A Ten Minute Play By Tom Stell


Characters: Luther "Buck" Dunham a handsome and distinguished middle aged white man. He has just the right amount of gray at the temples. He is dressed in a conservative dark suit with a power tie. Britney is a young, sexy and rubenesque white girl. She has that modern mix of hip hop and rural trailer park. The wife, Caroline Dunham is thin, polished and beautiful. A patrician matriarch with a steely stare.

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BUCK ON THE PHONE Lit by a spot, BUCK sits in a suit with his feet in a chair holding his knees and a cell phone. BUCK Honey... I'm sorry. Ooh baby, I need your help. I didn't mean to. God, I didn't mean for her... She... She just... Ok. Ok. I'm at a hotel... Lights come up on a hotel room, the entrance is stage left, bed stage right, chair center. When the lights go up BRITNEY'S body hangs limp partially off the bed. BLACKOUT BUCK AND BRITNEY Britney bounces in booty out with a bottle of champagne. Buck hops behind her, legs spread spanking her. BUCK I like big butts and I cannot lie. Girl walks in with a itty bitty waist and a big thing in my face I get sprung. Britney turns and takes a big swig from the bottle. Buck hugs her lasciviously. BRITNEY This champagne tastes funny. It's not sweet at all. BUCK But don't the bubbles make you crazy? BRITNEY I do feel like I got too many clothes on. BUCK There you go. But do you know what goes with champagne that ain't sweet enough? Jagermeister! Buck pulls a quart from his coat pocket. BRITNEY Oh my god, you are evil. Last time I had Jager me an' my best friend and... We... oh baby, I never did find my panties. Trades bottles with her.

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BUCK Tell me all the sinful details. When was this little party? Last Saturday. Well, it's been too long then. BRITNEY BUCK They both drink. She sways a little bit and then points at him, tipsy. BRITNEY Hey, what kind of job do you have? BUCK I, uh, well, sell insurance. Why? Do you know someone that needs insurance? I'm your man. BRITNEY You don't look like no insurance salesman. Thank you... I guess. BUCK

BRITNEY You don't even look like you're from around here. BUCK Well, honey what do I look like then? You're on TV. Aren't you? BRITNEY

BUCK Don't tell me you saw me on "Cops". Why do you they always catch me in my underwear? BRITNEY I know! You're a preacher man. You look like a preacher. He falls to his knees. Then darlin', let us pray. BUCK He buries his face in her crotch and she giggles. I knew it. BRITNEY

BUCK Hey, if I'm gonna pray, you gotta tell me your name.

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Kristal, oh no, damn, Britney. Well, Kristal Britney...


BRITNEY Noooo! Just Britney. Ok, Kristal is my name for real but not with a C. That be retarded. Why Britney? BUCK

BRITNEY Cause she's an icon for realz. Dang, don't you love her? I like Kristal Britney better. BUCK BRITNEY (reverently) BUCK BRITNEY

Kristal Britney. Classy. I know! Right?

BUCK Well, Kristal Britney, I got something special planned. You think you could help me with it? As long as it's not anal. BRITNEY

(Beat) I'm just playen with you. I love anal. BLACKOUT MAMA A tight spot illuminates Buck in the chair. He has a bag over his head and is breathing hard. Kristal's head is buried in his lap. He makes a groaning noise, his head drops to his chest and his body goes slack. A beat passes and Kristal reaches up and pulls the bag from his head.

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BRITNEY Hey, uh, mister, you ok? Mister? Preacher, Your Honor? BUCK Mama... Oh, Mama. I'm sorry Mama. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to. Mama, please.... Oh Mama, thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Mama. I love you, Mama. Mama. Mama. Buck jerks up from his stupor. Mama! Was that really your Mama? BUCK BRITNEY

BUCK It was. She was an angel. God sent me two angels today, Kristal Britney. BLACKOUT CAROLINE A knock on the door. Buck checks the peep hole and lets CAROLINE in. She walks briskly through the door in a black trench coat and large sunglasses. Honey. BUCK Buck attempts to hug her awkwardly. She puts a hand in a blue latex glove out to stop him. My makeup. CAROLINE

BUCK Sorry, honey. Oh, what are we gonna do? I didn't mean to. I swear. I swear I didn't. She grabs him by the mouth to focus him then slaps him on the face. Shut up, Luther. CAROLINE

BUCK (Like a child) You know I don't like being called Luther. CAROLINE When you act like a man I'll call you Buck... Luther. She barges past him.

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Thank God she's white. Honey.

CAROLINE BUCK She walks to the bed and flips up over the sheets.

Honey, what are you doing?


CAROLINE I'm checking to see if it has a dick. Thank god, no. The war hero and the tranny, what a headline that would make. Bit fleshy don't you think? Honey, she's dead. That's embarrassing. What? BUCK CAROLINE BUCK

CAROLINE The eye shadow. Did you pick her up at the flea market? Really, Luther. BUCK Enough, what are we going to do? She shoots him a withering stare. Please, what am I gonna do? BUCK She pulls her glasses and blonde wig off and sets them on the bed and walks with purpose to Buck and straightens his tie a little too tight. He stretches his neck out nervously. She smoothes out his hair. CAROLINE You are going to pull yourself together, "Buck". He chafes from the smothering attention and she slaps him again. CAROLINE Hold still. Now, does anyone know you are here?

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BUCK I... No, no I don't think so. I gave her money for the room. Man at the vending machine. He... Think, Buck. CAROLINE

BUCK No, he didn't see me. I saw him and ran up the stairs. He starts to pace. CAROLINE What about Dex and Candace? What's on your schedule? BUCK I told them I needed some down time between the strategy session and the dinner tonight. Damn dinner, I don't want to go to tonight. I'm not going. CAROLINE Don't be stupid. You are going to the dinner. It's your dinner for god's sake. Do you know how much ass we had to kiss, I had to kiss? Senator Colby will present you the award for all your "charity" work and you will act unworthy but grateful. This primary is killing us. We need the positive press. Now what happened? Exactly. BUCK We were just... and she wanted to... She sees the bag and picks it up off the bed. CAROLINE My God, Luther, again. How is the dear old battle axe? Jesus, Mama. BUCK He plops in the chair and buries his head in his hands. CAROLINE Did Mama make it all better? Did she forgive you? They died, Buck. Get over it. Christ, what a mama's boy. My father was right. He lunges toward her. Shut up, shut up, shut up! BUCK

CAROLINE Or what are you going to do, strangle me? Order in an air strike? Jesus, you're like the angel of death. People just drop dead wherever you go.

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BUCK (Losing it) I didn't mean to, I swear. I didn't mean to. He kneels at the end of the bed over the body. BUCK She was so young. They were all so young. Kristal, please, wake up, please. CAROLINE Kristal, God. Spelled with a "K" no doubt. BUCK (to Kristal )

I'm so sorry.

(to Caroline) I didn't do anything. I swear. She just... I think she had a heart attack. She drags him up and away from the bed. CAROLINE Of course she did. Look at her. I'm surprised the stairs didn't kill her. BUCK Don't talk about her. She's beautiful. She straightens his tie again. CAROLINE Of course she is, darling. Really, I know. It was just her time. It's all part of Gods plan. You believe that, don't you? God has a plan. Yes. Of course, now sit down here. BUCK CAROLINE She eases him into the chair. CAROLINE God knows what's best honey. Everything you have ever done is all part of His plan. The war, everything. Now God has another plan and that is to get you into the Senate. You know that's what your mother wanted. Yes. BUCK She rubs his shoulders. He loosens his tie. CAROLINE That's right. Take off that old thing. She pulls it all the way off.

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CAROLINE Your mother is going to be so proud of you. Senator Buck Dunham. That sounds good, doesn't it? Yes. BUCK

CAROLINE It is all part of God's plan. When you're a senator you can change the world, Buck. You'd like that wouldn't you. Change the world. Yes. BUCK

CAROLINE Stop all the fighting. Think of the lives you'll save. Yes. Yes, I can. BUCK

(Beat) I swear I will be more careful next time. CAROLINE She takes his neck tie and strangles him CAROLINE No, Buck. Your Mama was right. You were never going to amount to anything. She takes an identical wig from her trench coat, lays it on the bed and puts on the original with the glasses. She sets the tie beside Kristal and walks out.

Next time. Next time!

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