Words That Create Mindsets

When communicating with someone, the words you use will be influencing the listener and yourself. You cannot, not communicate. Anything you say will have some affect on the listener so, knowing this, you can choose: what is the influence you want and are the words you are using the most appropriate to ahieve ther outcome you want. What follows are some commonly used words that can sustain or create limiting mindsets. It is not that they should never be used. Sometimes however, you may wish to use alternatives because they will create more useful mindsets. I Would do – Term implies that you are’nt going to commit. The word is sometimes followed by a “But”. A positive reframe is - I Will do. I Should do – Term implies that there is an expectation put on the individual by society/parents/religion etc. A positive reframe is - I Want to… I Could do – Term is again non commital and sometimes followed by a “but”. Positive reframe is - I Can do… I Must do!… – or Musterbation!! A term coined by Albert Ellis to describe the tendency to think that certain things "must" occur or "must" be done. The only acceptable musterbation is to believe that one must not musterbate. A positive reframe of I must do, would be – I love to! I ought to – term again implies that there is an expectation by society/parents/religion etc. Positive reframe is - I Choose to. I Need to – term implies that the individual is missing something or lacks, requires something to feel whole. The individual is unsattisied or unfullfilled. Positive reframe is I am going to… Don’t.. do not, not… as in “Don’t Panic” and Don’t spill the milk” As we cannot, not think about what follows, the mind is directed towards the subject we have been told not to do… Alternatives: “Do…” (state as positive). Or state what would you like, e.g. “stay calm”; e.g. “take care to keep the milk in the glass” Try.. as in “try and think of a time when you felt good” and “try to do your best” The implication is that the listener may not be successful and that it may be hard to succeed. The word often unconsciously triggers tension. Alternatives: “Do… “ or give the request as politely without the “try”, e.g. “please…”; e.g. “I’d like you to…” But… as in “I’d like to but…” or “you did that well but…” The word “but tends to negate whatever was said previously to the “but”, and whatever follows tends to have more importance or validity. Alternatives: A milder form of “But” is “However”. To include both parts of the sentence use “and”, e.g. “I’d like to and I’m very busy so I won’t”; e.g. “You did that well and I think you can do even better”.

Creating Choice Life Coaching

Richard Holmes FDA Accredited NLP Coach

Creating Choice Life Coaching

Can… as in “Can you think of a time when you felt really confident?” This is a polite way of requesting something – and it potentially makes it easier for the listener to be ‘unable’ to comply (e.g. answer: “No I cant.”) Alternatives: “I’d like you to… [do X]”, “Please, …[do X]” E.g. “Pick a time when you felt really confident.”

Note 1: sometimes the limiting aspects get multiplied by combining these words… E.g. “Try not to spill the milk” E.g. “Can you try and feel confident?” E.g. “I’ll try, but…”

Some simple one word reframes here… To reframe means to change our experience differently, to change it’s meaning. Reframing can help people gain new/different perspectives and move past perceived limitations or boundaries to a more positive outcome. Examples I have a problem – I have a challenge. This is disastrous – this is challenging. I’m pissed off – I’m peeved or a tad annoyed.
Many more examples can be found in “Awaken the Giant Within” by Anthony Robbins.

Examples of responses you could use with friends, family and/or colleagues: John: “I’m afraid of what others will say” “I don’t like being criticised by my boss” Keith: “You have concerns about what others will say” “When do you value receiving feedback”

Richard Holmes FDA Accredited NLP Coach

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