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, the doorbell rings, he gets up to get the door. He walks over to it and opens it, and sees Jim at the door covering his neck with his hand. DAVE Jim! You're....20 minutes late! What gives, man? JIM I have a, uh, situation. DAVE You pissed yourself? Jesus. JIM No, I have a more serious situation. DAVE You shit yourself? JIM No! DAVE You murdered your girlfriend, and you have her body in the trunk? JIM What? No, Jesus, I got bit, man. DAVE What kind of chicks are you fuckin' around with, man? Dude, you gotta stay away from those Twilight fans. They're fucking crazy. Like Mormens. JIM I got bit by a fucking zombie, you fucking idiot! DAVE (suddenly concerned) Dude, you're bleeding a lot. JIM Really? I had no idea! Can I come in? It's fucking cold out here. DAVE
(snaps into the situation) Yeah, dude, come in. INT. DAVE'S KITCHEN, MINUTES LATER Dave is getting gauze from the cabinet, and Jim is sitting at the table, bleeding. DAVE Hey, try not to bleed on the tile, cleaning it up is a major bitch of a chore. JIM Can you just find the gauze, and not worry about the fucking floor? DAVE I'm looking... Christ! JIM Well hurry up! I could die here any second! DAVE You'll be fine, man. JIM Don't you understand how this works? Human gets bit, human dies, turns into zombie, zombie bites other human. It's an endless cycle. DAVE Don't tell me how zombies work, man. If anyone knows, it's probably me. JIM I'm not doubting your knowledge of the zombie virus, I'm just saying we gotta get me to a fucking hospital! DAVE Yeah, that's a great idea, and risk starting the actual zombie pandemic? You're talking about a building full of people with weak immune systems as it is! JIM Well what other choice do we have man? Look up a cure on the fucking internet? DAVE Well... CUT TO: INT. DAVE'S OFFICE, LATER
Dave types in 'how to get rid of a zombie bite' into the Google search bar. He clicks on the first link, and reads the discussion. DAVE This guy says Drano works best. JIM Are you serious? DAVE Well we have no other options! Now look, if you were bitten on your arm or something, we could at least amputate it! But you're bit on the neck motherfucker! Amputation of your neck is about as illogical as having a woman president! JIM Well.... DAVE Anything you're about to say right now is gonna be bullshit.(shakes head) Anyways, it's either apply Drano or die, man! So, what's it gonna be? JIM Well, I want to live, but-DAVE But you don't know if Drano is a viable solution. Look, neither do I man, but it's the only option we have! JIM This guy doesn't know what he's talking about! DAVE It's the official Zombie Fan Club Forum. JIM So you're going to believe 'ilovetehpussy6969lol'? DAVE I'm not the one who chose his fucking username! JIM ....Fine. Let's go. DAVE By the way, where's your car?
JIM Is it really important at this point? DAVE Well, we can go find it and get AAA to pick it up! JIM Fuck my car! It's a piece of shit! DAVE (pause, then shrugs) Good point. EXT. DAVE'S HOUSE, MOMENTS LATER. Continuous: Dave walks Jim, who is limping to Dave's car. Once Jim is inside, Dave walks around and gets in the driver's seat. The car backs up and drives out the driveway, and down the street. INT. DAVE'S CAR, A MINUTE LATER DAVE You know what I'm thinking about, Jim? JIM Not that I give a shit, but, no, I don't. What are you thinking about? DAVE I've seen all the popular zombie movies. And there's two things I've noticed. JIM What's the first? DAVE The first is that whenever the protagonists are fighting the zombies, they are aware of their surroundings and alert. But when they get bit, they're fucking around, being dumbasses. JIM So? DAVE All I'm saying is, if I was in a zombie apocalypse, I'd always be aware of my surroundings, and I'd make it to the end. JIM How's that?
DAVE Well, that's the second thing, barely anyone in zombie movies or series looks for a cure. They're all just trying to survive. But after you get the technique down, don't you think you'd be looking for a way to stop it? No, they just let it happen, because for some reason, everyone in the movies are a bunch of fucking idiots who don't like to stop the thing they're fighting on a large scale, just what's in front of them. JIM They're about as clueless as we are, man. DAVE Well, they may not have the internet, but they still have written records. They can go somewhere and research the epidemic and find a cure, but nobody does, because they're all a bunch of fucking idiots. JIM It's just a plot device, man! The people that write the movies are trying to stick to a basic formula. DAVE I don't think they should, they should find a way to actually save the human race instead of being picked off one by one like a bunch of fuck-asses. JIM I guess no one's as ingenuetive as you, Dave. DAVE Thank you, Jim. How's the bite? JIM Hurts like fuck. DAVE Hopefully not for long, man. Hopefully. INT. GROCERY STORE Pan down from isle sign: Dave and Jim walk into isle. DAVE
Know what else I've noticed? JIM What's that? DAVE When a main character in a zombie movie gets bitten, it takes fucking forever for them to die and then wake up as a zombie. JIM What do you mean? DAVE Notice how they're able to go through several scenes, and they're fine, they're unaffected. They're able to have full conversations without showing one sign of zombification. JIM A word I trust you just made up? DAVE You would be correct. JIM What's so wrong with that? It's just another movie element. DAVE I know, but, still, if anyone got bitten by a zombie in real life, it wouldn't take them all fucking night to die and turn, it would take like 5 minutes, 10 minutes max. While talking, Jim and Dave walk down the aisle, looking for Dranoâ ¢. JIM Well, I got bit at least 30 minutes ago, and I'm still fine. DAVE Ah, but you see, mi amigo, we are never sure if we're in a work of fiction ourselves. JIM Meaning? DAVE ...Punch me in the arm. JIM Are you trying to recreate a scene
from Fight Club? 'Cause you're doing a shitty job of it. DAVE Punch me in the arm, man. If I walk it off, it's fiction. If it stays, it's reality. JIM I'm not going to question what little faith I have left in existence, Dave. DAVE All right, I'm just saying I'd be right. JIM All I'm saying is that that's a terrible fucking way to prove that we're not characters in a movie. (points) There's the Drano. DAVE Ah ha! Gotcha! Now, let's cure that zombie bite! And if it doesn't work (loud) I'll have to shoot you in the fucking head! JIM Jesus, man! Keep your voice down! DAVE What? Our conversation isn't anyone else's business! PAN: left to customer looking wide-eyed at them, freaked out. DAVE (continued)(to customer) Hey, why don't you mind your own fucking beeswax you fuck? JIM (to Dave) Really? (to customer) Sorry about my friend, he has tourettes. DAVE Bullshit! That was never proven. JIM My point exactly. Both walk past camera. EXT. STORE, MINUTES LATER Jim and Dave walk to Dave's car.
JIM So what you're saying is that people would turn into zombies a lot faster than they do in the movies? DAVE Exactly. JIM You know what I think? DAVE What's that? JIM I think you have a slight case of The Truman Show Delusion. DAVE Meaning I can't tell the difference between my life and a movie? JIM Precisely. You're so paranoid all the time, plus, you reference movies like a mo'fugger who sat at home watching movies all summer. DAVE But I did sit at home and watch movies all summer. JIM My point exactly. DAVE Jim, I'm not crazy. JIM Then explain why we just bought Drano at a fucking grocery store to try to cure my zombie bite because you Googled 'how to cure a zombie bite' and that was the first result! Jim keeps walking, Dave stares at him. DAVE (pause) Puto. (starts walking) INT. DAVE'S CAR, A MINUTE LATER They are driving in silence. DAVE You all right, man?
JIM (pause) I guess, I'm just scared of dying. DAVE Well, so is every mortal on the planet, but, you know, man, it happens. You know? It happens to some sooner than they want it to, and others later. You just happen to be the unfortunate motherfucker who got bit by a zombie. So for you, you might die sooner than you like. And I'm not saying that there isn't a possibility that you won't die, I'm just saying, that, well... shit, I dunno, man! I've never had to comfort someone who's on the verge of death before! I mean this isn't a normal thing for me to do, so if I'm not doing a very good job I apologize, but, shit, man. This is like the most exciting moment of my life, you know? (Jim looks at him puzzled.) I'm serious! Not my first kiss, not being Homecoming King Freshman Year, this right here is the most exciting part. And whenever shit gets real like this, I guess I... just don't know how to respond. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is... death is a natural thing, even if it's as unnatural as yours. If yours does happen, that is. JIM Sadly, this is the only exciting thing that's ever happened to me, also, so, don't feel like you're being left out. Pause. DAVE Would you say that you regret not doing anything in your life? JIM ...I guess, man, I don't know. DAVE That's not really something to say 'I guess' to, Jim. JIM Well what do you want me to say, man? I wasted my entire life, and now it's going to end as a
pointless fucking existence all because I was bit by a zombie? DAVE I guess. JIM (long pause) You've been a good friend, Dave. Throughout the years, you-DAVE No! Okay! No! You're not going to die! You're going to be fine! Okay? Don't start with your final words. JIM You're the one sitting there telling me not to be scared of death, man! I'm not scared anymore! I'm perfectly okay with the idea that I could die tonight! Okay? Listen! You've been a good friend. You've never abandoned me, never done anything to ruin our friendship, nothing like that, you were just a nice friend to have, and I want you to know that even if I die tonight or if I don't. Pause. DAVE It's gonna be the gayest thing you ever said if you don't. JIM Whatever, man. (Pause) You think it's gonna hurt? CUT TO: DAVE'S KITCHEN, 10 MINUTES LATER. Dave has a cup of Drano, standing next to Jim with the cup next to his head, implying that he's going to pour it on his wound. DAVE (shrugs) Probably. Dave pours it on the wound, Jim cries in pain, falls over, and continues to cry in pain. All of a sudden, he stops yelling, and goes limp. Dave kneels down by him quickly. DAVE (wide-eyed) Shit. (pause) Well, that didn't work. Jim's eyes open, and look over at Dave.
POV: Jim DAVE Jim? You in there? Jim? Cut To: Dave running away from zombie Jim. DAVE shitshitshitshitshitshit Dave gets to his front door, but it is locked. DAVE Fuck! Dave turns around, and Jim stops and stares at him. POV: Jim DAVE Well, Jim. You were right! You're dead now! But that doesn't mean I deserve to go down with you, man! I tried to fucking save your life! Pause. DAVE Okay, you're a zombie. Just bite me and get it over with. Cut to: Regular POV Jim stares, and then bites Dave in the neck. Dave cries in pain. DAVE AGGGHH!! THIS HURTS MORE THAN I THOUGHT IT WOUUULLLDDD!!! Camera looks at blank background, then Dave jumps up into frame. Camera pans to see both who walk past the camera. EXT. DAVE'S HOUSE Jim and Dave walk outside, ready to hunt for flesh. But all of a sudden, there is a loud thunderclap, and it starts to pour down rain. They look at each other, shrug, and go back inside. INT. DAVE'S LIVING ROOM. The zombies sit down, Dave in the chair, Jim on the couch. Dave turns on the TV. SNL is heard from the TV. Dave zombie laughs once. Cut to credits.
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