ONE Facta Non Verba, Effigy, Adam, Necrosis, Mandy Amorina, The Old Cottage, Malak al-Maut, August 8th, £3,375, Cr▲▼e. TWO L'elisir d'amore, Treulich geführt, Letter To Psymon, Amphetamine, Deuteronomy 24:5, Green Fairy, Pen Pal, XXV, Sextape, Dopeman, Full Moon, Trinity, Cocaineandchampagne. Three Lamborghini Club, Black Tie, Blue blood, Voodoo, Face/Off, Sightseeing, Re-fill, 11:11, Blurzeday, TwentyFifth, The Shrine, Happy Belated, Lipstick. four Room 16, Missed call, Kopi Luwak, Időkerék, Red Carpet Dreams, Megatron, Lust Issues, Aphrodite, Black Balloon, Capital Punishment, Christian Louboutin, Gran Torino, LDN. five Letter To Psymon II, la Manche, Red pill/blue pill, Voir les anges, Night and Day, Lacey Duvalle, Zombie, Anoesis, Augury, Fritz Perls, Sunshine state, Cafe mocha, Black cab. six Bénie, Sui caedere, Moonchild, Superwoman, Travis Barker, Mutatio, Dystopia, Betty Eadie, Joie de vivre, The Story, Limelight. bonus Side A - Chinese whispers Side B – Anniversary Last Word - Mum
Drop Everything And Read - Goodbye, Landed, Overdue, Burn, Breakdown, Holidays.


Facta Non Verba
Saw my mum struggle. I told her I'm going to give you better. She said, she just wants me to live good No amount of money matters to her. If my heart isn't good or my hand's aren't clean Those words always rung in my ears. Up until 18 i used to pick and choose. Easier to listen to reason when your hands are tied. Future lies in the balance, praying I don't tip the scale. Lady justice holding my life, please be gentle with it. Blindfolded, do this without fear or favour. Phone home when i can, just incase those are my last words. Hand on heart, be honest as day is long. Loyalty's always been my strong point. These words are just the tip of the iceberg. Family is family, what could ever be more. Like father, like son and child is the father of the man. People say that we look a like yet he was never there. So when when my time comes, will I leave mine the same? God forbid, I'm just trying to be everything that he never was I hate that fact i remember him, so why would i be him. Ugly thoughts of never being like man who replaced him. I'm a better person, imagine if he had never walked in. Would i be dead or be in prison, closed possibilities. Said i wanted five kids, now i pray they all have the same mother. Marriages are made in heaven, what good, when we live in hell. Men make houses, women make homes. An honest woman always makes an honest man. So why they love the puzzle is another one of life's great mysteries. I done some things before but that's all out of my system. Ever tried to go forward yet got pulled in two directions. What happened to being on the side of angels. Things could be worse but there for the grace of God. They always ask about the things you're chasing. When you fall back on all the things you know. It's funny how you can become a believer overnight. All we do is contend with all the problems. It's easier to think when you've put them in someone else's hands. If not prayer then vices help breathe a sigh of relief. Work, work, money, money, is this what we've become. Life revolving around gaining materialistic items. They tell us it's the taking part that counts. Then throw us in the lions den. Get rich or die a failure. Going in a free mind coming out a slave to the system. I stay true to me and they say that I'm different. Getting blackballed before i can pot the black ball. Kill the goose that lays the golden eggs. 4

Sitting here with a few grey ones. Drown my own sorrows. Suffocating in a blanket of smoke. The man who made it all happen. Ringing my phone, it's been a fortnight. His words, straighten up and fly right. You can say what if, 'til your face is blue. Teach the world a memorable lesson. It is never too late to learn. Re-lit that fire in my belly Saw my cousin other-day. Said he can't wait to see me on the silver screen. How he's seen me from young boy to a grown man. Told him i got a long way to go but wait and see. Remember when i was told that my future lies overseas. How can i leave before I've built my own home. Half the world knows not how the other half lives. Giving up, half done and failure sleep in the same bed. It's six of one, half a dozen of another. I told her i want to take over the world with her by my side. She said 100%, There is a tide in the affairs of men. Late night talks, discussing the Illuminati. Just looking for that enlightenment. Carry a secret right to the grave. What I have in my heart I'll take too. I just want a daughter that can speak french. A son who wants to be director and writer. Make my old woman comfortable till her last days. A few cars because I'm in love with the sound of gravel. Looking out the window i know i can make it happen. Driving past the speed limit down these country lanes. I don't know what's at the next turn so i keep the passenger seat empty. One man's ways may be as good as another's, but we all like our own best. Words like these got me thinking about marrying a woman like Jane Austen. You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you. One line for Ray Bradbury, another reason not be sober. Passed a lot of the guys i used to look up, to. They ask how i became the man they used to. To be honest on the come up they lost a lot. What good is a pot of gold when you've gained it all. What's money to knowledge, i learnt that from experience. Still judge us on what our talent can bring. If we got nothing they see us as less. How smart is a smart man with no money. Fools with no ambition are the biggest critics You can't argue with a fools logic. Its easy to lose it all while you keep it all. If i can't do what i said I'd do. Then what's my word really worth. Bumping into faces I forgot. 5

Never thought I'd see you here. Is all i seem to hear. All this talk of bentleys and benz's Guys making noise about these things. So, I ask them where they park at. I hear it all, where you live at. Are the same girls you talk about. The same girls you sleep with. Lying, deceit, falsehood and dishonesty. You want to talk down my integrity and honesty? Good luck to everyone who is against me. Not a bad word to say if i see you at the top. I actually hope you make it happen, if you fail, you fail. I will gain my reward in seeing you chase your words. I hope you have enough time to earn a pure heart. I lost my way a bit so i've had a head start. I'm sorry for upsetting the apple cart. I mean it was never meant to go this way. You saw me fall, how come i never stayed down. Humble truths, everything is different now. How many lessons from this difficult year. If you don't make mistakes, you don't make anything. Those words i can put on everything. "What am I in the eyes of most people — a nonentity, an eccentric, or an unpleasant person — somebody who has no position in society and will never have; in short, the lowest of the low. All right, then — even if that were absolutely true, then I should one day like to show by my work what such an eccentric, such a nobody, has in his heart. That is my ambition, based less on resentment than on love in spite of everything, based more on a feeling of serenity than on passion. Though I am often in the depths of misery, there is still calmness, pure harmony and music inside me. I see paintings or drawings in the poorest cottages, in the dirtiest corners. And my mind is driven towards these things with an irresistible momentum." — Vincent van Gogh

First of my kind. Lucifer fell for me. He was right. Everyone trying to be God now. The tragedy of man. Die for what you believe in. No one dying for me. Since everyone read my thoughts She don’t want them anymore. One bite of the apple. My pride, stuck in my throat. Standing on this pedestal. Idolized by the hollow. 1st and 2nd commandment down the drain. 6

All thanks to self-fulfilling prophecy. Creature comforts. Animals in packs. That’s why religion is so satisfying. If we ain’t praying. We following the lone ranger. He has the answer. Contrary to belief. He’s just trying to find himself. Now everyone is lost. Forrest ran, I write. But home seems so far away. So I’ll keep on going. Prominence brings power. I ate from the wrong tree. Genesis just a sore reminder. Switch up, fix up. Say some positive shit. How can i do that. Want me to sugar coat it? Easier to swallow. Role models straight off. A production line. All i ask for is.. Freedom and good health. Assassination is pending. So i don’t have anything to say. Shooting the messenger. Bigger audience, bigger mistranslation. Everyone fight for the same thing. Interpretation ever so strong. Extraneous and unnecessary. Hear me loud and clear. Gift and curse. 14, teachers said I’ll never be anything. Tell a kid this and he believes. So spent my time burning bridges. 15, Seeing my favourite artist on cribs. Dvd collection with Scarface in it. So, who gone swim with the fishes. 16, Girls looking better now. What impresses them. Money over bitches. 17, Crime pays well. Until you get caught. Damn, those blankets itched. I’ve been at the bottom. On everything i love. Never will i see that again. Everything in my youth. 7

So bank on me now. Die tomorrow. So i can be a collectors item. What sacrifice would you make? So my bloodline can live on. Would you provide your life for ‘em. Or too selfish and in love with life. Seen it all before. I’m sure it’s more beautiful. I’m confused. The future doesn't seem like a priority. Tomorrows never promised. I can’t be strung up on it. What if it never comes? I spent all that time wasting. Thoughts and energy. Today is today. Tomorrow is whatever comes. You can keep skipping dates. Tomorrow becomes the day after. Until you’re in your grave. I’m so young thinking old. It’s all backwards. I’m just doing this.. I’m just doing this for… I’m just..I’m just.

You're the first person i see when i wake. Sometimes It's just a bit too strong. So i face down and get on with it. I'm dead in the water. Watching it run. I'm not moving. I know you could help. I'm too proud to ask for a hand. What i done hurt you so bad. The water is under the bridge. That ship sailed away. You're on the boat. To a far and new land. I'm not part of those plans. Feeling so stagnant. How will i move on. I rinse my mouth out. For the things i said to you. Seeing our dirty laundry hanging out. Nothing i can say will ever wash. 8

Both our hands are stained. It's been a while but the loves not dry. Watching the wall, It's still wet. I've taken so many cold showers. That's all i can think of. Nothing has come close. Yet you're so far away. If i could, I'd take your damaged one. Give you my empty one. I could try fix what i broke. While you fill what you left. You took an early bath. It was too soon. We had so much to do. So many places to go. Now we're poles apart. The writings is on the wall. I can't see through the steamed glass. Sometimes I forget and try talk to you. Everything we was is down the toilet. I can't bring my self to flush it down. I don't know if you've done the same. I'm going to be honest with you. Say everything I need to. There's a lot of things you don't know. I think it's time you found out. I've been avoiding your gaze. Now it's time to face up. Time to come clean. Say it all to you. I'm ready. To start this journey. I'm going places, going far. It isn't you in the passenger seat. Theres no looking back now. Got to keep my eyes ahead. Trying to drive you out my mind. I'll end up driving myself up the wall. I'm off to the races but you ain't around. Doing this for all the wrong reasons. I'm way over the limit. If they stop me, I'll give them my only reason. I was doing for that love of mine. It's a race against time. To win them back. I don't want to be too late. Never thought I'd see the finish line. I've been leading from the front. You're in the opposite direction. 9

I can't even make you out. I'm living in the past. On my way to the future. One call and I'd turn around. Let them all see me. Going down the wrong way. I'm tired of the fast lane I just want to be home with you. You're past caring but not feeling. So if you can hear me just pick the phone. Tell me where you are and I'll pick you up. I'm in the middle of nowhere. Why can't i find you. I've looked everywhere. Except where you are. You always drove a hard bargain. So I'm not driving safely anymore. I'm just trying to get you. Negotiate and end forever. So we can live on. I don't think the brakes work. I'm on a crash course. This is the only way I'll learn. I'm going to be honest with you. Say everything I need to. There's a lot of things you don't know. I think it's time you found out. I've been avoiding your gaze. Now it's time to face up. Time to come clean. Say it all to you. I'm ready. To walk this red carpet. The lights have always blinded me. I see you in everything you can't see. Calling her with our last name. That's not the way we dreamed it. I don't say much about you. These interviewers ask too much. I don't want my famous last words. To not be to you, so I'll say nothing at all. You told to me to aim for the stars. Now I'm shaking hands with them. It was written in the stars. I just didn't read it. I'm still wishing on one. Hoping that you'll fall down. Land at my feet, That'll be one come true. They rolled out the red carpet. 10

It don't feel the same. I don't feel important. Without you by my side. I spent yesterday popping corks. It was our anniversary. The day i said I'd pop the question. The party was over before it begun. Now I'm just in the face of cameras. I'm standing out of focus. All the attention seems to be me. They all want perfect memories. I just can't get you out of mine. A picture is worth a thousand words. Since you've been out of mine. I've been lost for anything to say. I'm just painting something bleak. I got a blank canvas, I'm saving for you. We was close as two coats of paint. Now we got the world between us. Tell me what i got to do right. To see us good again. Stuck in a cold snap. I just want be in the warm again. I'm going to be honest with you. Say everything I need to. There's a lot of things you don't know. I think it's time you found out. I've been avoiding your gaze. Now it's time to face up. Time to come clean. Say it all to you. I'm ready. To get into bed and you to be the last thing i see. You're not going to bed with me I'm not going to sleep on your side. Your favourite perfume so it feels familiar. I drunk too much so forgive if i drunk dial. I will say things i didn't mean too. You think I've replaced you. They never see the light. Hanging up yesterdays suit. You suited me, straight down the ground. I'm having flashbacks of you in your birthday dress. Watching you strip down. Drunk it down in pints. One candle lit the dark. I spoiled the surprise. The shock on my face. Made it all worth it. 11

For you, the best night of my life. For me, one i can never forget. Sometimes i still hear your voice. It rings out in the room. I miss waking up. To slide my arm under. I sit at your make up table. Looking at all the things you used to use. I hated them even though they made you feel beautiful. All i want to do is make up for lost time. Lift you right up then hold you down. The way you held us together. Through the toughest times. I've not said those words. Since i last saw you. I walk around the room. Hoping to find something new. I keep finding old things you left. Then it all comes flooding back. Now it's me against the past. Working through the night. Is not the same with out you making noise. Snoring as i wrote up our future. Now i get lost in my own translation. Sometimes it's you, sometimes it's that. I don't know which one, i want the most. What's success without some one to share it with. You both went hand in hand. Now that's broken. I just want lay on my pillow. Talk to you one more time. Who will hear my dream in the morning. Whose breakfast will i make the day after they make mine. When i wake who do i want to see getting ready for our back up plan. I'm going to be honest with you. Say everything I need to. There's a lot of things you don't know. I think it's time you found out. I've been avoiding your gaze. Now it's time to face up. Time to come clean. Say it all to you. No ones talking back. I'm staring at my own reflection. I spend all day talking to mirrors. I'm trying to sum up the strength to say this all to you. I wish i was looking through rose-coloured glass. I'm able to fog a mirror but i don't feel alive. I look in and it just reflects back all my thoughts. I don't even mirror your dreams anymore. 12

When i wake i can't even bear to look I don't even see us anymore, I don't even see me. The truth that comes back is too much to handle. These mirrors are more useful to a blind man. Than they are to me. I gaze in them every now and then. I keep seeing what i don't want to see. Me, alone, without you.

Mandy Amorina
You who are rich and whose troubles are few May come around to see my point of view What price the crown of a king on his throne When you’re chained in the dark all alone No longer a hobo... But I'm still noble. Lust me, like me, fuck me. I got that Salvation. Where my muse at. I want to lay with her. Drink heavy, smoke light. Know you're feeling low. Very rough. That's that come down. Another hit, Another high. Effect wore off way too quickly. An expensive habit to keep. Now comes the drought. Lust to love. Addicted to the crave. From freebase to lines. Trying to kick the habit. Full stop, comma, exclamation mark. Now, you're re-reading. Said, you'd stop. But it's in the system. Shit, just got real. Big investment, Slow return Withdrawal symptoms. Lipstick stains. You ain't got that shade. Damn.......... Everybody fucked with the thoughts. They ain't the same anymore. The fire is roaring. Who sparked it up. 13

How many people feeding it. Red, Carpet, Dreams. Cocaine and champagne. These nightmares. Thoughts as heavy as your eyelids. Fuck, What, They, Think. Tears of a clown. Hazeday, Blurday. It's so yesterday. Wyclef sung it. Now we're here. November twelfth. More women. Don't make up. For that woman. Made man chasing. God clear the way. Henry Hill, Sold out. That's the D-game. This lifestyle. Makes people insane. Went from red-label and party wraps To, premium and 8 balls. Disloyal bodies fell. Now theres enough to go around. No love for a wise guy. They want to eat. How i eat. Riding coat tails. But that's another story. Shunted advocates. Talking the worst. I'm so high. Even though my bloods pure. I can do it clean. They don't believe. Asking what's running thru' me. I'm just trying to stop.. Dating all these billie jeans. Missing those girls from the past. Yeah, those girls. I hope this reaches you. The seat beside me. Belongs to you. How can't i rule with other babes I don't care for them to trust. I know you inside and out. So i need that To be honest.. I don't have a choice. 14

Baby, you need to go clear. I'm no good when I'm like this. When it's in my system. You need to go clear, go. Don't let me break you. All I'll do is destroy you. Bring you back time and time again. So i can do it all again. Make you fall in love in the worst way. As long as this is in my system. I'm no good, You need to go clear. This is all my doing. There's no undoing. So stop wasting your time. Everyday when i wake up. See you sleeping by my side. I just see another day of hurt. I know one day this will eat me up. For everything little thing i'm doing. You deserve so much more. You're settling for so much less. You're trying to change me. Make me a better person. Maybe a husband some day. I won't live forever. There isn't enough time. You shouldn't be with me. I'm slowly fading out. It must be the pills. I love you but i don't appreciate you. When you're gone i will mourn you. I just want you to live. Your life isn't with me. I can't be saved. My heart don't beat that way. I can't give you what you need. Go on be free, save yourself. One day close to this one. I'm going to be lying down. While my blood runs dry. My skin goes cold. Every thought of mine stops. That'll be the day I'll die. You'll be my last thought. I give you my word your name will be the last on my lips Until that day, i won't stop doing you wrong. 15

Even though i try to do everything right. I can't think of any more excuses. They're always worse than the intention. I don't know why i act the way i do. You never do me wrong. I always seem to lose my temper. It must be all the stuff in my body. Or maybe i'm just scared. Of returning every feeling. You've ever shown me. I don't think i could ever reach the levels you did. You done so much for me. I don't know how i could ever repay. You just keep on giving. I don't stop taking. You and everything else. Every night you let me go out. You damn well know. What i will probably do. You ignore the truth. It's a lie in your eyes. That don't mean it never happened. I'll come home and kiss you goodnight. With the same lips that kissed somebody else. That don't make a difference to you. Because i'm coming back to you. That's so wrong. It should not be like that. That's why, you need go. Start again, build yourself up. Meet some one who'll love you. For everything you are. Everything little thing you give. Stop wasting your time with me. Leave me be, let me face the consequences. Of my actions, that's my punishment. It's always my way or the highway. I'm always heading down the wrong way. You keep trying to give me direction. I just keep going straight into the darkness. I can't be saved, so save yourself. Every time i come home. See you slaving away for me. I never have any good things to say. Not even a please or thank you. You never argue, you keep at it. I wish you'd open the door and leave. I'll pack your bags for you. Help you move out and move on. I won't take the key from you. 16

You'd get to the front gate and turn around. I'll be standing right there ready to take you back. For this to start again and we go around again. If you ever go, I will never sleep in our bed again. Just in case you come knocking and give it another go. I will still the be same just with you. I will never be the same with out you. One of those is the way it'll go. Every tear drop that falls down. I see it and wish i could stop it. But that's not in me. Every time you storm out. I should chase you with my jacket. But that's not like me. So while you stand outside and freeze. I'll be inside hating you more and more. All you want is for me to come and save you. All i want is for me to be a better person. I'd rather sleep on the sofa than warm you up. Waking up in another woman's bed. Just because i'd rather not say sorry. She'll never stop talking because it's been so long. You hardly say anything anymore because it's been so long. These are our dreams of life, both of us sleeping on the same thoughts. One day i will wake up and realise you don't love me like you did. One day you will wake up and realise you don't love me like you did. You're asking yourself why missing me is so hard. Asking myself why loving you is so hard. I sit here drinking my coffee. Waiting for you to come home again. I won't sleep 'til you're with me again. I'm not the same man i once was. Left with an empty silence. That your love used to fill. Ashtray is full of regret. Baby, you went clear I'm no good when I'm like this. When you're not in my system. You went clear, You went. I'm broken without you. All i done was destroy you. Time and time again. All in the worst way. Now i miss you in the worst way. Now you're not in my system. I'm no good, since you went clear.

The Old Cottage

Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater. Now I sit in an empty bath. Sitting here by candle light. Wishing i could go back in time. Say no worries, it would be alright. Drowning in an empty tub full of thoughts. Alone with the should of’s and what If’s Two short of a 3 piece suite. Haunted by half a bathroom. Feeling like a ghost. In my own house. Sleeping on a mattress. Asking myself where it all went. The bailiff came and took it all. Not even a Tv, to be alone with. Sitting in the garden. She never liked me doing in it the house. Seeing the memories fade in the smoke. My past is as black my lungs. As rotten as my liver. Cat always had my tongue. Just not in the way she’d have liked. Pillow princess where her dreams stayed. All she wanted to was to be queen. Shamed king living like a peasant. Looking at my fridge and it mirrors right back. As empty as i am. Million miles away. How can it be filled. So I’ll sit here and drink myself to death. Because that’s the only thing we can be sure of. Rest of my life with this dead weight. Those emotions worth their weight in Gold. It’s not like feelings can pay bills. I can understand not being ready then. Now i am, you’re no where in sight. All the way in the past. You was absent through my struggles. I braved it because I thought You’d be at the end. I stand at the top of this path. Looking out at the pastures. A forgotten family man. Standing drenched in reality. When it rains, It pours. So my pain goes straight into a glass. Brandewijn, remains my only friend. Standing in the spare room. Seeing colour schemes on the wall. A future that never was. So I meet it with a bottle. 18

Watch the glass shatter and drop. Like the tears i never cried. Just wanted to be man of house. Now I stand with no one in it. Missing a face i never saw. Holding out my palm. Praying that little hand could meet it. We could of met but i took you for granted. These walls speak always remind me. Creaking doors hang the longest. The past will always dictate the future. I know i got to be better, for you, for me, for them. Floors soaked in Kerosene. Contemplating if i should dowse myself too. What good would that do your memory. Let’s leave it to fate. One last smoke before it goes up in it. Flames licking at my feet. Epiphanies in the blaze. Young face in the glow of red and yellow. A voice wise beyond it’s years. No words said but we both know. Wrapped up in a blanket of smoke. Everything clouded but my mission is clear. I have to survive and live on. As I fight my way out from deaths clutches. Then crash out on lawn. I see a faint imprint of your mother. Kisses on her stomach, we should of kept you. As bad as it sounds, I’m better for it. When the time comes… Your brothers and sisters will love you for it. Their mother will see a better father.. I will be a greater man. All for you. Never will you be a faded memory. Let me tell you once… I know my baby’s gone but they live on.. They will forever live on. …in my heart, in my dreams. You will live on.

Malak al-Maut
New day, new start. Waking up in a different bed. Rolling over to see an unfamiliar face. Asking myself what happened last night. Wondering how I'm going to get home. 19

I got work in a few hours, I'm no where near. Get up and hunt for my clothes. Early morning bus rides. Why did i spend it all at the bar. Trip over the overflowing bin bags. Neighbours never greet anymore. Fiddle with the key, stumble in. Drop everything, fall onto the bed. Catch a few lost hours. Alarm is off before my eyelids close. Moon walk into the shower. How will i take over the world. Plotting while writing on the steamed glass. First in, best dressed. Office seems empty. Coffee shop to kick start my day. Drinking what i bedded last night. Laughing at the irony. Sitting in the meetings. Talking my ear off. Things are not looking good. I got a suggestion, drowned out. It's not the work that kills. It's the worries. Watching the clock run down. Head to the local with the lads. I can't get an order in. I can't get the barmaids attention. She must be run off her feet. Standing outside burning one. At one with the fumes. The smoking gun. I don't even feel for that drink. Some food and a night in. Something quiet. Walk past our favourite place. Stopped in my tracks. The woman i want to marry. Sitting with another guy. Looking through the window. While she talks to another man. Love is blind, so she can't see me. She seems sadder but wiser. I feel like I've lost her forever. Doubt she's ever coming back. I'm trembling looking on. The whole world passes by. Hand on the glass. Feeling to do something stupid. My anger heats the cold air. 20

What a sad state of affairs. Decide against revenge. Running into the road. Dodging the oncoming traffic. Caught in the head lights. See my life flash before my eyes. Driver slams on the brakes. Abuse from their lips. Snaps me out of the trance i was in Head back to where i know. Downing what i can get my hands on. Drinking and trying to be merry. For tomorrow I may be dead. Feeling out of joint. Everything I had. Lost and gone forever. Once i was the life of these parties. Now i sit forgotten in corners. Out of sight, out of mind. Everyone sees right through me. Yesterdays pills in my pocket. Desperate diseases. Have desperate remedies. Going home with a woman. I feel nothing for. She sees nothing in me. I wonder if she's really up for this. We get in, don't turn the lights on. She heads for the bathroom. While i head for the bedroom. Hear her undress and freshen up. Sitting on her bed, head in my hands. She walks in and turns on the lamp. I admire her fine body. Maybe this won't be so bad after all. She looks me right into my eyes. Then lean forwards, i can smell her. I see the red of her lipstick. Then she stumbles and falls right in. The way to a mans heart is through his stomach. Never thought anyone would take it so literal. I stand up and stare at her. She lays on her front. I rack my brain trying to remember her name, In a moment of frustration i call her the first thing that comes to mind. She jumps up and scans the room looking. Her skin as white as the sheets. I look to her bedside table. I see her name badge. I say it so softly. 21

Her eyes find my voice. See the whites of her eyes. The way she looks at me. Struck me as weird. If i didn't know better. I'd think she just saw a ghost.

August 8th
Yeah baby, go on do that line while i mix my potion. Today we're going to party, It's our day. You know hard work pays off. If you didn't, now you know. We're going up west. Driving while you blow me. Drinking from the bottle. Two's a crowd, it looked awfully lonely. Man of the moment. Enjoy the shine with me. This is as much yours as it's mine. You stand by me though the worst. Now you're reaping your rewards. Hollywood wife, couple kids no complaints. Keep the home in order type. Everything you want, you got now. Drive safely this journey was hazard. It's crazy how we got here. It's crazy where we're going to go. I'm happy, if you're happy. You're the life and soul of the party. You ain't even got to look over your shoulder. No enemies here, no need to be sober. This is your spot, forever and ever. Death to those who try claim it. Pop the question, while the bottles go. No hysterics, just a yes or no. Make me the happiest man alive. Make me an honest man. Out of me. You said yes, let's get crazy. Dreamt of a funeral. Now i'm hearing marriage. I'm over the limit. Drinking a bit more. A cause for celebration. Everyone can come. It's open invitation. I'm about to make it official. Dad said wedding rings are the worlds smallest handcuffs. 22

I'm walking straight into a life sentence. With no regret in the world. I just want to get you home. Everyone else seems have a different plan. I keep losing you in the crowd. Peer pressure is in full force. Drink after drink after drink after drink. My throat is burning now. My head is spinning now. Trying to find you in the masses. Everywhere i look i'm met with glasses. I've been sick twice, where the fuck you hiding. I keep bumping into girls from the past. They won't take no for an answer. I'm ringing your phone, Why won't you pick it up. Telling everyone how i love you. Can't stop smiling, It's hurting my cheeks. A bitter girl asking what's so good about you. I'm listing everything that she can't do. The musics kinda loud. So i lean in. So she can hear me clearly. That's when you happened to see me. Give me a minute to explain. You ain't even got to make a scene. Can i say goodbye. Can i have minute. I hate it when you act up. I'm doing close to 150. You're shouting in my face. Can't even see the road. You're doing my head in. The alcohol is dealing with whats left. Screaming and crying, that's never good. Eyes in front, trying to keep focus. Baby, you ain't even got to grab me. You'll make me lose my temper. One step too far. Heavy foot on the pedal. Didn't see it in time. Veer off the road. Car's in a ditch. The pain is immense. I don't even want to survive. They cut me out the wreckage. You took a while longer. I'm in the waiting room. Scared as hell. Hoping you'll survive. 23

I just want a speedy recovery. Then we can try get back to normal. You look so peaceful sleeping. No matter what I'm at your side. It hurts to see all these tubes and pipes. I did this all, i did this. I wish i go back in time. Now see you on life support. I just sit here and can't make a difference. Nothing i can say or do. Can change this situation for the better. Waiting game, waiting for you to wake up. How will i go on if you don't make it. Looking at my cuts and bruises. See i'll have scars too. Snap out of it, say something to me. I know i hurt you but i can make it better. See before the car crash. My life flashed before my eyes. You was in every frame. So tell how am i meant to go with you. These lot are telling me to let you go. I'll be damned if they switch off this machine. The only thing keeping you with me. I know you'll make it girl. I'm still thinking about that happily ever after. We had big plans and big dreams. We had already named all the kids. Knew where we was gonna live. I don't want to see these feelings go to waste. Come on love, come back to life. I know you'll always paralysed. The damage is done and can never be fixed. I'm not drinking to exist, I'm drinking to forget. I'm trying to bury these feelings when it should be me. I won't ever leave you, I'll always be there. You might get a carer baby. They might take real good care of you baby. If you need that authentic loving. I'm just a phone-call away. I'm not a doctor but i'll do what i can. I hope you let me know...

I came here to free my mind. High hopes of learning something different. They said i need to perfect my craft. So I'm sitting here with a few hundred others. 24

All these children split from their mothers. All trying to reward them for hard work. A piece of paper will put us miles apart. Already given three quarters of my life away. The system is not satisfied yet. Our success measured on what we get. Knowledge is power, I'm not debt free. So I'm paying back every penny they lent me. I'm used to learning and thinking on my own. Now a man who hardly knows me says I'm wrong. My way is not as good as their way. So i better conform if i want to get paid. I'm paying to live, paying to learn. Paying to eat, paying to drink. On top of that you want my dreams? Plastic seats watching slides. Is this what i really paid for? I can't even argue my point. Talk of kids who pray of having better. Marathon walks just to go school. If I give up this chance then i must be a fool. As days pass by stray thoughts come to mind. I've got good intentions but I'm tired of trying. Just spent a small fortune on stuff to read Only to be told they're books we don't need. Why'd you tell us to buy them in first place. Coursework, assessment and exams. Nothing on those slides is anywhere to be seen. Apparently they want to keep us on our toes. Or maybe everything they teach is useless. They tell me i need to see the bigger picture. What's a degree got to do with my imagination. Emails spelling out their concern about my decline. I spent the night with procrastination, so i never done it. While you're getting rich telling me things i already knew. I learn more from youtube and google and thats free. If only the internet could give me an A-Grade. Meetings where they say they really care about me. If my next payment bounces see how your tone changes. If only you knew how many friendships the busy tone changes. Some people can't understand that I'm going through changes. It's funny because some of them said fuck school, now drive ranges. That life was never for me because road nor money can love you back. They tell me stick to what I'm good at while they dream of free rides on my back. Questioning myself if i signed up for the right thing or i lost the hunger i once had. What happened to the sanity, appetite and 8 hour sleep that i used to have. Spending nights awake getting stuff down only to sleep when more comes. He has the audacity to be offended, 4 tests this week, we haven't slept once. Ready made meals and power naps, this is how we're surviving. Phone calls from home, they're eager to know how it's going. 25

My friends are like my dreams, I don't see them anymore. Whispers of how I've forgotten them, I'm on a different wave. What they fail to realise is the tide still hasn't come in. It's been a few months still trying to make sense of it all. I even gave up all these seminars, tutorials and classes. Talk, talk, slide, handout, talk, only to be told it's all online. Had enough of this the first time, can't come back for a second time. Came here now i'm feeling like half a man. My idle brain is the devils workshop. All my great thoughts taken away. My plans under this establishments heavy foot. How can learning hold you back from your dreams. My peers are like join them or get left behind. Look at this brain dead army. Cramming away facts. Leaving no space for creativity. I'm being edged out by conformity. I can't keep doing this honestly. My future don't lie in captivity. Walking around this library. Seeing other peoples work stacked up. Can't help feeling like an anomaly. Everything inside is yearning to break free. When the going gets tough, the tough gets going, Familiar words I'm hearing on the radio. Sitting in my room trying to find inspiration. Obsessing with the idea that I'm burnt out. A candle that fell down the well. Alone with my bells and whistles. 10 minute gaps between knocks on the door. All they want to know is if i'm safe and sound. I can hear them asking if i've lost it. Shame, I've buried my head in the sand. Fuck lectures, out of sight, out of mind. Books are meant to have answers. So i write and write 'til i understand the question. My time here was just an expensive life lesson. I can't say I'll miss the parties i was never social. They say it takes money to make money. How much sanity makes a genius. They'll never understand the sacrifice. Neck on the line, still run the risk. I'm not the one but if the glove fits. They say my heart isn't always wise. They say follow another mans tracks Look at Sugar, Jobs and Spielberg. They all dropped out and they got going. If that's the general sentiment. No wonder hardly anyones rich now. My brain is my very own cash cow 26

No need to rely on another mans profits. Until i drive one off the showroom floor. Or bypass a mortgage they'll never rate. Some spoke blind all because of hate. Now they appreciate the ornate metaphors. Wondering if i've done something new since. Requests for a sneak pieces. New faces replace the old faces. My heart still in the right place. Love between me and my words. Even they don't understand the attraction. Nothing is heavy for those who have wings. I have not landed since i took off. The dark nights, bright lights. My texts messages looking erratic. From love-yous to hate-yous Congratulations, miss-yous. The odd death wish too. Some of the stuff you got to go through. I spoke to the man and he said that I'm due. I'm so close to it all but it could all fall through. Points to prove, ambitions to pursue. Idle gossip, still gets a silent fuck you. It's always ones who haven't got a clue. It's easy to talk when they aren't your shoes. Give it all up to have it all, would you? Hindsight, review. doubts, subdue. The real journey starts now, adieu It's funny what words can do.

This story has never been spoken. At about seven years thrown into a pit of confusion. It's been about 4 years since he saw him Now that number has grown to 14. He don't understand the message. What is he being told. How come this road is never ending. Car swerving off the road. This is at his hands. Rage. Fury. Anger. Walking in and out again. Only seen him 3 times in his lifetime. He's only a child up against a man. Hate burning in both of their eyes. Hard to see the blood that flows. 27

One is a splitting image of the other. Now there's a huge void. Flying over the desert. As empty as what he sees down below. Only a day ago why does it feel like a lifetime. Mother asks him what the problem is. He says there isn't one, he's fine. A decade passes then it's no longer dormant. He can feel it burning inside of him. Like he stole the devils wrath. Looking in the mirror seeing horns. Trouble everywhere he walks. Juggling fire, his favourite play thing. Even though she don't want to admit it His mother can see the demon within. She tries curb it but everything she does fails. Her words keep falling on ears that refuse to hear. He's torn between two worlds, the one he's known. Then the one he feel's he belongs to. Two pieces from different puzzles, He's just in-between. Walking in the dark, what happened to his mothers shine. Confusion over this absence that came back to life. Eyes black as the night he voyages in. Lifeless looks, stare back all you see is empty. Taking lives trying to gain what he never had. Night after night on a murder spree. Comes home and looks at himself. All he sees is a man he hardly recognises. Waking up wondering if it was all a dream. Bloody hand prints cover the sink. Mum's like what have you done this time. He looks her in the eye and walks out. She falls at her knees and asks why. She don't understand why she's being tested like this. While he sits on rooftops watching all of them walk by. What if he jumped, would he feel anything. It's like all the pain has made him so numb. Trips to the where the land ends. Looking at the way the moon pulls it back. Standing on his fathers porch. Should he walk right into it. Sink to the bottom and knock on his door. Would there be a key under the mat. Would he open the door and welcome with open arms. A moment of madness now he's drowning. Passers by can't believe their eyes. One minute he was on the pier. Next he was fighting with the waves. How many days has it been since. Connected to all these tubes and pipes. 28

Breathing apparatuses and a heart monitor. Trying to break free and leave this room. Doctors and nurses holding him down. One shot of valium, calms him down. Now he looks out the window. Looking at the bright sky. Counting the hours. Minutes and seconds. That are passing him by. Doctor after doctor. All with their different tests. His blood is full of toxins. A slave to their venom. They don't stop pumping them. They say they want to make him right again. They claim it's all in the best intentions. He feels lost, his mother is scared to visit. She fears she won't remember her son. He won't let her come anyway. He don't want her to see him like this. Nurses don't see him waiting for his moment. One in particular is having problems at home. She's hardly been getting any sleep. So she keeps forgetting to give him what he needs. Day by day by day, he's gaining his strength back. Then as one comes to check up, he flips out. Leaves her unconscious and bleeding. He takes what he needs and walks out. Next he's running through the woods. Feet pounding hard the wet floor. Face marked from the branches. Legs bruised from the bushes. Feet cut and bleeding from the nettles. Too drugged up to even notice. The dark clouds watch over. Rain falls, heaven is not happy. Thunder and lighting. The sky is breaking. His father can feel it. He knew that this day would come. His mother prays that her son don't do it. All he can hear are voices. Even thoe he stands here alone. Confused. Lost. Enraged. Fearsome. Hands digging in the dirt. Trying to part the stones and mud. Don't know if it was the drugs. 29

Or maybe something else. But he tires and falls asleep. A few hours he sees two blurred faces. They ask him if he's alright. He lashes out before they can react. Thats another two bodies. Thats another two marks. He takes their clothes. Tries to blend with the locals. The hustle and and bustle. Keeps throwing him off. Sharp pains in his cranium. Squinting through the headache. Feels like someone is squeezing his brain. The pain has him blinded. Screaming to his fathers minions. Vultures circling him. They're waiting for him to give in. So they can feast on his downfall. Sitting on a bench, eyes fixed on a spot. He don't even notice the time run by. The rain has turned into snow. Tears became snowmen. Wraps and cans got him torpid. A doorway is where he's been spending his days.. Randoms throw him some change. But everyday everything stays the same. He's not homeless he just don't know where home is. Asking himself if he's been lied for most of his life. Why did she keep him from the truth. Was it her fault or was it his. He just don't understand. He does not even want answers. That don't stop the questions coming. All he has is the cold and moonlight for company. Until she came along and asked him if he was okay. It had been a while since anyone has spoken to him. He forgets his words then he forgets his own name. She laughs and comes down a few levels. Puts her hand on his cheek. Heat spreads through him. Her eyes tell no lies. The time seems to fly. In no time she has to go away. He can't sleep all he does is stay awake. Over the next few days she returns. With food, drinks and other treats. She don't ask too much. He listens to everything she says. Until one day she asks if he wants a bed for the night. 30

He don't trust himself but she convinces him to follow her. A hot bath, clean clothes and a warm bed. He stares up at the ceiling. Listening to her listening to him. A few walls separate the two. Sleeping alone, thoughts together. They roll to the side and see pillows. Both of them stuck on their own islands. Early morning, birds chirping, sun shining. Smiling at each other over their breakfast table. 1 day became a week, a week became a month. Now a good deed has become a decent arrangement. A good samaritan has become his biggest crave. They do everything together, sometimes it feels like they're one. They never fall for it, they keep their feelings in check. He's got a job now, so he pays his way. She's got a boyfriend so it burns him in everyday. He don't appreciate her but he's never there when he's there. He always tells her, that if he ever touches her he'll deal with him. She tells him not to get in involved in business that doesn't concern him. He stays in his room as he hears them argue, covering his face with the pillow. Her boyfriend leaves before he wakes so theres always an awkward silence in the kitchen. She hardly speaks, she can't even look him in the eyes. Now he's out every night trying to get away from it all. If her can't have her, he does not want to hear him have her. So now he's drinking overnight, losing himself in that life. Stumbling in drunk, he can hear them two shouting. Then he passes out on his bed. He can't remember the past few nights. He hasn't seen her in ages too hungover to worry. Watches the tablets fizz in his water and grabs a slice of toast. He walks fast, smiling at random strangers, how his life has changed. Passing the spot where his mind used to wonder. Drops a few notes for those who occupy it now. Time is precious, every moment counts. He plans to speak to her that night. Work ends, he pops over to the shops. Picks a few items, ideas of dinner. Walks in and sees glass smashed. He sees her in the corner. He rushes to her aid. He sees the bruises. He asks who done this. She don't answer. He already knows. He picks up a knife. She begs him not to. He drops it and grabs her. They look into each others eyes. The morning after, feels so unfamiliar. 31

He turns to his side and sees her sleeping. He jumps out of the bed in shock. She wakes up and asks him to come back. He lays there listening to her speak Non of her words register with him. He knows that he's opened up a can of worms. Her head on his chest yet it feels so right. This is what it's like, all his questions answered. This is the life he used to lie in bed and dream of. Now he sleeps and wakes up to her in his arms. As the months pass by something troubles him inside. It can't be that monster, he thought that was dead. Now awkward thoughts got him moving awkward. She don't understand the distance, she tries to close it down. He does not know if he can trust himself, he fears for her. Whenever someone gets too close they always get hurt. She can't work it out, she thinks he must miss his family. She begs him to pick up the phone and call them. He tells her they're all dead and gone. She don't believe a word of what he says. She unleashes the months of questions. Why you scared of the past? Where did you come from? Who broke your heart? He can't handle any it. Fight or flight. Now he's breezing out. Looking for an excuse. Maybe she had a point. It's too late to go back. Pride is just a headache. He can't think straight. Sitting on a bench. Head deep in his hands. Metal in his pocket becomes a can. Two sips, he can't do this. Throws it down. Makes his way back. Lights off, silence. Till he goes past her room. He hears a familiar voice. Her unmistakeable groans. He paces up and down. Then lights turn on. Doors open and close. He sees the man he hates. In the reflection of the glass door. Then he see's her come like his shadow. Words can't describe how he feels. He tells her to shut up and sit down. 32

He tells him, he's not welcome. She tells him he don't understand. He tells her to shut the fuck up. He looks over at the knives. Her gaze meets his. She bursts into tears. He asks her why? The other guy is no where to be seen. He looks at the her with disappointment. Then he leaves and leaves that behind. Whirlwind thoughts, a hurricane in his mind. He can't believe the disrespect. The devil in him urges to sort it. He turns and looks at the door. Flashes of red, muted screams. He puts his hand on the door. Two deep breaths, then he pushes it open. She pleads with him not to do anything. He asks where she's hiding him. She says he would stop if he cared. He throws her to the side. Searches every room. Comes back and holds her throat. He tells her to give him up. She says she can't, she loves him. He can't believe the words he's hearing. This is the worst of all his life stresses. The only silver lining lies on the table. He considers it while his hand trembles. Her tears creep into his darkest thoughts. A smash and bang he turns to her. Sees her run into the bathroom. Grabs the the devil that's going to take a life. The door is no match for his strength. He smashes right through it. She gets on her knees. Why does this feel so familiar to him. She screams, saying she thought he changed. But he will always be a monster in disguise. She said she thought this would be last time. He promised but never comes through. What the hell is she on about he asks. She tells him to look behind him. Face to face with the man of hour. He don't hear her screams, he lunges. Something goes wrong, he stumbles back. He starts losing vision, he can hardly hear her. She tries to tell him, it's them two and the mirror. He don't understand as he slowly fades out. She stutters that he's the man she loves. 33

And the man she fears but he never hears. He took his own life, with his own knife. He succeeded in killing the man he feared. This is where the story would end. If she wasn't pregnant. The cycle continues.

D.E.A.R – Goodbye
To who ever finds this… After long thought and deliberation I've decided to go away for a while, I'm not leaving forever, Just long enough to get myself together, i don't think i can be here for the time being. I feel as if i need a fresh start, i need something new, something different, something i can't get from staying here, I've tried but i mean….it's not easy, recently I've been all over the place. There's so much going on right now, there are too many bad memories here and well there's this opportunity that's come my way, I've been putting it off too long, it's perfect for me….perfect, a funny word, i thought a few things were perfect for me, It's crazy how i don't have those things any more. When two people with great chemistry stop talking, the lack of flair and affinity is evident as individuals, I feel like I've been alone and broken for too long…i don't feel like the man i once was, I'm not sure what this journey has in store for me, to be honest, I'd rather not have any preconceptions about it, but that's easier said than done. Don't worry about me, I have an idea of what I'm going to do out there. It's easier to chase the dream when you're running away from nightmares. I'll drop you a line when i get myself sorted.


L'elisir d'amore
I'm in a new city. They love me for this. Away from home on that ignorant shit. Dressed like i'm heading to the beach. Night out in miami, I'm burning the heat. Project my thoughts in their minds. Oh my god, this shit is scary. Up, down, left, right. Provide with everything I'll need I never forget a compliment. I love it when it's heartfelt. Comments on how my names spelt. Psy, away with the Si. Say it loud don't be shy. My mothers gift. I hardly ever hear it. The brash ones still say it Others want to test the water. Hardly ever hear them speak it. They just want to feel closer. So I hardly pay attention When they say my name in vain. Two can play that game. I just forget a lot. Blame it on the splash. Empty cups for the ash. Apparently we share the same dream. Love the way these women scheme. What i want is what they want. Light burn, I'm nonchalant Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on who. Champagne at the ritzy. 35

A tree grew in brixton. I'm loveless in london. Just me and this idea. Words for Rianna. Difference is mine don't sing. Well i haven't made her. Up, down, left, right. Forgive me for my sins. Especially the ones I'm yet to commit. I'm here to drink within an inch of my life. I know i should't but i can't help it. You only live once. Live before you die. Excuses to see my mother cry. Fuck it, I'm down for the cause. Act like i'm compensating for a lose. One box, snap, crackle, pop Serve my potion on the rocks. The land of milk and honey. Money begets money. Seeking a fortune. Watch me make a bundle. Then send me back to june. That's my month child of the moon. Pyrotechnics sitting in buckets. The show must go on. Turning over a new leaf. Fresh herbs when the clock strikes. Every night is a new year. Up, down, left, right. Bless me before i move. Parting waves for more to pass. Call her coffee because she's dark. Mixing colours on her skin. I don't dedicate for anyone but the crew. Hazed off blurred out. Emotions overpowering. For those who can't paint what they feel Write the pain, sing the sorrow. Everything I do, I'm doing for you. Still don't understand half of what i do. If it feels right then I go with it. From my mistakes I'll benefit. Up, down, left, right. God granted me foresight. I'm not lying when i say it'll be alright. Don't remind me about what i fail to mention. The cure can be better than the prevention. Learn from the difference, setting the pace. What karma, I wrap that bitch around my waist. 36

I wear the trousers in this relationship. She can talk all she likes, can never change me. Man proposes, God disposes. Black suits with a gold feature. Experience is the best teacher. Do everything with a touch of flair. Fallen more than once, I'm never scared. Pain is relevant, so i never drop tears. Thank God for the suffering. Now I know how to appreciate. Up, down, left, right. Walking in with a hint of arrogance. I'm not insecure this just lacks flavour. My attitude messes up the aura. Dreams of sleeping with Sierra leone. Diamonds are forever, bare bones. Crazy thoughts after a night on the phone. I'm not saying anything is set in stone. When my minds right anything is possible. All i care now about is celebrating. I told Boojie, the story is only starting. She said the futures bright, she'll never leave me. That's a garden wedding, big white marquee. I'm not down for marriage but she disagrees. A word out for clam, she still holds the master key. Up, down, left, right. Kiss the wooden piece three times. Ice water, with lemons and lime. Religion is lost in the mists of time. Poverty is not a crime. It's hard enough living hand to mouth. I feel for all the lost souls stuck in the trap. Thinking drugs and boxes are the only way out. Set up to fail, without a shadow of a doubt. The trade that never stops, they'll never let you leave. Money on their mind, tricks up their sleeve. Leave one corner to sit in another. Hands touching, eye contact. Dirty propositions floating in my ear. They say more champagne. Up, down, left, right. God bless this dirt I'm about to drink. Me and her will get home, lord willing. Flashbacks of seeing my homeboys door slam. Now i'm sitting with pale faces who think I'm eating off a scam. How not to live your life, talking devils candy with Naomi. Late nights wishing i started that radio show with Remi. I don't dance, I just stumble in style. Where's the exit, this is going to take a while. I'm a recovering sinner, I keep hijacking minds. 37

The kid who got prominent from losing his way. I'm a bottle away from flying to drink with Makeda. Life, words, love, I'm in love with Tanya Royes. I don't know i just got something for writers. Lusting after academic and creatives. I can't pick because I'm not a liar. Up, down, left, right. I know my paths not clear. I just can't wait anymore. I came to win and I'm here now.

Treulich geführt
Ey, hear me baby we're getting married today. This is all overdue, we're getting married today. Fuck the world and anything they have to say. They don't want us together but that ends today. Maybe it's our colour that blinds them. Love prevails always, let's remind them. If they ever forget make sure you show them the shine. Tell your engagement ring to make room. I'm feeling like it's time for the world to know. Champagne toasts, watch the way it spills. A few distractions down to the personal appeal. It's our wedding, this is a celebration. Engaged for far too long. How long's it been? We're still going strong. See the big cake. That means everyones going to eat. Family that prays together stays together. No why we should not be joined in holy matrimony. Man of God, please hurry up with your words, I just want to kiss my bride I've often dreamed about meeting my wife, now we about to marry. This is not just for me or just for you, we're together, our day. Shit, fuck, I'm sorry I'm late but i wanted it all to be perfect. Don't tell the bride but I'll shout it from the roof tops. You're in this for me, I'm in this for you. Imagine all the things we can achieve. I'll smoke less but we'll drink more. Empty glasses, seven blessings, mazel tov. I invited some greeks too ask the chef for some plates. I'm looking to bring everyone together, birds of a feather. A rabbi, priest, imam, you know how abrahamic i am. My faith is strong, let them all lead us to it. I want the whole clan to see, come sit front row. The boy is going to make it happen, i swear on it. Wife to the side, first dance with my mother. You can't keep a good woman down and she brought me up. 38

So i owe her everything, so come and show them what you got. Best man speeches from everyone who graced me with words. Dark suits and ties, my brothers, this is the life, drink up. Went from sleeping tops and tails to wearing tops and tails. No need to thank me, just tip your hat my way. I expected the protests, i hear everything you say. There's no reference points for your criticism. So how am i meant to respond, what am i meant to say? I'm about to get married to the industry i love. I told them this isn't a hobby or career. Words get all my love and dedication. Another man marrying his profession. I can't wait till the honeymoon. Watch the sparks fly. Me, her and the gifts, no space in the bed. Pretentious thoughts fill my head. Honey, I'm home. How many more awards. How much more praise, how many more tributes. Wedding presents got to find space for them. Need to adjust to this married life. Dark skinned man with a golden wife. Smiles all around, never forget this feeling. Fuck any one who didn't want me to see it. Can't wait for my brothers to feel it. Ey, hear me baby we got married today. It was all overdue, we got married today. Fuck the world and anything they had to say. They didn't want us together but that ended today.

Letter to Psymon
You push everyone away, that's why they aren't there in the end. Take heed of your own words and don't let them become fickle, false beauty on deaf ears and blind eyes. You cry out for help but shout so loud you can't hear the offers, maybe you don't even want to acknowledge them. I became a brief chapter in your story, will never forget how I felt, it was beautiful but dark and sinister. I saw a dark side of me, felt that darkness consume me, entrap me, I was scared. In scared for you, its as though you can never escape it anymore...do you even want to? You seem to cause things that dig the hole deeper just so you can't escape and then blame the hand reaching out for being too short. I'm sorry for you, you seem to have everything when it is empty, false, temporary, fleeting. Please learn, you won't, but I have to yet, count those demons and let them Ho, everything is not lost just yet. I will be there, please let me...Simon you're amazing, in that brief time, I fell in love with you and your words but I awoke from the overdose and everything has changed, I see everything differently all too bright and loud, offensive. I'm craving the high so much, just want it all back I want you back, I want the lust back, to fulfil it, revel in it, be consumed. I want you to take it, violently, passionately, break me, kitchen table, shower, fuck. Feels like you did then i woke up to find an empty bed as you snuck into the night, with my secrets, my thoughts, feelings and a piece of my heart. I'm always here Fidelis ad Mortem. 39

Enjoy the limelight, don't let it burn. XO

Headaches. Sleepless nights. In your system. Where i get to work. On your neck. All the way down. Running down. Running away with it. Those feelings are up for grabs. It's a one horse race. Set a beggar on horseback He'll ride to the devil. Steal a thousand heartbeats. The Butterfly effect. Cocoons in your stomach. Roller-coaster loving. Throw back echoes. Me, you and bedpost. This goes no further. Drive you up the wall. Let me get in gear. Take this to the top. Hit the ceiling. See that rage. Blow that fuse. Drug induced. Morning dreams come true. We work through them. Simulation hypothesis Carte blanche. Give it all up. How bad could it be. Mind uploading A full plate. Drop. Down. A. Level. Elevator music. Can't get away from it. Once it's in your head. Broken record. We can go again. 40

'til it wears off. Right before it. Kiss and a promise. To return again. Unexplained absence. Hope your heart grows fonder. Let me be conspicuous in memory. At. The. Top. Of. Your. Lungs. Scream out for me. When will we meet again. Can't keep your head high. Forget it all, forget it all. All those stresses. Forfeit control. Meet me at the point of no return. You will come with me. I'll show you everything. Let go, let loose. Gasp for breath. I've taken it away. While i talk under mine. Easy touches. Light as a feather. Burn with a low blue flame. Intense as we can get. Fight fire with fire. Water with water. Good servants. Bad masters. Take it in. Let it in. Turn over a new leaf. Or. Peel back those silk sheets. Be happy as happy can be. Euphoria or ecstasy. Dip into my stash. Help yourself. While i help myself. Powerful state of mind. Or. An unfortunate circumstance. Make this feeling last long. Gracious and courteous. Let you go first. 41

Once you're off this. The depression. The hunger. The crave. Keep feeding the flames. Keep it alive. Mazel Tov baleboste. See if you can do it all. You can have it all. Just fight that feeling. Do everything you want to do. Say everything you want to say. Don't let this escape you. Keep dosing. Keep believing. Keep the dream alive.

Deuteronomy 24:5
Party now, rehab later. Tonight is the the night. Every drug under the sun. Bare skin under the stars. Red cups, Red bottoms Red lipstick, Red flame Red carpet dreams. One day at a time. 5 times in a night. Party in your mouth. Moan-et Suite. Do it till its right. Have me or lose me. Need a challenge. Deal with me properly. Smelling of stress relief. Tasting like forgotten memories. Drink that vodka in the shower. Make sure you keep those heels on. Coloured fumes, dark fluids. Whoa, this shit is potent. Hold a spot here, hear that. Could be mocha. Could be vanilla. Hard to see in this sesh. Dark nights, better thoughts. Multicoloured pills. Lust issue turned to crave. Proof is in the pudding. This don't taste familiar. Get high on the come down. 42

Come down to get that high. That celebration sex. Sheets stuck to your back. Heaven on earth. Hell in in-between. Blow me as i write. Holding the camera. Out of focus. This is a celebration. We made it. To the promised land. Everything is different now. Your time is done. You go, I stay. You can't lose what you never had. But miss me same way. Look out for me. If I'm free for the night, You can hit me up. Honeymoon on demand. When I'm with you I'm single. Burn separate, smash once. After sex we go twos. I'm single, when you're 3. Get down, on all fours. Nut some, then we take five. At sixes and sevens. We're behind that eight ball. Hazed off on that cloud 9. All pins down, perfect 10. Fuck till the eleventh hour. She won't call till about 12. Hoping she won't care. I'm unlucky, so thirteen. Right now, I'm behind you. So let's get one four. Enjoy your time. Make every minute count. So best enjoy, your 15. Your claim to fame. You can kiss and tell. Meet me at crib. House of ill repute. I only pay in attention. When it's gone. It's your debt. I ain't gonna buy you drugs. I ain't gonna sponsor shit. You can sell your story. The eternal triangle. 43

Then we can call it square. I'll be in different circles. In night clubs, throwing shapes. That's not the nigga you knew. Shit, who is the nigga you knew? See this life I'm living now? All of this is brand new. And i thank you. Your contribution was priceless. Same as what i'm dealing with. When it grinds to halt. You can say whatever. Quote certain shit i said. Exaggerate things that i did. You can be a bitter cow. With a cock-and-bull story. I know sex sells. The story of life. You can tell who listens. There's none deaf as me. Those who will not hear. You can sing to the next guy. I'm not concerned with the opinion. Of the boy next door. The greater the truth. The greater the libel. I can tell them the real you. I can show it too. I can stake my reputation. On my word, my word on. Every living love i got. They ain't spoke a word. Silence gives consent. Cocky as the king of spades. Let the dead bury the dead. It will be over before you know it. Time flies for you busy bees. Black pots talking. Yellow bellies walking. Forgive and forget. I'll remember to write. Wish you was here. Love, Public enemy.

Green Fairy
I’m lying through my teeth but I need you to believe me. Never thought i’d see the say you’d leave me I done ‘em because they said they need me This shit is a burden can you free me. 44

3 in, preaching to the converted. Living off what i made off smut A blessing or two made this money clean. So maybe i should pray for that bitch. I ain't seen the inside since the last time. This could all be for the last time. Sleeping with the devil. Trying to avoid an I'm late text. Astaghfirullah when i fling the jimmy off. Trying to see a million and get wasted off the change. Drinking triples, Seeing double, Smoking singles You look cute, but cuter naked. Strip down, couple photos, send 'em to me. This is the most you can do. Long distance, slow love. A text can't give me head. You're there, I'm here. A hell of a lot space in between. It's not really cheating, just in-between. Nothing worth it, is easy That don't mean you should make it hard for yourself. She got to turn a blind eye sometimes. I'm always cool, double scoops. When out, I'm down for that vanilla. At home, always get that baked alaska. Kiss on that neck, shoulders cold for me. Different shoulder to the one she cries on. Tell her, I stopped then i go back. Life starts when she's on her back. We both lying, ones smiling, other is hiding. I know it's going to hurt but it's worth it. The sex paints over the cracks. Get high, fuck hard. Come down, crave it bad. Empty cup, full of thoughts You done well but not enough. You was straining yourself just to keep up. You kept your eye on competition for too long Now you’re no longer part of it. You over thought, sometimes it’s wise to be unwise. Concrete beliefs when walking on thin ice. Your story ends here. Murder she wrote. Suicide, my fault. I killed the bitch. The deputy's dead I didn't shoot the sheriff. I'm trying to cut down Some are gone, More will go. 45

I'm trying to rid of them all. That final destination. One way or the other. I'm twisted off the bitch. Set her on fire. Then i put my lips on here. I'm seeing things. Saying shit i don't mean. Fuck your past. Fuck your ex. If it makes you happy. I'll fuck your friend. It won't make me happy. Make us even. Just another odd couple. Mortgage deposit on a car i can't drive. Buy out my dealer, fade in and out. Everyone got to eat. Cept the coat tails and lazy. Let those side fuckers starve. Tell every bitch who loved me. I'm spending it all on a new chick. She think's she can make me love her. Funny because i fuck her seeing different faces. Unknown number, text me yesterday. Said, I'm a sadist. Hope that paigon dies a slow death. Bottle almost done, lighter no where to be seen. Switch on my phone and talk loud. Let them hear me talk my shit. Leave cashpoint receipts in the machine. Let the next person wonder how i got it. Buzz words or was it safety word. Just tell me when you want to stop. I'm half cut so i don't think i will finish. Cum on gold diggers face in club toilets. UV pick 'em out like spot lights. Get it how you live. Blow prize money on yesterdays dream. Leave 'em wondering what's tomorrows. Cab ride back to the original postcode. Get those lidge wings and drink. A bow and a couple hot ones Ey' man, fuck. I'm drunk and i'm. I'm just talking some shit. You know what… Just ignore me. I'm on something.


Pen pal
Hit me up. I'll hit you right back. Couple messages. Attach an image if you can. Send a voice note. Let me hear you read it all. A video let me see you work it. You got a folder on my mac. I sneak a peak when i can. Don't stop adding. I won't stop collecting. I ain't sleeping till i read it. You ain't resting till i send it. Holding off a few minutes. Don't want to seem too eager. Watching the clock run down. Don't leave it too long. Sleep might catch you. Drop me something cute. I'll sleep on it. Wake up smiling It's been a few days now. I know i haven't replied. Been a little busy. I could fill you in. We could pick up where we left off. Don't be mad. I've been cooking. You're first to taste. How do you like it. Tell me how you feel it. I know what you're thinking. Is this all for you. Don't blow the lid off. Always so obscure. Cold hands, warm heart. I don't give away much. I'm working a bit more. You're out in the cold. Winter is calling. I still got plans. I might be close. I need some for the night. You got that time. Hold that thought. She's here. Reading over my shoulder. We'll talk when i can. 47

We don't talk no more because... Cheats never prosper. Gravity is a harsh mistress. I'm back down on earth. We should take it all back. Do you want your feelings back. Let me do what i can. Floating ideas. Let's talk this over. Don't catch feelings again. I'm just trying to air it out. Talk is cheap, sex costs. I'm real broke right now. Head over heels in debt. Her shoes were pricey. For richer, for poorer I'm a man of my word. You got your claws in me. What you want me to do? Speak with a forked tongue? Sail under false colours? Tell me what you want me to do. Should we let it rip. Should we zip it up. Give you a hand and lift? Thank you for the ride. Pretend nothing happened. Marry in haste, repent at leisure. Taking cold showers. Ignoring the mail. I'm on the wagon. Your wishes are stuck to a star. Aspiring high, no low goals. Your glass is half full. I'm running on empty. Not sure how much is in the tank. Refill my prescription. I'm just gonna dose again. From the go, from scratch. Leave marks so when i wake. So I know what i did. Bite off more than you can chew. So she sees what we did. Take this head on and go deep. So it's all in good taste. You get the message. Let me know. You get the message. Reply back. If you got the message. 48

Drink, drink, drink. Till i lose my vision. Foresights on the blink. Under the influence. So i don't even think . We ain't spoken in months. Some how we seem closer. Doing what i like. Calling me a poet. I hate that shit. It's like every girl i want, dose badder. MDMA, Ghb, Ketamine. Drugs, for the win. Couple girls said they ain't on stuff. But they're willing to try. They think sex is better when you ride that high. The best stuff i ever done, i was bone dry. Give me a straight woman. See if she ends up crooked. I'm trying to break the habit. Old ones die hard. While the good die young. I even got down with a bi-chick. The best of both worlds. Running in parallel. Had to cut off that shit. It wasn't going very well. Switching from licking to sucking. Lost her self even she couldn't tell. All follow suit, pyramid came down. They're all like i can go to hell. Went and came back with a new stance. New experiences, new story, new women. Take a moment, baby, who really lost out? New tings showing me those new things. If the moment ever strikes me. I might came back for that one ting! Don't do anything you may regret. Non stop red lights, just pings. Got messages for me in my recent updates. I don't even know where that line is. Even if i did i wouldn't even check 'em. Mind how you talk babe. I'm still the man you gave cough too. Said you love me, while you juggle. Future presidents, so drop the pretence. Dark nigga sending out white men. 49

You ever seen a black girl on that cocaine. Dropped my vanilla babe, it was a damn shame. Talking and talking, my choice was black and white. Same day my bosses try tell me to fly out. For some bullshit idea that will never take off. Done the last two on my own, this one can't hold it's own? I stopped talking to a few, they making noise like i never came alone. Dropped out with out giving notice, not always easy, but always the best way. 3rd digit stands tall, the rest sleep, well, middle finger for everyone who isn't here. Smiley face to my old bitch, thumbs up to my fake friends, high five to those who stayed true. Paranoid and insecure hit me up, like why did you write that. Started doing what i wanted now i'm the boss. Worlds only as small as you make it. I'm out here trying to explore. Learn things i never knew before. Ignore the knickers on the floor. Trying to get paradise. Those french doors. Had to pull a few strings. You know that G ones. Get where i need to get. Everyone's happy when they love me. It all changes when they start to hate me. Heard i could of had it all a little bit easier. If i took it one step a time.. Took one forward then two back. The progress was tedious. Then i think i hit a bad batch. Started off on the wrong foot. From sublime to the ridiculous. Is only a step but i'm 9 deep. This is the whole nine yards. A stitch in time same nine. Ignored that and a nine to five. Now i'm a cloud off could nine. Mum said she spends nights praying for better. Told her she ain't even got to put her hands together. Got you these new chairs, mum that's real leather. You can have anything to match, whatever the weather. Birds of a feather flock together. So i know there's trouble someplace. That not your worry, it's all mine. Right now, I'm on that straight line. She said someone could use it better. Told her charity begins at home. Now she want's to know when I'm gonna get a new woman. A burnt child dreads the fire. I want my son to be born on a monday. So he can have a fair face. Give me a daughter on tuesday. 50

Sods law, their mum lands on a friday. Loving and giving, a little bit twisted. Life i'm looking to sign up for. Quiet street, number 25. Find me and my family. Get and up to work. Stuck in traffic, no short cuts. See this is a winners ring. Baby, where's my wedding ring. See about that, errm, baby errm. May I be excused?

How many copies we talking? Hope none of them go walking. I'm directing no need to act. Just be yourself, Voodoo gang, go crazy. Let that potion, work its magic. William Shedd. Said. A ship is safe in harbour. That's not what ships are for. So let's sail, show me what you got. I'm saying, show me what you got. This is between me and you. So there's no need for a crew. Get down and dirty, get down low. Drink the mix to the bottom. Let's get to the bottom of the hour. Get six feet under, knock me dead. You got a good head on those shoulders. Got that hand behind you, pillar of strength. Let me know if i'm being a pain in the neck. One swallow doesn't make a summer. Let's go though all the seasons. Autumn leaves fall, spring to mind. Slow down in the dead of winter. Now blow hot and cold. Change it right up. Switch poses. Red knickers on those crisp white sheets. Know you want to work in politics. So I'm filming from neck down. Can't let this tape get loose. Let's talk about the art, babe. Keep silent don't say a thing. Early morning cravings. 51

We can't film that. Camera on the side, let's make that happen. Tattoo under the curve, matching my newest piece. Similar ink, keep on kissing. We're friends but this the way we celebrate. Faded for a couple days, fuck away. Turn porn to art. Then go on paint it, make it look just like this. Get everything right to scale. Put this on the cover. Let's get a little classy, watch that breast stroke. Dive into the sheets, let's explore. That hidden treasure, let's hunt. Tell me what you find, I'll show you what i found. Yeah can you feel that, is that the spot. I think you struck gold, don't stop going. Keep in touch, I want to hear from you. I'm going to home, girl. Tell me if you get there safe and sound. Shake up, mix up, follow your legs. Pluck them out of the air. You're on top of your game. Power behind the throne. So keep riding, set pace. Say my name again. Love it when you stutter. Heart skipping a heartbeat. Go on catch your breath. Now let's cut to the chase. How many more shots follow. Stick to your guns. Throw those fighting words. Let's not forget the safety one. All hell breaks loose. Between the devil and the deep blue sea. So we gone get wet and burnt. Let me see you drown in it. Ey baby, don't choke. Baptism of fire. What is this, your first time. I can burn you a copy. Review your performance. Play to the gallery. I'm not saying I'm going to show any one. But just incase some one stumbles across it. Do you want me to blur out your face. Or you want to run the risk. Fly into the face of danger. Know you'll land on your feet. Make the best use of our time. 52

Commit this to memory. Watch the light reflect off your ass. See my self in the shine. Looking so satisfied. Exercise power over. Divide and rule. Split the difference. You got some change? I got a new ball game. Wanna check it out? Pass all 3 bases. That's a home run. Got some chocolate here. Where should i sign. That right there, that's my name. Wet and sticky, hands on deck. Time for that shower. You never done this before? Get your feet wet. Camera can't really follow. You making that noise. Talking under water. Let off some steam. Go relieve yourself. Watching like a hawk. The show must go on. Done your part. Lift you right up. Land on a bed roses. That's the easy life. Press red to record. Zoom in, catch faces. While catching faces. Wipe that off, go again. This is on record. So for the record. You the fucking best.

I'm dope, man. I know you know this. Argentina, north america. All over europe. My product gets about. J.K never got anyone high. Dahl didn't make you zone for a week. HxB was potent. Now you live what i wrote. 53

Good read turned diary. Eyes red, throats dry. At your own risk. Slingshot effect. Slip between the cracks. Rock, and a hard place. Don't hold your breath. It takes two, so twos. Dope up, fade out. The green eyed monster. Fight the good fight. Weed out the competition. Get your fingers burned. Too close to home. Get what you're given. Keep popping pills. No happy accidents. Baby, I'm a rockstar. Dark spirits and cancer sticks. No man is an island. Brought a gang with me. Don't drink to get drunk. Drink for the effects. Everyones affected. Take time, mix well. Addicted to the feeling. That's the only problem. Every little helps. White and blue bags. Dose, dose, dose. Until you're blue in the face. White killing black. On that Ku klux. An acid test. Test your worth. Taste the bass. Hypodermic injection. Magic bullet theory. Born with a silver spoon. Now lets the light bottom. Only deal you the best. Smoke good, inject hard. Sniff well, swallow quick. What words can do. Leave your head feeling heavy. Fall out of life then back in. How long can you go for. One bullet each. Blow our brains out. That low, low. 54

On your knees. Pray to highest. I'll be your witness. Let me hear that confession. Holy spirit lives within. Fall from grace. Whatever, fuck it. That dirty, dirty. Crystal clear. Simple meth. Suicide bomber. Bomb this drug. Heat it, Melt it. Suck it, Inject it. Now work it out. That good side. This bad side. Squat here. Haunt those thoughts. The land of no return. This club is for life. If you ever get out. Won't change the fact you done it. Rehab won't get you clean. Don't see it, It's useless. Let's just enjoy it. No champagne. Drink out of cans. Then transform them. Make a new factory. Start the production line. I got the gear, you got the tools. You got the desire, I got the balls. If it all falls down, then we get back up. All it takes is a couple of puffs, wow. How they gonna fuck with this now. Ahh, this trip, should slow down A man in grey suit. My grey smoke suits. No light, mood set. Hungry for this this. Went from not eating. Now there's just no time. Try keep it clean. It's best dirty. Jeans off. Speakers loud. Distortion in the background. Get that back on the ground. No red carpet that hard wood. 55

Can't see the forrest for the trees. Keep barking up me. Mark your territory. Non of that R.Kelly. Can afford a hotel. This mattress will do. I'm that dope man. With your dope. Overdose baby.

Full Moon
Be who God meant you to be and you will set the world on fire I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. What the fuck i like. You went from a lover to a lost mother. Dark days, where's the morning light. I took two, I'll be alright. I'm tripped out in the twilight. Dirt clouds hide the moonlight. Scratch of a werewolf. I got that vampires bite. This is a monsters fight. You like that horror, right? Dance in the dark. This is my drum. You're about to get beat too. I'm going to call the shots. You just carry the tune. This is what we do. See that thing you're thinking of? That there is what the drugs do. You ain't alone, I'm on a trip too. Two peas in a pod, this our crew. It's feeding time at the zoo. It's a dog eat dog world. You're out on your own. Insults disguised as groans. That's a bit close to the bone. You got a heart of stone. This here is the devils throne. We're creatures of the dark. Let me see that back arch. Decepticon, i want all spark. I smell blood like a white shark. I'm looking for a warrior. You lead or me on top ya. I'm so Jekyll and Hyde. 56

From a writer to a fighter. It's about to get brighter. Burn & a shot, let's go crazy. Like those thoughts you've been having lately. I want beast not a fucking lady. Just show me something different. I'm cursed but heaven sent. I'm greedy i want this in XS. Paco Rabanne, that's my scent. Devil in what dress. Baby, i want you naked. What all this noise for? Communicate with that sixth sense. Potent. Torment. Misspent What the fuck happened to our weekend. Lost that all in the mist of the house blend. Telling everyone we're just friends. Do we really have to pretend. They'll say you're wrong. I'm bad, don't need to defend. I live the life of sin. I was lost, now i win. Where have you been. All my life. I want all the feelings. I just don't want a wife. Maybe i do. Maybe i don't. Maybe I'll change. Maybe I wont. Maybe I'll give it try. This is all a lie. I won't say yes. I won't say no. I'm just trying to be kind. Love is blind. We're entwined. Two souls combined. Just hold off the relationship. I don''t want to feel confined. I'm not trying to feed you any lies. I'm corrupting your mind. I'm far from yours. But you're all mine. Shivers down your spine. Put your neck on the line. Look at all this on the table. Snow flakes got you unstable. 57

It's dangerous but go on be free. Do anything you want to do. Let it all out, let it all out. Don't leave any doubt. That you didn't do your best. I know this is pressure. Suffer now to enjoy later. I'll deliver but i'm not waiter. I'm impatient, so the risk is greater. Let's not lose the connection. Throw more wood on the fire. Lets go up in flames of affection. No room here for reflection. Fuck the closer inspections Dreaming of it all. Subconsciousness projections. Last 3 gave me an erection. I got the dose prepped. You ready for an injection. Perfection, cross section. Objection, which direction. Crucifix, you need protection. Kill that pussy, resurrection. All these pictures, art collection. Lock the door, hand cuffs on the side. I'm the warden, House of correction. Defection, with some convection. lectionsefusion, supsections wi sm dedkw dkwed,e ked,ewd edlewd oe o3ol 333mded …………………….dddde dleod,,,,,,,,,,,,,,error. Transformation terminated.

Dirt. Filth. Sticky. Dark. Mud. Dirty. Filthy. Smut. On that dirt fade. Down for that mud gang. Drink, Drink. Eat, Eat. Smoke, Smoke. 58

It's all changed now. God bless me. On that cross over. Hi, Hi, Hi, Hi, Hi. To my crave. I want to eat, eat. Eat, Eat. That mud. Drink that filth. Double it up. World is ours for the taking. Let's take it. First show me that smut. Boom, Boom, Boom. Fuck it, then lick it. Then choke on it. Then then lick it. Again. Then suck it. Then touch it. Then kiss it. Then fuck it. Fuck it. Pour another. Mix that filth. How sticky is it. Blow that dirt. How ugly is it. Let's get scummy. Down and dirty. On top and filthy. Swallow. Chop and screwed. Who. Huh. What. When. How. Where. Mud. Mud. Mud. Bitch. Ride that fade. Ride that dick. Ride it out. Switch it up. Face look messy. Sticks and stones. Bare bones. 59

Ugly. You're melting. I'm drowning. More. More. In. Out. In. Out. Breathe Breathe Breathe Grab it. Scratch. Scratch harder. Even harder. Say it again. Fuck me. And again. Fuck me. Once more. Fuck. Me. Breathe. Switch. Spin. Go. Lower. There. There. There. There. There God is father. Son, and holy spirit. Lift it. Eat it. Kiss it. God's gift. Triangle. Make that triangle. What we need. That triangle. Make. Make. That triangle. Voodoo. Zombie Red carpet shit. Snow, snow. 60

Rain down. Dirty, dirty. Tinted off. Smoke in bottles. Mud, mud. Splash. Spill it. Lick it clean. Blow. Blow that. Blow that smoke. Eat that mud. Eat that. Eat. Kiss me. Let me taste that. Slime on your lips. Mucky tongue. Get dirty. You're foul. As. Fuck. Fuck. Me. Foul. Climb. Climb higher. Mud fade. Dirt fade. Polluted. Stain the air. Mix it wrong if you like. Drink it first. Lose. Lose it. Splatter. Fucking triangles. Line it them up. Impure thoughts. Add that nasty. Me, you and all that. That ugly shit. Potent. Poison. Throw stones. Drink sludge. Thick. Thick Slip and slide. Crowded. 61

Deep. Deeper Deep, deep. Yeah. Choke. Suck. Eat. Drink. Eat. Blow. Twist. Me and you. Add that vile. Holy trinity. Go crazy. Go crazy. Lets go crazy. Cement mixer. Screaming orgasm. Moonwalker. Teddy bear. Mud slide. Swish it. Taste it Eat more. Eat, eat. More. Lick. Lick. Lick. Lick. Lick. The middle. Then eat. That mud. Mud. Use your hands. Then lick the middle. Then eat it, eat it. Mucky highs. Dirty cross fades. Black and brown. Coughing something foul. Drinking something ugly. Slowing me down. Fuck me faster. Dirty hands. Stained face. Wipe. Wipe. 62

Wipe. Wipe. Kiss it. Then taste it. Then chew it. Then swallow. Down, down. Feel it. Feel, feel. Feel, feel. Triangles. Triangles. Cuban O's Irish licking. Belgian kisses. Mix, mix. Taste that. Mix, Mix. Taste, taste. Feel the flavour. Affects. Effects. Affected. Effected. Twisted. Lifted. Empty. Slimly. Sticky, stuck. Ugly, fucked. Sweaty, muck. Lines, three. Triangle. Follow your nose. Jump in the puddle. Roll around in mud. Slow burning fade. Fade, fade, fade. Faded the fuck out. Crossing over. Up and under. Spilling, choking. Spitting, stumbling. Holy trinity. God save me. Save, save. Save me. Holy trinity. Holy trinity. Holy trinity. 63

Save, save. Me. Me. Me. Us. Holy trinity. Holy trinity. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Holy trinity. Holy trinity. Holy trinity. Holy trinity. Holy trinity. Save. Me. Us. Us. Us. Save. Finished.

Baby, you're a star for the night Snort, drink and be merry. Never leave an empty cup. If i'm running low. Pour more. Halley's comet When will this happen again. Do your dirt. Lets fuck again. Wet it quick. Okay bring your head up. Try to keep your legs up. Blowing shapes. While you touch yourself. Find that spot for me. I'm no good, double vision. What's todays special. Tell me what you taste of. This is second to none. One day some one will remind me. Of. You. What are your beliefs? Where's your faith. 64

Mine is in the high. Drinking bubbles. Burning filth. Smokey O's Put on a show. I'm in the front row. Fly me a kiss. I'll wave back. Show me what you got. Drop. Right. Down. Face. All. The. Way. Down. Make. That. Hair. Sweep. The. Floor. Four lines for you. Back to square one. Right at the beginning. Kiss me like you missed me. Do that rain dance. Pray for a waterfall. Kiss it before you lick it. You ready for a mouthful. Don't wash it out. That'll ruin the mood. Make it chase your pride. You ready to take a ride. Let's do some simple maths. Me and you, times some dirt. Minus those clothes Now divide those legs. Blow fumes. Destroy the room. Break off. Drink up Burn boats. Red nose. Resume. Crush them in your hand. Then we throw them in the mix. Used to do it on the sofa. Finally we got a bed. 65

Free afternoons. Now we got all night. No longer a mad rush. That pace can kill. Hand prints on the window. Turn around let me take a picture. Self portrait, I saw my self in mirror. Kiss my reflection. While i hit from the back. Now you can say you've had two. Arabic whispers in your ear. You don't know what I'm saying. But it should hella real. Money for drugs. Pouring drinks down your back. Scar my neck. Give. Her. A. Reason. To. Act. You're the one right now. Show me what you got. Call me that name i like. Then. Diss. Me. When. I'm. Gone. You don't want me to leave. But you didn't know i was coming. I've come back twice. And again on the front. One dripped down. While another stayed up. Wipe your face on the sheets. I'm still in the drivers seat. I've been in the kitchen. Oh, the heat. I need to cool down. Ice from the bucket. Light the sparkler. Dazzle me. Sing. A. Dirty. Song. For. 66

Me. Sweaty as fuck. We're both a mess. Don't turn the light on. I'll find my lighter in the dark. Bottle still half-full. We got a way to go. Smoking. Muck. While. Star. Gazing. Make a wish. Now tell me. Lets make it happen. Live a little. I still need more. Before. The. Answer. To. Every. Question. Was. Because. You're. Poor. Now. Every. Question. Is. Answered. Because. I. Pour. Slow it right down. That's why i fuck faded. Never coming down. This is the high life. My life. Your life. Our life. Blacked out. I'm unable. So suck the life out of me. Let's test the suspension. Indicators going crazy. Hazard lights flashing. Hands on headrest. Your. 67

Head. Rests. On. My. Chest. Slurped kisses. Lick the excess. Don't forget the rest. Hold that spot down. You're. The. Fucking. Best. Walk on the ceiling. Hands on your neck. Yours in my back.. Vampire's whispers. Wolverine's strokes. Emotions. Running. Away. Like. Your. Make-up Love me now because time is running out. It's running straight out the door. Fucking when we aren't fucking. Mind games, we play them well. Another night. Another headache. Hangover, memory blanks. Ice tray and a hip flask. Pure, let the hit last. Fucking in hallways. No time to waste. Hands lost in your hair. Come up and get some air. This is all mine. I don't share. Blow them off. Before i cut you off. Stay free. I could call anytime. Do i want a wife or a slave. It's dark but i still see your nipple shine. Bar, ring, I can't make it out in this light. Who's first, who's last, who decides. Blow a load to see you swallow one. Let's make this night worth it. Not just another saturday. 68

Sex, drugs and red carpet dreams. Living better but still wishing. Blowing galaxies. Drinking universes. You seeing stars yet? Human lie detector. Tell the truth more often. Less lying, just stand up. Fuck you, while you touch the floor. Bend you over the table. If your legs give in. Give me notice. If you want to, give in. Fucking expensive. I got it thoe' No need to chip in. Maybe a bit more effort. You get out what you put in. I can be lazy too. Poison sipping. Stained tongue. Taste like dirt. Swap cups. Switch point of views. That means you on top. Let me take a minute. Treat me like a tourist. Mouths tell lies. That's why i like pussy. Let it speak for you. Let it speak to me. What's in your system. Me and something different. That's 5 days. I hope you ain't fertile. Or we might have a problem. Leave this convo for later. Business to finish. Meet me in shower. I want to tell you a secret. Leave your towel. You won't need it. Kiss me while the water drops. Take it 'til your pussy throbs. Let those breasts hang. Let me hold one. Let the other clap. Embrace the moment. Fuck the future. While fucking the present. 69

Candle light misty bathroom. Dry off but still wet. Pass the chalice. Pass the flame thrower. Let me touch a angel. While I embrace demons. I'm almost finished. You ready. We got a few more hours. 'Til check out. So go on. Let's do something we'll remember. Let's make history. Your story. My story. What happened in Monet suite? I'm going to take that to my grave....i hope she does too.

D.E.A.R - Landed
Ey. I hope you guys are all good? This place is amazing, got some real characters out here, I already feel at home, like a fish to water. It's got everything you could wish for, sometimes i forget I'm meant to be working, I've been out a few times already, proper decent night life out here, the women aren't too bad either, met one or two, nothing serious thoe' I love the mental stimulation I’ve been getting recently, long conversations, debates, theories, trips out, similar passion and desire with feelings, truth & 70

craves on the table, love it. The jobs going okay, I think I'm better than a lot of the people around me, I think I'm in line for a promotion already, I could do with the money, the drinks and stuff are expensive as fuck. I hope you guys are all keeping well, I've not really heard from a lot of people but I've been told a few dudes are annoyed at me for not saying individual good byes and such or even telling them my plan. I tried call a few others but some didn't pick up my calls, I can understand that thoe', Some people are hurt and shit, It's cool, i hope they don't let it come between us. I got some busy months ahead of me, talk when we can.

Lamborghini Club
Went from dreaming about Monet's suite To spending nights in Monet's suite. All these drinks i can't pronounce. Just drink 'em cah it's part of the life. She loves the arab blend. So it's sheikh over dieu. Turn east london into Abu dhabi. Money won't last, so live lavish. Train to Paris for something to eat. Tipping everyone i meet. Jimmy the gent. On a murder spree. No victims ever named. Kill 'em once, twice. 71

After the 3rd, get a new one. Omne trium perfectum. So babes never get 4. I got that license. Tell 'em I'm Timothy Dalton. The living daylights. Got one on the rise. I call her Turkish delight. Traded in the future mums. For the future cover girls. Bottom of their shoes matching the carpet. They know to work it. Age old wine and pink note salad. They got that expensive taste. Pineapple dipped in crystals. Now she's onto me. Hardly got to feed her. Glass ceiling, glass walls. So self aware, do your worst Penthouse, throw stones. Confidence mistaken for arrogance. Overflow of pride will keep you poor. So i kept my mine in check. Ain't stopped signing blanks since. Telling me i can have whatever i like. It's all on the expense. Spent days listening to.. Dreams money can buy Now I spend time living... Dreams, words made true. Party with the wrong sort. It's not that they don't know me. I just don't know them. Industry faces a blur. Like the last two weeks. Room looking like it was greeted by a hurricane. I'm not messy just no space for it all. Engagements every night. Never know what to wear. Eye of the fucking storm. Where it all began. Confused to why i never left it. Now I'm walking with it. I'm living for the moment. Highs never last. So when i come crashing down. I know it was worth it. I don't drive what they drive. Or live where they do. But I'll rent my way there. 72

What they have for life. I have for the night. Sitting in the limelight. Of their gold bottles. So i can feel close to it. Friends ask where i am. Or what I'm into now. Black privacy glass and labels. I don't know anymore. Old girls asking when I'm going to holla. When I'm down, I'll hit you up. Till then high here is where I'm living B. Grey niggas asking me when I'll bring 'em When they decide if they're black or white. No halfway niggas when it's do or die. Couple old teachers asking for my number. Tell what they said about my grades They will never get it. Some want to talk my progress. Like they was the catalyst. Even if they were Credit ain't free. Most want to see me fall. So they can say i told you so. What the fuck is my secret. How the fuck did I get it like this. I deny it all, I don't know success. From an enthusiast to a member. Got my eyes set on that. Wait till i hang a bull of my keyring. For now, I Just want to make B' fly.

Black Tie
Yeah. Celebrated my failure. Don't so biased. Make some noise for my success. Time is always fickle. So you could always side again. Said and done. Talked a little bit more than i should have. Playing catch up with shit i said. Off the radar, went to the races. Now everywhere i look i see white faces. Never look a gift horse in the mouth. So I put the cart before the horse. Now everything is in the wrong order. I haven't been lost for words since. 73

Coins loud, paper silent. So, silence is golden. As quiet as a church mouse. If God did not exist… It would be necessary to invent him. So I let the devil take the hindmost. Now they think i sold my soul. My wrong doings giving them life. My breakdown is their party piece. Ever needed anymore motivation. Their cake isn't worth the candle. Did Karma have a change of heart. All it took was sweetness and light. Now we're basking in the lime of it all. Its a party, not a celebration. Tuxedos and evening gowns. A wise man said cut according to your cloth. So i started with coat tails. They ain't got a free ride. The train of a wedding dress. Always the brides main. They are never the bride. Standing at the alter marrying my love. They ask where my friends are. I don't know, I don't even care. They ain't here. Because they was never there Those faces that have stayed familiar. Everything and more. Those who turned into strangers. I won't wait nor will i mourn The bouquet and garter toss. So it's certain to be someone worthy. Its crazy. This life is crazy. Face down ass up. Sex and cocktails. This life is too live. Wish you was here… You're the haze, I'm the blur? It's been a while. Since i encountered a loyal woman. Shit, just isn't the same anymore. New ones are all fur coat and no knickers. Gave them the power they craved. Crumbled under it all. I love it when they're loud with me. I hate it when they're loud in public. No baby it's not just sex. Well for them anyway. I try tell them but it falls on deaf ears. 74

In a stage whisper they ask me shit. How hard is it to strike a balance. I'm standing on pride rock. Looking out at it all. In the land of the blind. The one eyed man is king. Fool's leading fools. Weak minded led by influence. I couldn't live in that kingdom. Destined for something more. Went to a far new land. Wishing to honour the worthy. Me and my knights on the round table. It's weird because i feel i found Lancelot. Trying to rewrite, le Chevalier de la Charrette. That's not how my dream goes. As insane as it sounds. I'm not insane. Black shoes Bow ties. HxB till the end. Red Carpet Dreams. How we got here. Is how we will leave. With or without you. With or without. Too many thoughts. Burned one too many. The company was worth it. Not a poet. Just talk with eloquence. Get it how you live. This will take some getting used too. End of the night. That red carpet babe. Those pretty heels. That key to a brand new everything. Lets unlock it. Strange feelings.

Blue Blood
White powder in her fucking nose. Fuck 'em on business the wife never knows. Kept it separate, never overdose. Dark boxers so it never shows. Fuck her hard. Fuck her light. Fuck her till she lose balance. 75

Fuck her on her tiptoes. Make her walk a tightrope. Stick her on the wall. Admire that art. Then tear it down. Graffiti artist mess it all up. Reload, cock back. They spray again. Tag her breasts. I know it's real. I got that tec 9. You got that mac. Let's have a shoot out. Smudge that make up. Ahh look i won. There's no accounting for taste. So if she don't like it. I'll tell her spend more. Then prepare for an evasion. Go hard in that shit. Raid that pussy, fight crime. Superman, batman, spiderman. Shoot a fucking web. String her up. Fuck her in the air. Leave like a hanger on the rail. Take the plane out. Land that on the tracks. Two things that ain't to be. So the fuck is this meant to be. No leaks thoe'.....no leaks. This between A and B. so only i get to see. only her gets the D' I like, don't love her. So i let her pop E's Fade out to Weezy F. No kissing baby. Tonight I'm a fucking G. Know she H, how I treat her. If it wasn't for me... She'd be on her J's So all this is K. You get my drift? Ring her up, she meet me there.. Come a few times, leave once. King on some royal shit. Affections overrated. You want shit, Then you dream shit 76

Then get shit. Then you live shit. Get high then she get low. I just want some inspiration. She on those red bottom dreams. I just want a babes for every other night. Drinking more than we celebrate. Burning more than we forget. Coughing something foul. Think I lit a bad batch. Said some shit now i live by it. Drink, drink, smoke, smoke. Haze team, Blur crew. Got tired of fucking hoes. So i got a good girl. Kept her close. Nothing costs nothing. So i will pay. When she's out for me. She'll be out for blood. Mines rich, in noble form. Said I would, now look. Bloawwwwwwwwwwww

Ahh. Let's get busy. Cast that spell. Twist up. Work your magic. Black cats & cauldrons. Dance around the fire. I'm on a witch hunt. That demon drink. Better a devil i know Than the devil i don't. So do your worst. Make time freeze. Let's walk on thin ice. We're snowed in. Help yourself. Use my twenty. Go on be nosy. Get on that ski slope. Then we go down. I'll drink you under. The same table I'll lay you on. That voodoo, your voodoo. 77

Which voodoo, this voodoo. Our voodoo, that voodoo. Hit me with that voodoo. Cross tracks, switch tracks. You was trained for this. Write me a letter. Then send it off. Will it get to me. Will it get lost. Or you too scared to post it. I want the naked truth. You're wearing too much. Dance for me barefoot. Drink that potion. Run from your lips. Down to your toes. Keep on dancing. You afraid of the dark? It's almost lights out. Candle burning at both ends. So we best make good. A magic moment. A magic touch. Whats the magic word? My name spells trouble. Don't make me spell it out. That voodoo, your voodoo. Which voodoo, this voodoo. Our voodoo, that voodoo. Hit me with that voodoo. Hard act to follow. Hard to swallow. No hard feelings. You're tough as nails. My back bares witness I'm the judge and you're guilty. Going to lock you up for the night. Save you for a rainy day. April showers bring may flowers. Turn this room into a garden. Keep watering, don't stop. If feelings don't grow. Just walk away. This is a bitter pill. Only got to take it once. Don't come back for more. This is a pilot we can cancel. If it don't work out for the best. I will stop filming right now. Cut short this episode short. 78

But you don't want do you. We can go long. Conjure something wicked. This isn't just folklore. Let's make history. This will be our story They'll talk about this. Think it's a myth. We'll both know the truth. This is supernatural. You're my lucky charm. So protect me or let me suffer. That voodoo, your voodoo. Which voodoo, this voodoo. Our voodoo, that voodoo. Hit me with that voodoo. Paranormal behaviour. Our own little cult. Ceremonial magic. Dress to impress. Black everything. I'll come hooded up. A rush to the brain. Wear that blood lingerie. I'll bring the sweat. The tears will find their way. Red is the new black. So look the part. Killer heels, murderer on the loose. Welcome to Transylvania, I'm Dracula. I will be your host, I know just where to bite. Beware of the wolves and other ghastly creatures. I'm the real deal, the real fucking deal. My castle is your new home. See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Eyes closed, music blaring, finger on your lips. Make sure you scream that evil when i let you. Man and woman possessed. This is black and white. Our bodies black and blue. I'm not as black as painted. My past is a necessary evil. Don't take a dim view. I know you see it how i see it. Let's crash and burn. Then add fuel to the flames. This drink is flammable. We've been spilling all night. How careless, can we be. Bare your heat and soul. 79

With my bare hands. Strip you down to bare bones. More skeletons for the closest. I won't tell, if you won't. I see you lick your lips. Let me lick you into shape. Far from high and dry. Just say that curse. Under your breath. That voodoo, your voodoo. Which voodoo, this voodoo. Our voodoo, that voodoo. Hit me with that voodoo. Voodoo, Voodoo, Voodoo. That voodoo. That voodoo. Voodoo, Voodoo, Voodoo.

I know the house rules. But, baby keep those heels on. I'm drinking till i can't feel my face. Got this potion. Know its potent. Head in the pillow. Leave your face on the sheets. Get twisted then twist up. Till you're red in the face. Pop till i move on my own. Lord have mercy. Get two faced. Wipe my smile off. Can't waste this fade. Clean and fucking dirty. Tongue in cheek. Taste what i taste. Know you're nosey. So it's Head or tails. What's first. What's last Let your hair down. Let's make that music. Make use out that piano. Black ass, white keys. All eyes and ears. Make that noise. Pull your hair Shed a tear. Bite that lip. 80

Let me see. Chin up. Brace face. Up to your neck. Embrace this embrace. Twist up, leave you in a brace. Cover up the teeth marks. How we bit the bullet. You jumped the gun. Licking while you whisper. Out with the game plan. Playing by ear. You can take the lead. I'm off my face. Leave me a note in the morning. Sign it with your name. So I know you was here. Take control, It's my day off. I'm just here for the ride. Take me for a spin. Wrap that hair round my fist. It might end up on the floor. Or this might hurt like hell. I'm white boy wasted. I don't know my own strength. You didn't even bat an eye lid. See the way you take pain. Love the way you say my name. What's what the destination. Tell me where you want to go. I'll just steer this ship. Chain of command. Mr President's incapacitated. So tonight you're in charge. How we gonna do it girl. Where we gonna go girl. How we gonna finish girl. Those visuals never done you justice. It look's better in person. Can't see that well. Looking through clear bottles. Vodka and dew. So peak. Edge of the bed. Pour drink. Glass jaw. You can do it. Don't give in. Keep on going. Take that lace off. 81

Reading lips. Mine are sealed. Let's not mix flavours. That don't mean you didn't do well. You're my wishing well. Throw in some change. Close my eyes and make a wish. You make it happen. Nothing ever comes up. Well begun is half done. Still a long way to go. Not gonna catch a wink. Of sleep tonight. An eye for an eye. I'm not going blind. So you'll have to miss out. Drink up, no need to eat out. Face the consequences. Of your actions. A kick in the teeth. Cat got your tongue. Let it all out, let it all out. Don't cut your own throat. The blur make you regret. Don't lose face, cah your face off.

I'm on my way to you. I'll be there before you know it. Plane comes down with the sun. Fit me in so i can fit me in. This isn't L-O-V-E. Let's crush for the night. Let me crash for the night Doze off in New York, wake in London. Don't worry about me I'll make my flight. I'm in new york with you. What we going to do. We could go out or i could come in. Leave you with a piece of me. Hold that so i'm never gone. Tourists leaving souvenirs. Keep on taking photos. Just trying to get some inspiration. Good head, good drink, light conversation. Cross fade know i can make that happen. I'm in your city, so find us something to do. A few minutes, hold on, mix this potion. 82

You may be another mans woman. You're not there and he's not here. So it's neither here nor there. Do everything you want to do. Ciroc and cranberry with a splash of Patron. It's all about attention to detail. So I'm paying it all to you. Time difference got us messed up. Slow kisses bridge that gap. Know that i love that. Out in here in new york. All I've seen is your room. All i want is in plain view. Sober lows and elevated highs So go on and drink till the room spins So go on and put those heels on You're taller than me for the night. That's okay for now. Sooner or later you're going to come right down. When you come up, I'll still hold you in high regard. Tonight we're in New York city. So what you want to do? What do you want to! Slow down let's capture the moment. It's all art at the end of the day. Slow, how slow can you be? Smelling like wood fire. I took the same drugs you took. So if you do it, i do it too. We're in New York city, let's go crazy. What you want to do, just tell me. I'm feeling you the way you're feeling me. Black girls who sound like white girls. Said you'd hate it if you lost me. So i took the first flight out. Let's make it a night to remember. Do everything you need to do. Everything you crave to do. Be who ever you want to be. Tonights your night, be free. Go ahead, go on be a freak. A word of this will never leave this room. The tape and card will stay with you. So let yourself go for the night. Dance 'til your feet hurt. Neck 'til your jaw aches. Fuck 'til you feel the burn. Smile 'til your cheeks pain. Love 'til your heart breaks. Blow hot on the back of your neck 83

Blow cold when i'm back home. So freeze this in memory. When you walk down that lane. Drink one for the road. Have a good trip. Where do you want to go. A different night. A different spot. Anywhere you want. Tonight we're in New York. Tomorrow night is a mystery. Chase me or I'll chase you. As long as we both know. A dream come true. Think about then tell me. Help me, make it reality Then we'll shoot it. Keep it for memory. Feel safe there. That escapism. I'm with you for the night. In the morning tell me how it went. What we done, where we went. Anything is possible as long as you dream it. Any dress, any designer make. Limo rides, star treatment, butlers and chauffeurs. Whatever you want any thing you like. This is a world of make believe. If you got a idea say it aloud, see it roll out. You're so far but not tonight. Cloud walking, sky surfing. Meet me there, X marks the spot. All we got to do is connect the dots. When you wake in the morning. Tell me how it all went. Tell me how it went. You'll be in your city. While I'm in mine. See you again in my dreams

Ey, hello, madam, i know it's been a while. I know you've been thinking about me. We haven't spoken in a minute. I've been busy didn't even have a minute. To spare, to let you know how i been. How you been, everything going well. All this small talk is necessary. 84

I always hit you up around this time. Your hand on my hand, we're so alike. My body-clock is your body-clock. We can work against it. Try beat the clock, race against time. Come early or we can cut it fine. Set alarm bells ringing. Turning it inside, out. Can't say you miss me. Pride too big take a moment. Break into little pieces then swallow. We're trying to live for those moment . If you're straight we can play this game. Just say what you got to say. Maybe it will be on the cards. Faint heart never won fair lady. Never scared to say whats on my mind. Do i look the type to deal with maybes. Lend your money and lose your friends. So why you banking that I'm fucking all of them. With friends like those, who needs enemies. To be fair i wouldn't put anything past them. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. They can friend zone me, I'm a fucking dyke. I like the same women that they like. If you can't beat them, join them. We're lusting after the same women. I'm not saying i will fuck you like your man. I'll fuck you something different. I'll have you singing a whole new tune. Him and me, clear as night and day. My last name tickles your fancy. Baby, understand I'm a funny lover. We got to drop out all this monkey business. Blowing green when money don't grow on trees. Keep on coming like garden weeds. Rich men's joke are always funny. Laugh all the way to the bank. Place everything me, I'm on the money. You can bet your life on me. I'll be at the curtain call. Winner takes all. Come claim your prize. Fool and his money are soon parted. I don't believe in divorce. So that'll never happen. If you don't say yes. You'll never make it the alter. Come hell or high water. Never cross the shallow stream. 85

I'll still be where be. Beauty is skin deep. My life is simple. You're my stroke of genius. Lightening does not strike twice. So I'm trying to keep fucking the same one. Because you won't cum the same way more than once. Easier said than done but how does that grab you. Let me sign you in, A step in the right direction. Running we didn't even learn how to walk. It's better to travel hopefully than to arrive. Bad news travels fast so we got to meet it. Lay it all on these fresh sheets. Then we roll and burn them up. Bare skin on that bare mattress. Ring the bell, I'm not calling. I'm not interested in the back door. All i wanted to know if your clit wants to play out. Saying something inside got you excited. I think you just want something inside you. Look outside and dream with me. Stay inside and wake up. Just agree and let's shake on it. Compliment you on those boots. Love the way you move in them. They said the world was flat. Now look at the way it goes. We can go around the bend. Square the circle. You got my number. Just let me know. We can go crazy. Go crazy.

Knock. Knock, Knock. Knock, Knock, Knock. Can you hear that? Something crazy I feel it, You feel me? That voodoo gang. Motion blurring. Heat hazing. Don't open the door. What's on the other-side. You'll live long. If you ignore it. 86

Don't let me in. These lust issues. Back with a vengeance. About to run wild. Your back against the wall. I'm bouncing off them. I've been on it. I got this urge. The mission is on. I got this crave. My search begins now. You got what i want. Drink up. Make sure you save me some It's not just sexual. Overly mental. Taste dirty. That's the way i burn. Lock that door. Put the chain on. If i come in. Blood will fall. I'll spill your guts. Make you say it all. Move in for the kill. Window of opportunity. Keep that shut. Walk the floor. Nervous as can be. You know what's up. I'm bloodthirsty. If you open. I'll kill you. Take your soul. Leave you empty. So save yourself. Modus operandi. It happens all the time. I've abstained for so long. I'm serial, ever so serial. I'm the man of the year. Don't make me, lose it all. I don't want to kill no more. I can't stop myself. So start digging your grave. Throw all proof in the furnace. Lower that casket. Bury your pride and conscious. We won't be need those. Only you, only you. 87

Fuck that bravado. It won't help. Accept your fate. Not what i planned. I got to do with what i'm given. You're just a victim. Of my terrible ways. You ain't the first. Maybe the last. I'm trying to kick it. That cross fade. Those dirt tracks. These long drives. Don't rely on karma. I've fucked her twice. She's still blowing off my line. So it's all you, all you baby. Hate me, then love. Then hate me and love me. No feelings will ever stop me. Watch me get away with it. Cry bloody murder. Scream till you're blue in the face. Any last words. I'm going to torture. Torture your mind. No pleasure, without pain. You're high off my supply. Drugged up, so it will be easy. Leave you lifeless. A fate worse than death. We can fight to it, You can try. You can't kill my dreams. My dreams can kill you. You're far from my type. I'm nowhere near yours. See you itching. To get a fix. You ain't getting anymore dope. I creeped into your thoughts. Now you're on the edge. You need the kiss of life. Taste the grim reaper on my lips. You got to die, to live a bit more. I want to see you beg. Beg for your life. Get on your knees. Show me how much you want to live. I know you take it all down. So take it down, take it all down. 88

I want to see you overdose. On the floor, choking. Ice cubes and tall glasses. Make a toast, to you. See you wet. Don't sort it out. We're about to get into it. I've perused, watched you. I know you've been watching. Hoping i'll pursue, don't run. Now it's time to end the chase. We're about to do something. You're the one i want. The one i want. Last gasp. 11 strokes. Past 11.

What's yesterday to today. Champagne showers. Too late to ask you if you want me. Now you're wondering what it's like to need me. You could kiss me on the cheek. Or. Not leave your room for a week. Don't feel no way to love me. Couple already have. One more won't hurt. Double edged sword. Not by a long shot. Down your Jägerbomb. Forget today, tomorrow. More drinks please, more drinks. Pour this Grey goose down your chest. I'm just being honest. Clear as crystal. See through the vodka. See this for what it really is. This is a private party. Let your hair down. Give me a free reign. Ever had a threesome? Me, you and Mr Jack Daniels. We about to get dark. Fade to black. I got some Courvoisier. Napoleon the first. 89

House of Bonaparte. Fly out to Malibu. First class seats. Wray and nephew. Can come along for the ride. Drop that balloon. I got a few black beauties. You're a speed freak. How high you looking to get. I'm mr candyman. Come to the factory. Let's go coasting. I'm a heavy burner. Ice cream habit. On a trip. Rainbows. You can be my snow bird. Stick and stoned. Hit that high. Mind how you step. Watch out for the trip. Angel dust, get your wings. You can chase the dragon. By yourself. China white. I'd rather be clean. Give me that hip-hop. Meet me on the comedown. You got that jet-lag. You been dosing too much. Joy pop like me. 'til you hit an iceberg. Captain Morgan lead the way. Black russians, White russians. We're far from racist. Everyone's welcome. Screwdrivers, go easy. You can be bad. Under the hammer. Hit the nail on the head. I'm too good to blame my tools. Let me build you up something cute. Tower of strength. Bulldoze your way through. Just me and you on this island. Two bottles of rum, Appleton sisters. A few bottles of patron, All Saints. Stay in high spirits and holy smoke. Four sheets in the wind. Losing that balance. 90

Walking slow. Long draw. That pace. Red eye. Wink once. Give a sign. In the blink of an eye We can go get it. Put on a brave front. I got your back. No thorns in the side. Mixers and pre-rolled. Look and do touch. Neck bites and low kisses. Dosing in private. Red ropes guard us off. Jump the waiting list. Toe the line. Ask once, do it twice. If you like, make it three. No pressure, feel free. Skate on thin ice. Two cups, one bottle chilling. Table white as snow. Expensive flakes. Catch a cold. Nose to tail. Close the deal. Judge non, trust more. On and off 'til we blow a fuse. Keep your finger on the pulse. Until you get the shock of your life. Ride shotgun with the top off. I'm ready to bite bullets. Wax it all but leave a strip. That's how we skin a cat. I'm for that lions share. Divide and conquer. The graveyard shift. Their heads down. While we drink up. Voodoos first. Zombies second. Green fairy last. Face goes numb. Lick of work. Suck you in. Bite back. Do everything now. We won't remember tomorrow. 91

So how will we able to regret. Don't stop taking pictures. They will come handy. When we're trying to piece it all. Trying to make it all make sense. Twisted with lemon slices. Lime and crushed ice. Drink till its done. Then pour some more. Burn 'til it touches fingers. Draw a fresh one from the pack. Make it kiss the flames. Hold your medical pack. This is our night.

It's that day. Problem child. On some drunk shit, let's touch base. Fire floating on drinks we down. Flaming Lamborghini. This is arson. Zombie and voodoo. They gone follow. Look how slow i move. Last name never first. We pay for that service. Work hard for everyone to know your name. Spend all that pay so no-one ever sees you. Champagne life on a ginger beer wage. It's insane because all this is borrowed. Especially this body we're abusing. Burning the midnight oil. I'm the commodore, we're on the nightshift. One hand for myself and one for the ship. This runs in the family. A mile off a marathon. People think it's easy. Think all we do is drink. Fuck and smoke a little. They take victory from silence. Argumentum ad Ignorantiam. Say nothing when expecting something. My girl said, well i mean my ex. Little things please little minds. So love over every thing. Even though I'm any other. To her anyway, anyway. 92

The devil is in the detail. So i threw God into it. I'm all over that small print. Hang on every word. Pull a rabbit out of the hat. Run with the hare and hunt with the hounds. Lived a little now everyones baying for blood. I keep getting damned with faint praise. Only a few sing a pretty song for me. Got lost on Freitag, woke up on monday. Never ever planning to retire. My aspirations are a lifestyle. My work is my life, my life is my work. Having nightmares of wearing a rolex. Driving a brand new ferrari off a cliff. Time is money, scared of losing control. Hold the same cup for the whole night. Rinse it out then fill it right up. How good can you mix? Cause a stir. Go crazy. Take a dirt nap. Wake up, finish whatever's left. Furniture bumping into us. The world don't stop spinning. While our heads swim. Unfamiliar towns. I'm from the big city. Can't stop paying visits. Don't spend it all in one place. Since I heard that I'm hardly home. Move fast because I travel alone. Off the beaten track, walk light. My day, your day, It's the 25th. This day we celebrate. Give birth to a good time. Confession is good for the soul. This isn't a party, It's public intoxication. So say what you got say before I'm sober. Just started my third decade. Success is a figment of your imagination. I just enjoy all that comes with it. Rise to the occasion. Clink wine glasses. This is the gang. Leading the way. Do what we like. How many times have i broke the fourth wall. Take on a new significance Like a breath of fresh air. 93

Strain for an effect. Play fast and loose. Cut both ways. Live this 365. Not just a day. Ink it anyway. XXV.

The Shrine
Party. Drinks. Flash. Smoke. Short skirts. Bottles. Dance. Broken flutes. Shots. Kiss. Wraps. Pole. Drinks. Sick. Splash. Cruise. Fuck. Sleep. On that dirt fade. Wise man said never fuck a fan. Now she's everywhere i am. I'm never home anymore. She seems to never go. Everywhere i perform. Sided off what i burnt. Tripping off what i drunk. We have never shared a cup. Yet we're stuck in the same mud. When we are lands apart. She knows my life. I don't know her name. She says she supports me. She writes saying she's my biggest fan. So many messages, i read 'em when i can. Sometimes i forget, sometimes. She's been there from the start. She's seen the rise. Red eyes. Sort throat. 94

She still sees. She still screams. Asking for a shout out. I'm too burst to remember Hoping for guest-list for my next. She has to pay on the door. I don't know but she wants me. Thoughts on how she can change me. Buying drinks just to ruin the floor. Stumbling in and out. Last months pay. Lost it all black. Elbows on the table Thinking about it all. It was good before. Everything is different. The feelings are just the same. Blowback, taking it all down. Sneaking into where we're at. Talking things i always hear. See something special in her eyes. Basic or great, I don't care. Just leave an impression. I leave with an imprint. She leaves with my number. She's in the circle. She spins on the pole. Full frontal nudity. Let me take a picture. Fuck me like you love me Leave me like you hate me. One behind my ear 'til i'm ready to light it. This arrangement is alright for the night. Morning comes with reality. Back to business. She calls. Number diverted. She can't understand. Working even when I'm not. Jet packs. Train tracks. Star shine. Whirlpool. Magic beans. Holy water. Horseback. Chinese burn. Another day, another night. Emotion makes better art. So I'm living what i feel. 95

Doing whats in my heart I'll break yours. Go and get a deal. Late nights hear her crying. Saying she maxed out. Two notes will cover it. Asking if i've got any new work. She's wants to get inspired. She'll blow for a feature. She said she's already cut herself twice. A bad batch or a bad mix. She's too far gone. Late travels to save her. Then my eyes bleed. Candles and dolls. My words all over the wall. She wrote them in liquid love. She sits and says this what i done. I turned her into this. She slaps me but i don't feel. I'm numb from the sight. She said I'm cold. I tell her i'm dirt free. I didn't dose to see you. She tells me to line her three. I wipe her board clean. She loses it all. Saying that's her last bit. I need to top her up. I don't side that way. I'm all for the tide. I'm all for the tornado. Never will i touch the snow fall. Now she's begging for a special. She's lost it all, lost it all. I tell her not to do nothing stupid. She tell's me to leave her alone. Cab rides, rain hitting the window. Void on my mind, blood on my hands. Dark days, empty feelings. Fireworks in the background. Lost track of time. I'm off the rails. Phone ringing. And ringing. And ringing. and ringing. Deeper and deeper. Cracking and twisting. Closed off from the world. 96

Cooking up something new. Watching out the window. Looking for inspiration. New scents on my pillow. I'm feeling like i felt before. Yet nothing looks the same. Drinking from the bottle. Even longer showers. Double dose. Back to performing. Back to where i belong. Lightning flashes. Evergreen trees. Pearl neckless. Soaked seats. Frosted glass. Smoked out. Avalanche. Fresh dirt. Smut. Initials on their hearts Walking on flames. Living on the other side. Don't disturb signs. One way love. Knock on the door. Unexpected voice. She's saying she needs me. She's saying she's clean. She wants to give it another go. She's shaking, missing the dose. I tell her to go home, clean up. She wants to know who I'm with. She don't believe, she's a mess. Saying i owe answers. I made her who she is. Now, all she wants to do is watch. She'll be happy in the shadows. She can't live with out. She just can't have it all. I can't give her what she came for. I'm in a different time zone. I can't be there with you. You either have me or you don't. You can't have pieces. Make that sacrifice or stay outside looking in. You was bad but left all this. She says i left her to die. All she wanted was some attention. I tell her you got what you wanted 97

Hope you celebrated that victory. How long did it last for anyway. Before the truth kicked in. I'm sorry but i got to kick you out.

Happy Belated
They said watch for the side effects. Advice from the emotional wrecks. Down, toke, snort, then fuck all night. Honestly what else did you expect. Dropped one because she liked to inject. I mean i'm all for getting wrecked. But not my on my watch, no way. I'm too gone to be charged with neglect. Baby have some fucking self respect. You're smashing other guys trying to make me jealous. That isn't the only way, don't know who you're trying to impress. I know you got a whole load of feelings you're trying to express. Blaming me for the state you got yourself in. Acting on every piece i release. You feeling that oppressed? I've not hit you up in some time. Is that why you're feeling depressed? You're wishing for things you don't mean. You can't curse what God has blessed. You think i love you, how come i haven't confessed? I'm way gone, way gone, time to regress. Go back to that lonely state. I fucked with your feelings. Now you're calling me a rapist. I told you it would never happen. You should not have waited. Told everyone that we dated. I hope that story got you rated. The truth that still up for debate. Where the sentence at, I'm still waiting. Audhu Billahi Minashaitanir Rajeem. Go on learn the meaning, get it translated. Gas now or you feeling deflated Amazing reactions, when you're hated. Thats what happens when they feel like you're dictating. They claim they they ain't being rude, just saying. I don't recognise this monster they seem to have created. It's been about 3 days I've been on the phone. They asking why i kept letting her in my home. Why the fuck has everyone one got an opinion. Everywhere where look I see moaning. They say they can't condone. 98

I just wish the vultures would leave me alone. Glass house residents throwing stones. Dosed up, in the fucking zone. I held my own. Watch your tone. I'm not famous. Just well known. Still dealing with the unknown. The places i've been flown. Now I'm with a red bone. She smells of my cologne. She gives good dome. Fuck a throne. Jealously and hate are interrelated. Waiting with their breath bated. The same person they slated. Now i get messages saying happy belated. Happy belated, I'm glad you made it. Happy belated, I'm glad you made it. Happy belated, I'm glad you made it. Happy belated, I'm glad you made it. Happy belated, I'm glad you made it. Happy belated, I'm glad you made it. Happy belated, I'm glad you made it. Happy belated, I'm glad you made it. Bitches asking me questions about other bitches. Talking to me, giving orders, telling me to make shit happen. Huh? I'm just trying to live straight but they keep flicking switches. They ask how many others are sending pictures. Baby, i can't tell you that because one day you'll be snitches. Mix my own because i'm surrounded by witches. Play your role or get off my pitch. I'm in control got my hand on the stick. I said it before i like my women thick. Look at the house i built. Friendships used as bricks. My dream is collapsing. Give me a kick. I don't see what you're seeing. Where these bitches on my dick. I always got pussy on my tongue. So they ask if i lick. Nah, I just find it fascinating. Thats why i like to talk about it. If you got what i got Believe, you'd write about it . The pussy or the talent. Sounding so conceited. It's just he way i get treated. 99

Long trips where the seats are heated. Handshakes, last names when I'm greeted. They ask how many times I've cheated. When they look in my phone all the messages are deleted. I don't believe in karma, good comes, bad chases. Then it's repeated when the last is completed. They say i lost out on their love. I ask when the fuck did i need it? With or without you, I'd still do this shit. Guys from the past saying they helped. I've done all this by myself. All these vices aren't good for my health. Crazy because I'm trying to make a living. Ironic, how many icons die with wealth. I can't keep blaming it on the stress. She's always naked. Constantly getting undressed. I can't keep saying i don't like her dress. Bunch of dudes moving obsessed. My generation of males are yesterdays bitches. They'll never accept, they'll never confess. You can't suppress success. I just want to make progress. Young women make good fans. I have many fans. They're there when i land. I love an older woman. They always have plan. Youngest old man. Worst attention span. They say they love the confidence. When they go they say hated confidence. Everything i do, they got that two cents. What's all this hatred, I'm tired of pretence. Always on trial, wheres my defence. Day dreams of seeing my name on times square. Mums said if you don't know know what to say. Just recite the lords prayer. Power move after power move. To their despair. I've been here for a while. They'll pretend they wasn't aware. Their smiles hide their tears. They gave up every right. So they know i won't share. Life is never fair. Got my eyes on one thing. When you're ready to declare. Happy belated, I'm glad you made it. Happy belated, I'm glad you made it. 100

Happy belated, I'm glad you made it. Happy belated, I'm glad you made it. Happy belated, I'm glad you made it. Happy belated, I'm glad you made it. Happy belated, I'm glad you made it. Happy belated, I'm glad you made it.

I'm on that fade. Everything moves so slow. I'm don't even see half of the messages I'm supposed to. It's a shame i never get jealous. What am i supposed to be missing. I'll sign your signs with my own. Videos in that HD. Press play. I'm your past. I never saw a future with you. Check my present. Who does it remind you of? Last time i checked. I was happy. How long you been sad for? I don't mind the blame. Some one will make me forget it. Kick me out your thoughts. I'll have another place to call home. The grass is always greener. How's the view? You been looking back here. Is there something you forgot? Why didn't i love you the way you loved me. Mull that question over. You still claiming you made me? Damn, which one was for you. More a shadow than a lover. See you there behind me. I'm addicted to a few things. Non of them were you. You're trying to find a reason. What's the answer to my silence. Those made up scenarios make you feel better. Out of sight, out of mind, how come i'm at the forefront. Let me make history, you can read about it. Drugs don't change people. It unmasks them. So i was always real. You followed me right down. 101

This hole, difference is i've been here before. Home is where the heart is. Mine follows the high. Shop 'til you drop. Will that make up it up for you miss? Hurt leads to bitterness, and bitterness to anger. If you travel too far down that road, the way back is lost. I don't even know who said that but it makes sense. Make me your biggest antagonist. It's easier than forgetting i exist. Even though that's not easy. Count up your options. Not that many left. You really want win. You're not ready to lose. You said I didn't let you. Why did you let me stop you? Try make me something that I'm not. I'll stay everything that I am. When it's good, It's great. It's easy to forget where you came from. Now it's back to basics, It all comes flooding back. Everyday you say i see I seem a little bit off. Ever thought that you're the who's expired. Hanging on, love the way you've been abseiling. I'm not over my past difference is that i own it. You're obsessed with something that forgets you exist. Always thinking theres a hidden message. How long you been looking. How comes you still ain't found it. You and a glass of red wine. The only one who ever understood you. Re-reading things i said. Just so it feels familiar. Everyone else enjoying your spoils of war. An enemy just because they bypassed. You feel like you're being held for ransom. Spent it all so now you can't pay it. Crazy thoughts run wild. You're willing to comprise. Ready to settle for nothing. So you can feel something. Sex won't make me love you. You can stop offering. You just want attention. Let me run you bath. Or would you prefer to shower in it. As easy as i can give it. Is as easy as i can take it. Don't get it twisted. 102

You can't do everything i can do. Did you really buy that? There's no equality when it comes to feelings. Your soul seems to be on fire. Expecting me to put it out. Not a pretty picture I'm painting. You still want to be an art collector? Web of lies, you never stopped spinning. I never started believing. Now you're all tangled. Those love songs never do you right. Why do you continue to listen. You're dosing alone. The effects seem different. Reading into everything you're seeing. Now you can't stop believing. I've not said a word. You've already wrote the story. Tell me how it goes. Any girl you see me with. Is automatically a hoe. I've been gone for a while. Where the fuck have i been. I don't need to explain myself to you. That don't stop you asking. Knowing you won't get an answer. You always want something. I'm good with some space. You say, you're tired of being in like with me. No one forced you. You still want to turn that like into love. Imagine, i divorced you. If it feels like this now. What about that monster. You're wondering what I'm doing every night. Pictures in the morning. How come you wasn't invited. Maybe it got lost in the post. You're having thoughts of marriage. I've never even spent the night. List of baby names. Hoping i slip up with the protection. Trying to become the woman i always talk about. I keep changing my mind, that makes it harder. What they got that you ain't. Headaches. Glass of water and something to kill them. Thoughts of killing me too. If you can't have me. Then no one deserves to. 103

I always say i don't trust them. So you're trying to make me trust you. Trying to wrong her wrongs. I loved every moment. It felt so right. You ain't her. You'll never be. Catch your breath. Get a grip. Jealously with some anger. Just what you ordered. One more try. You've taken a break. New mind state. You want to be something different. Past hopes, laid to rest. I don't see it. Nothing changes. Always the same shit. You even bought that shade of lipstick.

D.E.A.R – Overdue
Yo, What's good? 104

Shit's real crazy at the moment man, I've not really had much time just been out all the time, I got that promotion i was telling you about, it was way better than i expected, I've had to style my name….gave it something with more pizazz. I've had some trippy and crazy moments out here, real mad and shit, fuck, I've stopped dosing as much, It's been messing with my work and life recently. I think it's safe to say there is a love interest not sure how serious it is but i really feel her, there's this attraction i can't explain it, I've been thinking about her a lot, I've been trying to get away from a few old things but it's like those things are haunting me, I'm dealing with it thoe' I know a few people think i've been a cunt recently but i really do have a lot going on, I got a going on but it's my business so i got to handle it, I can't keep looking for shoulders to cry on or people to wipe my arse for me. The stress is manageable but people on this bandwagon trying to guilt trip me for trying to make a go of something is just not on. To be honest if some people can't accept that or let me do me then I'm best with out them. I feel like I'm taking the blame for a lot of things Just because, I don’t want to argue with the mentally unstable or attention seekers neither do i want to give them the satisfaction of getting a reaction out of me that will lead to conversation or them getting on a high horse. The best thing i can do is accept what ever charge by way of silence and never wasting my time with such a person again. In time they will realise that, that short term victory is nothing compared to the pain of being dropped out but what ever. What ever thoe, I hope you're called chilled and shit, I'll let you know how it goes.


Room 16

L’Hotel. Hear me out. Hear me out. Hear me out. Hear me out. Hear me out. You got to take it easy. Baby, you’re a mess. You ain’t the same anymore. You ain’t the same anymore. Your face is caked in it Your pretty face hidden behind it. You’ve ruined it all. Masked by this shit. I. Wish. I. Could. Save you from this life… I. Wish. I. Could. Turn back time… I. Wish. I. Could Stop you going down that path. It don’t make you more appealing. It was sexy at first. Now it control’s you. You was so much better. Without it… Just natural beauty. You was so much more. Without it… Now you’re brain dead. I don’t even see a face anymore. Just a body looking to score. What’s in your make up bag. What’s inside you. I know you do it for courage. Look at what you’re losing You’re a slave for it all. This is the life you choose. You know how many niggas you’re fucking? Names and locations a mystery too? Hit me up because i’ll always be soft for you. 106

You started out by my side. Now i hardly recognize you. Self conscious, aware of it all. Sleeping around to pay for those treatments The white has made you dark now. Chemicals straight into your face. Tighter up top. Looser down below. Getting high… That low self-esteem. All those colours. Brown, Green. Multicoloured pills. Poison in your body. You don’t even do it social. Everyone does you thoe’ I only had one plastic. So we can’t go twice. I don’t know where you been. I miss the old you. Before it took you over. Sentimental nostalgia. I can’t get tied up with this. It was good to see you I’m glad you came. Get your knickers on. Time to leave. Bathroom’s on your right. Put some more on. Hide those tears.

Missed call
Today you passed my mind. It feels like it's been so long. I just wonder if you feel the same. About me. This life got us apart. If i knew how to close this gap. I would. I'd go above and beyond duty. If only time would be so kind. I could have been better I left it so late. At good times door. I feel so early. Paper plates. Plastic cups. Feeling so disposable. 107

You was solid as a rock. Lost my backbone. I'm. Just. Here. Leaving. A. Voicemail and it burns so much because. It's. Been. So. Long. Since. I. Heard. Your. Voice. As bad as it sounds. I hope you stay broken. So i could come and fix my mess. You know me the way i know you. You know how to push my buttons. We got that connection. Our snapshots are saved. On our memory card. All these messages. Some of them failed. I have more in drafts My inbox is full. I'm just ignoring them. Because i know.. They.. Ain't… From…. You……. Touch screen. Felt so real. I don't want to upgrade. Me and you was compatible. I want to connect with you. Download all your dreams. Then upload your wishes. I'm. Just. Here. Sending. A. Picture and it hurts so much because. It's. Been. 108

So. Long. Since. I. Saw. Your. Face. I don't want anyone else to pick up. I want you on the other end of the line. No one since has had their finger on it. It's like every conversation starts with you. None of them end as bad as we did. We lost signal a few times. Always knew reception would come back. Yeah, a few low batteries. Yeah, we got caught short. We managed, we got thru' it. We just charged right up again. Some times we lasted days and days. Others we barely managed a morning. I guess that's the life we lived. Always thought we'd find a way. Credit didn't stretch and i lost you midway. These days I'm hardly on, letting calls divert. I just want to be incommunicado. I know it's not you so it's not worth it. A million other options, but i let them ring out I'm. Just. Here. Sending. An. Email and it pains so much because. It's. Been. So. Long. Since. I. Read Your. Words. I can't help it if you find a new model. I can't stop them having all the things i didn't Maybe It won't serve you as well as i did. Perhaps it will be too fragile and flashy. Another chance for me to prove my reliability. We all know all about what glitters and we all know old is gold. I don't ring your number no more just incase it's changed. I'd rather not know. 109

I don't call any one just in case you hear the busy tone. Time ticks away, hope that alarm wakes you up You remember our last everything. I'm calculating our chances. Our settings were perfect. I got so many apps ready for you. You're still my screen saver. Everyone sees you more than i do. I want you to know i'm going nowhere. I'll stay in the bottom drawer till you need me. If i'm forgotten about then that's my punishment. For missing all those calls to attention. I'm not going to answer some ones else's. I can't press the green button for anyone but you. Call no man happy till he dies and I still got a full battery. I'm. Just. Here. Letting. You. Know. I'm sorry I missed your call. I. Will. Wait. For. You. To. Ring. Back.

Kopi Luwak
When you burn as much as I do. It's so easy to get lost in it all. So sometimes i don't text back. To busy with that Hxb and chill out. To caught up with that fast pace. My throats messed up but it was worth it. Every now and then, fucking with baddest. Forgiving is not forgetting, You still my girl. Roof top parties, keep me grounded. All i think about are these women. I want a permanent addition.. Turn a crush into a housewife. I need my beard stroked, tattoos kissed. I need food cooked, my drink poured. I need that thick loving. That plus size. Blend the want and need together. 110

What do you get? This crave right here, like a beached whale. Ah, yeah, hot babes and sunshine. You smoke every other weekend. I bring that light to those shadows. When it all slow downs. Know i will be there soon. Listen out for that pin drop. Meet me in that coffee house. Leave you in your bedroom. Less conversation, more hazing. Don't see you that often. So every moment counts. Not trying to come up short. You're out there trying to learn. I'm down here trying to earn. Times change and we with time. Could be two sides of the same coin. Or different as night and day. Work thru' it or fuck thru' it. Early morning on that mocha latte. Late nights on that black russian. Imagine i was fucking those models. That skin tones and coffee beans. Laying with those waking up with others. Something so bitter giving me life. Caffeine highs, sugar withdrawal. Don't sleep as much i need to. Don't need it as much as i used to. Weaving in and out of it. All i got are some tracks, couple of bonds. Cross swords with who over a woman? I'm not one to tilt at windmills. If i got it then i got it. If i lose out i never had it. Taking good from this bad shit. I'm on one, expensive taste High class babe rest wasting space. Burn one, then we burn two. Sore throats over sore hearts. Expect that when it's all through. Drink more just to prolong the illusion. Kisses and hugs, stuff you dreamed of. Laugh and the world laughs with us. Weep and we weep alone. Life's more than surviving. So maybe we should try harder. Tired of being of being on the rocks I'd rather go down like the titanic. A match made in heaven. 111

Gods hands, you're my angel. Lets kiss and make up. Don't let your mascara run. Head over heels in love. Angry sex is the best. You're hung up on me. Even though I never pick up. To busy being mr write. If only i could be mr right. Then maybe we'd tie the knot. First we got to untangle this. It don't make sense to me. Sober thoughts and drunk dreams. Whispering sweet nothings. So do they really mean anything. Requited love when i'm intoxicated. Force of habit, burn sessions alone. Got me thinking to give it a go. Found myself while many lost me. Maybe i should reward my saviour. Bedroom eyes, stiff upper lip. I see you in the fumes. If you don't play. You'll never win. The high stakes. Ghost of a chance. Maybe my time has passed. Drinking thru' hangovers. Making haste slowly. I know day by day. You lose a bit more for me. I spread myself too thin. Poor hearts never rejoice. Never found happiness in the dirt. But I'll just keep digging. Till I strike gold again.

All that is gold does not glitter. All that is long does not last. All that is old does not wither. Not all that is over is past. Not all that have fallen are vanquished. A king may yet be without crown. A blade that was broken be brandished. and towers that were strong may fall down. For the moment. 112

For the fucking moment. Live like I'll die tomorrow. Tomorrows never promised. So today I'm fulfilling it all. Thank God that I'm awake. Lights unfriendly to my eyes. Thoughts to take over the world. Master plan in the shower. Original ideas sourced here. Air drying, one with it. When poverty comes at the door. Loves flies out of the window. Dressed to kill every opportunity. Back seat cruising, seeing my city. Feeling like a stranger, amongst the buildings. Im hardly here anymore and I can't wait to go. I'm just taking advantage of what it gives me. Right on the money, wildest dreams. Taxi's are my home away from home. It's just my ship came in for me. Now I'm sailing to an unknown. It's nothing without diligence. So I'm sticking at it. Off the beaten track. Fat cats and big wigs. They know nothing. They hold all the aces. I'm from a cardboard city. Dealing with city slickers. Forgetting my ways. Easy on the eyes. Easy on the ears. In the lap of luxury. This is my home now. In times past. I would scream so loud. Now it's different. I have spare change from this. On the phone to woman who made me. She's the first to hear what ever I've done. Weird how i forget her next in line. We celebrate more than we party. Throw up more than we smile. Drinking what i like. Not what looks good. Words to the wise. An hours pay, on a glass. A days pay on a bottle? Will it get me zoned quicker. If not, deal me that cheap shit. 113

Seeing bitches with history. Damn, can't clear a conscious. I'm just another bastard who done her bad. Just another bitch i served life to. Every time we in this place. We're one body less. Every time we hit the bar. The bill gets higher. So out of place. If any of the bankers get cheeky. We'll bring the darkest corners. Right into central, lights out. Still got sparklers on bottles. Wanna be the centre of attention. Never ice my drink, harder hit. People talk so much, takes long to drink. Let me pale into insignificance. Unappreciated when you see it. Got up, so we all did. If it all comes crashing down. I'll dust it all off alone. Sitting with regular folk. I just want to have a night. VIP for the pretentious. I came with a few. Leave in a two. Private ride, couple heureux Everything on show, privacy glass. Fever pitch, what a ball game. Watch her juggle, them tricks. No names, wild shit. Freudian slip. Leave him a twenty. The knickers are a tip. Phone calls when it's done. It's just I never remember in time. Sneaking around in bedrooms. Waking up her room mates. Text you when the dust settled. White russian and a menthol. Think of me while i think of you. Ring me on the off chance. I've messed up my lungs but… You still got some life in yours. So say something memorable. For when hindsight comes. Telling her to be quiet. While I ask about your day. Party my treat. them kids yours. I will never come to that. 114

It's just good to say it. When i get some time off. I'll be there, live and kicking. Just on the devils own job. The spirit is willing. But the flesh is weak. Days close with reflection. Asking God for another chance. Telling him I'll do better tomorrow. Let me wake, I'll prove it. I'l dose a lil' less. Stay away from vixens. Pray some more. Use this talent better. Amen.

Red Carpet Dreams
I'm hot now but when I'm cold. Nobody will remember. Candle burning on both ends. The light that burns twice as bright. Who remember how I shone. Everybody is cool in the limelight. They ain't burning out thoe' My hour glass has been turned. Give me a million. I'd just want a million more. What's the first thing I'd buy.. More time, so i could make a lil' more. Procrastination is the thief of time. Sharia law, some one is losing hands. He who would climb the ladder must begin at the bottom. Slippery slope didn't give me a choice. An empty sack cannot stand upright. Looking up at another sucker... Kissing arse, while mine gets kissed. All trying to get to the same place. It's a process that never ends. One ends where another starts . Is this what they meant.. When they said make ends meet. Tell me how to spend it when i ain't got it. When i got it, hate how i spend it. I just want them to know. Her son made it. Pay everything in cash. Sorry Mr Tax man. You want half... I worked to get paid better. 115

They see the cat that got the cream. Uphill struggle to live and maintain. More you make the less you see. Celebrate for me when I'm the cash cow. Then leech off my successor. They tell me to enjoy the moment. I can't smile on borrowed time. They party in my name. I can't be the life of it. Shockwaves. Flashes . Around . Around . Around . I don't even like champagne. It's free . Today I really like champagne. Wannabe models. Z list celebrities. Lower league footballers. I don't give a fuck. I'm not here to mingle. Drink so much. I'll sleep for a week. If. I. Don't. Wake. Delete . It. All. So. I. Never. Existed. Playboy bunnies. Video honeys. I don't care . I'm not here for love. Fake. Names. So. If. It. Goes. Wrong. She'll. Never. Find. Me. 116

Elongated praise. All due to my skin colour. Honesty is the best policy. It never crossed my mind. Back me because we're the same race. Voted for Obama just to have a black president. Look how they turned on him . I made it this far. They say if i can. Then we all can. Is that what they see? Black role model? Or just another one filling the quota. One in, one out. Both ends of the scale. If I'm not in prison. Then in a boardroom. So am i supposed to die. Or fade out. Trapped in the system. Rags to riches. I wish i could bank pain. Kurt Cobain, checked out . He'd rather be hated for who he is. Rather than be loved for who he isn't. So head in my hands. Oh what a conundrum. Play the race card just to get a black-card. Black tie events, dressing a monkey in silk. Weak-minded critics. Everything rests on them. Playing to a fickle audience. How many encores. New shit won't get me a payday. It all comes down to money. Successful with no money. So what did i really achieve?

Boom, Boom, Boom. Three kings. Orion's belt I prefer Louis's. All from a mac. Ready for those rainy days. Flipped my problems. Turned them into profits. Hearing reckless talk. 117

Can't afford to reply. A few stalkers. Left them in past. They won't let go. They're pain in the ass. I could understand if it was vice versa. That 'ish will never happen. So how people think it did. How the fuck do i attract these bitches. Turned down one, said she'd be the bit on the side. Mum, Always said watch what falls off your plate. Other-day she told how much she loves me. Didn't respond, let that one fly. Indirects knocking at my door. It was all good just a nut ago. Came onto the scene. Now I make them. Tell that bitch ease off. It's not easy on the cutting room floor. Recast that main role. Drinks refilled. Canapés on spaceships. Zoom around the room. Whispers about stay in my lane. Cashiers like ring, ring. They got my number. I'll never phone. Always engaged. Always tied up. Always in a sticky situation. Men in suits talking about pre-nupts. How much for these nuts. Word of advice, you've changed. Saying i seem so pretentious now. Never had it before. So excuse me while i live. The life. Enjoy every moment till i lose it. Like the sanity, while gaining this. Don't be surprised when i act crazy. Actions and reactions. Everyones craving now. Everyones got the style now. Everyones gone be rich now. So I'm trying to recruit. Monster of talent on the books. That kids future is bright Word on everything. He's in for bitches & gloss. Damn, He's gonna be a smash hit. 118

Couple lost souls. Can't say a word. It's politics. Liars with campaigns. Who's at the reigns. I can't even vote. Same difference. Same shit, everyday. Same cliches spoken. When you're getting paid. All talk about how to spend it. Where were they when you had to earn it. I refuse to break bread, bitch I'm gluttonous. Feed a mouth that don't deserve. You must be crazy. Maybe, It'll spur them on. Stop being lazy. Seeing is believing. That's why I never see them. How can i bridge the gap. When i can't even reach them. Made it this way on my own. So you think i can go the rest on my own. Ey, You can't pick up a telephone? Ey, You can't sort me out a loan? Ey, You ever coming home? First and foremost. It's never quiet, she always groans. If she isn't talking to God, she's moaning. You'd never pay back, I'd disown. I go where I'm driven, Land where I'm flown. I may need to refuel. So free your Schedule. Don't be surprised by the jewels. We can still kick it. Laugh till we got our head in hands. Maybe mine in yours. Maybe you can kiss it. Maybe i can get a lap dance. Get naked and go out of bounds. Over and over and over again. Boom, Boom, Boom.

Lust Issues
Walking in single file. Don't like it but I'm in it. So i got no choice but to live it. I tried and failed. 119

Now I'm back on the dose. Dark cups, dirty smoke, heavy thoughts. Thinking about every move. Wonder what she's doing right now Who she's with right now. Double, double shots. Smoking kills. You ain't ever had a crave like this. Dead men tells no lies. So, I'm just being honest. Star-crossed lovers Stuck on that rock, baby. Trying to make that porn, baby. Stars in your eyes, you see 'em? Fake it 'til you make it. Glad, we ain't fucking. Even thoe' I'm still attracted. To a woman i can't have. Opportunity makes a thief. Small timers get hanged. How come i always escape. Still tongue makes a wise head. Talk some wild shit, let's make it great. I don't want to hear what you say to him. If you feel me then why you still with him. I hope you see me, when you sleep with him. Lipstick stains camouflaged on my cup. Trouble shared is trouble halved. So drink up, don't waste a drop. Doing all the things you didn't think that i did. You can be shocked but don't be scared. Old enough to make my own choices. Time for you to make your own. Drop the roof then go for a ride. I don't roll up, never invited. I always draw the line. I hardly pop in. It easy when life is this hard. But compared to what i always ask my self. I keep to what i know. You best keep to me. In the interest of saving time My happiness hangs in balance. How am i meant to be rich when I grind like this. The fear of being stuck here. Theres pros and then theres cons. Crazy when they're both the same. They say stick to what you know. Mother fucker, stay in your lane. Problem is we ain't going the same place. 120

I'm trying to take a good woman home. Seems like all these girls want to do is coke. They think everyday is a music video. All we do is pop bottles and make toasts. I'm not even down for wraps and fizz. Living the life that these rappers portray. Everything is different when the lights go off. Everything will be different when those clothes come off. Ah, right now i'm in a funny place. This potions got a funny taste. I lost concentration when i mixed it. Hope you got your brain right. I lost my gard damn mind. Over the limit. Over the quota. I'll be damned if they pull me over. Worst thing, I ain't got a place to go. It's all endless, it's all mad. What's the problem. I'd know if it all made sense. It's like all i can think of is fucking. Most of the time, i just want to talk. You got my card, know what I'm all about. I don't even have to say, words straight outta my mouth. Is this what lust tastes of, said i'd never stoop this low. Crazy, because i want to do it again then once more. You ain't even got to tell me to stop. You won't be able to string words together. Word of mouth, hear everything I'm saying. This is the shit, that craves can do. Don't even want to dirt. My judgements clouded. My head still hurts. Cut off from the world. Old women think I've gone missing. One said, she hopes I'm never found. That don't matter, know what i need. The build up is immense, damn. Who gonna get that release. Stuck in limbo. Trying to wake in a bed. That's not mine. Burn so dirty. Drink so clear. Give me the worlds best kisser. Let me show you what i can do. I'm on that fade, one of my best. Forgive me for what i do now. Forgive me for what i write. Forgive me for what i say. 121

I mean it all.

My position is clear, you can't lead from the back Poles free, no ones on it, go on take it. This zone is the best. Settle for me or leave me. It's swings and roundabouts. If you leave some one will come along. I'm about to take off probably come to an empty home. If you don't want me unless others want me too. Wish bad for me, go on wish. Musing over things I've read. Reflecting on things I've said. Ruminating on things I've heard. Look in the mirror....that...that's indigence. If you talk more than you walk then look elsewhere They might want to talk too, I don't have time to. I'm too busy walking, set pace or keep up. Some things stay the same, never change. Red carpet dreams, no ones ready to walk. That don't stop them of dreaming. Everyone wants the million pounds. No-one is prepared to walk the million miles. I have no love for a time waster. So i travel alone. While they stay unreliable. While they hide behind it all. Fools rush in where angels fear to tread. While those angels sing for me. My angel flies away. She flies. They say they're sorry they can't help. I don't remember asking for assistance. Delaying messages for a day or two. To make it out like they ain't bothered. Claim they don't know how to start convo. It's weird because they always seem to be talking. I'm not a victim, neither have i got any sympathy. For any one who never tried to make it happen. So i stay in my lane, zoning away. Ignoring their big demands. Too old to get short changed. Selling up for a big distraction. Telling a cancerian what to do. That's a school boy error. If you don't make mistakes. You don't make anything. 122

So I'm sitting here with lots of things. I've gained from all my errors. Walk, potion, burn...like every other night. Every woman I'm trying to get know. All they're interested is trying to groom me. It's been about 7 months since i thought of marriage. I can't even be honest to myself so how can i honour a relationship. Still running away from my previous dramas. Questioning some of the women I've slept with. Telling me they don't love me anymore. The hate got them blind to their own lies. They say It would of worked if i had tried. Tell them, I warned them about getting in to deep. You can't change a man who don't want to see it. Leave me the way that you found me. We could of had more good times together. I'm over and above more of this. Every other month some one from the past. They try to come back to haunt me. Asking me, why i used them up. Keep 'em how you get 'em. Wise words from my mother's mum. Wish their mama's had told 'em the same. Instead they bombard with texts. In the long run we run out of time. Everything has it's own, then it passes. They want to know if can go back to being friends. I can't remember ever being anything close to. They claim that i should be ashamed of what i did. I wasn't myself for most of what their talking about. They tell me i used to make them so happy. Showing me pictures, I don't remember taking. Showing me messages, I don't remember sending. So many blanks in my memory and they fill them up. With their version of events, I ain't got one so theirs must be true. I'm try leave but they take the wind out of my sails. Saying i owe them so much than what I've given up. They didn't invest for such a return, so pay up. These angels sing but I'm tired of hearing them. Preaching their gospel, they're just singing to the choir. They want to know whats keeping so busy that i can't have sex. I got a lot on my plate and I lost my appetite weeks ago. The girl I'm close to is across the way. Long distance, text can't give me head. A train journey can't keep me in check. A phone-call can't keep the bed warm, Girls I'd date say i'm too much to deal with. The ex before my ex said she could do with. A call from me, just to hear me voice. I don't have anything she hasn't heard before. 123

Waking up to 7 missed calls all unknown number. Caving in and giving the friends thing a go. Sing before breakfast, you'll cry before night comes. I'm always a day late and a dollar short. So, I'm never where they are on time. Dressed for the wrong occasion. Typical me, I can even misplace effort. Reasons always seeming like excuses. They always come out of this badly. I don't really understand. To be honest, i couldn't. New angel on my windowsill. Singing my praises. Never learn, I lend my ear. They got these high hopes. I got no staying power. Patience always wearing thin. Indecisive has no place with me. Asking me what i want from them. Baby, don't buy a pig in a poke. I'll end up selling you down the river. I've been through it, seen it all. I don't even check their past any more. Nothing new, nothing different you can teach me. You can come along for the ride or watch from the side. An outsider said build yourself, your name and legacy. King of the castle and I'm over the hill. Been down before so i have no need to fear the fall. Experience is the best teacher, so one day i got to let you go. You got to be quick on the draw, for when the time comes. So you land on your feet, with minimal damage. One day you will sing to me again. I might listen but probably not. All on deaf ears but don't stop singing. I might hear something i've never heard before. I might finish what you started. I might pick up the pieces. I might do it. Never know. Just never stop singing. Never stop.

Black Balloon
Let it free. Will it touch the sky. Or. Will it fly for ever. See where it goes. 124

The heights it might reach. It's all in your hands. Let it go free. If it's just you and me. Without it, what will change. Hazelovebluryou. Dirty cup, Lipstick stains. Paint everything red. Inspire me. Dance, Dance. Dance for me. If i die. Leak everything i showed you. Leak it all. Tell me what you makes you happy. That makes me happy. Inspiration and my crave. Come hand in hand. Disguised as each other. I'm a tourist when I'm out. I'm clearly obscure. I see how i see it. When it's over. I'm still trying to make sense. Of it all. Of it. This is the problem with feelings. How do you know which ones are yours. I got some of yours you have non of mine. Twisting and turning while i burn. I'm with the one. She isn't alone. I know she loves me for me. She knows what i can do. Some of these need to learn how to let go. They'll never be part of the crew. They're lost in their own makings. Fucking for real feelings. This is day light robbery. You won't leave with what you came with. On that filthy wave going to drown you out. How many messages have i not replied to. I'm on the shore line waiting for this tide. Last night i had a nightmare, I'm praying it never comes true. They all said they love me and I said i love them too. I only wanted them to dance now It's something more. I'm sick and tired of all this advice. I know what i can do. Just leave me alone and let me do. All these noses in my business. 125

The lines i give them are not enough. They killing my trade they want one more. What if the overdose never comes. Went from mixing a cup for one to mixing for two. Now the inspiration missing, I'm always picking blue. This is a test but I'm feeling it's more. These results are a lot to take in. So can we ignore them? Like the way I'm gonna ignore you. It's not that i don't want you. It's just that i want them. Lips and smiles. All over my. I just want it. These drum beats. In my head. Tongue tied. I lose my words. Wild kissing. I don't even want to fuck. I just want to feel. Want her to rip my shirt. Leave marks on my neck. Then leave her alone. I don't want to take it past there. I know i will. She'll neck me the way i like it. Stains on my collar. Sign my back. Claw her name. Room spins. Grab those sheets. Trying to get inspired. One eye on the door. When it comes knocking. I don't want to love you. Just inspire me. Don't call my name. Your voice will get stuck. In my head. Go crazy. Let's go crazy. Those new heights. Don't stop dancing. Sing for me. Stroke my ego. This is our world. Let's claim it. Drink to our success. Cry when you fail. 126

To see another night. I'm not one. To bank your hopes on. All I'm going to do is break your heart. It will be worth it for moments like this. You love me and i like you. No hellos or goodbyes. So when it happens. We leave our chances open. Let's not make it official. Float in-between. Don't tell me you miss me. Some one else will be saying the opposite. We'll be making art. You don't really want to marry one. I'm just the best you have at the moment. Snowballs lead to blow jobs. Ice cold orgasms. Late night visits. Bright red nose. Fucking in the dark. Condoms in the trash can. You've never seen the inside of my home. You'll never see the inside of my heart. Walking on dark icy paths. What may come of this. Watch your step. Drink more. Say less. Set everything on fire. Dance on the flames. I won't put it out. Get twisted. Fuck it. Start how you mean to finish. I don't see the end. But. I don't see you at the line. We should of burst that balloon. Or. We should of swapped it for a lead one. Now it could be anywhere. Why did we let go for free. Non of this makes sense. They clap for me. No one knows the pain. That you're going through. You're used up. Some ones in your spot. The journey continues. 127

It won't be the same. Lost a little bit of me. You lost your self. Was it really worth it. If you see that balloon again. Don't let me know. Pray to do better. Fuck this poison is potent...

Capital Punishment
Used to ask all of them for their opinions Now all i hear are contradictions. Have you ever broke bread with a hypocrite. Same people I used to wine and dine with. I see them in a different light. When i was in a slump. They called me lazy. Now I got some of the things i wanted. I can tell this babe, that babe and the new babe. To all go crazy. I can be in most crowded place. Still feel lonely. They had a celebration for me. How come i was the only who felt unwanted. Feeling dark and alone. No one should be this vulnerable. Isolated and wine glasses full. I want to bury myself. Me and this memory box. On the off chance. I go through it. Even when I'm not working I still feel like i need a break. How will i get over this. Everywhere i go i seem to find trouble. I stay out of its business. It always seems to be in mine. I'm always on the watch. I wish i had more time. Clocking faces. Alarms bells ringing. Keep on scoping out. She's asking me why i look so uneasy. Angels walked with throughout out the hard times. Lately I've been feeling like they abandoned me. Every unknown wants to take me out. They all blame me. 128

If i could of have stopped it. I would have. That was out of my hands. Left me and the world behind. Now I'm dealing with it all. You should have come first. I had like 1,001 other commitments. Never stopped running. Even in my dreams, i was escaping. Now I'm stuck in limbo trying to go back. Spinning totems, trying to work it out. Are you past or present tense. Ringing numbers, you still ain't picked up your phone. I know you won't pick but your voicemail soothes me when i feel alone. Watching our videos smiling and crying like i've never seen them. Doing something a little bit harder and she's like don't let your brother see what you're doing now. I'm always in two minds and lost count of the faces i got. I keep switching to keep people happy. Even though i can't remember what that feels like. Blood on my hands because of my mistakes. Maybe it would of been easier to have cheated. Once you've been accused it always sticks. One last hit to end all the pain. Now we're all looking at our wounds. Remembering all the times you hit me first. It's crazy the way you asked me to hit you back. Blow after blow so you'd have something show. A memento for how much it hurts. Playing up to each others weaknesses. The way we loved each other 'til it was lost. Rather that we'd never have loved at all. A son and a daughter who will never know. Now I'm drinking myself to death to join the ghosts. We went from the good to the not so good. Now it's all damn right ugly. It's crazy how you still stay beautiful. My world spins the wrong way now. They say you got everything you want now. It's all of no substance in hindsight. Trying to rewind and kick start. Weird now it's all done and dusted. I'd go through all the hard times. Just to be able to smile when the good came. Still remember when the blood came. The tears in yours eyes. That's another life lost. Same window i used to look at life out of. Watched you watch your memories flash by. Did the bad overpower all the good. What was the last thing on your mind. 129

Now i'm murderer, me and my cold heart. The death do us part came a bit sooner that we thought. Ended on the worst note, oh what a swan song. I'm dying slow, absence never shows remorse. If i could bring you back would that make me happy. I don't think so because it'll all have been lost. Even in the afterlife we can't look each other in the eye. We both done bad just needed an excuse. Never realised by taking your life, I was taking mine. Now I sit here picking out the best parts. In a pool of my own regrets. Doubt any ones going to miss. My last thoughts are of you as i bleed to death. You're the best person to take it. We can't be friends now so we'll be enemies in spirit. Searching trying to find one last meaning. How many lovers are promised. If i wasn't your soul mate then who's mine destined for. Walking through heaven alone hating how i got here. Died high my head is still spinning. Maybe thats the effect of killing. No white at the end of the tunnel. Confused to why I'm not in hell. Standing up the devil. What kind of madness is this. Is this Gods way of punishing me. Can't remember the last time i said sorry. That word seems to be lost in my vast vocabulary. How selfish of me to leave 'em as orphans. All because I hated being a widow. How can i put my word on everything i love. Since i don't have it or it don't love me back. Revenge is a dish best served cold. There's no heat on my corpse. Contemplated suicide before the car crash. Stray thoughts about taking more with me. Is this how scared I am of being lonely. If i had prayed more maybe evil would not be such a predator. We all got to die one day but i always feel like i missed yesterday. Scared of what comes next so i should go with what I've already had. That makes no difference you can't undo death. My hands are tied even if i wanted to. No one was you, same way they'll never be. What if we'd have stuck at it would be be smiling, breathing and living on. Typical, what if's and maybe's rule the mind when the time has passed. The pursuit of happiness got me walking on clouds. Now i look down and see everyone pass me by. Youngest brother looking up while my sister is asking why. If only i could explain love is a losing game. Watched my mum bury her son. 130

From cradle to grave. Reduced to tears. There's hardly any change on my side. In due course the pain will fade. You'll all go on. A bleeding heart. I just paid the price. Took the easy way out.

Christian Louboutin
Used to care about looks. Now I'm reading books. Intelligence is always sexy. So i want to get with you. You ain't like the girls i'm used to. Not like the women i usually date. Charlie's angels, snow stole their days. Swapped nightclubs for libraries. Documents and spreadsheets. You know what you want to do. Not one mini skirt in sight. The only thing i want to see. Is your beautiful mind. What goes through your brain. I love what comes out of your mouth. For once, I'm glad that isn't me. You bring sense to my day. My story, your story, our story. Wishing for some things. Without a fear if they come true. I've not touched dirt in days. I'm going clean girl. Can you see how I'm changing my ways. You've been studying for a while. I might go back and learn something. Just incase this isn't the right path. You keep it natural, babe. Nothing glued on. You're pure as i know. Trips to the museum. Dinner in classy places. Hardly treat women this way. Only the best of the best. You're my little genius. The road ahead is clear. They don't need me. Non of them do. So it's cropping time. 131

All these dates i've been on. How come somethings always been wrong. I just think it's the cards I'm dealt. Tell me you love me everyday. Because, tomorrow, tomorrow. I might not be able to hear you. Make sure your drinks clear. And your smoke is dirty when I go. How much are these dreams worth. Walking like a one man army. Smelling like good trouble. Head in my hands. I'm sleeping on the same things. That i wake up to. So, It's time to act on it. All these long journeys. I'm never reaching home. Curtain on the window. I can't see life passing me by. Stuck in a world of my own making. Dreaming for a living, never sleeping. All these things I seem to discover. All these people i seem to forget. All these feelings they claim i don't have. All these problems I try to embrace. I'll still be here when it's all gone. Living by trial and error. Paying by square. Taking all the charges. Money from the last place. I should of got it changed. So many things slip my mind. Over night stays, paying to sleep. Yet i stay awake, my second home. Masquerading as my first. Fears of bringing one back. Bills don't drop here. So I can't blame it on a set up. Not drunk in ages, They'll still blame it on the thirst. It's always on me so they're the ones who'll get hurt. Bourgeoisie babe. I got a few days. You got some time? Out where I've never been. These those sleepless nights. Whose dreams, whats reality. Depends on the point of view. All depends on your point of view. Form an independent opinion. Baby, Think for yourself. 132

Don't let their words spoil this. Spend all night talking. Come stimulate my mind. I got a few hours to burn. Tell me about something you learnt. I got this plan to take us someplace new. Just gets better and better and better. I got this room all to myself. You're the only thing that isn't here. You got your hand in my brain. I went to sleep for a minute. Dreamt that you spent the night. My phone hasn't left my hand. Waiting for you to hit me back. I wonder where you're at. I'm tired but i don't want to sleep. I want to hear you speak. Night becomes day then night again. I can't remember when i last closed my eyes and hoped for the best. Red lipstick and coffee stains on my sheets. I'm awake for you, you awake for me? Since you spoke about me. It's all been different. I'm not sure where my days go. You seem to have robbed them all. You've got me captivated. This has to stop. How am i onto you. I see you with everybody. You love the attention. You speak to me, when you notice I've not paid it. I can't even think about lying down with you. Without thinking of using protection. I don't think i could take the risk. You are a good status symbol. When I'm with you, everybody notices. They can see it in the way you walk. I can hear it in the way that you talk. Not to mention the way you that you… Scratch that, if looks could kill. Blood stains on the floor, my outline in chalk. You don't want me with anyone else. Worst thing is you don't want me for yourself. But because I've had you, you can't leave me. Lying to yourself that you could replace me. Caught up in this interview process. New candidate every-time you feel lonely. Sometimes I wonder about the rest. Then i remember you ain't the best. We're a messed up couple. 133

All these issues will never be addressed. I've done some bad and had bad done to me. All these risks don't always pay off. I thought that you was a sure thing. Only one thing is for certain in light of all of this. That we was never meant to be. It's crazy that on these long nights. I find my thoughts drawing back to you. I'm way gone, i'm in full flight. I can't even say what i want to say. Find myself wanting it all back. It's messed because I'm not over you. It's weird because i never really had you. You never really had me but we had this. Why do i still want this babes, I ask myself. I crave you the same way you crave attention. Our future is messed up if it's anything like our past. You're my dirty public secret that i'll never deny. I'm the one guy you can blame it all on. Even though most of it is made up. You just need an excuse. I'm just a reason that fits.

Gran Torino
Uh, I miss my first ride. Now journeys aren't the same. Chauffeur driven everywhere I go. I remember our first ride. Cruising on the open road. Spent hours working on you. Made you look all shiny and new. Couple spare parts here and there. Fixed all those broken parts. Kept you so simple. Now it’s all brand new. Electronics and carbon fibre. It don’t feel the same anymore I miss my first my ride. Thought i'd have this for life. Classic no extras. Heads used to turn. I even miss the questions. Where you going? Where you been? How she handle? How was the journey? Those journeys, we used to do together. Black interior, black leather. 134

Some times I'm down for it. More time i can't be fucked for it. I think my lost my way again. Which ways home. Wish you could show me. I'm on foot. Travelling public. Passenger seat. Wish i had my ride. Twisted more often. So i drive less. Fuck a driving offence. It was crazy with the first. Now I'm on the second. Soon to be on third. Things make more sense. Everyday that goes past. I think i feel less. Where the fuck am i going now. Watching the world pass by. I never used to appreciate before. Now it's opportunity to day dream. The only time i get because i never sleep. I stare at walls projecting my thoughts. So I'm happy to watch paint dry. How many trips did we do on an empty tank. Breakdowns on those pitch black motorways. Somehow, somehow, we always got home. Invested so much emotion into you. Now I'm stuck with the debt. I keep paying it, so i can i feel a bit. Star gazing, counting them all. I'm always on the road. I wish i was behind the wheel. It's not safe, not viable. When have i never taken a risk. That's probably how i got here. Late night trips for the sake of it. Now it's walks just to think of it. Burnt my fingers because i got lost in it. Actions speaking louder than words. Baby, I just want to rev that engine. Show them we ain't dead. Bored with what i've been dealing with. So many cab rides, no feeling. Bus stops are like my therapist. Sit and say what i want to say. Conversation with myself. I'm the only one who understands it. You can't even show me love back. 135

You need a little life in you. Damn, miss those days in you. Radio blaring, top down. Hand on gear, accelerate. Make those sounds. Not a day passes. That I don't hear you. It's been that long. Maybe it's the fade. Floating off the wrong things. I'd swap them all for the right things. I just want my ride back. Built that star from scratch. Wow, you used to shine. You probably still do. I feel it more today. Than i did yesterday. Wait. I'm on that crossroad. That dirt track. Crossing bridges. Not looking back. Swerving from lane to lane. I'm drink driving. Baby, i won't feel no pain. Tia Maria in the next seat. Just trying to get home. I don't know how i lost it Fuck Haze and Blur. That just scratched the surface. Now we're living the dream. I miss all the old things. I hope i don't crash tonight. Lost too many people already. Hate for them to lose me too. Because I'm feeling blue. Should of had a water. Glasses are never empty. One always in circulation. Windows up, gas chamber. I can't even see the road ahead. I mean this in both senses. Done something and i lived with it. Now I'm trying to run from it. This won't count as suicide. This is a ride or die. I lost out on the former. So I'm edging on the latter. 136

Barriers become targets. Sparks from the way the car kisses them. Foot down, time is of the essence. Where the fuck am i going. Where the fuck am i going. Where the fuck am i going. I don't know where the fuck I am. I don't know where the fuck I am. I don't know where the fuck I am. I'm in the middle of nowhere. I had little but nothing to show for it. Agent begged that I chauffeur it. He knew that i was unstable. Life is fragile, i'm testing fate. Recently I've been forgetting my name. Is this the reason I left home. I can't even remember why i came. What happened to the rookie. Thought i was the peoples champ. Then i realised i don't give a fuck. Phone somewhere under the seat. It's probably my girl. Wondering where i am. Or maybe one of the sides. Bragging how she bagged a few grams. And she's got a friend for a grand slam. I don't need a woman, I have future. I just can't see it at the moment. So I'm out here trying to find it. Whose car is this anyway. I hope they're insured. I don't think it's coming home. I lost my ride. So they can lose theirs. I don't give a fuck. Oh, was that a sign. Shame I didn't read it. How fast am i going anyway. Why do i feel so alive. How did a few words change everything. What are worse theirs or mine. Shit I thought I ignored. You okay? You're not the same! What happened to you? Where did the old you go? Do you miss me the way i miss you? When you coming home? Do you want to take in further? These thoughts at 150mph. 137

About to check out faster than i checked in. I'm about to drive into a wall. I'm about to. I'm about to. No one can stop me. Wait, what the fuck. What the fuck am i thinking. Too much to live for. I can't stop now. These brakes are tripped out. Fuck, I'm about to head into a wall. This isn't even my ride. I can't cancel out like this. Where the fucks my phone. I got some shit to say. Baby, If you can hear me. I'm sorry i cheated on you. I just lost my way. Fast cars, the big bang. I tried get with the times. I'm about to drive to hell. It's not that I'm going. It's just what I'm in. I miss first my ride.

Out in the cold. Thinking about it all. Hood up, smoke filled. Alone, with whatever the night brings. No headphones, I want to hear the night sing. Last time i checked it was 4 but I don't know what time is. A water bottle filled with a darker contents Feet pounding on the pavement. Couple more sips. Double the puffs. Cross with out looking. Every move is a risk. Contemplating life. Wondering where I fit. Key in the lock. Then I sleep. Waking up. Feeling disjointed. Oh what a moment. An hour later than lunch was. Breakfast while she asks me why i wasted a morning. Lectures how I've changed since i signed my life away. 138

I should use my day as best as i can. She don't know about the night I've had. Missing my old pad. Leaving dirty dishes in an empty sink. Give her something real to complain about. First burn to give real meaning to the high road. Trips to the bookies, they trust me so everything is on credit. Win a little, nothing wrong with some pocket change. Odd looks from certain residents, the aura starts to feel strange. Buying a paper to see who's a victim and who the country has turned on. Tides of school kids, turning the pavement into a hazard. Public transport because too many cab rides feel pretentious. Normal people always give me inspiration. Walk into the office late, smelling like attention. They tell me my last piece wasn't up to scratch. I wish i could say the same who the broad who marked my back. The rewards they gave got me distracted from what I'm supposed to do. So i give them back the outcome of the life I've been living. The same life they threaten to stop funding. That won't stop the drinks pouring. The drug sharing, music blaring. I don't rent this life, I bought shares in it. You can take the money, I'll still be running it. They ask me to respect their position. Before my mouth makes me lose mine. What's more important than the creative. You're only as good as your last job. My best work should be probative. Leave in silence, fuck, that was awkward. Standing in the shower, Am i falling on my own sword? Without them how much of this lifestyle can i really afford. I can stay with this stance and get back to the drawing board. Or shut my mouth, work like I'm supposed to and win those awards. Either my clocks fast or I'm late again. Dinner with the woman who says she loves me. Sexually we're perfect but share little emotionally. Just a table between us but feeling oceans apart. Smiling, nodding, laughing, just playing the part. Texting between the courses. Asking me if i could resist those forces. Maybe switch my phone off and enjoy her company. She can feel the difference but i don't acknowledge it. Re-routing for every half hour she eats in to. Calculating every plate she tucks in to. Skipping dessert buying some time back. Bill in a booklet, everything is discreet. She'd rather paid her that attention. I got people to meet, people to greet. She sees past it all, she knows a cheat. As much she likes me, damn she hates me. 139

She can't say much, she doesn't own me. If she could she'd walk away and leave me. She can't even get me to commit, how could she control me. All that talking and eating can build up a mans stress. She's asking me to burn less. I tell her it isn't her business, stay out of my mess. A hug and kiss but I'll never drop her home, now she's depressed. To be honest, i could not care less. Straight over to my main man's address. He's had a bit to drink, just an enemy of progress. I'm already in the driving seat, on my way to our next destination. Testosterone filled bars so we drink like we're possessed. Everyday a power move, so we drink to success. Glass after glass, we got a lot to forget. Smoking the amazon forest out the bathroom window. Guests who have been watching from a far. Student debit cards working that product. Toilet seat looking like Santa's grotto. Private meetings with promiscuous women. Bathroom stalls become the office. Role play, I'm the boss she's the secretary. She takes notes and I give her a number to call me on. I stumble out, bump into a few people who look unfriendly. Now they see who i came with they don't seem to have a problem. Bankers who seem to not want to deal with these numbers. No one is going to fight today, that's for sure. Friends asking if i've had too much to drink. They'll only understand when it hurts to think. They're telling me, recently I've been so erratic. I fully understand why they're trying to be diplomatic. I'm fine to go home, Nigga i drive automatic. I'v been in a crash before, that was traumatic. I know what to expect, life's so problematic. They tell me to stay for another drink. Then see if there's any change in how i feel. While they're being entertained by bitches who want to kneel. I'm heading out through a side entrance. Mind telling me to head to only place i feel accepted. Four word text, that's 10 minute notice. She hears the cab outside. She's already at the door. Walk straight in, no kisses on the front step. Neighbours are watching. I've not come back from war. No need for any doorway romance. Slouched in her chair. She's already wrapped her hair. Wearing that dressed gown with the teddy bears. A drink with lots of ice cubes floating in it. Heavy smoke meeting that light air. 140

Phone won't stop ringing, she switches it off. Usually that would be an argument. Today I'm faded i couldn't even care. Rubbish food, great head. Now i know what Ross meant in Billionaire. Kisses on my neck, leads me up the stairs. Stop short of her bedroom, say the lords prayer. She talks more but fucks better. Rolling out of bed, she's on some shit about the main spot. I ask her what's wrong with what you already got? She says she wants to settle, damn, a long a shot. Now she's complaining, while my lungs rot. She hits the twos, she burns as much. My thoughts drown out her voice. I'm sure she's making a point. It's unfortunate all i hear is noise. All calls are going to voicemail. So much for having for boys. She says I'm not the same guy she started fucking. I tell her drop out the politics and stick to sucking. Stress and alcohol got me saying some hurtful shit. Situations like this are reasons why i can't commit. Always in search of stress relief and harder hit. It's everything you want 'til you get it. This is scary seeing as I've not made it. I'm already out the house. Last words, I'll see you when i see you. She know's I'll be back when i need to screw. When i need to drop a load she'll be the one that i turn to. That emotional centre she'll never get a break through. I hardly speak in full sentence so a lot of things get misconstrued. It isn't always me, It takes two to tango, pas de deux. Elements of my life that always up for review. Everyday, everything, everyone, jamais vu. Recognise all of this yet it feels unfamiliar. Destination in mind but a spot is open. Liver crying but another won't hurt. Lipstick stains all over my shirt. It's about 3am but i feel so alert. I don't want cocktails, i want dirt. Searching for one of those 24 hour shops. Spring water for the headache. Vodka, irish cream and milkshake. Burn because this migraines turned into an earth quake. Walking around feeling like the only one who's awake. Who loves you the most, what's really at stake. Did i do the right thing or is my life turning into one big mistake. The cold is my only company and It's half past 4, I'm back where I started.


D.E.A.R – Burn
Hey, miss! I haven't sent you anything, so I thought i'd send you a message or something. It's been an exhausting few weeks, I'm actually tired beyond belief, work is just draining me. I'm thinking about taking a few days out and coming to visit you guys, as good as this life has been to me, I'm starting to miss a few things, so a trip home might be what i need, you know…just to recharge my batteries and stuff. I'm not sure where me and you stand thoe'….there is this weird aura between us…it's been here for a while. I don’t seem interested anymore? I don’t talk the same anymore? There’s no spark anymore? I don’t care anymore? I don’t share anymore? I just don’t feel the same anymore? I don’t give you my full attention anymore? Well clearly i didn’t notice, of course it’s an accident and obviously it’s my fault. Other day some one asked me, if me and them dated, would i treat them the way i treated you…they said they love the way i talk about you and stuff, to be honest all i could of was the bad, It's hard to explain to someone that they're not the person you want but neither are they second best, so I've been pretending otherwise….I don't want anyone else but i can't have you. 142

It's a crazy situation I'm in, It's safe to say I miss you like crazy, these have been the hardest months away so far, My minds been wandering a lot to past memories of me and you, I guess those memories have been keeping me going. I've seen a lot of errors in my ways, It saddens me to remember some of the fucked up things I done to you, some of the things i done in then name of our relationship, I wish i could fix it all but it's too little, I hate the fact that some one else is going to reap the rewards from your pain. I'm just rambling now anyway, If i decide to come back, I'll give you a shout.

Love, Big Head.
Letter to Psymon II
I said I will always be there and I will until the end but you're pushing me away now, making it so hard for me to do so. You really are a cunt, you know I want you, and you play up to it, your words now irritate me instead of me cooing and awing at them, they mock me as I read into them then I try so hard to never let myself think anything you write is for me. You can't do anything or be with anyone without comparing them to your ex, I know you think no one can ever understand but your not the first person to be heartbroken, iv had 5 years worth of that pain. We are both still in love with other people but I want you...call me delusional for thinking you did too. I'm far from special, just thought I'd found someone special to see me, the me no one has seen. I never want forever, I cant give you that because I will never be enough for you or you for me, no one will, but I can give you now. I care about you, for it just be wasted, not reciprocated and appreciated is just so sad... This is all your fault, if you don't want to hear the shit I'm saying, you shouldn't have drawn me in so deep just to let me go. Face the consequences, stop fucking running and realise that everything you wanted in your life you ruined, you drove away, all on your own and you're doing it again. I will never say goodbye to you because, I owe you a lot and I care too much, I hate myself for it. Simon wake up. Don't leave it all too late, to find no one there, just a fan in your bed in the Monet Suite, champagne bottle contents on the floor, cocktails of Amphetamines over the bedside table, 143

you're full of them but you're completely empty, nothing but darkness and emptiness in your heart. I'm always here...

la Manche
Can i get one of you to like me. To say how much you want me. Can i get one of you to love me. Wake me in the morning. Say how much you feel me. Can i get some one to hate me. Text me how much you miss me. Then cry when you see me. Lift you in the air. Show you i can handle. The weight of my decisions. Fuck me and cum emotion. Something special, maybe two way. I just want to feel involved. Feeling like an active spectator. I just had enough of it all. Just going to pick one and hope for the best. Hope the one i pick is the best. Damn baby, don't disappoint. You must be feeling like the last pick. Astrum Dépardieu, nice to meet you. These are my ed arpet reams. Dropped all the formers. Maybe you could be the first now. Slot in so it all makes sense. Is this a new story.. or just a continuation. Comfortable off a few words But still a long way to go. They're like you got all them girls and you're never happy I'm like this wasn't the dream so i'm far from happy. Got this gang behind me, now we all lost in it. Seeking for it, Looking for it. Trying to get to grips with it. I'm on the motorway switching lanes. Fantasy and reality. Is what i want, what i need. Trapped in my own prison. Trying to get somewhere better. Crazy because I'm hoping to see you there. Weird because i hope you'll meet there. A private truth, a shared truth. No one can say it's a lie. 144

Half truth is often a whole lie. Mistakes like this got you thinking.... I got a fresh pack of them for you I swear on everything I'm over that. There was a time i could not lie straight in a bed. As i make my bed, so i had to lie on it. Dealt with the consequences of my shit. I lay down with dogs and got up with fleas. I was wrong about it but i was too far gone. One told me money talks. I was the third wheel with her and my wallet. A few ask if i regret any one i slept with. I can't because i was awake all the time. They say I'm so up in these scriptures. I should lead from the front. I tell them no politics or religion. The names change, the highs change. The drugs remain the same. A shout out for the girl who told me that. All cats are grey in the dark. Look before i leap, nope. I'm jumping in with both feet. No fresh start, just a stained slate. Honest to goodness. Same way i don't love. Is the same way i don't hate. So i can't say i feel the same. Fear and desire, deep down. I don't grudge you trying to repress Suppress those thoughts Hate me, hate me good. I’m what you want the most. So forget i exist. Don’t speak my name. Don’t think about me. A wise man told me we try to hate what we want. So despise me a little more. When you get that release. It won’t consume you no more. This is your consolation. If you was with me. Would things change. Stop me dosing so much? Coughing fits, lung like a leather. Inherited George best's liver. I’m like, life got stressed and such. So help me, help you. Let me enjoy whats left. Half a cup and a burn. I'm not trying to compare you. 145

To her, but then. I'm not trying to replace her. With you, so then. When i look to you. I see everything that i lost. I know it stings to hear. I let the wrong one go. Hindsight got me. So i'm praying for something better. Got a lot things to say. Talk bad then you got to walk it. I'm not stopping 'til my feet bleed. Looking out at my window. Seeing a land lost. I'm just trying to cross this passage I wish it was as easy as jumping on a ferry. There's no gain with out sacrifice. Cross this palm with a lil' silver. See the sun rise and bring me the coastline. I see the moon creep and take it all back. Impossible is two letters too long. This journey already feels too long. I'd turn back if it wasn't too long. I said i'd cross this bridge when i came it to it. Now i'm here i'm trying to cross it out. Long lanes, no turning. Detached from two worlds. Hands on my shoulders. Voice in my ear. Keep dosing. Keep believing. Keep the dream alive.

Red pill/Blue pill
Fresh, clean, clear. Tonight I'm yours. Won't be here when you wake. Give me your all. Tonight you're Mona Lisa. A work of art. I won't add to you. His perfection is not mine. I'd probably ruin you. I can't afford to take you home. So I will watch you. If i can, I'll touch you. I'm just looking for mental stimulation. I don't care about nipple piercings. 146

Or how good it feels with out a bra. I don't like all that loud talk. Don't want no demands. I don't want to keep you forever. I'm just trying to be honest. I've hoarded so much over the years. If only i could've said no. My life is so busy. I crave a few things. Just some alone time. Brash thoughts. Stage whispers. Empty space. Enough thought to perform. Paint you red. Go in hard. Go in strong. Trippy shit. Dance with death. While I cross tracks. Talk slow for me. Words stuck in your throat. Still waters run deep. Prepare to get wet. Take your last breath. Before your head goes under. Keep this on the low. Smoke is a killer. It's lighter than the air. Watch it rise. Can't see the flames. Burn it all. No one else can you. Living so toxic. On the floor. Dogs and new tricks. I gave up the bad bitch. So i could take you to school. Tricks of the trade. Inhale the poison I'm so true-blue. I'll be in. Straight after you. Come in out of the rain. Play with fire. Get warmed up. We're in a dead heat. I won't finish before you. Don't finish before me. I don't know how this story ends. 147

I wish i could stay forever. Spend my night and day here. I got to leave soon. I don't belong to no one. No one at all. So claim me in mind. And mind only. If you're going to forget me. Do a good a job of it. It's been a few days no burn. So everything is real blunt I know a lot of time wasters. Silent treatment on who? That shit work with me. Off mind, written down. I just came to see some art. Some art. Maybe I'll come back again. Back again. What was, was. What will be, will be. I got no more cash. I left my card at home. If you're working tomorrow night. I could come in and talk more. Maybe pick you up after your shift. Maybe go and get something to eat. I don't usually come to establishments like this. I just had to drop out the matrix for a second. A few drinks and spend the change i have. I'm new in town well new enough to say i am. I don't really know anyone from here. I don't really want to get to know anyone. I'm tired of the disappointment and being misunderstood. Weird how i found some one who reflects everything I am. Selling my self short to people who don't appreciate. I'm losing out staying in the limelight. I got a camera and you already know a pole. We should start something and work for ourselves. Heres my number, writing it on a pink note. You can spend it or ring me or do both. Best tip you'll ever get.

Voir les anges
Nothing lasts forever. The least of my problems. Is my biggest problem. Sexual frustration can mess up your whole state of mind. 148

Make her cover her face with a pillow. Because I will probably end up filming. Her screaming will mess up the sound levels. And I like to keep it ambiguous when watching back. Typical me. Even when I try not to think about it. I end up thinking about it. Sitting on roof tops seeing it pass by. Small pieces in the biggest puzzle. Honest as honest can be. That new, new. Harmonise my thoughts. A brand new cycle. Build them up. Then break down again. Intelligence is so sexy. So once I've worked it out. Looking for other challenges. Having dreams of it all. Crazy thoughts, I said shit. I just expect them to turn to me. Be like "Yeah, lets mind fuck" Living a faux pas. Subconscious playing up. Looking though pictures. Damn, she so photogenic. The gang keeps growing. Still feeling one member short. Previous craves rolled into one. They’re an integral part, The thought process. Emotional turmoil, greatest disdain. Every things changes now. The shit i used to crave. I'm comfortable with. I don't need 'em the way i did. Fish out of water. Feeling like I'm dying. Yet the pond is so close. Wild, wet dreams. American old west. Billy the Kid. Give it my best shot. Betting on happiness. Double or nothing. Gambling my time. Trying to get rich of a Roulette wheel. Mum fears I'm going to lose it all. She don't understand I'm on my way. Not a foot in the door, It's my house. 149

She don't get, she laid a golden egg. No matter what i say it don't ease her fears. She can see this life is getting to me. The fumes from the burn stuck. Lectures about grandaddy died from this. So did the nigga I'm named after. From filling his shoes to filling a grave. Rather me drink myself to death. So maybe i can break the curse. Cancer went crazy on them. I'm already being destroyed. Something bad eats up inside. In and out the cribs. Thinks I'm selling. Drinking from the same cup. They don't think i trust them. I'm just doing something different. Could be fatal if i make that mistake. Sitting at the piano i can't play. Write things down to make space. For some more thoughts. Trying to find that balance. Everyone trying to be my friend now. I still have not heard an apology. Silent readers withholding my praise. Switched my phone on yesterday. Everybody seems to miss. Funny all the messages Contain the word "stranger" Angels and demons. The woman i could settle for. Me and her seem to argue everyday. So i keep crushing and never speaking. Her dreams and the feelings i have for others. I don't see how this could ever work. Still turning down business. Everybody wants free. I got bills to pay too. I don't know how much I got. I never check, even when i get paid. Because i don't do it for the money. So if i got zero, then i got zero. Square root root of 25. Five-finger discount. Steal a march on me. Everyone is venting now. Everyone is under the influence. Everyones lips on that HxB. Everyone and his brother. I'm sleeping with their sisters. 150

Pouring oil on troubled waters. Work the problem. Notch on my bedpost. Nothings solved. An orgasm a day. Smart drugs. I was messed then. Now I'm clean. Ever had a conversation. Better than sex. Mental stimulation. If only. Eye bags. Heavy with yesterdays stress. How can i afford tomorrows. Price one has to pay. No one else is gonna chip in. Especially with this one on my shoulder. Fill it with lead. Kill the attitude or keep me clear as mud.

Night and day
"Gentlemen, you may smoke" Walking these dark streets. Going that extra mile. Processing the answers I've been given. Running before i can walk. I wonder if she notices. Peace and loneliness. Sirens light up my face. Zoom past, damn. Partners in crime. Crime doesn't pay. She talks, i write. Impatiently waiting. Twisted meanings. Big bottle. Big dreams. Big craves. Spoke to a friend from way back. Said, I'm doing so well. But how am i getting paid. Working as the world sleeps. Watching the sun rise. Lose her to the night. Drink it pure as. Float in and out. 151

Write off the top. Read it all back. In her archive All the way to the back. Looking and wondering. What if i don't? then what. Nothing is for sure. Been getting love since, I lost my way. Which way is east, which way's home. Lost in the false feelings. This isn't my life, i should not be here. How did this all start, how did it happen. Follow my ego into a familiar strangers home. A few seconds after this don't feel the same. My craves pictures would of set me straight. Now i'm here watching the full moon. She didn't even close the curtains. I guess her neighbours saw it all. Another witness, another testimony. Can't even blame this broad. She didn't even mean too. Can't even blame my crush. She don't even know. I don't even have anything to say. Feel far from the way she feels. Wish i was back at mine, by myself. She sneaked me in, she won't let me go. I need a burn, i don't even need right now. The fact i can't have it even if i wanted too. Messing with my mind, driving it up. Roll over, trying to catch 40. Insomnia, won't let that run. So my thoughts run amok. While her feelings chase. A drink could ease me. "My own experience has been that the tools I need for my trade are paper, tobacco, food, and a little whisky." Sometimes i don't want to stop. Others i don't even want to start. Feeling so drained, from this. Detached from everything i know. Giving this my all, what am i getting back. Hit the dose, only because i was sick. What's my excuse now, arghh. I'm trying to finish what i began. I got a whole lot secrets resting on me. Passion of the christ, die with me, Ahh, looks like i stumbled upon religion. 152

Funny how it pops up at times like this Everyday i seem to be leaking more. Why they got to find out like this. Damn, I should act my age. The age of miracles is past. Grass growing under my feet. Making a move, what's the hold up. Children and fools tell the truth. It's like i'm few and far between. I should put the record straight Why am i always sounded like a broken one. Starting to think I'm beyond repair. Flirting with the idea of this all. I mean it's only right to let her know. What if the message never reaches. I sit here with the newest class. Wondering where did it all go. Dedicated to the right people. Just the wrong ones always notice. Shoot first, ask questions later. Bigger they are, the harder they fall. I won't miss them, glade they gone. What's the next move now. Do i draft in those replacements. Or give the back ups a chance. Ice cubes and clipper lighters. This is all I'm left with now. Eleventh-hour decision A good husband makes a good wife. A heavy wallet makes a light heart. I haven't got either of those. Lost and found. In the worst places. I just really need what I be craving. Two sips, one heavy inhale. Got decisions to make. "I must point out that my rule of life prescribed as an absolutely sacred rite smoking cigars and also the drinking of alcohol before, after, and if need be during all meals and in the intervals between them"

Lacey Duvalle
In a place where i shouldn't be. Need to stop dating these Billie Jeans. All down to these red carpet dreams. Can i get a woman who does cocaine. Drinks a lot and fucks like a porn-star!? Women fail then blame me, urrgh. 153

Since they can't have me, I'm an enemy. Drinks with devil, oh yeah. I'm here trying to get a living. From me, to you.. Smile, it's easy look.. :) That poisonous beverage. This magical potion. Drink this drink. Until i have no notion. Nothing matters when you're this high. All that hate shit is wasted. I'm an arse-hole, granted Got to be cruel to be kind. They all fail the test. Then they all complain. You can't twist my arm. This haze got in me different rooms. Everyone is full of desire. All these mixed signals. I only ever see half the message. What's that you're saying? Is that my replacement? Now i get what Ye’ meant. Lined him up when i was down So when he lines you up. See my face in the ruins. I hope that shit burns. Like the drink that i'm drinking. The time of my life. It can always be better. Fuck, who you like. I'm taking my own advice. The world looks so vidid. Dosed so much I've lost feeling. Trying to get that step higher. I'm soaring over it all. Do you miss what you had. Nope. Want to give it another go. Nope. Would you get back if you had the chance. Nope. Ask me again when I'm sober. I don't know when that'll be next. So awkward on that dumb shit. Give her my number cah wants it. Chasing girls, I don't want to marry. I'm feeling like this way it's meant to be. Everyone's a critic but they never lived it. 154

Thank my dealer for this peace of mind. Thank this girl because she necks it right. Now your dream seems over. I understand why you sold out. Keep texting when you're lonely. Mourn me when you realise he ain't me. Every girl is my wife when I'm twisted. If they can't do what i need, then i can't feel the same. I want to be seen with a model, the drink makes me shallow. Nothing like the girls, I'm taking home, If i feel them. Then looks go out the window because it's all mental. It's all crazy, It's all insane, It's so demented. Lock me up in a white jacket and in a padded room. These words are always written under the influence. Even when I don't touch anything somethings on my mind. Where's that sexy girl with the diamonds and smooth skin. I want to show her something, I hope she don't break out. I'd hate to ruin that sexy complexion and face. Other day I had a new woman, said I want to tell you a secret. She said, Yh why not. I said, Come upstairs. When it was all over and we was getting dressed. She turned around to me & said she's still waiting to hear it. My ex asked how I'm enjoying the single life. If I've found any one better than her. Told her she should just hold her spite. Don't talk unless it's a matter of life or death. That hate you have is shorter than my climax. Long talks with a girl i found. Her body ticks all the boxes. She interests me and that's matters. She don't always hit me back. Even made me put my juice down. Hate to say something awkward. She's on pause, while i get my self together. The past is trying to ruffle my feathers. No one told it to disappoint. Talk, talk and never do. I write my mind. It never stops reading. Some time's it tries diss me. Other days it tries make me jealous. At the end of it all, I know it needs me. That's what happens, when you're a thing of the past. No time like the present to sort out the near future. If you can make it happen, then make it happen. I like that spontaneous, love those naughty surprises. Cross fading while the sun rises. That's all i ask for, all i wish for. End of night, party done. 155

Reflecting on the experiences. In the cab home. Reading old messages on my phone. I'll forget this feeling in the morning. Right now, I'm feeling all-right "And i'm gonna tell you something, this pimpin' that I got in my blood, it came from a family tree. My granddaddy was a pimp. My great-great-great-granddaddy was a pimp. I'm talking 'bout pimpin' since been pimpin' since been pimpin'!"

I don't even know who mixed this drink. I feeling like i need to be close to a sink. Hold the back of my head Make sure I'm doing it right. Tomorrow you better call in sick. This feeling here isn't the lick. That drink done me so wrong. It's about to do you so right. I'm about to throw in the towel. Right after I'm finishing throwing up. Throw some cold water on you. Don't ever think you're more than option. I'm not saying you aren't but don't think it. I know your friends say let me go. I'm not worth it but you always smell of my stress. They know you're lying when you say you haven't seen me. You tell them yesterday was a blank they know i filled it. They don't how it is because they never felt it. Something only me and you know. Talk up, get low, we can go crazy. It's been a little while, I know I've been gone. I'm never where i say i will be. Last time we arranged I was a no show. So you're saying all the things you want to believe. How much you hate and how you never want to see me. Ever again, How's the pretence going baby? When i hit you up, you'll hit me right back. So we don't need to lie to each other. This feels right for both of us. There's no such thing as a day off. This day does not feel like any other. Saying things I've never said before. Doing things I've never done before. Feeling in a way I've never felt before. Drinking things i've never drunk before. Burning things I've never smoked before. 156

Why does this feel like deja vu. Everything that's happening feels so familiar. We're watching this bonfire that we lit. Filled with your love and my bad habit. We both know, one day we both got to quit. Your heart and my lungs can't take it anymore. That day isn't today so we'll stick at it. You think I'm out there doing the worst. While you have sleepless nights. All it takes is one update and you'll sleep well. I won't be finished till the morning. My days keep on getting busier So you're going to get less of it. Heavy thoughts because you went along with it. From saying you want to be just friends. Even though that was not your plan. To being friends but thinking it's something more. Trying to make it more than it is more than it was. This is a date? damn i thought….actually never-mind. Daring me into doing all those crazy things. All i needed was an invitation, you sent that. Who gets hurt in the long run. All because you wanted to be in control. Reverse psychology and cold shoulder treatment. False encouragement and mind games. Then came the power shift. What happened to that leverage? Saying things I've never said before. Doing things I've never done before. Feeling in a way I've never felt before. Drinking things i've never drunk before. Burning things I've never smoked before. Why does this feel like deja vu. Everything that's happening feels so familiar. Feeling like I'm too old for relationships. Even though I have not lived yet. Looking like the youngest. Thinking like the oldest. You know what i want. Do your best to make it happen. Help me and I'll fuel you. Charge me up and watch me go. All i can remember is your nail polish. And those high heels and red lips. Told you I'd drop you a line in the morning. It's about 3 evenings later. I know I'm bad with keeping in touch. 157

How do i keep getting on your nerves. How do you keep messing with my potion. You will never fall out of my memory. I got some stuff i wanted to say i just can't remember. If you want something then you go out and try have it. Even just for a while....a while. We'll start when the room starts spinning. Lets take it to the next level. Watch the way I'll lift you up. Put you next to the dishes. After i get you wet, I'll dry you off. Words from the potion. When I'm in my right mind. My messages never seem to reach. When I'm sideways you always read them. I don't know what it's coming to. Saying things I've never said before. Doing things I've never done before. Feeling in a way I've never felt before. Drinking things i've never drunk before. Burning things I've never smoked before. Why does this feel like deja vu. Everything that's happening feels so familiar. I'm feeling like a zombie. It's like I've died and come back to life. It seems like every night i lose it all. Then gain it all just to lose my thoughts. Sometimes I just want to remember. It's hard when I'm always in two minds. Two different people at the same time. I got some stuff I'd happily forget. It never works the way I want. I'm starting to think the whole world knows. I'm waking up cold and you're waking up alone. Taking walks at the witching hour. Only burning to keep warm. High is never high anymore. Low keeps getting lower. I just need some life. Days and days of this. I just want to fall into it. I'm tired of tripping and getting back up. You want to be exclusive but look where I am. Reading too much into it thinking even more. Theres some truth in everything even when it's a lie. Know all these girls sound just like you. Everyone is fighting for the same. We both won and lost. 158

Blame it all on what he mixed. So hear me loud and clear. I'm a zombie so lead me the rest of way. Not in my right mind so take care of me. Do what'll be good for the best of. You're getting everything you craved for. Just not in the way you thought you would. The hangover will ruin my morning. I might not remember tonight. So let me tell you that it was great. Saying things I've never said before. Doing things I've never done before. Feeling in a way I've never felt before. Drinking things i've never drunk before. Burning things I've never smoked before. Why does this feel like deja vu. Everything that's happening feels so familiar.

Do you have a reason to be scared, yes. Strip for me. Lust issues. Hungry for it all. Lots of changes People and feelings. Oh what a collection. We go up, then we go down. For me, for you, for us. This club is for life. This gang is crazy. Drink up, consecrate. These are the moments. Never forget them. Cancel everything you said. Because when it's all over you won't honour your word. Clear bottles, window view. Muddy burn, dirt tracks. Pink pills, orange potion. The world's on tap. Anything and everything you like. Pop those pills. Just get naked. Make that noise. Loud as you can be. Taste yourself. You first, me next. 159

Touch yourself there. This is our madness. Unexpected and impatient. Look up and catch my eye. Try everything once. Blindfold, taste test. One night secrets. Long term pleasures. Free mind or free spirit. You're far from immature Do what you want. Older and open to new things. You're a fast learner. Let's do something unconventional. You're an action girl. So talking isn't on the menu. One after the other. Let's not be half hearted, My distraction will be your distraction. So let's each take time. Drinking that voodoo. Catch me on that cross. Make me a crown of thorns. You've been tormenting all my thoughts. Time to do something about it. You're only as good as your last job. You've dealt me a deathly blow. Now let the ground swallow us both up. You said you've never hugged a millionaire before. Listen up and listen good, I'm only rich in thought. Locked doors and fresh sheets on your bed. The talent never been lost. Jump right in it. Baby, go missing. Black Hole for your lost dreams. Old pain and the days you want to forget. You can do it all alone. or. We can do it together. You pick. Thinking it's going to go your way. Be realistic for a second. Stop fooling yourself. You want me, I want you. So let's fuck the rules. Let's release the passion. Raw thoughts, raw feelings. Those are the best. Stop holding back. Stop building barriers. Let's just go crazy. 160

I lost track of it all. Can't remember when most of it happened. You loved me first I lusted back. You hated me before we last fucked. You came before you had left. You dreamed of being my woman. That idea didn't seem to last. I was the first thing on your mind. Way before I was in front of your eyes. I was behind you before you knew my name. I mean you knew my name but didn't know what was in my heart. Now we got the same things floating in our lungs. You drunk what i drunk but neither of us were drunk. I knew what the tape would look like before we recorded it. You felt me way before you heard me. Talking about ink before you could even spell my name. Seeing how your first name would look next to my last. You was over him before i even tried get over her . You was on me before he knew he'd been replaced. To this day you never saw more than 3 rooms in my place. I hit a home run on my first go never touched any base. You thought i tasted good way before you thought he hurt me. Trying to get this all in order. What came first. Who didn't manage to cross the line. The nice finish last. Neither of us have been good. So lets make the best of this situation. Our sort of news travels fast. We need to keep it to ourselves. I don't want you fighting back tears. I'm just tugging at your heartstrings. This our song so go on dance. When it's all over i ask one thing. Pray for me baby, pray for me. This isn't the drugs. This is all emotion. Not the man you want me to be. I know you think you have me all worked out. I know you hear this all the time so I'm going to say something different. I'm just like the others maybe even worse. Even though you've never experienced someone like me. You will relate to all the ones gone and all the ones yet to come. You must be think i say this all the time. I'm just saying what's on my mind. I'm walking on sunshine. It's been a while. We could not try at all. Sit here and crave silently. Please stop tempting me. 161

No sex before marriage. You ready for a wedding? No rush, one step at a time. Just mental stimulation. Let's talk for hours. Voice to voice. Face to face. No typing. No confusion. No misunderstanding. Can you do that? Did we do that? What did we do? Do you have the right to potentially ruin a good thing before it’s begun without giving it a chance because of your insecurities and fears. No.

Spending most of my free time trying to write, I'm trying to do whats right for you and the bump getting prepared for all the sleepless nights, the end is no where in sight, looking at my goals they're crazy for some one who has a fear of heights, scared of not making it, getting stuck on a lower level, nightmares of having to make another deal with the devil, hell is not a cool place to be but that's what i seem to foresee, I try not to stress because I'm already stressed, deadlines I try to forget when I'm pressed for time, I know you want to talk, we got issues that need to be addressed, I just can't commit to talks right now, so could please give it a rest, I'm sacrificing sleep these ambitions don't come cheap, I'd rather watch you sleep while i work through the night, we're already too deep, I've always been the black sheep, no words for those who doubted, don't say a word, just leave them think it's unheard, when it's time we'll free the caged bird, watch it soar, the worlds ours to explore, we got so much in store, i don't want to battle you, I don't want a war, all we seem to do is argue and fight, I told myself tonight was the last night, despite everything i tell myself, you're my light, I'm hoping we got time rewrite the tale, grow old at the pace of a snail, never stop talking when I'm away working barrages of emails or a letter in the mail just so you can have something authentic, when i found two were about to become three it hit me like a ton of bricks, early mornings hearing you being sick, that gave me the kick i needed. I know you're the man of man of the house but you're never here, I got all these fears that you're never coming back, paranoia is whispering all sorts of things in my ear, when i need you, you're never near, do you know what yesterday was, it's been two years since we lost him but one since we gained her, it's been such a blur, a child needs their father, I'm not trying to stir, maybe just a bit, right now I'm regretting the split, thought it would make you commit but you seem to be the only one benefiting, I wonder what the days are going to bring, if you don't love me anymore it's not a thing but there's a girl here who'd like to see her father, so maybe you could pull some strings, make this happen, hoping the fat lady don't sing, you must think i'm using your child to get myself a ring, you used to be my king but things changed insults were exchanged, I admit some things i done were over the top but you made me deranged, dreams of driving a range, from that to this it feels so strange, i won't even lie, there were times i prayed for a miscarriage, even though we crossed all those bridges, glad i shared your vision, now we're got an addition, that turned you into a magician the way you make your feelings and self appear and disappear. 162

I'm always in the capital of france, I'm just trying to advance and build a better life for my own, everything i do is a game of chance, it's all one big gamble, one big risk, I think about her everyday, i wish i was there to give her a kiss, the separation was hard to swallow but it's a dish i served myself, so it would be wrong to ask for help, all i want is to put a smile on your face, hers and more, while filling up that shelf, a trophy, certificate and a few awards, these phones calls make me want to choke myself the with the cord, It's like you're holding a sword, asking me for things i can't afford, if i provide then i get to speak to my daughter as a reward, you toy with me when you're bored, that shit has got to end, I just want to be your friend, i don't mean to offend, we had something beautiful but some of the things you do i can't defend, we got a little girl on us she depends, if we can't work together, always trying to ride out the weather, the calm after the storm, you alway seem ready to act up, always ready to perform, every thing you tell me seems to be wrong, long time no see being honest it could of been longer, the urge to see my princess was getting too strong, maybe this was your plan all along. You moved house and i was the last to know, her second birthday you was the last to show, you're not here to see her grow, i gave up my life and let go of all my hopes and dreams although i would not swap being a mother for anything it was something major that was bestowed on me, even though i have no complaints, being a single mother has its constraints even though i try to be a saint, I can't say i'm not tempted to see other males, don't want to bring another man around my daughter and it fails, while you're god knows where writing tales, at times i feel frail, i need a mans touch, attention to detail, at night i cry, i still remember the day you said goodbye knew that was it, it makes me mad because i could have had any guy before you, now they hardly form a queue, I'm damaged goods, thoughts of what i should of done then i think of what you could of done if you knew I'd done it, this all came from lust, the move from that to love to hate to love again, it's been hard to adjust, I know i can't even trust, you anymore because you're sleeping with whores, you think i've not looked through your drawers, then you have the audacity to darken my door, i say this because no matter what i say or how much i pour you'll never notice my tears falling on the floor and the heart you tore, into tiny pieces. Babe, I've been working hard, at-least have a heart, look what i done to give her a start, she shares my blood too, i don't understand the things you put me through, it's like you're a few screws loose, i can't work you out, you confuse your bullshit for clues, all i want to do is see my flesh a few, more times a month preferably a week, send me some pictures to my email so i can have a peek, see how she's coming along, I can't ring her because you always want to speak, which proves why our future is bleak, it's revenge you seek for the hurt that you claim that i brought, even though you was part of the same gang, we both heard the same notes when the fat lady sang, we defiantly went out with a bang, don't pretend like you've forgotten, you know that phone rang.and those letters i sent, i wasn't a perfect gent, i tried to an extent, yeah sure i missed an event or two but honestly i was not intent on doing that but sure it left a dent, you really want to tell me out of all the money i sent you non of it was spent on yourself, you threatened me with abortion twice knowing that i'd bite the bait, then came the eighth of the eighth, looked into her eyes, my own clean slate, from this point i was going straight, wish things could be easier but this was always going to be my fate.

Fritz Perls
Swapped a hawk for a snow bird. Now the weekdays go faster. 163

The weekends i can't remember. Yesterday was friday now I'm back at my desk. I'm out overnight when I'm in. Lay the blame right next to me. They introduce and expect us to get on. I can't show their shoulder to cry on love. When it's all going good we're friends. When it all goes bad I'm poison. Her friends know what we are but they don't want to believe it. They'll co-sign anything even if they didn't see it, they didn't hear it. They didn't feel it but they think they know the most. Suddenly they got a friend right here. Who can love them more and treat them better. I guess it's a coincidence that they're fucking their brother. I need to think, the next move is everything. From lust to like to love to hate then all of it again. Still battling the same things i thought i'd defeated. Once it's in her head, all she needs is an excuse While i'm sleeping, she's going through my phone. If she's ever seen us talking, she's on her profile. If she don't know her their name, I'm not allowed to see them. All these rules got me keeping secrets. I try to let sleeping dogs lie. They won't stop bitching. Who is at fault. A fair shake. Hoping i'm in safe hands. Meeting all these new faces. Everyones got the same agenda. Don't stop me greeting them. It's weird to think they want me now. Until i say i don't share the same thing. Then we'll both fade into the shadows. Motives best kept in the dark. Staying up all night. Think I'm afraid of sunlight. We was cursed with choice. Now everything ends in divorce. Grandma told me it can always work. It didn't exist in their time, so why does it in ours. Maybe our generations are too far apart. We're ready to give up from the start. It's easier said when it's not your heart. A friend in need is a friend indeed. My excuses is always that I'm helping out. She thinks all of them are in high places. She thinks my heart is always pure. Truth is i need breaks from her. I mistake good friends for enemies. Inside looking outside at them looking in. 164

They won't stop knocking. I won't let them in. It's cold outside. I don't want them to settle in. I'm not as happy as i used to be. Things ain't how they used to be. A little bit of growth, get used to me. Hard words break no bones. No one ever listens. Still trying to crack codes. Better safe than sorry. Who will apologise. When it opens. Blow doors. Let the world see whats behind them. Theres nothing new under the sun. Will i still be able to say i looked on the bright side. All this talk of who i apparently slept with. Always getting up on the wrong side of the bed. Same way i slept is the same way i woke. No man is an island but I'm here alone. They're the same as their words, no substance. Empty vessels make the most sound. Idle people have the least pleasure. Spending all their time talking rubbish. A leopard can't change their spots. I smile at some things soon they'll be funny. The emotion behind the words, will they ever know. Feeling like a penny waiting for some change. I signed one, then i signed two. Now it's an excuse to pass through. All i seem to hear is don't fuck and duck. I'd rather you said hit and miss. I'm conspicuous in absence. You can't lose what you never had. He misses you, I miss her, you miss me. Tell me how it isn't the same. This is the story of my life. Blank names in my own book. This is all down to experience. Swapped eggshells for the tightrope. Best is the enemy of good. My own don't believe in me. They never reach the last page. I'm not the only one here. I'm selfish with the thoughts. My happiness for their happiness. Swapping emotions for company. This one is from the heart, take it in. Judge me on this, judge me good. 165

Being labeled as depressed. Keep hearing I'm lonely. Just because i want to be left alone. You can't love and be wise. Right people, wrong time. That's the bottom line. Grew out of marriage. Another formality. Looks good on paper. Is it worth what its written on. Just give me my family. Love will find a way. I want to come home to a heroes welcome. I've reached the point of no return. I'm an old head on young shoulders. Two sides to every story. So whose side is this. Drinks with niggas i used to love. Ignoring phone calls from women who can't let go. Waiting for a reply to a message i never sent. Trying to throw my self off the scent. They say no hard feelings. I've never taken the easy way out. Can't say anything without being asked to explain. Soft answers turn away their anger. Still stuck with the trouble. Flashbacks of all our hands in the middle. Now all i see are backhanded compliments. They're economical with the truth. Fact is stranger than fiction. They still ask if this all made up. What inspires me to bleed words. Life is short and time is swift. This is everything in-between. Avoiding everything the doctor ordered. A busy tone keeps him away. Closed and shut down. Yet still in business. What's the solution. A change of heart? A change of pace? Still cut my nose off. To spite my face. Trip down memory lane. Wish i could pause their life. Till I'm ready to regain. My own claim to fame. Just as everyone is leaving. More seem to come in. Confused to which ones are my friends. 166

Or who is just here to witness the end. It's crazy because I'm just getting started. "I do my thing and you do your thing. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, And you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you, and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful. If not, it can't be helped." Sunshine state Welcome to the sunshine state. Everyone's happy, everything's great. Bombing narcotics we aren't supposed to take. Yeti footprints all over the table. Watch the snow birds sniff away. Baby, I'm just a burn away Drinks keep flowing everybody's twisted now. Everyones got something dirty in their system now. Where the plumbers at, I got a burst pipe. If he can't come, I can roll my own. Suggest you do the same before you break another bong. Barefoot, ripped clothes, you're looking like a rockstar. If you feeling like going light menthols or cigars. Turn the bedside table into our own bar. I'm about two cups away from forgetting who we are. Only smoke my own, hate feeling like a passenger in a strangers car. The worlds messed up you can never be too sure. Depending on how you mix this could be the curse or cure. Down your drink let me take you on a little tour. You can look at the ceiling or down at the floor. You can stare right at me but that involves shaking a drawer, or two. Making a mess, like a raid, cops and robbers, where's your blues and twos. Anything you find, Isn't mine, that green green grass, snow white and blues clues. Even if you come across something, this is the sunshine state, you can hold something. I like my women a little bit thick, thighs touching, bum shaking, let me hold something. We're old enough to make a few mistakes, the life of a bunch of twentysomethings. This is where the sun shines, if you got heavy thoughts never say it's just nothing. If you know you got a lot to lose i would not advise bluffing. The sunshine state you haven't got anything to hide here. We're liberal not judgemental, you got nothing to fear. I'm not the best shoulder to try cry on but got a decent ear. When you're ready, pour another, this potion won't drink it's self. Anything you want, you can have, go on and help your self. Why be in two minds, why sit on the fence when you could be my shelf. I wouldn't say I'm a collector, I just like having pretty things. Mystic dragons, let's not stop to start, this that blue magic. Overdose if you must but don't lose control, that could be tragic. 167

What you trying to get over, heart break? Damn, that's traumatic. Burn another because smoke and stress, thats emblematic. Pain is relative, take it easy and lighten up. Thats just another excuse to light one up. Bleed red, holding that suwu, raise up. Any reason to break out the red cups. I got a toxic stick, you ready to jump. This is a rich junkies burn, call that the trump. Bad bitches, light shone, they was just pups. They couldn't see forrest for the trees, should of remembered G.u.m.p.s. We got a check list and everything gets checked off, everything good for lift off. Creativity is rife in the fumes, you know how much inspiration is in this room. Failure comes in any shape or size, can't even scope from the costume. Ever seen your greatest idea become a lead balloon. Writing something potent, wheres your lighter and spoon. Hope that's a fresh needle, you'll regret this if it's dirty. I can testify money does grows on trees. Where does the paper i write on, come from. Asking for sneaks, nah i don't write for free. Get your hindsight straight, while i foresee. Tomorrow is never promised but it's looking peachy. Take away the sex, drugs and metaphors, what sort of man would i be. That's another question for another day, probably say the same thing on judgement day. My life in my own hands, fuck destiny, fuck karma and fuck fate. The potion makes you move slow, so I'm always late. A life in the day of a resident of the sunshine state. Still getting faded on the muck my old woman hates. I fear no man's words, I burn the the same dirt they dig. They can never tell me about real because they ain't it. Faith in my self, i can always make it work. Never rush into it, not one to make knee jerk. Decisions, die for your beliefs not an opinion. I want to go out with a bang like leon. I can scope the dirt marks on any face. Next time take it slow, it isn't a race. Love me good when I got that grace. Affection is one thing i've never had to chase. The only problem is that attention comes with insanity. I try tell them I'm not arrogant just self aware, they don't believe me. Fuck my confidence and every other trait they see in me. It always boils down to some sort of vanity. I'm the sunshine kid on that sunshine shit. This is the sunshine state, empty bottles, half pills, snow flakes and a full ashtray. This is how you slow down a fast day, rays shine on past like bombay. An indian summer just new stresses, common highs and different names. Thinking I'm going to let a little bit of rain ruin my mood, my sunshine state. They say I've been high for days, I tell I've just been visiting the sunshine state. These trips are a favourite of mine. That Hans Zimmer, we get lost in time. Inception, baby, it's all in your mind. 168

I'm the architect of this dream. The lines are straight, the utensils are clean. Read all these passages that i designed. Hazeandblur, that was the city line. UB40, Red lingerie, red, red whine. Make me forget, give me a reason to recline. Welcome to the sunshine state of mind.

Cafe mocha
Session. Walk and a burn. Gravel and wood. …And some glass. Seeing is believing. I want it all, i want it all. Let's go get it. I got a plan. Show me your triangle. How we gone take over the world. We got to do it in silence. Me, you and a couple of demons. Welcome to voodoo city. Away with the old. In and out of lust. Hand on heart I gave out many chances. It was fun while it lasted. Lust issues painted everything red. Now i don't what it symbolises. Way out in the jungle. A different type of potion. Never mixed like this. The bigger the cup. The better the effect. Me and Friday. Living for the moment. Building for the future. Left home they said look out for the love of your life. Now I've moved on they keep asking me if i'm all-right. They'll never understand the journey i had. Dimmed out rooms and chilled glasses. Long way from what i'm used to. Went from one before bed now i need two. My thoughts dancing in the moonlight. Dreams of sleeping off that voodoo. They say my stuff is always full of mistakes. I tell them the grammar is the same as the life i've lived. I don't always proof read because no one in life stops me. 169

From doing wrong so that's how i end up writing it. It's all ironic so you have to laugh. Some say my creativity was lost. Claim I'm corrupted by my vices. My life is as honest as i write it. It's unfortunate if you don't like it. Turning down a dose is bad etiquette. So it's puff, bomb, hit and riding fades. Kriss kross, whole world back to front. Art is not a crime but I'm always bailing out. Some of the responses can be over top. It's been months, I'm still jumping walls. They just build their barriers higher A taste for destruction, bulldozer. Ignore all the mess in the past. This feels like the real deal. Never getting drunk in vegas. Anything could happen. I can't take that chance today. Tomorrow or the day after. Scared of making them mothers. So you can guess what fills my nightmares. They say see what happened to your ex. You're the only one who can save her. I tell them it's been so long, i don't even remember. Some of the feelings, i miss her but don't need her. When you're single they're all an option. It's hard to sift through the advances. Everyone thinks they can do better. It takes a certain type of man. To be able to say no to them all It's harder when you love it all. You decline then they hate you. Telling me sad tales from their past. Saying I'm proving them right. Like i never said it was wrong. How can one man do this. Sitting here with Frei. Trying to work it all out. She asks me what's my next move. I tell her lets hit some more dirt. Catch joke 'til the morning. Laughter is the best medicine. I'm on my deathbed. I refuse to die today. So let that potion give me life. Me, Chris and Gena-mour. Everyone else isn't the same anymore. They don't make them like they used to. So I keep all the good ones close. 170

I need space when i got so many enemies. Makes no sense to make friends of them. I hardly acknowledge their existence. So this is me showering them in love. I'm picking at threads, never happy. It's just not the same as envisioned. Crazy the way it keeps falling apart. Lack of effort or materials. Working with what i have. Late nights packing bags. Last minute get aways. Waited too long. Week old messages. Hugs and kisses. Missed calls. Voicemails, I'll never listen. Fine blend on the streets of paris. Let me set the record straight. Lack of love isn't a reason to hate. Dark skin, minted, after eight. Chocolates on pillows. Never feels like enough. She's never able to make the trips Feeling home sick even when I'm back. Not sure where my heart is at these days. Love isn't always where my head lays. That's why i try watch where i stay. Light sexual repartee, youthful dalliance. This is how it all starts. Back to what i know. Taking cover from my own rebounds. Free throw thats another point. I'm not even keeping score. So i never settle. Is this what my life is. Doubting marriage. Beliefs elsewhere. Takes more than a signature. To make it all work. Takes more than pharmaceuticals. To make this work. If they ain't happy, then i should't be. I can't really argue with their flawed logic. Spare me an attention seeker please. I'm tired of hearing them speak. Big arguments they storm out. They're back with their tail in between in legs. Trying to convince me I miss whats in-between their legs. Don't hang around baby, just use your legs. You're just in it to win, I don't want to play. 171

All those ultimatums failed. Now you're stuck doing things my way. I can't really bothered with all this. Spent enough time with wasters. Now I'm saving what i can. I got better people to spend it on. I'm not a charity to be giving it out free. It comes down to i really need you. Or, is it you can't live with out me, You'll say it was nice but you ain't bothered. So tell me why you're running back. Or, maybe did you forget the facts……..

Black Cab
Missing all the things. I was used to. Counting down the days. Until I'm home again. Feeling the distance. I didn't even get to say. Goodbye. Faded while fading out. All those days we spent. Doing nothing. I miss them. I'm on tour with. The devil. Which ways home. I still got some dates. Can't break the contract. That's out of the question. Nice guys finish last. I'm leading the pack. Went from eating the finest. Now I hardly eat. Used to fuck for the feeling. Now just to be able to sleep. That nut is like a pill. They want to cuddle and talk. I don't want to miss my flight. To dreamland. They want to sleep in my arms. While i stay awake. Trying to work it out. How the fuck can i get. Out. Of this. It's always best before it comes. 172

The thoughts. The crave. The plans. Then you fall right into them. No guidance. Finding your own way. Out of your depth. Red everything. A day of all that. Black everything. Phone calls out the blue. How's everyone? How are they doing? What have i missed? I'll be back soon. I just don't know when. I done okay with it. I just want more. Thought I'd found something. Lost it, now I don't know what to bring home. One after another. Chain of habits. Didn't recognise them before. Now they're too strong to be broken. Sent some things back to last year. Sometimes i wish i could go back with 'em. Is this how i thought it would turn out? No. Nah. Nope. I do what i do thoe' Always towards better. Thinking about the past. I spend a lot of time doing stuff i say not to do. I'm feeling a lot like Cobb. Yeah, I got a Mal, too. The essence of the femme fatale. They ask aren't you scared what may happen now it isn't yours? Honestly, No. Realistically, Yes. Either way i don't want to think about it. Sorry, I'm just thinking about it. Standing here with a brand new flock. Painted with colours of the previous. What's really changed. I don't know, I can't see past a lot of things Compulsive hoarding. Got the past issues next to the lust issues. Pardon me for any mix up. Constantly talking things i should have forgotten. 173

They're always feeling emotions they shouldn't have. It's one thing to be aware of all your flaws. It's another to gift them to the world. Try pass it off as art. Nah, this is group therapy. I don't say as much as i should. So, it always seems like you instead of me. It's been a few weeks since i had something home cooked. It's just been fast food and take aways. Everything they give, i just take away. Never stay long enough to thank them. Sometimes i get bored of a lot of things. I just want a camera and few other things. Dreams of learning to play the piano. Because Oscar would look cute next to a Grammy. From doing it to be awarded for it. Everything in-between makes me happy. Life could always be better. So, I live like I've never had it. Travel light, think heavy. I was gone on steady. Drawing up plans to leave the country. They don't think I'm ready. More life in a dead body. Neck kisses to remind me. How a soft touch. Can do so much. I'm feeling like everyones Ex. Example is better than precept. I didn't do this for anyone but me. They just to choose to live through me. Live by the sword, die by the sword. A victory pends for my vices. I'm living nice off them. So the death will be even better. A man of letters who never reads. And a few words who always speaks. Getting asked if I'm dating Freitag. Ha, I feel her like she was my woman. Unfortunately, I live for the weekend. The internet makes it easy to seem romantically involved. I got love for a few women but the vultures always trying to get involved. I learnt from a young age keep it private but never a secret. Conspiracies can make a belief unstable. Women don't being hidden away. So they'll attention seek their way. To the front. Then say it was the only way. They love to share pain. Then say you don't understand. 174

Dictate it all, then say this was your plan. When you have nothing to say. They'll claim you ain't trying. Some guys act like they don't love. So they act angry all the time. Women are good because they can be transparent. When surrounded by men, It's a bunch of brick walls. Keeping you safe from the outside but you can never really see what they're feeling. They get paranoid when you're not speaking. Then they speak loose, now look the ship's sinking. Everyone go on save yourself. Bang, bang, let the shots ring out. Ignore the phone, down some more. What's perfect? because i don't think i lived it. On everything i love i can say i miss it. It's a messed up world but we're stuck with it. She said she she's never had a drink with fire on it. I told her blow it out and make a wish. Pictures so they can see how it's going. Videos so they can see the champagne flowing. Would i pick this over hot wings and cider days? No way. Pick model women over the solid babes? I haven't even got to answer. Sat in an office, questions being fired. She asked where I want to be 10 years. I told her way out your pay grade. They say i got a great sense of humour. Difference is I'm being deadly serious. They say I'm so sarcastic. I'm just taking it for what it really is. Back seat rides around town. Passing places and the memories come flooding. Sand bags in place bring it on. All the old spots we used to visit. Feels different when you're alone. It easy to say let go. When you never felt it. It isn't just the people. It's the feelings. They're never the same. I'm just homesick. They get on with it. I still miss it. Sometimes I'm local but i won't visit. I got a target and i got to hit it. Heartache can be the biggest set back. Monumental seizures are out of the question. C'marn I ain't that fat. Thoughts of all the things i lack. 175

The old cottage, Voodoo city. NOV1 2TH, Sunshine state. Someone send me fan mail. I want to hear from everyone. I wish you was all here. Maybe, I'd enjoy it a bit more. It's all changed since last year. The next one is almost upon us. Wonder what one is going to bring. I'm at my destination, speak later.

D.E.A.R – Breakdown
FUCK! I don't think i can do this anymore. I've had enough of these fucking bright lights and fast girls, I've just been suffering from these headaches and stuff, I can't even go see the doctor he will either refer me to another therapist or give me a drug test and who knows what the fuck he might find. I just want my bed, I'm tired of all these hotels and late nights. 176

I've been looking at lights home, they're all booked up, fucking annoyed. Work is doing my head in, I can't even think straight most of the time, going out is a mission for me, I feel used and abused…i don't think my body can take this anymore, I've been finding it hard to sleep recently, you would not believe the lengths I've been going to, to get a decent nights sleep, as for women? women….I think i've had enough women to last me a lifetime. I'm in love with this creative woman, she really does something for my soul she isn't like the usual…artists, designers, writers….inspirational…she's special, she's an amazing muse, being able to reflect their ideas, experiences, thoughts onto a canvas, piece of paper or in a song, beautiful, ever so beautiful….i feel her real bad but hen I'm in love with an academic woman, intelligence is so attractive, when she speaks or fights her point, i listen in wonderment, you know those women chasing dreams of being lawyers, politicians, doctors, CEOs, if they have that desire then they’re so attractive, well this one is calling my name. I’m in two minds i love them both well…when i say love, you know what i mean. I need some time out man.

Me and my daughter in paris. Anything she wants she can have it. Me, me, me, me, me and my daughter in paris. Anything she wants she can have it. Me and my daughter in paris. Anything she wants she can have it. Me, me, me, me, me and my daughter in paris. Anything she wants she can have it. Perfect your craft. Raw stones into diamonds. 177

Sell it on for a profit. Send you to private school. Cute dresses just for you Shoes matching your bag. Mum's a designer. No one else rock it like you. That's because no one else has got it. Specially made for you. Daddy's little princess Keeping the throne warm for you. One day you will rule from it. Bring something different to it. Grow up to be a queen like your mum I got my eye on all these lil' princes. Behead for messing with my baby. You won't understand now. Not everyone will love you. But they will use you all up. I see the bigger picture for you. Mummy was an artist. I'm her biggest advocate. She made you so perfect. I'd hang you up in a gallery. So everyone could admire my baby. The critics will talk their talk. They don't always understand. Art is long, life is short. So you will live on after me. Daddy is a psychologists dream. One day you will understand it all. We will talk for hours till you fall asleep. A time capsule so you can set it right. If you inherit one of my nightmares. I will be there to fight the jinn away. The Quran says no greater honour. So i will bring you up properly. Set you on your way. When the sun folds up. When the stars fall. Losing their lustre. When the mountains vanish. I will still be there for you. Your hands are so small. I will hold them till they fill my palm. Mummy was an explorer. So you will see everything that she saw. Time works wonders so we will all meet again. Some place far or maybe closer to home. Beware of greeks bearing gifts. You was a trojan horse I'd never execrate. 178

Blessed is he who expects nothing For he shall never be disappointed. Reliable, compatible, spontaneous. That all i asked for and i was given it. The story is new but a continuation. If you was part of it before…. I don't see why you would not be part of it now. I'm not wise in name only, Think, say and do. Mummy was a dreamer. You was born from the broken ones. I watch you in your cot and i try see it all. From a baby to a grown woman. Her fathers daughter, blessed with you. Walking around the castle i built you in the sky. From a pipe dream to a beautiful reality. Mummy was a chef. Her food was the best. I never went hungry with her. The things she'd make from nothing. Ironic that you're one of those things. You're the greatest thing to come from her oven. When you was born I watched you as you cooled. I fought myself not to grab you and hug you. They said it was traumatic, you needed time. I never understood but your mum would. Mummy was a nurse. She took great care of me. In my darkest times. She never saw me down. When i'm old and frail. Maybe you will do the same. Never see me in pain. Make the hard blows softer. As i look into your eyes. You're too new to see me back. I know you can hear me. So i speak these words for you. I hope my voice always stays. Just giving you that advice. Mummy was a driver. She took me so many places. She picked me up in the slums. Took me to some place greater. Sometimes we just cruised. No words needed to be said. We enjoyed the moment. When you're old enough to understand. We will relive those same trips. Mummy was a teacher. She taught me so much about life. 179

Made me a better person. I can't replace her. Just be a better father. I can't do it alone. Maybe we'll find someone. A new pair of shoes. No one can fill hers. Your tiny feet can try one day. We'll be okay, I'm sure of it. Her memories will live in you. I will tell you all i remember. Mummy is an angel. She's looking down on you. She sit's on both our shoulders. She guides us and always will. We lost her, but i gained you and you gained me. She delivered you but she didn't make it. Sacrificed her life on alter on behalf of you. Same day we mourn her death.. Same day we celebrate your life.. It's better to have loved and lost. Than never to have loved at all. It hurt's that you have to go with out. Those who the Gods love die young. Caught in the crossfire of two types of love. As we drive away from what we lost. Fresh start in a new place. New brooms, sweep clean. A new lease on life. So i will name you Bénie. That's what we are. Me and my daughter in paris. Anything she wants she can have it. Me, me, me, me, me and my daughter in paris. Anything she wants she can have it. Me and my daughter in paris. Anything she wants she can have it. Me, me, me, me, me and my daughter in paris. Anything she wants she can have it.

Sui Caedere
Me, myself and I. I came here to win. I haven't even tried. Wearing black everyday. I could die tomorrow. Dressed for the occasion. 180

I'm tired of starting shit. Nothing seems to take off. Head feels like it's gonna explode. Bursting at the seams. Fast women, bright lights. Making requests. Eating my time. Not what i came here for. Business before pleasure. In my life of work. Pleasure brings business. Mix them like my drinks. Good and bad spirits. Bad bitches are played out. Taking all of Gods good girls. Stolen fruit is always the sweetest. The last woman sets the bench mark. So the next gotta do the same then better. Wind them up and watch them go. Everyday seems like the last day of summer. When the autumn wind starts to blow. Keep turning over new leaves. You can't reheat love. The passion is past it's sell by. Tying up all these loose ends. Every goodbye is retorted with an i love you. How many women, how many broken pieces. Took 'em from the man, he can take 'em back. Revert them back to the pure state. I'm the biggest enemy of mine. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. Empty glasses and ruined hotel rooms. I paid peanuts, I got monkeys. This is life, all my doing. Robbed peter to pay paul. Sitting on rooftops looking down. Can death pay all my debts. No way can i go back with less. In and out of lust with it all. I'm my own manager. So i could end it all. Just sack my self. Snap out of that. I know i got it in the bag. Take them all by storm. Something is brewing. Rain on whose parade? Man of my own making. Judge me by the company i keep. I came alone and I'll die alone. 181

So review me on that. Pay me in good health. Cards on the table. I'll play first chair. Head up my own arse. Talk up my own thoughts. I always come through. My very own Infinite loop. Dip back in time. Pick up my one of pasts. Back to the future. No time like the present. Every things good by my watch. Hands cross, my clock is ticking away. So i got one more in me. Before i settle down. 21 next overlap is 22. I ain't going round again Spend the rest of it with her. I trust myself, do you trust me? Invest your emotions in me. I'll make you rich B. Toast after toast. Keep bringing the house down. Come into my own. A thousand more. Before i fall onto my own sword. Nothing succeeds like success. No matter what you say or do. Nothing comes to it. Blood, sweat and tears. Pyrrhic victory. I ain't gonna battle again. Where will i be in 20 years? Same place i will be in 40 years. When I'm in, I'm in. Live rich of the memories. A journey is a journey. Traded in shank's pony. Now It's first class. Dream for a living. Bring it all to reality. Never retire. Die on the job. Home is where the heart is. It's everything i do. So i feel it everywhere I go. Even when I'm six feet closer to china. I hope you hear me everywhere you go.


It's been one for the books. I feel like a virgin again. Fresh faced, All smiles again. Mint haze, easy burn. Drinking screwdrivers. Dressing like it's summer. See everything in a new light. Skip, hop, few house parties. Cruising on broadway. Catch a show. Stay pure. Waters on ice. Slice of lemon. Clear mind. Light thoughts. Rooftops to gardens. Blowing O's over fences. Taking everything so easy. Going dutch on meals. Popcorn, regular screenings. Reality shows on the weekends. Public transport getting me where i need go. Holding my own bags, 8 hour sleep. These are my. Red carpet. Dreaammmssss. On for the girl next door. Chill then move next door. No more flings. Eternal partners. I'm chain-free. No ex wife. No kids. Can't wait to have 'em. Small town living. Strolls on the high road. The end of the road. Got to go back one day. That day isn't today. So, I'm about for a while longer. I can stay another night. Home cooked meals. Even better company. Great conversation. Still a bad boy at heart. All i can say is i can try. Pearls of wisdom to the school. 183

Damn, this used to be my school. Tell 'em not to do everything i still do. These are my. Red carpet. Dreaammmssss. Recognised by those i know. Talking on a first name terms. Saving numbers, calling back. Time is moving and I'm chasing. Live every day like my last. Never know when that may be. I don't even care, done what i had to. If i don't make it to tomorrow. Haze and blur for me. All those. Throwback. Memories. Remember that you had me. Love me for life you gave. Cross out the hate, both ways. Just think good of me. That's all i ask for. A little legacy. All the best of me. Lives on in you. Life after death. Immortal. Death before dishonour. And it still stands. Even as i lay here. These are my. Red carpet. Dreaammmssss. I lost my way. Forgot what my roots were. This tree is deep down. Back to what i know. Drinking heavy. Walking proud. Dripping in nescience. Blind to it all. Looking real ignorant. Dropped it all. For the better things. Tears of joy. Grade A. Class C. Dress down. Eat well. Cough then pass. 184

Winter nights. Calm conversation. Group hugs. Still clannish. Tribal friendship. Requited emotions. Candle lit dinners. Good drink. Toast to the future. Friendly faces around me. One big family. This is how we're meant to live. Clap for us. Those were my. Red carpet. Dreaammmssss.

Dressed in all black. Check my get up. Time to fight some crime. Where's my parter in it. Make a bit of venom Nah,let's do this dry. I just got those visuals. My mind won't wander. When my mind don't wander. Then crazy things don't happen. Everyone stays smiling. Whoa, miss when I'm gone. I'm into this, think of me. Get your costume on and join me. Night time that's when i do what i do. Know you wish i was home with you. Bad decisions make good stories. Late prayers hoping i pack it all in. Imagine losing me to a party. That effect is crazy. Go, go, go again. Read it up, digest it well. That's that HBAL+ZUER. See the way it changed it all. I know how you felt when it ended. I know that because i lived it. I know that crave is painful. Feeling angry and bitter. That comes with the trip. I'm on the rooftop looking out at my city. 185

Thinking what it has in store for me. I owe my self to it. It me so much. So i got to pay it all back. So i live the way i live. Drinking this dirt. Smoking that filth. My blood's real muddy. I ain't gonna say too much. You know those thrilling tales. That's me and you, hear that clear. Don't want me to ever go. Hate it when i'm not there. Everyday I'm not home, you miss me. Those one liners can never explain. So you know just where to hit me up. Put that bat-signal up, light up the sky. That distress call, I'll be right there. Let my villains know I'm still around. You do that to remind me. That's my hero, my saviour. That's my future, my everything. That's my superwoman. That's, th-th-th-th-tha-that's my superwoman. Only a few know my identity. When i got to switch up. Jump in the phone-booth. Fly off with out notice. I never know till i know. Then i go to do it. You got that patience. Let me go and do what i got do. Never revealing my kryptonite. Never giving up my secrets. Never giving them the chance to kill me. I appreciate you for that. Fidelis ad Mortem. You got those academic skills. Put that brain to work. Keep yourself busy. Devil of a time. All in good time, I'll be back in no time. Before you know it. See me fly down. Is it a bird, Is it a plane. Nah baby, It's your man. Pour that potion. Back to never-never land. Make this the promised land. 186

Keep staying true to me. Couple man try turn your head. You know where real be. That voodoo keep me here. You keep working on your skills. You'll be with me in no time. Fight those baddies, side by side. Hold my hand, fly over it all. Show me how you kick that ass. If i lose focus, i can expect the same. That's my hero, my saviour. That's my future, my everything. That's my superwoman. That's, th-th-th-th-tha-that's my superwoman. I'm just peter parker. An average kid with special skill. Feel like i got bitten by something. Now i found my calling. Spider senses tingling. I'll be there when I'm there. Shoot you with my web. Want to see what else i can do? Fuck that, let's make it rain. Ever had a kiss upside down. Seeing pink elephants, so twisted. I ain't gonna lose myself. Rather go home for my dinner. Than waste this fade on a snack. That good sex, send me straight to sleep. Let's go again in the morning, make this feeling last. I love the way you do that thing. While I'm on my crusade, I think of you. You know i'm playboy and i entertain. Serving out those weapons of mass destruction. I've paid the price, believe I've paid the price. Got this chest plate, save me from the shrapnel. This suit keeps me alive, so i drink to my hearts content. You don't even ask who done me wrong like that. That's why i fucks with you even more. You got that envy, know i love that shit. Got that care, that clear conscious, that loyalty Other mother fuckers trying double my price. But you never take your eyes off the prize. Fuck all those jokers, They be two faced. People may say all sorts of things. You lot that phase you,you're the best. Now hit this special magic. Let me show how much you mean to me. Give me something to write about. Fighting all those demons. 187

Tonight you're going to come with me. Suit up, wearing something bad ass. You can be cat woman or storm. On all fours, you're fantastic. I'm not trying to be your x-man. You're not even my side kick. Got that position secured. My main chick. That's my hero, my saviour. That's my future, my everything. That's my superwoman. That's, th-th-th-th-tha-that's my superwoman. Late nights fighting crime. I'm on that, she on that. We on that. Facing those demons. Side by side. Fighting tooth and nail. Love bites and scratches. Intoxicated with a distorted views. Half the city sleeps. While we do us. Write this shit. Live this life. Me and my superwoman.

Travis Barker
I'm dying to know. What's the meaning of life. Why everyone keeps going missing. Why God keeps on taking. Leaving all the pagans. Took me 10 years. To drop a few tears. Burying the ones I love. Two cups on deck. One full, one empty. That's the tribute. Life is too short. To ride on grudges. Words can change everything. So i stay writing, stay writing. Never leave anything unsaid. So i keep putting it out. Big steps, small ones. Who cares as long as you get there. When it's your time, be there. Their memory is alive. 188

In all who still love. They be angels now. So they walk with me. So I'm dancing with death. Fighting my son in my dreams. That's child's play. Asking why I never loved him. Told him daddy was blind. Couldn't see him. Left empty handed. Now i miss him. Tell your mum i need her. I'm making peace with the world. How am i meant to be at ease without her. Other day i lost my auntie. The next day i lost my best friend. I'm on the side of the angels. Time to face my demons. No smoke without fire. My everything is going up in flames. Burning up expecting change. I don't even now who's my bredrin. Tell me who cries at my funeral. So i know who stays until the end. Faded while lost in memories. Having fears of forgetting them. Searching on all over my body. Where the hell can i put them. God strike me down if i lose this. Where i came and who i came with. Everyone who looked in my eyes. The women who kissed me. Always kept it 100. The old boys who spoke to me. Never told a lie. My family who hugged me. Didn't water down our blood. Unlike those with little faith. Those snakes who bit me. Those homeboys who dissed me. Those stabbed me in the side. Then left me, I thank you. That's another learning curve. That's another experience. That's another tattoo. That's growth. That's me. "I tattooed my body so I couldn’t fall back on anything. I purposely did that so I couldn’t get a normal job and live a normal life. I did it so I had to play music.” 189

That's me. That's growth. That's another tattoo. That's another experience. That's another learning curve. They said it will come easy. How come I'm close to tears. Headaches pills can't cure. Money is on my mind. Trying to jet away from this. A big watch for the time. A big house to get lost in. Young and gifted. Faith moves mountains. There are tricks in every trade. Working my socks off. So i can draw a line in the sand. Not the only pebble on the beach. Mouths i got to feed. Drift off to sleep. Dream of more things. Live them tomorrow. My tongue is so silver. Worth it's weight in gold. Catting for that diamond. So i can put it on her finger. That's my jewel in the crown. Everyman needs that. Self praise is no recommendation. My woman supports me. Lay low and sing small. Keep everything at bay. Some people live to destroy. Bring that pearl harbour. Ruin everything in sight. Blinded by hate. Insecure and empty. Searching for their calling. Losing touch with reality. They need a saviour. They're too busy talking. The whole world keeps walking. Simple minded workers. Never reach them heights. Laughing at others dreams. While they live a nightmare. Tearing up relationships Their heart lies in pieces. That's those haters. 190

Saying they keep it real. They don't the meaning. Rude is never cute. Trying to sit pretty. Nice guys finish last. These lot, never start. See this focus. Blood, sweat and tears. Ink dries quick. Know i did it. Never forget i did it. Show them we did it. Try to get better. Build on success. They said this could kill me. Just getting on with it. Only getting better. Marked up with milestones. That's another learning curve. That's another experience. That's another tattoo. That's growth. That's me.

Let's smoke out the room, Go blind. I got that dirty, dirty, bring that clear Yesterdays trouble. Blow that clear. Going to stop, very soon. Say something, speak slow. Where's that stimulation at? Can we get to business? No games, no small talk. Thoughts and craves. Can be so unhealthy. Let it be known. Touch down. What a pass. Oh, what a move This place right here. Is this one you like. Love what i found. Pumping though my veins. University was long. So i cut it short. Living off those lines. You can do it too. 191

Just take a crack. Some call it blind luck. I'm just pure and simple. Stumble on some good 'ish. That shit potent as fuck. Get high as hell. On that power trip. See the way you inspire. More wood in the fire. Need to get a bit off my mind. These days seem to be a load. You got that voodoo? hit me. Let's see what i can write. Serendipity feel so right. No pride in achieving low goals. So let's aim above our potential. These vices ain't that good for me. Make my life a little bit shorter. Overworking, it's showing. Need a break. Drive or walk? walk. I want to pace while i think. More drinks, less lights. It's easier when you're high. You write best when you're clean though. How come you keep dosing bro? See those pieces you really like? How do you think i made those! All down to fine art. She was made in the best image. So my work reflects that. She my fallen angel. Down here, getting dark. She's just asking for trouble. Devil finds work for those idle hands. She's pretty tied up, sure she'd agree. Advocatus diaboli. Angels and God. Try out your wings. No more waiting. This is your time. One plus one. This the sum of. Work up a thirst. An intellectual. That body match up. Talk until the sun sets. Swap secrets till it comes back up. Passionate nights. Set off those fireworks. 192

Watch this display. The best in it all. In every way possible. What's her name, That's irrelevant. But not what she do. Give each other life. If one of us lost it. CPR saves the day. A leopard can't change it's spots. So i gave her couple of mine. Know she likes those. She, she, she, knows what i like. More actions, less talk. Just what i like. She's tight as a drum. I don't ever miss a beat. Know my way around it. So no time wasting. Muse over it all. It's easy to change an idea. Harder to change a belief. So she believes in me. While i stay shining bright Star in her eyes. Bless my lucky one. Wish upon it Always towards better. Had to bury the past. Let me speak to them. Welcome to the morgue. Trying to revive the dead Stop believing in miracles baby. Speaking because you can't leave me. You don't want me but you need me. Talking but you never hear me. Trying to hook me back in. You need some time out. You'll never find a way back in Ran dry, so go on bite the dust. Nothing ever gets done. You time has passed. Your lights out. That's life.

Coming back to an empty house. No ones home, feels like no-one ever will. 193

All i want is a calm state of mind. Need all of it to be balanced. Trials and tribulations. Full of pensiveness. Wistful thought. All i seem to have. It's illegal to feel. I just want to remember. Discouraging experiences. Lacklustre performances. Desolated and weary. All so i can build Injecting this cocktail. For that equilibrium. Our emotions suppressed. I missed a dosed once. Never been the same since. Questioning all thats around me. Imagine they realise what i done. They will destroy me and everything that i do. Show no sentiments, we ain't even living. They said emotion can get you killed. We're just a bunch of zombies. Pretend we never feel. Hit another dose. Regular injections. Destroy everything that rises emotion. Hide what we love and can. Never let them see. Living in a police state. Can't be who we want to be. I'm a sense offender, like you. Been 4 days sense i hit one. I'm seeing things so clearly. Shame they will never know. Hankering for many things. Can't be covetous because i could have them. Just want to something better than this. They don't accede or they're just sightless. Trapped in the system, their blood runs slows. Ohh oh, back in the system. Messing with my conjuration. How am i meant to create. So if i can't be me. How am i meant to live. If everyone is dead. Nowhere in sight or out of reach. Tremulous inspiration is not what i need. Spending another day ruminating. When i should be creating. 194

Done nothing to spark it up. Fear makes strangers of people who can be friends. It's so lonely when everyone don't have the secret. Keep missing to take what they prescribe. Build it up, release emotionally charged. Saying everything out aloud. That's how i make people talk. Want them to have what i got. Feel what they've never felt. I got to sacrifice myself. So those can experience. Parting with my dreams. When they're gone. I may still exist but i would of ceased to live. Genius is the talent of a dead man. So i got to die for a masterpiece. Want them to read a book. It's not even been written. Reading all this stimulating text. Making me change my ideas. I don't have any beliefs. Lose all the excitement. Just to get the job done. Getting my dreams out. So they don't murder me in my sleep. Trying to start a revolution. Want the whole world to feel. Release them all from this man made prison. The things i really want, I'll never have. I can die a martyr or a saviour. Prophet is not without honour. They will never realise in time. When my time comes to pass. I hope they see it all and agree with me. Read it and feel for me. Time to overthrow the regime. Me and the resistance. Show them how beautiful life can be How pain comes with it. Fuck all the propaganda. Let it all loose. Bomb it all. Feel what you want to feel. Betray the leaders who lie to us. Live free.

Betty Eadie
I know the lights shine bright. 195

Here's my shoulder for you to cry on. Never thought I'd see the day. Me, be left holding the baby. Uh. Listen son hear me clearly. I got a few words you need to hear. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Just stick to what feels good in your heart. I'm sorry to say, you will get lost along the way. You will suffer and your mum is going cry a few tears. I won't be always be there for you, so I'm leaving you this message. Maybe you will get it better than i ever got it. I hope you don't get caught up in the wrong crowds. I did and almost lost my life a few times. If that had happened then you would never have seen the light of day. I thank God for keeping me safe, I'm happier you live on. While there's life there's hope, so you show something. I spent a long time without my daddy, I just want you to be better. These women will come and go, you haven't met the one yet. So keep it all superficial 'til the time comes. Don't stress your mum out if she can't get you those nice things. Daddy is always out working so mum got to play both roles. Don't let the roads adopt you by filling the void you feel. Child is the father of the man, so be a poster child. You come from a good home as any other. So don't ever show an ounce of envy. Work hard, give yourself a new lease of life. Little man be the best you can be. If you live the fast life, you'll die young. Young men may die, but old men must. Just make sure you're the latter. The most important lesson you're going to learn. Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness. So lead from the front, your future is bright. I'm telling you because I've seen it all. This is your story, I'm just trying to bring it to life. I'd give up mine to give you a new lease. I had the time of my life, I want you have a little more. The child born from hope, the angels walk with you. I'm with you every step of the way. Your life is in my hands. I'd never swear on yours. Alway's on mine. Not everyone will stay true to you. You're just going to have to get on with it. Don't look back just move forward. You'll meet a few more but not her. A few bodies will fall with a couple of tears. Friends will become enemies while you're stuck in the middle. 196

It's hard to shine in the shadow block but you're the light. Get out and make me and your mother proud. Always remember to strap up. You're just a house and weekly payments to them. They aren't your future so make 'em your past. Skip away happily, smile when you need to. Angry faces might get you hurt. Keep your hood off, mistaken identity just took two more. Fish in troubled waters keep your self on dry land. Keep making people laugh that'll take you far. Respect your mother, paradise is under her feet. Show no fear being a coward won't get you far. Just know when to call it a day. Always be logical don't make your mum tear for you. If you know you can of walk away, walk away Fighting isn't the only way, kill them with smiles and intelligence. You're named after the same man i am. Live up to it and be a wise scholar. Spread your teachings from land to land. Couple guys won't like because of what you have. Try take it away or your soul from your body. Don't trouble, trouble 'til trouble troubles you. Make sure you keep your secrets. Never make a promise on your name. Word is bond, stay loyal to those true to you. Don't be a man who speaks in haste. This is your story, I'm just trying to bring it to life. I'd give up mine to give you a new lease. I had the time of my life, I want you have a little more. The child born from hope, the angels walk with you. I'm with you every step of the way. Your life is in my hands. I'd never swear on yours. Alway's on mine. Always towards better that don't stop today. Tomorrow will always better than yesterday. Your foot's in so many doors. They'll think Jehovah's witnesses are in town. Take them by surprise, never let them down. You're only as good as your last Job. You're only rated on your next job. They'll try force you to be humble. Just don't try bite the bait. They'll say you're no good because you're arrogant. Father like son, you just know your self worth. Keep being aware and conscious, always be better. Don't stop doing what you do until some one pays you. A few women will throw themselves at you. 197

They'll tell you they love but not the way she does. One, two, will try destroy you and drag you to hell. Conflict can't survive without your participation. So drop it out as you go on and up to new heights. Let the traitors doubt but never lose out. Just because they got you fearing to try. They'll die a thousand times before they stop breathing. You my son will only taste death once. Then you'll be up here with me. Thank every one on your way here. You had it hard but you never gave in. It's not your time to come be here yet. Go back and tell every one i miss them. I'm just giving you pearls of wisdom. I've already lived my life so I'm telling you. I was you once now you're me again. Your life just flashed before your eyes. Near death experience, one of life's greatest experiences. The doctor is almost done, He's just closing it up now. Don't forget anything i told you, make sure you take heed. People deserve another chance sometimes two. So you're getting another go at it.

Joie de vivre
Sex, drugs and red carpet dreams. That's what the fuck this is. Two puffs, watch her go crazy. Hazing, while i lose it all. Came quick, time wasn't on my side. She's wearing my watch so it's on her right. Watch the way motherland hangs off her neck. My throats on fire while she dances. She goes bad, real bad. Happy, no stress, todays friday. Guess how I'm going to spend it. Fuck feelings, while fucking feelings. They say I'm going to live to regret that. Always towards better that don't stop today. Pastel nail polish on that manicure. A pedicure for her killer heels. Red lipstick leaving stains on my polo. Going for long rides she's on top horseback. I lead her but don't need to force her to drink You can hear how great i am from her mouth. Then a twist for the worse and she's on her high horse. Folders full of smut that will never surface. She's well on the rise thoe. Got hit with that voodoo now I'm a zombie. 198

She's still got all those train tickets. Since she's been on the wrong side of tracks. Haze street, Blurville, man about town. Welcome to the team, blow smoke. Day i lose i interest don't remember me. I'll be chilling with a headache and a sore throat. Getting my beard stroked drinking that lemon and honey. Giving up smoking and drinking till i get better. I'm in a class by myself and she'll never cut that. Mama bear said life is all make believe. Rich said change your ideas, keep your beliefs. So I planted seeds while i found myself. What's going to grow if you don't believe in yourself. Now I'm harvesting my ideas and feeding everyone else. Those coffee babes asking what happened to the vanilla babes. Real life looking women asked why I'm not into those model looking women. They look good with that six-pack but I'm looking to hold something. I'm out for a woman with a little bit of meat. Like a blind dog in a meat market, out of control even thoe I am it. One man's meat is another man's poison. They trying to get set up for life, off one. Chain is no stronger than than its weakest link. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. They can pop something, walk away with africa. They can run or hide but they will pay ones debts. Pay back in their own coin. Cohiba Behike, stinking rich. Terre d'Hermès, Raison d'être. Cherchez la femme, S'il vous plaît. Rocked the boat now I pray for a smooth take off. Put the flags out, the kid done good. Last one got me a couple mock ups. Now I'm waiting on the real McCoy. Few lovers said they was trying to fake me out. Like say they're pure as driven snow. A stained state but a clear conscious. Stayed true to the only person i really knew. A couple streets away from being self made. Sun shines but not a shadow of my former self. I'm grinning from ear to ear. Schools out for some of you. So your boards going to get wiped clear. Kept my nose and hands clean. Yeah i got down with a snow bunny. Yeah, she screamed bloody murder. This life is addictive. Happiness is that drug on the market. Cork high and bottle deep. Smoke and mirrors. Still seeing clearly. 199

The soul of discretion. So no names. Never save one. This feeling will be gone in a new york minute. A new pack, dose, few bottles and new blood. Come like a breath of fresh air. Getting twisted, lifted and sticky. All down to this bag of tricks.

The Story
It's about to change. It's all about to change. Suspect behaviour. Feeling unsettled. Trouble in paradise. Not sure who i can trust. Red cup inside the blue cup. Drinks with sweets in them. Flames dancing on the top. Smoke that's so heavy. It clouds my vision. I'm in two minds. A few lost their faith. I can tell from the way they're speaking. Surrounded by guys who all want to be heard. Looking at females who all want to be loved. Opinions holding the same weight as facts. Can't remember the last time i wasn't faded. Harsh words from guys who used to have my back. All because I don't always have time to reply back. The men these days are worse than the women. Even I started to believe the stories that were circulating. I can fully understand how telling lies makes you feel better. How many nights did you cry yourself to sleep? How many days do you try to forget my existence. I'm a million miles away, trying to keep the distance. Drunk phone calls blame that on the fade. Silence ever since, blame that on the change. I always say I'm going to quit smoking. I'm not going to quit. I always say I'm going to stop drinking. I'm not going to stop. Night spots, catching a late show. I'm not here to spend money. I just like to be entertained. That's why i lend my ear to many. That's why I listen to all their stories. I never give them a time to call back. 200

I'm too busy with opportunity. She never tires of knocking. Apparently i never tire of fucking. How many women am i linked to. They ones who want me hide behind rumours. The ones i want seem to be already behind me. So many questions on their mind. You won't know. 'Til you ask. Assumptions and speculation. Two things I've never liked. So let those issues burn on. A few arguments i choose to sleep on. I might say something that will be final. Decisions are harder when you don't regret. A few choose to not tell me the truth. They fear what my reaction might be. Silence is usually my answer so let it be free. Thoughts about every demise. I'm not sad because it happened. I feel in a way because you believed it. Even after it all, I'm still loyal. Never speak bad about a brick i lost. My human castle stands strong. Loose words might make it unstable. Things used to be crazy but i changed it. I used to do some things to make the love stronger. Now i got a different approach because those are longer. There for me, I got a new way of dealing with things. Everyone claims perfect but i never see it. Half the world is pretending to be happy. The other half over embracing the sadness. I hardly ever see fair balance. Everyone is concerned about how they're portrayed. I wore my heart on my sleeve then went over it in ink. To remind me that shit might be difficult. But, with handwork I will overcome it. Stories of suicide because they couldn't take it. Called for an ambulance they never lived to regret it. Popular faces pushing the ones they don't like to the dark side. From being an outcast to taking their own and being the past. A few took their own life but God took the most. Six funerals in year, no weddings. Tears dry then new ones shed. Family at war, that's the grief spreading. Car crash, how did i survive though. Shock to the system, more time to grow. No more goodbyes, I'd settle for one hello. Random phones to find out how I'm feeling. Truthful sadness because they hear I'm leaving. 201

My future lies elsewhere. I'm sorry. I have to stay true to me. In my absence, I hope they stay true to me. One face or two got lost in the struggle. You win some, you lose some. I'm just hoping for a jackpot. I used to do some crazy shit. I'm just happy i learnt to stop. For some it was too little to late. For others it's a big improvement. That's the change of life. I can be on my high horse too. See? My shit don't stink. I'm a person, first and foremost. So, see, I feel too. I have problems with people. I just don't say who. I'm not as petty as i could be. So, I don't piss my day away. Dissing people who couldn't care for me. Trying to get a reaction to see if they care for me. Got a few belated responses, better late than never. I had dreams of changing my peoples fortunes. It's sad it never came true. Well not in the way I'd of liked. Spent nights writing up their stories. Now I'm writing my own. They say don't give up, you're good at it. I tell them i got to slow down so i can live it. Saw a random stranger on the train reading my book. Damn, if I wasn't checking for my stop i'd not have looked. It's crazy how things turn out, funny what words can do. I'm telling people in my shadow, there isn't a thing you can't do. If they don't believe, i say look at me, I'm living proof. Show a little growth and they call you a hypocrite. I learnt from my mistakes, only broken records contradict. Eliminate a few from your circle and they ask who hurt you. Some don't want to see you grow up so they'll try hold you down. The one's with sore hearts will have a field day if you bite their bait. They'll say it's only banter, they haven't got the energy to hate. Then talk about you everyday like you're the only thing on their plate. It's hard to shine in the shadow of a tower block, words from the estate. We're almost here, I swear it's time to celebrate. I'm with a few people some ain't the same mates. Fuck time, I don't use that to measure friendship. Same way blood don't make you family. That shit is all relative, because it's relative. Questioning every move i make. Whose life is this anyway? 202

Whose line is it anyway. Whose drugs are these anyway. Damn, don't get caught carrying. What happened to the stress i was carrying. I stopped judging and started living. I stopped worrying and started tripping. Almost joined the two loves i lost in october. Still do all my best stuff sober. This is truth, this is the message. Time is ticking, long way to go yet. So i can't wait to write what it brings Because my story is far from over.

I'm here with some accolades. Some praise though not enough. They said i'm the next best thing. That's crazy because i don't feel like it. Drink with lemon and lime slices in it. They told me to stay professional. So i had to let a lot of things go. Creative differences, shut some things down. That dose gave me that lift up I still tell her I'm not addicted. 2am in the car with the girl they refused to accept. She's cool with a new guy, that's good. I'm happy that she's happy. Another one from the past got a child on the way. I pray that everything goes safely. It's like all my friends are having babies. Lord can you please not tempt me. A female I got on my eye on asked me. How many crushes do you have lately. I laugh it off, she laughs too. Thinking about when my jaw was in two. Wired shut i couldn't even chew. Metal and plastic and i couldn't talk. There's so much i wanted to say. I was looked after, every need taken care of. Operations, pain killers, overdosing. Asking myself if the pain was worth it. So many things i couldn't understand. It didn't turn out the way that i planned. Trips out the country undercover. Needed a break from a break. I don't know if i can do this anymore. Maybe i should start doing something different. People telling me to not be stupid. 203

Wrote a piece it went viral. So i wrote a few more. Now they don't stop asking. Poison gave me that energy. Now I'm on that cross fade. Everything is everything. I always said this would make a story. Long weekends I never wanted to end. I love the faith that I'm still shown. That day i thought i changed the world. They can have it all with no regrets. The memories are better than the experience. Now I'm feeling like i have it all in my hands. Spending days looking at dream houses. We both know it's just a matter of time. Even though my future in this country is unlikely. I know if i asked you'd drop everything and join me. We don't say those eight words that's too deep. 600 pages filled with the year I've had. I'm nowhere near publishing When that day comes. We'll celebrate. Sometimes i think of the past years. Phone call and you crying tears. I'm on the other end running scared. We're too young for all this. I don't think it's mine. Fear made me deny. I'm fresh out of school. What can i raise. I've never had a job. I've only ever been a paper boy. I can't provide for my own boy. Or, girl, I'm not even sure. Of what what it is, or. What this is, I'm lost. I know you're lost too. What we going to do. Look what we've had. Where we're going to. I'm not saying take it's life. I'm just saying we ain't ready.. To be perfect parents. I told you I'd always be there. These days we never talk. I'm never here, You never hear. Anything that i got to say . Does that mean i failed. I picked you over everything. That meant I never went jail. 204

Yet I'm still imprisoned. What if I'd listened. To what you had to say. Now It's me and the lost days. A few years down the line. Dealing with the grudge of time. I'm telling the truth. All she hears are lies. Every other time is her last. Yet she keeps trying. I can't stop lying. Next to her. Do you know this feeling. Heaven on earth. I know that you still cry. It's hard because you already said goodbye. I didn't believe it and you know you spoke a lie. Maybe you was tired of turning a blind eye. Sometimes i look out for you. Watching the clouds in the sky. Watching my birds fly. Never seen them so high. November the 12th. Thats my day, your day. That's our day. We always done things our way. That may not have been the right way. Islands apart feeling like a cast away. Sometimes we got carried away. Made plans that seemed like child's play. A lot of things have changed. Rest assured I'm dealing with it. I didn't think i'd see the day i wasn't with ya' I told you, you were my guardian angel. I wasn't lying either. Someone said we needed time apart. A hell of a breather. You're not going to say anything? Well me neither. I'm jumping from timeline to timeline. Some days i'm a psycho. Others just another cunt. Sitting here thinking of the memories. A few flashbacks now I'm lost in it. I'm no good with time keeping. Can't name a day I've not been late. Train station meetings but you know your way now. I do all the things i begged my father not to do. I'm a man now and i make my own decisions. Working all the time, smoke when i can. 205

You get out what you put in. I'll soon to withdraw a cheque and something terminal. Angels walk with me and keep me as safe as possible. Pick up all the pieces and put them together, Yh it's probable. I just don't have the patience, It's the cheapest virtue. So now an apology for the way i hurt you. I wish all the best just incase i never give it. A few people called me crazy. Shukran for the way you loved me Shout to my mother, I love all my sisters. To all those who've come and gone. To all those who are still here. Who would i be without you. Takes a woman to make a man. So take a step back and see your creation. I love all these women who shaped me. I'm in the limelight of the women who changed me. You're the ones, I'm just basking in your light. Hand on heart, every-night is our night. Your contribution shines so bright. You're all in everything i write. Some of you never left my side. Some of you are out of sight. I'm still in your limelight. I hope I'm doing it right

D.E.A.R – Holidays
Alright? I've been thinking, me and you need to talk, like properly, no screens, no typing, no technology, just me and you, face to face.


The past few months have made me understand where i am in life, how far off i am from what i really want and how far i got to go to get it. I've had some grand highs and some grisly lows, I've seen relationships end as quickly as they started, I've made some friends for life…well i hope so anyway, I've lost out on a few people, others would say good riddance but I appreciate it for what it was, I'm sure they could say the same. I’d hate to fall out with some one like me stubborn as anything, I’d especially hate to lose someone like me as a friend the qualities i posses even when you take into account all the negative ones are striking. Humour, eloquence, excellent repartee, loyalty, wisdom, intellect, proficiency. I guess i understand why it’s easier to hate losing a great person than it is to mourn them amicably, I find little credence in other theories. Ah, such is life, I don't know….you've been on my mind lately and well….. I know your last treated you in a certain way but please drop out this pretence…just be you, you’re cool…but this whole new persona you’re trying to put on…I’m not them..they made mistakes and they hurt you but I’m not them….half full not half empty….just keep that in mind. Stop daring men into doing silly things because we will do it..all we need is an invitation and we will do it, act disinterested and indifferent when we do it but at night when you can’t sleep and you have these heavy thoughts…remember it was you who brought them upon your self. Reverse psychology, cold shoulder treatment, false encouragement, mind games. All these things hurt you in the long run but you l guess you love the feeling of being in control or with all the cards or whatever…then comes the power shift usually after you’ve lost your leverage or caved in to the other side to rectify the damage you done in the first place anyway but whatever works for you…..just friendly words of advice. What ever thoe', I'm back for the holidays, so if you're free let me know, you can come down and spend a few days and nights away from it all, maybe we can chill or something.

L 'Amour xXx

BONUS Chinese whispers
Haze, Blur. Eh, party time. Nigga get twisted now Smoke something illegal. Drink till you're paralytic. Wake up in a pile of trash. Scars on your face. Cuts on your arms and legs. Lose your phone for the 5th time. Red eyes, don't sleep for a week. Have sex as many times as you can. Dip raw, so you live to regret this shit. Haze, Blur. Haze, Blur, Haze, Blur. It's all drugs and sex. Scream for attention. Blame the lack of love. Now we're trapped in this. Pray for me before you sleep. Go missing for a week. Lose your voice then burn more. Don't eat for a week, look sick. Overdose on some class a. Pick up from shady characters. Contemplate suicide. Talk about the past. Self reflect. Go down on who ever asks. White powder on every surface. Ash out on the body of your last fuck. Cigarette burns, who told them to OD. Haze, Blur. Haze, Blur, Haze, Blur. Haze, Blur, Haze, Blur, Haze, Blur. Yeah. Talk about death. Then cut ourselves. Watch ourselves bleed. See the blood trickle down. 208

Share needles with new friends. Fuck unprotected, multiple partners. Home run with strangers. It ain't fun unless it's an orgy. Blame God for everything wrong. Worship the devil because he's always right. Suicide pacts, drop the acid in the punch. Voodoo dolls with hair from our exes. Kill our one night stands. Then cook 'em and store the rest in the fridge. Haze, Blur. Haze, Blur, Haze, Blur. Haze, Blur, Haze, Blur, Haze, Blur. Haze, Blur, Haze, Blur, Haze, Blur, Haze, Blur. Cum in mouths. Then watch them kiss each other. Soggy biscuit, digestive or jaffa cakes. Swallow razor blades so they cut you inside. So you can feel like those whose heart you broke. Fuck your enemies lover, get them pregnant. Let then raise your child, Never show love. The streets can raise them, they can take it over. Smoke crack and weed with the fibre glass in it. Fuck our health, live to die. Tell 'em you love them just to fuck them. Keep coming back just to break 'em. Chastise anyone different because we're different. Make a list with everyone you hate. Then sneak into their house and kill 'em. Make love to their corpse, pretty bows in their hair. Slow kisses on their neck, their blood runs cold. Tub of vaseline if it gets dry, never get old. Haze, Blur. Haze, Blur, Haze, Blur. Haze, Blur, Haze, Blur, Haze, Blur. Haze, Blur, Haze, Blur, Haze, Blur, Haze, Blur. Haze, Blur, Haze, Blur, Haze, Blur, Haze, Blur, Haze, Blur You fucking crazy? Think we do that. We just drop into our thoughts. Float on layers, walk in different rooms. Fuck when we're twisted. We trying to live. Fuck, we going to kill ourselves? Trying to get the most out of it. Spiritual mother fuckers. 209

Act different so we ain't like you? Talk before you know us. Don't you get bored of talking shit. We're mostly over the counter. Never see us in an alleyway. Every night we find our own beds. Crushing or crashing in their bedroom. It's just a group who said it was a cult. Narcissists in love with every one who is in love with us. Fuck, you don't get bored of making up shit?, You don't have nothing better to do? Forever talking some horror or demon stuff? You know how obsessed how you seem? murderers, rapists, necrophiliacs, pedophiles or satanic or whatever its called, you think we sail in the same boat as them? fuck. get a life. Ask us, before you slander us. Fucking losers.

Divi filius
This is our day. So let's go crazy. Let's go crazy. Let's go crazy. Almost burn time. All red everything. This is the day we did it. We're about to do it again. Where's my woman. Where are all my advocates. Where are my main men. Where is everyone who didn't believe. Do you know what day it is? I know what day it is but do you? Today, we're about to take over the world. The world is there for the taking. So we're going to take it. Two hands on the steering wheel. One on her neck. Her spare one lining it up. Underwear down by the brakes. Where we driving to. How we going to celebrate. Mud slides in big cups. 210

Filth sticks those dirt fades. I'm at my own party. Half of these people don't seem happy. It hurts me to see them force it. Blaming me because i had change of heart. They should have not forced me to break it. They say i fell off but they managed to hang on. Overheard the girl who said she wants to marry me. On some shit about marriage is overrated. She's talking to the girl who said she wants my kids. They're standing way too close to the one I'm crushing on. I'm sure I heard one ask another where she's seen her before. A few bitter ones in the corner, i see them plotting. A few guys looking to make their move. A match made in heaven but a devil of a job. I done what i done but they never belonged to me. If they want to hold them down, by all means. Make an honest women out of spare parts. I still got to circle the room a few more times. A faded memory said we don't hang no more. He got an idea, claims it's fool proof. All he needs is my backing and it's done. Gold diggers hardly ever strike it rich. A few people don't seem to have made it . Her new man probably won't let her come. Because his new girl won't let him cum. No woman can serve two lovers. Hobson's choice will make her crazy. Friends holding hands with enemies. Politics makes strange bedfellows. Even the best of friends must part. So i can't hate them for finding someone new. Forgive and forget, accept to except. Faith will move mountains, who will move me. So many toasts, most of my drink is on the floor. My brother from another keeps making that music. All work and no play makes jack a dull boy. So tools down and i party with him. My blood brother still thinks he's gods gift to women. Those reality checks, he can't afford to cash them. My little sister said she wants to follow in my steps. You should of seen my dads face and how my mum wept. If this don't work out, I'll still be rich in family There's no place like home. So here's where we hold the party. Half of who i came with are on their last legs. You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. Hold it down, might makes right. It's crazy to see it all come to light. 211

Props to the man who said the futures bright. No going back, we're far into the night. My handler said i came true, she hasn't ever lied. Just passed a guy who said I will never be anything. An inaudible compliment, I'm just happy he swallowed his pride. They sung with the faintest praise. Happy belated, well at least they sent it. A few well done cards signed, love failure. Great highs and gruesome lows. How else would i learn how to appreciate. Happy is the man that the sun shines on. I've not stopped smiling since i came out the rain. My mentor put his hand on my shoulder and said. Don't forget anything that i taught ya' November is already a month to remember. They want a transcript for every conversation i have. They want receipts for every purchase i make. They always got something to say. Or should i bring out the arrogance for old times sake? I don't get it, why does your heart ache? Something i did? Something i said? Go on blow the candles out. Go on take the cake. You can have it and eat it too. It's our day after all. So I'm glad you made it. Got asked what i'll do with all this free time. I told them nothings free, i got bills to pay. Anybody seen the girl i came with? I want to show her my dreams weren't a myth. If she asks what I've been doing, I'll plead the fifth. Those stories could be incriminating. I swear I've changed for the better. I remember your dear john letter. I didn't believe a word of it. So I understand you not believing me Two sides of the same coin. I get why you're scared to flip it. Ignore those loud girls leaving early. Attention seeking, they love dramatics. They want a kiss by the door. I'm not that romantic. I'd be happier with out them. The process is problematic. They drunk dial then say it was an accident. Then ask about my day and if i'm busy that week. To see if they can become my future plans. Now this chapter is all over. I can settle those lust issues. 212

Breaking away from it all. Sometimes i need some alone time. Standing on the roof top. Today has been a good day. Sitting on this wonder wall. Watching my feet dangle over the edge. Today is my anniversary. Champagne glass filled with muck. Maybe one day you'll save me. See you on our next anniversary.

At the beginning of the year I had dreams and plans to change mine and the fortunes of many people around me, due to issues in and out of my control they didn't materialise, with that I went down a downward spiral and a snow ball followed. A few months ago i was in a completely different place from that i was able to create something amazing, that was Haze&Blur if that never happened I would not be where i am now and not been able to write this. The journey has been intense to say the least, the fact that i was able to say everything i wanted to say, in the way i wanted to, in the depth and detail, has made it all even better, I was told it takes a great man to recognise his flaws but a strong one to gift them to the world, with this i was able to touch subjects that i never thought i would, to the memories are worth more to me than the experience so i lose nothing. It wasn't just me who made this possible but so many others, those who shared good times, bad times, highs, lows, parts of their life, their desires, craves, nights, days with me and allowed me to give the best i could back. The emotional roller-coaster that I went through that came to be; Sex, Drugs and RedCarpetDreams is over….but it's not finished. A few days before i finished this i had a fear that I would die or come to harm before i could release this, today I'm able to say that i could pass away happy knowing i completed something that's put my mind and heart at ease, In a few weeks and months that statement will no longer be valid but today….today it is. 213

When this all started my mother sat me down and prayed for me, I can't recall it all but i remember it ending with "I hope you make it where you need to safe and sound" Ten minutes ago i was able to ring her and say "Mum, It's not exactly where I had in mind but I've made it here" It's funny what words can do but the story continues, always towards better.

L ' Amour


Life Rules
• Trust no one who speaks to a person who they claim to not love and has done you wrong. • Don't make a song and dance about a failed friendship or relationship, mourn amicably and get on with life. • Speak no bad about a person who says bad about you once the dust has settled. • If they can deny you then remove them from your life. • When enemies unite don't rise to it, give them enough time, they will disband and fight amongst themselves. • A friend who waits to see who is victorious before they side, is not your friend. • Friends > Associates > Affiliates. • You can't reheat certain emotions, once they're dead leave them. • Hate non, dislike with reason and never publicly, keep a pure heart. • Everything rests on loyalty, No loyalty, no base, no nothing. • You should not have to constantly check they have your back, if you know you have theirs that's all that matters till it's over. • "I heard" is something you should not lend your ears to. • Don't put your name on someone else's words just to give it weight. • Unless you know both sides in enough depth, stay neutral and give no indication. • An enemy of an enemy is no friend of yours. • Don't give advice that will change ones mind only for you to be held accountable and your name brought into disrepute. • If conflict is sorted only for new conflict to arise and they bring up previous conflict, ween of. • Peace of mind over most things. • If you sleep on it and wake up to it, act on it. I try to not live by many rules and be as free as possible but sometimes i feel the need to remind myself of some of my own that have always worked for me.


Boring stuff
There was a lot of work that went into putting this anthology together, I can't tell you how many countless hours were spent putting writing these original pieces. That means that this information has value, and your friends, family, and co-workers may want to share it. It should go without saying that you cannot post this document or the information it contains on any electronic bulletin board, Web site, FTP site, newsgroup, or... well, you get the idea. The only place from which this document should be available is Psymon L'Amour's Blog, Scribd, Twitter and FaceBook, Please note that much of this publication is based on personal experience and anecdotal evidence. Although the author has made every reasonable attempt to achieve complete accuracy of the content in this anthology, he assume no responsibility for errors or omissions. Also, you should use this information as you see fit, and at your own risk. Your particular situation may not be exactly suited to the examples illustrated here; in fact, it's likely that they won't be the same, and you should adjust your use of the information and recommendations accordingly. Any trademarks, service marks, product names or named features are assumed to be the property of their respective owners, and are used only for reference. There is no implied endorsement if we use one of these terms. Finally, use your head. Nothing in this anthology is intended to replace common sense, legal,medical or other professional advice, and is meant to inform and entertain the reader. So have fun with sxdrgsrdcrptdrms, Enjoy

Copyright © 2011 Psymon L'Amour. All rights reserved worldwide.


Sex,Drugs& RedCarpetDreams



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