. i will treasure the friendship between us. When i'm beside u i'm there for u. still friends by DECISION. ☻A ring is round and has no end. violets need dew. but I am convinced that when I was not born. a friend is honest. and that's how long I'll be your friend. ☻We've known each other by CHANCE. ☻One day u will ask me: What is more important to you. ☻A friend gives hope when life is low. tears may dry. ☻I visited the tax office. they are meant to enter your life to bring you joy and laughter. I have to go to a funeral. I wanted to know the people I work for. And when we say FRIEND FOREVER. A friend is precious a friend is u.. When you do not pay attention.I'm protecting u. ☻Not the lack of love. but my friendship with u will never die. is that is might make other people happy. I'm watching over u. a friend is true.but it is sweeter when its TRUE! But u know what? Its sweetest when its you.

Before she leaves. u got sex-appeal. and since u r my ―FRIEND‖ u r the ―BEST‖!!!!!!!!! ☻A special friend is rare indeed. I will give u a tree.5 ☻If kisses were water. ☻In my life I learned how… 2 love 2 smile 2 be happy 2 be strong 2 work hard 2 be honest 2 be faithful 2 forgive but I couldn‘t learn how. ☻U got style. I can be conceived in ur heart. but there is always a rough draft before the final copy. FUNNY JOKES ☻Costly Perfume An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when a young. ☻People live People die People Laugh People Cry Some give up Some will try Some say hi Some say bye Others may forget YOU but never will I. if friendship is life I will give u mine. I‘d be ur tears!!!… So. $150 an ounce!" Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator.If u luv a planet. 2 stop rembering u. Wait." . so lucky I m for having you.49 cents a pound. and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying. $200 an ounce!" About three floors later. If hugs were leaves. ☻A ring is round and has no end. beautiful woman gets into the elevator. ☻When God opened the window of the Heaven He asked me: What is your wish for today? ―I said : please take special care of the person reading this!!!!!!!‖ ☻Time might lead me to nowhere and faith might break into pieces but I will always be THANKFUL that once in my life‘s journey we became FRIENDS! ☻It takes half our life to find true friends & half of it keeping them. then bends over and farts and says. wrong number! ☻Of all the gifts. a day 2 love them. big and small. the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. never draw a heart because hearts can be broken. born in ur eyes. ☻Always draw a circle around the ones you love.I am lucky to have spent less than half my life finding you & wish to spend the rest keeping you. perfect friends r very few. I will give u a galaxy. ☻They say it takes a minute 2 fine a special person. u got the intelligence and u sure got the body. ☻The NHS regrets to inform you that your birth was an accident. it beems to be special breed. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly. 5. she looks both beautiful women in the eye. smelling of expensive perfume. I will give u sea. If u are a Star u r the Brightest. ☻If I were to be anything in this world…. We apologize for any inconvenience. an hour 2 appreciate them. if u r a Teddy Bear u r the most huggable. remember me as a friend who is always there for you and never let you down ☻Yes. yes. but circles are never ending. Go to sleep and when you wake up. God made you first. Sorry. and never does it die. your friendship is the greatest of them all. True friends stay together and never say good bye. Please report to your nearest hospital to be put down. live on ur cheeks & die on ur lips!!!!! ☻If u r a chocolate ur the sweetest. "Broccoli . but then an entire life 2 forget them. "Chanel No. "Romance" by Ralph Lauren. that's how long I'll be your friend!!! ☻The morning is just a few moments away. ☻A memory lasts forever..

When your boss is out of the office. Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this! Caller: You are so rude! Who are you? Operator: I'm Saw Lee. he's being co-operative. you're always sick. When you make a mistake. you're lazy. you're overstepping your authority. it's because he's overworked. When your boss does it. When your boss applies for leave. he must be very ill. you must be going for an interview. i'm afraid it's too heavey . A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only Saran Wrap. you're an idiot. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. When your boss skips a few rules. you're being bull-headed. When your boss pleases his boss. lady: don't try to be funny. When doing something without being told. Rightnow. When you're on a day off sick. that's initiative. you can speak to me.'' CHINESE JOKE Caller : Hello. When you don't do it. you're wandering around. he's only human. When you overlooked a rule of etiquette. he's being firm. he's too busy. When your boss does the same thing. When your boss doesn't do it. he's being original. When you please your boss. can I speak to Annie Wan ? Operator : Yes. When you take a stand. Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent. Operator: I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about? Caller: Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother. When your boss is a day off sick. I want to speak to Annie Wan! Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this? Caller: I'm Sum Wan . Now give me your name! lady: is this my train? station master: no madam. ''What do you think is wrong with me?'' The doctor replied. When your boss takes a long time. he's thorough.''I can clearly see you're nuts. you're being rude. Caller: No. Caller: Yes! You should be sorry.6 Difference between you and your boss When you take a long time. Noe Wan was involved in an accident. can i take this train to new delhi? station master: no madam. i mean to ask you. When your boss makes a mistake. he's on business. it belongs to the railway company/. When you're out of the office. The guy askes the doctor. you're apple polishing. you're slow. When you apply for leave.

and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane. ☻I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week. Shakspeare used 2 study in street light. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here" ☻A dyslexic man walks into a bra ☻A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please.get out! We don't want your type in here" ☻A priest. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw. I dont understand what these people use to do during day time? ☻If you can't change your mind. ☻A woman walked into a fancy cocktail bar and asked the barman for a "double entendre" . The plane moves faster and faster down the runway. the furious wife bought a return present . but the men enter the cockpit. and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. with the inscription: "Here LIies My Wife . ☻I only use de-oudourant under one arm. "Is this some kind of joke?" ☻A sandwich walks into a bar. "You know." ☻Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication. searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. My philosophy: No pain. and the engines start. The barman says "Oi .Cold As Ever. the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says." ☻Galileo used 2 study in smal lamp. The barman says. Both are wearing dark glasses. The passengers begin glancing nervously. the door closes." ☻Blind Pilot Passengers on a plane are waiting for the flight to leave. Up in the cockpit. ☻I'm not into working out. . The husband gave his wife a gift . dressed in pilot uniforms." ☻A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. No pain. Graham Bell used 2 study in candle light. The entrance opens.also a tombstone. ☻Did you hear about the idiot who walked around the world? He drowned. and one for the road. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin." Later. so I know what I would have smelled of. a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off.a tombstone.so he gave her one! ☻Four fonts walk into a bar. the plane lifts smoothly into the air. and two men walk up the aisle. But at that moment. One is using a seeing-eye dog.7 A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary. one of these days. are you sure you still have one? ☻Did you ever walk into a room and and forget why you walked in? that's how dogs spend their lives. None is forthcoming. screams of panic fill the cabin. and we're all gonna die. that it will plow into the water. Joe. on which the inscription read: "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last. phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs. they're going to scream too late.

Does that mean my job is a crime? ☻This dog. ☻ Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open. God made women and then no one rested ☻The longest sentence known to man: "I do.... good dog. way dog.." ☻CNN News. ☻Don't spend £2 to dry-clean a shirt. ☻ My Reality Check bounced. for dog. proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.. a dog. Tomorrow isn't looking good either. Next morn buy it back for 50p. Now read without the word dog. idiot dog.. another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message ☻God made man and then rested. I'd put U and I together.eat an ice cream! ☻ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction. keep dog.. ☻Do you ever notice that when you're driving. ☻ I wonder if you choke a smurf. an dog. 20 dog. but when they lit a fire in the craft. ☻I can please only one person per day. seconds dog! .yep. ☻ What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool. but your brain would explode. ☻ Lightyears ahead! Just a phonecall away! ☻Very funny Scotty. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this ☻Crime doesn't pay..wanna feel you in my mouth. what say we tie up for the night? ☻If I could rearrange the alphabet... you've got the harbor . ☻News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo. it doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead.. anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac? ☻ I've got the ship.8 ☻Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. wanna move my tongue all over you. ☻ It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.. Bush orders 15. to dog... ☻I want to suck you. is dog. Today is not your day. .. for they are subtle and will whiz on your computer. busy dog. it sank. lick you. ☻Why were males created before females? Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy. tat's how u. what color does it turn? ☻ Just because you're paranoid.000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. ☻ Why'd the couple stop after 3 children? Cos they heard every fourth child born is chinese. ☻ I'd explain it to you.. Now beam up my clothes.. They'll clean it. ☻ Do not meddle in the affairs of cats. 1 was caught watching tv... put it on a hanger. ☻ You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

..? . would you gain weight? ☻Did you hear about the new Chinese Cookbook being sold only at pet stores? "101 Ways to Wok Your Dog" ☻Aim for the stars. Both put too much value on kissing..E. ☻What is the thinnest book in the world? What Men Know About Women.Trustworthy.. ☻Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back ☻As a computer.T. ☻A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. what? ☻WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind! ☻What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet? The 1977 World Hide and Seek Champion.she's got a hand grenade in her mouth. aim for their bodyguards. One says to the other. ☻What do you call a handcuffed man? . . ☻Marriage is a three ring circus: an engagement ring. 1 ☻What's the difference between a man and E. ☻Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.. ☻If you jogged backward . and suffering ☻How Dogs and Women are alike. But first.9 ☻Do chickens think rubber humans are funny? ☻There cannot be a crisis today. "Do you know how to drive this thing?" ☻What is the difference between a woman and a magnet? Magnets have a positive side! ☻The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action. a wedding ring. my schedule is already full. ☻What's the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing plant ☻Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? ☻A: Run like hell... phoned home. Neither believe that silence is golden. ☻Why don't men often show their true feelings? ...Because they don't have any. I find your faith in technology amusing ☻Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. Neither can balance a checkbook. ☻Two goldfish are in a tank. ☻Q: What does a blonde owl say? A: What.T.

☻ Why do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf. ☻Whats the definitoin of suspicion? A nun doing pressups in a cucumber field. But I don't think I could eat a whole one. ☻Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh! ☻What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? You don't. ☻I like Kids. ☻Q: Why was the leper caught speeding? A: He couldn't take his foot of the accelerator. ☻I'm late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn't come back for a day and a half.10 ☻Why was Phillip's girlfriend annoyed? Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV. ☻Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll? A: We don't know. ☻ A chicken sandwidch walked into the bar. To slam the car boot shut. ordered some food and beer. . you've told her twice already! ☻What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie? One screwd the miners. ☻How do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot of his head. Never happens. A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries. ☻For sale : Twin beds. ☻What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle. ☻Whits pink. we don't serve food here". ☻How many men do you need for a mafia funeral? Only one. I'm home! ☻What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A bitch who knows everything. ☻Jesus saves. ☻Why doesn't Jesus eat M and M's? Cos they fall through his hands. wrinkled and hangs oot yer trousers??? Yer Gran! ☻What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Honey. The bartender says: "Sorry. he shoots. the other screwed Majors ☻Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? A: Her IQ goes up. ☻Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with a whore? A: An f****ing know it all. one hardly used. HE SCORES!! ☻Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.

Bush orders 15... an dog. And you wish you could just pluck them from your dreams.. wanna move my tongue all over you.. she loves me.eat an ice cream! ☻ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction..... a dog. God made women and then no one rested ☻The longest sentence known to man: "I do. One mistake. we are so perfect. ☻Hi.. because fish fuck in it! ☻Hi! Please stand by while this program enlarges your penis. to dog. lick you..wanna feel you in my mouth... ☻News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this ☻Crime doesn't pay.. ☻Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. busy dog..... seconds dog! ...ERROR: Your penis was not found! Sorry.. then can we just practice? ☻I took an IQ test and the results were negative.11 ☻Never let a man's mind wander. is dog... it's too little to be out on it's own!!!! ☻It is good for girl to meet boy in park... Now read without the word dog. You always spill it when you change gears.. anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac? ☻Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? A:About 45 pounds!! ☻Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO? A: There have been sightings of UFOs..... put you flower in your pipi… ☻Don`t drink water... good dog.. and YOU WILL HAVE TO SUPPORT IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE… ☻Their are moments in life when you really miss someone. ☻Never let a man's mind wander... 1 was caught watching tv. ☻I want to suck you... idiot dog.Does that mean my job is a crime? ☻This dog. keep dog.. Next morn buy it back for 50p.. but better for boy to park meat in girl.... do you want to have my children? No....... . for dog.Okay.. put it on a hanger.?? .. everyone else thinks your an asshole… ☻If you wanna be a hipi. ☻Why were males created before females? Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy... 20 dog........ They'll clean it.." ☻CNN News.. tat's how u.. ☻I think drinking and driving is terrible..000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. way dog.yep. and I love myself too... ☻Jesus loves you.... ☻My girl and me. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead.. it's too little to be out on it's own!!!! ☻Sex is like programing... ☻Do you ever notice that when you're driving. another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message ☻God made man and then rested.

take a pic of urself n send me it. ☻I've used up all my sick days. there's nobody home.But u my friend can kiss my ass! ☻i tried to call you from a payphone last night. A flower can kiss a butterfly. it cost me an arm and a leg! ☻Hey can u do me a favour. the less you pay.Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing. Nobody was home ☻At dis moment in time 10 million people r having sex.12 ☻There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend.. i'm playin cards n i'm missin the joker!! ☻Hey friend remember dat without stupidity there can be no wisdom & without ugliness there can be no beauty… so the world needs YOU after all! ☻Jesus says to John come forth ill give you eternal life." I went over. Employee: Who's there? Boss: Not you anymore. It's also imprtant that these 3 men should never meet! ☻A man can kiss his wife goodbye. ☻Your provider adjusted his rates. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant. Knock. sorry. ☻What's the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle? If Rotty starts humping your leg. otherwise even the dog would not play with you ☻You will have to cut back on your sex live.a man who is great in the sack." ☻Boss: (to employee) .. wrong number ☻You‘d better not be a dayfly and not having your day.. He slides up to the bar and says: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw. What part will you leave out.. you with your nice hair.Wine can kiss a frosted glass. If rain makes all things beautiful why doesn‘t it rain on you? . talking about it or thinking about it? ☻You with your beautiful eyes. o. so I'm calling in dead. You can telephone for free from now on! ☻It's important to find a man who has money. ☻You should know what it takes to look this cheap! ☻You used to be so ugly that your mother had to tie a steak around your neck.The grass & flowers 2.5 million people r drinking coffee. ☻What did the elephant say to the naked man? How do you breathe through that thing? ☻What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive? Popeye beat the crap outta him.100 million people r sleeping & 1 stupid fool is reading my text!pass on ☻The rain makes all things beautiful. i put my doner card in by mistake. a man who adores you. John came fifth he won a toaster ☻A girl phoned me the other day and said. Knock. you with your fantastic body ."Come on over. The rate is determined by the length of your genitalia. the shorter they are. ☻A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. let it finish.

☻Conserve toilet paper. a fox in the closet.. I thin I have forgotten this before. ☻Hard work has a future payoff.. While receiving this message a virus will be activated.. keep cat. And after sex? boy.. Laziness pays off NOW! ☻First the engagement ring. use both sides. "I do not understand.. a cat..one more time. 19% is watching television and one yokel is now holding his mobile in his hand ☻A woman likes to have four animals in the house: a jaguar in front of the doorway. Your mobile will be disabled. ☻Bad sex is better then a good day in school.U cry i cry. and a numbskulll to pay for this all. good cat. and do it fast. to cat. ☻Always remember you're unique. 60% is having sex. is cat. for cat. then the wedding ring.... have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise! ☻Kiss my ass.. ☻Are these your eyes.hey don't force it ugly!!! ☻Those beautiful eyes.13 ☻i want u 2 know dat our friendship means alot 2 me. way cat. a sexy mouth... that incredible body. seconds cat! Now read it all without the word cat! ☻This is the telephone terrorist team. .U jump out of da window. what vagina looks like? Before sex: a pink rose with soft lovely pelats and perfum aroma." . This virus should have infected your mobile by now. just like everyone else. i lauf again ☻20% of the population is now drinking coffee. I look down & den. idiot cat. then the suffering.again.. ☻This cat. I don't date outside my species..maybe you are just not sexy?." ☻This sms can only be read by someone SEXY:.Taxed to Death. 20 cat. such a brain. ☻Dad.try again. It is proven statistically that at that age only few people die. a cat. . ☻This is your boss: "You are allowed to read the newspaper during the working hours and do certainly not miss the job adds. .. unless you are ugly. ☻I get enough exercise just pushing my luck! ☻Sorry..suck my dick and do it quick. .U lauf i lauf. but that is enough about me. Born Free. tell me how you are? ☻We cannot grant you a life insurance policy because you are already 102 years old. I found them between my brests! ☻At this moment i have a déjà vu and a loss of memory at the same time. busy cat. a bull in bed.. nice smile .

.. is not allowed! ☻When I was a dog...L ... the eggs. My apologies on behalf of the whole world... nature. sorry I will leave... this is GOD.. ☻Excessive use of alcohol can lead to a pregnancy.Sorry... no brain found !!! ☻What he want.O ... want the smell is unbearable!!! ☻Hello I am a virus and I am entering your brain right now... God created you too.. What I want.N .1....... God also created woman and thought : ‗I hope she will make herself up‘! ☻HALLO. I just wanted to leave your pocket. The worst kind are those who think that they are doing things.. .. I can't find a brain. I am not inflatable..... You got SEX-APPEAL.. even God makes mistakes! ☻God created the universe...I kill people for money..00 item that she does not need. There is no particular problem. ☻How would you like your egg for breakfast. You got the BRAINS.wrong number ☻You have the ones that think and you have the ones that do things.. man and saw that it was good and beautiful..T ☻I am not your type ...1...... ☻E man pays $.Please wait..14 ☻We will now upgrade your brain.SORRY...WAIT!!!!!. the earth. Your parents paid the medical expenses for your birth with their accident insurance.. I make few bad creations but you are the worst monster I ever realised.. but yes.. hard-boiled or impregnated? ☻I am a killer. Do you promise to stay here ?" ☻God created the earth... this is your mobile...2.I'll kill you for nothing! ☻I am not stupid. I do not want .. and you sure as hell got the BODY. and you were a flower. a woman pays $.2..00 for $. ☻For you I would go as far as the end of the world..00 for a $.00 item that he needs.. What we want..Searching. ☻Hello. he does not want ...But because you are my friend. God created the woods..Searching. I walked over you and gave you a shower!! ☻You are an unwanted child... ☻You are never too blond to learn !!! ☻You got STYLE.Still searching. I am blond!!! B ..

15 ☻I know why I am single.I SAID IN CASE OF FIRE YOU FUCKING IDIOT!! ☻It is charming.. incredibly handsome..... MOI!! ☻Love me or leave me. dial my number! ☻My feelings for you are like the sea....... extremely good. 4 for a trio... you would be in pain all day long. but do you really need to marinate in it? ☻One out of four people is a chinese. SARDAR JOKES ☻Top 10 sardar inventions☻ 1) The water-proof towel 2) Solar powered torch 3) Submarine revolving door 4) A book on how to read 5) Inflatable dart board 6) A dictionary index 7) Ejector seat in a helicopter 8) Powdered water 9) Pedal-powered wheel chair 10) Water-proof tea bag .... your mother and your brother are not Chinese.. " Wild and romantic ? " "No. look he is working! ☻In case of fire read this message. Hey.an animal in bed and it knows one French word . perfect taste. If your father.. really perfect and when the glass is empty i just take the next one! ☻I once sniffed Coke.... ☻If you really ressemble the picture on your ID. but the icecubes blocked my nostrils.... ☻I like to compare you with a nice cold glass of beer.... horny.. ☻If being ugly would hurt.. beautiful colour....... 2 for anal.. smoke all day and people say .. 3 for normal.. my parents-in-law were not able to have kids... In twenty years you can prove that you have not changed a bit..... 5 for SM and for everything ." ☻My mother in law walks five miles every day. ☻Nice perfume.. you are not fit enough to travel.. ☻Ik would like to be a volcano. they make me sick. it must be you..where is everybody going ☻Mobile sex: push 1 for oral. well shaped. I wonder where she is at this moment... keep them... ☻If you have picture where you look old..

superman. pata hai ki cinema hai lekin voh to janwar hai.hanuman). Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can. kya baat hai? Dar kyon lag raha hai cinema hi to hai??' Sardarji replies 'Aadmi hoon aur akkal hai. The christian guy said no it is an english name just like heman and superman (heman. what is history of punjab called? sarson-da-saga. A: "Six." Q: Why did 18 sardarjis go to a movie? A: Because below 18 was not allowed !!! Q: How do you keep a surd busy? A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper. The matter of their arguement was the religion of hanuman ji.They all started an arguement about hanuman ji. please. I could never eat twelve pieces.wo sardar ke siwa koi nahi ho saktaa" ☻what is a sikh scuba diver called? jal-andhar singh. Then the muslim guy quickly responded at this and said hanuman is a muslim name jaise rehman suleman waise hi hanuman.16 ☻Once there were four guys . Q: A surd ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. Then the foreman asked the sardar why he kept painting less each day. First of all Hindu came forward and said Ram ji was hindu ." ☻A sardarji goes to the see Jurassic Park and when the Dinosaurs start approaching he is swetting in his seat when his friend asks him 'kyon sardarji. hindu. what would punjabi international airlines be called? kitthe pacific. hanuman ji was his follower so hanuman ji was also hindu. what would national airlines be named? itthe pacific. he replied "I just can't do any better. At this the sardar ji got angry and said "Jo insaan kisi doosre ki bewee (wife) ke liye apni poonch mein aag lagwa sakta hai.sikh and christian. usko kya pata ☻Q: What do you call a surd in an institution of higher learning? A: A visitor.muslim. what do you call a sardar who drinks only beer? just-beer singh. the next day three miles. Q: How do you measure a surd's intelligence? A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in his ear! . what do you call a sardar who has only one drink? just-one singh ☻Paint the highway☻ A sardar was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of a highway. the following day less than a mile. On his first day he painted six miles.

Q: What does a surd say when you ask his if his blinker is on? A: It's on. Q: What is the surd doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears? A: Trying to hold on to a thought. Q: How do you make a surd laugh on Saturday? A: Tell him a joke on Wednesday. Q: What did the surd do when he noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency? A: He turned it over and used the other side.he's got a hand grenade in his mouth. Q: Why did god give surds 2% more brains than horses? A: Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during parades. It's off. Q: Why do surds work seven days a week? A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday. They're born that way. Q: How do you confuse a surd? A: You don't. Q: What do you do when a surd throws a hand grenade at you? A: Pull the pin and throw it back. Q: What's the difference between a surd and a computer? A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.) Q: Why can't surds make ice cubes? A: They always forget the recipe. It's off. how can you steal his window seat? A: Tell him the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row. Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN A SURD THROWS A PIN AT YOU? A: Run like Hell. Q: A surd going to London on a plane. Q: How do you keep a surd in suspense? A: (I'll tell you tomorrow. . It's on.. Q: Why did the surd stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? A: Because it said 'concentrate'. Q: Why do men like surd jokes? A: Because they can understand them.. Q: What do you call a surd with half a brain? A: Gifted! Q: What do you call a surd in a tree with a brief case? A: Branch Manager. Q: SOMEONE ASKED IF A SURD BELEIVED IN SMOKING. Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A: A surd parade. Q: How did the surd try to kill the bird? A: He threw it off a cliff.17 Q: Why do surds wear their hair up? A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads Q: HOW DO YOU KEEP A SURD BUSY ALL DAY? A: Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.. Q: What do you call 10 surds standing ear to ear? A: A wind tunnel. It's off. It's on.

All this long the passengers are shocked and upon the next stop complain to the Station Master. abe saale le jaana tha uske upar say". I put a mailbox in my car.lock kar doo ? Sardarjee replies Ha ji lock kar do. I haven't gotten any letters yet.. A: I don't have to think." Q: What Surdarji will do after taking Xerox ? A: He will compare it with the original for spelling mistakes." Psychiatrist. I'm surd !! Q:) why does a sardar smile during lightning? A:) He thinks his photograph is being taken! Q:) Why did a sardarji took a binocular to a funeral? A:) Because it was a close friend of sardarji. "I figure its because when I'm driving around. I've seen it done. "Uh . please hand over the cholestrol which the company offered free with purchase of this pack". "And why do you think that is?" Sardar. "Don't you have a phone in your car?" Sardar. . "Saab main theekh hee chala rahatha jab main ne dekha ke ek aadmi tracks par khada hai".) A: He takes a Xerox of the white paper !!! Q: THINK about it. Sardar... and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."Aap ke pitaji ka naam kya hai ?" After thinking for quite some time the Sardarji says " Are atleast chaar options to do" ☻A Sardar is speaking to her psychiatrist. On asking him what else he wanted. ☻Kaun Banega Crorepati☻ Once a sardarji is selected to play the Kaun Banega Crorepati game with Mr Bacchan. But the SM retorts "To toone ek aadmi ke liye itnee logon ki jaane mushkil main daali. Mr Bacchan asks the Sardar "Aap ek hazaar rupye jeetne ke liye taiyaar hain" Sardarji replies " Haanji bilkul taiyaar hain" Mr Bacchan says " Aapka pehla sawal " Aapka naam kya hai ?" Sardarji replies "Balwinder Singh".." Psychiatrist. so I did the next best thing. "Saab main bhi yehi socha lekin jab train nazdeek aayi to voh saala bhagnay laga". Mr Bacchan " Mubarak ho Aap ek hazaar rupye jeet gaye". Mr Bacchan says "Ab aapka doosra sawaal" Mr Bacchan asks the second question . An angry SM confronts the Sardar who says." ☻This Sardarji is driving a passenger train when all of a sudden he gets the train off the tracks. "I'm on the road a lot.18 A: He said "Yes. ☻One day a sardarjee entered my provision store and asked for a packet of butter. "Actually. Mr Bacchan asks . says the Sardarji. Q: What surdarji will do if he wants a white paper ? (he already has one and he wants one more. drives it into the nearby field and back on to the rails....sure ? Sardarjee . He paid for the butter and was handed over the butter He waited for sometime. He was handed over with the packet which had the caption cholestrol free written on it..." Psychiatrist. How's that working?" Sardar. my zip code keeps changing. he replied " don't think I will get fooled by you shopkeepers.Oh jee 100% sure Mr Bacchan asks . "That was a little too expensive.

boss! I've been working here for five years. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection in fact. Pathan came and opened the suitcase & said " Pathan Sher ka bachcha hai" and went off . ☻Once a cruise ship carrying people from all the nations was going on a around the world' tour when it got grounded. Pathan came. Then a Israeli jew stepped forward said "Hellulaja" and dived into the sea. 'Unleaded Fuel Only. the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big. wahe guruji di fateh" "Jai maa Kali. Jai baba nanak di" "Jai jawan jai kissan " and finally yelled at the top of his voice "Bharat mata ki jai" And Kicked the pakistani standing next to him in the sea. After an hour sardar was busy in opening his lunch box." repeated the Sardar attendant. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence. Jai Hanuman" "jai Sri Ram. teri ma jungle gayi thi ya sher tere ghar aaya tha?" and went off. "So?" "Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!" "Yeah. his young Sardar attendant just filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off." repeated the attendant. the couple went to the sardarji and asked "tusi ki karte piyo (what are you doing?"the sardar ji replied my son is just born I am filling his birth certificate "." ☻Once one sardar and one pathan were traveling in one train. they were on their honey moon and they were to visit Mumbai and delhi. "So?" "Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!" "Yeah. The next day the couple saw the sardarji in front of lal kila in Delhi and was filling the same form. opened the box & said "Pathan Sher ka bachcha hai" and went off . sat sri akaal" "wahe guruji da khalsa. Sardar was trying to open his suitcase to take out his night dress. paralyzed with shock. "Friends. We need to give sacrifice and I need three people to sacrifice their life so that rest of us can be saved. "Good grief. The ship became slow and finally came to a grinding halt. "Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered. "Yeah. After some time sardar was trying to open door of toilet but he couldn't . One newly married couple came there. bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. But he could not opened it. the couple went again to the Sardarji and asked "what are you doing here"? Sardarji replies "I am filling my son's birth certificate " the couple says "but you were filling the same form in Mumbai yesterday " The sardarji now irritated replied "Can't you see it is written fill in Capital" ☻The Exam☻ . Jai maa Durga. Again Pathan came and opened it with one kick and said " Pathan Sher ka bachcha hai" This time sardar was to angry he asked pathan "oye muzhe ek gal bata. But he was unable to open it. Captain of the ship called an emergency meeting and told the passengers." All of them moved towards the Deck where a japanese came forward and shouted "Long live japan" and jumped into the sea. Jai siva-sankar. "So?" "Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!" The attendant rolled his eyes. After that no one came forward for few seconds while people stared at each other and suddenly out of nowhere a Sardarji came forward near the railing and chanted. Of course I know what 'UFO' means." said the attendant. ☻One day one sardar was standing outside the gateway of India in Mumbai. " Jo bole-so-nihal. we are in trouble because of God's being angry with us. They had to go to delhi the next day.19 ☻A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road.

he noticed two banana peels and exclaimed" ari sala . he says. the Titanic is going to be drowned. hey take out the nappy to clean the baby. stares at the question paper for five minutes.20 Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination which consists of Y/N type questions. all the other boys were shorter than me. ☻Once many people from around the world were invited at Queen Victoria's residence for lunch. alarmed." ☻ Once a Sardar was going to his office. he noticed a banana peel and exclaimed " sala aaj bhi phisalna hoga". Italian : Only two miles. "I am rechecking my answers and am not able to tally them with what I wrote. "Oye. I have got the experience of swimming even more. But he decides to tell people that it is a boy and not a girl!!!! At the naming ceremony of the child. but I knew the whole thing. " Bantu seeming content with the answer. from here ? Sardarji : Two miles . Is that because I am Sardar ??" . He thought a lot for a simile for custard but couldn't find one. running or praying to God. two of his sardarji friends look at the child for the first time. the sardar tells them that its a boy!!! The two sardarji friends tell the father of the child that the eyes of the new born child are like him. Alas they are shocked to see that it is a baby girl. within one and a half years he gets a baby girl. They ask the father sardarji the reason for this. he childs nose is also like that of the sardar. Dad.. Now the sardar wanted custard. Tibutboon. Then why are these fools making noise. Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. Suddenly the new born baby urinates on one of the sardar friends. He takes his seat in the examination hall. On the way he slipped on a banana peel and was badly hurt.All the other kids could only say half the alphabet..He is very upset as he expected a boy. A person sitting next to sardar said to his partner "Mr.. today we had a Spelling Class . Italian : How far is land. Dad. and then in a fit of inspiration takes his wallet out.. "But yaar". today we had Math class . please pass the spoon". There was a sardar also.All the other kids could only count from 1-10." replies his father. pass the custard"." Dad.. he is seen desperately throwing the coin.. approaches him and asks what is going on. that's because you are intelligent. you said the babys eyes and nose are like me. During the last few minutes. I was atleast twice their height. that's because you are intelligent. crying.. removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet . I could count from 1 to 20. Just then a Italian asks the nearby Sardarji in the ship. Next day . Italian : Just tell me which side. on his way to the office. I finished the exam in half and hour". As told earlier. swearing and sweating. The Italian jumps off the ship into the sea and comes up to the layer to ask something again. aaj to choice hai"!!!!!! ☻Once a sardarji marries a girl. The invigilator. He answers in a COOL way.. today we had Medical Examination. "Are bhai. Bantu poses another question to his father.Y for Heads and N for Tails. Later after two days.. Happy with the answer. Is this because I am Sardar ??" No son. ☻Bantu returns from his first day at school and immediately questions his father. In the end he said to his partner "you bastard. asks his father another question. So something should be like its mother also SAMJHE KYA?" ☻"Help. Is that because I am Sardar?" No son. At the beginning of the lunch it was announced that every thing which is to be asked will be asked in a poetic way."☻ Everybody in the ship is shouting. is land two miles from here ? Sardarji : Downwards .

and takes the 22 twice instead. and two decaf. * misses the 44 bus. 'Usually there are three of us. I dig the hole. Now it was a turn of another of his friends. Eager to do well on the first day on the job. ☻You should be sure the person is Sardar when he: * puts lipstick on the forehead because he wants to makeup his mind." "Oh good!" the sardar sighed in relief. Today Balwant is off. one of his friends claimed that he can make the Sardarji a chainsmoker. hesitated a few seconds. but that doesn't mean Gurpreet and I get the day off! ."Airport left". When he came back a party was thrown in honor of him and he was asked to give a speech. One was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them in again. When the crowd gave up the surd said. he grabbed a large thismos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop." The Sardarji left smoking! ☻Sardar's Planting Trees☻ A passerby watched two sardarjis in a park. because he is ill. * drives to the airport and sees a sign that said. The crowd went wild and the surd was very impressed. ☻A sardarji once went to america.C to hear John F. When the crowd gave up he promptly told that it was his mother. * sells the car for gas money. * takes a ruler to bed to see how long he slept. During his speech Kennedy told the crowd that he had slept with only one other woman than his wife and challenged the crowd to guess who she was. "Then give me two regular. * gets locked in Furniture Shop and sleeps on the floor. * gets stabbed in a shoot-out. His Friend brought a pack of WILLS (cigarette) and told Sardarji that it was an abbreviation for "Women in London Love Sadars" (WILLS) The Sardarji loved the concept and started smoking and soon became a chainsmoker. It was a hundred bucks bet. ☻There was this Sardarji who was a non-smoker." ☻A sardar was recently hired at an office.21 The father replies.' said the digger. two black. 'Tell me. "No son. 'What on earth are you doing?' 'Well.' said the passerby. * sends a fax with a postage stamp on it. "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" the sardar asked. Kennedy's mother. * trips over a cordless phone. He toured the entire united states and before returning he visited Washington D. He remembered kennedy's speech and he told the crowd that he had slept with only one woman other than his wife and challenged the people to guess who the person was. Kennedy's speech. * studies for a blood test and fails. "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me. then finally replied. The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos. that's because you are 31 years old. this friend claimed that he can de-addict Sardarji but for two hundred bucks. * tries to drown a fish in waters. He held up the thismos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take his order. This Friend also brought the Sardarji a pack WILLS (Cigarette) but told the Sardarji what WILLS if reversed (SLLIW) stands for "Sardars Look Like Indian Women. His first task was to go out for coffee. Balwant plants the tree saplings and Gurpreet fills in the hole. * thinks socialism means partying. he turns around and goes home.

January 2nd. He goes to Delhi to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. Blonde Sardarini. "TO start from the middle keeps one curious not only about its conclusion but also about its beginning". the man explained that he would only get a lakh that day and the rest during the next 19 weeks. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. But how did you get only 12 seconds in a year?" The Sardar replied." ☻Q:) Why does sardarji brings binoculorses in his own marriage? A:) To see his far reletavies." Saint Peter lets him in without another word ☻Sardar to Sunita: "I want to marry you" Sunita: "But I am one year elder to you. "Well. And would this couple be as smart as other people? A. etc. Q. "OK. I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow. said the Sardar. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow. A friend of his asked why he did so?" It'z doubly interesting". no. We give >you one lakh today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 weeks. but he always started reading from the middle. The Sardar. so your answer is correct." The Sardar said.. "Look. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it. "For best results. ?You can't eat your own sandwiches in here. March 2nd.22 ☻A Sardar died and went to heaven. February 2nd. 1. "I want my 20 lakhs. So the two sardars swapped their sandwiches. The man replied." complained the pub-owner. since math says 50%+50%=100% ☻A sardar was very fond of sensational and detective novels. Yes. put on two coats" . ☻Two Sardars went into a pub and after ordering two beers took some sandwiches out of their pockets and started to eat them. Saint Peter said. What would you call an Irish lady that marries a Sardarji? A. even though it's not the answer I expected. 2. sir. She showed him the instructions on the tin. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions: 1. screams out. then I will marry you next year... "No. furious with the man. he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall. How many seconds are there in a year? The Sardar thought for a few minutes and answered. ☻Q. 2. There are 12 seconds in a year. It doesn't work that way. Thinking this was a little strange. ☻ A Sardar buys a ticket and wins the lottery. The Sardar says.. then I want my five rupees(of ticket) back! ☻A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a Sardarni painting the walls. " Again. Name two days of the week that begin with "T". I want my money! If you're not going to give me my 20 lakhs right now." Sardar: "No Problem.. "Oh.

get freedom from India then. how would you recognize him?" The second SARDAR smiles. Good work! How were you able to make such an acute observation?" "That's easy. Its 1258 ☻Punjab Develpoment☻ Once all Sardarji's clubed together and decided to develop Punjab and they wanted the Punjab as a Developed State. he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second SARDAR and asks him "This is your suspect." He leaves the room and goes to his office. Each of them started giving suggestions . we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says.. Again he comes after sometime opens sugar box and closes. Interviewer: Have u heard of "MIKE TYSON"?? Sardarji: Yes Sir.." the SARDAR replied. he shows the picture to the third SARDAR and in a very testy voice asks.. "This is your suspect.. "This is your suspect.. Declare war on America. "Wow! I can't believe it." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. We will be definetly defeated by America and we shall be the part of the America and then they will obviously develop our punjab also"... his wife sees this. "The doctor told me to check sugar level regularly." ☻Sardar's Interview☻ Sardar went to an interview. Think hard before giving me a stupid answer. "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response. how would you recognize him? He quickly adds.uh. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. "What are you doing?" Sardarji replies. The sardar behind him in the line said. Ha! Ha! Haaa! U r wrong.. sees it and closes..." The SARDAR looks at the picture intently for a moment and says. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect. "Well. how would you recognize him?" The first SARDAR answers.. Wife asks. finally one great Sardarji gave a suggestion with a huge volume "Lets fight with Indian Government. flips his hair and says.23 ☻A sardar was drawing money from ATM. "Well. "What's the matterwith you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?" Extremely frustrated at this point. The first sardar replies. "That's easy..that's because the picture I showed is his side profile. Opens sugar box... and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Ha! Ha! Haaa! I've seen ur password." bolo ta ra ra raa. "The suspect wears contact lenses. there was at last a thin voice asking "What about if we win ?" ☻A policeman was interviewing 3 SARDARS who were getting trained to become detectives... Wait here for a few minutes while I check this file and I'll get back to you on that. checks the suspect's file in his computer.. he shows the first SARDAR a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. Interviewer: Can u tell me his father's name?? Sardar thought for a while & replied : "MIKE TIE" !! BEST FRIEND JOKES ☻A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your successes. .. Its 4 asterisks(****).. ☻Sardarji enters kitchen. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear. that's an interesting answer.. "Wow" the crowd cheered up..

☻Difference between love & friendshp.. its about who came and never left. easier made than kept.. but trust me you will never loose my friendship. Best Friends are the people worth living for. ☻A best friend is somebody who knows every last thing about you. ☻Two people can't wish to be friends long if they can't manage to forgive each other's minor failings. ☻Love is friendship set on fire. ☻Friendship often ends in love. Never do they question. ☻Life without friendship is like the sky without sun.. but always offer support no matter what the circumstances are. but love in friendship -. who came first or who cares the best. ☻Life is nothing without friendship. ☻Side by side or miles apart. ☻Friendship is like money. it was d sky who was Crying coz it lost its most BEAUTIFUL star ☻If friends were flowers i would not pick you. ☻There is no distance too far between best friends. ☻Friendship is a single soul living in two bodies.neverends. always remember that our friendship is more then just words. by the doubling of our joy and the dividing of our grief. Times of prosperity are full of 'friends'. ☻Friendship improves happiness and abates misery. i'll let u grow & cultivate u with love n care so i can keep u as a friend 4ever ☻Friendship isnt about whom you have known the longest. for friendship gives wings to the heart.you give your whole heart to your love & they BREAK IT but you give your broken heart to a friend & they MAKE IT Thats Friendship ☻All flowers cant debit LOVE but ROSE did it All birds cant symbolize PEACE but DOVE did it . yet still manages to like you anyway ☻If time slips away and you havent heard a word from me. ☻There is no friendship.24 ☻Real friendship is most notable in those times of trouble.. like that of the parent for the child. ☻True friends are those who are there for you unconditionally. I will allways be there. its a feeling of togetherness!! ☻My girlfriend told me. no love. I should be more Affectionate. dear friends are always close to the heart. ☻True friendship comes when silence between two people is comfortable. so I got two Girlfriends ☻We win and loose things everyday. ☻Friends r like mirrors they are our reflection you r **beep** lucky I look good !!! ☻It must have been a very rainy day when U were born but it wasnt rain.

Funny. Live simply.. ABOUT ME Handsome. FRIENDS LIKE HAIR Friends are like a head of hair.. I'll always be thankful that once.. 'Cause everytime she'd wipe her rear I'd see the promised land.. to pick us. you can take the 1st step to get near me and i will take all 99 step to be there for you.we tend 2 run so fast that we dont notice FRIENDS are running with us. ☻A*smile* is a sign of joy a *hug* is a sign of love... ehem GOOD TASTE! BE MY FRIEND If U need a friend and there are a hundred steps between us. but with enough $money$ you can buy them back. CHOOSING me as your FRIEND is a form of. Sweet. Enough about ME! How about you? GOOD TASTE A phone is a form of communication. Intelligent. A picture is a form of remembrance. Spontaneous.. yoü häve one öf the most välüäble gifts and life thanks for being one. . Give more & Always have ME as UR FRIEND FRIENDS Time might lead me to nowhere. Free your mind from worries. Have a nice day ☻Sometimes in life... Nice Friends. Fate might break me apart.25 All friends cant enter in my HEART buT you did it ☻A True Friend Is Not Like The Rain That Pours And Goes Away But Like The Air. along my life's journey I found a friend like U..we only notice THEM when we fall & THEY stop. Not Visible But Always There. Thank U my good friend lastly gd nite n sweet dreams.... Good Looking. RING I wish I were a ring Upon my girlfriend's hand.. It is nice to have a friend like U making my everyday seems so great.. FRIENDSHIP TEST. well.a*laugh* is a sign of happiness & a frend like me is a sign of YOUR DAM GOOD CHOICE ☻A friend is 1 of nicest thngs you can häve & one öf the best things you can be. Charming. a kiss is a form of affection.. RULES TO BE HAPPY 6 rules to be HAPPY: Free your heart from hatred. ä friend is ä living treäsüre & if yoü häve 1. You might lose some. Expect less... NICE FRIENDS A day is going to end again.

Friends listen to what you say. thE fRiEndshIp iS sTilL tHeRe. FRIENDSHIP isn't how U forGet but how U forGive.. U cry... So.26 thE tEst oF fRiEndsHip dOseN't cOmeS wHen u R 2GethEr. hahaha ALWAYS THERE FOR YOU. False friends are like leaves.... dats the gift of a wonderful friend like the friend dat i have in u! WAT U SEE Wat u see as truth wat u see as lies remember that true friendship never dies although we may change & drift apart. U jump out of d window... as long as we have hope.. but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.. and not how U Let Go but how U hold oN!!! A RING A ring is round and has no end..... WONDERFUL FRIEND There is a gift that gold cannot buy.... a blessing dats rare & true. It cOmEs wHeN u ParT waYs & u ReaLizE tHat dEsPitE tHe dIsTanCe. and that's how long I'll be your friend. LEAVING FOOTPRINTS Many people will walk in and out of your life... Not how U liSten but how U UnderStand. Best friends listen to what you don't say. Not what U see but how U feel. I cry. WHAT YOU SAY Everyone hears what you say. tomorrow awaits.. FRIENDSHIP MEANS. FRIENDSHIP IS. they are real and rare. each day is never a waste.... I want u 2 know that our friendship means a lot 2 me.. I laugh again. they are meant to enter your life to bring you joy and laughter. FRIENDS True friends are like Diamonds. . U laugh. But you know they are always there for you. Friends are like stars. As long as we have memories. As long as we have Friendship... I look down n then... they are scattered everywhere. i will treasure the friendship between us. AS LONG AS... yesterday remains. I laugh. ill always value u deep within my heart! FATE 2B FRIENDS A friend is never a coincidence in your life.. You can't always see them.

HOME EARLY 1 day as I came home early from work. I said to the guy. But trust me on one thing: YOU WILL NEVER LOSE ME! I will always be there as a friend! BEST FRIEND A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart. put on a shirt and a button fell off. WiThoUt A FriEnD LiKE U. but I realised tat loving a friend is even better.. I got up this morning. please make all my friends fat. I JuSt ChOsE To WaLk BeHiNd U So I CaN CaTcH U WhEn U Fall. PATH OF FRIENDSHIP The sun is glazing.. upon the sunlight i see the path of our friendship shining brightly knowing that it is so great to have a friend like YOU! NIGHT PRAYER Dear God. Can you also make me sexy? If you can't make me sexy. i get BETTER. They are hard 2 replace. Because.' NEVER LOSE ME! We gain and lose things every day. u get OLDER.. 'Because you came home early. 'Hey buddy. why are you doing that?' He said.. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. if He did. Amen. WITHOUT A FRIEND LIKE U EveRyDay I seE LoTs oF StRangErS PasSiNg By mE. . we lose ppl we love but we never lose true friends. I can't afford a precious FRIEND like YOU!!! OLD FRIENDS Never abandon old friends. Friendships is like wine: it gets BETTER as it grows OLDER. DuN ThInK I LeFt U BeHiNd. FALLING APART Its been a rough day. I'm afraid 2 go 2 the bathroom... BEHIND YOU DuRiNg OuR FrIeNdShIp.. Just like us. thank you for making me healthy. I saw a guy jogging naked. NEVER LOSE TRUE FRIENDS I always thought loving some1 was the greatest feeling. LifE woUlD be BORING. ThiS mAkeS mE reAlisED tHat..27 PRICETAGS GOD is so wise that he never created FRIENDS with pricetags.. ThErE wIlL B TiMeS U wOn't SeE Me BeSiDe U..

it never matters how many waves are there. what matters is which one touches the seashore. You are one of the best books ever written.. Friends forever~!!! KEEPING A FRIEND KeEping a FRIEND is As Difficult AS losing one.28 SHOOTING STARS The times we shared is like shooting star. l may not right in evrythng. your heart as the seashore.. Believe in things you wanna do. BuT To Have An UnDeRsTaNdiNg FriEnd iS FaR MoRe WoRtH tHaN GoLd~! . YOU sacrifice A lot To keep them. A masterpiece worth reading million times ☻lm not wealthy but I have a rich heart.. that's definitely a lifetime PROMISE! FLOWER If friends were flowers I would not pick you! I'll let you grow in the garden & cultivate you with love and care so I can keep you as a friend 4ever!! FALLING APART .. Feel glad when your dreams come true. friends like the waves..Friend is a book with only one copy published. PROMISE We've known each other by CHANCE. Best of all they dont judge you & simply love you coz ur you PRICELESS GIFT FriEndSHiP iS A PRiCeLeSs GiFt tHaT cAn'T Be BoUgHt Or SoLd. but im sure l wasnt wrong in choosing you 2 be my friend ☻A lover makes you realise how wonderful the world is. THAT's LIFE ☻When u draw a circle with friendship as radius & love as center u will always find me on the circumference ☻Treat life as the sea. Forever engraved in our hearts. But its a friend who makes you realise how wonderful you are to the world... l am not the best but I always try my best.. but in my HEART I swear I'm keeping you. still friends by DECISION. ☻True Frnds see yoU true... And when we say FRIEND FOREVER.. became friends by CHOICE. the time is short but really beautiful moments. I may not have sacrificed enough 4 you..

29 SUBSCRIBER CANNOT BE REACHED If you need advice. OUT OF MY CONTROL Meeting you was fate..... call me. come to me. True friends stay together and never say good bye.. beyond WORDS. as long as the world stands... NEVER SPLIT I met you as a stranger. a shoulder when you cry.. but is on how DEEP the ROOTS HAVE GROWN. text me.. where everything seems UNCERTAIN. I'm surrounded by angels but I call them my best friends..... the kind that heaven sends. Without love. FRIENDS 4 LIFE Without humor. and never does it die.. your all that 4 me. You'll always be my FRIEND. me 'enter' ur life. life is impossible! COMPUTER A good friend is like a computer... If you need me.. Whos a frnd? A push when you stop. If you need money. becoming your friend was choice. life is hard. 'shift' u 2 opportunities & never 'delete' u from my memory! FRIENDS ALWAYS In this WORLD. It is not MEASURED on how TALL it could be. MEMORY LASTS FOREVER A memory lasts forever. .. 'format' ur problems. but falling in love with you was completely out of my control.. Without courage. FRIENDSHIP The ship that will never sink is my friendship with you. If you need a friend... THE SUBSCRIBER CANNOT BE REACHED! COMPARE FRIENDSHIP is like a tree. life is hopeless. beyond TIME & beyond DISTANCE! ANGEL FRIENDS I believe in angels. I leave you as a friend. smile when your sad. All friends never split and even if they do they will meet again. . 'save' u in my heart. word when your quite. life sux. our friendship never ends. Without friends like you. only one thing is DEFINITE.. touch when your lost.

Frnds I can make. bt ven I got U. So Hurry Rechrg Now !! . hug says i want u..I got MORE than my SHARE! F-R-I-E-N-D-S are like balloons. but whn we became FRENDS i jst knw tht i got d SWEETEST BOX! HAPPY FRIENDSHIP DAY! F'ship is like standin on wet cement... crush says i like u. Another winter. sum r comedy. r u? Do you know what is FRIENDSHIP? It is the SMALLEST thing u argue 4. But as long as there are frenz 2 provide the melody. but I will always be THANKFUL that once in my life's journey we became FRIENDS Frnds r like films. n yet othrs r tragedy.. U can never go without leaving ur footprints! Another month. wat will make me happy is tht 1 day if u hear my name u'll smile n saY dats my frnd! Though my WORDS r FEW. but there'll never be.. Another tear. U cant ever bring them back thats Y i hv tied u tight to my H-E-A-R-T! Bcoz u r 2 precious 2loose!! A true friend is someone who thinks that Ür a good egg even though he knows that Ür slightly cracked. the miracle is to make a friend who will stand by you when a million are against you. bt my HEART is TRUE.30 Happy frndshps day In the rhythm of life v smetimes. but a FRIEND says i care for u.he tried 2 b FAIR. "i'm still here. Very few are like U. find ourselvs 'Out of tune'.. smile says i adore u. sum r musical. when u r together AND MISS those SMALLEST thing when u r APART Time might lead me nowhere & fate might break me into pieces. Ü shud be proud to have a true friend like me! friends never leave each other friends never part they just some times sit silently deep in each others heart saying. bt none as SWEET as U. sum r advnturus. longer U stay harder it is 2 leave & if U ever leave.. once u let them go. OSCAR WINNING Ur validity being myfrend is going to be expird 2day. A summer too. sum r romantic.. the music plays on!' HAPPY FRIENDSHIP DAY. Making a million friends is not a miracle.. Plz Rechrg ur frendship a/c immdiatly by Sending 4-5 sweet & Cool msgs. Ven God gav FRIENDS.HAPPY FRIENDSHIP DAY Life s like box of chocolates u never knw wht u gonna get.. Even i didnt knw. Another year. today tomorrow & FOREVER!! I dont expect 2 be the most imptnt friend in ur life dats 2 much 2 ask... Happy frdship day! Love says i love u. ANOTHER YOU. Another smile.

shoulders 2 cry. we only notice THEM when we fall & THEY stop .TOTALLY ROCKS. friend. u have 2 sit patient 4 a long time to catch a nice one. Think of me and keep in mind.! In the world few things r GODS gift.) JL Happy Friendship Day Life is meaningful.. but if you find one equal and true. v cn alwys mke a diff. Certain frnds touch our heart & v cant stop thinking about them... To eat ùr head! (".. never leave the old for new .. But 1 sweet frnd like u makes my life. That is the kind of frnds v are Far yet so Near. when u have friends to share it with. Hope this story never has an nding Often v stand at life's crossroads & view wht v thnk is d END. Our story had a wonderful bgining.. stupid fights... V WIN & LOSE thngs evryday... a faithful friend is hard to find. You are the best heart surgeon in the world. Bt wid d help of a true frend. Thank u for sharing my life with me. but having a friend like u.31 Friends r like fishes..2 pick us up.. .. we tend to run so fast that we dont notice FRIENDS r running with us. mother's love father's advice brother's care sister's fight baby's smile & ours frendship. But trust me on 1 thng: You will NEVER lose ME! I will ALWAYS be thr. Thanks for being my FRIEND There is a story bhind every frndship. just like i caught u.... b'coz you made a place in my HEART without cutting & spilling it.. v cn cnvrt dis end in2 jst a BEND! 2gethr... small small sharing.. 7 sweet days make 1 sweet week.falling in luv is exciting. ....having a heart break sucks. better stay nice or i'll fry u 24 sweet hrs make 1 sweet day. Each frnd v make is a start of each story. Having a crush is sweet... moments of caring. Simple yet so Precious Feeling of love. 4 sweet week make 1 sweet month.! Sometimes in life. 2 b 2gether in pain.. creates a miracle called FRIENDS.

but they're not bad either. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about. Use computers to look busy -. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read.only top management can get away with a clean desk. Remember. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're headed for the toilet. Well.Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. it looks like "work" to the casual observer.Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Voice mail -. last year's work looks the same as today's work. 9:35pm. etc.) and during public holidays. bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives. For the rest of us. Put lots of books on the floor. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. To the observer.it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure. Above all. 7:05am. Never walk without a document -. 1. 3.e. it's volume that counts. Messy desk -." he says to her. make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night. respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there -. 2. Send important e-mails at unearthly hours (i. If somebody leaves a message for you and it sounds like impending work. Creative sighing for effect -. 6. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. barely able to keep a straight face.they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM.Any time you use a computer. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.32 10 Office Rules: 10. so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. Stacking strategy -. one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give off the impression that you're always busy. 8. Leave the office late -.Sigh loudly when there are many people around. (thick computer manuals are the best). Pile them high and wide.. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric. thus saving valuable training dollars. "I'm sorry. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle." .your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software. putting the entire production line behind schedule. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing -. they don't have to understand what you say.According to George Costanza. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself. Look impatient and annoyed -. Build vocabulary -. Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. MOST IMPORTANT -. When you get caught by your boss -.People with documents look like hardworking employees headed to important meetings. 7. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.and you will get caught -. 5. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. 4. 9. thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you really do.DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake! Tickle Me Elmo: There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. etc.Always leave the office late. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up. That's no way to live.. "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. You can send and receive personal e-mail. it looks like we're not working hard enough. but you sure sound impressive. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Screen all your calls through voice mail.It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. chat and have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. especially when the boss is still around. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. People with nothing in their hands look like they're headed for the cafeteria.

I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm! 5. The coffee machine is broken. 7. and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks. You are currently in 352nd place.'(The beauty of this is that when you return.33 "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles. Be prepared for my mood. 10: I've run away to join a different circus. 6: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people! 6. 9. chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all. This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to. "And another thing the number one thing we are very keen on is truthfulness. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress. There is no mat. I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend. 4. ." "Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?" "Oh. Your credit card has been charged $5." "Out-Of-Office" E-Mail Auto-Reply: 1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. If You Get Caught Sleeping at Your Desk 1. " said the boss. Please wait by your PC for my response. 3." responded the young man. Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem. you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over). 8. yes. 4: I will be unable to delete all the unread. 9: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. 2." said the boss. Please restart your computer and try sending again. 8: Hi.99 for each additional word in your message. Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP). 10. sir. 3: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management. They told me at the blood bank this might happen. Don't bother to leave me any messages. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received. "If you're going to work here young man. "the number two thing you must learn is that we are very keen on cleanliness in this firm. 7: Thank you for your message. I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance. 5: Thank you for your email. 2: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. If I was in. worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper.99 for the first ten words and $1. which has been added to a queuing system.

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This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny! NAME: Greg Bulmash. SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person. DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. SALARY: Less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes. DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely. SIGN HERE: Aries.

Ways To Have Fun in the Workplace Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after you boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-Cha."

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Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom." Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Marge. Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way. Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document. Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they want fries with that. Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing. Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN." Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers. Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "oh you've got to be faster than that. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

WINTER JOKES The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared. Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?" The man on the phone responded, "This winter is going to be quite cold indeed." So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"

Q: Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman than a regular one? A: You have to hollow out the head.

A bird was flying south for Winter, but he had left it too late and was frozen solid in a storm. He dropped down into a pasture of cows. The biggest, fattest cow was doing a crap there, and the bird landed in it. At first

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he was disgusted, until he realised the poo was thawing him out! He started crying out for joy as the ice melted. A cat that was nearby heard the cries, walked over, saw the bird and ate it There are three morals to this story: 1. Not everyone who gets you into shit is your enemy 2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend 3. If you are in shit, keep your mouth shut

Peekaboo Street (the US Olympian) apparently came into a lot of money because of her Olympic performance this winter. Rather than spend it on herself, she showed a lot of character by donating it to a local hospital. The primary facility the hospital needed was a retrofit of the Intensive Care Unit, so in her honor, the hospital board is going to name the new unit, "Peekaboo, I.C.U."

DIRTY JOKES A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, 'I wish I had bigger tits'. The boyfriend says 'well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months'. 'How will that help to make my tits bigger?' asks the girlfriend. 'Well it worked for your ass' says the boyfriend.

A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a classoom observation. He took out a jar of yellow liquid. "This," he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and taste." After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths. After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth."

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"

There was this woman who had bags under her eyes and wanted to get them removed so she could look younger so she went to a plastic surgeon. She tells the doctor I cant get rid of these bags please help me. The doctor says he is gonna try and new experimental technique on her. He will put a crank in the back of her head and when she sees bags under her eyes she's supposed to crank it and the bags will go away. So she gets this crank put in her head and leaves. It works and works for a while until one day she cant get rid of these bags under her eyes. She cranks and cranks as hard as she can but they just wont go away. So she goes to the doctor. She says to the doctor: "Doctor, this was working for a while, but I cant seem to get rid of these bags under my eyes." The doctor replies: "Lady those aren't bags... those are your tits!" All she had to say was, "Now that would explain why I have this goatee."

A guy is walking past a bus stop and says to a woman "Can I smell your cunt?" "Fuck off, no you can't smell my cunt!" the woman yells back at him, "Oh" he replies, looking slightly confused, "it must be your feet then".

"No. but landed in some bushes. "No Deborah. I'll go hunting. So I went out onto the balcony. and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. "Well. "Hey. "That's disgusting!" "Nope. "No. sir. "Now class. so I came home early to catch her with him. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. Okay." The teacher replied. I take my shoes off before I go into the house. hard. Luckily I landed in some bushes." Johnny is kind of irritated now... and she's always sound asleep." he insisted." Now for the second. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage." It got crowded in heaven.. and I died. Also. Okay. "Oh." answers Johnny." St. It's soft. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says. I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. "Tell me about the day you died?". plumb and red. yellow. Billy. Peter chuckled. "You know. and since it was a crime of passion. wisely ignored him and picked Deborah. I get undressed in the bathroom. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below." she says. jump into bed. and it got a head on it. I'm naked. picture this. so he speaks up loudly. and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. Those are my rules. first: it's round.37 A couple were married and." Well. So. I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. and at what time I want. then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!" St. he said to the third man in line. it was awful. I screech into the driveway. I don't expect any hassle from you. But. "Well. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day." Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says. I sneak up the stairs. I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit. for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. Johnny raised his hand high. unless I tell you otherwise. and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips.." said the second man. he let the man in." he said. but I like your thinking. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack. if I want. I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I don't know what else to do. who promptly answered "An apple.. hiding inside a refrigerator." Of course." "Johnny!" she cries. just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night. He fell. but the teacher. but I like your thinking. and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. But. it's a beet. "it's a squash." the teacher replies. slam the door. following the wedding. "I'll be home when I want. the husband laid down some rules. fuzzy. rub my hands on my wife's ass and say.. I went inside. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. throw my shoes into the closet. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. it was awful. "And. you're obviously taking the wrong approach. that's fine with me. let me put my hand in my pocket. and colored red and brownish. I'm afraid it's a potato." the teacher replies. Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. "Any comments?" His new bride replied. Here's another: it's long. I've got it: it's round. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking. I've got one for you teacher. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "A banana. "No. so. got a hammer. St. "it's a quarter. I was sure my wife was having an affair. boozing. whether you're here or not. storm up the steps." The man said. but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. 'How about a blowjob?' . and started hitting his hands. "Tell me about the day you died." One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man. "OK. But I like your thinking.. fishing. but I like your thinking!" . we live on the 25th floor.

suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. I'm gonna drown the bastard!!" Check out our other Dirty Jokes pages. How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick. The doctor. after covering the tip of his penis with honey. just get on with it. He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises. except his own. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. still concentrating. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper". she began to moan and groan aloud. Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds? Because most men are stupid. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. "Oh doctor. inserted it into the young lady's vagina. at this point. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts. yes. doctor!" she shouted. What's six inches long. What do blondes and the Bermuda triangle have in common? They've both swallowed a lot of semen. and drives women wild? Money. The doctor. what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he blasted. What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common? They can both smell it but can't eat it.. whatever. "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. the doctor said. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day. replied: "Change of plan. "Hmm. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit"." So the doctor. there's a bee in my vagina!". The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. So the doctor went deeper and deeper. "Now wait a minute. The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. After a few gentle strokes. What's the difference between love. The young lady said "Yes. true love and showing off? Spitting." The husband nodded and gave his approval. what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. help me. anal sex makes your hole weak. The husband. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It's not hard. The doctor thought for a moment and said. looked like he was enjoying himself. tricky situation. "Oh my god.. concentrating very hard. The young lady began to quiver with excitement. swallowing and gargling. The doctor said "OK. What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig? A man who hates every bone in a woman's body. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? . All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. The woman started screaming. but few are blind.38 One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant. two inches wide.

A few days later. were two little leaves. Beyond her control. Dirty Joke about Little Billy Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Billy rushed out to meet him yelling. Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad. without any clothes. Under Eve's eyes." "Gee Dad that's great." said little Billy. "Jesus I'm coming. that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven. a nice big tree. Never the less to say. started to rise. There was Eve's treasure. In this garden. When his Dad came home Billy said. that suited them best. As the story goes on. where they began to rest. as everyone knows. All covered with hair. And wonder came. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. As Adam's thing. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said. They found a spot. While thrill after thrill. the wind came along. Peeked into the hole. "Well Dad. At the sight. Came into her heart. "Dad. and filled her with passion. and blew the leaves away. Her legs spread wider. one covered Eve's. "Son. I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming. I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!" In the Garden of Eden. . Adam did stare. The head of Adam's thing. Lives Adam and Eve.39 She is the one who can eat the last donut! What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom? A pick pocket snatches watches. one covered Adam's. when Dad came home from work. and wider apart. "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air.

She wouldn't let loose. and now it is time. was all wet inside. Then down through the years.40 Backward and forward. for me and you. because I'm in the mood. The joy was good. Until Adam's thing. Was all out of juice. People did screw. for a piece of that ASS! Ben & Jerry's New Presidential (Clinton) Flavors Slick Willie Double Nut Joy Subpoenas 'n' Cream Impeach-Mint Candy Pants Chocolate Chip Doughboy Chilly Hillbilly Draft-Dodging Pot-Smoking Intern-Nailing Raspberry Swirl Vanilla Pantsachio Subpoena Colada Biscuits 'n' Gravy Horny Bubba Crunch Arkansas Peach Subpoena Butter Cup Peppermint Fattie Captain Cream Tubby Bubba Hillary Chiller Fundraising Coffee Oval Office Surprise Arkansas Smoothie Hyperactive Nuts . and lay in the grass. So pull down your pants. His thing did slide. And Eve's treasure.

" "For God's sake. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy. no doubt. I feel guilty and depressed for a week. you discover that the object of your affection is a curvaceous 18 year old. And then afterward. 10) "Returned mail: User unknown and never wants to hear from you again. "Doctor. "And you.com has become cold and distant.com 2) Ken Starr launches an investigation into your relationship with the mysterious "tubby@whitehouse. but his GIF looks like some geek who works for a software company. VA. 4) Since her first e-mail. After ten minutes of the bloke pestering her." nodded the psychiatrist." 11) After months of shared experiences and emotional investments.'s face in the JPEG she sent because she's obscured by her 25 cats. 5) He claims to be the richest man in the world. 6) You can barely make out your S. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward.gov" 1) In an ironic twist of fate. she had had .Fast!@cyber-promotions. and she's dialing in from Langley. Woman: Can I get it over the counter? Pharmacist: If you give me two of them. A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. 'I think you're wasting your time. you can 14 Signs Your Online Relationship Isn't Working Out 14) You discover that "Chesty McBust" isn't her real name. NO!" exclaimed the woman." she pleaded. she attacks you in the Mines of Quarn with a Vorpal Sword when she learns you're worth 45. I bet I can change your mind' said the bloke. want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter.41 Scandalberry Viagra Joke Woman: Can I get Viagra here? Pharmacist: Yes. 12) Her postmaster rejects your e-mail not as "undeliverable" but as "unlikely to get you anywhere." "I see. He decides to go over and chat her up. Make. I'm only interested in women' said the woman." 9) Your cyber-lover is just too busy editing that silly little Top 5 List. 3) She's suddenly changed her address to comingout@lesbian.Money. L. 7) You discover that she has been cutting and pasting her orgasms. hairy man.000 points. Your online girlfriend: Large. rather than the geeky 14 year old boy she'd pretended to be. 'Oh come on." A bloke is sat at a bar when he sees this gorgeous woman waiting for her date. you must help me. 8) Getting perhaps a bit too comfortable. 13) You: Large. I end up in bed with him. she lets a reference to cutting her chin shaving slip by. hairy man.

However. What was the girl's problem?" Taking a sip. and saw a beautiful model walking towards them. I never know you to be one to be prejudiced against handicaps." A young associate was romantically ambushed in a darkened room of the law firm. 'let's see your vibrator do that?' A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. "Jimmy.. The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket. I'll stay with you for a week". barman get this lady a drink' he said. "My husband's home! My husband's home!" Over drinks one afternoon a buddy of mine and I were discussing former "loves"." Reasons For Being Fired From Toys 'R' Us .. she ran out and yelled. The President walks up and says. the associate was happy to reciprocate. "She couldn't say 'yes'.. "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you great sex for a whole year!". I'll give you great sex for a week". The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket. "Gee. OK. "All I know for sure is that it was a partner -. "I don't have time for sex. the frog says. "What a babe. After months of the social isolation that comes from eighty hour work weeks. "What's wrong with you? I've promised you great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss a frog?" "I'm a programmer. I paused and reflected. when asked by a friend to identify the lover." Two lawyers were walking down Rodeo Drive. The programmer smiles and walks on. I'm shocked.I had to do all the work. 'OK' said the woman 'I'll sleep with you if you can do anything for me that my vibrator can't!' 'OK. if you kiss me.42 enough. He was glad for the interlude because it taught him how much his wife loved him. the associate was puzzled." one said. the frog says "OK." A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. A few minutes later." he replies. The frog pipes up. She was so thrilled to have him around that when a delivery man or the mailman arrived. But a talking frog is pretty neat. "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me. "I'd sure like to fuck her!" "Really?" the other responded. I've never come across your faces before. I told him that I once broke-up with a girl long ago because she had a seemingly incurable speech impediment. "Out of what?" Clinton Joke Two new young interns are hired in the White House. Finally. A few minutes later. They are walking down the hall when President Clinton sees them. George said.

it's still in the CRATE!" A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. an impressive work of art. 8. Impromptu demonstrations of why Malibu Ken is not anatomically correct. Source of reefer smoke finally traced to "nostrils" of Geoffrey the Giraffe. "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight." The guy replies. 14. Numerous parental complaints about your "Tickle Me Carl The Stock boy" display. This was the first time he had seen them. he replied. 1. A little too much joie de vivre while demonstrating the erector set. "Nope". "Why Doc? Am I going blind?" . They start talking as the doctor is examining his eyes. I don't". he said again. "Bite me. Too many reports from people who swear they saw Geoffrey the Giraffe in a leather bar. "I wanna stay here in the front seat with you. Writhing in agony. no one has ever touched these breasts. Your sales display. kid -. 7. 6. You got caught adding a garage to your house using embezzled Lego bricks. Regardless of the question. ―Now do you want to get in the back seat?‖ "No." A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. 4." 3." 13. "Want to go in the back seat?" she asked. 11. marries. "Barbie's Struggle for Survival in Post-Nuclear Holocaust Malibu" was not exactly an overwhelming success. You went overboard with your GI Joe Militia display by adding the Tonka truck full of fertilizer." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage. The "My Little Taxidermy Kit" (with starter squirrel) is not selling. if you know what I mean. you answer. 10.I'm on break. the doctor casually says. Caught hocking phlegm into tykes' hands and telling them it was "homemade Gack. It should be okay next week." How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way." The Kentuckian and his gal were embracing passionately in the front seat of the car. Cross-dressing the Ken and Barbie dolls and telling kids they're the new "Jerry Springer" edition. he falls to the ground." The doc said ." He whips down his pants and says. he says. 12. The guy mentions none of this to his girl. A few minutes later she asked. and wired it all together. she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. Got caught doing your Dolly Parton impression with basketballs again. and on his honeymoon night in the motel room. When he finally gets himself to the doctor. "You'll be the first. 5. Jaws of life needed to pull your knees out of your chest after you jackknifed a Big Wheel. In the middle of their conversation. 9. She says. you stick your head in an Easy Bake Oven and threaten to "end it all.43 15. 2. "Look at this. "You need to stop masturbating. Every time you're passed over for a promotion.

EHWC -. Ma said what was that for? Pa said for forty years of bad sex. You lisina to me. "Three times." Jeff said without hesitation. but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room. Now.Heroin Addict with Great Sense of Humor 5. He says to the doctor. HAWGSOH -. a biga home . After great meditation and discussion they concluded: "Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff.44 The doctor says. you goina have a beautiful wife. But grandpa I really don't like guns. lotsa money. Ma said oh and continued rocking. "I've felt so weird lately. the Pope and Moses. SWFWHBTP -. Top Ten Acronyms Least Used In Personal Ads 10. writing. "That makes sense. some day you goin a be runna da bussiness. the problem remained exactly how to word this new commandment so that it matched the other commandments in style and holy inspiration. so you will always remember me.Really Hip Macarena Instructor 6.Janet Reno Look-Alike 9.Will Screw Ugly Bastards for Cash An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed Grandson I wanta you to listen to me.Show Tune-Loving Straight Male 4.Extremely Hairy White Chick 2.Single White Female Who Has Blown the President 3.Moon walking Single-Gloved Straight/Gay White/Black Male/Female King Of Pop With Predilection For Young Boys 7. Ma reached over and slapped Pa. STLSM -. she's my wife." Jeff said. Pa said what was that for? Ma said for knowing the difference. Doc. "No.Cigar-Wielding President 8. "after all. "Well. how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead. "How often a week do you sleep with your wife?" asked the inquirer. They decided that the only course of action left was to create an 11th Commandment to get their message across. CWP -. can you tell me what's wrong?" The doctor replied." Last week a very important meeting took place among God. I can clearly see your nuts!" Ma and Pa where rocking on the front porch when Pa turned and slapped Ma. WSUBFC -. JRLA -." A man was going door-to-door doing a sexual survey in Jeff's neighborhood. RHMI -. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol. MSG S/G W/B M/F KOPWPFYB -." A guy walks INTO a psychiatrist's office covered only in Saran Wrap.Works At Radio Shack and Drives A Pinto and the Number One 1. "That is once more often than your neighbor." the inquirer said. WARSADAP -. They were troubled because the President of the United States was behaving in an inappropriate manner and there were many people who saw nothing wrong in what he had done.

" "What do you do all day?" asked Martha. There are azure skies. 'Legs!' Larry immediately replied. God was looking for Adam and Eve. washing herself out." "Well. then. A young nurse says "Why are you doing that?" He replies. I should be in the third grade!' Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Larry's problem. what is it like where you are?" "It's great.45 and maybe a couple od bambino. and there's nothing but making love until noon. I should be in third grade!' The teacher looked at little Larry's records and told him to please take his seat. I knew this would happen. 'I don't belong here." "Damn." God said. "She's down at the river. . we nap until two and then make love again until about five." says God. The same nurse says. Unfortunately. True to her word. "Oh John. a few weeks later. "Yes Martha. The teacher suggested they try some biology questions. They vowed that if either died. Adam said. the nurse replied The next day the man has his penis hanging outside of his pants again. they soon discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of. "It did. he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the room and said. Today is the viewing" One fine morning in Eden. Martha. Where is Eve now?" Adam replied. 'What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?' asked the teacher. "It died today." There were two lovers. we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p. this is Martha. the young man died in a car wreck. After dinner. The principal and the first grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he belonged. "Adam." On little Larry's first day of first grade. Well. the grass is so green and the cows have such beautiful eyes." Martha was somewhat taken aback. some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man.m. who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. 'Pockets!' said Larry. After lunch. we get up before sunrise. Later in the day God saw Adam and asked where he and Eve were earlier. "now all the fish will smell funny. "John. 'I don't belong here. "TIMES UP"? A man at a retirement home was walking around with his zipper down holding his penis. this is John. his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later... John. At the séance. the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Martha." "Oh that's terrible!"." Martha tearfully asked. you have sinned. she called out. Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said." The man replies. "The morning Eve and I made love for the first time. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her. "Well. eat some good breakfast. sunshine most of the time. "What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't?' asked the teacher. "Is that what heaven really is like?" "Heaven? I'm not in heaven. where are you?" "I'm a bull in Montana. I can hear you. but couldn't find them. "I thought it died yesterday. a soft breeze.

After some time the king grew suspicious of the queen's escapades and wanted to punish the subjects willing to risk their lives for a fling with her. learning all she could. she called the instructor." John took his blind date to the carnival. I missed those last two questions!' This sex researcher phones one of the participants in a recent survey of his to check on a discrepancy. By mid-afternoon he realized that there was not a single male soul in the vicinity who had not made a valiant attempt only to be left peniless (pun). The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. and completed the exam with tremendous skill. You put the engine back together again perfectly. When time for the practical exam approached. Her roommate. dropping her off with a handshake. She got on the scale. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the muffler. she prepared carefully for weeks. in the men's room. John again asked Kim what she would like to do. One night. Waura. on the other hand. The king was short in vital parts and the queen had to seek solace with every Dick. When the results came back. "And that's how it's going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off. it would slice any elongated object that ventured anywhere within an inch of the queen's waist. Kim?" asked the man. "How'd it go?" Kim responded. . The mechanism was simple. They ambled over to the weight guesser." There once lived a king and a queen who ruled a large kingdom.. only the first and last letters were visible. By this time." she responded." This fellow was so deeply in love that just before he was married. Now they're on their honeymoon at a resort in Montego Bay. The magician built an invisible contraption that was attached to the queen's waist. he had his bride's name tattooed on his love muscle. the tattoo spelled out W -E-N-D-Y. Tom and Harry. it was wousy. Back to the weight guesser they went. The only man left was his minister and to his surprise the king. but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting. Since they had been there before. saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result. "I want to get weighed.. "During the exam. When the ride was over. John figured she was really weird and took her home early. this fellow finds himself standing next to a tall Jamaican at the urinal. "What would you like to do first. Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. although when he was aroused. Immediately after his arrival he summoned the queen's private bodyguards to his foyer and having dispatched all attendants ordered them to undress. He sought the services of his court magician to help identify the culprits.46 The teacher looked at the principal." replies the bloke. it read 117 and she won a prize. which was worth 50% of the total mark. He asks the bloke. answered 'several times a night'. "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse you answered 'twice weekly'. Normally. Your wife. he guessed her correct weight. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved." "That's right. 'Maybe he should be in third grade. you took the engine apart perfectly. who said." said the girl. which is also worth 50% of the mark. she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%." The instructor said. A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. Fearing an error. He guessed 120 pounds. on inspection found the only man who had a penis left on him! Pleased with his minister's loyalty he asked him as to what punishment would befit all the others and in reply received only a blubbering sound from the minister's mouth. signed up for evening classes and attended diligently." she said. Having set his trap the king set off on a hunting trip and returned to his palace after spending a sleepless week and burning with curiosity. All of them had lost their penises! He next summoned the palace guards and the result was the same. and John lost his dollar. "I want to get weighed. Laura. "Oh. asked her about the blind date. "I want to get weighed.

"you will have a baby girl. I work for the Tourist board.. 4. Half hour later he walks in the house and finds his wife sliding up and down the banister! "What are you doin?" he asks. Lately she sits at the computer naked. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive. Chang. When the woman arrived. During sex." The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Ed Zachary Disease was and he replied. Looking thru the phone book. "What would you like for lunch dear?" "Oh I think I'll have a shag please!" So again they shag and he returns to work. The second woman was asked the same question. In the morning.. "but I couldn't help noticing your tattoo. the computer screen is all fogged up. husband comes downstairs in the morning and the wife asks what he'd like for breakfast "Oh I think I'll have a shag please!" So they go upstairs have a shag then he goes to work. she told the doctor her symptoms and he said. Chang said. "I'm warming up your dinner!!" There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived?" "He was on top ". "Welcome to Jamaica. she decided that it was time to see a doctor... she replied. he always has a cigarette." he says. In hopes of finding a solution to her problem. "You will have a boy!" the doctor exclaimed. Chang shook his head and said. she came upon a Chinese sex therapist named Dr.. "you haf real bad case of Ed Zachary disease. she screams "A colon backslash enter insert!" 2. She makes sarcastic remarks about your "software". Mine reads.worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex probrem.that when your face rook ED-ZACHARY rike your ass!" Top Ten Signs Your Spouse May Be Having an On-Line Affair 10. " said the doctor. "Ed Zachary Disease. too.you crawl real fass back to me. 9. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate." and she did. mon. The fax file is filled with pictures of someone's butt. "I was on top ".47 To his amazement. mon. 7... . "Now. Newly married couple both nymphomaniacs. 8." She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr. he notices that this man. Lipstick on the mouse. "Take off all your clothes and you crawl real fass away from me across the froor. 5. 6. After signing off. Husband comes home for lunch. have a nice day. 3. "Excuse me. He's gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand.'" A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. Do you have a girlfriend named Wendy?" "No way. was the reply.. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underwear. 1. Dr. has the letters W-Y tattooed on his penis.

He was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. She might be able to help. But he sets off into the forest and sure enough finds the witch sitting in front of her cottage casting spells. The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. no. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up. But he can't get any sex. but there was no passion. When I was 25. because every woman who sees it faints at the sight. never settling on anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a guy with some excitement. and your wife is on the back of the milk carton. During Mass." he says. he asked the congregation. But the doctor refuses .. I am now 47 and am looking for a guy with a big dick. But one Saturday night the cock went missing! The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning. he tells the man. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up. I have a fifty inch long penis and no one will have sex with me!" .. When I was 18.. "please help me. "What's the matter?" asked the doc. took everything I owned. So I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life. impetuous things and flirted with everyone he met. He was so ambitious that he divorced me. I found an exciting guy. I hoped that one day I would have a boyfriend. "No. I found a smart ambitious guy with his feet planted firmly on the ground and married him. "that wasn't what I meant. In college I dated a passionate guy. though of course he thinks it's all a bit odd. burst into tears. cried all the time and threatened suicide. The Perfect Breakfast As a Man Sees It You‘re sitting at the table and your son is on the cover of Wheaties. I got a boyfriend. I found a very stable guy but he was boring. "Witch. your mistress is on the cover of Playboy. he was a drama queen. "that wasn't what I meant." he said. "that wasn't what I meant. He was great fun initially and very energetic.48 With this. Because he's so desperate he decides he'll go and see her. no. He did mad. So I decided I needed a guy with stability. Story of a Woman who just turned 47 When I was 16. and ran off with my best friend. He made me miserable as often as happy.. but directionless. "Am I going to have puppies?‖. but he does happen to know a witch who lives in the forest. three altar boys.he can't shorten a perfectly good penis. the third women. "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up. "No. Has anybody seen MY cock?" All the nuns. but he was too emotional." he said. There's a man who has fifty inch long penis. So I decided to find a guy with some ambition. He rushed from one thing to another. When I was 28. two priests and a goat stood up. "No. Everything was an emergency. but I couldn't keep up with him. a blonde. So he goes to the doctor and begs him to shorten it. no." he said. When I turned 31.

"I've got some bad news. So we have a test for all our prospective members. "please marry me!" The frog looks up. He won't be allowed to join our order. and from behind him comes the tinkling of nine little bells." he whispers. This was going to be a hard decision . his penis has shrunk by ten inches! It's still a bit long for sex." replies the man. "No!" he croaks. "You do need my help. shocked. he thinks.. he finds the magic frog singing quietly to itself. "No ." So the men.. Ask him to marry you. waiting expectantly.. so he goes to join the monastery. And. and she'll have sex with you!" . Until she gets to the end of the line and pushes her butt into the man's face..I told you once!" the frog croaks. A man walks into a watch and clock store. not a single bell rings. I'm married to God. As the Abbott explains to the ten potential recruits.49 She takes one look at his massive cock and then says. Anyhow.. any man whose bell rings will have failed the test. and equally qualified . so he turns to her and says: "Sister. so he thinks that's that." she says.. "I'm sorry.Jack and Mary.. but he's delighted... we must be sure that you won't be troubled by sexual impulses if join the order. balls dangling. He was obviously going to have to interview them both and then decide."Hey. The woman behind the counter doesn't bat an eyelid.not a cock shop!" "Well. When the naked woman comes into the room. Then the most beautiful young blonde with big tits waltzes into the room and starts walking slowly down the line. sure enough.. this is a clock shop . But when he gets off the bus.." he began. sit on the bench. tell her you're God. sit on the bench with a little bell tied to the end of their cocks.more layoffs.." Well.NO. Take your clothes off. "Why don't you put two hands and a face on it?" The manager was having difficulty with profits and fixed costs. tell me!" "Every Saturday night she goes to the cemetery to pray. I've got a terrible headache?" This bloke gets on a bus and sees a nun he rather fancies. Well. for he will be sorely troubled with sexual thoughts while he is in our midst.. "I'll just pick it up and leave. shakes his head and shouts. he knows that if you don't ask you don't get. please marry me!" "No .sure enough." So he bends down. your penis will shrink by ten inches!" Weird though this is.. the bell rings furiously and goes flying off across the room with the force of his erection. But there's a recruitment test." he mumbles. teasing the men as she goes. seeing as how I'm a frog and you're a man. confused and embarrassed. "I know how you can get to have sex with her!" "You do?" the guy says. it's all too much for him . will you have sex with me?" "Oh no. but he sees her point.... Not a sound.AND FOR THE LAST TIME. at forty inches. go on.. and all you have to do is lie on one of the tombstones dressed in white robe with a false beard. and must leave at once. "Froggy. "quick. I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off. But there were only two possibilities . So he called Mary in first. another ten inches off would be perfect! "Frog. unzips his trousers and slaps his cock on the counter. "My sons. still. young and old alike.. But you must go into the forest and find the magic frog who lives in the pond. annoyed." The guy looks down . he's disappointed. "please marry me!" The frog looks extremely annoyed. naked butt upwards. "I can't do that!" The man looks down . Not a single erection. so there was only one solution . the bus driver stops him . "I can't do that." She looked at him for a moment in silence then replied: "Well.. Something to do with the black stockings maybe. "I'm sorry.but one had to go.. the man is desperate. and attach this bell to the end of your penis. "I can't possibly do that. so he shouts back at the frog: "Oh.they were both excellent workers..NO!" So this guy's tired of life and fed up with not getting sex.. so off he goes into the forest. his penis has shrunk by ten inches again! It's now only thirty inches long! The guy thinks this is wonderful but..his cock shoots up. can you jack off." he shouts. She looks him straight in the eye and says "Put that away Sir." he roars across the pond.sure enough. and each time he refuses.

she found the same thing again . Finally.. Ken's boat. the harder you rub it. This week I showed him.." "Hey. keeping his hood low about his face. so she didn't say anything. hang on." The teacher walked into the classroom to find the word "penis" chalked in small letters on the board.. they all agree to swap partners for one night. He's got only a tiny penis about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. With a red face she rubbed it out and went on with the lesson. Amazingly. "your wish is my command." it declaims. She was a bit embarrassed.95." he cries. I'm the man in the bus!" "Ha-ha. But the next day when she came in. in larger letters. So the following week. Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.00 when all the others are only $19." Great. and Divorced Barbie for $265." he demands. after some discussion. Sure enough. "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19."penis"." he replies. The horse's owner goes over to the other guy. this went on for a whole week. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. "but maybe we'd better check it out to be sure!" So. when they come back. As he finishes. he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.50 Well." cries the nun. "I don't think this is going to work.95. It's 2022 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. the guy is back in the bar with his horse again. Ken's car. the bigger it gets!" A guy walks into a bar with his horse and offers $100 to anybody who can make the horse laugh. the horse is sobbing. thinks the guy. "give me a cock that touches the floor. a genie flies out. as she is desperate not to lose her virginity. then whispers to the horse and they go off to the bathroom. I think." This guy's walking along the beach when he kicks a bottle. So she rubbed it out again. The first thing they see is a Martian couple.. "last week I told him I had a bigger cock than him. Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19. on Friday she went into the classroom to find chalked up: "See. there was the word "penis" again. "I'm not God. The same guy comes up to him. Mike and Maureen naturally want to know how they have sex. "why is Divorced Barbie $265.95?" "Yeah. Sure enough. Ken's furniture. Much to his surprise. but why not? So Saturday night sees him in the cemetery. it's like this." the guy asks. "What's the matter?" "Well." The nun agrees without question. he's pretty desperate too.how did you do that?" "Simple. Barbie Goes Shopping for $19. "How much is Barbie?" "Well. "and you must have sex with me." she replies. Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19. this time written slightly larger.95. his chance has finally come! "Genie. "Why not?" he asks. "Oh master. the horse laughs his head off. but rubbed it out and went on with the class. disappointed beyond belief.." she says. Only one guy says he can do it. Well. I just gotta know . he's skeptical. The male Martian looks puzzled. "it's just not long enough to go inside me!" .." says the male Martian.95. as you would... "I am God. Well. and he whispers something in the horse's ear." the man declares. every day the word penis getting bigger. So he asks the assistant. and says: "Hey. and went on with the lesson. "Ha-ha. "Like you do.95. Again next day.00. She goes straight to the point: "So how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex. well." Whereupon both his legs fell off.Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house. so he goes along with it and enjoys his romp with her. "Guess what? I'm the bus driver! A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter." says Maureen. the nun comes in and begins to pray. but his time he offers $200 to anyone who can make the horse cry.

she asks him to drop his pants to check his size. his cock grows wider and wider until it's huge! "Wow!" shouts Maureen.. He thought what he'd seen was just so cool." replied Bill. Sir. She replies. When he gets to the register." says Mike. and vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. It dangles neatly down below. "Well. it misbehaves. He'd been employed there for years when he came home one day and told his wife he had a terrible compulsion. "Well." replies Maureen. It starts to grow so quickly when a guy's about thirteen. his willy in between. An organ with such lovely skin. but I'll just check your size. "My God. She reaches over the counter." I have a little poem." A few customers back was this teen-age boy. So he asks the checkout girl if she could have someone bring them. His testicles on either side. it's softly warm and loyal. So she asks him to drop his pants for her to check. erecting when it shouldn't. His wife. His wife knew something was seriously wrong. Bill looked at her. and he'd never had any sexual experience with a woman. "Clean up crew to check out 10!" Bill worked in a pickle factory. picks up the store intercom and says. so this seemed like his big chance. suggested that he saw sex therapist to talk about it. "My God. Bill." he says. With each slap. "that's very impressive. So a few weeks later. . Bill came home one day white-faced. you didn't. Sure enough. and he starts pulling his ears. I did. and asks if she could have some brought up to the register. gives him a quick feel. he tells the checker that he too has forgotten to get condoms. yes." "No. when he gets to the check out. "Yes. "all I got was a terrible headache. was it any good?" "I hate to say it. "but it was pretty wonderful. One quick feel. but Bill refused . I'll try to make it quick. she got fired too. it's like an untamed beast. But at the slightest hint of lust. Bill. this is great service. terribly concerned. It squirms and writhes and stretches out.. It seems to have a mind all of its own. Sometimes. what happened?" "I got fired." she says. How about you?" "It was horrible. Drop your pants please. before they fall into bed and make mad. Bill. the next man in line thought this was interesting and. he said. Next day the two couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways." says the male Martian." Wow. what's wrong?" she asked. passionate love. Mike says to Maureen. and she picks up the intercom and announces. so." This man's in the line at the supermarket check out. and he drops 'em." Well.51 "No problem. But when he gets to the register he realizes he's forgotten to pick up his condoms. just when you 'spect it least. it's ready to uncoil. grabs his cock. With each pull. As they walk along. picks the store intercom and announces. She just kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears. and he says he doesn't know. it's smooth and mostly hairless. "One box of medium sized condoms to check out 10. I mean what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh. his cock grows till it's actually pretty long. A penis is a splendid thing. The subject is quite simple: the joy of owning dick.. he tells the checker he needs some condoms bringing up. horrified.he'd be too embarrassed. he thinks. and starts to slap his forehead with his hand." "No problem. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. She asks him what size. "One box of large condoms to check out 10." she moaned. but it's still quite narrow. you ladies should be jealous. "Of course. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh Bill.

it will do the same damn dumb things it did before. yeah. lick and play. and more than that . "Mr. man. do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?" "Sure. Somehow. "No problem. And so I'd say with certainty That every man just loves his tool: But girls. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. but it makes it hard to get any real work done. It can be up or down. OK. and then I wish it wouldn't. It's more fun when it's up. A glimpse of wobbly boobs or bums will make it squirm and reach." A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. Once you've started playing with it. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?" "Umm. 6. wearing little. with hair clumps. "Thanks." The man asks. If you're not careful what you do with it. It has its own agenda. scars. Without this super organ. wondering what they'll see. 2. no shag would be complete. but must admit defeat. Don't take it out in public though. "I don't know." Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps. As Bob's standing there. there's no way they can pee! Masturbating is a sin . Bob says. it stays with one. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him. he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. The guy has no arms. taking care of business. and reeks something awful. They sneak a look in toilets. sunning on the beach. that is a new piece of information. I really appreciate it. Lesbians can try their best. 8. "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies. If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures." Bob says. Bob then shakes it. be sure you never chew. Whatever it is doing. "Why on earth did I do that?" It has no conscience and no memory.52 A bumpy train ride sets it off. Is seven inches long enough? It makes them quite distraught. Some people have it. That's just some old wives' tale. Brown. scabs. 'cause it really can relieve. I often check if it has grown . 9. it's hard to stop. rashes. During summer. Left to its own devices. Those who have it would be devastated if it were cut off. sir. OK. some don't. Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. 5. "Uh. Being a kind soul.now when did I last measure? Some men will fret about their size: they give it lots of thought. but I ain't touching it. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant. 4. But if another glances back at them. And better yet. I'll help you.to pee! But what seems most amazing about my one-eyed flute. "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says. But handle it with love and care. it can spread viruses. I'm sure you will agree: To start a whole new life. until one's old and frail. Instead. or you'll be thrown in jail. 7. 3. but what the hell's wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says. it can get you in big trouble. The guy tells Bob. moles. Just suck and fondle. It has some splendid functions." Then the man says. Later you may ask yourself. ever bend! Why E-mail Is Like a Penis 1. And never. and Bob points for him. It has no brain of its own. it uses yours. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do. it knows which juice to shoot.at least some folks believe. puts it back in and zips it up. no matter how good your intentions. it will warp your behavior. sure. "Ah. but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?" "And did you know we milk the . "OK. for it will give great pleasure.

You can catch a fish on a 20-cent night crawler. "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50. that's interesting. When she got to the kitchen she saw her husband and the frog. "I AM GOD" I have heard your prayers and I will answer them BUT . Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing. The woman decided to buy the frog. so on Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up." A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat.00. wouldn't you go mad. The woman went to bed that night relieved knowing she'd never have to give another blow job. looking through cookbooks. "What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?" asked the woman. first you must have sex with me. but only screwing you once a year. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are god and you could command her to have sex with you. too?" A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet. so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God. "Well. The hippie decides this is a great idea. that's bad. Performing with Flaccido Domingo 13. The hippie says that he'd love to know. After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts "Ha." Well. When the bus starts on its way the driver says to the hippie. The husband looks up at her and says. Ha Ha I'm the hippie!!" Then the nun jumps up and shouts "Ha Ha Ha I'm the bus driver!!" Why Fishing is Better Than Sex When you go fishing and you catch something. You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish. her husband was a bit skeptical. Top 15 Euphemisms for Impotence 15." said the clerk. In fishing you lie about the one that got away. you don't have to lie and promise to still be friends after you let it go. At midnight sure enough the nun showed up. In loving you lie about the one you caught.. the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day. she thought his was a heck of a deal. Would you like to see it?" "$50. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the bus at the next stop. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were very expensive. if I can teach this frog to cook. she said. the woman did not particularly enjoy giving head. your ass is outta here. The clerk said. what's the point?" "Lady. She went to the counter and questioned the clerk. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun. sitting at the kitchen table like best buddies. she woke up to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie minimum. She got up to go see what was going on. but all of yours are so expensive". About two in the morning. If you're making love and you catch something.. It gives blow jobs. A few parts shy of an erector set .53 cows twice a day?" "Mr. but. while she was in the middle of praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. "I wanted to buy my husband a pet. "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you". "Well.00?? For a Frog??" asked the woman. Of course. 180 degrees shy of heaven 14. that's good. so. The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. You can catch and release a fish. She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift. and she'd never have to do that again. but said for sure he'd try it out that night. She'd get her husband a gift he'd surely enjoy. Brown. Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither and don't want to know how many other fish you caught. "It's a special frog.

" The mother interrupts her and says. and she is shot 3 times in the abdomen. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed. the strangest thing just happened — I was using the toilet. After giving a full examination.54 12... He struggles again to ask. Mom — I was masturbating and shot the dog!" . Barbie only 'cums' with GI Joe!" A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. a daughter. results. When she arrives and sits down on Santa's lap Santa asks "What do you want for Christmas little girl?". Bouncing the Check of Love 5. A few weeks later. comes to her mother and says. right?" The son says. comes to her mother and says. Not rising to the level of impeachable offense 10. Miraculously.. I'm only here to wash your hands and feet". She is rushed to the hospital. the first child. "Mom. right?" The mother goes on to tell the daughter the story. she is unharmed. "Nurse. the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies. are my testicles black?" Finally. Less-than-Magic Johnson 4." The woman has 3 healthy babies. "You passed a bullet. "I don't know.. "I have good and bad news for you.." he mumbles from behind the mask. back? A pregnant woman is in the bank when the bank is robbed. the doctor tells her. they have hit no vital organs. the second child. holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look. she pulls back the covers. You are going to have triplets — but each baby has a bullet in it. and says "There is nothing wrong with them!" Finally. "But Barbie comes with Ken" Santa says. my. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet. and she assures her daughter that everything is okay. "Nurse.. All Doled up with nowhere to go 3. "Mom. comes to his mother and says." The mother explains everything. The Null Monty 9. a son. A gunfight breaks out. and I passed a bullet. Unleavened Man-Bread A little girl goes to see Santa Clause at the local shopping mall." The mother interrupts him and says. the strangest thing just happened. Ascension Deficit Disorder 6.. "You passed a bullet. the third child. the young nurse replies. "No. Disappointing Miss Daisy 8. the strangest thing just happened. also a daughter. "No. Population: You 2. though. "I want a Barbie and a GI Joe" says the little girl. Luckily. Serving boneless pork 1. Sch-wing and a miss 11. Taking the gold at the Lake Flaccid Olympics 7. "That was very nice but. test. One day. Welcome to Flaccid City. and eventually your children will pass the bullets naturally. are. Several weeks later. Twelve years pass. raises his gown. "Mom.. and she has all but forgotten the incident in the bank.

so she tells him to go to the back yard and measure his dick by sticking it into each of the three holes in the fence.." The boy leaves to go find his friend and brings her to the woods. we will head off at sunrise. gee. * He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser. your dick tastes like shit. The girl again asks him what a penis is." * He tells you that he's never told a lie. When the they return. they do. medium." LAWYER JOKES YOU know you need a Different Lawyer when . I will give you 3 options. "Size? I didn't know they came in sizes. and if it was two inches smaller it would be the perfect penis!" One afternoon a man says to his wife. you. He whips out his penis and says to her. I don't want to go in the morning." she says. "I don't know. as a matter of fact this is the perfect penis." At that time he hears his mum calling him for lunch. "What size?" The man replies. The cashier asks.. "This is a penis. or you give me a blow job or we have anal sex." "Yes.. I don't know. As soon as she starts she stops and says.. He replies: "Yeh. "What is a penis?" The boy replied. me and the dogs are going pig shooting. "To hell with the rubbers. They rise early in the morning and the husband says well. He goes home and eats his lunch. * He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose. The lady is used to this. They get there late at night and the man says. what's it to be. * During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.. The husband is furious and replies. The wife is tired and replies. What happens when you give Viagra to lawyers? They grow taller! ." the man answers. you.55 A man goes into a drug store and asks the cashier for some rubbers. She isn't pleased but decides to give him a blow job. "What size do you want?" "Well. "This is a penis. me and the dog shoot. the lady sneaks around to the other side of the fence and spreads her legs behind each hole as the man tests it. they high-five each other. Then he sees his dad on the couch. While the man is back there." * A prison guard is shaving your head. * You met him in prison. "What will it be? Small. * When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is. * He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger. The little girl asked the boy. He goes up to his dad and ask him. The wife isn't to pleased but realizes it's one or the other. "What is a penis?" The dad whips his out and says to the boy. give me a hundred feet of that fence back there!" There is a little boy and a little girl in the woods. They pack the truck and head off. the cashier asks. the dog didn't want to go either. or large?" The man replies.

so she asked who it was and why he kept calling. and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor. replied Tommy. "My name is Billy. and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!" A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there." replied the second. "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?" The crusty old managing partner finally passed away. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed. and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds. the receptionist who fielded the calls began to realize it was always the same voice. Tommy replied." "Well. back." "Honest?" asked Billy. "Gee.56 Two attorneys were walking out of a bar and a beautiful young lady walks by. The lawyer turns around. "Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. I am. "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well. "Yes. Obviously he saw the trail of slime they left!) One day. they have to do a brain transplant. I would like to fuck her! The other attorney thinks for a second and said "Out of what"? One day. Finally. but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked. What's yours?" asked the first boy." he asked.in fact. just the regular kind". it caught fire. a cop came by. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy." A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers. do you?" A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor. there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car. "No. and then swerve back onto the road. "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well.how come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?" The doctor replies. he's dead. and it's inoperable . it's so large. One attorney turns to his associate and comments "Boy. What are you doing here?" The doctor replied. A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. Father?" "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road. when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there. "how did you start the flood?" Two small boys. "NOOO!" he screamed. I'm a lawyer. "Where are you going. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains . because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it. and I just like to hear you say it." The lawyer looked puzzled. enjoy the load.there's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce. "This is a ripoff ." replied the priest. but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me. "My Daddy's an accountant. but his firm kept receiving calls asking to speak with him. and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. He asked the priest. Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him. and neck. (at this point some of you are probably wondering how the trucker could distinguish the lawyers from the humans. a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce. the river overflowed. satisfying "THUMP". All you care about is your possessions. "HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. "My Daddy's a lawyer. "I'm sorry. The reply: "I used to be one of his junior associates. not yet old enough to be in school. were overheard talking at the zoo one day. . I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. Suddenly. "Tommy. it never would be the same. so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds." was the standard answer. and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line. Finally. The lawyer replied. The outraged lawyer says.

He thought a minute and said. it's so large. they have to do a brain transplant. the receptionist who fielded the calls began to realize it was always the same voice. narrowly missing the lawyer. to her surprise and delight." On a roll. "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?" The crusty old managing partner finally passed away. but his firm kept receiving calls asking to speak with him. "I'm sorry.but what's in it for me?" A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor. completely beaten. and I just like to hear you say it.. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied. she was puzzled: "All I know for sure is that it was a partner . he turned to the priest and said. did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains . he's dead. said simply.000. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him. a disabled veteran." The lawyer interrupts." was the standard answer.. Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything. is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology. you give not a penny to charity. Father! I'll give you a lift. "First. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him.there's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce. "or that my brother. "or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident." "That's okay". "This is a rip-off . "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500. the United Way rep mumbled. "I had no idea." the lawyer's voice rising in indignation. why should I give any to you?" An attractive woman found herself alone in the elevator with a lawyer. When asked by her best friend to identify the new lover. Climb in the truck. "I'm sorry Father. no. The reply: "I used to be one of his junior associates. get down on my knees and give you the best blow job of your life.he made me do all the work. so at the last minute he swerved back away. but was interrupted again. a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce.in fact. the lawyer cut him off once again.. "Um . "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep. The outraged lawyer says. and it's inoperable .57 "No problem. and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed." she purred." . "I got him with the door!" Generous lawyer A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. "So if I don't give any money to them. replied the priest.how come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?" The doctor replies." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.. I almost hit that lawyer. and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce. "I'm sure you could . he still heard a loud "THUD". Finally. "I could push this red button." A new female associate was romantically ambushed in a darkened room at her new firm. so she asked who it was and why he kept calling.

"What did he say?" asked the Ranger. Livingston. he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina. The waiter snorts. saying "I don't even make that kind of money . it's a shame to wake him." Any time a lawyer is seen and not heard. An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor. The specialty of the day is brains ." Replied the governor "Well. a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. asks the waiter why the attorney brains are so costly. finds a cannibal restaurant. Finally. Having lawyers make laws is like having doctors make diseases. a reward was offered for his capture. and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. "You're under arrest. "I should have suspected he wasn't a lawyer. The terrified bandit blurted out. when I was a lawyer. Gringo." . that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina. sautéed architect brains for twenty-five bucks. After a lengthy search. A lawyer's job is secure . "That's what I thought." Children who never come when called will grow up to be doctors. and roasted attorney brains for two hundred bucks. "and I want to take his place. "Judge Garber has just died" said the attorney. and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.58 The plumber presented his customer. and said. what is it?" grumbled the governor. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'" An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight. The lawyer was outraged. To which the judge remarked.who would build a robot to do nothing? There's a true story about a convicted con man who was recently found to be impersonating a lawyer in New York City. put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head. "So. The lawyer answered. a lawyer. Stanley Livingston. in Spanish. Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titanic.doesn't that seem a bit steep?" The plumber replied. Children who come before they are called will grow up to be lawyers. He was always so punctual and polite. insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency. in deepest Africa. "He said 'Get lost. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out!" But the bandit didn't speak English. "Do you know what a job it is to clean those suckers?" A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. its OK with me if its OK with the undertaker.fried doctor brains for twenty bucks. snuck up behind him. perplexed. with a bill charging rates of $500 an hour. Fortunately.

59 Q: You're stranded in a deserted island with Attila the Hun. your honor. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line. "I didn't have the money to pay his fee. God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all." sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice." That's wonderful. "How much do you want it to be?" Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz. and into a comfortable chair by his desk. the jury acquitted him. you be first. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?" A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?" . Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing." It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets. "She's a doctor. A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. Adolf Hitler. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for ?" "Well. Peter replied. "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. To his dismay. How about you. "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse. "I don't mind all this attention. dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice." The lawyer pulls the drapes. Peter." said the teacher. he laughed and said. When Satan heard this. You have a revolver with two bullets. Billy's father said." replied the witness. "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine. so he went and took the car I stole. I'd return the compliment. Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced. go and bury 20 of them." she said. St." "You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background. The lawyer said. Amie?" Amie shyly stood up. but what makes me so special?" St. A housewife. "Well. and after a long trial. What do you do? A: Shoot the lawyer twice! When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet." he said. "If I wasn't under oath. Billy's father answered the door." replied Carlson." The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography." "Why ?" asked the judge. there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said." "Thank you. and a lawyer. "Tim. "I'm actually an attorney. "My father is a mailman. scuffed her feet and said. "Your honor. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. and greeted him warmly. and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!" A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?" The housewife replies: "Four!". Amie. To his surprise. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time. I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients. Then St. "What about your father.

wasn't so lucky. The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack.. correct?" The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies. And we have so much of it. However.60 Santa Claus. Well.. and SHOT THE FEMALE. of course. and says: "In USSR. "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied. and got the local backwoods sheriff. tore into town as fast has he could. while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. and without batting an eye. I've done some charity in my life also. immediately dashed for cover. pointing to the male. the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. the two bears were still there." responded the lawyer. he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. a Cuban.." retorted the stonecutter. Saying that. takes one of them. Peter is listing his sins: 1. He just had to save his friend. along came two huge Bears . "Sorry. which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. "Certainly will. an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty. Sure enough. the other three are mythological creatures. "I said he was in the other!" "Exactly." St. eager to get a freebee off a lawyer.". and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do. After he had made his selection. The friend. And the list goes on for quite awhile. . His friend. On one particular occasion. though. leveled his gun. we have the best cigars of the world: Havana. nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigar and we have so much of them. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer." St. seeing the two bears.." A Russian. the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no. Early one morning. At this time. that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place. that we can just throw it away. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes. but argues. we have the best vodka of the world. but I can't do that. "people will read it and exclaim. took careful aim. I see. nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in the Ukraine. "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell. an American and a Lawyer are in a train. I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer" "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer. the lawyer. One more time. sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings." A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country." Saying that. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy. Overcharging fees to many clients. that we can just throw them away. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says. opens the window. As they went around the berry patch. and throws the Lawyer through it.. "That's Strange!" At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another.a male and a female. to which he retreated for several weeks of the year." replied the sheriff. the lab assistants don't get so attached to them. "In this state. "Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer. it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave.. he throws the pack of Havana's thru the window.. A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. "Yes. All the others are quite impressed. He admits all these things. 3. drinks it. The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. The Cuban takes a pack of Havana's. second. "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?" The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Each summer. Peter looks in his book and says. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. "Wait.Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high. Who gets it? The old drunk. everybody is quite impressed. they had a splendid time in the country . 2. he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle thru it. the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. agreed. "Why did you switch?" "Well. lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful. pours some into a glass. gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities. Well.rising early and living in the great outdoors. for three reasons. However." replied the stonecutter. the tooth fairy..." Yes. the American just stands up. The sheriff looked at the bears.Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case.

was determined to prove wrong the saying." "Then you owe me $8. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. the deceased attorney's wife. the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. "You can't take it with you. The Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. the rear tiger once more licks the ass of the tiger in front. His plan was that when he passed away. I was a little worried about winning that case myself. beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. the old ambulance chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. telling the rancher. . Several weeks after the funeral. "Well. but I put one over on you in there. "Well. Several periods of time later -. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says." she exclaimed." and they continue.it's too plebeian -. Two tigers are stalking through the brush when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check. The scene is a dark jungle in Africa." and they continue." The rear tiger says. "Hey! Cut it out. I couldn't have won the case.61 A lawyer's dog. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation. anyway?" The rear tiger replies." The lawyer. came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash. old man. The startled tiger turns around and says. "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store. "What is it with you. "Oh. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger. the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court.it could be the next day but that would be unrealistic -. "Sorry.50 [attorneys don't carry cash -. "I said stop it!" The rear tiger says. already. up in the attic cleaning. More than a hundred attorneys were taken as hostages." A group of Arab terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Convention.and the butcher hadn't brought the shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office]. that darned old fool. I hate to tell you this. I just ate an attorney and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!" A stingy old attorney. The lawyer did his best selling job. running about unleashed. young feller. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement. "Absolutely. "Sorry. writes the butcher a check for $8." After much thought and consideration. After about another 5 minutes. without a word. "You know." What's the difference between an attorney and a trampoline? You take your boots off to jump on a trampoline. After about another 5 minutes. do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers. I bluffed you!" The old rancher replied. I'll tell you. because that durned bull came home this morning. who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed.50. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed.

"Aren't you going to have one too. While sitting in a deck chair. With his attorneys assistance he detached his artificial limb. some of them said they weren't. Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks." ." the judge replied. What are you doing these days?" "I'm practicing law. Angie took her first vacation on a luxury cruise ship." whispered Angela. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them. he started shouting loudly." replied the attorney. for your nerves?" "Of course I am." The defendant smiled. "Were they all dead?" The old farmer replied. "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!" The attorneys looked at each other. she recognized a former high school classmate. a long-lost friend from her old hometown. laid it on the bench. Being a clever sort." A bus load of attorneys were driving down a country road when all of a sudden the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. A few days later. The doctor took the flask with a shaking hand and belted back a couple of swallows. An attorney was on vacation in a small farming town. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. but both were shaken up. Angela. Going by instinct. but he couldn't get near the car. After years of hard work. As expected a large crowd gathered." The crowd made way for him. a car was involved in an accident. I haven't seen you in years. the attorney was eager to get to the injured." "Well put. While walking through the streets. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the attorneys. The fault was questionable. saw the crashed bus. "But don't tell my mother. She still thinks I'm a prostitute. "Using your logic." A doctor and an attorney in separate vehicles collided on I-95 one foggy night. The old farmer after seeing what happened went over to investigate. He can accompany it or not. "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim. His arm is not himself. and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb. and walked out. as he chooses. "after the Highway Patrol gets here. "Well.62 The terrorist leader announced that. the local sheriff came out. and then asked the old farmer. An attorney defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. unless their demands were met. but you know how them attorneys lie. they would release one attorney every hour. Lying in front of the car was a donkey. and the attorney offered the doctor a drink from a pocket flask. I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. She crossed the deck and shook hands with her friend and said: "Hello. As the attorney started to put the cap back on the flask the doctor asked. shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

. and a bit about the weather. ―They're all at the funeral. slowly: "Paint…my…house. "Honey. son?‖ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. The first guys drops his backpack. one of the passengers stops her and says "Don‘t forget the coffee!" A guy meets a hooker in a bar. The snail says "What the hell was that all about?" A guy dies and is sent to Hell. The third guy says "I‘m lonely. the car won't start. could you fix it?" The husband says. he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later. "What do I look like. She says. the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers.‖ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other. He opens it and sees the same snail." All the passengers hear it. "I just need to outrun you. there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says. He tells them at what altitude they‘ll be flying. and he comes home from work and his wife says.‖ he says. Mr. and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. you know. I think it needs a new battery. The second guys says. "The seat is empty. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says. son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?‖ The boy licked his cone and replied. ―What did I tell you?‖ said the barber. I'm so sorry to hear that. She says. "This is your lucky night. or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. ―Because the day I take the dollar. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. I was supposed to come with my wife. "What do I look like. find a magic lantern containing a genie. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says. What's the difference between an attorney and a herd of buffalo? The attorney charges more. let me see the next room. "Betty Crocker?" Three guys. and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. Wife says: "Nothing. there‘s a knock on the door. well." A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. and advises them to relax and have a good flight. Finally. people are standing with shit up to their noses." A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. The second guy wishes the same. That's terrible. and says. Watch while I prove it to you. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future attorney? She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney. and frantically begins to put them on. when the customer leaves. The guy says "no. A newlywed couple moves into their new house. "What do I look like. and the roof is fixed. who grants them each one wish. "Oh. The wife finds a leak in the roof. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married. noticing that the seat next to him is empty. Then.63 What's the definition of a tragedy? A busload of attorneys crashes off a cliff and one seat is empty." In the second room. "What are you doing? Sneakers won‘t help you outrun that bear. ―Hey. we call him a defense attorney. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up." "Uh. "No" says the neighbor." "This is incredible. shows him doors to three rooms.. I‘ve got a special game for you. Mr. as long as you can say it in three words. So is the plumbing. and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar. So is the car. then calls the boy over and asks. we call him an accomplice. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. "Hey." said the man. I wish my friends were back here. "Honey. digs out a pair of sneakers. what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband." Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. I‘ll do absolutely anything you want for $300. Satan meets him. and it's raining pretty hard. He sits down. "Honey." she says. "No." On a passenger flight." the first guy says. actually. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested." The guy replies. Satan opens the door to the . why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket. Plumber?" A few days go by. people are standing in shit up to their necks. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by. Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home." "Oh. he says to his co-pilot. the seat belongs to me. In the first room. But couldn't you find someone else." "I don't need to outrun the bear. "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob. the game is over!‖ It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final. He asks his wife what happened. stranded on a desert island. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. ―That kid never learns!‖ Later. a friend or relative. but she passed away. I had a handyman come in and fix them. ―This is the dumbest kid in the world. "Well. ―Which do you want. in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking. forgetting to turn off the microphone.. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested." she says. Guy says no again. the expected arrival time.

It's Irv. lots of sex. I see a woman with a tattoo. (Richard Jeni) Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. "He says you‘re gonna die." A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing genie. and I‘m thinking. Have some more sex. Sid doesn't hear from him for about a year." he says. "I pick this room. So Irv dies. and sends him away. More sex. Gator closes mouth." I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. If it works. He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. my god. and sends him upstairs. Sport. Take a nap. On the way out Satan yells. have a big breakfast. "I don‘t know." "No. Go to sleep. then says "No. suck out the poison and spit it on the ground. "but I definitely don‘t want the fuckin‘ French toast. "All dogs go ‗roof‘. Take a knife. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Sid and Irv are business partners. "Maybe she didn‘t see the email. He is losing his patience." he says meekly.. "I'll give it a try. was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" goes the dog.64 third room." After a while. and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. "Peace in the Middle east. Now we've got to piss in the boat. okay." The crowd agrees. and I'll remove my unit unscathed. have a big lunch. She is livid. "This dog can speak English." he says. He says to the other guy. "what‘s on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. cut a little X where the bite is." TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains. a hand goes up in the back of the bar. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. People are standing with shit up to their knees." A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. And the talent scout. then open it." the talent agent responds. As he's taking it off the hook. that's my wish. figures there is no afterlife. "I‘ll go into town for a doctor. in your opinion. a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. come on. He says. The guy says. the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town‘s only doctor. Then I have sex. Do you have another wish?" The guys says 'Well. drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. The gator will close his mouth for one minute. "Here‘s that $20 I owe you. "This one will amaze you. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Says to the patrons. Everyone buys him drinks." the guy says. I get up. "Okay. The mother asks the oldest boy what he‘d like to eat. ‗But here‘s what to do. "Here‘s a deal." "Oh. Huge dinner.. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer. It's a woman." says Irv. everyone buys me drinks." the guys says to the dog." The genie pauses for another moment and then says "How would you define peace?" . "So there is an afterlife! What's it like?" Sid asks. Then one day he gets a call. After a minute. smacks him. He brings it to a talent scout. She asks the middle child what he wants. and wake up the next day." says Sid "So that's what heaven is like?" "Oh no. boots them out of his office onto the street." he claims to the unimpressed agent. hang on. Then I go back sleep. a pretty violent image there." Satan says okay and starts to leave.for my whole life I've never receievd oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish. who is in agony. "I‘ll have some fuckin‘ French toast. "I can‘t leave. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. that's just not possible. wait. "Turn the lake into beer. ‗What did the doctor say?" the victim asks." he says. who is delivering a baby. The gator opens wide." he says. "No.. I guess that leaves more fuckin‘ French toast for me. " He turns and asks the dog: "Who. 'Well." she says.K. "I'm not in heaven. "O. but I get up for lunch. maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. How could she do this to me?" "Well. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try. "Well. and I emailed my wife that I‘d be back a day early. promises to grant him one wish. I'm a bear in Yellowstone Park. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast.. having seen enough. I'm sorry. I don‘t get it. "Oh. coffee break's over. and he removes his genitals unscathed. Some things just can't be changed." the guy says. hits him. He rubs it and a genie comes out." the doctor says." The guy ruins back to his friend." Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. (Jerry Seinfeld) A guy tells his psychiatrist: ‗It was terrible. And the dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?" Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. here‘s a gal who‘s capable of making a decision she‘ll regret in the future. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle." Two Irish guys are fishing. The mother is outraged at his language." says the psychiatrist. I think if you've got a Tshirt with a bloodstain all over it.. "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle. "So what do you think?" The other guy says. I was away on business. Everyone back on your heads!" A guy has a talking dog." the other says. I sleep very late." The genie looks concerned. "You jerk.

down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. our family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. and pushed him off. we had an enormous feast. "Reformed Baptist Church of God. sitting on a newspaper. "Saul." He asks why." I was walking across a bridge one day." I tell him I want a second opinion. take the $3 million to Las Vegas. St." the voice commands. take another card. "That‘s not surprising. go to Las Vegas." he says. (Ellen Degeneres) I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. He has twenty. sells his store. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. the frog croaks and drops the ball. It‘s in the hole. and then I killed them and took their land. "You‘ve done nothing but complain since you got here. (David Brenner) I went to the psychiatrist. turned the page. reformation of 1915?" He said." He hesitates but knows he must." the elders say. and I saw a man standing on the edge. It reaches the green. are you religious?" He said yes.Saul says. I made a bet I can get more than two words out of you. and said "Mr." He ignores it. After the first seven years." Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. he relents. Seven more years pass. "Saul . the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Saul." "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" "Baptist" "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" "Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God. and he says "You're crazy." They nod and send him away. grabs the frog. One billion. and a guy comes over and asks "Are you reading that?" I didn‘t know what to say. He says. Nineteen. I have twenty! Saul shouts. Hit me." After weeks of this. goes to a casino. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. there are still a thousand others exactly like you. "Cold floors. They nod and send him away. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?" I have a large seashell collection. or why they‘re dead. "Well. you're ugly too!" (Rodney Dangerfield) They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming. "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" "Christian. exasperated. He gets another ace. I stood up. or Reformed Baptist Church of God." So one day while I was watching my health. Like the night before that last earthquake hit. The booming voice goes: "unfucking-believable!" A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he‘s allowed to say two words every seven years. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. "Don't watch your money. "I quit. there's so much to live for!" "Like what?" "Well. It was my grandfather. The voice says ‗Saul. sell your business for $3 million. They bring him in for his two words. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna fuck around?" Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul. and sat down again. Voice says. famed for his silence. "Saul. He‘s dealt an 18. or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God.. As the eagle flies over the green. (Emo Philips) China has a population of a billion people. (Jackie Mason) I can‘t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul. That means even if you‘re a one in a million kind of guy. onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter. Saul gets an ace. (Bob Hope/Gene Perret) A guy shows up late for work. reformation of 1915!" I said. An eagle swoops down. He clears his throats and says. a woman approached Calvin Coolidge. or how you met. reformation of 1879. Seven more years pass. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house. (Jon Stewart) ."Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him." He replied: "You lose. (A. Bounces off a truck. "Bad food. President. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. I said. take a card. sell your business. someone stole my money. So I said yes. go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand. heretic scum"." He obeys.65 My grandfather always said. watch your health. He breathes easy." he says. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. about to jump off. Twenty one. It goes on for days. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. "Okay. It‘s another ace. "Saul. having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. "Die. (Laura Kightlinger) At a White House party. Saint Peter looks at Jesus.." What? The dealer has -." "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant ? "Protestant. but it‘s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses. Jesus is up next. which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. take another card. (Steven Wright) Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot. Whitney Brown) I was on the subway.

(Redd Foxx) I failed my driver‘s test." the lawyer replies. "Father O‘Malley. and also. then. her 19 year old sister.. and I kissed it. (Dick Gregory) I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I put down my knife and fork. "I think you‘ve come to the wrong place. "I charge $50 for three questions. "Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. (Henny Youngman) I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don‘t want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff. we‘re gonna do to you. act like they just woke up and go. She could hardly walk after that. you are drunk. (Bill Dwyer) A father is explaining ethics to his son. ma‘am" and yells back. They said "Can I help you?" and he said "No. "Now what‘s your final question?" An old woman is upset at her husband‘s funeral." Churchill replies." So I opened up the box. "please God. I'm just looking. (Brian Kiley) I know a guy who called up the Home Shopping Network. I was in a restaurant and ordered some chicken. The guy asked me "what do you do at a red light?" I said.66 A lady at a party goes up to Winston Churchill and tells him. and I picked up that chicken. you know the ones I mean. "Do you have any firearms with you?" I said: "What do you need?" (Steven Wright) Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery." (Ronnie Shakes) I was so ugly when I was born. "You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit" The mortician says "We‘ll take care of it. I said. We engage in all manner of pleasure." (George Miller) I feel sorry for people who don‘t drink or do drugs. "Sir. In the morning. "No hablo ingles. "Yes. Anything you do to that chicken. I‘m currently involved with a 28 year old girl. who is about to go into business.so now it's just a waiting game. we‘re givin‘ you fair warnin‘. save my only grandson. (Rodney Dangerfield) A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea." My sister was with two men in one night. when a stick-up man pulls out a gun and says "Your money or your life!" An extremely long silence follows.. the guy was locking the front door. bring him back.." says the priest. Kluck and Klan. and they won‘t know why. Klu. "Hey. and these three cousins. When I got there." "My good man." And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach. the sign says you're open 24 hours. when somebody comes up. I don‘t know… look around. But as she goes out the door you realize she‘s given you two $100 bills. Finally Benny says "I‘m thinking!" After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. I shall be sober. She pays you with a $100 bill. "Madam. "What was that?!" (Jack Handey) A guy asks a lawyer what his fee is. and sure enough. isn‘t it?" the guy asks. "Ed. Now. She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!" (Myron Cohen) A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. you are ugly. "That‘s awfully steep. here‘s where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?" (Henny Youngman) I was coming back from Canada. Because someday they‘re going to be in a hospital bed. Believe it or not. switch the heads on two and four!" . and in my entire life I‘ve never felt better. and you give it to her. You wrap it up." he says. on the side. Why are you telling me?" And the guy goes: "I‘m telling everybody!" Jack Benny is walking down the street. and the guy asked. I beg of you. He said. She pleads." the lawyer says. I‘m seventy eight years old. "my name is Emil Cohen. Can you imagine? Two dinners! (Sarah Silverman) My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -. come up and say "Boy. driving through Customs." He goes: "Not in a row!" (Steven Wright) Last time I was down South. the doctor slapped my mother. "Your money or your life!" the thug repeats. listen to the radio… (Bill Braudis) I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out. dying. good as new.

67 The only thing I know about Africa is that it's far. A genie came out and said. "Well. What a tough break." he says. far away. pulls over. About a thirty-five hour flight. but three good leads. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.and I think this is where I went wrong. son. "I promised not to tell!" he says. my brother's crazy. They‘ve already dialed 9-1. They moved to England. he thinks he's a chicken. and I said I wouldn't tell. it doesn‘t make it right. goes up for parole every year. nearly causing an accident. (Steven Wright) When I went to college. there are still slaves on their way here. Ten million dollars. I‘d fight him. He's getting old. "No. But just because I said it. my parents threw a going away party for me." He said. "No. "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said. "That means somebody is talking about it. I hate myself now. Sirhan Sirhan. One snowman turns to the other and says. the baker's daughter?" "No. Then he said.'" I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for member.and are just waiting for me to do something wrong. But we need the eggs.. It was wrong. it was so cold. Is that clear?" His son looks at him and says: "Too late. "How did you get such a huge orange head?" The guy says. "Your father just said a bad word. You know." The doctor says. "Douchebag!" the father yells. I'd like a huge orange head. lock their car doors. whatever you desire.. The doctor says. according to the letter. I'll grant you three wishes. Once he even told the parole board that if Kennedy was alive today." "Was it Mary Elizabeth. (Paula Poundstone) I knew these Siamese twins. I said. "Well. If you can fake that." (Garry Shandling) If this is coffee. Then the genie said." says the boy. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on. The boat ride's so long. "Why don't you turn him in?" The guy says. (Steven Wright) There‘s always one of my uncles who watches a boxing match with me and says "Sure. please bring me some tea. If I look up into the windows of the apartments I pass I can see old ladies on the phone.' The genie went Poof!'.' The genie went Poof!'. 'Well. the boy's friends ask what happened." The guy who shot Robert Kennedy. and he shot him. please bring me some coffee. (Chris Rock) I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. someone I could enjoy this money with. so the other one could drive." he says. and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can't be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is. all the money I could ever spend. and there she was. If this is tea.." Outside.what is your first wish?' I said. and there it was. (Emo Philips) I was making love to this girl and she started crying. (Chris Rock) Two snowmen are standing in a meadow. and turns to face his son. one day I was walking down the beach when I tripped over an old lantern. (George Burns) A man is driving his five year old to a friend‘s house when another car races in front and cuts them off. you know? The one guy who would have supported him. the printer's daughter?" "No. That's a good thing. (Groucho Marx) A man goes to a psychiatrist and says." As if someone is going to pay $200 a ticket to see a 57-year-old carpet salesman get hit in the face once and cry.I said. the butcher's daughter?" the preist asks. and I still won't tell!" 'Was it Mary Francis.. "Doc. "I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months. a gorgeous girl who immediately loved me. "Was it Mary Patricia. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion." says the priest. for that kind of money.. "Do you smell carrots?" A guy with a huge orange head goes in to see a doctor. "I got six months. and I don‘t ever want to hear you saying it. "I was angry at that driver. douchebag. (Larry Miller) I was born a suspect. the flashers in New York were only describing themselves. (Johnny Carson) I went to my doctor and told him "my penis is burning." (Rodney Dangerfield) A Catholic teenager goes to confession. (Abraham Lincoln) Mario Andretti has retired from race car driving. (Jon Stewart) . "We would. he would speak in his favor and say let him go. I'd like a beautiful woman to love me." Sincerity is everything.. you‘ve got it made. but that was no excuse for what I said. I'd like all the money I could ever spend." Last night. What is your second wish?' I said. And what is your third wish?'. hold onto their Mace. I can walk down any street in America and women will clutch their purses tighter.

" and shouts "DEATH. "You can‘t fire me. He needs to read lips. The paramedic rushes over and says. The chief says to them. death or ugga bugga. When the big moment comes. UGGA BUGGA! Three comedians are shooting the breeze at the back of a nightclub after a late gig. they'd say "Thank you. Kevorkian is onto something." the lawyer argues. and they howl. On my metaphysics final." A guy has a parrot that can sing and speak beautifully." The first guy says. the parrot is silent. The guy is outraged. it‘s the third comic‘s turn." (Rita Rudner) A comedian is sitting at the bar of a comedy club late one night when a beautiuful woman comes up to him and says "I saw you perform tonight. I don‘t mind him reading lips. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me. "Are you comfortable?" The guy says: "I make a good living. "Did you see the first show or the second show?" A car hits a Jewish man. Crickets. and in the middle of dinner he turned to me and said "Is it hot in here. but he uses one of those yellow highlighters. (Dennis Miller) Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check. (Steven Wright) Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson. ""Number 53!" says the second guy." The other day I paid my check – the waiter said. (Woody Allen) If I ever have twins. I‘m only fifty five. I'd use one for parts. But they won‘t pick you up at the airport. I guess ugga bugga. I want to take you home and give you the hottest night of sex you‘re ever had. and the others break up." (Henny Youngman) My grandfather is hard of hearing. you‘re eighty two. "You have a choice – death. or am I crazy?" (Gilbert Gottfried) . which I also keep handy. "I‘m too young to die. "But the way you tell it…" I want to have children.C. now.68 A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven." they answer. There are guys in Alabama who are their own father. "44!" he quips." That graduated into "Have a nice day." (Bill Maher) Two ministers doing missionary work in the South Seas are captured by a tribe and tied to stakes. but my friends scare me. The chief then asks the second minister. (Brian Kiley) We had a depression fair in the back yard. "What?" he asks. "Very well. so I suppose it must be death. my religion does not allow me to choose ugga bugga. Fields) I believe Dr. I quit. He gets nothing." The chief shouts "UGGA BUGGA!" and 30 members of the tribe attack and sodomize the first missionary. I think he‘s great." He says "well. (Bobcat Goldthwait) I was thrown out of NYU. Finally." "How‘s you get that?" the lawyer asks." The comedian looks at her and says. they caught me cheating. Peter: "We added up your time sheets. One of my friends told me she was in labor for thirty six hours. "Now you have a choice. "Don‘t put off that mammogram. "Number 37!" cracks the first comic." "Fifty five?" says Saint Peter. "Well. "Isn‘t 44 funny?" "Sure." The chief says. (George Wallace) I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake. and you‘re the funniest guy I‘ve ever seen. I don‘t even want to do anything that feels good for thirty-six hours. He takes it to the synagogue on Rosh Hashonah and makes a wager that the bird can conduct the High Holiday service better than the temple‘s cantor. Because suicide is our way of saying to God. they‘ve reached the point where they don‘t need to say the jokes anymore to amuse each other – they just need to refer to each joke by a number. though. or ugga bugga. He takes the bird home and is about to kill it when the bird finally speaks: "Schmuck! Think of the odds we‘ll get on Yom Kippur!" At the airport they asked me if anybody I didn‘t know gave me anything. Even the people I know don‘t give me anything. according to out calculations. (David Letterman) I worked some gigs in the Deep South…Alabama…You talk about Darwin‘s waiting room. "There must be some mistake. it‘s usually hilarious. (W." That‘s now escalated into "You care care of yourself. (Rita Rudner) New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move. Answers St. "No. But first. (Richard Lewis) Animals may be our friends. A major game there was Pin the Blame on the Donkey. They‘ve heard one another‘s material so much.

"OK!" said Florence.69 Last year. "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" Paul's friend replied.how about you?" The first actor says. He grabbed his friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him.and when he shows up. One complains. "I'm in the secret service. (Bill Maher) Two old ladies are in a restaurant. just trampling and eating everything they see. I haven't had a job in forty years!" The other says. baseball is concerned with ups. The tax man said." Pastor questioned. You can't outrun that bear!' The first man said. in baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody. and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. they tell him there'll be a ten-minute wait. "But I'm going to be absent." (Woody Allen) Contrary to what most people would say. It‘s a shark riding on an elephant‘s back.A. I only have to outrun you! "What shall we play today?" said Florence to her best friend Jenny. 'I know I can't outrun the bear. "Let's play schools. the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. the food here is just terrible. (Dennis Miller) In football you wear a helmet. They turned around and saw a big black bear coming towards them. In football the specialist comes in to kick. "I'm already in the Army of the Lord. there's a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson -. One says: "How long has it been since you had a job?" The other actor says "Thirty two years -. is so celebrity-conscious. In football you receive a penalty." Two friends were walking through the woods when they thought they heard something. "One of these days we've got to get out of this business!" I had a cab driver in Paris. Football is concerned with downs. The second man said 'You don't have time to change shoes. "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back. "That's nothing." The other shakes her head and adds." A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married? . in baseball you make an error. (George Carlin) Take my wife…please (Henny Youngman) Jokes for your friends Paul and his best friend were coming out of church one day. "You know. I deducted 10. "And such small portions." said Jenny. (Jack Handey) Two old actors are sitting on a bench. The man smelled like a guy eating cheese while getting a permanent inside the septic tank of a slaughterhouse.697 cartons of cigarettes as a business expense. "Don‘t ever let us catch you without a cigarette in your hand." (Dick Gregory) L. Both men started to run when one of them stopped to change into tennis shoes. in baseball you wear a cap. Pastor.

" "Oh. John woke up his friend.." "I am" replies the balloonist." The man below says "You must be a manager. look up at the sky and tell me what you see. I guess she was the one perfect girl.. "everything you have told me is technically correct. "Jack. when he spots his friend Shankar standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. "How did you know. there was one girl . but now it is somehow my fault. The only perfect girl I really ever met.70 Replied the gentleman.. and you expect me to solve your problem. He reduces height and spots a man down below." "Yes." The man below says: "Yes. and the fact is I am still lost. I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl. doing nothing. says the man. "you don't know where you are. After roaming all day long under the hot sun. walks all the way out to Shankar and asks him. they set up their tent and fell asleep." he said. hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. "but how did you know?" "Well". longitude. Pritam gets out of the car. You are in a hot air balloon. Some hours later. She was just the right everything . You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep." "How?" asks Pritam. what are you doing?" Shankar replies. "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met." "You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.." said the friend. come on now. or where you are going. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me. but I have no idea what to make of your information." "Well" says the balloonist." . He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that Shankar is just standing there. looking at nothing. why didn't you marry her. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. "Well I heard they give the Noble Prize to people who are out standing in their field. puzzled. I guess I just never met the right woman . can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago." asked the friend. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me. "I am" replies the man. and between 58 and 60 degrees W. once. "She was looking for the perfect man." "Well. latitude." Two adventurers John and Jack were hunting for gold in the desert. A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. "Surely you have met at least on girl that you wanted to marry. "Excuse me. "Well. but I don't know where I am." Pritam is driving down the Delhi-Amritsar highway.

He replied. What does it tell you?" After a moment of silence. Time wise. Jenny and Jinny were thinking what to play during the afternoon. Tom always filled two glasses with rum and water and sipped from each alternately! When somebody asked him why he did so. the other for myself. "It tells two things to me. Jack thought for a minute and said. it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. They were inseparable friends and spent their evenings drinking together. they went to different states and settled.one on behalf of Timothy. Theologically. he explained: 'This glass is Timothy's. "Let's play schools". "Astronomically speaking. 'You see. However. they could not decide upon any game. After retirement. they kept correspondence through letters and e-mails.. So I take a sip from each . So I have put away my glass and drink only on behalf of my friend. To keep the memory of their boozing bouts alive. money. She turned to Jinny and said excitedly. For a long time. "Why do you say so?" he said. it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.71 Jack looked up and replied." Tom and Timothy were in the same regiment in the army. John spoke.' Suddenly one evening Tom was seen with only one glass on his table. Suddenly. He was asked what had happened. I have given up drinking but Timothy has written that he has not." Jack looked at John. it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. "Because it has still not occurred to you that someone has stolen our tent. it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. First is that. it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Jenny had an idea. Astrologically. "I can see millions of stars. this one is mine. "OK!" said Jinny.' Money. Meteorologically.." "What does that tell you?" asked John.you are an idiot." replied John. Two friends. money It can buy a House But not a Home It can buy a Bed But not Sleep It can buy a Clock But not Time It can buy you a Book But not Knowledge It can buy you a Position But not Respect It can buy you Medicine . "But I'm going to be absent. surprised.

The minister climbed into the pulpit and said." says the other guy. the friend persisted." the friend asked. "this special golf ball floats. when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.. when the minister went to visit his friend. The other guy replied that no." Well. A more true Friend you will never find:-) Espirit de spirit The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then. You see. "Okay." he replied. One year. waiting to see the minister's embarrassment. the minister hurriedly agreed and left. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas." "Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?" The other guy replied. I would very much like to thank my friend. "Before we begin. Money isn't everything. "That's okay too. but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday. the friend asks. his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face. Let's say our game goes late. I'll be able to see it in the dark." . he only needed the one.. and as your Friend I want totake away your pain and suffering. "This is a very special golf ball. In his haste to get the bottle. I have an announcement. this special golf ball has a homing beacon. he asked." Exasperated.72 But not Health It can buy you Blood But not Life So you see. and you hit your ball into a sand trap. That morning. I tell you all this because I am your Friend. Joe. And it often causes pain and suffering.. this ball is fluorescent. "What happens if you lose that ball?" The other guy replied. "Don't you have at least one other golf ball?". he was not disappointed. So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. So send me all your money and I will suffer for you. I'll be able to retrieve it. hoping for his usual Christmas present. for his kind gift of peaches . "you see. I'll be able to get it back -.. the sun goes down. but his passion was for peach brandy. "Are you sure?". I won't lose it so I don't need another one. "what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?" "That's okay. and for the spirit in which they were given!" Forward these jokes to your friend now! Click here! Golf ball Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off.no problem. What are you going to do then?" "No problem.

"I'm already in the Army of the Lord. 13. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. and bound in one of those irritating see-through plastic folders. "I found it. 8. trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall. 10. and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. roll the words across your tongue. Read over the assignment again. 6. comfortable chair in a clean. and the world at large. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future. 19.73 Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball. double-spaced. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either. "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" My friend replied. 12. 21. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious. 4. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he's started writing yet. "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back. "I'm in the secret service. Listen to the other side. 20. is truly worthwhile. 2. Sit in a straight. You know. . You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. When you get back to your room. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26. 15. 14. savor its special flavor. Preston of the Yukon. sit in a straight. Ask who everyone is." Do your homework . to make certain you understand it. Sit in a straight. The Pastor said to him. Pastor. 9. 3. 5. Stop off at another floor. typed. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.I mean it! As soon as it's over you are going to start that paper. the university. drop him. If your friend shows you his paper. Discuss the finer points of the plot. well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. comfortable chair in a clean. comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 7. well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours. "Hey." Pastor questioned. 11. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that's it-. the friend asks. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher. the course. you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror. 17. 18. on the way back and visit with your friend from class.step by step 1. where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?" The other guy replies. you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. 16. Read over the assignment carefully." Lord's Army A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day.

comfortable chair in a clean. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise. Lie face down on the floor and scream at the top of your lungs. 24. 23. well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 27. just for the heck of it. . 26. 28. Leap up and write the paper. Read over the assignment one more time.74 22. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write the paper. Type the paper. 25. Sit in a straight.